Page 7 - Saving Christmas WATCHALONG

Episode Date: November 23, 2023

Enter your post-turkey coma with the help of Kirk Cameron's cinematic masterpiece, Saving Christmas! HAPPY THANKSGIVING Y'ALL! GOBBLEGOBBLE! Don't forget to check out Jackie giving Holden some Christmas cheer during the annual Thanksgiving Day Parade Stream over on TWITCH! Page 7 and Wizard and the Bruiser are going on TOUR! Dates and links to tickets at lastpodcastnetwork.com Want even more Page 7? Support us on Patreon! Patreon.com/Page7Podcast Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, do we have a bit of a doozy today? Yes, welcome to the Thanksgiving edition of page seven, where I'm finally allowing MJ to be let loose out of their holiday pen. Are they currently wearing an elf onesie? The answer is yes. I'm not going to yell at you. I have your Christmas best on, Jackie. You have your Christmas best on I am wearing all black as you should live in mourning of the bird who died for our Thanksgiving sins.

Oh, man, I know. I put on my elf pajamas because I was trying to convince my children to put on their pajamas before I left the house to record this episode. And Gideon was like, are you going to wear those elf pajamas? And I was like, you bet I am. Because Jackie is upset at me for having a Christmas. spirit because it's Thanksgiving spirit. But just like Santa comes in at the end of the Macy's Day parade, today, as you listen to this, it is Thanksgiving and I hope that it was as good as it can be for you. You know, for many people being around their family is not nice, or you wish you were

around your family and you're not. So it's either, you're fucked either way. But I hope that you had at least a warm meal and some love. And now we get to begin the, what do they say in Muppa Christmas Carol, it's the, it's the penguin Christmas party. Oh yeah, the penguin. Yes. We're getting ready, you know. They're skating. Yes, and we're doing, we're lighting the lamps and we're watching.

After all, there's only one last you till Christmas. And I will say because we have an early Thanksgiving this year, and I know that you're going to be so excited, MJ. That means that there's a longer Christmas season. I know. That's nice. You get a whole almost extra week. I'm not against the Christmas spirit.

I just need to make space. No, you're right. You're right. We need to, and I'm not putting up my decorations until after Thanksgiving this year. So it's good to hold space. Whoa.

I know. This is big for you. I know. I know. We're holding space for Thanksgiving and we are thankful for all of you. And we... Oh, my God, we are.

And now we're going to watch Kurt Cameron, who again, I have to point out, I think that he made this entire movie out of jealousy for his sister's corner of the market for Christmas movies. Because we know Candace Cameron Bray is the Christmas bitch. Christmas bitch. You know, to beat them all. And he made this movie in 2014. Yes. Which we've heard from a lot of people about. Also, Holden's not here. We didn't say that.

Oh, yeah. Holden's not here. Holden can't join us. And honestly, I'm mad because now I want to force him to watch this movie regardless. I know. I can't believe that we have to watch Kirk Cameron's saving Christmas. without. I don't want you guys to think we're punishing you. But technically we're punishing ourselves because saving Christmas, apparently, it has zero percent on rotten tomatoes. It is Kirk Cameron and it is a lot of, I guess I'm just going to go ahead and say it now, Christian propaganda. Yeah. Oh yeah. He's the, he's the banana guy. Yes. Remember, he held up the banana and said, could anybody but God invent something this perfect? And, you know, that is a good question. I'm just looking at this person that needed 10 months ago, 10 months ago.

So the middle of, like, not the holiday season at all, wrote this very long Google review. This is very sad that this movie got 27 likes on Google because I see how many people hate Christianity. They're watching it. Christ is the savior of the whole world. We must realize that we are sinners that were not saved by a good works. We're saved through faith in Jesus Christ. This is a very long... There's another person that said this movie renewed my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.

So maybe... This is going to put some faith in a couple of sinners over here. Wow. Well, and you know, my problem is that I don't get religious at Christmas, but I do really love the idea behind the story of Christ. Who wouldn't? A miracle comes and everything is bad. better, you know, I think that sounds nice.

So I'm not going to be, I'm not going to become a fundamentalist Christian by watching this movie, but it is going to be an interesting experience for me. I'm excited to see and watching it alongside of someone who brutally despises organized religion of any sort. So this, I think that this is going to speak to the two of us. Yeah. I can feel it. Yeah.

Yeah. You're the one who hates all, who hates organized, who does not have an appreciation for organized religion. and I'm the one who like weirdly secretly wishes I was part of an organized religion, but just I'm not and I just can't. It's just like, but I like, it looks nice, you know, it looks. I get that.

How nice to be part of a group. Yes, exactly. It's a sense of community. I love traditions. I love being part of a group. That's why I say specifically organized religion because like I'm not like upset with faith. Totally.

I'm not against the idea of spirituality. The stories are very nice. Like, yeah. Communities working together and believing in the good of people. I believe in all. All of that stuff. All of that. It is just saying that you are born unto this world in sin.

I really have a fucking issue with that. Sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry. This is coming up. We don't usually talk about religion on this show. I think it's, we're learning. I mean, I know that you grew up going to Catholic Church. And so I think that a lot of people who had that experience share your feelings about this.

And, I mean, and Kirk Cameron is, he's on a whole other level. Oh, he certainly is. It certainly is. The Catholics look like scientists. So let's get into it. So I just want to say thank you to everyone that wrote in that said that we should watch Saving Christmas. We heard your cries.

And now we're going to hear your cries after you have to watch Saving Christmas. Yes. And remember, of course, we support you and whatever your religion is. We love you. Oh, yeah. All people should be able to believe whatever they want. Fuck yeah. Except Kirk Cameron.

Yeah, we do dislike Kirk Cameron and Candice Cameron Bray. Yeah. But let's, don't work. this is available on Amazon Prime. We are not paying for this movie. We are not paying for it. We are not giving them any money, and you don't have to watch it.

No. I think that this will be fun enough to listen to if you are not watching it. But if you want to, it is on Prime and it is free. Because I will say I am drinking a vodka drink and I am about to take a pull out of the fireball gallon bottle. And I am about to open my whiskey mule. Aw, Whiskey mule.

All right, I'm going to take a little shot of of Christmas spirit. Hey, let's bring Santa down the parade. It's Christmas season, guys. Welcome. Oh, God. Do you hear what I hear?

Oh, I hear it, MJ. It's the little hoop prince of Cameron. So we are We are going to be, so don't worry, guys, this movie I think is like an hour and 18 minutes long. It's a fastie.

And it's a fastie. So pull it up on your Amazon Prime if you're watching along with us. We're going to do a three, two, one start. And I'm going to start the movie at the beginning of me saying the word start. I love it. Every time we do this, Jackie says it, and it's always great. All right. Here it goes, everybody.

You ready, MJ? I'm so ready. All right. I don't know if we're ready. I think we should have gotten a lot drunker to get ready for this. We're so sober right now. We're going to get drunker as this goes on. Don't worry.

As should you listen. All right. Okay. Three, two, one. Start. And don't worry, MJ. We have our watch party going and I did put on these subtitles. Oh, thank God.

So that we can't miss a word of this monstrosity. All right. I'm feeling it. I will say I did feel in the Christmas spirit today because I did just send out an email. I am hosting for the first time in my. smallish apartment. I am hosting a cookie swap. And I'm doing it the Saturday after Thanksgiving. So that's, oh God. Okay, here he is. He's sitting in front of a Christmas tree. This is what his sister does. Yes. Oh, shut up, Kirk Cameron. Is he, wait, does he star in this movie? I believe so. Or did he just

write the movie? We're about to find out. He's talking about all the Christmas stuff, but you know what? He's going to be like, I really love the Lord. I love. I love it. I love it. love the Lord Jesus Christ, and I don't believe that a person is made homosexual. It is choice. This Christmas sweater he's wearing sucks ass, Kirk. Yeah, he sucks ass. Get a more Christmasy fucking sweater. Shave.

Also, I don't understand why the stockings on the hearth there have the name's Jack and Henry. Who's Jack and Henry? You stealing children, Kirkland? Wow, they do say Jack and Henry. He must have children named Jack and Henry. That's the only possible option. I refuse to look it up. Yeah, I'm not going to look it up.

