Page 7 - Episode 199: Farmin' Yams

Episode Date: April 19, 2017

Molly, Jackie and Marcus discuss a new lead in the missing Richard Simmons case, Julia Roberts & Susan Sarandon's fake feud, and Pippa Middleton's upcoming wedding. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

I think how we wake up is to get a little bit of Walking on, walking on broken glass. I'm back. I love that song. How did it get back? How did it get back? Someone said the word broken in front of me. And you're like,

The sun's still shining The deep blue sky I haven't thought about it in so long It was finally gone And now it's back Oh, it's, you never want it gone I will let That's a song

I'll swear on the Bible I'll never not smile deeply When I hear that song Marcus you've got a Bible in here Somewhere right? Uh, Satanic Bible I'd rather swear on it I'd rather swear on the Satanic Bible

Honestly Let her swear on it Oh man, Elvo Have you ever tried? I've tried it at karaoke. No, I don't think it would be as much fun. See, that's you're smart. I've tried it.

Too big of a range, Annie Lennox. Yes. My range is about three notes. Yeah, because she does the whole like, oh. Yeah, it's all over the place. Her range is like three octaves. I mean, you know, that's why she's got three good songs, and the rest of it is shit. Except her Christmas album, which I will continue to sing the praises of.

Really? Oh, yeah. I still haven't gotten on board. I haven't listened to it yet. Not that I'm against it. Oh, you'll like it. too bad it's the wrong season. It's the wrong season.

You'll have to wait, but her Christmas album is very good. I highly recommend it. Just eight more months. Oh my God, but I'm going to count every single day until we get there. No, we're in my favorite season right now. I don't want to count down until Christmas, but it gives me one thing to look forward to. We can do Christmas in July. We talk about it every year.

That's true. Let's do it this year. This is the year? This is the year that we do Christmas in July. Okay. I'm getting normal. Well, then we can count down to Christmas in July. Annie Lennox, Christmas in July.

Okay, sure. All right. Be sure to remind us everyone. Because we will forget. Absolutely. You know, here's something that's pretty interesting. There's a new development in the Richard Simmons case. Dun, dun, or at least it's a small kind of development.

But still, it's something. A friend of his says that he is perfect and happy and the reason why he has been in hiding for the last three years, bad knees. So it's just that he can't exercise? Bad knees. I don't think that bad knees are enough of an excuse to warrant this complete exodus from society. Yeah, but then honestly, I ended up stopping listening to missing Richard Simmons because I felt so bad for him.

Because it was just like, you find out everything about his life. And at that point, I was like, man, maybe we should just leave him alone. And then I felt really bad that they were like going after him and after somebody who didn't want to be. gone after. And I felt guilty. I'm guilty of it too. Complicit. Yes. I'm a part of it. Objection. It's like, you know, many years ago when Dave Chappelle was like, I just need space, we need to

give the same affordance to the genius Richard Simmons. And maybe the bad needs, like maybe he's gaining weight back. I mean, it could be part of that too. I know this friend is saying that he is bedridden. I can imagine someone as active as Richard Simmons probably wouldn't want to be. be seen outside in like a wheelchair or something like that. I can get the vanity there. Yeah, and he did a lot of high impact aerobics.

Yeah, for a long time. Oh, yeah. Of course he's got bad knees. Yeah, it's got to fuck up someone's knees that I didn't even think about it. But I guess why the like the, if he doesn't want to go outside, I get that, but why not put out a statement? You know, why not be like, I'm fine. Don't worry about me. But he did though when they first started going out, like when everyone found out, it's like,

wait, he's like, and where did he go? And he did put out the statement. but no one believed it. That's right. Even us. We saw like, oh, that maid has him under her thrall. Oh, yeah, we might be part of the problem. I know.

We're complicit. We might be complicit. But then why did he put up this huge, he put up this huge fence around his place where he was always out front of. He was always taking pictures with anyone that would drive by. He was always outside. And so now there's this huge fence around his estate

with no bell on it, no buzzer. That's why I mean I think I got to like episode five or six and missing Richard Simmons and I was just like and then I felt too bad I felt guilty I understand that you know we're part of the problem well so I mean I guess if we're like wishing for what it could be him having bad knees but being alive and not like murdered by his or held hostage by his woman caretaker is probably good right I guess I don't know know. Well, one of the theories, did you get to the Dalmatians theory? I did. Yeah. Well, if you don't know, there's a theory. I don't know about the Dalmatian theory, actually. Well, apparently he had pet Dalmatians for years and years, and then one by one they died, and then when the last one died, he fell into a deep depression. He even has Dalmatian statues in front of his house. Like, he loved, his Dalmatians were his life.

So this is a very existential question. It's like that quote that all the kids had on their backpacks in high school, it's better to... What would Jesus do? It's better to burn out than fade away. Would you rather... I almost got it tattooed on my body. Between that and I was going to get a huge thing that said namaste down my spine. And both of those are really, really, really close to get them tattooed.

And in that moment, I swear we were infinite. The curse of being a wallflower. Listen, if any of you all have that tattoo, the thing I love, about tattoos is their commitment to like the temporal the, the, I, where you were at the time. Yes, exactly. I have a let it be tattoo. That's, yeah.

Come on. I love that about tattoos. So if you had gotten that tattoo, Jackie, I would, I would love it. Oh, God. My tattoos are never gonna let me forget that I was kind of a douchebag when I was about 19 or 20.

Yeah, yeah. That's what I like about them though. Oh yeah, that'll be, I'm reminded of that every day of my life. Yeah, I think that's good. I think it's healthy and I think that that whole like, well, what are you gonna do when you're 80 is a silly way to think about when you're like 20. Like, I'm not going to live my life for when I'm 80, man.

