Page 7 - Pop History: Water Parks

Episode Date: August 3, 2021

Get Wet, Get Wild, Get Cool, Go Bananaaaas with this week's Pop History on the majesty and misery of Water Parks across the world!Want even more Page 7? Support us on Patreon! Patreon.com/Page7PodcastKevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0 Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Vacation all I ever wanted. Vacation had to get away. Vacation meant to be spent alone. Vacation. I don't even know how the guys. All I ever wanted. Vacation had to get away. Yeah.

Yeah, that's the song I think of when I think of, uh, water parks. Uh-oh, we're going to do waterpies. You know what I think? I think of sitting on one of dog all the baby. Because you know why? I love Lazy Rivers. Yes, you do.

We're going to talk about Lazy Rivers a lot today. Oh, we're just going to be screaming about waterpark facts and different kind of waterpark rides for the next hour. Strap yourselves in or don't because none of the water park rides have any kind of safety features on them. Yes, I'm coming in as the heel of today's episode. I'm terrified of water parks. For a millisecond can we talk about it. People get decapitated everywhere, okay? That is true.

Walking down the street, they get decaptit. I saw four this morning on my way to the donut shop. I don't know where one goes anymore. Oh, every morning when you go over to the donut shop to start your day. And I say hello to the donut maker man. If you want to listen to a playlist, I'm going to start this off with this. If you want to listen to a playlist that will remind you of water parks, please I implore you to look up Ed Larson's.

Waterpark playlist over on Spotify. It is because Eddie, you know, like us, grew up in fucking Florida and knows a water park and put all of the music that he listened to over and over and over again in the mid-90s. So it's kind of the best playlist. I imagine it could also like be inside of a Venn diagram of like a roller rink playlist in the mid-90s as well. Yeah, for sure. Absolutely. mini golf.

We had it like a combination pool, weight pool, roller skating rink, like all of it together. And I'm sure there was a very similar soundtrack. Let's start there. You know, it's kind of funny with the wave pool. I think that was the one thing. Because I feel like we have different experiences with water parks. I definitely want to spend a good amount of time before we can get into the fact. Let's get into the gush.

This time it truly is a guscher. I was all, I never, I don't even know if I've, I don't even know if I've, I've, I probably been in a waypoint pool once or twice in my life. That was always the like, um, even back then, like, it's too dangerous or I don't know what it was, but, yeah, the waypool, I lived, I lived, I lived, I lived, I lived for the lazy river and I live for the like splash mountain style ride that we had at Carowans. Sure. And I live for, and the rafting.

Oh, a log flume. And, oh, and the rapids rides too. Oh, yeah. I should have been terrified in the rapids rides, apparently, according to a couple of accident, uh, stories I read. But, but, but yeah, the way point. was the one. I will say reading this information, if you really want to convince yourself to never go to a water park again, read the crimes that happen at water parks, read the little known facts of the water parks.

It ain't gonna stop. We'll get to that later. Me with your propaganda. Yeah, Natalie. Enjoy your 20 gallons of urine, Natalie, because I'll be over there on the roller coasters. Guess what? There's human shit on everything all the time. Is that so true? Can we talk about that for two seconds when we get into this? How much shit is all over every day? Yeah, like the germ of the world and how weird people are about germs.

It's like, dude, we're covered in feces at all times. Like, stop the charade. What about our toothbrushes? We know that all fly, the shit flies in the air. You know that. That's the thing. Guess what we're fine. It's okay.

I just like, I'll touch a subway pole and then I'll lick my hand. I always said I'm just like, you know what I mean? Oh, yeah. You don't need to maybe do that one. You could probably just. I love to do that one. I piece of my hand.

and I wipe them on old women and all sorts of things. Running for the pus. It's not the piss and the shit that scares me about the water parks. It is the lack of safety features. And I need to feel safe. I am very, I'm also, we're going to start this up up top. Let's get in there. I am deathly scared of water.

Jackie is afraid of water for the water parks episode. You must understand this. But I have been to so many water parks. I'm fine. If you give me a noodle in a pool, I've seen you in a lot of pools and I've never seen you afraid. I can sit in the Gulf of Mexico.

It's not a debilitating fear. Yeah. But the fear is, I do not swim well. And I have to hold my nose when I go under the water and I know that I can learn how not to, I've taken a class. I still can't do it.

I cried through the class that my mom paid for me to take and I'm very scared of things. everything that is described in a water park except for the Lazy River. Which is why, growing up in Florida, in the same when we go to a beach, I'm the bitch,

sitting getting drunk on the beach, watching everybody's stuff, I'm fine with it. I love it. I'm stoned as shit. I'm reading a book. I do the same thing in the Lazy River. I don't read a book in the Lazy River,

but I just sit and I people watch. I could do it all day. Oh my God. All day. Could do it. Now, Natalie, it's time for you to make your embarrassing admission that you told us in preparation for this episode. Wait, which one?

about lazy rivers. I have an embarrassing admission. Yeah, yeah. Because we said we're looking into things and you said, you don't even need to look into Lisa Rivers. Oh, that embarrassing thing. Yeah, I may or may not have a saved list of the best Lazy Rivers across the world and I want to try to go to them.

I do. I had that already before you guys pitched this episode theme at me. And I was like, don't worry, guys. I got this taken care of. because I'm an adult woman. I just know you love water park so much and I wanted you to be able to have an arena where you could scream from the mountain tops

how much you love. I'm sorry, I also just had a tequila burp because yes, I am drinking tequila. We are drinking a water park episode we're drinking. Waterpark episode, we're drinking. We have to. But that's where we stand on this episode, right? I think you've got some interesting shades here.

Jackie, terrified of water, very little water park experience in certain ways but in other ways, a lot of water park experience growing up in Florida, but still terrified of water. Me, not a huge, like, I would never call myself a water park enthusiast, but happily have enjoyed water parks, done all the different ride types, even the wave pool that I generally avoided. Because honestly, I think I was more intimidated by the amount of people in the wave pool. I wasn't like, now since I'm so used to it, having my normal pool be the Astoria Queen's public swimming pool for a few years, You get very used to wall-to-wall people inside of a giant body of water.

In fact, it's kind of fun until the kids start fucking with you. You know, the neighborhood kids, they start splashing you and looking at your wife's breasts and trying to like see if they can see them. Wait till you try to go to rehab or one of the daytime drinking Vegas pool parties. There's a whole bunch of different fluids there. Like I didn't do a party pool when we were in Vegas. We did like the, we did pretty low-ty. You did a classy one.

We did a classy party pole, but there wasn't the DJ and the people with the going crazy and, yeah, there wasn't any of that at our party pool. But I also need you guys to know, I do love a water slide into a pool. As long as it's not one of the ones, what are they, the cross body where you cross your arms in front of you and you go? Speed slides? Fuck no. I don't get that as fun to me. The boy was to catatinated. That is how you die.

You die on those. You will die. It's also just, it's not it. It just hurts. It just hurts. Your shit goes up your asshole. It's not fun to me. But Spinney slides into a pool.

Yes. That's fun. I can fucking get that. I have definitely gone to any hotel that I can find that has a fun slide into a pool. Oh, yeah. Do whatever I can. Or, which I did do in Orlando, sleep with the security guard of the hotel so you could get on the slide. And you know what?

Holy shit. But I did it. Jackie. What did his dick look like? Oh, it was, ugh, disgusting. Because he still had, he had a bathing suit on underneath his security guard. You got that chlorine dick? He had chlorine, like, pruney chlorine dick.

