Page 7 - Riverdale Roundup Ch. 120: Don't Talk About Riverdale

Episode Date: April 14, 2023

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Hey guys, it's Jackie Zabrowski, and Page 7 and Wizard and the Bruiser are going back on tour with the release the butthole cut tour. We're coming to your town. Hold it. Where are we going? Salt Lake City, Denver, Colorado, Las Vegas. We're going to Portland, Oregon, Tacoma, Washington, Oklahoma City, Kansas City, and St. Louis, Missouri. Where can they find tickets, MJ? For tickets, go to Lastpodcastnetwork.com. What's that again? Lastpodcastnetwork.com. Hell yeah.

For the life of me, I can't believe that MJ and I have been talking for 20 minutes. We did not bring up the episode. I know. I'm so proud of us. We're getting really good at this. I'll be just like, oh, my God, talking to each other like people. I'm just compartmentalizing our Riverdale feelings until we're recording. No, it's very normal.

We're a dear friends who see each other and have to be like, don't talk about Riverdale. We have to save it for the stays. Save it. You got to save it. Because I have to say to you, MJ, that after I finished this episode, I stood up and I looked at Jeff and I said, I think this was my favorite episode of Riverdale ever. I also loved this episode. I think. It was really good.

Wow. Where has this been? Yeah. Is it all new writers or was Roberto Aguirre Sicosa? Did he go in and give like a Ted Lasso-esque spin? beach in the writer's room of like, we got to take this home. We've got to take this into the right door. We got to believe in ourselves. I desperately need to know if anyone involved in Riverdale listens to Riverdale Roundup, because I really do feel obviously not week to week.

The fact that we called for more sexiness last week doesn't mean they were able to throw it all together this week. But I do feel like we deserve some credit for this because I think we summoned it with our energy. We said we love this season. So far, we said that last week. We were hesitant on the first episode. Episode two, we thought we might like it. And we said we wanted to be a little sexier. And boy, did they deliver.

It was such a good episode. And it totally has all the things that we loved about season one. It's all high school-based. I mean, all down to the makeup party. There was a makeup party in season one. And now we're back. And it was horrible. Yes.

Remember that makeup party? We were so excited. We were like, oh, makeup party's coming. and it wasn't very good. And they finally gave us what we've been screaming for. We got to see basically everyone in the cast kiss each other. Yeah. I'm gonna, okay, if you listen to this show and you don't watch Riverdale,

I actually might suggest that you go on the CW app. You can watch it for free. Yeah, it's all free. And watch this episode, season seven, episode three. Yeah. For the kissing alone, for the sexiness. alone. Yes, and you need no previous knowledge, although, of course, if you listen to Riverdale Roundup, you do have a lot of previous knowledge. Yeah, but it is, you know enough. It really is such a

good episode. Basically, it's just like, let's get all the characters all together, which we love. We love the character dynamics. Like, all these like 10 plot lines about each, you know, last season, we were recording Riverdale and we were like, okay, Jughead had this thing. It doesn't even intersect with Veronica's thing. Also, there's Archie's thing that doesn't even He never doesn't even see Betty the whole episode. It was like everybody had their far flung. Everybody had just been thrown to the winds. And this episode is like, we're going to put them all in the same room and we're going to make them all kiss each other.

It is fucking perfect. It's perfect. It really, it's everything that I wanted. And I mean, I'm not going to say I didn't know I wanted it. I know I wanted it. Down to the dark room. Oh my God. We've got so much to talk about in this episode.

I am. The costumes are killing it. Everybody in the cast is killing it. Oh, my God. Everybody's just bringing their A game. And you know what? You don't know we see that in the last season. Oh, yeah.

I mean, I think I would venture to say for a network series that has gone seven seasons, it's probably rare to see it thriving in the last season, especially when we have at least five seasons that are fully not that good to bring it back and be knocking it out of the part. with, yeah, like you said, the set design, the costume design, and just the vibe, you know, it was like, the vibes have just been off for years. So off that we didn't even know if we really had the same show on our hands for a long time there. And the vibes now are just like, it, like last week there was a lot of, um, we talked about like, is, is Riverdale doing kind of

an interesting thing where it's like helping us to really see what it would be like to be in 1955 and seeing the stuff that we don't see in the 50s nostalgia, like the racism and the homophobia. And then this episode, I would say, is like, was much more, like, lighthearted in terms of, like, there was still a lot of the issues about the being closeted that were driving factors in this episode. But for the most part, it was just like,

