Page 7 - Episode 249: Speaking of Buttocks

Episode Date: April 13, 2018

Jackie, Molly & Marcus talk about Jim Carrey's art, "Jersey Shore Family Vacation" and the mystical art of bottom reading. Want to help the show? Take our confidential survey! goo.gl/forms/K1O5fuaUCL8WlfOQ2 Patreon subscribers get even more hot goss! www.patreon.com/page7podcast Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/ Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What's up, was that, my little tidly winks. It is Jackie here. I got a quick favor to ask of all of you guys today. Thank you so much for listening over the years, but we do need a little bit of your help. You could just fill out the survey that's in the description of the show today, or it's also on my Instagram at Jack That Worm.

That would be awesome. It's only going to take a few seconds. I swear, all of the information is confidential, and we don't take emails or names. That would help us so much. Thank you guys for everything. Love you, love you, love you. Hit it with page seven.

A one and a two and a... It's my life. Bon Jovi doesn't make any sense. It's my life. It is what was in my head when I woke up this morning. I mean, as far as life songs go, it does not hold a candle to Born to Be Alive. Wait, what's born to be alive? I was born.

Born to be alive. Bono be alive. Oh, you're right, you're right. That is definitely one that should be more stuck in my head. I think that just the Bon Jovi song just, you know what? It tickles me every time I think about it. And I got to say, I think in terms of Bon Jovi, living on a prayer is got to be my faith. Yeah, I would say maybe wanted dead or alive I also really like.

That's another alive song. Oh, my God. I love wanted dead or alive so much. I've always wanted to have like a poster of me out like that. I don't think it's fair that there hasn't been. Because I'm a cowboy. I'm still on the steel whole ride. I'm wanting.

Get all alive. Can I say something embarrassing, which is when watching Pay It Forward in the theater twice. Why? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Why? Because my friends were going. A different group of friends was going and asked me if I wanted to go. And I was like, I wanted to hang out with my friends.

So I saw it pay it forward twice. But that's not a movie you go to see with your friends. In middle school. You don't see it twice. I know. It's the worst movie. It's the movie I'm most embarrassed to have seen twice in the theater. I remember, I think that that might be one of the most boring movies of all time up there with Kevin Spacey's K-Pax as well.

I think I'd rather watch K-Pax, honestly. At least then you get to see Kevin Spacey like eat. a banana, but he don't take the skin off because he don't know. Yeah. He's crazy aliens. But I when I was only in eighth grade

to my credit, but I think that Helen Hunt is the mom and her love interest is Bon Jovi and I didn't realize he was Bon Jovi and I thought that he was handsome. And then I realized he was Bon Jovi and then I felt really embarrassed about thinking that he was handsome.

Wait, that's Bon Jovi? I think it's Bon Jovi and pay it forward. I mean, I might be misremembering, but I didn't see the movie twice. I would believe you more than I would believe my own brain. That is for sure. I think it's Bon Jovi. And I don't know. It's a good question.

Why was I so embarrassed that I thought he was handsome? It is Bon Jovi. I think because I associate him, I think, maybe I was being a little judgey. I think he's a little, I think I thought he was a little trashy. He's not trashy. I think I was being, I think my past self was wrong, not only just he pay it forward. twice in the theaters, but also to have felt such shame at my attraction to Bon Jovi.

I mean, come on, this is a star-studded cast. You got Haley Joel Osman. Oh, yeah. Tiny-faced, big, big hand. You got Jay Moore. Jay Moore. I forgot about it. I'm surprised you weren't attracted to Jay Moore, Molly.

Oh, please. That's insulting. I may have terrible taste in men, but... Not your husband. He's beautiful and wonderful. Yes, my husband is great, but no, I've never liked. Jay Moore. I forgot he existed until this second. Yes, me too.

Yes, John Bon Jovi as Ricky McKinney. Hey, Ricky. And concerned Helen Hunt is the mom. Wait, is this the only thing that Bon Jovi's ever, has he ever, has he, has he acted? Is he an actor? He's got an IMDB page. I think, let's see what else is he done. Yeah, why was he in Pay It Forward?

Weird choice. That was. You know what? He was the only thing. He was in the West Wing, an episode of the West Wing as John Bon Jovi. That's different. If I was John Bon Jovi, I'd play myself all the time. He was in an episode of 30 Rock as John Bon Jovi.

Oh, no, he was in four, ten episodes of Allie McBeal as Victor Morrison. Ew. Dancing baby bullshit. She's so thin. What else can I say about Allie McBeal? I mean, I guess that was around the same time. is pay it forward, ish. Ish.

Well, no, it was a few years before, actually. Yeah. Are you not supposed to like John Bon Jovi? I take that back. It's two years after Pay It Forward. Really? Wow. A.A. McBeal was on that long?

Yeah, it was in 2002. Yeah, actually, his first acting job was in 1996 playing Robin Grange in the leading man. Interesting. See, I don't know whether you're supposed to like John Bon Jovi because I have associate, I mean, obviously I had terrible taste. And so I'm not one to the authority here, but I associate him with like hair metal, which I associate as bad. But I might be wrong about both of those associations. He's bordering on hair metal, but it's mostly like, it's pop rock. Pop rock. Oh, yeah. John Bon Jovi's definite pop rock. And we love pop rock. We do.

