Page 7 - Riverdale Roundup Vol. 13: Thespian Terrorism

Episode Date: April 26, 2018

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What's up, was that, my little tidly winks. It is Jackie here. I got a quick favor to ask of all of you guys today. Thank you so much for listening over the years, but we do need a little bit of your help. You could just fill out the survey that's in the description of the show today, or it's also on my Instagram at Jack That Worm.

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Musical episode. We are at odds on this podcast today. We're all at odds on the Riverdale Cary Musical Special episode. It's two against one today. Yeah, I mean, honestly, I'm at odds with myself. The entire time I was watching it, I was like kind of, you know, flinching and looking away and then looking back, and it was just a very, like, almost a physically uncomfortable experience. It was a very physically uncomfortable experience.

Ah, you, yike, what? I started listening to the fucking Spotify playlist that has all the Riverdale songs on it. Thank you very much. I loved it. I loved everything about it. And I know it was cheesy, and I loved it. When you say everything about it, did you hear when Archie sang, though? Yeah, Archie singing made me, like, not.

like music for a while. He sounds like he's a member of yellow card. I, especially when it opened up with him working out and memorizing lines, come on, guys. They got so much going on in their lives. Question two, though, follow up. Did you see Archie dance because that may have been worse. It was so much worse when he was trying to dance. Oh, his little snapping.

I wrote that down. Also, the look on his face when he was dancing looked like he was, I don't know. about to destroy some ice cream. Maybe more pussy than anything, but his face was just so intense. You know, I used to really be able to picture myself wanting to have sex with KJ. Appa, like, even, you know, even if not, like, strongly, I was like, yeah, that is an attractive man. Entertain the idea. And now I just, I just don't think I can do it.

I'm too embarrassed for him. Yeah. It was rough. He probably, I mean, apparently Cole Spouse said, a drughead had said that he did not want to sing in this episode. So that's why he was the videographer. Smart. He made that very clear.

He wasn't going to sing. But KJ. Appa probably should have done the same thing. I'm going to say right up top, like the opening number, Kevin obviously has the best voice out of the entire cast. Right. And he got to sing what? Less than a verse. Right.

I was not down with that. I didn't like that. He obviously was the one that was born to sing a full song, a full number. They should have written a song just for him. Yeah. Kevin got robbed. Yeah. Yeah, but also so did Ethel, because Ethel obviously has a great singing voice as well.

But at the same time, you know what, just sidebar, they really, you know, they're fronping up Ethel pretty hard in this show. Yeah, they're going extra frump on Ethel on this season. I don't think it's fair because also, like, when Betty comes up to walk, to, like, talk to her about her intentions with the show, she's looking for M&Ms in the trail mix. Come on, guys. Yeah, no, I agree. Especially because one of the things I love about season one episode three, which is the one where the girls get their like sisterhood revenge on the boys who had the list, is that Ethel is kind of frumpy because she's Barb, obviously. And but everyone's like cool with it. And everyone's, it's not like, wow, look at this frump queen.

It's just like, oh, yeah, Ethel. They were mean to Ethel. Well, let's have Ethel's back. And it was like totally normalized how she was little frumpy. And then now in this one, she's like, the frumpy girl must. be the alienated murderer. I was born to play Carrie. I mean, she was born to play Carrie.

That's true. For sure, are you kidding me? She's the carry of the show. They just didn't throw any blood on her. Yeah, I mean, I will say, as much as it is definitely two to one in terms of how good this musical episode was, I will say that by the end, I was very happy. The end was very satisfying. Very much. And I got to admit, I liked the Veronica song, the, what was it, The World According to Chris.

Uh-huh. Yeah, the daddy song, the one where she definitely just kept talking about daddy. Yeah, the daddy song. I very much, I like the daddy song. Yeah. I liked that one. And I liked Veronica's singing voice, if that was, in fact, her singing voice. Because some of them you can tell if it's their, I don't think Betty sang her own songs.

