Page 7 - Episode 331: Slappable Me

Episode Date: December 6, 2019

We're getting festive y'all! We talk about our love for advent calendars and holiday scented candles. Then we goss about Josh Brolin burning his butthole, Jason Momoa plastic shaming Chris Pratt and Post Malone being the cutest.    For 15% off your purchase of $100 or more, go to http://modcloth.com and enter code page7 at checkout. Sponsored link: http://www.simplehealth.com/page7 and use promo code: page7. Go to http://honeybook.com/page7 for 50% off your first year! Go to http://stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in PAGE7 to claim your special offer today!   LA, Chicago, Pontiac & Milwaukee, we are visiting you and we encourage you to slap Holden. Come see Page 7 and Wizard and the Bruiser LIVE!    Funk Game Loop, Fuzzball Parade, Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/       Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey, everybody, Holden here. Hey, and I'm Jackie Zbrowski. We are here to invite you to the live page 7 and Wizard and the Brewers Show in Los Angeles, California. That's right. We're coming to the Regent Theater on Wednesday, December 11th. The tickets are just $22. You can get your tickets at lastpodcastnetwork.com slash P7 Live. Come on out.

You know you want to meet us. Yeah, see you then, y'all. Me. It was almost Christmas time. There I stood in another line. I don't really know the parts of this song, so I'm going to get right to the chorus. Sir, I want to buy these shoes.

For my mama, please, it's Christmas Eve in this Shoes are just her size. Be do do, do, do, do you hurry, sir. Daddy says there's not much time. She's not much time. You see, and she's been sick for quite a while. And I know these shoes would make her smile. I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight.

Welcome to the holiday season, you beautiful angels. My name is Jackie Zabrowski. It's page seven. We're starting it. My name is Molly Neffle. And my name is Holden McNeely and a ho-ho-ho, a Holden-McNeely to all of you. Kitty's with your little booties on out there. Can I say a no, no, no to ho-ho-holding?

Sounds truly disgusting. I feel festive, I feel free, I came here in my red sweater, I'm wearing green pants. Are you wearing a festive t-shirt right now, or it's just a video game t-shirt? No, it's just a video game t-shirt, but I got a candle. Ooh, I want a candle.

I got little bells to ring when I feel the warmth of a child nearby. Are you bringing them right now? Zelda's in the room. The child's feet from you. Gling, clang, cling, cling. What kind of candle? Spill.

Some kind of spicy. It's got a red case. Damn, I wish I'd looked at the... It's got a little snowman on the front. It's definitely, if there was a word to describe it, it would be... Fun. Festive. Oh, festive.

But also fun. Oh, fun. But also fun. Candles are fun. We're in our 30s. I want to say that I have so many candles in my home. I also live with other people that also enjoy purchasing fun candles. But we have been actually going through the candles.

And I want to say, I'm fucking holiday prep. of myself. And I think that we should all just step back today. Find something your holiday proud about yourself. Absolutely. It's about self-care. It's about self-love here on page seven. And I've been finishing the candles. When was the last time you finished a fucking candle? I finished a candle called Christmas Time on the Beach. That was my favorite candle years ago, though. I haven't had time to finish a candle since. Hell yeah. Wait a second. Did it smell like spruce and waves? It was like a key lime pie kind of, I think.

Salty. I don't really. It was. Was there anything Christmassy about it? Because right now I'm feeling no Christmas spirit for that candle. It wasn't that Christmasy, but it still did it for me for some reason. Usually I want like a red one called holiday Christmas spice or something. Because it sounds like that Christmas at the

beach gets a holiday next. I'm throwing holiday next on it. It's getting holiday next in. Don't want that fucking candle. I'm glad you finish it. Now it's gone. What are you going to bring in now? Well, my problem is that I never quite know when to light. Like, I like vanilla fucking candles and shit.

But then if I'm cooking like a, you know, like a stir fry, I can't have the candle lit then. You know, it's going to fuck with the smells. And so I need to have like a neutral palette in order to light the candle. And there's just no time. And also I have cats and I'm very afraid of fire. And so I have not been lighting candles recently.

Cats are very flammable, it seems. Are you setting cats on fire? I also, Holden, you would be happy that I'm, So, Gideon, for I think my birthday, maybe Christmas last year, got me a gift for myself, which is 20-sided dye candles. Very cute. But I don't care about Dungeons and Dragons. And so it's really a gift for him.

And he's like, you like candles. But I'm like, but I don't want a 20-sided die candle. I want a big-ass Yankee candle called Christmas spice. It's so difficult to, I will say as a man, and maybe I'm generalizing, but I have found it very difficult to not buy gifts. for myself when getting gifts for my significant other. I feel like for me recently, I got Lexi the His Dark Materials trilogy books,

but really I knew that she was going to listen to it on audiobook and that I was actually going to read the book. She listened to them all on audio book. Yeah, but I was going to read the books, but it was one of those saying like, here, this is we're going to do this together. I mean, I gave her other stuff, okay, to be fair, but not a lot else.

I don't know if you did. I mean, gifts are symbolic, so I think that in a way it's the sense. saying, oh, we're going to now do what we love to do. Like, we did it with Harry Potter, we did it with Game of Thrones. We're going to read the books together. And then we're going to watch the thing. But in her case, she listens to them.

It is what it is. But I will say... It actually is a very sweet sentiment, though, and I will give you that. Thank you. I am sweet. And I will say, on top of that, Sad Boy Christmas is in full effect. Yeah.

I'm so excited for this season. Hot Girl Summer, get out of my way. I have been exploring it fully. Last night, I did the ceremonial drawing of myself on a pillow. and then holding myself and comforting my own self. Wait, was this all in the drawing that you had? No, no, I draw myself as a boy, as a three-year-old boy on a pillow, and then I comfort my childhood self,

and I whisper things to him that I wish I had known at that age and just cry. Oh, toddler ho-ho Holden, is what you're saying. And that marks the beginning, the official beginning of Sad Boy Christmas. And I'm so glad that Hot Girl Summer is just years away at this point. It's like St. Nicholas Day or whatever, that holiday, that random holiday comes to the beginning of December. Right. And that marks the, like, for you, it's like people know that it's Christmas time because they put up the tree on the Thanksgiving after the weekend after Thanksgiving for you. That's when you know it's sad boy time.

Yes. When it is sad, when Santa rears his ugly, filthy head at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade, I know that I can become, yes, I can finally start crying for the month a pawns to me. And you should also cry. your way to the store because I got to say, a lovely listener, and I cannot thank you enough, Shauna, sent me an Advent calendar that is filled with miniature Harry Potter Funco Popps that all are going to the Yule Ball. And I don't, you know what, we talked about manvent calendars.

And I don't, I can't remember the last time I had a fucking Advent calendar. Uh-huh. I look forward every morning to waking up and opening up the next thing to see what Funko Pop I get. I lose my mind. I get a present every day, and I've been all alone because Jeff is out of town, and I opened up this morning. I went, Victor Crum!

And I burst into tears. And I got to say, get yourself a fucking Advent calendar right now because you get a present every day. Jackie, you've been rubbing it in because I have been desperately wanting to order myself to treat myself to a wine advent calendar this year, but I just haven't gotten my life together because I have to find one online. Because they have one at Aldi, but they don't have Aldi in New York City, I don't think. And so how am I going to get this wine

Advent calendar on time? I'm going to have several wines to drink in succession to catch up, you know? I also just want to say thank you, Shana, for my advent calendar that I didn't get. Yeah, you don't get a fucking Advent calendar. I got the Advent calendar, but I will, I have been taking videos and I've been nervous

to post them on Instagram of me opening them every morning because I'm having so much fun with it. That's awesome. But I was like, this is trash. No one wants to watch. Watch me open up my advent gallery. No, do it. Unboxing.

It's a huge phenomenon. It's a whole genre. Yeah. Isn't that what kids do? Isn't it like a kid thing? No. A grown-ass adults definitely come home from their shopping trips and stuff too and show off what they got. I mean, people love it.

Yeah, but unboxing is like a hashtag, like an activity. That's a kid thing. But that's still, no, adults do it. I've seen tons of adults do like unboxing of like, let's say like a new video game console that just came out that day or something like that. Man, the first time I heard about unboxing, I was like, you got to. be fucking with me right now. That doesn't make any sense. They're just opening things up.

