Page 7 - Episode 251: Braff Hole

Episode Date: April 27, 2018

Jackie, Molly & Marcus discuss McDonald's mascots, Zach Braff, and the passing of Verne Troyer. Visit http://theblacktux.com/page7 for $20 off your purchase. Got to http://stamps.com click on the Radio Microphone and enter PAGE7 for a 4 week trial. Want to help the show? Take our confidential survey! goo.gl/forms/K1O5fuaUCL8WlfOQ2 Patreon subscribers get even more hot goss! www.patreon.com/page7podcast Surf Shimmy, Samba Isobel, Whiskey on the Mississippi Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed un Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What's up, was that, my little tidly winks. It is Jackie here. I got a quick favor to ask of all of you guys today. Thank you so much for listening over the years, but we do need a little bit of your help. You could just fill out the survey that's in the description of the show today, or it's also on my Instagram at Jack That Worm.

That would be awesome. It's only going to take a few seconds. I swear, all of the information is confidential, and we don't take emails or names. That would help us so much. Thank you guys for everything. Love you, love you, love you. Hit it with page seven.

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. This episode is brought to you by the black tucks and stamps.com. This one goes out to Vern Troier. Oh, I feel so real lying here with no one near, only you. Come on, guys, and you can hear me when I say song. R-IP, Vern Troier, 28. He's so small, and he couldn't fit the booze inside of him. My name's Marcus Parks, and I was genuinely touched by the death of Vern Troier.

My name is Molly Neffel. I was also genuinely touched and embarrassed to realize just now that I only know the words to Tiny Dancer that go, hold me closer tiny dancer and not the red. And I also thought forever that it was lay me down in sheets of leather. That's why this is a learning experience. for all of us today. My name is Jackie Zabrowski and I was also touched

by the death of Vern Troier. It just made me so sad because it's like as a fellow, you know, I mean not, he went, he was suffering of depression and suicidal tendencies. However, it's just like, I know how much booze I put in my body. And the amount of booze he put in his body

it's like, that ain't no good, dude. Is that a sentimental thought? That ain't no good, dude. That ain't no good, dude. We'll be doing that, dude. A lot of celebrities have pictures of themselves with Vern Troyer is another thing I learned this week.

Oh, yeah, a lot of celebrities. And there's a lot of good. There was a lot of one really fun gifts of him doing really fun things like Tesla. Like Tesla, like Tesla gave him a mini Tesla. And there was a video of him driving around his driveway and having fun. He's just so great. What I didn't know is that Vern Troyer starting out his acting career as the stunt double in, Molly, this is for you, Baby's Day Out. Really?

Wow. He was a stunt double in Baby's Day Out. I would love to see that B-roll. That would be a lot of fun. Interesting. It's very sad. I mean, yeah, it's possible that this is a suicide. So, you know, if you're feeling bad or if you're feeling like you're having some issues,

be sure to reach out to someone, please. Yeah, yeah, I actually didn't realize that. And it seems like also, right, one of the things about Vern Troier is that, and perhaps this fact about Baby's Day Out shows, it's really fucking hard to be, a person with a different kind of body and be an actor because all sorts of the roles that you will be offered and the kind of way that you'll be presented will be kind of limited.

And Jackie, I know you like this. Did you know he was in Wishmaster? I did know he was in Wish. What is your wishes? Because I remember watching that one and being like, is that Vern Troier? He also played.

a Sunday in the wacky adventures of Ronald McDonald's scared silly. Wait, you mean an actual, like, ice cream Sunday? Ice cream Sunday, yeah, it just says Sunday. Man, I would give anything to be able to play the hamburger. But I don't want the head. I want them to fashion it around my face. I would be able to... I hope there's special sauce on it.

Oh, wait, no special sauce is... No, that's McDonald's. That's McDonald's, oh, yeah. Who's the purple, shapeless gumbie? The grimace. Grimmis. Is that you, Molly? I would be that one.

What's his name? Ernest? The grimace. The grimace. Like, you know when someone has a grimace on their face, like that, but the. Is he a food item? Well, the grimace has a long and storied history that's somewhat complicated that I really don't understand fully. I thought he was more of a chicken nugget kind of felt.

Like a rotting chicken nuggets. No, there are. No, there are. I think there are chicken nuggets. Yeah, there's three chicken nuggets. And then there's a fry man. Uh-huh. Or a fry lady.

I think the fries are a lady. She's like a sexy fry lady. I think she's a sexy fry lady. Wait, what? I want to be sexy fry lady. She has eyelashes and like maybe high heels. Actually, it's perfect because secondly right now I've got on a yellow mesh shirt with a red braw underneath it.

So I'm ready to be a sexy fry lady. You are McDonald's sexy fry lady. I feel good now. Does she wear heels? I'm trying to look up because I can't exactly remember and this might be something I'm remembering from something else. Maybe it's a porn? There was a McDonald's that we used to always stop at

when I was on the way to my grandma's house that had like a play area, like a big play area with a huge mural on the wall with all the cast of characters. Wait, you didn't go into the ballpits, did you? Because that's where the hypodermic needles live. I love ballpits and I still do. Molly, you're not supposed to. You know, I'm starting to realize the more I talk

about things. I think my mom scared me into being scared of everything. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. I think that your mom, I do, I know your mom stands on ballpits and I, I, I have to do a hard disagree. I love ballpits so much. Like, they're like my maybe third favorite thing after pools and trampolines. I would jump into a big, deep ball pit. Not right now because of pregnancy, but like, that would be like a top 10 wish of mine. Wait, so you're going to allow your child to get into an HIV-infested ball pit in the future? I think that they're probably pee-infested, but I'm not worried about HIV transmission.