We don't want to know anything about him. No. I like this fake set, though, of where he's sitting. And I like how far away they are from him as if he might bite. Oh, my God. It's like so weird because he is, my brain still has a like, it's Kirk Cameron. Like, I still remember him from growing pains and stuff, you know? so it's like I want him to be a normal guy.

But he's about to get... See, they don't want us to love Christmas so much and celebrate it the way we do. They don't... They're talking about... He's talking about us. He's talking about us. He is still just sitting in front of the fire talking.

Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. Whoa, torn it down. People are silenced in Christmas. Yeah, why are they silenced? Do you feel silence? Is this why you asked me to watch this movie? Yeah, my love of the Lord has been silenced.

in this nation. I just love you saying this with the elf onesie on. It's just, it's hard. It's hard. It's great. I will say, did I tell you that all my Christmas decorations, we're doing all of Christmas,

because we're going to be home for Christmas this year. Everything we're doing in black and gold. That's cool. And we bought a bunch of vintage, spooky, like Christmas decorations. That's awesome. But what would the Lord say, Jackie? Lord wouldn't like it Lord, although maybe the Lord might

enjoy the biblically accurate angel that Jeff made us for the top of our tree. I think the Lord might like that. So what are we supposed to do? Kirk Cameron asks. Oh, what about the kids? MJ. I can't believe that the beginning of this movie is just him sitting in front of a tree yelling at us for not like appreciating Christmas enough.

Well, this is what I always hated, honestly, about like I would go watch my mom sing in the choir on Christmas Eve and the entire mass is just the priest being like you guys aren't here the rest of the year who will we come at Christmas time

like shaming all of us that we don't come the rest of the year I'm like then why am I fucking here? Yeah I don't want to be here although I do pretend like I burn up every time I walk inside of a church my mom it's my mom's favorite bit oh she loves

the bit and I go oh oh oh oh oh too hot, too hot, too hot, too hot. And Henry and I always, like, inevitably, we'll get the look from our mother from, we are, Henry is 40 years old. We still get the look from our mother from the choir, giving us the, like, I can hear you laughing.

Because we are laughing, MJ. You know why? Usually we smoke weed in the parking lot before we go in. Do you guys still go? to church, like when you go home, you go to church for Christmas? If my mom's performing on Christmas Eve, we go. Of course. All right.

So, manger scene, manger scene. We are no longer in front of a Christmas tree. We appear to be in a manger. Is that Joseph? That must be Joseph, because that was Mary we just saw, right? She looks dirty. She looks poor. She looks poor.

She looks like she's going to have a baby in a hay. Maybe in a hay Why does that Joseph look so He looks like Rasputt Yeah Joseph looked very angry I like Joseph because he's so cool with the fact That she got pregnant by God

He's not jealous at all I think that's nice He never is in the Bible Well I don't know I everything I know about the story of Jesus I learn from the songs You know Yeah

And it seems like he was down He was like yeah Mary did you know Don't even bring up Mary did you know You know how I ate it, but I love it. Why is Joseph Rasputin? Like, it looks like he's about to come in and manipulate and fuck. Oh, God.

It's narrated. Oh, this is so hard because we have to listen to him telling us what we've done wrong. What's a bit too scary? Oh, God. Uh-huh. So they pretend like a world without villains exists? I think he's saying that we might. be watering down the Bible story is too much. See? Yes. That's what he's saying. It's too jolly.

It's so I'm glad. You know what? Thank God Kirk Cameron's. Thank God that Kirk Cameron is here. He's saying that Christmas has gotten too jolly. We've watered down. We've taken out all the brutal, all the brutality of God. Oh my God. Now we're back in the present and we're back to Christmas Holden McNeely? That doesn't look like Holden-McNeely. Oh my God. I wish he was here.

I wish he could hear me making fun of him. Oh, it's a Liberty University presents. What Liberty University is the fucking studio that made this? Also, I believe Skah is playing right now. It is Skaw. Was this made for you? This is a Christian Skye cover of a Silent Night. Wow.

there is a lot of Christians gone, unfortunately. They're doing like a silly cartoon version of the manger scene. Ooh. So we're into opening credits. This is, we've now had three different opening scenes to this movie. We're just, we have the Kirk Cameron lecturing us. We have this. Oh, it's still going.

Dark Joseph scene. And then we had Holda McGeeley coming in a Christmas sweater. And now we've got ska. And the movie still has any. even started yet. I need to know if it's five iron frenzy doing this music because there was a couple of ska bands who I really liked in high school that I learned were Christian and I couldn't bring myself to stop listening to them because I liked the music.

I liked yellow card too. I understand. Yeah, a couple of Christian rock songs really slap. This is how they get you. I know. This is how they bring you into the cult. And like three of my best friends were in a Christian rock band in high school. So I listened to a lot of Christian rock.

Oh, no. Were you at least like sleeping with one of them? No, man, I was just, I was just any live music in Dubuque, Iowa was exciting. I'm going to the Christian Rock Show. Oh, good for you, man. I say this, I also went to Christian Rock Show. I mean, that's just half the time I wouldn't even know. And then I'd get there and be like, wait a second.

Are they thinking about God right now? Right, right. Because sometimes it's just, it's just a banger. All right. Saving Christmas. I will say, spoiler. alert. It is in this room, but I don't think it's yet. There is a group dance scene at some point that we have watched on Jack and with the whole dance. Because people have paid for us to sit through having to watch this horrible scene. Okay. That's fun. I really thought for a minute there that the whole movie would be like set, would just be a reenactment of the nativity. So I'm actually pretty relieved to see that it looks like a contemporary Christmas movie. He just looks so fake. Yeah. She looks like he's made out of pleather.

You know what I mean? He does. And he looks, I think it's more like in his eyes, like he looks like a desperate man, you know? Yes. Yeah. With a crazed look in his face. Like a truly possessed, desperate man trying so hard to make everyone realize

that the rapture is coming. Also, why did they get, like, off-brand Candice Cameron Bray to play his sister? I know. Why didn't he just? she just have Candace Cameron Bray do. I know. She must have been busy doing a Hallmark Christmas movie. Got to be careful what the Ponsettas.

Aren't Ponsetta is, like, toxic to animals? Probably. I'm always afraid to bring flowers into the house because I think that they're all toxic to cats, even though they're not. Yeah, you have to find certain cat-friendly plants. Exactly. Okay, I totally don't know what him and his sister are fighting about.

We might have to shut the fuck up for a second to listen to what the central conceit of the film is. Oh, we have to like listen to what's going on about the show, yeah. They're at a Christmas party, that's all we know so far. Ew. Okay, so he's basically saying, like, we get to choose how we tell this story. And he's,

what he was saying when we were looking at scary Joseph was like, oh, the Bible stories are too scary, but we can make our own stories. There's Holden again. And then there's Holden McNeilie. Yeah. sad on the chair Oh, he doesn't like Christmas

Oh, okay, Holden doesn't like Christmas Maybe he does, because he doesn't believe Oh, that's, oh, he doesn't believe He's not into Christmas Oh my God, Holden, should we call him Schmolden instead? Is he Jewish? I don't know Okay, okay, now we're seeing with the inside

I'm just saying they're kind of, it seems like they're suggesting that this guy is like not a Gentile. All he sees are phony smiles and bratty kids. They're making him look like he is an evil man. The Holden-McNeely figure is sitting in the corner. Just because he doesn't like Christmas? I feel like they are suggesting that he is an actual monster. We're now seeing from his point of view and everything is green and kind of devilish. Yeah.

He doesn't like Christmas. Yeah, it's commercialism. Needless spending. Kirk Cameron, yes. But I guess, you know what I think they need to do? I think this is what this movie's about putting the Jesus back in the season. They got to put the Jesus back in the season. I want to punch this guy.

I just like that they keep showing the children as if they're evil. I think we're really meant to believe that this man Holden McNeely is evil. And his name is Christian. but I just can't help but feel like they're suggesting that he is not... Might be of a different, like different faith. Yes, exactly. And therefore, MJ... Evil.

