Painkiller Already - Painkiller Already #325

Episode Date: March 17, 2017

This week on PKA, comedian and TV host, John Henson, joins the guys and he tells some AWESOME stories! The guys also talk about some amazing vacations, the recent naked marines leak and how Joe Rogan inspires people.

And we're live! PKA episode 325 with our guest John Henson. Kyle? Yeah, it's got several ads tonight, got several sponsors, textures coming back, Squarespace, Blue Apron, Wink, and yeah, if you want to check those out, there's links down in the description below. But yeah, let's get right into it. Got a special guest tonight. We've got our new friend John Henson, comedian, host, extraordinary, and apparently one of the most professional vacationers on the planet. Sounds like you figured out vacationing. Yeah, man.

If I could go vacationing full time, I'd be on it. So between that gig you were explaining to us, are you willing to... I kind of just threw it out there. That was kind of a private conversation we had. Is that something... Tell us about the money you made. It's not shady. So for about six years now, my wife and I have been working with an orphanage in Cabo San Lucas,

helping them raise money, right? I have a sister-in-law who works at five-star resorts in Cabo. Now, I'm going to be honest with you guys. I tell people this all the time. If you ever get the chance to marry into a family where someone works at a five-star resort, you learn to love them. Do you understand?

You make that shit work. Now, we, as a result, we got to spend a ton of time at this beautiful resort in Cabo San Lucas called Esperanza. It's this gorgeous five-star resort down there. And we got to spend all this time down there and develop some relationships. We got to know the people at this orphanage. And I started going down and hosting these fundraisers. And it's an amazing experience. The kids are there. I'm sort of partial to kids,

charities. Anytime you're connecting a face with the actual cause and their children, you know, it's hard not to get invested. So we go down there and in a span of like an hour, hour and a half, we'll raise half a million dollars. I mean, it's serious, serious money. It's a, you know, maybe 150, 200 people at this event. And, you know, there are moments where, like, a dude will raise a paddle and give $100,000 or $150,000. And it's pretty, it's a pretty inspirational experience. And so this year we were down there and the guy that underwrites the event is this awesome

guy, this older guy and at one point I go, hey you know I just wanted to tell you Mr. Peterson I'm so humbled by your generosity and he goes yeah you know it's just good to be rich what a great attitude He goes, yeah, you know, it's just good to be rich.

What a great attitude. And so the event went really well. And then the next day, my wife and I were hanging out. And the people that organize this event are really nice. They give us like four or five days down there in a really nice hotel. So just that. I worked for an hour, call it fundraising or charity work. And then I spend four days on the beach with my fat ass and the sun. So what would happen if you turn this fundraising superpower you have inward, right?

If you held a John Henson fundraiser, like call it your beer fund. I don't care. Even if it did half as well, that's a quarter million dollars. Yeah, no, it's... Apparently, what I need to do is do a stunning impression of a Mexican four-year-old, because those kids really jerk the

heartstrings. You know, so... ...gets no assistance from the Mexican government. They exist entirely on the generosity of donors. And in Mexico, it's a very weird audience. There are a lot of wealthy Mexican nationals, and then there are a lot of wealthy expat Americans,

or not even expats, but just people who have a third or fourth or fifth home in Cabo. just people who have like a third or fourth or fifth home in cabo and if you have like a fourth home that costs five or ten million dollars you're balling you know what i mean and yeah here's what i want to know about the the show you're doing down there are you going to do your pull out roll out the trump jokes is this the right audience for that down south of order it's interesting i mean it's got this year like first of all i'm not a political comic but this year the the uh the the event organizers pulled me aside and they're like do not do any political humor at all because because the the you know the audience like you're losing half your audience the wealthy mexican nationals obviously hate the idea of the wall, and, you know,

they feel like he's been very derogatory towards Mexicans. And then, of course, you know, odds are, if you're a person who has five homes and your fifth one costs ten million, you might be a Republican. So, you know,

it's just dicey. And last year, not this past year, but the year before, I did a bunch of El Chapo So, you know, it's just dicey. And last year, not this past year, but the year before, I did a bunch of El Chapo jokes, you know? Should that go over well? You could just feel the collective asshole of the room tight. Like everybody just went,

and it was, you know, he had just escaped from prison, and, oh woody's coughing up a lung um but i muted it so the audience has no idea so wait was this during a time like when you're telling these el chapo jokes was this during a time when it was pop he was like on the loose he's broken out of prison it's possible as a baller and a mexican national he's in that audience dude not only was it possible he had been seen in cabo listen in one of the developments on the grounds of esperanza man like he and they got there and it was like no dude he just left you know it was like always the case without you know he was here like 10 minutes ago so you know you know, and of course, like, this was like

when he had broken out through the toilet. You know what I mean? And I was like, dude, you got, like, he broke, he rode a motorcycle out of the toilet. Like that, you know, what? I can't flush a tampon. This guy got a down the fucking

toilet, you know? But, so, like that alone made people you know i was like come on get it together mexico this year they were like no no jokes so i just worked the room and stuff and i mean it's a very very generous audience and then the day after i get this email from a guy that introduced himself as the Peterson's house manager. And he said, the Petersons have requested your presence for dinner this evening. We'll send a car for you at five. And so my wife and I were like, oh, there's it.

And so we went to dinner with these guys. Super, super nice people. They had some of their kids there and kids relatives and you know they were all around our age we had a great dinner and then this guy just goes uh my wife and i are so appreciative of the work you've done we wanted to offer you the use of our estate in aspen for a week as a way of the estate in aspen eh that was like okay and uh so uh so that was nuts um and then uh uh steve huffstetter who uh you guys know a good friend mutual friend of ours uh i had uh there was a another charity in cabo that had asked me to host their fundraiser but it was too close to the date of Casa Hogar,

this orphanage that I do. And so Casa Hogar was like, two fundraisers in a small town, you know, on two consecutive nights, we'd like you to pass up on it. So I booked Hofstadter. And I dropped by that, and the woman that was hosting that fundraiser

was like the Mexican Joan Collins. Like, she was just this fabulous, mexican woman a great description go on dude the house it was like walking into architectural digest magazine it was sick you gotta ask steve about it it was it was like just walking into their her entryway was like this open air atrium with a fountain. It was like, you live like this? So we were talking to him for a little while and this lady was having a good time talking to my wife and she goes, you guys are so nice.

Thank you so much for introducing us to Steve and getting him to host for us. You'll have to come down and spend a week at one of my resorts. Yeah, see, see. Alright, I'm catching on to you, Mr. Henson. I see this. I bet you've been conditioned like a Halloween

sort of thing at this point. You're watching TV flipping through the channels. You see those orphans come on. You immediately get so happy. I'm glad that's out there somewhere. You're trying to play it off like you're just Mr. Beaning and falling ass backwards into these vacations.

Now these are calculated maneuvers. Am I going to do this show at the ice house or am I going to go to the fucking Ritz in Hawaii? Honey, honey, there's a tsunami. Another one. Come here, quick. Why? You ever been to the South Pacific? Why did I go into the entertainment industry?

There's no money in the entertainment industry. Philanthropy. It's all in philanthropy. So then we got home from this whole trip. industry there's no money in the entertainment industry philanthropy it's all in philanthropy so uh so then we got home from uh from this uh whole trip and uh and then i got a phone call from uh the gm of esperanza and he was like hey we really enjoyed your show would you like to come back and spend a week we got a villa put aside for you and your family and you could do a few shows down here so you know there's there's one sort of like yeah sure i'd love to host your fundraiser has turned into like

three three weeks of vacation that's crazy i feel like people that hate rich people just don't know enough of them they're fantastic i've never had a bad night hanging out with rich people it's glorious they're very sweet man the month the people with money down there feel to me very different than the people with money in LA. Like it's in LA, wealthy people kind of want you at arm's reach. They want to be a little removed and a little cloistered. In Cabo, I kind of felt like everybody is sort of on permanent vacation and the people that had a ton of money were just in this kind of like yeah man it's awesome i got some money you want to do something fun like this woman that was uh hosting the mexican joan collins when i when i uh when i

said well we're gonna have to leave now they were having a plated dinner and steve was gonna perform they were gonna do their fundraiser and my wife and i were gonna scoot out i go we're gonna leave we're gonna meet some friends for dinner and she goes why you can't leave where are they i'll send a car for them right now i'll send my driver like it was just like oh you're just you're just throwing money around like i'll send my driver bring them here it was crazy to be fair though how much does sending a driver cost there compared to one in l.a that might not be a variable cost for her right she might have the driver just there all the time and it doesn't cost her extra to send it.

She's a constant taxi running. Yeah, yeah. She just... That's a good point, too. The driver was waiting out there for her, you know? I've never seen somebody do, like, the $100,000... That's his fucking job. Like, I feel like no matter how you see the $100,000 card

you're talking about, I'm like, oh, throw $150,000. Like, my first response would be like, oh, fuck you. Like, like that is so much money and then my other response is like i fuck you the other way because you just threw up 150 no problem why don't you really see when it hurts you know throw up 400 or is that smile still as big did you get your your vindication there or is that a little too much you know you know it's funny man it's you could tell first of all i always encourage everybody to get drunk at a fundraiser. As I call it, liquid generosity. You know what I mean?

You get a few cocktails in you and suddenly you're like, you know what? And the next morning, oh, my God. Casino concept. But, dude, my wife got a few glasses of wine in her. And she was bidding on a three-day stay at the one and only Palmia, which is another five-star resort down in Cabo. It's actually where we had our first date 10 years ago. Excuse me.

And it was kind of funny because I'm hosting, like, I'm doing the auction and my wife is bidding. And part of me is like, oh, Jesus, please, God, somebody outbid my wife. And then when I realized, oh, no, she's like drunk enough that she's not going to be outbid. Then I was like, please, please stop bidding against my wife. So she ended up getting us a three-day weekend at the one and only Palmia. And the GM of the one and only Palmia, Peter Bolling, was in the audience. And, of course, I immediately started going, by the way, Mr. Bolling,

if you want to upgrade us, it's totally up to you. I would never call you out in front of all these people. If you don't upgrade us, it won't come up next year. Who knows when I get there what we're going to be walking into.

You might not have a room at all wow god my life sucks dick dude i gotta tell you this this place uh these places are so dialed in there's three there's three places in cabo that are we've we've stayed through these uh guys and and and like and the one and only palmia so we had our first date there 10 years ago. And there was a sommelier at this restaurant called Agua. And we saw this guy maybe two or three years after our first date. And he remembered us, right? Because my wife's like super chatty, Kath. So I go, Manuel, I don't know if you'll remember us, but we sat in Agua.

