Page 7 - Episode 281: Tug & Humbles

Episode Date: December 6, 2018

This week on Page 7: Mariah Carey's questionable parenting, the king of sandwiches, and Gwyneth Paltrow claims she invented yoga. Get 25% off the price of your modeling kit at http://candidco.com/page7 Go to http://daily-harvest.com and enter promo code PAGE7 to get three items FREE off your first box! Go to http://phlur.com today and use promo code PAGE7 to get 20% off your custom Phlur sample set! We're drinking through the best (and worst) holiday movies over on our Patreon page! Suppor Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

This one goes out to Freddy and Gideon. Tell your friend Veronica, it's time to celebrate Hanukkah. I hope I get a harmonica on this lovely, lovely Hanukkah. So drink your gin and tonica and smoke your marijuana. If you really, really want a good, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy Hanukkah. Happy Hanukkah everybody Happy Hanukkah everybody Happy Hanukkah

Eight crazy nights I have not gotten my child anything yet But she just doesn't know She'll get stuff when she can appreciate stuff She's a baby It's the same as with whatever my mom would scream About taking us places before we were the age of 12

That's why you don't take a child anywhere Before the age of 12 because they don't remember And maybe that's just because I have repressed childhood, but I'm not quite sure. 12 was the, that's where it was when life begins from your mom's point of you. In my brain, that's where my life begins. So I feel like, then you don't, kids don't remember anything. But I love Hanukkah. I love Latkas.

I love candles. I love routines and traditions. And so I am like a very excited non-religious person celebrating Hanukkah right now. I never really got into Hanukkah. Hanukkah was never really, yeah, I never had an opportunity. Even though I dated a Jewish woman for three years, never really did Hanukkah. Yeah. I think that it's not that, it's not really that big of a holiday.

The impression that I get is that it's kind of like Christians were like, oh, I guess you have a holiday around now too. Let's all discuss Hanukkah. And Jewish people were like, it's really not that big of a, okay, whatever. Sure, sure. I always wanted Hanukkah. I tried to celebrate. We had the menorah.

We did the whole thing because it's very fun. And also there's eight days of it. And the lotkas. I feel like there's just something. I never make a lotka properly. And it always hurts my chest. And I think of that I'm just missing the Jewish spice. Latkas are amazing.

And the toy-wise, I'm actually very excited to celebrate Hanukkah to be a parent of a Hanukkah celebrating family. Is it dreidels? because of Dradles? Well, it's because I think that kids want small, cheap crap, you know? Like, when I was a kid, I wanted so much crap, and I wanted it to be small and cheap. Like, granted, I also wanted, like, a power wheel. Yeah.

But, like, you know, Gideon's always like... God did I want a power wheel. I wanted a power wheel so bad. I always wanted a fucking power wheel. You know, but Gideon's always like, you know, Hanukkah is like the gifts you get are, like, you know, your parent goes to the hardware store with, like, $10 and then just gets eight things. So you get like a mini tape measure. And like, you know, it's like that kind of thing. I think that like kids, you know, cereal box toys and that type of thing, I feel like that's really kids is jam.

You know, so I'm like really excited to find like the most fun, cheap trash that are so excited. Like a little blinky ring, you know, like things like that. Oh, you want dentist office toys. Yes. Oh my God. Dentist office toys. Those were the best. Or the ones that, you know, the quarter machines and you get them.

Yeah. I still hit quarter machines. I went to one not too. long ago. I saw this little squishy panda and I wanted the fucking panda and I didn't get the panda. I got a chicken instead. And so I kept putting money in and then I ended up having like I've got like 12 little squishy things. Not one is the panda that I want. I also always go to quarter of things. I currently have a bouncy ball in my left pocket. I and but I'm also for about a year and a half I've been on this kick where I'm trying to declutter my life, you know. And so I like

clean my room every once in a while and be like, I've got to declutter all this shit and I've got all these toys that I get from toy machines and I'm like, why do I do this? But the immediate joy of getting a toy machine like far outweighs the anxiety I have later on in life when I'm like, why do I have this in my house? Oh, yeah.

That, yeah, yeah, a toy. I got a toy. I love needless chotchkes. And I'm never going to give that up. That's my religion. Needless Chatskyes. Hell yeah. Well, you know what Mariah Carey's religion is, is keeping her children out of her limelight.

Good segue, guys. Very good segue. And extremely true. That video that you sent to me, Jackie, explain the video to the people. My kids. Our kids are so cute. So Mariah Carey put up on her Instagram a video of her and her twins. So the twins are in the backseat, singing with her to all I want for Christmas is you.

But she didn't teach them how to sing along with her. She just taught them how to sing the backup parts. There's only one Mariah carrying this car. And she was singing on the red. Like she put her song on the stereo, had someone hold the camera on the kids. You could tell they want to sing the main part, but she's got, ah. Yeah, kids don't want to say harmonies. Wait a minute.

No, wait a. Just don't do that. The video, I watched a video like 10 times in a row because it's so funny. Because also, she could, in theory, still sing this song, right? Yeah. And yet, she plays the song on the radio so that she can kind of half-ass barely sing along to it, even though it made her sound really good because it's just the recording of it. And the kids were only allowed to do the ooze and the oz.

And you could see how they were trained, like little animals in cages, to do exactly what she wanted. She is my beautiful Christmas monster. Would you like to see it, Molly? Did you see it? I saw the, you know, I saw people tweeting about it, but I did not actually. I saw those cute little kids, but I didn't actually see the singing. Must show this to Molly. Three, two.

