Page 7 - Episode 89: Can't Win for Losing Weight

Episode Date: May 10, 2015

The View gets all shook up for no good reason (although the departure of Jenny McCarthy is wonderful), a dude shoots himself in the face after his wife kisses Leo, and Oprah might be going down down down. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Put me in a fucking Transformers movie. No. Come on. I am a robot. I am a robot. Put me in the Transformers movie. My name is Jackie Zerowski. My name is Molly Neffold.

I'm Marcus Barth. And this is my audition. It's my audition. No. Come on. No. Met me. Oh, now I'm a car.

I'm a car. Now I'm a... I'll kill you with my robot. Man. I have a Hulu plug. which I think it's bullshit that you pay for Hulu Plus every fucking month and there's like a million

commercials in every fucking show. And on Bob's Burgers, which I really I love to fucking death for the first like 10 episodes every commercial break had the new Transformers movie trailer. And it, how?

How? Do they keep? And Stanley Tucci? They make so much money. Get out of that movie, Stanley Tucci. I mean, he's making so much money. Mark Wahlberg is a piece of cardboard. And it's just like, look, oh no, it becomes a killer. I just, I've never seen a transformer movies.

I don't even. I don't even. I had one when I was a kid. Do you ever have one? Yeah, I had a couple. Yeah, I had the ones that would change. It had one that changed your motorcycle. Yeah, I remember the first time my brother ever beat the shit out of me

was when I broke his Optimus Prime Transformer. Damn. And is he's the bad one? He's the good one. He's the good one. Yeah, the bad one is... The humans? Dintram.

Dim chim. Dern time. Oh, is this like an America versus Chinese thing? The Decepticons. Oh. I can't remember what the name of the big baddie is. But remember Optimus Prime is the truck and he turns to do an 18 wheeler. And then he turns into Optimus Prime and I broke him when I was four.

My brother beat the fuck out of me. Well, you deserved it. I probably did. We had some like off-brand transformers that transformed into letters. Go-bots? No, wait. They transformed the last. Letters.

They're not even go bots. Like shitty educational transformers. What? It's funny because my childhood wasn't filled with like educational toys. It wasn't like that type of family. But for a long time I was like, yeah, transformers. They transform into letters. And then we build words.

And then I was like, oh, they transform from like a robot into another crazier robot. Or a vehicle. A car mostly. Sometimes dinosaurs. They were dynobots. I remember the dinosaur ones. I like the dinosaur ones better than the fucking car idiot ones. Yeah, because cars are boring to me.

Yeah, at times it was cool. They make everything better. Yes, they do. Yeah. You know who made everything better. But who is now gone. Who, who, who? Sherry.

No. Sherry Shepard is gone from the view. I just, it's why, Sherry, why? Yeah, I'm heartbroken. Her breasts and my breasts touch. They touched that day. And they've also kicked out Ginny McCarthy. Which, you know, good ridden.

Good. Good ridden. But Sherry Shepard's been there for the long haul. Do you think they kicked her out or do you think that she left? Seems like the contract negotiations broke down. They came to an impasse and Sherry got the fuck out of there. Willingly? Well, I mean, not really that.

Not really willingly. Yeah, not really willingly. Of course, that's the party line. Uh-huh, right. They're coming out and saying they're like, oh, she was difficult with contract. So I don't know. All I know is that whoopee's the only one left. Last woman standing.

Damn, man. Man, that sucks. It's crazy because I watched The View that day, Thursday, the day that they, like, made the announcement. And everyone seemed fine. You never would have saw it coming. I just don't understand that, like, Cherry is the better raced one on the show. Everyone loves Whoopi. I love Whoopi.

But Sherry. Yeah. I'm not sure what you mean. Because you know what I mean? We were just talking about the talk. Yes. Where you have to have, like, weirdly enough. Token.

Yeah. Yeah. Which I'm not saying I'm for it. I'm just saying that's the way that it is. And she was the fun one. Yeah. Well, and her and Whoopi played off each other really well, I thought. And like, for example, the one that I saw on Thursday,

they both ganged up on this white guy who was being a real douche. And it was a lot of fun. I was like, go, girls, go. And so they, and they, like, disagree a lot because, like, Sherry is, like, you know, Christian and very, like, moralistic. And Whoopi's like, fuck it. But, like, yeah, I mean, I think. that getting rid of Sherry, I think, I think Whoopi is my number one. Well, Sherry and Whoopi are my two

favorites. Yeah. Yeah. And now, I mean, who are they going to bring in? Aisha Tyler? Fucking from the talk? The idiot talk? So the talk, I was telling Jackie, the talk was on at the gym today, and I didn't listen to it because I was like, I don't know if I can even handle how stupid this is going to be, but I should have listened to it. But it's Sharon Osborne, the girl from Roseanne, two black women. I didn't know who they were. When is Aisha Tyler from Talk Soup? And she was on Friends for a little bit.

