Painkiller Already - Painkiller Already #296

Episode Date: August 26, 2016

This week on PKA, NO GUEST SHOW! The guys share bully stories from their pasts, discuss Star Wars: Rogue One, the upcoming UFC 202 and speculate about the health of both presidential candidates. 

P.K.A. episode 296. We are live. We've got a few sponsors tonight. SmartMouth is coming back to us once again, as well as Blue Apron, MeUndies, and Casper. We'll talk more about each of those later on in the show. Of course, there's links in the description right here. And now you can check out, explore those cool sponsors. But let's get into it.

So we don't have a guest tonight, which I like. I know, I think maybe like you two, I'm maybe the only one that when we don't have a guest I'm like ooh Now we get to delve deep we don't have to listen We don't have to talk to somebody else about their boring bullshit and listen to them tell it is business without a guest because Usually because we sometimes go into the crazy weeds As a guest it'll kind of keep us yes

Yes, we get to nonsense territory so fast that's where I live dude yeah like oh I don't know if I should say this things I tend not to say in front of a guest double-true don't want your drop an in bomb like you don't know how you react yeah he's saying you can't be drop to say in the word faggot in front of Chris Hansen I I mean, what kind of lunatic would do that? Yeah, he wouldn't care for it. Oh, you know what, PKN? I forget it, but I try to open with a joke.

I have a joke. Oh, let's do that. Why did 10 die? Why did Tim die? 10, the number. Why did 10 die? I don't know. Oh, man. He got in the middle was 9-11 it was in between 9-11 yeah it was in the it was in 9-11 10 it was in the middle

of 9-11 all right oh fuck you both that joke was great killed at this point? Like, where did that kill? Where was everybody like, oh, shit! You know, like, all the black guys are, like, losing their shit, like, moonwalking backwards and stuff. Like, come on. Raucous applause across the U.S. as people slap their knees to that one.

Y'all suck. Well, there's only one way to go from here. That really tickled Miss Johnson's eighth grade classroom. They loved it. Real edgy for them. We were talking about space. We were talking about space. And colonizing. And Kyle was saying how, or I guess you go ahead and say what you were saying.

Well, like, so what I want, what would get, what I want, and I think it's a realistic goal. I'm not going to say that I want Star Trek where we have these warp drives that fold space and send us to Alpha Centauri in a day. That's pretty far ahead. It's theoretically possible, it seems. If you can create enough energy to fold space, you can do that theoretically. But that's way in the future, maybe hundreds of years. But what I think could be right within our grasp if the funding was there, it needs to cost like $50,000 for like to get on like some sort of space shuttle, leave Cape Canaveral or wherever the fuck, go to Jupiter, look at it out the window, and then come back home.

And in like three months, like a three-month cruise, like a space cruise. You would treat it like when this cruise is where you go to Alaska and then you go on a long, like weeks-long cruise. But this is a space cruise I want that and if and I feel like we could do that in the next 50 to 75 years I would think maybe the the dollar amount won't be $50,000 anymore because of inflation or whatever but you know like an attainable amount of money that if a hard-working person saved up you know or you know maybe it's your your retirement and you're like, yeah, we've saved up enough to go to Europa, you know, like it should be one of those things that

any hard-working guy can make happen. Or a business decides to relocate an engineer, you know, 50 grand, you know, they'll do that. Maybe there's no taxes on Titan, the moon of Jupiter, so you have to start businesses there. Yeah, those are the sort of incentives that you're going to have to put in place to get people to go do that. To go leave Earth and spend many years in an awful environment eating terrible food with danger. Death is millimeters of aluminum shielding you from radiation at any point. It's going to have to be tax-free.

There's going to have to be a nice per diem. If you're going up there to be a janitor or something, that's going to be one be tax-free. There's going to have to be a nice per diem. If you're going up there to be a janitor or something, that's going to be one fucking high-paid janitor. It'll be like Alaska, where they pretty much just pay you to live there with some sort of state rebates. I don't know how that works exactly, but something good. But that's my dream. I want to see that.

I want to see people on foreign space bodies, colonizing them, mining them, all of that stuff. And then, of course, the recreational sort of tourism thing would follow suit once you get the things that actually really make the money and, you know, working. I think there's going to be a small window of when it's

actually really cool and fun to go visit the moon of Jupiter or the moons of Jupiter, like Europa. But I feel like once there's an established colony there, and then you've got another one on Titan and a couple other celestial bodies, give that two, three generations and suddenly there's going to be interspatial wars

of people on Earth being like, Europa has finally declared war once again on Titan over stealing their moon rocks or whatever it'll be. I don't feel like anybody ever thinks about that, and I really hadn't until now, but that's going to be a pretty neat war, just rockets from planet to planet.

And it's just history repeating itself, and you know that eventually it will, unless steps are really taken to prevent it, but it's difficult. One of the things that made the American Revolution possible was the fact that the people we were rebelling against were an ocean away in a time where it took a couple months to sail on over here and show us what was what now imagine that you're on some colony on a moon rock somewhere you're you're mining tritium or some other something that's a rare earth element here because it's a rare earth element but you just found a rock the size of texas that's made of tritium and it's incredibly

lucrative and you've got all the things you need to survive as well on whatever fucking rock you're living on you're gonna have a hard time sending the eight trillionth dollar shipment back home when you're making like quarter million dollars a year you're like they made 80 trillion dollars off of us last year and what do you make bob 300 000 pennies you know they're gonna be like i say we have a little tritium party let's let's blow the next fucking uh shipment of tritium up in the atmosphere and let's watch it glow because it would tritium's like it's that yeah yeah yeah that that's what's gonna happen i don't think so these guys are making i don't and let's watch it glow, because it would. Tridium's like, it's that luminescent radioactive... Yeah, yeah. That's what's going to happen. I don't think so. These guys are making a killing on us.

I don't think there'll be space wars, because I think for a long, long time, these places will have shit for resources. What do you think's more likely? They're just going to suck off the Earth, and all we have to do is a parent with the cash flow and two nine-year-olds take their shit away that's that's actually a really good point unless like they do find that underwater ocean

about in europa they're always talking about where they're like oh there could be that's what nasa does when people lose interest and like nobody's excited about space anymore they send out the same thing where it's headlined like like, life discovered on Mars? And it's like, we may have found a dead micro bacteria under a rock. We may have. Maybe not. Who knows? Who's to say?

We can't know. Or they'll be like, oh, there's a giant ocean under Europa. There could be sharks under there. There could be space sharks. Did you ever think about that, public? Are you okay with your taxes being raised now? There could be sharks. Oh, are you anti-space travel? Oh my god, don't say you're anti-space travel on the internet. Of course not. I'm pro-space travel. If for no other reason than it, it would be cool to watch. It would be cool to watch. And look, I like it that we're going out, the United States that is, and kicking everyone's asses in the Olympics.

We've got so many fucking gold medals, it's not even close. We destroy everyone every year, and we always have. I like that, I guess. But we have, right? Let me go back and look. No, that's not right. If you just look at the previous one, China beat us. I think China wins a lot. They had more golds

and more medals, I think. Or maybe... No, no, no. Last Olympics, China beat us by medals, but we beat them by golds, didn't we? Is that right? It was that or the inverse of that at one point? I'm saying gold medals, so I'm right no matter what. We kick everybody else's in this gold medal thing. I like that. They're

representing the United States, but I like it better when our representatives aren't just real strong people who worked out four hours a day because they can. That's nice, but I would like it if we were showing everybody up by like going to another planet kyle's right it turns out in 2012 by the end of it the u.s won in both golds and metal count but i guess i know in the middle of it that it wasn't the case i murkison's member too but

anyway yeah so say well the chinese did set the schedule for that thing. So they probably set it so they could have a mid-Olympic gold surplus or something. The host country usually gets to add a few sports. So like when it's in the U.S., we're always like, you know what? We're going to get some snowboarding in this bitch, a little skateboarding. You know, women's shit is going to be real popular. And suddenly like, oh, it turns out we do have the best women basketball players you know and we rock at snowboarding and stuff men's basketball in the

olympics is just ridiculous because we are the only country that cares about basketball to like a really high extent it's because african americans are from america we're blowing them out we're blowing everybody out that That's not true. Have you been watching? Men's basketball? I haven't been watching. I don't watch it. It sounds like neither of you have been watching.

No. The big story this year, aside from the last game against Argentina, is we've been winning by three, by less than five. Everyone is like, oh, my God, what is wrong with the team this year? That's the story. Oh, they're putting on a show. That's some Harlem Globetrotters shit. If they're winning by three, then I'm'm gonna be of the opinion that yeah we let them get close

just to just to put on a better show yeah we're all getting bonuses the club i we're all getting we get a bonus if we're within eight points of the other team at the end like what they're saying is that the composition of the team is all wrong that like there's no role players on this team everyone is supposed to have the ball they're all the scorers and and pretty much every time we get the ball we just 1v4 them and try and score i'm not really a basketball expert but keep on winning yeah we'll see what happens i know lebron didn't play um i just don't care my point about bringing up the olympics was that i don't fucking care. Like, that's not a great representation of us. Like, I guess it is in athletics, but I don't think athletics is the best way to put our best foot forward.

I like the idea of everyone in the planet being like, yeah, the Americans, they've got another planet now. Like, they live on Mars, too. Like, you could kill every American on this planet, and there'd still be a hundred thousand more of them in the stars planning their revenge on you how big a shit show would there be if we started claiming shit like that like imagine that like it's the it's the shoes on the other foot now the germans have a hundred thousand people on mars and world war three comes around and wouldn't you know it the germans are the bad guys three times in a fucking row we just gotta take them out this time. Just take them off.

We're like, no third chances, this is it. And we kill every German in existence. The fucking Deutschland is no more. And we give it back to Israel, because why not, right? Like, give it to Israel, give it to those Jewish people, you know, for no other reason than I think that's funny. You still got to worry about that 100,000 German guys who were up there on mars like planning they've got a couple rockets that could really hey you know what to like solve a bunch of problems maybe we just do give the jews

their own planet because everybody's trying to give them shit all the time like they can't go anywhere in the world and feel totally safe so how about you just give them their own planet oh i heard i when you said everyone's giving them shit all the time i interpreted that completely differently like why are our policies doing giving out so much foreign aid to israel all the fucking time why is it that we just like conquer countries and give them land like why do we give israel so much stuff and And you were not headed in it from that angle. No, no, I was saying that Israel is... You were saying everyone hates Jews because you're racist. No, I was saying that people in that...

The area of the world in which Jews inhabit is very hostile towards Jewish people. And so it would not be a lot of fun to be there. So maybe just be like, all right, you guys, you know, I know this is like a really big deal, this land. We're going to airlift this entire chunk of land and we're just gonna set it on top of europa and then just go hog wild you know the benefit they actually get all the religious like like important things we're like we're giving you the wall we're taking the monuments we're taking the all of that shit all the temples everything that gets to go up there huh space jews that that gets to go up there, huh? Space Jews. That all gets to go up there.

And you get the added benefit of a bunch of Jewish people are in outer space. They're going to figure out how to make that successful quick. Isn't that the best part about it? It won't be long before people are like, well, Europa was better than Earth. No, they just made it better than Earth because that's what they fucking do. The best part about this is, like, if you announce this as a a crowdfunded project they'd have eight trillion dollars to fund it next year like they they may if you crowdfunded this globally everybody be like oh did you hear they're gonna send all the jews to space they need a few they need a few rubles to get it done though comrade well let me see what i can do like all across the world everybody joins hands at this

this one moment of solidarity to send the jews to fucking mars my angle and ruined it you're holding hands like in one hand you've got like the leader of iran and the other you got the guy from north korea you're singing a Ku Klux Klan song. Ku Klux Klan members. Don and the Robe. The Pope. Everybody. Where do the Jews themselves stand on this? Are they excited about going to Europa in this reality?

Or are they like, fuck. I mean, it depends. You'd have to take a survey or something. Throw it up on SurveyMonkey real quick. See what you can get as far as results. But, I don't know. I was saying it more just to keep them safe. You guys suddenly just started going,

oh yeah, get rid of them! Dude, if you put up a survey on SurveyMonkey, like, hey, if you're Jewish, let me know if you'd like to leave. 4chan will fuck that shit up. He'll be 99.9% send them. Yeah. You think he's named Hitler. That's odd.

What do you think is more likely in the next say 50, let's say 100 years in the United States? What do you think is more likely that the United States has? And I'm talking about a major one. A space war or a race war? Race war. Race war. I mean, have you not been looking around

like it's pretty much happening now like if there was one in milwaukee just last weekend yeah that's more of a race attack though like like nobody was really fighting back like like you know what i mean like that was a riot they were screaming kill white people did they did they not shoot back because if if not they need more guns exactly that's what i've been saying for years they need more guns and they have a big group of white people shooting back at them and the black lives matter people shooting at them then there's a race war two groups of races fighting but it was just one group rioting so not quite a race war i think we're i don't think we're ever going to see a race war because the it's just i just don't think because what were you saying a race war because the it's just i just don't think because

what were you saying it's because they're not very organized because i don't think anybody on like a race level is organized enough to like have a race war like you can't just send out a memo like all black people report to fifth and cherry at 6 p.m., we're marching. And then like, oh, white people, report here. We need to counteract that march. Like, it's just, it's not going to happen. I suppose not. But what you could have, on the other hand, was let's say that like you have something like the L.A. riots

where it's almost 100% black people rioting, going violent, stealing things, and attacking white people because they're white. And that's been going on for two weeks now. And you and the rest of your neighborhood form a militia, as the Second Amendment intended. And now you and all your neighborhoods have this Walking Dead

themed squad. The one guy's got a crossbow, because he was always anti-gun, and now he's getting his comeuppance, right? It's like, yeah like yeah bill wanted to time it over there yeah you ready to cock that son of a bitch how many arrows you got legolas fuck you and you know you got a guy over there with his 12 gauge and that ar-15 or whatever and they're gonna protect the neighborhood in that regard i think you could maybe have some sort of

a race battle at least a race battle but not a race battle okay i think we're a ways away from even a race battle at least i really hope so because i think we're a couple weeks away from a race battle i feel like does this not seem like it's escalating wildly fast to everyone else every time it's never a battle there's so much media coverage. Like, like I always hear, I always see so much horrible shit on the, on the internet and on the news. And then you'll see that statistic that gets popped up every now and then that, that the violence has actually been on the decline for, for like a decade in like virtually every category. And, and you know, when I, my, I bet if I talked to my mother right now and I asked her, do you think that,, as a five-year-old child, was safer from kidnapping, child molestation, that sort of thing, than a five-year-old would be today?

Like, yeah, yeah, oh, it was a different time. No, no. Back in the 80s, they'd snatch little fucking kids up and disappear with them. That shit's on the decline, too. It's harder for fucking assholes to get away with doing evil things now. Everything is on the decline. Today is the best day there has been to be alive that there's ever been. Yeah.

I feel like everything is going to get blown out of proportion though because the media on every side, they benefit directly from playing up things like this. Because it's going gonna pull eyes in and so even if it was you know a once a month thing that was never a big scale they're gonna treat it like you know is the dam about to break like you know is everything about to unleash and be a crazy race war across this you know tune in at nine next like like of course i hear you and but i think that the reason these stats are getting better is because the random shootings over bullshit or whatever are dropping. Racial tensions, at least my exposure, feels like they're going up. They are.

It feels like this is a thing that's happening. And I'm not, like, promoting race war. Don't get it all twisted, people. I don't think anyone has. Say sergeant. I do feel like the shit that happens in Milwaukee, like, dude, take it. All we need is a natural disaster, right? A good old, like, Katrina-style problem.

And I would not be surprised to see a little section of society break off by race. You know, an L.A. riots type thing where some people are defending territory, some people are attacking it, and, you know, it's undeniably race oriented. That's how I like to play Company of Heroes. By dividing and conquering? Well, no, you get like some people attacking, some people defending. I always like to defend, like set up my defenses and stuff, get my sniper towers and my mines, the claymores and such. You do. You're good with that. That's why we're good on the same team, because I never stop attacking. Yeah. I like sitting back

and letting things come to me. Chiz and I were talking about getting back into Civ because Civ 6, you know, Civ 5 was there was an expansion pack in between Civ 5 and Civ 6, that Beyond Earth bullshit, but that's not even, that's fucking bullshit.

Civ 5 is a hugely successful, really fun game. I think it was like 10th most played on Steam at the time when it was out, maybe still. It's great. We love that game, we're so addicted to it for so long, and Civ 6 is coming out, so I think it's time to start sharpening our skills up and getting ready.

I agreed to play one game with them of Civ, and that's all that I'm guaranteeing. One game, I'll play, and if I like it, I'll keep playing, obviously. If not, then at least I can say I tried. I just... It's so long.

Like, I'm going to lose interest. I already know I'm going to lose interest. You'll see. Because you... Look, we've sat there and played Company of Heroes for four hours before, and maybe at the end of it, it's getting a little dull, and it's just like, alright, let's send everything in. But

Civ is a little bit deeper than that. There's just so much going on. You're always growing and getting better. There's not really a plateau until... You're like seven hours in before you plateau, and you're like, alright, I got everything now. Now when do we do some shit? You know, it's... When you pause Monopoly, I like to either win or lose first.

And that's how I feel about Civ. And I don't win at Civ. So the faster I can lose, that's second place to me. Actual second place? If me, you, Kyle, and Chiz were in a game, just the three of us, just us girls, and we decided that we were like, alright, let's just take a break

from this, let's reconvene tomorrow. Can you pause, or do you have to finish a game in one sitting? No, you can pause it. There was a time when we weren't very good at recovering saves and stuff like that, but at this point, we played so much that we got really good at that. So if the game freezes even, I can almost always recover it for everybody.

What would happen if Civ VI is not a buggy piece of junk in multiplayer? Right? That might be a thing. There are so many bugs in V that... I mean, we play an extremely modded version of Civ V, for one thing. Extremely modded. It's barely the same game. But playing the regular game,

it's got a lot of fucking bugs in there that are just like, oh, just so you know, that doesn't work. So don't do it. And it's like, what do you mean? How was I going to know that? Well, you play 1400 hours and then you just fucking know. Is Filthy Robot still playing Civ?

Yeah, yeah. He plays that and he plays what's that other command something or another yeah he's playing that song like playing civ if it actually does take seven or eight hours for a game and that's not being a little hyperbolic like it that playing one game a day is like a 40 hour a week job if you play one game a day. Seven or eight hours in a game is the extreme side of possible. It's honestly not. You can go 12 hours if you get... We've gone

12 hours. What's average? We hop in a game... It depends on exactly what we're doing. If you, me, and Chiz get in there and we verse three AI that are king level AI, which is like medium hard, we

can knock that out in four hours. That's what I want to do. Yeah, but if we go in there and it's a four man free for all, that can go 12 hours. Or, first loser can get out in like 40 minutes.

If that happens, then everybody else in the game is very upset. Oh, no, you do. You do. Trust me. That's the best way. At least the first game, if I'm going to play, I want to really try and play well and figure it out to see if this is something I want to pursue.

Because I like strategy games that are really intensive like this. I just play – like if you've ever played the board game, Arkham Horror, it's a really complex board game. I don't, not as complex as Civ, I'm sure, because it's not a video game, but it takes hours

and it's a ton of fun. Like I like games like that. It's just, I think the time frame is intimidating. What you want on your first game is you want to like be on the same team as Kyle and then you'll work your way through the tech tree. You'll get a vibe,

all the decisions you make your team wants. So when you work on like a new tech you all sort of focus on it and it's just hand holding to sort of learn the controls and the If Chiz like attacks me or antagonizes me early in the game, I'm done.

I'm not going to be T-S-er we were so kind to him with all the RTS's and we didn't just storm in and buttfuck him, we tried to you know, we were so kind to him with all the RTSs, and we didn't just storm in and buttfuck him. We tried to, you know, wean him into the game, coax him into it a little bit. But, yeah, I don't want to join and then have Chiz be like, hey, notice anything in your financial district, idiot?

I placed a spearman there. He's killing all your bankers as they try and get home from work, which makes the wives unhappy, which makes the kids deviant. So now they're committing crimes in the inner city of your home. Now it's all mayhem, or however the game occurs. It's not so far off from that. What you described can kind of be done.

No, it won't be like that. If we're playing three of us against three AI, then we're on the same team. We can't hurt each other. And the thing about surprise attacks coming from the enemy, you see it coming. Your vision is determined. Your city has, like,

five or six squares of vision in its perimeter, in its circumference, but, you know, each troop has, like, three or four, so you can, if you position troops around your city, then no one can sneak up on you, but new players don't do that, so we'll amass these really big, fucking

enormous, scary armies armies and they're just lurking in the shadows two squares out of vision and then all of a sudden you just oftentimes we'll kind of fuck with them through the chat we'll like start threatening them and start like hitting them up for like really bad trades like hey i got uh two pieces of iron here i'm gonna need eight uranium for it and they're like i'm not doing that it's like well if you don't do it I'm gonna come destroy you and they're like fuck you and then your army comes out of the shadows and now they're singing a different tune it's a it's a lot of fun uranium that's happened I swear to God that's happened like like they'll be like all right well we can make that

trade happen as a nah nah I just use that uranium to make a couple nukes just fuck it I'll just I'll just kill all your cities now it's it's really satisfying to destroy someone else's stuff because you know how hard it was to build that stuff and sometimes depending on their race like i think the net if you're the netherlands or the dutch or whatever you can build these really colorful like tulip fields and you see your whole perimeter is these beautiful flower fields of red and blue and green and gold, and you just burn all that shit down to the ground. It's very satisfying.

Alternatively, when you lose, it is the most dissatisfying, painful loss that you've ever experienced in video gaming. It is like you've been working on this oil painting, this Monet, for like months and someone comes along and they don't just burn it they like shit on it and fucking like ruin it and and and and it's piece by piece where you're like well maybe i could still rebuild the fields out there no they just like block by or hexagon by hexagon they pillage your shit and ruin it and you're just like well

you know I guess if they stopped now I could get back to where I was until your people are unhappy and it's just there's no other game probably takes forever oh my god that's the thing dude losing it there will be a point

where you know that you can't win. And it will be 90 minutes after that that you lose. It's just an hour and a half of like, this is awful. That's true. This is just awful. Yeah. It can definitely be that way. Yeah.

It can definitely be exactly that way. No, it's not like Age of Mythology, where I could just sprint over with my herseer and just start building a barracks right next to their town center? It is, though, in some ways. So I compare it to chess sometimes, because some of your units are incredibly valuable, like a queen would be, and then of course there are the pawns. Early on, you only have like two units or three units so losing one of them is like losing 50 or or 33 of your total work that you've put in so far so so if you can if you just happen to get near the enemy and you can strike a quick blow and you can like a settler for example it early on it takes seven or eight turns of work just to make one of

the a settler that can go create a new city and during that seven or eight turns you're not making any food for your population your population isn't growing it's stagnant that's kind of a problem so you're kind of trading growth for a second city but if i come along with my one shitty warrior guy with a spear and i see your unprotected settler and get him? He's my settler now, bitch. He's actually my worker. I enslave him and I put him to work in my fields. That's literally what happens. And you have to watch. Sometimes

I'll enslave him and, you know, now he's my guy. Now he's my unit. And I see that your protective unit is just right there next to me. So I know that I can't get this worker out of here. If I leave it here, you're just going to take it back. So I'll just fucking delete it. I'll just fucking delete it. Sounds like so much insult

to injury stuff, where you're like, boom! Oh, now you're making cabbage for the Kyle kingdom now! Pull him back to where you are, throw him in the farms. It sounds like fun if you're winning, like most games. When you play against AI, we win. It's a terrible game.

And it's not fun. And it's very time consuming. And I wish I could... Like high school detention. Like other things that are similar to Civ. Waiting at the DMV. The dentist, maybe. Yeah, it doesn't hurt.

There's no other game that gets my heart racing as much without playing fucking virtual reality. How does your heart race in Civ? Everything takes three hours. Exactly. You probably need like six Red Bulls to stay awake. No, no, you just explained why it gets my heart racing. Because there will be a plan

that is literally two hours in the making. I've been forming this army with this idea in mind to strike my enemy in a certain way for two or three hours. And just now it's ready. And I'm watching to see if he moves his guy left or right. And if he moves left, I win. If he moves right, I lose. And he moves left. And it's just like, yes!

Yes! It's just – sometimes i'm just terrified it's like a dagger to my heart when uh when like their army comes out of the fucking woodwork and and shit and you got my heart racing oh fuck you let's talk about kelly rip his camel toe i'm so tired yeah i would like to play though we should try it and what wait what what civilization do you recommend for a beginner what's the coolest one well five is what we play the the other like what civilization like oh but civ six would be the one you play so who knows but korea yeah you should probably play korea you'll like them yeah they're scientific they they go ahead and tech faster than everybody else i'll try them then oh so we're

moving on to to talk about a camel toe no i hope so yeah yeah i was watching i was listening to stern show and they were discussing um some pictures of kelly rippa's camel toe online and of course i was like driving but i fucking googled them up and then i showed these guys i'm not gonna show the camel toe because i'm afraid that's somehow bad for my channel but if you google kelly Camel Toe, you will find dozens of pictures of her in yellow pants. So that's sort of the key.

The yellow pants. You know, I don't find it... I don't find it unattractive. I like Kelly Ripa's Camel Toe. I want to do stuff to it, okay? Like, I'm not making fun of Kelly Ripa's Camel Toe. Like, look at her, how gross she is. I want to go do all kinds of shit to her camel toe i'm just saying look it's a camel i don't think any men make fun of women's camel toes i think it's more of like a oh man that's kind of like a

behind the music you know reveal of like oh man what's going on there looks like you vacuum sealed two chicken cutlets right next to each other one of those two super stores. Yeah, two things. One, guys are awesome. Guys are awesome because we don't sit there and pass judgment on your camel toe or your nay nay or whatever you want to call it. Guys are like, you know what? We love them all. We love it when you let us play with them.

