Page 7 - Episode 195: Gettin' Goopy With It

Episode Date: March 23, 2017

Marcus and Jackie are joined by Ben Kissel to dish about Lindsay Lohan's new show The Antisocial Network, Mama June's weight loss, and Mariah Carey's new movie. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Don't go into the Hellhouse. Yeah. Stay away from the Hellhouse. Don't go into the Hellhouse, because you're going to get dead. But I want to go into the Hell House. You shouldn't go into the Hell House. Why not? You're going to get dead.

Oh, I missed that part. Welcome to Page 7. It seems like Jackie is appropriating the tune to the Jacksonville Sons. Jacksonville's never been out of. Baseball's never been out of. Jacksonville's never been out of. hotter than the Jacksonville songs. They are also dead. They went

into the hellhouse and the jumbo shrimp came out. Oh my goodness. Welcome to page seven, everybody. I'm Marcus Parks. I'm Jackie Zabrowski. And we got a special guest today. Ben Kistel is with us. Thank you so much for having me. I'm sitting in for Molly Neffel and I hope I judge you guys as much as she does.

I don't know if you can. I don't know if I can't either. I might not have the clout to do it. But I'm happy that you're here. Thank you for having me. It's great to have a time to talk about celebrities. I'm way behind the, I'm behind on info, so I'm excited to learn something. Have you heard what Lindsay Lowen's doing? I love Lindsay, so I would love to hear about her.

Do you love Lindsay? I am ever since the parrot trap, ever since she kept her family together, I think, yes, I love Lindsay. That's what it is. So that, that Lindsay Loanne, you love. You need a hard, you need a good family nucleus and she saw to it to make sure it happened. I mean, I did watch the teaser trailer for Lindsay. Loanne's new prank reality show.

Like OJ Simpson's prank reality show? You got juice! You got juice! But I don't think it's going to be as fun as that. It's called the Anti-Social Network. What is it?

So basically, the teaser trailer, please, please watch it. I will. Because all of a sudden now her accent is gone. You know, she had that weird accent for a really long time.

She like took on this like Irish broke, sometimes Middle Eastern, sometimes French accent. Yeah, I think she took on the like, I did a lot of Coke last night and now I'm drinking vodka accent. Like, you know, it was more of a drug-related accent, I think. She's getting more political now, Ben. Don't you understand?

No, I remember. She wrote the letter to, did she write the letter to ISIS? Yes, she did. She wrote a letter to ISIS, and I think, from what I understand, they've dissolved. She did it. It's the power of Lilo. It is. So basically with this show, what she's like, I am social media.

And that she's like, don't know. Everyone knows you never leave your phone alone. So she's going to hijack someone's social media, all of their social media, for 24 hours, and get them to do embarrassing challenges. This is the exact text of that. I love social media. I am social media. Everybody knows you should never leave your phone line around, especially near me. So I decided I'm going to hijack your social media, your Instagram, your Snapchat, your Facebook, your Twitter, all of that for 24 hours.

If you can pull off three challenges, you'll win fabulous prizes. This is a horror movie. This is the plot of, I believe, of the movie Clown, and also episode five of season three of Black Mirror when we thought the kid was jerking off to something he shouldn't have been jerking off to, but I don't want to spoil it for you. I've decided to dare people to really question how much their social media is worth.

I am really good. I am really good. I love it. Also, I love fabulous prizes, which means, is it cash? Is it a trip? Like, what do you win? You get your cell phone back. That's what you win.

With Lindsay Lohan's fingerprint all over. In the teaser, they show like an example of what they would do to someone. So they interview all of their friends and basically get the hot goss. And like, oh, this guy thinks that he's really hot and attractive. And so she goes on being like, I just said yes to be a nude model for an art class. And he's got to go do it. Uh-oh. It's just this whole bullshit.

It sounds like sexual. Assault. Kind of, yeah. You know, I was, because I lost all that weight, 160 pounds, so my body is unique. Not ugly. It's unique. It's unique. And I was hunted by the people in sculpture class.

Because they were just, they're like, we're really sick of working on like attractive bodies, normal bodies. We're looking for something a little bit. I don't know how do you say, not ugly because you're unique. Unique. Unique. You know what? Never going to happen. Absolutely not.

Well, apparently the anti-social network is not being accepted. just yet. It's being shopped around. It's getting shopped around. Somebody's going to pick it up. You kidding me? This is a fever dream of an idea. I don't understand. What if it's anti-social network? What cut. This is

who would sign up for this to have this done to them in their life? People sign up for dumb shit all the time. Next. Next. Next. Next. Next. Why would you sign for that? Just immediate. I mean, I don't need that in my life. I don't need less self-confidence.

No. It was next a game show? Yeah, you don't remember next. I don't remember next. It was a dating game show and the person would just say next and then that individual, if the worst thing about the show was, and correct me if I'm wrong about this, Jackie, they would come off the bus and the person didn't know what that individual looked like. And sometimes as soon as they stepped off the bus, the guy or the girl would be like, next solely based on physical appearance with not even a guise of making it about emotion or intelligence or physical attributes.

Oh, I looked it up. They called it the next. It's the next bus. So they all have to hang out in the next bus. No personality matter whatsoever. They were just nexted it as soon as they stepped off the bus. God, I loved it. And then they would interview the women and then they are the men and they would be shattered.

My favorite ones were the gay episodes though because like especially like with the dudes, they would all just end up banging in the bus while waiting to go on the date outside of the bus. Well, they would get them trashed on that bus. There was a copious amounts of booze. And, yeah, on the gay episodes, they would be like next. But then I think the guy would get upset and be like, oh, I thought, I got to keep them all. I don't get to keep them all. When I say next, he goes away.

