Page 7 - Episode 266: Slippery as an Eel

Episode Date: August 3, 2018

Jackie, Molly and Marcus discuss Candy Land erotica, questionable scruples and Jackie's highschool prom. Get your first order free by visiting http://filtereasy.com and enter code: PAGE7 Go to http://phlur.com today and use promo code PAGE7 to get 20% off your custom Phlur sample set! Hard Boiled, In Your Arms,, Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/ Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

All right, guys, we've got another one for the record books. It has been in my mind, and I can't think about anything else. Because I'm just a teenage dirt bag, baby. Yeah. Sorry, Freddy. Eddie didn't like it, and that's okay. You know, I barely like it, but I was listening to the Dawson's Creek soundtrack, and that's what I fucking get.

Oh, my God. It just seems like it seems like Riverdale has seeped far, far into your mind. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all up in there. I've got a lot of teen memories coming back. I was watching a little bit of Dawson's Creek the other day, and it was just like, you know what, I should listen to Dawson's Creek soundtrack. You know what?

You should and you shouldn't. You're reverting to not just a teenager in the present, but a teenager of the 1990s. Oh, yeah, baby. I'm going all kinds of back. I've been, you know, it's like I just, I almost want to get a ball necklace. Is that bad? I really, I'm telling you, I would wear my arm sweatbands with, they had little different ska bands on them, they had Kermit on them.

I would do that again in a heartbeat. Right? You had, ooh, Kermit ones. Did you get those from Hot Topic? You bet I did. We didn't even have a hot topic in Dubuque, Iowa. I think I had to go to a bigger city to go to the high. topic. What? There was a hot topic in Lubbock that I would drive three hours to and there I bought

a necklace that was a it was a metal necklace and I had little balls on it and every ball had a spike on it. Because I was super into spikes in high school and a little bit in college. It took me a while to shed high school. I wanted to be a spike girl but I had one spike bracelet only and I think I couldn't rock it when you just have one. I think you got to have multiples. You did I had this necklace and I had a Spike wrist man. Yeah, you got to have all the chains. You have to have, you know, I had my men's cargo shorts that I would sew a bunch of buttons onto.

It just made the shorts heavier. I don't know why I did it. It wasn't. I thought I was so subversive at the time. Like, look at my big old shorts. Yeah, they got buttons all over. I did a lot of buttons, but I didn't ever do them on my cargo shorts, which I definitely wore. I would do patches, you know, like.

and I would safety pin the patches, obviously. Obviously. Hell yeah, you got Stu. What are you going to sew them on? Like some sort of Cheebo. Fuck that noise. Even if they were iron on, I would still safety pin them on.

I just love having this conversation while Molly is standing up bumping up and down with Freddie trying desperately to keep her calm. And it's just like, Freddy, don't listen to these things. Don't be like us.

We were losers. But you know what? Now we're cool. I just have I you know there was that like I think it was the Atlantic article like years ago that was like can women have it all and the image that always comes with that idea is like a woman

with a briefcase not a woman with a lot of headphones on a microphone you're still killing it Molly you're killing it no my high school unrequited love got married a couple of weeks ago and I saw it of course on all of the social media and is it weird that it still makes my heart hurt

no not at all no I think it's totally normal. And she's beautiful and he's wonderful and he's killing it. And it was like the kind of thing that was just like, you know, he broke my heart by taking me to my senior prom and then immediately dumping me at the senior prom. Even though he came back from college to take me to my senior prom. Because I loved him so much because we were friends. And I was like, he's coming back. He's going to take me.

He's taking me to the prom. And everything's going to be great. And I was prom queen. And it was my night. and it was all of it, and then I just caught him hooking up with somebody in the bathroom. No, what? This is a rom-com.

Wait, question number one, you were prom queen? We're not the question number two. He hooked up with somebody in the bathroom? Yeah, man, broke my heart. I thought that was the night for me. And at that point, you know, I was already slippery as an eel. It wasn't like I thought it was going to be like my virginity was being taken or anything like that.

I knew the ways of the world. But, yes, I was prom queen, and yes, he did brutally break my heart. Who was the girl that he hooked up with in the bathroom? Some slut. No, also, she was a friend of mine that was in the limo on the way to the prom. Wow, this is a, you have to, you and Henry should write this rom-com. I would watch the hell out of this. It is.

There's no calm, though. The rest of it was just me sobbing. And I just remember we were reading this book called the Stone Angel at the end of like our IB experience. And there was just this big fountain that had an angel in the middle of it. And I remember I got wasted. And I just remember talking to the angel being like, why you do? Why do you do to me what you do? Wow.

Did you know they made a movie based on the Stone Angel in 2007 starring Ellen Burstyn and Ellen Page? You know what? I didn't know that. And I can't, you know, for the life of me, can't remember anything about the book. Is that bad? I don't think that. I don't remember it. At that point, at the end of your high school experience, like, I had already taken my IB exams. Like, who cares at that point? What's IB? That was like our high school thing that we were, like, our very, we were in a very intense program in high school called the International Baccalaureate program. Oh, yes. I've heard of, now I remember IB, both you and Henry talking. talking about IB. Yeah, I think y'all read better books than we did. We just did like a very straightforward high school canon, you know.

