Page 7 - Riverdale Roundup Ch. 122 & 123: Archie's Penis is Going to Fall Off

Episode Date: May 6, 2023

This episode is Jackie's chance to remind everyone she was a Literature AND Theatre Major! Page 7 and Wizard and the Bruiser are going on TOUR! Dates and links to tickets at lastpodcastnetwork.com Support us on our Patreon page and get weekly bonus Patreon-exclusive content! Patreon.com/Page7Podcast Intro song by Green Dreams Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey guys, it's Jackie Zabrowski, and Page 7 and Wizard and the Bruiser are going back on tour with the Release the Butthole Cut tour. We're coming to your town. Hold it. Where are we going? Salt Lake City, Denver, Colorado, Las Vegas. We're going to Portland, Oregon, Tacoma, Washington, Oklahoma City, Kansas City, and St. Louis, Missouri. Where can they find tickets, MJ? For tickets, go to Lastpodcastnetwork.com. What's that again? Lastpodcastnetwork.com. Hell yeah.

Howdy, do we have some things to talk about today? Yes, we were not here for last week's episode, but today we are going to be talking about both season seven, episode five, and episode six, which technically were two halves of the same episode. Which I did not notice for the record. To be continued. It said to be continued on the bottom of the episode five. So it's like we knew that.

And like we've been talking to the Riverdale Writers. They let us know when we can take our breaks so that we can be kept up with Riverdale. We're all synced up like a bunch of college rooms. Yeah, and wolves. We're like wolves. Like a bunch of wolves sink up, right? College living together.

Wolves in college living together. Oh, I mean, I'm reading Crescent City, but I won't go down that road right now. This is not the mass verse, Jackie. We're talking about Riverdale. No, first we're starting off with Chapter 122. Tales in a jugular vein. Again, two more episodes.

Knocking it out of the park. I can't believe this is the same show. I can't believe it. This episode, both episodes were fantastic. And the first one we're talking about, the comic anthology one, was so fucking good. I was by myself in the house. Gideon was at Nightcourt.

And I was watching it and I was just like, holy shit, this is good. I love this. It's just shocking. Yes, like you said, this first episode was essentially Jughead was the narrator and it was in the tune of, oh my God, my brain just stopped working. What's the name of the show? Cryptkeeper. Oh, Tales from the Crypt.

I was going to say, are you afraid of the dark? But also, I guess, are you afraid of the dark was a little child's version of Tales from the Crypt? And also because in it, like, so in this, Jughead is trying to write because he got a job for Pep Comics. He's able to write a full episode issue is the word for comics. Oh, God, is it going to be one of these episodes? It's very early for me. I apologize. I just woke up.

So I've got Wake Up Brain. And I am drinking my first cup of coffee with you guys. So cheers. Cheers. Good morning to you. Good morning. Let's talk about Riverdale. And, you know, I just, right.

So it was a, it was like a hymn as a narrator. It was just a weird. It was like one of the weird experimental Riverdale's. And you know, we love the weird experimental Riverdales. It was like, what if this is, suddenly we're taking a break

from the normal plot lines. And I guess, you know, I realized we often criticize this show or complain that it is, since it's a network show and not a streaming show, there's way too many episodes per season. But I realized during this episode

that maybe because you have all this room on a regular, you know, 20 episode network arc, you have room to be like, okay, one of these episodes is not going to advance the plot. Yeah. One of these episodes is just going to be a stylistic experiment like Tales from the Crypt episode.

And of course, they've done all their musical episodes and everything, and this was a classic, classic version. But I loved this so much more than the... This is like my musical episode. Like what a musical episode is to MJ, this, like, creepy anthology episode is to Jackie because... I love horror, and this was so campy horror-based. It was very much like a creep show, but what's cool is that Juggeda's narrator wrote this character

called The Keykeeper, and the keykeeper is the narrator inside of the comic book, and they go, so it's all high school stories of horror. So the first story is called Keep Your Head in the Game, and it's about Dilton Doily, which we remember the ye old boy scout and if you forgot about him remember all the boy scouts that lived the orphan boy scouts that lived in the woods that were murderers if i remember i remember yeah there was just droves and droves of orphaned children living in the woods of riverdale one of the many unresolved plot lines introduced and long story short in this dilton doylee is just a bit of a nerd and And he has to play basketball at P.E. every day. And he's not good. And all the boys hate him. So they lock him in a locker overnight, even though he is morbidly claustrophobic. And in the morning, he was a changed man, a madman, you might say. And essentially, he cut off all the heads of the basketball players and then started playing basketball with their heads. And he just started

saying over and over again, got to keep my head in the game, got to heat my head in the game, got to heat my head in the game. And you know what? It was great. Yeah, it was great. And again, there was no plot. I can't emphasize enough how little plotline advancement there was. And it was like a class, it was also like my frame of reference for this, of course, of the Simpsons Treehouse of Horror, where when I was a kid and I would watch those, I was always really confused that like if something happened in Treehouse of Horror, it didn't, there was no like continuity back to the regular show, you know? And so like in this episode, episode at first I was like, it took me a minute to adjust to it. And I was like, well,

Archie's being a dick to Dilton Doiley. That's like totally out of character. He's like also a bully. But then I realized like, oh no, this is like a little suspended. This is a little treehouse of horror suspended from everything else that's going on. And this is just to make these like fun little creepy stories. And yeah, the first one, they totally, totally nailed it and set us up for what I believe is the next one, which I think Jackie probably loved, which is, the sex-raised Cheryl. Like you were talking about, I was like, Nana Rose, she's back.