Yes. You guys in your verses. What? What is this... What is happening? A joke about getting baptized twice. Oh, no. Okay, we're just doing bits right now.

Is this a work party or a family party? I thought it was a family party, but it seems like they are co-workers. This guy is a co-worker. Why is this scene still going? It's like I know that the movie's going to be problematic, but I don't think I was prepared for the ways in which it will be problematic. Oh, you mean like this current scene? I feel like it's racist.

It's like coded anti-Semitic, not explicitly either, but it's not good. It's not not doing it. It's pretty much. What is he? Is he sucking dicks? Oh, I thought he was doing dick-sucking motions into his face. Is this bro still talking about crazy shirt Fridays? The man whose name is Christian.

Should we call him Christian or should we call him Holden? I think we can call him Schmolden. Schmolden, okay. Yeah, he's fake Holden. We're supposed to really be having kind of an interiority experience with Schmolden who is thinking about how much he hates Christmas. Well, Holden as well as Schmolden feels, I think, similarly. Yeah.

Maybe this, maybe what we need to take from this movie is we need to bring the Jesus back for our Holden for Christmas. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I think Holden could, has room for Jesus in his heart. Yeah. I say we make him get Jesus. You need to get more Jesus. What if we come back to old thing after watching this movie and we sit down and we're like,

would you like to talk about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ? I bet he would. Uh-oh, I thought for half a second he was in the garage with the car on and the door shut. I was like, what? Is this dude about to do? Oh, my God. No, just Schmolden is just hiding in the car. Oh, my God.

Oh, no, he needs to put the Jesus in Schmolden. Schmolden is signing the car, but he's not trying to kill himself just yet. No, he's not trying to kill him, though. Kirk Cameron is haranguing this man. Let him be. I just feel like Kirk Cameron feels he himself is a savior, right? Oh, this is what we're watching here. Yes, he's casting himself as the Jesus character.

And Schmolden doesn't like Christmas, and again, I cannot help feel like they're suggesting he doesn't like Christmas because he's not a Christian. You're not a Christian? Despite his name being Christian. and that's allowed. You are allowed to not celebrate Christmas. All right. Now Shmolden is telling us how he feels. I just wish this were the monologue from Gremlins.

You know how she talks about how her dad died on Christmas Eve? And like they found him inside of the... Remember that part of Gremlin's where she gives that really intense monologue? Yes, Gideon made me watch Gremlins last year calling it a Christmas movie. And I was like, this is not a Christmas movie. Yeah, but it like, totally... Totally. It's pretty great. They've been shopping.

This guy is like, you got to cool out, bro. You need a zanny. Yeah, Schmolden is having like a deeply existential crisis right now. I look at the food. I look at the ham. I didn't even know we could get a ham that big. This guy, like usually, you know, I'm going to throw it out there. If this is the biggest problem this dude has, I think that he's doing all right. Yeah.

If he's worried about the capitalism of Christmas, like, yeah, bro, it's a capitalist holiday. It's fine. A lot of people feel that way. I don't know if you've noticed that. Yeah, it's totally fine. You know what? You don't have to buy the present. Totally. Also, a lot of people feel sad of Christmas, buddy. It's all right. Acting. Ken's Cameron Bray. Yeah. Really bad. Again, another scene that is way too long that could have just gotten, just like, just say, like, I'm having troubles, but Kirk Cameron needs everyone to know. that he listens to every problem. I just want to pop them. Like, I just want to, this cannot be what God wants. Oh, okay, he's talking about God. Maybe he is a Christian.

Yeah. Well, not that only Christians believe in God. So he's upset. But he's upset because it's not enough Jesus in there. I think that Holden should redo this movie shot for shot. Absolutely. But play this guy. especially like because Holden is the little boy that Christmas forgot you know what I mean yeah he is he's

sad boy Christmas he's sad boy Christmas too have you watched crampus yet uh no haven't seen crampus bro this year I think you need to watch crampus okay all right I could probably sell Gideon on that especially if I what I need you to know is that almost all of the horror effects are done practically. Like, it's all done with, like, puppets and, like, created creatures. That's cool. It's really cool. Oh.

Oh, okay. Kirk Cameron just said to Shmolden, you're all wrong. You're all wrong. You're out of order. My whole butt's out of order. It's all wrong. Oh, my God. I found a Roger Ebert review of the movie.

Oh, my God. I should do a dramatic reading of the entire review. You drank the Kool-Aid? I'm pretty sure you drank the Kool-A-K-K-Kamran, but that's just coming from and a sinner over here. Interesting. So Kirk Cameron's... He says it's all about Jesus and you're spoiling the whole thing.

So Kirk Cameron's point of view is that the commercialization of Christmas is not bad. It's good. No, it's a part of Christmas. Because it's all about Jesus. Interesting. That's an interesting take that I'd expect. I thought that Christians sometimes agreed that it had gotten to commercial because it wasn't about Jesus enough. That's what I thought the whole argument was.

But what he's saying is you can have your Jesus and your presence too. Uh-huh. All right. So the guy, the actor playing Schmolden also directed and co-wrote the film. So these are buddies, the buddies behind the geniuses right here. How does a Christmas party honor and glorify Jesus, MJ? All right, turns out Christian is a Christian. This scene is still going.

Every scene is very long. Wait till you get to the dance. you're going to be begging for it to end. And you love group dances. I love group dances and I love Christmas movies, even bad ones. Oh, now we're looking at a nativity scene. All right. All right, he's talking to us about the nativity.

You love the manger. Do you have a nativity set? Me? Yeah. No, but I love the story of the nativity. It's so, Gideon thinks it's so weird. He's like, I don't understand this. Why do you love the story of the birth of Jesus so much?

And I can't explain it. I think it's because I also sang in choirs when I was a kid. So I spent all December singing in churches and singing Christmas songs about Jesus. And I think that those Jesus Christmas songs are the real bangers. I like them better than the Santa ones. Yeah. A manger is a feeding trough. Oh, so they're just explaining.

Yeah, we all know that. Wait a second. The manges of rock? I don't understand. What is it? What is it, Dwayne of Rock Johnson? I don't think so. I wonder what Kirk Cameron would feel about my mom's Boyd's Bears version of the nativity scene.

It's huge. Tell me about your experience with nativity scenes. Really, it's a bear nativity scene. It's all bear. You ever Boyd's Bears? No. They were like these like, my mom was obsessed with these bears, and we had all these teddy bears. And one year she bought a whole nativity scene.

that is like full of like fully moving like jointed bears. Really? That's awesome. And Jesus Christ is also a bear. That's awesome. What are they showing in this right now? What is it happening? We are now suddenly seeing a bunch of slaughtering. He's telling us that.

Is that a different Mary? He's telling us that that's a different Mary. Yeah, I don't know who those people were at the beginning. I, yeah, he's telling us. I don't think he would be amazed. I'm pretty sure Joseph would have, um, gotten really pissed off. Yeah.

That's why I say he must have been cool because otherwise if he, I can't believe that he wasn't like, you sure you didn't cheat on me? Because I'm pretty sure you fucking cheat on me. And, uh... So he's telling us that the nativity scene is too sanitized.

Yes, because it's not in a stable. It's in a cave. They put the baby in a cave. Put the baby on a rock in a cave. Oh my God. It's covered in hay. What is a swaddling claw?

Kirk Cameron, get an editor, buddy. Who gives a? Okay, what Roger Ebert said is, saving Christmas is a little more than a screed, delivered by Kurt Cameron, scorning everyone who doesn't celebrate the season as ostentatiously as he does. Ha!

Justifying his attitude with bits and pieces gleaned from the Bible, delivered in the most self-righteous manner imaginable. Oh, Roger Ebert, you're good at what you did. But why are there so many holes in this cave? You're just like, I feel like I'm just at the Christmas Mass. Right, right. Everyone is familiar with the basics of the nativity scene. Oh, but this is like the creepy, you know, I feel like, I know, I'm from a culturally Catholic, you know, town and family.

