Page 7 - Episode 351: The Sultan of Slick

Episode Date: April 30, 2020

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This one goes out to my two favorite toddlers. Well, one's a baby and one's a toddler. And you kiss her. Why can't you see? Words in my head I hear Freddy and Zelda singing. I every, almost every. But I'm not the girl you're taking home. Ooh.

I keep dancing on my own. I keep dancing on my own. Almost every single Insta video I have seen of Molly with her babies or her husband with the babies, that song has been playing. And of course, I am a constant watcher of the Insta stories. And that song has now been stuck firmly in my head for about four days. So I wanted to say thank you to Freddie and Zelda, because I'm assuming with the way that they've been dancing to Robin, that means that they enjoy it. Oh, I love Robin so much, too. I saw her live last year, and she is an absolute treasure.

Just so wonderful to see. And just her dancing is as good as it is in those music videos, man. She gives it. Oh, my God, I would love to see Robin live. I had a morning the other day where, for a friend, I posted a video of me dancing with Freddy and Zelda, too, dancing on my own. And it was so much fun because then we went, Freddy was like, more, more, more.

And so then we did call me maybe. we did party in the USA we just went down kind of like a pop and it was also we were watching the music videos and it was Freddy's first time watching music videos and she was mesmerized and I was like... Amazing!

Yeah, I love, I've always loved watching music videos and I know that's a love that you share both of you and so I was like, oh my God, why am I not been watching? Why have I not been watching? You know, I feel like I should keep just like we did with my wedding playlist, Jackie, we need to keep like a running list of the kind of like classic pop or not classic songs and music videos that I can introduce

the kids to. Dude, I am down. This is what we do. Holden I do it every Friday on Jack and ease at the at 3 p.m. slash 6 p.m. Eastern Standard Time on Holden's Switch. We watch music videos with people and I forget because also, Molly, honestly, before we started doing Jack and ease this way, I didn't really watch that many music videos. and you forget how fucking awesome music videos are,

especially with all the pop history work we've been doing. I go into these worm times where I'm just watching video after video after video. And I don't know why we forget about it. I think it's because MTV isn't MTV anymore. Yes. They're so much fun. And like the reason at my wedding I did a choreograph dance with my wedding party to Pat Benatar's We Belong. And the reason was that like years or,

earlier visiting a friend from college, we had just like, which I never used to, I used to do in college and then I hadn't done like in my adult life in years. She was like, you want to just like drink a bunch of mixed drinks and watch music videos? And I was like, yeah. And we watch Pat Benetatars, we belong. And I was like, this is the best, this is the most fun I've ever had in my life. And then it like renewed my love in that song. And I totally forget how much I love watching music videos. And so do the kids because it's a combination of two pleasures, screens and music. But also, I don't think you need the ring fit in the same way that Holden needs the ring fit because are you mommy jacked? You're slinging those kids around. You must be

super jacked at this point. I tell myself like, oh, who needs to work out? I'm lived in the kids all day. But I think that it's one of those things where it doesn't actually work that way. Yeah, Jackie, and I'm getting real big with ring fit and real strong. You're throbby. I know. Yeah, I can see. I can't tell very well because they're wearing masks. When I go outside, every man and every woman gives me the fuck eyes. And you need to know that before you start coming to me and being like, oh, you're so, you're as big as a kingdom. Because I'm not as big as a kingdom.

I never would say that. You're not, what is it? Princess Gloop, uh, Gloopy Mountain. You're not the mountain made out of shit from Candyland. What? I, you are more, I'm going to give it you more. I never thought I was and now I've got a complex. I'm that.

I was at one point that to you? Unbelievable, Jack, well, I just, I'm saying now you're way more of one of the peppermint dude, the peppermint one that is friendly, no one necessarily wants to have sex with them. Right. But people don't respect the peppermint man, but they understand where he's coming from. And I feel like that's really where you shine. I get it. At one point in time, my nickname was Slop Johnson, okay?

And because I was so big and so bad and just so, because I even be up being. and big. I was sloppy. You know what I mean? Well, you were sloppy. I'd wear, you know, I'd cut off pant legs and put them on my arms as some sort of makeshift sleeve because I was too lazy to go to the store and acquire new ones. But that said, lately I've been tightening up. I've been getting rip-wrap ready. I'm ready to start. My hip-hop group, my hip-hop breakdancing sort of scenario group, as soon as quarantine's over, Is it called Rub a Dub-Dub? Yes.

Imagine it's just like you and two other dudes shoved into a tub together and just kind of like bustling at each other just to make the foamy bubbles. Yes, I'm Rob. His name's a Dub-dub and we get together and we just, we sort of compete with each other. And at the end we start to sort of kiss and make love a little bit in front of people to sort of spread love. I watch it. I'm not into you, but I'm into it. Oh my God, is that rub, a dub-dub making love?

Love, love, love, yeah. Jackie's like, oh, I know rub. I've known rub for years. I got stories about rub. I know them too well almost. Yeah. Welcome to page seven, guys. And I think that we're feeling extra silly, extra zine today.

Because if I should, before we jump down this slide of true, beautiful art, I just want to say, I'm the fucking sultan of slick. I'm the rule of fucking cool. You want to be a gangster? You want to be a thug? You sit up my fucking feet. Gather the pearls that emanate forth from me, because I'm

the original, straight. First board most pimp, Mac fucking hustler, original gangsters gangster. And yes, that is a quote from Gile. I wrote that. I will say this to you. I will say this to you.

I after this would like to go get some ice cream. Put some on your head. Your tongue would slap your brains out trying to get to it. You fucking assholes. I'm so mad at you too. Did both of you guys take notes? I kept thinking I need to be taking notes. I need to be taking notes.

But then I didn't. And I'm like, now you guys are going to be actually quote in Gilely this whole time. But I'm just going to be trying to still pick up my jaw off the floor. I did. I don't I can't do it because it's a visual thing for the listeners, but I did a literal, I wanted to show you to the face that I made after Gilely ended and the credits were rolling. I did like a full like,

oh yeah. Oh, she's doing a roundhouse double take with her face. They somehow figured out how like it was like all hope was lost by the ending and somehow they were able to manage to take it one step further into the realm of utter fucking stupidity. I think that was what the double take was about. I was like, well, this has been the worst movie I've ever seen. And then it somehow, the end still was worse.

Like, they managed to take it to a depth that I was not prepared for. You know what it is? And I think, all right, I wanted to say, first of all, I want to say thank you both to watching Gile this week. Yeah, whatever. With me across the coast, not with me, with me. I hope that everyone out there, if you are listening to this, I hope that either you have seen Gile or you don't mind upsettingly spending $3.99 to rent it on Amazon Prime because I was mad about spending money for it.

I will say that. I was mad to spend money for it. But this all came about, I really think now, after I watch Gile, it's because I'm still recording Model Land. I just record a chapter 37 of Model Land for the page 7 Patreon. And when you look at something and people are like, this is the worst thing I've ever read. And I'm like, okay, let's see. Modeland is the worst thing I've ever read. It is still very entertaining, though, is the problem

because my mouth is open just that there are parts as I'm reading it and I just keep going, what the fuck are you talking about Tyra Banks? Yes. And that I wanted to see for myself, if Gilles really was that bad, I will go ahead and say it's worse than that. I didn't know it could be worse than what I thought it was going to be. I'm so glad that that is exactly how you feel because I was like, oh, a bad movie from the 2000s. Yeah, come on now.

