Page 7 - Riverdale Roundup Vol. 33: In The Navy

Episode Date: May 8, 2019

Jackie and Molly recap "Chapter Fifty-Five: Prom Night" and gab about Chony, cannibalism, and clones. No matter what creepy-sexy cult you're in, you'll love our Patreon episodes! www.patreon.com/page7podcast Intro song by Green Dreams greendreams.bandcamp.com/music Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Oh, guys. Oh, guys, Riverdale this week. How do you, how do you feel about the episode, Miss Molly? Just, I mean, I have a lot of emotions that I don't know where to start. I will start by saying I was scared. It was actually a pretty creepy episode. They really, I think that this, again, we are back to the fundamentals of, I love Riverdale of just like, dude, it was creepy, it barely made any sense, it made me at least three times go, are you kidding me? And I think that's overall, why I love Riverdale, except for the fact that there were no teen sex scenes. That's the only thing that this episode was missing. It is the basics of Riverdale on the one hand, but on the other hand, I saw a very good tweet last week that was like, season one of Riverdale, Archie,

I want to do both music and football. Season three, there's two serial killers in town, and one is a mystical demon that is summoned by a spell, and the other has been escaped from an armored prison truck. But then there's also another that is the manipulative genius that is Edgar ever and ever. So really, we're dealing with three insane concepts that are now all coming to a head. I mean, we can't just jump to the end here. Even though I certainly want to just jump to the end here.

Number one, can we talk about the fact that Archie just said he was never going to box ever again? I am so tired of the box. I'm so tired of Archie. I'm just deeply tired of him. But I truly could not care less about Archie boxing. Like, I truly do not give a fuck. Like, because of that tweet, I'm thinking about the first season. And I'm like, yeah, the first season, Archie was like, oh, is he going to be a singer?

Is he going to be an athlete? Yeah, that's like a teen problem. And here he's like, I don't want to go to school. I'm just going to become a professional boxer. It's like, what? What are you talking about? I guess Archie has, since the first season, Archie's been through a tremendous amount of trauma as we talk about a lot.

I mean, at least, I will say they're always consistent in the fact that he still has those bear scratches when he got mauled by a bear. So he does, I will give them consistency points on that. Yes. So it is to some extent fair that he feels differently about his life now after having survived many attempted murders. But I just. Many attempted murders.

So many. But what everything just went to, went out the window of this episode. He, last week he's like, I don't care about boxing. This week he's like, all I want to do is box. Like three weeks ago he was like, yeah, I probably shouldn't like, you know, fuck around with Veronica anymore and like have any sort of relationship with Hiram Lodge who tried to kill me many, many times. And then this week he's like, oh, Ronnie, it's so great to hang out with you again.

Also with Ronnie, so he's trying, so Archie is trying to apparently box his way into the Navy, even though he doesn't really want to be in the Navy. Because now, you know, Molly Ringwall just shows up, because of course they had to have some sort of parental figure for Archie. And I'm sure that they couldn't really, they just said like, oh, well, now your dad is away, even though they never really got into that. But of course, they couldn't because of the untimely death of Luke Perry. I will say that Molly Ringwald will never be the parent that Luke Perry is.

Because even in her talks of, like, Archie, maybe you shouldn't box for a living. It just didn't hit home the way it did when Fred was. giving these little monologues. It's funny because I always found Fred's monologues to be, you know, totally toothless. He was always just like, son, uh, I don't know, like Archie, but in a way, you know, Fred and Archie were perfect for each other because they were both just like, you know, whiny little like, oh, but dad, I really want to do music. Oh, son, I don't think you should, you know.

But I, yeah, I miss his breathy dissertations, though. Yeah, I just like, son. You know, it's the same with how much I love F.P. Gall and Jughead, more. Yeah. And I do, I took for granted, you know, I did. I, I had been known to hate on Fred Andrews a little bit and Luke Perry as being just a little bit bland. But I took for granted how much I cared about him and loved him.

