Page 7 - Episode 335: Hotel Papa

Episode Date: January 9, 2020

We catch you up with all the Golden Globes goss and we are baffled and appalled by Chet Hanks, Gene Simmons and will someone please stop Goop?   Chicago! Pontiac! Milwaukee! Come see Page 7 with Wizard and the Bruiser on tour this weekend! Get your tickets here     Check out Ben Kissel's documentary, Hail Yourself America, now available to stream and download!   Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Well, slap my breasts and call me a spider woman. There's still tickets for the Live Page 7 and Wizard and the Bruiser Show this week. You're dang right it is. Why don't you squirt some of those webs at your hands? And sling your way over to Chicago or Pontiac or Milwaukee this week, the 9th, 10th, and 11th. For the Live page 7 and Wizard's Show, go to Last Podcast Network.com. slash P7 Live to get a little spider sticky with us. Uh-oh, it's 2020.

Ain't nothing gonna break my stride. Ain't not gonna haul me down. Oh no. I got to keep on moving. Unfortunately, it's been that and cats for about a week and a half. So sorry, guys. Ain't nothing gonna break our fucking stride.

It's 2020. You were talking to the neon goth witch of 2020, and I have so much neon in my life now. I'm scared of it. I'm scared of how much I'm gonna glow in the dark. I'm just like a ninja bitch turtle. Welcome to

page seven. I was going to say something and then I just, everything left my mind when you said that phrase, ninja bitch turtle. I will say I did just run into Mr. Ben Kissel from Last Podcast Network in the lobby. And nothing's going to break his stride either. Here at the very

fancy East Coast last podcast network studios and I'm a little disturbing. Say we tried to talk to him about Kisle always throws me for a loop, right? I think this man thoroughly actually did enjoy the film Cats like as a film. Yeah, we were having two different conversations.

So we were like, let's talk about cats. And he was like, it was great. And we were like, uh... It's like, the songs are good. Mr. Mistopoulis? Yeah, he's... That was when we opened with. He was like, I mean, I thought Mr. Mistoffley's great son.

Why? Why? I just, you know what? I love Kissel when he throws you for the loop of when he actually is being genuine, too. Right. And you don't want to break that bubble of him being happy. So you know what?

We'll give him cats. He really does. And we all love cats too, just in a very different way. That's the thing. It's like, did I love it? Yes. Was it the most fun I've had in a long time? Yes.

Will I do it again? Absolutely. Can I not wait to see it again? Absolutely. I'm like so excited to see it again. But yet I'm not going to like open a conversation about cats with saying, I thought it was good. Mr. Mesophiles, huh? And I want to say thank you to everyone that gave us great feedback of whether or not we should take cats on the road.

This is something that, if you are a lawyer, can you tell us if we can do this? Because I'm ready to do it. But I think that we might not be able to do it. I want to do cat screenings. And I just realized this, too, we come dressed as dogs, but also if we could find dog-friendly venues. So that people can bring their dogs as well. That's the real stroke of genius. And kids.

I say kids should be there too. Yeah, I think it should be babies and dogs allowed screening of cats. I think the dog, bringing the dogs is a stroke of genius because people love a dog bar. I think that as we discovered when Zelda was here, we might swear too much

to say bring the kids. Yes, that is possible. Oh, that is true. Unless we do it, unless we do PG drunk cats. PG intoxicated cats. Yeah, I think it sounds good. I think it's quite a challenge and I think it's something that we are all strong enough to do.

It's a new year. We have to challenge ourselves. New year, new us. I'm feeling so new. By the way, my name's Holden. And I'm here in 2020 to say, I'm here to stay. Wow, that's good because we really weren't going to get rid of you anytime. Yes.

So that's good for us. My name is Molly Neffle, and every time Jackie gets her new theme for the year, I always am so inspired to find my new theme for the year. and my theme for this year right now is just a kind of amorphous like get back on track you know I've been on the tracks for a while I think it's wonderful okay that's specific enough your neon goth is so specific it's like a writing thing where I'm like oh my writing is too vague you know like I need like a specific get back on track is like it's not really good resolution because it's like it's not actionable you know I think that you've you've had so many changes over the past couple of years

that get back on track, I don't think is that too vague for you. I think that just shows a good forward-moving motivation to get you to tackle this year. And I'm proud of you. All right. And I vow in 2020 to frighten more strangers. I think you do that enough. I don't think you have to work on that. Your resolution is something you're already good at.

That's a cheat. It's a strength. That's a hack. I'm just worried about how you're going to utilize that. And so tomorrow we leave to go on. our Midwest tour of page 7, A Wizard in the Bruiser Live. So are you going to utilize this while we are traveling together?

100%. I'm excited to meet people that know who I am, but I'm also excited to scare people who don't know. By the way, just got an email from the Powers that Be. Chicago is sold out, baby. Sold out, baby. So get your tickets to Pontiac and Milwaukee. They are still available.

We're going to have so much fun. And I've been eating really well to prepare myself for the email. of hot dogs I'm going to consume. And also, we finally got, this is the most adult thing I think I've ever talked about on this show. Jeffrey and I got TSA pre-check. Whoa.

And I feel like Queen Elizabeth herself. I'm gonna laugh, everybody like, take off your shoes. Oh, you gonna take your shoes off? Oh, do you have to do your computers out? No, no, no, not me. I've got knives in my computer. Don't no, no, TSA.

Please don't take it away. Please don't take it away. and they might take it away. But I am very excited about it because I will look down upon anyone that looks at me. See, the thing is I got really excited. I told Henry about it and he's like, you know that like that's old hat now. You have to get clear if you want to be the one being excited at the airport. I didn't even know clear exist.

What? It's so annoying. It's a new level. It's a new level. I just got to TSA Precheck. I just got to that level. What is prechecking tale? Yeah, tell me what we get with precheck.

I think, what, you don't take off your shoes, you get to walk through a metal detector, right? You have to give them all your information about your life, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh yeah. In exchange, you get to keep your shoes on. You get to keep my shoes on again. I don't have to take my computer out. Yeah, you don't take your computer out of that.

But clear is like a free-for-all. Apparently, clear is just like, do you do like, how do you do? Like, no tickets? It's like, no, it's a... Clear you can shoot a gun off twice in the airport, and no one will come after you. Only twice, no more than twice, though. Two free shots.

But in exchange, they get to tap your phone like you, and they just see everything you ever text. In exchange, they create a duplicate version of you in robot form who has his own job and identity in a different state and pretends to be you. But that's also great, because aren't we on just one timeline of what could happen? So let's have multiple timelines running in one universe. I'm here for it. Jackie, and with pre-checked, do they still have to look at your? genitals with the machine and or pat you down because I always opt out and let them touch me instead of looking at me through the radiation machine. Oh, that's smart.

No, I always just go through the thing because I want the least amount of problems possible, but that's like a problem I've dealt with in therapy for a long time. Right. But I think it's hard for me because last time they had to check like up in my groin area. And so they went to go press up and I just went, I couldn't stop myself from going like, you. And I kept making noises and to the point that the point of the brain area. to the point that the woman was like, ma'am, can you please stop? I'm sorry.

It's hard not to make jokes. You're doing the thing. You know, it's their fault. I don't know. They're getting up in it. Her hand was between the fold of my vagina and my fat thigh. Like that's where her hand was. How do I not make a joke?

Right. And they ask you before they pat you down, they're like, yeah, so I always opt out of the rapiscan and they always have the script and they're like, are there any sensitive areas of your body? And it's just like, it always, I'm like, I mean. My vagina? Like, all of it?

As strange, you're touching my body? Yeah, every second of it. Especially when they're like, don't worry, we're going to use the back of my hand. It's like, I'd rather you use the front of your hand. I think I'd rather than you pawing at me as if, I don't know. I just imagine it's some sort of nub that's rubbing up against all of my stuff, man. Now, this is a question I have. And maybe this will just disgust to both of you

Do they move your penis over? No, no. When I go into the scanner, maybe let's say I'm having like a gross like ass day. Do they see that? How gross is your ass? Like if I have a skid mark or something? Is your ass?

