Page 7 - Riverdale Roundup Ch. 135: Ah, Riverdale, Ya Got Me Again

Episode Date: August 12, 2023

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It's time for more. Page 7 and Wizard and the Bruiser present, release the butthole cut tour coming to you in September and October. Where are we heading in September, Jackie? We're going on September 12th. We're going to Nashville. We're going on September 13th to Atlanta, Georgia. And then I'll go back to my hometown, September 14th of Tampa, Florida. In October, October 3rd, we're going to be in Detroit, Michigan, October 4th. We're going to be in Columbus. And October 5th, we're going to be in Pittsburgh. Page 7 and Wizard the Bruiser Brzeet release the butthole cut tour. You can find tickets at last podcast network.com, baby. Yeah, I just said this to MJ, but I am going to say it again. You did a bad thing, Daddy.

Are you liked it? Is that a line from the episode? Yeah, Cheryl says it. I don't remember that. I thought maybe it was about how. I wrote it down. I was just like, whoa. just because

Cheryl was just looking real good in this episode to me. I love Sherr. I miss classic Cheryl. This was not total classic Cheryl this episode, but it was pretty good. Cheryl trying to sabotage her parents is always one of my favorite things. And so we did get that in this.

A lot happened in this episode. Can we just start there? Can we just start? Can we please? We have had no plot for what? Five weeks? At least four weeks of no plot. Yes. None. No plot. Zero. All of the plot. Lots of plot happened in this episode. But what I don't understand is there are two episodes left of this. Yeah. Every time you say that,

I'm like, you must be wrong. I have like, I'm going through the seven stages of grief. I'm like, no, it didn't happen. How was there only two episodes left? Why did they spend? Okay, so to be fair, we had a run of episodes with no plot. But one of those episodes, Miss Teen Queen Riverdale, now turned out to retroactively have a slight amount of plot as revealed in this episode. Correct. Big old spoiler alert predicted by many a listener in the page seven email inbox. Let's just get right out and say it. Yes, Hal is the father. Yes, of Ethel mugs, which under, you know what, it does explain her stature. Man, I just want her, like, I just want, I just want, I just want to hang out with her. She is so tall. She's just such like a beautiful statue. I know. It's just like, oh my, my,

I just want to bask in her glory. I know. I often think that when she's on camera, I'm like, she just is like a stunning goddess. Goddess. Goddess. Yes. Yes. I'm just like, my God. I just want to be around you. Yes. I don't know. There's something about, there's something about Ethel, which, All right. Also, can we just... Okay. Okay. I don't feel good and I've got something to yell about. Are you going to talk about Ben Button, Jackie?

Benjamin Button? Yes, I am going to talk about Benjamin Button. Now, guys, you're going to say, oh, remember, we don't watch Riverdale. What the hell are you talking about? In just flippancy. The most, the utmost flippancy I've ever seen. All of a sudden, Ethel comes over and it's just like, like standing with this dude and I was like, who is that tall glass?

And then later, like two sentences later, she's like, oh yeah, because I'm going steady with Ben. And I was like, hold the phone. Yeah. Who is he? What's his deal? Going steady. We've never heard of him before, right? We've never seen him before.

Never. And also, of course, because she's Ethel. Wait. Was it Ben Button that died during the Gargoyle king? Was that the kid that threw himself out the window? I mean, I could Google it, but who knows what I'll find. There are some Riverdale wikis out there. Jeff, damn it, I should have asked Jeff.

Jeff would know. Jeff would know. We need Jeff's sober mind. We need him. No, I was very, very high while watching this episode. It's possible that we've met this fucking guy before. I got so mad about Ben Button. Yeah, but this is the thing.

It's possible we've met him before because it is like Rivert. Bredale to just like bring back somebody who, you know, you've heard of three seasons ago. So, but he got, I mean, he did not even speak. That actor did not make Eddie, he made the rate, the day rate where you don't speak. He just was like arm candy, I guess, for Ethel, which, yes, we have been screaming all season for Ethel to get some D or whatever, but this just felt a little bit half-hearted. Give her a man who we've never met before, who doesn't talk. And of course, because it's Ethel, I was waiting the whole time for something terrible to, you know, for him to be a fucking serial killer.

Right? Because nothing good can ever happen to Ethel. Yes. And nothing happened with him, at least. And who knows if we'll ever hear from him again because they do drive into the sunset together at the end of this episode. Who is he? We still don't know. But Ethel kind of has her like good day.