Nana Rose is back. She might not dead anymore. I think she just might be back for the anthology episode because, yes, Nana Rose was here. Also, I will get to the part where Dr. Cardinal Jr. makes an appearance. Thank God. It's been long enough.

Where have you been? And Nana Rose is back. Oh, my God. So Archie on a dark and stormy night, his jalopy has broken. Because we're still in 195, right? 1955, Archie. And he doesn't have a phone, so he knocks on Thornhill's door.

And Anna Rose is like, oh, yes, you can come in and spend the night. And so she gives him some tea and starts telling her this story. But essentially, it was just like, you can stay here. But you must not open the door. One rule. I love it when the lead breaks the one rule that he's got. Absolutely love it. leaves the door

He leaves the door up and because he finds out that the reason why he has to leave his door closes is because there's a sex crazed maniac that lives in the house that apparently Cheryl is ravenous she can't keep her hands to herself so Archie horn dog that he is in this episode

keeps the door open waiting for Cheryl to come and fuck him in the middle of the night she does she comes she thucks Oh my God, it's such a fun fuck scene. And then in the morning, he finds out from Nana Rose that Cheryl has leprosy. And so Archie,

presumably, I think that that means that Archie's penis is going to fall off. And that apparently, to Cheryl, now Cheryl thinks that after last night, we are going to be together forever and ever, till death do us part. So I guess they're both gonna die of leprosy. Well, and also, not only does she have leprosy,

but like he couldn't see her in the dark. It was like a dark fuck scene. And then... And then Naderose is like, oh, I hope you didn't mind my horrifying granddaughter. And then he realizes, like, in the light of day that not only does Cheryl have leprosy, she's like a horrifying monster looking.

She's a monster. How do you like... hook up with someone and not realize their skin is peeling off their face. I know. I was like, I mean, how dark was it? Did you just, just fucking not touch? But we'll let them have this one. It was, it was legit.

Yes. Like, I was actually, I was like, this is really good. And then moving on to Betty's hairdo because Betty wants to be the ginchiest girl in town. I love how often they say ginchy. It really, like, like, they love the word ginchy as much as we. Love the word Gingchi? Yes.

I feel like all this Riverdale staff, writing staff, like, went to their moms and were like, tell us your favorite adjective from your youth. Because I feel like my mom definitely says Ginchie sometimes. Does she really? Or at least maybe she has used it, like, knowing that it is a dated word. But every time they say Ginchie, I'm like, I feel like this is a mom word. Like a genuine, you know, like this was actually part of the vocab back then. And it just, they make it a little secret drinking game.

Like every time they say Ginchy, you're going to have three drinks over the course of these two episodes at least. They realize that Ginchie is the best word because essentially it does just mean like sexy, sexy cool. So I guess they use this word. This is the first time I've ever heard the word Ginchie. Yeah, they're the ginchiest girls. Veronica says it again in the following episode. But I guess that's because I didn't realize these were two episodes in a pod. A pod, man.

Two peas in a pod that we're going after. Now, Betty wants to, now this also goes hand in hand with this next episode. Betty wants to feel sexy. And she's a ponytail princess and she doesn't want to be anymore. So she gets a beehive. And she's constantly hairspraying her beehive. And she becomes the ginchiest girl in school. And Archie takes her out.

And oh my God, he can't even believe it. But what happens? Oh, my God. Well, this scene also kind of creep me out because like Betty's going to sleep and you just see this spider web shadow cast on her face. And then the next day she's dancing and she collapses and she starts seizing and then she dies. And this is where we get to see Dr. Curdle Jr. Well, maybe it's just Dr. Curdle. I don't know if it's Dr. Curl Jr.

He saws off the beehive and a bunch of spiders come out of it because, a black widow spider had crawled into her hair and laid eggs and then the spiders chewed into her brain. Yeah. This was also really scary and really upsetting. And it was right. It was like, I actually, by this point in the episode, I was like, I'm not sure if I actually understand this one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We don't need to. But it was because she was so vain, her vanity killed. Yes. So these are all, you know, they're like comic lessons. Because again, this is Jughead writing all of these. Oh, and we didn't even mention that the meta structure of each of these stories, as he's telling each of these stories, the like, you know, the way he's telling them is that he's sitting at his typewriter, but Veronica is there. And remember, Jughead and Veronica have hit it off as like a little, you know, noir detective hair duo at Riverdale. And so. he's telling her like his stories as they go. And so after each story, we get like a little feedback from Veronica.

