Page 7 - The Devil's Advocate Boy w/ Jake Young

Episode Date: June 4, 2026

This week on Page 7, MJ's back from the bowels of the hospital, and Jackie's still callin' them MASTER J, and happy pride month to one and all! There's a lotta discourse online about Olivia Rodrigo wearin' babydoll dresses and Holden has some feels 'bout that which lead to P7's first Sexual Humiliation Ritual via livestream last Friday (Check an upcomin' WTB? for more on THAT), and Lizzo's moved on from bananas to Chili's Baby Back Ribs! Savannah Guthrie's torture continues as she's subjected to Goop's cooking segment, and Jenny Mollen let the world know she's hotter than a 12 year old her son is friends with in a series of posts sure to keep her sons in therapy for life. Followed by our LIST of "Actors Who Ended Up In The Hospital Because Of a Movie Or TV Role"!?!?!?! And BLINDZ ARE BACK BABY! And it's a 50% ANGLE, 50% DEBIL Jackie's Snackies starting @ 1:09:13.698 with an MJ's Minute Munchies @ 1:20:43.407, And a thirst slaying Jakey's Slakey's @ 1:24:13.554 until 1:30:49.644, PLUS SO MUCH MOOOOOORE!!!! Want even more Page 7? Support us on Patreon! Patreon.com/Page7Podcast Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

singing the part of the song that we all have the stem from from Tommy boy. Don't you remember you told me you love me baby? You said you be coming back again this week, baby, baby, baby, baby. And you have to do the scream at it. I started singing the song when I was in the car with Henry the other day, and we both did the entire portion of it, including the screaming, and it was great because we were on a professional call. Here's the thing. When you're on a professional call with Henry and Jackie, sometimes

you're going to get a Tommy boy reference in the middle of it. Apropos of nothing, welcome to page seven. I kind of zoomed it. If it's not directly about pinball and being cool at pinball, I don't pay attention to who. Oh, oh, I'm sorry. You're a who boy and I didn't even know it? It's absolutely. It's, you know, the Who's Tommy is a great show about it. a kid and some stuff happens. Then he's real good at pinball and it's fucking awesome. And then he was a fat guy in a little coat. What?

Tommy boy. It's a crossover. Tommy boy. But how did he put on the jacket if he can't see it? He could feel it, Jake. Welcome to the show. Jake Young, everybody. Happy to be back here.

Welcome to Jake. And MJ, how the hell are you feeling today? Back from the minds of the hospital. Yes. You have army crawled your way out of it. And now on the other side, we call you Master MJ. I forgot. Repeatedly asked you not to.

You don't like Master of MJ. What is, sir, is it counselor? I call you Counselor J. Just for the second part of it. We have the John Mullaney joke about law and order where, you know, the judge who will allow anything when he's like, I'll allow it, but you watch yourself, counselor. So, yes, I am. Thank you to everyone for your kind wishes about when my husband was in the ER hallway for approximately 64 hours.

He is okay. And thank you more than anything to Holden and Mike Lawrence. I know we had a first time I'm saying that whole sentence. I was about to say, we had, you know, the two parts of the nerd of mouth, but we didn't have the mouth part. And that's why, honestly, as I was saying that, Jackie, if we're going to look at Mike, Holden and Jake, you think Jake is the mouth? I'm Brayshare Holden's the gulper on that one. I'm going to say, between the three of us, neither of us are like really poster boys for dental hygiene. And that's fine.

That's not why you come to the big show. None of you guys have bad teeth, though. Oh, these things, these are just candy corn I shoved in there. That's why they look so great. Oh, I see how you gnawed off the tips. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the problem. You get snacky.

You get snacky. Oh, why? Tell me about it, Jake. A lot of talk in the studio about after Nerd of Mouth records and what is the residue left on the mics, you know. Residue. I'm not saying that's you, Jake. I think that's the other two. Oh, no.

I go in with some Dr. Bronners and I just wipe everything down. Wipe it all down. It's like when you get on an airplane, you know, as you start wiping everything down. That's what happens. Every time we come in, we, you know, go get all the beard hair off of all of the microphones. I don't even know how the beard hair gets on the microphones. It's actually impressive. Yeah.

I mean, listen, the amount of dandruff, really, the beard dandruff, that's where, that's where the real. Is that what this is? No, yeah, it's, we were not doing a Christmas episode. It's June. It really is, like, you three, it's like how, like the idea that everyone could tell when Nerd of Mouth has been sitting there where it's like, how are you leaving residue? do. It's like pig pen from the, you know, penis. It's like a cloud of dust

wherever he goes. Speaking of June, I would like to say to all of you straight male partners of bisexual women, you're here, you're valid. This month is about you too. Jeff hears you. He hears you and he thanks you as well.

And I do want to say for all of us, happy pride bitches. Happy pride. Happy pride. That's, yeah, that's why we had, you know, the pinnacle of love pride here at this network, Jake Young. And I wanted him out here and he's got little shorts on and I'm loving it. I, listen, I don't, I don't need a medal to be with the most bisexual woman who has ever lived.

Hell yeah. But I'd appreciate it. Right. You and Jeff both deserve, you deserve really big, big shiny medals. We'll shine them for you. That's what we'll do with our sexuality. We use it, turn it into a viscous fluid, not to eject, but just to shine with. And not like Mr. Hollering.

Yeah, it's a metal that says I won't do bisexual erasure, which is a problem in pop culture. So it's good. Yes, it is. I fall into this problem myself. So thank you for your refusal to do bisexual erasure, Jake. Thank you, Jake. You do this for all of us. You get seen.

You know, this is a. This is all, I was just yelling at Holden about a very similar thing on Jack. I mean, he erased a whole lesbian out of the equation. He certainly did, you know, just as his month. He does. He has already lamented that man's month has come and gone. And that straight man's month is always so short and he doesn't feel celebrated enough. But don't worry, he got it out of his system by complaining about the fact that he's not a woman.

so he's not allowed to, quote, say anything about women. And I said, that is the truth and that is the case. As he was yelling at me about Olivia Rodriguez wearing the baby doll dress. Okay. So you tease me. I was going to know the breakdown of you and Holden and who stands where on Olivia Rodriguez. I know that you both love Olivia Rodriguez music and as a person.

Lover, lover, lover, lover, lover. And I don't know if you guys heard the discourse. Sorry. I'm going to say sorry to everyone that also listens to who's the bitch. you will eventually hear me yelling about Holden because you think I didn't bring this bitchuation to who's the bitch? Yeah, I fucking did because Holden. So there's a lot of discourse online. Albeit we all know, I'm sure, a lot of bot discourse online that Olivia Rodrigo had on a baby doll dress.

And if you're familiar with a baby doll dress, usually it's high necked. It covers everything. And it's usually fairly short. It's like a short, almost like a line dress. I did need my beautiful bisexual partner, Marie, to explain that, like, the empire waste is here. Yep. And the baby doll is higher. And that's the, it's the, the very high waist is what makes it a baby doll.

Yes. Because it was the traditional dress of small children back during the yeoldy times. In the 1920s, which I know from all the episodes of the little rascals that I watched. But I also know from being familiar with 80s and 90s, punk. Riot girl culture that it does not only from the little rascals. It has become something else in fashion. Yes. Which is what Olivia Rodriguez is doing.

Yes. Yes. And so essentially she wore this baby doll dress, which it is a short dress. She had on these cool, like knee high boots. So what is essentially showing that from above her knee to the top of her thigh, right? That's what's showing. Yeah. And a lot of people online were like, a baby doll dress.

what are you playing to the pedos out here? Oh, you're wearing baby clothes. Oh, and there you're like, and so going at it from that angle. And she has come out and was like, guys, I've worn like bras and little shorts before, but this is too sexual for you. Like, it's just a dress. Get over it. And Holden's response was that she is gaslighting all of us.

Oh, Holden. Baby doll dresses are inherently sexual and that, but he's a man so he's not allowed to say anything about it. And that Olivia was wrong in gaslighting all of us by saying that baby doll dresses are not inherently sexual. And I said, Holden, where do you put a baby doll dress? What's a baby doll dress for? It's a dress. It's an article of clothing. Do you know that that doesn't necessarily mean that it is a sexualized thing just because you have a baby doll dress on it?

What ends up happening? I stopped fighting with him because he kept pushing, kept pushing. Our Holden, keeping pushing, kept bringing it back up every 20 minutes, every 30 minutes he'd bring it back up. I'm trying to not fight with him about it. And then eventually I snapped. And the reason why I brought it to Who's the Bitch was because I did make him put on a baby doll dress of mine that, did not fit him. I made him take off his pants and wear the baby doll dress in front of everyone on the stream. And I said, is this sexual? Do you feel sexual right now? Is this inherently sexual?

How do you feel what the baby doll dress on? So, Jackie. Did I go too far? Kara said I didn't. She said I wasn't the bitch. Is this workplace harassment? Jake, you wait. Just because you needed to put your longtime comedy partner and co-worker into a sexualized humiliation ritual doesn't mean something weird is happening. I'm broken, right? I'm not broken, guys. Listen, every comedian, Kat Williams warned us at some point they're going to put you in the dress. And I think this is what he was talking about. And they're going to make fun of the fact that you have light boxer shorts on because I kept saying I'm surprised your wife.

you wear light boxer shorts. I made fun of him for a lot of things. Okay, I have a Harper's article called The Punk Lineage of Olivia Rodriguez's baby doll dress. Okay. So she did, like you said, Jackie, she was asked about this on the New York Times like pop culture podcast. Like, are you appealing to the petals? Are you now? Have you ever been a baby doll?

