Page 7 - Episode 201: Bees and Apples

Episode Date: May 4, 2017

Molly, Jackie and Marcus talk most boring celebs, dish about Billy Ray Cyrus' name change, and Goop's newsletter. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

I can't believe that it's something that people abide by. What's a phrase? Nothing tastes as good as thin fields. It's like a thing that horrible... No, everything tastes as good. You know why? Fried chicken. Not licorish.

No, not licorish. It depends. It depends on the licorish. Yeager, for sure. That doesn't... But Yeager is so full of calories. That's why I drank jizzies, Marcus. Welcome to page seven, everybody good?

Yeah, yeah. I'm Marcus Park. I'm Jackie Zabrowski. I'm Molly Neffel. Making my way downtown. Walking fast, faces past and home about. Bina-na-na-ni-n-ni-ni-ni. Why you look so confused, Molly?

I'm trying to catch up with where you're at. I could walk under the sky, and you think time would pass us by, because you know, I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just see you tonight. Oh, that one, sorry, I needed that. That's what I needed. Thank you.

Sorry to make you go through the whole first verse. No, it's fine. I didn't go through the whole. I half remember the words, but I woke up, I was walking to work this morning just fucking brutally hungover, just sweating out some jizzies hard. And that song gave my head.

I was like, this is the opposite of what feeling Vanessa Carlton was trying to be when she wrote this song. Every time I started singing that song, I always start off. I was like, making you way in the world today

takes everything you got. See, I'd rather that. I'd rather have the cheers song in my head. I spent a good amount of yesterday furious with my husband for not knowing the song that I couldn't think of who sings it or what its title was, but the one that goes,

you say, I only hear what I want to He was like, that's not a song I was like, go for fuck's sake And I kept, I was like trying to get it You don't pay attention to the And the whole From anyone anywhere

Don't understand if you really care Only hear a negative is No, no, no No Oh my God, you know many times I just moodily just like listen songs No one understand But I listened to it yesterday

I played it for him And two things one, I was like, this is going to be, we were like brushing our teeth and listening to that song and I was like, this is a great bedtime routine, just choosing one great 90s song to listen to before bed. While you brush your teeth. Well, you brush your teeth. Husband and white.

Yeah, that's married life. But also, it is a good song. It's a stay and holds up. It's a fun. It's a song. She's wandering through that huge apartment by herself. She's just that like, she's just that ultimate, like, quirky girl. She is that quirky.

She was like the original manic pixie dream girl. Like, ooh, look at my cat. glasses. Her name is Lisa Loeb. Lisa Loeb. She's cute, but she's definitely, she was like, like the prototype of like, I don't know, not exactly Zoe Day Chanel, but whoever else has funny glasses. I just feel like quirky girls have no control over their tongues.

Like, I'm a quirky girl. You know people who smile when they smile, they stick their tongue out? See, cats do what it's cute. People do it. It's not cute. Yeah, the cats, it's called the bleep. Well, I do like a cat with a tongue out. But when people smile and they go,

eh. It feels wrong. It does feel very weird. I get so mad about it that I want to bite down on my own tongue. Stop! Stop. Stop. That's got it.

Stop. There's a lot going on in celebrity news this week. At least, you know, celebrities that we lot could talk about. Kelly Rippa chose her replacement for Michael Strayan. Ooh, who, you're not going to like it. Is it Josh Grobin? You're not going to like him. You're really not going to like it.

Ryan Seacrest. See, so, such a borough. He's such a borough. He's been borough for two decades at this point. I still, if you gave me a lineup of those white men that look exactly the same, I couldn't pick him out. Yeah, he looks just like the British people from American Idol. They all have the same cut out of a catalog face. Yuck.

a bad decision. He's never said anything. He's like as bland as Carson Daly without even a thing. Carson Daly is so bland and you're always like, why are you so famous? And then you're like, well, I guess everyone just loves TRL. Yeah, but Carson Daly seems like he might even be kind of fun, you know? Yeah, it seems like there's something there. Like he could be fun.

Whereas Ryan C. Crest is just like a vacant. His eyes are vacant. He doesn't make any jokes. He's just like so bland in every way. And he's the one that does the New Year's Rock and Eve now, right? Yeah. That's why no one watches it. And that's why they had to have Mariah Carey screw up last year.

We've already forgotten about Mariah Carey's New Year's Eve flub. Oh, I never will. I'll also never forget about the picture of her being, she has, like, from her dressing room to the stage, she's put onto like a wheelie chair and wheeled out there. Not a wheelchair, a wheelie chair. An office chair? Yeah, and she's wheeled there.

Really? It's not wheel that's being pushed. They put her in an office chair and push her there. It's a fancy office chair. Do they go, we? Probably. No, she probably's like, don't talk to me. I got to sing a Christmas school.

Is she also adjusting the height on the office chair? Just to make it more annoying for them. You know, if I'm a diva, I will be playing in an office chair. No question about it. But that seems more whimsical than Mariah would normally. No, hers is just, just, laziness. She just stands through the show, just knowing to look her in the eyes, as

they shouldn't. Oh, maybe it's like a Judy Garland situation. Remember how Judy Garland had to be propped up on a lot of things? So drunk, yeah. Ryan Carey is known to be a notorious drunk in the blind items. You know, see that part of her, I kind of like. That's a part I do like.

You respect that. Yeah, but man, the Kelly Rippa and Ryan Secret show is going to be so boring. They couldn't even get, it's like, at least with Michael Strayan, the reason why he got poached was because he was a big, beautiful black man that also was very funny. Yeah, he's charming. I like Michael Strayhan.

Yeah, you need the diversity. You need something, slap something up there. Even Josh Grobin, I feel like he's diverse, because, like, in my head, he's like an Andrea Bachelli. Josh Grubman, the opera singer? Was he in the running? Well, he is, like, he's sat in a lot. He has. Yes.

