Page 7 - Riverdale Roundup Vol. 5: A Snake Doesn't Chew

Episode Date: January 24, 2018

Riverdale Roundup is BACK baby. Scandal! Serpents! Sex! Spoilers ahead, as well as the sound of us getting all loosey-juicy.  Our new theme is from the awesome folks over at Green Dreams (@Green_Dreams) Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

The story must be told. The story must be told. Ooh, ooh, teacher, pick me. Yes, little Brandon, she wondered. He stood up and then pulled his eyes down as hard as he could. The white goo fell down his cheeks. That's the right answer, she said. Hey there, the story must be told, season two,

coming to Last Podcast Network, January 30th. And Last Podcast Network.com. It's going to get you. Literally, before we started this, I'm just staring at pictures of Jughead and just going, ooh, that's a good one. Ooh, yeah, I like that picture. Oh, fuck yeah. Ooh, he's so sexy.

Except you seem undisturbed by the fact that every five pictures is one of him as a tween with his brother. I don't see those pictures. I have a natural eye filter. That's all I see. I can only think of him as a tween. But also Dylan Spouse is also pretty hot with the long hair, too. So, we are, I have to stop. All right, so we're back from the break.

You know, Riverdale is back from the mid-season break. You know, we last left off, the black hood was, quote, unquote, caught. What he? And, you know, of course, like Cheryl Blossom, remember, saw Betty and Archie Kiss. He's super called that. Yeah, super called that. But they really introduced a lot of shit in this first episode. There was so much happening.

in this episode. Like, it was difficult to follow. Which is interesting because the last time we talked, you guys had all these theories about how they were going to tie up all these threads that had been introduced, and it seemed a little hopeful about the tightness with which the writers are approaching the season.

Nope. Here are four new plot lines. I can't believe how everything just, like, unraveled it. Every, like, other sentence, I was like, what? What? Yeah. Other than, yeah, there's, like,

I like it when they bring things back. was very satisfied when, as you predicted, Sheryl Blossom used her witnessing the Archie and Betty kiss as a cudgel. Blackmail. Lverage. Can I take a minute to complain about the FBI agent? That's weird. Oh, man.

Is it weird? It is bad. I'm from Riverdale. I grew up in Riverdale. Yeah, I'm here. I'm an FBI agent. What do you got, Archie? Excuse me?

I'm going to question you in your basement, in your, like, music den. while he's strumming a guitar It's like, Archie, put down the fucking If you're talking to the FBI That just like randomly flashed you a badger But you're just like, I'm fairly sure He might be a homeless man off the street And Archie keeps making demands

About who they're going to prosecute And the guy keeps being like, okay. Just immediately like doesn't have to go on any He disappears like, yeah, can do that. I can promise you that both your girlfriend and your dad will be safe. No! Incorrect!

Oh, that one has me. me, that FBI agent has me mad. And speaking of the dad and speaking of Luke Perry, you know, the father and his dealings with the lodges, he accepted the payment of his medical bills pretty willy-nilly. Yeah, that was completely out of character for him. Yeah. The dad would ordinary be like, oh, it's a matter of honors. But he did give them 20% of his construction business.

Okay. So that was it. So it is a fair trade, quote, unquote, but you know the lodges have different. different motives going on. And speaking of which, they close down Southside High so they could expand their real estate development. There's so much that happens. There's so much more.

That's only like the first 10 minutes of the episode. There was the opening to the episodes. Like, we finally sold South Side High. And then when you're, well, it comes in, we're going to give you money for your reelection campaigns. I'm going to be getting emails and calls any second now. That and the fact that like the whole thing that Veronica has to do is like, just make sure you get your friends on board.