I saw it pay it forward in the theaters twice. You know, I've been around for a bad movie. Like, I thought I was prepared. I thought I was ready. Most of the movies that happened in the mid-2000s, early 2000s, were bad. And I saw many of them. And I was, and then I was blown away. But, and then I was like, well, I don't know what I was expecting because this is a movie famous for being like the worst movie ever made.

I want to, I need to say, because I also went into this not knowing a goddamn thing about Gile. I didn't know what it was about. I knew that Benefer was in it and that was it. I didn't realize that it was over two hours long as well as the fact. So this is just a quick synopsis. The film follows a very Italian loan shark, Larry Gile, Ben Affleck, ridiculous accent, who is paired with a lesbian

independent contractor, quote unquote, named Ricky, played by Jennifer Lopez, and forced to kidnap a mentally handicapped younger brother of a federal prosecutor, Brian, Justin Bartha, not mentally handicapped, in order to force the prosecutor to drop charges against the mob boss. Throwing it out there, I will say for Justin Bartha,

for a man that was given a role that he definitely really shouldn't play he did as well as he could have I think that he was definitely trying to not make fun of mentally handicapped people however he did crucially

there are two and I if I may add to your synopsis because I have had the pleasure of explaining the plot of Gile to every person in my house because everyone was like wait what why are you watching because you watched it for three days

too. This is my favorite. Molly watched it for three days. It took me three days to finish it. And I, and I knew when I paid the $3.99, I was like, I've got 48 hours to finish this. But the only time that I have, I have a window of about 7.30 p.m. until about 10, 30, 11 p.m. when I don't have children with me. And the first part of that window is spent like eating dinner with other people in my house. And like usually we watch something together, showering all that. And so I rented it like, you know, 10, 10.30 p.m. when I was already in bed because I was like, I'm not even going to ask my house if they want to watch this. But I rented it. I was like, I've got 48 hours to finish this. And I really need to, I'm not going to rent it again. Am I going to pay for it twice? And so I

managed, just under the wire, I managed to split it over the course of three nights. But that meant I had three days of experiencing Gile. I don't know how you kept going back to it. And I want to say thank you for your dedication. And I want to say Holden, thank you for dedication. Because I don't think either one of you thought I was going to follow up on this, but definitely on Sunday, I stuck it to them. I said, this is your halfway week mark to remind you that we must watch Jaley. Because again, if I was going to watch this, after watching it, I realized if I didn't talk about it, I was going to explode. Yeah.

And that's why we're here today. I'm glad you reminded us. And so just so my, the synopsis I landed on was Ben Affleck is kind of like a goofus of a, of a, of a, of a, of a, of a, of a, of a, of a, of a, of a, of a, of a, of a, of a, of a, of a, of a, of a, of a. a, you know, thug, um, hitman kind of guy who gets, who has to, uh, inexplicably, um, kidnap this, um, mentally disabled person. And then Jennifer Lopez has to help him. They don't know each other. They meet. She's, um, uh, a lesbian. And he spends the entirety of the movie being pissed off at her, uh, and sad. He's a sad boy. He's like, always been a sad boy. I didn't realize Ben Affleck had always been a sad boy. And, uh, he's sad. He's sad. He's sad. He's sad. He's

sad at her for being a lesbian culminates in a truly homophobic rant that he screams at her in the car about how he's sad because she's a lesbian and she won't sleep with him. Don't forget Dikasaurus Rex. He says Dikasurus Rex in that. We do not agree with this phrase, but if we don't say the fact, I had to pause it when he said Dikosaurus Rex because I might not. This is 2003. This is like, I know that in theory 17 years.

was a long time ago. But was it that long ago? What about when the mentally handicapped kids literally says they make my penis sneeze? Yeah. Oh, we're going to, I have a whole rant about making your penis sneeze. By the way, Martin, real quick, too, Martin Breast directed Beverly Hills cop, meet Joe Black, directed scent of a woman, directed, and there's actually an oral history on GQ.

He says here, the idea came to me one night when I couldn't fall asleep. I had been clicking through some girl on girl porn and I thought, what if a lesbian mob criminal turned out to be the only one who could pull off a high profile kidnapping? How dare they? There's no way she could. Not only

is she of sexual, but also she's a woman. I don't know which one's worse. And on top of all of it, we need to have like an agenda. for what to talk about. But on top of all of it, it culminates after he screams at her for being gay, she sleeps with him and proceeds to have what is truly the weirdest sex scene I've ever

seen in a Hollywood film. Weirdest sex scene. It is so long. It's so long. And I've never seen and I watch a lot of porn. I have never seen a sex scene linger on a man's face to show him, essentially being like, oh, a lesbian's pussy does just feel like a pussy as he inserts himself inside of her because the close-up is on Ben Affleck's face. And there is a lot of thrusting for like a Hollywood film. I feel like most sex scenes in a regular non-pornographic film involve a lot of kissing and a kind of suggestion of thrusting and then we're done 30 seconds and then we're done, right? Or like 60 seconds. Like it's usually, I mean, obviously it depends on what rating we're

talking about. But like this was just like a soft, like a six minute soft core kind of hump fest. Right. There was a lot of humping. Right. Just just, you know what? It's like I don't even know if I guess I was real, because I, okay, I'm gonna, I did a cheat and I put a puzzle together while watching the movie. And I think that maybe I missed a lot of the sex scene because I got lost. doing the puzzle and nothing like, oh my God. And nothing just actually ludicrous was happening at me. You know what I mean? Dialogue-wise.

So I think for me I took that as like- You missed out. It's one of the most memorable parts of the film because it's so weird. It's just like a silent, long hump. Like there's so much thrusting. Jackie, am I wrong? Like, was there more thrusting? There's so much thrusting.

And it's also, it's the kind of thing to, oh, oh. I think that maybe they were trying. to be woke in kind of in the idea of like when she holds him down and then he looks at her. You know what it is? It's Ben Affleck's face acting in this that I think deserved a separate Razzie outside of all the Razies that it gets. Right. Because she puts her hands on his wrists to hold him down and he looks at her with a knowing

of a, oh, this is how lesbians do it. And it reeks of that of just like, this is how it. it's gonna go down. I understand this. Ew, stop. But also, but jumping to this means we're completely skipping

the fucking yoga monologue. Oh, we have so much to talk about. That was the most egregious part of the film to me when she ends, when she's like, and I call it, my pussy. And Lexi just went like, no, like that's not accurate

on any level. Every scene that, So apparently when they first made this movie, they were going to take out the entire love part of it, which honestly, I probably would have made it a better movie that it's like, oh, she's a lesbian, she's not going to sleep with you, then the rest of the movie happens. But instead, they turn every single scene between J.Lo and Ben Affleck because they were upping the fact of like, they're in a real relationship. and so they turned all of the sex up to 19 out of 10.