And obviously there's a lot to say about Catholics, but I feel like they're not so much about like the murdering and the darkness. You know, I feel like that, the evangelical bit is when you bring in like all the slaughtering and stuff, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Like, he's over here just talking about killing babies.

Kirk, it's Christmas. Yeah, it's just like, I thought this was supposed to be a fun movie. But no, they want to remind you how somber. Yeah. You should be at Christmas. That's it. You got to feel bad. But like, didn't it, like, not happen then anyway?

Like, isn't that, like, the whole thing that they don't know what happened? Like, he wasn't, like, this is not. I think that's, yeah, yeah, I think that's, I think that's right. I got to admit I never saw the whole swaddly-gloth thing, so he's just straight up telling this dude in the car. There's still a little car. Ew, it looks like he's going to ruin the sanctity of his marriage right now. Yeah, they're going to kiss.

They're going to kiss. So wait, no, this whole movie can't just be him explaining this, the story of the nativity scene. I don't know, dude. They've been in the car for a while. We're at 27 minutes, and we have yet to have any plot. Nothing has happened. No, there's no plot. The plot is Christian doesn't like Christmas because it's not Christian enough.

And now they're back of the party. Oh, no. What are they going to do now? Is there going to be like a rap scene now? I really feel like something embarrassing and problematic is going to happen. What is this shot? Oh my God, something bad's about to happen. We're back at the party.

Two coworkers are talking. Three words. War on Christmas. War on Christmas. I really cannot believe how persecuted they feel. I know that this is the whole thing. wore on Christmas. He just said like the rapper Sugar Free just said. Oh my God. He is rapping. Oh, he is rapping out. You called he's rapping about how you can't say Merry Christmas

anymore. He's literally rapping about I have to say happy holidays. He's wrapping behind his coffee mug because there's outsiders. They're spying on him. What is happening? They're talking about chem trails? They're talking about chem trails. They're talking about Asperger's being laid up. Why are they covering their lips? Because there's outsiders spying on them, Jackie. The War on Christmas.

Oh my God. Coke Bothers, Halliburton. What is happening? Oh, no. Okay, so he's talking about the War on Christmas. As articulated by Fox News, what I can't tell is if we're supposed to like this or not like it.

You know, from the point of view of the movie. I think we're supposed to think it's silly. Yeah, I think we're supposed to have a laugh. We ain't having to laugh. There ain't no laugh in sight. Pray? You're going to pray? Kiss.

Kiss. I feel like they might kiss in the car, though, or we're back. They better kiss. Whoa, Christmas tree, not in the Bible. Yeah, good point, Christian. What is Kirk Cameron going to say about that? Oh, they're bringing up the pagan. But I love that the whole mission of this movie

should just be like, no, it's okay to like all the stupid things about Christmas. You're still a Christian if you like that, which is like, yes, fine, totally. I want to see how he talks his way out of this one. We're about to hear some more about slaughter and babies, I'll tell you that. See, they're bringing up the fact that Jesus wasn't born in December.

Yes. fertility, eternal life. This is all idolatry. Oh my God. Oh, how do your kids react? I'll bet they want presents, Kirk. Oh, my God, I bet they want commercialism. This is so weird that the thesis of the movie is that all of that stuff that seems not Christian,

like commercialism and paganism, that's all fine and good. Fine. Fine. Fine. Just don't change it. It's Christmas. People like it. But you have to remember about the sloth.

of the babies. But then, yeah, just every so often bring in the baby was born in a cave. Look it up. Where are Christmas trees in the Bible? I'm glad you asked, he says.

Oh my God. What, what, how many babies do you think are going to be killed in this story? I'm way too sober for this, Jackie. Keep drinking. I got to pull from the fireball.

Like, I think I need, this is rough. I think I need something. This is rough. I can't believe that I thought this might be an exploration of like non-Christian people's relationship with Christmas. It's just an exploration of two Christian men's relationship with Christmas.

Oh, now they're going to explore. Oh, God. The whole biblical story starts in a tree lot. Yeah, MJ, the Garden of Eden was full of trees. That's true. You want a fucking tree? Good point. Can't say there's no Christmas trees in the Bible if you talk about the garden of the end.

Damn. Yes. So it's not just the biblical story of Christmas. It's also other Bible stories. Why are all of these like flashbacks? Like they're all creepy. Yeah. They remember, did you, I remember when I was a kid at Christmas,

we always had to kind of like sneak TV in my grandparents' house because there was this idea that we should all just be spending time together. But of course, we were kids and we were like, can we place? watch TV. And so we would like sneak up to the attic and watch TV. And there was always like Christian reenactments of Christmas on at that time. And it was always shot like this, like shadowy, like actors from a distance reenacting the Bible. And that's what this is reminding me of, like 90s Christian videos that reenact the Bible. Yes. Yes. You know what I mean? Yes. Yes. I know exactly what we mean.

Okay, so that's God's idea. God's idea was to have a tree with shimmering with lights. Steal it back from the Druids. I can't believe that this is the thesis of this movie. That is, that's also, what are you talking about? Like, what are you talking about? What are you talking about, truly?

So it's good that we celebrate Christmas in the dark and the cold. We're proclaiming. Yes, that is, yes, that's right, right. It's like, oh, everything is cold and dying, but life is coming. Sure. It's just like, I feel like they're just like, they're quirkwashing the idea of the pagan holiday. Like, they're just literally like, no, those silly pagans. Yeah.

They didn't. No, this is actually God. But in like the most obvious way possible, like, oh, why you think Christmas is in the winter, it represents warmth and light in the darkness. Yeah. buddy have you ever heard a Christmas song before that's obviously what it's about you think you're smart just want to pop what would Jesus do pop them pop them now he put himself up on a tree making us right with God are they talking about the cross I think they're talking about the crucifix so because so he's down with Christmas trees because he was

Nails one. Man, this is testing my love of the Christmas story. Bring, uh-huh. They just love to talk about the gruesomeness of it. Jesus put to death on a tree. Adam stole the fruit from the tree. Yep. Keep going on.

This is a stretch, MJ. This is a stretch. I am not going with Kirk on down this merry lane of his. I cannot believe this movie. I don't know what I was expecting. I don't know what I was expecting. In fact, I knew that the dance section happened, so I thought it was a lot more about, like,

putting the Christ back in Christmas. Like, I thought it was going to be more jovial. The crucifix. She's looking at the crucifix and the Christmas tree farm. And the Christmas tree farm? The Christmas tree farm is now been replaced with a crucifix. Yes, and it's because he nailed himself to the cross, which is like a tree.

Yeah, he did it himself, yeah. Kind of like a tree. It used to be a tree. And so that's why, why aren't we putting up crucifixes with lights? When you see empty Christmas trees, see an empty cross. When you see an empty cross, you see the empty cloth lying in an empty tomb. Do what the disciples did, turn and run and tell the story that Jesus is alive. Wow.

MJ, next time you just happen upon a crucifix, just remember that you should go tell everybody that Jesus is alive. Yeah. Yeah, and that's what I'll think about too. When I look at my fiber optic rotating Christmas tree that I put up over a year. Oh, it rotates.

Oh, yeah, it rotates. Because the cross rotated, Jackie. He put himself on a cross and made it slowly spin around. See, da-da-da-da-da-da. Christmas trees. That's all he had to say. He's saying rocking around the Christmas shape.

Except he's not. He's just hanging around the Christmas tree. Go on. Oh. Oh, what about Santa Claus in the Bible? Yeah, where is Santa Claus? Good point. This is...

This is the worst. The worst. This is bad. This is really bad. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, where are the reindeer? He's just like dropping like... Do you think that you think that Kirk Cameron and Schmolden

in like, in everyday life, like as they put this movie together? Do you think they just like talk about the Bible? Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's actually, I think the most honest thing about this movie is that I actually do think that people who are very religious do just spend a lot of time just talking about the Bible. Yeah, maybe I'm just, I've just not been around that in many, many years.

Well, and again, I don't, I didn't grow up going to church, but like from the cultural Catholicism that I absorbed, like Catholics don't really spend a lot of time sitting around talking about the Bible. It's more just like, oh, this is something we do. We go to church. It is like our, it's like part of our life. But like, I think that. Santa Satan.

