Painkiller Already - Painkiller Already #258

Episode Date: December 3, 2015

This week on PKA, professional stand-up comedian John Caparulo joins the show, they talk about comedy, comedians, religion and a lot of various conspiracy theories.

Live, Painkiller Already, episode 257. We just want everyone to know that this episode is being brought to you by our friends over at Credit Karma. We're going to be talking more about them later in the show. There's a link in the description. But first, I want to talk a little bit more about our second sponsor of the night, AppWin. So we're kicking off this PK with a turning sponsor, AppWin.com. Here's a little bit about AppWin.com 2.0.

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and redeem some prizes. I have a question. Holidays are coming up. That'd be nice. Was that an ad lib or part of the read? That was an ad lib. Oh, wow. Yeah. I was just thinking, yeah. I like it. Yeah. So we've got a very special guest tonight. We've got John Caparulo, a very well-known comedian.

I think we're all at least small fans of you. I'm a big fan. I watched your special over there on Netflix, and, yeah, it's good to have you on, man. I appreciate it. It's good to be here. Good to be here. I mean, I'm at my house, but good to be on.

You're virtually here. It's good to be on Skype together. It is. It is. It's futuristic bonding. My first four girlfriends, I never met outside of Skype. So, I mean, you know, we had great relationships. No, not really.

Oh, that would be so sad. That would be so sad. I would be really sad, too. I thought you were just exaggerating the truth. Did you ever have any Skype sex where you masturbated into the camera? Anything like that, Kyle? Don't lie. Yeah, yeah. I might have done

that before. Yeah, sure. Once or twice. Always with your face off cam, though, right? Yeah, yeah, sure. Of course. Yeah, yeah. Definitely so. And, you know, you've got the multiple windows, and your window is just a dick, and her window is just a pussy, and whatever she's doing to it. Yeah, yeah.

Absolutely. Sure. That whole middle gap is just imagining. That sounds gross. Yeah. It's not a long distance relationship. It's hard to keep the fire there. Hard to maintain fidelity when you've got people running around messing with you.

Oh, I saw someone point out on the subreddit a while back that I was wearing a wedding a wedding ring a few years ago or a year or two ago and they were like what was that about was kyle engaged was he engaged to that girl he was talking about that you broke up with no i was not engaged i will never get married i don't believe in it and uh i was wearing the ring as um literally protection so that women would stop hitting on me online because that was making my girlfriend very uncomfortable it was like an infidelity condom. You were making you hopefully less attractive to all the harlots. Let me get this straight. You believe in fidelity, but you don't believe in marriage.

I'm just asking out of curiosity. She believed heavily in fidelity, and I believed heavily in fidelity with her. And we both knew that it was a lot more challenging for me to maintain fidelity with the level of girls kind of hitting on me that there were online and stuff. So I was like, would it make you feel more comfortable if I wore a wedding ring? It's a challenge we all face, right, John? I was like, I'd do that for you.

No, I haven't. But you. No, I haven't. But, you know, I've heard that other dudes face it, and I'm jealous. But, yeah, I'm not at the level where I have to believe in marriage. I guess. Yeah, I found a

hot chick who wanted to spend her life with me, and I'm like, I believe the fuck out of that. So let's do it. So it's worked out for me. Well, don't sell yourself short. I always thought, like, you know, once you're on Netflix, it's an easy street, right? You know, just everybody watching.

If you can play a guitar, I think. But comics don't. It doesn't really translate. Because comedy is one of those things, like, I think, but comics don't. It doesn't really translate because comedy is one of those things like, you know, I noticed early on single chicks don't really go to comedy shows much. It's not a, you know, it's a date night thing. You've never been to a Russell Brand show. I haven't. I think he is the exception to the rule.

There are certain, yeah yeah you're right there are certain dudes like rock star ish hot like single dudes you know or or whatever it's good looking men you know who do comedy which is rare would you want to get it thrown at him right now chris rock just uh you know he just had a divorce and everything. He's single for the first time in many, many years. He's friends with Leonardo DiCaprio. He's got to be getting so much ass. He's also really wealthy. Incredibly wealthy.

Wealthy people are very attractive. I thought that went without saying. Yeah. Well, Kyle, have you ever seen a Russell Brand show? Would you want to go watch that tight-pants liberal dance around for an hour? Dude, all right. Would you want to go watch that tight-pantsed liberal dance around for an hour? Dude, all right.

So first of all, he's pretty out there with this extreme socialist sort of political leaning. But I enjoy his comedy, and I like his silly accent. I really enjoyed him in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. And there was that movie he did, Get Him to the Greek or something like that. That was really fun. I like him. My bigger issue with Russell Brand is the way that he communicates with people, right? I don't know.

I feel like you sit next to him and he's like, tell me more about you. With that intense kind of eye contact that seems to be half show. There's too much Russell Brand. Yeah. He only comes in one size. He seems too much Russell Brand. Yeah. You know, like there's just, yeah.

He only comes in one side. He seems like the type of guy who'd just be, yeah. It's like, dude, I just can't right now. Yeah. Yeah, I just can't. I don't believe you're that interested in my opinion. And the way he says love when he's talking to you seems almost condescending. Where it's like, oh, what's wrong, love? Like, don't feel like you're too friendly

with me right now. He was married to Katy Perry, right? No. He was. Dude, get this. Are you going to point out that in the divorce proceedings, if he wanted to, he could have taken a big sum of money,

but he chose... He turned down, I forget if it was $20 million or $50 million, but he was entitled to that much money and he said, you know what? Nah, I'm fine. You keep it. Well, that's good for him. Very stand-up guy. I've got a question about hecklers. Comedians seem to hate

hecklers a lot. And it seemed like even more, now I've never heckled a comedian. So just put that out there. But I was watching – You're an adult. I was watching your show, and I thought I had a funny line.

Yeah. I know what it was. You were talking about something, and you said, because I could give a shit. You said, I'll poop on their porch because I couldn't give a shit. And I thought, it sounds like you could. And I'm like, oh, that would be a funny heckle. But you would hate it. What would you do with that?

Would you be like, ah, good counterpoint? You know what? I mean, in the moment, of course you've got to, you know, I've done comedy for 18 years. So, I mean, I can roll with it. And I don't know why anybody would try to mess with a professional comedian especially like a headliner like I have a microphone I'm louder than you you know you're I'm just gonna beat

you up while you're getting dragged out by security so it's not gonna go well yeah I and everybody on your side. But I can understand. If somebody just wants to, if they think they have a good one in there that they can toss in, and if it goes well, usually we're not that upset. But the thing is,

even when I, like I've always said, I've had times with hecklers that I've completely just destroyed them, and I can't follow it. Like, so, like, the rest of my show sucks because I can't reach that high because the audience got so almost, like, prison yard crazy over you beating up this person that they kind of wanted you to check because they were being loud or whatever the whole show so it's it's just it's never good i wish it was like there's like two different there's like two different kinds of

hecklers right there's there's the one heckler who's like i'm gonna go fuck with john tonight let's i'm gonna go i'm gonna piss in his. And then there's the other kind that I ran into. I was at a Josh Blue show. He won Last Comic Standing, I think. He's a disabled comic. And I saw him in person one night in Atlanta. And outside the show, we were all lined up, and there was this loud lady.

And I looked at my girlfriend, and I was like, she's gonna be a problem. She's gonna be a problem. I could tell she was so catty, and she was so boisterousous and the way she moved around her fit like her body language was that of someone who felt like who was as comfortable in that outdoor public setting as she would be in her living room. She really felt like she could express herself and would get no you know repercussions and sure enough in show, every time the guy gets to his punchline,

she's like, ah, ha, ha, ha, yeah, but this and that. And it's just like, and he warns her like two, three times. And finally, they stop the show, put the light on her, embarrass her, she starts crying. That was the funniest part of the night. Yeah, that's great. Funniest part of the night is when she started crying and didn't understand why like no one liked her stand-up she thinks she's funny and kind of wants to get kind of close to the fire but doesn't want to

really get in so it's like the yeah you have those sort of people who um you know they're they're basically class clowns at a clown show like it's like dude why why are you you know but they think like they just they just want to get so close to the action but they don't want to be responsible for you know if it goes if it goes south you know i mean which is heavy job. You mentioned that you have the mic. It's even worse heckling a handicapped guy. Like, why heckle that guy? Like the guy with the cerebral palsy or something, and he's up there. It's not like you don't know. Like he's going to hit you with that knowledge and drop it and make you feel guilty.

It's like half of his jokes are about how he's knocking things over and can't control his arm. He was in the Special Olympics. He's got a great story about that. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, he's like, I'm looking at them and they're running circles around,

but he's like, they're not handicapped. They turn around and they don't have any arms or something like that. I'm glad you mentioned that you got the mic. Cause that's a huge advantage. Like there are some environments like I have this Minecraft server and, and people will say awful things to me, like, what do you suck? And my jokes are lame.

So does your mom, but that's why I like her. Everyone goes wild. It's wrecked. It's crazy. I don't even have to be that funny. But because it's my home court, crush everybody. It's not even fair. At that Josh Bluco show, I saw one of the most bizarre

things I've ever seen in a comedy show. So get this. You've been to innumerable comedy shows. So maybe you've seen this before, maybe not. So the lights come on. We've all just sat down. And a guy comes out on stage and picks up a microphone and immediately he welcomes us to the the the club and he starts telling jokes just just just pretty quick rapid fire jokes he does like 90 seconds of comedy and then someone comes it is like hey what the fuck hey who is that and they run him out of there apparently he had just gotten on stage and started telling jokes it was not open mic night. He wasn't getting paid. They ran him out of there, and then the real guy was like, hi, guys.

And it wasn't a bit. He wasn't laughing, and the security was taking it seriously. He was like, welcome to the show, and sorry about that. Sorry about that. Was he any good? He got a laugh or two, yeah. Yeah, he wasn't bad. He was better than some of the actual comedians,

although he did 90 seconds, and when you got 90 seconds versus, you know, 10 or 15 minutes said, I guess you could be more. No, I just, yeah, the, I don't know if I want to say gumption or mental derangement to do that. Like, you know, to go, hi, thanks for coming out, everybody. He had so much confidence. You're not one of the, you don't belong to the club.

Like, you're not welcoming anybody. It would be like if you slid in at the hibachi and started chopping up shit and making that little onion thing, like the onion choo-choo train. What the fuck are you doing here? Like when they announced me, they announced the headliner to go. They say, welcome John Caparulo. And some other guy just starts walking on stage too.

And it's like, wait, wait, what are you doing? No, I'm him. I'm the guy they announced. Oh, well, I just thought I might sub in for you for a few minutes. No, I'm good. I wonder if you remember that guy's confidence, though. He came out there. And I remember thinking, like, when he opened up, I was like, oh, this guy's got the room already.

He's just, bam, and he's got it. And he really seemed like he belonged there. And then he was like, got to go. And, like, fucking literally ran. Maybe it wasn't his first night. Maybe he had done a bunch of open mic nights before i don't think he was a he was yeah he didn't sound stage guy but he was not supposed to be there that night it's easy to be confident in that situation though when you go in

knowing 100 of the time that you're going to get pulled off the stage two minutes in like if you got 90 seconds of subpar material you can just go out there and start spitting and every second you're on stage is gravy you know where it where it's like, I'm still here. All right, let's keep going. You know, I got 30 more seconds. I better pull me off sooner. This is going to go downhill quick. Yeah.

That's interesting. I didn't consider that. That is a good way because doing stand-up is one of the most terrifying things I can imagine doing. Tell me about the first time. The first time you stood up in front of a crowd. What was the – explain to me how you get over that fear and how you deal with that fear um you know I don't think you ever do get over it because I'm not I'm not over it now like if I if I have it if I ever said I don't have a show tonight but if I did you know I would be you know i get worked up you know i get uh you know uh it's not so much

it's not as much fear as it used to be it's it's more anxiousness but when i first did it i mean i say i always mark the official start of my comedy career in 97 um when i like the first time i went on stage and it basically it went well and I kept going. But I tried once in 94. I was really, I was only 19. And I don't really remember much about what material I did. I just remember there was some guy in the back of the audience who yelled, who cares?

And I still, to this day, think that guy's going to be there. Like, I still feel like that guy's going to yell, who cares? If I don't get a laugh in the next 10 seconds, that guy's going to yell, who cares? And I'm going to get booed offstage. So it's like it really makes me a lot more rapid fire with my jokes. I was looking for that motherfucker. He's in your head.

He still is. He is. He lives up here. Yeah, son of a bitch. I saw Bo Burnham do a thing, and he wasn't really crushing it. And he's like, oh, yeah, give me a hard time. I'm just a young guy trying to chase his dream. And it sounded like he stepped away from his bit for just a second and it was like oh he actually

is out there he's probably 18 at the time trying to chase his dream maybe go easy on him that guy was a dick john fuck him i really yeah i mean because who does it to somebody when it's like i think i made it pretty obvious not only was i i 19 but i was you know i looked pretty green up there and for you to just go you know what let's let's kick him while he's down and it wasn't madison square garden back the fuck off it was akron ohio so say tomato i said tomato it's where it's where i was dreaming of getting to, yeah. One day I'd be on in Akron, and I was, and then I left.

Are you out in L.A. now or New York? Yeah, yeah. I've lived in L.A. for 16, 15, 16 years. What is it about comedy, like stand-up in particular? I see people who have accomplished a lot in their professional career, right? Like a guy like Joe Rogan, right? That guy's worth tens of millions of dollars. He's done sitcoms.

He's done the UFC thing and whatever. Yet still, it seems like a huge part of his sense of self-worth is his stand-up. I think I could say the same thing about Chris Rock, the same thing about Seinfeld. These guys, they've done a lot, and they have more money than they could spend. Yet the approval or the rush of stand-up keeps pulling them in. Well, a guy like Joe in particular, like, you know, he's somebody like I remember, you know, like 10, 12 years ago, like he was on at the comedy store all the time. And so was I. It was like I wanted that dude's life. I mean, more drugs.

Well, because he had, you know, he was able to basically be so independently wealthy. And he was this immensely talented stand up comic. And he didn't have to compromise any of his stand-up on behalf of the money like he didn't have to work like his he basically fed himself and then eventually his family with other stuff that just kind of came along as a result as of the of him doing comedy but the reality is is we all started we were talking about with stand-up being something that always draws you back it's like for people like us i think you know you that's who you are i i'm a stand-up comic so i have to do it i mean it just it it's it's what i am it's what i always

thought i was going to be i'm not i didn't get into it so I could get into acting or something like that. I got into stand-up because I thought I was a stand-up comic. And I think that's what those guys are. It's like it doesn't matter how much money they make. They still want to challenge themselves to see if they can still do it. Is it the adrenaline that's kind of addicting? I was going to ask. It's all pumping.

You want to call it that you just feel great yeah is it an unhealthy obsession with audience approval would you call it that instead um i would say every obsession is unhealthy but um i i don't think it no i i think you start out early on you know know, wanting, you know, everybody to like you and you want to be famous and all that stuff. And that goes away because you really have to care about the art itself to last very long. And for me, it's like I used to play basketball a lot. Like, obviously, you know, like, yeah. I mean, if you look at me like that guy, that guy can hoop. I thought you were LeBron at first. Yeah, I mean, if you look at me, you're like, that guy can hoop. I thought you were LeBron at first.

Oh, yeah. You know I'm dunking on a lot of people. I, uh... But that's even... Mind you, I was in shape at this time when I played ball, but I used to play basketball, like pick-up games and stuff like that.

I'd go to like whatever the playground court wherever it was either in college or in high school and you know I just had this sort of drive to I wanted to be really good but I wasn't

and you know I'd always have to have like tall guys with me so that you know somebody would go, hey, I got next game, and they'd ask my friend Timmy to run with them, and he'd be like, hey, do you have room for two? And they'd just look at me like. You're Timmy's and one at the wedding. You're a plus one.

You're really good, Timmy. You better be really good, Timmy. For me, what comedy became was like a playground for me. It was like the basketball court, except I could play. I could do all the things that I was lacking at a playground or whatever. I couldn't jump. I'd always dribble off my foot. That doesn't happen when I'm doing stand-up.

I actually don't need Timmy. So I get to be Timmy, I guess, to a certain extent. So I get to, you know, what's up? Have you ever had a truly just awful experience up there where probably early where it was just like oh my god i can't do this anymore like it's just you were so demoralized and like booing or people hazing you up there um you know i i stuff like that happens even well even now like it's not so much boo i don't get i don't think i ever got booed off stage other than the guy selling saying who cares i don't think i ever got any real you know angry heckles but um i i've had you know because i care about it so much i i tend to i i really

criticize it a lot more than you know you would you would, like, I would say that the audience, like, if comedy is sex, the audience is the, is the dude, you know, it's like, it's easier for them to get off, whereas for me, it's like, you know, you have to, you have to hit a certain spot for me, and it's like, I have to come up with something new, or I have to, you know, I just have to really, it has to be a special moment for me to really love the show. So, yeah, it's tough. I generally, you know, I'm pretty dissatisfied with myself when I go on those. Do you go on those long, depressing road trips going from city to city or do you fly? Yeah, I fly.

I mean, I always come back home in between them. But, yeah, I mean, right now, like, that's been the past, I guess, five years of my career has been the road, which is, you know, it's a necessary sort of experience for a comedian to go out on the road and be a headliner and meet your fan base and make a fan base. But it's not what I got in it for, really. So, I mean, I'm hoping to sort of elevate from this stage at some point. Do you throw out all your jokes at a period of time or do they happen in phases? Let's pretend you've got an hour worth of material.

Do you ditch ten minutes and bring ten in until over the course of three years it's all new or do you say, alright, it's trash day? Usually for me it's like it happens as a gradual, it's like a weaving thing. But I do, like when I did my first hour-long special, my first hour-long special was basically the first 12 or 13 years of my career.

Yeah, 12. Was that called Meet John? Meet Cap, yeah. And I basically, I think I ripped the title off of Meet Bob. It was Bobcat Goldthwait did an album that I had when I was a kid. But I do a special and then I would throw, I basically want to start phasing out all of that material because I knew people would start seeing the special, you know, in, and it would get more familiar, which people want you to do a lot of familiar stuff,

but I don't like to. I don't like for the audience to know what's coming. So I phase it out. I use some old stuff and some new stuff and then gradually weave my way to all new stuff and then do another special. Right now it's different. I'm trying to do something different than the typical hour special thing

because I think that's getting old. Are you back home now? Are you on tour soon? I'm home this week, and then next week I think I go to Lexington or something, somewhere. I don't know. I have to buy a plane ticket to somewhere. And then I think, yeah, there's Tempe or something like that after that. Do you ever contemplate a normal job?

It's not even possible. I couldn't imagine if just stand-up comedy went away and I actually had to be somewhere at a certain time. I'm late for my shows. That's the first place I have to be. It's ridiculous. What's the backup plan? Let's say one day you go, who's the Seinfeld guy who blasts through the door?

Someone help me. I'm terrible with names. Michael Richards. Michael Richards. Someday you go Michael Richards, and it makes the phone stop ringing for three years. What now? I won't go Michael Richards.

On a lot of levels. He told you the same thing back in the day when he was getting that Seinfeld money, but look at him now. He told you the same thing back in the day when he was getting that Seinfeld money, but look at him now. He was an actor. He was just a shitty comic who was just trying to do stuff like tries to be whatever, subversive or whatever, tries to deal with a heckler and can't. And they say something.

Because if you make a racist joke and it's not funny, it's just racist. And it's the same thing with anything else, whether it's sexist or dirty or whatever. And it's like, he was overmatched but the problem was was the you know everybody has started was starting to have cameras in their pockets and so you know it got broadcast across you know the world his problem is that he doubled down at every turn on that like he was dropping a hard n with a hard r at the end and he didn't just

cut that loss and move on he was like you know what maybe if i stay on rapid fire more times i can get him back and and it didn't work that happened in the youtube world there was a guy and he actually came on this show to explain himself he uh he he dropped the n-bomb with the with the hard r right the? The hardest of R's. And he was like, you're a der. Because that guy's an effing er. And he later explained, he's like, look, I was trying to hurt that guy's feelings. He's like, I'm not racist.

I've got this Asian friend over here, this black friend over here. We play games every night together. It was just the only thing in his head. got this Asian friend over here, this black friend over here. We play games every night together. It was just the only thing in his head. He played games every night. And you can't just collect friends like Pokemon cards and get out of jail free things. No, no, no, look, look, look. I got a poster of Michael Jordan in my apartment.

Like, I wouldn't have him up there. Apparently his regular Halo buddies were of all different, you know, creeds and his creed. I don't even know what creed means, to be honest. The guy's saying basically, like, I really didn't have a problem. know to creeds and his creed i don't even know what creed means the guys like saying the guys say it saying basically like i really didn't have a problem i don't have a problem with the guys race it was just i needed to defend myself it was the meanest thing i could think of right if he was bald i would have called him a balder you know and you know i'm going with You push a lot of people to the wall.

Awful things come out. And I just think that, I mean, in the case of somebody like Michael Richards, it was like, I never understood why there's a certain few guys out there who, like, they become famous and then try to get good at stand-up comedy. And that's the most ass backwards thing you could ever possibly do it's like you can't be you know because you're gonna go through awful situations like that whether it's you know that racist tirade he went on or somebody yelling who cares um and you know the difference between me and him when I was getting yelled, who cares?

I wasn't Kramer from Seinfeld. So nobody gave a shit that I sucked. You know, nobody gave a shit that I failed. But when you are that guy, it's going to become a thing. They were being really mean, too. They're like, you haven't done anything funny since Seinfeld. Fuck you, Kramer. You know, they were being mean.

Honest, really. Not really mean. They were being honest, really. Not really mean. They were being honest about it. I forgive him. Who else has tried to do that trend that you're thinking of? I know Michael Richards, famous, becomes stand-up. There has to be somebody else you're thinking of. I can't pull any off the top of my head. Well, you know what?

Let's see. Like, John Lovitz has done pretty well. I mean, I've heard, you know, from what I've seen and what I've heard, he's a really nice guy, so I would never put down anything he did. But when I started seeing his name up at the Laugh Factory and stuff, and I'm like, you're already famous, dude. You're already a regular on The Simpsons. You're already Saturday Night Live famous.

He was rich enough to buy his own comedy club. You're already a regular on The Simpsons. You're already Saturday Night Live famous. He was rich enough to buy his own comedy club. Well, why won't you let him in the club? It sounds like you're saying, you know what, dude? Door's closed for you because you're already famous. In my head. I just couldn't imagine doing it in that way. If Britney Spears wants to get into stand-up comedy like

that's an itch she wants to scratch then i'm like oh we'll see if you're funny you know like but you're not you can say that's your reason but nobody's actually like well maybe she's got a bunch of gems up here like really you're just like let's put britney spears up there if you if you if i if just if just so and so says they want to become a comedian and they decide to go to an open mic, there's not going to be a line out the door waiting to see if they're any good or not. If you have that much attention on you and the lights are that bright,

you don't have room to fail. And you need room to fail as a stand-up comic. You need room to fail in front of people, in front of strangers repeatedly. And, you know, it's not like music where you can just try it out in the studio. It's like you have to go in front of people and do it. And it's like if you become a name and a face

before you go out and get into that process, man, it just like almost impossible you don't get to fail they're giving you too much love to begin with you know like you know that you'll get like a a big ovation to start like oh my god we get to see britney spears yay you know and it's like oh she's she's terrible well that's what I let down. And it becomes too big of a deal too early on. I remember when I, because I said I did my first stand-up like I did in 94.

I went, it was right after my sister's wedding. And my mom told everybody at the wedding, like, you know, like basically I was going to be a celebrity like the next month or whatever. You know, it was like, yeah, I'm on my way to show business and when i when i sucked when i didn't do well it was a big letdown so

i didn't try it for a while again because it was such a it felt like it was too big of a deal and too many people knew about it you know my family my friends so when i went and did it again in 97 i only told uh timmy good old timmy again but i like that i just told my best friend just in case you know anything happened to me one person knew where i was and and and uh i i just i didn't tell anybody else and i and i did really well because there was no pressure on me. And I kept it that way for a little while. Is Timmy his real name? Yeah.

Well, Tim, but I call him Timmy because that's what the high school coaches used to call him and shit, so I like to fuck with him. So a lot of people, a lot of comedians at least, it seems in the last few years get really, I guess, in hot water for saying stuff that people perceive as offensive have you ever gotten in one of those kind of like embroiled in something like that or someone was like oh john caparulo is racist or sexist or some ism or anything like that i don't think so but um my uh my wife basically monitors my social media because i i got my i got myself like

yeah i got myself twisted up because i'm too sensitive and the shit people say online it just those trolls bother me so it's just like i'd it plus i didn't get into comedy to type but uh i i just like got myself i got into a, like an ordeal once with, you know, some guy sent me some shitty MySpace message. And I ended up getting into like this, this, this like feud with him. And, you know, he ended up posting some like awful, ridiculous, like blog spot page about me. And I ended up having to – I spent like $25,000 in attorneys just to get it taken down. So it's best that I just don't read. Wow.