This, yeah, yeah, I'm torn about this episode. I liked a lot of it. It, we get, Ethel has her day. She kind of gets her comeuppance, I guess. But I don't, I was not particularly satiated by what they give Ethel in this episode. No.

But they, I was, I was satiated in other ways. It is a, it is the nuclear panic episode, which is kind of fun. Yes. And it's all the Oppenheimer stuff.

We're all thinking about the bomb. And so, oh, everybody's thinking of, about the bomb these days. Everyone's thinking about the bomb, and so are they, because of course, it's 195. And so they are living in, you know, kind of Cold War bomb panic. And so the episode is styled.

It's the bomb panic episode, but it's also styled in the style of like old, of old movies. And so we, but so there's, there's, we see a couple of like flashy, you know, title cards. at the beginning. It's like... Also, it's all done in black and white. It's all in black and white. Which I really, really like. I liked that too.

It starts with Jughead and Veronica at the movie theater, so it's kind of setting up. He's like, the great thing about dating. By the way, I guess they're just dating now. They're just all kinds of dating. I hate... No, stop mashing them together.

I know. And if you're going to mash anybody together, Betty be... Betty be Betty. Betty be Betty. My! brain just stopped. My mouth just stopped working with my brain. Betty be Betty. Betty be Betty. No, you're right. You said it correctly. That's how it's pronounced.

It betty be Betty. I know. What the fuck. But you know, what's so disturbing is I just continue to be horrifyingly attracted to Jughead. Yes. Yes. It's distracting. I'm very upset about it. It's I'm very upset. It's never happened to this extent before. And so it's not since the beginning. Remember? Right. You remember where our hearts used to lie? Do you remember where it began? Oh, yeah. It took me a while to warm up to him because I was like, I'm sorry, that's the kid from Big Daddy. I can't be attracted to him. And then gradually I was like, all right, he was a child once.

He is no longer a child. He's very much him and his brother have like, I love to that Colesbrose has like the weird brother who seems to be pretty cool. And like, Cole Spouse just turned out to be the obnoxious performatively bad one. And then the other one's like the obnoxious performatively good one. Yes. But in any case, it's hard not to ship him and Veronica because they both look fantastic together. You know, so that is hard. They really do.

I don't mind watching the kissing. Like, that's the thing. It's a, it's a, it's a difficult tug from my heart and my lawns. Yes. You know, it's difficult for me. Yes. And for me too. It's difficult for me and I want everyone to understand this.

All right. I need to be seen. Yes, that's true. So he's like, the good thing about dating a person who owns a movie theater is that you can watch all the flicks you want. And so the show, this episode is in the style of we kind of jump around genres of various movies. But yes, the whole thing is in black and white. And it is our like nuclear panic Cold War episode. And so the big ideas in this episode, aside from.

Ethel is dating this guy we've never heard of. We, and also we find out that Hal is definitely Ethel's dad and we'll get into it. The other kind of big things at play in this episode, we've got Archie figuring out what to do with his life. Is it a day that ends in why? You know, we're back to fucking classic existential angst Archie and Uncle Daddy's on his shit. That's Archie Andrews in shipping. out. There was three different segments and then there was Betty and Drivers Education. Oh, I'm so glad that you wrote down the segment because I knew that there was. Yeah, but I forgot the first one because

after the front, the first one was like, I think it was Jughead and the melting man. Yes, Jughead and the melting man. Yes. Right. Juga Jones and the melting. So our nuclear panic sets off with, they emerge from the Babylonium and they see. It's all in black and white now, which is very fun. And it's kind of in the style of like an old zombie movie or whatever. And so they see a guy who looks kind of like a zombie. He looks like he's melting and he's like walking towards all the teens screaming and they're like, oh my God. And then Ethel goes, he's wearing the same uniform as my dad wore at the Maple Factory. Yes, which is like, thank you for the exposition, bitch. Thank you for the exposition. And so basically it turns out that Jughead is convinced that

something fishy is happening at the old blossom maple factory. And so he investigates. And I can't believe we've gotten 10 minutes in without mentioning the return of an old favorite here in the Riverdale world. This episode centers highly on palladium. And the fuck bunker. And the fuck bunker. The return of the fuck bunker. I mean, I'm happy for the return of the fuck bunker. I got to say, once they mentioned palladium, I was like, wow, do you remember how much of Riverdale roundup we had to spend talking about fucking palladium? Talking about palladium. We talked about palladium for so much. For those of you that don't remember, there was a whole plot about the palladium mines that the Blossom's own. So we were aware of these Palladium mines already. I didn't think

