Page 7 - Murder, She Baked WATCHALONG!

Episode Date: May 14, 2026

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Everybody. I'm so excited. MJ is more excited than I think I've ever seen them. You're more excited that I was for Sagan on the Rain, which is a legitimately very good movie. Yes. But this I'm excited the most about because I have a feeling we're all going to be experiencing this for the first time together. Everyone except me. Although, again, we did.

Everyone except you. Yes. Well, I actually haven't seen the movie, and I have read the book probably three or four times, but that's fine. We did hear from a... You read this book three or four times, MJ? I reread them. I thought that I had completed her catalog. Wait, why do you reread them?

Because they are Xanax, Jackie. They are Xanax in book form. I started these books when I was pregnant, and I could not intoxicate myself in any other way. And so I see that? Oh, that makes a lot of sense. And then I revisited them during the pandemic when I needed to escape from the living hell that was, you know, everywhere around us. Reality, yes. And then, you know, and then a few years later, I realized, you know what, I'm still stressed out.

May as well reread them again. Read them again. So we're going to get to it. But yes, today we are indeed watching Murder She Baked. Murder She Baked. A chocolate chip cookie mystery. A chocolate. Thank you for saying the full title because I feel like this is a This Is Me dot, dot, dot now situation.

Because very important for all y'all out there. Now again, we're watching Murder She Baked, the Chocolate Chip Mystery. A Chocolate Dip Cookie Mystery. Excuse me, a chocolate chip cookie mystery. Because this is not to be confused with the many other Murder She Baked movies. This is the first one. Yes. So there are many movies and many, many, many books.

And we didn't even know. I've read all of the books, or at least I thought I had. And then until I had confessed this to Jackie and Adam, I didn't know there was movies, you guys. They are Hallmark movies. So this is a two-fer. We're getting a cozy mystery experience, which there are many of us, by the way. After I spoke about it on the show, I heard from many of us. I'm going to say it.

I think that it might have been the most emails we've ever received. about a random topic that we got into. I've never seen such an outcry of what's her name? Not Jessica Walters. What is her name? Hannah Swenson. Hannah Swenson. Okay.

She's a brassy, tall, Minnesotan lady from Lakey in Minnesota, and she owns a bakery called the cookie jar, and she solves mysteries, you guys. You're about to experience the most level of relaxation you've ever, as the world burns around you, this is what can bring you peace. This is it. This is all we've got. This is what's just murder she baked. Some people meditate. We watch Murder She Baked, a chocolate chip cookie mystery. This is the first, as Jackie said, in a series of many movies that are based on the books by Joanne Fluke. And I will try it. That's the end of my info dumping right now, but it's going to... We are here for your info dumping. And here's a thing.

If you are here to also, if you'd like to watch the movie, now, I'm... I think a lot of us, a lot of people listen to our podcast only. Right. We do have the podcast version of this. Let's say, you don't want to pay for even just getting the free trial for Hallmark Plus. You don't want to rent it on fooby. You don't want to.

Come on over to the page seven Patreon. That is patreon.com slash page seven podcast. And yes, we're out here doing the lords work where we are capturing murder she, baked in all of its glory and we're going to have it all available for you over on the Patreon so that you can listen and watch along if you got to see what this movie is, which I feel like we all do. We all do. We all do.

How do you make one of the most boring books that's ever been written into a movie? A boring movie. I'm sorry, we're not saying a boring movie. We're not. We're going to say. Suving. Anna Swenson, the brassy bitch from where, Wisco? Lake Aden, Minnesota. I don't even know if that's a real town. Oh, and maybe we'll find out in this. But I've got a feeling that this is going to change our lives.

I'm worried. I will say my husband is worried when I told him about all of these books. And he was like, are you going to start reading them? And I was like, we got a lot. of people out here that are reading these books, okay? And the last thing I'm going to say is that the book was written in the year 2000, and again, they are written by a woman, Joanne Fluke, she is, Jackie Looktrap, she is in her late 80s, I think she is, so she's been old for quite a long time. And they are, no fluke, though. They are, the books are like a fantasy of what a woman in her late 80s, like, wishes

her life was. And the movie was made in 2015. So I'm, will there be a textual mismatch there? Time will tell. Let's get going. Let's get going. Let's get into it. I can't wait anymore.

I can't wait another second. We've got to start it. And we are, and I guess if you like own it and you're watching it alongside us, I guess I'll do a three, two, one count. Like if you have to have this, which I, we're not here to judge. I will say, I'm sorry. MJ, I didn't buy the movie. I did just rent it. That's okay.

You're still learning to love it. And I can't speak for the movies, guys. I could only speak for the books, which are perfect. And we're going to see if the movie is as perfect as the books. All right. Well, then, I guess if you're watching it home and want to click start along with me, I'm going to give it a three, two, one start. We're going to start at the beginning of the word start.

Because I know you've got to make sure that you can get your own fingers all over, Hannah Swenson. Get all your weed ready, you guys. Oh, oh. Or get your drinks up. Get you like, you know, get, I think this is, we're having a cozy time, y'all. Get cozy. So gather around. We're going to go in three, two, one, start.

Okay. Hallmark Movies and Mysteries Presents. Murder She Baked, a chocolate chip cookie mystery. Cookie mystery. A Swenson production. Interesting. Whoa. Is that the name of her production company?

She named it a Swence. Oh, they're out. Oh, they're showing. the recipe book. Oh, yeah. Oh, we're showing the recipe book. You got to see where the balls come from. And again, the recipes in these books, you guys, they are foul. They are just, oh, this hallmark bitch. This bitch is in every Hallmark movie. Every Hallmark movie. Do you think she lives in the hallmark town, like in the town? Do you think she just stays there? Yeah. Yeah, she's just got a cot on a sound stage somewhere.

Yeah, she's real quirky. She's always making little jokes to herself. She does have a cat named Moisha. That's Moisha. Wow. Yeah. I like it because her voice, and I'm saying this is someone that shares this vocal quality, it sounds like she's been on a binge.

Like, it sounds like she's been drinking for days. And like they opened up her crypt and they're like, get ready to bake, bitch. she's drinking through this experience. And Jackie did point out immediately when we were doing a sound check that the audio quality, the production quality in general, low. It's poor.

It's very, in fact, I think that anyone that's listening along with the podcast, because at first I was like, oh, I should share the sound for the podcast. No. I think it's probably,

it's probably for the best. She knows everyone. It's a small little town. Oh, there's the sheriff's card. she's going to see Mike. Oh, so we know the sheriff. Obviously, she's a. Mike.

A baker slash detective. Yeah, not to be confused with Mike from Desperate Housewives, but he's similarly bland Mike. I imagine that they probably took a couple of pages out of Desperate Housewives book. Now, crucially, in the books, you guys, Joanne Fluke, the author is also always fat-shaming Hannah. Hannah is like a tall, like, slightly curvy woman.

This hot. Bitch? Yeah, she's always like, oh, Hanna hated the way she looked. Doesn't everybody- Oh, is that why they were like, oh, then get out for a run, bitch, because she just got back for a run. Yes. It's, again, it's written by a woman who comes from the generation where you're supposed to insult women's looks all the time. Gotcha. Oh, my God.

I can't believe I wasn't reading these when I worked at a bakery. Oh, my God. I forgot that you are Hannah Swenson, Jackie. Someone get me into your detective. How many bodies did you find in the cooler? Oh, God. Temeno now finally they were chopped up. Are you going to party?

We all know bakers don't party because we have to get up early. They have to get up very early. She's got a mother. Is this her mother? There's her mother. Wow, you called that fast. Because it's a very small town. Everyone's always up in each other's shit.