It's fun. And what's hair metal if Bon Jovi is not hair metal? poison, you know, it's a little sexier. So is John Bon Jovi on a higher, on a more respectable level than Brett Michaels? I don't know. Tell us, Marcus. We don't know, tell us, Marcus. I don't know if I feel qualified to make that judgment, actually.

I feel like I really need to know now, though. Well, Bon Jovi, his acting career started in 96. He did actually have the leading role in one movie. called row your boat. Ew. Yes. Sounds like you're just like masturbating, right? Is that a euphemism for masturbation?

Well, it's... She'll be rowing her own boat, huh? Ain't getting too far. Well, this is the synopsis. James Meadows is a man newly released from prison who has found himself homeless on the crazy streets of New York City. Slowly, he must try to build

his life up from the gutter, resisting constant offers from his brother to rejoin the insidious world of crime. Meadows takes a menial job as a door-to-door census worker. Among his many encounters throughout his job, he meets a young Chinese immigrant who is just as unhappy in her life as he is. These two slowly hit it off, and a relationship gradually begins to develop between them.

I would watch the hell out of this movie. What? He's a census worker. He stars as a former criminal census worker who develops a relationship with, What looks like, I think that's the Asian woman from the crow. What? I will totally watch this movie.

Yes, that is definitely the Asian woman from the crow. I don't think I would watch this movie. I'm throwing that out there. But Molly, please watch it and report back. You will watch every movie. How are you drawing the line of this John Bon Jovi as a census worker trying to not slip back into his criminal past in the Wild Streets of New York? I think I just

I don't know It just it doesn't appeal to me I mean I watch such horrible I watched have you guys heard of Robert And the Toy Maker No See I think you were yelling at me

About this movie when I was in LA last weekend I imagined that I was You were you were Because I remember you were like We fucking you come over tomorrow After you first set in the studio We'll fucking watch Robert and the Toy Maker

Well, because it's a whole It's a whole series of British horror movies based on this doll called Robert. And apparently, well, we just threw it on. House of Zabrowski watched it. And we threw it on because it's like, oh, this looks like a fun, dumb, scary movie. But there's many movies about Robert.

And Robert and the Toymaker is one of the worst movies I've ever seen with the worst. The guy that was the lead in it was also the DP and one of the executive producers. How? How? You have to look at a picture of what this motherfucker looked like in this movie. It's so funny.

It's so funny. His eyebrows. You can't look away. Is it real British? It's just awfully. The hair and makeup are the, it's the worst done I've ever seen. I could do a better job. Way better.

Are you talking about the titular? Toymaker? Oh, I'm talking about the toy maker. Okay. Oh, his name is Lee Bain. Mm-hmm. Is there a Robert? Is it like Chucky? Yeah. And he's got, this, the third one is set in Nazi Germany. And for the first half hour, it's a really intense Nazi scene for absolutely no reason. And it's like 30 minutes of a Holocaust movie before a Dahl horror movie. Yes. And it's got, it has a, it has a That's the worst.

It's like the worst shot movie I've ever seen. Everything is like weird backlit and also up shots. So you just see the underneath of people's chins the entire time. But also that makes sense because the DP was the lead. The director of photography. Yes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He wasn't looking at shit, man.

He was just looking at how bad his eyebrows looked. God, this guy has been in this one dude, he does nothing but star in horror movies and presumably also be the DP in him. And just a couple. of years he was in cabin 28, Robert and the toy maker Werewolves of the Third Reich The Revenge of Robert the Doll

and so far coming out this year he's got Jurassic Predator The Legend of Halloween Jack The House on Cello Drive which I would assume is about the Manson family and Alcatraz Island All whilst being

both the director of photography and the lead he's got a lot going on Whatever this company is that they have, I think it's like a trauma kind of thing. It seems like it. It very much seems like a trauma thing. Yeah. And also the person that did the hair and makeup for Robert and the Toymaker was also in the movie as well. So it made sense of, I don't know why he had a bald cap on that was barely on.

But also his hair, I believe, was made out of it. It looked like the spider webs. You get it like Joanne Fabrics that you just like pull apart. That's what his hair. looks like. So are you talking about did you see revenge of Robert the doll when the whole thing's just on a train? No.

It's still fighting Nazis but it's all on a train. So like Snow, so like Snowpiercer but with a doll and Nazis. Chuckie meets Snowpiercer meets Schindler's list. Now, if that's how the movie was pitched, of course. Sign me up. Yeah.

That's the elevator pitch. I've got three films for you. if you have seen them. I mean, it does sound like a bet where someone just gave like three completely different movies and said, make it. Yeah, like an improv game or something where you have to draw three films from a hat

and then combine them. But that's the problem, though, is it's very difficult. We were trying to find the original Robert. It's hard to find. I think it's like that low budget. It's not even on Shudder. Ooh, it's on Shudder.

Yeah, and everything is on Shudder. Shudder's got some weird shit, dude. Yeah, Shutter's got some real weird shit. It's great, though. It's a good way to spend a night. Really? It's like the horror movie subscription service. It's like an Amazon thing, but it's only horror movies.