HIV and rats. It's full of rats. You know how many rats live down there? You're lipping at the bottom of your feet. Jacqueline, there's a lot of rats in the ballpins. I feel like I'm not worried about the HIV transmission as much. You know, piss, yes. But it's just part of childhood.

You're going to get covered in other people's piss. Yep, that is very much a part of childhood. Sunday, by the way, is that's Ronald McDonald's dog. Aw, that's cute. Yeah, but he's going to melt. You know, what's weird about it is that some of them are anthropomorphic food, and then some of them are actual living things like humans and dogs, and then Grimmis is not either.

What the fuck is he? He's evil Grimmis. That was his original name. He steals milkshapes. He steals milkshakes and pops. But he's like Gumby. He's like, he's... He's like a part of the Gumby genus species, you know?

He doesn't, and Ronald McDonald's a human who has a dog named after a food object, but that's not an anthropomorphized food object. And then there's the hamburger and the fry lady who are both anthropomorphized food objects. Well, maybe this will give you a little bit of background. There's some of Grimmis' backstory was revealed in the VHS tape the Legend of Grimmis Island. Ew. Ew. I don't want to go to an island filled.

with him. Well, he does have a mother and a father, but they are unnamed. They did not name them. His grandfather is named Winky. His great-great-grandmother is called Jenny Grimmis. And he might have a brother named King Gonga, who is the king of all grimaces. Who wrote this story and how much acid did they take? And another fun fact about the grimace in the V.A.

HHS tape Grimmis' Odyssey, Grimmis was revealed to be a ham radio enthusiast. What? They do this for. But I guess I have a lot of questions. All right, first question. So they went really hardcore into the background of Grimmis. Did they do the same for the hamburger as well, or is that just mysterious past? No, the hamburger, actually, his entry is longer than the grimaces.

Oh, see, I would have guess he's just a straightforward ham. burger thief. Just a hamburger who steals hamburgers. And were all of them evil except for Ronald McDonald's? Because I feel like that's like something Stalin would do. He would create a story that he's like, no, no, no, everyone

asks, they are evil. Me, I sell the burgers. Is that Russian? Hamburger, he looks like an escape prisoner, right? He's got the striped suit on in the glasses. He's got the stripes. But actually, about the only thing they say about hamburger,

is that he loves to play tricks. But he's a human too. Yeah, but he can also only say robble, robble. He says he loves playing tricks on his friends and still loves burgers. So he's a hamburger eating Loki, essentially. I had misremembered, and I thought maybe... Does he have a hamburger for a head?

You're thinking of Mayor McChese. Yeah, I was thinking that he was a hamburger, but he's not, he's just a, he's not a cannibal hamburger. No, he's a dude. He's just a dude who has escaped from prison recently. I think, because that's what he looks like and really wants a hamburger. And Mary McChese is, that's the anthropomorphized hamburger.

Yeah, the big cheeseburger. Man, I'm getting a lot of ideas right now because Henry and I have been recently jazzing about doing a Riverdale-esque show of Winnie the Pooh. But what if we get a Riverdale-esque show of all the characters from McDonald's that we bring into like real life,

which I think would be a lot of fucking fun. Patten, patent, I just patent it. Winnie the Pooh has a lot of potential because those characters got personality, man, Rabbit. Rabbit would be a great Riverdale character. And you know I hate Winnie the Pooh, but at the same time it would make for a great teen drama. That would make a great teen drama.

This is such a good idea. I don't know, but does Winnie O. Pooh have characters like Uncle O. Grimacy, the St. Patrick's Day McDonald's Man character? Maybe we should move towards this. Yeah, maybe. I mean, yeah, maybe. Who's there to let us all know that the Shamrock Shake is once again available at all McDonald's land locations?

This is a later stage character. This is like a character that gets written in at the end of the season. This is a 1977 to 1985 character. Really? Mm-hmm. Uncle. Oh, Grimacy. The Shamrock Shake is that old, huh?

It's Grimis' Irish uncle. Wow. Wait, so you're just allowed to have one Irish uncle? Like, the rest of them are not Irish? He obviously comes from an island, but that... I guess Ireland is an island, so maybe that's what they're trying to do. I mean, that doesn't mean that one grimace can emigrate to Ireland and then be given the O grimacy. I don't know if that's how it kept together.

Being Irish works. You're saying he's an Irish expat? I think he's an Irish ex-pat who left the Grimmisland and went to Ireland. And renamed himself. And just like so many immigrants come to America And change their names when they come to Ellis Island So did Uncle Grimmis go to Ireland And change his name to O Grimacy

Yeah, the Ellis Island of Ireland How are they making more grimaces? Where is the hole? Where is the shot put? I want to see what's downstairs of a grimace that keeps making more of them. Well, let's just Google Grimmis genitalia and see what happens. Oh, God.

There's going to be some fucking porn of Grimmis fucking the Fry Lady, though. There's actually no Fry Lady. There's no Frye Lady? That's the Fry Kids. The Fry Kids. I'll dip them. Isn't there a sexy lady in this universe? You know what?

We're both thinking of a sexy fast food lady in our heads. Yeah. But I cannot for the life of me think of what it is. Yeah. Because in my head, she's got the body of a carton of fries and then human legs with red high heels. That's exactly what I'm picturing. How are we all picturing this? Because I think we might have a Mandela effect on our hands.

And you know what we might be picturing is those sexy concessions at the movie theater. We might also be picturing sexy. Let's all go to the movies. Because they're pretty sexy. They're pretty sexy. They have heels on it. I prefer to think that there's that we're. from an alternate universe in which sexy fry lady did exist.