You ready, Marlowe? You ready, Marl? Oh, Rebecca, come on. Okay. Turn up a little bit, please. Turn it up a little bit, please. Oh. Oh.

The backup vocals are so boring. You can see her little, like, what her little girl is just lip-sinking. Just let her sing. I did sing this song. These more kids. Oh, my. Oh, man.

Because the little girl wants to sing along to the main part so bad. So much. She's sleeping along. It just doesn't. Oh, wow. Especially when Mariah Carey isn't even singing it. Let them sing it there.

Yeah, I was going to say she's not even, just let the children sing unabashedly. I forgot that the backup vocals of that song are just like Ah Ah I'm all for Christmas Is you It's not even like

You know some good Christmas carol's like an angel We have heard on high or something There's a whole Different range of melodies you can be singing And that could be kind of fun Learn the harmonies Learn the melodies But that was just

Ah Ah Ah The children are not allowed to have any fun. They are never allowed to misrepresent Mariah Carey. Isn't that why you have children to be your backup singer? And the kid has glasses. And they're so cute.

And they're just not allowed to do. It just makes me think of her whole, like, reality show that I watched for way too long, where the kids just weren't allowed to be in anything. They are so cute. Their names are rock and row, or at least that's how she nicknames them. That's what she calls them, yeah. Which is a little bit too cute for me.

I love cute things, rock and row, because she does not sing rock and roll music. No, she doesn't like the proximity of their names to rock and roll the phrase. Yeah, and their actual names are Moroccan and Monroe. So I feel like with just like the way that she talks is just too difficult for her to say all the syllables. Maraqa.

And I imagine she just, it just hurts her voice too much. I mean, I really was talking to somebody recently who said she was like, I can't imagine what it would be like to live life not a fan of that song because it plays everywhere. And she is a fan of that song. And I live my life as not a fan of that song. And it is hard. My life is hard this time of year.

I don't imagine so. I don't know. I don't know if I, like, really have any more or less feelings for it than, say, like, jingle bells. I have more feelings for it, the nugal bells, and the feelings are negative. And I know that makes me a scrooge. I try very hard not to be a scrooge this time of year, and I'm not a scrooge about most Christmas music, too. People are such scrooge is about Christmas music. I love Christmas music.

Me too. Yeah. This is in my, this is the bottom of my Christmas music list. Hmm. Yeah. Interesting. It doesn't fill you with any, like, pep. peppermint spice?

I mean, only to the extent that even though I'm also a major scrooge about Love Actually, it kind of makes me smile about that last scene in Love Actually. But, uh... I mean, it is children singing, so I know that you would like that. I don't like children sing. I like children dancing. I know you like children dancing. I know you like children cooking. Children cooking, children dancing.

I'm okay with some children singing, but like you, I don't like it when they do vibrato. Really, you don't like children doing vibrato. I don't like children doing vibrato. But I also don't like this kind of singing either. Even like a children's choir, you won't listen to a children's choir? No, no, never. Jacko, you were just doing that's just the way a child sounds when he sings. No, that's the problem.

Unless the child is doing vibrato and they're like, all I was for Christmas. And that's much worse. I mean, that is definitely a lot worse. The only time I like it is if it's being used in a scary way, because children's singing is always scary. How about the end of We Belong? You can't argue with that.

Is that children? Yes, oh yes. In the music video, Pat Benatar is there in the wind, and there is for, inexplicably, a children's choir of angels that all start singing, We belong! As she's singing,

we belong to the night, we belong to each other. No! It's a sexy song! Yeah, I don't know why the children are there. And to be honest, I love that song. to that song at my wedding, but it is my least favorite part of the song, although it seems to be most people's favorite part of the song. So I hesitate to say that that's my least favorite part, but there is a children's choir at the end. There's no way children can do that.

It's them. I'm telling you, listen to the, you'll be sitting there being like, yeah, this is a good song. And then inexplicably, we'll be a bunch of children's voices singing the backups. I mean, I do. I know the part of you that you're talking about, and it's just kind of blow in my mind. It makes me sad. Just over and over. Okay, Jay, I've actually, I found a Reddit thread that is a list of songs with children choruses singing. Oh, yeah. Give it to me.

I'll run a couple of these by you. See what you think. Are you about to ruin music for me? Am I about to live the rest of my life in complete and utter silence? Possibly. Hit me. Fine, fine, ready for it. Can't always get what you want, Rolling Stones.

Really? Winners are children. It's the beginning. Oh, it's a for me, lady. Yeah. Yeah, but that's like not even really part of the whole rest of the song. I mean, it's a great intro, though, because of the big chill. But again, they don't belong in it.

Actually, it's, I guess, another brick in the wall, Pink Floyd. Yeah, that's fine. I've never been a Floyd-doid for a, over here, so I'm fine with that. Actually, it's pretty much it that even out of the sun, because I don't know, you're not a Macklemore fan, are you? Yeah.

Is that still hip? Is that still hip thing? Are you a fan of Blue October? Yeah. Oh, it's blue, but it's raining outside. And they say that the sky's supposed to be red at this time, but it's not. It's a Blue October.

Is that their big song? That fucking band came to Lubbock every, I would say, six to eight months when I was in college. That was the Lubbock band? That was the Lubbock, yeah. And they're still going. They're still doing shit. But yeah, Blue October and they're fucking terrible. What kind of a band is it?

It's like, it's generic rock. It's like post-grunge generic rock. Oh, okay. Rock and row. I would put, yeah, they're kind of like an Our Lady piece. Uh-huh. Yeah, just really. I loved Arlady.

