Page 7 - Episode 198: Naughty, Naughty Pope

Episode Date: April 14, 2017

Marcus and Jackie are joined by Henry Zebrowski to talk about Barry Manilow's sordid affair with a certain magician, Jude Law's portrayal of an extra naughty pope, and to reminisce about Henry's childhood love of musicals. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

She's got a fucking dark past as well. What? Yeah, in South Africa. That's so cool and sexy. I know. It's not sexy that the parents... I know, but... Do they murder...

He murdered her. Awesome. Yeah. Whoa. You didn't know that? Everybody. That's incredible. We started off with murder time.

Murder time. Murder time. Of course, we're joined today by Henry Zabrowski. Thank you for joining us, Henry. Most thankful to be here. Ain't nobody got to keep him now. Then I stop. You've got to keep on moving.

My favorite that is also on the cruises with the red, red wire. When our family went on a cruise together, every time you walked onto that Lido deck, they were playing. I think the band, I think it was the only song they knew how to play. I think they were hostages. For those of us who've never been on a cruise, what is Alito deck? The deck. I mean.

There's several decks, Marcus. And then a Lido deck is sort of. of the, that's the relaxing deck. That's where on our cruise it had the hamburger bar. Where every two hours they refresh the hamburger bar, my father used to go, be like, eh, we gotta go.

They just redid the meat. Get the hamburger bar. You got to get the fresh meat. You can't get the meat that's been sitting out for two hours. But they were very, they had to eat every two hours. You got to get your money's worth. You got to get your monies worth. Don't eat chicken.

I don't remember how many, did mom ever yell at you about eating chicken? Yeah, because you always have to get the steak you get the red meat because you got to get your money's worth. We eat chicken at home. We don't need chicken on a cruise. We don't need to eat chicken when we're out. That's a waste of money.

It's always weird. So you weren't allowed to eat chicken anytime you went out that, not just on the cruise, but at any point. I think it had to do it's because it was her territory. She made the chicken. Yeah, she's like the Ena Garten of our family. Jeffrey loves his chicken. I wish I was Jeffrey. What a wonderful little slave, Jeffrey is.

Just puttering around, making money. so Ina can go to the fresh market, come back, make him some kind of toast. No, he's always out on Fire Island with his boys. He's a homosexual. How dare you? He was a Navy man. Oh, wow, there's nothing homosexual about a bunch of half-nude men in a tiny hot pipe. Speaking of homosexuals and your mother, the big news, Barry Manilow.

He's free. He's finally free. Although how sad was it that, like, the main thing he's like, I didn't want to I didn't want to let my fans down. The horny old women. But come on, it doesn't matter. Liberace! Anybody...

Neil Diamond. Any other than you're... Nays, he looked it. He's kind of gay. Right? Honestly, he's like the most ferocious Jew performer ever. Right? Barry Manilow?

No. Neil Diamond. Well, Barry Manelow is a big Jew. What? Duh. Interesting. Barry Man... His name is Barry.

He looks like a snapper turtle. How dare you? He doesn't. Barry I would have had sex with. I could have turned him. He should have let me at him. How'd that work out all the other times you tried turning dudes? You know, it ends in heartbreak.

You just like gay men. I think I'd like gay men. Have you told Doug that he is homosexual? Oh, God. I think he's already told me, so it's fine. He's not gay. He's very straight. Do you think that Barry Manlo's sex tape will come out now?

Yeah. Oh. I guess he's dumb. No, he's still going. Oh, just the residual inertia pumps. I just, I'm glad that he's been with his husband for so long, though, but, you know, he's an ugly dude. Yeah, I mean, the husband or Barry Manilow? The husband, I would never say that about Barry.

Yeah, Barry is very handsome. Yeah, yeah. He just didn't you look like a snapping turtle. Yeah, but he used to be more handsome back in the day. Now he's looking like a snapping turtle because he's got the goddamn all the work done. It's all the work done, and he looks very bad. But back then, with his hair, of billowy. Hair.

Oh, my God. And what a showman. What a showman. And that's what went in and making him so much more attractive. Next to Bet Midler, who I also find strangely attractive. Dude, have you ever watched the old tapes? There's a bunch of them on YouTube. Her boobies flop around.

And when she was in like the small like dive nightclubs when she was young and there's all these like really old videos of her. Yeah, it's strange. And like that men were just like, they just needed her, wanted her. And she, but she played in all like the gay clubs. Ben Biddlerhead was very attractive And so was Barry Manlo And again, great showman

I'm glad he's free I hope he gets out there I want to see him snap on a dick I want him to do that fucking towel wrap His whole body Whip it, whip it, whip it, whip it I think he still has a fairly tight body He's looked underneath there

He looks like Cheryl Crow I think it's if you took off the show A benefit of the doubt here I think he's got a flappy body Well as far as him being sexually active we're going to go ahead and do a little early blind item. What? Oh, yeah, this openly gay stole A-minus list singer has been cheating on his significant other.

Disgusting. With a foreign-born gay magician who is also in a relationship. Can you guess who it is? Barry Manilow and the great Spalunker? Carrot top. Is it carrot top? His name is Mistak. It's French for mistake. Unmastak.

