Page 7 - They Shot Orlando Bloom's Exwife Into Space w/ Jake Young

Episode Date: July 3, 2025

Everyone's favorite Not Like The Other Nerds-Nerd, Jake Young, is back again to delve into the HAWT GOSS' of the sunsetting of global capitalism a la very tacky, very out of touch Bezos Billionaire wedding. Clip art butterflies included.WW3 might be around the corner, but SHUT UP IT'S FASHION TIME! Guests at the wedding once more reminding everyone that 'Money Can't Buy Ya' ClAsSsSSsSSSS (elegance is earned)'The invitations? Tacky. The outfits? Tacky. The guest list? Tacky. But Orlando Bloom was there provin' he don't walk the talk (but he was takin' walks with Sydney Sweeney between her dancin' with Tom Brady!!), and Katy Perry wasn't, AND THEY'VE OFFICIALLY SPLIT! Which has Jackie and MJ feelin' a bit bad as her life unfolds around her. HOPE YA DID YA HOMEWORK! We're talkin' 'bout them red baggers on Trainwreck: Poop Cruise. Then it's time for everyone to be let down and reminded what reality tv REALLY IS, as the newest Golden Bachelor proves it might not be 'all men', but FUCK the ones that are! Then we've got 'Celebrity Controversies That Vanished From Public Memory, But These Fans Are STILL WEIRDLY FIXATED ON THEM!', Blindz, Jackie's Snackies Starts at 1:13:38.721 and ends at 1:25:52.811!!!Want even more Page 7? Support us on Patreon! Patreon.com/Page7Podcast  Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Summer Diddy going out to Jake Young. Don't you put Summer Diddy on me? I know, no, not that kind of Diddy. T-A-T-Y. No, it's a different kind of D-T-Y. It's tainted. The Diddy is tainted. Oh, no, there's no baby oil.

No, there's not a second, not a slip of baby oil. No, I was going to steal your sunshine, Jake. I know. It's up for me. see her eyes a try making so I'm not and so deep if you like it's a dada la don't it was a did it was a different ditty. Okay, yes, no, that was a good ditty. Is that land?

When is a ditty, not a ditty? What is a ditty? Jake. Welcome to the show. Oh, I'm just so upset that you thought she was talking about that diddy. Just a little Irish day. It's a nice word. And but we're welcoming him back anyway, even though he immediately disappoints. He is, he's the co-host of Nerd of Mouth. You guys heard him just a few weeks ago talking about horse girls and people love him so much. We brought him right back. Everyone, please welcome back Jake Young. It is so nice to be here. How do we feel about songlet? Can we just, can we switch to songlet? Okay, ditty is spelled D-I-T-T-Y. It is a word

that pre-day and it is, you can't take the word ditty away from us dandies, okay? We, the dandies need our ditties. That's true. I think I'm sorry, MJ, you have to say it. You can't take that away from me. I think if you're talking ditties, you got to put a little ditty on it. You'll never take the ditty from a dandy. And never you forget it, Jake Young. Fair enough. I apologize. I just got very scared very quickly.

But I see it was all in good faith and camaraderie shit. I mean, listen, who else could we have on to talk about the sunsetsetting of global capitalism in the form of a wedding than Jake Young? I mean, we here at page 7, we talk about pop culture. And it's a real weird time. Not to, you know, Diddy is one of those reasons. Oh, there's a lot out there about Diddy, if you want to read about it. It's out there. It's out there.

Oh, the trial is trial and out there. It's out there. And we also find ourselves in this interesting moment this week after about two weeks of zero pop culture news because of everyone's word about World War III, whatever. We have now moved on. Did that just break your spirit to even say that in jest, MJ? I feel like I just watch the light leave your eyes for just a blit. That's how you know the spirit's already broken because I'm like, whatever, World War III, moving on,

now we're all supposed to be looking at the dresses because now it's a real kind of gilded age moment. Yes, the rest of the nation is talking about income inequality. It is reaching a real point of that. We are living in laymiz right now in so many ways. It's right. really giving like, it's giving like parades and guillots right now. I feel like out there, like watching everything that is going on. And then it really is this like forced level of like, but did you see Leonardo DiCaprio was at the wedding?

Didn't we all see. It's so like, honestly, to such a cartoonish level that it's kind of becoming funny. It's, there's a, there's a, this, I have to credit this to my beautiful partner, Marie, who, like, really laid this out to me when all this has been happening this week. Like, the fall of Anna Wintor, all of the, like, haphazardness of this Bezos wedding, the ill-fitting dresses, the, the gray carpeting. The pajamas. The, like, hodgepodge guest list of, like. The wedding invitations? Did you guys see the invitations that everybody?

If you look up Bezos wedding. invitations. It essentially it is not only tacky because they're talking about like, don't worry, don't bring gifts, but you know, we're going to be giving money to these organizations. But also, for some reason, they've

got like, it looks like little, like, something that like Clippy would have put on a document. Oh my God, of butterflies. Yeah, no. Right? This is like, these are either like woodblock stamps in a great world, but yeah,

this is some clip art as kind of arranges. So it says, we are excited for you to join us. We have one early request. Please, no gifts. Instead, we're making contributions in your honor and with gratitude to you for making the journey to celebrate with us in Venice. By the way, they did, like, rent out the entire city. Donations on your behalf are being made to the UNESCO Venice office to safeguard the city's

irreplaceable cultural heritage to Corrilla to restore the vital lagoon inhabitants that protect Venice's future and to Venice International University to support research and education for sustainable solutions. Meanwhile, they're all taking PJs to get there. This magical place has gifted us unforgettable memories. I'll hope is that through these efforts and by you joining us, Venice will continue to inspire wonder for generations to come. It sounds like they're giving the gift of Venice to the world. And then you're going to give me a clippart ass dragonfly.

Don't forget loose feathers. Yes. It's nice, I guess, that they're like investing in Venice, the place that they are harvesting for this wedding. But like, also strange to be like, all of our gifts will go to Venice. You guys live in the United States. Most of the people you're inviting to the wedding are from the United States. Well, you're not going to invest shit in the United States.

That's, I guess, you know what I mean? Good. It's nice to invest in the canals of Venice so that you can keep vacationing there. But rent, you know what? Rent the city. You know what? Yeah, I rent it. And, like, there's just been so many protesters.

And it's so, like, I feel like I'm gagging out on the spoon over here of it. where it is so, like, they're like, put the Kardashians. Okay. That is. That's, it's the tackiness. It is the sheer artlessness of the proceedings that really truly like are the recession indicator. Are you talking about the foam party or the pajama party that was after it?

Oh, the guest list, the, the theme parties, the fact that like they made a big public spectacle and just like dared protesters to come yell at them. The fact that they like, I'm looking at an article now. they say they gave like $50 million to Venice through like who knows like what tax writeoffs they managed to do for that. But like just everything from the outfits to the guest list to everything like rich people used to know you do a little private ceremony on like a little island. You take some nice pictures and you don't like you don't make yourself like this big like flamboyant

attraction or like because you're not the hero. You're not like the person people want to see. You're not like the it couple. You're not like you're, they brought in like, well, who the, why the fuck was Leonardo DiCaprio there? Why the fuck were, I know they shot Orlando Bloom's ex-wife into space. So maybe that's why he was there. I can't believe Orlando Bloom was there and not her. What the hell is up with that?

Let's talk about that. D, I, V, O, R C, A. It's divorce, everybody. It's divorce. He has happened. A divorcee has begun. Orlando Bloom. Henry, I think it's very funny because sometimes you forget that siblings see you in a snapshot in time.

And Henry thought that I'd be very excited because Legolas is finally on the market. And he was so excited for me. And I was like, Henry, I appreciate. I was like, I know that. I was in love with Legalis. I'm not in love with Orlando Blue. Oh, you didn't go through an Elizabeth Town phase? Is that what I understand?

I bring up Elizabeth Town every time. You know I went through an Elizabeth Town phase. You know I did. We always welcome an Elizabeth Town reference here. Thank you and welcome, Jake. Very welcomed here alongside like a Bridges of Madison County reference. If you ever want to sprinkle that in, I'll always accept it. Yes, we love movies here.

are intended for women born in the 1950s. That is... Oh, my God. That is what we're doing here. How to make an American quilt? Don't get me started. I'm not going to go down that road, even though I really...

