Page 7 - Episode 284: Franaissance

Episode Date: January 3, 2019

We kick off the new year by talking troubling children's toys, stadium pals and 2019 fashions. Plus, when you use my dedicated link, http://candidco.com/page7, you’ll save 25% on your modeling kit. Robinhood is giving listeners a free stock at http://page7.robinhood.com Want even more hot goss? Patreon supporters get access to weekly bonus content and all sorts of goodies. https://www.patreon.com/page7podcast Secret of Tiki Island, ZigZag, Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Comm Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

She's lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan The flashy girl from Flushin'Bop the nanny named Jackie Welcome to page 7, 2019 and welcome to the beginning of Frannissance 2019 guys I'm doing it Okay, what is Franisans What is Frantzance? I am I am diving headfirst into Fran Fine Wear.

I had Mesh 2018, so that means I'm not getting rid of Mesh. Mesh is still heavily involved, but I'm doing my own take of Fran Dresher's style for 2019. So Mesh will just always be part of who you are now. Yes, that is, that is, you know, that's a forever. And tell me about how, tell me about, tell me about, tell me, me everything. How you got to this decision, what Fran Drescher's looks are. And is there any sort of challenges that come with incorporating her looks, which correct me if I'm wrong, I don't associate with the year 2019 into the year 2019. It is difficult. And like I said, I'm making it my own.

Because there's a lot of her outfits that I certainly, with given my shape and my size, I not only can't wear, but shouldn't wear, but also am going to wear. See, that's good. I'm glad that that was the last thing that you said. That's the thing because I feel like there's so much, especially when it comes with like, with everything that I learned with wearing mesh in 2018 is that when you choose a fashion and it is scary, sometimes you just got to lean in. Just do it. Own it.

And if you own what you're wearing, that's all that matters. Because I used to be one of those people that I would go to the rainbow and I would look at things that are in my size. And I'd be like, people my size shouldn't wear this. That's not what we should be wearing. You can't wear hoochie shorts if you're my size. You can't do these things. Out with the can't. In with the will.

2019, Franissants, I want everybody to be doing it with me. I'm talking animal print. I'm talking crop tops. I'm talking what I'm most scared of, body con dresses. They're not good on me, but you know how I'm going to deal with it? Belts. You know, the one thing that I feel like I can't do, and I can't, I have support, I'm going to slow clap for you forever for this. I hate how we say like, you know, so-and-so just can't wear that.

I think that we should get out with it, and I really admire your approach. But I cannot. I don't think that it's, I don't know what it is. I think it's personal. I just don't think that I can wear those one pieces because I think I will look like a large toddler. I know, I know I will look like a large toddler. Where's Marty going today? She's just around.

My diaperies all full in my diaper juice. Just a little round toddler. Like I have like a tall friend who can wear like a romper, like a one-piece romper and she looks sexy. And if I wore the exact same romper, I would look two years old. But I guess the real question is, Molly, do you want to wear it? I don't. See, and I think that's where it makes the difference. If you really want to wear it, you can find it.

You can find the one, because I found a weird onesie jumper suit. And I dig it. But also, they don't usually look good on me. So sometimes you got to get outside your box. Marcus, is there anything in your fashion that you have always wanted to try to wear, that you feel that you can't? Hmm. You know, I was trying to think, I was trying to think if there was anything that I would want to wear but can't. I can't really pull off cowboy boots.

Why not? Why not? You're from Texas. My feet are too wide. Ah. So you have a physical barrier. Physical barrier, yes. Not like if you wore a cowboy boots, people wouldn't be like, oh, he shouldn't do that.

They probably would be. Oh, there's all sorts of things that I would, you know, like to wear, but absolutely will not. Like a wide pinstripe suit. And the reason why is because I don't want to devote the brain power to, you know, confidence. I'd rather just wear like fucking t-shirt and hoodie and not have to worry about it at all. Like I don't care enough to have to devote the confidence. But you are a guy who could wear like that suit that you got for Henry's wedding and for Heidi Klum's Halloween. You could just be a guy who wears like a well-fitted suit every day and you

would look great. I could be, but that'd be weird. If I was sitting here wearing a well-fitted suit right now, but I was sitting in this fucking basement wearing a well-fitted suit, you'd ask. It would be pretty funny though. Why are you wearing a suit? Why? Yeah, yeah, it's fair. Because you want to look good. For who? But that's the thing.

This is a hard thing for me too because I work, I either work by myself, well, I either work at home or with you guys or in like elementary schools. And so I'm always like, well, why should I dress nicely? Because there's no point. Yeah. But I also, like Jackie, I do have like a symbiotic or like my confidence is like if I know that I'm wearing clothes that make me look good. I do feel much better.

It's just like the queer I guys say. But I'm in a, but like, yeah, I'm like, well, what am I going to put on a suit to go sit in my recording studio in my house? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I go here and the house. Here in the house. Here in the house.

That's pretty much it. I don't want to put on a suit to go down to the bar. Like, go half my head. Hold on a second, sweetheart. I got to put on my suit. I know we're just going out for a drink. But at the same time, it's confidence gets. you everywhere. I've been doing it. I've been trying to do, like I sit here, when I'm putting my

makeup on before we recorded this, which is silly. No one is going to see me today except for you guys, and you guys don't give a fuck about what I look like, but I feel like it's a sense of how you carry yourself. And Fran Fine is the essence of being a powerful, confident human being. She rocked Chartreuse, and that's difficult. And I'm not saying that I'm going to be wearing chartreuse Because I think that it'll make me look like a lizard person Which not that that's bad What is chartruse?

It's a shade of yellow It's a putrid green That's gonna make you look like a lizard, yeah It's gonna make me look like lizard But free and fine could still pull it off You got the same coloring as Fran Drescher, don't you? Yeah, I do, but see that's my whole thing Is starting to learn how to tease my hair

Is something that I've been working on because I don't know how to do anything with my hair. And I think it's started to get to, I'm get to teasing, bitch. Get to tease and bitch. Well, since we are in this conversation, this very queer-I-esque conversation, I feel like I, something I need to figure out in 2019 is somewhat like your mesh, 2018, Jackie. A few years ago, I embraced the fact that I always have, my whole life have wanted to wear,

like, masculine clothes. And for the longest time, I didn't because I was like, people are going to think that I, I don't know what, that I'm a loser. Yeah. And so then finally I was like, I don't care what people think and I'm going to do this. And then I actually felt great and sexy and I felt like I finally knew how to dress up and it was great. And so then having a baby, like changed my body in a way that now I'm a lot, like, the feminine parts of my body are a lot more pronounced than they used to be. And those are the parts of my body that I'm like less interested in like rocking.

