Page 7 - Puddin' Night

Episode Date: July 23, 2015

It's another celebrity divorce on today's Page Seven as country's first couple calls it quits. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

I can hear it really clearly. Are William? I think it might be... Does that mean I have to stop beating my popcorn now? I think popcorn time is over. Motherfucker! God damn it! I hate it when popcorn time is other!

Well, Marcus has just turned into Ursula, and I'm obviously Ariel. Who am I? Molly is fired. Fowler! Folloner! That's the meanest thing you've ever said to me. No, no, no. You're one of the eels.

What? I don't even remember that movie. It was my least favorite Disney. You are a creepest in your wrong. I know, I know. I actually really enjoyed The Lola Mermaid. The songs were very catchy. I know.

People love it. I was a little bit of a hater as a child, big surprise. And I think I need to go back and rewatch it. What was your, did you have a catchphrase? Like, I don't like it. I mean,

that's a pretty easy catchphrase to have. Yeah, but if like a little Molly was saying it and she said it all the time, that would be a pretty good catchphrase. No, I feel like hers would rather be like, I can't imagine a woman be put into that situation. Or just, well, I never. I don't, I was actually thinking about this today.

I feel like, because I remember hating, I was, I'm not proud. I'm not saying I was a cool child. But I remember like hating cheerleaders as a second grader because I was sent to a sports camp where all the other girls where the sport was cheerleading. And I remember as I was like seven and I was so. about it, which I am not proud of now. There's nothing wrong with cheerleading. But I was like, I think I was like Daria before Daria even existed because Daria was when I was a sixth grader.

And I identified hard with Daria. But I was like a pre-Daria Daria. Yeah, but you listen to tap dancing musicals. Yeah. That's a total Daria move. Is that a... I was totally not as down. I was not as dower as Daria, I think.

But I was similarly judgmental. But yeah, I was also tap dancing. Yeah. Not literally Daria, but there's an archetype. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, too judgmental. I was too judgmental. I had to go to a cheerleading camp too when I was like 10 and I really looked like a sausage.

I looked like a jalapeno chicken sausage. You know what I mean? Yeah. And it was just like a little flex of green, but that was the envy. And I couldn't ever do the jumps. And were the girls mean to you? Yeah. The girls were very mean to me.

Oh, yeah. Until I got to a point where I started being mean to them and they kept saying, why do you hate me? I was like, because I fucking hate your existence. Yeah, I think that that must have been what I did too. And I don't, I'm not saying that the blame was solely on them or solely on me. I think it was probably shared. But I did, I did go, I, they were being very coordinatedly mean to me. And I went to a counselor and I was like, all these girls are bullying me.

And she was like, well, maybe you need to adjust your attitude. Whoa, you got played by the counselor, man. I know. Fucking sucks. I know. The counselor's supposed to tell you it's all going to get better. I know. B,

B, blah, B, blah, B, Bha, Bha, Bha, Bha, Bha, Burn. Bhr! I know. And now I'm like, I'm sure that I was somewhat in the wrong, although also I was seven, and I was definitely being bullied in a coordinated way. She should not, she should have said something semi-comfiting to me.

That's kind of hilarious, though. Good for her. Good for the counselor. We're siding with the counselor? Yeah. First, you call me, what did you call me? Flounder. Flounder.

And now you're second. you're siding with the counselor. Yeah, but I called Marcus Ursula. That's bad. I love that character. I mean, she's pretty fucking awesome. It's a compliment to Marcus. Yeah, it really is.

I'll call you, uh, we, what is it? Isn't there a seagull? And he uses a fork. Pierre? No, you just made that up. Why haven't seen it since I was a kid? Why can't I be charismatic Sebastian? You can't be Sebastian.

Why not? I'm sorry. Am I not the host of show? Henry, Henry Zabrowski is Sebastian. All right. I'm getting a telegraph across the room. Sailor? Scuttle

That's what is that You can be Scuttles Scuttle is pretty cool He had a fork What do I have in common With Scuttle besides the fork You fly You take food when you want it

All right And you can use a fork That's all I remember About the movie Also or you could be all of the singing fish When the La la la la la don't be scared

You gotta Everybody I want Kiss there I got You can be one of those fish Oh, I got a catchphrase for you from Scuttled. You can say, it's a danglehopper. That's what the fork was called. I don't want to be Scuddle.

Oh, you don't want to call forks dinglehoppers? Yeah, but I feel like to be Sebastian, you either have to be a fat man or you have to be a Latino man. Because he was a little creole. I guess Latino isn't the word for that. Yeah. Cajun. A Cajun, yeah. Can I be, how about I'll be like the completely faceless?

featureless prince. Are you talking about hot fucking Prince Eric which we've definitely talked about on this podcast before who's definitely the most fuckable of all of the Disney characters? More than Beast as a Beast?

Oh, you? Man, you don't remember fucking Prince Eric. You got to watch this. The best part about him is that he wanted to fuck her after she became, that she couldn't talk.

