Painkiller Already - Painkiller Already #315

Episode Date: January 6, 2017

This week on PKA, comedian & tv personality, Steve Hofstetter joins the guys and they talk about hecklers, UFC 307 predictions and Taylor's run in with a phone call scammer.

We're live, Painkiller Ready, episode 315 with our guest Steve Hofstetter. Kyle? Yeah, several sponsors tonight. Squarespace, Seesaw, NatureBox, it appears, and a brand new one, Smarty Pants Vitamins. So we'll talk about each of those more later on in the show. There are links down in the description below if you want to check them out now. But yeah, let's just slide right into this 300, how many episodes is it now? 315.

It's a stylish podcast. All together. A lot of numbers. All right. Steve 300 how many episodes is it now 315 it's a stylish podcast all together a lot of numbers all right uh steve how are you i was watching your stuff before uh before the show started i'm uh i'm good you know just scrolling through facebook comments feeling bad about the world you know just how you spend the day yeah uh no No, things are good. I'm enjoying... I posted a thing today about how 2016 doesn't suck, you suck. Not you guys specifically. Right, right. My feelings weren't hurt.

People blaming their problems on a calendar is ridiculous. And it's fun to see people freak out about that. It's great. I actually read... Is it really that bad of a year? I read that entire post that you put up just as i was looking around and everything and i you're totally right about it at this point it's obnoxious that because current year or 2016 it's so crazy right like look at me i'm like i'm kind of virtue signaling showing that i'm not happy with the goings on around me

but also i'm super clever and funny. Like it's, it's not, it's, it's annoying as shit. It's so dead. As a comic, the thing that bothers me the most in the world is unoriginal opinion. And people just parroting things as if they're clever when they're the opposite of clever. It,

but it's like anyone who ever uses the word cuck as an insult, like the first three or four people good for you and then after that you are such a moron you're just repeating what someone else said you have no original thought and so that's part of what bothers me about the whole it's 2016 it's so bad it's like you know what your january is gonna suck too buckle up yeah nothing's gonna change i thought about that today uh it was like oh can't wait till 2016 is your January is going to suck too. Buckle up. Nothing's going to change. I thought about that today. It was like,

can't wait until 2016 is over. What magical ability do you think that calendars have to make all that you think is wrong with the world right now right? Carrie Fisher's coming back. That's not happening. All those things that you think made 2016 a terrible terrible year, they're just part of the world.

And I didn't think it was that bad anyway, right? There have been scarier, worse years, I felt like, for maybe global stability or job security. Like 2008, there were a lot of people who were afraid, afraid that the United States' economy was about to just really tumble. And then 2001, we're all in fear for our lives. I remember people in my local hometown, the United States' economy was about to just really tumble. And in 2001, you know, we're all in fear for our lives. I remember people in my local hometown,

they might fly a plane into the elementary school. They might do it. They might. And it's like, no, they might not. No. Well, I mean, maybe, but probably not. It would be a very dedicated terrorist corps if they start taking out elementary, primary schools. They're going to take out the agricultural barn.

It'll be a huge loss. Where did you grow up? Northeast Georgia. Yeah, yeah. The idea that the terrorists even know what that is is stunning. No, no. They came here once. I love the people who are saying, like, well, 2016 is the worst year ever.

I'd be like, well, that's because you were 15 in the last time there was a really bad year, which was a couple of years ago. Like, you don't remember what the other stuff was. The idea of like, there was a year where Martin Luther King and Kennedy were shot in the same year. Same year. One of those things is worse than most of what we've dealt with. And both of those things happen. And not only that, but people who are just like,

oh, well, but Trump got elected, so everything's going to suck. Be like, yeah, you know when it's going to suck? Next year. It's even worse about the year thing is you can see the writing on the wall already. When Betty White dies early in 2017, it's going to be the clear...

Hey, you take that back, you son of a bitch. Well, I didn't, I jinxed it then. She'll live forever. And when it's the next, beloved celebrity dies, it'll be... I can already see the stupid fucking low effort webcomic of like 2016 saying goodbye, and then like 2017 punching him in the stomach and being like, oh man, out of the frying pan, into the fire, am I right? You should copyright that t-shirt right now. The only celebrity deaths I care about at all are the ones that affect

properties that I'm in the middle of watching. Like, Guardians of the Galaxy 2 is about to come out, and they're about to wrap up that whole Marvel Infinity Stone business. If I were to lose a cast member now, I'd be devastated. But five years from now, I'd be devastated. But five years from now,

Robert Downey Jr. can do what he wants. He can go back on the Coke. He can have a fiery car crash. Whatever. Yeah, if anything, that would help like a reunion tour. All realistic possibilities. We need a new Iron Man. The old one crashed and burned.

I'll be honest. I was a big Tropicola Quest fan. I was upset when Fife died. When I was 20 years old, I worked for Bowie. I actually knew him. I was upset when heife died um i when i was 20 years old i worked for bowie i actually knew him i was upset when he died he was a great boss and super nice dude but at the same time you know when i was really upset in 2014 when my dad died right yeah okay yeah exactly that's what i actually knew but and you know what look i don't want to tell people how to grieve.

And if they get really upset because they have this special connection to Alan Thicke, okay. If they're a huge Growing Pains fan and now they're experiencing some growing pains of their own because of his passing, fine. I really like those hearing aid commercials. But to blame it on the – we can curse here, right? Oh, yeah. We're actually excited. Okay, so blame it on the fucking calendar, the we can curse here right oh yeah oh yeah okay so blame it on the fucking calendar you dumb okay sorry uh i was gonna get away carried away with the racial slurs though i saw you going there oh my god i was gonna say cracker i was gonna say it comes after dumb it's mostly it's mostly white people that have been doing this but the uh just the idea of like

someone posted on the comment on that thing that I wrote today about how like, you don't think 2016 was the worst year when a Nazi came to power? And I was like, how about in the 30s when real, actual Nazis came to power? Not someone who may or may not be

a metaphorical Nazi. He didn't come to power quite yet. It really kind of trivializes what the nazis were doing when you're so willing to be like hey that person's like a nazi and it's like really like who are they rounding up and summarily executing like make like like now trump's like all right now every you know muslim has to wear a gold patch with the moon and star sewn in like none of this is happening like you're really lessening the past. In fairness,

the whole every person of this culture has to register thing does smack a little bit of not Nazi, but at least a fan of them. Be like, I'm not one of you, but I enjoy your work kind of thing. Like someone who appreciates it.

Exactly. Someone who has for instance complimented many foreign dictators who are who are uh mass murderers and been like i like their style though the good you know they get uh it does it does smack a little bit of it but at the same time like put this in put this perspective. Like 1968 was a horrible year. But you don't want to go that far back. Exactly what you're saying. 2001 when 9-11 happened or 05 with Katrina or, you know, 07-08 when the economy collapsed. I remember having the conversation with a buddy of mine about like a real genuine conversation. And we're both very educated people.

real genuine conversation and we're both very educated people and having a conversation of like if we do go back into a great depression what will we do as comedians like what's the what do you think the role of the comic will be like not a fantasy like oh this happens what it was like literally let's make plans like that was what 2008 was and bread couple of breadline shows. What? Yeah, you go to the breadline with your tight five. You put on a show out there. That's what you do. It's actually not too far from what we came up with. What we came up with was that right now, like you go to a comedy club and the comic gets about two bucks a head

for everybody who, like, and the club gets the rest. So they're like, well, what we would do is we'd put a hat down in a park and we'd charge two bucks and we'd still get two bucks a head. We would be completely unaffected by depression. Really? It would just be not as glamorous of a scene. You know what? Look, we'd probably

get laid a little less, but otherwise, it'd be about the same. Or a lot more. You know, you just have to lower the bar. Yeah, but I mean, the price of contraception. I thought 2016 was very entertaining. I thought that we had lots of cool stuff on the news to watch. It was... What's the word?

It's not entertaining as much as... Dramatic! It was dramatic. It was a dramatic year. Lots of stuff was happening. Changes were taking effect. Big global powers were moving around and they still are. The Brexit thing and Trump, it's been almost... Revolutionary seems too far

to go, but it's been a mildly revolutionary year. If this were a TV show, this is a whole penultimate season. I see it as one of the same. It's a really cool thing to witness. Presidential elections for the last eight years have been whoever can pander to the Rust Belt more. They completely determine our leadership at this point. Do you think 2017 is going to be like the final season of a show where the creators have left and they're not showrunners anymore?

And then just someone who was like a fan of the show starts writing it? And just everything goes to complete shit? Oh, like that 80s show? Yeah. Oh, God. That would be awful be awful 2017 be a spinoff no it's uh my favorite part of the whole like 2016 was terrible is when people lump in harambe as part of that just the idea of like look no one wanted that gorilla to die but at the same time when people genuinely try to mourn, that's when I go, you know what, mourn however you want,

but shut the fuck up. That wasn't even one of those smart gorillas. No, it couldn't do sign language. It couldn't, you know what? They had a dumb fucking gorilla that died. No one is willing to say this. I'll put myself out there. Harambe had no marketable skills as a gorilla.

Apparently he was a half decent babysitter no before he died he wasn't on top five u.s gorillas by by popularity i'm not sure if that's true you can probably look it up i don't know if they rank them but never heard of him before and you know what if that gorilla killed little travis or whatever his name was i guarantee people wouldn't be saying 2016 sucks because little travis never made it back to preschool. Wasn't it awful the way Harambe peeled Travis like a banana while we all looked on? I want to know the people who are so upset about it. It's not just, hey, when's the

last time you went to the Cincinnati Zoo? When's the last time you went to any zoo? When's the last time you visited a robot? In my life, it's been like four trips and three of them were in fucking school. I went on a yellow bus. Yeah, it's not often I don't go because it's animal prison and I feel sorry for them. I feel genuinely sorry for those animals I went to a petting zoo ten years ago and my whole family got fleas from a fucking camel Yeah

I want every story to end that way And my whole family got fleas from a fucking camel. Yeah. All of us were just – I want every story to end that way. And every story could just be like, yeah, and then on election day the lines were a little bit long and then my whole family got fleas. Every one of us got fleas. What do you think gave you the fleas? It was a camel. I'm almost sure of it. You could see the camel was really suffering.

And he was one of our favorites. So we gave the camel camel a lot of attention. He's real itchy, kid. Gather round. I don't know why. He loves it. Yeah, yeah. Get in there.

Come close. Close. I know you have, but if you feed a camel, he has fingers for lips, and he kind of reaches out and takes the food from you in a way that you might not have expected. So we spent a lot of time just pumping quarters into that little camel camel feed machine and uh you were saying coming quarters into the camel no no he had no receptacle for that we saw and uh but the little food dispenser thing we were just pumping quarters into that feeding the camel and he gave us all fleas dick uh you should have known when it was like hey this is this is Itchy the camel.

Scratchy. Have fun. I really bonded with that camel in Texas that time. We were buddies. I think his name was Sushi. Didn't he bite your head? It nibbled. It was kind of a friendly thing where it's like munching on my hair and just like putting its head on my shoulder

and like really being personal like a big dog or something like that. It was really cool. And by the end of the day, I was asking like, so how much is a camel? Right. You know, he's like,

Oh, I got that one for my birthday. Eight grand. Can you believe it? And it's like, yeah, eight grand. Huh?

And then what does it eat? Like, like $50 a day. Oh, okay. No, no, I don't need that.

No, I can't imagine something you would regret more than a big camel purchase. Imagine waking up day three to whatever god-awful noise that thing shrieks in the morning. What if you bought Phantom Menace on DVD? Or, no, even more, what if you bought Phantom Menace on Blu-ray? That's probably regret that a great deal. Buy it on, what is it? Phantom Menace on Blu-ray? That's, probably regret that a great deal. Buy it on, uh, what is it? No, no, HD DVD.

Yeah, HD DVD. That's the one you regret. I'm just going to go get my HD DVD player on my plasma screen. Yeah, I was really fascinated by that camel. Like, just going to that ranch and everything and seeing all those exotic animals i still have this idea in my head of like really really really wanting to get some sort of an exotic pet or animal of some kind whether it's some sort of field grazing thing that i could put on my dad's place and they could just coexist with his cattle um like maybe a llama i don't fucking know or uh an alpaca or if or a kangaroo they had a kangaroo that was fucking cool or maybe

something like uh the the possum or the or the the the raccoon you know they could live in those like skitter around like i know this is my this is my first episode with you guys are those guns behind you yeah yeah okay i just think it's amazing that you're like i just would love to just love an exotic animal i would really enjoy taking care of it i think it would be really sweet then you have like a bunch of artillery behind you protect the animals from those from yeah from the bad animals those guns right closer than you think kyle can you touch that gun with your hand right is it just me or did it look like it was 15 feet away i was i didn't even see that one i was referring to the ones behind him on the other side guns those just in case this one doesn't work.

He's got a gun in front of him as well, just in case of a through-the-wall assault. Yeah, they bore through the wall sometimes. Those goddamn banditos. Those bad animals. Where do you live now? Georgia. Still Georgia, okay. Just making sure'm glad you're you're armed to the teeth i can get you from here though it doesn't matter where are you steve are you in california

uh yeah i'm in la i'm getting that vibe about you the the uh the progressive nature and the me thinking that four assault weapons in one room is weird. We prefer death routines. There's a lot more than four. Sorry, four that happen to be on camera, not even purposefully. Yeah. I keep my guns off screen, but mainly because of like an inferiority complex that they're not as cool as Kyle's guns. Yes.

I'm not going to bring one of my guns and be like, hey, look at this. This is a really cool handgun I just got. And Kyle will be like, oh, yeah, that's great. Yes! I'm not going to bring one of my guns and be like, hey, look at this. This is a really cool handgun I just got. And Kyle will be like, oh yeah, that's great. Is that like the 2008 edition? I've got six of the new ones. I didn't even open

the last three fucking, right? And it's like, how awesome is a loser? Here's the thing though. Kyle, how many hands do you have? Two, but I've got really long toes

so I've trained myself to fire a handgun with my right foot at this point. Okay, so three guns make sense for you then four with time Well you see each one does a different thing like this is a long-range suitcase gun So I can take this one apart if it's right into a suitcase it folds all up, and it's got a it's a suppressor That that that wasser 10 ak-47 style thing there. It's my slide fire when it's not fully automatic

It's to sort to demonstrate the stock. I think that's a 300 blackout M4 carbine. That's my silencer gun. That one's real quiet at night time when we're shooting coyotes. That one's my battle rifle. It's got a 50 round.308 magazine and probably some kind of optic on it.

50 round.308. That is a lot of.308 ammo. I'm a weirdo. I spend my money on cars and women. Well, that's a big mistake. Yeah, I mean, I should be spending all of it on 80,000 guns.

How many cars do you have? Cars and women are both depreciating assets. You know, that's true. That's why you rent cars. But no, I guess mainly i spend my money on travel i didn't realize that i i guess if you spend your money on guns you can then take someone else's money to spend on travel see that's that that's what's eventually going to happen when the whole world comes apart we've got that whole uh like anarchy in the street you can steal their useless money money. Everybody else is stockpiling water and food.

You really want guns and ammo so you can take the water and food. You're showing up to Costco with like a wheelbarrow Weimar Republic style amount of money that you stole from random people. During the great recession, when Steve was talking with his friends about what he and his fellow comics would do,

I was genuinely wondering if guns would play a bigger role in my life. Like, you know't well i need one for a subway not that i take subways well you're like will people take guns grocery shopping will people like i thought you meant i thought you meant like subway sandwiches no i meant that the underground trains at the time but i thought you meant like would i need one to get a sandwich and i was like that probably i didn't know like i really wonder i'm reading like what happened in argentina decades before when they had their big recession and and how you know bigger role guns playing they're like i was wondering it turned out the economy rebounded

and stocks did really well yeah it's coming though really really bad for people to shoot you over a foot long turkey i don't think so i think it takes like two days where like the power's turned off you can't get food and water you can't take a shower like two days of people being dirty and hungry and and somebody's gonna pull out a gun and start taking things and like a weekend and it's it's walking dead time yeah they say i i actually i wouldn't i wouldn't disagree with that because of how like I have very little faith in humanity and people as a whole. Look at Katrina. Look, every time we have a disaster where like the systems of government and the things that keep people in check are just no longer there or they've crumbled and collapsed or they've lost respect, it really turns into anarchy quickly.

It depends on the neighborhood. That's true, yeah. It really does because it happened in Houston or somewhere in Texas too, and nothing happened. And 9-11 hit New York. It was chaos. They, like, held hands and sang and shit. Yeah, I was there.

But there wasn't, like, looting or anything. Yeah, I mean, that's true. But at the same time, I think that, you know, it depends on when it is and how quickly the message gets out. Like, with 9-11, we were given an enemy very quickly. And when you're given an enemy, you unite. When your enemy could be each other, that's pretty different. When the power goes out and the fight isn't al-Qaeda or oil or global interest, it's bread and clean water.

Or more realistically, like, 50 gallons of diesel fuel and that big bag of canned goods. You know? Yeah, when your enemy becomes a podcaster with 4,000 guns, I mean, it's a different world. That's why you want that guy as an ally.

Yes, exactly. Absolutely. I'm very glad I'm a guest on this show. Yes, we're going to rendezvous at Kyle's house. When I'm warlord of Georgia, I'll remember your name. When Kyle is the chieftain of northern Georgia and you have to pay homage to pass through his turf

Mad Max style, your guy on the fucking bungee cords playing guitar, or what? Harmonica, since it's Georgia. Three women or a barrel of fuel! Three women or a barrel of... You really devalued women even more in this assignment. Fuel is so nice now!

Fuel is so nice now! Yeah, maybe that's complimenting women because of how valuable fuel is. You can't trade any men for fuel in this apocalyptic world. The unwanted men will have their limbs hacked off and sold on a meat cart somewhere.

We hadn't really defined the exchange ratio until just now, unless you did. Well, there would be. It would be a big cost to pass over the bridge that we control here in North Georgia. Maybe you can trade men in LGBT chieftain-dom, but not in all the other ones

because nobody's going to be paying for men. I don't think anybody's ever going to pay for men again. Men are free, as it turns out. If they get food and water on that side. I just thought I'll have

Woody on my team as Nightwing. He'll be circling the skies, radioing down to me, letting me know where the enemies are it'll be great they're gonna shoot my ass right out of the sky slow moving 25 miles an hour it's so easy I can shoot me

I'm just an average shot for your benefit Woody has this contraption with a big fan on his back where he takes off into the air behind a parachute he's like an amateur airman. It weighs like 45 pounds, so you don't need a pilot's license or anything.

He just takes to the sky. You just run real fast, catch air, and then fly away. How high can you go with that? The highest I've been is like 3,000 feet. A guy I know just went 15,000. 3,000 feet. A guy just went 15,000. 3,000 feet with that thing? Oh, yeah. One of these days I'm going to just decide to go higher.

I don't know. We'll never see him again. I've never been 10,000 feet. I'm going to go see what that looks like. And one of these days PKA will show up as in memorandum. We'll just play somewhere over the rainbow, TKA will show up as in memorandum, you know? Yeah, we'll put a video from Woody, and we'll just play somewhere over the rainbow, over the video of him going higher and higher

until the camera's full. Yeah, that big, fat Hawaiian guy, you know, kind of superimposed over his, you know, gym. I was trying to think of his name, and I just kept thinking of Eni Kamos, the guy who did Here Come the Hot Stepper. I was like, that's not... Yeah, it's like Israel Kamawaka Waki Mahia.

It's a super long last name. But less hot steppering. Yes. Yeah, I need something to do with my guns. I've been looking into... There's this company that makes this whole, like... I don't know. It's a system made to hold guns. Like the slots and...

It's not pegboard because that's lame. That doesn't work well. But it's this hard plastic stuff that's made to fit specific types of firearms and everything. Doesn't Ikea sell that? Yes. Yes.

They do. Isn't that a flaw? They should. That would be good. good but no not quite i i need somewhere to put them though i i got nowhere to put them right now i've got my vaults full and i i've got another vault that i could bring the vault is different and i think you're right okay but it's a large safe yeah it's a cabinet safe i think someone referred to it i don't know maybe it becomes a vault you need a vault like just suck it to the ground the room you're in quarter inch steel on every wall with a big thick door blast proof perhaps like a magazine for explosives like that's so my my post-apocalyptic skill i

don't have the weapons and i can't uh i don't have a weird jetpack-y thing. But I can build stuff. Like what? I could build you a cabinet for your guns in order to pass through safely when I need to go through northern Georgia, warlord. Do you do a lot of woodworking? I do, a decent amount. I built the table I'm sitting at right now.

And just yesterday I built a my dog's getting older so he can't jump up on the bed anymore so I built like a little cubby thing that he can use as a step I built that for a friend I do some woodworking too and I had a friend actually come over with the exact

same problem set I think actually his dog wasn't old but he got a new bed that was ridiculously tall like rib cage high and uh we built him like a couple of steps in the end the thing weighed like 60 pounds you could drive a car on it like i totally overdid it but i was i was hoping that because when you were like i built that for a friend to be like oh your friend couldn't get into his bed no he was fine but his dog was small and his bed was big and Yeah, I think it's a pretty common problem.

And I also had this giant bookcase. And I recently, I'm a pretty minimalist when it comes to my stuff. And so I don't like to keep things I don't use regularly. So when I read a book, I get rid of it. Because putting it back on the shelf to never read again, to me, is kind of pointless. had this big bookshelf and yeah it's it's like look at this I'm literate like yeah we we get that from a couple books you don't need all of them and so uh so what I did is the only books I keep are the ones that like have personal significance to me like something that I contributed to or like someone autographed to me or something like that and so like I made like

a little mini bookshelf, a really small one, so that it doesn't take up an enormous, unnecessary amount of space in my room. So my point, what I'm saying is, I'm going to live through the apocalypse based on woodwork alone. Yes, a Jewish carpenter in tough times. That'll work.

Where have we heard this before? I'm sure you'll be able to bring together some people around you. At least 12. Wow, he could be his own chief. A dozen or so. Yeah, a dozen or so. A dozen.

So what, like, if you're actual, you know, making the cabinets is great once you get settled in to your post-apocalyptic abode. Like, what could you see yourself, you know, in the moment? You're in trouble trying to survive. Like, what can you fashion, you think, pretty quick? Do you quittle something? Do I still have my miter saw? Oh, yeah. Sure. I can make a couple of spears pretty quickly. That's what we'll need

if we don't have Kyle there with his guns. Spears are a close second. He brought spears to a gun site. You want a spear just in case. Do you know how to make ammo? Yeah. You know how to make your own ammo yeah it's not hard oh never mind then that there goes my point i was like well because you'll run out of bullets and then and i was like i'm so smart with my spears and you're like no i can totally make ammo

well you still probably want to spear for a rainy. But how about the whole package, Kyle? Could you make gunpowder? Could you make primers? Yeah. I know a guy who's – yeah. My chemist buddy in Texas was just showing me. He was like – he was talking about this very scenario. He's like, you know, those old boys always talk about, oh, if they take this away, then we won't be able to do that. They take that away, I won't be able to do this.

He's like, and that is gun cotton. He's like making nitrocellulose able to do that. They take that away. I won't be able to do this. He's like, and that is gun cotton. He's making nitrocellulose or something like that. He's like, and now we just, and we're gunpowder. All right, there we go. Now we got our gunpowder. Now we can make bullets. So with a little chemistry, you could actually make gunpowder from scratch. But that wouldn't be necessary because I got a bunch of gunpowder saved up. And I don't know how many primers for AR-15s.

Speak for yourself. It took me two years to pass chemistry. Yeah, you really got to hope, apparently. Kyle, you really got to hope that your Texas buddy lives. Yes. Oh, he'll live. He's scarier than me. He will be warlord of Dallas.

He'll be one of the major warlords. Four women and a goat! Wow, we've really devalued women. Oh, was it an end? And a goat! They don't need oil in Dallas. They've got plenty. They just want four women and a goat. I heard

or goat in my head, and I was like, well, now we know the exchange rate of women to goats. No, that's like, in future talk, that's like ice cream sundae with a cherry on top four women and a goat yeah because you don't need the cherry but like you want the cherry you want that yeah the goat is like a good faith thing like you make the goat watch you make the women oh this went to a place i was not expecting what do you think we're gonna do with the goat i thought you were gonna eat the goat do you think we're going to do with the goat? I thought you were going to eat the goat.

I mean, after we're done with it. Oh, jeez. We've got to tenderize it a little bit first. I really like that version of Native Americans not letting anything go to the waist. Oh, this is perfectly good goat, asshole. Every part of the goat.

And there's no Twitter for people to judge me on. You know? We fuck every part of the goat for people to judge me on you know we fuck every part of the goat i think social media will survive the apocalypse i think i think there'll be some sort of form of righteous indignation there's got to be somewhere for for people to pretend to be offended by things it's just people screaming in the streets then. You need a town crier to voice your opinion at that point. The people post their replies to on index cards.

I think the same people like the people who get so upset and offended and scream their opinions on Twitter, if they just yell out into the street, that's about the same number of followers that they have. Or at least the followers that are listening. Yeah. I even have a joke about this happening to me once that like someone wrote that they didn't like one of my videos and i looked them up on like there was on their twitter

and i clicked onto their twitter to see who they were and they had one follower and so i just wrote back and i said you didn't need to tweet that. You could have just told someone. Anyone. Yeah. Anyone at all. As you're ordering it. I've got this sudden urge to like dress up as an egg and heckle you in real life. Oh my God. Like an actual egg.

