Page 7 - Episode 88: Budweiser Pocket Book with Champaign Tastes

Episode Date: May 10, 2015

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Go. Just around the river bend, waiting just around the riverbed. That is what Northwest was singing at her first birthday party, because she was dressed like fucking Pocahontas. My name is Jackie Zabrowski. My name is Molly Neffel. My name is Marcus Parks, and I'm not well-versed in this Northwest birthday party. Oh my God, Kidcella!

It is called Kidcella, which is really cute. Ah, I don't know. I feel like Coachella is. made for drugs and for fucking and it kind of may be listening to some music. A little bit. Yeah. That is not what a child's first birthday party should be about. Yeah.

Am I correct? No, that's right. You're correct. They had a Ferris wheel. Chloe Kardashian dressed up like a fucking Indian. Wildly, wildly inappropriate. And sat next to a tiny teepee the entire time while tweeting things like gurgling water. These are the sounds that I hear.

And I guarantee you that even though she had a child-sized tepee, it wasn't to, like, play with any kids. No, no, no, none of the kids went near her because she was dressed like a scary savage. The way that they're not supposed to be dressed. Not okay. I don't do that. I don't dress like that anymore. You don't make fun of that anymore, yeah.

The time has passed, Chloe Kardashian. That was like 60 years ago. You know, they wear jeans now, you know. No. Do they live in houses not tepee made out of deerskin? It's so weird. Apparently, they live in the same types of houses that we do. How dare they?

Do they pay the same taxes we pay? Some. No, actually, they don't. I'll bet you that Clay Kardashian does not even realize that there are still Native Americans alive today. She probably thinks she thought she was in Pocahontas. Yeah. Reservation. Is that something I make it, Prada?

How could I offend people? They aren't even what people. They're what people. He's a fake people. It's a Disney movie. You can't offend with the people. So Northwest really likes Pocahontas? No, it was just, I mean,

she's one. She doesn't like anything. She's a one-year-old baby. She likes being held by people. My people, yeah. She probably like smiling. She probably likes getting cooed at and fucking dribbling on herself. Some solid foods now. Sure, yeah, maybe.

You know, maybe some cake. So I think that the whole thing was weird. It was very weird. They had a Ferris wheel, though, so that's pretty cool. Yeah, you know, the thing about Kid Chella is if she was like four or five, like Shinar said, like, you know, she could remember this was like a great party your parents threw for her than maybe.

But throwing a big old party for a one-year-old, it really is more about you than it is about your baby. I'm not sure why people throw big parties for one-year-olds. I say throw a party for the one-year-olds. Put all the babies in another room and all the parents get drunk. That's the first birthday party because all the preggies can finally fucking drink again because hopefully they squirted all their disgusting milk out of their sacks at this point. And if not, they got fake milk.

So you can drink all you fucking want. That is true. Yeah, that is technically true. I think like a party for a one-year-old. It's good to have like the grandparents there. Maybe a couple uncles. Right. That's nice.

One is the year where you can really be like, we don't have to invite your baby friends. Right? Like when you're two, three, maybe you want the kid will benefit from having some other young people. I say no birthday parties until they're eight. And then they'll really want one. Like, Mommy, you never celebrate our birthday. I'm like, I know, because I want you to want it. I don't want you to take it for granted.

Because I'm no one that shoved you out of my fucking body. It should be a party for me. Yeah, that's true. I get birthday party. I get all the fucking kids' birthday parties. That's true. They're all for me. The mother should get a party when it's the kid's birthday.

Yes. It's the anniversary of you expelling a being out of your body. So let's start it. I'm starting the bandwagon right now. I think you're terrible. Mama party. Kijella. I just think it's so insane that they had a huge bouncy mansion, a Ferris wheel, a stage setup

for them to do karaoke songs. And this was all in the backyard of Courtney Kardashian's house. Oh, Courtney's house. Yeah, it was Courtney's house. Not even Kim's. Yeah. So that's how big her backyard is. which is insane.

Yeah. And I'm looking at a picture of Cam Holdner right here. She looks very confused. Yeah. And she's also starting to look more like a girl too, which is good. She's just a little baby. She doesn't know what's going on. But what I do love about that picture, look how happy Kanye is.

She does look very happy. She's got Connie's eyes, though, which is kind of sad. Yeah. She looks like a sad baby. Serious eyes, yeah. Well, most babies look kind of sad. That's not true. babies smile all the time

unless they're idiot babies I just think it's nice to see Kanye smiling at least I guess you love your Kanye I do I want him to be happy like a baby he's got so much money just smile more

you have things to smile about yeah yeah but he's got things to be sad about we all do yeah demons bugs yeah bugs I hate I get real sad about bugs sometimes.

All the time. But I don't show it on my face. No, I'm always sad about bugs. Yeah, man. Because they're everywhere. They're always looking at you, looking at you. Speaking of sad things related to the Kardashians, Kim Kardashian has her own video game coming out.

Oh, what does it hurt just being like, bash my hair? Someone should bash my hair. Babe is my assistant. And it's all about you directing her assistant around her. just like clipping her cunt hairs and just like Chloe's. I mean, Kim is hairy. You know, they're hairy people.

They're Armenian. Yeah. Armenians are fairly hairy from what I can discern. So is it all about keeping up with her hair growth? Keeping up with the hair growth of the Kardashians. That's a spin-off I want to see. Does it say what's about? It's called Kim Kardashian Hollywood.