And he wanted to fuck her because he's like, who is this mysterious woman? She can't talk and I love it. And that's the best part. Oh, yes. That's what I've, always wanted just a woman who stares

stairs at me. Stairs at me. She can barely walk. I should rewatch. It's literally been I also maybe should rewatch it. It was 1991, I was probably six. So it's been, it's been a while. But that's why I always wanted to have red hair like Ariel and like Julie and more.

And I think that's also why I may have had a bit of a thing for redheads for quite a while. Because of Ariel, she was hot. She was. She was. She just wanted to get on that land, man. You're I don't love it. And then she gets her voice back. It's great. Yeah. All right.

I'll watch it. Yeah, she gets her voice back. She sings. I'm sorry I called you Flounder. Flounder's a piece of garbage. Okay. I accept your apology. Speaking of pieces of garbage.

Actually, no, it's not really a piece. These people aren't pieces of garbage at all. They're actually very nice. They're countries. Country music's... How dare you call them pieces of garbage, Marcus? I am offended. Well, I think it was because we're talking about what we were judgmental about in high school.

And when we were... kids, I was very judgmental about country music, Billy Ray Cyrus, your Brooks and Dunn. Well, Aiky-Ricky Heart isn't what, you know, made the bank of country music. It really didn't. Today I'm very appreciative of country music. Today, we have a divorce. Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton.

I almost don't even want to talk about it. I am really upset because the thing is that everyone's got their bay and their J. That's a king and queen for everybody. But you know what country had? They had fucking Blake and Miranda. Who's Miranda though? Girl! Her music is, you know what?

I am not really that into pop country music. My sister loves Miranda Lamper. I've listened to a lot of her music, and all of it is about like this like being a southern woman. I love and laugh and drinking hard. It is not good music, but I appreciate where she's coming. I appreciate the sentiment. I'm never going to listen to a Miranda Lambert song of my own volition.

I never choose it. When I'm around it, I'll also look. just like, man, she's a fucking hard-ass woman. Okay, all right, that sounds fun. It's more like a more gruff Shania Twain. Okay, yeah, all right. And sexy as fuck, man. Pretty sexy.

She is sexy. And I know about Blake Shelton a little bit. Ooh, do I want to have them under my sheets and on top of my sheets and maybe on the couch? Even though there's no air conditioning in the living room, but I'll make do to lick the sweat. off of my bunny Yeah Yeah Well Miranda Lambert's hot

I mean she's hot But she's definitely Like southern hot She's like Texas hot She's grown up She's a bell Yeah she's the hot cheerleader That remained hot throughout the years

She's Lila No No Check her out Check her out Oh yeah she's hot Yeah she's hot But she's cheerleader hot

I feel you Yes A thousand percent But she's I like her a lot as a person from what I know about her. I'd never have met her, obviously.

But I know that Blake Sheldon is a cheater. But the thing is that he's so hot. And it's like, how do you keep a man? Can I see a picture of Blake, Blake? He's older dude, huh? Ew. You are in... Jackie, that guy?

Yeah. You want him to lick the sweat off you and do it? Yeah. He's got a bit of a watermelon head, Jackie. Don't you dare. He's got a small face. No, man. He does. He has tiny face.

No, he doesn't have tiny face. Look at that. Look at that. Big head, tiny face. He says a big forehead. I'll give you the forehead. It's because of the voice. I love him in the voice.

He's always drinking. He's constantly drunk. There are allowed to drink on the voice? I mean, no. You always had in a Pepsi cup. Yeah. But he's obviously drinking. I see.

And he was like, he's very charming to women. I mean, he's a piece of garbage. I understand that. But I'm not saying that, like, he's a piece of garbage that I would at least bang him before I put him out to the curb. Mm-mm. You might be a little wrong on that one for it was Shelton who filed for divorce on suspicion that Lambert was cheating on him. Which it's so hard though.

It's so ridiculous because it has never been confirmed that he is a cheater. But he is definitely like women love him. He is very charming to women. He's always out there. And like they would constantly talk about like because I've looked into this. Because I was, I think it's awesome. When two power people get together, I think it's awesome.

It's an anomaly. It never fucking works out. Never. And it's fun to watch it while it lasts. I think it's interesting for them to lie to themselves that this is actually going to work. They signed a pre-up. Everything. It's all already done.

They leaked this news four hours before they actually got divorced before the papers were signed. Because they knew they didn't want to have it to be this whole big thing. But that's what's so fucking crazy. Is that so is he fucking, I'm speculating. This is a spec speculation. But if he's been bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. I bet she went out bang, bang, bang, bang. And now he's fucking pissed off about it and he's leaving her ass.

Well, it seems like who she bang bang banged was a man named Chris Young, who opened for her in 2012. Yeah, man, I bet she opened for him too. You know what I mean? Woo! Too, too. Yeah. Everybody says, he, he, he.

Oh man Well it says that they're So it's an emotional affair Rather than a fucking physical affair Which I was just discussing outside That it's like it's such a weird thing Where it's like no no I was just banging I didn't like

But it's like that's such an offense You think what do you think is worse They're all bad I think they're all bad So if All right interesting But I bet he was more hurt By her emotionally cheating

Than him banging a bunch of 21 year olds It would be only four years did they last And it was they are not they is not an amicable divorce. Hmm and apparently they only spent 150 days together in their first 18 months of marriage. Well, because they're both superstars. That's right. That's right.