Yeah, I remember her on the wall that McDonald's I used to always go to. And if she doesn't exist, if she doesn't exist now, she's going to exist after we make the Riverdale themed to McDonald's television show where I play her. I just got to work on my legs a little bit more. I don't know how to walk in heels, but I think I can figure it out. Yeah, unfortunately, any cartoon that we make into, not any cartoon, but many cartoons that we would make into a teen drama, we are going to have to write in some more women.

Because even Winnie the Pooh, the only woman is Mama. Kanga. Or Kanga. Canga. Yeah, you could easily add a woman into the McNugget buddies. Yeah. Yeah, but that's a side piece.

We need a meat role. If I were the Frye Lady, my catchphrase would be dip me in ranch. Oh, you go ahead. Now you dip me in range. Like, stop saying that fried lady. Can you say anything else? I don't know. Maybe you dip me in range.

It's like you're just asking to get Bukaki. No, no, no. I'm saying ranch. Ooh, you could even, you could bring in some of the lesser-no McDonald's characters, like I Am Hungry, who was a character from 1998 to 2001. He was the self-proclaimed vice president of snacking. that's a fucking fake title because if anyone is a vice president of snacking it is me

but that's yeah that's that character is like some saved by the bell the new year's shit where you're just like well that's not the original cast well the best thing he ever did was in the wacky adventures of Ronald McDonald in the episode visitors from outer space he eats the gunk off of Ronald's rocket oh gross that is not how you describe that We've always been going off of someone's rocket, you know. My name is I am hungry and I've eaten the gunk from Ronald's rocket.

Don't Google that. That sounds like the kind of room Jack Nicholson would be in late night. Hey, you go on me, I am hungry. You can suck the slime at your rocket. Just someone yelling, eat the gunk. Eat the gunk. Do you think that Ronald McDonald's dick is all white or is it flesh-colored? That's an interesting question because you have to think,

is Ronald McDonald putting on makeup each day before he leaves the house? Right. Or is that just the Ronald McDonald race that is white with clown features? Right. Is he a human dressed as a clown? Or is he a clown race? A clown race, yes. I would say he's a clown race, but I would say he probably josh.

up his dick with like white paint beforehand. You know, like you give yourself a good cleaning before you go home with somebody. You know, you go into the bathroom at a bar and goes, oh, I got to wash it real fast. And then I think that's what he does before he penetrates the fri lady. Huh. Y'all do that, huh? Yeah. Right? And, like, are you talking about, like, a bar bathroom?

Yeah. You give it a josh. Or you bring some sort of wine. No, do those wipes. Those are bad for your ecosystem. No, don't do the wipes. I mean, I've never used the wipe. I usually just throw some water on it and blow and go,

yeah, it's fine. Bar bath. This is like the alternative, like, commercial for Summer's Eve. You know, it's like, have you ever gone into a dive bar bathroom and splash some water on your pussy? Instead, get Summer's Eve. It's a convenient wipe. Yeah, don't do the wipes. It makes your vagina taste like a fucking janitor's closet.

Yeah, no, you're. Vagina is an ecosystem that takes care of itself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just let it go. Yeah. Let it live free. Don't introduce any, like, koalas into the American ecosystem. Yeah, but everybody loves a koala.

Yeah, but if you take a koala on a plane to America, it's going to fuck up everything. You're right. There's not enough bamboo for it. That's what they eat, right? Bamboo, yes. So who's going to play Ronald McDonald? Marcus. Me?

Oh, you mean, not the three of us. You mean like, what are you doing it? Marcus, do you want to do it? Yeah, I'll play Ronald McDonald's. Huh? Who kids? Who want some french fries? Is it you?

Sure. You're going to get some french fries. But see, what's the, but this is, I think the potential for drama in the 100 acre wood is, again, very high because those guys are just friends. It's like a, you could really do kind of a small town thing. I'm concerned that if we adapt the Ronald McIntyreux. Donald universe to a teen drama that there is not going to be enough non-hamburger based drama that we can work around.

In the Winnie the Pooh universe, technically what it should be is that Christopher Robin grew up. He's a grizzled sheriff and he has to go. He thinks that Winnie the Pooh committed a crime and he has to go find them again in the 100-acre woods. Uh-huh. Hmm. Because he's lost them, you know, because he grew up. Winnie the Pooh is just, it's like really like a situational drama.

Already because it's just every story in the poo is just like about something they're dealing with in their life Whereas every story in the McDonald's universe is about hamburgers or fries or shamrock shakes Yeah, please honestly I think that's a lot more fun It's like make drama out of that I think you can figure it out because they're all Obviously banging on what is it called gongo island Get on gongo island

There is a female character though birdie the early bird What? Birdie, the early bird. She was around from 1980 to 2011. Is she a bird or is she another human? She's a bird that wears a pink jub suit, a flight cap, and a scarf. Never heard of her. Is that for breakfast?

I think so. Oh, well, that's, McDonald's breakfast is the best part of McDonald's. She's the early bird. Oh, a McGrittle. Love McGreddle. You guys think the breakfast is the best part? I never get the breakfast. I don't know if it's the best part, but I do love a good airport McGrittle.

I love McDonald's. breakfast. I've never, I have, not never, it's been a long time, I think, since I've eaten a regular McDonald's, like, daytime meal. But if I have the opportunity to eat McDonald's breakfast, I'll almost always take it. Got to say I was on a road trip recently, and I got just a straight-up cheeseburger, pretty fucking fantastic. Yeah. Especially if you never eat McDonald's. When you get it every once in a while, you're just like, God damn, this is fake. You're making me really want McDonald's. I feel like I can blame pregnancy hormones,

but this conversation is making me be like, I know where the nearest McDonald's is. There is one within walking distance. Although that's a gross one, though. You don't want to go to that one. That's a rough one. That's my bathroom McDonald's. Oh, is that your pregnant bathroom McDonald's?