How gross is your ass? Like if I have like a skid mark or something? Like do they see that I'm how he's having a bad, a bad butt? I totally thought you were going to talk about a half hard not a skid mark. Yeah. No, I mean I don't know.

I'm never at all around. That's the least arousing place ever forever in this history of ever is probably the TSA security line. Wait, are you, but so wait, you're wondering if they could see, wait a second, hold it McNeely. If you're tired of skin marks. Your fuddies aren't clean. I'm sweaty and, I don't know, do they see like body fluids? They see like a pee stain? Can they see that?

What are you coming all over your ass? No. Not that they're not that. there's a bunch of shit in my ass. You know what I mean? If I've got like a, it's a swampy day. I don't even know if they could see

a bunch of shit in your ass. Yeah, even if I had a bunch of shit in my ass, you don't think they could see it. If it was shaped like a gun made. Let's just get down to it. If there's a bunch of shit of my ass because I didn't wipe properly because they see the shit.

I think, I don't think so. I don't think they get. A little brown doesn't pop up. You know that there's going to got to be some, I'm sure we have one listener who is a TSA. Yeah, I want a TSA to please let us. To chime in and be like, What judgments can you make about my body based on the scanner and, like, have my hygiene and stuff?

Yeah. I always flex my arms when they're up, though, to make it look like. I don't know why I always, like, flex them, like, with, like, this flex them. Why? To make me seem more strong? I don't know why. So they're scanning and they're like, ooh, look at those biceps. You know what?

She looks fatter than she actually is. That's what I hope that they think. That's another thing, too, is can they see through my clothes to the point? Like, can you see the shape of my body that I wear high-wasted skirts? so you can't see how fat my belly is? I think, yeah. There's definitely been articles that are like, the TSA people are like laughing at your,

we should look it up. There was a headline like the TSA agents are laughing at your body. And it's like they can see everything. So your question about shit stands is we're laughing at it, but it might actually be a real question. Might actually be a real thing. Oh no. Yeah.

My folds. Yeah, but that's why you gotta just let them grope you with the back of your hand. Are you doing that to make a statement? Are you doing that because it really makes you uncomfortable to like be seen in that way. Yeah, it's a statement. It's a statement. Statement, right?

Yeah, you don't get to see my body. I refuse to concede it. But also, like, some activists who I, like, respect so much, also got TSA pre-checked because they were like, you know what? They're going to find out everything about us anyway. Just give them the information. They already have all the information. They have all the way.

I was talking about this beanie baby kiwi bird that I loved. And I've, because I've been seeing these Thai, like, plushy beanie booze everywhere that's a kiwi bird. And every time I see it, I go, oh, my God. But I'm not going to spend money on a stuffed animal because I don't need any more stuff in my life. And then I told Jeff all about my kiwi bird. And then again, now I just keep getting, I'm already getting ads for Beanie Baby Baby Kiwi Birds, which I'm a 33-year-old woman.

I don't need ads for a Beanie Baby Kiwi Bird, but also say Beanie Baby Baby Baby Baby Baby Kee Bird, seven times fast. It sucks to say. It sucks to hear it. It sucks to hear it much less than it. It sucks to hear it much less say. Oh, God. That sucks to hear it. It's just terrible.

Yeah, right? It just sucks to hear it. Be the baby Kiwi bird. Say it. Say it. You mean the ones with the big eyes that they sell at Dwayne Reed? Yeah. Jackie just get one.

No, growing up. They're like four bucks. They are. Well, they're more like 10. They're 10 bucks. You can put it in your room. This is the thing I wish that we, at this point, all right, fine. If you're going to listen to what I say and give me advertisements space of it,

can we find some system for? for when I've already bought the thing to not fucking add me on it. Yeah, just buy another kitchen island. Yeah. You seem to love kitchen islands. Yeah. It's like, come on, give me the new stuff.

I'm talking about new items that I'd like to purchase. You know what I mean? Like, give me that stuff. What? So it says TSA, I'm reading one of these many articles about how TSA laughs at your naked body.

And I guess there's an insider's TSA dictionary. And it says one of the first terms I learned from the fellow male TSA officers at O'Hare. Oh, no, that's where we're going. Was Hotel Papa, which is code language for an attractive female passenger, hotel standing for hot, and Papa, for, well, use your imagination. Papa? Papa? Is that pussy?

Papa, does that mean pussy? I thought Papa meant potato. So in my head, in my head, it means hot potato. Hot, woman, hot potato. Woman, hot potato. Oh, oh, don't get your hands on them. Don't get caught grabbing. Is it because you don't want to get caught grabbing on her?

I don't understand. They say use your imagination, but I can't. I'm using it and I can't. I'm using it and I can't. Papa, I mean, unless it's like a daddy thing, which you know, man, talk about the Witcher. Wait, Molly, have you watched The Witcher? Nah, Gideon's watching The Witcher, but he said that he thought that I wouldn't like it and I trust him. I will say I go in and out of paying attention, but the times I am paying attention,

it is because Hachi fucking Amachi, you, Mama, me. Here I come again. Henry Cavill is, he is essentially a dark man's magic, more magical bad boy Legalis who is jacked. And he also likes to fuck. Essentially that's it. Essentially that's also like he fights and there's all this like other world building and blah blah blah but my God.

I'm going to climb him like a tree and I want to, I'm going to gash my name into the side of his bark. Molly is an old man Legless equal sign thirst trap for you. You know, I fell asleep during Lord of the Rings in high school

and I've never tried again. No, that's not true. I tried one time shortly after Gideon and I had met. He was like, shall we watch Lord of the Rings? And I was like, oh God. And I think I probably fell asleep that time too. So I know what Legolas looks like, but I can't speak to Even Orlando Blue, it's Orlando Bloom, right?

Yeah, he doesn't jostle you, you would say. I don't like his long elf hair. Well, there you go. I don't think it's going to work out. Whoa. Let me pull up Harry Cavill is Witcher and you can tell me what you think, okay? I mean, at least, and I'm not usually into the jickey jacked type, but man, a lot.

You're into Jason Momoa. What do you mean you're not into the jickey? Oh my God, we have this talk about Jason Momoa with the Golden Globes. He's the cute little big puppy boy. I love Jason Momoa. doing anything for you? Oh, God, no, absolutely not. He does look like Legolas, though. The Legolas hair

is not... None of that. No. Yeah, but he has a really bad deep voiced accent where he talks like this, and he must kill the... And I want to turn it into a drinking game of every time they say the word destiny, you have to take a drink. Because they say the word destiny in every third sentence.

It is his destiny. And also the lesser of two. evils. The last sort of two evils and his destiny. And so I was just taking shots of milk while I watched it. Really hurt my stomach, but it was worth it. Can you at least tell us what about this does not do anything for you? I struggle to explain my complete lack of interest in fantasy because I like, as a child, I liked to read. I like creativity. And yet if you use the phrase world building to me, I'm like, shut up! I just like don't want it. I don't know why I don't want.

But what about the lesser of two evils, Molly? Also, it does nothing for me. And this guy, he's just a, he looks like Fabio. What about that area? I'm circling the dimples. Is it a bulge? Are you pointing at his bulge? There's a picture of him in a hot tub,

some sort of medieval hot tub probably, and Holden is circling his chest. It does not, it's just, Jackie, this is exactly your type. You're like this isn't my type. Long-haired, muscular. Older man. Daddy man.

Daddy who's like all sweaty and covered in dirt is exactly your type. Oh my God, but you should watch him fight. Oh my God. He kills so many people at one. Yes, he can. He's very strong. That's Yinnifer from the show. She's a sexy witch woman.

That's how you do it. How do you build a world? I don't know. Make it Jennifer, but put a yuh in the front. Yeah, there you go. That is what world building is like. It's like, oh, in this world, everything is in the North. Yolden.

Yolden and Yaki. Yes, exactly. Wizard and the Bruiser is getting into the whole the Witcher thing, but that's why Jeff is like, you don't understand. He put all the work into it, because apparently Henry Cavill, like, did all the reading for it, like really got into the, like, played the PC game, really got into the character, really learned about the world before he jumped into it. But still then, why?

