Page 7 - Episode 203: Goin' To A Hootenanny

Episode Date: May 20, 2017

Marcus and Jackie are joined by Henry Zebrowski to talk the return of Roseanne, Whitney Huston and Bobby Brown's gross habits, and celebs with gambling problems. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

I want to taste like a hot dog money in a crunchy square. But the thing is, why eat something to taste like a hot dog when you can just eat a hot dog? Because you don't have a hot dog stand immediately in front of you. Also, you're trying to cut back on the fucking nitrates, even though salty chips are all nitrate. What is nitrate? Well, welcome to page seven, everybody. We're talking a hot dog flavored chips. Oh my God.

That is we'll be walking on the song. It's a hot one out there today. It's a hot one out there every day. What is this? Alaska, California. We don't know. We won't find out until we grow. That's a Groundhog Day reference.

Thank you. Oh, Zio. You got me. Baby. Oh, Jackie, we should dress up as Sunny and Cher for the gay pride parade. I've already been Cher for Halloween like three times in a row. Oh, and also Henry Zabowski. Welcome to the show.

Hey. Henry is so hungover that his legs are up on a chair. He's laying as if in, what do they call? The Chazet. Shazze. Shays lounge. Yeah, yeah, I'm sitting. I'm doing the Brando Lanesit because it hurts to sit on the center of my butt.

Oh, yeah, because you got a, you found a little bubole up there, didn't you? Yep. A little gumball. I have a new present. in my butt. Is it called, you start calling it your gumbo. This is my little gumbo.

A gumbo. I'm going to draw a smiley face on it. Look, it's an emoji. Isn't that so fucking cute? Isn't that fucking great? His gumbo's all swolies. One by one, more members of the cave comedy radio family have fallen to the hemorrhoie. Not me, maybe.

Soon. I'll be free and clear. Soon. Why are you wearing pants? Because we had a meeting this morning and you can't wear shorts to a meeting. Why? Because I'm not fucking Seth Rogen. Seth Rogen wear his cargo shorts everywhere.

I'm not some Adam San Lair. Oh, but you're on your way. I think. All right, you two are getting on the edge of being bad right now. You two are getting it. You're on the edge of being bad. Guess what? Don't spank me.

Your butt's got acid. You're coming leaking and screeching out of it. That's what my hair amory sounds like. My hungover voice is what my hammeroid sounds like. Oh, aye, aye, aye, aye. I feel like your asshole is like the fridge and dinosaurs. Like every time you go and take a shit, just like, Hey, hey, no, no, not me.

Oh, we had another sad death this week. Roger Ailes. No, Powers Booth. Oh, wait. That one got put under the rug, I feel like. It really did. Well, there's not a whole lot of Westerns fans out there. Powers Booth was Sy Tolliver and Deadwood.

Deadwood. Yeah, he was also, I can't remember the name of his character in Tombstone. He was, like, top-notch Western. I think it was Diggity Smalls. Oh. Well, I can't believe Molly's out here. She loves Tombstone. Love Tombstone.

Well, I love Tombstone. Well, because it was an appropriate death. Yeah. No one really talks about it when it's like he was 68 years old. He lived like a catcher's mitt. He was covered in whiskey. He obviously died appropriately and thank you for service. Thank you for your service, Powers.

I don't think that he was in the military of any sort. He was in a westerns. Yeah, he was in gunsling in military. He had a gun. I definitely, he was an actor who had guns. Yes. Not on his. arms, but in his spirit.

I also heard that his name is actually pronounced, Powase. Fowler's birthday. Bowie's birthday. Don't come at me with that. That's right. I forgot to have my pre-show talk with the two of you. You didn't give us the talk.

I haven't been fluffed. How am I know what to say? Yeah, it's Soundgarden. But there's a resurrection. What? Roseanne. Wow. I, what?

Not going to be good. Roseanne's coming back. They're coming back. Yeah. I don't think it's a good move. Roseanne is now, she's very Republican, right? She kind of, she did the Dennis Miller. She's an almond farmer.

Almond farmer. Yes, she has a farm for almonds. Almonds? Almonds on the Hawaiian Islands. Why did you say it like a Creole man? Wayan Island. Because I wanted to sound festive. No, no.

But he was going, Mukalako. That's how you sound like you're a festive. We're not allowed to do that. Why? We're Paulinian. I love Jason Momoa. You see, that gives you a pass in Hawaii. But the almond farm is an interesting idea because of all the milks you can get from the nut.

And I don't think that Roseanne has made a lot of milk from a lot of nuts. Oh, no, she's milking. She's milking those nuts. She's just yelling at a penis. I get what you're saying there. Yeah. I understand. I just don't understand.

Do you think she yells at a penis until it ejaculate? What is sexy about Roseanne? I'm a... She's looking... Actually, she's looking okay these days. I think she looks pretty good. Yeah. Oh, yeah, she's got some.

Yeah. She looks like a, like, a wicken, you know? She looks like if Stevie Nix got hit by a train. I don't know. Stevie Nix, I love Stevie Nix, but she's also not looking our best. She did so much cocaine up her butt hole. Then why does her butt look bad? Because it always comes all the way up.

It always comes out her snoot. You put it in your toot and comes out your snoot. That's how it always goes. When you put it in your snoot, it comes out your tooth. Mm-hmm. True. Man, I was listening to Flewwood Mac last night because I'm trying, real hard. Love Flewwood Mac.

I put on Tusk. You don't love me now. You can never love me again. I can still hear you saying, you will never break the chain. See, that's why I'm trying to get into it. It's good. Because I know the two of you love Fleawood Mac so much, and I try listening to it, and I just don't enjoy it.

Gosh, darn. I'm trying. Hey, I'm not an idiot. No, you're not an idiot. You're an idiot. You're an idiot. Don't. Sounds like you guys have gargling mud.

I'll gargle some mud. I'll gargle some mud. I don't like getting a flea wood mac. I'm trying, man. Got to wear more skirts? Yeah, you need more flowing scarves. I mean, Fleawood Mac is awesome. You got to listen to early Fleawood Mac.