And so she's doing this yoga. And I will say, as some of you know what, I do yoga almost every single day. I get it. I can't imagine having a conversation while I'm doing yoga. And also just all of the, you could see the every centimeter of J-Lo's vagina in that scene. I don't know. I just kept, my eyes kept being drawn to it and I kept feeling bad. because I kept staring because of the way,

it was just so erotic the scene that I think you're supposed to be listening to. But his, also, between that and his accent being so bad, it's supposed to be Los Angeles. Correct me if I'm wrong. But the Italian mafia is not a huge Los Angeles presence. I was wondering about this too. His mom is absolutely like an Italian New Yorker. And I was like, what is this, like a New York Italian diaspora in Los Angeles?

From what I am aware of, it seems that the mafia here is Armenian and not the good, because I think that all, I'm just saying of what I think on the outside of what it seems like. I know that there's a big Italian mafia presence in Las Vegas because they run a lot of the casinos. But I don't think that in L.A., it's just they're having conversations, mafia conversations on the sidewalk while assumedly the dude that he's working for, quote unquote, is a waiter at this restaurant? And you bring up, by the way, you bring up, since you brought up the mafia thing, I wanted to speak towards that for a second because I am really glad

we have finally moved past this phase in pop culture where we do, because initially in the 90s exploded with mob films, serious mob films, right? But man, mob film after mob film, then Sopranos comes along. Oh, mob stuff can be comical and funny.

And while it's still brutal, and you got the, you know, Bit Affleck, in the very first scene, is doing the thing, right? He's like, street talking, funny talking at a victim of his. He puts him in a washing machine. That's not scary. And he's like, you know, talking his shit, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's so funny because he's this fucking mobster guy.

And, you know, it was like fine when it happened. But this definitely was the death now to that movement in the genre. And I'm happy we're past this because this film really is. as if you fed a computer a bunch of mob comedies and it just spits like stuff out like that's what the Christopher Walken scene is that's what the Pacino scene is I'm so glad we had Pacino doing the Pacino thing that he was doing in every single movie back then I will say that Christopher Walken scene if you don't want to pay for Gile I completely get it please look up Christopher Walken scene in Gile it is really good and it makes no sense but his performance

is outstanding. I forget exactly what he is ranting about, but it is great. That's the thing, though. It's all nonsense. It's all like cool guy talk with nothing behind it. It's quote unquote cool by talking.

That's why I mean by it was like fed to a machine because they're all talking like they're in a cool mobster movie and they're saying cool things. But everything that's coming out of their mouth is fucking nonsense. And that's why I come back to him going, mm-mm, talking about how he's going to go get ice cream afterwards. and then screams,

intimidatingly screams at Ben Affleck, put some on your head, your tongue would slap your brains out, trying to get to it. That means nothing. Like, intimidatingly. It's like, it's like, it's like you might as well say anything there

in that tone. You know what I mean? My favorite Spice Girls video is to become one. You know what I mean? It could be, anything. It's like that's the whole movie. The whole movie is just people yelling things that mean

nothing. No, sometimes it's J-Lo weirdly seductively trying to be scary like the bunch of teens that she doesn't, when they're going to go to ice cream. So what do they do with the their kidnapped person

that is mentally handicapped? Oh, they stick them in front of a mural that has breasts on it so that he won't move because he's so captivated by the picture of the press so that they can have their sexy conversation. And then these teens are making fun of them. So J-Lo goes over there and makes up this whole monologue where she talks really close to him about how she's going to gouge his eyes out, even though it was not intimidating. And then what does Ben Affleck do?

He goes up to one of them that has a laptop. He breaks it in half and says, he says, here's suckmy dick.com. I wrote it down. Suck my dick.com. You suck my dick.com. What the fuck on did? Guys, that movie really made my penis sneeze. Look, I'm just saying, you're right.

You hit a really good nail on the head that I didn't think about. It is a movie of just men screaming their guts out about absolutely nothing. And Jennifer Lopez very calmly, very bad actingly, like, being. being suave and cool and also saying kind of nothing. Like that whole monologue, yoga monologue, was just like her trying to be sedate. Why did they sleep in the same bed together from the get-go, by the way? Did that, did they explain that? He invites her to sleep in his bed.

And she's like, okay. And then he is, so I have to, so to paint a scene here, I have a Bluetooth headphone, right? so that I so I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth listening to Gile because I was like

I can step away from this. Slowly opening a window and with one leg out of it trying to just get as far away from the film as seemingly possible. I'm thinking you know I don't have to devote my full attention to this I'll get ready for bed

while I'm listening and so the phone which was playing Gile was in my bed and I was in the bathroom you know maybe eight feet away. And then I heard Ben Affleck saying like manly stuff like, oh, you like that. And I ran. I share a room with a baby. I ran as quickly as I could over to the phone thinking, am I missing? Ben Affleck invites her into his bed. Next thing we know we cut to a sex scene where he's like talking dirty. So I ran over at risk of waking the baby to run over and see if it was a sex scene. And it turned out it was just Ben Affleck in the mirror,

pep talking himself. Yes. Doing dirty talk to his muscles. And then when they're in bed together, he's like, oh, are we going to bang? And she's like, no. And he's like, what? Why not?

And she's like, you're not my type. And he's like, what part? And she goes, your penis. And that's the big reveal. It's 2003, several years, by the way, before marriage equality was a thing. At least what five, I think seven years before New York made marriage equality.

And she's just like, I'm a lesbian and he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And then the whole film takes a fucking left turn from there. Right. Because he can't understand how even if she's a lesbian, why she doesn't want to have sex with him. And it actually made me think of Jeff kept quoting the Wizard and the Bruiser Ghostbusters episode when you guys kept going, oh, go, go, go, go, go, ghost. Right, right.

And that's what it made me think of every time. Girl wrote the movie. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Like every time. Give me, but you're so hot. How could you be a lesbian? Is essentially what the tagline of this movie should have been. That's the other thing too is like, yeah.

It's like, but you're beautiful and a man should have you. Was such a big part of the message. Exactly. And it's a shame because it's truly the only, there's about four characters in the film. And the only person who's interesting to watch is Jennifer Lopez. She's gorgeous. and she's like, truly cannot act her way out of a paper bag, but she's like, I still enjoyed watching her more than Ben Affleck,

but it's not only you're so beautiful, you should, a man should have you, which is exactly right, but it's also somehow, I'm Ben Affleck, you should like me. And that's the hardest thing. And I was about to bring this up. That is, I mean, much like every character of movie, but especially him, is so unlikable the whole time. So it's even more rage in.

when later on in the movie, J-Lo comes around to him and is even like, come here, you big, lovable lug kind of stuff. It's like, like, nothing he's done at any point in the movie has made him at all likable. All he's doing is screaming and screaming at a young man that has mental disabilities the entire time. So that's why I don't like her either, even though she's slightly more likable at a glance. they're both kid they both kidnapped this special needs kid the fuck out of here with that and Lexie even said

and I think he's probably true like you know if they had just gone with like a little kid yeah this would have been way more like charming and not incredibly shitty oh you mean when he picked up when he has a cell phone and he picked up

the flashlight to pretend like he was on a phone call to tell him that Baywatch was closed he's not like he's an adult take shili and do the two things that you guys have come up with so far in this conversation one uh make it that jalo is a lesbian and that they don't fall in love or sleep with each other and then make it so that they don't kidnap a disabled person but instead just kidnap a regular little kid we're talking not even a notably bad movie like it's we bad

yeah it's not historically bad not yeah not historical kids offensive on several levels, you know? Yeah, the special needs kid, like, you know, we both started the movie and Lexi was just like, oh, no, like, this is what made it so mad. I had no idea. I had no idea either. She was so mad.

