Page 7 - Episode 297: April Reals Day

Episode Date: April 4, 2019

Jackie, Molly and Holden discuss scented sandals, the Dynasty reboot and how much they hate pranks. Plus, when you use my dedicated link, http://candidco.com/page7, you’ll save 25% on your modeling kit Get 50% off your first year at http://honeybook.com/ with promo code: PAGE7 Get your first refill pack free at http://getquip.com/page7 Join in on the fun over on our Patreon page and help support the show! https://www.patreon.com/page7podcast Thief in the Night, Smooth Lovin, Sunshine, Kevin MacLeod Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Uh-oh, she's got an annoying one in her head today. You guys ready for it? Yeah. Yes, and. Yes, and. I don't think you trust in my self-righteous suicide. I cry, because angels deserve to die. In my self-frighteous suicide.

Come on, sing it to me on. I cry. Because angels deserve to die. I have had that song stuck in my head ever since at your now wife's bachelorette party, Mr. Husband, Holden McKee. We got our marriage certificate today or yesterday. You're actually married now. We are actually fucking finally married. There are many steps to that.

Well, now you know every single step and welcome to marriage. And thank you again. my name is Jackie Zabrowski. Welcome to page seven. And I mean, Molly's here too. Molly Neffle and so happy to have Holden here. Oh, yeah. And I will say this.

I'm married. And Molly, you're married. Jackie. Ouch. Why are you married? Fun fact about Jackie. Not married. Not married.

Maybe someone just broke my heart just a little bit ago, okay? And you don't rush me. You know what? 30s one is. new 21. And man, am I drinking like it? I'm not. I'm actually not.

I'm not drinking nearly as much as I used to. But you know, you got to get the water in. But also, Mr. Husband, Holden McNeely, from Wizard and the Brewser. 100% from that podcast. Thank you so much for being here. We're doing these crossovers this week because we got another Harry Potter coming out. Yeah, we got another HP app coming down the pipe, which is also how I refer to when I take my shits. Coming down the page.

And it's very exciting, and I'm very excited to be here. It was what a wonderful day to travel to the studio. It is absolutely beautiful outside in New York for the first time and forever. I can't wait. I'm going to go on a nine-mile run later, and I can't wait. I've been thinking about L.A. a lot lately, Jackie, because the joy, like, there is, every spring, there is this, in New York, there is this collective realization that life doesn't have to be terrible. When spring happens, and everyone's like, oh, wow. my God, like I'm not miserable all the fucking time when I'm outside.

Yeah. Because you're outside so much in New York and so the winter, just everyone just like, oh, bundled and tense and dark. I'm a winter baby, though. I'm a little winter boy. Really? My husband, too. He loves winter darkness.

I love darkness. I love just, oh, oh, no, it's raining and it's Sunday, and I have to stay in the dark all day and play video games? No. Yeah, that's... But I wanted to go outside. No, no, I 100%. And there's something about the heat, the, just...

heat in New York. People forget, people like, oh, I'm from Florida. Oh, I'm from L.A. New York in the summer, I'll be completely fine. And then they get here, and it is so oppressive. It's trash heat, though. It's trash heat. Where's that's the difference? Way worse. Oh, yeah. Really? Way worse. Because there's like a filth to the heat. And there's

no air flow. There's no escape. I mean, in Florida, you have a car with an air conditioner, and then you go from that car with an air conditioner to the Mac store. Right. You know, and that's easy, breezy. And then you go home. Yeah, because everyone's always going to the Mac store. Yeah, everyone has a day without going to the Mac store.

If you don't go to the Mac Store. If you don't go get my apples massage. Yeah, I don't know what happens there. Yeah, blow your fucking stupid brains out if you're not at the Mac store at least four times. I'm not condoning fucking suicide right now, okay, but I'm just... Condoning the Mac store. I'm just... You know, I was, you know, singing about righteous suicide, but that's fine.

That's system of a down, you know? Sometimes you just gotta get it into your bones. Oh, yeah. Dude, you know what? I've been getting into my bones. bones. I am late. I'm late to the party, but I feel that I... Congratulations, you're pregnant? Yay! Oh, but also, wait a second. We haven't even brought up on the show yet.

Mrs. Mom, Molly Neffle. Congratulations. It's a thing we can talk about now? We're allowed to talk about it now. Fantastic. Did you know I secretly knew the whole time? I did. I think I told you. Oh, did you tell me? I think I told you and Ben and Henry and Marcus, and I think that Ben may have spilled the beans on the live stream. On the live stream, which I have no problem with. I love Ben. Such a bin move.

Would have no one else to spill the beans. And it was, coincidentally, it was the same night that me and Gideon made the announcement on our Facebooks and stuff anyway. Cool, cool. So it was actually not a spilling of the beans. But I saw people being like, did Ben just say that Molly is going to have two babies? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was funny because, like, we were making jokes about me being, like, so fat that I didn't realize I was pregnant, which is why it had come up.

We weren't talking about, like, you and your pregnancy whatsoever. And afterwards, I was like, when I found out that he had spilled it, because I was just talking and I wasn't really paying attention to what Kisle was saying. And I was like, Kisle, you can't say, you're not allowed to say, you have to, like, be given the go. And he's like, why not? It's a good thing. It's a happy thing. Those are what people talk about. I was like, you are such a dude that you do not understand the concept of why you have to wait before you tell everyone that you're pregnant.

I think it's great. I have no other person say it than Ben to be like, yeah, that's fantastic. But yeah, so now it's we, Gideon's been making, what's the gif he keeps using the Yoda, where Yoda says, no, there is another. That's the go-to gift. And also, obviously, you know, Friday was an IVF baby and this is a non-IVF pregnancy. So the Jeff Goldblum science, nature finds away. That's also a popular gift. Oh, that's a good one.

Very cool. Yeah. In this genre. So, yeah, thank you for your congrats. Thick with child. Thick with child. Yeah, and getting thicker by the day. Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah, girl. Can you still tie your shoes? Isn't that the thing? I can still tie my shoes, but they say that the second time around you, you're all loosey-goosey from the first. So you show faster, which has certainly been the case with me. And I have a couple of different jobs where I work at a couple of different schools, and I haven't told the kids at any of the schools.

And I'm just like, one of these days, I'm just going to be, like, extremely visibly pregnant and not having told them, and I don't know how to, I just got to tell them. But it's like, it's like a thing. You have to be like, I have an announcement. And I just am like so tired that I don't, like, I'll just, I just won't do it today. They're going to want to put their heads against it and stuff too, right? Little kids like to do that, right? Little kids, they like to, you know, but it's not just,

little kids, adult, the first time around, adults really like to touch you. Ew, I, no. Never touch another person, especially when they are with child. You don't touch another person. People ask now more. I think there's more aware in it. Like, people will be like, can I touch you? But they're so excited that I'm not going to say no.

They're so happy. And so I just kind of let it. I was surprisingly laissez-faire about it. I was like, you know what? Touch away. Hands on my stomach. No. I don't like.

I don't want. That's like my worst fear is someone just putting both their big, meaty hands on my stomach like that. Picture not the only that they're putting their hands on your stomach, but they're having, like, such an emotional reaction. Yeah. They're just putting their hands in your stomach, and they're, like, so happy. No.

However, you never touch. It makes people so happy, and I'm like, I guess if touching me is going to make you this happy, you know, and you ask, then go right ahead. But it was people go on their little journey. They touch your belly, and then they go on a little journey about life. And it's weird. I'm going to put like ketchup on it or something.