Really? He's actually kind of, yeah, my mom's obsessed with him, so I always know when Josh Groban has been on. Okay. Yeah, Michael Strayhan was, I didn't. know how much I liked him until I watched the red carpets and I was like, you're doing a decent job, young man. He's very charming. He knows how to kid.

And he's got that gap at his teeth, but he's just kind of cute. And I just, I know I talked about it on here, but I just will always think about the photo shoot he did with his twin daughters because I think he has main custody over his two young twin daughters. And like, it was just like him doing their hair and like the two of them like he's covered in like cupcake batter while they're making cupcakes. I know it's all staged, but it looks like he's a good father. He seems fun.

And what's his deal? He's a retired football player? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm talking like a mean-ass football player. Like an O.J? No, not an OJ. Not like a murderer.

If he did it. Like he did it. Like just very, like a very aggressive big football player. But like known to be like one of the nicest guys around. But like a really aggressive football player. One of the best. Really? Well, like I said, I didn't know him.

And then, you know, the red carpet interviews are all so like, kill me except for his I was like I'm enjoying this you know like he's doing this right you know the this horrible thing we all do schmoozing and talking to celebrities I mean we don't do it but we all I mean as a country

collectively our soul does it yes and he's good at it and he's fun and nice and and you know which is all that fucking morning show is and so what is Ryan Seacrest going to do just stare into space I just want to rub my tongue on his tooth gap

and see if I get the tip of my tongue stuck in there if it's big enough or if my tongue is small enough. It depends. Yeah, Ryan C. Christie, like, he yell talks. Like, he has the announcer voice. Like, is he going to come on screen everyone? Welcome to Good Morning America! Like, it's going to be obnoxious.

He does yell talk. Yeah, because he's never not been like a host. An announcer of sorts. He's an announcer. He's a presenter. Yes. and he's not a host. That's why he's not going to be good at this.

Right, right, yeah. Because if you're a host, you've got to act like, oh, I'm just having my morning coffee and chatting. He was probably the only one that I bet that that contract is so fucking sealed tight after what happened with Michael Strahan. He's probably one of the few people that actually was like,

I'm going to go now and it's going on. I feel like that's how he talks in real life. And then he goes on and he talks like this. Was there some drama with Kelly and Michael Strayhan? Oh, yeah. Yeah, huge drama. He just, he just didn't, he got the job of Good Morning America, and he took it, and it started a lot earlier, so he didn't have any time. So one day he just didn't come to work.

Oh. Because he'd already been sold to Good Morning America. It wasn't his fault, though. You got to go where you got to go? I love them. Yeah, stand by Michael Strayhan. Yeah. Yeah, probably some boss made that decision.

Well, they made jokes on last Friday show. They were having a good time. They made jokes about how, you know, well, all this Kelly and Michael merchandise is going to be discounted. So make sure to buy up as much as you can. I'd buy it. Yeah, I would wear a Kelly and Michael shirt. Except I would white out Kelly's name. I'd read Jackie instead.

It's a Jackie and Michael show. And every day he would pick me up and put me over his shoulder and, like, throw me through a wall. Then we'd have sex. Sounds like poor play. It always ends with you in sex. I'm sorry. Ficking your tongue between his teeth like a snake. He's so big.

He is big. Is Kelly Rippa the one whose body is too tight? Yes. She's one of them. Yeah. I mean, her body is insane. But it's like so, she's a candy apple, right? Like she's got the teeny tiny body in the big head.

Yes. And then but her butt, she's got a good butt. And she always wears those perfectly tailored dresses. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking of. Yeah. No, not butternut squash soup recipe. I want Kelly Rip a butt. Kelly Rip a Butternots soup recipe.

So I typed in, I get it to Kelly Rip a butt and went to Butternut Squash Soup recipe. I want butt. I bet it's delicious. I'm Kelly Ripon. Here's a great butternut squash for you. It's a good butt. It's a good butt. Yeah, good butt.

Yeah, definitely a good butt. It is a tight body. It's going to be, but she's going down the route of Madonna. That in 20 years, she's going to be. spinly scary skeletor, but for now she's tight young mom. Well, actually, I think she's like 60. No. Yeah.

Yeah, I was wondering, how old is she? Yeah, I think Kelly Ripp is like 61, 62. No. Really? How old is Michael Stryan? If I remember, if I remember correctly, I remember her being on one of those. No, never mind, she's 46. Okay.

I was like, my God. She's cryogenically frozen. Which one of my thing? I'm thinking. Maybe I'm thinking of Kathy Lee. Probably, yeah. She looks it, though. Well, she looks tight.

Kathy Lee is tight. Now it's old news, but I do just want to throw it there. We forgot to talk about last week how Kathy Lee Gifford disrespected Bill Nye on the Kathy Lee and Hoda show. Did she know? Yeah, I saw that posted in the group, but I didn't watch the video because I thought I would get too bad. Every time he tried to talk about something or explain something, she'd make like tired, bored faces at the audience. She was so disrespectful. It really, really was.

But the thing is that bitch was fucking ham. She's the worst Hammered hammered It's like why would you trust her To do an interview of Bill Nye Get Hoda in there Hoda's more professional Hoda's drunk as they come though

They're both Yeah but Hoda can hold her liquor Yes she can hold that liquor That's why she gets got her name Holder liquor Yes she'll hold a liquor She'll hold a liquor good Well and Hoda I think if I

If I have my Rite Aid Dwayne Reed tablet memories straight tabloid not tablet I think that she is a new mom I believe in adoption a new adopted mom I mean her womb is a crypt at this point

as maybe she's less drunk with a new baby I don't know or do you get more drunk maybe more drunk I don't know she's got a nanny you can get as drunk as you like yeah yeah yeah

that's why you don't have children until you're rich enough to afford a nanny and then he could drink all the time, and then they can suck out the milk for my tiddies, the nannies can, and then they can give the babies the fresh milk that doesn't have the booze in it. Yeah.

