Page 7 - Riverdale Roundup Chapter 74: And The Band Played On

Episode Date: April 22, 2020

It finally happened. We scream about the Hedwig and the Angry Inch episode of Riverdale. Want even more Page 7? Support us on Patreon! Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

I'm not sure if I'm in mourning or if I'm just enraged. Or if I'm going to slam my face into a wall until I spontaneously combust. But no matter what, I'm going to keep watching this goddamn show, Riverdale. Welcome everybody to Riverdale Roundup. I, you know, the thing is that like, all right, so you're watching this episode, right? You're watching this episode. So angry. I'm so angry about it.

And I'm like, do I take the funny opposite end? Do I lean in and say maybe I love this show even more because it's so horrible? But I don't know, Molly, if I can forgive and forget this episode. Yeah, I, this is going to be a bit of a backseat show for me because I am not, to my great shame, you can tweet at me all you want about how I would love it. And I know you're right. But to my great shame, I am not a lover of Hedwig, only because I have never seen Hedwig. It is an ignorant spot for me.

And so I don't have the same stake, but I know what it's like to love a musical. And so I know what it's like to have a beloved musical not done correctly. And so I am going to let your rage drive the show. But I will say right at the top here that I feel like in the way that, you know, while the Titanic sank, the band kept playing, that really feels like our relationship with Riverdale right now. just going to keep watching Riverdale. We are the band. I think Riverdale is the band. No, us watching Riverdale is the, that entire thing is the band. We are, we are together the band and no, we are not the Archies. Although I will throw it out there. I think that Archie's singing in this specific episode was not the part that made me the most angry. And that's

when you know that an episode has gone so far off the rails, that that is not even what may be upset. So I'm not going to scream too much about how Hedwig and the Angry Inch is not only not the proper musical for to be shoved into a musical episode of a high school show. Specifically

this show, especially when the it's not even like they're putting on their performance is that they're using it as some sort of protest against the principal because the principal doesn't want him to perform Hedwig and the Angry Inch, so what do they do? They all decide to perform it

for the variety show, even though they didn't even put up much of a fight, that instead, when he said, if you guys perform in it, you can't go to the senior prom. So what do they do? They just perform it at Laban Nui anyway. Who gives a flying fuck? I may have walked up on the wrong side of the bed today, but Riverdale, you aren't helping, and you're the problem with the quarantine. And I needed it. Am I getting too angry? Am I too angry about the episode. Well, I know we usually structure Riverdale Roundup to be about the plot, but that seems impossible in this episode, because there is no plot. But Molly, they tried to shove the songs that made absolutely no sense and barely change it, even though sometimes change it, into a plot that it

doesn't make any sense into because they have not gone through the plight of anywhere near of what headwood goes through in the musical headwig and the angry inch. But on top of it, they all sang it together like they were in goddamn Greece. So I kind of want to start by asking you what made you most angry. And then just to table for a little bit later that I don't want to lose the thread that I really need to know how they, as somebody who is completely unfamiliar with Headwig, I need to know what, like, I was watching this and I was like, I do not know what I'm seeing. Like are they just singing random songs from Headwig trying to make it about this fucking Jughead murder plot? So I want a little bit of an anatomical breakdown of what the episode was, but perhaps first you can tell me if the order, if this order makes sense, to tell me first what exactly about it was so infuriating. I think.

As a headwig lover. I think what it is is that headwig is so based around, not based around the fact, but it is like John Cameron Mitchell brought headwig and the angry inch to such light in such a. beautiful way that these like power ballads like this motherfucker can sing and the so the music is not only so well written but it's so well done and for it to be watered down for teenagers that don't know anything like it's supposed to be this like you know i think you can understand that at least from edwig and love what they did that like it's amazing awesome fucking costumes it's a lot of inner struggle a lot of things again the music was beautiful the beautiful Music is amazing.

