Page 7 - Riverdale Roundup Ch. 100: Riverdale State of Mind

Episode Date: December 18, 2021

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Welcome back, Jeffrey to River Vale Roundup. Are you prepared? Nothing could prepare me. No, absolutely not. Why could it prepare you? I don't know what the fuck happened in this episode. And I will say afterwards, I looked at Jeff and I said, do we really have to go talk about this?

Yes. I don't know what to say, but all I want to do is talk about it. Yeah. I do want to start this off by just saying the line from Archie when he revealed himself to be the big bad. Oh, the big bad. Oh, you mean every time he said the big bad? The big bad.

When he said, and I quote, bro, I know all the secrets of this universe. That's when we knew that Archie is the real fucking deal, baby. All right. So what are we talking about here? We are talking about the conclusion of the five-episode arc of River Vale. and it is I'm going to set the stage for everybody here Jeff has been gone for weeks

Jeff has only seen the first episode of the Rivervale arc we hit a bit of a snag because of the Holliers and MJ's children I had to go out of town for work so I missed episodes two, three, and four of Rivervale.

Right, and the thing is is that what's crazy about doing a podcast about Rivervale is that if your co-host cannot do it, like the last time you filled in, I literally know no one else that watches this show to talk with me about it. So here we are. I watched Muppets Christmas Carol hours ago.

So I've already been drunk, sobered up while watching Riverdale, and I feel like a crazy person right now. I think that's how they write the show. I think that's the thing. I actually, you know what? I posit it to you that if you're like, I don't know if I can ever watch Riverdale again, get hammered, sober up, get high, watch Riverdale.

And I think that you could find, again, where the writers are coming from. That is how you get yourself into a Riverdale state of mind. Oh, Realdale's to mind. That's not what Billy Joel was singing about. We are talking about alternate universes. Okay, we had said, up top. Jeff threw it out there. Archie's in a coma.

MJ and I both, we were down. We supported Archie's in a coma. And I will say that what ended up happening is not far off from Archie being in a coma. I don't think that's true. I think you are trying to help me say face. I don't think that that's true at all. And you know what? It takes a big man to admit when he was wrong. You're a big man. I'm a big man. The tallest, biggest, strongest man. man and

I was wrong because I didn't see parallel universe as an option. Now that I know that's an option, my predictions are going to get a lot weirder. So immediately after watching this, so

we've taken the stocking cap off of the jughead if you will, that it is all this, so Rivervale is an alternate universe of River Day. Yeah, so how does the episode start? The episode starts with... Juggett is dead.

But Jughead's not dead. But Jughead's not dead. Jughead wakes up to dead Jughead. Yes, but it starts off with the corpse on the highway in front of the River Vale sign, clutching a Riverdale comic. Yes, which is wild because it's revealed later in the episode that that dead Jughead was the narrator of the previous four episodes. of Rivervale.

And the worst, I don't know if it is the worst, but something that was really confusing me is right after we watched the episode, it was like, okay, I see a lot of Colesprouse interviews, so I started reading through some of them. And he, of course, gets very cold spouse about it,

and is very much like, well, if you could see, like how we created and develop the different jugheads, like you can see definitely the difference, obviously. Narrator Jughead broke the fourth wall, was obviously not as moody as our regular Rivervale. Honestly, it kind of chipper.

Yes, but I didn't even see him at that point as Jughead anymore. But in the realm of River Vale, he was still Jughead. But I don't understand because he was still a part of the storylines that were going on inside of the episodes. I, is Jughead God? I think you're thinking a little bit too literally about this. I don't think of this is not. I don't know if you are correct. Because last episode, Cheryl doesn't exist anymore.

Cheryl never did exist. It's always been Abigail Blossom. And now Cheryl's soul went into Nana Rose. So now technically she is Nana Rose's soul inside Cheryl. But all of that is a hogwash now. I think that is, I'm just too primed for. things like this because I grew up reading comic books and now we're

gonna say because I grew up reading Jackie yeah you fucking idiot no no no you're very smart and beautiful no I grew up reading comic books so you're ready for this I think that's why I no we're this is now Jughead Jones and the multiverse of madness this isn't a regular TV spider pig

spider pig oh my god I'm hashtag nerd girl his name was spider ham oh god get your shit together okay John Mullaney, you broke her heart. We are not talking about John Malaney and his ex-wife right now, Jeff. No, we're talking about Cole Sprozzan and his ex-girlfriend.