Oh, yeah. So that's Lisa. worker at the bakery is Lisa. This is mother, I assume. Oh, no, that's Betty. Oh, it's Betty. It's not mother. She works at the dairy. Oh. I was going to say her mother works at a antique shop, so. Oh, also an antique shop in town. Yeah. She owns the bakery and their mommy owns the, okay. And they're across the street from each other. It's so cute. That is very cute. I want to live in this world as the thing, you know. But it sounds like a lot of crimes happen. It's nonstop. dead bodies.

Oh, immediately fat shaming. Immediately. Immediately. Immediately. One can't hurt, right? Oh, I'm being bad. Yes. This is written by a generation of women who were taught to hate themselves, okay?

Wow. Oh, and they're talking about diets. Oh, I work in a bakery. Oh, that's hard. Ron. Oh. I did always love to try to see how upsetting I could make the chalkboard signs and get away with it.

That's good. That's a good bit. I worked on the chalkboard signs a lot. That's a good bit. Do we fuck this guy? Well, there's no Ron in the books. There's two men, Mike and Norman. Oh, there's no Ron.

So I'm wondering if they replaced Norman, the dentist, with this much hotter delivery man named Ron. Oh, he is standing very close for a delivery driver. He looks like he's, I think this is the new Norman. Oh, and they've known each other their whole lives. Okay. All right. Maybe he's a buddy.

Oh, is it though? Not the way he's looking at her. No, again, I cannot emphasize enough how there is zero fucking these books. Zero. There's not even kissing. Not even the Hallmark. No, you know they're going to bake in a Hallmark kiss to this. There's going to be a kiss in this movie.

Oh, the old bitties are there. See, MJ, this is going to be us someday. This is going to be. I look forward to being these old bitches. And they're all gossin. Yes. Oh, they're so. much gas. Whoa.

Yes, Hannah calls it the Lake Eden Gossip Network. How, wow, you do know these books. I live and read these books. That's so funny. And I'm so sorry, you were so embarrassed for so long. Now that we have

this bounty for us. Oh, it's a cute dog. It's a cute dog. This is really a lesson in why you shouldn't live alone with your shame. You should share it. Share the the shame because it might be a lot of other people. James. Yeah. One of these old bitches has to be her mother. I mean, how is Hannah Swenson sassily single? I know. Well, it's because all of the cookies go to her hips, Jackie, and I'm sorry, but that is what they say repeatedly in the books.

That's, oh, God, it's terrible. We need to, we got to flip this on its head. I mean, we got to take back our bodies, Hannah Swenson. We got to reclaim Hannah Swenson. This is pretty. Oh, does she have a bunch of stupid bitch friends? She's got a bunch of sisters. She's got two sisters. Oh. I wonder if this is one of her sisters. But yeah, a bunch of everyone goes to hand us all their problems.

She's not only the town baker and the town detective and body finder, but she's also like the town therapist, you know. I get it. I mean, like a bartender, it's the same. A sweet tender gets told a lot of things. You go cry into a sweet tender. Yeah. You go, I mean, as someone that's slug. bang pie for a long time.

Yeah, they'll tell you your secret. They're secrets. I totally forgot you. You have this perspective as a brassy woman who's worked in a bakery. Thank you. That banged her way through the client health. Thank you. Okay, yes, this is a sister.

The Romance Novels Club. Yes. Mother loves Regency romances. Okay, so this is one of the sisters. And they have dinner every Monday. This is the thing. It's a fantasy of what an old woman wants. They're always hanging out together.

Always. That's really sweet. Families always together. Mike. Okay, so now we're talking to the cop. This guy, we're Mike. I know, we're not, I don't think we're A-Cab here. I feel like this is, I guess we're pro-cap here.

Yeah, well, the thing is, the other guy, Norman, is so horrifically boring that you do find yourself rooting for Mike the detective because he's supposed to be a little bit more rugged. Oh. This guy's not right. It's crazy. He's like, you know, those stolen bikes were exactly where you thought they were today? Wouldn't you wonder if she were the criminal? She's got to be doing it. You got to be doing this. Oh, you're having visions? What are you moth, man?

Where's this coming from? Oh, or that Patricia Arquette show medium? Oh, my God, yes, I loved that show. But also, MJ. Uh-oh, it's the Red Hat Ladies Society. Yes, it's, this is the Roman. novel book club. See, and this is also why we have to take back what romance lovers means.

Yeah, yeah, because it ain't this no more. Yeah, no, you need to, this, your club would be a little bit raunchier than this, but it's cute that they're all wearing matching hats. Yeah, but again, that's the like the purple red hat brigade or whatever they're called. Yeah. And in my head, I don't think it's an MLM, but I feel like it, it's, it's a lot of, it's, Do you pay dues, you know? Is this her mother?

Yeah, her mother's always shit. Her mother's always like, you look like shit. This is like the third time they've shit on her boots. They're just regular duck boots. They're just, like, she lives in a cold weather town. They're just duck boots. They're signaling that she's a dumpy frump, Jackie. And she's not a frump at all.

She's literally just a woman. Dump frump. And look at, yeah, her mom is just a stone cold. A flower in her hair. Oh. Never going to get a man this way, Hannah Swenson. Oh, God. She didn't even put a...

Mother, I'm coming over to your house for dinner. I know. The only issue I have is that... I don't think anyone in Minnesota calls their mom, mother. Mother, yes. Exclusively calls her mom mother. But maybe it's because of the relationship they have, AJ. Maybe.

Oh. Is that the show? sheriff? He comes over for dinner every night. He eats everything in front of him, Jackie. He comes over for dinner every night? I mean, maybe not every night, but frequently. Oh, he's a doctor. Oh. Oh, this is Norman. This is the dentist. Wow, they made Norman hotter than Mike. That's an interesting choice. Is that what we're calling him? That? This? Norman's supposed to be like the nerd and Mike's supposed to be like the rugged, handsome one, and neither are these people are attractive. But this is the problem with a homework movie. No one is attractive.

Especially not to us. Like, I feel like, especially if you follow us watching Desperate Housewives, White Man C is so not my type. Like, I'm just not, unless like you got some, you know, Jua V that I don't know about. Like, yeah. Oh, Hannah has a master's degree. But now all she does is big. Exactly. She's a failure. Oh my God. So they do, they deem her a failure?

They're always dumping on Hannah Swenson, Jackie. Oh, this is why we have to champion her. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, and she loves dead bodies. Oh, wait, does her sister stup the sheriff? Or they just happen to be sitting next to each other. Is that Bill?

I'm sorry. There is a sheriff named Bill who is married to her sister. That must be Bill, not Mike. Okay, we haven't met Mike. I apologize. Okay. Okay. I was like, this guy can't be Mike. He's Bill. He's a different guy. Okay, he's Bill. That's why. Different cop. But it's okay. Again, I imagine, I'm gonna throw those out there. I bet he's gonna look just like Mike. Interchangeable. Or whatever that one is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And Mike is a cop and Bill as a sheriff. And I don't know what the difference between those two things are. No, not in regular life or in this.

Correct. Yeah. Oh my God. She even has a cat. Oh yeah. That's how you know. know she's going to be alone forever. Exactly. That's like the signal of what a like dump from she is. Yeah, except thank God she went on that run yesterday morning because if not, I was about to be like, uh, where are the pounds going, Hannah? And also the real Hannah Spencer would never have a cell phone, but this, I mean, she does, but she always always leaving it in her car and stuff, but this Hannah Swenson is a cell phone because it's 2015.

Okay. Yeah, it's different than the book, MJ. Not that? Oh, she only. has her cat to talk to, she has to be a detective. It does lend itself well to the Hallmark format because that's also about desperately lonely women. Yes.