Does he talk like this? Because everybody in fucking world building fantasy talks funny for no reason. Why are half of them British and half of them aren't? Right. I do. That does drive me crazy. Like, who makes the decisions in terms of what dialect they're using? It is a made-up world.

This struck me, I love Star Wars. I like Star Wars. Interesting. What are you about to, you're about to make some enemies right now? I know. No, no, no. Listen, my reception outro song at our wedding was Star Wars, was a series. Star Wars theme. So I think that I am not...

You tolerate it. You compromised is what you're saying. You want your now as good. I choose that. But I'm saying that no Star Wars people can come at me for this. No, the only thing was that why does Daisy Ridley have a British accent? And John Boyega, who is also British, doesn't have a British accent. It just hit me like a Tate of Briggs when I was watching the Rise of Skywalker. It doesn't make any sense. Are they... And that's not really like, it's more like in Lord of the Rings where everybody's British for... confusing reasons.

But if it is a fantasy, people have to talk like this. Lord of the Rings everybody's British. I think mostly because, like, J.R. Tolkien is British. And I think that it's his source material. And he definitely based different races of like the elves and everything are based on different historical groups of people and stuff. How about George R.

Martin though? But yeah, that gets different. That dude used to teach him my hometown. Dubuque, Iowa. He's not British, or at least maybe he is. That's Star Wars, I 100% agree with you. The Witcher, well, The Witcher is Polish, is a Polish series of books. So I could see that too.

It's my people, yes. It's her people. That's why Jackie loves her people. And she wants her people to sort of grab her and lift her above them and sort of just start somehow having sex in that position. I will say, I did like his dark materials a lot, and that is very world-building. I'm reading that right now. And it's very fantasy and it's very British.

but it makes sense because they're at Oxford. Yeah, and I think it makes statements about religion and things like that that are a little bit more compelling for a person that doesn't just want pure high fantasy without any. I mean, I will say Lord of the Rings. There's all these World War II analogies. Check out what's in the Brewser are. Two-Party on.

Jared Tolkien's Lord of the Rings. If you'd like to hear more about that. But yeah, there's a little bit more, I think, basis in something more compelling to you as a reader. Like, I don't know why I don't like it. Again, I like reading, I like creativity, I like, I just, there's something, and I remember reading Redwall as a kid and really liking Redwall, but like there's just something about, like I watched, we watched the,

Gideon watched the Dark Crystal 10 episode series on Netflix, and he was like, you love puppets, you love puppets so much, won't you watch it? And I was like, we watched the trailer, and I was like, I'm sorry, I can't do it. But then, but I did, because I love puppets, so much. We did watch the making of the Dark Crystal documentary and I love that. I just don't want to go into the whole world. The world. It's a tiring. This is the problem is that you don't see. This is the difference with you and Jackie. While you're watching, you're not imagining having sex with all. I want to have sex with every character. I want to have sex with every single character. And they are all in The Witcher. It's very sexual. They all are sexy. And I'm not a spoiler alert, Jackie. You're going to get to see Jennifer's breasts. You, you, you, you, you. See? This is the difference.

If I said that to you, you'd be like, is it exploitative? You know what I mean? That's different. I just love to watch sex happen. Which is also why I mean, we talked about this on Talking TV, which is why I'm loving my journey

into six feet under. But Molly, I guess that's my question. Molly, have you watched six feet under? I have not watched six feet under. Oh, okay. It is the right amount of sexy and great acting and great story for me. And morbidity.

Yes. It's a great mixture. I think that you would dig it, but there's also the just-the-right amount of sex because it is hard for me. I do need to watch things that have at least a good amount of sex in them. Well, I just started watching you, and I know this isn't talking TV, but I just started watching season one of you,

and there is a lot of sex, but it's very disconcerting. It's very upsetting sex. It's so upsetting. Oh, yeah, yeah. I got through almost all of the first season of you, and I haven't gotten to the second season yet. I know I need to do it, but it's, you know, I just, I kind of fell off because I didn't like the main girl

than the first one. And not that she was even, I just didn't like how she was written. Yeah, I did not like how she was written either. But my first question when I was watching the first episode was this written by a man or a woman. And that's not necessarily the all-defining thing, but I feel like she is written, whatever the gender of the person who wrote that character,

she has written like a very simple woman in a way that I think that most women are not that simple. Even women you don't like, they're not that simple. They're not that simple. Speaking of, which I think it's how what we are going to learn after we watch the Goop Lab. Oh, I guess. Even though, speaking of simple women. Most women aren't that simple.

Queditheltro. I just, you know, I woke up yesterday and I saw all of, oh, I've been tagged in a bunch of times. And I saw the poster of Goop laying like a baby in a crib, like a vaginal, crib on the poster and I mean yeah what the fuck is this so angry I went to a thousand I was so angry and like if it was if if goop was single-handedly like pioneering like some sort of destigmatization around vaginas that could be cool but instead it's like somehow it's like the opposite it's like she's making vaginas worse somehow because she's like put weird shit in it and like that's not what you're supposed to do if you guys haven't checked it out please

look up, Gwyneth Paltrow's The Goop Lab, which is a new Netflix series that is coming out pretty soon. And it is essentially, I think what I hate about it most is that it is just her website, but in a television program. So it's like, okay, well, maybe they're not getting enough from the website. So why don't you look at this television show where we force you to watch people use said products that most of them, I'm sure some of them work, but a lot of it is woo-woo bullshit that you pay lots and lots of money for that I feel like the entire thing I will say and maybe I'm just being too cynical it seems like it's all a scam to get as much money out of people as possible and you know what these are their own money it's like it's

their own money they can do with it what they will I get that but don't valid this is my big one that I draw the line I was talking to Molly about this before I draw the line at psychics I think they take advantage of people's grief and it made me like immediately furious when I saw that. Like, please, stick to the vagina stones. I don't know. Like, whatever.

If you're goofy enough to... Give it with her UTIs all over the damn country, but don't bring in a second. But don't take advantage of people's grief. Damn it. She had to pay $145,000 in fines because of the unsubstantiated claims made about the Jade Vaginal Eggs

that she still pushes on her website. So then all these things, like, you have to know. first before you convince other people to do these things. And I just think, I understand that some people really truly believe in it. And I guess if you believe in it and it works for you, good for you. I just don't like, Molly, I love you. You are one of my best friends.

Wow, there is something. You're happy. I know. I'm not going to sit a room with my legs up with no panties on, my legs up on a desk, us staring at each other's pussies. I am excited. I'm not going to do it. I don't want to do that.

I'm excited for the group orgasm classes because it looks hilarious. I don't want to orgasm in the same room as either one of you guys. No, I'm glad that we're all on the same page about that. No, none of that, absolutely not. And also, though, can we talk about the fact that Guadeth Poutre looks like she's had a lobotomy

in the trailer? What are you talking about, Molly? But, like, I think she's trying to present herself as, like, more relatable because she's, like, sitting in a chair. And saying the F word. Yeah, she's swearing. But she just has the same, like, stony plastered, like, smile on her face as if she has, like, as if her brain is gone.

I just, it's just, I would not follow her anywhere. Is that where Goob takes us where we, last episode, the importance of lobotomies? Yeah, try a lobotomy. It really clears your mind. You know what? You definitely would be relaxy-taxie for the rest of your fucking line. Maybe just get an ice pick to the center of your eye. And then you don't have to worry about anything anymore.

$250,000 ice pick. Drive it right through your skull. That sounds great. She reminds me of Hal from 2001 of Space Odyssey. What are you talking about, Dave? You know, I don't know. I don't want to listen to you. You're a computer that's going to take over my body.

That's the thing, too. Another, it's like, I made a joke earlier about TSA, creating a robot version of yourself. And it really does seem like she has created a robot version of herself. so that she can sit at home. And I'm going to say maybe there is a real Gwyneth Paltrow doing like crystal meth in an apartment somewhere

because she created a version of herself to go get the meth money. She's able to just hang out with her meth buds in a big weird apartment somewhere with no furniture in it. Go for all. I would say that. Good for all.