Oh my God. So they find the corpse of Jughead. Is the bughead gonna be canon now? John-Hadda. I hated that they said that. Veronica, I'm at my wits' end with you, girl. So. We haven't even talked about the two regis yet,

but all right, sorry. Double Reggie, double your fun. It was, I was, I was, again, I got, I sobered up while watching the episode, which we would see in a frame of mind. Like, what the fuck is going on right now? This was great. It was so good to go from the fucking weird midsomer episode. Miss three episodes, only get your cryptic hints about what you just watched.

I wish you guys could have seen. I was like, okay, okay, okay, so Jeff, in the second episode, all right. All right, I'm following. Titi is La Yodona. And it's like because she had killed a kid even though, yes, she is a high school counselor. Like you do. But she killed a kid in a gang fight. And then, like, me trying to quickly recap the storylines of what has happened in River Vale.

And the thing is, I saved one of the reveals for the episode that I haven't told you yet. So before we continue on and talking about this episode, I need to tell Jeff because I texted Jeff cryptically. So I'm learning about this for the first time right now. Correct. Cool. I texted Jeff because I was trying to spoil the episodes for him while he was out of town because he was like, oh, I'm working. I can't take the time to watch a teen drama.

Yeah, I was being a real dumb bitch. I didn't say that. Interesting. But I said, I just texted him cryptically. You were kind of right because you have been saying for a long time that F, FBI Glenn is the trash bag killer. So hashtag may be true. Hashtag may be not true.

Hashtag is that how hashtag works. That's not how hashtags works. You are on social media. Every day. You have 60,000 followers on Instagram. You know how hashtags work. Hashtag nerd girl. God damn.

What are you talking about? This is late. It is very dark outside while we record this. It's so punchy. So what happened in the Lucifer episode? Do you get it? It's the devil. And so Lou Seifer had come to town and was essentially taking people's souls in Rivervale very easy to trick someone into signing their soul away.

Someone in Riverdale, um, Rivervale. Excuse me, thank you. Someone in Rivervale is a dumb and. sweet-eyed and easy enough to trick. Stop talking about Reggie. Like, he's not double Reggie in this episode, okay? But, okay, hold on, real quick. So I haven't seen this, but in the first episode of Rivervale,

doesn't Cheryl go around and make deals with everyone? And then they do the same thing four episodes later? Well, she's not Cheryl, Jeff. She's Abigail. No, in the first episode. But she just went around and made deals. She's a witch. She's a witch.

Everyone in Riverdale is just a... River Vale, Jeff. Everyone in Riverdale or Vale is literally three well-phrased sentences from making a deal with a witch. Yeah, so that's why it was very easy when Lucifer came into town. He just swept up. Also, you can say, like, I would sell my soul to the devil for that. And you can entrap someone into selling their soul to the devil just by saying. it. So don't say it, Jeff, because I'll do it.

But you just said it. Well, I, maybe I already did it. Whoa. I'm just like a casino owner. I'm Veronica. What does she end up doing with the casino, Jeff? She sets it up so that the devil will then come once a week to take an extra soul. Because you know what? They're all sinners anyway. That goes to the casino. Very weird. Very weird logic. What are you saying? I haven't even finished what I was trying to reveal.

So, trash mac, Matt Giller shows up, right? I'm so tired. town. I'm sorry, guys. I thought it would be fun to be like, I'm going to give you this while we are recording the episode. Please. So Lucifer comes to town and Trashbag Killer comes to town and then FBI calls Betty.

And they're like, Betty, Trashbredat Killer, we got him. But he'll only confess to you. So you got to come in. She's like, oh, FBI. So she goes into her FBI office. Trashback Killer's there. And he says that he's the devil. And she's like, well, if you're the devil.

let me talk to my dad and then it's Hal's voice underneath the... This is all underneath the... It's actually genuinely creepy. And she's like asking these questions about like, if you're my dad, where did we get ice cream when I would get A's?

Like that kind of shit. And then cuts to later on and she realized, she's like, oh, you are the devil. Like, she's like, Polly's talking through him and she like flips out and she fucking stabs. him over and over, blood splurting all over her face.

And she takes shears and she cuts the mask off and she killed Glenn. That rules. But you don't know if he's actually a trash bag killer. Because it's Rivervale. Or if it was Lucifer setting her up to be a murderer. But at the same time, none of this matters. None of it matters. None of this matters.

Alternate fucking universe. You thought you were paying attention to something that made any guy. God damn sense. Doesn't matter. Of course not. That's Rivervale, baby. Because there's narrator Jughead. There's writer Jughead who I think they are supposin at us, that he is God.