this is a bunch of horny teens. And they are, like, literally the premise of the episode is, like, they're all horny, but it's 1955, so they don't know anything about sex. They don't know what to do. It's a great idea. It's a great idea. None of them have had any formal sex education and like they literally get a formal sex ed talk at school and it is about flower pollination. Like they have no idea. And it, we, there's a lot of barriers broken on in this episode. We get, is his name Clay? His name is Clay. We get Clay saying, I like boys. I like boys, Kevin. Boys like me, we'll see, which is a rent reference.

Did I sing it aloud to my partner? Yes, he did. And Jeff loves when I'm not only forcing him to watch Riverdale, but then also make rent references on top of it. Oh, it makes his heart sing. That's why I have Phantom of the Opera songs in my head this morning because today's daily podcast was about Phantom of the Opera. Now I'm like, I'm going to be the most annoying person to be around today. But maybe it's going to be you because you're singing rent. Maybe it's going to be you.

And I'm just singing Phantom of the Opera. I think people are more blindly accept Phantom than they do rent. I'm going to throw that out there. But in musicals in general, I would say maybe just because it's older. But anyway, I'm not going to go down that road right now. That's for a different podcast. That is a different podcast. And I'm sure we will have that podcast at some point.

Maybe whenever we do the page seven episode, just the two of us, then we're just, um, then we can really nerd out about musicals if we want. But in Riverdale, no musical episode today, but just a kissing episode. Now, I do, we need to start it off because when we last left off, Ethel came into the sock hop covered in blood. Something terrible has happened. And last week we're like, oh, what if it's somebody else's blood? No, it definitely is her parents. Yes, her parents are dead.

And yes, she is being blamed for the murder. But here's the thing. She's Ethel is saying that it was the milkman that twat done it. Right. And they checked out the milkman, the local milkman who was in his 70s. And he was like giving milk or doing whatever milk men do, maybe cleaning milk bottles or setting up the milk. getting milk things ready and keep spittballing. Did I mention I just, I just woke up?

What else might he be doing? My brain, my brain isn't fun. Like, I'm just like having the first sips of the coffee. But this is when my Riverdale synopsies shine. Don't you think, MJ? Absolutely. You got to be unfiltered, you know, just your first primal reaction. Let it all out.

My reaction was hubba, hubba. I did so many, like, hump the airs as I watched this episode. It was ridiculous. But not during the Ethel stuff. Not during the Ethel parts. No. And poor, although I will say, well, we'll get to that in a moment. I had, I have something to say about Ethel.

Okay. Now, Ethel was busy, and the reason why she's worried, because Ethel... I don't know. What do we do with her? They just make her so just pathetic. So she's just like, Jughead, what am I going to do? I hate what they do to Ethel.

I have got all these pictures of me killing my parents. And she's got a picture of someone that looks just like her with mutilated parts of people that look just like her parents inside of a meat grinder, girl. And then fucking idiot ass Jughead. At least this is consistent with Riverdale. People just making horrific legal decisions. Jughead is like, oh, you're worried that something could be used as evidence against you in a murder trial.

I'll go hide it. So dumb. So he goes, sneaks into her house, finds the drawing, steals a bunch of the comic books that Ethel didn't write and Jughead didn't write, but that are popular, apparently everyone in Riverdale has read them, popular pep comics about a murderous milkman who I don't know why if everybody read these comics, no one's like, oh, I wonder if Ethel's thing is like the comic that everybody. loved and read. But the parents haven't read it. Only the teens have read it. So, why haven't the kids brought it up? I don't know if everyone except for Jughead knows what Ethel is going through. And I think that Jughead is now, he tried to cover up this evidence. But also, if there's one thing I know, if you're covering up evidence, at least burn it. Don't hide it under your mattress. Yeah, instead of hiding it in your own house. And I mean, yeah.

you're right. I think nobody really cares what Ethel is going through. But to be fair, she did burst into the school dance in front of everyone covered in blood. And then she said... They really all should be getting therapy at this point. But how many times have we said this in Riverdale? Right. There should be crisis counselors there. But instead, what do they do? They don't arrest her. They don't hold her. They maybe question her a little bit. She says, the milkman did it. They say, that doesn't check out. And they let her go where to stay with Hal. and Alice Cooper still in her blood-soaked clothes. They're just like, all right, whatever, just go. They let her go stay there. And then she's at Betty's house, and Betty's trying to set her up in her in Polly's room. And she's covered in blood. And all I just kept making jokes

because of how they write about plus size, you know, characters in general that I was like, we've got like a circus tent out back that maybe you could wear. Would you like some sort of tablecloth or something? Because they can't even give her clothes to me. Like, why are they, why didn't they at least let her get cleaned up? Why would they take her back to her house to be like, do you want to shower and get some clothes?