Holden, do you have this problem, though, with a beard? Because I talk with Jeff about this, and we've talked about this before, and because he's got a long, like, great beard, and people will just touch his beard without asking. And I think that's also a very, like, I can't even imagine just, especially touching another person's face, but without asking, they're just like, oh, this feels so good, it's so thick.

I can't imagine. somebody else's face. I know, like, black women talk a lot about how, like, people grab their hair. I'm like, what was it? I think Phoebe Robbins had, like, a whole thing, right? Her book or whatever. Yeah. I'm just like, who the fuck wants to put their hands in a stranger's hair, especially a New York

stranger? We were just talking about the heat in New York. That hair is sweaty and gross. It's so fast. Everybody's yucky. It's such a phenomenon, you know, that people talk about. And so I hadn't, you know, kind of known about that until I heard so many. black women speak about it, but I've never heard of people reaching out touching somebody's beard.

I've never ever also seen anyone touch a black woman's hair. I will say that as well. It confounds me. I, I, why ever would you want to, the grossest thing to touch, arguably, is hair, right? Yeah, it's a gross thing coming up and, like, grabbing someone from, like, underneath their armpits. I don't want to touch your pits. I barely want to touch my own pits. I would almost rather somebody grab my fucking dick, man. to put their hands in my hair. I can't really imagine reaching out and just touching your hair right now.

Like it's like an intimate gesture. And if there was a black woman in front of me, I don't care if it's fucking Beyonce or it's fucking whoever that people love that is a black woman, okay? But I'm not at all thinking about putting my hand. You're in a different class than a lot of people. In her hair, especially without asking,

but why even, I don't even understand what's so alluring about hair. I don't look at it's hair. I don't want to touch anyone's hair. I don't look at a black woman's hair and go like, whoa, it's so different. Right,

I think that's the problem. That just even thought doesn't even go through my head. I don't think how different the hair. I guess I've been around enough fucking black people to not be mystified by their head. The thing they all have. The thing they all have on their head. Yeah.

Why the fuck? It's not exotic. It's fucked up. Yeah, but how would you feel if someone was wearing janties? Oh. Have you guys heard about janties? Is that what you were saying you were laid to the party on it? Because don't get janties, Jackie.

I'm going to say it right here, page seven, editorial stance, no janties. But what about franties? Oh. Braddresser, dresser janties. If they were franties and then they had like a leopard print, for those of you guys that are not aware, the internet is a flame right now with the idea of denim underwear called janties for gene panties. They are $300 a pair. You're kidding.

And they look like what, like the never-nude pants in Arrested Development, except more high-cut and more up inside of your pussy. They're very high-wasted. They're high-cut, like a 90s bikini, but they're also high-wasted. And if it was me, you know, my pants kind of ride down because I like to wear them low and not high. I don't like high-wasted things. So if I was wearing these high-wasted janties and then regular jeans, I would be like sagging. Like it would be like sagging with instead of underwear showing

It would be more jeans Yeah and I feel like I'd rather Maybe that's the idea is you wear jeans on top And you wear like the like Christina Aguilera Low Cut hip hugger jeans So you're like jeans on jeans like the point is sagging Yeah that's the one The janties

Holden if you're not seeing janties yet Holder looking at the janties So it's just kind of like a new way to do short short jeans Like it's like another level Pass Daisy Dukes is this essentially? what this is. So you're not supposed to wear them, are you supposed to wear them as pants, or are you supposed to wear them as underwear? Because... I think you're

supposed to wear them as janties. I think they are just janties. If it ends in anties, it's something you're supposed to wear under your clothes, you know, not... Panties are not outerwear. That's absurd. Why would you... The last thing... One thing I would want to do less than touch a black person's hair would definitely be to put on gene underwear. The last thing I want

as underpants... is, jeez, that's the most uncomfortable fabric. You want a nice soft fabric. You got to breathe. No, I want my pussy lips to sweat more. I feel like that's what I've been missing. I've been missing actual drippies. Like, from my squirty burn.

And to rub against your vagina, the zipper. Yeah, you know what else I want is like a thick seam, like right in between my legs? Just rubbing on a hot and sweaty New York Day while a fucking bunch of strangers are rubbing my belly. I want to just be just. I want more, I want to be more uncomfortable for more portion of my day, you know? This is like the most, everything we've talked about in the past like 10 minutes is the most uncomfortable, awful experience viscerally. I'm so unhappy. He's like, people are touching my belly and my beard and I'm wearing janties.

My life is janties. And 2019 sucks. Covered in a black woman's hair. Just like, what is happening? Sometimes you just got to get touched, I guess. I'm assuming. Honestly, I don't know which I dislike more. Janties, I've got another thing to yell about

because I was at the mall the other day. Sure. Everyone loves the mall. I do. I actually do love the mall. I fucking hate the mall. Why? I shouldn't love the mall, but it's like a secret pleasure.

I'm like, I want to get pretzel, and I want to go to, I want to walk around the mall, and I want to get icy. 20 minutes into. any mall experience for me and I'm immediately the weirdest type of exhausted. I can't explain it. I just feel so fatigued. There's no airflow. It's the lighting. That's true. Airflow.

My mom, if it's like a rainy day, she exercised is in the mall. That's the thing in my hometown, too. Mall walking. Mall walking, but I couldn't fathom it. You know, that's horrible. See, I love the mall. I think it has something to do with being in New York for so long when you don't have access to big, big, huge, clean malls

of why I love it so much. That's like Walmart for me, and I know Walmart's evil, but like, that's Walmart for me. Yeah, Target, too. Now there's more targets around New York, but like... Just everything's here! Yeah, yeah. It's all here! It's like a target that you know what?

I'm not going to be spending money on? I was at the Macy's like you do, having a bit of a walkabouts, and I saw these shoes. They're like, jelly shoes, and it just said, smell me on top. And I was like, this has got to be some sort of, this is like a prank or something. and I guess they came out last year. Katie Perry has these jelly shoes out that are like the kind of shoes which I hate when it's like a flip-flop

but it just has the nub that you like put your strain on your toes to hold on rather than having a strap or on your foot. Oh, I hate these. Wait a minute. Oh, it's a little toe. Oh, it's a little toe grasp.

I mean, I hate that. And the nubs are fruits and depending on which fruit you have on your nub, the shoes smell like the fruits. Ew, ew! Stop! I would do this, except I don't want the toe grasp. I want it to be a regular flip-flop,

but I would definitely wear a jelly flip, because I like jellies. I got myself some jellies last year, and it was a fun little nostalgia trip. They look weird, is the problem. Do you want your shoes to smell like fruits? Yes, and then they're going to smell like foot fruits. I want one that's just like a big cigarette as the nub,

and your feet just smell like fucking old cigarettes. Here's the thing, though, like fruit markers. They don't smell like fruit. They smell like fruit markers. It's a specific good smell. Oh, yeah. And I'm not saying fruit. It's fucking get you high, baby.

Man, how many times my mom would come in and I would just have marker all over my nose because I was a huffing the markers so hard. And I'm not saying that fruit. feet is going to be as good a smell as fruit markers. It's not. But I am saying that a fruit smell is like almost always exciting to me and would absolutely take fruit-scented sandals. I just don't think, I thought for half a second because like I've been going on a big tirade against April Fool's week all week. I thought it wasn't April Fool's. And it's not

people just buy them. And I just don't, again, the shoes are not bad themselves. I just don't want my, I don't, I don't need that in my life. I need to know how pungent the smell is. Yeah. Can I smell it from my face? All the way from my foot-jointed. I mean, I got up in there. I was smelling those shoes. Because that's the thing. You're going to have to put your feet in people's faces and be like,

smell my shoes. Smell my toes. This is a kid. Okay. So now we are on the street on a hot summer New York Day. It's 100 degrees outside. We're forcing strangers to smell our toes while they're grasping our belly. Not intentionally touching other people's hair.