Eight years older than her, he is. Man, it's too bad because the past two years I have watched the Blake Shelton Christmas special. So I guess that means there's no Christmas special this year. Or what if they've already filmed it? Was she there? Of course she was there. The whole family was there.

The dogs were there. He could do it a sad like Bachelor of Christmas. Man, I'd watch the hell out of that. Just him with a bunch of hot women on a fur rug. Yeah. Sicking about being lonely at Christmas. I would watch that. Yeah, I think he'll thrive, actually.

It sounds like... Oh, of course, they're going to be fine. Yeah, everyone will be fine. Everyone's going to be fine. I love a king and queen. I love it so much. Yeah. Here's something sad from 2013.

Of course, there's been many rumors of Blake's wandering eye, but he said in a People magazine interview that he gave her access to all of her, his, access to all of his electronics. He said, I tell Miranda, I have nothing to hide from you. That's always been our policy. Here's my phone. Go through it. That's really the kind of trust we have.

There's no secrets. I'll say, go dig through my drawers or my computer if you feel like you need to. And that's been a really good thing because I don't want her to have any doubts. It just means he's a professional cheater. That means he's really good at it. He's really good at, which also, I mean, it's an art. It's a different kind of art It's a whole different thing, man

It's a terrible art But it's an art in itself And you know what? He's a terrible musician He is not good at what he does Yeah, I don't know why you got so mad at me For calling them garbage musicians I'm sorry

It sounds like we really started off Pretty praiseful of these two people And it sounds like they're pretty much mediocre I just love them though as a couple I love them as a couple Okay They're the mediocre And that's what I'm mourning

They're the less than mediocre country Jay and Bay You, well, yeah, I mean, I would say they're the equivalent of Jay and Bay just in the country world right now. That big? That big, a thousand percent. Isn't there a, Keith Urban, isn't he married to somebody? Yeah, he's married to Nicole Kidman. They're not the king and queen of country, though.

Okay, got it. I'm talking about the, it's the duel, you know, that they both have a bunch of fucking hits. It is the ideal bad country music. Got it. Got it. This is, yeah. See, this is, I grew up similar to Marcus. in high school thinking that I hated country music,

but that was because all I knew of country was Billy Ray Cyrus. Yeah, Billy Ray Cyrus, Brooks and Dunn, Travis Tripp, Clint Black. A lot of those. That was a weird renaissance. It really weird. It really was. But you know, you also had some good, you're George Strait, you're Garth Brooks, you know, some good stuff in there that I still hated at the time, but come to accept as an older

gentleman. As time has gone on. But I say, you know what, man, they're going to be fucking banging. They're already banging somebody else. It's going to be great. Oh, yeah. They've got all the houses. Everything is all set up for them.

Everything is done. It's all done. This is going to be the smoothest breakup that... Man, I got to set up a pre-up for myself. For my non-existent marriage and all my non-existent things. Yeah, if you're non-existent wealth. Yeah, man. But I'm going to be like, yeah, you can't have the stale popcorn that is sitting right in front of me.

You fucker? It's mine. It's mine. I put my own salt on it. It wasn't my sweat. Oh, you ever heard the song Little Red? wagon. Oh no. That's Miranda Lambert. Oh, no.

Mm-hmm. Well, they said in 2013 says Miranda knows that Blake comes off as flirty. She questions him at times and asks about certain girls. I mean, that's the thing. It's like just because you don't get a text from a fucking

21-year-old doesn't mean you didn't bang her in the bathroom while you're on tour. Definitely. He also might have two phones. Yeah. Oh, two phones. I'll give you this phone. Yeah, that's good. That's good. That's good.

See, I'd think it would be impossible for these people to cheat because of the whole social media thing. You know, you bang someone on tour, you bang a girl, next thing you know, sending you a message, you send you Twitter messages, send you Facebook messages,

that shit's public. Hey, Blake, I really liked your dick last night. May I have some more next time you're through town? It's always seemed impossible. Interesting question. I wonder if it's that people have more people probably have self-preservation instinct, right? Because if she did that, a lot of people would be like,

you're, oh! But also, maybe it's tact. But I want to say it's probably self-preservation. I think that's why it is the job of the celebrity to treat whoever they bang on the side like gold. And I think that's what it is. The second you don't treat them like gold, even if it's just for a one-night,

you have to lavish them for a one-night thing and make them feel like a queen, and then they'll tell their friends about it, but no one will ever believe them. Yeah. That's how you do it. And, right, that way they don't want to go and sabotage you publicly because maybe you'll call them again. Maybe you'll call them again.

Oh, my God. One time I slept with somebody who was like famous for a minute a long time ago. And I was totally. Carrotop. Ooh. Oh, man, was it a Caratop. Molly. It was a carrot.

I never said anything. Before the steroids or after the steroids? Oh, please. Oh, Kevin Federline. Was it K-Fed? It wasn't K-Fed. Oh, he was a celebrity for more than a minute. Ooh, Jesse Camp.