Like a Twitter noob. Yeah. That'd be great. I love that. But you have to, you can, you have to dress up as an egg with a fluorescent background. A blue one. Right. Perfect. Yeah. Oh. A blue one, right. Perfect.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, the amount of people who are outraged by things that they hadn't heard of until just then is amazing. I want to sit these people down and just be like, so what is it about this that upsets you so much? What is it that bothers you about the thing that you just misspelt like what's the a good example of this just kind of in general all the i have but hurting so many you know harambee was definitely one um but like okay uh here the people who are outraged that Obama didn't go to Nancy Reagan's funeral

and they were like this is un-American and it's like do you know that no sitting president has ever gone to a first lady's funeral in history once ever but he should have gone like you stupid piece of shit

so it's like stuff like that where like they get upset about something that they know nothing about you should have gone. Like, you stupid piece of shit. Yeah. So it's like stuff like that, where like they get upset about something that they know nothing about. Just because it already kind of fit in. Or they're like, well, I already didn't like Obama, so that seems like something he'd do. I bet, you know, George Bush was loving it

at fucking Eisenhower's ex-wife's death or whatever. No, probably not. George Bush loved to go to women's funerals yeah he was the bell of the ball you know that didn't sound like you wanted to sound um yeah but there's i mean there's a lot of stuff like that and it's not just it's not just political it's people it's people getting upset like the thing that i try to remember, so I'm a big sports fan, and every year in the NCAA tournament, the 16 seeds and the number one seeds. So every year, and this is millions of people, and 1% to 2% pick the 16 seed to win. Now, the 16 seed has never won ever in the history of ever.

It's never happened. Yet, every year, a million people, independently of each other, without consulting each other, all go, I think it'll happen. And that's, like, when I think about that, and I know it's trivial, but when you think about that and you just go, yeah, people are fucking dumb. Yeah, I think the Blues could win the Stanley Cup every year, but yeah, lo and behold you know I'm just fucking dumb But look a million people aren't like aren't picking you know Hampton University or whatever it is and sorry i'm moving now i gotta feed my dog um but like they're not picking them because they're fans of the team like st louis has actual fans like there are people who live in st louis i've heard there are yeah yeah yeah

i actually spent a great deal of time in st louis anyway like google fiber right what that's now kc has google fiber so you uh you spend time in st louis steve yeah yeah i've been to st louis a bunch i've done a bunch of shows there a very good friend of mine uh is a professor at wash u so i've been there you know just to kind of visit and hang out sometimes um but anyway point being that like like that kind of stuff i get it's you know look i'm a mets fan i know they're not gonna win most years but at the same time that hope is fun but the idea that someone will bet money on it is that that to me is like okay there are people who are dumb yeah yeah i've never bet on sports before i don't because if i bet on like i would always want to

bet against the blues winning as some kind of like weird fuck you universe like please like like take my money just let them win kind of things you believe that the universe hates you i don't know it's just i'm a blues fan there's a bit of evidence there is supporting evidence thus far yeah so so long being good enough to be relevant and never enough to bring it home when's the last night last time they won the cup never ever oh no i knew that i just wanted to make sure you said it i've never you i have been sitting because being from st louis you have a ton of friends from chicago i went to mizzou and so they were all there, and we'd watch hockey games.

And so much I'd want to talk shit if, like, a regular season game, the Blues were whooping ass, like 8-2 or something. But I never would because I'm like, no, you just can't because this little fleeting joy will turn to ashes in your mouth, and they will score nine goals in the last three minutes of this game. You'll get in a car accident on the way home or whatever i just i'd never talk shit until they win a cup when they win a cup i'll talk shit i've seen this in action i saw this in action while trump was winning right trump is currently carrying like michigan wisconsin and pennsylvania and

something else ohio and taylor's like i I don't know. I bet he still finds. I just look, I don't get things I want. And therefore, Trump will lose. That's how it went down that night. I was like, God damn it. Hillary's going to win. She's going to be the president. And then the whole time it's like, ah, no.

Like, I even bought into like, no, she'll win. Like, for sure. She's got it. Like, no way. But anyway, about the hockey thing i was looking at when you worked with the kings right it was them that you worked with specifically i know i did a little i did a little stuff for the kings but i actually did more with the rangers so the rangers are uh the rangers are my favorite team and i got to do a like i was the quote-unquote

celebrity blogger uh for the rangers when alicia cuthbert was a celebrity blogger for the Rangers when Alicia Cuthbert was a celebrity blogger for the Kings and so I spent my blog just trying to get Alicia Cuthbert's attention like all I did I just kept posting like every time I mentioned the Kings in it I would write hi Alicia in parentheses and like then at the time she was dating Avery, and he got traded to the Rangers midseason. Sean Avery? Yeah. And so I was like, oh, well, perfect. I'm going to just write about this.

And now she's got to read this. It's about the Rangers. It's about Avery trade. This is who she's sleeping with right now. And nope, still didn't get her attention. She did not write Hi Steve in her blog at all. That's got to be disappointing. When that story came in, you're. That's got to be disappointing.

When that story came in, you're like, she has to respond now. Yeah. My ace in the hole. I got this. I did not have this. That'd be really cool. So what, did you get inside passes to go to games on ice level or anything? Well, for that, it was supposed to be the perspective of a fan. So I didn't want to have any behind-the-scenes stuff.

But what's really cool is now, so basically the second I got a TV show, I started abusing that power to go to sporting events in crazy ways. As you do. So for baseball, I've thrown out 21 ceremonial first pitches. And for hockey and basketball so i'm a nixon rangers fan and msg actually has a really great like kind of celebrity outreach program where they invite people to games and so i do probably two ranger games and two nicks games a

year where you get to go as a guest of the garden and that is that's an experience like nothing else that's one of those things that you there's no way to pay for it like you can't you can't pay you can't buy it you just have to get invited and it's it's amazing to be a part of and as someone who grew up like a poor ass motherfucker in new york it's kind of fun to like be sitting in the row in front of the guys who paid two thousand dollars for their seats like that's kind of enjoy that yeah that's awesome it'd be really cool to work with the hockey world some i know baseball is like your first love absolutely right yeah yeah i'm a i'm a huge baseball fan i mean i like i like other sports as well but baseball is my thing kyle loves baseball yeah for what what's actually true

is that no one else on the show has ever played baseball or watched a baseball game before for more than an hour and so t-ball and so somehow i become the resident baseball expert it's just like i haven't watched a full game in two years like like like i like baseball i guess but you know i can name the teams but but like i i don't love baseball or anything i i i like it more than most sports i just don't like sports in general that much i guess i love the idea that the qualification for being like a big baseball fan is knowing what teams are exactly yeah that's how low the bar is set here that's what i'm trying to get across here like like they somehow i become the resident baseball to be fair you do have way more experience than us playing baseball so you understand the sport better i would definitely yeah yeah i know the

rules too i'm a real expert a real like yeah i wish i liked the uh i wish i liked baseball as a sport because the cards would be really comforting most of the time in that way. But God, I started with hockey growing up. That's what I played. And so it's hard to go back to baseball. So I knew that last night. It's just a different pacing. I knew that last night the Flyers, which I suppose would be Woody's team,

and the Blues, Taylor's team, were going to be playing each other for what I think was the first time of the year. Turns out game didn't happen. It happened at 8 p.m. I don't know where Woody was. But it came on. And I gotta be completely honest here. NBC

S or whatever I'm watching it on, instead of commercials, they play this piano tune. Like, it put me to sleep about five minutes into the first period, and I woke up just as the third period was about to start. But it didn't seem like I missed too much because the third period seemed like the good part of the game, right? Like, the Blues – it seemed like the flyers quickly tied it up like three three and then the blues went on a run there and scored like three goals or something right yeah the blue scored four in the third period it was two two going into the third and then

blue scored four fabry 20 year old robbie fabry got a hat trick which is really neat really makes you evaluate where your life is when you look at a guy and be like i i'm older than him, and if I passed him in public, I'd look at him and be like, ha-ha, look at that guy's stupid haircut. What a boob. And it's like, no, he's making a lot of money. I feel he's 20. Can't even drink yet, and he's got a million dollars to spend on it. I'm only like a Bartolo Colon retirement away from being older than every baseball player.

That's crazy. I'm 37. Well player i'm 37 well i'm 37 and so they're probably i guess they're probably 10 or 15 guys in the majors right now older than me um not a single one on my favorite team uh it's a little it's a little bit weird it's one of these things that like like i've gotten you know a chance through work. I've gotten a chance to kind of get to know a couple of the players. And I forget sometimes because to me, standing next to these guys, I'm like, oh, this guy is a man. This is what an actual man looks like. I am a boy.

I am a child. And then I'm like, he is 15 years younger than me. He is a baby. I was learning to drive when his parents were fucking. I remember, right? I am one day younger than Eric Lindros.

Throughout my 20s and such, I would compare how our careers and lives were going. That's healthy. I was never good. Oh, I got a promotion at Cisco? All- time leading points defenseman shit you picked the wrong person

to compare yourself you want to set the bar a little lower you want to pick that hair lip kid in gym class compare your life you get those two trajectories going Matt you got drafted in the sixth round that year compare it to that guy I would just be like alright alright

I got a bonus at work he's a multi-millionaire and he sits in clubs and just points at girls he wants to fuck and then does but he has concussions and i can remember yesterday so i've got that going on yeah but your yesterday was not something yeah you tell that to him he's like who'd wanted to remember. Not memorable, yeah. You tell that to him, he's like, who'd want to remember your yesterday? Well, I mean, I can remember standing in line at the post office and asking for customer service

for my Chase debit card and whatever the fuck you're doing. Yeah. I found gas three cents lower than normal to fill my Chevy Cavalier station wagon. That was a that was a highlight a good day younger than yager aren't you i yager will be 40 yes yeah it would be he was in high school or i was yeah isn't everyone younger than yager oh yeah uh both people on his

line are younger than him in that like he was in the nh before they were born yeah oh my god a side-by-side comparison between Austin Matthews the guy who scored four goals in his first game and Jager like those comedy ones and it was this guy like you know achievements you know 1997 born and Jager it was two Stanley Cups 270 goals you know the six-time all-star it's like old enough to be your dad's older mentor like i don't want to see him retire that's going to be sad there was a there was an amazing thing it was one of the most impressive and also sad things i've seen where he posted jagger posted on his instagram this picture of it was basically like him working out it was like five in the morning

and it was something it said something like you know uh you know don't have a family don't have anywhere else to be you know like this is why i'm able to do this and it was both like very impressive that like he's got the motivation that can do that and also like oh he seems he seems a little sad i read that exact post and like maybe it was that same post from another interview where he was saying, they're like, what do you want to do life after hockey? And he was like, honestly, I want the time between my retirement and my death to be the shortest part of my life, like compared to his growing up and his career.

Well, it will be, I think. He's like 47 now, right? But, yeah, if he keeps playing by default. That might actually happen. Yeah, unless he lives to 90-something. Yeah, he's got a few years left. You heard it here first. Jarmer Jager has asked someone to mercifully kill him.

I hope. But, yeah, it is sad to see a guy who has everything also doesn't really have that much. And you know that he does think about stuff like, oh, maybe I would have liked having his son. So I watch him be in the NHL, as seems to happen with all athletes. They just come in some chicken,

and there's another athlete. And that's the way it goes. That is the recipe, actually. Yeah, yeah. That is. It's athlete cum plus woman. Equals another athlete. Athlete, yeah woman equals another athlete. Athlete, yeah.

No, but here's the thing about being Jaramir Yager. If you really wanted to, he could just find some, like, 17-year-old, like, up-and-coming hockey player and just be like, I would like to adopt you. It's like no one would stop him. His parents would be like, all right, here you go. Here's Jimmy. You got him. I'm really sorry, mom and dad. Thanks for putting me through school, but I'm Jimmy Yager now.

Don't ever speak to me or my dad again. I mean, if Yager came up to me and offered to adopt me, I'd have to write a really sad email to my parents. That's what Liv Tyler did, you know. Really? So Liv Tyler was raised by like uh her stepdad or something like that a man she thought was her father and then like when she's a teenager or something kind of mid-life as it were she found out that steven

tyler is her fucking dad fucking arrow smith so she was like fuck that other guy he's not fucking steven tyler's my daddy and she like completely like cut that other guy. He's not fucking Steven Tyler's my daddy. And she like completely like cut that guy off as part of her life. And, and, you know, now, now she's, now she's an elf princess. That's, I mean, it's a pretty good trade off. I think so. Like I got a twirl shit on that decision. It's like, ah, she traded up.

If you get an opportunity to choose your parents, be ruthless about it. Right? Yeah. You got herself a new dad. Rich and famous parents hook you up nice. I think she did a favor. If she really cut him off, I think she did a favor to that guy because if she was going to try to split time between them,

how is he going to compete? Yeah, yeah. Let's be realistic. Just be like, you know. Who do you want to spend weekends with more, Steven Tyler or like regular dad who's like a fucking like baker or something. Yeah, be like, you know, regular dad, Steven Tyler cuts the crust off the grilled cheese

and also gives me a limo. Yeah, regular dad takes you to play laser tag and you have to wait in too long of a line, you know, because your dad isn't Steven Tyler and Steven Tyler would never take you, you know, laser tagging and, you know, she's sitting there playing, trying to pretend that she's having fun. But that resentment's building. You're not Steven Tyler, you fuck.

You don't have any money. Useless. See, she probably thought of him. You cuck. She probably thought the first one. The first one to think of that. You know, she posted that. That was the one.

That was the one. The inception of that ridiculous joke. It's Liv Tyler's insult. Liv Tyler. You know what? Fuck you. I'm going to go live with Aerosmith guy and get a job

at Lord of the Rings. I'm looking forward to, by the way, finding out what the next Cuck is because it's like every couple years the go-to insult changes.

Mm-hmm. You know where Cuck came from, right? Cuckold. You know where the origin of that insult? It was like something about like a louis ck bit right i don't think so i didn't know that no um is it means barry sanders what the

fuck is his name the president bernie sanders thank you yeah so bernie sanders wrote something in college that if you squint at it just right could be considered cuckold porn and they started calling bernie sanders a cuck all the time and uh then it just spread into calling any liberal a cuck what did he write all right i think it came all right i'm looking this up i'm looking up origin of cuck when you look at the trends like a year from now the the cuck surge is going to be one of those like neat ones like a culture wave like oh see that's what people got really upset on it was the it was the uh zoe quinn thing and what is that um it was this whole it was this whole thing with uh um it was uh god how do you pronounce the name?

Aranjoni or whatever. Let me try and remember this. It was like a Gamergate thing. Oh, okay. And so he talked about like, yeah, and then it came and then there was the

Louis CK thing where it was like a 4chan thing. Because some people thought he was promoting being anti-white that Louis CK was promoting that? yeah I mean that sounds like him you know like vehemently

anti-white yeah he's it's just one of these things like I and I don't know if you guys have alt-right viewers or listeners. If you do, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that assholes enjoy you. Like, alt-right people are fucking terrifying. Like, the idea, like, look, be conservative.

That's fine. I'm not conservative, but I respect some people who are, and that's fine. But the idea of people who go to conventions and do the Heil Hitler salute and then think that they can lead a normal life and be a regular person. Fuck off, you asshole. You're an idiot. I know who you're talking about.

There's that one guy who speaks at colleges and stuff. The guy who was doing the fucking... No, no, not Milo. Milo's not that bad milo's i haven't seen him do a hitler salute and he hasn't done the hitler salute and gay like but his crowd doesn't i haven't seen that but i've specifically seen that one guy on stage you know hail donald trump hail our glory you know and it was just like way over the top it was way way way too much like first of all, that salute. Get away

from that. At least do some sort of Vulcan thing so we know it's not exactly the same. Update it. Put a peace sign out there. Anything is better than... That definitely gets you far away from it. I've been Googling. There's a lot of evidence to support

what I said. Bernie Sanders apparently wrote an essay in 1972 as a college student that could be described as cuck porn. How did he, wait, this is an assignment or he just on a whim? I don't know. He was in school at the time. I went to this Know Your Mean thing and that's where the origin was. Or that's where

it said. One of you could be looking at fake news. That's what I worry about because the sites I look at are like Jezebel.com. I've never heard of that then there's answers.yahoo.com that's just regular people yeah um but no but this is this is regular people they couldn't possibly know the etymology of cuck before anyone gave a shit about bernie sanders like this was like the uh the zoe quinn thing was 2014 when did so when did cuck start right in 2014 i don't know i was sure i was right until just now like i know you know what it might be but either way the my point is however it started it was creative when it started and then it just became a thing

like okay because you go back you go back 10 years ago and the go-to insult was faggot like that is that is what dumb people would use to insult someone and it was such it was such a shitty insult because like okay either you're calling someone who's gay gay and then who cares or you're calling someone who's not gay gay and then it's what does that matter it'd be like if someone it'd be like just using calling someone who's not gay gay and then it's what does that matter it'd be like if someone it'd be like just using calling someone short as an insult it's like well if they are they know they are and if they aren't then what the fuck's the point of saying that like it's a characteristic you can't change about yourself so who the fuck cares be like if someone came over to me was like you fucking dumb blonde asshole like wait what this is more confusing than mean

and so so like and it was that for a while and you know and now it's now the same thing it's like the same people use cuck as the insult and so I'm just curious what's gonna what's gonna come next I think that a big part of using cuck as an insult though is to let all the other people in

the crowd know what team you're on, right? Like, if you call somebody just by me calling, yeah, you fucking cuck, you would think that. Then, like, anyone around me who might have similar feelings immediately knows what team I'm on. Like, immediately we can kind of, like, coalesce together and turn towards those people over there that we don't like. Sure, I i mean you could just wear a jersey that says ignorant prick i find it to be a disadvantage right because if you call me a cuck then really you're saying a lot more about you than you are me right absolutely that that's what you've done you've just said especially when you misspell it i how could you misspell it

it's for it it's phonetic oh come on i you're on youtube how can you misspell it? It's for, it's phonetic. Oh, come on. You're on YouTube. How can you misspell anything? I just, that is one word that I, like if I had to pick, if there's a challenge, like name a word that all the internet has to try and spell. And if it's over 99%, you get a million dollars. I think if it had to be at least four letters, I think cuck or fuck. You know, cuck if it can't be a curse word, because I think everybody's seen that enough. Well, that's an abbreviation, but if they try to spell cuckold, they often misspell it. The internet's full of

misspellings, though. Like, people are fucking stupid. Yeah. There are a lot of, like, borderline illiterate people out there. We're always saying it. My favorite thing is I have a video where in the video, I talk about it being negative 60 degrees,

and someone yells out, was that in Celsius? And so at the end of the video, one of the things I say is that negative 60 in Fahrenheit translates to negative 51 in Celsius. And there, every couple of weeks, an argument will sprout up in the comments about what negative 60 in Fahrenheit is in Celsius. And it's like you're writing this on a computer you're writing this on a machine that has the answer to that question yeah but it's not about the answer it's about that other guy doesn't know the right temperature and everybody's gonna see me as oh look at you know goose lover 69

when I need a temperature question answered he'll be the guy like but first of all goose lover 69 knows a great deal about temperature because he hasn't in order to love the goose correctly but aside from that i i'm more talking about the people who get it wrong and who not only get it wrong but who are like passionate about it you know what i mean like it really matters to them. It matters to them so much, except bothering to look it up. You don't even have to go to a fucking translator. You could just, in Google. Google will

just tell you. Google will tell you. You can put math equations into Google, and it'll just tell you. Anything you want to know. There has been no excuse for, like, piddling ignorance for, like, a decade now and yet you see it on a daily basis like sometimes it gets overkill though where like where you're trying to

have any conversation and the person like stops every time where if i were talking to steve i'd be like yeah i think the top score and you know goals in 2012 was ovechkin and you're like really i thought that's a year the crosby cropped up and beat him. Instead of going with the conversation, the other person totally gets disconnected, and then three minutes later they go, yeah, I was right, actually. Yeah, I was right. That's the year Crosby came back.

We did the math. I do that all the time on this show. Oh, that bothers me. The info hunt, and you watch their eyes just go straight to their research as you're trying. I like to know. I like that the internet is in everyone's pockets and you watch their eyes just go straight to their research. I like to know. I like that the internet is in everyone's pockets and you can no longer be full of shit. That's the scoop. I like knowing stuff.

And so my older sister and I are very similar in one way, in that we both need to be right all the time. But in the ways we go about it, the way I need to be right all the time is when I think I might be wrong, I'll check on shit and I'll research and I'll try to learn. And the way she needs to be right all the time is she surrounds herself with other people with the same dumbass ignorant opinion who tell her that she's right. And I very much prefer the first one. I get what you're saying about what Taylor is saying about, oh, I don't want people to get disconnected. But at the same time, you can know shit, and it's not bad to know shit. No, it's good. It's just like I'm more talking about the minutia of conversation-ruining tidbits of information.

Not like, you know, Obama actually executed 30 people on a whim last January. Don't look that up. We're moving along. And it's like then you need to like go in there and look but if it's just some you know middling little detail that actually actually it turned out it was 29 29 so get your shit straight next time before you start going on a tear but you know what 29 i mean january is a long month so it's 29 that many 31 days. It's less than one per day. Less than one a day.

But 29 in February would be obscene. We were talking about Celsius and Fahrenheit. Our fan base had a debate for it must be six or nine months

on which was better, Celsius or Fahrenheit. And embarrassingly, I took a side strongly. You know what? I could get behind an argument like that though. Yeah?

What team are you on? I think I would be on team Celsius just because the metric system tends to make more sense with the idea of the things being round easier to remember

why is 32 freezing? what the fuck is that? I think it's because they were just making those numbers up as they went along i will tell you why because yeah yeah so here's the thing i'm on board with the metric system or kelvin they're roughly the same just shifted if you're a scientist right and you need to convert like calories into water into grams or whatever but if you're using temperature like everyone i know does measuring the weather outside the human or food humans pretty much run zero to a hundred zero is really cold a hundred's really hot and that's the the the spectrum that we live in zero to 100

on the other hand what is the spectrum spectrum of Celsius that we live in? Negative 10 to 42 or something? That's the arbitrary number if you're measuring weather. Yeah. As someone who lives in LA, actually humans run between about 50 and 80. They sound really high in Celsius. Yeah. I understand what you're saying and that is a that is a solid

argument for it but i just think oh my god there's a dog behind you i just think that uh i i i like the idea of the round numbers of things being very simple that way of the like 12 inches and a foot is fucking dumb like the like that kind of shit where you have to remember all that and like how many cups are in a quart and a quart in a gallon and like and you spend so much of your brain power trying to remember all that that it would be so much easier to just do it by divisible by 10 it would just make a lot more sense oh it definitely for measuring things it's it's objectively a better way to do it. Like, no doubt.

So when it comes to, okay, so when it comes to weather outside and, you know, I get that. Body temperature, we live in a range of about five degrees. But, you know, so you're saying, so outdoors, it's basically 0 to 100 Fahrenheit is livable? Is that what you're saying? Well, of course you can live outside those. But yeah, that's pretty much the temperatures at which humans exist. 0 to 100 is the scale. That's outdoor temperatures.

What about cooking? What about cooking for humans? It's a cookbook. cooking humans. It's a cookbook. Just the, I don't know, I'm a fan of the round number thing, and I know that some people are going to be like, well, you're on American. Well, look, I get that

we can be different, but when the rest of the world has agreed to one system, and we're just like, nuh-uh, we like ours better. There are a couple of dictator run island nations who still use the empirical system, I'll have you know.

What do we got, like Guyana? Like, who else uses it? Something like that. That made me think of the Philippines. Have you followed the president of the Philippines? That Duerte guy? No. Alright, so this guy, he has this war on drugs, okay? And he's a very outspoken politician.

He does lots of media. And he publicly admitted a while back that while he was the mayor of a city there in the Philippines before he became president, that he personally killed a handful of drug dealers. He gunned them down in the street, just fucking judged them like he's Carl Urban and just blew them away in the streets. And then the other day, while speaking, this is like yesterday or the day before,

he said something to the nature of, maybe I'll take him up in the helicopter and just push him out on the way to Manila. I've done it before. Why shouldn't I do it again? He's publicly admitted to two or three murders to manila i've done it before why shouldn't i do it again you know he's just he's like publicly admitted to like two or three murders in the last couple of weeks at the at the un they're calling for him to be investigated meanwhile he's got this when he said war on drugs this wasn't nancy

reagan talking he fucking meant that shit they're dragging people out in the streets clubbing them killing them thousands of deaths you know like a million it's like a million individuals who have been part of this war on drugs in one way or another where they've been arrested or displaced or attacked in some way he's he's serious about it he's not on the legalize it train oh yeah no well that's i think that's the like if you're if you're in a kind of and look i don't know how things are on the streets there i've never been but like you you tend to allow for certain things when your life is much work like part of the reason why we're able to debate how many genders you can choose from on facebook is because shit's going very well here overall like that's why we have time to focus on stuff like that now. I was complaining about the TSA and how much of our freedoms are infringed when we fly and et cetera, et cetera. And I was talking to someone who's Israeli, and they were just like, well, I mean, you have to.

Otherwise, you know, you get blown up. And I was like, well, not really. Not here. And she's like, yeah, but here. i was like well not not really not here it's just like yeah but here i was like okay all right i get up i'll stop complaining about this stuff to you i get you're going through some shit over there yeah yeah their tsa is much scarier i would imagine i doubt it's shaniqua in a pair of pants one size too small trying to waddle over there and get her hands down on your waistband although i gotta say this so when i flew to israel when i flew to israel um i was very impressed by the

ll security because like instead of the standard like did anyone else pack your bags for you or like questions that are so fucking dumb like uh they were like so you're going to you're going over to israel and I was like, yes. And he goes, are you Jewish? And I said, yes. And he goes, where did you have your bar mitzvah? Like, that's a really fucking specific question. That's something that someone's trying to pull the system.

Like, they'd have to be really smart enough to just be like, Beth Shalom L, like, just naming. At the bar mitzvah store. I am a Jew Me Allah strike me dead here if I have nothing to do. Not here. I think that security could be improved a great deal. The problem that I have with ours is not that it infringes on our rights as much. It infringes on our rights for no fucking purpose. is not that it infringes on our rights as much,

is that it infringes on our rights for no fucking purpose. Like, it's an Easter egg hunt, where I can't tell you how many times when I fly, I mean, I fly all the time. You know, I fly several times a week. I know their rules better than they do. And I can't tell you how often they'll be like, bag check, and I just go, it's business cards. They're like, what?

