Episode 200: Take Me to the Archipelago
00:00Almost cut my hairHappened just the other dayIt's getting kind of longI could say it was in my wayBut I did itAnd I want to whatI see I'm letting my freak on someoneMan, I've been in a CSNY mood
00:31Because I came home todayAnd the love of my life has sheared himselfOh, he sheared himself?He cut off all of his hair.And that was a lot of hair.And he didn't tell me.Ooh, I did that before, and ladies do not like that when they have a long-haired man.I love a long-haired man.
00:53I love his hair, and he cut it all off.And so I've just been playing that song and repeat and glaring at him.It's like a year or so, and he can get it back.No, that was year.Years of work.That was years, yeah.He had long-ass hair.Mm-hmm.
01:13I just feel like you guys would really understand.Did he take a, like, what scene in a movie am I thinking of where he just takes, like, stands alone, staring into the mirror and takes a buzzer to his own head?Or did he get it done by somebody else?You're thinking of roll tenon bombs.Thank you.Yes.I wish he had done that.But no, he went to the barber that we've been making fun of for years because there's a stand, there's a cutout of a man with a really tiny head.
01:37in the front window of it.So he went thereand turns out that guywas in Donnie Brasco.So all they talked aboutwas that this guywas the barber in Donnie Brasco.How many times a day
01:50does that guy talk about that?All they talk about is Donny Brasco.There are stills of Donny Brascoall over the barber shop.That is such a specificallyNew York thing.Oh my God, he was so proud.Yeah.
02:02So proud that he was the barberand Donnie Brasco.So how does Doug's head look now?Is it proportion?It's not as small.It's so small.And so I just keep blaring the CSNY, baby.That's what it's there for.
02:19You got to let your freak flag fly, man.Hey, I'm on my way back to it to some long hair.I want to be, I'm going Janus Joplin with it.I'm doing the whole thing.I'm never cutting it again.That's not true.I'll cut it in some way.That's a hell of a protest.
02:34Yeah, I was very upset.And I just, you know, I kept yelling about,freak flags and, you know, it was a rough 30 minutes.Well, a famous singer did just die, although you may not know that he was a famous singerand you may not know that he sang a particular song.Cuba Gooding Senior.What did he sing?Seabird?
02:59It wasn't Seabird.Here, let me give you a...Was it that song from Tommy McGuire?Jerry McGuire.Let me give you a little bitI didn't knowThere's no exception toWhoa
03:12Listen babyfactualMaybe everybody plays a foolEverybody plays a foolI didn't know that was himWell, he was in a band called Main IngredientOoh, it's such a good nameYeah, that's a great
03:28I didn't know who sang that songNobody knows who sang that songIt's a great songIt's a wonderful songCuba Gooding SeniorHas anyone checked in on Cuba Gooding Jr.How's he doing?I guess he's doing okay
03:39His father was 72 years oldHe was found slumped over the wheelOf a silver jaguarCoolWas the car moving?The car was not movingalthough in the backseat they did find drug paraphernalia and several bottles of alcohol.Well, listen, when I die, they're going to find drug paraphernalia alcohol nearby.
03:56Especially in your silver jaguar.Yeah, let he who has not been drunken on drugs cast the first.But also at the same time, what kind of drug paraphernalia?Does that mean, like you smoking weed?At the same time, at that point in life, do whatever you want.I think it's like a Miss Sunshine kind of thing, you know?Yeah.You can start doing heroin.
04:16Sure.Whatever makes you feel good.Yeah, they don't say exactly what the drug paraphernalia was.Could be a pipe.Could be a crack pipe.Could be a regular pipe.Could be a heroin needle.I mean, he was in a jack-war.
04:27Could be a mess pipe.I think 80 should be the, you should wait until you're 80 to start doing heroin.Because it really might cut you off.I mean, that's a tough one, you know.55.55.Well, that's, you're, if you even make it to 55 at that point, you're exceeding your own expectation.I know.
04:44I mean, before I use a 50, I'm out.Yeah.But now I'm excited.sending it because I'm getting older.So 55 is when I'll start doing heroin.I guess that's right.Just can't wait to hear you say, ah, 90.You're going to know me long enough to it.
04:57I'll keep pushing it off.Keep pushing it on.I was like, ah, 95.That would be fine.Yeah, I guess it should go by your own individual life expectancy.And you can start, like, I don't know,one to five years before you expect that you're going to...I mean, plenty of people manage their heroin use just fine.
05:14But I just feel like...Whoa.I mean, we don't want to offend our heroin users out.True.But, you know, I'm just saying that 72, you might have a good 15 years of heroin addiction ahead of you.I don't know, though.I did spend my 420 watching a heroin addiction documentary on HBO to make myself feel better.And then all it did was make me dryheave because I don't like to watch people shoot up.
05:39Wait, feel better about what?Myself.And what I do to myself was like, well, at least I'm not doing heroin into my eyeballs.and into the between my toes.At least I've got that.So it did make me feel better about myself.It made me feel very, very badly because everyone in it died.Yeah.
06:00Because they're doing heroin.I know, but like a lot of them are like, oh, I've been like, I've been clean for three years.I got my kids.It's like it was all about in Cape Cod that like the downside of Cape Cod and how they have a horrible heroin addiction problems.Cape Cod.Yeah.That's the thing.It's the people that live in Cape Cod, like the townies.
06:19Yeah, that's like there was a New York Times story about the Hamptons, the people who work in the Hamptons last summer.And it was just as bad as you'd imagine.Thank you.I'm going to go ahead and say pass.I'd rather pass.Although.I am interested in being somebody who gets fucked up in the Hamptons.Yes, of course.