And then she gives the ultimate feedback at the end. But so that is also the context here. He's, he's making these little moral lessons in the story and kind of telling them to Veronica as we experience these tales. And of course, that's why at this point, Veronica is like, I haven't had a lead in any of these stories yet. So you should write one for me. So what does he do? He writes a story about a three. threesome between Betty, Veronica, and Archie, which, man, I tell you, when this, when this, like,

section started, it was like, don't even get, it was like, are we get, what are we going to do? We're going to get, like, a high school three-way kiss? What are we going to have? Are we going to have, like, all of them in a bathtub together? I mean, we've definitely been waiting for a four-sum here for years, so we got close. We got close because this, this part of the anthology was all about Veronica and Betty are both dating Archie and he tells them both you're my favorite

and that's what he tells all the boys at school he's like that's how you date more girl more more ginchy girls at once you tell him each that you're my favorite and which I appreciate very woke of them that Veronica and Betty both know about

each other they know that they're both dating Archie they just want to be the one that wins overall but instead of working against each other, they decide to work together. And that also goes hand in hand with the next episode. And it is, and you know, I've actually done some reflecting on this with the entirety of Riverdale. And I will say that this is one thing that they have done consistently, which they definitely should get credit for because it is really fun, which is that, of course, the whole single premise of original Riverdale,

as I understand, is that both girls want Archie. And like, that was a, that was just, enough to just ring that premise dry for every comic book, right? And so what Riverdale, especially in this episode and the next episode, but also really throughout its history from season one and the first few episodes of like the seven minutes in heaven party that they do in the very, very early in Riverdale is they flip it from being the two girls are fighting with each other over Archie to even though both girls like Archie, the two girls are also always good to each other, or if not always good to each other, they are ultimately, there is like some sister there that you can always count on. And I think that

that is actually totally praiseworthy. That they, it's beautiful. It's great. That the entire, the entire driving character arc of this new Riverdale is that rather than having it be two girls fighting over Archie, it is two girls who both like the same guy, but despite that, are working together, always figure out a way to work together. And I do think that's beautiful. It is. And that's why, what do they do? They both

go to Archie, and they're like, hey, Archie, because you won't, you know, essentially, because you won't choose one of us, what if you have both of us? So tonight, because, oh yeah, I also forgot that this is because Valentine's Day came. And he told both Betty and Veronica,

that he was going to take his mom out for Valentine's Day, but he instead takes out Cheryl. And not only does he say he's taking his mom out, he says he's taking his mom out because it's her first Valentine's Day since his dad died. Yes. So he invokes the death of his dad to get this, like, night off from dating him, which of course the real Archie would never do that. He's far too moral.

And I actually liked immoral Archie in this, in this little anthology, because he was a dick to Dilton Doyley in the first, story. And then in the last story, he's just like a total dick player in a way that real Archie could never, could never. And yeah, so he lies about his dad's, like his mom being sad about his dad's death to say that he can't go out with him. And then instead he goes out with Cheryl. And of course he brings her to Pops because there's nowhere else to go. And can we also just do quick sidebar? KJ. Appa is killing it. I know. He is so good at being 1950s campy.

like he's so good at it. I know fucking 25 year old KJ. Epa. Dude. Absolutely. He has really, it took him this long for us to really like him,

but I am going to hand it to him. He is absolutely killing it. And you're right. It's because the like slight camp of this entire season. And he's not doing it too heavy handedly. No. Like it's not annoying.

It's just like ever so slightly. He's a little bit more innocent. Like he's a little bit more wide. died and he's like employing all these 50s expressions and there's just something about it that really suits him. Yes. All of them are real. I'm so mad and how good that they're doing this season. Yeah. I enjoy watching it now. Cole Spouse is also fucking killing it. I have to say. And so Lily Reinhard, don't even get me. Don't even get me. I know. And I think I might like Veronica more than I've ever liked her before. Yes. Yes. Both as a character. The actor's always been great, but I like the character

this season more than ever before, no question. Because that's what these characters they decide to do, so they're going to take Archie out on a date, but they want to take him to the shop room in the high school and he's like, why? And they said, because it's soundproof and we plan on making a lot of noise and that I was like ooh mehazza so they show up at the shop class but this is the fun part and they give Archie because throughout all of this

he has to he's always drinking coffee because he has to keep up his energy because he's got to date all these girls so they give him some coffee and it's like it's like we got sleeping bills in it or something and that he wakes up and he's strapped to the shop table and they have the table saw and then they saw him into pieces. They cut him in half. They go.

So then they each have one half of him. Each girl gets one half and I believe which one gets the dick. I can't remember. Betty gets the dick, which makes a lot of sense. Yeah. And Veronica gets the head. Yeah. Also legit upsetting and scary.

They did such a good job. It was the absolutely, you know, Treehouse of Horror, Tales from the Crips struck the perfect note. And while it didn't advance any plots, Jackie has alerted me today that didn't put it together myself. But it really did basically set up a lot of the themes that we then get in this week's episode about both about Betty and Veronica, both pining for Archie. But Veronica basically kind of like deciding that she, that her friendship with Betty is what's most important that she's going to help her. Archie's issues with basketball. Oh, she's issues with basketball.

But then also at the very end, before we jump into the next episode at the very end, after Jughead has told all these stories to Veronica, Veronica is like, hey, fuck this. All of these stories are misogynistic because they all, like, use women as, you know, just kind of tools to advance the storyline. Shallow crazy killers, I believe is what she said. But at the same time, if they were damsels in distress, wouldn't she also be upset?

I'd rather than be shallow crazy killers. That was the thing. I actually like really didn't agree with Veronica's critique of Jenner's writing at all because I feel like the critique would be like if there weren't any women in your stories. But the whole thing is that it's about like, it's about crazy killers. You're writing stories about crazy killers.

