Painkiller Already - Painkiller Already #312

Episode Date: December 16, 2016

This week on PKA, comedian and YouTube star, Mark Ellis joins the guys again and they talk WWE, Conor McGregor in Game of Thrones and the Oakland Warehouse fire.

Live, Painkiller already, episode 312. Quite the achievement to make it to 312. That's a lot of fucking episodes. Yeah, too many. A whole bunch. Well, we've got a lot of sponsors tonight, and a guest who's coming on later on. So let me get the sponsors out there.

We, of course, have Smart Mouth returning, one of my all-time favorites. Dollar Shave Club, Movement Watches, Jack Threads, Seeso, and Stance Socks, once again. So we'll talk more about each of those later on in the show. There are, of course, descriptions right down there right now if you want to get yourself some smart mouth or some fancy socks. But, yeah, do we want to talk about who the guest is

or are we going to leave that as a surprise? I think we should leave that as a surprise in case something falls through. Well, if they read the title, won't they know? Oh, yeah, no guest tonight. And the graphic on the screen that has his name on it. We have blind listeners. Come on. Oh, yeah. No gas tonight. And the graphic on the screen has his name on it. We have blind listeners. Come on. That's true.

No, guys. What everybody, you know, people commented on the last. People commented on the last. If they're blind, they're all in the dark. Exactly. People said they didn't learn enough about the NHL and hockey on the last PKN. No one said that. No one said that.

I saw twos of comments saying that. One was me, but to be fair. Your fake account, we know it. Fucking Cliff Hutchinson hockey pro over there.

I saw your other account. No, I'm not, I'm not going to believe that. I did after this, after we talked the other night, one of you guys linked me to that

hockey player getting his ass knocked the fuck out. What was that? So, so, so was that a dirty hit maybe we should maybe should pull that is a good clip it was one of the biggest things on daddy yeah pull that clip up it's this hockey player

getting hitting real hit really bad hitting hit the thing he's getting hitting it was a good right I only watched it once or twice like that's what I'm hearing it's a good hit because like now let me ask if i know why it's a good hit is it because he's behind the net no is it because the puck was on that side of the the ice why is it a good hit taylor you want this or me uh yeah i can tell sorry i was trying to find the video to link it real quick. So the reason it's a good hit is as Taylor Hall's going into it, first of all, you should know that Taylor Hall is usually on the receiving end of these gigantic hits.

And so it probably felt kind of good for him. But as you're watching him go in, you can see that Larson, the defenseman, has his head completely down, has no situational awareness, which is something like if you get hit with your head down, a coach never going to go oh poor baby are you okay they're going to be yeah that's what happens when you have your head down this is the nhl buck up buttercup and he had his head down and you see taylor hall come in he could have lowered his shoulder and just really plowed it right into his head and really fucked him up but he didn't do that you can almost see his right foot come forward slowing him down and then he collides into the dude, and it's just the fact that this guy's on his back foot

that has no stability. Nah, man, I'm watching this. He fucking puts... Alright, maybe he didn't reach to the bottoms of the Earth's foundations for this amount of strength he threw, but he hit that guy about as fucking hard as he could hit him. It's this whole motion that's almost like a punch where he's rotating hips and shoulders going forward, and then that pad just gets underneath. It seems like it is hitting his head.

You can tell from... It does hit his head some, but it's not his intent. He wasn't headhunting. He hit his head because the guy had his head down at shoulder level. And it was really... You can see Taylor Hall, like, usually when you finish a hit, you're not standing like this with your stick out, kind of like trying to show

that you slowed yourself down. Usually you're, like, leaning forward, like, continuing to skate away because you had all your momentum. Maybe he heard the guy's skull bounce off the ice and he felt bad. And then if you see the guy's skull, what happened afterward is what hurt him more than anything is the guy gets knocked down and then immediately all these warriors come over like oh you can't knock my guy down like that and they kick him in the head and he's just unconscious they're being booted

around by a bunch of professional athletes he does take at least four at least three now skates to the head and they weren't kicks really but when you're knocked unconscious probably don't want anything hitting your head at all. Yeah, when you just suffered a pretty big blow to the head, you don't want to take three more kicks. Yeah, I'm not saying that the guy did anything dirty. I obviously don't know the game, but it just seems to me like if he wanted to, he could have left that guy awake and still taken the puck.

It's such a fast sport. It looks like he's trying to hit him hard but really that's just the nature of how fast you move in hockey oh i'm watching it from the other angle now i don't know it looks to me like the guy so so it looks to me like the player who got hit had this anticipation thing where he he knows where the puck is going what the puck is going to do after it passes him along this along. And he's all anticipation, and he has no idea of what's going on over here to his left. I bet if you ask him, of course he probably lost a few seconds of his life right there, he'd be like, no, I don't even remember if anybody was on to my left.

No, nobody was to my left. They're like, yeah, the guy who knocked you out, he was to your left. That's all it takes. Because he had the puck because he got hit, so that's legal. That's all it takes is just one second of, oh, I'm kind of gathering the puck in my possession, and you have your head down looking at it like a peewee,

and you just get shit rocked. I like how the goalie, Markstrom, at the end, turns around and kind of scolds the Devils fan who was trying to get video of the whole thing. If you watch this thing, and I've seen it a couple times now, I swear the hit, and oftentimes in hockey this is true, head on ice was the worst of all the hits. The kicks to the head can't help.

The initial shot to me was like shoulder to shoulder. I didn't see much of a head hunt at all. I could look at it again and i think it's no i agree where the ice was at least as at least as bad as the hit but almost certainly worse it's like like it would be different if this was someone with any history at all of throwing dangerous hits but if you know anything about taylor hall like this i don't yeah he's not uh you don't know but he's not a big i don't think he would do that but anyway we've already gone too long yeah yeah far too long already my little joke turned into too much

though we've hit our hockey quota for the week but yeah i love big hits like that that's it's part of the reason that it keeps you hooked watching it maybe you did see somebody more than i thought initially but yeah i still think the worst of all the hits wasn't the kick. It wasn't the initial one. It was that fall head on ice. Who was it? McSorley hit Brashear? If Brashear had a proper...

Yeah, Donald Brashear. If Brashear had a proper helmet in that situation or if he had his chin strap on, I know a lot of fighters don't, then that was another time where, like, McSorley was just trying to instigate a fight. He was trying to, I think earlier they had a scuffle, and he was like, dude, you're an enforcer, we're enforcers, we fight.

Give this to me. And Brashear was like, ah, fuck you. I choose not to engage. So McSorley was, like, batting him with the stick or whatever. Somehow Brashear hit his head on the ice after he like hit him and messed with him and uh that was where brashir got really really hurt again yeah head on ice the ice is i guess everyone's fallen on ice it's curiously hard something about yes it's the hardest thing ever slipped on just a small amount of ice and you hit your tailbone on it like if you're trying to walk

across like a puddle that's frozen over or a pond or something like it's it's it's shockingly painful because you're just like oh fuck like it doesn't give at all there's no give in ice it's a rock it's a fucking solid the fact that it used to be water means nothing. It's just a fucking rock now. Honestly, it was a major oversight to make such a physical sport and play it on ice. I was thinking about this hit and everything earlier today. One of the things UFC does right is the octagon floor is more padded than you might guess. Bouncy, isn't it? Yeah, it's bouncy and there's some padding. And it's really traction-y.

It'll tear your skin up. I don't like – so that's one – whenever I'm – I think that's one of the things that I know because I've been on it that most people don't realize. When I'm watching them grapple and they're doing quick moves on the ground where, say, your ankle has to slide across the mat know the part of your wrist that's really bony there on the end or your elbow it's giving them super rug burn it is sanding the flesh off their body and they're often forced to do that sort of thing they're often have like parts of them ground into it or they're putting all of their weight plus someone else's weight on a joint that's getting slid around on it for traction it sounds's so awful. It sounds terrible because it is, but you don't even think about it

because in the meantime, they're throwing elbows, fucking cutting each other's faces open and bashing each other so bad that the rug burn loses. But if you watch at the end of the fight, you'll see this really bad rug burn. They're all scraped up everywhere.

Yeah, but you need a lot of traction to do some of the stuff they're doing, all the takedowns and takedown defense and stuff. UFC has their floor right. Hockey, on on the other hand really didn't think it through they did not i think i have a topic um kyle did you you sounded like you had one too we could do yeah i want to talk about conor mcgregor being in video well i wanted to start with conor mcgregor being in game of thrones and then um sort of transition to some silly MMA, which is this guy's How to Defend the Chokehold video, which I just

love. It seems that his natural accent is that of Kimmy J. Kimmy J, number one car commentator. He's Kimmy J, but for real, and he's a martial artist, and he's going to teach you how to defend against a rear naked choke. But I read today that Conor McGregor was going to be

in the next season of gamer thrones hopefully some small middling role but the likes of which they gave have they revealed anything about what like what he will be i don't think so i haven't seen that either i did see that he was going to be in it and this is how fighters meet their downfall right this is which right act rich rocky is it where like he's all i guess the one with three right with clubber lang where he kicks off and he's like in his super mansion living like the tyson peak lifestyle paul he's got a fucking robot for some reason that he's oh no that's four oh so am i mixing up i might be mixing up i'm not sure by four it's outrageous by four it's

outrageous because he's really showing the disparity between the capitalist American and the communist Russian. You really see the Soviet at the time. You really see the disparity there. He's got two Lamborghinis in his yard, a dog that if you listen very carefully, Pauly is fucking that robot. Pauly is fucking that robot.

That is his fuckbot, and he clearly admits to it in mixed company. In the future. Yeah, so, but I think it's three that I'm thinking of, because that's the one where he's the paper champion. He's kind of gone soft, whereas Clover Lang is really,

you know, busting his ass, and Rocky, whatever. All them others was bums they was bums i'm telling you this one's a real animal he's gonna rip your head off anyway i see that in connor and connor sees that in connor i've seen him talk about this before where he's like man i think i'm in rocky three but i guess i'm still putting the work in and you know it when he starts starring in game of thrones he's not an actor you. He just uses the same fucking can lines. He's like two seasons late, too.

You know who he would have been a great? No. The Red Viper Oberyn Martell. No. Dancing around with the mountain in there. You'll do nothing. Oh, you'll do nothing. Oh, you'll step up to me and you'll get a real taxidermy.

Taxidermy. That's just Irish fucking. Don't tell me she hides. That kind of shit is what he would do. Oh, you raped my sister? Oh, and you're going to pay for it? Oh, you betcha. I got two belts. Two belts, not for nothing. I'm about to take a third. It's even in my wage class.

I wish I could do accents. But yeah, he would have been great at that. That leads into my next topic almost. I really like the actor they did get for that. That guy Yeah, that guy killed it yeah he killed it yeah he did i i loved his uh his character in the book like he was one of the deaths that he knew they were gonna fight but but i didn't think that it was gonna go down like that that was one of the that was my own the closest thing that i personally had to like the

red wedding moment because uh i don't think the red wedding was a surprise for me or maybe it wasn't as surprising i think that it i think that it was surprising how many people died i thought maybe it was just gonna be robbed but when i saw over and get his fucking skull crushed that was like whoa whoa i didn't i hadn't read the books at that point 30 seconds ago i had no idea how who was gonna win that fight i remember i think all of us, except maybe Taylor, were guessing as to how it might turn out. We were on the show. We were like, I think this is going to happen, and that guy's going to happen.

We had different ideas. We didn't even know who was going to represent them. It was a really exciting time for Game of Thrones. Now I just kind of want to see the ending. What are there, two seasons left? I think there's two more, right? Yeah, two more seasons. Probably like 15 to 16 actual episodes, though. So

really just a season and a half plus one or two. And yeah, I want to see it end. I hope that they've still got some tricks for us up their sleeve where we still have that moment of, oh my god, no! How are they going to fix this in two episodes? They can't fix that. You can't fix that.

That's going to be so infuriating if the entire series comes out before the next book. Or really just before the end of the series. Because that's kind of fucking upsetting to me. I was just thinking the opposite. Reading. Oh, really? Yeah. I was thinking like, you know, I hope that the series comes along before the book does.

Because I'll probably read the books, audio book it. And I don't know. I just feel like I enjoyed the show more before I had the book to be like, ah, look at, no, that's not supposed to happen.

That's actually somebody else's character plot line that you've just jammed into this one. And the books made the show less awesome to me. I don't like having the show come out first because i really like creating the whole world in my head like reading through what was happening with the mountain and everything in the first book like i didn't have the reference of the show as much it was more just like you just imagine everything like you you all the i don't know like you you guys have to experience that with books like when you read lord of the rings and then the movies come out it's like huh that's not what i thought the troll would look like or that's not what i thought this character would be

or i didn't picture him being such a big player like it i don't want it to be pre-packaged i want to be able to like explore like in your own imagination that's so stupid sounding but it's fun imagine having my particular name-based retardation for a Game of Thrones audiobook. How hard is this to keep up with? And a lot of them have very similar names. Like who's the badass girl who's from the boat world? What's her name in the book? Asha?

What's her name in the book? Ah, it's... Asha? Asha and Osha, I think, gets really complicated because you have the two different versions from book to movie. And in the book, they're almost identical names. Where it's like Yara in the book or something? Yeah, well, in the show, they make it Yara. But in the show, it's like Osha and Asha.

It's like, whoa, are you telling me that you've got two young, attractive, badass fighter women who are both like – their names are just so close to each other. You can't do that. I'm hearing you say you don't like it. One of them is wildly one of them is like the leader of the – The other one is in occupational health and safety. Imagine like me trying to – like I don't know. I swear to god i'm smart in other ways but names it's not that way and uh it may be game of thrones i'm just

born to watch that one on the screen i don't know can we watch this quick video i promise you'll get a lot of this if you haven't seen it yet this is the kit this guy is going to teach you how to defend against this rear naked choke and and I can't say it's bad technique. All right. Ready? Just frozen on two seconds, if I can say. This guy is already very emphatic. He's standing in front of what looks like a tire change reception area.

And then in the bottom left is one of those 2007 YouTube style overlays. And it's just him holding a sword without a shirt on. Just thought I'd set the stage. Ready, set, play. On this lesson here, somebody asking me how to get out of the red liquor choco choco. Now you know I do a lot of them already, but you

know a lot of Tom, Dick, and Harry fucking a lot of ass out there and said, oh, you can't get out of this, you can't get out of that, you can't get out of this. Mind you, you can't get out of fucking nothing. Seems get out that kid. I'll get mind you Seems like he's being filmed at 1.5 speed Okay, this is why I say to you a lot of time when you gotta spend time to trying to make sure you understand what you're Doing but assuming you do some stuff, and you know what you do and something be very good at it put a choco Let me show you how to fuck them up properly. Okay, let me show you so some someone put you in chocolate this

Yeah, I'm not it And then to me There's no problem. So here joke Tim grab the hand up and up come here grab the fucking nut. Yeah, I mean the fuck the nut Pull the flipping goddamn thing off then release the arm here, elbow to the body like this, grab the arm here, then come back. Now we're in this position, okay? Now we're in this position, he's gonna have a problem. Why? Because I'm gonna be underneath here, I'm gonna choke his fucking neck off like this, and here, and I'm gonna put his arm.

So, he's gonna have a big... None of that works! There's no more choking. No, there's not. I'm not gonna fuck with me anymore. But to do this kind of thing here... I I don't know Woody, he seems like a pro that's how you actually get out of that you attack the locking hand he's saying, yeah you can do this kind of thing here. When the other guy participated- That's how you actually get out of that. You attack the locking hand. Yes, but-

He's saying, yeah you can do that, but uh, you hit the nut! Whop him, lock tight, then like this, and just go like this, yeah? Slappy nut. I mean I fucking pull a nut out, and sssssssss's the basic idea you see somebody put you in a chuckle like this this is what you need to teach them a lesson they want to kill you you're gonna pull he nut out he ground you out of him and make sure he never have no more kid and get that goddamn nut and shop when he cut them out And make sure we eat them Raw, like, you know, sushi You know what I mean? Like, Japanese sushi stuff

Shoppenny cut them, make sure you eat them Yes, yes, I absolutely would fucking choke this guy If this guy would let me go like Wings of Redemption and start off with the choke You need to know anything and everything I would just mock him the whole fucking time It wouldn't work. You should call this guy out on Twitter right fucking now. And in the same style of broken English, although I think this is authentic,

be like, you no grab my crown jewel. You no put it in my mouth. I grab you. Choke your fucking neck off. So for people that Wing Chun is largely regarded as a bullshit martial art, like one of the bullshito martial arts, it's true. He has a sword. That's clearly authentic. Swords are scary.

But it's never been used successfully in any kind of combat martial art. They just get wrecked by people who practice stuff. Isn't it that martial art, for the audience's sake, where they do a lot of real fast, like short movements and they're going, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. And if someone is playing along with it, it looks like they're just getting destroyed.

Yeah, and this guy, like so many of these like McDojo masters, is more like bullshit or salesman than martial artist. He's the tire shop master, I believe. Yeah. That guy, that's where he works. That's why he was so close.

Toughest guy here at Quick Lube close and what he'll tell you the same thing as all these mcdojo guys is like oh yeah yeah i'd beat all those ufc fighters but yo i play outside the rules the ufc wouldn't have a guy like me because i'm a nut grabber i poker whatever i can change your oil in three minutes choke you out 30 seconds uh yeah dude that guy he wasn't defending the choke properly that won't work no it will not yeah i mean like everyone here i i can't see taylor but kyle we're wearing jeans do you really think that he could grab our nutsack and rip it off you know one-handed i will say here's what i will say, though, that, like, I would never expect him to go for that and someone to do that to me. And if he ever did get my nuts, I'd have a hard time not letting go. Like, that may be the time, though, when I, as the choker, go to something much more dirty myself, like a fish hook or an eye gouge, though. Because if you grab my nuts, all bets are off.

Like, I might fucking, you know, give you a legit eye uh uh official like yeah like in ben uh what was the movie with dicaprio uh gangs of new york if you've ever seen the opening fight scene the gangs of new york you get to see a legit fish hook where he rips the guy's cheek you know from from corner to ear doesn't uh john c reilly do it no john c Reilly has that big thumping club that he's walking laying fuckers out and then putting a hash mark on it. That's a great movie. Yeah, while people are in my club. If you have a huge amount

I think it's longer than Lord of the Rings which is a fucking feat. Not combined. Because that is so long. Not combined. It is long. It's like a four hour movie. I remember enjoying it but I haven't seen it in ages daniel a lewis i think is the greatest american uh actor that's alive i think he's our best uh the best we've got he doesn't always pick movies that i love but but but god damn if

he isn't good and he's one of those method actors that that isn't silly about it i don't think he's just he really does seem to commit to it whether it's fun or glamorous or or i don't think it's for attention he's not one of those silly actors that would pretend to be Lincoln for months on end. That's not silly. He did literally pretend to be Lincoln for months on end and when he did the movie My Left Foot which is about this Irish guy who had cerebral

palsy and they thought he was retarded until a certain age when he was finally able to write with chalk with his freaking foot to show him that he was intelligent on the inside and he just needed proper schooling. He then later became a writer and an artist doing it all with his left foot to show him that he was intelligent on the inside and he just needed proper schooling. He then later became a writer and an artist, doing it all with his left foot and his toes. He plays that guy, and to get into character for that, you gotta

carry this bitch around set, dude. He's in a real wheelchair, and he's pretending like he has cerebral palsy. Only his left foot works now, so you just gotta look after this guy and carry him from set to set. So devil's advocate with the method acting thing, I've always kind of thought this. It's probably not right, but

isn't method acting in having to pretend that you are that character for the entire duration of the film mean that you're a worse actor? Because you're not able to snap into and out of character at a moment's notice. You have to literally live completely coddled by everyone around you with

kid gloves. Oh, don't bother Mr. Lincoln today. You know, he's totally fine using his fucking Keurig machine, but he won't take the goddamn taxi here. We have to get a carriage and buggy for him to come on over. I have the same line of thinking. Like, I guess the ultimate judge of how good an actor is is how good the product is. But I am more impressed by someone who makes a great product who doesn't have to fucking ruin everything about the production of it. It's more just that I think it's silly, not that I care, just that I'm putting myself in the position of that poor schmuck

who's been in L.A. for six months trying to get it started, and he's working at the craft services, and he has to go through and make sure that none of the fucking milk is pasteurized because old man Lincoln doesn't drink it the modern way. Like, it's just that kind of shit seems really, really stupid. I don't think that would happen. Of course not.

I want raw milk, goddammit! Yankee scum. I told you I'll only accept food brought to me from black people until the filming is over. You may be emancipated, but you're not free, boy! Get back here! you I'll only accept food brought to me from black people until the filming is over you may be emancipated but you're not free boy get back here you're getting a little too real in your method acting you know you're getting pretty racist you know Daniel whipped a man to death

this morning really yeah yeah he said you don't disrespect the president that way this ties into one of my topics so I saw this on reddit today caught my interest what character role was absolutely perfect for that actor I got a little influenced because I looked at other people's answers. Can I go first? It's definitely Patrick Stewart playing Professor Xavier in The X-Men. When he first saw the comic, he said to his representation, why is there a comic book about me? Why is there a comic book about me? It was like, who's this fella that they made? Why am I in here? What is this?

This is bullshit. They were like, no, no, that's a whole other guy. You want to play him? I think he's perfect. I've got two. One is Joffrey. Joffrey did such an amazing job at that. I don't know the actor's name, but Joffrey from Game of Thrones.

I actually thought the actor was a dick. That's how well he did that role. And then after he died I realized how silly I was and then I'm way too grown a man to feel that way but I did and uh the other one oh the other one was Walter White I don't he wouldn't have like him from Malcolm in the Middle I would have no idea he could crush that role like he did and gosh he was perfect in it i would say john goodman as walter in the big lebowski okay is pretty perfect when he's going through all of his bowling alley rants about how the world really works in john goodman's head and screaming at poor Borat over there. He was like, to cross the line!

You know, screaming. Market zero! What was that fucking 1911 out? He's got those yellow tinted glasses. This isn't NOM, there are rules! And just seeing him in that part. I fucking love John Goodman as an actor. He's awesome.

He's amazing. I don't want to hitch on your your uh uh thing woody but i was thinking ramsey even more so than joffrey as far as that because joffrey made me like irritated by him and like yeah he's a real evil fuck but part of it you can be like this is a a young kid with power who never maybe learned any better or something i don't know you can kind of try and fit it in there with ramsey he's just unabashedly evil and he does an excellent job getting you to to realize his evilness and to hate him to be like this is someone like every time he comes on the screen it's like a visceral reaction of like oh shit's about to go down like this guy he's gonna cut off somebody's dick or like pull out all their fucking toenails or something so he was great and then there's so

many of these i'm i just keep thinking of more perfect actors do you have any more kyle i'm trying to think i mean obviously vigo mortensen as aragorn goes without saying because he was not a big actor at all before he got the role of Aragorn and he knocked it out of the park. I liked what's the guy's name who played the elf? Judy Blume or something? Jude Law? Who played that? It wasn't Jude Law.

Orlando Bloom. Orlando Bloom was really good. I really like your stream of consciousness discovery. Judy Blume? No. i think that's a character from i think he had to go to like like like the category of like like male actors i find attractive yep orlando bloom that child who plays spider-Man? Nope, nope, not him. Just fucking around. That's a good one.

Yeah, he was good in that. Yeah, he was on my mind from this topic. The new one in particular, the Spider-Man and Avengers that under-roos, and I don't know, his little one-liners and jokes and such were so perfect in Civil War that... It's capturing what Spider-Man was initially about and what separated it from the other

superheroes in that Peter Parker's kind of a kid. He's very immature. A lot of his problems are the problems of a teenager who's just come out of high school and has a girl that doesn't like him and a job that's tough. He put him in this giant thing and he's kind of honored to be in this group.

They're like, normally there's not so much talking in the fighting like i'm really sorry about that i don't need to talk too much and like i don't know like he was just so perfect all the lines were delivered just like i'd hoped they'd be agreed uh i thought it was an excellent addition to that film i'm glad to see him in the marvel universe there's so many characters in the marvel universe um like i can't even think of them all because because there's a lot of story like i think the um the watchman the watchman is dc i think right i don't think i have no idea let me check yeah like like pretty much all that media is owned by either dc or marvel there's not a lot of in between and guys like the punisher he's a marvel guy i'm trying to think of the ones the other day that were because i was thinking of

all you exist in the same universe although the ones the other day that were... Because I was thinking of all the people that exist in the same universe. Although technically with the Watchmen, that's an alternate universe. So they don't coexist with, say, Batman and Superman. And there's some clues in the movie and in the comic, though I haven't read it, as to why. They show

a bit of where history diverges. I think there's a part where in the Watchmen universe there's a part where in the Watchmen universe there's this part at the very beginning where they, I think they play Bob Dylan's time is a changing and it's like a montage of those that era superheroes

punching people with a camera going off and stuff like that. And one of the guys that gets punched is the guy who kills Batman's parents and in the background are Martha and Bruce Wayne's and in the background are martha and bruce and bruce wayne's father in the background like like oh let's get out of here this place is a real mess you know but some in this universe a superhero saves them and batman never has to become or anything so i thought that was kind of interesting the extended edition of

watchman yeah yeah you got to watch the extended you You get a lot more dick, a lot more dong. I don't know if you've really seen it. It has like 30 minutes of cartoon in it. It's extremely long. I like it. It just switches to cartoon? Yeah. It's almost like a parallel movie in it. I'm not sure I even followed it that well.

I got bored and angry. It's like four and a half hours. I don't know if I'm exaggerating, but it's really long. It's like 90 minutes of cartoon. I like when they make a super long version of just about anything, so I guess I'm probably biased with that. Like Frank Herbert's Dune.

I typically feel that way too. I won't watch the two hour and 20 minute version of Dune because it cuts out a whole bunch of extra stuff. I think they're remaking Dune, which is a huge, huge, huge epic of a story. If they do that, that'll be

big. I'm trying to get how long The Watchmen is because it is super long. Or maybe it just seemed that way. Yeah. It is really long. At least as long as Lord of the Rings that's my barometer for how

long stuff is yeah the Lord of the Rings is just a I was thinking about going back through it the other night we were we were talking about it and I was like I was seeing how many of the lines from the movie I could quote like in succession and like like keep the the flow of the film going inside my head.

It was a lot of them. It went for a while. Yeah, yeah. Those movies are great. I've seen them so many times, and the writing is great, too. It's a good way to get Chiz to shut up in a Skype convo is to just start quoting Lord of the Rings back and forth to each other.

The Oryx are taking them to Isengard! Okay. It's over three and a half hours. 3.6 hours. And I'm talking about the ultimate cut, as it turns out, what I call the extension. And that's where they mix in

Tales of the Black Freighter into the story. So they just blend in some fucking cartoon in the middle and it somehow ties in. It was a lot. I don't know. Three and a half.

That's way too... Who do they think they are? PKA? Exactly. Maybe our listeners will like it. It got long for me. Yeah. So, Kyle, you've been watching Westworld,

kind of getting into it, right? Nope, not a bit. All right, never mind. I finished it. Guess not. Guess we're not traipsing down that road this evening. Let's see what else. I want to find one of these AMAs that's good.