And now that he's gone, I miss him a lot. And yeah, and so Molly Ringwald is here and she's all trying to be a good parent by enrolling Archie in the Navy for five years of active duty. That was the other thing. I was like, excuse me, you're trying to save him. I mean, I don't know what. If I had a child who wanted a box, I don't know what I would do because I'd be like, don't do that. But five years of active duty in the military is an escalation.

It is a lot. But at the same time, at least he would get an education while he did it. He would. But Archie would join the military and immediately do something that was like would get him dishonorably discharged and be like, yes. I was following my heart. No, he's not good. with authority, then you shouldn't go into the Navy. You have to listen. You have to follow rules,

Archie. And then that leads us to the other plot point of this episode that I had a bit of a question mark with, although thankfully it didn't end up happening, which was Archie planning to do two fights in one day. In one day. And now that Veronica, who knows nothing about any of this, is his manager. Also, I loved that they threw in the idea, or just apparently the fact that Veronica never owned Lebonneouie or pops that Hiram had owned it the entire time gave her a fake deed. And also, it's like, girl, stop trying to play your daddy. Daddy is always going to win. And you have to stop trying.

Also about that, even if she had bought it with quote unquote her money, there is a line in this episode where Archie says with what money, Veronica. And she says, my money, Archie. and even if she had bought Labanui with quote unquote her money, whose money is it really? It's her daddies. So, like, yes, the fact that she, that was a fake deed is kind of a fuck you to Veronica who thought she was just like businesswoman.

But at the same time, she didn't have any money. She got that from daddy in the first place. Yeah. Which we don't even need to go down this road any further because we all know this is insane and this is going to come back to bite her in the ass. So overall, Archie, he doesn't fight the second.

No, he does fight the second fight, right? No, he doesn't. No, he says he's going to. Veronica's like, over my dead body. Okay, I guess I can't stop you. And then he passes out in the ring because he hadn't eaten in five days to lose six pounds, which really, I feel like for a dude and for a boxer, really can't be that difficult to lose six pounds, right? I mean, I remember the wrestlers doing that all the time.

in high school. I don't think it was healthy, but they certainly did it. But they can do it. But getting, fighting 24 rounds of boxing in a single night is probably not a good idea for your head, although Archie's already dumb as fucking possible anyway. Yeah, keep hitting them. It's fine. Nothing is moving or changing upstairs. I'm pretty sure. So now that we got that out of the way, which also, the fact that they didn't even bring up the, the idea that Josie has left, and he is completely undeterred because obviously, Archie and Ronnie are going to get back together, especially that they went to the prom as friends, quote, unquote, but we all know what happens in high school when you go to prom with friends of someone, although in my case it was that they ended up hooking up with one of your good friends. But that's a whole other.

No, he never loved me and he never will love me. So let's get down to the fact that we're going to talk about school here. You know, FP is on the case of whatever thing that happened with Kurtz and the gargles, which I want to say that Kurtz found a school bus to head the gargoyle gang in. And they decorated it almost similarly, except without baby parts of the time. and they fashioned little branch people, a la Blair Witch Project? And maybe season three of True Detective?

Yeah, I think a little bit of that. I think they, but I love that, I love the decoration of the place. You can't say that they don't put money into the environment of how they make their jingle jangle. Yeah, that's true. And I've got to be honest, even though I know we discussed it last week,

this week it was like when we watched Pretty Little Liars. This week I was surprised all over again to learn that Kurtz was dead. That really happened very suddenly. It really did. And I still don't think, I think that he, I guess he oft himself. I don't see, I don't even know where my hypotheses

reside right now. Because especially with all that stuff, I feel like the Riverdale riders are moving a thousand miles a minute and everybody else is moving at like 10 miles an hour. They are just bashing through all this so fast. I don't really know what's going on with that storyline per se. Yeah.

All I know is that I see this really ruined, because I don't know if we were talking about this, but Jeff's theory this entire time is that Hal was actually the Gargoyle King. So now I feel like my whole brain is all screwed up because as we were watching this episode, it was just like, you're right. He must be. It must be this. I feel like he's had puppets the entire time from inside of the prison. But now that we know that he's not, or else,

Maybe he still is. Man, when they were going through, like when Betty and Veronica were talking to the detectives, I guess, that were looking at the bus explosion of how all those killers were killed. And they just, they found nothing except Dr. Colonel Jr. did find one hand that was not Howells. That was how they knew that he was dead. And then he had a hook at the end. And then he had a hook at the end. the end. Sorry, I watched this a couple days ago, so I'm trying to piece it all together. They, so he cut off his own hand and put it in with all, like, all of the other bodies, right?