It's got some real weird shit. Yeah, I don't know if I'm ready for that. Also, what I find weird about the Shutter app is that when you open it up, there's all these trailers that are playing behind it. So you're constantly, it's just people, like, the sounds of people being murdered and shit as you're searching. And I feel like, I think they do it on purpose. it's very unsettling. I feel like I have slipped into,

and appropriately perhaps for the company I've met, I have slipped in the last year, really slipped hard into a true crime thing. So I think I got to just start obsessively listening the last podcast, as I've already started doing, but more often, but like, I feel like now I just really, I told you, like a little bit ago,

I started reading about Ted Bundy, and now I just like read lists about serious, killers to fall asleep and I've become one of those people that I know that you are very familiar with. It's weird. I'm really wondering what's happening to the world right now because it's happening to everyone. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's dark world we're living in. Yeah. That scares me. Mom, the baby. I know. Well, at first, like, you know, I was always down for like the Oklahoma City stuff and the kind of like the more political things. But now I'm like, tell me about what the serial killers did. And I never used to be like that. Where were the bite marks on her buttes?

Oh my God Speaking of buttocks I went down a bit of a That's my name, Hole recently And it's really, it's very weird The name Jackie has been all around me lately Because that's my name

So I'm not just like looking at forms Or writing down my name, it's other things I've been following Sylvester Stallone On Instagram which you should do He's very inspirational and it's a lot of fun But through that I also started following Jackie Stallone and why I said speaking of buttocks

Did you look up her face? Sorry, I just looked up a picture of Jackie Stallone. Her face is horrifying and I know I keep making jokes about how I'm going to get all of the plastic surgery and get all of the Botox, and I know that you're supposed to start Botox now because you've got to get the pre-Botox. But her face should be plastered everywhere

of why you should not do these things. Is she the wife? She is the mother. Mother. You want to see a picture? Yes, please. Ooh. Oh!

Oh my God! She looks like she's wearing someone else's face. Yes, oh, her lips. Also, the way that she talks to, I looked it up to make sure that I wasn't, like, making fun of someone that had a stroke. It's just that her face is so filled with shit that she can barely, she cannot move it at all,

and it looks like it's made with Plato. It looks heavy. Yes, it does look heavy. So she is an, I started, I went down a crazy fucking wormhole about her because she worked with Glow, and she was, she, like, taught wrestling. She was a big, like, exercise instructor. She created her own, like, women's only line of gyms.

But she also is a psychic that coined the term rumpology. Which, if you can imagine what rumpology is, you are correctos. Does it have to do with psychic? Like, is it, is it your butt will tell you things about your future? It's also known as bottom reading. Oh, yeah, baby. She created this whole thing. It's reading your ass like a tarot card.

Yep. It is a pseudoscience akin to physiognomy performed by examining crevices, dimples, warts, mules, and folds of a person's buttocks. We're not talking like anuses, though, just like the outer butt. Are they talking about, do they go into the actual anus? It's not anuses. It's more the action. It's just the butt. And I believe, I think that it's the, they look at the butt and they're, the each ass cheek

represents each side of the hemispheres of the brain. So your actual crack is like the middle part of your brain that divides the two. And Jackie Stallone says that rumpology is known to have been practiced in ancient times by the Babylonians, the Indians, and the ancient Greeks and Romans, although she provides no evidence or sources for this. They really should miss a big opportunity by not calling it astronomy. Oh, Molly! Yay!

Come on! But seriously, rumpology is corny as hell. There's so many fun words for ass, you know? I mean, I guess maybe she should say, because she was doing it on, like, infomercials and shit, so I imagine she couldn't say astronomy, but astronomy is definitely what it should be called. I mean, so it's parallel, like, my own left, or it's not like, stage. right and stage left where it's flipped. It's like my own left ass is connected to my own left brain.

I would say so, yeah. Yeah. Well, there's another one out there, another rumpologist out there. One of the biggest ones is a blind German named Ulf Beck. And he says, an apple-shaped muscular bottom indicates someone who is very charismatic, dynamic, very confident, and often creative, a person who enjoys life. A pear-shaped bottom suggests someone very steadfast, patient. and down to earth.

See, also, I find it very upsetting because we all know I've got a very tiny flat ass, and I'm trying to squat my way into making it bigger. But it says the flatter your ass, the more negative and sad your life is. And rather vain. But that's the opposite. Wouldn't a big, lustrous ass be the vain ones? Like, I try to hide my ass. I'm ashamed of it.

A round bottom indicates the person is open, happy, and optimistic. So I am the most open, happy, and optimistic person here. Yeah, yeah, I'm pretty open, happy, and optimistic. I think one of my favorite things is that it's not just held, it's not just for humans, because Jackie Stallone has predicted the outcome of presidential elections and Oscar awards by reading the bottoms of her two pet Dopperman Pinchers. Okay, but in that case, it's got to be. What got ass meat do they have?

And I look, when I'm petting Wendy's little cute belly, and I take her little legs and I call them her little chicken thighs, because they look like little chicken thighs. Like, I'm going to go read that. I don't want to read her ass meat. Yeah, dogs don't really have a butt. They have an asshole, and then they have legs, you know, and they have like a, like a, the back area that you pat where their tail is,

but they don't have, like, ass cheeks. Jackie, you can drive down to Santa Monica and get your ass. red. I'm checking out her website right now. Yeah. Well, her PO box is in Santa Monica, but you can she puts both her telephone and her fax number on her website. Just wait for her at the PO box and then, and then

confront her. Oh my God, I have to. Because also they say they'll do digital copies of your ass as well, so maybe I'll just fax her a picture of my ass. Ooh, the crack is called the gluteal cleft. Ugh. My gluteal cleft is very high up.