Because if I get a thousand compliments and one shitty thing, it's like I'm going to – Can you tell me what the gist of that was? Was it family-based, religion-based, race-based? The dude basically was like, he was just basically like, he just, it was right after my first meet cap had come out, I think, on Comedy Central. And he sent me a message on there saying, you know, some friends told me that I should watch your stand-up, and I got to tell you, you really need to do something else.

I mean, I have an hour special on Comedy Central. I'm doing okay, I think. And he's like, no, I should find another line of work. And, you know, it was like 4 in the morning. I remember trying to call one of my friends. Nobody was up. And I'm just seething over it. I'm like, you know what?

Fuck you. So I started messaging him back, and I'm like, you know what? Fuck you. So I started messaging him back and I'm like, you know what? You're right. I always wanted to be some punk ass loser throwing shit at people from behind a keyboard in his mom's basement, but I guess that's not going to work out

for me, so why don't you tell me how it goes? Then I proceeded to tell him he should kill himself or something i don't know but it was uh it was pretty slow escalation it got yeah i got nasty that was the first exchange like this went on for a while but i'm sure it got worse and worse and worse the thing is he came back at me and then i tried to go back at him and he had blocked me and i was like oh bullshit so i i got uh i i i told all my like myspace friends to message this guy and they mandated him with like just all this shit so like

then i didn't realize like i had started an internet war and you know i had more to lose because you know if i if i say bad things about this guy, it's like nobody's going to care. But there are more people who know me, I guess, at that point. So it's like he but he put he put up like a page up that like I said, you know, that when I lived in Ohio, I was a pedophile and a white supremacist as if pedophiles not enough you know like like like somebody's gonna go well he's a he's he's a pedophile but at least he's not a racist wait a minute only fuck the white children okay no minorities among the victims john man i've been called a pedophile so often i just run with with it now. I don't even disagree. Every time Jared comes up,

I defend him. No one stands up for pedo rights but me. It's not a good quote, so don't emulate that. Nobody's on your side. I own it now. You're winning the war. I own it. You can't hurt me with the pedo jokes anymore.

You should run for office with that mantra. I've been called a pedophile so many times. But it bothered me. I was like, man, I can't believe something. Like, you know, my mom might see this or whatever. I can't believe somebody would just put this on the Internet about me and get away with it. Like, I was like, you know, can we just call the cops?

They can go. I know who did it just go and it took a while it was uh it wasn't until like i think i was losing money that my agent insisted on i earned a lawyer so yeah one thing that i was slow to realize when you get into a back and forth with somebody is that fans can turn on you even though you're probably right like you know like a fan says hey you're awful and you're a big stinker and poopoo head and you come back and say fuck you right then like people will not just say yeah fuck that guy oftentimes they'll say look at how he treats his fans they They'll feel like I said fuck you to all the readers when it's like, no, no, no. This guy, this guy started it with me

and I'm not allowed to reply and now I realize those are the rules of having an audience. It's like you can trace it back. Watch the message. Look and see the paper trail or whatever. He started it and it's like calling me a poo-poo head. And people don't, it's like with calling me a poo-poo head and um and people don't it's it's a really it's a losing battle that's what i mean where i just like i got to the point where i just i i was

so lucky to find my wife when i did because with with uh you know with social media she loves being on there sitting with a phone in front of her face all day, and I can't do it. So she does all that for me, and I say thank you. There's someone out there for everyone, even a racist pedo. Yeah. I mean, if the last big thing you had to deal with was on MySpace, I guess it's like you've been doing really well for the last decade. But see, that's what I know of.

You know what I mean? It's like I've never been on Facebook except to play video games and stuff. Because you have to have an account. So I have a dummy account that I use for stuff like that. But I've never actually gotten on Facebook and said, Hey, let me look up my high school mates I don't wanna you've never looked up your high school mates?

I have a couple high school friends who I'm still close to and I still talk to them but everybody else there's a reason why I left Ohio it didn't go well but don't you want to look at them and secretly think about

you know how your life is better than theirs i'm looking at you with the look at that casting couch you're sitting on you start out that way you start out going man everybody whoever slighted me they're gonna they're gonna they're gonna see me on tv and they're gonna go oh man i should have treated him better and um that goes away pretty quick because you gotta you just you just gotta care about what you're doing and then by the time you get to the point where they would see you on tv you don't give a shit about them anymore so yeah you don't want to go back to the reunions just to just kind of like slide it in like yeah you know i'm doing comedy maybe do you have netflix like i'm on there i got a couple things

on there like peter griffin go back with a cowboy hat and a helmet yeah yeah it's no no no i don't i don't go to reunions that i don't want because they always ask me to like perform and shit and i was like it's not happening so no so you don't go back toions. Because they always ask me to perform and shit, and I was like, it's not happening. So, no. So you don't go back to Ohio very often at all then? I see my family, and I perform in Cleveland and Columbus and Cincinnati, but I don't go. My parents still live in my hometown, East Liverpool, Ohio.

and my hometown, East Liverpool, Ohio. But the people who I want to have relationships with still there, I keep in contact with. Reunions, I don't need a reunion. We don't need to hang out and have drinks now. Taylor, have your high school had a reunion yet uh shit I think I missed the five year one so I'll just have to miss the ten year one as well

see I went to the ten year one and I think that's the only one that's happened we had a five year one and nobody fucking showed up so the chick who's it's like the valedictorian I think she's the one or whichever is the one who's, it's like the valedictorian, I think she's the one or whichever, is the

one who arranges the reunion. And because none of us showed up. How big's your hometown? Not that big. I think I graduated with like a thousand people or something like that maybe. But she, since no one showed up to the five year reunion,

she just didn't do a ten year reunion. There just wasn't one. And I didn't mind a bit. I was so glad there wasn't one. I wasn't going anyway, but I might have gotten shamed because I didn't go. My hometown, actually, they did come up with it. I did go to a couple of, they have what's called an all-class reunion, like in the downtown area of my hometown, called an all-class reunion like in the downtown area of my hometown um you know because it's one of those like rust belt towns that's you know it's seen better days and uh they they basically

like have everybody who ever graduated from the high school invited back to the reunion they're having another one again that i'm not going to in a year or so. I remember I went to one in 2004, I think. I wasn't going to show off. Next year would be our 25-year reunion.

I'm curious about a bunch of those dudes. I don't know. You just don't want to go to see how many people you're better than who got fat you should go and I got better than everybody else I think you win that's a victory right there you're better fed than those fucks I got that trophy too yeah a yeah got a lot of cartoon references but uh i really want to go to days back in the olden days a large you know a heavy guy was a sign that you had money that was an attractive things men would actually stuff their shirts so they would appear they had a belly

so that ladies would think they had enough money to be fat so you never know it could come full circle it could come back around again i don't want to go to see the people. Wouldn't it be like the Sistine Chapel had some, I mean, it's portly bitches on there, doesn't it? I mean, it's different. We had a different concept of attractiveness through the years, if anybody's interested in history. It's not just the people that you didn't like that I want to see.

It's the people that you didn't like that I want to see. It's the people that I did. I have people that I consider my friends from high school that I don't talk to that I haven't talked to in years. I'd love to see them. There's nobody, literally nobody there that I want. I care to see. I really don't want to see any of them for any reason really.

Every now and then I run into one of them and I'm just like hey, yeah we spent four years in the same building one time. That was cool, huh? Right, right. Yeah, it doesn't mean you're automatically going to be. Yeah, remember we sat near each other for a long time. Yeah, right, yeah.

Good times. Yeah, our last names both begin with C, so. We were tight. And I see their kids and stuff and like I I don't have any kids I'm not I'm not married or anything I tried I that kind of lifestyle doesn't really feel to me right sure sure but but but but when I see like my classmates with like their second and third kid and he's, oh, yeah, she got kicked out of preschool. She's been biting the other kids.

And I'm just thinking, I'm so glad I don't have your fucking problems. I'm so glad that my child biting another child and being kicked out of a preschool is not one of the many things that I have to deal with on a daily basis. Yeah, we just had our first, and I'm hoping only, I think I'm going to go have my tubes tied. But, yeah, we have a six-month-old.

I think you saw her before the show started. Yeah, so it's not something that I ever thought that I'd be doing. You know, there's like a 1% chance of impotence with that little procedure. They don't advertise that too much. Hey, since you're a new dad, I heard a dad joke today. Oh, Jesus. What did the fish say when he ran into a wall? What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?

I don't know. Damn. Oh, God damn it. why didn't i know that they're not funny and they're aggravating because and then when you hear it you're like well fuck now i sound i feel like a retard yeah now i feel dumb yeah i know it's like It's like I didn't laugh, and I feel stupid. I laughed. It was for me. So is having a kid just rough so far?

Isn't it like the first six, nine months that it's just hell? I don't know. I'm not going to have kids. You know, it's been great, really, for me. My wife sleeps in the room with her. She's breastfeeding. So, you know, I take on what I can. You know, my wife's family came out a few times to help out and stuff.

But, you know, it's really all come down on Jamie, on my wife, as far as you know the sleeplessness and all that shit did you know plus she has to deal with me um which is fun um but she she's taken on I've just gotten to you know I have fun and says she starts to cry and then it's like, you know, here. Yeah, John. She eats your poop. You were totally doing it right. They'd be like, oh, your kid's four months old. You must be exhausted.

And I'm like, huh. Jackie seems to be, you know, really tired. Yeah, what do I need to get up for? It is rough. I had to watch her by myself just 11 days ago. It was awful. Well, that's what I do. I stay up all night anyway i'm at night out so like at night if i hear her cry or something like that you know i'll go in if she needs changed or

you know and then just put back in bed i'll i usually go do it because i'm up anyway um and then my wife usually is getting up like almost right after i went to bed. So it's almost like, you know, we handle each other's sleep schedule pretty well, you know. What kind of dog do you have? I see an enormous dog in that photo behind you. Is that your enormous dog? Oh, that's a basset hound. He just likes to take a lot of fucking room on the bed. He likes to spread out.

Even his ears. His ears. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Barney, and then the other one's Scobie, and then the kid's Madden. So, yes, after the game. Yeah, we're one happy, stupid-looking family. Wait, your daughter's name is Madden?

Madden, yes. Madden J. Creative. And it is after the game, I'm sure. You strike me as a football fan. You just look like one. I do watch a game or two, yes. Do you still pull for Cleveland?

I do watch a game or two, yes. Do you still pull for Cleveland? I do not. I grew up a Browns fan, and I really – I walked away from the Browns in about – in 93, actually, when they – ironically enough, it was when Bernie Kosar got cut by Bill Belichick. And it's funny because Bill Belichick – I love the Patriots now. Bill Belichick. And it's funny because Bill Belichick, I love the Patriots now. And it's, you know, he's the guy who really jilted me as a young football fan. But, you know, after the Browns debacle, basically, when they moved away, it really kind of sealed it for me where it was like i can just sort of i like the

game so i can just take my pick and i just follow my favorite players and coaches you know so it's like it's same thing with basketball like i like jordan and the bulls during the 90s it's like you know i i just like it's like liking a good band you You know, I like watching them play and seeing their story play out, and then when those players move on, I'll find some new players to watch. Being a fan of a team makes no sense at all. Such a fair-weather fan. No, it makes so much more sense. His way makes so much more sense.

He's like, I kind of like Jordan and the Bulls, and now I'm a big fan of the Patriots. And you know what? I liked Miami Heat a couple years ago. But I'm done with them now. I didn't like Miami Heat. I didn't like anybody comparing LeBron to Michael Jordan. Because I'm an old crank.

Very different player. See, if I look at it, if I say the New England Patriots winning somehow lifts me up, you know, and I say the New England Patriots winning somehow lifts me up, and I go and it goes, ah, look everybody, yeah, Patriots, in your face, I'm going to dent your car. Then I'm a Fairweather fan. I'm just a guy who, I'm a football aficionado. It's like if you like, when you – I'm sure if you name your favorite two or three bands in music, whether it's like the Beatles or the Rolling Stones, it's like nobody accuses you of going, oh, well, you only like good bands.

Yeah. Beatles or Rolling Stones? How old do I look? You know what I'm saying? Okay. You know, the Boston Pops. Okay, so maybe I'm old. I don't know.

I'm just saying it's, you know, but I'm saying, like, as a music listener, you typically like good bands. And as a football watcher, I like NFL history. I love all the NFL films and stuff like that. And I love watching the whole drama play out. And teams like the Browns, who have spent now the past 15 years back in the NFL, 16 years, and just haven't done shit. They're just like, you're wasting your time watching that game because you're not watching really where the...

The drama unfolds. Yeah, the drama is in Foxborough right now. It just is. So it's like, that's where you tune in. Let me ask you a question. Michael Vick, is he the most exciting player ever to watch on the field? Who's better? Who's better to watch go crazy?

Barry Sanders. Barry Sanders. Really? Barry Sanders, Randy Moss, Gale Sayers. Every time Barry Sanders touched the ball, it might be a touchdown. Every single time. I watched that guy. Nobody's faster than Vick. I don't know if he's faster or not.

He was tremendous for a minute. For a minute, you're right about that. I watched him break 11 tackles on a play. Every single player on the opposing team got his hands on Barry Sanders. I'm going to find a Michael Vick video for you. I'll find him. I remember they played the Rams

in the NFC Championship. Find one and see if you can do better than me. There's no way that that can last. Because Michael Vick was, you know, I mean, he actually got to heal up for a few years by going to prison. Unfair advantage, guys. Because you can't really, you know, I always say, having your quarterback run the ball is like, it's like pounding nails with your laptop.

Like, you don't put him out there to get beat all the time. And a guy like him, who's really dazzling with all of his athletic ability, he's still going to be hurt most of the time and it's kind of a waste to put you know that much sort of uh you know brain trust in a guy who's gonna get hit all the time so you know i i he's he was definitely he's one of the best athletes yeah to ever you know play in the nfl i think he was benching like 500 pounds or something like that. Just an outrageously, freakishly strong dude. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, what's with Newport News?

I mean, really, like the way they produce athletes. I mean, between him. His brother. Iverson. And then his brother, yeah, was starter for Virginia Tech. His cousin, Aaron Brooks, who was starter for the Saints. And then somebody else recently, the guy who's Tyrod Taylor for the Bills, Newport News.

I couldn't imagine playing a pickup game there. Just get rocked all the time. So are you pretty much all football and basketball, or do you watch any other sports? I'm pretty much just been NFL for a while. The NBA, after Jordan left from the Bulls, that's when I moved out to L.A., and my Timmy moved with me.

He's a big basketball fan, so it kind of kept me tuned in to, like, the Lakers because that's where Phil Jackson went to. And so I kind of followed their three-peat. And then I just kind of thought, all right, well, I like, you know, Kobe kind of borrowed Jordan's game a little bit, so he's kind of entertaining to watch. So I would just say, well, I guess I'm a Lakers fan. But I wasn't, I just, I didn't watch them.

It wasn't like a religion like the Bulls. You know, that was WGN, like 40 nights a year. So, yeah. I'm trying to find a decent quality video of Mike Vick. WGN like 40 nights a year. I'm trying to find a decent quality video of Mike Vick. They're all so gringy. I would say the overtime against at Minnesota

would have been 2001 or 2002. I found a Barry Sanders run where he breaks 8 tackles but I've seen one on ESPN where literally every single player on the other team got their hands on him and he still scored a touchdown. How does that even happen? How do they all find their way to?

The thing about Barry is he often ran east-west, and he would, like, come right up against you and then, like, juke it. The guys that run north-south and tend to break it open are a little different. He would just – he'd be in trouble all the time. He lost yards more often than I think other great backs. Yeah, he did lose a lot. But he'd still have a ton of yards for the game and for the season. But if you needed five, you might get ten.

You might lose two. They both happen. He always sort of – I don't want to say took a risk because he wasn't a big fumbler, but he was amazing to watch. Every play was anything could happen. And Deion Sanders was just tremendous. I mean, the guy on offense and defense, whether it's running back kicks or he was, you know, the way he invented the term shut down corner,

like a guy who was just that sort of charismatic. Yeah, you just weren't going to throw over there. Don't do it. And, you know, that's really – and especially with the way the defensive rules have evolved, you know, even during his time, you couldn't really check receivers the way you could like when like Night Train Lane or somebody like that played i mean it's it was a lot more you know the five yard rule after you know you can't touch them and stuff like that it was every so you know you have to be just an athlete every so often football gets an amazing

athlete and to kyle's credit michael vick is one of them randall cunningham was one i remember randall cunningham would do um he'd do do the kickoffs, right? They were just like, ah, fuck it. Let's let the quarterback give it a go. He got like a 90. He did a few punts. Maybe it was a punt. Maybe I'm mixing up the punt with the kickoff.

But I remember he kicked it like 98 yards one time. And to his credit, it rolled a lot. But I – Yeah, I – Like why would you let your quarterback punt you're just fucking around you have elway did elway did that a few times but don't they have a punter for that like what's the advantage they should trying to do is they're trying to make sure that the defense doesn't put it they don't want to put in them to put in their punt team to have a return so basically it's like they're letting them line up on defense, expecting a shotgun play

that they're going for it on fourth down. And then if they have a quarterback who's a decent enough athlete, he can do what's called a pooch punt, which they just try to basically get one inside the five or whatever to pin them down in. Brady did one like that, actually, back in 2003. I should have known that. That's a good... Yeah, now pin him down in. Brady did one like that actually back in – I should have known that. That's a good – yeah, now it makes perfect sense. If you've got your quarterback there as a throw threat,

then, you know, you don't get to put your best return. Yeah, I'm not a giant football fan, but I've garnered that John has us all handily beat in this football knowledge. Where it's – Woody will be like, yeah, that time that guy punted. And John's like, oh, that would be fall of ball three. John's like, that would be the fall of both three. That wasn't a kickoff, Woody. That was a punt. I'm not great at, like, today's sports news,

but I'm great at sports history, and especially the NFL. I just know I'm pretty good. I have it kind of locked down. And just like everybody else we ever have on the show, I guarantee you're not a hockey fan, right? So there's going to be no conversation there. Of course. Of fucking course. I'm pretty good. I have it kind of locked down. And just like everybody else we ever have on the show, I guarantee you're not a hockey fan, right? So there's going to be no conversation there. Of course. Of fucking course. We need to find someone.

Someone I can talk to about sports. It seems just so frustrating to watch. I mean, because I don't like to watch soccer because I'm like, somebody pick the ball up, please. Use your hands. you have hands just use them but I mean hockey is like that plus it's slippery you know it's like I just uh I just can't it seems so difficult to the point of and plus I don't get the rules I don't get the icing and all that stuff I don't I don't. Something about hockey just seems unnatural because of the ice

and the fact you're wearing the blades on your feet. I don't know. Kicking a ball around a field seems like something that could just spontaneously happen around here. We could all just start kicking a thing that's ball-like. I feel like I could sort of get – But never would we just, like, happen to fall on some ice skates, get a bunch of sticks, some pucks, some nets, everybody get in their gear and just get on a frozen lake.

It makes sense how soccer and rugby just evolved into a thing, right? Like, all right, there's a ball. I run at this. You sort of try to stop me physically, and rugby evolves into a sport. Soccer, same thing, but without the contact. Even basketball. Rugby evolves. Doesn't rugby – does American football evolve from rugby?

I mean, because they're similar in a lot of – the uprights and the kicking and, you know, they just don't have a scrum. You can kind of imagine how a lot of sports, you know, turn into what they are. But hockey is just like – Well, it's the curve of becoming a sport. Like with soccer, it's like here's the ball. How about we just kick them into these square things

on the side of the field? That's already a sport. Rugby, you got it. Like, it seems like there were a lot of trial and error for those Canadians up there who were like, we can't even stand on this, eh? Like, what are we supposed to do? Why don't we try putting blades on our feet, eh?

See if that works it out. How many Canadians die trying to find a sport that they would be good at? Yeah. That is funny to think. Who's that Canadian, though? They were just tired of curling. They wanted something they could show off

and be good at. Well, hear me out. If we put some razors on our feet, maybe this will go a bit smoother. Are you fucking crazy? Your last 15 ideas have involved blades on my feet. I'm bored already. No, it should be real low scoring.

But see, I like watching anything like, you know, like if I watch like a Wayne Gretzky documentary or something like that, like anything that's – I love the sort of – the whole drama of sport. And I love watching something about that. I just – I won't watch the games themselves like as far themselves. The only one I can watch a game is football now. One of the things I like about Wayne Gretzky is this. So many child celebrities, stars, everything peter out. It ruins them, right?

Wayne Gretzky was packing arenas to watch him at like 12. packing arenas to watch him at like 12, right? This guy, people were like Canadians loved him from the time he was a kid. He has been famous in his circle since he was little. And he's a little guy too. Yeah, tons of pressure on him at like 17. I think at 18 he entered the NHL. It might have been 19. It's something super young like that.

And he's still kicked ass. He's 21 and he's like the best player the planet's ever seen yeah oh by an order go ahead oh no yeah you go ahead no i was just gonna say it's funny that he he came out like that too because i mean normally you know like when you look at like somebody like lebron And normally, you know, like when you look at somebody like LeBron, LeBron, you know, I always thought, I couldn't imagine what it was like for him. Because it was like right around the same time the movie He Got Game came out, he basically was living that story. kid to um to have all of that attention and and praise that early on like for you to still end up any good is amazing because like we normally guys who have a chip on their shoulder from getting sort of the the short end of the stick like jordan jordan was know, the whole cut as a sophomore from the high school team. And, you know, he just wasn't looked at as like a big recruit coming out of high school still. He had a chip on his shoulder and then still managed to carry that into the NBA with him.

And, you know, Larry Bird, same way. Or, you know, Tom Brady, same way, or Tom Brady, same way. Guys like that who are sort of pissed off about the credit they're getting early on use it to fuel their fire. And guys like Gretzky, you just praise from day one, and he still ends up being this virtuoso. That's amazing. I have a little bit of

bitterness towards wayne gretzky i'm a huge hockey fan but he dominated with the oilers great with the kings and then comes to st louis for like the tiniest bit of time immediately we slapped the captain on his chest and then he just is like you know what i'm not feeling it you know i'm not i'm gonna piss on out of here. Fuck you guys. And it's like, ah, he's so great, but I wish he wanted something for us. I knew that he played for the Kings. If you just follow players and not one team, it wouldn't bother you.

I knew that he played for the Oilers. I knew that he played for the Kings. I knew that he played for the Rangers. No idea he was ever a Blue. Yeah. Yeah, he was. Very uneventful. Like, first day in in practice they're like

oh you're the captain now and he's like all right like already checking his i guess the phone wasn't around then but that's yeah it's uh that's why people get mad at michael jordan about the washington wizards and it's like dude it's michael jordan you know get over it i i just i remember watching those games with him when the what maybe three of them i remember watching the wizards he wasn't that bad he could still get up and down the court a little like like i mean he put up 50 he still did he was he was you know one of the top 15 players in the league on the wizards i mean but no people acted like he's terrible but no, he belonged in the league

and he was an above-average player. Yeah, yeah. But he wasn't. It's a shame he didn't finish out with the Bulls, really. He should have just stayed on the Bulls. And never played fucking baseball? No, I mean. Baseball.

He needed to go play baseball, but I think the time, like, when they didn't, the Bulls didn't re-sign Phil Jackson and Scotty Pippen at the end of the 98 season, and that's why he didn't return. That's why he retired. Now, according to Space Jam, it was – if I remember correctly. I'm sorry. Your source is Space Jam.

My bad. Well, I thought I had good information, but you had a Bugs Bunny movie. I am an exciting space journey, yes. It is a great movie. I have it on DVD, of course, yeah. Blu-ray for me. Kyle, you spent 15, 16 hours today in the car to no avail. So you came on right before the show.

You got on, and you sat down. This was before John was on the call. But you looked livid. I didn't think you were going to be talking this whole show. Before he starts, I want to make a guess. It didn't fit. No. Okay.

So I had to drive all the way to Kentucky today to pick up something. I don't want to say exactly what I was picking up because it's kind of a surprise for later on. But I was picking up something that weighs about 2,500 pounds. And silly me, I thought that would be fine in the bed of my truck. It's a 1,500 though. It's rated for like 1,500 pounds, like 1,000 pounds, something like that. And this is 2,500 pounds. And so I see the thing for the first time and I'm like, oh shit! That's a lot bigger than I thought it was going to be.