And he goes, I remember you sat at table 31 and you drank a, and like he remembered the white wine my wife drank at dinner almost three years earlier. That floored me. I was like, this dude is like Rain Man, you know? He had to carry the garbage bag full of all the empty bottles. And believe me, it was the first date. There were a lot of empty bottles. You know what I mean?

That's really impressive. Yeah, no, it was amazing man it was uh and then what happened to him that night like that's what we don't know is like that was also the night that something horrible happened to him like he's like he's like he's like yes this was also the night that my wife was murdered right before my eyes enjoy your evening actually murdered his family. Yeah. Now, there was another place that we stayed called Las Ventanas, and they have an office called the Romance Department.

Right. And so my wife and I were down there, I guess it would have been a couple of years ago. And we had this villa that had a little rooftop patio. And I decided that we were going to renew our vows, right? So I called the romance department and I said, hey, could you get me a guitarist and put some flowers and some champagne up there and stuff like that. Yeah, it's crazy right literally it's like it's a sign out in front of it says romance department so um you know look it's one thing you ask them to book you like a you know a guitarist and get some flowers and

champagne that's pretty generic but uh so they we they walked us uh we we walked up there, and the guitarist was waiting for us, and we renewed our vows, and then we went out to dinner. By the time we got home from dinner, so you're talking about two and a half hours, right? They had a photographer, because we were on a rooftop patio they had a photographer with a telephoto lens take a photo of us and it was blown up and framed in our room by the time we got back it's nice this is the kind of stuff that would happen to you on a vacation spot like two scenes before you find out you're going to be hunted yes this is like the level of building you up and yet you think this picture's for you nay nay this goes in the private foyer with all the others you know this is like the scene in the trailer this would be the scene

right before it's just the pov of my wife yeah flair witch style footage just branches and leaves in her face uh but yeah it was uh that was that really impressed me like i was like man you guys blew up this picture and framed it oh and uh they had a hot bath waiting for us with rose petals leading and candles. So this is the way I'm trying to back time it in my head because it was a piping hot bath. So I'm like, so they basically

had to, because they made the reservations for us for dinner. Well, they had to basically say to the, this is the only way that it could have been done. They had to say to the restaurant, call us the moment they pay their bill

so that during their 20-minute cab ride home, we have the time to draw a bath and have it waiting so that it's hot. It had to be coordinated. That was the kind of thing to me where I was like, oh, well done. You know what I mean?

How do you do that, you know? It'd be like a 30-minute, one of those Scorsese shots where it doesn't stop and everybody's, like, handing stuff. And you realize, like, five minutes in, you're like, god damn, like, this hasn't stopped in five minutes. It's hard. No edits. No edits, just a streamlined thing. I don't know if I'd be comfortable getting in a pre-drawn bath in Mexico. No, I wouldn't.

I wouldn't. I'm too mistrusting. I'm too distrustful. Mistrustful. It just wouldn't happen. They're like, hey, I've got a big piping hot vat of a liquid I'd like you to hop into in a foreign country. And I was like, well, I wasn't even here when you prepared that vat. What if it's sulfuric acid?

The guy who drew the bath for you has just spent all day sprinting around. El Chapo is in the closet fucking watching. There's the Colombian necktie and then there's the Cabo bath. Those are the two different ways. And it's not like this was some

masseuse who came in and gently drew it. This was a guy who just got back from waiting in line at Kinko's and is furious, sprints up there desperately trying to get it. You know, he'll spit in it. I tell you, Matt, on a night like that, when you have an experience like that, you're like, you look at your wife, you're like, if I don't get laid tonight, I got, there tonight, I can't spade higher than this. You've seen my A-game. I bet. Not that you ever would, but I guarantee if you call that romance department and explain that you needed another person sent up, they could probably make that happen as well. You could be like, I need a young lady sent up.

Sure. Chop, chop, gingerbread. Let's make it happen. Yeah. They have a plan B. If all of the romance department fails, they have an insurance policy. A new broad. You call the romance department.

All this crap and I still haven't gotten laid romance. What you got? You know, send something up, some chocolates, some girls, whatever. It seems like it would almost.

In Mexico, a manual release is pronounced Manuel release, just so you know. A Manuel release. A little more expensive. Yeah. But you get company. So there's that. For the exchange rate, though, it's worth it.

John, I watched you from way back in the talk soup days. Yeah. Dude, what was that experience like? Oh, man. That was awesome. i was talking about this recently a lot of our audience is super young they're like 19 can you lay it out what was talk to you well you know look you guys are youtubers you tell me somebody asked me recently what would to describe talk soup and i described it as youtube before YouTube. It was the first viral video show

where you were watching one-minute clips of extreme weirdness of the daily talk shows. And for people that are very young, 20 years ago ago 25 years ago there there was this whole genre of daytime television you know jerry springer maury povitz richard bay jenny jones um you know there it was a circus right and they were all trying to outdo one another and um and you know, that was like... They were always delving for a new low.

Yeah, like, you know... They were like, oh, could we get some circus freaks out there? Like, if they could find any excuse to get circus freaks actually on the stage, like, a good reason to do that, they'd do it. It'd be like, coming up on Thursday, my girlfriend's a guy you know what i mean and they'd be like revealing that the woman this dude's been dating for eight months has really got junk you know what i mean and so it was uh it was that they were like over that fights and midget wrestling and just it was crazy right and uh so talk soup was a roundup of the the daily talk shows but it was also like you know

it became i was the second host uh the first host was greg kinnear i was a giant fan of the show when he was on it and i was just a club comic you know and i just i like you know they i i was just a like charlie with the golden ticket, you know, and Willy Wonka. Like, I just got lucky and got to take over for him. So it was like a weird sketch show. It was like this very surreal, dark, you know, kind of comedy show that, you know, was a little out there. It was almost like a one-man SNL. It was really strange. And it was just, as a guy who, you know, had no television experience and was just a

guy in New York doing sets at the clubs, I took over for him. And, you know, overnight, I was on TV seven days a week. And because E then was not the E you see now. It was a very new network. They didn't have any money. And we were constantly making fun of like, we're just basic cable. It doesn't matter. We're doing the show for 75 cents. And so necessity became the mother of invention like we had no money and um and it

was it had like a i don't know like a morning zoo vibe my crew was all a part of the show they were in the sketches it felt very gorilla yeah yeah it really was like let's put on a show in the barn my mom made costumes lunatics running the asylum you know and uh it seemed like you had a lot of freedom there though could you could you the thing that is so unique about that experience that quite frankly i maintain will never really happen again so uh to give you an example um I did over 1100 shows there in four and a half years in 1140 shows

I never had a note session not one not one dude 900 hours of TV nobody ever sat me down and talked about ratings there was no one there that felt qualified to question you. They literally did not have the manpower or the infrastructure to watch over our shoulder.

When I started there, the only person we showed scripts to was my executive producer. And if she okayed it, we did it. producer and if she okayed it we did it about three years in i became executive producer and then i was the arbiter of what was okay to do which is a terrible terrible idea like we did things that were so dark that i just can't believe we got away with and there was any film i mean was there literally no filter between john henson and the airwaves of E I mean like you handed the tape but did they were just happy that you gave them a tape and what this is a half an hour you can show you know what the specific steps are like when you hand them that tape where does that tape go does that go somewhere for a bunch of

guys review it and they're like I don't I don't know, he said cunt. No, like, it was an honor system. You just knew. Could you have sent them pornography is what I'm getting at. I mean, you've probably lost your job before. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I think you're right. Woody once.

You could have, like, put it this way. We were doing, I had a bit that I used to do where I talked about my Uncle Francis. Or no, no, no, my Uncle Carl. I used to talk about my Uncle Carl. Being alone in the basement with Uncle Carl. 42-year-old Uncle Carl. And it was like this very dark, and it would always start where I would begin telling a story that would sound like it was really happy.

And then it would turn. So like, this is an example. We came out of a Dr. Scholl's dirty sneaker competition clip, you know, on one of the shows. And I was like,

Oh, that something like that happened to me once. And you, all the crew guys are going, Oh yeah. Yeah. And I go, yeah,

only, um, uh, it wasn't a, a dirty sneaker competition. It was a, a dirty underwear competition. And it

wasn't sponsored by Dr. Schultz. It was sponsored by my Uncle Carl. I was the only one who participated. But I won. And then you hear my crew guy off camera go,

what'd you win? And go six stitches and dude it was like everybody goes oh that was the kind of thing that we were doing that was airing four times a day and repeat that was the 90s like there was no nobody going like yeah no we just did stuff you know and uh how is that the personal side of it like you would get recognized in every grocery store that you're shopping in and like instantaneously because it was a it was a cult classic. Great show. You know what I mean? And I don't say that like as I'm taking ownership of it. It was cult classic. You know, it's called status with Greg Kinnear. You know, it went on. The other hosts experienced it as well.

I happened to be there at a great time in the evolution of the show. And, you know, they were taking full-page ads in Rolling Stone. Like, I went from being an unknown club comic to every episode, every, you know, issue of Rolling Stone for 18 months had a full-page ad of me. It was crazy. And so when that happens, like, there's got to be, like, other club comics

that you were at the same level as whatever that means maybe you get booked the same amount maybe you get the same pay here or there these guys are in the same level as you and suddenly overnight you're you've blown up like this what is the reaction that you get from these guys that that are you know your compatriots to some regard it it's first of all it's interesting because i this was right around the time that I fell out of stand-up and and what happened the reason it happened was I'd done stand-up for like seven years and when they were looking to replace Greg Kinnear they uh he told me that they looked at over 3,000 people in five different cities over 18 months it was a massive search every comic i know auditioned for it people that weren't

comics auditioned for it like everybody got seen that's why when i say like legitimately i was charlie with the golden ticket it really was like winning the lottery it wasn't like i know 25 comics that could have done that job i that for whatever reason you know they picked me it could have done that job. For whatever reason, they picked me. You did real well. But when I... So I moved from New York to L.A. to do the job. I took over in January. I think my first show was January 2nd

or January 3rd, 1995. And so I moved across the country. I don't know any of the bookers out here. I don't know any of the comics out here. It's an entirely different arena, you know, and there's a big difference between maybe less now. LA comics did not go over necessarily in New York and New York comics did not go over necessarily in LA. LA was a lot more commercial. New York was a lot more gritty and dirty and angry. You know, a lot of New York comics would talk about coming out to LA and getting like groans or ooze. You know what I mean?