Oh, the people on the RV, they get a dollar for every minute the date lasts. Yes. A dollar. And if the date lasts less than a minute, they still get a dollar. Which, thank God. But honestly, they're doing it for the booze. I would do it for the booze. Yeah, I mean, the amount of booze that they got was probably worth at least $12.

I don't think they were drinking teed-doteau. Those are fine, you know, absolute. I think it was pretty bottom-rung stuff. A date doesn't always in with a person being next. A date can end if a single person feels they have gathered enough information possibly due to attraction time spent on the date and would tell the person, you've been on a date with me for X amount of minutes. You can either take X amount of money and run or go on a second date.

So it's pretty much you can either have $60 or go on another date with me. MTV needs to be shut down. I mean. The producers are the not except for anything that you work on, Jackie, then those people need to say. It is unbelievable.

These shows are just so predatory and disgusting. I think it's gold. And they had versions in Spain, France, Chile, Canada, Bulgaria, and Lithuania. Can you imagine the women stopping off the bus in Bulgaria? The bus just like it leans to one side as they come out. That show is so sad. I totally remember next.

My friend, as a matter of, what was the name of the other, not undidatable? There was another one on MTV that was a dating game show, and it required, yeah, you got kicked off at one point. Anyway, my friend was on it, and she was bragging about it, getting cast, and then she was the first one gone, and then it didn't not work out. She left college. Yikes, she left college. I guess people were mean to her. Next in Bulgarian is Slavistina. Oh, yeah, man.

Slavisna. If we make our language like we always sound drunk, we can always be drunk. Speaking of the game show's big game show guy died this week. Chuck Barris. Yeah, what did he do? He did the dating game and the newlywed game. Now, was he the dating game host when the serial killer was a contestant? Well, he wasn't the host.

I think he was just the producer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But yes, the dating game. The dating game was home to one Rodney Alcala, who went on to kill many women. Actually, he is more at fault than the host. He allowed, as a producer, you should be like, so are you a serial killer just question one? They don't ask those kind of questions. They don't need to know that much.

I guess not. They're just having a great time on the show. I love it. Yeah. He was odd. Have you ever guys ever watched the dating game? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

A long time ago. I just remember it's like that was like one of those syndicated shows that was on all the time when we were kids. Well, I like it because it's the inverse of next where they see. solely based it off of physicality. The whole point of this was getting love with the attitude and the personality. And then, of course, oftentimes it would be a big old hog guy. You'd be like, thanks for picking me, Wendy.

She's like, your voices changed. You look, nothing like I thought you would. I like you, Wendy. This is nice. Let me ask you, dating game or love connection. Love connection. Definitely love connection. I love connection.

That's wool, right? Chuck Woolery, yeah. Chuck Woolry. Yeah. Oh, I don't know why. as children, we watched Love Connection constantly. Constantly. Maybe I'm thinking of Love Connection. Is that where they had the ones like over each other, like on the side of the television screen?

It was like the three people. That's Love Connection. That was an amazing show. Yeah, because if I remember correctly, Love Connection, like they would go on a date with them and then talk about the date afterwards. Yes. And then say whether or not they'd go on another date with him. And that host had like his chin was the size of an iceberg. Arch conservative now.

Oh, yeah. Drug Warwick? Oh, yeah. I'm pretty sure he's selling cash for gold, which if you want to know what a scam looks like, it's called cash for gold. God, if I had the gold, though, I need the cash. Now!

I guess so. What's going wrong in your life? I don't know, but speaking of unique bodies, though, you're looking up Mama June? What's Mama June doing now? Mama June from not too hot. She's lost a few hundred pounds. Wow.

She went under a bunch of surgeries. Now we're talking Mama June of Honey Boo Boo fame. Honey Boo Boo fame, baby. Why is she allowed to still be in the public eye? Wasn't Honey Boo Boo Boo violently molested by Sugar Bear? No. Not Sugar Bear. Not Sugar Bear is innocent.

Honey Boo Boo was, she wasn't molested. She wasn't. The older children were, but not by Sugar Bear. Oh, I see. But by her ex. Because if I lose faith in Sugar Bear, I don't even know who to turn to next. No, Sugar Bear and Mom and June, they had their differences. But the reason why they had their differences.

Their difference is because Mom and June went back to the molester. Oh, that was it. After he got out of jail for a molesty, his children. Wow. But either way, she lost a lot of weight, and I hear she looks great now. She doesn't look, I mean, she looks fine, but now she's, like, trying to undergo all these, you know, like the skin grafts or you like to rip it all out. Right. Skin contour.

Skin contour. Body contour. Yeah. Body contour. That's what it is. They literally pick up your skin like it's from your legs, like it's a pair of pearm. pants and then they button you back together like you are like you're wearing a human skin

Levi's. No, but it's just really sad because like in this new reality show from not to hot she wants to get a boob job too so she asks the kids to help her pick out what size breasts she should get and the quote from Honey Boo-Boo was I guess Mama thinks she's some real housewife

a Hampton or something. Why is Mama trying to be hard to try to beat some or she's not? And it's so sad that a child's can see it. Yes. A child can see what's happening here. Wisdom from boo-boo.

Absolutely. Honey, boo-boo, a day, she needs to do a day of wisdom every day. And yet she wants her children to be really fat. Yeah. Like, it's just like, you know, being thin isn't being beautiful trying to do this whole thing. Then why did you just get a bunch of surgeries to lose a bunch of weight? She's gotten a gastric sleeve. Yeah.

Yeah. She's sucked in that stomach. Mm-hmm. Most of her stomach has been removed, replaced by a small. small stomach, quote unquote, sleeve. Okay. Well, I guess best of luck to her. I hope she stays healthy.

Although it doesn't seem very healthy to me because it can rupture very easily. It's just the whole thing. I mean, like the fact that I don't think that she's eating properly and that's the whole thing. Just because you're full depends on what you put in there. Right, right, right. Yeah. Don't they get in trouble for prostituting their children? No.

