Page 7 - Riverdale Roundup Volume 1

Episode Date: December 15, 2017

Jackie, Molly and Marcus' weekly recap of everyone's favorite speecy-spicey teen drama: Riverdale! This segment was featured in episode 221: Jingle Jangle. For standalone Riverdale Roundup episodes, start at Riverdale Roundup Volume 3! Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Welcome to Riverdale Roundup. Get on the Roundup, get it around up, get all your fixes, get all your shifts in. Well, Riverdale Roundup was something that we started doing. At the end of Page 7, we've been doing it for the last couple of weeks for the episodes, Tales from the Dark Side, and death proof. But we were doing at the very end of the episode, and we found out that people were really digging it, really enjoying it. So we figured that we'd release them all as individual mini episodes.

So we're going to start by releasing the one we did a couple of episodes ago. So yeah, this is the first Riverdale roundup. And we actually, you know, and we do a pretty good roundup of the entire season of Riverdale. Oh, yeah, baby. Oh, hell yeah. So here is the first Riverdale roundup. Enjoy. And we're going to be doing it every single week.

So be sure to come back. We're getting horny, bitches. Enjoy. We got to get to the Riverdale wrap up. The very first. The very first Riverdale wrap-up. If you're not caught up with Riverdale, goodbye.

Sayanara. For those of you who are all caught up, this is the first time we've been able to talk about the whole thing. Who is the Black Hood? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I, all right, guys, throwing it out there. I think it's Betty's mother.

I think it's Betty's father. Betty's father. That's a pretty good guess. Yes, but Betty's mother, it can't be Betty's mother because it's most definitely a man, because we have seen him twice. That's true, but at the same time, when she came in, when her mother came in with the snake around her neck, like, the serpent, excuse me, around her neck. Which she had that fucking awesome, like, red outfit on. I was like, you go, fucking girl after her mugshot came out. She's coming back to the Dark Side.

Yeah. Oh, she's definitely, yeah. And in case you didn't know, that's from Veronica's party. That's where Reggie tried to date raped Cheryl. And I love the vigilante justice plot lines that they have in both the first season and the second season.

They have a bunch of women getting together and fucking with violent men. It's great. It's pretty awesome. I mean, there's vigil. I mean, that's just like the general tone of Riverdale. It's just like Archie and friends are just vigilantes. Yeah.

Take the law into their own hands. Because like the sheriff is there. And like, but like the sheriff is like kind of like three steps behind everyone. I like that the sheriff's kid is still friends with everybody, but every time he's like, should we call my dad? Everyone's like, no. You know, like they're working outside the justice system, which is great.

Your dad sucks. Yes, he is accepting of your sexuality, and we're all very happy about that. But your dad sucks at his job. But also, what if the sheriff is the Black Hood killer? Ooh. Why? Remember? All right, okay.

Remember when he said he was going to go after the, uh, the, almost date rapist, right? And so Betty shows up to like stop it and then he shows up and he said oh the cops were called but it's like, were they or did he show up and he said, what are you doing

here? But maybe maybe he was on his way there to go take care of him through a different kind of justice that like but since it wasn't like a part of the whole Riverdale society he was going to do it properly. It's a crazy thing.

but you know, maybe. Well, that would fit in because whoever is a serial killer has a sense that Riverdale is being corrupted. And so it could be the sheriff being like, things are going wrong. I have to stop it. That's actually a pretty good idea. But, well, yeah, because he went after, you know, Moose and the lady, whoever the lady. I can't remember who the lady was? A bitch.

Yeah, because they were, and can we please talk about how jingle jangle jangle is the dumbest fucking name in the world. Jangle, it's unbearable. I love it. I want to get my fucking hands on some jingled jangle, baby. How fucking sexual they get. Hey, oh, Reg, can I get some of that jingle jangle? It's so dumb. It's such a dumb name.

And at one time, only once Veronica calls it JJ, which is what it should be called. No one's going to say jingle jangle all the time. Or why can't they just call it fucking Molly, which is what it clearly is based on what they took it, you know? It's Molly. I've been trying to figure out exactly what jingle, jingle was. Yeah, it's Molly. I think it's Molly, right?

It seems like it's Molly. Or ecstasy. Like, they're all, they're a little bit sped up, but they're mostly just like, sexual. Yeah. It's definitely Molly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Based on the effects of the Molly party they had at Reggie's hotel room, which, ooh, that was

Species Spicer. That was. Species! Oh, my God. And can we also talk about how they fucking turn the heat up to 11 on season two? Yes. Like, season one, like you kind of want the whole. whole time.