Get it. Go for all. Get it. It's true that she seems inhuman, but also she seems like she's trying. The thing that annoyed me most was that she seemed like she was trying to present herself as like,

cool. Like you said, she's swearing casually. It's like, hello fellow teenagers. Yes, exactly. She's like, oh, I've never looked at my own vagina. Ha ha ha ha ha. Especially that line when she just says, what the fuck are you doing to people? Naked in a room with a bunch of women. I don't know if I have the guts. The way she said it, I was like, ah, you don't because you're a robot. I will say that it is weird. It made me think of a conversation I had recently. Maybe it was on stream. about how I have never actually. It's a weird thought.

I don't think I've ever seen my own. You don't look at your dick? No, I've seen my dick and it's easy to see that. Passed as long as I lose. Depends to how much weight. Moo in the mirror, yeah. But I have a body that I've lived in all my life and I've never seen some of it.

I don't think I've ever seen my own butthole. You know what I mean? And that's a weird thought. And somebody was like, you should. You should look at your own butt hole at some point. And I'm kind of terrified. I feel like it'll be. like seeing, it'll be like unlocking

the Holy Grail in Raiders of the Lost Dark like my face will melt off if I look too far deep into it. Yeah. My fear is that it wasn't until I looked at my own butthole when I was just like, why would people bleach their assholes and then you look at your butthole and you're like, oh, that's why.

That's why people see. I get it now. So can you pay this scenario for me? Not with too much detail, but how did you go about looking at your own butthole? I was just looking. I see, I do look. I will say. You had an extra mirror? How do you do it? How do you look at your mirrors?

You layer the mirrors. When you have a vagina, you spend, I would say, at least years, like, from the age that you're like 16, somebody's always telling you to grab a hand mirror and look at your vagina. I don't know. Who's telling me? But I feel like someone's always telling me, Cosmo, you know, like, it's like, grab a hand mirror, you know? You got to look at your pussy.

Yeah. So you're always being told to take a mirror and look. That makes more sense to me, though, than the but hole a little bit, even though, even though I get it for all of it because it's like, it's your body. You should know what it looks like. I will say, though, favorite scene in Big Mouth ever. Favorite scene is when the girl

looks at her own vagina with the hand mirror and it's Kristen Wigg plays the vagina, right? It's so funny. If you were going to watch, have you seen Big Mouth? If you're going to watch one single scene, that is hilarious. I think you should watch Big Mouth.

Especially with kids now too. I think it is to remember those moments of like, man, that's why it is so well-written where it's like, I remember feeling that. I remember feeling that. I remember being there and it's all about puberty. It's really, it is a fun watch. Yeah, Molly, Molly, how do you plan to deal with a middle age,

or I'm not middle age, a pubescent child? I mean, yeah, I have no idea. That age is like, I feel like the thing about middle school is that it's like when you talk to adults about middle school, it's like the one age that like everybody remembers because it's such a like very intense. Especially because it's horrible. It's a boy. Both my kids are girls.

Oh, they're both. Both girls, why don't think the first one was a boy? I'm terrible. I'm so sorry. Where have you been? I know. I'm so stressed out about the prospect of having kids. I make it a point to not know anything about the ones around me.

Well, yeah, I mean, I, yeah, I feel like middle school, like that time is, like, if you talk to other adults about what they remember from childhood, a lot of people don't really remember childhood that well, or they might, like, willfully forget it, or, like, they might, like, remember. or high school, they might like have, but like I feel like everybody has either visceral memories in middle school or is like, I have purposely blocked it out, you know, because it's like such an intense time. Worst years of my life still. Yeah. Pretty much. There's a couple in there that compare, but I mean, I remember being just miserable from morning

till night for six, seven, eighth grade. Oh, yeah. Pretty much. Yeah. It's something I definitely think about because it's like, how do we, how can we set up people for success during this incredibly objective. Where they have to, the only way to do it is for them to fall on their face like about a thousand times in very public situations. Right. It's just something you have to grow through.

Going on like your first like awful date? I don't think I actually went on a date until college. I'm pretty sure. A real date. Like a date date. Yeah, I don't think. But like his dark material is actually is interesting for that too because it like locates like this change in you at puberty. And it's like, you know, I feel like it's the, there is just no graceful way to go from being a kid to being like a young adult.

Like you just have to do it. And like it's going to be like such a jarring experience like no matter what you do. But also I think that a lot of things in our society aren't setting kids up for success and support during that time. But like, which is, you know, I remember reading Cosmo. and shit like that when I was a kid and being like, I don't know, I don't understand my body. Well, yeah, and again, Cosmo is what, Cosmo gives a heart, maybe not anymore,

but when we were teenagers, Cosmo gave the worst advice. Always telling you to eat a mango before doing a beege. Yeah, you eat a mango, and then also the cinnamon altoids. You have cinnamon altoids in your mouth when you're giving a bege, which is not the case. And also telling you to eat pineapple all the time, so that your body, you know,

take a pineapple while looking at your own vagina. Get a hand mirror, get a pineapple, get a mango. And that's why Goop is now here to tell us what we should and should not do with our vaginas. But then this is where I felt bad while I was watching the Golden Globes over the weekend. I was watching what Goop was wearing. Now, Goop had on this sheer curtain-esque type outfit

where you could see her entire body. I mean, her body is insane. Then why do I feel? about her. Meanwhile, I look at J-Lo, and in my brain, J-Lo can do no wrong. And I look at her, I'm like, God damn, that woman is 50. She is so fucking tight, I will follow her off the edge of a cliff. And then I've got Goop. And she's 47. She's also very tight. And I look at her, I'm just like, she's setting horrible standards for women. She's telling us what we can and cannot do. And I feel such a divide between the two of them. And then I felt guilty about how I feel about Goop.

And I think it's maybe it's because J-Lo doesn't tell me what I should be and how to live my life. Yeah, totally. Yeah, and the thing about Goop is that she's pretending like she's one of us and she's not. J-Lo is just like, I'm Jennifer fucking Lopez. I look awesome. I'm not going to, like, give you my beauty secrets because my beauty secrets is that I'm Jennifer Lopez. I've been blessed with incredible jeans and an extraordinary amount of money and a life that has, like, led me to be able to, like, maintain looking really fucking awesome. She is Jenny from the block.

did come from real shit. Yeah, that too. That too, for sure. I think that is a lot, that goes a long way as well, whereas Gwen is she used to have a little, but now she has a lot. Yeah. At least she knows where she came from. Yeah. That's a totally good point. Like that makes J-Lo extra endearing, but even other famous people aren't as annoying as Gwyneth Paltrow because Gwyneth Paltrow's thing is like, oh, I know what it's like to be a busy mom and go in grocery shopping. And it's like, no, you don't. No, you don't. Meanwhile, her parents are also Hollywood royalty as well. So it's not, she grew up with money too, which just because you grow up with money doesn't mean that, like, get it the fuck out of my face, I don't want to know you, I don't want to be friends

with you. It's just, when you try and be like, I'm on your level, you're not, and you never have been. And that's okay. Which is fine. Yeah. Yeah. There's nothing wrong with it. Life isn't fair, yada, yada, yada. Also, just quick side bear. Molly, sidebar, sidebar, sidebar, sidebar, sidebar. Molly, watch my side. Watch. Watch my side. It's all about this stuff. I'm sorry. I'm being the side bear. Side bear. Side bear. Side bear over. Give me a salmon. Oh my god, there's a bear by my side.

A little bear is like, watch parasite. Watch parasite. Got any honey? Oh, that's just Ed Larson. My side bear is Ed Larson. I just had a memory that Ed once said he stopped eating bananas because people kept making fun of them. But we did. Every time he walked into a meeting,

he would come in with a banana and we're like, oh, here comes a big old gorilla. He can't even open that banana. His hands are too hairy to open the banana. He did it for a good reason. We made fun of him into not eating bananas around us. I just see what he was so sad about. He's like, I stopped eating bananas in front of people.