I actually had an English teacher that gave me all the cool shit. She gave me on the road and Slaughter Ross 5 and East of Eden. Oh, that's the good stuff. Hell yeah. She gave me the real good stuff. See, that's another good movie I would watch, Marcus and his mentor teacher who gave him the good... You know, we could maybe combine these into one great movie about us in high school. Oh, and I was even like super nerd where I,

go over to her house and we'd play Legend of Zelda Aquarina of Time together. Really? Yeah, yeah, I helped her through the Water Temple. Wait a second, is this like an archie kind of scenario? Is this what's happening over here? No, no, no, not at all. Nothing even close to that. She was just an extremely sweet woman who cared about her students.

Interesting. Well, I used a house sit for my English teacher when he was gone over the summers because he lived a couple of doors down from us because he knew our family. And so he's like, oh, I trust them. I think I've talked about this before. But then he had a whole catalog of all of his like DVDs and laser discs and all of the things that he had. And he had four copies of the movie Pretty Baby.

Which is a, it is, it made me look at him very differently because it is about it's Brooke Shields as a young prostitute. And I believe it's Susan Sarandon that plays her mother who is the older prostitute. and she like gives her off. It's like old school prostitution. And the whole thing is about her as a child and this old man taking her on. There are nude scenes with Brooke Shields who was 12 years old at the time.

Yes, I know about this movie. What's your theory about why he had four copies? I don't know. I don't know. It was a fine movie. It's not clear. Yeah, well, I've got other questions, follow-up questions here.

Was it four copies of like the same DVD edition or was it like different cuts? It was different. And he had the laser disc. He had the VHS and then he had two different DVDs of it. One was like an anniversary special. So it's safe to say it was his, did he have four copies of any other movie? No. That's rough.

You've got to hide that shit before you have your high school student come over. Yeah. I mean, that's the thing. He wasn't ashamed. of it apparently been I don't know why he wasn't. Maybe he was just a guy who's like this is my favorite move. Maybe he was gifted three of the copies, you know,

at Christmas. It could be. It could have been a private joke among friends. Also true. I really hope so because I never looked at him the same. That was right before my senior year and I was just like every time I was in his class was like you bumping it? You bumping it to 12 year old tittie's dude?

Because that ain't no good. That's the most understated, the most understated fact I've ever heard about something like that. That ain't no good. It ain't no good. It ain't no good.

I always wanted to ask his daughter about it because she was in Henry's year, but you know, I felt weird. That would be, you might be ready to burn that that bridge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, you know what your papa is hiding in there?

I imagine she called him, Papa, oh, Papa. Man, I had a, I had quite, the quote from Henry was, Jesus Christ, Jackie, with someone with no daddy issues, you legitimately have daddy issues. We were watching the roast of Bruce Willis, which is great. And Ed Larson from the Roundtable and Brighter Side rode on it. He's fantastic. I love Ed so much.

And we were watching it. And you know who I want to bop is Kevin Pollock. we've talked about you wanting to bop Kevin Pollock on the show before. Have we? Now that I think about it, I'm almost positive we've talked about Kevin Pollock's boppworthiness.

Could I see a recent picture of Kevin Pollock? Well, it's not so much now. Ah. Uh-huh. Not so much now, then when? Kevin Pollock has always looked exactly like he looks now. You are not.

not wrong about that. But it was, I think it was because of grumpier old men and because of house arrest. Remember that movie house arrest? With Sinbad? No, no, no, that was house guest, which that is a fantastic piece of cinema. No, it's like, it's like Jamie Lee Curtis is in it. I think Jennifer Love Hewitt is in it where it's like a bunch of hot kids that lock their parents in the basement. because they want to hang out or something?

I remember this movie. Mom and Dad never thought they would get grounded. Yeah. That's the entire description of the plot. That's the tagline that's on the poster. Mom and Dad never thought they would get grounded. I mean, essentially, it was like Jamie Lee Curtis and Kevin Pollock were about to get a divorce and the kids were upset about it, so they decided to lock all of their parents in the basement

for them to all figure out their shit, essentially. That's not unlike what happened in the most recent episode of Pretty Little Lies that we talked about. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God, man, Pretty Little Liars is fantastic. It is so good, and the problem with us watching it is that now I'm making connections in my regular life to Pretty Little Liars,

thus making myself the most irrelevant person on Earth. I know, we're so old. It's very frustrating. Nobody wants to hear me be like, this is a little bit like an episode of Pretty Little Lyons that I just saw. Season one. Season one. Season one.

You can catch up with me if you want to. Oh yeah. We're taking it real slow over here on the Patreon. But again, what we keep talking about, it is with the utmost self-control that we do not continue every week. I only watch it with Molly every week. Yeah, Barko's we said it's like the tantric sex of binge watching. You just really hold out.

Go real slow. I'd say you can't take it. it anymore and you're just like I gotta goosh I got a goosh but we're not goohing we are edging the fuck out of each other and we are going to take it very very slowly yeah there has been no gooshin there's been a lot of fun but zero gooshen I'm proud of both of you thank you so much I appreciate I need your pride earls how am I going to get through it same way as if I mean that's a problem though and then I look at things like the candy land characters and I get horny What?

You mentioned this before we started recording. You're having a real rough week. Please explain. Well, from the Candy Lamb movie or from the Candy Lamb board game? I didn't know there was a movie. Yeah. When was the movie? 2005, Candy Land and the Great Lollipop Adventure.

Oh. That doesn't get you going. I don't know what will. Is it like a creepy, live action one or is it like a animated? It's animated, yeah. I mean, no, but yes. No.

