Page 7 - Riverdale Roundup Vol. 14: Make My Bones

Episode Date: May 4, 2018

Jackie and Marcus recap the latest Riverdale episode: "Chapter Thirty-Three: Shadow of a Doubt".  Patreon subscribers get even more hatchi -matchis! www.patreon.com/page7podcast Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

And we were fucking right, bitches. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, let's not say definitively that we were right or that you were right. I danced all over the house. I tried to explain to Henry what had happened. He didn't get it. No, and of course we're talking about the very end of this episode. And a lot happened in this episode. So do we want to get to that later?

Do we want to build up to it or do you just want to gloat right now? No, we'll get, we'll get to it later. Well, so let's just, because Molly's not here today, so we, you know, we got it. It's just us. It's just as chickens. So let's start off. Let's just start at the beginning. Midge's funeral, are you fucking kidding me?

Oh, my God. Also, it's like, why were they wearing black hoods at a black hood murder funeral? Right? I was like, isn't that important? The entire funeral wasn't poor taste I mean what the fuck First of all Where did they get the black cheerleading uniforms in just what

A day and a half Second of all Did they practice the pom-pom rays at the end of Cheryl's speech And also why weren't Betty and Veronica included In this cheerleading mourn routine I don't know but also why was Ethel wearing zebra print You don't wear zebra print to a funeral Not a teenage murder

A teenage, like a brutal public teenage murder That the entire town witnessed And Ethel's just zebra print Yeah, but then she's all just like I didn't do it, I just wanted to be the musicals Like, shut up, Ethel Put another fucking bow in your hair I'm just gonna say, I mean these teenagers

Have no sense of time or place. I mean, it's that, you know, they air out all of their arguments and all of their emotional dirty laundry during play practice, and then they do pom-pom routines at a funeral. But also, why is Cheryl at the head of this? It's like, why? Because she was in the musical? Because she should have been the one that was killed? And also, when did Cheryl become such a good friend of Midge? Nobody cared about Midge. I think that's what happens, though. It's like, especially like in a high school type situation. Everyone's just like, Like world's greatest dad.

Yes. The Robin Williams movie where it's just like, he was such a good, he was such a good person. Like, no, he was a piece of shit. Sucks that he died, but like, no, he's a piece of shit. And not that Midge was a piece of shit, but Midge, who gives a fuck? Midge was Midge was Midge was Midge's girlfriend and that was about as far as Midge went. Yeah, but then also that, like, what was that sensual rubbing at the funeral of Mous? Yeah.

Of the other guy. Oh, because Midge. Thanks. That's what we all had with it. Yeah, that's what we all. thought about with moose is that moose might be bisexual but it looks like moose is leaning a little bit more towards the dude side these days yeah i think midge was a cover-up you think she's a beard right maybe i mean i've been my fair share of beards i feel like i'm allowed to throw beard card on midge so after the funeral

you know what i'm really surprised i was fully expecting archie to bring up the prison but you know what Archie hasn't brought up the prison in two episodes. No, and also the title was called Prisoners. But that had a whole other meaning. That had a whole other thing. And of course, that has to do with chick. Or should I say not chick? Not chick.

Not fucking chick, man. And he also got sacrificed. Remember when he just tried to knife everyone in the kitchen? Suddenly tried to knife everyone in the kitchen So it comes to a point Where Betty realizes that chick may not be who he says he is Jugghead comes in on the scheme So they go to the Sisters of Mercy

Where Cheryl had just gone through the gay conversion therapy And where Betty's sister had been held While she had Jason Blossom's twins They do a lot at that nunnery There's a log. It's very central to Riverdale, this nunnery. It's home for wayward children. So what I thought was kind of fucked up was when Betty was trying to get information about chicks,

she was like, if you don't give us the information we want, then we're going to blow the lid off of this gay conversion therapy thing you've got going on here. And then when the nun gave her the information she wanted, Betty was like, okay, thanks. Keep doing the gay conversion therapy. Bye. Oh, yeah, just left. But also, I've loved when the nun was just like,

I never forget my children. It's like, oh, good for you. Ripping out the babies of kids that want to keep the babies and trying to have gay conversion therapy happening. Good. You know what, good on you. I forgot how great you were, you fucking nun.

And so they come back to the house. They figure out that chick is not who he says he is. chick lashes out they tie him up in the basement and we find out that the real chick Charles was actually chick's boyfriend

and that he OD'd on jingle jangle jangle jangle is back motherfuckas when they the second they said the word jingle jangle I went this is another one of those episodes that I did that like five times Nick St. Clair

Oh, Nick St. Clair. Oh, my God. We'll get to Nick St. Clair. We'll get to Nick St. Clair. And so, so, Betty is trying to figure out what to do with Chick down in the basement. And then a familiar ringtone comes. Lollipop. Lollipop.