Things that would make New York audiences laugh where it's too harsh for LA. York, uh, audiences laugh where it's too harsh for LA. Um, but, but the big thing was they started live coverage of the OJ trial, like three weeks after I got there. So they were doing, they only had one studio, they had two studios, but I had to be out of the studio by eight in the morning, which means I had to be at work at like 4. And, you know, I was a dude that for the last eight years, I was going to bed at 4. And so I had to go to sleep at like 7, 8 o'clock at night. You know what I mean? To be able.

So you're not a stand up anymore. That's that. And that went on for 11 months so like i blinked and i was you know a year out of stand-up and uh and then you know it's a daily television show so i couldn't travel i couldn't you know i couldn't even i worked friday so it's not even like i could say well i'll just do weekends like i couldn't fly out know, nobody was going to book me just to do a Saturday. So I kind of missed the boat. And I just like, you know, I became so obsessed with television, making TV. TalkSoup was such an exciting period for me creatively that, you know, I don't know. I think I kind of was burned out on stand up. Like stand up to me was, you know, the sketch that I had had since I was eight.

And, you know, TV felt like a brand new PlayStation 4. Like, there was just all this new whole world creatively that I was much more consumed with. And, you know, in retrospect, you know, I did myself a real disservice, and I wish I had stayed with stand-up. But I got lucky, and I worked a lot in television, so I stopped doing stand-up for like 16, 17 years. I was out of stand-up for like twice as long as I was a comic. And I just went back to stand-up like a few years ago. And it's funny. I ran into Joe Rogan rogan at the improv and he

and i started out around the same time in boston like me him greg fitzsimmons there were a lot of dudes that came out of that era in boston and i ran into him and he was like dude how you been i haven't seen you in forever and i go uh good i you know i back to stand-up. I haven't done it in like 16, 17 years. And he goes, ooh. You know, like, oh, good luck, you know? But, you know. Probably the same thing, like he would tell someone who's like, how you doing?

He's like, ah, thinking about getting a fight. It's been about five or six years. I'm going to get back in the octagon. He's like, ah. Yeah, how hard can it be? You know, it's like ah yeah how hard can it be you know it's like you know and and it's you know i i like i kind of went back to it because i was away from it for so long that it felt like a new you know i did television for so long that now stand-up felt new and fresh and you know and and exciting to me and um so i had to start from scratch i had to throw out my old

hour you know and start writing literally like from scratch and uh it's been really catch yourself like because you were used to doing stand-up when you can get away with saying a little more like did you catch yourself writing jokes and being like oh fuck nope nope this is 2017 i won't get away with that there's twitter like this is talk talk soup like there was. I think if anything, well, first of all, it's like you want you kind of want your material to reflect who you are,

what's going on in your life. My old act when I wrote in my 20s was all about me being young and partying, trying to get laid, and now all of a sudden I'm in my 40s, I'm married, I got two kids. It's like that viewpoint was invalid. I had to start from scratch. And if anything, you know, it was coming off of seven years of doing Wipeout, like writing

family-friendly, soul-crushing puns, you know, just... Do you feel for Bob Saget now? Do you know his pain? Like all those years he was doing AFV? you know i gotta tell you man i mean i've talked about this before but uh i had the opportunity when i left talk soup in like 1999 i had the i was offered the opportunity to take over afv for bob saget right right? And I turned it down. And it was a ton of money, like crazy money. And I turned it down. And, you know, obviously I wish I hadn't.

In retrospect, you know, Tom Bergeron has, you know, made himself a gazillion dollars doing that. But you've got to remember, like, Woody, if you remember Talk Soup, you know, I was doing comedy for college kids and stoners and edgy, weird, avant-garde humor

and Bob Saget and America's Funniest Home Videos, and this is not a knock on Bob. It was a great gig for him, but it was the gig. This was gray-haired people in the audience, laugh track, puns. it was the gig like this was gray-haired people in the audience laugh track puns like it was older like people would be slipping in puddles and he would just make a little voice like oh no is that a puddle whoops i fell again i've been on america's funniest home

videos they grabbed one of my youtube videos and put it on that show and they cut it up and they put a laugh track to it and stuff and i didn didn't like what they did with it, to be honest. I was like, ah, it doesn't quite build. One of your videos was on AFB. The dog bark collar one. They cut one of your videos up and put laugh tracks in it and put it on America's Funniest Home Videos. They bought the rights for it, yeah.

The dog barking collar one. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Woody put a dog collar on himself and electrocuted himself. He barked. He went, woof, woof. And, of course, it zapped because because he's a real humanitarian and everybody's like everybody like points to that as something irresponsible he was doing it because he was about to strap that thing on his little on his dog you know he wanted to know like what how bad is this if he's

a serious fucking collar the dog was a great dame and uh and i put it on and he's like you talk and it didn't really go off. You bark quietly. It didn't go off. But then each time you set it off, it ratcheted up the amount of shocking you're getting. And so the first one, it just kind of shocked me. By the end of it, my feet are tapping. My head is going. And it was a pretty good video.

It was for large dogs. It was supposed to be like, if this dog doesn't figure out it needs to stop chewing on this little boy's arm, he needs to get shocked a little harder. It was a bark collar. It was like being tased by a police officer. Yeah. So, yeah, I was on the show, and I know exactly what they do. Yeah, well, to me, it felt like I can't do that. It felt like I would be selling out my brand, you know? And the irony is I ended up doing Wipeout,

which was a very similar family-friendly, you know, slapsticky, goofy style of humor. It's a lot funnier because it's real. It's a lot funnier, and I feel like it's more of a teen audience, if anything, because of the violence. You know, they're falling and stuff. I watched that show because me as, like, a 28

or however year older i was at the time like i just want to see these people fall and smash their faces i watched mxc like you know that japanese dubbed over version like anything where people are jumping and going through obstacle courses and falling it's hilarious mxc was fucking hilarious mxc is is real classic television that that this current generation will never know anything about yeah i think it's actually, you can watch it maybe on Netflix or Hulu. I ran into Johnny

Knoxville once and he was like, oh, dude, I love Wipeout. And I go, really? It seems like it's so tame compared to what you guys do. And he said it so well. He goes, yeah, you know, it's just fun watching people get smoked. That's all it is, you know? But so I, after years of writing family-friendly, eight o'clock, fastball, right down the heart of the plate

material on Wipeout, I was looking forward to going back to stand-up, because it's like, I ain't going back to stand-up to not swear after, you know what I mean, 8 p.m. on ABC. And when Tom Bergeron announced he was stepping down, I was like, oh, dude, now I'm ready. Like, now I'm that guy. I'm perfect for this gig. You've got to let me do it. And I screen tested, and Vin DeBona had the last laugh, the last laugh man i'm like no i want to do the show he's like nope i'm giving it to alfonso ripiero i was like oh man i mean it had to be

like as far as i get what you're saying with actually it had it would have been so much shittier to be bob saget with afv than actually being there watching people fall and there's always the real potential they could get hurt you know and that's funny and that's something that that show did well is showing people get hit really hard in a way that may it looks like it hurts and then they always just come up looking a little disappointed right up yeah everything and I think they add a little add in a few sound effects some some sound effects every time they're cracking. Some bone cracking sound effects. Yeah, sure.

We were always trying to push the envelope on how far we could make fun of that danger aspect on Wipeout. And they were always like, no, we don't talk about injuries. This is a fun show. So we had a specific type of of wipeout that we called a scorpion if you face planted so hard that like your feet bowed up and touched the back of your head we called that a scorpion right and this woman did a scorpion that was so unbelievably violent and the ankle of her back was so impossible that the joke that I had written

was, I go, oh my God, do we need to get new jobs now? And then she pops up and starts running. I go, nope, we're okay. And they were like, no, no, you can't do it. I go, why? And they were like, we know what you're trying to say.

You're trying to say we almost broke her back. And I was like, yeah, we know what you're trying to say. You're trying to say we almost broke our back. And I was like, well, we almost did. I think this clip is it. Really? I was watching some today just to get a refresher because you were saying it's more teens that watch that show. I know at least one gray haired man who watched it at the time. My grandpa, because he would go from professional bull riding where people are falling very hard and very dangerously, and then you get a little bit of a break

and you go to Wipeout and get some more soft falls, not as violent, and then right back to bull riding. So at least a couple of elderly out there enjoying Wipeout. This is a true story. I'm good friends with an amazing, a world-renowned close-up magician named Doc Ethan.

I just saw it. And I saw him at the Magic Castle and he goes, hey, buddy of mine a world-renowned close-up magician named Doc Eason. I just saw it. He's remarkable. And I saw him at the Magic Castle, and he goes, hey, a buddy of mine ran the wipeout course. And I go, oh, yeah, no kidding. How did he do? And he goes, broke his femur real bad. Still walks with a limp and a lot of pain.

I was like, oh, well. They say he'll never walk again. He's looking for you. He said you said something distasteful on the coverage. He didn't hear you like it. Oh, it felt terrible. He has a better angle. Did you always know that you were one person

getting grievously injured away from having to stop the show? We did seven seasons of that show, and two of those years we did a winter version and a summer version so in fact one year we did winter spring and then summer so we were on twice a week in prime time for nine consecutive months um and uh and so really like seven seasons was really almost like nine seasons, you know?

And when the show got canceled, obviously I would have loved to have done another season. But when it ended, I went, well, we got out without killing anybody, you know what I mean? Like, thank God that we didn't have any catastrophic injuries. Another thing I liked about that show is that when you watch Ninja Warrior, it's like a Ninja Warrior for fat people or just for preschool teachers or whatever. Just people who want to go out there. With Ninja Warrior, it's like, you know, this is super

hard, but it is possible. There are things on Wipeout where it'd be like, alright, you need to run across these balls. One of them's a trap. We're not going to tell you. You'll fall right through it. And it's like, none of these people from the get-go had a chance. Like you could have put the best at you. Usain Bolt could have been one of the contestants,

and he would have failed just like the rest. Spider-Man, it didn't matter. First of all, it was not – it was a course designed for failure, right? So if you're doing well, we're not doing our jobs. Second of all, we're not dealing with highly trained athletes. These were not like Olympic caliber competitors. This was like, hey, housewife, 5'2", buck 80, got a great feeling about you.