Listen to some solo Stevie. I mean, even you get into the whole, like, you know, tell me a little lies, tell me sweet little lies. Also, the affairs makes the band so spicy spicy. Man, Henry bought me great tickets to Steve Glewood Mac, and he could not go with me, which I bet he was very sad about. I was. But you could feel the tension of them on stage of how much they hate each other.

Still. Yeah, because, I mean, they put it in a whole album. The best album of all to, I love rumors. It's not the best album of all that. The best album of all times. Listen to rumors, though. The best album at all time, obviously, is the Forrest Gump soundtrack. Because it's got all the hits.

Because of the Feather Song. Love the Feather Song? Yeah, what is like, D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D. It does sound like a man with an IQ of 75 on his island. He's saying, yes. I imagine it's Forrest Gump that came up with it like, D-D-D-D-D.

You know what? It would it be nice to make a song. It sound like Almighty. Wouldn't it be nice? Now, that's the Beach Boys. Yes. That's what Brian Wilson sounded like in the 60s. But Roseanne's getting wider and Dan is supposed to be dead in it.

Well, I think they were going to say that Dan, him dying was like a dream. Oh, God. He did it already. The whole last season was a dream. That Dan had died at the end of the season before. Spoiler alert, hey. You don't know the ending of Roseanne. Spoiler alert, hey.

That's something my horse says about lunch No one's when a gay horse eats Everyone loves that resurgence of the joke They do They do I've actually just got feedback from it From my gumbo And the brownie is grown into a smiley

He's my little man He's my quato He can be He's one with us It's too late. I've already become one with you, my little gumbo. Oh, gumbo. A spicy, a spicy.

He's spicy. A spicy. It's so fucking spicy. Wish you could take it to a medium. Because right now it is that a... Caliente. You got to juice it. Can't you get up there and juice it?

No, I'm not... Sina. You told me... Because I called him... Sina from the brighter side. Yeah, I told him because he's got him too and he's like, feel around there and look for it. I was like, what am I?

Fucking Gerald Ford. I don't know who. Who is a famous person Richard Gere? Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston actually used to do that when Whitney Houston apparently had bad constipation problems

and when she had constipation problems Bobby Brown would stick his finger up there and like root around and loosen it up. She's not a musket. That makes me so disgusting. They actually talked about it on their show.

That is great. That's entertainment. I'm so glad that we don't talk about it on this show. Nothing but class. Absolutely tremendous show. It's totally but the most classy. information and jokes

that anybody's ever heard. B, B, B, B. They call it the Dookie Bumble. Oh, I just, I just, it's just, really, I just, I think it's just the beginning of the gumbo. I think gumbo talk grosses me out.

Why? Because it's your brother? I imagine it like, I imagine it like white hot heat and throbbing inside of you. White heat. Yeah, it's got a whole band down there. That's Velvet Underground. I like those kind of song

I like people that say I like those kind of songs where you have a bunch of people chanting the chorus in the background. I like a good old German anthem. I want to come back to this whole dooky bubble thing. Okay. Please. Being Bobby Brown.

It was the second episode and Whitney Houston was saying that he should get his colon check and he said, I've seen worse. I've had to dig a dokey bubble out of your butt. And she said, all right, he's tripping. And then he reminisces that once when her turd was too big, that's in quotes, for her to excrete, he had to pull it out with his fingers, his damn self.

And high, I will always love you. That's fun. How does he pop the dokey bubble? Stick your finger up there. Stick your finger up there and you root around. But how does that bring it down? Unless you have an implement to go up and catch it. Give it a hook.

Well, I'd imagine that probably every time you stick your finger up there and you kind of do the come-hither motion, you get some stuck underneath your fingernail. So you pull it out, you take it off. You wash your hands, and then you keep doing that until you scrape it all out. And all she wanted to do with dance with somebody. All she wanted was to dance with somebody. Oh, my God. Man, she's all full of shit. Literally.

Literally. How much she eating? She's so thin. I guess she was smoking crack quite a bit. Yeah, and probably not eating. A whole lot. Not very healthy eating a lot of meats. That's what I was just dealing with coming back from Texas.

Because you could get old backed up. Yeah. Did you eat too many meats? Yeah, eating too many meats. It's just nothing but beef down there. We ate beef almost every meal. I like it. But Whitney must have been doing the same thing.

Yeah. A beefy woman. Yeah, she's probably in Texas. That was the problem. You go up there, you get the cum hither. And everything's fine. The cum hither is what you're supposed to do in the vagina. The cum hither?

Yeah, you stick it. You stick the finger in the bedana. You hook. And then you hook it. Yeah. Up in there. And you go like, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

And they go. Bing, ding, ding, pink, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, dund, dun. He ran as all angry. It's a mighty. It's his leg. Do you think that Sebastian got any sex? Yeah. With those lips?

Are you kidding me? Wait, Sebastian was the little fish, right? No, it's flounder. Flounders the fish, because I was bad to say flounder is a child. You're being an idiot. No, flounder is to the fucking teacup As bullshit is to bullshit I fucking hate the teacup

I hated flounder I hated both of them I was though Sexually fixated on Ariel As were we all my friend Because he gave her tits Yeah She didn't good tits

You don't give her tits Same thing with Belle from Beauty and the Beast Great tits on that cartoon No reason for it See I was all up in Prince Eric Prince Eric was definitely the hottest Prince He's the Little Mermaid Prince

Yes Why is that Why do you think that. I don't know. I think it was just like the way they drew his eyes. He had big blue eyes and dark hair. You know what you're never? Never hear about. Someone to be in love with Jafar.

Which is really sad because Osama bin Laden had like seven wives. So someone had to be sexually attracted to Jifar. He looked greasy to the touch. His facial hair was greasy. So I imagine he either I don't know, he'd like kill a bunch of lambs and then

squeegee it onto his weird tiny beard. He's covered in a lubey. Jason Mamola looks very wet. Yeah. Boy, if you type in Little Mermaid nude, there's all kinds of weird shit that comes up. What was the name of the seagull? Like, click-clack or Bing-Bong?

His name is Jiggetty Jack. Oh, here's a picture of him having sex with Ariel. Oh, no. That is troubling. I don't think that that is. I forgot what his name was. What's his name? I don't remember.