Everybody made fun of it. Gotta stop eating bananas. Can't even eat up a piece anymore. I even enjoy a healthy snack. That's, I'm sorry, I was also just reading a headline because then it's things like this that she tries to be, and I know that Gwenyth Balthro is fairly open about her Kinks and her sex life.

And I do appreciate things like that. But now she says, she jokes around that now her husband has finally moved in with her. And she's like, so our sex life is over. I thought it was really interesting how resonant that was for people. One of my best friends was like, that is my dream. Don't ever move in.

I think it certainly helps with preserving mystery and also preserving the idea that this person has their own life. So this is something I'm trying to remain aware of now as we merge together. It's just even like saying it's the- merge. She says it. Yeah. I will say too, resonant and this really resonates.

Having been through acting school, I will always hate that word. It really resonates like with, like, I would hear that a million times in acting school. And everyone has their own thing. I was talking to a buddy who went to acting school and his thing was, can I piggyback off of that? Like everybody, like, everybody just decided that was a thing that everyone said every class for some reason because, like, everybody has to get on one weird word together. But for me, it was resonating. That really resonates with me when you pissed yourself while crying while rolling around on the floor. That does right.

But you know what resonates with me? Looking at the pictures of Mariah Carey swimming in a hot tub in a sequin dress. I just saw this headline on page six. The headline is simply Mariah Carey goes swimming in sexy sequin dress. You open it up and it is her in a hot tub in a sequin dress in the Dominican Republic. and she just shared these pictures. And I don't know why she's in the hot tub with a secret. In fact, it reminds me of that TRL or the, not TRL, the, what is it,

when they show the houses, celebrity homes is, you come into my homes. Crabs. MTV Cribs. When she got into the hot tub in, wrapped in her towel with a dress on. So this is actually more scary, I feel like than anything. It's crucially a long sleeve dress. When you told me about it, I was like, yeah, getting it on top

and a little short spaghetti strap dress, not that far off from a swimsuit. This is definitely a long-sleeve dress, which seems different. It's a long-sleeve wrap dress. Yeah, it would feel, I feel like uncomfortable at best. Because if there's one thing I learned from love,

actually, it's that you take all your clothes off before you get in the water, inexplicably. But people are wearing normal clothes and they have to go in the water. They always take all their clothes off. I've never understood it. Including bras and underwear. I think it's because it weighs you down.

She's also in a hot tub. Just want to throw it out there. Oh yeah, she's in a hot tub, but in this article, it says that she, this is the dress that she was wearing the night before on New Year's Eve while watching a fireworks display with her twins. So maybe this is just the next morning and maybe she's hammered off her goose's, but I'm not sure. Yikes. Kids, let's go to the hot tub. Let's get the hot tub. I'm not taking off my dress.

Don't worry about me, none. But we do need to talk about the Golden Globes a little bit. bit here. Ricky Jervase was the fifth time host of the Golden Globes this year, and he pissed people off, which is kind of his job. Yes, which I am always a fan of watching very upset people at a fancy award show. That is something I do enjoy, I have to say that. And I got to, I love the British office more than life itself, and I got to say I cannot stand Ricky Jervais's thing of like, I'm, I find him to be absolutely insufferable, but it's painful to say that

because I love the British office, so I do too, I love it, love it, love it. And I'm all for pissing off celebrities and rich people, but he's doing it in this, like, contrarian-ass way that I think is really obnoxious. Well, and sometimes that's why it is, it goes so far the other way. Now, Molly, do you ever watch an idiot abroad? No.

See, I think that's what made me like Ricky Jervais more is because there's a show called an idiot abroad. It was on Netflix for a long time. I think it might still be on Netflix. And it's a travel show where they make, but I think since it is his thing of being a dickhead, he's like their friend Carl Pilkington goes traveling, but he doesn't like to leave his home.

So he never knows what he's about, like he thinks he's going to a country to do something. Yeah, they force him into these like horrible positions in a traveler's way. Uh-huh. Which I think is very funny, but I also know it's not for everybody. But the thing is that certain things that Ricky Jervais said, which I was mouth agape about when every, that's where the Tom Hanks meme is coming from.

where people keep seeing this picture of Tom Hanks looking kind of upset. It was to this line, when Ricky Jervais said in the opening monologue, you say you're woke, but the companies you work for, I mean, unbelievable, Apple, Amazon, Disney. If ISIS started a streaming service, you'd call your agent, wouldn't you? So if you do win an award tonight, don't use it as a platform to make a political speech. You're in no position to lecture the public about anything. You know nothing about the real world. Most of you spent less time in school than Greta Thunberg.

So if you win, come up, accept your little award, thank your agent and your God, and fuck off, okay? And that's what he said, which the thing is, I'm not going to say I don't agree with him, but it is just a little where it's like you did say yes and you are also getting paid lots of money to do this. And I feel like it's a little pot call in the kettle black. And also now is not the time for it. Ricky Trevace is such a reactionary. His thing is, like ever since Trump got elected, admittedly, award shows have been people being like, hashtag resistance. And for sure, that's like, I get the, like, it's annoying. Like, there is a case to be made that a bunch of rich people being like, I'm going to speak vaguely about a liberal cause.

Like, there was something, I can't remember what Nicole Kibben said when she won for Big Little Lies, but it was like, I'm so glad I could bring attention to the issue of domestic violence. It was something that was just like, oh, don't even try. Don't let's not. Yeah, that's why I half agree with what it, because there was a Emmys one year where it was like literally every person got up. And you could tell like they were told they needed to make a statement of some kind. It really felt like that. And that's when I start getting cynical or it starts feeling cynical.

Yeah, but the thing about that is that honestly I'd rather have people like trying to be like, I think it's good that like we're talking about racism and sexism now. and like the Me Too shit, as opposed to Ricky Jervase, who is a complete reactionary, he's a transphobe, he's like a, he's so conservative. And so his anti-woke thing isn't like, you're all rich and you are like privileged and that's why you shouldn't speak.

His thing is just like, I hate the fact that people are like trying to talk about shit in a like more meaningful way now. Like he is just such a, like, be, it also doesn't it feel kind of retro being like anti, it just feels like kind of, Ricky Jervase, she just feels kind of old fashioned, you know? I think it's barely old fashioned,

but then, On the other hand, he did say this about James Corden. The world got to see James Corden as a fat pussy. He was also in the movie Cats, but no one saw that. And I thought that was pretty funny. But I do agree with what he was saying. I also don't think that this is, if you're going to, like, lean into it. Lean into it.

You're being the host. Again, if he was donating all the money that he made to do this show to a charitable cause, I guess go ahead and say whatever the fuck you're going to say. But he didn't. And it's just like, you're just also don't shoot these people down. That's what they want to say. It's what they want to fucking say. Yeah.

I mean, I guess I think that, right, I think that, like, pointing out, like, rich celebrities being hypocrites is cool. But I feel like people like Ricky Jervase's criticism comes from, like, when you think about, like, how Hollywood has changed in the last few years, it's that, like, a bunch of people started naming, like, sexual assalters. And a bunch of people were like, hey, you should consider, like, nominating women for things. And, like, also, like, nominating black people for things. And that's what Ricky Jervase is react.

to, you know what I mean? Like, there's a lot of other annoying things that celebrities do. But I feel like Ricky Dervais is like, oh, can we stop talking about these things? He at least did call out the, uh, which I'm going to call out for being racist and the national Hollywood press. The HFPA. Yeah, yeah, whatever, which I, it is. Hollywood foreign press association.

It is fucking atrocious that no female directors were nominated this year. This is the most glaring year, I think, for that issue specifically. Right. Where it's like my favorite movie. of my favorite movies of the year were directed by women. There's no reason why any one of them, like, I don't know. It just doesn't make any sense. It feels like, I remember in like 2010 there was like an article that was written by some

guy that was like, I spent my whole life thinking women aren't funny. And now I'm starting to think that maybe I'm wrong. And it's just like, bra, like catch up, you know? Like, this is the year 2010. You should have figured this out by now. You know, and I feel like that's like to still have another year where like women aren't nominated, it's like, man, it is. It is not hard to find a good film directed by a woman this year.