You're going to be great. And if you watch repeats of Wipeout, the people who built the course actually smarted up, smartened up, got clever enough to, they would put something moving in your peripheral vision over on your right side to turn your head to your right so you wouldn't see like whatever was coming from the left they would literally direct your attention this way so that you just got flying what i liked about like because i know like the shitty jokes you had to say that must be training as a comic especially but i like like comparing it again to ninja warrior it's almost like it beat that to the punch because ninja warrior the guy will try and talk up the contestant with like feats they don't really have that aren't that impressive like this is josh johnson and he you know won his local karate match almost two years in a row

second place the second year real close and they try and build them up like also run a picture there trophy in one hand certificate in another they also runs 5ks often and and you're real close, and they try and build him up like also runs 5Ks. He's got a picture there, trophy in one hand, certificate in another. He also runs 5Ks often, and it does him really well, always wins, and then he goes, and you're kind of like, oh man, that guy's a real athlete. I watched a couple clips where you were narrating, and it was almost like you were low-key

fucking with the whole thing, being like, this is Susan. She owns one of the rare male calico cats about to sit there on there. And then I remembered, she was sitting on one of the blobs and then she got hit by some weight because you couldn't just get a fat guy, you had to throw a barrel

full of cement down onto it. And she flew up so high. And the whole time you were pretending that it was like a really good thing from her, like, wow, look at the height she's achieved there. And it's like, no, she's just established she's a cat owner with no experience. It was great, man. I mean, they,

you know, when we first started doing that show, Wipeout, they... Huffing back shape. We gotta get you an iron lung. Oh my god. You know, I think you can find them on Craigslist. Very

gently used, I believe is what they say in the description. But like, the first season on Wipeout, the producers didn't want to do a whole lot of comedy. Like, their whole thing was the course is the star of the show. You know,

we were told, like in these words know we were told like in these words we were told see dog say dog if woody's running up the stairs i want you to go there's woody running up the stairs and like you know my attitude was like well children and dumb people are gonna watch no matter what so why don't we try to like loop in a more discerning audience by making some jokes and they i mean we it was like tense like people were like you know producers would tell me stop trying to distract the audience with your jokes this is about you you know and uh and then like the more it started to catch on the more slack they started letting out in our comedic leash so to speak and by like the third or fourth season dude it was just jailbreak i'm wearing like wigs and

doing characters yeah it sounds like they didn't understand their own show because the contestants are not the point of the show they are the meat that gets ground the whole point of the show. They are the meat that gets ground. The whole point of the show is the obstacle course and you. That's it. You're the meat grinder operator and the course is the meat grinder. It doesn't matter who they are or what they do. It's actually better if they're not impressive because they're just going to fall flat.

An athlete will fall in a very athletic kind of way. They'll roll out of things and pop back up. You don't want to see that. You want to see scorpions. Matt Kunitz is the guy who created Wipeout. He also created Fear Factor. I loved working

for this guy. He's an excellent guy. I hope to work with him again. He grew to trust me enough that in the last season of the show, my wife had her 40th birthday party. It was an awesome theme party. It was come as the celebrity that you share your birthday with.

So you'd have to go look up your birthday, find other celebrities, and then dress in costume as that person. So I went as Yul Brynner, and I got, like, a King and I costume, and I had a friend who's, like, a full-on, like, makeup special effects artist in movies come and do a custom-made bald cap for me. It took, like, two and a half hours, and it was flawless. And as soon as she put it on, it was so, it looked so good that before I went to the party,

I called Matt Kunitz on the phone and I sent him a picture and I go, we have to do a bald cap show on White House. And he goes, I don't understand. Why would you be bald? And I was like, who cares why I'll find out a reason, dude.

It doesn't matter. It's stupid. It's hilarious. You have to let me do it. And he was like, all right. Didn't make any sense at all, but we made an entire themed show out of me having a bald cap on.

It was ridiculous. I love those shows. Frankly, I want a rougher, tougher version for the 21st century that really has blood. That's what I want. Maybe I shouldn't say that, but I want blood. You want the running man. Now, I want the running man,

but I know I can't get the running man. I've been talking about the running man for years. Don't get me started on the running man. but I know I can't get the running man. I've been talking about the running man for years, all right? Like, don't get me started on the running man. You go to the right country. I'll have to go get my charts, my proposals, my PowerPoint presentation. Like, I definitely want the running man. But more realistically, I just want to see people jumping over hurdles and swinging through vines and stuff and actually eating shit and getting hurt.

They just did a thing on Netflix called The Ultimate Beastmaster and they really dressed it up well and they reworked the old formula nicely. They've got multinational hosts from six countries and stuff and they do a good job with it, but there's

no blood. And if you look closely, you can tell that every obstacle is so foamed and nerfed out that, like, it doesn't matter how hard you hit this stuff, the worst thing that's gonna happen is you're gonna get the breath knocked out of you. But I wanna see limbs get, like, caught. You know those, like, gymnastic loops?

I wanna see them, like, having to wrap You don't wanna see that. You wanna see that until the first scene where it happens. And, like, snap. And they're, like, ahhh! And they're dangling fromling from like a broken wrist and guys have to like rappel down and like get them this is an expensive show

the next time I go to Cabo and the romance department sets me up with a nice hot bath and then my wife and I are running through the forest it's going to be Kyle shooting at us and I'm going to be looking over my shoulder going, I thought the podcast went well!

Why are you shooting at me? I mean, if it was going to be one of us, it'd be Kyle. He would be my pick. I mean, if anyone would be chasing me through the woods with a gun, I'd prefer it not be Kyle, because I feel like he'd get me. Oh, yeah. I'd prefer it not be Kyle, because I feel like he'd get me. Oh, yeah.

I don't know, though. I don't know. I'm a survivalist. I've watched every single one of Primitive Technology's videos on YouTube. I haven't tried anything yet, but I'm getting close. I am a professional survivalist. I've been paid to survive in the wild, and thus I am one. So wait a minute. Hold on

a minute. I want to get into this. I want to get into this, because... done that. I want to get into this because. So here's my theory. OK. I my brother and I have talked about I'm the youngest of five boys and we've talked about this. I've lived in L.A. now for 22 years. I assume there are very, very good odds that at some point in my lifetime in Los Angeles, there will be an extended period of lawlessness, whether it is natural disaster, whether it's terrorist attack, whether it's the failure of a power grid. You know, there's going to come a time where I mean, look, if you lose power, right, if they knock out a power grid, that takes a couple, two, three, four months to repair. As soon as food spoils, people start getting a little weird. You know what I mean? When there's no refrigeration and shit and they're looting stores and stuff.

So my brother and I have had this conversation where he's like, we have to prepare for the zombie apocalypse. And he's like, you need to, if you are not able to, like, kill and dress an animal, you're kind of screwed. You know what I mean? Like, you can go, you can learn to start a fire, but until you can truly hunt and build shelter, you're kind of screwed. So we've been, like, going, is there some, there's got to be a

survivalist event where you can go like you and your buddies can go take a course something oh yeah i know the guy like like if that was something you're actually interested in like in texas i know that i know the wonderland place where you go and you pay a fee you go to a 20,000 acre wildlife game ranch in the middle of Texas, you have a professional survivalist guide who will take you out into the wilderness and show you the native plants and animals and the stones and how to read sign. And then you'll go back to a cabin

and eat some sort of like elk or venison, some sort of manly meal. So would this guy accept 30 minutes of talking to the audience as payment? No, no. Well, no. You don't think so until John gets there.

Maybe he's a huge late talk soup fan. I don't know. Do you know how much something like that costs? I don't, but I could point you in the right direction after the show. I'm not kidding. Like I said, I'm the youngest of five boys, and we started a tradition years ago where every year we take my

father on a three-day stag weekend. There's six of us, including my dad. We call ourselves the Stag Six. We've been doing it for years. Our motto is no women, no kids, no excuses. You come from wherever you are. I like it. I love it.

My brother comes from Australia. Dude, I have the logo tattooed on my, uh, on my body, right? We have like a six point buck with a number of them. I mean, it's,

we're hard for every year we print up, you know, uh, and, and create merchandising. We got jackets and hats and shirts and all that kind of stuff. Golf balls, playing cards,

anything you can think of. We got the stagg 6 logo on it. If someone in your family dies, call me. I'm thinking if we could do something, it might be a little intense for my 83-year-old dad, but I want to be able, I want to know. This is it, man. I've got it. Check out this link that I just shared with you.

I know these people. I've worked with them a few times. Tank driving? That's a necessity for the apocalypse. So while you're there, I'll get to the bushcraft stuff in just a moment, but just so you know, while you're there, you can do explosives training, drive World War II tanks that actually fire, shoot artillery pieces, machine guns, do any kind of hunting you've ever heard of, 4x4 race jet skis in his private lake uh mountain repelling all that stuff but he does these bushcraft courses uh two and a half day courses

i think it's 550 dollars um yeah it's on the site yeah it says that it's the art of making maintaining and transporting fire when you have no matches how to locate collect and purify water even in the most arid environments because you are in Texas. It's very dry. How to find and eat wild plants and animals for sustainable sustenance. How to properly construct and use shelters for temporary and long-term use. How to make your own knives, axes, cooking utensils. How to navigate with and without a compass and map.

Advanced medical training for environmental conditions and trauma. I know the guy that teaches this course. Dude, you have to send. I'm in. You've got to send me the information. And let me be clear. There's a link in the Skype. But I want to do it. You know what I mean? I really want to do it. Oh, this would not be something that would push you

to the limits. This would be a very fun sort of, alright, now hop in the truck and we'll go out here and I'll show you something. It definitely would be like, alright, boys, we're out here now. Shit just got real. Dude, I tell you what. I'm going to try to – I want to do this. I want to organize it.

I want me and my brothers to do it, and then I'll come back on and we'll talk about it. Sure. That sounds awesome. They're awesome people. This looks like a good way to, like, dip your toes in the survival water because, you know, like, I'm sure all of us have watched on YouTube the videos of people showing how to actually survive. And if you get, like, 30 seconds into into one you'll be like what the fuck that guy is Starting a fire with an arm getting wood with an axe he already made From random shit, and it's like this guy's already five steps ahead. I can't watch this. I need to just like

You know there's no reason to learn how to make your own axes There's gonna be a lot left over at Home Depot at the apocalypse. Like, you think that's one thing? I think there's going to be plenty of axes. And enough people will die that they'll be strewn about. Well, I would really, like, I'd sleep better at night if I, and that's the other thing, is like, we talk about the, you know, I

I'd rather have a gun and not need it than need it and not have it. You know what I mean? If I have a gun and not need it, then need it and not have it. You know what I mean? Yeah, we're all very armed. If I could defend myself and survive and provide food for my family in the wilderness, then I would feel like... I pitched a show once called Grown-Ass Man,

and the idea would be there's a variety of things that you need to be able to do to consider yourself a grown-ass man. You need to be able to go out in the woods and, you know, kill and dress a deer. And you need to be able to, like, tie a Windsor knot and pick a bottle of red wine and ballroom pants. Like, you know what I mean? I feel like we might combine into a man, right? I feel like if we took the three of us, our skill, my dancing,

your deer dressing, like we've got a man in there somewhere. That's an aggregate man. We can form one solid man. Exactly. We can meld our collective talents. See, I can tie a knot.