Oh, I'm starting to think... Stop it, Jackie. Man, the brain can sometimes just spiral into other things. Wait, are you mid-like... I'm not still into Orlando Bloom, and now you're just kind of like, well... You think about the entire body of work. Yeah, and then I was just, you know,

it's a place that some... Sometimes, like, you know when you, like, uncover a chest in the darkness of your mind and you hear the creak? And then you go like, you know what? Not right now. And I closed it back up. I want to talk about Katie Perry, not, I guess, being invited anymore to the Bezos Lauren Sanchez's wedding, I guess. He, according to what we, the goss that we got on this very show a couple weeks ago is that he was mad at her. One of the reasons for the divorcee was that he was like,

don't go to space with Jeff Bezos. Don't go to space with Jeff Bezos. Going to look bad. Don't go with Lauren Sanchez. It's going to look bad. Don't do the Bezos thing. You're going to tank your reputation, which is already hanging on by a thread.

And then she did it, and he was right. So this is what I want to know. Why is he at Bezos's wedding, Orlando? I thought you had values. I thought you had pride. And now, and I think she wasn't there because she's in Australia on tour. He sucked the pride out of his dick after he washed the dishes. After he loaded the dishwasher.

We all know it. Yeah. She gives BJs for doing the dishes, allegedly, Jake. So, which we think is just one of those things that she says to make herself sound like a hot, fun wife, you know? Because obviously not that hot, that fun of a wife if you're getting divorced. Maybe he's just really bad at, at, maybe there's just a man. It's like, I also receive sex for doing basic domestic chores, but I'm really good. at domestic chores and she's really good at sex.

So it's like, there you go. Yeah. You play to your strengths. It goes hand in hand. And listen, if you're currently getting divorced, you are a hot fun wife. Okay? I did not mean to insult you. I did not mean to insult you.

You're a hot fun wife who blows your husband really well. You're just talking about this specific hot fun wife. This hot fun wife went to space with Jeff Bezos's wife and not, that's not hot and not fun. And there's no one. I think what the boner killer that is watching your wife do a very very very Manity Project in space, no amount of dishwashing BJs can get that boner back, although that was what I thought when I thought that Orlando Bloom had integrity. And now I see him at Jeff Bezos's wedding having a great time. And now I don't understand why they divorced.

I really don't. Also, I'm sorry, you said dishwashing BJs. And I just, maybe it's the monster fucker that lives inside of me. But I just imagined, like, an anthropomorphic dishwasher given a blowjob to, like, I don't know, the broom. And he's like, I don't even know where the dependage came from, but I guess they're sucking on it. But it's probably getting cleaned while it's happening. It was a very like beauty and the beast type situation. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was a curse on this one-bedroom apartment. Is it a curse or is it a gift, Jake? It really depends on who is reading it. It depends on what they're getting. Tell us all the best. Yes. Hormness oldest.

Blah. Dishwashers and beech. And then he gets a splinter. God damn it. Now, I do think it's like the poor... I am starting to almost come full circle and start to feel bad for Katie Perry. Same.

Jake, we have been making a lot of japeries towards and aboutst the town of Katie Perry. Yeah. I mean, I saw the woman's world music video. She deserves some jokes. Exactly. Just a couple of jades. Exactly.

And you're lucky to be living in it. Nothing like, and you better think your lucky stars every second of every day that I allow you both to exist. Releasing a song saying that women are lucky to be living in it whilst reproductive rights are rewroted more and more by the day. She's just an out of touch pop star. And again, though, who are we now to point at her for being an out-of-touch pop star for the Bezos wedding? I just, I'm sorry, I think everyone who attended this wedding should get a scarlet letter.

But it's like a scarlet dollar sign. And we throw them out with the trash. Like, is there anyone we would miss? I'm sorry, Leo has been in the trash can for quite a while. He's been of a trash boy. And also, I do need to, I guess if we're going to be like, I guess I'm starting to maybe feel a little bit bad, I will. say that a source has said that Katie Perry was never going to the wedding. It has nothing to do with Orlando Bloom, even though everybody's talking about moonlit strolls that he had with Sidney

Sweeney. Everyone is talking about Sidney's Sweeney is. Everybody is talking about Sidney Sweeney. But I had to edit the blinds this week because so many of them were about Sydney Sweeney and they're giving differing information like she's sleeping with this person. It is. The rumor I heard was that it was just Jeff Bezos's, like, trying to make his horny 17-year-old son come to the wedding. Oh. That's what I heard. It's the only reason she was there. I mean, Tom Brady may have thought that the only reason she was there was to talk to him. Yeah. Yeah. Who knows. But here's the thing. We know how the PR machine, it churns and it gnashes. Like, we're never going to know properly. But I guess, like, or when you're a Bayes. question for the group. Is it like a, so Jake, we were recently reading Spare, Prince Harry's memoir. Do they, I guess this is a stupid as I'm asking it, it's like obviously they do.

They own what is said about them, right? Like they can make it be so, right? Don't, like, don't they have like a Superman in the daily planet level? of ability to control their narrative. So this is where it's all tied together is mainstream media outlets are like losing power. We just kind of, uh, the, the inertia of the way things are and the taste makers. I just started receiving Delish magazine, Jake. Yeah, I have started.

I'm trying to get back into real media, Jake. Media is thriving, Jake, but go on. In reality. And, you know, shout out to New York lefties, MJ. I know you're still doing victory laps. Like, it turns out that the united powers of just like newspapers and cable news and magazines and all of this stuff really falls by the wayside when just popular opinion coalesces out in the independent internet world.

And they are losing that grasp. And they are, in fact, like in this wedding, are proving their unfitness to the status and control that they demand. Yeah. So, again, this is tied to. to Anna Winter stepping down, that Vogue cover of Lauren Sanchez just in her stupid dress with all the stupid buttons. Right. Just like, here she is, everybody. It's Lauren Sanchez. Like, that's nothing. We don't want that. Nobody wants that. And like, so if the world of fashion and media and glamour and

celebrity doesn't reflect our own wishes and desires and instead just reflecting the people with money's desire, then they lost the cover and power that they relied on media and fashion and celebrity to hide behind. So everything's falling apart. This is, again, I cannot just as enough. Marie was the one who opened my eye on all this. With the wedding specifically? I'm with it. With the wedding being this focal point for like an actual breakdown in society in the way things are. It's representative of something. Totally. Yeah, we've been talking at page seven about how, yeah, like even even trying to like consume pop culture the way we always have is starting to feel weirder and weirder, you know, um, both because of, yeah, there's just kind of like closed

circle of like full blatant cruelty facilitated by the internet, but also an increasing level of out of touchness. Although may I please read a, uh, a bit of a black quote from the one and only Charlize's thereon on the Jeff Bezos wedding. I love, man. I, I love, man. I bowed down at the pedestal of Charlize their own. This is so good. Okay, so she said, I think we might be the only people who did not get an invite to the Bezos wedding. She told Hollywood Reporter, but that's okay because they suck and we're cool.

She continued on here in Los Angeles, in the U.S. and across the globe, we're moving backwards fast. Immigration policy has destroyed the lives of families, not criminals. Women's rights are becoming less and less every day. Queer and trans lives are increasingly being erased. and gender-based violence is on the rise. This isn't just policy, it's personal. To which she concluded her quote, yeah, fuck them. Yeah, fuck them.

Since when has a celebrity gone that hard against the it, the it like event, right? I mean, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe that shit happens all the time. But to me, it feels kind of monumental. Like, obviously there have always been celebrities that can go hard on specific politics. Like, Mark Ruffalo's always been pretty not afraid to go hard. but like to have to just. You're talking about Big Hulk?

Yeah. Go hard. Like when he's like when he gets big and green. Yeah. And you know you have. See, did you see my nerd things, Jake by the way that I'm pepperinan? Thank you. Honestly, Jackie.

This is the true nerd podcast on the last podcast. Thank you. We're just pretenders. But please. Please go off. No, it's just interesting to see. I don't know if this feels representative of a shift or I just feel like there's a shift happening because of what just happened in New York with the mayoral primary.

but it does, it's like watching somebody win who started with zero percent and no money and was funded his entire campaign through small donations of working class people while also watching the Bezos wedding. It just feels like, it feels like the Titanic when it's going under, under, under on one half and then it eventually snaps in half. We are at the moment right before the Titanic snaps in half. And maybe I'm also thinking about the documentary on the poop cruise that we're We also watched.

Oh, man. We can talk about that later. The train wreck of poop. No, I mean, that was quite an intro of just talking about poop crews. I need you to know that we were on like a nice, relaxing little, like, stay K, vacay for one of my good friends 40th. And I did get everyone to watch train wreck poop cruise to celebrate her birthday. Oh, that's nice. And I thought about you, MJ.

Just want you to know that last week, Jake, MJ was like, I need you to watch Train Rick Poop Cruise for this week. And we won't get into it too far right now because did you get to watch it? I did. Oh, you did. I watched it this morning. I did. I have thoughts.