It just isn't, you know. But I will say people brought the looks for the Golden Globes this year. Did you look at Joey King's outfit? I like that outfit. I love it. She's also kind of getting ripped apart for it because people are like, oh, what is it? Sound waves and oh, what is it? What is the stress?

Look up the picture of it. She looked fucking awesome. Yeah, I think it's cool. It's so weird. It's so different. I really dug it. I like a short dress too. Like the sound waves are cool, but even

if you took the sound waves off, the dress looks cool. And Billy Porter, of course, my God. With the feather, what is it? Pool? The pool behind him? Train. Train is the pool.

I know. I know. I love Billy Porter so much, and I love Pose. I love everything about Pose. And I love everything about Billy Porter. And especially, I was so surprised by Dolomite is my name when I watch it, which I love. I love Dolomites.

I really, really recommend it. But Wesley Snipes's outfit made me. I was like, exquisite me? Do you see the outfit? Yeah, that's a good color. It's like a purple suit, but it's like an old school classic suit. And I don't understand what's happening with the vest. But I do know that I love it just as much as I loved what Jason Mamo was wearing.

He's bringing out those. It crushed the Hunter Green suit jacket. But what gave me pause and what gave the Internet. is when Brian Cox won for Succession, which Succession! I just love Succession. I love everything about of the entire family, and I just wish that they were real,

and I love how they interact with each other. Did you see that he gave Kieran Culkin a kiss on the mouth when he won? Oh, my God. Someone had sent me the link to it, a friend of these shows, nerdy-urdy. She'd sent me the link to him kissing Kieran Culkin, and I just said, yeah, I'd watch that, but I want Jerry in the room while she watches

just jerking off. Sorry, this is a succession joke, Holden, you wouldn't understand. Do you not watch Succession, Holden? Not yet. There's so anything to watch! This is the only thing that I have seen that you haven't seen.

It's do anything! But it's so good. It is... It's so good. There is no other show that makes me just feel so happy every single time I think about it. That's interesting because it's like a richy-rich family.

It's so well done. It's just artfully done. And it makes the rich, it just is excursiating against the rich. Well, it's exactly what I was saying about when I sent out the articles for this week's show because Chet Hanks has this viral video out of him speaking in Patois for no reason. And I was just like, if the, if Tom Hanks could be more like Brian Cox in succession, let's get rid of him. Get him out of the family.

He shouldn't be in the family. He doesn't deserve to be in the family. Yeah, the Chet Hanks speaking Petois thing is absolutely. Absolutely like a totally a succession thing where it's just like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Just shut the fuck up and get out. And as Logan Roy would say, fuck off. Yeah, it's weird too because I read that article you sent

and apparently like he had a bad drug problem and he was doing dumb stuff with the N-word back then and defending it. And then he blamed that on his drug problem. And then you're going to go do this now that you're sober? On the Golden Globes. And then he was, it was a positive message. I guess because he was pro his family

because Tom Hanks won the Sussleby Demil Award, but there was no need for it. And it was very weird that Rita Wilson underneath it commented this is maybe the best laugh of the night on the video of him speaking Ptois for no reason. It's just one of those things where, again, it's like, man, you just get your head out of your ass. You should know that we're not doing this right now.

We shouldn't have done it ever. We're especially not doing it right now. No. It's done. It's a great family. Don't ruin it. But what I really wanted to talk about was Jason Momoa

taking off his jacket in the middle of the Golden Globes because when Brian Coxwalk passed him, I was just like, wait a second. Is he wearing just a... He just had, I don't, they're not, A-line shirt. Tank top.

Tank top. How do I know this? Well, because growing up, I always called the wife-beaters. You can't call wife-beaters anymore. I'm sorry. I forget what they're called now. an a line shirt.

It wasn't okay back when we were doing it and it's especially not okay now. Listen to Molly for two minutes. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I just lost the word.

I lost the word. So he had a tank top on and so it turns out he had taken off his jacket because his wife was cold and he put the jacket on her. But all he had on underneath was a tank top. And he put his hair up in a messy bun and it looked like he was sitting on a beach. And I love Jason Maboa because then there's all these articles of him afterwards, he just kept saying he felt like Julia Roberts and pretty woman at the

Golden Globes. Because it was his first time at the Golden Globes and he was so excited to get so dressed up. He's like a big pit bull puppy. Yeah. Yeah. Jason Mamoa, when you first started talking about him on this show years ago now, I was like, I don't know if I see it.

He's not my type. And now I realize that everything the man does is just extremely charming. It's so, I just can't. Not because she was cold. Did he put the jacket on her? I love him. I love everything. And he's so proud of his family.

I love everything about him. I think it's also the family thing that really gets me going. I love that he loves Hawaii, too. Like, everything that he did for, like, advocacy around, like, indigenous people in Hawaii was really neat. And talk about really trying to enact change of truly being against the use of one-time-use plastic bottles. I mean, we talked about that on the show when he shamed Chris Pratt on Instagram. for drinking out of a one-time use, a single-time use plastic bottle, which is,

it's hilarious. He's actually putting in, he's trying to enact the change he wants to see, and you gotta give him props for that. And I feel like that is nice just because if I had to choose between Jason Mamoa and Chris Pratt, I would choose Jason Mamoa one million times. In a heartbeat, yes. And so it's very nice to have that option to choose

and then to get to choose. And also, we are coming close up here on the list soon, but I did need to mention the fact that now we do all know that Gene Simmons puts ice in his cereal. I was literally about to say I'm so glad we got to the list

without having to talk about this because it makes me so upset and fucked up. First of all, Gene Simmons is fucking sucks. And then also on top, I'm not saying Kiss sucks, but like Jesus is the person

is a piece of shit. And then to see this and be like, oh, this is acceptable on any level or whatever, you know what he mean? Wait, tell the people

what he actually does. Oh, he puts ice cubes in his cereal. It is. I saw Gene Simmons was trending on Twitter and I was like, oh man, did Gene Simmons die? Nope.

The Kiss Singer 70 became the top Twitter trend on Thursday morning after he shared photos of a bowl of cereal with ice cubes in it. And the twit was anyone else

put ice cubes in their cereal? The answer, I don't. I definitely don't. I don't want to shame the man because I will say in the past growing up I used to put ice in my milk because I wanted my milk to be as cold as humanly possible

and I would do little shots of milk with an ice cube in it so that I could stay as cold as possible before the ice cube would melt. What? All right, it's confession. 2020 confession, I used to put ice in my milk. The thing is, if you know the Zabrowski's for long enough, you will hear so many things about their relationship with milk.

Right. That it was the first, one of the first stories I remember hearing Jackie Tell on stage was about her and Henry and how much they love milk so much. I remember one of my first disgusting moments of disgust with Henry and Ed was Henry and Ed, their pastime was on the way home. They would each get their own gallon of milk and then sit in the, because they used to share an apartment in college,

and then they would sit and watch TV or watch a movie and drink the, like, just drink a gallon of milk separately, like, from the straight from the thing. Both of them? Yeah, each. They would each pick up a gallon of milk. That's why Ed is a brother from another mother. Ed really is, he is essentially as a Zabrowski.

So gross. It's so unhealthy. It's so disgusting. Unhealthy. I mean, unhealthy mentally. Not even physically unhealthy. Yes, I will give you that. It's mentally deranged to do that.

It seems unhealthy even if it might be. I think it actually is unhealthy. I mean, technically we're not supposed to as grown mammals. still continue to drink another mammal's milk. But the gallon part is key. Yeah, I think if Ed and Henry were each drinking a glass of milk, I'd let them live. But it's each getting their own a gallon and not even fucking with the cup. And just sitting there watching a movie slamming on a gallon of milk.

It's so gross. Also, I love Gene Simmons' son tweeted, 30 years, 30 years watching him do this. This is my life. That's cute. Oh, it would be so cold. I don't like ice water. I don't like ice in anything. And it's too cold.