Kling-Clong? No. Diggity Smalls, played by Powers Booth. See, I really liked the eels. I always wanted to have sex with the eels. eels as well. Flatsome and Jetsam. His name was Scuttle. Scuttle. And that was John Candy,

wasn't it? Recipes. Recipes, oh my God. Was that him? I don't know. Or John Candy was in rescuers from Down Under. He was in rescuers from Down Under. This is a great show. Oh, here's one of Little Mermaid, nude, and pregnant. No, she can't be pregnant. What's she going to have? I have a half fish? She ain't got no pussy?

No, she does have a pussy at some point. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, technically fish should have like a cloaca of type. Well, I thought fish, like, they shot their sperm out into the ocean, and then the other one went in and, like, puffed it up. Interesting. Cloaca. How do fish have sex?

No, yeah, it's a puff. It's a puff, and then they squeeze in a puff. Put us in the BBC. Yeah, they do have a cloaca, through which they excrete mate and lay eggs and give birth. Most fish reproduce using external fertilization. Interesting. Yeah, yeah, the female lays the eggs, and then the male covers them with sperm. Yeah, thank God that doesn't get humans pregnant, right?

Yeah, have a woman squat. Have a woman squat all over and have him scum all over your fucking tampons. Squat down on the floor and just have a whole bunch of eggs just kind of fall off. And I slither through them. The dog is like, you done? Are you done yet, Jackie? Is it time for me to be a daddy? That's done how we talk.

Yeah, he can. He's a good man. He's a good man. Yeah. Boy, that would be weird. Yeah, you're having a whole bunch of eggs on the ground, and then a guy goes over and jerks off on the eggs, and then the baby grows in that spot for nine months.

You're right. Don't touch that spot. That's my babies. It's like when you piss on one part of the bed only. I was like, don't, I liked it to be wet, this part. And you can use the rest of the bed, but you still have the piss parts just in case. It's my wet.

What do you use your wet for? Just for, so I don't have to get out of bed in the middle of the night. It's like to just squeege. you down and go, and I sweep back up. Being easy. You're your own toilet. I am. I am my own toilet.

And that's why, and I think cloaca would be a beautiful name for a little girl. Oh, God, you're right. Ooh, like Cloaca Zabrowski. Cloaca. Yeah, we'd have to say it like that. This is my number. Cloaca. Cloaca Parks.

Oh, that's a good one. Yeah, get a hyphenated name. Cloaca Parksidalgo. Oh, that's sexy spot. I see. Oh, yeah. That's almost gumbo. It sounds like a maid that's going to get murdered.

It sounds like an adult Arnold Schwarzenegger's mistress. What's your name? Like, Maria Conchita Alonzo? She was in total recall. Yeah, I know who you're talking about. What was the name of the maid he had sex with? Ugly. It's disgusting, Jackie.

Yeah, I said it. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. He admits that he regrets the affair, he says. Of course he does. Because he had such an ugly child with him. Man, very big head.

Mildred Patricia Bain. What does she look like? Here's a picture of her. All right. Looks like Maria Conchita Alonzo. Yeah, I mean, she's a burly woman. Big, yeah, got to be. You got to ride that horse.

Yeah, but I mean, he had Maria Shriver. She's spindly. She got bones that must have scraped his big meats. Yeah, but she also writes kids bucks. Sexy. Dunesbury. Why did I say that? I don't know

I also was reading a blind item Brad Pitt's very sad Yes he is He's not doing well He's losing a lot of weight I saw a picture of him on the National Enquirer the other day And they say he's out bathing I mean he doesn't look like the type

That I ever really bathed before Before it was a sexy choice Yeah well like Johnny Depp makes the not bathing sexy choice I was reading about that quite a bit too like they're trying to pressure him to sell his island and he won't do it because he thinks he needs to be there in case the shit goes down, quote, unquote.

Are you talking about Johnny Depp? Yeah. Did you see him on the red carpet? Like, he could barely stand. Yeah. He's, like, out of control right now. He's relaxed. Let him be relaxed. You know, when you're that relaxed,

your legs don't work anymore. Put him in a wheelchair. Let him wheel around. Oh, my God. E. Yeah. I'm Johnny Crocker. What's his name in Pirates of the Caribbean?

Yeah, Johnny Crocker. Johnny Crocker Smith. I'm Johnny Crocker Don't need my feet no more Got put wheels in it It's type of margarine I think right Crocker Yeah give me a spoon of crocker

Put it on my potatoes bitch When's the last time you had margarine? It is not good I don't eat margarine It is solidified vegetable oil Yeah just eat Crisco then Chisco is that Smear Chrisco on it

I did see a blind item earlier today that said that Johnny Depp had to be resuscitated after he mixed some booze and pills. Cool. Yeah, cool. Mm-hmm. Lina Donim is apparently being using coke in order to get, like, lose weight because she'd have a hard time losing weight.

She said that nobody's, because she has no friends since the show's been over. Well, and that's all thing, too, is that she lost a bunch of weight, and she's always just like, I'm bigger and that's okay. Now she lost a bunch of weight. She's like, don't look at me for my size, but now she has to maintain it because she was the chubby girl, and now she's not the chubby girl anymore. She got to snooed up her tutums. She actually went to the hot.

I saw on another blind out and that she went to the hospital the other day because she had mixed a whole bunch of booze, edibles, and diet pills. Ah, she's having fun. Again, technically, for some people, that's a lot of fun. Not a cry for help.

I think it sounds great. Honestly, we just like to have a good toy. Yeah. Because we like to have a good toy, maybe colisey good toy. I go down to long, long trips, down blind items revealed. I like reading them.

I love them. They're so much fun. In order to be famous, I now like at the point where I think that you have to, it either turns you insane or you have to be insane in the first place. I don't know, man. There's a lot of people that do all right because I love the kindness items. Tom Hakes. Tom H. You know who actually is a super good dude that shows up in the blind items a lot with kindnesses?

William H. Macy. I've heard he's a good man. I love him. And I've heard same thing with Keith for Sutherland, even though he's a horrible drunk. He's a horrible drunk, but he's a fun drunk. He's a fun drunk. See, that's what I like. Remember that story when he threw the Christmas tree through the window?