I am ready. And by the way, this is still not. There is like cruises, there was a norovirus outbreak, lesionaires disease. like the cruises are, we are cruising for a fecal disaster. Oh, yeah. We, that's,

I thought that poop cruise was going to be about everyone getting norovirus. I didn't know it was going to be about a flood of shit. That's, there's been so many, I also going into it was like, oh yeah, wasn't there like a cruise that like everybody got like e coli or something? And nobody would take them in because it was an actual like pandemic like risk.

But no, this was a different time a bunch of people drowned in peepy, poop, um, instead of doing the macarena. For those of you that are wondering, so this is a new show on Netflix. It is called train wrecks. So that's why I thought that I was like, oh, God, did I just sign this up for like two hours or like a docu-series of poop crews? No, poop cruise is like 50 minutes because it's an episodic docu-series show.

There's going to be other train wrecks because we were wondering why is it called shipwreck, but it's because it's about other disasters. Who is the next one about? The next one's about Rob Ford. And Jeff was like, we got to watch the next one on Rob. Oh, that's fun. So I didn't get into that one yet.

But so Trainwreck Poop Cruise. Now, I, I guess sadly, had already seen a YouTube video on Poop Cruise. So I was familiar with the story. But man, really getting those visions.

and talking to the people, there's one dude on poop crews that I was like, I'm glad you were on poop crews. I wish you always were on poop crews. The one that was trying to get the father-in-law to like him. Awful, awful, awful. He was just giving.

I condemn him to poop crews for the rest of time. He was giving like, I'm an actor and I think this is my big break energy. And I was like, buddy, this is not about you. This is a documentary about the poop crews. Poop crews. We want to hear about the poop crew. We don't want to hear about your relationship with your father.

None of his shit paid off. Yeah. None of that paid off. I was like, oh, and now he's divorced because of the poop crews. Or like, oh, his mother-in-law died on the poop. Or his wife died on the poop cruise. Or like, you know, I was ready for some kind of poop shoe to drug. Thank you.

And his wife didn't die on the poop crew. Why am I listening to his fucking boring-ass dad-in-law story? I know. Who cares? Because I thought at least it was going to be like, and then he never saw his fiancee. ever again. Like, I needed that button and didn't get it with poop crudes. I know. That man was awful. And then his journey was just like being too upped out to poop in a bag.

Yeah, that's the other thing. I'm like, guys, just poop in a bag. Sorry, maybe it's because when you're a parent, you interact with human feces a little bit more than the average person, but like, just do it. It's not that big a deal. It's not even that so much. It's like, I think that I imagine, because of course, I was, I was throwing verbal, barbs at this man for absolutely no reason. To be fair, I didn't take to the internet, though. I wasn't writing comments at him. We're not commenting.

I was making, you know, a couple of jokes in my head that like, I, but then if you think about it, it's really the fact that if you're shitting in a bag on top of not being able to shower, on top of having no electricity, on top of like not having any food, on top, like everything else that's when, because I'm like, get over it, you're in a bag. Totally. Everything else, that is,

and what is really so crazy about poop crews is all this stuff keeps happening and it's just this. Escalating. Yes, it's like an improv game. Escalating. I used to play an improv game with my middle schoolers called Make It Worse

to like teach them how to make the stakes and it was so, and they were, oh, middle schoolers are born for this game, right? Oh, yeah. And so it's true. I admit that, And listen, that man, I'm sorry that I called him a bad man.

I'm sure he's fine. He just was said, he just was giving, he was acting like this was his documentary. And it was, it was the ship's documentary. But I did start off thinking, shit in a bag, no big deal. But then it is, it really is a make it worse situation where it escalated very quickly. And I think that ultimately, the psychological aspect of being trapped at sea is not one that I would enjoy. Although, obviously, many people do enjoy it. And listen, the footage of the poop crews before everything went to shit, so to speak,

looked like a lot of fun. Everyone's day drinking, everyone's dancing. Looks like all the things I like. A lot of what seemed to be a burly man or, like, Dadbod beauty contests, a lot of the footage was like heavy shirtless men like wiggling and having a good time. Oh, yeah. Clap for them. Sounds like my jams.

Sounds like sign me up. But then you watch poop crews. And then you start thinking about getting trapped at sea with all of it. And then how would you feel when, man, this, I feel bad that I was making fun of the, it's because I have father issues and watching the father take all the father wanted was to take his beautiful daughter on a cruise. He wanted a daddy daughter cruise. and all he got was shit carpets.

He was so sad and he cried a couple of times. And I just was like, imagine thinking that like, this is going to be the trip that saves our relationship. Like he didn't even say that. I made it all up in my brain of like, this is going to be in it. No, he said it. It seemed it. Yeah, the divorce happened.

I, like, wanted to make things right. experience with my daughter and then there's shit everywhere. And then when people, which is nuts to me that someone was talking about like, yeah, and I was sitting there and then all of a sudden I realized people are just fucking around me. And like, yo, all right, I don't get me wrong. I can get horny almost any time. I'm pretty sure I draw the line at poop crews. You say that, but this was during the open bar segment.

This was when the fucking Bacardi was flowing. Me and my sober husband, me just dirty and disgust me, like, give me a baby. Give me babies. Have me kiss. Which might be our last chance before the goals take us. I strapped a red bag to my ass. Don't worry. It's like a horse feed man, but the opposite.

The red bags. Jesus. Okay, but you know who's even a dirtier dog than Jackie would have been on the poop cruise? Whoa. The, yes, it's a segue. I want to talk about the old man who's going to be next on Golden Bachelorette season two, who doesn't want any old bitches in his dating pool because he doesn't understand the premise of the Golden Bachelor. It's about old people dating and he wants the old's out of there.

I was shocked at this story because I went, I didn't, I skipped around on the last or the first season. of Golden Bachelor and like, his whole deal was like, I do miss my wife, but I want to be, you know, I miss love again. And like her, his kids are like, you have to love again, dad. And all of these women are all like, oh, he actually seems to care about me. I don't know how to deal with. I just came here to promote my real estate scheme, but now. What if I have found love again?

So we watch the second season of the gold, so we watch the golden bachelorette with Joan. And I'm telling you, Jake, I'm crying through most of the episodes. Holden sending scream texts. Why are you making us watch this, Jackie? Because it's just nothing but old people talking about all the loss they have experienced. So much loss. I'm getting old enough to understand even slightly what that's like, you know. And so I get it.

You make it that long. God bless. It's the best case scenario. It's like when Dick Van Dyke said that he can't wait to die. What was his quote? He was like, I wish for death because everybody else has, everybody in his life has died, you know. And, you know, Joan is young and vibrant, certainly compared to 100-year-old Dick Van Dyke. But, like, she was just, oh, she's tight.

Tight. Oh, wow. Just, you know, aching with loss. I'm sorry. What is this name of this, this, this well-traveled tight woman? I just, for reference sake. Just put in Joan Golden Bachelorette. Yeah.

If anything, doesn't work out with Maria, do you want to find a tight, grieving woman. Oh, she's, I don't know. I mean, not to be like this. The harder to grieve, the easier to please. That's the old Jake saying. Oh my God. Are you joining me in my grief, my grief fluencer

age? Because that's really what I've been leaning into. No, I'm just like the world's shittiest black widower. I just, I don't even get with them. I just like knock at their door and be like, hi. Hi. I can listen to your problems and be really nice to you. But this. I can bend

over and lift things, but not a lot. Not a lot, and I've got to use my legs. The man who's going to be on season two of the Golden Bachelor, not to be confused of the Golden Bachelorette, is Mel Owens. He's 66. He's a former NFL player. And is it extremely ages of me that when I was picturing him as a football player, I was picturing like what football looked like in the way old time he days, you know,

when they were wearing. Oh, yeah, yeah, flappy leather helmet. Exactly. Like an old strong man where he's got a big cartoonish muscle. Yeah, like the leather uniforms and stuff. But he said... But it wasn't that long ago. It wasn't that long.

I don't think it was probably that long ago. He's only 66. It probably looked like normal football back then. But he... Oh, 66. Horrific age. How dare he be on the Golden Bachelor? They said, in the casting process, they said,

what are your preferences about, you know, the type of women that you like? And he said, 45 to 60. Bitch? You're 66. The show was called The Golden Bachel. You think the Golden Bachelor is about young bitches who want to date an older guy? Because that's a different show. That's a different show.

And also he did say, if they're 60 or over, I'm cutting them. Which I know he doesn't mean with a shiv. But it kind of sounds like he means with a shiv. Get out of you old. Get away from me. He said, oh, man, you can't. This is not the silver bachelor. This is the golden bachelor.