I spent a lot of time thinking about what... Pump and dump is what they call it. I spent a lot of time thinking about what it must be like for very rich people who never see their children. Like who are like, I'm a mom, but they probably see their kid what? How often do you think those people see their kids? Like once a week?

Once a week, right? Yeah, it's great. And then you get to go in and be like, My mom's rich and famous. You're like, I am. Don't touch me. Put on gloves. I'd make them all wear gloves because I have ten of them.

Only touch me in public but not in a sexual way. I know you want to because I'm prime meat. I've been watching too much feud. I've been watching feud too. Feud. I listened to your suggestion once again and I was wearing my Jackie shirt. That's my name. Wow.

I mean, I didn't plan that. I wasn't like, I'm going to get dressed in my Jackie fan outfit. Oh, I want to give a quick shout out to the people out in Los Angeles, the two girls who are wearing a duel, that's my name, and don't come at me with that T-shirt. Nice. Hell yeah, baby. Thank you very much.

Thank you so much. And thank you to everyone out in L.A. who had kind things to say about page seven. Thank you. Well, feud is killer. Now I really want to watch whatever happened to baby Jane. Because I feel like I'm not actually, as much as I love old movies, I'm not super familiar with either Betty Davis or Joan Crawford's work.

You might need to pause it now. watch whatever happened to baby Jane. Because I don't think I'm appreciating it enough. I don't think you're appreciating enough because the movie is fantastic. And is it as fucking crazy as it seems? Yes. And then also watch Mommy Dearest. Yeah, I do want to watch Mommy Dearest.

Because Faye Dunaway does a great Joan Crawford, but I mean, Jessica Lange is really killing it because she gets just the, she gets the venom. Because Faye Dunaway did the, like, crazy part of Joan Crawford, did the behind-the-scenes part of Joan Crawford. And then Jessica Lange does it, like, venom. just the way she talks and she just looks at you with poison in her eyes

the venom and the insecurity the like love me love me it's so good and put Jessica Lang in I would say one of the sexiest women of the last century really yeah I don't know what it is about Jessica but man she's just sex personified dude Cape Fear

except he's a you take all the first morning fair To Zika Rizzy Mousy Mousy hair That's the only thing About Discal language No What is that? The American Freak Show

Yeah American Horror Story Yeah she told me about that She's a life on mass Well she was doing a thing At least she makes a choice I remember how much you loved her in American Horror Story Yeah, but in Cape Fear, though. She's sexy, and she's like a southern debutante.

Yeah, but you can also see her in the Patsy Klein story. Ooh, she's good. And she was the lady in King Kong, right? Am I right? Am I wrong? No, you're thinking of Faye Ray. Okay, all right. No, wait, no.

Am I think of one of the original? You might be thinking of like the 1984 version with Jeff Bridges. I think she is in that. Somebody that I looked up in the process of watching Betty and Joan was in the King Kong movie. I know not of large monkey movies. Yeah, she was in the 1970s. She played the Faye Ray role. Got you.

Supposed to be terrible. Yeah, it doesn't surprise. But I still love Jessica Lange and that's all that matters. She's doing amazing. And Susan Sarandon is really, really doing great. She's fantastic. Yeah. She really is.

Because, you know, it's all about insecurity. Yeah, I'm really respecting the hell out of them. I had to, did we ever talk about the comeback on this show with Lisa Kudrow? No. You all had never seen it? No. It's about... What was it?

Well, that? Well, it? I had to stop because it's about a really insecure actor who tries to make a comeback. And I, Gideon loved it, loves it. And I was like, this makes me too uncomfortable because it's about that insecure thing that actors have. And I was like, this is too real and it actually makes me kind of anxious. But it was super, super, super funny. Lisa Kudrow, I was like, oh, you're actually very funny.

Good for you? Kudos, Kudor. Oh, yes. You mean Phoebe from Friends. This is Phoebe from Friends. Kudos Phoebe from Friends. Yeah, basically the newsflashes, Phoebe from Friends can be funny in a different context.

And it's really good, but it's about that insecurity, and it's so good. But I'm not having the same kind of like anxiety reaction with Betty and Joan because it feels kind of far. Well, they're classic old. I mean, that is something so far removed that we will never understand of your whole life. And especially just the whole part of it that, like,

they fucked for everything that they ever got. And then they're too old to do it. Yeah. And, like, can you imagine? dealing with that. It's like, like, they keep trying and they put on their sexy, and they, and then like, just constantly pushed away. Yeah. Just like, no, Joan.

Not anymore, Joan. It's just like, damn, that hurts, man. Yeah. Yeah. To think about, like, a time when there wasn't just, like, an abundance of stars, and it was like, you're one of the real fucking stars, you know. Yeah. Big stars. Yeah. But you should watch it. Now we got too many to count.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. But just like the ones in space. Billy Ray Cyrus is changing his name Oh my God, I know What is he changing it to? Just Cyrus He's so gross

He's just such a gross old man The 25th anniversary of Akey Breaking Heart Don't say his name And he's re-recording No Three new versions of it Just one like just kind of like Modern updated version

A Spanglish version Why? It doesn't, it just... And holy fuck, an EDM version with Bootsie Collins. What is EDM? Is that a kid's thing? It's like electronic dance music. I was wondering, I was going to make a joke.

Is it going to be a techno one? Yes. Okay. Right gay, right gay, hot da, dun da, uh. I just don't think you understand. I dance so much. My headphones came off. And he's doing it with the bass player from Parliament Funkadel.