A black woman's hair. And I've got, what is the other? Oh, wearing. My janties. Were underwear under my khaki pants. And to help set the scene, flip flops. I love sandals. I love them so much.

Like, I hate having my thin and clothes. Sandals make me very happy. I'm the opposite of you. I'm the opposite of you. Really? 100%. I hate feet and I hate sandals. I don't like your stinky, stupid.

I don't like that nub. I've seen them. nub sandal before. I hate the nub sandal. Wear a good, breathable tennis shoe, all right? But in New York, it's hard to wear flip-lops in New York in the summer because if your feet will be jet black by the end of the day. Nothing makes me more angry than when I see a fucking asshole in New York City on a hot, rainy day wearing sandals.

Oh, not rainy. I've definitely worn sandals in New York, but that was the things that the second I was, the second I get home, I would wash my feet before I did anything else. Right. Because you absorb the smells and colors and scents and darts of the city. And if you will wear flip flops in New York or even not flip flop. Like when I first moved here, I was like a, I was, you know, 22 and I wore like the old Navy, the $5 flip flops in the old Navy that are like a quarter inch thick.

Right. And I very quickly realized this is like walking barefoot in New York. And so I got like ones with you got to get some with a thicker heel. but even then your heels are jet black, like jet black. And so you just can't, so imagine not only that you're wearing the fruity nub sandal, but also that your feet are covered in dirt from walking around New York City. I just feel like, you know, it's like how people, like you take a big fucking messy shit, right? And you spray some fruit spray, right?

Oh, yeah, you got your pooperies. When you smell that smell, it doesn't. smell like fruit. It smells like shitty fruit. Yes. So this fruit smell that you will now be associating, right? It's going to smell like stinky foot fruit. It's foot fruit. It's not going to cover

up the stinky foot smell. Okay. But doesn't your foot smell less if you wear a sandal because it's being aired out? It's a little more aerated. But does it though? I don't know. I don't know. What is it going to smell like foot fruit? Foot fruit, bro. I'm just talking, maybe in your perfect like, oh, because you live in Santa Monica.

or something. I don't know. Where's the fancy play? Bel Air. And you're the, you know, everything's air-conditioned. Everything's breezy, easy. Your feet are never getting sweaty, stinky. And you're fit. You have all the time in the fucking world. You don't have to work a fucking stupid day job. Are you shitting on my town? I feel like you're shitting on my new town. You know what? Hypothesis, maybe I am. Okay? Let's prove it wrong or right.

Okay. Ouch. But, you know, then maybe it's fine. But we are out on these streets, as Birdluger would put it. We are fucking in it in the filth and the grime, you know? Yeah. Fighting through, fighting fucking ninjas out there. Yeah, we're too busy for, for example.

This is your problem. Yeah, I mean, that talk about breathable. I mean, that is so disgusting. Yeah, I like to have my feet aired out, but I like to have my private parts completely in case. Totally in a hot locker, a heat locker, like a fucking animal. I just want your penis to be crying for release. Oh. Yeah, I could have.

I mean, these are janties just for the ladies? I believe so, although... I think it's two each there. How much junk can you fit into your trunk? You know what I mean? Right, right. I think the most disgusting thing I just had it in my head is a grown woman wearing janties

with those, like, cowboy boot sandals. Oh, God. Where it's just a flip-flop, but then the top is a cowboy boot? The top is a full boot. is the most just vile, horrible thing. Although think about you wearing those boots and you're wearing your janties

and your penis head is just sticking out of the seam of the janties. Hi, it's me. Hello, hi, doctor. Hi, doctor. I mean, everything, we might as well never release this. Everything we've talked about,

there's going to be people listening to this, just vomiting, having to stop their car on the way to work, to vomit on the side of the road listening to this. This is literally everything that is awful about the world right now. Near far,

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candid treatment time is an average of six months and will literally save you thousands compared to the other guys You're one. Step away from getting straighter, whiter teeth. Take advantage of Candid's risk-free starter kit guarantee. Plus, when you use my dedicated link, candidcoe.com slash page 7, you'll save 50% on your modeling kit. That's candidcoe.com slash page 7 to get 50% off the price of your modeling kit. Candidicot.com slash page 7. Which is part of the reason why I needed to start yelling about April Fool's Day.

Sure. Because all week, I really, as a yuck. For Pay, I hate April Fool's Day. I hate everything about it. I never want to be fooled. I feel like the second I, like, unless it's a great fun prank, outside of that, all you're going to do is either make me scream or make me burst into tears, you know? What is a great fun prank?

This is the question I have because, and I'm so glad this is, seems to be a little done, but nothing made me more furious as again, a comedian, a yuckster. for hire. Please hire me. Anybody out there listening to this, please hire me. I've never been hired. Don't seem desperate. Desperate, don't seem desperate.

I need, if someone would just hire me, please. You listening right now. Where was I going with this? I was going to say this. You've never seen. YouTube, back when they used to be like, oh, we went around pranking people. We went to the ghetto and fucking went up to people and was like, do you want to buy some guns? And then it was, oh, a water gun.

we put ourselves into, it's not even funny, it's fucking stupid as fuck, it's literally just like, but people watch it because it's like dangerous or whatever and you're just like, dude, and it's kind of run its course, but you literally watch people like get beat up and stuff actually for the fucking YouTube subs.

Pranks are rarely funny. This is a different, slightly different genre of prank, but like, remember for a while there was always be like feel good stories about like cops pulling people over around Thanksgiving and then like giving them a turkey? And I was like,

That's not funny at all. That's not cool, dude. That's really scary for people. It's very scary. But it's the same with, like, the pregnancy news. Like, I don't know if you guys saw that Justin Bieber and Haley Baldwin did multiple throughout April Fool's Day was just like, she's pregnant. Is she pregnant? Oh my God, she's pregnant.

The pregnant thing is done. It's done and it's not nice. Because then it is now, too, where it's like people came out saying like, hey, like I've had multiple miscarriages. It takes a lot for it. You know, with people that have gone through IVF, that people are just, like, looking at this. Just like, it's not funny to say, like, oops, prank. No, I hate fake pregnancy announcements. Yeah, because it took us a little while to get pregnant.

And, like, during that time, like, in a real pregnancy announcement, of course, you're, like, very happy for the person. But it has a different kind of, if you're trying to get pregnant and it's not working, then pregnancy announcements are kind of, like, have, like, a kind of emotional weight to them all of a sudden that it's, like, hard to navigate. And then on April Fool's Day, all these people are like, I'm pregnant. Ha, just kidding, I don't want to be pregnant.

It's like, oh my God, can you not? Can you pick like something else? And it's like, yeah, with pranks, it's like not even,

the problem with pranks is that there's not even like a joke structure behind it. It's just like. It's just, I'm going to lie about a dumb thing. I lied.

I lied. And then Stike, I'm so funny because I lied about a thing. It's like the easiest. Do you guys want to hear about another April Fool's prank that I don't think it's funny

but I find kind of interesting? Yes, and. Yes. It is a, I was just reading about it this morning. It was Kim Kardashian's kids, right? And she's openly, like, she's come out saying, you know, she hopes that the kids will someday get along.

They're still growing up. So there's, you know, there's North and St. who are close together in age. And I guess the kids wanted to pull a prank on Kanye. So what they did was they, like, so St. essentially, or I'm sorry, North told Kim Kardashian. and she said that she roped her into an April Fool's prank. She took ketchup into my bathroom,

and she begged me to let her spread it on me and on the bathroom as if it was like a bad, scary movie. Then she asked me to lie down. I thought she was just playing, maybe that she was just going to say I was hurt, which also rough. That's the scary thing. She taught Saint had a fake cry.