Sorry. just are trying to compare the fact that if you change around the letters to Santa, that it also is Satan. Satan? This is like a church lady joke. Satan? Satan? But like I feel like it is, again, an evangelical thing to be like our entire life, all of our conversations, we sit around the table, we bring up the Bible verses, right? I'm totally talking out of my ass here because I don't have any familiarity with that type of Christianity, but surely our listeners must. And I would love to hear from you guys if you want to email us about like, I think that there are some Christians who sit around and talk about the Bible verses and quote the Bible verses back and forth. I'm sure. I'm sure there are. And that's how they socialize, right? Shmolden is the worst thing I've ever seen on a screen. Yeah, his character is, I really thought at the beginning they were going to do something interesting with him.

Like, oh, he hates Christmas. I can't believe he hates Christmas because it's not Christian enough. And yeah, he has the charisma of a fucking cardboard. He thinks he's so funny. Yeah. He thinks he's just the comedic relief. Yeah. Oh, he's the comedic relief.

Oh my God. They just cut to Santa as if it was like a kind of terrifying devil vision. Oh. Why do they keep playing this horrible sound? It's like, it's like meant to simulate like a horrible nightmare. Why did people want us to watch this, you guys? Why do? Why?

We are. Go back to the party. Two godless people who respect others, right to believe what they believe, watching this movie, trying to figure out what the fuck to make of it. I also, I dare say that a lot of people that told us to watch this movie have also, which I understand, never seen it themselves. Because this movie is on every list of like worst Christmas movie. Like it is like at the top of like every like I know that this is known to be. The worst Christmas movie. Yeah, I mean, they're all right.

Let me show you how a real defender of the faith does it. Show me. I can't believe that the structure of the movie is going through all of the parts of non-Christ Christmas. We've done Christmas trees. We've done Santa. I don't remember where we started. And he's flipping them all into Christian. Yes.

And he's just literally going through every aspect of commercial. Christmas and being like, no, it's good. It's Christian too. That's the movie. Santa's Christian. Oh, no, it's creepy Joseph. They were back to creepy Joseph. Christmas trees are Christian.

Nativity scene, weirdly, their critique was not Christian enough. Oh yeah, okay, so now we're back to the opening scene with terrifying Joseph. Doesn't this guy look like Jake Gyllenhaal though? Joseph looks a bit like Jake Gyllenhaal. I could see it. I could see it. Oh, it's not Joseph, it's Nicholas.

He was a devout Christian. Nicholas is about to fuck some people up. I'm pretty sure it's Resputin, though. I'm pretty sure that he's going to infiltrate some sort of family. Maybe he's got, like, you know, what do they say about Resputin? Doesn't he have, like, three dicks or something? I don't know a lot about Rasputin. A lot of tall tales about Rasputin.

I guess you can go ahead and listen to the last podcast. episode on Rasputin. I think there were multiple. I just remember at the time Jeff and I just started dating when last podcast put out the Rasputin episodes.

And so I was trying to learn about Rasputin to like impress Jeff. I don't remember anything though because you know what? Got him. Already did it. Don't need to impress him anymore.

Don't need to impress. I just let it all go. That's not true. Oh God, this Nicholas guy, he's going to be St. Nicholas, Jackie. Oh, it's St. Nicholas. He's generous. He likes to give things to people. And he was against enemies of the faith.

Yep. And that's why you have to believe in Santa. If you don't, he'll kill you with his shepherd stick. It looks like he's going to shove that shepherd stick up your ass until it comes out of your mouth. And this is not the vibe of the Christmas movie that I thought we were about to watch. It's just very angry. That's the thing that is strange to me about the, you know, again, I love the idea of the Christmas story. And why are they yelling at us?

They're like, kill everyone. St. Nicholas is about to fuck some shit up. Because he's, he's about to kill these people. Yeah. St. Nick is about to. fucking kill these people with his stick. Whoa. Or is he going to give them something?

A kiss. I just want them, I need more kissing. Oh, in the beginning is the word. He's spreading the good word. He's not killing after all. Oh, Jesus Christ. The word was God. Why doesn't he have real clothes on,

but everyone else has real clothes on? Oh, my God. Smiting him on the cheek? How do you smite, somebody on the cheek. Whoa, he is beating the shit out of him. He's fucking beat the shit out of this dude. Wow. Beat him up. Saint Nicholas. And the music. He's fucking him up. I guess you're allowed to beat the shit out of heretics. If you, I guess. Uh-huh. Saint. Nicholas. Wait, why was he sainted? Because he beat the shit out of some dude. Everybody loved him because he was generous and he gave what he had to other people. And then he killed people. And then he killed people. who didn't agree with him. But at the same time,

you're going to go ahead and kill somebody just. No, he said he didn't stay quiet for the sake of being politically correct. Finish your drink. Oh, God. Finish your drink. Finish your drink.

St. Nicholas wasn't politically correct, Jackie. Whoa. He was too busy killing people for thinking something different than he thinks. Yeah, this fucking great dude over here. Uh-oh. No, this girl is yelling at him.

Oh, this is so weird. This is really weird. Get it out of your system? Want to beat this shit out of me too? Mrs. Claus. This bitch who's yelling at him? Oh, my God, he's about to get on a sleigh, Jackie. Yeah, I'm going to get on a sleigh.

He's about to get on a sleigh. Yeah. You guys, right after I get my sleigh on, I'm killing all these bastards. The man who is playing, quote, unquote, St. Nicholas right now. He's covered in dirt. He just killed a man. But he just said, let's go bless some kids tonight. And he just said, ho, ho, ho.

Wow. It was so creepy. I am astonished at this movie. Oh my God. Do they think that this is nice? He's the defender of the faith. That's why we liked him because he beat the shit out of Arias, the heretic. Jesus.

And then he went and made some kids days. Schmolden looks like. He's really looking about this. He's got blood on his hands still. Yeah, because he was so dirty. He was so dirty. He was covered in guts. Covered in dirt.

Schmolden is really having a time, though. He's like, oh, my God, Kirk Cameron, you're right. Santa is the man. Santa is the man. That's what you chose to say. Oh, God. Jackie, I'm just so tired. Santa is the man.

I can't. believe this is happening to us kill and you know what I'm always saying that about Christmas I'm like always kill the people that don't agree with you yeah like that's like if they don't agree with you at all yeah kill them yeah that's how you get sainted that's what we call generosity you know yes you kill give out a couple presents yep kill anybody that doesn't agree with you you're fine yep yeah yeah wow I am I am stunned I'm stunned I'm stunned Is it raining? Why is it crackling like this?

Yeah, it's raining. They're just trapped in this car waiting to kiss, and it is raining outside. And it is a very special moment. Or maybe the snow turns into rain. That's the oldling sign. Maybe you think at some point the rain is going to turn into snow.

Ah, you're right. Fuck, you're right. I can't believe they rapped before when I said that they were going to rap. the only people of color. I can't believe they're up. I can't believe that they did it. The two highlights right now are the fact that they wrapped when you said are they going to wrap

and the fact that they just said St. Nicholas didn't care about political correctness. I am dead. Ooh, eggnog shot. All right. I'll take a shot. All right. Okay. Bringing up dog shots. If Schmolden's taking an egg knock shot, then we are too.

I'm taking a shot. And yes, I am again, sucking it right out of the gallon jug of fireball. She is, I can confirm. She got to handle a fireball like a fucking 16-year-old. Fuck yeah, man. You know what Holden and I do on Fridays, you know, the amount of fireball we consume. I know. I need to bring more fireball into my life.

Gideon's always like, let's drink a nice whiskey, and I'm like, no. Bro, make spooky mistakes. Yeah, spooky mistake. As a reminder for everyone, spooky mistakes is made up of Orange La Croy, Lecois, Lecois, Lecroix, and Apple, Cider, and Fireball. And it's a spooky mistake because you don't taste the Fireball. Yeah, I had them last Halloween season. I can't believe I made it all the way through spooky season with no spooky mistakes this year.

No spooky mistakes. I didn't make any spooky mistakes either. That's because we didn't do our scream watch along this year. You're right. maybe we can have spooky mistakes while we watch them up at Christmas's kill. It's seasonally inappropriate. There are ghosts.