that they were going to make their way back into the story. It is textually consistent though. They are. They were always there at the Blossom compound and they are still there now. And Hiram and the past was trying to mine the Palladium. Mine the Palladium. He was mining the Palladium. He was mining the And so I, in the past, they always kind of presented palladium as like, I thought, I always thought of it as a bit of a, you know, what's that material from Black Panther that's kind of like indestructible. But it's not that. But it was kind of like, it was like a precious metal is what I always thought of it as. You know, kind of like that Hiram could enrich himself with it. But we find out in this episode, it's also raw materials that can go into a nuclear bomb. So it is, it's. It's both. That's what Dilton Doyley told him. Palladium is basically harmless, but in its pure state, concentrated and compressed,

scientists speculate it could be more volatile than plutonium. And if detonated, more destructive than a hydrogen bomb jughead. And so this episode kind of tries to do a lot of things that we were complaining about last episode. To the extent to which it does those things successfully, that's what we're here to discuss. It tries to answer what happened to Ethel's parents. It tries to answer why is Hal, what's so weird about Hal and Alice and Cooper and Ethel. It tries to answer what's going on with the sinister dark rooms of the Blossom House and Clifford Blossom specifically.

It tries to answer what happened to Brad Rayberry. It tries to answer a lot in this episode. They really tried to kill several birds with one palladium stone in this episode. Jackie, do you feel satisfied? Yes. Sounds confusing. I'm so beyond intrigued with what they are going to do over the next two episodes. That's the thing.

If we knew that this wasn't the third to last episode, I'd be down. I'd be like, yeah, this episode was fun. I'm taking it. Yes, because then new storylines would start. So now I'm like, okay, but then what's, what is it going to be? Exactly. I think that's it. The fact that we know that two are left and that they really tried to wrap up a lot.

Remember, last week, and I'm going to be the first to say here, I was wrong. Last week I predicted, I still think I'm right about my big prediction for last week, which is that Jughead is going to write Riverdale comic books. Yes. But my other predictions from last week that were wrong was I said, said, we're not getting any resolution about Ethel, the milkman, Hal, none of that. And I was wrong. They tried to give us resolutions.

They did give us resolution in this episode about that. I am satisfied in some ways. Again, I loved the style of this episode. I loved the look. I loved the feel. I think that Hal being Ethel's dad is cool. It's like a nice twist. And Alice, you know, Betty's like, this is why Alice is obsessed.

Alice Cooper's obsessed with being the person. perfect family because Hal had an affair with... Slept with the housekeeper. Who was Ethel's mom and... He are needed. Now, I also was surprised by the fact that they offered to adopt Ethel. Right. Later on in the episode.

And then Ethel straight up was like, nah. Yeah. Yeah. She was like, I'm good. I'm going to move to L.A., Veronica's friend who works on sets in L.A. got Ethel and her great visual art talent a job as a storyboard illustrator in L.A. Good for her. Good for her.

She's already, I'm already got a job out there. That's why she gets to drive off into the sunset with Ben Button. Ben Button. I'm fine with it. I was expecting something else. I don't know what I was expecting. But I was expecting something a bit more supernatural or a bit more serial, Killy.

what we basically are given in terms of wrapping all these things up, the reason that how, well, is it, is it all right that I'm just jumping into it? I'm just, I feel like we just got to jump into like the plot and the resolution and everything. Like what happened with Ethel's parents, what's going on at the Blossom compound? Or should we go, should we go slower? I just feel like, um, I need to bring up the fact that I don't even think Ethel kissed Ben Button. No, they didn't touch.