Any female genitalia that is open for business is a good store by my book. Now, I'm married. Don't get it all twisted. But that's the general thought process. I don't know. There's definitely some ugly vaginas out there that I don't want anything to do with. If it's healthy, it's good. There definitely are.

The same way there are ugly dicks out there, there are ugly vaginas, you know? If we don't pretend that there are some ugly vaginas and some ugly dicks out there, then no one can take us seriously when we laud the good-looking ones. You know? And it looks like Kelly Ripa has a good-looking one. Yeah, it looks like Kelly Ripa's got a real nice vagina. Maria Menounos, too, while

we're talking about, like, TV ladies whose vaginas have been revealed online. The other thing about Kelly Ripa's vagina, I like the squat she's in, right? Now, I feel like there are women who exist their whole life and like completely concentrate on only ladylike poses. The fact that she's down there, what is she doing? Playing an instrument or something? She's trying to do something. I got no idea.

Yeah, I don't know. She's doing something with her hands. I've been staring at her vagina. Yeah, right? But the fact that she's trying to i got no idea yeah i don't know what she's doing something i've been staring at her vagina yeah right but the fact is she's working at something in this like slovakian squat and i like that she's not like i don't know being ladylike putting her knees on the ground or doing whatever she's fucking a human being willing to do human things and not you know always being ladylike 24 by 7 i like a girl that that breaks form every now and then as long as she doesn't drink a beer or anything yeah

that would make her trashy yeah no no beer for that squatting heavily haired lady you know what i only watched uh i only watched this this past week was making a murderer i had never seen it before um and i watched it the reason i watched it was because i read online that brendan uh avery the uh the retarded cousin of steven avery is getting released and within the next 90 days or so like that and the reason i say he's retarded is because everyone who who is an advocate of that young man should have been using the r word constantly because he is mentally retarded he may not meet the specific iq uh number to be there i believe he was like a 69 verbal iq and like a 69 verbal IQ and like a 73 general IQ. He was so easily led and manipulated.

And you could see it. You could see it happening. And I know it just. He admitted to murder and then was concerned that he had to get home in time to do his schoolwork because it was due tomorrow. That's how not getting it he was. He was an idiot. An idiot, I don't know if idiot is a medical term. It is. Yeah.

So it was moron. He was not, he wasn't a normal person. And I remember I watched Making a Murderer and I really thought like, you know, I don't know if Stephen Avery's innocent. They really focused on the defense and they kind of left out like oh yeah her DNA was in a fire next to the house and don't know how that got there and and then like oh yeah they did find like his car the body by the car or something like that and um you know he's been in trouble before and and there was a lot of evidence to suggest that he was stalking her and had like

I think threatened rape and requested her specifically. And she asked not to go there. There was a whole lot of guilt stuff around him. But it does seem like the cops did some hanky-panky to make their case. There was this one part in particular where they asked him, they were like, what did you do to her, Brendan? What did you do to her head? where they asked him, they were like, what did you do to her, Brendan? What did you do to her head?

And when they say this, you see this retarded young man start thinking in his head, what would I do to a woman's head? He's like, what would I do to a woman's head? And he says, cut her hair? And they're like, alright,

you cut her hair. What'd you cut her hair with? Knife? and then they're like all right you cut her hair what'd you cut her hair with knife all right you cut her hair with the knife where were you were you in the house were you in the garage well garage and they're just like all right so you drug her out of the house you cut her hair off with the knife in the garage! Then what did you do? And it's just like, you're just leading this guy along, playing hangman, and in the end, you're literally gonna hang this motherfucker, and he's just guessing stuff, with no idea of the gravity of his answers, or the setting in which he is currently in.

A piece of shit, cops. They should have never even had to say, like, oh, this guy's clearly mentally feeble. They should have been like, hey, look at this clip of them pulling a kid out of class, interrogating him illegally. You know, you have to inform that kid's guardian if he's going to be questioned by the police. And that guardian would probably say, yeah, we're going to want an attorney because I don't want you talking to my feeble-minded 16, 17-whatever-year-old kid. And they just completely led him into every answer. That was, like like i remember when that show first came out and it was trending people were like god i can hardly watch this show it's

so upsetting and that was the scene for me where i was like this is such fucking bullshit like this guy clearly just thinks all right if i give him the right answer i'm going to be able to get to history in time uh oh shit i must have given the wrong answer now they're really upset with me like and even the way they explained it was likeescending. Like, well, you just admitted to murder, Brendan. We left out a huge thing. We left out the fact that his attorney was partnering with the prosecution. Like, his attorney didn't seem to be representing him or trying to keep him innocent. His attorney was working with the prosecution really to get Steve and Avery guilty.

So they're like, oh, yeah, do you want my guy as a witness? I'll make sure you're alone when I'm not there and you can coerce him into saying shit so they could – Literally said that. The investigator that he had, he was like, I'll go see him this afternoon. He will have just gotten his judgment, so he'll be vulnerable. And he'll be looking for someone to you know help him and then I'll go in and I'll get the sign confession and I'll get him to dry he's like now draw her on the bed all right you're on the bed yeah that's real good and you look at the drawing and sure her

hands are tied with rope and her feet no one no one brought this up her feet are manacled okay it's the old cartoon punk with a chain that comes out of it it's the kind of restraints that don't fucking exist in you use on Bugs Bunny yeah even every part-time at the Museum of fucking torture like where did he get those manticles and how did he attach them to some it was absurd it was like Bugs Bunny tighter up wonder if anybody tells them what are they called? Manacles? Manticles. No one sells manticles

except for like dark sex shops. And even then, those are way above Steven Avery's price range. It was so clear from the drawing thing was what really pissed me off. I think it was the psychologist who was basically leading him being like,

oh, draw a picture of what you did with her head and where you stabbed her and it's like nope nope you didn't stab her there did you why are you lying to me brendan and he should have been like like if i could have jumped in his head for that minute i would have just been like because i'm a retarded person and you tricked me i don't know what you want me to say! But my project is late now, so I hope you'll talk to my teacher about the 10% I missed. If I had been his lawyer, if I were Brendan's lawyer,

I would get him on the stand, and I would say, Brendan, do you remember the time that you went to the chocolate factory? And he'd say, yeah. And as he stares at the ground with his eyelids down so you can't even see his fucking eyes. Do you remember when you went to the chocolate factory?

Yeah. Remember the Oompa Loompas, Brandon? Yeah. What color was your ticket? Was it golden? What did you do to the Oompa Loompas, Brandon? Why don't you tell everyone? I didn't do anything to the Oompa Loompas. You drowned that Oompa Loompa, Brandon. Where did you drown him? It was the river made of what? Chocolate?

That's right. You drowned him in the river of chocolate, didn't you, Brandon? Tell us. Tell us. I'm going to tell your mother. You better admit. What's your mother going to say when she finds out you were at the chocolate factory without her permission? She didn't know, did she?

Does your mom know you were at the chocolate factory? Ladies and gentlemen, this is a hate crime, if nothing else. And I feel like the prosecution, that motherfucker was such an evil person. He'd be like, well, ladies and gentlemen, you heard it right out of the boy's mouth himself. He's a serial killer. He's killed some sort of an Oompa Loompa fellow by drowning. All right? So how far does he have to go before we find him stabbing this young woman?

And then the idea of him stabbing and cutting her throat and being zero blood. Like, you take one look at these guys and how they live, and you know that they did not clean that place. They can't even keep the dirt out of their house, much less clean up a crime scene. Yeah. By the way, I can't find manacles on Amazon. So yes, they're very hard to get. He ain't got no goddamn manacles. It was really upsetting.

I'm like you. I don't know if Stephen A avery is innocent or guilty and i've read a lot online and like um the stuff that wasn't in the documentary and especially like those phone conversations that brendan has with his mother there's a lot of stuff that they just cut out and they edit it together to make it look like it's one conversation when really it was like this big long conversation in the middle. It's a bit misleading at times and that might even be an understatement but Brendan was clearly not

represented correctly and he didn't have the faculties to defend himself and so regardless of if he did anything he doesn't deserve to be where he is so it's a good thing that that creepy motherfucker is getting out of jail. I wouldn't want him living in my neighborhood just on the fact that he's a weird looking dude and he's not all there. I want the attorney disbarred.

Yeah, sure. Because the attorney, while not great, wasn't retarded. The attorney, if there's any evil around here, it's not just the police. His defense attorney sold him down the river. Literally. Yeah. Totally did. Yeah, that was

upsetting lynn i think was his name but he was blonde he had like a yeah he looked like a real motherfucker and when they look like a pansy to me like that guy had no yeah it looked like he would cry uh pretty easily like if you slapped him maybe he'd cry just saying and uh i feel like we could get him to cry we can i'm pretty sure you know when they brought him back and had him on the stand they're like did you say and then they had a quote from him and he's like no i didn't say that because if i said that then i'm basically admitting brandon's guilt on you know publicly i wouldn't have said that and then he says can we play exhibit a and it's literally video of him with a microphone saying it on TV.

It's not like he said it in the courtroom. He said it on fucking television. That's the problem with this media. It's constantly taking my quotes out of context. They know what I'm saying. They don't listen to what I'm saying. And then they bring it up and they talk about it. And they're not talking about the great things that I have done or said.

In fairness, you say so much stupid shit. What else are we going to talk about? Yeah. Yep. Yeah, that is such a depressing show to watch that poor kid's like – you can see – Oh, I thought we were talking about the election. Oh, no. I think they're inbred as well because you can just look around the entire –

toward the end of the show, it's like 10 hour-long episodes or something. So toward the end of that, I started really looking at the ancillary members of the family, the guys on the cousins and aunts and nephews, and they all look like – they all have a very similar mongoloid look to them. I don't know. They look a bit inbred. Not a lot of branches on that family tree yeah and there are quotes from like the people in the area that literally say that you know that's a family tree you know that doesn't have any branches or whatever um and the what i took from from the whole time was that it was it was just like what you would see if it was a group of black people and you had a group of like racist white people that didn't want those blacks in their community they had the same kind of hatred

in the can't they and then and in the same way they had it out for the aviaries as they would for some for for a group of black people that they didn't like they really hated the aviaries and with i mean hey they own a big junk. They got like 500 fucking junk cars over there. They don't wash very well. They're all stupid, unattractive people who are constantly misdemeanoring. You know, they're throwing cats over fires, drunk in public, DUI, violating probation, in and out of jail, three months this time, six weeks this time. Steven Avery had road rage so rather than just flipping the bird or better yet giving the thumb of disappointment like the i'm not mad i'm just disappointed thumb my new favorite they uh he tried to run someone off the road because ah so

what he did well that see that's what that's what really started everything um the woman that he ran off the road and then got out and confronted with the gun in his hand is the wife of like a deputy sheriff. That happened back before the first murder conviction. And what she had been claiming was that Stephen Avery was in her yard masturbating, like waiting on her to drive by. And he'd like run up and like a man has needs. Right. He'd be jerking it in the yard now. And there's like three statements from her. said that that he like masturbated onto her hood like he like like i imagine him like running 45 miles an hour on the side of the road jerking it with one hand and then blowing a load onto the hood of her moving car i don't even know where that happens but then when they when they question her later on she's like oh well those aren't my

words i didn't say that i didn't say that well no he never did that to my hood but i would see him in his yard with his pants down and it was like oh yeah if you look at my yard you might find that too absolutely i i piss in my yard quite a bit and so and that's what i was thinking when he's when she said that but but because that is what got the ball rolling he had that charge floating over his head when the very first rape happened, the sexual assault on the beach that sent him away for the first 18 years. That was a great story. Anybody out there who hasn't seen Making a Murderer,

nothing we have said in any way spoils it because it's a real-life fucking crime drama. So check that out. I know I'm, like, way behind the times here. That thing was trending and popular months ago. Right. But I really enjoyed it. It was great. We lost Taylor.

Yeah, I know. I just fixed the layout. I don't know when he'll be back I have a joke my wife is mad at me she says I can't believe you fucked my sister well she would just line on the table when I got to work stark naked looking incredibly hot what am I supposed to do I'm only human perform the fucking autopsy. Jesus. That one's better. That one's better.

A little necrophilia there. I like that. I like the first one more. Maybe that's just me. No, I like the necrophilia better than the 9-11 joke. I wish Taylor was here to talk about the fun Trump stuff. The Nambla guy spoke out about him. That's absurd. The fact that there is a Nambla guy is shocking to me. Like there's a guy who's comfortable with being the Nambla guy. He's like,

yeah, that's me. I represent all the man boy lovers. He spoke out about Trump and he said he would neither confirm nor deny that Trump was a big NambLA contributor. Oh, what a cocksucker. Fuck him. So for people that know the joke, basically they're talking in Trump-like language. It started on Reddit. And they're saying stuff like, hey, Trump didn't release his tax returns. You know, I don't want to say that he contributed a million dollars to the North American Man-Boy Love Association, but that's something that someone who contributed a million dollars to the North American Man-Boy Love Association, but that's something that someone

who contributed a million dollars to the North American Man-Boy Love Association would do. People are saying, smart people are saying, that he's a member of NAMBLA. I'm not saying it, but people are talking everywhere that he is a great member of NAMBLA, the greatest member, some are saying. They're just talking in Trump talk about that. So the NAMBLA guy the greatest member, some are saying. They're just talking in Trump talk about that.

So the NAMBLA guy actually came out and said, I can't confirm nor deny that Trump is in NAMBLA, which I find funny. Now, I'll admit that it's a pretty biased view. Would I think it was so funny if it was Obama, who I do like? Maybe I wouldn't. But for Trump, I'm like, you're a goof. NAMBLA is one of the grossest things that actually exists that's public.

I'm sure, and we constantly see them uncovered and brought to daylight, these underground societies that basically fuck little kids, whether it's the clergy or whether it's British parliament members or whatever. Is there any bright side to NAMBla that i'm not aware of no no so like let me pitch it what if they say at nambla that's what he said we help people uh resist the urge to fuck children or we guide them towards animated like images to jerk off on. They're always big defenders of the idea that there are lots of boys out there that love us. They're all about that this is a loving relationship between a man and a boy. I've heard those guys speak, and I've heard them interviewed.

Stern would send Stuttering John to one of their conventions to tell us about fucking the boys. And, you know, they go on and on about, oh, it's a very loving relationship between a man and a boy, a very trusting relationship that you've seen throughout time. And they'll go on about this, on and on about it. It's really disgusting and gross to hear. The cloppers aren't... There's nothing quite as gross as Nambla because it's all about men

loving boys and being pedophiles and being okay with it. Can you catch me up? Sorry, I just got back in. So we're talking about Nambla? The North American Nambla Love Association? Have you heard of the Trump-Nambla connection? No. Is that a real thing? No, it's not a real thing.

What it is is sort of a running joke where they're like, hey, Trump isn't releasing his taxes. That's the sort of thing that someone who contributed a million dollars to Nambla would do. And then they go on with the Trump talk. I just said this while you were gone.

You know, like, look, people are saying that he did this. People say it everywhere. Really smart people are saying that Trump contributed a million dollars to NAMLA. That's his best line. Some people are saying that Obama actually

founded ISIS. Some people out there are saying that he was present when they signed the document. Really smart people are saying that. The smartest of people are going to be... They're using language like that to say that Trump donated all this money to NAMBLA, which is why he's not releasing his tax returns.

I have a theory, and it's not unique to me. The real reason he's not releasing his tax returns are twofold. One, there's the audit thing, right? Two, I don't think he's nearly as wealthy as he says he is. You know, I bet he pays a very small amount of taxes by minimizing his paper gains and um people would look at it and be like what you know trump made like two million dollars last year he really couldn't say like what he'd want to say if he was being honest probably if i'm following your same track is being like well people you know if i actually paid taxes honestly

and had my full worth on there i'd be worth 10 billion but i don't so there's your explanation but you can't say that because that's it's either that or he honestly isn't as wealthy as he claims to be well he's definitely not as wealthy as he claims to be because um six billion of that 10 billion was the trump name what does he claim like what he claims the value he claims 10 billion and he Trump name. What does he claim? He claims 10 billion. And he says 6 billion of that is just the Trump brand. And there is value in it, undoubtedly. I could make Trump soup and people would have an interest in Trump soup because it says Trump on it.

You would be interested? Yeah, I want the soup. Yeah, right. But a couple of things. I don't know that it's a $6 billion value. That's an awful lot in value. And Trump shit, like lots of Trump shit fails. Trump steaks, Trump water, Trump whatever,

doesn't go anywhere, right? And you might argue they still exist, but have you bought any Trump water? Like let's not pretend that it's like a well-known succeeding brand. Well, you know, he sells it at his places. The thing that I like about those brands is that, sure, you're not going to see Trump-branded water next to Dasani and Aquafina,

but you will if you go to a fucking Trump resort or a Trump golf course. It's almost like he's saying, in reality, what's going on there, it's not like he's saying i make the best water in the world i'm dominating the water market he's saying look when you come to my place it's trump water it's trump steak it's trump jelly beans it's the same thing as like great value stuff at walmart like that exists like great value is their uh private label their store brand so you know that's a huge label. It only exists at Walmart, but it's still pretty

prolific. What I'm saying is, if the Trump name brand was really as valuable as Apple or Marlboro, you could stick it on fucking anything and it would sell. When in reality, he can only move it in Trump towers. You know, the name brand's only so valuable. Beyond that,

if he gets smashed in this election and there's a real chance he will he will yeah yeah then that name brand is going to be worth less than it was before the election already his businesses are taking a hit there are a lot of people like one might say roughly half of america who doesn't agree with the republican side who'd be less likely to buy trump shit now that he's so politically active. And, you know, that's what... He doesn't really sell a lot of things, though, does he? His businesses are being hurt.

The story after story on it was a big news cycle two weeks ago or something like that. His businesses are getting hurt. And he doesn't work with NBC anymore. And that was a thing that he was making money from, too. He lied about how much NBC paid him. And I thought that was the thing that he was making money from too he lied about how much nbc paid him and i thought that was interesting like yeah he said nbc paid him something like 27 million dollars and it was closer to like 1 million and uh like the apprentice yeah and um you know like they they just like caught him on it they're like you know hey did you really make 27 million and he's like yeah absolutely i did and they're like well you made one that's how much they paid you one million yeah you have to

understand the other 26 million was an exposure the value of the exposure that they gave the trump brand like fuck you they paid you a million stop acting like you're earning 30 million here and a billion there and like all your money is just because you're not a visionary like mr trump and you can't see the inherent value in such exposure would he like a man like that he can look at that kind of exposure look at the ratings and he can just put a dollar amount on it yeah he can and it does and he does yeah not speaking to the accuracy of that dollar amount but he can do it and he does yeah yeah it's just how much they pay you to be on pka taylor well i'd put it at 2.4 million a year i mean most of it's an exposure but exactly yeah that's what he's doing and like he lies all the time so that's why he's not

releasing his tax returns because one people would would see what he's actually earning and two, I bet even what he's... He's been filing taxes like someone who wants to pay as little as possible, whereas I think if you take most politicians or even a businessman who aspires to be a politician, they make their taxes really kind of accurate or I don't know. They pump it up a touch and he hasn't been doing that. I mean, the reason he's being audited, apparently he did some shady shit by like trying to make earnings offshore or something like that.

And, um, he's going to lose his audit. I would dare do that. I don't know. This, uh, this whole thing has been one interesting journey.

I'm looking forward to when, uh, to seeing what comes of this whole election, seeing where this goes. What I don't think is going to happen, I said the other day, is I don't think it's going to stay like it is right now. I think something else is going to happen. It's been too exciting and too much of a tumultuous election cycle for this to just kind of keep going like it is. Hillary wins and it's all over. I'm not saying that Trump's going to win, but something else is going to happen. This is going to get juicier.

This is going to get juicier. And Trump could win. It's not like there aren't things that could happen to Clinton that would just completely remove her from the contest, either literally or when the populace sees it. Or something else comes out, yeah. Something else comes out. Something real juicy. Or, you know, when the populace... Or something else comes out, yeah.

Something else comes out. Something real juicy. Like, if we find out that Bill has actually been, like, raping some ladies lately, if that came out, and then it was like, how long has Hillary known? And it's like, you find out that she has known for eight months that he's fathered a child in Guatemala, and there's this, like, half... But there's this biracial Clinton in Guatemala, and they've got pictures of him,

and Trump's down there holding the Guatemalan baby. There's a counter-argument for that, man. Look what I got. Every time a story comes out about Clinton, right? Like, hey, look, here's some sort of pay-for-play. That's what they call it. People aren't familiar with the term pay-for-play. It's when you donate tons of money to the Clinton Foundation. All of a sudden, you're an ambassador. That's what they call it. People aren't familiar with the term pay for play. It's when you donate tons of money to the Clinton Foundation.

All of a sudden, you're an ambassador. That's pay for play. It just recently came out that some big Clinton Foundation donor was also selling real estate in, I want to say Guatemala, but I'm not sure if Kyle just inserted that into my head. But he made this big donation to the Clinton Foundation,

and then lucky, lucky bee, it turns out they need to buy land and his land was on the short list. Now, they didn't buy his land, so it's not as dirty as it could have been. But the thing is, I feel like if I heard that Clinton was guilty of pay-for-play stuff, is that even a big story? We already know she's dirty. If you hear that bill clinton is a rapist aren't we gonna be like that story doesn't have legs like we already know

about a couple women he's raped already you know like it i i don't know what you can what can you it's not a moral i know what you're saying it's not a moral counter argument by saying like well he raped people in the 70s and 80s more than he does now, so let's just put that in the past as the past. Like, it's not a moral argument, but it's just, like, an argument of the news cycle. Like, the news cycle isn't gonna pick up the fact that lots of or plenty of women have accused Bill Clinton of rape,

and Hillary has told them from those victims' mouths that they were told to, like, kinda shut up and don't make a big deal out of this. Like, just, you're not gonna like it if't make a big deal out of this like just you're not gonna like it if you make a big deal out of this because we're the fucking clintons if i told you trump flip-flopped on an issue you'd say yeah yeah of course he did he kind of does that right that's not a story if i told you hillary took money put it in her pocket in exchange for access

to government and favorable bidding you'd be like like, yeah, and she does that. That's a thing that Clintons do. I'd say that's much worse than flip-flopping, but to be fair, the only reason that Hillary's been able to do that is because she's been in power in politics, the Clintons, for so long. Who's to say that if Trump had gotten in power, he wouldn't be doing that same thing? I can almost guarantee he would have.

He would have been doing shit like, ah, Mr. Billionaire from Sweden, how about you donate a billion dollars to my big ol' slush fund over here, and then it just so happens that you get quite a bit of mineral access in the Congo. How would you like that? Suddenly, you're our contractor of choice. A lot of politicians, I think, start innocent and pure, hoping to do good things, great things for public service. And then when they're in politics for 20 years, it just corrupts them, you know, like piece by piece. What they would once never stand for is now just the way the system works.

I don't know if Trump will be as guilty in his first four years as Clinton will. But I would bet if hypothetically he had been in politics for 20 years he'd be awful but that's not the truth that the reality so yeah i tried to uh i tried to put a mailbox up the other day i did put it up um but i knew you have to dig a hole yeah and i knew going in that it was this was going to be an ordeal and my dad was like what are you making such a big deal out of this for you're just putting a mailbox up. I'm like, you don't understand. Things go poorly when I try to do things like this. I'm going to need some help. So I see

Josh is around. So I'm like, hey Josh, you want to get a couple hours in today? He's like, yeah, yeah. So I get Josh. I get all the tools and everything required. Takes us a while to find the tools. First drop cord didn't work. Breaker flipped. Saw broke. Then the blade broke

then we got the board cut so now we're 40 minutes in and all we've done is cut the board then he put the screws in wrong split the board that holds the mailbox had to take everything back apart, cut a new board then we got everything put together now we've got a mailbox to put in the ground

we're an hour in so we get to the end of the driveway, and we start digging. And the ground is really fucking hard, and it's gravelly because it's just off the side of a road. And there's God knows how many layers of gravel. And I'm digging and digging and digging. And then it goes, tink! And I'm like, what the fuck? And I look, and I've hit a gas line.

I've hit a metal gas line. I'm like, what are the fucking odds of that? So we throw the dirt back on that hole. So I start digging again. And just sweat is just dripping off me. It's a hundred fucking degrees. Just ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch pipe that runs under the rope and all i had to do is take like three steps backwards and you could see it sticking out of a little hole down there i'm like god damn it like a culvert right like yeah yeah yeah about uh 16 inches maybe uh so so i moved like three more feet over start digging a fucking get dig dig dig dig dig dig funk i've hit the fucking water line. I hit a three inch, 150 PSI water line.

Almost cut it. Almost. All right. Fill that one. Only after I dug the fourth hole. And these are deep holes to hold a four by four post that we finished. Three hours of work to put up a mailbox. And when it was all over, he's like, are we still going to go move that furniture?

I'm like, I'm fucking beat. This is it. Couldn't you have said with one of those holes like, oh, it just so happens that the depth of a gas line is also the depth of a mailbox? No, because A, there's that fear of, like, putting it on top of it. And then somehow maybe a car hits it. And then it hits the pipe. And then now there's an explosion. And it's a big natural gas line. Like, these aren't just going to a residential thing.

They're going to his whole thing over there. So it's fucking the water line is a big water line. The gas line is a big gas line. No, none of that would have worked, and we weren't nearly deep enough because I really put the thing in the ground a couple feet. It was awful. That's how shit goes for me. When I pick a little project to do, I get ready.