Because we need to get some of those. Oh, there's that video of the... I guess it was on maybe the Today Show. It's the video of the guy who owns that warehouse in Oakland. And Matt Lauer really puts him on the spot. First of all, as he's coming on camera, he's like, I don't even know what I'm doing here. I don't even know why I'm here. He's like, you can tell it's going through his mind like maybe this is a fucking mistake oh and and and he's and matt's like um we just want to

ask you a few questions here uh he's just like i just want the families to to stomp on my body and tear up my flesh he didn't say that what did he say yes he did yes he did that's a quote i listened to it as well that's one of his quotes it was they're all crazy this is basically what it was the guy he started the interview and his main point was like i'm just a guy following a dream i've got kids you know we we lived in this place and yeah we let other people live there and whatnot and like but we didn't know that it was dangerous or anything and the guy like like i the whole time i'm thinking like this is just a manipulative piece of shit who was clearly a mini me slumlord who is now not taking responsibility for putting people up in accommodations that were not legal and not safe and he went through a whole thing of you know oh woe is me my family and uh

they asked him like well why weren't your kids there why weren't your family there at your house and he said well i just wanted to let the young people there having a party. I wanted to let them, you know, finish their party, and we wanted to get a good night's sleep. And it was like, so you're saying that your children have to leave where they live to go stay in a nice hotel where you put them up to get good sleep. Like, is that what you're saying? And he kind of pivots to, like, I mean, it's just so tragic. Why are you asking these ridiculous questions? Why are you asking? I'm he kind of pivots to like, I mean, it's just so tragic. Why are you asking these ridiculous questions?

I'm not going to answer these. Thank you, Kyle. I'm not going to answer these ridiculous questions anymore. These are ridiculous questions. I am so sorry. If I could let the parents just tear at my flesh, I would. And stomp on my body, I would. You could let them do that, actually.

That's on the table. I'm down. Yeah. we're gonna start pulling this guy's toes off he's gonna be like whoa whoa whoa no no not really i meant that as a as a figure i'm so sorry not for real but i really meant is i'm gonna keep all of your children's money and also not get in trouble for letting people live in a hovel that's burnable and made of paper apparently. It was very awkward. That's what I took from it was that you rarely see someone on camera so unprepared to be on camera.

Usually, you know, with the help of a broadcaster, they guide you through it. If someone seems a little like they're in deep water, they're scared of the camera or the light or whatever, the broadcaster can guide you through it. This guy just kind of talks to himself for large points of it. It's kind of

long, but do you want to try it? Yeah, we could dig around in it, maybe. I enjoyed it a lot. It's a terrible tragedy and everything, but this is the bad guy. I see that it starts in like 10 seconds, so we could just... Yeah see that it starts in like 10 seconds.

We could just... Sure. Yeah, we can just go to seven seconds. Were you guys saying something? I kind of stepped on it. Oh, no, I was just saying that this guy, I think the reason he was having so much trouble is because he's probably some sort of addict or something, and also it's indefensible.

He knew exactly what he was doing being a slumlord, like a building lord or whatever you would call it. But anyway, let's go ready set play is the man who ran the so-called ghost ship he is at the scene of the fire this morning the ghost ship joining us now mr i want a good morning to you good morning yeah 36 good morning i'm that looks like an npc in new vegas what am i doing here can i just say i'm sorry looks like an NPC in New Vegas join the keys to put my face in my body here in front mr. Almond and let me ask you a couple of questions 36 lives were lost in that building over the weekend. The family members of those who were lost want answers.

They want to know who should be held accountable for their loss of their loved ones. Are you the man who should be held accountable? Yes. Am I the man who should be held accountable? We're off the rails.

Did I build something? We're freestyling. should be held accountable we're off the rails did i build something that was i'm a freestyler should i be held accountable i can barely stand here right now but it's a it's a fair question mr al. Almona. Obviously, there were some conditions in that building that may have led to a dangerous situation and led to what happened there. I laid my body down there every night. We laid our bodies down there. We put our children to bed there every night.

We made music. We created art. We opened our home. What became our home, it didn't start off as our home it started off as an initial dream an idea that we would have a facility in a venue that would host everything from at-risk youth to the gay community to artists that couldn't perform anywhere to to start it off as a dream that I'd be a slumlord I'd be a slumlord. Alternative arts. Yeah.

And eventually... For starving artists. Someday you have to exploit people for money. Your dream is bigger than your pocketbook. When the need for housing, when the need for people to be able to sit down and be warm... Matt Lauer's really letting this go. ...and make food and take a shower and take a bath and go to bed. And so we created something together, you know?

This stopped being me. This wasn't about me three years ago. I signed a lease and I got a building that was to city standards supposedly. And I was lured into something that I had to constantly... Mr. Alma, it may have been a dream and all of that may be true. It's probably been a dream and all of that may be true. It's probably not a dream. For some people to live. But according to the city, it was not under code. And we have someone who lived there, an artist who lived there for two years, Shelley Mack.

And she said she rented a space from you, that you knew it was dangerous, that you profited from this and never spent a dime on anything but partying. What did you do to ensure this? I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about me. I don't want to talk about i don't want to talk about me i don't want to talk about profiting this is profit what can you tell me you care to ensure the safety of those father i laid my i laid my three children down there every night we understand that this is not profit this is loss this is a mass grave lawyer would advise you not to be taken i'm only here to say I'm only here to say one thing that I am incredibly sorry and that everything that I did

Was to make their right longer more absolutely community. This is a bit out of my Horrible place I once handled the case where 16 toddlers drown in the truck each case when there was a foot and a half of standing water hidden under the ball pit place. People didn't seek us out to perform or express themselves because we were a horrible place. No one was 47 years old. I'm the father of this space. And on the night of the fire, on the night of the fire, did I know there was going to be a fire? Did I remove my children from the space and get a hotel? Because I wanted to avoid this? Because I wanted to cast blame on other people?

No, because I wanted to get a good night's sleep with my children. I don't want to let the young people do what they needed to do. I'm not going to answer these questions the way that you're presenting them. I didn't do anything ever in my life that would lead me up to this moment. Can I ask you if you are? I'm an honorable man. I'm a proud man. No, I'm not going to answer these questions on this level. Are you worried that you will be charged?

I would rather get on the floor and be trampled by the parents. I'd rather let them tear at my flesh than answer these ridiculous questions. Mr. Allen. I'm so sorry. I'm incredibly sorry. What do you want to do is a little bit against the air right then we will we will call the the then will in the interview there was a little but how are you any get mad this is gold for believing that she just let this guy fucking hang himself appreciate

your time this morning another i think agree with you there, Woody. I feel like it would have been easy to keep that guy going, and he was going to say something that was really going to get him in trouble in a minute. I paused it. It was about to get good. Howard Stern would have turned that into something amazing. He'd have been like, yeah, this isn't your fault. What was the wiring light? Because that's on the city, I think. Yeah, he'd have been like, yeah, this isn't your fault. What was the wiring light?

Because that's on the city, I think. Yeah, right? He'd have been like, be honest with me. You fuck any of the tenants, right? Did some of the tenants fuck you for rent? Well, yeah, I guess a couple of them. I don't know. We're all laying around in there.

Yeah, they're artist types, you know. Like, I don't know. They could have done something great with that and said, they're like, oh, I can see you're distressed. We'll cut that here. Ah, you dickwad. You had a great interview going. Yeah, that guy was having a real fucking meltdown there. I don't believe that he...

Part of you wants to feel bad for him because you see this position of, clearly, I don't think this guy... Obviously, he didn't want 36 people to die in his establishment. He didn't want that. I don't think he's a mean-spirited guy in that regard. But he's also clearly someone he didn't want 36 people to die in his establishment. He didn't want that. I don't think he's a mean-spirited guy in that regard. But he's also clearly someone that didn't give a care enough to even get it checked out before he was allowing huge raves to happen

in this warehouse where he was just, I guess, shuttling these kids around to other places to live. It's just that's bad parenting and even worse, running of what is probably an illegal business. It is an illegal business. Yeah, it totally is. They didn't have permission for those shows and stuff. You don't think they're paying taxes? No. And if you look at, like,

they've described the layout, and CBS did kind of a CGI thing to show you how it was all laid out. It was a fucking death trap anyway. You think there was probably drug use in there? A ton of drug use. See, that's the scenario you have to envision so you understand how 30-something people are dead in a warehouse.

That's how the fire got started. Who's a lighter? A spoon and a tinderbox somewhere. That's what it was. Some lazy Lauren trying to get her hit that night. It was too breezy inside so they set the walls on fire

made of straw, by the way, so they could melt the spoon. It was one guy on coke with a great idea. You know? We don't need the lights if we light everything on fire, then it's all lights. Yeah, right. The whole building's a light source.

No, no, it's only dangerous if you're slow, but we're quick, quick, quick, quick, quick. It's only dangerous if you're slow and I'm on cocaine, so fuck it. He's like saying that to his heroin buddies. Oh, hey. Speaking of assholes starting fires, it turned out that two teenagers started

those Gatlinburg fires that killed 14 people. How did they find that out? I'm not sure how, but they did. They've arrested those that those kids always so impressive when they Figure out how a fire started like I don't yeah No, it's all burned

It's fucking magic. I look at my fireplace or fire pit, and I'm like. I don't know what the hell happened in there. It's all charred. You're like, it could have been anything. You could have thrown a handful of sparklers in there for all I fucking know. You could have been doused in motor oil. You could have started that with coal dust. Did I start that with gas? Did I start it with paper? Did I start it with – you don't know. You don't know.

There's all kinds of shit in there. In backdraft, it was easy enough because the melted incandescent light bulb pointed towards wherever the fire started. Like, that seems pretty straightforward. But in real life, it seems very complicated. I don't really know how. Yeah, when they say, like, oily rag was there, it's like,

but it was covered in oil. If that started the fire, that would be the first thing gone, right? You would think, yeah. I don't know how it always works. I think maybe sometimes it has a lot to do with the fact that they're able to get right there and put it out and then sort of see maybe electrical scorching up a wall or something like that. Or maybe they can see, oh, well, it clearly started in this corner, and by deduction the coffee pot was plugged in right there.

Maybe they do that sort of thing. And also chemical testing of course to find what chemical compounds remain in the soot or the ash or whatever. I feel like with forest fires I might be able to do it. Like imagine the wind blows in one direction, the fire's six hours old and it's all V-shaped. Like it's all, there's just a big forest fire in the shape of a V.

And I'm like, I think it started right here. In your backyard, Pete. What the fuck? It's just, yeah. A big pile of, like, a big pile of bottle rockets laying there in his backyard. Fall leaves, right? The difficult one is, like,

the difficult one is, like, a whole house burned out. Because, like, you were saying, Kyle, like, you can do it easily. Like, if a fire started in my toaster right now and i went over there and put the fire out and said this started in my toaster it's like no shit idiot like that's the only thing that was on fire you put it out early but if i'm out and i come home and everything is tinder and and smoldering ashes i just i don't understand how they go in there and go ah maybe there's some remnants of wiring or something i don't know how do they in there and go, ah, maybe there's some remnants of wiring or something.

I don't know. How do they know it's that and not a toaster oven or a Keurig or something? I think it would depend from fire to fire, but you're right. On the surface, just looking at it, it seems like it would be wicked hard to go in, especially if something has burnt to the ground and then do forensic

work to figure out where this fire started. Maybe it has something to do with how much of the left side of the building is burnt rather than the right or something. Or it could be one of those fields where everybody just defers to the expert, and the expert knows that it's BS, like psychics, where they're like, oh, we'll talk to old Tommy Lawrence, our fire expert. Tommy, what started this? Ah, faulty refrigerator wiring.

A kid. And they're going to go, I don't think so. And he's going to go, you're going to question me? What experience do you have? Tommy, what started this? Ah, faulty refrigerator wiring. A kid. And they're going to go, I don't think so. And he's going to go, you're going to question me? What experience do you have? And you go, you know what? You're probably right. You know?

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other favorite store. It's really great stuff. It is. It's really great stuff. It is. It's really good. It's completely different than using Scope or something that's just there to overpower everything in your mouth with an alcohol. Give you the illusion of good breath. Yeah, that's just like, I don't know,

spraying air freshener on a stinky smell. This is like Febreze for your mouth. It's going in there and actually chemically fixing the source of the smell of breath. Chemically activating and getting rid of all the germs' abilities to produce sulfur, which is what makes your breath smell bad, sulfur. So you don't just want to get rid of the existing sulfur in your mouth. You want to get rid of the ability of the germs in your mouth to produce it for a long period of time. So if you're having very smelly food like Woody, you don't smell gross when you have friends over.

Yeah, I was talking about that before the show. I was having a friend over, not that I was going to bang Brad or anything, but I had had Thai food like right before he came. And I knew I was atrocious. And that's when I break out the big guns. game and I knew I was atrocious and that's when I break out the big guns I uh it gave me confidence to approach my friend but unless I was burping at which point it doesn't come from your mouth and you're fucked um yeah I smart mouth can tackle the big jobs that's that's the takeaway there you want to swallow a shot of it for those burps uh Let me tell everyone about Dollar Shave Club. Don't do that. That's actually bad advice. Just switch it around.

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Ladies are going to be beating you off in two ways. We've got to lighten it up. Wording. Oh, actually, phrasing's good. Phrasing I meant to say, the archery thing. Check them out. All right. Do we have our guest here? I believe we do. Let me tell Chiz. Check him out. All right. Do we have our guest here? I believe we do.

Let me tell Chiz. All right. Our guest is coming. I've got some crazy background stuff to get done. We'll see if I suck or not. We'll see. So I guess everybody knows who the guest is because they've been watching and they see it's Mark Ellis. He just shows like...

Looks like he hung up on me. No. I'm not going to talk about what's going on on my end of Skype. That's not important. Oh, well, shoot. It's not in there. I'm going to pee real bad. Well bad well kyle you're gonna have to hold that p what are your p holding strategies oh i don't have any p holding strategies i just fucking go you gotta just pull over i i usually find a wide mouth bottle to keep in the car

oh if you pee really hard you can arc it out the window as you're driving, but the downside is that you can only get the first 50-60% of your pee out, because after that, pressure lowers to the point where you're just going to be peeing on the side of your car. That's absurd. That's not a good idea. You're going to piss all over your car. I mean, these are emergency scenarios. I would rather piss my pants than just piss all over the place. Piss your pants? Yeah, just piss your pants and then all the piss is in one than just piss all over the place. Yeah, just piss your pants and then all the piss is in one area rather than all over the place.

You're going to sit there in a fucking soupy mess of your own piss on the way somewhere? That sounds awesome. I'm going to pull the fuck over. There has to be a better topic. Oh, Mark Ellis is here. Hi there. Hey, Mark. We might have audio issues. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, your gain is crazy wicked high. You're blown out. Can you fix it? Let me try an adjustment on my end. Let's see if that is better. How's that? Is that better? That is better.

That is better. Look at that. Working magic here. I even figured out how to turn on the video on the Skype within 15 seconds of the request. So I'm doing some good work here. You're on point. a timing issue is the when I'm going to go take a leak during the movie. There's one time, and I'm not proud of it, but there's one time I was so engrossed in the film, I actually just, I had, I had drank a large soda, and you know how big the cups are at a movie theater. So I drank a large soda. I, something about what I, I, the way my body, I was in college, the way I contorted my

bodies, I had my knees up on the seat, and I put my shirt over the knees. I had the cup right there, and I just went. And I just went. Back into the cup from which it came. I've done that in cars, and if anything, less people are going to see you in a movie theater. The lights are off. Everybody's looking forward. You think more people see you in the car? Actually, you know what?

As a matter of fact, yeah, because in the car, if you're not driving a big SUV, people can look down into the car and see you. It's the same problem when you're trying to masturbate and drive, you know? Preaching to the choir, though. Like, trying to pee in the theater, though, it's also more considerate because you're not standing up and leaving in the middle of the theater. You're not standing up. Here's the issue

is that your pee is really loud, but you don't realize how loud your pee sounds until you're in a quiet movie theater. And the movie that I was too engrossed in to go out and go to the bathroom was The Sixth Sense. And so there's a lot of scary moments in there, but there's also a lot of quiet.

We're building suspense. So you're like a little... So you weren't trying to force out the pee at the loud bombing part of D-Day and saving Private Ryan, and then you pulled it back real quick when it gets silent and the guy's looking for his arm? And ever since then, Mark's been notifying his neighbors when he moves. That's a risk.

How are you? You know, doing good, man. How about you? I'm great, man. Everything's great. I'm here since I last hung out with you guys. I was on the road last time I was on the show, but this is our new-ish studio at Collider in downtown Burbank.

So this is the new place, and we've made ourselves quite a little home here. What is that behind you on the casting couch there? Are you a two-time champion of something? That's actually the belt you get if you pee in a movie. You've done it twice. Yeah. Yeah. And you can't fool me.

I know that couch, that black leather couch. I've done my research. That's right. These belts are the movie trivia schmodown. These are the championship for the tag team uh belts so we do this huge movie trivia show every friday sometimes it's individuals um you know one-on-one other times it's two-on-two these are the championship belts that i used to uh the schmoes used to own like we bought them but we don't own them anymore because we lost our championship match

to top 10 and they're going to be on the line again in a couple weeks. The showdown is spectacular, which is on December 23rd, so look out for that. How much do these belts cost? These belts cost entirely too much, and it was not my decision to purchase them. I thought so. We bought these little belts, because I'm not

a huge wrestling fan. I didn't grow up watching wrestling, but Christian, my partner in Schmoes, he loves wrestling, and we ordered these belts that were like a nice they're like 30 35 dollars and they looked okay online but when they arrived they were so tiny they're like the belt buckle was about as big as a cell phone and that just isn't gonna cut it like the fans are laughing at us and stuff online so he went eight shit and he got like 130 belts which those are two of them so it it cost the company pretty penny but i think it was worth it because they really do look good like like when i owned it i was like i'm i'm somebody just because i have yeah like i understand texas now

because they walk around with their huge belt buckles and i'm like you know what that does make you feel like you belong somewhere it does it's a good business sense it's got to spend money to make money that's that's right yeah i'm not sure every business should spend their money on belts but for ours it ended up paying off okay i have i had a substitute teacher in in uh in high school and he was a huge wrestling fan and he had a mullet and we all thought that was just hilarious and uh we acted like we thought was real cool we were always like yeah tell us about this and we all thought that was just hilarious. And we acted like we thought it was real cool. We were always like, yeah, tell us about this and tell us about that because he was always going on about it.

Because he traveled around and went to the events. And one day he let it slip that he had a championship belt. And I was like, oh, yeah, you should wear that next time. You should bring that in. And sure enough, next day at school, he's got this fucking belt. And his belt was one of these things one of these big like wwf champion belts that was like 500 or something like that it was so embarrassing i i can't think that that might be an interesting topic what are some things

that if you own them you are so embarrassed that you own them that you wouldn't tell anybody because normally when you buy something nice for yourself, you want to be like, you know, like the first thing I did when I bought this flashlight was, hey, look at this cool flashlight I bought. It's real bright. But what are some things that you have bought for yourself or maybe have been bought for you that you don't want people to know about?

The most embarrassing thing I've ever heard of was this helmet. You know, something you might keep for ages from Game of Thrones. Or no, Lord of the Rings. And little brother. See, i was about to say that the only thing i could think of was something that i was bragging about a couple episodes ago that i thought was dope when i was 15 or 16 i guess i was 16 i got for my birthday or christmas or something a full gigantic life-size like made of metal cast witch king helmet the witch king of agmar the witch king of agmar was so heavy that it was uncomfortable to wear and then my younger brother got into it when i was

in college and fucked it up and ruined it but um it's yeah that's something that i i wouldn't i tell you guys but i would i would never i would never uh bring that up in female company that's not my girlfriend because she she kind of thinks it's neat too which is probably why we're together it's kind of interesting because like it always seems to be some sort of like niche thing it's it's never like something you need to survive it's always like hey i'm super into this thing and people who don't get it just simply aren't going to get it first of all i would love to see a percentage on how many substitute teachers would consider themselves huge fans

of professional wrestling. 85%. You think those are very close Venn diagrams? A lot of middle space there. I guess the closest purchase to what you're talking about, because we're basically talking about the purchase equivalent

of when you're driving in a car by yourself and you're talking about, because we're basically talking about the purchase equivalent of when you're driving in a car by yourself and you're singing like the B-52s, Love Shack at the top of your lungs, and you have to roll the windows up so you don't want people to know it's you singing. But I was going to drop about $300 on eBay for a pair of vintage, which were not vintage, Eddie Van Hal halen replica convert shoes um because before they started marketing them themselves i you couldn't find them anywhere and i lost it i had

the 300 there and somebody outbid me at the last second uh the other thing i got is i was a huge sports cards fan uh growing up and now if you go on ebay like it's ridiculous how affordable those packs, unopened packs of cards from my youth were. Like 86 Dawnrust, 89 Upper Deck. I order wax boxes of these things and I give them out as gifts at Christmas. Really, they've lost all their value? They haven't lost all their value because there's always a chance, like 89 Fleer,

you might get the Bill Ripken fuck face card. But people just don't care about it anymore because the market got so oversaturated. And in the late 90s, every card was some sort of like hologram foil indented piece of crap. And it just didn't warrant the same collector's interest anymore. And that just, the bottom fell out of that thing entirely. Dude, so I've got a little story about that.

When I was like 15 or 16 i got totally into like buying those baseball cards like as an investment i thought i was some sort of wheeler dealer and my father was doing a parallel thing but with real estate anyway i did well and when i was 17 i made enough money to buy my first motorcycle by just liquidating my baseball card collection that is the most discipline i've ever heard because i've heard that tale often and it usually ends with how mine ends which is like i convinced my parents to let me have like 200 or something to invest in unopened magic the gathering cards and i never saw i still have them unopened in my closet back at my mom's place in Virginia. Wait, what edition are they?

Yeah. I love talking to you guys. The Magic 3rd Edition Revised box, on eBay, it fetches around $3,000 to $3,500. $3,000 to $3,500. So I'm a real novice here, but is there a possibility that it has one of those black Lotus cards in there that's worth $15,000? No, that's not 3rd Edition revised, I don't think. You are absolutely right.

That is not 3rd Edition. That was only in beta, alpha beta, and unlimited. But I did own a Black Lotus at one point, which would have been a solid investment to keep. But I have, like, I would estimate I probably have about $10,000 to $15,000 in magic cards sitting in the closet. But here's the thing dude I'm totally I'm kidding I just I'm jealous My sister's got $8 million worth of

beanie babies just so you know. We're going to cash them in one day. I have to do our podcast in a little bit. I will just let that thing sit by the wayside if we're talking dual lands for the next three hours. I'll talk about man i the hardest thing with magic oh no go ahead no i was just gonna say the question with any investment like that investment is when do you sell because i'm actually do want to sell them now and i want to hold out to see if the value

keeps going up because eventually it's just gonna you know because nobody nobody plays with those cards anymore they're just collector's items now like players have moved on to the more recent decks that's what the tournaments are doing so it really is a tough question like how long do i hold on to this before it's just not going to be as valuable anymore yeah and if you have like a to go into magic for a bit like i have a friend who's a fanatic like i have a lot of cards and i really like magic but he is dyed in the wool like he has the whole power nine all of it he loves it and it gets to the point where it's like if you want to play legacy which is like all the cards brought together from

the entire sea so it's not standard which is what uh mark was referring to which is what people do now competitively which is you just get the last bit of the cards they made the last couple sets with legacy you have every card ever printed which is basically just get the last bit of the cards they made, the last couple sets. With Legacy, you have every card ever printed, which is basically pay to win, because if I play against him with my bullshit Legacy deck, with what I can make, he has so much powerful shit that it's like, well, goddammit, like,

playing these games, it's not even fun for me, like, getting to use my little, like, token cards before they just get obliterated. Like, it's, it's, Magic, it almost is better in standard or in modern, I guess. I started moving to modern a bit more. Extended, I think, is what they used to call it. It was called

Extended when I played it more. I think it's the same thing. Magic would be another one. I'm glad you brought it up because that would have been my number two thing of things I don't bring up that I've spent a lot of money on. Magic and Lord of the Rings stuff. I've been on this podcast for about 10 minutes and uh we already brought up pro wrestling and magic the gathering hello ladies well all 11 of our female viewers are out there i'm sure they skipped past this point oh they

love this shit we have a very uh select group of female fans they're rubbing one out to this kind of talk they hear wwe and that's all they need dude see wwe i was almost like my first instinct with wwe is to lash out because i'm not into it and be like oh that's stupid for kids and then i realized like if somebody on the street came comes up to me and thinks like hey do you think radagast should have been mentioned a little more in the in the original lord of the rings series i'd be like dude you can't fucking imagine how much I'm on the same pages. I would talk to them about that, and the whole time in my head, I'm like, this is reasonable. This is what adults and people

do, but it's weird in my head to watch a couple of adult actors, which is what they are, jacked athletic actors, doing what they're doing. So, I don't know. It's just something I never got into. What pulled you into it, Mark? Check out my analytics. I just put them in the Skype call in terms of time watched

females make up 1.4% they are literally the 1% on this channel well at least 0.4% out of that 1% is lying so 1% for sure yeah you're right did you know that 1% of our audience controls 90%

of the sex? Or more. No, your fault. 90% of the consensual sex. Is that where we're headed on this? No, we're not a conclave of rapists, Kyle. I didn't say we were.

Just be specific. There could be some gay guys in there. Well, this one off the rails. No, I was talking about rape. No, it was rape. I was talking about rape. So Mark, you're a comedian. I wrote down two questions for a comedian. Sure. One,

so a lot of comedians know each other. They're at the thing. They're whatever. You see people hit it big, like the super big. Do you feel like the guys that hit it super big, is that direct related to their talent, to how funny they are? Or does it almost seem like random lightning strikes that are picking out from the crowd? I really think it's kind of a cop-out answer, but I think it's a little of both. I've definitely seen lightning strike. it's kind of a cop-out answer but i think it's a little of both i've definitely seen lightning strike but the question is like if you hit it super big time that means that you're not just

a flash in a pan like to hit it super big time you can get a great break and it's more so what you do with that break so like you can skyrocket but if you don't have the talent to sustain it or the discipline to maintain what's going on in your career then it's not going to last long so most people that you see that just had a you know so-called rocket to to being a huge megastar they generally have the chops and they they earned it i mean there's guys that i i just worked with a guy a couple weeks ago at a club for he man war and he is he's done a lot of late night shows and he's starting to be in movies and stuff like that and you watch him on stage and you can see why and he's grounded enough and he's been

doing it for long enough to where people are going to think he's an overnight sensation but he's really not uh same thing with gerard carmichael when i saw gerard carmichael um who has the car michael show on nbc and he's in the new Transformers movie, which good luck with that. I saw him when he was pretty much fresh off the bus from North Carolina. And the first time I saw him at the improv, I was like, that kid has something really, really special. So you do tend to notice it early on i think it's with the you know people who who get a movie or they get a you know half hour special they get a late night set earlier in their career you watch that and you're like okay that's cool let me see what you do with it now and for

all the people that are really big names most of them earned it most of them earned the hell out of it. It's interesting to hear their perspective from the huge guys too. Like I listened to Bill Burr's podcast quite a bit, the Monday Morning Podcast. And he seemed like one of those guys that like in the late 2000s was just like suddenly Bill Burr's here. Like just tearing it up, getting actual big specials. And if you listen to his podcast for a while, you hear him go through his thought process of like man like 2004 2005 whatever i'm 36 years old sitting on a futon like i feel like a loser like i think i need to give this up and like you just don't think about that when you look at him now and you're like oh just a millionaire making jokes you know you don't see

the whole horrible path that it took to get there and all the shit that he had to go through and i'm sure that's the same for louis and all the the big name guys yeah i was gonna say louis you know same exact situation like i mean you look at the all-time example is probably dangerfield because dangerfield was like in his mid-40s and he was still roofing houses and he decided he just could not keep this desire to do stand-up in him any longer and he went out and made a huge monster legendary career for himself uh sam kinnison was a preacher forever and he just decided i can't keep this in anymore so you have guys like that then you also have somebody like like chris rock is a great example of a guy who was literally on saturday night live he was a cast

member on snl and did not pop from that. I remember watching Bring the Pain on HBO, which was his first hour special on HBO. And I think it's the gold standard in comedy specials. To this day, I really do. But I remember watching that and thinking, this is the first time anybody's ever seen this guy. And it wasn't.

