Page 7 - Episode 94: You Ain't In Love

Episode Date: May 10, 2015

Michael Chabon's wife reacts to her son playing the Kim Kardashian game in the most embarrassing way possible, Molly's got a crush on Idris Elba, and Peter Dinklage is a dirty dirty man. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

A ball and awful goddamn bridge. Who's gonna save me? Who's gonna save me? It's page seven. My name is Jackie Zabrowski. My name is Molly Napa. I just threw myself off of the bridge to get celebrity gossip. What have you got for us?

We know everything is in shambles. Everything is falling apart. The entire world is in the shitter. There's Ebola in New York City, but you know what? There's a New Yorker who's all pissed off. Not about Ebola. Not about Israel. Not about Russia.

He's pissed off at Kim Kardashian. Michael Chabon. I think I'm pronouncing that correctly. I think so. Chabin. Who knows? The author of the Amazing Adventures of Cavalier and Clay. Good book.

Wonder boys. You know, the Yiddish Policeman's Union. Wonderful, wonderful author. He is pissed off at Kim Kardashian because he says that his 11-year-old son was, quote, unquote, tricked into spending $120 on in-game purchases in two days on the Kim Kardashian video game. That kid knew exactly what he was doing. First of all, don't underestimate your son's intelligence.

Second of all, before you give your kid a smartphone, tell him, hey, when you get a free game and they ask you like, do you want to buy more shit that costs real life money? So don't do it. Yeah. And then if your kid does it, then you'd be like, hey, I'm taking your smartphone away

or whatever other punishment you want. Well, Chabon says that there was supposed to be a $20 cap per month on what his kid could spend on in-game purchases. Apparently you can do that in some sort of plan. That's a good idea. But he says that the Kardashian game bypass those controls, leading his son to, quote, get to, quote, cry hysterically. What?

Wait, why was he crying because he got in trouble with his dad? Exactly, yes. Well, that's his dad's fault for getting too many. I would be pissed the fuck off too. If Kim Kardashian hacked the $20 a month limit, good on Kim Kardashian, in my opinion. Oh, well, she didn't do it. Someone, she had some fucking slurb do it for her. Yeah, it says the Abe, when Abe is the name of the kid.

He named his son Abe. Abe Shabon. Yeah, in fucking 2014. What are you doing? I hate this old man name bullshit. Yeah, they're really bringing back the name from the 1800s. Yeah, yeah. And that's not.

good. It's not good for children because it makes kids say shit like, I thought I was smarter than this. Oh, God. Oh, it just echoes on what his father screamed out. Oh, okay, Michael Schabon, listen, or whatever, however your last name is pronounced, if your kid does that, you say, okay, now you know, don't buy shit and in-game purchases. It's a shame. You've done something bad, but, you know, daddy still loves you and it's fine. You're a fucking best-selling author. You can afford the 120 bucks this month. Just yell at your kid and then have it be over with. Don't shame him to the point that he cries.

He's obviously only crying because you're so mad. Well, see, I don't think it's Cheybon that is actually doing this. This is his son, yes, but it is his wife, Eulet Waldman, another novelist that went on a huge screed on Facebook and Twitter talking about all of this shit all day Sunday. I'll bet that they overshare about their poor. kids' life all the time. Yeah, and this kid has to fucking deal with that, man.

Like when he types his name in... Too novelist, yeah. This is going to be the first thing that comes up for his name on the internet forever. Until he does something else. Yeah, until he does. And that's his folks' fault. That is his parents' fault. Yeah, that is his

mom wanting attention. Yeah. And wanting to fucking talk about ooh, the fucking celebrity culture in the world. Oh my God, I have to decry it. It's a People, no. Oh, my God, that kid's going to feel so much guilt. Anytime he looks at a USA Today or not USA Today, Us Magazine, whatever.

Like, he's good. They're shaming him for something that all the kids are doing. Yeah. Settle down, guys. Publicly. Now, Molly, you say that you have been playing the Kim Kardashian game. Yeah, I may have a vested interest in this because I have been playing the Kim Kardashian game.

Can you tell us a little bit about it? It's great. I would definitely recommend it to anyone. I'm not making anyone Maybe not 11 year old boys with annoying parents But I am not making any in-game purchases Is my policy for any sort of free game I don't pay What do you do? You dress up?