I don't know about a Windsor. I'm not sure, but I can tie a tie mostly. No, I can tie the cheesy one then. do you own a gun right now i can't tie any kind of a tie knot at all i had woody tie mine last time uh we were together in a hotel and one was required and it wasn't a windsor but i was in no position to complain about the the type or quality of my knot i was like shit that looks it looks good to me that's a tie tie knot. I'll tell you something, because now you're

into an area where I know. People talk about a double Windsor. There's no such thing as a double Windsor. There's a Windsor and a half Windsor. There's no such thing as a double Windsor. I know it sounds ridiculous, but Windsor,

half Windsor, prat knot. There's different styles, different ways to tie a tie depending on what you're wearing, the width of the tie, the material you're wearing. We spent an hour before watching YouTube tying videos on this show before. We definitely need to bring John into our collective man, right? He's a part of the team. I can see this happening. We need him.

Look, you know, the whole thing with like a bow tie here's the thing that uh i i because i'm a i like bow tie right so i i got a lot of bow ties but you know when i see i was at the magic castle once and and uh my wife and i go there a bunch and and that's you got to go you got to roll big right you got to wear a suit and i saw an older man like and i mean like a man in his like late 70s and he was wearing a clip-on bow tie and i walked up to him and i go you have the nerve to call yourself old you learn how to tie a bow tie for god's sake do you know that tying a bow tie is literally the exact same way you tie your shoelaces? I didn't know that.

I somehow don't think it would turn out. Over the little loop, pull it through. I've had a bow tie for years that has sat in the same place as my closet for years because I've always, like my gut reaction when I'm in public and I see like a common, you know, it's a nice place where everybody's dressed up and they all have regular ties and there's always that one guy with the bow tie because he's so quirky and fun. And my first thought is always like,

fuck that guy. Who do you think you are? And I'm like, oh, I don't ever want to be that guy. And so I've never been confident enough to put it on. I don't want to answer that guy's territory. So here's the thing, man. When I go do stand-up, I always wear a jacket and a tie.

I'm like the only comic that I know Tom Papa also will wear a jacket and tie or a suit. Most comics look at you and they're like, what are you doing? Did you just come from traffic court? Why are you dressed up?

But I always feel like A, if people are going to be paying to see me, put your shit together. You know what I mean? Present them a professional appearance. But I will not lie to you, my wife and I do a date night and we put on, as my father would say, he's from Arkansas, we put on the dog. We get dressed up, man. And so I encourage you guys to learn how to rock a tie or a bow tie

or get a pocket square. Like, do the little things that you can do to look good without looking like prissy and a pussy you can do it dude it's and and it's like there's a there's a way that old italian men dress it's called and it means basically like uh like uh like a studied nonchalance like a disheveled elegance so you go to like italy and you'll see these old men they'll be wearing like a fucking five thousand dollar suit but they won't button their sleeves and they're they're they'll tie their tie and they'll leave it like you know they like it won't

be perfect it'll be like pulled to the side or they'll they'll even tie it so that the long part in like the skinny part in back is longer than the front fat part you know like and it's like they look like this kind of like oh I just threw on this suit I wasn't really paying attention do I look like a silver fox I wasn't paying attention and you see these guys and it's like dude's 70 years old his skin is the color of terracotta he's got a huge pasta belly and his like ties kind of a scant and he's got a chick that's 30 years younger in his arm and you're like you fucking won pal you have won life good for you you know You know what I mean? So I would encourage you guys, get that

fucking bow tie out, dude, and rock it. Wear it, man. Maybe I will. I'd like to see you tie it on the show. Tie my bow tie on the show? Yeah. Me? I've never tied it. I've never put it on. Yes. Watch the YouTube video, and I tell you what, man.

I've got a video where I can do it without looking in the mirror. And that, my friend, is like breaking down a gun and putting it back together. If I had a bow tie waiting to be tied in my house somewhere, this is something I would do for the show. I would just grab it and make it a bit. You were talking about the- Sissy. Sissy.

All the listeners are going to love hearing me tie my tie badly. Everyone will get a kick out of the bit. The survival thing. If you're interested in guns, because you kind of insinuated that, Kyle is also the guy to talk to about guns. Because, you know, you can have all your training

on making fires and whittling, or whatever they teach you how to do there, but if you don't have a gun, you're just as... All you says you're gathering food for the strongest guy on the block i appreciate the like learning to do that stuff kind of thing and uh we've kind of gone through our own amateur version of that ourselves like like i can make a fire with like you know like a sparker and stuff like that i can i got that flint and steel magnesium but when it comes down to it like as far as water and food and all that stuff like if you just have one of these then you can just take that from the guy who's over there like crafting like like if there's a guy over there crafting and

making that little fire and he's boiled up a gallon of clean water and in his terracotta pot he made that took him like two weeks to put together. You walk along and you go, hey, I'll be having that. Yeah, put two in the first pan. Get them pennies off, boy. Make me another pint. That's how the future goes. That's how it plays out every single time, unfortunately.

Well, I gotta tell you, I don't want a gun for like, oh, honey, I heard something downstairs. I'm gonna go play Charles Bronson. Like, I want a gun for, you know, like I said, there's been a loss of basic services, and you just want to make sure that if... That's a big gun. Well, dude, you know what? My father said the smartest thing, man.

I go like, because we were having this conversation on a stag six weekend. And my brother goes like, what would you do if you were like, if they start looting, if there's been a week without power and people are starting to loot, how would you defend your home? And my father goes, well, the first thing I would do is I'd get a sheet and spray paint and I would write gun owner and hang it in front of the house. And I was like, that is baller, man. Like, if you don't even have a gun, if people are walking down the street and they see that, they're like, fuck it. I'll go to the next house.

You know what I mean? See, that's an interesting tactic in L.A. Like, if someone did that here in Missouri, you'd just be like, yeah, of course, asshole. You ruined your garage door. I'm sure in Georgia it's the same. They'd be like, he's lying. He's trying to fake us out.

That's exactly where my mind went. I'm like, what's he telling everybody about it for? It kind of sounds like the sort of thing someone without a gun would say to me. Kind of sounds like the sort of thing a guy wearing a bowtie would write. A damn democrat in there pretending like he's got a gun. That's what we got here boys I bet he's got a bunch of water. Laws and basic services and now they're coming for the second amendment. I guess I've got to figure out how to get a gun. Get the license and what you've got to do.

I wouldn't want to have it in the home unless my wife knew how to handle it. I would want her to know her way around it. That'd be a fun thing to do. You could get, or whatever kind of gun you wanted, a shotgun maybe, and then just go to a range,

or go out and go skeet shooting, both of you. It's fun. It's something that, like, even people who are like, oh, I'm uncomfortable around guns or whatever, like, once you take them out there and you have them shown that it's safe, and you, like,

really the riskiest part are the people who are like, say they're afraid of guns. Sometimes when you get them out there to try and downplay the severity of guns, they'll be a little more loopy-doopy with it, and you have to be like, hey, you're the one who's afraid of these, and there's a fucking reason to be, so keep it pointed that way. We're going to learn how to do this.

If you can instill that respect of this is not joke-around time, then people really enjoy it. Guns are awesome. Isn't this like a news story about one of like an Olympic sharpshooter accidentally killed himself cleaning his gun? I thought we were going to talk about the Blade Runner case and the Paralympic athlete who shot his girlfriend through the bathroom. Oscar Pistorius, right? Yes, the Blade Runner.

What a cool name. This whole time, I didn't know that he shot his girlfriend. Who's single now, if you're interested? You know what they call him in prison? Wheels. He had to very quickly transition from Olympian to wise old inmate. Like a three-week span span of I'm real quick on my super fast blades and then they go

yeah you can't have these in there because some gang's going to steal them and then kill you with them. So here's your chair. Here's your very uncomfortable two piece wheelchair because we can't have comfortable pieces there because otherwise the other people in prison will rip off the pieces and murder one another. Maybe he could make his own blades out

of toothbrushes or something. You know what I mean? He has to DIY it. He's got Shawshank Redemption. Andy Dufresne crawls through 500 yards of shit-smelling

filth I can't even imagine. That'd be a lot harder with blade feet. This whole time, I didn't know that that guy shot his girlfriend. I was always wondering how he managed to do that in the state he was, because I assumed that he doesn't sleep with the blades on. He did in South Africa, I believe. Yeah, but I was wondering how, not how he got a gun, how he overpowered. I didn't know that he shot her.

I thought that he beat her to death or did whatever he did. Alright, so I'm probably going to butcher this a bit, but he claims that in the night he hears a noise, hears what he claims he believed at the time was an intruder, he arms himself and then he fires through the bathroom door at what he

believes. Nine rounds, right? Yeah. He dumps the mag into his bathroom door and he kills his girlfriend who's on the other side of it. And I think he had his legs on. I think that, like, because it was a big news story. I think that the sequence of events was

he hears the noise, puts his blades on, arms himself, and then goes and shoots through with this noise in the middle of the night. And my first thought is, like, if I wake up out of bed and there's a noise, I'm going to look to where my, you you know he claims his girlfriend is there in the

house with him like she i'm gonna be like hey hey wake up get your gun i'm gonna go like you know i'm gonna like let her know like hey lock the door behind me i'll knock twice if it's me anything else it's not you know i'm gonna say something to her so if when i wake up hear this noise and she's not there oh it's her but But that wasn't his first inkling. You know what else probably pushed the cops against his side when they showed up? If you've ever seen people walk in those blade legs, they have kind of a natural, upbeat,

like, oh yeah, I'm looking good, I'm looking happy, I'm feeling confident, I'm enjoying what's going on. He walked out there like, hey, guys, girlfriend's dead! What can I say? Even if he was crying, they're like, look at this smug chipper fuck. He just killed his girlfriend. He's bouncing out here like everything's fine.

Old robo legs. Nothing to worry about. No. And then, of course you get resentful if you see a guy bouncing out. I wonder if he was like, you know, because it was like they don't know if it was intentional or not. I wonder if he was like, hey, I got her. I mean, I got her. She's passed.

Yeah, that's outrageous. Like, anyone who's, like, a gun owner and, like, you know, is familiar with the thoughts that go through your head when you consider the scenarios of home defense and how they would all play out. Like, these are thoughts that gun owners have, and, like, you usually have, like, an idea of how this thing should and would play out so that you'll maximize your chances of success and not hurting anyone, you know, in defense of your own home and family members. And maybe part of that would be to begin with, honey? Yeah, find the people you care about first. Like, it's not about let's find him. It's about let's protect everyone. Let's protect the people first and then the belonging second.