He was on Saturday Night Live. He was in a couple movies. And he's just – Murphy was Gumbies. It's just weird how people remember comics. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, you're right. Something interesting with the comic community, like most of the podcasts I listen to have to do with comedians

because usually they just do better podcasts because they're joking around and being entertaining. There seems to be – like if you listen to athletes talk about other athletes, there's usually a good bit of like, ah, fuck that guy, I'm better than him, I can beat him. It seems like within the comedian community, you cannot get a comedian to say anything critical of another comedian unless it's something over the top, like Joe Rogan saying, oh, Carlos Mencia, you're a joke thief. And everybody's like, yeah, you know what, he stole a lot of jokes, fuck that guy. Is that something that you've noticed where it's like,

a good example, like Jim Norton, great comedian, really funny guy on the radio. But you ask him about, like, hey, there's this new Bangladeshi comedian. He's done one set on a Saturday night. What do you think of him? You know, I think he's great. He's got a lot of potential. And it's like, well, why can't you be honest about it? Like, is that something you notice a little bit? I mean, I think a lot of potential. And it's like, well, why can't you be honest about it? Like, is that something you notice a little bit?

I mean, I think a lot of times we really are being honest. The one cardinal sin you cannot commit in stand-up is stealing jokes. And so once you go over that line, then there is no going back, and it is going to be a free-for-all. But I think people, especially in the age of social media where everything is documented and everything lives on in perpetuity forever regardless of where how you say it people are going to be a little more cautious and i think a lot of times with athletes that is that's actually a pro wrestling aspect of it you know like if you ask josh norman about odell beckham jr he might

talk some trash about him and say, oh, no, he's not even in my top five wide receivers. But they know they're great. They know it. I think with comics, it's that we've worked a lot with each other. We see each other night after night at clubs, and nobody else really gets that perspective of it. It's where you're hanging out.

You actually get to know the person a little bit. You get to see their set and how it develops. So I think there is a lot of respect in communities there's a few comics and i've been really lucky because i try to be as nice a guy as possible i think i come off that way and so i have an easy rapport with most comedians i mean with 98 of most comics i meet there's maybe two or three that i that i have an actual issue with and I don't need to bring their names up but you can if you desire I appreciate the forum

and I might talk to you in a week and be like hey I need to come back on the show but it's only one like comedy club managers and are notorious for you always hear these legendary stories of them being terrible people there's only one that i've come across and i'm like yeah not working with that dude anymore but

um everybody else has been a it's been a pretty great experience i mean there's people i don't want to hang out with necessarily but as far as respecting the craft of comedy once you get to the level where you're hanging out at the comedy store and going up every night or the factory, the improv, we all kind of have a, um, a respect for each other. I think. It makes sense that you'd have an attitude, at least with comedy that I hadn't considered fully before is like that, like a rising tide raises all the ships. Like if comedy as a whole gets bigger,

it's helping everyone in a way, or if say, you know, one of your good friends makes it big and he makes a movie, he'll be like, hey, Mark, I'm in this position now and you're a funny dude that I know, and so we're going to get you into this arena or something. So that does make sense. It would really pay off to be friends with Sandler back in the day. You can see these days.

He just puts you in every one of his movies and you all split a ton of money. And it helps you too, because if you were the guy that got huge and were headlining a movie, Mark, you could then kind of have that pool of all the funny people you know and be like, alright, yeah, this guy can act. No, that guy's just a stand-up.

He sucks dick. He can't pretend for shit. Now this guy's good. It makes sense when I think about it like that. And now the sports comparison doesn't make any fucking sense because obviously the St. Louis Blues aren't going to be like, you know, the Chicago Blackhawks have a great season. They need to keep it up.

We're looking for good games out there on the ice. We need to, you know, try to be competitive and give the fans a good time. Like, no, you don't want that in any other thing. But there is something because it just works differently in athletics because it is all based on competition. Like in its nature, art is not about competing. In athletics, it it is and so if there's more trash talk that's going to garner more interest like more people are going to tune

in to watch the Redskins Giants game if they know that Josh Norman and Odell Beckham are going to be going at each other like that gets ratings with stand-up it's like you it's unless you have the oddest of odd events where you have like Roggan and mincia on stage barking at each other at the same time you don't really get that but what's an interesting comparison with the sports analogy is that the comedy central roast battle has taken off and that style of humor has really become into somewhat of prominence in the last few years largely because people like watching the competition whether it's forced or not. It's an exciting thing to see.

Like, the roast battle started at the comedy store. I mean, I'm good friends with the guys who pioneered it, and it was cool to watch it start in the little room, the belly room, and watch it explode into this thing. It's like going back to what we were talking about with just comics having a skyrocket to success early. You can see a format like that, and you watch it, and you're like,

you know what, this is raw. It needs to be molded a little bit for TV, but once they get it, it's going to go up fast. Yeah, it makes sense. I've got the other question too. I first saw it on Shower Thoughts, I saw that on our own subreddit, linked it or something,

but the topic was this. They said that it's easier to add comedy to a situation than to kind of create it from out of nothing. And that's why your hilarious friend isn't a stand-up comic. And I saw that and I didn't quite agree. Like, I thought, you know, your hilarious friend is just a talent

pool who might ascend to the stand-up. What do you think? Is it... Is stand-up a different skill than being like the witty class clown? It totally is. I mean, if we're going back to the substitute teacher pro wrestling Venn diagram, there is definitely some sort of overlap. Which, by the way, the substitute teacher who loves pro wrestling has tried stand-up.

He just wants him to laugh at someone else for a change. He wants people to laugh with him not just for once just for once he just kept bombing so we needed an audience of 10 years he can tell to shut the hell up that story honestly it made me feel sad to think of this poor fucking guy who thought that like hey these kids i'm making a connection you know i'm a teacher now they like me they care about me hey they're taking interest in something I like. I know my interest is a little bit infantile and childlike, but I work with children, so of course they'll be drawn to it.

Oh, they want me to bring my belt in. This is great. It'll finally give me a chance to connect with Kyle, the little gay boy that sits in the back. And then he comes in and he shows his belt, and everybody mocks him. Like, that makes me sad. We didn't mock him to his face.

We acted like we liked his belt, but secretly we mocked him because even as 15-year-olds, we thought that was the stupid... We were like, we want a car and a sound system and some pussy. Like, that belt is the lamest thing ever, dude. Like, at 15?

This guy's like, you want the highway to pussy? Check out the belt. Given, like, those crazy, like, I'm 33 and these are all 15 year olds so they'll believe anything like yeah threesomes every weekend they all love wrestling. Yeah there was definitely a turning point there where we were sort of becoming young adults and our substitute teachers were adults but we were sort of on an even playing field it almost seemed like emotionally at times and some of those some of those substitute teachers really had a hard time i i still feel bad for so there was one guy who was like morbidly obese his name was dewey and we didn't make fun

of dewey's weight to his face but we sort of asked him what it was he was eating. And instead of mocking that, we were like, wow, that sounds tasty. What else do you eat? You know, just to sort of figure out what this guy was eating. And he was like, oh, I'll tell you what the best is. You go to Wendy's and you get the triple, but you ask for

extra bacon. They normally don't want to put bacon on the triple because they've got to put three different layers of it, but they will if you make a fuss. They'll do it. We're just like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Three quarters of a pound of beef plus the bacon and cheese. That sounds like a good idea. Can you repeat that slowly? Go make a scene at

Wendy's about not enough bacon. Okay, that guy's asking for it, though. You can't ask a morbidly obese guy, what are you eating now? And then he goes on a fun little traipse down wendy's road about all the things he lacks foresight right like if he doesn't see the add extra bacon to a triple is going to get him at mocked and i've never seen we never watched him and thought there's not enough bacon on his face right to his face because that's cruel um but but you know in the background after the bacon

which was also a also Wendy's product like you just never know with people like that how much they love bacon and Wendy's hamburgers they might just be like you know what I'm going to put together a powerpoint with more bacon on there we're going to come up with a cool name and now we have the Baconator which is celebrated all over the world as far as I'm

concerned yeah celebrated that was how Harley kind of started Epic Mealtime like the first food it that was the that that was how harley kind of started epic mealtime like the first food video that he did that really took off was him like eating a baconator and playing the terminator music he's like dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun and it's just him eating a baconator in his backyard you know that was really the guy in marketing that came up with the Baconator is on easy street right now. Because how hard could that have conceivably been to have been like, well, you know how people are always special ordering stuff to not get lettuce and tomatoes?

Let's just make a whole burger and it's got none of it. It's just meat and a lot of cheese, well, cheese-shaped flavoring and sauce and bacon. Not good bacon, not Hormel bacon, just thin little things. Like they take those competitions where they shave wood down, and it's like paper thin, and they're holding it out there

as they're training it forward, trying to get it. That's the way they cut that bacon off that side of pork to get it on the Baconator. You can see through it. They're like sunglasses. It's disgusting bacon. Don't ever get bacon from a fast food place. If you want a good burger,

you go to Five Guys anyway. That shit is delicious. See, I look at the inventor of the Baconator, like, yeah, he might have made a lot of money from that, but that puts so much pressure on him the next time he's pitching something. Like, he probably pulls up in a Porsche now, and he's got an executive spot, and everybody around the company, there's a buzz around the company that week because, hey, do you guys hear? Earl, the Baconator guy, is pitching his new now and he's got his spot and everybody around the company there's a buzz around the company that week because hey do you guys hear earl the baconator guy is pitching his new burger and he's just like okay guys you remember what i did with bacon we're gonna do that with peppercorns and it's just crickets oh no he's the baconator guy lost it that's true because they they really invested too much in in

peppercorn in a lot of these these places i mean red robin settle the fuck down with your peppercorn burgers you're relegating me to just the whiskey river barbecue burger because you've got peppercorn sprinkle all over everything else we're in the weeds so um we're talking about uh people you know coming up with these ideas for fast food places. It's kind of interesting you bring that up. It's kind of topical, I guess, with Trump picking Andrew Puzder, the CEO of Hardee's and Carl's Jr. as his labor secretary. Puzder opposes minimum wage hikes, pointing out the rise of automation and that robots don't take sick days. They don't do this stuff. You know, robots don't take sick days.

They don't do this stuff. And I think he's more for you growing within the company. He has this idea of these bottom tier jobs that are just to get you into the economy, not to support a family. He sort of looks at it that way, which we've talked about here a lot. That's the common sense approach of looking at it. behind those Hardee's slash Carl's Jr., depending if you're West or East Coast, commercials with the hot fucking chicks in the bikinis eating the burgers and just boobs and oil. He's that guy. This guy's a genius. Yeah.

Can we make him president? Yeah, almost. Be an upgrade. Get him as president and then... Can you imagine his cabinet, just awesome chicks, doing their various things? This is an incredibly hot chick in a bikini, but she's the Department of Education head, so she's got those flat hats on, whatever the fuck they're called.

That would be smart to make the press secretary, the guy who's the mouthpiece for the White House, that guy, make that a hot chick with huge tits so all the reporters are just very confused and the questions are more about her than the department of defense she's in a bikini with like a bandolier between her tits and like a rifle on her back or just like go the the seinfeld right route and appoint like a quiet talker and we'll go like you know there's like you know the press secretary is about to come out and address the unfolding situation in Aleppo. President Trump has been telling us a lot of things about what we need to be doing in Aleppo. And I think any questions? Madam Secretary, Madam Secretary, I'm going to ask about the combat situations on the moon right now.

We understand that the Russians have moved into the moon base one. I don't think Mr. Trump has said anything about that. I don't think I don't think that's correct. Will he send the space patrols in or not? No more questions. And if so, will he use our battery of orbital missiles? Some more questions, sir. Thank you so much.

No more questions. Bullshit! That would be... So many people would be upset. That would be hilarious if he just got out there and just like, you know, mumbling Mary starts giving all these terrible answers. Actually, no, people would be very upset. And then everything else is, no more questions.

I like his small business appointment. He picks Vince McMahon's wife, who I believe was helping with the business end of the WWE. I bet she is probably a huge part of that. She helped him build it. A $10 billion corporation, ground up. Sure, give her that position.

I like that she's from the private sector. Love that she's a woman, of course, and she's also close with Trump, so surely they'll be able to work together seamlessly. I like that pick a lot. Yeah, I like that pick a lot, too, especially because I heard about that pick right after I heard about Pruitt as the head of the APA, and I'm like,

anything that I hear next is going to be better than this decision. A guy who hates the EPA running the EPA? A climate change denier running the EPA? Why would that be a problem? That means Hummers are coming back. Get ready. Remember 2008? I think Hummers went out more stylistically

than anything else. No, they didn't. No. I remember when it happened. I remember it happening. I was working in Atlanta and I remember the moment it happened. When the Hummer went from a cool luxury item to a fool's errand. There was a razor thin

line between, you know, you see a guy in a Viper and you're like, ooh, nice. But you see a guy in a viper and you're like nice but you see a guy in a hummer and you're like dummy look at that dummy but he's got a little cock and he's a dummy because this thing's just bleeding your wallet dry every day for five bucks a gallon and it's getting like eight miles per gallon those huge freaking engines and they just had made them beefier and bigger and sport packages and off-road shit and it's starting to it started to go and look more like the actual h1 uh you know and then they're expanding to the h3 they're making the small one and now like nobody's got a fucking hummer i haven't seen one in so long either of us on the road like you see old honda

civics you see old like cadillacs and buicks and stuff like that. You don't even see it. Where did they go? The gas mileage doesn't improve with age. It went the same way as parachute pants and stuff like that. You went from really hip one day to just, what the fuck are you doing the next day? Yeah.

Hummers were cool though because they were expensive. They're not talking about H1s, like the cool ones. And yeah, like you said, Schwarzenegger have one and i had a guy at cisco that had one and you'd see it and you knew what was it a 60 75 000 car in my head like kyle was saying i just bundled it with all the other 60 70 000 cars like it it was cool like oh wow like this guy i'd look inside it like i'd peek in the windows and like windows just to see what it's like in there. And it only seated four, if I recall correctly. But there was so much elbow room.

Like, you could have put two people in between the cars nearly. It's made for bigger men than average men. It's made for the biggest of men. Well, it's made for men wearing 80-pound combat packs. Yeah. Well, the H1 definitely is. I've been in H1s before that don't have the doors and everything, and that's a cool

fucking vehicle. That's its own thing. I never thought the other ones were cool. Like, the H3, I thought was bull... Oh, that's a pussy wagon. It's built on the suburban frame. It's just a... Is it? I thought it was on a Dodge Neon chassis or something lame like that that it's not

impressive at all i thought that the h1 was cool and the same reason that like if someone is one of those doomsday preppers and they show you like here's my 60 000 rounds of ammunition for hunting the deer when everything's collapsed and here's all my canned food and all my water like it's cool in that way like man this guy's prepared for shit like this h1 whenever when the grid goes down this guy's gonna be driving over the center two lanes to escape the city like but it's not cool as in picking up your kid from school yeah he can get from like montana wyoming then he runs out of gas and he's like i don't know how to work a pump credit card thing ain't working in the apocalypse so i'm kind of screwed here i tried to switch like two weeks ago siphoning gas really sucks like i bet kyle's done it you siphon gas uh yeah well not to steal it he's doing some sort of farm activity i'm sure yeah well i have a paramotor

and i wanted to measure the gas tank like to look at it visually didn't have like indications as to how much fuel there was so the idea was to empty it put in like two liters market two liters market etc but you got to empty it first and oh my god it sucks so much to siphon that gas out no doesn't it have a uh like a plug you could take out like by the fuel filter or something just drain it that way no what i eventually did is disabled it and turned it up. Removed it from its little area where it belongs and held it upside down. But my plan A was just to siphon it. I had

some aquarium hose laying around or something and I suck on it. The fumes are awful. I don't know what I would do in a zombie situation. Fumes? Are you inhaling? How do you siphon gas? You suck with your mouth, not with your lungs. I had to pull a lot more gas than that.

You draw upon it succulently. You do it like a cigar, not a cigarette. I'm sure there's a technique, but it was hard, and I knew that. I'm like, all right. First, I'm like, just get a mouthful. A mouthful? You were so close to being featured on the darwin awards i'm just just dude you know ready just i'm still going on this huge flood of gasoline

immediately in your lungs so i i i took a mouthful and the uh the the gas did not even like exit the top of the tank like you couldn't tell that I had made any progress. And I had to suck this thing up like 18 inches before it'll do what a siphon does and get lower than the gas. And so it's like, well clearly just doing the cigar thing, I wasn't making any progress. And you couldn't even see what little progress

I hypothetically made. So I'm like, all right, I'm just going to take a deep inhale on this tube and see how it goes. And my lungs were filled with gas vapor. It was a problem for like 30 minutes. I'm outside like trying to replace gas vapor, which you can't breathe. My lungs are filled with something that humans have no use for. It wasn't like there was oxygen and stuff like working in there but i i it's a it's a very

peculiar and terrifying feeling when your lungs are full of something that is not oxygen right there's only one thing you're longing to be calling the hospital well i mean look there's a whole bunch of too much on you because nobody's a professional siphoner nobody's like oh i siphoned over 300 times like it's something you've done four times in your life if you do it a lot. Did you consider calling the hospital at any point during the third? Because everybody has an injury where it's like, hey, if this thing doesn't improve and in your head, you just have a clock and you're like, okay, I'm going to give this seven minutes to stop bleeding or else I'm calling the hospital. Did you consider calling a hospital or a paramedic at any time during that half hour? It was more like a doctor. I'm

like, huh, how permanent is this damage? Because it was only like 60 seconds or so before my lungs are working right if I don't breathe deeply. It's like, all right, all right. So I'm more or less getting oxygen into my red blood cells, but... Nope, not 100% yet. You know, like... You shouldn't siphon anymore. How much have I fucked up my lungs? But there definitely is a technique for it. And, like, there are people who are better at it than I am,

and I've seen them do it, and it's just... I've done it on jet skis. If you take a funnel and you stick it in there, and then you get a plunger and you plunge the funnel. I just made that up right now, but it'll probably work, right? I doubt it. No, because you lose the suction every time you... It would fall down.

And you have to keep a constant suction or the gas is just going to return to the bottom of the hose. Not if you have one of those gigantic plungers. You know when you go to someone's house and you see the normal plunger? You would need a plunger so big and a pump so big that in one... You got all that volume to come down the hose. You'd have to do it in one pump. If it takes two pumps, then between pumps, the gasoline will return to the bottom of the hose. Let me put this out there.

Imagine a straw that's 24 inches long. That's about how much you have to move it before you can do the rest. And if it were a car, it would be like four feet long. It would be the bottom of a gas tank. Just to suck through a crazy straw might be two sucks. You know, to do – Well, I put my thumb on the end between sucks. Like if I – or you lose it.

But to try to do – I think maybe you tried to do it all at once and that is a task. That's a bridge too far as they say. That's hard to do. But you sort of suck, suck, suck and pinch it off or put your thumb on it and then go some more. Because once it comes over the top and starts flowing down, you're good. Right. I've done it with the jet ski, but I was just really unsuccessful with the paramotor. I don't know what to tell you.

Well, I'm glad you didn't asphyxiate on gasoline. That would have been the most horrible way to die, paramotoring. Yeah, right? Of all the ways to die from a paramotor to suck in fuel. Yeah, yeah, Taylor, I think you, yeah, I've got one of these. You could, it doubles as a penis enlargement tool. That power plunger you've got there?

That's where my mind's going as well, is it's like, well, if you can suck gasoline out of a Hummer, maybe it can provide some sort of personal benefit. I was also thinking, if, like, for some reason we don't have this technology, and I think part of it is just pride,

where I'm sure that a lot of people who are siphoning gas could find something technological to help them with it, but I think part of it is just a pride thing. Like, no, I'm just going to use my mouth. You know?

I wanted to do it the redneck way because I know I've had fish tanks, and there's all sorts of different tools to help you drain water from a fish tank. I know these things exist. I think I saw a pump at like an AutoZone or something like that that's for this. But all I had was some aquarium tubing and ingenuity, and I thought I'd get it done. But it turns out I only had aquarium tubing.

Yeah. The ingenuity was woefully under the fire. I thought I had that, but it wasn't there. I bet you the most people died siphoning gas. I remember my dad telling me a story. I think he tried to siphon gas one time, but it was for a noble cause. But a lot of people were siphoning gas during the the gas crisis when jimmy carter was president and you could only get gas on like you know a certain number of days so people just go

around the cars and just siphon gas out of it because that was easier than having to wait for the right day to go get gas they would steal from other cars you're saying like yeah absolutely because otherwise if you're on like an odd number day or you can only get gas on a monday then not only are you going to have to make sure you have enough gas to get to Monday, then you have to wait in line with all the other Monday gassers for like an hour. So if you know how to siphon gas, just steal the other people's gas. That's the way some people handle things. Yeah. Just steal from others. But yeah, that's a skill that I've never practiced, but based on watching Home Alone, it can't be

that hard. Kevin McAllister knows how to siphon some gas. I just remembered how my dad siphons gas. This is the fucking trick. Well, he kind of does, but it's not a tool made for this. What you do, and it doesn't matter what you're getting the gas out of, whether it's a car or a gas

can, you put your tube down into the container, take a rag or something and get an airtight seal around the tube and the container's mouth. It doesn't have to be like a vacuum, but it needs to keep most of the pressure. Then you take an air hose, like an air tool that sprays. You insert pressure into the container, instantly siphons itself. I had another idea that might work. And Kyle, by the way, that sounds like it would totally work. That's a great idea. Here's mine. I didn't think of it at the time. What if you put a lot of tube into the gas, right? So now it's all filled up through the top. You put your thumb on it,

and then you pull it out. And you should be pulling out tube with gas in it to where it might siphon. Right? So you just sort of sink, I'll call it, three feet worth of tube in the gas. Let it all fill up. Hopefully that works. You put them in right. And then you can just pull out with your thumb on it and let it drain.

I see exactly what you're saying here. I'm wondering if the viscosity of gasoline differs enough from water to make that a problem. But I like the idea a lot, and I think it would work. Yeah. I see exactly what you're saying. It's like kids will take a straw, put it in their drink, put their thumb on the top, and then blow the drink at you because they're cunts. If the movie Die Hard with a Vengeance was six hours long, this would have been one of the challenges that Jeremy Irons had for John McClane and Samuel L. Jackson. Hello, Mr. McClane. I love that movie.

Do you remember the one with the briefcase? Do you remember what he had to do? He had to get exactly four gallons of water into the five-gallon jug. Yeah. A five-gallon jug and a three gallon jug and every time i watch the movie i almost get how they did it but it never told i've never told i got this one down you take your so you got your five gallon container on the scale there what you're going to do you fill up your three gallon container dump it into the five gallon container

fill it up all the way again dump it into the five gallon container you now have exactly one gallon remaining in this three gallon container. You empty out your five gallon scale can, we'll call it, pour that remaining one gallon into it. You now have acquired one gallon using a three gallon and a five gallon bucket. Now you just fill up the three again,

pour it in there. Three plus one is four. You've got four gallons of the five gallon thing. You put it on the scale and the bomb doesn't go off. In my world, the bomb already went off. Die Hard with a Vengeance. It's Samuel L. Jackson. I like that one a lot. Die Hard 2 is fucking horseshit.

You know what everybody would actually do under pressure is be like spilling a bunch of water at the top and being like, that looks about right. What's a gallon? This big? If we have a five gallon measuring couldn't we just fill it 80 and guesstimate it if you want to explode yes you could but if you want an exact you fill the three up twice and you're left with one yeah you had to

go if you were more than one ounce above or below then the bomb goes off zin the game is over mr mcclain stupid way to stop a bomb. Why would you give him the tools to do it? I'll tell you why. It's funny you ask. You might think, oh, what a stupid plot point. No. The whole thing is, he's taking up John McClane's time

so that he can't stop him from robbing the Fed or the World Trade Center. He's taking all the gold out of the basement. They're loading it up into the dump trucks, and he doesn't want McClane on that job, so he's running him all over the town. At one point, he's taking all the gold out of the basement they're loading it up into the dump trucks and he doesn't want mclean on that job so he's running him all over the town one point he's wearing this big sandwich board that says i hate niggers and he's in harlem and he's wearing his underwear and this sandwich board and he's just standing there scared shitless and that's how he like gets partnered up with sam jackson sam jackson comes and saves him from like the local guys that were about to fucking kill his ass and And so Jeremy Iron says, ah, you have entered yourself

into the game, Mr. Jackson. That's not his character name, of course. So he makes him partner up with John McClane and go through his bullshit of bombs in schools so that he can rob all the gold. That's a great movie. And he's torturing him because he's Hans Gruber's brother, which is

my favorite part of the movie, is when they're sitting in the van and there's an FBI guy all the way in the back and he's not saying anything and he finally perks up and he's brother, which is my favorite part of the movie, is when they're sitting in the van, and there's an FBI guy all the way in the back, and he's not saying anything, and he finally perks up, and he's like, the name Gruber mean anything to you, Mr. McClane? And in Mr. McClane's head, he remembers dropping Hans Gruber off the building, and what he says in the best John McClane ways, he's like,

rings a bell, yeah. Yeah, that guy I threw up the top of the Nakatomi Tower a few years back. Yeah, yeah, I did that. Okay, yeah, kind of. So good. Great movie. Second one is shit, though.

I love the second one, too. I love the second one, too. I'll tell you why, too. Because the last two Die Hard movies, we've gotten Bruce Willis in a bad action movie. We haven't gotten John McClane. Whatever you say about Die Hard 2, that's John McClane in the movie. It's not Bruce Willis trying a bad action movie. We haven't gotten John McClane. Whatever you say about Die Hard 2, that's John McClane in the movie. It's not Bruce Willis trying to be cool still.

It is the actual John McClane in an action movie, which I really appreciate. Yeah, I just think the plot stinks, and it's just a rehash of the first one. I just wish they'd written a better story. I like his acting. I like John McClane's character. I just don't like what he's doing in the second one. But the first one is just so killer, and the third one is great.

And then, like you said, afterwards, they start making him some sort of, like, you know, jumping motorcycles into helicopters and shit, as Michael Scott pointed out. It's just a superhero now. Yeah, it's not as fun. Let me do an ad. This feels like the time. All righty. The past few months, we've been working a lot with movement watches we love them you guys love them so I asked myself why do I

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ever again. 20%. That is a lot of percentage. That's one-fifth. I know my fractions. 20 hundreds. Which is not how you say that, but we'll just go with it. Point two. I skipped a simplifying day.