Yeah, that was my thinking. It's better to burn out than it's a few. But for Richard Simmons, I feel like, you know, would you rather be, is it better to be held hostage in your infirm elder state by a caretaker? Or is it better to just not really want to go out anymore? You know, but at that point, I'm surprised he hasn't just, like, OD'd. I mean, his whole life was people. Yeah.

But it was a mask. He had a mask on. I mean, it was very, I should just listen to the rest of it. It was so, you know how he lost all the weight? How? Pills. Oh, God. Not aerobics?

Not aerobics. He lost a bunch of weight because he was just, like, had an eating disorder, and he did a bunch of fucking pills, which I understand. That was my whole college experience. And then he started, he, like, went into the monastery and then, like, found, like, preaching was such a good way to talk to people and to get to people. and then he made his empire. What?

What? I'm obsessed. I love him. And you know what? I was going to go out and buy all of the sweat until the oldies, but don't worry,

they're all on YouTube. Sweatting to the oldies, baby. Could we still work out to it? Is it a good work out? She's been working out to. I've been working out to it. Yeah? Oh yeah, I'm having fun.

It's fun. I've been sweating, and I'm listening to Oldies. And I'm watching Oldies sweat at the same time. Yeah, that actually sounds great. Maybe you and I can have a little workout return. Yes, I'm down.

Did they talk about where he came up with the idea of the oldies? No. Because I have wondered how he settled on the oldies. I think he was trying to reach a broad range of people. He's like, classic rock, no. Punk rock, no. But he has some that are like 80s hits. I mean, he has like different.

It's not just all oldies. But at the same time, it's like, do you like good music? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and he's like, how do you not dance to that? Of course I want to dance to that. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And you're just like high kicking as you do it.

I've been kind of fantasizing about going back to Jane Fonda's exercise videos. She's just too tight. She is so tight. It's not surprising that you would go to Hanoi Jane. Yeah. I will always want her to be called Hanoi Jays. No, but after going back to Grace and Frankie, or actually, I shouldn't say going back because I haven't started season three.

Is it good? I know. I'm sorry. So good. Okay, good. I was afraid. I did a thing where I sometimes panic about the end of things, and I don't, it's not even the end.

But I'm like, what if it's not? I still haven't seen the last episode of the Get Down. Still haven't seen the last episode of Trailer Park Boys. I don't watch the end of things because I am afraid of changed. I understand. I did the same thing with Parks and Rec. When you invest that much time into something, I don't want to watch the last episode. No, I want to race towards the end.

Move on to the next thing. Whoa. Yeah, that's very productive. Live fast die on. But to burn out and to fade away. Yeah, I know it. sister. But I keep looking at beautiful

Jane Fonda and being like you know, as I was not around in the 70s when she was Hanoi Jane and I didn't learn about that till later. When I was a kid, Jane Fonda was just this gorgeous woman in a leotard with big hair and I didn't know she was such an interesting, brilliant person. But actually that was a big reason of

why he did create... I'm sorry, you may as will listen to fucking Missing Richard Simmons. I'm not going to. Just give it to me. I don't have time. Just give it to me. Why he created sweat into the oldies was that he was like at that time that nothing like no exercise videos were

fun and he wanted to have fun he wanted to be like exercising can be fun if you let it be and he like specifically referenced Shane Fonda that it's like it was too tight it was too like you have to do it this way and it's just like pump one two one two

now you have buns of steel I mean I'll kind of be damned if Richard Simmons is going to trash talk Jane Fonda in my house oh no he wasn't he wasn't trashed He was just saying that he was trying to provide something that was completely different. Okay. That no one had ever seen before from an exercise tape. Okay.

All right. I'll allow it. I won't be damned. Okay. You can't. I love him too much. All right. They might be adapting that podcast for TV.

The what? Yeah. The Missing Richard Simmons podcast. We got to let him lie. Yeah. We got to let him lie. Yeah. But we are complicit because we were part of the machine.

I know. We're talking about it right now. Yeah, I know. And we also started it up a little. You know, we've been talking. about this for a good year. Yeah, I think those other podcasters scooped us. That's my theory.

Are we talking about a scoop here? I think we got scoop. No, but the guy that made it took a bunch of his classes in L.A. So he had, like, met Richard Simmons many, many times. He'd even had, like, dinner at his house a few times. Yeah, it's like he was going to make a documentary about it, right? Yes, yeah. So he's not just that Johnny come lately.

No. Page 7 listener. Not a page 7 scooper? Okay. Are we getting scoops? I'll give you a school. Oh, no, I think we got scoop, guys. Oh, you got school?

Ew. It just makes you think a tuna salad. Like this big glop of tube, scooped out bagel. You ever scoop out of bagel? You're getting the carbs. The only reason why I'll ever scoop out my bagel is that it provides a moat of mayo.

It is a mayo. Oh, no. That's even worse. That's much worse. I would like a moat of mayo in the sandwich. When I cut it in half, it goes... Oh, stop. Stop.

Oh, yeah. I love it. It's like, cover it. Oh, Lord Almighty. I never had heard of a scooped-up bagel time move to New York. I'm not sure if they exist elsewhere. I don't think so. Actually, this is the first I've ever heard of it.

What? Yeah, so they just scoop out the meat of it, and then you just have a bagel, a bread circle? I don't know what's the bread circle? I don't know what's the part. point, I guess for carb conscious people. But I think it's also for bagel sandwiches because then it's not too big to fit inside of your small mouth. That is true.

And the best part of a bagel is the crusty outer part. Of course. And it's the dappens. And it's the mayo. It's not the mayo. Why you put it mayo on a bagel? Mayo comes and I want to eat it. Mayo.