06:38Just not as a working class person.I don't know.Do you really want to be in the Hamptons?Go to Cabo.I'm just telling you, you guys haven't.You haven't watched the show Revenge, and once you see revenge, you are going to want to live in the Hamptons forever.Although I have been watching Feud.I've been waiting for many episodes to come out because I knew that I was going to want to binge it, so I waited, I waited.
07:01How is it?Oh, my God.It's good?Oh, my God.It's so fucking good.Oh, yay.I need a new thing.Now that I finished Paradise Lost, all three, I need a new thing.
07:11You need this in your life.They are Jessica Lang and Susan Stranding are so good.good at portraying.You have amazing actresses, portraying amazing actresses.And then I started, of course, as I'm watching it, looking into, like, what was realand what wasn't.And some things are a little exaggerated.They said on set that they weren't as overt as they were.
07:32However, everything that they did really fucking happened, and they're so manipulative.Everything they would.They pull pranks on each other?No.It's just the manipulation of two huge star women that are doing, like,It's like they had to do whatever happened to Baby Jane for their careers.They knew that they had to do it.And so Joan Crawford went to Betty Davis and was like, we hate each other.
07:57But think of us doing this horror suspense movie where we hate each other in a movie together.It will be amazing.So they like just swallowed up everything.And so the whole thing is about the entire movie and then after the movie.I mean, you watch us, I learned so many things.and they're so good at it.It's so good.It's so good.
08:19They're right.Okay.And then next season,because every season is going to be a different feud,is...What a great idea.Is Prince Charles and Princess Die?What a great idea.
08:31Interesting.Feud, huh?I know.Like, what is the dirt that they are...That they're going to make this out of.Is it in the format of like an unsolved mysterywhere there's a narrator and they tell you what happened?It's like a people versus OJ type thing, right?
08:47Yeah, it's just straight up in it.It's so good.How many episodes?There are 10.Oh, wow.There are 10, one hour long episodes.And how do I watch it?It is on FX.
08:59FX, yeah.Okay.So I had to get someone to give me a login so that I could get into it so that I could watch it.Because I've been stealing somebody's Hulu and I feel like I need to, I feel a little bit self-conscious about what I'mwatching.Well, because they can see.Yeah.Oh, yeah.
09:17Yeah.All those project runways.And so I feel like, uh, the person who's giving me their Hulu is very generous, but Iwill be fine with it if I watch 10 feuds.But if it's on FX, I can figure out how I get.Yeah, it's completely different.You've got all the cable.I know.
09:34I know.You got it up in there.Well, I have choice of anxiety from what to watch, you know.This is why I just watch all the things.I do watch the things you tell me.You think I don't listen to you, but I do.And he did just do Paradise Lawson, I'm very proud of you.Yes, extremely proud of you for that one.
09:49It was my entire week since we last spoke.Well, it's right up your alley.It was exactly my alley.But, yeah, but then I, as I have discussed many times on the show,when I finish something, I hate it, and then I don't finish it,and then I get overwhelmed with what to do next, and then I just watch Law & Order SVU.So I need somebody to tell me what to do next.Watch feud.
10:09Okay.You will love it.Thank you.You will love it.I think I'm going to watch it as well.You, I really think, I mean, I, it's, I was watching it by myself.And Doug came in and you watched like 10 minutes of it.And I was about to shut it off because, you know, I don't want him, you know, talking through my shit.
10:25And he's like, no, no, no, leave it on.I was like, oh.That's how I was with big little lies.I was like, I just need to be alone.Let me watch this.Everyone get out of the room.And then both my brother and my husband were like, well, I'll just check it out.And then, like, 45 minutes later, they were like, what's the next one?
10:39And it was very satisfying.Sucked in.I started watching the new season of Fargo.Oh, how is it?It's pretty good.Is it the third season?Yeah, yeah.Just came out last week.
10:49Ewan McGregor plays two roles.What was that?Yeah, what was?Was that like a good choke on your jizzie or a bad jizzy choke?I was just thinking of him as like, oh, is it the girl?I am a candelabra.I am six.And I know he can play other things.
11:12I just keep thinking of him as Lumiere and it's hard.He's Lumier and the new one?Yeah, but he got overdubbed a lotbecause his French accent is so fucking horrible.I still haven't seen the new beauty and the beast.You know why I haven't seen it?This is a terrible thing to say?It's two and a half hours long.
11:28Yeah.Two and a half hours.Well, it's two hours and 19 minutes long and I round up.It's too long for me to sit in a movie theater for it.Well, how long is the original?Not that long.Yeah, I bet not.It's a kid's movie.
11:40Yeah, I mean, no one.We wouldn't have sat through it.Yeah, but is this new one supposed to be for kidsor is it supposed to be for us and be like, ooh, our childhood?I think it's supposed to be for us.Yeah.Because I think that, like, parts of it are a little bit scarier.But when we were going to go see it the other day, instead,
11:54we saw Muppets take Manhattan in the movie theaters.Why was that in the movie theater?Because they were just doing, like, a one-off special.Like, come see Muppets in Manhattan.Come, Muppets take Manhattan.It was, like, 1 p.m.Hell yeah.Oh, yeah.
12:05New York City, there's, like, three or four theatersthat show old movies all the time.Really?Awesome.Yeah, yeah, yeah.You just got to go check it out online.It was so good.The original beauty in the beast isn't even an hour and a half.