That and Starbucks, because Starbucks is getting a little stingy with its access codes. They really are. Yeah. Oh, your poor little pregnant bladder. New York is not a place where they want you to be able to sit down or go to the bathroom. Fair enough, man.

Absolutely fair enough. Today's episode of page 7 is brought to you by The Black Tucks. You know, if you're anything like me, if you're at the age that I am around 35 or so, even if you're down to your 30s, you're going to be going to a ton of weddings this year and next year. And the year after that, it never ends. But you know what? Also, if you're like me, you don't own a whole lot of really nice clothes and you don't want to be seen wearing the same thing every time. That's why you should use the black tux to rent a tux for your next wedding or special event.

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The Black Tucks, Premier rental suits and tuxedos delivered. Can I talk about Rachel Weiss now? Yeah. So remind me why I'm emotionally invested in Rachel Weiss. Because she's fucking so hot and she's 48 and she just got knocked up by Daniel Craig, who is her husband. She is hot as hell. And he is hot as hell.

And she is hot as hell. And I think of what you would like about her, Molly, is that she's openly against actresses getting facial work done. Because she said, like, if athletes can't use steroids, then actors shouldn't be able to do things to their face to augment them, that it should be the same thing. That's interesting. That's an interesting argument. Yeah. But I guess what I mostly wanted to talk about her is that I watched the trailer for this

new movie coming out called Disobedience and is her in Rachel McAdams. It's Rachel v. Rachel. And by Rachel v. Rachel, I mean Rachel vagina, Rachel, because they have sex in it. And it is about the Hasidic Jewish community that Rachel McAddle, Adams is in the Hasidic Jewish community and so was Rachel Weiss used to be, but she was excommunicated because they had her secret lesbian

affair, but Rachel Weiss has to come back because her rabbi daddy dies and then it's just like the tension and heat between them and dude dude the trailer Ha chae ma chae take off the wig bitch

Give that woman a kiss Listen to this A woman returns to the community that shunned her for her attraction to a childhood friend. Once back, their passions reignite as they explore the boundaries of faith and sexuality. I got to say, that sounds like a good movie. I got the vapors after I watch a trailer. I was like, get me a towel or something. There have not been a lot of major motion pictures about the Hasidic community, haven't there? Oh, and the poster is then making it out while they're staring each other and the tag.

line is love is an act of defiance. Wow. I love it. I love it. Whee-hmm. Gimme, give me, give me. I showed Henry the trailer because he's like, no way Rachel McAdams

could ever be good. And he still doesn't trust that the movie's going to be good. But I think that the trailer is fantastic and I can't wait to watch it. Wait, this is a bit of a diversion, but you just talking about facelifts. reminded me that I saw a while watching teen mom, which by the way, since last time we've spoken about it,

I haven't missed an episode. I really followed into a teen mom, young and pregnant a pregnant hole, but I saw a commercial for a movie featuring my favorite person, Jane Fonda, and now I can't remember all the other women in it, but it's another like, it's like the older lady renaissance, and it's called

Book Club, and it's about fun old ladies having fun together, and I'm so excited. Have you seen this, Jackie? No, I haven't seen at who's in it? It's just a bunch of fun? I feel like maybe I have. Is Diane Keaton in it? Diane Keaton is there. Jane Fonda is there. That mom from Joan of Arcadia is there. Whoa, deep cut. Real deep cut. I'm pretty here at Joan of Arcadia.

Yeah, Joan of Arcadia. Wow, you're really pulling that one out. Yeah, I'm embarrassed to even know the name of that show. And then there's one more older lady there, and it's not Lily Tomlin. Who is it? but it is, I am just so excited. I feel like Grace and Frankie has ushered in a, like, women in their 70s can still be the stars of movies and TV shows era, and I, for one, am thrilled. Dude, wait, have you watched the recent season of Grace and Frankie yet?

No, I'm behind. I think I'm only in season three. Oh, my God, it's so great. Oh, Mary Steenbergin. Yes. She's the mom from Joan of Arcadia, right? The brown-haired one. She's also the mom from stepbrothers.

And parenthood. Okay, yeah. And Clifford. And Clifford and the woman that Johnny Depp sleeps with and what's eating Gilbert Grape. Oh yeah, baby. What a career. Great career.

Didn't she married? Isn't she married to Ted Danson? Ted Danson, bitch. Yep. They're doing great. Yeah, let me show you a big. You know this woman. Yeah, that's her.

Yeah. I don't know why I associate her with Joan of Arcadia. Yeah, of all the things that she's done, Joan of Arcadia. Jesus. Yeah, that is, I don't know, man. I don't know. I don't know how to feel about it. Back to the Future Three?

Yeah, she's been in a lot of better things than Joan of Arcadia, but she's just like a real mom in Joan of Arcadia, and that's what I associate her is. Man, Marcus just rewatch Stepbrothers, and how great is that to shut your fucking brain off and watch? It was a wonderful night. It was a wonderful night to just sit with a couple of glasses of wine and watch Step Brothers.

It's a beautiful movie. That sounds nice. Yeah. God, it holds up so hard. Like, I have to pause it because I cry laughing every time I watch it. And there's just so few movies that can get me to that point. There's just something about it, man. Really fucking gets me.