But they're going to be hot. Don't worry about it. don't worry about it. And this is what the producer told him. And the producer also said, you can't use the word cut. And he said, oh, it's an NFL term. Oh, fuck off. I love the producer being like, dude, the old ladies will be hot.

I promise the old ladies will be hot. You guys, this is a crisis of your own making. You are entering a show about old people dating. If you want to just set your Tinder profile to ages 45 to 60, go for it. I'm still going to roll my eyes at you if you're 66. but you are entering a world that is designed specifically to highlight hot, tight, older ladies. You know, 45-year-olds are our peers. They don't need to be going on the Golden Bachelor yet.

I immediately, now, this is a problem, you're going to have to win me over because you better be. He's got to be charming as hell, right, because he definitely has got the veneers that look like he's going to chop me like I'm a gummy. bear that he wants to rip the head off of. That's the other thing. Right. He's got that sport coat. Like he's got the bus cut, the sport coat with a shirt. It looks like he talks like this.

You know? Yeah, he looks like he talks in sports metaphors. And Jerry from season one, kindly. I want to say midway. It feels like he built his own house. Like it feels like a fucking rock solid man. Yeah, Jerry looked nice. And don't even bring up chalk.

I will say I know that. I feel like MJ and Holden had their issues with chalk, but I feel like he was a good man for Joan. All right, they're still together. Are they still together? Oh, I still follow them. Oh, yeah, they're still together. Good for them.

They're still making TikToks out there. Oh, yeah, the families are now all intertwined. Wow. Wonderful and beautiful to see, which is why I'm kind of upset. I'm a little low-key upset, guys, because I wanted to watch the Golden Bachelor, and I feel like maybe I can only

watch the golden bachelorette. Yeah. Maybe is that what it is? Because like I don't want to see all of these. Like I can't watch and be like, not time no. Too old. Right, right. Like I can't watch it.

We want to see, we want to see lovely older men debase themselves to be chosen by a lovely tight woman. And we don't want to see a bunch of older women be insulted by this old-ass football player. Joan is a queen. And she deserves the best. Which I'm not saying chalk is the best, but... Do you think this is a legitimate question that, like, it's ABC, has just, like, been off more they can handle, they're like, oh, fuck, we didn't do our, like, research?

Or is this, like, part of the great and shittification, like, a bad ending world we live in? That they're like, he's not your normal old man. He's a shitty one. Like, hate watch this old piece of shit. Like... Honestly, that's the best... Unfortunately. I think that that...

But even that... that is a better case scenario than what I think it is, which is just a profound distaste for the existence of older women in society, right? I think that we have as a society, we have the ability to thirst for older men, and we do not have that ability for older women, and it's unfair, and it's wrong. Don't worry, I'm taking up the helm. Don't worry, everybody. I'm down. I'm especially down for, like, an older woman that's, you know, if you're especially going be mean to me. I've got things to learn. And that's what I'm here for. So I'm trying, MJ. One slip at a time. I think that, I mean, I don't remember exactly what my initial reaction to the

Golden Bachelor was. I think I was skeptical. But I think that it's just like, I like the idea. Even Milf Manor, you know, I like the idea of letting women of an older generation be in the thirst for me position. But you're right, Jackie. I think it's when the women are getting thirsted, the older women are getting thirsty after it's very satisfying because it's not something we usually get to see. But if it's older women trying to win over a man,

we just don't, we want our older women to be free of trying to please a man, you know? Sorry, I didn't realize the second half of his comment, Mr. NFL, Golden Bachelor. He said, they've got to be fit because I stay in shape and work out and stuff. And I told them to try to stay away from the artificial hips and the wigs. Which two things that are not dependent on how much you go to the gym.

Those are, like, that is bone disease and just natural hair thinning. There is no amount of, like, broccoli and sit-ups that could affect that. Oh, I'm not watching this season. I can't watch this man. Oh, is that what he meant by artificial hips? I was like, is he talking about, like, plastic surgery? No, is he talking about hip replacement? No, hip replacements.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. Fuck off. We all, because that's, when we're talking about most dating shows and people say the men, it's always the men, almost always the men, sorry, who say she needs to be fit, she needs to be fit. We all know what that means. And so when he's, we need to be fit, like, okay, you're saying that you need them to be skinny. Okay, fine. But now he's also saying, once again, I don't want them to be old. Oh my God. Yeah, no, he, he, he, he's on the wrong show. But also, sometimes it's not even old that requires,

a hip replacement or requires a wig. It's like fuck off bro. Wow. Wow. Oh my God. He absolutely takes like Finestride and like has his own has had like plastic surgery like he absolutely you and you tell me this not that there's no shame with dick pills

but I feel like he's the kind of man that or he's like no no I can get hard I would never take a pill like that where it's like okay then go have your limp dick and not deal with a medication that could actually help you. But he takes him with his morning coffee. He just like, it's always hard all day. Always hard.

But I'm saying that he's going to, I'm sure, use something to help him but would only shame someone else that would help. Women can't use anything to help them. Of course. Ew, ew, yucky, yuck. Makes me, you know what? I watch, yeah, I watch every episode of Milf Manor. Both seasons.

and I can't even stoop to watch this, but I will say I am going to be watching Queer Ultimatum this week so that I'm going to be watching it alongside my Love Island. I've been trapped in the villa, Jake. It's been quite a journey for us over here in the villa,

and we've been having quite a summer together. So what, which we've been, I've been hearing a lot of Love Island like reverberations, but is this the new season of the British one? Is this the new season of the American one? It is the British way. Mike Lawrence actually wrote for the first season

of the American Love Island. He was on the island. He wrote for two seasons and I was like, how did they get you to come back? He was offered to come and talk to me about his experience writing for Love Island because if there is one thing, you know, I think if you're listening to this episode,

I hope you should be a fan of both Nerd of Mouth and page seven. And if you're not yet, go check out Nerd of Mouth right now. Mike Lawrence is so funny. But imagining Mike Lawrence in Fiji writing for these people is the funniest thing that I can imagine. It is so funny. You really got to get them talking about it. It is an amazing story of like what actually goes on on the island.

And they work all night long because the writers have to like look through the footage because it's like, They're always putting out new episodes. It's the whole world of it. Jake, this is the first time that I'm really keeping up with it because it's such an undertaking. And I understand why everyone gets so obsessed with it because they're a part of my life right now. I think about them when I'm not watching them sometimes. That's impressive. Just a little bit.

Like I don't think about their life like outside of the villa. And I would never again write anything negative towards them and punch. public, but I tell you what, I love Casa more. I've been watched, so I've been watching the U.S. version, Jake. Thank you for asking the distinction. I feel like next year I probably need to start with the UK. I think that I need to watch all of UK next summer. But once you're in it, I'm like 23, four episodes deep right now. I can't start another one. And you can't, it's hard to keep up. A friend of mine was like, Adina, Mike's wife, was like, I'm

going to catch up. I was like, bitch, how are you going to catch up? She's like, just to watch. And I was like, all right, bitch. Fucking get it, get it. Hell yeah. I love watching people. Get back on that bull because it is quite the ride. Man, they are just sucking

on each other. And just the teeniest keenies, this is, I was saying this to MJ earlier, that while I have been, yes, enjoying my no sun summer. I have been really spending a lot of my time inside watching Love Island. But friends of ours in chat, I'm looking at you, bro GERP, have been trying to encourage, if you're not having a no sun summer, to have a teeny kini summer instead, regardless of body shape, regardless of how we're feeling in our teeny kineas, y'all.

Regardless of boil density. Regardless. We're talking little. We're talking barely covering, okay? And I support this. I support the teeny kinie, but I must reference back two episodes ago when I was talking about the Lanzan catalog and their nine inch in seams I love a long short. I always have.

I'm a bored short bitch over here. I want it covered. And it's not out of, I don't know what's going on with that. That's for a psychoanalysis. to figure out. But because I, I love seeing everyone else happy and proud in their teeny kinis. I myself have never not worn a board short to the pool since I was about, I'm going to say, eight years old.

Are you a psychoanalyst? Are you just some ranto listening on the internet? Leave a comment about how MJ feels about their body and fashion choices. What's going on with it? It leads to engagement. Let's rip into this. Yeah. I mean, I have a sense of what's going on with it and it has to do with gender.

But I've always been a bored short person. But I, you know, ever since I got top surgery, I also dream of some time, someday going shirts off at the pool in public, which I have not done. But so I really encourage you here. We encourage you when you're ready. When I'm ready. We support you. And as a large man, I say, feel no shame wearing a T-shirt in the pool. In fact, keep it on all the time.