Like I like being androgynous looking. And now I got all of these curves. Oh yeah, girl, you own them. I'm not anti-curves at all. But me personally, like I personally, like I know in order to look good now, I think I got to dress more. Anyway, my problem is I have no idea how to dress because I've got a slightly different body and I want to embrace my body. but it, I, my like aspirational, like, I want to be like, you know, I want to, like my wedding outfit was kind of like, you know, David Bowie.

Yeah, it was cool as fuck. Channeling like an androgynous, you know, pretty skinny boy like David Bowie vision. And now I'm like, I have no idea what to fucking do. And so that's like one of my 2019 goals. I don't know what to do. I don't know who to look for. But I feel like I got to figure out what gender. I am and how the fuck to dress.

I say look for a fashion icon. Honestly, you could still do the David Bowie thing. Just look into what David Bowie we used to wear. Yeah. And just like take little parts of it. That's why it's like, Franisans 2019 is about taking the parts of it that I like and making it good for me and my confidence in my life. And Marcus, I think that you can find good wide cowboy boots.

I don't care enough. I know you don't care enough. How awesome would you feel? Strutton into the bar with your fucking cool ass foods and your clipa a cloppa A clipper a cloppa If they'll make you feel really good And they're going to make your ass look even better than it already does Thank you very much

You know, I think one of the big things is that I wish I could just not worry about shoes at all And I could just wear new balances and I have people make fun of my shoes People make fun of my hair Who makes fun of your shoes in your hair? People on the internet Because they want you to wear nicer shoes. Nicer shoes, nicer hair. And I hate my hair.

I don't want anything to do with hair. I wish I could just shave it all off and I have to worry about it. But then I'd look like a little monkey. Yeah, but you'd look like a cute little monkey. I would look like a cute little monkey. But if I could, I'd just fucking take care of all I hate dealing with hair. That's what I wish I could do.

I wish I could do nothing. Okay. When you were a little boy, did you ever have a shaved head? Yeah, looked like a little monkey. Yeah, but then you can act like the outbreak monkey all the time. It's like, am I going to give you a disease? Hop, hop, hop, hop. Oh, it certainly looked like I had a disease.

No, you're just going to give the disease. You're just the carrier of the disease. Ah, just the carrier disease. It would be really fun. I think we maybe already talked about this when we talked about your fear of hair loss. But what if you shaved your head and also became a hat guy? See, I can't be a hat guy because if I put on a hat, and since I got the baby face, it makes me look like 10 years younger, sometimes 15.

If I put on a hat, I could pass off as a teenager sometimes. Ooh, that's kind of fun, though. I wish. I'm trying to rock more baseball hats. That's outside of frantissance. But it also, same thing. I look like I'm trying to be like I'm in the babysitters club. Yes, me too.

I look really like a fun 13-year-old when I put on a hat. Yeah. Like a really fun 13-year-old who will definitely babysit your child. Yeah. But I will say Franisant's 2019 also comes from a lot of other things. I've been reading up a lot about Fran Drescher

and she is an inspiration in so many different ways. I know that we've discussed this before but she was the executive producer writer and seller of the nanny. That was all her idea. That was everything that she bore for herself. But a lot of the things that now she's looking back at

how thin she was in the nanny and not to get into this too much. but 10 years before the nanny started, she had a very harrowing sexual assault at gunpoint, and that's part of the reason why she was so thin. And now looking back, she's like, now I own my curves in a different way because she was going through post-traumatic stress disorder, and she was not dealing with it properly. So part of her whole platform now is dealing with your own mental illness, especially when it comes to eating disorders and talking to yourself more and being more aware of your body and then

working to dress and feel as good as you can in the body that you can take care of. Uh-huh. Yeah. See, that's the, and that's what I like about the kind of queer eye like approach is like, okay, yes, if you feel like you want to go to the gym because I don't like, you'll feel like you have a little bit more control over your life or you like want to feel like you want to get your heart rate moving, like, cool, go to the gym. But it's not like, okay, we can make you look good once you lose weight. It's like let's take your exactly who you are right now and show you that you can look really good right now, which is like my favorite thing about like, you know, the way that we should think about New Year's resolutions and like how we're going to look good

in the new year and all that. Oh yeah, just do it for you. And also another thing that I have in common with Fran Dresher, her first marriage ended. He was also the co-creator of the show because he came out is gay. Also, he was a daddy, daddy, sexy, sexy daddy. His name is Mark Jacobson, and he is hot to trot. I get it. Mark Jacobson. He did a whole bunch of production work, right?

Oh, yeah. Or am I thinking a Mark Goodman production? I know that he does a bunch of other production stuff, but I don't know who Mark Goodman is. Also, I am wearing right now, I wish you guys could see it. My mom made me a daddy skirt for Christmas. And it's got a bunch, I'm going to stand up just so you guys can see it. Oh, it has daddies on it?

It has daddies on it. Cartoon daddies? It's got a bunch of sexy men on this skirt. My mom's like, she made it for me because she thought that it looked like my goth daddy on the skirt, which I was just like, I mean, it definitely does and hubba, hubba. But it's kind of fun. I was like, mom, do you get me now? I was going to say that's like a pretty perfect gift for you. Yeah, dude, she also made me a Riverdale skirt.

That was her? Yeah, she made me an Archie skirt. So I texted Jackie on Christmas morning, Christmas Day, because I got a Riverdale calendar for my dad, which was a very excellent and well-observed gift, and she texted back with a personally made Riverdale skirt. That my mom's made for me. She killed it.

