Page 7 - Holiday in Handcuffs

Episode Date: December 24, 2020

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Jackie Claus coming down. No, it's not. But also, Merry, Mary, Mary. We are here with a very special edition of page seven for you guys today. Yes, I am forcing Molly and Holden to watch Holiday in handcuffs with me. And we're going to talk over it. And it's on Hulu and is available on Hulu. So if you would like to watch it and listen to us talk over it,

You should totally do that with us because I think this might be one of the worst in a fun way Christmas movies I've ever seen in my life. Wow. I will also make the pledge because not everybody has Hulu and not everybody whatever, right? Everybody's whatever, right? I will make the pledge that even though I will be getting high probably during this, that I will also, though, definitely make sure that we make it as entertaining as possible so you don't have to watch long. if you don't want to. Completely agree. Because I, so when we first started talking about doing this,

we have to find a great movie that is, I watched this alone, and I was screaming at the television because I was so upset. Because let me just give you a quick rundown for you to decide whether or not, because I guess kidnapping trigger warning about a woman who forces a man that she doesn't know to spend the holiday with her

pretending to be her boyfriend and that is Mario Lopez and no one listens to him when he tries to explain to everyone that he doesn't know this woman. He's not her boyfriend and everyone laughs it off. And it is weirdly very upsetting. And this is from 2007, but I can't even believe, like, you forget how long ago 2007 was when it comes to the ideologies of what is all right. And absolutely different. era fundamentally. Fundamentally. It's insane. And especially the fact of like, you know, it's 2007,

13 years ago, but that was still back in the day when like men can't be sexually assaulted. Like, yeah. That's certainly not true. And that is part of this. Or it's hilarious. Or it's hilarious. Right.

And this movie is upsetting in many different ways. So please watch a lot. Love to watch a Christmas movie that needs a trigger warning to come with it. Yeah, perfect. Yeah, so here we go. I'll just do a countdown for all you listeners at home. Let's just jump right into it. Also, you might notice a lack of Jackie at the very tail end of the film because she will have to pop off because she need that therapy, yo.

She's got to be like, hold it fucking sucks. And then he handcuffed her to it. And it's going to be great. And yeah, you know, it's just a scheduling thing. So let's yell. You're going to do a countdown? We're going to count us in, Holden. All right.

Let's do it. Three, two, one. Start. We're looking at ABC Family Presents. Holiday and handcuffs. The title card just popped up. I'd like to describe a couple of things. It has been a Mario Lopez year, hasn't it?

It has been. Oh, it's Melissa Joan Hart also. Yes. Oh, you did not know. This is the true trifecta of bad Christmas movies. I don't know what I'm getting into here. You guys literally didn't even tell me which movie we were watching until I logged out to the call. No, that's why it's great.

Also, this movie just started immediately no, like, Christmas music, kind of montage of a town or anything. It is just late at night and she is ready to kidnap this man. But also, he has been walking for hours. and only went 1.8 miles. You know what? The man is a young man. I think he could have gone further than that. Yeah, bro.

I run three miles and a half an hour. And Mario Lopez is like jacked, bro. I don't know why I made that noise. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Wait, do these guys know each other? She's just picking up a stranger off the street. So we are in the middle of the story at this point. Ah, okay.

Don't worry. We'll go back to the beginning. Okay. So she has already had kidnapped. him. She's already stolen him, yeah. I'm just so afraid. I keep checking to make sure I'm recording because I'm so afraid of losing this recording because if I have to watch this movie again,

I'm going to burn down a mall. There's no way I wouldn't make you watch this again. There's no way. Like it's one of those, I'm just like, it's definitely recording, right? Because I can't. Okay. I can't do this again. Look at how many curtains are in her house. Oh, yeah.

I get kind of jealous that though. Like, we were watching Muppets Christmas last night, And I was like, damn, I kind of want one of those beds with the curtains around them. Yeah. Oh, yeah, like a four poster pad. I've always wanted one of those since seeing that movie. Yeah. And also this like 90s alt rock song, I love the long sweater underneath the short-sleeved shirt.

Molly, I know you did that as well. I was a double shirder. Now, is that because you're ashamed of your own body or because it was the look at the time? I think it was both. I in my Instagram story I was asking why were all my clothes so baggy in the 90s and a lot of people said all clothes were baggy the 90s but I heard from also a lot of other people with gender stuff that were like a lot of trans kids wore really baggy clothes because bodies make them uncomfortable. Uncomfortable completely. We don't give the 90s enough of a shout out for being so generous to us people who are deeply uncomfortable with our own bodies because now you know now you can't necessarily get away with that and man it was so nice just throw a flannel on you know. Yeah.

Until the early 2000s dropped and it was all baby teas and low-rise jeans. Yeah. I can't wear any of it. A nightmare, right? By the way, I am drinking a white claw. I am going to throw this out there. I've got a lot of, I know therapy is after this, but I've got a lot of issues with my mom. But this is not one of them.

The fact that she, so her family is very rich. And yes, that is George W. Bush from That's My Bush as the dad. Oh, wow. Remember, that's my book? I remember that I had to look it up because I was like, what is this man from? I love that. That's my much does not hold up, by the way, at all. I can't imagine it does.

In the same way that Holiday in handcuffs doesn't. I think nothing before like 2016 is going to hold up. Jackie, I'm going to say one of those things is perceived as good originally. And the other maybe not, never was ever actually considered a good thing. you are right but they need her to be well you don't understand she's the black liberal sheep

in this conservative family so it seems as if as in all ABC family slash Hallmark class Lifetime movies there is a lot of high stakes interpersonal holiday activities happening and she's expected to show up and be

presentable for them yes she is expected to show up oh my god so Oh, because she's in a, what is it called? A pent, not a penthouse. What are those called? Loft. Loft.

She's in a loft. That's why all the curtains. Wait, wait. And she's a filthy lib? Oh, yeah. A filthy lib with a big J-Lo hat on right now. A filthy lib, except when it comes to kidnapping men. Yeah.

Or believing men when they say that, you know, men can't be assaulted by women. Finally, we're getting the message out. Believe men. I mean, kind of. Yeah, it's true. That is the message. Sometimes.

God, that hat. That hat looks like it's eating her alive. Also, her name is Trudy Chandler, which I think is such a, what a fake name. You know I had this weird moment this morning. I woke up and I was like, every cast,

every name of the main cast of friends. Joey, Rachel. I like went through all of them and I couldn't remember Monica and it was making me fucking insane. I was like, what is the third one? What's her name? Courtney? What's the name?

I don't know. And I have no idea where it came from. But just in my head I went, Joey, Chandler. Like I woke up with this. It sounds like you woke up and you had the same. Look at this. Are you watching what's happening right now? Okay, so describe what is happening right now.

She's violating some boundaries. She's late for her interview. and her parents set her up on this interview so she could get a better job. And she's late so they just lower the shades on her face. And now she has to go back to her waitress job. I don't think Monica's a good... I don't think Monica's a good name for that character, by the way. You don't think so?

I disagree. She's totally a Monica. She's such a Monica, though. Sarah to me, something like that. You're just saying that because you couldn't remember her. her name. Look at the gun in the diner, though. Wow. I hope she doesn't blow her a... Oh, she's going to use

that gun. Why is there a gun in the diner? It's a bit of a Chekhov's diner we got going on here. Interesting. Very... A bigly racism. We're getting into the racism. Dude, we were silent for 0.2 seconds and some fucked up shit happened. Like, I love it. But he's Hindu.

But he's Hindu. So... Hindu people have never heard of Christmas. They don't understand it, and they would never put it in their diner. I wanted to look up, I mean, I don't want to get too boring here and snoring here, but I did want to look up, like, who around the world celebrates Christmas? Is Christmas not the most celebrated worldwide, like, holiday? I don't think that in the way that we do, no. No, maybe not the way that we do, but is it maybe, I wonder what the most, in other words,

I'm sure it's something I've never heard of. My dad already thinks I'm a lesbian. Well, is she? I mean, she's a liberal. Well, she's not in a marriage, so she must be. What makes her liberal? Like, is that, were you joking earlier? Or is she, like, super liberal all through this movie?