Wig in a box is probably one of my favorite. I'm going to say almost one of my favorite songs of all time. And Wig in a Box is what they sing when I think this is what particularly made me think of Greece the most. When Kevin was over as an honorary girl, you get it because he's a homosexual boy. And the girls sleepover and they decide to sing Wig in a Box. And they all, honestly, I don't even know if I can put it into words, Molly. I'm just, I'm devastated and that they could have done. And I feel bad because it's not the actor's false.

They were singing as much as they can. But it's about like being the character and finding the character. Like I know that Neil Patrick Harris did, because Neil Patrick Harris also performed on Broadway as Headwick. So it's like it's that kind of powerhouse character that can, that you can follow an entire show supporting and believing in. Yeah. And there's an emotion to the. the music that was not earned by the characters in Riverdale, just like absolutely randomly, inexplicably singing about dressing up and drag, putting, putting wigs on, like, what?

Since it made, nothing made sense. I, as a person unfamiliar with the musical that they were doing, I was, but very familiar with Riverdale. I was like, this makes, I don't understand what's happening. Why are they, like, why are they singing about, I only know that Headwig wears wigs, but why are they singing about wearing wigs? Doesn't make any sense. And then it's like the fight scene when they were, oh my God, the fight scene went all four of the couples.

So let's get it, let's talk about Riverdale. We have to talk about Riverdale for a minute of kind of what they were trying to make happen. Okay. So Kevin's trying to do the headwig performance in the variety show. Principal Honey says no. And then as a protest, they all disqual. decided to be Hedwig, right? In the meantime, Betty is trying to keep, so trying to get Jughead to be able to graduate high school on time. So she set up all this work for him to get done.

She talked to all his teachers and was like, oh, you can graduate with all of us if you get all this work done. But what is Jughead doing instead? He's hiding in the bunker watching everyone's VHS tapes while he helps out Charles, the FBI, not FBI. agent, try and seem together what they all have in common. So you guys, you remember the VHS tapes. Yeah, great news. They're back. We've been screaming about the VHS tapes, begging them to come back. They're back. There's more of them this time. And now Jughead is losing sleep over trying to find, you know, trying to figure out something, trying to see if there's any clues to it. So again, these are the VHS tapes that are just the outside of everyone in Riverdale's homes

on a VHS for no reason. Where are they coming from Molly? Now, I read some different, as a break of taking a break from screen, we got heck, wait for a minute. I've read some online theories because, again, I am now back to watching this season alone. And I was texting Molly,

even though I knew Molly hadn't watched the episode yet because I was so upset. I almost cried about this episode. You're quarantined in with Jeff. Why do you watch it alone? Because he's so far behind it. I don't want to watch the last like four episodes again. That's the same situation I'm in with Gideon.

I also watch this one alone. Yeah. But you also know that you're extra quarantine sensitive if you almost cry. Because Hedwig wasn't right on Riverdale. But again, we have. A good musical, especially. Yes. We have an emotional relationship to it and to see it not well done.

I feel for, I think that the majority of the audience watching Riverdale was like able to understand just how poorly this was done. For me, I was like, I can tell that I would love Hedwig because these songs are great, but I don't understand what is going on with these plot lines, which they are trying to fully maintain a resolution. of a season-long plotline of Jughead faking his own death. And now this is like the first episode after that. And now they're trying to like resolve that plot line and maintain this murder mystery plot line from the beginning that they planted a scene and then forgot. And then also be like,

and also we're singing, you know? It was just, oh my God. So there's got some, we have some ideas of the internet of what we think that these VHS tapes could be. I like this one. What if it's Evelyn, ever, never, orchestrating a gaslight project from inside of the prison to try and make

Jughead go mad, or the four of them truly go mad. All right? Okay. I like it. I dig it. What if, which we've been calling this for a long time, what if it is Charles, who has access to all of his FBI, even though I'm pretty sure he's not FBI investigative tools that wouldn't he have the time while he was too busy not singing to tape everyone

outside of their like outside of their homes during the night? Possible, very possible. And I forget what the third one was, but I didn't like the third one as much. So I'm really focusing on those two. And I think that it definitely could be one of those things. Although I will say for the amount of fury I felt throughout this episode, that the end, where did it end, was Jughead was watching a VHS tape. He puts it in.