Yeah, but how did he escape? He was in that armored truck, or I don't know if armored is the right word, but, you know, the prison truck where presumably they were all, you know, locked, locked in. And whatever happened to that bus, the bus was not exploded into a thousand pieces, but somehow the bodies in it were, there was just heads and hands everywhere. As much as I love this episode, I feel very confused about a lot of things. I feel like I'm just like, I liked it. And I like, I just wish, I feel like I wish this episode was a part of this week's episode. So it could all make a little more sense in my brain.

You know what I mean? Yeah. No, it was, it was rough. because not only it's but I didn't even really piece this together so we know so Dr. Cardle Jr. said, you know, so from the beginning from the first scene,

Betty is convinced that her dad set this up to escape and she's like the black hood is back. Which of course. She knows her father. Yeah. She has the darkness inside of her. She does, but I still don't understand if she's still so scared of him why she was still visiting him in prison.

But I guess, you know, I guess I think that's a whole daddy daughter thing too that like she needed someone to talk to. that was a parental figure. Right, that's right. And Alice had really abandoned her. But so FP, so she's standing there talking to FP and she's like, the Black Hood has escaped.

He orchestrated this. This is what happened. And FP says, Betty, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there were six, you know, five prisoners and a driver on the bus. And we found six heads. So again, everybody's head has been disembodied from their body. But, but. does that mean if Hal only lost a hand, whose head is there?

And also, how did he cut his hand off? How did he cut his hand off? If you're in an armored bus on your way from one prison to another prison, for sure the driver doesn't have some sort of saws all in his pocket. At least I think that the driver would. I imagine that they would have a gun on them. But how do you cut off a bunch of heads and a hand? when you're handcuffed.

Is it possible that Hiram was in on it and that there was an inside job? You know, because Hiram was the one who was like, sure, transfer him to my prison with all the windows. Interesting. Yeah, because also, Hiram very absent in this episode. And you know what? It always makes me, it always makes me scared

because you know Hiram's always prowling around all these misdeeds, you know? Because we've got Gladys Jones is out of the way. So, and I know they had to move Gladys, as Jones out of the way to now have the three people that we are scared of. But I think that Hiram's sitting in that back seat just waiting for his time to strike. And you're right, maybe this was his striking. I don't know why Hiram would want the Black Hood on the loose,

other than that Hiram is always responsible for everything that happens in Riverdale. He's a man of mischief. But I had not considered that Hal had been the Black Hood, I mean, sorry, that Hal had been the Gargoyle King the whole time. which kind of makes sense, although this episode, they started scooting towards your hypothesis about Edgar and the Gargoyle King

because there was this whole plot. But Betty was really the star of the show, as is often the case, let's be honest. And she had a whole plot line of like, listen, people started playing Griffins and Gargoyles again, even though, yes, they were playing it 20 years ago. They started playing it again about a year ago right around the time the farm rolled into town.

They both talk about Ascension, which is something, the farm and gargoyles, or griffons and gargoyles, which is something you've mentioned before. And so she was like, Edgar has to be the gargoyle king. And due to some reasons I don't totally understand, that was disproved because he took off his shirt

and was very sexy and didn't have any back tattoos. How did you feel about when he took his shirt off? I felt like it was sexy, except that I also felt like he was inviting Betty to fuck him. I thought he was inviting Betty to fuck him. I definitely see, That is not, to me, that's not really my version of sexy. I'm way more into the face than I was into his wiry.

It made me think of Christian Bail and the machinist. You know, machinist, mockinist? I don't know how to you say it. I felt like that was very much, I was just like, oh, boy, eat a burger or something. Get this man to pops. I don't know whatever they eat in that cult of theirs, but I guess it's very healthy. Yeah, I let, you know, I don't mind a ropey, skinny guy. You like a ropey.