Also, like, I don't know what happens when, like, a, like, legal minor stumbles upon the murder of their own parents. But I should hope that even in 1955, the police were like, whatever, maybe someone will take you in. Like, the police don't help her find something. Like, it's like Alice Cooper volunteers and Hal is very upset about it. Why? Maybe because he's a serial killer. So, all right, here's the thing. So the milkman and the story of the milkman, he escaped from an insane asylum and is going on a killing spree.

Is it Hal Cooper that has escaped from prison or an insane asylum in 1955 and that he is the killer? Are we going down like Milkman Howl route? But they can't. It can't be howl, right? I won't be mad though. Listen, this episode was a great episode. I wasn't ready to say best ever, but maybe you're totally right. I think the only thing that's missing in this episode is any connection to anything else about Riverdale,

other than the characters being consistent. But there's no, it doesn't tie into anything that's ever happened before in the way that previous seasons were obviously building on like a mystery. Right. This was just a great standalone episode basically about a makeout party. But if this season managed to bring in, let's say, just a couple of threads, not hundreds of threads, but a couple of our favorite threads from throughout the years, like Hal being a serial killer, that could be fun, right?

I don't think there's any way they're not going to. And I think that's why I love this episode so much because you think about it. All right. The Milkman is now the overarching mystery that needs to be solved. But remember, and sorry, and I'm jumping ahead. Please. But remember when Archie and Betty kiss and there's a moment where they remember something. Like they're they both, because they are both very good actors, they both pulled away and there

was this moment that they had where it's like, we've done this before. and I think that they're going to start remembering. Shit. And I think they're going to slowly start remembering and bringing this stuff in. Oh, my, if they do that and they're able to bring back the best parts of Hal being a serial killer, I will fucking tip my hat, man. Yeah. That's what if season seven just completely nails the dismount? I was not ready for that.

No, this is so, I'm so shocked. In fact, even yesterday, I went to go sit and watch Riverdale and I was like, I've got to watch Riverdale. And Jeff's like, yeah, but last episode was so good. Are you really so upset to watch it? I was like, actually, you're right. I need to change my perspective. Yeah.

Yes. Oh, we get to watch Riverdale. I have to get back into that mindset of like, no, you're right. I did enjoy last episode. And I loved this episode. Yeah. Yeah. No, you're right.

It is like we are back in the golden age and I'm not talking about 1955. I know. Isn't it going to hurt us? I know. I mean, right. It could still dump the shark. But we are now on at least two very good episodes. Episode one, you know, we can, I'm still, still agonizing over the entire Emmett Tillkin's

seat. But I mean, this episode, what was great about it being mostly about a makeup party, but like you said, they did bring in this milkman thing. And so it was like a little bit more darkness than last episode. which had very little darkness. And so that's the thing. Riverdale's got to bring. Well, all the dreams were pretty dark, but we haven't gotten there yet.

And this episode not only brings in the like murdery darkness, but yeah, there was also some like sexy darkness. Like the darkness of homosexuality, you know? As well as like untamed passion in 1955. Yeah. Just like, just the need to be passionate because it is such a sexless, world that they live amongst in 1955. So essentially what happens is that I think part of the reason why, I'm assuming part of the reason why they didn't send Ethel back to her houses because she did find her parents chopped up in the house.