I'm glad she never got rid of the song for the Black Hood, just in case. It's like the dude got murdered. I would take his contact information out of it. of my phone. If someone gets murdered, you take it out. Well, I thought what was interesting is that she had to, either she set every number that was unknown that came into her phone, either she set every number that was unknown to play lollipop, or the Black Hood somehow like snuck in and programmed lollipop to play on her phone every time he called. That's the only explanation. No, unless it is Hal Cooper, because then he has full access to her phone. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but we'll get to that. I know. I'll get to that. And so, how, excuse me, the Black Hood tells Betty that she can get out of all this if only she sacrifices chick to him. Dun, dun, don't. And then she does. She does, which is more going to toss up. Because also, you know what, how else do you get rid of all of it? How do you make it all go away?

Kill him. Yeah, yeah, because you can't have this. Can't have them running. running around. Eye for an eye. Eye for an eye. And so the Black Hood chases down chick and kills him. And then Betty comes back, lies to Alice.

And tells her she just dropped off chick at the bus station. And that is when she finds out that her father, Hal, was suspiciously missing during that whole episode. And this is... after they finally reveal to how that a man was murdered in their home. It was a lot. It's a lot to take. And he had actually had the only appropriate reaction to all this. He just goes, what?

Which is like the most appropriate. It's like, what? Exquise me. When? Who? But then at the same time, he's going around killing sinners. Does that mean he's going to kill? kill Alice?

I don't know. I do not know. She is a sinner. And we also, we almost just completely overshot this is that it is F.P.'s Child. Also right. I'm so fucking right.

I had so many songs about how right I was while I watched this show by myself. And Henry's just in the other room and I was just like, I just like kept making him dance with me. I was like, sing about how right I am. He's like, he's all right.

Yeah. So it is F.P.'s kid, but we'd find out, like, the big thing about all that is that the real chick, Charles, had come to the house, had found Alice Cooper. And she turned him away. And then he OD'd on jingle jankle. Man. I can't fucking say it without cracking him. Jingle jangle! So it happens when your mother turns you away.

I want to say, I'm throwing it out there, Alice Cooper did, she was amazing in this episode. Yeah, I actually did make a note that Alice Cooper, Madkin Amique, and Madkin Amik, and Skeet are the only two actors in the show. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. But cool, man, he's skeet, who, he's great. He was great. He was great. He was great. He's so goddamn, hot. Although Jughead on that motor's cycle, yes, please. Yeah, but did you notice that, like, Jughead picked, like, he picked up the helmet, took off his hat, and then handed the helmet to Betty? Which is cool, because he's trying to protect her, Marcus, which is sexy. Yeah, but why did he take off his hat like he was going to put on the helmet? For chivalry's sake. He was doffing his cap.

He never takes off his hat. He doesn't even take, he's worn that hat to, like, three funerals. You're right. He's a weirdo. He's just a weirdo. Have you ever seen me out without the hat on? That's weird. I'm a weirdo.

That's weird. Yeah, I'm a weirdo. I'm so weird. I'm such a weirdo. So let's go and let's talk about the Archie Veronica story in this one. Let's talk about the Archie Veronica thread. So Archie, he starts going and he starts figuring that he's got to figure out this whole black hood thing. He figures he's got to make the black hood thing.

Of course. So he starts getting stuck by a man with the black hood. And then there are multiple black hoods. But it turns out that the man in the black hood is not. Nick St. Clair. Dun, dun, dun, done! Return! Because if we'll remember, Nick St. Clair had tried to date rape Cheryl and tried to force himself on Veronica.

But Archie went and took care all that. And so Nick St. Clair figures that he needs a place in the family business, so he thinks the way to do that is to go because, you know, remember, Hiram Lodge is pretty weak right now. And so, yeah, yeah. So Nick St. Clair kidnaps Archie and it tries to extort a million dollars. A million dollars for Archie. One million dollars. Yeah, and also my favorite was when he's like, believe me when I say, I'm extremely angry, babe.

When he said that on the phone to Veronica, it's like, oh, shut up. I just wish Nick St. Clair and fucking Archie would just kill each other. Get rid of them. I don't want to look at either one of them anymore. Get rid of them. both of them. And then Veronica goes to Hiram with the news that Archie's been kidnapped, Nick St. Clair

or as she says, Nick St. Sicko. Yeah, good one, V. Yeah, you know, I was really disappointing Veronica for that one. She's better than that. She's better than Nick St. Sanko. Yes. But she goes to her father and says that he has to pay up, but

Hiram says, no, no, no, no, you can't. These people are in the business. Veronica says, I thought they were music producers. And he said, they are, but they're also mobsters. I don't have to say anything. Yeah, you don't know. I know.