So are you speaking about me? I will take it. I see running. Keep running away from those calories, girl, because they keep catching up with you. I feel like now I also want to be, I want to be pouring on the shame. You know, I take back what I said. I'm not here to champion her. I'm here to help all of them do this.

Yeah, yeah. No, you went in Lake Eden, you know, you got to act like everyone else. Just hate single women. And I do love that, especially in a Hallmark movie, if, in, like, unless you're the boss. Whoa. Ron's dead. Whoa, the delivery guy that stood too close. The cookies are there.

Okay, this is a thing. every time she finds a dead body, one of her baked goods is with the dead body every time. And again, no one in the town thinks that most likely it's Hannah Swenson committing the murder? That's why every book is called dessert mystery, because everybody's dead with her desserts. And no one has ever thought she does it. Is why? How is she not immediately? It's like, because she's the baker.

She can't be doing this. Yeah, she's a single woman, Jackie. They don't do anything. Oh, wow. Look at this cry face, though. How about this cry face? It is, you know, maybe I shouldn't say that because I'm a beautiful crier, you know, and maybe I just say that to myself because I cry almost every day. Well, you're also a beautiful actor, and I think that you're recognizing what is not acting, which is with this bitch.

Wow. Whoa. You don't think she's really upset. How do you, how does this bitch get in this many Hallmark movies with this? level of charisma, you know? I have to be in a Hallmark movie someday. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I need it. And I'm pretty sure with my career, they would never, ever allow me to.

But they, you should. Thank you. You could really revive the franchise. If you out there work for Hallmark, hit me up. Important. Bill just said that they, this is such a big mystery that they're going to call in a cop from Minneapolis, the big city. Okay. So that's, that's Entree, Mike.

Oh, how do we feel about a big city cop? Big city cop coming from big old Minneapolis. Oh, Hannah. And everybody again, we left our A-Cabs at the door. This has nothing to do with how we feel about police officers. We have to think like Hannah Swenson. We have to think like that Hannah Swenson, all right? And think about how desperate she is.

Don't bring an A-Cab to a hallmark party, okay? You're right. It's a mismatch. Oh, they're all pro-cab. I tell you. They are all, they love it. Woman. The killer could be a woman. Woman? No, obviously no one thinks that. Otherwise, they would think it was Hannah Swenson. Hannah Swenson, there's no way they wouldn't. She would at least be called in for questioning and not just by her brother-in-law, cop. Oh, and Hannah Swenson's got one of those faces just like I have where everybody wants to tell you their secrets. Everybody's telling her there are secrets. This woman is also really acting in an interesting way. It is, she is making choices. And the choices are just all over her.

What's nice about this is 2015 is before Hallmark became self-aware. You know, so this is the true Hallmark movie experience. This is good old fashion. There's no winking and there's no leaning in. This is just genuinely a terrible production. Oh, 2015, this is peak. Peak authentic hallmark. Yes.

Crap. garbage. Uh-oh. Hannah's in the dumpster, Jackie. What do you think about that? What is she? Susan. Hannah-so Zaney.

Anna-sozany. Uh-oh, lipstick. She's looking for evidence in the dumpster. Because I'm also not going to pull, I know that we talk about this lot. I'm not going to pull like a Gideon or my father to be like pretty sure it would be very suspicious if she was doing all these things, but we're not going to talk about this because she's a baker. There's no way a woman could be a killer. And we have to remember, oh, that guy is the hot guy? This is the hot guy from Minneapolis. You didn't notice him approaching.

Absolutely next. You didn't see him? No, I, you know why? I couldn't see him as any difference from the gloom behind him. I thought it was all gloom. This? Yeah. Yeah, he's... Hallmark. I mean, I got to remember, this is 2015's Hallmark. 15's Hallmark. The standards were low. But she's covered in trash.

How is he ever going to kiss her when this fat woman covered in trash is trying to talk to him? I hope the people who are watching at least look up what this woman looks like. Please look at all. Like, not at all. I'm obviously making the joke that I feel like like a desperate housewives where Hallmark got the update that people weren't quite fat-shaming to this extent. They didn't get that update till much later. Many years later, yeah. And so Hannah's always, will I won't I with Mike and Norman, the cop and the dentist. Oh, okay. Oh, but he's very sure of himself. I don't know, man. I think

I might, I might kiss this guy. Really? You're more into Mike than into, what's his name, Dolt? What's the other one? Norman. Norman. Yeah. Yeah, I'm team Mike. Okay. Yeah.

You know, I'm not proud, but... Whoa. Whoa. Do you think this is a black widow? Wait, so you know who killed Ron. Well, no, I don't remember. This is the great thing about the books. They're so boring that there's no way that you can possibly remember.

You could never possibly distinguish any of them from each. another. It's just sound, Jackie. It's just a sound going into my ears. But also, again, that's why we watch Hallmark movies. I mean, it's why I do go on and off of paying for Hallmark Plus because I refuse to pay for it every month. But every once in a while, I'm like, I can watch a bunch of stupid Hallmark movies in the background and I get it for the month and then I try to remember to cancel it. And we didn't even talk about what the dead body looked like when they found him. They didn't even try to make him look dead. You know, it's like there's... He looked like he was... Kind of asleep.

He looked like he could have been woken up if the car had been shaken just a little bit. There's never, and this is what makes it cozy is there's never any violence and there's never any sex. It's just like completely G-Rained. It's just, it just is. And she still has trash on her. You got trash on you, you dump frump. You dump from. You've covered trash.

This trash-ass big. A pathetic single woman who owns a business. Oh, and has a cat. Oh my God. Mays well buy a coffin now and buy a single plot. Oh, she tells everything to the cat. Yeah, yeah. Her cat is really her only companion. Oh, I don't like her cat voice. I don't like this. The cat's begging for help. The cat's also fat-shaming her and trying to get her a husband, just so she'll get out of the house.

Uh-oh Makeover Oh We gotta make her hot Because she's such a dump frump And everybody in this town knows it In fact everybody's holding back their puke And every scene she's in with people

Uh Who's this bitch? She is the lipstick witch And she knows every lipstick on a cup And that's why she has to go to her But also What if she gets a little bit of of a makeover watch.

Thank you, Jackie. I had missed that. She's going to be the lipstick decoder. Lipstick decoder. And she said my lipstick doesn't smudge. So it must mean she's an out-of-towner. You wouldn't call it classy? It's just pink, bitch.

This also is great because the mystery is written like a third grade class teaching young children how to write a mystery. You know, it's like, what if the lipstick was a certain color? And then you have to find out who has that color. You know, it's like very simple, very simple mystery building. Yeah, your heart rate never gets up. There's no, there's no wondering, there's no plot suspension.

It just is. Exactly, exactly. It's just, we're just going through the motions. Oh, good. Don't worry, though. They go to church every Sunday. Yes. Thank God for it.

Yes, they're Lutheran. It's, that. That's one accurate thing. They're in Northern Minnesota, of course, is Lutheran. Oh, they're Lutheran. Yeah, yeah. Minnesota full of Lutherans. Good people.

Good people. We like them. I love how much of a bitch they're making the mother, though. Wow. And they really, I will say the mother, though, looking good. She looks great. I get why she's fat shaming her daughter so much. And single shaming.

Look at this hair, Jackie. Look at Hannah's hair. Yeah, it looks like she used a bumpet. It does look like a bumpet. Uh-oh, she's wearing the whores lipstick. That must be the whore with the horse lipstick. Yep. Because even the woman at the beauty salon was like,

there's only one woman in this town that could get away with that shade. Oh, yeah, the town whore. And there she is, crying at church, just like a town whore would. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. She shows her the lipstick. Look at the lipstick. We're solving the mystery already?