It's like, okay, there's some making out there. That's fine. It's cool. And then season two is just like, fuck yeah. Dude, it's the best. But I feel, I feel a little bit weird being, uh, I feel totally fine being turned on by Archie because he's clearly 25. Um, there's something about Jughead and Jughead.

No, Jughead's the one that's 25. Archie's the one that's 20. Really? Okay. Juggett's 25? All right. It just, he, he looks there. Okay, good.

I felt a little bit weird during Jughead sex scenes, that's all I'm saying. Well, this is just because he's an awkward person. Yeah. Yeah, he doesn't necessarily exude sexuality. He's just an awkward guy.

Oh, contrary. Dude, when he puts on the fucking serpent's jacket, oh, he's so bad. He's a bad. Oh, my God, I love him. I love bad Jughead so much. I have been watching videos on YouTube of Archie speaking in his normal voice And it is a delight and a trip

And I don't totally recommend it because he's much more obnoxious as a New Zealander I don't want to ruin the Archie fantasy here I want to keep my Archie where Archie is It's weird it's deaf he sounds like the fight of the concords guys And all of a sudden you're like you're not Archie I hate you you're not my all-American boy like finding out that Santa Claus is your dad? Yes, and the

Archie instead of saying flirtacious, he says, fletitious. Ew. Yucky. No, thank you. What about that broad? What about the serpent broad? I don't remember any of their names. With the one with the colored hair. Yeah, well, she hasn't been about it. Well, Jughead already broke that off, right?

Yeah, because she likes girls better anyway. Yeah, girl. That's right. I want to watch her make out with a girl, dude. Yeah, she's fine as hell. You will eventually. That's about, well, really, that's the only thing that they haven't covered yet was a couple of hot, some hot girl on girl action. Because they made fun of it a little bit in like the second episode when Veronica was trying out for,

Veronica and Betty were trying out for the, what do they call the vixen? And, you know, and they did the kiss and she was like, oh my God, lesbian kisses stuffy and she's talking like three years ago. Which I appreciated that line. I appreciated that too. That was pretty good. But there hasn't been any hot girl-on-girl action. There's been hot action of every other kind in this show.

Oh, yeah. No girl-on-girl yet. I'm going ahead and throwing it out there. What if it's a Betty and that girl making out in front of Jughead, though? Ooh. Yes, please. We know Betty's got that dark side. Oh, yes, you do.

And actually, it's weird because it's like I just, you know, obviously I always want to be a Veronica, even though I want to fuck Jughead. But I think I think I like, maybe I am a Betty. Maybe I'm a betty on the inside Maybe Yeah Yeah, I know On the inside

I know I'm a Jughead Yeah, I was going to say You gotta You gotta own that Yeah, definitely got Even though Jughead is I would say One of my least favorite characters

He's okay But he's just He just get Every once in a while He gets a little snotty He's a very snotty character Which is surprising for someone that is poor

that lives in a trailer. Just saying. That like for how like uppity he is about things, it's like come on man. It's like yeah, you're fine. Cool out. He's defensive. You know, I feel like he feels like he's judged all the time so he has to put up some walls. What about that?

Yes, you know, it's true. What about the weird hot daddy sugarman teacher? Oh, at the new school? Oh, that's right, the guy that the sugar man. The red and white. The Sugar Man, yeah.

Because that was at the very end of the last episode, right? Oh, yeah, baby. See, I just watched all of the second season last night. I literally, yesterday, I walked over the fucking mountain into the valley. I walked for hours. I walked 11 miles over a fucking mountain. I came home. I took a shower.

I just got super stone. I was like, this is the rest of my night, man. I fucking love Riverdale. So it was just like laying in bed all wet and hot and bothered by myself watching. Riverdale. Do you know it was fantastic? Yeah, it was everything I wanted. No, I mean, I did kind of the same thing. Like, I watched the first, like, seven or eight episodes on a cross-country flight.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, all at once. And then watch most of the second season in a day or two. Yeah, I think I watched all of the first season, like, over a weekend. And then when I found out the second season was available, it took us about two days to get through it. Yeah, how are the significant others enjoying this? Carolina is not a fan Why?