And, like, you know, that's the order of events that actually would happen in that scenario. So him just going and blasting through a bathroom door without first finding his girlfriend is outrageous, especially as an Olympic athlete. Legs or no legs. He had his blades on. I got two small kids. So if I were to own a gun, I would want one of those. Like, don't they have gun cases where you need to use your handprint or your fingerprint to open it up?

Yeah, there's lots of different ways to make guns safe, and it depends on the age of the person you're trying to keep from, you know, utilizing the weapon. If you're trying to keep a teenager from getting a gun, obviously, you know, you've got to go to, like, locking it up, you know, because there's no other way to stop them. I don't trust anything with a fingerprint,

to be honest. Like, what if you need that gun and your hands are covered in blood Like, what if you need that gun and your hands are covered in blood? Or what if you need that gun and you're already cut and wounded from glass? Or God knows what. If you're going for a gun, it's not an ideal scenario. I'm a little worried about you, Kyle. You're creating some scenarios. The gun is for these scenarios.

What does your talking doctor have to say about all this stuff? So, yeah, I don't like the fingerprint thing. I want to be able to get my gun and, like, get to it. I don't have any children in my house. What would you do? What do you think is better, a lock, just a lock, and then you keep the key hidden? No. I would put it either out of reach.

If they're little children, you can put it out of reach, right, and have it locked away. But there are safes that are meant to get your gun quickly, and it's a quick pin pad that you can have on your nightstand. It'd be like, beep, boop, boop, boop, gun. And as soon as you put the pad in, it's like, here's your gun, and you've got your gun. And you can just leave it loaded in there so you're not fiddle fucking around at the last second. That's the other thing. And I know that the first mindset of – because we all hear so much gun control stuff and so much gun control stuff is like, oh, god. You never leave a gun loaded.

And, I mean, this gun isn't loaded. But, I mean, think about the steps that you've got to go to make a gun loaded. And remember, we're in that nightmare scenario again where they're coming to get us, whoever they are in this scenario. You've got to put the magazine in, and then you've got to rack the gun. You've got to hope that you did it all well and the gun's going to work.

But if you didn't, what if you fumbled through that process and you dropped something? Now you're, oh, shit, oh, and a bullet fell out. I mean, there was a malfunction right there. A bullet fell out of the magazine. I just lost one. That might confuse me. And my hands are shaking. It's better just to have the thing loaded so you just flick the safety right there and you bullet fell out of the magazine. I just lost one. That might confuse me. And my hands are shaking. It's better just

to have the thing loaded so you just flick the safety right there and you're good to go. Now, do you have one in the chamber or are we getting ready to watch you die? He just took it out. Oh, he plays with loaded guns every week. Yeah, yeah. They're no fun if they're not loaded.

He's literally a certified expert. Yeah. Just agree. I'm like, I got paid for it. He just mailed away for it. I threw Kyle a ball that I thought he could receive, and then you were like, yeah, actually, no, I cannot say that. I love that you're like, he's a certified expert, and I'm like my home defense is related to like

I could make some scathing comments I could hurt your feelings I could make jokes at your expense that will really make you question yourself after you kill us you're making he'll be using all these stolen goods to pay for therapy. That'll teach him.

I don't even want that plastic TV. Is your apartment in 2007? But I don't know. I guess you're in California, right? Yeah. So it may be the gun laws there are a little bit different, and I'm certainly not an expert on the California gun laws, the Republic of California.

In Georgia, they just give you one at the border, right? Yeah, everyone has one at birth. Like, you get a little baby gun right off the start, a little Derringer in your diaper. It's quite easy. You know, you go through the same federal background check every time you purchase one, unless you have a concealed carry permit, which I have.

But I was thinking maybe because of your celebrity status, it might make things easier for you to not only acquire a weapon, but acquire a concealed carry permit. Because I know guys like Anthony Cumia, he has one for New York. Imagine that. New York City, Anthony Cumia's walking around strapped.

So when he had that spat a while back where he got in a lot of trouble on Twitter for making some racist remarks after that lady beat him up and then he got all mad. You have to keep in mind the whole time that he was taking that beating from that lady with a gun on his hip and at least he's a cool-headed individual enough that he didn't, you know, like, hey, get back

away from me! Brandishing it around like a maniac. Put it this way, it would have been a little more than getting fired from SiriusXM if he had pulled the weapon. His ratings went up. They may have had to keep him if he'd done that. Let me do a quick ad read here

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Right now, Texture is offering our listeners a 14-day free trial. When you go to texture.com slash pka, that's 14 days to try Texture for free. When you go to texture.com slash pka, texture.com slash pka. I was wondering where they were going to go with that whole election thing. Like, yeah, 2016, one for the books, this and that. I'll make the election. You're going to lose half your audience where are you headed yeah like where am i being like writing that ad comments right here for the they probably had to like bounce that around like 50 times where they were like you know uh what what an election and they're like no no because because someone's

gonna think we really like it and they're like oh no, no, because someone's going to think that we really like it. And they're like, oh, and some people are going to think we really hate it. What can we say that people really can't get mad at? Just call it a game changer, because the game was changed. Yeah. Maybe against you. It was changed, though. It can't be mad. Absolutely. No one's mad about that. Texture. Yeah.

Yeah, they put damn big of us on it. Nice job. Yeah, check them out. Texture's a great sponsor. Yeah, links down in the big on it. Nice job. Yeah, check them out. Texture is a great sponsor. Yeah, links are in the description below. I wanted to ask you about who wants to be a millionaire. And it's just this one question that I've always considered that if I were the host of that show, I'd be a little tempted. Do you have the answers to the questions? And if so, how soon do you have them?

And if so, would there ever? And I'm not saying you would. Of course, you're an honest family man, but if you were an evil fucking genius, could you imagine a way to get the answers to a contestant and maybe split the money with them or something like that? Could you have feasibly made that happen in any way? Dude, they are very serious about, like, you know, they backstage, they go over the correct answers, and it has to be done twice. It has to be done with witnesses, and they sort of feed them to you as you go.

But, yeah, I wish in retrospect retrospect when i was doing that i that week i did a week of guest hosting who wants to be a millionaire and i was at the time they were talking about potentially you know i think i was one of a handful of people that they were looking at to potentially take over for meredith viera had. And instead, I think she left her daytime talk show and just did Millionaire. They were thinking she was going to leave Millionaire and just do her talk show. But I was sort of, I think their fear was

that I was going to be too much of a wiseass. You know what I mean? And I think in retrospect, I probably... That's what that show needs. That's what Regis Feldman gave it back in the day. You know, I think I probably played it too conservative. I was a little too close to the vest about it and

a little too tame. I could have had a lot more fun with it. And yeah, it's a great opportunity. Yeah, Meredith Vieira is a fucking fool. That show needs some comedy to it. It's super high stakes, so when they get to those tense moments and the music goes, dun dun, you need a little, you need like

a dick joke snuck in there somewhere. You need to get it up high, high and tense, and then punchline it. Just let the whole audience decompress and laugh and we all get over it and then see you after the commercial break and now we build the tension again. Dick jokes are my specialty, dude. When we got a double entendre into wipeout it was like ah it was just the greatest feeling every time we snuck a dick joke into wipeout it was like an angel got his wings for me i mean it was it was like so satisfying every time we were able to get in a dirty joke and it was hard because they were really keeping an eye on us we used to call that show the uh the dirtiest family show on tv playing with the idea of all the mud and stuff but it was we we were constantly trying to uh my my prototype for that was like uh

you know i grew up in the era of like bugs bunny and stuff and when you were a kid and you were watching bugs bunny there would always be like a joke that you didn't get that your parents would laugh at yeah and so we were trying hard uh whenever we had the opportunity to play to two different audiences we were trying to play to kids and then every once in a while fire fastballs over the heads of the kids. The Pixar model. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Do something like inside jokes for the grownups.

And like here's we did one with a guy. This is a pretty good. So I forgot about this. So there was a guy like a grown a grown man who's, you know, every person would do an interview, and then based on the pre-interview, we would give you, like, a moniker, or, you know, a nickname, and then that would become the hanger that we put all of the jokes on. So, you know, Kyle would be the gun nut, and, you know, Woody would be the lunger longer you know what i mean we'd be talking we'd be making tombstone jokes about it uh but like and so every joke relates back to your nickname your brand as

we called it and we had this guy whose brand was the justin bieber fan and um and so uh uh he was like a grown man that was way too into Justin Bieber. And at one point, they come back to us on camera, and you hear an ice cream truck in the background. And I just go, ice cream! And I turn around and run off camera. And then, like, John Anderson continues talking. And a few seconds later, I come back in like this. And he goes, what's the matter?

And I go, I thought it was the ice cream truck, but it was the ringtone on the Justin Bieber's fan cell phone. And he goes, yeah. And I go, yeah. He said he had a bomb pop, but he didn't. He was like, whoa. but he didn't and it was like whoa

and so my wife and I went out to dinner for sushi at this restaurant in Hollywood and we're sitting down and the waiter comes over to me and goes are you the guy from Wipeout and I go yeah why and he goes I'm the Justin Bieber fan

I was like, okay. I got kicked out of the Scouts. I've been a den leader since 69. I was a little worried about leaving that dude alone with my wasabi. You know what I mean? I don't want anybody putting any extra sauce on my sushi. No, the way your life goes, it'd be more like, oh, that was a hilarious ringtone

joke. I'd like you to come here the next week and eat for free. Every meal. And my cousin has a great timeshare. You know? I've been very, very lucky, man. I've had a good string lately.

And hopefully my luck continues, dude, because I wandered into a whole bunch of, like a year or two of free vacation. That's awesome. Are you more excited now to be back to stand up? You said that it was like kind of stale when you went over

to TV and then it kind of switched, but what have you noticed? You know what I mean? I was just kind of, like, I think for me it's like, if I'm honest, when I was starting out my career as a stand-up, and I did like seven, eight years of stand-up before I got talk soup, I was a better performer than I was a writer. I was held back by my ability to generate material.

There are some guys that are super prolific, but maybe they're not necessarily the best on stage. They're great writers, but they're not great performers. I was somebody who I think was stronger as a performer than I was as a writer. as a performer than I was as a writer. And when I started working in television, I think it developed my ability to write because when you're writing for TV, you know, it forces you to be prolific. You have a hard deadline.

You don't get to choose what subjects you're writing about. And, you know, you're just generating volumes of material all the time so the years that i was away from stand-up i was still writing comedy in fact i was probably writing many like exponentially more comedy than i had been generating as a as a comic and it's you, joke writing is, it's just like flexing a muscle. The more you do it, you know, the easier it gets. You start to learn your voice, you learn your style.