Yeah, exactly. And she's like, this is so weird. Like, you all, her response I thought was excellent. She was like, you all are the ones making it weird. You're telling me that a fashion choice that I'm making is going to then be sexualized by men. And that's my fault. Like, listen to yourselves. This is what, and she says, this is what girls are always told that whatever we wear, if something happens to us, then it is our fault.

What are you wearing? Totally. And I thought that she handled that very well. And then she shouted out Courtney Love. And, like, you know, she talked about, like, I think bikini kill. and like that this is like a style, like a kind of like punk style that that where the dress was reclaimed for these different, for a different aesthetic. And so here is. She's wearing with with knee high platform boots.

You know, it's like it's an awesome fucking look. Yeah. She does not look like Darla from the Little Rascals. But so in the 19, the dress was created in the 1940s. In the 1960s, the baby doll dress was the chosen uniform of youth culture that rebelled against the previous decades cinched weights. as Jane Birkin, Twiggy, and Bridget Bardot rocked their some fashion names, I don't know, shift dresses, the ever-shortening silhouette became emblematic of sexual liberation. So, yeah, this is like, babes in toilet.

Courtney Lund is what you're saying, Holden's right. Women reclaiming this look, right? So, all right, I had the very long discussion with Marie, my beautiful partner, who is very much has made, like, feminism a core part of her life. This is something she's dedicated a lot of time. And fashion is a very complicated thing. I'm not saying Holden was right to quintuple down. But if you back me into a corner and she's wearing the knee-high socks with the frilly bloomers

and she's like, you know, was Britney Spears expressing her like punk rock sensibilities when she wore a Catholic schoolgirl dress and hit me baby one more time? The fact is the pop starlet has been a vector for like elevating. innocence and sexuality in a way that has been the same forever. And I really feel like the way, you know, she got pushback because there are people that are very sensitive to the ways that youth is fetishized in our culture. Yes. So much of women's fashion and like the way that's produced in the mass media is a pedophilic

and like kind of, you know, nobody goes out and puts on a Catholic schoolgirl dress and it like, I can't wait to, like, make pedophilia more acceptable in our culture. Nobody does that. But the collective message really does, like, isn't, like, that positive if we are trying to push our society away from that. And her, you know, she has an entire fashion team, her entire look, this entire, you know, the era that she is going for right now leaned into this, like, innocent, youthful, playful thing while still being, like, cool, hot, pot.

top star Olivia Rodrigo, I don't think, I don't buy her like wholly like standing atop the mountain and being like, this is my great choice for a woman. Because Courtney loves look that she pointed to. That is like a baby doll that has been through the fucking ringer. It is innocence destroyed. It is a damnation of the way that like the feminine is punished in society. I also feel like that is what Olivia Rodriguez is doing, though. Like I feel like with her music like.

She's in a perfect pink like outfit though. Yes. but her music is angry. And is that not saying something? Like I feel like that she is allowed to dress however she wants to dress and sing whatever the hell she wants to say on it. Now Jake has to say, but I can't say anything because I'm a man.

And it is, I can say something. I just don't have to like go to the mat and dedicate my life to commenting on every Instagram post about it. Right, right, right, right. I think that the Britney Spears reference is an interesting one though, Jay, because Jackie, remember when we read Britney Spears's memoir, Now, I think right now she might be the definition.

She might be the definition of an unreliable narrator. But yes, it was men. But she wasn't choosing that. And this is Olivia Rodrigo choosing this. It was men who chose this look. And in Britney Spears is telling, again, unreliable narrator, but in her telling, she pictured the baby one more time video like an actual school girls, like school kids like having fun in the hallways. Like she says that she was 16. She wasn't thinking this is like a male.

fantasy. I'm just wearing, in her mind, it was like, this is, this is giving high schooler. And what the men who were managing her knew was, this is giving creepy, predatory men's, indulging men's desires for underage girls. And I think that that's, I think that what Olivia Rodriguez is saying is that I chose this look. I chose this look building on, you know, this, this history of this look. But, but, but yeah, I do hear what you're saying. I understand what you're saying. Yeah. And that's a thing. I would never have. done what I did with Holden if that's what he said. Right.

If this was the conversation, yeah, I'm not going to be ready to go. I did make sure. I did make sure he was prepared just in case because I didn't know how you were going to react, Jake. You know, I always have to protect myself. Oh, I said.

In the center of the ring, just like a circus. Yeah, give him out twirl it, bitch. Happy pride, America. I'm the ring leader now. I, and no, but I'm glad that you said that because I understand where you're coming from and I'm not saying that what Holden was saying it's just the way in which

and then he just can't. I believe it. I know. I know. And Holden? What? Digging in? What? To push it to such an extreme because here's a thing though that is, you know, he's funny. Ah, that bastard.

That bastard is funny. But he did push me. He pushed me too far. Okay? And to lean once more on Holden in a segue because I really want to talk about this. Holden did cogently predict the future years ago, the future rise of skinny evil Lizzo. And it was, it turns out to be one of his most, you know, correct predictions.

Actual prediction. He really manifested it. And, you know, obviously Lizzo's been kind of like lurking in the cancellation shadows ever since the whole banana up. Jackie has been here. Up the whatever. It was Amsterdam. There's no laws there. You can do whatever you want in the mean streets of Holland's River City. Jackie spent so many months after that incident threatening to shove a banana up people's

asses that it has been rewritten in my own to be a banana up the ass. Wait a minute. It wasn't that. Jackie, you had lost a lot of weight. Do you think that's the key? Oh, it's the bananas up the ass. It's like there is this weird size. effect and like something happens when your BMI goes down.

That all of a sudden you're just like, ooh, I want to put this affair. Yeah, I'm seeing a new holes now. Not in me. Other people. Other people have to do this. I guess I should just use a rib rack as a flute. I've got a one of my skinny evil, Jackie. Skinny evil Jackie.

I would love that turn of vents, especially if I got me that. Baby, back, baby, baby back, baby back, baby back. Chili's baby back. baby back money I want that baby back money you know why because I think

that Lizzo is really trying to get this new album off the ground she's trying to do anything and she is still on the outskys and so what does she do she is remaking the baby back ribs jingle

but in a self-aware way guys it's in a self-aware way and she is using... You can't be mad if she acknowledges she's getting the bag Am I right fellow Selenials? Come on.

Here's a thing. We all want here. We want us all get in the bag. We want everybody getting that bag. Get that bag. It's just something about watching, oh, how they fall. Can you imagine her when they put the rack

of fake ribs in her hand? And she's like, and you want me to use this like a flute? And they're like, yes. You play it like your flute. And so she had like it was Sasha B. Flutin. And she held the ribs.

up to her face, and I imagine she, just like somewhere inside, she's like, I shouldn't have put that banana up that. If I had never put that banana up somebody else's ass, that I wouldn't be playing a rib like a flute. I'm playing a rib like a flute right now. What a life regret to place. Like, we all have those regrets in our lives. Those moments are like, wow, I really should not, like,

I could have played that differently and it would have made a real big difference. But for her, it's a. It's a fucking Amsterdam sex club. And she's like, yeah. And now years later being like, ah, if I knew what I knew that. Oh, God. How could we have known? How could we have known that one played at?

That this is wrong. Slighting doors, extra sliding. This ad actually made me grieve Lizzo. Like, she, I was thinking of that Grammy, I think it was the Grammy performance where she was fucking playing the flute out of the stage and I was just like, I just felt so in love with her, you know? And I just, and I love, that's really what it is. I think it just, it hurts so much, MJ, because I loved Lizzo so much. Yeah, man. And I just, I, I, I really loved everything about Lizzo and that as we all found out that all of it was a lie, that all of that, like, all of the, like, the body positivity, all of it was pushed on her. She didn't want it. She's just literally like, I just want to be famous. But that's a thing. I do understand. It doesn't make me, like, I do get that.

It just kind of hurts, but it does make me smile when she holds the baby back rib. And then it is kind of what. It is, oh my God, once again, we love a penance ritual in this studio, don't we, folks? I just, I mean, guess that rib. Put holding in the dress. Yeah. Take up the rib float. Well, I am going out to lunch with them today.

so maybe I need to remake this. I'll put him in, yeah, because she is, she, so Lizzo wrote and produced the, the version of the song, but it's just even in the Chili's commercial, she's like wearing the Yitty robe, like her own company's robe and stuff like, with the big Yiddy on it and stuff like that, where it is almost,

heart of me feels bad. I'm just like, man, because she just had, she had it all. It was all right there. Totally. I felt the same way. I really felt like I felt so many emotions watching this Chili's commercial, you guys. Like I've never been this emotional watching the baby back rib song because I was the same thing.

She was like the pop star we all dreamed of, you know? And then she appeared and we had a whole great summer of listening to Juice, you know, and it was just wonderful. And I went to see her in concert and had like a religious experience. And the amount of people I made friends with and like just the time that I had like I just I try to I now I have to just put it in a capsule. You know, it also it doesn't take away just because, you know, bitch who must not be named is such a turf ass bitch. Doesn't mean when I was 12 I didn't love Harry Potter. I did. And it's like these are things we're able to that we have to be able to separate certain things.

