Page 7 - Episode 280: Revenge of Nana's Christmas

Episode Date: November 29, 2018

Jackie and Molly discuss Hallmark movies, Amanda Byne's interview for Paper magazine, and the 2018 Goop gift guide. Go to http://koparibeauty.com/page7 to make the safe switch today, and save five-dollars off your first order when you subscribe! Get your first refill pack free at http://getquip.com/page7 Robinhood is giving a free stock to build your portfolio at http://page7.robinhood.com Patreon supporters get tons of hot bonus goss and help the show! Support us today! www.patreon.com/page7podcast D Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time. Do they know it's Christmas time at? They know it's Christmas time at all. Very problematic song. Very problematic song to start the podcast with today. Welcome to H-7, everybody. My name is Jackie Zabrowski. My name is Molly Neffle, and I have very, very,

much willfully forgotten the existence of that song. It's rough. It's been in my head a lot just so everybody knows Marcus is not here today because I think he's stuck in like a snowstorm or something. It's something that's very planes, trains, and automobiles. You know what? I stopped listening after a couple of minutes. So, you know, it sounds to me a little bit like he might meet, I mean, I know he already

has the love of his life, but if he were in a Hallmark movie, he'd be about to meet the love of his life. Dude, I know, and I love Carolina so much, and he would never do anything. So that's why, what are the other tropes that he might find himself? You know what it is? Maybe that he doesn't have the spirit of Christmas and maybe Santa Slay is also going to be

stuck at the airport. And then Santa's going to come in and you're like, oh no, that's just a fat jolly man. Couldn't possibly be Santa. And then on Christmas morning or tomorrow, everyone's just going to wake up with a bunch of presents in all of their luggage. And just like, how did he know that I wanted

engagement ring for Christmas. Yeah, I think that that has to be what happens because, I mean, I think that Marcus is fully capable of having the Christmas spirit in him. Obviously not the Thanksgiving spirit, as we learned a few weeks ago. But, you know, if we were going to choose out of the hallmark bag of tricks, it's got to be that he's not feeling the Christmas spirit. And then his journey being stuck in the snow is going to teach it to him. And I think that that's something that everyone needs to take into their hearts this year.

If you don't have the spirit of Christmas, the spirit of Christmas will come after you and fuck up every single one of your plans. Oh, what, you want to go home for Christmas? You can't. You don't have enough Christmas spirit to do that. So I hope he learns a couple of lessons that Marcus Parks about not having enough Christmas spirit. You better make room for the Christmas fucking spirit or you can kiss your schedule goodbye. Yeah, because everything is fucked for you. good luck you sinner you thought and joy sinner um that's not what marcus is i don't think that marcus likes christmas at least not the way that i love christmas i don't think he's quite as much in the spirit of christmas as you are i think if if hallmark had to cast someone to be like the person who

has the most spirit of christmas i'm not sure if marcus would be the one of the three of us who would be cast first no no no but maybe um but maybe we can just get back to the lyrics of Do they know it's Christmas time at all? It's hard. It's hard, but when you're having fun, there's a world outside your window, and it's a world of dread and fear, where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears.

Jesus Christ, this song. Talk about Christmas spirit. They're really making you feel. Also, I know, I mean, I don't know a whole lot, but I'm pretty sure it does snow in Africa. Yes, because of South Africa. And also, correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems to be that the origin of this song is 1984.

Band-Aid. And the year in 1984, not the book, 1984. And that is not long ago enough for it to be this racist. But technically they were trying to do good. I am now looking at a picture of giraffes standing in snow. It definitely snows in Africa. They did not do any of their. I know that it was a big

they were raising money for Africa. Yeah, also Africa is, I mean, it's a continent like the idea of the entire also I'm sure they know about fucking Christmas. I just

you know it makes me I forget about this song every year and then every time I hear I'm just like good Lord And I mean, this is coming from a woman that loves Christmas shoes. I don't like great songs. But it's just so goddamn catchy.

It was re-recorded three times. First, when it's origin in 1984, it was re-recorded in 1989, 2004, and 2014. Again, I can't emphasize as enough, at which point we all should have known if we didn't already know in 1984 that this is very, very, very, very, very. wrong. I love too that they got so many different people to come in to like formulate Band-Aid and no one questioned it. No one questioned any of it. It's like Sting, Sting doesn't know anything about feed people in Africa, right? Sting is really the face of this. I mean, I just, you know, my entire reference for the world when I was a kid was the Simpsons. I didn't like things, things that the Simpsons were referring to, like that had happened in real life. Those are like the real version for me,

You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this is just like when Bart falls down the well and Sting comes and they all sing about the boy stuck in the well. Like I'm like, oh, this is like that time of the Simpsons. And of course, that was, you know, not the original version of these events. It's a cartoon. But at the same.