It's Sigfried. He's fucking Sigfried. That's a power couple. Oh my God. They would take over Vegas. I would throw up a bunch, but I would watch that sex tape. Oh, would I watch it? There's tigers in the room.

Just slowly pawing around and Barry's like, do you think maybe we should put the leashes on the tigers and Sigmunds? He's like, no, they are my family. And then he goes, okay, at the Copa. Copa. Copacabana. Pooh, poop, poop, poop, poop. That's the sound of, um, humping. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, when it's just dust on the inside.

The hottest spot north of Havana. Here at the Copa, Copa Cabana. Music and fashion are always the passion at the Copa. Don't fall in love. Copa, Copa, Copa, Copa, Copa. Oh, God, I love that song. What a story. I was such a gay little boy.

I remember sitting and literally doing all of those songs, We're just ships that dance in the night. Like, as like a nine-year-old, then I just see Dad just driving with a scowl on his face as I'm in the back, we're still here. It's just that we're out of sight. My son's a homosexual. Between that and the fandom of the opera.

Daddy, romance is the name of the game, and it's all about mystic and then opera. Opera is the most romantic music of all time, Daddy. God, you loved Phantom of the Opera. I loved it. That's so strange. I would have put my, I took one of my mom's dresses, and I made it into a cape, and then I would listen to Phantom the Opera on my Walkman and walk on the treadmill.

Did you sing along? Of course. Why did you have to walk on the treadmill? He was getting his exercise. I just do it. Just occupying time. This is before masturbating. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, you've got to do something. Masquerades, paper faces on parade. Masquerade. I can't sing this with him. Hide your face so the world may never find you. So when did your dad stop inviting friends over? When he stopped drinking. That's his own problem.

Yeah, that was his thing. Totally unrelated. Then he couldn't make fun of his kids with his friends anymore at that point. They kept taking me out on fishing. Like, I went on two or three policemen's fishing trips, and I always ended up crying and stuff because I couldn't understand like the hunting part of it and I wasn't good at the fishing

and I would just be sitting there like Daddy I just want to perform you know what I mean and he's just like you gotta put some fish fucking blood on you No I almost got my ear ripped off a fish hook once and I was about four or five I understand Oh did it catch on you and you're pulling a bat

caught on me yeah yeah You're like a big screaming lure Man I've never been fishing and I don't think I'd ever ever ever enjoy it You'd like the drinking and sitting part. That's fine. As long as I can just sit and drape, it's like, yeah, on a boat, which means, yeah, I want to have a margarita and I want to be

laying in my, like, my swim overall. You want to be on a cruise. I want to be on a cruise. But a pump for a cruise is that it is a roving fat boy person. Like, it is not a, you can't, it's not a sexy vacation. I don't understand how people go and have a good time.

It's just eating and drinking big sugary daqueries. You lay out, which is like, fine, but you can do that on a beach. But you're just in there just like, everybody's got dysentery. Everyone's sick. I never understood the cruise. Although Henry and I would hit the dance clubs at night. Everyone thought we were married. Man, but did we hit the dance

clubs? And those who that I tell, I'll remember forever. Me and my sister bride. Dancing the night away. Dancing and dancing. I remember because an older woman was flirting with me. That was really kind of weird. That was very large. Because we looked like the white clumps.

Yeah, or yeah, Hercules, Hercules. Just me just jammed. I was like, my men's warehouse jet suit with like, it was like a 54 husky. It was a portly. We were fat. We were so fat. And then I was like getting hit on by some older black gentleman and probably is like

50s or 60s and his wife didn't like it. And you were 15? No, I was 16. 16 going on 17. Oh, perfect. Ammo. Yeah, I got caught one of those ones in a dance hall in Green, Texas. Except the husband loved it.

See, that's, yeah, because it means Like, oh, my wife is desirable. Yeah, I was like 18 or 19, but she was hitting on me hard. You were going to cuckold him. Yes, I was going to cuckold him. You were going to sweet 19-year-old boy. Just pounding away at his wife,

well, he just jerks off in the corner being like none of the boys in the oil field will come over for our date night. Do you ever, have you ever done that? Have ever cucked a man? I've never cucked a man, no. God, it's just the term is just so awful. It's awful, yeah. I've never slept with a man's wife.

while he was watching. No. Nor have I ever slept with the man's wife in general. Very good. Morals on this show. We're a moral show here, page seven. Even though Molly's gone, our moral compass is still pointing north. This is the most positive, I feel, that we've been.

We're not being bad. We've been told, we were warned to not be bad. We got a talking to because we were having some conversations before this started. Free speech. And then Marcus said, you guys going to be bad today? I've never been bad. I've been a good boy. I'm a good boy.

Yeah. All right, do you want to be bad? No, I won't talk about 13 reasons why, or big little lies, but I will say there's a lot of R in it, and it's great. There's a lot of R's. Oh, man, so many R's. Reading, writing, arithmetic. Ooh.

And the final and rape. Also, that. Also, quite a bit of that in all those shows. I have no reason to watch a show that it purposely just makes me sad. 13 reasons why was really good. I heard that they were, and I did this before, but I heard they were going to change the name of the show to 13 rapes. This is what Marcus said that we were being bad before.