I mean, it's basically, it goes up to like the middle of my back. I have seen your gluteal clef many a time. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's out. It's large and in charge. But what I don't, but then what are they, I wish I could find out more about my ass crack

because I feel like that's one of my most defining features. Hmm. Well, you know, it does, Jackie does say that people with very long. That's my name. Jacqueline says that. Well, that's also my name. That's also my name.

Mrs. Stallone. says that people with very long gluteal clefts are often lawyers. That is the opposite of my job. You're a lawyer with a lot of negative energy. That's exactly what I think about. That's what you're getting me. Oh man.

And the picture that she uses as an example as like, this is the type of picture you should send for your rump. It's like a dude's hairy asshole. Bear. You bear hairy. I mean, you can kind of see the but it's like you can see his balls a little bit. I'll show it to you.

Oh, my God. That is an ass. Like, it's. He's like a bent over bare ass. It's not attractive in the least bit. So, are you going to send your ass to her? But that's what I don't understand is that you have to bend over to get your ass red because, I mean, my ass is very different when I stand up than when I'm bent over. I don't think you're going to have to, like, call her.

And ask all the ins and outs. When you said that she'll do it via a digital copy, for some reason, it just made me think that you have to do it by sitting on a copy machine. I think you kind of have to, right? And then send it, you have to, like, get a job in an office so that you can prank the office by taking a photo copy of your ass and then send it to Jackie Stallone.

I can't imagine trying to take, like, a selfie or, you know, a butsy of my ass. My arms aren't long enough. Well, if you do send a rump imprint to Jacqueline Stallone, you can find out if your future is going, quote, ass backwards. Yay! There's the ass pun I've been waiting for. She only has one.

In the whole website, just one ass pun. Are her rates on the website, or is it kind of a find out? Okay, examples. Jewish print. More asses? Well, it's like, it just, there's a lot of asses, but it alternates between like super hot woman and hairy banker ass. I mean, there's all different kinds of ass, Marcus.

Like it goes through like Hollywood jiggleow. It's like, all right, that's a, that's a nice man ass. A smooth man ass. And then it goes a Jewish princess, which is a very nice lady's ass. That's very judgmental to say that. Can it just be it? It's just an ass. It's just an ass.

Yeah, I don't think we should like racialize the ass. And then a super hairy Fortune 500 CEO ass. Although I got to say that man's ass is really like robust. It's a very robust ass, but it is extremely hairy. I do bet you $100 that that man is not a Fortune 500 millionaire or whatever the fuck they called her. That horrific ass that I talked about earlier, that's a male action hero movie star. Which one? I don't know.

Do you think it's Sylvester Stallone? No, Sylvester Stallone's got to have a better ass than that one. Sylvester, honey, come over so I can photograph your ass for the website. Gabbah. Got there. Yeah. Wow, a total Rumpology report, $600. Worth every fucking penny.

I am on board. But if you want to go budget, you can just get your left or your right for $300 each. Yeah, but how do you just do one? Yeah, how am I supposed to find out half myself? That's not even, you know, I'm searching for truths here. And if you just want to do the crack, that's $2.50. See, that's what I'm into. I want to get my crack red.

So you could probably afford $250. I could do that. I could do it to get my crack red for sure. God. Actually, I think it's very possible that at this point in our lives, we could probably get our cracks red and ride it off as a business. You think so? Oh my God, that's great. Let's write it off. If you ever get audited, you're like, okay, so I can explain.

Oh my God, I'm in a business expense my crack report. I can't fucking wait, dude. My ultimate goal is just to go, if she's in Santa Monica, go find her, befriend her, and then she'll read my ass for free, right? free labor, you know, I feel like you got to pay. It's a service she's providing. Yeah, I think you're just being a scammer here. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, all right.

Okay. But if she just keeps telling me I'm going to be a lawyer, I don't know. I think I'm going to end the ass report early. Well, you used to be able to order, like, the ass report kits online, but apparently Zodiac Health and Beauty has discontinued all ass reporting. So is it that your shape of your ass report? determines what you're going to be like in life? Like, oh, this ass has you predestined to, like,

have the type of personality that becomes a banker? Well, your left-ass cheek, that's your past. Your right-ass cheek, that's your future. Oh, I would definitely get my right cheek then red. If I got to choose one, I want to know the future. I don't give a fuck about the past. I know what happened in the past. Well, the crack, that's your personality.

Interesting. I just wonder how, like, I just imagined her sitting down and be like, all right, all right, all right. Yeah, I don't know. Crack. Yeah. Personality. The longer, the more boring. Okay, sure.

Just like her with like a legal pad. Well, I don't know. I mean, did she start Rumpology? She did. She coined the phrase. Really? Mm-hmm. In the 90s when she was doing all of her astronomy shit.

astronomy. God, Molly, you're so good. So this is not a greater tradition that she has just tapped into. She has really, I mean, other than that they used to do it in ancient Rome or whatever.

Yeah, she definitely just made that up. But, you know, she's fucking on top of her shit. And also, her rouge game is strong. Mm-hmm. Her lip game is stronger. Oof. I don't know.

It's a little, I'm going to say pouty. It's a little pouty. She looks like she's made out of Play-Doh. She looks like she was put through one of those, like when you make the food out of Plato, like when you put it in like the spaghetti. The spaghetti maker. Make a meatball. It's like, someone make this woman a face.

And then it was like, it looks like it was left vertically to dry and it wasn't, it didn't dry fast enough. It wasn't set. Yeah. It's rough. It's rougher. Well, there's a lot of fucking rough things going on right now. Jim Carrey's artwork.