There are ghosts. There are ghosts. You're right. I cannot believe this is happening to us. Why does he keep saying I'm going to be that guy? I don't know. Yeah, I know I lost it. He said, I'm going to be that guy. He's going to go do something.

Christian's about to go do something bad. Is he going to kill someone? I'm going to be that guy. Yeah, maybe he's going to kill someone because they don't believe. They don't agree with him. Why is he? He's not. You're not funny!

He's not funny. You're not funny! I cannot believe that... I just can't believe anything about this. Oh, there he is. Okay, he's bursting through the door. Man, he's got such a fat neck. He is schmolden.

Smolden. He really does look a lot like Holden in this shot. Oh, he's sniffing. What is he sniffing? Oh, he's sniffing the glory of Christmas. He's sniffing the glory of Christmas. What is going on? We still got 25 minutes left.

Is this the climax of the movie? I have no idea, MJ. Is the last 25 minutes just them reading us Bible verses? Okay. Why is he such a creep? All right. All right. So those of you keeping track at home, they just spent an hour in the car,

talking about why all the non-Christian things are actually Christian. And now Schmolden is running into the Christmas party. Ew. So enthusiastic about Christmas. He's acting like it's a flip and slide. Why would you throw yourself on the floor? Can you imagine how much that would hurt on marble flooring? He is dead if he did that.

He smashed his face into the floor. But he's like, it's like supposed to be funny. He's sliding at the Christmas tree. He's like, I love Christmas now. I'm not a hater anymore. Can I get an aim? Okay, Jackie, something tells me that the dance number is happening soon. Is it going to be a 25-minute dance number?

It's a lot longer than you think it is. Get off the floor, you creeper. Everything that's happening right now is just so upsetting. Oh, he's got a new perspective because he's face down on the floor. Because he's on the floor. And he's just smiling at him. Oh, my God, they're both a bunch of creeps. The presence looked like a city skyline of the new Jerusalem.

A heavenly city whose builder was God. Good Lord. Sweet Jesus. save us from this movie. Is it a tree? It's a tree! None of the music in this movie makes sense. Yeah, no, the music is rough. Well, you know, I'm sure that whoever they hired was like, you want us to do what? No, I'm not doing it. I don't have to fucking deal on that. No, hell no. Yeah, I'll turn it in, but you'll look.

I'll make it. I will do it because you're going to pay me. This movie did have a half a million dollar budget. this movie had a half a million dollar budget. You know what would have been very Christian of them to use that money and give it to people who needed food? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What if they spread lies about Christianity instead? Well, Jackie, it's not lies. It's just understanding that everything about Christmas is Christian. Everything.

Everything. This is doing what God. God does. He's always been giving gifts to his children at the base of trees. Wait a second. Everybody says that. Wait a second. God has always been giving gifts to his children to the base of trees.

Gives at the base of trees? Yes, that's why it's Christian, Jackie. Oh my God. I am still too sober for this movie. I can't believe this is happening. I'm finally catching up. I've got the flush of fireball about me. All right.

I'm, I got a draft. You need to down it a little bit faster. I'm about to ruin my day tomorrow just to make the next 20 minutes more bearable. Yeah, I think it's worth it. Unbelievable. Now there's just a montage. This doesn't make any fucking sense. This makes no sense.

Dude, this guy's looking more and more like Holden by the minute, though. Yeah, he really is. Holden's going to be really upset that he feels right. He is going to be really upset. Because he's a bad man. And we're like, we made fun of you the entire time Holden. We called him Schmolden because this idiot looked just like you. This idiot who everyone hated.

Why is the front door still open? It's just come inside. Close the door. This bitch looks drunk. I think his sister looks drunk. I'm sorry to be petty, but couldn't they have gotten a different actor than this woman? All she does is scowl. she's not the best person that could be in this.

She's not the best on camera person. Let's just say that. No, she's scowling. Could they not get a hair person? She looks like she's in a John and Kate plus eight situation. I guess it was 2014. Yeah. She looks like a pit bull that was cursed into being turned into a woman.

No, but you know, you see Jackie, that is the spirit of Christmas. Making fun of people is the spirit of Christmas because did God make fun of people in the Garden of Eden? Yes. Nail them to a Christmas tree. That's what I always say. I say, where is the Jesus Christ crucified against my Christmas tree? Yep, yep. Always.

Every time I see a tree, I think of a man being nailed to a cross. Man, bleeding to death slowly. I just am always thinking about that. Maybe you can tell your kids about this. No, I want them to know that. I want them to know that a man died for them. And I want them to feel bad about it every second of every day. Yeah.

Born in sin. Do they know that they were born in sin? Have you told them yet? I mean, we were married, but they're just born and sin because everyone's born. But they have original sin. Yeah, they have original sin. And I'm assuming, I mean, I can't, you don't need to say whether you have or not, but I'm going to assume that your children are not baptized,

which means they're going to hell. They are not a baptized. And I think it's good to teach children that and be like, because you were bad coming out of me.

You were originally evil. And we didn't wash you. So hopefully, if you believe in hell, that's where you're going. Not only are they not baptized. I almost converted while I was pregnant with Freddie,

but I didn't have enough time. It's quite a process. Oh, don't even. I was going to convert to Judaism when I was 14. and it was such a process. Like I started the process. It's cool.

It's like you have to take like a, like a mini master's degree. Yeah. Yeah, I like how serious it is. You have to like study with a rabbi. Yeah. Like it's a whole thing. Yeah.

Um, I, I like that it's difficult. Yeah. Yeah. You know, you should think about these things. Ew. Is this a seductive look from Schmolden?

They're about to fuck. But that's what Jesus did. Eternal. life. Look at the size of their wine cooler. I know, these people are so rich. They're so rich.

That's not what Jesus would do. Yeah, and so you're so upset about capitalism. Meanwhile, like, look at the size of your fucking kitchen, bro. Yeah, right. Why is Schmolden worried about capitalism? He's got five refrigerators lined up next to each other. He has five refrigerators. He just slaps her across the face.

Also, I'm sorry, I'm not down for violence. I know I've been talking about violence a lot. you know, I don't advocate violence. Is she 20 years older than him? I'm sorry to keep harping. Yes, yes. It is very, it's drastic. And, you know, good for them.

Good for them. You know, they made it work regardless. We love a big age again. Even though, yeah, she doesn't have eyebrows, but like she is making it work, designers. Yeah. Don't let anybody tell you you can't be on camera. Yeah, man.

Oh, I can't. If you were writing the story right now, what would you want to have happened? They're doing like a Zach Morris thing where he freezes everyone and looks at the camera. I can't believe that this man is the protagonist of the film. It's not even Kirk Cameron. Uh-oh, here we go, Jackie. Here it is.

The one black man in the movie is now DJing. Yep. I just need everyone to know how uncomfortable the race politics of this movie are. Very uncomfortable. It's really rough. I just need everyone to know. You wait for how. uncomfortable it's about to get.

Oh my god, Jackie, you're familiar. Okay. I have seen this scene at least five times. And every time you beg for it to end, it continues. Oh, but Jackie, this is like my favorite type of Christmas music. Am I about to like it? MJ, how dare you say? You like this?

No, I don't like remixes. You like this Christmas music? I love Angels. We have heard. on high, but I don't like a remix. Sure. You should listen to the, it's a cow Christmas version of it. Okay.

Moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo. Why is everyone break dancing? No, because they only got the dancers to do it, MJ. Look at how good they are. Can't you see? Can't you tell the difference? This dancing. It looks like they were all given two fireball shots and told to get out on the floor.

Could they not afford dancers? Maybe these are dancers. They spent all the money on the Christmas decorations. Well, someone had to choreograph this fucking revelry, MJ. This version of this song makes me die on the inside. Makes you die on the cross. But that is the worst thing I'll ever say on page seven. I don't mind this version.

of this song. That is the worst thing you've ever said to me. I'm offended. I'm awful. I'm upset. I'm more upset than Santa being politically correct. You know, I'm more upset that you like this song. I'm upset with myself right now.

