Page 7 - Episode 354: I Reek of Cher

Episode Date: May 21, 2020

We goss about Judi Dench on TikTok, Paris Hilton's newest quarantine video and question if Nicolas Cage is a vampire. Join Jackie's book club! Patreon.com/Page7Podcast Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

podcast starting bird, and I'm here to say it, call! Let's get started! You're just like the dinosaur in Flintstones. No, I was going to give a shout-out. I was doing my 20th anniversary shout-out because it's somebody's birthday today. And yes, whose birthday is it? Oops, I did it again. I played with your heart. Got lost in the game. Is it Christine Aguilera? Yeah, how fucking dare you? And it was like, bama,

man, I remember like singing that into the mirror looking at myself no and I wasn't that innocent even though I was very innocent at the ripe age of 12. It wasn't until 13

until I started getting splody. It is the 20th anniversary of Oops, I did it again, the album. Welcome to page 7. And you know what? If you're talking, you're looking for sploty though, I got it right here. It's me.

I'm exploding. In my... Everywhere. I'm throbbing. Oh, my God. I'm thick. You guys, Jackie's totally exploding right now.

You can't see it because it's a podcast, but she definitely exploded. Is the exploding related to what was going on last week, which was the vegetable diet, and have things changed? And if so, how? I'm sorry, but I need an update. She's not released from it, right?

You still are in it. I'm in it. I'm in it. Because you still have to do one more jacquoise without white claws on your end, right? Yeah, yeah, I'm in it. I'm still in it. I'm doing, it's ups, it's downs. What they don't tell you, what they don't tell you is that it's very difficult.

And just like when I thought that big pluck was lying to us about getting you scared and keeping you scared about not growing out your eyebrows, they were right about this one. It's very difficult. I have It's ups and downs I will say I It's rough It's emotionally very taxing

And all I do is think about eating And I have broken it twice And because if I didn't I thought that I was going to stab someone to death What are we breaking it with? What's the cheat meal when it comes to this source? Is it alcohol you miss most or is it food? It's the food

I don't give a fuck about booze anymore guys It's the food. I want food. I want cheese. I want bread. And the problem is that now I don't know why I just did. I just did this to myself because I got, so Cher came out with a perfume. And I've been meeting to talk about this perfume because I purchased a sample of it online.

And I sprayed myself with it before we started recording because I wanted to remind myself to talk about it. And now I feel like I'm suffocating in my own share stink over here. and that I need a bread. And I want you to put cheese on it. And I want you to be mayonnaise on it. So that's how you feel about her perfume. That you want bread and you want mayo on it and you want mustard on it. The smell of a share makes you want to want a mayo sandwich.

It doesn't make me. I want to share that mayo, baby. Her, it is for older people. I smell old. I smell like I'm in a casket, technically. I wouldn't recommend her new perfume. I'm going to go ahead and say that. Ouch.

Well, this could possibly, though, be, don't take anything Jackie says in this episode or the last episode as truth because she is under this spell of not being able to have sugar. I asked you a little earlier, and I'm too curious, so I have to ask again,

what did we cheat with? What was your cheat cheat? What are we working with here when you cheated those two times? I hope it's something really fun. Guys, you're going to go ahead. I can feel you wanting to judge me, and you will judge me for what I'm about to say. Because, yes, it was Domino's pizza.

Oh, come on. I wanted dominoes. I wanted too much of it. I got all of them had the garlic parmesan sauce on it. It was exactly what I wanted. It wasn't even just like, oh, you had a M&M. You had a snicker spark. I was picturing you, like, in the pantry, like, sneaking some chips.

I love that it was a full-on. You had to order it. You had to get it to your house. I ordered a pizza. I looked Jeff dead in the eyes. And I said, if I have to eat steamed broccoli with nothing on it for dinner tonight, I will kill you in your sleep. And he said, I understand.

We ordered Domino's pizza. Yeah, I hear that. So he cheated as well? Yes, we both cheated. It was like, you know what you get into these fun quarantine fights when you, I really was like, I need to eat something and I was yelling about it and I was like, I need some space. And I went into the car and I started to drive around and it was like, I have nowhere to go. I can't eat anything.

I just want to eat. So I sat in a parking lot of an in and out and I cried. I had a similar situation. Lexi was busy at work and I didn't want to bother her. So I had like a secret little like let's just call it a joke. jerk jerk session, right? Oh, you're not supposed to jerk jerk when she's not around because you're trying to make. No, well, we're trying to make, but it wasn't time for the make-make. We got our make-make in before for that. So anyway. And by, of course, yes, make means they're

trying to have a child. Yeah, we're sort of starting the, we're starting down the road of it, and yet, which is hilarious, because I think if it happened right now, I'd freak out a little bit, but whatever, we can't put it off anymore. Um, but either way, it'll never be the right time. It'll never be the right time, holding. Somebody's reading baby box. So anyways, so I went to had a little secret jerk trick session, but the video I pulled up in my secret session, wouldn't you know my phone's linked to the laptop that my lady's working on? And so said video, boss, which wasn't an embarrassing video.

I'm very, I'm very vanilla. To the point where I got an email a couple weeks ago, this is another side story. I got an email a couple weeks ago, be like, this is your password, isn't it? Yeah, I got a hold of your webcam. You have some really crazy taste in pornography. I filmed your whole session of masturbation, and I'm going to send it to eight people in your contacts list. I'm just reading it.

I'm like, well, none of that's true. I really don't have very kinky tastes at all. And you definitely didn't get a hold of my webcam because I definitely don't masturbate in front of my computer with the webcam. Wait, you got a spam threatening email? I had a friend of that one of those. On 90-day fiancé? Those are popular.

Marie from Reformed Horrors also got one recently, but if you Google it, if you take two seconds to Google, I was laughing as I was reading it because I was like, this is not true. But I looked it up and it's like, dude, this is such a like a spammy email that they get sent around to try to get people to like it. Also, honestly, I'm at the day and age where go ahead and I feel like if you, Holden, if, Molly, if it was sent to you and you open it up and saw, which I don't jerk off in front of my computer. I use my phone like a normal person. I use my phone and also the way the phone is generally positioned. This is why I was laughing about this whole email. Where the phone is positioned, it would literally be pointing at the ceiling. And I, as many of you listeners know, am definitely silent when I'm doing enjoying sex of any kind.

I am at, I am quiet. Wait, why do we know that? I don't know. I feel like I've talked about it before. Because you're such a quiet person? A mummy. I am a mummy during the act. During the whole thing?

Wait. All orgasms or just your solo. You're just a silent solo. I'm pretty quiet for the whole shebang. Definitely during a solo experience. But even in a duo enjoyment, I have to kind of make an effort to vocalize because I just get very quiet. I get very quiet and like serious because I guess it's like I'm so silly and goofy all the time. But like that's when it's like quiet time.

Yeah, it's lame. Everything about me sexually is lame and stupid. It's not lame. It's interesting. It's not what I'm very loud and outspoken. And so I was not expecting you to be like, oh, I'm extremely silent during all orgasm experiences. Right, right. Very quiet.

I mean, I'm not like totally, totally, totally. But I have to make an effort to really vocalize a little bit, I feel like. You know what I mean? Either way, getting back to the video, she didn't care at all. Holden, that is my worst nightmare, though, still. Because my phone is linked to the Apple TV. in the living room, so I'm always so scared that all of a sudden you're just going to come up. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, it happens a lot. I've read a lot of Reddit stories. A lot of good tweets about that. Exactly thing happening. You're having a family over for a barbecue. And then, you know, you go to hit the Bluetooth and whoops. Your preloaded porn from last time is on there.