This movie get to be, it's famously bad, and yet I did not know that it was ablest and, like, homophobic. Like, those are the two things that make it bad. Yeah, you just thought it was like a bad mobster comedy, and it really does great on me like the kind of vibe where it's like we're so charming

in this mobster comedy and it's like nothing you're doing is charming you can't just make that up you can't just be Sopranos you can't just be get shorty like you have to earn it by like good writing and in fact it's a harder thing to do to make on its face

unlikable character like Mr. Soprano and you know make you fall in love with him while he's doing all this terrible stuff, that is like a really hard thing to do. And this movie just assumes it's a really easy thing to do. And it's so infuriating because, like, again,

it's like you can't just have J-Lo's character fall in love with Ben Affleck's character like over the course of an hour and a half. Just because, like, he has to earn that. He has to show any sign that he's at all charming and likable, but he never does that. The only thing, what, is like, I think the one thing, like,

well we'll just throw this mother character in here. And because he has a mom that loves him, he's likable somehow. And it's like, that's not how it works. Can't with this. I can't with this. So Laini Kazan comes in as Mrs. Gile, which also, if you guys don't know,

Jolie is pronounced like, really, because he says that about seven times in the film. Yeah. And Lainey Kizan, who I love, plays his mother. So I guess he is supposed to be Italian in this. And I'm assuming, she's also supposed to be Italian in this? And so she comes in with him and she's just like, oh my God, oh my God, you marry, you're dating

this beautiful woman, beautiful woman. She says nothing the entire time. His mother just assumes that they are porking. And then he's like, yeah, but ma, she's a lesbian. And she just like kind of shrugs. I guess there's another way for them to attempt to be woke when Leni Kazan is just like, essentially saying, I'd fuck you. Do you want to fuck me?

I've had my time in the sun, which I will say, I definitely had a weird experience like that, definitely in talking to my mother when I was, you know, whenever we had these conversations, and she's just like, I understand. Women love women, which I appreciated that coming from my mother. But from Lainey Kazan in this movie, you don't know her. You can't have this weird, very intimate conversation

when he just met somebody. and that's not how you introduce somebody. I don't bring someone home and go, hey, ma, this is my friend. She's a lesbian. Also, though, this reminds me of another thing, which is that J-Lo is portrayed as a lesbian as somebody who loves and wants to fuck

every woman she meets. Because she meets Ben's mom, and they're like, oh, oh, yeah, oh, women, and then they're at the post office, and there's a woman at the post office. office and they make eyes at each other for like, I don't know, 50 seconds. And Ben Affleck gets all mad because his boner isn't included and the two of them making eyes at each other.

But it's just so funny that it's like lesbians wherever they go, they just find a woman and they just zero in and they just can't be stopped. They need to have it. Right. They can't be stopped. They can't be stopped. They're fuck machines. They're just lesbians all the time everywhere and every interaction in a sexual way.

it can't be contained. Also, Jackie, are you just drinking straight tequila out of a tiny cup? Out of a tiny cup,

yes. There's no ice in it. There's nothing to sort of cool it down. There's no soda in there to soften it up. There's just straight tequila from a cup.

Well, it's a side drink to my wine spritzer. Because I'm sweating. I'm furiously sweating. Wow. Because I'm screaming about Gile

because if you wonder why the reason I think that the movie is giving to J. Lo of why she is a lesbian in this is that she talks about how essentially women go down on women better than men do,

which I'm going to go ahead and say is usually true. And so what do they do when they're about to have sex before anything happens? She pushes away from Ben Affleck, she opens up her legs and says, it's turkey time

and says, gobble, gobble and points at her pussy. Do you not write that down? She's a brainless sex machine. She just is just a ravenous, like, it's as if she's not a human. She's just a lesbian who could only want people to eat pussy and not, it's not capable of thinking about anything else. And then when she realizes that Ben Affleck could do it, she's like, I guess I love you, you know? Gobble, gobble, I will say, I've tried it.

And Jeff doesn't want me quoting Gile when we're having sex anymore, which I guess that's fine. I get it. I get it. Man. And she's so sexy, too. She's like, like, the fact is J-Lo does ooze sex.

And her whole thing in this movie is like, I'm a character who ooze a sex. So she rolls back, looks at him. And she's like, it's turkey time. Gobble, gobble, gobble. And also, the whole movie, Ben Affleck spends the whole time being like, oh, like, this is like the kinkiest woman. he's ever spoken to.

So when she puts her hands on his wrist, he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, and there's this whole underlying thread where she's like, I think you've got feminine energy because like men look at their, I mean, the the thesis about gender that could be written about this film, men look at their nails like this

and women look at their nails like this, but you look at your nails like this. That's a Frazier joke. And he's like, so the whole, there's this other thing. thing where she's like, I'll only fuck you because you have a feminine energy. And he's like, no, I don't. But then they still fuck.

Like, but that's the, that's the hints. And even at the end, he's like, so you're switching teams? And she's like, no. But maybe I'll give you a ride out of town. Would you wear mascara? And he's like, oh, no. Like he's such, he's not even like, it would be one thing if she was like, oh, I like you have like an energy that like, you have a feminine energy. And he'd be like, all right, whatever.

I like you. Let's do it. Instead, he's like, oh, pull, pull, pull. mascara, I would never. Me. Yeah, I just realized if you're watching 90-day fiancé right now, I was just about to say that. I think Ash may have taken a note out of the book of Gile for his seminar that he gave to a room full of women. Molly, there is a dude that is pretending to be a relationship counselor, even though he's obviously not.

And we have deduced that possibly he is an escort of some sort. So he gives this seminar to show his woman that came to meet him from America that he's not just hitting on women or just spending time with women. So he gives a seminar and it's all about how men are like this and women are like this and a man has masculine energy and women can't have masculine energy. They only have feminine energy. And it's this whole thing where she's just like, what the fuck are you talking about? So yes. Ash is definitely in this movie and I bet that Ash's penis

has sneezed a couple of times I think that Holden you've been very excited to talk about this I don't know have you said that your penis sneezed to Lexi since this has happened you know I have not this has been a very sexless apartment

ever since we watched Chile I think that her whatever hornyness she had for a man has deceased within her for the moment being I get it. I'm just apologizing as much as I can as a man for being a man.