I never got that. I'm teaching my son and this is how you siphon gas kid yeah i hate doing this suck on this call oh wait i didn't like where that went he's sucking on a hose, not a... Yeah, that's what that guy told Cartman. That's right. Yeah. Remember, he needed the semen. I stopped watching South Park this season. I don't know. It felt like a job.

Keeping up with it. Like, oh, what are they going to do next? It doesn't have me anymore. It hasn't been a great season, in my opinion. I think that the way the election turned out really forced them to change the last third of the season. And it wasn't quite that funny to me. I haven't really enjoyed this season. And I'm sure this affected you as much as it did me.

They had like three black weeks, it seemed like, where either there was no episode or it was delayed or something. And I had a hard time staying stuck to the the narrative and so at this point like i don't care about the member berries i'm not even sure if we figured that all out i don't care about troll trace at all although it is kind of funny and i found out that that song that the troll trace employees are always singing ding dong dong didi do she long long she long long do it's like an actual finn, and you can look up the YouTube video of these fuckers in Finland wearing those silly hats, and doing a musical and singing that exact song. But yeah, it lost me.

Last season's was funnier, I guess, in the end. I just didn't care for any of the storylines and where they went, especially when you have Mr have mr garrison basically being uh donald trump and you have that to mess with i just wish they had really dug deep into the trump material because that just seems like maybe it's low-hanging fruit but man that tastes good yeah this seems like one of those seasons where it's like it might be the first one of the first south park seasons to watch just binge it after the entire season is done as opposed to waiting week to week to week

there but but it also feels like there's such an immediacy to needing to see these episodes of this season like as soon as they come out because they're so topical i think they get wrapped up in being so topical sometimes that you lose a little bit of the greatness that south park can be sure yeah uh and they've definitely shifted toward that. Maybe that has something to do with their success with Book of Mormon or their overall just like incredible wealth that they have now. Although, you know, three years ago they were incredibly wealthy, but they still made a great product.

So I don't know. Right. Yeah, it's hard for me to ever doubt them for too long. For sure. They're a bit like Trump in a way. They just win, win, win. Everything they've done has been a huge success. Huge. You know, look at their They just win, win, win. Everything they've done has been a huge success. Huge. Look at their movie.

Look at their Broadway show. Everything they do just makes a gazillion bucks. It's hard to count those guys out. And they had that weird kind of humor. And what I really love about Matt Stone and Trey Parker is they really stay right down the middle politically. Matt Stone and Trey Parker is they really stay right down the middle politically. For them, that doesn't mean laying off the left and laying off the right. It doesn't mean being fair and kind to everyone. It means fuck you and fuck you and fuck you too.

You got your independence. You can't make your mind up, you bitch. That's kind of their attitude about everything, whether it's religion or politics or some Instagram model. What is this about, this Instagram model being exposed? So Philly D lays it out there pretty well. You don't have to watch the whole thing. He probably covers it in the first three minutes. Sure, I like watching Philly D.

All right, so it's timestamped. Let's start at 17 seconds. Tell me when you guys are. What we do, Mark, is we just all queue up. What's a little backstory to it? You don't need it. I feel like every backstory I give is just going to repeat what he tells us. Yeah, Phil does as well.

You guys ready? At 17 seconds? Alright, ready, set, play. The first thing I want to talk about today is a story around Instagram models. When it comes to Instagram models, especially these smaller, don't have a very large following yet, Instagram models, people often wonder like, how are they in this amazing situation? Penthouse villas, private jets, yachts. It's very easy to assume, well, they're probably putting part of a very rich person into their mouths and or other stuff. Maybe they're doing it just for the really cool trip or they're doing it for promotion because they want to get bigger on

Instagram or they're getting paid. If you just take a peek at people like Dan Bilzerian's Instagram account, like, that guy has just launched women's careers because they were just there. Like, the world might not know about Lindsay Pellis if it wasn't for Dan. Well, separately from that, I learned today that there is a site called Tag the Sponsor that is dedicated to exposing Instagram models and the nasty stuff they will do. Recently, they had one of the biggest stories to blow up, and that was about model Elena Gonzalez. His live DMs were tagged, the sponsor is acting like

a multi-millionaire in Dubai. He's asking, you know, how much can I purchase? I want you to have sex with me. I want you to have a threesome. I want you to have a threesome with my 13-year-old virgin brother. And then it gets pretty raunchy, but then he convinces her to make a video

saying like what you are willing to do, saying that I just just I need this video To show that there is consent. Hi My name is Aliana Lozada Gonzalez and I'm listening We are having unprotected sex and I will let mr. Ali leave the rumors off my feet. I will also Fuck his virgin brother

Who is 13 years old? and I will let him lick my pussy and Fuck me, Anna To not the best look in the world to be videotaped saying that you would have sex with a 13 year old I don't even I wouldn't even say that jokingly just out of fear that someone would take that out of That joke was it still the 13 year old that was fucking here on Ali obviously this Followers have it how I mentioned all that because now there is a debate online. Is it wrong that this video? I don't know this because now there is a debate online.

Is it wrong that this video was released? That's the question people are saying. This video is essentially slut-shaming. At the same time, people are saying, well, it's not slut-shaming. It's the exposing of someone who's willing to commit a crime. This exposes prostitution and a deal being made to have sex with a minor. I've seen some of these people saying that this is the same as to catch a predator. And so I pass that question off to you. Do you think that it is wrong or it's right that this video was released? And what are your thoughts on it in general? I'd love to know. And from there, I want to share

some stuff I love today. We can stop there. Mark, did you say you have to go? Yeah, I gotta take off in a minute. After seeing that, it's like, I just need a nap and maybe some gas siphoning to get that. That's pretty crazy. Dude, so what was he passing off on to us i'm sure this custom made for us is this is it wrong to expose her private things are we like prostitution and you know i'm i'm a terrible person i'm awful but i'll i'll lay it out there you know the south park episode where the kid was having sex with the sexy teacher and everyone was like, nice.

Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay, okay. I get it. I get it.

The teacher was a pedophile, right? She's awful. She's hot. She's having sex with a kid. If the kid's a boy, come on. Right? It's a little less of a crime. It's a little less of a crime. He's a little less of a victim.

I know 14-year-old me would not have felt victimized at all. It would probably be something I brag about on this show every week. I would be called a pussy. Dude, every fucking week I'd be talking about it. I'd be like, Woody, I don't want to hear about your teenage sex talk anymore. It'd be right there with my lifeguard stories and paramotoring and all the other things I love to talk about constantly. I don't think I would feel like, oh, my God, it was so terrible.

This super hottie took advantage of me. If you could take my current brain and put it in 13-year-old me and then that same thing went down with the prostitute or whatever, and my, you know, oil king dad gets me a fucking prostitute or whatever, like, yeah, with my current brain in that body, I'd be able to understand it and fully get it and compartmentalize what needed to be compartmentalized, but I don't, like, I know it's, like, fine and everything,

like, I don't think it's as bad as a 33-year-old guy or whatever having sex with a 13-year-old girl. But it's still not like – that is a child. That's someone who doesn't understand the implications of what they're doing. You don't understand how that's going to mess up future relationships. If they do feel victimized, do they have the even ability to articulate themselves or get themselves out of that situation? Like it's just – it's not – it's still – you're having sex with a child that's fucked up. Here's my analogy on this is like okay let's pretend that like every kid loves distance running right you want to be you want to be a great distance runner okay so when you're 13 you don't

yet have the the ability to run extremely long distances yet your body just doesn't have that endurance built up when you're 30 you're able to do that that's when you're at your peak as a runner so you're saying if i can put my brain back into that 13 year old body it would tell the body that you can do it but your body would break down somewhere no i remember 13 i remember 13 that'd have been okay i would have given her anal and then i would have licked her pussy i remember anything else that we could have done because my brother is so fucking rich he flew this Instagram model in. Yeah, but what if it turned you into some deviant in the future or someone who couldn't handle relationships? Oh, we wouldn't want that to happen.

Oh, yeah. Okay, bad example. Super late puberty version of me at like 14 or I don't know, maybe even 15, but probably 14. I had this conversation in my head of trying to get a girl to have sex with me. And it was like, no, no, trust me. No, no, I'm a great candidate to have sex because I don't even cum yet. Like that was a selling point to me as a young teenager.

That's very, I mean, I wouldn't give myself, I'm going to say, I'm going to give myself the credibility of saying if I was 16, I think I could have handled everything. If I was 16, I could have handled everything. At 16, I had a pair of friends. They weren't close friends, but I sat next to them in class and talked to them sometimes. And I don't know what's true or what isn't true, but he said that he and his friend were regularly having sex with this woman who was like 34 or 35 when we were 16. They called themselves the gladiators.

For some reason, that was related in their heads to having sex with older women. If you are 16 years old, that goes in eternity. But they're slaying full-grown pussy. Yeah, and he was like, have you ever heard me say I'm out of here like a gladiator? That's in reference to my small little club of having – and I'm like, is she hot? And he's like, eh. He's willing. Yes, right.

I think that was her primary thing. Like she was willing. She was just like – At that age, hot isn't even like a factor you're thinking of as much as of as much as I just need a wet hole, honestly. That's all that I'm looking for. I'm 14. I'm about to explode. I mean, at 14, maybe I would be able to handle it. I'm going to watch that again.

13 seems young. I mean, I hate to jump off the broadcast at this point with you boys because we're really getting into some good stuff, but I have to do my live show, stuff. I'm going to do my live show and so I'm going to do what I do before every live show and that is rub one out to my 8th grade French teacher. I would have been

just fine sticking with. Where can everybody find you, Mark? You guys can follow me on Twitter at Mark Ellis live and hopefully when I'm back up at the Sacramento Punchline next year more people can come back and make it to the show we actually had a great great crowd but

you know I'm waiting on one of you guys to make it too so you guys are always a lot of fun man I'd love to come back soon and I really appreciate what you guys do so thanks so much for including me for sure man anytime thanks for coming on peace later buddy

I'm looking at this thing more I'm trying to see like I'm seeing Thanks for coming. For sure, man. Anytime. Thanks for coming on. Peace. All right. Later, buddy. So, yeah, I'm looking at this thing more. I'm trying to see, like, I'm seeing, like, I'll link you. Let me do that. It's an insider article, and they're, like, screenshots, I think, of their DMs and stuff. So maybe that's a little, that's the stuff that I like. That's what really tickles me. How can I please you? I can gift you $20, 20 000 each any fetishes you won't do just don't i

i don't try them and make you uncomfortable just not the live salmon the live salmon wait i don't mind however better for you is your sister okay i don't even know what this what they're talking about this may be a different. There's a bunch of screenshots down at the bottom, too, of all their texts. Yeah, I see that. Hello, my beautiful. This is great. Can we go over the details now for your trip? Hi.

Okay, perfect. Oh, that one's not interesting. That's just planning. I love that. I guess the more interesting parts were that this guy wants her to fuck his 13-year-old virgin brother while he's there, and he wanted to make sure that he was going to get the anal and be able to lick the pussy.

And it's unprotected sex. He was very specific about that. I'm wondering how much money this cost. Like, you know, not the brother or anything. Is that it? Is it because it costs $40,000? And the trip? $20,000 each, and they said, I like this price.

Wow, that's pretty outrageous. If he's paying $40,000 plus the expense of bringing her there and entertaining her, seems like you could... Helps that it's all fake. Right? Is this all fake? Well, it's from a website that's devoted to exposing instagram whores right so i'm guessing the person behind it is kind of catfishing her

yeah i suppose your front seat to showbiz so it seems like a tmz kind of thing right yeah i'm wondering though like this clearly this goes on like this it wasn't like it didn't seem like this was the first time she'd been Propositioned and the whole point of Philly D's thing is like you ever wonder how these girls are getting access to yachts and private planes And stuff and so I think that's what they're showing here Is that there's these super hot chicks that'll fly there and do stuff for you for certain amounts of money I wonder though like Philly D maybe painted all these Instagram whores with a fairly broad brush, like I just did. And maybe a lot of them go there, like people are like, hey, do you want to go for a ride on my boat with me? In hopes that, like, when she gets there, they'll be charming and it'll work out and they'll get laid.

And not so much arranging for unprotected sex with video. I like that. That's pretty great. She was down. She seemed like she'd be a lot of fun like she was like yeah the animal yeah get that in uh the unprotected sex yeah sure sure sure whatever dubai jet yacht okay all right yeah let's do this real business woman there but i think you can go to like an actual prostitute and find some like smoking hot actual prostitute for like $2,000. In Saudi Arabia?

Oh, in Saudi Arabia for like $800 probably, right? No, not in Saudi Arabia. I don't know what the prostitute market is like in Saudi Arabia, but I think here in the good old U.S. of A, you could find yourself an absolute 10 for a couple thousand dollars a night. Are you familiar with the website 419 Eater? No. No. No. What is it?

So 419 apparently means Nigeria somehow. Maybe it's their area code or something. And you guys, of course, are familiar with the Nigerian letters, the spam that you might get that say, hey, I'm this prince. If you would just hold my $6 million, we'll split it on the other side, pay a $500 transfer fee up front, and that'll be it. Anyway, there's people whose hobby is to expose these Nigerian scammers.

And the ultimate thing I think is, I might have this wrong, I think they want them to pose with a fish on their head, or a fish in the picture, and that's the best thing they can do, but they get them to do all kinds of embarrassing things like hey just so that i know this isn't some stock photograph you grabbed off the web would you take a picture of you know of yourself with the shoe on your head and a fish in your hand and a sign that says like you know whatever i licked the i asked the girl to do that one time you know

what she told me she didn't own any shoes i don't think that was a real girl it was not i was like yeah you're a fucking liar there's not a girl on the planet that doesn't own any shoes like this right here i see one of the pictures where they clearly like what he was saying be like oh yeah we're gonna we're all in for your thing just just to make sure you're real send a picture of yourself holding a fish or with a shoe on your head and this guy is holding a sign that says he's got a big smile and he's pointing at it yeah and it just says mr o-b-l ivius pone.ed sign steven cumalo and this guy's smiling like i got him it's just it's the it's the top one on uh the left or the second to top one on the left column. It's hilarious.

I see it. Yeah, yeah. Mr. O-B-L-O-B-I-O-S. Mr. Oblivious. Designation Pwned. That's good. Yeah. That's good.

When I saw this girl and they had got her to make a video saying she was willing to do all this stuff i was like ah this is like 419 eater you know they they managed to get her to to be an idiot and what did he say it was to prove that she was doing all this consensually right that's to me she was scammed. Yeah. So I think that's what went on. Oh my god. I can't tell which ones of these are real and which ones aren't. Because there's no way that all of these people

are just writing these ridiculous things on pieces of paper and holding them up. Coke rules. It's just what this one says. I wanted to see like because that if that woman is really charging 40 grand each like like that was her idea of of yeah this sounds about right i have to go to the cat house here and see like what actual prices would would be the cat

house is that the new back pages no it's the it's it's the um you know the whorehouse in nevada okay this guy there's a bunch of i'm actually on the mustang ranch right now this guy wrote i practice bestiality on a piece of paper and it's taped to his chest he's standing next to a goat and he has a white piece of paper in front of his face looking through the eye holes like it looks like a clansman almost but i see that any sense it's the one second's the second column you can see in the thumbnail. Yep, top right. This is... That one looked Photoshopped to me, though.

It's why I wasn't excited about it. All of these look Photoshopped to me. Okay. What is this? What are we looking at here? 419 Eater. It was a really big deal in, like, 2004. Back when people fell for nigerian scams that looks like this looks like a 2004 website yeah it does yeah i'm with you entirely it doesn't feel like that like 2004 doesn't seem like super

super long ago but it's like when you look at internet pages from back then it's like a it's mind-blowingly different when you see like those stupid like remember when like stars and moons and like active things were always blinking and flickering under construction signs with the shovel i've actually put one of those on a web page professionally back when it was not a total embarrassment in like 99 you went in there and you were like, alright, it is under construction, I will add the under construction. I want people to know that this is going to get better. They should hold out hope and keep their expectations high because someday this website will be done.

That's really funny. Now I go through all the phases right like the left hand navigation i actually liked that one as a nice way to navigate that seems mostly gone now now the current trend it seems is real like lots of white like judicious use of white space and big spacing and it's not what i like you know i'm like cram that shit down I read it as awful as it kind of looks is a really good to her light but it's usable like I really see all the topics there's a lot of information on the page at the same time if they took races and like spread it out and so that maybe six pages or six topics fit on a

page it would suck Kyle's it too expensive at the cat house they don't have any prices left on here I was just looking at this girl's pictures and I don't know it was just not a good angle for her when it be illegal if they put prices that's porn don't click that don't show that to the people okay thank you for that yeah it snapped in me and like instantly i was like wait i was just looking at titties but they're oh i see is the one that's a bad angle when she's doing this her boobs look uh bad like there's some loose skin there um they look um uh they don't look firm the way she's lying um yeah and she has an inverted nipple i think no i didn't i didn't catch catch i didn't do a real exam here let me go back i wish i could oh wait i can help you

picture number six yeah yeah that might be an inverted nipple or a boob job because with a boob job they cut the nipple off and replace it somewhere so if that's something weird might have happened there could wonder if that's why her boobs are like she doesn't look old enough to be saggy like that they look real though like like like saggy fake boobs look different than saggy real boobs it just does a whole different thing here's's my theory. The implants were removed. Like, something went wrong, and now she's post-boob job. My theory is this is a tactically

placed left arm hiding a C-section scar. Well, if you want to see the full lineup here, that's this link. And I was just looking, like, I don't see a lot of 10s in the mix, but I think they have, like, special weeks where porn stars come in, and maybe you could get one of those tens don't actually have to be prostitutes they just

go fuck one guy who with a lot of money usually well the ivanka strategy the well she doesn't even have to have that strategy because she's already got money yeah but um yeah this this uh the ivana strategy the milani strategy take your pick really yeah really any of these and he said that they were saying today that um ivanka the daughter right is is going to fulfill the role of first lady she's going to be uh doing that job like all those uh all that hosting and all that social stuff and policy stuff. They're going to let her do that. You know what? I don't have any objections to that.

I love it. She seems capable and smart. Yeah, she's hot. You want to see her nipple? Well, okay, yeah, you know that I do. But, yeah, my initial thing was like, what? That's sick. Actually, no.

It's a job that gets done, and I think she'd be good at it, you know, based on what little I know of her. My mind is open. I don't like his EPA choice. He has a climate denier in charge of the EPA. That's ridiculous. Sorry, that's a bit low quality. I'll keep looking.

I feel like walking into this place would be really depressing like it wouldn't be at all as upbeat as this website would have you believe on the bunny ranch like i feel like it would not um i think it's the opposite so all right so first of all i think because you and i are a little smarter than the average bear we would the whole facade they put fbe in there sometimes describing their skills it'll be like oh i get great blow jobs really fantastic anal and a wonderful fbe that's the full boyfriend experience that's where they pretend like they're your boyfriend and they love you and i think that you and i would both be like this just makes me feel dirty you're a a bad actress. Just suck my dick. Let's just keep this a business transaction.

I don't like the way this feels. It feels dirty. It feels like you're insulting my intelligence and I'm insulting your intelligence by playing along. It feels like we're both playing make-believe but neither one of us want to. It's the same way. It would feel the same as if it's like if I go up to a little

like one of my nephews i guess was at uh not a nephew some cousin little cousin was at a thanksgiving thing and i was just i was down like really playing with them like oh you like this toy i wonder what's gonna happen if it gets grabbed by this toy oh oh it's gonna go away and you like patronize them a little bit that's exactly what the full boyfriend experience is she's going oh you're so great oh man i love your dick i love oh i also love how you're so kind to me and friendly and we just have the best relationship and yeah just grab a rug right in the jar um wait can you just snuggle for just a couple more minutes before you head off to work sweet oh your time's up 20 more minutes

you know they say that i've heard them say that some guys just want to cuddle for like long periods of time and stuff it's a real sad thing, the whorehouse. And that's why prostitution should be legal. We think that, yeah, I bet it's a bunch of dirty old men going in there and just railing young girls and they hate it. That's not the case. That's not what's happening. You have a lot of real lonely, sad people who are going there for some emotional contact. And there may be sex, but to them, 80-90 percent of those guys going in there are really looking for love and for physical

touch and physical comfort and physical love and it gets lost in the dirty jizz and tits of it all because that's what guys have to do to cover up their deep down painful feelings that they're not allowed to express necessarily so they're just going in there looking for some some some medication you know they marijuana is now looked at as a medication someday someday I guarantee express necessarily. So they're just going in there looking for some medication. Marijuana is now looked at as a medication. Someday, someday, I guarantee you in this fine country, there will be medicinal pussy. It'll be prescribed to you by your doctor, and Trumpcare will cover it, I guarantee you. Trumpcare. Trumpcare. It's pre-existing conditions. If you're 26,

you get to get on your parents' policy and pussy. All right? That's the new foundation of our health care system right there. Pre-existing conditions, 26-year-olds are covered, and pussy. It only covers horniness, male or female, ages 0 to 100, but that's it. It's only prostitutes that Trumpcare covers. All the rest is buy your own fucking insurance. It's not my job to get you any fucking insurance. I'll get you laid.

You know, I'll get you laid. I'll be the president that helps get you laid if that's what needs to happen and i'm not going to be the one who puts the bill for you to eat your fucking ass off with a bunch of fat foods drink your diet coke and then expect the american people to be behind you that's not going to happen i will get you laid thank you that kind of shit i like that trump's gonna lecture us on obesity. It's great. Yeah, exactly. He would lecture the American people. Part of me really wants to go fuck one of these whores, and part of me is like, ah, that's so gross.

And not because you're fucking someone that's fucked a bunch of different people. It just feels like the fakeness of it really is a huge turnoff, and that's the part that feels dirty to me. The fake emotional part of it, or the acting on her part, where she's pretending like

she cares about you or there's something intrinsically about you that has taken her by surprise. Oh, normally the men who pay to fuck me, they're just real boars, but wow, you're really interesting and funny. Yeah, yeah, you're so smart and funny. Yeah. No, you say that to every one of the guys who pays you to

fuck you. Shut up. You're making me mad. Now I'm not going to fuck you. I had a similar thought process about the military, like boot camp, right? So boot camp, and I'm sure I'm going to insult a whole bunch of people here. But anyway, so boot camp, what they do is they bring in lots of people from desperate parts of the country and life and what have you. And then they break them down. They break them down. They tell them they're bad people.

They shave them. They dress them the same. They take away their individuality. And then they break them down. They break them down, they tell them they're bad people, they shave them, they dress them the same, they take away their individuality, and then they build them up. They build them up into hopefully a better version of what they were before with the military slant. Suddenly a lot of the pride they take is how well they're doing in this new role, new task that they had, and it's more important than anything they've done before, etc. I had, at least when I was young I used to think this,

I was like, I bet I'm too smart to fall for that. You know, I could see exactly what they're doing, why they're shaving my hair, why they're dressing me the same, why they tell me that I'm terrible, then suddenly they start giving me awards for everything that I do. Like this is just their tactic for rebuilding me

in the mold that they want me to fit. And I would see right through it. And somehow when you said like, oh, if I would just be a prostitute who said that I was cool or good looking or whatever then I would see right through that I think the camaraderie of the military really makes you feel and believe all

that stuff that you said before because you've got your guys that you're there with and you're all in the same boat together and you've got the same problems you've got the same obstacles and the only way you're going to achieve them is by working together and I guess that's They're trying to make you a more of a military Component just as much as that tanker that rifle is you need to do what you're supposed to do

And I think that they put you in a position that that Melds you into what they want you to do whether you like it or not because you may think to yourself Well, this is what they want But but then you're like it's also what I need, you know if I'm gonna make it through this So I think it's I think it's two-part but i i agree completely you know in the camaraderie and stuff and it seems like that is not only like what they want but even the right thing to do like you're a better person and a better soldier if you're you know bonded with the core of the core yeah yeah when i went to college there was a guy who was getting his degree,

but he had already done his four years. And he was pledging a frat. And he's like, yeah, you know, this is kind of like boot camp light. You know, they put you in a bad situation. And, you know, you're with all your buddies. And you're like, yeah, you know, this really sucks. Like, you know, I can't wait to get through. I think it's rushing is when they get the people. Pledging is when you're going.

I can't wait to get through their pledge period i forget what it's called hell week and uh uh he's like but the you know in the marines i think that's what he was he's like we did this like times 100 you know it was just a much more extreme like version of like hazing so uh but yeah i've often thought like i wonder how i don't know i'm sure i'd be like everybody else i'm not that specialist snowflake but although i've heard the girls on the stern show the actual prostitutes from that specific whorehouse they'll be on the stern show as guests and obviously they're getting their work plugged and not literally not not physically um i guess it goes both ways the literal meaning but uh you know they're promoting their porn work they're

promoting that they're there at this cat house if you want to come fuck them. All the things that they do. And in exchange, they're there for a contest. Now, my favorite contest was, I think it was Dirty Grandpa. They may have even been doing it to promote the Johnny Knoxville movie, Dirty Grandpa. What happened was they get three grandpas in there who haven't been laid since like Eisenhower or something like that, like 20, 30 years. They each tell their individual stories about, you know, what happened in their lives and why they haven't been laid in so long. And in many cases, it's like, ah, I fought in WW2. And then my wife, Carol, was the

only woman I was ever with, except for a couple of times. Howard gets it out of this guy that he cheated on his wife 50 years ago. He's like, but, you know, I haven't been with anyone since then. He's like, well, what do you think of this lady right here? He's like, oh, I think she's real nice. Because it's just like these 22-year-old perfect women in front of these 70-year-old guys.

Well, they finally pick the guy who wins. They're like, you and your son are going out to Vegas because the grandson or the son put him up for this if I remember correctly. It may have even been a granddaughter. But long story short, he wins. He gets to Vegas. And before he's going to go to fuck the lady, he's like, I want me a steak dinner before this fucking commences. And he choked on the steak and died.

Why would you eat a big steak dinner before your first fuck in half a century? He wanted some power. He wanted to really put something behind him. I really feel like I don't have an objection with that. No, I'm saying you don't because you're not 75 years old. I don't feel like that. I feel like you've really got to be

walking on eggshells all the time. A little bit of kale and wheatgrass before that fuck. To me, let's say I do something I enjoy. I'm going to play ice hockey, I have a steak dinner, and I get laid. That's a hat trick of a day. We do. If you're 75, that's dancing on death's door, hoping he doesn't answer. You're mocking the devil at that point, flipping him off through those little narrow misshapen windows that people have for decoration on the side of their door.

That's what you're doing. You've got to be careful so i think uh yeah honestly who in god's green earth would not get laid for half a century get to where you're going to get laid and then go i'm a little hungry first well that's he didn't deserve it because if he wanted he would have soared in there and got it you know he could have had a couple crackers on the plane. You're fine. I don't know. There's something about prostitution that's so dirty, though.

And it's definitely not the pay for sex. It's not that part. That part doesn't gross me out. It doesn't gross me out at all. That seems like a real nice business transaction. Is it how many partners she's had? No, I don't care about that either. It's more about the fake emotional thing.