He said that and I said, are you going to be bad? He said, no, I'm going to be good. Look at how I got permission to be bad, though. Which also makes me want to be good. I know. Because then it's bad to be good. And it's like, yeah, then we're the angels on a devil's shoulder. Are you watching anything else besides horrifically sad things?

No, I just finished that today. So now I'm empty. I got an empty tank and it sucks. I'm watching Twin Peaks, man. Oh, yeah. I've done it so many times. I'll keep doing it. It's my favorite show.

It's a good show. It's the best show of all time. Except for the first half of the second season. They lose it a little bit, but then they bring it back. Because Mark Froston just took over, and they lost David Lynch. But Twin Peaks is... It's so good. I try to get through Rome.

Not good. Rome's okay. I've watched Rome. It's boring. Yeah, actually, I did it. Well, I was dating a girl at the time that was very much into it for some strange reason. But yeah, I did the whole thing. She was, like, actively into Rome.

She was super into Rome, yeah. Weird. That's a bad thing. That's a bad flaw. I think it means that you're missing something. You're missing quality control. Have you guys watched the good Pope yet? No.

No. I know Henry hates Pope. Young Pope. Tiny Pope. Tiny Pope. I keep hearing it's good, but I really don't even want to start. I don't want to watch Jew Law as a fucking Pope. It's supposed to be super naughty.

And that's why it's good. And you know I like naughty. I know you like naughty. But then I was like, oh, so young Pope's fucking. And they're like, no, young Pope does not fuck. Everybody else does. But I was like, I want Young Pope to be fucking. That's the thing. I want him to be bad Pope.

Naughty Pope. Now, naughty Pope I could get into it. Just Google naughty Pope. Yeah, look it up. You know it's out there. It's got to be out there. God, naughty Pope. Ooh, five very naughty popes. Oh, God.

Dude Law plays a naughty Pope in the new HBO show. See, it says naughty. The young Pope is a little stinker. Very naughty. Nope, says the word stinker, won't watch it. You know how I feel we're out of the word stink or stinky, and I hate it. I feel like if you don't want to be a little stinker. Yuck.

No. For some reason in my head, if you call a kid a little stinker, it's an eight-year-old with a permanent heart on. And I'm not a stinker. And he never washes his hands, so his hands smell like shit. Hey, nice, stinker. I mean, literally, don't I stink? I'd rather be around an oinker than a stinker.

Hey, hey, look down here. You just committed a cram. You committed a cramp. That's a great thing for a child to do. Taking a child. He's taking you. He looked at my penis. Why he asked me to look at my penis.

Hey, police officer. Stinker. Police officer looked down here. You go to jail. You're going to see you. What a good trap. Get you. Oh, and no, and there's no proof.

And that's the best part. You're a sexy fan of that. What a stinker, huh? What a stinker. He is a stinker. I saw there was an old man covered would seem to be his own shit. Standing outside of the Pentecostal church around the corner from my house here. And that was a stinker.

Sounds like he had a lot to pray for. Yeah, like a washcloth. But you think is, you know what it is if what's funny about prayers? Is that if you just went to the store and bought a fucking washcloth, you'd have it. I think what he did is that he literally used the phrase, you can shit in one hand and wish in the other and see which one fills up. You know what do I do with all this shit? I guess I got rub it on my body.

Now I'm warm. Oh, now it's getting hot out. No wishes coming true over here. I guess I shouldn't have wished for all that shit in my hands. It's the only one you're going to get. Oh, this is a sad one. Jay Giles died. Yeah.

Wow. Jay Giles, man, dancing on the ceiling. That's Lionel Richie. Is that Lionel Richie? Yeah. Oh, it's Angels and Instead of... Yeah. Man's cow.

Yeah. That's a hot video. That's a hot video. Yeah, freeze frame, also a great song. Freeze frame. That was the first song I ever performed live with the band. Freezing? Strange.

Me and my cousin, I started playing drums because me and my cousin thought it would be really funny to start a band, go to an open mic, and play Freeze Frame by Jay Giles. That is really funny. Yeah, it is actually very funny. You also sadly died today, Charlie Murphy. Yeah, I saw that. I thought it was Eddie Murphy, though. So you were then happy?

It was like Eddie Murphy. So you went and then you search Charlie Murphy and you're like, oh. Good. No, it's sad. Donkey is safe. Jackie's being a chinky little donkey. He keeps calling me chinky little donkey. Cheeky donkey.

Just in the Streck voice. You're a cheeky little donkey. Jack is a chinky little donkey. That sounds, that sounds like you're not saying cheeky. It doesn't sound like saying cheeky. Cheeky, you're a cheeky little donkey. Oh, Ray. Somebody's a chicky little dinky.

I hate it. I ate it. And in the morning, I'm making waffles. Jackie, that's such a funny quote. Oh, bring it back. Look at that boulder. That's a nice boulder. Oh, I love donkey.

So he's alive. So, yay. Charles Murphy, though, is dead. He did die. A knot of Shrek fame. And it was very sad. It's very sad because he got so skinny, but also at the same time, he looks so good.