I mean, that is like a thing in comics. Please elaborate. No. This makes good content. No, like in comics, like the idea that someone is creating and writing. will create another universe. Like, that's like a thing. There are characters in comics

whose imagination is the universal battery that creates a different universe. Well, now he's the universal battery. Jughead is. That is it. So we find this out, very confusing. We're jumping around.

There's, I don't think we are jumping around. We haven't. I'm saying the episode was very confusing. I mean, I thought this episode made more sense than anything else. I guess if you're like a, If you're a comic head, in the same way whenever I, like, they're like, oh, you get into your worlds and your video games. Like, you know what buttons to press.

I don't know what buttons to press. But if you've, like, learned the video games over time, you know what buttons to press. Baby, the game tells you what buttons to press. Oh, my God. You don't have to know. Nobody tells me how to do nothing. But that's how games were. So Jughead is God of Rivervale.

And remember back at the end of season five, right? there was the bomb underneath the bed while Betty and Archie were making out. Also, Archie's back in this episode. Archie just came back. He's been gone. He's been dead since the human sacrifice. Oves.

And all of the episodes were dreams. We find that out up top. That every episode, like, and then like, every... He's like, you dreamt that I got dragged down to hell. And, like, Archie's like, I dreamt that was getting sacrificed. Yeah.

So at the beginning of this episode... episode, everyone who had something cataclysmic and scary happy to them in a previous Rivervale episode, it was revealed that that was a dream within Rivervale, but also kind of not?

Like, okay, so it's definitely not, because you remember, we're jumping ahead to the end. It's B-Bapu's Comet. Sure, but we're jumping to the end of this episode. Remember when narrator Jughead says, you'll forget this sacrifice ever happened. You won't even be

to remember it, right? And then that exactly happens, right? Mm-hmm. For some reason, the crazy things that happen in Rivervale just disappear from people's memory. Because when they did the bomb thing upstairs, and

then they came downstairs, and Jughead was like, come on, Betty, your spaghetti's getting cold. I hate Betty when the word spaghetti makes you think of a league of their own, and her husband died in the war. Well, that happened. But they couldn't remember.

Right. So I don't understand what you're trying to prove right now. Well, like, the stuff that happened in Rivervale was not dreams. It just, that's all canon within Rivervale. It was a parallel universe. So it's like, it's just happening at the same time. That's why I said Babopi's Comet from the last episode, because, like, the idea of a comet like in on All Hollow's Eve,

where, like, the veil between the realms is the thinnest, wouldn't that mean that that's what was happening? because the two alternate universes got too close to each other in symptoms, plot. That they overlapped. But what I don't understand is how explosion does it.

The explosion knocked Riverdale up to a point that it was Rivervale. Well, that's like the whole like Donny Darko thing. Like in Donnie Darko, like the whole split happens because the fucking engine falls through the ceiling. Mad well. That is what you.

Oh man, how much did you fucking cry and stare at a window listen to that song? I never stopped. Yeah. I still do that. About once every like eight months. When I'm done recording early,

I come into the bedroom like, Jeff, shut off the mad world. Gary Jules is not for a Wednesday afternoon. One of our faces. So what happens? So they have all of these. That's the question. They have all these dreams.

Oh my God, it's... Yes. It's from all the episodes. Yeah, they have the dreams. Jughead goes to school. He's seeing weird stuff. He's seeing the teenage versions of themselves. And then he doesn't remember that Archie and Betty are getting married.

And then Betty gets a call from Dr. Colonel Jr. And he's got other Jughead courts. Okay. So this, they like, yeah, he goes back to the school. They're like, you're a teacher now. He's like, I'm a teacher now. And he sees all of his friends, but they, like, look like students, but they're not students.

They're actually teachers, but for some reason, they are dressed like they are, like they used to dress when they were students. But, but like that was that. So there's like absurdities are afoot. Anomalies. Absurdities. Yes. I.

Drives you crazy when it was the wrong words. All right. Listeners, this is a thing. This is the thing that Jackie does where she says an incorrect word. And on reflex, I say the correct word. And then she says. the incorrect word again, but says it like Sam Eagle from the Muppet.

It is the British way. Muppet Christmas Carol, that was hours ago. It's so late. So it's all these, so like Juggett is very, he's incoherent. He doesn't understand exactly what is going on. He doesn't know if he's a teacher or not. And Archie and Betty are getting married. So this is where I started to lose my focus, I would say, is when he's like, oh, yeah,

remember you're the best man. We're getting married tomorrow. But that's not happening in Rivervale. That's happening in Rivervale, but not Riverdale. But then Archie's been dead. Yeah. And their marriage has nothing to do with Rivervale. No.