I know you're into a ropey. But can we also talk about the fact that when Betty walked into that scene, whatever question Alice had asked, that he was very excited that she had asked that question. Edgar Everd ever was talking about eating people to absorb their wisdom. He was. Can we talk about that for just a moment? Because it was such a flyaway that was like, I know. that the Riverdale writers definitely

include lines like this that mean absolutely nothing, but I can't help but think about, is the farm killing people and eating them? Are they cloning people? And that's how, like,

that's how they're seeing these people from the past? Did I bring up cloning last episode? I think maybe there's a cloning thing happen. Let's throw some fake fucking bullshit Riverdale cloning science in there. I want to see multiplicity level cloning science in Riverdale.

Yeah, that's a new one for me. I don't think that you had mentioned cloning last time. I know we had been hypothesizing about what the fuck's happening with how they're talking to the dead people. But cloning would make sense because these guys, as we found out two or three episodes ago, whatever, with a fake gravestone, it's not that they think they're talking to the spirits of dead people. It's that they truly think that these dead people have been resurrected and are back

to life and or never died. Right. So, I mean, obviously, that's how that they are keeping, excuse me, Choney in line. Now that it is, as we all know, Cheryl and Tony, Choney, which I love that they refer to themselves as Choney. It kind of made me go, ha, ha, when I went the second she said, Choney. Choney were running for prom queens, and they weren't allowed to because that's not a part of the farm's rules. and man, did she back down? Because Cheryl is a dog with a bone. And when Edgar ever never told her that she couldn't run for prom queen

because she wouldn't be allowed to see Jason anymore, man, did she change her tune? That bitch is talking to her brother. Yes, but that was so sad because it was nice at the beginning of this episode. It was like having the normal Cheryl back again. Cheryl and Tony were just being bitches about how they wanted to be prom queens. And I was like, yeah, Cheryl, you're still around. And then she was even a bitch to Evelyn, which was very refreshing. Aren't you like 30?

Aren't you like 30? How many problems have you been to? And that was fantastic. And I felt so good about it. I was like, yeah, Cheryl's back. But then what did Edgar do but make her bend the knee because she wants to keep seeing Jason? That's such a sad thing to hold over a person, you bastard. I don't like it forever, never.

He's sexy, but I don't like him. I don't like him either. might be a cannibal. I think that they're cannibals. I mean, they're definitely cannibals. That's what they said. They said that they were cannibals. But who are they eating?

It's not like there's a mass. Well, there are a lot of dead people in Riverdale. Unless, what if Edgar Ever Never is the Gargoyle King, right? Or has his minions be the Gargoyle King? And he is like the overlord as Gargoyle King. He's working with the Black Hood to get done. bodies for the eating. Yeah, that makes sense.

And maybe that's why Hal is going after Betty, because that's something that, like, that would be the greatest sacrifice. And a way to rid Alice Cooper of her past is to get rid of Betty. Even though Alice Cooper is mourning the loss of her other child. But yes, I think that you're right. And Alice speaks a lot about trying to leave her past behind and leave her serial killer husband behind and all of that. And yeah, and the scene at the at the prom when, so let's get into this prom, which I love that, I love that they change it from fire.

That was so sad too when they like, when Betty and Jughead approached Cheryl to change the theme of the prom and she's like, whatever. Yeah, that was really sad. Yeah. And so, right, they changed the prom like with it with like less than a week's notice. They changed the prom to the Renaissance theme and everyone's able to get a very elaborate Renaissance costume. No way. not in a small town. No fucking way.

And so Betty and Jughead, the reason they do it is because Jelly Bean had told Jughead that the gargoyle had like a book of a gospel. So Jughead found the gospel on the bus that Kurtz at the living on. Very easy to find, by the way. It was just right there. Also, props to FP for just continuing to bring his son to crime scenes and letting him tamper with evidence. Regardless of whether he has to. go to school or not. He is there every crime scene. Bring the boy

to the crime scene. Let him steal evidence. Let him conduct his own investigation with Betty. And so they are reading the book of the gospels and it has some spells in it. And so they decide that this was very hard to follow in my opinion. But they decide that

if they set up prom to like be, have Betty be like the Griffin Queen, which I thought was something that she invented back at the Sisters of Quiet Mercy. But anyway, I guess it's a real thing in the text. Now it's gospel? Now it's gospel.