Remind me, please, of the characters because I used to love Candy Land and I wanted to be their friends and probably I did want to fuck them but I just didn't know it yet. Well, I can give you the synopsis of the Great Lollipop Adventure. I'm sorry, I'm just saying, I'm too horny today. I'm sorry, guys, I'm over here alone, I'm sweating, and I just, ah.

I'll read it I'll read it according to your mood Okay thank you please This is the story of the game Candyland Where gingerbread boy jib Princess Wally And Mr. Mint

Outwet and defeat the evil lord Lickrish in order to In order to save the delightful world Of Candyland I'll go on that lollipop trip He gets me stickies all over my dick It sounds like it actually could be like you read it in the same voice as you read the revenge synopsis last week. And I feel like it could be, it could be like a dark, sexy mystery.

It very much could be. I mean, what do you think of Lord Liquorish? See, that's my jams, dude. Lord Liquorish is hot as hell. And I don't know if it's because I'm banging a goth daddy right now, but there's something about Lord Liquorish that really gets. my scoop booting. Mark's gonna get a current picture of Lord Liquoran. Oh my God.

Really, Jackie? Yeah, dude. Yeah. What? That one? Yeah. He's dressed as a dandy. He's got an evil old-timey mustache.

Yeah, baby. He's like a devil dandy. Yeah, he's a devil dandy. Oh, I know. A candy devil dandy. Yes, please. He's so sinister and he's got that candy candy, cane and it's like what is he gonna do with it? I feel like he's gonna have to suck on it before

he uses it and I just I'm into it. You gotta activate it. Yeah man you gotta yeah you gotta activate the core it's like uh you know it's like heat or something start the reactor but you know even Mr. Mintz I'd give him a whirl current picture of Mr. Mint please I have not thought about these characters since about 1989 maybe 1990 I went down quite a weird candy land hole. And I don't want to leave between that. It's like Mr. Mint is definitely like he's a lower level. King Candy is definitely all so much jams.

What is wrong with you? What? I'll show you. I'll show you. All the sec. Well, I'll take Mr. Mint over the dandy devil guy. Lord Lickrish? Really?

Wait, who is that? Who is that hipster guy you just? clicked on Marcus. I think the hipster, I think that's a reimagining, a recent reimagining of Mr. Mint. Hipster, Mr. Mint. Well, I would bang that guy.

He's kind of like an anime imagining of this. Hell yeah. Also, Princess Lolly, give you a run for your money. But Queen Frostyne is definitely where Marcus is at. Well, let me look at Princess Lolly first. Okay, and then also King Candy because I think. Do you think that anybody has named their

Child Frosty. I got to put in a hold because Princess Lolly brings up something totally different. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I think I can guess what. It's a, you don't even want to know. Suck on my lollipop. Mr. Midsa.

Mr. Mint, you come. Suck on my lollipop. Well, first of all, Princess Lollie is a child. Yeah, but like, you know. I think you got to go. go Queen Frostin. All right. Let's go with Queen Frostine.

I just, I think what I want to do is write erotica about the characters of Candy Land. And this is what I've been thinking about, guys. And is, is that?

Your hot dog dreams didn't work out, Jackie. Yeah, you're finding some real weird outlets to deal with your hot dog grief. I, well, I'm not the hot dog ambassador, so I may as well watch,

I may as well write erotic fan fiction about fake character. Oh, how did I get into writing erotic fan fiction about the Candyline characters? Well, funny fucking story, actually. You might want to talk to the National Hot Dog fucking counsel about it. I got too horny for my pritches. I needed an outlet.

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I'm copywriting that. I will say, Jackie, that. All of the females involved in Candyland are all children. No, see, that's why you see, we age them up. We age them up. What I want to do is you got the kids that are playing the game. You age them up. So they're grown up now.

They go back to Candyland. And then it's just like their sexual situations that they find themselves in just to get back out of Candyland. Is it, are you talking about human children or the child characters? Are you talking like a Jumanji kind of style where like the, the, the, the, your erotica is like people who are, like, maybe you're like, you bring a date back to your apartment and you're like, do you want to drink and play Candy Land? L, L, L, L, L. L. And they're like, oh, I guess the way that you do with Guess Who. And then you start playing Candy Land and then they find themselves into some, maybe they take acid or something.

And then they find themselves on like a like a kind of immersed candy land adventure. venture a la Dumangee. Wait, what do you mean like you do with Guess Who? Have you ever brought somebody back to your apartment and suggested that you get drunk and play guess who? No. I was like, am I going to let that one slide? No.

I think Molly had a sexual experience involving Guess Who? Oh, my God. And assumed that it was normal. Which one got you off, Molly? Which one wasn't? It's a good flirting thing. And it wasn't that I got off with a character on Guess Who. No, I mean, it was just a sexual.

experience that began with guess who it's a tool you bring somebody back to your apartment and you own guess who and you say if you want to play guess who but there's a really there's a fun way to play guess who which is the adult version which is you be like instead of being like does your character have glasses you ask like um you know does your character have big dick energy yeah right exactly how long is your character's pews they shave them exactly like how many DUI's does your character have and stuff. And then you see if you end up doing it, you know, if you end up with the right person.

And it's incredibly fun. Oh my God. And it's a great way to flirt. Interesting. That's actually a lot of, see, I'm a kind of person that I'm, I mean, this is controversial stance. I'm against cards against humanity because it's too easy. It's terrible.