And now the whole family is listening to a, you know, yikes. 100%. 100%. A hundred percent. Terrify. I'd rather the dream when my teeth fall out than that dream. Jackie, I'm so interested that you are, not to derail again, but it's so interesting to me that Jackie is so horrified by this

because we had a whole show that led to a series of like terrifying posts in the Page 7 Facebook group. This must have been a year or two ago about when Mark Consuelo and Kelly Rippa's child walked in on, like teenage child walked in on them having sex. and it led to all these people talking about when they had walked in on their parents and I was so viscerally horrified. Like everyone was just like, ah, ha, ha, ha, ha.

And I'm like, this would traumatize every, like, I don't even want to, like, there is no perspective from which I want to think about this. Like, this is like a true nightmare, much more so, I think, than, like, getting caught playing porn on Bluetooth. But they're both definitely large nightmares. Right.

I think that it depends on how concerned, of a family you come from or how touchy-feely of a family because again like my mom i've never even see my mom without her shirt off so it's like i can't even imagine yeah exactly right i mean it wouldn't fly with my family but going back to my thing with lexie like she doesn't give a flying fuck she thought it was funny she was like but i immediately was just like i need my privacy you know what I just like had that quarantine moment. I'm just like, I need a moment away. I need one thing that's sacred.

You know what I mean? You know what would be really funny is if you did that and somehow this would be, this is for our future quarantine sketch show. If you somehow your phone or your computer or whatever was connected to hers, she was on some sort of professional meeting. She was in a Zoom. She was sharing her screen. And then, whoops, I'm sharing a porn.

screen. Save it. Patent pending trade market. That's going to be in art. I love it. Patent pending. I'm sure that's got to be on SNL already. They're already doing the quarantine sketches over there. Yeah, if you share it. Share your screen. Because that's a great idea. Share your screen, but then one of the tabs is like, you know, two, two girls one cup or whatever. I don't know what people are watching. I mean, I still use the private browser on my phone as if anyone is going to at my phone. Now, I'm sure Molly, you have to do those things because the kids grab your phone. Not that they know yet what any of that is. Privacy is something that I can only fantasize. Privacy in and of itself is a private fantasy.

Well, this is always the rebuttal, right? It's like, well, when we have kids, you're not going to have any free time. You're not going to have any privacy. And then I'm just like, but that's not happening right now. I need it now. Relish it, Holden. You just, just, just, just, just I cannot emphasize enough that if you do not have children living in your house you just have to fuck around as much as you can right now. Just waste hours at a time.

Molly, if you could see my Saturday, you would jump off of a bridge. If you saw what my Saturday looks like. Don't do that to Molly. No, tell me, tell me. I want to hear about it. Tell me, just grab it to me. All right, I sleep into like one usually.

I wake up. I wake up, I put on the coffee, I throw on a podcast I like, and I make myself a delicious breakfast just for me. Eggs, bacon, well, now you're hurting me. I don't know why I'm being brought into the... Because you can't eat anything right now.

And then after that, maybe I'll shower, maybe I'll stay on my PJs, and I just plop down on the couch. And then literally I have zero plans, and I read, and I play video games, and I watch movies when I feel like. like it for the rest of the day. This is, this reminds me I used to do a, uh, uh, an activity with my students where, um, they have to give an expert speech on something. And I say, you know,

everybody's an expert in something. I'm sure you guys probably did this in acting school. Like, uh, you have to speak, um, you know, extemporaneously for three minutes on something that you're an expert on. And so it's like you can be an expert on Pokemon cards or making a sandwich or, you know, silly things. And so one time I was doing this, uh, what are you? you an expert on activity with middle schoolers. And the sixth grader was like, I'm an expert on having a really good Saturday. And I was like, oh, yeah. And this was years ago, way before I had kids.

And I was like, okay. And it was so fun. She was just like went into the exactly like you hold. She was like, you sleep in. You. And she was like 11. So you're likening hold into a middle school. Which I couldn't agree with more.

But it was great. Her day was like, wake up, go down. go outside and go to the bodega and get like a breakfast sandwich but also get a bunch of candy for later. Come back up. I'm all about it. Come back up to your apartment. Take a really long shower. Make sure that nobody else needs the bathroom so that you can shower as long as you want.

And then like get all the candy you bought at the bodega and like decide what you're going to watch on Netflix. And I was just, I was an adult who didn't have kids and I was still like, fuck yeah. This sounds like a great Saturday. You are an expert at Saturday. Yeah. I mean, it still sounds like. sick. Like, I find myself on my day off, I end up washing, like, washing the bathroom floor by hand, but that's because I've got mental problems. You've got Lexi's disease. Lexi's the same way.

She is compelled to work, and she doesn't feel like she can just not do. I love not doing. I think it's great. I might exercise that day, and I forgot to mention one thing. One of the things I do before I even make the breakfast, I do all the dishes, I take out the trash, I make sure everything is, you nice and tidy and perfect and clean, right? That's good. Because then you sit down. Then you eat that big breakfast, you take that shower, you sit down. I'm going to go ahead and say a lot of marijuana is involved.

And I am just, I am in the zone. And I know. And I have that ultimate inner piece because I know the dishes are done. The trash is. Like if any of that sitting there, I'll be thinking about it. So I'll take care of all that stuff right up top of the day. Do you guys remember when we used to be like really cool? Remember like we had a period of time?

No, I don't. When technically we were very cool. I'm gonna say I guess technically I was cool kind of because I did comedy in New York City. But no, this was always me. This was just a part of me that had to be rediscovered, to be honest. Party and all the time. I don't know. I feel like it's worth noting that I got to be friends with both of you guys by like largely through like obviously being at shows most nights.

of the week, but also just like drinking in the middle of the day outside. Like, I feel like that's my association with early friendship with birth to you, just like, oh, it's Saturday? I'll tell you what's a good Saturday when you're in your early or mid-20s. You're in a

small concrete patio somewhere in Brooklyn, and there's 30 people in there, and it's meant to only be for 10 people and there's just a fuck ton of people in there. It's way too early to be drunk, but you're already drunk, and you're just back there hanging out. Sweeting.

Sweeting. And people just keep showing up. They just keep showing up. I do miss that. I miss just walking down like around in Williamsburg and running into like 10 people just going a few blocks because everyone's out. For sure. That's definitely was fun.

But I will say, I mean, I don't miss it. But yes, I do have many memories of waking up on a Sunday to the sounds of football, completely hung over from the night before. And on the couch with a beer in my hand surrounded by like five or six friends, literally an hour later, like an hour later going from waking up, never wishing to drink another sip of alcohol ever again to a beer in my hand halfway there. It's the only way to get through it. It is the only way.

But I don't necessarily miss that, but I do remember it with fondness. That's exactly how I feel about most things I did for about 10 years. I don't exactly miss it, but I remember it with, oh, tremendous fondness. The fondness just gets stronger. I just remember at that time I was putting cheese on everything. I had meat on it. So you're just out of your mind with this food fucking situation. Back that I was eating bread.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, good friends, outdoors, socializing. No, it's have you back. And by the way, Jackie, in like three months from now, you're going to look back on this time and be like, why did I fucking put myself through that? Why did I possibly do this? No. What is, what is, are you getting? Okay, actually, let me ask you this question, Jackie. Are you gaining, are you gaining any benefit from this?

