Painkiller Already - Painkiller Already #219

Episode Date: March 3, 2015

This week on PKA, Taylor returns and the show is graced with the presence of WickedShrapnel. Th guys discuss penis reduction surgert, Kyle clearing a house with an M4 and other shenanigans!

And we're live! Painkiller Already, episode 219. Sexier people? Here we go. Look at this. Look at Mirka. Mirka is, I don't know, 13, 16% sexier right there. Absolutely.

Yeah. I'd go 18. 18, you think? You're pushing it now. We just want everyone to remember that this episode of Painkiller Already is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace, the all-in-one platform that makes it fast and easy to create your online professional website portfolio or online store for a free trial and 10 off visit square square space.com and enter offer code pka

at checkout plans start as little as eight dollars a month and include a free domain name if you sign up for a year dude so check them out i was was looking at Squarespace's DDoS protection. It's built into their system, which is fucking awesome. We used to run Huppet Gaming, and every time I promoted it, they'd just knock off Huppet for the key hours, like the first 12 hours

that I put a video up telling people about it. They'd knock it offline, and it sucked. I wish that back then, the default was for people like Squarespace to have DDoS protection. But if your site does somehow get popular and people take an interest in it, then it will likely stay up. Because you're on

a hardcore hosting platform like Squarespace. Check them out. What's the coupon code? It's squarespace.com. Link on your screen and uh you'll be good to go and we have i know we always keep joking about it and we've used it we've kind of beaten into the ground but we really should uh partner with them and like make even if it's just

a silly joke website i think that would be cool i bet they would be up for like providing it for free let's just make a fuck kyle website where you just go there and it just says your computer says fuck kyle fuck kyle fuck like something really simple and basic and cheap just let's just make a fuck Kyle website where you just go there and it just says your computer says fuck Kyle fuck Kyle fuck Like something really simple and basic and cheap just let's do something fun with it that we can talk about or like you photoshopped into horrific Porn scenes like this. Yeah, there's that there's a YouTube video called like what would FPS Russia look like in a dress? And it's just like a whole like Montage of my face put into onto women's bodies and dresses you know anything humiliating like that i enjoy that sort of thing dude i reserved i've got sleeping with woody.com because sleeping

with jeff was that thing they did in the super bowl ad and everything i just want to upload an album of me snoring and see who buys it oh my god i have i have i have seen that performance live and i give it two thumbs down. I am not. You cannot get me involved with that program for any amount of money. We were discussing this earlier, you know, with the potential sleeping arrangements at Paintball, and we were trying to find a way to, like, protect others from Chiz and Woody snoring. It's like, I think we're going to get Joe to come along, and it's like, well, maybe me and Joe could bunk together, and Woody and Chiz could both get separate rooms way down the hallway. Get the hotel across the street.

Yeah. Sleeping in my truck. And you can't complain about that sort of thing. Because what are you going to do? Hey, man, quit doing that thing that you can't help doing when you're unconscious. It's not going to work. I wonder, have I always been snoring this badly? Jackie can complained but joe's never fussed i don't know how many nights i've shared with joe but like he's never complained maybe he sleeps first and deep i don't know but uh

now i'm just dealt with bigger problems he's not that worried that could be it but um but yeah i i now i'm suddenly self-conscious about it. Because what happens, we do these movie nights. And sometimes I go in and out of sleep while we watch the movies. It's me, Chiz, and Woody in this Skype call watching whatever movie. What was the – we watched that Denzel Washington movie. The Equalizer? Yeah, we watched that. Was that right? It was okay.

It reminded me a little bit of that... What's the movie that Keanu just made? John Wick. It reminded me of a poor man's John Wick, in my opinion. It was on the same level of... It was gun-fu. Lots of shooting people in crazy, weird ways. Killing a guy with a shot glass

by shoving it into his eye socket. Stuff like that. Did you like John Wick? I enjoyed it. I thought it was actually pretty good. I think it's going to be like a revival of Keanu's career. I saw an interview with him not too long ago. It was right after that Kung Fu movie he made last Bombed.

It was like a $100 million movie, maybe $150 million. He was talking about all the roles that he went out for, but he just didn't get. Normally when they ask him, how does that make you feel he's like well you know the best actor god and i just i could have never done as good a job as so and so but he was just like yeah it feels like i feel shitty you know when i was because i want him you know i wanted to be an x

man i wanted to be he wanted the iron man right yeah he wanted all of these different roles yeah and uh and he didn't get any of them. I'm sure he wanted to be an Avenger. I bet he tried out to be Hawkeye or something like that. He just doesn't get them. So with John Wick, I feel like maybe the studios take him a bit more seriously now. I know they're making a John Wick 2.

They've already punched the ticket on that. Don't make a John Wick 2. They are. Just let it live. They're going to curb stomp that fucking dog this time I wanna see she's gonna go get Liam Neeson to be his vet and they're gonna tag team the dog

stompers I hated Hawkeye in Avengers 1 not hated as strong but like he just there's nothing there but then I wonder was there a possibility to have anything there right the character was like whatever mindfuck no you were right with hated that's a shit to your character yeah he doesn't have any ability really he could shoot an arrow really good like well black widow doesn't as far as i know have

any great thing other than being seductive and uh you know obviously a great fighter but she's saying that's good enough she's a female assassin, though. She's a world-famous female assassin. I just put her on the same tier as Hawkeye, Batman, Black Widow. She's an action hero, just not a superhero. Yeah, but the thing about Hawkeye's

spot, and God, these comic book guys who really know what they're talking about will hang me up, but in that movie, for whatever, 80% of the movie, he was under a mind control. He didn't really have the ability to be a hero guys who really know what they're talking about will hang me up but in that movie for like whatever 80 of the movie he was under a mind control and he didn't really have the ability to be a hero until that final climactic scene yeah see usually they have a counterbalance between like if a character is super ridiculously strong he can't be super ridiculously smart like the hulk like he is but when he's the hulk he's not super ridiculously smart Hawkeye had no such counterbalance. He's worthless in every sphere

He's just like bullseye from daredevil where it's like well that guy could throw a card real good Wouldn't want to bet against him in a pub like that's it But he had like super arrows and stuff right like in he Hit the moving targets in the weak spot on the move, and... Kyle could kill either of them, Bullseye or Hawkeye. You don't have to hit the, like... You don't have to hit his fucking button.

You just gotta hit his chest. I mean, who cares if you can hit his button every time? That's a cool show-off thing, but why doesn't somebody just shoot some of these lesser superheroes? I feel like they just need a couple of guys that know how... I mean, you could go get some country boys or something i got three or four friends right now they go take hawkeye down like they love you because i like yeah i mean think about it you

just the punisher now the punisher is a badass uh superhero i feel like the punisher doesn't pretend like he's got some sort of advanced you know uh calisthenics or anything he's not doing back flips he's just a regular guy, Frank Castle, who's had enough. His family's been taken away from him, and he's going to punish people for the wrongs they've done. And he's got guns and explosives and cars, and it's realistic. Wasn't the Punisher already dead and came back, though? I mean, they kill them all off.

You can't... Semantics. Yeah, exactly. It doesn't matter. He's mortal. He's just a regular guy oh we didn't introduce the guy's character from the hurt locker could kill his character from the superhero movie i'm wicked shrapnel hey wicked shrapnel what do you do um i play video games and i make videos and post them on YouTube. And you've got a wonderful puppet show backdrop. Thank you.

I think that really is the same backdrop that Shoe Nice has. That's excellent. It's just the other side. There's like the green screen thing. I didn't want to put the green up. The other side of it's blue. What should I call you i'm sorry i don't know your first name just call me wicked wicked oh hey dragons so dragon slayer i was

wondering it just occurred to me i played you in like a 6v6 4v4 what did we play yeah that was back in the day do you remember remember that? MW3. If I recall correctly, didn't Wings of Redemption call you guys out and say you sucked at COD or something? No, he called out JNasty, and then JNasty picked me and my clan to be his teammates. And then after that, it was like PwnStars.com, Trademark. Those guys are really good.

Yeah. And so that was going to be the team versus whatever six that he picked. And then he backed out. And then he backed out. Because it was supposed to be on PKA, I think, because we were going to stream it. And then he backed out. And so you volunteered.

I was trying to take the heat off him. The whole world was. Because he called you out. Not you. But he called out jay nasty and then he backed down and he even backed down and said look i'm not as good you know like sorry i'm gonna lose this i don't see any way i can come out of this looking good i'd rather just not lose and uh at the time he really really cared about how good he was at video games like it was a big

part of his sense of self-worth at the time i bet he would fight you right now if you if you insulted his credibility go hand to hand like it was nom so anyway uh but at the time i think he more closely thought his like career and his gaming skills were linked together whereas now i think he sees himself as more of a personality but um so he went like bonkers on this thing thing, and everyone was giving him a hard time. So I jumped in, and I got ridiculously good teammates. Every one of them was like a top MLG pro. It was the optic gaming. It was the whole team.

Yeah, yeah. Optic gaming plus a few more. And, yeah. I hated that I did so poorly. granted i'm not gonna leave this lobby right these guys were super pros but i was literally streaming three times like back in the day i mean i forget if it was youtube or twitch but if you wanted to have multiple resolutions you had to stream in 720 and 480 so i streamed to youtube are Are you whistling? No. Stop whistling.

I'll do that in a second. I think I streamed to Twitch twice and YouTube once. Or maybe it was the other way, YouTube twice and Twitch once. And I just had, like, the world's worst connection. That sounds so awful, like the excuses I'm making. But it is true. If you stream yourself three times while you play COD, you'll have a one bar, which is what I had.

But we were able to go to game five against you in Optic. So I was happy with that. But was it five? I thought it was best for three. It was, but then we played Domination. And they were like, oh, well, let's play the other side. And then we won both sides of the Domination. And they had won the first two like ctf and okay right right something else so it was really two to two kind of and then then kind of made it i heard the

story so you guys were um like scrimming practicing and you ran up against a clan who had an unbeatable strategy for that man what was it hard hat or something what was that map called i think that's what it was called it was the construction site in modern warfare 2 yeah um yeah and they just i think they used um assertions in c4 yeah it was just so hard to get map control back it was that strategy is definitely op people like oh my god that's so cheap but cheap. But it was like, it was pub rules. That was the whole idea. Pub rules 66. This is why they don't have pub rules in MLG. That's what you get.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure the MLG guys would have won by MLG rules. But that was also part of the thing. You know, pub guys won by pub rules. MLG guys won by MLG rules. And then I forget how it ended. I know that we won more games. But I don't remember which rule sets we played under or whatever. But yeah, anyway, I stepped in for wings

so that no one would fuss at him anymore. Noble Woody stepping in with a one bar as wings slinks away in disgrace. Whatevs. So it's been a few weeks since I've talked to you guys. What's the Wings update? What's going on? I don't know.

I didn't have internet for a week, so I got disconnected from everything. What? How can you live without internet for a week? That's impossible. I feel like not much is done. I think he's live streaming a lot. He stopped dieting and exercising, focusing instead on income. And I think he's –

He's gaining mass right now. Yeah. You must start with a giant block of marble. Gaining mass is an Always Sunny in Philadelphia reference. That's what I was laughing at. But yeah, yeah. So he stopped it with the diet and exercise. Like that just wasn't his thing.

And now he's working. He's live streaming and he's uploading videos more often than before. And it's my understanding that that is going better for him. That this, there's, I haven't seen Wings' live stream. So I can't call it like e-begging. But the e-begging model on Twitch is turning out to be hugely profitable. Mid-level streamers are pulling $1,000 days. You know, And they're averaging

$300 and $500 days. What is e-bagging? Pretty much what you do is you live stream. And while you live stream, you just over-celebrate every dollar people give you. Someone will donate a dollar to you, and you're like,

oh, WickedStrap! Or they just pretend it's to me. WickedStrap. Thank you so much for your dollar. I appreciate it. They play like celebration videos and they read whatever message you want them to read. Oh, it says right here. Fuck Kyle. Fuck Kyle. Woohoo.

Thank you for your dollar. This is great. And it's hardly even gameplay oriented anymore. It's more like a TV show that you can get on for a buck. It's shameless pandering to the lowest common denominator. And I can't knock it because I don't see any victims

in this thing. The people who donate their dollar or their three dollars, those are real frequent donation amounts, one or three dollars. I don't think they feel ripped off. I think they got exactly what they wanted. They got their mention. They got their thank you. They're enjoying the show. I really love this guy. So I'm happy to give him $3 and support him and keep him on the air.

But don't you feel soulless after about four hours of doing that? That's the thing. And I feel like, dude, all of us who are doing any kind of entertainment thing are dancing monkeys in one way or another, right? Do we get to say that my version of dancing monkey is somehow more honorable than yes you dance your own goddamn dance we dance the polka over here awesome check out my video on how effective it is coupon code woody uh gamma labs is incredible but i'm wicked i i um i i wouldn't stoop to e-begging Gamma Labs, by the way. Awesome stuff. You'll like it.

Keep me awake and alert and peppy. You really did go get some Gamma Labs. I was filling up my double coffee, and he was like, I'm going to get some Gamma Labs. Yeah, because it keeps me alert, and I'm sleepy. And I become the energetic version of me. It's like the other energy drinks, but times two. Just get a snorting line of Adderall, am I right? It's a damn story, it is. Gamma Labs likes snorting Adderall. Coupons to everybody.

Kyle, you dick. They should say that, and they should have a guy on the, they should get Sam on the Gamma Labs box, just wide-eyed and crazy. Just jittering as he does his homework. So, I lost my train of thought oh oh yeah yeah so there's no victims in it so i don't see any like harm i also used to say this people used to sell their um spots on their friends list right i never

did it i never did it whatever don't care but i always felt like the people that bought the spots weren't being robbed they've got what they paid for the people that sold the spots were doing fine it was totally it was totally worth it the people the people that would pay i don't think i was selling it for 20 or 30 bucks or something and it was it was twofold and i'm sure you were going to get to this but i'm going to steal it you know partly it filled your friends list up so you couldn't get any more messages but also also, the people who would pay were usually decent players. And I would have maybe three or four of my guys, and I'd bring in one or two of these guys at a time. And I'd play with those people a lot.

I met some good players like that. They were guys who paid to be on my friends list. And I wanted to refund their money at the end of it. Like, now you're a real friend. Here's your $20 back. But you didn't do that of course no there were people who made hate videos about selling friendless spots people made videos about me people made hate videos about me for selling friendless spots and i didn't even do it but that's that's youtube but anyway um and i always thought of it as like well i mean what's bad is when you have unhappy customers right when they're getting and

they're not getting what they expected to get when they feel ripped off that's the trouble and with all this twitch stuff like i don't know that they have unhappy customers i think they're just whatever you guys stream on twitch and there's a notification that pops up and someone donates i'll say say, oh, thanks for the dollar, but it's not... I guess I haven't seen the streams where it's just all about the donations. There'll be donation wars. That's a popular thing.

So two streamers will go together and then like, you know, so you and I are streaming. Uh-oh, Wicked Shrapnel, he's beating me by $3. Someone keep this close. We're neck and neck. I just got ahead of Wicked. And it's really about the donation war more than the the stream like that's kind of douchey yeah the gameplay by the way in this particular one i'm talking about they're just driving around in a limo like one of them's the driver one of them's a passenger and they're just doing donation wars in grand

theft auto so the easiest thing to pretend to be providing content while pandering and seeking money. I hear you, and you look down on it, but it's like, yeah, if everyone's having fun, the streamers are making money, the people watching, this is apparently what they want because they're giving money for it. No one's getting robbed. Knock yourself out, I guess. It's true. Yeah, definitely true.

I just think it's kind of silly. And I kind of see the whole... Nobody's being forced to do anything that they don't want to do. So live and let live. Party is like, ah, look at them dancing monkeys begging for dollars. But dude, how is that so different than everyone else in showbiz? Even Jennifer Lawrence making her $20 million is doing it for entertainment.

Yeah, but that's kind of like a false equivalency. It's like, well, Fifty Shades of Grey and Game of Thrones are books. They're just writers. What's really different? There is a significant difference in quality and story structure and character development. Finally coming to fruition, a great storyline.

I think there would be people out there that are more of the Fifty Shades of Grey audience that aren't into Game of Thrones, though. So it all depends on the consumer. Now, great porn in both. Kyle, did you listen to much Game of Thrones today? You know, I bet you've caught up on me.

I haven't been listening. I thought about it today. I literally thought to myself, what are you fucking caught up on me. I haven't been listening. I thought about it today. I literally thought to myself, what are you fucking catching up on me? I'm really taking getting physically fit for the paintball thing very seriously. So that's taken up a bit of my time. Well, I'm taking listening to audiobooks very seriously. We'll see which one pays off more. There are five books, Wicked.

Five books? Five current, two yet to release probably not going to happen because he's morbidly obese and old so kyle you're 17 hours into book two i will get you an exact number here and how do the audio books compare to the show um imagine the show like the i don't know the naked structure of a, just the studs for the walls. And when you get the books absorbed, it's like, you know, you put the bricks on the outside, the insulation. It's everything else. It really fills in the picture.

A lot more detail. Lots more detail. Like always. Every book is better than its movie, well, mostly. And this is true, too. Having said that, sometimes it goes on too long you know don't listen to him don't listen to what trust me here it never goes on long enough i love it that like there will be fights that were displayed in the uh in the television show to be like a quick fight

where maybe there were four people involved total but in the book it was a battle there was like 15 guys that died you know someone's ear got cut off and worn you know there's there's lots of crazy characters in there like uh tyrian's wild men those people are bad fucking ass like timmet son of timmet does not fuck around on the other hand i'll do this when i got when i started listening to the audiobook i was like i can't wait for the porn part of this this is gonna be badass right you know because like a 10 second sword fight in the show is like a five minute sword fight in the book and they're just really doing it my mind's eye is just loving it i was like i can't wait for tyrian to fuck some whore and then and then he does and it's like and then they bed together scene no where's the denarius like you

know like the denarius in particular like her character evolved from this virgin to this like sexual beast right you know they she was like a 13 year old version with carl drago i'm sure i fucked his name up and um and then she goes on in in like she takes sex lessons and becomes this like super you know sex sexual she aims to have a girl yeah yeah they literally have like a coach teacher so i'm waiting for this to like to you know sort of unfold in the book but no no george rr martin or whatever the hell his name is. What is his name? Did I get it? George R.R. Martin. You got it.

Proud of you. He does not do love scenes, really. He just mentions that, you know. There's a little bit in there. He'll mention like taking his cock in her mouth. I don't even remember that much. And her lips down below. That's true.

It's never sucking dick or like modern phrasing it's and taking his phallus into her mouth like just but what do you have to admit it was the feast scenes that you were like oh my god this can end now right when he's describing the food i don't mind i want to know about that pheasant because i like that oh that pheasant wasn't as good like like some people are eating better pheasants than other people. I like hearing that their food's a little... I like it. I don't care. I am 23 hours and 20 minutes

in the book, too. How many hours in each book? 30. Roughly 30 hours a book. And Kyle is... 37. He's 18 hours ahead of me. So he was 30 hours ahead at one point. I took a week off. I was gone.

Kyle, you've got to forge ahead. Book 3 is the best by far. By far. I'm excited about it. I really am. I want to know what's going on with a couple of the characters. The books are great. Really digging them. Check them out. An audiobook for them is definitely the best way to digest a book.

It depends how much time you have. So I've been driving a lot. You might not know. I bought a new house. I'm driving 30 or 40 minutes there each way every day. And I tend to go out for lunch. And now I'm scavenging for cheap materials for the shop. And I just have a lot of time in the car.

So I'm consuming audio books. So you haven't moved into it yet oh no we fired another contractor we uh had to go jamal's done no more jamal was it like past the deadline already oh the deadline was january 31st two weeks they said they'd take two weeks we are um six weeks. We're in month two. About to go into month three. Yeah, I mean, I don't even... And then they

say things that get me twisted up, like, you know, alright, we're going to get you moved into this house. And then after you move in, we'll do, like, the kitchen, the backsplashes, and, you know, we're having, like, built-ins in the master closet and stuff. And I'm like, dude, I don't want to move in with you a big part of me moving in is you moving out that's like part of the deal you know i don't want to like every morning wake up and let the contractors

in at 8 a.m and walk through my bedroom as they head to my closet and get to work on a daily no like it get out get out that's part of the deal so um yeah i i don't know it's good what's the eta now yeah when are you gonna talk about it there isn't even one i'll tell you if i were to ask them they would say that probably a week and a half from now they'll start painting the painters will come in in an army of like 10 or 12 people, blast it out, and then there's just odds and ends, like Backsplash and Master Closet. Master Closet by itself could be a month and a half long project. If they do it as long and drawn out and six times to repair mistakes

like they've done so many other things, then that's what you can expect. I'm surprised none of them hurt themselves while they were there they were so bumbling it was like you had the three stooges put your drywall in i i kept waiting to hear like yeah larry cut his thumb off today and and mike lost an eye like it didn't even make they were so incompetent at getting their jobs done i don't know how they even work on a job site safely the drywall guy in particular wasn't so bad but there were other people like the guys that put doors in that was jamal he fucked everything up and at first like so jamal's assistants are like 17 years old they're kids they're children always a good

sign yeah but what's worse than that is jamal wasn't even on site the first couple days he's working on somebody else's house while these 17 year olds are just guessing at how to do shit. And they're cutting the doors to size incorrectly. There are wavy lines across the top. Like real wavy lines. I'm like, do they fucking bite these doors? It's awful.

just Jamal himself though turns out to suck as well. They were putting in a baseboard. You know the thing that's right above the floor and it's like molding and touches the bottom of the floor? We have, I don't know what our baseboards are. I'm going to call it like eight inches tall. So they had to take some off as they fixed the floors and added new hardwood and stuff. Everyone sex their baseboards. Yeah, they're kind of tall.