I don't know She's just not She's not a fan She's not into it Damn, that's cold He says it's unbearably stupid Well, she's correct Whoa, it is stupid

But not unbearably stupid Yeah That's what I'd say That's what I'd say I think she's just not so much Into the teen drama Which I get I understand I guess

Yeah Gideon likes it I didn't think that he would I thought that he... Oh my God, you should have seen the eye roll I just got from Jackie. I was throwing some. Like, I guess. That was Cheryl Blossomworthy right there.

Oh my God, please. Please, I mean, be Sherylossom. I'm going to start wearing those kind of lips and I'm going to start wearing satin all the time. Oh, sexy. That's going to be my new go-to. I think, I got to say, The props to the writers for making Cheryl Blassim

a character that you end up, you start off obviously hating her, she's a character you're supposed to hate, but damned if they don't put you on a roller coaster of kind of loving her sometimes, you know? Sometimes you're, but then she also like twists it all back around. Yeah. But it is very interesting though that how many times and all the problems they have with each other

that Cheryl always calls them to coddle her. Like she isn't that ice cold, which is kind of nice. At least she does have, you know what, if anything, her character isn't. as to D as I thought it was going to be. Yes, although I think that they all have some unresolved trauma from the fucking suicide attempt and Archie trying to save her from the ice. That traumatized me watching that scene.

And then the next, she was just like sitting by a fire in the next scene. I was like, you need to go to a hospital. You have hypothermia. That was very upsetting. But so I think that she, you know, I'm not saying she needs to be more appreciative. I think she needs some intervention that Archie can't provide. And I feel like Archie probably needs to process. Archie's got the weight of the world on his shoulders.

He does. He does. And can we also talk about how Cheryl Blossom's mom recovered from third degree burns completely within like a week and a half? You just put you slap some lace collars on it. She's fine. Put more lace on her. She went from completely bandaged up to like kind of fucked up

to completely find over the course of a week and a half. Completely fine. It's like the agate. It's like the actress just goes like, I'm tired of wearing this makeup. Just let me be fine. It's probably what happened. Also, how about those gooies, huh? They need to have hotter gooies.

I don't know. The gooies, I think, need to be kind of gross. Yeah, I guess that's true. But, you know, I mean, they sound like, in theory, if you're going to be jingled jangle makers, I mean, I imagine I'm going to be attracted to you in some capacity. And I just wasn't. I was disappointed.

I wanted more hot heat. But you're right. I guess they are called goolies. Yeah, they're supposed to be the greasy, greasy ones. You mean the gooies are the... Goolies are the ones that are bringing jangle-jangle in a south side high. Okay, right, right.

Just listening to that, said so seriously. No, no, no, no, no. That's what they bring the jingle jangle in, Molly. And they're bringing it to south side high. It's starting to peek its way in a Riverdale high just a bit here and there, but for the most part, I mean, but, you know, that's mostly just Reggie bringing it in. Oh, man, that Reggie. Oh, man.

That Reggie. That video, their, like, Red Circle video was so, like, twink-tastic. It was ridiculous. That was so weird. Why did they have to have their shirts off? That is, and that's coming from me. Yeah, why did they have to have their shirts off? and why was Archie the only one with his shirt on?

Yeah, Archie is a fucking idiot sometimes. I feel like, you know, sometimes I'm like, Archie, get your head out of your ass. And that Red Circle video was really one of those moments. Yeah, it really was. Yeah. Luke Perry getting shot. That was a heart wrencher right there.

Yeah. Yeah, but you notice he keeps popping those pills. I bet that's going to be a storyline soon. I definitely saw that in the last episode. Oh, yeah. He pops the pill when he's talking to Archie, and he's like, I'm fine. So definitely setting up a little bit of a,

I guess a commentary on the opioid epidemic. Tackle that one, Riverdale. Topical Riverdale. We're going to turn it all around. This is what's going to turn the whole business around. I'm sure we'll treat it. Riverdale tackling it. We'll treat it with dignity and respect of complexity.

As Riverdale treats everything. There's one thing this show has. dignity. The music in it, though, is amazing. I don't know if they stepped up their game for the second season, although got to throw it out there.

Then my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard scene. Was weird. It was, but I was into it. I was like, you got the rights to Calise? Okay. They obviously have so much more money this season. It's so fucking hilarious.

But also, I love it like, Didi-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d. It's great. It's pretty good. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's pretty good.