Like, what makes her liberal? It comes into play later on. Okay. Because they are all very, they are a very conservative family. And they don't respect her at all because she is, like, an artist. Man, that hair sucks. I guess that's the 90s. thing too, right? Well, she was trying to

permit herself and then... Oh, good, so it's purposely bad. Yeah, yeah. I don't care about hair and I just... Is this the love interest? Or wait, wait, no, I guess Mario Lopez is the love interest. This guy. This is the shitty boyfriend.

I see. How... I love... This is such a shitty thing. It's such a... It's such a... It's such a... dumb, bad movie trope of like, how bad can my bad day be that, that who walks into their girlfriends the middle of their workday to tell them like indifferently that they're just like

not going to go to him for Christmas? And this needy thing, it's not a turn on. This needy thing needy to meet my parents after we've been together for like a year or whatever it is. No, but they haven't even had sex yet. So she was like forcing him to go home for Christmas and pretending like, oh, we're going to like be together forever. But they really kind of just met again.

Red flag, red flag, red flag, right flag, okay, never mind. Wow. I just assumed they were backing this up with any kind of reasonable thought. No, oh no, she cray from the fucking start. Not that I believe in that horrible man, but... Uh-oh, here comes Mario Lopez. So where are we at with Mario Lopez? He's out of the Save by the Bell game for several years at this point.

When was this movie made? 2007. Was he the host of Extra by that point? Yeah, is he hosting yet? I think so. I think he was back. Okay, he returned. Yeah, so he kind of went away for a little bit, right? Just kind of counted his money for a little bit.

I think so. God, how great would that be to sit on that saved by the bell money? You're so young, you can do whatever you want? If you had infinite money right now, do you think you'd still be doing what you're doing right now? Or do you think you'd be doing something completely different? I think I'd be doing the same thing. Right? Yeah.

I kind of think so maybe too. But worse at it because I had too much money. Yeah, I'd be traveling a lot more in between. She seems to be having some sort of epiphany or an episode. Fatty eating his ice cream, fatty eating his ice cream. He's Hindu. She's having a meltdown. Also, Melissa Joan Hart is not a talented actress.

I'm sorry. She makes this one type of face in every single thing, this face that she's ever acted in, and I don't like it. Oh, no. Oh, she's a sad frump. She is. She is a sad frump. How can a man who's Hindu have reindeer antlers on? Bitch.

Have you been, you don't incorporate any guilty mother tactics yet, right, Molly? I think I'm learning a lot from this mother. Yeah. Oh, don't, don't. Just, why would you want to spend, like, I'm also glad that the idea of, toxic families could start to change, you know what I mean? About the holidays, but look at this. I love the toxic family and punch trunk love really nails.

Oh my God. Fucking hideously toxic family. Do you see this? I love it. Just right in the middle of the restaurant. Holding him hostage a gunpoint in the restaurant. With a old-timey musket, though. With a vintage musket.

I would definitely not be afraid of that gun. Like, that's not a real gun. If it is real, it probably doesn't even work anymore. It is, like, clearly a fucking old-timey musket. We're in the middle of a restaurant. Because anyone that is holding you at gunpoint in that Miss Piggy outfit. He slipped on the ice. Is he dead?

Why wouldn't you just be like, help? She had, like, in the restaurant. I don't understand. I don't know. People, he already has Stockholm syndrome, maybe. Well, he was there, you see. He was there to, I guess. get engaged to his current girlfriend.

Wow. How deep are we into this movie, by the way, time check here. We are exactly, I can even tell, we are 12 minutes in. I will say, at least they clip along the plot. They clip along. They get him handcuffed and tied up in that car real fast. Man. Yeah, so he is currently, if you are just listening to this, he's currently tied with a rope to

the door? Is the dumbest possible way to do that? I wish you y'all. I think it's with panty hose too. Yeah, with easily ripable, breakable panty. He like, right low pants is so strong. He literally can just go, and then start strangling her as he veered the car back and forth on the road.

How scary is this? Yeah, it's not okay. It's not okay. Wow. 2007. It wouldn't be kind of fun to do this in real life? Jesus.

And then she almost shoots his cock off. And it's like the soundtracks just goof them up. I also love to the hula theme that is happening inside of her car for some reason. And she's fun. She's quirky.

That's what corky people did in cars back in these 90s movies. noticed. Like, make their car look as idiotic as possible in the interior. Yeah. Lissy's resisting a little bit. She doesn't even know his name. But also such a drastic difference between the way Melissa Joanne Hart looks

in Dear Christmas versus this movie. Just age the way you got to age, girl. Did you see the insult? He just called her. You're one of those hairy lady man haters. Wow. Is what he just said. Did you not, you didn't catch that?

I missed it. Hairy lady man-haters. I would not go back to 2007 if you paid me now. No. No. Oh, seven seems so much so like in the future. I guess, oh man, that was right after I moved to New York. I was working at that awful day job.

We just doing terrible comedy shows. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. No, this was a different lifetime when it comes to what happened in my life, but. For you, you were still in college, right? Oh, yeah. Sucking and fucking.

Sucking and fucking. But also important to know, Chekhov's phone, he doesn't have his cell phone either. He was on the table. Molly, you were also in college? Why do I consider you to be older than me? Maybe it's just because you have kids

and you're back in school. I'm very mature. Very mature. But you're younger than me? I'm younger. I think you're John's age and I'm a year older than Jackie. And I would have thought if you were to be like, who's older, me or John, Molly?

I'd have been like, you're definitely the older sister. Yeah, people often think that I'm the older one, which is so funny to me. I get it a lot as well. Really? Really? I guess I just, because of how I got to know you, like you've always been Henry's younger sister to be. But do you realize how creepy this dude is where he's just like uggling her? Oh, he's trying to get that, get-get.

Was a pearl necklace a common accessory in... It's her Christmas outfit, Holden. Okay. Why was that guy at the gas station trying to kidnap her? He was trying to have sex with her, and then she essentially tells him, oh, no, I'm taking my boyfriend on a BDSM fuck weekend. Oh, that's why he's...

The love cuffs. Oh, wow. That's why he gives her... technically kind of woke for this movie. An old man giving a young woman sexy handcuffs. We're calling this woke. I guess. That's where I mean.

That's 2020? That's woke. For this movie? Yeah. Wow. I'm offended. Do you think people would, do you think people probably think generally like if they were to pair me up with you guys that I'm younger than you guys? because of how childish I act.

You want the real answer? I want the fake answer. No. No, you're very old and very wise. Everyone's always saying that. Actually, they're saying like, he must be 78. He looks great for 78. Look, I made this out of Lego.

That's cool. That's really cool. It's a Lego video game. Yeah, he's showing us his Lego things that he made out of Lego. It's a TV. It's an old-school. TV set with Super Mario Brothers and you can turn a crank and he moves through the level.

See, now it does feel like we're talking to a four-year-old because they have to show us the neat things that they've got. I've just never surprised to learn that men are however old they are because you can't base a man's age on how he acts. It's a crapshoot. Dude, the thing that

piss, I think I think about this a lot, actually. We can get back to how fucking dog shit this movie as in just a second but real talk for a second. Like, not to get all gross and say the words proud boys, but, like, one of their big things is, like, only babies play video games, and, like, that's not what a real man is.

And, like, real men, like, don't like fucking superheroes and shit like that. I'm just like, God, you've just lost all the joy in your life. Like, you're just so... Yeah, it's like, no, no, they're really into guns, Jackie. Guns are, like, so cool. You can do so much cool stuff of them, like, kill people. Like, it's just so...

There's so many other things you can smile about. And lifting weight. It's, like, getting as big as you can get. So you can fight. Antifa and like anyways I don't want to get to it But that was one of their big platforms It's like oh god guys like Like video games is just like pretend to be Superman all day

What a fucking you know you're just like a baby Like it's just like I'm not into video games But I also like don't condemn people for enjoy Like I can't play video because I'm anxiety Fun like my I never want to lose my sense of play Is all that is just all these guys are so Afraid of that they're not mad enough you know It's just all patriarchy is an absolute poison

It's so wild and it's just like I never want to to lose my sense of wonder and my sense of play. Don't worry. The sense of the proud boys are, it's loud in this film about what men should and should not be able and allowed to do. Oh, hell yeah. I mean, essentially, because the whole thing is that like, a woman can't kidnap. Yes, right.