Lady, peace. Very bland alternative rock. You know, I did listen to a lot of bland alternative rock growing up. You guys both might love Blue October. We're probably going to fall in love with Blue October. Were they ever on the VH1 top 10 countdown? Because, you know, that was my top 10 countdown instead of the TRL top 10 countdown because something was wrong with me.

Oh, hell, there was nothing wrong with you. You were just a product of the 90s. It's fine. The VH1 top 10 countdown, somehow not the same 10 signs. as the TRL top 10 countdown, even on the same day. Yeah, they were all just lying to themselves. But that's why, I mean, MTV, though, was about to get a new boost with Lindsay Lowhan's Beach Club.

Guys, Lilo, she's back. She really keeps getting more chances to humiliate herself. And I feel like it's irresponsible of us to keep watching. Oh, isn't this the show where it was supposed to be, she's supposed to be dating, because she's running a club, right? She is running a club in, yeah, and Mekanos. Yeah, she's running a club in Mekonos. And the show says that she's banging the son, but in reality, she's banging like the 80-year-old father. Oh, I think we read that blind eye of him.

Yes, we did read that blinded at him. Yeah. So keep that in mind, everyone. I mean, you know, a woman's got to do what a woman's got to do. And sometimes, you know, to open up a big beach. club that's got your name on it. An 80-year-old's weenie looks a little

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For so long. It's tiring. And also like the Syrian refugees you've accosted on the street, right? Let us not forget that she should. Only so many of those that you can accoling. Shouldn't she be facing some sort of harassment charges in the wake of that? I was only five minutes on the street. I don't want anybody to be facing harassment charges.

I'm just saying I want Lizzie Lohan to be held accountable for her actions just once. No, she's got to lead a team of brand ambassadors who must approve their expertise, ambition, and charm throughout the season as they help Lohan achieve her vision for the new business. You know, I got an email. I'm sure it was a spam, but I got an email. asking if I wanted to be an influencer and I did not respond because the answer is no but that's a job now just be an influencer yeah Molly get on board my I mean you got to do it if there's a one way at least maybe through you I could become hot dog ambassador 2019 if you become an influencer if I could influence the people and to influence the hot dog nomination committee then then I would but I think that as like a, you know, the anti-capitalist that I am, I think it would be very hard for me to be like, ah, this makeup palette

is what I want to all my followers to also use. You are a natural. You know, I think it would be having a hard time. I want the palette now. See? I have a natural influencer. I did find myself trying to hawk myself to my favorite hot dog man the other day. And I'm trying, because I told him about hot dog

ambassador 2019 and because I go to this hot dog place probably twice a month and I'm obsessed with it and I was like let's get together Willie let's make some let's make some hot dogs together come on I'll start I'll start shilling out your hot dogs Willie come on man um but he um he declined yeah so Jackie I would dare say you're being quite thirsty about hot dogs here I also think that like I love you but I think that going to the hot dog ambassador path via being like a sandwich board person for a hot dog stand. It might actually be a step down for you, Jackie. Nothing against sandwich board people.

But I think that if you want to be an ambassador, you know, you have to go to like hot dog law school or something. You know, I think being like a barker, I'm not sure if the path from hot dog barker to hot dog ambassador is a fast path. I think you'd really have to, you'd have a good, like, narrative how you worked your way up from being just a humble hot dog. sandwich board person. Jackie, have you seen who won the hot dog ambassadorships last year? No. No, why? Who?

I'm looking it up. Let's go through these people right now. There's more than one? Well, there's regional hot dog ambassadors. Yeah, there's not a national hot dog ambassador. There's only regional hot dog ambassadors. The Northeast, that's John Fox. John is the go-to expert on New Jersey hot dogs,

where he is co-founder of the annual New Jersey Hot Dog Tour and Hot Dog Nation, the second largest Facebook page dedicated to hot dogs. Oh, man, the second largest. This is helpful information, Jackie. This is the career paths that you need to follow. And the Weenie Warrior Runners Up were Alan Swanky, creator of the New York City Hot Dog Tour video, Michael Thompson, Weenie Warrior, and mentor to future Weenie Warriors.

Pardon? Man. Guys. Yeah, the southeast, that's Chris Crawford. Chris is a renowned meat diplomat and skilled social media expert who led an excellent campaign to be elected hot dog ambassador. I'm pissed. A bit of a sausage factory, if you'll forgive the pun. Well, Midwest, that's Courtney Otter Wade.

Good. In addition to her extensive knowledge about Chicago land hot dog eateries, Otter Wade's true passion for this iconic food was on display at her wedding where the famed Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile served as her limo. I have seen other people do that. You're not that special, Courtney. Thank you very much. All these other people have like careers in hot doggery and Courtney's just like has it at her wedding. So Jackie, you just kind of have like a hot dog themed wedding that might also help catch some attention your way. Yeah.

I mean, come on, the winner, the Wiener Warrior runner up in the Midwest, he's got a PhD from Hot Dog University. Ph.D., that's purveyor of hot dogs. That's a lie. That's not a real one. Let me see the degree. I'm taking these motherfuckers down, man. Print it out for me. Southwest, that's Tom Lohr.

He's the author of Gone to the Dogs in search of the best ballpark hot dog. Man, he wrote a whole book about it. He's a published author. Lor previously embarked on two cross-country road trips during which he sampled hot dogs at every major league ballpark. Oh my God, guys.

I am not putting enough effort into this. I got to be honest. I did not think the hot dog ambassador was this serious a job. I don't know because like the West, you might have been able to beat it because the West, this guy, his name is Sam Beeson, all it says about him, hot dog comedy star.