They didn't even. I'm just like, I was just sitting here. I'm sorry. I wasn't listening. to what you were saying. I was like, did they kiss? And then I was thinking through the different scenes. It was like, I don't think they kissed. Did they not even kiss? He was barely even in any scenes. We see him almost exclusively from across the room. Literally, who is this guy? We've never heard of that before. Man, it is just like, everybody did the whole justice for Barb

thing, right? Where's just, I need justice for Ethel. I know. And we're never going to get it because now she's gone. The character is gone. I know. And Roberto O'Garie Sikasa just had a very nice post. I get what he's doing now that I'm paying closer attention. After each episode of Riverdale, he'll have like a nice little appreciation post about

the actors that are kind of featured in that episode. So he had a really nice like Josie appreciation post last week because it was a Josie episode. And this week he posted a very cute flashback picture of like the first day that the actress who plays Ethel was on set and would

And so he, you know, was like, oh, she's such a radiant talent or whatever, all of which is true. But bruh, why can't you let her get some D? Aside from this fucking faceless, voiceless man who no one knows who he is, Ben Button. Why is his name Ben Button, Jackie? I don't know. And like, that's the thing. Maybe is he aging backwards? That's the thing. Is this plot line not over? Are they going to come back? Is he aging backwards? Why is his name? Ben, Jackie. I think he's aging backwards. Maybe he's actually 75 years old. Because, of course, Ethel could never get a regular hot guy.

She can't have a regular man. I'm sorry, Ethel. I'm sorry for what we did to you. She's not allowed to have a full, regular, fine man. So they try to, they've tried to put a bow on that, at least so we think. Maybe Ethel's going to come back and we're going to. find out Ben Button is aging backwards or something. But they try to put a bow on Ethel.

Yes. And so here's where I'm going to just kind of jump into like plotty, plotty, plot, plot, plot, plot. Let's do it. The reason Ethel's parents were killed is because Ethel's dad worked at the maple syrup factory. At the maple syrup factory, the maple syrup factory is on the same compound as, you know, it's all on the blossom compound. And as we just learned, the Blossom compound is rich with palladium. And so we get a very fun scene where Cheryl overhears her parents talking.

And surprise, Penelope's not just a stone cold bitch who lives in the walls. She's also a sleeper Soviet agent who has... This I did not see coming. Me neither. That was one of those where I was like, ah, Riverdale, you go. got me again. And I love that. Oh.

I love it. Because that's one of those things Riverdale can totally do. Like, yes, Penelopeak is a, she's a witch, you know, she, uh, what are all the various things? She lives in the walls. She lives in the walls. She was set on fire?

She was set on fire? Remember she makes like poison out of flowers? Oh, yeah. She's got a lot of skills. And one of those skills is that she is a sleeper's, uh, secret agent, uh, Soviet spy who has turned Clifford Blossom against the United States towards Mother Russia. And so he is using the palladium on his compound to make a bomb, but not a bomb for not.

He's not on the same team as Robert Oppenheimer. He is on the team of Mother Russia. And so they are speaking. Mother Russia. They are Clifford and Penelope are speaking Russian to each other. And Cheryl overhears it and goes to Jughead. and she's like, I heard my parents speaking Russian to each other,

and Jughead's like, go in there or sneak around and see what you can find it. So that's how they try to wrap up everything. But I just, sorry to bring, I always have to bring my loins into it. But the whole like pairing up of Cheryl and Jughead of like them working on this together. And I was just like.

I also liked that essentially. I was like, awuga. A wooga. I was so awuga to buy it. Me too, man. I also felt extremely. extremely turned on by them working together. And then I felt kind of dirty.

I was like, am I not able to like let the people in the Riverdale universe have platonic friendships? But as soon, because Cheryl has a nightmare about the atomic bomb because everyone's very anxious about the bomb. And so in the nightmare, Jughead, like instead of hiding on the sirens go off and instead of hiding under his desk, Jughead kind of starts walking towards the windows and looking at the bomb and she just is screaming, Jughead, Jughead. It was such a good scene.

It was a good scene. Man, I just loved Cheryl. Cheryl killed it. Oh my God. It was. It was a really good scene. It was actually like kind of scary. Yes.

You know, spooky and unsettling and stuff. And so then she goes to him and is like, you know, talking about what she thinks that her parents might be up to and they unite. And I absolutely wanted them to kiss. I was stirring for it. I needed it and it didn't come. And that's just, you know, it's fine. It can happen. of my brain. Yeah.

Cole Spouse is just such, we know so much about what a like not great dude he is. I don't think he's like a badman with a capital B, but he's just like seems like a kind of insufferable, you know, famous guy. And man, I don't care right now. I just want to kiss him. And that's upsetting. It's, yeah. This, this episode especially, there was something about the like the black and white aesthetic that everybody just looked so like mysterious and haunted and it just was so into it. I also, while we're on it, and then I'll stop talking about Jughead, but like, did you also feel horny for his like heartfelt goodbye to Ethel?