Mayo. That's my new song every time I'm squeegeing to mayo. on every sandwich I eat. I started putting mayo in the middle of my deli roll-ups, too. I get my deli meats, get my deli cheese. I do a squeege of mayo in the middle and I put a romaine lettuce leaf

roll it up. You're using a tortilla? No, no, no. It's a wrap. It's like a Thai wrap. It's with the Thai is people there. Oh, with a lettuce. I see. No, the lettuce is on the inside. The meat is on the outside. Oh. So you still get your hands good and slimy. It's a meat wrap. It's a meat wrap. Because I have heard of lettuce wraps.

Yes. No, I'm. I'm not trying to be healthy here. I just want the mayo and I want the romaine lettuce to scoop the mayo in the inside. So when you roll it around, it's, again, a moat of mayo. It's like a freaky Friday for meat and lettuce. Sure, yeah. In the positions that they're in. Switch it up.

Switch it up. Why not? Why not? Go for it. Good for me. I cannot believe you want to that much mayo. I love mayo so much. Only helmonds, though.

Yeah, I agree. I'm also a helmet. But I'm a big miracle whip, dude. See, it's just a different entity. It's tangy. They just have the same color. People always confuse that. Just because they have the same color.

They think it's similar, but it's different. Completely different. It's like apples and oranges. Mm-hmm. Both fruits. Different fruits. Oh, yeah. One you usually peel.

One you don't have to peel. In this case, both pick white sauces that you don't want to eat playing. Yeah, but it's not like, it's like, oh, slap some tartar sauce on it. That's a whole different thing. It's got pickles in it. But I mean, I love a peckles in it. pickle. As do I.

I love a pickle. Thick white sauce is not on my... What about Ziziki? Satsiki is fine, but it can't be the centerpiece. A thick white sauce does not a centerpiece make. Satsiki comes with a bunch of nice other things, falafel. Cucumber, tomato, spices, all that. Mayo is just too sloppy.

We have to agree to disagree. We will. Objection! I'm sorry. It got objected. We got Sylvester Stallone News. Oh. He's in a fight with Warner Brothers about Demolition Man.

Oh, from 30 years ago? About what? He's claiming over 30 years ago, or no, about 25 years ago. Warner Bros. My brother is bad. I'll let it tell to you. He can't even say the word Warner Brothers. War my.

War by, he said that he said that he. He was supposed to get 15% of the movie's proceeds if it made $125 million. And after 30-some years it did? After, in about 2014, a rep Question Warner Brothers who said the film had actually lost $67 million. Oh, my God. Of course it did. Of course it did. But the studio eventually admitted that was wrong and paid Stallone $2.8 million, but without providing account details.

So Stalves Stallone believes he's owed more money From demolition man That motherfucker does not need any more money What does he care? You said you get it I mean I guess if you're owed money you want it Of course but I also I mean I will say I've not seen Demolition Man in a long time

I think I love it though right? I've seen it so many times I don't know what I've seen Demolition Man probably over 20 times For no real reason It's always on. It's always on. And if it's on, I'm probably going to watch it.

It's not a good movie. No, that's a problem, though, is I feel like I always see Demolition Man, and then I see Mr. Hollins' opus. And then I'm like, well, I'm going to watch Mr. Hollins opus. Because his son is death. He can't hear the music. I'm going to go for Demolition, man, because Wesley Snipes is a blonde. Okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, Platt. See, in this Sunday afternoon cable movie landscape, that's when I choose. stepmom. Oh, see, that really I feel like shows the true difference of all of us. Yeah, I think that right there. You want to see a good sing-along of ain't no mountain high enough. Although I did, weirdly, speaking of stepmom, there was something that came out that I guess when stepmom was created, that they were saying that Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon hated each other.

I remember that. And Susan Sarandon just came out because of everything with feud, which I have not watched yet, and I have to watch it soon. But I don't have FX. And I got to watch it. You've got all the cable. You can come to my house. Okay, I'll come on your house. And that, none of it was true.

It was all a ploy. And it was something that Susan Serran, it was not behind. She was like, someone orchestrated this feud? Yeah, she like, just like the show feud? I mean, she was, she was, she was, she was like, we had no problems with each other. We were fine. I don't know. Those are two pretty high-powerty diva-e, actresses, you know.

But, you know. Ain't no mountain high enough. Except I hated that the kids sang in it. Yeah. I just, you know, ugh. She can't sing ain't no mountain high enough. She doesn't know the struggle of being an adult. Of having to overcome obstacles.

Put your hairbrush down. Stop singing the fucking song. Well, what should she sing? Ain't a mountain high enough. No, what should she sing? Oh, I don't know. I'm a kid. My mom.

I'm dying and I'm sad. It's a heart knock, la. Yeah, yeah. Don't go any on me, Molly. I'm just saying that's like what kids sing. But I'd rather have the Rugrats version of it. Remember that one? Like, it's a hot-knack-dang-bat.

And then it had like the beginning of Rugrats in it. Oh, well, the Rugrats have no concept of struggle. Of course not, but it was some sort of, what do they call it, the rip-rap? A sample? A sample? Yeah. I think it was in the early 2000s. Yeah, I feel like I know what you're talking about. Right?