She, like, showed him how to do it, and then she told him to scream, Mommy's dead. and then Kanye ran upstairs and he was like, kids, this is not funny, this is not a good prank. But I actually, what I love though too is Kim Kardashian was like, you know what?

Honestly, I was a little impressed. That is the first break I've enjoyed hearing about in a long time. And it's true. Like, I think that that ultimately is not a very good prank. But I could have, like, I've got a proud of those kids. I think that's pretty creative, you know.

I thought they really got outside the box. I was like for young children. How old are they? Yeah. They're like seven and four? Five, I believe, yeah. Which is, that's, that's quite, but I guess what scares me is like, what if somebody put this idea into their head for them to do it? And it's like, also, that's scary on top of it.

Like, if someone that they work for, it's like, you know what you got to do, right? Yeah, take mommy. Yeah, no. Covering some chup. Yeah, get her all chipped up. See how she going to scream. You know what I mean? That's just a weird groundskeeper.

character. Some guy that, like, lives in the shed out back. For some reason, it's this beautiful giant mansion, but he just lives in this, like, wooden shack. And it's, like, half burnt down. But I like it because I think Kanye, at least in public, is, like, so serious, like, so extremely serious that the idea of prank in Kanye is kind of fun.

Like, I feel like a fun, you asked before what a fun prank is. Like, I feel like it can be done. Like, not the gross ones. Like, people really love the one where you cover the toilet, toilet and saran wrap and I'm like... That has happened to me once. What? Why would they do that?

I swear. I thought I was going to break the entire house. Who did that to you, Henry? No, no, no, no. This was... It was an old roommate of mine in New York and she thought it would be really funny because she was hammered when she did it. And then the next...

When you were... It's like, especially going through a time in your life when you're drunk most minutes of the day. And if you go to use the bathroom at 3 o'clock in the morning, and all of a sudden there's piss everywhere. Right. And so you're kind of half drunk, and I can see, honestly,

if it was to someone else, I could see how it would be funny. But at the end of it, you have to clean up a bunch of somebody else's dookie and their peepees because it got all over the bathroom. I mean, and could you imagine if it was some sort of an explosive post-chipot-lay scenario? That's what I'm thinking. What if somebody shits in the saran wrap instead of peas? But even if peeing, you're going to, if it's, you're going to, if somebody's with a penis is peeing is going to splash up at you.

If somebody's sitting down to pee, you're going to, it's going to, it's catastrophe either way. Like, so that one I don't understand. I feel like there's, I feel like a fun prank is like, oh, it's, it's salt instead of sugar. Right. You know, like something, like, but even that is, okay, so it's either too much or it's too lame. Yeah, right.

I mean, I will say there are like fabulous, uh, jackass pranks, but only to see people getting paid to do it. in a professional setting and have the money to do it properly too. I feel like it's like if you're going to put a bunch of money I will say I've done one good prank and it was when I used to work at a coffee shop and I was taking Swedish fish

and putting it at the bottom of people's coffee that I worked with and just and I would be like oh do you want more coffee and I would grab them coffee and I kept putting hot coffee onto the Swedish risk so all day everyone was like why does the coffee taste weird today and it was just because it had melting Swedish fish in the bottom but I wouldn't let them get to the bottom of the cups

so they didn't know until the end of the day. That was kind of funny. That's a fun. So it's not the worst. Yeah, that's right. The stakes are really low. Even the salt sugar thing, it's like, well, now my food's ruined.

Right, I would still get irrationally fucking angry or even worse, the top of the salt. I think, you know what I think is kind of fun. That drives me, that, it's, oh, it fills me with rage. Yeah, it's a waste of salt. Okay, I'm sorry to scream at you, Molly. No, you're right. A fucking waste of salt.

I've never done it. Don't talk to me, but don't point your figure out. I'm not going to accuse you, but I feel like maybe you did it once or twice. What I really wanted to do when I was a little kid and never actually did, and now it's like a trend is like desserts that look like real food. Like it looks like a pizza, but it's actually a cake. I always thought that would be fun. And now what I'm saying it now is not really not. fun. I think it's cute

though. I think I'm fine. It's like the sushi ones where it's like it looks like it's fish but it's not. It's good marshmallows in it. Yeah. The baby cake is kind of like that that creepy baby cake that looks just like a baby but it's a cake. What? Look it up online. It's to stir

a thing. It's just, wait, is that the one where it looks like it's coming out of the lips? Oh no. Have you seen those where it's like a cabbage patch and it's like spread and it's got like a bunch of hair and it's of like the lips around it, like it's being birthed. Is that what you're talking?

Why are we always coming back to these horribly disturbing, like, things? This is one thing I will say, by the way. I learned my lesson, like, in college about pranks. Okay? It was our buddy John. He called me, and it's one of those things where you, it comes out of your mouth, and then you realize, like, how fucking horrible what you just said is and how, like, not funny it is.

I was like, oh, I'm going to, like, fuck with John. He calls, he's just like, all right, man, how's it going? Man? I'm like, not good, man. Palin passed away. Our friend. And I, I don't know. I thought I was just, I was like, given.

It's a horrible break. I know. And he was just like, how? When? And in my head, I'm like, oh, fuck. I completely fucked up. And then you're like, now I immediately do that. Just fucking with you.

Yep. And I am the biggest. And he's just like, furious with me as he should have been. Are you still friends? Yes, we are. It is our friend John, who I do the joke. No, because that's the thing too, where it's like, especially when you have a bunch of friends that are commines, I'm glad that we don't usually prank each other, because it's like the day when I got the call from Henry about Barnett, and I was like, you're, like, of course you're joking. Like, that's, this is a joke, but also, we don't joke like that.

Right. Right. I hate, oh, yeah, I, hearing about, like, comics going on tour together and, like, constantly fucking with each other. Or, um, I know that actually, um, uh, who was it, Mankind, um, Mick Foley used to prank Diamond Dallas Page a lot touring around. in the wrestling circuit. And, like, in horrible ways. Like, one time he put a bunch of sand in his hotel room bed. And he, like, got into bed.

He was exhausted after, like, a long fucking day. Apparently he started, like, crying. And there's, like, a whole... It was so, like, devastating. Oh, no. Well, there's, like, a whole genre of YouTube fucking videos that sounds like hell, like actual hell, that is parents pranking their...

kids, which is just like parents lying to their... Awful. One went viral this week of like parents like lying, like funny April fools telling their child that they had given their dog away. Jesus. And put it on YouTube. And the dog, the child was like devastated.

And they were like, ha, ha, ha. The dog is here. The people you were supposed to put all of your faith in and trust into now are not to be trusted, completely could fuck with you at any moment's notice. Laughing in your face about something. that is an extreme emotional vulnerability. Like, yeah, people, I don't even like the Jimmy Kimmel stuff, like people tell their,

I was better bring that up. I did like it at one point, but I get why people, like, it's low stakes, like, oh, and, you know, I get, I get why people like it. I don't think it's terrible, like, to, like, to say, oh, I ate all your Halloween candy, but, like, and I think that the idea behind it is like, oh, the kids, if they're spoiled, they react some kind of way, but I'm just like, you know what, kids, Halloween's really fucking exciting, and kids are super psyched about their Halloween candy. And if you tell them that you ate it all,

they're going to be pissed and I don't blame them. And then they also don't trust you whenever you have things to say. So on April Fool's Day, it also came out that they were talking about Fuller House. And of course, like, Fuller House has been brought on for one last season. And we know that Lori Laughlin's not going to be involved

because of the college scandal. Yes. Yikes. But then on April Fool's Day, there was a video release of John Stamos freaking out because Netflix came out and said that actually we're canceling the fifth season, which was an April Fool's joke. And as part of the April Fool's joke, John Stamos took a video, although this was funny for him,

of him having a complete mental breakdown in the lobby of the Netflix building about how he's, I'm John fucking Stamos. You can't ruin me. I'm a corporation. It was like screaming. And then everyone ripped John Stamos apart for being this entitled piece of shit. And then he's like, oh, no, no, no, no, it was just a joke. But that's a weird.