It takes an hour for me to get ready because I'm like, all right, let's get the gloves. Let's get the gloves on. Because every time I start out with something like that, I'll get cut or stabbed or electrocuted or burnt. It's a regular thing. My finger is just now healing up from that last burn. How – oh, weather. I am so excited for the end of summer i i like i every day i look at the weather report and look for positive trends in downward weather i see

like two days with highs in like 88 and 89 and i'm like yeah not 90 you know we were outside today we're just just retrieving the cash cans on the golf cart. Not hard work at all. And this breeze comes by. It must have been like 110. Like, that's not an earth temperature, right? Like, that's not a fucking thing. And it's just like, whew. And I'm like, oh, my God. Like, fuck.

Like, imagine if I was working out here. It was awful. It would be horrible. I can't get out of my car, I can't get out of or into my car without my glasses immediately going, and I have to sit there for a minute and be like, alright, let's let this humidity, like, it's like a half cup of water on my glasses every time I get a transition. It's been so goddamn hot. I was grilling the other day, I was cooking steaks and like i opened the grill and that 400 degree air hits me and i'm already in like 110

degrees or something it feels like and it's just like i gotta take a shower before i can eat this steak it's it august in north carolina is two degrees cooler than um july is or if you're celsius about one degree cooler. And I'm excited about that change. It's not just the two degrees. It's the trend. September is going to be like four degrees cooler than that. And we're only two weeks off September. Good shit's

coming. We're about to have pleasant outdoor weather. I'm excited about every season as it comes. When I go, oh, winter's going to come, I can't wait to bundle up. I'm never excited for winter. I like the fire. I like the snow. I want those white ravens to fucking fly over.

I'm ready for it to get cold. I like all kinds of weather, but I usually like the one that's about to come. You know, I'm excited about summer as it's on its way. But July this year chased me inside, right? And I'm a daily vlogger, and I'm like, well, fuck, how am I going to make a video because it's like fucking Mercury out there. Doing another tour of my freezer today, gang. Right, right?

Not a lot's changed. Let's do a Q&A today because it's fucking hot out. It is so hot. I was chased inside. And I'm very jazzed about like outdoors opening up to me and it's coming and i i can't wait winter is coming and that's what i'm excited about i want it to be cold um i really like it when it's cold i'm probably going to go somewhere where it is cold sooner rather than later i like i feel like i would like to go on like a a three-day weekend

four-day weekend to fucking colorado Montana or Vermont or something like that. You better be prepared for some real cold if you take a trip to Montana. Go now. Like, legit, like, stand outside for ten minutes and lose a finger cold. Like, it's obscenely cold in Montana. Well, maybe not Montana. Maybe somewhere more fun. Maybe go to Kansas City and ride the lopper. But I want to go somewhere where it's a little bit cooler and just literally chill out for a couple of days because it's been so goddamn hot.

And I've been going out. Do you get snow wherever? Yeah, maybe once a year we get snow and maybe once every five to seven years we get enough so that it's like, oh, man, let's go build a snowman. Like it's every five to seven years when you can build a snowman. It's pretty rare. So when I go somewhere like Colorado or when we went to Vermont, I'm kind of like a kid out there. I'm like, look at all this snow, like throwing it up in the air and stuff. Like I haven't really experienced this before.

It's cool when there's like two inches below. Because here it's like two inches below the pretty white snow is like red clay. And it's just like, you go to like grab some snow and you get like, it's muddy. And you're just like, ah,

I don't want to, now my gloves are ruined. Yeah, that's exactly it. But do you go to like Colorado, there's like earth or rock under there. And, and there's the snow is deep enough that you're not like,

it doesn't just sort of transition subtly to muddy clay. It's on top. It's nice, but the cold, cold. I've talked about this before. I went on this off-roading trip. Now, my off-roading car wasn't my truck. It was a buggy, right, with no heat or anything, no indoors to the buggy.

And the temperature was one. As I was like walking to the registration, i didn't have like hat or gloves on dude when it's one out and it's windy and the wind is blowing across i won't even call it snow because it's like a ice pack kind of slippery thing and uh like in a block in in 30 seconds your your fingers are in pain. You go back indoors, and it's like, this hurts. Yeah, this sucks. Yeah, that kind of winter is no fun. I like snow here. I like snow when it wasn't Boise.

When it would snow, it would all come down and be beautiful in that valley where the city is. And then if there was any sun that day, like by 5 p.m., if it snowed the night before all of it's gone it's all gone it's just a little wet out here i hate it because we get a ton of snow and it just festers and like two days in there's just like 15 foot tall piles of just black grimy nonsense that you have to look at until like the first week of april and it just looks horrible I hate that where it's just a reminder of like man that was a shit winner and I get to you know dodge this snowbank on the way to work every day like it I just don't like snow that much it's not every year but Jersey has winners like that too so I know exactly which time North Carolina winters oh they're great they're great

dude it like so first of all all winter long is sunny, right? So it's just happy fucking Sunnyville all winter long. On average high in the coldest month will be like 40. But like twice a week, it's hitting 50 something. If it snows and you want to shovel, do a shit job shoveling. Just fucking suck at it, right? If your sidewalk's three feet wide, do two. And then the rest will just melt right in jersey when you shoveled if you didn't really get it down to the concrete

then you almost made it worse like now you've got this super slippery layer of whatever here if you do a shit job and leave the last quarter inch it'll be like dry concrete there were times in high school where my dad would tell me like go out and shovel the driveway and at this house in particular like the driveway you had like, take an incline up. And if I did, like, a half-assed job and kind of just didn't get it all off, the next day, like I was driving a Jeep at the time, I would have to spend, like, 20 minutes trying to get out because it just would refreeze and it was worse than snow. Because at least on snow, you can kind of pack it down like a snowball and you get a little bit of tread. With ice, it's just like the whole time and it's horrible i got to skip school more than once because i couldn't leave because i i guess i did such a bad job the day before so was it an incline

or a decline it was at an incline so you had to like pull out of the driveway and go up a hill and then leave oh i'm misunderstanding i thought the hill led to the house and you could just slide out to the street oh no no no the opposite and if you mess up one shovel just like you said in new jersey you mess up that first shovel of the season just buckle up because you're going to need tire chains to get out of your driveway for the rest for the next four months or a lot that's when you need your flamethrower get that flamethrower out there just straighten that driveway right out that's actually a that's a good solution i never thought i would say that does your x42 work kyle does it is it still working i have to get mine sorted out it doesn't throw gas anymore like send it back to them they'll straighten it right out i

need to contact them i i it's all me i haven't done it i have a suspicion that because i just buy ethanol like regular gas it may be gelled up or something But it makes the noise and acts like it's working But it doesn't throw gas and all my friends want to see it hmm because flamethrowers are cool Yeah, it sounds like it's clogged in there somewhere if it's it you can hear the pump running when you push the button then Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, maybe the I Don't know. My first thought is maybe something's clogged.

Maybe some trash got in there. The congealing gas doesn't seem like a thing. It's a paramotor thing. I don't know. Oh, and when I bought my pressure washer, they said that too. They're like, don't run ethanol gas in it, which is like every gas. Yeah, but those two things are burning the fuel and running it,

whereas your flamethrower is like pumping it through a thing and just... That is true. It's a big squirt gun, really. Yeah, yeah, with a torch in the front, with the equivalent of a big lighter in front of it. Yeah. My big one got clogged up. It took me a while to get it unclogged from where I ran the.

Did you use poking devices or how did you unclog it? No, I ran acetone through it to dissolve any like goop that was in there. I had goop, lots of goop. Oh, is it because you ran like styrofoam or something? Napalm in it. Yeah. I haven't done that. I don't know.

I just, I got to get it sorted out. I've been sitting on it too long. Yeah, it fun i bet you could send it right back it's one of those things because it's like a grand that like you send that thing back to them i bet they send it they're like oh yeah let's just put a new what do you call it on there and send it back to them that should be the thing i would imagine i need to reach out to them yeah those things are fucking fun man i love my flamethrower um there's i i get it out pretty regularly and just fuck around with it i like shooting in the backyard um lately like as it gets dark if you've got one big light outside there'll be just this huge amount of

mosquitoes and gnats around it so i took my million pound power candlelight spotlight put it out on the uh the pointed straight up, and just waited till dark, and it's just covered with this swarm of gnats and mosquitoes and whatever. And I'm out there, I'm just like, hit him with a fucking flamethrower, and just, like,

you can see him kind of crisping and, like, lighting up a little bit and falling like cinders. One of these days you're gonna, like to catch an owl's wing on fire and see it flying away. And it's, oh, Mr. Johnson's farm! And then there's a huge issue. You know what I did do one day that was a bit irresponsible? Although it's kind of the point of the product. You know those Chinese lanterns that float away into the night?

Yeah. I ordered one of those, or maybe I purchased one at a fireworks store. It's like this really fine tissue paper construction that basically makes a tiny hot air balloon. They're really cool when you've got a lot of them lit because they float. If you don't restrain

them with something, they just keep on going. I just remember watching that thing float away into the night burning and just being like what have I done what have I done don't do that in California oh my god like I was getting more and more nervous

as it because the things it's just a candle that you've let fly away like and it's surrounded by thin paper if you pulled out your concealed and shot it out of the sky would that be responsible or irresponsible? It would be safer in the long run. I don't know.

I would rather accidentally firebomb the neighbors than I would launching some 45 rounds at their horizon. No, a shotgun, obviously. Maybe, but once it was gone, it was gone. It's hard to judge distance but you know

several hundred feet in the air or something like that and traveling maybe just some dragon's breath right that would have taken it down perhaps safely that doesn't circumvent the problem of fire though no it doesn't really yeah it actually starts more fires i can tell you all about that it uh that's a thing that happens for sure yeah i've started several fires accidentally with that dragon's breath we were everybody wants to see it if they've never seen it for the first time and i remember like here take my gun it's got the it's got the fire dragon's breath shell in it you know have at it and i expected him to point it at the ground or one of the many targets or the horizon he points it straight fucking up in the air and it shoots this spray of like magnesium and lead pellets

that are kind of like fireflies going out in the air this many little incendiary streaks everywhere but also there's this slug in the back that's a chunk of magnesium that burns for longer than the air time of it being fired straight up so we all watch side knowing the geneva convention does not allow burning magnesium it's that big a deal well shoot it at germans mostly at watermelon so it's we see this piece of magnesium go sky high and until it turns into this burning pin prick and then here it comes back down and it lands over in the trees uh like through a barbed wire fence 50 yards away and we're like probably didn't start a fire right and then we see the smoke coming and all of a sudden the property owner like drives a big atv through the barbed wire fence just crashes through it

shit's flying everywhere and we all rush into the woods with two liter sodas that we were using for targets and everybody's got to put out this forest fire that we've created in florida it was a nightmare and it's the kind of professionalism i want to know is happening at your compound we started a fire grab one of those shastas and meet me over there yeah we use great soda to put out many a fire. If we're doing something with lots of fire and it's dry, my dad's got this big pressure washer that's got a 600-gallon tank, and it's powered by a PTO, and the wand has so much recoil that you've really got to plant your feet before you start spraying with this thing.

So it's not a fire hose, but it's a poor man's fire hose for sure. But yeah, we didn't have that there. We had grape soda. Sounds like fun. Let me sneak an ad read in here. Seems like a good time. This episode of Painkiller Already is being brought to you by SmartMouth. 20% of people suffer from chronic bad breath,

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Once again, that's smart mouth.com coupon coupon code pka for free shipping or pick them up at your favorite store i have smart mouth experience now i i have used this all right so there's two things one you know how you wake up in the morning and you're kind of aware that you have dragon breath and you don't want to abuse other people what'd you say kyle yes that you have dragon breath and you don't want to abuse other people. What did you say, Kyle? Yes. That shit in your mouth. It's fucking disgusting. My morning is so bad that if I'm with a girl and she wants to kiss me goodbye, I'm like, eh.

I'm glad you said that because my son lacks that awareness, right? He will dragon breath the fuck out of you first thing in the morning. He has no concept. So we started giving him the SmartMouth, and it actually works. He wakes up in the morning and does not have bad breath, which is a treat. The other thing, I used it myself. And so I probably shouldn't mention other brands, but you know you use like Listerine or Scope or whatever, and you just get like a fresh feeling in your mouth?

When you finish SmartMouth, and it's like a binary compound, like an explosive or something. You put it in there and you finish. And it's not that you're not fresh, but I felt like there was a coat of something. Taylor, back me up on that. It's not just – Basically, you're feeling the zinc there. So too many people think that like Listerine did a great job marketing that like,

oh, if it's burning, that means it's working. Really, your body's saying, yeah, you really shouldn't just put alcohol in here because it's drying me out, and you're going to have worse breath in 20 minutes. SmartMouth, it gets rid of all that breath instantly, and it's that feeling almost like... It's different than any other mouthwash you'll use

because it's a little like you'll kind of pucker afterward and be like, oh, that's interesting. It's still there a little. Yeah, that's the zinc binding to those bacteria and preventing it from consuming protein and therefore keeping it from creating more sulfur gas for that 12 hours. So it doesn't only stop the bad breath, it keeps it from coming back, which is it's the only one on the market that can. You guys obviously know I'm biased towards the product, but I've used it for years.

I use it every day. I don't worry about having bad breath, whether it's like a sexual encounter, whether it's use it every day i don't worry about having bad breath whether it's like a sexual encounter whether it's interpersonal like i just don't worry about it and the science you can read at smartmouth.com their website it's not like some hokum homeopathic nonsense like it's real science clinically proven they don't use magnets to cure your bad breath yeah it's not magnets and another thing like i'm glad they touched on it in that is like so this is kind of tangential, but so many dudes, when they're trying to get laid more,

will work out, they'll buy a new car, they'll just take a major they hate to make more money, they'll get new shoes, they'll watch like Real Housewives of Bangladesh or whatever for a talking point with the women they're trying to approach, and they get the ball to that one yard line. They're there, the one yard line. They're about to cram it through the uprights, you know? And then they fumble. Why do they they fumble because they didn't have good hygiene their breath stunk you know you could have a 12 pack but if it smells like you're on the

sauerkraut and cat shit cleanse nobody wants to be near you because that's gross and this is like like if you put so much effort into trying to get laid and improve your life and everything this is just something that's common sense to like you you should never have to worry about it. Like, when there's a solution that's available, just make it so you never have to worry if you're that guy with bad breath. Because it's really embarrassing and people will not tell you. Almost everyone has bad breath. Oh, yeah. I'll usually wait until Mondays to do all of my like errands so if i've got to go to like the bank and the insurance office and meet my we meet with my lawyer and do like five of those things where you go and have to

go into a building wearing a shirt and like fill out papers and talk to fucking professional people i hate doing that but you know i do all that in one day and i remember one day being like four out of five of these motherfuckers smelled so bad that i was like doing this to like keep the fucking stink from hitting me right in the nose my my lawyer is the only guy who's fucking got some breath mints on him like his breath smells great i want him to breathe on me like like like i'm paying for that air fucking breathe it right in my face he must have been using smart mouth yeah yeah he's using smart mouth or something but but like my insurance Rusty, your mouth smells like a rusty trombone.

It smells like you've been eating ass all day, Rusty. And nobody's going to tell that dude. Nobody all day is going to tell that guy that he has bad breath. And you're nose-blind. I felt bad. I found out later he has stomach cancer, and apparently that's why he has bad breath. But still, you've got to do something. SmartMouth, he needs to swallow it then, perhaps.

Anyway, I really have used it it and it really does work so that's the thing yeah they were happy with like chis was saying before smart mouth came on as a sponsor he's like oh you know our audience won't care about that and i was like i guarantee you they will because most of them are young men trying to get laid and this is something that nobody tells you to take care of because no one will tell you your breath stinks because no one wants to be rude when really i see it the same as like when someone has food in their teeth or like a booger i think it's just common courtesy to tell them like hey you got some lettuce in your teeth they're like hey your breath kind of smells like i got this you know mouthwash for you to help you out like that's common courtesy what are some other like like things that you see like you said a booger and like things in

your teeth are there any other things that you see? You said a booger and things in your teeth. Are there any other things that you see a person making a misstep and you don't know whether it's okay to intercede or not? In my head, I was like, oh, perfect segue. Stinky people, BO. Cisco just did a bunch of layoffs. Have you considered the Cisco IT department for people that need hygiene help? Mark it to them.

You'll be doing everyone a favor. Go to the Cisco tech department, and everyone's experience will get so much better. Anyway, smartmouth.com. Check it out. Chiz was wrong. I know you guys like it. I walked around the other day with my fly undone for the whole fucking day, and nobody pointed it. I mean, it's not like I'm wearing underwear. They wanted more, Kyle. They wanted more. the other day with my fly-on done for the whole fucking day and nobody pointed it.

I mean, it's not like they wanted more, Kyle. They wanted more. I'm always wondering when that happens. Why did no one go, hey, dude, zip it up? Nobody could give me that. He wanted more, too. Dude, Cisco laid off 14,000 people. There's a rumor that they're going to lay off. How many people are in the company total? 70 grand.

That's 20% of their workforce laid off. It's huge. People have no idea of total. 70 grand. So that's 20% of their workforce laid off. That's huge. It's a giant. People have no idea of this concept of numbers. When a big company lays off 20%, that's huge. The rumor is they're going to report a loss. They may have reported since I last looked. I don't quickly know. But anyway, yeah.

So the rumor is they had a bad quarter and they're laying off 20% of their staff, which is giant. I had to call my old friends and see who's impacted. When they asked to comment on the rumor, the company just came back and said, like, oh, we're releasing earnings soon. And I guess they'll comment on it then. But on two sides, one, I'm like, oh, I wonder if I was still there if I'd get the severance package I always wanted. It's like I couldn't get myself fired last time. And two, I hope no one who doesn't want to be fired gets fired.

Did you try to get fired last time at all? Not tried to get fired, no. I just, like, I don't know, like I raised my hand. Like, if you need to lay people off, it'll be me. But I was, my boss really valued my work, and I was not near the list. You were not fortunate enough to be laid off. No. They're like, you're the last one he'd get rid of.

I'm like, well, fuck. That's the one place where they need to keep a white guy for diversity. Maybe that's why. We're not allowed to fire you, Woody, technically speaking. You could shit on my desk right now, and I'd just have to take it. You should have said something. You have been using the men's room this whole time. If we lose you, we lose all of our white folk funding.

We lose like 80 grand worth of government funding just for this office if we lose one more whitey. I wonder, like sometimes when they lay off a percentage that big, it turns out that like a particular department, like we knocked off this product line and it's not really wide ranging. we we knocked off this product line and it's not really wide ranging you know it feels it big but they're like ah we're just gonna sell this and reduce our workforce by 20 by no longer making tv set top boxes or something like that then other times it's like there's there's two ways you can like do a slice or you can do what they call a haircut where like every department loses 20 and when that happens it just feels really far and wide like it's like like you know how everyone knew someone in 9 11 like everyone's friend got laid off like everyone has someone they were close to when one in five

people are gone that is now gone whereas when it's more isolated and they just like remove set top boxes then it doesn't spread as wide anyway i don't know in my world cisco layoffs are like a big thing i'm sure they're not to the whole world but oh and then interesting some people are theorizing that the reason cisco's having a hard time selling stuff is that the nsa has cracked their boxes and no one wants to buy our unsecure shit. Oh, yeah. I bet I think I may have read something about that on Reddit. Oh, yeah?

That's interesting. Yeah, because the American government supposedly has their fingers all over Cisco shit, they'd just rather not buy it. Of course not. If you're in China and you need a bunch of routers, I want a Cisco router. No. Just get one from Huawei who like reverse engineered our shit. There you go.

It's the same thing. It's cheaper anyway. Yeah. And you don't have to – all the instructions are already in Chinese. You're good. No, they're not. They literally photocopied the Cisco manual. Hilarious. The Chinese are so good at copying shit. are good. No, they're not. They literally photocopied the Cisco manual. That was hilarious.

The Chinese are so good at copying shit. I mean, no, they're not. To us, it looks like they're doing good, but there's just no laws to stop them. They're just doing it. And sometimes they don't do it well, and sometimes they do. I remember seeing a whole program about the cars that they had duplicated,

and it's like, that looks just like a BMW, but it's a chink W And, you know, it's like, that looks just like a BMW, but it's a chink W or something like that. You know, it's like whatever the fuck they called it. Uh, W probably chink W. Yeah.

It's a Charlie. Yeah. That's Japanese. Japanese can make their own fucking cars. They make great cars. Japanese are on top of the car game. I think I'm really considering not going American next time I buy a car just Japanese can make their own fucking cars. They make great cars. Japanese are on top of the car game. Absolutely. I'm really considering not going American next time I buy a car just because I want a Jeep, but that's the same company as Chrysler,

and I do not want to give them any more money. I got you then. Fiat. I don't even like Jeeps. I don't even like Jeeps, but I saw this Jeep on Reddit the other day, and it looked really badass. It had a bed. It had a truck bed on it.

It had an LS6 conversion. LS6 is an engine I'm not really familiar with, but they put LS1s and LS, several Corvette GM motors, the big ones in there, the 6 liters or 6.4, something like that, in one of these Jeeps. And so I started looking them up, and they're really fucking cool. It's an expensive vehicle expensive vehicle right because you're having someone custom convert this thing to a corvette engine uh what kind of jeep is it that they're making like is it a wrangler is it like one of the bigger bodies yeah it was the bigger body jeep and it had a bed on the back that looked like a hardy bed um i i can't remember the name of the customization shop but i thought that was really cool but again you're i bet when you're done when all is said and done, you're looking at at least a $50,000 Jeep, maybe a $60,000, $70,000 one.

And it's like, why don't you just go get a new Chevrolet? Well, that would be a terrible decision. And there are people out there who can fix it. That's an issue. I used to have this buggy I mentioned earlier in the show. issue like i don't know i used to have this buggy i mentioned earlier in the show jeep motor like fucking chevy tranny toyota axles and lawnmower and cement truck parts on it right you couldn't take it to the dealer to get fixed if the thing just randomly stalls and you don't know why which happened then like no one wants to work on it it's not a car that anyone's had training on.

It's hard to find someone who will even accept it. And if you're stumped, good luck. I feel like with that conversion mix match of Jeep and Chevy, you'd be in a similar spot. You think the Chevy dealer wants to work on that Jeepy thing? Oh, you take it back to the people who made it, I'm sure. They do that conversion there. I get what you're saying, but it's like a super jeep really i it can't really be compared to anything else but i

just thought it was cool it was a cool green color it's super powered i don't know how many horsepower that would be probably 500 600 horsepower i've been looking i looked into it like a really i looked into like a really cursory thing about you know how some people will say like you know i only buy American with cars. I always wondered how that was, how it actually helped Americans. Lots of other foreign car companies are manufactured here in the U.S., and so those are American jobs that are creating the Toyota Avalon's bumper or whatever. And then sometimes Fords are made overseas, and then the parts are shipped here.

Does it really make that big a difference i don't know enough but i think my camaro is mostly canadian this is something i really don't understand right so people who say buy american would argue that the profits come back to america and like so so my truck for example was made in california right it's a toyota sure, like the jobs were in America, but the profits got shipped back to Japan. So there's still this like removing of money from America to some other country. On the other hand, like, I don't know, who are you for? Are you for the guys who build the truck?

Or are you for the guys who like invested in the company? Because it seems like American jobs are the big thing, right? Not the profit. I don't know. I don't know what the right answer is because it's all American jobs are the big thing, right? Not the profit. I don't know. I don't know what the right answer is because it's all so mixed up. So just buy whatever you want to buy. Yeah, and it turns out that it seems like Germany and Japan really make cars way better than we do at this point in time.

I like that. Isn't that because in the post-World War II, we levied so many trade restrictions on importing cars and car parts from other countries and making people prefer American-made cars? That American-made cars, that whole industry was able to stagnate and not keep up with the world. And so then when they did introduce cars from Japan, from Germany, American cars just looked kind of shitty in comparison. Like, that's a very brief, my understanding of it. It's not far from from my understanding either and by the way that is the trump policy that he's pitching when he

says oh we'll just levy the fuck out of these air conditioners so they can't be built in mexico that's the risk you run that you know all of a sudden american air conditioners which have enjoyed this privileged position of not of you know like tariffs on imports start to suck makes no sense when he'll say stuff like oh we have a you know 50 billion dollar deficit with china and it's like yeah because we purchase more goods from them than they purchase from us like we want those goods we're not partnering with them out of pity like oh poor china i'm really trying to sell all these shitty toys like we may as well buy them if no one's going to help them out like no we want those services and products which is why we pay them for that's what i don't get about the trade deficit thing is like all we have a trade

deficit with mexico yeah they rely on that business from us but we're not giving it out of benevolence we're getting it because we want that business from mexico i think he's saying he's pointing out the disparity he's saying hey they they should be getting $30 billion worth of Fords from us, but they're not. I think that he's saying that it's – why is it so unattractive for them to take – to buy our goods, and why is it so attractive for us to buy theirs? Let's fix that problem. Because restriction has made manufacturing very difficult and costly in the United States, and so it's cheaper to ship it to another country. difficult and costly in the United States and so it's cheaper to ship it to another country and then of course people in the US in a free economy are going to purchase goods that are cheaper and of equal quality from different

countries it's a that's as simple as restriction I mean I think labor costs are at least as big a deal as restrictions affect the labor costs I feel like they can stick a bunch of kids in there and if the threshing machine takes their fingers off there's not going to be a class action lawsuit with all these like eight fingered chinese kids coming forward that ain't going to happen but they're not going to destroy your thresher company you don't have that risk and you don't have the epa coming in the chinese ep, whatever they are. They don't exist. If you want to make batteries

in your manufacturing plant in China, you can just dump the nickel in the river, right? Yet here, you got to find some clever way to keep everything clean. There's some kind of joke there, like the Chinese don't have a word for environment or something. The big issue I have with trade

is that the kinds of things that Americans make well, China just steals, right? Which is usually some sort of intellectual property type thing. When you make software, they just get one copy and then they copy the fuck out of it and they sell it like for free on street corners. You think China – if there's a Chinese movie theater, do you think they're really paying proper royalties based on the number of showings that are happening? Yeah, of course not. No. No, hang on. I think with an industry like their movie industry,

I don't think they have a choice because it seems that we get... The American movie studio has to get their cut one way or another. I think that's an automated thing because we see hundreds of millions in Chinese movie revenue go into this film or that film. I don't think they can fuck us over on that as far as like eyes in a theater but of course there's bootlegs all over the streets everything is a bootleg in china like all of the i have friends from cisco right the indian guys and they say that in america like if

all the software on your computer is paid for, there's a sense of pride. Like, yeah, nothing on this computer is stolen. I bought that, right? And I remember like it came from you. You bought Sony Vegas, right? You bought it. I bought it. White Boy bought it. And we were all like, you know what?