Isn't that a crime in some way? No. Nothing, not technically. Okay. Basically, the money that was specifically made for the children was put into a trust that they can't get to until they're 18. But that is, I don't know if I believe that. My parents used to try to hide the peanut butter too. I could find it, okay?

Isn't that, is there any greater indication of a culture than John Bonet Ramsey versus Honey Boo Boo? Isn't that interesting? It's just a few years' time difference. You know, man, if Honey Boo would just slimmed down, though, huh. Oh, my God. The star. No comments. Take that go-go.

Use away from her. She loves her go-go use. Pure sugar. Oh, man. What is it? GIFs, GIFs on the iPhone that you can add into a chat conversation. Looking up, Mama June. You got some good gift jiffs down there, man.

Oh, I miss when she was a human thumb. Yeah. Oh, yeah. The problem is, too, is that, like, her face isn't even that good, which is sad. Yeah. Yeah. But, you know, I'm glad that she's lost the weight. I suppose so.

We're all down for it. I mean, she definitely did it the laziest way possible, but also a very dangerous way. Cut it, staple it done. But in the reality show, I think they also show her like, but she also works out. She's doing all stuff, but it's like, come on. She works out for the camera.

Of course she does. Do you hear the Murrah Carey News? What? All I want for Christmas is you is going to be made new a movie. Is it a lifetime movie or a movie movie movie in the theaters? I think it's a lifetime movie. I think, I mean, she already had the other lifetime. weird Christmas movie as well.

And so she's got another one coming out. Man, it's just, again, I just wish I could just get lifetime. I need to get lifetime. I think you should get lifetime. You will get lifetime. You think so? I believe Chelsea Clinton is getting an award from Lifetime. Really?

For some achievement? I don't know. For what? I don't know. But she's getting something for him. Lifetime movies are always the best because around Christmas, they just really, they pray on the lonely ladies. You know, a boyfriend for Christmas, a koala bear for Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving, whatever it is. I love it, though. Yeah, they really stick in the knife and twist it. They really do. Well, this movie is fully CGI animated, and it's about a young girl named Mariah. What? Who decides all she wants for Christmas is a puppy. But to prove that herself as a responsible pet owner, she has to take care of a mutt named

Jack who turns her family's life upside down. I thought she was going to have to take care of a boy before they were like, okay, you can take care of a puppy. You had a boyfriend for six months. Wait, so it's about, but that's... That's not what the song is about. The song's not about a dog. But this is in a dog.

This is a dog. All right, fine. I guess we're kind of adapting it. Well, we can hear the trailer and see if this gives us any more clues as to what it's about. Not going to be no Santa Paws, I'll tell you what. Oh, but what is? That dog just did so much. Santa Paws?

Yeah. Was it a magical dog? No. Every holiday season, there are traditions. We can't live without. The tree, it says. This hurts my chest. I like the presents.

And Mariah Carey. Oh, the dog should be headlining. There's just one thing I need. It's all new anime. If there is one thing I need. Holiday 2017. Hashtag all I want movie. But did this show the dog?

They showed her with a little dog, yeah. It was a Jack Russell. Oh, that's a good dog. That's not the dog you get. That's not the dog? For a child to take care of you don't get, as a first puppy, you don't get him a Jack Russell Terrier. Well, what kind of dog do you get them? Something that's a little less extreme.

You get a lab. Yeah. Labs are more aggressive than a Jack Russell terrier. Jack Russell's terrier, they just want to lead the slave for Santa and stuff. That is not true. They're a holiday dog. They are a holiday dog. Oh, absolutely.

They are. I know that they are, but they're just yippy yappy. I love a Jack Russell Terrier, but for a child, take care. Sorry, I got so excited. I burped myself. Oh, it happens. It happens all the time. Well, and hashtag all I want movie. Mara Kari is producing and narrating the movie, which will also feature the voices of Lacey Chabert and Henry Winkler. Lacey Chabair was also in the last movie she did.

Chabert. Chabert. Yeah, Lacey Chabbert. She was in the merriest of Christmases, whatever. I watched the Mariah Carey special. How do you spell this name? Shabbert. Chabar.

It's Shabert. No, it's Shabar. It's like when a person's last name is like, S-H-I-T, and they're like, it's shite. And it's like, no, it's shit. You're a shit last name. You're a shit-last name, shit person. We're the sheets. S-H-I-T.

No. I'm pretty sure I know what to spell. How to pronounce that? Ashley Olson broke up with her boyfriend. I know. Robert Sacks. They just came out. They broke up, so she is, she is datable now.

His name is actually Richard Sacks. The same. His name is Dick Sacks. Dick Sacks, you're right. So in the phone book, it is Sack Dix? Sacks Dick. Sacks Dick. Dick Sacks.

Interesting. I see why she left him. He was 58 years old. Yeah, but of the sacks. Like, of the sacks. Is this of the Goldman's sacks? I believe so, yeah. Huh.

Yeah, the, she is a, they're an interesting family, the, the young ones there. They said that she is, wants to focus on her clothing line right now. Yeah, I was really surprised that she left him. You know, that really just blows me over. You're right. But they're still friends. They still hang out. Oh, yeah, I bet they have so much in common.

I bet they just talk and talk. and talk and talk. Just hanging out. Hey everyone, we're just hanging out with a 58-year-old man. My old ex-boyfriend, Dick Sacks, is coming over. Better get more pizza. You're talking about J-Lo? Go ahead.

Oh, my God. I've been in a J-Lo-ho. Uh-oh. A J-Lo-ho. So Jennifer Lopez currently is dating A-Rod. Yes. They're calling them J-Rod, which I don't really enjoy. No, it sounds like a sex product.