But aren't you stronger than she is? Right. Yeah. Okay. So now she's at her home. cabin with her... Then immediately, that's my Bush says, I think it's too tight

in reference to her dress. So they are very conservative. Therapies after this. But my dad has never, ever looked at me and said a disparaging remark. I will throw that out there. I'm very lucky in the fact that he's ever been like, ugh. Like my dad is a firm, he's a lot of

things, but he's a firm believer that his daughter's the most beautiful person to have ever walked this earth. And I think that that is how daddy is. should react. Yeah, for sure. Not in like a creepy way.

It's not like he's like grabbing on me. Do we know that, ugh. Do we, did you have to take, none of us thought that. We all were very happy. We're living in a nice moment. I love my dad. And now I'm thinking about your dad

like fondling you and it's disgusting. But you know, there's the whole daddy's like controlling their daughter's sexuality thing. Yeah, that's what I meant in a way of like, no, he's not like that. It's more of just like he's proud of me. I think that's great, Jackie. Thank you.

Look, she's going to unlock the handcuffs. Oh, it's a handcuff key. I thought she was going to be. Yes. How does the, this is, I think what's more interesting to me than like anything else is the logistics of the writers. Like, how are they going to make this? Call 911. Your daughter has kidnapped me.

Is what should be the line of dialogue right now. How are they going to? No, but didn't you hear what she just said that like he does this fun, silly thing when we're in a new place where he pretends like I kidnapped him? So that's what the preface was just. This woman held me at gunpoint, kidnapped me and brought me to this house. Okay, so he is gonna, okay, I was at least like... And they laugh, because that's his thing.

If I told my mom that that was like Jeff's thing, she would immediately be like, but have you kidnapped him? But is he here against his will? Because if he is... That's like the weakest claimant. Yeah, exactly. I love movie logic people like this.

We're like, for the rest of the movie, they're just going to totally take her word for it that he was in no way kidnapped because she said one sentence to them at the very beginning. Yeah, and meanwhile, they don't even seem to have any respect for her. So why are they believe in her? Yeah, right?

This is the thing. Ugh. What was that? Was that a sexual? I don't know. I don't know why he does it. The dad definitely just Googled him. The dad just looked at him weird and went like,

and then ha ha just kidding but what was the joke that you were gonna so that's the scarier sexual assault moment in this movie that's why i think i said i said that about him and my father is because this guy's that's my bush kind of creepy why i wish they hadn't done this with her hair it's very distracting yeah i hate it it makes me so mad for some reason i don't really care about hair that much but there's just the way that it's curly and then also has these like weird things it's like Bush. Is it because that she's going to have a kind of she's all that ask makeover and he's going to fall in love with her even though she kidnapped him? Maybe. Maybe, maybe, maybe. But also the fact that they really covered their bases in this movie because everyone hands their phones over to the like phone mistress for Christmas.

If my mother asked me to give her my phone when I entered for Christmas, I'd be like, well, I guess I'm going to. I don't want for Christmas anymore. I need to be able to respond to work. What are you talking about? Just any kind of bullshit like that. And I think one of the big ones for me is getting guff for not like staying with different family members and getting a hotel instead. And no, I'm going to stay in a hotel.

Like I don't understand why that's a problem. Like, don't you want me at my best? You don't want me secretly pissed off of you because I can't get a break from you. You know what I mean? You want me at my. my best. And my best is with a full night's sleep and not waking up to craziness. And you know what I mean? And just like all of it. Like I need to just have two hours of quiet. You know what I mean? I am very proud of you because we are not allowed to stay in a hotel.

It depends on who, what family were visiting. Because sometimes I want to stay at the house because it's actually nicer than staying in a hotel. Like it's more accommodating than staying in a hotel. Like it's accommodating than staying in hotel, but depending on the situation, it's not. It's crazy because there's a lot of kids and stuff. And so it's like, we're going to stay in a, no, we're going to stay in hotel. We're right down the street. Stay in hotel. I can't be woken up at five in the morning again on, you know, Christmas Day.

Like, that's not happening. Doesn't, doesn't COVID make you miss it, though? How, Molly. Molly, where are your kids out with Christmas in terms of, like, do they know what's, Christmas yet at all? This morning, Hannah asked Freddie, what's Hanukkah? Because we've been celebrating Hanukkah every night.

And Freddie loves it. And she can like sing the prayers and stuff. But Freddie said, Hanukkah is Christmas. So I think that Christmas is somewhat all consuming. All jumbled together. Of course it would be if you've got multiple, you know, celebrations happening too. I totally get that.

I guess I meant more like no one's waking up at six in the morning. and like freaking out about presents yet. No, they don't, I mean, none of, this will be Freddie's first Christmas that she has any sort of like consciousness of it because she was only like one and a half last year. Right. And so now she like knows about Santa Claus, but we exist in such a bubble. If she was in school, I think she would know way more. Yes.

We're in such a bubble. She doesn't talk to anybody. So like we, you know, we, she sees Santa Claus like in pictures and books, but she doesn't, we haven't, I haven't like watched any Christmas movies or anything with her like Frosty or anything yet because she just only, she watches like Daniel Tiger, she's so young, but like, I think next year will be in the full, like, for sure. Sand leaves, cookies and milk and stuff, you know. Are you going to mandate, because I've seen it both ways, and I know my parents were definitely like, you have to stay, and I don't care if you're awake. You can't run down for

presents until like 7 a.m. or whatever time it was, right? Are you going to, like, are you going to mandate some shit like that? Because I've also seen it where it's just like when the kids wake up, we are up and we are opening presents. It is five in the morning, and we got maybe two hours asleep. I mean, my kids wake up at like 645, 7 anyway. So, um, yeah, but Christmas, bro, they're going to wake up earlier because they're excited about getting fucking presents, bra. Not this year. Probably next year. Yeah, I think that this year they won't, she, they're still somewhat ephemeral, especially, like, they're still, you know, Zelda doesn't, Zelda's just going to be like, you know, yay. Like she, you know, I think she's still piecing together like the day to day.

Freddie is starting to make the connections. But again, she doesn't have any... I'm trying to build some, like, excitement and Christmas cheer, but it's hard to do that in a literal, like, house with no one else, you know? Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just sing them songs at all times. Just be singing.

But it's cute because in New York City, like all my coworkers, they're, all of them grew up thinking that Santa came in through the fire escape, which I think is cute. Also, a bit of a Ghostbusters reference here? Or he's saying, be the key. The key master is the one that hides all the phones in the house. So he woke up in the middle of the night after Melissa Joan Hart forced them to sleep in the same bed, in the same room. And now he is trying to find a cell phone so he can call someone to come and get him.

Got it. Oh, and this is, are we now, are we now catching up to the beginning of the film? The beginning of the movie, yes. Why did they start like that? Yeah, why would they start here? It doesn't make any sense. It's way too early, it feels like, in the film for them to be catching back up with the opening scene. And also, why did they start with this?

Why did he just start walking? I know he couldn't find the keys to a car to drive anywhere. But like, how did she fight out? You woke out in the online, like, ah, you must have escaped. That man that I handcuffed to me earlier. Oh, did he escape again? It makes me think of cabin in the woods, you know? Or just like, maybe he's just trapped.

here forever. Yeah, this is a horror. She's like, you want some hot chocolate, and we're all just supposed to be like, you know. It's very scary. I would like them to remake Holiday in handcuffs as a

horror movie. I'd watch the fuck out of it. I'm excited for her transformation into a butterfly. Yeah. Yeah, she's gonna Mariah. I want to see her like really be her own.

You know what I mean? Really come into her own vibe. I want to Quentin Tarantino to remake this movie. Yeah, but look at her little butt. Oh, that could make any kidnapped fall in love. So it's all just centered around the fact that they live in a house that's kind of far away from everybody. Yeah, they rented a cabin.