So she probably doesn't want to go back over there. So Juggett's trying to help her out. But then they find the evidence that he was hiding underneath his mattress and they're like, did you help her kill her parents? And they're both like, no, no, no. I'm not just like and then Jughead to get out of being like I'm not just some weirdo I'm not just some loner I'm I was invited to a makeout party later so I got to go to the makeout party so you can't hold me here so they just like let him go and like oh well he's got to go to a makeup I know but why are you telling the principle about the makeup party your makeout party what are you talking about and also related to

Ethel not going back home, Alice is like, Betty, go back to Ethel's house and get her some clothes. And so right after Jughead has snuck in to get the picture that Ethel drew of her dismembering her parents and the series of comic books about the milkman who dismembers people, he hears somebody and he thinks, oh, the police, so he runs out. But it's Betty coming in to get some clothes in Ethel's dresser and just blatantly stealing her copy. of what's the name of the book? Is it human sexuality? Yeah, but by Dr. Kingsley, not of the Ben persuasion, I don't think. But yes, not Kinsey, just Kingsley said.

Right, it's like the Kinsey book, but Riverdale's glamourge egg version. Yes, and it is all about human sexuality. Now, this comes on the heels of all of their first sex ed class, which again was just about flowers. and so Betty steals this book. And this is where I was thinking that I was like, see, this is the problem,

is that Ethel's not getting any play. But technically, before this, Ethel was the only one that knew anything about getting play. Yeah, I love that Ethel had the book on human sexuality in her drawer, and all the rest of these idiots out here are like, oh, what's a boner, you know? What am I supposed to do? How do I get it?

Which I guess, you know, if we weren't raised with the sexuality and porn that we were able to watch, maybe we wouldn't know anything. Not that we knew anything to begin with because we thought that porn was how you were actually supposed to have sex. But that's a different conversation for another episode as well. So I'm just saying, good on you, Ethel. Yes. For having the fuck book. Hell yeah, even though we all know it is a very like scientific fuck book. but that's all they had.

So Betty steals it. And so she essentially is so excited that she has to tell everybody. And because they were so upset about their sex ed education day, Veronica's like, what if I host a makeout party? Now, here's the thing. What does Smithers think about all these kids coming over? Veronica's every move out to Hiram and Hermione. But I guess Veronica just won't get in trouble because Mark Consuelo isn't here.

I guess. So we'll just never see her parents and she can kind of do whatever she wants. Yeah, I guess so. So go for her. Now I forgot that this is actually all kicked off. Oh my God. Can we talk about Lizzo for a second?

Woo! Not to be confused with the other Lizzo. There is a greaser character in this episode, kind of in the vein of who am I thinking from Greece? You know, Stocker Channing's character. character. Rizzo. Rizzo, thank you.

I was like, it's not Lizzo. But yeah, so it's Rizzo, but Lizzo. And she is just enthusiastically encouraging Tony to be like the gay bully, which I really love. She really is just like, oh, yeah, you want to go after the preppy, huh? It's like, oh, what am I not enough woman for you? She's just like doing this like, oh, she looks so hot. And I was just like, I really like staggered. I was sitting down and was like, who is this?

Where did she come from? Because she's like sexually forward And she's real hot And she wears dark lipstick in 1955 And I want a whole section of that woman I do I want more Lizzo And I want

I mean Tony Tony is first of all just so fucking hot So the two And imagining the two of them together Could Lord the tape that I would watch But Tony has set her sights on Cheryl Blossom She will not leave her alone. No.

Her goal seems to be, make her as uncomfortable as possible with just, I mean, it is like the conservative nightmare of what they think homosexuals do with their sexuality. She is just flaunting her homosexuality in Cheryl's face. And Cheryl's like, no, no, although also clearly loves it. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Like that's a thing too, because I feel like the way you say it does kind of sound like she's doing this against Cheryl's will. but like Tony and Cheryl both know that it is not against Cheryl's will.

Cheryl is definitely loving it. But Cheryl was like a very sympathetic character in this episode more so than usual because she's like so clearly like loves Tony and Tony knows it. And so Tony is being very like forward with her. But also Cheryl's clearly like really agonizing about being queer and her mother goes to Julian. Penelope Blossom goes to Julian. Remember fake brother? Fake, oh, fake brother.

And he's such a bastard, too. I love that we can also hate him as a character. I hate him. Hate him. And so Penelope says to Julian, like, I think Penelope is basically like, your sister seems like a lesbian, but she doesn't quite say that. And she's sitting there eating a papaya. And she's, like, and Cheryl's just been in her spare time,

drawn really hot, naked women. Yes, quote unquote, for art class. Right, drawing a lot of naked women. I forgot about that she was spooning out of, papaya. She's swooting out of papaya. Such heavy-handed symbolism for Burrne.