And, yep, I did it. I did it for the slide. I did it off on the side. A what? I support you. I support you. Yes, that's good. That's beautiful.

I, yeah, and so, Holden, you're sort of neutral. middle and I feel like I'm on the side of I should be more afraid of water parks than I am. And Jackie is very afraid. You are, but you are a resident stunt woman also. Your fear is the name of the game for you a lot of things, right? I mean, I thought fear is the mind killer, though. But it is the mind killer. It's not.

Reuters. Fear's a good thing. Fear's healthy. Fear makes you safe, actually. It's true. Fear is a good thing. Fear will keep me protected. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. that it should be the mantra instead of fears the mind killer. It is the little death. But that said, that makes a lot of sense. Little death is an orgasm. Absolutely. That you would gleeful. Wow.

Interesting. All right. What did his dick look like? But what did death's dick look like? It is the idea of growing up, I think it is a psychological torture of being a fat kid in Florida, scared of the water. I wore the shirt. I wore the shirt. Oh, see you had the, that's a different kind of torture that you go through.

I wish I could just go back in time and be like, it's so not a thing. Just take the fucking shirt off. It just is such a try. It actually makes you look weirdly fatter. I know, but it's just part of growing up, especially because kids are so terrible. I think that's why I like water parks more now

is because I was so insecure in a bathing suit. Yes. As a kid, I was not able to fully enjoy a water park because I was just constantly thinking about, what do I look like? Who's looking at me? Are they thinking I'm bad? Yes, the amount of torture you get

that if you go down one of those slides, which I would watch people do, and then you've got the atomic wedgy. And every time, I can see your butt! I can see your butt! You're like, stop! No! I love it.

I love it. I wanted to get more into specifics here because I think we all have our own personal water parks that we are more accustomed to, have memories around, so I just wanted to lay that down. I'm not sure of the specific water parks I've been to outside of just the,

for me, roller coasters, water parks, all of it happened at Paramounts caroans in Charlotte. Well, just outside of Charlotte. That park where you didn't tell me about when we went there for your wedding. With Wayne's World. That had the Wayne's World. I don't think it's still, I don't even know if it still has the Wayne's World section, but yes, that had Wayne's World in it and that had its own water park. And I loved the like playground water park part where there's just little fun little like mushrooms and things spraying you with.

Water. Yeah. That little, like, cute little part was always fun. Like I said, there was one of those big raft rides where it had the wheel in the middle and you could kind of control it. See, Grand River Rapids, or Congo River Rapids is the one that was in Bush Gardens. Yes. Tampa loved it.

Because, again, I think it's really, it is those speed slides and anything that, or a wave pool where you can drown. Where you drown? But the rapids thing? The rapids are great. Is that, is that one that's in the park itself? like one where you're in your clothes, or is that like a... Yeah, yes.

One in your clothes. And then you make fun of all the people that didn't want to get wet and you're like, didn't why are you on the water ride? Right. Yeah. The whole part of it was like, hopefully we get splashed.

Right. That's part of the fun. But the real splacher was and I actually enjoyed being on the bridge. It's so funny looking back because I'd be like, I would be soaking wet for the rest of the day, but I actually almost enjoyed being on the bridge

more than riding the ride. Yeah, yeah. It was like a log flume where it would go down, but it was like a violent splash. Oh, yeah. You were crinched by doing it. And then I'd walk around in wet shoes for the rest of the day, like just soaking. I got to say I've become a complete baby with those things.

Like we went to Disneyland with Henry and I went with Ed and Julie right as it was opening after it was like our first foray back into society, which was crazy. But we went on, Ed wanted us to go on Splash Mountain. And it was, I was in the front. I got douched, douched with water. And it was like, no, I was like, I hate this. I don't want, and even like Universal has a really fun new Jurassic Park water ride thing. I wore a fucking poncho like an asshole. Like, I don't like the full clothes wet anymore.

Why would you? It makes no sense why we enjoyed it in the past, but we did. And of course, there was also, I loved, as we already mentioned, it had a late, I believe this park, unless I'm completely memory blocking out a water park that I also, used to go to, which maybe in Myrtle Beach, we also went to a water park with that. I just don't remember the name, but I was a huge fan of the lazy rubber. So anyways, for me, Paramounts Carrowens, water park. That was my big one. Natalie, do you have like a specific water park that you love to frequent? Well, I grew up in Pittsburgh, so right by our house was the South Park wave

pool, which was a standalone establishment. That was like in a public art. But not about South Park, the show, though, right? No, but I did grow up next to an area called South Park. Yes. Okay. I wish it was that one. South Park, weirdly, too, was the mall that I went to in Charlotte. Oh, really? The mall that I was a mall rat at for like a few years. South Park is sort of like a woodsy area where we are. When they have a big public wave pool, I've found two dead mice in before.

But I used to spend a lot of time there. Then we got Sandcastle Park in Pittsburgh. Wait, wait, hold on, hold on. What happened with the two dead mice? I think my dad pulled them out and just set them on the side of the pool. You know. At least, yeah, you did awards work. Yeah.

No, thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember being unaffected by it. I was like, all right, anyways. So then there's that, and then there are sandcastles of full water park that's in Pittsburgh. And that has a great lazy river. I went there just a couple years ago with my friend Heather when I was visiting home. And then Ide Wild Park is another park right outside of Pittsburgh that has its own water park that we used to go to as well.

So that was it. I never went anywhere else as a kid. We didn't go really on vacations or anything. So those were the places that I went. I had never even seen the ocean or anything as a kid. So this was like, this was the biggest amount of water I've ever seen. If you keep talking about your childhood, I'm going to get depressed. Oh, yeah, you will for sure.

Do you want to get into it? I didn't know what snow was until I was 24. Yeah, yeah, no, I get it. No, actually, you probably do it because you were up in the north. Oh, I know what snow was. Jackie. I would go to. Lady Fear.

the water, yeah, where would you hit? I would go to Adventure Island. Now, Adventure Island was across the street from Bush Gardens. I still love Bush Gardens. It is one of my favorite. Bush Gardens rules, bro. It's amazing. I love Bush Gardens.

I love Six Flies. I love theme parks, which is why people get confused with how much I despise water parks, except for the Lazy River and water slides literally into a pool. But I like the idea of the first. of the fun carefreeness, because I've said this before, but my sister grew up going to Action Park. So it's like hearing those stories in my head.

Which we will talk about Action Park. If you're curious, we will definitely talk about it at some point in this episode. I don't think I knew Jessica went there. That's amazing. Oh, yeah. And the thing is that I feel like with the amount of debauchrous bullshit I did, which is why I spent so much time as I did an Adventure Island, because if anybody knows anything,

that if you are in a rough part of the country, you can buy drugs at any water park you go to, including Adventure Island. It is a place, it is a den of sin, and it's disgusting. Is this in Tampa? I'm looking at pictures right now. This looks pretty legit, though. Adventure Island is great, but I was scared of a lot of them.

And I also, as someone that, like, had a trauma of, like, I tried a jet ski for a first time, and a father was like, what's the worst that happens and tips the jet ski over, and I fell off of the jet ski, and then I slam my head on the dock with covered in barnacles, and it's why I have scars underneath my hair.

And it's things like that. We're in Florida, they think that if you're scared of water, that it's something, you've got to get over it. Right, I can see that. That's stupid, because he clearly injured the child.

You want to hear a crazy one? Because we did a lot of lake stuff, too, that I guess we could talk. We did a lot, you know, going to the lake, doing the tubing on the lake. which is always crazy. Oh yeah, we did tubing at my grandmother's lake, yeah.