I was like, the block that you see that you don't know what it is in that x-ray, that's business cards. Because I fly and I travel for business. And they give me this look like, we know our thing. And then they take it out and they look at it, they open it, it's business cards. And then they just silently put it back. It's just every fucking time. Then they have to make up a story like, well, there was a business card bomber come through. Two weeks ago.

I want to shut them down quick. I had a girl who was flying in to see me and she had a whole bunch of sex toys in her bag. And they're trying to go through her bag and they're like, what's in here? And she's like, butt plugs. And they're just like... Like this look of disgust

came over Sonequa's face Kyle took me on a vacation Kyle where did we go in Arkansas can you say the name tier one group training ground they train special forces troops there they also Maxim produced a show there called Maximum Warrior

so they've got an obstacle course and it's a massive facility lots of real deal like military stuff happens there that's so weird because I'd imagine the real estate in Arkansas is so pricey how would they have room for all that so I had this thing in LA they call me up

they're like what do you want to swing by here and like go to this thing yeah sure so I fly back to Arkansas and we go on this like weekend of bomb making and shit. Right. Jesus. So then for the next year,

I have bomb residue all over my luggage. It's like this misty powder where they're like pouring things, making, and, and like, so I traveled with all this video equipment, which would make them open it. They'd swipe it for bomb residue. Yeah.

There'd be bomb residue on it, you know, like all sorts of explosive shit. They're testing. And like yeah yeah that's because you know i had this awesome weekend making bombs like yeah oh my god alarm and i just started budging it into my travel time i had a tsa guy once try to sell me drugs really how'd that go where i uh the price is okay uh i didn't get i didn't get that far. He's like swabbing down everything. And I was like, what are you looking for?

Like at that point, I was just like, what is this? And he goes, because something set off the sensor. Just got to make sure you're a Jew. Yeah. He goes, do you have any drugs? And I go, no, I don't. And he's like, and I was like like what could have set this off and he goes you know could be he's like could be you know antibiotics or could be pills or you know whatever

you might need not whatever you have whatever you need and just kind of gives me a look and i was like i'm good thanks can i just have my bag back please so he was propositioning you in like a around the back way oh yeah well you're like well there's 140 in the pocket there maybe there's a little myth there when i check next time i asked if you had any drugs because it appears that you're fresh out you know you can't sell drugs as a tsa agent with like a sign you know or you can't do it like a scalper does where you walk by and just real quietly be like, I got two. Anybody need two? I got two. You have to be creative about it. I applaud

him. Yeah, that's really ballsy. But you can't imagine that guy's actually on the lookout for anyone nefarious if he's too hiding his own too busy hiding his own drug dealings. The problem that I have with the TSA aside from the fact that 10% of them have been arrested for theft,

no exaggeration. 10%. How many are guilty of theft? Yeah, I actually had so when I was in college, well, they don't arrest them for theft unless they fucking know. I just mean the ones that didn't get caught.

Carry on. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, the the ones that didn't get caught. But carry on. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, the others. That's the terrifying thing. But so when I was in college, my fraternity brothers got me this, like, really nice fraternity pin as a going away present. And so I had it and I was going to my fraternity's convention. And so I bring it with me.

And, like, that's the only time I ever wear it like at the convention and so I went there and it's in this pin box that's buried in this other thing and so I get back from the convention and the pin box has been like the cushion that you put it in has been like turned upside down and put back in the pin box

so like this didn't fall out like someone took this out didn't know how to put it back together and I mean the thing's only worth about 80 bucks but it means a lot to me sentiment like it was a really nice gift and so like i call up the airports i flew through and i told them and i was like hey someone stole jewelry out of my bag and i was like you know can you check the cameras they're like well you know you'd be surprised at how few areas there are cameras here i'm like i am very surprised uh this is an airport i want to work on that and they didn't seem to be concerned at all and finally i just go hey man i know you don't care if i get my stuff back but do you think that this guy's retiring off an 80 pin like you have a thief

working for you you don't care to find them and like they just didn't see it as priority at all yeah that's like if you ever lose something in an airport i had belts stolen which is like i guess at probably a similar price like like and it sounds stupid right i had i had two belts in my bag for this like 10 day business trip like and it was like those are the only two belts that i have brought with me of course i don't have an extra somebody i get there to where i'm going you and one for the hooker yes one one that one to beat her with and one to wear there you go and they took my wearing belt and my whipping belt i had nothing i had nothing my hands were bruised from beating her all week it was terrible uh but they did they clearly went in the bag took those because they were like i don't know i'm not

like a an obsessive packer but i like put the belts together and like kind of cinched it together and put it in a certain spot and like i knew it was there and like the socks were inside of the belt created like i know they were there you went in unzipped and like oh that's kind of nice right there you think that looked good on me? Yeah, yeah. You were 34, aren't you? Yep, sure. Yeah, all right. Let me get this old piece of shit off. There's some dude wearing my goddamn belt right now at the Atlanta airport.

They should have at least given you their belt. He's wearing your pin, wearing my belt, just stealing drugs. Trying to sell drugs. Well, so what I was... I got so sidetracked. But the thing that I hate about the TSA so much is that when they clearly do violate their rules or make a mistake or whatever it is, they will not admit it. They will not apologize. Asking to speak to a supervisor, all the supervisor ever does is be like, well, this is a hard job, and you should know this is a really hard job.

Be like, well, yeah, but it's also difficult to get my ticket back. What would you say the hardest part of being a TSA officer? Would you say it's all the stealing that you have going on? Would you say it's the complaints that that brings to your doorstep? All of the thieves you employ. That's a very difficult part of the job. Yeah, I think TSA are absolute scumbags. They don't keep us safe in any way. They've never caught a terrorist.

They may have kept some terrorists from going and even trying. I suppose that's a possibility. That's feasible for me to believe, I guess. But they've never caught one. And they're never going to catch one. And the culmination of the bit is that the reason they treat us like such shit is so that even the terrorists are like, fuck this, I'm not flying. I don't need that kind of disrespect. no no fuck these guys I'll tell you we commit that bombing we are not flying delta I don't know who said it was a different comedian but they were like after the shoe bomber came now suddenly everyone has to take their shoes off to pass their TSA. Yeah, that guy.

He's like, just once, I hope there'd be some terrorist act that requires, like, for security reasons for us to get upgraded to first class. You know? And that's their response to it. Everyone gets... That's awesome. Jay Black has a great bit about blowing up a plane by putting a bomb inside of a crying baby.

Can't we just have one? Sorry, babies can't fly anymore. crying baby. Can't we just have one? Sorry, babies can't fly anymore. All your holidays are saved. Check that baby, man. Come here. Put it in there. It'll be returned to you at your gate. It took them like a month before

they stopped letting people fly with the galaxy when it was uh when it was exploding and where they would just be like everybody shut theirs off right everybody agreed you shut theirs off i was like promise i couldn't bring i couldn't bring water on this motherfucker you're letting people bring stuff that explodes and hoping that they shut them off the thing about that is like like like that was crazy those phones were doing that and you get some of you guys have probably also seen like vapes vape pens you know they've got a big uh similar kind of battery on them that's much more powerful those sometimes go off

kind of like a flare in your pocket yeah being really hot and going crazy but any phone and i mean any phone that has one of those uh lipro batteries that you can just if you peck this thing hard enough with a hammer or a sharp thing, then the cells get crushed together and it starts sort of like this chain reaction begins where it's heating up and heating up and it's gonna burst into flames and that's like every single cell phone

if you hit it hard enough. Do not tell people that. How hard would you have to hit it? This isn't like top secret. No, I'm saying don't tell security that. I want my phone. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Be bored.

You just have to pierce it, you know? No harder than you hit a nail, for sure. Yeah. Samsung's got to be fucking hurting after all this. No, and that CeeLo video that I guess turned out to be a movie that they're shooting. Oh, no way. I'm such an idiot. Oh, I bought that hook

line and sinker yeah i think that's a i think that's like just leaked footage from a movie that they're shooting cool and like it's not even a samsung that it happened like and but everybody just assumed and i was like oh man johnny samsung or whoever it is that owns that company, is probably having a really bad day. I have no dog in the Android iPhone fight, but even I, I do no research into the new phones. I just kind of get whatever one comes out when I need one. And I think I'm just going to get an iPhone because none of those have blown up, have they? I could just get an old version with a headphone jack

that doesn't explode. I was driving home yesterday, right? So I'm'm on a motorcycle and i have a bluetooth helmet so it's like pinging because these text messages are coming and at first i'm like oh it's jackie but whatever i'm on a motorcycle you can't like texting and drive is bad enough texting and riding a motorcycle is ridiculous so i just ignore it it goes off again and again after like three times i'm like damn this woman is so freaking persistent like get it i can't you know check your text messages right now and it goes on and on and on about 12 messages in i'm like it's probably the group chat with pka and uh sure enough i get all the way home there's 14 unread messages all from like kyle and chiz like going back and forth and stuff and just

to piss off everyone in the conversation i start liking all their messages because if you don't have the current ios it like it repeats the whole message if you like a picture i'm told it's it's particularly effective um it's my favorite thing to do with an iphone right now so obnoxious it's so obnoxious with as someone with a samsung s4 right now which is like three generations ago. Because all it does is you'll say, you know, Kyle will say, yeah, I'm down to play Call of Duty later tonight. And then another message will come that says, liked. Yeah, I'll play Call of Duty later tonight.

Woody, you know, liked. You know, no, I can't play till later. Chiz. you know no i can't play till later cheers and just it's just like you get a text message notifying you that he's liked an image or that he's liked an image or that he's liked an image and i'm watching my phone go over there and i can see the battery going like 29 28 27 i'm just like i'm trying to find a way i'm so pissed off'm like, how do I get out of this fucking group? Can I ignore this? That's how I felt when I was riding the motorcycle. You guys just chatting back and forth.

Here's the key. What you guys are missing, though, the key to not having your phone go off too much, there's a setting where you can just not have friends. Oh. So just forego socialization entirely. Just don't have friends. And then, like, it's amazing how quiet my phone is sometimes. That's a path that you've had success with? Yeah.

You just have to not give your phone number to people ever. Steve, do you watch the UFC at all? What? You said you like sports. Do you watch the UFC much? I don't. I got into boxing right toward the end when people still liked boxing,

and then the UFC came. It's not a thing that's grabbed me, although I had such a scary weekend. I was performing in Vegas the week of a big Conor McGregor fight in, I think it was August, and I was performing at the MGM, which is right across from where the fight was. And so after he wins, there's like thousands of people going through the MGM, just walking around with Irish flags and singing Irish songs really loudly

and like yelling at me that I'm not singing with them because I look... And so I had to just kind of like smile and like cheer and pretend to be like ah you know fuck out of here because it's a whole bunch of really drunk people mad that i'm not singing songs i've never heard of before they're like fall in bro and sing the words i want to hear them no you sing you sing good dude for a bunch of drunk irish fight fans they don't cause much trouble they're just i mean it was like people are remarking on it like they're just really happy sort of friendly laughing at everything there to enjoy themselves as a group uh i i swear people got more violent

watching that stallone film over the top about arm wrestling than they do than irish fans do about mcgregor when is the last time because that? It's so funny because they think he's Irish and then they see the hair and immediately are like, fall in bro, don't get you here. I thought he was Irish at first. It was funny. It's like a Jehovah's Witness. He's like, have you heard the good news?

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Yeah. We'll check that out. All right. Oh, oh, oh. The big fights this week. So there's an especially big fight on Friday, which for people watching this is yesterday. And I'm pretty sick of that. It's Ronda Rousey coming back after a year

off of not fighting. She got her mouth busted up over a year ago. Dude, the hype for this fight is sucking me in in a way that I didn't expect it to. So Ronda Rousey is not hyping it. And never in history has anyone ever been removed from their media

obligations they always have to go there excused is the right word don't you think yeah excuse for her media obligations and they also did her opponent too to keep things fair but so like the ah or their opponent doesn't speak any fucking english so she's you know what since i've been railing against her english i've heard english i've heard more interviews from her it's a little better than i thought it was but i've heard three interviews and i was not impressed and in in in the teaser she's like randa had her time now is my time and like that's one one of her that's her like badass soundbite right and then they come back at the very end of the teaser and she's like no one take this bout from me it's like come on like like

meanwhile you get conor mcgregor you'll do fucking nothing you'll do fucking nothing launching water bottles at the crowd like that guy could he could fucking pump a fight up and then put it on the show meanwhile how many takes do you think it took to get that 37 37 run the time in the build up to Eddie Alvarez versus Conor McGregor they're at the press conference arguing with themselves Dana White slides over and removes

all the cans of monster energy away from Conor McGregor so he can't throw them it was great do you guys know MMA Roasted no I haven't heard of that so MMA Roasted is a really big Twitter account where actually all the fighters follow it and they interact with it

and stuff. And it's my old roommate that runs it. A comedian named Adam Hunter. And it is amazing how just seeing how much people get into it. Because it's a space that there aren't a ton of comics occupying that space right now.

And so it's basically like him and Joe Rogan, like pretty much the people who do it. Um, but like, yeah, that has a, that is a huge following and I don't know much about it. He's like,

yeah, you should write for this. I was like, I don't know what I would write. Like, I'm just not knowledgeable enough about the sport. Is he the same guy that flew back from Australia with Rogan and said things about,

uh, Is he the same guy that flew back from Australia with Rogan and said things about Cyborg and does a lot of the jokes for people on the roasted, the Comedy Central specials? No, no, no. No, so it's just a separate thing. I think Adam's been on Rogan's podcast, but I think you're thinking of someone else. Ari? Ari Shafir? Could be. Maybe that's who I'm thinking of. Anyway, you're thinking of someone else ari shafir could be maybe that's yeah anyway how did you place your bet that's where i'm headed with all this i've been trying

to get my money on there and i don't know how like my bank isn't supported and i go through like two of my credit cards and neither one neither of those were and i've got a third credit card somewhere that i like just don't keep in my wallet because it's got a larger limit on it i just whatever and i've been looking for it and i a larger limit on it. I just, whatever. And I've been looking for it, and I can't find my goddamn credit card. So now I'm like, oh, shit, does somebody have my good credit card?

Like, fucking go into town. So now I'm more worried about, like, identity theft than I am placing a bet on Amanda Nunez. But realistically, yeah, I haven't placed it yet. I'm trying to. I spent maybe an hour trying to the night before last and then maybe 30 minutes last night and haven't been able to. Do you know where the place to do it is?

Because I just found – I can't remember. Maybe Bodog or something like that. I don't remember the exact site I was on. I've heard of that. Neil Magny is the sure thing. My last couple sure things, I forget what they were. A bet. Alvarez losing.

Alvarez beating Conor was one, and I just knew what happened. And Hillary beating Trump was the other that I just knew they were. Oh, a bet. I didn't catch it. He's a fighter. Alvarez beating Conor was one, and I just knew what happened. And Hillary beating Trump was the other that I just knew would happen. So I'm kind of on a cold streak. But I'm going to turn this franchise around with Neil Magny. That guy is going to beat Johnny Hendricks like a drum. Are you going to go 10,000 like you were going to do on Hillary? No, I'm not. I'm going to keep my money in my pocket.

But this is the most sure thing I've seen since Hillary beating Trump. Yeah, man. I, I once had a dream where like, I woke up and I realized I was like, I had a dream. I was like, the Chargers. It was like the Chargers beat the Cardinals in the Super Bowl. it was like the chargers beat the cardinals in the super bowl and oh i was like i was like okay that's a weird dream but i was like you know what let me bet on each and is before the nfl season started so i was like let me bet on each one of them to win the super bowl and see what happens and you know what happened i think the chargers went six and eight and they were the better or six and uh ten and they were the better of the two teams that didn't work out so good bad bad dream real bad not a prophetic dream at all i i think um i i don't have a dream supporting my opinion but but but more just kind of looking at the two sums that are coming together friday night with ronda rousey and and nunez however the fuck you pronounce her

silly name um i feel bad for nunez because, you know, for those who don't know, she's like the first gay champion ever of like any fighting sport, man or woman, like openly gay at least. You know, she wears like the rainbow mouth guard and everything. But she's getting no press for this. And, you know, the promos are even touting her opponent, the challenger, as the most, they're like the most dangerous woman in the world is back and then they play kind of like a wonder woman almost rip off riff like a like

and like ronda's standing there on like an eye on like a salt on like salt flats like with lightning bolts going off around her meanwhile we watched like a blonde girl whose fighter name is the preacher's daughter make her cry like a year ago? What are we talking about? Any one of us here could fucking sucker punch Ronda and she'd have the same reaction. Like the most dangerous woman in the world. Like no, no.

She's the most dangerous woman in almost every room she ever walks in, but Friday night she's going to go fight somebody who's really fucking tough too, and I hope she loses. I want her to lose so bad because it'll end her career. It'll end Ronda's career right there. That's it. This goes great with something that I was reading about you, Steve,

with the Babe Ruth thing, going the conversation of how well would Babe Ruth do in today's? I've talked about this before with MMA. The reason Ronda got smashed so embarrassingly in whatever fight that was, is because we're watching the inception of a new sport. Like, she's the best of the best in this barely out of its infancy sport, but

all it takes is for some other person to be a little better, come in, and beat the shit out of them, because that bar is still so low, you know, because it's such a new sport. And then, you know, 20 years from now, the best female MMA fighter in 20 years, it wouldn't such a new sport. And then, you know, 20 years from now, the best female MMA fighter in 20 years, it wouldn't even be a contest. She would brutalize

Ronda Rousey. I've watched all of Ronda's previous fights this week. I think all of them. Almost all of them are either on, like, FightPass or on YouTube, even for free. And, man, she beat up on some opponents who really didn't seem like they knew what they were doing and didn't seem to be able to defend themselves on the ground

and didn't seem to have a plan for avoiding the judo. It seemed like the first person she fought who had anti-judo training was Holly Holm. And then she loses. I think Nunez hits harder than Ronda. If Nunez can keep Ronda from putting her on the ground, if they get in the clinch and she tuckers Ronda out While at the same time not losing all of her own energy. I think she wins. I think she can knock Ronda out She has legitimate knockout powder at power at bantamweight, which probably no one else does

And I think she could dock Ronda out. She could definitely do that I don't think she gets armbarred in the first round like we watched all those like that uh i don't think she gets armbarred in the first round like we watched all those like pilates instructors and girls who were trying to lose some weight and like all that public accountants yeah yeah you're watching a bronze medal olympian run in there and fucking torque somebody's arm out of its socket who like was it was a certified public accountant who got into mma to lose weight and now she's getting her ass kicked by Ronda. Yeah, it's not surprising she couldn't defend against that. But now she's fighting against a BJJ black belt

and a Mania Nunez, someone who hits hard, someone who's incredibly motivated. And I have this, maybe it's racist even to think this, but I think that because she is, I think she's Portuguese maybe. Brazilian, so she speaks Portuguese. Okay, I can't see her having the some sort of

like, oh, I'm the champion. I better start looking for expendables for movie deals. That's what I'm focused on. I just imagine her trying to get more reps in or trying to improve her boxing every day, trying to hit harder, trying to be faster, trying to learn a new martial art or something. I can't see her getting

lazy and slow. I can see her beating up Ronda, though. And the odds are in the better's favor in this one, I think. Odds are, I think, that Ronda wins, though. I mean, that's the more likely outcome. But in my opinion, what's going to happen is that Nunez is going to win. It's going to be shocking. Ronda looks good.

Joe Rogan's face is going to melt like on Raiders of the Lost Ark. When all the Nazis' faces melted with the claymation. It's going to be great. I'm excited about the card. There's a bunch of fights on there. A couple guys didn't make weight. Yeah. The fights go on. The opponents get 20 and 30% of their purses respectively.

So that's all good. Yeah, it's 20% and the guy who made weight has the option to decline the fight but they both stepped up yeah in this case they both decided to fight yeah yeah the choice would the guy still get paid if he was like no i'm not gonna fight you because otherwise it's kind of forcing him to do it anyway you know typically what happens is this is the choice they have to make like let's say you and i are fighting you didn't make weight i get 20 of your purse and you know otherwise the fight is the same if we don't fight i get my show money so i might get like 45 grand to show and another

45 grand if i win well the opportunity to win is gone so i just get my show money and then my next fight is rescheduled usually pretty quickly like you know eight weeks later So I get my like the amount I would get if I lost and then another fight very soon And they put that course they have to do a whole nother training camp So they did 30 other way it took 30% of one of the guys purses It was it was 20 from one and the other yeah I think I don't know why I did notice that one of the was off weight by like four and a half pounds, I think. So maybe that was punitive damages.

They're like, you didn't even try. So I don't know how that goes. I want to ask you this, because you mentioned the 45 to show, 45 to win or whatever. What would it take to get – first of all, quickly, I'm sure you know. What weight class would you fight in if I gave you a 12-week trick you get it We give you a 12-week training camp and Let's say we give We're gonna give you a 16 week training camp to get into like woody prime and you have no other obligations We're gonna send a film crew to document this thing 100% focus

We're even going to send a film crew to document this thing. 100% focus. What weight class do you fight in? And what show money do you need to actually step into the octagon against a legitimate fighter? We're not talking about some guy who's, oh, yeah, this is Jimmy Page. He fought six years ago. He's coming back in. Let's see if he's got any ring rust.

And you can't get everybody versus Junior.J. Kellishaw or something. Right. So I currently weigh 207. I guess if you gave me 16 weeks and a lot of energy and such, I could make the 185 maybe. Oh, come on. You're going to cut weight too now. Yeah, well, it's harder to cut weight when it's in fat than it is in muscle.

So that would probably be my situation. Real muscular thin guys have an easier time draining the water than chubby guys. Just like Johnny Henders. Four months now. Maybe you could. You're going into it just trying not to die in men's MMA. Maybe transition into a woman real quick in those four months. Go in and just run roughshod over the entire, you know,

Mattina Woodworth running roughshod over the competition. You know, they're like, you can't fight here, Matt. Why not? Because you still have chest hair. You still have chest hair and your penis. We can see it in your shorts. We can see it in your shorts. Did you say chest hair on your penis?

No, chest hair and a penis. Things that they would see and say you shouldn't be able to fight women with your man's shoulders and your man hands. Like those punches that only men can throw because your body just pivots that way. I've kind of got female hips though. That's a super impressive amount of chest hair. If it goes all the way down to your penis. Or a super impressively big penis if it goes all the way up to your chest area. Either way.

Either way. Either one would be a problem for endeavoring into female MMA. I don't think I could make 170. I think you could make 172. But the question really is, we know you're going to get roughed up, right? That's the plan.

That's what any of us think. If we're going against a professional fighter know if we were talking about football or baseball or even hockey in you guys cases if we were talking about putting you in there with like a crosby or somebody you'd be like well the plan is not to die i've rolled with joe before it's remarkable if anything i want to happen actually happens there you go how much money does it take and we're talking show money right like this is that guaranteed money that you step in there and as long as you don't like mid-round hop the side of the ring and like crawl out and run away literally in disgrace like you get your 45 grand how much does it take i definitely do it for 30 30 grand it would be zero that's what i wanted to hear from woody i knew how little like oh 185 000

because that would that and then that would do this isn't that what he's like well this is kind of an opportunity if you look at it so what is it called the players how little do you have going for you right now the 30 grand is worth your life potentially he's got experience though he's got a bit of jiu-jitsu training he's got not get me far but what i'm saying is like steve i don't know how many times you've been punched in the face but woody's been punched more i bet like he's he's gotten a little bit more used to it than the average person my win loss percentage right i've got plenty of sparring so it'll be a loss but it'll be the same percent he just had his eyes and ears so he doesn't lose anything important you know dream camp what is it called when you go and play with

the yankees fantasy camp fantasy camp this would be like fantasy camp with more blood right like i think this would be really cool i would definitely this is not a sport that you'd want to have fantasy camp in though because you're like this like think about it like 30 grand you go in there yeah so it's a competition but that guy one bad punch and you fall on your head wrong it's like oh well yeah that 30 grand is great it's gonna pay for my you know weeks of training camp launching a charm offensive against my opponent to really get on his good side right i love you letters like hearts and stuff. It doesn't matter if he's 15 years younger than me.

I'd still call him like Mr. Lozon. You know what I would do? I would be like publicly in front of everyone and be like, yeah, well, I'm going to go down in the first. I'm going to go down in the first. Put money on me down in the first. I think going to go down in the first. Put money on me down in the first. I think a really painless way to lose is to show me that you've got a lot of respect.

They'd dance around you and force me to hit them, and they're like iron Soviet jaw of whatever monster they put in there with me. I just go in there and there's no way Robbie Lawler could land a rear naked choke on me, which is a really nice way to lose.

It doesn't hurt. You just tap. You're finished. Yeah, I don't know. I would not fight an up-and-coming 13-year-old MMA fighter. So I fought a, not fought, but I sparred with and rolled with this 16-year-old at Lozon's thing. Now, I think he might be pro now because I saw him on facebook like winning his fight but um that kid was clearly but he was not giving a hundred percent to own me like yeah i could tell he was being kind and i was throwing leg kicks oh no but

fucking i don't tell you what leg kicks are the the least cool thing to do to anyone who is not on the same level as you. It's just not – because there's a level that people get to with like martial arts, I guess let's just say, where their kicks go up like three levels at once. It's like they're really ranked up, and it's just otherworldly. I can't kick anywhere near that hard. I can't fold the heavy bag. I think Woody can. Some of those, I've seen women who can, and I've seen men who kick it so hard that there is a concussive boom.

Yeah. And you're just like, what if that was my rib cage? Right. Like, fucking tuck your elbows. God damn. Yeah, like, I can fold it, but I know guys who do what you're talking about. Like, there was a Muay Thai guy at Joe's gym, and that guy, every time he – people are kicking the heavy bag, it's whatever,

and then he kicks it, and it's a spectacle. Everyone is just like, I don't know how much more this bag can take. What does folding the heavy bag mean? Well, normally when you kick a heavy bag bag it just kind of swings a little bit but if you kick it hard it just bends and like you know folds on his shin it does that yeah oh that's no that's a no oh you have to kick it very hard you're talking about like a full body kick like rotating your hips and full swing and and like there are guys who spend hours practicing this kick every day all day and being accurate with it and and then in a fight they're directing it like right at a certain

muscle group on your knee right in a joint and and for round after round they'll just punish you with it and and it it's got to be the most excruciating part of mixed martial arts other than the mat being sandpaper that you're rolling around on. I was at Joe's gym, and I'm kicking bags, and I'm trying to show off a little bit, and whatever. You're giving 100% so that they think that you're 70%. Yes, and they're thinking that, all right, let me give 1,000%, and they'll think this is my daily workout.