12:17Exactly.Yeah.What kind of filler?What did they put in it?It's like, I don't need to see it.And you know I was really excited to see it.And I do want to see it.I'm going to watch it on my TV so I can take breaks and have cigarettes and make jizzies.
12:30Yeah, I was going to say being drunk and or additionally more than drunk is probably going to be important.And I'm not even saying I know that it's really good.And I do want to see it.I just can't really.watch Emma Watson like stare off, which I imagine there's a lot of that.Yeah.You know, because I don't think it's all just, what's his name?Elihoof.
12:50The gay one.His name is, the gay one's named Elieuf.No, I just made that up.The gay one.Molly.Everyone was upset.There's a gay one.The one that's Gaston's lackey is me.
13:02Is the actor gay or the character is gay?They made this big thing.They made him gay.Yeah, yeah.The character is gay, has like a crush on Gaston.He's also gay and real life, though.And then at the end, he, like, dances with a dude.And then people went all weird about it.
13:20What about Smee?Smee ate all of Captain Hook's food before he ate it.You think Smee was Captain Hook's life partner?Yes.You know, there has been quite a bit of speculation hereas to Captain Hook and Smee's relationship.I mean, Captain Hook is a bit of a dandy.There's no question about that.
13:36Oh, yeah.I guess I had never thought about him in Smee's relationship,but they probably share a room.You know?And think of Bob Hoskins and Dustin Hoffman in a relationship.I'm thinking hook.You know, it's like, I think that they would make a great relationship.I think they would be among the most adorable couples to ever exist.
13:53Yeah.Yeah, and they're really compassionate towards one another.Yeah.No, I actually never thought of it, but I agree.But this is the thing, right?This is the thing that now that people,now that they're going back to all of our childhood films and remaking them,They can make them as gay as they always kind of were.
14:11I think that the consensus is that gay people are like,there's all sorts of super gay subplots to all of these movies.They've just always been a little bit hidden.This is from a 2004 interview with Dustin Hoffman.He said, Bob Hoskins and I were rehearsing,and suddenly we looked at each other and realized it at the same time.We said, these guys are gay.That's great.
14:32That's fantastic.And it was fun.Suddenly we rehearsed it that way.Get over here.Miss me, give me a foot massage.I love that.So much.See, and this is, I saw some, I don't even know what I saw, of like a bunch of gay people
14:46going through all of the Disney movies and being like, this thing is a gay thing,these characters are gay, this is like a coded thing to, like, signal to gay people thatthis is gay.Oh, yeah.Flounder and Sebastian.Oh, yeah.Where did those claws go on those fins?So if anything, they should just, if they're going to read them.
15:06I just made that up, but I don't think it's a thing.Where did those claws go on those beds?If they're going to remake all of these Disney movies,the least they can do is make them 250% gayer.I'm down.Yeah.I'm fine with it.I don't give a shit.
15:27I love it, actually.Just not two hours and 19 minutes of it.Yeah, don't add an entire 60 minutes of gayness.Too much of it.Because nobody needs to.that additional 60 minutes.There's another death this week.Oh, yeah?
15:40Aaron Moran.Joni from Joni and Chachi.I never got into that.Does that Scott Bayo?Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.But there was also, she was in happy days?Happy days.Okay.
15:51No way, was it Joni and Chachi, or was she just in happy days?I don't know.I don't know those shows.I think she was just in happy days.I just watched Cheers.You guys never watched Happy Days?No.I didn't watch Happy Days.
16:01I watched everything on Nick at night,but for some reason I never watched Happy Day.I watched Happy Days every day after school.Oh, really?Hell yeah. No, I never got it.I was, we're more, I think it's like thatexplains the two-year differenceor three-year difference between all of us.
16:15That it's like I watched Full Houseand Seventh Heaven after school every day.But that's just what was on syndication.Yeah, saved by the Bell and Full House.Oh, this is, so this is a little bit of a leap.But so I was thinking about other Nick at Night shows.I watched The Honeymooners, Bob Newhart,and Happy Days was on Nick and Night.
16:29And I loved all in the family.I mean, that's one of my favorite shows.But you guys will maybe appreciate this.I was in a regular normal conversation with friendsrecently and I was trying to sayEdward Norton and I don't know what we weretalking about but I was trying to say Edward Nortonand instead my brain kept
16:44saying Bob Newhart and Ican't I still can't stop laughingabout the idea ofreplacing Bob Newhartand all of Edward Norton's rolesand replacing Edward Norton and allBob Newhart's rolls that's kind offun I would watch
17:00that for sureyeah Bob Newhart and Fight ClubBob Newhart and American History X.Oh, that would be a fun one.Bob Newhart and Primal Fear.Yeah, and then Ed Norton just being like a super brooding,is he a psychiatrist in Newhart?Whatever the regular Bob Newhart show is.
17:20I never watched Newhart.Yeah, I haven't watched this.I was like 10, but so now I'm totally obsessed with the ideathat they need to be, we need to do it.That'll be our remake.We'll remake Fight Club with Bob Newhart.I don't know if we can anymoreWell, we'll figure something out
17:36We'll do that CGI thingLike how they haveThe miragesWhat's it called?HologramsThey have those people who are deadIn the moviesBob Newhart's still alive
17:44What?Yikes, edit that outSorry, Bob MuirI'm sure Bob Newhart's a big fanof the showAlso, I'm sure thatBob Newhart isn't surprisedto hear that some people
17:58assume he's deadI would assume he said yeah8787 years oldI was like, what happened in 1987?In my defense, I was watching, I was watching Bob Newart when I was about 10 years oldand it was already an old show on Nick and Knight and he was already what I thought was an old man at the time.Oh, he's been old forever.