Yep, gets me too. Can I make a confession? Please. I think because I associate the names Philip Seymour Hoffman with John C. Riley, I don't know why. I think it's because of the three names. And then sometimes when I think about John C. Riley, I get afraid that he's died. but he hasn't died.

No, he's doing great. He's doing great. No, he's still out there drinking his sweet berry wine. The Rules Rules is also still one of my... I think I'm just, like, completely in love with John C. Riley. Yeah, that's good. He's good. He's good in everything.

Yeah. Even, you know what? Controversial stance? In Chicago. When he's saying Mr. Cellophane, because you know how I feel about musicals, he knocks it out of the park. Yeah, I like Chicago.

We need to talk about Kevin. Oh, there's a new movie coming out, too. But the director of We Need to Talk About Kevin that looks fucking insane. I did not totally love we need to talk about Kevin, but I do love making references to we need to talk about Kevin. It is the best movie title to make references to. John C. Riley is really good in it, though.

You don't think that? No, I enjoyed watch. It was a little overwrought, you know. Tilda Swinton is a little bit. We get it sometimes. I'm not the biggest Tilda Swinton, fan. Yeah.

And I feel like that's blasphemous because I know she's like a brilliant actor and like a beautiful alien, but she's a bit much. It was just that movie was so overrott and it was just like so, so, so, you know. I think what they're saying is blasphemous. Yeah, I'm already, I'm like bracing for the backlash for, because I feel like as like a person who aspires to be, you know, androgynous, I told us Swinton is one of the, you know, is one of the heroes. She's up there, yeah.

She's beautiful and great, and I know she's very talented, and I appreciate how weird she is. It's just in that particular movie, I'm like, we get it, till the Swinton, he's bad, he's bad, baby. It's just too much. That's what it is. It's the movie you were never really here. That's the one I want to watch.

It's by the same director of we need to talk about Kevin, because she knocked out of that damn part. A traumatized veteran, unafraid of violence, tracks down missing girls, for a living. When a job spins out of control, Joe's nightmares overtake him as a conspiracy is uncovered leading to what may be his death trip or his awakening. You were never really here. Coming, 2007, 2018.

April 6th, it's out. It's come. It has come. It has come, and it has gone. Oh, yeah, baby. No, it's still out. Is Joaquin Phoenix? and I don't know how I feel about Joaquin Phoenix. Yeah. I still kind of want to bang him from the Gladiator Days, though. Yeah. Yeah, Joaquin Phoenix has gone down a bit of a James Franco path, hasn't he? Not really, not as bad.

Not as bad. Not in terms of, like, mistreating women, but just in terms of being like a... Weirdo. Yeah. Just like a self-indulgent art-arty guy. Self-indulgent weirdo without a doubt, but still a good actor. Yeah. Yeah, but didn't he, Marcus, was it, God's hand?

He grew up in one of those cults. Oh, one of them there cults you talk about on last podcast on the left. I grew up one of them, cult. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, I can't remember which one it was, but yeah, he grew up in a weird one. I think it was God's hands. It was wherever, there was one of, there's a documentary on HBO about it. Him and River.

Yikes. Yeah, him and River growing up in that. I'll always love Joaquin Phoenix because I'll always love the movie signs. Yeah. I love the ending of that movie. You love they. It's great. It's water.

Oh, no. It's water. It's a baseball bat. Hey, come on, guys. Spoiler alert. Please. It's the water. It's the water.

If you haven't seen signs by now, you shouldn't. Yeah. I think it's okay to know how it is. Yeah, you don't need to. Yeah, signs is not even M. Night Chamelon's best word. No. And he's got a lot of work that's not his better. I mean, speaking of cults, I know we're not going to get too far deep in this because last podcast is going to get into nexium this week, which you definitely listen to this week's episode of it.

But I did want to throw it out there just real fast that Allison Mack from Smallville, he was the lead girl in Smallville, was running just in case anyone didn't know, was a big part of this insane sex cult. that it was technically a female, well, not technically, it was built as a female empowerment organization. Which it was not based on its description. It's rough. It's a sex trafficking cult. But all in all, what I really wanted to say was Smallville, not a great show. No, it's not.

Smallville is very, very, very overrated. But you know, it is a great show. And there is a connection here that I can't believe no one is talking about. The Cali from Battlestar Galactica was at the center of all this. Wait, how? She was married to Allison Mack. Oh. Whoa.

They are not bringing her up. It's just because she wasn't brought up with any charges? Yeah, she wasn't brought up with any charges. I believe she was either married to Allison Mack or married to one of the top women in the cult. But Callie from Battlestar Galactica, yeah. Much better show. Much better show and much better character as well. Callie, she got on some people's nerves.

She got on my nerves sometimes as well. But she did play a pivotal role. in the show and the actress was very good. I mean, if it had nothing to do with the trafficking part of it, as, you know, I don't identify as an actress, but I understand them and their need to be loved and their need for attention and adoration, you know, if it was a consenting sexual cult of 18-plus people,

18-year-old plus people, you know, why not? Right? I think, yeah, right, but I think consent is the key missing aspect here. That is the thing. I think that's what makes it a cult rather than a sex party. Yeah, more than I, you know what I'm into sex parts. Branding. Right. Yeah, the branding part was wrong.

A big, a big sex party, good. Sex. Manipulation and cajoling and all that. Bad. Yeah, it's bad. You know, it's not good. It's not a good thing. It's not good.

No, I get that whole thing. I just make it jokes. But you know what? Sex parties are great. Yeah. And if it was, because I didn't really read, I only say that because it's fresh on my mind because I didn't really read the details of the alleged what Allison Mack had done. And at first I was a little skeptical and I was like, you know, sometimes we use the phrase sex trafficking when it's really just people making their own decisions about whether they want to be sex workers or not. I'm a little skeptical.