I mean, I will say I'm losing a lot of weight, but it is all going to come back on. It's all immediately going to come back on. I am just, I am doing this to see if I can. That's it. So how much, how much, where are we at? Can you give a number? How many LBs? I don't, no, I don't believe in scales.

But I will say the shirt I have on. right now is a lot bigger than it used to. I'm sorry. You don't believe in scales, like you don't believe them? Like, you don't believe the reading they give up. Yeah, I don't believe in them. I don't think that weighing anything is real.

I think that the idea of weight. I am against the metric system. Yeah. I am against the idea that weight exists. What a 2020 viewpoint to have. Don't offend me. I, weight doesn't exist anymore, all right? Don't you give me a fucking kill.

because I'm going to take him and shove it up my ass. I think Jackie's right. You shouldn't have scales in your house if you are easily upset by them. I think that's totally true. I have a different problem where I have not somehow had a full-length mirror in my house for like, I'm going to say seven years and it's not on purpose. It's just an accident. I feel like a lot of people do that on purpose and I think it's a good idea.

But it has led to me just I never have any idea what I look like. Like zero. don't know if an outfit looks good. You know, I think you do need a mirror. I don't know how you live that life. Every room I'm in has seven mirrors. Because I have, again, mental illness problems. Lexi and I are like battling with each other about getting more.

She wants more mirrors in the space. I despise mirrors. I think maybe it's just because of many mushroom trips, you know, in the past. Yeah, but you have to have one pointed towards the door. You have to have one to make sure. You got to keep the demons out, bro. I just, I do not like looking at myself in the mirror. I don't really have self-esteem issues.

There's just some magic to it. There's some dark magic. I don't have self-esteem issues. I wish. I fucking, God, what a blessing. I feel too big, like the next over 200 pounds person, but you know what I mean? It's like, I, I, it doesn't, it's, that's, I don't think that's why I have, I have the mirror issue.

I just don't, there's some, there's a, there's a, hour going on there and I just don't my actually my least favorite thing ever I know ed's old bathroom had it I can't remember if his new one does I fucking hate the fucking dick view mirror in the bathroom whenever there's a mirror that is like all the way down and ladies don't have to deal with this unless you pee in a weird way um but when a mirror that when you piss and you look at the wall which is what you do when you piss you can see your entire genitals What are you scared of? Why are you scared of your own penis?

I think we need to unlock this. I don't watch my own penis pee. Sorry, I'd rather watch something else. It's interesting. It's not once, maybe. I've been in bathrooms where I can see my whole body while I'm peeing. I'm trying to think it must be in a bar. That's even worse for ladies because you're hunched over.

Yeah, I don't like it either. You're sort of squatting down. I don't like it, but I feel like it's happened. I like watching the light leave. my eyes as I take a horrible shit. And I don't even like a dokey joke, so you guys know I don't. This is kind of like talking

TV, but the opposite. We've made it 23 minutes into the episode. I haven't talked about, you know what? Celebrity culture is changing, guys. And maybe it's time for us to talk about our mirror using. I guess we could

definitely be talking about Paris Hilton a thousand percent because talk about, oh no, he's putting up a mirror to us right now. It's like two look at two. Yeah, I'm a fucking Robert Frost bitch. I really love Bears

Hilton. I love two things. Robert Frost and Paris Hilton. That's all you need to know about me and I need bread. Those are three things. Three things you need to know about me. It's mayo. Man, I miss mayo. Oh, I'm

going to slather everything with mayo. The last thing I would miss on that diet. And the thing ends. Memorial Day, just throwing that out there. Talk about hot dogs. You can have a hot dog and like a potato salad. Oh, yeah. I mean, not really, not.

This is more of like a life change thing, but I can definitely eat a hot dog. And all the mayo. But Paris Hilton is doing all of these quarantine videos. All right. All right. If you could eat, if you could eat five things right now, what are we going with? Top five things. Why are you doing this to me?

I want Froger. I want Froger. I want Froger, definitely. I'm going to count Froger to. is the first two because I want it so badly. Because it's two different types, right? What are we talking about? Like, what are we topping that with him and hims?

Black sprinkles, colorful sprinkles. The fudge, ooh, the fudge that like hardens or whatever when you pour it on the thing. I'm into a turtle show. Magic show. It's a, yeah, I'm into the show. I'm definitely more, I mean, I think I've said this before. And if you guys know one thing about me after the three things I said earlier, what you need to know is that I love sprinkles. I think I've said this on your, I will.

Any excuse to eat sprinkles? Robert Frost. Four things. Peres Hill. Sprinkles. Bread. I love sprinkles. I need a crunch.

I always need a crunch. You know what? I can tie this into a celebrity thing. Yeah, we'll try it. Right. Is it? The celebrity thing is that there's a food network person, and I know we might talk about the food network later,

but there's a food network person named Molly Ye. And maybe I have a thing with other people named Molly, because I think I should be the only one. That's my name. I get it. Exactly. So that's my name. thing. She's a midwesterner also like me, but she is, her show is called Girl Meets Farm,

and her food all looks very good. And I think I, I can't decide if I like her or I hate her, but she loves sprinkles. She's like a sprinkle expert, such that other chefs. I don't need to be like this now. And please, it's because I'm hungry. But looking at Malie Yeh reminds me of the girl, a 90-day fiancee this season, who is like, I know, I'm so crazy. I'm, I'm so crazy. I'm like this hot girl, but I eat pizza. Yes, yes. Like she looks like that person. Is that so crazy?

I have eaten the carb this week. She has totally like hot girl who eats pizza vibes. She's like, oh, I guess I'll just add more sprinkles. Isn't that a little bit fun? More sprinkles? Like she has totally. So that's crazy. I know every sprinkle is at is 0.3 calories.

I'm sorry, Maliye. It has nothing to do with you. I'm just looking at your picture. I am solely judging you on how hungry I am. All right. So Froger Froger's number one and number two Are we talking savory anything?

I guess cheese something, right? I mean, do you still have Is dominoes on this? By the way, come on, doggar. Dominoes, bro? I wanted it. Like, when you ordered it when I was out there, I was like kind of, I just,

it made me feel bad, like bad. Of course it does. It's trash. You could still like great pizza and also appreciate trash. Agreed. I totally am with you, but I'm more of a Papa John.

Pizza Hut boy. Sorry, I know he's problematic, but whatever. You know what I mean? Before he said all the bad stuff. No to Papa John. No to Papa John's. But you know, before. This is not a Papa John's. You go find your Bent Kiss. I'm talking about before.

I mean, this is, I don't eat gross pizza anymore because I live in New York City and I don't, I mean, I'm not insane like Ben. No, but don't you ever go to Target? You want because I'm a bad place to get pizza? Oh, I'm a snob! Oh, I'm a snob! Oh, Papa John's a shitty bad pizza. Domino's is good shitty pizza and Pizza Hut is good shitty pizza

So good that if I am I live in New York City Where there's very good pizza on every block And if I'm at a target I will eat a Pizza Hut personal pan pizza Even if I'm not hungry I don't care it's not gonna be hot It's gonna be warm It's gonna be congealed and it's gonna be so good

Pizza Hut I think is legit I've been craving Pizza Hut a little bit lately I'm kinda I'm gonna throw it out there It's a personal preference thing So don't come at me, Facebook. Don't come at me, Twitter world, okay? Well, they already are. And you know what?

And if they want to, I don't like Domino's. They can come at me because you know what also is shit? Little Caesars. I'm saying it right now. Little Caesars is shit. I'm saying it right now.