18:19Same with Milton Burrell.We were watching a bunch of Milton Burrell stuff.He's been, like, Milton Merle was old for so long.Yeah.And you know, he's just one of those guys.Yeah.They're just old people forever.Yeah, well, I mean, they're guys that got famous and they were like 55, 6.
18:33Yeah, and so you just always assume that they're old and that they're dead by now, which I think is safe to assume.Milton Burl is dead.He's definitely dead.How long has he been dead?He's dead.Oh, that's a long time.Yeah, he's dead.But he died old.
18:52He was old.Yeah, he was very old.He was in his 90s or something.Yeah, he was born in 1908.Jesus.Hell, yeah.Go for him.Go for him.
19:01Go for him.You know, good for who else, Julia Roberts?Most beautiful fucking person again and again and again and again.She hasn't even done anything.Yeah.I don't even understand why she was put on the list.Also, have we all gotten used to her beauty?We just weren't talking about it.
19:16I still think she used to be gorgeous.And she's still looking great.But she has no, she's not doing anything right now.What is she doing?Actually, she was in, I was on an airplane going to Denver.Hello, Denver.Thank you very much for listening to Page 7.Hell, yeah.
19:31A lot of very nice friends out there.Saw a girl had a That's My Name t-shirt on.Fuck yeah.Ben forgot to send that picture to you, didn't he?Actually, I did get the picture, and I said,she's so beautiful and she's so small, I could crush her.She was beautiful, and she was small.That's how Jesse.
19:50That's how Jackie expresses her bond is for people.You know, it's like something's too cute.I just want to crush her.Die.She was in a movie called Money Monster that just came.came out.Oh, good.Because I was on a plane and someone was watching it in front of me.
20:05I was like, there's Julia Roberts.It's a George Clooney movies.George Clooney and Julia Roberts.She's added again.That is not a qualification for being, like, I saw it on a plane when someone in front of mewas watching it.So now she's the most beautiful person on, you know, I feel like that's the exact levelthat America is at right now.
20:22I saw somebody in front of me on a plane watching her in a movie.Oh, yeah, her.Yeah.Oh, yeah.Remember her?Yeah, no, she is still beautiful.She still looks great.But she's also won it multiple times.
20:31So I feel like at this point, give it to somebody else.Well, she's also, I mean, don't tell her short.She's also playing Smurf Willow in the new Smurfs movie.You're right.I take back what I said.I take it back.I'm sorry.Smurf Willow.
20:47This is a little off topic.But someone else that's beautiful who I hate right now, so I feel like it is on topic,is that I found out that Amber Hurd is dating Elon Musk.and that pisses me offWhich one do you have something against?Amber HeardIt's not that I have anything against herIt's that I want to date Elon Musk
21:08Wait I want to be with Elon MuskElon Musk the guy thatTeslaSpaceXHyperloopThe science manThe science manHe is the man that knows Maltz
21:20He is so scaryHe is I think that heI think that he's from the futureAnd I think that he's come backIs he attractive?No, not at all.No.But I think that his ideas of him that I, but I also put into my mind that he is from the future and came back where robots took over and killed civilization.
21:39That I think that he came back with his technology to stop the robots from doing that.So in my head, I find Elon Musk very attractive.He's not the worst.He's not the worst.He's just a weird looking guy.Yes, and he's South African.So you know he's got a really sexy accent.But he's also really big.
21:58to like giving people tours of SpaceX and Tesla and stuff like that.He's very hands-on.I would have a hard time dating a South African because I would be obsessing about how to imitate their accent at every turn.I'm sure you would try at least a few times.Elon Musk, it's a weird accent.I can't listen to a South African person because I...I'm Elon Musk. I'm here to do to SpaceX.I don't think that's...
22:21No, it's close.It's called.Follow me. I'm here to do the SpaceX.Do Hannes-Degg.It's like, I cannot...I cannot pay attention to what a South Africa person is saying because I'm just like, what is it?It's different.You say every word differently.
22:36Yeah, but when they speak in their language, I don't know what it's called.I'm going to say something that it's probably going to be racist.Dutch.Is it Dutch?Yeah.No.Afrikaner.Afrikaner.
22:46I was going to say Afrikan.Afrikan.Yeah.Afrikan, yeah.I had a friend that was South African, so she spoke to her family in Afrikan, and it was just like, what?What is that?That language is super radical.Oh my God.
23:03Wait, and who's Amber heard?Johnny Depp's ex-wife.The one that got into the...Johnny Depp...Yeah, got into the domestic dispute with Johnny Depp.I knew I knew that name.But also what I didn't know about Elon Muskbecause I was looking into him
23:17because then I went down to Elon Musk holeis that...He's got five children.He's got five children.Really?At least the legacy lives on.Oh, but don't you know they suck?Of course they do.
23:30But he's such a cool dude.I'm not certain Elon Musk doesn't suck, though.I think that he doesn't.I think he's pretty great.He won't let the government get in.He won't accept any government, like, finances.Okay.But I know that he's got these other, you know, weird things, but it's all to get us to Mars and Hyperloop.
23:50Yeah.I mean, he also, like, I mean, he was the product architect of Tesla.Oh, yeah.The electric car.All right.I support Tesla.And he's also trying to take us to space.SpaceX.