And Penelope is basically like, you seem a little bit gay to be. Julian set your sister up with a boy. And so Julian goes to Archie and is like, hey, date my sister. She's really experienced. Can I, I wrote down this

she dates college guys. You know what they say about girls that like older men. They're a lot more open-minded than high school girls. This is her brother talking about her, shilling her out. And I was so disgusted by the line that I had to write it down. That that is what he says to Archie to get Archie to go on a date with her. Ew, Julian.

Also, like, none of these people seem to have, like, ever done anything more than kiss. So what is he even talking about? Is he talking about like she's going to give you a beech? Like, what is he... I think it is. I think that's what he's implying. But it's like, I don't think that any of these characters. have the depth of sexual knowledge to even like, but of course, Pete, you can suggest somebody's a slut without knowing anything about sex. That was basically all of middle school. So,

oh, yeah. Yeah, so he's like, my sister's a slut. And Archie's like, really great. Oh, cool. Because it's fucking Archie. And so Archie and Cheryl are like, they're not together, but they kind of pretend be together for a little bit of this episode. And I was like having a roller coaster feelings about it. So many feelings about it. And like I could, I, I hate to say this. But like, I thought that like at points of this episode, even though I feel like KJ. Apa in, or not, I shouldn't say KJ.AA.

Archie in 1955 is even dumber than Archie in 2023. Way dumber somehow. But like in a fun, like, comic book kind of way. Right. And like not just like, oh, what a fucking idiot. Yeah. But like he's just also, which makes sense for. a boy, a sophomore in

1955, like he's raging with hormones. Yeah, he's so horny. And like, just the thought, like he just keep, I'm sure, keeps getting boners all over the place and he just wants to be wanted so desperately. And at that age, isn't that like what consumes your brain?

It is kind of funny, though, to see even though, I'm still shocked by how young KJ. Epa is, but it is funny to see a group of actors who are all at least 25, pretending to be like newly sexual, 16. Newly post puberty,

like getting boners all the time. I'm like, KJ. Epa has a child, you know. But it is really, I actually thought Archie is like, there's a scene where he's sitting next to Betty, and poor Betty is so horny. So horny.

And her poor gay boyfriend just is not satisfying her. And so there's a scene where after she's read the human sexuality book, she's sitting next to Archie and Archie's like, they're like, let's practice for the makeup party. And she like scoches closer to him and then puts a hand on his leg and he leaps up and grabs a stuffed animal and puts it over his crotch. And he's like, I'm sorry, buddy, I gotta go.

And it was actually really, really cute. It was very cute. Now this is all, all this sexuality is being spurned on because Tony invites Cheryl to the dark room. Remember where all the beat knicks go, the coffee shop with the beatniks go for a spoken word poetry night. Now, this is where like everyone got so like starting to get horny. So you go there and so essentially Cheryl is on a date with Archie and Betty, because like everyone was going to go to the movies because that's literally the only other thing that they have to do. But somehow everyone's plans got changed to going to the dark room that night.

even like Veronica who's still going after Archie, but she's like loosely going on dates with Julian Blossom. So she's there with Julian, but only so that she can get closer to Archie. And Betty is there with Kevin, but only so that she can get closer to Archie. And also to like, you know, feel something and be in a more intimate situation with Kevin. And then Cheryl's there with Archie, and that's really weird. and T.T. is just there. And she, well, I'm sorry, Titi is performing.

Fang's is there. And also, Fangs is there. And Kevin is there, but not for Betty. He's there for Clay. Yeah. Because like you said earlier, Clay came up to him in just a towel earlier in this episode and was like, I like boys. And Kevin's like, whoa. Ooh. So watching Clay perform.

this spoken word poetry, you could just see Kevin's mouth is a gape. He thinks he's a genius. Also, Clay is like doing like a dark version of the Pledge of Allegiance. He's like lightly criticizing the United States and everyone is like, oh, my lord, I've never, which is that's also kind of fun. 1955. Now, oh my God. Tony got up to perform. And at first I was like, is she about to do the serpent dance? I was like, no, she's not. about to do the serpent dance. She does this rhythmic, spoken word poetry. And then at one point, it just goes back and forth between Cheryl's face and Tony as Tony is just like, just going, take me.