I don't think, argued to sing his own songs and got it, unfortunately. You mean you're trying to say you're thrilled he's getting back into music Even if it's not rock and roll which is a line from Fred Yeah Fred being in a musical is not the same thing You know what this episode made me long for though is the days of the 90s musical episodes which weren't usually musicals But we're usually just there is a band that your main characters have had That you've never seen rehearsed before

But this whole episode is about their career as a band. I'm thinking specifically of the same by the Bell episode where Zach Attack becomes very popular and it's really spoiler alert, it's a dream. But they tour the world

and get like number one on Casey Kasem's list and whatnot and it's such a good episode because it's not a musical but it does feature all of your actors pretending to sing and it has all that same awkwardness but this is it was and I love musicals

and I love Riverdale and it is the first five minutes, I was just like, I don't know if this is going to work. Molly, I just realized when we said, I, when I opened up this Skype call and we said two against one, I thought it meant that you and I both loved the musical against the Marcus. Molly, telling your back on me? I wanted, you don't know how excited I was. I double-checked the time that this was going to be on and the date because there had been that little hiatus. I was so excited and and then I just got so uncomfortable so quickly right away I was just really really

deeply uncomfortable me too yeah and I especially like I was watching it in my office like on a lunch break and I just hear Carolina from the other room what the fuck are you watching it's an embarrassing thing to be heard watching yes just to be heard watching and I have also been like and that's the thing is I because of this episode have lost the rights to make fun of her for anything she watches ever again. For now it. Because now it's just, I've tried it. I tried it yesterday making fun of her for watching something. And then she just said, Riverdale, you were watching a bunch of teenagers do a musical yesterday. I'm like, fuck. Yeah, she's got me. Oh, come on. It was so worth it in the end.

Are you kidding me? Sure. I mean, we can't even get to this yet. But when she comes in, covered in that blood with a candelabra against her own mother, come on, guys. Yes. The end was great and I was on board. This is why I say I'm conflicted within myself. I think the two against one does count unfortunately as me not on the same side as you, but I was going back and forth throughout the episode. The main thing was that I realized right away that this was, this episode was not going to give me what I want from a Riverdale episode, which is just like spicy teen drama. This was going to give me a musical. And sometimes I want a musical. And I thought maybe I wanted both, but it just wasn't, it wasn't a, it didn't feel like a real Riverdale episode

for that reason until the end when it brought it in and brought it back. And I will say I did like another song. I loved Alice Cooper's song. Dude, I love her so much. I want to be her so badly. I just want to be Alice Cooper. Also, throw Hall away. What are you doing? Get after FP, girl, stop playing. Yeah, but that's not, that's FP playing. Because remember she went, to pops and she's like hey so do you want to come to the musical he's like yeah i don't know if that time because fp's being a dick had for some reason i don't know why fp's trying to play coy but he missed his chance because that's no that's what happens when you date a bad boy bad boys don't want to come see you in the musical bad boys don't want to support you in any way but you know what bad boys do

they fucking sling you on their pouch crouch and they get it get it give it give it and if you're listening and you're like wait a minute what alice cooper was in musical? Oh yeah. Alice Cooper, the mom, was in the high school musical because that is the world we live in in Riverdale. Well, you know what? But I totally agree with Kevin that age-appropriate, age-inappropriate casting

is terrible. It's amateur. He said there's nothing more amateur than age-appropriate casting. And I agree. He's right, but also he's talking about Riverdale. Just saying, just saying. Better.

There's just such a lack of oversight amongst, of the children in the high school from the adults. There's such interact, the children have such an influence at a kind of municipal policy level. And yet when it comes to what goes on within the walls of the school, I'm just like, where are the grown-ups? There has to be grown-ups somewhere.

Well, all the grown-ups do is just crush dreams because apparently principal weather be is totally fine with Cheryl's horrible mother coming in and saying that Cheryl can't be the lead of the play. Yeah, that was another thing. I was like, I don't know how, I'm like, I've reached this terrible age work. I watch teen dramas and I start thinking from the point of view of like the administrators. And I'm like, I don't know if Cheryl's mother should be allowed to do that. But yeah, that was, there's just a lot of, a lot of influence coming up from the children.