Take guess who, make it sexy. Now that's fun. See, I'm looking at the characters of Guess Who right now. It's like Maria, the one with the beret. she always was the one that I wanted to lick on because she's got that perfect pout ready for it. You know what I mean? Oh, now I remember Maria.

Yeah, man, with the beret. Yeah, and so you could be like, you know, if Maria was, if you were trying to find out if the other person had Maria, you know, you would be like, is your character like, you know, wet right now? Begging for it. Is she begging for my dick inside of her mouth?

It's like, yeah, she is. And she's internet. You know who could get it though? Are you looking at these pictures right now Marcus? I am Susan can get it Let me see, let me find Susan could totally get it Susan could totally get it she's got long she's got like shoulder-length white hair and she's got big old lips and she's like Oh daddy I had too much whiskey to drink Why come over here and give mama a kiss and that's a

It's also how you make it. It's like a Diane Keaton vibe, I think. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how you make it sexy. She could be in like a, in like a Grace and Frankie episode. Ooh, yeah. You know who I think, but you know who I think is like the surprise freak and all this?

It's Claire. Clare. Upper right corner. Oh, you damn straight. Claire likes to fuck. Claire can get it. Claire's got a nice sun hat with some flowers on it. She's got glasses.

Oh, Sunny. Don't worry about it. getting hard in front of me. I've seen a Tyrannosaur raise its eerie little drippy head. Not a time for me, except always the time for me. Never get pregnant to wound. Claire is like the character Miss Geist. Is that her name from Clueless who Cher decides that she's going to like kind of sexify her?

Oh yeah. That's Claire. Yeah, but the dudes are. severely lacking and guess who? The guys are pretty boring. You got, uh, yeah, they're all schlubs. Yeah, they're all very slubs. There's a Russian.

I definitely jump on Alfred's bones, but I think it's like a Leonard Skinnered kind of thing. Is Alfred the one with a big stash? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Right? I think I, I saw a fucking, I saw a twinkle of memory in your eye when you saw Alfred. I didn't remember Alfred. Alfred is like a guy,

Alfred's like when you're a kid and you go over to like your friend's house and like they've got like a stepdad, you know? Yeah. And you don't really know him. That's Alfred. I feel Alfred is like a guy who's at your friend's house and you're like, what are you doing here, you know? It's up little dudes.

Yeah, exactly. He's always got a cores light in his hand and you're just like, cool. Yeah, it's like a sometimes adult who's maybe it's a cousin or like, you know, an older brother's friend or something. But like that's Alfred. Come here. Let me show you something. Oh, hell yeah.

It's just like his jet ski. He's like, you see a polster this morning. Yeah, he did. Oh, no, it's never sinister or bad or anything. No, no, no, no. It's just come here, little dude. Yeah. No, he's just like a fun guy who's around and you don't totally know why.

Mm-hmm. Oh, my God. I want to play sex-st-up guess who now. This is great. It's so fun. This is so, you're right, Molly. I can't, you're right. I just, I'm on board.

I thought that, like, because I was really. thinking about buying, what is it, is it dream date? No, the phone one. You're right. I really like you. I would play that game right now. Dream phone. Dream phone.

Yeah. Mall madness I would also play, but yeah, dream phone. Oh, yeah, this was like only marketed during like the girls' shows. But it was, I never owned it. I don't think I ever even played it, but it was like my fantasy. You didn't have it, Molly? No, it was like my fantasy as a child. Oh, God.

You could, there were cards. with guys that you could call John, Matt, or Gary? Uh, yeah. Wait, which was the one? It wasn't Spencer. I can't remember the one that I really wanted to bang. I think he had long hair. Oh, no, Bruce.

Bruce was like the, he looks like, he's definitely a tween, but he had definitely like the Gordo from Lizzie McGuire kind of thing going for him. Mm-hmm. Oh, my God. I like Gordo. Oh, these guys are weirdly 90s hot. It's game's from 96. Oh my God. Oh, Steve. It was Steve.

Steve is the one that looks like Ryder Strong. And he always hung out at Woodland Park. But so the thing is, Marcus, and I guess Molly, I can't believe you never had it. So you're trying to get them, you're trying to get them, and you keep calling their number. And if you get them right, it goes, you're right. I really like you. And I would sit and type the numbers over and over again, not playing the actual game, Just to hear the phone tell me that someone had a crush on me.

All right, so what we're going to do now, the Dream Phone commercial is on YouTube, so we're going to listen and hope that we hear one of these voices. Oh, my God, please. Yes. Who, who's got a crush on you? Oh, my God. Who has a crush on you. Call, guys, get clues.

out which guy really likes you. He's not wearing a hat. He's not wearing a hat. My secret. It's for you. Except I wasn't playing it with friends. You're right. I really like you.

You're right. I really like you. Dream phone. The hot electronic talking phone game. It's for you. Is it for me? Is it for me? Does he love me?

Oh my god. You're right. I really liked you. I just needed it. I needed to hear it. I needed someone. Someone to be attracted to me. Did you guys ever hear of the game charades?

No, not charades. Scruples. Scruples. No. It was this weird game that was in my basement when I was a kid. And it gave you cards with scenarios on it. And you had to answer, like, ethics questions. And you could find the sexy ones.