But come on. Come on, Josie. Pick a lineup. You always got, you got Veronica coming in and coming out. You got Cheryl coming in now and going out again. Pick a lineup. And I don't know what's going on with that. I mean, they always sound the same, and that's fine.

You know, I love me some Josie and the pussy cats. But also, it kept getting this goddamn lollipop song stuck on my head. Lollipop, Lollipop. La lily, laupe. Lollipop. And I was like, stop. Stop it's a killer. Why is that his ringtone?

Give him a unique ringtone. Give him like, does that make me crazy? That would be fun. I think that was his ringtone because I think it's like the Sugar Man thing. Like, I'm assuming. I don't know. You notice that she also only used the lollipop ringtone in one episode, maybe two. And then after that, they'd stop using it.

I don't know. It was really annoying me. If Betty specifically chose that song To be the ringtone for the serial killer That makes me respect Betty 200 times more than I already do Yeah She's really badass Yeah

I don't know I think it's all gonna blow up at her face I just hope there's a threesome Between the black hood Betty and Jughead No no no with the girl from the serpents Oh I was thinking that my brain was going somewhere

I mean, that's fine too. I'm fine. As long as I get to watch Betty and Jugget and have sex, it's all I care about. We almost did. So close. And they just keep getting so close. And I'm just like, just fuck.

Can you please just fuck Archie and Veronica are fucking all over the place? Come on. They are. They absolutely are. So when do you think the abortion's going to come? Late season two or season three? Season three. I think it's going to be season three.

Yeah, because they've already done pregnant teen. Yeah. Like that whole thing's been going on for a while. And by the way, winter the fucking twins is going to be born. Right? Yeah, right. And I love how they were like,

it's twins. And I'm like, you are this pregnant and you did not have an ultrasound yet. Not yet. But also I thought it was really funny when Betty, when Veronica and Archie were like just about to like fuck really hard. She's like, wait, we have one other thing to do. You can't do that right after.

You're fucking 16 years old. It's going to be 10 seconds. Can you imagine grind on the? somebody shirts off and be like, no, no, no, no, no, I got to go do this thing. Hell no. I'm like, come out. Get inside of me right now. You do not leave the bed.

Although I didn't totally love how Veronica fucked Archie right after, like, when he still had his dad's blood on him. I felt like that wasn't a good time. Although sometimes people fuck in grief, I get that. Well, that wasn't the first time. No, but it just seemed like he was in the shower. He was in the shower. He was in the shower.

It was. It was fine because I know when she kind of like got in and I was like, you know what I'm okay with it. Yeah. I'd be okay with it. Yeah. Why the fuck not? Yeah.

I don't know if I could fuck right after watching my parent getting shot, but I would definitely be able to like make out in the shower right after my daughter got shot. Come on in. Soap my back. Yes. Make me feel good. Sure. But I'm just saying I knew he was going to get mad. I knew he wasn't ready for that.

And then he got mad like two seconds later. He did get mad. He wasn't emotionally ready to fuck yet because he's too stressed about his dad. And I just feel like Veronica needed to give him a little space to shower in his peace, you know. Well, you know, sometimes you don't always know what your partner needs. That's true. But it's the thought that counts. You got to test the waters.

Man, I know this didn't even mean anything, but I don't know why. I kept waiting. So I don't know if you remember when Smithers had to like go be with his mom because his mom got together. Yeah, why did Smithers have to suddenly leave? I think that her dad, Veronica's dad, booted him because, Smithers knows he's a bad person. Yeah, yeah, that is true. Yeah, but then what about that hot door man?

I was waiting for the hot door man to come in and start schmanging on fucking Veronica. He was a hot dude. Or maybe they just didn't register. Yeah, I don't think that registered. I was waiting. I'm like, where's that door man? Maybe, but that's what happens when you're horny and alone watching Riverdale for hours, I guess. Every man you see it and you're like, fuck that one.

Maybe you should fuck that one. I'll fuck that one. Yeah, I got to admit I feel weird. I feel weird about how much I'm enjoying Skeet Ulrich. He's great. He's great. Yeah, he's really good. Like, not only great, but attractive.

Oh, yo. Yeah. It's weird. I know, but I still think of the craft and scream, and I'm like, I'm just weirded out by it because I was attracted to him then, but in like, I was scared of him. Yeah, him and Matthew Lillard definitely took two different paths from Scream because, like, this year, it's like, like, Skeed Ulrich is in River. Everdale and Matthew Lillard is in fucking Twin Peaks. So they definitely went two different directions. Yeah.