I didn't pirate my shit. I bought this. But my Indian friends would look at you like you were stupid. Like you made a bad financial decision. You might as well have taken that money, made a small fire and showed everyone, look at me! It was a different culture. There's no pride in owning it. That guy doesn't wipe his ass, so I

don't really care what he has to say. I think they wipe their asses. Yeah, they use their hand. And that might have changed culturally, but that's a difference. And in China, I think they wipe their asses. Yeah, they use their hand. And that might have changed culturally, but that's a difference. And in China, I think the same thing exists. They're not just stealing shit with no shame. Yes, I can see how IP would definitely be unfair because we're definitely, to my knowledge,

no companies in the U.S. are ripping off state-of-the-art Chinese intellectual property and then proliferating it over here without paying any dues. But it does seem to be the trend. That could just be because we're American, though, and they kind of need to demonize China a little bit. I don't know. The IP

is a very convincing argument. I didn't think about it. I was just thinking tangible goods. Right. I just feel like America makes a lot of IP. But that's what we make right you know it's we make intellectual property they make cars and fucking aluminum cans and iphone this and like everything is around i bet everything in this room as i look around like my ar-15 i know that that was made here but like all these plastic shelves these plastic containers like all this shit is from China. It was probably cheaper to send that weight set over there from China to here with some sort of melted down battleship steel than it would be to make steel here and buy it. I know that there's some restrictions on it.

It seems like something about that American steel is inferior to steel that's made elsewhere because we can't put a certain additive into it because of the EPA. I was reading about that the other day. Interesting. If you want top-level steel for your construction project, it's not coming from the United States because we can't use, I don't know, it's not chromium, but let's just say it's chromium. I know they use chromium to make stainless steel. That's how they do it. But we can't make steel as well as we could be making it, but they can over there.

And I was also reading back when scrap metal was bringing a huge amount of money a while back. I didn't know why. Maybe the average person isn't aware of scrap metal prices, but I was because I've always got these junk cars that we've blown up and I'll wait until I got three or four of them and then I'll scrap them all at once. And steel was bringing like $10 for every 100 pounds, which is high. And I was like, I couldn't understand why. And then the market just completely crashed a few years ago. And now it's like a couple of bucks for every

hundred pounds. And I was asking a scrap guy the other day why that was, and he said it was literally because when China was getting ready for the Olympics back this last time around, they were buying all of the steel that there was. They were buying steel from all over the fucking planet. They were piling those ships full of it, sending it to China, and they were building infrastructure with it. Kyle, how do you get a car that doesn't roll onto a trailer? My car trailer's got a winch

in the front with a cable. And so just winch it up there. Oftentimes, if you park just right so that maybe the trailer's a little bit lower and you've just got to get the car up the initial hump, and then it'll go, then maybe two or three guys can get together and get it going. I almost always try to get cars that run, cars that are running.

But when you're done with them, they seem not to run. And when I watch your videos, they don't look good anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. your videos yeah so they don't look good anymore yeah yeah yeah so to get a car like that onto a trailer um you can wrap a chain around it and lift the the thing high enough into the air with a front-end loader that you can back a trailer under it um or a lot of times i'm you know the guys at the junkyard will come and they use like a big loader and just grab that fucking thing put it in their truck put the loader on the truck and just skedaddle they'll come to you yeah for a for a long they used to always come to me i had a really good deal with the local scrapyard i went to high school with the guy who ran the scales and i

would just go up there and be like hey man i need a car to blow up he's like oh got one right there we'll drop it off this afternoon they would drop it off i would blow it up burn it out then they would pick it up and like zero cost to me because they're burning all the styrofoam, all the plastic, the rubber out of it, and all they wanted was steel anyway. So it was a good deal for everybody. I honestly wasn't sure if the way you handled scrap like those cars was to do that and have somebody come take it away,

or if just after your videos wrapped up, you just continued to blow them up until there was nothing left except for little bits of metal all over your property yeah uh not quite that um the uh some of them have been blown up to the point where there's just not much left to clean up like you just kind of push them away into a corner and just let that collect but most of the time we uh we scrap them out car question so i've been thinking about getting a new car and uh the deal is this i think the ultimate car situation at my house would be something super easy to drive right easy to park easy to drive nice for highways like a hatchback of some sort a truck maybe a half ton because i don't think I need a three-quarter ton, and Jackie's SUV, which is her preferred thing to drive.

So Hope needs a car, and I'm like, maybe we'll add the damn hatchback to the stable, to the fleet, I mean to say. And then I could take the paramotor everywhere with that stupid hatchback, drive four hours somewhere, and it wouldn't be such a big deal. everywhere with that stupid hatchback drive four hours somewhere and it wouldn't be such a big deal um what would you get for an easy to drive car for that hope and i share i've got an old wagon gti in my head oh i like those um those are pretty dependable maybe i don't even know i think it'd be cool too like i look at it and i'm like oh ford focus but i had one a long time ago i'm sure they're much different now but i i have bad taste in my

mouth from ford focus i need more smart mouth hmm i don't know um we're talking about a mid-sized car yeah i'd even do like car a new car i don't think i caught that part stupid used yeah like yeah okay five grand because hope's gonna crash it i don't know i'd look for a volvo or something man those volvos are so safe they invented the seat belt i've crashed a few of them and they literally crash better like like if there's ever a chance for me to like drive the car into something i'd like to do that see what it feels like and i remember we had a volvo xc90 or something like the the suv i think it was and we i hit a tree with that thing going about 25 miles per hour i was afraid to go any faster than that i had on collision 25 miles per hour it's pretty serious it is yeah yeah but i remember being like boom and just being like

oh that was fucking awesome and like getting out and looking and like, we didn't even do that much to, you know, crumpled all the fuck up. I liked. Have you had, did you have like a nice airbag deploy? Yes. Yeah. That's fun too. You got to stay back.

Like, like, like, like, like, you know, you don't want the airbag to hit you. You want to either fall into the airbag or if you're, if you know there's a wreck coming, like I put the seat all the way back, got all the way back. And like, when, when I's a wreck coming, I put the seat all the way back, got all the way back, and when I make impact, I'll do that thing I saw that guy on 2020 do when I was a kid,

the guy who had survived 10,000 car accidents. He's like a human crash test dummy. I remember watching him, and they're like, meet the man who's been in 5,000 car accidents when we come back on 60 Minutes. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. I remember that.

And I was like, all right, I'm sitting here and watching this. I want to know. I want to know what you need to do. And he's got his catcher's knee pads on. They go from knee down to your shins. And he was talking about what to do with your hands so that you're not like have them on the wheel and hurt your wrists or break your arms

or have the airbag burn your forearms or your face. How do you get into that career path of just crashing? You'd probably, maybe stuntman and then you transition? He worked for the NSTCA, the National, or whatever they are, the National Traffic Safety

Highway Safety Association or something like that. So they were literally like crash testing cars. And he was just doing it himself. He just had a knack for it. He had a real itch for it. They were all out of pig cadavers that day. And Bill wanted to make $20.

So his career started right then and there. Have you ever seen those old videos of them using pig cadavers for like air force tests military tests and car collision tests it's gruesome so they anesthetize the pig right he's alive but he's unconscious yeah yeah and then they like sit this full-grown like 200 pound pig up in the seat of like a 76 olds mobile and buckle him in and he's just like you know just laying there in the seat and then that then it's off to the races you know 60 miles an hour at a brick wall or whatever and you know the pig you know they show the pig you know there's a pig cam and he's just kind of jostling around in there a little bit he's not awake he's probably happy as hell he jostles a little and then just bam and of course

he hits that steering column and that steering wheel and it's just just destroys the pig fucks him up or they get the glass or the whole cab collapses and then in the military i've seen them like cram the pig into an ejection seat or uh or any of the like scary scenarios that you might run into that you need to test whether hey would a man die doing this no but a pig will let's do it they just put them in like an ejection seat and we'll lock so they're like sitting there like all right let's make sure let's see how babe does and they go funk and you go he's out he's not awake he's not awake for it um i almost got in one of those ejection seats uh a while back and then it turned out they were like it'll crush all

your vertebrae and i was like well i guess I don't want to crush my vertebrae. But Matt had a decommissioned F-18 fighter jet seat. And all you would have to do is take the seat and bolt it down to a platform of some kind, as if that were the jet, and then fucking pull the ejector. And it literally rockets. Literally, this thing rockets you up, and normally I think they're explosive pins where the canopy literally explodes off of you, poof,

and then you rocket out of the plane. I think that's how it works if you were in a plane, but I'd just be on the ground. So the idea was this thing's going to rocket me several hundred feet, two to four hundred feet in the air at, like, an incredibly high rate of speed. At first, I was like... And then you parachute down.

And then you parachute down. That sounds like such a great ride. I wish it wasn't spine-crushing. Assuming you're not disoriented. Wouldn't you be too disoriented when you're shot up to even react to anything? You don't need to react. No, it's all automated.

All you got to do is, boom, pull, and it's a ride from then on that you may or may not survive. There's a chance I could black, you know, those Air Force guys, there's a reason that they don't black out from three or four Gs that they're regularly pulling. I'm sure some of it is physical training. Some of it is the suit they're wearing, that thing, like, squeezes the blood out of your legs up close to your head. But just me personally, I mean, there are some roller coasters that will make me black out so i would definitely be unconscious on that thing you have a disadvantage the short people are better at it ah really yeah and actually it turns out on a similar vein women are better at it and it's because they're short people

so are short people good at it or are women at it? People whose brain are closer to their heart. Ah, are women's brain. Okay, so short people, I guess. You see the connection? Yeah, because women tend to be short. I'm putting the pieces together now. Yeah. Hobbit would be very good as an Air Force pilot.

Like, that's who you want. If, like, Tolkien times move forward into the present, you'd be looking for hobbits to fly your aircraft. No, wait. You need that dwarf stockiness, and they're also short. You would put the dwarves in the tanks. I was going to say make a whole dwarf

military battalion because I think they'd be very useful. You wouldn't need a specially trained guy to bust down a door. They're strong, ogre little guys and they just would kind of punch it and knock it through. They make their own armor. Beautifully crafted mithril armor

that they could wear into Fallujah or wherever we send the dwarf battalion. Where would you use the elves and the humans? Like, is there any use for them at all? Maybe the humans would be good in command? The humans would probably be good in command. The elves, I don't think would be that useful because they don't, they see everybody else's, like, lower life.

So they might treat it as, like, a game. Air Force, you're saying. That's good, yeah. They're probably Air Force, yeah. I was looking for this quote. Let's see. What quote? I wish I could muster a legion of dwarves,

fully armed and filthy. Like, this is like, I feel war has already found its way to both of our lives. I love that part. And I always wondered, I was like, why doesn't Gimli have some backup? He's just here on his own doing all this shit. Like, he doesn't gimli have some backup he's just here

on his own doing all this shit like he doesn't have a cousin he could bring into the fray at least like a dozen guys or so like it seems like there's only eight dwarves left in all of middle earth around the time of the ring yeah that's like that's what i liked about lord of the rings is that the dwarves weren't like in a lot of fantasy worlds where they're almost like gnomish and like weak and kind of shitty and just good at like crafting stuff i liked in lord of the rings how the dwarves is like they're like the the elite fighting force of like you're about to fight a bunch of people who are smaller than you by stature broader than you and they're all three times as strong as you just across the board they're like they'll just grab your shit were you upset like i was that the movies didn't accurately represent dwarves? Like, for example.

There are no dwarf women. What was the battle? Was it Helm's Deep or the big wall where they had the competition? When he tossed him. Yeah. The dwarf won that. And I felt like he didn't properly win it in the movie. And they did dwarf tossing, as Kyle mentioned.

That's an embarrassment. That shouldn't have been. Like, they really. When they ran. Remember how they ran, like like for ages and ages i think one third of lord of the rings is like aerial shots of people running yeah the dwarves did on cross country very dangerous over short distances but that's not true yeah the dwarves actually while not sprinters had the endurance to keep plowing away and they could carry more and they could run farther yet in the

movie they're like fat kids you know and i just was like dude you're not dude in the books the the um i'm not going for characters the races i guess were balanced you know the the elves were agile like ninjas and the dwarves were big strong strong, stocky mules, and each of them had their pros and cons. Hobbits, by the way, remember they'd throw things in the movie, and they made it seem like it was almost stupid, like, why are you doing that? Hobbits in the book were like

pitchers, you know? Marksmen. Yeah, exactly. That's the word I was going to use. They're like pitchers. Yeah, and they would take a rock, and it would be a formidable problem for whoever they were throwing it at. And in the books, I was going to use. They're like pitchers. Yeah, and they would take a rock and it would be a formidable problem for whoever they were throwing it at. And in the books, hobbits were just kind of luggage

that you had to bring along because they weren't so easily corrupted by the ring. And they're tiny. And they did do, or they didn't focus enough, I guess, on how the hobbits have every other race beat and like thinking off the top of your head and being clever like that's the one part about the hobbit i did like more than lord of the rings

is showing bilbo like clearly outsmarting and playing people manipulating them because that's like the strength of the hobbit is they have to throw shit really well as a last defense but their strategy is to just never have a conflict because they've got people wrapped around their finger or hide what was that or hide or hide they're very good hiders that actually is the thing they they were they're like ninjas in their ability to hide i'm still calling bullshit when they threw that cloak over themselves when they they were at the uh the wall of the the what's the gate of barad- Black Gate. Was it Barad-Dur? No, it was Black Gate.

Okay. They're at the Black Gate, and they throw that cloak over them, and all of a sudden, they become a rock, and that, like, Arabic-looking... Easterlings, yeah. Yeah, he's just like,

huh, I guess I didn't see anything at all. Back to work. Wasn't it a magical cloak? Am I crazy? It was a magical cloak. I know it was, but still, like... Not good enough for you, huh? I guess it's all right. The know it was but still like like not good enough for you, huh? I

Guess it's alright. It just the way it was presented in the in the show I was just like man He just I'm in the movies. He just saw the rocks slide down like it didn't happen for no reason It's like when you play hide-and-go-seek with your two and a half year old like dude your shit at this game quite frankly I'm just pretending. I can't find you this game, quite frankly. I'm just pretending I can't find you, because there's a giant lump on the bed. They're just hiding their face. They're standing behind a curtain, and from the thigh

down, they're showing. You're like, you know what? I don't want to hurt your feelings, but you really suck at hiding stuff. You better hope that the child killers never come for you, little man, because you can't hide your shit. Oh, man. I could have sworn I saw the ring of power around here, don't you? Oh, yeah, dude. It's just a couple of guys, but they're gone now. Ooh, man, I could have sworn I saw the ring of power around here, don't you?

Oh, yeah, dude, it's just a couple of guys, but they're gone now. Who be? Where could they be? They couldn't be under this blanket rock. That's how that movie should have ended, and they'd rip it off, and they'd be like, oh, Mr. Frodo! And then he steals the ring and kills both of them. But, I don't know, that was a scene that was very silly even in retrospect and i thought about it the exact same way you just described it kyle of he would have like you don't just cause a rock slide like if you've ever played on a big

mound of uh small rocks whatever the name of that would be like gravel like slightly larger gravel and you like stand at the top and then walk down like 10 15 seconds after you've got off the bottom there's still like dribbles down the side because it's rock like it doesn't just stop right away am i just describing rock dynamics in a pile of people right now is this the topic do you guys realize how it's not the falling does not end when you get off the pile that's something that nobody realizes needs to be established but let me'm sorry. While you look for a new topic, let me tell everyone a little bit about Blue Apron. Blue Apron's mission is to make

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Because all of the best recipes that I've got have been, well, mostly chicken and beef. But I've been really surprised by how good some of the lamb ones are and they have like a lamb beef like ground mix i like that you get that in a package you know it's going to be a good meal because i had never even thought of that and it's good yeah i had lamb and beef like burgers or something and they were really tasty if your menu's in a rut check out blue apron you guys ready for a joke let's see what you got this is This is the third one. How do you know Darth Vader isn't a black man

underneath the mask? Um, um, um... Is it... It's gonna be a dad joke. Is it because his kids know him? Is it because he knows his kids? Because he claims to be your father. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, good. Yeah, yeah. Yes, you racist bastard.

Never see that from a true black man. That's not even failed racism. No, there's no fail at all. It's just like, hey, black guys like to father kids without really following through. That's a thing they do. Oh, Jesus. You're the one who's like, Wolf comes on, Wolf's like, yeah, I didn't really know my dad. He's like, well, of course you didn't, Wolf.

You're black. He said it was closer to, like, I forget, something about his dad came up and he's like, oh, I didn't really know my dad. And I was like, oh, I forgot. You're black. You're black. It was a great joke. It was a big hit.

Yeah, I like that. It was risky, though, because if Wolf just looks at you like, big hit. Yeah, I liked that. It was risky, though, because if Wolf just goes... It was risky. If Wolf just looks at you like, I don't like racial jokes like that. Yeah, then that would have been awful. Oh, my God. It's like, really?

Yeah. It looks like that would be a dice roll. Because it could be really funny if everybody's laughing together, or it could be supremely uncomfortable for a long time. He could never like me again. I like Wolf. I value his friendship. Wolf, thanks for coming on. I know we won't be talking again, so

maybe you could stop by again when I'm not here. I don't know. I have a topic. If nudism were made mandatory, so you have to be nude all the time, what would be the best or worst changes to daily life that's a really good question uh so because weather would be terrible in most places

i hear you but don't you think that the world would like adapt to that to some extent not human adaptation but like heated sidewalks or something like tunnels everywhere but like outdoor up you know above ground tunnels and above ground tunnel would definitely make it easier but that's something that sounds pretty pleasant if like the weather is just right but i'm picturing heating and cooled like you know i feel like i'm quieting you when we talk at the same times. I don't mean to. But, like, you know, just sort of, like, picture, like, a heated and air-conditioned bus stop that just kept going. Glass on either side. And this is where the people go when they, I don't know.

You're right. Weather would be a big issue. Weather would be bad. Any kind of a sporting event would now just be so much better. Like, especially if it's female sports. Like, now you're getting this. Now there's just titties flopping everywhere. Any situation where you already are like, wow, there's

a lot of attractive women here doing this particular thing. Anything like that would instantly become ten times better. I don't even know. Anything where my dentist is hot, I'd be the dentist all the time. So she'd be, like, leaning over into my mouth.

It'd be the best. I love it when your internet world and your real life collide in situations like this. Like, oh, you know, next time she sees you, I heard you were talking about me on that show of yours. Oh, yeah. Hey, lady who cuts my hair, let's get it on. Lady who cleans my teeth, you you too any of those ladies who

are out there who i who know me you know what you didn't think about with the sports thing the seating that is going to be gross any kind of public seating at a restaurant at a sporting event at a like public shuttle at the airport no matter where you go, you have to bring your own towel or something to sit on. And at that point, it's like, why am I even naked anymore? I'm carrying a towel around. So this was an Ask Reddit question. And having read it, my thought process is heavily infected by theirs. Well, hang on.

We haven't gotten to the negatives. No pockets. Oh, I was thinking of places and things that would instantly be like, oh, this is so much worse. Everyone's naked now. Fuck the DMV is worse when it's naked DMV. Like, god, the smells are ten times more potent.

That guy just ripped off my foot. I'd have a knife, a flashlight, keys, a wallet, and a phone in my hands all the time. How much would that suck? I thought you were going to put them in your ass or something. That's where you have to go with that, I think.

Now you need your everyday carry kit has to fit into a cylinder about this big around. I feel like over time we could use a bigger cylinder. 29, sir. Okay. Here you go. Here you go.

Here you go. Oh, okay. Okay. Oh, you're 15 cents short. Just keep it. Just keep it. I can't do this again. I feel like right now, the women give me stuff to carry because I have, like, guy pockets.

If the world were naked, I could give shit to them to carry because they really have more pockets than me. Yeah, that's true. They would still have more pockets. Like, they'd still have more carrying area. But a good thing would be anywhere where, like, swimming is public. I think that would be a benefit because it's just more... It's objectively better to swim naked, I think, and that would be more fun. If you could just hop in a pool naked and not have to worry about it.

But every one of these contingencies comes with the risk that there's going to be a ton of gross people around. I feel like even, like, if you grab a 7 out of 10, right? You know, guy, girl, doesn't matter. They probably look better with clothes on. Yeah. I'd say most people. Very few. 95% of men look better with clothes on i'd say probably like

60 percent of women look better with clothes on 70 i was gonna say i might go a little higher yeah yeah like it and even good-looking women can look even better with clothes on i think so you're picturing this as complete nudity i'm picturing it as everything has to be showing but you can accessorize so like a shelf bra you know it just it's just lifting and putting them up there but the whole titty is exposed like it says so i'm thinking like shelf bras and like belly necklaces like a night like see-through negligee's like fanny packs would make a big comeback i'm'm sure. Because boom, you've got all your shit right there hanging on your side. Those would be fashionable again.

Those only look bad if you're wearing them with other clothes. But if you're naked with a fanny pack... You know how when you walk around naked, if you keep the same tempo for a second, you start to get the same hitting of your dick hitting your thighs. My knees, right?

And if you run yes you run real quick and like no but that's like it would be so uncomfortable as everyone's walking like picture town square or time square everybody's like walking to their jobs or walking around looking everybody's kind of in that like new yorker fast-paced walk and all you hear is like a weird like thudding applause of cocks hitting and then like you'd hear from behind you it'd be like a like a blinker you knew someone was coming in quip when you heard let him through this guy's fucker's got somewhere to go it's funny the stadium lets out and there's just this like subtle clapping yeah funny running down the stairs you know do you ever get that clap they're running down the stairs clap where you like your

balls and dick like like make like a weird like almost like your balls like make like a cup and like hit the side of your leg and it's just like a lot like pop pop pop and like when you go down the stairs in the right tempo that would be a good thing that we get to experience so if i'm wearing like basketball shorts with no underwear there's stuff's doing all kinds of stuff in there making all kinds of like every now and then like the ball is like swinging the scrotum just well enough to like make some sort of cup and then it cups against your thigh or your ass and it's like it's like a perfect little pop it's like it's like that perfect little it's like it's like that it's not just like a little tap it's like a perfect like acoustic plop because

I have a daughter I'm just not getting the same amount of naked running in that you guys are yeah I guess not yeah I do a mile of naked running every morning before cops and it sounds like this before cops pick up my area. And it sounds like this. Yeah, that's... Oh, that fucker's running again. This one's either really excited to be awake at this time, or that he's naked.

I wonder if fanny packs are super popular at nudist camps. Like, I imagine they are. I was picturing more like, you know those gym backpacks, where it's like you can get them for free at a finish line of like two bucks, where it's like that weird bag with a cinch at the top and you wear those that's what i was imagining but uh rape would skyrocket so that's a negative yeah yeah definitely rape would skyrocket um i i could get into the nudist thing the nudist thing would be kind of fun i think uh i need ever since just like kramer ever since i moved from like loose boxers over to boxer briefs

a few years ago i really now when i just wear regular boxers if that's all that's clean left i it's it's all flipping and flopping like that i feel like i just like it more when i have that me undies feel of like you know everything's under control here like we got this i feel like i use my dick for storage right like not on the inside but just picture like an elastic keychain or something right you just sort of loop it on there right it's funny you mentioned that um when we were like where is this going i got two things about this so when we were like 16 or 17 uh i remember my cousin and i were we're working we're outside like making a fence or something and and he says, you know, they're having a big motorcycle rally type thing over in Milledgeville or wherever the fuck it was.

And it was like the last night of it. This is like Sunday. So Sunday night is the last night of the weekend motorcycle rally thing. He's like, there's naked chicks there. There's wet t-shirt contests. It's like mardi gras or something and i'm like well that sounds great so we drive all the way there and it's drizzling a little bit and night is falling as we get there so the thing has really petered down

we saw one at one woman's butt we saw one woman's awful boobs i saw so much dick so much dick guys everywhere just naked with and and they had like beads tied to their cocks and so like so the guy has has like his dick pierced like like the head of his dick is pierced and then there's beads like looped through it and then back through themselves risky so it's just risky move especially especially around all those motorcycles, right? That Harley grabs hold of that bitch and you're not going to be a man anymore. Maybe a stray cat runs by. There's just no good news from dangling shiny bees. A falcon needs something to build a nest and just... I was so disappointed because this is like an hour and a half drive and like $20 entry fee.