So I had a friend who was doing one of those, like, tube things where it's attached by a rope with a carabiner to a motorboat. Somehow, somehow, somehow, carabiner came off, got attached, dug into his neck. What? And dragged him for a little bit before they realized that he was, yes. Oh my God. And he lived.

And it was one of those definitely where they were like, if that was an inch to the right, it would have gone through your jugular and you would have died. I think about it every now and you go, like it drug him in the water. Wait, it like pierced him like strange land style. It went into his neck, yes. The carabiner did.

He was like doing suspension before it was cool. And of course they were like, wow, he's really good at that. You know, they were like, oh, my God. Because it was like a National Lampoos scene. No, yeah, it dragged him for a little bit before they stopped the boat and he somehow lived. I cannot believe it. But anyways. You see, so it's stories like this at all.

water that just, it adds a layer of, but I know that that's also most of the fun. Yeah, part of the fun isn't it is. Yeah, but you most likely won't die. That's why it's fun. It's a little dangerous. For sure. Jackie, what I'm hearing is that you like water parks. You just like speed slides.

You don't like speed slides. That's it. I don't like speed slides. You're right. I don't like speed slides. And I was always afraid of like the super steep, I mean, the one that, like, the one that the kid was decapitated on. I was always not a big fan of those.

Just like, that looks like a vertical drop in. Yeah, that's what a speed slide is. Yeah. That is freaky. I went down quite a worm time of my own of sitting there watching the like ride-throughs of different water rides. Sure. And I just sat alone, getting drunker as I, like, I made me feel like my father. I was like, watch it.

I'm just like, yeah, why would you? Why would you do it? And there's one that I forget where it was that it's just, you stand up on a platform. And then they go, goodbye. and it opens up and you just fall. And I'm like, why would I do it? Why would I do it? I know the thrill.

You know what's the thrill? Walking home alone from a bar. That's enough of the thrill that I live in my life. Maybe it's the tequila talking. Yeah, and you might have as much of a front wedgy after that walk, too, you know? Yeah, yeah. Or a front wedgy situation. Yeah.

Just rip through the panties. I'm with you. I'm with you on that because, again, I feel like those are mostly painful. It's not scary to me as much as like, this hurts. I don't really like it. Yeah, yeah. But I did like Blizzard Beach. Blizzard Beach is one of Disney's.

So Disney has Typhoon Lagoon and they have Blizzard Beach. And it's another one of those things as well where I feel like you really see the seams of Disney World at the water parks. Because like it's the magic and all the other ones. And I was trying to get in deep of how they create water. Park mascots because I don't understand

why water park mascots are so fucking weird they're all weird they're all

bobo versions of other things I didn't even look at Waterspark mascots that's how off the map that is

for me like water water park mascots because I was thinking I still have a Blizzard Beach

shirt from like must be 1994 and it has it has the gator

that was like he was called the ice gator. What? And Blizzard Beach had the ice gator and Typhoon Lagoon had Lagoonagator and they had different gators that were. He's blue. Oh. Because Blizzard Beach is all covered in snow for some reason. That means the alley-and-they are cold-blooded animals.

That means that alligator is dying. Dead. It's a dead alligator and I had it on my shirt. And I love the Laura Palmer of gators. Yes. Yes. Completely. And I don't know why.

Apparently they just phased out Laguna Gator. and ice skater. Because it's bad. Like the Wisconsin Dells has like a chipmunk. And they've got other, like, they're all nondescript. But why? And I couldn't find an answer. This is it.

I've got nothing for you. I don't know why. I have a question because my water parks growing up didn't have mascots. We had Kenny the kangaroo at Kennywood, but that's not a water park. We had bathroom Greg, but that was just a guy to. avoid every time he went in the bathroom. I don't think that was a mask on. He was not a mad. He was just kind of a known guy. Yeah, he's just a

guy. He took a lot of pictures with him. Yeah, I don't think that was him. I don't think that was him. I took a lot of pictures with him. They are in that you can only find them on the dark web unfortunately but I did take a lot of pictures. Oh God, not not Greg. Is that why you're scared of feet, Holden? Do we even talk about this?

He had really big, tall feet. He had feet that were short, tall. Like the wig was too much. Remember those flip-flops? I was talking about how I hated from 10 things I hate about you. Those like weird foam flip-flops.

Oh, yeah. He didn't have those. He just, his feet looked like he had those. It was like platformed. This episode is just going to drop a lot of our child training. I mean, it's all over the place. It's kind of fun because also,

the other content we've been creating for our next two weeks has been steeped. Like I've been, like I had therapy today, I talked to my therapist for a while about how I felt about water parks. And it's been steeped in like nostalgia. It's been steeped in like memories of our childhood for better for worse, right? Like our laziest stuff. Yeah, yeah.

And that's why like with water parks, it really was the wave pool was such a nightmare for me. And I've talked about this a couple times on other shows. But I also had like a recurring nightmare when I was younger about specifically a tsunami wave. So seeing the wave pool to me was my nightmare in real life. And I didn't understand. You hear the screams and I thought that everyone

was scared. And I remember the first time I saw a wave pool like that and I thought that everyone was about to die. Oh my god. And then my mom had explained to me that they're not going to die, that they do it for fun. This is joyful. And even at a young age. Yeah, I'm just like but that's not fun. They're going to die.

Do you think that came from like being near the the fear of the tsunami wave? I guess. I don't know. Did you have that fear in Queens or did it come at Florida? Oh, therapy. No, it was in Queens.

Interesting. Where did the water park touch you? Yeah, and I also got really creeped out by just like old guys in bathrooms because of that as well. But that's neither here. Because of the mascot. But honestly, though, the mascot thing, then I started looking through water parks mascots. Wait.

And not a lot of them have masks. No, that's crazy. Yeah, that's weird. That's weird. People, I mean, the characters that were at Blizzard Beach, were they just made out of the same fabric? Or were they like, were they like just latex? I feel like Jackie should have just told us, I want to do an episode about my trauma, just in general. It would be much longer than an hour.

No, I want, no, they're two different gators. But I was just fascinated because I was like, why don't they have them anymore? There's no answers for it. But were they walking? Okay, were they walking around the park? Yeah. Were they getting wet? I have pictures with these gators.

Yeah, that's a good question. Were they getting wet? They must have. You mean physically? Yes. Yeah. Like, horny? Yeah.

Were they getting sexually aroused? I mean, because we know the answer to that question. The answer to that question is absolutely. Were they getting wet from the water park? You know, that's none of my business. What they do in there? It's not my business. I don't think so.

No, they did they would have it like all of the Disney ones. they would be paraded out into their special spot. They stand. Okay. Pictures with kids and then they got taken back. Okay, so they weren't made out of, like, rubber or something. This is supposed to be a research-based podcast. I was trying to do journalism.

I was trying to find out, get the answers for everyone that everyone's been begging for. Where are the water park mascots? I think that's the downfall of, like, most people, as you hear the phrase, I was just trying to do journalism. of it. But that is, I love it. So anyways, those are the water parks you went to when you were a kid.

Yeah. But we have an interesting kind of balance. I'm southeast, but not. Florida, you have the full Florida experience, Jackie. And Natalie, you have this kind of more northern, which I come to realize and we'll talk about Wisconsin Dells a little bit. It's a place I legitimately want to go visit.