But they've got a crane, like one of those overhead crane things inside their building. And so they're able to hoist the thing up to truck level and lower it down onto my bed. And I'm just standing there watching the leaf springs go from like this to this like like they completely bottom out like and everybody there is like dude you can't leave like like don't do it don't do it he's like yeah

if the tire explodes you're gonna lose you're gonna completely lose control with this much weight on the back. He's like, the DOT will stop you if they see you. They're out because it's a holiday weekend. And I'm just like, I drove seven hours. All right, well, let me go see if I can find a trailer. Sorry to interrupt. Why did you drive and not have it delivered, whatever this is? I wanted it quickly.

I wanted it because I wanted it more quickly than they were going to be able to deliver it. It this is. I wanted it quickly. I wanted it because I wanted it more quickly than they were going to be able to deliver it. It was important that I got it quickly. It still is. But in any case, I was like, well, I went to the U-Haul place. That guy was a buffoon, the guy that ran it. He didn't know the difference between the net weight and the gross weight. I was like, and finally I went, I went,

sir, you add those two numbers together and they equal that number. This is not going to help us. I'm going home now. It was just frustrating the fuck out of me trying to figure out how much this trailer could carry. And it literally says it right there. But anyway, I drove seven hours to Kentucky, realized I had to just go fucking home. And then I did. So I spent about 15 hours in my truck today driving nonstop. Got up at 4.45 a.m. this morning. Been nonstop

going. I ate breakfast, but I haven't had a meal since. And I got here like an hour and a half late. So now we're doing the show. And I will have it delivered now. Since I went up there and ruined my day, they were like, we'll get it shipped to you. We'll give you a rate on it too. And I was like, well, good, good. Because I'm just so curious. The whole drive home, I'm just... But didn't you know that it weighed 2,500 pounds

and that the number on the side of your truck was less than 2,500? I did know that. I did. But I talked to two or three people, and everybody was like, well, yeah, it's not rated for that, but it can take it. It can take it. Everybody said it could take it. But when I saw this Leaf Springs bottom out,

and the guy's like, well, you got P-rated tires here. And I'm like, I need Wings of Redemption here to tell me about these fucking, I don't know what P-rated tires here. And I'm like, I need wings of redemption here to tell me about these fucking – I don't know what P-rated tires means. But they made sense to me. They convinced me that if I left, it was almost certainly death. You need D- or E-rated tires. P is passenger tire. You're driving some girly tires on that truck, bitch.

Next time you get tires, D or E. You don't see me with P-rated tires. Next time you have something that's 2,500 pounds, get it delivered. Get it shipped. Oh, UPS or whatever, man. Have them. What did you get that was 2,500 pounds? I can't really say, but I got something real big. Something real big.

A girl? Yeah. Two girls. I got something real big. A whale or something? Yeah. You're importing fucking orcas or some shit it was and it wasn't cheap either so i'd already paid for it that was the other part of it the guy was like he was he's like i don't feel comfortable i don't know if i feel comfortable putting this on your truck and i was like i called and they said it'd be okay he's

like well you didn't talk to me i'm'm just like, I just paid $6,000 for this thing and drove seven hours. I'm taking it home. And then they lowered it on the truck, and I realized it. Was it a horse? How did you go to Kentucky for 2,500 pounds? That's still. Well, he's starting a petting zoo. And, you know, there's a lot of people who need to get that done.

It's a buffalo. Now it makes sense. Now it makes sense now it makes next week so what was the the dynamic in the car like with you sitting there sternly and your girlfriend uncomfortable in the seat next to you for 15 hours when you didn't even get what you needed it was pretty too i i just played the radio i listened to the stern show the whole way. And he was interviewing Denise Richards. So that was interesting. I just pretended like I hadn't wasted, not just wasted 15 hours, but really worked hard for 15 hours. I would rather do just about anything than drive 15 hours. My neck's all, like I'm doing this right now and it's like crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch.

It's all fucked up. Back starts hurting and everything. I can think of. Yeah, that's the worst. And she couldn't even help you. Couldn't even bear the load. No, my girlfriend's driver's license is suspended so she couldn't drive a mile like i can think of fun things i wouldn't want to do for 15 hours yeah yeah i can think of anything i want to do other than sleep after you know a rough week yeah for 15 hours i don't even i don't want to play video games for 15 hours straight i

don't want to i don't want to eat candy for 15 i don't want to have sex for 15 hours like there's nothing maybe sleep like that would chafe eventually give up yeah at that point i watched all three extended editions of lord of the rings once and that was like 10 and a half hours and at the end of that it was like, what have I done? You know, that's what I do on road trips. I literally thought about that tonight. No, no, no, no, no. So I was driving back tonight,

and in my head, I was like, three hours to go. That's like a Lord of the Rings movie. That's not so bad. I literally think of it in those concepts. That's how I would think about work. I'd be looking at clocks, and when I was a coach for a hockey team a while back, dealing with those little shit fucks who were so annoying

and constantly cutting themselves on their skates. Like, alright, I am basically at the scene where they meet the cave troll in Moria. I just have to bear it out and I'll get through this. Like, what's happening now? Lurch just shot Boromir. Just grit your teeth and get through it. That's a good way to end the game.

That's what i do on airplanes i i just like as soon as i get it you know in my seat i just i put the noise canceling headphones on like you got and uh and just i i zone out like i just i'm in my own little bubble and i'm i'm watching i'm watching whatever i have saved on my computer for the next whatever hours. Sounds like cartoons for you. It's pretty much a lot of family guide to Simpsons and stuff like that that I have saved. I'm still angry about this day. I've never wasted so much time so well.

I wish I saw the truck. I feel like I'd be the one guy there that said, yeah, you're good. This thing sat down. It bottomed out. It was done. The leaf springs were flat. I was afraid that the truck might be damaged at that moment.

I was like, all right, let's take it off now. Fuck. That looked bad. Get a taxi back home. The U-Haul trailers couldn't do it either? I mean, they have trailers that you can put cars on. Well, they do, but they've got... It's like a dolly.

It's like you drive onto it. Well, they've got the dolly that gets the front end of the car, but the bigger trailers, like you're talking about, Woody, maybe, it's got a ramp and then an area where the tires would sit, but in between, there's nothing. It's an open space space and the thing that I purchased is a very large cube right so you'd think it'd be

spanning that gap oh not in a safe kind of way like this thing is like five feet tall like it's is she on a pallet? no yes how'd you know? you weren't supposed to know

the fuck did you buy? Yes, how did you know? You weren't supposed to know. The fuck did you buy? I want to type it to him. Can I type it to him? Yeah, you can type. Well, yeah, but don't give it away to the audience. Yeah, John, so you understand this is a secret. I, of course, of course.

I don't know where I'll see that. Where do I find that? You click on the chat. Oh, on the chat thing. Okay, got it. Thank you. But yeah, they had enclosed. Nice way to be condescending. You click on the chat thing, stupid.

What are you, my grandma? They had the enclosed trailers, and they could have put it in one of those with a forklift, although they weren't exactly rated for what I was getting. Um, but then I was like, how am I going to get it off? Cause I don't own a forklift.

Um, so I said, I'm just gonna have to like drag it off or something. And that's going to ruin the U-Haul. So I was just so upset when I left there. I wanted to be, I wanted to yell at somebody that U-Haul guy almost got it. And he was the most innocent of us all.

Like he was just trying to rent me a fucking U-Haul. So he, he didn't know that his day was about to get worse when you walked in and he's oh welcome to U-Haul you know the worst part well I only work a hard time but let me do my best like see I called ahead and like I reserved the thing I better check my debit

card make sure they didn't fucking charge me for this bullshit I reserved it and she said she wasn't going to charge she's like't fucking charge me for this bullshit. I reserved it, and she said she wasn't going to charge. She's like, yeah, we have that. And she's like, I don't know what she said, like a 12 by 4 or 5 by whatever. She gave me the dimensions of this car trailer, and I was like, perfect.

She's like, yeah, that's rated to 2,500 pounds or 3,500 pounds, I think. And then we get there, and like I said, they don't even fucking have it. Like, it's, it wasn't even a real U-Haul place. It was like a discount furniture store slash U-Haul place. So before he could wait on me, he was having this long, drawn

out conversation in a very effeminate accent to a woman about how they don't make those in light oak anymore. You can't get them in light oak. You just can't. I have that one in my house. And just on and on with this bullshit minutia about his oak furniture and the light oak versus the can't i have that one in my house and this just on and on with this bullshit minutiae about his oak furniture and the light oak versus the dark oak and she's just i can't figure out what she wants and i and just have no consideration for the guy

because i'm trying to get back here by 8 p.m eastern time you know i i had timed this thing out perfectly that's why i got up at 4 4545. It was like, yeah, 14 hours of driving. I'm adding 30 minutes to each leg of the trip, the leftover time. And they're just eating my leftover time all up and there's traffic. Real nightmare of a fucking day. It would have been nice to have a time machine. I could go back and get this day back

because I feel like it was just taken from me. Yeah, no fallout for you the whole day? Didn't get to play any video games? No, it's been a real shitty day. A real shitty day. Do you play any video games, John? Madden. I play Madden Mobile now.

I used to be big on the PS4, but that's the one that's since, what, 91 that I've played throughout all the different, starting with Sega Genesis and then up to now. But, yeah, I'm on my iPad a lot. That's why I'll never play Madden, because there's some guy on there who's been refining his skills since 1991, ready to just kick my ass. It's a lot of skill.

Those games are not fun to play against people who have been playing for a while. Every time I play any sports games where I'm like, you know what? I'm getting real good at NHL 15. Maybe I hop online. I just beat the normal difficulty. Maybe I can play a good game against this 13-year-old. And then you just get butt-fucked. It's not even a game.

I'm pretty straightforward and honest with my game so you know i if you might lose if you don't know what you're doing or whatever but i i mean yeah i'll play some guys it's like wait who did how do you do that what does he do a cartwheel through my defense i don't know you can't do that there's a code there's always some asshole who's figured out the overpowered play. It just runs fake punts every down.

That was the other thing that's great about Michael Vick. I think it was Madden 2004. I think that was his. Where he was on the cover. And it was outrageous. You didn't have to be good at Madden. There was an argument back then when Madden 2004 came out

that between Michael Vick on that year's game or Bo Jackson on Tecmo Bowl being more dominant. And I think Bo Jackson on Tecmo Bowl, I think, won out, but Michael Vick was pretty tough on that game. Yeah, he was on the cover. It didn't even need to be like a design play. You could just anything. I got it now, and just run to the sideline and then up the field.

It would be like a running back play, and you just don't hand off and take it on your own, and it will work out fine. I think the way they have the game now is a little different. When we were talking about exciting, dominating athletic players, I still think Randy Moss, he's up there. You know, because, I mean, up until a couple years ago when the record got broken by, I think, the Broncos,

the two most highest scoring teams of all time, The two most highest scoring teams of all time, the 98 Vikings and the 2007 Patriots had one thing in common, and that was Randy Moss. That dude was just, when he got on a team that obviously he was happy with the quarterback and all that shit, he just dominated. Like, they just, they would always just, they'd just ring up the scoreboard. How important is coaching in the NFL? I think it's, I guess it's tremendously important because of all the turnover

with free agency and with all the, you know, somebody's got to be organized. Somebody's got to know. I mean, those guys needle every single facet of the game. It used to be like a gym teacher almost. Like, you know, like they'd just be like, all right, we'll throw our guys up there against your guys, and whoever is tougher will win.

I'm glad you mentioned that because my next question is what sport do you think the coach isn't all that necessary in like like what what sport do you think that you could interchange the coach of a top three team at the end of the year with the coach of a bottom three team at the end of the year and you probably get the same results um let's see i would say baseball you know yeah that baseball yeah it doesn't seem why don't yeah like i don't need a guy to yeah it's like hit a home run what's the strategy not hitting a home run yeah i never understood that yeah it doesn't yeah they're yeah baseball managers i don't i don't get what they do

no i guess you know i would like to have someone you know running the bullpen making sure that we we pull our pitcher out and we we handling the rest in it but that seems like they could almost manage that themselves anyway like let's right i don't know like if you wanted a guy to to steal home you know like if you wanted to like couldn't the team just basically vote on it? Like, decide themselves? Yeah, get a home. Yeah, all right. Yeah, all right.

Steal home. Like, they don't need an old guy there, like, to make that decision. It's just like, yeah. I don't know. Just as you cited Space Jam, I will cite Bad News Bears, which shows that you absolutely need a coach in the end. In the beginning, it's just he doesn't care. That was about inspiring children, not baseball, though. I don't think that's fair.

I disagree. He's the one who got Lupus to really give it a go and finally get a run, you know? Excellent move. I think maybe you would need a hitting coach and maybe some fundamental coaches. But as far as a guy who's getting a game plan together to beat the Marlins tomorrow,

I don't see that. Along those lines, I feel like Wildcats has taught us how important a coach is in football. What's Wildcats? Goldie Hawn came in and coached? Wow. Jesus Christ. You know the demographic of this show, right? Oh, fuck you. It's more current

than Bad News Bears. They made a new one. It's all the rage. What a fox, Goldie Hawn. Is she dead? Yeah, yeah. She showed naked boob in that movie, too, and it was really unimpressive

boob. It was like, why did you show that? It was her in the tub. You don't needressive boob. It was like, why did you show that? It was her in the tub. You don't need that boob. Terry Hatcher. Terry Hatcher, super hot until you see... Terry Hatcher's 40

something. You're so harsh on these older women's boobies. I don't think she's 40 in the picture I'm thinking of. The one where she's topless on a balcony? That's it, yeah, yeah. That's a recent photo. Oh, is it? Yeah.

Well, then I should cut her some slack. You're right. Yeah. I mean, those things can only stay up there so long. That's true. Smaller's better. For longevity. Yes.

Well, you could always get them tightened up every five to eight years or something like that. Can you? I don't even know how that works. I thought you'd get, like, one shot. You know, they droop. You know, just pull them back. You know, if you, like, if you had some droopy titties, just imagine I have some.

Tell me more. I have this whole time. Yeah, I haven't stopped. Take your shirt off, John. You know, just pull them back up and remove the skin that's, you know, extra, and bam, you got them right back up there. And when they do like... Until at some point the nipples are on the

top. No, no, you've got plenty of stuff to mess with. And you can move the nipple around anyway. That's not a big deal. They do that in breast implant operations. They do, but have you ever seen those fucked up ones? Like that uh... You want a professional at all? Tara Reid. Like when she was doing that like, a hot, a hot, tired eyes

like, fucking show like show 12 years ago. Did you see when her titty fell out? One nipple was over here. One was over here. It looked like a cross-eyed cocker spaniel just completely on opposite sides of the tit. The worst thing that happened to her, maybe you've seen it, she's

at a red carpet or something like that and her titty falls out. She's just smiling and the camera flashes intensify to a magnitude that she's never experienced before. She's like, oh yeah, they're loving me. Yeah, eat it up.

Then somebody runs over and puts her titty up and whispers in her, your titty was out. She's like, fuck, my titty was out. It didn't look good either because she had that wackadoodle. Yeah. I'm told that's all been fixed and that it's okay. Got a good source?

Her. She was interviewed about it. I don't trust her. But I remember she was dating Randall Cunningham at the time. And I think I had my facts right. And it was like, oh, you know, something and it was like oh you know that's the something about that was like oh you know they kept that between them he would hear a reed do i have my reed was dating randall cunningham oh i don't know cunningham's like a bible thumper he's he's not

he wouldn't be hanging out with that chick uh what he's known for getting confused with names so this could be he'd be trying to save her maybe but i don't think he's i don't think he's trying to save her yeah he'd be the type of guy you know trying to bring her to church or something but yeah that's always uncomfortable do you ever have a friend who tries to like slyly get you to go to church with them like they bring it up in conversation and you kind of have like there's no polite thing to say where it's like, oh, I had a lot of fun hanging out tonight. Yeah, me too,

man. We should do this more often. You know, actually, every Sunday morning around 9.30 or so, me and a couple of my other friends that you'd like, we go to the church. My pastor's great. You'll love him. It's just like, oh, next time, you. Next time. No, I won't.

We had that experience with the lady who lives next door. My, I won't. We had that experience with the lady who lives next door. My wife and I, it was a few years ago when we moved here, we were outside shooting baskets. I was losing at horse. The lady next door

yelled down to us something like, you know, are your dogs okay? I heard them barking the other day. It was some shit. And we end up, like, she comes down to our driveway, and we start having a conversation. She seemed relatively normal at first. And it, at one point, she said that she was 70 years old. And I was like, oh, wow, you don't look 70. And, which she didn't. And she's like, she was like, oh, wow, you don't look 70. Which she didn't. And she's like, oh, well, thanks.

You know, whatever. I eat well. And then she went, and well, the Lord's been good to me. And she looked up and pointed, and I'm like, ah, shit. Oh, come on. Jordan did that shit all the time. Yeah, but that was dramatics for a crowd. She was just with me.

So then my wife later. So if she sunk a three right before she told you the story, it would have been all good. But see, what happened was, yes, of course. It dominates you both in horrors. But my wife, like, later on in the conversation, like, offered her one of my DVDs, you know, to take with her. And I'm like, and I went, you said something about the Lord earlier, and there's a lot of cuss words on my DVD. I want to make sure you're okay with that. Because I wouldn't want to be rude and give somebody, you know know a bunch of stuff like that to take into their house if that's not you know what they want and um and and she's like she i said you said

something about the lord and she's like oh do you know him and i went ah fuck this is gonna be a long one i'm like i went no and i and i didn't want to hurt her feelings. I just was like, I'm kind of the, you know, I don't know persuasion. And she's like, oh, you're agnostic. Well, listen, there's going to be a rapture. And she starts sermonizing me on my driveway. And I was like. Trying to save you. Yeah, and I mean, telling me about like, you know,

because every one of those people, they always like, oh me about, like, you know, because every one of those people, like, they always, like, go, no, oh, I have proof. I actually had an out-of-body experience when I, she said she was, like, 10. I'm like, so 60 years ago you had an out-of-body, you remember it perfectly, huh? And it was just, I really was like, man, I think I'd rather live next door to a Satanist. Oh, yeah, the Satanists are their own at least. Yeah, yeah, they don't have pamphlets. They don't have anything.

They don't want to, you know, they don't recruit you for anything. They invite you over for blood orgies or something. They don't even invite you over. They just wear black and, you know know cats come up missing and shit but you know it's not that big a deal but i i yeah this lady just it was i was so mad that i was so polite did you just sort of no i didn't give her dvd i just was like but i i just remember like me you know she sermonized us for a while on our driveway and i was just like you know kind of you know going well you know but uh but then there's science um and uh you know because i didn't want to be rude to

anybody's beliefs but it was like she was so rude to mine because it was like i made it clear that i you know i i didn't say i was open to suggestions i didn't i just said that i you know i i'm of the i don't know persuasion which means i don't know what's out there i don't know what's beyond death but i but also i failed to mention that i do know she doesn't know either and uh i mean and that's what really pissed me off, was people who are so gung-ho over their religion, it's like they can't... They have no respect for your belief system. Yeah, and they can't... If I respect yours, respect mine, which is my choice to not be... Yeah, back off from it. You broke the rule of you always... Any time that i can tell it's just like a you know run-of-the-mill baptister christian like do you know the lord 100 of the time the answer is yes

yes totally i'm on your side and then they will not proselytize they just go you know with you and also with you or tell them you're jewish and that'll tell them you're jewish or there's a nice little switch nothing to do with you or Mormons if a Mormon comes up to your door you can tell them that you're a Jehovah's Witness but that you'd love to talk to them a while and explain about your religion if a Jehovah's Witness comes up you tell them that you're Mormon and you'd love to talk and tell them about your religion and no matter what they won't be interested because they know that you're on the same a different side of that same coin, you know? You're both the people who go around.

I just can't, you know, I can't be like, you know, okay, yeah, you're right. You know, like, I can't just give them that. Say, no, like, I'm in the same boat. I believe, yeah, I mean, there's a wizard in the sky who created all of this, of course. I don't want to give them that. I just think God has graduated Santa. You get to a certain age where you're too old to believe in Santa.

It's all based on a time when they didn't know where the sun went every night. Right. They couldn't even cook pork well enough to the point that they were like, just ban this. Like, we can't even cook this long enough. Just get the shellfish too, you know. Yeah, the earth was flat. I mean, everything

was just like, I mean, and you can't, like, let go of these things. And, like, every time you come up with, I mean, because there's been all kinds of, like, proof to show, you know, like, that you see zeitgeist, like, you know, with the, you know, them saying how, like, the story of Jesus is very similar to the god Horus. That was, like, right before it was, like, I mean, and the thing is, is it's all sun gods. It's all, like, they're basically worship worshipping the sun and then it became a person. I never know what's true.

I saw the Zeitgeist thing and I found it really fascinating. It was pretty much a really solid debunking of Christianity. For all I know, Space Jam is a more reliable source. I don't know. I remember learning about Zoroastrianism in school.

That was one of the very, very earliest religions. And it's pretty much the same story as Christianity. And you go back to Hammurabi's Code, which is the first written law that humanity ever really had. There's a lot of similarities there between it and the Ten Commandments. Yeah, it seems to all be like there's know, there's a man behind the curtain. Don't ask any questions. Just obey.

And it seems to be a really convenient tool for those in the position to play God, you know, on Earth. Yeah, Wizard of Oz kind of thing. You're absolutely right about that. God is all-knowing. He's all-powerful.

He's my friend, but I need you to give me money. God can't help me with this. Is that Louis C. Carey? I don't even know. I think that's just a lot of people who get out. Yeah, I feel like that might even be my own parallel thinking. George Carlin did a lot of stuff like that. He's in Zeitgeist.

They do a sound clip of him in zeitgeist where you know um he talks about like you know god's god's always broke god can only talk to one person at a time like they always have these moments where god came to him and talked to him it's like they're always by themselves like it's never you know and it's like how do you know it's god like how do you know how do you know you're not schizophrenic you know like how do you know it's not a demon like if you believe that sort of thing how do you know is that you god no it's it's dave aren't you the devil exactly like the devil would tell you the truth.

You ask them, they have to admit it. Yeah. I thought that was just cops. They have to tell the truth. Demons can't lie. Are you an undercover demon? Alright, I'll go try the other fucking dirt farmer, three huts

down the lane. Whenever I get into these little debates with my mother, for example, or someone, it's like, so do you believe in the witches? Like the Bible says, are there witches out there that we need to be vigilant about who might cast a fucking spell on me, turn me into toad, that sort of thing? The Bible says witches. Worshiping witches who get their power from him. Does that exist, Mom, like it says in the Bible?

Yeah, it says thou shalt not suffer a witch, something like that. I think I'm quoting that correctly. I mean, like, I don't know. I watch a lot of documentaries, and I found one that was, you know, like where, you know, pretty, like, highly respected, highly certified scholars have actually even narrowed down who wrote the bible like you know it was like this family of like military people for the roman empire the flavians or something that they wrote the bible in order to basically maintain rule in

the roman empire and it's like it it's mean, when you have these people tell you this, but it's like, no, I'm going to believe the guy on TV who wants money. You know, I'm going to believe Creflo Dollar or some shit. You know, like, yeah, come on. Really? You don't think that guy has an incentive to lie to you? I mean, but these professors who have been just rummaging through books for years, what are they cashing in on?

We really have to talk to Dr. Chizagak, getting the painkiller-ready religion up and running, because there's some money to be made here. We considered getting our own religion one time, because the show... John Oliver inspired it. John Oliver did it, and it seemed like the regulations were very loose. It's our favorite kind of regulation.

Yeah, we fit like, I don't know, there were like these things you had to hit to get a religion. We meet on a regular basis. Regular basis, enough followers, et cetera. We had all our bases covered, and we ran out of steam on that one. I would love to get ourselves a religion. The way that you're saved is you buy

three t-shirts or something. I call writing the Bible. I don't know which one of you is son and which one is holy ghost, but I'm totally fucking father. You can take it. You called God. There's a lot of plagiarism going on.

Even the Christians were like, those Egyptians had a pretty good fucking tale. How about we just like change the names? Nobody's going to notice. They can't read those hieroglyphs. Like, we need to branch out a little bit, make some new rules. Like, the Ten Commandments are, that's old hack. That's shit.

You know, there's some in there that don't even make sense. Yeah, some of those, we don't need like four or five of those things. And we need to add a few more. Yes. Yeah, no idols. Like, we should be few more. Yes. Yeah, no idols. Like, we should be the idols. Yes. Make idols of us and the people that we tell you to be idols.