It's a... It sounds like a butt-related sex product. You're J-Rod. Yeah. You got a... Hey, you'll sell J-Rod too. Hey, doctor, I have a terrible thing. I must admit, I have a J-Rot suck up in my...

Well, you can imagine where. We gotta get up in there then, son. Well, as soon as I'm done operating on Mama June, we'll be right with you. Oh, they've shown PDA. Oh, yeah, man. They're all out and about and that they see a future together, which I'm really proud of them. Don't they always?

Sure. I mean, they, like, I think what was the quote that, like, it was an insider talking about them, and it's like, it was just like, he swept her off her feet. First came texts, then came flowers, a ton of them. Oh, you're right. That is sweeping her off her feet. So he had a series of individuals deliver a bunch of flowers to her. Yep, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But like lots and lots and lots of roses. Of course. picture of her and she's like stopping to smell the roses and she's like roses are everywhere. Oh and you know and he had to tell someone to do that. So that's super romantic. Of course. It's romantic. That is, that's heartworthy.

The way that he was like, take a note. Send J. Lo bunches and bunches of flowers. But sir, it's a snowstorm and the people say if they deliver, they might die. Take another note. If they die, they better do it. Decrease the surplus population. Indeed. Well, A-Rod's a very controversial.

He's a controversial baseball player. Well, he's bad news, isn't he? Well, he juiced a lot. He was quite a liar. He was the, you know, sort of the darling of the Yankees for a long time. But overall, he's a total prick. Yeah, Derek Jeter's, he's the bad, he's the herpes, boy. Jeter's herpes, boy.

Jeter's herpes? Oh, my God. Well, how did he get that? He hit the ball too hard and won too much? How did he get herpes? We did a whole list that was just about people. that got herpes from A-Rod. Really?

From Derek Cheater. Excuse me. I can't slander his good name. So he's spreading it around. Oh, yeah, he spread around a whole series of women. Well, I don't think you're legally allowed to spread around STDs if you knowingly have it. You've got to bag it up. Not, no, not when you're Derek Cheater.

Not with those eyes. I guess not. But I guess so A-Rod, it was just the juicing or no why I thought he was bad. Because his juicing, I think, is fine. If you're playing baseball juice. Juice. I think you juice. He lied about it and he took, he has so much money.

They were giving him so much cash. And then overall, again, I think he was just kind of a prick. Yeah. Well, it also is rumored that Drake might be in on this whole mix. But they broke up. J-Lo and Drake were together for a few months. He wrote a bunch of songs about her. Then one of his songs, like, saying about how he still drunk texts J-Lo,

but that, like, she changed her number or the text bounced back or something. Well. Drake is the saddest rap lyrics ever. Doesn't it? I dislike Drake. Yeah, we all dislike Drake. Unless we're talking de Grosse years, Drake. And then, uh...

Wheelchair. Jimmy in a wheelchair. Put that basketball star in a wheelchair. Well, it seems like, as of just a couple of days ago, might still be going on. What? Are they doing a menager? They're not doing a menager, but they might so be doing a little text-day. Oh.

So you think the lyrics are... We're trying to lie to the public. Well, it could be that he recorded the song and then afterwards things change. I mean, I would rather her be with Drake. Is that terrible? I think I would prefer her to be with Alex Rodriguez. Really? So we can see them around downtown New York and have them, yeah, I think they could make little cute babies.

I think she's done with babies. I think she's done with babies. Yeah, I think she's out of babies. I think she's already had enough babies. How old is she? She's in her 40s, but she's got the two twins. Oh, I see. Okay. Yeah, she's got plenty of babies.

She's too busy eating a piece of pizza every day. She's so crazy. Well, she did. She ate a piece of pizza every day before she made it big. Wow, that's nuts of her. She had food before she got famous. Not fair. I say we strike her from the record. She says, I remember only getting to have one piece of pizza every day when I was a dancer. That's it? Just one piece of pizza every day.

Give her two pieces. Well, that's when she was on In Living Color. She had to look really, really good. My girl. Yep. Mm-hmm. Yep, indeed. But she's also currently, because she, you know, she had the kids with Mark Anthony. Oh, that's right.

Mark Anthony. I was wondering who the kids were with. That was her husband for, I think, seven years. And this is when they owned the Miami Dolphins. They did? Yeah, she had steak in the Miami Dolphins, or at least Mark Anthony did, because he used to sing the national anthem pretty much every game. I mean, what else was he doing at the time? Nothing.

But they are now, they're making an album together. Wow. Apparently they are very good friends, and he is helping her make a Spanish album. Is that how you say it? Spanish language album. Language of Spanish album together. Very good. Thank you.

Okay, intriguing. I thought that was one of the better relationships, though, because he is very unattractive. We can all admit, I don't think Mark Anthony is particularly attractive. He's very tiny and feeble, ratish. So that gave hope to a lot of men that looked like that, that they could land their own jail. But it's the singing in Spanish that gives him his flair. Sure. I mean, that is sexy to watch.

I don't find him attractive. I would not. Well, I mean, you know, I definitely have sex with him if we wanted to. Sure, why not? I wouldn't choose him to have sex with. But if he's going to sing to be in Spanish, I'll figure it out. It is amazing. Spanish is the language of love.

Or is that French? Well, I don't see. I think Spanish is a lot sexier than French. What are all the romance languages? And I agree. Yeah, I think it's sexier. But I'm just, I'm proud of them that they're making an album together. of them go. Yeah. Can you imagine

if we lived in a world where Irish was considered the language of love? Like not ironically. I find an Irish accent very sexy. Oh yeah, Brog is... Is that good? All right. But they're just terrible drunks. God. And I just... I had quite an interaction with... I mean, we kept

calling it the curse of the leprechaun the other evening with an Irishman that thought, you know, that he wanted to beat up women. So they're not all like that, but some of them are... What bar did you guys go to? It was a dive bar. He was being bad. But, man, I wanted to punch him in the face.