Because that would have also been a great moment for them to kiss. Oh my God. His smile. I know. As he said goodbye, I was like, oh, my God. It was like, it was like seeing the sunshine after years of clouds. I know. It disturbingly brought me back to how many, you know, crushes I had on platonic friends or whatever.

Yes. That like when you hugged them and they smiled at you, you just felt this like little glimmer of hope. Like maybe this. Maybe they do. Yeah. Maybe they do feel the way I do. Yes. And they never do.

They never do. And I don't think he does. I don't think he wants to kiss Ethel. But in that moment, I wanted him to kiss her so much. But how? Silent Benjamin Button. I'm sorry, not to get back into Ethel's brain real quick. Yeah.

But like how pissed would you be as the platonic best friend that's in love with them? If all of a sudden out of nowhere you're like, oh, you're going with Veronica all of a sudden? Like, I'm your best friend. And then all of a sudden you're just like with her? I know. Okay. I know. And I would be so.

And like, of course she's got men. But that's why do you think she jumped into the steady sack with Ben Button? I know. I know. She's been driven to the arms of silent Ben Button by the brutal rejection, repeated rejection from Jughead. Who is 31, by the way. So I feel quite comfortable lusting after him, despite him being famous for a show called The Sweet Life of Zach and Cody.

Ew, don't think about it. Don't think about that. I won't think about it. So he is a full-grown man. He is 31. He's only a few years. younger than us. It's totally fine. It's totally fine. But anyway, so, so, so, so that's how the, this, this little nuclear situation going on at the Blossom compound is how they, that is the stone with

which they try to kill the bird of what happened to Ethel's parents. Her dad, I guess, was killed because he like got too close to the truth of what, of Clifford Blossom being a Russian spy or a Russian. And the fact that like, because he found out that they had palladium. Right. And he brought it to the science teacher because he was like, who knows rocks? And the science teacher? And the science?

Yes, in Riverdale, the only science authority is the high school science teacher who is also, by the way, Dilton Doyley's dad. Dillardley's father. And I like that. Yeah.

That was nice. And so that's how they wrapped up why Ethel's parents were killed. I don't find that to be a particularly satisfying answer of why her parents were killed, especially because it's just a massive misdirect from the idea that they're, was this milkman serial killer.

I guess the milkman serial killer was actually just a hitman hired by the blossoms. And that also explains the death of Brad Rayberry because he was getting too close to the truth. He also worked in the palladium. Because he also worked at the Maple Blossom, Blossom Maple Factory. And he was writing books, warning of, you know, the dangers. Talking about palladium bombs.

Right, right. And so that's what happened. him. So yeah, last week we were like, are we never going to find out why several people were killed by the milkman? And this week we did. Turns out the answer is Clifford Blossel. It was just so fast. It was very fast. I agree. Like, I feel like, okay, I think that they did a good job making it all make sense. I think that they, okay, that yes, that all makes sense. Yeah. I just wasn't satisfied with how quickly they wrapped it up. It's, yes, I agree, completely agree.

And isn't that classic Riverdale? Didn't they have a whole season devoted to finding out who a killer was? And it turned out it was a character we had never even met before, right? Like, isn't it their way to have you spend a whole season trying to solve what you think is the mystery? And it turns out it's a whole different mystery that you couldn't have even guessed because you didn't even know it was happening. You didn't even know, man. We didn't even have Andy. There was no hints unless we go back and watch and there's some little Easter.

Hinting of the fact that the Blossoms are Russian, you know, saboteurs or whatever. But I don't know if that is in there. You know what I like about us, MJ, is that neither one of us, like, watch Riverdale with, like, a hawk's eye. No. You know what I mean? Absolutely not. I think that it's like, it really is, I let, even though I write down, like, notes, I really

let Riverdale, like, wash over me. You have to. Like, I, like, I'm being bathed in the blood. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like I, I just let it happen to me. And I think that that, I think it's better this way.

You know, I like living in the, I don't know if they were, but. Maybe they were. I don't know. But Jackie, we know that even if you did watch it with a hawk's eye, you would also feel like you were going insane. Oh, yes. Because everything feels like a hint. Yes.

And about 5% of it turns out to be a hint. The rest of it is just, it's just there for no fucking reason. like 5% of it is foreshadowing. So you'll never guess what is the foreshadowing. That's why I really appreciated. Okay, so Will wrote in. And thank you so much, Will. And also you can send in your own Riverdale theories to page 7 podcast at gmail.com.