This is. I like the remix of Angels we have heard on high. I like it. But how do you feel about their warm dancing? The dancing is bad. The dancing is bad. Listen, I say this to someone who can't dance Still going.

Oh, it's very much still going. Yeah, it's still going. Why is this guy beatboxing? I need to understand what the story with this actor is. Oh, here comes Schmolden. Now it makes a lot more sense because I've seen this part before,

but I didn't understand why everyone was cheering on this white man breakdance. It's just exclusively. white people break dancing except for one black man who is just comically beatboxing. Yeah, peat boxing. All right.

And now this lady who is his wife is coming in. What can I say? So do you think that this is what her audition was? They brought her in. They're like, dance for me. Dance for me. Because there is no reason for this to go on for this long.

This is like if a move, if like, if like 10 high schoolers had made this movie, I would be like, good job, you guys. Yes. Yeah, if it was a high school movie,

I'd say, you guys did a very, what an interesting take. Yeah, even taking all the Christian politics aside, like this scene, if it was made, I'm going to lower the age.

If it was made by 10 year olds, I'd be like, this is really good. But that's where it stops. Yeah, and the 10 year olds were like directing you and choreographing you. Like then I'd be like,

Wow. You guys did such a great job. And I say this as someone who used to do like school plays with 10 year olds. They can dance much better than this. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just dancing. Oh my God. It's just slow motion white people break dancing. Because Kirk Cameron learned how to do the worm and he knew we had to do it slow motion. But I'm sorry if you drop a beat to. Angels we have heard on hi, Jackie. Have you considered thinking it's good? I just think that maybe this song, like, did they extend it out? Is it the 10-minute version of the song?

It's very long. They literally have a black family there, and they are standing in the corner. Yes, not dancing. Kirk Cameron, you used to be an actor. Did you forget how to be charismatic? Why are they screaming like this? Like, I just don't understand what happened to him. How do you go from being somebody who spent years of your life on camera to being somebody who acts like you've never been in front of a camera before?

And then there's just this guy. Ew, why is he licking on himself? I thought it would be the end. No, we still have 12 minutes. We still have, I don't even know how, like what happened in this? We learned that Christmas trees, Santa Claus. Santa Claus and I forget the first thing are all Christian. Commercialism.

Presents. Taking another fireball shot. That's the most disgusting looking turkey I've ever fucking seen. Yeah, that turkey looks raw. Yeah, I'm getting drunk, everybody. I am literally punishing myself for tomorrow, just for tonight. And that's what Jesus would want. Don't miss it.

Yeah, pass along the joy this season, which is not what happens in this movie. Don't worry about materialism during Christmas. Don't max out your credit cards. But remember, this is a celebration of the eternal God taking on a material body. So it's right that our holiday is marked with material thing? That's the thesis of the movie. That's the thesis of this movie?

It's right that this is a material holiday because it's about an eternal God taking a material body. That is, wow. A stretch, bro. What a stretch. cranberry sauce at Christmas. What do you think about that, Jackie? Into it. I'm down.

Yeah. I don't personally fuck with Thanksgiving dinner for Christmas, but I understand people that do. I know a lot of people do the same stuff. I don't think there's nothing wrong with that. Yeah. Yeah, we don't do turkey or anything. We always do like a lasagna or something. Well, we do the Feast of Seven Fishes.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah, we do Feast of Seven Fish is on Christmas Eve. Oh, okay. But then Christmas Day. We usually do like lamb and then we also make a vegetarian lasagna. So are you going to do the Feast of the Seven Fishes on your own? Fuck yeah. Hell yeah.

Yeah, man. We're going crazy. Our hope. Our future, our savior. He's finally seeing that capitalism is God's territory. This is literally a movie about why capitalism is what Jesus wanted. I can't believe this. I really thought it was the whole thing was going to be.

Jesus is the reason for the season. Which I guess it is, but like, hot cake. But Jesus is the reason for the season in a way that everything else you're doing is fine. Which is like, honestly, it's, like, I've never been like a, oh, don't, I mean, I'm not Christian, so like, but I don't.

Whoa, it's done. It's done. It's done. But like, yeah, whatever. If you like Santa and buying presents and Christmas trees and you're also into the nativity stuff, like, that's fine. I've never understood why that's a conflict. So if that's the idea of this movie, then okay, sure.

Like, that's fine. But it's very strange that he's like, this is literally what Jesus wanted. Like literally, Jesus wants you to spend money. He wants you to put out a Christmas tree because he was nailed out on the cross. Because he was nailed to a cross? And he wants you to have Santa Claus because St. Nicholas killed the heretics. Oh, my God. Oh, good.

Are these blue birds? Oh, yes, we got bloopers. Oh, thank God. Oh, nothing like watching a bunch of uncharismatic people make line mistakes. Although, that's a pretty good response. How you've been? You know me, blessed and highly favored. I'm worried about how problematic this movie is.

I'm worried about DeAndre, honestly. Remember how long this scene was? Very long. You want more of the scene? MJ. Don't worry, we're getting it. We're getting the worst parts of the scene. What I want to watch now is an hour and 20 minute talk back with all the actors in the movie

that aren't Kirk Cameron and Schmolden, and I want to hear how they feel about having been in the movie. I'd love to hear about how their lives have changed for the better since premiering in saving Christmas. But I got to say, D'Andre's outfit is good, and I would wear it. And I basically do wear it. I got a cardigan, and I got a tie just like. that. But like this guy is not funny at all. No, no, no. No. And he is being made to do some really

uncomfortable diversity inclusion stuff right now. I have to stop the movie. I can't. Wait, did they only include the one blooper with D'Andre? Yeah. Is that, okay, no, there's some dancing bloopers. You know that this was shot in like May and everyone's pissed off. I hope everyone's upset. What do you do for dry mouth in between scenes? Oh, water? Whoa, water?

What happened to the ranch? Wow, really, watching the worst people on earth do bloopers is like a special type of Hell. Hell. This is hell. Yeah, this is a hell that. This is the hell that God warned us about. Is this where I'm going to be sent?

This is where Kirk Cameron wants us to go. Because you like women, Jackie. Put me away. Put me in a grave. I will never be accepted by you, Kirk Cameron. Oh, God, I can't watch him throwing himself on the fucking floor because that is just... But you know what? You know that he still has back problems.

Oh, there's a fucking outro. Oh, okay. give us an out- or is it going to be a it's just another blooper oh my god i can't have these people laughing like they're funny i just can't do it okay i think it's over now i'm glad that we finally did this because i feel like i've been threatened with watching this movie many times you know and look at this credit scene that you just paused on everyone's in the same family and whoa they're all in the same family they just hired like kirk cameron schmolden who is the also co-director and writer of the movie,

and then three families to be in the movie. That's it. That's it. Then where did the half a million dollars go, MJ? I mean, I think that it went to the Christmas decorations. It must have that or like the insane music that played the entire time. Yeah. And like, you know, all of the biblical reenactments. Do you feel like you're in the Christmas season?

And now, do you feel like you've been blessed? I don't know how to feel. Do you feel blessed, MJ? I mean, I do feel blessed. Not by this movie, but in light. No, but you feel hashtag blessed. You don't feel blessed by this movie, though. Yes, I feel hashtag in general blessed.

But I don't feel blessed by the movie. I feel cursed by the movie. I think we've been cursed. I think that we have been cursed. I think we got the Christmas curse. Yeah, and now we've just passed it along to all of you guys. We've got one month to get out of the Christmas curse before Christmas comes. This is the beginning of our own Hallmark movie.

How do Jackie and MJ escape the Christmas curse? I think it's we have to buy presents, and I think that we have to go against the sanctity of the Lord Jesus Christ. Yeah, I think we have to sin. I think we sin our way out of the curse. We're sitting for Christmas. Honestly, sit in for Christmas sounds like a movie

I actually would love to see. It is a great porn, and I will watch the hell out of it because I am sinning for Christmas. Missed. Thank you guys so much for... I don't know if I should thank you guys. I'm sorry. I think we should apologize to you. Yeah, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for anything I said, for everything that just happened. I'm sorry, we did this to you. I don't stand by anything. We encourage you to watch it. We're not happy ourselves. I know also that there's probably people out there who like really do have a relationship with like the Bible and God and they're probably just like, oh my God. It's not like this.