And then it's like, Cheryl going, ah. And then she goes, take me. And Cheryl goes like, ah. Like, just like watching it. It is such a sexy, sexy seed where no sex happens. And I was just like, whoa. Yeah, I actually think that that might have been. That and the dream sequence in this episode might be the sexiest Riverdale has ever been.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I just, I mean, I already have such the hots for Tony and like the character Tony. Again, I try to separate. Well, growing up character, Tony. They're in, she's in her 30s. I'm allowed to say that.

The beautiful woman that plays Tony Topaz is in her 30s. All right. She's hot. She's so hot. She is astonishingly hot. So I'm allowed to say, I don't know why I got, I don't know why. I just feel such guilt in saying it. Vanessa Morgan is her name.

Okay. Yeah, I feel bad I've never learned anything about, I'm like, she's my favorite actress in Riverdale. I don't know her name. I don't know what all she's done. I'm just like, she's Tony and she's hot and she's in her 30s. Because she's Tony in our brains and that's all right. You know, it's difficult to distinguish the character sometimes.

So Cheryl, right after this insane performance is straight up like, Archie, take me home. I got to leave because she's about to slip out of her seat. And then everybody's going to know. Yes. And the snail trail that follows her, she had to go home. So Archie takes her home. And obviously it's not been like a great date because she's kind of been bitchy the whole time. But then Cheryl kisses him on the mouth and he's like, will you walk me to school tomorrow?

Because Cheryl understands and the guilt and the shame that she feels. Cheryl killed this episode. Absolutely. I felt so bad for her. Yes. Because she feels so ashamed about how she feels. Yes. Cheryl has killed literally every single episode of Riverdale she's ever been in.

She never fails even when the show is failing. But this episode, she was so good. Yeah, because she really did do a good job. We're so used to Cheryl being this, like, confident bitch. And it is really interesting to see her be so, like, unmoored. You know, she's like so attracted to Tony. they obviously have so much chemistry but she's so afraid

of being gay that she's just like trying to like smother it down and she's like it's manifesting in her being like furious at Tony and so she's just trying to like make it work with Archie and yeah the feelings I had about seeing them together was like I was like I actually like

kind of enjoy Cheryl and Archie together in the abstract but it's it also was like really I don't know this is very corny to say but I feel like for whatever the show has and hasn't done, they have established the characters and the relationships well enough

that it is kind of like pleasing to see Archie and Cheryl just be like, we're such good friends, let's just give it a try. You know, it's like how sometimes friends that happens and you're like, should we try it? We've all done it before and you try it. Then you're like, no, this is weird.

This is not going where we wanted to go. Yeah, but it felt very honest. Like Cheryl's entire agony, this entire episode felt so honest at her being like, maybe this little, maybe I should just like get with Archie. Like, everybody wants to be with Archie. Like, I'll just do it. Just grit my teeth and bear it.

And that's so sad. It's so sad. And they really, the show really does manage to like, right, in this episode, we see Veronica likes Archie, Betty likes Archie and Cheryl's kind of trying to like Archie. And I think that they actually did surprisingly good job of showing the, the nuance of the three different relationships there. Like with Betty and Archie, it's just this like, you could try to keep it in the bottle, but you can't, like a mutual attraction.

with Veronica and Archie, it's this much more loaded, like they're compatible in these, like, in some ways and, like, so not compatible in others. He's so sincere. She's so, uh, the opposite of sincere. She's a sheel of Wall Street. She's a sheelph of Wall Street.

And, uh, forever. Yeah. And so, so in addition to this extremely sexy poetry reading scene, there is, is it before the makeup party or after the makeup party that we get the dream sequence? It's before. Because that's, so that's the thing is that the dark room,

everybody's, horny. Betty's upset because Kevin's not touching on her. Cheryl and Archie have the weird time and then Kevin can't be with Clay and so everyone's all very frustrated. So it cuts to Betty with her human sexuality book reading it under the covers and then she starts having visions of making out hardcore with Kevin and then it becomes this like jungle sequence where they're

yeah it's like a dance. Yeah. It's like a dance. Yeah. But, like, they're all in chairs, like, making out with each other, but it almost feels like a modern dance sequence. Yeah. And it just. And with jungle music. Yes. And then, like, Archie starts making out with Cheryl. And I was just like, I'm a mouth agape just like, I am so, like, this scene made me so weirdly turned on by Archie.

