Page 7 - Riverdale Roundup Vol. 7: Papa Poutine

Episode Date: February 8, 2018

Jackie, Molly & Marcus discuss top secret mob meetings at Pop's, Veronica's confirmation and debate Varchie vs. Archonica. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Oh, my God. My God. Dear Lord, a lot happened this week. Always new stuff happening that is not a continuation of what has been started before. It's great. We need to start a list of unresolved plot lines. We do. That's a great idea.

We need a Google Doc that we can take notes being like, what happened to the opioid addiction? What happened to the pig heart? What happened to Josie? and Cheryl. There's so much. Also, where's Cheryl been? Cheryl hasn't been around because she'll come back with the Vengeance, you know. I need more Cheryl, though.

I've noticed in this season, this half of the season, Cheryl's really taken to backseat. She had a little bit of, she was in the second, like the episode before or last, a little bit, but not too much. Yeah, she has. And I got to, you know, I've said it before, but I'll say it again. Like, I really stood up. the biggest flip that I could ever do for any character on Cheryl Blossom.

I went from thinking she was a stone cold bitch, which, you know, in a bad way to now thinking she is a stone cold bitch in a good way. I love her. Oh, I love her. All right. So where do we begin? I guess we begin at the confirmation, the whole thing that the episode surrounds it, that features the most embarrassing musical number of the entire show. Very much so. Oh, my God, bittersweet symphony.

And also why? Why? Better Sweet Symphony. Why? And confirmation. And as they even admit in the show, makes no damn sense because confirmations happen when you're like 12 or 13. Yeah.

And why is it, and why did Veronica, when she asked Josie, she's like, you know, you know, a better sweet symphony from the Cruel Intention soundtrack? Action soundtrack. Just see the verb. That, it also, it's like, but, but so you want to sing a weird, a weird, a weird, sad melancholy song from a sexy movie too? This is your confirmation. You're supposed to be ridding yourself a shit

or whatever they do over there. Yeah, this is your completely logically impossible confirmation that everybody is at. And I got to say, I actually really enjoyed the look that Archie gave her during her confirmation when she was like, I'm so torn about what path that I'm going down. although I want to explore that too because Veronica is like

I feel like the writers need to decide is Veronica like I guess part of this episode is her kind of grappling with like do I lead Archie down this path right and she felt conflicted about that and then she like makes this really nice eye contact with Archie during her confirmation

and then she's like yeah everything is going to be okay but it's like completely unclear because she is general like I don't know I want to like is Veronica bad? Is she bad like Hyram or is she just like good but she does all the business with

Hiram? You know what I mean? And speaking of business can we talk about how they totally glossed over how their lawyer's name is Mr. Sowerberry? And they say it so, so seriously too. Call Mr. Sowerberry. Well that is just like also

sidebar of the Share B&B, you know, things like that I can't say Airbnb. It's like, come up with a new name. Yeah, Sherebyn't be pissed me on to. Another little detail, in the conversation where the whole family was there and they were talking to all the aunts and the abuela, which they did finally speak Spanish for the first time.

I feel like you summoned that. I think I did summons like you actually have to speak Spanish once, please. But did you see the pants that Veronica's mom was wearing, those gigantic hammer pants? Yeah, they were great. I kind of loved them, though. She ain't even, man, that conversation, too, where they were just trying so,

you'd be like, we're Spanish? Don't you see? We can. When they asked about Archie, and her mom just went, unenicente. Okay. Jesus, we get it.

Your abuelita's here. I understand. She's like, but it's like, it makes me think of like when my mom does, like, rugot in the middle of sense. Yeah, no, I'm just going to put a little musere. You don't say it like that. Say mozzarella.

When they're talking about all of the wives, you know, it's like, oh, I never know when he's going to be coming home safe and all that. And one of the women turns to Veronica and goes, my husband, your uncle. Your uncle. I know. That pissed me off, too. Oh, I forgot you were my aunt. Thank you for reminding me, Tia. Yeah.