Will wrote in and the subject line was Cheryl Magic Paintings. I'm so sad Riverdale is leaving this show. Makes me so happy. Here's my idea. Cheryl painting is witchcraft. Julian is also somehow maybe in on it. Last episode, Julian gave Archie and Reggie the wrestling movie and definitely sort of implied he knew or suspected they were into it.

While that was happening, Cheryl was painting her and Tony's boudoir picture. In the next episode, Cheryl is painting Betty while she masturbates. I'm starting to think Cheryl is using sex magic to make everyone horny and queer. Maybe not to make them queer, but maybe to bring existing feelings to the surface. or it just isn't. Who knows? We'll probably never find out. And that's the thing.

But what would be Riverdale if it answered every question it asks? Didn't the babies float during the Edgar Ever Never Storyline? Did anything ever come from that? And the answer will is no. No. And even just hearing that email reminded me that we still don't know why we have Julian in this season and not JJ. We still don't know. We have no idea.

Will we ever know? No idea. And again, last week I was like, Will, never know, we'll never know why Hal and Ethel have such a weird thing. But I was wrong. We did find out. But there are, for every one thing we do find out, there's a hundred things that we don't find out. And Will is right. And maybe it's true. Maybe next week we'll find out that Cheryl is doing some magic with her paintings. Or maybe it will never be spoken of again. You know, we just don't know. We have no idea. And we can't, we can't be too hard on

ourselves for not seeing if, if the pipe was laid for the, I. but I am pretty sure there was no pipe being laid about Penelope being a Russian spy. Stop saying pipe being laid around my 13-year-old brain. I was like, there was no pipe getting laid, MJ. Not a second of pipe. You're the one who introduced laying some pipe as a fuck euphemism. And so now I just want to say it as a non-fuck you from this. Yeah, you just have to be.

around childlike brains of breast. So, yeah, so there is, so that's, that's what's going on with, with the Milkman plot line, with the Ethel plot line, with the Cooper household plot line. Yes. And. But then also remember this is, so while all of this is happening, Betty and Veronica and Ethel decide they're going to learn how to drive. Yes.

So like while all of this is happening, there's all of this is happening. also like a driver's ed sequences happening. And I'm just like, this, there's not, what's going on with this? Why are we doing with this? I think that that was just to have that interspice. Yes, it was cute. I think that must have just been a vehicle for Ethel to be like, I need my birth certificate. Right. That's got to be such a big ask. So, all right, they have to, so they're, they're in driver's ed. And then the teachers, like, you just have to bring in your birth certificate. And then we'll go, we'll all go to the DMV together. And Ethel can't. get her birth certificate because it's in the death house that still is over yonder, which also, why haven't they gotten any of the things out of that house? Like, can't they pay a service to go in

and take the stuff out of the house for Ethel? So she doesn't have to do that? I'm not sure what the like municipal infrastructure of Riverdale is. It seems that they have one police officer. Yes. Who's named is Sheriff Keller. And they've got one mayor who is Clifford Blossom, who's also a Soviet, you know, traitor. And so I think that there is just no, just remember when they didn't have a fire department? I think there's just no one, I don't really know. Yeah, Archie was the fire department. Yeah.

So I don't know who you like, I don't know what like city agency goes into an abandoned house to like clean it out. But whatever, however that happens in real life, that agency does not exist in Riverdale. No. They barely have a police, a fire department or like. a local government. No, they don't have anything. But they did have a superhero in the night.

Oh, a vigilante. Excuse me. Remember when Archie was a vigilante? Oh, yes, I do. And yeah, I mean, what haven't we cover? Right, Archie's back on us bullshit. We haven't talked about Archie. So Archie's in shipping out.

So the whole thing, there was a lot of plot with Archie. It was just not, you know, sexy to either one of us. Is that Archie was like, what is he? going to do, he's starting to think about what is he going to do after school. And he hears about the merchant marines, which I think in his brain was like a pleasure cruise where he's like, oh, I just got to be on a boat and just I get to go all around the world. And it's like, I think it's a lot harder than that. Yeah, the merchant marines plotline, I was just like, I could sleep. I didn't. I could sleep. I could sleep. But there was,

There was a lot of Uncle Daddy in this episode. Jackie, do you have handy because if you don't, I haven't found me. I do. All right. Thank you. Read the email. A hundred million percent do. Read the email. This is why I wanted to talk about this because I think might be my favorite Riverdale theory. Yes. I did also wake Jeff up with this theory this morning. Yes, read it. It's very good. Corey, I just want to say, thank you. Corey says, okay, so this theory is maybe kind of out there and not true, but. And this also was before this last episode.