It's a cartoon. You know, maybe we'll get all of the African children that are starving out of their wells of despair and dread. at least that's what they're doing with this song well god here's to them underneath that burning sun do they know it's christmas time at all oh my god it's really it's really only 1984 that they did this which i'm you know i feel like every time you say 1984 it would make more sense if it happened in the book 1984 right Yes, right. If this was an example of like the absolute like a morally repulsive behavior under a dystopia, then yes. But instead this was a bunch of people who were like, we're doing great. Let's raise some money. But I mean, speaking of other collectives that are awful, you know, I love my Christmas shoes. I went down a bit of a Christmas shoes hole a couple of days ago about New Song. So New Song is the band that sings Christmas. You know, I don't buy the shoes. I also watched the Christmas shoes, which was the Hallmark movie with Rob Lo. Spoiler alert, it's not good. Is it based on the song? Kind of? I was real cheap while I was watching it,

because I think that's the only way you're allowed to watch the Christmas shoes. But in the music video, new song is like, it's a gaggle of white dudes that's saying, but there's no reason to have this many men. And in the video, there's only one dude singing it. What do all the other dudes do? Can we see them in the video? Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah. They're kind of just standing around looking mysterious with the Christmas spirit. Interesting. They're not playing instruments or doing other Christmas-like activities, like wrapping presents. I mean, they've got scarves on. My favorite one is I watched a video, I guess it was a fan-made video. At first, I thought it was the official video for Christmas shoes. And it's, It was just an acting out of the entire song with a little boy who's dirty,

but he also mouths the words to the, like, sir, I want to buy these shoes for my mama, please, and that whole, all the chorus, he mouths it out, and it's awful. The acting is atrocious, but I highly recommend you look for it. If you just search the Christmas shoes, you can find the video for it. I feel like this is actually how I conceptualize what music videos, Like if I was in charge of making a music video, that's the music video I would make. But for every song, it would just be like me singing the song in a very narrative kind of. Like I would just be literally acting out very, very literally acting out the idea of the song and singing it much like a kind of musical theater performance.

Yes. As opposed to what a music video actually is, which is like an artistic. Endeavour. Yes. That accompanies the music. Hi. It's, you know what? I implore you.

Molly to start making music videos of your favorite songs. Just you and Freddie, you've got the time. You've got, I mean, you've got a baby. You've got the time to do this. I think that you would do a really good job at it. Yeah, I mean, I do sing to her a lot. So why not just set up a video studio? And it's just me imagining whatever the narrative story behind these songs that enter my head are like,

it's hard to say what it is. I see in you. Still there. Still there. Oh, no. The music video would just be me, like, imagining the story of whatever that song is, presumably just me singing to somebody who I have a crush on. And I was just looking right at the camera and just singing it.

Hopefully your husband, Molly, the only man you're allowed to have a crush on. That's, well, I just don't, I would want to look at the lyrics of that song before I would commit to bringing anyone, any real nonfiction characters into my, um, musical theater presentation of it. I understand. Maybe you could be singing it to Kurt Russell's Santa Daddy. Have you watched Christmas Chronicles yet? So here's my status with Christmas movies.

Please hit me. I am very short on time because I have not been sleeping a lot. A baby. So because of when I get home from work and when I have to go to sleep in order to not lose my absolute mind. I don't have time for even the length of a Christmas movie, which is usually like an hour and a half or an hour or an hour and 20. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hour 20. And so what I did, and I thought that you would be really proud of me. And I'm very proud to come here and I feel like a child who's done their homework. I am already proud of you. I went on my on demand and I saw under

Hallmark that there is a whole category called specials. And I was like, excellent. And there is a 2018 Miracles of Christmas preview special hosted by none other than Candice Cameron Burr Oh my God and listen I love dogs

but this dog looked a little rough You wait to know Molly please It looked a little Rough How wow she's still Got it Still got it This dog looked a little

Bow wow wow wow And And Candice Cameron Burr also looked a little rough. Yeah, that's just a regular rough. That's just a regular, regular rough. And she very kindly, just took me through all of the new Christmas movies

that Hallmark is bringing this year. And the great news is that they're almost all sequels to movies that already exist. Oh, good. I really got a lot of, I feel like I got caught up on the canon, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which one, are there any that you're particularly

looking forward to watching? You know, there's one called Marrying Father Christmas. Oh, hell yeah. Which is the third in a trilogy. How? And when they're trying to the Santa Claus it? There can be only one. The Santa Claus is the Highlander of those movies.

And it is about people who, I guess in the first movie they met at Christmas time, don't know what happened in the second movie. Probably they got engaged at Christmas time. And in the third movie, they're getting married at Christmas time. And I just think, I'm sure people do this, but I feel like it would be, as someone who had planned a wedding, I would rather die than be married at a time when people are very busy and when I am very busy. Yeah, you mean like my older sister who's getting married on December 23rd? December 23rd. December 23rd.

I've got nothing else to say about that. Is she marrying Father Christmas? I know what this film. I'm going to do some investigating because if he doesn't turn out to be Father Christmas, I'm pissed. Because everybody's just like, oh, it's so fun to plan a wedding and plan Christmas. And I'm like, what time do you guys have? How do you all have this much time? People are like, on her way home for the holidays, she ran into an old friend.

And over the weeks of being home for the holidays, their relationship developed. These people are home for a whole month for the fucking holidays. I don't understand how they get. I mean, a lot of them, you know, they're in their big city and their, you know, their boutiques shut down and they got to go home for a while. But they really do spend a lot of times. Like, I'm in and out. Four days.

Four days. Yeah. I go there. I immediately come back. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I travel for Christmas almost every year to travel home. This is the only year that I am not because my folks are out here.

And I would go for between four and five days every time. I don't have three and a half weeks off. I don't have time to develop a new relationship when I'm home because I don't have any time. I know. And I know that we talk about it every year about going home and finding your old flame, of which we all know that I have never been able to do. But how do we, like, how do we have the Hallmark Christmas life? Uh-huh.

How can we create that for ourselves? Yeah. I think that the answer is number one, be Candace Cameron Beret, which we will never be, but that's fine. So we cross that off the list. Get the Rough Looking Dog is step number two. God, she's so tight. How does she stay so tight?