And it was weird because everyone was sitting in the same places as people sit on the view. Like the oldest one, Sharon Osborne, was sitting where Barbara Walters used to sit. And so on and so forth. It was a weird seating chart. So they got Becky? No, not Becky.

The other one, the miserable one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, from Roseanne. Okay, so she's there. So she's a lesbian. So I think she's like, right? I don't know. I'm pretty sure she is.

I think so. Maybe we'll see. However, I don't know her name, so I'm just going to have to put in miserable girl. From Roseanne. Rosan lesbian. The word Gilbert is in her name somewhere. Yes, it is.

Yes, Sarah Gilbert. And she's been out for about four years now. That's okay. So I think that that's why, like that's their whole, I think that's where they feel they have an, They're like, we've done one more token. Yeah, we have, we got a gay on our show. Why don't you step it up, ladies?

Maybe that's why they got a ex-porn star or, you know, flagrant whore of a woman, Jenny McCarthy, on the view originally. But God knows, keep your mouth shut and just smile. It's better that way. Right? I should have watched because I love Sharon Osborne. I find her to just be charming as hell. She is.

She's wonderful. But I think she's wonderful because she, because she went through the whole cancer thing. Yeah, that does tend to turn someone's perspective. Yeah. Also, I like Sharon Osborne because she used to be really fat. And she was fat all, like even with Ozzy Osmond, like when she was younger, she was fat. Yeah.

And Ozzy was down with it, which is awesome to me. And then she lost all the weight. And then she got cancer. Fucking, what is it with these fates? Can't win for losing. Can't win for losing. Wait. Right.

Right, guys. Yay. Thank you. Thank you. But now I don't, why watch it? I don't want to watch it anymore. I know. It's just going to be whoopee being all like, get off my lawn, you know.

Yeah. Who could possibly replace those two women? I mean, you know, Jenny McCarthy's going to be pretty easy to replace. Very easy. But they've got to replace them by next week. It just happens so fast. Yeah. They're on a week-long hiatus right now for the holidays.

But then next week, they got to come back with all new people. Man, they got to get their shit together. I bet they'll bring Barbara back for an episode. I bet they will. Well, that was the thing is that upset me is right before I came on today, it said like Barbara Walters breaks her silence on the leavings of the view. And she was just like, yeah, I don't know what's going to happen. That was her breaking the silence.

Yeah, her exact quote is, I don't know, I'm not sure. That's not even breaking your silence to Barbara World. That's just mumbling. No, that's just, I think that's just us weekly running wild with. He says, I know the view will continue. I don't think we have a new direction yet. I think we have time. Also, speaking of Barbara Walters, did you guys hear that she has come out of retirement so that she can interview the dad of the UC Santa Barbara shooter?

Oh, I heard. She's been retired for like a month and she was like, oh, you've missed me. No, she can't fucking stay away. You know, she's just sitting at home just like stare at the television television. She's like, why can't it be me? Why can't it be me? Put me on the TV box. They're all awful.

Watching the view and like jumping in to interrupt people and like phantomly grabbing arms that aren't next to her. Just so upset. Yeah. I feel like I'd probably be the same way. You know, if you were that, like, essential to interviewing, to television, and then you just, you can't just leave. Mm-mm.

I was reading about that with Katie Couric, because Katie Couric just got married. Oh, my God. No, I bet so. Oh, my God. And her husband, who was the love of her life, died about 10 years ago. Oh, yeah. And it was cancer. And she was heartbroken.

She was like, I'll never love again. and then she fell in love again. Of course she did. And she fell in love with another man whose wife also died and also didn't think he would ever love again. And they have their grown show. Oh my God, the pictures.

And she looks radiant. She's beautiful because she's not doing her talk show thing anymore. Talk show's not going on anymore. And she's just doing like global news for Yahoo or whatever. Oh, really? And at the wedding it was just 60 people. It was like in her backyard, flowers from the garden. gorgeous, simple.