I felt like it was more, it wasn't John Stamos and I was like, that's weird because, you know, we all know that he's like, he is another yuckster for pay as well as being really sexy and a hachi-machi to me. But I just feel like it was weird for Netflix to do that when they're amidst all this scandal already. And also the showrunner has been taken off because of things that we're not going to get into. So it's like, so there's already all this shit going on. Right.

Why are you making a prank about this show? There's so many other shows you can make pranks about. Yeah. Yeah. And I also think that sometimes you can walk through a door that you can't unwalk through. Like if somebody responds to a prank, like a huge asshole, and then you're like, oh, it's a prank. Now the cat's out of the back that you can be like a total monster, you know? Like, and then that.

And it's like, oh, I was joking. But a lot of damage has been done of like, oh, you're actually a dick. Once that anger, or sometimes you can just get really angry about something that you think is, you know, because that's the reaction they're trying to get from you. Right. But once that emotion is out there, it's really hard to, like, come back from that state. Exactly. Right. Easily just by, oh, it's a prank. Oh, ha ha.

And then you're like, you're, you're still frazzled. I'm sorry I got so angry. Yeah. Right. But I kind of want to make up my own April Fool's Day. Like, I want to make my own holiday about April Fool's where it's just like call it like, like whoopsie do day and just do something like I was like I feel like we should redefine April Fool's Day. You know what I like?

What? April Reels Day. Everybody gets, what would April Reels Day? Everybody tells it like it motherfucking is all day. It is just hard truth. That one thing that you wanted to say to that co-worker, like when you

fucking sip the coffee, you make this annoying fucking noise, right? Fuck off. But where do you draw the You mean like one of these? Yum, num, num, num, yum. Exactly. Now you like me. What's hard about that is I feel like if I get told the way you sip your coffee

drives me nuts, then I'm, my fundamental, you know, self isn't going to be totally shattered. But if somebody says, like, I've always resented you, you know, then that's going to, it's hard to come back. No one's safe. No one's safe on April Reels Day. Everyone gets one reel with everyone else. And there's no boundary for how real you can get. And there's, I think you can get pretty fucking real. But you know what?

Sit will come to light. Therapy will be gone to after. And we'll mend. And we'll mend April Reels Day. I want it. Are you trying to say this, though? Essentially, it's going to be like a mental purge. Yes.

Where everyone's just allowed to be, like, how ruthless they actually would like to be. It does sound like the purge. We'll do, we'll do 419 as April Reels Day. And then we can all forget about enough 14. And then we can all just forget and forgive and just let love be love. Or you get high on 420 and you can't stop obsessing about the fact that your friend just told you that she's always resenting it. Oh my God, that my breasts are a little too far apart. Because if someone tells me I've got a guano tits, it's like then how do I, how do I recover from that?

And you know what though? But I think a guana tits maybe it's up there, but it's not too crazy. I think you're like you can get as real as you want, but you're kind of a piece of shit if you're going to get, like, say something really real. like, I hate your wife or something like that. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm afraid of. You can get that real, but you're also that asshole who got a little too real on April Real's Day.

So people have to learn etiquette. The whole problem with April Fool's Day is that nobody has etiquette. You're putting a lot of judgment and you're putting a lot of, you know, I have a lot of faith in people, but I don't know if I have enough faith in people for a new holiday where the whole thing is exercising enough judgment to be honest with people but not so honest that you tell them you hate your wife. I have a fix. I have a fix.

Yeah, we need more rules. I have a fix. Everyone gets one card and it says too real on it. And if someone gets too real on April Real's Day, they get handed the card and they can't talk for the rest of the day. Ooh, I like it. They get to put into mouth jail. A vow of silence.

That's not enough of a punishment. If you've been wanting to tell your best friend how much you hate his wife for, you know, 15 years, you're going to be like, oh, I can't talk for four hours after I'll tell him at 8 o'clock, you know. So you can't even explain. yourself, I actually like the two real card. Okay. It's a reward. The two real card is

in the shape of a plastic hand. It is a plastic hand. You slap them. It's like a talk to the... Oh, you slap them with the two real card. You just got too real. And then hand it to them and they have to not talk for the rest of the day. How about... You can't, by the way, you can't April real somebody

over the phone. You have to do it. Oh, it has to be in person. You have to show up at their house. There's no... Internet April Reels Day. It is all... It's not on the... No internet allowed. Face to face, you have to look deep into their eyes and say what you want to say. Are people going to get arrested if they post about it online? Because people are going to do it online.

Yeah, that's the thing. People need to be publicly shamed. Yeah, or maybe, yeah, like a spanking. Yeah. You can't get real. No April Reels does not exist on social media. So I have a variation with a card idea inspired me. To limit it, to make it so that it doesn't get too real. Everybody gets a card And the card gives them a category About something to be real about

And it's all fun stuff So for example Like food And then you could be like I fucking hate the way you gulp when you drink water Right you know Like and then another category But then this is what I would say

You know I hate two things The way you eat pizza and your wife You don't even They'll figure out a way to like parlay it right I hate the way you eat pizza as much as I hate your wife. I hate that you always take the last slice of pizza without asking it also I've never fucking liked your wife. Never like Sarah. Sarah fucking sucks. People need to hear that shit though.

I hate the way you eat pizza because it usually means I have to hang out with your fucking wife. Taco Tuesday sucks because of your wife. Oh, man. I love that we finally found it. Like, I feel like we've been working. We always work our way towards this moment. And we all just start laughing and, like, at a concept, we pulled out of our ass. I really like April Reels Day.

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The way you treat customer service. I feel like you could also get into like specifics about things where it's just like you have to like be real about someone's hands. It's like I don't like the way you. It's like I don't like your hands. Like with me, I know that my hands look like little raccoon hands. And I imagine that someone would be scared of me grappling upon them with my hands. But it would be hard because like let's say you got a card that said like voice. So you have to think rather than doing agreements,

I always had with somebody, it prompts you to think of a grievance you might not have even been thinking about and be like, whose voice do I fucking hate? Whose voice do you hate, Molly? I don't, I have to think about it. Right, I, um... Because I have a weird voice, and so I have a fondness for people with weird voices. I also like people with weird voices. Yeah, like, that's why I love Miley Cyrus's voice.

Oh, my God. My, by the way, also, O.G. Miley is coming back on the scene, and I'm fucking here for it. Yeah. She's, like, bubble gum smacking, and is, uh... might be bringing back Hannah Montana at least that's the word on the street as like a punk rock or older woman. Cool.

You know whose voice I don't like? And it's mean of me. It's petty. But I don't, there's a food network personality name Katie Lee. Okay, what don't you like about her voice? She's on the kitchen.

And she just talks like she like, she talks like she's trying to sound like a simple person. I don't think she is simple, but she's performing like, like a down, like on this fucking show, which I love so much. It's my hate watch. But she's always talking about, you can get this at the grocery store.