Is it the love of Jesus Christ? Is that what I'm missing? She's tight, like, it seems like a hostage situation kind of tight to me. That she just has to, or else the father of her, like, 20 children will leave her? Look at her eyes. She looks like she's got a gun to her back. Like, I'm having so much fun. Especially that she's going to be starring in a shoe addicts, Chris.

Did you watch the preview of that? I did not see the Shoe Addix Christmas one. Oh, man. It's, uh, she is, um, I believe that she is a guardian angel. I am in a friend's apartment store. Melakaliki maka is a thing to say on a bride of wine Christmas day. Sometimes it's the smallest changes that can have the biggest benefits. Like putting a mango in your night.

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Goodbye. I'm Vincent DiNoffrioing from the cell. To go back to your question about how we have a Hallmark Christmas, I think that we have to, it's gonna be hard since we're not in the same, you know, city, but I think that it has to involve, like, inviting everyone we know, over to decorate the Christmas tree. Right. Inviting everyone we know over to decorate the rest of the house somehow in all of your

Christmas decorations doing and having, you know, there's always a Christmas party that I've never actually been to in real life, like, uh, where all of your neighbors are there for some reason. Yeah. You know, you have to have all the neighbors over. You have to sing carols. Like all of these, uh, these, they really just make it a series of events that, you know, is unlike what my real life holiday experience is, which is usually just like lots of

holiday parties and then just feeling like a zombie the entire month from all of the social drinking. It's a lot of social drinking, which I definitely have that portion of it covered completely. You know what it is that we need to live our lives a little more like Christmas with the cranks? But that's not a, that's not a hallmark. That's a real one, right? That's a real one. And one of those ones that I just end up watching, at least three times every year, and I don't know why. I don't like it. Why do I watch it so much? Yeah, that's one that I haven't. Over the years of us doing this show and talking about movies, Christmas movies, I have, like, taken the leap and watched some that I had not ever seen before,

like the Santa Claus. I mean, that is a classic. I know. It's a classic, and I'm glad I did, but, you know, Christmas with the Cranks is just not a leap I'm willing to take. I understand. I mean, technically, it should be a hit. It's got Tim Allen. and Jamie Lee Curtis in it. Yeah. What could go wrong? I remember Freaky Friday. Everything Jamie Lee Curtis touches turns to gold.

Yes. It's why I started eating yogurt and immediately stopped because it hurt my stomach. So regarding famous people and Christmas movies and Hallmark, something happens with the Hallmark movies where everyone is like a C list or minus actor. And then sometimes they'll be a person where you're like, oh, them? For example, Kathy Lee Gifford in the movie God Winks. Wait, God Winks as in Wink.

Oh, yes. It's about the coincidences that bring us together that are so special that we know it's not random. It's God winking. No, I don't want a God wink. And Kathy Lee Gifford is there, and her character is talking about her dead husband, which is too close to home for me with Kathy Lee Gifford. Oh, it is, it's based on a book. You know what?

Maybe we need to read when God winks. I just feel like, I feel like it's not good when God winks. It's like, usually when I'm winking, it's like a, you know, like, ugh. It's sinister. I associate it as a sinister behavior. Yeah, it's not good. It's shifty is what it is. I don't need, you know, whatever you believe in up there to be shifty. Don't fuck with me, bro. Don't you shit in my face and tell me it's raining. Yeah, right. I think that God winks like when you step in dog shit, God wings. Wings. Did that fuck up your day? It's like not having the Christmas spirit. I feel like this all goes around where it just like, they're just using, finding excuses to fuck. with you in your everyday life. We maybe have to have to do a Christmas book club and we read the Godwings. Oh, yes, I agree.

But speaking of C-less celebrities where they pack in the A-A-plus-less celebrity hallmark movies, did I yell at you over Marco Polo about a Christmas melody? I don't believe so. You must have been yelling at somebody else. I was definitely yelling about it. I know that I was yelling to Mary about. it. So Mary and I are going to start watching our Hallmark movies starting Thursday. We're starting calling it Jolly's 2018 when we're going to live stream and watch for our patrons

of different Hallmark movies. And a Christmas melody is definitely on the list because I just, we got to talk about this movie. It is, so it's Lacey Chabair, which, you know, I love her, but she's a little C-list. Not in a Hallmark, you know, realm, but I love her because of Party of Five. Obvi. So she goes back to her hometown. She closes down her boutique in New York. She goes to her hometown for a month to like regroup. She moves in with her parents. But her rival, her high school rival runs the PTA where her kid is now going to school. High school rival, meaning they were in high school at the same time, is played and the movie is directed by none other than Mariah Carey. No.

What? What universe that Lacey Shabir and Mariah Carey went to high school at the same time? I'm not sure. I guess it's the Christmas spirit that I lack. That in Mariah Carey's mind, she can pass for being like mid-30s. I mean, I feel like there's a hallmark thing where it's like reverse selling out where I actually don't want them to have bigger names. It's like, it's like, it's selling out for Hallmark to have anybody who is like higher level than formerly on full house, you know? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But Mariah Carey's 48 years old. You know, she's not.

She ain't. And also, girls been hard on her body. And you know I love me some Mariah Carey. I feel bad for her. But at the same time, she is now being declared the queen of Christmas. And I immediately was like, she's not the queen of Christmas. But I guess who is? I think she is.

And I think that, you know, I am kind of every Christmas surprised to learn that I am in a great minority of people who does not love all I want for Christmas is you. I mean, you can't deny how catchy it is. I wanted to sing it at the top of the show because it also has been stuck in my head. But you know what? I can't do it. The way that Mariah Carey also can't do it anymore. I can't do it. That's something you have in common.