Oh, they do look like a couple of people whose spouses have died of cancer. Oh. I mean, they look, you know, they look fine. They look good. But man, does she look good for 60? She's 60. Ha la la la la la.

Wow. She looks good. That fellow is pretty handsome. He is handsome. That is really good plastic surgery. He is. It's great. It's because it's about, it doesn't make her look,

make her look young. Like, really young. It makes her look like 45-50. Like a really good 50. And also her body, Mama Mia. Monty-Chot-T-T-T-T. And her dress was so elegant and beautiful

and just like right on those hips. Wow. And that's Katie Kirk we're talking about. I was stunned. I was reading the people this morning at 5.30 the morning taking a shit in the bathroom. Oh, man. I don't have any idea who is.

It's going to be, they say that they were also supposed to fire the executive producer. It seems like his contracts are still in talks as well. So it looks like they're just doing house cleaning on this show. I don't think it's going to make it good. Yeah. I mean, you know, this thing is, it's really kind of a Frankenstein, isn't it? It's been alive for 15 years. Patched it, patched it.

Put me on it. You would be great on it. How do I get on the view? I know. They should have open auditions. Yes, they should. And you should go on it. And I should be given it.

I shouldn't even have to audition. Yeah, that's true. Look me up and down to be like, does your shirt say boy inspector? And I'll say, yes, it does. Put me on the show. Oh, man. You know, Sherry was there for seven years. Yeah.

Seven whole years. And she went through the whole wedding and she had the baby. Yeah, the baby's now like a small child. She got, went through that rough divorce. And she was wearing those heels the entire time. I know. And she's also really funny. A lot of times I disagree with Sherry Shepard.

She has, she's like a flat earther, I think. I think she believes the earth is flat, which is, you know. No way. No, I'm fairly certain she has some really weird religious views. But she is hilarious. She's very funny. And her politics besides the flat earth part generally are pretty good. Also, she's just a spitfire.

Yeah, you know? She's like a sparkler. Yeah, she is. She really is. She's like the Fourth of July wrapped into a tiny package. Yeah, a tiny boobful package. Man, those breasts. Yeah.

Yeah, she does think the world is flat. It's a shame. It really? It really kind of colors my view for a little bit. I don't understand. What does that mean? What does that mean? What are you reading books from the perspective of Christopher Columbus? Is that when he stopped reading?

Here's what it says that she said in 2007 that she didn't, she doesn't believe in evolution period. Okay. And Whippy Goldberg asked her, is the world? flat, is the world flat? And she said, I don't know. And then she said, you know, I've never really thought about it. I mean, she's not bright. She just sparkles. I'm saying she sparkles. She's not, you know, a flamethrower. Well, and that's not as, I mean, a conversation on the view can get misconstrued. I was under the impression that she was a rather outspoken flat earther. But it sounds like that's just that one time that whoopee got daughter. She's making fun of her.

Yeah, she said that it was a brain fart and that she was very embarrassed about it. Oh, okay. All right, I take it all back. I love you, Sherry Shepard. Well, you know who else was embarrassed about something this week? I would say maybe Leonardo DiCaprio might be embarrassed because a model that he made out with, ooh. Her husband shot himself in the face.

Why would Leonardo DeCabro be embarrassed about this? Why would he be embarrassed about it? You know what? He didn't make her cheat. No. He probably, honestly, didn't know that she was married. Probably didn't care that she was married. No.

He didn't make the vow. He was not the one that was married. Not that I'm saying that it's right. But he didn't force her. This was no mouth rape. They both, have you seen the pictures? Look like hot fucking people just sucking on each other. Putting their faces.

Dancing in a cabana. Oh, yeah. Fuck yeah. That sounds great. I feel like, yeah. Leave your husband at the Gabana door. What husband? We're in Cannes.

We're in the Cannes Film Festival. I got a picture of, here of Leo whispering into her ear. What is he saying to her? Oh my God. And she is just, hey-oh-tok. Okay, but can we talk about Leo's gnarly goatee?

Yeah, he's got rough facial hair lately. It's probably for a movie. That's all sure. Hide behind that. Yeah, that's what I say. Anytime someone looks terrible. I'm like, eh, it's probably for a movie. I think it's just because...