So you'd be like you see your neighbor changing across the, like you see a naked lady changing when you look out the window. Do you tell her or do you watch her? It was like horrible. And then people would, you could have cards that said yes, no, or depends. And then I think that you got points by predicting what other fucking creeps you were playing with would say. And I just used to sift through and find all the sexy scenarios. Of course. It's still made too

The game of moral dilemmas And you Well it's an app now It's an app Yeah What? Let's get the app Get the app

Oh my god You can just spend your time Just facing moral dilemmas And betting with you How don't you even play with yourself You would just the fine I mean we never actually kept score It was just a

It was just like a discussion game basically Well yeah you could You play it with other people Online Like scruples with friends? Yeah, scruples with friends. See, this is another fun one to make sexy that it's like, who has the sexies answer?

It's like, you're driving alone on a highway at night. A desperate looking person tries to flag you down. Do you stop? It's like, yeah, and then I put his dick in my mouth. Or it's like, how do you get his dick inside of your mouth? Like, what would you say? How do you get it made? You know, how to get it to happen.

You take the existing questions, and you just add a sentence about how you get that person's dick instead of your mouth. I found a whole page that has a bunch of questions. All right. Okay. The police ask you for information about a friend involved in political activities. Do you cooperate fully? Wow, what a snitchy question.

Oh, my God. I know exactly what to do. It's just like all the porns I watch. I'll cooperate, officer. That or I begin to, like, coerce. the information out of you. So it's like, how do you get the information on me? It's like, well, it's like, well, if you make me

come three times, maybe I'll give you a little bit of information. Well, yeah, because the answers are yes, no, or depends. So it sounds like, depends. Depends on how many times I'll make you come. A friend asks you to write a reference for a job you feel he's poorly qualified for. Do you refuse?

Yeah, see, some of these questions were horseshit then and their horse should have. Yeah, you know, and that's all right. I mean, at the same time, you haven't done that for someone before? Written a... Yeah. I've definitely given a recommendation for somebody.

It's like, they should not be in this job at all. They don't deserve this. Have you ever written a recommendation and said, like, they shouldn't, like, explicitly said they don't deserve this? No, but I have, I have said, like, yeah, maybe I can get to it next week. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah, you know, that's all right.

I have done a favor, though. Yeah. Yeah, did you receive a favor? I'll write it for you as soon as you can make me come three-tenth. Depends. Depends. Wow, a lot of these are about jobs. A friend who needs a job applies at your business.

Someone who is more qualified also applies. Do you hire your friend? I mean, if they're not going to be good at it and they're going to screw you over, no. But also, are they going to give it up? These questions are so uptight There was like three sexy ones I wonder I wonder what the wording of that one was

Where you see the person changing It was real creepy Ooh I got one for you Your son has missed the age deadline For kindergarten by two weeks You feel the child is ready Do you misrepresent her aid? Ooh that's fun

Realistic adult problems Yeah all of these are just Yeah these are Yeah your business venture fails and you owe your creditors $15,000. You can avoid payment by declaring bankruptcy, do you? Just a fun game, I imagine. That's not a fun game.

What could happen to my finances. The next one is about a mortgage. No, I don't want to think about mortgages. I already, I'm still too young to think about mortgages. I can't believe that they didn't make scruples sexier in the 25 years since I played it. Let's do it. We got to start writing our own questions. that's what we got to get into.

That's, instead of doing your fanfic candy land, maybe you do your, you know, sexy scruples. This one's about divorce, next one's about child support. Molly, did you have the world's most boring game in your household? I think I did, and I spent a lot of time playing this game, by myself,

just reading the questions. Yeah, and there's nothing about undressing or nakedness. There was a couple, but you had to really dig through all the cards. Ooh, ooh, how's about this one? You are attractive, but poor, and without skills. Someone offers you a lot of money to work for a quote-unquote escort surface.

Do you accept? You are attractive but poor. Do the no skills mean you have no sex skills, though? That's the question. No legal skills. No, like, marketable skills. I mean, I understand. It is marketable.

But not legal. Yeah, and definitely, of course I would. Please. Someone give me that opportunity. I want that opportunity. I've got one for you guys. I got one for you guys. All right. Your good friends' significant other gets quote unquote changed in your bedroom. They leave their underwear on your bed to signify, you know, essentially that they don't have any underwear on in their tiny jammies while they sleep on the couch while your friend is not there. what do you do What are my option Yeah You either Give her the panties back You go up to her

And kiss her Or you Pretend like it didn't exist And throw the panties away Definitely three I'm a boring person I don't know Because

I mean it's not even like an ethical It's more like a social dilemma because I would sit there and think it's like, well, what if I didn't tell her and she thought that I just stole them and kept them for myself? That's a good point. You know?

But then on the other hand, you got to be like, hey, you left something on my bed. And it also depends on what kind of panties they are. Are they like granny panties? Then if they are, then like no problem. Like, that's totally fine. But if it's like a thong or like super sexy lace panties, then that's a little more embarrassing.

Interesting. And also, why did this? this woman not realized she's not wearing any panties. Well, I think part of the question is, did she do it on purpose? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. See, this is an actual, this is an actual situation that happened to a friend of ours years ago. But it wasn't a significant other of a friend.

It was just this woman that he didn't know very well. And so when she's like, can I crash here? He's like, sure. And she put on her jammies that she had and left the panties on his bed. And I was like, you go out and you find. That's like an invitation for fucks, or at least you, you suss out the situation, but instead he just took the panties and was like, you forgot these. And then she slept on the couch. Did she seem disappointed?