So yeah, either the men are going to be the crazy killers or the women are going to be the crazy killers. And I, for one, think it's much more fun to have the women be the killers. Because women always get killed. So it's more fun to have them be the killers. I was very shocked that she took it that way. Yeah, that was stupid. Yes, I'm glad that you felt that way because I was, I was like,

I wanted to just cut that part out of the episode because I would have loved the episode. I mean, I still love the episode, but just that, one thing like okay Veronica get off your soapbox it did feel like it was just like well why are you even why do we even have to like make this point but because it was it was a point that she made in advance of the plot line which was then now suddenly Judget and Veronica are not cool anymore

they're not like they're not I don't remember what kissing cousins but like what like set of characters from a noir film that they were saying they were but Marilyn Monroe and Arthur Miller. Is that what they said? They said they were no longer the Marilyn Monroe and Arthur Miller of Riverdale High. I forgot that it was that. Maybe I forgot that it was that because that doesn't really make any sense. But okay. I wrote it down because I was like, what? I mean,

I guess they stumped. Maybe it was several other episodes ago that didn't they invoke a different set characters, like actual film characters? Yes, they did because they were talking to each other about like the old movie. Yeah. They forget which ones it was. Yes. Okay. So in this one, they were the Arthur Miller and Marilyn Monroe.

Marilyn Monroe. I mean, Veronica wishes. I'm sorry, but. Whoa. I mean, I guess, throwing it down. That is, and that also comes out in this episode that like everyone's like, oh, Veronica has so much status. Veronica is so cool.

Veronica's so sexy. She's like the only one in the school who really knows about sex. But does she? So anyway, that's where we end the first of these two that we're talking about, which is that Jughead's like,

oh, what do? You don't like my stories? And now he and Veronica are not cool anymore, which again, I think Veronica's critique of him is wrong and I think she overreacted. Suddenly they're not even friends anymore

because she thinks that his comic book stories were like not feminist enough. But anyway, and that's where we lay. I think they'll come back around. They've got all the interests. They have the same interests. I was really rooting for that.

Not sexually, but I think friend-wise. I was really friend-wise. And I would also consider rooting for them sexually. I mean, they each need somebody. Yeah, we need kissing. And we definitely get kissing in this next episode, Chapter 123, Peep Show. Oh, I, oh, God, the end of this episode. But we are going to start at the beginning.

Because speaking of Veronica being known as the one that knows about sex. who does Betty turn to in this episode because Betty, like in the last episode, is kind of feeling not sexy. And she doesn't know anything about sex and she keeps reading about sex. She's horny as the day is long, though. Oh, God, is she horny?

She is, like, awakened after finding Esther's, or Ethel's book. And, right, and so, and of course, she's a little bit defeated with her boyfriend being gay and everything. And so, right, she goes to Veronica to be like, you are the one, you are the Marilyn Monroe, apparently, of this high school. You know, you know everything about sex. Please tell me how to do it. And Veronica's like, actually, I haven't gone all the way.

Virgin. Uh-oh. But I, you know what? I really appreciate that this episode did. And I know that there's lots of other things that happened in this episode. But I like the fact that they lean into, you don't have to have to have. sex to be sexy. And I like that that was like one of the things you can take from this episode because

that's what Veronica teaches Betty about is how to carry yourself and be sexy without having to have sex. You don't have to do that. You can just like have this like certain just like, ooh, mystery about you, like things like wearing lingerie and just how you hold yourself and your confidence. Confidence is very sexy. And to that point, too, they're doing a great. job of being like it's 195 obviously like casual sex like open casual sex is not really a thing

and in fact it is like super frowned upon but and so I loved how Veronica was like well I haven't gone all the way but like here are some ways that you can like feel really sexy and and that it's more about how you feel about yourself than it is about whether you're having sex with other people and I just feel like Riverdale is actually walking a great line of being like because you can imagine a world, especially for a show that is like marketed to teenagers where it's like, you don't have to have sex to be sexy. You can just feel good about yourself. But it's still very pro sex. It's still incredibly sexy. And it's all like obviously all these horny teenagers want to have sex. But Veronica's, you know, loving message to Betty is like actually, regardless of whether

you can find a boy that you want to have sex with, like the most important thing is for you to like embrace your own And here's how you can do that. I can do it. Now, while all this stuff is going on, there is, I will say this part of the episode, I didn't really care about, I didn't care about the plagiarism, I didn't care about Jughead with the Pepp comics. Yes. So essentially, Brad Rayberry.

Brad Rayberry, which, yeah, I get you, Riverdale. Brad Rayberry, we get you. Because Jughead is working for Pep Comics. But he notices that some of the issues are very, very, you know, very, you know, but he gets you. similar to Brad Rayberry's short stories and that there is plagiarism afoot. So he goes to Mr. Fieldstone and he's like, there's plagiarism afoot. And Mr. Fieldstone doesn't give a shit. So he goes to Brad Rayberry and says there's plagiarism afoot.

And for some reason, this dude who is a very well-known writer is like, why don't we just like start hanging out? Why don't I start hanging out with this 16-year-old? Wouldn't that be great? And I know that it's like, oh, it could be like a mentorship. But like if a 16-year-old shows up at your door, finds out where you live in 195, shows up at your door, tells you that there's plagiarism of foot. And then you're like, why don't we start hanging out all the time? I think it's a little weird to jump.