Yeah. And it is like a banana from the private parts. We keep them separate. We do not put them. Even if they fit in the holes, we don't on a work trip. We don't put them in holes. So is it that, so as part of this kind of reckoning with the fact that the Lizzo you did fall in love with was also a product. And now that that authenticity has been stripped for brand synergy and a, and a, and a,

Carol tie-ins and of all the things to like hit your wagon on, Chili's like, and then like as everybody has like finally like their eyes have opened been like, oh, we're being served the same like Cisco frozen slop like everywhere we go now. Like the American culinary scene has been. Thank you for bringing up Cisco. No, not thong song Cisco. Oh. S-Y-S-C-O.

Oh, the brand company. Like the reason why you get like the same holocaid. What? That's... Wait, am I, like, blowing... You guys know about this. No, no, no, I'm familiar with Cisco. That's why you can get the same fucking basket of jalapeno poppers and fried pickles at every

fucking restaurant. It all tastes the same because it's all frozen from the same company. So it's like, so that's how you know if a place doesn't use Cisco, if you eat something, you're like, did you guys make this? We cut vegetables and prepared them. Is it from, but no, but I didn't, in my head, though, it was just like, Cisco with his silver hair as an overlord and I imagine him like puppeteering the world as a big marionette. Um, right, guys?

You didn't see Cisco doing that? I mean, Cisco did influence the American diet in many ways, but that's just we started eating more ass. Ah, yeah. Yeah. It is, it still is, I'm going to say it, one of my favorite karaoke songs. And you think that run at the end, how do you do it? Oh, you go.

baby you just like throw yourself I love the way the moon you know you just really if you throw your whole body into it nobody knows that you're not hitting any notes you know

I just really throw myself into it it's honestly Jake I think you would kill doing the thong song at karaoke I was born for karaoke yeah what's your what's your go-to So apparently, I didn't realize this was coming out. My go-to for years has been The Way by Fastball.

Oh, that's bad. We were just singing that. Yes. It is like two minutes long. It's like you're in, you're out. It's a song that everybody, at least in our generational cohort, knows. And there's like a great breakdown at the end where just like an instrumental part where you can talk about like, so funny story about this song.

It's about a couple that just abandoned their kids. Yeah, which we didn't realize until. a week ago when we talked about this or two weeks ago. But actually, I think... And then as you finish the sad story, it's just... And they never saw their parents again. And it won't see the road. And they're going to do it like a pop-up video?

You should start adding in like little facts because I believe it's like it was... Adam was telling me it's like a couple that they both had dementia or like one at dementia and the other one went with that. It was like something is like a very... It's a very sad story. Incredibly sad. Love it that I've read, looked into it. Still don't remember all of it.

But you know it's a sad one out there, guys. And you know what's sad? Hit me. Using a rogola as a dairy substitute. Can we please talk about goop for just a moment? MJ, MJ, I want you to go off. I can see the goop pouring out of your eyes. Oh, God.

Someone get them a tissue. Okay. So I want to start with this. Hasn't Savannah Guthrie been through enough? Hasn't she been? Where is Nancy Guthrie? Where is Nancy? And now you are going to make Savannah Guthrie sit there and talk to Goop and pretend like she's, you know, has a smile on her face.

She doesn't give a fuck? No, Savannah Guthrie is checked out. Where's her mother? She's never going to be the same ever again. This is a tricky one because I really feel like I'm glad she's... Oh, I'm sorry. I just heard the very long ringing of your doorbell. Jake, did you know that Pocobel's canon the entire thing plays every time MJ's doorbell rings?

Which one's Pockebell's canon? You want me to do the whole thing like the doorbells? I got to change the doorbell. It's becoming a problem. I think it's the funniest thing about you, MJ. Is it polyphonic or is it like individual chimes? Because then that's quaint. You can't change that.

It doesn't sound like an orchestra, if that's what you're asking. It sounds like a doorbell. Does that answer to your question? That or replace it with lacucaracha. And that's obviously. You know, that's next. Savannah Guthrie is there trying to plaster a smile on her face despite the horrific, you know, ongoing trauma that she's going through.

And Guedith Paltrow always looks like she's about to pass out from hunger. And she's slowly, leisurely moving her way through, how to make a meatball. And, you know, at one point, Carson Daly's like, we have 30 seconds. And then they just like kind of push her. and the tank push her through the assembly line. She's like a jalopy. And she's just so her, I know that it's like her thing.

And I do hope that like when I'm in my 50s, I achieve, you know how some people in their 50s, I think especially women have like a level of serenity that I really aspire to? I'm like, you're not rushing. You're not in a rush. And Guedith Poudreau, she is not rushing, you know. MJ, what you're hoping for is I hope I'm rich at some point.

That's what you would say. That's when the urgency goes away. We were just talking about this on wisterialaniacs because MJ was like, does anyone exist that just is able to just enjoy a day? Yeah, you got to be really rich. Yeah, once you're rich, you can enjoy multiple days. Yeah, just a day like meeting up with your friends or like, and so Guedith Paltrow, obviously, she's like,

I love to make these disgusting looking meatballs. And she does, to her credit, put Parmesan in the meatballs. And then she says, and you know what, if you want to go dairy-free, you know what I use, is a dairy substitute instead of Parmesan, I use arugula. And, you know, everyone, that's the headline. That's the headline of what's going viral. But I honestly think the entire segment is worse than that because it's just horrific to hear her speak.

Especially Savannah Guthrie's response, which was just like, really? That's weird. I would you. Because like how she's a shred of a human being. What are you supposed to say to that? You know what I mean? Like, think about like what's going on in her regular life. And then it's like, what do I say to this?

How do I not slap that smug look off your face? Can you imagine being in an ongoing personal hell and you have to stand next to Gwyneth Paltrow explaining how to make like a low calorie turkey meatball? No. I mean, we're going to witness like a murder suicide on screen. I love one of the comments underneath when it says, when I don't have milk for my pancake mix, I just. add lawn clippings. So, in defense of Lady Paltrow. Arogola's got a great taste.

I love arugula. It adds moisture. It can add structure. Yes. It does have a sharp flavor that could, in theory, add a little bit of depth to a low-calorie meatball. I don't think the meatball recipe is that crazy. If anything, I grew up with an almond mom.

I know many people listening in the audience, had almond moms. This kind of like weird boomer Gen X, like Weight Watchers, lean cuisine, ass thought, is very common in America. And frankly, I would like to eat healthier.

I would, you know, I want to lose weight. I want to avoid the things like gluten and dairy and artificial flavorings that, you know, keep me for, from my absolute maximum productivity. Oh, you're going to really look forward to Jackie Snackies today.

And something like Goop Kitchen, where you can get gluten-free, vegan, and high-protein options with clean ingredients. Seems like a wonderful idea, especially if I'm like a higher earner individual and I want to... Yeah, if you're very wealthy. If you can afford it. Every review I've ever seen of Goop Kitchen on Seamless and Yelp and any other place is that it is apparently, hot dog shits. And that's the problem. A really expensive hot dog shit.

Expensive hot dog shit. Yep, yep, yep. But to shame Gwyneth Paltrow, to say, what a freak, this arugula smuggling witch woman, this is how a majority of women over 50 live. This is, if we wanted Gwendoz Paltrow to eat normal, we probably shouldn't have a Hollywood system where every woman has to be skinny as fuck. If anything, you get your Gigi Hadid's talking about, oh, I definitely eat pizza and kebab every day. No, they all eat like these freaks.

We demand they eat like these freaks. And if anything, Miss Goop is a hero for not trying to hide that and just being like, yep, I have to eat like a mutant rabbit 24-7 if I want to get cast and shit. I need to look like this, which she, you know, like you said, the Hollywood system tells her that she does. And it is, you're right. It is also, it is such a great example of how all of our brains lie to ourselves, you know? I remember all the snack wells and thinking, this does taste like a devil's food cake. And you know what? It didn't.

It tasted like fake chemicals inserted into a sponge. And we ate it and we liked it. And so that's why I just- Were you a survivor of the Alester Wars of the 90s? Oh, my gosh. See, my problem was more of like, like the Molly McButter, like we dealt with in like a Molly McButter home, which Molly McButter is powdered fake butter that you put on things rather,

and then so then you mix in the powder crystals until it's not grainy in your teeth. Or sometimes you put on too much Molly McButter and then it's all and then you're eating a baked potato. Like it's crunchy. I was going to try and be like, whoa is me. I grew up with smart balance, but dear God. Molly McButter was rough. No, no. I want to put a blanket over you and tell you everything's going to be okay.

That is horrifying. Thank you. It is, I, my, my mom definitely was always, there was always some diet. There was always a new fat thing. There was always, we were always trying. One point, and this is like a family joke that we have, we didn't know that my mom was adding a bunch of bran and extra fiber to everything we were eating. I was in middle school.

And I, like, I thought I would. is dying because like my body was being eradicated of every morsel of crap that lined my system. Just crying in the fourth grade bathroom being like, dear God, why are you shitting so much? What's wrong with me? The great time of uncontrollable shit is middle school. Oh my God, in middle school. And I was just like, and of course you're so embarrassed. So I didn't want to talk to anyone about it because I thought there was something wrong with me,

but I didn't want to tell anyone about it. And then eventually, like, years later, Henry and I found out that our mother put brand everything. And we're like, we thought we were dying. You never told us how much brand were you putting in? Like, willy-nilly in everything. And, MJ, I don't want to presume, but I'm going to nakedly without shame.