And it was actually a retelling, on the VHS tape, it was someone doing like a snuff film of a boy in a Jughead cartoon mask and a Jughead outfit. And from up behind him comes a Betty with a cartoon mask and smashes the child in the head with the rock. I'm going to throw this out there, Molly. That was creepy. That gave me the willies. That really was spooky to me.

And I didn't, again, understand what I was seeing? I kind of spent the whole episode being like, what am I watching? And I was like, is this a video of like Betty? I thought that maybe that was like what really happened when Betty smashed Jughead, like back in the woods. But they weren't wearing those masks.

So you don't think it was someone else making that tape and sending it to him as if like we're still like stonewall. prep is still out here. No, you're probably right. That makes much more sense than what I thought. Because I was like, well, Betty smashed Jughead. So is this what it looked like?

But no, you're right. This is definitely like a terrorizing reenactment, right? That's what it was. That's what it was. Sorry, I forgot about the part of the Evelyn Ever Never plot line if that if she was the one manipulating it, that she was also manipulating Archie and Betty into thinking that they are falling in love with each other, which y'all, y'all, y'all, what the age. So this is what the second or third kiss between Betty and Archie, and they are now straight up

cheating on their partners. Yeah. I, you know, we did say a couple episodes ago, that moment that they had when they were texting each other late at night felt very, very real. Like they were like texting and like agonizing over what text to send and so you see the dots and like their smiley fate what emojis to use or whatever and that felt like really honest and the only honest parts of this episode were the shit between them like i do actually feel like they are doing a decent job of like i actually feel like betty and jughead are true betty and

uh archie are like truly torn about liking each other and also liking their partners i think that weirdly enough so you don't you are not familiar with headwig but the origin of of love is another one of my favorite headwig songs. And that's the song that they started that Archie and Betty were singing together in rehearsal. And then they started as the Archies, the band the Archie's first debut when they were singing, I believe they were singing Origin of Love in the end. I actually, in the scene when they were supposed to have their rehearsal when they kiss,

I thought that they actually did a pretty good job singing the song. I thought that like Betty, like Lily Reinhardt fucking stepped up her singing game this episode. I thought that she did better than it wasn't just singing in her like falsetto voice. She was actually like taking some chances. And weirdly enough, I liked what Archie was doing. Yeah. Yeah. I will say that I liked both Archie and Betty's singing much more than Jugheads.

Jughead shouldn't sing. There's a reason he didn't sing in the first musical. There was a reason. And at least, you know what, he went for it. He definitely went for it. But weirdly, again, I think it's just my. just the process that I was going through while watching Riverdale Roundup or watching Riverdale was I just got really furious.

I would get so, so angry that any moment of levity for me I really stuck out. So I think that like I enjoyed the fact that at least he tried to sing this time that Jughead did. But it did make me very upset that apparently Tony and Jughead can both play. drums and no one decided to tell me. I want to watch the two of them on top of a drum set getting it on. Drummers are so hot, but definitely Tony as a drummer makes me go wacky, go woo-woo. On top of the fact that Kevin joined the Archies on the keyboards, it was they all play instruments. I appreciate that because that was like a real, a real musical episode move is that they all secretly play instruments you never knew they did.

So that I was fine with. Although you sang, reminding me that Tony played the drums, brought, it brings me to something else that I wanted to discuss, which is, and I got to say, I feel like I've been calling this from the beginning of this season, Cheryl and Principal Honey have a extremely gonna fuck relationship to them. Right. Don't they? Yes.

Are you referring to the scene so when they're trying to convince them to, to let Hedwig be performed in the show. Tony and Cheryl show up to Pops Diner with Principal Honey, and they bring the entire, I believe it was the LGBTQ Plus Alliance Club that they are the head of. And they were like, okay, well, then let us sing this song to you. And they sing to him, I believe they sing Sugar Daddy, right?