Nobody can tell. Nobody knows your feeling body feelings. You're wearing a t-shirt. You're just hanging out. And isn't it great, Jake, as somebody who also always wears a t-shirt in the pool, I wear long shorts and a large t-shirt. Oh, yeah. And now, in the era of rash guards, that's not even weird. You can get nice, fashionable t-shirts to wear in the pool.

And it's normal. And they dry quicker than the regular white t-shirts. Yes. Yes, they're going to have an SPF. I wore one to the beach yesterday, and I felt fantastic with a lot of modest coverage. But I love the teeny-kini. I love that people who previously have felt like they could not do a teeny-kini feel like they can. I love that for them.

And I feel so all slutty swimsuits for everybody who wants them is my platform. I hope that you're talking to me in the future because I have not purchased said teeny-kini yet. I'm scared. I'm living scared. Can I ask about your 2025 swimwear? You can also say block. Covered. I am covered.

I am very, very covered. Me and Jackie have both been shopping for modesty sarongs. I'd be like, which fair to say. Cover it up. See, it is the beauty of being a goth at the pool is that I hide behind being goth at the pool. And then I feel that I am not as like, oh, it doesn't look like, oh, I have to be covered. It's because I'm so sickly pale when I see just the light of the sun.

That I feel like people are like, oh, it's probably for the best. she would blind everyone here if she wasn't covered. I mean, it's mesh. It's like see-through, but I'm fully covered. Well, that's cool, though. Mesh is kind of a nice compromise. You can be like, ooh, I'm sexy, but I'm modest. Exactly.

A little Elvira at the pool. And also, I'm terrified of water. So it's not like I'm sitting there wet anyway. Who's that hottie? And is she in mourning? He has. Always giving grief. That's what I'm here for.

But also, I'm always given the list. as well. Oh, who's on the list? Me. You gotta have that list. Now this is just, you know, maybe it's just because Jake came to visit today and it's just given me feelings of Holden. We've got celebrity controversies that vanished from public memory, but these fans are

still weirdly fixated on them. And the thing is, is that most of the things on this list are things that we hear at page seven are also always fixated on. Like, number one, Angelina, Joe. Jolie making out with her brother. Uh-huh. In 2000, Angelina Jolie took home two best-supporting actress awards for her portrayal of Lisa Rowe in the 1990 film Girl Interrupted. She then infamously kissed her brother on the lips.

In January, after winning a Golden Globe for her performance, Angelina made headlines for locking lips with her brother James Haven. She continued the love at the 72nd Annual Academy Awards in March, where the two shared a passionate kiss on the red carpet as they wore. matching black outfits. This is not a one-time deal. This is a multiple-time deal. And now, Jake, you did look like you were surprised by this. Is this the first time you've heard of this? I remember it's when her brother had like that blonde, like, shortcut that made it

especially, like, weird. And I want to, like, Game of Thrones, Dune style, like, just like something perverse happening in the halls of the elite. but I did not know about all these secondary smooches. And it's, at first I was like, oh, you know, you could like, nobody looks like truly, like, cool giving like a quick little like smooch. It's kind of, and, you know, it's kind of a personal thing and it's just a quick thing. But like they're on the, the step and repeat. They are in front of like cameras.

They are like posing for the fans. Yeah. And that is weird. That is weird to me. It doesn't. Yeah. It's true. Eddie photograph is a moment in time.

and it could have been a totally normal adult sibling peck. But when you look at the, it is hard to imagine going in that close to a sibling's face. Faces are smushed. Like, it's not so much, like, because I feel like faces don't get smushed with a quick peck. They are per- Yeah. Like, their furses are pressed against your face. You know what I mean? Like, I feel like that's a different level of kiss.

Yeah. Yeah. Do we think they were kept in the attic by John Voight and we're dealing with a kind of... That's a good point. I mean, we don't trust John Voight. That's for damn sure. We certainly know. And they do look like, like you said, like something twisted in the halls of the elite,

but they also do look a little bit like flowers in the attic situation. Like, you know, they could have just been orphans who were like left to have sex with each other in an attic. John Void's attic. It was a very popular book. It was a very popular book. We're not weird. No, no. The go-to reference for.

Weird siblings. Everybody knows that. I feel like only millennials know it, Jackie. Or is it only millennials also that are, that have, because I just realize Jake, you have a sister, MJ, you have a brother. And I feel like maybe that's also why it was drilled into us of like, you never know what could happen. I feel like. No, it's flowers for Algernon is a dumb guy gets smart. Flowers in the attic.

Dumb kids start fucking. Both of them? Terrified. me equally. Maybe Gen X knows flowers in the attic too because it was in the 80s. I think they do. I definitely know my sister knew flowers in the attic. I know that. I think a lot of Gen X actually got horny to it. And I think that that's the difference between Gen X and millennials is that millennials were scared of it. And I think that Gen X was like, they grew up with Blue Lagoon. That wasn't their fault. You know, I don't mean to slander you, Jen X. You know, I love you. I'm married to one of you.

I'm just saying that it was, you had a different media landscape than we did. It was a different time. It was a different time. I hate to enforce it. I hate to inform. all of you that having been deeply rooted in nerd media and emerging like memes and everything, it's just, that's just, uh, now the kids draw like cartoon characters boning all the time. Now they, no matter what, it's just the weirdness is going to find fascination. And it's just, it will always be expressed. I just, wow, it really happened multiple times. That's the thing.

I thought this was a one and done. No. But there's so many pictures of this across multiple occasions. Yeah, different, yeah, he's got a whole different hair in the second time. Like time has passed and they put their lips on each other's lips again. And it's not, it's not something. These are choices. These are active choices.

It's not like a, oh, it was an accident. Yeah. And she also said, I'm so in love with my brother in her Oscar acceptance speech. And she said, I'm not chalk it up to childhood trauma, right? I'm going to say, right? It's like, because, you know, the connection of, especially siblings that go through such. That's true. Like a trauma together are connected in a way that other people are not.

Except for William and Harry, which we learned in his book. Because William is a frigid biotch. But anyway. But also, though, check out our celebrities this week because we did just read Wishful Drinking by Carrie Fisher and both now, MJ and I are way more obsessed with Carrie Fisher than we ever knew that we should have been. And I feel like I have to make up for lost time. Oh, no, if you know, if you know truly what she's been through, you are like, you're,

you watch Last Jedi and you're like, they didn't treat her with enough reveries. Yeah. No. And honest, and Jake, I'm perfect. Jake showed up earlier and I was like, well, don't worry, Jake. I've already cried once today. And that was because we were talking about wishful drinking, Carrie Fisher. And it's going to happen.

But it's just turns out. God, it's so good. Anyway, sorry. Remember and like, but did we remember correctly the story that, Matthew McConaughey was arrested in 1999 for getting really high and playing the bongos while naked at 3 a.m. Now, I remember this story and what I specifically also remember was that it was out front of his house, but apparently that is me remembering incorrectly. In 1999, Matthew was put in handcuffs for loud music complaint and resisting arrest after he was reportedly found

naked in his home playing the bongos while smoking a bong. The incident happened after the University of Texas alum attended a Texas longhorn football game. He was arrested in Austin after police responded to a noise complaint only to find him naked playing the bongos and dancing around his home in the early hours of the morning. I mean, he looks like a guy who would do it. And I'm not saying that's not how you convict someone in the court of law. But he should be, this is his, this is his natural state. Let the man play bongos naked. in his own home. Aside from people who don't want to see his dick, people don't want to see his dick, I guess he's hurting them.

But other than that, victimless crime. And they barged in because I will say, apparently, the music was so loud he didn't hear the police. And that's why the police barged in because he didn't hear it. But it's kind of funny. And I love Matthew McConae. And you can't take that away from me. No, you cannot. Apparently, it's his like go-to thing. There's so many pictures of him playing bongos at various events from across his life. He has owned his bongo notoriety. This is sad. He wrote in his memoir. What I didn't know is that while I was banging away in my bliss, two awesome policemen also

thought it was time to barge in my house unannounced, wrestle me to the ground with nightsticks, handcuffed me and pin me to the floor. That's traumatic. That is a violent arrest of Matthew McConaughey, just for having a good time guy. He's got the rhythm. Take him out. And, like, for him afterwards just being like, yeah, you know, he just like laughs it off now, which good for him. That's upsetting.

It's very upsetting. Sir, drop the beat right now. I need you to drop the beat. Oh, God. Can't, man. Can't stop! Now, this celebrity controversial scandal is a true one. Sylvester Stallone's first real movie was a porno before Rocky made him a star.