It wasn't Jesse Camp. You'll never guess. But what did they do? What, to wrong me? Yeah, did they wrong you? No, well, his only wrong was, you know, not wanting to be in a relationship with me forever. I mean, I did just watch a Sex and the City episode about this, which was so interesting. Yeah, so you've been on a Sex in the City kick.

Yeah. So I started watching Sex in the City last week. For the first time. Ever. For the first time. Ever. Oh, girl. Can I come over?

Yes, please. Because I know you got a lot to get through still. It is, I don't know why I'm doing it. It's like one of those things where I'm watching everything. I'm just like, man, it's like, yeah, I guess life is so hard for someone that's rich and single and in their 30s and has all this shit together. Except they happen to bang all these hot, sometimes weird guys. And yet, though, you can't stop. I keep watching it.

Why do I keep watching it? I don't know, man. I don't know. I love watching sex in the city. Really? I didn't know that. I love it. If it's on, I'll watch it.

And yes, I think that it's stupid. I think that the writing is bad. I think that they're rich, rich, rich, rich, rich, completely unidentifiable in many, many, many people, meaning people can't identify with them in many, many ways, all of these things. And yet I keep coming back. And also, like, I come back with an emotional, like, I feel for them. I'm already at the end of the second season and I feel.

Yes. Oh, it gets so much better. Oh, my God. I can't wait. I'll never watch a movie, though. I'll never watch a movie. The first movie. I watch it every New Year's Day.

The problem is... Why? Wait a second. Why every New Year's day? That's a real weird one there. Is it a New Year's movie? There's a New Year's scene in it. It goes through the entire year, Jackie.

I don't know why I'm judging you. I'm in the middle of confessing. A terrible secret. People love it. Even my favorite, like my favorite sex in the city buddy, somebody I went to college with, like anarchist, vegan dumpster diver, like radical person, and she got super into sex in the city. We watched it together.

It was a great time. Everybody can love it. Maybe not everybody. Some people you don't expect who can love it, love it, love it, and then you have a great time. Yeah, it's like when my brothers were super into 90210. Even though they're these like big macho men just super into 90210. watch it every week and days of our lives. You never know what people are going to be into.

I feel like it's just, it's like pop music but in television. Definitely. I just, and even now, it is almost 10 years later. So it's not like I'm watching it just to talk to people about it, although this is kind of fun. I'm doing it. I feel like I'm dirty that I need to take a shower after I do it. And Doug came in and it was on and I forgot to shut it off before he came in.

And I was so ashamed of myself. He's like, you're watching. And it's like, you didn't judge me. No, of course not. But I still felt like, no, this is what I do in the dark in the living room when no one else is home. There's a lot of hate around it. And there's a lot of scorn. And yet, it's like I feel fine about talking about dance moms.

Yeah. Dance moms are fine ones, which I've already killed off, which apparently she's in a trial right now for assault against one of the dance moms. Oh, my God. Which dance mom? Abby Lee, the one that owns the dance company. I'll bet she would. She is bad. Oh my god

Yeah but she's bad for the camera She's screaming at these girls They got the results I thought you're gonna say she's bad for the kids I mean she's good for the kids Is she? She gets the results Well she's good for results

Doesn't mean she's good for the kids Nah nah nah But they're fucking you know None of the meat It's fine The kids will be fine Resilient Yeah

Oh Jackie we have so much to talk about With Sex in the City I got so many thoughts on it Do I need to keep But I need to keep going though Right Because I feel like I need to jump off The bandwagon

No no no no no no No no no Of the future Nope nope Nope, you've gone this far. You've got to go the rest of the way. And it's like, do I love Big? Because I think I do.

Oh my gosh, we have so much to talk about. Oh, my God! I'm so excited! You have to keep going. If you think you love Big, keep going. Oh, no. Oh, no, no. And that's not a foreshadowing statement.

Just keep going. Okay. Don't they just call Mr. Big because he's got Big Dick? No, that's just what she started calling him. In fact, I don't even know what his name is. Nobody does. Nobody does. Nobody does.

Whoa. She won't tell me. But her face is saying a lot more than she wants it to. Nobody does. Well, I've got, there's been, we've got a bit of a mystery on our hands. Demi Moore. Oh, interesting. You may have heard about this.

A 21-year-old man was found dead in her pool. What? Yeah. Oh, my God. You think it's like a great Gatsby thing, though? I don't know. It seems like. Was he like in the shape of Jesus?

Was he like on the cross? He was a staff member. His name was Eden. Edon Nilsson? Edon Ilson. Stephen Valet. Wait, what? Edon Ilson was his first name.

How many spaces are in between each? Edon Ilson. Edon Ilson. Stephen. Dumb name. Valet. Just go by Steven is really what it is. It's you go by Stephen.

That's what his name means. Found floating in the pools deep end. Witnesses at the gathering of five or six people say he'd been missing for 10 or 15 minutes and couldn't swim. Police say they don't suspect foul play and believe Valet died from drowning, although they're awaiting a toxic colony report. I'm going to go ahead and say, hypothesize is the word I'm looking for. What if he got into Demi's stash? Ooh. I bet that's what happened.