I don't know if you recall. But I'm fairly sure they sing Sugar Daddy. Yes. And he, at the end of it was like, well, that's, a sexual in nature song and in the words of Cheryl toodles and he says toodles in such a way

and he stares her in the eyes that made me sexually uncomfortable the whole relationship with he's always had it out for Cheryl and it's always made me really uncomfortable and then in this episode yeah she just like seduces him basically

and he's like sitting there obviously horny about it It was just a strange, you know, obviously that was just a way for them to use that song. But I also felt like they are planting, if they're not trying to plant a seed there, that like, Cheryl is going to, you know, make a honey trap for, for principal honey. Honey pot, if you will. Yes, a honey pot. That's the one.

Yeah. Like, I feel like she's going to use her sexual prowess to take him down. And that's fine. And that's what Cheryl does best. But it is a strange relationship. they have. Yes, a very strange relationship and I don't know where it's going to go. Something tells me it's going to get worse before it gets better for the two of them. But hopefully that she holds him like hostage or something. I think that would be fun and sexy. I'm not saying

I don't want to see it because I think at this point they're all 29 years old. So I think that I just, just a little bit. Principal Honey is going to go south and I will say I believe there's like, what, eight more episodes of this season? What the fuck is possibly going to happen? Yeah, I love not knowing how many episodes are left because it means that I can't do a kind of like mental image of like how much time is left for them to resolve anything, which makes sense because you never,

you don't want to put your hopes and expectations on anything getting resolved in Riverdale, you know? No. And I got very excited because another part of this episode, in between songs that made no sense. was that Hiram was working out at the boxing ring with Archie. This is important. And he almost felt like he almost dropped the weight on him and Archie helped him and carried it.

And so he's not supposed to be working out because as we all know, quote unquote, Hiram Lodge is sick. I still don't believe it. I still think that it's a lie. I know, me too. And I'm like so worried that they're like using this very. like emotionally manipulative, like vague degenerative disease to be like, oh, we should care about Hiram and I'm absolutely 100% sure that it's a lie.

It has to be a lie. So what happened? So before they have their big, their big upsetting, like fight between the top four singing match, Archie had told Veronica that he was still working out at the boxing ring place that he owns, which remember when that was a big issue, three or four episodes ago. And it's not anymore. Don't worry. The man that was trying to kill Archie, I guess, doesn't exist.

I forgot about that, actually. Not that many episodes ago. It was like probably four or five episodes ago. And so apparently Hiram Lodge fell down a flight of stairs or something because he's so sick you can't walk. I don't know, guys. And then Veronica. I don't know, guys. Veronica was so mad at Archie because Archie didn't tell her.

and it was like, and then I was like, Veronica, you're out of line here. And then I was like, oh, they're just doing this so they can sing this song. Which still didn't even make any sense. It still didn't make any sense. What are we going to do, Molly? I don't know what to do. I almost broke my television while I was watching this episode. Yeah, it's not currently a good television program is the issue.

But we love you guys. And I just, I don't know what's going to happen now. That's the thing. I love talking about Riverdale with you. And I love hearing from people about how. See, it sounds like you're about to break up with me, Molly. That's how people break up with each other. And I love you.

And I do love the show. I enjoy the time we spend together. It's just that I don't know where it's going. I can't handle a breakup today, Molly. But boy, do I not know where it's going? I really don't. Mama Mia. I don't know, dog.

All I know is that I'm kind of, at least I'm into the barchy side plot because it's like at least something bad girl is happening. Yeah, I haven't to that. Although I need them to stop dressing Betty in these fucking shirts. Old Marmee town that she was fucking living in. What wore those outfits this episode? They've been stepping it up lately. She always wears like light pink. pink, you know, cardigans and like plain sweaters and whatever, and that's fine. But now she seems

to make this Lily Reinhardt have, it's like that, it's like that ghost story about the woman who only wears high neck, you know, blouses. Oh my God, she's got the ribbon around her neck. Exactly. It's because her head's been cut off. Like, Lily Reinhard is only, does she have some sort of scar? She's only allowed to wear very, very prim and proper high neck, unflattering things. And meanwhile, I'm just discovering my attraction to Lily Reinhart, and I don't want her to be wearing such marmy clothes. Set her free costume designers for the lava. Now, I will say another thing that made me so upset is that the showrunner, so they were talking about, I just saw like a blip, that the showrunner was saying, you know, oh, we have our musical episode every year. And so there's this song, the song that they play in the end, Wicked Little Town, is a song from Headwick.