The objective of the game is to create your own aspiring celebrity and rise to fame and fortune. You know, I also heard, according to Shannara as well, we get a lot of our information from Shinar's the best parts under the world. It's like we get briefed like the president does before a meeting. We do that with Shadara. That Kendall and Kylie Kardashian

or Jenner, I'm sorry, Jenner also wrote their own quote unquote wrote their own dysotopian future novel that is on sale that people say is the worst pile of garbage because also they didn't write it. Look at those fucking girls.

You think they sat down on a computer, wrote a fucking book? Although, to be honest, I'm sure if they wanted to write a dystopian tale, they could just talk about their lives, right? I mean, you know. It's called Rebel, City of Indra. I have to read it, right? Yeah, no, you should. I have to do that.

I mean, it's for research and the Kardashian game. I mean, we have to stay in the know of their lives. I'll bet that you could get this book on Kindle for like 99 cents. Yeah. In a world of the far. future. The great city of Indra has two faces. A beautiful paradise

floating high in the sky and a nightmare world of poverty carved into tunnels beneath the surface of the earth. So it's their life as opposed to everyone else in the United States. Don't write about poverty. Oh, richest people on earth don't write about poverty. Kendall and

Kylie Jenner, the youngest sisters in the Kardashian dynasty, have written a gripping tale of air, fire, and a pond of blood. Oh, my Lord. Oh, I have to read it. I can't believe we didn't know about this.

It's about two superpower girls who embark on a journey together. Oh, my God, are their names Kendall, Kylie, Jenna? Two cities, two girls, a shared destiny. Rebels, city of Indra, out now on Amazon and Hardback.

It sounds like it is parent trap, but with Kendall and Kylie Jenner. Oh, you can get it for only $10. I wonder if they see Brother for sale. Like the Olson twins Matches you with them trying to get rid of Rob Kardashian. Brother for sale.

He's too fat for our family. Brother for sale. Only 25 cents. Okay. Some of the reviews. Garbage from start to finish. Garbage. Garbage.

There's another one. There's no way they actually wrote this book. I can't believe I took the time to read this. Yeah, admittedly, if you not only bought the book but then wrote a review on Amazon, you're probably part of the problem. An insult to authors and aspiring authors everywhere. Dreadful dialogue, no plot or character development, and a nonsense tale that appears to have drawn heavy inspiration from several well-known and acclaimed dystopian novels. It's so funny. My seven-year-old can write a better story than that.

Does not make sense. Worst book ever. Do not waste money. This trash is an insult to all talented authors and writers out there. I love this. Oh, I want to see what the five-star writers. Oh, yeah. What are they saying about this book?

Great summer read. Great gift for teen birthday. Just because. Can't wait to see what happens in the next book. Oh, God, it's a series. Another one says, I feel like this could be the next Hunger Games. That's because it's all exactly the same.

It's like, just read The Giver 20 million times, which is better than all this shit. I did enjoy The Hunger Games. I'm not saying it didn't. Third book was shit, but the first two books were great. I've heard that they're really good. I'm going to read them. Don't read the third book.

It doesn't matter. Okay. It's the worst. All right. I bet it's not as bad as that book, though. I will throw it out there. Another five-star review says, I really like it.

That is for a six-year-old that was able to read the book. It was fun. He liked you. It was good. There was only one two-star review, which I find kind of funny. Yeah, that is. You want to go big or go home with a Kardashian. Yeah.

Yeah, it's either five stars or two stars or one, five stars or one star. Are they a dynasty? Is that what they are referred to? I guess. I mean, their father, you know, set a murder. or free. And the stepfather is really rich too. And they're a huge family that just continues to make money and money and money. I guess that is the definition of a dynasty. Wow. Which is why they should not write about poverty. Oh my God. Who? Check yourself, Kardashians. Man, that's crazy.

Yeah. Well, you know, they got a lot of money to do whatever they want. Those girls need to put more clothes on. They don't wear enough clothes. I'm with you on this. Man, there is a picture of There are two of them. I forget what award show it is. It was in People Magazine. And one of them, I think it might have been the younger one, had a dress on that the slits were up past her, was it the V-bone.

Pelvis. That's what? That is what it's called. Yeah, but it was up past where you're like, like the pelvis bones jut out. Uh-huh, your hips. So was it. That is what they're called.

I know. It's just funny. because I'm an idiot and I don't know what they're called because I don't see any of those bones. I just know they're inside here. But it was like up almost to her navel of where the slits were in the front and there was just like a thin piece of fabric

that covered her fucking pussy. Yeah. Those new what do they call them the B strings or something like that. Yeah. I saw that. Yeah, they'd just cover the fucking the hole and come up up the buck crack. Why would you do that just don't wear underwear? Yeah.

Right. Yeah, well, I mean, camel toe. Yeah, but how much does it cover? Does it go across the lips? Yes. Yeah. So it goes across the lips. How does it stay in place?

Is there an adhesive? There's a wire. A wire. So it clips to your ass. Muscles? No, like, you know how a normal thong has, which I've never worn, by the way, has a thing that, like, goes through your butt cheeks. And then there's like an elastic that holds it up.

this is like a I imagine it's like it has like a wire underneath the foam so it's like you just clamp it right in there like the way that you would with like an iPad like wrestling not wrestling exercising see it's a it's a it's a wire I don't think that would stay in place

on my body it holds in place I feel like well I guess it's made for people whose thighs don't touch I was going to say probably the sizes are like double zero zero with a fat girl one fat girls need their lips coupled yeah but oh god this gotta be so setting to your butt a stiff like a pipe cleaner going up your I'd rather put a pipe cleaner at my butt yeah I that's is why when I see thongs I'm like who wants that in their ass on there I would rather not wear underwear I don't understand right just don't wear underwear yeah kind of seems like it is just a claspy type thing it's just a clasp yeah I

Need one? It's like a snap bracelet. That's what I'm thinking of. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's got to be, oh, don't even get me started about the rashes that it creates. That shit gives you rashes. And the UTIs probably and yeast infections.