He must need money The bass player from Parliament Funkadelic because Cyrus is not going to make any money off of this He still has business in the front party in the back He still does Man that guy I really don't care for him And I do care about his daughter But I don't care for him I want to shoot him

Into space Oh I thought you meant shoot him? I was like wow That's violent, Molly. Did you know Miley Cyrus was born the same year that Akee Breaky Heart came out? She turns 25 this year. Oh my God, she's getting old. So while that guy was touring the nation, torturing us all, his wife was bearing Miley Cyrus.

Although, I mean, it was a big part of the boot scooting boogie renaissance. Yeah, I mean, I don't know if we would have boot scooting without Billy Ray Cyrus. Bootscootting. Oh, you guys want to go out to the fairgrounds? There's boot scoot every Friday. I know you love a boot scooting. Yeah, I mean, that's my, when I think of Bootskooten, I think of, I think of, Don't Tell My Heart. I have two associations that don't tell my heart, Boots Guten, and fucking Bill Hicks, which is great.

Thank God. Thank God for Bill Hicks. But, yeah, that is like, when I think of, like, the first school dance I ever went to, Akey Breaky Heart. That's really? Yeah, we had, like, like, a Valentine's dance on an elementary school. Like, third, fourth graders and fifth graders could go to. and that song. And it wasn't even like I was in the South.

It was just the entire country was swept up by it. Yeah. It really wasn't. And in the South, it was even worse. I guess that's true. I remember I did it like one of the, we had dance festival every year where everyone paraded out like all the classes and you stand in a circle.

And one year we did in Vogue's, no, not in Vogue. Free your mind and rest of fun. But then one year we had to do your icky, break your heart. And it was a lot of just, you know, you hold onto your belt. And you go to the side. It's boring. It's so, oh my God. How did that become so?

I mean, I guess it is very catchy, but it is one of those mystery hits. Yeah, see, I was, I thought maybe we're going to say that people in the South, like, could see through it because they know real country or something. No. Nope. No. No, they got take, if anything got taken even harder. Because there are still some people back home that, you know, still, like, can kind of see through it. Don't listen to the pop shit.

And there's still a lot of cool Texas country. artists that are still playing to this day. And some people can see through it and really enjoy that chip. But for the most part, no, it's that a, get my truck, gonna get a red cup. Go out, I'll do the country on the road in a

girl down bear. Oh, more down. Yeah. Get a lot now. Get a right now. Get a lady in the truck. I actually do weirdly like that music though. I don't listen to it but you go home and it's like everywhere.

and you're just like this fucking shit. I mean, then you hear, you know, out of pot soon. Make amazing catching raise a ball of rule. It was so bad. Florida Georgia line. That band can be, they can go to bed.

But remember when Miley Cyrus sang that duet with Dolly Parton? And it was like, ooh, you got talent that your father did not give you. Yes. She can sing that. No, she did. I mean, she didn't know much more about good music than I do.

No, oh, I mean, I don't. I was just singing Pantoon. I, no, she did do a good job when she was singing that with it. She does have some country chops in there. Yeah, she does. I mean, more than her father. More than her daddy. Which now sounds like he's going to be trying to hang out with like, Tyga.

Right? Cyrus. Cyrus sounds so dumb. And what is he's got to be in his 50s. Oh, easily. Yeah, he might even be closer to the 60 mark. I believe I saw a picture of him. He's definitely reached the old lesbian phase.

Yes, because he had like a purple streak in his hair. It's like, honey, with the transitioning glasses? Yeah, those transitioning glasses. Somebody's got to tell aging celebrities not to wear those. Honestly, somebody's just got to tell the world not to wear those. True. My mom's got him. I hate him.

Yeah, look at a picture of him right there. What is his choice of hair? It's the middle-aged man, like middle-aged Hollywood guy lesbian look. That's what happens to, for some reason, men and Holly. would once they reach a certain age, not all men, but certain men, usually men who dye their hair, end up getting haircuts that make them look like

middle-aged lesbians. Yikes. It also reminds, it's like, it's vaguely reminiscent of like a, like a kind of phasing out, like, late 80s, early 90s, like, um, kind of like hair rock metal haircut, right? Where it like, start, there's like one point in the

center of your head and then kind of like a palm tree. All of the hair comes to and fro in all directions from it. I guess just a, like, Do they just stop producing testosterone at higher at such levels? And it just, I don't know. It goes a little limp. It goes a little limp. Everything goes a little saggier.

It just doesn't. Some dudes just lose it, man. I got to say, though, that haircut is very Cyrus. Yeah. It is very serious. I mean, that's so Cyrus is what his new documentary should be called. It was like making fun of him, but he doesn't know it, you know? It's also a little bit like Bon Jovi, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But, you know, I feel like Bon Jovi is just a caricature of himself. Yeah. Yeah. He knows that. Right.

And Bon Jovi can just rock being Bon Jovi, whereas, like, Billy Ray does not have that. People still, like, sing some, like, you know, living on a prayer excitedly at a bar. And I don't think that we're at that point with Akey Breaky Heart. I mean, you just were in Esbury Park, so I'm sure you saw it in the flesh. I did. I did. And I love it. Ugh.

Yeah, his statement, Billy Ray's statement, after August 25th, I will be. the artist formerly known as Billy Ray. I'm just going by my last name, Cyrus. Wait, why August 20? Why does he have to wait? I think it's, that's after. Yeah, why does he have to wait? I was like, you already said it. When the paperwork comes through, which is August 20th.