I mean, Oh. Who's got the lipstick on? It's not the whores lipstick. No, this is the horse lipstick. She was just like, my husband's out of town. Don't ask me why I'm fucking wrong. And so she's banging the delivery driver.

Yeah. I think she's probably not the murderer, but she is the town slut. Yeah. Oh, I will stop bringing up desperate housewives. But there's just so many similarities, even though there's so many similarities, even though there's so many years difference between the two. You know what's amazing is that this is 10 years later and it feels like it's 30 years earlier. Earlier, yeah.

I love it. Hannah Swenson. Yeah. She was having an affair. Yeah, I think we established that in the previous scene where she was like, yeah. And then she asked, did you spend the night with Ron? Yes. You're not getting this, Hannah Swenson.

She was like, yeah, my husband was out of town and I was with him. She's like, did you sleep with him? Yeah, bitch. Yeah. what do you think we did, played Peanuckle all night? Oh, they were Gamblers Anonymous. Oh, wow.

And that's why she's got a horse lipstick on. It's the actual, it's addicts lipstick. I love to, not drinking, not drugs, like nothing that I'm going to say could be perceived as fun. I'm going to say it's, I'm the worst of all the addictions. Yeah, and that's gambling.

I guess at least maybe you might get money, but other than that. than that, I feel like, you know, gambling addictions, it's, it's an ugly addiction. It's the only, this came up in my class the other night. It's the only, like, non-chemical, like, it's the only, like, behavioral addiction, like, in the, in the, like, diagnostically, it's like the only thing that is not chemical that is considered an addiction because of your brain chemistry, because it alters your brain chemistry, but it's not a substance, yeah. Whoa, that's crazy. Isn't that interesting?

It is. I'm sorry. My face was not to your fact. My face was to this man. Norman. Yeah. Norman makes me want to puke for sure. Especially his church hair. I can't believe they cast this man as the love interest. Even though Norman is supposed to be the dork, like this is too much. Wait, the delivery driver went to go see the dentist? Yeah, of course. He got in a fight at the casino. You got sacked on the jaw.

Hannah Swenson, you were standing so close to him earlier. You didn't get any of this. You weren't getting a whiff of the night that Ron had. Yeah, Ron was really leading quite a life. Oh, yeah, she is asking you if you have an alibi. And yes, she is not the one that should be asking you that question. Well, she's an equal opportunity interrogator, Jackie. She does, she'll be honest.

She's like, you know, you're a suspect and I'm writing you in my notebook. Whoa. Is that what we're calling it? Whitening her mother's teeth, eh? Of course I believe you. Oh, Norman. Okay, that's, that's church language for, I want to put it in you. Gimme, give me, oh.

That's what, if Norman started talking like that, I might like him more. Yeah. Do you want to be team Norman, so I'll be team Mike. We'll make it interesting. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, but I also hope that Norman is also team skin suit because I'm getting a lot of George and I think that he's going to end up trying to wear Hannah Swenson's body like a suit.

So. I think that's just because he's another medical professional, Jackie. That's what it is. I think it's all, they're all the same. me, you know? Oh, hi Mike. Oh. Okay, I'm sorry.

Mike, Mike is much hotter than Norman, which tracks. I mean, yeah. Yeah. I'm not trying to thirst for this for Mike Kingston. We have to thirst for something. Got a thirst for someone, yeah. It's not going to be Hannah Swenson. No, and look at her bringing the baked goods to the church.

Always. Oh. Yep, all your dumps. her diving. A homeless guy. Oh, but she knows the homeless guy. She knows everybody. But he doesn't, because he's a big city detective.

He's from the big city. He doesn't know that Vincent's harmless. Oh, he said spoke to your boyfriend and she's like, oh, my what? Did you see my hips? Oh, I would never, obviously. She'd be my cat. Yeah. Oh, wow.

Oh, she's so quirky. She's standing on business. But in like a brassy, quirky way. I don't know if the detective would want anyone brassy. Oh, look at that cheating. Oh. Lots of drama for a small town. Oh, yeah.

I mean, small towns are the, you know, that's what we're pros at. Yeah. Oh, they change. Man, she can get any information out of anybody. That's everybody trusts her because she's not threatening because of her. Because she's a single woman and she's going to die alone. You're right. She shouldn't be respected either, honestly.

I'm sorry for how horrible they are to her. She is the protagonist of the body. Like an anti-hero like Walter White, but just because she's a single woman. I feel like it. I feel like. There's no need. There's just no need to be so mean. It's so funny.

I feel like I'd stop helping everybody in the town. If everywhere I went, people were like, Oh, wow. Wide loan coming through. You filthy woman, you're talking to be okay. Oh, she's talking to the boys. Talking to the high schoolers. What are you doing, Hannah Swenson?

Oh, it's the baseball. Expecting the baseball coach? Why would he murder Ron? Wow. He's serious. Get the fuck out of here, Hannah. How's your mother? She was talking to her mother on the phone earlier.

Oh, yeah. We're trying to get alibis. Oh, is she? Whoa. Hannah doesn't trust him. Not getting by Detective Swenson. I like that everywhere she brings cookies with her where she's like, I know you don't want to talk.

to me, but look at all these cookies. And that is true to the text. She always has cookies to get people. But also fascinating. So many cookies all day. Like, they eat like 25 cookies per day. I just feel like if people keep dying because of her baked goods, it probably would stop bringing them places.

No, no, no, she couldn't, she doesn't have any, no one's worried about Hannah. But she does. She's whiteboarding. She's whiteboarding. She does these monologues. So why would cook? Coach W. Kilron. I'm not paying enough attention to know. Yeah, you should. I mean, time for a visit to Mike, Hannah Swenson. But why did he lie about where he was, MJ?

Yeah, that's a bad sign. Ew, I'm sorry, I'm pro-Norman. Yeah. Oh, I asked your mother where I like to eat. Ooh, that's sexy. Oh, you asked my mother where I like to eat, and you chose this bench. Oh, how did you know? This bench. is exactly where I love to eat. This specific bench. And I won't eat anywhere else unless I'm sitting at this bench. Actually, she's a stupid fat freak that loves to eat on a bench.

Like, that's what I imagine her mother said to him. Oh, Hannah, she's always eating alone on a bench. Oh, that's just alone on a bench. If you sit with her, she'll just be so thrilled. She'll marry you right away. She's that lonely. I think that they are, I'm sorry. He was dropping information and I was too busy laughing and her to pay attention.

Oh, he's asking her to a party. Woodley's party. Take business cards in a small town. He's the only dentist, Hannah Swenson. He's definitely the only dentist. Ew, that's not even. your church hair, your hair always looks like that, Norman. I shouldn't have assigned you, Norman, because Norman's thing is that he is just,

he is down bad for Hannah Swenson. Like, he's not, he's got no game. I should support him, MJ. But is, I mean, it's not usually a huge turnout to just be like desperately following someone around hoping the guilty. I mean, she's desperate too. Yeah. You know?

Yeah. She's pretty desperate. because she's in that small town and her favorite place to go is a bench so I don't think she's got a lot of like dreams and aspirations here. Oh, she's going to the casino. She's trying to find the gamblers.

Whoa, but that is a big casino for a small town. Well, that's what we do. Again, I know I'm not from Lake Eaton, but it is, I also come from a casino small town. Really? Oh, yeah, it's the best. I love to go down to the boat. It's not a boat anymore, but it was a boat.