I feel like you were just in a skinny family, just knowing you and your brother, you were just one of those weird families with like real skinny, like you would just forget lunch as a family sometimes. Oh my family could not even imagine. Holding hands being like, we forgot we were so busy singing. Lina, singing's better than lunch. Oh, whole family family.

Oh, we forgot lunch. Yeah, you know, we had all the, we had, I don't think we had snack wall. My grandma had snack walls. And I remember that because it was like, you know, you go to your grandma's house and you look for anything exciting to do. And the snack wells were, but yeah, we had all the experimental butters and everything. You know, it was the 90s. You got to experiment with butter. As a result, I am devoted to using real butter.

Like, I just want to give Jackie a piece of toast right now, you know. Oh, yeah. I am real butter all the way. But it is good because I think so. I don't know if your almond mom has. My almond mom has grown and realizes. now it's better to eat less real things than to eat a bunch of fake things. But that took a whole lifetime to really get it.

It was just like, you know, we could just eat less and it be delicious rather than grimacing and just being like, I am happy here like this. But that's okay. It's good as long as we learn at some point, guys. Okay, I know that we're like inching towards the time of the list. We are inching. Jackie, well, we have Jake here. And while we're talking about almond moms, let's talk about a different type of mom, which is the boy mom.

Okay, just briefly. This is something I expect, Jackie, you and I will get more into on second helpings. But the current celebrity, quote unquote, in the hot seat is Jenny Malin, who I did have to look up because I did not. With most celebrities on this show. Yeah, that's, that is true. I had to, I forgot her. She is married to Jason Biggs, and she has also made many movies. in her own right. But she went quite viral earlier this week and I fell into this hole because

she had a substack, I think. Yes, it is a substack. About about her, about how hard it is to love your sons so much that you like want to consume them. And I'm just going to, if I may, read a couple of the highlights of why everyone's mad at Jenny Malin right now. She begins the essay by saying, call me old fashion, but I only want to. want my sons to marry women with dead mothers. It's my only shot at staying relevant. Wait, okay. It's quite a lead.

I mean, what do you mean call me old fashion? That is not even a fucking, like, at the height of like prohibition in Amish country. They'd be like, what the fuck is wrong with you, lady? You crazy. There's so many, just so many things about this that are weird. but another highlight just to get in before we can jump into the talk is she said several months ago my eldest, who's 12,

was texting with a girl who was 12 and I could already tell that the girl was my brand of toxic. She was bossing him around using big words. I complained to Jason that I wanted to intervene before he got hurt and she wasn't even hotter than me. She said about the 12 year old, her

son was texting and she said to be a boy mom there's so much anticipatory grief wrapped into motherhood. It will trigger even the most well-adjusted women, but the abandonment we eventually endure as boy moms is uniquely cruel because it begins as worship. They arrive obsessed, dependent, adoring. They think we're magic. We think we're magic. And then she posted a picture, very much cuddling with her 12-year-old son, and everyone is just like screaming. Like, please stop. They can stop. So Jake, have you ever

had you ever interacted? Have you ever interested? Are you? How boy, Have you been? So, I don't know. This is, well, doctor, I feel like it started in childhood. What do you want me to say right now? You think your boy, mom, fucked you fucked up? I was the, okay, so I grew up with two sisters. I was so, but I'm the oldest.

And I know it's important that I was like the one who made it. They were like trying to get pregnant for like a while. And so like my arrival was very much welcome. Gotcha. And as the firstborn, as the promised child, I definitely feel, like, if you ask my sisters, like, who's, who do you think is mom's favorite? Like, without hesitation, without blinking, be like, chick. Like, I'm comfortable with that.

I have a great relationship with my mom. She's funny. She's, you know, always, like, there to, you know, listen and I call, like, great. But what your, like, boy mom discourse did not exist, like, when I was a kid. It's new, yeah. It's newish, right? So if I understand correctly, like, is it, the psychology is, like, you wanted a daughter, you had a relationship with your mom where your mom's your best friend, and then you're, like,

kind of foisted into this, like, kind of new experience where you're not, like, your kid's best friend, but, you know, you're the, like, their loving parent, and, like, that just level of, like, dynamic and love with the opposite gender is just so new and, like, crazy that it breaks your brain? You're being far too generous. I think that is like a thoughtful interpretation of this. That's what they call me thoughtful interpretation, Jake. Yeah, they do. It's very long-winded.

My custom license plate is five feet long. Certainly this does not apply to everybody who has a bumper sticker that says boy mom, right? But I think that what people are identifying going on with Jenny Malins is this idea that it's like, I'm raising boys into men. I want the boys to be my boyfriend, but they're my son. And then you're like, you're going to stop you right there. Because like, I always wanted, yeah. I know that a lot of people hate the rhetoric of just talking about boy, mom, girl, mom,

or like, whatever of just all of this. So I understand if you're just rolling your eyes at all of it. Because like, I really thought someday I wanted to be covered in a gaggle of boys. Like, it was like, I want to be a boy mom. I want to have, but it was never any of those. thoughts. My thoughts was I literally like, I want to raise a team of big, strong boys, so I'll never have to worry about anything ever again. And they'll just take care of my, uh, me and my whole life for me. And, uh, but not in a sexual way. In a protection way. Does it have something to do

with your own personal relationship to like, like, if you have struggled with your own girlhood and your own femininity, and I don't mean struggle like in terms of identity, just like you found the experience, like girlhood is one of the most traumatizing things. Humanity has a convoluted. Tell us about it. Having talked to enough women, pretty sure we fucked that part of the development as a society up. And so, like, just boy, like, just, it's easier at, from that perspective, or, like, I still,

or is it really just, like. She wants to be her 12-year-old son's favorite woman. And, like, that is what she's explicitly saying. She's, like, she says, he's texting with a 12-year-old. old who's not even hotter than me. Again, this is not normal boy mom behavior. I don't think that most people who say I'm a boy mom meanness. No. But, but, but, but, I hope not. And, yeah, I mean, Jason Biggs, I think that they might have also been already getting divorced before this, but he's got to be like, what, why did you do this? So happy he's out the door now. But like, I think that what she's,

what people are identifying here, which I guess is, and the term in meshment, which is like, you know, the kind of blurring of boundaries within a family, and, the, at like, you know, kind of codependence. And I think what she's just, and in that she talks about Jason Biggs in the essay. Like, I feel I have a language with my sons that I don't have with him, that he doesn't have with them. And I think she just doesn't want to stop being her boy's favorite woman. I think that's it.

And like, that's weird. And that's weird. So this is, I don't know, I don't know if as a man I can speak on this. But not to pull a holden. The. the article. Now you're ready to be the mouth, the nerd of mouth, all right.

The article there was like pictures of her like with her kids at the beach and like it seems like she's still invested in being like hot as an actress. Like is this a weird Freudian employ just to like get more perverts

on her substack? Or just more fan. Like I think I mean certainly I've never heard her name before and we're talking about her right now. Oh yeah. Boy mom is. absolutely a lane on social media.

Oh, yeah. That is a world you can hang your hat on and make a living. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think this is just an example of a celebrity being like, I'm going to write something really poetic. And then I accidentally wrote something really, really creepy and bad. And now everyone's mad at me.

That's kind of my reading. I imagine. She's like, I'm living my truth. This is my truth. Like, I just feel like there's something about that I imagine. She's like, of course they're going to hate. the truth that I dropped. You know,

I feel, I imagine that's a lot of the feedback she's feeling in her brain. Yeah. And I just want to add that the weirdest little detail of this is that she's married to a man who is famous for being a teenager who put his penis into a pie, you know? And so that's just a layer of color there. A boyish man. Yeah, talk about boy mom,

you know. I just, you know, I hope, I'm going to say it. I hope she gets a hollie. You know that she could do anything? We were just talking about these rich people that it's like, you know, you could go do other things, right?

Like you could, anything. I just think. Or write this in a journal that you don't share. Can we call Eugene Levy? Do you think he'd intervene? Oh, God. He has to be like the God's father or something of one of these kids. Yeah.

Well, also, but I love that like, I like the actual, like professional as well as personal relationship of Eugene. and Dan Levy because they've both openly talked about that like there is a difference between their professional and their personal relationships, obviously his father and son, but that they're also able to work together in like which I think is beautiful. And in the opposite way of I imagine anyway, Jenny Mullen's children are ever going to want to work with her. I bet Eugene Levy did actually go through a crisis when he saw his son text a 12 year old boy for the first time. No, I'm the prettiest one for you. Well, is it the eyebrows?

Are his eyebrows better than mine? Nobody's dad. No, if your dad is Eugene Levy's, ain't nobody got better eyebrows and yo, mama. It's time for the list, guys. Oh, who's on the list? Me! Gotta have that list.

Actors who ended up in the hospital because a movie or a TV role. While filming castaway, Tom Hanks refused to bathe, which ended up nearly killing him after he caught a staff infection from a wound on his leg. He said, Castaway put me in the hospital. I was there for three days with something that, believe it or not, almost killed me. I got an infection from a cut and it was eating its way through my leg. I didn't know it. I just thought I had a sore. I went to the doctor who took one look at it and said, I have to put you in the hospital because we have to get this infection out of you before it poisons your blood and you die.

And he didn't. He's a castaway, which is like a fine film, but not worth dying for. I think that he, this was, but this was a big, castaway was a big Oscar movie though, wasn't it? I feel like this was a big one for him. And for Helen Hunt. And for Wilson. Thank you for volleyball in general.