And I'm like, you don't shop for your own grocery. Stop pretending you shop for your own grocery. It makes me so mad when people on the Food Network are like, well, you can get the chicken thighs are always on sale. And it's like, no, none of you do this. You all don't shop for yourself. So stop telling me what it's like to shop the grocery store like a normal person because you don't do that.

But Katie Lee just has a, she, The affect of her voice is like, I'm just gonna tell you like I'm a real person just like you are. Like a down home girl. She was married to Billy Joel for six years. She was, yeah. It's not as Southern as I'm doing it.

She just was like, oh, you can make this pasta on a weeknight. And I'm like, what do weeknights mean to you, you bitch? You're like a TV star. Like, it pisses me off. And those... Just fake down-home types.

Yeah, fake genuine, fake real. But that's why I love the pioneer woman, because the pioneer woman actually does live on a ranch and is like the head of this insane huge ranch household, which is why I trust everything she says. I also trust her realness because she is like the least charismatic person on television. She's so boring. How dare you?

She's so boring. She's like, oh, this casserole, it's a little hot. Like, she makes jokes that don't make it. Like, there's no, she's so playing. It's like hanging out with like. Your mom's nice, boring friends. Speaking of Plain Jains, my gripe, even though I don't mind the sound

of their voice, I do kind of hate how, like, everybody who does, like, hip, NPR, like, This American Live, reply all is a podcast I really love. They all sound the same. I know exactly what you mean. It's this nasally tech geek voice. And it's not just their voices, it's their mannerism.

They say things like, yes. They say, like, sort of before any idea. And I was about to say, because I listened to video games, podcast. I don't want to blow up their spot. I do it too when I do it on Wizard and the Bruiser, I hear Jake do it and now I can't unhear it.

But yeah, it's sort of, um, it's kind of a, it's sort of a RPG. It is an RPG. It's not sort of kind of an RPG. It's a fucking RPG. Just say it's an RPG. That's totally an NPR aesthetic. I know exactly what you mean. It's that tech. Well, also and the whole ending things like

this, talking like it's everything's a question, which is the tech, cool podcast kid, everything is sort of kind of ends like this. Oh, interesting, because that particular vocal thing is also used against women, like, in a way that I don't, like... You kind of just did it. Yeah, women?

But because it's something that you're not even aware of until you're aware of. And because it's often used to against women, I find myself defending it. Like, it's called uptalk when people talk about it with women. I see, I hear tons. And they'll be like, it makes women sound like idiots. And I'm like, I think maybe you just don't like listening to women. You know what? It's interesting that you're saying that nerd, like, it's a tech boy thing.

Because I've never heard that. I don't, I don't think it's a, uh, it's because they sound like idiots. It makes them sound unconfident. Uh-huh, yeah. And, and performatively so. Yes. That's part of their, it's like, and they're trying to make them so approachable. Yes, and they're trying to kind of sound like this because they're sort of trying to

kind of get you to ease into what they have to say to you. And you're so scared that they won't like maybe what you have to, your opinion on this video game. Yeah. Maybe it's sort of kind of my opinion. Yeah. It's bullshit horseshit. Well, and that's why, I mean, I feel like that is something that I think that we all do on this show where it's like confident opinions about things that we love. Yes.

I like sexy daddies. I like talking about my dumb trash shows, which I do want to bring up real fast the fact that I started watching the CW reboot of Dynasty. And also, you must watch this trash show. It is complete trash It is so sexy It is just sexy rich people Fucking over other sexy Sexy rich people

Did either of you watch original dynasty? I never did but I know it was like a phenomenon Right But I never did it like like Like a soap opera that it went on forever Or was it like? Yes Okay

Yeah it was one Because I just remember it was the kind of thing That like my mom would watch it in passing And I never actually sat and watched it And yesterday I was just having I was having a bad brain day Like you have sometimes I just wanted to shut off.

So I started, I was like, I've been meaning to watch this anyway. And it is exactly, if you want to show that you just have to shut off your brain. And even in the first episode, so much happens. It is just a sexier version. Honestly, and this is saying something, of Riverdale, but not in like the weird extreme, more of just like everyone's trying to get everybody else and everybody looks fabulous while they're doing it. All right. This is a good sell, Jackie.

this does sound kind of nice. Dude, because it's like you're just following this family and even the dad is sexy in it and he just remarries someone with a secret pass and no one knows why. But obviously she's trying to infiltrate the family and then the two other kids are trying to become the CEO of the company and in the first episode he marries this young hot girl,

she becomes a CEO of the company and then this guy that she was stupin at the inside of the company who also had a wife who had gotten into a car accident and her brain don't work right no more. She was stooping this guy. And in the beginning of the episode, the CEO kills off the guy that she was stuping.

All this stuff happens. And everybody's fucking everybody. And I just, I'm just, I'm sorry, I'll stop talking about it. Jackie, you got to watch once it's summer. It's not summer yet. But once it's summer, you've got to watch revenge. We've talked about it on, I've talked about it on the show before. It's the beach, sexy beach revenge show.

Oh, it is. so it's exactly, if you like, everything you just described, set it on the beach, and it is the fucking perfect show. And it's the perfect summer show. Watch revenge, man. Set your calendar for like June 1st and watch revenge. Okay. And I do have one other thing that I feel like we can scream about.

This is a gripe episode. We've got things to say. I know, I just screamed it's fucking horseshit bullshit about the way people talk in tech. I'm like, that was a bit aggressive. I feel a little aggressive. It's the confidence of making choices. We're having an aggressive episode today. April.

We're going to scream about. April Reels. Yeah. It's April Reels. This is our, it's our precursor to actual April Reels. We gotta start making the, the, what is it? What are the cards? The slap cards.

The problem is it can't be like normal. It can't even be thick card stock. It has to be plastic to get a good smack. It's a weapon is what you're saying. I wish it could be one of the things. the jelly, sticky hands. Yes, that's fun. That's what I want.

Exactly. It has to be a weapon that's not like too real. It can't be, it has to like, it's got to wake you fucking up to your bullshit. Yeah, it's fake hands April Reels. But it can't, like, send you to the hospital. You know what I mean? You're asking a lot of people on this holiday. You know what?

Because I respect people to fucking nut up and step up. Just slap each other just hard enough. Just hard enough. But now, Holden you know on this show that I like to yell about Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle guru bullshit. That deserves a fucking too real card. Too real. Dude, there's another, there's now a new lifestyle guru in town by the name of Courtney

Kardashian, not that she is new, but her lifestyle network is. And it's called Push. So now we got Goop and now we got Pooh. Goop and Push. And Push is her personal approach to clean beauty. And she's doing a whole lifetime, not lifetime, a lifestyle debut of it about just like, she's like, you know how you do it all and have it all? Take everything just at, take one task at a time.

As a mother, I know it's important to really make sure that you really just give all of your attention to each part of your day. What the fuck are you talking about, girl? You are a billionaire that doesn't. You can't. So why would someone follow your idea of how to leave a clean, healthy, perfect, beautiful life when you have so much money and so much help to do all of these things? Why would I ever read any of this stuff? Yeah, I really cannot.

I've gotten to a point of my life where I cannot fucking stand people being like, just take a few minutes a day for yourself. Right. And it's like, well, if no one else is watching my baby, I cannot take five minutes. minutes to like pamper my hair. Like because literally no one else is watching the baby if that is like, so, you know, so I, and I, you know, and I love the queer eye guys and I feel like one thing that they're very good at doing is like setting very

realistic expectations for people, beauty routines, like do this, it takes one minute, you do it right after you get out the shower, you know, like put, just start putting moisturized around. Put some little bit of avocado on this toast. Oh, man. I'm sorry, can I just please say, I know, like Henry and I were also yelling a little bit about, he

was more yelling about queer eye. I really can't stand Anthony. I'm sorry. No, Anthony is a beautiful man. He's very attractive. I know. He's the most beautiful one, but he's useless. Useless.