What did you, what was your favorite Christmas gift, Mark? I would say Probably the replica Burn Bundy Burned Burn T-shirt that Carolina got for me Someone was selling some of these t-shirts Well it was and she remembered from like six months ago

When I was research in the Bundy chapter On the upcoming last podcast book There was somebody selling T-shirts At Ted Bundy's execution That they made themselves It says Burn Bundy Burn It's got Ted Bundy in the electric chair I was like oh man I'd love to have

a shirt like that. And she remembered and got me a replica of it. Wow. That's awesome. That's great. Wow, that's a good gift. It's a great gift, yeah. Man, I've been getting some looks because got daddy's corporation crude ink makes this

shirt. It's Ted Bundy and it says, I know what boys like underneath it in like this fun font. And no one likes the shirt when I wear it to the Y. But I think, but you know, they get it and I appreciate that they get it. And I appreciate that they get it. And I love the shirt. Hell yeah, burn, Bundy Byrne. I dig it.

It was pretty sweet. Yeah, I got that. Tickets to an awesome Ramon's tribute concert that we went to last week. Nice. And a new robe, a new house robe, which I've needed a new one for years now. You're a robe guy? Oh, yeah, I'm a robe guy. Yeah, yeah, big robe guy.

Ooh, what kind of robe? Cloth. I don't know what kind of cloth is. But is it like, is it like Ebonyzer Scrooge? in Christmas story where it's like a Christmas carol where it's like a rich burgundy. Oh no, it's nice and simple, comfortable, warm, beautiful. Hell yeah. I got a fun mesh robe for Christmas.

That's leopard print and I really dig that. I don't think it does much in the way of warmth, but it's kind of fun. That's combining 2018 and 2019 right there. Hybrid. Got to make a hybrid, guys. I got, Gideon gave me Just Dance 2018 on the Noghapes. Nintendo Switch and I am extremely excited, but I'm the only person in my community who wants to play the very fun video game, which is sad because none of my friends are interested and no one

who lives in my house is interested, so I just play by myself. No. Just dance? Is that like with the move controller? Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I just want to dance. Why doesn't anyone else want to dance? What's wrong with them? It's the most fun video game on earth. I want to dance with you. Can we dance or would I have to get the system? I got to get the video games. I don't know if we can play remotely. I mean, to be both of the people who live in my house, both of the adults of my house, they will play it. They have played it.

They're just not as enthusiastic about it as I am. I understand. So I'm experiencing a bit of an enthusiasm gap around Just Dance 2018. I understand. There was quite enthusiasm for one of the games I got for Henry for Christmas. Have I talked on here about Chow Crown yet? Oh. No, but you sent me the YouTube video of Chow Crown.

And it's the grossest fucking thing I've ever seen. Did you see Chow Crown Molly? No, I've been, I'm still recovering from the yellies. And thanks to everybody who has tagged us on Instagram with the videos of them yelling at their yellies. I'm going to have to show you this video of Chow Crown. It's a Hasbro game. It's 100% real. I checked.

I double checked that this was absolutely real because it did not seem real. in any way whatsoever. Here we go, Molly. I'm ready. Hasbro Gaming, Chow Crown official spot. Jow Crown. Playing with your food just got a whole new spin. It's Chow Crown, new from Hasbro Gaming.

Fit your food on the forks and set the ground spinning. Oh, no. Music stops and out-jop the competition. What? Oh, no. It is a crown. Oh. with a little, with a lot of little strings coming off,

plastic, uh, plastic forks and spoons and, and whatnot. And then you put food on the plastic spoons and forks. And then you got to move your head around. It doesn't rotate itself. It spins. It spins and you have to eat all the food off of it before the song stops. Oh my God.

People are going to choke. What is the song? I have, I just send it to you. I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to post it on Instagram. I recorded Henry using the chow crown. And the thing is, is what they don't tell you about chow crown, is that you will choke on something. And he was so upset while using the chow crown.

And I forced him to use it. And it's so funny, we put, like, prosciutto, we put shrimp on it. We put cornichons on it. And he's so upset This is fucking awful And I'm gonna post the video on Instagram Because it is the funniest It's like it's like when you make a dad do something

It's like play with the Barbie house with me dad And he's like all right yeah No I'm down I'll do it Yeah and he's not smiling at all Like he's having any sort of good time He's forced to do this The game is very difficult to play and it's very hard to keep it on your head.

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Don't judge me. I've been very sick. I mean immediately upon looking at that, I'm like, that's a choking hazard. Like anybody who has spent time with children, you're always telling children not to talk and laugh and eat at the same. Like, chew your food and then talk. You know, like, don't laugh hysterically while you're eating. You're going to choke. This is like a terrible idea. Such an awful idea.

It doesn't seem real at all. Do they give you suggestions for what kind of food is best for the chow crown or is anybody's game? It's very difficult because the tiny forks have no piercing factor whatsoever. And also it can't hold a lot of weight. So you have to, we placed, we like shoved a shrimp in between the prongs of these tiny plastic forks. And the cornish on was difficult. It's easier with pieces of meat or cheese Because you can shove it in between the prongs

Oh God Playing with your food just got a whole new spin It's Chow Crown from Hasbro Gaming Fit your food on the forks and set the crown spinning Can you gobble it up before the music stops It's fast-paced crown chopping action Do you guys ever play the game Chubby Bunny when you were a kid?

Actually, before we get to Chubby Bunny There's a typo on the YouTube page And it says, it's fast-paced crow-chomping action. Oh. Wow. She's biting the head off a crow like as he asked for. Ah, Drah! Oh, yeah, that's what I want.

It's fast-paced crow-chumping action. And it's an actual nightmare of mine to have to fit a lot of food my mouth at once. I'm a real small bites type of gal. I want small bites and I want to eat at my own pace. And the game, that's the game Chubby Bunny, the damn summer camp game. Do you all play that? Yeah, Toby Bunny, yeah. It makes me sick just to think about it.

Wait, what is Chubby Bunny? It is another choking hazard that you play with children where you are, you have to put, see how many fucking marshmallows you can fit in your mouth and still say the words Chubby Bunny. It is a recipe for vomiting marshmallows. That's literally the point of the game. It's like how people try to drink a gallon of milk just so they can vomit it. It's like, this is just trying to choke to death. or vomit on marshmallows and then say chubby bunny.