With men, it's bad facial hair. With women, it's shaved heads. Yeah. I feel like with him, though, why would he have to try to look good? He doesn't have to. Yeah, he's looking out of Caprio. Yeah, but it's just disrespectful to be that handsome and have a stupid goatee. Yeah, and also it's just like he has bad neck hair, I've noticed.

Like it goes down to the fold of his neck and pass, and that's rough. Doesn't mean I would push him away if he starts kissing on me? Where is it supposed to go? You stop it before the fold of your neck. Yeah. I think it's supposed to stop like right underneath. You know, if you push down, you see where the skin kind of goes in there, the flesh kind of goes in right after the bone. That's where I think that's a good stopping point.

You don't want it down to the Adams Apple. Adams Apple's way too far. Yeah, because then it gets on the sides too and it looks like, ugh. Bad. It's bad. It's very bad. But her pussy of a husband killed himself. Yeah.

She went into a shooting range and shot himself in the head. Oh my God. What does that teach? Yeah, first of all, you're ruining everybody's day who works or goes to that shooting range. Someone's got to clean that shit up. They got to lose money to shut down. They're going to fucking, oh. Also, I feel like she'd be like, oh, thank God.

Now I can go make out with whoever I want to make out. That's, give it it too easy. I mean, if that is the reason why he killed himself, that is such a, like, I mean, that is a tantal. I mean, there's all sorts of reasons why people do this, obviously. But that's a not nice thing to do to your wife, I think. Their marriage was on the rocks. He was upset, like he was like, but the problem is, I mean, I also don't think he should be in a relationship with somebody that you're obsessed with either.

That's the thing, right. He was like, like, she was his everything. Right. And it's, I actually feel like it's, uh, I mean, I definitely know women who have been with dudes who have been like, if you leave me, I'll kill myself. Which is an incredibly coercive thing to do to somebody. It's not, yeah, it's terrible. You're not supposed to do that.

So if you're going to keep saying that, you're going to be overbearing, and you do all this shit, I'm going to kiss Leonardo DiCaprio. And it sucks so the pictures got out. But man, I don't know. If I had a crazy fucking husband and, like, pictures came out that I was kissing Leonardo DiCaprio, I'd be like, fuck, yeah, man. At least it was, she wasn't, like, kissing Jack Nicholson. She wasn't kissing, like, some old, like a homeless man on the street just to get away from him.

She was kissing Leonardo DiCaprio. Damn. Man, this guy's had a bad few years. His friends told TMZ, well, quote unquote, friends. And told him that he was feeling lethargic and lacking libido two years ago, started injecting HGA, human growth hormones and testosterone. Then he started having extreme mood swings because you shouldn't put more testosterone into your body if you're a man. And then he quit the hormone therapy, cold turkey about a year ago. sent him into a deep depression. His marriage failed, his business failed. Boom!

Shotgun in the face. Man, testosterone is a powerful fucking drug. Real powerful. And I know some people who are born with low testosterone, they have to take testosterone pills. That's fine. But if you're just not feeling frisky, then... That's not the reason.

That's not the reason. Right. Yeah. There's medical reasons that people might need testosterone or estrogen. Yeah. But, I mean... Yeah, taking synthetic hormones for fun will fuck with your emotions. Yeah, man.

Oh, man, that's why steroids are so bad. Yeah, and why birth control makes women a little bit bananas sometimes, yeah. It was weird. In the People magazine, there was a whole ad supporting the human growth shit, the injections, to put into your body to make you feel and look younger. What, really? There was an actual, I mean, I think it was a paid advertisement, but it was made to look like an article that was in People magazine.

And I was reading through it, I was like, what? What? What is this? No. No. What? That's crazy. And it's like, can you guess how old this woman is?

56? It's like, okay. Well, HGH on its own does not cause emotional problems. Doesn't cause mood swings. It causes nerve muscle or joint pain, swelling due to fluid in the body's tissues, carpal tunnel syndrome, numbness and tingling of the skin and high cholesterol levels. But why do you need it? it's just a juice

you get all juiced up? Yeah, yeah, it's a juice type thing and it is supposed to invigorate you and reverse the aging process a bit. And it's also illegal for professional athletes or body followers to... Oh, that's right. Yeah, it's...

So what you're saying is maybe we should try it. I think I should try it, you should try it, Molly should try it. We should all take a field trip to wherever they're shooting people up with... I don't know, where do you go? Chinatown? Chinatown.