And it had the beginning of the Rugrats theme song and I don't know why. Two children's things mashed up into one misman. Yuck. What do you have against Danny? Kids singing. Yeah. And you know what? Slapper in the orphanage.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. I actually have a really important question for you. This came up over the weekend. I'm sorry to divert. I know you hate kids singing Over the weekend I was in a conversation with people who said they don't like musicals I was talking about lay miss

My husband tried to offer them But it has little children singing And I said don't say that Nobody likes that And you know what the one little kid singing Gets a fucking bullet in his brain He does but but do you hate That was my question

Do you love Gavroche or do you make Gervos? I hate him You hate Gavroche Although except for the fact that the that the toothless kid from Stranger Things played him on Broadway so it makes me like him more however

he's out he's in the battlefield he wasn't supposed to be out there and you're out there singing like then you pop goes up and then all of a sudden gunshot and then the whole set revolves but aren't you moved do you cry when he dies

nope what I cry when um you know it's like when he little fall of rain you know I'm crying when he's holder because he never loved her and she always loved him but he liked the pretty girl he didn't like the ugly girl you didn't. Don't you fret?

I love that I love the unrequited love plot of layness just as much as everyone else who's been unrequited love but I cannot believe that you don't make an exception for children singing for a garage. It is powerful and I accept that but he shouldn't have been on a battlefield

put the flag down. Yeah but that's the whole story that it was a tragedy that even the children had to fight, and he had good politics, that little boy. Yeah, but also, you know what? He wasn't big enough to hold a gun. That's the problem. You know, if you can reach the bar,

you should be able to drink, and if you can't hold a gun, you shouldn't be in a war. Those are my steadfast life rules. This is very, a lot of our differences are coming out today's episode. That's why I wore high heels at the age of eight so I could reach the bar. And I've never seen Le Miz.

I know, I know. It's okay. One day we should really all go. All right. Yeah, ooh, I saw it on Broadway. I'd go again anytime. Evolving set. I've never seen a Broadway musical.

We gotta go. Let's do it. They're very expensive tickets. Yes, they are. But maybe we should go down to Tampa and we'll go to T-Pack, the Tampa Bay Performing Arts Center. Oh, I would love to do that. And we could get great, great, easy, cheap tickets. Because I think it might have left New York recently.

Yes, yeah, it's on tour right now. So does T-Pat have just a constant lay-miz production going? Usually at least once of year there is a lay-miss because it's all old people and they all love lay-miss. I just as a last word here, you wearing high heels at the bar when you're eight years old, you are singing Gaproche's song. When the pup grows up, like you wouldn't be singing on a battlefield. So when the pup grows up, that. So he's saying when I grow up, I'll murder, I'll kill as well? No, like, he was just talking about how, like, he's a kid.

He's like, don't be scared. The kind of theme of the song is don't not be scared of something that's small, because when the thing that's small gets bigger, it's going to be really powerful. But it gets cut off because he goes when the bop goes up and then bang. Wow. They do kill a child in layman. Oh, yeah. Who murders him?

One of them. The opposition. It's a war. It's about a revolution. Okay. So it's the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the. like basically they're the rebel forces and like the state

murder sent basically yep so he was murdered by the state you know whatever Hanoy Jane I'll be over here

doing my Jane Fonda aerobics with no oldies set to them oh man no you gotta have fun get those knees up it was the music in the Jane Fonda I don't remember I just remember

I remember doing them with my mom but I don't remember if there was music There must have been like just generic 80s elevator music. Like just like, ding, ding, d'n, dint, dint, d'n, bing, d'n, bing, d'n. Yeah, it was just a room full of ladies, though. Let's hear some of it. This is exactly what I just saying. Exactly right.

Oh, I love it so much. You got it exactly right, Jackie. I have never seen it before. It's just those, you imagine. She is not only, she's exercising in a leotard. but also in leggings underneath the leotard. Think of what her vagina is feeling. There's so much wedge.

There's so much up inside of her. Although the colors are pretty amazing. But can you imagine, could you put your leg up that high? Yeah, she looks great. And she still looks great. She still looks great. She has had tasteful work done, and she still looks great. You know what it is you can always tell?

It's the neck. I kept staring at her neck When you've got a tight neck In your 70s you've had work done Yeah I mean she has no giblets Yeah no giblets She looks great

She does look really good I mean well I've been My girlfriend's a huge Frankie and Johnny fan So it's always in the apartment When I'm puttsing around Doing my shit Well I wish it was Frankie Johnny

But it's Frankie Grace and Frankie Frankie and Frankie Frankie and John is Al Pacino Michelle Fifer Play turned into a movie Which is really good I have done many a monologue

From that show because she's a hardworking waitress and she's got to make a living to get through the day. Oh, that's your exact wheelhouse. Yeah. That's your type. Let's hear some more of it.

Johnny, you don't understand. I go to work every day and I get in there and they grab my pussy every day because I'm a waitress and that's what I deserve. Don't fuck with me, Daddy. Are you fucking serious? No, I just made that up.

Like that really could have gone either way. That sounds ridiculous, but I don't know enough about the show to refute that. All I remember is that she played a hardworking, like a waitress with a hard pass. Calls her man Daddy. I imagine that she did. I don't really remember. Although I do employ you to read Frankie. Lily Tomlin's one-woman shows

are pretty fucking amazing as well I did a bunch of monologues from them and it's all about like aliens and shit she's real fucking weird She is man she's great I heard her on Fresh Air NPR's podcast which I She is such I mean she's a dynamo

She's amazing exactly why I went into comedy In the first place I fucking love Lily Tomlin so much Yeah and Fresh Air The host of Fresh Air is like very like A little bit of like a straight We're all familiar with Fresh air. I don't know. I've never heard of it, but, you know, I live in a cloud.

I don't know. Take NPR. No, no, no. I'm not. Take NPR and then distill it into like a powerful absence. This is fresh air. I don't know. I'm Terry Gross. It's very, no, I'm not, I'm not saying it's, I have a little bit of a, of a reaction to the NPR. Yeah, but, so Terry, Terry Gross is like, so tell us about this one woman show. And she, like, it's like someone who takes themselves pretty seriously. And then Lily Tomlin who's just like, oh, whatever, I don't care.