Obviously they're all songs from Headwick. And he's like, how do you not do a musical? Because Wicked Little Town is Riverdale. I guess fine. But isn't that, that's like saying, oh, but Batman, of course, Batman, something, something, Gotham. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know anything about Batman.

I don't know why I started saying that. You could find, and you could take any musical and find one song that would work for Riverdale. I'll do it right now. I was stubborn from The Music Man. And it doesn't mean that you should, because it's a song about how people in the town are idiots who won't change their minds about anything. And you could absolutely be like, Iowa stubborn. Of course that's about Riverdale. There's a bunch of people who won't change their minds.

And that does not mean that we then do a Harold Hill episode about Riverdale, although that would actually work perfectly. You know, so that's not a good example. A lot better than fucking headwig. Yeah. You cannot, you can, you can, any musical has one song that you could be like, of course that's Riverdale, you know, doesn't mean you should take the whole musical. So I hope maybe they learned a lesson, but they probably didn't. They did.

They never learn a lesson. But wait, help me do a little bit of an autopsy here because there's been only three musicals, right? But there's four seasons. Right. So the first season didn't have a musical. Is that right? And then the first one was Carrie. And then it was Heather's.

Yes. And then it was, okay. But were we talking about this? Where it's like, why didn't they do like mean girls or something? Yeah, I mean. Make so much more sense. And so many musicals would have made more sense than Headwig. Like, yes, Riverdale is like a relatively gay show, but that's all it has.

Like, there is no, as far as I could tell, there is no plotline connection to Headwick other than they were in the, in this episode, they were like, oh, like Kevin's gay and like Cheryl and Titi are gay. Like, we all love headwig. Yeah, but also, none of them are a transgender woman from East Germany. Right. During the time of the Berlin Wall. Right. And like, like, I liked the kind of like solidarity on display in terms of Riverdale High, like, all being like, yeah, we'll all do Headwig.

But it was not earned. Reggie's over here, like, loving Kevin performing Headwig. That was kind of fun. But I'm like, there's no reason to believe that anybody else in Riverdale High cares about Headwig. No. I don't think most 16 or 17-year-olds do anymore. Although maybe this will give a resurgence of it. I hope that it does.

I definitely didn't find Hedwig until I was in college. I definitely wish I was listening to it in high school. Yeah, and it sounds like it's a good musical for high schoolers in terms of being about, like, you know, identity and struggle and like... And freedom. It's great. It is great. Yeah, right.

But, you know, we will see also, hopefully we will see how this all plays out because in the end, as they were singing on top of pop. for some reason and everyone gathered around with their camcorders making VHS tapes of the children singing on top of the diner. What year is it, Riverdale? Yeah, you know how many people bring a VHS with them. All I know is that I'm even more scared because we're starting to head. So I believe that they were shooting this episode in February, like January, February. They just did the Headwick episode.

I know that due to obviously everything that's happening right now, the shooting schedule has been put off. Okay. I don't know what the last episode they've gotten the can is. I don't know what they're going to do. Are they going to finish the season via Zoom? Because honestly, I would watch that. Let's, or they're going to do...

I want to see all these characters in quarantine. I'd also be, you know what throwing out here, Riverdale? You can get a mulligan from Jackie Zabrowski. if this ends up being like the second season of Friday Night Lights, I'm here for it. Can we trash it and start over again? Can we start the year over again? I think it's great because the reason I was thinking about the last musicals,

it makes so much sense that season one didn't have a musical. Because you know, you know how I hold season one up on a pedestal. I'm like, season one of Redale was so fucking good. And then I was like, is it possible that Carrie was season one? Because I remember Carrie was like fine, but I also remember watching it and like, I don't want this from Riverdale. I want Riverdale. But that obviously goes to show.