Well, yeah, so I'm still on the E-list The goal is to make it up to the A list The E-list you have to even work your way up to the E-list So I'm not doing very well Because in order to make it to the A list you have to spend money on clothes, haircuts. So right now you're like a homeless person in Kim Kardashian's world. I'm friends with Kim.

She calls me sometimes. And you're on the E-list and she calls you sometimes? So you basically start off as like a boutique clothing worker and Kim Kardashian like sees you and says hi. And then you like basically just go around L.A. trying to make yourself famous. You do like headshot shoots and commercial shoots and it's super fun. You go on dates. You go on dates to, like, raise your profile.

You're trying to, like, keep up a Twitter profile the whole time. Oh, no, I have to play the game. It's really fun. Oh, no, I have to play the game. You get into Twitter fights with other, like, want to be celebrities. Yeah, people badmouth you and stuff. And I can't decide whether I should be exactly like I would normal life, which is if it's still, like, if somebody bad mouths me, I ignore it.

But I'm like, it's a game. I can be like, oh, no, I can throw shade back. You ugly. Yeah. You're supposed to. Yeah, I think that's how. I think you're supposed to show. I'm making like very sensible decisions.

I'm also wearing the same outfit every day, which you're not supposed to do. They're like, change your outfit. And I'm like, I love this outfit. Which is a story in my life. You're too headstrong for the game, Molly. You're never going to get famous. I know. I'm still on the e-list, but it is a lot of fun.

Have you gotten to the level yet where there's the nude photo shoot? Oh my God. No. Yeah. I mean, this is a game spoiler. But apparently there's a point in the game where you go to a photo shoot and once you get there the photographer is like oh

this is a nude photo shoot and you have to choose whether you want to do the nude photo show or not. Take it off. You take off your clothes. Yeah. And apparently if you don't do it you're done. What? Whoa. Fuck. Jesus.

It's just like real life. It's just like real life. Molly, take off your clothes. It really is a little bit like real life. If you're doing that weird ass social climbing through a connection to Kim Kardashian, you're going to come upon that situation. Well, so this is even more, it's even more important that I divorce my, like, moral, sensible self from the game where I'm like, I won't engage in Twitter nonsense in the

game. And I'm like, it's Kim Kardashian game. I should probably engage in some Twitter nonsense. You know, I'll have to decide what I'll do when I get to the nude photo shoot. But it is a, it's a very fun game. I definitely highly recommend it. Did you make your character look just like you? I tried, but there's not very many short haircuts for women. Yeah. you can choose your gender, which I don't even remember being offered. But you can choose your gender. My brother has an avatar. It looks just like him.

He's doing very well. Wait, your brother is playing the game as well? Yeah. And he's working his way up. He's like on the B list. Oh. Yeah. How I be like that? He spends a lot of time playing the game.

Oh, my God. Marcus, we have to play the game. I know. I keep meaning to fucking download it, but I just haven't gotten around to it. It's a lot of fun. It's free. I know. And so I have.

I have, now I have long hair, but I try to make short hair. Also, one of my other friends who's playing, you can give each other gifts. You can connect with your real life friends and give each other gifts. And my friend gave me a hoodie, which is so sweet because he knows I love hoodies. So now I've got a hoodie and some sexy, like, stilettos and some jeans. And I don't want to change out of the hoodie because I like it so much, but you have to change your clothes in order to prove that you're hot. Now, did your brother pay the in-game things to get to the be-list?

No, no, he's just been putting his time in. Ooh, okay, so we can believe. Yeah, the in-game purchases, that's for the inpatient. Mm-hmm. So he just really did put in the time. No, he's just working really hard. Yeah. It's like a tomogachi.

Yeah, yeah, he is. You know, really pay attention to it and hone it and just work on it. It is like a tamagachi. That's true. And his girlfriend is also playing, and she texted him recently. It was like, my in-game boyfriend just broke up with me. This is a disaster. So you can get boyfriends and girlfriends.

Oh, my God. Do you get to like fuck in a vibrator bed like in the Sims? Remember the vibrator bed? Oh, yeah. Oh my God, that vibrator bed had a lot of play in my fucking Sims household. Had a lot of play in my Sims household too and then I'd get a fucking boner. Oh yeah, man. Then I would take out the doors.