You know, that's what happens. Thinner. Was he fat? He was just normal. He just didn't have leukemia for a while. Or most of his life, I think. And then he has his leukemia. That is dark.

That makes you thin. Yeah, it makes you thin, though. It does make you thin. And then, oh, I would dress. Oh. Those last two months. Oh, yeah, I would get fancy clothes. Just in an office.

I can finally get Coco Chanel. Fashion ready to wear. Finally fits me. That's cruel. You're being bad, Henry, right now. Notty Pope. No, you are being a naughty Pope, are you? Yeah.

The real naughty. The real Pope is probably a real naughty Pope because of the things he's seen and had to be fucking quiet about it. They'll ruin the infrastructure of the entire quote-unquote Catholic nation. That is Vatican City. Okay. All right.

Okay. I believe you and I support you, however. I am incredibly hungover. I hope that watered down ice coffee is really doing you well. Wink. You can hear my winks. Yeah. It's squishy.

He's got squishy eyes. That's the problem. Blink, bling, bling. He's getting me all wet. And not like that. Blink. Oh, Jackie. Stop.

I meant that you were squishing your eyes at me. Stop it. I didn't mean about my vagina. Shut up. Never say vagina. I'm sorry, my rose pedal. You're glistening petal. My petals.

My petals. My petals are wet. I guess I got watered recently. Shut up. Oh, they're turning friends into a musical. Oh, Jesus. You know, they just, you know, they just. turn Groundhogs Day into a musical.

It's on Broadway right now. Why? What about Barb? That's my question. What about Barb? I'm very upset about it. I'm not. I'm not.

I will never. I'm never watching. Now, I don't think it is remotely appropriate to call for any sort of like public violence. I think that the idea of that is really disgusting. But I think that if someone were to take a machine gun to the Friends musical,

I think who would be great. I mean, just to take it in, just to see if they can get it in. Just to punish it. everyone in the chain of command that made the decision to make the Friends Music. Oh, no, listen to the track list for it. The only coffee shop in New York City. That's 45 Grove Street.

How can we afford this place? It was never about the rent. That's a whole other fucking show. I just want to quit everything. How are you doing, ladies? Oh, that's Joey's song. Oh, my God. That is just like, we're living in a purity.

We're living in a parody of, television and movies. Like, weird out, we're like post, postmodern. We're just living in a world where all of this dumb shit that would have been a joke in a weird owl film is not real. I mean, you know, Stephen Hawking just became a hologram too, so good for him. Man, in that hologram, I hope his penis works. I don't think it does. I don't think it's magic.

He's also unfortunate. What I hope that they did for Stephen Hawking. I know he's smart. I would say so. Yeah, no, it's rough. I know he's smart, but it could come about to put him in an exoskeleton. There's got to be something. We've talked many a time about your idea of putting Stephen Hawking in an exoskeleton.

It's not going to work. Why, though? Because he needs actual muscles to move the exoskeleton. There is no exoskeleton technology that exists that he can use to make his mind. He can't just use exoskeletes. What you do is you have that maid that, the maid that he fucks or is nurse that he's fucking. He can't fuck anything. He sticks out his fingers and er.

uses the chair in and out. That or I imagine his tongue is probably very strong. You can't move any of it. He can't move any of it. Stephen Hawking is not a sexual being in any way, shape, or four. What if someone just sits on his face, though, and just rub his rose pedal on his face? Well, then he's just an inanimate object.

It's just a soft piece of flesh. That's great. That's all he is. That's all I want to be. But he, Steve Hawking, you put him in a thing. He's got a pilot person that goes within places. E, E, E, E, E, E, E, you can fucking put Eitrolics up in his fucking penis. So his penis can work.

Chum, chum, chum, chum, so we can go, like, climb up buildings and shit and jump over cars. Like, have big forklift arms. That would be cool as fuck. That's awesome. He's also the strongest man. All robot. All robot. And then we, him versus the Rock in a pay-per-view event, or kind of like one of those things, like a live-stream thing on Facebook, and he fucking rips the rock's arms off.

You know that he's got to have violence in there somewhere. You know? He's got to be mad for being bound to a chair for how many years? Ah, that's something like 40, 30? Long time. That's a long time. You know, good for him. He gets to sit down.

Look at me. I'm loving sitting down. Yeah, I don't want to stand all the time. Me and my wheelchair are going to be best friends. Strat me in for life. Give up the dancing. Give up the jumping. God.

She's got to ask that naughty pope for your Catholic wish. They're bringing back fear facts. with Ludacris as the host. Good. I think that's good. Sintillating. Is that show going to get a little? Ludicrous.

This is what happens when you don't watch TV for two weeks, Jackie. I know. I've been consumed with my shows. Well, that's the idea is because I'm sorry because you're staying in my apartment where I've gone completely a la carte. What? Entertainment a la carte.

I choose what I choose what I want. to watch. We were all internet. It's either Netflix or Apple TV. When your problem, though, is that it does end up causing, like, weird fights within your relationship where it's like, it's not that Natalie and I fight that much, but the fights about the TV sometimes are just like, you choose, you choose.