They're just, that's all. They're opening things up on camera. I could see it because I feel like you do get a serotonin rush. I mean, that's, I think a lot of shopaholicism. It comes from like bringing that thing home and carefully opening it up. And like, especially like, let's. My name is Jackie and I am a shopaholic. I know that I can talk to you guys about these things.

I think it's, I blame you Holden. Yeah. Because you encouraged me to quit smoking. And now I'm like, well, I have all the, I got extra money. because I don't smoke anymore. And now it's a debilitating problem. I have to stop buying things. You want a treat to come into the mail

and then you open it up and it's, oh, it's a thing. Oh, and I'll take the plastic off. And that'll kill the environment and then I'll open it up and really enjoy every little bit of it. I love that with like special edition, like record box sets. Speaking of which, Prince 1999 record box,

like five record box set with like live stuff. I want it so bad. I also want to give it to my brother, but it's like $250 so. Well, maybe you should get him the new Prince memoir instead. I was just reading about this, that it had just come out, and it is called The Beautiful Ones,

in which he shares a lot of dirt, including the fact that reveals that he hated Ed Shearren and Katie Perry's music. Yeah, yeah. I would never assume that he would like a lot of the music I like. Yeah, of course not. You know what I mean? I mean, I, why not?

I get it, but I wonder though, I am intrigued of how he would feel about like Bruno Mars or someone like that, that people that are now compared to him very often. I wonder how he feels about that. I think it's maybe just because I've been reading a lot into like the Madonna Lady Gaga issues. And so I'm interested always of that if I think if I were older and someone looked to me and was like, well, I'm doing this in your image. I'm like, fuck yeah.

Get it. Maybe. but I also feel like it's, I would, on behalf of Prince, I feel a little insulted at the Bruno Mars comparisons. Not the Bruno Mars isn't totally great, but he's just like, I get it. So not Prince. I think it's more just like, oh, he plays most of his own instruments as well.

Yeah. That connection. Oh, he sort of is a performer singer all in one thing. Because he is definitely no Prince. I don't want anyone to think of that. I'm saying that. I just know he gets a lot of likenesses. It's nice to know, by the way, that Prince

definitely likes Lizzo because they collaborated together on his way out on his last album. Also, Jackie has been researching the beef between Lady Gaga and Madonna because we're working on a whole shade segment of our live show. That's going to happen on December 11th in Los Angeles, California. Sorry for the shameless plug, but I got to. But we also, yeah, we're going to be doing it too in January and Milwaukee and Pontiac and Chicago. and it's going to be great. Yeah, so we're going into the history of Shade

of bitches on the road, man, and it has been quite a delight. You know, it's kind of like when Annie Kaufman talks about, like, it's not about the jokes, it's about the space in between. In Shade, it's all about what's not being said, but what's being implied.

Is that what Dave Matthews Band was talking about, too? The space between the tears will cry. I think, is that the song, right? Is that Dave Matthews Band? It is Dave Matthews Band, but I also, sorry, I wasn't listening to Holden because I went to go look up the space between

and immediately opened up the picture of Pierce Broson in the Sun on Hulu which I have not watched any of the Sun. I think that I need to get into it because please do yourself a favor and look up da-di-dadi-d-di-d-Di-Di-Di Pierce Brasen in the Sun because I want to have sex with it.

And I will say I have never once wanted to have sex with Pierce Brasen and I've never understood it. I always think of him and Mrs. Doubt in that scene when he's in the pool. And when he coughs up the shrimp, too. Yeah, that always grossed me out. It grossed him out. I think you're pure, just like, oozing, like, sex nonsense going out right now is what's

making the baby cry. I'm sorry, Zelda. So why don't we cool it a little bit on the pierce thirst? What listeners should know is that Zelda is currently really interested in looking at screens, and so she's definitely staring at Jackie. She is staring at the, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Ouch, my ovaries.

Yeah, they're just pulsing. right now, right? It is. I feel like my womb is in some sort of disco tech. Fing me see more. That's your uterus is out of.

Fee. Wants to be fanned. This is the opposite of how I've been feeling because I, we talked about this on talking TV. I've been watching the crown alone because Jeff is out of town. And so I just keep talking to myself like this

and everything I do. But now I'm talking myself in a slight British very timid accent, and I think I'm going to drive myself crazy. Well, there's also a lot of excellent accents on his dark materials, and so you might just be immersing yourself slowly in all of the great nuances of British accent. We're doing a lot of accent work these days, I realize, because, yes, watching His Dark Materials as well, there's just so much flowing through it. And the crown, Jackie, how far are we in, and what are our thoughts?

By us, I mean you, because we're not the same person. You guys aren't doing it. I, again, I apologize for repeats, but I talked about this on talking TV. I'm watching it because, of course, the phenomenon that is the crown, as well as the fact that Olivia Coleman is in the third season. And I have to. I have to. I have to.

I have to. I have to. I love her. I love her. So I've started it. And you know what? I'm sucked the fucking. I get it.

I was very against it. But I was the same way with succession. So I'm trying to open up my mind. Is Olivia Coleman the one from, um, Bradgett? With John Lithgow. Who am I thinking? She's in Fleabag. She's in Fleabag, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the favorite. Yes, she's from Broadchurch also. She is amazing. She's great. So she's in the third season, and I, but honestly, I'm obsessed with it. And I could watch John Lithgow be Winston Churchill every second of every day. And if I had asked myself six months ago, Jackie, would you ever watch the crown? I would have said, nay.

But now, I'm all for it, man. I've been watching exclusively. Christmas cookie, the Christmas cookie challenge on Food Network. Tell us which ones that we have to watch because I need you to do this research. Yeah, you are on the field. I'm doing the holiday baking work that you don't have to. I only watch two things right now. One is holiday baking championship, which is also on Food Network and the other is the Christmas

Cookie Challenge hosted by none other than extremely hot Eddie Jackson, who we talked about a couple of episodes ago. Ooh, yummy. Oh, yeah. For Thanksgiving. He's going to rub some butter on it. He's always wearing like a very, very tight festive sweater. Christmas Cookie Challenge also has... Oh my God, how tight is it around his arms?

Extremely tight. It's like, it's always a turtleneck or something. It's like ridiculous. And he used to play football? He used to play football. He used to play football. He's a former professional football player. And Reed Rahman is the judge, like the stable judge on Christmas Cookie Challenge. And the, aka the pioneer woman.

Love her. I know you're not a huge. huge pioneer woman. She is the least charismatic woman on television, but she draws me in. It's somehow her lack of charisma is like a vacuum that I can't escape. Well, you know what? Sometimes it's exhausting to watch charismatic people. You know what I mean?

So I need a break from that. It's like going to sleep. Sometimes you need somebody who just truly seems like they should be somebody that you like know from somebody like from elementary school's mom. Yeah, like a church person that you know through something. like that. And she like comes over to your house and stays too long. Yeah. And makes observations that aren't funny at all. And it's just... And you still go, ha ha ha ha. And and boy is it satisfying. Because you know how like, are you a person

who stops or either of you the people who stop? If like there is a food video, any food video on my feed, I will stop and watch the whole thing, like those videos that's like... I don't think I have the, I think my, I used to really be super not a food show person until I think really recently with Great British Bacon Show. Yeah, that's what's done it for a lot of people. I think a lot of people have that gateway. Yeah, it just gets you in and you're just like, wow, I don't know why, but I give a fuck about baking all of a sudden. But, but with the Christmas cookie, it has the added delight of like, like, have you, maybe this is just my feed, but like, you know the videos where it's like people filling in, like making fucking fancy ass cookies and you just watch them for like

three minutes. Oh my God. And then they do the outline of it and then they fill it in with the sugar colors. And then they color it in. And it's so satisfying. It's like hitting color fill in MS paint. You know, it's just like so satisfying. It just makes you want to color.

It's so sad. And then you find out when you haven't done the actual outline and then the whole thing turns into one color and you go, no. Yes. That's what the show is basically. people just being like, oh, I don't have time to fill it. And then instead of looking like a nutcracker, it looks like a demon because all of us like a shitcracker is like. Shit crack.