Oh, yeah. It's going to get all muddy and like, like, oh. And then you're going to get wet. It's going to like slip around down there and then it's going to get all cakey. You know how you're like your underpits get cake. I guess. I mean, chalky. The vagina is a self-cleaning oven, as it has been described to me by various biology teachers. That is gross. Yeah. But what it means is that it takes care of itself, gets out what it needs to. That's why you're not supposed to doosh, right? Yes, exactly.

I didn't know you. Learning things. I will now take a stand against douche. There you go. Yeah. Right. You're definitely. not supposed to do. Not that I had a strong opinion before. You were in the produce lobby before. Now you have to... Oh, we got to get some more details from the novel. Okay. All right.

Well, first, it's the story of two girls, orphans Livia and Lex. One lives in a floating city in the sky. She's the rich one. The rich one, Livia, while Lex lives in underground tunnels. It's the parent trap. They call it, quote, down below. And did you know, poor people in this story are denied cosmetic surgery. No poor person can have cosmetic surgery.

Are you what kind of world? What? I can't even think about. Let's imagine the worst thing that could happen. Okay, you're poor and you can't get cosmetic surgery. So Livia is raised to be a proper young woman and expect to make her debut at the emergency. ball where she will find her mate. Meanwhile, Lex is

a scrappy young girl who gets selected. Of course, all pores are scrappy. They're all scrappy. She gets selected for training in a special ops force to fight the rebels. The two seem destined to never meet. But there's a guy named Kane. He's on the special ops

force with Lex, but gets sent on a secret mission. And here's the big fucking twist to murder Livia at the ball. Why? Why? Yeah, why?

Some sort of... Because she's rich? Because probably a father. Cosmetic surgery? Probably a father. Revolution. But then by the end, both of them join the rebels. So when does the father of the rich girl become a woman?

Is that involved in this story? Well, that's over the course of many years. Oh, yeah. So in the sequels, I'm sure he'll be a woman by the seventh or eighth book. Yeah, so in this first one he's just starting to grow kind of breast and growing out his hair. Yeah, looking more like a cat. Oh yeah man. Bruce Turner

does look like a cat. He looks very, very cat-like. Nice cheekbones. I mean, fake cheekbones. Yeah. Do you think that Kylie and Kendall have already had plastic surgery? Yes. Right? Absolutely. They look

like dolls. They're fucking, I mean, they're hot dolls. They are hot 15 and 16-year-old dolls. Yes. Well, you know, I... Well, Marcus? You know, I wouldn't... If I looked at him, I'd...

You'd look at that fucking pussy clamp on them. I know it. If you saw them out and about, you'd know they were under 18. 12. 21. Would you? They'd be 20. I'd say, hey, that girl's 20. Yeah, I would think...

Uh-huh. That's what you tell the cops. Those do not look like 15-year-old girls. That's insane. They are so... I can't... The one on the right definitely looks very young. She looks...

fucking rolled hard and put up wet man. What? What? Never mind. It's Texas saying. I heard this phrase yesterday, Marcus, I thought of you.

Oh, she's got a Budweiser pocketbook with a champagne taste. Yeah. I've heard people say that. Budweiser pocketbook with a champagne taste. Is that mean she's more?

She has no money but tries to Yeah, but tries to act like she's not poor. Yeah, we call him highfalutin. Oh, man, how flutin. They are not highfalutin. No, no, no, putting on airs. Oh, yeah. Can't put on no airs.

You be where he is. Where he came from is where he at. Bud, by eyes or pocketbook with champagne taste. Well, I'll tell you, a sad man is in the news right now with a new album. A very, very sad man indeed. Robin Thick. What is a. wrong with this motherfucker.

What is a... He's losing his mind. Losing his mind. Of course he broke up or his wife left his ass not too long ago actually. Yeah and good for fucking her. It was also kind of weird though because before the breakup I remember I was really

I was in awe of their relationship because they were out all the time with paparazzi taking pictures of them like making out in public and like all over each other. But do you remember he also definitely grab somebody else's ass, not his wife's, like proudly in public. That is true. There was a picture of it.

Yeah. And everyone was like, oh, they must have a healthy marriage. Yeah, because I feel like grabbing an ass is grabbing an ass. I feel, I mean, what do you mean by that, though? I feel like if I saw, if he looked me in the eye, if, like, your significant other looked you in the eye as he's grabbing the ass, then it's like, I'm going to beat the shit out of you. I'm this bitch.

But, you know, I'm not around. He's got to put his hands. somewhere? No, this wasn't like a, oh, I thought it was your back. Maybe his hands were cold. Was it wintertime? This wasn't like I thought it was the small of your back and it was your ass. Maybe her butt pussy clip was coming undone and he was trying to put it back in a place.

Get it back in there. Get it back in there. Let me help you with you. Oh, oh. Ew, that's the sound it makes. That's the sound it makes when you put it on. Oh, I'm so proud. Like a pussy zipper.

Pussy zipper. That's what they should call. Call it. The pussy zipper. That's exactly what it is. Man, pussy zipper. Now that's got a zing. I would buy a pussy zipper.

I just think that Paula Patton is the awesomest for leaving this piece of shit, especially because he was having like a good year. Yeah, I mean, he was definitely fucking every which way. Oh, yeah. Get the fuck out of there. And then he wrote an entire album named Paula, which is creepy. It's so creepy. God, here is a sampling of the track list.

Oh. You're my fantasy. Get her back. Oh, no. Still madly crazy. Oh. So weird. Love can grow back.