And the park program that I went to that was across the street from my house, they always played it and I always refused and they always really treated me like I was a party pooper for not wanting to play this disgusting game. Chow Crom, only got two and a half stars on Amazon. Also, it only fits on tiny-headed people. Henry and I both have notoriously very small heads. And it fit on our heads, but it doesn't fit on any other adult's head that I know. I've tried.

Can you give me a sense of what the reviews say on Amazon? Okay. I was so excited to get this game for Thanksgiving. I just knew it would be a hit for the kids. But it was a disaster. No. Why? It took about 30 minutes to put together.

The crown would not stay on anyone's head. And if you tried to adjust it, pieces would fall off. We only got it working about three times. And no one was able to even get close to reaching the food. If they moved their head at all, the crown fell off. First game I ever bought that made kids cry. Can you imagine the frustration of finally getting it like the house of cards,

getting it on your head and then turning it on and then everything falls apart. You're like, oh, man. Waste of money. Took over 30 minutes to put together. Finish the game in tears. 30 minutes, but also who took 30 minutes? Jeff put it together in like five minutes. There are a lot of pieces, yes.

But it's not, no, you don't think, it doesn't think 30 minutes. It's not 13 dead end drive. I was going to say 13 dead end drive. Put it in there. 13 dead end drive takes hours and it is worth it. Is it worth it? I remember having 13 dead end drive and never actually playing it because it took so long to put together. I really only remember playing it once this kind of like epic day with my cousins of like taking hours and hours to set it up and then playing it.

And I was just so excited that it was worth it. But I think that we play it. You play it, you're done in like 15 minutes and you're like, oh. Cool. It's not like monopoly where it takes, like, where it's like really a worthwhile investment of time. It's more just, you know, it's like mousetrap, but even more rigmarole and even like less payoff. Okay. See, Don't Wake Daddy was always the one that was like, I was down to set up Don't Wake Daddy.

I had forgotten about Don't Wake Daddy until we discussed it on the show years ago. And I think that the kind of terrifying patriarchal implications of don't wake daddy, like daddy's going to be fucking pissed. If you know, you wake him up. Don't wake him up. Don't wake fucking daddy. Yeah, shut the fuck up.

You know what daddy hates him when you wake him. Yeah, because daddy's trying to sleep because daddy works real hard. Daddy comes home angry and he goes to sleep. Kids need to learn to be quiet. You don't always get what you want. Daddy! Don't wait. Daddy!

I like racing children in fear. I said don't wake daddy. Who do you think has to deal with Daddy if you wake him up? I just like, I wish the tagline was like, Daddy won't love you anymore if you wake him up. I wish that the tagline was like, don't worry, it's a fun daddy. He'll be mad, but he won't be

scary mad. You kids, you woke up daddy. Yeah, daddy's just going to be like, oh, I woke up instead of like scary. I swear to fucking God, if you fucking kids don't shut the fuck up

for five fucking minutes. Daddy's going to lose it. That's the kind of. I think that's my favorite part, though. When Daddy wakes up, his eyes open really wide, and it's like all bloodshot, like he's been on a bender for three days. But Daddy himself in Don't Wake Daddy, he doesn't look scary.

Like he looks like a doofy daddy, not like a scary daddy. He looks like a schizophrenic dad. He looks schizophrenic. Actually, I feel like he is fairly scary. I just remember, like, making the parisphatic. The Barretes start screaming, and that always woke Daddy up. You got to keep the Barrettes asleep. But wait, doesn't Daddy have, like, a fun nightcap on?

Maybe I just thought his pajamas were fun. Daddy's got a fun nightcap on, too. I think Daddy who has a fun nightcap can't be that scary, can he? I don't know. Ebonyzer Scrooge wore a nightcap. That's true. And Mr. Burns wears a nightcap. Yeah, and those aren't nice people.

Man, now I just want to play Don't Wake Daddy, but I do highly recommend the Chow Crown. It was like $13 for endless entertainment. Every other person on Amazon says don't buy the chow crown. You're the first person who played it without it ending in tears. Unless Henry cried. Most of the time it ends with someone crying. I mean, yeah, but also watching Henry in the video that I said to you,

he kept trying to get the shrimp in his mouth, but we didn't take the tail off the shrimp. So we only got the end. And we're like, you got to eat it. You got to eat, he only got the tail end. So he's like kind of half chewing on the tail of a shrimp before he spit it out. Oh, my God, this is my nightmare game. If you make me play this game, I'll cry.

All right, I won't. I'm not going to make you play the game, but I'm just saying maybe it would be fun to try. The yellies are a lot of fun, though. I don't know if you end up playing. We played with a bunch of yelies, and they are a lot of fun. I definitely, well, I appreciate everyone tagging us with their yellies videos, I was like, I went from thinking, wow, this is a really fun idea to even after watching the short

Instagram videos being like, okay, wow, I definitely don't want these in my house. Yeah. They're great. It's like you could always hear where they are, but the problem is they get stuck in places. So you have to like fish them out, but you try to yell them out. So I just found myself over the entertainment center underneath the television, and screaming at the yelly, trying to get it to turn around and come back out

until I just had to go underneath and, like, fish it out, and then I was covered in dust. You know, it would be kind of fun if you were, like, having, like, if I was a TV writer, this is what I would do. You could have, you are, like, having a terrible fight with your significant other,

and then the yellies come alive, then skitter across the floor. Just to provide some sort of entertainment while you're screaming at each other, you know, it's kind of nice. It gets pretty tedious after a while. We have gone over this before. There's the yelling.

I just want someone to think about what I'm feeling. See, I wish they yelled back, but they don't yell back. Oh, they don't? No, no, no, no. You just hear the whirring of their mechanisms. Haunting your dreams. But speaking of weird, I mean, I'm not going to say poor television writing.