We don't take any of my jokes against the movie against you. Of course. We love you. Everyone should feel how you fucking feel, dude. Everyone has their own relationship with their faith. But, like, again, you know, you go Catholic school. You're just like, I just, aye, aye, with the math. Oh, my God, with all this bullshit.

Thank you guys, though. And I hope that you had a beautiful Thanksgiving. And I hope that you feel welcomed into the holiday season. And Lord knows what kind of horrific movie we're going to watch over the, Christmas week, but I'm excited for our future. MJ, are you excited? I'm cursed. So I have to be excited for the future because I have to get out of the curse.

We got to get out of the curse. Can someone help us get out of this curse? We're sitting for Christmas. We're sitting for Christmas. We are sitting for Christmas. And I hope that you guys join us. Have a great week. We'll be back next week.

and in real time, and I am excited for it. And then we have to start planning for whenever we're going to watch Buppet Christmas Carol, as well as whatever, like I said, horrific holiday movie we're going to watch for the Christmas week. Yeah, because last year it was Lindsay Lohan. Oh, yeah. So get in your suggestions to page 7 podcast at gmail.com. Page 7 podcast at gmail.com. That would be awesome because I trust you guys.

I mean, you're sending us down the right path. I mean, I know I shit on everyone who suggested this movie before, but obviously it was the right suggestion. Oh, it was the right choice. I'm glad we finally did it. Now I know the truth about the Lord. So there's that. Yes.

And we know that commercialism is Christianity. Yes. Capitalism loves Christianity. Yes. Thank you guys so much. And actually, we're going to have a couple shoutouts this week. So, MJ, if you wouldn't mind, will you sing the song with me? I sure will.

All right. Shout, shout, let it all out. These are the e-mails that you wrote it about. Come on. We've got to read them to you. Come on. It's in the singing of a street corner choir. It's going home and getting warm by the fire.

It's true wherever you find love. It feels like Christmas. Woo, doggie, doggy dog. Now that we have made it through that absolute monstrosity of a movie, it's time for our Thanksgiving Day shoutouts. And you can send in your shoutouts. I mean, you can make them post Thanksgiving Day shoutouts if you want. Page 7 Podcast at gmail.com.

And I just want to say thank you so much to everybody that takes the time to write in. I love, oh, I just love hearing your up. upset about Chris Pratt as Garfield. I just love, there's so, I love pictures of your pets. I love just forever all your high hellos. So thank you guys so much for sending your emails to page seven podcast at gmail.com. And now we must begin the shout out. And I just literally got in an email about Emmett Otter's jug band Christmas from Charlotte. And I just want to say to Charlie Redstick, thank you so much because I fucking love Emmett. Otter's Jug Band Christmas and it fills and it's narrated by

Garbert the Frog and I love that it's the only Christmas movie that exists to you and I'm right there with well I mean you know I'm also you know a Muppet head as well I also got a recommendation from something that I haven't seen before which I'm surprised called the Muppet Family Christmas from Nicole I just want to say thank you so much it is on YouTube you even included the link and I want to say thank you because I'm going to watch the hell out of this. And yes, and happy Thanksgiving to you as well. All right.

Now I'm going on to our shoutouts. Thank you guys so much again. Page 7 Podcast at gmail.com. First up, I want to say thank you to Kate for sharing your story about being saved by the Pittsburgh Action Against Rape. Last week, we had a shoutout from someone named Jess who was shouting on her sister Lizzie who works at the Pittsburgh Action Against Rape. And I just want to say that Katie was so touched.

by you and everyone that works at this organization that they still donate every year because they were absolutely saved by your work. And I just, uh, thank you so much, Katie for sharing. And Katie does go on to say, now for why I originally wanted to send a self-shout, I am really proud of myself right now because I just gave birth to my first baby three weeks ago. Congratulations! My daughter, Layla, is absolutely perfect, and I'm so thankful to be her mama. pregnancy was incredibly challenging for me. I had horrible perinatal depression and felt physically and mentally horrible the entire time.

I was really worried about postpartum depression as well, but have been really conscientious about taking my antidepressants, getting out of the house when I can, and asking for help and support from my husband, my family, and friends. Good for you! It's only been three weeks, but I feel better than I have in nine months. I'm also in the middle of getting my doctorate to become a nurse practitioner. I decided to push through the program throughout pregnancy and took my pharmacology midterm a week after giving birth and aced it. I'm so proud of myself for getting through this pregnancy, giving birth to a whole person, prioritizing my mental health,

and getting A's in all of my courses. I truly feel like I'm thriving as I head into this next chapter of my life. Thank you guys and everyone from Last Podcast Network for being a part of my weekly routine. I look forward to listening to page 7 every Thursday and love to laugh along with you guys your friendship reminds me of my friends from back home and listening never fails to put me in a good mood. Thank you so much, Katie. Thank you so much for sharing. And congratulations.

Oh my God, that's unbelievable. You deserve that self-shout. And I'm so happy for you. Now, next up, we've got Debbie. Debbie says, my name is Debbie, and I suffer from schizoaffective disorder. I know that's a lot to start with. I have been potentially waiting for my meds to refill. and I have to say that the weeks I missed

helped me a lot. Listening to your podcast makes me feel seen, makes me laugh and feel good, and makes me feel related to whether or not you feel the same spectrum that I feel. I am erratic and out of pocket often and feel embarrassed later of my excitement. The whole cast makes me feel like I can be my whole self

without feeling any insecure way. Everyone is so authentic to who they are with zero apology and I am very inspired by that. And I'm inspired by you, Debbie. Thank you so much for taking this. time to write in for us. I'm sending you so much love. And hell yeah, be yourself. It's the only self we've got, babe. And last but not least, a huge shoutout goes out to Bell. Bell says, I am writing in to give myself a huge self-shout and an enormous thank you. I can proudly say

that after a decade of heavy tobacco use, I have been completely nicotine-free for over a month. Congratulations! Bell says I read the Allen Cars easy way after hearing both Jackie and Holden mentioned it several times, and it is still unbelievable to me how easy it was. I spent years trying to quit and would inevitably end up either vaping or using another form of NRT, and I tried almost every option. I started the book feeling hopeful, but after having tried to quit nearly every other way and inevitably falling back into the throes of my addiction, I was definitely skeptical. Now that I've read the book and I'm a proud non-smoker. Sometimes I get mad about how easy the easy way actually was. I would have likely

never found out about this book if it weren't for this podcast, and I likely would never have picked the book up if all three of you weren't so supportive without passing judgment. It feels so good to finally be free. And after conquering the fear of letting go of my addiction, I feel unstoppable. I also wanted to thank you all for doing what you do. In a world that can be so unpredictable and wild at times. Having the pod to listen to every week really helps me get through. Thank you for being your authentic and unapologetic selves. Also, Jackie, I am reading again for the first time in years. Thanks to the Akitar Deep Dives. So thanks for that two. You're so welcome, Bell. Also wanted to send a late shout out to you all, Jake included, because the release, the Bottle Cut tour was one of

the best nights of my year. I love you so much, Bell, and thank you so much for sending in that shout out towards us and for yourself. Hell yes, I know it's not always the right time to quit smoking and you have to be easier on yourself because it's so easy to be hard on yourself, especially for tobacco use. But when you're ready and you read that book, I'm telling you, and I think it's because I read it when I was ready. It's not, you know, it's one of those things where people say, oh, it's easy for you to say you've already done it. But I've been through it. And it is difficult. But man, once you decide to do it, you fucking got this shit. And Belle, you got this shit.

Thank you guys so much. Oh, my God. Happy Thanksgiving. Hug yourself. Hug the ones you love. Send a little bit of good energy out there. A little bit of better energy than you usually do. Because it's time.

Oh, my God. The rest of the holidays are rolling through. And we got to be there for each other. I love you guys so much. Happy Thanksgiving. This show is made possible. by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors. You can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.