But the rogue was so sexy. It seduces you in. It's all that saved his life. Really? Mark Anthony, you know who he's dating. Who? 21-year-old lady. Wow, she's tall.

Who's that? Who's that? Who's that? I think he's actually pretty short. I think he's very short. Yes, he is very short. I think he's like 5 foot 3. He's only 48, so that's actually kind of.

of surprising. And in that picture, I see now he is attractive. It's just... He's suave. Yeah, he's suave. That's right. That's it. He's Rico Suave. And this is only just a month after his divorce was finalized from Shannon de Lima. Wow, he already has been married and divorced again. Oh, yeah. Man, those suave's. Well, it was many years ago when he was with J-Lo. I feel like that was early 2000s. I think that they broke up, I think it was mid-2000s.

Yeah, could be, could be. Because, I mean, the twins are nine. It's already in 2017, Jax. I know. I know. My God. Where does the time go? We're getting close to the, uh, getting close to the 2020s here. I can't believe that.

But the kids are nine. So, I mean, at least it's been nine years. Yeah. Or that they were together nine years ago. Somewhere around there. Interesting. Interesting. Well, J-Lo, I mean, I never really fully understood, you know, what happened with her because

she stopped making music, but then she was still famous. But then none of the movies seem to do well, such as Gile. What do you mean? Made in Manhattan? Made Manhattan didn't kick ass. Did it do well? It did really well. But now it was a pun though.

You have to knock that down a little bit because it wasn't M-A-D-E. It was M-A-I-D. Yeah, because she was a maid in Manhattan. But then she also made it in Manhattan. Well, she made love in Manhattan, sure. What was the plot to that? She was a maid. And then she had sex with a wealthy man and her life was better.

She was a maid. That was all. And man. I watched it on a plane. At time, literally a maid who had sex with a wealthy man and her life was better. The problem is that that was a time period that, like, I loved all the rom-coms that were out because there was also, like, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. And then there was another one.

Alzheimer's, the wedding planner. The wedding player, that's the one I was seeing up with Matthew McConaughey. That movie was great. Because she was planning his wedding to another woman, but guess what? She sucked. They fell in love. She ruined a woman. wedding? No, it wasn't like my best

friend's wedding. It wasn't like that. It was more of just like, Matthew McConae just wasn't really in love with the person that he was marrying. That sounds like a horror movie. Then why was he marrying her and why would the wedding planner bang the groom? She should be out of business. I mean, I don't think she was in business after that. I think she chose love.

It was love, Ben. These movies, they send negative messages to grooms. I think the biggest negative message was my best friend's wedding, which I recently rewatch. I can't remember. I didn't talk about this last week, did I? Because it is, I mean, Julie Roberts at

her hottest. She was so fucking hot in that movie. Like hot enough to get Richard Gear hot? Well, that is a different movie. That's Runaway Bride. No, that's a Runaway Bride. That's a... Pretty woman. Oh, yeah, but also, she's also in the movie with Runaway

with Richard Gear and Runaway Bride. I apologize. Thank you. That's right. We're both right. And that's the best part. But in my best friend's wedding, it's like, he's getting married, and so he calls up his best friend to come and like because they had decided like oh in 15 years if we're not with anyone we're going to get married i think it's i want to say dermot moroni it is dermot moor okay and then he's marrying charles not charlie sarin um Cameron dyes and cameron dyes is just like a lovely woman but julie robert

comes to ruin the wedding as his best friend and it's awful why would you do that to someone he's a sociopath yeah that sounds really awful like Cameron dyes is like a nice sweet girl She's a wonderful person, and he really loves her, and she comes to destroy the wedding. And it works out for her. I don't want to give away, you know. It's like how old? 20 years old? The best part.

Actually, that's why I think I love the movie so much. She doesn't get him. Thank God. I'm sorry. It's a 20-year-old movie. Oh, you can do that. It's also a rom-com. But I love that she doesn't get it.

But they were trying, like, the movie sets it up as if Julia Roberts' character isn't that shit insane? Right. It's like, it's like, it's of course. It's like because she always loved him and she never said anything about it. So she has to go and show him that she loves him. And ruin his life. Yes. Yeah.

M. Emmett Walsh is in it. Yes, he is. The movie is really good. Yeah, you know M. M. Walsh. Oh, of course. Get off my lawn.

He just kind of looks like the guy who would say that. All right. Well, that's very good. I haven't watched your rom-com in a very long time. I mean, most of the time you're not missing much. Yeah. I got on a string of watching some Matthew McConaughey. rom-coms around the time I was getting super into True Detective Season 1.

Sure. Because then if you watched True Detective Season 1 in conjunction with Matthew McConaughey rom-coms, you can imagine like Rust Cole before he was a tough-pitten cop. He was working in Manhattan. Yeah. Oh, I got to say. And he was going through all sorts of wacky, all his families in Staten Island. You know, why does he have a Texas accent?

But they don't. It's so weird. I got to say Matthew McConaughey, I get it. He is a cool, hip, gulf. He's cool as fuck, he works out all day. He's got all the money in the world. You're not being Molly right now because Molly really isn't attractive and doesn't get it, which I don't get. Well, I can understand that Molly has a different type.

She doesn't get a very different type. I mean, I think that, yeah, Matthew McConaug is about as perfect as a man can get. Yeah. Can you see him jog? And then sometimes he says, I'm not going to wear underwear, but I'll wear shorts that are loose. And then you can just like, hello, he's running for two. Oh, yeah. It is huge that thing.