And they don't have iPhones, they have flip phones. That does reduce the tech a little bit just enough to maybe make it possible. What were you guys doing in college that year? Slurping. Oh, my God. Slurping in every way you can imagine I slurped. I was slurping when this movie just came out. Consuming.

I was pretty slurpy, too. Just consuming a lot. Look at how smooth Mario Lopez is, though. Yeah, I'd definitely eat some, like, gravy biscuits off of his chin. Off his what? off his what where are you going to eat the grain of his chin off his chin that's nice I'd pour that orange juice on his pants slowly oh yeah on his khakis he doesn't have any other clothes and isn't that zany why did he give up trying to tell them that he's been kidnapped and now he's

just playing along because they have to have this like play ball time molly uh they're going to The chase of captivity is going to just make them hard for each other. I think it's zany and I think it's cute. She might smash his head in with a grinder. She's head with the fucking mallet. Oh my God. Isn't this so zany? Just very bizarre.

This what it's like it's the move. It's a holiday edition of misery. Yes. It's what I feel like. what it is. Yes. It's so crazy. God, I would love that too if she fucking smash his ankles with

the fuck. Oh, God. That scene, man. Oh, the cobbling scene. I love that he's just taking it in stride though. He's like, oh, this sucks. I guess I'm kidnapped. What a bugaboo. I have to wear these bad pants and be held at gunpoint.

Weird performance. Weird performance choices. What was that? He's going to start feeling compassion for her. The mom freak out, by the way, if you're listening to this, she just freaked out, just gave the weirdest reaction to what was it again? Extra virgin olive oil. She needed the extra virgin olive oil hold in.

How could I forget to... It was like Shakespeare in this moment. Her name's Gertrude. Yeah, Trudy is short for Gertrude. That's how you know they're conservatives. Right. I mean, he also just did yell out Reagan. about what he was doing.

Reaganomics because he was wearing a collared shirt. I wish more movies just that people yell out. Reaganomics. Reaganomics. In the service of character development. But isn't he cold? He's wearing a short-sleeved shirt. Don't worry.

They're putting the relaxer in her hair. Thank God. He's going to come back and he's going to see her and he's going to think she's hot and he's going to be like, wow, I'm glad she kidnapped me. I feel like I'm watching Jackie get to L.A. and have her like glow up moment. This is what it was. This is exactly how it happened.

And that's how I got Jeff. I'm not a slut. I handcuff Jeff to me. They did say I'm not a slut. I gave him no choice but to love me. I wonder how many women have wanted to kidnap me

for a rendezvous in the woods. Every single one of them. Every single one of them is like, this is the man. Again, what about Bob? They want to what about Bob you? But they don't talk about the dynamite that they're strapped to your body.

I am two thousand. 2003's most fuckable man in Florida. We know that. We, uh, on camper magazine, big camper magazine in Florida, Florida State. Ooh, God, I love how horny this old man. The gas station is acting out. It's just so weird. He's air fucking being like, oh, you're on the BDSM retreat with her.

Oh, yeah. It goes back to the gas station. That's a leather daddy. Can you really be an extra virgin? Um, also I'm sorry about that. I've been to that exact gas. and they don't have extra virgin olive. Definitely don't have it.

No. No. Maybe canola or maybe a vegetable? Like a corn oil maybe. No guilt. Right, son? Very upsetting. And so then the gas station clerk just thinks they all fuck each other, which mausel.

But what? It's just such a wee. It's all so upsetting. Who's that? Who's that? She's a funky grandma. Uh-huh. She's someone fan.

She's known. Oh, yeah. What's your name? Bluster Jones, I believe. Blustering Jones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's currently blustering throughout the movie. Why?

Another gun! He needs help. He needs help. A subtle indication of it being 2007 is just like guns are hilarious and everywhere. And useful for a plot development. Yeah, I do feel like that changed. Like in a romp, there's just not guns everywhere now, you know? No.

Did you guys ever legitimately want to be with this man or whatever? Mario Lopez? Mario, no, I was always a Zach Morris person myself. Weird. Well, that's, I don't know about that. And Jackie, no? Any? No, I never been into Mario Lopez.

Just because I'm also not into his schick. Like, his character's schick of like always working out and like being really slick has never been my type. of any sort. I will say I think he's cute in this movie. He looks cuter than he did with like his Slater Mullet, you know. Oh, yeah, like him when he's kidnapped. Molly, I never realized that that was what it was with the Saved by the Bell stuff.

And I just feel like Zach Morris is the opposite of bright eyes guy. I know. Yeah. I don't know. I think he was, I also liked screech, though. Like, not older screech, but like. I love it. Not porn screech.

screech. Yeah, yeah. I think that I identify, I think I wanted to be Zach Morris, but also wanted to kiss him. That makes sense. Sometimes you want to be someone and kiss him at the same time.

Yeah. Every day when I look in the mirror, baby. I'm not going to start kissing. I'll start kissing. And now the brother gives him some clothes to wear. It's a phone. He saw a phone. What is the casting with this brother too. This brother looks like he just got out of bed.

And he also, but in the same way with That's My Bush, it looks like they're also about to start fucking right now. Yeah. So in the last scene, Mario Lopez tried to take control of the car and the dad was just like, oh yeah, I know, relationship, women are hard, right? That's basically what, yeah. Yeah, none of them, it is a, like most Christmas movies, a problem with communicating and he just is just no one will listen to him but I need to that I'm starting to get to a point where I have to start memorizing people's numbers again because like in this situation how would I contact you guys right who would I call I don't I can only call my parents home yes same that's the only number I know only number I know do you have Jeff's number memorized no I should no I

I should. I'm going to look at Lexi's now. Look at this part. Talk about... I don't want to say... I mean, it's classism for sure, but it is this weird... Wow. There was like a racist made. I mean, a racist character. Wow.

It has everything. I can't believe I made you guys watch this with me. So he's calling... He's calling his Beyonce's... Say's house. I've been kidnapped. Yeah, yeah. I've been kidnapped.

I'm being really important to tell you. And that thing is what I'm about to say. And also she's talking about some sort of sorority benefits. So are they saying that these people are college-aged? Because no, you're not. I've been trying to figure out how old. all these people in Lifetime and Hallmark movies and are supposed to be like because it's all about

going home for Christmas and meeting are they supposed to be like 23? Because like that's the last time I had that relationship with going home like right like oh I'm going to go home and I'm going to make out with everyone from high school like that just kind of fades away as you get a little bit older you know. Yes 100% or also God I've had a I've had a especially

one Christmas where I came home I was like deeply and dead I was like unemployed all year Oh, so brutal. So he just told his girlfriend that he was on the phone, that he's on the phone with that he was going to propose to her. He seems to have successfully told her that he's when kidnapped, right? I guess, but she still doesn't really seem to care. And all she cares about is getting proposed to.

This movie is violence. She's dropped another phone in the toilet. How is she going to explain that to the dude? A brother-in-law, yeah. So weird. This is not how this works What's he gonna do? Why? Why would he be the book?

Yeah, why would he do that? But there you go. She just asked the question. Right, and then it's gonna, and then... So then it's also weird and fucked up that he how, now he's going to try and ruin her and it's weird because it's that cheeky. It's supposed to be...

Well, we got butts. There you go. It's all this, like, I don't... Such weird, backward... I don't know. He's trying to fuck the mom is what he should do. See, that would really put her out. But it seems like he's trying to fuck,

that's my bush. Which, again, Mazel, I would watch it. Sure. Jackie, I love your behavior of just calling characters by the name of the show that they have. I can't think of anything. The fact that it was... just it consumed my thoughts

while watching the movie and now I need everyone to know and remember that's my bush and I think it's because movie that literally no one will watch I think even the people who are going to listen to this are just going to listen to it and forego the actual watching experience

because it is actually a nightmare this is the weirdest I'm trying to watch it I'm like torn between the interesting conversation we're having in this movie if you put a Christmas movie like this in front of me.

I'll, I just get sucked in. I can't help it. I get it. She just said that we paid a little boy to be her friend and he gave us the money back. What's Bobo Blonkers? I would never see my family ever again if they treated me like this. Bobo Blonkers is her imaginary friend. Bobo Blonkers. Just speaks towards her own insanity. Did you guys have imaginary friends? I was a very lonely kid and I did not have imaginary friends. I played with action figures. Yeah. No, I just talked to my baby, and my baby's name was baby, and baby was my friend.