I should I stop thinking more about it? I think that you are taking the rules of Rivervale too seriously. Rivervale is a very misty pincey, pincey rather mincy. It's a very misty sludgy place where the timeline sort of... It's very sludgy. The timeline just sort of like slurses together and things that happen quote unquote in the past don't happen. and things that quote unquote happened in the past didn't happen. Now they were living the ramifications of them anyway.

I would love to talk to someone that is listening to this that doesn't actually watch the show, just to see at this point, do you understand anything you're talking about? Because I'm confused. We haven't even gotten to like one of the best parts, and that is the comic books. Can we please talk about the comic books and how great the comic books were.

Well, this is coming. So all of this, these absurdities are afoot. find they like betty gets a call from dr kirtle junior not an obbgy anymore just regular back to being back to being a a dead man doctor of everything yeah curdle junior yes and he's looking great and apparently he's uh for some reason harassing betty over the phone because she's like dr kirtle junior i would appreciate if he would stop harassing me so in my brain he's just been calling her and like he's definitely yes but also with that voice how can you tell when someone is or is not jerking off on the phone.

I could tell. I don't know. It's the undulation. Oh, yeah, yo, yo, yeah. Do you think he jerks off that fast? I think he's got a real slow, like, he's, like, speed bumps.

He sounds like a horny jack in the box. I mean, don't you turn my handle's too fast. I'm going to explore. Oh, Jesus. What the... So Betty gets a call for Dr. Girl Jr. The call...

Dr. Girl Jr. is like, I have some distressing news, Betty. Jughead is dead. And he's like, what are you talking about? Jughead is literally standing right in front of me. So he realizes that something is afoot. So he takes Betty and they go to the morgue. They see that he is dead.

No, he goes without Betty. He goes alone. Does he? Yes. But when do they start kissing? I'm more focused on the kissing. Of course you were focused on the kissing. I understand.

Imagine how difficult that was for them. Oh, the poor things. Oh! Anyway, goes to the morgue. When does he find the comics? Immediately afterward, because he gets other Jughead's personal effects

and then starts reading the comics and then reads 99 issues of River... 95, because this is the 100th episode. They did it on purpose so that there was 95 episodes in Riverdale before River Vale came out. Yeah, 95 issues of Riverdale and then five very weird issues of River Vale. And there's that super cool shot where he's reading the comic and the page he's on is of him reading the comic and it's just like an endless shot. That ruled.

God, that was great. Yes. And that was, and so he's reading what is happening as it's happening because he like found. essentially the manuscript. Yeah, he caught up. Yes. And so he doesn't understand why he is the only one that is aware that was allowed to become aware of what's going on. And then, like, he spots the differences between one world and the other world and then, like,

goes around to other people and it's just like, look at this thing. And, like, but it's different in this way. And apparently Hiram has been dead in this whole. He died at her kinsenietta. And you know what? I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm, calling him out. Veronica was like, he said that Hiram's the big bad, but my father's been dead since my kinsenietta. We had to cancel the Jonas Brothers

concert, but also in this world, that would be what? That would have been 12 years early. 12 years ago? Oh, God, am I just that old? Yeah, the Jonas brothers were performing 12 years ago. Oh!

2009? Climbing back into the bottle. I say that at the end of every episode of Riverdale. So Hiram's been dead. He's not the big bad. Yes. And he doesn't understand because then slowly, and this is another thing I don't understand, Jeffrey.

People in River Vale start getting murdered. Yes, people. Because Jughead was murdered. And then it was Cheryl that got murdered. Yes. Before Cheryl gets murdered, he shows the comics to Cheryl. and Cheryl's like blah blah blah blah blah blah lots of things are different very confused yeah because and then he's like remember when j jay jay died he's like jay's not dead jay jay's alive and he's straight up because of what i liked about this episode they are looking directly at geoffrey and i who have watched every single second of this show minus the last three episodes we see you we see that you've stuck with us and he's calling out like what are you talking about Cheryl there's no way jay jay is alive and then then J.J. Blossom comes into the room. Jason Blossom walks into the room and I believe, Jackie

disagrees with me, I believe says his first line in six seasons. I, so Jeff is a, he is, hands down that Jason Blossom has never spoken. I could have, I could have sworn he did speak at some point. Okay, if he spoke, it would have been during that flashback scene, uh, on the surveillance footage when Clifford Blossom shot him in that basement. But I don't remember him talking during that scene. He was going, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. That is exactly what he's. No, Daddy, no, please don't kill me.