Oh, casino boat. It was go down to the city. the boat. Wow, you're, the king of the casino is anti-casino? Oh, she's lying to the casino man. Because Ron got into a fight with one of the bouncers. It is true that it's tricky that she can always like go and pretend to be someone who nobody knows in a town this size, but it is good though because again, I think they have white woman blindness and they're like, oh, it must be a different one. I thought I knew this bitch, but maybe I guess I was. Did it.

She is so forgettable that no one would ever suspect her. Yeah. And I will say, although the town seems to think differently, she doesn't even look different than anybody else. So, yeah, she looks exactly like her mother, by the way. Yeah. Both very attractive women. Yeah. Yes, beautiful, attractive women.

Oh, who's there? Mike. Oh. Always interfering in your investigation, Mike. Mike, don't you feel like maybe you're not doing a very good job? Mike's got no idea what's going on. Mike would never solve a mystery if it wasn't for Hannah Swenson. Never.

And does he ever say thank you? Sometimes in like a vaguely romantic way, he'll be like, oh, I guess we're a good team, you know. Oh, okay. Oh, okay, so Max is a lone shark. Okay. But she's still wearing those duck boots, MJ. It's like we can't even help her. Whoa, are you threatening us, Mike?

Well, I think there's also a lot of, like, concern from Mike. He's like, there's a lot of paternalism from both Mike and Norman. They're like, Hannah, you're just a little woman. Let us do it. Good. I like being treated that way. Yeah. I bet she does, too.

Yeah. I think that Joanne Fluk thinks it's nice, but I don't think it is nice. No, I imagine that Fluk wishes, like, just two, like, men that were in love with her would just come and protect her, like, as if she needs protecting. These books are a real glimpse into the interior of Joanne Fluk. She wants two men to be fighting over her, and she wants to have dinner with her mother every night. And who doesn't? I mean, especially in your 80s, like, you probably miss having dinner with her. your mother. You know what I mean? Like, I feel like, yeah, that is something to dream of. It's great.

Everyone gets together all the time. You put something in the slow cooker. You know, six hours later, you're eating slop. They haven't spent enough time on the recipes, you guys. The recipes are... Where are the recipes, MJ? I know. We need to talk about the slop that she's putting in the slow cooker. Now, so there are recipes that aren't just bakery. Like there's also... It'll be like, chicken Alfredo slow cook dump meal. And it'll be like put 10 cans of cream into a slow cooker, come back 10 hours later. Also,

Hannah, if people tell you secrets, you should probably keep them to yourself. No. Oh, and they're trying to get her into a slutier outfit. Yeah. Man, every single place she goes, they're just like, this, ugh,

but this, you know, just, anything else. And it's going to be a she's all that where they're like, oh, well, you're not so disgusting after all, are you? Look at her putting on. Oh, now she's putting on lipstick, but don't worry. It's an appropriate shade. Yeah, it's no skank lipstick.

No slant stick. Yeah. It's no skank lipstick. Oh, a little black dress. Oh, Hannah, you look nice. I'm so glad because it shows absolutely not. Because if it did, long sleeve and high neck. All completely covered.

The Woodley's party. Yeah, she's always catering every event too. But she's never busy. That's the other thing I love about it. That's how you know she's a boss-ass bitch, MJ. Like she's got the time because that's the thing, though. The person that owned the bakery that I used to work at, at one point she tried to sell me the bakery. And I said, nah.

Uh-huh. You know why? If you own a bakery like that, all you do is work. Yeah. All you do is work. Yeah. Yeah. She outsources all that to Lisa, her business partner.

But I guess she has all that extra money because she's certainly not spending it on clothes or diet books. So. Or boots. Or boots. Oh, my God. And he keeps thinking I have a boyfriend, but I'm so alone. Okay. She's chatting with sister again.

Oh my gosh. God, the blondeness, really. Oh, he wears a wedding ring. He lost his wife last year. Yes, Mike's wife is dead. Wow. Oh, I'm sorry. Your wife is dead.

Sorry, Tobias Fukei reference. My. The wife is dead. Yes, Mike is a love one. I've been so mean to him. I've been so mean to him. I shouldn't have been his wife. His wife is dead.

I was being mean to him because I thought he had a wedding ring on, so I thought, okay, you're in the category of not being able to kiss. Yeah. Yeah, but it turns out he's just a slightly more complicated man than we all thought. I like this as she's staring at this Marshall's ass painting like it's a Rothko. Like, I feel like it is. She's straightened it. Hannah Swenson, who do you think you are?

You're not like the other girls. It's a Maxinista painting. all these parties too no real food only murderers cookies i think she should be calling them murderers cookies oh yeah again they eat so so many cookies who are you who's that what is going on with benton benton benton woodley rich guy oh thank you see what would we do without you mj Benton. Now, why does she stup him? Well, have you seen him? Not to be a bitch, but... I mean, I felt that why you burned all over.

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry, with people this rich just don't exist in northern Minnesota. I don't think. I mean, certainly in my part of the Midwest, there's just no one is this rich. Like there are there are like there's not even like the richer part of town There's the richer part of town But those are like you know Stupid McMansions and stuff They're not like they're not like This you know

They're not like the 1% Like they just don't live in the Midwest Like that they don't live in like the rural Midwest I do love that she could be like Yo how are you feeling that that dude you had a one night stand with Is dead yeah You know how about we unpack that Yeah how you doing

town slot about your dead. Yeah, I thought there already was a casino in town, but then she moved in. She got slots open for it. So I don't remember who did it, but my prediction is it's Benton Woodley, the Weasley Rich man we just met because he was so unpleasant. God, she is the only one that could pull off that shade. I like it as if it's not just a shade. of pink.

Yeah, no, it is a symbol. It's like this woman is not trustworthy. It's like black lipstick or purple lips. Like something that would be too different. It's just that it's a little hot pink. It's just a little bit of a hot pink lipstick.

Oh, no. Only cookies at the party. She gave up on the diet. Tri-State Buttermakers Convention, Wisconsin. Yes. This actor is just, they're just like, put more cookies in your mouth.

while you talk. And they're just like, you're shoving them in there. You're not on a diet anymore, bitch. You make sure everybody knows it. We need your mouth. Shove them in. Shove them in. Every line, I want cookies actively falling out of your mouth.

Oh, Max's other business. Now just imagine that every 10 minutes throughout this whole experience, the whole book plot stops and you just have somebody reading to you. Mix one cup of flour with one cup of sugar, cream them together,

and that is the experience of reading the book. After every chapter, there is a recipe read out loud to you. That would drive, as someone that it listens to audiobooks, that would drive me mad. No, Jackie, you're going to love it. You're going to, you don't need any zanis after this, you know? Really? That's it. This is, all right.

I'm going to have to try this. Next time I'm spiraling, just like, murder she begged. Murder she begged. Get me by the she be. Tell me a recipe that involves a lot of cool whip. Where's Mike? Where's Norman? Yeah, Bill is a pretty absent husband.

But it's because he's the sheriff. He's got to do a lot of things. And there's always a lot of accidents on the interstate, which I think is unfortunately probably pretty realistic. Yeah, I imagine people are driving pretty fast, and I would also assume a lot of them probably pretty drunk. Yeah, I think that's right. Not as much as in Wisconsin.

Wisconsin is like the drunk driving capital of the world. Yeah, man. They really think that they can do it. And you can get like 10. I'm making this up, but it's like a high number of DUIs in Wisconsin before they take your license away. That's crazy. It's bad, yeah. Maybe they fixed it by now.

I haven't checked it in a while. I haven't looked in a second. Real problem for a while. Fake concern. Fake concern. I really wanted to plow you later. He went to the party. This business.

dentist. She's all about business, too. I love that she's like, because it's not a date, because you're here for business. Yeah, it's because she doesn't want to fuck Norman. She just doesn't. Yeah, I know. I could see. I can see why.