They're nice. Fans, baseboard having, motherfucker. I got baseboard envy now. Mine are only like three inches. So the thing is this. When they replaced it, they put like five-inch tall baseboards on there. So one side of the room is eight inches. The other side is five inches.

They're like coming up next to each other at a corner. And one's high and one's low. What the fuck is this? And I've complained about so many things. Like every door. You know how you have two doors? I want to call it a French door, but it's really not that nice. It's for a closet.

Yeah, a lot like what's behind you. Now the doors are touching each other. Like during the closing process. and they're not supposed to. If they do, then the paint wears off them, and they look used in like three days, you know, because they're rubbing on each other. It's a minor enough thing that I'm like not sure if I'm supposed to complain about that. Yes. I think you're right. You know, so I did.

Everything should be done right before they're done done or else it'll never be done right. But, or you'll have to pay someone else to do it. Right. If you complain about stuff at that level and I have been, then you're literally complaining about every single thing they touch. They don't get anything that's perfect. That's when you did the right thing and got a new person that can do it. Right.

So like we fired some electricians, right? She was putting in like like recessed lights in the ceiling and they weren't lined up you know and she's like i wish there was some way to like draw a long straight line like a chalk line you don't have a chalk line you don't know about chalk lines what the fuck woman you install recessed lights and ceilings for a living and you don't know about chalk lines what the motherfucker so so i figured it was another deal where she was just an assistant and she needed the master on site these are not slavery terms these are like the journeyman terms and she was just the assistant and she neither the master comes on site he's like digging trench lines two and a half inches deep motherfucker like it

shouldn't be less than a foot deep and and he's doing awful. And we fired, like, first we fired her, and then the other people came on. You didn't hire these people off Craigslist, did you? No, I hired the general contractor off a recommendation from a friend. And then he hired these subcontractors. And these subcontractors are awful, awful, awful, awful. And when we fired the electricians, I was like, I felt bad for them. I wasn't sure if we should be like giving him another try or whatever. By the time we finished the fire, the carpenter, the finished carpenter, I'm like, you know,

dude, how can this guy die in a fiery car crash? I've got to get him away. Don't get him back. He's like, Woody, I just wanted to finish the baseboards and then we'll get him gone. And then he did the baseboards wrong. And that was the last straw. It sounds like you just walked through some aisles at Home Depot and asked for volunteers.

How is it possible for people to be this inept? It's very frustrating. One, the GC shouldn't have offered the job to these people. Two, these people shouldn't have taken the jobs. If you were to hypothetically offer a job to me and I'm good at installing backsplashes but it has all these other elements, I'd be like

dude you know i'm not your guy you know i've never done a baseboard before i thought it was okay they're mismatched people are just trying to adapt they got a hammer and nail in their hand i was an accountant eight months ago they're they're I don't know. I think it'll be done right in the end. I'm not going to overpay. That's a thing. I won't

pay until it's done right. That's the scoop. That's the power that I have. I can just sit here and withhold the check until all the items on the tick list are good. That's where that stands. You have to sign off on it. What a disaster. That sounds like some people that I've hired from Craigslist, though, to do odd jobs around the house. Like at an old house, the concrete had chipped off the porch and it just needed reformed to make a corner.

And the dude just comes out with some spackle and stuff, just freehanding, trying to make a corner. And the dude just comes out with some spackle and stuff, just free-handing, trying to make a corner. And it was just this odd blob that he formed onto the corner. And I'm like, that is not square. I want a 90-degree angle. And I'm like, can we take a picture of it? He was going to take a picture. I let him borrow my camera.

He drops my camera and breaks my $500 camera. While he's taking a picture of his shitty $100 work. All the subcontractors have heard me say this. Jamal, if I wanted it done shitty, I'd have done it myself. Exactly. The whole reason you hire

someone is so that it's done quickly and it's done right. Someone on Reddit was asking me woody why don't you just do this yourself because i'm kind of handy i'm more handy than you might guess and uh and it's like yeah but i'd be forever i'm a one-man guy and a lot of this stuff i hadn't done before and it would have you know did you hire a pro so they come in with an army blast this stuff out because they do it every day but did you build a whole house on your own no no there's a lot of stuff that i haven't done before i think i see i think i could do the framing i think i could do the electric probably the roofing although i haven't done it before it's pretty straightforward

um i suck at plumbing there would be issues in that i'm sure of it and uh i don't know a really shitty house all by myself and there's a lot of things that finish carpentry that i just don't have in my head like you know for example like when you do crown molding and you hit a doorway so it has to be terminated like how exactly does that get terminated do you just drill a 45 to go into it and you know when do you just drill 245 to go into it? When do you just drill two 45s to touch, and when do you cope one? You take the coping saw, and you cut it to match the other, which is the butt joint. I couldn't do any of that stuff.

No, I have gotten really frustrated with crown molding before and cutting those. For some reason, I kept getting the angles backwards, and then I would flip everything, and they would still be up. Then they'd just be upside down and I'd cut the wrong side of the board. I gave up. It was really making me angry. I lose my shit over Ikea coffee tables.

I do not do that. So one piece of good news is I have an internet connection there now. Time Warner did their thing. So I literally have dual 300 now. No, I have 50 by five, but I have two of them. We had one run to my guest house and one run to my main house. And then I had underground cables connecting the two of them and such. So, so I have a decent internet connection. It will soon be upgraded to dual

a hundred by 10 and that's pretty good. time warner here just went to 320 so that's nice where's here austin texas oh is they must be threatened by google fiber indeed and at&t u-verse has like a giga fiber here as well now do they have it or are they just talking about it uh some i think some people have it i know my friend with uh has u-verse it's i forget what they call it giga power i think is what they're calling it right right it's like 300 up and down but it's supposed to go to a gig up and down it's not in my house though time warner's all i got so um google fiber is coming to my new house not my current one but to my new one.

And that'll be interesting to see. I feel like instantly Time Warner will respond by going to 300 if they can. And it'll be good. It'll be good. Did that factor into your decision of where to move? Yeah. Yeah. But only a little.

Because at the time we were buying the houses, they were just on the selection list. They weren't announced. But I was really happy that the gamble kind of paid off and Google Fiber is coming to the new house someday. I live right outside of Austin. I just say I live in Austin because I live in Round Rock, but where the fuck is Round Rock? Most people don't know where that is. So it's not coming here, at least not anytime soon did fcc did a big thing today um two things one net neutrality became like

an official thing so now like netflix you know how they previously had to pay like comcast and verizon money to get decent internet service well i think they were wanting to they couldn't but they were wanting to right the cable companies were wanting to charge them more. No, they did. Twice. Really? Yeah, yeah. I follow this closely, yeah.

So I know they paid Verizon. I know they paid Comcast. And I don't know who else they've actually paid. But they were kind of, basically, what it is for people listening, picture these major backbones as a spider web right so like cogent and verizon and time warner and comcast they have a like a spider web across the united states of networks and then there are points where these spider webs connect to each other and those are the weak spots so i'm pretty sure that um netflix goes over cogent which is a tier

one like major league ISP. And at the spots where they connect to Verizon or Comcast, we're very weak. Now, it's cheap to upgrade them. Really cheap. I think it's less than $10,000 to add a new port to this stuff and put it together. But they were not wanting to do it. They wanted to get millions or tens of millions out of Netflix for them to do a $10,000 upgrade. And they got it out of them several times. And now you can no longer prioritize stuff.

So you can't just hold back Netflix. They can't just hold back one type of traffic. And it's a really good thing. It's one of, in my head, I guess I'm sensitive to internet stuff, but it's a really good thing. It's one of, in my head, like I guess I'm sensitive to Internet stuff, but it's one of the most important things that the Obama administration has done in the two terms. And on top of that, they did another thing. They made it so that the laws preventing new ISPs from going into certain towns, like these anti-competitive laws, they're gone.

So companies like Time Warner and Comcast had pretty much paid off politicians and made it illegal for other ISPs to come to town and those all got superseded by federal laws today. So allow some more competition to come in. Exactly, exactly. Competition is always a good thing. For us it is, not for them. Right. But yeah, today a major thing happened that the FCC made these rulings and they were they were were strong and they were important. Another very special announcement was made recently. Apparently, Emma Watson is going to appear topless in a film this summer. Ooh, even more critical than the FCC ruling.

Much more important than all that FCC shit. I was thinking about her topless career recently. It was just like yesterday or today. It's like, dude, there is a payday to be made here. She's kind of like a top boxer, right? And that like you are in your prime, baby. How old is Emma Watson? Like 26, 27?

21, maybe? No way. Is she really that young? There's no way. I bet she's 24. She is 24. Okay. But there is a backlog of people

who want to see those hoo-hahs. And it's just like, it is time, baby. She was doing the Mayweather Pacquiao thing waiting until she was past her prime to show the jugs. And baby, cash in now. She'll get $20 million, $30 million for a role where she shows up topless. jugs. And baby, cash in now. She'll get $20 million, $30 million

for a role where she shows up topless. Get some. It doesn't look like she's got jugs, though, to me. She doesn't really need the money, though. She's sitting on all that wizard cash. She doesn't need shit. She's definitely more of the athletic body type.

More of a fit body type. She's worth $60 million. I'm a big of the athletic body type more of a fit body type she's worth 60 million I'm a big fan of her my type that's uh yeah I guess other people are more jug oriented but yeah it's no I like it all the way you got to go for longevity that's that's that's it baby all about fit she's going to star as a young woman who has been sexually abused by her father this is great Emma Watson

auditioning for dad nude scene I want the dad role there's like a pedo incest thing going on here look me up well not pedo but incest is strong well wait are you suggesting that she was in her like eligible year oh i was never mind i was assuming it was like a current

view of her struggle being you know incested or whatever the word is oh she's a story called regression for anyone who wants to dig in regression with it is going to be sad new regression with an R and she's co-starring alongside Ethan Hawke and Meryl Streep is Ethan Hawke the dad I don't know how incestuous dad maybe so

that's my role, bitch! That should be me! Now I feel like Keanu Reeves. They passed me over. I was perfect. Well, that is something to look forward to. Not anymore. I don't know. That sounds sad.

And when you can just see still images online, why watch the sad parts? Are you familiar with MrSkin.com? I am. They're the ones who made Are you familiar with MrSkin.com? I am. They're the ones who made the announcement. They were first on the scene. Wow. That's a ridiculous website. They just compile

all the nude scenes from movies all the time. They've got categorized and searchable. It's like a massive database. They're doing good work i hope it was started by like a couple of frat boys who just like we need to put this together it has to exist yeah the guy who like owns the thing and started it he actually goes on the stern show a lot and and uh it's pretty funny they do like a an award show every year where they name like i

don't know one of the categories is best back burger which is when you can see a woman's pussy from like behind like there's tons of them hang on let me let me let me find a few more here i've got i just happen to have this handy let's see yeah the anatomy awards uh i'm to be googling best back burger. Best full frontal. That went to Scarlett Johansson this year. I just got burgers. Way back burgers.

I'm looking. Best full frontal. I think you could even maybe play the award show and stream it. I'm watching it right now. They seem to be blurring all the nudity. Did you pay the $4 a month to get in?

No, it's free to... Oh, I think there's a teaser that I'm watching. This costs $4 a month? I'm on MrSkin.com slash anatomy awards, but I'm... Is there a video playing? I just hit it. Oh, I'm on MrSkin.com slash anatomy awards, but I'm... Is there a video playing? I just hit it.

Oh, I see what you're seeing. Yeah, I think you could play that. Best breast, best butt, best full frontal, best lesbian scene, best TV show, breast picture, that's a category, celebrity nude debut, nude comer of the the year best ass backwards best BBW best boob squeeze best butthole blur fill yeah best lip slip as I see it best lesbian scene best TV show picture celebrity new debut new comer of the year like you said best BBW is that beautiful woman

best boob squeeze best coin slot best left boob only best right boob only nip slip nip drip nip drip what's a nip drip look at these categories

best nude scene playing a saxophone best nude while smoking. Best nude with robotic arm. Who's your favorite celebrity? Just pick a celebrity female. Emma Watson. She's a tough one. Okay.

Let me see what comes up with Emma Watson. Best triple nipple. God. Triple nipple. Who are there? Best side burger? Skinny dipping? Skinter racial threesome?

Best thong? Triple nipple? Best upside down cake? I wonder what that is. Me too. Hottest masturbation scene? Monster muff? And the last one,

stretchiest nipples. Why would you want that? Stretchiest? I'm about to cough up four bucks. Four bucks a month, and you're going to forget about it. It'll cost you. It'll cost $100 to cancel.

I forgot about Hulu for like three months. Hulu is the bad Netflix. I forgot about Hulu for like three months. Hulu is the bad Netflix. I just canceled mine just last month. I can't stand watching commercials when I pay for the service. That's the whole point.

Now that Parks and Rec is over, there's no reason to have it at all. That was the big reason I wanted it, so I could see Parks and Rec as soon as it came out. Kyle's coming and leaving and my whole scene is getting twisted. Uh-huh. I apologize. Does that mess something up? In a big way, yeah, yeah.

It does. I'm going to go pee. I will just mute my microphone. You will just be left with this. Didn't you pee, like, 40 minutes ago? Get your prostate tested. I did. 39 minutes ago. Wow, that looks like an 8-ounce cup.

How do you hold it in? This holds 4 cups of coffee. I drank 2 of these Gamma Labs here, which is why I'm so hyped late at night. And I'm not peeing. I am glad I'm peeing. I have drank 32 ounces of coffee and 2 12-ounce

Diet Pepsi, so I gotta piss again, if that's okay with everyone. I can do it right here. I'll fill this motherfucker up if you want. That's what I want. Do it. Go ahead and I'll talk. Talker, talker, talker. Fill up your cup. Fill up your cup, bitch. Let's see it. Let's see it.

Whip it out. Come on. Let's see the thick four. It's a feeble three. thick for people three people who don't know we got a new layout we're using Skype now which is why the video is improved but my co-hosts can't see me I need two cameras I need two cameras. Huge loss. I need two cameras to pull off what I want

and I ordered another one. It was supposed to arrive today but there's this big snowstorm and it didn't. Bummer. That's that. The power is out at my new house for two days which suddenly has me wondering should I buy that ridiculous generator?

It's always good to have a backup. Yeah. It's like a whole house generator, so the power goes out. I was looking at whole house instant generators. That, that deluxe package, because I bought a big house. It would be close to $30,000. Wow. It's a lot.

Pocket change. That's one thing of you's a lot. That's like the Cadillac of the Moe's. Can you do like $10,000, $15,000 that'll last for like 8 hours or something? So they both last for a long, long time because they run on propane and

have a 1,000 gallon propane tank. But the other option, something like $10,000, $15,000 like you said, would also be instant on, but it would only power two of the three subpanels. So certain rooms wouldn't have power. I don't know what else. I think the HVAC and AC would run. But, yeah.

One thing I'm just starting to research into is solar. So I could do a solar system that maybe couldn't do the whole house, but it would lower my electric bill every month. Yeah. And then you could get solar and wind. Because usually when it's not sunny, it's windy and vice versa. I hadn't seen that, but it sounds like a good idea. But the nice thing about solar plus batteries is even though it's expensive, they're all expensive but it would lower my bill every month.

There'd be some possible return. Whereas if you're running on propane, there's no concept of return. Right. Yeah, solar would eventually pay itself off in like 20, 30 years or something. Or even if it didn't, right? Even if it like paid itself halfway off. Propane doesn't pay itself off at all. It's just at an expense. And a lot of electric companies will subsidize solar just to help

relieve pressure from their grid. I know in Austin they will pay like half of it or something crazy. I'm just getting started into learning about that. Welcome back, handsome. We didn't see your penis. We were all disappointed. Kind of a narrow viewpoint here anyway. I think I was asleep during that,

which is surprising considering the snoring. You really do snore quite loud. First of all, it's nothing to be embarrassed about. It really isn't because here's the thing. If you farted in your sleep really loudly and it was gross, that would be embarrassing. I feel like that would be bad. But the snoring, it's just like, eh, he snores like my dad snored. I'm used to putting up with it.

I've known lots of people who do. But when you're in the room with one and you realize it for the first time, you're just kind of like, oh, it's going to be one of those. My nose has been broken many times, and I snore. I'm telling you, we'll go get that plastic surgery together. It'll be great. We'll go through recovery and everything together. We should totally do that.

What kind of homo adventure are you two going on? Getting plastic surgery together. What kind of plastic surgery do they do to make you stop snoring? It'd be a nose job. They're going to have to go in there anyway, so they might as well, you know, give him a perfect nose. I have a deviated septum.

I've had a deviated septum. I had surgery on it when i was a teen yeah i had three nose surgeries it's gorgeous now i envy you i um yeah no my genetics are that of a handsome person yet i have this big nose because it's been broken so many times and uh mine was broken three times with basketballs every time. Really? Mine's been broken. Once it was broken in two places, and that was a guy's fist. Another time it was broken in one place, that was a guy's fist.

And another time I was, like, wrestling with a dog, and I got headbutted. That's the four. The dog headbutted you? Yeah. It was just playful sort of thing, but the dog, like, arched his back. Yeah, playful headbutt. What's that? Just a playful headbutt. Like, it wasn't playful sort of thing, but the dog arched his back. Yeah, playful headbutt. What's that? Just a playful headbutt.

It wasn't mad at you. Right. We were wrestling. We did it a lot. We enjoyed it. He would come by me and you could just tell his body language and stuff was like, let's go. He'd do that thing where he goes down on two legs, and he'd want to wrestle and goof off with me. And one of the times we did it, I was like hugging him from the back, and he lifted his head real quickly and hit me with the top of his head in my nose.

And I love that dog, Dakota. He was great. I want to hear about Wicked Shrapnel's three breaks. Not playing basketball, not being involved in basketball. You just got – Well, one was in playing basketball not being involved in basketball just you just got one well one wasn't in playing basketball what the first one was a full someone threw full court basketball across the gym hey look out and i'm looking the other way turn bam right here here pop right is it full court and then another one was playing basketball in someone's backyard and

spin around someone and chest past it right to my face. Boom! My nose just exploded with blood. Dude, bloody noses, I'm sorry, broken noses bleed a lot. Like, a lot.

I wrote my name in blood in his front yard. When I broke mine playing basketball got elbowed in eighth grade they had to change practice to half court because it looked like someone had been murdered on the side where i broke it they're like all right this is just gross who cares just eighth grade basketball get on the other half the the worst of my breaks when i got punched i told the story before walking to the boardwalk etc some of you remember it but i was amazed at how much blood there was like like i was in a parking lot and it was like an entire car space was filled with blood like it was just a ton of blood and uh and i was also oh another thing so i've had my nose broken and then afterwards i was kind of

like still in it right like you know my heart was wherever it needed to be that time I can hardly explain how it just completely took the fight out of me I was done I was calling a timeout you know it was I was worthless after that broken I was just yeah I think I was concussed I don't know but it was like how old were you the first time woody the first time ever it was all teenage stuff um oh yeah i was like 16 17 yeah i think i was 16 i was 19 when i got the worst of them so that was dreadful and then after that i would get frequent nosebleeds just like dry air you know oh me too man it the worst. It would just bleed all the time. I finally got surgery and it never bled again. The first time it happened, I was eight and I remember

cognizantly having a fear running through my basement as I was bleeding. I'm going to run out of blood. This is how it ends. This is how it ends. There's no way there's enough to come out. It was awful. That sounds terrible.

I couldn't breathe through one nostril at all. That's my thing. I have one nostril that operates on about 12% efficiency. Wow, I'm glad my mom paid to get the surgery then. This sounds terrible. I got punched in the nose and it just broke. Then we went to the doctor and they unbroke it. They put it back in place and it's all good.

My mom added an extra surgery. I didn't go to the doctor. I let it heal wrong. I had a bump in my nose from when I was a kid. Just a not good looking bump. Not that noticeable, but when I was under, she was just like, while he's under there, just shave it.