That's bullshit. That's bullshit. I've never seen them on any of the forums, any of the comedy hot dog forums that I go to every single day. I'm going to, you know what? You know what? It sounds like these people are all patting their resumes. And maybe.

I need to start patting my own. Well, you know what? Maybe I started a whole beauty line of hot dog shades. Do you want to look like you've got mustard all over your lips? Mm, why don't you slather some of this crautastic dippery all over? But I'm going to make lipstick that is just specifically for the outline of your lips. Like not a lip liner like for outside of it. And just, um.

Oh, Jackie, you could have easily gotten this because he's hot dog comedy star and founder of the annual B. and hot dog day celebration. I'm looking up what that is right now. But the Weiner Warrior runner up out west, you know who that was? Just Tanya Torres, hot dog home chef. Oh, please. Just a lady makes a bunch of hot dogs at home.

Everybody makes hot dogs at home. That's a hot dog home chef. At least, I mean, again, if you're going to pat it out, pat it out. I wrote songs for this. I'm writing letters, guys. I mean, really, Really the West has nothing, because really the runners up at, like, Southeast,

Mandy Brown, hot dog advocate and social media influencer, hashtag hot dog Mandy. Influencer. Rebecca Swanson, third place national winner in Vienna Beef's Hot Dog's number one fan competition. Southwest, they got Daniel Garcia, hot dog subject matter expert in former Nathan's famous hot dog eating eating contest judge. What? Les O'S Kikuski, annual Great Chicago Hot Dog Tour participant. Participant.

Anybody give me a part-tuce. Annual. He goes once a year. Oh my God. The second. When do we, when can I start campaigning? I guess I can start campaigning now. I think I am. Yeah, start early. Start early. Yeah, June 11th. That is when July 11th. Send your hot dog resume by July 11th. You could probably do it now. You're right. What if I just, what if I just send one every single week? That's actually a good idea. Just get yourself on their radar. I think you start your campaign now. And I think what you need to do is I think you need to put your entry in in probably early May. Early May, okay.

Because that gives you enough time to prepare, but you're punctual. You're not going to be a last-minute hot dog ambassador. And you're not going to get lost in the last-minute shuffle. You'll make sure they see your resume. And I hope that they remember me from last year the fact that I sent it in late and begged them to consider my application. So I'm hoping that they remember me as the desperate one. So maybe that's what I'll use.

I'll incorporate my desperation into my hot dog ambassador. What is it? Election run? I would say campaign. Campaign, yeah. Although it's not a vote. It's a council that crowns you this, right? Is this a democracy?

Do you have to say? I think so. It's kind of like a, it seems like a bit of a monarchy even to have a, this like lord of hot dogs that decides who is the hot dog ambassador rather than having it be decided by the people. You know what I need to do? I need to contact the president of the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council. His name is Eric Mittenthal. Guys, they even have his cell phone number on the website page. Do not harass Eric Mittenfell on his cell phone. I'm not going to harass him. I'm going to get to know him.

And then later, I'm going to make my life into a Hallmark movie where I'll pretend like, I had no idea he was the president of the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council. He'll be my secret prince. I'll become really good friends with him. I'm assuming that I could probably be his daughter or something. Maybe I'll pretend like I'm his long-lost daughter. I was going to say, maybe it's just because I got Hallmark movies on the mind,

but I feel like you're going to, I know you've already got someone you love in your life, but I feel like you're going to meet someone you love along the way to this hot dog journey, and it's going to be your adversary. It's going to be the person running against you. Jeff will understand. I know that he will understand because I will give him hot dogs. This is a work thing. Yeah, this is a work thing because, I mean, listen to these prizes.

Each winner will receive a hot dog ambassador business card, which can also be used for deals at National Hot Dog Sausage Council partner restaurants. You get a $100 gift card for your favorite hot dogs. It doesn't really specify. Just a hot dog. Just going to the grocery store with a gift card. This is my favorite hot dog. You get it for free.

You get a National Hot Dog and Sausage Council weiner warrior t-shirt. I mean, that is. And a wristband and bumper sticker that says, I love hot dogs. I hate to say it, Jackie, but I think you might be above this title. I mean, you might be overcoat. I appreciate you, Molly, but I'm not. I'm far below it. And I need to just, I can only hope.

See, the thing is that Jeff makes T-shirts, and he even offered to make me a Wiener Warrior T-shirt so I didn't have to go through all of this. But that would not be true. I'm not wearing lies on my fucking breasts, my beautiful breasts. I don't need lies on there. Only milk and true weiner warrior status

will ever belie these top mountains of mine. I could just combine like a Christmas and a birthday present for you and just give you $100 to spend on hot dogs. You know? And then just call you my own personal hot dog ambassador. The thing is I spent $30 on hot dogs a couple of days ago. So your ambassador gains are really only going to get you through about a month. If that.

I mean, I like the fancy hot dogs. Do you cut up hot dogs and put them in mac and cheese like a child? I have been known to. Yeah. But that's not what I did. I was eating really good dogs the other day. Oh, I had carneasada on it and had a Gorgonzola butter sauce on top of the bacon wrapped hot dog. Ooh, that sounds great.

That's my one regret from going out to Chicago. Didn't have time for a hot dog. Yeah, they know how to do it. No dog. But that's what you do. Did you get a beef? What are they called? A sweet beef?

Sweet. I had some deep dish, but that's my head. Deep dish is, I would choose deep dish over a hot dog, but also I don't eat hot dogs, so that's why I would choose deep dish. But the whole pickle, the whole pickle on the hot dog is, that's the good thing. Yeah, that's the Chicago thing. Italian beef, that's what it's called. You get those big soppy sandwiches. Yeah.