And I was like, maybe this is all overblown. And then I read the description of what was allegedly going on. And I was like, oh, my Jesus. And so then I was a little bit. Oh, yeah, so good. But I was ready. I was ready to be on board with you, Jackie, to be like, maybe this is just a big consensual sex party.

No, no. Also, it always made me sad because Superman was never hot enough on Smallville for me. I think that's why I stopped watching it. Yeah. He was a weird-looking dude. Yeah, he was just, like, he was a nothing. I wanted something. It's like, if you're going to be Superman,

I know he's supposed to be technically like, all-American boy, you know, it's like, whatever, whatever. But, like, I wanted him to be at least a little unique. Yeah. You couldn't pick them out of a crowd. Unlike Zach Braff, which is what's happening to me because I went down to the weird Zach Brath hole. I started watching Scrubs for the first time.

And you know what? I love it. I love everything about it. I've cried twice. And Zach Brath is coming out with a new television show about, guys, are we so excited? It's about podcast. Oh, no. Bormit.

Zach Brath is not. me want to puke on my own dick. I don't want this to exist. Zach Braff, correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't, isn't the universal consensus ever since Garden State that that boy is like the picture of mediocrity? No, no, he has a gigantic, gigantic internet falling specific, like Reddit reveres him as a fucking deity. Really?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got a, he's got an audience. He's definitely... I got to say... It's understandable why... Scrubs is still in syndication because you know what? It's fun. It's a perfect show to have on.

It's got the right amount of heart in it. All the characters are likable and it's got fun banter. It's a banter show, yeah. I remember when I graduated college, I moved out to L.A. briefly on the promise of having an internship on the set of Scrubs only to have it evaporate the day I showed up. Oh, that's a fun way to move across the country. Isn't it? But it brought me here because if I would have got that internship, I might be still miserable in L.A. to this day.

Very understandable. Well, you know, I'm glad that you didn't get it, Marcus. I'm happy for you. Me too. That's why you never move based on your cousins, friends. Yeah, I'll do that for you. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Yeah. Never move based on that. But you know what? Still want to bang Zach Brough. Do you though? Sorry. I got no problem with scrubs. I haven't ever really watched it,

but I feel like I've absorbed it because it's one of those shows that's always on. And Dion's boyfriend from Clueless is in it. Yes. And so I appreciate that. But I just don't think I like Zach Braff,

but I think that has to do with Garden State. Yeah. Wait, Molly, you don't like Garden State? Garden State is not good, I don't think. Yeah, it's terrible. fuck of the whole point of the movie is you don't need medication. Yeah. But it's still fun.

I think. All right. To be fair, have not watched Garden State since it came out. But when it came out, I probably watched it 25 times. And I just because I wanted to bang Zach Braff, and I had the soundtrack,

and I'd listen to it every single day. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's one of those that doesn't quite hold up the same as it did when you were like 19, 18, 17, however old we were when it came out. Yeah, if you go back and watch it. If I remember correctly, like the central theme of Garden State is you don't need medication to treat your depression. You need love.

You know. I can't even try and argue that. You don't need to, if you're severely clinically depressed, you don't need medication. You don't need therapy. Those things are stupid. You know what you need is you need a cute girl. A cute girl on a scooter who doesn't wear her helmet sometimes because she has problems too. But if you get her and you scream at a garbage dump, then you can be happy.

But for God's sakes, don't take your medication or go to therapy. Those people are crazy. I just realized that Garden State is the 2000s version of Benny and June. Isn't it? It is. It's like the same thing. Two quirkies. One's a little quirk.

than the other one, but the other one's a little more mentally unstable than the other one. But, man, you throw on Bob Seeger's night moves and bang it out, have a great time. And I would walk 500 miles. I would walk 500 more. Oh, my God, that's a breakthrough for me. Oh, my God, I like all of those movies. Am I wrong? Am I broken?

You're wrong, Jackie. I hate to tell you this, but in this right now, you're wrong. Wrong. Self-aware Jackie is interesting. Am I wrong about something? I am never wrong, but I will watch Garden State again this week, and I will come at you with my feces of why I think it's still a good movie. I will be interested to hear your thoughts,

because I have also not watched it in a long, long time. But if you're in your brath hole, you know, you may as well watch Garden State. Oh, yeah. I'm in a brathole. You know, Braff, that's like the number one celebrity doppelganger that I get. Really? People say I look like it. I don't see it at all.

If I close my eyes real small and I go, ah, as I look at you, I can see Zach Braff. I don't see it at all. I've got it like two or three times in the last couple weeks. Really? In the last couple weeks? I don't get it. I don't get it at all. Is it because the podcaster show is coming out, though?

No, it was long before that. You know who you look like, a man who's interested in podcasts. You look like a man who has podcast things in your brain. Podcast. My favorite is when he was talking about like, he's like he hasn't come back to, he hasn't come back to television in a long time because he just like assumed that, um, okay, so he said, like most actors, I was thinking that when I do come back to TV, it'd be something cool on a streaming channel when they do these amazing shows. I binge just like everyone. Oh, my God. He sounds like us.

But when you have a piece of content that's as broadcast friendly as Alex Inc. is, there's no need for it to be anything but PG. We all agree this is what there's more room for on TV. Oh, my God. Fuck off, Sag, Pratt. Yeah, fuck off. That's such bullshit. What are you talking about, dude? God, I bet his fucking idea for a podcast blows.