No, we can't. It's dead. Too little too late. Yeah. Good. That's the first thing you said all day, Robert Thick. And forever love. Man, that is so weird.

Oh, and the music video for Get Her Back. Oh, good. Yeah. Yeah, so yeah, this is... We're gonna watch it. Tell me if I'm right to say that he's bleeding from his nose because I saw it earlier today.

Maybe I misunderstood his face makeup, but he is a disgusting man. He's pathetic. Yeah, he's bleeding out of his nose, right? Why is he bleeding from his nose? These are texts. He's sending texts with his way. Oh, and it shows all the texts.

I want to know if these are real texts that he is showing. Is that a picture of Paula too? I think that this is just a lady he hired to be here. To be her because she wouldn't get anywhere in fucking near her. Of course, because, and also this lady is like naked in the whole thing and he's like feeling her ass, which can you imagine how gross it would be if somebody broke up with you and then hired a woman to like be your surrogate in a video

and then touched your ass. And this is the opposite of something that a woman wants. This is not a fucking, this is not the note and book. You can't do this. Never do this. This is airing all of it. of their private, personal, dirty laundry. Like, it's like, I can't make love to you anymore.

You drink too much. You drink too much. I hate myself. Yeah, you drink too much. You embarrassed me. Why did he include that in the music video? You drink too much. Because I feel like he's trying to show like, no, look, I'm laying myself out in the line

of what a bad guy I was. No, this is not what this is doing. This is so creepy. But you're so right, Jackie. Everyone fucking sees at the notebook and is like, I just have to be persistent. So she comes to me. She'll come back to me.

No, if you are a guy and you're thinking about doing this, don't fucking do it. Don't do it. Especially if you were a like millionaire. Right. Why are you doing this? Not that I'm saying that love doesn't exist or that he shouldn't try and get her back, but like this throwing your money at the problem. And also, I dare say, ruining your fucking career at the same time.

I hope so. Yeah. It's a dumb idea. I mean, he has complete, I mean, the whole, the album is. named Paula. Paula. After it is soon to be X, Y. God, I wonder if she could, like,

I wonder if she, I mean, I guess you don't have rights to the name Paula. But I feel like if that was me, I'd be like, I'm going to sue you. Leave me the fuck alone. Leave me alone. Yeah. I bet she could get so much of his money. Maybe. I mean, maybe, I mean, maybe if it's, if it was called like Paula Patton, maybe.

Yeah. But it's, yeah, but also, but that's like, I mean, it's got to be some form of harassment. I think so, yeah. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. If a girl's just saying like, hey, leave me alone. It's not like, because you remember back in the days like, well, you know, I asked her out and I asked her out. And she kept saying no.

And eventually I wore her down. Exactly. This is the rom-com narrative that like needs to immediately be debunked in pop culture. If you're a guy and you don't take no for an answer, you're a fucking creep. You're not a hero. Well, that's also a different generation. I mean, like back then, it was different. Now it's like there are different ways for a guy to like stalk you and go after you and be like, yeah, but I'm going to find out everything.

you like and where you go. And then I'll get you to go out with me. Like maybe back in the day. Well, I mean, I'd say maybe more like back in the day. Just like when they say like I tried and I tried meaning more like, you know what? We're going to go out someday and see you later. But that's cute though. I feel like even nowadays, like if you have a guy that comes into like where you work.

And every day is like you want to go out with me and you're like, no, you bad man. Because you kind of want to, we don't really want to. Then it's cute. But you can tell when someone actually kind of wants to. Right. And when they don't, like when she's leaving you. Right. And she's divorced to you.

She's divorcing you. Right. Right. Divorce isn't like a gray area. It's like, no, I'm leaving you. You're out of my life. I'm paying money to end this relationship. It's not a separation.

I'm not just like, oh, live in two separate places. No, I am leaving you legally. Right. Yeah. And of course, yeah, there's like, when you're courting. someone there can be ambiguity and maybe at first you say oh no but like at all times still though

the guy should be like even if the woman is like no not now the guy should still be like okay I'm not going to write an album with your name on it right like it's this whole like everything is seen as this romantic gesture when in fact it's really fucking creepy but do you think that he's doing this

as an opposite like psychological way of showing all the women in the world that he's a good guy He's a fucking millionaire. He doesn't need to do that. But I think that there is a large part of our population that sees that and is like, oh.

I wish someone would do that for me. He doesn't even have to try that hard. There are women who did that after Chris Brown got, you know, arrested for beating up Brianna. They're like, oh, poor guy. Yeah, I don't think he needs to try this hard to do that. In fact, I think it might have the opposite effect. So you think he's crazy? You think he's like officially crazy?

I think he's just going through. self-obsessed. He's like, he is self-obsessed. He thinks, how could anyone not like Robin Thick? Robin Thick will just write another album. It's the worst name in the history of name. But then fucking Blurred Lines comes on. I'm like, why not?

Why not give him a chance? Maybe love does grow back. See how I was writing about Blurred Lines creepiness? He's the creepiest mother-thens. Man, I think it's also part of this whole thing of why blurred lines is not played at all anymore. I know that it was a song of last summer, but usually when the summer comes around again,

the songs kind of come back. It's not as full force, but that song, I have not heard it once. Thank God, though. Good ridden. No. I know you guys liked it. I danced to it at a wedding once

because I didn't want to be a crank that was like, I hate this song. Yeah, but then there's that new song that's really great. Already this wedding is a symbol of the patriarchy. And having this song play, is even further. Hashtag rape culture. I'm already ambivalent about marriage in general.