Yeah, it is, this must be one of those plotlines where they are laying track for something to happen in the future. Because you're right. This was like a completely inconsequential plotline that had nothing to do with anything else. They're just, as they do, leading very hard into like jugheads a writer, jug heads a writer, jug heads a writer, and we get it. And I just feel like there must be, I don't know why we had this whole Brad Brad Rayberry diversion because it meant nothing. But there must be setting up some way that Jughead's going to become like a high stakes. You know, I don't know. I can't even really, obviously, him being a writer is the sort of central conceit of the entire season slash series. But I also have no thoughts on this plotline. It was just a nothing. I didn't care. And so like he's trying to get Brad Rayberry to read his short stories to give him advice and validation. And I think that this is also leading up to like a big thing of censorship. I think is where this is going. I think it's like it's so sexy. It's so. And I think that like especially because like the principal throughout this is like down with

comic books. Comic books are the bane of the existence of our high school. So I wonder if they're going to do like almost like take away the idea of dancing or take away the idea of singing and make it into a musical episode or like something like that. You see, this is why you got to watch with Jeff because I have, I never have any insight about what the show might be doing or working towards, I know whether I liked it or not, but I don't ever have a broader takeaway from it. And I feel like you always do. And I'm not trying to credit Jeff. That's your special brain also. I appreciate that. But yes, it is because we do talk. We pause the episodes and we discuss.

It's like a college class with you guys. Like you don't, you don't just sit there and consume Riverdale. You're like, all right, this is a text we are diving into this week. What do we have? What are our themes? I do. I view it as, you know, like I, I would. was well, literature, double major. Not to, yeah, theater, literature. And so, yeah, I know how to get into the meat of a story. So I like to drop that every once in a while. Just remind everybody in the literature and theater double major.

But I learned that in the Akitar trailer. So I'm glad that you're just dropping that every few weeks. You should just say that into a microphone. Just pepper it in. Pepper it in because it never mattered before this. So that's why I'm peppering it in now. perhaps the least useful double major ever in order to get a job. At least.

Two. Oh, who gives a shit literature and theater? It's worked for you, though. I guess. You are the one person on earth who has made those two degrees work for you. Jam them together. I say this as a person whose major was Humanities, Media, and Cultural Studies. So I love it useless major.

I love a major that no one even understands what it is. So we, we, that's what, that's what college is for. man. Yeah, man, go figure some shit out. Who cares? Discover yourself. It doesn't matter anyway, unless you're trying to become a doctor or a lawyer or something that you need that undergrad for. But if you're just doing undergrad, ah. Yeah. Enjoy. Enjoy. But you know what? That's what Jughead was doing with Brad Rayberry. He was enjoying his experience with him. And then this is very dumb. He steals a manuscript from him, which I believe it was what was, it was a play on the market. Martian, Martian. Did you freeze? Martian, Martian, Martian. Yeah, I froze.

Yeah, it was a technical error. Martian Chronicles, the Chronicles, the Martian Chronicles. Then what was it in it? It was like the Jupiter files or something. This is another allusion that I missed. To Ray Bradbury. Yeah, it's just another Ray Bradbury story. And so he steals it, he reads this manuscript, and then he goes back.

Like, why would you do that? I don't. You steal the manuscript. and then you go tell him like, hey man, I stole your manuscript. It's really good. And you should totally get this published. And he flips the fuck out. He's like, you fucking stole for me.

Give me my manuscript back. No, get out of here. Again, I just don't even, I don't understand what this could be leading to, but you're right. It's going to be some sort of censorship thing. But yeah, so then he gets, he gets banished by Radbury. And that's basically all that happens with Jughead this episode. Yeah, because then, like, you know, the principle is about. upset because he's given the home room of horrors, which is what Jughead wrote, the one where his

name Jugged. Also, he's going by Jughead Juggler Jones now, by the way. So that's the issue that he wrote that came out. And he says that it's like Hydra, cut off one head, two more grow in its place, which it's comic books, dude. But you know, that's fine. And while all this is happening, Can we put Uncle Frank in a grave? I can't believe. I hate Uncle Frank. I can't believe. Frigant Uncle Daddy is back.

Uncle Daddy is back and he is, he's got a mustache and he is a pain in the ass now. He's still bad. He's always been bad. And the last time we saw him, he was, you know, I'm a mercenary or whatever. I'm a contract killer in a rock or whatever. And then he obviously was like a henchman for Percival and all of the stuff we would rather put behind us and never speak of again. And now he's back. Percival is a bad word in here.

I know. I will say I hear the word Percival and like something in me dies. I know. I'm like, oh, am I about a show I hate? No, I love this show right now. We love this version of it. But Uncle Daddy is so far we've had a lot of complaints, but it's because we haven't gotten to the Betty and Veronica plot line yet. And the Cheryl and the TT plotline.

And the Cheryl, the TT plotline. Thank you. You're right. So, yeah. So Archie's plotline is just that his uncle daddy is back and he's on his case and he takes away his car. And he's like, try out for the basketball team. And Archie's like, no, I can't do that. And it turns out it's because Archie used to play basketball with Luke Perry.

And he doesn't want to play it anymore because it will make him think about Luke Perry who died in World War II. Actually, it's the Korean War. Oh, is it the Korean War? I said World War II and Jeff was like, it's actually the Korean. Thank you. I was like, oh, okay. This is what you get for never learning about the Korean War in public schools. I never learned about the Korean.

I know, I never learned about the Korean War either. And I was like, wait, 1950. It hasn't World War II been over for a while? But I was like, I guess it was World War II? I looked at Jeff and I was like, was Korea that close to World War II? And he's like, oh, yeah. I was like, I had no idea. I had absolutely no idea.