24:01He wants to colonize Mars.The CEO of Neurrelink, the co-founder and chairman of Solar City, the co-chairman of OpenAI,co-founder of Zip2 and founder of X.com.And he's against robots.He's against robots because he thinks that they will, like, very quickly overtake us.And rank 21st on the Forbes list of the world's most powerful people and 80th, wealthiestperson in the world.So why not date?
24:27I mean, my boyfriend cut off his hair, so maybe I'm free range.Maybe I'm down, I'm going for Tesla.Solar City really reminds me of Job's Interest Development Fuck Mountain.Penny's from heaven.You're in Solar City.No, I just, like, I was upset about it because the way they revealed their relationship was her, like, sexy and kind of draped on him, and she had this big red lipstick on, and there was a big red lipstick.on his cheek.It's like, all right.
25:00And someone's like, she's getting cheekywith her Instagram.Ugh.What she actually put the,her caption was cheeky.I don't like cheeky.Yeah, I don't like cheeky.I don't like it.
25:12Yeah.She's just jealous.I know, and I'm just jealous.I'm allowed to be jealous.Yeah, I mean, there's not much of it.I mean, she's 31.He's 45.That's perfectly reasonable.
25:22Oh, yeah, and she's hot to trot.Oh, yeah.She is hot to trot here.Especially now.Man, now I need to research Elon Musk.He's one of these guys I keep hearing people talk about him, and I keep not knowing about it.You need to know about him.He seems like one of the good ones.
25:37Okay.I think he is one of the good ones.Good Richies?One of the good riches, yeah.I don't like to trust Richies.I know.I know you have an unborn-de-mistrust of the riches.Not all richies or bad richies.
25:48Not all rich.Some richies are Richie Richie Riches.No.No.He's a child with too much money.Well, he brought his first.friends in.Yeah, and that was kind of nice.
25:59See, I was always weird.Were we talking about this on here?You shared the wealth.I was more a blank check than I was a richy rich.I was more of a blank check than a richy rich as well.You know, I just, I was more of a Dennis the Meadows.Whoa.Well, yeah, I mean, I'm with you there.
26:12If we're talking about 90s kids, like little boy movies.But you're not, wait, you're talking about the 90s movie with Walter Mathau?Yeah.I looked exactly like that trial if I had to like it.Christopher Lloyd was in it.He was great.Remember the scene where he had to eat all the beans and he was farting a wholelunch?
26:27No, you know how I feel about fart jokes.You know how I feel about it.And I think that's specifically why I don't like that movie.God, oh, you're too, what he's?Yeah, because they're sitting by the campfire and this is like, you got to eat your beans.And he's sitting in front of a campfire and he's got a big belly because he's eating so many beans.And he's got beans all over his face and his stupid.stomach and his fucking shirts all stained with bean juice.
27:00Throw up my jizzies!Then he barts into the campfire and it creates a big flame.God, I hate that.Oh, I hate, I hate flatulence humor.Dispise it.I feel like if I knew about this about you, I must have blocked it out because I'm really,I must have just not.Because you and Marcus love your, your flatulence humor.
27:25See, I like you too much to have even stored that fact in my brain.I don't understand how you can't like a fart joke.I'm down with a poop joke.Really?Yeah.It's like, oh, I went into the barber and he's shit all over my chest,but I asked for number one all over.And you don't like a fart joke?
27:43Yeah, I don't like fart jokes.I really get upset by them.I've had to stop myself as a teacherbecause sometimes I'll tell the kids to stop laughing about fartsand then I realize I'm being hypocritical.You know, it's just, I don't know why.I don't know what it is about it.I think it's the word.
27:57Is Henry like this, too?You?Oh!I hate it.I hate it.Yeah.I hate that, Jackie.No, more farts.
28:10Weren't you ever like in a...I hate this so much.Were you ever a child in a quiet room with another person like your brother Henry and trying to make each other laugh by making fart noises?No.No. Not with our.butts and not with our mouths.The most we did, we were...I'm with your hands.
28:32No, oh, I don't like the...I don't like any of it.I'd rather you do, like, the dove, like,ooh, I don't know how to do it.That's dry hands, and you need some lotion.I know that I am not...I don't agree with everyone on this,and I understand.
28:52And I do understand the hilarity of the sound.It's one of my favorite at-home activities.How loud can I make the fart?Yeah.I can't do it.Amplifying it, different surfaces.Yeah, I laugh every time I hear somebody fart.Which is why I had to stop yelling at the children because I was like, you know what?
29:10I can't tell you not to laugh.You know what it is?I think I'm just not that big of a farty person.I burp all the time.You're more of a shitter and a burr.See, this, I remember this conversation.Yes.I burp.
29:22See, I don't like a burp joke.Ew.Stop.See, that makes me want a puke.Ew.No, no.No.We were talking about that the other day because someone was like,
29:35I don't know how to make myself burp.I was like, everybody knows how to make themselves burp.Ew, but thinking about it, because I think the reason I hate is because I remember being a kid,being like, okay, I'll let, blah, and then like actually going too far.Too far.You know, everybody has a body.Good point, Jackie.Thank you.
29:56Everybody has a body.Thank you.I should be a health teacher.I hate it.Hand in the armpit, not even a hand in the arpid?No, I don't like that either.I don't like any of it.I don't like farts.
30:13I don't like whoopee cushions.So I'm guessing you don't want to hear any morefrom this YouTube compilation 99 different farts.You know what?You would be right.You're going to play one more, though, aren't you?I can see it in your eyes.You know what it is?
30:27It just makes me think we talked about this on roundtable,and it's like things like this when like,when we were all really, really hungoverafter we were all like partying after somethingand Holden let rip a heart that was so,like it sounded like he's shit in his pants.Like it was so wet and it was so loudand it was so disgusting.