It's that there's no emotion there that's legitimate. And if we ever pretend that there is any legitimate emotion there, then it's like, man, this is just a big lie that I'm seeing straight through right now. I want to be able to suspend my disbelief so that i can enjoy an alien versus predator movie i also want to be able to suspend my disbelief or at least or know that the person wants to fuck me i don't want her to not fuck me like like so you know we joke about rape all the time but the idea of rape is so repugnant to me like i wouldn't want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me it's the it's the it's the least sexual thing that i can think of, you know?

So in this instance, I'm like, man, I would have to find a whore who likes me, and then the only way I would know she likes me is she'd have to give me a discount. I think then I could have a good time. So I think maybe that's a good ploy. If you're a hooker out there, I know we only have 1% female viewership,

but maybe 1% of those females are prostitutes. I think that would be a good... You could run through a whole pretty woman thing. Yeah, that would make me... I think that's how you would fool someone like me. You'd have to start off with being cold and everything and name your price, but then after 20 minutes of us being around

you'd be like, you know what? Make it $750 instead of $1,000. I like you. If we have 100,000 views, 1% of 1% is one prostitute watching this show. There has to be at least one. Looking for you. Yeah, you out there. Give a brother a discount if you actually like fucking him. We've got a couple of porn stars that watch.

We need a picture of Kyleyle like one of the photoshoppers like him and that uh you know we want you uncle sam kind of outfit but we wanted to say we want you to fuck me for money you know or something like that so get on a fair fucking wage for a fair price that's like those bangladeshi hoes you're saying like i i totally agree with you that it's gross but it's not just the emotional thing that i don't like it's like what you said the physical thing is gross too because the entire time you know this would have never happened if i didn't pay the fucking till on my way in like if i didn't stop at the cashier and go, yes, I'm going to be deep dicking the lady in number three for 25, call it 15 minutes. Got a meeting at two or whatever the fuck these people are doing there.

And like just knowing that the other person isn't into it at all is uncomfortable. I have a different view. It's more of a downer than an upper. It's more of like, oh, this sucks. Then I'm enjoying this if they're not into it as well. It's better to have no sex than that kind of sex. I don't know. You never know.

I say that now, but I'm not. The other thing is, the longer it's been since you've had sex, the less gross and unappealing all that stuff we just talked about is. Totally true. We're all people getting regular sex right now. Although I've been in positions where I haven't been getting regular sex. And I suppose a prostitute would seem just fine in those moments. So I guess it's all relative, you know. So I want to jump in on this.

In my, you guys, okay. So in a relationship sex, being wanted is like the sexiest thing that a girl can do, right? You know, the idea that she's hot for me is a huge turn on. However, like a hypothetical prostitute sex, I feel like the whole point there is you're paying for her to leave, right? The old Charlie Sheen thing, right?

I'm not paying for sex. I can get sex. I'm paying for her to leave. I feel like you go into that knowing it's just a service that she's performing. And the yuckiest thing for me is the fact that this is a woman who's been around the block.

That's not my cup of tea. If I know that she's had 7,000 partners before me, then I'm not... Well, 7,000 is a lot. She's a pro. How many is too many? I'm not sure. But the thought on that was like, I don't know.

It's like I'm not going here for her to love me. I'm going for her to expertly get me off, and that's what we're doing here. And we both know what the score is before it started. I don't want that either. They're trying to get cheap on you. I did hear Jim Norton talk about that he's like they put that vibrator on my ass while I'm fucking her

and I can't go four minutes he is the most degenerate person when he talks about his sex in that like he regularly just refers to himself like or he used to I don't know if he does it as much but he'd be like yeah I just last night I went home after doing the show and I was just you know edging for like seven hours and it's like it's like that's what he does he just goes home and he

just masturbates and edges for hours and then he was expressing his discontent when he's like and you know when you're trying to jack off and like you almost like pre shoot it and then it almost goes back in and so the load you're gonna shoot isn't as good as the one you were anticipating and then the whole process is ruined you'd like to start over and it was like it was like looking into a peephole of like that's what like true sex addiction must be like like this guy can't stop i can relate to some of that stuff but but but the stuff that's ridiculous is when he talks about like how much Craigslist stuff he does and how many four-handed massages. That's when you've got two chicks to give you a rubdown.

He told this story about ordering himself up a four-handed massage on the old Craigslist, and these two ladies are giving him the massage. these two ladies are giving him the massage and he didn't realize it until like it was over but he recognizes one of these chicks as like she works on a show that he's also working on he said so so he thinks she recognized him at the beginning of the massage and was like no sex to her buddy like oh no no happy in it because he because we get to the end and he's like that's it and they're like yep that's it and he's like fuck like's it? And they're like, yep, that's it. And he's like, fuck! I'm like, what the hell? You know, you just paid $80 for some four-handed massage and there's no happy ending at the end. He talked about how to tell us.

That's about what a massage costs, I think. And that's a regular massage. Well, a massage when you go into a reputable establishment, not when two chicks show up at a hotel room and rub you down on the couch. I don't know. Jackie and I went to massage like is i think i've talked about this before but she was like we should get massages and i'm like you know what that that does sound kind of cool like i guess i'm kind of down and i thought about it and i was like i really want my masseuse to be a chick and i really want your masseuse to be a chick as well like that that makes me more comfortable with this whole situation and she was okay with that and i think it was 65 each we went to this place and they had like everybody is

more comfortable being touched by female strangers i don't know i so so i had a massage by a woman um and and her hands were so strong that i just didn't feel like i could use any more strength like i so so i'm gonna double back on where I was about to go. I was about to say that maybe a man has more strength in his hands. He could give you a more proper massage. But I've had two ladies massage me that were each too strong. I had to tell both of them, like, the one lady was like, you've got a lot of, I don't know what she said, something about the back of my neck.

There was a lot of something built up. She's like, I'm going to have to break that up and and she's like it's gonna it's gonna be painful and uh she's like do you want me to go and i was like yeah do it and she's just fucking like we're and it was incredibly painful and if she'd been any stronger i'd be paralyzed i and i don't russian masseuse at a strip club once who she was completely clothed in like a night and like an evening gown like completely classy but and she was a professional masseuse in the strip club and uh she would for like 10 bucks a half hour maybe she would rub your shoulders i don't remember maybe 20 bucks a half hour could have been that or maybe it's 15 minutes for like 20 that that sounds more right probably

20 bucks for 15 minutes plus tip um and that was great because you're like looking at the actual naked lady who's dancing. Which really puts a strain on your neck after a while. And then you had Olga, the Russian masseuse behind you, like working out all those kinks. In the dot-com age, back when engineers were like crazy valued, Cisco would bring in masseuses and like massage us. And then, you know, we'd just go back to work. I did it one time. One time. How great is it?

I wish I could be valued like that again someday. You are so incredible. How do we get you to stay here? Massages, ping pong tables, whatever the fuck it takes. Anyway, the trouble was the after effect like you'd have you'd be and you'd be like oh this is so nice the last thing in the world i want to do is return to a cube like it just made it was like oh my fucking like oh i thought you were getting a massage while you typed away like you're in the cube and there's a guy putting his elbows in she had a professional

massage table or chair your pick i chose chair and uh and you just lean over with this like you know horseshoe shaped thing that held your forehead and she'd massage you and then you go back to work and it'd just be like that i'm so happy and relaxed i don't really feel like work and what was i doing again that was the impact it had on me. Remember when Jerry Seinfeld had the girlfriend who was a masseuse and she wouldn't rub his back? I remember that. He's like, I got a little something right here. He'd put her hand

on his shoulder and she'd just go about what she was doing. That was good. That's good to show her. Seinfeld applies to everything. Have you seen the modern Seinfeld things? They're pretty funny I mine was in a collection of images and it would just like sort of lay out like the new problems

like you know modern things like uh oh yeah I saw one Jerry has a girlfriend and her wi-fi picks up on Newman's like thing and now he wonders about her past like that would be a modern seinfeld episode oh yeah yeah or one like uh like george signs up for grinder thinking that it's tinder and is having no luck or like it's the one i saw was just like tweets saying what new episodes would be it's funny because anything could be it's unlimited material because anything could be a seinfeld episode kramer's dating a transsexual and doesn't know it. And it's his old friend Bob Sacramento. No, my good

friend Bob Sacramento told me. Oh, that's funny. George is pissed when he shows his GF a funny pic on his phone and she begins swiping through his photos. George, you can't swipe! Kramer rents out

his apartment every night on Airbnb and lives in the hallway. I'm making cash hand over fist, Jerry. You're homeless! Elaine's autocorrect makes her look racist in front of her new boss. Why would they even program that in I'm sure they didn't

Jerry replies Elaine is furious when her co-worker calls her basic Jerry that's ridiculous Elaine thank you Jerry if anything you're too complicated that's a fucking terrible 90s joke oh these are good I'm not going to read all of them though

I like this one after her fuck buddy texts her that she should come over to watch Netflix, Elaine is pissed when he actually wants to watch Netflix. That'd be funny. She's always complaining about the long things they've watched. George rejects a Tinder girl when all her photos feature multiple girls.

Elaine, what if she's the pretty one? Oh, I love that. Elaine, you know. That's an excellent one. If there's a big group of pictures and that is a girl's profile picture, it's a law. It's a law of something. I don't know what the name of it is. Taylor's law.

That the girl with that as her profile picture is never the hottest one in the picture. Yeah, they wouldn't do that because hot girls don't want to be seen with hotter girls. Correct. Or even good-looking girls. They want a couple of dopes and McLaughins to follow around with. What the fuck is a McLaughin? A McLaughin? You've seen a McLaughin before.

I'm in the Midwest. McLaughlin? You've seen a McLaughlin before. I'm in the Midwest. I see flocks of McLaughlins throughout the day. Barreling down the sidewalk. Rolling. Rolling, yeah. Sloshing from side to side as they pace. Yeah, that is definitely the way it goes. If you see a group of girls, then the hottest one is not the one who is running that thing.

It might not be any of them. That's the funny one. I'd like to see that. That would be the funny ending to the the thing it was like none of them like he has no idea who he's dating the girl he's dating wasn't even present throughout the whole episode i got a question for you guys like so i see these uh like scenarios where like you give a picture of someone to a cop and he says yeah that's her i i feel like i'm bad at that i mean if it's obvious enough you know then then of course anyone can do it but um there'll be situations where like i don't know there's a girl on facebook and then like a naked girl and they'll be like look this is the same person but they don't look exactly the same but they aren't like do you does that happen to other people too or are you just i think i think

i'm good at it um and i could i think that not being good at it probably has something to do with brain the way your brain processes visual information it probably it probably has some evolutionary thing about you know looking at a fucking snapshot and whether or not you see the things that are sticking out and whether or not you'll notice in the next snapshot if they're there or not and maybe stuff maybe human characteristics are a particular branch of that kind of brain uh brain science but i like to think that i'm good at it like like i can definitely what i am good at um and but during the the fappening um i was very good at being like that's not her that's no no no like the one with the curling iron in her asshole that's not jennifer lawrence

like no like first of all she's a classy girl she wouldn't use a curling iron all right it's just not the it's not pawns and bishops only and did you know that every asshole is as unique as a fingerprint i don't know why i don't use that reference did she put a chess piece in her i just made up what a classy girl might do. Because if so, I don't have that one in my collection. I just thought, what would a classy girl put in her ass? I didn't even see. I guess I wasn't on the fappening enough as it was going down. Because I didn't know that there was a huge pouring of images that they were just speculating. Like with a hair curler in the butt.

I didn't know that. The fappening is a good example of where, of where it's not like I'm retarded at this and I can't see that Tom Hanks and Tom Selleck are different people. It's not like I'm that terrible or something. But I will say pictures like that, there'll be six pictures of Jennifer Lawrence, all of them

low quality in some hotel room in the dark. One of them is someone who looks a lot like Jennifer Lawrence. And i'm just like you know i i'm not confident enough to say that that's not her or like especially jennifer lawrence i know better than most but you know maybe some actress i only know from the fappening from the pictures right it's like oh five of six of these are real which one's the fake and i'm just like you know usually the more outrageous one would tend to be the one that they had sort of stuck in there like yeah not only is she bend over the couch nude but

she fucked this doberman look you know it's like wait a minute that's kind of out of place look at that wall socket is that eight plugs where are they i don't think the hunger games girls fucking dogs in her spare time there There's a Soviet flag on the wall. Yeah, the defamating. And she knew German. Taylor, does that happen to you too, or do you feel like you're good at not getting fooled by those things? If they say, here's this hot chick, and then here's their Facebook profile, and they don't look the same exactly, but they could be.

I don't feel like I'm ever being tricked because I always assume the worst presented image is the most realistic so if like if i'm if i see someone's you know page on on a dating app then that's probably their best foot forward you know only the best the cream of the crop pictures go there if you're you know on facebook they're going to be putting all their other shit and there's going to be a lot less flattering pictures because they're getting tagged and stuff and so yeah i don't think they fool you as much you just have to do a little digging if you're interested which i i really don't i don't use facebook um i don't have a personal account at all like i just i just don't

really do it and yeah so i don't do the creeping as much but it seems like yeah it's safer with thumb always the ugliest picture you can find of an individual is the most accurate there you go i did creeping on facebook like this week i uh how'd it go any new truths uncovered you know what it was so of course people know the story of the girl that i hit like when i was 13 or 14 years old. I think I was 13. It was the first half of my freshman year. Anyway, I was like, I wonder how she turned out. And it just so happens that I'm Facebook friends with someone that she's Facebook friends with,

and I'm like, oh, that's her. Like, how did she, what is she like now? And best I could gather, she's a stay-at-home mom. She's still pretty. She aged well. She married someone who appears to have a good job. He's not like over-the-top rich or anything. But, you know, they go skiing and stuff like that.

And I don't know. She just lives a pretty good life, I think, of a New Jersey wife. Yeah, she turned out okay. Nothing to really throw stones at or anything. I'm sure she's a much nicer person now. At least I hope so. You don't think that if you saw her in the store, she'd be like, oh, it's about fucking time.

I wish a bitch would. You didn't get enough of these five. She was emotionally abusive, man. I would love to hear her tell that. I would love to hear her tell that story. Like what is her perspective of it? Is she going to be like – It would be totally different because it seems like one of those things when you're a kid,

like when you talked to other people who were there as a kid, when it's like, hey, remember at my birthday party when we were five and we went out and did this and they're like yeah i was at your birthday party when we were five that nothing like that happened it's like really like did like my parents tell me that and then i just internalized it as a memory like that that kind of thing happens more often with like young memories like you start to almost adopt what your grandparents and parents say and that infuses with what you kind of remember from those four years. I imagine her side to go. I don't picture her saying that I get any of the facts wrong.

Cause I'm pretty honest about that sort of thing. Um, I imagine her justifying it like, Oh yeah, I called him gay, but like we used to make fun of one of the gym teachers because, uh, I don't know if you know them. They were like these stereotypical gym teacher shorts.

I think they were made by bike and they were really, really tight. I wonder if I can find them. Wow. They're just tight shorts? If you type, like, bike gym teacher shorts, it auto-completes on Google. It's like bike brand gym teacher shorts. I'll go to the big screen. Yeah, I see them.

That immediately looks... Gym teacher shorts. These things. I don't know if I can find another picture. They were real tight, short shorts. It seemed like gym teachers wore them. But this guy wore them after they stopped being popular. Like no one wears those today, right?

He was wearing them a few years later. And he was really into his own fitness. And he drove a Corvette. And he got like fake hair plugs or something while he was teaching us. And he was just really kind of clinging on to his youth and hotness or whatever and my friends and i not like we teased him we were freshmen we were idiots like we weren't in the on top of this relationship at all but it was just like i don't know look at mr mcgyver whatever his name was tight shorts and uh maybe she sees that like ah you know he used to point out this guy's tight shorts he was a faggot so i was justified in calling him a faggot.

Maybe she's like, he did, he was, like I hit puberty late, right? So I had these wide hips and narrow shoulders. And she used to do this to like outline like a girl's figure talking about me. She might be like, well, he was built like that. Of course I made, like I picture her side of it justifying it. Not so much saying like what i never said anything because she did it for months daily for months like that's not something you just be like oh no i don't know what he's talking about never happened uh she might because i bet

she didn't share that part of her with her her husband right that she was a shitty little girl he just knows of all the all the oh sweet she was so nice and his little he knows she's a bitch now i'm sure i am assuming she is i don't know who she is i'm sure he went down that road of regret um but yeah that's yeah that's scary thinking that like there's people out there who are super super shitty on a basic level like that There's people out there who are super, super shitty on a basic level like that that you don't know when you meet them. Like maybe you're dating them for like a year or two and then something slips and you're like, what the fuck? Like who is this person?

Like you just – like maybe they – I can't even think of a good example. The other story I've told before, my junior prom date, we weren't actually really close or anything. I've told before that my junior prom date, we weren't actually really close or anything, but There in my high school people would share prom pictures the next morning, right? Everyone did that It was like a thing like it all the teachers even knew like the first five minutes of every class after prom would the kids would be looking at each other's pictures and stuff and I Had a picture of my prom date from the next morning in her pajamas. It was nothing sexy, like a shirt that went down to her calves or something. And she had a picture of me from the next morning. We were both exhausted because we were up until like 3 or 4 a.m.

And I didn't sleep with her, and I never said I slept with her. That's the truth. But I think people inferred it or people told her that I said I was sleeping with her. And she got really mad and never wanted anything to do with me after that because I was spreading these lies. But I didn't. And I know that to this day she still believes I did. I'm confident. Let's call her up. Let's call up and tell her.

That would be fun. Set the record straight. I swear I'm innocent. She'll be like, Katie's cat calls how can i help you fuck i still have a chance and i know that she thinks i'm guilty i'm sure of it yeah that it'll stay that way forever so a bit of cod news today they uh december 13th they're releasing all the old original maps all cod for modern warfare remastered as it's known these days maps leaving out creek and broadcast because those are trash.

Killhouse 2, didn't see that on the list. Good. All the old originals, though. Yeah. I wish they would have brought Killhouse in, but I'm glad that they didn't bring... What were the two you said? Kreek and Broadcast. Kreek is...

I don't like Broadcast at all, but Kreek is worse than Broadcast. Yes, it is. I agree. Kreek is, I don't like broadcast at all, but Kreek is worse than broadcast. Yes, it is. I agree. Kreek is the absolute worst. It was a sniper fest, and the problem was that the assault rifle submachine gunner slash shotgun guy, if you're into that, didn't have much of a chance or a game plan, really, other than really campy styles of play around the structures. I think you had to either run around the whole mountain to get somewhere, or you had to go through a tunnel underneath the mountain where they could just have one sniper, and you just are running through a big PVC pipe basically with nothing to hide behind. Assault rifle across the bridge, over

the path, and then crest the hill. You feel like that's a losing strategy? That's what I would have done. You always got sniped. It was just a shit map. When I say it's a shit map, I mean, like, if a good player plays it, he's going to have a better than average score,

but it was just so hard to, like... If I'm playing back a lot, I know how to move around the map in such a way that there will be very, very few bullshit kills that I can't fend off. Nobody's going to shoot me in the back. Nobody's going to shoot me from above. I'm going to walk in such a way that that doesn't happen, but I can't do that off nobody's gonna punch me gonna shoot me in the back nobody's going to shoot me from above i'm gonna walk in such a way that that doesn't happen but i can't do that on creek no matter where i go i'm out in the open it to some extent to a sniper far away or to a guy lying in

a bush it just it was ambush central if you play domination which was my primary game b dom was like in the center of a valley way off to the side. If you're lone trying to push it... By the waterfall. Yeah, by the waterfall. If you're the only guy on your team trying to get two objectives, then it's rough to just run to that all the time. Because, yeah, there was the flag in that corner

and then the flag was in the corner of the map so there was a big, almost semicircle wall of mountain and rock that was like if you got on the flag you were backed up against rock and so you could just heave grenades over there when you saw like losing me and it would just tink off the side of any one of those sides and fall towards b like it was if it was so it was terrible and it was one of those maps where you can't differentiate you couldn't like at least for me my eyes are so shit like i can't like if there's a sniper in a ghillie suit on that map he may as well be invisible he may as well actually have a ghillie suit and be sneaking up on me because i don't

pick it up very well um in addition to that we get christmas crash for the first time on console of course it was a big pc favorite back in the day uh christmas crash is christmas version of the map Crash. The helicopter has Christmas lights all over it. They're the multicolored kind. Red, blue, green, all that stuff. And when you kill someone, when they die, they burst into a little

pile of presents. It's very happy. It's sort of a confetti and presents kind of pops and falls. That's going to be fun. It's nighttime. There's snow and just lights everywhere. I've seen a lot of PC game play from it from years past, and I always was like,

oh, I wish we could play that. But now we get it on console, along with Hardpoint and Gun Game. I did enjoy... Oh, Gun Game. I enjoyed Broadcast, though. I know you guys said that it sucked, but I like Broadcast.

I had a good time on that. I felt like... It might not be true anymore, but I felt like because I understood how bullet penetration worked through those cubes, I had an advantage over other people, and I might pick the AK-47, no, 74U, you know, for that reason alone with the penetration bonus. I had some good games

on Broadcast. In this new game, there's nothing better for Deep Impact and just shredding through stuff than 4 grip rpd it's it's out of control how good every map it's my most used gun okay in this game like it was not one of my most used it was my most used lmg in the first cod 4 because the other lmgs aren't that great but in this game it's it's incredible i i do better with it than the M16. The only downside is that you move slower. Like, it's...

My number one is the M16. I got, like, 2,000 kills with the M16 or something like that. It's, like, M16 and then maybe MP5 and... No, it's M16 and then, like, AK and MP5, P90, and then it starts really falling off after that, I think. I think I got, like, 70 kills with the Desert Eagle or something, but I haven't used the RPD as much. I know it's good, but I can't stand getting the attachments

unlocked for it when I can just pick up an M60 and laser kill people. Oh, you should go for it. You know, like, because you can, like, if you play Ground War and you use an RPD with Deep Impact and COD 4 Remastered on, like, Vacant, half of those walls may as well not be there. Because you

just know, know hey they're probably standing right there let me just take one shot and then you see the little and then you go okay i'm gonna shoot 60 shots and then i get so many wallbang kills on um on a bog bog is where i do it because i lock down the fence area and every game type and especially kill confirmed because you start piling up your dog tags and that draws in more of them i've got a nice little nook I get in back behind that brick wall and the fences, and I can lock that whole thing down by myself

with an assault rifle until I run out of ammo. I've gotten four five-man sprays there. They just pile through that door, and all they can see of you is the top of your helmet. But I mostly use the M16. What are you now? I'm like level 50, third prestige. Yeah, I'm third are you now? I'm like level 50, third prestige. Yeah, I'm third prestige.

I think I'm like level 32, something like that. So I'm a good ways behind you. I get like a night or two worth of playing behind. Yeah, I think it's also I'm leveling faster because I'm probably going for more gun challenges in that I think what you've been saying is you found what you like and you're sticking to it for the most part because you've played this game for years and you know

what you do good with. P90 is so good now. I use the P90 a lot. I permanently unlocked it. That was my third permanent unlock after you suggested that. I was like, yeah, that is a good idea. The P90 is so strong. I use it with UAV Jammer. I never ran UAV Jammer before, but it's so damn strong.

You don't do Jug? I've got seven or eight unlocks now, so I've got both. There's three or four submachine gun classes that are either Jug or UAV jammer. In watching COD videos, I noticed Jug seems more popular than it was

the first time around. I don't know that I'm seeing it more, but I definitely use it a ton more. I notice it a lot more when I am sniping, and I think that's because when COD 4 first came out, like, I don't know, I didn't think that Jug was as big when COD 4 first came

out in 2007 or whatever, until the huge sniper lobby thing started being a thing, and people were like, okay, well if every single game I jump into has me and 11 snipers, I'm just going to run Jug and ruin their day because you can. So I think it just skipped that whole

intro, not using Jug as much, stigma stopping power phase and went straight to of course there's a lot of snipers, use Jug. That's the smart move. With better hit detection. I was going to say snipers. Do you want to go? I was just going to say you die so fast. You die so fast in this game versus COD 4. Jug makes it feel right.

I don't have a hard time killing people without stopping power, even if they're juggernauts. I run the AK-74U with a UAV jammer or juggernaut and a silencer, so it's like no damage, no range. It takes like six shots to kill a juggernaut, but I don't mind because the hit detection is so good. It's ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, and they're dead. And I just keep moving. I remember it used to be, like,

I don't know how these can both be true, but they were to me. A sniper is not that useful on your team. You know, they're not as good as a regular person because, like, they're not capping objectives. They're just sort of sitting back, going for kills in an objective game. But somehow, when I went up against, like like four snipers or six snipers,

it became fucking impossible. Like I can't cross the street. I can't get into the building. I'm pinned into my spawn so hard. And these one-shot killers are just like mowing me down. You needed an anti-sniper class to deal with that situation. Like one of them was worse than a player. Four of them was better than four somehow.

I think it's because of the play style of the sniper. I think if you had four guys with ARs who instead of rushing around and running and looking for kills were doing what snipers do and getting in buildings and covering large areas of territory, you'd feel equally diminished in your capacity because you got four guys pecking away at you. gets rid of all everybody's inaccuracy issues.

That gets away of, of people not being good at the game for bad guys shooting at you. They're going to hit you three times at real quick, you know, with machine guns. My theory is that might be more likely to be a team, you know, like four guys playing together,

talking like coordinating, whereas you don't want that. Oh no. I used to be on the other side of that a lot. I enjoyed it. So I became a better player through the course of how long I played COD. I got better every year. Early on, there would be times when we could not lose,

and it was not because of me. I was getting popular on YouTube. I had friends who were amazing. I was not one of them, but I'm not losing. I'm winning every game. It was a foregone conclusion. That was fun because of the lobby trash talk. The only thing I don't like about

a good lobby in a game like COD 4 is it very quickly becomes a wait for your turn to use killstreaks. If me, Kyle, and Chiz are on the same team on bog if you fast forward three minutes into that game we're likely all going to have a helicopter waiting and we're going to have to go through turns and it's almost i'm at the point

because like obviously your helicopter earns you the killstreak back if you use it after you die i almost like feel bad now and i'm like all right i got my helicopter gonna run out and die no gotta kill i won't take much longer. Oh, got another kill! Oh, we're on a 10 kill streak! Oh, we're on a 15 kill streak! And all these means nothing! Because I haven't died yet, and it hasn't helped. And so I find myself running very recklessly, almost like, into

death. I wish, so I don't want higher kill streaks, because that's gonna mess with the game. But I do wish that my kill streak would reset. The earning of, so I wish that at that my kill streak would reset the earning of... I wish that at 10 kill streak, I got a second UAV. You know what I mean?

At 12 kill streak, I get another airstrike. That's way too good. I'm not saying you're wrong, but people would definitely fuss about that. People would say they ruined it, that it's airstrike crazy. All you gotta do is kill yourself. Hold a grenade,

and you can make that happen. Well, in your scenario, do killstreaks earn you killstreaks? I guess not. They do. Alright, well now you've really changed what Cops War was. Now once you get a helicopter, you can kind of get helicopters all game long. That's how it is now, though. I mean, basically what I do now

is, because I play Ground War a good bit, I don't really value the helicopter as much anymore as I do a good airstrike on Bog. So what I've been doing, they shoot it down as a team real quick. So part of getting your boot camp challenges is shooting 100 helicopters down and I

wanted a complete boot camp because you get an animated card on your profile. It actually moves when you look at it instead of just being a cool picture. And so I've shot down 115 helicopters now, so I know where they stop and hover on every single map at this point. But have you jumped to death enough? I jumped off the third story building on Crash 25 fucking times or something like that in a row in the same game, got that knocked out too.