Why does anyone care what all these teenagers have to think about this? They have no choice. Yeah, and Veronica didn't do Jack's show. Weatherby took care of the whole situation. But a snake never sheds it skin, Marcus. If they, I feel like I need to watch it again and take a shot every time they say a snake never sheds its skin because I would have been hammered. Yeah, I also feel like I sometimes just look at Jughead and I'm like,

how did you get in so deep with these fucking serpents? It doesn't seem, like it doesn't seem genuine. Jughead's really starting to annoy me because he, Marcus, my beloved. He's just got a furrow brow and he's just pissed off and yelling about the serpents all the time. It's like, come on, man, get yourself another thing. He's becoming a very one-dimensional character. I agree.

I think he's going to come back around. I hope so. A thoughtful one. Yeah. He's not thoughtful anymore. He's just yelling about a gang all the time. I feel like that does nothing. Well, it does a lot of things, Marcus.

Okay, so they had a toy drive. Great. That was good. They bring back to the community. And like, yeah, I also, when they were like, you know, the principal was like, you're going to have to stop wearing your gang paraphernalia. And they were all like, what? I feel like that's a typical rule at a high school.

Yeah, yeah. Don't wear your gang colors. What I don't understand is how Jughead then starts the swords and serpents club, which he says is for LARPing. Do you not realize that serpent is the name or your gang? And Weatherby totally approved it. He actually makes a point to say that Weatherby approved it. It's like, but you got the serpent.

And it's like swords. How do you? You get, it was, I, I just like, I couldn't even control how much I, I laughed through this entire episode. I loved it so fucking much. I liked the shot when all of the serpents were wearing their like polos. That was fun. That was cute, man. Because that's all Veronica.

She's got to get the kids on board. Why? I don't get. I don't know. But the whole, like, the scene with Skeet arc being like very, very intense with the people. with the paper hat on talking to his son about like, it's like, no, no, it's not about shedding your skin. It's about lying in the grass.

And he does this thing with his fingers that now I'm obsessed with. It's these two fingers as if they are fang snakes. Please rewatch this clip. And then he goes, it's like, no, we're just lying in the grass. He does, he like, he snaps at him. He points every time, he says, snakes, Adam. Snakes, nine, the grass.

Snakes also hibernates. I loved it so much. That scene really reinforces the deep lying fear that I have that Ski-Orick is actually a very bad actor because I've been enjoying the fuck out of him in this whole show and I was like maybe he became a good actor in the 20 years since Scream happened and I think he's still a bad actor.

There's not a character in this show that there's not an actor that shows versatility. Except for Alice Cooper. Alice Cooper's, well, I mean, of course. I mean, she's, she's, She is fantastic. She's a legitimately good actor. Yes, she is.

And I will posit that Archie's KJ. Epa, his American accent is breathtaking. It is fantastic. It is great. He's done better with it. He's still that hair, though. It's just, it's unreal. It's ridiculous. Yeah.

Well, speaking to Alice Cooper, we've talked about Veronica. We've talked about Archie. We touched a little bit on Cheryl Blossom. It's time to talk about Chick. Brother! Oh, are we talking about chicken now? Brother Cooper, I think he's kind of cute. Brother Cooper, the creepest?

Yes, I think he's cute. You like Jughead. I, no, I love Jughead. I don't like Jughead. I don't like Jughead. I love Jughead. I think the creepest is cute. I'm a little bit worried about what kind of creepy he's going to be. Is he a Camboy?

Was that his thing because she, like, he's like, I got a client coming. I'm like, what do you do? It's like, fantasy fulfillment. Fantasy fulfillment is the weirdest description of a job I've ever heard. I'm going to assume it's jingle jangle and maybe that's how it's going to come back around. I assume he was... Fantasy fulfillment is disgusting.

We didn't even mention the South Side had. It's like, there was a meth lab in the basement. No, they're in the meth lab. It's jangle jangle lab. But that was it. I think, I assumed that he was like a sex worker. Of some kind. Of some kind.