No, I wasn't like that. I love weddings and I love dancing. And I even danced to Blurred Lions because I love weddings so much. But I'm glad that Robin Thick is getting his comeuppance. Yeah, but just being, God, embarrassing himself on a worldwide scale. I couldn't even imagine that.

Why is he bleeding from the nose? Yeah, right? But only in the very first part. Yeah, but why? He's bleeding from the nose. And he's got these three, like, uh. Blood tears. Yeah, blood.

I mean, they're on his cheek. They're not even, it's like someone dip their hands in blood and then raked the fingers across his cheek. That's not good. That's weird. I feel like he's implying that he was like, that his heart was so broken that he was physically assaulted, which is also insulting. Fucking insulting.

Because I'm sure that Paul Patton didn't like dip her fingers in blood and run them across his face. She's a very tiny woman. Is she? Yeah. No, I see a picture of them right next to each other. if she's a tiny woman, he's a tiny man. No.

Yeah. Well, I just meant thin. Oh. She's not like teeny in height-wise. Yeah, not like teeny tiny. Yeah. No, it's been smaller than me. Maybe Robin Thick will love me.

He should start dating fat girls because fat girls ain't got nobody to date. God, Robin Thick. The only way is bad. Like, even if his name. was like, I don't know, Bimble Goober Piss. Like, that's better than Robin Thick. It is. Yeah. I'd rather date

Allen Thick than date Robin Thick. Yeah, even Alan Thick is a better name than Robin Thick. Yeah. Better person, too. And that's not singing anybody's phrases. She's so greasy. Yeah. He looks like he's from the 80s. Yeah. Yeah. He's got like his facial hair. It's like the type of facial

hair tried to grow when I was like 16. Yeah. And his big, stupid. hair like vanilla ice. He looks like his dad in the 80s. He was trying to look like a dried something. He was trying to look like a dad in the 80s. Let's move on to some happier news. There's a new Saved by the Bell

Unauthorized Biography movie coming out. Thank God. I know, why don't? What is that even mean? It's a Lifetime movie. You love Lifetime. I love Lifetime and I love Saved by the Bell. This is literally two of my favorite childhood passions

come together. Yep, apparently the whole thing is put together through hours of brand new interviews with the cast and crew. Really? Yeah. Oh, my God. I didn't know that it was that real. I thought it was just going to be like a lifetime imagination of what saved by the bell was like. Yeah.

And it's independent of like Dustin Diamond's biography in which said that they just all fucked and did drugs all the time. I should read that biography too, actually. But they did, right? Yeah. Sure, they must have. I'm sure. They were all bunch of hot. When is it coming out?

It is. I'm going to put it in my phone. It's coming out on Labor Day at 9 p.m. Oh, thank God. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank God. This article is terribly written. Oh, an article about the same about the time movie.

On a lifetime movie? I can't believe. I can't believe. Oh, I'm so relieved because I was going to say it. Why didn't I hear anything else about it? All right, good. I'll be there. That means I won't be going to any barbecues on Labor Day.

I will be at home. Oh, man, the girl that played Tori said that she wants Ellen Page to play her. tall order tory. That is a tall order tory. Although if any character on Say by the Bell could be played by Ellen Page, it would be Tori. Wait, is that? Tori is like the bad girl that Zach dated.

With a motorcycle jacket. Yeah, she had the motorcycle jacket. She was like the fucking like, hey, I'm the bad girl. You're fucking this Kelly Kapowski bitch. She's fucking good girl. Yeah, but that girl would never fuck that guy. That was part of a romantic.

tension. Yeah. They kind of hated each other? Yeah. But you're correct. So what is the movie then? It is not about the real life. It's about what happened behind the scenes.

But played by actors. It's not like a true Hollywood story. No, played by actors. The Saved by the Bell story, actors, playing actors. This is a picture of the cast. Good casting on screech, bad casting on Jesse.

Deason casting on Slater. Is that Kelly? The girls are. The girls are bad. Oh, my. Where's Lisa? The girl that plays Lisa, she's fine. No, she's a half-eat.

She's not full. And the other one, what's her? Speed bills. Jesse. Doesn't look like a girl at all. And the girl that plays Kelly doesn't look like her at all. She's not, that girl's not even half as hot as Tiffany Amber Thie. What I don't understand is that finding young girls.

None of these people are hot. Yeah, none of them are hot. Like, all of these actors are mildly attractive at best. Whereas everyone in Say By the Bell except Screech was hot and our girl was. No. Mario Lopez was the ugliest fucking thing alive. No, I agree with you. I miss him.

What a sleaze. I would much rather fuck Lisa Turtle, screech. Yep. Anyone else that ever, belding, what's his name? Principal? Mr. Belding. I would rather fuck the principal than fuck Mario Lopez. Yeah.

No, I agree with you. He still looks, oh God, he's just like a meat head. I think meatheads are gross on the most part. I understand some people are into it. That's fine. But the junkos. They got junko brains and they got dumb face. Yep.

He's also a terrible person. Really? Yeah. Mario Lopez is an awful person. See, mine was only based on looks, so I'm happy to hear that he's also a bad person. Yeah. As far as blind item goes,

his are always awful and uninteresting. Like just being a straight up asshole. Just a boring asshole. Yeah, just a boring asshole. Hosts of something, right? What does he host? TMZ, I think. thing.

Yep. Which makes sense. He goes on the view a lot. I mean, I love anyone on the view. Mario Lopez on the view I'll take. See, I'll take everyone on the view except Mario Lopez. And well, that's what I'm. Except for fucking Jenny McCarthy.