And then inappropriately coming down, like, yeah, Cheryl's mom just came in and was like, no, you can't do it. And it was, I mean, you know, it was devastating. It was. I got to say Cheryl is the queen of the single tier. She's very good at it. It's only ever the single tier, though. And, man, T.T. was looking fucking hot. Yes, episode.

Yeah, sitting in place of, what is it, PJ Souls, the wonderful, beautiful PJ Souls, also of rock and roll high school. Perfect choice. Rock and Roll High School? Yeah, well, it's a Carrie Rock and Roll. The girl that T.T. was playing in Carrie was also in Rock and Roll High School as the main character, yes.

Yeah, BJ Souls, a long time. horror movie be movie queen. So question, because I've never seen the movie high school musical. And I was wondering if this episode of Riverdale is kind of, you know, referencing a genre that I'm unfamiliar with, which is like the teen television musical already. I got no idea. No idea. Absolutely no idea.

See, but I kind of like, I liked how it was like fluid and it's like Betty and Veronica had their weird. I'm sorry song that really wasn't saying sorry had nothing to do with that, but I like that they used it anyway because they used their faces and their hand dancing. There was so much game dancing. I think what Carrie the musical really

needed was a choreographer because there was something, I don't know if it's because it was based in the 19th, like they were doing like a 1970s thing with it, but it was a lot of like slapping their hips, like the top of their hip bone dancing as if they were going to put their hands in their pockets. There was so much of that. I was like, pick another move.

Yeah. yeah. Well, and his passion might I bring up again, Archie dancing. He was literally doing like little, he was doing like the Carlton, you know, like with the little hand circles and snapping. It was like, oh my God, it was. But that's the one thing that even though at the beginning I was like, I don't think I'm going to enjoy this. After the first musical number, I did decide that I really wanted to be in the cast of Riverdale filming this episode because I'll bet that it was so much fun to sing and dance together. I bet it was.

Oh, wait, you wanted to be Jughead? videoing everything, all of these secret conversations, is that what you wanted to be? Because he was taping way too much. There doesn't need to be that much of B-roll of a high school musical. Yeah, and also why did Kevin's like, I got this letter. You can't tell anybody. And right in front of him is the camera with a flashing red light. You can't tell anybody.

You can film me saying this, but you can't tell anybody. Yeah, and Archie and Veronica were having like a deeply private conversation. And they didn't seem to notice that Jughead was in the auditorium with them Because otherwise it seemed like they assumed that they were in an empty auditorium or something And Jughead is like lurking behind the chairs No one should have given like the you know the amateur investigative journalist the camera No To document also why do they even need a camera it's a live stage musical

It wasn't a movie Because it was the best the writers could come up with for the kid who refused to sing Yeah Yes Exactly. That's exactly what happened. But also, I mean, I feel like I'm jumping all over. A lot happened in this episode despite all of the singing, which I like. Yeah. I mean, Cheryl and Josie made up, although I did realize at that moment that I would never get to see Cheryl and Josie kiss because they put a bow on that one.

Yeah, but I'm glad they made up, although I still think that Josie was just being way too like homophobic or overreacting. I don't know. She wasn't being homophobic. I think it was just the same type of thing where like if a dude was super obsessed with you and was like drawing pictures of you two together and sent you a pig heart you'd be pretty freaked out. Yeah, that's fair. And the show has been so good at having

like other queer characters and stuff but there's part of me that's just like Josie relax like but also Cheryl's a fucking creep. So I guess I guess it's a bit of a creep. Let's we forget like Cheryl says things like you and Claudius are pig people

and should live amongst the It's so fucking great. And I will not succumb to Thespian terrorism. Cheryl has the best lines, man. I think that that actress might be my favorite person of the whole project. She's great. She's so good.