Actually, that is exactly what it is. He said, I always went by Cyrus, and I begged Mercury Records to call me Cyrus in the beginning, because that's what I was comfortable with. I'm going to the hospital where I was born in Belafonte, Kentucky, and legally changing my name. I didn't have time in my schedule to make the plane arrangements and to make sure that I have time to get a notary schedule who's going to notarize the documents and then I'm going to send out a press release

and then I'll be known as Cyrus. You don't have to go to the hospital in which you were born. You don't have to do this. Now when you're famous, you can just say, call me Cyrus. And now you're Cyrus. Just like, I mean, Prince did it, but Prince was awesome and then he went back. I mean, you could do whatever fuck you want?

Does he have to, do you think he makes people around him I was like, up, it's Cyrus now. Yep, yep, don't call Billy Ray. Oh, Billy Ray's not here. I don't see Billy Ray anywhere. I see fucking Cyrus standing right here, but Billy Ray, I don't see anywhere around. You want to try that again? Here you go, Billy Ray. Who are you talking to?

Try again. Why did you get out my birth certificate? Belafonte in Kentucky. I did not go down to that hospital for nothing. It's probably just a pile of ashes right now. He gets a bunch of, like, stray dogs. Like, you sign this and put your paw on it. But you put your muddy paw on it?

No, no, that's a doctor. He could have been the doctor to pass life. That's what Cyrus believes in. That in Jesus Christ. I believe in two things. Being Cyrus and the Lord Jesus Christ. Good for you, Cyrus. You know, at least he believes in something.

Roseanne might be coming back to TV. I saw. I did see. I mean, how'd, like, original cast? Original cast with Dan faking his own death. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like Rosanne is what I've, my whole life, people are like, you didn't watch Roseanne.

I just missed it. My mom didn't like Roseanne bars, so we never watched it in the house. So it's like, I just never really watch it. But I have so many friends that are dying, like, seen every episode a thousand times. Can't believe I've never seen it. And I think I need to just do it. I know I would love it. You would love it.

Ooh, maybe we could do this together. Because I did watch it, like I had friends who loved it when I was a kid, but I didn't watch it at home. And so I've seen episodes. I know the gist of it. Yeah, I get it. But I, but yeah, like, especially my, like, I feel like there's like a working class thing, like where like friends who identify hard as like members of the working class like love Roseanne. Oh yeah. Which is cool and interesting about it that it was like kind of the first slash only like working class identity sitcom.

And so I have also been thinking about going back and starting from the beginning and just doing like a Roseanne. Well, me is a sensitive middle class boy, I also loved it. Yeah, right. Middle class, too. Like, I guess, yeah, I mean, I feel like, I guess, like, what I've heard about the working class thing is, like, that there was, you know, like, full house and all those guys. They live in, like, nice, big old houses. And, like, you know, that in Roseanne, they, like, talk about money, anxiety and, like, talk about being, you know, broke. And, like, that was not something you saw on TV at the time.

Yeah, and everybody loves Raymond. Ma. Dapra! The twins! I don't do anything right. Just like in everybody loves Raymond. Although I did that with cheers. I know I've talked about it on here,

but like I did it. Like I never watched cheers, so I just did all of cheers. Now I fucking love cheers. Yeah, cheers is fantastic. And I'm so glad I did it. I'm glad I did the whole thing. So I should do that too.

I mean, it's not the same after coach. But, you know, you get through it. You keep on, keep it on. Woody Harrelson, would bang then, would bang now. He does good. Yeah. Yeah.

He's got, he's, because I watched Cheers when I was a kid, and, you know, it was after Coach who died that I started watching Cheers. So Woody was always my guy with Cheers. I enjoy Woody. I think I'm going to do, I think I'm going to go on Roseanne. Yeah, I think I will too. Let's do it together. Although I did go through the two Darlene, not Darlene's.

What was the oldest one? Becky, yeah, yeah, I went through the two Beckys on Roseanne. Which Becky do you prefer? The first Becky, although the second Becky is nicer. The first Becky had more oomph, and she moved the plot along. better. Okay. I just remember because the what's her, I mean the amazing character actress, the woman opposite of

Roseanne. The one with the big eyes. Lori. Lori Mattcat. Yeah. And because her name is Jackie in the show, right? So that's, I mean, I think that's why I got it. And I'm like, you're just like her. And I'm like, why? Because that's my name. Oh, God. I'm going to have to do

that through the entire fucking show. You're going to be so sad. And by the enemy, just can be like, that's my name. Jackie, you'll be able to know The kiddie in now, whenever, now that I wear that shirt a lot, whenever he sees the name Jackie anywhere, he goes, that's my name. I'm so happy. You're passing it a lot. It's in my brain constantly.

We got to do goop news. We've become a goop subsidiary podcast. Well, we just need to, it just, I can't help it. We have to. We have to. We can't ignore it anymore. What she do? Her and Anna Windhor are releasing a quarterly magazine together.

Oh, my. Is this that, is it? If she didn't embarrass herself enough with that lime food stamp incident, she just needs to partner with the richest gal in town. And it's going to be a quarterly magazine. Of course, because she doesn't have time to do one monthly. Oh, I'm busy doing my blog. Oh, who, who, who, she doesn't even write that blog. She's got somebody else running up.

Yeah, I literally don't, I want to know how she spends her days and what she does. Because she doesn't clean. No, and I didn't want to give her my money, but I was very interested because she has a cookbook out. the forward is by Mario Patali. I was very close to buying it for Henry for his birthday, but I just couldn't give the money to her. But it looked so awful. And I was like, I just want to see what kind of say.

Take a piece of rice. Cut it into fours. A meal for six. I was like, I just wanted to see what her fucking shit-ass recipes were that probably were not original. Maybe we could get it on eBay? Yeah, I mean, it's not even that expensive.

I just didn't want to give any money to her. Yeah, no, I think that you are correct. Got to spend that money on Barefoot Contessa's book, Cooking for Jeffrey. And I already have cooking for Jeffrey. You have it? Oh, yeah, Henry got it for me for Christmas. Oh, maybe I knew that. Do you know how many recipes for chicken are in that?