Like, something that people actually do in conversation is turn to a kid and be like, well, your uncle does this. So they could have just done that. But nobody says, my husband, you know, your uncle, right? Like, nobody does that. Yeah, it's like half the time I'm like these Riverdale writers are just, they got their finger on the pulse. And then the other half of the time, they are drunk. Their name and characters are to sourberry.

Wouldn't you drink if you were right for Riverdale? I'd be like, hell yeah, because I'd just come up with the best storylines. And that's why it never goes anywhere because you think it's a great idea. And then you're like, oh, well, I don't want to like, you know, finish that up. or get back to that. I just love that they really, like, how often they nailed it, whether it's like, it's like, do you do realize the family? The family, wink, but we have our family, wink.

It's like, yeah, we get it. He's a mobster. He's bad. We understand. You don't need to keep saying it. No, but in case you didn't know that they were mobsters, don't worry. They had their super important mob meeting at Pops. at the diner in a diner that is covered in windows.

It's just windows. The FBI didn't need Archie in there. They could have just sat outside and looked him. Also, who was the guy that plugged up the toilet that was just in the bathroom? He was one of the other monsters. Was he sitting down? Yeah, he was. I thought he walked right out.

He was just like, oh, excuse me, I didn't mean to interrupt your mob meeting. Well, yeah, he was in, like the mob meeting started, and that guy was not in the mob meeting when it started. He just walked out like, sorry, shitters full. And then Archie had to go in and fix it. And speaking of which, we're at the meeting, Papa Poutine? Oh, my God. It's a very realistic madman. Also, I wrote, oh, you know, Papa Poutine.

He owns a chain of hot dog restaurants in Quebec. Then why is he called Pondon? Papa Poutine because he likes to eat Poutine, but then why does he have a chain of hot dog restaurants and go back? I can answer this. I can actually answer this. Having been to Canada multiple times in the last year and having been to Quebec, they just sell Poutine everywhere.

Yeah, it's just, I think I actually went to a hot dog Poutine place in Toronto, where it's like half hot dogs, half Poutine. They call it hot dog place, but everyone knows this Poutine there. Gotcha. So, but so, so here. He must put put putteen on, oh my God, when he ate the putteen, and he was like, these are cheese curds. It's pops.

What are you talking about? Yeah, it's probably cheese whiz. Poor pop. I feel like they got to kill Pop because he definitely was just there for their fucking mom beating. You know, having in a basement or something. Somewhere. I guess he had to show off, I guess. But even then, he didn't show off because he's like, I own this place.

I will say I really liked archie. She's little vest and, you know, his little mob outfit. Archie's valet uniform was quite nice. I thought that that was nice. He was looking pretty good. I still want to bang Hiram, though, for sure. I'm wanting to bang Hiram more and more. And Veronica's mom.

I feel like I'm definitely finding myself increasingly attracted to both of them. I just want to know what Veronica's moral compass is. I think that's what they're trying to keep a soft balance on. Yeah. But I don't think they're doing a very good job at it. Because she doesn't seem conflicted about it. If it was like a Ray from Star Wars thing and she was conflicted about her origins or whatever, then I'd be down.

But instead she's just like totally a double agent and seems totally fine with it. You know, like, she like very much works for her parents and then also very much thinks her parents are evil. You know, for people that are so Catholic, they never go to church. Yeah. I think that's, yeah, they did introduce that all of a sudden, like her going to confession. Yeah. Yeah, with the rosary and everything Where she just looked

And it's like, it's just, and now it's like, I like it that they're also making church sexy too. Everyone's just like, oh, yeah. And even Abolito was like all up on Archie. She like stared at him for a long time. I was like, hell yeah, girl, you get it. But wait, speaking of the confirmation in the party afterwards, can we talk about what's going on with Jughead and Betty?