But what's interesting about that is that I think that Sherop Blossom's mom is also a sex worker now. No, it's not, I think. It is a, she came right out and said it that she's an escort now because that Cheryl Blossom went and got the money from Reggie, the double payout because she's trying to get her mom to stop hooking. But when she gets the money, she still says, I'm quite enjoying this. She likes being a sex worker. Love it. But now we got, we got two sex workers in one episode. Yeah. Great. But also, I don't think Chick is doing the glamorous type stuff. I think, I think chick is in the dangerous side. Yeah. Because I think I saw a harness somewhere in that room.

Really? Yeah. Maybe he's a dominatrix of some kind. I mean, I was just stunned at the, because, you know, Riverdale, just every so often it'll just be like, okay, Riverdale, you're going to touch on that? Great. And I'm like, okay, we're going to have two characters doing sex work within 10 minutes. Excellent.

It's fantastic. But one's an old woman and one's a young, hot 18 year old? I don't get it. Yeah. How can they put out, how? How? He's 20. Yeah, I think he's like 20, right?

Oh, okay, I just know that, yeah, I know he's like of age, which is why it was public. It was, but, what? Why was the hotel worker beating him up in the first place? I don't know. I don't think we're ever going to figure that one out. But yeah, he was beating him up and then Betty took him home, this stranger, this absolute stranger, took him home. And they just like, leave him in a room. Just put him in a bed.

All right. See you later. How was the smart one in this whole scenario? The father. Yeah, the father. Oh, yeah. He's like, you know what? let's just not touch this one.

Let's just not touch this alone. This was really a moment where Betty is a fucking idiot. She was like, my mom's really in pain because her daughter doesn't want, her daughter, Polly doesn't want to share her life with her. So I'm going to- Also, you mean the child that was pregnant for like a year and a half, that randomly just had the babies but is completely thin and back to her usual self? Yes, because she was pregnant for a long time.

And so then Betty decides how she's going to make her mother feel better. she's going to dig up the hardest decision her mother has ever made. And pop it right in her face when she finds out her daughter does not want to be a part of her life anymore. Without doing any research first to figure out whether her brother has had a horrible life thanks to her mother, which he has. And she's just like, this will make you feel better, mother. Do you think he's not big enough? The fact that we keep thinking about the father as actual black hood, what if it's chick? No, because he's old.

Too small? Well, he's too small and he's the black hood is old. He's like a middle-aged guy. We do know that. And the eyes don't match up. Yeah, we know. He's definitely, the way he stared at his sister while she was sleeping, I mean, he's going to, he's going to touch her or something.

It's such an odd choice on the part of the writers to make Betty, like, the true crime character. Yeah. Because all the true crime revolves around Betty. Yeah. And Archie, though, with his, with the FBI. I mean, we can't forget about his FBI involved. He's kind of moved more into like caper territory. Yeah, that's true.

I will give you that. And like, not for nothing, Betty is not that interesting. Well, I guess maybe that's why they gave her, like, all the true crime stuff is because she's really kind of just, I mean, like, you got to make all-American girl interesting somehow. Yeah, right. And she's, I think the actress who plays Betty is great. And I actually really like her. But Betty is a character, right.

She's just like the, like, good girl. I like that she has bright pink pepper spray, though. Yeah. That's a fun little thing. Yeah, that was cute. I don't think that the brother's going to touch her because in the teaser then they were like, oh, they were working together.

They suggested he's some kind of monster, but I don't know why he was staring at his sister that way. It was weird, but I think that it's more that he's jealous and that then they're going to work. They're going to collaborate. Or is he going to try to kill her to get rid of her? Well, Jughead did do some foreshadowing. She got rid of one monster,

only to let another into her home. Oh, my God. And also whatever that microchip line that Jugg had had that I was just like, what's next? They're going to put microchips into our brain to get that. It's high school. Dress codes are pretty common. I know. So common.

You can't wear your gang colors. That's it. That's all codes. You can't wear your gang jackets that are labeled gang jacket. What about Reggie doing the spray paint false flag? Ooh, yeah, man. I don't know. I don't know.