75%. Oh, my God, does he love chicken? Jeffrey loves chicken. Every Friday, I cook my chicken for 32 years. There's a lot of pictures of the two of them when they were young, though, and they were both. It was a very attractive couple. They were. But he was a military man, and that's why he's a closeted homosexual.

She was fine. She was foin. Foyne. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. He was not so bad himself. Oh, yeah, I would have bang.

Yeah. I would have banged him a submarine. Yeah. I think he was Navy. I don't know what he was. You know, she always sent him cookies. He was,

she was in high school, he was in college. And she like wrote him letters. Like, there's like, there's like, there's like, Brownies. I mean.

Not cookies. Yeah, please. I said Jeffrey Brownies every, every weekend. And then you talk to Jeffrey and Jeff. He's like, yeah, I guess she sent me brownies.

I don't really. He doesn't remember. He's too busy fucking bang in the neighborhood when the ship's going around, I think it's Navy. I'm making up Navy, but I'm pretending it's Navy, because that's really where the bang happens in the submarines. I think that's how they all have the nuclear codes, you know.

I think that he was, he's a real, he's a high up, he's, might be protecting this nation right now, you know. Big banger? Some kind of banger. But it's a good, she better keep that chicken coming because he's, he knows too much. Oh, he knows where his fucking chicken is butter. Well, I know when Tours said, I've long known Gwyneth to have wonderful taste and vision, but with Goop, she has built something remarkable, a thoroughly modern take on how we live today.

No. Isn't Anna Wintour like a thousand years old? Yeah. Hasn't she been old forever? I think she's like really, really, really old. She's like Corella DeVille. She's like 67. Really?

That's it? I don't know why I thought I thought she was going to say 80s or 90s or 120. Or 120. I would have gone with 120. She named her child B, like B-E-E. Well, B and apples. Together they can fucking pollinate

and do whatever they do. Making fruit, making flowers, and doing our shit. B-E-A is a cool thing. Sure. Like B-R-R-R-R-R-R-R. But like B-ZZ, it just doesn't, it's not good.

No, no one likes bees. Except for beekeepers. And we need bees. I know, idea. I care about bees, but I don't want to be around them. We don't want a B or them. Yeah.

You fucks! You fucks! You fucks. So I don't, but is it about fashion or is it about Goop? It's about lifestyle. Is it about like lipstick and all that shit she puts on her thing? Well, in the Connie Nast lineup, it's replacing Self Magazine, which closed last year. Oh, Self magazine is awful.

Yeah, self, nobody but self. No. But now you got Goop Magazine. Is it called Goop magazine? It's going to be called Goop Magazine. God, I hate it. I hate it. It's just going to be a bunch of products.

That's what she must do all day. She just goes online. and looks at products and it's like, I'm going to rebrand it. It's going to be lip gloss, but we're calling to call it goop. Ugh, gloop. That's what I think of every time with goop is,

yeah, I'm surprised Anna Wendora wasn't like you have to change the name, darling. It's disgusting. See, I don't even think that she's the one that's looking up these products. I think she has a bunch of assistants to do it, and then she'll be like lounging and someone's fanning her and someone's putting goop on her.

And she looks at it and she goes, Nay. Yeah, no, you're wrong. Maybe she sits there. Somebody puts the lip gloss on her lips and she's like, I don't like the mouth feel. Give me another one. Lick it off.

I only want extra spit on my lips. I don't want a tissue on it. Lick it off. Oh, man, that would be fun, though. I'll lick your lip gloss. Give me a biodegradable handkerchief and then I'll market that as well. Imagine when she tried out the jade egg.

Right now on. Right now on Goop, G.P.'s picks. from Paul Andrew, the Ria Lam Shirling Sling Slingback, only $795 a pair. Is that underpants? Is it a slingback like a bathing suit tanked up? Underpants. It's a fucking shoe. A shoe.

I thought I was underpants. You aren't ladies, are you? No, nope, nope, nope. We are each wearing sneaks on our feet. We don't got sling backs. Yeah. Racerbacks, what are they called? Slingbacks.

Racerback is. a swimsuit. Or a bra style. I know that. We know those things. Those are the things we know. We know items of clothing. So you're telling me you're not interested in a diewood slingback platform.

Why? So you want to wear the sandal? Is there a wedge? Is there a wedge in there? Put a wedge in it. What about a striped jacard fallabella shoulder bag by Stella McCartney? Only $1155. No.

I don't believe in shoulder bags. I've been wearing these sneakers for probably seven months. and I paid $15 for them. Yeah, I've been wearing these poohs barefoot with no socks for three and a half years and they're very comfortable. And I know that it's controversial to wear shoes and no socks, but I do it.

Slingback. Well, I don't, like, I don't do this if I know I'm going to go to someone's house and take my shoes off. You know what I mean? Yeah. But if it's just for myself and I'm going about my day, then I do do it. Then fuck them. Yeah.

Welcome. Slingbacks. Time for the list. Go to move on the list. Bigbacks. Gotta have that list. Ooh, I like that. The shortest celebrity marriages.

Oh, you could find the best list. Oh, well, there's a whole, there's a website that gathers them all over. Brittany Spears. J.T. No, Jason Alexander. What? Not George. Oh, my God.

I was like, wait a second. It was her childhood friend also named Jason Alexander. 55 hours they made it. Hell yeah. At that point, it's a second. an annulment, right? You don't even get a divorce. Yeah, it's annulled, yeah. And then she married... Probably didn't even go through.

Yeah, she married Kevin Federline like a couple months later. You know, I mean, you gotta have a turnover rate of five husbands to a year. Do it quick. Yeah, yeah, in and out, end up. That means that you're wanted. Husband, husband, husband, husband. That's cool.