Oh, I was looking at merchandise today. We should make problem heads. You can't even really fault the people who exploit everybody with, I mean, you can, but the people who exploit all those sort of... It's naiver to dumb people who want a god to worship, who want a pastor to show them guidance, to tell them that it's all going to be okay. And, you know, I mean, we're the only animals on earth who know we die. So we're afraid of that constantly, and we're afraid of what's beyond that.

So we're always looking for somebody to tell us it's going to be okay or how it's going to work out in the end. Or something to explain. Like the idea that this – all right, so if you've got a bad life, if things aren't going that great for you, if someone comes to you and says, hey, are you down? Life's not going that great? Well, don't despair because this is just a fraction of a second

in the grand scale of things because all of eternity is going to be spent in God's kingdom with anything and everything you could ever want, and you just have to sign up with us. Are you having a hard time? Is life not treating you right? Have I told you about patreon.com slash pka? For $5 a month, you get early access to some shows and eternal salvation. We need to add that to one of the levels.

Everything's so easy. Eternal salvation? Yeah, yeah. It basically allows you to be stupid. Like, it allows you to just go, oh, yeah, yeah, of course, yeah, it's what I thought it was. Or it's, you know, there is no mystery to life or there's no sort of chaos out there. It's all God's plan. And there's seemingly no need to keep reaching for an explanation once you have it.

The $3 Patreon level doesn't really offer a lot. If we could add eternal salvation to the list, that might be just the kicker that some people are looking for. How good do you think the first guy who maybe accidentally fell into inventing religion felt? Where he's going to his mud hut friend and he's like you know i've been i've been trying to break out as an author here in you know uh macedonia for so long and i wrote this book and and people are buying it man like they're buying it dude you need to roll with this like there's a whole thing in there it's like yeah they're already giving me money like i don't know should i just should i just start should i pretend it's real like yeah just roll

it on next to fiction see how far this will go. See how far this will go. All right. I just wonder if Jesus actually existed, how many times did he run the resurrection story? How many towns did he go in and play the resurrection game? It was like Ocean's Eleven where he had all these people mystified. Oh, my God, he came back, and where's all our gold? like oceans 11 where you know it's like you know he had all these people mystified oh my god he

came back and where's all our gold you know like they uh they got robbed in the process you know it's like it could have been me i was dead i mean because there yeah there's no there's no mass media or anything like that so yeah how many yeah or like if you look at like the or when they talk about you know he turned change water into wine or walked on water, it's like so did Criss Angel. Like if Jesus were alive, he'd have a show on basic cable. He'd be on public access. I bet he was not nearly as humble as – like people wrote him in. Like I bet he was doing it almost like a stand-up comic where he was telling the whole story of it.

There I was. One day into my hell venture. I can't believe – quiet, quiet. I couldn't believe it. Satan was there. And then just gets through the whole story. I'll be here all week. And then just steps off and that's it.

I bet that's more what it was like. Yeah, drops the weird horned copper. We talked about the convenience of the whole scam, right? Like how the whole thing just... The fact that the only thing you really have to do is sign up seems a little too convenient, right? Like almost every sin you commit is okay, is totally forgiven. The one thing that you can't get away with is not being part of my religion.

If you make that flaw till the end, you're fucked. Yeah. You just keep asking the Lord for forgiveness. You keep whispering to him at night before you go to bed and before you eat. So long as you keep worshipping him

and sending me the cash, we'll forgive you indefinitely. There's no thought required. Just go ahead and be stupid. You could be running mafia numbers games, but just weekly confessions and cash, and you're good to go. If there is a heaven, I don't think there is a hell.

I'll say that for sure. I also think there's no hell. I'm saying even if there were a heaven the idea of a god who has a hell who like has a place like that where he throws the people who don't kiss his ass seems like doesn't seem like the behavior that you would expect from a god right like especially not the god, like the one and only, like someone who should be... Really like a sadistic dick. Yeah, it's like maybe we need to talk to the devil because I don't think... I mean, they threw him

down there where they're talking about throwing me. Maybe he and I have more in common than that guy who's doing the throw-and-do. Like maybe we need to talk to the devil. Maybe Satanism is the answer. Maybe it is. I don't want a t-shirt those goats are a little little intimidating i always think like i always wonder like i mean with uh yeah with heaven and hell i always think like it hell is like like heaven's waiting room like you're sitting in the

waiting it's like you're sitting in the waiting room for heaven and it's like like remember when tim tebow kept winning games you know and all those like and all those fucking evangelical people were like see i told you and it's like you didn't tell me shit fucking marion barber ran out of bounds that's why the guy kicked the 58 yard field goal i mean you didn't tell me shit but it's like you have all those people like walking past you in the waiting room going uh see told you yeah christianity yeah you should have subscribed dick and it's like i gotta get mocked by those dicks the whole time as they're getting into heaven and i'm just sitting there okay All right. My favorite about the Tebow thing was the SNL skit where Jesus was like sick and tired of Tebow's shit.

Like, you can't depend on me to bail you out all the time. 58-yard field goals? Are you serious? That's not easy to pull off, even for me. Yeah, right. I would think, too, like Chick-fil-A, they're known for the guy being really religious. They're not open on Sunday. What if one of their employees played the whole scam of the resurrection? They'd be gone for a week, and they'd say, no, I was dead.

And he'd come back, and it'd be like, oh, come on. That's bullshit. And it's like, you bought it once. I don't know why. I don't know why I can't do it. You know, you seem to think it was okay for Jesus to do. But just because I work at Chick-fil-A, I'm a dick. I'm gone for a week.

I come back with a tan. I was battling Satan in hell. Exactly. You're going to question it? Really? You seem to, yeah. You didn't question it in that old book. I can't make McNuggets for three days and you throw a shit fit.

But that guy. Right. I'm fired. I'm fired. Yeah, because you don't believe me. But it's like you believe it was possible. Was it something different then? No.

This tan is proof. Well, see, it's because it's such different than now. This tan is proof. It's because it's such an old story. People can like, they can outsource the responsibility of like, well, it's so old. Like back then, who knows what the fuck was going on?

It's things like Scientology, like Mormonism, where it's so recent, where it's like, dude, you, there's like a picture of that guy. Like that dude was on,

like he had a social security number. He was around. The Joseph Smith guy, he went to prison. You can look up old records and it's like, oh, there he is. That guy was in prison at this time. Or the Dianetics guy, yeah, right. Exactly, same thing with him.

Yeah, the guy who started your religion, it's like, okay, you actually have proof of him. I always say, like, you know, with, I mean, if you really, you know, the lady I remember next door, I said to her, I said, you know, I remember I was kind of contradicting things she was saying, and I was like, how do you know this for sure? And she's like, it's in the Bible.

I'm like, it's it's a book it's just a book and i mean i could say the same thing it's like well it was in star wars so it must be it's gonna happen because it was in star wars i mean you know i mean yeah luke came out of tatooine it does it's same thing it's just a story. It's a book. Anybody could have written that. Why is it that it's like we just have to and it's not. It's just

all one big scam. Yeah. Like the Bible got so out of control sometimes that they had to have like councils, like the Council of Nicaea or whatever, where eventually all the church leaders were like, alright guys, this is getting fucking ridiculous. Like, we all got to meet and hash some of this stuff out. All right, this story about Jesus with the goat, no.

Omit it. Like, they had to reformat it. Like, they had to make the, you know, updated, you know, 541 AD edition. Yeah, right. The New Testament. Like, wait, what happened to the old one i can't see both sides of this issue that one doesn't count my challenge is i can't see both sides of this issue it feels like if if you're a christian to me and i know this is insulting for

some it feels like you've just never thought critically about it because if you did you'd say well there's like so totally no evidence supporting this. Or the evidence that you have is so full of holes that they'll be like, yeah, he is a real guy. No, I'm not saying that he was never real. Jesus, this is. I'm just saying that all that other shit appears to be made up and there's no evidence for it.

Let me ask you a question, though. Have you ever seen the episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia? Where Mac proposes a pretty interesting hypothesis and really turns everybody around. He picks apart evolution. Have you seen that one? Yes.

It's ludicrous. Oh, come on. I haven't seen it. Have you poured through the data? Have you personally poured through the data? That's what it got down to he's like there are volumes of data that back up every claim

I've made he's like really have you poured through the data yourself well I haven't looked at it myself oh really so you might say you're basing your belief in evolution on faith they're like oh alright I'm on the fence.

Everybody moves back literally to the fence between the two, not knowing evolution or religion. But it's easier to have faith in a Rhodes Scholar than it is to have faith in somebody who lived 2,000 years ago

or, you know, however many million or 6 000 years ago come on i mean so you ask it's uh yeah it's uh you know it it's just it really is it's just it's like i i keep an open mind you know what somebody might figure out scientifically that you know the human race did start 6 000 years ago by aliens who landed on this planet and we we just you know it grew from there who knows i'm willing to to to hear that sort of uh you know whatever evidence they have whatever theory they have i just can't i i can't i can't buy into the whole, I'm locked into this, this is how it is, and fuck anybody who tells me different because they're wrong. And it's like, come on, man, you don't know.

I think that defensiveness is a lot just because you don't want to turn around and look at it. Like what he was saying, like, oh, you just haven't looked at it critically. Like I would agree with you there. Like a lot of the religious people, it's not that they're too stupid to see through it if they wanted to. Some of them are very smart. Islam and Mormons and other religions, and they clearly poke holes in that using rationality and logic. Yeah, they look at that book. They can't do it. It's too scary.

Yeah, they're very, very, you know, they have a lot of, they're able to take that book, and it's almost like I feel like those people take their religious knowledge and use it. It's like they know I'm not going to check their work on it. It's like, you know, like if you look at Corinthians 45, 24, and they know I'm not going to go home and look up fucking Corinthians, but they tell me that shit because they just they can and it might you know i might look it up in the bible and go it doesn't say that at all it's it

rules for fucking five card poker or some shit you know like i mean it just doesn't uh just all shit that's something that bothers me a little bit about like the whole because i like had to go to a private school for a while where all the religion was pushed so hard and like teachers and shit they try and make you memorize bible stuff and like they they thought that like they you could tell like the glint in their eye of like i am holier than thou and they'd be like ah but as christ said but you before me so sayeth the lord james 2 21 it's like, fuck you for acting like this is such a big deal that you memorized one line from a book. It's like, oh, and page 60

of Lord of the Rings, a wizard is never late, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to. How is that different? Yeah, you're right. I think I want to use that as a counter someday. You have to figure that as a counter someday.

You have to figure that it's like the people who push this sort of thing have something to gain from it. And, you know, I saw like one of the things I was watching, like that essentially, you know, whether it was Babylon or it was the Roman Empire or now, you know, there was a British Empire, then here. It's been the same essential family of people who are going from place to place to place and pushing this sort of, you know, rule by faith. Because basically they have to, what is it, people have to assist in their own oppression. And that's what they do.

Religion is such a powerful tool. Because it's like, you know, it's one person telling another that they know something that they couldn't possibly know. But they use it, you know, it's like, I'm willing to lie, but you're not, sort of thing. And it's just, it's kind of like, I mean, whether it's, it's the same thing, because when you look at it, the pattern's the same. Because if you look at the whole story with the Bible,

or what sort of the know sort of like the um the scientific explanation of things you know evolution might be wrong but as a theory as a whole but it makes more sense than the bible like just like so-and-so's theory about like say the jfk assassination or 9 11. those things that you know they might be wrong but it makes a lot more sense than the official story does so it's you know it just it's like it seems like there's always somebody with a vested interest in getting you to believe the official story um to get you to go where they need you to go or act the way they need you to act at least people now can read for themselves can you imagine how easy it would be back in the day

like 600 years ago when you were the priest or the pastor it's like it says right here 10 of your money you go ahead and look oh you can't read well shit well you're gonna have to take my word for it or go to hell you know it's your choice totally up up to you. I'm just the messenger, you know. It's like the entire human race is like, it's like, you know, the human race sort of has to mature as a whole. You know, like, you know, it's like kids believing in Santa Claus or something like that. Like, you know, the human race was a little kid at one point. They didn't have any reason to doubt bullshit. But it's like,

we all have to grow up at some point and stop believing in fucking fairy tales. We start to look at things rationally. Just be an adult. It's not that big a deal. It's like just have an open mind and be critical.

You know, think critically. Who are your favorite comedians who are out there right now? Well, we were talking about Joe Rogan earlier. I just love Rogan. Bill Burr is a tremendous comic. Let's see. I did a tour with Vince Vaughn tour. I did that with

Sebastian Maniscalco and Brett Ernst. Those guys are both really funny comics. You know, Al Madrigal. Yeah. Chris Rock is still great Dave Chappelle is still great

what's more important writing or delivery Louis CK sorry he's both it really is you know I mean I think I guess I don't I write on stage i sort of write on the fly

uh as you know when people are you know with the sort of the heat coming on me i i just i write in that sort of the heat of the moment with the pressure on me to come up with something funny. But other people write on a notepad or anything else. That's how I write. You know, I've been lucky enough that I have sort of a distinctive voice to begin with. So it's like I almost had, I sort of had delivery and shit, like timing and delivery. I just sort of had that naturally. So it just came down to you know you know writing i guess for me like where you know i just want to come up with new stuff all the time what were you like in

high school we talked a little bit about reunion stuff you weren't the class clown you weren't this popular guy that everyone loved spending time with i got officially voted class clown with my buddy because we did a we did like a closed circuit TV show in high school. Me and my friend Neil were a co-class clown thing. But I wasn't a clown being just a pain in the ass or anything like that as far as like with the teacher or something like that i was just i mean i i if i was in a like a relaxed environment and i could get in a good line here and there um you know in class i would but for the most part it was just like i just i started finding out pretty early on like around 13 that i could tell stories and retell them and retell them with better punch lines and shit uh like to adults and you know i just realized i had sort of a

talent for it so i was pretty funny as a kid i guess that's what i'm saying no i uh yeah i just i i think i just really really was, I knew I wanted to do this for a long time. Do you ever tell people who are going, who aspire to be comedians to just quit, that you're not fucking funny? Like, it's easy to be like, keep working. You'll get it right harder. This is a long haul. You don't say like, dude, not everyone should be a comedian. a long haul you don't say like dude not everyone should be a comedian i try to be as you know i i mean i try to be as honest with people as i can be that i don't want to be a dream crusher though

so you know if somebody's you know i feel like at some point you know it's kind of like with audiences too it's like you you hope that they figure it out for themselves by the response that they're getting. So it's like if you're not doing well as a comic, you know, then it should just, the writing should be on the wall at some point that it's not working out. But, you know, only you can decide when that is for you,

when it feels like, you know, you just but you know only you can decide when that is for you when when it feels like you know you you just you know you should hang it up but i you know i i've never yeah i've never i i've there's been a few guys that i've seen along the way that i've wanted to but it's their it's their life and i can't do that. I can only be encouraging. Have you gotten a chance to work with, like, Louis C.K. or Bill Burr, any of those guys? I know Bill pretty well, you know, from the comedy store. He's just a really smart, funny, and incessantly hardworking comic. Um, Louis CK, I didn't really know much about Louis CK other than, you know, I just really didn't know much other than, you know,

I knew he was good. I knew he worked with Chris Rock, uh, uh, years ago, but, and then his most recent, his most successful sitcom, Louis, my wife kind of pushed me to watch that. She's like, I think you'll really like it. And I did. It's pretty much the only live-action sitcom that I watch. But I think he's a genius. He really, what he did with his show, it kind of broke down a lot of barriers for comics to come because, you know, I went through development with networks and shit, uh, for,

for a few years, a while back. And it sucks trying to develop a sitcom with those people because you're trying to develop this sort of, you know, everything's got to be, well, we've got to make the wacky neighbor and the parent figure or something like that. You're just inventing all these characters that aren't even in your act because a stand-up's act is basically this happened to me today like your thing like with with you know what you had to do today for you know 14 hours that's a comics day where it's like

you know you yourself happen to be with your girlfriend you know today but you know some days your girlfriend might not be with you um for that adventure so you can't always say that she's always going to be in every episode or something like that and louie's show is perfect where it's like it it's a comics life where you know i i woke up today and this happened and sometimes his daughters are in there. Sometimes other comics are involved. But it's just, it's him. And because, you know, stand-up can be a lonely existence at times. But he's perfectly captured it.

And I think he's kind of set the bar for people to go, okay, you don't have to be like say seinfeld doing a you know tv show or whatever so i feel like success can't be good for a comic like that though i feel like especially in louis ck's case like he's so famous now i feel like it's hard for him to get out there and like observe the public and actually be a fly on the wall and he's so famous and rich that i feel like a lot of the you know everyday quibbling, like my issue I had to go through today, Louis C.K.'s got Ford to get some people to handle some shit

like that. Pay his way around that. It doesn't matter what the payload of Louis C.K.'s truck is, it'll just happen. There'll be some staff that'll take care of it. I think what he talks about on stage sort of evolves, and he might start talking about bigger issues, you know, like the whole religious and he might start talking about bigger issues you know like

like you know like the whole religious thing that we were talking about or whatever like things that because you sort of you build up a a credibility or a you know or a respect factor with the public so your image becomes such that you can maybe attack certain issues that you couldn't when you were less widely known. So, you know, I don't think, you know, somebody was talking about, like, some comic had a private plane, and it's like, if you own a jet, what are you going to complain about? Like, what's funny? You can't even complain about flying anymore. It's just like everything's good. So, yeah, success can be sort of counterproductive to good art.

That's why usually the best artists, I mean, you know, they put their best stuff out on the way up. But if you have a gradual progression, like, you know, they put their best stuff out on the way up. But if you have a gradual progression, like, you know, comics like Louis or, you know, Bill Burr or Jim Gaffigan is a really good comic. Guys who sort of hit their stride in their 40s. Gaffigan's no show now. You have to be around for a while. You know, I had a development deal for my own show back when I was 28,

29. It's like, what was I going to do? What was my show? I didn't even have a fan base at the time, so what was the point? And it's like, you just have to sort of grow into the... I watched Bo Burnham a little bit and he's clearly a smart guy and some of his stuff is funny.

But maybe it's just hard because I'm twice his age to be like to find any insightfulness out of it. Right. Whereas. Give him some time. He hasn't probably at this point yeah because you can't get that that's the thing for a guy like him you know we all want to get you know we all want to be really successful with with uh you know with our art and you know we want to be world famous tomorrow or whatever but you know there the the journey is very important and very essential to

making art that's that's worth a you know you you can't you can't be 25 and really really really you know uh understand all about what life is and be able to talk about it and be able to have people who are say 50, you know, respect your, your views on it. It's just, it's,

it's something that you have to grow with, you know? So no offense to 25 year olds. It's just, it's just, it's so none taken. Oh, trust me.

25 year olds are not easily offended nowadays you'll be fine you know what i as you were saying that i put up a blog i was just kind of reiterating that other gentleman's points that you are a pedophile and a racist i'll see you in court has that been a thing you bumped into yet like i've heard some comics say they don't play colleges anymore there is this stance now that seems more popular among young people than the young people of earlier generations and that like being offended is a position of strength you know you've offended me now you need to do something about how you've offended me yeah you better start groveling that open letter to seinfeld that girl at some college like he performed at a college and some girl like you better start groveling that open letter to Seinfeld

that girl at some college he performed at a college so passive come on college students I've noticed I don't do that many college shows because I've never really I mean I've had a few

decent experiences with them but for the most part kids are the most uptight people really to perform in front of um because they don't really they don't know what's okay to laugh at and they don't they haven't been through all of the experiences that you're talking about so they they're just um yeah it's almost almost like, yeah, they get offended. Like Seinfeld said, they get offended, but they don't even know what they're offended about. So they're just yelling because they think they're supposed to be offended.

My daughter is 16, so look forward to this. I went to the eye doctor this morning, and I got a prescription. I have some mild amount of double vision. And so there's like a prism that like puts it back into alignment and should make life just less stressful. Anyway, she looks at my prescription and says, Oh,

I see you don't have any prism. And I was like, actually I do. I think maybe you just don't know how to read an ophthalmologist's prescription. And she's like, how dare you? Really, how dare you? Really? How dare I?

You're 60. You have no training. You're a junior at high school and you took offense to that? I think if they'd have turned around to me, I'd be like, yeah, you're probably right. I don't know shit about this. I just know I don't see real good and the doctor told me this.

Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah. And she looks it over more carefully and spots it or something. And then there's like this discussion between my wife and I on whether or not I need to apologize for accusing her of not being able to. Your wife wants you to do an awful lot of apologize. Fuck that. I was like, no way.

No way. Forget it. Why is everything always me like groveling or something? And she's like, you're grumpy. Really? Send the rest of the family to go live in the guest house for a couple days. I'm in the Chiz house. Well, I mean, I can understand mutual contrition, you know, if your daughter also wants to say, you know what, I'm sorry that I got.

You know, I mean, I think that people could really... You know, there's sort of something that's lost there where nobody can ever admit that they're wrong, you know, and admit that maybe you're right or maybe we were both wrong or whatever. Like, just... Just relax, man. we were both wrong or whatever like just it just um it's just relax my issue is being offended is viewed as a position of strength and i just want to be like fuck you and you're being offended now this isn't geared towards hope it's more of a wider thing but i didn't tell your daughter to

go fuck herself you in particular but no no it's more the whole like population and like all these kids at yale saying that they're not happy and the kids in mizzou wanting their safe space and this and that and it's like you know like you not being happy that someone's not cracking down on halloween costumes you're being offended is not a position of strength go go take a hike, jump in a lake, pound sand, whatever your 1920s stay home don't bother me thing is. Being offended, let's all nationally

or internationally agree, being offended is not a position of strength. Work it out yourself. Yeah, and the thing is is, you know especially with you you can't legislate away you can't you can't get rid of free speech you need free speech like even if somebody's wrong like you're allowed to say dumb shit like you're you're allowed to do that if if

if you so if you're just that dumb or if you're that racist or if you're that sexist if you're allowed to do that if you're just that dumb or if you're that racist or if you're that sexist, if you're just that clueless. You know, I never agreed with the shit that Donald Sterling said, but he was in his house and he shouldn't lose. I didn't think he was a good owner either, that he was bad for the league, but I also didn't think that should be what got him ousted from the league. You know, he's allowed to say whatever dumb shit he wants

because we have the First Amendment. We're supposed to be able to, you know, say whatever right or wrong shit that we want to say. But you can't just... I hate, like, when people take it as a as a victory when we we we sort of have this sort of public witch hunt where it's like oh so and so said this you know and we we got him we had uh we had the commissioner of the league take away his franchise like we always have like a higher authority the president of that college right he lost his job he had to resign because kids were offended right and and

it's like what it's you're gonna it's you're allowed to say what you want you're also allowed to get offended it's like it somebody's just if you're going to get offended, you're going to get offended. That's allowed to happen. I mean, some shit's just offensive. And, you know, for anything to, you know, in comedy, it's really dangerous in comedy because it's like anything that's funny is going to offend somebody. I mean, it just is, you know, because that's what makes it sort of, it makes it funny. because that's what makes it sort of, it makes it funny. You know, it puts the edge on it and makes people sort of like,

oh, you know, you shouldn't have said that or whatever. And if you take that away, if you just keep, you know, saying, oh, no, you can't say this, you can't say that. I mean, people are going to be really, really regretful when they get all these little victories over who they consider to be bad people saying this, that, and a third, having bad shit happen

to them. That same law is going to apply to shit that they don't think is harmful to say. It's just going to work its shit that they don't think is harmful to say. And it's just going to work its way back into your world and your vocabulary and it's just going to fuck everything up.

It's like different standards for different kinds of art too. As a comedian, it seems like you're held to a higher standard. You can't joke about, you can't make a rape joke or a wife beating joke or something but an actor who plays a rape joke or a wife beating joke or something but an actor who plays a rapist or a wife beater really well they'll be like my god so compelling bring him on stage come on everybody give him it's like why is that okay like acting out that you can't make

a joke about it or bring something fun one of the funniest comics, actually, I didn't mention, Neil Brennan, he was the co-creator of Chappelle's show. He does stand-up, and he's a brilliant, brilliant writer. He just, I mean, some of his comedy, some of his bits and stuff like that, I just, I mean, because I go after him a lot at the comedy store when I'm there. It's just really, it's tremendous. And he did a bit, you know, I don't know if he did in his last special, but it was about the N-word. And I say the N-word, he doesn't say the N-word. He says the word and he says it a couple times in the bit. But the bit is so

brilliantly done that if anybody who takes the moment to listen to the entire thing will understand that, if you're reasonable. And I remember one night I was going after him at the comedy store, and he started into the bit. And the first time he used the N-word, there was a black girl in the back. She was maybe in her early 20s. She just went, no. And it was like, what? Everybody just kind of, and he's like, he's like, no, no, wait, trust me, it's funny.