He was having fun. He was having fun. But you know what? He paid for it and helped clean it up. Oh, yeah. It's a folly. It's like a Broadway show. But it's inside of a hotel lobby and your family is the only one who watches it.

That's what our dad was like. Except he didn't clean up after it. No, he didn't. Mom did. He mostly was asleep. I just remember the dad show being, everyone would be quiet because if dad gets up. He's going to be really air. So we learned it to be very quiet.

And now we get very loud. And now we can sing. But never we want. Mascarate. Paper faces on parade. Bascarate. Stop. Hide your face all the world.

We never find you. You know how I feel about Phantom. What's wrong with Phantom? What's wrong with Phantom? There's nothing wrong. There's nothing. There's no. I know you're right.

Essentially, Phantom is the story of Rick O'Kasek. In the cars? The ugliest man in the world who fingerbangs Stephanie Seymour? No. You bitch. Wait, I thought, wait, I thought he doesn't get her in the end. Spoiler alert.

Phantom. Phantom of the Phantom of the Opera. Well, he could. He did technically get her for a little bit. He tried to kill her. That's the thing. But all relationships are slowly murdering something. I mean, that is true.

Yeah, Rick O'Case. is a horrific skeleton of a man. Yes, and so all you've got to do is be good at music, and that's how you equalize, and you get somebody like Stephanie Seymour. That's just what he needed. No, he married a woman named Suzanne. Well, no, wait, never mind. He dated her from 1972 to 1988.

He has been married to Paulina Poroskova since 1989. Only models. He is a hooked-nosed, evil-looking Iqabod crane. Is he a bad man? No. Oh. No. Give my best friend's girl.

Come on. I mean, I know the cars. I didn't know if he was like a bad man. You can sing my best friend's girl and still be a bad man. Yeah, look at a picture of his wife. Jesus Christ. Hot damn. What does he look like?

I don't know what he looks like. He looks like a fucking nightmare. He's a very ugly man. You're telling me that if you were a model, you wouldn't have sex with a nightmare of a man that had a bunch of money? I've heard model specifically, Oh yeah. Just showed a picture of Rick O'Case.

He looks like fucking Prince Charles. He's very ugly. Oh, tiny, weird head. Big back of his head. Well, he's one of those guys that has, like, the neck and the head, like the neck's skinny, but the head is the same size as the neck. He's got a... U-Tip head. Burt head.

Burt head. He's got Burt head. I understand that torpedo head. And I think that's fine. He's allowed to have that. God might him look like that. So that's why, but then he gets models because he only got nothing but the best. That's great.

Because that's what you do, but that's what Phantom tried to do. God, here's a picture of them nude together on a beach. Wow. He looks horrible. He's got my body. Well, no, your body's better than that. Well, that's what it will become. No, it's, it's spindly.

Spindly skinny. As we get older, we get looser. Yeah. You're going to get looser, except your belly is getting tighter. You get a little pooch. Yeah, I'm getting a little pooch. Can't do a hell of a whole lot about that. It's because we're traveling too much.

I'm not playing drums as much as I used to. All we're doing is just fucking drinking beer in airports. slamming them back, just out collecting money. I've been loose my whole life. That's what they call you. That's a shame. Loose.

Shame torquered. Jackie the loose. Yeah, I'm Haynes my way. Because I've always loose. You are bringing shame on our name. Except my problem is that I just I could have been loose. Yeah, you could have been.

I could have been. But you know what I did? Titan rope. I am also fairly. Tighten up. Tighten up. I am actually very physically loose. Yeah. Oh, I was talking about sexually.

I know. She's talking about how her vagina has stretched from the amount of things that have been put in there. Not just penises, but various objects and other body parts besides penises. Well, then he's shut off. I think you powered down. That is, I can't, you know, Gumbo, what do you have to say about that? I hope that she's learning. Better her way.

Like you should, Henry. Don't you fucking criticize me, Gumbo? That was the problem. Man, I just imagine... I just set myself in the dick. Oh, no. I just imagine you talking to gumbo every time you go to the bathroom.

I did know. I was just praying to fucking gumbo when we were in the diner because now I have to look at my shit. It makes snore... I'm not shit in a bunch of blood. But you don't look at it anyway? Oh, yes, of course I did.

That's how I saw in the first place. see the colors. It goes, it's a good health indicator. It's a show how much water you need. What you want really is you don't really want hard. You want fluffy. But you want to be consistently fluffy. You got to look at the chart. You've ever seen the chart before? What about if

there's like white in it? Is that just mean I'm like kind of dehydrated? It's bad. It's not like bad, bad, but you got to watch your health. You've got to get more nutrients. Nutrients. It's got to be brown. Brown is the nature. It's brown with like white spots. Interesting. Yeah. Look at the chart.

Look at the chart. The chart taught me a lot. The poo-poo chart? Yeah. Because if it's thin, you got an obstruction. Is that what it is? Is that what it is? Or if it's been, you've been constipated.

I've got too much mucus. You know what? I could have said that. How do you stop that? Lesson the mucus intake. Yeah. Just stop producing so much. I need to stop crying so much.

Crying a lot and swallowing all the mucus. It's the endless tears. Yeah, the endless, endless, endless tears. Maybe it's your dairy intake. That creates a lot of mucus. I do have a fair amount of dairy throughout the day. I was also reading that apparently the National Enquirer is putting together a system. They're trying to actively pull apart Jay-Z and Beyonce.

For a while, what they were doing is they were getting payoffs from Beyonce to be like, don't talk about us anymore, like, don't do this stuff. And then they decided to flip on him. I guess she stopped paying him. And now they're going to openly start talking about Jay Z's affair more and more to put pressure on him. No, but the thing is that, like, he doesn't hide what he does. Not really. Because she knows about it. She knows what's going on.

Yeah, they got to, they obviously have a. Do all super powerful famous couples, do you think they all have an arrangement? Yes. Not all but a lot. I think they do. I don't think Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson do. No. But I don't think anybody's looking to fuck Tom Hanks.

Exqueez me? I guess you would, but you're a daddy-holic. I think that most people would get their, like, Like, their early 90s jollies out all over his penis. That's just the way it goes, man. I mean, just if somebody reaches that level of fame, they just, I don't know, people just will throw themselves at them just because they've seen them so much.