Yeah, get this shit cracker out. Oh, man. Jackie, you really should be the mean judge on the show. Pioneer would be like, I think it's cute. And then Jackie would be like, it looks like a shitcracker. It looks like a shit all over a cracker. And I put it in a fucking Christmas sweater, you piece of garbage. I tried my hardest, Jackie.

I don't know why you have to be so mean about it. Get out of here. I'll tell you. If you drink every time they say, this just feels like Christmas on one of these shows, you will die. It's terrific. I love it.

That's what we really do. We got to get more into doing the Hallmark holiday drinking games that you can find. If you just Google Hallmark holiday drinking games, I don't know why that's so difficult for me to say. I haven't been getting into the Hallmark movies as of yet, but I did end up watching the night before Christmas. And it's delightful. But also, spoiler alert, the Christmas Prince baby is coming out at the end of this week.

What is that even about? The third of the Christmas Prince trilogy? I'm assuming it's a trilogy. It might be a quadrology. Yeah, I think it might end up being a dichelogy or something. Pentology. Something, man. Because there was the Christmas Prince, and then there was like the Christmas Prince, the Royal Wedding.

And now this is the Christmas Prince. I believe it's just called the Royal Baby. Well, I'll tell you, and maybe somebody can solve this problem for me, I'm really struggling to find out how to watch Hallmark movies, because I have cable. And I can't find them. I watched, that's why all last year I watched Lifetime Christmas movies, which are somehow much worse than Hallmark Christmas movies.

They are certainly not as good. They aren't. And I will fight anyone that says that they are. There are some of them that shine, but overall, if we're going to go his to hers here, I'm going to say hers to Hallmark, and that means it's better. No, I want Candace Cameron Bray and Lori Loughlin. I want my ex-Full House stars in my Hallmark Christmas movies. And Lacey Shabair.

And Lacey, and Stephanie Tanner is in one this year, too. What's her face? You know who I mean. Meth teeth and all. Stephanie Tanner. Jody Sweeten. They really only cast people from Full House in these movies. Yeah, Lifetime Christmas movies is like turkey bacon to hallmarks.

Ooh, sweet, sweet, thick cut. Yes, that is exactly right. It's a thick cut pork bacon. You can watch them online. You can go to, I think it's called HMnow.com, but you got to pay for them, those fuckers. Really? And that's fine. I'll pay for it.

Like I did last year, I think I paid for one month. And then I stopped it. But don't forget to stop it. Because you don't want to watch the other stuff. I love your hallmark. But I don't want to watch a Shannon Doherty movie called Growing the Big One, which is about pumpkin. I thought it's about trying to give birth of the world's fastest baby, which is maybe I do.

I'm growing a big wolf. It's going to be hard come January when we're all trying to improve ourselves and you notice that you're still paying for the Hallmark movie. Oh, Seattle radio host Emma Shannon Doherty, learns that her beloved late grandfather left her the family farm, a mountain of debt, and a batch of his famous pumpkin seeds. And with the help of Seth, Kevin Smith, her handsome new neighbor, she will turn over a new leave.

Yeah, it's trash. I'll totally watch that. The thing is, it still sounds seasonal. If it's seasonal, if it's a holiday movie, even if it's not the Christmas holidays, then I'll watch it. But what do they do in January? Is it like movies about people trying to drink smoothies all month? I think it's about being cold. Yeah, it's about people surviving in the middle of an ice storm, eating each other's trash in order to carry it on their middle.

And then we all fuck. Yeah, it turns really dark. I'm fine with it. But, I mean, the real question is, what does Mariah Carey do after the Christmas season is over? Of course, we've made our jokes in the past that she goes back into being cryogenically frozen like she is for the rest of the year. But as you will hear next week when we start our episodes, our first part of the Mariah Carey pop history, I'm, of course, done talking about Mariah Carey. But this is the time when we do talk about Mariah Carey. She just won a third Guinness Book of World Records award for her song.

All I Want for Christmas is You. And she got the reward for the highest charting holiday Christmas slash New Year's song on the U.S. Hot 100 by a solo artist. Also, that song has charted every single Christmas since its release. Nuts. I mean. Which is crazy, but also totally believable. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I feel like, you know, I guess it's not guaranteed like you make a Christmas signal that you're going to chart every year. And there's an abundance of Christmas music. But yet when you told me that, I was like, well, of course it's charted every year because it's like the fucking. Every mall. It's in every CVS. You know what I mean? Yeah. Every everywhere.

And I'm sorry to be such a hater, but I am a hater when it comes to that song. Yeah. I can't. Oh, I love it. Really? Yeah. I like it. It sparks fucking joy, man.

Yeah, sparks. Sorry, this is a side note, but I did see on Instagram that I guess people are now starting to fight back against Marie Kondo's minimalist lifestyle by taking pictures, like taking selfies and showing how destroyed their apartment is. Because now people are fighting back of like, why do we have to live a minimalist lifestyle? Yeah. I like my things. Which I think is very funny. There's this huge backlash happening on the internet now against Marie Kondo's lifestyle. Good.

And I think it's kind. Because also, I love things. I mean, you heard me. I cried when I opened up a Victor Crumb Funko Pop this morning. I've loved things ever since I was a kid, man. I like cheap, trashy, plastic things, and I want them every day. I was so excited because I bought cinnamon pine cones. And then I was excited because I got to go out to buy a bowl to hold my cinnamon

pie cones. Yeah. Who doesn't love going to like one of those big, dumb family restaurants where there's literally bullshit on every inch of every wall? The ground around. Snacky. I want my schnackies, I want my chotchkeys, I want my schnackies. Yeah.

Yeah, but, you know, I got, for example, I realized somewhere in my early 30s that I've been wearing the same t-shirt since I was about 18 years old. And, like, that's probably something that I should take care of, you know? I've been trying to do that now, because I buy a lot of leggings online

that don't fit or don't go up high enough or they don't look good or they like roll down while I'm walking. And so now whenever I put them on, instead of putting them back into the drawer, I put them into a bag to be donated. So now I've got a big bag filled with things I got to donate

and I got to schlep it to the donate spot, but I'm gonna do it. I got a donate bin in my house too. It's very satisfying. I only have one single box in my apartment that is empty. Oh yeah? It's just an empty box. Is that where you go in

and you let your imagination do the work? Yeah, it's where I go and I have. It's all simple. I sleep upside down. Okay. Okay, the show community. That's already been done. Thank you.

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That's a free prescription when you go to Simplehealth.com slash page 7 or enter promo code page 7 at checkout. You just got Holiday NextEd. And maybe it's because it is before noon and I'm drinking a white claw. You are drinking that white claw girl. And it's black cherry. And that's some crazy ass right there with the black cherry.

Black cherry is the best flavor. Grapefruit out of your. It's also, it goes really well with the Death Wish coffee that I'm drinking and then the white claws. It's a good. It's a mix. There's water in the white cloth. Is that your favorite flavor? Mine's grapefruit by a mile.

Yeah, you might be right. Grapefruit is also very good. And not to throw Carl or a friend Carly under the bus, but she actively likes the mango flavor, which is disgusting. I think that you just threw her under the bus. It tastes like butter soda, and that's not good. Not in a good way. It does not taste like butter soda. It's got a weird buttery flavor to it. I cannot get, oh, it's so gross. I like most mango flavored things, but I haven't had it. Why did you just ruin this for me? Now I feel like I'm going to taste butter. No, no, black cherry's fine. Black cherry is fine. I love one thing about

Mariah Carey not to like completely go back to that. but let's go back to it, is that she compares herself to Will Farrell's character in the movie Elf. She thinks that she is the female version of that character. I mean, in terms of being a Christmas staple,

I unfortunately think I have to concede. She is as much a Christmas staple as Elf. Oh, for sure. And the fact that, yeah, she's leaned into it, which also, I feel like, why be against something when, if you guys, definitely listen to our episode of Mariah Carey

because I have a lot of, like, life affirmations that happen while talking about her. She says lines like, I always see Santa Claus. Santa Claus is there. We talk things over. You might think I'm making this up, but this is true. You know, I'm kind of like the hotline for Santa Claus. So if anybody wants to talk to Santa, just like DM me and we'll work it out, which is actually really sweet. But I feel like that might just be the ghost of a dead man that she that lives inside of her house. Yeah. It lives inside of her house. And she just like saw the white beard and was like, oh, you're Santa. And he's just like, whatever works. You must be.