Wait, what did Reggie do? He spray painted the serpent logo onto the school. logo. Remember, that's how they got in trouble. That's how they got in trouble. That's why they weren't allowed to wear their colors anymore. Their skin. Their skin.

But also, that is what a snake does. Sheds its skin all the time. It does it a lot. The only way a snake grows. I don't understand how that is not something that is a part of anything that it definitely does.

Like, of all the things, of all the animals that don't shed its skin, that is one that does. Yeah, like Cheryl Blossom should point that out. She'd be like, actually, a snake does shed its skin. That's how they stay alive. Like, somebody should point it out. They must at some, they have to at

some point. Yeah, but, well, they are very fond of using, like, pseudoscientific metaphors as far as snakes go, snakes hibernate. Snakes swallow their prey holes. I'm waiting for something like that. A snake doesn't chew. Okay, cool. Snake unhinges

its jaw. Do you know a snake doesn't have legs? snakes like hot surfacing I just can't I'm just so brutally waiting for Tony to make out with somebody that I can't even breathe she is so hot

she's definitely my favorite sexually girl on the show now she trumped Veronica not saying something yeah who's that Tony the serpent girl

the bisexual serpent girl oh yeah yeah yeah and also I'm a little bit into sweetpeas sometimes I knew you were going to say that sometimes. I got, I got, sweetie, she's got her, yeah. Oh, no, wait, I'm thinking of, what was it, the lady, the snake charmer. Oh, yeah.

Pet, Patty, Penny Patton. Penny Patty, Patty. Penny Patty. Penny, something. You know she's, that fish coming back. Oh, yeah, she's coming back. But what is she going to do when she comes back? She's going to come back with a robot arm.

She's just over there in Glendale or whatever. Greenville. Greendale. Greendale. Yeah, Greendale. That's where Sabrina is. That's right. That and I do hope that we don't have to watch Cheryl's mother.

Bang? Bang. I don't know. I think she's kind of hot. You think so? With the weird, the lace frock for her burns, her whole body that got severely burned? I'd watch it. No, she got over the burn.

Yeah, she's better. For all those third-degree burns, they healed within three days. You're right. She's magical. Yeah, I actually think she's kind of foxy. Yeah, I think she's really foxy. Well, we'll find out next week. I just,

God, I have to see FP and fucking Alice Cooper bang. Yeah. It has to happen. Well, FP is going to get involved in this whole chick business.

Believe you me. Oh, you know he is. Oh, is he the father. Oh, my God, he has to be. Yes.

I mean, that would have to be, of course he's the father. Of course he's the father. Oh, my God. That's why the dad doesn't want her to come back, let him to come back in their lives. Totally.

Oh, my God. And that means, oh, that Jughead and Betty have a half brother. Oh, my God. They share a half brother. Oh, my God. But they're still not related.

No. So that's fine. No, that's fine. Are they? They cannot introduce that hardcore of incense. There is a lot of things. Everybody are bringing up. But that's like hardcore, like full penetration incest.

Yeah, as opposed to the incest adjacentcy that happened in the whole first season. That was, but that was cousin incest. wasn't brother-sister incest. But the brother twin-sest that was happening with Cheryl and Jason. Were they twin-sest in it? I mean, it was never explicit, but it was pretty suggested. It was implied. The fact that she hated Betty's sister so much because she was knocked up with his kids.

I mean, yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't be that upset. If my brother knocked up some other girl, I'd be like, oh, cool. Great. I guess you want to keep it. You have it. I wouldn't be like, you know.

They were always touching each other in the flashbacks and kissing each other on the back And you're in that boat Yeah, they're kissing each other But you know, yeah, twin says You know what? So they already went there This is, I didn't even realize

I think it's because someone brought up Degrossi on the Facebook thing It's like this is the new This is our Degrossi for 30-year-olds Huh Degrossi, it goes there That's how we got time for In this week's Riverdale round up

We'll be back next week Yeah, we fucking will See what happens. Bernie. Kiss them all.