It's difficult. It's difficult. So then we just went ahead, we just went ahead and got cable. Why? Because it's great. But there's too many. You already have so much at your fingertips. But you got to watch commercials and shit. That's kind of fun. Now I'm back into liking it, and you know what show I discovered? Hip Hop Squares.

Oh yeah, you emailed me about hip hop squares, which I didn't understand. He emailed me with the subject line, you got to watch hip hop squares with nothing in the subject. I was like, why didn't you text me? Because I was on a plane. And I was thinking about it because I was watching it on the plane. It's Hollywood squares,

but with like random hip hop like celebrities and like people from like real wives of Atlanta and shit. And it is ludicrous. No, I'm sorry, Fear Factor is ludicrous. Yeah, yeah, you got Chris! I hope he yells that, the show. All I think about it is you're stupid. My petals.

Hip Hop Squares is just, is... What is it on? VH1. Oh, good. It's when I'm sick of watching diners, drivers, and dives, because they play that for eight hours a night. What if you miss an episode? They don't play other shows anymore.

And HGTV only does fixer uppers because they know now, they fucking hold it out on us. Fixer-up versus one night a week. Then it's all night though. But the rest is House Hunters International. And then also the saddest show I've ever seen. All of this is just white noise shows that I do anything to just shut up my brain. It's great for the airplanes and shit.

And so Lotto House Hunters is the saddest show I've ever seen. Ooh, what's that? It is. Yocles who have made millions of dollars in the lottery. Go to this man. This real estate guy is like, I will help you phone you dream home. And it's just spending Yokel's money.

And it's just these idiot. It's like it's sad because it's not done for the joke of it. My lottery dream home. My lottery dream home. Thank you, Henry. Why? You don't even know the name of it? Who cares?

It's like it is the same. It's not played for laugh. So it's not making fun of them because, but that's what's sad is that, but they should be being made fun of. Because it's stuff being like, like the girls always like, I always hated a dream that the living room would have two waterfalls in it. And it's all just like they pretend to be like now like they're become experts and interior design. And it's like they're not, it's not good.

They're getting built. Yeah. They did not earn that money. It is people with no knowledge of property taxes. They don't understand how much trouble they're going to be in. And they just feed on it and feed on and feed on the show. I think, I know how important is to you to have an inside and outside pool. And that's why we got you here.

It's got four pools. The living rooms are pool. Oh, this is. Nice, Greg. This is darkie-tick. We're living in it. We're leaving in a porn. Is it a British show?

Oh, it's real noise here, boy. All right. Ever since I won't know, right? I've been Lucas. He's got crockery in it. Here's some of the dumbest things they've put in their houses. A miniature version of the house for the dog. Yay!

Like $25,000. Worth it for the dog. A home theater, of course, but all velvet home theater. Oh, I hope it's on the walls and on the ceiling, too, in case you want to touch it anywhere you are. It is. And it's all purple. It's like being inside a fancy case for a flashlight. Of course, it's sauna.

You got to have a sauna. Oh, yeah. Sure. Wine cellar, got to have a wine cellar. They don't even drink wine. He just won the lottery. They're from Potlucka, Tennessee, and they show up, and they're like, because they're like, we've been thinking about getting into wines. Have you heard of Carlo Rossi? Big glass, potty, you can use it to do. Who, who, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I love my life now. I'm a millionaire. I'm making bass noises with my mouth. I'm a millionaire, and I'm always going to be.

It's never going to change Because once you get money Money That's what's eating Gilbert grape though He became a lot of millionaire Yeah He'd just be living on spinning hats And jelly farms

Oh he'll have a jelly foam Don't tell him that jelly Doesn't grow in front No that's why they Take him to a vineyard and let him smash everything Well you just take a tree You duct tape a bunch of jars of jelly to the It's a jelly farm, bam.

All new dreams came true. Nobody, believe me, I want to ask. Oh, you look at me. Uncle be a million a two. Back into the British though, there is. You get a stable if you want. Stable. Oh, good.

They're going to take care of those horses. We can put the cats in it. Huge hay balms of the cats. Just like, eh. Damn cat. Big aquarium, gigantic aquarium. All right. Full wall aquarium.

Ooh, that's fun. Oh, never, again, I don't know if I think I've said it on here before. I watch tanked a lot because a mom likes tanked. Interesting. I don't like a reality show about making fish tanks. Fish tanks are bad. And also, with these moronsor realizes what you have to, how you have to clean that fish tank out,

which is going to be just a floating cube of liquid shit in the center of your house. Don't get a fish. Don't do this. Do you something. to put a maco shark in the middle of my kitchen. You got to get a tank guy. Tank guy. Yeah, you got to get an aquarium guy.

You can't take care of it. Because my mom tried doing the whole aquarium thing. It was a mess. She just ended up shoving a bunch of snails in there because the snails clean it for you. Oh, yeah, and those sucky fish. It was just a fucking tank of snails. Mrs. Parks, they sent me from the tank store.