And she's like, no. And she just went, no, no, no. And he ended up having to just back off the bit and not do it. And I understand why he did it. Because she's a cry bully. She's a cry bully. Exactly. She decided that that bothered her,

and she wasn't ready to see where he was going to go artistically with this. And nobody else could either. This is a guy who's introduced as co-creator of the Chappelle Show. He's well known to have at least one black friend. Probably more. You can maybe give him a little creative leeway here just to see where he's going and let him do the whole thing because it's like if he does the whole thing i he's an artist he's a great artist and it's like if you're

not willing to get a little uncomfortable then you shouldn't come out you just shouldn't come out because you're fucking up the party for everybody else because everybody else got deprived of that really really brilliant piece of of comedic art that night. Because that one girl decided that it was probably going to offend her. Yeah. Yeah, people suck. That's such a douche move to shut everybody's entertainment down. Because it's like, you know what, this kind of tramples on my emotional garden a bit.

And so nobody else can hear it. Yeah, she doesn't get up and leave the room, you know, and wait for the next comic. She's like, no, nobody's allowed to hear this. No, no, no, no. I was like, you fucking, I was so mad. I was so mad on his behalf that night. Oh, I bet that set up the room great for you.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Which I always like going up in a uncomfortable situation because it's just like it's like you know like if you're at a family reunion and you're and you're like you're you're you're your dad punches your grandma or something you know and like i you know and then and then somebody's got to come out and go well who wants cake you know like that's what i That's what the next comic is after a disaster. It's like the person who went after Michael Richards. It's like, who wants cake? Yeah, whoever followed him that night.

But it's fun because I always... It's a challenge for me to sort of see if I can lighten the mood. Well, let me take this moment to tell everyone about Credit Karma. What's the most important number in your life? It's not your IQ. It's not your age either. It's your credit score. It has a huge impact on your finances,

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Now that I have Credit Karma, I can check. I don't have Credit Karma, but you know. I do. The imaginary person who, oh, Woody. I'm speaking for Woody at this point. Now that Woody has Credit Karma, he can check his reports whenever he wants and make sure everything is on the up and up. It's your credit score and it's crucial to know what the score is and how it works. Problem is, some people get stuck paying for their credit score. Don't pay for your credit score. With Credit Karma, you can see your credit score right now absolutely free.

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Yeah, Credit Karma is awesome. You started out rough, and then you rounded it out in the end. Thanks. It's like a movie. Yeah, I'm reading the thing, and I'm like, I'm not just going to lie here and say that I'm using Credit Karma. That's not true, but I know what he is. Didn't Jackie turn you on to them?

Yeah, we've been identity stolen. Victims of identity theft a couple of times. And that's how we got into credit karma. They'll show you all your activity and your reports. And you can put a lock on it and stuff. And they solved the problem. So I like that. Yeah, I had that happen too with

the credit card where it was just like and it the thing is i wouldn't even noticed if they didn't just if they didn't charge the exact same amount in georgia like like like 10 times in a row like it was like wait a minute i i wasn't in georgia and and I didn't go to all these gas stations. Like, it was just like, wait a minute, something's going on here. So, yeah, it sucks when that happens. Yeah. You're violated. So they didn't even steal something big.

They just, like, hit a series of gas stations for Slim Jims? They took, like, $1,000 out of it, which it got put back in my bank account, but it was, like, you know, they charged like a hundred. It was like, it was like $101 even at a time, like every, like in a series of places, like, you know, yeah, it was, it was just really, really conspicuous. So they used your account.

In my case, they opened accounts in my name like oh yeah there was a bank that i i don't even remember the name but i'd never heard of it before and i've never heard of it since it was a little thing and they were able to just get a credit card by saying they were me and they bought a bunch of things it was like weird stuff that i'm not interested in like rolex is in scuba gear and i'm like no that totally wasn't me i wear timex you're right yeah it wasn't me i mean if you if you buy little things like it's just like it's i probably wouldn't notice for a while but you know yeah just go buy some bling yeah it was a whole new card scuba tank yeah plus you get a bill from something you're like what is this like i've never had a

card from the Bank of Oneonta in New York or something like that. It wasn't me. Yeah, that's up there. Right. Let me see. Looks like these AMA questions they submitted from the Patreon

this month might be a cut above the usual. That's what i felt too because a lot of the times it's just the same you know renditions of questions like if you had to do something like would you rather blow your dad or you know fuck your mom twice a week for six months and it's like oh yeah this is gonna be really compelling and what situation would i have to do either one of those things no it's a would you rather question, man. That's the point. You've got to

put yourself in that situation. That's what that deteriorates into every time. One of the challenges I have in particular that might be especially me is they often prompt retelling a story. Like the top one is, tell us a moment where you felt proud or excited about your success.

Oh, well, shucks. You know, what do I do? The one where I got my degree or the one where I sat in first class and my boss walked to coach? These are old, moldy oldies. Lots of politics ones popping up now, though. The gun to your head, Trump or Hillary? Trump. Hillary.

Trump. Really? I. Hillary. Trump. Really? I'm not a vote. I don't vote, but if they put a gun to my head and they said, you've got to register to vote, and then you've got to pick between one of these two, then I would. You know what, I guess.

For the material alone. And I hate to say it because I just am so, because obviously the Republican Party has been so, I couldn't imagine going with him. But I, yeah, I would go Trump too in that situation because I think he can't help but be at least somewhat honest because he's just, he's always seems to be firing, seems to be running his mouth off like almost incessantly. I just don't know if honest is the first word i'd pick i feel like he's in a post-truth world right like okay there there are fibs you tell and then there's the like yeah i saw the thousand arabs cheering 9-11 myself ben carson's

agreeing with i saw that video okay i'll amend that to tell his own version of the story, but whatever he thinks is the truth, because he convinces himself of a lot of things you can tell. Most of the political speeches you see are usually prepared statements, and it seems like the stuff I've seen from him is just him going up and sort of rambling. Now, do I think that's, do I think it's good? No, I don't think in general, I think we, we need other options. I don't, I don't think that, you know, I think the two party system system is, at some point, we've got to figure out this shit doesn't work. And so, yeah, I don't know.

It's hard for me to say, you know, I'd pick Trump over Hillary because I don't think Hillary, I think Hillary's, she's been associated with too many just, you know, bad like Bilderberg shit and just really, I don't trust her. I don't trust her at all. Yeah, and it's a shame to be less trustworthy than Donald Trump, you know, because you would think that, you know, a guy who's done this well in our system wouldn't be that inclined to make any changes for the little guy and i i don't think

he will uh and that's where i have a hang-up about ever giving him any sort of endorsement so i i gun to my head yeah him but i i don't i i really i really would like i'd like a write-in material you're a comedian a stand-up comedian having trump elected that seems like it would just write itself like yeah but i never do i i never do political humor but i could in my older age i i don't think um he kind of makes fun of himself though you know what i mean like he just sort of is he's just it's almost like too easy where you know everybody else can see the joke so it's not like you're doing anything that

clever uh by making fun of him but uh you know he's you don't have to try that hard to make fun of time yeah i just i i just wish i i really do i, we need to, you know, start figuring out. To me, it feels like the only people that like their candidate are Bernie favorites, right? If Bernie Sanders is your guy, you've got a lot of enthusiasm around him. Everyone else is like, well, I guess Trump or, you know, like, is anyone really gung-ho about Rubio or Bush? Is there that much enthusiasm, though though or is it just the internet yeah Trump's fooled some people

pretty well to you know rally for him and you know I'm not saying there's more people but the people that like Bernie Sanders feel like he's their opportunity to change the world the people that like Trump feels like he's the best of the bunch, I think.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The youth always gets up in arms about one candidate or another ever since the inception of the internet. It was Ron Paul last time, which is weird because he's almost the exact opposite of Bernie in most ways. No, he's old and cute. Oh bernie in most ways and the young people like oh he's old and

cute oh yeah old and cute you know this feeble little man who would have also given black lives matter his stage at his own convention but you know he he just had no chance and everybody just worked themselves into a frothy frenzy saying how oh yeah if we all go out and vote we'll get him man and it seems like that same thing although bernie does seem more popular than ron paul ever was but he still doesn't stand a chance to beat Hillary out. Ron Paul has gotten more popular, I think, since his candidacy. I think his, or at least on my end, I think he's become more well-known through the Internet. Are you thinking of Ron Paul or Rand Paul?

Ron Paul. Now, I or Rand Paul? Ron Paul. Now, I know Rand Paul is his son. I think Ron Paul has become more of a sort of a libertarian legend almost where it's like, you know, if a lot of people had it to do over again, they'd vote for him if they knew more about it and they would, if they had a chance but but uh he um you know he's it's i guess it's too late now i don't know i guess he's not running again but yeah bernie sanders changing the world is kind of like barack obama changing the world it's like

yeah i don't know if we it's just we're pulling from the same bag of candidates, and we need to find a new bag of choices. Yeah, that's a good way to put it. I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon. No, because we all just kind of fall in line. It's easier to fall in line. Maybe with someone like Trump, though. It'll all change. Chancellor Trump.

He'll maybe shine a light on how much of a fucking joke this whole thing is. Yeah, just to satisfy his own arrogance, I think he would. I think Trump is going to get second place. I think that's a pretty big deal. To who, Rubio? Or Cruz? Oh, in the actual election. Oh, yeah.

The whole thing? That would be outrageous. I really want that, though. I really want to see him on the national stage doing his thing. It's going to be hilarious. Yeah. It's going to be fucking hilarious. Hillary Clinton's got a lot to hide,

and I think that'll all come out in an election. I think Bernie Sanders would be the better pick for the Democrats. It also depends what happens. So Trump has a real issue with foreign policy knowledge. And it's not entirely his fault. The poor guy's literally watching Sunday morning talk shows to get informed. Like us. Whereas Hillary Clinton, for example, was the Secretary of State getting intelligence briefings and shit like that. So if ISIS keeps heading us towards world war three and turkey and russia go to war and all that craziness that will give hillary a significant leg up you know because

foreign policy will be critically important whereas it seemed like a month ago it was all about domestic yeah i i yeah i i just i like i said i i think said, I think that there's Bill Clinton's presidency and the Clintons in general were sort of romanticized. And then I think as people have done more digging into their past, you know, what went on in Arkansas before they were, you know, before they were in the White House, and then just, you know, sort of the system that they were, they've been a part of. It's just, it's just,

it's kind of seedy, man. It's, they're, yeah, I wouldn't trust, I wouldn't trust Hillary. No. And she's just very, very unlikable. So what do you trust?

I don't trust Hillary. Put that out there. No. The only one out there that I kind of trust. Right? Do you trust Rubio? Do you trust Trump? Do you trust Carson? Carson, he's a trustworthy guy.

Bernie's trustworthy, but I don't agree with him. Is he? See, the thing is it doesn't matter if he himself is. Carson, he's a trustworthy guy. Bernie's trustworthy, but I don't agree with him. Is he? See, the thing is it doesn't matter if he himself is because the thing is he's not running it. He's just basically acting on behalf of the man behind the curtain. There's another group that's running this whole game that you don't see.

That people who are in the Democrat or Republican Party are just... Behind Bernie Sanders? What's that? Behind Bernie Sanders? I feel like, you know, it's like, dude, he's totally in the pocket of that teacher that gave $150 from Wyoming.

He's beholden to her. If you're not going to agree – look, the last president that we had that decided that he wasn't going to play the game of the people who were really in charge got a bullet in his head. And that's – I mean, ever since then then they've all been puppets they've been puppets since 63 so is this what you guys wanted when you brought a comedian on sorry it works it works waka waka folks it's not what i expected but this is I'm interested I watch a lot I look a lot

I read audio books are phenomenal for me as long as somebody reads to me I'm good do you read any fun ones like Game of Thrones it's not fun I get into like you know mainly you know whether it's not not fun it's a job like i get i get into like um you know uh mainly you know whether it's

you know political or biographical type stuff you know game of thrones is 200 hours of content good luck with that i've never watched i yeah you haven't watched it i've never watched you know what i never watched the sopranos either. You're making a big mistake. I didn't catch those waves of obsession. Yeah. Ah, yeah. The Wire. Yeah, I did.

Breaking Bad. Yeah, I watched that. But I haven't watched Game of Thrones. These are two shows on the same level. Yeah. I think Game of Thrones is probably top two, definitely, of that group. I've seen all those shows. Really?

Oh, yeah. I've seen every episode of all those shows at least twice. How's the TV connoisseur? I am a TV connoisseur if there is such a thing. Okay. But I've seen every episode of Sopranos like three fucking times. I love the Sopranos. I really like The Wire.

That's really good. But Game of Thrones has such a budget behind it that you're really getting almost like an hour long movie every week instead of what feels like broadcast TV, or it's not broadcast TV. It feels like cable TV. It doesn't anymore. It feels so much more high production value than, say, The Wire or even The Sopranos. Like The Sopranos, I go back and watch, maybe a month or two ago, I watched the whole thing

again. And like the fight scenes and stuff, there's a lot of things in there that just don't look good you wouldn't want to present that today I wouldn't want to produce something that had some of that stuff in it today but Game of Thrones really some of the special effects last season I know Woody didn't care for but I think they've been excellent throughout the series see I'm not a special effects guy.

I'm more of a story. Breaking Bad felt like you were almost like you were watching a documentary on Fox. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With Game of Thrones, you spin your disbelief. Game of Thrones just feels like it's more, yeah, tits and dragons is what it is. Yes! What more could you want? These are a few of my favorite things. So, why aren't you watching this, John?

If you know this. Yeah, right? Tits and dragons, you're not turning me off at all. They named it tits and dragons on my watch. It's a good show. I think it's better than Breaking Bad in its own way. So Jon Snow's coming back. Well, it certainly appears that way, yeah.

He's on the poster of next season's trip. Jon Snow's dead body is on the poster of next season. Dead body? Yeah. I saw it differently. Let me see it again. It didn't look dead. He looked like he was looking downward in a typical Jon Snow...

I think it's clearly implied that he's coming back in the next season. Oh, yeah. I've said all along he's coming back. What would I search for? Well, now that we've established that Jon hasn't read it or watched it, I think we should talk about this at length. Yeah, of course.

Tell me more about Jon Snow. What's his whole thing? Actually, yeah. Do it so I can go pee. Oh, God. Go ahead, man. Oh, thank you, thank you. We prefer, like, raising your hand, asking for permission, but, you know, this is fine, too. I guess I'm going to show it to everybody.

He is bloodied, but I can see why Kyle would say he's dead, although you can also see how, to me is clearly a live person Here a live person. Yeah, he's got a bloody. No. I'm not convinced you can tell the difference yet Let me let me look at this thing That doesn't look like a dead body to me. He looks like he's standing, but you can only see his face But he's certainly not laying in bed. Well, he would be laying on the ground. That's not his death pose either. He was belly down, I think.

Oh, I've seen this poster. Yeah. I don't think that's a picture of somebody's dead body. Yeah, it looks like he's standing up. You're right. Huh. I actually knew weeks and weeks ago that he was going to be on the show

because there were some leaked set pictures of him on the set. The number one thing here is I'm no doctor, but standing upright is usually a good indication of being alive. Yeah. I saw it on my phone and I just saw the blood on his mouth and I was like, oh, they're still leaving it up in the air.

But yeah, looks like he's alive. Probably getting a close-up of the casting couch while he's gone. Nice. From that angle, it's kind of hot. Cameltoe. Wow, what'd you get on the SAT? I'm just going through the ones of these questions

that have nowhere to go. What'd you get on your SAT? I bet you did well, Taylor. 1280, I'm going to through the ones of these questions that have nowhere to go. What did you get on your SAT? I bet you did well, Taylor. 1280, I'm going to say you got? We didn't take SATs. We took ACT. Oh. They don't mean as – like, I don't know those scores.

What did you get? 30. What's perfect? 34 or something? 36 is perfect. Oh. Yeah. So I think the average is like 22 in my area of the country

um sats were the thing that you took and i remember i got an 11 10 which is a pretty good score it's remarkably good for somebody with my gpa and it was you know it was one of the not like the best score in my high school or anything but it was like better than most people who were considered much smarter than me got lower scores it was kind of a breakout it was one of the first times I felt smart although now there's like three sections

so I don't know multiply that by a third Kyle you took it right I took a PSAT and I don't even remember what the score was to be honest you didn't even take the real one. You took the training. I thought it was the real one at the time. I swear to God I did.

I didn't figure that out until... I was talking to my mom about this not too long ago and she was like, that was the PSAT and I was like, well, how does that even fucking work? I was like, I don't even understand. I was like, why didn't I take the real one? Oh, well, you aren't going to do anything with it anyway. We didn't have any faith in you. Yeah, exactly.

That's what they said. I was like, shouldn't I have been taking, like, those, been studying for that thing and, like, got me a tutor and stuff? Ah, you didn't need that. Fuck. You misled me for years, mother. Yep. A tutor for game of thrones

we're serious about it around here so you know i listened to the audiobooks i watched every episode of the show but i didn't feel like i was picking it up so i had to hire a george martin expert to really come in and a few hours a week we sit around and we we dig into the mythos of the legend of the whole thing and it's the flashcards that really help. Honestly, you might want some flashcards to actually learn that show. We were talking about SAT scores. Oh, okay. It seems like being good at math is a big deal and having a big vocabulary.

And if you do those two things, you crush it on that test. Yeah, yeah. I didn't even take the SAT. I took the ACT. So I did pretty well on that. Yeah, see, it's not that rare. That's what I took. I think it's where you're from because I'm from the Midwest too. And I think it's here in the Midwest.

If you plan on going to school out of state, they say take the SAT. But if you're not, then just take the ACT. So I just took the ACT. And I just wanted to beat my sister's score, and I did, but I had to take a shit the whole time, so it was like I didn't do that well on the test, so my second time through, I really, yeah, I hammered it pretty well. My daughter, we went to like a going into college kind of like prep,

not a course, her school offered it. Anyway, what they said is take them both and use the one that that is better you know some people get a better grade in the SAT or ACT and they're like you don't have to have it sent to your school you can just sort of take them and use whichever one is advantageous to you right which is is well, like, you ever watch, like, Hoop Dreams? Like, when, yeah, he's got to get an 18. He's got to get an 18. It was like, finally, after taking the test 47 times, Williams' score added up to an average of 17.2 that they rounded up to 18.

It was like, wait, how do you round 17.2? Wait a minute. He was very good at basketball. Yeah, exactly. It's like, did you see 17.2? He was very good at basketball. Did you see his jump shot? That's why he rounded up. Did he put C for that one? Yes, I think he did. I'm reading through some of these questions.

They're long. Here's a quick one. Kyle, what happened to Japanese bug fights? I explained this. You guys are so ridiculous with the questions. They always ask what happened to the Jeremy wheel of pain. Jeremy didn't want to fucking do it, bro. He didn't want to do it. I had this idea where you spin a wheel, and it randomly either picks a prize

or a method of torture that we would apply to a person. So you either get $200 or shocked with a taser. And it was a funny idea to discuss on the show, but when I go to this human being in real life, I'm like, hey man, you want to spin the wheel of pain? He's like, fuck you. Like, he's not into it. And then there's the Japanese bug fights thing

where there literally was this website where the Japanese fought gigantic bugs in a terrarium to the death and announced over it in Japanese, which is even more funny because we don't know what the fuck they're saying yeah and I was like I'll I'll just make my own Japanese bug fights I'll order scary bugs and do it right here but I was I was honestly afraid that there was some sort of

animal cruelty law that could be applied to me by some like some some nick pickers stickler out there who just had some yeah if somebody's got something against me yeah and I'm not, I don't get this. Giant bugs, do they fight giant bugs? Giant bugs, yes. Wait, they fight them against each other? Against each other. I thought, oh, like, Oh, you left!

I was like, they have a person fight a bug? Like, why didn't he just squish him and leave? The person is undefeated. Yeah, I would say so. Some of those bugs. Yeah, I don't think it applies to insects. The flying bugs would be tricky. When I worked at a golf course and we used to catch gophers,

I didn't want to kill them. I didn't mind catching them, but killing them was like, no. That's not going to happen. I didn't mind catching him, but killing him was like, no, I'm not. That's not going to happen. I'll have nightmares. But I remember this one guy told me that he had a picture on his desk. It was an 8x10, black and white, of a gopher. And he's like, yeah, we had a battle royal one day in the truck, like a truck bed. They threw 20 of them in there, and they just all fought it out.

Because gophers, like we found out, like, yeah, gophers, if you put gophers together, gophers don't fucking like each other for some reason. And they will fight to the death. Yeah, right. It's just like, yeah, fucking. Every episode of Survivor, The Apprentice, et cetera. If you separate teams into guys and girls, the girls hate each other. Yeah.

So what happened? Was there one, like, last man standing, last gopher standing? Yeah, that was the one he had in the picture. Oh. And they just, and for winning, they hit him with a shovel. And grand prize. His prize was – I was hoping he made it a pet or something.

Yeah, exactly. That's fucking awful. Yeah, right. Let him loose on another golf course. Let him just go run free somewhere else. Take that alpha gopher to a competitor. I could never hurt the gophers. I would catch them and somebody else could take care of them, whatever.

Yeah, catching them was like fishing, but I wasn't going to hurt them. I like this question. The gang is now inducted into the Whack Pack. This is Howard Stern's gang of idiots. The gang is now inducted into the Whack Pack. This is Howard Stern's gang of idiots. Which of your traits do each of you emphasize and build your radio personality on? Well, the Whack Pack is like a group of literally retarded people.

Yeah, that's not fair because the qualifications for being in the Whack Pack are things like living at home with your parents, being mentally incompetent, literally not having a job, like being 100% broke, independent. Yeah, things like being a – severe physical impairments. I don't think any of us have what it takes to be a whack packer. They recently had a thing where they kicked out a few normal people out of the whack pack. Like Bobo, Bobo's out of the whack pack because he's a fucking normal guy with a job. Like he's weird, he wears that stupid fucking hairpiece, and he's a complete loser, but he's not in the Whack Pack. Is that the same Bobo from the ONA show? Probably not, because those shows didn't get along in the past.

I don't know, Bobo's a real attention whore. He probably, probably so. Would he always have prepared questions when he called them? Oh no, Bobo for ONA, he was a mentally retarded person. Ah, this person is... Oh, okay. Well, this person is all there. Okay. Well, then, yeah, you can't induct normal people into it because they'd be like, oh, what are you going to do today, Woody?

Oh, you know, I've prepared my taxes. You know, I got my taxes done. Yes. After this, you know, I'll eat a reasonable lunch. Spent the whole day coding and then worked on the stable. Well, I was going to lay off carbs this whole week, but I brought a reasonable-sized bowl of brown rice that I'm prepared to eat in front of you.

They wouldn't do that. The Whack Packers, you look at somebody like High Pitched Eric, who's 400 pounds, walks with a cane. He has a high-pitched voice that sounds like, I don't know, like Mickey Mouse. He lives on some sort of government dependency program, government housing. He has a communal bathroom in that facility he's in.

And when you compare him to a normal human being, we just don't have what it takes to cut it. Doesn't the Stern Show pay these people? They often compete for prizes on the show um but but not like a salary or anything like that and certainly not a large amount of money they'll play for like five hundred dollars five thousand if it's a big promoted show or something but those are rare usually they're getting five hundred a thousand dollars and so in essence a billionaire invites handicapped people to come in and compete for pennies

while they're living on the government till yes that is exactly true I don't know if he's got a whole billion now but like he's up there in the hundreds of millions and it's time to re-up his contract I think at the end of the year yeah lots of mentally handicapped people

on that show you got Beetlejuice I saw one today where they had Beetlejuice and Gary the Retard having a trivia contest against each other, and the first question was to Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, spell the word red. And he goes, S-T-A-R-E. And they're like, close. Gary, Gary, spell red.

And Gary goes, R-E-D. They're like you like correct point to Gary all right Beetlejuice question number two how do you spell red STR a ERT wrong again Jerry spell read they did it three fucking times. I love that shit. And of course, he spelled it all three times. We could get Beetlejuice on the show if we wanted. He has that website. You can rent him out. I don't know what we'd do with him for more than five or ten minutes.