You can do it somewhere else too. You can do it on District down in the well. can do it that's what i'm talking about oh that's been great like if you're on c dom this happened to me twice last night where i was you know those little culvert like cut out windows in the stone where you can see across where the well is into that building with the windows on the other side and then down to the left and lower level by the stairs is that cut out where they'll be coming from from that other corridor and i must have got like a six kill streak almost a helicopter off of it just aiming at that doorway over the course of like a minute waiting for the same two or three idiots who were all trying to complete this challenge like sprint like they were sprinting past each other at first i'm like they're all

trying to get this done together that's stupid but no clearly like you know you know uh thing one and thing two thought you know thing three is gonna get shot this is my time but it was like once again triple spray i got more pd bitch i can do this all day like oh it was great all you need is one bullet in it and it's like assisted suicide or something right like you don't have to kill them yeah yeah just right once before they jump Yeah, and then they don't get credit for their thing either. Yeah, because then they just died and didn't kill themselves. That's funny.

Yeah, I'm loving Call of Duty. Yeah, I am too. I'm really having a blast with it. But what I was going to say about the airstrikes, I'll earn my airstrike and then I'll kill myself or run out and die. I want to die before I get that helicopter. I don't want the helicopter. Didn't you get the helicopter right after you used the airstrike, and then I'll kill myself or run out and die. I want to die before I get that helicopter. I don't want the helicopter. Didn't you get the helicopter right after you used

the airstrike? I dropped four airstrikes in a row the other day doing that. It's incredible. I went from like 30 kills to like 70 kills in just a few minutes, it seemed like on Bog, because each airstrike is getting like seven kills instantly, not over the course of two minutes

buzzing the map and on bog they instantly get shot down anywhere so i i just earn my airstrike die call the airstrike in instant second airstrike and just rinse and repeat and i'm i'm dropping four airstrikes back to back to back it was sick and you know what you do once you start dropping them back to back to back is like the the spawn that you're corralling them so every time you kill a few of them start dropping them back to back to back is you're corralling them. Every time you kill a few of them and put them back in that spawn point, the wave of them that's running together back into the map gets more dense, and the airstrikes get more effective.

So I don't want a helicopter. I just want to keep dropping airstrikes. Until Quickscope McGillicuddy runs in there, and then they're spawning right next to you, which is actually good in your situation, because you want to die before you get there. Yeah, I don't mind dying. Yeah. A big part of what I do when I'm playing has nothing to do with shooting people and trying to stay alive.

It's about balancing the spawns out. It's about, oh, God, wait, wait. Five out of six of us are on that half of the map. Time to sprint back to our spawn. I've got to sprint back to our spawn and get back there, because I'm either gonna get a spawn kill, because they'll spawn right on fucking top of you. They'll spawn right next to you if you're not careful. So it's like, I'm gonna get

in position and aim through one spawn point at another, so I'm covering two simultaneously. And if they start spawning, I'll get the jump on them. But hopefully my presence back here messes with the game in a way that they won't now spawn back here. But who knows?

You know what I figured out? This is a Modern Warfare 2 thing. But I feel like it was a piece of why my whole YouTube career launched. I was doing a dual-com with Wings of Redemption. It was my gameplay. And it was on Modern Warfare 2. And what was the map name? It was sort of foggy.

And B-Dom was right by a mattress. That's not enough for you? Was it overpass, underpass, something like that? Yeah, it might have been that. It might have been that. Anyway, there was a spawn point across from BDOM, for lack of a better way. And it was near what they call a river in California, like those concrete sort of U-shaped things.

And you could look at the people spawn. Now, the way the game works is if you look at them, they don't spawn there. Like they typically don't spawn in your sight. You can just turn like that and whatever. But the game had kind of a flaw in it in that there was a chain link fence. And it didn't count as looking at them. It treated it like any other thing, like they were behind a wall. Yeah.

So during my dual comm with wings of redemption i i like called this out i was like look at this i figured this out in this spot you can watch them spawn you can literally see people spawn something very rare in cod uh you know because you're behind this chain link fence and uh that was like i didn't figure out a ton of stuff in cod i guess everyone figures out the same things but that was one that was kind of unique to me and i had it in my dual comm with his audience and a lot of people sub COD. I guess everyone figures out the same things. But that was one that was kind of unique to me. And I had it in my dualcom with his audience and a lot of people subbed to me.

You can do that in COD 4 right now if you want to. If you're on Bog and you're in the shit spawn, it's in the shit spawn. This mostly works for free-for-all or if you've run a U of E jammer class and you've ran into their spawn but your whole team is maintaining their correct positioning.

You run into that shit building and you back yourself into the corner so that at an angle you can see through that small window where's the snipers all i'm rusty you know are so on bog there's two spawn points it's the spawn point that's by that little building you spawn back in this little little can-cornered patio area behind that building. There's a window right there in front of you. You're going to look through that window from the inside. Look through that window, and you see a spawn point

that's hidden from everybody. You can aim right at it and just put your sights where their neck is, and so you'll hit them once in the neck and then once in the head from the recoil, and just rack up crazy killstreaks like that. Free-for-all, it works too, and people get real mad. That's my main way to play free-for-all on that map,

is to run like a Juggernaut 3 flash class, where I'm just sprinting back there, flashing as I go, because there's already people trying to do it and getting countered, so it's just a shit show back there.'s a another thing about free-for-all if it's still true i don't know but airstrikes and air power is super useful people don't shoot down helicopters in free-for-all they feel like they're helping their opponents you know i'm being distracted pointing my rpd at this chopper while everyone else is you know getting kills so i'm not going to be the sucker who helps everybody else.

Yeah, I'll shoot stuff down with RPGs, but I think I've shot one thing down with a machine gun. Just sat there and chipped away until it went away. You know what's really great at that? The RPD. RPD. You know how much it takes to kill one? One mag.

Exactly one magazine. If you miss a bullet then you're gonna have to reload i'm pretty sure because i've had times where i thought i hit it every time and then like i had to reload and then it just goes and it's just you know is that one bullet one i used to have a class called fuck choppers because hutch had a class called fuck choppers and i'm like that is a good idea. So I made one and it was the same sort of thing. It'd be a machine gun, an RPG as my

secondary. Was there something that protected you from air power? Is there like UAV jammer or something? No? No, not in COD 4. Well, there's UAV jammer protected from the UAV, but nothing else. Yeah, you'll still get helicoptered and airstrucked. I don't remember what was special about it aside from the fact that it was RPGs and machine guns.

I'm trying to use the Scorpion, and I'm having a hard time convincing myself to keep using the Scorpion, because they really didn't try and make the guns balanced in COD 4, and they didn't try and make them more balanced in cod 4 and they didn't try and make them more balanced in the way they re-released it which is fine i'm fine with that you know i like the scorpion more than the mini uzi which is just out of control if you try and ads with that thing or at least it was i haven't really used it much since but have you been using that at all kyle

when you're playing the scorpion or the mini uzi at all because those seem like the the step children of the yeah they definitely are i use the Uzi if I want to have some fun and free-for-all. I use steady aim and sleight of hand on it. And either bandolier or three stuns and an M9 is the secondary for the extra ammo. Do you put a silencer on it? Yeah, yeah. Silencer once

you get it. Get your 75 kills with a fucking mini Uzi. Good luck. But with the Scorpion, that's a real situational kind of gun. But again, I would use it with sleight of hand. You got to keep that thing loaded. Because it does that thing where it loads and then it charges. And it's easy to sprint or do whatever you do to cancel your reload animations.

And not get that part where he actually charges the weapon. And I've had so many times where I sprint and go to shoot and he starts loading again. 20 rounds instead of 30, right? Yeah. Yeah, with 20 rounds, in my hands anyway, I was never guaranteed to get that second kill. It's nice to reload after every kill.

And you'd think, oh my God, Woody, it's taking you more than 10 rounds to get a kill. you know it's a scorpion dude yeah so uh but yeah and you don't always stop shooting the second they die you know you put another couple bullets in just to be sure and cod 4 was my first cod but i used to bring up the scorpion always is it because once you got a couple cods in they're like oh my gosh you know the whatever gun isn't balanced they don't have every gun perfectly balanced i should i should have a reason to run all like 30 different guns in this game and i thought cod 4 didn't do that like there was never like ah it doesn't matter scorpion whatever they're all as good as one another no man scorpion you kind of use it

like a shotgun you know if you run up close shoot from the hip and deal with things inside. Because I don't know if people know, it does 50 points of damage up close. Like, that's a lot. But then that drops off very quickly. Like, it does that for, like, 12 feet. Yeah, yeah. It takes two bullets if you are close enough to touch them. If you have bad breath range, it's almost like a shotgun.

If you're using it in any other way, it's very tough. If you're using a Scorpion trying to get kills in Call of Duty, you need smart mouth. Because they're going to smell your breath from a mile away before you get close enough to plug those two bullets into them and then frantically reload. That's what you need.

But I like the Uzi. The Scorpion really is trash unless you're playing against real bad people. But against bad, you can use a pistol or something. If they're one-dimensional players where, like, they can't use both sticks simultaneously, you know, they're like... Those are my favorite players. Does the pistol not have auto-aim? It has auto-aim. My aim was always worse with the pistol.

I saw... This is hard to use. I watched an XJaws video recently. He had a Deagle. And, you know an x jaws video recently he had a deagle and uh you know throughout the game he had good aim but with the deagle you know i could see he you know they're hard to use man i thought maybe it didn't have auto aim i don't know why yeah bad sights um the way the auto aim works might be different maybe it doesn't engage at at longer ranges you know what i mean because it's a shorter range weapon. I don't fucking know how that part works with the auto-aim.

But, um, I I don't, I think I like the USP better. I think I like running a suppressed USP better because there's so many times where the deagle's good if you got one guy to kill and you can, like, spam it from the hip in a hallway. That's great. It instant kills him because it's doing

50 points of damage a bullet too and it's got lots of penetration. But a silenced USP, when I'm run out of ammo and I'm pressing Y to go to my secondary, I'm in some shit. I'm in the shit right now. I'm usually in their spawn with two more

of them to kill. And if I can pull out a silenced gun and go chink, chink, chink, chink, chink, chink, chink, chink, chink, chink and still have four bullets left, that's pretty sweet. It is. I just much prefer the whole like, oh, fuck! Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

And then just, usually you get at least one, because it takes like one and a half bullets. You hit them once anywhere and then once just close to them. And it's usually enough. But yeah, I think the Deagle's... You really like the USP more than the Deagle. It depends for what style of play.

If I'm running an M16, I think I'd rather have the Deagle, but if I'm running a submachine gun, especially a loud submachine gun, I'd much rather have a silenced pistol. If I'm running a naked AK with extreme conditioning and I'm trying to get around their spawn with Juggernaut, I want a silenced pistol that I can go to and go sneaky mode if I need to. If there's extreme conditioning and I'm trying to get around their spawn with Juggernaut, I want a silenced pistol that I can go to and go sneaky mode if I need to.

Like if there's that one asshole who's not paying attention, I can just execute him real quick and go on about my day. The only class I don't use a deagle on is MP5, and that's just because you need ammo for the M9. And usually if you've burned through all that MP5 ammo, it's a very un-fun thing to switch to that M9 and realize that it is also empty. That M9 is the worst piece of shit, especially with the silencer on it.

It's like, choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo. God, I hit him every time. He's still coming. He's doing like eight damage a bullet or something. Yeah, it's like a slingshot. It really is poor in that game. Let me do an ad read here. I think it's about time. I think so, too.

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And I haven't gotten into Harmon Quest yet. I'm really looking forward to Rick and Morty. Good service. It's hard to find good comedy on a lot of services. It's good to have one just for that. And at this late hour, let me tell everyone a bit about Stance Sockwear. These things are great. Stance has turned one of the world's most boring accessories, socks,

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dot com stance the uncommon thread yeah i'm a big fan of my stance socks i i'm not wearing them again tonight but i because they're always in the wash but i've got four pair i keep meaning to wear them on the show i've been getting great reviews from you, but Chiz has yet to send me my socks. You know, I'm beginning to think that he's pilfering my footwear. He might. He might be. He told me he had quite a few

extras. He said something about... Did he really say that, or am I being gullible? He said he had so many that he made sock puppets out of them. He was like, what am I going to do with them all? Son of a sockpocket bitch. I said it wrong. I was just thinking how sad it would be to jerk yourself off with a sock puppet. You know that seems like it takes all of the potential advantage of jerking.

If you think it's shameful to pretend that a prostitute's in love with you, why do you try pretending that the sock puppet loves you? Oh, it's like tacos and burritos. Oh, and Jennifer Lopez. Jennifer Lopez. Yeah, that was a good episode. And then later, she gives the handjob. Eric gives the handjob to Ben Affleck. To Ben Affleck, yeah, in that episode. Eric's been

fucked by a lot of adults. Eric. Yes, Cartman. He made Jennifer Lopez be his sock puppet, or his hand puppet like this. He just drew on her face. Oh, Jennifer Lopez! Oh, Eric, you are so funny!

Oh, Ben Affleck, you are so funny! Like that kind of voice. In the end, he acts like he doesn't care about Jennifer Lopez, and he's in the car with Ben Affleck, and Ben Affleck's you are so funny. Like that kind of voice. And then in the end, he acts like he doesn't care about Jennifer Lopez. And he's in the car with Ben Affleck. And Ben Affleck's trying to get Jennifer Lopez. And so while Eric's looking away, Jennifer Lopez goes down and masturbates Ben Affleck. And then I don't know how Eric knew how to masturbate another man. Well, Ben told him what to do.

I bought something cool on the internet the other day. It's a book by a wonderful author. Let me go get this book. It's kind of funny. And I'll read a bit from it. What's it called? Save it if it doesn't matter. Yeah, yeah.

I don't know where this is going. What book could he have possibly bought that's cool? I was surprised when he said I ordered a book on Amazon. I thought that was the news. It's like it's good getting into reading. What's the last thing you bought on Amazon? Go ahead, look up your order history. Unless you know it.

Oh, I definitely know. Oh, I know what it is. It was a Colton Pareko blues jersey. Hmm. It looks like my most recent thing was a USB charger. You plug it in the wall, you get three ports. Not that exciting.

Useful. Not exciting, though. You're right. It's the third one I bought. We have so many chargeable things. In between my paramotor flights, I don't even know how many things I have to charge. There's two heated gloves, a heated coat, a camera, the microphone is like noise cancelling, and probably

some shit I'm forgetting. The radio. It's just got 60 cords. Oh, that must be stressful to go out, but when you're going, like, alright, do I have, do I have my electric hat? Do I have both of my electric gloves? This one's only at 60%. When I'm at that altitude, I'm gonna need that fucking 80%! And you gotta keep it plugged in or whatever you do. It's a bit of a pain.

Like, I, you know, like in paramotor talk. But one of the joys of it is how easy it is to just go flying, right? I can walk to a part of my yard and fly away. But then you add like YouTube to it and – like adding YouTube to anything and like suddenly it's a production. Yeah. So what does Kyle have? We should take a guess on his book. I'm thinking – i bet it's from

a youtuber or something i'm guessing like we know the author maybe we've met the author um well we don't have to guess anymore what do you got winners aren't losers by donald trump is it by donald trump oh we're gonna read winners aren't losers. By Donald Trump. Is it by Donald Trump? Oh, we're going to read winners aren't losers. Winners aren't losers. They're winners like me. A loser's a loser. Which one will you be?

Can you angle it so we can kind of see the pictures there? If it's possible. I want to get the full experience. Winners aren't winners. They're winners like me. A loser's a loser. Which one will you be? Winners do deals and winners get rich while sad little losers just sit there and bitch.

This dog is a loser and frankly I pity it. The dog did bad deals. This dog is a loser and frankly I pity it the dog did bad deals this dog is an idiot yeah I was hoping it would have more of a Hillary resemblance and poor mr. Barry must feel like a loser valeting that 2006 PT Cruiser this lobster is a loser. Throw him in the pot. I like a lobster who doesn't get caught. Those losers are failures

who get nothing done. Just do what I do and you'll be number one. He's throwing him in the pot. That's a McCain reference. Yes, it is. Now here are some frogs I do not like at all. We must kick these frogs out and then build a wall oh my god i can't imagine what that's about

oh the places you'll go on your yacht on your plane with your suits from milan and your wives from ukraine oh the buildings you'll build or the wealth you'll amass. Oh, the people around you all kissing your ass. It's very uplifting. Absolutely. There are two kinds of people. Which one will you be? A loser like them or a winner like me? And that is Winners Aren't Losers by

Donald Trump. And I had, I just absolutely had to purchase the sequel. I had to purchase the sequel I had to purchase the sequel winners still aren't losers but oh we're gonna hear it winners still are losers no we don't need to go any further with that it's more it's more Dr. Seuss is about how about how Donald Trump is great but yeah um if you want a real good uh fun Christmas gift, I definitely recommend these. That's what I got these for. This one's actually kitties that she got for Kelly.

And this one's, I haven't decided who's getting this one yet. But I thought it was a real funny gift. I'm sure I've got some people who absolutely despise that book in my life. I'm absolutely going to order a couple of those because it could be a very, ah, $16? All right. Well, it's not that funny. For $4. It's not that funny. For $4. It's $4 funny.

It's $4.98. So that's the original one. Winners still aren't losers is expensive because I guess that's fresh off the press. There you go. The Amazon reviews, wouldn't you believe it? It's only two and a half stars.

All fives and ones depending on where you fall. It is. half stars. All fives and ones, depending on where you fall. It is. It's literally all fives and ones. The entire rating. A little divided as a nation right now. I don't know what people are expecting from the one-star rating. I mean, it's Dr. Seuss, but Donald Trump style.

I don't even know that they bought the product when they gave it either of those ratings. I bet most of those ratings are from people who are just team Trump or not sure yeah and it's just a it seems like a fun gift to someone who is not very invested in politics and thinks it's more funny because it is funny you know you would definitely wouldn't want to buy that for a big anti Trump person or a Hillary supporter, that would be in poor taste. That's what Jackie's... She got a Hillary for prison hat.

Jackie got... Oh, someone sent us Hillary Clinton toilet paper recently. Oh, I didn't get it. I gotta check the P.O. Box. P.O. Box 102, Carnes 1030521. What's different about Hillary Clinton toilet paper. It's got Hillary Clinton's face on it.

Yeah. Really? So you're supposed to wipe. Oh, okay. I put, I put that takes so long to put together. I don't know.

He's normally smart. He's a special kind of retardation that involves facial toilet paper. Yes, facial toilet paper. Yeah, I wouldn't buy that as a gift for someone. Actually, you would because you know that at some point, they're going to run up, rock in a hard place, and you're wiping your ass with your former idols. We have oftentimes, we have like a pile of boxes in the garage

that need to be burnt. And sure enough, the toilet paper was in one of those boxes slipping its way into the fire which is what happened to it it really isn't that much worse to burn her at the stake than to wipe your ass with her i don't know given the choice what would she pick you should at least keep the role of toilet paper because it's something that will be funny years down the road you know yeah it's a collector's item just like uh all these magazines you know the news, it's a collector's item, just like all these magazines. You know, the Newsweek with her on it as Madam President. This Time magazine as Trump as

the person of the year, where they very cleverly put the M behind his head so he looks like Satan. It's... Yeah, they did. I doubt that's an accident either. It is not an accident. It is not an accident. You think Time would be biased?

I mean, the underlying article, like it says right below the picture, you know, President of the Divided States of America. Really? The Divided... Whatever. Who fucking cares? That's not wrong. It doesn't matter. Trump said, yeah, I read that. It didn't bother me any. I'm not the president yet. I didn't divide them.

That's actually – okay. Good response. Yeah. That's one of his good responses. Well, we'll see. We'll see. One issue I have – so I wasn't on Team Trump. Still really not.

But the guys who are are really rubbing faces into it. I didn't feel like that happened when Clinton or Obama won. When they saw the face wash? Yeah, the face wash. Like did you see that guy who got, like, actually, he didn't get thrown off the plane and United apologized. Do you remember that? So this guy, I don't know how to describe him,

some sort of cross between redneck and trucker, was on a flight, and he's telling everyone, you know, Trump is your president whether you like it or not. Trump fucking won the election. There's nothing you can do about it. You know, Trump is going to do this this and Trump is going to do that. And someone was recording it with their phone. And he eventually just took his seat and they flew and got where they were going.

But he got banned for life. And whoever it was, United or Delta, said that the hostesses should have escorted him off the plane for that behavior. Really? Yeah. They? Yeah. They should. I mean, it's a vicious cycle of... Because, I mean, it didn't happen in 2008 online, at least, I don't think,

because it wasn't as developed. Social media wasn't as huge as it is. It wasn't as big a player. It wasn't. And so there wasn't as big of a huge swell of people who were like, Obama, damn you. Like, it just wasn't there for people to play off of. Now in 2016, you can find outrage anywhere you want.

And people who want to gloat about it have the most fun gloating with people who hate it and are offended by it and they're upset by it. And then those people get offended and upset. And those people who poked at him are like, that was fun. I want to keep doing that. And these people are going, I'm so indignant and upset and I won upset by it and then those people get offended and upset and those people who poked at him are like that was fun i want to keep doing that and these people are going i'm so indignant and upset and i won't let it go i refuse to let it go and they go well then we're going to keep coming after you with saying a bunch of bullshit and it's just it's a cyclone of escalation and the best part is like one side is the side with the ammunition and the other side is just the side is going to keep taking punches yeah something about Trump supporters seem to be a little more in-your-face than

Democrats. They don't slam-dunk and face-wash and such. They... What is it called? I think that's probably a minority of people. It's another vocal minority. Just like Black Lives Matter isn't reminiscent of the Democratic Party

as a whole or anything. I don't think it's because you can find videos online of trump supporters and hillary supporters acting like complete pieces of shit and obviously they're not like most hillary supporters weren't bad people they just thought that that was the lesser of two evils option most trump supporters aren't bad people they just think that was the lesser of two evils option now look social media or not kyle's book that he got there there weren't equivalents of that for any other president. It's because there wasn't enough outrage to make it worthwhile.

Because people weren't like, there weren't people, there weren't giant riots of people saying, not my president in major cities across the country. And if, and when people, if there were, they absolutely would have antagonized him because that's what people do. When they see that they're getting under someone's skin, they don't let up. They continue, especially if it's in a mob mentality like that where it's like, ah, we're all doing this, but nobody's really accountable, right? Ha ha ha. Like, you know, that kind of thing. Maybe it's because we're more divided, which I think is parallel to what you're saying there. Thanks Obama. It could be.

Yeah. Thanks Obama. It could be. Or maybe it's because Trump incites a certain fuck you, right? Like that's kind of one of his things. He's got this sort of thing where he doubles down where everyone else backs down. And it's both admirable and infuriating simultaneous depending on what seat you're sitting in. I remember when they called him out on anchor babies. They said, you realize that's an offensive term, anchor baby.

And he's like, well, what would you say? And the guy's like, the American-born child of an undocumented working immigrant. He's like, how long is that going to take? No, I say anchor baby. In a case like that, it worked for him, right? But when he was tweeting out like, oh, check out this woman's porn video who I fat shamed a decade ago or whatever, it hurt him. You could see the drop in the polls, assuming they had any reflection on reality.

I don't know what to think about those polls at all like every time they would show him dip and stuff it's like did he really did now you question everything right but i think that even if the numbers were wrong the trends were right that's my personal take on i think he dips i think i think that dip is more reminiscent of you know of that people who didn't like him already hated him so much more. It's more like that. It's more that all that dislike isn't getting spread equally among the masses.

It's just getting piled right on top of the people who already didn't like him. His supporters have heard him say worse than that. Anchor Baby? They don't care about that. They hear him say, yeah, she's not really a reputable source. Check out her porn video.

She's got no morals which is kind of what he's inferring with all that that look this let's be sure be clear about who we're talking about here she's in a lower class of people who does porn videos let's all like keep that uh in mind that's what he's saying there and that's that's kind of classless in its own way but it's his bully pulpit of twitter that he uses and he's about to get a thousand times more powerful. I want to get off politics, but here's one thing I hope that happens from Trump that might happen. I've always wondered why presidents don't call out the people who stop progress, right? Like a senator can silently filibuster, right?

They can file a thing that stops a bill cold. And the president never says, like,'s richard burr from north carolina screwing up this whole thing you know they he's the reason that we can't get this they don't do that to each other trump might you know if trump sees bad behavior like that i think he might be like he might list a whole like band of them he like we got eight democrats right now in this country he's like you may think this country is is is divided but we got eight guys that are holding everything back here are their names everybody i bet everybody in that whole world of politics like you were saying how they don't call them out i never really thought about it but i bet it's because like you

know obama calls out because they're all politicians they've all done dirty shit there's all stuff on them that if it got out they would be very displeased and so i bet if obama's like you know oh you know burr you're the worst you know burr might fire back and be like oh well look at what we stumbled upon now that this honor code of politicians has been breached like who knows if that's a thing but i somehow doubt it that like obama's been through two elections and all this and all the things he's pushed and they've like now oh there's ammo i through two elections and all this and all the things he's pushed. They fight dirty. And they've like, no.

Oh, there's ammo I've been holding back all this time against Obama. They've all got skeletons in their closet. Maybe that. I have no idea. But yeah, that would be neat to see him say like. Well, the skull and bones thing, right? That's some literal ones, right? The whole thing about Bush.

So you know like to be in the skull and bones and to like become a member, you have to masturbate in a coffin while a bunch of other members watch. And George W.'s father was there when he got initiated. So that means that his father watched him masturbate in a coffin one night. I believe that this is probably half true. Like he was in the Skull and Bones, but probably the masturbating dad part isn't true. I'm going to say if you're a sitting president, they're going to wave the masturbator into a coffin section of the ritual. He wasn't a sitting president at the time.

This is when he was in college. Oh. That's honestly weird. Yeah. I don't like that either. I never heard the masturbate part. But I just heard that a lot of people were in this thing that went on to have prominent positions like CEOs and leaders of state and such. And the fact that he was in it was like, dude, he's part of the Stonecutters from The Simpsons.

And that's as much as I know about. Yeah, the Stonecutters. We do. We do. You remember? They're all smashing their big mugs of beer together. And they're naming it. I want to find it.

We should just watch that video. Dude, Merk, are you watching the Philadelphia Flyers, the hottest team in hockey right now? They won again tonight. They're doing great. 6-5. They have the longest win streak in the NHL at 7. The second longest is 4.

And they're like third in the East, if you count it right and ignore ties and shit.. And they're like third in the east. If you, you know, count it right and ignore ties and shit. Yeah, they're doing well. I like the Flyers. So I hope they continue to do well. I can like them because they're out east. I like the Flyers. I like the Devils. I like the Capitals.

I like the Lightning. It's easy to like East Coast. The Hurricanes, obviously. Hurricanes. it goes without saying a lot of hurricanes fans around the nation i was reading some stat today and then we can get off this because i know people don't care but apparently uh the hurricanes have now lost half of the games this season where they go into the third period with a lead, which is like... It's just a very, very bad stat

to have a stat where it's like if you're up two to nothing going into the third period, it's like, well, guys, statistically, this is up in the air. We have no idea if we are going to win this game. Because they're like, come on, you're going to score twice.