Like, oh, I guess I did forget that. Yeah, she was upset about it. And then you try and backtrack, backtrack, backtrack, but he didn't do that because he's a very good guy and he didn't want to assume anything. And then afterwards, when he told all of us, he was like, what are you doing? Yeah. Now, how you handle this situation is you go in and you say like, hey, I think you left something on my bed. And she's like, why did I leave? I was like, why don't you just go grab him? And then you go in and you kind of sit outside the door a little bit. And then when she comes back out, you look at her in her eyes and you know immediately what the situation is. That's a very good point. Because if it was me, I would just come back out, just humiliated redfin.

and sweaty. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a, you can absolutely tell. I'm just like, all right. So, because that's the thing is that with that one, you got it both ways. Yeah. Because that way, you know, if she didn't mean to leave them there, then you can just no words have been said.

Have a nice way out. You're not in the bedroom with her. And you didn't touch her panties either. You didn't do anything to the panties. You just left them on the bed. You didn't do anything. But when she comes back out, if she comes back out and goes like, oh, thank you. then you're like, all right, I read that.

That's the way that goes. But she comes out and just like, thank you so much for telling me about that. Oh, my gosh. How could I have? Oh, my God. I just didn't know. I guess I'm so crazy. I'm so crazy.

I'm so forgetful. Isn't this crazy? It's so crazy. Then that's when you know like, all right. Like you don't go for it right then, but that's when you go back out to the couch. And then that's when, you know, you start the slow ascent up Mount Sex. Yeah, baby. I'm sorry.

I feel like I'm infecting you guys with my horniness. Yeah, right? I'm sorry. I don't know what to do with myself. We answer questions about when you could have sex with somebody. All right. Well, I'll bring it back down to reality. Your lawyer's personal problems have affected his work.

You consider him a friend. Do you take your business elsewhere? I remember that word. Boring. I'm going to take my business elsewhere, Stan. You really need to get your shit together. Your drinking has become an issue. Yeah, but also, yeah, you get a different lawyer.

You know, at the end of the day. Yeah, you get a different lawyer. I don't know. If you've ever been friends with a lawyer, it's very difficult. I mean, that is true. And at the same time, they're going to give you, like, they're probably going to give you like a friend deal on it, too. So, yeah, you know.

Yeah. You know what you do? Make me come three times. I forget about it. You leave the lawyer's card on your bed. You ask, oh, do you mean to leave this here? Did you want me to call you? Rub a dub-dub. How'd them lucky girls get all three of them men waiting in a tub for them? Smelling good. It's hard to choose which career man to clean, but Fleur makes it easy to find a new scent for your brutal huntdown of carnal. desire. Flur is bringing the feeling back into fragrance, like Lionel Richie learns how to love in the music video for hello. Instead of testing a scent on a strip of paper or worse, being ambushed in a busy department store,

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They have not up there of these questions. No. They have not. Oh my God, what a missed opportunity. Scruples could have such good questions now. But how did they do? $9. Okay, here's a current day scruples question. I'm just going to write spontaneously.

Your friend hands you her phone to take a picture of her with. And when you take the picture, you are scrolling through to see which one you should show her that's best, and then you see some nudies. This friend has been flirting with you subtly for a while, and you have been kind of on the fence about it, but when you see your nudies, you are really into it. Hmm.

Do you... You go for it and you mention the nudies about two months into the relationship. Yes. Yeah. Keep that to yourself, and then once everyone's comfortable, the relationship and after she sent you nudies a couple times because if she's taking nudies once and sounds like she's into it taking moss nudies yeah then you're like yeah remember when

I took those pictures of you yeah I accidentally saw some nudies yeah see again that's really good and you didn't do any any sort of creeping you know violations but on the other hand I would never swipe through the pictures in the first place you take a bunch of pictures you hand them back and then they decide yeah you can't swipe you never swipe through a person's phone ever ever ever anyone who does that is a dick. Yeah, you don't know what you're going to get. Yeah. I'm too scared. I know what I've got on my phone and a lot of times most people don't want to see it. I don't look

at anyone's smart. Even if a phone lights up and I know that someone's like waiting for something, I will like openly just like cover the screen, hand the phone like something is happening on the phone. I think you need to look at it. But there are so many opportunities for scruples questions that involve smartphones

not pay phones. Yeah. You dislike all political candidates in their parties. Do you vote? Oh my God, this is so boring. The question that plagues our generation. Hell no, man, we got to update scruples. We got to start writing our own scruples. Jesus, listen to this.

You are a high school principal. Will you hire a gay teacher? Jesus Christ, how old is fucking scruples? This isn't old. This is an old question. Jesus. Fuck. Jesus Christ, Scruples?

What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? Old enough where it's pay phones, but new enough where it's like a friend wants to copy and swap some expensive software. You know it's illegal. Do you swap? Yeah, but that's pretty, that's got to be early 90s. Yeah. Right? Yeah.

I guess. I don't know, man. That's rough. Scruples is getting dark, man. Yeah, Scruples is getting real dark. Scruples is homophobic. That's fine. I mean, you know what?

Is not homophobic? Dream phone, baby? No. Not at all. Yeah, Dreamphone could be totally inclusive. Like anybody could be calling those boys, technically, right? Boys could be calling those boys. Oh, yeah.