It's unbelievable. Hopefully you're forcing us to watch Spice World tonight. So hopefully that'll turn things around somehow. Yeah, hopefully it'll turn things up somehow. But yeah, it was difficult. I was like laughing and sort of just, but she was really in a huff, I would say, about halfway through the film and into the variant. There's a lot of huff to be had.

I don't blame her. Have we gotten to the ending yet? Do we have more to cover before we talk about the fucking crazy ending? I want to talk about the penis sneezing because so the boy, I guess, I'm assuming he must be like 20 or 21. The man that they kidnap says that every time, essentially when he comes, so he's staring at J-Lo across the street and he said, he goes, God bless you. I'm not going to do it in the voice. that he says, God bless you. And he's like, I'll do Ben Affleck's horrible voice.

So what you were saying? God bless you for. And then he said that my penis sneezes. So every time his penis sneezes, he says, God bless you. So what does Ben Affleck say right after they have that very long, very uncomfortable sex scene? And he just goes, my penis sneezed. As if that was supposed to be charming, I would say get out of your bed. I would kick the person out of the bed and say, you are going to go sleep on the floor now.

Don't ever say that to me right after you've been inside of me. Right. But you see, they're so evil these two. So I think that actually justifies it a little bit. They're so absolutely terribly evil. But don't worry. They're not only evil. They're horrifically bad at their job.

because they keep taking this guy who they've kidnapped out in public and just standing around and being extremely flagrant about it. They're in public constantly. They let people into their apartment. At one point, her girlfriend, her ex-girlfriend shows up and has a suicide attempt. Oh, my God, I forgot about the suicide attempt. Her leather jacket wearing lesbian. Girlfriend, her like cool leather jacket lads.

And then she tries to kill herself. Also, that was like leather blazer jacket number 20 in that movie because Ben Affleck owns at least three or four. Not only, not leather jackets, though, they're blazers. I believe they're blazers and dusters. And I don't think I've ever seen leather duster before. No. It's, I mean, like, they are just so bad at their job.

Someone gets shot in the head. It's like such a roller coaster. It's hard to even It's It's hard to remember everything that happened It's hard to do it justice It's Scorsese into Tarantino And especially with Tarantino

And then also like what guy Richie right Like snatch and stuff like that People just got it in their heads All of a sudden that like Just putting two Dufuses together And have them talk about absolutely nothing But Hippley You know what I mean?

But in a cool guy way will just a great movie make, a really cool scene, everything, right? It'll just be so amazing. And this is the bitter end of that journey in terms of scriptwriting. One more thing that I wanted to add that that made me think of is that both in terms of just like on-screen chemistry as actors, but also in terms of the sexual chemistry, it's amazing that it's Benefer and that the whole idea behind the film ever even being made was that there were a couple, because they have.

Zero chemistry. Yeah. Zero. It is cold as ice between them. Man, you know what I'd love to do right now? Go down to Marie Calendez. Give me a big bowl. Pie.

Some ice cream on it. Mm, good. Put some on your head. You're talking with slap your brains. I'm trying to get it. Why is this a lot? I just hope Christopher Walken made it up. So, all right.

So this apparently makes so much sense. Apparently, there is a lot of, an earlier, darker version of Gile that was put out as a test audience and completely changed that would have revealed that Jennifer Lopez's suicidal ex-girlfriend was the real hit woman and that Lopez was just play-acting being tough for the whole movie and that Waukin's oddball cop was actually working for Pacino's crime lord the entire time

and culminated with Affleck being shot and bleeding to death after delivering the kid to the set of Baywatch. I'd also be there for that. I'd understand that more than what we spent over two hours watching. Right, right. Two hours. Yeah, I'd watch that film. We did it, guys.

I hope that you guys do it too. I hope that out there, you know, we're hitting a point now where I think that we're just kind of like, why not watch these things? Why not watch the things that we said that we never would watch? because again, I need to hate watch things sometimes in between enjoying what I have been watching because I got to switch up my emotions. I have to put my anger somewhere. And if you've got to put your anger at Gile, it's better than putting it at a partner, putting it at the people you're living with right now. Scream at Gile.

It brings people together. This is a community-building movie because I can't, if I, I think, This is how you sniff out people you don't want to be friends with. If they love this movie. Who loves this movie? I don't know. Planet Earth likes this song. No, but zero.

Zero people. It genuinely loves this movie. But you can, I mean, it did animate me in a way. Like, it was like, you know, usually I just, like, fall asleep to a show about forensics. And so this was like, oh, I'm, my brain is actually, like, firing. Like, I'm feeling a lot of feelings about Jennifer Lopez. feeling a lot of feelings about Ben Afflex mediocrity. Like, it actually, I would love to hear from listeners about what other films are very

popularly bad or just very, like, I feel like there's a whole, this made me realize how much there is to see and to hate out there. I forgot that I just wrote this in the end. It was about 10 minutes before the end where Jeff just kept screaming, when will it end? And he just kept saying, I just want to die. And that ending is so bad, man. It's a long.

It's a long. It really feels like it should end about 35 minutes before it ends. Especially the whole part where it's like, no, you can't go over there. You can't go. No, you just can't go. And you're just like, fucking why, dude? And then finally it's like, all right, I'll be a good person. You can go.

It's like, no, this is so poorly. That was the part when his face acting really truly made me scream was because he kept watching the, the kidnapped dude over at the third. the Baywatch and he just kept being like making these faces of like, yeah, no, come on. Oh my God. He's going to be all right. Look at this guy. Everything's going to be all right.

What are you talking about? I'm so mad. Not to mention the plot after fucking they watched their boss get shot in the head. They get out of it by J-Lo being like, oh, you wouldn't want us to. I don't even remember what she threatens him with. But instead, We'll just drop off your kidnapped victim and then we'll disappear. And the guy who just shot someone in the head is like, oh, you're right.

And then they end the film. I'd just be like, oh, we'll just drop you off. Call your prosecutor brother. And then we'll just leave and we'll just be good. They don't have to go into witness protection. Nothing. Again, even though they've been just out in public with this guy the whole time. Whole time.

They're just like, yeah, we'll just leave you here. I'll call somebody. I'll use the pay phone. I'll stand here and watch while the federal prosecutor's on the way. Like zero effort to hide what they've done. Also, not assuming that this young man that was kidnapped knows your name, Ben Affleck. He knows your name. He knows where you live.

He knows where your mother lives. You think that that's not going to be a problem down the line? Yeah, they're just like, you know what? Just go. Just go into your natural habitat, the set of Baywatch. Just get on out of here and go, I guess. Sleep with that Australian girl because why not? He is there.

He's got it and she's got one, you know? What a heartwarming ending where the mentally disabled kid got to have a horny moment with an extra at a shoot of Baywatch. Baywatch baby where he's just, was Baywatch still being filmed in 2003? I was really struggling with this. Oh, probably. Man, that show just was just kept on being a show.

It was on for a long time. So maybe, who knows? All right, I'll allow that. Are we talking about anything else before Celebrity Conspiracies? No, it's time. I think we've got our screaming out. I think it's already time for Celebrity Conspiracy. Oh, God.

Thank God. Thank God. Yes. All right. Celebrity conspiracies, you don't even know what kind of conspiracies they are. Celebrity conspiracies. Is it a crazy situation? Yes, it is.