I watched Black Mirror Bander Snatch for hours when it came out. I like the concept of it. It's cool that we are watching in our time span television become interactive. And you know that it's only going to grow and get cooler and deeper. Yeah. But the idea of it, like, I mean, we hit, I think, three and I was just like at that point it's like I don't even care I don't care about the other endings I don't care it's like the actors were really good in it and I'd like the idea and I'd like to think

like the writing was so good that if you go through and it follows where you are so that like if you never like followed this person and you didn't have that experience then all of your other choices change overall. They were really good at keeping track of everything. But the story was not good enough for me to care that much and

eventually give up. That's always a problem. That's really what it was. It got to a point where I was like really, really sick too. So the only reason why I think I stuck with it for so long is because I was completely immobile on the couch.

And that's why I dealt with it. But then I even like raised like a red flag. I was like, can we stop? Can we stop finding? Is it like something you could like come back? Is it like a show like where you like can start it and come back to it or is it like you're supposed to kind of do it all at once like a movie? You do it all at once but it's um I wish I think that eventually over time they're going to figure out a way so you can just hit back and go back from decision to decision to decision

rather than having to like go start over again and things like that. It's a very interesting idea, but I understand why everyone was just like, ah, yeah, but I can only imagine how fucking long it took to write it, to edit it, to get the whole thing done, like, on the whole, it was

a fun, it's cool to watch with a big group of people, because you're yelling at each other, like, choose sugar puffs, choose sugar pops! And, like that kind of thing. So the experience of it is fun, but I recommend watching it with a big group of people.

And it's, it's, Like the fact every episode of Black Mirror is standalone, right? Like I have never watched Black Mirror because everybody tells me that I won't like it because it's too scary. It's pretty scary. It's scary. But what I like is that there's a good amount of like Easter eggs on little like blip twos of different Black Mirror episodes within the movie, which is a lot of fun. So it's still in the same world of Black Mirror. I don't know.

You should watch the Pig episode. Yeah, that's, I mean, I feel like I should watch. Yeah. The Pig one isn't that. scary. And it came true in real life because David Cameron definitely actually did fuck a pig. That is true. Yes. It's very upsetting though. I feel like that one like although it wasn't scary, that was the one that made me nauseous. It's upsetting. It's very upsetting. Yeah. But it's beautifully upsetting. Like I feel like I should watch it because it's scary in a political way and

I spend a lot of time being scared in a political way. Yeah. But I also, it's like like many things, And like many people, I assume. By the end of the day, when I sit down, I'm just like, do I want to go on like a psychological journey right now? Or do I want to watch Fuller House, which I inexplicably started last night and don't regret a moment of it? No, Molly. How do you like it?

It is so bad, but it's like comfort it. Like the way that, like, you know how it's just comforting to watch shit that you've seen before? Like, I don't know if you guys have the thing where you just will. Yeah, all of American entertainment is based on that fucking feeling. Just recreating. Yeah, yeah. Especially sitcoms. It's just like, and I'll watch Fullhouse reruns.

Like, whenever they're on, I've seen them a million times. And I hated them at the time, and I still hate them. And it's just so comforting. It's like deeply comforting. And for some reason, Fuller House, it's just like watching reruns of a show you've already seen, even though you haven't. And it's so, something must be broken inside me that I am comforted by this and really enjoy it. And I was like, I'm just going to keep, I'm going to work my way.

through all four fucking seasons the show, it's still on. Those kids are like old now. And now I'm in it. I think maybe you're just suffering from a Candace Cameron Beret-sized hole in your Hallmark experience. Well, that's what I realized

from my Hallmark and Lifetime immersion is that this is the exact type of media that I like. I like really feel good, schmaltzy, like painfully written. Schmaltz, I want to. injected straight into my veins, and I loved that in the holiday season, and I think that that's right. I think I was, like, longing for that sweet formulaic comfort, and I got it in the

home of the Fullers. I did watch the Fuller House countdown. You know, I know that we discuss it every year, but they're really going out of their way with the fake countdowns on Netflix for kids. Very bad and upsetting. The Fuller House one, number one, do they always, like, The partners in it always kiss each other as if their brother and sister. Very weird and upsetting. I'm still on season one. None of them have partners yet. Are you talking about the fake New Year's countdown?

Yes. Have you heard about this? No. Yeah, it's like where you set all the clocks in your house ahead and then you do a fake countdown for the kids so they go to sleep and then you can enjoy your night. And you lie to them? Yeah. You lie to the children and you do the countdown and then you send them on their

merry sleepy way so you can go get tanked and torque your partner for the first time in three years. Interesting. Interesting. I mean, I like the idea of doing a countdown for kids, but I don't like the idea of lying to them, although, of course, we lie to them about Santa, and that's fine. But maybe you should just incorporate the magic of Christmas,

and then it's not lying. I feel like that's what I would do. It's like Santa doesn't exist, but the magic of Christmas exists. Yeah, they'd be like, yes, we look. Counting down and cheering is very fun, but just like you cheers with your, you know, apple juice, we will also count down to 10 o'clock. Yeah. 10 o'clock. It's time to go to bed.

But the problem is that now there's like 20 of them on Netflix, and I watched one that was Boss Baby themed. I mean, I was trying to watch the ones that would make me the most upset. And Boss Baby definitely takes the cake of things that upset me. really truly brutally. I refuse to ever watch it. I want nothing to do with it. And I'm sure that it is in some way, shape, or form entertaining to some people, and that is fine. And I celebrate you.

Oscar-nominated boss baby. I have a winner joke that I make to myself only, which is I have a onesie for my baby that is from Asbury Park, New Jersey. That is the Bruce Springsteen cover that says, welcome to Asbury Park, New Jersey. and whenever she wears it, I refer to her as the boss baby. See, that's cute. That's a cute mom joke. That's my mom joke. I make it only in my head.

Yeah, yeah. That's cute. Very cute mom joke. That's it. Oh, you're the boss baby. Yeah. Oh, it's the boss baby. I know you are.

Cute. I like that. The only boss baby I'll ever watch. But if you watch the countdown, boss baby's countdown, you will be filled with rage. Yeah, I really don't want to watch boss baby. I really don't. I won't watch Boss Baby do anything. Also, I forgot to do the research of it.