Probably Chinatown. Either that or where all the Dominican live. Because the Dominicans real big on the illegal plastic surgery butt injections. Really? Yeah. Oh, it's the butt thing. Yeah, women die.

Oh my God, those butt things. It's like, girl, your butt looks good. Stuff it. Yeah, just go to those, the stores with those Applebottom jeans. Yeah, with the apple bottom jeans. Boots with the fur. Thank you.

False advertising. I know that. I don't like, I don't like those things. I'm not going to walk around wearing a t-shirt that makes it look like I have a six-pack. Why, you get it in the beach. Yeah, I would believe it. Like one of those

like the superhero costumes for the boys that have like the whole chest plate. No, this is me. This is all me. I'm sure that I can take this off of you. Don't touch me. Oh, bitch. Well, I'm not going to continue on with this date.

I'm leaving my shirt on during sacks. Oh, God. All right. I guess it's fine. But don't touch me. Don't touch me. Don't get too close. If it feels like foam, that's just because I haven't exercised in a day. I'm spongy tonight, baby.

It's not usually like this. Well, we got a short episode today, so it's time for the list. Who's on the list? Yeah, got to have that list. Also, Shia LaBoof is just kind of a piece of shit, and it's a boring story, so fuck that. Yeah, but fuck him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck that guy all the way as possible.

adult stars who live with their parents. Ooh. Wait, do you mean like adult? Like currently living? Like Bradley Cooper? Bradley Cooper's first on the list. Yeah, he is, baby. Not like porn stars, like just adult actors.

No, yeah, people who are adults. Yes. All right. Not Sasha Gray. Not Gina Jameson. I don't think they live with their parents. It was a very specific list. Not Jade of Fire.

Not Skin Diamond. I just saw Sasha Gray for the first time. She's amazing, isn't she? Yeah, and I was very surprised because I'd heard the name for so much and I was like, oh. The best ass in the entire world. She's quite foxy. She's very foxy.

I just can't believe I'd never seen her before. Yeah, invigorating. I don't know what I'm doing when I get home. Yeah, y'all. All right, Bradley Cooper is number one. But he does have a house for his mother on the property. Well, he moved in with his mom in 2011 after his dad died. He's such a good man.

He's called her a cool chick. I mean he wasn't that good And fucking, what was it? Not almost famous. Bad haircut, Christian Bill. American Hustle. American Hustle. Yeah.

Yeah, he wasn't that good. Wasn't thrilled with that movie. But I love him. I really do. I like him. He has shark mouth. He does have shark mouth. But he also took his mom to a few of like the awards ceremonies too.

That's pretty cool. I don't know how I feel about him calling her a cool chick though. That seems a little bit patronizing. I'd call my mom a cool chick. Maybe she's just like a hippie chick. Maybe I call my mom more like a cool lady. Yeah, I feel like chick is like, my mom can hang. Yeah.

Maybe he gets, I bet he gets stoned with his mom. I feel like that's what that means. I hope so. Yeah, I think so. You know? No, you know, worse things to do with your mother. Yeah. There's a lot worse you can do with you.

Hey, Sasha Gray is not fucking her mother. She doesn't fuck her mother? No. She doesn't pseudo fuck her mother? No, if anything, she fucks her father. Oh, well, that's just girls. being girls. Jennifer Lawrence lives with her parents.

Interesting. In a condo. Yeah, they all live in a huge condo together. In a condo. Where? A condominium. Probably L.A. Yeah, but also it's like condos

aren't that big. It's not a house. It says her in her parents' condo. She said it would be very bizarre to be living in a big mansion by myself. So she doesn't want to live alone in a huge mansion. So she lives with their parents instead. Well, that's, I don't know.

I don't know. I just get a nice bunch of. Like one bedroom apartment. Yeah. You don't need a mansion. I love that. Yeah. That would be great.

Get a dog. Yeah. No, man. If I fucking was making Jennifer Lawrence money, fucking get me a nice bedroom down in Soho. Yeah. I'd be fucking a okay. And an indentured servant.

An indentured servant, absolutely. White. It doesn't have to be white. Doesn't have to be white, but it doesn't have to be black. Cannot. I would argue probably can't be black. I would say, I would rather a child.

This argument started on the round table. A child. is a fine indentured. But when we say inventured, you are paying them. Paying them. They just can't do anything. A butler. A butler.