It's also probably Jackie's worst nightmare. But I would love to go, Natalie. If you want to go to Wisconsin Dells, I am dead. out right yeah unbelievable we'll talk about it soon i didn't even know it is the self-proclaimed number one like water park capital in the country it has the most water parks in one space pretty amazing and it looks awesome but also there is to be tube is the official mascot of the wisconsin del oh yeah that's very scary even just a tube i knew that already for some reason

it's just a tube you get like lost in the two i just feel like you you you call up toby whenever you want to slicking yourself up, right? Is he an inner tube or a piece of the tube slide? I don't know. Because an inner tube is scarier because then it's like, come sit in my mouth, little boy. I'll help you float in a lot. You tube, you get away for me.

But what about SeaWorld's mascot? Sea World's mascots are all Australian and New Zealand based. There's Roa, who's the Kiwi. There's Kata, who's a Cucobura. There's Wai, a Commercans dolphin. There's Ihoo who's a gecko, Papa, who's a royal spoonbill. And then there's Weiwei who's a Takahi. You know, I want to know who created the mascot.

SeaWorld is already on everybody's shit list. They're in trouble for other things. They're always doing bad stuff to animals. I mean, I saw blackfish. I know what they do. They separate the babies from the mommies. Yeah, I don't have a lot on tube. It looks to just be a simple inner tube.

I'd say, I just, I actually don't understand though why, like I feel like it would work. I understand the idea of mascots. And I understand why it could work at a water park. Maybe it is just because that it's wet everywhere and they don't want a bunch of wet kids touching on, like, furry mascots. And maybe I went down too deep into this hole for absolutely no reason. But everyone must hear my opinion of it. That does sound like that might be somebody's kink, though, just wet mascots. Wet furries?

I haven't heard that yet, but I'm sure it exists. Tube seems to just be an inner tube, but there's a, I post a link to a Valentine from 2B who says, I want to be your Valentine. I want to be, I want to carry you in my mouth. Put your bum in here. Well, before we got to the water parks, mascots and all that good stuff, there was an actual history to the creation of all of this stuff that was more fascinating than I thought it would be. And I think it's time for us to get to the true history of the water park and the water park

rides that we know to be the real thrill of the generation. Man, I'm just not, I'm just I'm just running up to you. I'm so, I'm intrigued, but we have to say, however, would you refer to George Malay as wet daddy? I think that he is, George Malay, who are about to to talk about is considered the father of water parks, but I think we should only refer to him as wet daddy. Okay. Before we even get to wet daddy, George Malay... Oh, you're going pre-wet daddy?

Dude, I'm going prehistoric dinosaurs. Dinosaurs? No. The age of man. Oh! Dinosaurs got extinct. We think it's because of asteroids. And then...

Water parks... The first recorded water parks. The first recorded water slide, which actually all the way back in 19... At the International Exhibition in New Zealand. It consisted of little boats that would ride down a chute and into a lake. And you can see pictures of this, like old school. Oh, like a plunge ride. Yeah, like just straight up a plunge ride, like into a lake.

But it existed 1906. I feel like I've been on that ride, even though not the one in New Zealand and not in 1906. Because one time I went to a little place called Rye Playland, which is where big was shot. And it is one of the most fun, most terrifying little theme parts you could ever go to. And there was just a boat. There was a log flume that had no course. Like it wasn't attached to anything. And you were just in a boat with no straps on it.

And we were supposed to be, there was supposed to be four people in it. We only had two people in it. And we almost, like, they're like, when you get to the top, shimmy to the back or shimmy to the front. Or else the thing is going to be too heavy on the back. and it's going to flip over. Terrify. Okay, so we get to the phone and we're just like,

move to the front, move to the front. And so that's what I feel like exactly what this one is. Yeah, and they would talk about how it would like skip across the boats would like skip across the lake, almost like a skipping rock,

like kind of thing. Isn't it silly? I mean, you know, like 18 kids died, but did they need them? I mean, kids died left and right in 1906. Yeah, dude? They had killed kids back of the day that shot, but they were murdered kids.

In 1923, this evolved into a ride invented by Herbert Selner in Minnesota, and it was described as, quote, water tobogans that would slide down a large incline and skim across a body of water for distances above to 100 feet. Selner also created a patent for this invention. So we're starting to get into like, this is an actual known thing, a known invention that people are starting to spread around. What years is Holden? Huh? What year? That was fucking 1923. All right. Yeah. Back in the day where people are doing what they would eventually call cocaine and dance in the night away.

At that time it was medicine, yes. That time was medicine for the nose. And that's how a lot of authors wrote books. Stephen King doesn't even remember writing Kujo. He was so coaked up. And I'm grateful for it. Yeah, I'll take it. Let's take a trip to the late 1940s.

Hitler got his dick kicked in and we created Godzilla and anime by bombing the motherfucker out of Japan. Oh, that's not good. America was living high on the hot. baby and with a time of peace and celebration comes a longing for attractions and just public amusement yeah they're all trying to like do fuck and do drugs yeah have fun get cheap thrills and dirty dicks so because of this many pools started to feature water slides with the added feature of water flowing down

them for ease of movement this started around the 40s but technically uh the um the first water park was actually weirdly, this is like a weird side note. I don't know how true this is, but I read this on one of the many little factoid sites that I visited. Technically, the first water park was built by a guy named Bob Byers.

It was called Lake Dolores Waterpark. It was located in Southern California. However, the reason why we don't attribute him as being the guy, and we actually attribute it to George Malay, it's because it was only open to his, like, relatives. I think it was just kind of like a rich guy that, so technically he,

created. So he's the wet daddy is what he said. Later, sort of, but he did it for like his close friends and family. Later the park would open to the public, but it wasn't like the first true public war. But like, do you wear a titsling or do you wear a brazier? Like, who did it and really put it out there? I wear a dick Chinese finger trap. Oh no. Dick to dick with somebody? Yes, dick to dick with somebody. We can't get it out. And then all of a sudden, so you have to come to get it out. So once you start coming enough, it loosens it up enough. It's a really fun sexual project. You're the Looby-to-B?

I'm the Louby-to-B. I'm the reason for the mascots. I'm actually bathroom George. Oh, no. You should see my feet. We're going to have to turn you in, Holden, I think. All right, just because a fucking bunch of people saw my dick in 1997. Okay, anyways.

But yes, the real true one. Water Park Godfather. That's going to start with Mr. George Malay back in 1964, who founded SeaWorld at first. Boo, boom, right? Wait, the guys founded Sea World? Yeah, bro. So now you can't like water parks no more, Natalie.

Why's everything bad all the time? We're daddy, we're daddy. Yeah, and that's why we're watching the Cove after this, because of that. Whatever. Water parks are already bad for the environment. I know this about it, and I have to just accept. that I like a thing that's bad for the environment. Yeah, we're trashy Americans.

And you like being in pee-be-water. Yeah, dude. I love it. I hope there's more pee in it. Dude, all these shit if someone will pay me ten bucks for it, bro. What? What? So anyways, the guy, yes, the guy you founded Seaworld in San Diego initially, it was at,

which is weird, because we always think of it coming out of Florida, but it was first founded in San Diego SeaWorld, and then later he founded it, created one in Florida. It is also very weird. The anger that I never realized existed until I moved to Southern California of like in, like the idea of Disney and SeaWorld like all of that like in Florida,

it's like, yeah, that's what we got. We were the first and we're the best. I'm fucking not. I'm sorry, Florida, you're not the first and you're not the best. Yeah. Like I was like, and but I even had it in me of like go ahead and show me Disneyland.

All right. Oh, you're the first, but are you the best? The thing is that they are. They are the best. And it's very upsetting that I had to be knocked down a few Floridian pegs. And I guess that means I got to start doing meth. So I'm going to start doing math. I guess so.