It's just some sort of like, it's like brand recognition, where if you see a whole bunch of signs of McDonald's going down a highway, once you get to that McDonald's, you're like, I kind of want some McDonald's. Also, but I just can't imagine, look at a Tom Hanks being like, mean, I want some phone where he's gump up in my room. and he like specifically sexually attracted to Forrest Gump. I mean, no, I mean, but there are many other... You don't think about Forrest Gump.

What if you think about Big? Yeah, kid. I guess you'd have a boy's enthusiasm inside of a man's body. Can't think of the thrust. But I feel like I would describe my sexual... Sorry, Jackie. My sexual nature is being a boy trapped inside of a man. Ew, gross.

And sometimes you've got to talk to the man to release the boy. It sounds like you come within... Two seconds? No? Is that where you called Colin? I'm too excited. I'm too excited. Releasing the boy.

It's time to release the... Oh, Natalie, excuse me. Oh, I've released the boy. Oh, no. Millions of boys. Only boys. Never a girl. Never a girl.

Throw out the girl. Oh, you have a girl. Threw out the girl. You sound like Scuttle. Throw out the girl. I'm a scuttle. My name Scuttle, I throw out the girl and I make a love. You have no older woman that you would still have sex with?

Clarice Leachman. Yeah. Really? There's something about her. Honestly, Susan Sarandon, even though she's changed quite a bit. Have you watched Feud? No. Got to watch Feud.

She's also having a couple of troubles with the old booze and pills right now. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. She has to. She was Betty Davis. How else you're going to get into Betty Davis's mind without boozing and pill? You got to do it. I would say my older lady is without a doubt Miss Sigourney Weaver.

Oh, yeah. She's number one in the above 60 crowds. By far number one. See, everybody's got them. Sharon Stone, too, man. Sharon Stone's pretty damn good. Oh, for show. She's looking good.

Also, she does her own plumbing. You mean she goes up and cleans herself out? She does her own dokey bubbles. I got this. She's going to spread her legs like the fucking thing. All right, time for the list? Time of the list? We've got the list.

Fargus, got to have that list. Celebrities with gambling problems. Yay. Henry Zabrowski. No, I don't have a gambling problem. I have a gambling solution. Well, you just got back from Las Vegas, correct. All I did was I put $20 in a slot machine,

press the button, $180,000, cashed out. That's it. You didn't do any other gambling besides that? No. What did you do the whole time? My lifestyle's a gamble. I went out there, I told you ate all that flogged. It's the douchiest shit you've ever said in your life.

Hell yeah. My lifestyle's a gamble. Yeah, Cabo Wabo. You got to drive. No way to fold up. No when to fold up. No when to walk away. No when to run.

You know what I like better is Ruben James. Ruben James. You don't walk through the fields of my mind. Painted shirt with a brow. Cut us hands upon the plow. Love then I love you now. Ruben Jans. Love Kenny Rush.

Kennedy Rogers is pretty great. The 80s country revival was a lot of fun, and I think a lot of people ignore that. Oh, so it's about Ruben James. Is it about a boat? I think it's about a man. It's about a goddamn man. The USS Ruben James.

But he's got callous hands on a plow. Love you then, love you now. Ruben James. It's about a farm hand. Ruben James was a boat swainsmate in the United States Navy, famous for his heroism in the first Barbary War. Look up. Ruben James, Kenny Rogers.

Plow. He's on a plow. And then the Rubin James sunk. Woody Guthrie wrote a song about it. That is not the same Ruben James. The sinking of the Ruben James. No, he's talking about. Ruben James was written by Kenny Rogers about a man that he must have met.

Or Lisa had sex with. On the plow. Hmm. The sinking of the Rubin James is by Woody Guthrie. It's about the ship. Ruben James. Look up the other song. Look up the Ruben James. And he's sinking while on convoy duty shortly before the U.S.

entered World War II. Johnny Horton the Kingston Trio also did it. It's just too boring of a story. The terrible story. Woody Guthrie only wrote boring songs. They're all very serious. Not as boring as Arlo Guthrie's songs. Oh, Arlo Guthrie's song.

But Woody Guthrie gave him like, I don't dust, storm. Can't kill me, boy. I can't kill me, boy. I can't tell me. How many shirts can you get in a closet? Let's count on. One, two, three, four, five. That's all got very thin closet.

You did kind of just sum up like 60 years of folk music. I hate folk music. I like some. I like a good hoot nanny every once in a while. A hoot nanny's different. Oh, yeah. But I want to be in person for that. I want to be at a hoot nanny.

Yeah, I went to a hoot nanny a few years, like when I was in college in Okima, Oklahoma, which is the birthplace of Woody Guthrie, and it was one of the best times in my life. It thought of, woo. Woo. All right now. Yeah, it was a hoot-nanny. It was a great hoot-nanny. You all, like, everyone hung out in this big field and tents and campers and shit.

You wake up in the morning. We woke up. We walked out of the tent, and some dude just walked over with a lit joint and said, morning bro. It's like, oh, good morning to you, sir. Oh, yeah, that's fun. When does a hoot nanny become a jamboree? Late night. See, I would argue that a jamboree becomes a hoot nanny. Really?

Yeah, jampery is a daytime thing. Jutnanny's nighttime thing. Yeah, it's like the completely opposite thought process I have. Country bear jamboree. That's a daytime jamboree. Yeah, that is true. I guess jamboree would be in the morning. Yeah, jamborees are like what Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts do. Do they? Oh, yeah. Hoot nanny is an adult activity. Hoot nanny. I don't think there's anything adult about a hoot nanny because you got nanny in it.

Yeah, but that's why, because the nannies are there because all the kids are asleep. Yeah. That's when you make mistakes. Hout nanny is just where nanny's part. It's when you aff like it. Oh, yeah, baby. Oh, yeah. Oh, she's so sad.

Well, the second song, yeah, the Kinney Roger song, it has no connection with Of course not. The mariner Rubin James. Ribbon James. It is instead a reminiscence by a young man of an African-American

sharecropper named Rubin James that the singer knew as a boy. It was written by Alex Harvey and Barry Etris. Oh, Kenny Rogers doesn't write his own songs? What?