And it's whether even if you don't want the boys to like you, it's like, you still, you know, it's still nice to hear. That's all I care about. It's like, it's like, even if I don't want to bang you, just the fact that you want to is nice. Yeah. Or just like someone's like, hey, he really likes you. I'm like, like, as a friend. Cool. So, like, I can have someone to hang out with this weekend.

That'd be nice. Oh, I really like him, too. He seems like a really fun friend to have. Oh, my God. Maybe we can drive to Abilene and watch a movie. And that sounds nice. Independence Day is playing this weekend. Hell yeah.

I'm always down for that. Talk about getting me horny. But, you know, we've already talked about Independence Day this month. Woo, who, who, who, what is wrong with me? me. Why am I so juicy? Oh, speaking of movies from that era, you know what time of the year it is? It's Twister time. You are damn straight, my brother!

Actually, shit, we may even have kind of missed Twister time because Twister time's more like July. Yeah. But I think that we can still do it. I think we can still do it. You definitely, you just, you have to do, even though we're all in our early to mid-30s, you have to do Twister before school gets back in session. Yeah, summer movie, definitely. Yeah.

Yeah, maybe I'll do Twister. I haven't seen Twister. I don't, I've either never seen Twister or I have not seen it since I was like a fifth grader. Maybe I can remember to lend you my copy that I have on Blu-ray. Oh, look at you. I own very few movies on Blu-ray, but Twister is one of them. Was it a gift or did you get it yourself? Oh, I got it myself last summer.

Hell yeah. When we had this conversation last summer. We did because it's difficult to find Twister. It's not streaming anywhere. At least last summer it wasn't streaming anywhere. Yeah, I know. I ordered the Blu-ray, and I think that might be my Saturday night activity this week. I think that sounds great.

Because I can't wait to miss that house. I miss this house and come right after you. It's me, Joe. It's me. I wanted to. Oh, my God. I wanted to fucking silly. Dude.

Oh my God, Bill Paxson was so hot in that movie. Don't judge. Helen Hunt's. Where, I ain't judging you up, man. Do you know how much I obsessed over Helen Hunt and a tank top? Woo. Woo. Her titties were perfect in it.

They were absolutely perfect. Good. Helen Hunt in my memory, it was kind of, it's kind of dowdy. No, not in Twister. Not in Twister. She's got this amazingly hot, tough girl, like tough woman thing going on where you just can't help but fall a little bit in love with her because she's wild and she can't be tamed.

Oh, yeah. It's something, you know what it is? It's the watch. I've noticed that with, like, Marcus, your beautiful girlfriend is amazing in so many different ways, but there's something about a woman that wears that kind of watch.

You know what I'm talking about. That was actually one of the things that, it's strangely enough, it's one of the things that made me, like, attracted to her. And not just attracted, like this woman's got her shit together. And like she's my kind of woman. Like a big watch?

Like a cat, like she wears a Casio watch. Uh-huh. But any, just any kind of watch. Like I love a watch. Because like a watch on a woman, I'm like,

you got your shit together. You got places to be. You got shit to do. Yeah. I always want to get a watch. It's like a life goal that I'm perfectly capable of achieving yet never have.

Yeah. There is, I just, I honestly, until I said that aloud, I didn't realize that that is a big part of why I was so attracted

to Helen Hunt and Twister. And I think that that has led me to banging a lot of people is because of them wearing a watch. Weird. See, I wear a watch. I know you. You wear a watch. Oh yeah. I've worn watches since I was like 12. Can't do without it. Breaks me out if I don't have a watch on. There's something sexy too about a person when you ask them what time it is that doesn't have to take out their phone. True. Yeah. Just look at it is 5.20 p.m. Yeah. And I teach too and I like I always need to know what time it is. And so I've always been meaning to get like a teacher watch, you know,

because I'm not even supposed to have my phone at all when I'm teaching, but I just take out my phone and it's bad because then I get distracted. And instead I can just be like both like stern teacher and sexy lady with a watch, depending on what hat I'm wearing at what time of day. You know the kind of man that wears a watch is Nick Offerman. That is a man that wears a watch. And I needed, I have to bring this up because Molly, you have to start watching the show making it. Okay.

Which is a new reality show that came, the first episode came out last night. It is, I believe it is from the creators of the Great British Bake Off or it is just in the style of it and they're working closely with some of the producers. And it is Nick Offerman and Amy Poehler doing a Great British Bake Off type show except about crafting. and about making things. Oh, yeah. Okay. And everyone is very supportive of each other. And the whole, like, baseline of it is that Nick Offerman is hot, hot, hot, daddy.

And you know that he's an actual, like, carpenter and he does all of this stuff. And so he is the one that is knowledgeable on it. And Amy Poehler knows nothing about crafting. And so they learn through this process and then they bring in judges. But I got to say, immediately, my heart has been. captured. By Nick Offerman? I mean always by Nick Offerman, but the show in general.

All right. Yeah, that sounds fantastic. Dude, it is, it is heartwarming, and it is delightful, and they get patches that they get to put on their aprons, and I love it, and I don't know how to find it, because I, Devsau started, what is it, recording it, taping it? DBR. DV.R.

TV. And it just came out last night, and I think they're going to start putting it on NBC. or maybe possibly Hulu in the future, but throwing it out there, it's fantastic. It's a real show on television. Yeah, on NBC. Okay, see, that's my type of, I like to watch things on TV like an old person. I get on the TV with the commercial so I can take a break to go to the bathroom.