Yeah. So they would die in there. I don't remember that part of the Sims. They'd fucking and then they starved at that. Yeah, I wanted them to fuck until, yeah, because I had my Sim avatar and then I made my crush and we would fuck in the bed and then I would just keep making them fucking fucking fuck until they die to hunger

so it's like that is love that is what love is fuck until you die of hunger if you can't do that you ain't love me wait this is a

this is unrelated but can I just say really quickly that in terms of we talk about our Netflix shows on here sometimes I just started watching Luther because I love Idraselba more than life itself. He's Stringer Bell from The Wire. Okay.

He's so hot. We started watching Luther. It's on Netflix. I think it might be too scary for me. Yeah? He's a good show. I like it, but it's very scary. What's it about?

I've never even heard of it. It's about like a smart... I totally thought I'd love it because I love crime procedures, but it's like about... And Stringer Bell's really hot. He's so hot. And it's like a smart detective

who has like a dark side who solves like crazy homicides. But it's, it kind of kept me up last night because it's so disturbing. And he's British. He's British. Yeah, he has Idraselba is actually a British dude. That's great. Oh, I didn't know that. So hot.

Imagine how hot Stringer Bell is and then add an accent where he's like, this is John Lufa. Oh, he's like, well, that's not too hot, Molly, but I imagine he does it very well. I did want to talk. DCI John Lufa. I love it. on your new dot. That's not sexy. Hello.

Hello. That's why I thought I'd like it, but it's too scary. How do you feel about Chris Pratt, Molly? I only... He's in Guardians of the Galaxy. He would not be my type whatsoever, except that I do find him to be so charming in Parks and Rec. Parks and Rec, he's really hot.

He won me over. I have to say, I... Oh, man, I succumbed. I'm fucking succumbed. And I was on Facebook. and I saw someone be like, watch the transformation of Chris Pratt. I'm not into muscles. I'm not into that whole thing.

But then I also at the same time read an article because as, I don't know if you guys know, Chris Pratt is married to Anna Ferris, who is also really funny and very fucking awesome. I didn't know that. And I read an article that was like on her perspective of him. And she's like, yeah, he got like, you know, he lost a bunch of weight, got really ripped. And then he like gained a bunch of weight for a role and then lost it all again for Guardians of the Galaxy. and then it was just like, picture, picture, picture.

And whether he is big or whether he is Guardians of the Galaxy, good fucking Lord! I felt like I was 12 years old again. Really? I saw these pictures and I was just like, oh my God, oh no. Oh! Here I go. I could like feel my hormones make my face red.

Really? And I was like, I can't wait for Doug to get home because I have to release. I need a release because he's fucking hot as shit in Parks and Rec. And then he got a bunch of muscles and he's fucking saving the world to Garden of the Galaxy.

Yeah, because he's a little bit like he's a little bit topped around the edges. Which I love anyway. Yeah, he's very handsome in Parks and Rec. He's already hot. And then he became like leading men and Anna Ferris was like, because they have a son together.

And his name is Jack. And she was talking about how like how he looks up to him like a hero. And she's like, it's insane. because he looks like now, like for right now, looks like this insane hot model who was not who I fell in love with,

but I'm down. Like, I'm still, of course, into him, which is saying that, like, she loved him even more when he was bigger. And that, like, she's like, but watching him interact and, like, be the hero to my son makes me so attracted to him.

And I'm like, oh, God! It's like my uterus got set of fire and then got doused out with hot, sexy flame. and then all the fucking ashes are coming out of my pussy. Wow. Even talking to him, I'm like, oh, talking about him. So I get all...

Are you looking at pictures of him, Marcus? I found a, what's it? I'm going to have to pull it back up here. I think that every woman is attracted to him in some way. It's insane. These are transformation pictures, him in different roles. This is one of him all buffed up. This is one of him in parks.

racked a little doughy. But also so fucking... This is him with Vince Vaughn, total fat guy. He was a delivery man. Yeah. Full on fat guy. And then he lasted all again. Yeah, lost all again.

Can he share his workout program with us? How do you do such? Wait, can you go back? I want to look at his underwear again. Man, he's got... Yeah, that's good. He's got a good. Yeah.

That's good. How do you do it? I want to know how you do it. I don't know, man. He says it's easy. He just says it, like, I read something that's like, it's just more fun not to hair. It's like, yeah, it's true.