I will throw that out there. This was from last week. This is after, because you remember, Archie is writing poems. Uncle Daddy hates it. And then Archie writes a poem about his late father. And Uncle Daddy really freaks the fuck out. And we were like, why? Why is you freaking out so much?

Corey's got a theory. Corey says, A lot of queer people in the past would go out of their way to mask their relationships to hide. from hate, like people being long-term roommates, even into late adulthood when that wasn't the norm at the time, or even people pretending to be family so they could live with their long-term same-sex partner without being scrutinized for it. With this in mind, what if Uncle Frank, quotes, has zero actual blood relationship with Fred? What if he was Fred's long-term

partner and they and Mary came to an agreement or were in a sort of polyam situation to cover for Frank and Fred's relationship. It could explain Frank's visceral reactions to Archie showing any interest in anything queer. He's experienced firsthand how their society treats queer people and the lengths he has had to go to hide his authentic self and doesn't want Archie going through the sort of pain he experienced. His outbursts about the poem of Fred could be because Frank hasn't been able to process the loss of a partner properly and is taking it out on Archie. Anyways, this is probably all BS and just me trying to find a way to redeem Uncle Daddy's Garbo characterization, LMAO. And also, thank you, Corey.

Also, beautifully written. Beautifully written. What a great, like, what a thought out theory. and I appreciate that. It is the only theory that I've ever heard that would make Uncle Daddy's presence worth it. Yes. At any point.

Yes. It would retroactively make everything about Uncle Daddy worth it if this theory were true. Because remember, also there was this little line where they were talking about, Mary's talking about, to argue about what he can do when he graduates and, you know, he could join the Merchant Marines

or he could join the regular army like his dad did. And then she's, like, not that Frank ever joined the army, but I'm like, didn't we have a whole fucking season where he was a mercenary overseas, like in Afghanistan or whatever? But I guess that's not really done me. You're a prime. And also, it's a different timeline. And I think that basically suggesting he was like a contractor, not in the army. But that was like an interesting little. What? I was just like, damn. Like when she said that because like, it was such a barb.

Yeah. And like, especially at that time to say that to somebody, That is such, because, like, Uncle Daddy comes in and it's just like, Archie, you know, you know what your father did? He was a real man and joined the army. And I was like, what is happening here? Yeah. Get out of here. But I also am so sad, Corey, because I, so I save the Riverdale theories to read right before we record because I like to keep them fresh in my mind. And I'm sad I didn't read this before this episode last night because I would have thought that the entire time until.

essentially what happens, although maybe we'll never find out. I'm here for it. I think that there's something in this. It's too, it works too well. I think we can assume this is true, even if there's never any textual confirmation of it. I think we can just assume that it's there. I just want to thank you, Corey, for changing the fabric of our Riverdale experience. Yes, for literally making Uncle Daddy retroactively a good character, which no one else. could do. And Mary even is like, you know what, fucking Uncle Daddy, get the fuck out. She's like, you need to shut up. Archie's allowed to be into poetry. You need to leave. She was that. She also got me a wuga during that scene when she was just like, I'm not going to

fucking stand for this any longer. Yes. And she, I'm sorry, but she should have done it way sooner. She definitely should have done it way sooner. Should have done it way sooner. And she, and he was like, well, who's going to be the man of the house? And Archie was like, I am. And she's like, excuse me, I'm the woman of the house. Which is also very satisfying. Since when do you need a fucking man of the house. She's right. She's like, I pay the bills.

I'm the woman of the house. Yes, she's a house dressmaker for some reason instead of being a lawyer. And I guess the reason is patriarchy. And so then she kicks him out and they have like a goodbye scene and he's like, I'll miss your pot roast. And she's like, you can still cut your pot pie. And she's like, you can still come to Sunday dinner. And he's like, great.

I'll see you Sunday. and that's the goodbye. So I still think that you could keep this email in mind and rewatch this whole episode, Jackie. And I think that Corey's theory still works. There's obviously something weird about Uncle Daddy and Fred. And there's something, you know, I would not put it past Mary at all to be like,

you were Fred's long-term lover. Because mind you, in regular Universe of Redale, Mary and Fred were not together. Oh, that's right. They were divorced. You know, they were together to have... Yeah, that's right. Yeah, they were together to have Archie.