It's like a blast to listen to her. Maybe I'll listen to about it. Because she just doesn't give a fuck. She's the best. She's just like she is in the show. I know. I love her so much. She's great.

It's a great show. It's a great show. I've seen a bit here and there. And what I've seen, I have tolerated. It is definitely not. Although it is weird to, like, get texts for my mother while she's watching it. mean like that would be great to have a vibrator like that for old women. I'm like, well, let's not.

How about we don't talk about it? Because like that's the whole thing in like the beginning of the third season with Jane Vano where it's like she gets arthritis because she was given her first vibrator and she can't use it so they make one for older women with arthritis. Wow. It's a great idea. And then my mom kept talking to me about vibrators and I don't want to hear about how weak her wrists are. Like I don't want to think about that at all.

Oh, Jackie. I can't even hold on to it anymore. Oh my God, I just wish they should have different settings and light up buttons. But that's what's so brilliant about the show is that it's like, oh, we're going to make you think about these 70-some-year-old women having sex. Fuck, yeah, man, they're having sex. Sure. You know, I love, I mean, they don't show any of the sex. That's the problem.

Yeah. Yeah, that is the problem. That's why I got to sandwich it with other shows. Ernie Hudson, yes, please. Oh, my God, yes, please. Is he dating one of the ladies? Yes. In season two.

And, yeah, and he is, yeah, he's, we've talked about this, I think last time we talked about Grace and Friends. Black Ghostbuster. And he is hotter than he was in the fucking Ghostbusters. Yeah, he's actually hotter in his 70s than ever before. I am so attracted to him. His arms. Yeah. He plays a yam farmer.

I see what you're saying. He was in Oz. You watched Oz? A little bit of it, yeah. So I was always like, oh, the prison warden, but he's very handsome. Jesus, those arms. I know those arms. You cannot tear at the arms.

I just want him. Like, I just imagine him holding me and, like, hurting me a little bit when he hugged me, but, like, it's okay. And then also pulling the yams and pulling the yams. He's a yam farmer. He is a yam. It's not a bigger speech. Oh, I bet you meant like he was pulling on your yams. I mean, he could be if he wanted me.

I can't make him any money, but I'll sure take it. You know what I mean? Well, on my yams. What's that word that some Italian New Yorkers say for... Capiche. No. Scunji. It always reminds me of yams, but it's not...

Gams. Yeah, I got good gams. Yeah, I had my gams out yesterday. I had shorts on. You know what? You got to put those gams away. Oh, they're not ready for the sun. My gams are not ready.

They are not ready for the sun. Oh, no one wants to see my gams. Get my gams read. Men are very self-conscious about their gams. Oh, yeah. No one wants to see a man's gams. I want to see a man's gams. I'm down with it.

Yeah, but then you think that, and I was walking behind someone, and Doug and I were walking, and it was, was a younger fellow and he had really, really short shorts on. And he had great thighs. He had great legs. But he was so hairy that he looked like he had pants on. And I looked at him and I was like, I looked overduck and I was like, I think that man's legs are too hairy for shorts, that short.

And then he looked at me and he's like, I thought his legs looked really good. So we were both staring at his legs. It was just a lot of thigh. I mean, obviously the man knows his legs draw attention. Oh, he knows. They were carpeted. And that's fine. I'm down with it.

It was just too sure. I mean, they were Daisy Dukes. I feel like that's become a trend now. Yes. The far above the knee pants for men. Far above. I mean, they were almost crotch. Yeah.

They were almost underpants. Yeah. I'd do about mid thigh. That's fine. Yeah, mid thigh, I think, is pretty good. I mean, honestly, whatever you want to wear is fine. But, you know, it's just, if you, if your legs are carpeted, you're going to get stairs. That's all I'm saying.

That is true. I've got some royal news. For you. Which one? Which one? Which one? I want to marry Harry. It's Harry news. And apparently, Megan Markle has made the guest list for the Pippa wedding.

Oh, ponytail? Remember that big fucking scrunchy she was wearing? And she's still caught? Yeah, she's that scrunchy girl. She's scrunchy. And so, wait, I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I was too busy thinking about the scrunchy. What did you say?

Pipple? Wait, they're going to... Pippa Middleton. And they're going together. She made the list. Interesting. Oh, to... what's her, Kate Middleton's sister.

Yeah. The hotter one. Sorry. Sorry. You know why she's hotter? She looks like she's more of the bad girl. She's the Prince Harry. Why didn't Harry marry Pippa?

I mean, I think that's incestuous at that point. No, two different siblings can marry people who are siblings. Wouldn't that be weird? I think it would be weird. I mean, I guess... It could be weird. There's probably examples of that happening. Oh, there's got to be many.

Many, yeah, yeah. Now, I'm going Kate over Pipp. Papa. You're on Kate over? I mean, she is definitely the class. Yeah. And Pippa is the trash. But you know, I love a trash can.

She's the trash leet. Yeah, she is. And that's okay. But she's getting married, huh? She's getting all sewn up. Yeah. That sucks. So up that badge.

Yep. She's getting all sewed up. She is married. Yep. Just zip, zip, zip, zip. Only the whole, just for the impression of her husband's penis. That's what happens

we get married, right, Molly? No other penis can fit inside of you anymore. They do a fitting. Yeah. It's like when you know, when you're a kid and you say you're going to keep a secret and then you just zip your lips and then throw in.

Yeah. That's what marriage vows do to your vagina. Yeah, she's marrying a dude named James Matthews. Oh, is it Dingle Hopper and Schmidt? He looks extremely British. I was going to say how British does he look? Very British. I mean, he is tall and handsome.