You're like that guy in Gattaca who's pretending like he's not breathing at at all but really he's just all fucking out giving it all he's got he gets to the locker room just like so i'm there i'm kicking bags with everything i have and um one of his bags i kick it and i'm i'm like injured now like i get get a hard and I'm like what the what the fuck is that bag? And they're like yeah yeah that one's got a hard spot. A hard spot?

A hard spot in a heavy bag? In like the kicking, like what the fuck? It beat the shit out of that so much it's developing scar tissue. The rags inside of it needed to be like loosened or fluffed or something. They were packed hard.

It was like cement. I really did limp for days. I felt like they should wrap caution tape around this heavy bag so people knew not to hit it. It was ridiculous. Woody, you know what else has hard spots? People. Yeah, they do. That skull. You want to be prepared for that skull kick yeah but you're probably going to be

on the receiving end of it in your in your fight but i have a question for steve that's about like i i've wondered this because i know you're like if you haven't you guys don't know anything about steve youtube him and you'll find him destroying hecklers and something i've wondered because a lot of comedians pride themselves on the heckler thing, and obviously you're very skilled at it, and so you must kind of like it when they pop up, because it's an opportunity to riff or whatever. Do you ever watch clips of comedians who are supposedly really good with hecklers and suspect that their plants are set up, or that it's just too...

Because I've watched certain videos where people in the comments will say, oh, this looks really set up, and I don't know if maybe as an inside guy you can tell. No, absolutely not. The idea of that happening maybe, maybe five times in history. Really? I don't know any cases. Yeah, it's not – I mean, and I'm saying outside of Andy Kaufman, obviously. But, like, comics aren't – the idea – I mean, there's so much that goes into that.

First of all, the idea, I don't like when it happens. You know, I have material that I want to do, and I'd much rather do that. I happen to be good at it, but that doesn't mean I enjoy it. I like the victory of it, but while it's happening, you know, you don't know how it's going to go. And there are times, I mean, there are clips I don't post where it's just, it gets violent and awkward. You know, like you can't, I mean, it's just literally someone who's out of control and has to be put, you know, dragged out of a room. I'm like, that's not a good clip to watch. I mean, I guess.

Dragged out of a room. I'm like, that's not a good clip to watch. I mean, I guess. Is it an easy win, though? What? I've been in positions where I'm the guy with the mic, right? Yeah. And all I have to say is that's not what your mom thinks or whatever, and the crowd goes wild.

But that's the thing. The win is not besting them. The win is besting them while keeping it light. Like, the win is being able to get back to material okay like is letting the show not get out of control and you know okay so in terms of the addressing that the fake heckler thing because there are some people every time I have a clip go viral there will be someone on it be like it's fake and he pays actors and i'm like okay walk me through the logistics of this come on smart guy

let's let's go through this for okay first thing these clips happen all over the world so if i'm hiring actors where am i getting them from? What am I paying them? How are there not casting notices everywhere? Why is there no proof of this anywhere? Why have none of the people come forward? If I have these clips happen at colleges with students, did I plant the student there? Did I convince someone to go to this school for three years so that one day I could have five minutes of fun at their expense long con is that what you said absolutely yeah it's a very long very expensive the idea of like what about their families are they in on it are they all

actors also and are we all good enough actors to never break? Like when someone sees someone doing something good and immediately assumes it's fake, it's because they're not good at it. And so they can't fathom a world where someone else can be. But like I would – I'm not as good with hecklers as Jimmy Carr. I think Jimmy Carr is the absolute best in the world at this. But, you know, I'm top five. And so if you watch the guy who's known for being very good with hecklers being good with a heckler, wouldn't you just be like, oh, well, he's good at that. The same way that like, I watch LeBron dunk. and I go, how the fuck? You know, like, how the fuck can a human being do that? But you go, oh, well, a lot of human beings can actually do that.

In fact, LeBron isn't even the best dunker in the NBA. So it's people who, it's the thing I'm best at in the world. And for people to just assume it's not real because I'm good at it is so ridiculous. Yeah, it's like with a lot of conspiracy theories, you get to the point where there's like a threshold of there's too many people involved and not enough payout to where it's like, all right, so is there just one section at all of Steve's shows where all of his little conclave of idiot sheep followers sit there with their scripts on note cards until, you know, after you order the second drink, I'm going to wink at you and that's when you know the insult's coming. Be ready. Like, that would be more effort than it's worth. Is the club in on it? It has to be. Right, the club

would have to be in on it. And also, if I do this, am I so good at disguising it? Am I so brilliant that I do it every 10 or 15 shows just so no one will be on to me and it doesn't seem like it'd be a fun job to be like yeah i want to be the guy that stands up and then everybody looks at me for the next 40 minutes thinking what a fool what a foolish idiot you turned out to be guy in the red shirt or whatever if that were true it would have been

exposed by now in this era of social media. We saw that happen when Hillary Clinton starts putting out those fake pictures of her on the trail or at the grocery store. It quickly, the internet quickly finds out that no, that lady that she keeps miraculously being photographed with at random as part of some PR

firm that works with them. They're all posed pictures. You know that five adults sat in a board room and were like, if she was on a trail you know that shows that she's out and about you know she's she's physically active that's something we're trying to push now and the same thing and it's not and it's not just one side either because you also saw that with you know when trump had the paid people behind him because you know how that came out one of them talked because that's how people are like that's how people to go behind him because you know how that came out one of them talked because that's how people are like that's how people to go behind him what why would he pay or what people did he pay to go

behind i'm curious about that because his rallies were gigantic they didn't cover it was uh it was earlier on and it was to get diversity oh so he was like he went to like uh like a stock photo and he's like all right we need a curly-headed black woman. We need this eastern Asian gentleman. Let's get an Indian too. Let's try big swaths of the whole continent. Let's have them all hold hands. He was very focused on race relations throughout the election, so

that does make sense. He was reaching out heavily to the black and brown communities. It was for the ability to be like, see, I got one. Right? He's got a few, to be you know he's got i know omarosa back there with him that's what politics is but anyway the idea of like why hasn't like and i get in the beginning absolutely but i'm at 62 million views now if there was someone that i hired wouldn't someone have come forward probably but

it would have been on like twitter or something there would have been like someone would have put it together and they've been like aha here he is exposed everyone look it's the same like heckler in three clubs across the country they're all saying the same thing well i've discovered and i've discovered that anyone who has the argument of like, I don't have to put it together for you. You can just look yourself means I got shit. I got nothing. Yeah. When people say something like,

I don't have to educate you. It's like, then what's the point of this conversation? If the second I'm like, can you, can you prove that? Can you give me something to go off of? Throw me a link.

Maybe it's like, no, actually, fuck you. I didn't get that far in my own research and I'm not going to further my research for you now i had someone accuse me and the link that they put as proof was of someone else accusing me ah that does it yeah hearsay hearsay now you're caught in a vortex so yeah exactly just the idea like look let's say it's true um holy fuck i'd be a good actor like yeah i don't know if you guys have seen any

of the acting i have done i'm not very good i kind of wouldn't i'm uh i've been in two movies and uh i was a six at best so the idea that i'm able to have this like viral empire of of everything that takes that it takes acting and that I've also written six hours of material to disguise this. I've got six albums. I'm about to record my seventh and none of them have any crowd work

at all. I guess, no, there's one where I do a Q&A at the end because I do ad-lib sometimes, but there's no heckler stuff yeah I didn't think that they were set up or fake or anything I've watched your uh your your clips uh several times in the past I always thought it was very funny um I hate hecklers um I haven't been to a ton of comedy clubs but one of my like the the most memorable experience was taking my

my then girlfriend at the time to a comedy club. It may have been New Year's even, so almost a perfect anniversary here. But I remember being in line outside the comedy club, and there was this obnoxiously drunk blonde woman who was about 37 years old, and she was just falling all over the place and being incredibly loud and obnoxious so that anyone within 10 spaces of her in line was clearly hearing every belligerent like thing she said and she just thought she was so funny she kept like and i looked at my girlfriend and i went that cunt is gonna be a problem like those were my words and sure enough we get in there and the comic was i think his last name's

blue or something um he's josh blue the disabled guy the guy who's in the special olympics very funny guy and uh and and he has to be like shut up you know like this isn't about you what are you doing like like and she's like yeah it's just like that he's like what are you filling in my punch lines like like what are you doing what are you doing and like by the end he's like he like has to stop the whole show and everybody's just like the woman ends up being taken out of the place and she was crying she cried like she was the victim and i just i just wish i wanted someone to like start booting her in the ass like remember when bart simpson got in trouble in australia that time and his punishment was a booting they were gonna put on that enormous boot and kick it in the ass and of course there's

a rip-off of the the american teens in thailand spray painting cars and getting caned at the time but that's what that singapore thank you but that's exactly what she needed she needed a booting out that door she needed to get kicked so so hard in her ass. There was once where some guy was like, was interrupting me a bunch, and I just, you know, I, most, like, I brush it off pretty quickly. Like, the first thing I said, and I've done this a couple times, where someone will mumble something, and I'll be like, I don't know what you said, but it was

probably stupid. And then, like, I go back into my act, and then, like, he says something again, and I'm just like, I just turn around, I go, hey, buddy, no one wants this like whatever you think you're doing right now is the wrong thing to do and like we you know happens a couple times finally he shuts up and so then after the show he comes over and he goes hey man i didn't mean anything by it you know my friend's a comic and you know and he's told me that like that that

that's like a good thing to do and i just just look at him and I go, your friend's a shit comic. And he was like, what? I go, your friend is a shitty, talentless comic. And he's like, how do you know? I was like, look, I don't know who your friend is, but if someone tells someone, I was like, comics know that that's not true. So your friend, as you're describing him as a comic,

is someone who's done comedy a couple of times and his material was garbage. So then he needed someone like you to try to bail him out but professionals don't need you that's why we're able to do shows when you're not there and like i had someone i had someone come up to me afterward once that was just like oh do you see what we did up there and i just look at her i go no no no no there's no we that's what i did like you you threw something at my race car while I was driving around. You jumped in front of my car.

I ran over you and still won the race. That doesn't make you a hero. That means you got run over. But for them, they want the story, and that's all they really want, I think. Yeah. Right? It's such crap, but it's the same way that the people... it's such it's such crap but it's the same way that like the the people uh one of my one of my recent clips was uh i talk about the whole idea of like people posting shitty things on someone's

video being like i didn't like this and how that makes you such a dick and at the end and i was performing with jay black who i mentioned earlier he's a buddy of mine and someone yells out that they like jay black better and so i was like, oh, that's great. He's actually a very close friend of mine. And it's wonderful that you like him. And I think he's hilarious. But he's going to be very disappointed to find out that he's big on the asshole demographic. Like to find out that like dickheads really enjoy him.

That like his biggest fan in the room is a total fucking prick. And I just like went off on that for a while and the reason why it's like every time someone is an absolute dick or completely racist or horribly sexist or homophobic in their comments about how they don't like me i'm just like good i'm so glad you don't find me funny like i'm so glad that someone who's such a shitty horrible human being doesn't enjoy me because what would that say about me? We cast a wide net to all of those dejected from Steve. All you reprehensible people,

come! Come! You're welcome! I've never done it. I've never been that heckler. I've been to, I don't know, not many comedy shows. Two, three. Why would you be, though? Well, I don't want to be a dick this is why i'm why i behaved but i tell you there is a part of me that

i don't it almost appreciates the idiot in the crowd feels like he did do a role you know his role of course was getting his ass kicked but like there's a twisted part of me that sees their point and feels like comics who all seem to be unanimously in agreement hate it more than it's called for well think about it this way does that person have a point during a play no or a magic show i see it i see it he just hey hey show us the bottom now Show us the bottom of the deck! He's not a wizard! Hey! Let's get the fuck out of here, guys!

Come on, let's go! It's exactly like that. You make a good point. There's timing, right? He talked about being able to do this thing with or without an audience. That's because there's this comedic timing. It's almost like music. There's this...

And if he comes in right as you're going but you're like well the da-da is gonna have no effect now like they forgot what the joke was even about you cunt you just made me unfunny like like if like during a baseball game someone stood like someone from the crowd just decided to stand in front of the pitcher like and just thought that that was okay be like he's gonna have to pitch around me yeah i'm not gonna make this game different certainly will be unique yeah comedy comedy is theater just like just like a play is comedy is theater and we all come in there and yes do we have the ability to ad lib and move around and bob and weave more than the average play?

Absolutely. But at the same time, I'm coming in to work on specific jokes. And so I've got, when I go do a show, I have an hour of what I want to present. And sometimes the way the material is working or a new idea I have or whatever might change that. But at the same time, like, one crowd member doesn't get to decide to change it. Because if that's the right thing to do, then how come all 200 people aren't doing it?

And imagine what a shit show it would be if all 200 people were doing it. It's definitely a bad thing. I understand what Woody's saying, in that, if you're someone like me, who would go see a comedy show and not interrupt and just sit there and watch it, I enjoying watching the comedian because it's funny and then if some asshole stands up it just kind of as another third party viewer it just becomes a different

comedy scene you're watching where you're like oh okay well yeah now obviously the guy with the mic's gonna roast this guy and it'll be funny and then i'll go back to doing funny things but for the person in the audience it's almost like oh i really hope he lays into him i hope he really fucking you know digs that knife in yeah but at the same time most of the time hecklers are not standing up and saying something where it's a direct it's literally someone who just won't shut up the whole fucking show and who just like on everything they just have a like i i had there was there was one woman uh in vegas and i haven't put the clip up yet it's i think i'm gonna put it up uh next week but there was one woman in vegas who just wouldn't shut up through

the show she just like and so i do this joke early on i'm trying to remember exactly what it was but i said something about like i was like yeah you know there's slot machines at the airport here and and she just goes terrible ones and i'm like yeah so you know they're and i'm trying to like get back into the joke and she's just like they suck and i'm like yeah i get that everyone has an opinion on everything i say but imagine if we just all said that like and that's that's the problem with most hecklers are the people who like the person at the next table is just like shut up i want to listen to this person you know like i want to hear the act on stage and i can't because your incessant blabber won't fucking stop and for like every one person that pops up that's really good where you can post a clip of it like for every one

of those guys there's got to be a hundred just murmuring and clinking the ice around and just being generally unpleasant to the point where they're not even giving you like a line to work off of they're just being disruptive in my mind's eye the heckler that i was you know like i don't want to say rooting for but enjoying uh you know he had a clever thing to say he had a punch line that was almost as good as yours. He had, you know, found a moment of hypocrisy in your routine or something like that, that, you know, gets the performer to really,

I don't know, show his wit. Oh yeah. I mean, that would be, that would be great if an amateur was just as funny as someone who's been doing it 15 years, but that is very,

very rare. Uh, that, and, and that's the ego that it takes someone where it is be like, I'm just as funny. Be like, this isn't just about being funny. There's a science to this. It's easier to add to than it is to create, though, right?

Like, yes, if you were doing your routine and I just had to come up with six snarky seconds in the next hour, you know, maybe I could. Well, I had so I had one and I was so mad that I was not recording the show. This was when I had a flip camera. And so I can only take one of the two shows in a in a like on a Friday or Saturday. And I'd recorded the early one. And there was this one woman who wouldn't shut up the whole fucking show. She's kept going on and on and on.

And so and, you know, I dealt with her a little bit and I went back to the show. And then at the end, I haven't done my closer yet. And I say something about like, just, you know, thank you people for coming. And I'm about to set up the closer and, you know, and I say, Hey, you know, I really appreciate, you know, you guys all being here. I enjoy what I do. And she goes, that's cause it's easy. And that fucking pissed me off. piss me off so i was like okay you think this is easy and now that you never invite the heckler up to the stage but i was like this will be a fun bet because i still have my closer left and this is a woman who's been drunk the whole night so i go how about you come up here you do five minutes then i'll do five minutes and we'll see how easy it is so she starts to get up and i go no no no let's put money on it i got a hundred bucks says this isn't easy and i take out i happen to be paid the night before in hundred dollar bills so i take out a hundred dollar bill which is awesome as an intimidation factor because it wasn't like let

me count all these fives like let's make not 97 dollars change the bet change the bet exactly do you do you take uh do you take groupon can i know you this you know yeah so uh so you know i take i take it out and i do the whole like you know kind of crisp the money thing and uh and so she starts getting up and i go no no no put your money on the I was like, I want to show that you're serious about this. Put your money on the table. So then she stops and she goes, well, it's been really hard at work lately. And, you know, I don't know if I want to gamble that kind of money. And so then I go, OK, so if I understand you correctly, not only are you not good enough at my job to make $100, you're not good enough at your job to make $100. And it was just this – like it was one of those things where I was like, fuck, if I had that on camera, that would have been a big use.

That's a good one. That's really good. It was just – I mean it was just someone being – and that's the thing. So much of heckling comes from ego. And so a lot of the response from it, it's a psychological thing. And if you really look at my clips and break them down, you'll see that a lot of it is I'm just trying to undermine what they're doing. I'm not swinging back at them. What I'm doing is they're swinging at me.

I'm stepping aside and shoving them to the ground. Like that's the – and that's the difference. And that's why I think mine- I bet the people at that show found that- I bet the people who went to that show, the one with the female heckler who couldn't do either job well, I bet they thought that the ending there

where you put her down was one of the best parts of the night. Oh, I'm sure they did. But that doesn't mean I should be forced to do it. I hear you. Yeah, yeah. I just – I like the part of the football game where they tackle the streaker.

There's just a piece of me that appreciates the art of knocking down hecklers and you're like, oh, I guess that you don't want to, but it's fun for me. And here's the thing. Ever since I've gotten popular for this, a lot of people will be like, oh, do you get heckled more because people know you're the heckler guy? Which is a valid question. But it hasn't happened one time. There hasn't been one time where someone has come at me because of this.

Whenever they do, it's because they're drunk and stupid and egotistical and they don't know any better. Many, many times, someone has said to me after a show, oh, I wish it would have happened. Or someone has said, oh, I'm so glad I got to see it happen live. But no one sees, like, if you see, like, let's say you see a video of a marksman on YouTube

and he can shoot something from, you know, I don't know, you're the gun guy. How far away is impressive? 1,500 yards. Okay, so he can shoot something from 1,600 yards. So it's even more impressive. You don't say, oh, man, I wish he'd shoot me in the face. Oh, I wish I could see him shoot something.

And that's the big difference. Yeah, what's... Like, going with the heckler thing, because I know you've got so many tales of it, is there one kind of example that jumps out in your mind of a time where it went badly, or you did get bested, or somebody got a comment in, and you went,

oh, and it's a comic, you probably hear the comment, and more go, god damn, that was funny and quick, more than, like, anger. That's never happened. That'll never happen. No, because someone who's funny and quick is smart enough not to do that. That's funny. That's a good point. So you have the mic.

I feel like if you're half as good as him, with the mic you win. Absolutely. Not just the mic, but with everyone facing you with the spotlight and with having already been funny for however much time you've been up there. That's what I refer to as the mic. Like, I try to make this about me, but like, I'll be in areas where I'm the famous one, right? And there's, you know, hundreds of people looking or whatever. I spout lines that would not work in a collection of peers that are absolute monsters.

I just slay with them, you with them when I'm the center of attention and everyone oohs and aahs and it's like, I'm not really that funny, I just have the mic. It helps. Yeah, but here's the one that went wrong and this is actually where I learned the psychology of it. It was early on in my career, it was 2004, or actually early 05 when Facebook was really starting to take off.

And I had this thing where I had 200,000 friends on Facebook. It was before anyone had like a big social media. It was like the first thing that kind of got me noticed. And just because I went on this friend quest, kind of making fun of social media in a way. And I was a writer for College Humor, so I had a big platform to do it. Anyway, point is, a lot of people enjoyed it. A lot of people got annoyed by it. because some people like when something's bigger than them and some people get mad when something's bigger than them because they wanted to be that. You

know what I mean? So this one guy was writing me like hateful shit every day and your picture is with there and your name is with there. I know who you are when you're doing that. And so he's just sending me and I'm not doing anything to him it's just a lot of his friends are facebook friends with me and so he's like mad about that because he's got so little in his life whatever it is so i know where he lives i know i know what he looks like and so is in bloomington indiana and i go to a show in bloomington and he's right in the front row so i'm mad before i start because i'm just like fuck this stupid piece of shit he's been you know but i'm trying to hold it back and so right in the beginning he starts sarcastically laughing and he's going ha ha ha

ha ha but it's not so over the top that like if I didn't know who he was, I would have just thought he was he had a weird laugh. You know, maybe he was a little slow, whatever it was. So I break out of my material and I start telling the story of who he is. And I start telling the crowd like this. This little piece of shit has been sending me nasty messages and you know what happens i look like a crazy conspiracy theorist who is just making this all up and this nice little boy in the front row is just laughing you know because he's he's like 20 and baby faced or whatever it was so i lose the crowd completely and i have to do another 40 minutes where they just hated me.

This is good, though. Like, I, to the point where, like, the host goes up after me and he goes, you know, we really like to support Make-A-Wish at this club, and we want to make sure that Steve did get his chance before his final exit of this world. Like, just, it was, I mean, it was atrocious. And that's when I learned um like just it was i mean it was atrocious and that's when i learned like it was early on in my career and that's when i learned like the real key to getting a heckler is you have to make sure the crowd hates them more than you do because if if you show anger if you show fear that the audience doesn't already have then you can't get away with anything however

there was one time and i don't have this on tape but there was one woman in ann arbor and she was at a bachelorette party and she wouldn't shut up she just kept going and going and going and so finally i just went right to her and i said like i was making fun of her for just being such a loud mouth idiot for so long and uh at one point like I said because she said she was the maid of honor I was like great you get to give a fucking speech there and so you know and I got the crowd on my side whatever they absolutely hated her and then I say well you know I hope you catch the bouquet and she holds up her hand and shows her big ass ring that everybody had already seen because she was waving it around like an idiot. And she's like, I'm already married.

And I go, I know. But the way that you talk, your husband's going to leave you soon and you're probably going to die alone. The room went apeshit because that was the nicest thing anyone in the room was thinking about her. Like the rest of the room wanted so much worse for her. So I was almost like the nice guy by only wishing she would die alone so it really is it really is about you know get the crowd to hate them more than more than you do and you know give them enough rope to hang themselves um but on that note i gotta go i got a show tonight oh yeah okay um so what do you have man yeah we go on for like

four hours here but tell our audience here uh where they can go to check out all things that are you, where you want them to go to check you out. Absolutely. So I'm doing a giant 65-city, 18-country tour next year. It's called the Your Tour. And people can not only come to the shows, but there are cool experiences at each show where someone can introduce the show, and you can come and have dinner with me in the other comics beforehand, all kinds of crazy stuff like that. It's called The Your Tour and you can go to theyourtour.com Don't go to yourtour.com

that's just a budget travel site. So if you go to theyourtour.com come and join us and every ticket on the whole tour is $15. So it's not very expensive uh just come out and enjoy it and we're going to be playing comedy clubs theaters rock venues even some people's

houses it's a crazy grassroots tour and of course if they want to see my youtube uh just google the word heckler and it'll come up yeah there you go all right dude thanks for coming on we'd like to have you back another time if you ever want to. Yeah, this was a ton of fun. Thanks, guys. Yeah, for sure. All right. So I don't know where Woody is, but let me tell you a little bit about CISO. Why don't we wait on him to get back?

CISO is the place for comedy. They won't tell you how amazing they are, but we will. CISO is amazing. It's comedy for comedy nerds by comedy nerds. CISO, spelled S-E-E-S-O, is the new ad-free service, bringing you hilarious original series, hand-picked classics, weeks of stand-up specials, and more. Bingeable comedy anytime, anywhere.

CISO, every episode of Saturday Night Live ever, including new episodes the day after they air. The Tonight Show, starring Jimmy Fallon, and The Late Show and Late Night with Seth Meyers the day after they air. And they even have classics like 30 Rock, Parks and Rec, and Saved by the Bell. Even British comedies like The Original Office with Ricky Gervais,

the entire Monty Python catalog, The IT Crowd, Steve Coogan as Alan Partridge, all that stuff. Critically acclaimed originals and exclusive content like Harmon Quest and Funny as Hell. So if you're serious about comedy you absolutely have to try CISO. Stream it anytime, anywhere

on virtually any device. CISO is ad free and starts at just $3.99 a month. Yeah. Oh it's just $3.99 a month. Yeah. That's less than you pay for that latte or artesian cold brewed coffee you're holding right now. So yeah check out CISO. I have CISO. Every now and then there's a movie or some artesian cold brewed coffee you're holding right now so uh yeah check out see so i have see so um

every now and then there's a movie or some comedy thing i want to see that i can't get any other way without using see so i'm a big fan and sometimes you just want comedy you know you don't want to sift through all the rubble and look at the the terrible documentaries that are offered my god some of the documentaries you see available on tv or whatever service here there are horrible just horrible not even like the kind that where they try to be horrible like uh like the sea world one where they really play up like don't you feel bad for the whale now blackfish no do you feel bad for the whale yet i mean yeah kinda you feel bad for it now yeah now i'm starting to feel pretty bad for the fucking whale.

You won, alright? You happy? I'm not gonna go save it. I don't eat whale, that's all you can ask. Right? I'm not gonna go free beluga whales and shit from SeaWorld. So, I don't know. They have beluga whales in Atlanta.