It's the only answer. But you're not, you're California now. So you're, you're not, it's still your pride. You're both. Yeah, you get both now. You're the best of both worlds, Jackie. That's what they always say about you. So yes, he founded it in Florida.

It was four folks who founded it SeaWorld. But Malay was the one who really critical. created the modern water park as we know it. It was actually initially he wanted to create an underwater restaurant and aquatic life show. So you'd be eating and seeing the tortured animals swimming around you. You know what I mean?

And enjoy that while you're eating. You're in their eyes. Yeah, do you get to like look at the animal you're about to eat? You go like, give me that one. They look scared. They're watching you eat their sisters. Yeah, it's for sure, and their brothers.

So, but then Malay first notices that quote. being in Florida with all its heat and hot sun, you naturally think about cooling off in water. Especially like if you're at SeaWorld, you're seeing all these like unfortunate animals swimming around in the cooling water, and you're like, God, I just want a little piece of that myself. I want to drink the piss.

I want to be in jail. I want to be in jail. Yeah, I want to be trapped in a prison of another person's making. So along with the popularity of one of the first wave poles ever that existed in Alabama, hugely popular, There was also a spot at the park called Ontario Place that was a splash pad, which was, you know, just a sprinkler playground like I was talking about before. And it was hugely popular. And there were also just, he was noticing this Malay guy that there were like hugely long lines forming around water slides at pools.

What daddy knows best. And he just is like putting two and two together. He's seeing the Matrix. It's all coming. And he's like, how about we just put a whole park dedicated this fuck of water ass bull shit? Yeah. Make them all wet. So, yeah, that's kind of how it came about.

He just saw a natural need from the public. And that's why we got, I didn't even put the name down, but it's, what is it called? It's called Wet and Wild. Wet and Wild, baby. In Florida. Because I feel like that name is familiar. I believe West. Or maybe some other place appropriated it.

I don't know. I've got more on Wet and Wild than just a second, but we also do. The second you put in Wet and Wild, it feels. it into wet and wild accident where a boy dies six days after the accident that he occurred in wet and wild. I'm sorry to laugh about that.

It's very funny out. Darkness. Yeah, it was for example. Dude, I was fucking 12. I didn't even jerked off yet when that happened. Oh my God. Girl 8 is left with horrific genital injuries

after an accident. I don't mean a lot. God of Thunder River Rapids. Was it Tooby? Did Tubey do it? No, it was at Thunder Rapids. I don't know. Oh, right, can we get away from the gym?

We'll talk about the accident. I do have to say real quick. The people oftentimes, it seems, as someone that has read a lot of these in the past week, it is people not on the rides properly, people goofing off, or someone that is either too small or too young to be on the ride. Sure. And I will say that, that is not the water park's fault. Oftentimes, I hate to say this.

But it is in conjunction with a, a parents allowing a child way too young. And also the people running the ride to be like, ah. But also, how many times have you guys been to a theme park when a 14-year-old is running the ride? And I'm just like, you're going to keep me from dying? I mean, and again, we'll get into Action Park and a little bit, but that was kind of the whole point of Action Park

was it was just like, no one in charge should have ever been in charge. Yeah, your kids. why it was a shit show and why people got horribly injured and killed because of... I'm sorry, I said, genitals. I love the heavy drinking to the happened at Action Park. Genital, but also, all the parents are drunk, and that is the one thing of why I like. And the kids, in the case of Action Park, they were selling alcohol in the miners there, so the kids were just hammered.

And also, dude, what do you think I went to Bush Gardens all the time? What do you think they also did there? Anheuser-Busch is the, by the way, the owner of Bush Gardens. It's very beer-centric, those parts. Beer-centric. For sure. And zoo-centric, but we'll do a Bush Gardens episode another time. I totally.

I went to, my high school took a trip, my, I think, sophomore junior year to historical Williamsburg. Oh, yeah, baby. And the last day of the trip, we all got to go to Bush Gardens because there's a dope Bush Gardens. Yeah. We just had to do the, yeah. Wow.

Wait, wait, wait, you had to go to. You had to go to historical Williamsburg and not, you were not allowed to go to Bush Gardens again? No, I think it was like we went there in D.C. It was all learning. No, all learning. The one thing I remember about that trip was like we were so, just so hyped up to do any kind of substance

that we were just constantly making coffee in our hotel room and drinking it like all hours of the night just to like get some kind of drug in us to build. Back in the day. That was like all the days of like. A comedy CD was huge for us during that time. We were listening to that a lot. I remember that.

And Westside Boys, right? Wasn't that the group? Westside Connection. Wasn't that it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the soundtrack. It sounds like you made up a gang of nerdy white guys from North Carolina. Called yourself the West Side Boys.

It's kind of what happened. Let me, let me, I don't want to fuck with your brains too much and, like, blow your mind's too hard. but let me give you the history of the wave pool. Hell. Right here, right now. One can point to the first incarnation taking place in the 19th century when famous fantasy castle builder

Ludwig II of Bavaria had a lake electrified to create breaking waves in it. I need to look up this guy further. I'm not a big history person, but I love someone being famous for fantasy castle building back in the 19th century. But yeah, using lightning, to make waves in a lake, sounds like the craziest fucking thing ever.

In 1905 in a lake in Germany, they used large pontoons to create waves in a lake there. About seven years later, the first actual wave pool was built on the ground that used a wave machine to create the waves. It's still apparently operational. It's called Biltzbaud in Radebue. in Germany. But Germany is a bit of a water park enthusiast country, for sure. They have brownbreakers.

Yeah, they've got that the one water park ride that women or anyone having the crotchal parts of a woman cannot ride. Because for some reason, whatever happened with this ride, if you look up men only German water park, that they made it so that like whatever, The way, anyone that has the crotchal region of a female. So a vagina. Apparently gets, yes, gets like rip the fuck up if they ride this ride. So they decide to make it men only.

Instead of shutting down the ride and changing it, that women couldn't healthily or like without incident to ride the ride proper. But how does it not mangle a dick then? I don't know. I said this exact same thing I said to Jeff And Jeff's like, well, it's different down there. I'm like, but if I kicked you in the grundle, you're going to be upset. And if you kick me in the pussy, I'm also going to be upset.

It's because it's the, this is what I'm seeing right here. It's the whooshing water does something to the vagina that it doesn't do to the dick and balls. And I'm not really sure exactly what it is, but it's a water-based injury, not a like object on the slide. and I don't know why that makes more sense to me, but it does a little bit. It's called Extreme Phaser, by the way.

Extreme phaser. Yes. How great can that ride be that they keep it even though it rips uteruses apart? Women have been injured on it. Yeah. What?

It seems really crazy. The injuries are causing. Well, I wrote it virtually, and it's just as scary as all the other ones. Oh, no, I'm telling them you wrote it your lady. Oh, no, my pussy's raw on. fell off. This is so funny.

And they're like, we are trying to do right by women. We don't want to discriminate against them. Oh, man. I will say good for them. They are trying not to discriminate, but maybe change it. Maybe figure something else out.

It gives you meaning to ripping that pussy up. Am I right? Come on, ladies. Yeah, so where were we? I'm sorry. I know. Yeah, we had the pontoon. in Germany, a decade after that, so that was in 1905, a decade later, 1915 around about.

One pops up in Budapest, that is a wave pole. Then another in Oregon. This wave machine really takes off. Then there was another big one in London. It just spreads from there as the technology gets better and better. The one that they electrified, did it kill everyone? I'm just assuming that was like for and a spectacle and not to actually exist in, but I haven't done much follow-up on that, but now I want to do a whole episode on this Ludwig guy.