And I'm never turned on by Archie. I know. And then, like, Archie does this hot makeout session. with Cheryl and then he has this hot makeout session with Veronica and then Cheryl and Tony start making out and then Kevin and Clay start making out and then Betty just straight up straddles Archie and gets on top of him and starts making out with him just like grinding up against him this scene I was just like whee like Jeff I was using like the Therogun on my back, like I was laying on the on the couch face down and Jeff's like you have to stop

Humping. I'm trying to like I'm trying to help your back and I was just like whew! I'm sure Jeff was just like Riverdale, I'm trying to keep my wife calm, okay? Went into overdrive. I couldn't handle myself and I was like this scene was so good. Oh my God. It was just so good. Also, I hope that all the actors like know each other well enough and are cool enough that this was just like I hope please God let this have been a really fun scene to film but they were all just riding on each other. Right. Damn. KJ. Appa had a great day on set. Wow.

Three different women riding on him. All I can think about is how all the stories I hear about how like KJ. Appa is like, you know, arguably very attractive man but also is a very odd duck. And like I can only imagine like the conversations in between these grind sessions that they're all having. He starts speaking at his New Zealand accident and it's just immediately like, oh my God. Oh my God. How that went well then, you know, can you imagine? All I can't imagine. All I told me Lily Ryan heart to hop on that dick.

I just, it was unbelievable, which is what. What spurs on the makeout party? So like the best makeout scene, because in reality, if you do think about it, again, like the last makeout party, I mean, I feel like I've only been to one makeout party and it also didn't go well. Like, do they ever go well? I think that they are inherently never going to go well. No. Like that somebody is always going to get their feelings hurt or like if it's going well, like I've been to one makeup party that was like insoling. sixth grade and it was just like not going well for that reason.

Yes. It was just like everyone was just. It was too, yeah, it was like the desire was there, but the skill was not. No, I was just the ethel at my makeout party. And I was just like, no one wants to make out with me. Awesome. Great. I love being here.

So what did I do? I got like drunk on smearing off, like hot smear enough by myself. So that's what I did. Yeah. Yeah. I think people's feelings are going to get hurt. And at this makeout party, I mean, they did a good job of trying to include, to Veronica's credit, she organized a good makeup party. The first game was the post office, the post office one where everybody got a number, every boy got a number of a girl so that basically every boy got to kiss some random girl.

And actually, I do think that's a more equitable version of a makeup party. Yeah, a good way to kick it off because Cheryl gets fangs, which I'll watch it any day of the week. Yeah. Kevin gets Midge and like we got to give, Midge has got to be more of a character unless she's about to get killed. Yeah. Like do you think that they brought her back to kill her again? Because it was like they're not giving anything to Midge. It's definitely, I know,

Midge is, Midge is giving like her contract requires that she not say more than three words per episode or something. Or otherwise I'd like to pay her more, you know. It's got to be something like that because she's not saying anything. And she, um, so she makes out with Kevin, which of course is, you know, a little stale.

And then that's when Betty kisses Jughead and we see the like moment of remembrance. And I will say I wasn't crazy because... Oh, is that what that was? Yes, in the recap, the one that I'm looking at right now, they did say, did we sense a hint of that old hashtag bughead connection there? And so I do think that this is going to... Or like maybe it's just going to be through Lily Reinhart.

Because you think about it, who's the biggest of... the like, you know, detectives here. It's always Jughead and Betty. So maybe they're going to be the ones that start remembering through their connection. Oh, shit, I love that. I actually felt bad during this kiss because I know that Lily Reinhart and Cole Spouse don't like each other.

I felt bad too. I felt bad too. I thought I honestly, I'm such a dupe. I thought that moment of recognition was the actors. Like, I thought that was like a little moment of like, we are exes and we have Are you doing this? Yeah. That's what I saw it as.

But of course, they are gifted actors, playing characters. And that little moment was the character. I actually love the idea of them being the ones to remember and then work together on it. I don't love that for Lily and Cole. No. I love it for us.

I love it for us. But then Veronica sets it up so she kisses Archie. And she kisses Archie. And I love this. Fang says, she's going to suffocate him. And then Tony says, but what a way to go. I love that. And that made me slip out of my seat.