Mariah Carey and I, I feel like we have a lot in common. One day we're going to meet and we're going to be like, oh my God, soul sisters. Once I get that reality show where I just hide my children and want to be in the spotlight, that's the only reason why I want to have children is so that I can push them away so they will always know that I'm better than they are. Just like Mariah Carey. Oh my God. I mean, she's acting in this film? She's not just behind the camera.

Starring and directed by Mariah Carey. Wow, that's real big guns by Hallmark. So I'm saving it to watch as one of our weekly movies in December. And I think that I don't want to watch it. I think I want to watch it for the first time live. I'm almost that excited about it. You better watch the fucking Godwinks now that I told you about it. I don't know if I can, Molly.

I don't know if I can. And I, you know what, I am always forever intrigued by Kathy Lee Gifford, but I just don't know if I can. How are we going to be Kathy Lee and Hoda if we are not familiar with all of Kathy Lee Gifford's body of work? God damn it, you're right. All right, I'll work on it. You said it's on the hallmark. Man, and that's the thing, though, is, ooh, they get you. The Hallmark streams all of the, like, you can do Hallmark Unlimited streaming of their movies for like $5.99 for a month.

And I was like, yeah, I'm going to fucking do that. I'm going to watch this shit out of every. single one of those movies, especially mingle all the way. Oh. There's just so many. This is the thing. I now, because of the special that I watch with Canada's Cameron Bray, I know about the new ones coming out this year.

And when you look at like the cash of movies in the archives, there are so many Hallmark Christmas movies. There's more than any human being could ever. why. There's so many of them. There's so many of them. There's just, you know what, there's so many that have to do with baking. Just so many of them have to do with baking. Why? I mean, it is a central activity to Christmas. I know, but then that's why I like to watch like the holiday bakeoffs, like the cookie bakeoffs and shit like that on the Food Network, which again, we've discussed, you know, the Thanksgiving shows are way better for Food Network. I'm not as excited, although I am excited, which I'm hoping that the Great American Light Fire, start soon because I love it. I have been watching the Great American Light Fight. Has it started? Yeah, there was one. That was actually what prompted. I was I was mildly bored by it and it prompted me to go and watch the homework. Whoa. Whoa. Hey Molly. Them's fighting words. I know. I know. I did not watch the whole thing, but I did watch it. It's there. It is available to watch. I love it. I'm sorry. It's the great Christmas

light fight. And I watch it every year. It's one of those ones I immediately forget about until around this time of you. I'm like, oh, yeah, I do get obsessed with that weird, dumb show. And these people that put so much effort into making their houses so magical, which, you know what? Gronia. But also, I can't imagine ever, like, in our neighborhood, we had the people that, like, we knew people that did that. But a lot of them paid people to do it.

And I think that that takes some of the Christmas spirit. of it, but I think I would be way more likely to not put the elbow grease into it just to have a fantastical house. Yeah, I mean, I guess that if I could pick like the best version, the best Christmas spirit version of myself, like that I'll never be, I would be the person who bait, who's who's on holiday baking championship and not the person on the great light fight because, like, that's a lot of like physical labor and a lot of storage needs and organizational needs that I don't have, but I want to be the type of fun lady slash now fun mom who shows up to like any social event in December and is like, I brought a yule log. And there was like, yay. You know what it is?

I don't want to do anything that I have to use a ladder multiple times, you know? Yeah. I don't need a ladder. I'm not made for a ladder. We have a step ladder in my kitchen right now because there's all of our cabinet space is so high. And I am terrified of the step ladder. I have a step ladder. I have haven't used it once. No, never get on the step ladder. Just reach for and go, eh, eh, until Gideon comes home. And that's, I know, I know that you're strong and I know you can do it, but also I'm not going to climb. And if it's up there, you know what, it gets up there forever. That's how I see it. I wish, I want to meet the person that takes the photographs for the covers of the Hallmark channels, because they are, you know what, I'm throwing an upsetting on it.

there's something so upsettingly stagnant about their dead eyes and their dead smiles. Like I'm looking at homegrown Christmas with Lori Loughlin and some generic hot daddy number B, which also, but that's a thing, though, they get the hottest generic daddies in these fucking shows. Yeah, either they're actually legit hot, which was the case for some of them, or they're like really like 78% attractive, you know. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry.

I immediately stopped listening because I saw a poster for one called North Pole Open for Christmas, which sounds like a porn. But it is right. Is that I feel like now I immediately want to write the, I want to write a porn version of North Pole open for Christmas, which I just feel like I want to. I want to start saying that every time I open my legs, whether I'm about to have sex or not. Just like North Pole, open for Christmas.

You want to see if she's open? Uh-oh, gates open. Better come on inside. Ooh, it's cold out there. You come on into my cottage. It's cold out there. It is, um, but North Pole open for Christmas has Lori Loflin and Dermit Mulroney.

But the thing is that it has something to do with this teen elf child. So all of it makes me very upset. Lori Laughlin is in three out of four Hallmark movies. I'm so happy for her because I think that she does not have to act at any other time of the year.

No, except for Fuller House too. Yes, right. I guess that's true. I was going to say nor is she necessarily invited to act for the rest of the year. But I'm wrong because there is still Fuller House. Oh, God. And also, Candice Cameron Bray was saying she was talking to E-News and she was talking about how like, I would do Fuller House forever. And she's going on and on about how much she loves DJ Tanner, which, yeah, yada, yada, yada.