He's kind of trying. It's the way that it's... It's got to be so hard to teach someone to fucking cook. I know. But it's like in the barbecue episode when he's with like the Jones sisters and they were so amazing. He's like, as a restaurant tour myself. These women have been busting their asses.

Keeping this business life. How? You can't. Sorry, Anthony. You have nothing to teach these women. You have nothing. And the thing about Anthony, yes, it is a hard thing to teach somebody how to cook. But what I want him to do, and what he could do is he teaches everyone.

April's Day, get it out. Get it out. Get it out. He teaches everybody one recipe. What the fuck is that going to help you? Oh, now I can make ramen. That's it. Teach people the basics, Anthony.

Here's how you chop an onion. Yes. I didn't know how to cook. I was so embarrassed. I went to a friend's house and she was like, can you chop this bell pepper? And I didn't know literally how to do it. I learned from working at a Greek food restaurant in college.

I knew nothing until then. If people aren't chopping fresh vegetables all the time, they don't know how to do it. And so they may know how to make ramen fucking great. Like a fancy-ass ramen, whatever. No, teach them like five things that they can apply to a lot of different recipes. And give them like a simple recipe book. Yes.

That they can use. and actually go to the grocery store with them because that is the other one that he could help out with. Because I mean, I still have issues with that. Yes, and how to meal plan? Like, how to, like, be like, okay, look, you know, right, if you make a big thing of rice on Sunday and then here's another thing you can do,

make fried rice on Tuesday and do and make burritos on Thursday. I need that. I need that person. You know, like basic things. It's meal planning. Yes, meal planning and like with a couple of, like, this fucking poor dad. is like widowed watching two young children. Oh my God, I cried so hard.

Yes, but Anthony's like, here's how to make one squash dish. And I'm like, those kids aren't going to eat that. And like, now you can make one squash dish. No, man, dude, teach the guy a couple of... April fucking real. I love my April Reels Molly, by the way. April's Molly is fucking real as fuck right now. And listen, I would fuck the man.

I would marry him. He's so beautiful, but he's just useless in his brain. Useless. And he doesn't want to plug me anyway, so it's fine. Yeah, too real. Yeah, but also I think it makes sense that, you know, Push exists because you have to have the recipe for her signature salad, which is hard-boiled eggs, avocado, tomatoes, and mozzarella.

But she doesn't put the mozzarella on it because she's dairy-free. That's not a signature salad. What are you fucking talking? Like, that's... You just put shit in a dish. That's not a recipe. What are you fucking? talking about Courtney Kardashian.

And you have a team of people. She's not even coming up with that probably, too. Yeah, and that's, yeah, people, people, oh, people are all about avocados. Also, she knows how to work hard because she was her billionaire mother's assistant one time. So everyone, she knows how to work hard for what she's got. It's tough. You know, the life coach kind of thing, like, I feel like, because I feel like sometimes

I'll dole out advice, like, on my Twitch streams. But I also feel like I'm a person who, even though I have had. a lot of things going for me from the get-go did have to put myself in a very difficult situation, be very broke, and kind of, and I just said kind of, and pull myself out of it, you know, really in a big struggle, right?

So I do feel like I have some things to say about, like, sticking to your guns, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? And even I feel less qualified. Yeah, and also starting a career when you have had nothing. Like, like, working very hard to create your own career. Right. And so I do think I can say a few things, and even I feel unqualified. For you to be a person who's just had the silver spoon all your life and you're just trying to like,

I guess it's more like it feels like she's trying to talk to people who are struggling in their lives. Right. And that's where it's annoying because it's like you don't know struggle, woman person. And it's so condescending to be like, eat a superfood of avocado and hard-boiled eggs. And then you won't. It's so efficient. and I know what it's like. This is the thing with Katie Lee.

I know what it's like to not worry about what it's going to happen at the grocery store. No, you don't. I just don't believe you. Or maybe you did at one point in your life, fine. But also, it's like I imagine Molly that you have to deal with this kind of stuff a lot. And it's like, I mean, you are pregnant and you have a young baby. And it's just like, but don't you just have the time to sit and make a good sound? It's like, you don't.

You don't. You're constantly going. You have multiple jobs. You have so many other things to do. besides sit and do that, and sometimes it's just not possible. Yeah, everybody just wants to get into the lifestyle coaching business when they have nothing else to offer

anything to anyone, so they get into that. Well, and I also just think that so much career, like, you know, I hustled for a long time, but I also am like 98% of the shit that's ever happened to me that's good is because of luck. Yeah. I mean, yes, I worked hard and all that. But, like, we have no control over our career trajectories.

Like, you tons of people work hard and never have it pay off, you know? And so I think that it's true. A lot of people work really hard, and then they do learn a lot from those experiences. All that's true. But, like, a lot of people work really hard and who knows what happens, right?

And they get pissed on and shit on. Yeah, exactly. And so that way, when Lady Gaga... And they have an homeless man, throws a cup of cum on them. When Lady Gaga won her Oscar, and she was like, I just want to say how hard I work. Right. You're like, what the fuck for you.

And I believe... She works very... I believe it. She's talented and she works hard. But you know what? But you've been a flaming success since your early 20s. Well, and how scary to think that there's probably people who are as talented as Lady Gaga and work as hard as her and have not had her success? You know, and so I just...

And it's like, knock on the door, oh, who's there? You have AIDS. Right? Whoa. Oh, yeah. Right. Philadelphia style. Yeah.

That's a Philadelphia freedom right there. Did they knock on the door at that? That's in April Reels right there. That's in April. Oh, yeah, April Reels. You have a disease. You have a disease. This is a good ramp up, though.

to our list today, guys. Who's on the list? Say it to me. Got to have that list. It's 20 of the best celebrity pranks ever, and a lot of them are very annoying. Although, I will say the number one prank on here is when Adele dressed up as an Adel impersonator to go against other people that were like trying to vie for a position as an Adele impersonator.

That's really good. I did really like this one because she just also was like helping them out with their singing as well and everyone kind of flipped out afterwards that we were just singing with Adet. The question is if the root of the prank is kind-hearted or if it's mean-spirited. And Adele is like, I love it when they like invite people to come in and like do video testimonials about their heroes. Adele did this too and everyone's like on Jimmy Fallon or something being like, I love Adele. She's my hero, this is why. And then she like comes out from behind the curtain.

What do you guys? I'll start crying. This is probably on the list, but what do you guys think about when Ellen has, like, the monsters jump out of the coffee table? I mean, I think it's pretty funny. It's pretty funny.

I think that is pretty funny, and it really just, it's not like, because it's not like the days of yore on, like, Mory when it's like, I'm terrified of cotton, and then, like, the Jew covered in cotton comes out. That's a true fear, you know?

I'm sorry, I'm laughing. Are the. Big chicken, the man in the chicken costume. That's bad. That's mean, though. That's bad. Because those are more, because again, those are, if it's based in, like, a fear that someone has, that's too filled with malice.

But it's like, but then there are the times when, like, Adam Levine, one of the things of the list, Adam Levine sent his sexiest man alive cover to Blake Shelton's house because they're on the voice together and they already have like a public quote unquote feud at each other. That's funny. That's fine. And that's, you know, and that's fun.

Because technically, I guess a lot of these aren't really, it's like one of them is George Clooney told Sandra Bullock at a fancy party that everyone was jumping into the pool with all their dresses on. She's like, okay, and she goes and she jumps into the pool and no one else did it. Oh, that's fun.