Yeah, I want to hear about fantasy castles. I do. Yeah, how cool would that be? Wave-making? Yeah, using electricity to make waves. So, yeah, hopefully some people died, but I'm not really sure. Hopefully. I mean, come on, for the story.

That was decades and decades ago. For the story. Still, back to Malay, took this concept to Orlando. It had an existing tourism market, perfect for a while. Water Park due to Disney World and whatnot. And the weather was just great for it. So in 1977, Wet and Wild is opened as the first purpose-built water park solo on its own. The first year, they lose $600,000.

But after that, they start making a profit, and the thing just blows up after several years. At one point, they had an average of 1.3 million visitors at its height. And this, of course, is what sparks the water park craze. So from wet and wild, we get all the water parks all over the country and, of course, all over the world. Malay even founded water parks not only in the U.S., but more wet and wild style water parks in Mexico and Brazil. And, yeah, it just went on from there. I just need you guys to know real quick that he's referred to as the Mad King Ludwig. and he was brought into power at the age of 18.

And apparently everyone thinks that he was murdered by a psychiatrist, but they don't know. But in the meantime, he was like a mad king that built a bunch of crazy castles. This guy is fucking baller as shit. Okay. By the way, just if you're wondering. Also, I feel like a little eye into the future.

I think, Jackie, you may get murdered by your psychiatrist someday. Well, I could see. but I don't know. She's very nice and she speaks to me in dulcet tones, which you might not. So let's talk about Wisconsin Dells. So later in 1994, the first indoor water park in the U.S.

was developed at Wisconsin Dells at the Polynesian Resort Hotel. Guys, just look at, if you've never heard of this before, I definitely never heard of this before. I've never heard of Wisconsin Dells. I feel so horrible that I've never heard of this before. Right. Horrible.

Yeah, horrible. No, apparently the idea started with a, a sketch on a napkin after local business partners attended a water park convention in Texas. Oh, water park convention. Yeah, this is the beginning part of this. And they were like, oh my God, we got to make the biggest water park in the world. Which they may not have spoken like, but I would assume that they did. But this is a perfect place for it.

The Wisconsin Dells is a community that formed around a lake created by melting glaciers that produced all these strange rock formations. It's known for its water attraction well before water parks were ever a thing. I will say also look into the fact that like this is, but look into the history of it because it's actually very upsetting because they stole all of the land from indigenous people. The Native Americans, yeah. But we got to make this beautiful. They're like, ah, get out of here.

Totally. Totally. Yeah, of course. Especially like in that area. It makes a lot of sense. But you know what? You know, if they're going to kill a bunch of people and put a bunch of people out of their homes at least they have America's largest outdoor water park they have America's largest indoor

outdoor combination water park they have with scottes in there largest indoor water park wow was it worth it i'm joking unfortunately that that's just going to be everything about our country's history no but i will say look into it though because it is like the like the the watching of it happen is such a it's so crazy to me and you're like guys this is for a water park why do you cool the fuck out It's very competitive. It definitely looks like there were already a bunch of resorts there because they had really good, like, boat boating kind of all. It looks beautiful.

Yeah, it's very beautiful area for water-centric, you know, vacationing. But then the Polynesian, they were the first, I think maybe even the first people to put a roof over their water park to have the first, like, enclosed water park, essentially. And just all these resorts started trying to out big dick each other, started doing this whole one-uping of, oh, you're going to do that. Did it all go to do that? And that's why it just became this ridiculousness.

In Noah's Ark water park alone, there are 50 plus water slides. It's a literal pissing contest to see who can have the most pee inside of their parks. Yes, completely. It is also, though, interesting because I have never heard of Wisconsin Dells, but I have seen the picture that is famous, that it's the most recognizable picture of a man. Is he still picture? It says he's the man who made Wisconsin Dells famous.

And it is Henry Hamilton Bennett who did this insane jump from like mountain top to mountain top. It's called Leaping the Casum. And I have seen this picture before. I've seen that picture as well. You know exactly what I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that was taken. That was part of like helping the Wisconsin Dells get notoriety just in general of a good place to like start infesting essentially.

But it was just, I like was blown back. I was like, oh my God, I've seen that. that before. And then cut to two hours later while I was still reading about the history of Wisconsin Dells. Just, you know, shir some giggles. Oh, man, that guy's crazy.

I'm looking at him. Whoa! Right. So before we talk about the more upsetting facts about water parks, let's talk about some of the more awesome water parks that you can find around the world. According to CNN travel,

these are some standout water parks. First, there's Aquatica at Orlando, Florida. Also, I apologize. Before, when I was talking about Sea Worlds, mascots. I know you're very concerned. I need you to correct this. Actually referring to Aquatica's different Australian and New Zealand mascots.

How fucking dare you, Jackie? You're dead to me. I want to give the right information. I just got too excited about the mascots earlier. And you're going to be very excited about my abandoned water parks we're going to talk about soon. Yes. Ooh, I like that. I like that lane. Aquatica at Orlando, Florida,

features two massive wave pools side by side, a slide called the dolphin plunge that takes the rider through a dolphin-filled aquarium and a guy named Horrible Peter that will give you a treat if you go into his barnacle covered tent. I don't even know when you're telling you truth anymore. Wait a second.

I can't believe I wrote that down of my notes, forgot about it and then read it out loud as a talk about your water park trauma because I feel like you're looking at my trauma. I think we have to talk about yours. Maybe there's something in there. You haven't uncovered yet. I think you're confusing water parks with box cars.

Just don't accept. Riding the rails? Just never accept a free sandwich from Birkenstock's Johnson. I do. There's going to be a dick in that thing. That's why you're like feet. Gross Birkenstock sandwich, guy.

It's going to be a dick in that sandwich. Then there's Aqua Venture Waterpark in Dubai. Of course, Dubai, that immediately tells you it's going to be ridiculous. It seems to feature a fucking dope Aztec Temple as its centerpiece. Yeah. And boast the world's widest,

water slide, the Middle East longest river ride, and the Middle East longest zip line. It's fucking sick as shit, my dudes, and I feel like it's made for Natalie. You can totally ride a lot of the rides. Holden, now I don't have an Oculus, but Holden let me ride some rides

on his Oculus, and it has opened up a world for me that I didn't know was possible. Man, I want to do it. I've almost purchased an Oculus, but the problem is like, Jackie, you can't purchase something that you're only going to used to ride virtual theme park rides because that's all I want to do with it. Sounds like a plan to me.

It is a fun way. I definitely got my eyeglaced to literally leave my apartment living room in New York whenever I wanted during the height of pandemic. So I totally get it if you break down and get one. Beach Park in Fortaleza, Brazil features a ride called Insano. It is the world's tallest and fastest water slide at 135 feet tall and your fucking bitch. will go 65 miles per hour on that fucker. Love the notes I took for this episode. Yeah, I was wondering, were you drunk when you took the dog for the episode?

Because I like, I mean, I like the energy. I like it. I like the chaos of it. Yeah. This is our drunken episode of pop history. So I think this is perfect. It's kind of nice. We don't do this very often anymore.

But I don't get how much I scream on a podcast if I've been drinking. Yeah, this episode's very loud. I'm sorry. No, all of us are doing it. At CM Park in Spain, you've got the Tower of Power, not as big as the Insano at just 91 feet high. But after the vertical drop, riders shoot through an aquarium filled with stingrays and sharks,

which sounds fucking awesome, man. I definitely want to do that. Alberta, Canada's West Edmonton Mall features the world's second largest indoor water park, the actual first ever indoor park built in the world. Okay, so they take the credit for it. And the world's largest indoor wave pole, it holds 2.7 million gallons of water. It's suspended above the wave pool is a fucking bungee jump tower.