Oh. Because it has my emotions roaring. because it's really I mean I was there I was like at that high school party and then you run into your ex and then you're like oh hi it was that was a good scene

and that's the other like and that does bring up a question Jackie told me before the show started that people are starting to refer to Archie and Veronica as Varchi which I personally I prefer Archonica I do like Archonica

It feels it to me. It sounds like a Jewish holiday. Opa! Yeah, or a Greek one. Or a Greek one. So what are we going to call the other than Betty Head? Betty Head. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're doing more than that now. You know what I mean? Ho! Hey! Call it Buck! What was that line? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Well, that, I actually, like, that conversation were not the one when they were at the party, but before that, when they were in the newspaper room, I think, and they were, like, talking about whether either of them had slept with somebody else. That was, that was like painfully good. I feel like it was like, I turned to Gideon and I was like, this is definitely how teens talk about sex. Like, we did some stuff, not everything. I was like, oh, yeah, that's definitely how people talk.

Also, just having that conversation, like, I honestly can't imagine being in a room with an ex and be like, so you sleep with anybody? No, oh, yeah, no, no. I can't do that. Maybe that's something you learn as you get older where it's like, I don't want to know, dude. I don't want to know.

Yeah, but I loved that scene. And then the scene, like the whole arc of this. them kind of like, you know, feeling them pull back towards each other. I was very, very into that. That was very well done because that kind of takes it back more to like the teen drama that you want. Exactly. That felt so teeny in a real, like, good, powerful way, you know.

That might be what this second season has been messing a little bit because the first season had that in spades. It was all teen drama, whereas now it's like FBI drama, adult drama. Which I love. I totally love. And when Hiram took Archie back into his office, like, did he walk in and immediately put on opera? Or does he just have opera playing in his office at all time?

Constantly, it has to be. I got to say, though, I think that I think that we should, number one, call them Buggy. Because then she calls him Juggy. I think Buggy's a good hybrid. And I think that Jughead Pure Sex is back. The end, because I have lost a little bit of it over last week at the beginning of this episode

because he's just been so whiny and he's just been so complainy and then everything was happening with the snakes and he was just being so fucking whiny and then he was sitting on that couch and he looked over at her and it was like my like I feel like I turned bright red

I was just like there he is Peter I it's like all the sunshine came through the windows it was angelic he's back baby Always bad. That did not take you long.

I'm pretty, yeah, I don't. Well, now that we talked about junkhead, it's time to talk about the B plot here, the search for the head of the statue. Find the head, save the trailer park. This is another thing where you were right about that the serpents would get scapegoated. They got scapegoated.

And it was a false flag, but not the kind of false flag that we thought it was going to be. It was tall boy the whole time. time. Right. So yeah, it wasn't, right, it was a false flag, but also not a false flag. Mm-hmm. I just think it's ridiculous that Jughead really thought that the woman wasn't going to come back after he cut the snake thing off. You really thought she wasn't going to come back? Penny. Of course she's got to come back. Although I guess technically with the way they throw,

you know, plot lines away, maybe she could have just never happened again. But I mean, that's a juicy one. Yeah, that's a super juicy one. And when, uh, I think it's Jughead going in and, talking to the mayor, she's like, the governor's calling me, and he is not happy about this. So you're telling me the governor of New York called Riverdale to complain about a statue being defaced? Bring me the head of Jebediah Springfield, you know, I mean. The governor's not going to get involved in this. Yeah, I think that's right. Yeah, I feel like, you know, whiny Jughead is at his best when he's investigating something,

which was why this episode was so satisfying. Mm-hmm. I get that completely. Oh, my God. When Jugget showed up at the lot or whatever, the scrap yard, and he just went, by any chance, was this gentleman tall? I was like, that's it. That's your only guy. It's just like, all right, you get it. Is it tall boy?

Just asking, it's like, the guy probably knows Tallboy. Because he worked at a scrap yard. Of course, they just dump things in there, you know? Yeah, also Tall Boy has real long hair. You could have asked, is he tall with long hair? Yeah, not just, is he tall? Oh, yeah. And he had one of those jackets.