Jackie, if there is a queen to unseat here. You do know that, right? you do know there is Janet Riley the Queen of Ween Oh I saw it You know what I'm a different Queen of Queen of Riley I want to see

How much of a Queen of Ween She is You know the only Queen of Ween In this town I mean there's a lot of Janet Riley's out there But all of them Have very interesting Marmee haircuts

Imagine being the very serious Janet Riley who's like an attorney and you're always accidentally getting the Queen of Ween, Janet Riley phone calls and emails. I found Janet Riley, Queen and Ween and honestly, Jackie, she looks like a sweetheart. She does. And also, did you see that she is a part of the North American Meat Institute? NAMI? She's a part of NAMI? She is on a list of the 25 future icons of the meat. and poultry industry. Guys, this goes far. This is, I'm like, there's no wear, I can't.

Number one, I need to get a cowboy hat. Number two, I need to get on the 25 future icons of the meat and poultry industry list. I feel like we're very rapidly towards, like, a production end. I feel like by the end of this, you're going to be like an owner of like a slaughterhouse, you know. When a.

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I guess I'm just, I'm a novice. You know what I am, though? I'm the underdog of this competition. You're the princess of we. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just could only hope to become queen. I eat enough hot dogs. That's my Princess Ween voice.

Oh, God. And Princess Ween, I mean her Twitter feed at Queen of Ween. Fact. The U.S. National Toxicology Program found that nitrate has no association with cancer. Wow. Our body's naturally produced nitrate, and it actually has health benefits. So she's actually like a hot dog propagandist, and I don't mean that in a negative way. She's just pushing positive information about hot dogs.

Oh, yeah. It's nothing but, it's something but positive information about hot dogs and retweets from the North American Meat Institute. Damn. Nitrates don't cause kids. Forget the bad press on these hot dogs. Hell yeah. You're a study. Yeah, destroy that bad press, Janet.

Man, you know what? That's what it is. Jan and I are just going to become friends. Guys, I am going to work my way into this meat system. You should. If it's the last thing I do. I mean, she's having a hell of a time. Like, she's posting pictures from this conference.

that she's going to, it's just a Texan roll. It's just it's a beef she, where it's like sushi, but with beef. Oh, no, thank you. But also, beef she is a disgusting, disgusting name. Oh, I want a little beef she. I don't want a beef he. I do not support that. Well, Jackie, this woman does look like she has a life you would love.

I know. October is hashtag National Sausage Month. She just keeps up on meats. God, man. And also, she keeps a fairly girlish figure for how much meat she eats. See, this is the kind of positive influence we need in this country. Have you, are you at all familiar? I know you've been watching a little bit more Food Network, Jackie.

Are you at all familiar with Jeff Morrow? No. Is he a meat ambassador as well? He's the quote-unquote sandwich king of the Food Network. Of the municipality that is the Food Network. We all know there's like a sausage. King of Chicago, but you can't just be the sandwich. You've got to be the sandwich king of.

But he's from Chicago. Okay. So he talks a lot about Chicago meats, and he's the sandwich king, and he's got, like, phrases that he uses, like, crust to crust is a must about buttering bread when you're making a grilled cheese. Oh, fun phrases? Yeah, he's really annoying, but I think he might like it. I just looked up a picture of him.

He does look like someone that I could see. as a king of some certain sandwich, yes. I think that you would really like him. He's like a big, oafy, like, obnoxious, loud guy who on the kitchen... Why are you trying to say that I would like him? What are you trying to say about me, Molly? He's like a lot. He's like fun.

He's like too fun, you know. So I think that you might like him. But all the other... Hey, you son of a bitch! It's too fun! He's too fun! He's too fun! He's too fun!

He's too fun. I spend a lot of time watching the kitchen and thinking about whether or or not they hate each other or whether they're fucking because I think that those are the only two options in the ensemble cast that is the kitchen. Yes. They're fucking.

And I think that, yeah, I think that at least in the, you could draw a web of who's fucking who, but I also think at least, sometimes I think both of the women just hate Jeff Morrow's guts. Like sometimes he speaks and they just look at him like they want to kill him.

But that also means they may have used to be fucking, you know, but I just, I really, really want to know how much people, in the Food Network municipality hate the sandwich king or whether they love the sandwich king because he's kind of a love him or hate him type of guy. He looks like that. He looks like a bit of a goomba.

Does he talk like this when it comes to the sandwiches? He doesn't. He does a very performative Chicago accent, which I can appreciate. I actually find that very, very sexy. Yeah, and I like a Chicago accent, like for sure. And I think it's real. He is from Chicago, but he's always like, ah, yeah, Chicago. You know, but I think that he's.

He's just, I think he's just a guy who makes sandwiches. Like, I don't think he's like an old, I don't, I don't know what his backstory is, but I don't know if he was like, he doesn't seem like he's, you know, was like born and raised in an Italian butcher shop or anything like that. I think he's just like a man who likes sandwiches. Who eats sandwiches. He looks like a man who eats a lot of sandwiches. Yeah. He does. He does. He's from Chicagana.

But you know, I mean, we got to get this story in here. You know I hate talking. Stop talking about meat. But we're going to talk about the woman that I'm sure. is also trying to bring down the meat industry in some point. Did you read this story about Gwyneth Paltrow? Did you read this Goop story about her? I think I missed it. I was too busy reading the holiday gift guide. She has, I just, if I could, you know, the thing is, I just want to just give her a little shake, you know, just like a little shake. I'm like, where's your head at, Gwyneth? I know that she's a lover or you hate her, but she did just

came out, like she just came out essentially saying that she created yoga and it's why everyone um, everyone loves yoga because she's done yoga and she told everyone to like yoga. Yeah. Nope. Jackie, do you want to read the

quote or shall I? Of course I would. I remember when I started doing yoga and people are like, what is yoga? She's a witch. She's a freak. But I went to do a yoga class in L.A. recently.