Well, I hope that that's not true because, or maybe it's like the ghost of Christmas past. Uh, yeah, maybe, and it'll take, well, but, what is she, she doesn't need fixing. Does she not need fixing? What's the fix? Because I think, oh my God, why isn't there a, a Christmas Carol version with fucking Mariah Carey Carrier. But at the end, all of the ghosts apologize to her and are like, actually, we were wrong. The day you are. Definitely the one that you showed to us

That's the most disturbing about her Is that she gets very upset If Christmas music isn't playing when she wakes up Now is that just during the season? I don't know she didn't say That disturbs me if that's all year rounds That disturbs me Then that she really is like Will Ferrell's character

Although I am happy because she said Her favorite holiday song is James Browns's 1968 song Santa Claus Go straight to the ghetto I love James Brown's Christmas album is great And that song's probably in my top ten

If I had It's so good Make a top ten list of Ooh should we do that this season Make a top ten list of favorite Christmas Sure I want Sharon Jones No Chimneys in the projects I love that song

So we should have a Christmas playlist And we should also have Did we discuss last week Doing our own Page 7 holiday gift guys? gift guide. Because I want that glitter on there, that body glitter. Yeah, we got to do that.

Oh my God, the fenty body glitter. I'm obsessed with it. It's so good. Wait, you have it right now? Yes, I have, I put glitter on every day. Have you ever noticed? Glitter every day. That Jackie is always covered in glitter.

I guess not. To me, I just see her as that. You never notice I sparkle. I just thought you just take a showers or something. I do take a lot of showers. But also another great Christmas album is Cia's Christmas album. Yes, I like that. Christmas off a lot. And did you guys see this story about Sia going to the Walmart in Palm Springs the day before Thanksgiving?

She pretended that she was a woman named Cece, having just won the lottery and went from aisle to aisle because so Sia, if you guys don't know, is the pop star that always has a wig over her face. So not a lot of people know what she looks like. And she has like an avatar of Maddie Maddie Ziegler is like her dance avatar. Yeah, yeah. She like performs physically four. her while she sings, yes, big Sia fan. In fact, I can't wait to do a pop history on Sia because she was a songwriter for many, many, many, many, many years. And so she decided to start singing a lot of her own music. So she started paying for so many people's groceries in Walmart until one person, of course, realized who she was and wanted to start taking pictures with her.

And she was fine with it, but in a lot of the videos that you look at of her doing it, she was, and of course everyone's like, well, of course, she's a millionaire. she wanted to be seen. But even if she did, that's what she was doing, wanting to be seen. Still fantastic. She made for a lot of people's groceries the day before Thanksgiving,

and I think that's really fucking great. I would love to think that I would be that type of rich person. Yeah. It's like I don't even know what I would do. Like give everybody like free admission to like an amusement park one day or something like that who showed up or something. And I like it because there's no prank involved. Like every Thanksgiving,

There's always that prank of like cops stopping people and then being like, JK, you get a turkey. And meanwhile, the person has like had a heart attack, you know? And I feel like, you know, I don't want like a prank surprise, nice thing. It's just like, oh, you're shopping on Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Let me help you. Let me just take care of it for you. There's like, no, there's no like, got you.

And there's not even like, I'm see ya. It's just, I think it's awesome. That's the cool thing is that until she was outed, she really kind of was totally incognito, which is cool. It's just nice to remember that there are nice celebrities out there. There are people that are out there doing really great things. And I don't know, I think we should celebrate them more often. Like John Bon Jovi, Molly.

Yeah, see, I've been playing a long game in liking John Bon Jovi since seeing Pay It Forward. That's what your love is from from Pay It Forward? Yeah, originated. I was like, who is that handsome man who's married to Helen Hunt? Oh, it's John Bon Jovi. It was John Bon Jovi, and Molly was right, because I didn't know that Bon Jovi had created a foundation called the JBJ Soul Foundation, which helped provide over 600 units of supportive and affordable housing for thousands of youth and veterans. But what he's also created, he just opened up a second restaurant in the New Jersey area called Soul Kitchen that does not have prices on their menu, and it is a pay-what-you-can restaurant. They do say if you can afford the food to give $20 donation,

or if you can't afford the food, also welcome to come in and volunteer for the kitchen as well. And I thought that's really fucking great. Yeah, I think it's great. Mutual aid. And again, it's like John Bon Jovi. It's not like, you know, all love to, you know, celebrity restaurants and shit. But it's not like that.

It's just like, let's do something nice. And I'm John Bon Jovi. Let's do something nice that John Bob Jovi His latest album release Let's do something nice I'm John Bon Jovi is just like

We're friends now You're friends with John Bon Jovi Oh Friends with Bon Jovi Oh I'm doing something nice for you How many women just Oh in a bathtub to that one

You know what I mean? But it's also nice because this doesn't, I just seen this article randomly and it doesn't coincide with an album release. It doesn't have, it's the same with SIA, where it's like these are the times when they are not out front, obviously not just like promoting something, that they're just doing good things because they can't.

Right. What's your big good thing you'll do, Jackie, for everybody, if you became super rich, slob. Ooh, wait, slob? Salab. Salah, I'm trying to, salab. Oh, he's trying to make slob happen. I would want to be definitely more of like a Guy Fieti

where you go and you cook for a bunch of people. Like when Guy Fieri goes to cook for all of the firefighters, when they're fighting all the fires in California and things like that, I'd want to be able to not only like donate, I want to donate things, but I'd also like to donate my time to getting people out and then also hoping that if I'm that huge of a slob, that they would want to hang out with me and also help me cook and make a bunch of people.

And I think that that would be great because I love cooking for people. I think for me I'll do an event called slapable me. And it'll be for like children who are like have a lot of anger issues because they're like out on the streets and things like that. And for one day they can come in and I'll have like a little booth set up and they can come up and just give me a couple slaps. Is that like a minion thing? Are you wearing a mask or they get your bare face? No, no. But I will be making like my annoying bird call noises and stuff like.

to really kind of get them to where they need to be so they can take it out. Or I'll pretend to be their like whatever relative that treats them badly or, you know what I mean? Or their teacher that's shitty. Can Molly and I slap you? Oh yeah, I'll just pretend to be me. That's great. You should become a celebrity.

Oh yeah. Wait, no. You have to be a child. Do we have to be like an at-risk quote-unquote child? If you guys dress up and act like at-risk quote-unquote children, then I will let you slap me. But until then, all right. Wait, does that mean you go up to the kid and shake them to see if they got money and like jingle jangling in their pockets?

And can we be at risk the way that like at risk showed in our portrait in Riverdale where we're just like kind of wearing like clothes with zigzag cutoffs at the knee, you know. And like Boy Scout outfits and dirty boys in the forest. We live in the woods. And I think that my celebrity good deed will be that I'll be the celebrity lunch lady and I'll go around to schools and we'll, we can. can turn it into a cooking show and cook good food together in the lunchroom with all the kids. Navy beans, Navy beans, Navy beans.

I pick Molly's over Jackie's. Ouch, this is not a fucking, this is not your segment. What are you? How dare you? Well, then the judge. But you would make a great lunch lady, Molly, and I think that you would be very good

and you would make everyone smile. Let's do it anyway. We're not salabs. Let's do it anyway. This is like how I want to be like a real jolly old grandmother. I feel like I would be like a real jolly lunch lady who like doles out unwanted advice, you know? We have to talk like this.

No, I would be like, I would call everybody honey. I'd be like, I'd see the kids coming in crying because like they just got in a fight with their friend and I'd be like, honey, if she doesn't appreciate you, you don't need her. That's not the type of friend you want, you know. If she can't see you for you, you for who you are, she don't deserve you for who you're not.

Holden just sits in a rocking chair next to this. Just a confusing, nonsensical things that sound like words of advice. If you weigh you today, you've got to make you yesterday tomorrow or a week from now. Oh my God, she's so inspirational. Don't turn your life upside down. Turn it right side around. Right side. Around.