He's got a little bit of a horsey. He's a little horsey. He's got a little nay on him. He's a little bit of, maybe he needs like a little feed bag or something. Oh, he's a hedge fund manager. Of course he is. Illinois Jane checking in to condemn the hedge fund manager. No, get on it.

You kidding me? Yeah, no, marry a hedge fund manager. And he also went to the same school as Prince Harry and Prince William, the Eton College English Boys Independent Boarding School. Oh, my God. In Windsor England. Of course they did, but Prince Harry was bad and he fucks in a hot tub. All those boys must have deviant sexual behavior.

Yeah. If you go to a really, if you go to a repressive, like, you know, kind of formal type place for your formative pubescent years, you must have like a lot of like sexual energy. Oh, I just wish, I can't remember the name of it. It was like one school. It's like there was a few of them in the 80s, but she was a kid that was, I think she was in Paper Moon, Tatum, Tatum something?

Tatum O'Neill. Tatum O'Neill that was in a girls' boarding school movie that was just about how they all fucked each other and man, did I watch the shit out of that movie? Oh, it was called like Cutie Baby. We definitely talked about this movie. I know we've talked about it before, but I think about it, I think once every few years. And I'm just like, ooh, that movie, yummy, yum, yum, yum.

It was a yumber, I remember. Right? It was definitely a yumber. Because it would be playing on HBO and it's like, well, I'm like, oh, every while. Because, of course they did. Little darlings. Little darlings. It was right after her turn as Sarah Brown in International Velvet.

Oh, wow. Yes, and please. Little Darling's, that's right. The bet is on. Whoever loses her virginity first wins. I would watch that. It's really good. It's really fucking good.

Oh, and it's got Christy McNichol in it too. It's really, really good. And Armanda Sonte. Oh, a little bit of international spice. Oh, yeah. You put a little of a niece on it. Wait, are there boys there? Is this just like a great feminist sex service?

Matt Dillon is there. Matt Dillon is in it. So there are boys. like in the boys school that's close by but then you know it's like what i mean we got all these girls around we didn't say you know and then there's cynthia nixon too i know this it's a great movie wait miranda yes really oh yeah oh yeah but it is it is definitely an 80s movie that i don't think that they could probably really even make anymore about young teens about the two 15 year old girls were icing to lose their virginity probably not yeah probably has too bad of values for nowadays

Eh, but, you know, 13 reasons why. Have you watched 13 reasons why yet? No, and I've only heard of the hubbub. There's hubbub. There's a whole lot of hubbubs. I've got to bring it back to International Velvet for a little bit. Okay, please. What is that?

Yes, please. It's a horse movie for horse girls. No. There's the synopsis. Velvet's orphaned niece, Sarah follows her dream of Olympic glory with her horse Arizona pie. See, if you would ask me, I would have said Velvet was the horse. Yeah, where did the velvet come in? She's the velvet. She's the velvet. Her name is velvet. The horse is named Arizona

pie. Well, that's a bad name because it makes me think of Arizona iced tea and a bunch of apples and a cup. It makes me, never mind what it makes me think. What does it make you think of? Desert Pussy. Yeah, baby. It's arid at best. Oh, my yoga meets an Arizona Pai. It's got spikes on it like a cactus and it's arid at best. You know who else is in it? Anthony Hopkins. Oh, wow.

Of Legends of the Fall Fame. Anthony Hopkins is like, you know, I'll get one horse moving under my belt. Why not? Yeah, let's pray. Actually, Velvet is played. She's not,

Tatum O'Neill is actually Sarah Brown. Velvet Brown is played by Nanette Newman. Oh, good. Consonance. I think that consonant, is that she played? Ned Newman. No, I just meant all the end. Oh, I thought you meant

She played a character Name consonant And another Nennan Newman I think she died Oh, RIP RIP, Velvet Nennan Newman Also RIP

J Giles Oh, over Yeah, but you know what Just listen to some Bob Ziger Instead, you'll be happier anyway Oh no, listen to Jay Giles band live albums They're really fun All right, I'll do it

I will do that They're wonderful roof drinking music Because they'll get you going They're high energy but not too high energy. See, I've been on a real bad Bob Seeger kick lately. Not bad. I mean, it's all good.

But there's only so many times you can listen to the night moves in one day. And I haven't reached that limit yet, but I'm sure it's out there. Is Bob Seeger related to Pete Seeger? No. Pete Seeger is, yeah, the old folk singer. Bob Seger, that's just unrelated Seagers. Okay. Win on Night Moves.

Oh, it makes you think of Benny and June. It's slow. Mentally handicapped people having sex. She's mentally handicapped. just weird. Wait, no, I thought that he was, I thought he was mentally handicapped and she was just weird. No, I think maybe there are both a monocum amount of weird. I made the wrong thing of telling Doug that I found him attractive because he reminded me of Johnny Depp and Benny and June and then I made him watch the trailer. Oh. And he watched a trailer and he's like, do you think that I'm slow?

And I was like, no, he's very attractive in the movie and I could see you playing with rolls on forts in a diner. Playing with rolls on forks, that's a Charlie Chaplin thing. That's the thing. So Johnny Depp in the movie is upset. Like his character, his weird character that comes into town, is obsessed with Charlie Chaplin. So his, you, oh, Molly. I would love this movie.

Oh, Molly, Molly. I'm surprised you haven't seen this movie. Oh, Molly, you will. And it's just, he is, so he does all these, like, crazy, like, weird, like, you know, foppish tricks. So, like, physical tricks because he also is not a big talker and he's very shy. and so he pretends basically to be Charlie Chaplin. Take a look at the movie poster here. Oh, yeah.