Don't tell them that they can't do. A little. Yeah, you mean a butler. An indentured servant would mean they were paying off some sort of important debt to you that you would never let them leave. Okay, that's what it is. Maybe I could buy some debt off of, say, the Chinese. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Get the kids. Save the kids that they were going to kill.

Have them work in your one bedroom apartment in So-oh. White save the kids. Oh my God, white man's burden. Yeah. I know. Man, it has been a rough month for me. Yeah, man. It's a big burden.

Ow, my shoulders. I'm holding the weight of all these people. Snooky lives with her mother. Actually, she lives. Is she married? Has a kid? Yeah, they live in the basement. Yeah.

I feel like that's a jersey thing. I have, yeah, but I have no money. and I would rather live on the streets than live in my parents' house. And I have a fine relationship with my parents. But I have the tiniest amount of money that I'm able to live on my own. And that's what I choose. Yeah. Yes.

I guess maybe they have a lot more money than because of that, I guess. They probably have a nice living arrangement, but yeah. Well, it's said that they're staying in the living room. They said that they're staying in the basement because they're building their own house. All right. So that's something. The Jennifer Lawrence thing is definitely weird. Yeah, that is, it is, yeah.

That's really weird. You're an adult, Jennifer Lawrence. You know what isn't weird, though? And this is good. Amanda Bines is living with her parents again. That's fine. That is okay. Yeah, if you're having a hard time, get in there.

We haven't heard from her in such a long time. Because she's living with her fucking parents. That's great. They have her. She's doing what she's supposed to be doing. Lock and key. Got that girl under Lock and key. I wonder if they put some wigs in that room for her, though.

Just as she could pretend. Oh, honey, have fun. Have a good. He's your wig. He's your wigs. Have a bong rip. He's a wigs. Oh, no. Gerald, don't take her wigs away from her. That's the only thing she loves.

Don't take her wigs. Okay, honey, you can have one. Oh, God. And then they throw her back on the pig pen. It rolls around the mud and everything's fine. Oh, picky, picky, picky, picky, picky, picky, picky, picky, picky, picky, picky, picky, picky, picky, picky, picky, picky, picky. Blonde item time.

Oh, no, you can't see him. Ooh, this beloved, this one's kind of sad. This beloved mogul slash media darling has suddenly gone on the low low because of what we're hearing to be early onset dementia. People are going into overdrive to cover this up with all kinds of stories. Too bad though. If the public was made more aware of how close this illness hits home, it could bring some much needed attention to this backbreaker and the care needed,

but to each their own. What a socially conscious blind eye on it. Sometimes sometimes they get like that. Sometimes when someone's suffering from like a rare, disease or something. It's like, you know what? Why don't you come out with it? It helps people. Kind of the same reason why we do gay items. You know what? Just fucking, it helps people.

Be proud. Yeah. Be proud. Do it. Do it. But yeah, mogul slash media darling talk show host for years. This is going to be a big one because I don't think after she has dementia, I don't think she's going to be reading any more books. Oprah. Yeah.

No. Yeah. Oprah. Oh, that's. really sad. That's it. Why are you laughing? You go, Oprah. I love Oprah.

Oprah's great. I got nothing against Oprah. Oh, she has to come out. Of all the people, she has to come out. Yeah, she has to. Because then people will put like money and billions

and billions of dollars into research. Yeah, for dementia, which is like a very terrible, terrible disease. She is not that old. She's like 60. Oh my God.

Nightmare. Yeah, she is 60 years. She's got hips for days. For days. I mean, her plastic, the plastic surgery does kind of make her look like an alien these days. Look, check out that picture. She does sort of look alien. Yeah, but it's not as bad as other people's.

And also, man, that Photoshop work they do on O Magazine. She doesn't look a day over 35. I know, she's real smooth. It's crazy. I was like, I just wanted to be like, hurrah, whoever is making these pictures. She looked older in 1986 than she does now. Yeah, oh, yeah. Here's a picture of her in 1980.

Oh yeah. Look at that air, baby. She looks 60 in that picture. These days she's looking at a cruel 43. Oh yeah, she's definitely, she is a tight face. But it's not too bad. And her dresses are great. Yeah, that's the thing.

I think she might be better dressed now. Also, she dresses age appropriately, which I find nice. Yeah. You know, she dresses like a nice mom. Yeah, real nice mom, even though she ain't a mom. You know, that's one of the big travesties of the last 50 years. Where's all the money going to go? Maybe she can adopt me.