God, you're just the fucking best. And then there's a young picture of him where he's got like kind of plon bear. He's trying to be a surfer. Frosted tips. I haven't had a crush on it. Like, this is an insane crush on a celebrity for me.

That's me with Idraselba. There is, since, like, not since I was a sixth grader with Leonardo DiCaprio or Toby McGuire, that was a little bit older. Did I feel such enthusiasm? Heat. I like enthusiasm. Yes, my nether regions are in things.

That his picture. Idris Elba, man, that guy could read the dictionary and I would watch every... Yeah, dictionary. I'm all right. I'm all right. My fucking pussy Bible. Put it in my pussy Bible. All right.

It's time for blind. Oh, you can't see him. This A-list, mostly television actor from a very hit HBO show is married. But it hasn't stopped him from having sex with most of the porn star extras hired to appear in the show. Oh, no. Like, you know what show it is. Oh, true detective, baby. No.

No. What? Porn star extras? I mean, fucking think like. Oh, King of Thrones. But two detective could have been true as well. True detective definitely could have been true as well. There's definitely a lot of hot, sexy women in that show.

Oh, yeah. There's a lot of hot sexy women in that show. I was also thinking a boardwalk empire. could work because of all the naked ladies there. Very extremely hit, their biggest show. You know who it is. Just take it a guess. Just take a guess. It's, um, Peter Dinklage.

Yeah, Molly Go. Oh, man. Good for it. Because he's got it. Yeah. That guy's on fire. Anyone would fuck that man. That guy is on fire.

He's really, he's doing really well for himself, and I think it's great. And he's sexy. Yeah. Do you guys see that picture? It came out today of him with the mullet and the headband and the laser cannon? Yeah, it's pretty fucking awesome. He's looking pretty great. He's looking pretty sweet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll be good. It's a movie about like, yeah, he's like a video game player

and then the government asked him to like be in a video game or something. Yeah, it's great. It'll be a silly, dumb movie, but it looks like it's going to be a lot of fun. Yeah. Great. This world needs more silly dumb movies. I just really wish it was Jamie Lannister, though, because I would watch more sex scenes with him in it, not just rape scenes, but I'll watch that too. Yeah. I'll watch that too. I would watch more consensual sex scenes between Jamie Lannister. I don't know.

He's got that fake hand. It's like, do whatever you want. It's like, if the fake hand is touching me. And it's like, it's not like having it. You know what I mean? Then it's like, I'm just having sex with a tree. No. Or a golden tree.

A sword. It's like I'm having sex with a sword. Big sword. Yeah, big fucking prince sword. Next up, this B-Lis celebrity slash former actress slash former host is in a big hurry to get married, so she can stop making appearances to support herself.

She wants her soon-to-be husband to do that. Sherry Shepard. No, the other one. Jenny Macaulberg? Jenny-Ferney-McCarthy. One in Donnie Wahlberg to pick up all the bills. He'd be with Donnie Walbert? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. They're supposedly very much in love. Oh, my God. And also, it's like you're relying on Donnie Wahlberg to pay the fucking bills. Bitch, you fucking pull up your britches. Right. Also, Jenny McCarthy's not making. money just by being Jenny McCarthy?

I thought you just have money rolling in from that. She's not to want you anymore. I guess she just wants to do, be like, I guess they have to make the appearances. I don't think she has, like, residual money coming in. I think she has to go out and actually do shit to get that money. I hate her. She's worse. Yeah.

No really, no really new news as far as who's getting the spot on the view. No, no, no, no. Not at all. Nothing yet. I've been looking, man. I got nothing. Nothing yet. Put me on the show.

Yeah. I don't know why they're not calling you, Jackie I don't know why. It's like I got to wear tight a dress and have bigger breasts. Is that what you want? Is that what you want me to have a tight of waist? You want me to look like dolly pardon?

I'll look like dolly pardon if I have to. Oh, man. Sherry Shepherd's going to be in a Broadway version of Cinderella. Who is she playing? The evil stepmother. Yeah. All right.

Okay. All right. I don't see that. Yeah. But can she sing? Isn't that a musical? Oh, it looks like it's a musical, yeah. Interesting.

I didn't know she could sing. I didn't know either. I'll see it. I would totally see that. I mean, it's Rogers and Hammerstein Cinderella, so it's definitely going to be some singing. Yeah, I know one of the girls that fucking play Cinderella. Yeah?