That doesn't hold up. We all have different beliefs. That doesn't hold up. The only bad, you know, and that's okay. Pizza is Papa John. I just got a text for my wife and I just fell more in love with her. I didn't even know that was possible.

She wrote, oh my gosh, I love Pizza Hut. Looks like we're having Pizza Hut in the apartment this week. Fantastic. But I will say not a big Domino's fan. Quarantine couples together. Bringing us together and ripping us apart because of modern technology alerting my wife to the pornography that I'm watching.

But I will say this. I am Team Pizza Hut and honestly, can all of them Domino's Pizza Little Zincet? Can you just do the damn garlic dipans thing? It's solved the crust problem of 19-19. 87, but you won't do it. So good. Put the garlic dip in. That's what Domino's does. See, I feel like you're not giving Domino's its fresh shake. Because the hand toss does that. It fucking does that and it's delicious.

Domino's more like Dama nose. Ouch. You bastard. Holly, what's going on in politics, huh? What's going on with the presidential race and everything? We're talking about Judy Dench right now. Old people. Old people can to colonize TikTok. I will say that. Hell yeah. Good. Oh, yeah, Dane, Judy, Dinch, ripping it up on TikTok.

I watched all of those in that article, Jackie. They were fantastic. I can't look up. The account is Sam. That Williams 1. It is her grandson's account. And so he's been doing these TikToks with Dame Judy Dench where apparently, which I think that she actually does because I was trying to see if maybe it was just all faked. is that she knows the answer to every dumb fuck joke you can imagine, just by thinking about it for half a second, and she's pure and she's perfect. And another whole, it's like the Anthony Hopkins on social media thing.

I didn't know that I would love all of this so much. But you know what it is? It's because it's not like, oh, look at her. She's old. She doesn't know any better. No, she's fucking giving it her fucking juice, man. It's great. I'd so much rather watch named Judy Dench do these TikTok dances than watch these little

hots with their three sprinkles on the frogert. I don't want to watch it right now. And maybe it's just because I'm hungry. And that's okay. Because I have been talking at this level for a week of half. I have thanked God for this in the past, but I cannot say it more strongly right now. Thank fucking God I'm not your boyfriend. I couldn't fathom what it's like right now.

I'm a nightmare, and Jeffrey is perfect. He's very good to me. He's very patient. You know, yeah, he told me. He texted me. He said, I woke up last night and looked up in the top corner of my room, and it was straight out of hereditary. Jackie was attached to the top corner of the bedroom, and she just looked at me and she just

looked at me. Cheese. Cheese. So we ordered some Domino's. You said you cheated twice, by the way. So Domino's was the first time. What was the other? time. Good question. The other

time was I ate a little bit of pork off of a grill. Oh, that's what I was expecting. I couldn't not. I was like, I'm gonna die if I don't eat it. That's fine. That's what I was expecting. More so like a little treat not a fucking massive order it at the end of the day

if you're gonna do it. Yeah, you gotta go. What does it matter man? Start over again tomorrow? Who cares? I don't think you should be doing this at all. So yeah, definitely order it. It's a test of wills. It really is. I know that it's a test of wills. I know that it is a nightmare choice. I was going to say, sorry to derail. We can go back to talking about Dade Judy Ditch

and her awesome. She's just perfect. I think you guys should look it up in the same way that I love Paris Hilton and watching her horrible. You know what it is too? We're getting so upset about celebrities right now, especially these people that are on these huge estates that are like, it's so hard,

it's so hard. I think it's why I love Paris Hilton even more. She's like, look at this guy. She's having a great time. on the holiday. Don't pretend it's hard. Watching her try to keep hold of all of her tiny dogs makes me so happy. I love her so much.

And my favorite two is it halfway through this video. I was like, oh great. It's like a daily harvest ad because she's like, you know, I'm getting like really snacky. And so I've been eating all these snacks. And so she makes a pizza. It's like, it's great because it's like really good for you because of sweet potato cross.

And then sometimes, and she takes out a bunch of, of Sargento shredded cheddar cheese and put it all over it and put it into the oven. It's like, it's the opposite of what you're supposed to do. I love her so much. She is just, and then she wanted to like, she wanted to make sure that she,

she named her dog Princess Paris. One of her dogs is named Princess Paris. That's amazing. She's killing it. She's killing the game, and that's because she, you know, wrangling those dogs probably easily takes up five hours of her day just alone.

But she's also kudos to her. She's clearly actually painting a lot and doing a lot of collage work and stuff. And that's exactly the kind of mental health approach I think one should take creatively during this time. And I really love it. Although this brings me to my biggest quarantine question about celebrities and how they're quarantining. We've talked about how annoying it is that they're like, oh, I'm alone in my big,

beautiful house. Okay. But truly, how much. How much staff are they quarantining with, right? Paris Hilton is not doing her own dishes. She's not walking those dogs. Like, I really, like, is Kim Yeh, you know, not having any child care for their kids? Like, I really want to know how many different people are there working for them.

Are they making them go home and come back? Are they making them stay? Like, I want to know what the celebrity quarantine really looks like. Molly, I am here for you. A blind item I did not choose from this last week was about Paris Hilton. And it was exactly that. It was like she's got hair people coming over. She's got making people coming over.

She's got all these different staff people coming over all the time while she's in quote-unquote quarantine. And the only one who's not coming over is her boyfriend, who of course she said she was. Oh, no. That was the blind item. That was the blind item. But she's been avoiding him, which was really funny because I read that blind item and didn't decide to use it. And then I saw your video you sent us, Jackie, with her at her boyfriends. And I thought that was kind of funny.

Yes. Because she went or her Malibu quarantine. I'm going to go ahead and assume that a lot of people have their in-house care that lives there. That does not leave. So they're just quarantining with them. As someone that even just was a nanny in the Hamptons every summer, I wasn't fucking allowed to leave. So I imagine during quarantine that rich people also wouldn't allow them. They just have staff live there.

So it's not that big a deal, right? It's both that and they have, I mean, the very rich, the very famous have doctors that come to them and give them the test whenever the fuck they want it, which is at least once a week probably. So, and everybody who comes into contact with them, right? So anybody is getting it. Like if you're super rich, you've got, you're paying someone to come, test you, test the family. Test because essentially it's this, right? I could go over to your house. right now, Molly B, is you have a doctor, you're rich enough to own a doctor, who would give me the test,

and then we'd wait for the results of the test, and then we'd give each other a big hug and hang out for the rest of it. Okay, but then the question is, you own a doctor, right? What do you name your doctor? What's your new doctor's name? Doctor, Dr. Field Good. Are you kidding? Oh, hell yeah.

I was thinking more of, like, doctor, like, trinkie-doo. So then it's more of, like, I own you, like you're my toy. Jackie, it's a doctor, not a teletop. What the fuck are we talking about here? Yeah, but maybe I'll suction cup something onto his forehead and I'll start playing with it and go, oh, my radio isn't so good. And I'll make him sing little songs.

But just like you said, Holden, Beyonce. Don't worry, I'll never be rich. Beyonce got a test and her whole family got a test so that she could see her mom for Mother's Day, which is nice. Everybody should be able to do that. That's great. That's it.

I know, exactly. I am, by the way, well, I don't know. I mean, maybe that should. But it looks like I'm going to be testing me own stuff next Tuesday. So. For antibodies? I'm interested to see. Uh, yeah.

Nice. I want to do that too. Oh, I really thought you meant your cum. I thought this was a cum. No, it was just like, I was going to say, we already tested it as cum.