Sylvester Stallone's first movie role was actually the lead in an adult film called The Party at Kitty and Studs. He said he was in his early 20s, broke and sleeping in a bus station when he landed the role. For $200 for two days work and a roof over his head, he played stud, a very enthusiastic young man in a plot that included light bondage and a dinner party. And apparently he told Playboy in 1978 it was either do that. I'm sorry. do that movie or love someone because I was at the end of the very end of my role. I'll finish it without doing that. Instead of doing something desperate, I worked two days for $200 and got myself out of the bus station.

Look at Sylvester Stallone normalizing sex work as a legitimate way to make money and get what you need to do, man. Is it good for him? Am I a bad person after hearing the story, being singular? obsessed with the person whose job is to walk around the bus depot and find cats for a porno. Hey, you look like you got a big, strong dick on you. Get on over here. You there, the one covered in Dr. Pepper Cams. Have I got a proposition for you?

You got a face for the pictures. I mean, I just, the problem is that it's like, but then there are like the people that get picked up, like, by a model agency walking down. But it's like, I feel like those people walk up to you all the time when you're living in New York. And all you say is, get the fuck away from me. Right. Like, I don't know what your aim is, but get away from me. Jackie, I can say this with full confidence that being approached constantly by modeling agencies while walking the streets of New York is a you problem. I think that that is something.

Well, it doesn't happen to me all the time. It happened to be like three times of someone being like. That's enough. That's a plenty. But it's just because I have read. bitch face. It's just because I looked like a fat bitch and I was like you are correct. You are

right about that. That woman looks like a beautiful bitch. I sleep at the bus station all the time. No one's offered me a role in the erotic arts. She's dreaming of fashion bug. All right. Last but not least, a Dave Matthews band tour bus

dumped human waste on a tour boat in the Chicago River. True. I know this one. You remember this one. You remember this one in August of 2004. I thought this is what poop crews was about when I saw the thumbnail. Oh, baby. Man, poop crew

is so much actually worse than this, but surprise, this is a bad story as well. In August of 2004, a tour bus belonging to the Dave Matthews band was crossing Chicago's Kinsey Street Bridge when the driver decided to empty the bus's septic tank

right into the Chicago River below. The very bad timing? A boat full tourist was cruising under the bridge at that exact moment. Over 800 pounds of raw sewage came raining down. A literal crap storm. This is worse than poop cruise, Jackie. Whoa, is it?

Would you rather be on the tourist boat that got rained with 800 pounds of Dave Matthews's shit? Or would you rather be on poop cruise where at least you are not actively covered in it if you can make it to the top deck? But it's days of it and not being able to shower and also think of the stink. I know. You and I love to shower. You and I love to shower. We love to shower.

This is that, did you, I don't know if this is going to reveal that me and all my friends when I was a small child were just a horrible little monster creeps, but those like, okay, you're up to your neck in like puke

and then someone's about to throw poop on you. Do you duck or do you stay like one of those? Yeah. Oh, yeah. We do. It's called would you. you rather and make it's play it all the time it's fine uh so like you're you're laying out a real like okay yes a direct one-time violent blop or a slow burn simmer in it over the course of several

days i feel like yeah you just you violent plop yeah you got to do violent plop also if i'm not mistaken in this story they dumped it on not just any tourist cruise but it's like the chicago architecture cruise. Oh yeah. Which I went on with my family and it is a very like it is a higher class more like educated. Oh no. It's kind of high minded tour where they go into like this American life of cruises. Yes, very much an NPR thing. And so it adds extra hard in my mind to the proceedings because I've been on there and it's been joyously receiving the edutainment alongside several well-dressed, well-educated people of my similar standing. And just having that be the, just having that crash into you, I guess, is how I will describe it. Oh, wow.

I would stand up and clap for you. I love, I just, I'm sorry, I need to just, I wasn't going to read the last one on this list until I saw what it was. But did you guys know that Nikola Tesla was in love with a pigeon? You were nodding your head, yes, MJ, like this is something. Did you know that he was in love not, he was in love with a white pigeon with gray-tipped wings that would visit him daily. And he said that he would communicate with her in a way that transcended words and that he loved her as a man loves a woman. I didn't remember this specifically.

I had a friend who went through a big Nikola Tesla hyperfocus phase. And I feel like I learned a lot about Nikola Tesla, but I don't remember this one. And I think I would remember if he was in love with a pigeon. So I... I feel like we'd remember that, but that's just... I just... I needed everybody. Good for him.

Are we saying? I'm hoping... I don't know. That when he says that he loves it the way a man loves a woman... I don't think he's fucking the pigeon. I don't think that's possible. Is it... Am I being a hypocrite?

I wouldn't applaud a man loving a horse, but I do applaud a man loving a pigeon. Jake? All right. You can be the tiebreaker here. Did he fuck the pigeon? that's where we're doing. I don't think he fucked the pigeon. Are we pro or against pigeon love?

If he fucked the pigeon, I'm obviously against it. If he just had a crush on it, it's fine. I feel like a weird, lonely scientist who was continuously faced with setbacks and people stealing his ideas and not getting the proper credit for revolutionizing the way society, humanity functions, and just like gets a moment of innocent bluepics. from just like giving a random bird some like breadcrums. And he feels that joy as pure and innocent as a man would love a woman. And he says so because he's weird enough to actually put that down in writing and not just

keep that as an inside thought. I say, you know what? Let him have it. Yes. Wouldn't it be hilarious if Bezos did all of this, but he was marrying a pigeon? Yeah. And like we all had to be like, well, this is what he chooses. Just all the Kardashians

Still show up And they're Just like all the Like you have to have like Oh my God You're gonna have to round up all the pigeons In Venice It seems like they got a lot out there

So I feel like that'll be fine Leonard DiCaprio's like I knew he's the reason he's part of the pigeon posse No not the pigeon posse Is this pigeon under 25 All right Well I heard that the list is over, which means I am suddenly having trouble seeing.

I think I'm going. Blind! Items. Ah, we can't see them. All right. This A-minusless actress was on a long, long, long-running sitcom. She wasn't invited to the big wedding because she once turned down the wealthy bookseller. Oh.

Wealthy bookseller. It has to be Bezos. Yes. It can't. Jennifer Aniston. No, but that is a good guess. A-minusless list. actress. Yeah, I guess I would call her A-minus.

Sounds like Bezos wanted to get with her and she turned him down. But she was on a sitcom, you said. She was on a long-running sitcom. I'm going to say it was a little after the Jennifer Anderson. It's not Doris Roberts. We know it's not Doris Roberts. It was after Friends. Teia Leonee, Gina Davis. Oh, the one on Big Bang Theory. I don't know her name. This is a better sitcom than Big Bang Theory.

Okay. She's beautiful. She is... Leah Thompson from Caroline and the City. Now I'm just going to see who Jake thinks is beautiful from sitcoms. Christine Bransky. Oh my gosh. She's very funny.

There was a reason I tuned into Sybil every week as a child. And ensuring shit wasn't Sybil. It wasn't Sybil Shepard. It wasn't Sheple Sheppard. Guys, this is a big to tell you. It came much later than Sybil. Okay. Later than simple.

Okay, later than seven. But it is like a really beloved sitcom. She's beloved. She recently went to a divorce. The one from the office. Nope. She went through a divorce. What's her name?

The two broke girls. No. No. Oh, big lips. Cat. She got. Cat Dennings. Yeah.

I wish this was a video podcast. That face you just made to like embody Cat Dennings, which is not what Cat Dennings looked like. What do you mean? That's what she looks like. It's poo. She's sex. pooched. It is an ensemble cast.

It is she had like... No Wiley. That's not a sitcom. He's never been in a sitcom. She had like an IVF battle with her husband before they got divorced. We talked about this divorce a pretty good amount when it happened. She's bilingual.

She's... Jennifer Lopez. No. So he dashed out. You got the right language that she's bilingual in. She, is a stunning beauty. Oh, oh. Sophia Vergara. Yes.

Wait, that's very funny. She turned down Bezos and she didn't get invited to the wedding, allegedly. Wait, but... I should have just... No, that's what I mean. Wait, but so, like, he yearned for fucking Vergara and then ended up with fucking Laurence

Sanchez, who has been like chopped and molded into a Vergara-like. That's true. That's a nice... plastic surgery she has in the places she has it. It sounds like Jackie was thinking something similar. Yeah, yeah, you're right.