Like they were not, they had not been together for quite a long time. So Uncle Daddy really could have been lover daddy. I mean, you can't take it away from my mind is all I'm saying. It lives in my mind to stay. I think we did everybody, right? Betty just has this kind of heart to heart with Alice where she's like, oh, you were really trying to hold the family together because of Hal's infidelity with whatever. I'm still, I just, is Hal a serial?

killer or not. That's what I want to know. I guess he's not a serial killer, but I will say another one of those scenes where, man, just these like Betty and Alice scenes, they're just knocking them out of the park. I know, I know. They're just both such great actresses. I know. The acting in Riverdale is so fun. Very, very good. Because it's so campy, but it's like, but they're so like, they, I think it's great. They commit to it. Yeah. It's so campy, but no one is being like super like, huh, you see how stupid this is? They are all totally committing to it, which is I think one of the only reasons why Riverdale is not only watchable but enjoyable. It's not like, they're not like winking at the camera. They're straight up committed, you know,

as if they are acting in succession, you know? Yeah. And especially, I think that's why I was so into Cheryl in this episode because like, it, like, it, or like her trying to go after her parents is very attractive to me. Yes. She is, she acts her ass off. Yeah. So she is the one who basically uncovers her parents' secret communist plot. Betty figures out Hal's secret of being Ethel's father. Jughead is, you know, ties it all together. It all has to do with the palladium. Um, that's what happened to Ray Bradbury. Archie is on his existential journey. Um, and share, yeah, I think that's everybody. I think we covered everybody. Man. They tried to do a lot in this episode, and they did. And I mostly really enjoyed this episode. Do I want more?

Always. I'm just so intrigued. So we, I'm just so intrigued by, um, sorry, my brain just stopped. What is wrong with me this morning? It, Betty be Betty. Is the coffee not, you, oh, it's the coffee not kicking in? I'm just like flubbering over my mouth. What are you trying to be crazy. What are you intrigued? about. I don't even know what I'm intrigued about. It went away. Yeah. Yes, it left my brain. My brain just stopped working. You're probably intrigued about the fact that there's only two fucking episodes. Yes, and what's going to happen? We have to say, a programming note here at Irving L. Roundup. That's what I was going to say. So, the network, last podcast network,

is on vacation for the last two weeks of August. Unfortunately, that is coinciding with what will, um, assuming the schedule goes forward as normal, be the last few weeks of Riverdale. And so here's, here's the deal. I need you to get a paper and a pen. Riverdale will be here next Friday as regularly scheduled. The following Fridays though, August 25th and September 1st, you guys ain't getting no Riverdale because they, we won't have any editors. So even if Jackie and I wanted to watch it and talk about it into microphones, that just can't, it can't be done. Uh, everybody needs a break, uh, when they have a, uh, when they have any editors. the job and this is the break for the people who work at last podcast network. And so we will come

back in early September, new year, new us, new Riverdale wrap up. But just one episode. It'll just be the last episode. So it's going to be, I know that everyone's going to be eager to hear what we have to say about the last episode. But it's going to be, you know, worth the wait. Yes. It's going to be such a crescendo. Oh, God. They have to stick the landing. What if it's not?

They have to stick the landing. I think they will. I think they will. I trust them. I think they will. Even the episodes where we've been like a little disappointed this season have still been fucking awesome. Yeah.

You know, like there has not been, there has not been a Percival. No. No. No. There's no Percival happening. No. So thank you guys so much for joining us on this. journey. We'll be back next week. And then you're going to have to wait a couple of weeks for the

next episode. But again, the last episode. So we are here. We've got two episodes left. Yes. It hurts my stomach to think about it. I know, but just think about, I don't like it when things end. I know. I don't like watching the last episode. I know. I'm doing this for everyone. I know. I still haven't seen the last episode of trailer park boys because I didn't want it to end. I understand. But it will end. Riverdale will end. And we We will be here with you to hold hands and cry together. But don't worry, we will be back next week, regularly scheduled, and we will probably talk more about how we want to kiss Jughead. You could almost bet on it, bed on it.

Bed on it. Bed on it. Bed on it. We'll be back. Bye, guys. Bye. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors.

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