That was such a funny scene. Oh, my God, Jughead's just trying to be so serious. Like, you're a Judas and an idiot. Good one. Good one, Jughead. Now Jughead's totally redeemed from, he was about to get his skin peeled off and be, you know, exiled from the snakes. And then all he had to do was find the head, turn on Tallboy,

and then everyone's like, it's totally fine that you mutilated that woman. Welcome back. Oh, we're going to talk about the fight between Jughead and FP. You will be the death of us. Oh, my God. But him getting angry is so sexy.

It's true. Oh, my God. It's true. Jughead throws a fit and throws his hat. Yeah, I can't believe F.P. Never found out about that. It was a pretty big store. Also, all the other serpents helped.

Jughead peel that woman's tattoo off. I think it was just Jughead and Sweet Pee. Wasn't there like a squad with them? I think there was like three of them. But maybe not all of them. But on the other hand, there are how many serpents? 20? Yeah, right.

They're always all hanging out together. Yeah, I feel like a good portion of serpents were there. And then all of a sudden they were all like, yes, kill Jughead. And I'm like, you guys were there. You guys like, didn't they have a meeting and decide that they were going to do this? I think that was a clandestine act. I think Jughead acted on his own because he's a loose cannon. has a loose cannon. Yeah, but don't

like snakes travel in packs in the grass. Some snakes do, but other snakes travel alone. Snake always wants more. No, all snakes slithered together. Snake never sheds and skittler, except for real snakes, who have to. They always do. They do it a lot as

they grow. Yeah, and also what happened to the little club that Jughead started the sword and serpent club? That's gone. Yeah. That one's gone. Don't worry about that one. Don't worry about that one.

I gotta say like at the end of it when they're the grill and tallboy and they're all talking to them about it kind of took the wind out of the serpents a little bit because like they're just arguing about petty vandalism. Yeah. Like they're talking about like somebody like spray painted something on a wall or something like these are adults. Right. But at least on the other, I completely agree. The serpents are like a gang of 12-year-old children who is actually populated by largely adults. Yeah.

But then Hiram turns out is like a real serious deal mobster because as soon as he's threatened, bam, he just kills people. Yeah. One phone call. He just has to hear one rumor from a teenager and that man is dead. And then at the very end, when the FBI agent comes in to meets up with R.G, He looks at him and goes, I was a murder in Riverdale last night.

His mob name was Papa Pute. You can't say that seriously. And Archie does not rat it. He doesn't rat him out. We're going to need your teenage help. Well, my lawyer husband was very upset because Archie lied to the FBI, which is a felony. Never lie to the FBI.

Just don't answer their questions. So you need a lawyer. And so Archie is in big trouble. Ooh. Uh-oh. I mean, they're going to find out because that FBI agent is everywhere. He is Mr. FBI. I can't believe his name is not just Mr. FBI.

He's the one FBI agent we've got on this huge organized crime case. And then finally, we have to talk about it. At the end, knock on the door. Alice opens it cuts to another scene comes back later Betty's coming home her and jug as a horridor

everything's great and Alice is cleaning up blood off of the floor and there is a dead body in their home that's true who did it who do you think did it do you think it was Alice Cooper or do you think it was chick I personally think that he's some sort

of slut man from the from the interwebs and he came to get money or whatever, you know, because, you know, how Chick gets his job interviews by sucking dudes off upstairs and then drinking milk afterwards, by the way? Which I forgot. I didn't notice that. Yeah, because after I have sex, there's nothing I want more than a tall glass of milk. Wash it down.

Big old glass. It's like a vat of milk, and he comes downstairs in Roe being like, just had my interviews. Dude, man, didn't you just get enough? enough milk in your fucking mouth? I would think it's too close. So I think that he was attacking Chick and then Alice Cooper like bashed him over the head. I think that's, I think that's also what happened.