Wow. In our aquarium, yeah. Atlanta has a good aquarium? Yeah, it's pretty state of the art. They built it like three years ago, I guess. It has a good aquarium? Yeah, it's pretty state-of-the-art. They built it three years ago, I guess. It's a really big one. Aquariums are awesome. I was surprised when Steve was saying,

who goes to the zoo? I go to the zoo every year. I feel sorry for those fucking animals, man. The zoo is awesome. Someone wanted to go a while back, and I was like, that's animal prison. I really feel bad of bad about like paying into the system that keeps them there um and and maybe i'm just ignorant about it and like the

animals that they have at the zoo aren't like netted in the wild and like come on you're going to live in concrete cage like maybe these are like you know a panda who got electrocuted by some power lines and now he can't live in the wild because he's blind and he lives in the zoo like that'd be cool with me but i think it is the the latter the former i think they're fucking netting these poor animals out of jungles and so you know some we're just born in captivity that's even worse netted ah so sad i feel bad for animals i think as i get older i feel more and more uh uh compassionate towards animals i was just watching a clip earlier of a cow playing in the snow and it was it was it was a 17 year old cow rubbing its face in the snow.

And it looked so happy. And I was like, ah, shit, we eat those things. He's definitely playing right now. What gets me is when the cows cuddle people. I mean, I see that a lot. Apparently, cows are like dogs if you get to know them. I knew a calf. Very, very sweet.

And you just admit you doing something terrible I do something terrible because I'm a partly flawed person I like steak delicious now it's not terrible you're not just like if you went if you were a farmer who just slaughtered cattle and left them there to rot for the fuck of it like yeah you're just kind of a sadistic bastard raising and slaughtering animals but I keep you're eating the food. I could eat something else, though. Yeah, but it's gross.

You want good things. You want beef. Think about if we raised some bullshit, like, imagine if tilapia was the only thing left. Just a bunch of farm-raised tilapia fish that has no flavor, and it's's sad and you have to try and disguise it with all these other paprika spices and whatnot to get a meal you're gonna be looking at that cow with contempt in your heart at the second you take a second bite maybe that makes a lot of laboratory created beef to replace meat and the cows can live free because you know they're fine they're belching and they're belching so much already it's terrible for the ozone layer well that

methane they're putting out. That's where I attack this from, right? So apparently they're belching and they're farting and all that what they eat is terrible for the environment, right? So maybe it's people like me doing my part in lowering the cow population. No, that's not how it works.

No, that's not how it works. Stop confusing our listeners. You know, stupid vegetarians are letting cows run wild. Doing the Lord's work. Like an environmental tally like Al Gore, where he's like, you know, I'm going to buy a bunch of these credits so I can use my hot tub every single night of the year. I'll buy away my pollution.

That ridiculous thing. I like that. I like that those guys like DiCaprio does that, too. You know, he buys away his pollution. He needs to fly around the world in a jet, you know, to save the environment. So in return, he donates a certain amount of money to offset his carbon footprint. You know who else does something? Scott Adams, the Dilbert guy who loves Trump. He's a solar guy.

Yeah, that's it exactly. He was on the Joe Rogan podcast and he was saying like, hey, I bought this thing. It's going to pay for itself in I think it was 10 years. Do you think that was a good investment? And Joe was like, it sounds like it is you 10 years yet paid back. And then after that free energy and he's like, it wasn't. And I knew it wouldn't be because I knew if I waited three years, it would pay for itself in five or whatever the numbers were. And he's like, but again, I'm going to misquote him. He kind of said something like, but I'm rich and it's kind of my obligation to do things like this. You know, we're the people

who lead the way on investments like this so that the next person along has an even better payoff that was the last joe rogan podcast i don't listen to it as much anymore i used to a few years ago i actually listened to most of the scott adams one that was really interesting like his perspective because i followed him on twitter but i never like looked in to get his like uh real in-depth opinions but he's seems like a really smart guy which you don't immediately think of well i guess that's not fair i don't i've never read dilbert the the comics really like i've seen like random ones here there but i don't know enough to know any characters names other than dilbert like i don't know but to the to the zoo thing yeah it's animal prison but as long as i as i just like going to learn about animals and look at

monkeys and stuff you know i'm not going like haha you wish that you could go you wish you could go swing from the trees don't you you little fucking lemur bastard like i'm watching like man i hope this lemur does some cool exciting stuff i'd like to watch it swing around of course you're not going to or if i walk to the other side of this fucking monkey house then you'll get excited and do something but i wish they could spot you as a fan right like like all these people come in and there may be casual regarding monkeys and then murka comes in he's got like the monkey hat on a big like stuffed banana I love monkeys t-shirt and they're like oh taylor's here we should do some flips and shit don't you you think, guys? Yeah, I feel like

an ill-fitting Gildan chimptastic t-shirt that I clearly just bought at the shop. Yeah, I want the zoo to stick around, even if it is animal prison, because it's cool

to look at animals. And if you, Kyle, tell me this, both of you tell me this. If you could pay for a fee or just go there. I mean, the St. Louis Zoo is free so I don't have to pay to go there. But if they just had a St. Louis penitentiary that I could walk through very safely. They've got plexiglass

between me and the crims. And I can just kind of see how it happens. Wouldn't you want to take a look? Can you promise the crims will throw poo at me like the monkeys might? Oh, God. No, it won't be that. It'll be one of those fucking prison cocktails with piss and blood and jizz and everything else in there. You guys ever watch Reno 911?

Yes, but not for a while. I was just watching it today. There's a clip where, like, I don't recall, but one of the deputies is taking all these boys, these children, on a tour of the jail. They're taking them into the Reno jail, and the cells have plexiglass instead of bars. He's like, you know why we don't have bars no more? And all these little boys are like, why, why? He's like, well, it's one sumbitch coming here, and all night long, his head would end the toilet, get him a mouthful of water, spit it in the floor.

All night long, he spit water in the floor. get him a mouthful of water, spit it in the floor. All night long, he spit water in the floor. Then he climbed up like a monkey on them bars to the socket, pulled out the two wires, and put each wire on a different bar. That morning, when the deputy come in to let him out, he grabbed that bar and got a terrible joke. And it heated up his belt buckle red hot till it just slipped through the leather,

and it cut off his balls. They just fell right there on the floor. Two balls. Not a drop of blood. Just cauterized them right off. And that is why we use plexiglass. Now, come on, y'all. Let me show you some other stuff.

The first time I saw Reno 911, I might have been a teenager. It's an old show. Not that old. No? It took me an embarrassingly long time. You realize it's nice. Yeah, because, like, Cops was huge at the time, right?

And I'm just like, oh, cool. I love these shows. It's like, what is with that guy's shorts? Were you also watching season one of The Office being like, well, I don't know why this guy's curious. Of course the Scranton branch is getting closed down. I'm going to buy some of that paper. I know that.

He's not the only one doing any work around here. That guy set fire to the microwave yesterday. You know, he's doing a very insensitive racial training. Now this is not going to last. They really should define that assistant to the manager versus assistant manager thing. I mean, this can't last. The best Reno 911.

I must have watched it. I was 10, 15 minutes in before I figured out that that show was fake. I was just like. The best flip to show someone if you want to, like, keep that going. Because I like to do that with trailer park boys, too. Show them a few bits so that they think, oh, this is realistic. This is, like, real shit. It's a little wacky, but okay, it's real.

And then you get to the crazy fucking episode there's one in reno 911 where uh the blonde with the boobs always out pulls over a drunk driver and as she's giving him the dui test he's like he's drunk as shit clearly but he's just acing it he does the alphabet backwards like like like she's like wow i've i've actually never seen anyone do that before and then instead of like walking a straight line he ends up she's she's like she like does a dance number like she's like a rocket or something and he's like well that's nice but but what if you did and he starts like dancing he's like a barrel roll and a do-si-do and a ha she's like wow that's that's pretty impressive are you a dancer he's like no no i'm just drunk i have seen that if you watch it on youtube it looks like a dui pullover like it

looks legit yeah i i think some of the earlier episodes maybe they did a better job of being that trailer park boys like sort of mockumentary type thing sure yeah and you know if you it depends what part of an episode you're watching because you know they start dealing with like tt who's like this black crackhead woman with like beach ball titties that are like bouncing independently as she runs around with like knives and stuff you're like whoa this is real this yeah yeah this is real i used used to love Cops. I don't think Cops comes on, like, I don't know where it comes on. Maybe Real TV now.

But when I was growing up, it was on Fox. Like, it came on at, like, 8 Eastern. Fucking primetime television. Or something, yeah. What you gonna do? Rap boys, what you want, what you wanna do? And they didn't have the tasers back then. They had the nightclubs. I know I've talked talked about this before but there was one cop who had fucking

nunchucks and i was like what the fuck those aren't regulation and a guy's running from and he flicks the nunchuck and hits the guy in the leg and he falls and i was like that's got to be the first time in like a thousand years that one human actually used nunchucks as an effective offensive weapon instead of just something to like hit yourself in the balls Yeah, I and Indiana Jones where he throws the bolo and he wraps him up and it somehow works But I mean maybe they should be able to use nunchucks if it's their culture these Sikh police officers get their turbans Maybe you get some nunchucks Japanese you can opt into a katana. It's important that we don't confuse the kind and peaceful-minded Sikhs with the Muslims.

Those are two very different groups of people. I'm completely cool with their turbans. If you want military turbans, police turbans, the whole thing. I don't know. I'm really torn on it, on this thing. I have to fix Taylor's video. Not missing anything you're not you are partly to my right and partly to kyle's left you are way over there oh that's

all better taylor now i don't have to fix it taylor got it uh anyway um so i've got the pictures of the Sikhs on there. They have, I guess, NYPD-issued turbans now. And I saw it, and I was like – so like Kyle said, I get that Sikhs are – I think they're typically Indian. People don't know they're the warrior class. If a kid is – there's a class structure. A caste system. Yeah, a caste system. like a caste system yeah caste system and uh they all one little let me throw this caveat in there because it's cool and i because i have a little bit of respect for the sikhs because they do this they uh and modern sikhs have sort of toned this down but they have to carry a dagger the ceremonial

like eight inch dagger at their own their body at all times and the only purpose of this dagger the only thing they could ever use it for is to defend the innocent. Like, that seems like a cool part of a cool religion. I'm okay with everything with them. But they wear the turban because they can't cut their hair, you know? I like that. It's a very Game of Thrones-y thing, you know? I worked with a bunch of Indian guys, and I asked them, like, hey, are Sikhs really that badass? Like, would you assume that if a guy was, like, you're in high school, and that guy's a Sikh, like, can he kick everyone else's ass?

And they were like, yeah, probably. Probably. You know, like, he would kick everybody's ass, except for the other Sikhs. Like, they're the warrior people. So I don't know how that gets passed, like, the badass gene gets passed down among them, but I guess it does. Still, though, I see it and i'm like i'm not sure that i love what to me kind of looks like a personal article of clothing i get

it's a religious article of clothing right well you know like and there are state officials which is like the only issue i could see and also like yeah you know how when you see cops walking around you notice differences in uniforms like if you see one cop that has like a different hat on or different kind of outlook you're like okay that's not just a cop that's a bike cop or that's a different kind of cop like if I see these people walking around with

a different like if I see any cop with a different kind of garb I'm going to be like okay that must be a different class of cop like that's a different thing that's probably not an NYPD that could be a meter maid or that could be a you know sex crimes division or something like there's a reason that they have uniforms and the word uniform is exactly what it is it's a uniform you have a uniform group of clothes that everyone agrees to wear in order to describe to everyone without having to explicitly say it to everyone

you pass I perform this job this is my job so that's why they let you wear glasses if you need glasses and you know they'll let you wear they'll let you wear a crucifix or a star of david you know a necklace if you want to do that yeah but if you wanted to wear uh you know a yarmulke as a jewish cop instead of the cop hat i don't know if that's good because like you want... Well, they don't wear it outdoors. I know, but you want uniformity. You would want... The ideal thing is if you see a bunch of cops... Rather than tearing down the specific examples Mirka brings, I feel like

I'm lining up with Mirka's concept. I feel like when he says, look, there's a uniform that people wear. It shouldn't be based on your religion. Not a state job anyway um yeah that's kind of where i'm coming from this that i'm i just like dude wear the cop uniform just be a cop yeah that's part of the job but then their hair would be like crazy long because they've never cut it

in their lives like what do they do with another religious thing i didn't actually know that you might have i didn't know that either like then you probably have to cut your hair like and you and then you say to them yeah i know one thing with this is like oh you can have beards up to half an inch long okay but ted over there who just wants to have a beard because he thinks he looks better in one he can't because he's not a so now you're literally ascribing privileges to people based on their belief system does that guy have to convert and then he's allowed to but he has to wear the turban too you know it's just there's no reason i understand why people would want this it's their religion obviously but you're performing a state job and you're disrupting uniformity for the sake of selective inclusion basically i'm okay with it

because because i think it's such a part of their uh of their religion it's and it's it's such a peaceful religion they certainly would never force you to wear one like if the sikhs were in charge they wouldn't want you to wear a turban if you don't want to wear one that's the difference i think they're not enough i i'm just i'm just much cooler with the sheiks like expressing themselves and again and having 100 religious freedom and being because it's not like they're wanting to rub it in anyone's face that's not their thing it's not like they're trying to advertise that they're Sikh it's like these are some of the major tenets of their religion it's like don't cut your hair it's it's the dagger a lot of Sikhs cut their hair now that that you're right that is a thing

but the modern trend is that they're cutting their hair now oh those aren't real Sikhs that's what the real Sikhs would say that's what the real seeks would say yeah they do this thing where they'll wear a necklace with the with the dagger on it you know just kind of just like you would wear a crucifix or a star of david and it's like ah that's not that's cheating no you need a big fancy arabic looking curved dagger that you have to pull out to defend the innocent with like i'd be cool that too they should be that should be part of the police uniform the dagger yeah big fancy curved dagger i'd be okay with that i am i just i don't know i don't think anybody gives a shit yeah nobody gives a shit it's not like hey you can't

practice your religion but you know if you are going to tell uh whatever that fat idiot's name was if i'm not marrying gay people you know like then you can't just choose to respect some people's wishes in the context of government about religion and not others like there's a reason it's valuable to have you know a complete separation there like hey I'm religious so I'm not marrying them well I'm sorry this

is your job you are here to do the will of the state if you don't want to do it that's fine you can pack up and leave but while you are here you fat idiot you will marry these two men or these two women because that's what you have to do like i don't want to wear this i want to wear a different hat i want to do this this doesn't conform to my religious freedoms i'm very sorry about that we're not doing it maliciously we just know the value of uniformity in a police uh precinct or whatever and just having that standard like on a semi-related note i think

that if you pose for a driver's license picture you can't wear a burka yeah of course not it's for identity purposes yeah yeah your identification card should probably fucking show who you are you know regardless of how you feel about anything i need to know what's under that turban just in case right so the argument of but it's her religion doesn't fly with me in that situation and it doesn't fly with me in that situation and it doesn't fly with me in this one either like i dude no you shouldn't get special privileges for your religion in a state job well really ideally you shouldn't get special privileges anywhere i don't think cops are allowed to have long hair either no you're not supposed to have

facial you cannot i think you can have a mustache and you have to have be shaved everywhere else and have clean cut hair yeah everywhere else the chief likes to come and check oh man is he a stickler for that he spanked me last time was my ass red like the commissioner of the nypd is like every like the second of every month he's like dancing into the shower you know oh it's, it's you know, it's shave check Tuesday. Favorite day of the month. Going to all the precincts. There's a line like communion except that you have to

drop your pants and give you a cracker for some reason. I don't know why. Bring me back all of our blonde haired officers. But yeah, I just don't like special uniforms around someone's personal religion. I feel like that should stay private and it shouldn't be part of that stuff. I'm okay with it.

I'm okay with it. I just – I can't see anything bad about it. And like the more you read about their religion – Because Sikhs are good guys. Yeah, yeah, exactly. The more you read about the Sikh religion, the more it's like, man man Maybe all of our cops should be Sikh. Maybe that's what we should do I think we have a lot less problem if we if we had trusted our entire police force to the Sikh I think the big parts of their religion seem to be about justice and like correcting wrongs in the world and righteousness

And I don't want to rain on any parade the biggest Air terror attack in history in North American history prior to 9-11 was committed by Sikhs in the 80s. Really? 329 people died, most of them Canadian. India Air Flight 182. What were they angry about? But it's not all Sikhs, obviously. It's the same thing as when any religious group does it.

It's just like some shitty ones. And I'll tell you more. Baba Khalsa was the name. India's police? Fucking horrible. They're terrible. religious group does it it's just like some shitty ones and i'll tell you more baba kasa was india's police fucking horrible they're terrible like here you call the police if you're robbed hoping that the police will help you in india the police rob you too they just yeah yeah well that well that hasn't had anything to do with the sikhs necessarily you know they come from india no yeah but india's an enormous place there's like a billion and a half people in india they like they come from one region of

India. It's one little like... They got their own thing. Overall though, there is not a trend that I'm aware of, of Sikhs committing violent attacks. Those are Hindus. Those are Hindus that are... When I looked it up just out of curiosity, the thing that came up was that thing in the 80s.

There wasn't like a 2006 Sikh attack. I don't know. I'm sure there is. There's a was that thing in the 80s like there wasn't like a 2006 Sikh attack or I'm I don't know I'm sure there is there's a ton of people in the world but this it doesn't yeah they seem like religion I don't know enough about it I'll have to read into it seems interesting pretty nice I I'm all for them having their turbans if they want them uh that that's cool with me uh as long as they're able to do their duty 100 what I don't want to hear is like oh it's Ramadan so officer McMorley is out this 100%. What I don't want to hear is like, oh, it's Ramadan, so Officer McMorley is out this month. I don't want to hear that.

That's the next step from here. Yeah, I don't want to hear that. That's different to me. This guy's like, I asked this Sikh guy, what are you doing here? Why are you wearing that? Well, I have to wear this. Kyle, explain to me how this exception of the rules is different than the exception to work on whatever month or something.

Because it affects his job? Because you're saying that, okay, because of my religion, I only work 11 months out of the year. Of course I want my regular paid vacation leave and sick days and stuff. But during Ramadan, I can't eat, so I can't really enforce the law, as it were, or work or anything. So I won't eat, so I can't really enforce the law, as it were, or work or anything, so I won't be here. Whereas the Sikh guy is like, I mean, it almost seems like if he's going to grow his hair that long, it seems like, well, we've got to put it somewhere in there. I just don't think a hat.

It's basically a hat, you know? One guy is saying, I want to wear my fancy hat. The other guy is saying, I won't be here this month at all. But it's part of, yeah, but it's still the thing of you're giving people special allowances due to nothing else other than their religion while they're working we can have casual friday where everybody wears sneakers too if you want to like i in the end it's about the results that that are provided i don't care it's not like the the police department is some like honored thing where like oh i can't believe there's a man in uniform wearing a turban like that doesn't offend me like Like I just don't care.

It doesn't have to, like it doesn't offend me seeing them in a turban. Like it's not like an offensive thing. It's just, I don't think you should get special. Maybe some people find it offensive. I don't, I think that's dumb. I think it's just a bad thing and that you shouldn't give people special treatment based on religion. And if you say, well, I can't cut my hair.

I can't shave. I can't wear that regular hat. It's like, I'm sorry. Like you're welcome to go into the private sector and wear this attire to your heart's content. Unfortunately, for this job, it is required that you wear this. Like, that's how it would be handled if I went in and said, hey, I look like a fat, giant-headed buffoon if I shave every day. May I please have a short beard and they'll go no it looks like your argument when you have like a standard physical fitness requirement that that means that there aren't any women police officers

at the same time like if all you care about is like uniformity and everybody does the same thing then like you gotta really stick to it it's not necessarily everybody does the same thing it's just there you need a standard of uniformity with police. Like if for one thing, let's say that there's a couple of no good Knicks out there on the street of New York and they see a cop dressed like this walking towards them. Their first thought might not be, oh, this is an officer of the law. I got to really shape up. I got to get ready and run. Whatever happens. They might see that and go, I don't recognize that as a police officer.

Is that a special cop? Is that what? This isn't something I'm familiar with it sounds silly but people make impressions based on what they see is that a real police officer because when you've ingrained into people's minds exactly what a cop looks like for decades and then you change it

you know obviously people would catch on maybe I don't know how many Sikh cops there are in New York I just think it's a slippery slope to allow people special allowances based on religion but i've said that 50 times i'm cool with it i i don't care it doesn't matter to me i there is definitely a change my life one iota yeah there's definitely a line i wouldn't want frost you know like like i know there's like police cruisers that say in god we trust on the side you know they make a big deal out of that yeah i don't like that either i don't really like that yeah but it's not changing my life but it's something where it's

like yeah you really shouldn't have a religious thing on there like that we have that separation for a reason there's a reason for it sure yeah okay let me uh is it is it ad read time again oh it's always ad read time hit Hit up with an ad. Tell everyone a bit about NatureBox so they can get some free snacks. Let me make my screen bigger here. What do you do when you want a snack but all you can find is junk food? Rely on your self-control to resist

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nature box is offering painkiller already fans 50 off your first order when you go to nature box dot com slash pka that's nature box dot com slash pka for 50 off your first order um those really are good snacks i uh i don't i don't always eat i don't always eat very healthy um especially considered that crate of soda that just got delivered today but um but i do like the nature box have you had any of that man there were so many of them that were not carbonated like what like yeah it's it's so upsetting because i got like a hundred dollars worth of soda um i ordered off this website it with shipping it's like three dollars a bottle or something like that and uh and like i i must open four of them in a row

and just tasted them and they taste like flat sugar water so like cough syrup and it like like four in a row we tasted and we're just like oh god this is ruined this is terrible and it's like, like four in a row we taste it and we're just like, ah, God, this is ruined. This is terrible. So it's been really upsetting. So for people that are in the background, I showed Kyle this video. I think we talked about it on PKN and it's on Vimeo. So everyone knows Vimeo, I'm sure. And it's called Obsessives colon Soda Pop.

And there's a guy who owns a small store, like a little grocery store. And all he sells is soda. All he sells is soda. Pretty much no diet. There's a guy who owns a small store, like a little grocery store, and all he sells is soda. All he sells is soda. Pretty much no diet. There's a little. And he has lots of sodas that maybe, like, you've never heard of. Like, apparently his cucumber soda is way better than you would expect. Rose soda.

Rose soda. And, you know, like, he doesn't sell Coke or Pepsi, but he sells some other things. Double Cola. Manhattan Special, all that stuff. Lots of rare older beverages, remembering stuff like this. And so Kyle saw it, got inspired. And apparently you can buy some online at very high prices. And so he bought one hundred dollars worth of soda, which is, I guess, about 30. and uh so he bought a hundred dollars worth of soda which is i guess about 30 so it is um wow it sounds like we already have like 12 in busts oh like like it was mostly a bust um

there's been a couple of them that were good support no i it's like what am i what are they gonna be like what are you gonna do like i feel like they just got shook in transport so like ordering soda offline's a bad idea although oh that went badly off but like i would have been like look like i guess these weren't packaged well enough to survive shipping they were packaged so well they were like there was lots of like foam and like there was a box and i don't know that now i ordered a 12 pack from a different company um a few days prior to this $100 purchase, and it came in a big, giant styrofoam-like thing that was

meant to hold bottles of soda. All of those were good. All of those were carbonated and fine. But man, it's been really disappointing. I got the Manhattan Special, which is the only three ingredients are espresso, coffee, sugar water, and...

You got coffee soda. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, that's it. It's just coffee soda. Yeah, it's coffee soda. And I remember the guy talked about it. He's like, it's coffee soda. And it tastes like you'd expect coffee cola to taste like.

It's got coffee in it. It's really tasty. I liked that one. But it also wasn't that carbonated. I got my Virgil's root beer with the bavarian nutmeg uh that comes in one of those and like a half liter um old style pop top bottle that's like the the you know you and you like push the metal thing and like cantilevers off that was perfect and uh and i love those i love the bottle and everything but yeah all to

be like that what do the other ones twist off now that you know you take a bottle opener and he's a oh wait then what's the other kind it's like a cantilevered um have you ever had water at like a fancy restaurant where you pour it out of a big glass bottle that has that pop on the top where you lift the metal thing which allows you to pull the cork out and then you then you pour it and you just leave it there they have it at all no maybe i'm not dining at the same restaurants as you taylor oh you have not lived until you've poured your own water your own lukewarm tap water out of a fancy glass bottle that they got guaranteed 60 for two pricing at pier one at the end of the year probably uh what are we looking at here yes exactly it's almost it's almost completely identical to that bottle but it's a root beer yeah i don't know that was five dollars and 60 cents or something like that there's a real good beer though right it must have been next time i'll

just drive to atlanta where i know they are the international uh market in atlanta has a ton of that stuff that's what i should have done i have seen that bottle. I don't know if I've had it in a restaurant. Now that I see it, I'm like, sure. But that's how the root beer comes. It's very satisfying when it pops off. The packaging, soda in a glass bottle makes me

feel like this is a special soda. We went to that Paramotor fly-in in Virginia a while ago. On the way there, I saw two Pepsis for sale with real sugar in them. And they came in a glass bottle, and they had a metal top, and it was just like, I'm going to save these for the end-of-the-night campfire sodas. And we did, and they were extra good. I don't know. I think it's the packaging.

They are better. It's the same thing with beer, I think, where if you're drinking a Bud Light Bud Light tastes better out of a glass bottle than out of that can, and it's the same exact thing. I mean, I'm sure aluminum changes how stuff tastes if it sits in there. I don't know. It definitely does. Well, it's two things. It's the carbonation, as Woody knows.

You know, you don't lose any of the carbonation, supposedly, in a glass bottle. I'm going to go get one of these glass bottles, and I'm going to pop it, and you'll be able to see just when you open it, because normally when you get a Coke, I like those Mexican Cokes that have the pure sugar in them instead of corn syrup, and when you see the bubbles kind of come to the top and make a little foam.

There's a little bit of mist. Yeah, a little mist, exactly. I'm going to go grab one of these things and show you how shitty this is, because I got a fridge full of just sugar water that tastes like cough syrup. That sucks. I guess it was a week and a half ago or something, Hope came home, and she had six different sodas.