We know that. Yeah, I jerked off in those. I jerked off in the weird room with the black leather chair that I didn't sit in because like, why would I sit in that chair? That's so gross and weird. And, uh, yeah,

they had the DVD. No, no, it just covered in other men's sweat. It was, So great. Like the whole situation was so bad. It was, by the way, it was the middle of the summer. Tell me about the DVD selection.

Um, you know, I didn't peruse too hard because I had my phone and like, I'll just use my own personal preference. This is not like pick up a fucking porn mag that someone else used. I mean, they were enticing. There were a few pornographic magazines. There were definitely some DVDs. And it made me laugh about people older than me that had to do it like that. It did.

It did make me. I love the DVD. still. I remember what I would use to order from Adam and Eve and they would always like throw in a free like trashy DVD. My favorite were always just like girls on tractors. It's like oh no, they're having too much fun cutting the grass. My top fell off and oh I guess I have to slob on your knob and those are my favorites. I'm getting a little too into that fantasy. Yeah. Is it because you're thinking about women wearing their trichinis over the summer? Which we do need to discuss. We need to tell about the trikinis.

At first I was like, what the fuck is this? And then I looked at, I was like, this makes total sense. This actually makes it a little less shitty to have to wear a mask all the time. To have it be fashionable and fun, fashion forward, not bashing backwards. You are so right. We are talking about trikinis. Trikinis are little kiniies that are coming out that also have the matching face mask a part of it. Now, my main issue is I can't imagine in 100,000 years wearing a kini, that teeny.

But you know what, man, you start making big ones. You start making a, you know, get me a tankini? Try, trinkini. I love a tankini. I love my beach look is long board shorts that go to my knees, like a surfer, like rash guard style shirt that cover, that goes all the way to my wrists and up to my neck. So then just get me like a bala clava that goes like, you know, nose all the way down. So that basically from right below my eyes to below my knees is completely covered. And that's my sexy beach look.

Woo. But see, I love that kind of sexy beach look because then it's always just guessing like, ooh, girl, what does she have on underneath? Right. What's there? Or boy, I don't care. I'm always going to wonder. I like full overalls.

is my beach look with a hay hat and I blacken one of my teeth to really make the whole look come together. I know that this is a total diversion and forgive me, but thinking about beach wear when I recently watched Too Hot to Handle, which is so much fun. So happy for your journey.

I'm so happy for you, Molly. Are you about to talk about the underbreast? Because the underbreast is large and in charge. My two notes, I did finish it. My two notes on Too Hot to Handle are there is indeed an extraordinary amount of underbreast. Every girl wears, you know, bikinis that are too small for their boobs. And then also every boy, and I like this.

My second note is a big positive. All the boys wear very, very short trunks, which I think is a nice trend. Yeah. I'm so into short trunks on gentlemen callers. Now, the problem is that I can't even imagine. a million years, having my breast shoved into some sort of spandex strip where they're squished so hard that they burst up top and they burst up down below, but then they also don't move. So are they taped in?

Yeah, I can't speak to that. I'm sure. I don't know what they're doing with those things. But it was also like, it was such an excessive use of underbreast. It was so forced with, I feel like at times with them that they all had. to have that look. I mean, yeah, it was very alarming. They must tape it down for sure. I just always love too that, and I would be right there with them, especially, especially. All the boys, they had to kind of do the full arm treatment across the lap because they're flirting with these insanely

hot women. They're unable to have sex. I am so upset because we talked about this. I don't know hold info I was talking about this with you because Henry was screaming about it with the, with the watches. They should have been going off all the time. Two dudes sitting on a couch, make them kiss. Like he's like two, he's like not make them, but like encourage it. Just a random couple. Just a random, make friends. A lot of them to touch. But especially if it was gay. They should have made it gay more. Yeah. We talked about this. That would have been fun for it to be more gay. Yes. For sure. Because if I was in that kind of situation, I'm sitting next to anyone. I'm given an opportunity. It's like, well, why not?

Have to, right? I mean, we only get this one other. It's a man. You're horny as hell. They should have had like, ooh, the hottest guy and the like not as hot girl. Oh, your watches are green. Are you totally going to go at it? Yep.

It'll be so much fun. Totally, right? Fuck it. Instead, they used it in this morality way, which was so boring. It was like, now that you've made this next step in your relationship will make the watch go off. Whereas it should have been a chaos maker. Yeah. Everybody's different, too.

Like, how dare you judge when the next step is? It was very puritanical. Yeah, the whole premise of the show was this, like, funny, uh, goofy premise. And then they, like, slowly made it somehow boring. And it was like, why, you know, that's my big complaint. They, like, totally lost the way with the show. I would love to be in control of a show like this because it would just be like, how crazy would that be, too, if, like, the watches went on.

I mean, if I'm in this situation, watch goes off. I'm with an attractive woman. Even though we're totally friend zoned, I'd be like, do you want to like straight up fuck right now? Because we could. Let's go fuck right now. Like right now in front of everybody. Yeah, you're going to get more screen time too.

Sure, you'll get more screen time but you get you nut out. I mean, at that point it's just like, or just hands, just hand stuff, just whatever, just consent to whatever, just anything you want to get into. You're gripsy, grabsie. But they're all, they're all so horny. You're totally right. They should have just like tempted people all the time in addition to. Yeah.

Yeah. So my initial theory. which I think I floated on Jaconese is that they should have made it so that you make money if you have a same sex interaction and then you lose money if you have an opposite sex interaction.

Encourage it. Let's have some fun. Let's try some things out. Isn't that what an island is for? But I think you guys are right that it should just be, they should have just encouraged everybody to fuck around. Yeah, I mean, honestly, I'd be like,

oh my God, just I'll jerk you off, you jerk me off. You know what I mean? It'd be like one of the, like, if the watch went off. The watch could tell you, like, you can have a handy with this person. You know, like, they could dictate the act

and then you decide if you want to do that act. Yes. You know, hands no kisses. Yeah, something like that. Ooh, hands no kisses. Which would be so great, dude. That would be so fun. Yeah, they totally blew so many opportunities.

You know, I think it was definitely the same production team as the circle. And in the circle, I do think some of the morality stuff and some of that stuff worked. Whereas here it's like, Come on, guys. This is such an evil premise.

Can you just be evil about this one? Can we just be fully cynical here and just make a bunch of horny people crazy? Let's just make as crazy as we can make them. For sure. Anyways, but I'm glad you're doing that. I'm also glad that there are celebrity conspiracies. Wow. This is one of my favorite ones, and it is true.

Jackie already thinks it's true I'm not going to ask Jackie I think it's true I will only ask Molly and myself at the end of this and I also think it's true I'm not gonna be biased Is Nicholas Cage a vampire That is trapped in a centuries long war

With John Travolta Oh I think probably yes I'm gonna do a little screen sharing Because it's very important That you see these pictures Screen sharing great Wow this is a real Zoom meeting we got

This is a real one This is a real Zoom meeting Okay so you definitely need to Um, put the microphone on mute and get into an argument with your significant other during the Zoom meeting. Now is not the time. Give me something to eat. Okay. So, here we go.

Back in 2011, a photo was posted to eBay, taken in 1870 of a man that strongly resembles Nicholas Cage under the headline Nicholas Cage is a vampire. The seller also said, personally, I believe it's him. And that he is some sort of walking undead slash vampire, etc. who quickens slash reinvents himself once every 75 years or so. Whoa. The seller's name is Jack Mord

who also wrote, my theory is that he allows himself to age to a certain point, maybe 70, 80 or so. Then the actor Nicholas Cage will die. But in reality, the undead vampire Nicholas Cage

will have rejuvenated. See, all right, can I also just throw it out there because I feel like you might not hit on this. If you look at young Nick Cage, movies because we're talking about this with Valley Girl. He looks like a different person. Some may say it was before

he made this choice. What do you think? Okay, that guy does look. This does look like him. Exactly like Nicholas Cage. Right? Exactly. Looks exactly like him.