That's what he said. That is probably what he said. So the things that happened in Riverdale, though, we're slowly starting to unravel and happen in River Vale because after he's like, Cheryl, no, Jason Blossom is dead. You even talk to his corpse. for months.

And then later, Cheryl gets shacked. She gets shwacked, but is that before, after JJ gets kidnapped? I think that is... That's after JJ got kidnapped. I should have written down this episode. It was insane. I don't know if necessarily any of it matters. Not probably not.

Because I think it's all awash after this, because again, alternate universe. But it was just so good. It was very good. So they were able to save Jason Blossom because they found Daddy Blossom with him in the white worm, which is where he had originally been killed. Yes. So. But Papa Clifford was dressed like the Black Hood, more evidence of the universe's sludginess. Absurdities.

Absurdities. And it was so it didn't, that part didn't make any sense because Daddy Howell was. not the Black Hood because he was still with Alice and they would how dare they say that she never fucking schoped Skeed Ulrich which they didn't say that but in my brain I was upset yeah you are you were taking no one said that I just miss him I do too I'm fucking I'm sad he so fucking much I'm sad that like FP didn't have like a cameo in this episode very upset because they brought back that was the other thing they brought back a bunch of dead characters like Ben Button who killed himself during the Gargoyle King episode.

One of two people in this show who were thrown themselves out of windows. He threw himself out of window and they didn't show both the people that have dropped out of windows. No, you must be thinking about someone else and then played the footage. You went, Mr. Chilling. The guy from Stonewall. Yeah, of Stonewall who also threw himself through the window. And, but that guy was supposed to already have been dead. And then Athl fucking shows up as well as dumb fuck head of the, oh, no.

Forest Orphans Dilton Dooley. Yeah, but he had a totally sweet head of hair, so good for him. It did look good. I'm completely on board with this new Scrillex look he's got. He looked fantastic. I think it was a wig. I hate to break your heart because when they go to the 19, I'm sorry, the Pops Chocolate Shop in the sky, he had short hair.

So I do wonder if it was a wig. Let's put a pin in Pops Chocolate Shop, but we've got to get to the best person that they brought back for this, which was other reggie. I'm just, what, like, my brain, my brain hurts so much during this episode. So during the first season of Riverdale, for like two or three episodes.

Was it only two or three episodes? I thought it was more than that. No, it was not very many. There was another Reggie that played Reggie originally. Yes. And originally, oh, like originally, but, got me out by the moon.

Yeah, he left to go be in 13 reasons why. Yes, he left to go do that. And because how dare he think that that would be more successful than our Riverdale? With an idiot. Reggie. Old Reggie comes back. And he's like, babe, I'm Reggie. Really upset.

Because you know what? Brava Rivervale, the writers did almost give us a threesome between Veronica and the two Reggie's. You? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You should have seen Jackie fucking slipping off of that couch. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, because Veronica was fucking down. She was like, first of all, look, you and I, we've been in a relationship for almost four years now.

We have had discussions about what kinds of three ways are on or off the table. And I think we need to discuss right now. Two regis? No, I'm saying if there's another one of I. Reginaldly. Jesus Christ. Two Jeffries? Yeah. Okay, perfect.

Because I'm down for that. I'm okay with that. Easily. But they need to have... Do I have to watch you kill your alternate universe self afterwards? That I don't... I mean, that this, that is there. I have had threesomes where I wanted to kill myself afterwards.

So I think that answers the question. It depends on if I do a good job. Now, in my brain, in my dinosaur, brain. Later on, Veronica comes in and sees that the two Reggies have killed each other. And she handles this great.

She does, she did, no, she's not heartbroken, she's not upset. She's just like, you boys. Great, it was exactly what I wanted, but I will say, in my dinosaur brain, they did fuck before they killed each other.

That makes perfect sense to me. Oh, absolutely. I think one of them to trick to the other. into blowing them and then refused to return the deal. And then that led to a fight to the death. I just wish we could have seen it. Yes.

But also, when that happened, I asked, is it murder or is it suicide? And then I said, actually, it's regicide. It's regicide. And I have been fucking patting myself on the back front of that one. He has been said it multiple times. Regicide. I think everybody heard you. The first.

regicide Regicide I will implode this to us I will implode this episode Regicide people You're welcome Um So thank Elting John

She didn't get to fuck On the rest of the episode She did not get to fuck The very very upset This is all while Like there was a bachelorette party Remember oh fuck There was like all the girls

Like I gotta go to Betty's Bachelorette party because they're getting married the next day and then old Reggie was the stripper for everybody. For some reason. But also their bachelor

and bachelor head parties were on a weekday because they were all at school the next day. You know, that's Rivervale. Jughead, that is Rivervale. My brain just broke.