Just fix that a little bit. That's a good mom that's a good mom very good mom yes that's exactly how old were you uh that time i was seven or eight that's when you got that's the she got you circumcised at the same time as well right uh yes we we Two for one coupon. Yeah, yeah. Down there, yeah. Well, at least under. Just snip some along. I know. I'll snip here. No, they're complicated. My mom got depressed when I was 12 and became, like, she wouldn't like being called this, but absentee mom is a term that comes to mind.

Didn't really cook clean or mother very much from when I was like 12 to 18. Jesus, that is like the last third of your childhood. You said that like it was a passing thing. Yeah. That's pretty serious. Yeah, that's a shame. Yeah, I kind of like at the time, there were times when it was like, bad mom, you're terrible.

Did she still fight you hand to hand though so that you knew that she loved you? She still came at you with jabs and crosses right just just to show the love we oh that happened abruptly we we moved to ocean city and um that's when she got depressed the move was bad for her she like left all her friends and such and we stopped having family dinners um we stopped like she stopped checking on my homework or anything like what is it would be prior to that i was an awful kid i was just an awful person i was terrible and i would lie and like not do homework and stuff but at the previous school she was sort of on top of me about it you know they'd need like i'd have to get my

mother's signature and stuff so i'd just forge it and get caught and keep forging it. It was bad. But by the time we moved to the Ocean City, suddenly all the parental supervision and checks and balances were gone. I had no bedtime. So even at 12, I'm out until 11, midnight, just fucking around. I used to sneak out a lot and drink and but that was at like well chucks that started at 13 um so so yeah she was just but she was depressed like i i would call it

see i think clinical depression means you've actually been diagnosed and that didn't happen but but it was no joke you know she was going through something on her own too which it took me like into my adulthood to kind of see her side of it. Well, that's a shame. You're going through that whole thing with the intruder as well? Yeah. Oh, man. That had to be a rough time.

I was 17 when that happened, I remember, because I could drive. Yes. Yeah. Fast forward. Fast forward. Right, right. I'm trying to figure out how much detail to add but

basically this guy would come to our house every weekend and rob us it was typically a Friday or a Saturday every weekend I know right

so you're thinking security's pretty lax around the woodwork get some fucking ADT Jesus I know right like how many times in total every week 14 maybe fucking ADT. Jesus. I know, right? Like how many times?

In total? Every week. 14 maybe? Like a lot. Like we got robbed a lot. After one or two, well then I'd be staking out waiting. We did that. It's funny.

Yeah, so the first time we weren't even sure we had been robbed, right? Like my mom was like, yeah, I thought I had money. She went to the ATM machine on Friday or Saturday and she would have like an envelope filled with cash. Like, you know, that that's how it used to come. Or she went to the bank and got a withdrawal and, um, and the guy would just take the cash. And she was like, I thought I got cash, but since it's missing, I'm not quite sure. And then the second time we got robbed, she was like,

I definitely had cash. There's no doubt about it. It's not just me being flighty or something. The cash is gone. And my brother and I both secretly thought it was each other, because we knew it wasn't ourselves. And my brother initiated the conversation. He's like, Woody, did you do this? Are you the guy stealing mom's money? And I'm like, no, I thought it was you. And we both walked away from the conversation convinced that it wasn't an inside job, that we were being robbed. And then probably week, like I'm making up numbers, but week four or five-ish, one time my mother's purse was actually found in the backyard

with the contents scattered about but the cash gone. And then she started like changing up where she put her purse because it used to be hung on a kitchen chair so kind of in the open i'm sure she was still suspecting you guys too i don't if she did it was never expressed you know like she didn't really ever you know accuse us or ask us about it or anything and um she started putting her purse in like one of the kitchen cabinets as opposed to like almost on display hanging off a kitchen chair. And the burglar would find it, steal it, and that would be that. One time we did a stakeout, like you said, you know, my friend.

Oh, what happened was this. So I used to sleep on the couch a lot. This is another like lack of parenting thing to me, but I used to just sleep on the couch a lot this is another like lack of parenting thing to me but i used to just sleep on the couch a ton and um uh the burglar came in one night and i had my wallet on the coffee table it was like one of these velcro surfer wallets the bait no this wasn't the stakeout the wallet was like 18 inches from me. And he literally came in while I was sleeping, opened the wallet, took the cash out, and tossed it on another couch. We had three couches in our living room.

You did catch this guy. Is this going to end up with you catching him? Let me ask you a question because I never thought of this. At any point, and think hard about this, did anyone ever consider a ghost? No. Ah, that would have been great. The perfect robber, he would be coming in and leaving ectoplasm.

He'd be going in the bathroom, like, huffing. Like, get out on the mirror and stuff. Yeah, they'll never think it's Jamal. That's not a perfect robber. That's just someone terrorizing a family and happening upon some wallets a robber is exactly what woody's describing in and out good time to me like a whisper it wasn't until some balls though robbed you while you're like laying there yeah that double whammy of my money going as opposed to my mother's and the fact that he was i in my head i pictured him actually leaning over me right i'm sleeping

probably snoring on the couch and this guy like smelling your hair he literally like he was right there looking at me sleeping while he was robbing me and that like one my money was gone and two i felt really violated like this was a big deal. That's scary. Yeah. Yeah. Not most of you probably haven't been robbed, but prior to this, I had seen movies. Not while I was in the house. I've had my shit broken into and shit stolen, but not with me present.

That's freaky. I had seen a movie prior to this where the woman described this like feeling of invasion and how she wasn't safe in her own home and everything. And I thought like that I wouldn't share that feeling if it were to happen to me. Well, it did happen to me and i did share that feeling the fact that my home wasn't a safe zone anymore was a really big deal to me so um uh then we did a stakeout because i got robbed and i didn't feel comfortable and stuff and my friends and i had these grand plans we were gonna duct tape a chair, not tell my parents about him, shave a thief into his head.

This is the teenage mind at work. We were really thinking through it. 25 to life, Woody. Kidnapping. Conspiracy. Yeah, we had all we were going to beat him down and shave

him and embarrass him and do all sorts of crazy stuff. But we couldn't be quiet. After like five minutes, like, I'm bored. Yeah, so we ended up just sitting in our dining room, like, talking to each other all night long, and the robber didn't come. But one time. Like, Jamin heard you talking and left. This is how it ended. I was up super late it was like

4 a.m or something and i'm watching the um these lumberjack cutoffs have you guys seen this on espn yes they put like a motorcycle engine on a chainsaw and just cut wood really quickly and uh and i hear uh the steps we had a basement and the steps were creaking and I heard it like creak, creak. Oh my God. That freaked me out. Yeah. And I'm like, like,

like suddenly I'm on like, like high alert. It's like code red right here. Like, did I just hear creaking? The call is coming from inside the house. And sure enough, like,

cause I heard it in like the first three of 12 steps and like, yeah. And then it's, it's getting to be like really confirmed that there's definitely an intruder entering my house from the basement so i head over to the to where the basement door led into the house and i see his fingers right it's oh my god yeah were they long and spindly ghost white white? That's when you want to just cut them off. They were spindly. He was a light-skinned black guy.

Racist. Right, that makes me racist. So I saw his fingers through the door. He was pulling it back closed again or something. Maybe he heard me. I don't know what the idea was. So I kicked the door in his fingers and then opened it. And the guy was perfect.

So 17-year-old me was like a little late to the puberty game. I had just gained a lot of height, but I was real skinny. This guy, though, he must have been like 5'3", 105 pounds. Like he was just a tiny person with no muscle mass whatsoever. And I start screaming at him. Motherfucker! Fuck you! Gonna fucking kill me! And he looks at me.

Eyes go wide open. And he falls straight backwards down the stairs. On his ass, right? He's like in shock. And he falls backwards and tumbles down the stairs. When he gets to the bottom, he races out. And there's a door that leads outside. I gave chase to about

the door, I guess. At that point, I woke my father up by yelling at the burglar. My father goes racing out the back door and chases him in the alley. He didn't catch him. The guy had a bike. We had a small guest house in the backyard. He had a bike leaning against

that and he just took that and rode off down the alley and uh from there we called the police and the canine team came and uh the police had an idea who it was so they went to his house like hoping to catch him on his way home and and like nab him in the act with like i don't i don't know what the evidence there'd be but maybe they'd bring him over and ask me to identify him. But they didn't catch him on the spot. And the dogs followed the scent to the end of the block, and then it kind of died off. I guess a guy on a bike doesn't leave much of a scent.

The story kind of ends with, I read in the paper, of a guy who fit his description, like his height, weight, skin color, being charged with like 28 burglaries. But no one really notified us that like this is the guy and such. I didn't get full closure, but I'm pretty sure he got busted. Wow. That stakeout story reminded me of the guy that got convicted.

It was an old dude. There was kids that were robbing houses in his neighborhood. And he got a gun and waited in his basement with the lights out and parked his car down the street to make it look like he wasn't home and just waited there until they broke into his house and he killed them both.

His downfall was he recorded the audio. He recorded the audio and he said he was calling him a bitch and calling him names and shot him, and they were already disabled, and then he finished them off. Seems like you should be allowed to do that.

That wasn't the same guy who did it in his garage, was it? No, he was in his basement. Okay, because there was a guy who basically... This kid goes in his garage, opens the garage door up like a foot or two, and then puts a purse inside the garage within view of the outside. And some poor German exchange student was just

walking along, minding his own business, saw it, walked up there, and this kid gunned him down. Yeah, he was just hunting people. Well, that one was kind of... I remember hearing that one. People had been breaking into his garage and stealing stuff, but he did kind of, like, leave

bait in that one. Yeah, and in the same way, he, like, finished them off. Like, it was one of those things where he, like, shot the guy, and then he, like, walked over and took aim while he was on the ground, like, dying and shot him again. You know? Well, that's not... That's not cool but another little piece to my story and it altered my view on witness testimony but i was

so close to my guy that if i had reached forward i could have touched him right like i could have touched you put my hand on his shoulder that's how close we were and i got pretty significant things about him wrong like he was wearing a hat. I knew that. I thought it was a blue hat. And in my head, it was kind of like Dr. Chiz's hat, but blue denim. It turned out to be a baseball cap, also blue, with the Harlem Globetrotters logo on the front of it.

Because it fell off when he fell down the stairs. And it was like, huh, I got that hat really fucking wrong. The only thing right was it was blue. You'd make a terrible witness have you watched brain games on netflix i haven't watched it i actually watched an episode of that yeah they did just that they like staged a crime and all these people saw it and it was like totally different all these different things that people saw okay Okay. It's like,

it's the most, it's an interesting show, but it's so condescending in its own right. And I know you'll know what I mean. We're like, it sets up things where it's like, you know, those optical illusions where there's like a gray panel and another gray panel. And they're like,

which one do you think is grayer? And instead of being like, actually, they're the same shade of grayness. It's just this that makes it different. It's some guy like, you're so fucking stupid. You thought they were different, jackass. And then they have the robbery happen, and they're asking people who are honestly trying to help.

Like, yeah, I think it was a young guy with a plaid shirt, maybe a hat. And they're like, you wish, dumbass. And then they're showing everything else. And it's just condescending. And it's like, you could have made this cool. They're showing everything else. It's just condescending. It's like you could have made this cool, but you're being a dick about it. You know what I saw that was cool? You remember the Ferguson protests and the shooting and that guy with the swishers and whatever? One of the lead protesters, like the guy that was organizing the angry people, the police invited him to come and do a drill that they do with new policemen.

And essentially it was like a shoot, don't shoot drill. And if you watch it with a critical eye, you can see it was kind of set up, you know, to, to, to create failure amongst the guy taking the test. So the first thing is this guy has a flat tire and he's completely friendly, you know, and then the cop comes up to him and he's like, oh yeah, I'm so glad you're here. I'm having a hard time with this. And he's like, my tire iron doesn't fit on the thing. And he reaches on the back bumper. There's a gun, pulls out the gun, shoot, shoot, shoot.

And you're like, well, fuck, you know, there's a situation you didn't see coming. So then the next time there's a, and he's like, now you're dead, right? You didn't do it right. You didn't, you didn't manage the guy incorrectly. And you know, you didn't even ask him to comply. And you're in trouble. So the next time, there's two people fighting. And the cop goes to break up the fight.

And the guy puts hands on the cop. He's pushing on his chest. What's wrong with you, man? Back up. We don't have a problem here. Why are you giving me a hard time? And the cop shoots. And they're like, well, now you shot an unarmed man.

This guy did nothing wrong. He was just fussinging with someone else and you came up and you killed him and uh and then there was a third scenario but you're like aha i can even see that the first scenario the guy seemed totally friendly then he pulls out a gun the second scenario now he's already jumpy having failed the first test for not shooting quick enough they invoked a quick shot in the second scenario. And then the third one, I don't recall, but I can see the importance of complying based on watching this stuff. They really got the guy to do it all wrong. And then he walked over the same thing.

He's like, I'm going to tell my followers that you've got to comply. The police are in a really tough spot. Yeah, it would definitely be scary. I mean, they're probably setting him up to comply. The police are in a really tough spot. It would definitely be scary to be out there. I guess there are some scenarios eventually you're going to run into something that happens like that. You need to be prepared, but don't be so

trigger happy that he was shooting when he didn't need to shoot. My robbery problem, dude, so I had night terrors after that. You needed a night knife i had a night knife but not like kyle's kyle show him your night knife that's what i needed right there i slept with a knife under my bed for like a decade like for a long murder the darkness in the night with night knife

i i had these night terrors this this dream that the the guy would walk in the night with night knife i i had these night terrors this this dream that the the guy would walk in the door like his back lit so all i had was like a silhouette and i couldn't like stand up and do anything brave i was just like in my dream paralyzed with fears i tried to talk but i couldn't even yell out and then i would wake up in sweats and um it was one of the reasons i like jackie she would like like you know woody it's okay it's okay it's just me everything's all right and uh you know sort of helped me cope with my my nightmares which uh which circles around to my fucking general contractor giving the password to my new house to jamal thanks thanks ed well it's like a key That was a personal moment.

It's just like, thanks, Ed. God damn it. I love that. That's a real fucker road you got over there. You're not stealing anything that nefarious. It's going to change the size of your ground molding in the night. He'll just break in and install mismatched doors.

So you can get into your house with a password? Like someone can hack it? It's the garage door opener. It has a password you can key in. Oh, okay. I got that too. So I'll have to change that. The password we had was my first choice. Now I need to go to something else.

I've already started thinking of things. Should I use Fibonacci sequence? You know, what is that thing? Not now. What is that thing for moles? I don't know. I've been thinking of different ideas. Just use guest.

That's what I use for everything. So, yeah, we need to sort the password out, I guess. Fucking A. So I got my paintball gun for the PKA YouTuber meetup paintball game. Show me. I know it's nearby. Look at that thing. Yeah. What? know it's nearby. Get that thing. Get the iPod on it.

Let me zoom out a little bit here. Oh, you figured out the zooming under Skype? Yeah. Yeah, you did. You're going to ruin kids' weekends. It's a iPod? Oh my god. Wow. That is a paintball gun.

This is my paintball gun. This is my paintball gun. This is the Dye Dam. Dam is Dye Assault Matrix. I'm not sure what kind of optic I'm going to put on this thing. I'm going back and forth. I'll put this L-can on there, most likely, but if I'm able to get my thermal

stuff in time, and I'm about 80% sure I'll have the scope in time for the thing, then I'm going to put like an $8,500 scope on this $1,500 gun that's already got about $500 or $600 worth of accessories on it and I think I'll be able to honestly say I have the most

expensive paintball setup ever assembled. Yes. You need to get that scope that like automatically will fire once it's right on target. That's what I'm for. Like a mile away.

It's a magazine feed. You can do it that way. And each of these is 10 rounds of first strike rounds if I want. Those conically shaped rifle projectiles that shoot accurately for 150 feet. Or I can

flip a little switch here. Just flip this, yeah, that forward. And I can go to hopper feed so I can have like a big 200 round hopper on top. Or, my personal favorite, though I've got to update the software on the gun apparently.

Jesus Christ. Wonderful toys! Oh my god. Oh my god, it's so overpowered. You can go to the fucking 320 round box mag, 28 balls per second. Oh my god. This is just pay to win. This is just a pay to win game for you.

This is a pay to win. I'm very excited about the upcoming paintball game. I'm gonna put a bayonet on this thing like a foam one. Like a foam one. And I'm very excited about the upcoming paintball game. I'm going to put a bayonet on this thing, like a foam one. Like a foam one. And I'm going to have a couple GoPros. I got a GoPro thing that attaches to my back. So it's like a scorpion tail.

And the GoPro hovers over my shoulder right here. And I'm going to put a GoPro looking straight through this site. Can you link that again, Kyle? I'll show it to everyone. Yes. That's amazing me let me get that so I'm gonna have like four GoPros total rocking and what I'm gonna be on the front so if I pay an aunt somebody it's gonna be from that point of view as I poke them all right that is so cool I'm just jealous and all those kids are gonna you. I have been working out. I don't want to play with Kyle. It hurts. I've never played paintball before, but I want that. I'm looking.

Would it be tools and accessories? Where the hell is this thing? No. Did you link it yet? Is that like a custom design thing? Or is that like you can go to... The dye dance? Your whole setup there, that paintball game. Yeah, you can go to the die dam? Your whole setup there.

That paintball good. Yeah, you can order that offline. It's $1,500. It's called a die dam. Die Assault Matrix is what the dam part stands for. It doesn't normally come with that scope and that box rotor is extra. Alright, I'm going to test something here.

I got like 20 of these. It's going to be... So it's the die be... The die dance. So it's the die-die assault matrix? Yeah. So this is the backpack that he's going to be rocking for a third-person shooter view of it. I got to say, I feel like the effort I put into the PKA production values

is just stepping up. You guys can't see it now, but someday you will. Looks good. That's like Dr. Octopus. Yes, I'm going to be the scorpion. It's going to be a lot of fun. I'm really excited. I'm going to put that on and start doing my runs with that on.

I think I should be running with a gun and everything. I've been mostly on the elliptical and doing weights, but I feel like I need to lose as much fat as possible so that I'm more speedy. So I'm down to 175 pounds from 188. So

I got a ways to go. I got to get faster. Like my 0-60 is pretty, my acceleration is pretty weak right now, but I'm working on cardio right now and I'm going to have a lot of fun when we get to fucking Chicago. I hope a lot of you come out and play with us because i'm really excited to see you all and hope that you are on his team with that setup i would like a lot of you to come too but especially if you're like not special like if you're like 12 years old and you've

got a bit of a weight issue come on out come. Come on out. We got a spot for you. You'll make a great target. Yeah, absolutely. Are you nine years old and a little bit frightened? Come play. Come play. You're going to see me doing like the Matrix cartwheel while shooting and stuff. I was telling Chiz, I was like, you know, I'm halfway considering some gymnastics classes

because I really feel like if I do that, I feel like if I got a month of gymnastics in, that would really be worth it. You could have a one-handed cartwheel down pat. That's if I – yeah, absolutely. A lot of upper body strength, some balance, I think some core strength building. I think it would be good. I'd probably be in there with a bunch of 12-year-old girls, but I mean that's a plus I suppose. So I'm definitely considering it. I could do a backflip into the swimming pool.

That's about the extent of my gymnastic ability. I'm going to go ahead and get my Wings of Redemption obstacle course set back up. So I'm going to be out there hurtling and running through cream corn and doing my Jeremy pulls. I'm going to get ready to roll when April comes around. Did you guys see the pushes I put in there? That's what the show looks like now. It looks great. I'm digging it. Except that I'm mid blink

in one of them. I look like a maniac. I didn't know it was. Very cool. That does look very nice. I like that a lot better. It's a lot cleaner. And all of our pictures are much better. Quality.

Real nice. I'm excited for that thing. Right now, it's a bit tentative, but everything is focused on making that thing happen on the weekend of April. Let me be exact about this. The 10th is a Friday,

so that's when I'm heading that way. But it'll probably be Saturday, the 11th and 12th at Paintball Explosion just outside Chicago, Illinois. That should be cool. Hey, so I think everyone but Kyle and I were vaping.

I guess that's just the two of you. Vaping. Dude, vaping is going crazy. It seems like I were vaping. I guess that's just the two of you. Vaping. Dude, vaping is going crazy. It seems like everyone's vaping. What is the scoop with vaping? I've been doing it since, it's like three years now, maybe? October 2012.

October 2012. I smoked for, since I was 18. When I turned 18, it's like, I can buy cigarettes now. I might as well do it. It makes you cool. It wasn't about that. It was just like I'm now allowed.