She's such a weird robot woman, but I'm so entranced by her. But what really upset me is that she said that in the upcoming season of Fuller House, that they are featuring a musical episode, one that would feature the cast dancing and singing, an homage to La La Land. Oh, no. Oh, ladies, why do you do? what you do. I mean, admittedly, that is a very 90s sitcom thing to have your musical episode, right? I guess. And I mean, you didn't hear me hem and haugh about the Riverdale one.

Well, you heard me hem and haugh about it. Yeah, because I mean, you know, it wasn't very good. They're never very good. Don't force a bunch of people that don't usually dance and sing to dance and sing like La La Land, you know? Yeah, especially not like La La Land. The best musical episode of any sitcom is the Zach Attack episode of Saved by the Bell. I see, I never got into Saved by the Bell. What happened with that one? They just form a band and they get really popular and it's like shot like, you know, 90s rock band style music videos and it's narrated by Casey Kasem and when I was a kid, I thought the music in that episode was so good. I was like, why don't they put out an album of the songs that Zach Attack sings? And I think I was the only person.

on earth who wanted that. I'm sure that many people out there. It's got to be on Spotify, right? Thought we'd always be together. Ooh, girl? I was sure our love would last. I still remember all of it. Hell yeah, girl.

You fuck, whoa. My problem is I got to get off this. I have to get off this website. I have to get off of the Hallmark Channel because I saw another one called Journey Back to Christmas that is Candace Cameron Barreigh. And Tom Scarrant. Who's Tom Scarrant?

Tom Scarrett is the dad in Steel Magnolias. He's done many, many, many other things. But in my brain, he's always the dad from Steel Magnolias. I think it has something to do with an asteroid and World War II. So if I'm guessing by the cover of this, it has something to do with both those things, which obviously, yeah. I was having no fun brushing, but then. I got quip. My teeth had no vibrations, but then I got quip.

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Happy holidays. Did you see there was a Twitter, there was a tweet that was a collection of all of the different Christmas movie covers that featured a man and a woman who are each wearing a red sweater and a green sweater. Ooh, no. Send it. It makes you want to shoot your eyes out. Hell yeah.

That sounds great. It's like really, really upsetting and scary. You know, there's one thing that I think I need to write a letter to Hallmark. I didn't mean to talk about this for so long. I want to write a letter to Hallmark because bitches need to get more woke over at the Hallmark Channel. It's a little, it's a little rough. I feel like it's the same, it's like my love for Chip and Jojo Gaines.

You know, I turn a blind eye, which I shouldn't, even though, you know, that they are a part of an organization that is, I'm going to say not woke, which is the nicest way to say it. Deeply, deeply, deeply, deeply homophobic. Deeply, but they are not. It's just what they associate with. Not that I'm saying that I'm giving them an excuse because. I don't support that, but I do love them as people. I love what they do. It's the same with the Hallmark Channel. There is not one interracial couple on any of these posters. Not one. Oh no. Not one. No. No, no, no.

And I feel like they think that they're being woke just by having diversity at all. And they're like, no, everyone else gets their own movie. But like, oh God, come on. They shoot it all in Canada. I know Canada's more woke than we are. Yeah, but I think. Canada has to let people in even if they're not woke, you know. Yeah, I guess. I mean, I don't think, I guess my question, especially after this fucking Godwinks thing, is, is it explicitly a Christian channel? I think it is.

Because a lot of their movies, because then I started going through like the regular movies that aren't just the Christmas movie on Hallmark, and a lot of them are very, yeah, religious. Yeah, I mean, it really took me by surprise. I thought I was just along for a Christmas ride, not a Christ ride, you know? But I think that, were we talking about this yesterday, that that's what happened with me with the damn left behind series. Man, did I feel dumb? I'm not a smart woman, but I know what love is.

But I know that I'm not very smart. And when I was, I'm going to say like 16, whenever those books were coming out, I didn't know anything about like Kirk Cameron's like whole, you know, religious, resurgence or whatever it is. And so I read the first book and a half of the left behind because I thought it was just like a post-apocalyptic. Like, everyone disappears. What the fuck is happening?

A fun hunger game. Yeah, yeah. That's a rapture. And I'm worried that that's what's happening with the Hallmark Channel. And I, it's not like I'm going to stop watching it. No, but I think that we should all be prepared for the fact that they might be slowly trying to convert us. They're not going to do it.

You can't convert me. I don't believe in shit. That's how it goes. I believe in myself. And I believe in hot dogs. And if there was a hot dog God, I believe in that. I believe in taking every part of an animal

and twirling it down and shoving it into a casing for me to gulp. One thing that I learned from watching the kind of highlights of all these Hallmark movies is, that I think that at least in pop culture, I don't know if this actually happens in real life, but every single scene that they featured in the special was one character asking another character, what do you remember about your childhood Christmas? And it seems like basically it's a lot of characters kind of like living out their childhood, you know, traumas or like

where they're kind of like suspended in their like childhoods kind of trying to resolve things they were never able to. And it made me really think, like, are we constantly trying to either, like, write the wrongs of our childhood Christmases or go back to the idyllic time of our childhood? Like, Hallmark will have you believe that we all had these idyllic childhood Christmases.

And I'm going to say that that is not the case for everyone. No, no, no, no, that's not. No, you can't. A lot of it is just like, no, I'd rather not. How about we don't think about the past? That's usually my whole MO, just in life. Like, why have we just pretended like, didn't exist. That's kind of fun. That's fun too. But all these movies are like, the real

spirit of Christmas is for us to creepily do exactly what we did as children. Now that we're adults, we'll still go to Nana's house. That was one of the movies. They went to Nana's house and from beyond the grave, Nana had left them a list of all the things that she wanted them to do to come back together as a family for Christmas. Good Lord. See, that's just creepy. That You know what you do? Take it, turn it into a horror movie. Yeah, exactly. What does Nana need us to do?