You'd have to write some questions. You'd have to write a whole thing. He's not competent enough to be entertaining on his own and stand on his own. He's like a funny box that you have to poke. It's funny to listen to in shows like that where they have the invalids and the whack packs come in, but if I were a part of it myself, I feel like

a real piece of shit. That's just it. I think those people, the fact that they're not mortified by it is why they're in it. To them, they block out all of the you know they manage to block out all the negativity you know like everybody somebody call them stupid or whatever like you ever see movie the windy city

it's uh you should uh check it out if you can it hard to, I think it's probably on YouTube at least. It's called, it was on Comedy Central. It was produced by Kimmel. And they, it's just this elaborate hoax that they played on one guy. Because he was just, his name was Scary Perry. And he was just kind of, he was just off. And they made this elaborate hoax that they were made him the star of this movie and they produced this whole movie and played pranks on him the

entire time and they even showed him the movie after they did the movie and he still didn't get it like he it still didn't. I mean, it says right there on the screen, we did this whole thing to fuck with him, and he still, no, he's still like, because he does the commentary on the DVD, and he's like, you know, he's like, look, this is one of my better scenes in the movie. Like, he still thinks that he's an actor.

It just doesn't register. And that's the thing. It's like, when somebody's blissfully stupid, that's when they're going to sign up for shit like that or be okay with, they're going to come back over and over and over again. One of my favorite bits they do with Beetlejuice, who is just severely retarded, it seems,

is they'll, they're wearing headsets because they're in the studio, and they'll ask him questions, and someone's feeding him the answers in his headset, and there's like a third party usually who's unaware of this, and so they're used to, they've met Beetlejuice, they've spent 20 minutes with him, they realize he's severely retarded,

and then all of a sudden he's naming state capitals like it's nothing. They're just like, what the fuck? What's with this guy? He knows the formula for, yeah. But he's even bad at that, honestly. Can you think of a formula? I can't think of a formula. I was going to say like NACL salt, but I mean, how dumb is that one?

Everybody knows that one. Wow, he knows water? H2O? Wow, that guy's a genius. Give me some NHCL on my eggs. Yeah, I don't know. I was bad at science. They used to play a trivia game called Are You As Dumb As A Box Of Rocks? Or Dumb As A Box Of Rocks? I'm not sure which.

And they'd have three gorgeous chicks, usually in bikinis. And I think they were all strippers in these scenarios. But they were all dumber than a fucking box of rocks. They would ask them questions like, you know, H2O is the chemical formula of? And that would be one of the questions. Like really easy stuff that like a fifth, sixth grader would probably get, at least a bright one, and like just don't know any of that shit.

It's my favorite thing to watch. I really enjoy the Stern show, especially the mean ones. The ones that revolve around the Whack Pack, Bigfoot. Bigfoot's probably my favorite Whack Packer. He's just... I really enjoy that show. I like listening to that mean shit, but I wouldn't want to be a part of it. I would love to be a part of it

I would love to be among others who are like myself yeah like that movie I was saying it's the same thing they're playing this prank on the guy I remember they had me audition for Punk'd back in like 03

and I just remember they had me, they called, they gave me, like, a callback, I remember. I did, like, two callbacks. Like, I finally, like, went up, like, in front of Ashton Kutcher or something, and I was telling them the whole time, like, I don't want this job. Like, why do you, you know, because I can't do it. Like, there's no way.

As soon as somebody started to cry or something, I'd be like, here's your dog. I'm sorry. It was all bullshit. I couldn't do that. I couldn't be a dick to people. But I guess it's funny to watch from afar because it's like,

I'm not in it. Go ahead. At the root of it, it seems like, especially with the mentally disabled Whack Packers, they're almost always getting some money out of it, and it seems like there's this underlying thing where they're all buddies with this guy, and they seem to be in on it as well, except for that one time when they put Gary the retard

in a big cardboard box and shook it, telling him he was going to the moon. And he thought he went to the fucking moon. They're like shaking the box. They're like, Gary, you're going to the moon. He's like, I'm going to the moon. I'm going to the moon. They did that on 30 Rock, too.

But Stern did it for real. They really got an actual mentally handicapped guy and convinced him he went to the moon. I wonder who went first. Oh, it had to be Stern. So the 30 Rock thing is probably five or six years ago. This is so old that it's blurry video.

Yeah, he's been on for 30 plus years. This has been the E day, so like 2000, 2002, 2003, somewhere in there, I guess. Probably Stern was first. What's the one thing you wish you could have invented? There's lots of things. I don't know if I want to go for creativity or money.

Money. One of those infomercial bullshit things like OxyClean or something. Right? ChamWow. ChamWow. I like the Magic Eraser. You can get these Chinese knockoffs for pennies. I feel like there's – and they're awesome.

Magic Erasers are incredibly effective and good and wonderful. You know what I wish I invented? I just – well, one of them. I have two things. I have one called the Bug Z, one of them. I have two things. I have one called the Bug Zooka, and then I have Bug Assault. And I wish I'd been the guy on either one of these things. Like, one is, it's like a suction cannon that, like, you roll up on a spider, and, like, it's like a plunger that locks, and it's like, and then you go,

and it's like a plunger that locks, and it's like, and then you go, and you suck the spider into the little housing thing, and then you can take him outside and stomp his brains out. Or the bug assault is actually, it's a little gun that you rack it, and you shoot flies. You shoot them with grains. It shoots buckshot assault i'm like there's you spray salt like and like and it takes out the fly like it is it's like i mean you need a

you need several shots usually like i mean it's usually you need a flamethrower you stagger him with the first shot and then you know but you have so many salt grains yeah he can't take it anymore and uh very niche markets for you yes yes but uh i i would want my name attached to those products have you seen that thing that's like a tennis racket but it's electrified so you swing i have that too yeah it's amazing my wife got me that one are there even any bugs in LA? It's dry. I hate bugs, so maybe that's it. Plus, I miss all the time because I'm afraid. I shorten my swing, and then it's like he gets away or something, and then I'm worried about there being a bug.

I'm going to go to your MySpace page and out you as a buggist. One of my asshole friends in high school, he liked to tinker with things, and he had one of those swats, and he took, like, there's, like, a safety guard on there to, like, keep you from getting shocked too hard. Like, it keeps it just at bug level. He, like, removed that and then hooked up a different battery to the handle and, like, electric taped it and wired this thing so that he could come up

behind you and you're like watching TV and like right on the back of your shoulder or head just go WAP and it'd just like be like an actual shock to you like what a dick Jesus it was not you couldn't relax and watch a movie at that guy's house

damn that's yeah I was using that tennis racket. That thing is good, actually, for we had a bunch of bees, like, out back, like, around, like, the pool. And, like, when things are flying, it's a good thing for when things are flying. So, but other than that, like, actually hitting a bug, no, it's not great. It's made of plastic. You're going to shatter it on the floor.

Yeah, you have to just sort of place it on top of them, and then the shock's not really that deep. They are a bug, so they're not great tall. So they're not tall enough to reach the well. I used an actual taser on a spider once. I don't know if that's signs of worse things to come, but I don't think it is. I don't hurt anything that has fur or that can grow it. I don't know.

I don't either. I'll just eat it. I'm getting loopy. Have you guys kept up with that kid that put the clock in a different case and now he wants $15 million? Yeah. Yes. Oh, my God.

This was a long time by his dad the whole time. Oh, my God. So there's a bunch of stuff I learned that I didn't know before. At first, I thought he was actually kind of a victim of racism. They're saying it looks like a bomb. Now you see it. And he was clearly trying to make a thing that looked like a bomb. And the teachers were like, you know, hey, you know, this thing is a bomb.

Oh, no, we're scared, etc. No, that is totally not what happened. The teachers knew this guy. They saw him every day. And they told him to put it in his locker because they were like, the teachers knew he was trying to do some sort of hoax. He didn't. He brought it from class to class to class.

Every teacher didn't fall for it. And then eventually they're like put this thing away and the principal and whatever. He set the alarm to go off during classes. Yes. He set the alarm to go off during classes because he's an attention-seeking little fuck, which is forgivable because he's like 15 and I was too. But he's an attention-seeking little fuck, which is forgivable because he's like 15 and I was too. But he's an attention-seeking little fuck. And then they leave the country like a week later. Like Obama brings him to the White House to apologize for this treatment.

Then they leave the country and ask for $15 million. Oh, my God. Suck a dick. I don't know anything about that. John will like it because he's a pedo. He's 15. Of course. Yeah, that's my interest group. which I don't know anything about John like because he's a pedo he's 15 yeah that's my interest group John why don't

you come over you'll like this this is about raping kids Jesus no no so yeah so here's the deal this this kid he's um I don't know what he is he's Middle Eastern descent of some sort and he took the insides of a clock and put it into a thing that looked like a briefcase. It was a pencil case, I think, but it was fashioned to look like a briefcase. And I guess it worked.

Why wouldn't it work? It's the inside of a clock. All you do is take the case off and put it in a different case. And a lot of people are like, oh, oh my god you can believe this poor genius kid is being discriminated against for the color of his skin just because he's a middle eastern descent doesn't mean that his brilliant invention here the clock transplant you know like he's the greatest thing i think mit literally offered him a spot for when he graduated well the thing the thing that happened was the principal called

the police and they arrested the kid and everything and it became a big national story. MIT invites him, the president invites him to the White House, all that crazy stuff. NASA invites him to come hang out. It's just...

It seemed like he was getting a lot of special treatment for something that was really silly. His dad runs for president of Sudan like every other year or something. Yeah, I saw that, yeah. Attention seeking is in the blood. Like every other YouTuber made a video

where they like opened a clock and then put the insides in something else to prove that it wasn't an act of genius to do this. And I didn't like the whole like jerking eachking each other off of, like, the initial... Like, when it first came out, and, like, everybody was on the page, like, before all the details came out, of, like, yeah, it is ridiculous that they would get this kid arrested when it's a clock, like, upon further

inspection, but all, like, the sudden bomb explosive experts who were, like, huh, these fools to think that this could be anything more than a standard clock. Like, when it does have a bunch of wires poking around, and I'm not an explosives expert, so if I looked at it real quick, just out of the corner

of my eye in class, I'd be like, wow, that's kind of a weird thing for someone to have here. It's not like they were over there meticulously looking like, oh, and here's the snooze button that he kind of placed in. Well, I mean, it could be a bomb component. Like, he's got the parts there to be part of a bomb, certainly. Let me ask you, audience, why do you think parts there to be part of a bomb certainly let me ask you audience why do

you think he took the insides of a clock put it in a briefcase and set it to go off during class is this a hobby that i'm the is there like a special interest group of briefcase clocks that i'm not familiar with i think his dad told him to do all these things for like attention and to eventually get money. I don't think – I mean, he's a kid, so he's not like some nefarious mastermind here, I don't think. His sister had been suspended for bomb threats to school before. Yeah, I don't think you can really fault people for being, I guess,'m somewhat concerned, but I also think that, you know, why is it that this kid, because of his race or his heritage, is more cause for concern than if just, you know, my kid did it, you know?

It's like because sometimes kids just, you know, if, you know, my kid did it, you know, it's like, because sometimes kids just, you know, I don't know why you'd be this, that bored now with iPads and shit, but, you know, it's like, you, I don't know, maybe you just did it to did it, who knows, you know, but we've been sort of conditioned to be scared of, you know, a group of people who, you know, I don't know that they are really as culpable as they've been made out to be. That's true. But it also would be legitimately impressive if your six-month-old child took a clock apart and just put it in a briefcase. Well, yes, yes. i i mean i would be concerned i mean you don't even crawl yet uh you don't even know what time what were you doing all night where was your mother what are you doing you're only 33 percentile and i don't even own

a briefcase yeah the whole like you're right that it probably wouldn't have been such a big deal if he wasn't of arab descent like if he was just some you know like chucky from dallas or whatever and he did it like nobody would really give that much of a shit but he'd still probably get suspended for causing a ruckus and they'd be like hey you're trying to get attention here but at the same token it wouldn't have been made a big story. The story would have been, hey, parents, come here. Your kid's trying to pull some shit and act like he's not, so he's suspended for two days or whatever.

They wouldn't have arrested him, I don't think. Yeah. Yeah, the arrest thing seemed weird. They might have given news attention for a reason too, to reinforce that sort of image. You need to be afraid of these people. And that's not fair. The news story there was

more like you shouldn't be afraid of these people though, because everybody was condemning it. But they're putting that image out there for people to take what they already have been conditioned to sort of act upon. You know, Arabs and bobs. Oh, no.

You know, that's what they do. That's their thing. And it's just an unfair, you know, thing to hang on a group of people. That's true. And so whether or not, you know, they're saying, well, this is a situation where the kid, they're playing it like, oh, it's wrong. We shouldn't be. Why are they discriminating against this poor kid?

They're just putting that imagery out there for you again to go, I don't know. Fucking Aji with a bomb. I don't know. I don't like it. Come on. Let's admit the kid baited everyone into doing this right you know i i can't think of a parallel with another group but like he knows he made a freaking bomb looking thing and then he's of middle eastern descent and that was all part of his attention seeking plan at some point yeah where I it's simply he's

gotta think during that project this is probably gonna this is probably a bad idea yeah I don't know I don't know I don't know it's crazy yeah I feel like if you guys might not remember some of you will but the DC but the DC sniper, right? So there were these two guys. One's name was Muhammad something, and the other guy's- Lee Boyd Malvo, right? Yeah, yeah. And they drove this old car, and they were able to remove- Luke Caprice.

They were able to remove the rear taillight so that they could snipe from laying in the trunk. And then they just reinsert the taillight and drive off. And it was a real inconspicuous way to commit these like sniper based murders if after that i asked people to call me muhammad and made it like removable taillight like let's admit that i'm like playing up on a recent event in an effort to get attention even if i didn't do anything even if i had nothing but a nerf gun people would be like dude this is fucked this is not a game to play what if you were literally doing that what if you were in parking lots with a nerf gun sniping people with that and then hopping out of the trunk be like it was only there dc sniper

it's a water balloon launcher or something like that. I got you. These things seem really parallel, right? They seem pretty close. Well, I think they're close in the fact that, yeah, I mean, the DC snipers seem to come out at a time when they were really trying to push the whole fear campaign. Because that was a year after 9-11.

Something like that. And, you know, what, a month after 9-11 is when the anthrax shit happened. And all those things to make people very, put people on edge so that they could get you know the legislation passed that they did and you know it's like talking about that the bushmaster ar-15 that the guy was using to to shoot people the bushmaster ar-15 sales went so high you couldn't find one i sold mine because it was worth more because it was a fucking Bushmaster. It was absurd. It was absurd. How would you, one to ten, like I don't really know my AR-15s.

Is a Bushmaster one of the better ones? Mine wasn't. Mine was a carry handle. I paid $600 for it. Used just a basic plain Jane AR-15. I sold it for a grant. AR-15 is the one that looks like an M16 but it's not a machine gun,

right? That's exactly right. Kyle probably has three of them with an arms range. Kyle can probably get one without standing up. If you... Dale Gribble? So here's the rule. You need to keep touching the red couch. How many guns can you reach?

Right? Like you can do this. Two. I thought it was. That's four. Five. Six. I like that one. Just in case.

Oh, that was my RPG. I wanted to show that one. Just in case... Oh, that was my RPG. I wanted to show that too. Seven. That dropped. It's a dummy RPG. Oh, wait. Look at that white thing. Can you turn that on or no? No, not this one.

I don't have the butane. This is my flamethrower. Of course. Just in case. In case you need that to hunt game. For spiders and shit. Hope defense shit I don't have very many well you know they all work for hunting game it just depends how serious you are

in Minecraft if you hunt games with flaming things then they dropped cook beef maybe that happens in real life right you take out a deer with a flamethrower it's ready to eat. That would be disgusting. Why don't more people hunt with handguns? You know what I mean?

Wouldn't it be more adventurous to be out there with a fucking.357 Magnum or something and act like Dirty Harry? You can hunt a deer from 200 yards for the best. Some people do. I've never done it myself, but I've got pistols that would be perfect for it, like a.44 Magnum or something like that. You've got to be close because of the range of a pistol and because of the

sight. I've got a.44 Magnum with a scope on it. Actually, I could probably kill a deer at 50 or 60 yards. Yeah, I could definitely do that. I've got a gun that shoots salt and bugs. It's called bug assault. I think you could prepare a deer with that one.

Get back. This will stink your eyes for a little bit. If you don't like high blood pressure, you're gonna see it. Is that paprika in there, too? Have you been

seasoning with that thing? Yeah. Salt and pepper, bitch. Get back. Curry. Curry.

Yeah, you can't really have guns in California very easily. I've never tried, but I... I don't know. I don't know. I mean, I think it's

I still think that we should be able to have them but I just I don't shoot myself so there's a lot of humps to jump through over there are those a bunch of.50 caliber bullets over your right shoulder yeah alright

just in case you know someone comes in in a tank is there anything interesting about those tips are they incendiary or explosive or they're armor piercing incendiary so not only will they set everything on fire but they'll

shoot through just about anything they got a hardened steel penetrator in there that I think is like 30 caliber caliber, but it's inside of that bullet. It's very hard steel. I don't know what the grade is, but I've recovered them from solid chunks of concrete unblemished, seemingly, after hitting it.

Yeah, those are pretty cool rounds. I got a bunch of those. What are they? Six bucks a shot? What would you estimate? I honestly don't know. I got given so many of them um several years back like several hundred rounds worth that i've just never had to purchase any ever um eventually i'll run out and i have to buy some but yeah probably i wouldn't be surprised if it was 10 bucks around i'm not really sure and something about the nature of bmg shooting at

least when i've done it it's like an event like you if i shoot AR-15, for example, it's bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. You shoot bullets all the time. With this, it's like you line it up. You're doing something special with it. I've never shot back-to-back 50 cals faster than 5, 10 minutes. Like a treat. Yeah, and it's a big boom, and the grass all folds over when you shoot it and stuff. It's pretty cool.

He cleared the block. Everybody go in the house. I'm out here shooting. Man, yeah, I'm a terrible shot. We went to the gun range a couple of times, and I remember they asked me what kind of gun I wanted, and I'm like, I think Tupac uses a 9. So I go with a 9. Yeah and they give me a Glock 9 and I was

I was a terrible shot it was it just made me put me on edge the whole time because it was like the driving range except you could get hurt you could die you know what I mean or you could kill somebody if you shanked one you know what I mean like the driving range is like everybody's gonna look at me like I'm a jackass,

but nobody's going to die. I just felt really uncomfortable, like, where I could fuck up and hurt somebody here. I don't like that environment for, like, a beginning shooter. Like, I guess it's – I just don't. So I've got a lot of land that I can shoot on, and it's really nice just to go out there, and it's just you and like Whatever new shooter I'm shooting with and just be like yeah, all right So we're safe here

Just don't fucking point that thing at me and we'll be all good and you stand in front of me and like all that shit Out there shoot any of it. Yeah, shoot that shoot that I don't fucking care shoot that toilet shoot that tree. Yeah, shoot the bird I don't care. I don't know what that is I don't know if it's family i don't know what that is i don't i don't know his family we're not related i feel like it's a lot more it's it's i know what you're talking about like i i even like if i'm at a range where like everybody's in single file line or you know side by side in those booths and everything i'm like i'm really conscious about the way i conduct conduct myself in in

those scenarios because a you'll look like a jackass right you don't want that you don't you don't want to be the guy who does do the embarrassing thing or the whatever the gun world yeah the thing that may not even be a fatal thing but it might just like look bad to another gun person and they'll think less of you um but but you know, it is dangerous in there. I've seen people do silly shit in there, not on purpose, but just it's an environment full of new shooters. And I've seen, like, people with.50 cal Desert Eagles go boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, and just, like, get carried away and keep pulling the trigger,

and the recoil carries them higher and higher until they're shooting the ceiling. And there's, you know, multiple bullets in the ceiling where this guy just got out of hand. And then, like, you're in a booth, and you'll see bullet holes in the booth. Like, someone had, you know, ranges that way, and they had to do this to hit the booth. Because it's perpendicular to the... We went to a, the first time we went, because we went twice, I remember. And the first time was because my wife had a fucking Groupon. So we went to a gun range.

And I remember, I mean, this place didn't even have, it wasn't even booths. It was just like, it was like, it was like when you go to a carnival and you, like, throw arrows at the little balloons. It was like that. It was just basically a counter. And, you know, pick a spot and start shooting.

Like, it's like, but everybody shoot that way. And, yeah yeah it was just really uncomfortable the gun range faux pas thing is the one that worries like you mentioned that that like social pressure i remember some guy came in he had a semi-auto i don't know what it was i didn't recognize it's ar-15 m4 something or other and uh the range goes cold and people go and like retrieve and put new targets up and stuff and when when that happens, you have to lock your gun open so that visually anybody can see that this thing is not loaded and it's not in a position to fire. It was a new gun to him. He didn't know how to lock it open.

And the, like, safety officers didn't know how to operate that gun either. And it's this big thing and, like, another safety officer comes over and they're all looking at it. And they're all dealing with him, like, shamefully. Like, you've got to know how to operate this thing. He didn't know, and I don't know. I never want to be in that spot. You should know how to operate it. Before you go out with it, yeah.

I guess he just didn't know how to lock it in the open position. That's basic shit. I guess. I don't know. It was a new gun. I didn't know how to keep his thing in the open position guess i don't know it was a new gun i didn't know how to keep his thing you don't go out with a new chick you guys are actually looking at him right now like he was being that dude was being looked at like yeah i mean it's basic i mean it's basic

shit to somebody who can sit in one place and reach and find 17 guns you know what i mean like it's basic shit to you but it's's like, if this is his first gun, it's not, so... I was just empathetic. I was like, I'm glad I'm not him, because neither of these safety officers know how to get this thing to stay in the open position either.

I guess it's hard. Yeah, that's more troubling. The safety officer's not knowing. It's way worse than the guy who was probably like, hey, I need some help with this, and they come over, and they're like, fucking with it,

hoping that they figure it out it hoping as most guns are quick But most guns are really obvious like once you pull them once you've got the bolt in the rear position Like you just kind of look around and there's always a latch There's always a thing right like like you know whatever it may be if you pull this back And it's this this goes up They've all got a thing every one of them's got a thing and it's it's pretty much on every one of them They've all got a thing. Every one of them's got a thing. And it's pretty much the same. Show us on every one of them.

Have you done the 3D printer gun yet? Do you have one of those? I do not. So that's a cool idea. And it's interesting that it's a new way to manufacture your own firearm. But the idea of making your own firearm isn't a new thing. It's just a new thing to the general public and like pop culture in reality it's very much legal for you to make your own guns at home using you know hacksaws and pipes and that sort of thing and as long as they're the

correct dimensions you're all good um you can make your own semi-automatic weaponry at home it's it's that's that's all legal there's ways to do it but. But the idea of just, okay, now I've got a fucking plastic gun that'll go through an x-ray. That's pretty ridiculous. I haven't shot one. Go ahead. I haven't shot one, and I know that they don't have much longevity, or at least early on they definitely didn't

because of the material that the 3D printing was using at the time. But I'm always hearing about breakthroughs where the material's getting better and more versatile. The design, right? It's based on the Liberator? Yes. So you're the one that told me this, but apparently the Liberator was used in France.

Tell me when I make a mistake. Yeah, so we dropped these 45 caliber single shot pistols all over France and they came in this little box and inside the box were some instructions and even a little cartoon and Basically, they were instructing you to walk up to the you know It's not the occupied France walk up to the the Nazi officer Smile at him not shoot him in the head and take his take his machine gun and run and now you've got a real gun

Now you got a real gun and it was this little piece of shit stamped metal and I mean a tiny 45 caliber single-shot pistol But but that's what they modeled that 3d printed gun that got so much publicity off of yeah It's a it's a bad copy of a shitty gun and well There's it's well there's I think there's supposed to be some you know the fact that it's the liberator I think there's supposed to be some meaning to the fact the fact that it's the Liberator. I think there's supposed to be some meaning to the fact that they copied that gun. Or maybe it's just so fucking simple and easy to do

that that was a good one to do. If you get away from the 3D printer thing, shotguns in particular are easy to make. I was even thinking of making one for a video once where they just take two sliding pipes and if you can picture a shotgun shell, I think most people can.

It's got that brass and is it a primer in the back and uh they just put a a pipe that slides into a pipe and there's a nail you just pop it back the nail pierces it and it shoots and uh it's like huh that's like a fully functional shotgun nearly as good as a real shotgun that you could make for eight dollars in parts from home Depot stuff. Guys in prison make guns. I mean, zip guns or whatever. It's not exactly...