My name's Miguel. I'm the tank man. Yeah, I know all about tanks. Sounds like a beginning of a porn with you. your mother as a star. Yeah, Mrs. Parks, let me see. Bent over this tank here, because I'm the tank man. I don't know if Miguel would sound like that.

Walking real, real red line there. I think your mother is beautiful. She is beautiful. I was looking at pictures of her on Facebook. That's weird. What? She liked a post that someone made of ours, and I was looking at pictures of your family for a while.

I was pretty hammered. I didn't like, I almost friended her, but I didn't. Well, you'll get to meet all of them in Dallas. Very good. Mm-hmm. I think it's gone long enough. Our friendship's gone long enough and I have not ever met your parents.

That is true. You haven't met it? Well, you've met my brother. Yeah. Mm-hmm. But you've not met my parents. It's time. I want to meet mommy and daddy.

You will. Oh, I can't wait to see the pictures. Yay. You could get a moat. Oh, now that is something. I would want to draw a bridge and a moat. Oh, I'm sick and tired. I have the postman just been able to come up to the house whenever you lost.

Put up the draw bridge. Guards! Where's the damn guards? I'm going to put a helmet on the Rumba. That's our guard now. That's going to take care of the whole house. Make the dog do it. They just strap the tie the dog to the drawbridge and make them scared so he runs.

Now put a suit on the dog. It's our butler. Dog can wear many hats. Yeah, if you strap it to his fucking head. Oh yeah, the people. Boy, do you guys watch the hills at all? No. Laguna Beach.

Yeah, I remember that. Yeah, they got it. Yeah. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. How were they still remotely relevant as human beings? I think they just have a lot of money, so they're just around. How do they still have that much money? But she just squirted one out, right?

They invest. Yeah. Yeah, they'd get that money. They invests. Mani Money stars making money. Can you look up Heidi Montag's net worth? I think didn't she make a bunch of, like. sex tapes or something too? No, that's

fat. What's her name from Teen Moms? Fat Melissa. From teen moms. Farah Abrams. Yeah, she was a ho. She wasn't a ho. She was a sex worker. You're right. Apparently they squandered a $10 million fortune. Of course. That sounds great.

The term is squandered. But I mean, they're still an us weekly for squirting out a kid. The PR firm is paying for that. She spent an estimated $100,000 $1,000 a month on hair and makeup. Cool. Oh, yeah, I would buy someone to live in my house.

Like, make me up. And I'll just sit there and watch your big little eyes by myself. This is a good show. This is a good show. That'll look beautiful. You can't watch it. You're working. God, she spent $200,000 in a single day on 10 plastic surgery procedures that she did all at once.

God. God, she looks like. I don't know how to describe what it is. is that she looks like. I mean, she obviously looks like she had a lot of work done. Yeah. Yeah, she's plastic. Yeah, a few years later, she had to spend an extra $40,000 to reduce her breast implants from F cups to seize. Damn.

Why do you choose F? That's where, that's back hurting season. Mm-hmm. Back hurting season. I also think that it's a part. I think maybe she was going to make the shift to porn and then she pulled it last minute. She might have because it's, I mean, it looked like that's where she was head. She was angling towards it and then maybe somewhere, like maybe she met Jiminy Cricket or some

magical creature that sort of like gave her a sense of conscious. Yeah, but it was probably Jiminy Cricket. More than likely. A lot of women before they go into porn get visits from Jiminy Cricket. Hey, tell you you want to do that? All right, well, let me see him. I'm just a cricket. What does it matter if I see him?

Oh, God. You can show me. I'm just a cricket. Let me up in there. This is my friend Miguel. He's a tank man. Yeah, I'm a tank man. What a team.

Man. Yeah, I do tanks. I'm working with tanks all the time. Let me see him. Let me just see him. I'm just a tank man. I can. Your breasts, I will see it with the unofficial and judicial and unjudgmental gaze of a tank man.

All right, it's time for the list. Yeah. Who's on the list? Borkas got to have that list. Famous people born on the exact same day. Ooh, I was born on the same day as Napoleon. This is like a topic of a conversation. Did you bring up with your grandmother who has like Alzheimer's?

And you have to spend like 45 minutes with her at the fucking. Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Do you know who else was born on this one day? Cheech Marin. Isn't that interesting, grandma? Grandma.

What? Oh, God, she's passed. Thank God, because I had 20 more minutes and I just fucking couldn't get through it. Thank you. I was born on the same day as Janice Joplin and Edgar Allan Poe. Ooh. And famous Civil War General Robert Ely. Wow.

Henry, do you know yours? It's like, I want to say Harriet Tubman, Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, all born in the same day. All the greats. All my peers. But that was not the same day and the same year. These are all the same day in the same year. Rosie Perez. Is she yours?

I actually don't know. I don't know who was born on May 1st. White men can't jump. White men don't have to jump. No, they don't. We use people to climb on. We don't have to jump. Use them and break their backs.

Oh, man, we'll get up there. We'll get real high. Oh, my God. You know what I just found out? What? Ham the chimp died on the day I was born. Oh, my God. What a loss.