And, you know, there are just like archetypal structures of jokes. I mean, some of it is literally like, you know, it's kind of geometric. Like you just learn how to structure a joke. And so I think when I went back to stand-up, it was, stand-up was a lot more fun and maybe a little easier for me than when I had been a comic in my 20s because as a man in my 40s, I know who I am am now i know what my voice is and i know how to write

for that in a way that i didn't in my 20s so it was going back it was probably like oh man this is even more fun you know than it was when i first started and and that's you know that's why i love doing it so much like i'm doing this gig at Mohegan Sun next week. I'll be there at a club called Comics, C-O-M-I-X, at Mohegan Sun, the 16th, 17th, and 18th of March. And I grew up in Connecticut. And so I think I'm probably going to see a lot of people from my high school and a lot of people I grew up with. And like, you know, it'll it'll be, you know, it's going to be a bit of a homecoming for me because a lot of those people I haven't seen in like 30 years. And, you know, I'm excited to go back. I love going on the road now.

I don't get to do it too much because I have two small kids and I, you know, I hate to be on the road and away from them. because I have two small kids and I hate to be on the road and away from them. And then I've got a bunch of other things that I'm working on here in L.A. that require me to be here. Are those like two groups of kind of fans? I guess you'd say you have like the wipeout kind of TV fans. Get rid of talk soup because that's more like your stand-up style. Are those Venn diagrams that don't touch, like the people who wipe out and the ones who are like your stand-up style are those are those venn diagrams that don't touch like the people who like wipe out and the ones like your stand-up yeah it's yeah yeah and look if you are if you're a

wipeout fan and you're coming to see me do stand-up do not expect the wipeout guy on stage because that ain't what i do in a comedy club you know i'm not doing puns and wordplay and stuff like that it was so it was so weird the first time i i my my only exposure to bob saget had been full house and america's funniest home videos and then i watched um there's a maybe it's a netflix special but it's definitely like this little comedy special about the aristocrats joke oh yeah and they have like lots of different comedians tell their version of the aristocrats. And when I heard Bob Saget, I'm like, oh my god, that's Bob Saget? And then I start

like, I'm like, I have to relearn who Bob Saget is. And I start doing my research, and it's just like, he's such a filthy comic. And then I started thinking, like, was that soul-crushing for him? And then I started doing research, and like, yeah, yeah, it was. Yeah, I hated it. And you know what? He made, like, $20 million. You know what he made like 20 million dollars yeah

you know what i mean so it's like you got that soul crushing well but but you know it is um it's interesting because i've had um as a result of what i've done you know there's people that know me from talk soup right and that is a very specific audience. It's a specific age range, and they have very fond memories of TalkSoup. Then people know me from, like, you know, my wife and I played the parents of the lead character on a Disney series called Austin and Allie. You know, I can't walk through a middle school without people being like,

oh, my God, it's Mike Moon, the mattress king of Miami. You know what I mean? And then there's, like, you know, Wipeout was for seven consecutive years, it was the number one, what they called co-viewing show. It was parents watching with children. It actually overtook America's Funniest Home Videos for the years that it was on as the number one co-viewing show, parents and kids, watching as a family, you know? And so that's a very specific audience.

And then, you know, because I took so long off of stand-up, I really kind of shot myself in the foot because guys like Joe Rogan, who never quit and always toured, they built up this groundswell audience. They could sell out rooms wherever they go and they make a ton of money when they go on the road i'm sort of just building my audience now and a lot of those people know me from tv and they're not sure what to expect so it's a bit you know it's a bit disjointed i'm trying to kind of like bring it all together and i'm not like i'm just sort of uh i need to like commit more to social media. I don't have tons of followers. I need to make a more concerted effort to have a digital footprint

and to start that kind of direct marketing mailing list that Twitter really becomes to help you when you're going market to market to market. So yeah, I've had really great experiences and i've been very fortunate fortunate in like very different ways that don't really relate to each other you know what i mean you mentioned joe rogan have you seen what a king maker he's become lately like it seems like all he needs to do is mention like Brennan Schwab and Brian Callahan's podcast or Joey Diaz or whatever. Everyone in the Joe Rogan circle has become a millionaire.

You know, I'll tell you a true story. And I don't even think Rogan would even know this or give it a second thought. The reason I am back at stand-up right now is because of Greg Fitzsimmons and Joe Rogan. Greg Fitzsimmons was the guy that told me, he was like, dude, why don't you go back? You can, you know, you can, it'd be fun for you. You're, you know, you're a good writer.

Go back. And he like, he kind of challenged me to do it, right? So I started doing it, but it was do, I was doing it like in town, just sort of like wanting to prove to myself that I could do it, you know, and like coming out of retirement, you know, I don't want to embarrass myself, you know? And, and then I did a benefit for a friend of mine that had had some, uh, health challenges and I, I organized a benefit and it was like me and, uh and Arsenio Hall and Joe Rogan and like Nick Swartz and it was a killer

lineup and Rogan saw my set and he goes dude you know you're killing and I go yeah you know but I don't go on the road that much and he gave me this like Tony Robbins motivational pep talk literally

standing by the men's room at the Laugh Factory. And he goes, you fucking, you put yourself, he goes, you put together a tasty hour, you shoot a Netflix special, you build yourself an audience, you tour, you become independent of the television industry. It's great work if you can get it, but you can't count on it. You become your own boss, you make your own money. And I literally, like, 10 minutes of talking to him i'm like you're fucking right

i will you glorious son of a bitch i'll follow you straight into hell so uh he really like gave me uh you know he kind of lit a fire under me and that was like about a year ago and i you know in the back of my head i i'm working towards like i want to showcase for a special you know maybe like at the end of this year i'm all i want to spend a little more time on the road and see if i can uh put out a special and and and and you know start to sort of weave some of those audiences from talk soup and wipe out and stand up into you know austin and alley i i i i wanted to learn like as soon as you mentioned it i was like let me learn a bit about austin and ally see if there's anything funny there

sure enough there's all this erotic fan fiction that these creepy guys write are you serious yeah yeah yeah i think and i don't i didn't want to like get into it too much because it's all about like the the middle school aged uh people having sex with each other or maybe like I don't want to delve too deep into it. I'm sure there's some erotic fan fiction with you doing some unsavory things as well. If there's something funny link it to me. It auto completed

to like Allie and Austin I typed Allie and Austin fan fiction and auto completed to like rated M and I was like what? Okay. My wife is a comedian and an actress and uh she came out of Chicago improv right she my wife was like a veteran of Chicago improv she was Seth Meyers comedy partner for like four years they toured the world together

doing like a two-person uh show together and uh and she booked that part as austin moon's mother and then they found out we were married and they were like do you think your husband would play your husband and i was like yeah why not you know so we got to work together for four years on that show which was a lot of fun man that was great do Do you see yourself totally back to stand-up for the rest of your career now? Or if someone three years from now is like, hey, we've got a children's hopscotch on TBS. We need a commentator.

Look, a game show is the easiest money that you can get, right? Other than voiceovers, which is just blatantly stealing money. But, like, you know, I would host another game show, certainly. I mean, you know, when Wipeout ended, my wife and I went out to dinner, right? And I was, like, going,

you know, maybe I'll write a screenplay, you know? Maybe that would be fun. And my wife got, like, real quiet. She was eating. She was like, and I go, what? And she goes, what the fuck is wrong with you? Just fucking host television shows. That's what you're good at.

That's what everyone wants you to do. They pay you great money. You're good at it. Just fucking do what they want you to do. Why do you have to do the one thing that nobody fucking wants you to do? do you have to do the one thing that nobody fucking wants you to do she's great like i start laughing i go you're right thank you i love you you're a good woman thank you for marrying me um but you know the truth is dude i got i got a bunch of uh uh diverse

interests and and i've had the opportunity to do some producing outside of the stuff that I do on camera. And right now I have a true crime project, a one-hour cable drama with Steven Soderbergh and Michael Schamberg and Stacey Sher, the people that did Pulp Fiction and Aaron Brockovich Michael Schamberg and Stacey Cher, the people that did Pulp Fiction and Aaron Brockovich and, you know, contagion, like, you know, unbelievable people that I sold a story to years ago. I met a guy that spent 27 years undercover in the FBI and led as many as five or six different identities simultaneously, speaking different languages, portraying different nationalities. Extraordinary story. And literally just knowing him socially, I was like, we have to sell your story. And he ended up getting a book deal, became a New York Times bestseller called Making Jack Falcone. It was a feature story on 60 Minutes.

We're going to be pitching that coming up in a couple of weeks, taking that out to try to sell as a one-hour cable drama. We got Pedro Pascal. Maybe Netflix will buy it. We're actually going to be talking to Netflix. We got Pedro Pascal.

That's a good destination for that sort of content. He was Prince Oberyn in Game of Thrones. Yeah, yeah. That's a good destination for that sort of content. He was Prince Oberyn in Game of Thrones. Yeah, yeah. Briefing. Yeah, he's also in Narcos. He's a phenomenal actor. Yeah, that was a good movie. Narcos was an excellent movie.

I love that. They're making a show. The show, yeah. Narcos on Netflix. So he just signed on to it. We've got this director, Tricia Brock, from Mr. Robot and Breaking Bad. It's really exciting. So if I could move into executive producing a true crime one-hour cable drama, that would be badass.

But, dude, I'm not going to lie to you. When I go to meetings and I sit down with people you can see the look like you know with like people file into the room they're like um what's the talk soup guy doing here like you know what i mean everybody looks a little confused i'm just waiting for some dude to look at me and be like you know hand me his coffee cup and go black two sugars you know nobody knows what i'm doing there why do you like executive producing like that doesn't sound like the most fun job. I think for me, there's,

there's a couple of projects that I'm working on right now. Two, two of them are, are true crime based. And it's just a, it's just a passion of mine. And, and,

and these are true stories that I just came into contact with in my life that I felt so passionately about. This is the way I looked at it. When I met the guy behind making Jack Falcone, I was like, we need to make this so that I can watch it. Because it's the kind of story that I want to see on the screen. And so it was just a passion project, you know, and I, you know, I wrote it up and, you know, through back channels,

was able to get it to Soderbergh. And it is the most unbelievable story that I've ever come across in my life. I've literally never told anyone, you know, this story and had any other reaction than, holy shit, that has to get made, you know, because it's just, this dude was a chameleon, you know, like he would be at dinner, you know, with a capo in the Gambino family,

and they, you know, he's a Cuban national, and they think he's a Sicilian Italian, you know, and he's in the mafia, and then his cell phone would ring, and he would get up and excuse himself. My wife's calling me and walk away from the table and answer in fluent Spanish because the people calling him gnome

is a Colombian drug runner runner you know what i mean and and it was like that kind of crazy cat and mouse game exhausting well at least if those are the two identities then like you know if the mafiosos hear like a colombian guy he can be like it's my coke guy and they'll be like oh can we get in on that it'd be all straight but if he's like also pretending to be like a mormon minister or something. It's not going to fly when they start hearing about kilos or something. Imagine how hard that would be if someone told you, all right, Kyle, from 9 a.m. to 11 a.m. today, you're Kyle. You'll respond only to Kyle.