Carmen Electra and Dennis Robin were married for nine days. I remember that. Yeah, I remember that too. That was a weird one. Well, because I just never, I was never really into Dennis Rodman sexually. So I didn't, and Carmen Electra was just Carmen Elektra. Very much into Carmen Electric. Yeah.

Yeah. Carmen Electra was like the hot woman for, I would say about a year or two. Oh, yeah. Like, she was the standard for hot women. It went like, first it was Pamela Anderson, then it was Anna Nicole Smith. Then it was Carmen Leicester. And then Anna Nicole Smith died. Well, she disappeared.

She died later. Yeah. And in between Anna Nicole Smith and her death there was Carmen Electra and Ginny McCarthy. Jenny McCarthy was a good one. Yeah. And then Ginny McCarthy was a good one. I think Jenny McCarthy was like the last of the hots. She was last of the fun hots, too.

Like, she was a fun hot. Because the 90s were just full of the fun hots. Yes. There were fun hots everywhere. And then, yeah, the fun hots kind of went away. I think it was 9-11. Yeah, I guess it put a cloud over us. It's another thing that 9-11 ruined.

No more fun hots. Well, and just like going back to Betty and Joan, there's not like one person. There's not like one hot a year anymore. There's like 25 hots a year. Yeah, like Cindy Crawford was one of the hots. And then before that was like Farah Fawcett. Yeah. Like there was the It Girl.

Jane Fonda is in there. Jane Fonda is a Hanoi Jane. I knew you'd mention her. Anybody, because we also had a Cindy Crawford exercise video. That's why I thought of. Wow. Yeah. You had good ones.

Yeah, a lot of high bikinis. Yeah. Oh, they were like up, I mean, they were past the navel. Yeah, up to like the ribs. Yeah. Doesn't look good. Yeah, it must have been very. very upsetting.

For the vaginal area. And it doesn't look good. Nobody wants a vaj that's like six inches long. God, my mom asked me. My mom said there were genitals in front of me the other day, and I thought I was going to throw up. Genitals. She's like, but what about her genitals?

She's referring to the character on billions, who is a gender fluid. Gender fluid in real life, gender fluid on the show. It was referred to as like Z or they. And my mom didn't understand. She's like, but what about their genitals? What do they have down there? They're genitals.

I was like, stop saying genitals. I don't know what their genitals look like. That's one of those, I like that question, though, because it's one of those questions where you're like, you know what, if I'm asking about genitals, maybe I don't need to ask about genitals. Maybe you're not supposed to know about the genitals. I think that there's a vagina, but I'm not really sure.

I mean, there could be either kind. I mean, there's two kinds of genitals. It could be one or the other. It's one or the other. Yeah. And I don't like to think too hard about most people's genitals. I'm thinking about yours right now Some people I'll take part about them

But like my friends I don't try to dwell on them Yeah passing fancy at most Yes Yeah And you stop What do they look like? Immediately stop Dennis Hopper was married to

Michelle Phillips for about two weeks Like Wilson Phillips I have no idea who Michelle Phillips is Oh okay Mario Lopez was married to Ali Landry You remember her? Oh I remember her She was a hot girl for like six

a month. Yeah, thereabouts, yeah. And two weeks they lasted until she found out he cheated on her during his bachelor party. Wow. Mario Lopez, really? Oh, Mario Lopez is a notorious dickhead. Really? He's one of the worst in Hollywood. Doesn't surprise me on the one hand,

but he always cultivates that nice boy. Elizabeth Hurley, that's another one. That was another hot. Because of showgirls? No, Elizabeth Hurley. She was in Austin Power. Monkey Bow. Oh, yeah, sorry. I always think of Elizabeth. Yeah, she was in Monkeybone. Bring a fucking monkey bone

She was in Austin Powers The spy who shagged me Bedazzled and Monkeybone That's it And Austin Powers She was in three movies Okay But what a hell of a three years it was

Oh yeah What I like about Elizabeth Hurley was that I mean I might be totally wrong Because I was young But I feel like she was like a little bit older Like slightly Yeah slightly just a little bit Just enough to be like

Well that's cool You can be hot and slightly older Yes. And then Heather Graham was after her. Yes, she was stupid hot. And also stupid hot. And also stupid nights. Boogie Knights.

Yeah. We all remember Roller Girl. Where was I? He's perflusted. Yeah, she was too hot. Damn it. I'm thinking about Heather Graham and Boogie Knights and I clicked on the wrong thing and now I got to get back to the right place again. Oh, my God.

He's perfusslered. Heather Graham, not a talented actor. No. No. Boogie Nights only talented. That was the only role she ever showed any talent in. Yeah, because she showed how short she could wear shorts and how perfectly tiny her breasts are.

Just full body. You got to see the whole thing. Remember that scene? Oh, I remember. It confused me in more ways than one. Ernest Borgnein and Ethel Merman. Oh, daddy. Well, hello, daddy.

Man, I've sung so many. Ethel Merman songs. They were married for 38 days. Back then, that must have been real short. Oh, yeah. In 1964. She's going to hell. She's going to hell for a lot of things, so let's be real here.

Go for her. Drew Barrymore. Sorry, it was being a quirky girl. Chris Catan was married to a woman named Sunshine Tut. Yikes. Good name. I just, man, all I think of will ever think of Chris Catan is a him.

What was his name? Mr. Peepers? Mr. Peepers. That's all, that's it. And that is so unattractive. You imagine having sex with Mr. Peepers? Well, Mr. Peeper's. Mango is fun too.

Mango is fun. I will say, I laughed, I laughed at both Mango and Mr. Peepers regularly. Yeah. I mean, for the goofy characters, he had it. I enjoyed it. Also, a notorious dickhead.