Yeah, baby. Okay, I guess that's advice. Thanks. The kids are walking away like right side around. Round. Right side around. That means they want me to try drugs? Shosh, shah, shah, no, no, no, no.

Take it up, take it down. Well, that is, you are speaking. If you're going to build it up backwards, you got to be ready for what's coming at you from the far side. Yeah. I think actually it's Holden's lunchroom, and then Jackie and I are just behind him going, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, he's right.

He's right. I'd love it if we all took turns giving out this good advice. Just in the same vein that Jason Mamoa, I will say, kind of slightly attacked Chris Pratt last night on Instagram because Chris Pratt had posted a picture of him like all sweaty on a treadmill, drinking out of a water bottle, a plastic water bottle. And if you guys follow Jason Mamoa the way I do, he is fighting the fight against, single-use plastics and, you know, Ohana and all those things. I think it's great.

But he did comment, bro, I love you, but what the fuck on the water bottle? No single-use plastic. Come on. I just feel like no one can just be anymore without, you know what I mean? I think another one I was thinking about recently, and I really am, Amanda Knox is a very fascinating person to me. But that whole lady Gaga tweet where she was like, famous prison. And she's like, yeah, but really, prison is prison.

And I'm like, I know the prison's prison. but like can you can a person not just make a sentiment anymore without it be I don't know and I get the other side of that but it's just so we get so nitpicky these days I feel like it's like yes prison is way worse than fame by a fucking mile but she's just saying like in a metaphorical sense it feels prison like I feel like metaphors are still useful and I mean when I don't use plastic bottles are metaphors allowed in 2019 no metaphors metaphors Still okay. So I had to, this is like a ridiculous thing, but I work in New York City public schools and a couple of years ago they basically found that there was like lead in like all of them. Wow. Oh my God. Yeah, for like a little bit of lead, like unpredictable amounts of lead.

And then they like did, you know, an audit of all the lead and they fixed them and there was a lot of drinking fountains that were like out. and so then they fixed it. And like, but I was like, did they fix it? I was just a little, and I've been for the last fucking two and a half years or something, I've been either breastfeeding or pregnant. And so out of an abundance of caution,

I decided that I did not want to just do what I usually do, which is bring a bottle and a reusable bottle and fill it up at the schools. And so I've been drinking fucking plastic water, and it drives me crazy. But I also feel like it's one of those things. I try to always use a refillable water bottle, but I also am like using disposable diapers because I just cannot be the person who uses reusable ones

and I'm so glad that those people exist, but it's not me, you know? Especially if you don't have a washer dryer in your house. I think that that is, it really does take a day, especially with two children under the age of a year and a half. I think we give you a pass. But like I know that like my waist footprint, like, you know, in the last two years and for the next two years

is just massive. But then I'll try to make up for it later, you know. So I feel like we all just... It's an environmental rain check. Yeah, you know. It's environmental rain check. You try your best. I don't know.

It's fine. I get it. I do get where Jason Mamo is coming from because Chris Pratt is not a mother of two very young children. Like he is, like the fact that he's working out and someone's like, wait, wait, stop. Let me take a candid picture. Ah, yeah.

It's like, all right, you do influence a lot of people. And he did openly. He's like, I swear, I have a reusable thing. They just took the picture. I just put it down. But he did. Backtrack, backtrak, Patrick, Patrick, Patrick, Patrick. Right, patch, patch, patch, Patrick.

And then Jason Momoa put up another picture of him on his Instagram account and apologize. I was like, I'm sorry. It's just, this is the fight that I'm fighting. And I still love you, man. I just want you to know, you influence a lot of people. And you should, you should be aware of those things. And Chris Pratt also, this is actually a very wholesome interaction. of Chris Pat was like, thank you for saying that.

I understand. And that's, I feel like shame, my hot take in general is that shame can be good. Shame is not always a motivating emotion. It can sometimes shut people down and then be like, well, I guess I just won't do anything. And that's not good. But like, shaming, like you said, Chris Pratt is like, he's not like a vulnerable person on the internet. You can be like, hey, you should model reusing, you know, not using some of reuse plastic. This is what it is.

It's the, what the fuck, bro. That's the part I think. is what I get fed up with on this kind of internet discussion shit. Well, it was like WTF, so maybe it was a little lighter. Okay, maybe it was a little soft, what the fuck. What the fuck? I understand, though. I understand where you're coming from, Holden, because it is hard.

Yeah, tone is very difficult on the internet, too. That's also true. Even too right, because you're right. He could just be like, WTF, bro, like, come on. Yeah. But, you know, but the way Jackie said it was scared me. What the fuck? What the, what in God's name?

Have you done? You vile, civilian. Yeah, yeah. Also, not for nothing, but fuck Chris Pratt a little bit. A little bit? Yeah. Yeah, maybe a little bit. A little bit.

I don't know. Yeah, I don't know, maybe a little bit. I mean, I don't mean to be bold. Jackie, Chris Pratt, yay, or a na-na-na-na-na-na? I'm a na-na-na-na-na-na-na. I think back, you want to talk to any parks and wreck days? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Now, nah, nah. Oh, speaking of yeah, yeah, yeah, a fun fact I think that you guys will appreciate is that when we show Freddie Lizzo on the phone, she goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, to request Lizzo. That's kidding. Oh, my God. I'm influencing them whether they want me to or not. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Frank me, Jackie. Oh, my womb.

My womb is empty. It's fine. But at least my butt hole is. isn't sunburn. Oh, Lord. Do we have to talk about this? Why is this? Why do it?

You're right. We have to talk about it, but also why is it? You know what I mean? Just come on. I think it's great. Josh Brolin on Instagram, which again, he's another great one to follow on Instagram because his social media is actually pretty silly,

and he also really loves his family. And Josh Brolin says he gave a hot new wellness trend, quote, perennium sunning. A try over the Thanksgiving weekend, and his response was, my pucker hole is crazy burned, and I was going to spend a day shopping. Can you do it a little more like Josh Brolin? I feel like you're not really giving us a good brolin right now. I don't know.

My puckle. My pucker hole is crazy burned. And I was going to spend a day shopping with my family. And instead I'm icing and using aloe and burn cream because of the severity of the pain. I don't know who the fuck thought of this stupid shit. But fuck you nonetheless. Serious. I like that seriously at the end because really it is.

He really is. His asshole is burnt. At 30 seconds, your asshole could get that burnt? No, he forgot. Did he like fall asleep with his asshole in it or something? What's his problem? He must have. He must have.

He said he'd have for 30 seconds. But apparently this Instagram health influencer who goes by Ra of Earth is, he posted a now viral video of three naked men lying on the grass with their legs up, exposing their assholes to the sun. He says, in a mere 30 seconds of sunlight on your butthole, you will receive more energy from this electric node than you would in an entire day being outside with your clothes on. I mean, I think in general we should encourage men

to have a relationship with their butts, but this, I just, as a sun conscious person, I'm just like, don't do this to your skin. I don't want my bo'all in this up. No. It doesn't need to be tan. I understand we're doing it for energy. But do yoga.

You get lots of energy, you know. There's other ways. Get some sort of, like a sun, like a rain stick. I don't know. I have little vitamin D droplets. I'll tell you what, too. I'll take it one further. Put it in your butt.

Yeah, droplet. Put those. Drop them in your butt. Don't put it in your butt. This is not medical advice. Don't put anything in your butt. Oh, you'll be fine. Got it.

of a doctor. Put it in your butt. I think you can put some things in your butt without a doctor being present, Molly. I'm just from what I've, just for what I've seen on the internet. I'm a butt permission doctor. But I'm called. But I'm proud of him for trying it. It's something new.

It's something different. I just really love his response of just, fuck you nonetheless for him trying it. It's the seriously that does it for me because it's like, You're really not joking. Yeah. You've really got your, you really sunburnt your own asshole because you took the advice of some random nutbag on the internet.