And they were like prickly pear soda. That's an up-and-comer. S'mores was one of the flavors. It's not just lime. What is the pie called? Key lime. I guess it was key lime or key lime pie. There are ones you just knew would be bad.

Bacon, peanut butter, and jelly. They try so hard to push the bacon into everything. And there's just some places where you don't – most places you don't need bacon most places bacon isn't needed there's a lot of food out there you know that's five out of six better than i thought and we tasted them all and i think i like one uh it was a little disappointing because i was so excited when she came home with this bounty and uh we all had like our like they weren't shot glasses they're your flights yeah. Is that what it is, a flight?

Yeah, like a flight of beers. You'll order five small glasses of it, and then you can try four ounces of each different kind of beer instead of being like, I want seven full beers. That's exactly the experience. Yeah, yeah, so we had them lined up, and we'd pour the prickly pear into each one, and we'd all taste test.

Typically, we'd all be like, yeah that's bad you won't even finish this bottle i gotta you know sometimes i taste it i'd be like maybe it's maybe it needs a second taste you know because so does a complicated taste and i don't drink most of the things i eat chicken potatoes whatever it's not a complicated taste. Beer, which I don't really like, but I can see that it's a complicated taste. Wine, you can taste it and be like, ah, you like it. V8, I like V8. Next time you drink V8, which, you know, probably never.

I like V8 Fusion. Look at the bottle it comes in and drink V88 and you'll be like i can taste the celery i can taste the tomato i can taste the salt of course and it's just a bunch of fruit and salt and you're like yeah like i'm really like getting every ingredient in this v8 so these sodas which are like just as complicated as a v8 in terms of like the the formula the taste that some of them we try twice and some of them we just knew right off the bat were terrible none of them were i want this again yeah that i like that sampling kind of thing like at restaurants you can do it uh we did that when i was in high school me and a bunch of friends i

don't know if i've said told this on pka i'm sure i have so many episodes but we basically got a wild hair up our ass yeah welcome to woodland so stop me if i've told it but it was in high school and catch kyle we were talking about trying flights of beer flights of soda you've done that before i'm sure where you get a bunch of small glasses and we were in high school and sometime over a break and so everybody was the gang was all there and they were like all right we want to get drunk tonight because we're in high school and we're not supposed to and we want to do things we're not supposed to and we were like yeah we should get beer or liquor and then someone had the idea of like no how about we have like a

really classy night where we go and get a bunch of cheeses and a bunch of wines and we all go home and we get dressed up and then we show back up where we're having this party and we just have a very classy evening of getting getting drunk and so we did that and we had got a bunch of wine you got a bunch of cheeses and for the first maybe that looks good Kyle for the first hour because the way we set it up is we had like 13 bottles of wine i think there were seven or eight of us so far too much wine and then a bunch of plates of cheese with like descriptors we put on it like goes well with the red uh whatever the fuck ah this pairs well with the zinfandel a light fruity thing like like silly amounts of detail in there

and for the first like hour it was us drinking wine like kids but the way we thought that adults at wine tastings would we'd be like yeah give me give me a tiny piece of that sliced cheddar and i'm gonna take half a bottle of the red and then just we guzzle it down the whole time being like yeah that actually is pretty good with this cheese. I still remember I had that drunken moment of lucidity about five hours after that. The wine party had taken a turn. The wine, there were so many empties of bottles of wine. The cheese had long passed or sat there to the point of almost melting. And I had that moment of like I'd been blacked out for a couple hours and everybody was drunk.

And then like I had that snapback as I remember looking out across the basement we were in, seeing the pool table. Two of my friends were shirtless, chasing each other for some reason. This is not how adults drink wine and cheese. No, no, there weren't nice dress shoes. This is how 15- and 16-year-olds do it. There weren't nice dress shoes. Someone was like swashbuckling with a couple of the pool cues.

Someone had just passed out with some red stains on the front and i just remember thinking like this isn't how i imagined our wine party just blackout drunk because i'm like three of us trying to salvage it like no don't spill wine you know it turns out when you pack a bunch of high school is full of red liquid that they're likely to expel every opportunity of a gag is an emergency like hey you get the fuck out of here get the fuck out fuck out of here you know no way we're cleaning up a giant murder scene when you yak up half a quart of the finest boxed red wine that we could get exchange for lottery tickets i was like 15 years old, and I liked this girl. And I think she liked me back. We had this, like, I liked her, and she didn't like me, and then reverse situations.

Anyway, I'm going to ask her out, and I'm 15, but I decide that getting her drunk would be in my best interest. So we both worked together at this store called Old Salt. It's on the boardwalk in Ocean City. And behind it, there was like a 30-year-old parking attendant with long hair. The kind of guy who knows where you can get pot. Like, not that I wanted pot, but that's my description of him. You knew he'd know. You knew he'd know.

That's great. So anyway, I go back there and I'm like, I like a six pack of beer or 12 pack of beer i want to do this romantic date and we're gonna have beer and hot dogs and he's like are you sure you don't want to go the wine route and i'm like i don't i really think beer is the thing that like people in my age group seem to covet you know like it and i'm asking him to buy me beer and what was great about him was not that like he wouldn't do it it was just that he was trying to upscale my trying to help you out yeah so this guy that you pulled a hey mister with gave you a little romantic tip afterward exactly nah kid give her a few of these yeah and then i'll come with you in the end putty in your hand i

was set up with a basket with a cloth in it and a glass and a bottle of wine and i don't think we ever went on a date but but i think he did send me in the right direction he did yeah definitely you should like that's funny that you asked a guy who's you know ostensibly homeless and a vagabond you buy me this in exchange for the three slim jims you can get with the change that you asked a guy who's you know ostensibly homeless and a vagabond to be like hey can you buy me this in exchange for the three slim jims you can get with the change yeah yeah yeah i'm probably gonna use it no no slim jims i haven't eaten in a few days i'm an alcoholic you know how it goes uh yeah you who you're getting beer oh fuck man you know i haven't been in your situation in a while but definitely uh i'm not a guy who should take light tips from but go with wine you

know and he's out there but real quick i, I'm going to go get that alcohol. You know, because I'm falling for your dollar. Trust me, kid. Yeah. He really liked me. I would pass him every day as I went to work. And, you know, either on a bike or walking. He was friends with your arcade buddy with the handful of quarters.

That guy was definitely a pedophile. They were part of the same men's group. That guy. There was a time in my life, like like in the 20s it's like you know that might have been a pedophile it's weird that a grown man would ask like a 14 year old to come back to his apartment to check out his really cool stereo that is so it it is weird that that they checked my prostate i mean i was only 14 and he wouldn't let me look at his tools. He blindfolded me throughout the whole procedure,

and it was rather uncomfortable. He's the guy that taught me how to play pool. Like, he taught me how to play. This was at an arcade, so you had to pay, like, I don't know, 50 cents or a dollar every game, and he would just, it was an investment he was making in my tiny ass.

He's like, yeah, maybe $6, and I'll finally fuck this kid. Well, you know what? If he was going out to a bar to try and pick up an adult woman, he'd probably have to have bills. Yeah. You know, like at least. But, you know, he was going for the lowest hanging fruit children in an arcade. He nailed it too.

Like, I was really curious about that stereo. Like, it was the perfect thing to say to me. You could tell. What are you still curious about what kind of subwoofers this guy had? He's like, maybe I should have went. How bad could it be? He had a Panasonic G400, kids. Okay, I could take a little

dick. If I could turn the dial, if I could pick the song, hey, hey, hey. I keep picturing Woody being like, and you know that guy's name? Jeffreyrey bows it's like you know he would have given me a job he set my whole life up you know and all because i thought he wanted to fuck me i didn't take that risk you know like two years later i worked the entire summer all summer long to save up and buy myself a stereo which i did and it was awesome and the speakers

were like nipple high and there were two of them it was it was a rock well that was the cool thing back in the day was the gigantic speakers right yeah they sounded good too at all like now the trick is to somehow have invisible speakers or or have speakers the size of your eyeball that sound like they're four feet tall but back when speakers were four feet tall, they were really good. I could entertain the whole neighborhood. I'm sure they were impressed with my song selection. Little George Michael Faith, you know? You're the neighborhood's DJ.

Rest in peace. Let me pop this thing and see if it tastes like shit or not. Do it near the mic, please. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's see. Let's see if we can see the telltale wisp that should come out. It's been properly carbonated. Did it open yet?

Oh, yeah. Really? That was lackluster like you said it would be. There's no smoke. There's no CO2. No, there's no bubbles in the neck. There's no mist. Okay, so he2. No, there's no bubbles in the neck. There's no mist. Okay, so he's putting his thumb on it and shaking it.

Take a little sip out. We actually got some bubbles that time. This might be a good sign. Take a little sip out of it so you can get a good shake. Get some more bubbles. That one's actually okay. This one worked. All right, yeah.

This one's got soda. How is it? It's not very good it sounds good i i almost bought a hundred dollars worth of soda from the website you linked me i was on the buy page i had everything picked out see the shipping and i was thinking i'm gonna wait and see what kyle's experience is before i spend 114 dollars on these specialty sodas. This one's a good one. This was a winner. This one's carbonated. It's got a little bite to it. It's tasty.

I was joking about it not tasting bad. It's okay. But, you know, at least six of them I just poured out because they were just shit. That sucks. Yeah, exactly. You just gotta put that out of your mind. It's like the key lime pie one. I'm just like, oh, you would have been so good.

It was a real upsetting time when I started cracking those things open one after another and each one was just fucking shit. Very upsetting. That's infuriating. Especially how excited you get for those little things.

When you went to the door that day, you're like, oh my god, my soda's here. Oh, Kitty was... I mentioned to Kitty the kitty i was like i got a bunch of sodas coming to my oh they came today i was like oh you know like pulling my knife out to get this box apart yeah i was excited um but but most of them have been shit uh not carbonated um uh yeah very upsetting i got a bunch of cool stuff. I got a bunch of cherry. Remember the cherry soda that he was going on and on about in the show, in that little Vimeo video? It's like something vine, cherry cordial,

or cherry delight. It's so fucking good. Really? I got three. Yeah, those came in the 12-pack that I originally got, and I got like three or four of those. And each one, it tastes like a carbonated jar of maraschino cherries. It's so sweet and delicious.

Sounds good. Yeah, it's amazing. It's so good. I wanted that. I didn't have it. Oh, they didn't have it? So he tells this story of a kid. I think he comes in, and he gets a soda that you wouldn't expect them to like i

forget what it is like grapefruit or something he's like do you have anything else do you have anything else and he recommends in the cucumber and sure enough the kid comes back and he loves the cucumber and it was just so convincing the guy didn't if he's a salesman he's a master salesman because he didn't seem like he was trying to sell it to me he seemed like he was sharing his soda enthusiasm with me and uh it just it was infectious it made me want he made a lot of sense he was he was like these are all the reasons why the consumer consumer is getting a shitty product when there used to be this huge variety of amazing cool products you'd ever heard of the truth is somewhere closer to there's like

eight flavors that are actually good although if you want to experiment and you like soda anyway like maybe you want a manhattan special or a double cola or a red vine or a whatever this is philbert's old-timey watermelon soda or something like that. I don't think of myself as a soda person, right? Like a soda person to me is someone who hydrates with soda, right? They keep a Pepsi, like, two liter in the fridge at all times. And when they're thirsty, they drink that or Coke. And that to me is a soda person. And that's not us.

There's no soda in our refrigerator. But, you know, like maybe I'm a liquid candy person I would love to see what a cucumber liquid candy tastes like if the 12 packs of Diet Dr. Pepper were sentient like that movie Meat Grinder whatever the fuck it was, Sausage Party

in the conference they wouldn't even have time to formulate hypotheses about what was occurring in the world like the guy who was last in line in the 12 pack would be trying to scream to the new 12 pack, get out! Try and roll the freedom! Maybe you can make it!

And he'd be snatched up and they'd be like, God, he's being a real bitch, isn't he? And then they'd soon find out, you know? Oh my God, it's 7 in one day? We're not gonna last! You know? I've got this, there's like a little coffee bar in my kitchen where like all the coffee shit is because it's like three fucking machines

and a bunch of accessories because everybody else has something fancy they want to put in their coffee here apparently but uh on the bottom shelf of that i've got like like right now i think there's about 120 sodas there something like that and the way that i put a 12 pack of diet dr pepper into the fridge i pull out the bottom drawer uh which is like i don't know what it used to be but now it's the soda drawer and i just yeah i just tear open that little part of the end of the soda thing and i just go and just dump the whole 12 pack in there. Just don't even give a fuck. It's so loud. And all the others are watching this. Like, ah!

They know what's happening. They know what's coming. Yeah, people who dabble in soda, they restock so casually that they just put it side-by-side cans. We do it like we're pouring ammunition in a war situation. We need to get this in there now situation we need to get this you know in there

now you know these need to be getting cold stat i need a cold soda three minutes ago god damn it you know and they just poured it in there uh yeah i love diet dr pepper i'm a fan of some i like a dr pepper tin i like dr pepper tin uh better than diet dr pepper i can't tell much of a difference honestly i taste sweeter to me it tastes sweeter to me. It tastes sweeter to me. I just feel like I'm getting hoodwinked into consuming 10 calories. No, those are 10 good calories. Those make all the difference. I like all the 10 sodas.

There's like a Seagram's ginger ale 10. There's like an orange crush. There's like an orange 10 tin, a root beer tin, all that stuff. The 10 one, because I like ginger ale. Ginger ale is less calories anyway. I like ginger ale a lot. Real bust ordering from these fucking soda people. Real shame.

In the future, I will... That first website I ordered from, those were all great, but they had a very limited selection. I also got the champagne soda. That was not good. That first website I ordered from, those were all great, but they had a very limited selection. I also got the champagne soda. That was not good. I got a bunch of different fucking sodas, and for the most part, it's been a real bust.

Sometimes there's a 20% chance this will be good. Let's see what it is, and then sure enough, not good. I wouldn't have guessed champagne. I got one called Warm Ooze, which I haven't tasted yet, so I don't have high hopes. I mean, the watermelon isn't so hot so i figured when you get to warm ooze you're really warm that's like the natty light of this brewery pretty hair was the best one we had and it was like a six out of ten like it wasn't it wasn't like black cherry from uh who makes the good ib? Yes. Or they make a good cream soda too.

There's a reason that IBC doesn't make prickly pear soda. I might make my own batch of root beer to see how that goes. The ingredients are super simple. It's interesting about you, Kyle. You cook things. You make stuff.

There's a craftsman in you that produces food. I wouldn't go that far. I just have it. I do it again. I – yeah. Like every so often. What were the like baked goods you were texting us about recently? I cooked those chocolate souffles in the ramekins.

And what was the other thing? It had a pea in it. Pea? I'm having a hard time recalling. What did I make? Did I make a... Pasta. I'm having to go back through the text to see what I even cooked. Pot Thai.

It was... Oh, It was the Bundt Cake. The sour cream Bundt Cake and I made the chocolate souffle last week. I think it is the Bundt Cake I was thinking of and I don't know where I got the P. Not a Bundt Cake. This is Bundt Cake.

Delicious. It was like a gigantic chocolate covered donut. That was pretty tasty was that yeah I like fun cake or one that you made is it oh? Well, I didn't like I didn't like apparently you could heat up that knife and be YouTube famous I haven't even watched one of those videos, but I have they're recommended to everyone like what is it? Oh on on YouTube. I haven't even seen the video, so I'm going to get this wrong, but based on the title and thumbnail,

he appears to heat up a knife until it's glowing red and then cut shit, like a bottle of Coca-Cola. I don't even know what else he cuts. It's the whole channel, just hot knife? It appears hot knife. You don't even need a press anymore. Yeah. Today we are going to use my favorite knife. Going to get it very hot.

1,000 degrees Kelvin. That's what it is. Or whatever unit they use it. It always says 1,000 degree knife cuts through batteries. 1,000 degree knife through butter. 1,000 degree knife through whatever. Through butter would be a very boring video. Boom!

It kind of goes through the same as when it is not hot very easy i wonder what a very hot knife through butter does it wastes a lot of butter that melts to the side probably but yeah that that channel is exploding i'm gonna i need to find a youtube video what is it just called Hot Knife? I'm sure I can find it quickly. You will have no trouble finding this. Hot Knife. Watch it melt.

All of those thumbnails are a glowing red blade. Like held right above whatever the item in question is. This one in particular is always recommended to me he's cutting a soda wow 61 million views good lord this can't be this can't be that interesting dude i went shopping for a shredder do you know what a shredder is probably everyone's seen one it has these like claws almost oh yeah yeah it breaks bowling balls cars tires cows like oh yeah you know what like this hydraulic press channel was exploding so much what if i just bought a shredder and like you know it's all it's a quarter million

dollars like they were really expensive a tiny one that could maybe do a bowling ball was like 60 grand This guy has three blowtorches and a fucking knife This is crazy. Hello That is hello what you needed. That's 11 60 million views in 11 days. That's that that's absolutely outrageous 4.7 million subscribers Fucking crazy. I'm unbelievable. I you know i i don't want to shit on anything it's something somebody else does but goddamn people like like you could all do this at home like you could put on your own fucking shit it's he's cutting soap he's got you got my microwave series with higher effort than this i was lucky to get a hundred thousand views

i don't watch anymore because i feel like i'm gonna be to be judgy and shit on what this person does here, but goddamn, he's just cutting stuff around his house with a hot knife. I'm watching more, and I'm going to be very judgy. You know, if you're watching this and you're like, oh, I can't believe you said that about this talented genius. Like, geez, dude, you need this shit too.

Start your own competitive channel right now. Yeah. Hotter Blades. Yeah, Hotter Blades. Yeah, Hotter Blades. 2,000 degree knife. See what happens when my 2,000 degree knife cuts his 1,000 degree knife. Ha ha ha. Yes. This is one where I feel like, Kyle, if you put, if you dedicated three hours of your afternoon tomorrow to making a channel for this,

that could be seriously lucrative for you tell all my friends I know this relative Eastern European pussy is trying to show you how to cut with CC knives at 1,000 degrees in Russia we go 10,000 degrees and then you just do something crazy yeah we do this whole sort I'll show you what I'm watching him cut the bottle now. This is a very good joke. It's completely uninteresting. It's just slowly melting. All right, it kind of caught fire when it touched the soda. 61 million views.

This guy is a genius at making money without being a genius. What else is smart that he's doing? It looks like every video I've clicked on so far, half the video is him warming the knife up because he wants to make sure it's as long as possible. Because at the end of the day, you don't have a marketable skill. You're rubbing a hot blade on a piece of ice as I watch. I'm going to get myself a samurai sword,

and I'm going to heat it up to 3,000 degrees. Like, I don't know. The press channel made sense because it's like yeah he's putting in a normal amount of pressure on something that your average person just can't produce at home you can't just drive your car over something and get tons and tons of pressure to to squish a hockey puck into goo and make a a bible explode but i don't know this guy's got i have all the shit that he had i i have required to like do play this guy's channel and so did both of you you know it's a camera knife and a torch it's like prohibitively expensive to

start your own hydraulic press channel yeah this guy hasn't even gone whole hog with the knife thing yet like why right now he's putting it on jelly he's putting it on on jelly yes's putting it on jelly. He's on the screen. Everyone's watching. Yes. He has a hot knife through chocolate. Chocolate is not even an interesting thing. It should be a hot knife through gunpowder.

Yeah, it should be a hot knife through something more interesting than this. If you can do these kind of experiments in your living room, it's not worth it. I don't think. He's just picking up random shit now This is just Walking around the hot knife right in a camera Is a hot knife looking for an object like He knows nothing but what he can cut with his hot knife

You can't even get it hotter. Like, some of this stuff, like, the hot draw, you just watch the hockey puck, and you'll be like, man, I've held a hockey puck before. That is a huge amount of pressure to liquefy that. Like, I can't imagine. This, he's, like, cutting through things like soap, and it's not even impressively cut. It takes a minute.

He's having to take it back And reheat it and then cut He did a hot knife through a bag of potato chips And it doesn't cut any better Than a cold knife A bag of potato chips is easy to cut And now you know Here's a hot knife

Through an orange It's just like a cold knife through an orange. Except that it burns it a little. Yeah, the point of the hot knife is that it has to do something different, wildly different than a normal knife. If you're just cutting through Jell-O, yeah, you're going to see a little bit of liquefied Jell-O, and you're going to see it go real smooth

through the first 1 18th of an inch of that plastic, and then halfway through the Jell-O cup, you can see it go real smooth through the first 1 18th of an inch of that plastic and then halfway through the jello cup you can see it go all right and just stop cutting through as much and he has to slow down it's just not get a bigger knife and make it hotter those are my professional opinions to you a bigger hotter knife or you're gonna find yourself very quickly a not relevant fish in an even less relevant pond. I can't think of the name of it, but they make this plasma sword thing. Oh, is it thermite?

Is it a thermite sword? What is that thing? A lance, right? Thermite lance? Yes, I think that is it. This guy couldn't get the knife to do enough to this phone, so he's just stabbing it. I was wondering how the phone went.

It just doesn't react to the heat. He put the heat on there some, and it discolored the screen in a way that I would look at and it wouldn't even register to me as an interesting thing. It'd be more like, this is an event that's occurring. And so he just started stabbing it

into a cutting board, and now he's just hacking it like some ape. This knife hasn't been hot for minutes. A hot knife through firecrackers, and it happens to be sparklers, the ones you run around with. And unsurprisingly, you can light a sparkler with a

really hot knife, and it's no different than a match. Oh, a thermal lance in action. See, we get thermal lance channel. That's much, much better. Yeah, a thermal lance is this

rod that they ignite using an oxyacetylene torch because you can't fucking ignite it with anything cooler. Then it starts burning and they start cutting through steel like butter with it. I just have it playing in the background now, but

this... Come on, hurry up and set it on fire. Go. Thermal lances are interesting. Yeah, this... You know what if you this thing would just tear right through that bullshit knife yes a thermal lance through a hot knife yeah hey i went on amazon ordered 60 of the knives that this idiot uses and i'm gonna burn through all of them with uh you know five seconds of this thermal lance i I know we're hating on him. I really like that he's made apparently a tremendous amount of money.

And he's not hurting anybody. Yeah, he's not hurting anyone. That's what I like, you know? Until he brings the hot knife to people. Hot knife to people would be... I'm just spilling out jelly bellies, to be totally honest. I don't actually hate the channel. It's a good idea because obviously people are watching.

I'm real jelly. I'm a jelly belly over the fact that I didn't actually hate the channel. It's a good idea because obviously people are watching. I'm real jelly. I'm a jelly belly over the fact that I didn't think that I could microwave a knife for a minute and a half and get a billion people watching overnight. This thermal lance is crazy. He doesn't talk or anything, right? I had the volume down super low

so we could talk, but there's no... There's just silence. You hear some burners. Yeah, I didn't hear any commentary or anything. Because part of why the Hydraulic Channel did well is that the people were kind of fun. They were seemingly laughing out loud. Yeah, yeah. What were you saying, Kyle? I was going to ask what you thought about our guest, about the Steve guy.

I liked him. I thought he was funny. I like that he's a big sports fan. I really tamped down the hockey talk with him. I wanted to ask more about the Rangers and the Kings, I guess, because I think he was there. Yeah, he must have been in L.A. when the Blues were eighth seed in, what, 2012 and knocked us out.

The Kings knocked us out when they were the eighth seed. Humiliated us in the first round, then they won the Stanley Cup. So, not a lot of love for the Kings. But the Rangers never really fucked with us. So they're fine. Most teams have knocked the Blues out of the playoffs by now. A lot of them have.

But, you know, if you get knocked out, it's not as bad as when you're like yeah 2012 like we're the president's trophy winners we're gonna actually maybe do something who we played in the first round oh thank god la they barely eked into this contest and then the blues win two in a row and then go god i already bought my ticket for the cruise a week and a half from now because i didn't think we'd even make it this far. And so then they lost four straight. Again, 12, 13, and 14.

I think we won two games and lost four in a row. I really wish Philly had beaten the Blues. I would have lots of things to say, fun things. Yeah, see, I said to Steve, I don't talk shit with hockey very much. If it's an individual player, it's fun because I'll be like, oh, man, Fabry very much you know if it's individual player it's fun because i'll be like oh man like fabry really made you guys look like fools and it's weird this guy this uh this rookie robbie fabry for us he's 20 years old he he's played the flyers three times in his career and he's got five goals against them sounds just i don't know why that

happens sometimes but it is just a thing with sports where they're like, oh man, this guy just rips this team apart. Or for a while, I think it might have been Philly that did a good job of keeping Crosby not off the score chart because that's impossible, but producing a normal superstar instead of himself.

They hold him down like a child under the water. They don't, though. They don't. They do. Man, I hope somehow Pittsburgh and Philly end up playing in the playoffs this year. Me too, because we own their... No, Pittsburgh's just the team.

No, I would love to face Pittsburgh in the playoffs. Yeah, you would if my hypothetical thing happened and everybody in Philly was able to go, yeah, trade Giroux for Crosby. We're going to win for sure. No, no. I saw people in the comments being like, come on, Woody. You know, I'm a Flyers fan. And if they came to me and said Giroux for Crosby, of course I would say yes.

It doesn't sound like a Flyers fan to me. That is an imposter. Yeah, we will lose with pride, you know? Best player in the world, smash player in the world. Dude, let's talk UFC. I'm excited about most of this card now, and I wasn't a week ago. The little media machine has totally turned me on. And I don't even know who Dill versus Lon is,

but apparently a lot of hardcore MMA fans are most excited about that fight. And I'm, like, embarrassed not to know these guys. Yeah, I don't know anything about the other fights. I really don't. I will watch them all, although I've said it before. Man. You want to make it easy, Buck? The easy money's on Magni.

That guy is going to beat Hendrix like a drum. I am so confident, just as confident as I was in some of my other recent predictions. I'll bet $10 on the other guy who I've never seen before. Put $10 on Magni. I am. I'm betting with you because you're so sure. Okay. It doesn't always work out, but I do.