And Mary Stewart-Masterson is kind of slow and has issues, and Aiden Quinn is her very protective older brother. And then they, I'm sorry, it's a spoiler alert, but they have sex and you get to listen to night moves. And I just remember in high school being like, God, I can't wait to have sex with someone that's been telling you to get it. It's a night move. All right, stop the list.

Who's on the list? Got to have that list. Celebrities who live in Hawaii. Uh-oh. Aloha. I think I know one. Aloha. Amukalakaliki.

Uh-oh. Jason Mamoa, bitches. Well, we already know that one. I know. He's number one. He's number one. I mean, he's from Hawaii. Have you seen all those pictures of him and Patrick Wilson on his Instagram because they're both in awkward?

a man together? No. Hmm. It's like a sandwich. I want to be the meat on. Who's Patrick Wilson again? He's sexy. He was in, I believe,

Family of the Opera. He was in both the Conjuring movies. And, yes, and he was in that weird movie with, what's her name, Kate? Kate Winslet. Kate Winslet. That weird, sexy movie. Little kids.

I don't know what it's called. I think it's called Little Kids. They have this relationship that's following the part. Actually, you're not that far off. It's little children. Little children. Little kids, colon, a sexy movie is it sexy? Yeah, I mean, the poster is them naked together.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh yeah. It's sexy, but then there's also a whole, like, pedophile backstory thing. Not to do with Patrick Wilson. Okay, good. No, don't worry about it. Oh, Jennifer Connolly's in a, too. There's all kinds of sexy people in this movie. Little children is pretty great.

And then there's the pedophile part. But everything else is really sexy. Is Jennifer Connolly sexy in it? Yeah, it's just relationships falling apart and people making mistakes in a suburban atmosphere. Sounds like my jam. Oh, man. I'm reading The Husband's Secret. I saw! I saw on your Instagram.

That was the first one. I read all of her books twice. I am going to read all of them. That's my whole summer. I've had the whole summer planned out. Are you totally loving it? Hooked. Now, what is this?

It's the same author that wrote Big Little Lod. lies. She has like nine books and I've read each one twice and the husband's secret was the first one that I read and it's sexy weird mystery. The husband has a secret. What is it? No, the whole thing.

So the whole thing, it opens up and it's like Cecilia Fitzpatrick has everything and like everything in her life is put together. She's got the kids, she's got the house, she's got the husband until she finds a letter when John Paul is on work travel. What does the letter say? Should I read it?

Should I not read it? The letter of the envelope, the sealed envelope, says, to my wife, Cecilia, upon the event of my death. Would you read it? I read it in a fucking second. Are you kidding? I wouldn't tell them anything about it. I'd immediately open it.

Yeah. Immediately. Yeah, you read it immediately. I wouldn't even, I wouldn't break it up. What if what you read changes your life? Your life. What if it changes all the life of everyone around you? I cannot wait to talk with you about this.

Can we start a separate podcast about it? We have about May and Fortiarty's books? Yes, we can. Anyway, who else lives in Hawaii? Oprah! Of course. She's got, she must have houses everywhere. Man, I would live in Hawaii if I was Oprah.

Julia Roberts, she's got a place in Hawaii on Kauai. Kawai. Good for her. Will Smith, he's got a place in Hawaii. The problem is apparently the people are not very kind to the celebrities living there. Really? Well, they want their Monahus and they want their Aluhus. Too many paps.

Yeah, they want their islands to be their islands. Well, not to put on my toilet hat here, but it isn't an island that has indigenous population that was invaded by, and now they invaded again by a bunch of white celebrities being like, if I'm a toilet flush. Let them have big houses. This is America, baby. Everybody, everybody who just listed has a place in Hawaii. They just swooping. Yeah, but they're all eating spam out there. Don't you realize what they have to endure?

Their island to just extrapolate what they will and then leave. I mean, yeah, I'll extrapolate whatever I can get my hands on. Drew Barrymore is just extrapolating all over the island. Imperialism. So is Stephen Tyler. Oh, my God, his lips. Share. Oh, talk about lips.

Cher can extrapolate what she wants. Right? She had such a hearting. Oh, Cher gets an extrapolation pass. Yes, because Cher is, yeah, she's gone through so much. She's going through so much. She's so good at Twitter, honestly. Oh, yeah?

Her tweets are, her politics are stellar, and her tweets are spectacular. So she's allowed to live in Hawaii. Yes, her tweets. And Jason Momoa because he's of their people. Well, anybody can live in Hawaii. I'm just saying people, like, you know, it would be like people coming. Toilet Flash. Even Roseanne.

Can Roseanne live in Hawaii? Oh, she's an almond farmer now. Roseanne's politics are deeply confusing She's a common farmer now That is true No one can quite put a bead on all Roseanne I cannot hang on to her if I wanted to Oh she's having fun

But what about Helen Hunt Oh my God Also been through so much twister When it hit that house She doesn't have been through you Pay it forward Pay it forward She had a man that read her mind

What women want Probably fucked her up for life I'd imagine so Helen Hunt has been through nothing She can't live there I mean as good as it gets She had that sick little boy Oh my god

And she had to have sex with Paul Riser And mad about you Yeah she's had the most She has been through a lot She's blandness As all the Helen Hunt has survived blandness But then Neil Young

What about Neil Young? He can live there It's better to burn out That is to fade away Truth We talking troops over here All right It's time from Blind Addo

No we can't see him Ooh, this one's juicy. The newborn child of that newborn, newborn, newborn, the newborn child, Newborn, the newborn, the newborn child of that closeted A-minus list actor and his beard have been shrouded in secrecy. His PR people are freaking out because the kid looks nothing like him. And it resembles a Middle Eastern businessman she slept with around the time the child was conceived. Jeremy Renner. No, but you're getting, he's more known for the dramatic roles. Damn, I really thought it was Jeremy Renner.