I had a blanket. I had a blanket. I'm disgusting. You're fine. Everything you do is great. Yeah, everything I do is perfect. Thanks. Oh, baby.

Wait, will I be a woman? Baby was adorable. My mom made me baby. But also then the acting of that she just threw a little hissy fit because she always gets to put the angel on the tree. and they have someone else to do it. How old is she supposed to be? Right. I also, like, I'm not in a touchy-feely family,

and just imagine, like, my dad being like, you want to go outside and throw the football around? I'd be like, ugh. I also hate non-game football games and movies. Like, there's no way, like, the way that looked, there's no way they were actually conceivably playing football together. Like, they're just sort of throwing a ball and running a circle. Running in a circle and like act

It's just it's like can we just try to make it like football I have a question about Melissa Joan Hart Because it seems to be that she's just cast as like She's like a hot famous person And I think we're supposed to see her as a famous person as a hot person Yet every role she's ever played Is it like a loser frump who nobody likes Right

Which I don't get because I personally think Melissa Jonah Hart Is very hot She is very hot she just has a weird like face she makes. It reminds me. She has weird face acting. It reminds me of my, that gripe I have about Kristen Bell in the good place where I'm just like,

I don't believe that you're this imperfect person. Yeah. Because you come off to me, have always come off to me as like one of the most perfect people. Yeah. And now you're in this role where you're like a disaster. And it's just like I don't see it. I don't believe it. And it's not that I don't think that hot women shouldn't be cast as like quirky

characters. Like they should like, you know, some very, very, very hot women are also very, very, very funny. Like, classically hot women are very funny. But I just, like, it's just weird that poor Melissa Join Hart is just like, yeah, I just get, I just get cast as like the hot loser everywhere, you know? Like, well, maybe she shouldn't be just staring off into space holding onto a ladder in a child's bedroom. Maybe that's why she's cast as a weird frump loner. Oh, her family likes A.C. Slater. than they like her. You get it.

Well, have you thought about being better? There's too much dimples for me. Oh, they're starting to like hate flirt with each other. Molly, don't you believe the circumference of the characters so far? I mean... We're at the halfway point. Holden, why do you keep looking to see how far and how much... I'm studying this from a...

Drama Turkey's perspective, I would like to know where we are in the framework of the structure of the show, of the film, compared to the time. Hold on, I can't believe you're talking through him reading the night before Christmas to all of these adults on this Christmas Eve. If there's one thing adults do at adults only Christmas is, it's read before Christmas, maybe other adults do that. I shouldn't rain on anyone's parade, but it's a little bit strange. I love that, that's so funny. This actually was brought up recently. with my band. My bassist was like, yeah, it's kind of nice

for getting a break from the normal Christmas because I think we're all starting to feel like we're maybe hanging onto certain traditions for too long. And I was like,

what do you mean? He was like, so everybody gets these special pajamas on Christmas Eve. We all have to change into them. And then my mom reads us like a poet, a Christmas poem. And we're all grown-ass adults

like all out of college. Like everyone's just in these jammies listed into this poem. I do think the pieme is fun. The part of it's just in this fun. of that I think is kind of fun of like there is part of like I imagine someday as a matriarch of me forcing my children to do things that they're still gonna do it but like this where she's like well they're putting out milk and cookies for Santa and then you just eat the cookie so I guess that's

like that's kind of cute yeah maybe I like it after it's like the Christmas jammies I think is cute it's just I feel like reading a children's book to no one is a little bit weird it's like Who is this for? I mean, yeah. But things really seem to be turning a corner for Mario Lopez and Melissa Joan Hart. Oh, yeah. Well, they're writing their own individual letters to Santa with their candy cane. I always, I think I had lots of, like, positive fun Christmas memories for my childhood,

but I think that the reason why I just love these movies is because I'm always like, I want to live in a world where people go this hard for this long at Christmas. Like, where everything in the house is candy cane themed, you know. Well, that was what was so mind-blowing about the article Jackieson about the Home Alone house. And you're like, oh, my God, I didn't even think about it. But like, everything in that house is red and green. Yeah. You know, which means that that house is largely red and green for most of the year because we're talking

wallpaper. We're talking things that can't just be changed overnight. All of it. The carpeting that was installed. Like, it's such a crazy idea. But it works for Home Alone because it. is a quintess at like the whole point of in home loans they wanted you to think about that house and think that is the ideal house I would want to spend Christmas in and I do feel that way

I totally feel that way I still like I watched home alone last weekend and I was like I don't even think that I'm like an active like fan of this movie and still I watch it and I just have like immediate childhood like identification with it like because we were the exact right age for it I looked exactly like McCulley Culkin and I was like this house you is Christmas. Like, this house represents Christmas, you know? Yeah. She loves Christmas.

Is what you guys don't understand. Oh, she used to be a figure skater? Yeah, but her competition got shut down. So then instead, for one day, her parents were proud of her when she's skated in the backyard. Why is he doing this? Yep. He's falling in love.

He's falling in. This is what it looks like, Molly. I know it's maybe been a while, Grinch Neffel, but I just think you could alarm your heart a little bit. It has been a while since I kidnapped my husband and he learned to love me over the course of two days. I will say Gideon sometimes does seem kidnapped. Well, that's just by the kids, though. If anyone's kidnapped, it's both of us and it's by our two children. I do like this vision of the cops of like, no, cops don't cop, it's Christmas Eve.

Nah. Will someone help me figure out what this actress is from, the girlfriend? Because she's definitely from some shit, right? She does have mean. She's got mean face. Maybe she's from Stay By the Bell too, honestly. This is another thing, too. It's white.

white coats at Christmas or in all of these movies where I'm like can you imagine I also I've never owned white pants for a reason right I can't imagine owning a white coat a special coat just for Christmas that is like the height of Christmas like when I really reach my shit I'm going to have like a special wool like you know fucking p coat shit just for Christmas you know I get it but did you see the amount of vodka that she put into that bloody Mary I think that she's my favorite I was going to look her up Is this Christmas in handcuffs? Holiday in handcuffs I don't know what Christmas in handcuffs I think that's the porn version of this Yeah

This is the porn version of this This is the porn version of this Holden you're missing it Somebody's bending over Is it the sister? It's her sister, yeah He won't wants to fuck her sister.

I hate those feet too. I don't like that. She's a dancer, Holden. Can't you tell? Don't you do this in front of your family when you want to stretch? Layla Elizada is her name. La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La And she was in Takin and Jane the Virgin and just so much a random ship.

Ooh, it's so jazzy. Look at the Christmas Cazibo. God. Oh. She keeps hurting her. And by the way, that would be one of those is go to the hospital for me. Yeah, dude. What do you do for fun?

Whoa. You know she doesn't actually paint. Oh, my God. He knows about art, too. Like, Cézanne. Wow. It's like she didn't actually know him, but he's really smart about art. Yeah, but he's also rich about rich man things,

but then he knows this one artist. That most people know. Everyone knows, but like, I am falling for him. The museum once, and you know that. Yeah. Run away. Like, this is a thing. You're opening up about your life, she,

ugh, they died in the car. His parents died. It's a lot like happiest season. And that's what they didn't use that in the log lines for happiest season, that it's like holiday in handcuffs. except the handcuffs are emotional and they are actual emotional abuse.

I think this is a lot like happiest season. Yeah, actually kind of weird that you mentioned that. Also, why does every story have to be about rich people in these holiday movies? Why can't we get a little dash of poverty? You get enough. Watch Muppets Christmas Carol.

Yeah, it's interesting, right. Because I feel like the classic Christmas story is about poverty, but... Yeah, but it's always these messes. massive beautiful houses and if anything it's people feeling uncomfortable in them but they're always there. You never just get like a normal ass working class situation. Look, Holden, it's chess.

You love chess. Oh my God. It's a metaphor. Look at her velour puffed sleeves. If anything speaks to the early 2000s, it's that. Oh, geez, just abuse on abuse on abuse in this situation. Why are you hitting yourself? No, they're flirting.