Right? That was a volleyball? I guess it wasn't that big for volleyball in general. If I couldn't even remember, I just knew ball, faceball. Yeah. But did you know, face punch. Sylvester Stallone does.

Sylvester Stallone wanted the fighting scenes in Rocky Ford to look as real as possible so he asked Dolph Lungren to forget the choreography and just go out there and try to clock me.

And he did. Just horse, Swedish, Dol being like my arm length twice as big, I hurt. Little man wants me to hit him in face, I hit him. I know that

this line for a movie but also I we'll break you. I just love. He got beaten up so badly that he ended up in the ICU for nine days.

Good Lord. His doctors even told him that Dolph's punch was so powerful that it, quote, caught the ribs and hit the heart against the rib cage,

an injury commonly seen after head-on collisions. I believe it. That's crazy. He was in the ICU for, I just loved these. Okay, I get burned. Little man, little man wants me to punch him.

And I just love that. He's just like, I'm naked all the way. And put him in the ICU for nine days. Just kept going. He must have been passed out, right? Like, he must have, right? No, I think he just punched him really hard. He would have healed faster, but there was this stupid fucking robot in the room with him,

and it was really distracting. Kind of undercut the entire more dramatic way to the experience. Oh my God. Well, I can't remember if we talked about it because I know that we've talked, Jeff and I have brought up the show and we've seen it on streamings many times, this 2019 show called Killing Zach Efron. And I don't know why that I don't know if it's maybe just because in my life, I reference the slipping and the hitting of his face on the marble fountain. Maybe I just bring it up so often that my streaming services think that I want to watch more Zach If you want to kill Zach Efron, he nearly dying.

I don't want that. But back in 2019, Zach Ephron was in Papua New Guinea, filming his shows, killing Zach Ephron, and contracted a bacterial infection, believed to be typhoid fever. He ended up having to be airlifted to Brisbane, Australia, where he could be hospitalized. Luckily, he had a, quote, quick recovery and finished filming his show. He said, very thankful to everyone who has reached out, I did get sick in Papua, New Guinea, and I bounced back quick and finished in amazing three weeks. So he, don't worry, made it through.

Definitely didn't do too much coke on a yacht. It was typhus, I swear. Yeah. Yeah. There is something about this story in conjunction with the slipping on the socks and hitting his face on the fountain story that's just like, what are you up to, Zach Gaffron? What is he up to?

I don't think you need to go to Papua New Guinea for your show, but you did. But he, but it is like a. And part of me was like, who was like, we gotta get Zach Ephron on these travel shows? And like somebody thought that that was the best idea. But I have learned, especially since watching it here on page seven, that high school musical really is, I feel like high school musical is to zoomers as saved by the bell was to us in terms of just like a completely foundational text. Oh, absolutely. I forget that sometimes that like Zach Ephron is just at the top, top, top of. the game for that for that for that in those teens 20 teens years yeah oh yeah and we just we just missed

it even though we have now since watched all the high school musicals yeah we do understand the hubbub but we just weren't at that prime age for it yeah and if you don't understand being on the cusp of adolescence watching that boy man bed on it nip it on it bed on the putting green. Oh, yeah. My heart. Wait, did you watch it back then, or just have you seen it just in the side guys? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right. Next up, Colin Firth developed headaches, a pinched nerve in his arm, and a stutter of his own after portraying King the Sixth in the King's speech. Or King, the Sixth, George the Sixth in the King's speech. He said, I had to learn to stammer and then play someone trying desperately not to. If I put my left arm to sleep, it was very peculiar. I must have been locking something like pinching a nerve. It was a semi-parallysis that would last for three or four days.

He said, Derek Jacoby said to me, you could find it affecting your speech patterns for some time afterward. When the job's over, don't worry, it will go away. So it did eventually go away? Did you see the king's speech? It was great, and he was great in it. But I guess he got a little bit of that ail of his arm. and he just couldn't quite drop the stud.

Yeah, honestly, what I remember from King's speech discourse is Holden complaining about it. So I didn't see it. And I don't even remember what he was complaining about. But I do think this is, I just, I'm struggling to figure out the connection between how his trying to act like somebody who had a stutter or a stammer then put his arm into paralysis. But whatever, Colin Firth, do your Jeremy Strong thing. He said it was very peculiar. Yeah.

He did say it was peculiar, MJ. So he doesn't know what the hell's going on either. Yeah, I'm fine with it. Whatever. He was in pride and prejudice. He can do whatever the fuck he wants. Yeah, that's talk about a foundational text. Yeah.

Darcy all over my face. Bet on it, bet on it. Bet on it. Oh my God. Such good elocution. I'm done with my list. I'm done with my list. I'm ready.

I'm ready to like, I'm ready to snap. With friends. Well, before you snack, I've got bad news for you. Oh, my God. But also, MJ, I had to go blind last week, and I didn't realize until the middle of the episode. I was worried about this. I was like, oh, no, who will do the blinds? But then, weirdly enough, Holden gave us a really great fun fact about the noid that I've been weirdly thinking about ever since.

Which, again, sidebar, because Jake and MJ, you're both looking at me. Oh, no, I'm aware of the story of, uh, uh, you're aware of the story of, uh, how the noid killed Christmas. Of like victorious A. Noid who, uh, Noid the domino mascot, MJ, who used to be huge. And this person with the last name of Noid thought that through the, through the commercials, that the Noid was like coming after him, that it was all making fun of him, that it was all about him. Oh, wow. And he went mad and held up domino workers at a domino's.

Wow. But anyway, sorry. That was a fun fact. What we ended up getting into last week. But please, yeah, blind. I have gone. Fine. Items.

Ah, we get them! Okay. The barely there celebrity offspring slash actress is tiring of her husband slash plaything. She thinks he's a cuck.

Oh, wow. Okay. All right, this was a very hot couple a few months ago. Wait, how do you suspect someone of being a cuck? I know. Well, I am cheating on him a lot.

He's always watching it happen. He's always watching me sleep with other men. There's a great way to know if your husband is a cuckold and you are the person that knows best. I only bring this up because we did talk about this couple a lot a few months ago because there was a whole epic family drama. She, celebrity offspring actress is a stretch. She's just famous for being a child of a very, very, very, very rich person. And he's also famous for being child of very, very, very rich people.

But the adults are the adults. But they are now adults and they are only known for being the children of rich people. They are known for that. They're known for it's, it was kind of a neps or fighting situation. Nepo babies are fighting? Are these the Hanks boys? We're right. We ain't talking to chat.

I don't think. No, the wife is the, is the adult child of like a, we don't, I don't think he's a household name. He's just like one of the top ten richest people. Angelina Jolie? No. Um, and. A Buffet?

No. No. He's, the, his richness is kind of, consequential. Let's focus on the husband, who's the cuck. He, oh, he, how do I? I love focusing on the cuck. You're not supposed to. How do I explain? You're supposed to just let him do his thing in the corner. He has kind of the antithesis. Let's break the fourth wall here and look directly at the cuck. He really blew up his entire. You know, when he said we should get a studio cuck who just sits in the corner, we thought it was weird, but honestly, we've been on fire lately. It really is like up the energy. Don't let us in the eyes.

He blew up his entire relationship with his family to marry this woman. And now he's a cuck. He got tattoos removed. And I keep thinking Billy Ray Cyrus, but it's not Billy Ray. Oh, Pete Davidson. No, no. He got tattoos removed. He.

Well, you say, oh, Brooklyn Beckham. There you go. There you go. Oh, thank God. Well, you said tattoos removed. That I was thinking Pete Davidson. And then I was immediately thinking about this, an article that was like, Pete Davidson already getting more tattoos. And I was just like, you know, whatever process you got to go through, babe, whatever you got to do.

Yeah, I would say Pete Davidson gives big not cuck energy. And apparently not cuck energy, yes. Brooklyn, Beckham giving cuck to Nicola Peltz, who, again, they got married a few months ago. He basically estranged himself from his parents. And now she's over it, allegedly. Whoa. Oh, but what is he going to do? He went over the mummy and dodsy tattoos.

What's he going to do? He's going to go back to Mumsie and Dadsy. Put him back. The photographer himself. You have to see some of his photographs, Jake. No, I don't believe I do. Yeah, you don't. They're really, really bad.

The elephant. The elephant's so hard to photograph. It's so hard to photograph, even though he'd say it's... Every time you bring up this cursory. Beckham Union. My heart just like murmurs. And I'm like willing myself to die. Look at his scary wife. Of course he's a cock. You know he's scared of his wife in the same way. He was scared of his mumsy.

And now like he's just being led around by the nose. That makes a lot of sense. Oh, God. Yeah. Talk about boy mom discourse. I feel like the Victoria Beckham, Brooklyn Beckham, Nicola Peltz thing is really that's right there. And Brooklyn Beckham, not the only boy that she's got. So you know she's a, uh, I, I, I don't think I want to read that substack. Yeah, I definitely don't want to read that substack. I guess she'd call it a spice stack, though. Oh, because she's a spice girl.

Spice girl. She's a spice girl. She called it a spice rack, Jackie. But that doesn't sound like a substack at all. It doesn't sound like, yeah. Several steps away. All right. One, number two.