Yes. Chris Catan? Yeah. Oh, no. The worst. Maybe he has a little man complex. Probably, he probably got a little man and he called him Mr. Peepers. I'm not Mr. Peepers. I'm not. That's my penis's name.

I'm going to cheat on you to prove I'm not Mango. It would kind of suck to be walking down the street and like every once wants to be like, yo, Mr. Peepers! I mean, he did it. He made it. He made it. He did have to do it. He made his bed and now he's a lie in it. Now probably he's very poor. I think he does okay, actually. You think so? He just bit parts here and there and I think it keeps him afloat. Yeah.

Time per Blanada. Hey, we can't see them. Apparently, there was a time in the not too recent past where this A-minus B-plus list, mostly television actress, who stars in a new almost television show on Amazon, spent some time away from her church. At a premiere the other night, they had multiple minders with her to make sure she didn't speak to anyone from that time period away from the church. Katie Holmes?

No, but you're getting close. In the church, but not Katie Holmes, with a bunch of minors, as in people underneath 18 years old? Oh, minders. Oh, minders. I was like, why's you got to be around a bunch of kids? Oh, is it a kid fucking thing? That was like people who go into mine. Minders.

You know, Scientology always has people around me and like, oh, don't talk to that person. They're an SP. SPs, baby. They're like, you know, 3.2 on the tone scale. I don't know of any new Amazon shows that are out because I'm in the dark on Amazon. Well, they're actually, there's a lot of ads for it in the subway right now.

She was a child actor? It's been a bit of a feminist type thing. Oh, Lord. Molly. Wait, okay. A feminist, former child actor? No, no, no, no. The show is like a feminist thing.

The show is a feminist thing. On Amazon. It's new. Amazon, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't know. Janefinket Smith. No. I'm just trying to think, now I'm just trying to think of Scientology. Oh, oh, a handmade sales.

Yeah, Elizabeth Moss. It's on Hulu. That's why. That's not why. You all wouldn't have gotten mad anywhere. That's why. Stop fucking why. That's why.

man, it's, you know, the Scientologist thing makes me so upset because I really like her. I like Elizabeth's mom a lot. I like her as an actress so much. I think she's a lifer. Oh, I think she was born into it. Yeah, I think she was born into it.

Yeah, I think she grew up Scientologist. I gotta read that book before I see that fucking show. Apparently it's really good, but I think I'm one of the only people that didn't read that book in school. Yeah, I tried reading it. I didn't get into it. You might like it. I just didn't get into it.

I love this utopian. future. It's very good. I didn't read it until college, but it is good. But I'm anxious about watching that show because I'm not trying to get so stressed out, you know. Like you will read it really fast because it will stress you out. I was like, well, I don't know. I'm reading the husband's secret right now. And it is Jesus. Oh, God. I love that. I'm reading a darker shade of magic and I'm having a lot of fun.

I would say, so maybe we don't need the handmaid's tale in our lives. I think the nation needs it, but I look for escapism in my entertainment but yeah I'm actually curious I haven't read it God since I was probably 20 so I don't really remember a thousand years ago and lastly Goop everybody

we're getting goopy with it yeah I got goop and stop goop it and lastly this A plus list mostly movie actress who has multiple Academy Award wins and nominations

says she recently read a four page interview she said supposedly gave to a kiss-butt knee-paddened tabloid and said she didn't even know she was going to be in the magazine. She asked her people, and they just answered the questions for her via email. Not fair. Not fair. Merrill Street. No.

How old we talked about her last week? Kate Winslet. No. Kate Blanchett. No, she was like the main person we talked about last week. I don't remember last week. We didn't talk about like anybody else. about her. We talked about it for like 20 minutes.

Most beautiful person. Oh, Julia Roberts. We didn't talk about her a lot. And her crop tops. See, that's fine. Is she really going to answer any kind of, no. There's nothing we can learn about her at this point. Boring, boring. Oh, I had kids.

There's nothing that we can, it does not matter. If I was Julie Roberts, I'd be like, I don't care. Somebody answer the questions. No, but also that's why I forgot about last week because that's how little I care about her. Yeah. Yeah. And you can tell, too, like this is when they asked her

like how, because she's got a lot more, she's got the most, like, most beautiful person awards and she's ahead of George Clooney. She said, I'm going to mention that in my Christmas card to the Clooney's this year. She didn't say it. Her PR people said it.

Why would they say it? Because she's entitled, because it sounds like something that she would say. Let's think of something that she would say. It sounds like something she would. Yes, because she doesn't know. At this point, she doesn't know what it is to be a normal person anymore. She's been famous for so long, like, famous, famous for so long that she doesn't even know. Just know.

Yeah. I mean, even when they did that carpool karaoke and they, like, picked up people. I forget who was in the front seat, who was the actual singer of it. But then they, like, picked up George Clooney and Julia Roberts. And, like, then they all sang together because they were just. hanging out and it was all a set up he's all a ploy and even though I love carpal karaoke

I didn't like that one yeah but I the thing is I do still care about George Clooney do we his handsomeness I know but he's got it he's got it all knocked up wife and she's an international lawyer do not say anything negative about his wife I know I love her I'm saying that like now

what she's just gonna like go take care of some kids no no she's not she's testifying before the UN then why is she having children Because you have the right to have children And still be a person in and of your own self She testified before the UN about mass graves in Iraq And all the headlines where she shows off her baby bump at the UN I know and that's why it's great

So she's having a nanny who's going to suck out the liquor from her breasts And so the babies get the fresh milk And that's where we're going to end today's stage 7 Thank you very much for listening everybody We'll talk to y'all next week For more shows like the one you just listened to Go to cavecomedyradio.com Thank you.