He's the dentist, you know? Ew. Ew. Don't zoom in on his mess. Yeah. I don't want to eat her like a cookie. He wants to eat her like a good thing. and then he's going to die.

It is amazing how you can have an entire industry of movies made with people who just don't look like they should be on camera, you know? I say God bless it. I mean, I feel like everybody's looking the same. So honestly, thank God for the hallmarks. We should have uglier people and things. Forgettable people. Rise up. Yes.

I mean, technically, I've been out here screaming for more. more like unique faces. Like I'm asking for more like Walton Goggins. I want, you know, I want more Steve Wuchemies out there. Right. Oh my gosh. Oh good. They're breaking and entering. Sisters. They can't get in trouble for breaking and entering. Not when they're together. They're just sisters. Whoa. She is making her sister do some detective work with her. It's a family affair. man, I can't even imagine. You imagine me going to Henry being like,

Henry, there's a mystery we've got to solve. Like, you just be like, and? Who gives up? Have fun, Jackie. And I'm like, have a cookie. And I shove cookies in his mouth. Yeah. I like all the,

like the horror, quote-unquote sounds they keep playing. Yeah, yeah, you got to raise the stakes somehow because it's not going to be with the plot or the character development. It would be awesome if the murderer like took Hannah Swenson, you know? Yeah. Yeah. I had happy because at first when you were talking to me about the crimes, I was worried that the crimes were just going to be like, oh, the cookies have gone missing.

Like, I didn't know it was going to be murders. Yeah, no, they're all murders. Yeah, she gets herself into a couple of jams, you know. There's some stakes that happen. And she has to get rescued. I mean, this isn't looking great. Yeah. Oh, she's got to get rescued by the men.

By always. Oh, because she can't do it on her own. Always, always. Yes, she'd need a man. No wonder she's barely existing so far, not as if she's a technically very successful business woman. Yeah, no, you can't just be a single woman with a business, Jackie. You need a man to come save you from a murderer. every couple of weeks.

Yeah, obviously, why do you think I got married? Yeah. Whoa. Corpse in the hay. Corpsps in the hay. Corpse in the hay. Oh, my God. Uh-oh.

Someone's pulling up. Whoa, commercial break. Oh, commercial break. Wow, that was abrupt. Oh, Bill. It's just Bill. Oh, men, thank God, men are here. Bill and Mike.

Thank God for Bill and Mike. Lone shark. The lone shark is dead. Good question, Mike. I like as a detective, what is it with you and dead bodies rather than looking into her, having any guy's suspicion? Just like a quirky, oh, isn't that crazy? It's just her, it's one of the many quirky things about her boots. Her penchant for finding dead bodies.

Oh, thank God a man is here to scold them, though. What is this accent? Yeah, it's not Minnesotan. Oh, God, she's got to talk to her cat like it's a therapist because she doesn't have anybody to talk to. Hannah spiraling. But don't worry, it just sounds like she's crying, but she's not. Yeah, I can. The acting.

And I'm sorry to make fun of their looks so much. If they were charismatic people, it would be fine. But they are bad actors who are boring. Yeah. But you also can't, like, this movie is not trying to win any awards, you know? Yeah. No, you're right. They got, you could only do so much with the text.

I'm going to throw it out there, too. If I found another dead body and know it. that the murderer is out there, I'd probably stay at my sisters. Like, I'd probably stay somewhere else. She does sometimes. Sometimes she'll stay in her mother's drag mother into it. She slept in the chair. I like that all she had to protect herself was an umbrella, as if you're a baker.

I bet she got a couple knives in there. I bet you have at least a couple of knives. It makes me think of, and it's not Mrs. Featherbottom, but it makes me think of the imaginary friend and desperate housewives. Yes. Mrs. Oh, I forget her name. It's like Mrs. Featherbuth. Twinkle tipsies.

Oh, there you go. She got her rolling pen. Good job, Hannah Smith said. Her mother looks great. Oh, my God, your panty hose are still on. If you are in a small town, you better only have panty hose on because it's freezing. That should be the only reason why, right?

It's weird because this woman, I feel like I feel like her voice doesn't match her body. Is that crazy? Like her mother? It's something's weird going on with her mother for sure. Yeah, I'm with you, Jackie. I feel like the mother needs to be... You're going to scare away all the eligible men if you keep finding dead bodies.

That's good. That's so funny. All right, I take it back. I was going to say the mother needs to be like a little bit like older and nastier, but I'm wrong. She's perfect. Yeah. Everybody hates you. Always undercutting Hannah's confidence at every turn.

Oh, look at her now. She's saying something nice because she knows she's pushed her daughter to the edge of her rope. Yeah, after she made her cry, she'll say something nice. Aw, and ain't that like a boomer parent. Just get to it. Don't think about it. Don't ask for help. Just keep working.

Get back in the kitchen, bitch. We spent some money on music. Did we hallmark? I mean, there. There was a song earlier, too. Wow. Look at that. See, now this is where the opportunity for a recipe would be.

Yes, please tell us. Do you keep finding dead bodies? Make a pie. Pour two ounces of whipped cream into a bowl. Oh, my God. And she's just driving around listening to tapes on how to find a partner girl. She listened to self-health books. A life with her book.

It's only half a life. Jesus. You go to Norman? Oh, you go to Mike? For your wife being dead. Dead wife. That's crazy because your food killed somebody. And I don't think he'd take it.

And you found two dead bodies in the last week. No, Mike loves to eat in the books. He's always eaten everything. He wouldn't be like that's too much. He's going to eat it all. Oh. Ew. Oh.

No. You expect me to eat this all along? I'm team Mike. If I have to pick one person in this cast who I'm kissing, it's Mike. I think I choose the sister. I feel like I have to choose somebody. Or maybe the mother. Yeah.

Yeah, that's fun. Oh, my God. Is she going to the bench? Did she go to her eating bench? Oh, she's, look at her sharing her eating bench with another man. After Norman? That's, she's always, she is, and I'm sorry to slut shame Hannah, but she is giving incredibly constant mixed signals to both Mike and Norman.

She is two-time and both of them. She is just dragging them along, like little dogs. Like, oh yeah, maybe you, maybe you. No, that's what you got to do, M.D. Jay, don't you realize that that's how you gotta get love? You string them along, give them little treats, and then you never let them get the actual sweets. Yeah, yeah.

Years of foreplay. I mean, maybe it is... There is light banter here. There's light banter, yeah. Yeah, we're back at the lake. Ah, she's going to talk about his dead wife. Oh, yeah. We're talking clues.

never mind. Dead wife's got to come up at some point. Yeah, he's got to like open up to her, right? For sure. Yeah, because he's got to be a vulnerable. He's not just a cop from the big city. He's vulnerable, you know? Yeah.

I do like that they do kind of assume in a Hallmark movie like, oh, dead wife, he must be, have a lot of emotional communication. Yeah. Where I feel like they're like, oh, he's been through something. He must be good at it by now. It makes him good. Yeah. It's like a sign of virtue to have a dead wife at a homework.

me. I just may have underestimated you. I'm sorry, that to me, not charming. Close it up shop after you hear that. Yeah. No, but then that doesn't have any confidence. So she's like, wow, you're negging me. Thanks, Mike. In front of my bench. A Minneapolis cop is nagging me. Wait till I tell mother. Oh, God, and wait till she tells the cat. Oh, Jackie, I'm so glad you're going on this journey with me. I want to watch them all. It's just the beginning.