They love each other, Holden. So they're 13. I figured it out. They're 13 years old and someone allowed them to move to the big city early, I think is what's happening. I guess. But you're right. I think that honestly in a lot of these movies, they don't want you to think about the reality

of how many families can't afford any kind of Christmas for their children. So they're like, okay, well, and if they're all rich, then it's not about like the actual realities of how horrible this time of year and how horrible so many families feel because they can't afford all the bullshit that the screens tell you to buy. Right. But then they eat Orioles. Everything's fine. I have also noticed that many of these movies don't have any children in them.

They're just a bunch of adults doing Christmas together. Which is totally fine. It's just like an interesting choice to be like. What's weird is when they're doing all this kid shit though the whole time. That's the weird part. They're like doing all this weird child stuff. They're kissing. Also what is definitely weird.

I don't know about y'all. But in my family, a full-grown adult. No one kisses in front of each other. Especially didn't bring our partners home. We never had mistletoe in our house. Because what if I'm standing under it with my sister? It's like, I'm not going to, what it? It's not sexy.

The mistletoe is a weird one. I mean, when is it ever normal? Yeah, I've never been around mistletoe, I don't think. I think it's an office party to make things happen. But that's not cool. That's the worst. place for it. Yeah, that is the worst place. Like maybe a regular holiday. I was like remembering today like, oh yeah, there used to just be like holiday parties with like lots of different people you

would go to, you know, like last year. And so I guess mistletoe have, but I've never, I've never once ever had like a mistletoe holiday experience. It's only something I've read about, you know. Have you ever been at the college party where like one of the guys who lives in the, in the apartment, like trying to make some kind of a hookup room in his apartment, like some kind of fun orgy room kind of essentially, but like no one's taking the bait, so he's just got this weird vibe going on in his room with a bunch of like electronic music and like lighting and stuff. And like people kind of step in and like, what is this? And then they kind of walk out. None of that?

No, none of that. I never did that. Her mother is also confessing to her that your father's the only man that she's ever fucked while she is folding her father's underpants. And it is like, this is a difficult conversation. Like, I know for a fact my dad is not the only person my mom's ever fucked. I know that that is true. That's about it. That's most of what I know.

But I never asked my mom, but I would assume she slammed a couple of bones before. You should ask her on Christmas. I will, on Christmas. Over Zoom with the whole family. Yeah, I think that this is, I think this is what we should all. Do you. Can we jump into a breakout? Can we jump into a breakout room, mom?

I need to ask you about your previous sex. Can we just get a group? Look at our artwork. Wow. Looks bad. No, it's actually kind of cool. It's like oils or some shit. Whatever.

I hope that. Wow, she does art. Maybe I do want to marry her after all. Oh, my God. And I'm going to tell you, this movie is not just going to end with them liking each other. It's going to end up with them engaged. Yes. Well, everyone knows he does have an engagement ring in that jacket.

Woo! If you recall. Also, you know what's really weird is that it took me a long time in this movie to realize that those are her brother and sister. They are not in a relationship. Really? And sister. Oh, I had been assuming he was the brother-in-law. Interesting how, right?

It would make more sense in how they weirdly react with each other. But no, in such a big bag. What a waste. By the way, he said about a brush, that's pretty cool. A shower brush. She needs to confront her mother about the emotional abuse she's been suffering for years. I'm sorry, Molly. Are you speaking through this weird photo montage?

What is this? Why is the film suddenly turning into photographs? I don't know. By the way, terrible gift after terrible gift. Is that the joke of this? All of these gifts. They don't know each other, Holden. They don't know each other even though they're family.

Okay, so it is on purpose that these gifts suck ass. I mean, I don't think it is in the movie, yes. I think it is a waste of time and money in reality. They thought she was going to get the job that she fucked up the interview of. I feel like this would be such a painful film to be an actor in. You know what I mean? The scenes are just so whatever, like... That's my Bush's scolding daughter about growing up.

That's my Bush. You just sat down. and watched another grown man read you the night before Christmas in a room full of adults. So I think if someone needs to grow up right now, it might start with you. But at least they're all rich, Holden, and she's not rich, which means she doesn't have an opinion. Casey Slater feels such... He feels such sympathy for her and such a connection to her because he's like, wow, they don't support her at all. Oh, wow, she's still wearing brown.

That's probably also what he's thinking. A lot of brown. A lot of brown. Oh my God, they're raw and express. He gets art. Guys. And I bet he wants to do something else raw and expressive. You know what I mean?

They want somebody going to slam his dick. It's like, what fiancee? This is another thing with these movies where it's so quick to be like, was I in love? I know that she's like not the best, right? But still, just throwing it away. Already? He's doing it now?

Already? She's doing it now? How much time do you have, Holden? I want to check on my own screen. 30 minutes. What? 30 minutes. Unbelievable.

Whoa. Damn, dude. He's about a good. Wow. Some slam sessions, bro. They just had like an awkward cheek kiss and a hug afterwards. And they hug afterwards. Yeah, they have not made out.

Is he still fucking with her, though? Is this all still to fuck with her? I don't know. Wow, Jackie, do know. Don't pretend you don't know. Yeah, wait. as the dramaturgie of this film watching i will say structurally it feels a bit odd but yes that would make sense then if he's gonna switcheroo on her jacky when this pandemic is over and my children are old enough to fend for themselves i want to fly out to

LA and spend a week with you in December watching these movies every single day it's great all day stream the entire thing yeah won't stop we can only stop to like you know take quick showers for turn around like it like it could be like a fundraiser we'll just do like yeah like 70 no it has to be more than that like like i don't know a lot a marathon like that that would actually be pretty powerful whoa or are you just happy to see me yeah but also that's so depressed this is so depressing this is so depressing she's like sorry i kidnapped you um sorry you just proposed to me and then you're gonna like ruin my life by telling my family that this is a completely

a lie. Took him through Christmas because the next day is after Christmas and she doesn't need him anymore. Uh-huh. But aren't, her family is then going to find out. Whoa, interesting. Oh, don't worry. Brothers just drinking alone in the garage in the dark.

In the dark. Pitched in black dark. This is the most honest moment of the whole film. Yeah. Drinking a beer in the garage with a sibling is like, that's what Christmas is made of. Mm-hmm. I do miss that.

I miss getting secret drunk. Yeah. Through the holidays. I'm just going to get visibly, clearly drunk. Wow. He also lies to the parents. Lied. Is he gay?

I started seeing someone else. Is it going to be gay? Please be gay. Please be gay. His name is Ryan. I was so right. He was gay. Oh, yeah.

I knew it. It was 2007. That was a radical choice. Season comes around. Wow, so much happiest season. This might as well be like the prequel. And she's like, I knew, which BTW I don't think is the best practice for what to say when someone comes out to you. Right.

I totally knew. You think gayest piece of shit I did. Duh. Yeah, duh. Oh, for a second, I thought that was David Schwimmer and not Mario. It looked like David Schwimmer. Oh. Uh-oh.

Granny's on the move. Why is Granny on the move? What is happening in this sequence? Did Granny lose her mind? I think Granny's drunk and wants to leave. Wants to drive. Well, I come along for the ride, roast, but it's definitely the best one. It's pretty great.

Jesus. Ah. This is, isn't it Zadie how she's probably could definitely kill some of it? one. Yeah. This is the beginning of grandma got run over by a reindeer, you know? Yeah, did I miss a plot point? Like, is he for real, at this point, he's for real proposed or he doesn't want to leave,

right? Or am I wrong? No, I think he is still planning to leave, but he also likes her. Have they kissed? They kissed under the mistletoe. Yeah, not like a makeout or anything. Love to get proposed to someone without ever actually kissing him. Actually making out.

Dude, I think about all the time. How many countless people got married before fucking? I know. God, can you imagine? She's banging out somebody else. Yep. Always. This was happiest season two. Yes.

The very opening scene. So weird. Also, who does this weird Christmas-themed fetish nights? I don't think it's like, who wraps themselves up in a bow and, like, dresses like, sexy, Lady Santa. That's like, doesn't that happen in love? Isn't that like a love actually like thing that happens to like?