Did he write the gambler? Didn't he write? But he was writing back in the day of the, what is it, the condition? Like, see, what condition my condition was in. Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, yeah. What condition my condition was in. That's a great album.

That's got O'Ira. O'Ira's a great song. The Gambler was written by Don Schlitz. Ah, the Schlitz, baby. That's brisk, baby. That's brisk, baby. I'd rather have a schlitz. Thank you very much.

I want to get a car that says, I want to get one of those bumper stickers, I'd rather be Schlitzen. Jesus. I think you'd get pulled over more if that was on your car. Also, question for the group. If you're wearing a beer hat, like a beer helmet, but the beers are empty,

will you be arrested for that? Or is it just fashion? It could be just, I think you could pull it off as just fashion at that point. It'd be kind of fun to wear a beer helmet, drive around and when people pick up get one of those like funny licenses the fake driver's licenses says lady go-go

that are like Rasta pasta man You're like hey man Don't arrest me bro No oh no You gotta rass me I'd rather be Schlitzen I'd rather be Schlitzen

Don Schlitz He also wrote such hits As Daddy's Come Around Oh yeah Oh, God. And deeper than the holler. What is the song Daddy's Comes Around? I tell you what, it does not sound welcome.

It sounds like what I always wanted my life to be. It was a 1990 song by Paul Overstreet. Let me look up the lyrics of Daddy's Come Around. Daddy's Come Around. Better close up your holes. Better watch all your Pee Pee's goes. Daddy comes around. Jangling keys.

She's in the background. It's actually it's a song about alcoholism. Daddy's come around to mama's way of thinking. No more staying out all night of drinking. Everything's better on the home front now. They're meeting in the middle, working it out. I finally figured out he's got something worth keeping. And daddy's come around to mama's way of thinking.

Yeah, fucking right. That man's going to be drinking in two days. This sounds like the relationship of like y'all's parents. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's a sarcastic song. Man, I'd rather be Schlitzen. Rather be Schlitzen.

I'll tell you what. My other cars are Schlitzen. The other reindeer should have been Schlitzen. Hey. This is the drunk reindeer. Jackie, that's our pitch. Oh, my God, I love that. Schlitzen, the drunk brother of Blitzin.

All right, I'll be Blitzin. That is not a bad idea. Copyright Zabrowski's 2017. You already did it. Schlitzen instead, what is it? Instead of Blitzin. It is Blitzin's drunk brother. Schlitzen.

So Blitzen gets real, like, he's sick. So Schlitzen stands in for him. He's the Roger Clinton. So he's the embarrassment to Blitzen. He's got the good corporate reindeer job of working for Santa Claus. The Billy Carter. Okay. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, Maria Shriver. Well, you're just saying name. He's just saying something that seems like you understand. She was a Kennedy. She was a Kennedy. She was the skinniest Kennedy besides Jack Kennedy now because he's dead. He's a skeleton. And one more verse from Daddy's Come Around.

and late last night when the lights were low. Daddy told Mama, I love you so. Early this morning, Mama said to him, you just might get to be a daddy again. Oh, God, don't knock her up again. You're going to be drinking again. Also, just because he's home doesn't mean he's dead. Just because he leaves doesn't mean he's not daddy anymore.

No, I think what it meant is he gooshed inside of her the night before. Back and roll. Finally, they are having sex again. Like, you just might, you gooshed hard enough inside of me that you might have popped another seed in there. Oh, God. Hey, you know what helped that? Greasing the wheels with alcohol. Yeah, no one wants to have sober sex.

I try. Yeah, I quite enjoy sober sex. I like being there for it. Not when daddy comes around, though. No, because now you're mommy. When daddy comes around. Celebrities who have gambling problems. Norm McDonald's.

Nellie. Interesting. Furtado? Yes. She's like a bird. She wants to put it in a slot. I'm like a bird. No, that's not Nelly.

That is Nellie. That is Nellie. And then I'm like a bird. So spend the eyes. I saw the bird. I saw the bird. They always fly around my head. I saw the bird.

I saw the bird. The show is devolved. Not. Not. Not for time. The Affleck has quite the gambling problem. Oh, that's, of course he is. I mean, he was in that rehab.

I didn't realize that she was just waiting for him to get out of rehab to really do that divorce. Yeah. It was nice because she didn't double whammy him. That's nice. No money. No whammy's. Yeah. Big money.

Big money. No whammy. Yeah. Shannon Elizabeth. Do you remember her? Ooh. Sexy American pie. Gambling problems?

Oh, yeah. She runs a gambling ring from her own home. Cool. Then that's not a gambling ring. That sounds like it's just a poker party. It's a gambling ring. No, it sounds like she's playing poker at her house. She's let her do whatever the one.

What if it's nonstop? It sounds like she's a madam of poker. It's so sexy. That's like one-eyed jacks and Twin Peaks. Yeah. Oh. Uh-oh. You got to go find Shannon Elizabeth.

I just poked one. Ugh. I'm so close to you. Gumbo, so happy about it. Something to distract. Michael Phelps has quite the gambling addiction. Oh, man, he's going to turn into O.J. Simpson. I am waiting for him to really, like, fall off the deba.

Like, there's no way he doesn't have anger just coursing through those veins. I'm going to put money on this. $20.00. In the next 10 years, Michael Phelps kill somebody in a car crash. At least kill somebody in a car crash. Okay. I think he's implicated in some form of homicide. Yep.

Or he does some sort of big public flame out, i.e. Martin Lawrence when he was discovered with the gun and on the middle of the highway. I think he's going to do something fucked up. I think it's going to be a homicide. I think, well, at the very least, he's going to be involved. He's going to be involved in a suspicious death.

Let's just say suspicious death. Tertiary. He's going to pull more like a dust and diamond where he's just like, dude drunk pulls out a knife. But that was technically, I got the full story in Dustin Diamond, and he said that it was completely a mistake and that it was very, it was low. He did pull out the knife, though.

He had a knife. He had a knife. Because he's Justin Diamond, and he needs to protect himself. He had a knife. He got into an altercation. Dude grabbed him the knife. He cut his hand. And then he said afterwards, and of course the dude, full court press, he's fucking screeched.