So he's trying to convince everybody essentially. Like, hey guys, this is fucked up. This shit is all weaky-wongy. Can we fix this in any way? He's not. And so it was because he went to go check out a book in the high school library about alternate universes so he could find out more about alternate universes.

That's how he finds out Dilton Doyle. There was only one book about alternate universes that had been checked out years ago by Dilton Doyley, who was, again, I know that it sounded like I was making a J-Pov sort of. earlier, but remember, this was the Cub Scout leader of the scout orphans that lived in the forest. Yes. That were

fighting the goolies? I remember. Weren't they obsessed with, no, they were obsessed with G&G. That's right. That's how they ended up in the forest. Gargoyles and Griffins and Gargoyles. You know, I know it's crazy how that would just slip my mind.

of which insane fucking plotline it came from. So he teaches physics, but he's the one that had the book. That's how Jughead knew. Oh, if I need to find out more about this, like someone knows about this parallel universe. Also, someone is killing people in Rivervale through the episode. Yeah. I think it's Dilton Dwayley.

So he goes to confront him. And Dilton Doyle is like, ah, ha, ha, I'm a crazy science physics teacher. Nee-he-he. It's all alternate universe. And I get to watch these two universes be around each other and then collapse and then I can write about it. Because they both can't exist. But who's going to read it, Dilton?

Who's going to read your report if both universes collapse? Because if both of the universes continued on, they would both collapse. So one of the universes, or this is essentially what he's setting up, one of the universes must cease to exist for the other one to continue. So it has to like give itself to. the other universe. Yeah, one of them needs to collapse the current universe in order to sever the connection that's leading to all of the sludginess. Sludge, sludge, and he's going to let everybody die. He's going to go after drughead. And then Ethel poisoned him, because Ethel was his teaching assistant, by the way, get fucked Dilton Doyley, brought back all those. Remember

were all of the horrible like, like, um, the rumors that were started about Ethel? She lived a rough time in the Riverdale world. Yeah, that, that actress, whoof. What about Barb? Between this and Stranger Things. She just gets just, she got it. She gets a rough shake. So she poisons Dilton Doiley because she poisoned his grape juice.

I think that was the most disgusting thing I have heard on all hundred episodes. adult teacher. He's a sucking back grape juice. Like he's a fucking child. Middle of the fucking day. Ooh. Can you imagine? There's been a hard day teaching fake physics.

Time to chill out with a nice room temperature. Glass of grape juice. I hope that the cap's been off so it's a little musty. Ooh, yeah. Ooh, I've been a hair fell in it. It's covered in chalk. Anyway, Doily's dead. Ethel killed him.

Ethel killed him. And she's going to work. She wants to slob on that fucking juggy now, bro. Still wants to fuck. Give jughead. Oh, damn, Jeff. Got you, bitch. Um, sorry.

I, so he, my brain. They stand in a chalkboard and talk about fake physics. And he says, could a bomb have separated the universes? And she's like, no. He's like, could a bomb in magic of something? separated the universe and she said, yes. And so what is he going to do? He's going to set up a bomb to try to recreate what created the chasm between the universes,

which was the bomb Hiram planted because he was pissed off because he was kicked out of Riverdale. Yeah. And they put it under it and he's like, well, we got to set up the same circumstance. We got to do this again. So he goes to Betty and he's like, Betty. you got to make out with me on this bed oh no first he goes to Veronica

Yes And then Veronica was murdered Yes But he still doesn't know who it is Yes So he can't make out with Veronica Which is good because I think all of us I mean I want to watch it

I'm down for that Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah And she just goes Oh my God are we about to make Vughead cannon And it Grap juice These writers

Just grape juice These riders are just slug He didn't even taste the poison in the grape juice. He needed it that hard. Oh, God. He seems like a young man. So he's sucking on Betty. Betty's getting married, but he's sucking on her anyway.

No, but you're forgetting, you're forgetting. You just skipped over the reveal of the big bad. Oh, the big bad. You're not taking Rivervale seriously. I got so curious. Jacqueline Zabrowski, you are a professional. After, what are you not picking up on this? The big bad, I forgot the big bad.