It's so weird. It's like no one does that. The whole association of Christmas with sexiness is a huge so weird. Now look at my abs. Nice chest. Also as I do like as someone who's very attracted to men, I can think of like maybe one to two times.

I've seen a man with his shirt off and been like speechless. Like it is such a thing. that is portrayed as like... Over and over again as a... Something that happens a lot. No. No. What?

What? I'll do that sometimes when Jeff gets out of their shower. You know, that makes him feel good. I should work that into my routine. Oh, yeah. Yeah, just be speechless every time you see Giddy. Be like, sorry, were you talking?

I was speechless. I will say he is very tight human beings. always has been he's very tight that's fun look those shoulder things

popular during that time that are like little armpit jackets yes I had so many shrugs but I was too fat for shrugs so then it just looked like I had jackets that were too small on fat guy in a little coat oh god

yeah totally I don't I think there is like one body type only that works with Struggs. Maybe I'm wrong. Come on. Just put on the skates, you dog. All right, so now she's at the gazebo.

She's going to put on her old skating skates. I can't believe Jackie's going to abandon us. This is unreal. I know. I can't believe, hold it. I have to finish this movie by her. Finish it. We're not going to say a word to each other too.

It's going to be the most awkward silence. It's because it's going to be the climax on the movie. then we're going to be in rapture. We're going to be absolutely blown away. Well, at this point, I feel like we've gotten the climax of the movie twice. So, because right here, I would say, is the second climax. The engagement was a climax. Jackie, it's going to be so jarring for you to go into therapy from this.

I've got, I don't, I have got a lot of things to say. He's got a finger-s tape. About how men are treated, about how women are treated, about how people are treated. I've got a lot of feelings about the holidays. she has ice skating to do though watch him fall in love who puts a gazebo in the middle of an ice skating rink by the way that is not happen

so obviously not her just ridiculous that's so not her it's so not her it's not even it's so not her that's I love how they slow it down and you can see that it's not her face in slow motion. A full-on different woman.

So funny, though. Oh, a feast. That's my bush. Well, there you go. He's gay. His son is gay. It's beautiful. I think it's wonderful.

Mario Lopez is gay. I'd watch it. Again, that's my bush and Mario Lopez. I'm in. Did the sister have any point, any reason to be in this movie? Just to be a hot, uh, distraction. Yeah, and she's a lawyer, so she's better than her sister. Is she gonna be gay too?

This is the same movie as, uh, happy season. Yeah, it is. It's the best thing. Kind of. Ugh. Okay, well, that was a dick move, sister. Yeah, that sucks. It's a Pilate Studio at LA.

Somebody translate that. I love his initial reaction. He just went, oh, oh. He kind of looks like my dad a little bit, which is freaking me out. And he will also say the way he's talking about California is definitely very similar to how you talk about California. Oh, yeah. Go to Turnando's. You can't get in unless you're barefoot.

But you can do handstands in the backyard for free drinks. You're just like that's my bush. Is he drunk? Dad's drunk? Think so? Wow. I would never go home again I also love like I feel like in movies when siblings

maybe other people siblings have like a hard time and then the other siblings are like mawop-bart like ha ha I love it adult siblings I just don't think it works like that no and no I immediately go to the defense of my siblings unless I'm also yelling at them like it's one or the other it's ever just like not my problem it's like no that's part of being siblings you're in each other's business so hard

This is like a terrible family dinner. No one's sitting there being like, ho, ho, ho. I don't compete with, I only have the one brother, but I don't compete with my brother on any level. Like, I don't look at it as a race. If my brother's doing poorly,

I'm doing poorly. Like, you know what I mean? Like, it's not cool. Yeah. I guess it's not all siblings feel that way, but. Uh, definitely not, Jackie. Whoa. I love my brother boss.

Ooh, you're the puppet master. I'm your little clown. Wow, the family's breaking down. I love it. See, the thing is, weirdly enough, again, this is what happiest season. Yes. This actually is the implosion of a toxic family. They have only annual birthday sex.

Annual birthday sex. Damn. Whoa, did you hear what the grandmothers just said? Aren't you glad you're gay? Remember that whole thing she said to you at the very beginning of all this? Yeah, like two days ago. And acts like I'm kidnapping him.

Whoa, confessions. Is he Nick like St. Nick? What's his last name? I don't know. Because definitely Nick, I think, is probably a Christmas thing. It is just, again, with the gun humor in 2007. Just a good old. gun standoff with the police.

Give me the gun, Grandma. You would immediately be arrested and thrown into jail. Wow. That's the extent of the character development for Grandma. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, we'll buy more shrugs. You really fucked this one, Melissa Joan Hart. So we're arrested and it's over.

All right. We could all stop. Everybody's arrested. They're all arrested. The whole family is arrested. And the same cell together. Great. Where are we at?

We've got 15 minutes left in this masterpiece. 15 minutes. Jesus Christ. There's a lot more character development that has to happen. We need some resolutions. I'm just sad that I'm not going to be able to see the end of this movie again. I can't believe this. Yeah, I assumed.

So he really did propose. Also, my understanding is that it's not actually up to the person. Like, in every TV thing, they're like, oh, they didn't press charges. The police would just be like, well, you kidnapped him. We will do the- We will press charges. Yeah.

Yeah, you're a danger to society. You've shown us this. It doesn't matter what he thinks. This is, you know, you should start a series with just watching any films that show anything about legal things with Gideon because he just gets so upset all the time. I bet. He actually, I saw a tweet of his, like, about one of those inconsistencies. About home alone.

He was like, this family would be prosecuted. She's making international phone calls admitting to crimes. No, my dad always did that, but with cop things, like cops. She was like, oh, it's a how goes. You're right. We should sit your dad and get him to watch. Oh, my God, please. We'll have them together.

We won't be able to watch anything ever again. Oh my God, it would be a podcast called Law and Order. Law and Order. I love it. There he is. So he really legitimately proposed to her. It wasn't a trick. Well, I think we're about to find out, Holden.

They're falling in love. I love their love. And I love love. I just want to say that. I want you both to know that. And this, I'll tell you what, I did learn a lesson watching this movie. That love and Christmas is real. Oh, holden.

That's right. What about There she is. So she gave the ring back. He was about to say something to her and then the bitch girlfriend showed up. Yeah, lady. First for my hair style right now. And then also I'd like to apologize for kids. I've got the bump it.

Is that what it's called Jackie? Oh, yeah. Oh, that bitch got bump it. you can feel the bumpet from here well this is my dip out point and oh my god all right interesting so we've got 12 minutes

just unbelievable Jackie to leave us in our time to leave you to this is like it's like the end it's like when the ghost of Christmas present leaves and just like well good luck with the ghost of Christmas yet to come because I got to get out of here Jackie, if you don't save your audio

and export this file, I would have murder you. Well, there was just a time jump and I feel like you're not paying attention. Love you guys. Have a good holiday. Bye. Bye. Hi, Jackie. Is it?

It is, okay, so here it is Valentine's Day. I'm guessing because she has a red arrow through her head. Ah, there was a time jump. Very jarring, too, to have a Christmas film that has a Valentine's Day scene in it. Very excited. Well, love that. actually is a extremely confusing movie because it takes place. No, maybe I'm wrong.

It takes place what? I guess it only takes place over the course of like five weeks, but then I just feel like love actually every time I watch it, I'm like, is this even set at Christmas? I think it, you know, runs the course of the year, but I haven't watched it this year, so I will come back to you with an update on that. So this is a really good example, too, of how eating in film scenes is very difficult to keep with continuity so they have to sort of okay she took a bite of the fry

there's a lot of like dancing around actually having a bite of anything so like she like put the patty on the burger and then she like touched the fries a little bit and then it got um oh in the newspaper she just saw their wedding announcement or maybe it was an engagement announcement

I want a deli burger right now Molly yeah seeing that scene I want like specifically a deli burger so today I had to go on a super long walk to return a cable modem and have you ever had to return a cable modem because they're always the app like the they're always in like the middle of industrial parks like miles from everything but there was like a great like old ass polish looking like dive bar and grill and I was like oh if there wasn't a pandemic I would go in there and love it in the two in the afternoon and I would just have a beer

and a weird burger you know that burger would be so good though yeah those places always serve it up man. Yeah. What was it called? Forget the name of it. So I'm just talking shit, but it was down in financial district. There was this bar I'd go most Fridays with my buddy and have a beer and a fucking assburger ever.