They are. They definitely are, but also mobsers. So it keeps switching back and forth. And why did they mus up Archie's hair when Archie was tied to the chair in the odd warehouse that Nick St. Clair somehow found or maybe rent it out? I don't know. He probably rented it out. He's got all that money, you know.

Yeah, yeah, because it's not really about the money. It's about the gesture. But Hiram Lodge, he's a little wishy-washy on it because Archie is not family and he doesn't want to look weak in front of all of the other families, especially now that he's lost Papa Putin. I understood where Hiram was coming from. I was like, yeah, of course. Why would you save him? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, he's a goon.

Yeah. At the very, at best he's a goon. He's not even engaged to his daughter. Like, he's just a teenager. Mm-hmm. Exactly. And so Nick St. Clair figures, which kind of undermines the entire point of this whole scheme, he undermined, you know, he says that I will forego the ransom if you sleep with me, Veronica. Very, it's very weird.

That's very weird. It made me uncomfortable. I hated the entire storyline. I really didn't like it either, and I'd like him to just go away forever. Yeah, and I think after this he will. I think that he will because she finally got, you know, she turned the, but man, when she showed up at that hotel room, when she set up a sex camera for Archie to watch,

which also was very weird. I thought it was like, I thought it honestly was like too much. And I'm saying that about Riverdale. That's too much for me. There's something about it that made me skeezed out that was just like, ugh, gross. Yeah, I didn't like it. I didn't like it.

It was super skeezy. It was too much. It was way too much. Yeah. And so Veronica goes to the hotel. and Nick St. Clair has set up a webcam in there. But also champagne, caviar, all of my favorite things. Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ. And so when Archie figures out what's going on, let me ask you this. How long did Archie sit tied up in that chair before he realized he could move the chair? He could get out of the chair. It was so easy. How many hours? Three hours? Four?

How did he get I don't know So he just scoots the chair back He just scoots because they put him up on A raised platform And so when he scoots the chair back And the chair breaks and he gets out of it And so he runs and runs

Until he gets to the four seasons And then when he breaks through the door He finds that Veronica took care of it herself And so they fucking flip it Reverse it And they get the Sinclair family to pay a million dollars to get Nick back. A million dollars. So ridiculous.

A million dollars, of course, is just a million dollars. But then at the end of it, like Archie totally doesn't mind that Hiram Lodge, like, just left him to die. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, no, no. Yeah. And at some point, Archie learned a new phrase, and you know how it is when Archie learned

something new that he just gets really fixated on it. He learned the phrase from Nick St. Clair, he learned the phrase, making his bones. I'm going to make my bones. Yeah, I'm going to make bones with you, I'm going to make bones. And he's like, I've got to make bones. When Nick St. Clair, of course, make some bones is what came back around of all of the things. And when he said make his bones again, I was like, are you kidding me?

That's what stuck of all the things. I'm going to make me. my bones. Is that a phrase? I've never, like, I kind of, when he said make my bones, like there was a, like a distant whisper in the back of my mind. It's like, I think I've heard that before. I think. No, it's like I've got a bone to pick with you, which is fair. It is. Make, make one's bones is an English, American English idiom meaning to take actions to establish achievement, status, or respect. Make my bones

And it is a corruption of the idiom Established ones bonifides Ah, make your bones Yeah, I thought that make my bones is like, I'm gonna kill someone You're making bones out of another man But no I would rather him just start screaming

Bone Zone before he starts hitting people You're entering the Bone Zone Oh, it's the St. Clair Bone Zone That I would respect him more if he started referring to his fisticuffs as his bone zone. The St. Clair Bone Zone. See, that's fun. That's fun. But making your bones, I'm not down with that.

But so Archie figures, so what is he going to do? He's going to kill the black hood. Oh, no, no, no. Is that what it is? Is that how he's making his bones? I guess so, but also maybe it's because Archie's prison was built with his own ambition and rage. Oh, God, what a fucking dickhead. And then, of course, there's the C-plot of Cheryl helping out Hermione Lodge to get Sheriff Keller ousted.

Yeah, but you know what? Sheriff Keller was so fucking sexy this episode. I was like, when he was all drunk and upset in that room, it was just like, oh, baby, I'll take it. kill you. We'll get you back in that baby. Come on. You say that every time Sheriff Keller says more than two words in the episode. He's daddy hot.