Did you guys watch Steve Harvey's, like the New Year's Eve special? I watched the opening sketch and the first few minutes. Snoop Dogg was there. Ooh. No, I didn't watch Steve Harvey's. He was, you know, his outfits are getting more and more interesting. I kind of like him with a beard now. But he had this child cohort, and I'm not sure if it's his actual kid.

but he had on a fake mustache the entire time, and he was also bald, and so he kept referring to him as little Steve. And he, you know, he was a little kid. He wasn't very good at it. I mean, he did a good job as a child doing it, yes. But I just thought it was an interesting choice. And also then there's crazy weird Jenny McCarthy and whatever happened to her face.

Yeah, I don't know, because we had on the, what is it, the Ryan Seacrest. We had the Dick Clark rocking. We went classic with Dick Clark at our New Year's party. Yeah, well, Steve Harvey got the edge because that started at 11, and Ryan Seacrest didn't start until 1130. So if you really, you know, are sitting there at 11, I wonder what the fucking would do with you life.

That's when you're tuned in to Steve Harvey. You know, it's local news. That's what they do. It's always local news from 11 to 1130. But then there's also like two or three hours where there was quite a nice bit of shot in Freud watching all the people freeze their ass off in the rain on New Year's Eve while we were in our nice, cozy little house. Yeah, I did think about Snoop Dog during that performance.

I just wonder how he felt. Yeah, it's, I don't, I mean, I don't really know how they choose. I know that a lot of this stuff is now recorded. It's pre-recorded and done. I don't, I can't, honestly remember the last time I actually even paid attention to, like, to what they're doing. I feel like it's always just on in the background while you're playing with your chow crown. Here she is, boys.

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Sign up at page 7.robinhood.com. That's page 7.robinhood.com. This ad is also brought to you by the fact that I've had Rose's turn from Gypsy stuck in my head for about a week. The real question is, if you're there, would your choice of bathroom apparatus be diaper or stadium friend? It have to be... Wait, what's a stadium friend?

It's like a catheter. I think a stadium friend is like a, it's not an actual catheter, but it's like a funnel that goes into like a colostomy bag that is strapped to your leg. I might be wrong about what a stadium friend is. Stadium pal. Stadium pal. I'm pretty sure it is like a, it's a little sack that holds your urine for you,

much like a catheter. It is. Okay. There's also those funnels that people with vaginas can get so that they can pee standing up, but I think that that has a different name. So I didn't want to confuse it. But yeah, stadium friend is a colostomy bag.

Yeah, it's a portable urinal for men is what it's called. It's a stadium pal. Stadium pal. I just remember my mom talking about going to watch the New Year's Eve ball drop. I think in like the late 70s, early 80s, and even back then, they would corral you in. You can't go to the bathroom. And I remember her telling me, she's like, I had five inch heels on. And within the first 20 minutes, someone threw up all over me.

And so for the rest of the night, I was covered in puke, and then everywhere I stepped, she's like, I shouldn't have had the heels on, but I was trying to look good. And I just kept, like, slipping in puke everywhere. Because also, everybody's hammered. Yeah. Puk's got to be an even bigger hazard than pee. Yeah. And so everyone's just doing whatever. And, like, of course, dudes have, on the whole, a much easier time with their equipment and able to do it.

But I think that they're much more on top of people just peeing. Because then she's like, and then an hour later, someone just pissed all over my shoes. Yeah, right. I think that it probably worked out in people's favor this year because it was raining. So everybody had ponchos on. Probably protect you from the pee and the vomit. Probably. But if you're a lady, there's also a stadium gal.

So that's got to be the funnel. Because, again, catheter is a real thing. You can't really do that yourself. What's the other one called? It's called like a, yeah, but there's another one. It's called like a giny peepy. to put it in my janie. What is it called?

The one where it helps you pee standing up, right? Yeah. Sheewee. Sheewee. It's a little funnel. I think you got to go overnight diaper, 12-hour protection. Yeah, overnight diaper. But that's going to get real uncomfortable.

Yeah, it's going to be so cold and you're sitting in your own wet. Yeah, you've got to sit in your own wet. Real heavy. But then imagine at the end of the day. night. Taking it off. How satisfying it would you take it off? Your 15 pound diaper.

I don't know. Fucking throw that horrible piss soap pad. Because you're in your hotel room because you're not at home. You're in your hotel room. You have to put it in a plastic

CVS bag and put it out in the hallway. Why do you sleep with it on? At that point, you're already rashy. So, you know, Justin, just leave it all. Wait till it dries Just pat, pat, pat My problem with the

Shewees is that like I'm intrigued in trying it but I also don't want to shove a big plastic device up in a pussy hole You know? Like squirty is squirty but I think That's going to make it drier than a desert And that doesn't sound fun it makes me think of What do they call Molly?

You know clag clag-clank Squide squagg squagg Squig I know what you're talking about Sea clamp During an OBE exam? Yes. Yeah, the thing that they, they, the carjack that they, yeah, the carjack. Yeah, the, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the carjack. Yeah, yeah, it's a, it's a, it's a gianty sea

clamp and I don't need that inside of me, but I guess if it works, honestly, I'd rather piss all over my own shoes. Yeah, I mean, you're going to be covered with other people's piss, so why not also be covered in your own? Yeah, well, the shiwi is, like, that's just something that, you know, you just clamp over your hole and that way you can pee standing up. I don't know what, like the pictures that they use just, they make me feel weird.

Let me show you Molly. Ooh. Right. It just makes you feel weird. Are you looking at the same? It looks uncomfortable. Yeah. Are you looking at the same pictures

that we're looking at, Jackie? I'm looking at the one on Amazon. Yeah, the one with the girl's like camping in the Grand Canyon or something. Oh. Oh, yeah. And she looks real pleased with herself. Yeah, I mean, her I'm proud of, but it's the close-up.

It's the close-up of it clamped on that looks. I mean, I don't know about proud. She's proud for her, you know. Here's another one of a woman using it that looks vaguely annoyed to have to post for this picture. What's interesting is that all these people are in remote locations where it's just as easy to just pull your pants down. Yeah, but then they're standing. Yeah, but. I mean, surely it's more convenient to pee standing up,

but is it more convenient to attach something to your vagina before you pee standing up? I know. And then have, and then carry around this thing that is now covered in piss? Yeah, right. I like that it comes in different colors, though. You know, just to make it more fun.