Like, what? My problem with Josh Brolin is I have a very embarrassing problem where every time I hear his name, I think of the, like, young opera singer Josh Grobin. Beard. You raise me on. That is such a Molly specific issue. And so I pictured, and he's very sincere. And so I pictured him.

saying this Instagram post I'll take you one step further Every time I think of the name Josh Grobin I call him Josh Rubbin And my mom doesn't like That I call him Josh Rubbin Right

I think it's fun Isn't it How moms take shit so seriously That's just She hates it She hates when I see Josh Rubin And moms love Josh Groban Yeah yeah I can

Yeah I see this guy I've seen this guy out here You know him Yeah oh yeah I'm looking at a bunch of pictures Of him right now Oh are you Oh yeah

He is a little He's a little nebish sexy. I'll give it to him. Does he look like he would sunburn his own ass? Yes. Actually, yes. Actually, yeah. Yes, so maybe just keep him interchangeable, Molly.

I think it's fine. Okay, fair. It's just when you have everything, I guess. Like, if you're a big celebrity with a great family, you just try stupid shit like this all the time. Because if you have an abundance of time, you're like, I guess I'll go stick my ass in the sun and then fall asleep in that position.

Like, I just, when does one find the time to sun one's own ass? But also, I think that you get to a point in celebrityhood status stuff, that you get this bizarre need for a guru, you know what I mean? For some specialist. I mean, we watch the Bickram documentary. I get it. Oh, my God, the Bickram documentary. Molly, please, have you seen that?

No, but that sounds great. Oh, the Bickram documentary, man. It is, well, it is, it's, you know, he's a terrible person. It sounds like, yeah, it sounds. It sounds like the type of shit that I want to watch. Yeah, it's the type of shit you want to watch. Need organization. Do they know honey books here after all?

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Oh, I saw molly using steffs.com instead of schlepping boxes to the post office. Oh, she didn't see. me creep into LPN to have a peak. She thought I was at home in L.A. Cause I was supposed to watch her children sleep. This song reinvention is actually creepier than the original. I swear, Molly, I won't leave your children unattended because I ain't got to drag all my holiday crafts to the post office to mail out.

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and type in page 7. That's Stamps.com, enterpade 7. Stamps.com, never go to the post office again. Speaking of the type of shit we want to watch, I know that this was last week, but we didn't have an episode last week, and we need to talk about post-Malone dancing to Shania Twins' performance at the American Music Awards.

It is the cutest thing I've ever seen. He was, like, really charming the whole award show. Like, he always had a drink in his hand. He was always just kind of, like, chumming it up with, like, everybody. Even, like, when T-Swift got up to accept one of her five awards that she received that night. She like men out of her way to go give specifically him a hug. It seems that low key he is the sweetest person in the music industry right now.

It's so hard to not judge the shit out of him. Yeah, I've done a big, yeah, 180 on him. Right? Because at first I was like, who is this child with his silly face? I mean, anybody with face tattoos, it's like you got to take a moment to like just let that process and be like, you're still. a person who's, you know, makes smart decisions and is fun to be around. I always like a face tattoo because it makes me, like,

admire the person's choice to, like, take that path, you know? But something about Post Malone, I was like, I just didn't trust him at first. And it turns out he's wonderful. Yeah, he's so sweet. He was great the whole time. His performance was really good, too. Yeah.

And he brought Ozzy into his performance, which was super cool, who, like, couldn't even barely stand up out of his chair, his throne chair, which was maybe a little sad, but still pretty cool. but him dancing to Shanai Twain definitely the best part of the night. It's so, it's very sweet. And I will say I've tried to listen to More Post Malone.

Not all of it is necessarily my type of music, but I enjoy him as a person. I very much do. And now Shania Twain is coming out because of this video, of course, went viral of him just grooving and singing along and having a great time. And now Shania Twain says that she has written a song for the two of them to perform together. And I'll fucking listen to the shit out of him. It also after this award ceremony she wrote a collaboration song for her and Lizzo and Janelle Monet to sing together as well and please and thank you I would like to hear it

If I was a musician I'd just write collaboration songs for all the people I'd want to be best friends with you like hey Lizzo I wrote this for you do you want to hang out on me and it's so much more of that happens now it very publicly on Twitter people just straight up reach out and just be like yeah let's do it Let's get in the studio yesterday. Let's work on some. And a lot of those collaborations are happening because of that. Like Lil Nas X and Dali Parton. Lil Nas X, Dali Parton.

Lil Nas X is like the king of that. And then Ariana Grande doing a like redo, a remix of good as hell by just tweeting simply, baby, how you feeling. And then Lizzo, like, responding good as hell. And then they went into this, like, she went in the studio, did a verse on good as hell. Like, it's so cool. Yeah. In fact, you brought up Hot Girl Summer earlier.

That's what Megan the Stallion did with Nikki Minaj. She wrote for her to sing on the song Hot Girl Summer, sent it to her the next day. Nikki Minas sent it back. I mean, like, recorded it, did it. Thanks for hit me up. But going back to Shania Twain also, she really did a great job at the VMAs. It was so cool to see her up on a stage. AMAs, sorry, up on a big stage, just like nailing it with all these dancers, this big colorful thing.

It was great. It was great. I know. Everybody was getting down. Really, I did enjoy, I did enjoy the A-M-A's, the ones that are the sections I watched. Because you can't watch it everywhere because, again, classes against the people with no cable. I'm climbing classism against this. I definitely have to credit Jackie with my even considering Shania Twain since middle school gym class. When we had to dance to, man, I feel like a woman, and to learn square dancing.

I'm glad that you have opened up your life to her because, man, she really makes me feel like a woman. But it is time for the list, guys. Oh, who's on the list? Jackie, we got to have that list. Uh-oh. 28 offbeat holidays you can celebrate in December. Yeah.

What? Holiday season. No, I've heard it. By the way, holding that phrase is totally creeped into My damn light. Well, I hope you fucking have your jars filled up. Except that when you guys hear it, it will have already passed. Sorry, not sorry, because December 4th is National Cookie Day.

Uh-oh. They should have pushed it a little closer to Christmas for Christmas. Seriously. December 5th, though, bathtub party day. I think that might be one of my favorite. So not only do you have to get into the bath, but then you invite other people into the bath. And then it's a bathtub party, and you can celebrate on December 5th. So is this a sexual holiday?

I don't know, I guess. If it was just bath day, like, hey, everybody, it's a wellness day. Everyone should take the day to have a bath today. Yeah. But bathtub party sort of suggests some kind of, I don't know, orgeistic ceremony. Because you're not getting more than three people in the bathtub with you. Oh, yeah. And rub-a-dub-dub.

Okay. I think it's, but also, I think it's a great way to utilize sex as a way to work off some of this holiday weight that we're gaining. Very true, very true. Because you'll be slipping and sliding so you got to hold on, cracking your head open. Cracking, yeah, exactly, a lot of blood in that tub, blood and bubbles mixed together with the semen. I wonder if you could mix the two, because apparently December 5th is also International Ninja Day. Uh-oh. Um, cool.

I don't mean to say I hate this list too early, okay? But I'm mad at so far at this list. I'm going to go ahead and say that I may or may not have chosen this list to purposefully infuriate you. December 6th, Molly, is National Pawn Brokers Day. Oh, interesting. Isn't that fascinating? That is very interesting. That's such a festive day.

It has to do with celebrities and festiveness. Festiveness. What a fun day. Yeah, well, December 9th, Molly is Weary Willie Day. That is nothing. So that's nothing day. What the fuck is?

Is Wary Willie, the guy that hides in your bathtub? And when it's time for bathtub day, he pops out, he's like, Wary Willis got you with his grabby hands. Very similar because professional clown Emmett Kelly created one of the more memorable clown characters of the 20th century. Weary. Or I guess it's Weary Willey? Weary, Willie.

Weary, Willie. Weary Willie. Is he tired or is he skeptical? Yeah, yeah, he's a slag. He's a tramp among the populace among the Depression era derelix. And I think in the Depression era, people were less wary and more weary. Yes. Yeah.

What a fun day. And maybe they're just getting geared up for December 12th, which is Poncella Day. So now that makes more sense. That makes a lot of sense. Poinsetta is a part of the holiday season. I remember we always did the point celtas through like my school or church or something and my mom would always have pointetas

and she'd call them fun. Yes. If you watch the fucking Christmas cookie show, everyone's making point celtas on their cookies. Oh, interesting. They're a fun festive fucking cookie. I think it's great. You make them December 4th. Jesus Christ.

December 12th is the festival unmentionable thoughts? What is that? See, that's the list. That's a hold of a holiday right there. How do you even say? Yeah, it kind of sounds like April Reels Day a little bit.