Wooden, like wooden seats, wooden benches. Yeah. Are they getting, they're about, this is his wedding day? No, this is somebody else's wedding day. Yeah, what's going on? Who is that woman in the wedding days? I don't know. This is why we need Jackie, because we just started talking about,

Jellybird. Yeah, now we've got to pick closer attention. No idea what's going on. I think she was the help, the racist character help. Oh, yeah, she was the evil. Why is she wearing a fucking whatever, dude? Just, what? He's trying to talk her.

Wow. Oh, he's trying to break up with her. The night before I would like say, it was like, you could be with like so many dudes. You could be with like 10 different dudes. Why, why me? Ugh. Berytail life. Man, that's not, that's not what's about.

Run, A. See, Slater. Run. We all get that. Made character. She's doing, and we're back in the art studio. She's doing her art. Beautiful.

Just do another time check here. Yep, we got eight minutes and four minutes. I guess it's a lot of time check. I would have guessed it was more than that. I know, right? I got 10, easy 10 minutes in pass. She's having cookies and milk. Is it Christmas Eve again?

Or does she also have cookies and milk on Valentine's Day? on any random day. Yeah, it's just Oreos. And just like a plate of like six Oreos. Dude, why they have to be throwing all this fucking food at us at the end? Like they know we would love to be eating right now. So she's still estranged from her parents. Gay brother has called her.

Ooh, she got a gallery show. She got accepted into a gallery. That's nice. Yeah, I like that her and her brother have developed a relationship over the course of the last 15 minutes of the film. The brother's likable and I just feel like the sister and the brother should have combined into one character. They should have been pulled in on each other. Agree. I feel like sometimes in movies there'll be a family of three when they're really,

like, there'll be three siblings just to have like two like wacky character types where you really only need one sibling relationship. Yeah. And that's, yeah, because the sister's like barely a character in this. Barely developed at all. She was just like a shrill bitch. Yeah. It looks fun.

Oh, hi Ryan. Very 2007 haircut, by the way. Bit boyish. Bit boyish, I will say. A bit of a Tiger King situation. Yeah, there's definitely a bit of a Tiger King situation. Although I think that that brother might just look weird. I think he might just look weird.

Molly, can I blow your mind for a second? Yeah. Tiger King came out this year. Oh, I know. Like, Tiger King came out this fun of year. So did Love is blind. So did love is blind. I know.

We've lived many lives. Wow, her parents are at the art opening. Oh, I forgot who they were. That's where I met with this movie. It's been four minutes since you last saw it. Since we saw them, I completely forgot they were in the movie. Also, they're still wearing Christmas colors for some reason, or at least dad is. Right.

Happiest season. Extremely happy a season. I think that this movie should sue happiest season. I know. There you go. I choose me. I have this conversation every year with my parents. We're excited to do it over Zoom this year.

Well, the parents have been in therapy, it looks like. I feel like the rapid personal growth of families through difficult times in Christmas movies is perhaps one of the least believable things of everything about this movie. Yeah, I mean, it's funny, though, because isn't that what the... We just did our episode on Muppet Christmas Carol. And isn't that kind of the trope of Christmas that... that overnight you can, I mean, is that the same thing with, it's a wonderful life, right? Yeah.

It's this concept that just overnight you can have this epiphany about your entire life or over one holiday. Yeah. And I guess that's related to like the coming of, like Jesus came and everything was okay. Right. Like, and then on Christmas, so then you figure something else, you figure something out about your life and then everything is okay after that. Right.

It's very bizarre, though. It's so true. And like, how rarely does that actually happen? I mean, I did have one crazy drama Christmas that actually did kind of change my whole family. Really? Which was interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bit of an impromptu, what you might call it, intervention.

You know, whatever. Just a Christmas Eve surprise intervention. Yeah. Wow. It was very interesting. Very cathartic Christmas. So I've been there, but yeah, normally, this is never the case. Normally, everybody gets together, everybody remembers why they hate each other.

and they continue the hate. They don't like learn anything or change. He got married today, or did he? Or did he? Also, I love that they're like, how's that boy you kidnapped? Right. She's like, I don't know.

I think he got married. I'm really torn up about the guy I kidnapped. And now he's going to magically have known that she had an art gallery opening is what I'm going to guess. And surprise her here? Yes, no, yes. Oh my God, he's going to kidnap her.

Absolutely terrifying. Wow. Not cute. Absolutely a terrifying traumatic experience getting wrapped, your face wrapped from behind. When you're in the dark when you're getting into your car. No, thank you. Meanwhile, they haven't even interacted for two. They literally interacted for two days and then went two months without interacting.

And now he's like, BTW. Here's your wedding. Yeah. So quirky. You're so quirky. There you go. Unorganized and pushing you crazy. You were correct with that assumption.

Mali. We're at the climax in the movie Holden. Yep. And we're both too wrapped to talk. Yes, I'm sorry. He looks like he's really going to

do something here. Oh, okay. Oh, he's going to give her a full art gallery for kidnapped again. Right, because he's a richy rich. For pointing a gun at his face. Isn't her family a richy rich? But I guess she doesn't want their money.

Yeah. Look at that. It's the place where you kidnapped me. That was her. Yeah. It's one of the mini crime scenes. Oh yeah, bring it Mario. I believe him. I believe this acting. Yeah, he's got little glimmers of tears in his eyes. He's got attempts at... You know, have you ever been...

Did you do any serious acting, Molly? Not really. Like once or twice in college, but nothing after that. I definitely never got to. I wonder if I will try to... do some of that someday. Dude, I was so alienated by my college acting teachers.

It really is crazy. Yeah. The effect a teacher can happen on you in a negative way. Yeah. I associate acting now with absolute

just embarrassment and degradation. Yeah. Like. Yeah, I imagine you and all of murder fist is kind of a reaction

to your acting your formal acting education. Yeah. 100%. It was just like, all right, then, fuck you.

And just, yeah, exactly exactly oh god i mean all right so this is the monologue whatever you love can make you happy you should kidnap people it'll all work out it'll be fine and pan out and now it is this movie is over by the and now this movie that over as quickly as it began honestly yeah god it did fly by and i'll give it that do any final thoughts we want to uh who speak towards i mean yeah definitely you know it's so funny though how this is like us jokingly watching a movie that's like wow look how fucking problematic this dated movie is and yet one of the biggest holiday movies of the year is the pretty much

bullet point without the kidnapping without the kidnapping but with miss a lot of lying and coercion i agree with emotional kidnapping yeah definitely lying and coercion 100 yeah yeah you're right they just they just made it gay yeah and and and put her in a position. I mean, there was no turning back. You're in the car. You're halfway there. It was like, you know, the same kind of thing.

It's like, well, it's happening against your will no matter what you do. And that's quirky. Wow. Well, fantastic. Thank you. Happy holidays to everybody who to listen. Jackie, I'm sure, would say something like, ah. I'm so mean.

Or whatever she said. Yeah. Happy holidays. Watch. If you're like me, you know, you'll enjoy the fuck out of this movie. And so I. you know, give it a watch. It is quite bad.

Don't literally do anything in this movie that happens, but it is fun. Watch it if you have so much extra time. So much time. You're mortified about it. Watch this movie and enjoy it. And watch it with somebody, because it's just not going to be the same

if you just watch it with like some dead eyes. You know what I mean? Don't like Pandi watch this. This isn't a Pandy watch. At least have someone to text. You know, you're going to want to have something on standby to text. while you watch it. I guess you have us. I guess you're watching with us. We're your buddies for this. You can always tag us and scream into the void and we will value you.

Thank you everybody and have a good one and happy holidays and we'll see you I guess in the fucking new year. Whatever. We'll figure it out. Have a good one everybody. Bye. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors, you can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to Last Podcast Network.com.