Yeah. I can't watch her in it. I can't watch the fucking show anymore. I know. Because I hate Jenny McCarthy. Yeah. It's upsetting. Although, I also don't watch for Whoopi Goldberg's because she just is giving less of a

fuck by the day. That's why it's kind of fun. Yeah. She wears, I think, literally potato sex. Yes. The sacks of the potato chips that she talks about eating all the time. It's great. Girls, she's being, she's being a woman.

I'm not judging her for eating potato chips or for wearing potato sex, but it's true. She's like, it's also seems like she doesn't want to be there. It's like ever since Ted Danson. Why go on living? I'd fuck Ted Denson, too. Wait, did he die? No. What do you mean?

Oh, ever since she fucked him. I see. All downhill after Ted's. After bogus. After bogus, it's been all downhill. I see. Yeah, that's fair. What was bogus? I think I've talked about it.

This is the fifth straight week. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And Joe Osmond mashup that you guys won't watch. No, I'm not going to, if I'm going to watch an imaginary friend movie, I'll watch Drop Dead friend. He's dead, Marcus. Drop Dead friend is dead. I know Drop Dead.

Fred is dead, but you know, he was good in that movie when I was 11. Man, I doubt it holds up, but I loved it at that age. It completely holds up. Really? 100% holds up. And except for the end, when they go into that imaginary world, which that part's really weird. But the whole part, when he like goes under like her mother's dress and he's like, look, no cobwebs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which is a kid to remember, I had no idea. And then he goes out and like, he beats pigeons to death with a pan. it's really funny. You ever watch you up dead friend? No. It's a good one. Drink my all. Just died though.

Yeah. Like two weeks ago. You know the guy from the young ones that died like two weeks ago? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. Gotcha.

Yeah. And Phoebe Kates. Yeah, Phoebe Kitts. Oh, great breasts. Yeah. Oh, great breasts. Grimlins. And Grimlins too.

Gotcha. Yep. Well, speaking of what people are calling a gremlin right now, Honey Boo Boo is getting some bad reviews from her recent appearance on the Tonight Show. Of course, her appearance in itself was cute, cuddly, a little bit sassy, but still in the end, pretty good. However, an audience member who was there wrote an article about her terrible on-camera behavior that was edited out. Apparently she hit Mama June at one point. She was very defiant the entire time.

Wanted everything done her way, the way she did it. And it just kind of goes to show, at least this writer says, that she may have been turned into a bit of a monster by the reality television show. Here's what I have to say about this. First of all, she's a child, and not to say that it's okay if a child acts terribly, but it happens because they're children. Second of all, of course she was turned into a monster. We all collectively did this to her.

Everyone is responsible, including that fucking audience member in the audience to see her. And what, like, the moral self-righteousness of this audience member to be like, that eight-year-old is not behaving correctly. I'm here to see her be good. Like, fuck you. Of course she's acting, she's acting like a child who gets everything she wants. Oh, you don't say. You fucking gave that to her.

She has a whole reality show based on her. Yeah. It is about her. She has older siblings. She has other family members. But there's a whole television show based about her. I know eight-year-old. I have an eight-year-old niece.

I've met her friends. They all think the world revolves her on them. Imagine a girl whose world actually does revolve her on her. Yeah. Yeah. Of course she acts like that. The writer calls her a tiny dimpled monster. Sure.

Fuck that writer. So hard. Seriously. You are in. Christy-O-Shoney is her name. You are in the audience. What do you? have a breakfast buffet inside of you?

You piece of shit, $6.99, I'll fucking eat your piece of shit scrambled eggs. Do you feel good taking down an eight-year-old Christiana-Chicconi or whatever your name is? It's not about the eight-year-old Molly. It's about us. It's about society.

Well, if she says we as society are horrible people, then that's one thing. But if she's putting any of it on the eight-year-old, which based on everything I've seen, like all the coverage, all the headlines are Honey Boo-boo is a monster. not this audience member and all of us are monsters, which is what is actually happening. She's a child.

This is not, none of this is her fault. Not to say that she doesn't have agency, but like we literally created her. But also too, where I had read something else, it was like, Mama June should have done something about it. It's like, already it's embarrassing to reprimand your child if you're at a store. In public. Take them out front and talk to them privately. Right, right.

On the Tonight Show. Yeah, right. What is she going to do? Reprimanders, she can't. People are so shitty to Mama June, and they want to say that Mama June's a bad mother, even though all... Just when she's fat doesn't mean she's a bad person. Exactly, exactly.

She seems like a great person. She cares about her kids so much. She has all their money and trust funds. She is present in their lives in a way that a lot of parents aren't. She obviously loves her children. Yeah, you're going to yell it. You're going to, like, do like a strict, disciplinary thing while your child's on the Tonight Show? No.

I would argue that any person who puts their child into a child pageant is kind of a piece of shit, though. Do you start off as a piece of shit? Sure. And I want to totally agree with that, except that I feel like pageants are like a cultural thing where it's like your kid does ballet in some places your kids does pageants in other place. All the little kids do pageants, right? And that's the only thing because I totally felt the same way. And then I feel like I started thinking about like if every three. year old does pageants, just like every three year old does gymnastics or ballet. Like if where you live, everyone does pageants, then are you such a bad mother for saying, oh, my kid wants to do what?

I think ballet and gymnastics are different because that's more like skill-based things. You know, with pageants, it's just dressing up a little girl like an adult and then just making her look pretty. There's a talent portion. And telling her that, like, pretty is the only thing that matters. I know. I think it's, I think they're illegal in France. Well, France.

Oh, well, we would buy everything France. That's what I'm saying is that it's so fucked up that France has banned it. No, just because they have bad mouths. Yeah, they're smug. Hey, there's nothing wrong with a bad mouth, all right. Well, French have them.