Ech. So sick of this. It's so weird, man. So I guess he's been doing this for a long time. And shit just came out about it today because he's doing all these like politically charged ones or whatever. Oh, these have been going on for weeks and weeks now. It's like all of the super left wing media is like, check out Jim Carrey's new painting of Jim Pompeo. And it's like, ugh. It's like, you don't believe that.

The painting that Jim Carrey did today based on the president's tweet. And it's just so fucking annoying. I don't know why it's so annoying, but it's horrifically annoying because it keeps getting put right there next to news. Yeah, I guess my feeling about the Jim Carrey paintings is that I keep, I care exactly as much as I care about the George W. Bush painting. Yeah. Which is zero percent. Personally, I think George W. Bush is a better painter. Well, they have very different.

But, you know, I like Britney Spears as well. But, you know, I like Britney Spears's artwork. I would see I'm more interested in Britney Spears's artwork and I feel like they have different approaches like George W. Bush is like just painting dogs or whatever and Jim Carrey. Don't forget about the feet. And Jim Carrey is getting political and I think that I probably have, you know, overall more positive feelings about Jim Carrey than about George W. Bush. Better memories, yes. Less war associations. But at the same time, I just don't. I just find myself not caring enough that this is, I don't know, I'm not sure if my problem is with visual art in general,

but I'm like, I don't want to look at your paintings. Yeah. It's boring. That's exactly what it is. Like, I don't want to look at your amateur fucking art. Yeah. No, of course I don't want to. Nobody.

And Jim Carrey's also a piece of shit. Yeah. Yeah. You know, although I really like that Jim and Andy documentary, but in watching it, it just, and I, of course, we all love Jim Carrey growing up. up for sure. Yeah.

But, and the documentary was very interesting, but can you imagine how fucking annoying that was that they couldn't even get him on set because he was so in character and I guess that's great and I guess that's wonderful. However, go to set. You got to do your fucking job, dude. It's so, like, watching that documentary, I was just getting so annoyed where it's like, drop it, dude. Be a person.

You're also a person, you know? Yeah, especially now. I feel like if you were Jim Carrey then, it's like, all right, you were Jim Carrey then, but now it's like, okay, you got to settle down. Yeah, yeah, settled out, dude. Although, I mean, I still do love when he went to the fashion week. He was like, I wanted to go to the most meaningless thing, and this is where I am, which it is kind of an asshole statement, but it is kind of fun.

Yeah, it's kind of fun. I guess they's Jim Carrey's just, he's kind of fun. Yeah. But not in like the Ben Kistle, like, that's kind of fun. Like in just like the kind of like media, like, eh. It's like I guess. Nah, I guess so. Yeah.

That's fine. But I did love him, love him, love him growing up. for sure. Yeah, me too. Oh yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. I feel like if you were the right age, he was like, that's what like I thought all comedy

was. He's the funniest person on earth. Yeah. Although actually I was thinking about him about the Fashion Week thing because I watched an episode of Project Runway Jr. I'm so mad about it. I'm so mad about it. You know what?

You know what? They're kids. They're not good. good enough at it yet. That's why you worked so long about it. And then they go up and I know that's great. You should encourage the youth, yada, yada, yada. But also with all these teenagers, if my mom

was telling me and like suck up my cock and telling me how great I was my entire life, you think I'd be anything? And they go up there with this shit. Some of them were making fine things. But most of them were shit and they're just like, you are great at it. You've got a great

future head. It's like, no you fucking don't. This is garbage. But that's just, I'm sorry, that's a mini rant that I just went on. Although I still, I've you been watching the, uh, uh, uh, uh, a, what's it called? Little big shots? Not never. I watched 10 minutes of little big shots last week and I thought of you the whole time.

Why did you do that? I was waiting for something else to come on. I feel like maybe I was waiting for 60 minutes to come on or something. Uh, but it's just the best thing about Little Big Shot. is that Steve Harvey just stands on the side of the stage, like in the wings and makes faces. Like I was watching when some kids were doing like one of those Cirque de Soleil kind of trapeze things with the cloth, you know? And so they were like falling. It was like scary because they're watching these kids and they weren't really falling, but you think they're going to fall.

And Steve, I just, every fucking five seconds, these kids are doing their really amazing art risk performance. And it would cut to Steve Harvey who's just like, wha! Like doing like a cloud face. So I think you might like it, Jackie. I think if I might like it. I would, if I could just watch Steve Harvey watching the children do it, then I would watch that solely. It's definitely like 35% that. Yeah.

I do love watching Steve Harvey being disillusioned. Yeah. I really love that. Yeah. Just, I mean, you should really just look up multiple compilations of Steve Harvey doing things on YouTube. I've watched so many compilations of him just being like, what? Him holding on for dear life with his arm up in the air

and just being like, whoa! And every time, especially on Family Feud, anytime someone says something sexual and he's just like, what you doing? It's fantastic. Look up those compilations, please. It will entertain you for hours. Even better than that, find the compilations

of Steve Harvey being disappointed in Family Feud contestants. Oh, that's good too. Yeah, yeah. There's one called I Don't Want to Do This Show No More. It's pretty great. What kids' show were you about to yell at? Master Chef Jr.?