I feel safe enough to admit this here. That sadly enough, I didn't know. But again, watching it with a Jeff. This is why you need a Jeff. But so, yeah, Archie's like, I can't play basketball. But then Julian Blossoms being a huge dick to him. And Uncle Daddy's like, well, if you don't want to play, then you can be the water boy. And it's like, why is Uncle Daddy even allowed to be here?

Molly Ringwald is like, back off. And it's like, can't you just tell him like, fuck off you're not this guy's dad? to get out of here, but she's not. And so he comes in because essentially, like, he's just disrespecting his mother and he's coming in trying to be, he's trying to be new daddy, but he's being, it's just too much. Right. I get right.

Because he did, he did like, you know, almost have to marry Cheryl because of the rumor that they went all the way and whatnot. So I guess he needs a daddy figure in his life. And, but yeah, Uncle Daddy's obviously still, like they, Riverdale wants us to know. Uncle Daddy is still bad, still has like nefarious things driving. We don't know why he's so bad. I don't think it's just because he's an asshole. I think he's probably working for some evil entity.

And then Pop comes out and is like Archie, because also Uncle Daddy makes Archie get a job as like the gas boy at Pops. And then Pops is like, Archie, I remember when your dad used to play basketball, he was so good. And Archie's like, yeah. My dad and I love basketball and Pops is like, yeah. And then Archie's like, you, yeah. Pop with his just, pop with his barely any plot lines just kind of exists.

Just another like, unfortunately another one of like the like black magical characters that they bring in. I am a magical black man who has no depth to my character, but I will ask you like a lot of leading questions that help advance your plotline. And so he's like, oh, I wonder why you're. not playing basketball. Archie explains. And then Archie is like, you know what? I will play basketball. And then Julian Blossom's like, can you even play basketball? And then Archie, Steph Currys it and makes a three-pointer from where he's standing. One. Yes. Just immediately because he's good at basketball. And I find it interesting that 1955 Archie is so into basketball. Meanwhile, present day Archie was very into football. So maybe that's a distinct. Is that a 1955 distinction about a sport?

I don't know. That's a good question. It would have been fun if they had like the old timey football uniforms because football uniforms used to look so different, you know. But maybe this is an excuse to have some old timey basketball uniforms and all the men are going to be wearing really short shorts. Ooh, I'm here for it. I'm also here for the old timey vixen.

Yes, let's talk about the women. Let's get past the boys of this episode. The boys are giving us headaches. We got to talk about the girls. because yes and please, can you dig it? Every time Tony says, can you dig it? I want to melt into a puddle and go into the superbrates. I love it.

And I love, yeah, there's also some more Lizzo in this episode who I know Jackie has been clamoring for more Lizzo. And she refers to Cheryl as a closet case. And I was like, yeah, I love that like, I love that the like gay teens have like much cooler like slang than the non-gay teens. Especially when Lizzo is like, you've got a crush on Cheryl, don't you? That's what I wrote it down. That's one cherry lollipop I'd happily lick. That's what Lizzo says about Cheryl.

And I was just like, melt, melt, I'm melting. That's when cherry lollipop, I'd happily lick. Wow. Yeah. So I love what happens for Cheryl in this episode Because as you guys might remember, I've been say kind of lamenting even though it is realistic to see Cheryl struggling so much because she is gay It's kind of like destabilizing to see Cheryl be so like not confident.

Right. Like Cheryl is the one. She's also killing these episodes. She's like her vulnerability in this episode was beautiful. I know. I'm obsessed with the actress who plays Cheryl. I think she is just so good. But I've really missed, like, confident, you know, one-liner. Bitchy Cheryl, yeah, who, like, always has the perfect, perfect, perfect artful series of little quips to say. And it's because she's, you know, she loves Tony. She's realizing that she's gay and she doesn't, it's 1955, so that's terrifying. And so in this episode, we get to see her finally, coming back to herself a bit in the way of she is still the captain of the vixen's. And so she gets to be her like bitchy self or whatever.

But then Tony comes in to audition and we get yet another Tony dancing. And then we get like this like artsy montage where it's like slowing down. And she's doing her pomp. Oh my gosh. She's got her butt and just wow. I hope that the actress who plays. Tony is just like loving the season because she just gets to have so much fun being like, I am the sexy out and proud, you know, queer black woman of the 1950s, mostly white high school.

And I get to be like, she's like the only character who like loves herself, you know, and knows herself. Humana, hama, hama, which is why it's so hot. So, so hot. And so finally her and she all like connect and they like speak it. And she's like, you know, Cheryl, like, says, I like girls. And Tony's like, I realize I like girls as much as boys. And this is when I realized it. And like, and so they actually, like, have a moment where they really, like, talk about it and acknowledge that they both like each other.

But also in this moment, oh, my God, when Tony, like, kind of backs her up to the locker and puts her arm up over Cheryl as she's talking to her, I was just. like, there's, that is forever. I don't know if that's just like a 14 year old thing, but there's something about being backed up against a locker where someone leans up over you on the locker because no one ever happened to me. Oh, never happened to me. That was never happened to me. I wanted it to happen to be so desperately.

And watching that scene, I was just like, oh, yeah, press, against lock. Yes. Oh, no. What if someone walks in? Oh, no. Like I was just like so tight and horny. and I can't believe we have talked about this plotline for this many minutes without mentioning who is the foil in this little love session.