I am very interested. This is actually the reason why, between that and also National Day of the Horse, which we'll get to. The Festival of Unmentionedable Thoughts was why I picked this, because I'm very intrigued. And I think I'd like to celebrate it on December 12th. So I would love,

please let us know, guys, if you end up celebrating on December 12th, the Festival of Unmentionedable Thoughts. Jackie, in your life every day is the festival of Unmentionable Thoughts. How is your house to December 12th going to be different? It's like a day where you can only think on only think unmentionable thoughts or is it a day where you share some unmentionable thoughts? That sounds like April Reels to me. Because it sounds if you if you can only think them and

not say them, that's going to be a restrained day for Jackie, you know? Like she's going to, it's going to be a calmer day than usual. I think that I'm going to celebrate the festival of unmentionable thoughts and I'm worried. I feel like don't call your family on December 12. Like that's when you don't say those kind of things. That's when you don't. Uh-huh. You have to live by it the whole day. Do you think? I believe so. I think every community. you have that day has to be an unmentable thought. So if you, like, go to the store to buy some lettuce when you go to the checkout, you're like, I've thought about killing a man.

And they're like, they're like, credit or debit. And you're just like, slice them up, I would if I were to do it. Okay. And what's funny is you can actually get away with that in New York City. Yeah. They don't give a lot. Oh, for sure. Yeah.

You can go to the grocery store and just be like, oh, I've bombed a couple houses last week. And they'll just be like, yeah, okay, credit it'll just slide the cheese in a chip. Isn't a chip? In New York City, no one notices a mentionable thoughts day. Now, national 13th, or December 13th might be National Day of the Horse, Jackie. But I think more importantly, December 13th is National Salesperson Day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because, you know, you might not always want their help, but we'll absolutely be needing it this holiday season.

That's what they say about National Salesperson Day. That fits it with the pointatas. It makes sense. It's a constellation of holidays. You know what also makes sense, Molly? December 14th. Monkey Day! Because who could have a Christmas season without a bunch of monkeys?

Right? I think it's great. Isn't that technically what a holiday gathering is? It's just my monkeys getting together. Coinside Monkey Day with Bastard Party Day and then we got a real holiday. Oh, I forgot that December 15th is cat herders. Is that a joke? That's a saying, you know, it's like herding cats in here, and it means you can't do it.

Right. It's impossible to do. So it's an impossible holiday. I think that day's fucking with us. Yeah, that day is upsetting. December 16th, though, is Barbie and Barney Backlash Day. So what does that mean? I guess you, I mean, I think that it's when you go against the standards, the fact that

We can neither be big and purple nor have a waist that small. That sounds like maybe this does have to do with holidays and you say, oh, I'm not going to be, get my kid the gift they want. Right. I'm going to be a righteous parent and say, fuck these beloved children's things, you know? Right. I think it's good. I love it.

I think it's a way to keep your kid down. I feel like, which is also it will come in handy on December 20th, which is Underdog Day. Ah, yes, I always love an underdog. Absolutely. Now I love this list. Create an underdog by denying your child what they want and filling their house with monkeys. Yeah!

I like December 21st way better, which is humbug day, and that sounds like a page 7 holiday, actually. That sounds like a holiday fit for you. What a fun day. Everybody just acts like Scrooge before he goes through the transformation, which I think would be super fun. On that day, instead of Ho Ho Holden your humbug holding? Yeah, I'm humbug holding.

I'm just root to the Uber driver, and I'm just, you know what I mean? I must have been celebrating a humbug day because I saw a sweater that actually filled me with rage at J.C. Penny and it was a Christmas sweater and it said jaw humbug with a shark on it. Oh, I would wear that. I was angry about it. What?

Buy it for me. Yeah. Jaw humbug. That doesn't fit. I have had I've had bah humpug Christmas sweaters with a pug. I think that's great. Jaw humbug doesn't make any fucking sets. It doesn't fit in with the phrase.

Is it because the saying is not baw humbug? It's boa humbug. And also the word is not jaw for the shark. It is jaws. Ah, weird. Jaws humbug doesn't have the same. Jaws humbug doesn't work either. How about slaw humbug?

And it's just like an upset bowl of s coal-lis. A little plastic cup of coal sloth. But with a frowny, grimmising face on it. Honestly, I get, I'm a slaw humbug whenever, if it's like two, and this is coming from a mayo queen here. To, runny. But when the mayo soaps off it runny and it's not thick and viscous the way my mayo should be, then I get slaw humbug. This is the second time we've talked about slaw in the last couple of weeks, I think. Slaw's important, I think.

Slaw's, like really important to me, like getting it right. And you can really fuck up some slal, you know what I mean? How about a pile of meat and that says raw humbug? Ah, raw humbug. But that also still is awe. Well, we have to keep going because we got Four Father's Day on December 27. We have to move on from this fucking conversation. All right.

The last one I do want to talk about is December 25th is alphabet day. Upon a Noel, this offbeat said, but it's the word celebration without the E. I don't know. It's designed to hi-eyed the arbitrary nature of many of the years, say your a-a-a-a-a-day-es. Why you unwrapping presents and eating your Christmas feast? Eve, oh, you leave all the L's. Yeah, leave all the L's out.

And so that's why it's alphabet day. Oh, God, no, no. Take me back to the raw humbug conversation, please. All right, let's talk about it. How about I was thinking either a claw, and I know white claw humbug. White claw humbug. Jackie. I know that's the W, but it's so worse.

I don't know. Yes or no. White claw humbug. It doesn't. It doesn't sound like anything. It doesn't sound like anything. What do you think? I'm against.

I'm against... I think that you're a mango white claw humbug. I am a mango white claw humbug. How about white claw hum jug? So it's a big jug, a white claw. And it's all the... It's a, like, suicide drink white claw.

It's all the flavors mixed in the line. I think you've missed... I think you've missed the point entirely. The only syllable one there from my humpug is hum. I know. We got to make it new. We got to make it art. White claw hum jug

Oh my God, please. That's on the list. That's not the page seven, we'll make our own, we'll sell our own. It says white claw hum jug. And people are just like, what does it mean? Has every flavor. It doesn't mean anything about white claw or Christmas.

Do you like white claw or do you dislike white claw? I can't tell. No, no, no, I'm white claw hum jug. That's all. Yeah, no, no, no. White claw hum jug. White claw hum jug is what it is. It's like a new, it's its own language.

It's its own thing. Yeah, I think we cracked it. I think that definitely solves the shark shirt that Jackie was upset about. Thank you. And that also finishes up the list. Oh, my God, has it not grown somehow eerily darken here? Oh, no.

Oh, I stop deceive me as the lightens dimens and I twine-twant wish for sight again. Mean love for the looks of the world has craven me, but I must now be going blind I know sorry I was I can't see him you've been reading too much his dark materials

yeah I think that might view what's going on right now it's a really good book you're scaring Zelda please look at her why would your demon be you have to get out of his dark materials and into the fucking television show

by the way I took the test I got a squirrel you got a squirrel there's a test send me the link oh yeah there's a million honestly there's like a billion of it but yeah yeah we'll send you Because Lexi, whenever something like this happens, Patronus,

you know, house sigil, whatever it is, Lexi has to take a million quizzes to find out which thing she is. So I'm all over that right now. More cancellations for the permanent A++ Lister because of record low ticket sales and not because of injuries. Mariah Carey. Nope. A plus plus Lister.

Yeah. Yeah. Beyonce? Uh, not, no, she was, she's still selling the fuck out of stuff. And not touring right now. I really need it. Next, I'm going next time. Yeah.

Spare no expense, I'm going to go next time to like whatever big show she does. Wait, who just hurt themselves? Lady Gaga just hurt herself, right? No, but it's not Lady Gaga. Who else? Who else could it be? Big diva. Definitely there's been beef with, um, her and like we, you know, whatever and people and she's like, oh.

Madonna. Yes. Bitch. She's a bitch. Way to read my stellar clues. Yeah, I did it. I fucking did it. You didn't know how to say it in any other way.