30:49And his fiance said,baby, you need a wipe?In all seriousness.Seriously.Just like, and caring and like love.Just like, baby, you need a wife?Okay, that's actually, that just took it one step too far.I wouldn't, I wouldn't touch him for a while.
31:05I mean, I get it, but just like, that's like, hey, you don't care there?Like, just, like, don't, just...Baby, you need a wife?And that, I just remember I was so hungover and I was still drunk and we were like in the blazing hot sun,and I almost threw up all over the sidewalks.Because it's, it was so casual to make it seem like it was a very regular thing.Like, it was a...Yeah.
31:27I laugh hardest when I'm hungover.Like, that's the only good thing about being hung overis that suddenly everything is funny, right?Especially if you're hung over with a bunch of peoplewho are also as hungover as you.Yes.So everything you were describing, hold and farting,it sounded like a perfect recipe for humor.
31:43I mean, I laughed very, very, very, very, very hard,but to the point that I almost threw up on the side room,it was 95 degrees outside and it was 7.30 in the morning, you know?Yeah, the do you need a white part really takes it into it.So, we're tough.It's one of my favorite stories.That is the time that farting was funnybecause it was so, I abhorred it so much.
32:06Uphard it.Uphorid it?Have you been watching Master Chef Junior, Molly?No, everybody keeps telling me that this little girl looks just like me.Don't believe them.No?She does look like you, but she doesn't sound like you.Oh, good.
32:21You know what it is?Is that like she does on paper, she does look like you,but she is not you and I don't want you to watch a show of methink this is me because it's not you.Is she a little bit?Because she talks like that.Okay.And it's very obnoxious.
32:34That was a side note.I tend not to watch Master Chef Jr.Because I'm afraid that Gordon Ramsey will yell at the children.He does and he's only encouraging and he's wonderful.Oh, good.Okay.Then I'll watch.I'll have sex alone.
32:46Oh, Elton John's sick.Don't.He had to cancel like a bunch of shows in Las Vegas.Don't.Don't. Don't.Don't.He is on my list.I have.
32:56To see him before he dies.He's expected to make a full recovery.Bacterial infection.Okay.Underwent treatment.Of what?I don't know.Platter.
33:07Petus.Was it his penis?I have to see him before he dies, or I will flip the fuck out.Yeah.I have to see him.They're just so expensive.The tickets are so goddamn expensive.Yeah, they're like $2,300?
33:22Easily.Easily, easily, easily.I don't want to go see you by myself.Are they more expensive in New York City?Could you, like, go to Florida?I guess, but what do I want to go?Like, be with a bunch of dying people while I see it.I know.
33:37I want to go sing.I want to wear a boa.Oh, my God.Captain Fantastic.Oh, but there's people in Florida who've got boas.Oh, yeah, they got some boas.Too hot for boas, though that's wrong.They got the sunglasses.
33:53Don't you worry about that.Amanda Binds is back.What's she doing?She posted a picture for the first time, I think, since February on Instagram.But I don't, maybe she's, I don't know, it doesn't look like her.They were like, oh, this is Amanda Bines.I don't know.She was like, stopping to spell those flowers on Sunday.
34:14And she's been MIA for a really long time.It was a twit pick.Oh, it was a twit pick.And it doesn't look like her.It doesn't look like her.Wow, that doesn't look anything like her.And even like, I zoomed.And I was just like, it didn't.
34:26It doesn't even look like the shape of her face.And like maybe she's, you know, she's on some medication that's making her bloated or maybe she's doing something.But I just, I don't know if it's her.I don't believe it.Yeah, that might be some medication blow.Yeah, she's bipolar.Yes.So she's probably on quite a few medications.
34:47But it's like, it's weird because I feel like her smile doesn't even look the same.Like her eyes don't look the same.That stuff can weird you out.Yeah, I guess that's what it is.Yeah.Trust me.I know.But you've never been, you've never gone Joker face.
35:01You've never been to that before.But it can do some weird shit.Yeah, I know that it can.That's why, I mean, I'm hoping she's taking care of herself.But still, it was weird.It was just like, I mean, this is, I mean, I don't think she would lie about it.Well, you know, maybe they, maybe Nickelodeon always had kind of an abandoned, AmandaByn's lookalike sitting in the, in the shed in the back, you know, they just let her out.
35:20Nickelodeon shows.Nickelodeon's got sheds.Oh, they got sheds.Sheds full of child actors.just waiting.And doing other things that they don't want to do.Oh, no.Apparently in February, there was rumors that she was pregnant,
35:37engaged in using a secret Twitter account under the pseudonym Ashley Banks.And then she came out and was like, I'm not doing that and I'm not doing this shit anymore.And then she was like, smelling the flowers on a Sunday months later.So, I mean, you know, I hope she's taking care of herself.Also, those flowers are indoors.Stop and to spell the flowers indoors is not the same thing as stopping to smell.See a cherry blossom.Yeah, she's using like the lobby of a fancy hotel.
36:01Yeah.You can't stop and smell the flowers in a lobby of a fancy hotel.Yeah, you're already doing something nice.Stopping and smelling the flowers means like you're on your way to something and then you see some flowers.You know, maybe she's working hard or hardly work.I don't know what she's doing.All right.All right.
36:15It's on the list.Bar guests.Gotta have that list.Celebrities who own private islands.J.M.B.Go.