Season one was flawless. Season two was good enough that when they did Carrie, I was like, I don't know about that. And then by the time they did Heather's, I was like, I really don't know about this. And then here we are in the full, full descent into, they should probably pretend that this never happened. And I'm here for it. Maybe they'll take our advice. And if you don't, I get it. We are still, you know, we'll be here until the end of time.

And you guys, I hope that you will come back every week and listen to Molly. Scream into the void. Yeah, we're not going anywhere in a physical sense and in an emotional sense. I would never break up with you, Jackie. I'm never going to break up with you, Molly. We're here forever. We will continue to do this show. It's no matter how bad it is for all of us.

I'm going to throw it out there, though. I think that my brain needed to be, like I haven't been this angry in all of this. Everything that's been going on. I haven't been this angry. And I think I may have needed it. Yeah, right. I think I may have needed to get this angry at something that it was a more fun thing that I actually have no control over.

Yeah, that's right. We need a release, you know. So good to let your anger out at Principal Honey, Archie, Veronica, who I'm just always mad at, you know. I'm always mad at her. Honestly, I was even that mad this time because she was doing what she could. I'm not angry at any of the characters. this episode. Yeah. I'm really not.

Yeah, that's true. It's not their fault. That's true. And I I don't know what Lily Reinhart's been doing lately, but I do find her to be foxier. She is really, she's gorgeous. I think she's gorgeous. I think that they're all gorgeous. Gideon likes Lily Reinhardt, so. Yeah, I saw the huge smile on his face when you said it. So I'm glad I used to be like, she's plain and boring. And now I'm like, I'm like the kombucha meme. I get it. Yeah. Oh, I get it. Oh, I get it.

Even just seeing the little tiny, the bits of fallis singing together in certain scenes made me happy. Just any little bit of Skeed-Dolrich I can get. But that's the problem he's going to be gone soon. He's going to be gone soon, Molly. That's going to be, that's really, when Skeed-Dill Ridge is gone and you and I are still watching Riverdale, that's going to be like what a couple should have broken up, but have been still together for like a whole year. That's going to be us. It's going to be that.

It's going to be us both sleeping on the couch. and just like, oh, why don't we enjoy sleeping in the same bed anymore? But I guess we'll take it as it comes. And we love you guys. Thank you so much for joining with us. And I hope that you screamed as well at your television screens. And if you don't watch Riverdale, I say mazzle to you. You know what?

You were right all along. And I want you to know that if you stopped watching Riverdale, you were right. And I need you to know that. Based on the amount of tweets and instas that I got about this episode, I am assuming that a lot of people were screaming into the void. And also, you know what, do yourself a flavor this week? Watch Hedwig. That's what you need to do.

To wash our brains of this disease of an episode, go watch Hedwig, because you will enjoy it. Anything else you need to report for, Molly? I love the thing of this. There's more than one disease around right now, and it's Riverdale. It's the new one coming into town, all right? Yeah, watch out, COVID. There's a new pandemic, and it's the headwig episode of Riverdale.

Yeah, I am going to watch Headweek because I did, I got to say, I enjoyed the music a lot. I was like, I can tell that this is probably a great musical, so I should watch it. That's what I really do. I hope you're able to watch it this week. And I think that you could convince the council in your home to watch it because it's great. Yeah, I think that's a good idea. We all need more musicals in our life right now. Yes, we do.

We love you guys so much. And we will help be back next week. we will be fucking back next week, all right? And I'm ready for it. I'm ready for you, Riverdale. I've got my coat of armor wine on. That's what you need. Yeah, that's the, don't face Riverdale without a coat of armor wine.

Absolutely neck deep. We love you guys. We'll talk to you next week. Bye. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors. You can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to,

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