I like to just turn it on a channel surf. Boy, well, that's the problem with commercials. They're too long to sit through and too short for a trip to the time. Oh, you are getting my goat right now. I tell you what. I actually got that from a Garfield's trip, except he said, too short for a trip to the litter box. Garfield!

You silly, son of a bitch! He's silly and it's time for the lid. Who's on the list? Marcus, got to have that list. Well, thing is about the list this week is The list that we got, we've done already. No. I realized as we were, yeah, celebrities who have given up children for adoption.

Dang, right. I went to, because I remember we talked about Joni Mitchell giving up. I remember we talked about David Crosby. And that actually, David Crosby, there's a little bit of an update on that. They reconnected and they're, I think, recording an album together. Good for them. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Does he still look like a walrus in human skin? Very much so God, I would kill to watch Crosby Stills Nash and Young Also throwing it out there this weekend Ed and Henry and I are going to see Yellow And I couldn't be any more excited about it I bet that's going to be a fantastic show

Dude, it's going to be ESM Oh yeah Me and Carolyn went and saw television last night And that was great Don't you have one in your living room Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Set myself. Yeah, don't you worry.

Don't you worry. I still got it, guys. I may be old, but I still got it. I don't know the word DVR, and that's okay. All right, it's time for blind items. We get him. This permanent A-list singer is going to screw up her whole lap band surgery thing. Yes, she barely eats now and basically leaves an untouched plate at every restaurant she goes to in town.

However, she is drinking way more wine than she used to and doesn't seem to think liquid calories count as calories. Aretha Franklin? No. Diva. Big, maybe a bigger diva than Aretha. What? I mean, as far as being a difficult human being.

Oh, okay, but a lap band surgery, you got to be pretty big to get a lap band surgery. I mean, I know these things I definitely. have looked into them in the past. The thing is, though, is she's not that big. Mariah Carey. Yes. What? Every blind eye on the dancer is Mariah Carey.

How? Well, she is a fascinating person. I don't understand because, like, the whole thing, I remember going in for a lap band, and it's like, you have to be a specific way to be able to get a lap band. Yeah, but you know, Maria Carrey's just got a guy. Yeah, she's got a guy. She can, I think, she can bypass the whole. requirement. Good Lord, girl. That ain't no good. That actually scares me.

Like beyond just like funny ha-he-hees, that scares me because I've known multiple people that have gotten either lap band surgery or that kind of thing. It's like, because there's not a whole lot you can keep down. It's like, oh, well, then I just eat a bag of chips because I can keep that down. And that's horrifying. Oh, no. Is Mariah Carey going to have to be in our list of deaths to come soon? She's going to get skirt. or something if she's not eating any food. Yeah, she's only drinking wine. I mean, that's just shug, but I guess it's grapes.

Heart healthy. It's a lot of sugar. I mean, it's better than brusky's. So you know what? Good on ya. Good on ya. And the other one we got, this permanent A-list, mostly movie actor, is the frontman for a new organization that will make films that show this religious cult in a positive light.

Tom Cruise? No, but close. Close. John Tra! Yes, indeed. Johnra! You had to run and carry it in Chantra? You didn't preview this Blind Adams as like the essence of page seven.

It's the classic blind items time. Wow. Hell yeah, man. What Battlefield Earth wasn't good enough? No, he's going to be like the front man for the new Scientology channel. Well, I'm sure that'll help. Oh, no. That does not seem like total weird creeps.

They really need to get somebody else. if they want to stay relevant. But they're going for John Travolta, who was just in the hit movie Gotti. Yeah, you know, zero percent of Rotten Tomatoes, but again, we know how I feel about that. I mean, this does go along the lines of, I don't know if you saw this thing that I sent you

that said Jud Apatow swears Tom Cruise didn't know internet porn existed. That's weird. He actually did not know that porn on the interwebs exists. As of like 2006, Tom Cruise had no idea that you could watch pornography on the internet. He's like, fantastic. Oh, interesting. I can get my rocks off and no one has to know what I get my rocks off to.

Actually, the way they talked about his reaction, it was like, wow, that's amazing. I got to go. I got a thing to catch up out of here. I got to get out of here. You know what? The time has flown. I'll see you later. Thank you guys so much for having as a casino.

I got to go. I got some things to crank out. I think that although I wish that John Trae would incorporate Scientology-based porn on this because I would watch it, right? With like beard or neck beards, you know, with those like the braids that he had in Battlefield Earth. I'm not sexually attracted to.

but I can't imagine pulling on it in sex. Hmm. Have you been pulling on beards in sex? Maybe. All right, that's all we got that for on today's page seven. Thank you very much for listening, everybody. Hell yeah. Thank you guys so much.

I really appreciate you guys. Tune in every week. We love doing it. And if you would like, please head on over to our Patreon page, Molly and I are continuing on with our pretty little liars saga that we are doing. once a week, every week, with our self-control. We never look ahead.

Please watch it along with us. It is patron.com slash page seven podcast, seven the number. My name is Jackie Zabrowski. You can follow me on Instagram at Jack That Worm. My name is Molly Neffle. I'm on Instagram at MJK Elk. Marcus Parks for Everything. And we love you.

I am sorry if this made you horny if you were in your workplace or if you were in your car. But soon you will be in a... in some sort of place that you can definitely get your rocks off. And aren't we all happy about that? We are. We are. Love ya!

Bye.