They're so smug. My family is French. No, they're not. Yeah, my grandmother, her maid name is two. What, five generations ago? We came from France at one point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How many generations have lived in Texas? Oh, two.

You're American. Also, if they came through New Orleans, they're like scandalized French. Yeah, no, we didn't come through New Orleans. Actually, we don't really have. You're American, God damn it. Oh, yeah, I'm as American as they come. More American even. More American as they go.

I'm more American. I'd be more American as it is, Dawn. Budweiser pocketbook campaign tanks. All right, it's time for the list. Who's on the list? Yeah, got to have that list. This is a last minute list. And in fact, it's quite an old one, but inspired by the Say By the Bell, unauthorized show.

I'm going to read some excerpts from behind the bell, Dustin Diamond's autobiography. Yes. Are not necessarily excerpts, but some things that he claims happen during the Say By the Bell years. Best day of my life. He says he is a sex god. It says he's slept with over 2,000 girls and has a very large penis. He said, I'm not Screech, I'm cool. I follow no man and women find me irresistible.

That's sad. He's so trapped by his character. Yeah, he's having a hard time. Slater raped a girl. Oh, my. And NBC paid her $50,000 in hush money. That's it. And there is a story and variety that seems to back up his claim.

Oh, no. No, man. $20 million. $20 million? Yeah, that would shut me out. Yeah, that's how much it was. Especially if that fucking. piece of shit was the one that did it.

Ugh. God. That's horrible. Everybody did drugs. While they were doing PS, like shows about the badness of doing drugs, they were all pretty fucked up on drugs the entire stuff. There's no hope with dope. That was a line.

That is true that there was no hope with dope. Of course. Johnny Dakota was there to teach them how not to do drugs. That's right. Didn't he get made an example of? Yeah, he was like smoking a J in the hallway of the school, which is definitely a federal crime, by the way.

And wasn't there a cocaine episode too, where he was, someone was doing a lot of cocaine, somebody to Zach really looked up to? I think that... There was a business guy, I think. Yes, yes. There was a business man. Okay, I watched this show a lot more than I admitted last week. Seems like you would have watched it a lot.

I did, I did watch it quite a bit, yes, unfortunately. But, there was a businessman that came to talk to the class. Of course, Zach Morris had asked of being a businessman as well. And this guy... Just like a general businessman?

Just a general business. I want to be businessmen. Zach had an absent dad, like an absent dad businessman. So it was like any man in a suit, Zach would look up to. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And so we found out that this businessman had a big cocaine problem and Zach's dreams were briefly crushed.

Yeah. There was also that episode with the duck that got covered in oil. Oh my God. It was a real sad one. Oh, the animals get covered in. oil. They discover oil on the school campus. Yeah, which also

what? Yeah, which is fucking weird. It's really weird. They discover oil and so they put an oil Derek on the school campus. But there's also like a duck pond that's near the like the oil. And the kids have been taking care of the ducks. Yeah, and then there's an oil spill.

And the ducks get covered in oil. Yeah. Marcus, you've watched this show a lot. It was one episode. He could have only seen that one episode for all you. I've seen a few of them. I don't know, Molly. I don't know. I've seen a couple, a lot. Shut up, Jackie. Kelly Kapowski fucked everyone. Good for her. Yeah, that's fine.

The girls too? Jesse, yes. Jesse Spano. Fucked everyone. Wow. Also fine. Lisa, Lisa fucking a turtle. Fucked everyone. Yeah. You got to. You know, I'm also. gathering from this that Screech may have an issue with the women. They funked everyone except Screech. There was also allegations of threesomes going on. I mean, they were a bunch of high schoolers.

They were. They were definitely a bunch of high schoolers with a lot of money, a lot of drugs. And a lot of fame. And a lot of fame. At the time, of course. Then they go to Hawaii for a little while. And then there was an episode where they like went to the call work to the camp. Or no, a resort.

A resort. And Leah Romini. She was Zach's love interest during those episodes. Yep, Mr. Carossi and Stacey Carossi. That's right, the Carosses. Time for blind. Oh, we can't see him. We can't see him.

Vigo Mortensen, he said that he only had sex with this A-list mostly movie actress, who is an Academy Award winner one time because she was so skinny and bony that it was painful. He compared it to having sex with a brick wall. Vigo Mortensen is a disgusting man. No, naked fight. Oh, come on. Fucking Aragon. Aragon. Strider. Yummy, yummy, yum, yami, yum, yum, yammy, yammy. Have you seen Eastern Brahmsus when he is the naked fight?

Yes. That's why I think he's disgusting. He was Russian. Yeah. He's got like a bony protrusion coming out of his lower spine. Yeah. He's got dick in the front, dick in the back. Oh, well, the brick wall, as it were, goop. Oh, of course. Fucking Gwyneth Paltrow. Why would you fuck her? She is sandpaper.

I'd fuck her. Really? Of course I would. No. Hate fuck her? No. Really? I mean, I'm sure she'd just lie there, but I'd enjoy what I enjoy fucking her and then

watching her naked body. Yeah, but she's so bony. Yeah, that's fine. Oh, man. I got no problem with Boney. Marcus. Yeah. You've seen some of the girls I've dated.

Yeah, but she's like particularly... You've seen some of the girls I've dated. Sizes, Jackie. You're being Sizes right now. I'm being Sizes. Anti-sizes. Mm-hmm. Anti-my-sizes.

Mm-hmm. That's right. That's right, Jackie. You can't see it. Don't snap at me. I'm snapping at you right now. I'm doing the Z-S formation. That's my fucking last name.

I have Z-brows. You can't fucking. fucking snap Z formation. Can he snap at every letter? I'll fucking snap right back at you. A lot of snapping. I'm going to bring two and fucking. All right next up.