And now I do understand now that we've discussed it of why you didn't say spice rack in the beginning. And now I do understand. Am I now going to call all subststack? substacks spice racks and no one's going to understand why we're going to call them spice racks yes we are okay slide number two the actress slash singer really decided to take a shot at sponge bob x in her sponge bob's ex in her new song that doesn't come off well whoa are ari ari ariana and she's gotten the music videos are coming out she's doing it all right and she's coming after how dare she come after SpongeBob's child's mother, okay, that he abandoned, okay?

Okay, I went pretty deep into this because I was all so upset. And so, of course, we're talking about Ariana Grande and Ethan Slater and his, Ethan Slater's ex-wife, who is Lily Jay, who he abandoned about eight weeks after she had their baby to be with Ariana Grande. Now, the name of Ariana's new song is, Hate That I Made You Love Me, which, which does seem pretty directly about that, although I did watch the music video and read all the lyrics, at which point I had the thought,

I think Ariana Grande's music is a little boring. But the verse, I think, that is perhaps, I mean, it's the chorus that I think is perhaps. Oh, you mean, yeah, I, I hate that I made you love me. Sorry if I made me your type. Yeah, I, I hate that I made you love me, because I barely tried. I hate that I made you love me because I barely tried.

And so the whole song is like, well, it's not my fault that you fell in love with me. Like, I didn't do anything. Because I barely tried is such a out. Yikes. Yikes, because I barely tried. That's Ariana. That's mean. And another line in the bridge is, is it really my fault?

You all gave me your hearts of your own accord. I don't really think so. So I think the cover here is that she's talking about her fans, but I think she's obviously talking about Ethan Slater. I mean, the lyric in the third verse, Tin Man Got Trash Dick, Trash Wife deserved it. That feels pretty damn it. What do you think that could be a reference to?

No, no, what it could be a reference to? She's so mysterious. I love, oh my God, how sugar-coded her words are. Did they've got trash dick So good That's so funny So yeah I know that we did a lot of like

Trying to be careful When we talked about Ariana is a home record To be like okay It takes two to wreck a home And he takes two He's a home record She barely tried

She's like she barely tried She's like That my fault I wrecked the home It's that guy's fault I think this song looks If I was Lily Jane I'd be like This pisses me off

Oh y'all Yeah That's my takeaway Okay, so our final blind. And I know, I don't mean to be like this because, like, I don't believe in, like, the court systems, but I do really hope that Lily Jay gets a bunch of, I don't know what the word is, malamint patrimony, matrimony, money for the baby. Money for the baby.

I hope she gets a lot of money for the baby. Yeah, yeah. I don't think you get alimony from the other woman. I think you're just stuck with Spongebob. No, Ariana pay it. Yeah, yeah, no, it's true. You should get it from the other woman because you know that even Slater doesn't have that much money. Yeah, I wanted based on the amount of money who you cheated on me for with.

You know, use that amount of money. Your amount to God's ears, I just says, legally, I just don't think there's a solid precedent. Right in that law Bible that you have it. Write it in it. Is that where it puts it? Where's a suggestion box where we can put this very good idea? That being, all right, this is, man, I'm having like real, I hope the comments are to me this week.

Whatever. We love you here. What are you talking about? You're a devil's advocate boy today. No, we like this. The single most like desired, elevated, wealthy, like high status icon in the world is just like not even trying hard. That is a tough proposition for like a dude.

I'm saying like, oh, you didn't try hard while you were in your private jet. Like you only made a couple of blinky faces. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And of course little SpongeBob was just going to be trapped in her web. That's the thing. I do believe that she didn't try very hard. No, I blame Spong. I do blame Spongob, though.

I do blame the one that has the child with the woman that he was in the relationship with. Yeah. But. Ain't nobody got babies in a B's a SpongeBob. You're right. You know, if you're barely trying, I'm like, yeah. I mean, you're right about that, man. Yeah.

Let's go to a Biza. All right. More caviar sponge bob is like, I wish you would call me Ethan, but fuck, oh, God. All right, and our final blind. Our major A minus list, multi-talented celebrity is no spring chicken. She qualifies for Medicare. But she does everything in her power to look years younger than she is. For her, image is everything.

Her latest boyfriend is young enough to be her son or maybe even grandson, and she parades. him around like a designer handbag. Needless to say, she was horrified to discover he had a sidepiece and is using the money she gave him to finance his secret romance. The kicker, her lover's sidepiece was another man. Our gal felt like a fool since she usually has a... Happy pride! That's not the most upsetting thing at all, I think.

Oh, okay. Well, no, no, I mean, you know what? You should be happy then. Acknowledgement to the beards out there. You are valid. You are seen. This is your month too. It takes all of us, okay?

We all have to work together to celebrate bride together. This line, again, guys, remember, I do not write the blinds. Our gal felt like a fool since she usually has impeccable gaitar. But this one slipped through the cracks. She doesn't want the public embarrassment of this story coming out. So she is gradually cooling things, which is why you don't see them together as much as before. Well, then I know it's not who I originally thought. I thought you were going to say that maybe the announcement of the wedding was in a way of like, oh, let's not look at Shares'

relationship. And is that no? It is. Really? MJ, but they're getting married. And I think it's all a distraction because he's cucking share with a man. I can't believe that their relationship. You believe that you love, man. Yeah, man. God, I hope. She's strong enough. I bet when she found out her boyfriend was gay, she wish she could turn out back to. Oh, God. You know, I'm sad because I was excited for her.

I was like, look at her planning another wedding. Hell yeah, get to it, bitch. Yeah, all right. She's 80 and he's 40. And I thought to say, because you sent this article this week about how they're planning a wedding. And I thought, well, they're planning a wedding. I thought at least he's 40, so it's not like, you know, if he's under 25, we have like a Leo situation.

For the record, 40 and 80 does not pass the half plus seven tests. It does not. No, it's weird. It's certainly weird, but it doesn't seem. Although, at our age, how do you feel about, I feel 80 strange? How do we feel about 80 strange? I think I'd. Once you're 80 years old, no law applies to you anymore.

Yo. You made it this far. go like what, like what do you, who's going to get killed by an 80 year old? That's on Uber. Now that's a reason to be with an eight year old. I'm quoting a pan-a-a-law bit. Never mind. Oh, okay, all right.

I think that the lonely law should be that you can't date anyone younger than 40. You know, I think 40 has to be the floor. Okay. I did think, I thought, well, this guy, while I was reading the article about their wedding, I thought, this guy must love her. And then I thought, this guy must want her money. And I'm now leaning a little bit toward if it is true that he is having a size. piece. It is perhaps that he

thinks he can get her money, but Cher's not dying anytime soon because she's vibrant. Yeah, man. She looks great. Is she vibrant or is she just tightened? Yeah. Yeah. Of yes and.

Is it vitality or just clips on the back of her body? Whatever it is, she's doing it and it looks great. And whatever it is that's going on with my eyes, I can see again. Welcome back. Thank you.

I'm really happy that you came back and, you know, I am, I will throw it out there that I'm not surprised that we didn't get into the Pope declaring that being against AI and how AI is against, you know, that, you know, replacing humanity is bad. I did want to throw it out there that the name of the document is the Magnifica Humanitas and I think that that sounds rock and roll. That's cool. even though I am not supporting anything by organized religions, but it's just... Sounds like something a character in Warhammer would yell before launching a space. I just feel like that's a really rock and roll fucking thing. And now we can, I will say, someone in our chat made the joke that you can say,

using AI is against my religious beliefs. So we can pepper that in if you need to, if you don't want to use AI and you're being forced to. If you told me as like a fucking Reddit ass, or not, I guess back then it was a dig-ass atheist that in 2026, I would legitimately believe Google fucking sucks ass and the Pope is like fucking awesome. And then like the Pope is not as bad of a Pope as the popes are usually. I fucking hate Google and I love the Pope. It's like I would not hear that coming out of my mouth if you had told me I was a teen. Right.

Yeah, but he's right. You got to hand it to the Pope. When he's right, he's right. And he likes Portillo. So you know that he's got good. hot dog recommendations talking about the Pope. Anyway, it is time for Jackie Snackies. I've been a snackie girl. Snacky. I've been a snackie girl. Snacky. I've been a snackie girl. Snacky. I've been a snackie. Snacky. Is somebody going to eat those chips? Is somebody

going to dip those dips? Is somebody going to try those candies? I got seminar. They say I'm a snack lead. No, Jake, I did have a naughty and a nice snacky. And I was, okay, yes. So what is the, is naughty and nice like one's like unpleasant or is unhealthy? Where is the moral spectrum right now? Well, I'm going to not tell you. Oh, okay. Yeah, just, I would hold him a dress, stick weird things in my mouth.

I get it. It's fine. It's Jackie's world. I triggered Mike last week with a pickle. So, you know, who's? knows what's next. Now, I think that you're, I think I'm going to only choose one. Do you want nice? Do you want naughty or do you want nice? Jackie, I trust your instincts. I trust your razzle, whatever you think will make better radio. And then, and then Jake gets to guess, is it,

don't tell him. You give it to him. And then he gets to guess, is it naughty or is it nice? Okay, I love, I do love that. Okay. It was either like a beautiful, another like Japanese, like pastry or just like pig nuts. I'm sorry, it's not pig nuts, but it is popping pickle gumpers. Strawberry milk, smash. You hit me with the goddamn guppers again. We got more guppers in the chat. More more more guppers in the chat.

We got to try all the guppers. Did you not learn your lesson? No, I didn't. You know the guppers are fucking awful. This is, I was so distracted. I was at the world market. I saw that they had guppers. And I was just like, oh, God, more guppers.