I thought I was going to be like, what? And when we got there, we could see that there was some cool shit before we got there. There was a big stage where they had had like a wet t-shirt contest and everybody was like, yeah, yeah. They just stripped down like G strings. And then they're like flashing their pussies and like trying to win. And I'm like, we missed the pussy and ass. Like, like we got here for dick swing in, basically, is what you're telling me. It was the most disappointing thing ever. And a little bit gross. That was a lot more dick than I had ever seen.

And then the other thing, you were talking about storing things in your cock. On the Stern Show, they had a competition where Sal Gravenali competed against some fan to see how many M&Ms they could fit inside of their foreskin so he like he like takes his foreskin and like spreads it a little and holds it open while richard christie puts one after another m&m into the cup that he has provided he's like yeah get them in there stuff them down yeah yeah poke them in there and And they're counting them off. 15, 16. And in the end, the other guy just had a much bigger cock and a much bigger

foreskin, and he had like 28 M&Ms in there or something. And then at the end, they were like, oh, but the funny thing is Sal's like, hey, how about this? Loser has to eat all the M&Ms. Oh, that's fucking revolting. The other day, the contest they had was called Prostate Karaoke.

So while they're in the proctologist's office, he sticks the ultrasound probe in their ass. And the ultrasound probe is to do a prostate exam. To do an ultrasound of your prostate, it's much more effective than other techniques. And then, you know, just a finger, you're only touching 20% of the prostate. This thing gets 100% of the prostate. The problem is, 100 of the prostate the problem is it's a dildo it's a dildo they're just gonna put a condom on and put in your ass so the the the gag is they had uh three or four of the guys in there and they start singing a song of their choice care this is the karaoke part so he's just like these eyes these eyes and eating a lot of love but're never going to see another love like I had with you.

That's another one where let the bodies hit the floor is the perfect choice. Let the bodies hit the floor. Let the bodies hit the floor. Let the bodies hit the floor. Just right in your anvil. They start probing these guys as they continue to sing, and the probing lasts for like a good 30 or 40 seconds or something. He's in there.

He has to like basically move it side to side and ultrasound your prostate. He's like doing a full 360 on this thing, which in reality looks a lot like he's just trying to get you off by fucking you in the ass with a dildo. It was really funny because none of them seemed to want that thing in their butt, and they were all having a real hard time singing. what if they had an uncontrollable boner like um like oh benji benji starts like the guys got it in benji's butt first of all benji crawls on the table doggy style instead of getting on his side they're like benji you just watched three people do this

you know that's how we're going to's happening stop it and so he finally gets he's like sorry sorry about that i'm just excited and he's straight he's just trying to make the doctor as uncomfortable as possible he gets on his side and the dog stick and he's singing his song he's singing some country song i don't recall but uh he gets it in there or whatever and benji's like ah ah don't and the doctor's like do i need to stop he's like no no i'm gonna come soon he's benji retarded i don't i don't know him or is he funny benji bronx uh like 43 year old writer on the show who like he has a lot of like issues with his own personal life he's a real lame fucker but he's a great writer and he's working on the show

for many years um but but he's just a a character he's he's he's kind of an asshole they're kind of got him in the whack pack here i mean who are the other people that the other people are um sal who's a writer and the prank phone call guy sal gervin alley he's getting in his butt um the other guy is this he's half black half jewish uh like professional comedian like it was his idea he's a well-known comedian he's in there getting it they're like uh did you poop this morning he's half black half jewish uh like professional comedian like it was his idea he's a well-known comedian he's in there getting it they're like uh did you poop this morning he's like hell no i ate a ton of indian food last night though and uh the other guy and richard that's the other guy so like three of the writers from the stern show plus a professional comedian went and did this the whack pack they're the ones that are like shitting in diapers and stuff they

had wendy the retard come up from florida the other day and she's like a i don't know how old wendy is uh there there are different reports but she is retarded she does wear a diaper she plays the lotto with all of her cash and she shits herself regularly they they stop at a rest stop they send her in to poop they're like go use the bathroom and we won't have any issues. She forgets to use the bathroom and goes to the lottery machine instead, buys a bunch of lottery tickets, comes out to the car and starts scratching them off, and then shits herself right there.

It's awful. Here's an interesting question. Hopefully. When is the last time you shit your pants? Is the last time you shit your pants. Nah. I'm having a hard time. Maybe.

I think we've talked about this before. And I had a really hard time coming up with it. Because like. I usually. Like maybe I'll poop a little. Like a little come out. But like it doesn't get on my underwear. It's like still contained in the butt cheek. Like maybe I'm rushing toward the bathroom. And I'm just like ah and a little poop comes out

But but I make it I don't remember like going like I'm not saying it has to be like the way a child shits their pants where it's just fucking like a hundred percent Like no I'm just saying like in it the way an adult does like the way you're saying like maybe you get some on your underwear you get some on your pants like goes down your leg a little bit and even that's like extreme because as an adult yeah it happened to me this year you haven't i like yeah so i i was just i was around the house or something maybe i was in the stable and i think i was trying to finish my task

before I went to the bathroom break. I didn't want to go to the bathroom and come back and wrap up whatever it was I was doing. I think I'm five minutes away, but I'm not. I'm 10 minutes, and then 10 minutes in, I'm like, well now I'm only five minutes away. Surely I'll start getting productive, or I'll stop hitting Kyle mailbox- like roadblocks you know in everything I do and so five

minutes stretches to 20 and at that point like I have like trusted a fart that did nothing to earn my trust and you know and I'm like alright I think you know as I'm like we'll go into the bathroom and assessing the damage I'm, I think it's like Kyle described, like maybe I pooped, but not so much that it's on my underwear. And I look and like almost all my underwear is black. Like one day I decided this is what I like. I got like a gazillion of them. And I look at it and like upon closer examination, sure enough, like maybe if you took two pennies right next to each other, there's a problem. A stain in my underwear.

Like a peanut-sized bunch of shit. No, no, no. It's liquid, right? So it is just, I look at the underwear. It's the poop pre-cum. Yeah. And I briefly tried to deny that that might actually be poop. To yourself? Yeah. You're like, that wouldn't be me. I'm fucking in deny that that might actually be poop. To yourself?

Yeah. You're like, that wouldn't be me. I'm fucking in my 40s. No, yeah. I probably just sweat a lot in that one spot by my anus maybe. Yeah. So – and then sure enough, that's it. Now I have to go about the task of somehow getting it in the laundry because I I don't do my own laundry, without it being discovered.

Throw those fuckers away. Yeah, and I look in there and there's like not washed whites in the washing machine. I'm like, well, I can't put these in there. And I'm just like, well, maybe here in the middle of the hamper. Did somebody kick their pants not eating that recently? Now some unsuspecting member of Woody's family has to reach in with a hamper and get like, oh, is that chocolate? Yeah, no, the thought process was that it would be dry. That's a lot of cocoa in there.

That's 80 or 90%. Damn, that's high quality chocolate. Maybe Woody's got a chocolate sponsor. What's with the fingernail Damn, that's high-quality chocolate. The thought process was that – Maybe Woody's got a chocolate sponsor. That's a little fingernail here. Let me just get it all. God, let me just scrape all of it out. Oh, yeah.

You know it's got antioxidants in it right here. Yeah, yeah, it's true. So I thought that maybe by the time the laundry was done, it would be dry, crusty or something. And then it would just get processed in there. And I never did hear about it again again so it might have actually worked out so never brought it kyle did you have one from a while ago where you were still an adult and you shit your pants well no i i don't think i do but but but there was of course that time when i when i was in florida like spending the night over at the girl's house and then i wake up the next morning and i'm gonna drive all the way back to

georgia you know like like seven eight nine hours whatever the fuck it was and like her bathroom provided just no privacy like not enough it was like that costanza thing like that bathroom was not going to provide me the privacy that i required and uh and so i just didn't shit that morning i just took a shower and then left and you know like an hour later i was like oh oh this is a little rough this is sweating a little bit here and i just kept pushing it until like it was going to be an explosion and then that's where that whole story about going into the gas station and like walking in like like i've already taken the belt off in the car you know it's already off and it doesn't look like i'm sprinting to a bathroom with an ass full of shit. So I'm, like, looking at the sunglasses first, kind of playing it cool.

Like, I just casually walked in. I'm like, oh, you know, I could kind of take a little tinkle. Maybe I'll go in the bathroom before I leave. And so I kind of casually walk in. I remember, like, turning the doorknob slow because I don't want to make a big deal. I don't want to be like, trying to get in, pushing instead of pulling. Let me in! Let me in!

I didn't want to make a scene. Man, when I got in there, it was just lightning mode, though, just getting the pants down, and I just knew that I wasn't going to be able to squat before the poop started coming out. So as soon as my pants were down, I just bent over and kind of spread my butt and pointed it at the toilet and unleashed

hell. It's interesting. It was diarrhea with intermittent clumps. So it was like this machine gun fire where it was like liquid solid. And I was just like, I kind of like look back and I can still see it going. And it was just, I ruined that fucking back. I've been there.

Right. And it's like, if you needed two more minutes, you could have perhaps pulled that off. But I don't know at the end, if you needed two more seconds, that was not an option. You know,

it's just like, it's the mechanism has been fired and you can't put it back. Every step you're getting closer to the bathroom, the urgency is growing, and that's all mental. It's because your body knows that it's getting ready to shit. Sure, sure. But I honestly believe that I pushed this shit to the very fucking edge. I redlined this shit. This wasn't like when your car puts that little fuel low light on. on you still got 25 below the line yeah yeah we we broke the needle off there

is no gas in the tank or rather the tank is full like it is full beyond capacity and like all it would take is a cough a sneeze or like tripping and falling like imagine that if like while getting into that gas station i trip and fall and shit myself right there and it and like what do i do then that would be the worst our friend mo he his brother was explaining how he's back to his apartment to take a shit and like he's in the cab he's in the backseat of the cab just like i empathize so much with that and he's like he pulls it gets to the place and he's trying to like he just wants to give the guy the fucking money and go and the

guy's like alright that'll be a chick chick chick chick chick chick and he just goes and just completely empties all the shit right there in his pants just full-on drops off complete huge dirty diarrhea load right there in his pants just full-on drops off complete huge dirty diarrhea load right there in his jeans and underwear and this guy keeps like a counter like oh it's been 37 days since I last shit myself apparently it's a really common thing with this home or gentlemen gentlemen so the reason I brought it up because I have a good one of the last time I can remember doing it for real it was my freshman year of college and my dorm dorm was about, I don't know,

like a half-mile walk from this cluster of buildings where I was taking classes. And I went, finished one class, and I had like a 10-minute break, and then I had another one in the same building, and I finished the first one, and I was like, you know what? I'm not going to that second class.

I'm doing fine in it. I'm good to go. Because I really have to shit, and I don't want to shit in this building toilet. I want to go back to my dorm and have some peace and quiet while I take this large shit. And so I'm like, okay, so I leave having to shit at like 30% intensity, but the, the, the dream of doing it in privacy is enough to keep me going. And so I start walking back, got my backpack on, I make it about a third of the distance and I realized, you know, I'm going to, everything's going to be okay. It just got really intense really quickly but this is just like

one of those storms that you weather you know when that storm in your bowels goes it's gonna do that thing where it goes blue blue blue blue and like yeah you know that you just caused that that toxic level to rise in your system where i just kind of clenched and felt the and it fills up a little bit more and about i'm probably 400 yards away from my dorm building when i realized like i need to shit right now like right now and so i start sprinting keep in mind this is not just me going home from class like 38 000 people go to this school and so the crosswalk hundreds of people getting across and i just sprint across because i everybody's looking at me because the guys i'm the only one running i run i get to the door of my uh the dorm building i put my card in

it was just a card it wasn't like a code or anything so i put my card and i rush in i get in the hallway of where my dorm is and i was in my head like i this is the moment where i knew i lost when i started i stopped thinking i can do it 10 more seconds 15 more seconds i can do it i started thinking how bad could it be if i just shit my pants and i start thinking like real fast i get up to my door and i put the card in and it does the green beep where it goes beep beep beep and then i put in like 1758 or whatever i misclick i misclick on the card dip and so then i have to stand there for an extra three seconds i'm doing like a military style jog in place like this as i'm standing there like come on come on

please please please please clenching so hard i dip it in again I get the green I put in and I'm as I'm like on the third number I remember it was like a seven I about about eight percent of that shit came out and I knew from that moment as soon as it came out I knew that I was on the block or now it is no longer a war of complete victory Taylor now it is a war of getting into that bathroom without shit getting in this hallway or all over your dorm. And so I get there real quick. I literally, I was wearing pajama pants. We lost the ass.

The underwear will go soon. We have to fight for the hallway and the living room, goddammit. I was wearing pajama pants, and so I I was wearing pajama pants, and so like, as I was like dipping it, I had already taken this precaution to where I pulled my pajama pants and so i i was wearing pajama pants and so like before as i was like dipping it i had already taken this precaution to where i pulled my pajama pants up like this and with my left hand i was holding my pajama pants like this to keep it from potentially spilling out and so i was sitting

there i finally got it open burst in went into the bathroom just took a shit and like the the 10 seconds of like getting evacuating was so great but immediately after that i was like oh my god like reality set in and i was like i i wasn't paying enough attention to know whether or not there's shit leading in here there could be shit everywhere so i start like looking around trying to like be like okay are there any like little droplets or anything around here checking like my legs like no i'm good and it was i i really dodged a bullet semi on that i i'd say i took an arm shot i didn't dodge the bullet but but it could have been worse that's the last time i see those people on reddit who have just full-on shat their pants and you can see it through their pants and they're still in public and it it's like, what are you doing here? Like, your tax refund can wait, ma'am.

You should leave the car and go clean the fuck up. Like, what are you doing here at Subway with shit pouring out of your asshole? Like, that six-inch, well, wait. Like, get home and clean your ass. Yul Vermeire did that in the Octagon in a UFC fight. He shat himself? He did, yeah. Like, it makes sense that you'd shit yourself, did that in the octagon in a UFC fight he shot himself he did yeah a couple makes sense that you'd shit yourself because you're getting knocked out right it makes sense to shit yourself if you use diuretics to make weight illegally

oh I didn't think about that as being okay yeah cheater was it was a very watery shit I suppose it was it was yeah, yeah. Yeah, can't hide that. And, of course, we watched that video where the, like, really amateur UFC fighter shat himself. And there's, like, diarrhea poop on the mat. And everybody is like, oh, oh, shit. Oh, that's human feces. And they're, like, all, like, getting their distance from it. They escorted him, like, out of the octagon and down the hall.

And all the audience is like, ugh. No, they're fucking snapping his picture. They're fucking taking it. They're like, that's the guy that shit himself. And some people have the good grace to be like, I'm not going to look at the guy who just shit himself. Let him walk by. We'll pretend like he's not there.

But some people are just like, ah! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. He shit himself. Ha! like he's not there but some people just like you can see like this guy's nightmare scenario occurring right now he just got his ass kicked in front of thousands he's come there from like some might say he got the shit kicked out of him literally from kansas to like the east coast they're fighting and let's call it baltimore i don't remember exactly where and i remember thinking like well and i remember thinking that he's probably thinking you know it's a good thing and nobody will know about this i'm from fucking kansas you know nobody knows bill from kansas out here baltimore sure i shit myself but could have been worse and then it blew up all over reddit all over youtube like

there's a cnn article like got the poop kicked out of him you know it's just like the most embarrassing thing of ever you're never gonna live that down mortifying yeah it was very embarrassing there's a new ufc event coming up have you guys been like engaged at all in the ufc 202 yeah um yeah man I really, really liked that press conference with Connor and Nate Diaz that went down. I don't know what was happening at the beginning of that, but it ends with Nate Diaz

and Posse sort of walking out of the building as Connor curses and screams at them from the stage with a microphone and they curse back. Then he's like, you know what? I'm going to throw some fucking monster energy drink at these bitches. And he starts chunking

the cans and Dana White's like, no, Connor, no, no, Connor, no! And he's just like whoo, fucking slinging these full, big, 20-ounce monsters at Nate Diaz. And Nate's throwing water bottles back at him, beaning people in the back of the head in the crowd.

Not just Nate, his whole team. It's the greatest thing. Dude, I love how dissected. Can we watch a clip of it? I haven't seen this. Yeah, sure. That's a great idea. So they're fighting in UFC 202? Yeah, rematch.

Yeah, they're about to. Yeah, so Conor McGregor was going to fight the 155-pound champ. He pulled out. Diaz comes in on short notice. Conor pretty much smashes him in the first round, but tires himself out. Nate Diaz finds his groove. You could make a Conor argument and say Nate, because he hadn't had a full camp, wasn't really in his groove. Comes second round.

Nate gets the best of him. He throws this weird one-two. Like, you know, everyone knows one-two, right? He throws them almost at the same time. Like, it's a weird thing. But they both land one after another. Connor's on Queer Street, and Nate wins. So let me get the footage that you're looking for.

I've been to Queer Street in quite a while. Were people who weren't on either team getting hit with bottles and cans? Yeah. We'll get the... None of Nate's team's barrage even made it to the stage. A lot of weak arms out there, I guess. Dude, Jake Shields in particular

throws like a girl. Jake Shields, total badass. Very, very tough guy. He's beaten some top people. But I believe Kyle throws way better. Throwing's kind of... Not everybody can throw. I can't throw.

I mean, I've tried to throw with my left hand, and it's an awkward thing. Like, I know the mechanics, but making my arm fucking do it is hard, so I can imagine when someone just doesn't know the mechanics. Like, they say throw like a girl, but they mean throw like somebody who doesn't understand how to throw something, you know?

That's because most girls don't know how to throw things very well. Yeah, well, I mean, softball's a big fucking example of that not being true, though. Like like my I've known plenty of girls who played softball and they can throw. So I mean, like baseball style throws like, yeah, softball, of course. Like, well, you know, they do that in the outfield. You know, they throw the softball overhand everywhere except for the pitching. So those girls can throw stuff. But I remember what I keep going back to the Stern show i but i listened to four hours of it a day so

no surprise but you know gary delabate the producer of the stern show threw out a pitch in a mets game and it's been mocked endlessly it's so so embarrassing and so pathetic um they won't let him live it down and then of course he goes on the on the Jimmy Kimmel show, and Jimmy pulls out a catcher's mitt and a ball. He's like, let's go. Redemption time. He hit a woman in the crowd. Yeah. Are you serious? We talked about that before. Oh. Oh, man. He looks angry in the thumbnail.

Dude, it's great. I have an ad. I'll be queued up in just a moment, though. Okay, I'm ready. All right. Ready, set, play. Crackhead essays.

I'll do nothing. I'll do nothing. Somebody scream super smash Diaz. So, yeah. So, Diaz's like brother shows up, says let's leave. there and see. So, yeah, so the... Diaz's, like, brother shows up, says, let's leave, and they just start walking away.

And he's flipping the bird and stuff, and I think soon Diaz is gonna throw a water bottle at him. Shut your fucking mouth, you little nut. You little fucking nut. That woolly is a little nut. Get the fuck out of here! Get the fuck out of here! They're just, like, walking away, flipping the bird. Get the fuck out of here! Get the fuck out of here!

They're just like walking away, flipping the bird. Fuck you! So now water bottles are going back and forth. Look at it. Connor can throw. He grabs some monster cans. Connor, don't throw those fucking cans! I saw a fan get hit. You see him hit that fan? No.

He threw it in the back. Dude. I'm going to come off like a Connor butt kisser in this. I'm the fan. But, so Nate Diaz's whole team is filled with, like, killers. Like, they're very good. It seems like he has all these guys who are either they're just contenders, I guess

I'd call them. His brother, Nick, is a badass. Fights 170 and 185. Jake Shields, I mentioned earlier, total badass. Who am I leaving out? Gilbert Melendez. He's viewed as a future champion someday once he gets over his steroids issues. They're just really, really tough guys from top to bottom.

And they're all pretty street. Like, they're just, like. A bunch of crackhead essays, it's kind of called. Yeah, I guess what I'm trying to say is they're ready to fight all the time. Like, Khabib Nabagana, fucking Russian name I can't say, they see him, like, I don't know, in the stands, and they're like, let's fight, you know, here in the stands, and they really do it. You know, Nick Diaz lost a fight to a strong blonde guy. I can't remember his name. Anyway, they both get sent to the hospital, because they're both hurt. Nick Diaz wins the hospital fight.

Like, fight number two, Nick Diaz kicked his ass. Joe Riggs was his name. They got in a fight at the hospital? Yeah. Yeah, they get in a fight at the hospital. Like, Joe Riggs is there, like, I don't know, getting bandaged up and stitched and stuff like that. And Nick Diaz is outside his hotel room just fucking mean mugging him. Like, fuck you.

Fuck you. Just like, you know. And he's like, I'm getting sewn up. My nose is. Like, you know, I won the fight. But he's not like total apologetic. He's maybe fuck you back. And sure enough, they just start throwing.

You know, they get like IVs in and like that like bottle on the stand. They're throwing fights. And apparently Nick got the best of them in the hospital, but not in the octagon where it counts. and that bottle on the stand. They're throwing fights. Apparently, Nick got the best of them in the hospital, but not in the octagon where it counts. Clearly, the guy who got beat up. Oh, wait. Nick lost that fight?

Nick lost the fight in the octagon, but won it at the hospital. Once he got his hands on that bedpan, though, there was no turning back from there. He was fucking pounding him with that. There's something about the 209 guys. I don't want to give them a lot of credit. I don't want to say they're tough. They're just willing to fight it in appropriate times, right?

Like Ronda Rousey, right? They ask her, like, you know, are you going to kick her ass backstage? And she's like, no, I'm a professional. If you want me to fight, you have to pay me. The Diaz's, they do that for free, right? They're more than happy to do that. to fight, you have to pay me. The Diaz's, they do that for free. They're more than happy to do that. And when they say

my team will kick your whole team's ass, they really would like to stage that. They would love to do that. If you catch them in a back alley, you can expect that. For real. It's not just talk. And I say that because it fucking happens all the time. Like, Mayhem

Miller went into the octagon in an effort to talk trash and maybe get the next fight. Like call out the winner. His whole team jumped him. They're fucking kicking him, punching him, whatever. They beat the fuck out of Mayhem Miller after the fight. You will get jumped by Mayhem.

Mayhem Miller is down taking a real ass whooping from Nate Diaz and at least four to five other men. Feet, elbows, the whole night. These are all like five professional fighters beat up this guy. The Diaz brothers will really kick your ass. But what I was trying to, it's only going to take me a while to get to, Conor's not afraid.

He's like, you'll fucking do nothing, right? They throw water bottles. He throws back monster energy cans, right? He's like, I'll fucking do nothing. He's looking for like a five-gallon cooler bottle to fucking, you know, like lunge at them. Like, you throw bottles, I throw cans. He's looking for like a five gallon cooler bottle to fuck you up. Like you throw bottles, I throw cans. Fuck you. The plastic bottle. He, um, you know, I just, again, I guess I'm looking at this through Colin, you know, Connor colored lenses, but I dude, if two Oh9 wanted to kick my ass, the game we'd be playing is hide and seek, right? Like, you know, what's Woody doing under the table?

I'm fucking hiding. The Diaz brothers want to kick. Connor is like, you know, I will do, you'll all fucking, all of you, fuck off. There's 12, no, I'm exaggerating. There's like seven or nine people throwing bottles at him. And he's throwing cans back by himself. Conor McGregor, he's like, you know, a lot of people in the fight

business are pussies. You wouldn't think so, but this fight business is filled with pussies. And to Nate's credit, he's not one of them. I really like Dana. That to me was the funniest part. When Dana's like, Conor, don't throw that. Conor to Conor. You can tell. And what do you think Conor should be oh all right almost lost me head there

you're serial you're serial follow me like each arms I'm throwing cans of people all these Mexicans chasing me out there's there's some MMA fans who are upset with Connor because he's fighting Diaz twice in a row, right? He's got this 145-pound belt, but he's not defending it, so they're upset. And I want to be like, remember how we got here, right? He was calling out Dos Anjos, the champion of the weight class above his. Plenty of pussies have called out the champion below them. Like, oh, yeah, I fight a 185.

I'll take on you, 170-er. Very few are looking to go up and fight the heavier guy. They wanted to have GSP versus Anderson Silva forever. Never happened. If the guy actually fought Nate Diaz, he'd beat the shit out of him. I'm sorry? Who were we talking about? If the guy he was shitting...

You said Diaz was shitting on Santos? So, Conor McGregor wanted to take out Dos Anjos was his name. And he's the champion at 155. But Dos Anjos got hurt a foot, I think. And so, instead, he got Nate Diaz. The thing about Nate Diaz is he has a particularly good chin. He's good at resisting what Conor's good at doing, knocking people out.

And, you know, he just – he's hitting him with the good shots he was taking him apart but he it didn't work because diaz is truly don't like nick diaz every time or i don't know which one's nick and which one's nate nick is whoever thought which one's the one that fought connor nick nate nate okay so he's the one who always looks like you know someone pissed in his cornflakes like just he could have just won a fight or someone gives a million dollars and he still looks around like like slant-eyed like oh i don't know about any of this like i just he just seems like a dick and it is so easy to be a loudmouthed shithead when you bring nine friends with you everywhere like that's not bravery it's like oh man yeah we start shit do you you start shit with people who are alone with nine professional fighters?

That's not brave. That's you being a bully. You're literally a bully. I want to see an exhibition match where that guy fights Brock Lesnar or some guy on the tippity top and just gets his teeth knocked out. Like, literally just, like, pink gums after the fight where you guys are like, I don't even know what I meant wrong. Dude. It's just, you know, I think. Everybody loves the Diaz brothers, except me, it seems.