36:26Johnny Depp on his private island.Of course he does.Amanda heard much.He owns a 45-acre tropical island called Little Hawes Pondke.Does he ever go there?I doubt it.He's mostly doing meth in France.And he should do it.
36:44You don't let him do it.He's never going to make another good movie again.Would you rather have a mansion on a non-private island or a private island?Without the mansion?Well, I guess I meanDoes the idea of an entirely private islandSound appealing to you?No, because I would be, I feel like it would end up being like
37:03Last House on the leftYeah, yeahNo, thank you, I don't want to be that privateYeah, too privateToo privateWhat, I gotta get in a boatIf someone gets on the islandAnd they want to rob and molest me
37:14And then I got to get in a boatTo the way moreOr God help me an airplaneI mean, and I don't know how to drive oneYeah, no, I don't want to have to go by boatOr by planeAnd I want to have like a neighborhood bar I can go to.Oh, yeah, I need to be drinking out with the people.
37:28Yeah.You can make your own bar.Yeah, but that's fine.And pay people to come and hang out at it.That's sad, though.That's really sad.Yeah.You just, all you have to do is just pay people to just constantly drink so you can be ready.
37:41Anytime you want to drink, it's like 9 a.m.I feel like going to a bar.There's always people hanging out at a bar.That just makes me think of in the jerk when he pays all those people to dance in the club downstairs.until they have a disco going 24-7 just in case if anyone wants to dance,which actually is kind of fun.I'd rather do the dancing than the drinking,as long as the drinking came with the dancing.
38:04It's like, I walk in, everyone's like, dance.No, I want like a super depressing biker bar.No.There's a bunch of guys and a couple of gals just plent, propping up a bar and getting wasted.I see the thing is I would be.In shifts.I would want to be paid to be the person that does that.Yeah, I would definitely be a bar regular.
38:22for a salary.For a show.Shakira's got a private island.She bought it with Roger Waters.Strangely enough.With Roger Waters?Yeah.They bought a...
38:33Are they together?No, they're just business partners.They are reportedly developing a resortfor multi-millionaires.Ugh.You know, they need more resorts.They really do.Especially resorts owned by fucking Pink Floyd.
38:49That's so funny.I was like, no, only multimillionaires.Oh, you only have one million?Get out of the door.Not in my resort.You know, Shakira, I've got an idea for a niche market.I mean, that's niche.People with multi-millions who want their own private island.
39:05See, that would kind of solve our problem, though.Private island with a lot of other duches staying on it.At least you won't be so alone.They're all duches.I'd rather own the people that are sitting at my bar.Yeah, yeah.Or have an island where only people with less than a million dollars can go to it.Yeah, or less than like,
39:22$500.Yeah.Only peoplewith $40in their checkingaccount are allowedto go to my island.Because then you can
39:28shoot at their feetand they'd have to dance.Shoot it out!Yeah!I own them.People who do a lotof panicking at the beginningof the month,
39:37that's the only peoplea lot of my island.Okay, I like that.Tommy Leebought Pamela Andersonan island off the coastof Dubai to try to win her back.Didn't work?
39:49She is,isn't she with,what's his?name?I don't know.I know.Wiki man.Julian Assange?
40:00Yeah.Pamela Anderson is with Julian Assange?Yeah, she's been going back and forth to the embassy.To the embassy?Quite a bit.This is another Amber Heard story.Listen, I got mostly negative feelings at this point about Julian Assange that if youasked me in 2010, I would have felt differently.
40:15But, you know, I guess if you're holed up in an embassy, I guess I'm happy for youthat you're getting laid.By Pamela Anderson.Yeah, except that he's, I think, a bad man in a lot of ways.Yeah, yeah, and there's also the Hep C to contend with with Pamela.Also, it's like all I know about Dubai is Sex in the City, too, the movie.We don't talk about that one.There's some shady things going on in Dubai.
40:40They got all those big buildings.A lot of blind items come from Dubai.Interesting.Yeah, a lot of, I think, unpaid labor in Dubai.There's a lot of actresses doing, let's say,escort work in Dubai.I did watch a lot of international house hunters in Dubai.Ooh, I would watch that.
40:59Have we talked about property brothers?We have.We haven't?We have.Are those the sexy brothers?Yeah, you want him to kiss.Yeah.God, I want him to kiss.
41:07I don't know if we've actually talked about that, but Lord, that's why I don't watch it.Yeah.Because, like, it's just so big and it's just like, oh, working together, working together.Fuck.Big Surong Brothers, yeah.I turned 31, and now I just want to watch shows about real estate.Hell yeah.I don't want them to fuck.
41:22I would watch them in an orgy for show.Just fucking in the same room.Yes.Fucking in the same room.No, it's the closest I've got.Those two brothers are the closest I've gotten to understandingwhy people wanted Mary Kate and Ashley to kiss, though.I never understood that.
41:36I was like, why do you want to see two siblings kiss?And then I saw those property brothers, and I was like, I get it.That's just something about it.Something about it.You just can't read, yeah.Because it's taboo, and that's what the porn section is called.Leonardo Caprio has his own islandoff a Blackador Cay Island
41:54located off the coast of Belizehe is overseeing the constructionof an eco-conscious luxury resortSee that's the thing like I feel like he just can't do any wrongI love everything about himI really do I know that he's a bachelor for lifeBut at least he's a bachelor for lifeYeah he ain't out there gallivant and do it's like
42:12He wants to take hot girls on a planeTo an island on a WednesdayAnd he does itAnd his millionaire resort is going to be eco-friendly.And that's nice.He doesn't know what that means, and I don't know what that means.But he's doing it for it to be like, oh, you see, eco-friendly.Oh, look here.