I like to eat ice cream So much so that I'll put some on your head Your tongue would slap your brains I'll try to get to it Celebrity conspiracies All right Controlling the new Oh oh oh this is my chapter one of my celebrity conspiracy

Celebrity Conspiracy number three All right Case file number three Let's get into it Britney Spears the operative? Interesting how with the establishment of networks like CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News came the 24 hours news cycle,

putting out a new and eye-grabbing story every hour if they can help it. This became predominant during the early 2000s, just as the 43rd president, George W. Bush, who was calling the White House's home. Word on the street was that Britney Spears was on the Bush payroll, as an operative, there to distract the media

whenever Bush made. A goof goof. Whoa. Example the first. You slugs? No. No, no, I ain't called that slugs. No, you start calling me a jackasaurus rex,

thank you very much. Molly, you may remember the Scooter Libby trial. Just one week before. Do you remember the Scooter Libby trial? Certainly. Absolutely, right? You like him, right? Yeah, of course, yeah. You put him on wheels and it's bad. Scooter, we get it?

Absolutely, I get that. Just one week before Scooter Libby, advisor to Dick Cheney was about to stand trial after he blew the cover of a CIA agent's identity. Wouldn't you know it if one Britney Spears decides to marry her childhood friend Jason Alexander in Las Vegas? Nevada. And just 55 hours, whoosh, the marriage was annulled. Spears said it wasn't really a booty call. It was just, you know, a friend asking a friend to come on a trip. Sometimes you get married, dog.

The friendly trip would end up perfectly distracting the people of the world from a stream of political corruption news reports around the case. Interesting. Example number two, if you are not fully convinced, you bicycles. No, everyone gets a ride. This one, I labeled the car seat incident. In April of 2006, Bush is seeing his approval rating at an all-time low. So what does he do?

Ring, ring, ring! Next thing you know, OMG, is that Britney Spears with her infant son riding in her lap as she drives down the road leading to nothing but news stories about child care in the car? Shocker! Shocker! How that coincidence happened. How about this if you're not fully finally fucking convinced for the fucking rest of your life? One day before the midterm election, just one day,

this would lead, by the way, this midterm election, this would lead to a potential loss of 33 Senate seats and 435 House seats for the Republicans. Spears announces her breakup from Kevin Federline. What? Oh my God. Wow. Oh, I love this.

One day before the midterm. One day for the midterm. And finally, Al-Qaeda. The very same night. Yes. Don't worry. I haven't gotten to Al-Qaeda yet. The very same night that Bush announced the reformation of Al-Qaeda,

Britney Spears, sneaks out of rehab, shaves her head, and attacks a paparazzi van with an umbrella. The truth lays before you. Oh, my God. It was Al-Qaeda. Wow. That's why. And wouldn't you have it?

Wouldn't you have it be known? Britney Spears, all the drama slows to a creep right around the 2008 election, just in time for Obama to come in and be raked over the coals for every little thing he did. Wow. So what do you think? True or false? So just to clarify, was Brittany working to hurt the George W. Bush Republican Party or to help them? Help.

He was, every time something was about to damage him, she would come in with a crazy. Yeah, she was working for the Bush White House. She was working with the CIA. Because you could also argue that that was hurtful to him to, well, I got you. You know, Molly, whatever, all right? Whatever would you do that.

I'm not going to think too hard about it. I'm sorry. I would say that I think it's definitely possible, right? but I think that she has nothing to do with it because I don't think she would ever have any. I was definitely just watching on social media her putting up a video about how she set fire to something in her gym

and she's like, I don't know what happened. So I've got this on fire and then I'm going to work out over here. And I love Britney Spears. But I don't know if a woman that can accidentally set fire to pieces in her gym would be in control of trying to help the government. So I'm going to say that she doesn't know about it, but her father is evil. And I wouldn't put it fucking past him because he is the, what is it called, Molly, the overseer.

The mean, he's mean daddy, he's a bad daddy. The establishment? I don't know what word you're looking for. He controls her and everything that she is allowed to do professionally. It controls her money. You're looking for a word besides like puppet master? Yeah, it's like a real, it's like a government word, I think. We'll come back to that.

What do you think, Molly? Do you think it's legitimate and it's definitely a thing? I've, once again, I got to go with I want to believe. Like, I would love, I forgot how inextricably linked the Britney Spears golden age is with the George W. Bush years. They are very, very intertwined. So I'm going to. Chaos, yeah. Do I have the option of going with I want to believe or do I have?

have to pick yes or no. You have to definitely say yes or no. I'm going to go with yes. And Jackie, you're a no? I'm going to no, but also the word is conservator, by the way. Whatever, Jackie. And I know everyone was intrigued. We're not here to learn things on this podcast.

We're here to talk shit. You're right. We're here to speculate. All right. Am I now going blind or do we want to do something else before that? Well, first I have to at least do the list. Oh! Oh! Who's on the list? Jay, got to have that list.

Ooh, today we're doing eight surprising facts about Oscar Isaac. I love this list. Because I love him, I love him, I love him, and I keep staring at the pictures of him in Dune. And now that I've watched Dune, I'm very intrigued at watching what will happen to him in the new Dune.

I'm not going to say it makes me upset, but I will say it makes me upset. Did you know that Oscar Isaac Hernandez Estrada was born in Guatemala City, Guatemala on March 9, 1979? But when it came time for him to choose a stage name, he opted to shorten his name to Oscar Isaac as a way to be considered for more roles. He says all casting directors would see me for was the gangster or whatever. So I was like, well, let's see if this helps. This ultimately led to people thinking he was Jewish, however, including director Barry Saunenfeld, who passed on Isaac for a role because he wanted a Cuban actor, even though he is Cuban.

Isn't that crazy? That's the most insane thing on the planet. I know it, dog. I won't say that I maybe just got this list because I was staring at pictures of Oscar Isaac. We all know that this is exactly why, and it's because, you know what, he's, easy to look at and also he's a bad boy and fucking knew this because he was expelled from school in seventh grade. He's her bad boy. And he was in, look at this with him in his punk band. I know I'm jumping ahead, but look at him in his fun punk band. I know, but how cute is he? Slow down.

I know. I know, but he's in a punk band. He's in a punk band. He's so cute. I love him so much. Why was he suspended from school? Why was he kicked out of school in seventh grade? I I petted some animals I wasn't supposed to pet. He says the school was built around this guy's ranch and there was a big wall and we never knew it was on the other side. Me and my friend jumped over and found all these exotic animals, guard imoos and the craziest tiny little beavers. We just started petting them all.

Why wouldn't you? But the guy complained and he got expelled from school. And that's not all. I sprayed a fire extinguisher in the gym and defaced a mural, wrote cursory. on all the stairs of the library like shit, fuck, ass, all the way to the top step. Yes, it was very stupid. He is too bad to be good.

And that's why you, and that's why he owes you sex, Jackie. Oh, I know it. Yeah, gobble, gobble. Oscar Isaac, it's turkey time, bitch. The first rule that I saw Oscar Isaac in is in the film, the series on HBO Show Me a Hero, which is about an integration. plan and so it makes sense that he's always been bold and a rebel.