I think that's the most likely explanation, but that makes me think that there must be some much less likely explanation. That's the one that's actually going to be it. That's the thing. Yeah. Well, notice that Chick was not in the room. But we don't think it's chick's body. No, it's definitely not,

definitely the whoever possibly pimp that came in looking for chick. I'd imagine that guy is Chick's pimp. But notice that Chick was not in the room. It was just Alice cleaning up the blood. So I think possibly what might have happened is she comes, he comes in, he pushes his way in, he's talking to Alice. He's like, you don't know who this guy is. You don't know what this guy's all about. He owes me a lot of money.

And then Chick just comes up behind the guy and wax him over the head with something. And then Chick runs away, leaving Alice to deal with the aftermath. Being the mother she is, she has to protect her child and clean up the murder. But that's a lot of blood. There's a lot of blood. That's like, I mean, it could also be a stabbing or like a slicing of some sort because that was a lot of blood. I think I saw a head wound. Okay.

I think I did see a head wound. It looked like Blunt Force trauma. Yeah, head wounds do bleed a lot. Mm-hmm. Also, we didn't even talk about, do I look good? Can I undress for you? The man that Betty is cyber chatting with? Oh, God.

Remember that? Totally didn't talk about Betty doing the cyber. She's doing it. She's being a video jiggle. She found her darkness. Because you know she's dark because she holds her fists too tight sometimes. And then when drughead was like, have you slept with anyone? And she was like, oh, what do I say?

I've been having video sex with people. And then also the same thing right before they, fuck too when he asked her again I forget what the interaction was but like and she again lies him you know that is going to explode at some point definitely she was about to tell him and then she stopped yeah she's like I got one more

thing to tell you never mind yeah and Jughead I mean yeah fuck you know Jughead we know he's not going to handle that well he's not going to like that he's a petty boy and I'm guessing you know who's going to blow the lid off at all Cheryl has to be has to be she knows everything

I mean, especially since her mom's a prostitute as well. Oh, exactly. That's how this is all going to come together. That's how it's all going to come together. She's going to be like, Betty, I saw your name on my mom's sex worker fellow employees list. It's going to be something like, oh, it's going to be something like that. It's going to be great. Oh, man.

Also, don't you think that that making out scene was way hotter knowing that they actually date in real life? Or is that just me? Betty and Jughead? Yeah. They date in real life? Yeah. What? I did not know Buggy actually dated.

I didn't know that. No, yeah. Buggy, real life buggy exists as well. Interesting. And then that's why I was just like, I wonder if that's why it was so hot or just because I wanted to watch it so badly. Wow. Interesting. Yeah, because I honestly watching those, like, I think watching like HBO and like movies and shit like that has ruined me. Because it always starts to like take the shirt.

shirt off, bra stays on. Yeah. Every time. Like every time it ends right before you want it to end. Yeah. But it works because it's high schoolers, I'm kind of totally satisfied just with a dry humping. Yeah, that's fine.

Oh, yeah. But I got to say, though, he got that zipper down fast. That's one of those tiny zippers. That's difficult to get those down. Yeah. Oh, man. We should remember that teenagers are, you know, a lot of them, if they're doing this for the first time, they're not very good at getting clothes off.

No, not at all. Hell, I mean, honestly, even adults, sometimes it's difficult. True. I can't imagine getting that zipper down that fast, but you know what? Good on them. Good on them.

Well, that's it for this week's Riverdale Roundup. I don't think there's any more, is there? I don't think so, but I fucking can't wait to go home and watch Riverdale. I had kind of forgotten about the pile of blood, to be honest, because it happened so much at the end. I'm so excited. Oh, God, I hate that you guys are three hours later than me. Yeah, it's almost Riverdale.

time for us. Oh yeah, we're T-minus two and a half hours away from Riverdale right now. You've got a whole day to live. So we'll be back next week with chapter 26, the telltale heart. Which tells you a lot about what's going to happen. Someone's guilt is going to overcome them. Whose guilt is it? Is it Veronica's? Is it Archie's?

Is it Betty's? Or Alice's? Oh. Oh my God. I can't wait. All right. Goodbye, everyone. Bye.