After. Big bad, not Hiram. Big bad, not Hal. After Jughead talks Veronica. With almost no convincing whatsoever, please just make out with me on our buddy's bed. We get blown up by a bomb in order to save another universe. And she's like, cool. he goes over to Archie's house, and then who comes into the door instead of Betty?

Or instead of Veronica? Archie. I think that you're giving her a lot of credit. Meanwhile, two scenes earlier, she was going to fuck the shit out of Reggie and another guy who claims to be Reggie, who just comes into her home and starts pretending like she's his girlfriend. I think. I think that bitch is, I want to be her friend. I think Veronica...

I think that's the coolest thing Veronica's ever done in all 100 episodes. This whole episode, Veronica, has been down as fuck. I'm really mad we didn't get to watch that happen. Oh, God, that would have been... It's too high. We're going backwards. We're going backwards now. Archie comes through the door.

He's the big bad. He's the one that's been killing people in Riverdale because they always come back... I'm sorry, Rivervale, because they always come back because it's an alternate universe, but he's doing it. He's trying to keep this universe going as long as possible. for the most heartbreaking reason imaginable. He wants his dead dad to return. So this question I have for you then. Well, bro, I know all the secrets of this universe.

Does that mean that Fred Andrews is alive in Rivervale? Does that also mean that Archie is a god? because if he is aware of both of the universes and the fact that people keep coming back so that means he's self-aware he would also then know

in the alternate universe of Riverdale that his dad is dead but then they fight it out man is my nose bleeding and who fucking stops the fight fucking Betty

spurned bride Betty in her fucking bridal dress. You better watch your lips, bro. What are you saying? I'm just saying that if you don't get to step it and I mean dance in the high feet, I'm going to kill you our wedding day. What are you talking about?

What are you threatening you with? At Rivervale, baby. I got to get to step it. Baby, I just booked our wedding photographer today. I'm stepping. You did. You did do a very good job. Yeah, it's going to be lovely.

please don't shoot me Okay He loves So hard He loves So hard He loved so hard He worked

I hope it picked up So Archie's dead Again So that's why He has to make out with Betty On the beds

Because Archie's dead And he was the big bad And he was the one That was killing everybody Still don't quite Understand But that's fine Okay

Okay So we're good So it happens. They go to the room. They go to the room. They start making it out for like a second. Who burst into the door again?

Other jughead. Narerator Jughead. Now we have to distinguish them as writer Jughead, narrator Jughead. Because Rider Jughead is... It's Whughead and Nughead. Yeah, fucking bro. Nughead. All right, Nughead.

Nughead shows up. Nughead is the happy go lucky host. Chipper. Yes. The Rod Serling analog. Yes. So he's the one that has been with us through Rivervale. But Wughead...

Wughead's like, I don't understand. But you were dead. I saw your body. And that is when Nughead explains the Great Pops Chocolate Shop in the Sky, where they are listening to Sugar, Sugar by the Archies. Of course they are. Which ruled.

That whole sequence fucking ruled. It was beautifully done, too. So they were all in the old comics. because this entire time, so it's all based on which I know that you know a lot more. And that's why, like, Jeff really helped me a lot when the time jump happened. And I was like, I don't understand what war is Archie in. And Jeff's like, oh, there was actually like part of the Archiecomic where he was in, I'm assuming what, World War II.

Oh, I don't remember which war. But it is like, there were trenches. It's one of the great ones. Yes, yeah. They were over there. Yeah. Capital O, capital T. And I never really.

got into comics to that extent. So I wasn't aware that, like, they can just, like, jump the shark and then it's fine. And it's just a part of the world. So that's essentially what is happening with this. So they're going to end up going back. Like, they went to Ground Zero, which is the Pops Chocolate Shop. Yeah. Well, Pops Chocolate Shop is, like, heaven, but also a resurrection waiting room.

I guess. But there was all the comic, the issues of River. Well, I guess the idea is like in heaven you can see all of reality is the implication there, right? That would make sense? I guess. But also it was full of people who were definitely not dead. Yeah. Like Betty and Veronica and Tabitha and Titi.

That's like where, like, he likened it to the Big Bang. So I'm assuming that that's like where the, like, or they all, the, like, the, like, the, like, like Adam and Eve oligarchy. Is there an oligarchy of fuckmakers? I don't. That God made? You're just saying stuff. It doesn't make it easy.

You know what I mean? Is there a head of the corporation that some people believe in? Like, is there a board? Like, is there a CEO? In heaven? I don't know what happened. No, there's a whole commandment about that. About their not being.