Oh, yeah. My goodness, dragging on the floor there. Spin me around like a helicopter. Absolutely. I think Matthew McConnorahey, Woody Harrelson. Although, no, Woody Harrelson, I have heard, is a little bit of a knob. Yeah, just a little bit. I've heard that just a touch of a knob, but Jackie?

Speaking of Woody Harrelson. Uh-oh. He stopped smoking weed. Really? About a year ago. What? He finally came out and said it. Why?

He just, he's like, he's like, man, I've been fucking partying for a long time. And so he's just not doing it anymore. I wouldn't describe smoking weed as partying, though. I mean, most of the time it's sitting and eating. As much as he smoked, it was partying. I think it was partying. Okay, okay. I still, again, I mean, talking, you know, we're going to talk daddy talk.

You know, you know, you know where I feel about him. Matthew McConaughey. And Woody Harrelson. Woody Harrelson. Are you kidding? He's a daddy? Yeah. Oh, yeah, he's a daddy.

He has children. What he does, huh? Well, I don't know if he has children. I mean, having children has nothing to do with being a daddy. Jackie, explain daddy-ness to Ben. Sean Spicer wears a daddy. Ew. Don't ruin daddy for me.

Honestly, Trumpers call Trump Daddy. No. I swear to God. No. But I don't fully understand the whole thing there. Is that true? That is 100% true. I can't handle that.

I can't handle that. You know what? You know what? Get out of your head. It's erased. Thank you. Okay. All right.

It's not real. It didn't happen. No, daddies are just older men you want to have sex with, because I think I have daddy issues. Oh, I see. Any older, or you're going to have a mommy, too. You know, we talk mommies as well. Oh, okay.

Just who I want to be my daddy. Very interesting. Pretty much, like the pinnacle of a daddy is the guy who plays Coach Taylor in Friday Night Lights. Oh, that's all, that's peak daddy. Well, both of my older brothers are. My older brother is engaged to a much older man. My middle brother is married to a much older man, although granted he is in very good physical shape. He is sexy.

Yes. Daddy's sexy, though, for sure. Interesting. I didn't realize. So does that always attach itself to daddy issues? I don't think so, because I don't think I really have daddy issues. I just want a fucking older man. Right.

I mean, I'd put Julia Roberts in... Yeah, I put her in Mommy Country. Really? She's Mommy Country? I think I'd put her in Mommy Country, yeah. Wow. Mommy country. Julia Roberts.

Well, at this age, what, she's going to be almost 50. Yeah, Sandra Bullock's definitely a mommy country. Yeah, but she's... I mean, that is a... God. Ooh, that's a mummy. I mean, she is so tight. She's tighter than I will ever be, and she is 50 years old.

Biggest mistake in dating Hollywood history, Jesse James? Did Jesse James make the biggest mistake in Hollywood history? Yes. I agree. Of course he did. What an idiot. But, man, Julie Robertson, my best friend's wedding, she wears this, like, crop top with these, like, higher pants, and her hair is at, like, prime Julia Roberts. Yeah.

I mean, you can, you can. You can Jay. You could Jay to that movie if you want to. I think. I think you could. There's a lot of sex in it, which, you know, means I don't like it as much.

Well, you know, I would just Jay to the ceremony. How beautiful that is. Love. Love in the air. You just made me spit all over my breasts. Isn't that what Jane is? What's happened?

Maybe I misunderstand the term. Goop's got some new products. I thought Goop was shut down. Oh, God. No. Goop is stronger than ever. No. Hold on.

Gwyneth Paltrow, she said she's ending Goop. Oh, no. She'll never. Wait, really? She says she was ending Goop. I heard she was done with Goup. I talked about it. I was discussing this on a show many months ago.

I think Goup is gone. No, Goup isn't gone at all. No, goop is stronger than ever. Can you imagine that? And backwards, it spells Pug, which is strange. I thought for sure Peltro was done with Goup. Absolutely not, man. In this podcast, you can just call her Goup if you'd like.

Oh, I will call her Goup. That's what she deserves to be called. Although, speaking of romantic comedy, Shakespeare and Love is my favorite romantic comedy of all times. Really? Oh, I used to love that movie. Like, love, love, like crazy love. I'm with you. Really?

I was super into that movie, yeah. I thought she was the most beautiful woman I ever saw in my life. Yep, we've talked about this many times before. I have an unnatural attraction to Gwyneth Paltrow. I do know that, but I did know about Shakespeare and Love. You can see your tits in it. Yes, and you have good theater, and it's Shakespeare, it's a fun. It's legitimately funny.

I think it's legit funny. But obviously, as time has gone on, Gwyneth Palletrow, being such a wealthy, aristocrat, horrible human being. Horrible. I've lost the... The sheen is off. Yeah, but if you go back and watch her in like seven,

you get to see her in like a super innocent role where she's like really nice and sweet, and that's good. She's just such an elite. The average product goes for like $1,000 on Goop. It's ridiculous. Now she's got a new line of vitamins. Oh, my. She's like, Alex Jones.

For 90 bucks a month, you can get Vibor. vitamins that will prevent, quote, adrenal fatigue. For a $1.50, you can go to the deli. And they have a whole bunch of packs of vitamins. I need it, you know. Maybe I'm adrenal fatigue is really what my life is. Is that what it is? Yeah, that's the problem.

The biggest problem I've got. What a scam artist. Adrenal fatigue. Yeah, and you can get these packs. They've got cute little names. They're called, Why Am I so Fing tired? She's getting a little dirty with that one. I guess so.

High school jeans, but like jeans with a G. So you can fit in them, I guess, even if you're morbidly obese in high school. Balls in the air. That's when you've got a lot of balls in the air, you know. You're really busy. You're a mother. You're a gooper. And the mother load, which is for expectant moms.