A little bit bad. Just like when Holden, when he played in various punk bands. While pursuing music before his admission to Juilliard, he played a number of bands with names that included petrified frogs, closet heterosexuals, the worms, and as well as a few Florida-based ska groups, Molly,

is something for everybody. This video is amazing. The worms definitely have a horned. section and way too many singers and it's so funny and I guess he played guitar it looks like played guitar. Dude doesn't this make you fall in love with Oscar Isaac

even more than you were already in love with Oscar Isaac? I didn't know what was possible. This just brings me back to a time in music that's bizarre is what's at. Watch this video from this list, Molly. This is amazing. It's great. It's not bizarre. It was good. Not only that, he's also a good

person. Oscar Isaac was an orderly at the hospital where his dad worked. Before becoming an actor, Isaac worked at the hospital where his father was a pulmonologist. While speaking device, he explained the job included taking people to do x-rays, bringing the deceased down to the morgue. He says, when I applied to Julia, they asked, what other jobs have he done that qualifies you? I put the hospital down because you get to see the extremes of humanity there, life and death. Oh, he's so serious. Molly is doing the most skeptical face I have ever seen in my entire life. You are so not into my man.

I know. Listen, I was, I was leaping at this man until this is just like a real actor thing to be like, oh, my acting resume includes my role bringing very real dead people down to the very real morgue because it just taught me a little bit about myself. Like that makes me think that his actual personality might be like slightly insufferable. I mean, I'm going to throw this out here. I don't think Oscar Isaac is the Zamey Silly Sillyman that I'm really looking for in a partner, but I wouldn't you know, I wouldn't snuff my

fucking box, you know what I mean? Apparently, Oscar Isaac beat out some big name actress to land the lead role in Cohen brothers inside Lewin Davis, which you know what? He's great in and all the music is really great. And this

is really adorable. Oscar Isaac got his uncle a role in Star Wars. One of the most impressive things Isaac has done throughout his career is probably scoring his uncle, a Star Wars superfan with no acting experience, a part in the Force Awakens. While I guess on the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, Isaac explained how his uncle came to visit the set, bringing along custom-made T-shirts for everyone. This act of Star Wars kindness ultimately won over director, JJ Abrams,

who asked him if he wanted to be an extra in the film. And that's actually pretty sweet. I'll give it to you. That's very sweet. That kind of stuff doesn't happen. really ever, you know? That's very sweet. But that's it. That's my list because I'm in love with Oscar Isaac.

I love your list. I love everything it's going on, but I'm not loving the fact that you guys are like really kind of hard to see right now. Oh no. And I'm trying to figure out what's going on with that. I don't know. I don't know if it's a problem in my knees or if it's a problem in my elbows. Oh no, I don't think so.

And my shoulders or is it a problem with my eyes? I think I'm going blind. items yeah whatever this permanent A-list mostly movie actor who is an Oscar winner says that when he was with this actress

all of you know that she used to peg him on an almost daily basis and would discuss and that's not the I feel like that's I want to be sex positive here I don't think that's like oh crazy this is the part that annoys me especially about these two particular people involved and would discuss it everywhere they went whether it be the grocery

store or in front of other actors. They love to flaunt it. What couple from back in the day... Just that something to flaunt. Whatever you do in your bedroom, you do in your better room, you do in your better. Like, I don't understand why you have to be like, I got to do these things. Who famously flaunted. Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie. 100%. Remember that limo ride where they're like, we just had sex in the limo. You're like, oh, I remember couples like you. I hate couples like you. Your sexy love is like no more special than anyone else is just because you want to tell reporters about it and act all like gross. Oh, I hate it. the honeymoon phase. I hate watching other people go through the honeymoon phase. Make someone

to throw up. I want you to just jump to the part where you both are used to each other and able to contain yourselves around other people in public spaces. That or at least, maybe not speaking for myself, just get better at not talking about it anymore. Yeah. I think it's really what it is. Keep the magic alive. Keep doing all your crazy, sexy secret things. Yeah. The more secret you keep them, the more sexy they are. Yeah, the more sexy. is all, I just, but honestly, I hate, I hate the face. We're like, oh, we, you know, this is what I was liking it to. We figured out the secret and no one else knows it.

Our love is this secret that no one knows. We've unlocked it with our secret love keys. And you don't even understand, Holden. Our thing is, and I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm looking at my watch. Give it three months. Give it six months. You're getting up just like everybody else in a real relationship,

or you'll be broken up because there's too much. because this is not healthy. This is not how being the grumposaurus rex is what you're being. You're being a grumpo. Haterosaurus rex. Yeah, hatersaurus wrecks. To be fair, though, Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie are too incredibly attracted people and it's probably a turn on to be like, I'm so hot, they're so hot,

I'll tell everybody about how we did a big bang. Like, you know, understandable. Yeah, to get other people hot, that's great. But it is, I just, I don't really understand. and when people think they're just so crazy with their sex that everyone needs to know about it is really what it is. Yeah, right.

Ah, you know, I get it good. Just so you guys, you guys order and I got my kela. I got my keelah gobble, bitches. We see that. It's turkey time. It's turkey time, bitches. It's a problem.

It is three hours earlier there, and therefore this is a problem. I'm not that drunk. It was a little bit in my little glass. This next one, this A-list, mostly movie actor who enjoys very young blondes tipped his, by the way, this is a positive one.

This is a nice one, happy one. What? This A-list, mostly movie actor who enjoys very young blondes tipped his pot delivery person $1,000 this week. That's nice. Leo. That's very nice. He's also, he's very attractive.

Everybody wants to. Leo. It's not Leo? No, not Leo. Yeah, I don't know why it's very young blondes. I forgot about that part. I didn't think he would normally associate it necessarily with that. Okay, then give us a little.

little more, like a couple more hints of who he could be because now it's just open end. Connected to the last one a little bit. Connected to the last one. Brad Pitt. Yeah. Brad Pitt. Wow. Wow. That's nice. That is a feel good story. That is so nice. I mean, I'm not tipping that crazy, but I'm trying to tip hard on if I ever order delivery from, you know, for food and stuff. You have to. Tip in cash if you can and tip hard if you can. Yeah, dude. All right. This last. one's a bit of a long one to read out, but it is really fun. It's really interesting, so here we go.

This foreign-born A-List dual-threat actor has been reflective while hanging out in isolation. Contrary to what he should be doing, he has had several friends over at a time to hang out and do some drinking. Apparently, two weekends ago, while in the middle of sharing stories and drinks, our actor pulled out a folder of scripts. These were not movie scripts or a script for a television show. Nope. It was a collection of two and three-page scripts from a previous relationship he had, and what he was supposed to say and when. It was written by someone with screenwriting expertise and had stage cues and everything. Also with the scripts were schedules for the days they were together, including locations and places they would visit. It was also scripted to where they would

sit in restaurants so they could be seen from the outside. It listed the photographers that would be used. There were all about 10 of these schedules, and then just some other miscellaneous documents suggesting that the actor should wear that day and what his partner would be wearing. Yet another set of pages told him what he was allowed to say about the relationship and what he couldn't say. It offered suggested alternatives if he couldn't answer that question or a pivot he could take instead. He was also not supposed to print anything, which of course he did. And he did print something to destroy all copies afterwards, which he did not. All right. So this a big couple and you said they're both actors?