I mean... Yeah, guns are... I think guns are... It's almost like... I hate when they vilify a thing instead of, you know, the larger problem. Because it's like guns aren't a problem until they're in the wrong hands

or they're being used to, you know, execute whatever tyranny. And it's like, you know, but it's never, you never look at the, you know, the large problem of, well, why do we have this sort of, you know, whether it's insecurity or distrust between people that causes whatever firearm incident to happen. Instead of, you know, looking, instead of looking at that, you go, no, it's the gun. Just take his gun and then it would have all been fine. Those Columbine kids wouldn't have done anything if they couldn't get their hands on guns. And it's like, yeah, I think they probably, they seem to have enough determination to do what they did. Drive a Cadillac into a crowd and get as many people as they got anywhere. Exactly. It's like, or they were going to build a bomb, or they were going to do something to fuck shit up

because they were where they were at mentally. Start a fire. I think a fire is the way to go. All you need is some chains, some locks, get all the fire exits locked off. You've given this more thought than I have. Kyle, you're a very good murderer. I just made that up, yeah.

Burn the whole place down. Burn it down. Burn it down. I think that'd be really effective. I mean, there'd be a lot of people escaping through the windows. But a lot of people wouldn't. You could shoot them. Those are the ones...

Oh, that's awful. Well... Yeah, it's terrible. It really is. A real low for the show tonight. Yeah, I knew I could do it. I knew I could drag you guys down. Made me feel awful. Here's a question. That's my daughter.

Hope tells you tomorrow that she is pregnant. What do you use to murder the guy? That's kind of a segue. how would i murder the guy oh you wouldn't murder him you i know i know what i'd use being if i can go on yeah go ahead okay uh my penis um i say like on her on madden's ifden's on her first date if you try to take her virginity I'm gonna take yours so decide whether it's worth it or not

take a good look that's how much I love my daughter I'm willing to fuck her first boyfriend for her I think what what you would do woody is you would you would get behind this young man and make him the super version of him because he has to be right um well i suppose at all if i mean gosh i don't want to answer this seriously but right if it's within the context of a loving relationship and stuff like that that changes everything um you know in john's scenario i felt like it wasn't you know yeah there's no there's a lot of hate in that rape

um guttural grunting and just sweat. But yeah. A lot of insults. I've given more thought to murder than probably a healthy person should. It's hard to get away with it. And I think a lot of stuff like, yeah, if I rented a car, I feel like that's very suspicious. If I took my car, I feel like somewhere along the way there'd be some toll booth or something that would catch me. You sure as hell can't bring your phone with you. That's a tracker. You're busted.

It'd be very difficult to travel someplace, especially if it's more than 15 miles away. If you wanted to go to some other state and kill a guy or girl, good luck with that. Even if you just bring all cash, I feel like they'd still track you somehow. Bring all cash, leave your phone at home. If they had a reason to suspect you, which the father of a girl that he recently impregnated, if his parents knew,

if there was a reason to suspect you, then yeah, they're going to be able to figure it out. And you already raped the kid, so they got that on you, too. Exactly. See, you know, they got semen. Your semen is on the kid, so they're going to tie you right to him. But there's always a problem with semen, damn it. Semen brought me down again.

Semen everywhere. Yeah, there was no rape. There was just semen. But if you have a reason that's why i mean most of the time and what is it people people kill people that they know more much more often than not and so it's like that's why it's easier to catch them because it's like well you know woman dies check her boyfriend first you know kid dies check the parents first whatever and it's uh you know that trump recently worked their way out retreated retweeted this stat like black black people killed all these black people black people kill all these white people and cops hardly kill anyone it turns out white keep white people kill

white people and as you know it was explained to me it explained to me that makes perfect sense because people tend to kill people close to them. It's often family members and lovers and stuff like that. That's why whites kill whites and black people kill black people. I didn't want to call them blacks. Blacks always sounds bad.

Blacks feels bad. I don't even like that. The blacks kill the blacks. I can say with whites i'm clear what if you say what if what is the singular oh yeah it was a black oh god this is even worse right even worse right same word we just we just changed it from plural singular now it's awful right yeah the cops say that they're like you hear i've heard that all the time like on tv that it's like you know you know, we're looking for a male black, you know, in his 30s, 6'4", you know, whatever. It's like they always say it like that singular.

So, yeah, it sounds pretty awful. I think if you switch it, it's better, though, a black male. Yeah, definitely so. Yeah, I feel like that's okay. But then they make him a person. Dark-skinned male. That's what you should go to. That's PC right there.

What if he's Indian or Native American Indian? There's lots of dark skin. Well, then he fits the bill. I just feel like if he's black. We're looking for a dark-skinned male, possibly of, you know. He could be Mexican or something. Well, yeah, I think. I can tell the difference between a Mexican and a black guy. But if you say dark skin, I think the hair's a dead giveaway.

But if you say dark skin, I'm saying it's too general. Look at somebody like David Ortiz. He's Dominican or something. Yeah, and I mean, you know, like throughout the Central America and the Caribbean.

You can't tell the difference between a Dominican and a black person. Yeah, you just can't. So it's just like, well, you know. Dominicans are black people. He's just a dark dude. I'm just saying, black skin. Oh, what did you say? Dark skin. It's too broad.

Dark skin doesn't do it for me. What if that's all you got? They could be Middle Eastern. That counts. And if you find a Middle Eastern guy wearing a white hoodie, that's all you got? They could be Middle Eastern. That counts. We're still looking. And if you find a Middle Eastern guy wearing a white hoodie, that's probably fucking him because there was a dark-skinned guy with a white hoodie that went running in the bushes. So if you find a dark-skinned any kind of guy, it's probably him.

I'm saying your description's not tight enough. You can do better. I'm just saying it's not a fucking ginger. We know it's not a ginger. No, no. It was a dark-skinned male. That's what we have to go on. But if I said non-ginger male, I'm not narrowing it down as much as I could have.

I didn't test his fucking genome, Woody. I don't know what part of the world he hails from. I don't know where his ancestors left the African continent. I'm just saying that in a situation like this, black male works, or Middle Eastern male works, or white male works. Fair enough. Yeah, I mean, it's... Yeah, come on. I mean, if somebody ran

into the bushes... I don't know. Somewhere in this, I got offended. Yeah, usually there's somebody guilty in the bushes. Now that I'm offended, I'm in a position of power. I'll be extracting apologies out of all of you. Oh, did you see... I guess that whole thing went down

in Chicago with the protests, but they were peaceful, the people that were protesting last night in the cold. Oh, because the cop shot a guy. Yeah, that 17-year-old kid was shot 14, 15, 16 times, something like that. It's all on video. They're indicting the cop on first-degree murder charges. I'm torn on that. People who have watched this show for a long time know sometimes I side with the cops

and sometimes I don't. Here's a situation where the guy had a knife he was within that like 21 foot halo of dangerous um i i heard he's high on pcp but he was using the knife to vandalize he had cut tires he um he didn't look he didn't take like a threatening lunge or action a cop just decided to open fire the cop didn't have a tas threatening lunge or action. A cop just decided to open fire. The cop didn't have a taser, which probably would have been a better first choice. Yeah.

And I don't know if that makes, I don't know if he's a fuck up for not having a taser. Was running away and getting back in his car not an option? It totally was. Yeah, the guy, they kind of, there were a lot of police there because I saw the video. There were, I'm going to make up a number, like five police cars, you know, in the area. So one might guess like eight police.

I don't know. And one of the cops decided to shoot a lot. I don't want to get my number wrong, but there might have been, there was like 12 to 17 shots. Does anyone know? 14 to 16. It's somewhere in there. 14 to 16. I don't remember which. Okay. Yeah, yeah. but there might have been 12 to 17 shots. Does anyone know? You were shooting him after he laid down. 14 to 16. It's somewhere in there. 14 to 16.

I don't remember which. Okay. Yeah, yeah. And it seemed like two shots and he was down. And then, you know, another 10, 12 shots. When would 14 to 16 shots at one guy be necessary? When you're shooting something other than human like like a chupacabra i mean a guy who has a knife you shot him 16 times i just yeah now knives are really dangerous i'm

not saying that you can never shoot a guy using a knife but the i just i saw this guy and it didn't there was never that like shooting impetus, like reaching for something. The thing that would make it, now it's go time. I'm watching you, I've got my eye on you. All right, if you tell me to get my hands up. I saw the one you're talking about. If you tell me to put my hands up and I suddenly reach for my cell phone,

I kind of cut you some slack. Even though I was unarmed and stuff, compliance is important. You can't be like, put your hands up. Reaching for my wallet inside my coat. Bad timing, dude. It's partly your responsibility for this shooting. This guy is somewhere in between on that.

He had a knife in his hand, but also it wasn't like he cocked it into some sort of ready position or anything um and the amount of shots i get when you decide to shoot you shoot for kill etc etc you know no one shoots to wound but i don't know it does seem like it hurts the policeman's case to shoot that many times it definitely does like yeah and i'm always that's that shows signs of like an adrenaline rush from them. Most of these guns I've got here don't even hold that many fucking bullets.

Okay? I gotta go to this special one here to get that much firepower. Is that a Glock 17? Yeah. But when you say most of these guns, it's just... I mean, that over there kills a fucking hundred rounds, but... Yeah, I was gonna say say there's some rifles nearby like at what point does uh shooting at one guy with a knife in the over 10 times where does that fall under to protect and serve so it's completely excusable

in his case because there wasn't that like oh oh shit, here he comes kind of moment. But like, you know, if you're holding the gun and the guy's coming at you like Jason from the fucking scary movies, I'm not going to squeeze off five and see if he's okay. I'm going to be so terrified. I bet my adrenaline's going and I'm just going, ah, and squeezing as fast as I possibly fucking can. Did you mean completely inexcusable? Or completely excusable? I think you said...

Inexcusable what he did, because that's obviously murder. But if a guy's coming at me with a knife, and I hear you shot him 15 times, I'd be like, yeah, I guess you were out of bullets then, huh? You didn't reload then, eh? You're not taking a shot

and thinking after every one, like, is he good? That's one. Is he good? That's two. The thing is, no, because I think one, like, is he good? That's one. Is he good? That's two. No, because I think that, okay, a cop,

a police officer, takes an oath to protect and serve. They're supposed to. And if you're shooting, you've taken an oath to protect that guy as well. The guy who's trying to stab you, who's on BTV, unfortunately, you've taken an oath to also protect him. And so shooting him 16 times doesn't mean, it means that you really had

no concern for his welfare either. Because unfortunately, the laws do apply to everybody, either because it unfortunately the laws do apply to everybody whether you're a criminal or not and it's it's just it's overkill it's just too much yeah in that situation the cop was totally wrong like he there the guy wasn't running at him with a knife he like oh i didn't have a taser well then maybe one of the other seven cops there maybe one of them had a taser i have a hunch like or shoot the guy in the leg shoot him in the leg and i i can you just incapacitate him i mean there maybe one of them had a taser i have a hunch like one of them could have done that or shoot the guy in the leg shoot him in the leg and i i can you just incapacitate him i mean did you have to that's not something really open assault on him yeah but they but that's just it it's to protect and serve like they're supposed to be people who just maintain order my ricochet

went off your kneecap and take Granny out down the road or something. The cops, I don't know if you've read Rise of the Warrior Cop. If you haven't, check it out sometime. It traces the evolution of sort of the constable up until, sorry. You have to turn your camera back. Yeah, it's coming, I got it. There we go. But it traces the evolution of the, you know,

the old sort of constable local policeman who was there to protect and serve to the now, I mean, where they have an arsenal. You know, I mean, cops have tanks. A lot of them are ex-military, so I feel like they just are carrying on their military career in the civilian population, and that has gone too far. Yeah.

Like, usually it seems like there's a little more story to these kinds of shootings where it's like oh unarmed person shot by cops and it's like okay well let's see what actually happened here and watch your pan out this one seems pretty cut and dry of the cop being totally in the wrong like he yeah i feel like there's an 80 20 thing i mean the guy was high on pcp with a knife in his hand he He was, and he was a menace, but he wasn't making a direct, aggressive act towards the cop. Like, yeah, he should have been tased.

Should have given him a couple volts of that, probably more than one or two, because PCP tends to make people borderline invincible. But if you don't have the taser, hop back in your giant armored Suburban. Like, he's not going to stab through that right i mean you have uh you have an entire force behind you that's you know should be able to

protect it and plus you you know your job's dangerous you took an oath to participate in a dangerous job and okay so if you're going to deal with that sort of guy you can't lose it you can't lose it and just unload into him. Can you guys see me? I can't see you. I can see you. I can only see John. Let's call back real quick. I'll just hang up and call back. Everyone's reading this.

Here we go. Hang up on Chiz. This will work itself out in a minute. Is Chiz back home yet, or is he transit? Chiz is back home. He's back home, yeah, yeah. All right.

At least this cop shooting won't have that huge, you know, I guess debacle of whether or not it was excusable, like most of them do. Like some asshole will be like, he deserved it, he was on drugs. Well, you wait, he could get off. See, he's been charged with murder, but he'll have the, what is it, the PBA,

the Policeman's Benevolence Association, lawyers defending him. He'll say, look, he was a cop in the line of duty. This guy was on PCP, excuse excuse me with a knife in his hand and he could get off this guy's not getting off no no way really the mayor's already called this guy he's like clearly you got an officer here not doing the right thing not following protocol and you know and and the justice system's gonna handle it and punish him like they're already writing this guy off like like he's. They're protesting about it in Chicago,

despite how cold it is, so you know they're taking it pretty serious. I think we talked about that on PGA. I was like, I don't think it'll be a big deal because it's very cold out right now. Very fucking cold. Yeah, that kind of protest is more of a warm weather activity. Yeah, if this happened in Miami,

it'd be all over the place. Bloodbath. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know um i mean rodney king guys got off when there was a tape so uh-huh that's true yeah you know who knows yeah it was a real beating that was just a it was just a it was like obvious that's why the whole thing blew up it was like it's like over. It was the one time where people were like, see what we're talking about? Look.

That looks like someone pantomiming a beating. It looks so ridiculous. He's just drawing his arm all the way back, almost cartoonishly. I almost remember one guy double-fisting the baton while he did it. I feel like that's happened. He said, I haven't beaten one this bad

in a long time did he say that really yeah did he really yeah i feel like that's happened 10 000 times since then i feel like so much bad evidence in that and it was it was it was a powder keg it seems like so long as you yell stop resisting while you do it, you're in the clear. Do they teach that in, like, policeman baton courses? Like, you know, what do you say while you beat the perp? Stop resisting. Stop resisting. What do you say when you shoot the perp? Stop reaching for my gun.

Stop reaching for my gun. Yeah. Well, that's what saved Lee Harvey Oswald for an extra two days was when he got arrested in that movie theater, he kept yelling, I am not resisting arrest, so that everybody else in the theater looked and, like, the cop, because most people think that the cop probably would have taken him out there. He had already killed the cop supposedly that day, so they weren't too happy. Yeah, supposedly. Oh, yikes. So who do you think did it? Do you think that, all right, so was it the VP?

Was he working against Kennedy? Or was it the Russians? Was it the Cubans? Was it the mob? Mob's my favorite conspiracy theory. Well, I think when you distinguish and make the mob and the CIA and the FBI different organizations, that's where you kind of lose the point. All right.

They're all working for the same. They're all together. So Oswald worked for the CIA. They're all the same organization. Yes, he worked for the FBI too. He was also an FBI informant. And he'd worked in Russia. He was a spy over there, from what I understand.

Yeah, they have record of him. He had defected, or tried to defect, to Russia in 1959. Back and to the left. Yeah, back and to the left. Will we ever know? Will it be released in my lifetime? Will we ever know? Will it be released in my lifetime?

It was supposed to be released 75 years after Lyndon Johnson's death, his files. Now, I don't think anybody – I don't think you're ever going to know from the source that you want to know from. The guilty parties aren't going to say, it was me, you know, I did it. They're not going to do it. So it's just like you're not going to get a satisfactory conclusion to it. But you can look at all the evidence and, you know, like what's-his-face from Texas said, we already do know what happened.

We just have to be willing to look at the evidence. Do you believe that his head wound was doctored with on Air Force One on the way back? You know, I'm open to anything that makes sense. I've also heard, there's a really good documentary, it's three hours long, called JFK to 9-11, Everything is a Rich Man's Trick. Horrible title, great documentary though. He talks about how J.D. Tippett, the cop, was actually a doppelganger for JFK and that because they needed a corpse that had the right

whatever bullet trajectories basically yeah you know basically the guy that they buried in Arlington Cemetery was J.D. Tippett and that's why the president's brain is missing and all that shit

what it is is that if any one of those things isn't true or and that's why the president's brain is missing and all that shit. What it is is that if any one of those things isn't true or is true, it's just there's too many coincidences that occur within, you know, on that day in that sort of, in that circumstance that make it all like you can't just eat the official story. I mean, what I think happened is is oswald was probably a guy who let people into the texas school book depository because he had a job there but he didn't shoot anybody um he just let uh i mean there was one fingerprint found in the sniper's nest and that was from malcolm mcwallis and And Malcolm McWallace was a hitman for LBJ.

He killed LBJ's sister for him. I mean, he was that, and they found his fingerprint on one of the boxes in the sniper's nest at the Texas School Book Depository. I just think that it was all interested parties. I think it was probably the people who had the most to lose financially from JFK's presidency who put it in motion. And then guys like Hoover and LBJ and Allen Dulles were more than willing to put it into effect for him. My thing's always been that's some real fancy shooting for one guy to do.

That's a lot going on there. With a real shitty rifle there. It's like an Italian... Man, look at their Carcano. It was an Italian rifle that was used in World War II and it was called the...

The Italians used to joke and call it the Humanitarian's Gun. Because you could walk right up to somebody and shoot them and it still wouldn't it wouldn't hurt them like it was just so powerless they also found a really good rifle up there in the on the sixth floor um it was a um why am i why am i losing the the name of it uh it but they even announced it on the news early on and uh um in the do like after it happened uh but it was a uh i'll look it up but uh it's it was a really powerful it was a it was

a for real rifle and they just sort of mulled that over and said, no, no, we were wrong. It was a Mann-Lichter-Carcano. It's this one. I've got a conspiracy theory that I kind of buy. For 9-11, I think we might have shot down that Pennsylvania plane. One had hit the Pentagon. Two had hit the pentagon two had hit the twin towers um apparently they scrambled jets from dc that could have got there with plenty of time to be the shooter the the wreckage of it

was spread out enough whereas if it actually just crashed into the ground it would all be in pretty much one spot but there were like leaflets and shit that you know spread over the course of miles broke up at altitude. Yep, yep. I remember something about... What do you think happened at Building 7? I don't know. I don't know. Whenever I say Building 7 is really suspicious, there's somebody who understands this stuff better than me

that says it makes sense. Oh, man, come on. I mean, that's just... For people that don't know... To think that office fires on the top floor would make it crumble like a like a controlled demolition. That's just man. Come on. I mean, we can't afford to all be like, I don't just be like, oh, well, you know, you're a smart guy. You're a reasonable guy. You haven't you probably haven't spent the obsessive time that maybe somebody like me would.

People say you're too smart of a guy to look at it and go, that's bullshit. There's a really good Popular Mechanics the people who made Loose Change those people, they had a debate on some forum or another where the editor-in-chief

and some other dude from Popular Mechanics like experts in civil engineering debated the loose change people and all the little you know quips that the loose change people had of oh you know the fuel wouldn't burn hot enough to do this and this and this and this would have to happen and why did it uh collapse in this formation and whatnot and you know it was only like an hour and a half long thing maybe but the popular mechanics guys the civil engineers they had answers to everything like they would be like well the reason for that is because of this principle and this is why this happens and you can see this executed here here and here as well a bunch of youtubers have tested you looked into it like

those popular mechanics guys i i mean they didn't answer a lot mean, they didn't answer a lot of questions. They didn't answer a lot of shit. I mean, there's another documentary. I mean, Luthor's Change was very good, but there's another documentary called The New Pearl Harbor that's five and a half hours long. Jesus. Its entire purpose is to refute the debunkers from the Popular Mechanics article. The people who are, you know, there's a 45-minute documentary this guy did.

It was just a, he was a scientist. It was like, I mean, who just did tests on the dust to find out what the explosive was that was used. This guy, he lost his career over it because he was vilified and fired by the university that he worked for. But these

people don't have anything to gain by what they're telling you. Popular Mechanics does. They might, but I just don't have anything to gain by what they're telling you. Popular Mechanics does. They might, but I just don't understand why the theatrics of it, just because it easily could have been the terrorists found their way into the building and planted these bombs to make it be a controlled demolition, but their control, and they did this and that.

Why add all the loose potential threads to the planes? They potential they did that right they did that the first time does it make sense for the for people for for you know guys in a cave in pakistan to have all of this sort of privileged access to the buildings when there was there was time in in the weeks leading up to 9-11 when they did shut down all the security cameras, they shut down all the alarms, they shut down all the sensors. And I mean, it just so happens that the guy who, the security company that was in charge of security for the World Trade Center was Bush's brother. I mean, his company, his company was in charge of security.

It's like JFK. There's too many coincidences, just too many for you to go, you know, the official story. I mean, I wanted to believe it too, I guess, but it's man. I do. I believe that the Jets took the two big things down. I can sort of see a world where the top of the building...

They crumble like that? The top of the building drops a story or two because the steel beams don't melt, but they weaken from the fire. The whole thing drops and that sends a shockwave all the way from top to bottom that makes the thing fall. I can kind of get on board with that.

Building 7, I don't understand. Well, yeah, it takes a while to weaken the way from top to bottom that makes a thing fall. I can kind of get on board with that. An hour later? Building 7, I don't understand. Well, yeah, it takes a while to weaken the beams, right? I mean, this is one jet. It's one jet. But you saw the flame keep going. The engineers who designed the building said that

this is impossible. I mean, hundreds and hundreds of scientists have come out i mean who refute every it's just impossible for them to both to know i'm sorry y'all three to crumble like like i mean they fell into their own footprint at at free fall speed. I mean, that means like if you put a – if like the top of the buildings were massively heavy, like if you took that 2,500-pound thing that you had today and put it on top of like a styrofoam cups stack, it dropped like that. It dropped like you –

Like there's no resistance. Like there's no resistance whatsoever. All right, so who's pulling the strings? Who's behind this global conspiracy to control us by operating these puppeted politicians, these marionettes, if you will, to enslave the human population? For what goal?

Lockheed Martin is doing it, perhaps, to a military-industrial complex? You're going back to the... Sure, sure. I think it's whoever has something to gain by what they've done. Cheney had all those Hal Burton options. It's no coincidence that... Are these global forces or national forces?

There was a group, there was a think tank called the Project for a new american century that uh... was everywhere right wing republican uh... think tank that uh... uh... you know it was in the late nineties uh... and they were they drew up all this shit that they wanted to to put into effect but they said that the odds of them being able to put that into effect were very slim

except for uh... in the case of a new Pearl Harbor, quote, new Pearl Harbor. And it just so happens that they win a very controversial election in 2000, go into office in January 2001. This happens in September 2001, and then a month later, all of this legislation that's been drawn up for a long time gets to be put into effect, which is the Patriot Act, which takes away two of the ten Bill of Rights.

I mean, illegal search and seizure, it's gone now. It's just, you know, habeas corpus and shit like that. It's gone. And it's because of this. And this shit doesn't happen because some pissed-off Arabs got a hold of some planes. Some pissed-off Arabs who, you know, of the 19 hijackers, like, half of them have been found alive. They're not even, they didn't even do it. You know, it's, those guys are, I mean,

it's just, we're just being taken for a ride by somebody. Do I know who? No. But there are, but you know what, that's because I don't have the memory for it there's actually a there's another documentary that actually names names and actually goes down the list of where they were what they did what they had to gain and i i wish i could tell you the name of it it was uh but go to youtube there's just a there's a wealth of information about it. It's staggering.

It really is. And I don't mean to be like a dick just to be a dick because I just want to believe conspiracies because I don't. I just think that there's a lot of shit at work that they don't want you to think is at work. Real quick, what's the name of the five and a half hour one? The new Pearl Harbor. shit at work that they don't want you to think is at work. Wait, real quick. What's the name of the five-and-a-half-hour one? The new Pearl Harbor. The new Pearl Harbor.

The Kennedy assassination, 9-11. Are there any other conspiracy theories, or maybe not a few in your eyes? I think it's research. It's people who are willing to go, okay, what about this? Ask questions. Yeah, Vietnam is very similar. The Gulf of Tonkin never happened.

That's why we went to war in Vietnam, was because supposedly a Japanese submarine attacked a ship in the Gulf of Tonkin, and we're like, you know, they've got the country to go, yeah, let's kill them. Did we sink the Lusitania too? Oh, I don't know. We sent it in those waters on purpose, though.

I've heard that. I have no idea about that one at all. No, I've heard that. I have no idea about that one. No, I've heard that before, that we sort of sent ships into danger knowing that at one point or another they'd get one. You got the German U-boats cutting off England from any supplies, and then you send a fucking passenger ship right into the shipping lane. And then I heard the Lusitania did have stuff on it.