What is her stash remind me? Pills. She's fucking dead-eyed zombie bitch. Yeah. tiny dead-eyed man and I bet he got into her stash probably ate too much tried to go for a swim

died yeah I bet Demi was out of town at the time Wait so they were having a party without her there Yeah they were Good for them Good for them yeah Oh how tragic

I was gonna say if she was There then why is she cleared from wrongdoing so quickly But also that sucks because now Not only is Demi Moore But every other celebrity That has a staff in their house Is gonna like set up

more cameras to make sure nobody has any fun when they're out of town. Oh, yeah. That whole staff is fucked now. They all got fired. Oh, yeah. Yeah, she's, I mean, imagine what Demi Moore is going through right now. Having to hire a whole new staff. Yeah, I bet she's not smiling or frowning.

She's the real next to her own. I mean, when you think about it, I mean, have you ever had to hire an employee, much less the entire staff? Oh, my God. I mean, look at the thing. I'm pretty sure she has somebody to do it for her. When a tragedy happens, you've got to call the employee. Of course she doesn't have anyone to do it for.

She fired her entire staff. Oh my God. But she must have an assistant that was with her, right? To hire the staff, yeah. Could be. Yeah, somewhere in a building somewhere. It's like a rotating thing where you, before you fire your whole staff, you got to get your assistant to hire. The new staff, then you fire, you get, you know, always covering your bases.

Yeah, the cycle of the rich. Oof. I think it's awesome. Put me in the staff. You want to be on the staff? Yeah, I just want to be able to steal her pills. Yeah, I'll steal her pills. I'll sell them, though.

I'm not going to take them. And then I'll just sit in the pool. But I need a noodle. And I bet she doesn't have a noodle because bitch looks like she swims. She ain't got no noodle. No inflatable shark. If I had a pool, I'd have an inflatable shark. I would have every single toy.

Yeah, that big whale. That's the best part about going to my parents' house. They have all the toys. Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, fun. Come to the toys. I love pool toys.

Man, I love it. I love the sticks. When you throw in the bottom, we're like, oh, I can't find the sticks. I want an inner tube. I want that big whale. that you get a Toys R Us with the handles on it. Man, the best one of the best things is that there's this like noodle chair.

So you got a noodle, like two noodles on the back and then you have a noodle underneath your legs and it's a big net connected to them. Oh my God. So you get suspended up so your arms are on the back of two noodles and then your legs are up like above the water on the other noodle. Oh my God, look at this thing.

Yeah, it was the first time I ever got high I was in one of those. Oh, that sounds good. It was the best. You guys do it right. I was way too young. You guys had fucking Disney World and pool toys with your youth. I want to grow up in Florida.

Well, let's... If I can turn back down. Iraq, man, oh, also one of Miranda Lampert's chihuahua's chihuahua's named is Cher. Oh, what do you think Cher thinks about that? The dog or the celebrity? That was good.

That was good. That was good. All right, stop for the list. Oh, it's on the list. I got to have that list. My best singer came on accident. It was good. That's a good zinger.

Thank you. Five infamous love scandals. Okay. But you know what? These love scandals were going way back in time. Hot. Way, way, way, way back in time. Oh, you mean Molly's the only one that's going to know what these people are?

Gene Kelly there? No. Way even further back. We're a bad. Not that far back. Oh. Come back forward to Percy Shelley and Mary Goodwin. I don't understand this list.

Percy Shelley, the poet. Oh, he's boring. Mary was just 16 when she met the attractive Mary 21-year-old. What, Mary was older? No, she was 16. Oh, she was 16. Percy was 21. He was 21.

They touched with the quote, full order of love. At the grave of Mary's mother, Mary Woolstonecraft. Man, I did just watch a sex in the city about banging people at funerals. So let's continue. Timeless. See how good it is? Yes.

Shelly's wife committed suicide by drowning because of the affair. He married... Oh, yeah, suicide? He married Godwin and then died by drowning not long after. Mary Godwin became Mary Shelley and wrote Frankenstein. I like that twist ending. Good twist, right? That was a good twist.

I'll give you the twist because really up until the twist. You know what? I don't know why maybe I'm a sexist. I always thought weirdly enough Mary Shelley was a man. How could you pop? Because I have met a man named Lindsay, you know? Well, yeah, there's Lindsay's. there's Leslie's.

There's, you know, there's, I am open-minded. Angels. Yeah. And also, how can a woman write that good

of a story? Well, she's credited as being the first, pretty much the first female novelist. In general? I mean,

pretty much, in those times, I mean, definitely the first female horror writer, but also credited with creating the horror genre.

I didn't realize that she was a side piece to Percy in the beginning. I thought they were just a power couple. Talk about power couples. They were the power couple of literature for a while.

Yeah, but she was a whore. But a great writer. But a great writer. But a great whore. I mean, what breeds good writing, but lots of anonymous sex with a lot of creeps? Making out with a 21-year-old as a teenager in a graveyard. Oh, yeah.

Sounds hot, right? Yeah. Give me right on my mummy's grave. Yes. Next one, Catherine the Great. And Gregory. I know so much about Catherine. Po Timkin.