No, an actor and the other one has been in film, but singer. The lady is a singer. Katie Perry and Orlando Bloom. No, close-ish, kind of in the right, neither of those people, but kind of in the right zone. In the right realm of people? In the right realm, in the shadow realm of blind items. This is close-ish.

Big name couple. Kim and Kanye? Fuck off. Jackie. What do you got for me, Molly? I'm not, I'm, I got nothing. Wait. Okay. A-list, A-list movie actor and pop star. Yeah. Who the fuck? The A-list movie actor, he's foreign. I'll have to, he is in motherfucking, he's, he's a big Marvel Universe guy.

Oh. She, gigantic pop star. Massive pop star. Okay, Marvel Universe guy. Um, fucking Robert Tony Jr. Jeremy, what's his name? He was in one of her music videos. Mark Ruffalo. No.

He was in one of her music. You're not talking about Miley Cyrus and Chris Hemsworth, are you? Jackie, can you please? That was a great fucking answer. Can you please? No, Cell and Jackie Holder. That was a good guess. Marvel universe.

You're bad at giving the info. But regardless is not the right answer. Fucking Marvel universe. Who am I missing? Robert Downey, Junior's in it, but I don't know who he dates. Yeah, it's not Robert Johnny Jr. Who else is in those movies?

I don't watch those movies. Okay. She is like, I have a really obvious hint for her. She, she's great. I think she's fantastic. Oh, good. Great. Oh, done.

I must know. Is that Taylor Swift, is it? Yes. And Taylor Swift, who did Taylor Swift date? Marvel Universe, British actor, was in one of her music videos. Oh, you mean, they're not. currently dating. No.

Is it Tom Hiddleston? See that? Tom Hiddleston. Their relationship was fake. Tom Hittleston. They were an item over the course of most of 2016 after she broke up with Calvin Harris. Apparently the lyrics of the song Getaway Car, one of my personal favorites, off of reputation,

are about the whole thing. In that song, she sings, the ties were black, but lies were white. I wanted to leave him. I needed a reason. You were driving the getaway car. We were flying, but we'd never get far. but with three of us honey, it's a side show and a circus and a love story and now we're both sorry. It's because it wasn't a real relationship.

Also, I looked it up and man, they are so matchy, matchy as a couple and all the clothes that they're wearing. Like, I had to go check that. It is so matchy to a point where I kind of believe this. I think that she's, yeah, I think her teams, the restraints on her by her team and everything, I think have loosened over the more more, like, more but I believe this. I totally believe this.

Oh, me too. I remember at the time, too, where it was just so blatant. I know that obviously a lot of people say this about a lot of different relationships, but it did make sense, it's like they both had this thing coming out. It made a lot.

I feel like it was one of those things that maybe even, it was encouraged for her to try. You know, like that kind of thing. It was more of a nudge of like, We all are aware of the fact that publicity teams encourage celebrities to do things for their own good and for the way things look. And unfortunately, sometimes it comes down to the relationship. I'm sure they had fun. They were both really hot.

You know, I'm sure they had a good time. But thank you, Holden. Can you see? I can. No, I'm still blind. But either way, let's finish it out. Yeah. We should close it out.

I have to go to the doctor. Oh, no. Is it just like, is it like COVID coming back except? Yeah. You could just blindness, but just utter blindness. Yeah. Oh, well, we'll figure it out. Yo, if this is the end of the episode, we have to mention before we forget to bring it up,

check out the newest last podcast on the left live show in New Orleans. It is from the 2019 show that the boys did. You go to www. Last PodcastLive.com to check out Back in the Habit. Their second live special they're releasing, the price is just $6.66. Perfect thing to watch

while you're chilling at home right now. It is fantastic, and you must, must catch it. Again, that's www. www.lastpodcastlive.com. Hell yeah. What's that, Comedy Bird?

It's a funny special. Oh, my God. The comedy. Bird likes it. The comedy bird likes nothing. Yeah. I just burned a building down with people in it. Oh, man. Well, Comedy Bird, I don't know about all that.

Let's not do that, Comedy Bird. Arson is not a funny subject. It sounds like someone's trying to write new plot points in the movie Gile, which I would also completely understand. I'm an arsonist, but I'll love you,

Ben Affleck. See, I'd love to watch him have sex. with a Chrome. Also, if you want to hear about me say another website out loud, go check us out on Patreon. Patreon.com forward slash page 7 podcast for just $5 a month. You get a weekly bonus episode. And also it just really goes to help us continue to do this podcast for you guys. And also you can listen to the already, I believe that we've hit 13 or 14 recorded hours of modeling. Oh my God. We are still. I I'm still recording it.

We are still releasing it. I've got about 150 pages left. So get it while it's hot. Get it before there's a cease and desist because it could happen. And I'm having fun. And I think that people are having fun slamming their heads against the wall. And if I don't, if you guys don't listen to it, then it's like I'm doing it for nothing. And then what is my life?

Also, this will come out actually, I believe, before this is going to happen. I'm doing a 12-hour stream for COVID relief, and that's going to happen from 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. and that's going to happen on my Twitch. Twitch.tv.tv.tv.tv. hold night or host. Yes, Jackanese will happen during the course of that stream. And yes, there will be a page 7 block with me, Jackie, Molly, and Natalie at the 7 p.m. E.T. hour. It's going to be such a party. Do not miss it. All four of us in one space, I think, for the first time, doing something. Yes. And check it out. It's on Friday, May 1st. 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. Eastern Standard time.

And all you got to do, open your browser go to Twitch.tv. forward slash holdinators ho. You don't have to pay anything, but you can donate whatever you would like to, to the charity that we are going to be donating. All donations. It's a lot of fun. I have really tried to work in Jekinese into my Friday night routine, and it is really a great joy.

Nice. Nice. Yeah. We're glad to have you in chat now. Nowadays, Molly. It's fantastic. I recommend others join. It is a great way to start your Friday of going nowhere. And also, we have the best Twitch community. Everyone is so nice. Everyone is so welcoming.

It's great. There's a lot of, like, it's a great community that we get to hang out with every Friday night. So please come join us. And thank you guys for joining us today on this week's episode of page seven. Please watch Gile. If you can stomach it. And if you can't, I completely fucking understand. But if you do, please let us know what you think.

We love you. My name is Jackie Zabrowski. You follow me on Instagram at Jack That Worm. I am M.J.K.L.Cat on Insta. All right. Thank you so much for joining. Ah, take it for me! The Comedy Bird!

Did the Comedy Girl like our episode? This was a pretty good one, I'd say. Thank you. You know we yelled a lot, but we need to find some... We gotta put our anger somewhere. Sometimes Zegeli, baby. That's right. We love you guys.

We'll talk to you next week. Bye. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors. You can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.