Like military supplies. We were doing what they said. Look up Operation Northwoods on a Google search and you'll find it was a plan by the U.S. government during the Kennedy administration

and Kennedy was the only reason that it got shut down. It was a plan to basically do what they did on 9-11, which was they wanted to invade Cuba. So they concocted this plan to take passenger jetliners and replace them with military drones and attack U.S. targets so that people would think that it was Cuba coming after them. And in reality, it was America coming after itself

so America could invade Cuba. Yeah, I didn't know about Operation Northwoods, but there's a Wikipedia page on it. Yeah, it's Dwindy classified. I mean, it's real shit. I've got a lot of Googling to do. Yeah, and like I said, I don't mean to just be like, you know, I want to be spiteful.

No, this is fun. And it is. It's really interesting, and it's fucking... I'm always just trying to find new shit, because it is. It's really interesting, and it's fucking – I'm always just trying to find new shit because it is. It's almost like a living soap opera because it's interesting. Don't you think Bernie Sanders wouldn't do this and Trump and Clinton both would? I think they all would when they're shown the secret room. I think John F. Kennedy wouldn't do it.

John F. Kennedy wouldn't do it john f kennedy wouldn't do it and apparently not he was he was rich enough to um to refuse you know he bribes or whatever they couldn't they couldn't buy him they couldn't buy his brother and brave enough away with him they just killed him i mean i mean the guy who been in war. The guy's ship was sunk. He swam back home or something ridiculous like that, saved some other dude. PG-109, he was like the – I guess he was captain of that ship. There's a lot of – there could have been some embellishment on that story. I've heard some of the details were romanticized.

Sure. Having said that. His dad did a lot with that. His dad was a rich guy. And his dad did a lot to get his son into office. There's some core stuff in there that everybody agrees, which is like the boat really was sank. He really did have to swim for quite some time.

And it was a scary thing that might have made him look at some threat from the mafia in a different way like you know oh the mafia dude i've seen some shit uh yeah you know yeah he was very he kind of was almost like tupac where he knew he was gonna die young and so he was he had his he was like he was like his favorite poem was rendezvous with death he he just kind of knew he had he'd been sick he had addison's disease he was in pain every day so he really he knew something was coming at some point he knew he was a marked man there was a there was actually a plot in miami i think three or four days before he got shot in dallas that got shut down. That's why he lived every day like it was his last.

A little Marilyn Monroe reference. Terrible life advice. He actually had a conscience. He delivered a speech. Not when it came to women. He delivered a speech at a... Yeah, of course.

His wife also was... She's okay with it. she just looked the other way um but uh he delivered a speech at american university where it's just he you could see that he had just come around to the idea of a peace and like we shouldn't get be into this arms race we should be in a peace race and it was a really really powerful speech and it's like you can tell that did him in it was like him wanting to work against people who's who made money off of you know war and um you know there's there's people who put money in they invest in both sides you know it's been going on since world war one you know, there's people who put money in. They invest in both sides.

You know, it's been going on since World War I. You know, there's stock people, fucking Henry Ford, you know, guys like that who just fund both sides. And it's like, hey, whichever one comes out, I come out ahead either way. And those are puppet masters. Those are people who are just at the top and how do you become a puppet master i'd like to apply for that gig it seems like you wind up just fine can i yeah can i invest somehow in both syria i'm sorry nobody's fucking with you turkey and russia if you're yeah

if you're a puppet master it's just it's like yeah yeah If that's your job description, you're living well. Because what do you mean? Nobody's going to fuck with you. Can we all agree that we've been to the moon? Nah. No? You know what? I've heard differing stories.

In some ways, I believe that we have, and it's different from the story they gave us. And then I also believe that, you know, it's possible that we haven't, and they staged the whole thing. I don't know. I don't trust the official story about anything. I wish that they could get the, like, telescope technology good enough that you could see it. It is. It is good enough. There's pictures online.

Oh, mine's not good enough anyway. I have a decent telescope. I mean, it was literally hundreds of dollars. See, there's actually, you know, people who seem to, I mean, they feel like they have evidence that basically the moon isn't the barren rock that they've made it out to be. That it's actually got – it's like a little earth almost. Like where it's got water. It's got grass.

It's got an atmosphere. And it just – you know. Really? Because I – That's just – I don't think that's true. And I'll tell you why. That it's a little earth up

there i feel like if you had i'm with you i'm not saying it's right i'm just saying i'm yeah i feel like my telescope's not worth hundreds of dollars but i have a three thousand dollar rifle scope and i can see the fucking craters yeah people up there, my telescope is great. Or atmosphere. It's a Celestron. I don't know. I don't know. It's a Celestron 5 or something like that. I want to read about that. Like, what's the theory that it has?

There's a, you know, it was a documentary on YouTube that I want to say was about an hour long. It was about, basically, it was just like saying that, you know, almost like sort of the puppet masters, the power elite, are keeping the moon as almost their separate safe haven to go to like another planet that they can use up because we're fucking this one up and they don't want to tell anybody about it because they don't want to get crowded. I think that one might be false.'t want to tell anybody about it because they don't want to get crowded i think that one might be false i want to get crowded like i'm just going to show up on my

spaceship but they make a good case but they make a good case but i can see it from my yard but the thing is is why believe why believe the official story any more than that one because here's the thing. If what you're suggesting would require one of three things. Either the base is on the dark side of the moon, it's underground, or what we've been looking at for all these years is some sort of hologram technology.

But we've been looking at the people who have been drawing the fucking moon for hundreds of years, so that one's out. And the dark side of the moon will be all dark and cold. The dark side of the moon? But you're basing your evidence And the dark side of the moon will be all dark and cold. The dark side of the moon. But you're basing your evidence on the dark side of the moon on what? What evidence?

I mean, what do you know about the dark side of the moon? I know that it would have to be cold there. Forgive me for being stupid. Does the same side of the moon always face us? But all of your evidence on the moon has been given to you by essentially one source. But I can see the light side of the moon. It looks light. It does, but I don't know. I'm not a scientist, – I don't know. I don't know. I'm not a scientist.

I don't know. Yeah, but there's a lot of scientists out there who, like, I would say they're pretty set in their ways. Like, there's no way that every astronomer out there is – they're like, hey, you just keep peddling this, you know, that other side of the moon? It's a fucking fantasy land over there. It's crazy. Like, we already have a second

Playboy Mansion built up there. It's gonna be great. You guys all get a spot. Just make sure that all that you tweet about is how great weed is and stuff, and don't mention anything about the moon, you know? Like, if it looks like a moon and smells like a moon and has for hundreds of thousands of years, I'd...

I think it's more like... That's too big of a conspiracy. I've maybe... of a conspiracy. Maybe I've gone further down the rabbit hole than I need to. But I'll say this. This is one train of thought that I thought was very...

It was very interesting. All of this shit does sound crazy. It just does. Because most people, you know, we just want to get along, man. You just want to get through the day. You want to eat well. Find somebody to love.

You just want to get through life. You don't want to fuck with anybody. You don't want to be fucked with. And all of it sounds crazy to the to the average normal person but the people who are doing these things are fucking insane i mean they're out of their minds i don't think that any of it sounds super super crazy until the moon thing like the rest of it is like there's enough people out there. Yeah. I'm with Taylor on that actually.

Building 7, right? I don't know why. These buildings are stone and glass or cement and glass and then the flames somehow jumped across the street and made it burn straight down. It just defies my uneducated logic. JFK and the magic bullet and this and that and the bad gun there's enough

questions there that i think well maybe my biggest question with that one is hey that that shot's real hard to make like like you're telling me one guy did all that shooting when it seems like it makes a lot more sense if you place at least one more shooter either on that grassy knoll area or maybe in a drainage thing or in a different building or in the same building right next to shooter one i think that i spend a lot of attention to i think i spend a lot of attention area or maybe in a drainage thing or in a different building or in the same building right next to Shooter 1. A thing that I spend a lot of attention to, a thing I spend a lot of attention to, in all aspects of life and business and whatever,

is I look at motives. And there are so many motives for the JFK thing. Whether it be a Cuba thing or a mafia thing or whatever. He wanted to end the federal... What is it? The Fed. He wanted to get rid of the Fed is it, the Fed. Sir? He wanted to get rid of the Fed.

Yes. So there's so many motives out there, like the JFK thing, maybe. The 9-11 thing, I don't know, especially Building 7. What was the other one? Oh, Vietnam.

The Pennsylvania flight thing. The timing all works on that. Even if 9-11 was everything they told us it was, you know, attackers from the Middle East and more uh we could have still shot down the pennsylvania thing as a legitimate self-defense measure and just not wanted the political repercussions of making a hard call like that and then um but the moon thing i think you're on your own there. And I understand that. And I mean, if you ever get – because I believed that we landed on the moon myself up until maybe a year ago. What happened to you? I just started – I just started – look, I just started going down the rabbit hole.

Just looking at stuff like, you know, whether it's, it started with JFK. I was a JFK buff at first. And it went JFK and 9-11 and the moon and fucking Watergate. And it just, it's like, holy shit, this world's fucked up. And it really does, it kind of, it just, it brings down a lot of your images, but it's, it's just, it's interesting. And for somebody who just, you know, I've gotten to a point where I just, I'm aggressively pursuing knowledge, you know, just to, just because I like to know about the world I'm in. And I love history and I love to trace things back to the world. You need to find a way to harness your celebrity.

Get in on one of those White House what do they have, the press dinner? You need to get in there and you need to just get a sharp thing and just get Obama and be like, tell me. He doesn't know shit. Comedian John Caparulo tragically falls down downstairs at White House.

It'll be less believable. Falls upstairs. The moon's not real. Do we know where Dick Cheney's hanging out these days? Maybe in some sort of sulfurous volcano or something like that? Because he probably knows. I mean...

Here's a better question that I didn't think I would be asking, but which one have you researched of all these theories that you researched it and then you found out, like not of the ones we've included, but you just came to the conclusion of, okay, this is not a conspiracy. This is actually what they reported.

Like anything like that that's jumped out at you? None of it. It's like it it really it's all plausible it's like yeah it's like okay we're all kind of just given a set of facts like you have this tv or whatever your newspapers do whatever that sort of control the information that comes into you. And they, you know, you base your opinion on those events based on that. Now, if those institutions are controlled by the same people, which they largely are, then you have reason to suspect, well, why would they do that? Would they have something to gain by doing that?

Is that... And, like I said, I don't claim to know. It's like the whole God thing. I don't claim to know what happened in any of these things, but I do think that the official versions are bullshit. And I

don't... I just don't... I don't trust the people giving them to us anymore I think it's not for a lot of these it's not like everything they give you is horse shit and it's all the other way I think there's quite a bit of if these conspiracy theories are even

calling them conspiracy theories it already puts an aura of craziness on it kind of like an othering but there is a gray area, I think, where it's like, you know, with 9-11. There was some suspicious stuff on that, for sure, which is why it's been such a big deal with the conspiracy theory people.

But I don't think that everything would be false. Like, the best way to lie to people is truth and then a little bit of lie. A full-fledged lie. You're not going to convince as many people as leading them along with truths and then you sneak something in at the end. It just seems like if they were trying to trick you, they would include a lot

of truth there to lead you up to it and then accept it. I don't mean to be on a soapbox about any of this. I'm sorry to cut you off. I just I think you guys are three, I mean, from what I've gained over the past four hours, you guys are intelligent guys. So if you ever decide that you want to take the time to look at this stuff,

I think you draw your own conclusions. But I don't think you would think that way if you really said, okay, I'm going to get into this shit. That is possible. Here's the thing. So I'm with you on 9-11 and JFK, I think. I think there's something there with 9-11.

Something. I don't know why, but something doesn't smell right. The JFK thing, I think there's definitely something bad that happened there. The moon we definitely landed on, although we had plenty of reasons to fake it. And I watched this whole documentary about

how they would have gotten, what's his name, that did a clockwork orange in 2000. Stanley Kubrick. Stanley Kubrick to fake it. And I've watched all that shit and I believe Stanley Kubrick probably could have pulled it off pretty well, but I don't think he did. I don't believe Bigfoot or the Loch Neck Monster or any of that shit, but when it comes to big governments or those in power perhaps manipulating the public, we've seen time and time again when we do get to see

a little peek behind the curtain that they are up to shit like that. False flag operations have been going on. The Nazi party was started with a false flag operation. They set a fire in the Reichstag They blamed it on fucking communists, and that was a key moment in the rise of the Nazi power Operation paperclip area that I have heard that yeah, yeah, that was that that's how we started the CIA and and NASA, which was after World War II, there were members of the Nazi Party that the U.S. conveniently changed their file

from Nazi to not Nazi. Totally. I mean, we needed those V2 rockets. We brought them in, Scientists and also intelligence experts. And those intelligence experts started the CIA. It used to be the OSS before World War II. They started the CIA under Truman. And so the CIA was started by Nazis, or with the help largely of Nazis. So it's, um,

it's, you have every reason to suspect that the, the same lineage is, you know, affecting our world now. One of the things I've been trying to get in, I feel like the Iraq war, the second, the second one in particular was started on a lie.

And, you know, the, the whole weapons of mass destruction, the fact that, you know, oh, my bad, we just had some faulty intelligence. We really thought there were weapons of mass destruction when we had no evidence, zero.

And I can prove that we had zero evidence because there were no weapons of mass destruction. There wouldn't be evidence if there... And the other thing is, that kind of lends credence to it is, now it's just generally accepted and known and admitted by the government that Vietnam was started on a lie. But is it pronounced Gulf of Talkaton? Gulf of Tonkin.

Tonkin. Yeah. Gulf of Tonkin. They said that some people don't know that what the impetus to really get into Vietnam and make it a war was they shot down. I'm sorry. They sunk one of our ships. But that actually is a completely fictionary event based on nothing.

Tens of thousands or hundreds of thousands of people died over that, and it's crazy to think that we would only do that once. The idea that we could have done it in Iraq, like, oh no, but it's unfathomable that we did it 10 years ago, I think is naive.

I don't recall how many Vietnamese we killed, but it seems like 50-something thousand U.S. It was 50-something thousand Americans, but it was like in the... They estimate it could be in the millions for Vietnamese, yeah. Killed a lot of them. A lot of Vietnamese people. It's a lot of death.

All based... All started on a lie. Right. Democracy is non-negotiable. And, yeah, it's just, you know, it's one of those things, it's like instead of watching Game of Thrones, instead of watching Tits and Dragons, I've started watching conspiracy shit.

And I just, I think that you guys are just as capable of drawing your own conclusions very intelligently, just like I have. I hear you. I really like Kits and Dragons. I never want to preach to anybody and tell them this is how it is. Because, look, man, your world is your world. But I, you know, I just, sorry, I just, I watch too much. No, no, I like hearing about this shit.

Too far down the rabbit hole. Too many things that I'm like, that could be. We need a Tits and Dragons t-shirt. Let us know in the comments box. Would you buy a Tits and Dragons t-shirt? Would you buy

two Tits and Dragons? Yeah. I like the conspiracy theory stuff it's just i i don't know when i it's almost like cognitive dissonance because like when i if i watch one video like on youtube that's about it and it's like convincing me one way on it i'm like oh my god i am so there you know what these bastards and then it'll bastards, and then it'll be like, debunking the title of this video, and I'm like, okay, well I'll go here. I've done that. And then I'm like, oh, well those other

bastards were trying to trick me. Three JFK documentaries in a row, and like, after the first one, I was like, those sons of bitches. And then the second one came on, I was like, it wasn't those sons of bitches after all, it was the other sons of bitches, and I watched the third one and it was like, oh, those sons of bitches after all? It was the other sons of bitches. And I watched the third one, and it was like, oh, so it was just Lee Harvey Oswald.

Oh, okay. All right. I don't even think that's controversial. I think most people don't think it was just Lee Harvey Oswald. That's the scary thing. I remember on the 50th anniversary in 2013, I remember know flipped the tv on in a hotel room and uh it was cnn and not only the reporters on cnn were were basically pushing the official story like still saying well there's been no evidence that's come out that actually refutes the official story and

there has but there isn't any official evidence. Like, no, the FBI won't say that there's evidence. They just still go, no, it happened this way, one gun from the Texas School Book Depository from 6th floor. And it's just not officially accepted evidence by the people who would be incriminating themselves by accepting that evidence. So you can't go by their evidence. But it's, I was shocked to like, it seems to have really, over the past 20 or so years since JFK the movie came out,

past 20-so years since JFK the movie came out, they've gradually eaten into that number. It used to be like 75-80% of Americans believe that there's a conspiracy. And now it's down to like 60. They've done a decent job

of eating into it. Hemming back the whole conspiracy belief. Trying to think of other conspiracies. Oh, here's, you know what? Speaking of your guns, the mass shootings

recently. If you look, there's stuff like Sandy Hook and what is it? I mean, If you look at stuff like Sandy Hook and the guy at the movie theater. Yeah, the Joker guy. Colorado. I haven't really looked into those ones too much, but, you know, like I said, after you read or watch so much, you can get to the point where it's like, okay, you know what, I'm willing to listen to any theory.

That's why I'm willing to listen to anybody who says we didn't land on the moon. I'm willing to listen to anybody who says we did, but this is how it is. But this is how it is because I just think that it's quite possible that, you know, any of those things could be true. I feel like it's going to be harder and harder to pull that shit off, though, now with the Internet and so many detectives out there sleuthing about. Like, even if it's a seemingly straightforward story, they'll try and find gaps in it, even if they may or may not actually exist. The Edward Snowdens of this world would expose it. Well, yeah, but look, Edward Snowden gave up his life, though. Edward Snowden.

Not if Bernie gets elected. Well, that's what Bernie... See, the thing is, though, if you look back, you can see what Barack said before he got elected, though, and what he did. Do you remember? He he said he was gonna pull us out of iraq he said he was gonna pull we're gonna end that war down guantanamo in particular i remember the um you know how he was gonna shine a light on this stuff how he wanted a really transparent government yep and uh and then once he became government it was like you motherfucking whistleblower. Your life is mine. And this whole thing with monitoring all of our phone calls and our text messages and this.

He's at the top of that, or supposedly. He's the president, and it's on his watch that all this shit's going down. So he didn't talk like that when he was trying to get elected. So that's why Bernie Sanders is like, I don't know. I mean, if you weren't on a list after this airs, you definitely will be for all of your opinions here. Oh, goody. Can you request your list? I'd like to see my list.

You know, I want to see what they know about me. You're just on every pedophile finder. They're worried about that first, so yeah. Yeah, well. Yeah, if anything, that's what they're watching you for. They're just making sure you're not giggling any more kids. Why wouldn't you? Yeah, I mean, yeah.

Better safe than sorry. Any more kids. Any more kids. Why wouldn't you? Any more kids. Any more kids. She totally looked 15. She could pass for 15. I don't know why you guys are fussing at me. She totally looked 15. She was 12.

But she totally looked 15. Yeah, yeah, God. She was giving me that look like she needed some lunch money. I can't imagine. Those guys who do, like, can you imagine? That boy was starting to develop. But, I mean, when you talk about pedophiles,

like the actual, what actually drives those guys to do that, to actually, you know, like I'd be nervous to shoplift. You know what I mean? Like to actually do that. To go through with that sort of awfulness. They gotta be really, I mean they gotta be

dying to do that shit. It must be good, right? Is that what you're getting to? Like some boy ass must really get by. If you're willing to go through all that. Are there pedophiles out there with no game? You know, who can't get it? And you're like, I've had women across the planet. You know what I mean?

Old women, young women. You come here often? Yeah, every day between 8, 30, and 3. Ah, shit. All I did was, we just talked. Well, look at her prancing around in her light-up sneakers like she's the shit. What was I supposed to do? Boy, that must be awesome.

I have to ask my local clergyman just how great it is. There's a doc on Nambla where they like interviewed these pedophiles it's like it was a community of them and these guys like they have themselves convinced they're like well I was sitting there with her and with him

and you know he was naturally curious these boys are curious about these things and I could tell he was flirting with me and so I flirted with him. And it's like, what the fuck world are you living in? Like, these people are so deluded that they think that these little boys are actively flirting with them. So they're not even, like, thinking in their head that they're being fucked up. They think they're dating, yeah.

Yeah, they think that it's a relationship. It is so creepy. I guess Nambla started it in Northeast, like around Boston, and then went from there, obviously. But I saw there was a documentary. It was called Have You Seen Andy? And it was about this kid who got abducted, and they never saw him again in the 70s. And the woman who did the film did a lot of research into it

and found that the origins of nambla had happened around there and um like she had like like tapes of like you know like the stuff that these guys said like because they what they did is they they helped each other out essentially they they they passed information and and helped each other know, sort of ambush kids and things like that. It was a really, really, it's a really demented, just sick world. So regular PKA listeners have had this story, heard the story a hundred times, but fast forward for John. When I was 12, there was this pedo who used to play pool with me and he just always like like it was uh at an arcade so it cost like a dollar or whatever it did he put the quarters in and he always pay and um i call him a

pedo because at one point he told me he had this awesome stereo system and that you know i should get in his car and he would take me back to his apartment and show me his great stereo and uh it was like the perfect thing to say he was really slick about it and I actually seriously contemplated it because yeah home audio systems were like my thing at the time I don't know if that's true for every teenager but at the time it was it would have been an easy guess right preteen anyway I look back and it's like following like the Taylor story did I leave that poor guy on we owed like as he played pool with me and I expressed a real interest? And he's like, I know one trick shot that bounces off four things

if you hit it just off center of the dot. And has he taught me how to play pool and all the jokes? I thought he was really funny. He was pretty charming, right? Ooh, Woody, you're looking tense today. I'm saying he had game. he had game he had game yeah yeah like he he was the coolest guy i do pedophile but like like he just like his cool stereo system he had money for days like like he could afford he had all the quarters i could dream of you know

that was the kind of wealth he had. He was good at pooling. He would show me how to play and how to line up the balls and stuff like that. Now I look back and I'm like, I totally led that fucker on. I reciprocated his love

until I wouldn't get in his car. He's going back to Nam- It's a little cock tease. Let me tell you about this Woody motherfucker. Right? I mean, his name was Woody. I mean, come on. Yeah.

You're killing me, kid. I've been rubbing my boner against this chick's butt for weeks teaching him pool. He didn't even notice. I bought him $10 worth of pogs, and he walked right out of there like he didn't owe me anything. The gall. Yeah. I bought him $10 worth of pogs, and he walked right out of there like he didn't owe me anything. The gall. Yeah. Yeah, now I feel like I cock-teased that person. Maybe you owe him something.

God knows what he did after you got him all worked up. Yeah. You probably caused the whole string of, like, boy skinnings or something in the Northeast corridor. I want to be like George Colby. Yeah. You're all too old now, Woody. Boy skin lamps at a Goodwill.

I don't know if he's still around and still trying to be a pedophile. Maybe he's trying to stay up on gaming culture and everything. Maybe he's watching. Maybe he's watching. Season pass of Black Ops 3. My favorite Herbert moment. That's a good one. That's a good one.

That's a good one. But my favorite Herbert moment is Chris is walking by and he's just like, dear God, please, just let me smell his hat. Let me smell it. That's all I want. And the hat blows off Chris's head and he grabs it and he goes, now I want more. It's so creepy. My favorite is still, you know,

what's going on in my pants? Looks like six more weeks a winner. That was, yeah, that's what's so brilliant with that show is they make a pedophile actually likable and funny in some way. You can laugh at him. It's a brilliant show. I love that show. Should we call it a...

I was going to say... We're all running on empty. Alright. I got more conspiracies probably but... Next time! All right, that was more conspiracies probably but Next time but with John Caparulo will go over the Loch Ness Monster the home indomitable snowman Yeah, yeah

Get me started on that Walrus man program. They're going under the ice after the commies. Let me go through my files. Hold on. I've heard that he guards the dark side of the moon. John, you got anything coming up you want to pimp? Oh, let's see here.

Actually, just, you know, check out Caplets. I've been doing a new stand-up every 30 days for the past, I guess it's been two years now. It's on YouTube, youtube.com slash caparulo caplets. Okay. That's what my wife told me. She pinned it to my shirt. But, so, yeah, if you can spell caparulo, you're good. And I'm going to be in Lexington, Kentucky next week, and then Tempe, Arizona the 17th through the 20th of December.

So check it out. Check out Caplets. They actually have a body of work there. It's actually respectable. Nice. And check out Credit Karma and AppWin. Links in the description along with Caplet. Thanks, everybody.

I hope you enjoyed the show. Thank you, guys. Thanks for coming, man. Take care, bud.