All my money was on that. He's always got a beard, though. I mean, but he's in that field. He's young? He's young, yeah, yeah. He's that age. He's the Ryan Gosling era. Okay, but he's got a beard, a beard literally, and a beard figuratively.

Literally and figuratively. Sonchick Gyllenhaal. No. But he does dramas. He does a lot of dramatic acting. But he's kind of a bigger dude. You know, he could do action if he wanted to, but I don't think he really has so far. Ryan Reynolds?

No. Oh, Ryan Reynolds has done plenty action. Yeah, you're right, he has. He's not just dramatic. A dramatic? Hit me with, wait, we need another one. Let's give you a, I'll give you a movie. Okay.

Silver Lion's Playbook. Oh, Bradley Cooper. That one, I mean, that kind of gives it. I didn't know that he was. He's in the blind eyes. I didn't know. This is the first, I haven't brought it up because this is the first juicy one that I've seen involved in him. But, yeah, it seems like.

How brown is that baby? I'm sorry, Molly. Baby's pretty brown. Yeah, baby's not looking much, Cooper. Whoa. See, Bradley Cooper, I'd leave my shoes under his bed. I didn't know what that means. That's what my mom says about Harrison Ford.

It means you'd fuck him secretly. That or no, I think it just means it like, oh, I'd be comfortable enough to take off my shoes that you wouldn't just fuck him with your shoes still on. Yeah, well, I'm assuming. I think there's that Shana Twain song. Boozebe, baby, boost me. None. I have no response. I guess when you have sex with someone,

you take off your shoes and you put them under the bed. Yeah, that's what I said. You fuck them and take your shoes off. That's what I mean. Because then it's not like a one-night stand where you leave on your helies to have sex. Yeah, but it sounds like you're still putting them under the bed. Oh, yeah, and you're still hiding. I guess you're right.

I never really thought about the phrase before. It sounds like, you know, your mom's secretly fucking Harrison. Oh my God, I wish. God, you'd loosen up. Yep, who's bed of your boots been under her? Who's hard to do still? I wonder this time, did it feel like Thunderbaby? That didn't answer anything.

No, it didn't, but I also, it was stellar when she performed it live. I'll bet. I would imagine so. Sequent dresses a plenty. Next up. Let's hear it. This A plus list movie actor is making. the umpteenth installment to one of his franchises.

Paranoia is on high. His trailer is bulletproof and bomb-proof, and he has a ring of dummy trailers surrounding his for further protection. Tom Cruise. Yes. Yeah. Damn, girl.

It's out. I wonder if he gets to hang out in all the dummy trailers. Yeah, does he switch every day? I would love that. Got to. If they're watching you, you got to confuse them. Man, he's so scared. Who is it he thinks?

thinks he's going to bomb him. Just anybody. Anybody. Yeah, I think he's just generally paranoid. I mean, there is talks that he is in contracts with a new woman, a new young woman. There have been talks. But remember, we did mention that one of them was up at the top of the list, but she ended up having a bit of a meth habit. Yes.

Well, you know. Yeah. When in Rome. I mean, it's 2017. When being forced to marry someone for a contract, get high. You have to meth. Yeah. Or do heroin.

At that point, you're going to have the money. for it, right? Yeah, I mean, do something. And then you can really just forget you live to forget and you take all the money at 33 when he leaves you. I mean, if it's just a few years. I would just eat weed brownies all day every day if I was being forced

to marry Tom Cruise. I wouldn't have the physical addiction but I would be out of it enough. Because you're also, you don't have to sleep in the same bed as he does, I am sure. Probably. Yeah, I guess the Scientology equivalent for marrying a Scientology woman. I

I guess I'd have to marry Kirstie Allie. Okay. Fat one or thin one? I mean, current. I don't know what she is right now. She's somewhere in between. Oh, good for her. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I guess I'd stay drunk most of the time. That's really what it is. I'd take up smoking again, definitely. Oh, yeah, yeah, because Lenny, you need an excuse to get outside. Uh-huh. Yeah, any coerced marriage, you're going to want to have some substances. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you've got to get through it. Well, this last one's juicy, juicy.

How juicy. Rout row! Uh-oh. That's how juicy it is. It starts with a rut row. Scooby-Doo? Is it Matthew Lillard? Late last week, this A-list singer, but more concerned with how much money she can make on her television show,

busted her A-list boyfriend, Cheaton. J-Lo? No, no, no. Is it a voice person? I think she's on the voice. Christine Aguilera? No, no. Oh, Alicia Keys.

No, no. No, no, no. So she's not on the voice. No. Maybe she's not on the voice. Maybe he's, he's on the voice. Blake Shelton. Yes.

Oh, she is on the voice right now. Gwen Stefani. She caught him. No. Caught him cheating. He's just a drunk. I was going to say, what do you expect? Sorry.

That dude just does, that's all he does. He gets drunk and sleeps with people. I mean, when in Rome. Yeah, that's truly a wedding room. I keep saying that. I don't know. I don't think you understand. understand what win and road means.

Oh, yeah, man. Win and Rome, you gotta have sex. That means. Winning Rome, you must have sex. Right, a little bit supersad. Oh, yeah. Noki. Who's the Njoki?

Win and Rove. Newkoki. That's all we have time for on today's page 7.m. Thank you very much for listening. We will be back next week. Walking on. Broken on. Broken.

Hell yeah. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyadio.com.