I like that. That's mean, though. It is kind of. That's fucking mean. I will say this too. I remember I was listening to Howard Stern. He was talking about it. He was like, yeah, Clooney always invites me out to his like Italian mansion home in Italy and the Riviera or whatever it is.

But I refuse to go because I just, I hate fucking pranks. And that's what Clooney is known for. Really? Yeah. Pranks all the time on movie sets. If you're a guest, like. And Stern's just like, I refuse to go. I bet it's a wonderful time.

But I can't. I hate fucking pranks. and this dude always wants to do that, so I just stay away. Yeah, I guess the problem with that prank is that's a little embarrassing. Yeah, that's the problem. You're all wet and deceived.

I think that's really mean. It depends on the person. And she actually said her dress was made of such thin lace and it started to fall apart when she got out of the pool. That's rough. It depends on the person. He probably destroyed like $8,000 just in that single prank. But with the dress, like, I feel like if somebody knew me really well

and knew me that I wouldn't be upset if I jumped into the pool, How do you know, though? You never know what the day they're having. That's true. You know what I mean? They could have gotten the AIDS knock on the door fucking five minutes ago. April Rails Day,

April Reels. That's true. That's true. Although this one I do find kind of fun is when Jimmy Kimmel, his wife, set it up so that while he was sleeping, Britney Spears came in

and started performing her new single at the time, Make me in his bedroom while he was sleeping with a bunch of like half nude men backup dancers, and they had set up a bunch of lights in the room that, like, came out when they started the song. And that, that heartens back to, like, the Tom Green show when they used to do that to his

parents, which that shit used to, like, kill me when I was a teenager. That's the thing. I think pranks are aged poorly. I think they're really much funnier to you when you're super young. I mean, especially for us, we grew up around Tom Green, Jackass. It was like, Bargera. Yeah, it was all the reason. for the season, you know, back in the day.

But looking back in it now, I'm like, those poor parents. Yeah, I feel bad for Bam's parents, even though I thought that shit was so funny at the time. Yeah, totally. But then this one, also, it's another one because you're right. It's the place in the time. So, Leonardo DiCaprio pretended he was a paparazzi when Jonah Hill was walking down the street. So, like, ran up to him and sort of, like, following him, got in his face. Jonah Hill almost just, like, fucking punched him right in the face.

Because you can't attack somebody on the street. People love to fuck with him, and he's like the quintessential reacts very poorly to that stuff. And I don't know why people keep wanting to do it because he's like very unprankable. Like he's a, because he, I think is kind of an, like, I don't know. The word industry is like he's maybe not the funest, friendliest man to be around. To be fair, I feel like those are the people who you want to prank the most. Right, right. That's the thing.

The permacony, too self-serious. Yeah. Yeah, I feel like a lot of these are. are mostly just, um, they're just upsetting. Yeah. I guess, you know what, honestly, until this week, I've never really thought about April Fool's Day before and I really, I, I'm just, but people always think that as comedians that we enjoy being pranked and it's like, it's the last thing.

No, I don't think any comedians enjoy being prank. I mean, actually, I'm sure that's not true, but no. Unless again, like, it's like, if it's a jump out scary, if I was on Ellen and you, like, It's something I'm sure that you kind of prepare for, and I feel like it's one of those things that they must ask beforehand to make sure they're okay with it. Those reactions are really good. Like, you know what I love, surprise parties. Like, love them. See, like, a terrified surprise person is like, that does it for me.

I just feel like, I don't, as a, I don't think, I don't know that I've ever actually been given a surprise party, and I'm thankful for that. because I'm the type of dude who, like, is either in party mode or, like, not in party mode. Or not in party mode. And to have to go from, oh, we were having a nice quiet night out for my birthday, which I really want, because I just wanted a little quiet time with my wife. Oh, my God, you have a wife. And then you get inside, and everyone's there, and you're like, oh, I have to, like, be party person now? Yes.

Yeah, dude. I don't want to be part. I thought it was about smoke a J-bone and fucking watch, you know, love sex and robots, which is very fun. Dude, so good. I've been enjoying it. But yeah, you know, and now I have to, like, talk to Randy. I don't want to talk to Randy. But that's also an age thing.

If you had had a surprise party thrown for you when you were, like, 23, it's a little bit easier to get and be like, all right, I'm going to get drunk now. But now, yeah, it's like if you have to party and you don't want to be, you're like, I'm going to have an anxiety attack, you know. But I've been to several surprise parties, like, that have been thrown for people, and there's the, you know,

you have to know the person. But if it's that, like I think a surprise, startling somebody like jumping out, the monsters, jumping out. It's like, it's not, it doesn't have to be mean spirit. It can just be kind of funny. I always liked one prank that I liked on YouTube, there was, like, one guy who he kept putting clear tape, like, packing tape, across, like, a doorway. And so the guy, he would just, like, walk into it and it would just immediately get pissed off. But then he started doing, then he started, like, adding a second one. So he would see the first one and be like, gotcha.

found your prank and then he'd walk through the next door. And it was like multiple. There's something about like multiple fucking, as long as you can tell it's consensual and cool because there are other videos, especially a very disturbing one that involved a little boy that is very sad because they're just constantly fucking with this person.

You can tell it's not really consensual. Right, right. That's terrible. I don't know. I think overall, I just have a, I have a pretty rough anger problem. So any of those things will just set me right off. That's the thing.

I just get mad. I just see red. Even with the packing tape? They're like something low stakes like that. When my headphones get ripped out of my ears because they get caught on a doorknob, I get furious. Yes. Furious. Right?

I mean, I guess, I guess this is growing up. Burna-na-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-dun-a-dun-d-d-a-d. I guess this is growing. Because we're comrades now. Now I'm just, now I'm a pissy. I don't like surprise parties. I don't want anyone to smile. I don't want parties.

I don't want a party. We just want to tell people the truth. I just want a day where I can tell everybody how I really fucking feel. We're so old now. That's all it means is that we got old. And I hope that you guys out there. Thank you guys so much for joining us today. I hope that you feel old too.

I also was feeling old earlier because I had to do one of those scroll down things when you have to choose what year you were. corn, there's something that makes you feel older than having to scroll and scroll and scroll and scroll to go the 30 some odd years back. You know what I mean? It's very depressing. I've just, you know, we're having a week. It's kermudgies.

It's fucking, happy April Reels Day. Thank you guys so much for joining us. And thank you so much, Mr. Husband, Holden McNeely. Ah, namaste. From Wizard and the Bruiser. Thank you. Do you have anything to plug right now? How do you feel?

Why not? I feel great. I feel fine. I feel good. Wizard and the Brewers. Check it out. crossover podcast with Jackie. We did Harry Potter part two's coming out on Thursday.

Also, check out my Twitch stream. Twitch.tv.TV. forward slash hold naders ho. Every Friday night, Jackie and I party like it's 1982. The year I was born. Oh, good year. And Molly, thank you again. Happy pregnancy to you, my love.

Yes. It's so great. Molly, having another child, I just got married. You know, all this growth happening in our lives. Jackie. Jackie Jackie's getting janty Jackie's getting janty

You know what? Holden April Real's Day Fruit Flops. In her April Real's Day You're not a daddy You're just a You're a father

You're never going to be a daddy April Reals Day You fuck Why don't they call them Fruit Flops? They should call them Am I? Adam of mine?

What the fuck? Katie Perry Fuck off Get me Katie Perry Thank you guys so much for joining because of this week's page 7. If you want more content, you can hit us up on our Patreon. It's patreon.com slash page 7 podcast. You follow me on Instagram if you want to see my breasts and my lips.

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