I am sure. I am sure Magni is going to whoop him. He's got an 11-inch reach advantage. Well, he's going to get all tied up then. All right, I'm happy with my bet. 11 is too much. 11 is too much. They asked his opponent.

How do you have an 11-inch reach advantage? I know. They asked his opponent. They're like, you're giving up 11 inches of arm length to this guy. How are you going to get inside? And he's like, believe conceive and achieve he's like if i believe i can do it i know i can do it and then at the end breathe it was such bullshit i was like you got no plan he's like there's a way i'll get in i'll get to him a person's got a big brother.

How can the guy be the same weight as the other guy and have an 11-inch? Is the guy with the reach advantage, is he missing a leg? No. The guy who has 11-inch shorter arms, he's the one that missed weight that we talked about earlier. He can't make 170. And he doesn't look fat. Fat is the wrong term for him. But he will have the most body fat of anyone who fights that night.

Except for maybe the house. He has an 80 inch reach. Yeah, he's built like McGregor. What's the guy's name? Where's his height at? I don't see his height. He's big and he fights at 170. 75 inches. Okay, so that's 6'3", right?

What did you say? How many inches? 6'3", right? What did you say? How many inches? 6'3". Yeah, so he's 6'3". He is a very lanky fellow and also clearly in very good shape. 80-inch reach. Yeah, you know, sometimes you hear lanky and you think, like, oh, is that going to work in a fight? Like, the guys that someone who's never fought would be most afraid of is, like, the real strong guys.

But, dude, think of some of the top fighters. Jon Jones is lanky. Conor McGregor is lanky. We'll see. Normally, your reach is pretty similar to your height, right? Yeah, usually they're real close. Okay. Well, in this situation, or his opponent, this white guy huh he's uh he's 60 he's 69 inches tall okay so

he's five nine or something like that um his reach is identical at 69 inches this other guy is is six three but his reach is his height is 75 inches his his reach is 80 inches it's five inches more so not only is he just a bigger taller guy by like six inches but he's also freakishly long for some reason rude for him you know why because he has monkey proportions that's racist yeah and he's black too but that's that wasn't my point and my point is he's got those long arms to drag on the ground he's got monkey proportions see i don't like see if he were a monkey he gives more of an arboreal lemur kind of vibe i very much prefer terrestrial apes and so things like chimps uh bonobos gorillas an orangutan perhaps you see that giant chip they found in africa that's like fucking six feet tall now i

just want to take a break and thank tay Taylor for being way more racist than anything I said. Racist? Your monkey comparisons were off the chart compared to long arms. No, I said that I don't like- I'm innocent now by comparison. I am drawn to the shorter guy because he more closely mimics like a chimp body type, you know? I base all my picks on closeness to my favorite members of the ape family.

You know, that's why I like Lesnar. Very gorilla-esque. And then this Magni on top of being taller and longer has a hairstyle that must... He's got like a really tall hairstyle that's gotta give him at least another two inches. This is gonna look ridiculous. Dude, Magni is gonna whoop ass.

I... I don't know if I'll go so far as to say he's a future champ someday, but he's a very exciting fighter. He takes fights on short notice and wins. He's kind of McGregor, except he's got a recent loss. I guess McGregor does too. But, yeah, I like Neil Magny a lot. I think he's going to whoop up on Johnny Hendricks.

He is my sure thing of the night. We shall see. You'll be giving me $10. I'm just pumped for the Rousey fight. I would probably be happy. I wish I could pay like $30 and just get the Rousey fight and then just go do some other shit. Like I'm interested in all the fights. Because there's so many.

I think the card starts with the prelims on FS1 and the fight night stuff. You start watching MMA at 7 p.m. The main card, the pay-per-view card, starts at 10.30 Eastern, I think. It's either 10 or 10.30 Eastern. And there's five fights on there? Ah, shit. It's easily going to be 1.30 in the morning by the time Ronda's getting beaten up. Shouldn't be.

I think it's going to – oh, wait, maybe you're right. 1.30 sounds late, maybe 1. But the point still stands. And if you watch all the prelims in the Fox – 25-minute fight. Typically, there's two or three fights on Fight Pass, which is this Netflix sort of UFC thing. But there's only one this time. There's only one fight on it because one or two fights got canceled.

And then there's, I think, three fights on Fox, like regular television that's kind of meant to show fights and kind of meant to sort of sell the pay-per-view that comes afterwards. And then comes the pay-per-view where there'll be five fights and those will be the typically the biggest like most awesome fights and uh those are the ones that i'm most excited about so very yeah like it's like nine fights friday night tomorrow night um i'm definitely gonna be watching them all um but man it's a rousing fight that's got my interest the most. Does it, huh? Oh, yeah, for sure. That's so big.

And it's more about what everyone else thinks about it than what I think because I don't know that Ronda is that entertaining of a fighter, honestly, to watch because, I mean, if she's just tearing a girl's head off and arm-barring her in 30 seconds, like, shit, how many times am I going to watch that? That sounds monkey-like. The monkey would keep the arm yeah i'm just saying it sounds like she goes in there and she just rips her points from limb to limb

that's that's a great ape i don't know i uh i i want to see this fight because the aftermath is going to be so tasty it's almost like the last presidential election you know it's it's like yeah man it'd be crazy if an outsider like Trump won, but man, what's really going to be good is seeing him at the inauguration with all of the fucking Supreme Court justices lined up in the front row and all, and you know, not all of them, just eight.

Yeah. Just the remaining. Yeah. Just, you know, the whole thing, everybody's got to show up for this, for this big deal.

And it's not the sort of thing you can call in sick for. They to come and show it show their uh uh you know dude it hit me already they got to kiss the ring of trump like election night or the day after i was like dude like for real donald trump who i thought of is like the clown candidate right donald trump's name is going on the same list as washington lincoln you know jefferson all of those guys yeah yeah and trump somehow but there's also like garfield and like zachary taylor and a bunch of people who like people don't remember like millard fillmore nobody thinks jimmy carter people that don't like like lots of bad presidents too. So he's in company with all of them. I've been getting freaked out tonight.

I haven't talked about it. We got the gun here. I saw it. Just in case. Did you catch that? Yeah. Dude, when I went to let the dogs in, I swore I heard a voice. And the dogs would, like, go outside, and they're just barking towards the north.

I don't know what the fuck. What did the voice say? It said Allah. Come and see. It said Allah. Allah. But not very well. Like, it might have even said Ella. But I was like, in my head, as clear as day,

I heard a woman say Allah as I'm letting the dogs in. It's a little freaky because the door's already open. It's been open for a minute or so because one of my dogs knows how to open a door. At least you didn't hear it from the kitchen behind you. I don't know where it came from, but I'm going to the door, and I hear this woman say Allah, and I shut it, I lock it, and I'm like, I don't know what the fuck.

Thankfully, this place is filled with livestock who will bark and shit if they see anyone, which maybe they just did. Like maybe I need to sweep the house. I don't know. But I'm here. We'll see him coming for you. We will. With us. Hey, if someone even tell you he's behind you, please.

It's something I scream. Shoot. Don't even think. Just grab it and blast's behind you. Please. Don't even think. Just grab it and blast right behind you. All right. We'll put that to the test. But, yeah, I don't, like, I get a little freaky when my family's not home. Not that I expect, like, hope to defend us or anything. But I do feel like, you know, that section of the house is kind of being

monitored you know like like i'll be alerted at least like i know no one's in her room because she's in her room and then she would say something but uh that thing uh um that might be something that gives you a little peace of mind what'd you say i'm not i linked you a thing that i purchased that might give you a little peace of mind. That way you know if anyone's coming down your driveway. You should get that. Interesting. Yeah. It detects the metal of the car, so...

Look at this. Raleigh man wanted in string of home invasions. I don't believe you. WRAL.com. Yeah. Link it or... I mean, he was convicted, but, you know...

Oh, my God. You should have said that. I was going to go, oh, God. He super glues their nose shut and tapes their mouths and lets them suffocate in their own living rooms.

Some survivors say they remember hearing Allah. Allah. Dude, so when we lived in Apex, there seemed to be no Apex news, so I just didn't really care about news. Nothing happened in that town. Now I live in Raleigh.

Shit happens all the time. There's constantly some man found dead in a hotel, some home invasion, some cop got shot. Like, it's a city, right? Every day there's a story. And I don't know. That's why I got a gun right next to me.

I didn't want to say anything in front of Steve because he clearly would have looked down upon that. Steve. But, yeah, I'm hearing voices. What are they just barking at he's gonna be some kind of gesture like up in one of those human sizes size cages that we like reel up into the air to like laugh at him once you know in the hard times that's what's gonna happen to steve that's where he'll be in the comedy is going in the hard times i'll tell you that right now. Chief Dancing Monkey. They're throwing fucking tomatoes at that guy.

Yeah, Kyle will be like, I remember you. When I'm chief of Georgia, there'll be a spot in my cage for you. You better hope you're not doing a show in Atlanta. Yeah. Don't you fucking heckle the chief. I said it wrong, but you followed.

Those old human-style bird cages must suck. They're just like perfect size for a person to stand but not sit, and they hoist from the air. I went to – we used to go to these clubs that were like world famous in New York City when I was in college, and they'd be featured on MTV and stuff. And I remember I walked in, and there there was this amazingly hot woman in some sort of human cage suspended from the air dancing sexy.

Yeah, but it was a dance club like the Palladium or the Limelight or something, not a strip club. Well, go-go dancers, that's what they do. Yeah, they're just up in a cage, right? Yeah. I thought they were on stages, go-go dancers. They're in a cage, right? Yeah. I thought they were on stages, go-go dancers.

They're in a cage. Cage stage. It doesn't matter. Tell me about your stage. Anyway, I was just very impressed, and I thought it was so cool. In my head, I'm like, wow, I hope someday I'm so cool that I get into a cage. That was a young Woody thought. I was like, I'll take my shirt off. I work out like six hours a day right now.

I kind of want to get myself in a fucking cage. Yeah, you want to be in the cage until you're in the cage and then you're like this isn't as fun as it is on the outside when you can go hey look at that person dancing now I can walk around freely and get a drink and talk to people the super cool like I'm like a nerd by these standards right and I'm like a college athlete in really good shape and like I throw in a silk shirt and think I'm in fashion like I didn't even think to wear snow goggles backwards like you know but but there they are wearing snow goggles backwards blowing her whistle with like tight fishnet stockings and leather like shorts that aren't much bigger than panties and like I don't know even guys you dressing like the gay guy from The Simpsons with the chaps and what have you.

Like, I don't know. It's just like I don't even know how to begin to be cool at this level of cool. You know, Jenna Marbles started out as a go-go dancer. Yeah. Was that what she was specifically? Or was she like a greeter or? Go-go dancer. You know, I think you're right.

You know, I was looking at her um channel recently i uh of course is doing great by most standards but i think it's at about 13 million views a month now which by jenna marble standards is big change yeah but that's what happens i i've seen her recent that's the internet it's fickle that's the internet yeah yeah yeah i've talked about this bell curve of a of a channel's life cycle for ages you know it's not that the videos got bad it's just that people got to know them you know like uh the this argument i always use is how i met your mother like i don't think that show started to suck i just got less excited about it it started to suck not in my opinion i didn't like the last season a lot um

but uh or pick some other show you could say friends or or whatever like i bet if you compare the last episode or season of friends of the first one you'll find that you know that more or less as good as the first one was um there were seasons in there with a character where the actors were like coked out and having yeah. Yeah, I like that. You got Finn Chandler. What I think happens too often is that – Finn Chandler. Yeah, Finn Chandler. Yeah, on Cocaine, he was a much better Chandler.

I didn't know that. I never watched Friends. Yeah, I didn't really either. But if you look at a show like The Office, like season one of The Office, season two of The Office, those are the best seasons, I think. It gets much worse as it goes on. It's not necessarily a result of what it is a result of,

in my opinion, is that early on these were all people, the characters in The Office, and they all had a little quirk to them. But by the end of The Office that switched around, now they were just quirks. Now they were their oddities. They became

the oddest parts about their personality and lives so now phyllis phyllis is nothing but like it's clear that like by the end phyllis has went from mother goose to like a closeted whore who like is into some weird stuff it's clear that stanley goes to sex clubs and and is into all kind of like dirty snm and like cheating on his wife um dwight now you know he gets married in a grave and like he's got all of his shrewd rules. Like, know your rules, know your rules. He's got all these stupid songs and he's like making the mother of his child go through a beat cleanse. You know, everybody just becomes so ridiculous that it's not funny anymore.

Well, they become like, they basically become caricatures of their former selves. where it's like you're no longer michael scott from season one where you're a well-meaning but goofy guy who's you know blissfully unaware of what he's doing wrong now you're a ham-handed over the top like saying things that no person who's not actually socially inept could do. Not a person in this world. You talk to the most awkward person on earth, they wouldn't do some of the stuff Michael Scott does in season six. And it's like, this isn't

even a goofy guy anymore. When he gave speeches or whatever it was for those conventions and whatnot, his stupid speeches in the beginning of the series and whatever it was, it was silly and funny. And then at the end he's just a total caricature and and then once michael scott leaves that show i tried so hard to like it because i wanted to like it because you know how that is with series where you're invested in the other characters and you really want it to do

well that show is terrible after michael scott leaves i like i've seen every episode i can't rewatch every non-michael every season but i feel like we're not giving credit for some of the characters for the way that they hit their stride you know when michael scott left he had a big impact and people cared about him when michael scott was at chili's and he landed that deal and you suddenly realized like there's a sort of a genius competence here like he's not just a ham-handed idiot stumbling all the time. There are certain customers or demos that identify with him and think that he's great. I don't know. A lot of the characters, at the very, very end when Dwight was running the place and, you know, he got like a second opportunity to be the boss.

And then they just sort of ran through like he's like, I'm married to her. My best man is Jim, I think. And this, like they were just sort of ran through like he's like i'm married to her my you know best man is jim i think and this like they were just sort of laying it all out there and it's like wow there's a depth to this show that didn't exist in season one when it was still finding its footing i uh i dig it it's it's probably my one of my favorite shows of all time especially sitcoms or whatever comparing the shows to the youtube channels like they kind of have an arc. In my opinion, interest in The Office did start to wane. It was losing its magic.

To me, it wasn't that the episodes got worse. It was that, eh, I've seen this show before. I think that's what happens with a lot of channels. I just thought... The Jim and Pam story was the big story arc for me. Once that starts to... Once Jim and Pam story was the big story arc for me. So once that starts to like – once Jim and Pam become like mom and dad, they really start getting boring.

And they're not interesting anymore. And, man, that Jim friend zone like connection thing for the first couple of seasons was so big. It was so good for the show. That's kind of the – for me, that's what I was focused on for the show. That, that, that's kind of the, that, that for me, that's what I was focused on was the Jim Pam thing. Do you remember when Michael Scott was advising Jim to go for it? He's like, she's engaged. He's like, engage, isn't married. And she didn't seem happy. And, and, you know, it was like, he, he was an idiot. Now, if I remember right, there was, they were like walking on coals and stuff like that. And Michael was particularly

incompetent and frustrating but then he gives Jim that speech and you're like you know there was a real wisdom in that head somewhere it just gets he peeks through it's just I don't feel like that happens as much at the end with him like he

definitely changes as a character to I don't know when you think about it though he did ridiculous stuff the whole time that nobody like what was it was was the first or second episode diversity day everybody put there like the you know Jew or black or woman or whatever on their forehead and they have to go around and tell each other as though driver Kelly comes in at the end. He's like, oh, give me a cookie cookie. Oh, do you want some cookie cookie? She finally just slaps the fuck out of him.

Creed's one of my favorites too. He's literally like... What did he say? He's like, no one messes with Creed Bratton. The last one did. His name was Creed Bratton. He's murdered someone and taken their identity he comes in one day with his blood just splattered all over his shirt they're like oh

great halloween costume he's like yeah yeah halloween that's lucky yeah like the cults come up he's like you make more money as a leader but you have more fun as a follower. I've been in many cults. Yeah, Creed is great. You don't even have many lines, but you're just like, what the? All of his lines are hilarious. Was Phyllis' husband, was he the Scranton Strangler? Bob Vance? No, Bob Vance was not the Scranton Strangler. I thought he was.

There are fan theories that suggest that he might be because he does have a violent streak for sure. And there's that time where Phyllis, it says something like, she's like, I might have to tell bob and he's like so what would that mean never mind i shouldn't have brought it up like it's like because for a moment she threatened to like tell bob what someone had done to her and they were like well what then what happens he's like i shouldn't brought it up and just walks away and they're all like yeah because but but phyllis is always like that she's like you know they have brought it up and just walks away and they're all like, eh. But Phyllis is always like that.

She's like – they were talking about like flirting or inappropriate flirting. She's like, you know, Bob's warehouse guys, they're always flirting with me and usually I don't let it go too far. It's like, what? So sometimes you do let it go too far? What does that entail, Phyllis? I like it when Phyllis is trying to set up Michael with a date and he's like, oh yeah, could we go on a rowboat?

And she's like, yeah, she's really nice. Could we go on a rowboat? Could we go on a rowboat, Phyllis? Will she fit on a rowboat? Could she fit in a canoe? She's like, alright, she won't. Goddammit, Phyllis! I like, uh, when Creed shows up with that blood splattered shirt

and they are doing the interview with him and he goes like I forgot it was Halloween. This is really good timing. He's sitting there interviewing the blood splattered shirt at work for no reason. He's the best.

When Ryan Howard takes over at Corporate he thinks that the young crowd is coming in and get rid of all the old guys so he takes all the printer ink and puts it in his hair and so he comes in with his jet black hair like all spiked up and then you hear someone kind of mention like in the background like oh the printer's all out of ink i don't know what's happening with that that was right no ryan went to corporate and got that new job and he was everybody's getting Blackberries. There's a new website. Creed is afraid of the old guys being replaced.

He's too old. He's trying to appear young and hip. He's like, when's the website going to be up? Ryan's like, any day. He's like, great, man. Can we get some Red Bulls in here? Sometimes a guy's got to ride the bull, am I right? It's so uncomfortable. He's 84 by the end of the

show wow 84 for 84 well i mean that's what he said in the show you know they asked his age he's like 84 i got uh have you guys ever got scam calls from people trying to tell you that you got like a computer problem or something like that. Trying to basically over the phone phish you for information and fuck with you. I get a lot of cruises. I get home security and shit like that occasionally. Are these emails or calls you're talking about? Calls. You know what I get for calls all the time?

About my student loans. They're always calling me, talking about how I'm late or I haven't paid. I never had a student loan. I was a pay-as-you-go sort of guy and um so it's not like they're paid off it's like they never existed but i constantly get student loan calls i had the lady called me today and it was a number from i don't know one of the carolinas or something i looked at i actually just looked it up later to see and I found like a whole website about like you know watch this number.org or whatever it was

people saying like yeah this person tried to call and fuck with me too and this person called me and it was an Indian woman said her name was like Jenny or Jennifer or whatever it was and so she just calls me I'm like hello hello this is Jenny

with official Microsoft customer support. We are calling about many problems with your... I'm like, who is this? Like, who? This is Jenny with official Microsoft customer service support. We are calling in regard to your problems with your computer.

You have very many bad, bad programs on your computer, bad malware. And I'm like, oh, that's no good. Who is this again? Who are you with? We are with official Microsoft customer support and calling about big problems that you have on your computer, your window right now. And I was like, oh, man, can you just tell me my name real quick?

And she goes, good. Gregory. And I'm like, Gregory? She goes, Gregory Huff, sir, you're interrupting me now. Sir, you're interrupting me now. And I'm like, yeah, what's my name? Just tell me my name. She's like, Gregory Huff.

I'm like, no, no. Who the fuck are you talking about? I'm not Greg. And she's like, I'm just looking at the information here. This is official Microsoft customer service support. And I was just like, are you kidding? Like, you can't, you don't know who I am. Never call this number again.

Like, you don't, here's a tip for anyone trying to scam. An official Microsoft representative does not answer or call you and go, hello, this microsoft representative uh jennifer uh i believe i said that correct jennifer you know it's like no you you're you're such a bullshit piece of shit like you did this an old person could have fallen for this an old person could have been like oh my goodness i don't want any viruses on my computer oh my social security is and then just go through that like that's exactly what these pieces of shit do and for her to say oh i forgot the best line she said uh when i said what's my name the second time she says uh sir you're interrupting me sir you're you're trapping

me with questions sir you're trapping me with questions it's like you i'm trapping you with questions my one question was oh no what's my name sir you're trapping you with questions. My one question was oh, no, what's my name, sir? You're trapping me with questions. This is official Microsoft to Windows support, you know No, you're not in fucking Raleigh. I guarantee that and this is probably your first day This is your first day in the sweatshop because you did not get the line down your supervisor standing behind you very upset Very upset at how badly this call has gone for you i had a very high throwing acid in her face for sure after that call with you yes go to the acid please please go to agree i ask you please this is a life or death situation

yeah this is my fourth call today and i have nothing to show for it but yeah that really pissed me off that someone first of all just dials random people up and i have nothing to show for it but yeah that really pissed me off that someone first of all just dials random people up and i've never had one this i've never had someone this obtuse and bad at it call where it was apparent immediately like first of all when one of those people call you the first thing they do is ask you a question to make sure you're there and engaged always always guaranteed they'll say who they are then ask you something they don't go on some diatribe about how they are official microsoft window technician or whatever it is and oh that just made me so mad thinking like it's almost like you think i'm that

stupid you were trying to sell me a bridge and you thought i was gonna buy it fuck you i had a i had a rent-a-center calling me uh a lot thinking i was someone else who used to have my phone number and uh wanting me to like pay this like overdue rent-a-center bill on a television that was rented or a couch or some shit it went on forever and i was like look i'm not steven moore i got this phone she didn't believe me she thought i was fucking lying to her and finally at the end i was like you know what i am steven i am steven moore'm keeping the TV, and I'm never giving you the money. I'm never, ever going to pay you rent a center.

Come and get me. You won't take me alive. And they stopped after that. They stopped after that. I was dying laughing fucking talking to them. Because she would call me, and every time they would call, I'd be super polite. Because when I get a wrong number, I do that. Because I figure, like, if this person is incompetent enough that they're having trouble using their their handset over here, maybe I should be nice.

They're not having a good day. It's often an old woman anyway, who's like like, you know, her grandson didn't give her like his new number or something. And so they're fucking calling me. I already got the CISO ad. But but but I'm always just real polite, like, no, man, I'm sorry you got the wrong number. And then they call right back. I'm like, oh, still the same one. And we have to go through the bit of reading the number back and forth.

But telemarketers haven't really been a thing for me since, you know, landlines went out of style. I remember it was so prevalent then, but I don't get many bullshit phone calls. Yeah, well, I hadn't got one that bad ever, and that was just surprising to me that you would think that in 2016, these scammers would have figured it out a little bit. But I guess if your craft is still working for a small number of people, you don't have to change that much.

Yeah, just cast a wide net. You get a bunch of dummies. You should have offered to give her your credit card number and just kept going reading numbers and random letters for as long as she would sit there and take it. It's a 6821-7777-7777-7777-88833. Then there's three twos. That's three twos right there, followed by a quad of four. Please, sir, I do not have my abacus with me.

You must go slower. Okay. Once again, that is 1-1-1, 1-1-1. You know, this is very clearly a different number than what you were previously providing. An asterisk? I was... Remember as my phone rang and I danced? I was hoping it was a skimmer.

I mean, we Americans. But that's just a wrong number. That was a wrong number? an asterisk i was remember my phone rang and i danced i was hoping i mean we americans that was a wrong number it was remember it was like an hour ago i got a call and i yeah they're checking to see if you're home there was it just heavy breathing she said she wanted her cousin hey chad this is lois give me just a call. Give me just a moment, okay? All right. Yeah, go. Hey, Chad. This is Lois. Give me just a wrong number. Not as hard as I hoped.

Yeah, there's been somebody texting me. I think it seems like an older person who thinks that I'm like a grandson or a niece or a nephew or something. I haven't really gotten to the bottom of it. And asking too many questions would give myself away because we still have this ongoing text relationship where she she texts she wanted me to come for the holidays uh wanted me to come you know eat eat like thanksgiving dinner with her and i was like i can't make it and then another time she wanted me to pick her up from like a doctor's visit and i was like oh sorry i can't make it but but then every now and then i'll just randomly send her a bunch of memes from the donald like like i'll send her the one of uh

sleepy ben carson but he's got the glowing orange like like i'll send her the one of uh the sleepy ben carson but he's got the glowing orange like golden eyes like because he's powering up and she's like what is this and i'm like it's dr ben carson he's he's a he's the head of the housing and urban development now so i'm just slowly indoctrinating her into the trump and who is this woman no idea i'm not positive it's a woman it just feels like a woman who thinks i'm like her grandson or something she texts me all the time oh yes i have a great relationship with my grandson he sends me weird texts sometimes and he can never help me at the hospital she's like what in the world is that i'm like that's dr ben carson he's separated the

conjoined twins he's like oh and gives me the thumbs up like she's like she's telling her friends like yeah he's got great role models i've been carson a doctor yeah yeah i didn't know he'd ever even been to georgia you know they're fun i hope people are easy to get one over that makes me really sad for the reason that like i in this this probably isn't true but in my head like i have a lot of pity for really old people because I always feel like, man, all their friends are gone. You just feel sad. And it's like, I can't help

but picture this poor woman getting a text from that number and thinking, oh, someone remembered me today, or oh, that was really sweet and kind, and it's just you sending her a meme of Sleepy Black Doctor. As long as she gets the same reaction, it's still a good thing. As long as she gets the same reaction, it's still a good thing.

As long as she likes it. I kind of thought of that too, and that's why I haven't gone full crazy with her. I want her to still have some respect for her grandson. Yes, if you're going to pretend to be someone to a geriatric woman, you should do it with class and tact. That's what I've been doing.