I mean, I need to fly to L.A. so that we can, like, do, like, a marathon and also, like, drink, maybe. Oh, yes. I feel like at some point you can make, like, a bracket where we're actually, like, betting on what's going to happen and who's going to do it. And I feel like that's how you do it. And I won't have an advantage because, again, I don't remember. anything that happens in terms of the mysteries.

Yeah, Hannah, it's time to tell the cop all the information you're withholding. Not, again, I'm not talking of real life, don't talk to cops, but Hannah, you're going to get yourself in trouble. Yeah. Whoa, she on the run. Negging me. Lake. Bird.

Gosh, she really does have a lot of detect. time in her schedule. She doesn't work. Despite owning a very successful business, she does not work. She, like, bakes for leisure, you know, but she really leaves it all to Lisa. Poor Lisa. I feel like the Lisa is me in this situation where it's like, must be nice. Somebody's got to make the desserts.

Yes, yes. One of the most satisfying things about talking about this on the show was that someone wrote in and was like, Hannah really needs to treat Lisa better. And I was like, you're so right. She needs to treat Lisa better. That's, there's Lisa. Look, she's fucking burning the midnight oil. And she's up at dawn and then she's working all the way.

She's working all day? Go home, Lisa. You brought your cat in the rain to the bakery? You know, Betty, Betty's an interestingly pathetic person, I guess. Is this cat? fat trafficking? What's going on, Betty? Did you kill Ron?

Yo. I knew there was a reason you were eating so many cookies. Oh yeah, I think the movie's ending in like 10 minutes. What? What? Why? What service were you providing? You worked for the loan shark, Betty?

You shot him? You shot him because he fired you? They were cutting back at the lone shark factory? What? And that's why you're off your diet? That's why she's off her diet. I had my daddy's gun. Wow, this is so fluke-coded. Fluke wants to be this bitch.

Yeah, yeah, this is fluke-coded. Daddy's gun, honey, you're a pretty old lady. Also, I love it. Apparently, she's 62, which... I guess 62 was very different in 2015. You shot at his chair? You didn't shoot him. But you weren't, oh, it's the old bait and switch.

Oh, Betty thinks she did it, but she didn't. Because there were two different guns at the scene. Yes. Good paying attention. Well, you did try to kill him. Still a crime. Yeah, I'm pretty sure you'd get in trouble. No, not in Lake Eden.

If you just shoot a chair, it's fine. She just brings her the god. Give it to the baker. Give it the baker. Give it to the single woman. It's not like she's got anybody to tell. And look, that she's good. She feels so happy, so relieved she can go home.

Yeah, she just shot a chair. It's fine, Betty. I think that's a tempted murder. Oh, wow. Have some cookies. Oh, we're back to the... Oh, God, she's got sunglasses on. Townslot.

Uh-oh. No, she got no lipstick on. She's down, she's having a rough one. She's down bad. Danielle, you don't even look like a slut anymore. Danielle, everyone's disappointed in you. Then just Hannah Swenson just punching down. I'm laughing about Jackie saying they're cutting back

at the Lone Shark factory. That's so funny. Oh, God, that's funny. This is... Wow. This is... I need to see it because I'm a baker. Wow.

No ski racks. Uh-oh, bicycles. Is that stolen bicycles? I hear the... Yeah. Of like a bicycle. What's that? Ski racks.

Ski racks. They took the ski racks. I can't protect you anymore. Danielle, you lying bitch. Is that Mike? That's Mike. I don't think I can tell because he doesn't have a coat on. He looks, he's just not wearing a joke coat.

He's just, same guy, Jackie. How dare you? We haven't seen Norman in a while. Where's your boyfriend? I haven't seen Norman since the Woodley, party is Norman okay? Since the date. Remember last time we saw each other, it was like, it's a date. And then we haven't seen him.

It's because she's talking to Mike too much. Yeah, she can't. She doesn't. I mean, she has a lot of time for detective work, but not for laying this much seed. Oh my God, he does like to eat, MJ. He loves to eat. And he loves her. And I'm sorry, but you got to go with Mike.

Yeah, I mean, you do have to go with Mike. Oh, here he's going to talk about his dead wife. I haven't dated since I lost my wife. I haven't dated since I lost my dead wife. But I'd like to get to know you. I feel like that's a loaded thing to say, but maybe you'll be as good as my dead wife. Maybe. Probably not, but I'll sleep with you.

Commercial break. Commercial break. Wow, there was no commercial breaks for the first like 60 minutes. No, they really, really reel you in is what they're doing. They front-loaded the attention, and then they were like, but he's done by this point. No one's still watching. Most people have given up on the movie and the mystery at this point.

I got to say this mystery is not holding up to scrutiny, but that's okay. You know, it's more about the fat shaming the recipes, I think, than anything. The friends you make along the way. Yeah. Oh, it's going to be, right, Benton Woodley. Oh. Or this bitch, Mama Woodley. Oh. Well, yeah. Interesting. Is she supposed to be like,

my Benton has got a simple brain? Like we're about to get one of these? Yeah, but and just this, just as Riverdale would do this too, where they'll be like, oh, it's someone who we haven't even spent any time with. There's no way you could have known it was then, you know? Why would Benton Woodley, we don't know anything about him? We met him once, an hour ago. How does he know Max? Only a few cookies left from the party. Country Club.

You know, my cookies can kill as well. Because I feel like, what about that? Girl, up your prices, hon. Maybe it's just inflation. It's 2015. Benton. Murderer Benton. Oh.

Wow, really sucking yourself off, huh? I'm gonna say it, you've got a whore's lipstick on too. No one's saying that to the rich lady. Oh, do some snoop banana. Oh, yes. Get in there. Get in there. Oh, my God.

Is it just going to be on a note that just says Benton killed Max? For sure. What is she going to find? You're snooping. Oh, my God. It's for sure going to be a note that says, like, hide evidence that Benton killed Max with a gun. Ski-Rex. Ski racks.

Ski racks. Oh, it wasn't the town slot after all. Wow. So you threw her under the bus for no reason. It is northern Minnesota. There's going to be ski racks on most of the cars. Oh, that's the list of people. That's why.

Why would they need a loan? Why would they need a loan? Because their son is bad. That's why. You got this, Hannah. You don't need no man. Even with her ugly boots on, she is still able to follow the mystery. Love this.

Get him. Get Benton. Oh, I feel like mummy's not going to like it. They've got like three minutes to escalate things. I feel like the movie ends pretty soon. I looked at the running time. Yeah. I like don't touch it.

You're in the, you're using it though. Um, but. Yeah, again, when the, they describe the cookies, you're like, what? Hidden secrets, that's very clever. A cherry hidden inside the cookie. It's like, what are you talking about? Whoa.

How did you get married then? And disguise your interrogation a little bit better, girl. She's not a professional, you know? Yeah, she's no Mike. Curious like a cat. Melinda's. Because he's a murderer. Well, you're being very rude, but...

And now you're being very rude, Hannah. Oh, what? Judith. Is that this bitch? It's Judith. Whoa. A woman, murderer. An old woman.

An old woman. I thought their pussies wouldn't let them do that. Like, I thought they got in the way of the guns. See, so now Hannah's going to find herself in hot water, and she's going to need a man to rescue her. And it's going to be that guy. Mike. Yep.

And don't worry. Lisa's at work. Always. Lisa's holding it down. Now I know it's Mike because he's got the jacket back on. So I feel safe. I can't believe he said it. Is that Mike?

I feel like. Oh, oh, oh, Susan so zaney. Susan so zanee. Oh, God. Is it going to be the whiteboard on the back of it? Uh-oh. You're so right, Jackie. Wow, you wrote this movie.

The white boy on the back of it. Now he's going to put it together. Or is he? Oh, double cream. Better watch out, Mike. We know where that's going to go. Go get her, Mike. No, she's going to get murdered.