It's like when I turned 21, I went to the bar because I was allowed to now. I think I had been to a bar before. It's like a rite of passage. Like, I bought a lottery ticket when I turned 18. I think it was like one of two or one of

one I ever bought. Just the fuck of it, you know? I can never buy a lottery ticket. You mean a stupid tax? It was a $1 like, you know, like the lucky seven that you can't win, and if you do do you win like a fucking pack of airheads i won i won eighty dollars one time on like a ten dollar scratch off you would

you ass i uh i was leaving vegas one time after having a great time and and i won like eight hundred dollars in the airport just sitting there waiting on the plane um nice you get lucky with the machines every now and then not so much with the roulette though not not i was there for so much demise i'm lifetime ahead of the casinos now the truth is i hardly ever bet you know like i'm just out and i think betting i'm behind but this is what happened one night we went it was me and then this this other couple we've been friends with forever that the dentist and his wife. And there was a guy there who felt like he was being lucky because Danielle, this other woman, and Jackie, my wife, were there. And he was winning at the craps table consistently. And then he was feeding money to my, I think she was my fiance at the time, Jackie.

And I wasn't sure. Like, Indecent Prop proposal had like recently happened like it was a fresh movie and i'm just like i don't know how i'm feeling about this whole thing but but it's money and i didn't have any and i it was really like even just like five dollars ten dollars at a time i think he gave jack like $190 to just stand there, blow on the dice every so often. And I'm right there with her. It's not like she's going to walk away.

But it's creepy. It is kind of a little insulting though to your manhood. Come on. It's like you blow on God's gang keys for luck. I mean, come on. Say, hey pretty lady, blow on the guy's panties for luck. Saying, hey pretty lady,

blow on these dice, it'll make me lucky. And he's definitely more worried about the dice at that point than the girl. I guess it depends on the situation and how he's acting. Maybe so. So he was older, right?

I'm going to call him like 31, and Jackie was probably like 21, something like that. And he just liked having Jackie and Danielle, the other girl, nearby while he played craps. He felt like they were good luck. I don't know what else he was feeling, but I just – He was feeling something. Yeah, but money. feeling you know but i i just feeling something yeah it's just but but if a midget walked by after he won a thousand dollars you can bet your ass he wouldn't pay that guy to stand next to him that's what i'm saying i think he liked having the girls flank on either shoulder

but it's like the you know the picture of the casino where it's like some guy like and then there's the two hot chicks and that's what it's supposed to be. I've still never gambled. I want to try it. You've never gambled? Hey, you're ahead of the game. Well, I'm technically even.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Even today, I'm like, was I selling Jackie? Oh, my God. Well, not in a bad way. You were renting her.

Come on. I was renting her. All right, fair point. Yeah. I also got two of the pistols. What am I looking at? Oh, those are the, they fire first strike paintballs. Yeah, the magazine fed first strike ones.

And I can hook this one up to my coiled remote now, so I don't need CO2. I can just keep switching mags. I'm really, really excited about this. Wait, you can hook that up to what? Like a coiled remote? You screw a little thing in here, and there's a coiled hose

that goes to the compressed air on my back. So it can go super lightweight with this. For people that don't know, the pistols have a little co2 cartridge and um you run out of it's tough because it i have a hard time in my head i'm not that experienced of tracking it i think a cartridge can fire about two magazines like maybe 12 rounds total does that sound about right to you something like that yeah and uh you're like, but what happens is... That's not much in paintball. In a round, you'll shoot like three or four,

and then you just put those two back in, and then you're not quite sure if it'll do the whole next one or not. Well, it's all... With the Tiberius, the CO2 goes here, and the ammo goes here in your magazine. I just throw a fresh one in every time.

They don't have drum mags for those pistols? I just had a guy 3D print me a drum mag for my rifle. It's going to hold like 50 rounds of first strikes, so I'll be able to shoot those fully automatic. But I don't think there's a drum mag for this. I should probably look into that. So Kyle might do a new cartridge for every magazine, but I think most people don't

because a cartridge will be about two magazines. Oftentimes you don't even shoot a whole round. You might shoot two that round. That's all the targets you got an opportunity to shoot at. And then you're just stuck not knowing quite how many paintballs you have left versus air and stuff.

If you have a cartridge, then that's nice. The coil-fed thing is cool, because you have virtually limitless air. $40. That's nice. No, no, no. I'm looking forward to paintball, but I'm looking forward to the whole trip. I'm looking forward to

the steakhouse that night. I'm looking forward to the paintball that day. I'm looking forward to watching movies. Hell, Game of Thrones will be on, right? Yeah, I think so. What night of the week is it? Isn't it last week of April?

Maybe I'm wrong then. Last time we were doing Legends, I remember this is so gay. Joe Lozon and I shared a bed and watched on someone's laptop and me and Kyle fought in the grass at a Marriott

yeah it was a good time we watched that shit chomping man oh yeah we had our drinking contest on my laptop like an idiot yeah that was a great one of the most horrific things on the world that's

a real good time i don't remember it was i there not there for that maybe no you ducked out of most of the gross contest where you're like i don't want to sit here because it was a drinking contest of kitty sat across the table we had the laptop face toward myself white boy kelly kyle maybe t-mart yeah i don't recall if T-Mart was taking part. And then Kyle was picking, and we were picking the most disgusting videos we could. And then if they detected any semblance of emotion whatsoever, we had to sit there like stoic sociopaths and watch this horrific nonsense. And if we made a response, we had to take a shot of tequila or a shot of something else.

And it was not the best idea in retrospect. No, no. It sounds like a neat idea it sounds but the thing is like if i don't feel like drinking man you're such a third wheel right being the like the sober guy at a drinking contest you just leave none of us wanted to drink woody that's why we had we kept our faces straight. Yeah. Kitty was like, hey, you twitch, you twitch. I'm like, I didn't fucking twitch, and I don't want to drink that warm vodka. I'm like, come on now. I did not twitch.

Yeah, we just had a bunch of warm Svedka or something awful. So then I'm having to drink this when I don't feel like I should have had to, so I'm just. You were getting actually competitive about it. I drank a whole bottle of scotch in a live stream last Friday. What kind of scotch? Isn't that scotch? Glenmorangie. Is that how you say it?

That's a popular thing now, the drinking and the live streaming and such. Well, I don't drink too often, and I didn't intend to drink the whole bottle. It just kind of happened over a period of four hours, but by the end of it I was pretty damn shit-faced. I could not hang. I didn't even remember going to bed or stopping the live stream.

I'm glad I didn't do anything stupid that would get my channel shut down. But I posted the last 30 minutes of the live stream on my channel and I, but I posted like the last 30 minutes of the live stream on my channel and I was pretty shit-faced calling everyone motherfucker. That's an expensive evening. That stuff isn't like 60 bucks.

It was like 40 bucks maybe for the bottle. Yeah, I'm jealous. That's going to be a fun trip for you guys well there's another trip that that i was discussing uh maybe after this one and it's even less uh concrete than the uh is it paintball related uh-uh no it would be it would be the survival trip yeah yeah yeah okay. It might be too early to talk about that.

Do people take a tally of the things that we talk about that don't happen? I'm going to add this in the list. What's the score? I think we've done about three things and not maybe 12. Well, it depends. Let's go

through some. So, bug fights. I was worried that we were going to get in trouble for basically making bugs fight to the death. It seems like bug torture. And nobody wanted to house fucking sand spiders. Are there bug rights activists, though? Well, you're putting it on the internet.

I just didn't want it to become a thing. I can just see I've got this YouTube channel where a scorpion is stabbing a tarantula in the eyeball while like and i'm giving a you know sound to face like no not my eyes not my eyes yes take it in the eye take it in the eye and you know it's funny and it's hilarious but somebody's just like calling the bugs rights activists and they're they're all outside my house picketing and stuff i don't want any i want to take any chances here so nobody cares about bugs.

Not even Beedle would care. He's just going to be talking about chickens and then a bee lands on him like, Save the chickens! And Kitty was very anti sand scorpions living in the house and tarantulas and all that shit.

They get loose. You just got to burn the fucking house down. So I've got this fucking terrarium.'s in the other room i even bought some sand for it and i had all these ideas for like cool backgrounds to do it's a cool concept it'd be a real fun project to do but i'm still worried about having deadly creatures in my house and torturing them to death essentially because i wanted to put the hazards in there like in uh the running game or the running man it wouldn't be deadly you wouldn't get like actual venomous creatures you'd get just like the scary beat down creatures you know that one didn't work out though however we did our we totally went on the survival trip we made that we made that happen i just i just got very ill and there are people who don't believe i

got very ill it was awful he got ill yeah't believe I got very ill. It was awful. No, he got ill. Yeah, yeah. It was awful. I tried to record it. I tried to record him vomiting like a good friend would. And when I held the camera up, it wasn't so dark that I couldn't see. But on the camera, it was pitch black. If I was going to fake being sick, I'd have been like, all right, come here.

I'm going to puke now. Something like that. I was really sick. It was a full moon and it was like foggy out under a full moon so to my eye it almost seemed lit you guys were like drinking out of streams and stuff were you he swallowed a bunch of turtle shit I think I swallowed swallowed what river water yeah that's all'll do it Do you think that's what did it to you? Were you sick beforehand? I don't know to be honest

I really don't I just know it felt awful And I was still not well And when you got home you didn't just bounce right back You were sick for like In retrospect, totally the right idea to bail Yeah, I was really sick But I've got an idea for another survival trip That would be even cooler In retrospect, totally the right idea to bail. Yeah, I was really sick.

But I've got an idea for another survival trip that would be even cooler, and I already have wheels turning and people are being asked if they would have us. It would be going to somewhere really cool. Yes, mega cool. I'm clued in to the details of this. We'll see if we can make it happen. How many hours did you guys make it in the wilderness Before Kyle's Dysentery

We were threatening 24 It's like that movie 128 hours Kyle's version is like 91 minutes 91 minutes in the wilderness It was rough It really was It just shows the clock On his watch just slowly ticking 91 minutes in the wilderness. It was rough. It really was. I might have died.

It just shows the clock on his watch just slowly ticking like 3 p.m. in his letters. 308. It couldn't have gone any worse. It really couldn't have. I could have dealt with hunger or anything, but it was just intense nausea just puking my guts out.

I drank out of a creek when I was a young teen and remember having some explosive internal combustion coming out of my head. Young teen. How old is young teen? Because the fact that you used teen, that's inexcusable.

You just drank out of a dirty stream. No, it wasn't dirty. It was in the winter God he's got a woman's bladder It was clean looking water And I thought it was just Snow melting It's snow water

You saw it in all the movies Yeah there was Bad things in there That's my stomach So what else is on the list of things We talked about doing Yeah, there was bad things in there. That's not funny. Yeah, so what else is on the list of things we talked about doing? You know, there's Fat Lincoln. That was a thing we were going to do.

You were going to fight that guy at PAX like four years ago? Never did that. That wasn't my fault. He didn't want to i wonder how obviously jesus is doing nowadays oh that's who that was i forgot yeah i forgot who that was i i don't know if he shut his channel down i haven't looked in ages but he stopped uploading i remember he basically did a thing where he said like he's depressed or mentally ill or something and that he would get better if you guys funded a vacation for him to go

to Europe. Well, you know, technically he might get a little better for two weeks. I don't know. And that's the last I've heard of him. Wow. Yeah. What do we have here?

What is that? He has so many toys. Is that the turkey shoot gun thing? I might have... Oh, is that like the... Sniper paintball rifle? He has a shotgun with like an

8-12 foot barrel. Something like that. Is that the punt gun, Kyle? Kyle, you're muted. Yeah, we don't hear you. This is my 12 gauge pump that's got the super crazy long barrel. How long is that barrel?

I'll give you some reference. How long is that barrel? I'll give you some reference. How long is that? Too long. That's the shotgun that you brought out that day. Yes. But it's red now, it wasn't red before. It's red, it's been painted. Hang on a sec. I don't like it that way.

Kyle does stuff to his guns that other people don't. He'll just be like, you know what, I need a gold AK. And he'll spray paint that shit. This will be a cool way to get an idea, so here we go. Oh my god. It's like impossibly long. Hold it by the stock like you're a soldier. I want to see how much it extends past your shoulder.

Oh, hang on. I'll stand back here. Wow. So for people that don't know, there are these shooting competitions where you need to get the most amount of pellets onto a flying target. Still can't even see the top.

Above his head. He's trying to touch it with his hand. And by having a long barrel like that, it keeps Above his head. He's trying to touch it with his hand. That's a spin on a stripper bolt. And by having a long barrel like that, it keeps the pellets together. So if you shoot it well, then all the pellets get on target. Well, that's ludicrous. Yeah, it's for a particular kind of... For home defense.

If you live in a long hallway. Can you explain what that gun is for? I did a poor job at it. Shooting turkeys at 1,000 yards? They have a competition called a turkey shoot. You're not actually shooting any turkeys. Your prize is a turkey. They usually do them around Thanksgiving,

and they'll take a poker card, or they'll draw a dot on a pie plate, and they'll have the target at 30 yards, 40 yards, 50 yards. Everyone uses the same ammunition. You fire one shot at the target and whoever gets the most BBs in the designated area wins the turkey. So the goal is to shoot a very, very

tight pattern of shots so that you've got more in the center. And a barrel like that does that very, very well. Do they give you a live turkey that you get to shoot or just like a butterball turkey? Like a butterball turkey. So have you competed with that gun in this competition? I saw that gun in a gun store and I said I'll take one of those.

I've only shot it in the field. I've shot a lot of stuff with it but never competed with it. I really should. I probably will this year, now that you mention it. It'd just be silly. There's no rule on how long the barrel can be? No. So why not longer?

Any more than that doesn't seem like it would be functional. Is it the distance from where you're standing or the front of the barrel? It seems like you could get a barrel that touches the playing card at some point. If you're a key man and can hold up 50 pounds of steel. I mean, what are the rules, right? Can you go inspect the target,

maybe prop the barrel on it, and then walk back? Yeah, I was a kid the last time I competed in one of those. I was like 10 or 12, so I don't really remember the rules. But that thing's definitely the way to go because I've shot it against my own extra, extra full turkey chokes, and that thing beats them. What's in your hand now? What do we got there?

I don't know if I've shown this one on the show yet. This is my Nighthawk, my 8AC edition Nighthawk. It's a 1911, and I've got a Osprey 45 suppressor on it from Silencer Co. Makes it very, very quiet. And you can see it's not a round suppressor. It's square. Gives it

more volume. Why do you need a silencer? Looks pretty cool. I'm just being an asshole. I like silencers because you don't have to wear ear protection and you can kind of casually talk back and forth with people like yeah yeah watch this yeah yeah that was cool watch it and like especially with the 45 acp because they're subsonic so the rounds are not breaking the sound barrier you can suppress them down to the point where they're about as loud as a paintball gun. That's how loud this one is.

When I put some water in here, which makes it more effective, it's even a little bit quieter. You can shoot one of these in a house and maybe somebody at the other end of the house probably wouldn't even notice. It's really quiet. Here's Morgan would not approve. Here's Morgan would disapprove of any of those fun guns.

I definitely approve. I think it looks real cool. And they kind of punished it out last time I got it coded. So, it's got a Punisher helmet there. They made it on site. I love your toys. Thank you. And for the first time

ever, I have a couple guns. Yeah, you do. On the show. I got a. guns. Yeah, you do. On the show. Yeah. I got a.357. That is your girlfriend's carry? This is her carry. Yes, she does. It's a.357 and it's not like a tiny little

J-frame either. I think it's a K. That's a full-size gun. Yeah. It's solid. Not carry, because that would be ludicrous to carry this if you're not a Navy SEAL. uh that's a full-size gun yeah yeah it's it's solid and then i've got my not carry because that would be ludicrous to carry this if you're not a navy seal who has room to just carry it my sig p226 mark 25 chambered in nine mil 15 plus one a lot of fun to shoot at rodents with

or really anything but not anything that's appropriate. I was shooting one of those when I was in Texas. I shot a rabbit with it. I liked it a lot. It had a laser and a flashlight on it. It was pretty cool. I don't have a laser. I don't have anything on it, but I feel like I'd look kind of like a tool if I put something on the rails.

It's pretty nice if you're actually clearing a house or something like that, you know, you're looking for somebody, making sure there's not a boogeyman in the closet. It's nice to have a light on there because you can, you know, a lot of those lights you can tap them twice and it's like pulsating mode that just blinds the fuck out and disorients anybody that you might shine it upon. Kyle, will you tell your house clearing story, the most recent one?

My house clearing story? You told it on PKNs. Oh, okay. Yeah, do you just want me to pick up, um, you know... I want the long version. Cause it's awesome. Alright, let's let WickedTrap I've never picked it. I got a

50 round drum on my Glock with a bayonet. So this is just what I do with my concealed carry. I want to see that thing presented into evidence He bayoneted the man three times Your honor Is that a 32 round? This is 30. The other one's a 50 round drum. Good lord. What kind of block is that?

It's a G19. 19. Is that the 9? What is that, a 9? That's the subcompact 9, right? Or the compact 9. It's not compact, though. It's not as long a barrel

as the 17, I don't think. Right, the 17 is the full size. I know the 17 fits my hand better, but the 19 is very... And the 19 is a choice of a lot of people, it seems. Yeah, I think it's smaller than the 17, right? Both the barrel and the handle part.

Yeah. I lost all... People are going to lose all credibility. Okay, so where do you want to start with this story? I want you to start at the... They were telling you about intruder issues. Okay, so I went to Texas this week,

and I was hanging out. Yeah, Texas! It was nice. I drove right past you. I was hanging on this really big wild game ranch that's on the Mexico border pretty near it. And they were telling me it's 18,000 acres, so it's an enormous place. And they were telling me on the end of the property there's an old shack where the illegals would sometimes make a pit stop there. And there were some old mattresses in there, and maybe they'd store water in the trees.

And he talked about they would sometimes post a lookout in a tree. So they would see the dune buggies heading out that way. And they would run away or whatever. But they'd see that the Mexicans would write their names on the walls on the inside. That they'd pass through there and such. So he said that we were going to ride out there. We were going to check on it. We were going to see if we could catch any.

And if we did, we were going to turn them over to border control. And I was like, okay. I've been along for the ride thus far. So we all arm up i've got a fully automatic like m4 like um i don't know whole modular laser system green laser um fully automatic uh red dot sight suppressor um got the thing in a harness i've got it like you know attached right here really tight we're riding we're riding along in the buggy we finally get all the way out there and it's a rundown shack it really is and he points to the trees like that's where they we

think they'll put like a lookout and you can see they were like there were some steps that kind of led up the tree that somebody like tacked against the tree and i was like uh-huh he said well who wants to clear the house and i was like fuck i'll go all right let's do this i get my fucking m4 i kind of crouch you got to like go really low to get into this thing you got to like bend over and go under some fallen beams so i'm going in there i'm checking corners going left and right creeping along through there i'm i'm my seriousness level is probably at like a six and a half out of ten i'm paying attention to what I'm doing, trying not to make any mistakes, and I am conscious that there could be somebody in here,

but probably not, right? So I go into the back room. I can see there's a bathroom, and I kind of peek in the bathroom. The light's reflecting off the mirror, so I can see where the light's bouncing into. All right, nothing's in there. Go to this last back room i check left first and i and i should have known better than that because i i switch back to the right look over here in this corner and there's a guy six feet tall ski mask he's got an assault rifle and he's got it pointed right at me like right here and my gun's kind of pointed low still and i'm just like and it's a fucking dummy it's a fucking dummy I'm ready to blow this thing away like I'm about to light you up with some SS-109 from belly button to head and it's a

fucking like dummy holding an airsoft rifle that's an m16 style and they've painted it all black and it was just they set him up it didn't scare me that bad i didn't scream i just went i sent my i sent my buddy in there with like a whole story though i was like yeah man go check that back room there was a trap door in the bottom you could see dude there was somebody out here like a minute ago like maybe they went down that trap door and like went out the back or something and he's like oh shit he's got his hand on his pistol on his side. He creeps around, looks in that corner and he's like, ah!

Nobody shot the dummy? Nobody shot the dummy. It was a really good gag. Would shooting the dummy be considered a bad thing, a rookie mistake? That'd be really bad if you made that error. Yeah, you're supposed to be looking for bad moves. You should fully identify your target. It sounds like that dummy had the jump on you. really bad if you made that error yeah yeah you're supposed to be looking for yeah you should

fully identify your target because it sounds like that dummy had the jump on you and that your recognition would have got you killed dummy would i would have been dead anyway dumb dummy got me got me uh looking the wrong way yeah i cleared that room well wow well how do you know what to check right or left first i mean i should have i should have peeked it i should have looked in the left corner in a way that didn't expose me from the right and then did the inverse okay i went too far into the room to check the the left corner he had practically walked in the room before you check the other side i was you know because i was like half-assing it and i have places where they told you the right way to do it you know and i've cleared kill houses before.