I'm the 22-year-old girl behind the counter. Wait, wait, wait. You forget you have to do forgive me if this comes out wrong. Oh, God, ew. I just do it. Forgive me if this comes out wrong. But just, also, it got to start it with that. We all know if you got to start her with that means.

So she went to this yoga class and the 22 girl behind the, 22-year-old's, girl behind the counter was like, have you ever done yoga before? And literally I turned in my friend and I was like, you have this job because I've done yoga before. Oh no. Such. I just, it's just, that's not true. But then like, she continues on talking about Goop later on in the article too. and she said that she started in 1998 and she's like that was the beginning of people thinking I was a crackpot like what do you mean food can affect your health

you fucking psycho that's not you dot but you didn't I mean that shit that she just admitted like the shit that you said like I you have a stuff because I do yoga it's like that's the type of shit like you go home and your friends like

can you believe the shit Gwyneth Paltrow said to me today and then Quedith Paltrow goes and blows up her own fucking spot on it and tells everybody. Like, just like, okay, everybody, I said something really stupid at condescending to somebody the other day. You want to hear about it? Is it this fun? I will admit, there have been times over the years, as much as, you know, we eagerly shit on Goop. I've done some self-reflection, and sometimes I'm like, is the hatred of Goop as a blog, is it tied up with some, like, kinds of hatred that we maybe is like, bigger than Goop or doesn't, you know, sometimes like a hatred will get its own kind of energy

and it's like, do we just hate Goop because it's like shit for women or shit for organic people? No, no. She's actually the straight up fucking worst. She's the worst. There's nothing here. There's nothing deeper to look at. This is just straight up like, ugh. She's just so dumb and self-important.

She is just a self, the worst. naval gazing, self-important, like all of the things that famous people have a reputation for being. Yeah, sometimes an o'h is just an o'h. Yeah. They should change goop to guh. It's the gullock. It's the glorg. I think it's good.

Where did you get that? I got it from, blah. Yeah, told me to spend $25,000 on it. I love, just really extend it out. Oh my God, this bitch. And it's like, you know,

sometimes you also expect people to learn from their, like when they are publicly humiliating about something, they maybe would be like, oh, I tried to talk about food stamps and I just made myself look like the world's richest asshole and then she goes and says that she fucking invented yoga. What's wrong with you?

But she doesn't, you know, she takes it all in stride. I'm not listening to any criticism. I think we should buy that little town in Spain. Marcus, do you, it's on Goop's Christmas guide this year is that we can buy a small town in Spain and do you think that we should do it as a network?

A whole town. I mean, before I say yes, let me look at the fucking price point here. Now that I think about it, the person who thinks that she invented yoga is also the person who thinks she can sell a town in another country. Yeah, man. It's not even hers to sell. I think that it's, but like, how did they find these things? I know she has a whole team of researchers that does all this stuff for her.

She has no idea what's on any of this stuff. She openly said that when she was attacked, I think it was like Jimmy Kimmel or something, was asking her questions about it. And she's like, oh, I don't know what's on there. So this is from her like 2018 ridiculous but awesome list, I don't imagine, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's pretty ridiculous.

We went through it last week on the episode. That was also, by the way, Marcus, we were describing the change of your plans due to weather last week. as the fact that maybe you didn't have enough Christmas spirit. And, sir, I don't know if you knew it. No, don't talk to me, but it's your brother that doesn't have enough Christmas spirit. I got a shitload of it. I got so much Christmas spirit.

I tried for two hours to download a Hallmark movie over my parents' shitty Wi-Fi so me and Caroline could watch some over Thanksgiving. Well, oh, my God. We actually decided. We're just talking today. We're going to go buy a Christmas tree next week. I got a lot of Christmas spirit. But we decided that in case you didn't in that,

On that particular trip, if you were feeling a bit grumpy, you might have actually not known it, but you were actually inside a Hallmark movie. Again, you know, you also have somebody in your life you already love, but what is the formula other than flying into the Midwest getting fucked up, your travel plans fucked up by a snowstorm? You're about to have to hit a ride with a woman who's on her way to home, whatever home it is that you're going to, and you're going to discover that you have more in common than you might have thought. No, I don't know. See, at this point in my life, I think it's that I'm trying to get home to my lady. But along the way, I end up meeting a kindly old man, and we end up having more in common than we thought. Yeah, that also works. And he teaches me the meaning of Christmas, or I teach him the meaning of Christmas, one of the two. That's in the genre of the full house Christmas special with Mickey Rooney.

And in the end, I reunite him with his estranged daughter. Oh, that's good. in the full-house Christmas visit on the game. I've never seen it. That's exactly what happens. How did you know? Because that's every single Christmas movie with the lonely old man. It's always, it's home alone.

It's true. There is either the love story or there's the lonely old man. And in the full house version where Jesse and Michelle get trapped in a toy store with a mean old toy store owner who is Mickey Rooney, then he reveals to them that he has not talked to his daughter ever since she moved away from San Francisco. And then he goes back and has Christmas with them. And then he calls his daughter for the first time.

And I was just thinking about this because John and I were talking about our favorite Christmas specials. And there are a number of full house Christmas specials. But that one with Mickey Rooney, that is the one that you just lived. Well, it didn't happen. Oh, man. Spoiler. Now you've got to go find a kindly old man and help him, Marcus, because he's out there and he needs your help. Yeah.