Because Judith is going to know that she's odd to her. Judith is going to... That's the rich person's house. Oh, that's fine. I mean, I guess, you know, I imagine it's like on a lake or something, I feel like. Whoa. Brassy. She's brassy.

She confronts the murderers with no plan and no backup. Oh. Oh. Yeah, you did. Yeah, you live in this medium level house. I love that she's just like, I'm not going to keep talking to you. Okay, I will. Okay, it is Benton.

Whoa. It's Benton and then Judith in Cahoots. Whoa, you think they're hoots? They're hoots? They're hootin. Oh my God, is the boarding pass going to be a gun? Oh, yeah. It's, you wrote this movie.

Hold her hostage. Hold her hostage. I was begging for a hostage situation. Yeah, you're going to get it, I think. Andrea, get with it. She was obviously asking you for how. help. And she said, thank you and come find me. Yep, that's the one I would kiss. Actually, you know what? I'm kissing Lisa. Yeah, Lisa is the hottest for sure. She's the one. Yeah. Yeah, kiss Lisa. Hannah, you're so zaney. She really was post-Susan Zaney. Terry had your walk so that Hannah Swenson could run. Oh, yeah, could bake, bitch. Oh.

The lone. Why are you so confident, old? rich woman. You're broke. You're a pavo. You're poor. Oh my God. Oh my God.

And they weren't on sterling silver platters. They were silver plated. And you only spent $220 on the food. Yes. Hosted situation. We've got a hosted situation. Take her out. Take her out.

Get her, Judith. Get her, Judith. Oh, yeah. Tell us. Tell us, Judith. Wake like his father. Keep going. It's to do with Ron, by the way.

Why is Ron dead? Because they thought he was Boyd, who was working with the lone shark because he stooped the ho in town. Okay, thank you. Thank you, Jackie. Whoa. To kill you. Yeah. Get her.

Because you're a single woman. Single woman. And you're always going to be alone. and you make me puke to death. Great question, Judith. Yeah. Pour it on her. Hit her with the teapot.

Uh-huh. Man, if she touched that teapot, she would shoot her so fast. For sure. But I love... Whoa! That was great! Go!

That was great! Go, Anna Swenson, go! Whoa! She's still, you get to get her from the old bitch! Oh, here's Mike. Don't worry. Mike? Oh, Benton.

Mother. Oh. Oh, no hoots. No hoots. She acted alone. Kill her, Judith. You're supposed to be on Team Norman, not Team Judith, Jackie. Oh, I'm on Team. I'm old, Judith. Wow, bad investments.

And that's why you invest wisely. Wisely. Wow, Daddy knew. Oh, Benton, I apologize. I thought you looked like a murderer. Wow. It's because he's got the wide mouth of a shark. He does have a wide mouth of a shark.

There's Mike. Shoot him. Shoot the elder lady. Come on, Mike. Shoot. Do something in this. I love how no one is acting scared. Bet, Bet, that's just like...

Well, they know Judith isn't going to... Fuck a killer. I mean, she wouldn't get it all over the cream furniture. Yeah. I mean, she had many opportunities to shoot Hannah so far, and she's not taking it. Yeah. She let her do the whole teapot thing and, you know. Oh, thank you, Mike for rescuing me.

Thank God. A man saved her. Mike. Bill. Oh, yeah. And then Bill gets the arrest. Oh, Mike. I'm so glad you saved me a single woman.

He was fishing. Oh, a free boy. Yeah, you did this. You did this, yeah. Hannah, you made a big mess. Don't do it again, Hannah. Don't do it again, girl. Next time it's going to be a raspberry cheesecake burger.

Oh, my God. I love that you've read this book multiple times. I probably read it again tonight. And he still had no idea. No idea. No. You killed the person. I can tell you about the characters or the relationships.

I love it because you're right. I don't really care who kills the person. But I'm, again, look at you, Jackie. You understood the plot much more than me, and I'm immersed in these books. That's just because, you know, I really wanted to see what you saw in it. And I do see it. I get it, you know. But also, we don't see Norman again?

Or is that? No, that's my, Jackie. No, the one in front of him. They're right in front of them. Where? Two dates. There we go. Oh, my God.

And thus begins, Hannah's. And then Joanna Fluke is just common. And she's like, I've got two dates. I've got two dates. It's all she wanted. All she wanted was two very fine-looking people. to kind of fight over her. Yeah, no, she wants to get double-teamed by a dentist in a cup.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Alison Sweeney is her name. Allison Sweeney, God bless you. You look great. Wow. Don't let all these fat shamers get you down, Allison Sweeney.

Don't let them get you down. I'm really, I'm going to say this, MJ. I don't think this is the last murder she baked we're going to watch. I'm pretty sure we're going to watch more. because that was just stupid enough that I will tell you, it went by very fast. I really genuinely couldn't believe that it was the end of the movie already. That's the thing.

It's just so fun and I can't explain why. Wow. And, yeah. Am I going to end up having to get Hallmark Plus? Don't make me get Hallmark Plus. You know, and this is like when you see a movie and people are like, have you read the book? And now I mean, I mean, I know I mean, I know you're not going to read the book. Because no, you shouldn't. No, I'm not. I'm not going to. I and I'm talking to listeners at home also.

None of us should. But we might watch the next one. Oh my God. I'm so grateful to you, Jackie, and to you listeners. If you went on this, if you're still here, if you went on this journey with us, I can't believe they not. Did Norman get book another gig? They were like, you know what? Get out of here, Norman. They really, I think halfway through the movie, they're like, you know what, maybe he isn't attractive. I think he just dumped him. I think they're like, why reshoot? Let's just use it. Everyone will forget about him.

Yeah. And we'll just continue on, except for me, because I was supposed to champion his ass. And then now at the end, we just end with, looks like I've got two dates on Saturday. I need more than that, Hannah Swenson. Yeah, I would love to see if it's the same Norman in the next movie. They dumped him like, I mean like a Hannah Swenson dump crock pot recipe. Oh, she making those dump recipes. You know it, dude.

What are we dumping in the crock tonight, y'all? It's a lot of Kansas soup. Think about Hannah Swenson next time you dump. Yeah. And I'm talking about putting a bunch of dump in a crock pot. Just think about her. Think about what she would add, because I bet, It wouldn't be like spices or anything.

So don't worry about that. No, it's not going to be spices. You guys, I'm so happy. I haven't been this happy in weeks. I just am so glad we did this. Thank you. Thank you, Jackie. Thank you, everybody.

You're very welcome. Thank you, everyone, for enjoying. I'm going to say it. Thank you for enjoying this with us. And also definitely let us know what you thought in the Patriot. Let us know. I mean, I imagine a lot of you guys are here. in the Patreon to watch the movie, which we understand.

Please sound it off, yes. Let us know what you thought. Yeah, are you team Norman or team Mike? Let's turn it into a Jacob Edward situation, okay? I think this is honestly as close to a Jacob Edward situation because it's really like, that one were that one? Okay, I guess. And really, I can't choose a sister?

Okay. Or Lisa? Okay. And thanks most of all to ask. who is the one who realized that there is a series of movies based on the books. Yes, he found this for us. So thank you, Adam. And again, a man was there to rescue us, which is good.

Yeah. You know? Yeah. We wouldn't know how to go on without them, regardless of whether you remember what they look like. I hope everybody enjoyed this, and we will be back next week. And I can't wait. Can't wait. Go out and bake something, huh?

I think. Go out and find a body. Go find a body in some hay. Corpse in the hay. Corpse in the hay. Corpse in the hay. Corpse in the hay. This show is made possible by listeners like you.

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