And then we're fighting for our lives and we are the Hurricanes. So just a rebuild season. Not a rebuild season. They're better than they were last year by a lot. I've read the owners trying to sell and that they're willing to move it out of Raleigh. And part of me is like, no, don't do that. And another part of me is like, well, what do you have?

I've been going to the game. Where would they put it? Like Quebec City? I'm not sure. Kyle, did you want to watch this? That'd be a good one. Maybe, if you want. It's a 45 second cartoon song. It was just little member

berries for me. It's like, who keeps the British? I can't remember the words. It's so funny. Let's watch it. Who controls the British crown? Who keeps the metric system down? We do. Alright. Ready, set, play. Who controls the British pound?

Who keeps the metric system down? We do. We do. Who leads Atlantis off the backs? Who keeps the Martians under wraps? We do. You got the Martian guy. Who holds back the electric car?

H.G. Gutenberg. A star. We do. We do. Who robs cave fish of their sight? Who rigs every Oscar night? We do. One of them is an egg.

Notice that? One of them is just an enormous egg man. He has an egg. Notice that? One of them is just an enormous egg man. Yes, I did notice that. Yeah. That's bizarre. Simpsons was great for a while. Simpsons used to be a very, very good show. I haven't...

Well, that's not very fair for me to say, because I haven't watched really any of their last 10 years. No, eight years-ish. So yeah i remember it was going it was going well downhill when i stopped watching it yeah i'm probably eight years out too i'm out too i i guess when we got netflix we stopped watching but everyone else said it sucked and i thought no it still seems okay just everyone else is nostalgic about it they give it those rose-colored glasses i didn't think it declined too much, but now I'm out of date, so I don't know.

Do you watch Family Guy ever? I thought that was such a funny show when I was like 15, 16, and it doesn't even make me titter anymore because it's so formulaic. I don't know. There are certain episodes that really get me, that I really think are funny.

I like the episode where Peter mistakenly becomes the friend of a fucking terrorist when he fucking has a terrorist friend and there's a part where at the end where he like tries to send him a page he's like yeah let me send him a page to his beeper weird that he's got a beeper and you just hear an explosion happen across town um there's a part where he's running over everybody in his car and it I don't, that was a little edgy and funny. I thought a Reddit post ruined family guy for me. I don't know if you guys, what they said was, Hey, look, here's family guy without the non sequitur, right?

Of course the show is supposed to be like 18 minutes long because it's a half hour show. It was like three and a half minutes long of just boringness. And you realize that family guy is just a fucking shitty plot to lace together non-sequiturs. Where they're like, oh yeah, red hair like that time Lois did this. And then it just bounces over

to a silly thing. Or they cut to one of those incredibly long chicken fight sequences. Oh my god, that is lazy. That is lazy showmating. I don't think it's lazy because that's got to be the most difficult animation they do. When they're having that crazy Mission Impossible James Bond style fight running on skyscrapers and boats and there's huge fireballs and stuff. I like that.

I really enjoy the chicken fight episodes. I don't like the chicken fight episodes at all. I also don't like the onslaught of 80s jokes. The percentage of 80s jokes in Family Guy is so, so high, considering it's a show in 2016. My wife loves those jokes. What's the show? There's the black guy from West Wing, the white guy.

He's short, kind of cute funny he there to test psych psych you guys don't know psych taylor doesn't seem kind of cute and funny aren't the words i would use no no i think he's in that same branch of woody's brain with jude law yeah yeah so in psych they make a ton of references to like cabbage patch kids or whatever like stuff from the old days and my wife thinks it's the greatest yeah i just i mean i wasn't i wasn't old enough to remember all those 80s things yeah so that's the issue archer is like a cut for cut like remake of like those tom selleck movies though right or not tom selleck but um what's his name the uh the actor that he likes too much. They play Gator.

Burt Reynolds. Have you ever seen the side-by-side comparisons of all the Archer scenes and the Burt Reynolds scenes from his movies? It's like the same exact copied shit. It's so funny. The most recent season where they were privatized was a Tom Selleck rip-off.

Didn't even drive the same car and stuff. Burt Reynolds. I had no idea Burt Reynolds was 80 years old. Jesus. Did he drive a Ferrari or a Trans Am? I don't recall. I don't recall. In Archer, he drives a Trans Am.

Oh, well, then it would be Burt Reynolds. Well, they have Burt Reynolds on the show to make fun of that fact. They have Burt Reynolds on the show. He's dating Archer's mother that episode. Then then then he like drives the car and saves the day and everything yeah there are a lot of episodes that are just and they really go to a lot it's harder to do what they're doing than to not like when I say it's like a a cut for cut like copy like it that makes it harder to do their job it so I don't feel like it's a it's a bad thing i

like what they do and it was a it was a really cool thing to find after having already watched all those episodes uh to find that out after the fact archer's a great great show that have you seen it's australian knockoff on netflix they got to show on netflix called like pacific thund i'm gonna get the exact name but it it's called Pacific Thunder or something. It's just a complete rip-off of Archer. Is it good? Netflix animated Pacific

Heat. It's called Pacific Heat. They're like private eyes or something like that. it feels like a complete ripoff of archer even the animation here i'll link you to um a little clip from it i don't i haven't seen this clip before but you'll see immediately by looking at the animation even that they're going that route and the plot seemed kind of similar um i watched like half an episode and tuned out

I couldn't get into it yeah I'm not gonna watch a Archer rip off so soon oh my god that looks exactly like Archer yeah exactly but it's Australian and I have no interest no interest in Pacific Heat

these whores are still on my screen and it's doing that thing where it automatically goes through their big thing of pictures. I'm on 42 of 47 of this flabby woman bent over a bed. I feel sorry. This is her job. I like in those pictures how they go from a couple of nude, sexy ones of like, oh, you want to pay to fuck me, don't you? And then it's like her holding a glass bottle of milk

in one of those milk carriers. It's like, holding like a glass bottle of milk in one of those like milk carriers. It's like, who are you appealing to here? And why are you dressed up like a handyman? Like you're actually doing any carpentry in this next picture. Well, that gets me more interested now. If I see there's some like some cool scenarios, we can do like a milkmaid scenario maybe. Like maybe I come out to the barn and like she spilled the milk all over her dress. So I have to help her take it off or something

and get it all clean. I'm going to go out by the spigot. By the spigot. By the spigot. You guys want to do an AMA question? Yeah, I'm looking through these right now. There's one here just for me. After doing the Paramotor Mail Monday vlog,

I felt a tingle of hope. Will you ever consider starting up your Mail Monday series again as part of your vlog, perhaps? It was never about the gameplay. That's something I used to say. Yeah, I have been thinking about it. The challenge with Paramotor vlogging is that it's a fair weather thing. And I wanted to do one on Monday, but the weather was bad. So I actually recorded one yesterday, which is Wednesday as I say this.

And I'll probably put it up on Monday or something. I don't know if I can do it regularly because the weather's got. So I actually recorded one yesterday, which is Wednesday as I say this. And I'll probably put it up on Monday or something. I don't know if I can do it regularly because the weather's got to be right. But that's the try. I'd love to do two a week or something like that. A mail Monday and then just a vlog. But it's fair weather and sometimes I've got

things to do like today. I can't fly. Do you guys have any New Year's resolutions? Things that you've got to set in motion? I hate New Year's resolutions. That's always silly. Yeah, we've all got tons of stuff we need to do, but a New Year's resolution doesn't mean anything.

I don't even know what that fucking is. Nobody's going to be on January 18th when they're still doing it. They're like, well, I did make a New Year's resolution. That's almost as strong as a pinky promise new year's resolutions mine i'm gonna stop giving myself ultimatums i like it oh there you go i found a way out my new year's resolution is no more resolutions all right here's a question i can answer really quickly what really quickly. What do you look for in an animated adult TV show? What separates the mediocre from the great ones?

Really, it takes someone smart. It takes really smart writing. That's what it is. If you look at Rick and Morty, there's so much subtext. There's so many jokes that don't hit you the first time unless you're just a genius of some kind and you're you're you know you're you're in tune with all of the pop culture that they reference and all of the science that they reference and all the movies and and they reference things like dog world which was um one of the the show's creators previous project that never went through you know you when you finally get all the

jokes you've it's three years later or something like that. So I like shows that are written, that are smart shows, shows with good writing. For Rick and Morty, for me, it's not even about the jokes and the references. It's about the like hinted at plot lines.

That's the stuff that I miss that I like go online and see that other people caught, you know, like, you know what? I think they switched the Gary's when they put them in day daycare with something else and did you notice the ticket in his hand didn't match some other thing and that they're not from the same universe and oh yeah yeah like stuff like that i didn't catch those things on my own and i probably even messed it up but

there are these very subtle like hints to the way that the multi-dimensional stuff works that like if that's actually put in there because sometimes when fans notice these obscure things they're just wrong you know they grasped at straws that weren't there and sometimes they're amazing and yeah when they do that stuff when they put really clever little hints in and run with it that I'm very impressed that's that's smart writing it's so hard to answer for animated because there's so many routes you can take to a good show like archer and south park are tremendously different but they're both very good shows like archer has

more of a like part of what is endearing about archer is how much they stick to that continuity like in season seven they will make throwbacks to jokes from season one and it's the same animation yeah and the quality of the animation it's very good quality animation like it's that's good about archer conversely if you look at something like south park i really like how they'd have no qualms with stomping on precedent where they'll be like yeah we killed this character like three years ago but we kind of need him fuck it bring him back who cares doesn't matter you know oh kenny's dead again don't care oh this plot happened it makes this totally impossible it doesn't matter just forge ahead is cartman a dick yet this season or is he still being like the perfect boyfriend uh season finale he just becomes a dick again because basically

this actually this isn't even spoiling the season finale because it was like leading up to that for like three episodes where it's basically him convincing himself like my girlfriend is smart and funny she is smart and funny and then in the end it starts to crumble around him of like what if she's not she's not actually smart or funny but why would she make me think that she was smart and funny and it's like a parody of like ah this is him thinking that she duped him into thinking that she was smart and funny but really it's also a parody of men putting women on pedestals and then being shocked when they failed to meet those pedestalized expectations so it was like a double uh joke in that and so i it was good i liked it the that. And so it was good.

I liked it. The whole Memberberry thing went off the rails as soon as Trump won the election because you can tell that they had the story planned out for the most part. And when Trump won, it really threw a wrench into their plans. And so a couple of the storylines really started to – they started sucking. They were bad. They were planning on a Hillary win, and then the plot was going there somehow. You even saw Hillary in the Troll Trace episode,

or one of the Troll Trace episodes. She was part of that. And then she just completely dissolves from the story. I may blame Trump for making South Park bad this year. That may be what it is. I think that if they had known, of course, that he was going to win, with that, they could have done a lot. Because, you know,

either early this year or last year, they killed Trump in their universe. They had a guy who looked exactly like Donald Trump and spoke like him, but he was the Canadian Prime Minister instead of the American Prime Minister, and Mr. Garrison went and fucked him to death. You know, so it's

kind of a weird thing where they didn't expect trump to win just like everybody else yeah i've got a whole thing here so this guy says what do you think about the future of the autonomous future of cars and elon musk plans to colonize mars all right so we've talked about the automation of driving and the huge impact that's going to have on jobs and all that crazy stuff. But then somebody wrote me and he has his own take on the automation of cars. So I'm going to read about this. The job of truck driver isn't going away, but it will improve for the better. To completely eliminate the job of commercial driver would require a 100% infrastructure change,

not only to highways and residential streets but modification of the delivery aspects of everything from big box stores to the mom-and-pop grocery store in rural appalachia instead of the job of driver it will change the title of operator commercial vehicles require 180-point federally mandated inspections daily covering everything from tread depth and pressure on tires a steel in the fuel tank the cap not being worn, and also the fact that in order to maximize profits with fewer vehicles, companies will always try to obtain the longest length of haul possible,

and trucks have to be fueled every 500 or 1500 miles. He goes on, but basically he says for a while that trucks have to be monitored a ton. I could give you a hundred other examples, but let's talk about how the job improves. Trucks will be automated on major highways. This will reduce driver error and allow drivers to better monitor equipment with built-in diagnostics, as well as cameras and all angles, giving the newly titled operator a better view of issues in his vicinity.

The truck still has to be backed in the docks. All of them are different. He goes on for a while, but basically says what's going to happen with truck drivers is they're going to be like commercial airline pilots where there's an autopilot that keeps it between the lines. Right now, a big part of their job is just keeping the truck in between the lines, transfer to the future, and it's going to be

more about maintenance and making sure the aircraft is doing what it's supposed to do. They'll be monitoring or operating it. I don't know. Trucks's about to spend a trillion on infrastructure, though, so maybe we get those fancy roads that will accommodate our self-driving vehicles. Or maybe Trump will take a stand against the machines.

That's how he's... The only way you're going to avoid that future where we get to the universal income for everyone is if we take a stand against the machines somehow. Like, he's got to do something like that. Because if we keep a stand against the machines somehow. He's got to do something like that. If we keep replacing everyone with machines,

there's just not going to be any jobs left. Then we're going to have to fight some sort of war. We'll just let the machines fight the war. That's good. I like that. At this point in reality, what are we doing? We're a virus. Are we just on the internet playing call of duty we're in the machines we're in the machines that's what i want that's the future that i want and it's where we're

headed right we're going to be an intelligent entity inside of a computer and we'll live forever like that we will we're all all of our intelligence all of our soul whatever we are that entity that we are that's riding around in this fucking meat suit do you think of yourself when you think of yourself self do you think about that your brain matter do you you ever think about like what am i like what of me could you take away and i would still feel like me you know it if as long as my head's still here i still feel like me but do i even need my eyes and and my senses like if my brain were just here existing i think i'd still feel like me so if you can put that inside of a fucking machine then i could live in a mech suit and do stuff or and then I could be like you know what?

I don't wanna be here anymore And I could just fucking blink my brain eyes and and be on the other side of the world and in a server somewhere I Mean that sounds interesting and horrifying. That's what's coming We won't see that no of course not What if that's disappointing good the current state of your brain, upload it to the net, and then you just exist like that forever? Exactly. It wouldn't be you. Well, the thing is, in your description, I felt like you were saying you're going to take your brain, not the state of it, right?

Like, let's get rid of all the biomatter, right? Yeah, no more biomatter really we need some sort of interface that would allow you to you know come out of here and go into there like whatever this is that i'm struggling for a word for it that of what we are you know your soul your entity your consciousness your intelligence whatever that is that is you your essence your essence if you could get that into something else, then you're immortal at that point, I think. That's the goal. Will we ever get to the point where we capture the state of a thing?

Everything in my world, anyway, is just a series of biological reactions. We're a big chemistry experiment that just reacts in a certain way to certain things. It gets programmed. Your chemistry alters. your synapses connect. But basically, it's almost not free will the way you respond to stuff because it's just a bunch of chemical reactions. That's one thought process.

Will we be able to capture that and put it somewhere? Just like, all right, this is Kyle's current programming. This is who he is. Boom. Now we have a thing that will act just like Kyle, assuming it's exposed to the same stimuli from now going forward. That'd be neat. I used to think of that with weather.

Like if we could predict weather perfectly. Now that's not true because we have things that impact it, the butterfly off Africa. But if we could capture the state of all air mass on Earth and we knew how it was going to react to like say mountains on earth and the other air masses it bumps into we could like reasonably predict it going forward sure yeah i i don't know i i think that all those things are possible like i don't think there's anything out of the realm of our grasp anything you can imagine i think we could achieve but i think we'll kill

ourselves long before that'll happen or something else else will happen to us. Just, you know, over the course of enough time something big hits this planet and we all die. Over the course of enough time a big radioactive wave fucking hits us, or a pulsar blasts us with radiation or something. Like, over a long enough course of time, we're dead. That's why getting on Mars is important.

Right now, it's sort of a fledgling thing, and it really does seem like a costly bullshit endeavor. But if you're going for this long-term, 10,000-year empire that we're going to need to get to the point where we're folding space and conquering the entire galaxy, then you've got to get on another rock. I wish I could see what other civilizations did, right? And I'm not talking about humans, right? Like they say, oh, you know, the dinosaurs ruled the earth, and then they got wiped out. I don't think anything ruled the Earth quite like we do. I don't think anything's

inhabited all seven continents, all over the Earth. Like, what humans have done... A T-Rex didn't look at another T-Rex in another field and be like, ah, we run this place. Like, no, it's just they were dumb idiots with no forebrains or midbrains just acting off impulse.

Yeah. In terms of like, mastering their environment, no one's done it like humans have on Earth, I think. just they were dumb idiots with no four brains or midbrains just acting off impulse yeah in terms of like mastering their environment no one's done it like humans have on earth i think right there's no evidence that that's happened yeah those hobbit people we stomped those bitches out and we had the neanderthals rape the fuck out of them that's what we do uh and then it's us left over if you think about the the genetic material that's been compiled and compressed over time to create you and I and Taylor and anyone else who's alive right now. We are the result of the baddest motherfuckers that this planet has ever assembled. We are the baddest people there's ever been. Our ancestors had to be hard and tough and cruel and smart and clever and all of the things above to get us here and to get

that genetic material down to us. Only the strong fucking survive. We are the product of a Spartan-like system. And not just among humans or among Europeans or among Americans, but among creatures. You know, like the mammals rose to the top, the primates rose to the top, and we rose to the top of them. It's really fascinating to think about it that way, of how special each of us and yet an elite group at the same time place in all of the apes and mammals like well the well and because those are the the the best uh you know of this planet i feel like i feel like you set the chimps against the dolphins chips win every time yeah well it depends on who gets home home field advantage

if you throw a bunch of monkeys in the ocean, those dolphins are going to have their way with them. They're going to rape them. They're going to rape them first. They're going to rape them. That's what dolphins do. And last, the dolphins show no mercy. I've been watching a lot of monkey videos

because I'm really fascinated by the intelligent monkeys that use tools and stuff and the singing monkeys in the jungles and stuff. I've been watching a lot of monkey videos. I know Taylor likes that. Let's talk about this poster that Chiz made now that we're in the last five minutes of the show or whatever. Do you have it there?

He made this Christmas poster. Oh, I didn't even see anything. No, I can't change Skype conversations. So, no. That was not set up for this. Okay. Yeah, it's...

Man, he's got notes here and everything. Notes on the Christmas poster. I'm going to read his thing here. I guess we should have gotten to this, but it really fell through the wayside because of the ads. He says, We've had this awesome drawn-from-scratch poster made to celebrate Christmas this year,

and all of you can get and put it on your wall, so we're selling these. You can go to this. I'm going to link you to what I'm reading, Woody. And I suppose I should link you to the actual poster itself as well. Yes, I'd like to know what we're appreciating. Are there a couple of them?

We don't know. We don't seem to know anything about this. I want my money back on this ad, Reed. Yeah. I really feel like we need to make good. This is our ad. I don't know how to copy paste all the world because he's better copy pasting he denies it he says he's good at it it's totally not true oh here we go I gotta click the share button all right hang on what is this madness it's newfangangled buttons and keys how are these kids navigating

i just i don't know how to share this with you um is that he said it's six six is it uh what does it look like um has he shared it with anybody else before he put it in the fucking skype chat it's it's in the pk recording chat which i can't switch to. You can't copy and paste it? There's nothing to copy and paste on this. At the top of the thing, I downloaded the file. It's on my computer.

So drag it into the box and you can upload it. Ah. Where you type, just drag it there. where you get it drag it there no you know where you where you type the where you type in what you want to say there you go i put it in the other one okay yeah yeah there's your poster jesus christ um yeah so if you go to uh that link there uhgum.co slash Xmas2016, or you can find it on gumroad.com slash pka and get it today. These Christmas posters are limited edition.

They'll only be for sale until January 8th, 2017, and then you'll no longer be able to get them, so don't procrastinate. This is a PKA holiday exclusive, not limited to the United States only. If you live in Canada or Europe, you can also buy the poster. You're just going to pay a little more for shipping, he says.

Next time we do a PK Adventure or fan meetup next year, this will be the perfect thing for you to bring along and get signed by us. So you should really get one for yourself or anyone else who might be a fan of the show. It appears that you drug a thumbnail in. Is that what you meant to do? Because it's a pixelated crappy version of the post. I'm just dragging the image. You don't want to show it to everybody.

I don't know how to link you to what he sent me because he sent it to all of us. I don't know how to get it and then give it to you separately. There's me putting the star on the top of my paramotor, and I assume Chiz is the Jewish guy. And there's Kyle with the gun. Go to the link. Go to the link that's on the, that's listed

there in the Google Doc. Yeah, I'm looking at it. Itty bitty little thumbnail. And you got Kyle wearing a Jewish star riding around on a train. That's Chiz, I believe.

That's Chiz. Never mind. Oh, Kyle's shooting. Okay, I'm looking at a thumbnail. Sorry, I can't see very well. Put the goddamn... Go to gumroad.com slash pka. What is it?

Gumroad.com slash pka. I knew what it was. I wanted to make sure the listeners knew. It might have been me who drug it. I don't know. I put it back. And now it's all big. Yeah, so if you... So I'm sitting there with an owl sweater on, holding an owl

with a beer. No, that's not a beer. That's alcoholic tilk. Oh. Oh, man, my eyes are fucked. Oh, that's not a beer. That's alcoholic tilk. Oh. Oh, man, my eyes are fucked. Oh, there's Henrietta. There's Henrietta above the mantle. And there's the

chopper you use to take her head off. No, no, those are some Raid Squad Killers toys. There's a meat cleaver and some duct tape. I see there's a book there. It just occurred to me she was just riding a train. the henrietta the henrietta express if you look carefully enough uh there's a gift down there addressed to chip there is an auto blow charging in the background there's there's a book on that's right That's the fucking best part of the whole thing. Oh, that's great.

There's a book, something about cloud suck, back there. Why is the tree on fire? Is that a my doing? I don't know. Running that engine indoors can't be safe. It's hard to say what's actually started the fire. There's a picture on the... The only picture

on the sill over the fireplace ledge is of you, Kyle. That picture that you don't like. I don't mind that one. Oh, there's some Robin Williams stuff up on the mantel over there. Not on the mantel, but on the shelf

to the top right corner. There's a Mrs. Doubtfire, it looks like, in the first one. I'm wearing mandals. You are wearing your mandals. My wallet is on the ground and a business card for Cliff Hutchinson, attorney at law, has fallen out.

Where the hell is that? It's right by the tilk. Oh, I have it cut off a little bit. The gift is labeled for Chip. And of course there's a statue of a half-fish half woman also on the mantle I don't I don't see any other there's a lot of good

stuff in this yeah I want to be boring nuggets yeah it looks like the bullets in my machine gun are Christmas lights that I'm shooting so that's if you that's probably what started the fire oh I it now! I'm stringing the lights on the tree with the machine gun. Look closely. Okay, I just realized that the fucking lights are coming out of my machine gun. Okay. One of the gifts appears to be a pink pistol.

Underneath. There's definitely a handgun. The handgun, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's a gift. This is really neat. He's got a menorah on his train yeah this is pretty cool Chiz got this done the other day I've got like the because it's clearly like a Rick and Morty style

animation and I've got like the the Rick's found his drinking too much that's funny this is really funny good job Chiz. You didn't do it, but you commissioned it.

I don't know how much he had to do with it, but he was sending me rough drafts for a couple days. He came up with all the inside jokes. For sure. Great job, Chiz. If you guys would like to buy one of these things, I'm definitely going to get a couple.

Go to gumroad.com slash pka, I believe is the correct URL. I like this thing. You did a good job. You guys want to call it a wrap? Hit up the other sponsors? I want to go five more minutes.

Oh, God. Five more minutes? I thought you were going to say hours. I heard hours. I would be down for that. I just don't like being the weak link. I thought you were going to say hours. I heard hours. I would be down for that. Would you? I just don't like being the weak link. Like, I want it to never be me who says that, like, a thing doesn't work or has to stop. It's not just PKA.

Like, I don't know, if we're hiking together. Sex. That's what I was thinking. No, I'm not done yet. If we're hiking, I want you to be the guy that asks for the breaks. done yet. If we're hiking, I want you to be the guy that asks for the breaks. If we're working, I just should never be the weak link

in any situation. That's how I like to be. If, I mean, Shucks, on WoodyCraft, there were so many times we were up late with an Australian who was not even late for him, and I would never be the guy asking for sleep. Just try to avoid that. If you're ever on a hike or any physical activity

in a group, and you're tired but don't want to be the guy who feels like they're making everybody stop stand next to the heaviest most out of shape person make sure that people see you kind of going with them for a while and then you announce almost too loudly like hey is everybody feeling like it's time for a break is everybody feeling like a break and then they look back at you and they see the the mammoth to your to the east and they say oh yeah we probably should take a rest huh you know that's very nice of taylor to look out for you know lardy linda over there stumbling up the guns he's like i was pumping through it man i powered through that shit i got blisties it's a thyroid issue you know

those thyroid issues are running rampant across America these days. They are. They seem to have a really high correlation with eating lots of garbage. Yes. Is it because of the corn subsidies? Is that it? Do we just put corn syrup in everything and then corn chips? No, it's because people are eating too much.

But would we have healthier food But would cheaper foods be healthier if it wasn't for the corn subsidies? No, dude. You can go... No. Bad food would be more expensive if not for the corn subsidies. Okay.

I think that's how it would work. Walmart has produce. You can go to Walmart and get produce. There's a Walmart every 20 minutes across this country. You should have a garden. Yeah, you can build a garden. I got a garden. I got maters. If a bag of Tostitos was $8, would America be thinner?

Because suddenly they'd grab green apples instead. No, they'd be hungrier. That would be thinner as well. They'd probably spend less on other things. You'd see a wave of obese criminals. A big wave of them just flowing over people.

Amorphous. Blobs. Osmosising their way under cracks in store windows and finding their way in. The blob is great. Maybe that's the solution. Double the price of all the food and hope that America's okay with it speaking of the blob did you see Amy Schumer was going to play Barbie

in the Barbie movie that doesn't really make any fucking sense remember when we talked about actors that are perfect for the role not that one she's no Joffrey when it comes to Barbie I saw a picture of her the other day and of course I'm sure there's plenty of like bad i should find a link to it because it's so bad

i saw like someone did a whole like photoshop of her as barbie as fat barbie and it was called uh barbita's that's funny yeah that is funny so uh she uh she is definitely someone that i think her career is already on the downtrend she hit that peak she upset a lot of people by being you know basically she upset a lot of people in the stand-up community when they were like hey you're stealing fucking patrice o'neill's jokes you know that guy who died and everybody loves and reveres and so a really homeless crime Yeah, victim listen that way But also very shitty if I went out there like if if Trump walked out on there was like, you know Four score and seven years ago our fathers and whatever he said

Speaking of his wife. Yeah, you're doing what Melania did. That's not your speech. Dedicated to the proposition that all men are free. I remember we had to do that, and it was so uncomfortable. I still remember this. Holy shit. Do you ever get so uncomfortable for someone else in a situation that you remember it viscerally, almost as though you're uncomfortable?