What does Nana need us to do? We just want to have a good Christmas. Oh, that'll know. We have to go pick out a Christmas tree at Old Man Smith's Christmas tree lot. No, no, he's been dead for 18 years. That lot was bought out by Walmart 12 years ago. What are we supposed to get a tree? What do we do?

I just said, do it. Okay, Nana, and then if you don't do it, she starts, like, killing off all the family members, starting with the youngest. And I think that's a lot of fun. It's the revenge of Nana's Christmas. God, we've got to start writing these things. That's a really, really good. That is a Hallmark movie I would watch immediately. Man, I'm going to write so many letters to Hallmark.

They're going to get so many script ideas for me. it's going to be great. I don't think that they're going to be into it. I'm also really excited because I'm trying to find this Mary Steenbergen movie that's not a Hallmark movie. It's called Dead of Winter. It's a horror Christmas movie. I think it's more like a New Year's Eve movie. And she plays three different roles in it. My roommate was telling me about it. I was just like, I want to see Mary Steen Virgin, Mary Steenbergin, Mary Steenbergin. Of course I do. Is it, it's a new movie or an old movie? An old movie. It's got Roddy McDowell in it. Really?

Yeah. It's going to be great. I'm going to find it, and I'm going to tell you all about it. I don't know why I'm talking about this now, as if I had anything else to say. I just wanted to say it. I think, you know what? You got to state your intention sometimes, and it's something that I want to see. And now everybody knows.

I like her. I love Mary Steenbergin. I want to give her big old kiss. She's like a fun mom. She's a hot mom. And she's an elf, and I love elf. I've already watched Scrooge and I watched Crampus, which is a fun romp. highly recommend crampus.

Yeah, Cranpus looks fun. My problem is I save them all. I say it like I parcel out the ones that I love and then I just fill the rest of my time with Hallmark movies. I think that's the best way to do it. You don't need to go through all the other garbage. Mm-hmm.

But, you know, now on to current news, I do want to just talk about real fast. Gotta bring it up. Amanda Binds' interview in paper magazine. Yeah. So I did just did a, you know, some glancing, but there is a lot there. Could you tell me the highlights of what we learned about Amanda Bynes and her real journey

that she opens up about? I mean, essentially, what she's saying is that it had nothing, none of it had anything to do with mental illness. It was all drug addiction. It all had, it was all drug addiction. But then she goes into, like, talking about all the different movies that she would watch and all the different movies that she would be in and watch the footage of the movies. and she couldn't take how she looked in it

because she has body dysmorphia. And so she would just keep doing more drugs because she didn't like how she looked. And then, you know, that slowly evolves. But like, but like, but she was very vehemently saying that like, I am not mentally ill. It is just drug addiction. Interesting.

I feel like I'm, I, obviously those are, that distinction is like, I think important. And I think sometimes when we talk about those two things, we like, even if somebody might suffer from both or might live with both, I should say, like we sometimes conflate them. But it's interesting that she's like very vehemently denying like being affected by one. And kind of, yeah, I guess I am not necessarily used to people parsing it. So, so clearly like that.

I will say though, so she did. So she's like, essentially she never did like math. She didn't do blow. She was smoking a bunch of weed. like dosing herself crazy with Adderall and then she did a lot of Molly and ecstasy. But like the things that she was doing, like I've done a lot of all those things, you know? And I know that I'm not like a famous person, but I also did like, oh, like, she had a lot of crazy moments that I mean, sure, Molly makes you act a little weird, of course.

X-C-C-E, you know, yeah. And, I mean, I used the Adderall for a long time. But I don't know if I believe this whole, like, I'm fine, though, because she wants to start acting again. Uh-huh. Yeah, it seems like, and especially if she has that level of body dysmorphia, too, it sounds like there's nothing. It sounds like, I guess what it sounds like to me that has a little bit of me waving a red flag is like that to kind of like, it's almost like she's stigmatizing mental illness and saying, no, I don't have. have that. It was just drugs. And it sounds like, well, if there was any sort of mental illness factor that was contributing to you like using drugs the way that you did, right,

or not being able to cope like with what was going on, then it's not like we have to be like, oh, it would be really, really terrible if it was mental illness, although understandable because everybody watching her was just like, that bitch is crazy. That bitch is crazy, which, yeah. Might lead some bitches to be like, hey, I'm not fucking crazy. Here's what was going on, you know. Yeah. Not if there's anything wrong with being crazy. No, there's other wrong with it.

But also it's like it's not your fault, your responsibility. But I feel like she's putting a very anti-mental illness stigma on this whole interview of as if it is something that is definitely, whether she is or not, I have no idea. I don't know her. But like, I feel like it's just kind of, hmm. It's making it seem like, no, no, no. I mean, I'm not. No, and I'm not mentally ill. Uh-huh.

You know, it's interesting because the other story that you sent me from this week about Kim Kardashian being like, yeah, when I did ecstasy, I got married, and then another time I did ecstasy and I did a sex tape. And I was just like, yeah, dude, that's why I sent you that article because I was just like, you know what? Weirdly enough, kind of makes me like Kim Kardashian more. I know, me too. I was like, you know, that is very honest.

Like some people are like, you know what? Every time I drink whiskey, I cry. She's like, every time I do ecstasy, I either get married or have a sex tape. I make really weird decisions. And good for her for just saying it. I think it's kind of fun. But again, it really did make me like her more. Yeah.