Can I just help my new landlord or something? Okay. Yeah. Just take out the trash. Do one of those. You've got somebody one of us has got to. Let me just help Mr. Cam. All right.

All right. That's fine. Maybe, you know, as long as you're giving out the Christmas spirit, that's all that matters. Because I'm not traveling this year for Christmas, and I'm a little bit afraid that I'm not going to have any opportunity to be in a Hallmark movie at all. Hmm. That's not. Yeah.

Do you have family coming into town, though? I don't. Hallmark movies do. do not exist in New York City. Yeah. Yeah, because there's almost people here. Yeah, but that's why, no, because, no, it's because they can't, the hustle and bustle keeps them from remembering what the Christmas season's all about.

It's too much hustle and bustle. That's right. I forgot about them. I think my best bet is to invite all my neighbors into my home to decorate my tree with me. Like Christmas with the cranks. Didn't that end badly though? No. No, well, no.

They did have a, there's a, there is a robber in their midst. But, I mean, really, I don't that I think I'd tell you guys every year to watch Christmas with the Cranks. I still don't know why I watch it. Every single year, I watch it at least two or three times. I hate it. Have you watched the Christmas Chronicles yet on Netflix? I did it. You did?

I, you know, well, you know what I'm going to say is that I just, I'm going to say I did it. But what I did do was just fast forward to all of the parts with Kurt Russell so that I could stare and be like, wish my Santa looked like that saying. Oh, guys, over Thanksgiving, hearing Carolina and my mom gush over how hot Kurt Russell is. So hot. And talk about their Kurt Russell love throughout the decades. I mean, I'm very glad that they bond over something. And it turns out it's how hot they both think Kurt Russell is.

I got to say I would have to fake it if I was in that situation with trying to log with my partner's mom because I'd be like, I don't find him attractive. But sure, I'll talk about Kurt Russell on his butt. Let's do it. Wait, Molly, you've never found Kurt Russell attractive? I don't. I think he's kind of scary,

but I think it's because I saw a movie where he was a scary man when I was a kid. And I'm trying to figure out what this movie was. He was like a scary man, a kidnapper maybe in a truck. A kidnapper in a truck. A kidnapper in a truck. truck. It would have been in the mid-90s. Mid-90s.

What I mean, I guess he was villain and death-proof, but that was long after that. It was like a regular, it was it was a creepy, what I Not Captain Ron. No. God, I love Captain Ron. Yeah, Cat-Rond's fucking great. Holds up, by the way. We watched

Cat and Ron a couple months ago. Totally holds up. Yeah? Yeah. Totally holds up. Yeah. Yeah. There was somebody a woman was kidnapped. Breakdown? Yes. Yes. Breakdown.

I've never seen Breakdown. I just guessed Breakdown because you mentioned a truck. It must have been Breakdown. I mean, I'm not looking at the movie poster, but it must have been that. A woman was kidnapped, and he's a scary man, and I've always been a little scared of him. A man searches for his missing wife after his car breaks down in the middle of the desert. He might not even be the scary one. It might have just been so scary that I ascribed the fear to him.

Yeah, he's Jeff Taylor. I don't think that's a scary man. Yeah, I think he's... That doesn't sound like a scary man. I think it's his wife who goes missing, but I'm still scared. Currosol. I was obviously too young to see this movie. I'm saying just give him another shot. You know, just look up anything with Snake Pliskin in it.

And I mean, if you're not attracted to Snake, then I don't know what to say. But I get it. I know the rough and tumbles aren't usually your tug and humbles down there. That is exactly what I say to myself. What's just doing to my tugging humbles right now? I guess I hadn't really thought about it. Silver smells. Silver smells. It's great to smell good when the weather's crappy.

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The most extravagant celebrity Christmas gifts. Molly, you're going to hate this. Oh, rich people. Oh, yeah, Kim Kardashian. She got a handbag from Kanye West valued at $40,000. You're going to put that bag. and you're going to forget about it. And it is ugly as fuck.

Look at that bag. Yikes. Yikes. I was assuming it would be covered in sparkles, in which case I would have liked it. But I would have put it down somewhere when I used the bathroom and left it. It's hand-painted. It's a George Condo Birken bag. Yeah, to be fair, it is hand-painted.

So technically, it's a work of art. But that also means that she's never, ever, ever going to use it. No. Never, ever. Rihanna, she got an original Jeff Coon sculpture from the creative director of FentyCorp That's possibly worth $5 million Million dollars

But also look at what it is It's an dolphin who's an inflatable dolphin It's an inflatable dolphin But it's a sculpture, you see On a tire On a inflatable tire On a stool, on a book called goat. I'm sure it's saying a lot.

Five mil. Saying five mil worth of stuff. And on her Instagram, she's like, thank you. This is so sexy. Love you. Sexy is not the word I would use to describe this dolphin statue. No. But, you know, I kind of like where she's going with it.

You know, I just think Rihanna can make anything sexy. I guess. A $5 million inflatable dolphin? Yeah, super fucking sexy. I guess. Chrissy Teigen bought John Legend a cheese wheel that cost $2,000.

Although, to be fair, Molly, you'll know these cheese wheels. I feel like I see it in all the Instagram things of like, this is the best pasta you ever have. Yeah. And like put it in the wheel and then like it gets all goopy, cheesy

on the inside. Or what it looks like to me, I've seen this on chef's table is like real parmesan, you know, like a big old wheel of real parmesan. And I watch it and then I'm like, I want parmesan. And then I just like eat my like store parmesan out of a container and pretend I'm eating the real parmesan. I would, I feel like this is the least annoying thing on the list by far because it's $2,000 is a lot of money. But it's people pay $2,000 for really good food. And if it's like that much really good cheese, that's a large thing of cheese.