Evelyn Edgar Never Never. Whatever the fucker last name is. Which also Jeff reminded me. Jeff was like, but don't you remember she's like 30? Remember she's an adult that was pretending to be a high school student and that Edgar ever never wasn't her father. he was her husband. And I was like,

I completely forgot about that plot line. Just thank God for Jeff. Completely forgot that she was an adult. How did we forget that? She was an adult pretending to be a high schooler and she was pretending that her husband was her father. How did we forget it, Jackie? Because we were trying to keep our heads above water

with whatever season that was insane plot lines about organ harvesting. It was the Oregon harvesting season. The fact that she was actually an adult who had snuck into high school was like the 10th most interesting thing that happened. I can't believe we forgot about it. And so Evelyn Ever and Ever and Ever is back. And she, she's like, don't you know she's a lesie?

And when she said that, I was like, I would slap you across the face. But I forget it's 1955. And she finds the book, the like sapphic book that's inside of Tony's locker. And it's just like she is a lesbian. and Cheryl makes her a flyer and doesn't give a shit what Evelyn. I feel like that's going to come back around and bite them in the butt. But at first, this was also, I think, kind of fun and well done. Like at first Cheryl's like, Cheryl tries to protect Tony, but how does she protect her by saying,

no, she's not a lesbian? And then when it comes to Tony, when Evelyn and Tony confront each other, Tony's like, yes, I am. And like, don't use that as an insult for me. Like, I'm proud of who I am. And then she talks to Cheryl about it and she's like, don't like lie for me. This is not part of myself that I'm ashamed of. And I thought that was really fun, you know, like.

Yes. It was like a cool, like, it's cool that they're letting Tony be like out and proud because I feel like it would be so easy to be like, well, it's 195 like, you know, no one was gay or no one was out. People were gay, but they didn't even know that was a thing. Or there was, you know, there's so much like weird revisionism about like, oh, everyone. gay now or whatever and I just like like there's like no no people some you know people were out this is a person who was like Tony is is out and she's like you can't insult me by being by calling me a lessee because I I like I like who I am you know and I thought that was just like a nice touch on Riverdale's part which was awesome it made me it just like made me smile made my heart smile totally I mean and now

so then they kiss and Cheryl talks about her sapphic sexual deviant aunt Carol that lives in in Greenwich Village. And they say the word shabby a lot. They do. And now she's like, that's why hence the whole Archie thing. Now I'm ready for something else. And yes, please.

Cheryl and Cheryl and Cheryl and Titi are finally together. It's what I, it's what we've all wanted. Poor Roberto Aguirre Sicasa. I follow him on Instagram and the amount of people that plague every Instagram post of just like, put Joni back together, you bastard. Like essentially just like people screaming for Cheryl and T.T.

So upset when she was with Archie. And like it was like, man, it finally doesn't have to be yelled at anymore. I hope that we get to see more of things because even though, like, I didn't, like, I didn't totally love, like, the plotline of things and TT being together. I do like that they, in this timeline, are, like, greasers together. Yeah, are, like, not only, like, serpent greasers together, but also, we know from the past, like, queer greasers together who are, like, cool with each other. And I, like, you know, they're establishing that the serpents are not only the serpents, but also kind of, like, where the queer grisers together.

devians go and hang out and I want more of that, you know. Yes, me too. But you are going to get just some regular old barchy in our future, which I, you know, I've never been fully a barchy, but in this episode, I am a Betty and Archie Stan. And while all of this is going on, Betty is trying on lingerie with Veronica, which she looked great in. Yes. And she, so Veronica is trying to teach Betty how to feel more sensual, essentially.

And she's like, what you need to do is also you like Archie. And you can tell that Veronica also still likes Archie. Yes. But she's like Betty, you like Archie. We're going to get yo ass Archie. Yeah, Veronica really, we see. She was a, she was a fucking G in this. Yes.

What a partner. Because like what you see a moment when Betty says like, you know. it's Archie who I like. And you see Veronica is like her face drop a little bit. Yes. She's like so sad because she obviously really only has eyes for Archie also

but she decides to support Betty anyway. I love it. I love it. Yeah. So then she's like, let's get you all sexy. Let's get your lingerie. So she asks Archie out. So Veronica's like you should ask him out.

So she fucking does. She goes in there and was like, would you like to go see a movie with me? And he's like, gee, wow, heck yeah, Betty. But then Uncle Daddy is like holding him to the fire. He's holding him to the coals. He can't get away from Uncle Daddy. And Betty thinks that's an excuse.

She's like, oh, no, he's lying to not go out with me. But it's not an excuse, Betty. It's real. Because didn't you see how his face lit up? Like, all I could say is like, man, if I could go back and like tell teenage yourself that like when you're talking to someone in their face lights up when they talk to you, that's a pretty sure sign that they might have a crush on you. Just saying most people's face don't light up.

Like I know the look on my face I get when I see my husband and it is pure joy. Yeah. And that's how Archie looks at Betty. So this ramped up so fast. It made me so happy because Archie is picking up with Betty's putting down. And she's like, and Veronica's like, what if you have like long, late night conversations with Archie instead? And she's like, no, he doesn't have a phone in his room. And she's like, how do you know?

I can see into his room. Wait a second. You can see into his room. And so they go and they, what do they call themselves peeping patties? Peeping patties? They straight up are peeping patties at Archie. They are just staring at him. I was like, girls, hide yourself a little bit better.