And so they're going to use her as bait to summon the gargoyle king for this quest, which Jelly Bean had said was the final quest. And so they get everybody to address like it's the Renaissance. They get Betty to be named Prom Queen. She is successfully named Prom Queen, but before she can accept her title, she gets a note from somebody in a mask that says, your quest is to go to the place of the original original Ascension Night, don't tell anybody. And so that's when all the mayhem starts with both the Black Hood and the Gargoyle King.

Dude, it's all very nightmare on Elm Street, though, right? Like all the lighting in the school when she goes to meet up with the Gargoyle King and all that guy. But I think what the police are missing, I feel like I need to call FB to be like, maybe you should be taking calligraphy samples from people from the letters that the Gargoyle King keep sending to people because somebody is writing those notes and wax sealing these notes where are they coming from? I know that that random mass dude got it from a bard. I don't know, whatever the hell he said, that it was through a line of people that he gave

her the note. But it's like, someone's writing these notes. Yeah, that's a good idea. Do a handwriting analysis. Get a forensic file in there. Yeah, I mean, I've watched Profiler before from the 90s. I know what happens and you just got to look at the way somebody writes a letter. So she goes to meet up with the Gargoyle King and of course she goes into the women's bathroom,

the same girl's bathroom as Ascension Night, and it's the same setup. The flip for your fate and the two chalises filled with both, I'm assuming, going to kill you, juice. And then she comes back out and the Gargoyle King is out there, going to attack, going to attack, and then the Black Hood comes out of nowhere. So that's why I think that maybe At first I got really excited I was like yeah how kill the gargoyle king And they didn't kill the gargoyle king

So they must be in cahoots Yeah I think that that's right I actually didn't incredibly did not think of that That they were working together But they must be because the gargoyle king lured her But then it was the black hood that was right there waiting for her So also it was probably the gargoyle king that helped with the bus

and get Hal out of, maybe it was the Gargoyle King that did it. And it wasn't Hiram, unless Hiram is the Gargoyle King, and that's how all of this is coming together. Which Hyrum was the Gargoyle King for like a whole season. You was.

Like, how long has the season been? This season has been like four seasons, but there was like a whole long unit of time when it was decided upon that Hiram was the Gargoyle King. Yeah, because he was the man in black. It was the man of black. He was delivering all the drugs to the Sisters of Quiet Mercy. That feels like 20 years ago.

I forgot about all of that. So much happens in this show. I forgot about all of that. But I feel like that maybe they're going back to that plot line. Because as we know in Riverdale, they love Circle and Back Around. Except for the fact that, I mean, I feel like we did really even say this. but like Evelyn Ever, never, never, now that everyone knows she is 26 years old, really shouldn't be in high school anymore. I know.

I shouldn't be allowed on the campus anymore. But you know what? Again, Riverdale, full of contradictions. On the one hand, maybe because Principal Weatherby is part of the cult. Is part of the cult, you're right. He can't oversee, you know, kicking out this full grown adult from high school. On the other hand, someone is still facilitating a prom at the high school, even though the principal has been swept into a death cult. So, you know, the school is still functional.

appropriately enough to run a prom, but not appropriately enough to dismiss its 26-year-olds do that. I love when Veronica was like, prom is this weekend, we still do things like that here? Thank you. I love when they throw in those little chunks of being self-aware on Riverdale. They're really like peppering them in just the right amount, you know? Yeah, yeah, they do. We need them. So overall, in the end, we know that Hal does not kill Vettie. She runs to the farm to go protect her mother, which you know all girl, kudos.

She's still trying to protect her mother, even though her mother is a horrid bitch at this point. Yeah, yeah. She's been repeatedly shut out by Alice and she's still trying to take care of her. And Alice kind of delightfully doesn't give a fuck that Hal's dead. She's like, I, FP called. There's no survivors. And Betty is like, no, no. What if he survived?