Master Chef Jr. It was Master Chef Jr. Have you been watching it? No, I should because, you know, everyone says that Gordon Ramsey's nice in it. And I watched a little bit of the last one, but I just haven't gotten around to it this year. I was too busy watching Kids Baking Championship And then I missed the final episode And it's not online anywhere

It's not on demand I don't think anybody on Earth was watching it but me And I don't know which kid won That's upset Molly You gotta figure this shit out I know. Do you want me to look it up? Yeah, kids baking championship please Which season? There are four seasons

The most recent one Okay, season four Season four Molly you have to watch Master Chef Jr. I know everybody says that it's really wonderful It is and you know and you know I hate, well, I just hate watching kids sing. But watching them cook is very cute.

Because that's the, I mean, at least with Kids Bacon Championship, the kids are actually really good cooks. They're good at it. They're very good at it. They're made a fucking Beef Wellington. It's like, I can't make a fucking Beef Wellington. Who won? The winner, Lindsay.

Oh, good. She deserved it. They were all great. I would have been happy with anybody who had won, honestly. Runners up were Abby and Alex. Uh-huh. Okay, Alex is a little Canadian boy. Well, all right, so thank you.

And I'll tell Gideon. We've been wondering who won. Followed by Bryn, Julia, Luke, Aditya, Salele, Beverly. Beverly. Beverly. Beverly was a really, really dorky Jewish girl who Gideon was, like, absolutely charmed by. Oh, my God, that's so cute. What about Grady?

Grady was like There was a couple of boys That came from like hunting families Who were like boys but who baked And I liked I was like all right boys do your thing You know How do you name a child Grady and not always think of the shining though Yeah exactly

Yeah that's the first thing that comes to mind Yeah or like an old man making biscuits Ew that just makes me think of an old man doing what cats do When they make when they use their paws and make biscuits on you And so when an old man starts making biscuits on me, oh, man, I'm going to punch an old man. I let me just go out here and make some biscuits on you. Get some fucking teeth.

Well, Kids Baking Championship, I really should watch Master Chef Jr. Because Kids' Baking Championship is hosted by Ace of Cakes, Duff, whatever the hell is last thing is. Duff Goldman. Duff Goldman. And Valerie Bertinelli. And I cannot stand either of them. And I feel like I might want the attitude of Gordon Ramsey because Valerie Bertnelli, I'm just like, I never watched Facts of Life or whatever the, she was like in, whatever 80, I don't even know if it was Facts of Life. Whatever 80s show she was in that people who are Gen X love her very much.

And I'm just like, who is this lady? Why is she so condescending? I think I don't like Valerie Bertinelli. I don't think I like her. One day at a time. One day at a time. Thank you. And touched by an angel.

Oh, really? Yeah. Apologies to Gen Xers. I know that that's probably a big mistake that I just made doing Facts of Life instead. But, yeah, I just feel like she also has a cooking. You were thinking of Leah Rameenie, though, right, on Facts of Life? Was Lea Rameenia on Facts of Life? Right?

I know who you're thinking of on Facts of Life, because they both got the really squinty eyes. I know who you're thinking of on FACTSA. Ler Mee? Ler Mee was on Save by the Bell, the Beach episodes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was Stacey Carosy. That's not what I'm thinking of because I never watched Save By the Bell, because that's what. creep as do.

Sorry, Molly. Wow, this might be the area where we diverge the most. It is. I think you're thinking of Lisa Wedchel or maybe Charlotte Red. No, not Charlotte Ray. I think my problem is that all the 80s sitcoms kind of blend together for me, except growing pains because of Leo DiCaprio. I know that one well.

This show was weird, though. The Facts of Life? Yeah, facts of life. I watch it sometimes during lunch breaks on the sitcom channel. What is it? It's called Laf, L-A-F-F. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's one of the satellite channels, not satellite, excuse me, antenna channels that we get here in New York City because I don't need no TV sides antenna.

And yes, so I'll watch an episode or two of Facts of Life during my lunch breaks at home. And it's a weird show. I just feel like we really figured out sitcoms in the 90s, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we find, although at the same time, it's like you got like cheers. Although I did another, that's my name, I did just start watching original Roseanne from the beginning because I watched the new, like the new Roseanne for the first episode,

which was interesting. But I don't know how I feel about it. I think I got to watch more of it. Have you watched any of it yet? Uh-uh. No. But I'm going down the rabbit hole of watching the original Roseanne, and you know what?

It's very fucking funny. It's very good. That I think is a good investment. I don't think I'm going to. watch the new one, but I do think that the old one is canon for a good reason. Yeah. I mean, honestly, I think I want to marry Dan. Hmm, that makes sense.

Yeah, I'm very much so. I think I'm completely in love with him. It's difficult. I'm, like, insanely attracted to John Goodman in the show, and I can't, I know, I've never been attracted to John Goodman, not, like, to this extent. So, whoa, is he probably, like, 35 during that show? I guess, maybe, right? Weird to think about.

Mid-90s? He's looking old, though. Homeboys getting old. It's weird to think that like, yeah, those characters in Roseanne were like, you know, our age. Our age. Oh, my God. That's fine. That's fine.

We're not behind in life. Everything's going to be fine. He was 36 when that show started. Really? Yeah. So it's. It's not inappropriate for you to be attracted to John Goodman in the first season of Roseanne in any way whatsoever. Hubba, hubba.

I'm going to come fix my sink and tell you what. Making that boat and talking about being on the boat and fucking on the boat. And you know what? I'm glad they fuck in the show. I appreciate it. They don't fuck in the show, but, you know. Right. I'm glad they still fuck.