Oh yeah, baby. You don't care about, like, history, but I know you went to a good story. I like Russian history. Oh, all right. Yes, they first made it in the Winter's Palace basement sauna. Oh, yeah, man. She was a fat, ugly whore. She was so fat and ugly, and everyone had to respect, because, like, what's interesting

is that, like, this wasn't some guy to Trist. She, like, raped this young guy pretty much through her power, that's what she did with a lot of fucking guys was that she was like, well, you can't tell anyone because I'm fucking Catherine the grade. And she would just like, fuck these guys, whether they fucking wanted it or not. And how did she die?

Raping a horse. And the horse fell on top of her. That's a myth. That is not a myth. I would say, if it wasn't a horse, I bet it was some fucking big fat dude that didn't want to bang her and he killed her. She was a rapist. He did eventually become

her pimp because she needed younger and younger guys so he'd go out throughout Russia pick the younger guys make him come back and fuck Catherine the Great Because he didn't want to fuck her anymore She does sound like a really like Dude so powerful though

You should see your castle Do we have any This was way before What? This was in the 1700s Do we have any Any images of her? But her castle is made only out of gold

She's not fucking around Yeah Yeah, yeah, she wasn't fucking around. She was kind of weird. She died of a stroke, they said. Yeah, while fucking, though. You know it was while fucking. Look at her fucking past, man.

Yeah, man. She was a sex-hungry woman. That's why I did a report on her when I was in eighth grade. I even dressed up like her. It was awesome. I had to do a whole speech as her that I had to write myself. As her? Yeah.

It was awesome. That's good. Most of it I wasn't able to say. Because my teacher was like, you can't say any of that stuff. I was like, that's what she did. You said I could do her because my teacher didn't know that much about Catherine the grade. Until I started talking about all this stuff. She was like, you can't do any of that.

I was like, done. I hired to the project. You fucking whore. Now I'm the whore. See, I did that once. My teacher wouldn't let me do my Black History Month report. report on Jimmy Hendrix because of the overdose. So instead, I did it on Robert Johnson, one of the first blues men,

whose past is much more sorted than Jimmy Hendrix, for he was poisoned by a former lover's husband, and it was said that he sold his soul at the crossroads for the ability to play guitar. Yeah, I bet he fucking did, man. Sold his soul to Satan. Yeah, baby. You can talk about selling. but not about heroin.

This is before the internet, so she had no idea who Robert Johnson was. I was just pulling something out of the past. I was like, fuck you. This was also the same history teacher that said that Montezuma, the great Aztec leader, described him as, quote,

Faggy. Well, you know, maybe she wasn't the best teacher. It was real weird. She was like, yeah, he was kind of a, I guess the best way to describe him was Faggy. You're like, that's the best way to describe anyone. That is not ever. I mean, it was like 1996, so I was just like, huh, okay, I guess.

I know what you're talking about. I mean, I know exactly what you mean. It's visceral word. It's very visceral. I mean, I know exactly what she meant by calling him that, but it's like, it wasn't until years later, for some reason, it did stick in my head that a teacher did describe an historical figure as that. That was like one of my teachers was talking about the price of a field trip we were

going on, and he said he tried to do. Jew him down on the price of the bus driver. Well, I mean, I bet he tried. As a 15-year-old, I was like, incorrect. I don't think you should say that. They're not to use that phrase. And that is why Jackie will never be

a teacher. Lord knows. The last one, of course, Henry the 8th and Anbelin. Off of that. Yeah, they were sassy. Yep, that's how it all and it ended with Henry, wanting to divorce her and of course the Catholic

Church that's what split the Catholic Church and it ended with him charging and with treason and off with the head. Wait she was fucking he was fucking he was fucking they were both fucking he wanted to fuck other people yeah he wanted to fuck other people and get divorced yeah and he wanted

to fuck other people and get divorced and the Catholic church wouldn't let him so he started his own church which by the way is still alive and well was it the press piece it's Anglican in England and it's Episcopal here. Oh, the Piskies.

It is so interesting to me that some, you know, jerk off who wanted to fuck, started a church, and it is still going. So wait. And I think it's a good church as far as it goes. Yeah, as far as churches go. Under Episcopalians, you can fuck whoever you want? You can get divorced. Yeah. It's a whole religion based on if you hate your wife, you can get rid of her.

Catholics, we're not trying to have that. And so he was like, well, I'll show you. and it stuck. That's cool. Weird name, though. You'd think you'd call it like Henry's Church. That's what I hate.

Go on down to Henry's Church. Well, you can divorce as much as you like. You can need that pussy. You can kick the pussy. You can know what I mean like with a pussy. The most pussy friendly Christian faith there is. But the pussy can't go out and find other names. No, no, no.

It's looking for pussy. That pussy's going to remain faithful to you. Now that's a church I can get behind. Here at Henry's Church. Pussy church. You get a rack of baby back ribs every time you come in. Wednesday is Pussy Night. And also Pudin Night right after Pussy Night.

So you get a pussy and get some dessert. And none that goes better with eating pussy than banana pudding. Put them nil away for some day. You make sure to get them nil away for the nair. All right, it's time for blind eye-eyed-up. Yeah, we can't see up. Oh, this first one. This one's, this one is juicy and weird.