They are standing in the old. open window. Like have you, do you not know how windows work? Yeah. So they're standing watching him change. And also, yeah,

Betty has a great line that she's like, oh yeah, I've seen it all many times. And it's like, have you seen his D? It sounds like she's seen his D. And so they're both standing there. Archie is changing.

And then he looks over and he obviously sees them and they're like, oh shit. And, you know, Betty is like panicking or whatever. But then the next day, Archie comes up to Betty and he's like,

I saw what you're doing in the window and like, let's keep doing that. I liked it. And she's like, you liked it? And he's like, yeah, maybe we could like plan to do it. This, that conversation, Jeff and I both agreed, was the horniest thing I have ever seen. Yes.

Them and he's just like, yeah, no, we could plan it. we may and she's also just like yeah maybe at like midnight we could plan it and the way that they I was just like I remember being that horny talking to someone when you're just like you're like you're vibrating you don't even know what to do with yourself so that night and she's like and maybe I'll wear

something special so they at midnight they're both waiting staring at the clock and at midnight midnight strikes and they go in front of the window and they both slowly start. This is such a good thing. I had to keep reminding myself. I'm like, they're in their mid-20s. They're in their mid-20s. They're not teenagers.

Slowly taking off their clothes in front of each other. Such a vulnerable experience that you're experienced for the first time and he goes to go take off his underwear. He goes to go take off his underwear, by the way. Which, by the way, he would have just the largest boner ever. Ever, ever. The largest heart on the 1955 ever saw. Because they're just so pent up and they really are doing such a good.

I just keep thinking, God, teenagers must have been so hoarty in 195. So horny. They must have just been so excited. So excited. And then Uncle Daddy and Hal Cooper burst into the room at the same time and go, what are you? doing. And I, what a visceral reaction I had. I was just like, uh,

uh, Jeff, I wrote out as quote, I would throw up to death. I would cringe so hard. I'd become a fossil. It's what Jeff said after I was like, I'd die. Especially in 1955. Especially when you're having this vulnerable moment with someone and then your parents walk in. I'd die. I'd be dead.

And especially because. Yeah, Betty is wearing lingerie and I'm sure. And also it's Hal Cooper. So he's obviously a terrifying serial killer, which she doesn't know what we know. And yeah, Uncle Daddy's so bad. And I'm sure that Archie has a huge heart on. And it's just like it's, it is so vulnerable. But I'm sure that they're just going to be, it's like as bad as this would be,

they really are just doing such a good job like using 1955 to up the stakes because this would be so embarrassing for a teenager now. And then you take it and you put it in the. incredibly, you know, puritanical time. And like the, and also Lily Reinhart can just act the shit out of anything that is given to her. And she is just so expressive and like the look on Lily Reinhart's face when Hell Cooper walks in, it truly is the look of like fear on every teenager's face that like their sexuality will be discovered by their parents, you know?

Yes. It is the absolute fear. And it happened. and it made me, I, what a visceral reaction. I was so horny. I went from so horny into this scene, into just like, I felt like I got walked in. And then that's the end. That's the end of the episode.

Just a very abrupt, like, hard out. Hard out. And then Riverdale. And I was like, no. They did so good. This, I'm, I can't believe how good this season is. I really can't. Yes.

And to have two totally different episodes. One, that's literally like a total romp. you know, diversion, stylistic exploration away from all the plot and stuff with the Cryptkeeper episode. And then the other that is like, okay, here we are. We're back.

And we are going to give the people what they want. We're going to give them choney. We're going to give them barchy, naked and horny. Horny. Oh my God. So horny. Yeah.

This season is so much more horny than so many of the last seasons. I can't believe it. I do also want to give a shout out to Caitlin who wrote in, and I loved your soapbox, Caitlin. And Caitlin did, and I forgot to mention this earlier, that, because it wasn't my common knowledge, Caitlin, that Tales in a jugular vein is actually a collection of short stories written by Robert Block that each had a horror slash twist ending, like each short story did. And apparently they used none of those stories in the episode, even though they used the title. Interesting. So I just want to say thank you for bringing that up. And also, Caitlin goes off to about Veronica's upset at the end of the Tales in a Jugular Vane episode about his comic issue about how it being not right towards women.

Oh, okay. Yeah, so I appreciated the support in being upset towards Veronica as well, along with us. And I just want to say thank you guys for writing in. about Riverdale. It always makes me smile when I see your theories. And you can write in your own. If you'd like to page 7podcast at gmail.com, at least you just know, even if it's just you getting it out of your system, you know I'm going to read it. And so you know that someone else is experiencing what you're going through. Yes, we read it. We think about it. We incorporate it, especially Jackie with, again, the little, you know, seminar that her and Jeff have every week where

they discuss all the themes. We discuss. We have to have our time. We have. We have our discussions. And thank you guys so much for joining us this week on Riverdale Roundup. And we missed you guys last week. And our episode next week is going to come out a little late because we will be on tour. But you will get it. And it will, man, it's like we're navigating minefields right now. I know. I know. I wish, I guess I was going to say, could we watch it together, but we'll be doing a live show. So we won't be doing a live show. So we won't be able to watch together. But that's okay. You know what? We'll figure it out. And we will have a blast while doing it.

So we'll be back soon. And thank you guys so much. Enjoy Riverdale. Oh, my God. Go watch the season. If you're not watching it, if you gave up a long time ago, I'm telling you, this season is just fire. It's just so good. And so sexy.

Oh, so sexy. Thank you guys. Bye. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors. You can support our shows by supporting. them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.