But also with a bunch of, I guess, no fucking. I started also watching Jersey Shore family vacation. And I'm not ashamed. Oh, are you not? This is the new one, right? Oh, it's the new one. The originals? It's most of the originals, except for Sammy's sweetheart, because of everything with her and Ron.

You know, they broke up. But they're all, for the most part, most of them have kids, and all of the women's faces are completely different. They don't even look like the same people. Hmm. It's insane. But also, did you watch Jersey Shore? I only, not, I like, no, not really. I have a familiarity with the cast and the bit, but no, I didn't really watch it.

No, I never watched it either. I mean, I was aware of Snooky in the situation and... Jay Wow. Jay Wow, but... The situation's going to jail! Oh, really? Oh, he's going to jail. For what?

Tax evasion. Wow. But the first episode, he's like, I'm not going to be able to go. You know, I've got this trial. the sentencing hasn't happened yet but he's going to jail but the judge allowed him to go do the show before he goes to jail

Wow Isn't that weird? You know what? I'm going to say good on the judge I think good on the judge But I'm also quite surprised Very surprised A little confused

Yeah let the men make a little bit of money Before he goes to jail for tax evasion Yeah Tax evasion It always upsets me when I hear people go to jail for that I'm like, just take their money. Yeah. Right?

I don't understand. I mean, I don't understand anything about our legal system, even though my ass crack does say that I should be a lawyer. But I don't get the whole tax evasion thing. And also, he's sober in the show, which is very funny. I can't imagine. That's why Snooky came out saying, like, I think that he's going to be great in jail because if he could be sober around all of us in a house,

he's going to be great at it. Yeah. I mean, that's part of the thing. When the Jersey Shore was coming back, I was like, I cannot watch this show sober. Like, I need to wait until I could get drunk to watch the show. Although, I mean, I watched it sober and I had a wonderful time. But I also had watched almost all of the original Jersey Shore as well. Yeah.

Yeah, I kind of love it. I just, I love anything that goes back to like the original, like, real world kind of shit where it's like, yeah, they got the smush room and they just, they all, well, they used to all just fuck all the time. And now they're not fucking because they all have like husbands and wives. and kids. Yeah. So it's just all, it's mostly just watching older people really hungover. That's just a natural progression with your group with your friends.

You know, yeah, we used to get super drunk. Now we all got wives and kids and now when we get real drunk, it really hurts the next day. Yeah, when I was in L.A. last weekend, like we went out and had like five beers and we were fucking wrecked the whole next day. until we went out and had a lot more. I mean, we can still rally and all that. But yeah, five beers, we were just fucking wrecked. Yeah. It's pretty sad.

So that's why I feel like it makes me feel like I'm old now watching it. Because it's like when I was that age watching Jersey Shore, I was just as fucked up as they were. I just, you know, I also was in college fucking in a hot tub. But they, you know, it's sad. It's kind of sad. I'm watching it, though. I'll let you guys know how it goes. All right, it's time for the L.

Who's on the list? Mark us, got to have that list. Celebrities that you didn't know had Cherokee blood. Oh, my God. Hell yeah, man. Sound the war drums. Or maybe we should say celebrities who claim to have Cherokee blood. Although maybe they got the 20, what is it, 23 and me?

Have you got that done? I have. I did get, I did, I got 23 of me done, you know, and I've been growing up for years, you know, here like, oh, yeah, you know, we got Cherokee on this side and Cherokee on that side. 100% European. Whoa, Marcus. 100%. I think, like, 75, specifically, like 75% British. Do they itemize the European?

They do. Yeah, they itemize the European, but yeah, it's like there's like a little bit of Greek, like, 1.3% Greek, but almost, and like 17%, what is it, the rest of Europe, like German and France and all that, but almost all of it is English and Irish. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I am British through and through. I'm 1% Japanese.

Ooh, really? Interesting. Also, yeah, 1% of African descent. And they said it's from back in the slave era. So, I don't know what was going on over there, but it made its way here to law. The uncomfortable thing about 23 of me is like whatever those really small percentages are, almost certainly involve, like, horrific violations. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It probably wasn't good. Well, you don't know. I like to think that there's some love. Could have been some great love stories, but unfortunately. It was love making across the continents, Molly. History might have us guess that it was not a mutually consensual love story. I choose love. Cameron Diaz claims to be part Cherokee.

Because her mother claims to be German Cherokee. German Cherokee? German Cherokee? Like hyphenated? Or it's like they had Cherokees out in Germany? Hyphenated. German Cherokee, yes. Okay, fair enough.

Maybe, but also part iguana as well. But that's just in the tent area. Now, this one is actually true. Jimmy Hendricks was, his grandfather was Cherokee. So yeah, Jimmy Hendricks had quite a bit of the Native American. Interesting. Hell yeah. Why is it, I wonder why it's Cherokee.

There must be some sort of actual anthropology reason. There's a very, it's a very good reason because the Cherokees were the tribe that integrated themselves into white society the most. Oh, okay. Back in like Georgia and like that area, they were actually very quick history lesson. Please. They actually were the ones that assimilated the most into white society. Like a lot of them converted to Christianity.

They all wore, like, you know, Western clothes. they, but they were still like kind of separated. But then when gold was found on the land that they were very much settled in, that's when, what is it, Andrew Jackson said, your ass is going on the trail of tears. You're yawning right now. She's pregnant, Marcus. I was wrapped.