So it was a real rookie mistake. I was minorly embarrassed, but it was like it was a dummy back there. The same thing happened to everybody that walked back there. One of the guys there had been, I don't know where he had served, but he had some military experience, and he's talking about going back there. There used to be a Troy Aikman back there, like football and all, getting ready to throw and he's like yeah you know i walked in there i went i he's like flip he's like i got ready i flipped my safety off was ready to fire and but he had his hands like this and we're trained if we see hands

not to shoot he's like he was smiling at me that big he was like, oh. And they had done it to another guy who was like, there is a hunter or something. And it had almost given him a heart attack. He came out like walking backwards, like out of the building. Like, hey, somebody in there. Hey, somebody in there. Stan, there's somebody in there. And they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

They're having to calm him down. I've never cleared a house like that. Like, I've gone bump in the night and cleared my own house but I don't have any training I'm told that to really clear a house takes a while like 45 minutes to check every closet under every bed and not expose yourself there's a process

and it's long I don't know when the SWAT team did my house it didn't take that long they were probably not... Well, after they just found out, it's not for real. That was the first time, though. They weren't for sure that it wasn't... Yeah, I was the first person in my area to get

SWATed. Well, if it ever happens again, now you know. Just put a leg in the air and smile. Yeah. No, that was really funny. That guy's got a good sense of humor. I didn't see that coming and it was so legit too because like i'm already armed up you know i got i got a helmet on and everything like we're we're kind of playing at war out there anyway you know we're shooting pigs with machine guns that's the idea so like kind of in military mode

when you start when this might tell you to clear a house and there might be bad guys in it. And then there he is. It was a real shock. It's funny. Was that caught on film? No, that was not caught on. No. I had an interesting... How much more do you think... Because I told the full story

about my Texas trip on PKN, and I definitely don't want to retell the whole thing. But is there any other parts that you think I should tell? Or do you think we should just leave it on PKN and have it be a PKN thing? No, I want to tell some more. I'm trying to think of some of the cooler stuff.

All right. Go on. So I went out to Texas to film a thing. I still can't talk about the main project we were filming on because that's not done yet, but I was on an 18,000- acre wild game ranch called the Ox Ranch. It's out in Texas. A couple hours from San Antonio. And the guy that owns the place took us out for a ride on the last night we were there.

And there was one point riding along in this Polaris six-person ATV just hauling ass down dirt roads, bumps everywhere and just hanging on for dear life with guns and everything. He's playing Little Wayne, this is my gun walk over the speakers on this thing and it's got big bright LED panels. As the music's playing, we're hitting these bumps, just hauling ass with the gun and everything

just hanging on for dear life. I look and there's a whole herd of zebra hauling ass, running away from us. Zebrasbras and zonkeys which are half zebras half donkeys and it was just such a weird bizarre like i was like i've never done this before like this is insane um let's see i could show the camel uh video i thought that was pretty funny. Oh, Shucks. It's almost like four hours for me. Big screen on Kyle.

So what is this? What's the story behind the camel? There's lots of crazy animals on the ranch. There's kangaroo. There's a dozen different kinds of deer that I don't know what they are. There's pronghorn things. There's wildebeest. These red stags.

These watusis, which are these enormously horned bulls. And there was a camel. So, let me... I'm sharing the Ox Ranch photo gallery now. I think I see the enormous horn things you're talking about.

There's zebras. All right, let's go back to the other. Kyle has a bigger screen. Careful, swiping across. Vertical video, man. Shh. Camel in here. careful swiping across vertical video man Oh yeah, that's yeah. Would have bit my ear off right now. AHHHHH! Look at this thing. It loves me.

You're delicious. So this is a softy animal lover, but based on my dog and his dog, it's not always returned. No. No. That camel's name was sushi it was the most friendly of the animals they had there for it by far and it was uh really cool it hang out and like lick your ear and they've got like these articulating upper lip that's like this and he's just like all over you like licking you in a lot of camels can be assholes though i've

seen a lot yeah i've heard. I was kind of wary. They had everything there. I saw thousands of deer. There were thousands of deer. I found a fossil too. I found this. This is a snail fossil. I don't know how old this thing is. Several million years. Get it carbon-dested.

That is really audacious. Several million years. It is. You know that because snails are no longer around. It's a fossil. How long did it take for this motherfucker to be a fossil? I know. I know I'm being a dick. I thought that was pretty cool.

How'd you find that? I was just walking along looking for fossils, to be honest. That's what we were doing. The geology out there is really cool. There's lots of chert uh lots of flint um sandstone a lot of sedimentary stuff and uh they've done a bit of construction work so a lot of that's like dug up and you can see where rocks are broken and there's a lot of uh smooth like smooth uh round stones and we'll crack them open and you'll you'll see uh little crustaceans and worms like fossils like that so we just kept looking for we're honestly looking for this like this is exactly

the kind of thing i was looking for this or a trilobite or a scorpion you know something like that uh there were allosaurus footprints we found those uh fossilized where a pair of allosaurus were walking up a creek bed and it looks like they separate like this and the theory is that they were trying to encircling some prey maybe some teamwork the one where you put your hand in it yeah it's pretty awesome i thought that was something fake that you made like as part of a video shoot no that was a real allosaurus footprint yeah that's a real allosaurus footprint yeah so it's like in rock now. It's in rock, yeah. That's pretty awesome. It is really awesome.

I could talk about the cavern thing. That'd be interesting. He came to us and he'd been telling us how he liked to explore these caverns on the property. And he was asking if we wanted to go. And I was like, oh yeah, absolutely. So on the last night we were there, one of the last nights, we all ate dinner we had

a private chef which was just amazingly wonderful this guy named eric eric you're a badass that food was so fucking good it was the best food i ever had every meal um so so he uh the owner came and had dinner with us and then we all went out got in these six-man atvs and went driving way out into the property and we were we went to this cavern. We walk up this hill. They call them hills, but it seemed like a mountain to me because it was like a 15-minute walk up loose, slidey rock, like the land of Mordor or something. And we get up to the top, and we walk along this thing, and there it is.

There's a hole in the ground about the size of a manhole cover. Like, you could reach your arms around this thing. And leading down into this pitch black hole in the ground, this is midnight, by the way. It doesn't pitch black hole in the ground it's it's this is a this is midnight by the way it doesn't matter what time you go because it's so dark down there leading down into this hole is an emergency ladder it's aluminum rungs connected together by like yellow um like strap material i'll show you um exactly what i'm talking about and so the owner goes down first and I go down right

behind him. This picture was taken at the bottom of the hole looking up so you can kind of get an idea of... How deep? What kind of ladder and all. So it's just strap connecting those aluminum rungs, and you just go up, you go down 30 feet first. When you get to the bottom, you get on your hands and knees and start crawling. Go a few feet, and then the cavern opens up, and

it's just a fucking wonderland of ridiculousness stuff. It's kind of hard to tell, but that's kind of what, that's what the floor looked like in one part. Um, like, Yes, stalactites and stuff. It's kind of hard to tell, but that's what the floor looked like in one part. Yeah, stalactites and stalagmites. Didn't he give you a stalactite to take home with you? Yeah, he did.

He gave me a stalactite. Here's a stalactite. It's taken tens of thousands of years to form. Here. It was already broken. Okay. Although, to be honest like i i stuck my head up too too uh far at one point when i was shouldn't have and i broke one off it was about like this it just like stabbed me in the top of the head so if i get cavern disease you know that's how it happened but looking around down there we all had powerful

flashlights but when you turn them off it was so dark that like you couldn't see your fingers in front of your face we saw these black scorp scorpions crawling on the wall, these white crickets crawling around in the dirty, grimy floor of this thing. And back in the corner, you could see where the moisture, the water that was dripping down into this cavern, the moisture that created it, is escaping down through this soil-like area. So I think when I go back, what we were discussing is get going in there and digging that out with some small shovels and going down into it and seeing if it opens up to a

bigger cavern so i'm pretty excited about doing that next time i have like some ropes and stuff to tie yourself off to things or are you just in there free roaming drop off it'll be more like a tunnel he a lot of the the other caverns he talks about you know you'll be crawling along and then it'll just go up and then you'll crawl along some more like uh i went into another i went to two caverns total and the other one i went in there was a lot of that where the walls were just kind of like moving together and just like you'd go i would put my my back against one wall and my hands and my knees against the other one. Shimmy up. I was sort of like shimmy up and I got like bruises like all over my knees.

All over your porcelain legs. Well, they don't see the light too much. They stay covered up. But anyway, I like shimmied up like, I don't know, 10 or 12 feet until I was looking down into a hole. When I shined my flashlight, I could see my buddies. And I went maybe, I don't know, 50 feet farther than anybody else had ever gone. But I couldn't go any farther because you needed climbing gear.

But it was just a ridiculous experience. It sounds scary to me. I think about what hypothetically I do there. I feel like a man with my responsibilities shouldn't be doing that. You're like, oh, I shimmied up a giant muddy wall and looked down a hole at people. If there was a collapse there, no easy help. If the cavern collapsed, then I would just die instantly. But if I fell, it was one of those things where I was just going to get pinched between two walls and they'd just have to get me out.

Oh, they'd just have to get you out. What if you slide through there and they can't... Have you ever seen The Descent? Yes, and I bought it up to them. As we were going out, I was telling them, I was like, you haven't seen The Descent? I watched it like two weeks before I did this shit, I swear. That's the one with the all-female cast, right? Very good movie.

That movie sucked. It was awful. Look, the whole movie was set up that there was going to be some sort of wet t-shirt scene, and it never happened. It was an okay movie. Just to play the middle man. A very, very scary movie. I like it a lot. I like the fact that it's all women.

Like four or five sexy women go into a very wet cave and die one by one, and nothing sexy happens. and die one by one and nothing sexy happens that's like if you watch a superhero movie and they all fall into a pit and immediately spider-man batman superman you know thor all of them are like oh my god this cavern is enchanted to take away all of our cool powers for the whole movie like that's that's it yeah this is all well shit not really it wasn't a bad movie at all no it wasn't a bad movie but i definitely felt like it was totally missing the wet t-shirt factor that it was supposed to have terrible that god intended for it to have no that was a great movie that would have taken away from the scary though very scary it was a scary

fucking movie oh right because so many movies that were supposed to be scary you know the boobs ruined it it does it takes you out of the moment the boobs have never ruined anything thank you thank you yes yeah boobs and death go hand in hand damn near close to ruining the nfl what are we talking about breast cancer awareness when they make them all wear like pink stuff and it's like why is this a disingenuous marketing yeah it really should be prostate cancer they it should just be cancer you should all wear brown straps or no yeah no just no just nothing just everybody knows about it hey everybody knows about it if there's some crazy new uh you know aids cancer hybrid raise awareness for that because i'm not aware of it if it's out there

but if it there's nothing that i'm not aware of you know yeah they need to raise awareness for whatever the fuck got kyle on survival trip like you turtles revenge yeah turtles bane yeah turtle bane that's what it was it was awful it really was terrible your tongue was like swollen for a week or something right no the roof my mouth broke out with the in these like painful like sores wow right like you went to the doctor several times yeah whenever i would eat like the roof of my mouth would be incredibly like i couldn't eat like i remember like i was so hungry obviously from the survival thing that I wanted food but I drove all the way from North Carolina to Anderson South Carolina which is like 30 40

minutes from home and I stopped and got like a burger and fries and I ate like two fries and the pain was so bad in the roof of my mouth I was taking napkins and like dipping them in my soda and like scrubbing the roof of my mouth thinking that I had gotten some sort of like food allergy or something. Well, thank God you dipped it in your soda first. I needed liquid. I needed liquid. I had to get that out of here. I was trying to make it stop.

It hurt so fucking bad. So I didn't eat it that night. They didn't tell you what that was? Any of you amateur physicians out there can diagnose what Kyle had? Let us know. It was real bad. Yeah. And it lasted like a week, and the roof of your mouth had sores on it,

and you were vomiting. Yeah. And I don't know what else. That's about it for that one. I'm always getting sick. Didn't you have some sort of hives at the time? That could have been an unrelated thing. That was later.

Yeah, that was unrelated. That's when I lost all the skin on my hands, and I was on prednisone for months. Yeah, that was later yeah that was unrelated that's when like all i lost all the skin on my hands and i was on prednisone for for months yeah that was a fun time how about that that food picture you tweeted us because of everything you sent that was the thing i was most jealous of that you got you just tweeted in our group text like private chef and you like delicious delicious delectable looking meal. So I've been to Morton's Steakhouse outside Chicago, and it is amazing.

It is one of the finest meals I've ever eaten in my life. Kyle went to Morton's Steakhouse, I guess in Texas. Yeah, like the first night we ate at Morton's, and it was like $450 for dinner. And then the ensuing like three or four nights, we had this private chef and each of his meals blew the morton's meal away morton's steakhouse was the worst meal of the trip it really was it really was and i got like i got like a half a dozen oysters i got like this cajun

rubbed like um um new york strip steak like i got the the the twice baked cheese potatoes nah that was crap when You were making me hungry. When I got to the ranch and I had roasted duck with apricot sauce and Chilean sea bass and raspberry chocolate mousse and chocolate cake made from scratch. It was a prime rib and mushroom. The guy in charge, the multimillionaire

who owns all this, is he fat? No. the multimillionaire who owns all this. Is he fat? No. I would say he's maybe six feet tall, 180, 595 pounds, something like that. But I have a cat in his position.

He just buys all these exotic animals from all over the world? It's portion control too because the chef, he didn't give you a huge plate. It was portion control for sure and they were he would he would you know the we would show up the plates the the foods on the table and he would come out and i say come out like the kitchen was right there we watched him cook it but he would be like you know this is a chilean sea bass it's been simmered over blah blah blah this and then he would tell me the meals from Jurassic Park. Yes. Yeah.

It was so good. And I hung out with that guy a lot. He was really cool. The chef, Eric. And this guy named John that works there. He does like bushcraft and survival type classes. And there was another guy there who had formerly been in the military. And he was helping out with a lot of stuff. And I go on a lot of trips, and oftentimes there will be, like,

a douchebag in the group or someone with no sense of humor or, like, the weird guy that you just got to, like, not even deal with because he's just an asshole. That's me. Every trip. That's me. But everybody out there in Texas on this trip was a genuinely nice person, and I had a great time.

It was a wonderful trip. Do you remember we went that trip the um the skiing trip in Killington yes and there was that one old guy who wanted to play chess with everyone and like didn't like come night time there were these two beautiful girls who looked down to party I knew it was time for me to excuse myself i would be the the the flat tire of the group you know just bringing everything into sanity to join in on our fun what's that we're going to be able to responsibly join in on our fun even if if i hypothetically like the single woody yo made it whatever i'm too too old, right? These girls were in their early to mid-twenties. They were beautiful, and they were

hot to trot. I'd just be creepy, right? Let alone the fact that I'm not down for it. Dude, you totally could have gotten that blonde. All you needed was a cup of Oxycontin. Oh, she was like, the next morning no that night no the next morning i saw her and uh i think she was she hadn't gone to bed yet but i had woke up the next morning

and um and like she was just yes you're right i think well she was modeling her ski boots and bikini out in the snow like we were outside doing that, taking those pictures. And then we went up to a bedroom, and she crushed up some Oxycontin, and she snorted them right off the fucking nightstand. And she looked up at me as I'm sitting in the bed by her, and these crumbs are falling out. She tries to pass me this rolled-up bill, and she's like, You want some? And I was just like, out. She goes, she like tries to like pass me this like rolled up bill. And she's like, you want some?

And I was just like, nah, I'm good. I'm high on life. This is a good time. I wish I could tell some of the shit that happened on that trip. But I was. You mentioned the old guy. Yeah. I'm going to say he was 70.

I would have called him mid 6060s but yeah you know definitely not getting close to 70 yeah okay yeah and and he was a friend of the owner of the lodge and we had rented the entire lodge out and so we were the only ones there uh and this guy's job literally it seemed because he was friends with the owner was to like watch us and make sure that we didn't burn the place down in the night because there's no staff to like babysit us i didn't pick up on it like that but go on that's exactly what it was um and so like we're downstairs in like this game room and i believe if i remember correctly there was a lap dance scenario and he was playing woody was not there but but the old guy was playing pool

with the blonde while the brunette gave someone else a lap dance and i had coaxed the blonde to me to give my to give me a lap dance and then he's like he's like hey you insane a game he probably is insane he got all of that energy out of him in 1941 in the middle of the war in fucking japan so he's just trying to play a game he just wants to play some backgammon and go to bed early and you were keeping him up we're playing pool with him over there and i'm just like what are you the first night which was the one kyle's talking about was the tame one by comparison like i get up the next morning and she's like i can't wait for tonight tonight's my good bikini the other one makes my ass look flat and i'm like wait what there were bikinis out last night because it's like three degrees outside maybe below freezing

it was blizzards coming down and i didn't didn't see the bikini thing i had no idea there's any hot tub i'm not sure what is the point of dressing them up in bikini or let them do what they want i guess yeah the bikinis were totally for party time. That's it. They were there to show off just how beautiful these girls were. Just ah-ha-ha, ah-ha-ha. Just like. A little drunk. Bikinis, Ugg boots, and probably some sort of hat. And where was this again?

Vermont. Vermont. Yeah. Like a ski trip? Not a place you associate with fun, generally. I liked it. I had a good time. Yeah, that was a good time for sure

what he rented that toyota echo or whatever it's like driving up this frozen mountain with it the tires are going 60 miles an hour the car is going 20 miles an hour yes they were so the tires were i know you've told it like that the tires were going slow there was some sort of automatic braking thing that made the tires barely move, but the motor was revving fast. So the motor was going like 5,000 miles an hour, or 5,000 RPM, but the tires are like braking constantly, and it's just not going anywhere. It was below walking speed up a hill.

It was awful. It was hilarious. When Woody went to park behind the lodge or whatever, I ran next to him, and I was keeping pace with his car. And I feel like he was at maximum speed. Yeah, that's all he could do. I was racing. I wasn't in it to lose, but walking speed was just too much for this car.

Yeah, it was really funny. I didn't think you were going to make it back to the airport alive. And then it turned out, the worst part is, everyone left and flew out on the last day. And Kitty and I were left behind. Me, Kitty, and her little cousin, JJ, who's's a diminutive guy he's like five foot nothing little dude and uh we're left there and it's like by the end we were looking for somebody to drive us to the airports everything had fallen through like uh drivers didn't show everything nothing worked out so we're having to pay this guy that works at the place to drive us to the airport. And it got expensive.

It was a few hundred dollars, but it was like whatever. He decides to bring his girlfriend with him for the drive. So they're sitting in the front seat, and the three of us are crammed in the back of his Land Rover. They're both smokers, and they smoke with the windows down. They chain smoke on the four and a half hour drive. We were so fucking cold the the windshield factor it was like negative 24 degrees out like you when we got outside the car and i inhaled through my nose i could feel my nose hair crystallizing the coldest i've ever been ever ever and then we had

to like we couldn't even take the main highway because it was like uh it was like a legit detour with cops like waving flares like can't go this way and like send us the long way around when i got out i was just like pay that motherfucker i just walked away from i didn't say it was worse though i took that echo to the airport and then you return the keys by drop like there's no one working at the airport so you put your keys in this little mailbox that drops down. And then the flight was canceled. So then I had to take a bus, which was like nine hours from Vermont to Boston. And then I took a flight home.

And the other direction was just as bad. The flight was canceled to Vermont, so I had to drive from Boston there. Yeah, our flight in was bad too. That was the one where the plane... But you were on a flight. It beats a Toyota whatever. We got downed. We almost basically got shot down when we were trying to land.

But that plane was shaking like this. I was the co-pilot, and we finally had to turn back and land at Burlington, Vermont and get a cab ride. I was the next flight, and they cancelled it so I guess yours was bad enough that they decided not to do mine

I had a pretty bad ski trip adventure trying to drive to Aspen once and my friend was driving and there was well here's how I was woken up it was oh deer boom hit a deer

and I'm like where the fuck are we and we're trying to keep driving but it busted the radiator so the car would overheat in like two minutes so we'd have to drive it would like start overheating we'd wait and let it cool down drive a little bit more and made it to some like damn power facility where they're you know it's just out in the middle of nowhere but there was a car there and it was the only thing around so we knock on the door and there's like what are you guys doing out here like oh we're driving to Aspen

oh the road's closed up there you can't even get there from this way I guess it's like the pass or something that's up there I don't think it's Donner Pass but there's some pass that's on the way to Aspen that's closed like nine months out of the year and I guess my friend was driving down a road that was closed around the middle of nowhere and had to call someone to come tow my car from like an hour and a half away and then take a

greyhound bus 9 12 hours home something like that it sucked machinima flew me into aspen and machinima would always schedule like the cheapest flights and at the time I didn't know to reject them like the me of today would have been like no no no 18 hours of flying to get how dare they it's a lot it's a lot 18 hours it was so many stopovers and yeah how many connections is that I think it was three connections and you know they just dude schedule me a better flight you know to work it out that's too much yeah that's awful i flown to japan faster than i flew to colorado well was the last leg like just some little plane that

for like a little airport to aspen it was the thing is it should have gone from like aspen to denver to north carolina but that's not how it went it was. The thing is, it should have gone from Aspen to Denver to North Carolina, but that's not how it went. I don't even remember all the stops, but it was awful. Machinima's like, didn't they just let go of like 12 more people or something? Most of their content producers are gone.