Where did she get that blood in the end? It's my It's my, it's my brothers. Man, she's gonna fucking, I believe in Cheryl, 100,000 percent. Go get them, girl. You fucking go get them. Yeah, and she really was able

to terrorize her mother without, she was only holding a candelabra. Like, her mother has, technically still has so much power over her, but she was really able to just, like, freeze, like, kind of freeze her in her tracks. But remember, her mother's like Frankenstein, afraid of fire.

She was burned. Oh, yes. Yeah, man, she got burned, bitch. Because of the full, third-degree burns that she got and recovered. That are completely gone. They're all gone now. She shouldn't be that afraid.

She's obviously very good at healing from fire. But the real question is was Ethel making a vision board? Or was she pretending to be the black? I really love that. It's for my vision board. Of course Ethel has a vision board.

For her non-character in the fucking show. I love it. Also, can we talk about how each character had their own dress room and a high school musical. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's exactly what I thought. I was like, why does Ethel have her own dressing room?

I don't even think she has any lines. I'm going to songs. Everybody has their own personalized dressing room. It was gigantic. That's why Southside High didn't have any money because they fucking put all of it into the Riverdale Theater department. They have a Broadway theater installed.

Even though there's only like 12 kids in this play. You know, they didn't choose a musical with a chorus. It's just all of the main characters already. Yeah, it's just all the main characters all got the parts. I mean, so it's not like theater's a big thing in Riverdale High. No, it's just like all the main characters, the only ones who do cheerleading and football and wrestling. A lot of kids who go to Riverdale who just don't do any extra cleric activities.

But I would love to talk about how great Fred was in this episode. Yeah. Fred was like everything that Fred says was just like, Archie, your father is amazing. Why are you acting like such a little shit? Yeah. So good. And then the Archie car finally comes.

Yeah. Like that's the Archie car. Because if you look at like old Archie comics, that was the jalopy that Archie always drove around. But of course, Archie being the idiot that he is, he went and chose a car that doesn't have an engine. They'll build one, Marcus, as father and sunk. And he only did it after Fred guilted him about spending so much time with his other father. Mm-hmm. And then finally, but finally he stood up to Lodon.

Finally, he stood up to Hiram Lodge. Yeah. It's not going to end well, though. But speaking of daddies, who is Chick's father and why didn't they say it? It's got to be, but I feel like they're pushing too close to the sun with FP. Maybe it's not FP. No, but who else could it be? It's got to be F.P.

Because it's not Hiram Lodge. Oh. Oh, I just got something. Oh, I just got something. No. I think it's the Black Hood, son. I think it's going to come out that chick is the son

of whoever the Black Hood is because as we know the Black Hood is back The Black Hood is back He's back The Black Hood I wrote down Black Hood is Backhood That's what I wrote in my Riverdale

notes And you know Spoiler alert but Midge is the first one to know it Dude The Crucifix of Midge You know what? Good night. Get Midge out of here. I hate Midge. I don't like Midge either.

They never gave Midge enough to do. She was just a prop when they needed to shoot at that other guy. Yeah, Midge was just kind of there to be like, oh, yeah, your boyfriend's bisexual and you don't know it. Yeah. They didn't give Midge enough. You know, I remember the other day we were talking about Midge because like Barbie's cohort. You know, Barbie has a Midge in her universe. And then there is a Midge. in the Riverdale universe, and I appreciate the Midge comeback. Honestly, I think it's great. But so, okay, so if we're going to talk about the Black Hood right now, you've got to talk about the moments right before the reveal,

the moments backstage, because I noticed a few things. You noticed a few things that honestly went right by my head because I was still in too much pain from all the cringing, that I was not even keeping my eye out for important murder details. When it looked like Midge was about to get sexually assaulted in her baby, bed in her dressing room? I didn't think she was getting sexually assaulted. I thought it looked like that she was making out with Kevin's young friend.

Who is that guy? Yeah, let's not forget. Who is that guy? Yes, who was Kevin's young friends that was there silently by Kevin's side the entire time? That was super weird. We've never met him before, right? No, we've never met him before. No.