She is trying to be the same, a similar type of like knockout bombshell. Like, like, because I feel like Sophia Vergara has such a classic beauty, you know, like she, it's such a, it feels kind of like, like, I would, I just also just started watching the Jane Mansfield documentary by, uh, Marashka Hogarthai. And, uh, I feel like, yeah,

I feel like Sophia Vergara just has such a, like, classic, yeah, like a kind of old-fashioned beauty about her. And Lauren Sanchez does look like she was made in a lab to imitate that beauty. Lauren Sanchez is very 20-25 standards of beauty and wealth. And I will say, and like regardless of how you feel about that, I do feel that she is a prime example of what the wealthy believe is the upper echelon of what they're all trying to. to achieve. Absolutely. Oh, I'm getting flashbacks to, what was it,

Baldwin, Alec Baldwin fell in love with Eladia. Selma Hayek. With Selma Hayek. And that opened the door for Hilaria to be like, I could be your Spanish queen. Yes. That is a huge conspiracy theory is that Hilaria lied about being from Spain because she knew that he was in love with Selma Hayek.

And so she needed to make herself more Spanish, Oh, we just crack the code. I'm sorry. No. You my sunshine. Oh, yeah. All right. I like girls that wear Abercrombie and fish.

Whoa, you take him if you had one wish. Chinese food makes me sick. Line number two. Apparently, even the stars of the four movie doesn't, they don't think it's going to be all that great. Yes, the way this is written is confusing, but do you know what I'm talking about? Pedro Pascal? No. Cousin?

No. No. No. Tom Hanks and for Toy Story 4? No, wait, they made Toy Story 4. I thought you're talking about Fantastic. Well, okay, no. I was worried this one would be too easy, but I'm glad it's not.

The stars of this capital F4 movie, I don't know how to word it without totally giving it away. It's like more than golf? Four, because it's going to be four movies. Oh, there are four of them. Avatar. Avatar. No, no. You said that was such confidence. No, not at all. There's going to be four movies and the four stars of the four movies think it's going to be bad, real bad. Four stars of the four movies. And it's not fantastic four. It is not part of a series. It is a, it is a, so it's not a book series? It is not, it is based on. Okay, then I got to change what my, okay, I was going book series. Okay, all right. There's going to be four.

movies. Wow, he's making four movies. Oh, the Beatles, the Beatles. Apparently, the Cugans and the mescal's and the Quins and the Dickensons are dreading how bad the movie's going to be. Making the Beatles, Jake, how do we feel about the Beatles movies? It feels like if it's, I just, it, there's never been a band more documented whose story to a micro level has been so thoroughly explored that the very idea of, I'm reminded of that Rami Malik Queen movie where it was just like, and then I'm going to write Bohemian Rhapsody, I'm doing it. Like, it's just not, I just don't need that at all.

And then he shoves in the teeth and then he's not even singing and there is a level of it that are just like, okay, guys, the mind is vast. If you want ideas that have never been written, give me a call. Yeah. I can spurt out 15 of them if you want. Yeah, no, we're just telling the same stories over and over. At least this one isn't from the 90s. It's from a whole different decade.

That's new. That's new. Okay, blind and number three. Sure, she's been in a few hit TV shows, starred in some so-so movies. But if you read the publicity surrounding her, what would likely assume she's the biggest star in the world? she somehow snags, invites to all the most desirable events, and if there's a coveted red carpet, she's there. Granted, she's cute and has some talent, but that's not what boosted her popularity.

She's been having an affair with a very powerful and wealthy Hollywood insider, and that's why she's suddenly being promoted as the hottest thing out there. Sidney Sweeney. It has to be. Indeed, we were talking about her earlier, and yes, this is one of many. The engagement did get broken up, I will say, you know, she was engaged. That went away. There's lots. Everyone's like, she's the hot commodity, which leave her alone.

She's still just a human being. I just will. It is kind of like, it is kind of crazy watching people just be like about her, even though I think no one is. It is all just fake lather. Yeah, it's weird. There is a, she's really working everyone into a frenzy. It really feels like she just, and maybe this is us getting older and being like less connected.

I'm speaking as a heterosexual man right now. Go ahead. But as long as I've been alive, there has been the designated hottest lady. Yes. For as, you know, whether it was Jessica Alba or Jessica Beale or Pamela Anderson or just like there was always the one lady that was the hottest lady. Yeah. And it was usually because of a particular set of physical attributes. And what are those that you're talking about?

talking about bingo honka donkas. Bingo bongos. Bingo bingo bingo bingoes. I'm talking the hornkinness, jonkiness. Yeah, the hornedish, jonqueness. But, you know, I kind of aged out of it. And now, like, if they're saying that Sidney, I don't have any reason to doubt it.

But you're right, I feel no connection. I mean, also she is a child. So, but it's also just like, yeah, there's always got to be the hottest lady. So I guess she's the hottest lady now. I think you're right. And all of the benefits of that title. She has that, yeah, when I said earlier that she's working people up into a frenzy, I don't

mean it's her fault. I mean, people get worked up into a frenzy about her. And I do think you're right. There's something about her look. It's just, it's mysterious. It's has, she has the, like, girl who turned you down in high school thing that drives men to violence, you know? And there is just something about, like, I feel like there is this weird, the

way that hot women often get these like accusations leveled at them where they're like performing wizardry of some kind where they're denying you like you deserve them and they're not giving themselves to you like there is like a sidney-sweeney madness going on there was like i said several other blinds about her one of which implying that she's making out with carly claus but like so so it's like she's making out with carly claus she also is having an affair with a really rich and powerful person also she there is there's a there's a specific type of, I think, misogyny and focus and obsession leveled at that figure that you just identified, Jake, which is hottest girl of all time in this current time period.

And that's what she's getting right now. It is really something to behold. But also, I think this blind is kind of mean. I think she's talented, you know, like the blind is like she's whatever. And it's like she's been in many popular things, but also people are. She's good at what she does. Right. Right. Right. Right. It's like, I feel like it's like what you expect. I feel that she is good at being the characters that she's been given. I don't think that like anyone is saying like, is she the Merrill Streep of our time? I think the only way to settle this is to have her and Anya Taylor Joy in some kind of mud wrestling competition. Hear me out. Hear me out. I feel like this is going to work.

Yeah, yeah, teeny kitties I've heard. The tale of teeny kini kini summer empowerment. It's very good. Yes. Make them wetter. Yes. Make them wetter. Yes.

It's weird that we both had cigars manifest in our... Oh, we did. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's weird. I'm just chomping. I'm chomping. Well, I can see again, and I can see that it is a misogynistic world out there. Yeah, and you're lucky to be living in it.

We're lucky to be living in it. It's a woman's world I heard from a very reliable. reliable source. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. With the smelly shoes for Miles. Well, welcome back to the world of the seeing, MJ, but I hope it's back to the world of the eating. Because

Oh, no, it's Jackie's snack. Is what snacks we're gonna eat today? Now, I have, Jake, did you happen to bring a snack? I forgot to ask you before we started recording. Ironically enough, I have an Amazon package of exotic snacks coming

but they did not arrive in time. And I'm very upset about it. We'll have to have you back. Oh, no, wait. It says it's delivered today. Vamp, vamp, I'm going out the door. He's going out the door. Run, Jake.

It's just like the Christmas toy. You know what happens when you go out the door. They could see you. This is like what I couldn't start recording because I had to make sure that Gideon could run down and get the Labuboos. Oh, man. And you didn't get Lafoo food?

Well, we think that these are the... I think that all the Labuboos we have are Lafoooos. But I'm not telling that to my children. But I think the ones... Oh, yeah. The ones we got delivered are pretty good. We got burned by the dollar store. I'm not even going to...

I already mentioned pop-op. Yeah. But I do have snacks, Jackie. If you want to... Oh, he's back. He's back. He's so excited. I can't wait to see.

What is it? What is it? What did you get? Okay, so I've been trying to snack healthier. Okay, I love this. Just trying to, you know, make my way through a more... you know, just less, less refined sugar. Let's get some alternatives in there.

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so one of my favorite things to do is find out which weird startup is trying to be like, all right, nobody's ever done it before. But I think we cracked the nutritionally sound, non-poisonous, easily accessible snack food. Yeah. Okay. And what is it? They've never done it.

What is it? Last week we tried healthy snacks and they were gross. What do you have this week? Gross. This week I have, this is a new company called Surreal Biscs. Serial Biscs. And these are gluten-free. Like biscuits?