Yeah, I think so. I just actually re-signed with them for my channel. Oh, did you? Were you with them before? I was with them originally. That was the first people i partnered with and then i went to full screen but dealing with and full screen was a great company have nothing against them but they don't have managed channels so the content id system just plagues me. I just hate, you upload something and there's, like I had a Madden video claim

just because someone else had claimed a Madden video and now it automatically flagged mine as being their content and it demonetized it. And you have to go through the whole thing, contacting them. They contact their network, oh, I don't know why this happened. And that happened like 50 times. Because it just automatically

will claim something if it's in their database of things that are other people's contacts. It's a neat idea. For example, I'm a managed channel and if someone else were to upload PKA then it would say, oh dude, this is Woody's stuff. They get flagged and I get monetized or whatever.

That's how it's supposed to work. But when you've got stuff like cut scenes, I upload it first, hypothetically. Now that cut scene belongs to me and all these other people get false flagged because YouTube doesn't know what's mine and what's just something I uploaded. And people shouldn't be. And I don't think they're intentionally doing it there might be some people maliciously trying to claim all these videos but i think most it's just ignorance of i shouldn't be claiming this video because i don't own this gameplay you

know right yeah yeah it's typically cut scenes and stuff and the people aren't meaning to do it they don't even know what's happening you You know, it's just all automated. YouTube and Google in particular, you know, they work so hard to not hire customer service people, but sometimes you need humans to make decisions. Not everything

can be an algorithm. Yeah, it was interesting to me to see they were the bomb. They were the beginning and the end of the scene yeah i don't i don't know what they did but they downsized a lot it seems like yeah yeah and i wonder how much like some of their big names like take sark for example right sark to me after hutch left was the face of Machinima, right? He was the last big guy standing who had a public image associated with Machinima.

When he left, were they like, oh, man, you know, it sucks we lost Sark? Or were they like, oh, you know, we can't keep Sark anymore. You know, he's got to go. I wonder how these downsizings went down. Yeah, I don't know the behind the scenes. Me too. But I love Sark. He's funny.

Yeah, Sark is awesome. We've got to get him on the show at some point. He said he wanted to come on. But then it seems like when we do try to make it happen, it's not the right night or something. We've got to set it up and make it happen. I didn't even know that Sark wasn't on Machinima anymore. I must have missed the

boat on that. He might be partnered through them, but he's definitely not employed by them anymore. He went the independent contractor route. Most of them did. Sea Nanners did too. Hutch did, of course. Yeah. Mostly they followed the money right like you know

when being employed by machinima was the most money they went for that and then when being you know then they saw that people were making even more money they went for that that's i don't think that was all their intentions though i think hutch was kind of uncomfortable being in like a big production spotlight, kind of like that, because he'd done an AMA. Yeah, Hutch in particular I think you're right about. He didn't feel comfortable. He quits YouTube every so often just because the stress doesn't sit well with him. Right, just gets away and goes off and clears his mind and comes back.

Yeah, it's a nice job if you can get it. comes back. Yeah. It's a nice job if you can get it. I was watching Ariane Celeste. I'm sure I messed her name up,

but she's a UFC ring girl and her and Ronda Rousey feud all the time. Ronda Rousey's always saying, you know, it's ridiculous that some fighters

make less than ring girls and stuff. And Ariane was like, this job is a lot harder than you think it is. You know, I'm ready to go home. I'm tired tired i have like 50 more outfits to wear etc and um on one like it really it opened my eyes because like people on youtube like with this job will be like dude it's a lot harder than you think you know your day and night and the criticism and

this and it gets to you and it's depressing. And, um, I, I watched a guy's video said he was depressed, but he was really successful. He was a friend of PewDiePie's and his content seemed good on his own. And I forget his name. And, uh, it was like,

I see where he's coming from. And that's ridiculous though, to compare what Ronda Rousey is a professional fighter does training day in and day out to be the best of the best to having to exist in different outfits. Like, I know you have to keep yourself in good shape. That's definitely right. That's not easy. But at the end of the day, you're walking around and you're existing in different outfits.

And there's a lot of criticism. Right. So her job is to be beautiful. And you find jobs. in different outfits. And there's a lot of criticism, right? So her job is to be beautiful. And the slightest little pimple on her shoulder blade or something is going to be like, look at that! I found an imperfection in this girl who's supposed to be perfect.

And she's aging, right? I don't know how old she is, but she's probably 30-ish now. She's been doing this for a while. You can't stay 19, you know? So that's going to be criticized. They'll be showing pictures of before and after and et cetera. It's not a perfect job.

Having said that, I doubt there's many coal miners who are like, whoa, 50 outfits? That is tough. How about you try one outfit for 50 years? And black ones. Yeah, right? I have no doubt that it's definitely harder than people think but you cannot compare she's not gonna come around with a ring girl lung

yeah um but yeah and i don't know it all comes down to where the value is right like you know a fighter who hasn't really distinguished him or herself not ronda rousey but like you know the lesser fighters the ones that do make less than the ring girls um they're interchangeable they're not stars yet they don't have the appeal and someone might say well that ring girl she's worthless you know what good is she bringing no she does bring something you know like by that argument you'd say bruce bruffer doesn't bring much right what does he does he do, announce the fighters? What does he do? No, he's part of the show and the pageantry. He gets paid well.

I bet he does, yeah. But is that Ring Girl, is that like her career? Is she just the Ring Girl and that's her only job? She can make a living doing that? I doubt she goes to Applebee's afterward and waits tables. I'm pretty sure that's what she's doing. The Ring Girl is the platform that made her famous, right? So she also shows up in Maxim Magazine and begets modeling gigs and stuff like that but it's all based on the the ring girl platform that made her somebody um but yeah you know bruce buffer he's just part of the pageantry you know there's tons of lighting and tech guys

and grips that are handling the electricity and on the show that probably make more than the $8,000 bottom tier fighters. But it's about the value you bring to the show. And it's not about how hard it is. Like you were saying, you can't even compare how tough it is to train and get punched in the face and all that stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But when you talk about value to the show,

there's some audio guy who's probably worth more than uh someone having their first fight in the ufc yeah i'm not talking about the financial regard of it i'm just saying that just straight up difficulty level when you're comparing that it's not even the beginning of a contest yeah not at all difficulty level sure but that's not what determines pay. If you go by difficulty level, I think coal miner might be worse than Ronda Rousey's job. Coal miner is probably worse than 99.5% of jobs. What's worse than a coal miner? I mean, they're not down there with pickaxes anymore.

There's no canaries sitting on the shelf. I know. I'm talking about those coal miners. The old school, you know, an 11-year-old standing there looking vacant-eyed with sunken-in eyes and, you know, sallow cheeks. So it's what they call a vein, right? So picture the mountain having like four or six feet tall worth of coal. And then they have to mine that. And they take these machines that like scrape it out. But now you have a, not a a tunnel but like a room that's

four or six feet tall so you can't stand up all day long and by the way when they they do the roof the roof wants to collapse so there's a guy whose job it is is to hit the roof until it stops falling and then they like drill holes into the roof or like you know spikes into the roof to make it not fall and make it sturdy and And that's an awful job. You hit roofs, making them collapse on you, hopefully not, until you realize they're kind of collapse-proof, and then you make them even more collapse-proof.

It's the job that most coal miners die from. That crab fisherman, those guys, that job sucks. Yes, yeah. I would get so seasick. Imitation crab is awful. You need those guys. Dude, people in Alaska make money.

There's a UFC fighter. I forget his name. He's kind of freaky. And he goes to Alaska and does, like, crab fishing and fishing and like an oil wrangler. I think that's a job title, but basically he's a, you know, he gets oil out of the ground and he makes real money.

Like this guy make like a hundred grand, 150 grand, you know, and then come in the UFC and fight for a while. And he makes nothing there. And you just kind of forget that like, dude, there's substantial opportunities available to semi-skilled people. if you're working as hard as people in Alaska do.

Yeah, and that's a lot of risk, too. People die crab fishing. I thought they made like $100,000 in like a month or something, but they only do it like once a year. I might not be quoting accurate facts, but something crazy like that. Well, it depends on how much crab they get. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's a a lot i think it's three months but dude i would i would be awful at that job i'd be terrible i would get a lot of people are oh yeah you yeah that's right yeah that you'll be vomiting the whole time yeah i'd be so worthless on it kyle would swallow some water be out at sea water i'd be just fine this is a three month journey kyle batting down the hatches we're not going back

to shore for you three hours later yeah i couldn't physically do that job it looks so hard it looks so beat when they when they're done at the end of the day and the hours they work i mean they're like drunk with fatigue while doing that job. Have you ever taken Ambien? Yeah. I can only imagine. So I had taken Ambien and then I woke up

like in the middle of the night and like walking upstairs to go pee. I felt, it was like I was drunk. I was stumbling around and stuff. And I think that's how they tell it. It's mildly hallucinogenic as well. Really? This is the stuff that stops you from getting seasick, right?

Ambien. No, Ambien. Sleep aid. I'm mixing it up. I'm thinking there's one with a D, right? Take some Ambien next time you get on a ship. I don't think you're being a good friend, Taylor. Dramamine. Dramamine is what I'm thinking of. I think. I don't think you're being a good friend, Taylor. Dramamine is, I don't think, enough. Yeah.

I think. I don't know. But, dude. Yeah, people abuse it, Ambien. They'll take it and then fight it to stay up. That doesn't sound fun at all. I was so fucked up. I went back in bed as soon as I could be. Yeah, what an awful way to try and get high.

Yeah. You have to stay to try and get high. You have to stay awake through a sleeping pill. Dude, back to vaping. What does vaping make you feel like? Why is everybody vaping now? Well, mine's just to cure my nicodemon. All right, all right. So nicotine is a drug that makes you feel like something, right?

No. Well, when you first do it, it does. You might get lightheaded, and it's nothing intoxicating. Depending on how you puff on nicotine, it can relax you or it can stimulate you. Is it like... No. Once you're addicted to it, then it's... I don't know what else to compare it to.

Hunger. It's like, you know, what does eating food make you feel? It me feel not hungry it's twofold it's twofold you get the nicotine craving so the reason that you're like oh i need a cigarette when you when you feel like that it's because a you've got to cure your nicotine craving because so now your habit is causing uh a negative if you don't indulge it you're like i eat a cigarette it's making me feel bad to feel normal yeah it's feel normal but also it's like you know you maybe get some bad news maybe you're stressed out maybe you're like fuck fuck fuck all right and you're done you that's the moment when you meet one too when you're stressed out and you need that it's a you know it calms you down it

slows your heart rate but then if you're like trying to stay up at night on like a long car ride you're puffing one after another and you're puffing them fast and it's speeding your heart rate but then if you're like trying to stay up at night on like a long car ride you're puffing one after another and you're puffing them fast and it's speeding your heart rate up it's uh it's kind of a perfect drug i have not smoked in a while now i've uh it's been a long time but you vape uh-uh i quit vaping too you quit everything yeah it's been a while it's been months what's your motivation um paintball no i'm just kidding um just being healthier in general you know lung capacity yeah that's the that's the kyle i forget who we were looking at there was somebody and kyle said you probably remember the conversation it's ethan

hawk ethan hawk's forehead is is so wrinkled up and they're these deep unattractive wrinkles and we remember it the opposite. You're probably right because my memory sucks, but I remember someone aging particularly well, and Kyle was like, how can I age that well? That's how I remember it, but maybe it was backwards. And I was like, smoking. The smoking will age you.

It absolutely does. It leathers your skin and et cetera. And Kyle was like, that might get me to stop. Appeal to my vanity. I got myself some Dove men's facial lotion. I've been moisturizing every day now. It's all silky smooth. I've noticed I already look better up there.

You are looking good, Kyle. I'd hit it. Oh, yeah. I'm really excited about this paintball thing. I know i keep i said i literally i've repeated myself a dozen times but i i like it for a lot of reasons i really like like meeting fans when when you're doing something together like when i meet you at the movies or something and you just like i start like spazzing out that was kind of weird you know who i'm talking to but but like if we're there to like play paintball together it's like yeah man come

on me and you're gonna go play paintball let's go shoot some kids together but also i really get competitive about things but i'm not good enough at baseball or softball to go and be competitive at it but i'm good enough at paintball to go be competitive at it and i'm i'm able to arm myself better than most i would say so better that's't pretend there are going to be people out there competing with you on an armament level. There is no way. I literally have... This gun is about $1,500

too. This is my speedball gun. But this thing over here blows this out of the water. It's got the guts of a gun like this. On the inside, it's a speedball marker. It'll shoot 28 times a second, but it'll shoot those first strike rounds accurately as well.

I could have a mag, for example, full of 50 first strike rounds that are super accurate up to 50, 60 yards, and then I can have a big hopper full of 200 paintballs, so I can go full auto spraying and praying and suppressing. I'm just thinking out loud. I imagine that that expensive gun you have, right, full of you know 200 paintballs so i can go full auto spraying and praying and suppressing just thinking out loud i imagine that that expensive gun you have right the one with the scope and the first strike and all that is probably ideal for scenario and mixed scenario stuff but if you're on a speedball course it's hard to beat a speedball gun because you can run and

sprint and slide and do things like that i feel like this is just as good because it's on the inside it is a speedball gun. It has the same rate of fire. But it doesn't have the same mobility, right? About five pounds. Oh, really? Yeah, it's like an AR-15. I mean, I can run pretty fast with an AR.

It's definitely going to slow me down a little, but that's why I'm training, Woody. That's why I'm running every day. I'm running with the gun. I hope you are. I'm running around outside are you really you maniac stay inside i don't want anybody to see me yeah i uh i'm looking forward to seeing how it plays out but i'm taking multiple guns i'm gonna take my autococker i'll take my planet eclipse i'll take this thing. I'm really going to enjoy myself. I think I'm going to go play one of these weekends. I've got to film some stuff in a couple days,

and then I'm going to go find a paintball field to go test this stuff out at. Sweet. Yeah, it's going to be fun. So when we talk about vaping, it reminded me when you brought up before the show that they had legalized marijuana in Washington, D.C. Dude, in a weird way. So get this. Marijuana's legalized in D.C., right?

But it's illegal to sell it. It's illegal to buy it. It's, I guess it's just legal to use it. It's, you can give it away for free. So they're not going to have dispensary things there? There's no medical marijuana there? You can't sell it. You can give it away for free and you can use it.

You know what the law is? Like sex. Can you grow it? You can't grow sex in it. Probably not. Damn it! Just like sex. You can give it away for free and you can do it, but you can't buy it or

sell it makes sense for their own home use they're saying you can grow it i i hadn't really thought about that i don't know what the rules are for growing it i guess you can since you can own it i don't know there might be limits on how much you can grow. I'm not sure where they are for that. He flies it in Alaska too, that's all. Some crazy Republicans are trying to say that the... Who runs D.C.? A mayor. The mayor of D.C. is going to be arrested for legalizing pot. What? So what was this, like an executive order of the mayor?

I don't know, I don't know. How is this law ratified? Dude, I swear I really do try to be down the middle. But it just seems like all the things I disagree with tend to come from the Republicans, right? They were the ones against net neutrality. They were the ones against legalization of marijuana. It just seems like all the things they really stand for are wrong. You know, they take office and the first priority is like well we gotta lower state taxes on rich people we got to get the keystone pipeline

passed we got to do this i'm like god damn republicans fuck i'd let me like you come on you know like your number one priority is a payoff to the people that donated to your campaign really first first order of business yeah and i'm I consider myself to be a libertarian, which is like Ron Paul is a Republican, but libertarian is... You were a libertarian too. Yeah, I guess it's considered right-wing, but it's not Republican, that's for sure.

Like it's freedom of the people to do what you want as long as you want anyone else. Yeah, you do whatever the fuck you want, but you better not tell me what I could do! That's what it is in a nutshell. It's just, leave me the fuck alone, let me do my thing, I'll leave you alone, you do yours. It is, and I'm not...

God, that sounded so great to me the first time I heard it. It was like, oh, this is fantastic. But then you dive into it, and you're like, well, what about if some power plant dumps so much pollution into my yard that I get sick and cancer. Well, you get your posse together. Well, that is right on over there. So what they literally say is, well, that gets solved through the court system.

There's no laws around it, but you can sue them for damages and that handles that. So it's literally like me against, in my case, Duke Energy or PSENG going to court. It's like suing a tobacco company or something. It's such a mismatch in terms of finances. It's like, man, I feel like you need some sort of governmental protection to stop you from getting raped by – if you just say no rules, which is similar to the libertarian platform. That's total anarchy. It's literally what Ron Paul's going for.

There's still public services that are needed. You can't just say, you know, no police department, no fire department, everyone just leave everyone alone. You know, there has to be some... I put out my own fire. Ron Paul, I forget, I'm going to get these numbers wrong. So, you know, PKA stats. Ron Paul? I forget. I'm going to get these numbers wrong.

So, you know, PKA stats. But he was like, of the whatever, 11 government services, we'll get rid of nine of them. And EPA was one of them. EPA's gone under him. And it's like... Yeah, I don't think that I would agree with that. It got pretty extreme when you really look into what he wanted to do. Now, you might vote for him under the notion that,

well, what he wants to do and what he can do are separate things. And so long as he has his other checks and balances, you get closer to what you want. All right. Yeah. Whatever. Politics. Hey, today was a good day.

Net neutrality. Yay, free internet. Yeah, that's great. Yeah. It's a really good thing but on one hand to play devil's advocate to that law of like Netflix say is taking

up I forget what the stats are 60% of the bandwidth of the internet or something crazy like that so I guess it's and they're paying the same as me or you. You know, that's the free internet type of model. Is that fair? Seems fair to me.

So what it is, is they pay their ISP a lot, right? They pay Cogent quite a bit. But then it stresses the ISPs of everyone else. All the downstream ones, right? Like Cogent and, say, Verizon. At that interconnect where they touch each other, that gets stressed. The fix for that stress is actually pretty inexpensive, but they like to charge a lot for it because it's valuable.

inexpensive but they like to charge a lot for it because it's it's valuable is it fair that like Verizon has to pay a lot to make sure that they're not stressed out well they have these agreements right like so they're they're both tier one and they agree to exchange data for free now Verizon can send as much data to Cogent as it wants and vice versa Verizon is just in my mind like extracting money from them because they have the end points and they feel like you know they can um yeah at any point they can stop they can start charging each other back and forth for the data they just choose not to because they feel like it's a win-win to go for free because like i said it's very cheap to connect them i don't know i do hear a point and you know at some point and all the infrastructure

really needs to be upgraded to be able to handle all that bandwidth but it's cheap right no one's saying there's not enough lines in the ground they're just saying that where you connect the two that's where there's a stress point. Well, I'm sure, like I've done data networks and stuff like that, and there's more than just, you know, like I have to change this one connector. Like every switch in the node that's going out to every neighborhood has, you know, this hub that supplies that neighborhood that's now overloaded because everyone's using so much internet watching Netflix or whatever. That's not where it's dressed though, right?

It's literally in the, what is it called in the data center? The cross connect box or something like that? There's the spot where all the different networks connect in the, there's like a cage full of routers that go, I think it's called cross connect. So that was the only bottleneck in the... That's the current bottleneck.

Who knows what it will be next time, you know? But yeah, it's right there where they literally just like drop in another in another SPF plus port or something and then 10 gigs they connect and they're set to go. It's cheap to fix. They just choose not to because they can get a lot of money by doing that. I don't know. Hey, I have a story here.

Florida, man. I love those. Hey, I have a story here. Florida man. I love those. So, there used to be YouTube videos on it, but now it's gone. And here's the deal. YouTube video purports to show a Florida man inhaling vapor he was vaping, produced from a generous friend's ejaculate.

What? What? What? produced from a generous friend's ejaculate what what what yeah the clips gone private but it gained traction on reddit this morning and is serviced in all its revolting glory now it's gotta be out there it's gotta be out there do you want to hunt for it not particularly but it's gotta be out there surprisingly this wasn't the outcome of a heinous bet, at least according to the dude's filming. They promised to pay their bro no doubt highly negotiated sum of $68 for the stunt.

We're fairly skeptical on the whole thing and here's why. The load from the previous night, as it's referred to in the clip, had a somewhat watery consistency compared to semen's usual viscosity. It's possible, however, that the spunk was mixed with vegetable glycerin, a common ingredient in e-liquids.