I want a pink one. You've got like, you know, you got your bag where you got your diva cup, then you got your Shiwi, and you got all the different devices that go in or attach to or on. on your vagina. You got your go-girl? That's the other one. There's the Shiwi and there's the go-girl.

I like Go-Girl better, I think, name-wise. I'm intrigued by the different sizes of the Shiwi. I just am worried about how it would feel. I just feel like, I mean, again, I've never used one. I'm not saying I'm above it. I would definitely try it. I am intrigued. But I just feel like, is it based on,

squirty size or is it based on clothing size and if it's based on clothing size what does that matter? It's just for your squirty bird. Right. Yeah. And we did talk about how all squirty birds pretty much the same size. Talked about that a few weeks ago, right?

On the outside. Roughly. I mean, it certainly doesn't correlate to your like dress size. No, every woman has the exact same size. No, we know that's not true. We do know that that is not true. I do know that.

But yeah, I think it's not like your dress out like, oh, well, I'm a size eight, you know. Like, I just don't think it works that way. But it is still, I mean, that's a whole other ballgame. But like, it's insane how little I know about pussies. And I have one. So it's like, I feel like we should probably know more about that. That and taxes. I feel like taxes and pussies.

I think the society would be better about. Yeah, in school, we need to learn more about taxes and cooters. I agree. I agree. I would take that course in a heartbeat. We're grossly unprepared for. And they're both things that we want to avoid talking about. You know, and I think that the stigma around both of them really hurts everybody.

Tax and cutters. Taxes and cuters. I well learn about tax cuters. Oh, yeah. This is third semester. Third semester you get to choose an elective. It's either taxes, cooters, or cooking. I'll take cooters.

I think it could be private parts in general. You know, but we, I mean, I think that there's less of a societal mystery around penises as there is around vaginas. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, they're just dead with penises. You just, you see the whole thing. What you see is what you get. Yeah, what you see is what you get. It's all there.

There's no inner mysteries or workings. That's true. No, just one, one tube to heaven is what I call penises. I guess it's important to me that both of these products, the Shiwi and the Go girl, that I hope that they were, if not invented by people with Viginesines, I hope that there was a lot of oversight done by people with vaginas. I'm concerned about... I got a feeling it probably was. I hope so.

Yeah, I mean, but the Go Girl has pretty good reviews, although one does say, practice at home before using it in the outdoors. Before you're out in your beautiful Grand Canyon vacation and you pee all over your pants. But where does the tube go? It's this Go-Girl combo package with extension tube. Does the tube you put up? you? You cannot put, listen, I've been catheterized twice both times when I was hospitalized, and it is not something you can do on your own.

Wait, would they, is that, is that a tube? No, how the Go Girl works is that it just kind of cups over the entire vagina. It's a cup. Yeah, it's a cup. It just kind of covers the whole thing. See, at that point, I'll just piss into a cup. Exactly. I've definitely peed into a cup before. Yeah, we all have. That's classy. It's again, I'm not certain The convenience of this would be like a New Year's situation If you're like are in a crowded place

And you want to just be able to be standing up surrounded by people But that's not really the best course of action in that scenario anyway But if you're by yourself in the woods just take your just drop your pants Yeah, they even come in green camouflage color Oh so no one can see sexy Oh man there's a she we extreme Why? What is it?

What's extreme about it? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. It goes directly to your bladder. Yeah. Get in there. Squeeze the peepees out.

It puts you at major risk for a kidney infection. You, yeah, yeah. I mean, now I'm intrigued. Now I kind of want one. The extreme comes with a carry case and an extension tube. I think that I would be curious if there is, perhaps an argument that these could be used by people who have vaginas but are men and want to use men's bathrooms. And so that is probably a use for these that is actually really good.

I am completely down. I mean, it's like I'm not that that's helpful. Support it a thousand percent. Yes. In that context, I feel like it makes total sense. I'm just saying if you're by yourself in the woods like the women in these pictures, just get over yourself and show your ass. You know, like the problem is you got to show your ass when you pee, you know, by pulling your pants down. Cold. Yes Honestly

Although I'm reading this one about Like someone was She's a woman in the military That uses it Because there are a lot of instances Where there are no way And also that makes complete sense That does make sense

And it's approved by NATO Yeah Yeah If it's somewhere where you don't want to Show your ass Then that's the key I think what my problem is with the art They need different art

They need to put you in a situation Where you're like I can't pull my pants down here And I don't feel that way when I look at a woman alone in nature. When I'm in nature alone, I'm like, yeah, I'll pull my pants down here. Who cares? Oh, yeah, it don't matter. I think I just kind of wanted to start using one on a day-to-day basis.

Just because why not? Yeah, just to see. Just to see how it feels. To have a pee-pee. I want pee-pee. Put up a little hook in your bathroom, like where you hang your go-girl. Don't touch my go-girl. I know it's like a you-go-girl, but also it's my go-girl.

Yeah, and the reviews are, it's like, works great on the pros. It's like outdoor convenience, scary in case cons, seems unnecessary to some. All right, it's time for the list. Who's on the list? Marcus, got to have that list. New Year's Day babies. Celebrities or New Year's Eve babies. Excuse me.

Okay, all right. New Year's Eve babies. Also fair. Anthony Hopkins, 81 years young. Oh, my God. I watch, he's on his Instagram, he posted his top nine that obviously someone did for him. And it's just like different selfies of Anthony Hopkins. And it made me feel very, very happy.

I love Anthony Hopkins so much. Tony, everybody calls him Tony. Tony Hopkins. Yeah, and apparently he's just the best. Yeah, I believe that. Ben Kingsley, 75. Good for him. Yeah.

He's British, right? Yeah. Is he a sir? Yeah, I think he's a sir. I feel like he's, um, he's like a much better Stephen Seagall. You know what I mean? Interesting. I wouldn't have thought that. He's the people, Stephen Seagall.

Also, number one, we hate Stephen Seagall. Stephen Seagall is a horrible person. But Ben Kingsley is able to play many different. different people and you know what he always weirdly pulls it off. I see. That's how he's like Steven Seagal. That's how he's like Steven Seagal. Because Steven Seagal, sometimes he's Eskamine,

sometimes he's Italian, sometimes he's Hispanic, and you're just like, all right, I guess we just go with it. Just because, you know. It's the same Steven Seagal all the way through, though. It's always Seagal. You get pretty much the same thing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Except for sometimes his name is Perez.