Ham the chimp. He was the monkey that went in a space. Oh, no. Ham is a really good name for a monkey. Yeah. What if we name him pizza? Guys, we're scientists. All right, we'll name him a good.

scientific name ham. Cookie dough. This is sniffles. We're putting him to the moon. We gave him AIDS and we're trying to cure it. That's why I renamed him sniffles. Abraham Lincoln and Charles Darwin were both born on February 12th, 1809.

What a good day, huh? This is great. By contrast, Michael Jordan and Larry the Cable Guy. We're both born on February 17, 1963. What a dream? What a day. Where would we be without Larry the cable guy? I got to say.

I don't know. I just think about him every morning when I wake up. There shouldn't be a lot more sleeves out there. Free-floating sleeves. Free-floating sleeves. I wish I had a hoe. Paul McCartney and Roger Ebert. June 18th, 1942.

Ebert's dead, though, right? That's a dead one. Yeah, yeah. He's the one. He lost his jaw and then he died. No, he's still alive. No, Roger Eberton. is dead.

No, are both of them dead? Paul McCartney's alive. No, I mean, Siskel and Ebert. Ciskel is dead. And Ebert is still alive. No, Ebert's dead too. Oh, they're both dead. I think so, because he's like...

Which one was the fat one that lost the jaw, though, right? Ebert. That was Ebert. Ebert now looks like Wren from Ren and Stimpy in the, uh, in that tooth loss episode where he's all soft in the face. It's just like... Is it time for my much? You get time for my mush?

I think that he, um, uh, should have a... gigantic face mask so that we can stop looking at it. Yeah. Now that he's dead. I mean, now he does have one big face mask. It's called a casket. But I think beforehand, he could have like a cobra commander mask. Yeah, he died like four years ago.

Oh. Yeah. I give that a thumbs down. Siskel died in 99. Yep. Brain tumors. Wow. Yep.

But is that why all the movies and all the TVs are bad now? That's why what about Barb exists? What about Barb? What about? We're going to find out fall 2017. It makes me so mad. Angelina Jolie and Russell Brand, June 4th, 1975. That's incredible.

God, they're both so thin. Maybe that's what we needed. I should have been born on that day. That's what it is. You get that thin gene. But I think that she has an eating disorder. Russell Brand has a pretty strong addiction. It's a drug use.

Yeah, maybe I've got to get one of those. You do need that. That will definitely get you thin. You're right. You remember used to a bunch of drugs used to be really skinny, but you were all haunted. Yeah, but it was a fun kind of haunted. You were not fun haunted. Viscous ghosts.

You cried on the drop of a hat. You were always crying. Yeah, it was kind of fun. Eric Stone Street, for modern family. The big fat one. The big fat one. And Henry Thomas. My namesake.

That's your name. That's your name. That's my name. There he is. That's my name. There he is. At September 9th, 1971, Henry Thomas was the little boy in E.T. And he also was in, um,

Ouija Origin of Evil Yes, which was not that bad I thought it was great It was pretty great I thought it was a pretty solid horror Also, the devil's candy Is fucking awesome Also the void

Oh, the void looks so good It's so good It's good meaty violence Is it in theaters right now? I don't know How'd you get it? No, iTunes Yeah, I rented it

You know why? Because I'm a consumer Yeah, hell yeah, good for you America Thumbs up Marilyn Monroe and Andy Griffith June 1st, 1926 I wonder if they sucked

Grandma? Grandma should I keep reading this list? Yes, I'm still awake Grandma, Joseph Gordon Levitt and Paris Hilton were born on the first day Do you remember them? Oh, I do.

Paras Hilton's a whore Yes, grandma. Grandma, you know Nancy Grace? You like Nancy Grace? I love her, best entertainer in the world. Kill them all. Her and weird old Yankovic. Weir now Yankevick is a punishable Jew.

Grandma, you're full of it today. You must be having a lucid time. I'm sheing gremlin. I can't see them. I can't see them. All right. He's grandma now. I can't see them.

This A-List daytime talk show host, whose hair color changes with the new show season, berates his weary producers in front of the studio audience if a show. goes over live to tape in time because he'll hit traffic on the George Washington Bridge coming home from the studio in Connecticut. Meanwhile, the producers will be working until 10 p.m. wrangling possibly pregnant guests for the next day's taping. He also wants the guests pre-produced not to touch him ever. If they do, the producer will be in for another reaming.

Mori Povich. Of course. Yeah. He's still kicking it? Oh, yeah, doing the same thing. I watch Mori Povich at least two or three times a week. I honestly think that I don't find this offensive. I think that that's what just he knows what his show is.

He shows up. It takes 45 minutes to shoot like five of these episodes of this show. He gets them done. He goes out the fucking door. He shows up. Just blah, blah, blah, blah. Guys, what are we making here? Is this the U.N.?

Got to go. No, we're making the Mori Povit show. They just fucking crank him out. Crank him out. I just can't believe it's still going. Yeah, man. It's one of my breakfast shows. It's either that or Matt.

Averick or the match game. I mean, all great choices. All starting with M. You literally are like a man from 1975. It's like you're living the same lifestyle. Because I could see you with a dirty wife beater on watching the fucking dating show. Just so it's like, smoking cigarettes and watching captain. Gang, do you don't tell me.