After filling his vaporizer with the mystery fluid, our hero steals himself and takes several deep breaths amid laughter and exhortations from the crew. Come on, massive cloud toot, one of them demands. Then, in due course, the guy puckers up and delivers here let me go to the massive cloud that is horrific earns him a roar of approval and a slyly flashed peace sign but he lunges for the bathroom and his

friends warn him not to puke. Probably because that would violate the terms of the 50 page contract they drew up for this crucial undertaking. 50 page contract. I think they're being sarcastic. Whether this is real or not, we'll all remember where we were when vape culture jumped the shark.

A shark that was swimming in a vat of human jizz. That's awful. That's disgusting. What temperature do you have to set it to to properly vaporize the seat? I feel like some experimentation is due. Now,

I don't vape, but you guys do. I do ejaculate. I don't vape my jizz anything less than 400 degrees. Oh, that's awesome. Oh, here are the images. These are the screen grabs from the video. There's the mystery fluid.

It does look a little... It just doesn't look like my semen, that's all. That's kind of a liquid thing. But, you know, like they said, it might be mitched with vegetable glycerin. Well, that was just a bad idea. Is he French inhaling it?

Or is that just a picture at the top? Wow. French inhaling? What is that? When you let the soap billow out of your mouth and then you inhale it through your nose at the same time. I don't know. I don't know.

That's a French inhale. Florida men, keeping PKA stories rolling. Wow. How much would you charge to vape semen? No. Don't say no. There's a number. There's a number out there. We don't know what it is.

But it exists. Whose does it have to be? Be real. For 10 grand you'd do it, right? No. Yeah. 10 grand? I don't need 10 grand that bad really 10 grand that's you can catch it with 10 grand he did it for 68 68 yeah my number might be smaller uh-huh like 10 grand that's telling you i like the money if i put a vape if i put a vape pin with some cum in it and 10 000 cash on on the table, you might be tempted. You'd hit that thing. Yeah, you would. You'd hit it.

I'd definitely smoke that thing. Absolutely. My issue is this. I have kids, right? Dude, hypothetical single Woody would vape that shit for $500. I'm not telling anybody about this. We'll keep this between you and I. But the thing is,

if this were to get out and Hope goes through high school with the dad that vapes semen, that's not good. Smoker. Exactly. I can't have that. Even if it was just among friends,

someone's going to know about it. How much is it worth for you to be the guy that smokes semen? If it was safe enough to put her through that smoked semen yeah now if you want to say enough to put her through college it's not just the act it's the the aftermath shame the shame yes are you allowed to like drop some like blueberry flavor enhancer oh yeah oh yeah these guys seem to use vegetable glycerin i mean blueberry bleach salt or whatever it would taste like sure and i'm sure i mean about it. You're vaporizing the liquid.

Exactly. It's not even cum anymore. It's just water. You're only getting the water, right? Absolutely not. You're getting cum. Vaporized cum. I mean, water is a key ingredient in cum.

Gotta be. Yeah, well, that's a strong argument, Kyle. I mean, if you vaporized orange juice, you just get water, right? No. So there should be really two prices. It's like, what would you be paid to do it, and then what would you be paid to do it, and then everyone knows about it.

That's a different story, I suppose. The public humiliation that comes along. That might be a different story. Everyone knowing about it, there's no amount of money. Because your life, it would be, you would always be that guy. You would never not be that guy. You could cure cancer and it would be like, maybe you got the inspiration from that cum vapor. For cake.

When I was a lifeguard a long, long time ago, and a friend of a friend at a frat party ate a plate full of poop oh my god yeah who's poop who's poop uh someone else at the parties involved in this person poop i i don't know if there was money involved there was a oh there was money involved it was a hundred dollars for a hundred dollars but he literally ate it with the fork. So it was like 7 or 8 scoops of poop. He was just like, I eat chicken. He used the side of the fork.

He kind of digged through and then he took it. The thing is, they called him shit eater. They introduced him to me as shit eater. This was months ago. He had done this before winter break. It's summertime. This is shit eater. Why do they call him shit eater this was months ago right he had done this like before winter break it's summertime and they're like this is shit eater why do they call him shit eater well you found out today there's still people calling him shit eater that could be that could be that's the challenge man

that's the thing like it it follows you some of these acts... For a hundred bucks, if he could go back and give back that hundred bucks and not be a shit eater his whole life. Exactly, dude. It's not a good look. Right? It's not a good look. That's not what you want to be known as. And as bad as it is for you, when you have, like, family honor to concern yourself with, then it only gets worse.

Right. Now he's, like, married with kids and he runs, hey, there's shit eater! That's a problem. I was an old man back in the day. He ate a whole plate of shit. Not even his. It was Larry's shit. Yeah, it was my shit.

It was his throat. I threw up. It was my shit. That's way worse than the cum vape. yeah oh yeah undoubtedly yeah yeah dollars wow having to chew it having to wonder what the diet was of the person my cousin and i used to like we'd find disgusting things on the farm and we'd like we we'd suppose the question you know you'd say hey well how much to take a bite of that and in the in the the retort would be well do i have to like chew it up and swish it around or can i get some mustard involved with the process

you know we'd come up with dollar amounts for like putrid things you know a rotten dead chicken or like a mud hole that clearly was mostly cow shit or you know something like that so that was a game we often played we never actually did it because that's just sick and ridiculous but it was just fun to play the game and figure out how much money thinking about it i got a question link inbound uh go back to the other thing which one would you rather go out with i gotta pull this a little one a little one really yeah right. The little one. Really? Yeah. I like the big one. Then you're wrong. I'm not.

I feel like the big one has like... It's sexier to me that she's tall like that. There's more leg there. She's like a full-sized and then some person. Oh, by the way, one is an Olympic swimmer and the other is an Olympic gymnast. No, little one. Fool! You're picking the swimmer. You're just being contrarian.

You're just being contrarian right now. There's no way that you would choose the tall. I mean, I've known my decision. I'm not making my decision off of height either. I'm just... The one on the right is more attractive in the face to me. The one on the right is prettier or she knows how to me. The one on the right is prettier, or she knows how to do makeup better, one of those.

It's a little bit of both. It's probably prettier. But, well, it might be I feel like the one on the right does makeup better than the one on the left. Look, Lurch just isn't doing it for me. I imagine her legs to be so long that

that's kind of hot. I imagine her arms and her torso to be so long that that's kind of hot. I imagine her arms and her torso to be bigger. I like tall chicks, but... Yeah, I feel like there's some sort of... Like Rebecca Romijn. I don't know her. The fact that she's a full-sized person. The fact that there's just more to her. She's more substantial the other one to me is a toy and uh and i'd i'd rather

have the the taller woman well you incorrect yeah false that was a that's a wrong answer right there that just yeah that's clearly the smaller one. Really? Because daintiness is a sign of femininity. That's just natural for people to make that connection. Put 2 or 3% more on my game, Eater. There's Rebecca Romaine. You don't want a girl who can dunk on you.

But just think of how big those scoopy hands are in the water. Just plowing through. Rebecca Romaine is gorgeous as well like she's like six foot tall and this enormous individual over here she's pretty this girl's pretty yeah and she's definitely pretty to be an enormous person like this but the little girl is it's much cuter just her hair's no her hair's really nice you know she's got it like a but she's so face like her smile Her legs are going to be short

Her body is going to She's in a gymnast Yeah She's a tiny little thing She's all bendy I considered that There's something hot about the whole bendy thing Are you about to tell us this girl is 11 years old

And you're tricking us No I'm not going to Look at those legs Are you about to tell us this girl is like 11 years old or something and you're tricking us? Oh, no, I'm not going to. Gosh, I hope she's not 11. Look at those legs. Yeah, that's a lot of legs. The thing is I don't trust pictures on the internet anymore. Yeah, I don't trust this picture at all. This isn't natural.

You're right. It's not even a real background. She's a model. It's like a green screen. She was, I think it's Mystique in X-Men. She was Mystique. Those shoes don't even look real. They could make me look as hot as that chick if they Photoshop it enough.

It would take a lot. I don't think it would take too much. Yeah, come on. I got a hot belly button. But yeah, no, I definitely like the tall one. I feel like she's i don't know there's just something more substantial about her size and the length of her torso that's hot to me i think you're in the minority there if we would have a vote i think it'd be like 99 to 1 i wonder

if there's like how i will agree i'm in the minority certainly i'm in the bottom quartile here but i there's someone else out there who's gonna get what I'm saying who's gonna get it who's gonna be like yeah that like that that shoulder to like crotch distance is hot there's like there's someone out there who's getting like well I'd eat shit for a hundred dollars I don't understand what they're making us about

there's someone who's like right you need like a full sized person to hug right and I'm not like the chubby chaser or anything, but her length is hot to me. If you blacked out her faces and got them naked standing side by side, I might agree with the body types.

I bet that gymnast has just a really tight rocking body. The swimmer does too, but I bet it's more lanky and and like sinewy sinewy yeah that's i had that in my head i wasn't gonna use it thank you yeah i like that yeah the swimmer has very small boobs it appears that or she's wearing a sports bra or something that's raining those babies in but i don't care yeah i just i just like her her long female shape that's hot fair enough i. They are both attractive. Objectively.

The one on the left is probably the most attractive chick on our swim team. No. I think swimmers are hot. Maybe a little bias there. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I've been around a lot of swimmers.

I've watched a lot of female swimmers. I've watched a lot of female gymnasts. I've watched a lot of female gymnasts. Gymnasts are athletes just as much. Or I don't know just as much. I've never done either. So I have no idea. Undoubtedly, all Olympic athletes are athletes. At least all the ones I'm thinking of. I'm sure they all play pretty hard.

Is darts a sport in the Olympics? I don't know. There's archery, though. Archery counts as a sport. It's an Olympic sport, I'm saying. But also, you could probably get some pretty unathletic people to excel. I forget the name of the Canadian sport where you

push the rock on the ice. Curling. Would you consider the smart on the ice? Curling. Curling, yeah. The bop guys, would you consider them bop guys? Athletes, really? I don't know about that. Those guys are like drunk in the middle of their event. And like horseshoes.

You know what would be a better one than any of those? Bring lawn darts into the Olympics. That is an adventure. They're not even legal anymore. Really? I don't think they're bring lawn darts into the Olympics that is an adventure they're not even legal anymore really I don't think they're sold long though my uncle had some of those you know the greatest idea ever when I was a kid you know throw these darts up the end them those things are no joke it's like three or four inches of steel yeah needle yeah it's basically like a shuttlecock right if you guys know like the

badminton shuttlecock with like a three or four inch steel needle in the top or maybe a short arrow and you throw the dart up in the it's a dart why am I not describing it as a big steel dart? Imagine a dart one would use on the lawn. A dart you might throw at a giant or something. It's like three or four inches of steel with the big feather thing behind it, but they're typically plastic. And yeah, you throw way up in the air, and the steel's so heavy they come driving down. But we never, well, we rarely, what they do is you put circles on the ground. Hundreds of kids' faces. It was a little like horseshoes where you throw it across the yard and try and get it in a circle.

But that's not what people did. They threw it straight up in the air as hard as they could, and then they watched them come down, and you dodge them. It was a terrible, terrible idea. Can you imagine the age that came out in? Like the 30s or 40s when they're playing that and the parents are just having their martinis and the kids are doing that. The parents are watching them and they're like throwing it poorly and they're like, Billy, calm your nerves with a cigarette. Throw it better. That's good. That's funny

imagining that alright here's one for you so look if NASA offered you the chance to be the first person to walk on Mars but you had a 10% chance of survival would you do it? nope

not even not a chance. My legacy of that means nothing to me if I'm dead. You're not going to die well either. Change it to 2% and then ask me again. He's going to change your answer? Okay.

If you had a 2% chance of living, would you do it for the 2% chance of living? No. Why would that happen? Why did we go through that exercise? If there was a 0% chance of me dying,

I don't even think that I'd want to put myself through going... Oh, wow. I'd totally do that. For 0%, I would do it. If I get to live and be the first Martian, then let's do this. Yeah, absolutely. I to live and be the first Martian, then let's do this. Yeah, absolutely. I could vlog the whole thing. I mean, you're guaranteed to go down in history, right?

You're the Neil Armstrong, the strong. Like, this is going to happen. I can't do it. I have too much responsibility. I got, like, a special needs kid, a wife, a daughter, etc. I can't go rolling the dice, you know, with a 10% chance of surviving. But, you know, a hypothetical single me surviving but you know a hypothetical single me if things aren't

going good and you offer me a chance to be immortal like this you know that's true if i were home all right could you live in your closet for like i'd be bigger than that two years maybe he's maybe was his closet but Yeah my closet's fine I could live in there Yeah man I got a fridge in there Do we get the changing room I could ride my bike for laps in there Changing room

If we have a changing room with a mirror That's a made up room The mirror must be 8 feet tall So like what is the ship that they're going In though It's not going to be some huge Babylon 5 city. It's going to be something... It's a ship with a 90% success rate.

Yeah. No, a 10% success rate. It's the confined spaces for a really extended period of time. I just wouldn't want to do it Yeah that'd be Being in space just the idea of it I want to say it'd be so cool and I'm sure it would But that would just be so surreal

And freaky like I feel like I would get up there And immediately have a panic attack And just not even be able to If I was going to be alone on a Spaceship for like three years On my way to Mars I would download petabytes of porn. Lots of porn. I would get all the porn.

Bring that book job machine, get it solar powered. I would come prepared with so much. My spaceship would have the odor of spunk. It would never be removed. We got to ejaculate into space. There's so much semen, we had to start vaporizing it. Little did we know, it became addictive. 75 years later, when they discover the vessel,

it looked like that room from South Park when they first got there. It's like five autoblows that look like those horse masturbatory devices and then just like 600 dead D cell batteries. What happened here? That's all I do to pass the time. Like if it was just going to the space station for like a week and then coming home, I'd do that. I could be in the confined space

for a little while, but years... I think you're looking at a six-month journey or something like that. You're not going to get there back in six months. I probably get space sick. Probably.

I don't think you'll find out that you get space sick like 15 minutes into the journey. Just hold on, Woody. You'll be back home in 18 months. At least there's a 10% chance you'll be back home in 18 months. Hopefully they would figure out that

you got space sick before they rocketed you to Mars. I would like to go in one of those centrifuges. We saw those videos of that Air Force guy. He was taking multiple Gs and staying conscious. That looked interesting. That guy that was the hero and they offered him an opportunity. Yeah, that was pretty neat.

Have you ever been on those gravity things at amusement parks where they drop the floor out and you're stuck on the wall. Yeah, I did those well, actually. I did not. I vomited. You vomited on one of those? I got so sick from that thing. It ruined the day.

Well, it's like one of those times ten. I went upside down on one. Did you vomit while you were on it? No, no. I don't remember where I actually vomited. I may have just made me really nauseous and i never did vomit but i just remember i didn't even want the deep fried twinkie afterwards oh i get that at amusement parks too sometimes it's not that i'm vomiting i'm always

like excited to go to the next ride but secretly kind of thankful that there's a line you know just a little recovery time for me to get things straight before the next ride starts. You went home? Oh, yeah. It was bad. I felt like shit. I prefer roller coasters much more over, like, the spinning me around. I don't get on the swings.

I don't get on, like, the teacups, any of that shit. It'll make me puke. The spinning around stuff. But as long as it's a roller coaster, the roller coasters can, like, you know, do loops. They can do anything they want. And I'm fearless. But you put me on, They can do anything they want, and I'm fearless. But you put me on the teacups, and I'll be puking everywhere. Or those scramblers where you just have to pray to God that someone who doesn't weigh 50 pounds more than you sits to the left of you.

And then it's just, whoa! Whoa! And they're just getting smushed. I threw up on a kid on one of those one time. I myself was probably like 10 And he was younger than me And I had my friend to my left and his little brother to my right And I don't know why I didn't vomit on my own lap

That's what I would do now I would like pull my shirt up and just vomit in my shirt Or something I guess I was just like And just puked in this guy's like All of his like legs And shoes and lap and stuff you ruined his day and his friend's days

I got to use all of my shoes too I should have felt worse than I did but I just didn't give a fuck at the time fucks given equals zero I was worried about my sneakers I had to clean them that night I had to eat a candy apple too

that's nasty I haven't had a candy apple in ages. Me either. He just vomited a turkey leg and a bunch of artificial caramel all over the place. One time I got sick after I'd eaten a bunch of fudge brownies, so it was like shitting out of your mouth like Cartman. It was just like sticky. It was just like bleh. It was just tears running down my face my girlfriend was at the door he's like

they were sticky and you could feel it coming down your esophagus it It was the worst. It was really bad. Dude, I've got a story. Let's hear it. Alright, so this happened in India on my birthday, February 19th. Wedding ends in brawl after bride marries the guest instead of the groom. Like on accident?

No. It was surely a wedding that both families will never forget. A bride in india decided to marry a guest on her big day after the groom-to-be had a seizure during the ceremony the decision sparked a brawl after the husband-to-be regained consciousness and realized his would-be wife was with someone else reported the times of india the incident unfolded when Jugal Kishore of Morabdabad was preparing to garland his 23-year-old bride, Indira. As Kishore extended his arms, he had an epileptic fit and fell to the ground in front of the gathering. The bride, apparently angry that her family was kept in the dark about Kishore's medical condition,

announced that she would marry a guest at the wedding instead the guests dressed only in jeans and a leather jacket who was reportedly startled before agreeing to the bride's request and the ceremony continued after kashore received medical treatment from a doctor and returned to the wedding he pleaded with the bride to change her mind but she refused a brawl then broke out where spoons, plates, and dishes were used as weapons. Authorities detained a few in the brawl. Kishore's family later filed a police report but withdrew it after amicably resolving the matter with the bride's family. The police officer told the Times of India.

So yeah. Dude, doesn't this have to be like someone that she knows? It's not like a complete stranger. It could be. That's the thing about Indian marriages. Woody knows better than anyone. This would be insane if it were anywhere but India. Do you think it was an arranged marriage or one of those super rich families where they let them do what they want and they have a giant 5,000 person feast?

What often happens in India is kind of a... They wouldn't consider them arranged marriages they're like this wasn't an arranged marriage there was a detailed interview process we agreed to this you know like they think of an arranged marriage as one where like it's almost forced right like like that happens in game of thrones but what happens in india is like you know like all right so this guy's in you know interviewing all these potential families. They'll make sure the whole family meshes. They'll make sure that they match. They might even go on, like, one or two dates.

And then they get married. And I guess. But the parents are providing the candidates, right? Right. And they're involved in the interview process. And oftentimes, like, they know each other. And they kind of know what kind of stock they're dealing with too, right? This is my son.

He's a doctor and he's handsome. So I expect prime grade women to be applying for this guy. This is my other son. You know, he's an auto mechanic and he's medium looking. So we expect some C grade women, you you know to be applying for the position of his wife and it's still pretty callous to do all this in the middle of the wedding where it's just like ah fuck it whatever we're already here grab this guy let's do it so so he had an epileptic seizure and they were like oh you didn't disclose the fact that this guy wasn't prime breeding

material during the interview process so so she married a guest. Sure, callous, without a doubt. But do you think that that guy was not pre-qualified? Like, he's the second string quarterback, put him in? Oh, the guest? Right. I don't know. I wonder what he said.

Like, all right, I'm going to marry someone else. What do we got out here? Engineer, look like this, 23 years old. Alright, alright, not bad. What else we got out here? PhD candidate, 27 years old, look like that. I wonder how quickly she found guy number two. Like the dad up there, like an auctioneer.

We got an engineer, We got an engineer. Doctor, doctor. Give me doctor. Give me doctor. Doctor, doctor. Five. Sold. Do I hear attorney? Do I hear attorney? Patent lawyer. Patent lawyer. Her family must have been really rich or she must have been really hot for some dude to just agree out of nowhere to get married

like that, knowing that this is the type of woman that if you get stopped for like a fucking speeding ticket on the way home from work, she's going to be calling the insurance agency trying to cash in on your life insurance. I haven't seen him in 18 minutes past when he was supposed to be home. He's dead. Dead. I'm about to get remarried.