Balls in the air and mother load are pornographic. You're ready for the mother load. Yeah, that's coming all over a mommy. That's good. That's Kevin or the model of the world. That is not good. Yeah, that's just birth control there. That is inappropriate.

You can also get daily texts if you pay the $90 a month. You get daily texts from Nurse Kevin. A daily... For what? A robo text from Nurse Kevin. For what? Nurse Kevin. To tell you to remind you to take your vitamin?

Goop, vitamin. So this almost needs to be shut down by the FDA. Getting goopy. With it. Getting goopy with it. Getting goopy with it. That's fun. God, I hate her.

Oh, I hate her. It's a scam. These poor people that pay for it. And you can also get a key tag that says, why am I so effing tired? It's $15. Extra? On top of the 90? You can also get a t-shirt that says, balls in the air.

It's a horrible t-shirt. That's only $60. $60? Jesus, I would be more surprised to find out that, like, you know, the man who ran the amusement park is also the ghost. It just looks like someone wrote it on a shirt with fucking shopping. We'll make it $60. Are you drunk?

Yes. You can get the vitamin pack, the shirt, and the tag. That'll set you back. It looks like about 100. And $885? Lock her up. Lock her up. If Trump was, I wish they were chanting that about Gwyneth.

Good God, man. She is just, and you know she never sees her kids. Never, I don't even. Or she just only hangs out with her kids. I don't even know what she does. She is just the pinnacle of just liberal hypocrisy. Whoa. On that note, boy, it's time for the list.

Oh, I guess you guys didn't want to go into the notes. I'm sorry. Gotta have that list and singing. Okay, no, I know, I'm sorry. Yeah, you're like opposite Molly. No, how am I opposite? Oh, I am opposite. Yeah, that's right.

Same person, though. We're staying in mommy's celebrities you didn't know we're cheer. No, do the song. I told Mike my roommate I was going to do the show, and he started singing that song. He's like, make sure you know the song, Ben. I was like, get out of your room, Mike. You know, go and do something with your life.

But what is the song? I apologize. Time for the list. Who's on the list? Marcus, he's got to have that list. Oh, you did a good job. Thank you so much. I really appreciate that.

He did a really good job. Celebrities that were cheerleaders. All right. Rick Perry. Rick Perry was a cheerleader. Madonna. She was a cheerleader. Oh, fuck.

We didn't even talk about how much Paris Jackson looks like fucking Madonna. It's really weird. It's really weird. It's really weird. Can you show me a picture really quick? Do you think it's possible that Michael and Madonna had coitus? I don't think he had ever. had coitus. I thought it was a juice

babies. I thought they were juice babies. Well, it was Debbie Roe. That was the name of the mother. But look at her. No, I actually see Debbie. I can see Debbie Rose. You see Debbie I do. You know Debbie Rose's face that well? I do for some reason I have no idea why I even knew Debbie Rose's name. I just know

I don't even know her name. Well, I'm glad at least we just shut it down. Yeah. And I'm glad for it. No, because look at Debbie Roe, Marcus. Google Debbie Roe and then do a side by side. I mean, obviously Debbie is a little bit more, you know, Mama Juned in the old face. Did she get Juneed?

I don't know. I don't know. That's a mix. That's a good, that's kind of a perfect mix of the two. Oh my God. Why did he have sex with her? Because, like you said, I don't believe that sex was actually involved. She was a great family friend.

But she's not very attractive. No, I don't think that he particularly thought that any women were attractive. I don't think he particularly thought that anyone was attractive. Yeah, that's the thing. Anyway. An asexual man. Yeah. It's possible.

Meryl Streep She was a cheerleader God she was sexy when she was young too That is a mommy Check her out Look at it right there Oh So innocent

She just was so innocent Meryl Streep has had a charmed life To say the least Yeah yes very beautiful Very nice You know this is a newswoman Diane Sawyer Love Diane Sawyer

And the reason that I love Diane Sawyer Soyer so much Is because the character from Drop Dead Gorgeous Wanted to be Diane Sawyer Do you remember that? Remember that. I remember that.

Such a good movie. One of the most underrated comedies of all time. I would put Drop Dead Gorgeous and Best in Show in my top five comedies ever. Tommy Boy is also in the list. And I lump in basically all Chris Farley movies with Tommy Boy. I'm just going to do that. Uncle Buck and all John Candy movies. And then...

What About Bob? I don't actually like What About Bob because it makes me nervous. Ouch. I swear to God. I know I rewatched it, Jacks. All I do is relate to Richard Dreyfus. I'm like, get out of here. You're a psychopath.

Go away. I mean, it's awful. I hate relating to Richard Dreyfus. And I had to. But he's a daddy, though. He is a daddy? Yeah. Yeah, I guess in Jaws.

Yeah, he's a daddy. Okay. I know his son, Ben Dreyfus. I got you one of the ultimate. Sorry. Nice guy. What? Okay.

One of the ultimate mommies, Sally Field. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. She was a hottie with a body. No, I'm not in that picture. As a matter of fact, that's her high school picture. Yeah. She looks the same.

She does. Yeah, and she's always looked the same. Wow. She's another one that, like, whatever, it's the same with Meryl Streep. Whatever, like, any kind of touch-ups they've had, they've had classy touch-ups. They look their age, but they look beautiful. Pop, pop question. Sophia Vergara, Sophia Loren, or Merrill Streep.

Or let's just do Sophia Loren and Merrill Streep. Uh-huh. Guilf. Hmm. We're looking like a gilf. Oh, they are gilts. Which gilf? Which gilf?

I'm going to go for Merrill Street. Okay. I'm going to go with Loren. Lauren. She seems like a handful. Well, but who doesn't love a handful? That's not bad. That's not a bad.

I love a good harp and woman. A saucy, saucy older Italian woman. Why not? Cameron Diaz. I mean, you figure she's going to be a cheerleader. Aguanot tits, yeah. Why do you call her iguanot chits?