And the idea of putting ice in my cereal makes me, like, physically uncomfortable. Yes. Well, it's time for the list, guys. Who's on the list? Jackie! We got to have that list. Well, the thing is I wanted to do this list

about 15 creepiest kids' shows of all time. Ooh. But then I also saw this list that is about the Witcher, 10 things you didn't know about Gerald's body. I'm not going to get into that, but because it is just about how sexy his body is, so it's mostly pictures.

So 15 creepiest kid shows of all time. All right. Because I was getting into, I really started thinking back about shows that scared the shit out as a kid because I started rewatching A Real Monsters, which I loved as a kid, and that is number 15 on the list.

Ah, real, do you guys ever watch A Real Monsters? I was such a Nicktoons person, and I watched so many of the Nicktoon shows, but I never watched Ariel Monsters. I think that you would really, it's just, it's lovable monsters, and that they have to go to Monster School to learn how to scare humans. And so it's kid monsters. I think that Freddie and Zelda would really enjoy it. All right, that's cute.

I think, and also on the list, Ghost Rider, which I forgot that Ghost Rider was creepy. Ghost Rider was fun. Were you into Ghost Rider? Yeah, it was one of those shows that I wouldn't, like, follow, but I definitely would be bored on an afternoon and I'd be like, what's on, hopefully something's on and then I'd be like, cool, Ghost Rider. Yeah, same relationship with it, exactly.

In a recent interview, writer Kermit Frazier revealed that Ghost Rider's true identity was that of a runaway slave during the Civil War who was killed by his owners. What? So that definitely adds a layer of creepiness onto it, so I'll take that. I'll take a gritty reboot of Ghost Rider.

I am very into, and I don't, I've never seen. it before and I'm wondering if either one of you guys have Pepperment Park. Have you guys watched Peppermint Park? Oh my Lord. Yeah, terrifying. It looks very, very scary. It says, I guess it's all puppets. This obscure series was mostly available on home video

and they're guessing that the production took place in a backyard shed due to its extreme low budget slash public access quality. The puppet heads were placed on a body but with human hands, any sensible child-loving parent wouldn't dare let their kids watch this for fear of the evil it could summon. But apparently they're all on YouTube and I think that I'm going to start looking into it because it looks very scary. Of course. And as a puppet, as the resident puppet defender, I have to insist that puppets designed to look exactly like humans are creepy, but that's because that's what dolls are. But this is like this puppet in this shot is like very, very, very scary.

Well, especially with on a human body. I think that's the real kicker is. Because, like, Ernie has human hands. Yes. Operated by a human, but they look like Ernie hands, you know. So it's not inherently creepy. No, no, these are just wearing creepy killer gloves instead. Yeah, it looks like murder gloves.

Yeah. I also never watched The Haunting Hour, which is a, it's an R.L. Stein-based show, and it seems it's like a bump up from goosebumps. So it makes me think of, like, Fear Street, but in a television show? Remember how extremely. extremely horny we both were for Fear Street. Yes, I do. I certainly do.

Now it says if Goosebump's was the Twilight Zone, then the haunting hour was HBO's Tales from the Crypt in terms of harder scares and dark imagery. The reason why I wanted to do this list is because I wanted to remember and see if you guys knew these, but also I wanted to watch, I want to watch these. Yeah. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Especially this one. I'll watch this one. Spoiler alert. Number one is, Are You Afraid of the Dark? And that's because Molly and I went through that period of time where we were re-watching, Are You Afraid of the Dark? And I think we need to get back to those times. Now, Land of the Lost I never got into either.

I mean, it's from 1974. No. Well, see, my sister was older. My sister, we have a much older sister. So we did watch a lot of creepy things from the 70s and 80s. So that's why I'm surprised with things like this that I never got around to it. I remember hearing about Land of the Last, even though it wouldn't have been. been maybe it was on in reruns when I was a kid because I feel like I know about Land of the Lost but I don't think I ever watched it. But also Jim Henson's The Storyteller. Now this one is not

one for you, Molly. I remember watching The Storyteller as a kid and it's another pup, like creepy puppets a la like dark crystal type of thing from Jim Henson. And Jim Henson makes such creepy fucking puppets. It's insane. I don't know how he does it. The 80s were a good time, man. I feel like, Yeah, let's scare them kids a little more. Yeah, we really weren't afraid to terrify the kids back then. Labyrinth. Yeah.

And it's not that it was just like, it wasn't like that movie, well, what's that movie that they just came out with Jacob Tremblay with the kids where it's like bad kids or whatever. Strange? Scared straight? No, it's like, three kids and they're like, oh, we found porn hub. Oh, it's like the whole thing is like, oh, they're kids, but all this gross stuff happens. And it makes me mad because I feel like they're.

there is this idea that we should like have like, that like kids are like too coddled or sheltered. But I feel like it's really that we just gotta give kids more dignity and more like we gotta give them good art, you know? Like the dark crystals like really good art. Yeah. Like I just watched John Mullaney and the sack lunch bunch and it's so fucking good. Oh, is it? I wanna see it.

It's so good. But what I love about it is like the idea of like, what we make for kids shouldn't be dumb. It should be like, it can be dark, it can be scary, but it can be like good. Like they want, they can handle things that are like real. And not just for the sake of being outrageous. Like, oh, kids saying gross shit, which is what that movie that I can't think of the name of is.

But like being like, oh, yeah, kids are afraid of death. That's why we all love Mr. Rogers so much. Exactly. Someone that talks to us like an adult, but in more like simple versions so that they can understand. Which is why I love that we grew up with shows like Erie Indiana that's on here, which Erie Indiana was weird as fuck. I loved Renan Stimpy. Renan Stimpy is on this list.

Now, the one that I wanted to ask you guys about and one that I am the most intrigued by, it is a BBC show. It's called Jigsaw. Yeah, what the fuck is this? I don't know, man. Before there was Slender Man or the Babaduke, there was Mr. Noseybunk.

Oh. Mr. Noseybunk looks terrifying. Yeah, he's got a big, gross nose. He's a big, giant white face. It looks like it needs to be painted essentially. Like everything is white and these bug eyes peering out from behind this giant bulbous ball nose thing. Oh my God. It's the nostrils that really drive it.

It's the nostrils. It looks like the type of image where you see it and then you look around the other people with you and you're like, do you see that thing over there? And they're all like, what thing? Yeah. You know? And it's behind you. It's like Captain Howdy. Yes.

I feel like he's right behind me. And so Jigsaw was a children's entertainment puzzle show. that had a variety of different segments that mixed live action and animation, sprinkling in fantasy and bizarre characters along the way. I must see this. Mr. Nosey Bunk might be one of the creepiest things I've ever seen, and I'm mad that it's not number one on the list

because I don't think that goosebumps and or Are You Afraid of the Dark is scarier than that face. Than that one image. Yeah. But I will say, when I rewatch Are You Afraid of the Dark, last Halloween, it is definitely scary. They really did not, you know, They did not hold back that much.

And also, I'm so glad they have a picture of Gary because when I was watching, Are You Afraid of the Dark? My husband looked at Gary and was like, is that me when I was a kid? It looks just like your husband. It looks just like he looked like when he was that age. So shout out to Gary for being the young version of my husband.

Hell yeah. And also they are remaking Are You Afraid of the Dark currently. And you know what? I hope they do it just as creepy as they used to be. Sure. Yeah. Don't pull back, you know. And again, don't be like not,

you should be age appropriate. but also it's like, yeah, it's just like give kids the respect to like make really good high quality art for them. Man, watch John Mullaney and the sack lunch bunch. It is so fucking good. Okay. It is so good. You will just feel good the whole hour. You will just feel so terrific.

Like when it ends, you will just feel like you just have a big old smile on your face. Hell yeah. Oh. Oh. Speaking of creepy. Oh. Oh. I mean, he doesn't want to scare strangers more in 2020.

My word, when the cones in my eyes refuse to see colors, does that mean a deranged horror has implicated me in some sort of cruel, existential game? Did you say cone? I swear, I cannot feel or breathe or think I am so paralyzed by my own happening. I think I'm going. Color blood. Like a dog. Yep, just like a dog.