And I'm sure if I knew them in real life that I would like them great. Joe Lozon likes them. He says they're great people and that I'd have a different opinion if I really knew them. But the version of them I see through my computer monitor, none of their interviews are interesting. Because they're barely whatever the verbal version of literate is. Like, they can hardly speak. They don't express their thoughts clearly at all. More than that,

they're always like, they've never lost a fight, right? These guys will get their asses beat and think they should have won that decision. They can hardly walk anymore. He went up against Benson Henderson. His brother threw the towel in. He's like, I don't know. I think I could have come back. No,

dude! You were getting your ass kicked. I don't think I've ever seen him in a match. I think that's how I remember. I think his brother threw the towel in on that. I could be wrong. I hope I'm not wrong. But, um, yeah. Nick Diaz, he got beat by Condit. That one was close, but, dude, he got beat. He got beat by GSP.

GSP fucked his day up. And he thinks he won yeah he thinks like i actually won that fight so they're just always sour grapes yeah like oh he nate diaz tells this weird revisionist history where he was the biggest name in the ufc but connor came along and took everything he earned and he became the biggest name. No, Nate, you weren't. You stopped fighting because you couldn't get more money. Your contract had him earning like 15 grand a fight, which is low.

He had this weird contract that only paid off well if he was the champion, and he lost. So now he's complaining about how much money he makes per fight, so he's going inactive. And that's the truth. Nate Diaz was never one of the bigger draws in the UFC, yet he's acting like he was, like he's the money fight, like he's going inactive and that's the truth nate diaz was never one of the bigger draws in the ufc yet he's acting like he was like he's the money fight like he's the guy they have this really weird revisionist history they don't do well and i i'd be really honestly i've never heard of and i

don't follow ufc so this is just the opinion of someone who notices it when you guys talk about it or it's on twitter so i really do get the like the the facade of what it is just the face value i've only ever heard of the diaz brothers in the context of a more famous fighter so it will be like oh they're shit talking conor mcgregor and of course conor mcgregor's the draw into that story you know oh they're shit talking gsp he's the draw into that story they just kind of seem to be serial hitchers, if that makes sense, where it's just they got like a grappling hook and it's like, who's running?

Oh, you know him, throw it. And you know, hold on. Oh, fuck you, fuck you. Is the media getting this? Oh, we have a long heated rivalry, these guys. The guy in front is like, what? What are you even talking about? You're just being a sheephead to me.

I've always been more famous than you. Ho, hoi. Like, I don't know. I wish I could do that accent. I do it all the time. But yeah, perfect. They're always feeling like they're prosecuted. They can never, I don't know, sell a fight to me on their own.

A lot of people disagree. A lot of people think the Diaz brothers are just brilliant. Are they Brazilian? No. They're Californian from Stockton. But a lot of people find their communication style, which to me is unintelligible. I don't know what point they're trying to make.

But other guys are like, oh, they're relatable. They're like you and I. And I'm like, they're fucking not like me at all. So yeah, anyway, I hope Connor wins. I think Connor will win. I might be a little biased, but I think Conor wins. Another reason I want Conor to win. So I'm an MMA fan, and I like greatness, right?

I like it when something great is happening, something huge. You know, like boxing right now. Who's the great boxer? I guess Mayweather, that boring defensive whatever. Didn't he retire? Yes, but what does that mean? Dick Smithers, yeah. Yeah, you know, but like when a LeBron James all of a sudden looks like he might have been better than Jordan,

when Jordan is the greatest player to have ever played, when Muhammad Ali is out there like just wrecking people and talking, and like something great is happening, just wrecking people and talking. Something great is happening. It's great for the sport. I'm not into soccer right now. But if some guy came along and broke the scoring records for lifetime and season, I think that might be happening. So it's a bad example.

But if there was something truly great happening, I don't pay attention to the nfl very much but if a running back destroyed the single season rushing record it would get my attention i want connor mcgregor to win because i think it's neat when there's a great you want to see like a dynasty like the way it would be a dynasty in a different sport so like if the nba you know if the celtics win four years in a row like even though you're not a Celtics fan, it's still like, oh, that's kind of neat to watch. The only time I haven't liked that is obviously the Blackhawks

and their success. That's just incredibly painful all the time. It is fun to see dynasties and champions arise. I went to a hockey game towards the end of Mario Lemieux's career just because I wanted to see Mario Lemieux play. I want to say that I existed. I feel fortunate that I kind of followed basketball at a time when Jordan was Jordan.

And, you know, so anyway, I want Conor McGregor to win because prize fighting is this interesting mix to be great between winning your fights and talking about your fights. And McGregor did both until Nate Diaz beat him last time. If he can right that wrong and then move along and keep it up, we would have a modern-day Muhammad Ali, and that's kind of cool. Yeah, although it worries me that he's got that cocaine thing. I don't know if it's like if he just likes to go for a weekend with two or three or four women and do some cocaine,

and that's like a binger for him, or if that's like every weekend we need a few grams of cocaine and it's like a problem now where it's affecting his athleticism if it's the first one like you know anything in moderation i don't give a fuck but like and i don't give a fuck in general but it's i feel like that could hurt him if that's the if he's going down some rocky road with drugs you know why but i'm like you i like it what You know why I think he's not? I like a... What's that? Why? I think he doesn't have...

I have seen the pictures of him partying and hiring 10 whores and stuff like that. I don't know what's true. But I know he's tested by USADA a lot, and they'd pick up the cocaine if it was often in his system. It is a short, like, half-life drug. Yeah. Who knows? I mean, you know, marijuana is one of those things where, like, you know, Nate Diaz or... It is a short half-life drug. Yeah. Who knows?

Marijuana is one of those things where Nate Diaz... It was his brother, right? Nick, yeah. Yeah, Nick Diaz could smoke a joint today and get tested six weeks from now. If they do a hair... Or six months from now, if they do a hair test. I don't know what they're doing. If they're doing urine or blood or hair.

I'm sure they're doing urine. Yeah, but, you know, that's one of those things where, like, depending on how they test it, the half-life could be extremely long. I know they're doing blood. I don't know if they get urine too, but I do know that they get blood. And apparently, with these super low body fat

MMA fighters, marijuana gets out of your system in a hurry. It's because marijuana is stored in lipid cells, like fat cells. And so if you're like a big fat guy and you smoke a ton of weed, it's going to take you way longer than a guy who smokes the same amount of weed but is in reasonable shape.

Unless they test your hair. Elite shape. Unless they test your hair. They don't have a lot of hair. Your armpits, it could be your ass crack. It could be your eyebrows. I remember when I went I went to take my drug test for a job

one time and I remember asking them because as a 19 year old kid I'm thinking in my head, what happens if I don't have any hair? And they're like we always find some They didn't have a sense of humor about it at all I was like, well I'm glad we can just get a little from right here I left a small tuft

to the left of my asshole. So Lozon doesn't smoke pot, but I don't think he has any hairs on his head older than a week. He just takes that shit down frequently. Maybe older than a week, but not older than three weeks. Yeah, they'll find some hair somewhere.

Yeah, I didn't think about that. New topic? Sure. So, Donald'll find some Harris somewhere. Yeah, I didn't think about that. New topic? Sure. So Donald Trump released his medical records. This is a little old, but it got brought up because they're looking into Hillary's medical records or lack thereof or something. And Trump's records are a total joke, like a fraud. What do you mean? I will show you the article. So here it is. You have to scroll down to see the actual medical records.

But the first thing they noticed is that the header of the document and the text of it are all the same font. They just used one font in the whole fucking thing. If you go to that website, Harold Bornstein, md.com,

uh, it tries to give your computer a virus, which I thought was fucking funny. Um, an internist is the kind of doctor that does a medical, like a, uh, what are they?

A physical. And he's not a finter, an internist. He's a gastroenterologist or something like that so if he's going to him it implies he has some sort of medical problem and then just even the words like um let's see astonishingly excellent the way doctors talk i imagine it looking like ivan drogoff's medical report you know the and from rocky III when he's on the roids and they had all the electronics. Like that's what Trump's records look like. It's not medical – like if the bottom – if elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.

Fucking really? Did Trump write this? Yeah, do they have like medical records of Washington or? Well, Lincoln's a bad example. Well, we know Washington died because he had a sore throat, and they kept bleeding him, right, to make it better? Check this out. Well, they thought it would work. Mr. Trump has had a recent complete medical examination

that only showed positive results, right? That's the opposite of what a doctor would say. If it only had positive results, then he would have tested positive for all that shit. What they mean is encouraging results. What they mean is negative results. This thing, it looks like the Trump

campaign put out a fake medical report and didn't even do it very well. How hilarious would it be if they get this doctor and he just talks and acts exactly like Trump? He's just like, you were all questioning my document. I only write the best medical documents.

I don't understand why you would never write a medical document like this. I always do. Mr. Trump has always come to me. He takes 81 milligrams of aspirin daily or whatever whatever he would say which is also funny something he says he's lost at least 15 pounds and then a very specific amount for everything else like he would think he'd say like mr trump has lost 16 pounds you know he was 240 and now he's 224 or whatever he would say i don't know that that is a weird health thing his blood pressure and test results were astonishingly excellent.

I feel like that's not what a doctor... I see excellent test results every day. Rarely do I see an astonishingly excellent result. All this is funny and stuff, but I really would like to see... I would like a third-party independent doctor to examine both of them. I'd like to see I would like a third party independent doctor to examine both of them. I'd like to know more about Hillary and I'd like to

know more about Donald because I honestly think there's probably something wrong with Hillary. I know that's probably like some people might think that's a conspiracy theorist thing but I keep seeing those photos of them helping her upstairs. You cannot find a picture or video of clinton walking

upstairs it seems like she may not be able to she suffered head trauma in 2012 that's known and now some of the things she's doing are indicative of the repercussions of head trauma and so it's weird to me when people are like this is just a conspiracy theory like i don't know about all the shit where they're like oh there's there's this handler with a Thorazine or Diazepam EpiPen, which is an anti-seizure drug. So just in case she did have a seizure, he would stab her. But even then, it's like, okay, you don't actually know what that guy's holding or anything. The stools. Might just be an EpiPen.

Yeah, it's not good that she can't stand for extended periods of time. That's very clear that she can't stand for extended periods. She's always leaning. Anytime someone, or, you know what what i've seen clips of her not full speeches obviously but it does seem like when someone else comes up and is like you know hillary's the best and you're gonna love her like the way most presidential candidates do that is hillary will be standing right next to whoever the hell's talking and she'll be looking at him like oh yep you know that i'm the one for you but she like kind of like leans on like a stool a little bit which is odd and that it could be some of it seems conspiratorial but i don't think it's a conspiracy to realize that a getting to be elderly a senior

woman who had head trauma and is now exhibiting difficulty standing uh needing help upstairs uh she sometimes i can't tell like she it looks like she loses her place when she's speaking and like gets a look of like doesn't know willerman she she has weird like it could be the fact that she's a robot and is malfunctioning but it seems like she responds very weirdly to certain stimuli like it something something is just off with her i don't think it's conspiracy this is what i have fun with i feel like trump pokes at his opponents and then like they have to stop doing that right so like hillary for example now that bitch has to stand all the time to prove this wrong like all right no more stools no more lecterns now now i have to be on

my feet and it's exhausting because she maintains a very hard schedule in this campaign and she's old um meanwhile i want to see trump can sit on his stool and no one says shit about it it's like with casick right he rips about casick how he's always eating so now that fucker can't eat anymore like that like this whole campaign he has to stop like eating in public so he's just starving all the time like i feel like against hillary he should like just keep going after things that normal people do like alright No more sitting for you and you like have you noticed she always dresses with like light clothing in the heat What she can't take this fucking like get her in an Eskimo outfit standing on her feet and notice how she never wears hats Listen to me not one this entire election as i seen hillary clinton do a

jumping jack i'm not saying that i'm saying that i have never seen her do it i will do next thing you know she's doing calisthenics on the debate stage she actually trips and falls and you're president he's just gonna exhaust her like yeah like maybe go after her on the eating thing maybe maybe say she sleeps too much right so so now all of a sudden she's exercising doing four hours of sleep and never eating on the campaign trail because he keeps saying she can't do it i would keep hammering her on the can't stand thing because i think that's something that on a debate stage could be played up really well like you know and you can probably come up with some kind of zinger like don't you want a president that that can literally stand up for you hillary clinton can't even stand up long enough to

lie to you you know something like that and then maybe i can see them on the stage and i can see us on the debate stage you know i'm over there you know i'm trump and i just have finished saying my thing and here she comes again interrupting and like jumping in my thing no no no and like aren't you getting a little tired over there? I see you leaning on your podium. Be careful. You want to take a break? We can take a break. I see you leaning around leaning over there a lot. I realize you have trouble hearing, but I am in the middle of my section

of this debate. Just keep painting her as deaf and unable to stand. Some sort of life alert thing. I would keep hammering because she looks older than him like he is the more attractive of the two of them if they were independent of one another yeah i have a hard time choosing because that guy like with the crazy hair and the weird orange skin and he's puffy in a lot of ways like he i feel like trump without makeup would be worse

than hillary without makeup like he's just, he wears more, I bet. I sincerely doubt it. And I don't, like, Hillary just doesn't look, she doesn't look healthy. And, like, it's a good thing that they're investigating this. But, like Kyle said, it can't be, you know, Trump's doctor since he was seven. Or since that doctor would be fucking ancient. So it's certainly not that third-party doctor who may get like a huge carriage who's indifferent or something and then have them do the test because it does it

seems like just like they should release their taxes someone running for the highest office in our country should also release medical documents making sure like hey we're not just electing your vice president in a year. We want you. So we need to make sure you're up for the task. Yeah, I would like to see Trump doing, like, if I'm Trump, there's two things that Trump didn't do throughout this election that I definitely would have done. One of them, I would have spent so much time with people who are knowledgeable about specific things, having long, in-depth discussions and picking their brain.

And I would also do a lot of mock debates with other experts, with my experts sitting there. So imagine this. I'm debating a fake Hillary, and she's hitting me on something. Now I can look to my expert and be like, what am I supposed to say there? When she hits me with that, what do I come back with give me some facts let me memorize some numbers he didn't do that and he still hasn't i wish he would i'd love to hear him pull out this fucking memorized like thing with numbers and stats and then they do the politifact and it's like all true and it's you know be a real zinger because i think that matters in some people's minds, but I'd also like to have seen him lose some actual weight and start looking healthy and being physical. It's hard.

Like, he's a, I know, he's a big guy, like, he's 6'2", 6'3", or something like that, and I, on a stage, if he were more, like, physical and, like, hey, yeah, and, like, doing, like, aggressive handshakes with his buddies, like, yeah, yeah, like, I don't know, showing off his physicality, jogging out onto the stage, and just like jogging out, clapping like, yeah, everybody pumped up. Ah, welcome to Hickory, North Carolina. Yeah, and meanwhile. Where he runs up the stairs and then back down the stairs and then back up the stairs and be like, oh, you're not keeping me downstairs.

You know, this isn't a Hillary rally, and everybody goes, woo-hoo. He's on, like the reality of it is, you know, even though a hillary rally and everybody goes he's on like the reality of it is you know even though he's presidential kennedy's still a person he's on the road snacking eating donald's when he can yeah fast food i mean i i feel like i gained some weight when we were having the house worked on and i just spent like three months eating wendy's or whatever um and also he's in his 70s you know its. People put on weight. But it would be neat if he got physical. I think the thing

Kyle talked about with him sitting down with experts and, what do I say when this happens? They claim he doesn't have the attention span for it. And it's part of why he's successful. He's just really driven about the new and the fresh and taking on the next challenge. And then once he gets that, he's just really driven about the new and the fresh and taking on the next challenge.

And then once he gets that, he packs it up, has someone else run it, and expands his empire. That's kind of how he's wired. I don't know. I want a president that wants to be president and doesn't just want to win an election. And people criticize Trump. That's not going to happen. Who knows what's in his head? But people say he really just wants to win the election and then package it up and let

his VP handle everything. I don't know about that. On the other hand, it's been a successful model for other Republicans. To generalize, you'll get something wrong. But it seems like Democrats tend to

stay on top of every issue and be the CEO all along. And Republicans, like Bush had Cheney, who handled a lot of day-to-day stuff. Reagan, I can't name all his people, but apparently he was a lot more hands-off than, say, Clinton was, who liked to do everything himself. Both models have their pros and cons. I'm not knocking all Republicans, but if Trump kind of packaged it up and then let someone else handle a lot of the day-to-day stuff, that wouldn't be unheard of. Speaking of packaging things up, well, I guess we already did that.

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20% off. See what the fuss is about. Yeah. You need a joke? Good stuff. I just ordered some more MeUndies yesterday. I wanted a couple more pair um they they last a really long time but because i like always grab those immediately out of the hamper and fucking put them back on again i've worn out a couple pair of them at this point it took a couple hundred washes probably they always move up to the top of the lineup for me

where like when i do a big like clean it's like even if i just warm the day before once they're clean again that's back at the top. They're the best underwear I have. Definitely. Joke time? What you got? A boy in the kitchen is struggling to open the yogurt. Goddamn shit, fuck, the boy says in his frustration.

The mom asks, I wonder where he got that from. Father replies, probably from the fridge, you silly cunt. Father replies, probably from the fridge, you silly cunt. Oh, you just pretend the jokes are bad at this point. This is quality stuff. This is good. Where are you finding these? Oh.

Oof. They're good. It makes my face hot. It does not. This is funny. Everyone likes to pretend the jokes are bad,. It does not. This is funny. Everyone likes to pretend the jokes are bad, but they're not. They're funny. Is that the theory you're working with?

I did a thing. Me and Kyle are just Master Ruseman sitting over here keeping a straight face as you're getting these jokes out. Yeah, I'm biting my tongue over here so goddamn hard. Yeah, Kyle, you can't see it, but if you had a camera behind Kyle right now, you'd see his legs kicking around like a gleeful child, so excited at the humor he's heard. Do you remember, I guess it's been like a year or so now, when Tracy Morgan, the comedian, got hit by the Walmart truck? Yeah, I remember that.

Yeah, I remember that. Tracy Morgan does not. Barely. Really? Yeah, really. So he had to learn to walk and talk again. remember that i remember that uh tracy morgan does not um barely he doesn't really much yeah really so he had to learn to walk and talk again at first he couldn't talk and he was blind he woke up from the coma and he was blind he was blind couldn't talk and was crippled when he woke up from the coma his for a very good friend of his died a couple of his other friends like similar condition to him and comas and shit it was a walmart truck the driver had been driving

for like 28 hours straight with zero sleep so he sues walmart and gets a fucking payday it's like 95 million plus he can't say how much but he was on the stern show day before yesterday or something like that he's like it turns like so uh do you still shop at walmart you know after all this he's like oh i was still shopping at walmart when i was in the wheelchair can't beat them prices he's like after they paid me though everything went up a penny he's driving a ferrari now like like how bad is he he's he's straight now like he's good like really i don't he's he says like doing stand up his leg his hip starts hurting after a while he can't stand up for long periods of time much like

hillary clinton but um other than that you know i mean he's it's he seems to be pretty much back he's doing comedy because i think he's got a tour called the picking up the pieces tour something like that that's a big fucking house then let's go then built it back the way he wanted he had a swimming pool in his backyard he's like he's he's like i just had to move that motherfucker like where'd you move it to the other side of the yard he's like fuck it i wanted it over there so i had him fill it in and dig a new one uh you know he bought it for they did that in silicon valley but they only moved it like three feet yeah left side From the left side of the yard to the right side. He didn't go front to back.

But, you know, he was already a wealthy guy. He had done Saturday Night Live and 30 Rock Street. Yeah, yeah. That show. Whatever. You know, and doing his stand-up comedy. That pays very well. And then all of a sudden they get like a $100 million injection.

And when you get settlement cash like that reward cash like that it's not only no tax they can't even touch that shit with alimony or child support and he and he knew that he's like alimony can't even get this baby like he knows that no matter what happens he's got like 90 million dollars just he's rich for life no matter what he does his children are rich if he doesn't blow it like like and you'd have to work to blow a hundred million i mean he's moving pools that's he's that's a way to waste money he's working at it yeah yeah he's working at it he says you know he only flies private jets now you know he gets the g4 the g4 and uh but so so yeah he is spending

a lot of money but he's not like going mike tyson style where he's getting like a 747 leased for the weekend i mean or something like that you have to spend 8 10 million a year just to break like just to not counteract the interest yeah just to counteract the growth i expect yeah so he's and you know he's always, yeah, got me a couple good Jews. They take care of my money. So you know his money is invested well. Good luck when they're all in Europa. Right? That's the new financial capital of the world is Europa.

Not the world. Of the solar system. Oh, yeah, yeah. Intergalactic financial capital. Well, not intergalactic. We don't know what they get with it. Oh, 0 for 2, Taylor. All right.

I need to look up my space vocab. Yeah, but I thought that was really interesting hearing from him. Because I like Tracy Morgan. He's a little out there. But his appearances on The Stern Show are particularly funny. Because he's really nasty and talks about his sexual proclivities. He's like, like oh i love stretch marks oh i love him and talking about like he's like eating at talking about eating ass and and

licking like liking to smell dirty feet and all this ridiculous bullshit he's into that's the magic of stern right like you get it if he was on oprah or um who's the blonde chick kind of pretty lesbian ellen yeah you know like you wouldn't get all that out of him. Or even if he was on, I'm trying to think of another show that would want it, like the Joe Rogan podcast. You wouldn't get quite that from him. Only Stern gets to talk about how much he loves eating ass and dirty feet and things like that.

That's Stern's magic. All kind of nasty shit. And, you know, he's got an hour with you. And in some cases, he's like... I like when you see the conversation go down and it's genuine, where he's like, hey, you gotta get out of here soon? Because a lot of his guests have their agent publicist

and their posse outside knocking on the door, like, it's time to go to the Today Show. We gotta get over here and see Matt Lauer. We gotta go appear on Rachel Ray, like, whatever. They're doing a publicity tour. to the today show we got to get over here and see matt lauer we got to go up here on like rachel ray like whatever they're doing a publicity tour they're hitting each spot across town but like sometimes they'll have a guest and he's just like oh i'm here all day as long as you need me and i like i like seeing the inside part of the stern show because you get the finished product with

the stern show that is i won't say. Sometimes it's polished when they do bits. But you get that, but you also get another show, which is the behind the scenes. So you literally get to hear Howard and his producer Gary arguing about why a guest with a cough got brought into the studio because she literally had

whooping cough. They let somebody with whooping cough come into the studio with Howard one time, and he's a germaphobe. He's so much of a germaphobe that it's like he wouldn't be around yeah yeah like you couldn't have like no don't shake this guy's hand he doesn't want he doesn't shake hands no he's that much of a germaphobe he can afford medicine what the fuck is wrong with him oh he's very afraid of dying um you know he's a he's a neurotic jew you know he's like a germaphobe he stays stays in his house all the time. He refuses to travel. He doesn't go anywhere. It goes on. He's afraid of this. He's a hypochondriac. a Long Island iced tea outside of work in her spare time. And news of that got back to Howard.

And it was a 15-minute segment where he's like, I can't believe you. You had a Long Island iced tea? Like, just really shitting on her. Does he not drink? What's wrong with Long Island iced teas? It's bad for you. It's like three or four shots of, I don't know,

it's like tequila, vodka, rum. Whiskey or bourbon or something. It's five different kinds of alcohol, like hard alcohol, and he thinks it's bad for her because she had that tumor removed a couple years ago. He drinks a little bit of wine occasionally, but no, he doesn't drink. He doesn't smoke. He doesn't eat meat anymore. He might eat fish, but I don't think he eats fish. What a waste of a billionaire.

He might eat fish, but I don't think he eats fish. What a waste of a billionaire. He doesn't go fishing anymore because he's read that handling the fish kills them, and he doesn't like that. That's not true. Well, apparently with trout, if you don't wash your hands before you unhook him, the fish will swim away and die. I don't know shit about that. I don't fucking care. Let him die. Yeah, let him die.

I don't fucking care. It's a fish. I'm out there with a big rod with a hook on it yanking him out of the water. You think I'd give a shit if he died? I think that would be bad for fish, too. Yeah. I always hear about, like, oh, if you touch a fish, his skin gets sensitive or this and that. Really?

You hooked him. You drug him by his mouth, and then getting that hook out is awful. In off-roading, they used to give time a ton of heat because the sediment stirred up by the tires would get into the water make the water occasionally like cloudy or something for a little bit until it settled down yeah the trout fishermen were given you know the off-road is a hard time and i'm like like bitch nine out of ten trout prefer me to you you fucking trout fisherman like i just and i don't see the reason to be concerned about like oh you know if you handle the fish it could die if you release it back in i don't think that's true i went fly fishing with a guy who made me do catch and release which i was

not happy about because the only point to fish to me is the same reason with hunting you want to eat it you want to use it and he just said you know dip your hands in water before you handle them or otherwise it could burn their skin and like be uncomfortable like i don't think they're going to get in the water and all the other fish are like oh my god and he's like help me like no i don't think that's it but if you're gonna fish i don't think you should be doing catch and release anyway for the most part like it's you should be eating them otherwise it's just kind of torturous although like i catch and release with catfish because i would rather go eat someone else's like i think

the tasty catfish i think are the little ones that are like maybe eight inches long or something like that and and in my dad's pond like we would pull out 10 to 40 pound catfish you know this big fucking monster catfish that like i mean if we filleted this thing and like fried him up we'd need a giant fryer just to do it or we got to cut him into slices and it wouldn't taste nearly as good because it's been around for probably like 30 years vacuuming the bottom of a filthy pond because that's what they do catfish are bottom feeding like discuss they're the buzzards the vultures of the aquatic world and they get they'll get as huge as you let them get like there are catfish out there that are like

55 60 years old even older that are like you'll see them pulling them out of a swamp in louisiana and it takes like two big country boys to like hold them out though like it's it's crazy we had such a great we had such a great place to catfish growing up um my dad built that fish pond he built two fish ponds and the first thing he did was start stocking them he purchased big it's those big cubes plastic cubes with the metal cage around it it was one of those tanks but it was just full of catfish he i remember he bought like 500 blue catfish and like 1500 mud cats and then just poured them into the pond. And they were all about this long when they went in.