I was yawning, but I was wrapped. But the reason why is because they're the tribe that was the most assimilated in a wide society. So therefore, that's why so many people say I am part Cherokee because that is, the most likely lineage that people would have. See, that's great because I just assumed it was because people could only name one. Only new charity. Yeah. And so I'm glad that there's actually a reason why they...

There's a very real historical reason. Okay, great. That was a very helpful history lesson. I'm sorry, I'm through it. Willie Nelson, actually, and he actually does lend his celebrity to Native American causes by headlighting a benefit concert. So he uses his for good. Yeah. I support everything that guy does.

Uh, yeah. And there's one that we already knew. Share. Oh, man. Oh, is she? She's got a whole half-breed song about it. But that's the thing is that it's the best as like her mother reportedly had Cherokee blood.

Yeah, you know, you never, you know, I believe in her. I take her at her word, you know. Yeah. Mama Mia, here we go again. Oh, fuck. I forgot to bring up my new catchphrase. So sumi. Ah, yeah.

We were saying that. So Sumi. Everywhere. It's so annoying. Yeah, yeah. I've been wearing mesh. So sumi. I am obsessed with So Suomi.

I think it's so fucking funny. I mean, she thinks it's funny, so sue her. All right, it's time for blind items. Oh, we can't see them. Only got one this week because the blind items have been scant lately. It's, you know, it's still kind of cold outside. You know, we're in that weird area between spring and summer, so no one's really getting into too much trouble. Also, especially, even just celebrity news in general is slow because.

fucking Chloe Kardashian had her baby and her baby daddy cheated on her and that's all anyone is talking about. That's it. That's it. It's just like, give me a break. Back. Yeah. Also, all those Kardashians had their kids within like three months of each other. Planned. Yeah.

Yeah. But that's the thing. I think it was a bad plan because they're flooding the market. Yeah. It's too much. I just, it's overload. It's K overload. I can't fucking handle it.

Anyway, please. Here we go. This Canadian-born former A-plus, singer who's still a plus to us needs to update her excuses. Lyme disease is so five years ago. Just confess that you got plastic surgery and it messed up you're singing.

Selim Dion. No, but you're close. Didn't she have Lyme disease? You're somewhat close. There's actually a couple of Canadians with Lyme disease. Wow, is it all the woods? Is that their problem? There's a whole thing.

Carolina, my girlfriend, she got Lyme disease in Canada. Wow. She got better. She got rid of it because we caught it quick. But yeah, she got fucking Lyme disease in Vancouver. How? Yeah. Fucking ticks.

They're everywhere. Yeah. They're everywhere. Yeah. It's Canada. Places a whole country full of Lyme disease. Shania Twain. Yes.

Yeah. Fuck her. Oh, girl, she's allowed to. Come on. She feels like a woman. Get all the plastic surgery you want. Just don't become Jackie. That's my name's Stallone.

That's it. I don't know. know if I knew that Chenaya Twain was Canadian, but I must have because we've talked about her so much on the show. We've definitely mentioned that Chenai Twain's Canadian. Yeah. So tiny. So small.

So it's smaller than you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because we went to the Country Music Hall of Fame in Nashville last year, and there was a whole Chenaya Twain dress exhibit.

And they were, I mean, it was like a little girl dresses. Like, I think she's like 4-11 or 5-1. Maybe that's why she needs to feel like a woman. Man. I just imagine her going into the doctor and the doctor when he's telling her she's got Lyme disease. She's like, oh, uh-oh, you've got Lyme disease. Very sorry to say it, but, uh-oh, you got Lyme disease. Man, I feel like I got Lyme disease.

Let's go, Ticks. I've got Lyme disease. That don't impress me much. And that's all we got for today's page seven. Thank you very much for listening, as you do every week. Yeah, and please check out our Patreon page. If you would like to, just patreon.com slash page seven podcast. We got a bunch of great goodies up there for you.

Molly's also started releasing videos that are making fun a goop, which is fantastic. I'm having fun. I'm having fun. I really am. I've got my blood pressure up. It's good for my help. Please follow me at Instagram at Jack That Worm.

And Molly? I'm at MJK. Elcat, and I did get some followers from last week. Thanks, guys. I know. Yeah. I'm at Marcus Parks for everything.

Hell yeah. We love you guys. I've been posting a lot of Robocop 2 cards lately. I like your Instagram style. Thank you. Thank you. I also like your style, Jackie, and your prose style.

Your writing style is very good. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. that I love you guys very much. Love you. See you next week. Bye. Everybody, yeah, rock your body.

Yeah, everybody, rock your body right here. Patreon shoutouts right now. Hell yeah. I just knocked that out of the park. Just wanted to say thank you guys so much for your Patreon. I love you so much

and I just can't do it without you and neither could the backstreet boys as much as they want to pretend like they could. I love you, I love you, let's get rolling, baby. We got Bree!

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Girl on a mission, Megan on a mission, Remington Rock. Fuck, yeah, good name. I feel like I'd be scared to meet you in a back alley, but also I'd like to meet you in a back alley. You know what I mean? Melissa Mobley. Sarah. Joey Dalla. R. B. Black.

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Diane Cannelly I want to say thank you guys so much for everything that you do and listen into the show over the years we can't do it without you and please if you'd like to become a patron

visit patreon.com slash page 7 podcast we really appreciate it and I love you I love you I love you I think I might like it Am I horny today? I think this sounds like I'm horny today. Guys, when am I not?

I love you. We'll talk to you next week.