Gail. It's going to go to Gail. And probably Stedman. Probably Gail and Stedman. I guess that, yeah. Yeah. But some, I mean, she can adopt me. I'll take care of her.

I'll nurse her. I'll nurse her. You want to be your home nurse? I would love to see you nursing Oprah Winfell. Oh, yeah, man. I would get her any kind of macaroni and cheese she wants. Remember when she ate all that? Macaronian cheese?

Yeah. 30 pounds of it. God, you know what? I think, guys, I think tonight I'm going to eat macaroni and cheese for Oprah Winfrey. I think you should. And this is taking a lot out of my day because I was going to eat wings for dinner. I think I'm going to eat macaroni and cheese for her.

Why not both? Wow, Marcus. This blew my mind. Thank you for this gift. Wings and cheese. Oh my God, wings and cheese, baby. You can put that on my tombstone. That sounds pretty good.

A sober companion had to be flown to Europe to help this former A-list, mostly movie actress, who had a crazy bender filled with booze and pills that almost killed her. She ain't taken the divorce too well. Goop? No, the divorce, the big Catholic divorce that we covered a couple weeks ago, used to be hot, now all gremlin. Oh, I remember talking about female Gremlin. She had a man.

Oh, Melanie Griffiths! Oh, man, good Antonio Vandera's impersonation. Thank you. Oh, also Philadelphia just started streaming on Netflix. Oh, yeah, go out and watch it, folks. It started today. Philadelphia's streaming on Netflix and so was Legends of the Fall. Oh, I always Legend of the Fall.

Yeah, Anthony Hopkins all stroked out. I was talking about it at work today and I'm sure you haven't seen the movie, Molly. No. But remember when he comes home and he hasn't been home in a long time and Anthony Hopkins is wearing the bear suit? And he can't talk and he just writes on the thing, Happy.

Remember how sad that was? You cries through the whole movie. It's a sad movie. It's a real sad movie. But Brad Pitt's got the long hair. He's riding on a fucking horse. And man, fuck. This is what Brad Pitt.

Aiden Quinn's in that movie too, right? Yeah, he is. And Anthony Hopkins plays like the patriarch of the family. and then he has a stroke and he's just like Yeah and the bitch I always called her the fucking bitch She sat next to me in a restaurant last year Was she a bitch?

No she just looked like a normal person But she got fucking old And she looked old So So you get that And I'm not a bitch, you're a bitch You fucking all the brothers You, uh, let's just the fall

Anyway Oh man I'm trying to find out who this woman is Julia Osmond Yes Julia Ormond Julian. Oh, yeah, Julia or another.

Oh. Yeah, that bitch. That fucking bitch that tore the family apart. That's what happens when brothers love the same woman. Yeah. They both loved it. Is it possible I saw this movie in eighth grade in class? Absolutely.

Absolutely. Yeah. It is a civil war. It's like brother against brother. No, World War II. Well, yeah. And it's three brothers. One goes after war.

He dies. And it's like the woman is left. And there's a bear. Oh my God, and the bear, and then they're riding the horses, and then it's brothers, brothers, brothers. And you're like, just kiss, but they can. They're brothers. But man, how many times I watched that movie when they're like,

yeah, when Aiden Quinn and Bradpeter were like yelling at each other, I'm like, just fuck each other. Please just fuck each other in that bed. Actually, it's, it's World War I. World War I. Yeah. And there's some pretty sweet-ass battle scenes in it, too. It's got something for everyone.

It does sound like that. Yeah, it's one of my father's favorite movies. I have to. I haven't seen it in. His email address is one stab. No way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ned's favorite movie.

He loved it. Wow. Yeah. I mean, it is a horsey movie. He does love horsies. Oh, yeah. I see. A big horsey pad.

It's a cowboy. It's a cowboy movie. Yeah, I see. I like to call him horses. Horsey movies. My dad, he's a romantic. At heart, he's a romantic. I'll ask him when I first meet him, be like,

hello, sir. Do you like? Horsy movies? He will not enjoy that question. It is very patronizing and condescending. Horsi movies, horsey movies. I don't even like it. Yo, come on, horsey movies.

I love horsey movies. Zorro. Rasa. This A-list, mostly television actor from a very hit network show, was at a party this weekend. It was asked about his craziest sex, and he said it was with this daughter. of a president while her sister was in the next room and guards were outside the house.