And then there was a neighbor who was like getting rid of his pond. He was going to turn that into dry land and make the pond just a creek now. So he had more land for cattle or something. And his cat, his pond was full of like adult catfish that were anywhere from 8 pounds to like 15 pounds. And then there were some that were bigger. So I got into the business of making catfish traps. I was making them by hand all day. Made like 40 of these things.

And threw them out there. A catfish trap is like chicken wire shaped into a thing where they can swim in. They can't swim out. And there's like some sort of bait thrown in. And then you can tie a rope to it, they can't swim out, and there's some sort of bait thrown in, and then you can tie a rope to it so you can drag it out of the pond. We fished it until there were no catfish left, and we would get

like I said, piles and piles of these things that were 10 pounds, 20 pounds, 30 pounds, and then all of our friends, when they would catch catfish out of the lake, we're near Lake Hartwell. How big is your dad's pond? How many fish does it need? Does it need? Or can it even sustain?

We feed them. At the time, we would go and we would put, you get catfish food in like a 50-pound bag and throw it out there and it floats on top. So then you get to see them come up to the top and just sort of chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp. And that was the fun part. That's how we would act.

We would throw catfish food out and then throw our line. Because there would just be this feeding frenzy of catfish right here in this area. And you could bring them all. And they can hear and they're intelligent enough that after a while, we trained them that if you've got a bucket with just some gravel in it and you go choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo near the surface of the water, they would start water they would start plop plop plop plop like just biting at anything and come to you um but they had thousands of big catfish and a few of them were 80 pounds or more and then one day the dam broke and they all washed down the creek oh did you ever put anything but catfish in there

like bluegill i don't know what the actual name of the fish is but you know what a bluegill is uh no i i didn't it was all catfish it was all different kinds of catfish uh some of the people nearest have ponds with bluegill in them and crappy and those things taste so good those are my favorite to catch yeah fixed the dam but of course the fish were gone i mean it seems like you could just put like 30 fish in weight or 10 fish. I suppose so, but there's predators that feed on them. They look like storks. Those eat the little baby fish when they spawn. Then these turtles, we get turtles that are just really big.

I think they're like some of the other critters that just keep growing. Like a box turtle? really big. I think they're like some of the other critters that just keep growing to like... Like a box turtle? We call them loggerhead turtles. They've got big heads like this big and they can snap a twig bigger than your thumb just like right into... They legitimately look like they could take a pinky off when they snap. And we'd catch those out of there sometimes and we'd get them out because they also eat the catfish we would catch catfish that had chunks taken out of their tails and stuff but no that that pond doesn't have any fish in it at this point and and i mean over the last

couple years i've i've set off so many explosions in there and uh shot so much machine gun fire in there that probably affected things a bit as well. Probably. Their ecosystem probably doesn't naturally acclimate to tannerite. And lead. And chunks of metal. Yeah, chunks of lead. Yeah, we blew up a boat in there one time.

That was a fucking... I don't want to talk about UFC all night, but I am really excited about the event coming up. When is it? What's the date of it? It's Saturday night. So it's the night this podcast goes live. Oh, shit.

Okay. Yeah, good deal. It's coming. McGregor's fighting. Is the undercard worth watching? Not as good as a normal one. Last undercard was great. Yeah, UFC 200 in particular.

Like, everyone on that card was great. Yeah. was great yeah ufc 200 in particular like everyone on that card was great yeah um and oftentimes they'll take a conor mcgregor card and really stack it like there'll be other championship fights the same night um in this case mcgregor's carrying the card more than he normally has to but um glover texera is fighting anthony Johnson. That's a pretty cool fight. I don't remember them all. Cody Gambrent's fighting earlier in the night. There's some cool fights, but it's really about the last one. I'm very excited for it.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to it. I think if Conor loses, it's a big problem for him going forward monetarily. Because he's always going to be in that sport winning and losing and at the top top five guys in what in like two weight classes seemingly he's going to be top five in but if he loses to nate diaz then it's just like all right well you can't fucking beat up nate diaz we know that um let's just keep moving forward because so they they act like this is 170 pound fight because that's what they're fighting at but nate diaz normally fights at 155 uh the truth is connor what does connor usually fight at 145 so connor was the champion

of two weight divisions before he came to the ufc in a lesser league 145 and 55 he comes to the UFC in a lesser league, 145 and 55. He comes to the UFC. He pretty quickly makes his way to be the 145-pound champion. He's going to fight the 155-pound champion and see if he can replicate the feat. But the guy gets hurt, so they bring Diaz in at short notice. Diaz is like, I can't make weight without more camp. McGregor says, fuck it. We'll fight at 170. I don't care. That's my Irish, damn it.

So that's basically what he says. You don't even have to make weight. I'll fight you right now. And they're pretending that he's fighting a 170 pounder, but really he's fighting a 155 pounder. He is bigger than him and he's a big 155-er. But if he can't beat Nate, who would look at this and say he has a bright future at 155? Nate is like a top 10, top 5 guy at 155. If he loses to him, stay at 145, Connor. You just got beat twice by a guy who's not in line for a title. Yeah, it'll be clear at that point that he's going to keep dominating 145 just because of his body composition. If he loses to Nate,

then that's the team I'm on. I'm of the opinion that, oh yeah, Conor dominates that because not only does he have a great left and he's really talented, but he's got a body composition that really lends itself to that weight class but you see what happens when you make the guy fight somebody just 10 pounds heavier

it doesn't go well i think we'll know that for sure at that point because he said he got his ass kicked and you could say oh maybe he didn't come prepared maybe he slipped maybe he just got unlucky but now he's had plenty of time to train he He's had a whole other camp, a whole other cycle, months in between to be eating healthy, keeping his body clean and getting focused. If he loses this, it's real bad for Conor. If he wins it, it's great for everybody, though. It's great for UFC. It's great for Conor.

It's even great for Nate. Nate will prosper more. Nate's trajectory as far as his bank account and popularity will do better if he loses than if he wins, I think. Undoubtedly. I'll tell you why. A third fight, right? Like a tiebreaker? Yeah. If Nate loses, there's a trilogy on the records.

And the third one is the showdown to decide it all. UFC 210! You know, for whatever it is. That's where you start. Ronda Rousey will be back Fighting by that time By the third fight

Then you got like a Diaz Rousey It could be bullshit There's a rumor that Ronda's pregnant And that's why she's not Getting back

Don't know They're just saying it She's getting fat So that's like That's one of the signs Piece of evidence Yeah Conor spent a hundred thousand How do her labia look I need another look Has she squat in any That's one of the signs. A piece of evidence, yeah. Connor spent $100,000.

How do her labia look? I need another look. Has she squat in any yellow pants recently? A close eye on those labia. If you see any change, we'll know for sure. Okay. Or we could just wait, I don't know, eight weeks and know 100%. Probably before that even if people are already suspecting.

It's time to start showing. Who would win in a fight in... This is just like an exhibition match. If it was Ronda Rousey and another female, like Misha Tate, that's the only other one. Holly Holm, that's the only one I know. So Holly Holm and Ronda Rousey fight at the same

time Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar wins. Brock Lesnar wins. Brock Lesnar wins. Yeah, okay. What if they both fight? What if Misha Tate, Holly Holm, and Ronda Rousey at the same time fight Brock Lesnar? Do you think there's any chance they win? It's getting interesting.

Here's why. Here's why. You just got to keep this in mind. It's physics interesting. Here's why. Here's why. You just got to keep this in mind. It's physics, okay? Brock Lesnar, I believe, could put his chin out and say, give it to me. And none of those women have the power in their arm to knock him out or even stagger him. I believe he could take their best fucking right or left hook straight or whatever from any of the three and go, mmm, that tasted good.

It's clobbering time. Now, if all three of them could get on top of him and, like, start putting, like, utilizing their whole bodies and lower bodies on, like, one arm. Like, if Misha Tate can, like, get his arm and wrap her thighs around it and be like, I got an arm! That's the question. That's where I was headed.

Maybe they stretch him out in a crucifix and then somebody is just dropping crazy elbows into his eye socket. I don't know what you've got to do. And how would they get him in that position? That's the question. I could ask you, Taylor, what would happen if you fought two 13-year-olds, right? Obviously, 1v1, or three 13-year-olds, you would smash a 13-year-old. It'd be crazy. But if a 13-year-old devoted himself to just holding one of your arms,

you might get it done. Just one arm. A 13-year done if it was a one-armed they're a boy boy 13 year old just one or 13 year old 13 year old boys range so wildly and how big they are but if they were all like little guys I yeah they would like little markers because those are adults that's bullshit imagining like five foot I'm imagining like five foot5 to 5'7, 110 to 135 pounds, which is kind of a girl, basically. Like, you know, a regular girl's sort of height and weight. And the thing about that is, and it's not like I'm some kind of trained fighter, but I know if I hit him once, he's fucked.

Like, I might not be able to knock him unconscious, but he's going to be like, no, no, the 13-year-old. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's fucked. I might not be able to knock him unconscious, but he's gonna be like, no, no, the 13 year old. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, he's done. Yeah, yeah, I don't think I might knock him out. He's in a lot of trouble. Even if I hit him in the eye or like this. He might start crying. If I hit him in the head here, and he's gonna be hurt real bad,

long enough for me to get back on these other two. I could totally beat up three 13 year olds, I think. I believe if I kick a 13-year-old in the thigh, and this is a good kick, right? Like a Muay Thai sort of shin to thigh, that he's dramatically impacted by that. He'll go down. Yeah. If you kick me in the thigh, I'd go down. You'd drop me.

It's really a matter of... I'd be hopping, completely unable to defend myself. You wouldn't like it. You'd kick me in my left thigh, and then you'd punch me in the fucking left side of my face and I'd be unconscious. The more I'm thinking about it, a 3v1 isn't really a 3v1 because when they come in,

Brock has three times as many targets. So he's gonna land a hit. And whoever he hits is gonna be devastated. And it is instantly a 2v1 fight. And the more I'm thinking about this, the more the question isn't very fair. The question may be,

how about Brock Lesnar versus two Joe Lozans? Joe's going to win. I think Joe wins. Yeah. Joe is strong enough. The strength difference between Joe and Ronda Rousey is profound. But we've taken away a human, too. It's only two Joes.

But two Joes would beat what it two Joes would violate Geneva Conventions against Ronda and the other two uh female UFC fighters like they'd get into it and be beating him and there'd just be like cops running in like stop yeah I don't know I think the two Joes think that two Joes would have a plan. They'd be like, all right, look. We cannot stand up with this guy. We got to get on him. And, like, first of all, we need to separate. We need to be, like, have him in the center and us doing one of these.

And one of them, like, a tie fighter with, like, a rope running around his legs. Like, all right, I'll have the net and the trident i'll throw the net over him and stick him a few times and then you come in with your dad you know you want something like that i think that you i want to know what his game plan would be mine is to like surround him it's to get on either side of him so like he's got to be like turning around and can't stay in a defensive stance or any stance really at all because there's a guy behind him. He keeps having to check out, and there's a guy in front of him that he's trying to deal with. Brock would move, and then suddenly the two would be in front of him.

You really got to work. This is Brock, and we get out here. We really separate. So you're here, and there's two Brock's. You go here if you're Brock, and now they're both in front of you like a V. You put your back to the wall. Brock does? I'm asking you.

That's what he'd do. He'd move towards the wall and get himself out of the middle. You wouldn't actually be able to be straight behind him because he'd just, you know. Sure, he'd back up, but you can still come at him from two directions. What I'm saying is it's hard enough to like block and dodge punches Normally, but when there's fucking four of them coming at you it might be a little bit harder But I think their goal has to be both of us on him like the way that lions take down wildebeest Everybody on let's fucking weigh him down

Let's let's like secure his dangerous parts and like make them not dangerous. Cause if you can control his hands, then that's it. And Joe can control one of Brock's hands. Good up. If so, I don't know what Joe's reputation for his chin is, but if like, if Brock hit Joe with his big gorilla fist with like a decent punch,

like a pretty good Brock punch, would he be able to handle that? Like, would Joe be able to take it or would Joe just be out? Cause he's so much smaller? You know, it depends how he hits him because, you know. Heavyweight's hit. Brock's not known for his great striking, but he's a lot bigger than Joe.

You know, it's just a problem. He's got gigantic hands. In the mass of his hands. They had to make special gloves. It's like a kettlebell. Like they didn't make 5X gloves until Brock started fighting. It's true. 5X? I think it make 5X gloves until Brock started fighting. It's true. I think it is 5X.

They literally couldn't make gloves big enough for him. I was watching. He came back and his hands had gotten even bigger because he's like, oh, these are too tight. Once we put tape on, I won't be able to fit in these 5X gloves. Like he's huge. He's just a giant, giant person. He's too big.

That's like hitting it with a kettlebell. You know? Like, just on that big fulcrum of an arm, just whoop. Oh, God, that would be horrible. I would not want three of me fighting Brock, because two would surrender and sacrifice the third. Take him. He's the real one.

So now Chiz posted in the other chat, so we know he's online and he's read our requests to join the show. Oh, Chiz texted me earlier when we were doing the show. He said that they were out at a movie. They were at a movie theater. Like when we were trying to get him to come on the show. Well, it's a good thing he's here now. What did he see?

At the movies. What did he see? I'm movies. What did he see? I'm not sure if he did say. Oh, he just saw Sausage Party. I just read it. I'm interested in Sausage Party. Have you seen it yet? They hit him with an NC-17

until they took the pubic hair off one of the characters. There is apparently an extended food orgy at one point where like all the foods are fucking each other in weird ways. Yeah, they didn't get rid of that. Yeah, they didn't get rid of that. That stayed in there. Did you see it?

I just heard like interviews with Rogan on the Stern Show and I've read a lot about it and the kind of animation they did. Sounds really good. It's really, really funny. Like it's so like gross funny you just kind of have to go into it knowing like yeah they're gonna really play up the oh my god can you imagine you know a banana fucking a bagel like teehee like it's that kind of humor

but it's really funny and it's done well and the animation is good it's i really enjoyed it like it is it is a it's raunchier than i thought it was going to be yeah he talked about the the process normally with pixar stuff so pixar didn't make this obviously but it's pixar style animation and they're kind of describing it as pixar style animation um but but normally what pixar does and what disney does as well is there is this long long process where like i don't know toy story 3 is in development for like four years or something where as they go they pretend like these characters are actors and they film it in sequence as they go with them working through the

script with animation so like buzz lightyear has like tons of scenes you've never seen before because they animated it and then voiced it but what seth did and how they made this thing for less than 30 million dollars was they treated it like a fucking movie they wrote a script they voiced the script and then they handed all that audio to some animators and said here you go there's our we've got all the audio here's the screenplay now animate and they did it that way and uh part of the money came from there's this woman i can't recall her name she helped finance zero dark 30 and a few other uh uh films that she wanted to get made but were having trouble getting made i guess uh she's some sort of a billionaire heiress and she slipped him like

15 million dollars to help make this movie so they're in this thing for like 15 million dollars the studio is and then seth put a little of his money in and this lady financed the rest the thing made 30 million opening weekend so it looks like it's gonna be a real winner for them uh and i'm glad i like seeing him do well because i i get when he's on the stern show he's so open about like the process, the way they write, the way they come up with projects. He just seems like such a down-to-earth, cool guy. I like Seth Rogen a lot. Yeah, I like him too.

He did a good interview on ONA years ago. But he just seems like a genuine guy. And his laugh is really funny, which makes me like him more. Yeah, I like his laugh too. Him and Jonah Hill are really good interviews jonah hill's really funny too and uh a lot more down to earth than you would think you know when you know the sausage party like a preview where it has like the 12 big celebrities that are in it or there's like a lot of celebrities in that movie yeah yeah when you watch it maybe you are more adept at catching celebrity voices but i

only noticed seth or yeah seth rogan and jonah hill you didn't recognize the taco i didn't i didn't notice her as a taco selma hayek is the and i think selma hayek's one of the hottest chicks in fucking hollywood you go back to that tarantino movie or robert rodriguez movie from dust till dawn which is like dancing on the table with a fucking snake on her in that bikini. She's fucking perfection. But she plays a lesbian taco in the movie. Yeah, I'm going to go watch that probably this weekend.

I've been wanting to see it ever since I saw the preview for it. And most of the stuff that's out right now I'm not that interested in or that I've sort of decided that this is going to be a rental viewing for me I'm definitely going to do that for Star Trek I'll wait till Star Trek comes out and rent it uh Born the New Born movie too I'm interested in both of those but I just don't want to go and uh what's the other one that's out oh Suicide Squad of

course I'm not paying for that uh I'll watch that by some other means I just I've just I'm not a bandwagon guy i'll oftentimes go watch something despite it having bad reviews especially if i like see some sort of uh you know reason to if i'm like oh no i know something everybody else doesn't but this looks like a real shit movie i still gotta see star wars i haven't seen that yet. Star Wars is worth seeing. Star Wars is worth seeing. It's real good, and it ends in a cliffhanger, like a legit cliffhanger. Not a cliffhanger where you don't know, oh my god, is he going to make it? Are they going to catch him before he hits the ground?

It's not like that, but it's like, oh shit, what happens next? That's how it ends. And I was reading that the next one picks off right at that moment and that that to me is like oh shit i'm plugged in now i want to go because i know this thing is going to start right the fuck where i want it to feeding me the information that i need there's not going to be like a bunch of and we're like looking at some like squid alien on planet x like yeah fucking fucking around and discovering a lightsaber in the dirt. I don't need all that bullshit.

I want to go right back to the central, massively important part of the plot that we left off at. On the other hand, I'm really disappointed in Rogue One. I guess I knew this and forgot it. Rogue One? Like, I guess I knew this and forgot it, but apparently... Is Rogue One? What is that? So, Rogue One, there's Star Wars, and then every... You know how, like, there's Infinity Ward and Black Ops for a while?

They'd, like, bounce back and forth? Yeah. They're doing that with Star Wars. There's a Star Wars timeline that you're familiar with, and then there's the Rogue One timeline. And it looks like the big mission of the first Rogue One thing is to get the plans for the Death Star.

The first Death Star. The first Death Star. Spoiler, I think they get them. They do. And that's what pisses me off. I'm like, like, prequels can often be ruined because you know what the fuck happens at the end. You know? Yeah, we always know.

We always know. You know? Like, I see where. We always know. You know? I see where you're coming from. I do. I don't know what's next in the normal Star Wars universe. Of course you do. There's a difference between knowing what's going to happen. Like, in the beginning of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, you know they're going to destroy the ring.

Because otherwise, it has to happen. You know. But you don't know the journey. You don't know all the twists and turns along the way. But it's kind of like I don't know. I like to be surprised along the journey.

And if I already know how it's going to end, it's not as compelling. In Game of Thrones, I'd bet big money that somehow a good guy wins. I don't know which good guy, but I think Jon Snow is going to play some big role. Maybe he'll sit on the Iron Throne. Good guys are going to do fine. The Starks are going to be fine at the end of it, right?

You just know, I think. I don't know. Gur Martin's a little tricky. You're pretty sure. But you're pretty sure. In Star Wars, Rogue One, they're trying to get the plans for the Death Star. Dude, I've known that for 30 years now. It's way too much.

Yeah, but we don't know how they got it. It was just one of those things like, oh, we've got these plans, and you've got the central group of characters, Luke and Han and Leia and Chewie, and this is showing, like, the little guy, the foot soldiers and their story that happened during the old movies.

I'm with you. I would have liked to have seen a whole brand new story, maybe something completely different. I'll tell you what I like a lot, and I think you're with me on this, was the animated Star Wars thing that's on Netflix because it's got so many goddamn Jedi in it, dozens of Jedi. They're plentiful, and they all look different.

There are all kinds of cool alien races that you're not familiar with, and they have all kinds of cool alien races that you're not familiar with and they have like all kinds of special force powers like oh well that guy can do a thing with plants and this guy has like green lightning that he can shoot even though he's a good guy um i would have liked to have seen they could have the old republic they go to knights of the old republic style show me like what happened 2 000 years ago show me some of that shit i really like the variation of jedi that you got in uh the prequels i don't remember which movie it was but like when you see all the jedi there because up until that point with star

wars you kind of only saw a couple of them like honestly like only four right in the entire series up till then and then you see like tons of them like oh there's a lady or something with uh intestines coming out of her head and there's you know some some crazy guy with with uh wizard powers and he's he's on the good team too and that was like actually upsetting for me that scene where they all just start murdering jedi everywhere and it also doesn't make any sense in that like yoda can like tell like from just someone standing like in another state just be like ah kyle's a little upset right now he must have uh burned those fries the new cajun fries he's trying must have ruined those but he couldn't catch on to like a grand conspiracy to kill every jedi at the same time there's a whole explanation for that explain it

to me because i don't get it. God, I wish I've read this. It's something about because some other shit was going on, it changed the way he was. It obscured his vision. It like messed with the force or something. I don't remember exactly what it is, but he even talks about it in the show. He's like, ah, my vision's cloudy. Something obscures it.

You know, so he says something like that. And it's the Sith, like, blocking, like, jamming his signals or something. I don't remember exactly what it is. But I like the Star Wars story. It's just like Game of Thrones with so much deceit and backstabbing and the Galactic Senate and all the stuff that's going down there

and all the manipulation and stuff. It's just not executed well. I fucking hate watching Star Wars movies. But the new ones are excellent. This newest one is really good, and I will watch Rogue One just because of the payoff that Episode VII gave me. Episode VII was so fucking good. It was a little tiring that Han was so old and ratchety.

But hey, we solved that problem toward the end of the movie, so going forward, we're all good. Spoiler. Rogue One should have been about a lesser storyline. It didn't have to be about the Darth Vader Death Star storyline that we already know. We could have seen some

less powerful Jedi battling with some battalion instead of the major force of the imperial force right like it didn't have to have an impact on the way that the whole primary plot line plays out we could have watched well that just goes back to that's what studios do though right like how many times are they going to go back and have superman fight the same villains batman fight the same villains they always do it there's aary. That's the opposite of what I said. It should have been an ancillary side battle, not loot. Oh, I know. I'm agreeing. What I'm saying

is that that's just what studios do. They're like, we need audience recognition for our bad guy. We need audience recognition for what we're even doing here. We can say, hey, the goal is to get the plans for the Death Star, and then we can make Death Star toys. Remember how much we sold those for back in the day? Oh, I gave him at least a couple hundred in Death Star toys. The thing about Star Wars, it's not about Death Star. It's hardly about Luke.

I saw Carrie Fisher in Harrison Ford, and it's like, fuck these old people, get rid of them. I was disappointed to watch Harrison Ford and it's like, fuck these old people, get rid of them. I was disappointed to watch Harrison Ford limp around the rocky surfaces or whatever. Star Wars is a universe. That's what they need to be pimping, right? And any bunch of space pirates bouncing around doing their thing is fine with me. I just want it to be in the Star Wars universe. That's the key. And I feel like they missed an opportunity there by just rehashing

the same bullshit and making it a pretty cool movie. They missed an opportunity to give you the maximum satisfaction, but they definitely took advantage of the fact that millions of people know what the Death Star is. Millions of uninitiated sci-fi fans, just casual movie goers, are going to say,

oh, the Death Star, eh? Well, all right, I follow. I kind of know where this story's going. Okay, let's watch this. Rather than them being like, oh yeah, we're going to fight this Sith that's only mentioned in like the fan fiction that lives on planet R. We got to go there because he's doing some genetic manipulation. Of course, I would rather see that one with like some sort of new badass Sith you've never seen before facing off against a new jedi i could just imagine that all right how about this here's here's a good storyline like you know they had that jedi academy with all the young jedi let's follow a guy

who just has been given his jedi license on his first mission and shit goes awry it's supposed to be an easy mission he's just checking out the midichlorian levels on Raija 4. But he gets there and there's a whole battalion of stormtroopers led by some hot female Sith. I'd much rather watch that. Imagine a hot female Sith with a super

open cleavage thing where you see half of each titty. No sagging at all? Because she's always using 2% of the force to keep him up? And at some point, I want there to be some sort of sexual force reference used. Like, maybe she's got a guy she fucks, and

he wants to have sex, so she gives him a force handjob from across the room. I would like for the guy to periodically have injuries. You know, like, they barely explain it, but he's got, like, choke marks like choke marks and shit oh yeah he's always beating up where they're banging and she's like choke me choke me he's like i'm not comfortable with that she's like i'll do it myself just see her own neck go like like like with nothing around it you know what i didn't like

about uh the death star is that the even the people who worked there called it the death star like i i feel like i feel like if you actually like there's so many scenes where they're like oh you know we got to protect our death star and it's like you have you know you're the bad guy at this point you just built something called the death star like i thought they would call it like the liberty the liberation orbation Orb or something. Because they think it's a good thing, but they're sitting in there saying man, all these assholes trying to ruin our Death Star. Do you think we could have done better

PR? Released a different release? The Death Star makes no sense. It doesn't make any sense. I don't remember the exact figures, but it's like 100 miles in diameter. So when Han and Luke land on the edge and they just hop out and they're

eight minutes walk away from getting Leia, what if they landed on the other fucking side of that thing and it was like 150 miles to Leia? And keep in mind, this is a three-dimensional sphere. It's not like it's just a flat surface that they have to search for her on. So now that multiplies it by, I don't even

know what the fuck. Depends on how deep the levels are and how many bulkheads there are and i doubt that parking is free think of like if you're trying to go to like use trump tower as the death star you can't just like park there and walk in and be like aha donald like no you you have to go through a huge rigmarole of shit like you have to even like find places to park on the outside like if you don't want the security to be able to see you like it i don't know it was really just the fact that the generals in that meeting were calling it the death star that even as a kid i'm like wow so there's not even like an illusion that these guys are the good guys like these guys all came together because they're evil do you think we're the baddies right i was thinking

that right so sculls on our caps the caps kyle made reference to this routine who are the comedians in it uh it's these two british guys like i don't know simon and carl let's call them that's probably pretty accurate no that's simon peg never mind so so they're dressed up as nazis and they're talking to each other and they're like do you think we're the baddies? We have skulls on our caps because that's what Nazis wore. I've given that a lot of thought and I'm like you know Americans have some of that shit too. It's like when you have a skull it's because you're

obviously a bad evil guy. When we have skulls it's because it's really quite badass. We also didn't have skulls on our caps the same way that the Germans did. Yeah. You don't think our Rangers have a skull version of that?