Yeah, they just switch it up. They're keeping it fun. Val Kilmer. He turned 59. I'm trying to figure out what all these people have in common in terms of their personalities. Like, are they all really fun? Yeah, I guess Bing Kingsley's fun. I don't know if he is.

What horoscope is that? Yeah, that's the question. It's Capricorn. Is that Capricorn? Yeah, same as me. And what are you a lot of fun? Yeah, I'm a fucking barrel of laughs. You are a barrel of laughs.

You know me. Fun Marcus, there's Marcus, it's time for fun to happen. It's not a fun, fun, until fun boys here. Oh, fun boys arrive. As fun as a chow crown. Oh, you fucking chow crying. Don't wait daddy! As fun as daddy and don't wake daddy.

As fun as daddy and don't wake daddy. That's Marcus. No, a Capricorn is a sign that represents time and responsibility, and its representatives are traditional. and often very serious by nature. These individuals possess an inner state of independence that enables significant progress both in their personal and professional lives.

They are masters of self-control and have the ability to lead the way, make solid and realistic plans, and manage many people who work for them at any time. This does sound like you, Mark. And get to the top based solely on their experience and expertise. Wow.

Does that ring true for you? Except for the whole self-control thing. Very, very little of that No, you have a good amount Look at all the work you get done Your self-made man I guess Yeah, you Capricorn

I guess All right, time for Blight Adam Ah, we can't say him Only got one this week But it's about a I guess the further slide downhill Of a talk show host That former A-Minus List actor who's been acting since he was a youngster

is lining up to take over permanently for this illiterate talk show host who is in bad shape right now. Ooh, is it Wendy Williams? Wendy Williams has been our way out for a while now. And he's taking over. Child star, he was in a great, awesome 90-sci-fi TV show. He's a fat little kid. Then he'd grow up to be big and strong. Oh, yes, please.

I don't know. He was a little chunker in like an 80s ensemble movie. And then he'd grow up to be big strong man. A chunker? Did he play chunk? But I don't know what his name is. He did not play chunk. No, that kid grew up to be an entertainment lawyer.

Oh, good for him. Although sleazy. But go for him. A little chunker from an 80s ensemble. The red-haired kid from Sandlot? No, no. Before that, earlier than that. earlier than that a chunker, eh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Kind of like it's a dark on, like, like, like stand by me? Yes, exactly like stand by me because it is stand by me. Ooh. And who's the little chunker? Who's the, what's his name?

I don't know what his name is in real life. His name is Jerry O'Connell. Oh. That's right, he was chunky chunks, wasn't he? Man, I got to watch Standby Me again. It's solid. Yeah, I want to do that.

Yeah, that's right. He played Vern. Vern. I would watch, you know what, I'm down. But why is Jerry O'Connell? That's interesting. There's such a strange choice to replace Wendy Williams. I think he's been filling in for here and there,

and he's doing a great job with him from what I hear, yeah. I know that he was like, he did a lot when it was like the transition between like Regis and Kathy Lee. And like doing like, I know he's like stepped up a lot in a lot of the hosting different ways. He's very affable. And I dig. But the problem is that Wendy Williams is all shade. I don't know if he can provide what she has done. I agree.

I don't know if people want shade anymore, though. I think shade might be falling into the background a little bit. Might be falling into the past. I like it if we move past shade a little bit. People want affable and sincere. Yeah. More like a, because you know, Harry Connick Jr., he's doing great. Yeah, that's true.

And you know, you're not going to like this, Jackie, but I watched an episode of the Rachel Ray Show over the break, and I love her. I love her. I love her. I've always loved her. I still love her. She's so much fun.

You only love her because of your, we love the things, we hate the things within which we see ourselves. I know. Ouch. And I know. Because you're so fun. And she's so fun. And I really.

think you guys would be good friends. She's a number one B and also did you see that Gordon Ramsey's having a fifth child by the way? Go for him. Knock up that hot wife. And the Kardashian Wests are having a forest. And another surrogate. Yes, surrogacy baby. There's babies in 2019. We are excited about all the fruitful possibilities. I do hope that Jerry O'Connell takes it over because you're right. We're done with shade. Shade ends in 2018. It's time for positivity. There's no room for it There's no room for shade anymore Only room for sunshine

Thank you guys so much For joining us this Our first episode of 2019 I feel really good about this year guys I'm filled with gusto And I'm ready to tackle 2019 Are you guys? Sure

Yeah That's what I like to hear Thank you guys for joining us this week On page 7 If you like what you're here And you'd like some more content roll on over to patreon.com slash page 7 podcast.

We posted the video of Henry and I watching Muppet Christmas Carol, and I will say I did eyes him on live stream, and he was very upset, and he took it like a goddamn champ. It's a very fun video. And I'm very proud of him. I love you guys very much. Thank you so much for joining us in this, the year of, I'm going to say, I don't know, it's not the rabbit.

I don't know. What's this year? The goat. Oh, it's the goat, really? I don't know, I just made that up. Oh. Why, what are you the year of? Bore.

I'm a bore. What are you, Molly? You're the fun boar. Don't wake the pig. Don't wake the wild pig. I don't know what I am. It is the year of the pig. So happy year the pig, everybody.

We are really excited. And I love you guys so much. My name is Jackie Zabrowski. You can follow me on Instagram at Jack That Worm. And I'm going to be posting the Chow Crown video of Henry using the Chow Crown. He has given me his stamp of approval. Oh, it's the year of the boar? Pig.

The pig and a boar are the same thing. Are they the same thing? Yeah. That means it's my year. It's your year, Marcus. That's your year, Markis. That's your year. Yeah.

Look at you, Marcus, it's going to be a good year for you. Your birthday's coming up, and it is the year of the Marcus is what it is. Sure. Yes. Be positive. The birthday is fast as fast as possible. possible. I know. You'll get past it. Well, we always do, baby. We always do. We love you guys, and we will talk to you next week.