I needed to see what flavors they had. The only flavors they had were strawberry milk splash and popping pickles. And if you're wondering if popping pickles, if it's a, juicy, sour, pickle artificial-flavored center with a sweet pickle artificial flavor gummy candy on the outside.

How the fuck is there artificial it's vinegar? What do you mean artificial pickle? It's salt and vin, these are not how, they're not, that's more work.

It's more work to find artificial pickle than to just put the pickle stuff in it. Oh, that's a crime against humanity. Don't think too hard about it. Wait, this isn't the wax ones too. You really, I don't know what was up your guss at that.

This was the naughty. I was a hate machine. This was a naughty. I was assuming this is the naughty one. This is the naughty one if you were wondering. I just, again, go and look, look at the branding of this. While soon we are going to have page seven full and live up on video coming soon. But today, I will be, you know, whenever you go over, follow last pod network over on the

Instagram. pictures of us with our snacks so you can see the packaging because the way that the and I will put a close up picture of the burst of the pickle and the burst of the milk. I would try the pickles if I was there. I would rather try the pickles than strawberry milk splash. Those three words, I don't want them together. No, you put some skim milk powder away or whatever. Yeah, I'm going to start with the strawberry milk splash.

Now let's see. Oh, they are in the shape of. Oh, God. How did they even do this, MJ? Whoa. I assume it's like a loose gelatin mix. And then they just like cook it in the plastic, but not all the way. So the inside is still gross.

Does it look like a little? It is a milk carton. And it just, oh God, it's so big, Jake. Yeah. It's just such a big thing to chew. There's like a milk label, but it's printed on the plastic. You peel it open in a very tight plastic clam. I am looking at it right now.

Oof. Well, one of the ingredients is beef gelatin, so that's fun. Oh, awesome. Oh, that's good. That's collagen. That's good for the skin. Good for the skin. Okay, so let me take.

Oh, the most intense punch of art of it. If I could take a picture. He's sad. He's crying. Why do you look so sad, Jake. Gummy liquid filled poppers. I'm nervous that it's going to. Oh, no, there's two halves.

Interesting. Oh, wait. What? All right. Sorry, I might have to actually. Girl on the milk card. Actually, I did this out. It is powerful artificial strawberry.

I'm sorry, Jake. Oh, with my powerful manhands? I need your manhands. Only something a boy mom would understand. This is why I need boys around to open up all my guppers for me. Then it goes without saying you're going to need me to open the pickle. Oh, you know you're going to have to pop that pickle. This one's tough.

Just not I'm sure that other listeners are struggling right now. What is it that you're opening? So it is. There you go. Oh, thank you. It is a, the, it is shoved into, and I'll take, I'll have the pictures posted so everyone can see the actual, like, picture of it, of how we had to jimmy this open. Oh, God, it's so big. My hands have gotten so sticky just holding this thing.

All right, we're eating it, we're eating it. Like, I'm just so, you've already opened the bag. You have an individual candy in your hand, and now you need Jake to open the individual candy. What could it mean? Oh. Oh. Okay. You know what?

Not as bad as I thought. Wow. It's so much more. milk than I thought. It's shaped like a milk carton, Jackie. What did you expect? The inside is just pure corn syrup. It's just an oversized gusher.

This is a more hydrated gummy. Oh, don't say that. So it's like softer. It's like not a marshmallow, a little bit firmer than a marshmallow, but definitely like softer than a harry bow creation. The top of the Guppers website has a banner warning that says

guppers are heat sensitive. Keep it a cool, dry place. Honestly, just cheap whatever gummy candy. Nothing to write home about the milk. The strawberry flavor is horrific. Wow. It is a fake plastic strawberry. The goosh is...

It's just corn syrup. You're right. It is just corn syrup. Like there's barely even any like strawberry flavor. But I do feel like, is the milk? Is that just in my brain? Are you not getting milk? I wasn't getting that much. There's like a little bit.

of a, like the strawberry isn't as sharp. So I guess the milk is like buffering it, but whatever. Let's just do the pickle now. Blame it on the juice, baby. Blame it on the juice. Oh, God. Yeah, take that rib and put it on a flute. This says gummy first and then a juicy burst. Again, I think that this is how she got people into the donkey show in Amsterdam.

She said, don't worry. a gummy first and then there's a juicy burst, but they didn't know where the banana was going to be coming from. They didn't know where they were like, oh, is it going to come down from the sky? Like, is there going to be some sort of like entrance? The pickle,

they are doing some like texture work on this. The green is like modeled that's, they're speckling. Is this on the plastic or is this on the candy itself? Show me that pickle, Jake. Jake really approaches Jackie's snackies with the utmost like reverence for the items. You know, he's

examining it. He's No, you're the best. It's an audio medium. I got a, I paint a world with words. Oh, my pickle's got a hole in it. My pickle is like malformed. It's like a preemie pickle. Can't have says enough how weird it is to see you guys struggling to open a candy you have already taken out of a bag.

Why is the candy in cliquest and plastic? Oh, wow. They really, the coloring, they are like, wow. There's an umbrella. If you put, if you like, stood this perfectly still, put a little tooth book in it and there's like, oh, cornichon. Like, somebody might actually get fooled by this. Oh, my little impressive.

Pickle! That's upsetting. Oh, oh. They're just smelling it, guys. Sorry, man, hands. It's sickly sweet, but does have like a vinegar bite. Because again, remember, there is a sweet pickle artificial flavored gummy candy surrounding the juicy, sour pickle artificial flavored center.

I do hate a sweet pickle also. Yeah. Oh, really? I hate a girk bread and butter. Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow, it does. Ew. Oh, Jake, you didn't talk about the texture.

The scent is filling. Oh, Jake. It's a flaccid penis. It's the exact size and buoyancy of a flaccid penis. It's so much more wet than I expected. I mean, my flaccid penis is silky and wondrous. I'm sure it is. I just imagine other men.

I can hear it from here. Yeah. It's going, hello, Ellen, Texan the old man. Actually, my penis has a mid-Atlantic accent. Oh, okay. Oh, sorry. Let me out, now, Jake. Can get me on the railways.

All right. If you'll excuse me, I got a bite a pickle. Oh. I said I would try it if I was in studio, but I think I'm lying. I don't think I want to. Huh. You know what? This is better than the strawberry.

It's better than strawberry. The vinegar tang, like, actually is an interesting flavor. Like, it's got a cucumber-y kind of essence to it. this is not the worst thing I put in my mouth today. Wow. Really? That's why you should be thanking me that I started with the strawberry milk splash. Yeah, the strawberry is like way more upsetting.

This doesn't have the goosh that the strawberry one does. This is more of just overall wet. It's just wet all the way through. Like it's sticking to my fingers. I'm going to take a picture of the aftermath so everyone has to. to look at it. Pickles are wet, you know, it's realistic. I'm so horrified by the idea of putting that on a pickle plate, Jake.

My fingers have like, they smell like I'm in the worst hipster pastry shop you've ever been. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because nobody's taking showers and we can smell it. This was horrible, and I'm sorry that I chose the naughty for both of us, but I did. If you like a bit of novelty in your chewy fruity, I think the- These guppers. The pickle is actually an interesting, like, change of pace. And also, if you really want to horrify your friends, honestly, y'all, get to guppin.

These guppers are, like, now I've seen them at, so I saw them at World Market, now I've also seen them at the Five Below. I feel like all Five Below sells now is guppers. When I go in there, it's just aisles and aisles of guppers. It is, and I know that I've said this on here before, but it's crazy. If you like chewy fruities, get your ass to five below, dude. They got all of it. Yeah.

Wow, hydrolyzed cow bones and corn syrup in every shape you could imagine. And a bunch of different guys of Swedish candies. Mm. All right. Is it my turn? No, I see it, and I want it a snout. Down to the beggars where I mean. I never know what I'm fine.

Try something new. It might blow my mind. Hello, spicy, hello crunch. It's, Manny Munch. My, ma, mama. Minut Munch. Hello, Dill. You're my wild thrill.

It's Mammes. Mimimunch. Minut munch. Minut munch. Minut munch. Oh, dude. It's your turn. Okay.

I have found some experimental pringles. They are everything bagel pringles. Jake, does it make you miss New York? everything Bagel No, seeing all the Nix fans go absolutely feral in the streets like hyped up zombies

That made me miss in New York Congratulations It's important They needed this Ballation Yeah this week's gonna be fun Oh my god with the kids Yeah yeah

What was it? Like abolishing bedtime Abolishing bedtime So that the New York kids Could watch the Nix Oh no no You don't like everything bagel Wait what is his face

Immediately. Immediately, I was questioning this because the pringle, like, it has to, like, it won't, the seeds wouldn't fit in the pringalification process. So, like, whatever, like, they had to use some kind of weird powder. Like, the ratios cannot be wrong. What is happening right now in your mouth, MJ? Sometimes it works. You know, last week I had, or two weeks ago, I had French onion soup, wavy layers, and they were fantastic. I'm still eating out. This, it's, I think the problem is they're trying to get the cream cheese flavor. incorporated in with the bagel. And I don't want that. That's why they call it everything botta, all right? That's why we call it

everything botta. Yeah. So are you getting... Are you getting... Are you getting, like, garlic? Like, what is... It tastes like a pringle that was like

left near a bucket of cream cheese for a really long time. That's the best I can do. Oh, wow. This will not be given out to people who come into my home. Pringles have fallen. so hard, I swear to God.