Yeah, of course. It's not as good anymore, Madonna. I love you. I'm sorry, but it's not good anymore. This was reported last week that she canceled a show in New York as well as the opening night of her L.A. residency. She posts on Facebook, please forgive this unexpected turn of events. Doing my show every night brings me so much joy,

and to cancel is a kind of punishment. but the pain I'm in right now is overwhelming and I must rest and follow doctor's orders but she did not specify the cause of her entry just told fans in San Francisco that she had a, quote, torn ligament and quote a bad knee. Also though she is notorious for like never canceling shows.

Like she's rarely, rarely done it in the past and so there's a lot of them lately and I think that's why the speculation about the ticket sales thing. Take a break. Madonna, man, she must be exhausted. Sure. Yeah, of course.

And also, but she's just so tight that maybe she just needs to relax a little bit. Oh, yeah. Let it hang loose, if you know what I mean. Let it hang loose. I do know what you do. Get a white claw hum jug in that one. Ah, yes, queen.

This barely there celebrity offspring who tries really hard and has made it higher on the list than her famous parental unit was a mess this week. Talking about her husband, she broke down, and it was apparently really sad to see someone crying and doing coke at the same time. Oh, Lord.

That's the saddest blind item on her. Oh, yeah. She's the daughter. She's of celebrities, but she's kind of a big deal because of who she's married to, and they may be having problems. Because he seems like a disaster. All right, so someone that they are married to, but the one they are married to is of lineage of, like, Hollywood lineage.

She is of Hollywood lineage. She's married to a superstar. I'll say he's in the music biz. It's not Chrissy Teigen. No. Who is it? Child of celebrities. Who's Chrissy Teigen the daughter of?

No, I don't think she's daughter really. Oh, okay. She's the daughter of nobody. Her mother is very nice. It seems like her mother is very nice. Mother was a ghost. No. So she is, it's not Angelina Jolie.

Fucking, no. It is... Is it Pletro? No. I feel like the key is in who she's married to because he's like a big deal, but sort of a, I don't know, goes back and forth between being, together in a total disaster.

In the music biz, child star now grown up. Bradley Cooper's character from when a star is born? Yes. A fictional character is this week's blind item. No, it's not you bad. Wait, you said child star.

The guy, the husband is. Drake. No. But Drake's not married to anyone. No, but also Canadian. Oh, Justin Bieber. Yes, and? Oh, Haley Baldwin.

Yes. Hey, Oh, see, that makes it. I was thinking a lot older than that. Okay, all right. Oh, oh. Of course she does a lot of blocane, unfortunately. Haley recently showed support of Selena Gomez

by liking a video of her look at the AMAs Gomez saying, lose you to love me at the award show. That song has been stuck in my head like every morning when I wake up, by the way. Also, also, shout out to all of the people who write for internet publications who literally have to create an entire

album out of a single like on a video. Yes, of course. That is, I was looking at this art. I'm like, this is an entire article about one person clicking the like button. Well, it was a whole big thing, though. Yeah, I mean, I remember reading through all of it, and then she like unliked it. And then Selena Gomez was like, well, I support women no matter what. It was like, they had like a whole back and forth about it.

But I don't think it was intentional. I think, I mean, haven't you accidentally liked something before? I hate it. Definitely. There's got to be a word for that feeling when you accidentally. like something or accidentally like enter a search term in as your tweet I live in fear of accidentally tweeting what I'm hate searching yes I gotta let you finish this blind item without me for a second one last one no worries I understand she's such a cutie holding walk to the baby I get it I talked about Madonna and then I talked about I know Haley and Baldwin Bieber and cocaine use I'm sorry Zelda it's the cocaine it's the cocaine use why would you bring that up in front of the baby it's super not cool don't do it I've never done on it. Uh-oh, there's no baby now, so now what do we do?

Oh, fuck, uh, you fuck you, fuck you, saki, dicky. All right, let's not be bad anymore, because that was upsetting. No, it's just us. In a couple of weeks when the A-minus list singer, who came out of nowhere in 2019 turns 18, I would say A-List singer, by the way. I meant to fix that A-List singer,

who came out of nowhere in 2019 turns 18, the foreign-born A-list one-named rapper singer will probably stop talking to her, but for now they are very good, quote, friends. Well, I think that's a bit of a reach in saying that and insinuating that, but I know you're talking about Billy Eilish and Drake. Yes, absolutely. Billy Eilish and Drake.

Eilish turns 18 on December 18th. I don't think that he would necessarily stop texting her once she turns 18. I don't think that's necessarily what he's doing. Little drastic, but I hate it. She recently revealed that Drake in her text. Eilish said, Drake is like the nicest dude I've ever spoken to. I mean, I've only, like, texted him, but he's so, nice. Like, he does not

need to be nice. You know what I mean? He's at a level in his life where he doesn't need to be nice, but he is, you know? I know. I get it, but also, like, he's texting Millie Bobby fucking Brown, who is a child. And he's not a nice, but he's nice to you because he wants something from you. That are like, did you ever, I don't know

if you ran in those kind of crowds, but like, we always were around the dudes that were like 23, 24, hanging out and doing drugs with girls and high school and then they're like, isn't he just so great? It's like he doesn't even care that I'm 16. It's like, well, even when I was that age, I wouldn't sleep with those dudes.

I'm like, I think it's creepy the fact that they come around and give us drugs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's so ridiculous. And in hindsight, it's always like, oh, yeah, that guy, there's definitely a reason. You're a rapist. There's definitely a reason that person was very kind to me at that age. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm aware of the fact that Billy Eilich, obviously. is, you know, in a lot of circumstances,

a lot older than I was at that age because she has been through a lot more and is a lot more grown up, but that still does not give you the right. There are rules, there are laws in place, Drake. And I think that I wouldn't think it was as creepy if the whole thing with Millie Bobby Brown wasn't such a big issue.

Then it's like, that's what's like, well, I could see Billy Highlands at least is on the line. Right. But Billy Bobby Brown is a child. Yeah, it's weird. She's a tween. Oh, sight has returned to me. Oh, your sight has returned, but I'm talking about big issues.

Blind dendums are over. Well, I guess Molly's still milking herself to give life to her child. So we will just the two of us say goodbye to you to this day. Just the two of us. We can make it if we try. Oh, my God. Just like, what is it, Dr. Evil and Minnie Me? I'm Dr. Evil. Oh, $1 million.

I'm Minnie Me. I died a few years later from the movie. That is very upset. I'm sorry. We're very topical. We're very topical and we are very sensitive. Oh, yeah. And I just want to thank you guys so much for joining us on this day into our holiday season.

And next week, Holden will be in Los Angeles with me because we will be doing our live show. December 11th, the region theater. Tickets are just $22. Please, please find it in your heart to come out and say hello to come party with us. It's going to be such a fucking fun time. And one Miss Natalie Jean will be with us on stage because Molly will be in New York with her children. Yes. And we're going to have so much fun.

And I hope that you guys can join us if you can't join us in L.A. Join us in the Midwest and January. We'll freeze our buns off. I love you guys so much. I'm so excited to share the holiday season with you. My name is Jackie Zabrowski. You can follow me on Instagram at Jack That Worm. My name is Holt McNeely.

You can follow me on Twitch.tv. forward slash Hold Nader's Ho, Jackanese with Jackie Streams, 6pm ET every Friday. But more importantly than that, check out our Patreon. Patreon.com forward slash page 7 podcast. We've got weekly bonus material flying at you on top of the pop history, on top of the weekly page 7 episodes,

on top of the Riverdale Roundups. If you're enjoying all this content, please consider just $5 a month. We would greatly. greatly appreciated. Also, you can follow Molly at Molly Neffel on Twitter. Nope, that is not. I don't think that's true. It says at Molly Neffle. Is it just at Molly Neffle? I think so. I thought it was like MJ something, something. MJK.L. Cat. Yeah, MJKK Cat. But it's, maybe that's Insta. M.J.K. Kelka. Dude, whatever. We're fucking. The Jellicle

cats. Jellicle cats. Oh my God. One week closer, guys. We are one week closer to the premiere of cats. And I'm excited about it. I think for my birthday, I'm going to do a get together where we actually all dress like dogs and go get hammered and go see cats. So we'll talk about it. Hopefully I can get Molly on that as well. Until then, have a good one, y'all. Love you. Bye.

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