That's... I guess you could just say something about culture and it being okay, but I have no idea. I'm not very versed in Indian culture. Yeah, it just seems very bizarre to me. Shucks. I'm trying to... Her first name's Indira,

but I want to like... I wish I could find her first and last name so I could Google her and see what she looks like. It's not coming up. Yeah, I wonder how hot she was that'd be that'd be interesting but those indian marriages those are huge right like they have hundreds of people there so it seems like a bad idea to be like well there's 2500 people here probably a good idea to piss off 1250 of them like yeah they're they're big they're expensive they're multi-day

affairs and um also like the people i worked with would send themselves deep into debt like like they'd spend you know 50 75 000 a year salary on their you know brother's wedding just to shower them in like gifts and things and a lot of them had no lasting value either you know brother's wedding just to shower them in like gifts and things and a lot of them had no lasting value either you know like big shows and displays of wealth or fun for the wedding day you know like it's one thing like in my head this is the frugal version of me but like if you devote 75 grand towards the house he's buying that's a really cool thing but 75 grand in party that's stupid you buy three and a half million doves it's like dude fuck you yeah that that's a good example too i've never been to a party that cost 75 000 so i couldn't really say if you haven't lived i'm trying to think I went to a $40,000 or $50,000 wedding once

Yeah Joe's wedding's coming up That should be a nice little affair I'm sure I hope it's frugal Yeah we talked about this one time I don't think they're frugal about that sort of thing Joe seems really pragmatic

I remember when you And me and Joe And maybe one other person, I can't remember who it was. We're in a car in Chicago and we're kind of talking about we were talking about this sort of thing. We're talking about how much to spend on weddings and you were being really pragmatic. And I feel like he was the one being like, nah, nah, you throw a big one. And he was he was talking about making, you know, spending a lot of money. And we'll see what he does. I hope I'm with you.

I feel like it should be spending a lot of money. We'll see what he does. I'm with you. I feel like it should be a conservative sort of thing. Yeah, I don't know where they landed. Last time I talked to Joe about it, he and his fiance were... I mean, I guess they were putting their heads together trying to figure out where on the spectrum they wanted to land. Yeah. So it should be cool. I look forward to it.

In May, right? They get married? Yeah, May. Yeah. So April paint Yeah, May. Yeah. So April paintball, May marriage. Good. Yeah, it's going to be good. I think we should get a few more.

I don't like them saying that we don't come through with that stuff. Because a lot of the stuff, like the Jeremy Wheel of Pain thing, you just can't make, like, if he come come, I'd do it. He won't come. He refuses to do the Jeremy wheel of pain. Like, he won't. I don't know why, right? I mean, this... It's because it's torture.

I know. He's got a full-time job. He's working. There will be no Jeremy wheel of pain because Jeremy doesn't want to be subjected to a wheel of pain. You know, 2012 Jeremy would have done it. Oh, 2012 Jeremy would have fucking put a bottle rocket up his ass or something. We need a 2012 Jeremy. What is the Wheel of Pain?

It's a little wheel you spin, and there are like pie sections on it, and some of them are cash, and some of them are horrible things, like getting shot with a beanbag round or tasered or getting a PKA tattoo or having to do six shots back to back. Weird stuff like that. Pickle shots and eating horrible things. That sounds like fun.

Yeah. I thought it'd be fun. It seemed like fun for us. But Jeremy wasn't up for it. Yeah. That's how things go. Yeah. Some of those things weren't our fault. I think a couple of them were Wings-related, like video ideas that he didn't follow up with. Yeah, you can't get somebody to do Fat Lincoln

if they don't want to do Fat Lincoln. Oh. Four-hour limit for the group call. What? Oh, really? Reached your four-hour limit. I've never seen that. Let's call back. Okay.

I didn't know that was a thing. All right. And call. seen that let's call back okay I didn't know that was a thing all right and call here we go all right we got a little four hours let's see our people in the right slots they are all right cool all right so that's the thing I never had a yeah we reached the four hour limit on our group call so we're back so let's press on a bit what were we just talking about that kind of fat lincoln now i'm not sure fat lincoln was a gold idea that was my idea so so it's a little bit more than just him dressing up as fat lincoln he was gonna do a uh a a gettysburg address but it was gonna be gaming related it was you know four score and eight Call of Duties ago

our fathers brought forth onto this game platform a new shooter! You know, it was going to be like that. And I was going to write it for him. And that was just off the top of my head there, so I could probably come up with something pretty good. I found the costume. I once did a video and I couldn't find it, but

basically I took that Al Pacino speech from any given Sunday and did it again in terms of domination, right? Like this game is fought for one ticket at a time and you fight for those tickets and you call for those tickets. Oh my God. I thought it was the coolest thing. And I thought my delivery was amazing. And my voice was hoarse like his was, and I drummed up all the like passion and inspiration i could and then i uploaded it thinking like yeah drop the mic this shit's gonna go wild oh my god it was one of the poorest received videos in the history of my channel

they all said i suck that you know they never tried to do pacino that it if you had had wings do lincoln there's a decent chance it would have been received the same way. Do your Pacino voice. I want to hear it. I need the speech. I don't know, man. You put Wings in a costume, and it's just funny. When you saw him wearing that wig, drinking that juice that was going to make him poop or whatever, that's a funny video because he's wearing the wig.

It looks a little bit like John Travolta from Pul fiction but he's he's him so it's just did he wear drinking the juice it was like a long black like wig like down to here almost it was all in his eyes he's like pulling it out of his face while he's like you and kitty are talking about it he's he drinks down this juice drink that's got these seeds in it and it like cleans your colon out or something he hadn't't pooped in three or four days. About to have to glove up and go on in there like Gangster Granny or something. Gangster Grandma on the task. Yeah, he's going to have to go in elbow deep to get the guy moving his bowels. I was talking to Joe.

I was texting with him. I was like, he still isn't shit, man. What the fuck? That was funny. Yeah, there were a lot of ideas like that you just can't get people to to do stuff like that now i've put on like six costumes on the show i'll dress up as fat lincoln but maybe maybe i could be regular lincoln i'll look into those no no the fat is what makes it funny i thought so regular lincoln is an academy award-winning movie you're not gonna beat that

it's true it's true speaking of the academy what was daniel day lewis him birdman won uh best picture that was a great movie i really liked it we uh woody and i and she has watched it together i was neutral on it i don't know like upon reflection go ahead stratton was trying to talk it's like watching a play though it was like it's it's cool play but as a movie and like the whole continuous shot thing's cool but i i really didn't think it was like the best movie ever as far as content i enjoyed the performances i thought edward norton was great and i really liked watching actors portray actors acting if that makes sense because it was different when they were on that stage putting on

a performance for the crowd they're they're acting like they're acting acting like they're acting it's clearly different and that's a whole nother level of acting and you could see it and edward norton was great and uh and michael keaton i've always known was a great actor he's one of those guys he's like a reddit uh our movies favorite favorite. They've been shouting that guy's praises for years wanting him to have that comeback role. So they're just drooling over this. Everybody's so happy for him. I liked the performances

and the cinematography of it. But as a story meh. You nailed it for me too. The performances were incredible. What Kyle said about actors playing actors was really interesting too like you could see them up there on stage being actors and then they came out of that role and it's like they weren't acting anymore all of a sudden they

were so good at their characters that you're like oh now i'm back to real life and and like so that was kind of neat to see they it the the cast was super talented but the story afterwards like i was just emma stone was good it was like a vanity vehicle or something for michael keaton to show off his talents and you know that that's not what i'm looking for i like that because story because i felt like the the character in in the in the in the film so directly mirrored michael keaton's reality like you know right it seemed like the character is struggling with the fact that he can't be birdman anymore this superhero he played back in the day that's not in style anymore and nowadays superhero guys who are playing superheroes are making millions and

millions and they're you know the you know you got robert downey jr he and he's even thinking about he's like you should have been iron man and you know going back and forth to this right and you look at the birdman poster and you're like wait a minute when you take like this much of it away it's batman this is all a parallel to keaton's bat performances batman back in the early 90s you know he was the first batman and it's almost like he's speaking from the heart here like like he's really saying like I was fucking Batman first I had that shit nailed people loved me as Batman. You know, I could have been Iron Man It's almost like he's really

It's almost like it's real and that was kind of dark to me like when he's having that self reflection If you can even call it that when he's having a conversation with Birdman and Birdman's like you're a god And he's just like he's just get my head! Like, back and forth. I like that. What's your take on the telekinesis? Oh, that's all in his head. He was crazy. He's not flying. I knew that from the beginning. Like, the guy doesn't have any superpowers.

Yeah, he was just a lunatic. He was just imagining all these things, living in his glory days. Yeah, Birdman. The coolest part to me was, like I said, that it almost felt like it was real and that maybe Michael Keaton has those thoughts in his own head. I liked it a lot. I didn't think it was going to win Best Picture,

and I thought Interstellar was going to get some awards, but they seemed to get nothing. That's my favorite movie of the year. Of the year. It was so fucking good. I want to sit twice in the theaters for a three hour movie to feel like oh man, I just want to watch it again.

Yeah, I really enjoyed it. I'm going to watch it a second time here soon. But it's one of those movies that I want to make sure I'm upstairs on my big TV and it's night time and the lights are off and I can turn the volume up as loud as I want and I can really enjoy it because it's just so good.

I went to IMAX to see it the first time. I did too. Because they shot it in what millimeter? It was like 45mm or something. It was like 90. It was something crazy. And you had to go to a special theater to get the full effect of it and I did

that. I went to the biggest theater in Georgia and watched it. I really dug it. It might be 70, double 35. Yeah, that's it. But it didn't really get any. I don't think it got any awards. I know Boyhood got a couple.

It seemed like Birdman. That's the one I want to see. Yeah, I'm interested in that, the whole process. Ethan Hawke's in that one as well, I think. So yeah, I'd be up for watching that. Selma, is that it, about the civil rights movie? I'm not interested in that one as well i think uh so so yeah i'd be up for watching that uh selma is that it about the civil rights movie i i'm not interested in that at all i'd watch it but yeah i forget um i'm gonna slaughter the joke but it was uh bill maher from the hbo special was saying that he's like you know the awards have gotten so segmented, right?

Like all the black people are voting for like Selma to get it. And all the white people are voting for Interstellar to get it. And then all the priests in the Vatican are voting for boyhood because that's what they're into. That's funny. Awesome joke. 12 years a slave. That was a good movie. That's the one he actually said it was, 12 years a slave? How's a good that's the one he actually said it was 12 years asleep. That was a good movie. I still haven't seen it It's very good. I recommend it. There's only so much white guilt that you could pile on my shoulders here

I don't need to see that I know what it's about. It's awful It's a he was a northerner and these guys came up from the south and they basically Kidnapped this man who was a free man and brought him down to the south and enslaved him for 12 years and it's his story i don't need that it was probably my fucking great great great grandpa who went and like clubbed him over the head or something like but i mean even outside of the story if you can like birdman for its performance and cinematography and stuff like that outside of the story it's still a good movie to watch i see where you're going with that but i need a little more. It can't be depressing. I can

watch a movie like my life. Well, it has a happy ending. Spoiler alert. Do you know what I didn't realize about Sleepless? I was watching Crash Course. Are you guys familiar with Crash Course, the YouTube channel? John Green runs it. I don't think so. I discovered it. It's not new, but I discovered it two or three months ago.

And it's amazing. This guy in 15 minutes covers history. And the production value is super high. And I just keep learning more about John Green. You know that A Fault in Our Stars? That movie about the two kids with cancer? My daughter loved it. He wrote that book.

He has like several. He has the Vlogbrothers YouTube channel. He has the Crash Course YouTube channel. this guy's just amazing at his jobs anyway he um he did a thing on slavery and the big takeaway from it that that was news to me was i always thought we we like i had anything to do with it got the slaves by going to africa in like the dark of night and stealing people and putting them on boats and chaining them up, et cetera. That wasn't how it happened at all.

Like we'd go, we again, uh, but the, the slave traders would go work with like the chiefs of a tribe and they would give up their people. They'd sell them. They were selling people into slavery and then they'd take them to, um, the America and they'd sell them at They were selling people into slavery, and then they'd take them to America,

and they'd sell them at a higher price. Yeah, or the Caribbean. Or the Caribbean, yeah. They were going, they were buying slaves for a dollar and selling them for two. And they just made the slave traders seem like the only bad people in this chain when the other bad people

were the chiefs of these African tribes. Yeah. Sometimes they'd sell enemies, but a lot of times, yeah, you're right, they'd sell their own people. They were out to make a buck. It wasn't a... There has to be instances of people just kidnapping a whole village

and putting them on a boat, though. I just don't think that the traders are equipped for that. They've got to show up and, you show up it's easier to show up with gold or currency of some kind and just pay to get the people than it is to show up with a bunch of guys and like all right we're going to this village over here and like like take them by armed combat or something like that yeah if that were going on you if that were going on it wouldn't take long before the villages were really ready to defend themselves against a ship. One ship full of invaders is going to get you nowhere.

But a ship where you can buy people, I can see how that becomes a sustainable model. I never knew that. I didn't know it either, but afterwards it made perfect sense. And it was like, you know, I feel like the chiefs of Africa got off scot-free in the annals of history. You know, when the slave traders were made out to be the sole bad guys or the slave buyers. What about the slave sellers? They're awful too. Yeah.

I think everyone in the whole chain was a little bit, well, morally off. Well, it's good to see Africa as such a peaceful place nowadays. It's a Republican dream. Advanced and forward-thinking. Yeah, there's very little government controls, guns for everybody. This is no EPA. Progressive

is the way to say it. Africa is a scary fucking place. Progressive is the term for Democrat now, right? Yeah. It's such a douchey way to describe yourself. It's a libertarian dream. It's a way to describe yourself that's also condescending to others.

Oh, of course you don't get it. You're not progressive. You're not progressing society like I am. I am progressive. Let me pat you on your head. You don't understand i just fuck you but they made liberal a curse word they had to pick a new one what would you have picked uh i don't know yeah hippie hippie

yeah but yeah they somehow made liberal a bad word. Oh, the rare spotting of the Merker girlfriend. I've got a question for you, Merker. Very sneaky. Your room back there is immaculate. Is it always so? My room? Yeah, I'm looking behind you.

Every book is in place. Look at those two decorative things on top of the case. It's very well organized. It looks recently vacuumed. Those are all TV series or movies. Yeah, that's all movies and TV series. Books are on a different shelf over there. But it's usually pretty clean.

Your pictures are square. That place is... You are a landlord's dream. I'm always very disorganized. Hence the backdrop. I'm disorganized and that is my backdrop. This room is a

real fucking disaster area. There is shit everywhere. Just guns and bullets. Guns and bullets and all kind of gear and accessories. There's like a pile of holsters over there and like paintball pods and pistols. My other paintball rifle like weights over here and like, I don't know, night vision and gun cases and ammo and a bowl with an old banana peel in it. And I'm not dirty. I don't leave like food sitting out rotting and stuff, but it bowl with an old banana peel in it. And I'm not dirty. I don't leave food sitting out, rotting

and stuff, but it's a lot of stuff. It's all valuable stuff, but here, I'll give you a little shot of what's on the floor here. That's a pile of valuable stuff just spread out all over the floor. That's a funny way for people who are kind of messy to justify their messiness, where it's like, well, it's not like

there are cats rotting under newspapers from 1943, but there's a little bit of stuff. My big mess is that PC case back there. And I just haven't parted with it yet. It was expensive. It was $400, but it was the one I wanted. So I was like, all right, I'll spend the extra $250, I guess, over what a normal good case would cost. And I'll use it from PC to PC to PC. Well, now I want a rack-mounted case. So I took all the internals and put it in a new rack-mountable case. And I'm just like, well, that thing is good. It's not broken.

I could still have it. Why would I throw it away? Throwing it away because it's just a mess sitting there. It doesn't have much value to me. It just a little slowed apart with it because it cost a lot yeah yeah so I'm gonna buy things I took so much of my junk and ebated I if it was easier to ship I mean it's big

and it's heavy and I feel like it cost $75 to ship somewhere hmm Craigslist maybe that then you gotta deal with oh yeah Craigslist I don then you gotta deal with it though yeah Craigslist I don't know then I have to deal with it like you said

trash list man just fucking dump it move on let it go I think that's what I'll do but I haven't done it yet yeah I've got a new story

what you got the world's first penis reduction surgery. That can't be the first. Wow. According to the Daily Mail and I think Fox News was involved. Ooh, the Daily Mail. There's a reputable news source.

The teenager requested the operation after his manhood grew so large that he wasn't able to have sex anymore. Wow. 17-year-old boys undergone the world's first penis reduction surgery, surgeons claim. The American teen requested the surgery after his penis grew too large, restricting his ability to have sex or play competitive sports. The boys' surgeons were shocked when he came to them complaining his penis was too big.

When flaccid, it measured almost 7 inches in length and had a circumference of 10 inches, around the size of a grapefruit. That's like a disease. That's like elephantitis. Yeah, elephantitis the dick. That's like having fluid stuck in your skin. Surgeons described

it as being shaped like an American football. The surgeon who treated the teenager, Raphael Carreon, a urologist at the University of South Florida, of course. There comes a time in every urologist's career that a patient makes a request so rare and it's impossible to comprehend that all the training breaks down and leaves the physician speechless. That question was, can you make my penis smaller? The teenager had suffered from bouts of priapism i don't know what that is an unwanted erection due to having a condition in which an abnormally shaped blood cell blocks the vessels in the penis causing it to swell the episode left his penis

bloated and misshapen he said he was unable to have sex or play competitive sports after having difficulty wearing pants due to his large and heavy phallus, he was embarrassed by how visible it was and it appeared under regular clothing. Though his penis was large, it didn't grow when he had erections. It merely became firmer. His penis inflated like a balloon. This sounds like a man's dream, a tremendously infated phallus. But unfortunately, it was degenerate's length and its girth was just massive,

especially around the middle. It looked like an American football. Dr. Carey and his team looked at the medical literature but couldn't find any precedent for what to do. Lord knows, there's a global race on how to make it longer and thicker in plastic surgery circles, but very little on how to make it smaller.

In the end, they decided to embark on a surgical technique normally used to treat prions disease a condition where scar tissue develops around the penis causing it to bend the surgeon sliced along an old circumcision star scar unwrapped the penis and cut out two segments of tissue from either side it was a bit like having two side tummy tucks. That's how we explained it to him. The doctors were able to bypass the urethra, the tube which carries urine through the penis, and all the nerves that provide sensation.

The teenager spent just two days in the hospital before returning home, apparently ecstatic with his new penis. The doctors didn't take final measurements of the penis, although Dr. Carrion told MailOnline the result was, quote-unquote, generous. It's slightly longer and thicker than the average male but now it looks symmetrical and the patient was very satisfied the teen now has no problem having normal erections with full sensation it looks cosmetically appealing it was a life-changing event and he's all smiles since the paper describing the surgery was published in the journal of sexual medicine Wow. whereas the first teenager had an obvious medical condition that needed training performing surgery on someone who's completely healthy but having difficulties with the size of his penis

is another matter their controversial waters were stepping in who is the judge what is a legitimate complaint and what isn't you don't normally have men complaining about these things it's a unique case that cryopism thing like that would eventually that would have like made it rot off like if there's no blood getting there I have a medical picture of the penis here I don't want to see it

I don't want to see it either you do it's like an x-ray alright oh yeah that's a problem it's not a good cock I mean I've seen many many cocks and

not a good one yeah this is not one of my favorites when you first said about the penis reduction I'm thinking like a 15 inch penis cut down to 7 but that's not the case it was not made shorter it was just this over swollen football

reduced down to a penis size. Yeah, I forget. They said how long did they say it was? 10 inches? No. They said 7. 10 around. Oh, right, right. They didn't They said 7 in length

and 10 around. Flaccid. Flaccid, yeah, yeah. They said it didn't change because there was that condition, the blood clot, right? It just got firmer or something. That's a weird scenario. Well, good for him.

Yeah, good for him. That's unfortunate. It's been hard to walk around with that thing. Congratulations on your new penis. Yeah, I wonder what his situation is like in high school. Oh, whoops. I wonder if I could kill them.

It can't be that embarrassing. There are much more embarrassing things to have happen in high school. No, dude, but this isn't just like, oh, it's getting everywhere. It's like a deformity. Oh my god! No, dude, but this isn't just like, oh, it's getting everywhere. It's like it's a second deformity It doesn't even look like was so big they had to operate on it

I'd like yeah, that'd be great and I bet it's one of the situations like they described in Freaking story though. I bet I bet it's a better penis afterwards. I bet he has a Perfectly shaped when it's it's perfectly symmetrical. He got exactly what he wanted. I wonder it's a better penis afterwards. I bet he has a perfectly shaped one. It's perfectly symmetrical. He got exactly what he wanted. I wonder if it stands up properly, right? Because before it seemed to just inflate like a water balloon. You really want it to point north.

It made it sound like. Hmm. Well. Maybe they'll write a follow-up story. Maybe it'll be porn. That'd be great. That's what itup story. Maybe he'll do porn. That'd be great. Maybe he'll end up in the porn industry. I wonder how it will be.

A career for him. Yeah, there could be some money in there. He's 17 now. He's got to hang on. Well, is that a show? I believe it is. All right. So Painkiller already, episode 219.

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God, we've got to partner with them and make some kind of a website because I think that'd be really fun. And I got some ideas. Check out Wicked Shrapnel. Link in the description. Thanks for having me, guys. I'm working with Dan again. Use my coupon code. Buy their shit.

Make them like me. Alright, take it easy.