They used to be special. The duck billing, everything. Like, Pringles was a party in a can, and now it is, like, depression food. They've been really coming out with crazy flavors, though. And so I haven't been trying all them, like the everything bagels.

I have the seven-layer dip. I'm going to save for next week. Whoa. That might be good. That might actually work. I also just got a Hawaiian Barbecue Prangles as well. Like, it's like that,

so, which I also, is it going to taste any different from a regular barbecue chip? There's only one way to find out. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I like a pizza pringle. Again, we had those back in our day. Like, weird.

I'm not against a weird flavor, as I have evidenced here, but this is foul. Do not get the everything thing. That just ain't it. That just ain't it. All right. Well, this, you know, I'm glad. See again, guys,

we experiment here so you don't have to. So you don't have to waste your money on these things. Or if you want to waste your money, Guppers is really quite the way to upset people in your life and in fact I am gonna have more snacks next week that are gonna upset people in your life as well

How are we doing on time? We gotta get out of here. We gotta get, ah. Why, what you got? Bow wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. This is a song for the dry and thirsty. I'm so, so fucking thirsty.

It's my swing On Jakey's Slakesh Yeah I'm going to drink something that's fakeies Yeah Doesn't have a drink and drink it live Jakey Slakes Yeah man my mouth is like an open highway

Yeah I think you guys deserve Put in my mouth You deserve to have a different flavor in your mouth Than the guppers Honestly you know what's still stand in strong even post poppin pickles, it's that strawberry milk splash. It's still in there. Well, let's keep this milk train going. Because Jackie, I'm always saying that. What is one of the most comforting glasses a child can have, maybe in a brown carton around lunchtime?

Milk. What kind of milk? Chocolate. Oh, it's amazing. It's like melted ice cream, a classic treat. Maybe, were you a Hershey syrup or a quick... I was a quick bitch. I was a quick bitch as well. I can say it. she said it. Yeah, you can. But the problem is, nowadays, you got to watch your macros. You got to, you know, be tight. You got to keep it lean.

Oh, no, you're giving me healthy milk? Slate is taking the chocolate milk game to the 21st century, offering 20 grams of protein. Lactose-free, so don't worry, you weird poopers. You weird poopers! They're putting protein in too many things. He's posing with the milk. And get this 100 calories. That's it?

That's amazing. For that, all that milk? MJ, I can't believe you didn't say that with me. For all that milk. Only two net carbs, one gram of sugar, and all the chocolate milk taste you will love. Of course, healthy chocolate milk. Now, if I'm trying to be healthy, someone would say, just don't drink chocolate milk or drink chocolate milk once and be done with it.

Slate said fuck that. Fuck that. I will say, confession, I drink a glass of chocolate milk most nights. That's your end of the night treat? Yeah, that is my nighttime treat is I get the Fair Life chocolate milk and I have a glass of chocolate milk every night. We know this. Does Fair life have ultra-filtered skin milk, cellulose gel, actin, monk fruit? Oh, good, it's got gel in it?

I was hoping that it was going to be, like, chunky. Well, cellulose is, I mean, it's villainized, but it's just vegetable fiber. Oh, good. Oh, is this like bran all over again? Put it in the milk. Stevia leaf and lactose, lactase enzyme. So again, you'll poop normal style. Wow.

I'm ready to shit with you, brother. Finally, chocolate milk, that's good for you. Horrendous. Oh, my God. Watery swill. Oh, my God. That's the worst thing we've had today. Oh my God.

It's the worst we've had. I taste metal. I taste metal. This is horrible. This is so fucking terrible. I didn't know they could make chocolate milk this bad. It is the, that is an abomination. And this is coming from two people that were raised.

What do you say you had? I was also quit. You know, like it's like I had Molly McButter and I'm still saying this. Crystal Light in the film. Oh, yeah. I was just talking about Crystal Light because I just got sugar-free liquid. IV ring pop flavor. They had it at the Costco.

And it's delicious. And it makes me think of we used to call it red. And that was the name of the crystal light that we would make at my mom's house. And me and all my friends, we would make gallons and gallons. We would just call it red. I don't know what flavor it was. And we drank it like it was going out of style. And now thinking back, I'm like, what was that?

What was it when we were drinking? I drank a gallon. of it, you know, back when we weren't drinking water. So I would say you know, it tastes healthy. There's like an initial first millisecond where you're like

oh yeah. It's like Yoohoo. Yeah, yeah. It's like Yu-hoo or yeah, really like thin skin milk, chocolate milk and then just all the chemicals come rushing it. Because I'm also not a huge Yu-hoo person and I, like, I feel like you is a that's a chocolate drink that's very

different than chocolate milk. And I feel like this is given you who. Oh, yes, absolutely. You add too much protein in it. You add a couple more calories in here. We need something in it. But I like that you can taste all the chemicals. It's uncanny.

I feel like I can feel it on the different sections of my tongue. Each one of my teeth feels different now in its own unique way. My body is rejecting this so hard. I know I was going to keep drinking it. My body, as I put it up to my face, my body was like, no. I think about the strawberry milk splash you were just drinking. All right. Jake, I guess I am, my slake is slated.

Slated and stated and slucked and ducked. Thank you. I appreciate it. And I appreciate the song that you sang for us. I really, I was feeling it. And, MJ, thank you for, wow, I guess we, this was a big, big whiff here today. And I'm not talking about the stuble. I still say the pickles are worth

checking out. They are worth checking out. If you want to feel like how wet something can be inside of a plastic container and be shocked by it. Definitely get these gubers. Which I don't even know if this is nice. But the nice one,

which you can still try after this. We have to end of the show. Is the new firecracker cup Oreos that I'm. I know things are actually going to be any good. Rock and pop Oreos. And so I am curious about those, but those are for another time. Yeah, you've got a weird definition of nice, Jackie. I certainly do. And I really wanted to watch you eat that little wet pickle, Jake. And I'm glad that I got the opportunity. Thank you all for joining us on this week's episode of page seven. Jake, thank you as always. You are definitely one of our favorite guests here. Where can we find you? Please listen to the Nerd of Mouth podcast wherever you find it. We just did an episode I led about the weird zombie existence of the Sunday funnies as they are still exist in newspapers across the country.

Really? Is it get fuzzy still going? I'm not sure. Pearls Before Swine's still going. Wow. Really? I saw the promo for this episode and I was like, I think I actually need to listen to that because this is a fascinating topic. Wait, family circle isn't still going. Oh, it's his grandson running it now.

of shit. Oh, that shit. Eaton. We get into it. We get into it. It's a literal comedy graveyard. And of course, if you like my certain brand of Razzle-Dazzle, check out Twitch. TV slash puppet Jared.

That's the name of my cute little V-Tuber avatar. And on Thursdays, 7 p.m. Eastern, it's the cartoon dumpster, my flagship stream, where we watch gonzo cartoons from the 80s, 90s, and 2000s, and make fun of them and just kind of stare in horror at what passed for children's television back when we were kids. Hell yeah. And it was, as we talk about often here on page seven, man, the 90s and 80s, it was just a hellscape that we were, but also isn't today. So it's kind of nice that some things never change.

Just like me, my name's Jackie Zabrowski, and some things never change like my Instagram handle, Jack that Worm. Go give me a follow over there and get to the link in my bio and sign up. Get on the wish list for Monster Match. Yes, Monster Match, the cryptid fuck game that I'm writing with my husband. And it is soon we are going to be having demos coming out soon. So you want to be on that wish list. Go to the link in my bio and take the quiz to find out,

are you a moth man or are you a Bigfoot or are you a chute? And let me know when you find out because I want to know who everybody's going after to make sure that we have enough to share. But don't worry, we're just starting with three. You think there's not going to be many things for you to fuck in this game? Oh, there will be. But also, check out our Patreon. Speaking of things to fuck, just the Patreon in general, just you can visualize it as a human.

And you can, you know, the brain is an amazing thing. We hate these women. We hate these people. We hate these people. Yep. And we don't want to support them. And we don't want to enable their life. and their creative output and all that they bring into the world.

And especially we don't want even more quality content from them that we could spend hours upon hours of listening to as a constant companion in our daily lives. We don't want that. So you should not go to the Patreon. Yeah, then don't go to the Patreon because I will say this Patreon will keep you company. Do you need many hours of things out of this Patreon? Many hours. Five dollars a month, dude.

I mean, you can get so, so, so much many, many years of extra content over on there. So go on and check it out. Patreon.com slash page seven podcast, MJ? We love your emails, page seven podcast at gmail.com. We love all of you guys. Thank you. You are the best. I missed everybody last week.

And Jake, we love you the most. Thank you so much for coming on and come back soon. Anytime. I did want to just throw in real quick. I completely forgot next week, next Thursday. Bitchathon. YouTube.com slash at Who's the Bee? Come live Thursday, June 11th. We are going to be taking your calls live. Come hang out on the porch with us because we're going to be drinking. Oh my God. I just got a bunch of

new soccer themed buzz balls that they're selling. So definitely check out the Pitchathon next week because Karen I'm going to be getting drunk and we want to hear from you. So again, thank you so much Jake for joining us. Thank you so much, MJ. Everybody, have a lovely week, and we will be back tomorrow with Second Helmings. Bye, everybody. Bye. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors, you can support our shows by supporting them.

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