Silent young friend. There's no way he's the black hood, though. No, that would be a real janitor move fucking introducing a guy who wasn't even there earlier to be the murderer. Well, here's at the sequence of events is that they saw Midge and the young friend in the dressing room.

Couple seconds later, Moose walks by pissed off. Don't know why Moose is so pissed off. So it could be that young Kevin's friend is bisexual. But Moose is also bisexual. Exactly. There's a lot of bisexuals in this show. Which I love. Oh yeah, I'm at man

Apparently it's a big thing among the kids these days Yeah, kids are queer as hell It's great Kids are totally going for it It's wonderful But I think the person backstage That was most important Looking very ominous

And somewhat devilish as he walked through Was Sheriff Keller Dude, see I wrote down when he was walking through Every time I see Sheriff Keller My loins a flight He is so fucking hot man, it can't be Keller. But he does have the blue eyes.

He has the blue eyes. Does he? No, green eyes. Doesn't the black hood have green eyes? Green eyes. Green eyes. Green eyes. Blueish green. Blueish green. They're not dark. It's the important thing. As soon as I saw Keller go by, I wrote down,

are we going to find out the sheriff Keller is the black hood? Because I got a, I just, I got a feeling. I got a feel on my loins that they're really telegraph in Keller is the black hood here, like the telegraph the janitor. It's just hard because they keep showing the blackwoods, the black hood. eyes when he like in that moment when he almost kills Archie's dad and his eyes looks so much like fucking Hal's eyes like I know they look so much like Hal's eyes and it's hard for me to believe that there are anybody else's eyes but I don't think they're

Hal's so you also have to kind of think okay like Sue was the Blackhood actually the one sending the letters because remember all of the vision board that magazine pages were in Ethel's trash can. So the whole time you're thinking like, oh, there's no way. Okay. So the Black Hood thing, that was just Ethel being weird. But then Mid shows up crucified with the very elaborately that it looks like the Black Hood put together in what, 20 minutes or so? On stage with the message.

The message was in letters or was it painted in blood? It was painted in blood. It was painted in blood. That's, I mean, that's a lot of work to do in 20 minutes. Also, I feel like she needed more scissors to truly hold her body up there. You know what would have prevented this tragedy is a crew that was working on the show backstage, you know, get some grips back there, really let any other high school students be involved with this high school production, and there would have been more witnesses. But why would they do that when they have Fred Andrews to build everything himself? Very true.

Fred Andrews, as far as I can tell, never told anybody at the school except Archie that he was going to build the sets. And then when he and Archie got into a fight, he showed up with the sets and Archie was like, oh, I just assumed you wouldn't do that because of, you know. And Fred's like, well, I keep my promises. And like, Archie, what did you think was going to happen to the sets? If your dad wasn't going to do it, you idiot, were you going to tell somebody else,

oh, my dad was going to build these sets, but we need somebody else to build them because I'm too much of a dick to even, like, thank him for anything. Archie, other people are relying on you, man. But remember, Chick showed up. backstage right before the show. So Chick was there.

Chick was there. Oh, God, I forgot about that. But wait. So why would it be Keller? What would his motive be? I don't know. We don't know. No, no, no.

I'm just throwing it out there. Chaos, man. Sheriff's love chaos. Yeah, so I guess it would have to be somebody with something against Cheryl. Or could it be Mr. Muggs? Not the chimp. Ethel's father. Because they're trying to get Cheryl out of there.

And they thought that maybe if Cheryl got out of there, the Ethel would be pushed up, but instead it was Midge. And why kill Midge? Because she was the one that was promoted. I think why kill Midge because she was the one that was promoted instead of Ethel? So I think it's Mr. Muggs. Either Sheriff Keller or Mr. Mugs, one of the two. But probably Mr. Mugs.

Mr. Mugs is good. But so why was Chick there, though? I didn't even think about that. I mean, it could also be, maybe Mr. Muggs is also Chick's father. It could be, or that, or I still believe, I know that we've already had the, um, the whole evil twin brother coming with Claudius. But what if Hal has an evil twin brother as well, since technically they're kin? Uh-huh. And that runs in kin.