Super weird. Juicy and goosey, sure. I'm sorry, I thought it's going to be good. So, let's go ahead and say goosey because the man in this blind item was in a movie with someone named goose. I'm not sure anyone ever figure them for a couple or would, but they did hook up once. This former A-plus-list movie actor, who's still a pain in the butt A-lister,

and this A-plus-plus-list singer-slash-diva, after a show several years ago, she was married, he was in between marriages. Now, the gooser, you know who that is, right? Tom Cruz. That's Tom Cruise. Think A plus plus. Aretha Franklin.

That's exactly who I thought when he said A++ Diva. I was like, it can't be a reason for example. Now that's a couple I wouldn't imagine. I thought the same thing. I'm like, share? I mean, that's a definitely, I wouldn't imagine them in bed together. I mean, you can't really imagine Tom Cruise with any singer. I mean, Diva.

No. He's so much of a little. fellow. It's either Bay or re-ringed. Oh, it's Bay. Whoa. No. It's Bay. No. Why would she fuck that worm? Ew. I don't know. This is one of those weird blind items

like, what is I don't know. Like, where does that come from? Like that's a real weird one to put out there. But is it a case of truth is stranger than fiction? Could be. He's the tiniest little squirrely

man. Why would she do that? Because, well, think about it. But also, why not? But when girls are, girls, her age would, I mean, help your age. Yeah, fuck's sake, yeah. She's like, she's like, what, two, three years old? She's like, a little bit older than us. Because I never really thought Tom Cruise was that hot.

Like, I dug. Yeah, we just missed it. I think we just missed it. But you're right. Beyonce wasn't the exact date. Yeah, she's 33. I'm 30. God, is she really only 33?

But can I say that I love that she is still the hottest, hotest, hot as sex icon and 33. Yeah, she's a year older than I am. So I remember girls growing up all about Tom Cruise.

They all talked about Tom Cruise and Kevin Costner with a two when I was Ew, gross. Kevin Costner? Yeah, man. I never had that.

I'd say by the bell they talk about Tom Cruise and Kevin Costner. Gross. And it's real weird because Kevin Costner is gross dude. He was always ugly.

Never hot. Like Tom Cruise was hot back then. I just missed it. I know. What about Robin Hood Prince of thieves? Eh.

I'd rather carry Elways and Robin Hood men in tights. Dances with wolves. Yuck. Boring, disgusting. No, because he was at like weird gross romantic.

Yeah. But the, uh, the woman. The bodyguard. How about the bodyguard? I'll give you a little bit of the bodyguard. Yeah. Yeah. So, I don't know.

I think Biont's saying might just like, hey, I can fuck Tom Cruise. Yeah. I'm going to fuck Tom Cruise. Sure. That would be like if we were, uh, pops A plus plus D divas and we wanted to fuck

I don't know JT not a good example because JT. Jamie Kennedy Yeah well hey No no somebody who hasn't followed from grace If you were said Molly

Seriously if you were single And tomorrow Jamie Kennedy Joe No let's your question I find it insulting that you even flounder fuck Jamie Kennedy That's what the headline's gonna be

What was the last age that you would have thought about fucking Jamie Kennedy. It started and did it 6th grade. It didn't last long. You're not telling me that if you were like a sophomore in college and you ran across Jamie Kennedy and no one would ever know about it. I don't know. I was pretty insecure as a sophomore in college. I imagine he would have eaten the most disgusting pussy.

I don't know why Jamie Kennedy, his mouth. And I imagine him just like, I mean, I think I've hit my pussy quotient of saying the word for the show, and I apologize. I bet he makes weird noises. I bet he goes like, meow. Meow. Meow. Miao.

Miao. Miao. And it's a lot of that, like, weird, like, where it's like a clit never wants to be sucked on that heart. I don't know. I have ran into women that loved, loved it. Like, they want to, like, vacuum strength. And it gets tiresome.

after a while. Yeah, it's difficult to watch. Because there's no, there's no, like, technique to it. I'm just sitting there, after a while, you're just like, I'm just sucking on a thing. Well, to be fair, that's what blowjabs feel like to someone. Yeah.

But still, there's plenty of things that you can do. There's a lot of... It's like a bop it. Yeah. It is like a bop. Exactly. Yeah. And there's a, but, you know, you just, in your oral sex,

you want... Bullet. We all want variety in our old sex. Some people don't want it. Some people do, but I prefer to variety. That's true. But I just mean that some men are like, just stuck on it. Yeah, just give me a bop.

Yeah, yeah. Bop it. Twist it. Okay. Yeah. Bop it, twist it. What's the other one? Bop it extreme has Flickett.

Yeah. I love Bopin Extreme, though. Oh my God. I love Bopett. I love Bopett. I play it right now. I would play Bopet any. time? Yeah, always. I'll always play it.

Man, we recently, we have a cornhole game up on our roof. Right. We've been playing cornhole for hours every single night. I love cornhole. Man, I played a lot of cornhole on Saturday. Love it. It's all we've been doing. It's great. Oh, man, I'll come over and play some cornhole. Come over. I'm not good. And we'll also get a Boppet Extreme. Yeah. Mm-hmm. It's Bopit, twist it, and pull it. Oh, that's just the... That's the normal Boppet. I guess I've always only played Bopin Extreme then. Bop a twist it, pull it.

and then flick it and spin it. Spin it. I love the spin it. Yeah. Flick it, spin it. I don't think I've ever played an extreme. What? There's not just an extreme.