Even though Matthew Lillard still made Scooby-Doo. I had questions on both of them and screamed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. But I was always more a sked-all-wrackerel. You know that. You know it. You know, I want him, but now he's just so bad. See, you could still be scared, attracted to him in this.

Yeah, no, it's true. You know why I was a Matthew Liller girl. We'll be no surprise to anybody because of SLC. Of course. Yes. Well, you also were attracted to James. Jamie Kennedy, so. I know.

I can't bring up scream without owning my shame. There's no revisionist history here. Forever. I don't forever say it. One more thing about Riverdale, and I just noticed this today. You guys noticed in the promo poster that's like on Netflix and all that.

Did you guys notice the diner sign behind the characters? No. Did you notice on the diner sign the in and the R are burnt out? Whoa, it says die on it. Look at that subtle shit right there. Oh, that is so subtle.

Duh. Die. Die. And I also have to admit that I did not notice that Veronica was Hispanic at all until her mother called her Meeha, episode 8. It's because they don't do anything with it, side from have the parents call her miha sometimes.

That's the only thing, which is fine. But, like, it's just like a, they've literally done, there's no, there's no plot about that other than that the mom calls her miha. Well, the stuff, like, actually, like, that's one of the things that I kind of appreciate about the shows that, like, like, the race stuff and, like, you know, like homophobic stuff and things like that. It's like, they admit that's way too complicated for them to tackle. Yeah, but it's there.

Like, they have queer characters there and it's not like, yeah, I think that they actually do really well with that. It's treated like super normal. It's just like, all right, yeah, this is, this is how it is. Totally how it is. Like Friday Night Lights was good enough to tackle that stuff. Yeah. And talk about that kind of stuff.

Riverdale is not good enough and they know it. But it's, but then, yeah, like it's actually, like, it deals with a lot of those politics stuff really well. And I think it's totally fine that they don't ever like be like, we are Hispanic. They just like call her, meha, and it's like normal, but they never, you never find any more details about it, which is like, you know, which is fine. But it's just like a, it's, yeah, it's just like a, it's just like a, it's just like thing that they do but no I agree they totally make things normal like yeah here's a gay

character who cruises in the woods but that's what's so great about is that the sheriff was like it didn't even matter the gay thing didn't even matter it just like don't be cruising in the woods like it's like no matter who you're fucking just like don't cruise in the woods it's great that's what it should be yeah no I agree I think that they actually deal with those things be by not taking them on head on I feel like it actually makes them like normalizes stuff yeah yeah absolutely normalizes stuff and that's that's that's awesome but yeah you know even though like all these problems still exist in America to like a huge degree they uh they know they're not good enough to tackle and they they and they and they

don't and i i appreciate yeah yeah i think it's good oh i feel i feel better now yeah yeah i i finally got to talk to somebody about this stupid fucking show because it's just been like me and the one thing that carolita does to get a kick out of is like when i tell her like the episode wrap up after like I watch an episode. Oh, yeah. Well. Sit down. Let me tell you what happened to Veronica and Archie this episode because everything's

changed since the last time I talked to you. She's like, all right, dear. Tell me all about it. I tried to get, I kept going into the living room last night and yelling at Henry and Natalie about jingle jangle. And then at the end, I was like trying to get Henry and Natalie to be into it. And I was just like, there's this aerial killer. And I think you'll like it.

And he's like, no, I'll never watch it. You're a fud dud. You're a fucking fudy dund. Yeah, stop being a fud dud, Henry. Come on, watch it. I've mentioned it a couple times on last podcast, and he is fudding me out every single time. Who does he think he is?

Is he fudden you out, bro? He's totally fudding me out. I'm getting all fudded over here. Henry Fudzebrows me. He's going to love his new nickname. That's all we got to have it on today's page 7. Thank you all very much for listening. We'll be back next week with the wrap-up of this week's Riverdale.

And other news as well. And other news as well. But yes, for the next 12 weeks, we're going to have our Riverdale wrap-up. So the three of us are going to have to be pretty fucking, we're going to have to be pretty on point. Yeah. Because we can't spoil each other. We can't do that.

No. We're all caught up. We're all together. We're in it. We're in it to win it, baby. Alright. Talk to you next week. Bye, yo.