I think they're like for biscuits. Oh, I thought they were like, like you're, like they didn't know how to spell the word disc. No, no, no. Like a biskie. This is apple cinnamon, but they also come in a savory rosemary as well as a, a, savory rosemary, put a little cheese on it. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, God, what is this one? Ooh, this one is cassava and turmeric. Oh, God, this is going to suck. I'm going to eat this one. I'm looking at the website. I can't tell what they're, they just described these snacks

as made of Brazilian ingredients, but what are the ingredients? Yeah, with the questions. Brazilian. That's all you need to know. What is it? What are these? So this one is made from a chlorella powder,

which is like kind of like spirulina. just green algae, cassava flour, beans. That's upsetting. Love beans. Doesn't say which beans. Ground sunflower, onion powder, passion fruit pulp, mango beet. And then it's all, so it's like in a snack mix. But what if this is the one?

But what if these are the ones? Jake. Okay, so these are. All right, let's get in there, son. They look gritty. It looks like, they look miscolored. It looks like it. They look like a dried mango, I would say.

but it's got a crisp to it. Crunchy? I'm crunchy. Oh, deep, deep, healthy flavors. Health food. Health food store. Almost like it's like, it's given like alfalfa, like it's given dirt. It's giving, imagine dirty goldfish.

Oh, okay. Imagine dirty goldfish. Okay. I can picture it. Like goldfish that are going to be hard to digest. How many bags of this did you get? I got four of them. Four of them.

Yeah. This seems to be a more savory mix. I'm going to try the apple cinnamon sweet stick variety as well. Which one did you just try? Did you try mango and turmeric just now? Yeah, yeah. This was Chlorella beet turmeric mix. But this is apple and cinnamon, a longer bicky.

Also with a cassava and bean base. And let's say. Got good crunch, but how is the crumble? Like, what kind of texture are we talking? Is it actual cracker texture? This is animal feed. This is like, it's like somebody took wheat brand and like rubbed an apple jack on. Yeah.

That is the exact flavor profile. It got whispered on by an apple. No, no, no, apple jack on top of it. Oh, just the fake apple. It is, oh no, what have I done? What have I done? 20 grams of protein per animal feed. So, you know, there you go.

What have you done? You gave a gift to your intestine. Isn't that wonderful? I mean, okay, crunch, decent, flavor, non-existent, texture, off-putting, probiotic load in calculus. Wow. And this is what we're going for here with our snacks. I mean, we do want them to be doing double duty.

MJ, what did you bring in? Is something as healthy? I have, because I exclusively pick up my snacks from the bodega or the, like, you know, the aisle at the grocery store while you're paying. I have the polar opposite of what Jake is eating, which is Chester's ranch fries. Wow. Couldn't be further from what Jake is eating, yes.

It's the Cheeto Chester from the Cheeto brand, but I've never done the fries. And so these are the ranch fries. Love this. And they're going to be, I mean, the protein, you know what, two grams? Okay. That's not nothing.

That's not nothing. But we're going to see how they compare to Jake's healthy snacks. Are you familiar with the handicap fry? Are you familiar with that particular texture? I'm not. So sounds crunchy, but like when we say fries, we say in crinkle.

Is this like a crinkle cut? Is that... There's, there... It's a... You know, it's interesting. I haven't really done the fry chips genre. I love chips. I love corn chips.

I love potato chips. This is like a weird hybrid of a, I guess it's cornmeal, but it doesn't, it tastes more like a dissolvable puff than a corn chip per se. Like it disappears. It disappears and you're ready for, is there like a stringy texture or like there's a horizontal, like no. It's not, it's not made out of potatoes. You know what I mean? Like the way that a potato chip is. or it's just it is cornmeal mashed into the shape of fries

and I don't know what they do with it after that but it's good it's fine I would prefer my spicy chips but the ranch chester fries if you want to this is like one of those chips that I would eat the entire bag and then I would feel fine but then I would like want to take a shower you know how some chips make you feel like you need a shower afterwards honestly I know I know for a fact that what I'm about to introduce is also going to make me want to shower, and that is the Steakhouse Onion Funions.

Now, I do want to give a shout out to Hot Dog and a skateboard. I want to give a shout out to Broker, I believe, as well. Man, double broker. Okay, it's a broker episode. Sending some love out to chat. And Jake talked about the Funnions last time he was here. He had the funnions in a can. I did have with the funnions in can. You know, I feel like these fries taste a little like a funnion texture, you know, the way that it's like air, accommodates of air and crunch. I was about to say, like, cornmeal mashed into a shape that is not what it's actually supposed to be, which is what this is.

Yes, another thing pretending to be an actual dish, which is fries or onion rings. I've heard they're great though, and I've been looking for them. So this is a blooming onion flavored onion ring, which is that mean the dipping sauce? Does that mean the fry coating? There's so many, like, weird subtleties that I do. Oh, oh. Oh, she looks happy. Oh, she's got Zing.

Yeah. Okay. Nah, man, we ain't got that swing, but I do got that zing, baby. This is, it is so... What makes it different than a regular funyon? Now, I'm going to throw it out there. I don't usually purchase funnions. It's not usually something that is in my grocery bag.

It's just something that I don't, I can't eat a lot of usually. but what I like about this is that each bite is giving a tang of like the horse ratting. So it is giving a little bit of the sauce as well as giving the like steakhouse spice taste. And I think that together while you'd think it would be to one note if it just tasted like the blossom itself, I think that adding a little. bit of zest of a sauce-esque element. Yep. Is something that I'm really into. So in a classic fry sauce, we got like a paprika, a horseradish, a ketchup, a mayonnaise.

Are you getting like all of that? Yes. And you know what? Even in the back, it's garlic, tomato powder, sour cream, onion powder. Oves onion powder. It's coming through strong. How many beans? What's the bean content?

Let's get into it. How much cassava is there in it? Yeah, there's not a lot of them. Well, let's just say that God made funnions to. And isn't that beautiful? We are all God's precious funnions. We are.

Thank you for recognizing that, Jake. We are all God's precious funnions. And I will say, now, my mouth will taste. like Funyon until I do something about it. And that something is not drink the coffee because I really want to drink the coffee that's sitting next to my computer. But we all know that's not a good mix. Yeah, yeah.

That's how I feel about the ranch fries. And I love a spicy, flavorful chip, as people know. But there is something about ranch and the combination of like cornmeal puff that is just, it has a different, it really stays with you. I will say the funnion. The funnion that was in my tooth now just mixed with the creme brulee coffee that I just took a sip from because I got some creme brulee creamer. And it's quite a mixture to behold. It's like being in an Outback Steakhouse and having a creme brulee and a bloom and onion at the same time.

And crying, crying, crying. You're alone. You're alone. Why is Outback Steakhouse so precious with the license? I can't believe Funnians couldn't just get the cross, the, the, what the co-lap go. They got something special going on an Outback Stakehouse and they know it. They don't want to give it away. You're damn right.

It's no rules and it's just right. You can't get that anywhere else. And thank you everybody for joining us on this week's episode of page seven. Jake, thank you so, so much for joining us again, had an absolute blast while we watch the world burn and we're just sitting by the sidelines, eating our snacks. Hopefully your snacks, Jake, in the future, have less real things in them and maybe more fake things. I'm still holding out hope. I'm holding a candle at all times for the one mad scientist that makes a healthy snack that doesn't taste like absolute mulch. Please.

And if you know of one that we have to try, page seven podcast at gmail.com. I swear to God, if you say baby carrots, I will hunt you down. I will have email and I will hunt down. Have you thought about it? putting cottage cheese on a pepper. I have thought about it. Yeah, and sometimes I put the alote seasoning on top and it is delightful. You're right, okay?

But sometimes I want something else. But thank you so much. Please check out Nerd of Mouth. Please hang out with Jake over on Thursday nights for a cartoon dumpster. Hey, thank you. Twitch.tv.tv. Puppet Jared. That's the name of my little purple avatar so I can stay as gross as possible without having a camera on me.

Love this. You are not gross at all. How dare you? And thank you so much. But I have the freedom to be gross through the power of technology. Through the power of technology. We all have the freedom of being gross. And you all have the freedom of not smelling my steakhouse blossom funions right now. I need to brush my teeth immediately. Immediately. I'm disgusted because I can feel like the smell is on the microphone. So I've got to get out of here. about the ranch fries as well.

Truly disgusting. And I love you guys. Thank you so much for listening and for being a part of our community. And if you want to send in any Jackie Snackies, you can. 4804 Laurel Canyon Boulevard number 378, North Hollywood, California, 9-1-6-07. You can email us at page 7 podcast at gmail.com. You can join our Patreon at patreon.com slash page 7 podcast. There you have Jackie's book club and celebrities at the $5 tier.

We just finished Carrie Fisher's wishful drinking. At the $10 tier, you have our Buffy Watch Along. And we are so grateful to all of you for being part of our community, Patreon and non-patriot. Jake, we're thankful to you for coming on the show. And we'll see you guys soon for Second Helppings. Bye, everybody. Bye.

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