Oh, my. I'm just going to talk to my friends. Oh, no, it's all about his daily life, Marcus. Oh, is that what's about? Microphones in the house with his family. Oh, my God, you know, because that's what people love. It's just a mediocrity. That dude is just decades, decades now with mediocrity.

He really is, like, just an easy-to-swallow whatever dude. Yeah. No, he's hot mediocrity. Come on. He's hot. But even his hotness is mediocre. Yeah. But he's a New Jersey Jersey.

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Click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage and type in page 7. I think you might like it. All right, so hello. Who's on the list? Guess. Got to have that list. Famous Unitarians. Wow.

Interesting. I haven't found that list in all these years. It's not a long one. I bet it's not. I mean, I grew up in a Unitarian church, and you know, it's a lot. How is Unitarian? They're cool. It's cool because it's like, it's all of it.

So you get to learn about all the different things. There's a lot of meditating. What my favorite part was is that there was always bagels afterwards. Yeah, Unitarians. I know a lot of cool Unitarians. I feel like it's real holistic. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ralph Waldo Emerson was a Unitarian.

Which one's that one? He's on the list. He's on the list. He's not exactly a celebrity. Enough. You know who he was? I do know who he is. Who is? I don't know who that is.

He's a transcendentalist. Oh, never mind. I show off. My brain shut off. He's on the long time. Author, Walden Pond. That was him, right? That was the row.

But they were, I think they were tight. Or at least I associate the two of them with each other. Right, they're pretty much the same guy. Sitting around in the woods and thinking about life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of that. Like Isaac Newton. Also a Unitarian.

He's on the list. I can't tell if you're just making a conversation or are you reading the list. Founding Father Thomas Jefferson. This list is trashed. This list is all from before the 1850s. Credit Gourwig. All right. All right, Credit Gourwig.

Yeah. I can see that. I can see it. She loves meditation and bagels. Uh-huh. Paul Newman. Not surprising at all. Yeah.

I feel like that's, if you want to, if somebody's like, what's a universalist or a Unitarian? I don't know if Unitarian Universalists are the same as regular Unitarians, but I feel like if you said, what's a Unitarian and you said Paul Newman, that just tells you need to know. Yeah. Salad dressing. Half Catholic, half Jewish.

Huh. Keith Oberman That's a Unitarian Also not surprising No Charles Which one's that one He sounds political

Keith Oberman is a political guy Yeah used to be sportscaster It became political No one really likes him that much Sports in the politics He goes like you sir He does a lot of like Direct addresses

To You're not supposed to be judgmental as a Unitarian though You're supposed to be peace He's judgmental He's a bad unitarian Yeah He has done myself.

It's about the kind of the definition of Keith, oh. Yeah, that's true. That's what he does. Charles Dickens. See, we're back to the really old people now. Oh. That's why he has but a yarn or two.

Let's talk about the Moors. How tiny and frail is that boy child? Sylvia Plath? Huh? Interesting. No wonder she was so bleak. St. Vincent? Is this a celebrity, musician? Oh, I was going to say. St. Vincent was a Catholic.

Man, Molly, you should listen to St. Vincent. You should. Fucking badass. I've been meaning to listen to St. Vincent. You love St. Vincent. Both an amazing singer, a songwriter, and a fucking fantastic guitar player. Yeah? Yeah.

And the newest album? Marcus, have you been listening to the newer album? I have. It's great. The one that came out last year? Yeah, no, especially because it's all about, like, it's like the juxtaposition of New York and L.A. as well. So, of course, I've been

groined in on it. I would imagine. Yeah, the newest album is really, really fucking good. All of her albums are great. She doesn't have a bad album out there. But listen to the newest one. I think you'd really like it because she's dabbling because I get it feeling a lot of artists, like they kind of try pop music because they're trying

to be popular. I get it feeling with her, she dabbles in like modern pop in this album, but she's doing it because she wants to do it because she feels like she has something to add to it and it works out fantastically. It's not necessarily my cup of tea or poppier stuff, but I get what she's doing and I love it. Nice. Oh my

God. That, man, that fucking, that L.A. song was it called? I can't remember. I've only been listening to the album as a whole, so I don't really know the individual song titles. How can anybody have you? Yeah. How can anybody have you and lose you? How can

anybody have you and lose you and not lose their mind to? That song, it just like gets into my soul. Fuck yeah, man. Rod Serling, Twilight Zone. Oh, is he now? E. E. Cummings.

Oh, God, man, they are, it is just, it's like, it didn't breed a whole lot of, I mean, I guess it's very, it's like a whitewash of religion, you know, it's like a, sure, whatever, Paul Revere. The British are coming. Unitarianism goes back that far? Yeah.

Yeah. Christopher Reeve. Says it gave him a moral compass. That's nice. Didn't keep him out of a wheelchair, though. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, that was me. Herman Melville.

Oh, good. Man, they're just, I didn't realize there were so many old school unitarians. Oh, yeah. including some presidents like John Quincy Adams and William Howard Taft. What's interesting to this to me about, I feel like I actually know a lot of Unitarians in the present day, you know, but it sounds like a dead religion based on this list.

Yeah, Louisa May Alcott, Susan B. Anthony, Pete Seeger, Frank Lloyd Wright, Beatrix Potter. Beatrix Potter, love her. You don't like Beatrix Potter? You don't know who that is, do you? I think that she wrote Winnie the Pooh. She wrote Peter Rabbit, a different animal universe. Same thing in my head.

No. That's in, no, don't judge based on the movie Peter Rabbit. I'm slopping a Peter Cotton Tail in there as well. I'm all of it. All of it, I'm putting it in the trash can. I was close with Winnie the Pooh. I knew it was something else I didn't like. Woody the Pooh is good.