Bush girls, baby. Gotta be the Bush girls. Oh, it's the Bush girls. Oh, man, gotta be. Man, they were hot. Oh, yeah, man. Jenna and something else? Yeah, Jenna and Barbara.

Barbara. Yeah. Yeah, I had a friend that said he had a pretty fucked up sexual encounter with one of them in Austin once when they were both going to UT. They looked like hose.

I think it involved puke, but I'm not sure. Voluntarily or? I think it was involuntarily. Yeah. But yeah, I think it was, there was either puke or pee involved. It was definitely a bodily fluid of some kind. But yeah, these girls are wild.

Yeah, I've heard the same story. Secret Service stories about two of those girls, man. I don't know, I guess maybe I don't know. You can't say, yeah, you can't talk about that. Yeah. And the man who was telling the stories, Hidden Network show. Also had a show on Fox.

Had a show on MTV. Jamie Kennedy. No, bigger than Jamie Kennedy. Although similar, a prank show. Ashton Coucher. Yeah, fuck you. Oh, come on. What?

I think I hate him now. After the juice thing, I can't stand him. And I used to, I loved Ashton and Mila together. And I can't, I can't. What's wrong with fucking Jenna Bush? Oh, trashy. It's trashy. Yeah, you don't...

Oh, it's trashy. Okay, well, I've fucked plenty of Texas girls just like Jenna Bush. I don't even... You know those girls. Those are trashy girls. And I fuck those girls and yes, they are trashy. I don't care about trashy girls.

You can be whoever, whatever type of girl you want. But unless you have distanced yourself from George W. Bush to the extent that you're like, yes, he's my father, but I'll never speak to him again, then I'm not fucking you. You know? Also, yeah, because he's such a liberal. I think my, whoa, is more against Ash and Coucher for being like, yeah, man, I fucked her.

Yeah, man. Yeah, because I'm sure that he was like a dick about it. I'm sure he was like, yeah, I like liberal hate fucked Jenna Bush, which is gross. I bet he was the one that puked all over her. She's probably barely coherent. She's probably laying on a bed. Legs spread open, dress pulled up over her fucking tight stomach. And he just pulled her panties aside and was like, uh-uh.

And then puked on her. He was like, yeah, I'm a liberal. That's what I imagine happened. Ashton Coochard's a piece of shit. He is the demon in this story. Juice! I just have fun with her. Hey lady, want to go out to Sixth Street?

And we're going to go home? What's Sixth Street? It's in Austin. It's a social district. I thought that was like a hip-hop club. Sixth Street on the beat. Gotta get your feet. Up and dance.

Gay item time. Yay, it was gay. Which A plus list actor, who's always. always been vague on his sexuality, recently paid off a Russian tabloid after they interviewed a barely legal rent boy who blabbed about their one-night stand. It's the same guy that it always is when it's not John Travolta. Tom Cruise. And when it's also not Tom Cruise. The dirty one, the one who just couldn't give a fuck. Uh, yeah. Banana. Yeah. Kevin Spacey. Yes, yes. And my Eddie will always be K-Pax had never be Kevin Spacey.

He's always K-Pax. K-Pax is Kevin Sacey in real life. Yeah, K-Pax is like a fun nickname for Kevin. Yes, it is. Capex. K-Pax. What up, K-Pax? Hey, K-Pax.

I think it's Kevin's... Is that Kevin Spacey? That's going to be in a Shakespeare in the park in New York? Probably. I kind of want to go see it. Just to see how fucking weird he would be. Yeah.

I bet he'd be really weird. I bet he'd be like, I don't know. I bet he'd be a really good I go. He's King. Lear. Oh. That's who it. I think I kind of want to see that.

Yeah, I think so. He's free. He's very Shakespearean. Yeah. House of Carth is very Shakespeare. And he's weirdo and King Lear is a fucking weirdo. Yeah. I mean, he's not old enough to be King Lear, but I mean, who cares?

Who cares? Anyway. Well, Marcus, give me a job. No. No. No. Marcus, please. Oh.

Yeah. Planet of the Ape? Yeah. You'll be in the new one. You'll be in the new one. I can't do robots, but I can do you a monkey. I can do your monkey, baby, and I can do me a monkey. My name is Jackie Zabrowski.

My name is Molly Neffold. Hi, Marcus Parks. Monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey. Monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey. Put me in your movie. Put me in your movie. Monkey, monkey.