Brandy. Oh, yeah. No. Her name is Leslie. She's got a, maybe I shouldn't talk shit about her. Really tiny hot bodies. You know, like, girls that are, like, dancer girls that have, like, really tiny hot bodies and long neck.

but her head looks like a cantaloupe. No, I know that girl. It doesn't fit the rest of her body. Very talented, though. Very talented, though. Very, very talented, yeah. But, ugh. Well, they're doing a kind of a

whiz type thing here. They're doing an all African-American production. You mean the Ms? When is the Miz going to happen? What happened to the MIS? Oh, my God. It's going to be great. I do support the MIS.

Wait until I have a million dollars. I'm gonna put it all myself. I support the miss, especially because Leibiz is so much about, like, class exploitation. Salonge will be epon. Don't worry about it. It will really fit so well. Oh, yeah, Solange could be eponine. That'll be good.

God, the whiz. I love that movie so much. The whiz is great. Yeah, it's a fantastic movie. He's on down. Ease on down. The road. Man, it made all the music even better.

Yeah. The music was fantastic, a little long, but still a great fucking movie. Michael Jackson was weird as a scarecrow. He was weird, but I thought he was fantastic. It was perfect for it, but still that voice, though, that the voice. It was in between the high point and, like, the normal point. He was still kind of a normal human being during the whiz. That was his, the end, I think.

But that's, you know, when he started hanging out with Diana Ross a lot. Yeah, and then he got the nose shop. He just got all kinds of shit. He just got crazy, but, you know, anytime you want to get fucking cheered up, go watch he's on down the road on YouTube. Hell yeah. And last stuff. up this former A-List singer

when he was in his 80s hair band before becoming a reality star, not only colors the remaining facial and head hair, but also his pubic hair. Gene Simmons? Yeah. Of course. Good work, Jack.

Of fucking course. I saw it like... Alternately, uh, Brett Michaels. Yeah. Either one of them. Yeah, yeah. They list both of them. Man. It's definitely Gene Simmons. It's definitely Gene Simmons. Kiss was on the rock and roll Hall of Fame, Hall of Fame, they got inducted. And all of them had the jedist black hair I've ever said.

I was like, oh my God, y'all look bad. Oh, yeah, I saw that ceremony when they were inducted. They looked so bad. They did. They looked old and a little bit rattled by all the booze. And they refused to perform. So they didn't even reform to, like, show themselves like, no, we still can do this. Yeah, no, they were just like, thank you.

We're going to go back and sit down. Yeah, it's like even fucking Kat Stevens performed. and he saw he was never going to perform his cat Stevens again and he still did it it was the last time it was never it was great yeah and I really enjoy it's on HBO go if anyone wants to watch it it's I highly recommend it yeah not the whole thing

some of it you fast forward but those the kiss guys they're old the whole Linda Ronstadt thing was a lot of fun too so they had like Bonnie Raite and Carrie Underwood and Cheryl Crow and they were all like together singing and Emilu Harris and Amy Lou Harris yeah and they all sang Linda Ronstat songs together That was pretty fucking awesome. Yeah, Gene Simmons is 64 years old.

And he looks like he's 95. Yeah, they look. I mean, on the one hand, during that Rock and Roll Hall of Fame thing, I was like, you guys are, you've been a rock band for 40 years and you look pretty good for that. On the other hand, you're not as young as you used to be. Also, you can't compare them to, like, the Rolling Stones that are still performing. They barely, like some of them, not all of them, but like at least they're still, every once in a while doing it, even though they all look really.

bad. They went through the fucking ringer and they are all what, 15 years older than the guys from Kiss? Mick Jagger is 71. Exactly. And they're still at least performing every once in a while. The guys from Kiss must only be like 60. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Gene Simmons 64. Yeah, fucking

yeah, because Kiss was around for a long time. 40 years was the Hall of Fame like that was their commemoration which is a long time. Yeah. That's a very long time. I'm not trying to shit on that. No, no. You know? It's rock and roll man. It is. And that's all we got time for today.

All right, man, we gotta fucking get out of here. Don't jump off a clip for celebrity gossip. Just listen to us. Page 7. My name is Chuck is Russi. My name is Molly Neffle. I'm Marcus Bar. I'm jumping anyway.