No. When I was in, it must have been some year in middle school, we had to memorize the entire Gettysburg Address, and the way they would have you recite it is the teacher would just be like, all right, come up here memorize the entire gettysburg address and the way they would have you recite it is the teacher just be like all right come up here and recite the gettysburg address and everybody else would be doing their free time whatever studying or cramming to go up and stand in front of the desk and do it for the teacher but you're doing it in front of everyone and i went up there did it i don't remember if i did good or not fuck it someone

else went up did it one of my friends went up and the only way that this friend of mine can memorize stuff is to sing it i know because i remember in second grade this kid sang a bible verse to our second grade teacher and it made me uncomfortable then think of how uncomfortable something has to be to make a second grader with no self-awareness feel uncomfortable ruminate on that and then in eighth grade when he went up there he started like in a little like in like a not non-committal kind of song like if you were a theater and dance person like like how i imagine hope to be she'd go up there and be like like building into a song of like four score and seven years and like whatever she's gonna do this guy went up there and like just did like an uncomfortable like four score and seven years ago our fathers headed down the country of that it was

it was oh my god my stomach hurts thinking back to it at how much you look at someone and you just think that's that's bad and you know everybody's listening to you and just learn to memorize shit without singing it that's that's you should you can't go into a boardroom and they're like hey you have to go to a buyer meeting and convince them to take on more product for fucking target or whatever. And you go in, they're like, Hey, why should we take more of your products?

And they go, well, even the picture is much better than Tyson chicken. It's tastier and healthy. Like you can't do that. You gotta, I'm just trying to fill up five minutes here. You know,

I've got something cool coming up. That's not cool at all. Like, no, I'm getting another colonoscopy. I got one five years ago. Made a great YouTube video about it. Lots of pictures. And... Same thing this time? Gonna go in? I don't know. Go pro blazing? Dude, I... Don't do that. I was joking. Don't do that. I don't want a colonoscopy. I feel like every time you get one of these

like preventative tests and it doesn't find anything, you've completely wasted your time. Just logically, you have, right? If they don't find cancer, I did all that for nothing. That's the scoop, right? It's your peace of mind you're gaining. That's what you're doing. Only if I don't have peace of mind now, which I do. I'm pretty sure I'm cancer-free.

I think that these screenings are bullshit. I think that even five years apart, you're totally more likely to have some other symptom. There'll be blood coming out your butt or whatever, and that's how they'll find your colon cancer, not through one of these screenings. It would just be a sheer act of luck if you developed cancer with no symptoms and got a screening before any symptoms developed that you could find it. Don't take medical advice from me, but I feel like colonoscopies are a total waste of time.

I'm only doing it because my wife demands it, and I'm kind of in a risk category. Her mom has colon cancer right now, so that's kind of a bummer. And my grandfather died of colon cancer, so maybe like this sort of a bummer and um my grandfather died of colon cancer so maybe like you know this sort of heightened awareness of it in my family it happens i don't recall a celebrity uh i don't recall which celebrity it was but he was on the stern shows to talk about getting your colonoscopy and that's what had happened to him he had just gotten it and he

just happened to go in and get this check he's like yeah they found it within like a year and a half but i just got it and there was no signs and no one knew anything and they would ever never would have known anything until there was like a grapefruit in my colon or something like that i don't know maybe it is a good thing you know i i did hear him say because they had a doctor on the show that the colonoscopy wasn't going to be necessary by next year that they're going to have a blood test to like fix all that he's he's like oh we have the test now but it'll be widespread everywhere by next year and i was thinking like ah if i was about to get a colonoscopy i might put that off till next year and they fucking take a little blood i should google that or maybe just ask your doctor

because that's you know you know what i mean but my doctor is trying to sell he wants to go in he sells colonoscopies for a while if he sees a a tight ass like mine, he'll be like, get on the table, Woody. So I feel like I should trust my own internet searches on medical advice. Okay. So the colonoscopy is your lower colon and lower intestine stuff. Okay. So are they going to check out your prostate while they're in there? Are they going to make that part of the deal? God, I hope so. Because they're already in there. Right? So there's a couple different ways they do that.

Obviously, they go in there with a finger. They do sort of a manual exam of that thing. But they're only getting like 40% of the actual surface area. So they've got this – what's the thing they use on women to show the baby? Ultrasound. Ultrasound. Ultrasound. Ultrasound. They have this ultrasound device that looks just like a high-end dildo that they go in with,

and they rub that back and forth on your prostate, and it ultrasounds 100% of the prostate with a three-dimensional image. And if they see anything, then they take a little sample for further testing. I see. I don't think you feel that. It's like a microsurgery where they cut a little sample for further testing. I see. I don't think you feel that. It's like a microsurgery where they cut a chunk out. I'd be under anesthesia or something. Not for this.

Well, it seems like for the colonoscopy I would be, so why not just do it while I'm under? What, are they going to wake me up and do the prostate exam? On Stern, they did karaoke while they got the anal ultrasound. So they start singing their song you know she's a maniac maniac and she's dancing like she's never danced before as he like sticks it up their ass and like and it's like a five or six second procedure where he's like that's it twisting it and like moving it around in there so they're they're hitting the

high notes through all that that That was pretty good stuff. I so don't want this. I don't want this at all. Prostate karaoke. You're getting it, man. You have to do that thing where you fast and then drink the stuff that makes you poop everything out. Oh, man. Fucking film

that. Film that? I just want your face and that sweaty lip and just the noise of the toilet bowl just that you're just coating the bowl

like for Matt's sake if you're let's say you're having it done on the 10th on the 10th. On the 9th. Is he shitting out of his asshole? Oh my god.

There's a demon in your asshole. I don't want to do this. No choice. You can't just tell her you did it and then tell her it's okay when you came home. You can't just, instead of going to the doctor, go out for a day of fun and then come home and walk funny. You couldn't do that.

There's anesthesia involved, so she would drive me there and back. Which, by the way, like post-procedure, they fill you up with air, right? If they don't put air all up you, then the camera would be touching the walls. You can't see anything. Yeah, it's collapsed. Yeah, open thing. So they inflate you like a balloon through your intestine and take pictures along the way. And then as you come to, they want you to pass that air. And my wife had it done and they're like, yeah, you got to pass that air.

While you're back there, we got as much out as we could. I'm like, That sounds sexy. Just push it down on your stomach like you're one of the inflatable sex toys. I don't want to be in the recovery room farting in front of everyone. Of course, they do it every day, and it's no big deal to them. But it's probably one of those. There's no substance to it. Do you wonder if your farts sound the right way?

Like, what if my fart doesn't sound like the other farts he sounds? What if he thinks I've got some sort of feminine fart? What if he thinks I've got a gay fart? Like, these better be loud, I guess. Let's make these some manly farts. Why don't you like squeeze your ass cheeks to make them thunderous farts? I did it like. Or Jackie's waiting in the lobby and she just hears like.

That's right no there's very like so i did this five years ago and i i farted on like the because you're coming to from anesthesia and they're like oh yeah that's good that's good you got to pass that and it's like i don't want to be congratulated on no pep talk yeah i would tell him that beforehand like look in the recovery when i'm passing the air no pep talk. You should tell him that beforehand. Look, in the recovery, when I'm passing the air, no pep talk for me. It's very demeaning to tell a grown man he's farting well. I'm sweating thinking about this.

I didn't sweat all show, but I'm like, God, I don't want this to happen. Oh, man, you're going to stink it up. You're a dick. There's going to be more methane in that room than there is oxygen by the time this all does. That's where you want to bring the match. It doesn't even smell. It's not like you haven't digested anything lately.

They literally put air from the outside. It's like it worked its way through. What if they filled you up with propane or something? You'd be like a fire farting dragon. That would be hardcore. You'd think a little fart going off is impressive. They filled you up with propane. They sent me to the burn ward after that.

Well, you're going to need some sort of an aperture to insert into your butthole so that we've got a focus. You know, like a blowtorch does. It focuses down. Like an elephant's trunk, right? Just a big old thing that goes out with two nostrils flaming it looks like a dragon that fart silencer i've been working on that's part butt plug and part suppressor okay how clever i've heard that the fart silencer is the g-string

yes i've heard that as well you don't know this kyle yeah apparently i'm imagining if you put the g-string across the anus rather than make the big farty sound, it just goes... Well, there's only one way to work that. I'll get right on that. I just don't know if I believe it. Put a thin film of Vicks VapoRub on your asshole. Just a thin film. So that when you do fart, it doesn't smell bad.

And none of the doctors have clogged nose. I feel like Vicks paper rub on your asshole would really be tingly. Burn like a motherfucker. Yeah, that might be a mistake. So that if your procedure is on the 10th, on the 9th, you can only eat clear fluids. So it's like a whole

day of fasting. And then on the 8th, it starts late, like 9pm or something, you have to stop eating. That sucks, man. Beef broth? Chicken broth? I mean, you'll lose a pound. I don't think. You'll probably lose 5 pounds very temporarily.

Very temporarily. Once all your poop and air is out. God. Do you know that average human has 30 pounds of shit in them at any given time? That can't be true. I don't believe you. No, it's not true, but it was some crazy number. It was at least like five.

It's more like five or seven. Yeah. I think I would like to get a colonic. I had to lie to get you interested. The idea of the colonic, the idea that they're getting all of that out is a is a good feeling like it's the sort of thing that like if you're dirty you want to get clean if there's a splinter in your hand you want it out if there's a i don't know a mole or something you want it removed like if there's a part of you that doesn't seem right or you want it gone you don't want it to be on you or in you

or any of that so the idea that there's this old poop poop lining my intestines the same way that an old house's plumbing will be lined with goop in the plumbing. The idea of getting that out sounds good. How old do you think the oldest poop up there is? They say years. I believe it's not true. Because I've just seen pictures of the inside of a poop chute earlier today for my wife's, and there was no old poop up there. I have never sat down to take – okay, have you guys ever had White Castle? No.

Yes. There's a very, very distinctive poop smell after you've eaten White Castle, and the smell is exactly what it smells like when you're standing in a White Castle restaurant. It's exactly the same. Eat a bunch of – go out there, folks. If you're in the US, I guess in the Midwest or South where it is, get some, or I guess Crystal's more in the South, but you have White Castle there, right, Kyle? I go to Crystal.

Okay, same shit. Small little burgers with a lot of onion-flavored cabbage and thin poor-quality meat, but you eat a bunch of those, you take a poop exactly, you know, the next day when you normally poop, you take a shit, and you're like, okay, I had White Castle. It smells like a White Castle restaurant in here. Never four days later does a turd sneak out and once again I'm taken back to my days at the White Castle restaurant.

Never. That's never happened. It doesn't make sense. Taylor's evidence is pretty funny. That's not scientific. But it makes sense. I just saw pictures. You know the Ultimate Fighter?

For people that don't, it's a reality TV show put on by the UFC to find new fighters. And one of the fighters does a colonic to help him make weight. He feels like he can clean out his intestines and it's a nice way to make weight. He didn't make weight, by the way. It didn't work. He did not make weight. He put too many eggs in the colonic basket. I remember that. No, it's fine.

I'll be pooping this out tomorrow. I remember that episode well. I'm looking for a, oh, the poo man. I think that was Joe Lozon's season. It might have been. I remember I watched it when it was debuting. So I wouldn't have recognized Joe at all. But I do remember that. I remember thinking

this guy might have it figured out. Everybody else is dehydrating themselves. If he's got six pounds of poo he can just get rid of, that's an actual leg up. If he gets to keep three quarters of a gallon of sweat that everybody else has to lose, but

it turned out that that was just wrong and he didn't make the weight so the guy that did it his name was gabe rudiger he was on joe's season and joe later kicked his ass in in the octagon not not on the show i think but afterwards they fought and gabe had trouble making weight and joe mocked him relentlessly he had shirts that was like you know i love fighting like fat kid loves cake or something yeah it's like that guy loves cake yeah they made a uh shit i wonder if i could find it they made a um a youtube video like it's preparation for him and really mocked gabe rudiger a lot did you hear about cyborg uh turning down the two 145 title fights i did and

i thought her excuses are flimsy so very flimsy what is that about one was i forget i think she was hurt or something and it was very short notice and she said she couldn't make 145 okay no it was she no it was it was seven or eight weeks i think it was eight weeks she had on the first one the first one was gonna be holly home and it was gonna be like eight weeks. I think it was eight weeks she had on the first one. The first one was going to be Holly Holm, and it was going to be like eight weeks. And they're like, well, what excuse did she give on the second one? He's like, there was no excuse. She said she couldn't make the weight. I think you might be right.

Yeah. Yeah. There was no positivity to be found from Chris Cyborg's side of it. So I noticed you following the UFC a lot more closely than you did, say, a year ago, it seems. You are aware Dana White lies all the time. He lies to pressure his fighters into things. He lies

constantly. He does a good job of, they'll be like, hey, so this guy said this about you, and that guy said this about you. What is your reaction? He's like, hey, yeah, that's how we do it here. Everybody's vocal, and everybody gets to speak their mind, but in the end, the fighters fight, and everybody this about you what is your reaction he's like hey yeah that's how we do it here you know everybody's vocal and everybody gets to speak their mind but in the end the fighters fight and everybody gets paid and we go home happy you know he's got a real nice way of like spinning things uh he's good at

it and it's a it's it's a it's a different kind of spin it's not a political spin it's more of a like manly spin yeah he's just like hey we're on another level here don't you know we're fucking doing we We fight here. Problems like that, we don't even worry about. We got that. And it's like, but wait. We didn't really resolve where the truth was in that, but yeah. But he lies constantly, so when he says stuff, you have to

take it with a grain of salt. She replied. I forget what she said. I know for the eight weeks thing, she was like, I nearly killed myself to make 140. I've said I'm never going to take a fight unless I get 12 weeks again. I know for the eight weeks thing, she was like, I nearly killed myself to make 140. I've said I'm never going to take a fight unless I get 12 weeks again. That's how long her camps are, apparently, 12 weeks. Jesus. I think eight to 12 represents kind of normal, so whatever.

Well, all right. When I hear 12, I think, what is she trying to get out of her system in the next three months? Well, I don't think it's just that. It's also like getting in shape and full fitness and et cetera. It's not like you said. It's probably not 12 weeks of just weight cutting. It's, you know, let's start the running.

Let's start this and, you know, whatever. Some people do 12-week camps. What do I know? I think it's too long. I think you start working at that level for 12 weeks. And I think if you're hungry and you're in the position that she's in where she's always trying to make her case for why why am i not fighting look at me clearly i am the baddest female in existence why am i not ronda rousey getting movie deals i'm sure that's what's going on in her brain and meanwhile it's like well first of all you're cheating um second of all you

look like vanderlei silver in a dress second of all you look like vanderlei silver in a dress and and third of all you look like vanderlei silver in a dress like you look so that woman i bet her clit is big enough to rape me with that woman is on so much juice uh and and i've heard ronda talking she they're like asking ronda when when are you gonna fight her he's like she's like well as soon as she makes weight and stops taking fucking steroids they They're like, she takes steroids? Yeah, as soon as she stops taking fucking steroids. Yeah, look at her. She got caught for taking steroids. Yeah, I know that.

It's clear. You look at her. That's an unnatural female physique. I don't know how she passed. She's well tested in the UFC. She's been tested by USADA a lot. I don't know what's happening here. Not testosterone

then? They're putting something in her. I mean, fans talk about how unreliable the eye test is, and I get that, but dude, she's not coming close on passing the eye test. It's ridiculous. She looks like Hector Lombard or Yul Romero or something.

She looks like a man. Above man? I wish I looked like that. I would love to look like that. Her shoulders are so powerful. She looks like... She is strong in the areas that females are particularly weak. Her shoulders, her lats,

her upper body in general is very wide and powerful and strong. She has a very masculine look to her. I'm trying to google I can't believe I can't think of her name right now. We're sitting here talking about her. Chris Cyborg. Thanks.

Yeah. I'd like to see her fight a man if she's fucking cutting to 145 anyway. Let's let her fight Demetrius Johnson. Who really had all he could handle the other night that was a good fight I thought so I'm just getting people pictures of this woman

she is very strong yeah and she's not fat right a lot of times when you're like hey fighter cut to some lower weight that person has a little weight on them this woman is is ripped yeah the reason that she isn't anyone is because she's cheated so much as to make herself in the same category as men she could fight in some she's if she can't cut to 145 in eight weeks, if she's saying, I need 12 for physical conditioning, getting my mind right, and brushing up on whatever, boxing if it's Holly Holm or jiu-jitsu if it's Ronda Rousey or whoever or whatever, the real problem is I think that she's on something, and she needs to get off it before she can fucking be tested.

Maybe it's not steroids. Maybe it's not testosterone, but she's on something that is not natural yeah i well and the other thing is like she says she can't make 135 right now forever and i guess still now the highest weight class is 135 for women that that's the deal and she wants to make a flyweight class for her right yeah she must be working very hard to be that big and strong like it it's not that hard to drop muscle. Get a Netflix subscription. Sign up for CISO and watch all the cartoons.

Dropping muscle should be easy, and she's so strong. She can drop muscle and still be the strongest at 135. It just, she's obviously purposefully staying like that. And she could get smaller if she had to. 5'8", 145 is pretty outrageous. See, that's the other thing. If you heard that she was 5'10", you'd be like, ah, alright.

That makes sense, but she's 5'8", 145, and she looks like Vondale Silver in a dress, which honestly shouldn't impact her thing as a fighter, but I bet if Conor McGregor weren't a good-looking guy, he wouldn't be making as much money as he's making either.

Or clearly if he couldn't talk that well. Definitely. Conor's thing is... There's a lot of things that make Conor a superstar. That's how you become a superstar. He's amazing to watch. He's crushing people with that left hand, seemingly. Guys, he shouldn't be able to. He also talks a big game. He's amazing to watch, right? He's crushing people with that left hand, seemingly. Guys, he shouldn't be able to.

And he also talks a big game. He looks the part. He's a young, good-looking. The Irish thing is kind of cool to me. I kind of like that. It sets him apart. When you hear him talk in a crowd, you know it's him. He's a native English speaker. Sure. That's all. Oh, I hate the Brazilians. I got no interest in a Brazilian fighter at all

because I can never be on your team. Because as soon as Anderson Silva opens his mouth, you're like, ew. That's what he sounds like? And his English is a little better than some, right? Some. Oh, yeah. His voice is. The current 135-pound female champ, I think her name's Amanda Nunes.

Nunes? Nunes? Yeah, Nunes. Nunes, okay. She doesn't speak English or she barely speaks English. She speaks Portuguese, I guess. Brazilian, right? Yeah. So, it's not that I can't like a non-American champ.

It's just that you've got to be able to speak English for me to take an interest. Yeah, and even with a translator, it's really difficult to pick up on someone's personality and what they're like. You're just getting – it's like reading text. You have no idea about the emotion or which words they were putting emphasis on, what they even meant by what they said. Or even text. Like if you typed to me on Skype, then there's a certain like – people type on Skype in the same way they talk and I can almost read it in your voice. Yeah, there's a context often as well. on Skype in the same way they talk and I can almost read it in your voice. Yeah, there's a context

often as well. Yeah, when it gets translated from another language, usually through that skinny white dude, you know, like it has nothing to do with the fighter. She'll rattle on for like 45 seconds in Portuguese and he'll go she said it was a good fighter, opponent fought hard and she's happy to be here.

Like, really? Is that all she said? Because I bet she went on and on about the work she put in and how she respects her opponent and how, you know, he's probably meandered somewhere and he's just lazy. Yeah, it's... Yeah, non-English speakers, it's not... Whatever, but I'm just not going to be as big a fan of you

because there's a barrier there for me to get into where I don't get to know you, whereas I get to hear Conor McGregor talk in the ring, outside the ring, on TMZ, all that stuff. It's got a all that stuff and i got kind of an idea yeah sure yeah um in the same way and you know if john bones uh jones was uh italian even whatever i wouldn't hate him nearly as much it's it's because he speaks english that i got inside of who he is a little bit and i dislike him so much did you see uh did you see him with Joe Rogan? They did a podcast for like an hour.

I want to watch it all. Chiz sent me like one snippet of it. And I can't recall specifically what it was. But I was intrigued and I want to watch it all. But I think maybe it's an hour or so. But I'm going to. I'm interested. I watched it all.

And the steroids thing so one problem with the steroid thing is that it's really hard to be an expert in it right like you almost have to be a scientist or a pharmacist to know what's true and what's not it's a cutting edge science that's that's worth so much money to the people involved yeah we won't it's like it's like space technology there's no reason for us to know jail son and says he can look at a guy and almost tell you what he's taking i'm not that guy i can't do that so um john jones's story is he wanted something like like he worked out with this guy and this guy was like hey i can get all these drugs whatever and he was talking about vikadin this is john jones's story and uh in that that John was like no no I don't do any

of that stuff I'm sober he's like well I can get Cialis so he gave him something with John Jones thought was Cialis but it was actually like a no-name off-brand like gas station dick pill or something and and that had an estrogen inhibitor and that's how he did he. He was taking a dick pill. And Joe Rogan's like, you know, why were you even taking dick pills? Like you're a super healthy 28-year-old guy. He's like, Joe, I got a really big cock, which is a great line. Anyway, now there are other people on the internet, must be true,

who say that this particular estrogen inhibitor is really, really expensive. It's ridiculous to think that it would be in a Cialis ripoff. I'd love to know the name. We could Google it. And that they wouldn't put it in there because it's expensive. And you don't just throw in really expensive ingredients that aren't necessary or don't even form the function of a Cialis. That's not what it would do.

So why would they just mix in like a little gold with your frosted mini wheats like who puts fucking gold in their cereal like it's not a thing um i don't know but i do know that this estrogen inhibitor is used to like kickstart your system as you're cycling off of steroids and uh so i just don't know what to believe he seemed really credible when he was talking on the show but but he might just be a good liar. And I'll tell you, his buddy that told him he could get free stuff had a real performance-enhancing drug on the same work order that the dick pics came in on.

Well, they're talking about Clomid here, which is something I'm familiar with, but they're not specifically saying he was on it. There is some evidence that certain estrogen blockers such as Clomid may also increase testosterone production. I'm on the bloody elbow. But yeah, I remember when I was considering doing steroids long ago that the first thing I was doing was researching how the cycle worked

and how you avoided gynecom... What is it? Gyneplasty? Gynecomoplasty or something uh you know bitch tits and uh how you avoid getting bacne and losing all your hair and all the stuff that can come along with steroids and taking i think clomid is like uh for for uh women who were undergoing breast cancer treatment or something like that uh something about not letting their estrogen blow up but that was part of it and i actually ordered the clomid I bought it off the online I had it yeah I

had the clomid and I was going to get the the deanna ball the testosterone to go along with it I never did so he tested positive for hydro oxy clomiphene maybe that's clomid I don't know I'm gonna look up what Clomid's... Yeah. Anti-estrogen drugs are typically used in doping to counteract the effects of another illegal substance such as steroids. The Nevada Athletic Commission threw the book at him. They gave him the maximum sentence. Clomidphene. That's what it is.

That did not come out of a gas station pill. Mine came out of a fucking Chinese pharmacy. It's an expensive cancer-related drug. You're not getting that at the gas station. Yeah, that ties into what I read in the internet. So I don't know. I don't know. It seems like maybe he got busted for steroids.

I went to the PKA subreddit, and they were all giving me a hard time about saying that Jones wasn't the greatest of all time. But there's a lot of evidence to back up what I'm saying. Like some of his title Machado was at one 85. Chael Sonnen was a one 85 pounder. Vitor Belfort was a one 85 pounder. Quentin Jackson was sort of over the hill.

Shogun was kind of over the hill when they were fighting. That DC win is legit. I'm happy to deprive him of any and all fucking props. Because he's a cheater. Not just chemically, but I find the way he fights to be dirty and if not outright cheating it's that borderline cheating that most refs

will warn you four fucking times until you literally affect the outcome of the fight and then they'll be like, well, I guess that's how it goes. Those warnings don't add up to dollars or fight of the night bonuses or belts or any of that shit you can warn him all the fuck you want but if you don't knock some points off it's bullshit and in most of those fights the point doesn't matter because he's going to poke you in the eye for three rounds and then by the fourth round he's going to knock you the fuck out people throw stones at anderson

silva saying that like oh that division was weak at a time that he ruled it but it wasn't like 170 pounders stepping up like they were at least like you know the best 185 pounders in the world at the time john jones has a lot of title defenses against 185 pound guys stepping up 20 pounds and uh you know i don't know he's really legit he knocked a lot of guys out but um but i don't care to watch him fight anymore no matter how good he is i don't want to watch him fight if he's on an event it makes me less likely to watch it than more likely yeah i don't want to i don't care to watch him fight because i don't like his i don't even like his stance i don't like watching him fight i don't like his you watch somebody fight enough you know you kind of learn what's in their toolbox and what

they're likely to throw. They're going to throw the same kicks and similar combinations and it's kind of going to come in a similar order. I don't like watching him fight. He uses his length so much and in the same way that Anderson Silva could be really annoying to watch because of his evasive nature.

He's getting engaged. Instead of fighting, instead of like this, it's this. Yeah, hit like yeah hit me i'm back here no you can't fuck you fuck you come over here back over here where i am my hands are here though and of course he was he'd stay out of range and then um you know like mock you for not being like you know look i'm dancing i'm pretending i'm hurt i'm this i'm that i'm being a goof it's like no what you're really doing is just trying to like mask how inactive you are because you're a counter puncher and you're trying and also i'm sure like if i'm fighting someone i can't imagine but like if i'm in that ring and they start booing i'm highly

motivated to like you think i'm not good watch this this. I'm here to show off my skills so the next time I get a better showing or I'm on a better card or whatever, if they start booing, that's really hurting my feelings and everything that can be heard as a professional that's doing that. I want to go in and show them something now, and I feel like he plays into that as well. Yeah, and you're partly in the popularity business, right? Yeah, remember that fight where at the end, I remember he had the Burger King sponsorship shorts on, and at the end they're just booing so much because he stayed away the whole fight

and he didn't finish it when he could have. Was this Silva? Maybe it was Anderson Maia. It was Anderson Silva. Or Damian Maia. Damian Maia, maybe. Yeah, I don't recall who he was fighting, but it was just a shit fight,

and I remember at the end of it being like, anybody who paid for this did not get their money's worth. This guy's a clown. And then I heard he got half a million for the burger king shorts and it's just like ah what a fuck he's good at making money he's good at making money but the story is the uh the fertida brothers the people who own the ufc who just sold it or did they went to uh anderson silva's house and they were like damn apparently Anderson Silva's salary buys a bitching house in Brazil in Brazil yeah oh I bet yeah it's probably like like fucking Tony Montana going down to Columbia like you see all this you see all this Tony this is all mine yeah would you fuck me Tony

plus not all this money comes from the UFC like he's got sponsorships he was he was some people call him the goat there's a bunch of people you could call the GOAT. Jones is on that list, Fedor, Silva, GSP. Those are the main ones I can think of. And, yeah, anyway. Well, check out all of our – do you want to end it there? Please. Check out all of our sponsors down below.

Those are all wonderful, wonderful companies and or services, especially like Smart Mouth. I use that one every single day no matter what. Also, check out our poster that she's put together. I think that's a really cool item if you're a big fan of the show and that's something that you're interested in. And I think that's it. Thanks for our guest, Mark Ellis. All of his information down there. You want to check him out on Twitter?

Yeah, check him out. All right. PKA 312.