Screeched with the knife. He's already guilty in the public trial, trial public opinion. Right. And so now he's all over the place. And he was also stunt cock into porn. Yeah. Yeah, definitely stunt cock. And speaking of getting some inside scoops, when we were at the Webby's on Monday, this is solid God.

Thank you. This is solid hot gas. I don't know. I just thought about it. I just remembered it. Is it about Solange? It is not. Although she is a radiant woman.

She's very beautiful. How beautiful is she? She was wearing a sash. A sash. And it was a wonderful sash. You mean like a sash? It's weird to see someone like her because you really do see like when celebrities like radiate, especially singers like her.

She's statuesque. Yes. She absolutely is. Speaking of sketchy-esque, this hot piece of Goss. straight from the horse's mouth. Gillian Anderson, perfect-looking woman. Perfect.

In person, she is show-stopping. Yeah. And she, yeah. We had crutches on. Why did she have crutches? Dave, don't know. David Accovney, though,

gave her, like, the acceptance speech because she won Best Actress Award for the Webby, which is a complete portion. I don't know what that means. Yeah, who cares. But he had a cast on,

heard through the grapevine, that they had it coming through separate ways. They came into a back door because they are, Oh yeah Oh they're a fucking Yeah but was it like world according to garp Of what happened to them?

We don't know what happened to them All we know is that they were both injured Gillian Anderson with a leg injury David de Coveny with an arm injury And I have seen in the blind items Many rumors about them being Together They have to

They have to Well they get they got back together I think after many years of Because I think when they were doing X file other, but it was like real life moonlighting. Yeah, I think in the X-Files, he was a tail uni, right? Yes, and well, it's also a lot of time, he was also a sex addict. He went to sex rehab.

Yeah, to do all that shit. He was just fucking everything that moves, and I think at the time she was like, what a pig. And he was just like, I'm the kind of pig you want me to search for truffles aside of your bottle with, and she was going to go like, you know, like, stop it, stop it. I think after a while, it just fucking moldered.

She got moldered. Gladys Knight. Interesting. What about the Pips. Yeah, the Pips are right behind her going, Gambling away, gambling away. Give me some money, please. I'll probably not.

She was hooked on sports betting and Baccarat. Wow, Baccarat is the best gambling thing named after a songwriter. It is a Bert Baccarat. I know, I know this, the right That's my joke. But what's the game?

You don't know the game. It's Asian. You don't know the game. Asian, it's a card game. Like Chinese checkers? It's actually French. There are three popular variants of the game. Ponto Banco.

Asian. Baharat Shamin de Fréle. That is French. Or Baccarat Bonc. French. Yeah, that could be. Or Thai. See?

Because French also has places in Asia. It does have places. It's got stock in other places in Asia. Yeah, they went to the Fe la Pants. Well, that's why Vietnamese. sandwiches are on baguettes yes and have patte on yeah and pickled vegetables what I like is that

onctious patte mixes with the wonderful vinegared vegetables in the pickle vegetables on it with the sumptuous pork and the crisp baguette is cautious in your mouth and you got the little spit of like fresh the herbs on there and that is an absolute taste sensation you got to get yourself

a bon me sandwich I'm so glad that we just took a tour of bond me sandwich I'm really happy. Likey. Bon me sandwiches. This has been happening a lot on shows. Like yesterday on Roundtable, we went into a whole,

like, we could not get holding to shut up about what he likes on his Chipotle burrito. Oh, man. It is a cruel science that he is done to him. No beans. I hate him. I hate him. He just gets going.

He's the best. The problem is that you... Stay! They get the rice. He gets the two different guys of sauces on it, and then he's got the extra hot sauce that he can dip the chips in. And it used to be like a fajita type thing, and then they started like making a new a burrito.

And then after that was going to kill myself. I'm going to shoot myself. Lexi's just waiting for the moment to kill him. But rice does not belong in a burrito, it's filler. Hmm, interesting. And according to Mexicante paritos, they are, should be. meat and beans or meat and cheese, meat bean cheese, right?

Ooh, maybe some radishes. Well, the barrito is a very American thing. Yes, yes. They more and more into the tacos. Because they're always on the go. They're always on the run. They're boys in a trail. Moustaches.

Toby fucking McGuire. Of course he's. I've heard he's a dead-eyed serial killer. Yeah, look at it. this picture of him. Ooch, my friend, I have a friend

that was a model that was like in his world because Toby McGuire and DiCaprio hang out all the time. DiCaprio, nothing but class

a little bit on the iffy side sometimes, but Toby McGuire has also been said that he is a serial killer. He's a very scary

person. Really? Toby McGuire, he's dead on the inside. Ray Romano. No. Bavra. Barbara.

Bavro. I could see that he's a gambler. It's in his face. Yeah, he's got that gambling face. Look at this picture of him gambling. He's got that shifty eye. I think that he just has an alcoholic's face is what it is.

He's got a queen's face. I don't think he's got a boozing thing. Well, the alcoholic face and the gambling face pretty similar. A lot of Venn diagram there. I think there's also probably a match of gambling to people that like meth because you like the rush and you like the drama. He doesn't do meth. I know he doesn't. He's too fat.

He's too fat. That's how you always know. You know, I'm not a method. But Henry? What? Interesting. What do you think, Gumby? What do you think, Gumbo?

I think there's a lot of things you could work out with your health. I just need you to fucking get off my back. Oh, and not is there just Raymond or Brad Garrett. Oh, they must do it together. They're like a Russian doll. They, he's a cutie. He's like a mountain top. Are you saying out loud in a recorded fashion?

That you were attracted to Brad Garrett. She has many a time before. Weird. Yeah, I'm not saying that I wouldn't have sex of him. So do you also, Fayette decides about lurch from the Adams family? No, because he's too pale. Have you ever seen what's his name, Billy Crystal Slave from Big Boy? George Mirazahn.

George Mirazahn. I don't know that movie. What's it called Big Me? It's called My Giant. Me and My Giant. Yeah, no, I know. He's too big. The thing is, I feel like...