Yeah. I, you know, I really, really, really swing wildly back and forth on Kim Kardashian. Like, sometimes, like, I really want to like her and I really want to be in her camp. And then, you know, there's just a lot. sorts of shit that happens that makes that pretty hard. But I was thinking about her recently because she is the godmother to Sophia Pippins, Gotti Pippin's daughter, who is on Dancing with the Stars Studio. Dancing with the Star Studio, which how is that going, by the way? Oh my God, I love it so much. It's so sweet. Who's winning? Is someone winning? Is it like Great British Bake Off or like everyone

likes each other and if someone gets kicked off, they get really sad? Yes, when somebody gets their kids, they always, all kid competition shows are so much better than a, adult competition shows. Same with the kids baking championship. Whenever a kid gets kicked off, they all run to hug them and comfort them. And it's the same thing on Dancing with the Starry's Jr. When a kid gets kicked off, all the kids, first, very annoyingly to me, either Frankie Munez or Jordan Fisher has to go up and ask the kid how they're feeling, which don't make a kid talk right after they've experienced a disappointment. Let them cry. Also, don't kick them off. I hate that we kick kids off. Just let everyone win. Molly, it's a competition. You don't have to make it an

That doesn't teach children anything. I hate this. We do not have to eliminate children. We could teach them something by having one person win each week. It's still a competition. And then you don't have to be like, sorry, you're not good enough to stay. But anyway, when somebody loses, they have to go and speak into the microphone. And usually they're crying.

And I feel really bad for them. And I do not like it. But then afterwards, all the kids rush and hug them and lift them up. and it's extremely sweet. That's all right. I know I'll never watch it. But I appreciate and I support your watching of it. It's so sweet.

And I think there is not a winner, I don't think, but to me, the person to beat is very much the extremely talented and cute, but like seriously talented boy from Blackish, Michael's Brown, not Miles Brown. he is like he is such a fucking good dancer and he's so cute and so he is very good and then the other person to beat is this kid uh this girl named sky who is a 10 year old skateboarder and she is so cute oh she the one with the backwards baseball cap and all the pictures yeah that's her I like her she's so cute and she's all the kids are always like after they win they're always like can I or not have to win after they dance and they get judged, they're like, can I say something?

And then they always say something like, I just want to tell everyone to believe in themselves. And I just can't get enough of it. I think this is a mother thing, you know. I blame the fact that you are a mother and I appreciate you. But I'm glad that, you know, because I like Master Chef Jr. You know, don't get me wrong. But, you know, there's no singing or dancing in it.

So I think that's why I can handle it. It's not even me being a mother. It's really me. This is my relationship with dancing, even though I don't have any interest in watching dancing with the stars for adults. Yes. But, you know, I was just obsessed with tap dancing when I was a child. And so the narrative dances that dancing with the stars and so you think you could like a narrative dance tells a story. Ooh, that is extremely my shit.

Man, one day we're going to watch this stuff together, Molly. You need to give me the dancing spirit that I seem to lack. Or else, I don't know. I feel like someone's going to come after me and damn me to hell because I don't have enough of the dancing spirit. Yeah, I don't really care about watching children do other talented things, but I do care deeply about watching children who are talented at dancing do their good dancing. Hell yeah, Molly.

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And I think that we need to sing it because we're starting the list. Oh, on the list. Jackie got to have that list. Excitingly, if we're doing this list that I think we're doing, it's actually what's on the list? Yeah, baby, because we are going through the Goop Gift Guide 2018.

This guide, if you didn't have the Christmas spirit before, you're definitely not going to have it after you read this fucking guide. It's going to make you want to shoot someone. I just can't believe, I just can't believe that she does this every year. Do they just try to find the worst things? I can't believe she has not internalized the criticism of what a horrible person this makes her look like. Yeah, but you know what? Sometimes you need a handmade walnut matchbox for $9,000.

Or a marble dumbbell. Oh my God. I just love the three pounds of mushrooms for $80. $80. $80. But they're wild. Molly. They're not even going to be good by the time you get them to your house.

Yeah. And then there's just, I just, I, you can get a $150,000 portrait session. Which I didn't realize, like, that's what I needed my life. I needed is I just need to make more money. so I can get these photo sessions. If I'm going to put that much money into a photo session, which I never ever possibly would, I wanted to be like a boudoir session

that has a lot of like really racy stuff, so I'm essentially paying for their silence and paying for them to be like, you look so good. I'm fairly certain we could buy a fixer-upper and get it renovated by Chip and Joanna Gaines in Waco for $150,000. Oh, you damn straight.

And then you get a whole house. Or you could just get 24-carat gold rolling paper. for your doobies for $55. I mean, I understand why people would want to be inhaling gold dust, but it sounds dangerous. When was the last time you had gold slager? I do love gold slager. But it kind of hurts your belly and your chest, though, right?

Yeah, I mean, to answer your question, I think the last time I had it, I was 19 years old, and I was like, yeah, put that metal in me, you know? Yeah, I don't know if you'd like it as much now, but maybe I also, it's been a couple of years for me. I'm going to say three years since I've had Gold Schlager. And last time I had it, I was just like, you know what? I don't think I can drink this anymore.

And again, this is, this is a person that drinks Fireball regularly. Well, there are similar flavors, right? Isn't Goldschlager cinnamon too? Oh, yeah. It's like, you know, I slap it don't taste me, bro, on there. But you know what? Just for $6 million, $6 million, you can get a balloon expedition over Mount Everest. What I don't understand with Goop, it's like, I understand that their demographic is, their demographic are a rich people on the whole, right?