Nothing like that. There are special forces guys who will put the Punisher thing on. I mean, you saw Chris Kyle did that, right? They'll take on some sort of – they'll decorate themselves in some way. It's not part of the uniform these guys were issued hats with skulls on them you know what i mean it's pretty out there this is the this is a little two minute video clip i love it i've watched this thing a couple times a year yeah are we the baddies are we the baddies you know the other side there they have

stars and stripes and eagles on their caps and we just have skulls and this is you want to watch this yeah look at that i i don't know if this thing is um is official or not but we have i feel like i've seen stuff like this all over the place i don't know i don't know if that's like the the fifth ranger battalion it is it is i'm pretty sure that's just the fifth ranger battalions thing you're right yeah that's got a fucking human let's look up the sixth ranger i bet there's they got a puppy dog like a koala bear to make up for it i I feel like the Air Force has a bunch of skull type things too. Also the

painting of stark faces and mouths on the front of planes. That looks pretty evil. It looks cool. I don't think they really do that as much anymore. That was cool. Yeah, sure. The, um, the difference is the 5th Rangers Battalion doesn't go door to door hunting Jews and executing them in the street.

They do have that going for them. Like, marching them onto death trains to go to fucking Auschwitz. That's a long tally in the Allied column right there. Yeah. Yeah, no death camps for us. I mean, we kept those Japs locked away over in Cali for a while, but they're shifty people. You can't just have them running around. I mean, they had to be safe.

I don't know. That's what we were doing with those Japanese internment camps. We were keeping those guys safe. You don't want them falling victim to hate crimes or something like that. Or the greater good. Do you want to watch this thing? George Takai grew up in a fucking Japanese internment camp.

He talks about getting up at night to go take a piss and walking through a prison yard and having the light follow him to where the bathroom was. There's a guard up there with a fucking gun. He was in a fucking concentration camp. Yeah.

I'm ready to press play. Ready. Yeah, I'm ready to press play. Ready, set, play. Very well. They're coming. Now we'll see how these Russians deal with a crack SS division. Hans.

Have courage, my friend. Yeah. Hans, I've just noticed something. These communists are all cowards. Have you looked at our caps recently? Our caps? The badges on our caps. Have you looked at them?

What? No. A bit. They've got skulls on them. Have you noticed that our caps have actually got... No? A bit? They've got skulls on them. Have you noticed that our caps have actually got little pictures of skulls on them? I don't, sir. Hands. Are we the baddies? Let's see. We should be able to hold them at this point here, at least for a few hours.

Why skulls, though? What? Why skulls? Well, maybe they're the skulls of our enemies. Maybe. But is that how it comes across? I mean, it doesn't say next to the skull, you know, yeah, we killed him, but trust us, this guy was horrid. Well, no, but... I mean, what do skulls make you think of?

Death, cannibals, beheading, um, pirates? Pirates are fun. I didn't say we weren't fun, but fun or not, pirates are still the baddies. I just can't think of anything good about a skull. What about pure Aryan skull shape? Even that is more usually depicted with the skin still on. Whereas the allies... Oh, you haven't been listening to ally propaganda. Of course they're gonna say we're the bad guys. But they didn't get to design our uniforms and their symbols are all, you know, quite nice. Stars, stripes, lions,

sickles. What's so good about a sickle? Well, nothing. And obviously, if there's one thing we've learned in the last thousand miles of retreat, it's that Russian agriculture is in dire need of mechanisation. Tell me about it. But you've got to say, it's better than a skull. I mean, I really can't think of anything worse as a symbol than a skull. A rat's anus?

Yeah, and if we were fighting an army marching under the banner of a rat's anus, I'd probably be a lot less worried, Hans. Okay. So... The fucking bunker trench that they're all hiding in. The ashtray is a skull. The fucking... A guy was drinking out of a skull cup and then another guy's knitting like a skull fucking throw blanket or something it's funny oh we lost taylor

in the middle of that i was i was looking at the other screen i am yeah i just i i watched that i'm like i think we have a lot of skull imagery too and when i see it i think it's cool and i think it's badass and somehow somehow we're still the good guys, even though we have skulls. I felt like their skulls were a bit scarier though. And you know, they were in the business of exterminating people. Well, since he's gone, let me wrap up

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i can pick it up and like i can pick it up and hold it in one hand and then when you cut it it's like slowly expanding into the mattress which was cool but um i just remember buying a mattress in the past for an ex-girlfriend and like going through the process of like first of all you had to pay them to deliver it like it was extra to have it delivered and there's no way around it and i just remember like it was a bitch having to schedule them coming it was like scheduling with a cable company or something but I mean this shows up with UPS I think ours did and I just drug it into the bedroom cut the box open carefully so I didn't ruin my mattress and then when you cut that plastic uh cover it just super expands much quicker than

you would even think and you've got the best mattress you've ever had. So it looks like Taylor's online. I'm just trying to bring him back. I have a killer joke that I'm sure you guys will enjoy. And I really want Taylor here. I figure it like a bigger audience is going to help me. Damn it, Taylor joined the call. They were asking a female comedian on the wrap-up show today which

is like the post stern stern show with like the the ancillary characters they were asking her like what was her most offensive joke and she says i really hate the n-word that lives in my building and i'm trying to get him out and that was the joke she She starts off with, I really hate the N-word that lives in my building and we're doing the best to get him moved out. That was her most offensive joke. I'm not sure if you got it, though. I'm not sure there's an aspect of it.

I really hate the N-word. Dot, dot, dot. And the audience is thinking, oh, she really hates racism she hates the word nigger and then she explained that lives in my building she really hates the black guy who lives in her building and she wants to like get him out so i get it first you think she's super anti-racist and then you realize she's super racist yeah that's the i see not as funny as the 9-11 joke all right here's my joke joke. Are you ready? Come out of the ad.

What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? It's going to be the best joke of the night. What does a robot do at the end? Is it going to be like reboot or something?

That's what I was thinking. That was my immediate thought. He nuts and bolts. Oh, fuck you. You're pretending you don't like it. He nuts and bolts. It's good. All right.

Of the three, that was the strongest. I have another one. Kyle looks visibly upset. I don't think we should do that. That's because it's like the gag. These are good jokes. A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport. Thank you, honey, she says.

What would you like me to bring back for you? He laughs. An Italian girl. When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, so honey was the trip good she replies what happened to my present what pleasant present i asked for an italian girl oh that well i did what i could we'll have to wait nine months and see if it's a girl i see i see uh so the the joke is that she cheated with an Italian man who may have gotten her pregnant. She tried to bring home an Italian girl. She went way... I'd say she took the joke too far.

Well, thanks for your analysis. Yes. So what does a robot do at the end of a one-night stand? He nuts and bolts. He nuts and bolts. Oh, man. You can pretend that my jokes aren't funny, but it's not working. Kyle looks like my dad when he was disappointed in me.

Like, you're over there, like, showing him your magic act, and it's just a little bit too effeminate, and you don't know it yet, and he's just like, that's realeminate and you don't know it yet and he's just like that's real good son. That's real good. You made that quarter disappear real well. Keep practicing but lose all the scarves and get rid of that silk. Lose the scarves. Also that's way

too much goddamn hairspray in your fucking hair. Is that your mother's? What are you wearing? Is that a... What are you wearing? That yeah yeah what are you wearing that's the worst right like disappointing your your dad when you're little like like you think you're like hey dad look at this cool thing i did and he's just like i'm gonna go home and slap your mama right in the mouth to say that whoever she fucked to bring you into this world that cheating whore like he gives you that look go to him and tell like the dumb thing

you did and then like being asked like well why did you do that and you have to fumble for like i don't know i just thought it would be fun to use a balloon launcher and launch it at people on the diving board and then we aim too low and it hit the pool liner and the pool liner ruptured and now it's going to cost you a lot of money. Why'd you do that? I thought it would be fun. I didn't know I could break it, you know? As a kid, you don't think as many steps ahead as you do as an adult.

Like, I mean, I've told it before. I've told it before. We're sitting at the lunch table, and I've got a rubber band, and I've got that little thing on the top of a 20-ounce bottle that's, like, attached to the cap, and then when you take the cap off, it breaks free from that little ring of plastic. And I've been chewing on that ring of plastic until it's just straight, and I put that on the rubber band, and... And now I'm looking for a target, and there Andrew is.

So I just shoot him right in the eyeball with it when he's not aware of it. And he jumps up, of course, ready to fight, and I'm like all right i guess i gotta fight now this is my fault but time to play he's only one it's funny you should mention that he gets three feet away from me and i'm just like all right here we go and he goes blind in both eyes he i can and he goes he's lucky it happened right then and not after he like threw a punch because i can imagine him like throwing a punch and me like i got me and then like then he goes blind and i'm like turn it on and it's like beat the fuck out of a blind kid literally i'll teach you to defend yourself like but he goes blind can't see shit and then he's just like he goes i can't see i can't see

and i'm just like oh my god i blinded him the fuck? I only hit one eye. And he was cool about it. He didn't want to tell on me. He didn't want to rat on me. But in the next period, he's literally like this. His other eye started working again, but his right eye has to be covered, and it's cut, and it's scratched up and stuff. The eyeball

is, so eventually they're like, who blinded you, Andrew? And somebody ratted me would have told on you so hard this isn't prison oh yeah it was that guy right there he tried to blind me i want him expelled no they gave me two days that was two days suspension it was fucking high school iss or oss oh no no we didn't we didn't do much ISS. I only had that once. It was in middle school. In school suspension, they basically put you in a room. You eat your lunch in that cubicle.

You do your work in that cubicle. It sucks. It's solitary confinement. But out of school suspension, my only concern when they do that to me was, oh, I can only miss five days. And you miss five days of any class, and it's pretty much a failure unless you get into some sort of please please please fudge the numbers for me sir kind of thing so like I remember like oh I got suspended for two days oh I got suspended for three days guess I can't miss a day this whole semester when we had in-school suspension you couldn't do any schoolwork and it was filled with kids

that would really benefit from a day of like, all right, I'm forcing you to put your nose in this book and catch up on some classes and understand the material. But instead, it would set them back a day further. It was really a bad plan. It's like prison with no rehabilitation plans. Like, our point is to punish you, make you really bored, and you're just even more fucked at school. They had a hard time dealing with me because they would give me the out of school suspension and my mom was like, oh, really? Well now every one of Kyle's teachers

has a job to do. I want Kyle's work for the next three days. And so now these teachers are all like, ah fuck. I don't even have my lesson planned together for tomorrow. You're telling me I gotta get Kyle's shit organized for three days in the future? They hated it.

And every time my mom would do it to them. And rightfully so. I've got to do my work while I'm gone. But I always remember they hated that. They had a hard time dealing with me. Because I never did anything bad enough to be expelled. They can't kick me out. But I'm definitely just constantly doing it.

Did I just hear a story where you shot someone? In the eye with a piece of plastic launched by a rubber band? Yeah. Okay. I'm with you. Nice. Do you remember when people used to make at our school, they called them hornets? Where it was like, where you fold paper in a certain way, like really

hard folding to the point that it's dense. And it was sharp on every one of the triangle ends. And so then when you fired and it was like sharp on every one of the triangle ends and so then when you fired it it would kind of spin and it those god looking back that's really dangerous like especially when like if we're just eating lunch together and i suddenly go like aha woody boom like just like then have a stinger yeah i got a stinger it wasn't folded just like a small triangle like a paper football is it tighter than that no it was

it was like it was like a triangle but you would fire it from this end and so like it went the if it was an isosceles triangle then it would fire one of the bottom corners one of the longer corners at it if that makes sense yeah we we used to do like lots of just just juvenile stuff at lunch i'd go buy us all a couple bags of skittles i'd distribute them we would pick a target it was a big lunchroom you know i mean big lunchroom you can't even throw a skittle to the other end of the lunchroom and we'd pick a target within range and like eight of us would throw one skittle at that one guy at the exact same time and then go back to eating kyle's things are all so mean right there's always a victim like somebody's mailbox someone's car someone's house someone's like sense of self-worth it it's always

like not nice of course we're being assholes for fun! We're bored! Yeah, we... I mean, we took... It went both ways. I mean, there was a lot of, like... Yeah, a lot of pranking. I always liked practical jokes and pranks where you'd fuck with somebody

and do something weird to them. And I was always open to, you know, be on the receiving end of it, too. I like that shit. It's funny. You know, some people, you put ketchup under their door handle and they have a fucking meltdown.

I think it's funny. I'm like, ah, look, you got me! I mean, I just fucking h like that shit it's funny you know some people you put ketchup under the door handle they have a fucking meltdown i think it's funny i'm like look you got me i mean i just fucking hose that shit off i did that guy one day he just like lost his mind and started crying like oh this isn't even my car it's like it's fucking ketchup it's fucking ketchup i i i i i had a friend you're right there were always were victims but it wasn't like we were like picking on i never picked on anybody and like drugged them down and dogged them every day. I felt like most of the stuff that— We're an equal opportunity bully. And the Skittle thing, those are just random people.

We'd hit teachers with it sometimes. We'd just pick a random guy. It wasn't like it was directed toward this poor guy sitting with it by himself. We just—it was boring. He just so happened to ruin his day. He ruined his day. He got some extra Skittles. It's not the Skittles that would make him feel bad. It's the fact that, oh, a bunch of people really don't like me.

Enough to throw things at me and then ignore it. That's how people would feel. That's exactly how people would feel. Exactly. Well, that's just... You need to learn how your actions impact other people, Kyle. That's exactly how people would feel. Exactly. You need to learn how your actions impact other people, Kyle. A single tear rolls down my cheek. We're fucking 14 years old talking about wanting to see a titty and bored at lunch with some Skittles, man. And it's not like we were all so hyper-accurate that literally one guy just got beamed with eight Skittles.

In reality, a barrage of Skittles hits a lunch table and everybody's like, what the fuck? Who's throwing Skittles? What is this madness? Yeah, not everybody's a sniper with their Skittle where it's like, brr, like all right off the forehead of the guy. I'm sure it was a carpet bomb. It's really just about throwing shit across the room, honestly. I'm trying to think of some other, like other shitty things that we would do like that. We just had so much free time. My friend's, not a friend, I was about to say this earlier,

like an acquaintance of mine, he really disliked this other kid in our grade. I don't know why, maybe they had some history, but what he did, like, I don't know what kind of lockers you had, but they, like, you know those little slits on it? Yeah. On the front to, like, error rate it, I don't really know why. And there's, like, lots of nooks and crannies in there that like you can't see right away especially if you got a bunch of shit that you just like my locker was always so disorganized i just threw everything in then when

i needed it i would just you know i pretty much walked with everything in my backpack not the point of the story this guy took mayonnaise and like kind of slathered it like a thin layer on places in the guy's locker that you couldn't find right away and so it just smelled it got to smell weird and i'd like to say like some huge payoff of like oh man then one time it got so bad he just yacked all over it wasn't that it was just eventually he kind of figured out like oh oh there's just shit on the top of my lot oh gross and just had to like rub it out but looking back so much of the stuff that kids do to each other is just mean-spirited. People would fuck with each other's cars.

I put ketchup under that guy's door handle one time. But there were people who would break each other's windows and key each other's cars. That's what you did to Frank. It's not. They would do permits. They would spit. I remember there was this big meltdown one time where like everybody. And I mean, the whole baseball team was spitting on this one guy's car every day.

They would all on their way back from practice, fucking hock a loogie on Josh's hood. So yucky. Josh was on the team, too, but he had quit and there was a big thing. And so like to get back at him, everybody everybody's gonna spit on his car every fucking day and it was awful like 30 guys spitting on a hood and he had the biggest meltdown red-faced teary-eyed fury and he because you don't know who because it's 30 guys and it's just like all of you all of you motherfuckers i'll i'll come and shit on every car i'll piss in every gas tank and i'll kick every ass there is to kick if there's any spit on my car tomorrow next day came around

everybody fucking spit on that car again on the windows and give a fuck like just just mean kids and i was not a spitter by the way i never spat on anyone i never spat on anybody but we did do this um back in the day like if it's the what was it early 90s there were still cars buzzing around from the 70s and i swear they don't even make cars this bad anymore the whole like automotive industry like what's the worst car they make now like a ford fiesta that would be pretty fucking nice 20 years ago so this guy had like a 70 something toyota corolla and it was small and light enough that it would only take like four guys maybe to turn it 90 degrees in the parking spot and it was small enough that it practically fit like you know so we used to fuck with it all the time and just have him park the wrong way and he would have to

wait until one of the other people left, which was not long, you know, because everyone's leaving school at the same time. Yeah, because everybody gets out of work at the same time when you're in high school. Yeah, yeah, but that was fun to do. It was mostly him just being like, you guys did this fucking shit again? But it wasn't so cruel.

His friends did it. That's not mean-spirited. It's more of like, oh, man, can't wait to see what Tony says now when Tony comes out. Oh, guys! Exactly. The meanest thing i remember from high school and i had nothing to do with it because it was our football team and i wasn't on the football team in high school and there was one guy on the team that everybody like he he was just like oh like different but he wasn't like intentionally mean to people like he wasn't he't vicious or mean. He was just weird. And he got picked on horribly.

Like, when they talk about bullying campaigns, this is the guy that I look back with, like, empathy on. Of, like, God, like, I know, like, bullying's natural. Kids are always going to do it. You can't get rid of it. But that's, like, beyond the, like, busting your balls bullying. It's, like, legitimately trying to get someone upset and depressed. What they did is it was a two-a-day football camp, and it's when they would do the football practice,

and then they come back in. I guess what they did is take off their helmet and their pads and then sit in a room and watch game tape or something from the year before. I don't really know what they do. I never did two-a-days for football. And while they were doing that, everybody's equipment's out. And, of course, they knew this guy's number and one of the assholes on the team you know broke away from the tv meet went back into the locker room took this guy's helmet which is obviously wet with

sweat because they're already outside in the missouri heat and he pissed in this guy's helmet peed in his helmet and then went into the showers dumped the helmet out and then just put it back and this dude just practiced for the rest of that two a day like just kind of knowing something was up but didn't know what it was and just had a piss helmet on his head until eventually they like all started mocking him like oh you go uh steve you got a piss helmet like like at the time when i heard it because like some of my friends were on the football team they were laughing about it and of course i laughed along because i was in high school but even at the time when I heard it, because some of my friends were on the football team, they were laughing about it. And, of course, I laughed along because I was in high school. But even at the time, I'm like, that is so fucking mean to do to someone who you can just see in the hallway.

Every day that dude's face is just like, I fucking hate this. I hate my life. I hate the way everybody looks at me. I hate the way nobody gives me any respect. I hate the way if I try and stand up for myself, there's immediately a click of five guys beating me back into submission like it was just sad i was always really nice to that guy partly selfishly because i was like all right if someone brings a gun to school i'm gonna be the guy in the parking lot that gets the heads up um but also just because i felt horrible for him because everybody's done gone through bullying and shit like i got bullied

in middle school just like everybody does in middle school, and it sucks. If you don't break out of that in high school and kind of make something of yourself, you just become that target again. Dude, I got two stories. Horrible. I got a football helmet story. They put Icy Hot on the front, the part of the helmet that goes right here. When you rub the Icy Hot in, then you go out in the field wearing it, and you sweat. And the Icy Hot starts activating and running down into your eyes and onto your face. And it is horrible.

It is awful. The guy got that put in his athletic cup. Oh, that's worse. Probably. I'm sure the eyes would actually be worse. One thing I didn't like that happened to me is – and I've told part of this story before. There was this guy, Howard, who used to pick on me. And it seemed like there were always like five of them, you know,

and it was stupid stuff. I remember they'd come up and he'd like karate chop my shoulder and say, chop of the morning, which is so dumb. And it didn't hurt. That's funnier than 9-11. That's funnier than all the jokes you've said so far. Chop of the morning. Yeah, yeah. But the thing is it wasn't that he was karate chopping my arm.

It was a signal that he could if he wanted to. Like, that was what it was. And I eventually beat this guy up, which I'll get to. But he scratched fag in my locker. And he was a good bit bigger than me. And the scratching fag in my locker, the big problem with that is it was this, like, badge of shame that I had to fucking deal with for ages, you know, for the rest of the year. Because every year you get new lockers. And people would be like, you know, who scratched fag in your locker?

And I'd be like, ah, they probably didn't know whose it was. But they did. I know who did it. And I know why they did it. Because they didn't like me. And the best part of it was, I've told this before, but we, we would all like get back from gym class and then something about gym class, we all queued up, there was a doorway and the color of the tile changed.

So everyone knew exactly how far you could go. And, and that was the limit. And we're all there, like kind of like I was towards the front of the line and so was he, and there was this natural conflict going on. And, uh, we work our way to the other side of the line and so was he and there was this natural conflict going on and uh we work our way to the other side of the tile change like like everyone they'll fight fight fight and i find myself out there in open space with him you know because everyone's shoulder to shoulder and then we we leave that group and it's like all right like like in my head i'm like well

i i guess we're fucking doing this you You know, like, here we go. And he's tall. Like, he could put his chin on my head. But I had been watching boxing on television the day before. I didn't know what it was. I know now it's an overhand right. But the guy threw this super hard punch and ducked his head down at the same time. And I'm like, the magic of that, right?

It's both offense and defense at the same time like you can't even hit him because he's got his head in the wrong spot and he's throwing a punch like that's the move and uh I throw a jab or two because that seems to be what they did right you know and and they're not really hitting their mark or whatever and then I throw this fucking overhand like right and it just happens to land on his nose. Not that I'm super accurate, but that day I was. And his nose opens up. It just, blood starts gushing out.

Which is the beauty of this thing, right? Because after that, it went to some wrestling that I'll call mostly even or whatever. But the score is fucking posted. His shirt is like covered with blood all over it. And I look fresh as a daisy. And it's just like, yeah, Woody fucking kicked Howard's ass. Like that just happened. I had one of those, yeah.

Yeah. Absolutely. And you popped in the nose. That's about it. Like maybe if you're in the UFC, you want to aim for the button, hit him in the jaw. Like maybe if you're in the UFC, you want to aim for the butt and hit him in the jaw. But if you're in high school, if you pop that kid in the nose, he can't see, breathe, and he's covered in blood. Like you could pop him in the nose and walk away.

Yeah. I've had my nose broken a bunch of times. I've had it where I'm just like tapping out. I don't want anymore. And I've had it where I'm still ready to go. But what happened with this guy, and I still have this like semi-coward regret. After I beat up Howard, and there's really no other way to look at it, his buddy, Michael Bowman, wanted to fight me. And I give myself like a 20% chance at beating Michael.

He was just bigger and stronger than me. He was a long-haired hick country boy, but not fat. And it would have had to be my best day. I lose four out of five times to him. And Michael's like calling me out. Like he's going after me. And I'm like, all right, well, here we go again. I'm not going to puss out or anything. And then this guy named Teddy.

Teddy's black. He's really small. And he talks a mile a minute. And he sees this going on. And Teddy liked me. And he's just having no part. He knows the whole deal he knows what happened i stood up to my bully and now i've got fucking the boss character to deal with and uh teddy's like motherfucker now you got me now you got me yo come on fuck with me fuck with

me i'll fuck you up i'll get right so teddy's going nuts on this guy. Chest to chest. Michael Woods, he's like, dude, my conflict's not with you. My conflict's not with you. Teddy's smaller than both of us. He's just got all the confidence in the world. And I'm like, why did I get this little guy to stand up for me? Maybe if I could have done that, I'd be boss. But I didn't.

He could be your Joe Pesci. Yeah, that's it. He was like a black Joe Pesci. Yeah, that's it. He was like a black Joe Pesci. I watched Casino last week. And that's how Michael got off of my case. You can't even shove it up your ass. Yeah. Is that little girl in here?

Someone here hear a little girl crying? I don't know. There was a tough guy in here. Now I just hear a little girl. Look at the... in here? Someone here will hear a little girl crying? I don't know. There was a tough guy in here. Now I just hear a little girl. The guy's crying after the stabbing and horrific kicking. And he's sobbing to himself. He's like, ah! There was a big tough guy in here a minute ago.

I just want to see a big tough guy in here. Oh, I love Joe Pesci. Joe Pesci's scary. Yeah, so that's what happened with Michael Bowman. That's a good story. You guys want to end it there? Probably.

Alright. PKA episode 296. Check out the sponsors in the description and have a good show. Have a good day. Good night, everyone.