Yeah, look. Here he is right here. Would you add it? That is in your relations with George Miraz. His heart is too big to last too long. He looks like one of those Nordic troll things that you get in Norway from Epcot. Then there it is. Every single episode, every time Henry comes on, there's always that one Epcot mention.

Well, we did, I did talk about country bear jamboree earlier, but that's a magic kingdom. That's a magic kingdom. Epcot. You know why I liked it as a kid? Because you could learn there. Also, I liked it. I was a very exciting little boy. Very exciting.

And I also like the arcade. The arcade that was so good and all the different coax. I like the coax part. That was fun. I like that thing. I like the troll ride. I like a troll ride because there was a drop. Yeah.

And I liked the big ball, but I thought it was scary at first. It was scary because you go down backwards. But you know what? They really fucking called that shit. What? The world of tomorrow? The spaceship Earth. No, that's a great big beautiful tomorrow.

Spaces Earth. And as you go back down backwards, this was in, I mean, when was Space. ship earth made. I don't remember. Jackie. They have video talk where it's like, you know, it's like the people talking, it's like, ma'am, I miss you. And it's like, but I'll be home soon. I mean, it's like face-to-face talking.

Like, he predicted FaceTime. It is really great. That's what I was trying to say. That's what I was trying to say. Honey, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy. And it was a little kid, miss his mom. I'll be home soon. Meanwhile, it's just her getting fucked by another dude in a motel

somewhere over a fucking iPhone. God, it sounds great. Oh, have you guys, uh, watch that new genre of porn that's girls getting fucked while they're on the phone? No. It's weird. The idea of disdain and boredom while getting fucked is not a thing I enjoy seeing. What is it called, though? It's called, like, it's like interrupting thing.

The idea is that you're on the phone pretending like you're not having sex, but you're getting it. What is it called? Like, just, it's like ignored or, I think it's just ignored porn. It's like ignore porn. That's so weird. Ignorn. You don't want to ask. any fun? That sounds like you don't want to have any fun.

It's for people, it's like when we were talking about ruined orgasms where you do that thing, you jerk off the guy and you don't let it finish. And the idea is looking at somebody with staying and then you're supposed to like that. That's right. There's a subreddit called bored and ignored. I'm bored and ignored. Oh, my God. People like it. This new generation.

I want people engaged. Yeah. I want to feel like I'm doing my job. But it's also because I'm an entertainer. I mean, yes, I want them to be entertained. applaud for me. You get a standing ovation afterwards. Get out of the bed.

I don't know. I can't see them. I can't see them. You're digging it scary. It's been only baggy clothing or jackets worn by this A-plus list, mostly movie actor during the shooting of an installment of his franchise. Better to hide the spanks he wears. Fat boy.

Aw, Chris Pratt. No? No, Chris Pratt is an obnoxiously. dieting guy. He is a slave to his body. Good. Good. He should fucking be.

I hope he's punished every single day for the way he looks to the way he's sold out. I like that Anna Ferris thinks that she finds him more attractive fat.

She's like, I married him when he was chubby and I like him better chubby. Think about how preening and full yourself you have to be now where you have to constantly keep your abs going

and mince over all your fucking food. Think of how much money he makes. I know. I think about it every day. All right, we have to, all right, new, so. Franchise. Franchise man, fatter than he's supposed to be.

A lot of stunts. Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise is spanking it. I mean, he's just getting lazy. Even Beyonce wears spanks. I mean, you got, you gotta do it. I'm wearing spank right now, but it's just to keep my shit in. Yeah, that's gumbo's problem.

He's my little watchdog. Higher and tighter, please. And we actually ran. through most of our blind items early. I was just throwing you guys out meat. Oh, you're all like more bunch of fucking seals? No, that would be fish. Yeah. Yeah, we're more like hyenas.

Clever little dog. Jackals, I'd say. Yeah. Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. That's what jackals sound like, hi, high, high, high, high, high, high, high, high, high. They're just introducing themselves. Oh, oh, see, my penis.

Maybe it'll eat your gumbo. No one will. The only other one. that we have. This B-plus list, mostly television actor, was A-minus list before he bailed on his long-running

network hit. His wife reads the tabloids and gossip sites and knows what is going on with his former co-star. This actor doesn't get a moment alone now. Huh.

What a clues. Long-running cop show. He left. She stayed on. Christopher Maloney. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. And I've been seeing them

showing up fucking in the blind items for months now. Oh, yeah. But it seems like the wife finally caught on. That gossip shit will sometimes actually catch up to these people. It does because people read them. Because, you know, also I heard Steve Harvey as having to move. The reason why he's moving Chicago to L.A. for his show is because he can't keep up.

He's having too many affairs and the pressure is starting to build. See, that's one I wouldn't go to. Steve Harvey? Never a Steve Harvey. Well, he's kind of obnoxious. He's an asshole. I actually felt it was very responsible that they released that memo when it comes down to it. He's technically, I imagine, was sick of people talking him.

Yeah. What was the memo? It's saying don't talk to me. It's like a whole scandal because he put out a memo basically all to his staff being like he had an open door policy and he's like people are abusing the policy. They're coming and they're talking to me when I'm in the makeup chair. They're talking to me when I'm walking down the hallway. Everybody's expecting me to entertain them, which I get at some point your job is talking and you're just sick of everybody being on top of you. It was a duchely worded memo.

Yeah, because that sounds like don't talk to me is. Don't talk to me. But I think that's a part of it. What do you say? How do you say don't talk to me? You don't want people to talk to you. Say Steve Harvey's quiet times. We have Steve Harvey's quiet times.

You have a tent. It's a quiet tent. It goes in there. I think that's great. Yeah. If the tent is a rock and do come a knocking. Open door policy. Me and my gumbo.

Me and my gumbo. I wish I wasn't here. Me too. I wish I was gone. Are there two gumbos? That's all we got time for today on page seven. Thank you very much for joining us Henry. Thank you.

All I do is join us. No. Kind of like a hinge of sorts. Yeah, I'm the hinge of the podcast. I'm the go-to. I'm the go-to baby boy. I'm glad you've been here. I have been glad I've been here as well.

Bye, gumbo. Bye. Bye. Give me some cream. Oh, God. Damn. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.