Yeah. This B minus list, mostly television actress, had a long run on a hit cable show and was looking great, but her Adderall addiction is getting out of hand to the point it seems her new breasts way more than the rest of her. She's also famous for being awake all night and calling people at 3.8. am wanting to talk. Oh, it's all scholar here.

Oh, no. Adderall? Really? Adderall. Because she had a big drinking problem for a while. No, she had a Coke problem for a while, but I guess she switched over to Adderall. Just stick with the Coke. No, stay with the Adderall. I think Adderall does

less... You're more productive. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, cocaine is much worse than Adderall. She's so thin. She's too thin. And I'm not being anti-Mazizes right now. I'm saying she looked really good and then got weird. Yeah. Next up.

The sibling of this former Aila's tweener who has struggled to stay relevant since her hit show went off the air is not content to sit in her sister's shadow any longer and is filmed a porn in which she thinks she will make a fortune. Thing is, she's probably right. Younger sister of a woman doing a Las Vegas run right now. Jamie Lynn Spears? Sex tape. Wow. Oh, she just had a baby. Yeah. Isn't she in her mid-20s right now or something?

Yeah, I think so. You know, I don't even think she's not, I mean, a porn tape, she's not even the hottest girl in a porn that I've seen this week. Yeah, not at all. And also, I thought she was doing country singing. Yeah, I guess so, but the sex tapes leaking and it's country, quote-unquote country. Yeah, it's country without the, oh. They're just...

You're great. You're great, Jackie. You're great. I love you. The look of satisfaction on Jackie's face, which she said, it was really like, she said that,

and then she did, like, lean back. I knew. I did it. I did it. You should have just cracked your knuckles after that one. You're welcome. And it's time now for,

you know what? I'm going to go ahead and fucking say it. Juntra! Oh, my God. It's been a month of Jumtrak. He's gay all over again, everyone. Well, this is.

a weird one. This was really weird. This is just him being an asshole. This A-plus list, mostly movie actor, who is an Academy Award winner, once bet his girlfriend... Sorry. Yeah, let's poke a hole in that.

He once bet his girlfriend and lost. The girlfriend at the time was a B-minus list, mostly movie actor. A lot worse has happened to her over the years, and her marriage is pretty strange, too. So what's happened to her over the years? John Travolta, all that horrible stuff.

Of course, it's Kelly Preston. But the man that she was dating at the time, he was pretty big on ER back in the day. Not George Clooney. George Clooney. No way. What a downstep fall. Yeah, that is a big fall.

That is a tumble. Oh, my God. Oh, I took a tumble down from first. Man, that is a tumble. That is a tumble. I can't believe she. She used to date George Clooney. Yeah, yeah.

That's crazy. And he bet her once. George Clooney did? He used her as betting material. Bet Kelly Preston. Like, I'll bet you a Kelly Preston that? Yeah. Interesting.

Yeah. That's D. So he's kind of, yeah, so George Clooney is the piece of shit. Yeah, it turns out. George Clooney and John Travolta are both. John Travolta is always gay, so that's not a piece of shit, but he should come out.

Of course. And we're still on Gummy Bear Watch, 2014. Oh my God, Gummy Bear! Still waiting for more information about Gummy Bear 3D Unleash. At the same time, I really didn't expect to say it, but I think George Clooney might be the biggest piece of shit in this whole blind end. That's really rough.

He definitely is. I can't believe he better. I mean, he's moved onward and upward. I think that was probably a long time ago. I hope his human rights lawyer girlfriend is like, I'm going to fucking charge you for betting a human being. Well, I think that, you know, he's grown up. Molly. He has grown up. He's grown up. He's got a hot human rights lawyer or girlfriend.

Yeah. I found out what the fuck gummy bear is. What is it? Apparently, it's based on a virtual singing sensation slash global brand. It launched in 2012. It generated

3.6 billion downloads. That YouTube video? Huh? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's what it's based on. Yeah. I was wondering that last time. Like years ago, my young students, who are probably now all high schoolers, they were really into that YouTube video. It was not the gummy bears, gummy bears, but it was a different gummy bear YouTube video.

But what is it? It's just a YouTube video about gummy bears. Yeah, check it out. This is Yummy Gummy Nuki Nuki Gummy Bar. This is going to be an entire movie voiced by John Travolta. And his family. And his family. I'm talking about sex

I'll share Nookie if you're on my front I see behind their veil of bullshit I will never allow my children to watch this shit all of this is shit Your kids are gonna be mad at you I don't care I'll let them watch Ren and Stimpy

Yeah you know I'll let them watch Beavis and Butt-Hend I will let them watch anything else I'll let them watch it and all of the Halloween movies. What if your mom had let you watch the things that were bad when she was a child, but not any of the things he was named? What, like the little rascals?

Scampy scampums! Look at him with that dog. Get into that fouts. No, we watched everything bad for us when we were kids. Yeah. And it made us better people. See, yeah. That's what I'm saying, though.

But yummy, yummy, gummy, gummy, gummy, gummy, nokey. Nokey, that's brainless. I'm just saying the same logic could be applied is all I'm saying. Scary. I know. That's what's terrifying about being an adult.

You haven't been around like kids all the time though watching like Mickey Mouse playhouse and the what is it? The teletubbies and all that shit? I mean, Nazis. It's just they're all fucking Nazis. Are they?

I don't know if they are. On that note, are we nooky, nooky and on ad here? You're going to leave on that. Questionable factual claim. I never said it was all based on facts. My name is Jackie Zeroski. My name is Molly Neffle. I'm Marcus Parks.

Oh, gummy bears. They're all Nazis. Bouncing in a name it wins.