I'm glad you said that, Molly. It does look. Exactly. 100%. 100%. Exactly like Nicholas Cage. Wow. Okay. Also, did you mention

What movie did you mention just now? Valley Girl, because I'm saying, so Nick Cage looks just like him in that picture, which we will post. We'll set it over to Mary. He looks just like him. But Valley Girl, Moonstruck version of Nick Cage, does not look just like him. So it must have happened sometime in the 90s. I will also say we have to mention 1988's Vampires Kiss. Vampires Kiss.

Hiding in plain sight. In one scene, he runs down the... street of New York screaming, I'm a vampire, I'm a vampire. And if that's not proof, I don't know what it's. Actually, that makes complete sense. Holden McDaley. Vampire's kiss is 1989. Moonstruck was 1987. See, this would make sense if this was around the time when he finally sealed the deal, it's like death becomes her. But with a vampire and with Nick Cage, I think if you don't think Nicholas Cage is an immortal vampire, you need to be checked into a mental Institution. Mental institution. You are, I can't even agree with you more. You should be allowed to

own a knife, much less a gun. I will, can I just throw us out there in the middle of this? A wonderful, a wonderful delight. Her name is Evie at Shells a Horror on Twitter. Hit me up. Question, would you still be against Nick Cage playing Joe Exotic if John Travolta played Doc Antle in the biopic? Think about it. It's the faceoff reunion no one asked for, but everyone so desperately needs. See, I feel like she was already picking up. She was picking up on the vibe of what we were about to talk about today. Maybe this is something that they need to duke out forever and ever through cinema, but also through real life.

There you go. Not too long after Nicholas Cage's proof of immortality was posted, another eBay pick was posted. That was 150 years old. Totally resembles John Travolta. The seller wrote, I know you were saying, George Javolta is alive in 2011 and he doesn't look 151. years old. John Travolta is a Scientologist and many Scientologists believe in a type of reincarnation. Of course, time travel can't be ruled out as well. Now, you tell me this is not John Travolta

150 years ago. And if you say yes, I'm going to apply you to be sent away to a mental institution. Look at that. Right there. How it could not be more. You think that that's very obviously John Travolta? Absolutely, Molly. I think it's definitive proof. I am less convinced than I was with a Nick Cage photo, but I can see it. It's a young, thin John Travolta. Although, have you ever seen someone after they have gotten a jaw reconstruction surgery?

I have. If you think about it, that can completely restructure the shape of his face, which is what would happen. In this scenario. It is what looks like happened in this. Yes. Absolutely the truth there, Jackie. You said it better than I ever could.

Of course, their feud is hidden in plain sight in 1997's Face Off, in which Cage plays a terrorist and Gibolten FBI agent who swap faces with each other. Stop listening to this right now and watch Face Off. If you, A, have never seen it or B haven't seen it in a bit. Because I can watch it a million times. It's amazing. It's incredible. I'll watch it right now.

Of course. Of course. And this is always a dead giveaway that it's the truth. In 2012, Nicholas Cage went on the late show with David Letterman, where he was asked about the rumor. To which he responded, well, let me say that there's a resemblance. But how can I be polite about this? It's a somewhat slowed down version of me. Quite what a vampire would say.

Cage also said, I don't drink blood. And the last time I looked in the mirror, I had a reflection. So I'm not going with the vampire theory. I'm not going to do it. It's a real cop out. Cop out of an answer. It was a bit of a cop out of an answer. I don't really know.

He's like two technicalities make me not a vampire, you know. Massively a cop out. Yeah, but when you look like a vampire and you're definitely a vampire, wouldn't that be what a vampire would say? 100%, Jackie, you took the words right out of my life, my mouth and my life. Oh my God. Those words are no longer in my life. All the words you said just now.

Well, there they go. I guess they're gone now. You're welcome and you're sorry. I'm sorry, too. This brandy's really kicking in. I've been drinking brandy this whole time, by the way, Chad. We didn't even talk about this.

Holden has become the Brandy Man. And the Brandy Man is terrifying. The Brandy Man is a new version of Holden. I have known him for 50 years. And Brandy Man Holden is terrifying. The Brandy Man can, baby. The Brandy Man can. He can high kick with the best of it.

I will say it. I have never high-kicks better in my life. I have never jumped for joy higher in my life. But that is the end of the celebrity conspiracy. I 100% agree. I think you'd have to be the dumbest human being on the planet to not think it's true. Jackie, of course, thinks it's true. Molly?

I am smart, and I also think it's true. All right, there you go. She's a smart person. She thinks it's true. She's really good of politics and stuff. It has to be true. There's no way. And also, to answer your question from the Twits,

I do, I would definitely watch the fuck out of Nick Cage playing against John Travolta, Joe Exotic versus Doc Antle. Yeah, I agree too, because Travolta is actually a great actor to do Doc Anto. Like, I think that that's actually... Especially that creepy. Yeah. See, I think you're both way off track. Having watched hairspray, I think Travolta would be perfect as Carol Bassett.

Also true. Also, also... I have to say it real fast because I know that I'm sure we will talk about it again in the future. But since we're talking about John Travolta so much, I feel like he vampired his way into my brain into reminding you guys that we're not going to have the Tonys this year. But instead, what we will be having is a Greece sing-along instead. I can't believe. I'm excited. I can't believe they picked.

Are you? I feel like they picked. Why, Greece is the most irrelevant movie. No. But I just feel like they picked the most irrelevance. musical to do this with for the Tony. Like, why didn't they show, they're showing Hamilton on Disney Plus, right? Like, why wouldn't they do that?

Do that? No. There's so many other things you could do. No, because Greece, everyone knows the music from Greece, so everyone can sing along and it's so feel good. Oh my God, have you ever listened to any music from Greece? It makes you feel good immediately. I am totally not in disagreement.

It just feels a little out of date somehow. Do cats? No, no. Cats. No, no, both of you. Now I disagree with everybody. Gellico cats and jailie. Gellicle cats.

I will sing. Of course I'll sing along with it. Because the best musicals are like, you know, the sound of music, too long, too serious. Music Man, too quirky. Greece is like everyone knows five songs from Greece. Everyone knows Blue Moon. Everyone knows we go together. That is true.

Everyone knows, you know, like, Greece. Lightning, like everybody can sing a lot. Yeah, but will they have the strength to play? I think you might like it afterwards. Guys, as we know, I think you might like it, is the sequel song to you're the one that I want. Yeah. I don't think they're brave enough.

They're not. They're not brave. They're obviously not brave enough. But maybe they are brave enough to get through the list with us. Oh! Who's on the list? Me. Check me.

Got to have that list. Yes, I sent two lists because I wasn't sure which one I wanted to do. But I think today I'm going to do the 15 blockbuster facts about the summer movies of 1985. Yes, it is very specific. But the other list that I had sent is seven of the creepiest board games from your childhood. But now I am trying to track down some of these board games. So that is something that we will discuss in the future because I must know how fun. fun it is to play, I want to bite your finger, which is a vampire game where you have to stick

your fingers into the mouth of a vampire and see if it bites you. Oh, that's fun. So the blockbuster movies of 1985, because we're going to be missing out on a lot of big blockbusters this year, or at least not being able to see them in the movie theater that we were able to do in the past, but there were some fun facts in here. 85 was a huge year. We're talking back to the future. We're talking the Goonies.