But why even put this on the list? Write an article about it. If Goop wants to get her ass on a balloon near Mount Everest, I'll read about it. I want to watch her do it. But she don't know shit about this balloon over Everest. You imagine she's so thin. Can you imagine how cold she would be? Well, and yeah, don't even insult the like whatever level of rich people this list is aimed at.

Because obviously if you're trying to buy a marble dumbbell for $100, then you're just also not buying an entire island, which is another thing on the list. Yeah, or a whole village in Spain. That's right, the whole village. Oh, yeah, baby. I think that I think we might need to buy the village. It's only $172,000. So if you think about it, too, it's like $150,000 for a photo session or $172,000 for a whole village.

Yeah, you got to scrape together that extra $22,000. Yeah, I think that, I mean, if you've got that much, you've got that much, right? Yeah, I think that that's probably true. Or you can get a clue luxury edition of the game clue for $250. That's it. Yeah, I mean, even the paupers can afford that. I don't know how you treated your board games growing up. Like, white board games always looked like we gnawed on the edges, you know?

Everything, it was always wet and just sticking together. Soft corners. Soft corners. And also it's like, we always like spilled soda and shit on it. So everything would stick together and the pictures come off. You can't buy that for someone. I guess if you really, really love Clue. Yeah, for the Clue collector, I guess.

I live and I die for Clue. I mean, if it was like something that was signed by the entire cast of the movie Clue, I'm down. That sounds great. But I guess you can't, you know, ew, what is this? A love box? Ew, what? So it's a $100 box that lets you read your text messages. So the summary of it, it sinks to your phone and you and your lover can pass secret messages through it. So it's a text. But like, isn't that what text messaging is? That is definitely what text messaging is. No one has to read it. Oh, a pop-up volcano vacation. Doesn't everyone want to just get close to an exploding volcano?

This is, I'm done with this list. I'm done with it. For when you haven't shredded your lungs with gold, you can shred them with volcanoes. I mean, oh God, Chanel oven mitts, come on. Jesus Christ, $600 for a custom lullaby recording. Give me, give me $200. I'll make a whole album, whole album for your baby. Baby, go to sleep.

Oh, baby, while you're awake, you must be asleep, you're a cute fucking baby. Close your eyes. Close your eyes. Close your eyes. And just do a bunch of, what is it, ASMR? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Would that put Freddy to sleep? Do you want me to record these for you, Molly, because I'll send them to you.

I can picture the exact face she would make while listening to this. It's not the face she makes when she's about to fall. No, it's not a good face. You don't think it's good? Describe, what would it look be? She has a very good, you know, she kind of furrows her eyebrows together and looks at you like, what the fuck are you doing? Hell yeah.

I'm definitely, whenever I meet Freddie, I'm going to elicit that response a lot. That's what I elicit from most children. It's fairly, it really can kind of put you on the defensive. Like, wow, this baby just read me with her face. Yeah, dude. It's like, don't tase me, bro. And that's what I'm going to say to Freddie over and over again, as long as you don't mind. I mean, I see that you've adopted a new catchphrase.

Oh, yeah, yeah, oh yeah. I'm seeping it in there. I'm getting there. It's because I keep carrying a taser on my hip. You've moved on from Mamma Mia, here we go again, to don't tase me, bro. Don't tase me, bro. And that's why it's hard when you've got a portable taser on your hip at all times. It makes you want to talk about tasing every second of the day.

I think that's probably how people feel about guns. Yeah, I guess so. And they're just talking about how great their guns are. Yeah, but mine's like, you know, you got to be attacking me for me to use it. It's not a faraway thing. What are those? Oh, yeah, because that's what happened in the Dote's. We don't need to talk about D'Taz Me, bro.

I don't even really know what happened with it. I just think it's a funny phrase. I think it's very funny. Is that fine? I'm fine with it. I'm fine with it. We don't have any blind items today because Marcus doesn't love. Christmas enough.

This podcast host doesn't love Christmas enough, but he's about to get the Christmas spirit in when he gets stuck in the snow on a plane. It is so, it's so threatening. Oh my God, I'm gonna watch so many. I, my goal is to watch at least five Hallmark Christmas movies by next week.

Can you achieve this goal, Molly? I know that you'll just have to watch the previews, but. I can watch the previews for five Hallmark movies. Hell yeah. All right, I'm on it. We're gonna, let's go find, some weird ones. And if you guys have any of your favorite Hallmark channel, uh, classics, or

lifetime, heck, because you can also, for 399, also stream all of the Lifetime Christmas movies, um, hit me up on Instagram, at Jack That Worm or just, you know, just like send us a letter on the Patreon because I want to know what you guys want us to watch for our Jollies. 2K18, every Thursday, up until Christmas. I'm excited about it. And, um, I'm gonna probably cry at least three times. Depending on whatever the drink is for the week. This week, we're drinking our throat thickeners with two seas. And it is rum chata and fireball over ice. Oh, my lord. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, that's where the crying comes in. Yeah. At the poor liquor choices. Yep, that's definitely a recipe for tears and Christmas cheer. And Christmas cheers. And Christmas cheers. Thank you guys so much for

joining us today. My name is Jackie Zabrowski. You can follow me in. And Instagram at Jack That Worm. My name is Molly Neffle. I'm MJKL Kat. And if you would like to join us while we watch our Hallmark Christmas Channel movies, just hit up our Patreon at patreon.com

slash page 7 podcast because I think you might like it. Oh my God, we haven't any product. I think you might like it yet. That's next week. Oh God. It's coming.

Woo! Whoa! I can't reach. Love you guys. We'll see you next week. Bye.