Yeah, you could just come into a scene and just say, could be. And you're just fucking wet. Wet, I'm just slipping and sliding all over the waist. It was like, ah, take me away of handcuffs. Some Sheriff Keller. So, yeah, so Cheryl made the speech at the funeral about how

Sheriff Keller needed to be replaced. she's bringing up plank, you know, fucking platforms at a funeral. And then Hermione Lodge asks her, you know, did you mean what you said? And fucking, of course, a good, great Sheryline, it came from the core of my bosom. My bosom. I love Cheryl so fucking much. I love her so much.

She's great. She can kind of, I would actually say that Cheryl can do no wrong. I don't care what she does, just as long as they keep the character the same. Yes. Then I'm down. Like, as long as they keep her, she can do whatever. And as long as she's kissing on Titi, no kissies this episode, but that's okay. No kisses this episode.

You know, I hear, I heard through the grapevine that there might be a bisexual scene coming up. Oh, yes. Yes. And I'm talking like threesome bisexual. Oh, my God, who is it going to be? I don't know. Who do you think it's going to be? I think that it's

See, that's the things I'm pretty positive I'm thinking it's going to be a Cheryl and Titi type thing I wonder if it's like fangs in there See, but I'm trying to think of like Who's floating around That could be a part of that

I mean it could be No, but Cheryl wouldn't bang Kevin At this point and Kevin wouldn't bang Cheryl No Kevin, I mean, well Kevin's gay I mean he's gay but you know What happens in a bed sometimes stays in a bit. I mean, I guess who else could it be?

In my brain, I wish it was Skeed Ulrich, but that is illegal in the world of him. I'm trying to think of like the single people around, the single dudes and like, there's Moose who's single now. Yeah. You know, and I would think that the only other configuration I was thinking of was like Moose, Kevin, and Midge, but Midge is dead. No, she did.

Yeah, she's dead. Uh, maybe sweet pee? Maybe sweet pee. Sweepie. Sweetie. Yeah. Oh, oh.

Yeah, because if Titi's like bringing Cheryl further into the south side serpents, you know, sweepie, he's like, he's a free agent. He's floating around. Oh, man. That would be one that would go down for the ages. I will watch it and I will like it. Unless it's like something that it's like, maybe it's like bad betty, you know.

It could be bad betty and Jughead and somebody else. Yeah, it could be. Bad Betty Jughead and, hmm, who would be the third? I don't know, maybe it is going to be T.T. I think we're assuming that it's going to be T.T. That's involved in this. Just because she's so sexy, just because we want to watch it happen.

We won't watch it. We want to see it. I want an actual, like, really sexy scene with Cheryl, though. Because we haven't really had, like, an act. Because the scene with her kissing Titi, like, that was more romantic. It was very romantic. I want to see Pure Lust. Yes, pure lust, Cheryl.

A man Titi with her loose braids I'm guessing I'm guessing it's going to be a part of a scheme Of some kind It's definitely going to be a schemer Yeah I wish you were Sheriff Keller Hmm

Hmm Ooh maybe it's Sheriff Keller The Mayor and Hal Hmm Hmm Or maybe Alice FP and how.

Oh, man, that would come, that would create some problems. Okay, a lot of problems. Or maybe Alice, FP, and the mayor. Oh, my God, would watch so hard, so fucking hard. Man, I want everyone to have sex. That's all I want. Is that too much to ask?

I did notice that the only people that we did not include in any of this is Archie and Veronica. Yeah, I don't want to watch them to have sex anymore. I'm done with it. You know what? I'm kind of, I'm totally over Veronica. Well, you know what? You know what I'm not? What I kind of noticed, Veronica, her skin is too perfect. There's not a, there's not a single imperfection on her face, and it kind of weirds me out.

But what I do like about her is that in real life, she and Betty are very against, like, the whole photoshopping thing. So they are not photoshopped in anything. So they just, and she just really is like her, I think her skin is just that good. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I think so. She does have like a tiny little. scar like above her left eye. Uh-oh, you still got it. I see that smirky. You still fucking got it. You don't tell me like you lost it.

I don't know. I mean, well, I guess you still got like a little place in my heart. It was a little bit. It was like a little bit. But, you know, it's faded. It is faded over time. I understand. I will say.

I mean, this season, Veronica definitely took a back seat. Yes. And also, I mean, you know how I feel about Jughead, but I think that, FP is way more my style. I've grown up, though. You've grown up. You've grown up from high schooler to chocolate shop employee. Paper hat. Yes, please.

I'll set it on fire when I'm throwing it in a trash can. And that's all we got today for Riverdale Roundup. We'll be back next week with Chapter 33, Shadow of a Doubt. There better be sex in this episode. There probably is There's probably Yeah Love you guys

Goodbye Goodbye