That's something. You got to have, you got to have a council. You gotta go to some people about things. God famously doesn't run stuff by people. That sucks, man. Pop? Much better God than you. It's all about perspective.

So I assumed that that's what it was, that it was more of like they were the seeds of humanity up in pop stock. So you're saying that up in heaven, what we saw was not Betty Archie and Veronica, but the platonic ideals. Essence, yeah. The figures casting a shadow on Plato's wall. A homunculus of them.

That's exactly what I was saying. Makes perfect sense. Right? I'm going to fucking throw up. So. Uh, now what? So, okay.

Up there. Mom goes off. Nughead reads a comic and he's just like, we can do this and not killing anybody. Yeah. So they're going to do, they're going to re-bang it. They're doing a re-big bang to try and get. They're rarely attempted double bang. Double bang. They're double banging it to quote unquote kill Rivervale. Yes, but they're not killing Rivervale because what does Jughead do? All right, follow us. Sorry, Nughead or Whughead? Wughead.

So wughead gets sealed in the... Or, or, or... Push his heels. No. So wughead gets rid of the universe of Rivervale. Because Nughead tells him, as the writer, you can keep this universe alive. But he... gives himself like a martyr would as a battery source, quote unquote, are you following what we are saying right now?

For all of the people who listen to Riverdale Roundup and do not watch Riverdale, are you okay? Have you listened to everything we've said so far? And have you driven into traffic? I just, you know what, I think that you deserve something special if you've gotten this far in the episode because I would understand if you didn't. You get the Adams and Zbrowski gold star of the day. A to Z. A to Z, baby. We have to finish this.

We have to continue talking about this. We have to, we've got to wrap it up. So, the, so writer Jughead is now left in Rivervale, which is going to continue on forever, but not in. Riverdale. So we have now left Rivervale. We are back in Riverdale. And it picks right back up where Season 5 episode 19 ended with Archie and Betty making out in the bed. With the bomb underneath the bed. But it goes differently this time. Because she gets a phone, an anonymous phone call that says there's a bomb under the bed, get out of the house. So we assume that Betty and Archie are saved and we are right back to where the end of season five left off.

The thing is, I don't want to be. Can we stay in Rivervale? I want to live in Rivervale. I don't know if I want to go back to the end of season five, Riverdale. No, it's a dark place. It's a place that I've done with. And it's kind of crazy because it's set like in the interviews that I've read, essentially what's going to happen is that Riverdale is,

going to continue, but the essence of River Vale and what happened still lives within them. I don't know what that means. Their essence is dusted all over Riverdale. So now, so here we get, here's where we get to the fun speculation for things, right? Where we start to try to predict what'll happen in the rest of the season, which how do you even start with that? I don't know. I have no idea.

So, like, this episode gave us nothing. No. The only thing I can guess is that when they say the essence lives on, I think that Riverdale is going to start being more of a twilight zoddy sort of show. Love it. Where there are maybe cryptids, maybe actual witchcraft, things are just going. I mean, there were mothmen, but they happened to be horrible, people that lived in the woods that were incestuous, inbred blossom project. Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.

I'm inbred. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I think that it's just going to stop trying to, like, justify the weird stuff. And I'm like, nope, it's just weird now. And I think they're just going to lean hard into that. I think that's what the essence is. I'm ready for it.

My body's ready. It's not coming back until March. I do feel about it. Makes me want to fucking put a ball in my brain. I kind of need it. I thought we would have it for the winter. Oh. I thought we would have it for the winter.

It's so cold. Well, we have to leave. Thank you, Jeff, for talking with me in the middle of the night about Rivervale. There's nothing else in the world I'd rather do. I can't believe my brain was able to talk about it. I'm astounded I remembered as much as I did. You did a very good job. Thank you.

And thank you guys so much for joining us. Again, you deserve, I'll kiss you on the mouth. Please. If. We'll kiss you all over. You. Ooh. Just pretend there's two of me.

Don't. I can't have a Reggie night. I'm too tired. I'm sorry, a Reggie's night. And we will be back with Riverdale Roundup, back in Riverdale with MJ in March. And, man, I can't wait to talk to MJ about this episode as well, because they're just so tired.

Oh, God. That I can't imagine them trying to understand this. alone. I bet MJ is going to watch this episode and then think that they didn't watch the episode. I would understand. They're just going to assume they drank too much cold medicine. Can you imagine what we're going to be like when we come back and have to remember what happened in this episode in three months? No. Well, we'll figure it out. I love you guys. And we'll see you soon. Have a good holiday. And we'll be back in March. Thank you again, Jeff. Bye, everyone.

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