So let's eat some goddamn mushrooms. Hop off that fucker. Oh, I don't even think I've seen that one. For one hell of an ego death and maybe a real death as well, you animals. And I wrote that down. You did. You did write that down. You definitely did.

There's a couple of those water parks, those indoor ones that I really want to go to. Sure. Because they have some crazy slides. But, you know, it's like the indoor water parks are the ones that seem to be filled with just loose toddlers everywhere. Right, right. And they're not, it's not made for me. I feel like a weirdo going in there. And the indoor one, I've never been to an indoor one.

They're usually attached to like a hotel or something. Or in this case, a mall. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. They don't want me there. And I feel offended by it. I understand. And I get everything that you're saying.

but I do, I think that something that is our speed, indoor or not indoor, are definitely abandoned water parks. Yes, sure. Yeah, dude, give us the goods. There are a lot of abandoned water parks. And again, talk about another insane journey I went on. And everything that I clicked on, I was like,

I won't go there. I won't go there. Because it's a lot like where I get obsessed with, I like the Olympics, but I think what I like even more about the Olympics is watching how the things that are built for the Olympics are just let go and they let, they just let the environment take it back. And apparently that's what they do with water parks as well.

I don't think they do that with every water park, but they do do it with a good amount of water parks. So there were a couple that I looked into because I would love to go check them out. I feel like I have them up on the level of like the Stalin theme park that was also shut down that you can still see the bones of that I would really like to check out. There's something about- Yeah, I have a big list too. Have you ever been to an abandoned park, but like theme park or something? Yeah.

I've always wanted to. I think it's because of goosebumps. Probably, but also, yeah. I mean, I just love abandoned anything, really. But, like, yeah, there's one that now- There's something about abandoned water parks, too, for sure, that are especially- It's fun as well, because a lot of it is just, like, there's just a lot of, there because that's what that is without water.

But like there's this one that I was, I've been just so obsessed with since I started going back and forth between LA and Vegas, you know, like in the mid 2000s. Now I think it's a lot more known because of social media and people taking photos there. But it's like right in the middle of the desert, right in between LA and Vegas,

there's this water park that's, I feel like it was called like hoopel. Hoopas something, hoopelusha. Oh. It's some like splashrama, something, hoopistank, yeah. And it's just, it is such a metaphorical. Oasis. Yeah.

Of America. Because, no, it's just like, oh, we tried to put a water park in the middle of this barren desert where there is nothing around. And of course, it immediately, you can't keep that up. Like, you can't, that doesn't work. You're in the middle of the desert, not like a, a, little bit of desert. There's nothing around. But this one water park, it was abandoned as long as I, way before I was ever at it, but we shot stuff in there sometimes. And you could just like

wander around this massive, empty water park that still had a bunch of slides that were like relatively safe. And they had a lazy river that was completely empty. So you could like run around and I used to do like a little skateboarding things in it. See, that's fun. Or you can be really scared about all the crocodiles that have taken over, like if you go to the abandoned water park in Hugh Vietnam, where the crocodiles have completely taken over, and this urban explorer went out to it to take these insane pictures of this just abandoned, I think, dragon-themed waterpark that's in the middle of nowhere in Vietnam, and it looks absolutely gorgeous, but every, like, all of the slides and everything are inundated with crocodiles. And then there's just like,

these big fountains up in the middle of the jungle and then every, they're just crocodiles everywhere, which is very scary. There's also River Country. River Country was a part of Fort Wilderness in Disney, and I did always wonder, what the fuck happened to River Country?

I was trying to find out if it had closed down because of some sort of accident or something that they were trying to cover up, but don't worry. Journalism didn't also find the way this time either. It just kind of got, It got washed up. They had Blizzard Beach. They had Typhoon Lagoon.

They decided to not redo it. But it's still there. And they keep saying that they're going to build something on top of it. But I just remember going to Disney just being like, it's just very creepy to see the empty rides.

Yeah. Like, I feel like you can hear the haunting children's laughter. You can definitely, there's YouTube, like, abandoned adventurers who've gone there and gotten some really cool footage of it.

It is very strange, especially because Disney is so aesthetically concerned with everything. The fact that they left it is weird. It's like, is there like a curse on it? I don't know. Because then there's like, there's this another, it's a Thai water park in the city of Kanchanaburi where a murder-suicide happened.

And apparently it is a known, like, for urban explorers, everyone says that it is creepy as shit. Oh, I want to go. And not just normal creepy, that it's actually like haunted creepy. and I know that I shouldn't just think I hear the far off distant laughter of dead children, but how do you not think about that? Like I think about the Lily Collins haunted movie. Now, I want to tell you guys about a dude. I'm at the bathroom one time named Private Parts Patrick, and he was a real one.

No, not another one. We got to get you into things. Therapy. Why do they all exist in bathrooms and why do they all have nicknames that are upset at best? That's not a water park, man. Bro? We got to talk about this. And the research, any more abandoned parks before I move on to some fun, dumb water park facts? No, not necessarily, but I will say that one of the primary theories of River Country closing revolves around the idea that the closure was due to a brain-eating amoeba that was present in the parks. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love to hear it.

Because an 11-year-old boy died. Because her's a meepic meningophilitis in the park's water. And but that's, I don't know, maybe I'm making, I don't know. You'll never hear outside of this episode more times instances of people screaming with laughter over the death of a boy. I don't want any children to die. It's not even a confirmed real boy. Come on. It's just crazy that

for something that is so beloved and people are like, yeah, but like, can't keep dying. Yeah, but these people keep dying insensitively. Nothing is pure. Nothing's pure.

No, when we looked up water, when we were talking about water or the wave pools before, I put it in immediately, 44 people dead or injured in China as a wave pool malfunctions and a tsunami was created.

Oh, my tower. Well, that's just not good regularization. Very grim. That's grim. Very grim. So, yes, apparently water parks, here are water park facts. We'll give the rundown. Apparently, water parks are more dangerous than roller coasters.

Though I will say this was a New Jersey Department of Community Study, Community Affairs study, that found that 40% of injuries were attributed to water park rides, even though they only make up 11% of attractions. But again, this is New Jersey. home of action parks. I kind of don't trust that number as far as I can throw it. This is an interesting one.

In Japan, tattoos are banned at most water parks. Why? Yeah, I've heard that. It's because I'm actually been really into a video game series called Yakuza. It has actually been organized crime members in Japan, like the mob of Japan.

Tattoes are like very like heavily incorporated into like illegal crime life. So a lot of tattoo culture is a lot of like, I'm a part of a gang culture. And I think it's one of those things that's a little archaic, but they've just kept it up. So it's even if, you know, it's a girl has a little butterfly tattoo,

whatever, you still have to cover it. Snow white tattoo on our ankles, not like, I'm a part of a gang, right? But still, yeah, you're not a lot of them. Seven dwarfs? It sounds like a gang. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. A study by the Center for Disease Control

found that 58% of public pools contained E. coli bacteria, which is likely from fecal contamination, aka pissing and shitting in the pool. Canadian scientists determined that out of a 220,000 gallon pool, they checked out, it had almost 20 gallons of urine in it, which does sound crazy.