I won't be able to pick her up at the doctor or help her with her Medicaid but but you know I'm there for some mean job one of the times and she goes hey will you give me from the from the doctor you just show up and act as though you see you know exactly oh hey that's nice to finally meet you show up on like an ATV or like your dad's gator what that would be that would be pretty funny I feel sorry for old people

yeah me too I'm glad we'll never get old yeah thankfully not a chance the objective is to get old right isn't that like part of the goal I really feel like I'm doing well the objective is to get old, right? Isn't that part of the goal? Nah, the objective is to... I really feel like I'm doing well. The objective is to die before you can get old and not even know it happened.

Hmm. I miss out on stuff. Yeah, but you don't even know. But you'll never know it. Have you ever fallen asleep in the middle of a movie? Oh, yeah. Don't get really upset the second you fall asleep and go, God damn it, I'm missing the film!

You're just asleep. You no longer are with it. You're gone. You don't mind that you ruined Ted 2 for the surrounding 15 people near your seat with your snoring? You don't mind? You're like, hey, I got a little rest. I was tuckered.

It seemed like I saw every fifth minute of the first 30 minutes of that show. And in my head, It seemed like I saw every fifth minute of the first 30 minutes of that show. And in my head, I'm trying to put it together. Like, alright, alright. I know they went to a city of some sort.

The teddy bear wins, right? Alright, these two seem to be on his back. Yeah, I just remember me and Chiz over there watching and like, ah, this is okay. And then look at her. I think we played paintball or something. That was very Tucker. I've never fallen asleep in a movie.

And I think I've only gotten up and left like two movies ever. Get up and leave much either. Captain America, the first one I got up and left. Really? I thought it was stone cold awful. Like just when you see that little wrinkly god that little skinny dude get into the magic muscle machine and then emerge as clearly the

actual version of the actor instead of this weird giant head disordered shrimp i was just like this is so stupid like you have this technology, like this, this is once again dissecting superhero movies, which is silly, but if you had a pill that could make someone, like as an example, like you have a machine that makes people powerful and super awesome. You have a pill that makes someone super, super smart. Do you test that on

someone in remedial English who has trouble spitting out a sentence first? Like as a, you know, we need to test someone in the, you know, World Chess Championships against Russia. Let's not pick our chess master and give him this pill. Let's pick this invalid retard and give him our pill and see what happens.

Like, no. Ah, but you're missing the heart of the film, though. You're missing it. The rock in the muscle machine. And then you wouldn't even have to worry. Like, oh my God, I hope Captain America is good enough to survive. His essence and his soul, his goodness, and multiplies it by tens you need to get it go on it's more than that so so steve rogers is the quintessential perfect guy for this and

a lot of what he is a is him is stolen right from uh audie murphy you know the real legit like fucking captain america this guy who was like five foot two and kept getting kicked out of the army recruitment like no We don't want you your fucking shrimp until the war goes on and they need him and he goes and he's like a fucking Superstar and he captured like a hundred Germans or some shit and killed a bunch too, but you know it's that he would he kept going He persevered no matter what if you put some big muscle-bound jock who's been winning their whole life He won in high school athletics. won in college athletics he's he's he's excelling in the marine corps programs like that's not the guy you want as captain america because captain america is more than a weapon he's a symbol he's uh it's important that he he exemplifies all that america is and it's goodness

and greatness and and and that's why it's important that step Rogers gets the super serum. Okay, that's a pretty good explanation. And, you know, he appreciates his power more, too, as someone who is constantly getting picked on and bullied by those stronger than him. Now that he has the power, he has a lot of respect for it. Whereas if you had some bully who's always had some modicum, some measure of power over those around him, and now you make him Superman, well, then he just becomes the skull right that's the he becomes the nazi version of captain america and he's particularly motivated to protect the people that he used to be yeah well that's actually a good explanation that's

actually a better explanation than i anticipated that does make sense i still don't like captain america and his shield but that does make sense the shield's cool i like the America and his shield, but that doesn't make sense. The shield's cool. I like the shield. He's too good with the shield, though. I like the idea of an incredibly powerful weapon. Even when I buy a flashlight or a knife for my pocket, I'm like, what kind of steel is it? Was it forged by a Japanese master, perhaps? Did he fold it 5,000 times?

Because that's what I'm looking to carry in my pocket, just in case. I always want the best of the best. That always appealed to me. Do you have a knife in your pocket now? Do you carry one all the time? I think maybe. Kershaw? What do you got? Yeah, right? What is this?

Spyderco. Spyderco. Oh, I've got one in that class too yeah it's very light very sharp i don't know a lot of boxes around the holidays i carry a juice juice too i think it's the same one i've had for a while and uh i don't know i use the multi-tool aspect of it all the time uh it seems like i always need pliers or a knife or screwdriver or something yeah i like having some tools definitely a knife um because there's so many times where i can't get in it's very satisfying to fucking fucking fuck that shit up and get going when i only carried a knife i uh i ended up using the tip of it as a screwdriver and like other stuff prying things with it.

So with the multi-tool, usually I've got – it's never the best. Like these pliers, they're pliers and they're in your pocket. But if it's a big plier job, I'll go and get a dedicated set of pliers. Yeah, but you said the best part right there. They're in your pocket. Yeah. You got them right there. That whole trip to the garage or trip to the cabinet, wherever you your legit tools is it's sometimes not needed if you got one screw

or like you know you're opening an air vent or something you just need to get in and change the filter real quick right that's a good example like there's no need to go get your fucking screwdriver set and be like yeah it looks like about a number 12 and i'm done like it's it's just nice to have a little tool on your pocket. My dad's gone through so many of those damn Leathermen. I don't know how. He's very hard on them. He's squeezed it so hard that he broke it, like crushing something before.

He broke one of the arms. I remember he cut an electrical wire in two once that was hot when he cut it, and it arced onto the blade and really fucked the blade up. He snapped the blades off. He snapped the end of the pliers, really fucked the blade up he's snapped the blades off um he snapped the end like the plier the end of the pliers pinched like this and he's like pinched like that much of one of those off and like it's broken off so like every so often i hear someone who's been on like three

of them or so i'm on my first and i've had some for a long time but the ones in my pocket are the ones that see all the use i have some other ones that i just leave in like the glove compartment and such but uh as much as i use this thing i i don't think i've ever come close to breaking it yeah it's he's he's rough on stuff but they've got that lifetime warranty though so it's like you know you just send them this broken piece of shit and if they can they'll just snap a new blade on it they'll just put a whole new blade there but if they need to they just send you a whole new thing they don't seem to mind that much. Yeah. They've got a reputation to maintain.

Yeah. Zippo's like that too. I like companies that are like that. I like the idea of buying something for life. Darn Tough Socks, I think, is one. I really haven't seen... It's a great way to... It's a great thing for consumers to be like, I can send this back anytime.

And for the company, it's really not risky at all because 90% of the time they just lose the item. Like you and, and the people who do send back in a broken Leatherman or whatever, like Woody are the kind of customers you want to fucking keep. Because when that guy goes out to buy a big thing, he's going to remember they had my back, you know, the,

this is the company I'm going with i don't know about these fucks over there but i don't know what shady shit they're doing and it might have fucking jenny working in their call center for all i know over in you know bangladesh official letterman support yeah this is official letterman support i'm sorry gregory but you have damaged your knife in the way that we do not cover. She would just call as a scam to say, we do not cover the knife. I assume it's probably broken. And while I'm here, I need your Microsoft ID. This has become more of a prank call and less of a scam.

No, I do not want anything just to insult you and know that you do not have a functional knife. I bought something new for my motorcycle. It came and I installed it today. It is a license plate holder with lights above and below it. And when you decelerate, it's not tied into the brakes. It's tied into like a gyroscope. And when you decelerate, it blinks top and bottom. So people behind you see a blinking light,

which is way more attention-grabbing than the shitty little light a motorcycle has. I like that. Naturally. That's the big concern, right? You know, there's fucking cars plowing you into a pulp out there on highways or highways, right? Totally. I wonder if I can show like a quick little... Shit.

It's called like a Vovo or something. Maybe Volo? I got a shower head that changes colors depending on how hot the water is. That's pretty neat. Yeah, yeah. I can think of one instance I could use that. Oh, no, it's nice because it takes... So my shower is on the opposite end of the home as to the hot water

Heater it's it's it's I don't know how many steps But it's as many as you can make in the length of my house, and it's Oh, it's about a stone's throw away It's got to be 45, 50 feet, 70 feet. I don't fucking know. I'm bad at estimating the length of my home. But anyway, it takes a long time for the hot water to get there. So, you know, I turn the shower on hot,

and then I watch it for a while before the hot water gets in there, and it turns from blue to green to red when it's hot. I like that. That's actually pretty neat. Do you guys want to watch this amazing license plate light video with me? I am prepared to be blown away. All right. It's called Volo Lights Short Video.

I have given you a time stamp. It should take you eight seconds in, so as not to waste your time. Are you guys ready? Yes. Ready, set, play. Do you see this license plate blinking yeah so when you break it does this attention grabbing sort of thing rather than uh rather than just light up or whatever nice i like that you've really seen the bulk of it i feel like i really know what

they're getting at i'm not sure i understand the concept but um like i wear like it's high like this yellow green kind of like uh like a highway construction worker would wear and i've got flashing lights and like the main causes of accident. Here they are. Um, alcohol, it's a big one, uh, driving too fast, you know, over your head and not being seen. So that's probably true with cars. I don't think that's a big one with motorcycles. Okay. But, um, uh, so the alcohol thing is easy to fix and, uh, you know, not driving over your head. That's a decision you can make, but not being seen like that's been the tougher nut to crack that's probably number one on that list uh alcohol

is number one on the list huh i would think that people would get hit all the time just not being there's no way that the number one way reason isn't just a car running into you like i refuse to believe most car drivers are that safe because Because there's definitely been times where I've, like, started to merge, and then you look, like, even further back, and you're like, oh, shit, like, that guy came up real quick. I watch these. Part of it is the, a lot of times, it's the motorcyclists. Like, it's the car's fault, but the motorcycle participates.

You know, like, these people ride their bikes like they're motorcycles instead of cars, if that makes sense. If you drive like a car, then you're kind of predictable. People are expecting car-like things. If you pass some guy going 25 miles an hour over the limit, even if it's on the left, they're like, oh, you came out of nowhere.

Yeah, because you did. Because you go and mock one and you're hard to see. You know, they looked for a car back there and they didn't see you because you know you came up so fast if motorcycles were super common then maybe they'd look extra far and the amount of the window in which you have to notice them is much smaller too because they are going so fast and they are so so they accelerate so fast too you know they can they can be back there and the last time you glanced at a, and then you check a thing or you shift or whatever you do,

and the next thing you know, they're right fucking here because those things accelerate faster than any fucking car in the world. They're outrageous. It's like a superpower on a leader bike. They're outrageous. The fastest cars accelerate even faster. Do they? Yeah, like the McLarens and the hyper

cars they're well the well the uh the tesla is the fastest is it yeah zero to 60 right yeah i always i didn't know that makes sense like electric it just turns on super torque they've got all their torque right from the start but um uh probably has a lot to do with the tires i would guess i guess a lot of cars can lay down a ton of power it needs to be some sort of power to weight ratio and good tire well they've got and and there's certainly a computer like like putting all of the power that that tire can actually apply to pavement to it you know it's not getting more power so it just spins and you lose effectiveness it's not getting not enough it's getting the perfect amount that those tires

on that asphalt can do. A Tesla is a fucking rolling computer. Yeah, you just trust Tesla to get that perfect, right? Yeah. It's really cool. Yeah, anyway, sometimes when cars aren't seen, or motorcycles aren't seen by cars, it's because the motorcycle is driving in a

way that people didn't expect or didn't know to look there. uh i don't know but sometimes you just i've had them i've had them pass me going so goddamn fast before like like well over a hundred you know had to be because i i remember one time specifically driving back to atlanta at like one two in the morning and and being really out of it and and like tired and and i had to be at work in the morning and just being like, all right, let's keep it in this lane and just putt on home at 75 miles an hour. And a bike came past me like something out of Star Wars. The sound was different because of the sonar effect.

It was like, whew! Fuck. The Doppler effect. The Doppler effect, yeah. It was like he was here and gone before I could even think about it. Like this terror that I'm experiencing right now is nostalgic terror because that motherfucker is gone. Yeah, I'm afraid of what might have happened three seconds ago

because I had no control over it because this asshole is going 140, 180. Who knows? It could be either. And that guy's going to cause an accident. If not tonight, then another day. If you've never ridden a sport bike like the bikes that do that it's hard to describe just how much they oh kyle has a sports car that it begs you to go that fast they are sleeping at 70 miles an hour it's boring and when you 120, they're at ease with it. Kyle's car is like that too.

I've been in Kyle's car when we went fast a time or two. And it's somehow – like everything is happening faster, but the car doesn't feel like it's in a panic. My truck at 90 is panicking. It's noisy. It's shaking. The motor speed is one that i'm not used to hearing yeah like the whole experience like you really feel like you're flying at 90 95 miles an hour in my truck um i don't go that fast that often the truck just clearly doesn't want to

but kyle's car at 90 is just like yeah you know taking a drag off a cigarette it gets chill and these motorcycles do that too it's real extreme like they just want you to go quick and then there's a a fun like when you corner and you feel that like probably half a g or something like you know you sit you down yeah it sits you down a little it's it it's a really fun feeling it's the reason i get that weight to horsepower ratio has to be what it's all about you know because a couple hundred pounds and yeah and it's just gear they're they're track day bikes that people take on the street they're they're really amazing machines and uh how many rpms can those bikes do like like before they have an issue like like do those things go up to 9 000 rpms 12 000 rpms on the gauge like 12 to 14 would be a number that you'd see a lot in a

super bike it's crazy yeah it's yeah they're really quick they're amazing man does i see those those motorcycle accidents on youtube though immediately takes the fight right out of me. I'm like, you know, my gun just fell on me. That's not good. We'll worry about that. I'll lay this down the other way. That's not it. It just fell on me. Well, if there are any tutors, they're scared shitless.

You just hear, like, the frantic pitter-patter of thieves' feet upstairs trying to get out. Ella! I don't think i would be a good motorcycle owner. And man, I'd be scared of doing something stupid. But most of all, I'm scared of someone hitting me. I forgot to show this earlier in the show.

Not that it's a big deal or matters. My mom this year bought me a Christmas present and was like, she told me, she's like, oh, this is going to be so funny, Taylor. I saw it. It was a joke from the podcast that you do. They all say that you look like an owl and so i bought you this owl with what is it money rocks like it's a really smells really good so i do like it i like smell good stuff and it's just an owl with a bunch of potpourri in it that i'm sure that she got from pier one and i like it i just thought that was

funny that her gift was... That's pretty good. That is great. Hold on next to you. We want to see the resemblance. There. That won't be on the internet. That won't be a screenshot on the subreddit.

Yeah. I like that. We have World Trade Market near me. And it's a real mix of stuff. Like, sometimes, like, I have these maps on my wall. You guys might have seen them here and there. They're really cool. I like them.

And that's where we get the crazy sodas. And then they'll also sell, like, a bookcase for $19 that is just such garbage. You'll bike on the way home. That's one of those stores that when I was little, my mom, like, like you know when you're driving around in summer and you have to go with your mom on all our little trips she's like oh we're gonna go to world market and i was always like oh it was the same thing as pier one where i was like oh we're gonna be there all fucking day and we get in and it's exactly what you describe like some like hand-carved beautiful ornate like central african globe for two grand and then a whole section which was just basically a random dumpster in karachi that

they found and upturned into that section of the store and it's just trash it's just third world trash you're supposed to be like oh this is a shower from Bangladesh. Oh, my God. It's so cultured. It's like, no, it's just a rusted piece of shit. Yeah, this is food. There's snack foods in there and sodas. Because that's what people around the world eat. You can get bugs there. It's silly.

It is not a... So don't waste your time in the world market everyone yeah I I don't know I'm I like it there a little bit every so often there's a gem I like the sodas maybe it's just the sodas it's just the sodas I'm gonna make my own root beer all right this looks really easy to do I'm gonna make my own this is right now i'm gonna make my own root beer all right this looks really easy to do i'm gonna get some of those fancy bottles yeah you just mix your you just boil everything together i i think it self carbonates i think it ferments or something but i'm no expert find out i guess people make beer and that like yeah yeah i don't have special

i always thought there was a machine that pushed air. There is. Yeah, there definitely is. Somehow I got into a whole long conversation with Chiz about carbonation the other day. It was thrilling. But yeah, there's totally a machine that sort of – it's like a little – it goes – it's just like instant. And it just pushes tons of CO2 into the liquid, forces it in. But there's definitely like a fermentation process that you can get carbonation. Does it also do that in the can, or do you

pour carbonated fluid into a can? I don't know that. That's a good question. I would bet that you pour the carbonated... I don't know. That's a good question. It just seems like you can't get a seal in the can, or maybe it's not built for the pressure. Isn't this shit crazy? This is why shows like how it's

made are so good is because like when you when you really start to break down society into how like little things are made it's really mind-boggling you're like well i'm sure they made that with well actually shit i mean is there a factory that does this like where's that factory and i've never driven by you know the folding chair making plant and and like some of these things are interesting because i didn't even know they were jobs right you're like dude on career day they never they never told me about microphone solder as a job or i can't say that words how do you say solder solder a solder iron so he does oh soldering like soldering something or soldering something oh wait solder what there's a difference with the l the l there's a soldering which is like

little wires is my understanding like little things and then there's soldering what is that Soldering. What is that? That's... Okay, so my knowledge says that there is no such thing as soldering. Never heard of that. But soldering, with an S-O-L-D-E-R-I-N-G, is you're using a heat source, usually a torch, and you've got a wire, and you're heating your base metal

and melting your wire into that base metal to weld, in a way. It's primitive welding. Oh, okay, I'm an idiot. Kyle's right, it's only soldering. It says soldering versus soldering. Check which spelling is correct. My whole family pronounces it as soldering, which makes me think that it's regional.

And by my family, I mean like Jackie's side too. Yeah, you're totally right, because I've always heard it as soldering iron, and I just assumed soldering was different than solder soldering huh because I would never see soldering written out and read it as soldering iron like I would never do that this has been burning in my head for two weeks speaking of like spelling what so I played a prank on you guys saying that I wasn't recording painkiller already right and it's Kyle yeah told the story he said that I wasn't recording Painkiller already, right? And as Kyle retold the story, he said that I spelled uh-oh like a child, like U-T-O-H.

And I've been keeping, it's been burning in my head. How do adults spell uh-oh? What is the alternative? U-H-O-H. Uh-oh. U-H-O-H. Now, I have seen that before.

I just thought it was, I thought uh-oh worked too. The way you said it was like if a child spilled their Cheerios. Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh. It's okay. It's okay, Woody. We got more Cheerios. Uh-oh, uh-oh.

I'm not going to get in trouble. Yeah, I'm looking at this. You're supposed to pronounce that L. Yeah. There is no alternative. Well, this guy says if you're in Boston, you can happily call it Sauter.

Like it's Chowder. S-A-W-D-E-R. Apparently it's not an uncommon thing. I already exited it out, but it was Sautering versus Soldering. It says Soldering is the right way to spell it, obviously. Spelling it? I just didn't know if the silent L was

ever like acceptable apparently the I'm getting a few you know different reports this guy says depends on if you're British or American the Brits say soldier soldier s-o-L-E-D-E-R. Solder. Americans say sodder. Sodder. For some reason. I would say solder. I don't know. That's just what I would say, I think.

I don't use that word a ton, though. So maybe if it were just flowing. So in the Cambridge Dictionary, it says that Taylor and I both pronounce it the American way and that you pronounce it the British way, which ties into. Yeah. So living with Kitty. Kyle, can you soda something for me? Yeah, that's the word she uses. Yeah, I'm sure she doesn't know what that fucking word means.

Leave a comment. If you guys make it this far into painkiller already, let us know if you pronounce the L in solder or not, because I am feeling a renewed sense of like I was mispronouncing oil or tar or something and now Woody is looking for a big rebound from Ut-O exactly

we're turning this franchise around it's been solder all along here in America I didn't even catch the utto thing that's funny yeah and i'm like all this there's some alternative spelling of utto yeah there's some things that just did that that one didn't annoy me i didn't i didn't care i don't even remember like mentioning that you spelled it fun it in a funny way. People who say cool

and spell it K-E-W-L though, that makes me want to kill myself. I haven't seen that in a while. I see it quite a bit. I used to think a long time ago I felt like that was a girl thing.

Sure, maybe. Do you think you're getting too old to start to use emojis on the other hand i use emojis inappropriately i am old enough to use emojis in ways that you guys wouldn't triple exclamation points emojis the whole nine yards it's set i i am i very rarely use emojis or exclamation points in any texts with anyone, even if I am excited, because you don't set that expectation high. I have friends who text me, and everything will be like,

hey, are you going to meet us here tonight? It's like exclamation point, question mark, exclamation point, and it's like, man, this dude is super fucking psyched at the prospect of me showing up at this place tonight. And then if I get something from him three days later that's like, hey, you want to play Settlers of Catan at my house tonight? And it's just a regular question mark. Suddenly it's in my head

of like, well, the precedent has been set that he is in not unnovel situations. He's very excited, you know, at the prospect of hanging out. Like, what is he upset about now? Just like with a chick or someone someone like if you send her a smiley face just off the hello text suddenly you've set that precedent oh you don't get a smiley face anymore are you are you upset oh you don't seem as excited with your text if you text as though you're always upset with someone

then they can't misconstrue it sprinkle a few dick pics in well that goes without saying sorry grandma sorry grandma sorry i didn't get no i uh yeah you gotta say keep expectations low so when you do and the reason is so when i do send someone a smiley face they know that actually made taylor smile like because he does not send smiley faces unless he's actually laughing no i'll send a smile to put a mood in there because a lot of times text doesn't set the mood like you want it to. Sometimes I'm saying something that if you read it the wrong way, maybe you think I'm like,

maybe you think I'm mad at you, or not you specifically, but upset or something. And yeah, I'll throw that smiley face in the end so that this is all light-hearted. This is, you know, if someone says, hey, do you want to go here tonight? Just be like, no, says hey do you want to go here tonight and just be like no i really don't want to sorry now that could go a lot of ways like that could

be a real like that could be me like really like rebuffing you like like no i i got shit to do fuck off or that could be like maybe i really do have some shit to do maybe maybe we got something going on so the smiley face lets him know you know i don't have anything to do but i'm hoping next time i don'm hoping next time i don't hoping next time i'm free so that i can come do things with you so yeah but i'm cutting the emojis down because i'm a grown fucking um adult man and it just seems like just get older and you can use all the ones you want you pack on 15 more years k Kyle. The sky's the limit. Yes. I don't know about that.

I'll just tease it. I don't, well, you guys see my texts. I don't think I throw in too many. No, you don't. No, I wasn't, that wasn't directed at you. I just don't like that you love or like or laugh at

or favorite all of the meaningless texts in those conversations. That's not aggressively, oftentimes. I intentionally just ignore it every time it happens with you guys or with any of my

groups of friends because I know if I respond at all it will just result in my text being liked and favorited by 20 you know everybody in the group chat like three times during yesterday I typed something and then deleted it

I was like nope nope do not engage do not engage you'll only make this worse. Like, what you want right now, Kyle, is fewer text messages from this group at this moment. The sure-fired way to get a whole bunch is by interjecting something right now. Let's just sit back and wait till Chiz and Woody are all spent, and it'll go quiet.

When they're all liked out. Well, do you want to call the show there i need to do a little post roll uh read well let's do that post roll read i know that woody i see my phone blowing up so i know you just liked a bunch of fucking stuff that's what kyle's looking at right now i just liked one message it doesn't This episode of PKA is brought to you by... It was brought to you by Smarty Pants Vitamins. Smarty Pants makes delicious and free gummy vitamins for adults and children and kids. They're combining nutrients like omega-3 DHA and EPA fish oil, vitamin D3 and B12.

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So check out all our sponsors. Nature Box, Smarty Pants Vitamins, CISO, and of course, Squarespace. Links down in the description below. We just had a great hangout with our patrons. It was good. There was a guy there

with better hair than me that could do magic. I wanted him to be a topic on this show tonight. We'll save it for next time. We should get that guy as a 25-minute guest. hair than me that could do magic. I wanted him to be a topic on this show tonight. We'll save it for next time. He might even be a good... We should get that guy as like a 25-minute guest. Let's not spoil what makes him cool. I think he'd make a good 20,

25-minute guest. Get him in, do his talent, talk about the things that make him interesting. We've got a very cool guy who comes to the Hangouts. He's multi-talented and 17 years old and very intelligent general are because it's it's not cheap is it 50 a month is that the hangout 50 bucks a month that gets you something about every one of those people winners they're like no joke

like they're winners like like they are this none of these guys are like saving this 50 bucks up in a piggy bank okay no these guys are all very successful50 up in a piggy bank. Oh, no. These guys are all very successful. And it's not like it's a general – Like 19-year-old Minecraft millionaires. Coders that are in high school. Yeah, a guy making a gambling site in Texas out of JavaScript or something, and he's young. And a magician who's selling jokes to David Blaine. who's selling jokes to David Blaine.

That joke that we saw on the Jimmy Fallon show, one of our Hangout guys sold that joke to David Blaine that we were all remarking about. So it's a really interesting people on there. It was a trick on a joke, right? Am I wrong? Correct. Yeah, it's a trick. I'm sorry. Yeah, the magician's trick. Well, we should definitely... That's a good tease. Well, we should do that. I'm interested.

It's a neat thing about the Hangout. I don't know. I get a kick out of the Hangouts. I don't know. I get a kick out of the Hangouts because the people there are typically special. Yeah, so check out Patreon down below. Link to that. Five bucks, you get the show early. It's Thursday night right now, so those $5 Patreons are getting access to the show. And roughly 30 minutes from like two minutes from now, for $10 a month, you're getting your questions, your AMA questions submitted straight to us, and we get to go through that list

and pick and choose. And you get video access to PKN and access to PKN in general as it comes out, which is really fun too. So, check all that stuff out in the description below. Anything else? That's it, I guess. I don't think so. PKA 315.