It's a very large, it's a It's a stool. It's like a lifetime supply of parmesan. Yeah, exactly. At the same time, you have it for a really long time. And you know they're going to use it. So that's kind of nice. Bunch of record executives bought Lady Gaga a horse.

See, there's where it turns. Yeah, a horse is a sentient being. You can't just give somebody a horse. A gayer or a horse. Who's going to take care of the horse? Gaga. I mean, you know, she buys a horse. A horse man. A horse man will come in and take the horse and do the horse things with it.

But like, it's like when you buy a puppy for someone that didn't ask for a puppy, you know? Yeah, yeah. And arguably even harder than a puppy to take care of as a horse. Yeah, the Instagram message was, Today on my doorstep was delivered a white angel from heaven. It felt like the old days of the record business. She's such a spiritual girl. A heartfelt thank you to John Janick and Steve Berman, the whole Interscope family.

I will ride and care for and love her forever. I just, I don't know it. Is that what they did in the old days of the record business? I thought it was like a bottle of booze and a kiss on the mouth, whether you wanted it or not. Yeah, I did not know that horses were back in the good old days when they were still making vinyl, you know. Yeah, when they were still making money.

Yeah. Yeah, they ain't making a whole lot anymore. But you know who made a lot of money from the record business that actually did something good and it's not about a gift that she got, it's a gift that she gave. Jennifer Hudson bought her assistant a house. Oh, that's nice.

Oh, house. I love Jennifer Hudson. I mean, I love everything about her and especially her waistline. It's from heaven. Her waistline is from heaven. And I love her even though I find that the character that they gave her

in Sex and the City of the movie is very insulting. and St. Louise from Sex and the City, that's just the type of thing that Carrie would not do for her. So I'm very glad that Jennifer Hudson flipped the script. Hell yeah. I mean, it's also probably for the best, speaking of Sex and the City,

that they're not doing the next movie because apparently had something to do with Samantha sleeping with a teenager. So, you know, it's all for the best. Yeah, I think that Sex and the City's time has come and gone. And I love that show, and I always will. But I don't think we need to keep making it. All things must end. Yeah.

All right, it's time for blind item. Ah, we can't see them. The blind item that we got this week, I mean, it's a, I would say it's a bit of a perennial, but, you know, let's jump, let's dive back into this one. This permanent A-list country singer with a seemingly permanent side gig is cheating on his longtime celebrity girlfriend with a staffer of a television show. Blake Shelton. It's not Blake Shelton. It's Blake Shelton. He would never. He's going to marry. Of course he would. He's a disgusting, slimy man. Of course he would.

No, he's just outgoing. He's just charming. You're scared of his charm, Molly, and I understand that. I want him to be destroyed. Now that Idris Elba has been replaced him as the sexiest man of the year, I want Blake Shelton to just crumble into dust. He can't, though. He's got more voices to coach. Molly, please.

You'll never change my mind on Blake Shelton. You sure be cool if you did. I still want to try a pink lemonade shooter because of that Blake Shelton song. That I would do. Right? But would you also go and sleep with him afterwards? Absolutely. Because it seems that that is what the implication is.

I'll take his pink lemonade shooter. I'll take it. I'll drink it. I'll ask him for another one. I'll take that and I'll throw it in his face. Yeah, good for you, Molly. Maybe I won't throw it. He didn't do anything to deserve that.

No, no, no, no. He just got you the drink. But also, I am throwing out there, this has nothing to do with Blake Shelton. I forget every year that Batman Returns is a Christmas movie. And I watch Batman Returns the other day. And it is, I haven't seen it in years. Just throwing it out there.

It is a fantastic. movie. Yeah. Yeah, it's a good Christmas movie. It's fucking great, yeah. So I'm just saying to throw it, I want everyone to throw it on their like anti-Christmas Christmas movies that, you know, it's like with the Gremlins, even though it's like, they're not anti-Christmas, but like, you know, the, uh, what are the outliers? The Christmas movies that aren't, that aren't Christmas movies, right? Like Die Hard. Yeah. Yeah. So Batman Returns is on there and everyone should watch it because, man, can you imagine how excited Danny DeVito was when he got that role? Yeah. My nose could

be gushing blood. And he is like, I didn't realize, I haven't seen it in a long time how much, like, he's a little horn, Gwyn, more like. Horn Gwyn. He was like after the ladies. And also apparently Michelle Pfeiffer put a real bird inside of her mouth. Talk about that scene when she puts the bird in her mouth because all the puppets look too weird.

And so she's like, I'm just going to do it with a real bird. Talk about horn Gwyn. She is so hot in that movie. That was Michelle Pfeiffer and Batman Returns. That was definitely like a childhood yardstick for a hotness. Yeah, yeah. You talk about that other yardstick. Mind the pun.

Mind the pun. A punter coming through everyone. Mind the punter. Mind the punter. That's all we got time for every day. Tom, we got to payout. Thank you. Thank you guys so much for listening to this week.

And if you'd like more holiday goodness, just settle on over the Patreon page. It is patreon.com slash page seven podcast. We are live stream watching holiday movies every Thursday until Christmas. And I think you might like it, which we haven't watched a video yet, but I think we're going to do that next week. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

Maybe. Maybe. You know, we'll see. I haven't watched it five times already. It's fine. I got a little play of you. I love it. Love you guys.

We'll talk to you next week.