And Alice is just like, nope. And then when, yeah, at the end, Betty goes and tells Alice, Dad is alive and he's in Black Hood again. And what, how does it end? But with fucking ropey Chad Michael Murray being like, Betty, will you stay with us? Stay with us. Our walls are thick.

They'll protect you. And she says, yes. No, is she going to, she can't, she can't get into the farm. I unless she gets in and immediately gets back out by the end of this season, I swear to God, Molly, by the end of this season, she is a part of this cult, and that's how this season ends, I am still going to watch this show. I know, but I am going to, ooh, I am going to wag my finger and be like, girl, girl, girl, girl, don't do this unless they eat someone in front of her and maybe that will keep her from completely succumbing to the farm.

Not for nothing. We're kind of recycling plot points at this point, though, because Betty was already sent to the Sisters of Quiet Mercy and had to, like, resist their brainwashing there. And so I hope that they do not just do the same exact thing again where she has to stay and resist the brain. Like, if she stays, I hope that she pulls a real one, you know, what Tony was doing before she got wrapped up in it and actually tries to get on the inside. She's going to join this damn cannibal cult. I know it. I don't know. I think she's stronger than that.

Molly, we have to think that she's stronger than that. She's Dark Betty. Oh, Dark Betty. Oh, Dark Betty. We're going to wrap up this episode of Riverdale Roundup here. But I just needed to say, because I, of course, you know, scroll through online as we are recording this episode. What I did not know, and I feel that you need to. to know is that during the boxing montage that Archie was having with fangs, I believe, right?

Yeah. And they were singing, I of the Tiger was playing, guess who's saying it? Guess who sang the version of I of the Tiger? It wasn't. KJ. Epa. It wasn't KJEPA. It wasn't.

Oh, I knew it. I knew something was up with that recording. All right, I'm going to have a boxing. I wanted to be a montage, but like, I want to sing this. song. Is that cool? I think that like, you know, then it's like, I'll come around of like, I wanted to be in music, but now I'm a boxer. He's the one

that sang the fucking cover. And his, it's like, it's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fire. I was wondering why it was so annoying. It was so annoying. And I said, I was like, there's no way this is the original version. Jeff was like, no, he's like, it sounds like it's a weird off-time

cover of it. It has to be a of it. Oh, of course Archie was singing it. Of course Archie was singing I of the Tiger. That makes me so weirdly furious and love the show even more. And it wasn't even like a cover like where you change it up. It was just like fucking KJ. Yappa doing karaoke of I of the Tiger. It was a karaoke version of I. The Tiger. Appalling. Appalling. Thank you guys so much. You're joining us this week. I don't know what the hell's going to happen. I've got so many theories. I also did write down the line, what?

Have you come to steal more babies, Elizabeth? Because Alice Cooper is still one of my favorite characters on this show. I don't care that she's marrying a possible cannibal. I am here for anything Alice Cooper wants to do or say. Yeah, that was a really good line.

I love, like, they need the more, like, throw away bitchy lines this show, that is really what keeps me coming, you know? It's what we're here for, because you also have to remember that, but now, Helpe Blossom still has a little Jason, quote, unquote, that she's taken. That also is going to have to, something is going to have to happen with those babies.

Definitely. Yeah, those babies have been a, it's like the Chekhov's gun, you know, for three seasons. Oh, yeah. And I really, because also they have been babies for three seasons. And I think they better not eat those babies. Molly, they better not eat those babies. I don't think it's out of the question. You're right.

It's definitely not out of the question. But I really hope they don't. Although I guess it would be metal if they did. They'd be stopped, but I'm not, I think they won't eat the babies, but I'm not going to say they won't try. They might try to eat those babies. We love you guys. Thank you guys so much for joining us on this week. And we've got two more episodes of Riverdale.

I don't know what the fuck is going to happen, which is why I love this show so much. Throw spaghetti at the wall. Get some theories going. Who the fuck knows, man? but I love it. Love you guys. Talk to you next week. Love you.

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