That's true. Yeah. Maybe he's got an evil twin brother that birth, chick, that Alice fucked, because there's a reason why he did not say, they didn't say who Chick's father was, that it would make sense. that if it was Hal's evil twin brother that Alice slept with, had the baby, they give the baby up for adoption. Interesting. You know, that unfortunately I think is the most realistic. Based on these damn Riverdow writers,

just be like, oh, was it an evil damn twin you didn't even know about. And then they have some backwards justification of it, like he is actually in the Blossom family and twins run in the family. But I think that you might have just, of the problem. I'm totally sold on that explanation. We're really putting this together, guys. I did just want, this is a whole sidebar,

but the line, when they're all having their big medley song, we're leaving as boys but were coming home as men, was probably one of the most disgusting things I've ever heard in a musical before, because that's what you say about war, not doing a high school musical. I know, the song was, about prom because

about fucking. But it does sound like a war thing. It does. I think that's more the men thing. It's like once you look into the eyes of someone you kill, I think then that's when you become a real man, I guess. Yeah, man, FB really was in and out. Like he...

Oh, he was so hurt when he walked in and saw hell there giving her a purse. But you know what? He had his chance. He blew it. I don't think he blew it. I follow him and on I am on Instagram. Something is going to happen this evening. Oh my God, it's tonight.

Oh, it is tonight. Oh, it is tonight. I just want to see her bumping on his pouch crotch. Oh, damn. You know what, it's insane that someone can look that sexy in a diner outfit. Yeah. It's a feat. I'll say that.

Hachimash. He, I've said before, I'll say it again. has gotten 50 times hotter from when he was a teenager. I mean, he was hot then. I think this is just a different hot. I think we're just old now. Yeah, but when he was a teenager, I thought he was like creepy hat. And now he's like bad boy hot, which is still kind of creepy, but significantly less creepy.

I mean, he played really fucking creepy characters as a teenager. He did. He did. But he grew up. Yeah, but he grew up into a person who plays only slightly creepy characters. Speaking of people who need to grow up, Betty really needs to stop airing her personal grievances in the middle of rehearsal. In front of everybody. Man, she was like, that was cold what she said to Veronica.

In front of everyone, you don't do that. Come on, B. Come on, it's a Cooper thing because apparently, and then just a few scenes later, Alice decides to air all of her personal grievances and fears with Betty in front of everyone during a rehearsal. Yeah, but then Betty made up with. Veronica privately, but still in song form. And then made up with her mother privately, but also not being taped, which I was surprised. I thought, man, I thought that Alice Cooper's breakdown was pretty great, though. She's a great actress.

She is. Yeah, she is. She's almost too good for the show. But she, like, she lends, she definitely lends quite a bit to the production. Yeah. I love her. Oh, yeah. God, I love her so much.

I really want to just be her. How do I be her? What do I do? Do I start wearing snake skin? You got to be friends with David Lynch. All right. Can we make that happen? Please.

You'll be long, like lifelong, personal friends with David Lynch. Damn. That's how you get to do that cool. If I can burn back time. All right. Well, I love this episode and I'm going to continue to listen to the Riverdale, the musical Spotify playlist. So sue me.

Doing it. We'll be. back next week with, uh, let's see here, what's the next one called chapter 32, prisoners. Oh my God. Oh no, the prison. Why through line is coming out. I forgot about the prison. Dad, I've been thinking, I don't think I want the prison anymore.

Oh my God, I can't wait to talk about it. Not that the musical is over. We should probably go back to this prison and take over the town. So never we like forget about the prison or it's just me that's been thinking about the prison the entire time? I just feel bad for anyone that still wants to bang KJ. Appa after that episode. Just saying, I'm sorry. I'm throwing shade.

I'm throwing judgment here, but rough. If they do, man, they've got it bad. It really took away his sexuality. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or just sew his lips together. Use him like a big meat sock. See all next week. Bye.

See you next week, babies.