20 gallons of urine is a lot if you look at it in milk jugs. But it's not if you have that many. Yeah, he's space it out. Thousand gallons. Yeah, you're only drinking a little bit of piss every time to get in there. Just a little bit. The tallest ever water slide was built in Kansas City, called Verrucht, which is German for crazy or insane.

And Jackie, what happened on that ride? He died! So I rode the ride virtually, because I was like, well, how did this kid die? And there are these, like, metal things up and over that keep, like, a net over the very fast speedside. I also rode this virtual. You can ride this ride on YouTube, which is very cryptic, knowing what happened on it. but I saw this exact thing. That's why I wanted to see.

I was like, so how is that? Because I remember when in Florida was a big deal, obviously it's a big deal, when a child was decapitated on Space Mountain. And every time I went on Space Mountain, my mom's like, oh, God, be careful. You're going to get decapitated. I was like, but if you look at it,

the girl stood up when she was on the ride. You shouldn't stand up. I'm not saying that you, that she, you know, I'm not saying that it should have. She deserved it. But you also like, she stood up. on the rock. Why did she stand up? And this child was too small

for how fast, or at least what I've read. It seems he was too small for how fast it was going and he moved too far up and his head hit the metal thing that holds the net around. Oh yeah, right, right, right. Yes, I remember this. And in falling

when I was doing the virtual thing, it was like, I can see how that would have, which also scares me much further, into being scared of the science. I know that it's science and we should, we should follow the science. And as a bigger woman, technically, I never would have a problem on any of these slides because gravity made me. But yes, this is, this is the ride that Holden was referring to. Terrifying. That just didn't happen that long ago, right? That was like, no. And again,

you can ride this ride via YouTube and it is very fascinating. That is exactly the kind of ride that would absolutely terrify me, the just straight drop ride. But also what makes sense, and until I was doing this research, I had no idea that rides at water parks are exempt from federal oversight. The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission doesn't oversee precautions for water park attractions, which means regulation is left up to state and local inspections. Therefore, there isn't one blanket safety code for water parks on a national level. It's something to consider next time you have an uneasy feeling about a particular slide or ride.

And that, like, you know, just got to make sure you got to think about who is running it. Why isn't there federal regulations? Don't know. Oh, good Lord. And it's based on the inspection. So it needs to be, or at least what I'm seeing from what I'm reading, that you've got to be fucking on top of this shit. And there's so many other things that you've got to do. If you think of the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, that's a big umbrella.

What do you say, Holden? Jackie, your eyes are keeping, they keep getting bigger and wider. Yeah, your eyes are your face right now. I literally only see two eyes in a mouth right now that your eyes are so big. But you look like at the end of who frame Roger Robbie. You look like Judge Duke. I feel like it, but also it's very hot today and there's no AC in the room. Oh, well, let's get you out of here soon.

I will only, I will say this one last fact before I talk a little bit about Action Park and we close this thing out. In 2017, to end on a positive note in terms of the factoid, a man named Gordon Hartman opened Morgan's Inspiration Island specifically for people with disabilities.

The park has an accessible river boat ride. Folks with disabilities can enter for free and they are given a waterproof wheelchair when they get there. I think that is so fucking cool. That's awesome. I love that. So check out,

Good for you, Gordon Hartman, and definitely check out Morgan's Inspiration Island. Fuck yeah. But also, briefly, I do want to mention Action Park. Just watch the documentary. It's on HBO Max, right? It's amazing. It's so good. This is what I wrote.

There are water parks, and then there is Action Park located in Vernon Township, New Jersey. In its heyday, the park was known for being a free-for-all death trap with very little regulations or regard for safety. It almost as if it existed in a Simpsons episode. Back in 1976, Eugene Mulville, Mulvahill, rather, owner of a ski park in the area, wanted to get that money, money in the summer as well. And so he started with an alpine slide running down one side of the steep ski trails. Love an alpine slide.

Right? Quickly expanded to water slides, a go-car track, and a swimming pool. Mulvahill's son had this to say. My father, if he could find a guy with a crazy idea for a ride, He'd hire the guy, even if he'd never built it before. I'll make one. I'll go, I'll do it. One of the big mainstays was a tidal wave pole nicknamed the Gravepool as it was filled with fresh.

It is something to remember, by the way. It was filled with freshwater, not salt water. And that is a huge distinction for wavefuls and like lazy rivers. Yes. The swimmers are way less buoyant in freshwater. And so, and the waves could hit up to, 40 inches high. Apparently, the 12 lifeguards on duty

had to rescue an average of 30 people a day. It's great. Then there, look up the picture of the cannonball loop, and honestly, dude, just fucking watch this documentary, but look up a picture of the cannonball loop. It is an insane water slide tube.

It does a full loop-to-loop. Rumor has it that the dummy they sent down to test it came out with no head. It was shut down after one month. Yeah. It was so ridiculous. And the park ends up closing in 1996 after being responsible for six fatalities.

It was open again in 2010, but it closed again in 2016. It's honestly shocking. There's only six. I can't believe there was, yeah, exactly. I love the story of Action Park. Watch that talk. Also, it's very tragic and sad. There's definitely death involved.

The movie gets real sad. Yeah, it does get sad. I mean, as much as we like to revel in how dangerous and awful action park was and all these things were. I do want to give respect to the lives that were lost that we covered throughout this episode. It's very, it's definitely devastating. Especially in a place where you think that you're going just to have fun. And I guess also I kind of wanted to do this episode even after I was doing all this research, just to remind you of like, you know, just think about it.

Just, you know, just prepare yourself. Just because it exists. Don't get hammered. No, you should never get too hammered around that much water. I mean, this is a bad idea. And with the kids, just make sure you're keeping up. Just know, it's funny how we can easily be brainwashed or go along with like an institution. Like, oh, it has a big sign.

And there's like a bunch of people also enjoying this thing. It must just be completely fine. It's like, no, these are death traps. Be careful, especially water parks, much less amusement. of parks, but I loved it. I love doing the research on it. It makes me also want to go to a water park really bad. But it also makes you want to learn more about Mad King Ludwig.

Yes. Mad King Ludwig to Bavaria. It seems to be, man, what a fun time. Well, maybe not fun. But an interesting person must have been. Yeah, we're going to have to have a reading lesson now after we sign off together. And also look up, fun and sane. Just look up some of the craziest water park rides you can ride via YouTube.

And even just, if you shut off the lights, you know, it's like you're there. Oh, my father again. Oh, God, just like you there. Just have a whiskey drink. Oh, God, Jackie. Guys, we got to go. We got to go deal with this. What an innocent sounding episode.

and it's so loaded for Jackie and so full of tragedy. Thank you everybody. Still smiles, though. Like, think about like what, like, imagine how angry I would be. If we were on that phaser ride and our pussies were all bustled up. Oh, right. Thank you so much for joining us to everybody. If you like to support us further, patreon.com, for it slash page seven podcast.

If you want to check me out more Twitch.com. Ford slash Holdenators, so Monday, Tuesday, Friday streams, Jack it with the Holdies on Fridays. It's always a good time. And I think that's all for me. Natalie, what you got? Go listen to someplace underneath. If you want to hear about missing women, it is sad, but also fun because Amber Nelson is very funny.

Absolutely. And she's my hookah host. And so are you, Natalie too. But yes, also Amber is fantastic and definitely check out someplace underneath. Definitely. And my name is Jackie Zabrowski. Follow me on Instagram at Jack That Worm. I apologize for my tequila laughs during this.

But you know what? I smiled and I hope you're so. smiling too. We love you guys and we'll be back soon. Have a great Leo season. Bye everybody. Don't do it. Oh yeah. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors. You can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.