Because her breasts, like, because she has a wide rib cage. and she has beautiful breasts, but they're on the side of her rib cage. So they look out almost like iguana eyes. Oh, so you can never sneak up on her. That's good. All right, start for Blind Adams! Hey, we can't see them.

Okay, let's do it. Start for Blind Adam! Yeah, we can't see them. Very good. Thank you so much. I'm really trying here. This first one's from the Kids Choice Awards, and it is gross as fuck.

From the kids' choice awards. I choose boogers. This A-list actor, well, A-minus list actor, who does the television and almost television thing at the same time supposedly has a girlfriend but had no problem hitting on the entire flock of Nickelodeon and Disney barely legal teens. He could be their grandfather, but he don't care. Oh, my goodness. Now you've got to guess who the celebrities. No, I know, I know, I know. I'm trying to think now.

So can you give us any hints of why you would be there? Recently on a Netflix family show. A family show on Netflix. Netflix family show. But we're talking a grandfather. Reboot. A reboot. We're talking about a daddy here.

Oh, perhaps Bob Saggett? No, but close. That's good. Very close. Very, very, very close. Alan Thick. No, in that show. He's dead.

In that show. With Bob. Dave Cooley. No. Oh, you got. Stamos. John Stamos. Oh, I think I said it first, though.

Are you kidding me, though? Those fucking barely legal teens want to have sex with John Stamos. That is not, I don't think that's unwanted. If you're just like, I was being nice and they were just like going kind of crazy around me. I don't know. He's also in a wonderful movie,

The Two Mr. Kistles. He is. Like every week, I get at least three tweets about two Mr. Kisels or, you know, is that year? And I'm like, yes, I'm John Stamos. Next up, this A-minus list, dual threat actress. who is an Academy Award winner nominee

makes her boyfriend meditate for 13 minutes before they have sex every single time until he does there is no sex and at the same time she does some kind of spiritual incense burning I think her name is Nightmare Win

is that what it is? Come on who would do some super bullshit like this? Can you repeat the tints? Yeah, A-list actress Academy Award winner nominee. I'm going to say, honestly, What kind of goofy woman would make a man meditate for 30 minutes before having sex with her?

I could see this, well, it can't be, uh, what's, um... It's not Brie Larson. No. Who's the one with the no lips that's famous? She got no lips. Not no lips. We just talked about her. Goop?

30 minutes meditation. God damn. Gwyneth Paltrow does that? Oh my God. Shakespeare and love is ruined. Oh, my God. Yeah, Ray Fines would have had to meditate for 30 minutes before unwrapping. They would have caught him.

He would have been killed. The king would have killed him. Oh, she is a nightmare. Oh, my goodness. Wow. I didn't even want to have sex with someone after that. Oh, I've never seen, like, physically so attractive. And then the personality just negative.

I would just be too relaxed to that point. I'm like, ugh. Unbelievable. What about spontaneity and just taking somebody, you know, fun? 30 minutes. 30 minutes of meditation. So then what, Jackie, I mean, you know. That's just a nap.

What is happening? You wake him up from the nap and you climb on top and he's like, oh, well, now he's rested. He's ready to go. Yeah. I mean, the lady, sometimes they like to jump on you and just, you know, I guess that doesn't happen with her. Not at all. She doesn't seem to be a very spontaneous person. Oh, no.

Not in the least bit. It's scheduled once every two weeks, you know, that you have the meditation and then we have our basic weird, bland sex. Yeah. And that's it. She's like the character from the Big Lobowski that the Redhead played. Yeah, yeah, Julia Moore. Who I love Julian Moore. She's the best.

Julian Moore is beautiful physically, but also personality makes her so beautiful. I always mention she was walking her dog down. First Avenue, and I saw her, and we locked eyes. She smiled. I nodded. She kept going. I have a story about Julianne Moore down First Avenue when I was walking Teddy Bear 1. Wow!

Yes, and her daughter came to Pet Teddy Bear. What? And she said, what a beautiful dog. And then I said, oh, yeah. She's just so gorgeous. Yes. Oh, yes. I guess she lived in the East Village for a little while.

I guess so. She's the best. She's so gorgeous. Love her. And lastly, this A-list, mostly movie actress with A-plus-plus list, to name recognition does not act much any longer, it seems. She is, however, having sex with a gun runner who has supplied guns to countless wars. Whoa.

Which woman is going to meet a gun runner? A plus plus. A plus woman has all those U-N connections. Oh, Angelina Jolene. Angelina. Jolet. Got me on that one. Wow.

I mean, that doesn't surprise me. After Billy Bob Thornton, I mean, you know. And, like, she obviously doesn't want a Brad Pitt type anymore. So she's going more back to her roots. So she's going with a gun runner. I don't think Brad did anything wrong. He was stressed. I think he was very stressed by his horrible son.

Yeah, that's what it was. Oh, he was a bad son. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With all the nannies. So, you know, it was a problem for Brad Pitt to deal with. Yelling at him on the plane. Oh, but they blew that out of proportion. He was just a drunk dad on a plane.

That's what you're supposed to do. Sit down. Don't look at me. Look at me. Just super stressed. I don't blame him for that. Of course. How stress can he fucking be?

Are you kidding? Kid yammering at him for eight hours on the way back from Dubai. Daddy, I want a new castle. Daddy, I don't like my old castle. Daddy, guy. I have a new castle. You're right. That is difficult for him to do it.

Celebrities, they're just like us. Just like us. Just like us. And that's all we got that for on this week's page seven. Thank you very much, Ben, for joining us. Thank you so much for having me. It was an honor. And now I know so much more about celebs.

Hell yeah. Have a wonderful week. Goodbye, everyone. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.