And we're talking a bunch of other things that we didn't realize we're going to be a huge part of the summer. Like Disney and the Care Bears. Now, I loved the Care Bears when I was a kid. Me, too. Right. And it was the same summer that after five years of production and a reported $40 million price tag, at the time, the most expensive animated movie ever, the Black Cauldron was expected to reverse the course of underperforming Disney releases at the time.

Instead, the Black Cauldron, which also came out that summer, was a huge flop, earning less than half of its budget back and even getting out hustled by the substantially less expensive, the Care Bear movies. They put almost nothing into the Care Bear movie, the Care Bears movie, and it blew it out of the water. Yeah, you can't compete with that. Isn't it interesting? It is interesting. Yes.

I loved The Care Bears movie so. much that I absolutely thought for, I don't know, a good year that care bears lived in the clouds. Like, I didn't go to church, so I didn't necessarily yet really understand heaven, but I, like, I remember being a kid and looking up at the clouds and being like, that's where care bears live. That's where the care bears live. Was it care bears that had the scary green monster in it that frightened everybody? There was some kind of a scary monster that was, like, legitimately too scary for kids? My little pony had a scary...

Maybe it was My Little Pony. It's hard to remember. My only media at, like, age four were the Carabar's movie and The My Little Pony's movie. And the big enemy in the My Little Pony's movie was something called The Smoose. That's what his name was, because I couldn't remember what his name was. There's Professor Coldheart, and then there's no heart. No heart kind of looks like the ghost from Christmas future in Scrooge a little bit. But there's no green monster.

The green monster. Yeah, yeah. In the little ponies movie, the smooth is like a, it's like a substance that covers everything and makes it die. Oh, okay, this thing. Yeah, I don't know what I was saying. I'm sure our lovely fans will let us know what I am potentially referring to. No one can stop the smooth. The smooth sounds very scary.

No one can stop the smooths. Oh, not as scary has returned to Oz, which also came out that summer, Because I recently, I think we just talked about this, not too long ago, recently saw a return to Oz. And it is so good, but it is so scary. And they really thought it was going to be like the next, the Wizard of Oz. But it was another flop. And even though Bombs, who's the person, El Frank Baum, who wrote The Wizard of Oz, even though the books were in public domain, the Ruby slippers were not.

They had to be licensed from MGM in order to be used. so they also had to pay a bunch of money to get the Ruby slippers in the movie and didn't make any of the movie back. Another movie that was supposed to be huge was Explorers, which is from the same director who did Gremlin. So it's like, they always like,

you remember explorers? Yeah, is that the one where they build the spaceship? Yes. So I remember like being in love with that movie up until they actually meet the aliens and then it kind of fell apart for me. But like that movie was. was so good.

It was so, it was such a bizarre film because the whole first two thirds of it was like legitimate, felt real. It was like these kids actually found a piece of technology that would allow them to go into space. If they built a spaceship, they're like trying to get this to happen. It felt so like a real group of kids doing this.

And then when they actually go to outer space, spoiler alert, the aliens are so silly and so goofy looking. It takes it out of it. It just ruined the whole thing. Like they all they, they didn't even need to, we didn't need to meet aliens. And it would have been like amazing. But either way, I love the explorers, even with the bad ending.

Well, and apparently it was really Joe Dante. He was very upset about how poorly it didn't. I imagine that had something to do with the fact that it was rushed to meet its release date that had been bumped up. So they're starring River Phoenix and Ethan Hawke. So it frustrated Joe Dante, which gave him an uneven film that didn't get much attention. So I imagine he just didn't have the time to. finish it. Yeah, it seemed weirdly, just completely unhinged that ending. It just was like, it was like watching two different movies is what it felt like. And that's so sad. It's the same thing

which I forget about when the Goonies came out. Nobody really like, like it kind of got panned, saying that it lacked realism. This is that, so it became, I guess now it's considered a cult. I never knew it was more considered a cult fan favorite. Goonies is fundamental for me. Yeah, that's not a cult. I feel like it can't be a cold classic and everyone loves it, right? Everyone loves the Goonies. Everybody loves the Goonies.

I mean, I literally just, We, Wizard just did an episode on Spaceballs. Spaceballs was actually not a big hit when it first came out. And again, it's one of those movies that you grow up knowing so well, you're so familiar with it, just being around, that you, I would never have fathomed that it would. would have been panned and all this stuff when it first first hit. But you also have to remember, it came out like many years after Star Wars came out. So it would be a-star Wars. So it would essentially be being like, if I put out a really good parody of Lord of the Rings, like Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings now, it would, I think it's the same thing.

So even though like it was really good, it was still just like, what the fuck are you doing putting out a Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings parody film in 2020, you know what I mean? Interesting. And then there's John Candy, John Candy that summer, 1985 started four hit movies, summer rental, volunteers, Brewster's Millions, and I guess this technically, apparently,

wasn't another one of those that wasn't a hit. Sesame Street Presents, Follow That Bird. Now, talk about another movie that I have seen probably 150 times. It is Follow That Bird. And apparently, another one that didn't get very good reviews that summer. But that was a huge summer for a lot of crazy movies. You know, I was thinking about John Candy the other day because I was thinking about that movie where he's the writer of a soap opera.

And then he ends up in the soap opera. And he can like rewrite the soap opera as he's in the world. I'll look it up on IMTV while we keep in there. I mean now my... Delirious! Delirious! Delirious! Yeah, delirious!

Fantastic stuff. We were just talking about this because I had purchased Henry. Henry and I were joking around and I got him the Great Outdoors for his birthday because the Great Outdoors is one of our favorite movies of all time It is one of the greatest vacation movies

ever made It is so everything about it so good And I wonder if Delirius holds up You know what? That's something that's gonna be done this week Seeing if Delirius holds up And but that's it for the list though All right I'm gonna go ahead and say it does I saw it one drunken evening with Ben Kistle

We had a blast watching it. I will say it might not hold up for someone who's never seen it in their childhood, but definitely also reminds me of a little known movie that I love The Disorderlies featuring the fat boys. Do you remember that one? No. What? No. It's the rap group, the fat boys.

Do you know the rap group of fat boys? Yes, yeah. It's them in their own movie about, and they have to like work for this like super rich old guy. Oh my God. I remember the cover of this movie. Right? It's such an 80s.

ass or like really 90s. Yeah, it is so textbook, ridiculous, like one of those comedies. And I love it. All right, I'll watch it. All right. Good. I'm so glad you're going to watch Disorderlies. So important.

So here we go. I've got a couple for you. Times are tough these days with blind items. Guys, I've got two juicers. I'm going to leave one behind in the dust because we are. You didn't even give us our intro. Yeah, you really skipped through. Is that how juicy lives?

they are? No, no, no, no, no. I'm just introing the intro. Oh, intro. He's an intro to the intro. Get ready. Intro to the intro. So anyways, how are you guys doing? Do it alright. Whoa. I'm doing okay. Oh my god, I think I'm going. Blood! Oops. Ah, we can't see him.

All right, here we go. A little bit of a surprise for you there, trying to catch you on your toes. I mean, I'm toad up, bra. Blind item number one Listen or you will perish surely That's horrible, okay, I'm listening Okay, I swear I'm listening Okay, okay, okay

Yes, be frightened, be scared This pop divas team instructed us to clap When we saw her Surely said the studio executive That meant after her performance No came to reply At her mere presence So a diva who wants you to clap every time she is present.