42:29And those hot girls, they know what they're getting into.Oh, yeah.They totally know.It's like, oh, it's Playboy Leo.We're going to hang out Playboy Leo for a little bit.Yes.Girls are fully capable of being like, will I fuck Leonardo DiCaprio?Yes.
42:41Yes.I don't care what other caveats come with it.Who cares?Yeah.Get on the plane.Julia Roberts owns an island in the BahamasSee, you know, you know what?It's a trash territory for a woman
42:54that shouldn't have been beautiful women of the year.Bahamas isn't very nice.I haven't been to all of the Bahamas.I've been to the tourist part.I've been to the Atlantis one.What's the Atlantis one?Well, the little Atlantis, the big boywith the water slide and the dolphins.
43:11It's the one that everybody goes to.Then there's a budget hotel next to it.You stay in the budget hotel.go to Atlanta.Oh.I just got off thereon a cruise port.And it was, you know,
43:22I just wanted to get some,you know,some weed, dude.Mm-hmm.You can't.You can't.Begant.Steven Spielberg has an island.
43:34Deserved.And the Madeiraarchipelagooff the coast of Portugal.Oh, hell yeah.I think, you know what,Steven Spielberg gets everythinghe deserves.
43:44Yeah, that's fine.I think he's allowed it.I'm going to roll my eyes, but I'll also say good for them.And I don't know why if it's like, Julie Roberts doesn't deserve it, but Stephen Spielberg does.She deserves it for her abs in my best friend's wedding and the crop tops.But other than that, you know, I think that Steven Spielberg has said a lot.I'll give Julia Roberts the island if she gives away the most beautiful woman to somebody else who hasn't ever gotten it before.I'm not trying to take away all of her most beautiful women.
44:11Yeah, but like Viola Davis.Yeah, Jessica Chastain.Ooh, Jessica Chastain.I mean, these are, these are, like, there's so many other beautiful women.Yeah, I'd say Viola Davis, I'm with you.Just guess that Just-Dade is also fine.But Viola Davis has those, like, man, her arms, who, I feel like, who.I see her arms and I want to faint.
44:31Yeah, I mean, honestly, there's, I could list 10 women right now who I think are more beautiful than Julia Roberts.Yeah.Kate Winsland is one of them.York, Jackie Zabrowski is one of them.Thank you.I will accept it and put me on the cover.I got lipstick onI do have lipstick on you do have lipstick on you look great
44:50Thank youTyler Perry he owns his own islandOh hell yeahAnd in fact he learned how to fly a planeSo he could fly himself to his private islandTyler Perry is his own islandHe just created his own film industryFor himself
45:07He just did he is a rock he is an islandNicholas Cage has his own islandso deserved.Yes.And the ExumaArchipelago.I know I'm saying that wrong.But I enjoy archipelago.
45:23Archipelago.Archipelago?Archipelago.It's pronounced.Archipelago.Archipelago.See, come to my archipelago.Oh, C.
45:37Oh, yeah, no.C, C, C.I will go to your archipelago.I'll go to Nick Cage's archipelago.Although, actually, not.No, I'll go actually, not to fuck him.Oh.Just to see what he's got.
45:49You just wouldn't?You really wouldn't fuck Nick Gates?No, I don't trust him, honestly.Well, yeah, it's not about trust.I thought you don't, I think there has to be some trust before you fuck somebody.No, it's what condoms are for.Well, on an island, on a private island, I want trust before I am.You know, him and his son swap girlfriends sometimes.
46:06See, this is what I'm talking about.I think it's cool.I don't trust him.I don't know what his son looks like, but I imagine I would want to have sex with him.I would want to go only to Nick Cage's Island with two friends.You are one of them.You are the other.Yes.
46:23We're going to the archipelago.We are going to have some fun in the sun.Take me to the archipelago.Page 7 is going to the archipelago.You're just going to get kicked out of the plane so fast.Nick Cage is like, it's not pronounced that way.David Copperfield owns 11 islands.Man, Vegas, huh?
46:46And rinse ones out to Jontra.Oh, they have sex on that island.Boy, howdy.That David Copperfield, he's the one that was with Claudia Schiffer forever.No, no, they wrote that whole book about him.David Copperfield?What?Yeah.
47:05No, I get it.Yeah, yeah.All right, it's time for Biden.Oh, we can't see him.First up.Good one, Jack.Thank you.Actually, we just got one this week.
47:17A little light on the blind items, but it's a fun one.All right.It's a juicy one.This permanent A-list singer has had several male strippers sent to her place while on vacation this week.Permanent A-list?Mariah Carey.No?Bay.
47:32Younger.Ree-ree.Same age as Bay, actually.Maybe a little older.Ooh, Britney Spears.So many male strippers.Oh, good fun.But she's got all those dancers.
47:42I guess, I mean, yeah, then she's just paying for dancers.She just loves dancers.She just likes to see men dance.Do you think she has them strip to her songs?Yeah, has to.Yeah.With a python on them.That would be cool.
47:56I mean, K-Fedd was never attractive.She really doesn't have very good taste men, although she likes their bodies.She's got Alabama tasting men.Don't look at the teeth.Just look at the body.And that's all we have time for for today is page seven.Thank you very much, everybody, for listening.Do you have any last words?
48:16Just listen to CSNY, man.Because you know what?We've got to let my freak flag fly.Well, I feel like a old weird.And I know someone.For more shows like the one you just listened to,go to cavecomedyradio.com.
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