I got nothing to do. I mean, scrambled eggs of my lady made me. Oh. It is 1975. Damn. And you're just drinking an old can of schlitz and being like, next time I make these fluffier, everybody's getting hit, including myself. Keep taking off the belt and putting the belt back on.

It's 10 a.m. I'm not schlitzing it just yet. Our father used to do that game where he says, like, we used to do the thing. It's like he would start a call and response when he'd say something. He's like, you know what happens when I take off my belt? And we all say, your pants fall down. And he laughs. Well, we were verbally abused. I forgot about that.

I forgot about that. You forgot about that? I forgot about that, yeah. Yeah, you like uncomfortable childhood memories? Should we talk about that on the show? Yeah, what are some other calls and responses that you had? I mean, I was talking about the weird tickle game that he used to do. The crawling hand.

Here I come. Step by step. Inch by inch. And then he would come, but he was always drunk, so he would tickle us too hard, so it would just hurt. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then what? If you said what around him and go, What in the world's come over you?

Wap to a uncomfortable childhood memories with Jackie Henry. We can do it. I think we could do hours of material. Give me one more. That's another call and response today. It's like, oh, yeah, I got to go into work. I got to work half a day. And then we'd say 12 hours.

That's right. And then he also does the same thing. Whenever someone says no smoking anywhere, he goes, no smoking. But now I do it in my head. Anytime I see a sign or like if you're going on a ride

or like watching a show and they're like a no smoking. No smoking. But he always screamed it for no reason. It'd be like a three pack a day smoker? Oh I'd say close to close to. Yeah.

Close to that. So that's it was just an incredulous I can't smoke here. Yes. Yes. Oh, every single time. Yep. You really wanted to smoke. That's why you won't get on an air.

He won't come visit us. Because he can't smoke. And now he can't smoke on a train anymore, so definitely can't. We'll never come visit us. Isn't it great? I love family stories. Well, this last one has a little bit to do with your dad. Uh-oh.

Just a little bit. It's long, but it's sexy. You trying to talk about Jackie's damn pedals again? Ginny Nordback. wrote The Scarlet Letters to tell all about her experience working in a California sex dungeon. Recent college graduate, Ginny Nordback, answered a job ad declaring no experience necessary in what an experience it turned out to be. The 22-year-old soon found herself working in a Los Angeles sex dungeon, putting a leash on a major Hollywood star, as she reveals in her astounding new book, The Scarlet Letters.

Her rope work was weak, Nordback knew, but she had the basics of baseball. bondage down. She also was strong in the torture of male genitalia and art in itself. The latter soon came in helpful when a major movie star walked into her session room. Nordbach's test scene was almost child's play, face-slapping verbal humiliation and nipple torture with paddles and a light flogger at hand. Nothing she hadn't already done a hundred times before. It was Mr. Mega Movie Star who taught her a trick not to be found in a BDSM Big Primer. On his first visit, he swaggered into the room wearing shades and smack and gum. While flashing the million-dollar smile recognizable to anyone on the planet,

Nordback quickly roped him to a cross and with a combination of flogging and tugging drove him wild. Afterwards, as they cleaned up, he promised a surprise when he came round again. Next time, she took him directly in the depths of the dungeon into the cave. His first sexy move was to pull off the sunglasses that made him more recognizable, not less, and perched them on her nose. Mega movie star reached into a small leather satchel and produced a selection of urethral sounds metal rods for insertion.

A long-time practitioner, he handed Nordback the thickest one. Yeah. Nothing more can be said except that it ended happily for both. Oh. Marcus, I believe the answer is Jack Nicholson. Is it Jack Nicholson? It's Jack Nicholson.

No way. I actually was very surprised because the sunglasses, yeah, I could see. But my question is, I'm just surprised he's into that kinkier shit as being such an old man. This is a long time ago. No, this is very recent. Wow, up his penis.

Cool, like the... Yeah, it's like a tune-in-fork. Yeah, it's like a tune-in fork. God, why would you want it? Because you are missing something essential. I think, yeah, I think it's something. And also, you know what?

It's like the phrase. Nipple torture and thinking about nipple torture makes you want to throw up. I don't like I don't want pain in there ever since like I'm not going to go into my intimacy's Please don't please do because my intimacies your dog ears when you're with Natalie and her rose petals Don't you even bring up her rose petals but when I was in pain cut my thumb off I thought it very difficult not difficult but it was difficult like you You have to make sure I don't like pain mix with intimacy. Oh, yeah, so you got to keep it out of there. Yeah, you don't like hold it up.

So you had to hold your sum up in the air as you were having sex. Yeah, but it was also kind of like I was celebrating. Yay! That's all we got that for on today's page seven. Thank you very much for joining us. Thank you very much for coming, Henry. You're welcome. I take it back.

I take it back. I no longer thank you. Nottie. Vote for us for a Webby for last. podcast to the left. Webby for Best Comedy Podcasts. Oh, yeah, baby. I voted. Go to Webby Awards and vote for a. I did it. I voted. Do it.

Let's take it back. We're taking back all the bad words. Did you say the R word? No. She did not. What in the world? The world's going to over you. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.