There's an extreme too. What? What is that have? It's pretty much the same. Spin it again. Keep spinning it. It's got different shapes. And they had volume control.

Oh, that's boring. I like how loud it is. Bob it. It's swift up. Pull it. And then there's a one-on-one mode added. In case you want to just play just you and someone else. Well, there's already pass it.

Yeah, I hate the new one. And then there's brats bop it. Ew, with big lips. Don't reinvent the wheel, Boppet. Or brats. You've got your things. Don't just do them separately. And there's Boppet blast.

Wait, is that the one that scores water? Let me see here. You and I have the same thought. I think that it does, because I seem to remember something. that squirts water if you don't do it right. No, the only difference is that you have an option to have a female voice instead of a guy. What? Yeah, that's pretty much and a lightbop mode.

What am I thinking of then? There's something that like squirts you with water if you don't do it right. I mean, besides a fucking pussy. I said I wasn't going to say it again. If you do it do it or right. Ayo. Ooh. Oh, there was that.

Ellen DeGeneres, she did a bop-it contest on her show in 2009. Contestants would have to do the traditional bop-it tasks, but as an added challenge, stomp it and chomp it were made. If you stomped it, you'd stomp grapes. And if you chomped it, you'd take big bites of watermelon or cake. I'd play that with Ellen all day.

I'd rather a hamburger. I'd rather take bites of a hamburger. But it's someone just standing there holding the food for you? I don't know. Probably. Maybe just a big table. Ellen can afford it though, you know. Oh, she could do whatever she fucking wants.

As long as she's just sleep with beautiful Portia Dorasi. Mm-hmm. The other blind item we have today, it definitely wasn't planned, but this B-List, B-plus list, now Canadian dual-threat actress, who is in both fields right now, has a brand-new Canadian boyfriend and a brand-new Canadian pregnancy. At this point, she is not even sure she likes the Canadian. So this was a turn of events she was not expecting.

What Canadian that both of you two ladies like is in a TV show right now. Don't you dare. Don't you fucking dare. And who is the blonde with bad roots that's in the TV show with him? Wait, no. Yeah. No. Taylor Kitch and Rachel McAdam.

What? No. Read it again. Now that I know that it's those two. What are they doing? They're fucking. They're having a child. I won't stand for it. We'll break everything in the studio. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Taylor Kitch, you want an angry little blonde person. I'm your girl. Yeah, man. Fuck Molly. They don't want to hear all about it and she'll let me have sloppy seconds and I'm fine with it.

I'll have sloppy ninths. I don't care. Don't knock her up. Oh, you want to see a picture? I don't. There is. Those two right there, and neither one of them looks happy. Ew. Ew. Oh, my God.

Is she going to keep it? I mean, I got to say, just as it pains me, and it makes my tongue swell to say it, but I'm pretty sure the baby's going to be beautiful. Yeah. It's going to be a beautiful baby. She can't keep it. She has so much to live for. You know what a baby is end of days.

And someone needs to remind her, even though she's a fucking Canadian princess bitch. And you know what? I liked Rachel McAdams. I did. I have come to bat for her many times. And you know what? Now my bat is down. And my knives are out.

And I'll cut the baby out of her. I won't cut the baby out of her. Okay. Okay. But man, she is playing a lot of different sides because it's also said that she's cozying up to Jake Gillen. Hall as well. Oh, dare she. Pick one.

What a fucking hoar. Pick one, Rachel McAdams. I hate her. You can't have everybody who I've ever liked. Oh, my God. Although, quick sidebar, sidebar, sidebar. I just watched Nightcrawler for the first time

and I have to say the man should have won an Oscar for the first time I didn't want to fuck him. It's a great movie. Because that was the only time in my life I have not wanted to fuck Jake Jell and all was in that movie. I agree with you. And he creeped me out so hard.

I was like, he should win an Oscar for me not getting wet while watching him perform. But it's a good movie, right? It was a fantastic movie. Yeah, I like it. I loved it. It's on Netflix right now. Please watch it.

You know what? You'll never watch the fucking news again. Yeah. Yeah. It's great. You haven't seen it? Not yet. You'll love it.

You'll love it. It's right up here. That's what I hear. That's what I hear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, man. Well, that's all we got for today. Oh, by the way,

True Detective is awful. Yeah. It's officially bad. It's officially bad. This last episode was so bad that it made me look back at the four previous episodes and decide, you know what? It's all bad. It's all bad.

Crack Colin Farrell, good. That huge shootout, good. Everything else? Bad. Taylor Kitch, hot. Bad. Yeah, but you know what? I don't know.

Maybe I need to fucking change my tune. Fucking knock-up idiot Rachel McAdams. I'm pissed. I'm gonna go home and hate fuck my boyfriend. I'll be sure to text him and warn him you're coming. My name is Jackie Zabroft. I'm Marcus Barth. Everybody hate fuck yourself.

Signific. because of this. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyadio.com.