And we can see you, unfortunately. That's right. It's blind items. Fear them and weep. So, Jackie was saying before this had been kind of a slow normal newsweek. I was like it was a bit of a slow blind item newsweek. So bear with me on these clunkers.

Hell yeah. Ooh, I'm so excited. They're just clunks. It's just a clunk. I just got rid of another Bradley Cooper is, we know he's gay. I deleted it. I was like, it was one of them.

And I was like, I'm not going to say this one outlaw. Let him be gay. Let it be secretly gay. Yeah, it's fine. Did I ever tell you guys on the show that during my C-section, they turned on shallow? No, they do. Wait, what?

The song? Just to be shush, shush, shah. While I was in the operating room, one of the nurses was like, Does anyone mind if I played music? And I was like, nope. Please. And then on the playlist, it was shallow.

Can you not hear it now without thinking of your stomach being cut open? It makes, I can't think, I obviously can't hear Bradley Cooper's date without thinking of it. I mean, it's, I didn't even, I hadn't even remembered it until like six days after being home. And then I was like, wow, that happened. They played shallow during the birth of my child. You're far from the shallow now, though. Yep, you're far from it. Okay, here we go.

this rapper slash actor slash professional feudor doesn't have the kind of money he wants everyone to think he dropped on a hugely expensive car he's leasing it for just two months what just enough time for pictures

and to make you think he has more money than he does oh no so it's an actor rapper more rapper than anything else and a feudor more rapper and professional feudor really Nick Cannon

no Eminem no Around what generation are we talking about around emm. He's older school. He's like, he's old school a little bit. Jay-Z.

No, Jay-Z's got lots and lots of money. He's like an entrepreneur too. Snoop? No. Wait, fire festival. 50 cents? Yes.

Ah. Wow. Oh yeah, because of all the liquor. All his liquor keeps going under because liquor, I don't even know her. Guys. Fuck off. Ugh.

Fuck you. for that one. Gold News, which I guess is a website, reported that Fitty bought himself a Bugatti Charon for Christmas, a $3 million car, which looks like the fucking Batmobile, by the way. Bugatti be kidding me.

Bugatti, Bugatti, Bugatti, Bugatti. And uploaded a video on socials about it. He said, Merry Christmas, you and your family. Stay positive, stay focused. Go hard 20-20. Boom. Hell yeah.

I do feel. inspired. And you know what? Lease that car, dog. Yeah. Drive it around and be cool. I don't care that you did that. Like... No shame and a lease. Yeah, fuck off with this blind item. I give this blind item two shutups. Whoa. I like it. I like it out of shutups though. Yeah, that's a good, that's a good rating scale that we should have for the blind items. Um, okay, here's another one for your disappointments. Ooh, fun. Considering how many drugs she takes and how much she drinks, being pregnant would be the worst thing for this former tweener turned A-list singer-slash-actress.

Again, more of a singer than an actress, but had a big hit this year. Two of her friends says she is and is trying to decide whether to keep the baby or not. Miley. Zendaya. Neither. Selena? Malie, two for two. You just said Selena.

Gomez. Wow. Two for two. Two for two. Jack, if you get this next one wrong, you have to sit out the next page seven recording. I'm fine with it. To be fair, I only know two former tweener stars, Miley and Selena, so I had a kind of a 50-50 chance.

I will say if you have not listened to Lose You to Love Me, Selena's new song, it's pretty fucking great. Everyone's heard it. Everyone's heard it, but I really love it. You can't get into an Uber without fucking hearing it at this point. I'm sure I've heard it, but I need, like, if I'm not working in a school, like, currently, I feel like I don't have the people who are explaining the pop music to me, you know, and then I hear it.

Once I know it, then I'll be like, every grocery store is playing. Don't worry. I will give it. I love doing this for people. I needed to lose you to love me. To love to love me. To love to love me. I needed to hate you to love me.

Is that really really? Yes, really the song. It's a good song. I'm sure it's a good song. I'm just not saying, oh, that's the one I've been saying. Right. That's what you mean. You would, Rick.

I think you would recognize it if the video is really good for it too. All shutting an iPhone 11. It's all shutting on iPhone 11. That's what it says at the commercial. Yeah. Buy an iPhone 11, Molly, or you're not as cool as the kids you teach. We are not cool. We are not cool.

You know what? You know what? Spoiler alert. I know a lot of people that got that phone. I'm a poor, so I don't have that phone. And everyone's like, but don't you see the different shutters, the different shutter things? I don't see a fucking difference. I'm going insane.

I don't see a fucking difference. Wow. I guess we won't get Apple advertising I got paid seven any time. Oh no, but wait, you can send us all the iPads. Jackie's just standing in an art

museum saying, what's the big deal? I don't see it. Yuck! No, it's not good. I only give that one one shut up. Yeah, okay. It was not as bad as the first one. Yeah, no, it was fun. This one, though, is really going to make you think,

wow, I can't believe blind items are bad this week. This A-List dual-threat actor who does better in television, keyword TV actor, and hunky's hunky and people talk about his big rod. And as someone, all of you know, embarrassed himself last night at a party by getting way too drunk and then Hansy with the wrong woman. Whoa. John Hamm?

Yeah, dog. You're not doing Big 7 next week, Jack. Oh, my God. You're out? I'm out. You're out. All right, I'm out. Okay.

Good luck, and I'll see you'll get, you guys get the information. And Molly, exactly. You get to put the email together next week with all of the research and everything, the hours that Jackie spins preparing for you. All of the work that Jackie does will be replaced by me just linking stories to John Hamm. Because there's only one TV star with a famously huge dick, I think. Yeah, I kind of gave it away pretty quickly. Famously huge about the rock.

He attended the Vanity Fair Amazon Studios and audio. pre-Golden Globes party which just has such a ring that what a party with a ring to it for her name. Last Saturday night with guests including Aquafina cast members

from the marvelous Mrs. Maisel, Natasha Leone and Mini Driver among many others. I have no idea what woman he got Hansy with but those are some of the ladies that were at the party. I don't know.

Who gives us shit? Oh my Lord! I can see again! Yay! He's back! I think my lucky stars that my rods became clear once more. for color to arrive to my dome.

Your rods. Cones and rods. I don't understand cones and rods. I don't either. Is that an electricity thing? Is that like a... No, it's in your eyeballs. A lightning thing?

No, you have cones and rods as well as you see color and depth and stuff. What? What I'm talking about? Take a class. Take a class. As letter kitty would say, Figure it out.

Excuse me? Figure it out. Figure it out. I'll fucking figure it out. Well, I won't figure it out because I don't want to. And 2020, we don't have to do what we don't want to do anymore.

Welcome to the rest of your lives. You were just saying, this is the first day of the rest of your life. You're just saying words that are just flying out of your dome right now. No, no, no, no, no, no. You guys, we still have some tickets left for some of our shows over the weekend. Please go to lastpodcastnetwork.com

slash P7 Live to get your tick Aest, ticker for Pontiac in Milwaukee this weekend. We're going to have fun. I'm going to eat so many hot dogs that I'm going to puke in the snow. My name is Jackie Zabrowski. You can follow me on Instagram at Check That Worm. My name is Holt McNeely, and yes, we have both been very good since New Year's Day, and we are ready to be very bad. Very bad.

Check me out. Twitch.combe4 slash Holdenatorsho. My name is Holden. Also, please check out our Patreon. We put out bonus episodes every week. And hey, come on, it's already such a deal with the free content. You're getting pop history every week. You're getting a page seven episode every week.

We're giving it. Ooh, we're giving it so good. Check it out. Patreon.com forward slash page seven podcast. Molly. My name is Molly Neffle. I'm MJK. Elk. On Instagram.

Molly, it's me the Witcher. No. No, don't confuse my brain twigs, bro. I like your long hair, witcher. You look great. Man, his arms Did you hear that apparently his arms So big it keeps wearing out the leather

On his outfits? It's true, Molly. Read and weep Oh, that changes my mind. We love you guys And I guess I won't talk to you next week Because I have been canceled. There you go.

I will, I'll be here next week. We love you, and we'll be back from the salt mines. Bye! Bye! This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors, You can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to,

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