But what a way to go. And it was, I love to that, like, in this world, we never had the, like, Fangs and Tony get weirdly, like, married and are by, but kind of stop being queer because they get married and have a kid and just, like, don't ever get to be queer in the show anymore, which was what happened last season. And in this season, they're just, like, we just know they're both queer and their best friends. And like, that's what I love about Tony and Fanks' relationship and the whole serpents thing being like, we are like the sexual deviants and we are really cool with each other and you guys are the squares, you know? Yes.

And they're bringing, oh, not tonight, though. Now everybody's getting it tonight. But then what ends up happening is that everyone has to pair off and Veronica does not want to be with Julian. So she goes with Jughead. And it was really cute scene because, like, they never have scenes together. I was thinking the same thing. I loved this scene. Right?

And Veronica and Jughead just like hit it off. And they like talked about horror movies. Yeah. Just talked for hours. And apparently they stayed up like most of the night but like not making out just talking to each other. Which is adorable. Yes. And it was it's like a relationship that they've never, that the show has never invested in developing.

Ever. Because they weren't kissing. And it was actually really satisfying to just be like, yeah, you guys are best friends. You're like part of a quattro that is best friends. friends. So like, let's see you guys hang out. And like, I mean, in this universe, they're not best friends, but we know, we know who they are. Yeah. And so it was really fun and satisfying to see them just have like a platonic friendship scene. Yeah. I loved it. And then I will say I was triggered by what Betty is going through with Kevin, trying to straddle him and being like,

why aren't you into this? And I was just like, been there, girl. Oh, I've been there many a time. When Mitch has to kiss Kevin and he's like moving his head around and she just grabs his face and goes, Stop moving your head. Poor Kevin. Again, she's been getting it with things. Kevin is just like, I know he's closeted and I know it must like, I know that we're supposed to like have such compassion for Kevin and we do. But because they've just always made Kevin so pathetic, Kevin is just like, oh, I don't know, I kiss anybody, you know. And it's just like, Kevin, come on.

Give him a little more. He's going to start making out with clay in, like, the janitor's closets here pretty soon. I hope so. Because I know we did have Kevin with fangs, but even Kevin has just, they've always kept Kevin. Like, they haven't really, and despite the fact that he's always cruising in the woods, they don't actually give Kevin, like, a sexuality that we really see. It's his sexuality has always been kind of cordoned off. Like, he's in the woods.

You know, he's dating fangs. But, like, he doesn't get like a, like, a grinding sex scene. No, I see it. We saw a little bit of that with him. Clay in this episode that way in the dream sequence and that was nice. And so Betty's really upset. So she eventually, the next day will give him the Dr. Kingsley human sexuality book to see if hopefully he will learn something because she is just not getting it.

She's just not getting the fact that he's gay. And that is the big issue here. She's just not seeing it. And while all of this is happening, oh my God, talk about like I felt so bad during the seen, I wanted to feel sexy between Cheryl and Archie, but you could tell that Cheryl is just doing it desperately trying to like, I don't know if she actually loses her virginity with Archie that night. She claims to. But like, if she did that to try and desperately not be gay, that hurts my fucking soul. Yeah, she comes back and tells Penelope and Julian like, well, congratulations, you did

it and Archie pinned me. And yeah, she has like the Cheryl, like, flair, but she does seem very unhappy. Sad about it. And it made me feel really sad. But then again, it's because I legitimately cared about the characters this episode. Because it was a great fucking episode. Yeah, it was. I just was completely lost track of time and didn't realize we're at the end of this episode of Riverdale Rano.

Because I was like, I could keep talking about this. Oh, we, I know. That's why I'm trying to like, I'm heading towards him. Yeah. Maybe just watch it. You know what happens. You know what's going to happen with it. But at least watch that dream sequence.

Yeah. Mamma me. Whoa. And like we always say, we love the experimental stuff, the music, the, the dances, the, you know, and when Riverdale gets weird. And like, they killed it in this. Absolutely. And thank you guys so much for joining us this week on Riverdale Roundup.

I hope that you got as slippery, slippery as we did, because good Lord. And again, we didn't even get into the character of Lizzo. which is just I hope Lizzo comes back. Please Lizzo come back because I want to see more of that raven hair beauty, good lord. Oh, I love a serpent. And I love you guys. Don't worry. We'll be back soon.

Thank you so much, MJ. Thank you, Jackie. Oh, the season's just going to keep getting gayer and gayer. How fun is that? Yes. All right, love you guys. Talk to you soon. Bye.

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