The thing is the Disney Winnie the Pooh is bad. but the actual A.A. Milled. Winnie the Pooh books are, at least as a sixth grader, I thought that they were fantastic. Unless there was like a Grimm's fairy tale-esque version of Winnie the Pooh, I don't care about it. It's dark, but this is a thing. It's dark and sad. Disney Winnie the Pooh is all like, ooh, my honeypot. But, but A.A. Millan, it's like, I know I sound like a hit, like I listened to Winnie the Pooh before it was cool right now. To hear being hipster right now, but that's fine. But A.A. Milne, it's like a, he's like a sad. It's like a, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like,

devastating. It's just like a lonely man telling a little boy's stories and it's very, very sad. It's like early emo, it was an early emo experience for me in a good way. Okay. What about the live action one where they're all like human sized? No.

I don't even know what you're talking about but absolutely not. No. The whole thing is it's your imagination. That's why the Disney one is annoying. Which book are you talking about like you're talking O.G. Winnow, right? You're talking, like, it's like, like, so there's one book or is a series of books? There is one called the Hundred Acre Wood, I think, and there's one just called Winnie the Pooh.

I'm wrong. There's two books. There's two, like, they're like collections of short stories, and it's like, Christopher Robin is this, the author is just like kind of talking to Christopher Robin, his kid, and he's like, basically makes up, like, a whole universe about Christopher Robin living in a hundred acre wood and this cast of characters. And it's very sweet. And it's just, like just it's just like little slices of life you know but it's not like it's not like Disney Disney Winnie the Pooh is so cutesy and the thing is the actual books are not so cutesy well did you did you watch the live action Winnie the Pooh at all have you ever seen it it was it was very much a big part of my childhood I loved live action winning of the poo is very

strange what oh my god no I'm showing it to Molly right now what no I've never seen that yeah No, it looks like, it's like Talatubbies, but worse. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They were all human-sized. They were all men and costumes. No. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.

God, I loved it so much. Their faces. Yeah, oh, no, and it's static, too. It's told there's nothing about it that really, like, their faces don't move at all. You just hear, like, a disembodied voice. It's great. No, I don't include that. I loved it.

Ugh, no, it's a creep fest It's a bit of a creep fest Well, you know, I'm sorry, different strokes I know different folks I still dig a velveteen rabbit But that's also just because I like to cry Yeah, that's the thing A lot of children's books are very sad

Yeah, got to teach him about sadness when they're young Yeah Old Yeller man It's ever blind at him Oh, we can't see them Producers of this residency It always assumed their new star attraction could sing. Sure, they knew she would need backing vocals, but when she showed up for rehearsals, they freaked at just how awful this A-list singer sounds and how she's going to have to lip-sink everything other than talking to the audience. It's not Britney Spears.

It's not Britney. No, Britt, Britt's doing fine. She's doing fine. She's doing great. Yeah, she's doing great. What list is she? A-list? Oh, this is A-list. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And part of like an A-list couple. And she's on TV, 90-s singer. And this is for a show that she's doing? Yeah, she's doing a vaguest residency. Oh, a Vegas. Okay. Used to be in a band, then went solo. Gwen Stefani. Apparently can't sing anymore.

Wow. You know what? I wouldn't put it past her. Wouldn't put it past her. Man, also, sidebar, Blake Shelton is throwing some shade at Miranda Lampert right now because she just came out because she is dating this new guy and then Blake Shelton came out. She said, came out today. She's dating this dude.

Let her have her fucking happen. Sheldon you know I love me some Blake Shelton but he was like well I think apparently he's married and she doesn't know about it but we'll see how this plays out I think that it's okay that once the funny can't sit am I too invested I think it's okay that once the funny can't sing because she looks so hot at 50 or I think she's 50 right she's she's up there and I think that you should only be able to be really really really lucky in one area at that time or I shouldn't say you should only be able to, but if you're really, really lucky in one area, then it's okay if you start sliding in the others. Yeah, she's 48.

48. And she's been doing it for so long. You know what? She used to be great. It's all good. Yeah, we all know that she can sing. She doesn't also, I don't understand why she's doing the residency. It's like you're on the voice, girl.

How much more money you need, bitch? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. But maybe she just wants to be, you know, maybe she just wants to have something to do besides bang old no dick Blake Shelton. He must have whiskey dick every night. of the week. This is the tweet, the sub-tweet about Miranda Lambert, said,

been taking the high road for a long time. I almost gave up, but I can finally see something on the horizon up there. Wait, could it be? Yep, it's karma. Whoa. That's some country-asshame, baby.

The country sub-tweets. Yeah, that's what a shit. That's just really, just like someone does that and just like, oh, God. That's country Facebook. It's country Facebook. Country Facebook trash is like, it's a whole other kind of embarrassment. Oh, yeah.

I'm just so unimpressed with Blake Shelton all the time. Except Jackie, who is very impressed with them. You have to throw back a pretty pink lemonade shooter and lean a little closer. Man, it just makes you want to get a pink lemonade shooter. I know I won't like it, but I just want someone to watch me as a down it and just like lean in. You know, and just say it'd sure be cool if I did have sex with him. Is that too much to ask? Not in the least bit.

And that's all we have time for on today's page seven. Thank you, everyone, for joining us today. And we shall talk to you all next week. Love you guys so much. Thank you again. And thank you to all of our patrons out there. And if you haven't checked it out, please hit up our Patreon page. It is patreon.com slash page seven.

Podcast, seven the number. and we would really truly appreciate it. And also, we got our t-shirts in, and they are available for sale, and they are getting sent out this week, baby, because I think you might like it. Thank you, maybe. Love you, guys.