She just walks into the room. I'm going to guess Mariah Carey. And you would guess absolutely 100% correct. I have no problem with them. Me, me, me. No, you see somebody who you love and you clap. I would clap if I saw Beyonce. You clap.

No problem. Would you have any diva demands, Jackie Molly? Any diva demands? If you became a Mariah Carey, you have 10 best-selling out. albums, top of the charts. Everybody knows who you are. Do you have any demands for your staff or even your friends? You have to give me whatever is in your hand when I walk in the room.

Ooh, that's really good. I really like that. I think mine is going to be, every time I walk into a room, everyone has to get down on the floor face down so that I can walk on top of them. So I have to touch the floor. Right. Do you have any Holden? Do you have any demands?

Do you the demands? Yes. Everybody has to reenact a historical event of their choosing when I walk in the world. Oh, wow. That is good. Right? Like, you know, my first one, first thing I thought of, the shooting of Abraham Lincoln. Yeah, sure.

I think I would immediately redo that with no, no violence involved. But more like, we act out the emotional pain. And they have to do it like, it's an improv. Like, they have to be like, okay, I'll be done. booth. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And you run around. Everybody in the room. Yeah. It has to be the same historical event for everyone in the room and they have to like, yeah. They kind of edit together and do all the improv stuff. Yeah. They're like, all right, we're going to do the bombing of Hiroshima.

You know what I mean? We're going to do. And break. Yeah. Everyone jumps in. I think this is a great idea. I think people just start doing that in general anyway. For sure.

Absolutely. Agreed. All right. This next one might, much like seeing. Kathulhu for the first time in real life it might make you go insane upon merely just hearing the words I speak.

Ooh. This celebrity couple is not handling being in the same space for an extended period of time too well. By the way, that's every celebrity couple right now, but this is one of those celebrity couples. Or just couples in general, yes, but... They are both super stressed out and have been yelling at

each other a lot. At one point, one of them went into the bathroom to view a pornography video and masturbate, and the video popped up on the other one's laptop because they're synced. Then afterwards, they got into a fight. Holden McNeely and Lexie. Yes.

No, I'm just kidding. I was just waiting until you guessed that one. No, no, no. They were both super stressed, and I've been yelling each other a lot. Actually, at one point, he was so annoyed with her that he put down some blue painters tape

and divided the house in half, like in War of the Roses, and told her to stay in her half. She didn't think that was funny. She said that she is sick of him, and she wants a divorce. Whoa, wants a divorce. Now, the only person I've seen being outspoken about this

is Busy Phillips and her husband. No. It is that, oh, it's not them. All right, so this is someone's keeping it behind closed doors. I'm going to need a bigger hint. A bigger celab couple. A more obvious, like, bigger celebrity couple. Jay-Z and Beyonce.

Close. Chrissy Tegan and John Legend. Oh, is it Kim Ye? Kim Ye. Kim Ye. Kim Ye. Kim Ye for sure. Apparently, I was reading the comments of this

line item and someone said he's infamous for laying down tape on the floor and instructing staff subordinates and special male friends slash employees in parentheses with benefits not to cross the line. Yeah, I can picture that. He does it all the time. Can you imagine that's a yikes doing that in real life? No, that's a big yikes. Can you possibly imagine like for real zies angrily doing that?

I don't know if I can't like I or if someone did that to me like I, I imagine. I would see red and I would, I don't know what would happen to the tape, but the tape would be gone by the next time I was able to be emotionally present, you know? Right. That's such a massive dick move and I can totally picture it happening. I know. I'm surprised you guys didn't say it immediately. I just immediately thought of busy Phillips because she has been very open about how difficult her relationship has been during quarantine. Hell yeah. Yeah. Also got to remember it too, especially with celebrity couples, they're not around each other.

Yeah, that's the thing. Every celebrity couple is having this issue, among many other couples. But yeah, celebrity couples, they're never around each other. Fuck, I mean, what didn't, what is it, Terry Gilliam? Terry Gilliam had, yeah, is it Gilliam? Wait, wait, who does the separate houses? Not Gillian. I'm thinking of Everett's Herons.

What's his name? Burton. Yeah, Burton. Tim Burton. And his wife. And Helen Abonham Carter. Yeah, yeah. They have separate houses.

And that's really the way every celebrity couple of years ago right now. They have houses right next to each other, but they have their own house separate from each other, right? Yeah. That's the way to go. Especially if you both got that much money? Yeah. That's great.

I think it's so smart. I had a good friend of mine's parents did that because they were like real estate agents and then they just had a hallway so you could walk from one house to the other if you not have to go outside. but also the hallway had a lock on it. So if you didn't want them to come in, you just fucking close the lock. And they've been married for 38 years.

Wow. I was just like, I mean, if someone right here right now was like, I will give you that situation, literally today you can move in with Lexi to that specific situation. I'm just going to take a finger of your choosing. I would be like, dude,

fucking take the most useful one. Take two. Yeah, take two, dude. fucking take whatever bro what do I need the fingers for yeah what do I need the figures for I need the space and I need the cheese give me

well fingers give me a moment of time to myself take a finger for every room you can have a whole limb for each outdoor space you offer me right no we're doing great though everything's fine

all right well I can see again and I'm still in my fucking tiny room. Yay! I still reek of share. Man, why did I do this? Yeah, I hate that you did that and I'm not even in the room with you. No, I wouldn't put anyone else under these kind of horrible scent jurisdictions.

Thank you guys so much for joining us on this week of page seven. It was a little therapeutic today. I will say that. I think we needed to get some stuff off her chest. And thank you guys so much for joining us to do said things. because this is what we're doing here, guys. We're day 100,0007 is locked inside,

and things are getting really fucking weird. I like it. Like my playlist, I just made a Spotify playlist called quarantine is getting real weird, I believe, is what it's the name. There's a lot of Michelle Branch on it, and that's not my fault.

I'm going to find it right now. I got to get that. I got to go. End the show. I got to find your playlist. Oh yeah, I guess we'll do the plugs. Hey, everybody, it's Holden-McNeely, and I'm here to say, you can go on Patreon and save our lives today. Patreon.com forward slash page 7 podcast, $5 a month, and we put out not just an extra episode of bonus content a week, but so much more with Jackie doing all this stuff with the book reading stuff.

She's a psycho. It's great. We have finished Model Land, and this is the week. We will start into the Jenner books. I am, I won't say, I'm doing it again. I'm not going to be reading ahead because I want you to be surprised as I am surprised. Fantastic. Great.

Also, Twitch. That doesn't sound unhinged. Twitch. TV, forward slash holdonators ho. And you can check me out on there with Jackie every Friday night at 6pm ET. Molly hopped in on the last. one for a little bit, which was super fun. It was wonderful.

Get into it. I have very few things to look forward to and Friday nights with you guys is one of them. Hell yeah. Yay! That makes me so happy. We love you guys so much. You can follow me on Instagram at Jack That Worm. Come see us on Friday.

On Friday at 6 p.m. Yeah, I just talked about that. I want to say it again. I'd like to say it one more time. Molly, what is your? On Friday at 6 p.m. My, my thing is MJKLCat on Insta. Hell yeah, dude.

We love you guys, we'll talk to you next week. Check us out 6 p.m. on Friday. We always do a choice stream. Have a good day, guys. Have a good day, whatever you're doing. Bye. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors.

You can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.