From 11 a.m. to 2, you're going to be Alan. After that, you're going to be Steve. You'd fuck up plenty of times. You'd respond to Alan when you were supposed to respond to Steve, and you'd talk in your little accent or whatever you weren't supposed to do. You just used different ringtones. Dude, this guy had five. You want to strike in your act?

You know what would happen? I would fuck it up on his behalf. I'd tell everyone Alan was Steve. I'd ruin it. I'd be the weak link. I'm sorry. He was amazing. He had like five different cell phones.

He worked in terrorism. He worked in murder for hire. He worked in the Latino drug culture. He worked in Italian organized crime. He worked with an Asian crime syndicate that had counterfeit super note $100 bills that not even the U.S. Treasury could identify as counterfeit. And then they also offered him military armaments. He was, as an undercover, he was presented a catalog and given the opportunity to buy rocket launchers and surface-to-air missiles and like you know i mean it like it what this guy lived through uh in his 26 years undercover uh he's the most celebrated undercover agent in the history of the fbi he was uh proposed for membership to become a made man he went uh

deeper into the mafia than Donnie Brasco, but he did it with a bigger family. He did it with one of the five families in New York. He did it with the Gambinos, and he did it after Donnie Brasco when the mafia was even more paranoid. And he did it while he was simultaneously leading different lives.

I mean, it's sort of like a real-life Jason Bourne almost in that he just was like a... With a little bit of Catch Me If You Can mixed in because of the multiple identities. He was a bit of a savant. He was the kind of guy... He had five different cars in his driveway, five different wardrobes.

What does this guy look like? Because I think most people are probably picturing a Jason Bourne-looking guy, like a 30-something. He looked like he should be running a lunch truck in Queens. That's how he's supposed to look. Big, big dude. One of the interesting things that he told me when we started working together, he was like, he goes, you've got to know what you can pull off.

Now, he was a college football player. He was a lineman. He was a, he goes, you got to know what you can pull off right now. He was a college football player. He was a lineman. He was a big guy. By the time he started doing undercover work, he was probably 275, 300 pounds. Right. And and, you know, he goes, if I go undercover, I can't be the guy going to cop a dime bag on the street. I don't look like a junkie. I got to be a kingpin.

I got to be the muscle. I got to be the big guy. You know what I mean? And then you're talking about different cultures. Like in the Latino drug world, there's a lot of machismo. It's a lot about who's got the biggest balls who's the alpha male you know what i mean but in the italian organized crime world it's a lot about the hierarchy you speak when spoken to you show certain people respect i mean this dude was it it's like playing texas hold'em with your

life every single day and just being like i I'm all in. Every single time he left his house, if he made a single mistake, his life was on the line. And to do that for two and a half decades and literally retire undefeated, it's legendary. It's legendary within the Bureau. That's really impressive. Sounds like an awesome story. I look forward to seeing that get made now. That'll be fun. It's got to be made.

Me too, dude. Me too. Look, a knock on wood. We're getting ready to take it out and pitch it, but it is hard to imagine that not... Look, originally we were going to do it when I sold it 10 years ago to Soderbergh. We were going to do it as a film, right? We attached Benicio Del Toro, and we were going to do it when I sold it 10 years ago to Soderbergh we're going to do it as a film right we we we attach Benicio del Toro and we are going to make it as a film

and the challenge was always how do you tell a story this complex in two hours how do you explain all these different identities you you end up not being able to get so many amazing moments into two hours that it was a challenge because the subject matter was so dense. It'd be like trying to make Game of Thrones into a movie. Exactly. Exactly. You lose so much. And we started, we sold it like like 2008 right when the market crashed and it really changed film financing and all of a sudden you know studios wanted they wanted they wanted something

that's going to become a trilogy they want something that's going to become sequels they want you know superhero yeah they exactly they want comic book movies. They want billion-dollar blockbusters. And Benicio Del Toro, Academy Award-winning actor, he's amazing and completely transformative. But he's not Tom Cruise, right? He's not going to – people aren't rushing out to see the new Benicio Del Toro vehicle. He's a director magnet. He's a director magnet. He's an actor magnet. He's an incredibly talented man.

But he's not Will Smith in terms of his global appeal. He doesn't have the same name recognition as some of the others. So it was when we were trying to get film financing, it was always a challenge. And it's like you're building a card house. You get a director. You get Benicio. You get the secondary role cast and then before you can get the third role cast you lose your director because it's been too long and you know you're just constantly trying to build this jenga of a package for film financing and finally after like six or seven

years i go look i think maybe what we need to do, and believe me, dude, I am the junior man on this project, but I felt very passionately about it. I was like, I feel like the best thing for this project is to turn it into a one-hour cable drama where our greatest problem becomes our greatest strength, which is the depth of story. And now instead of trying to tell this over two hours, we're telling it over five or six seasons. And you get to really take it out and let it breathe

and really air out these moments and get in these really rich details and stories that we just couldn't get into a film. And fortunately, it was something that, you know, Soderbergh agreed with. It was right when he had just done Behind the Candelabra, and he was coming out with The Nick on Cinemax with Clive Owen. And sort of at the time, he was like, I agree with you. I think one-hour cable drama is the only growth area of the industry.

So, you know, it's like turning around the Queen Mary. I mean, now you've got a film script that needs to be, you know, a two-hour film that needs to be charted into five different seasons worth of story. And then a pilot needs to be written. Everybody's deals needs to be reworked. And you've got to get a – I mean, it just took forever. You see in this like a level of... Because I'm sure that throughout this story there's a lot of brutal mob things where a guy gets his hand broke or fingers chopped off.

Lots of things. We know the stories. Are you seeing this a level of intensity like Breaking Bad or more like... And I heard you mention The Nick because that is a show that when I started watching, I was not prepared for the intensity of that show. Or more like The Nick, which is a surgical show where you just watch Clive Owen murder people at some points.

I mean, I think I think tonally, I think this is probably a little bit lighter than like Ray Donovan. I think it probably is. There's a room for a lot of comedy without. room for a lot of comedy without look what I think Breaking Bad did really well is that you you were able to laugh and it made it there were a lot there was a lot of levity in it and a lot of lighter moments without the expense of the edge of your seat kind of suspense and anxiety and fear and intensity of those more heart pounding moments. And I think this is the kind of show that obviously, you know, when you're talking about the Latin drug world, you're talking about the Italian mafia, there's going to be a lot of machismo, there's going to be a lot of violence.

But you're also talking about a guy, like a comedy of errors. A guy who's literally just spinning plates in the circus. You know what I mean? He's just trying to do so many things at the same time that you have a lot of room to sort of take the air out of some of those moments

and laugh at it. So I think it's I mean, you know, I have a lot, I have an ironclad belief in the story because I know it so well, and I'm pretty convinced that if we can get it to the air, it's going to be the kind of thing that really catches fire, that, you know, people just go,

oh my God, this is amazing. And the best part is, it's fucking true. I mean, you know, when you have a story like, that's that captivating, and you have the ability to go, this is a true story. Holy shit, man. And that to me is always more impressive. Is the actual guy going to be heavily involved? He'll be a consultant, obviously.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, and, you know, he's a great guy. I mean, look, the guy put his life on the line every day for 27 years to protect innocent people. And, you know. There had to be, like, department picnics, though, right? Like, not every day, right? Like, there was a few decompressive days, right, where we got hot dogs and ice cream. Well, that's very fair, Kyle, because if he was pissed off with the Italians and the Hispanics the whole time, he would not have been a good agent.

So there had to be lots of good times where he was going over and having big meals with the Italians and the whole time being like, oh, man, I hope I don't respond to Alan right now. I'd be so fucked. Yeah, you always hear about the tension and the tense moments of proving you are the guy that you say you are, like in Reservoir Dogs when he's telling the bathroom story. And they're like, nothing you can do but shit your pants and you know all that all that crap but i'm sure there's plenty of like i'm balling out with the fucking organized crime syndicate of this city and we're getting all the women and cocaine and like the best seat to the nightclub and the best bottle service and the car will be waiting and the boy will fucking jerk the door open when he sees me coming and like there's got to be some of that too and i like that in those stories but

that's my favorite part of those stories you know he told me he told me a story that uh i'll never forget like a moment that i just thought was really um explained everything that made this guy such a savant at his job he said after every deal i would propose a toast and he said uh and uh my hand never shook and theirs did and i'm the guy wearing a wire i'm the guy that gets killed if i'm found out you know a dude just had ice in his veins and there are certain people that are literally just the undisputed best ever at what they do whether it's you know if he had this quality you know from the big moments or this guy like it's you know he just built for it see see like if he'd been born like 50 000 years ago he'd be the guy who walks right up big and bad to the cobra and picks it up like what are you all afraid and he's just dead he's just dead like in the ancient world that

that that no no no no what he would have done is he would have convinced the cobras that he was one of them over time and then slowly turned turned the screw down on all of Cobra society. Make it safer for humans. I feel like it's an evolutionary taken out of most of us. Fear is a good thing. There's a reason we all have fear. All of us, for the most part. When you hear about someone who's just fearless

or has that aspect of being able to keep their hands steady like that. I'm not afraid of snakes. Well, then your ancestors were fucking stupid. Yeah, yeah. You should be. You should be. I'm not afraid of creepy-looking, colorful insects. Well, there's a reason that... Why are you lying to me?

Because you still have that part of your human brain that goes, ah, a red bug! Because you know that at some point one of your ants got bit 50,000 years ago and went, ah, that was annoying, and then was dead half an hour later. And then all the humans knew, look out for that thing.

I just heard somebody talking about this, that they did a test with baby chicks, and they had different birds fly over baby chicks, and they didn't respond. But then when they flew a hawk, some sort of raptor, you know what I mean? A hawk or something over the baby chicks. They went nuts because they had some wiring in their DNA from previous generations that recognized the impending danger of that bird versus this bird you know what i mean flags start going off when they see a fucking raptor above them and there's there's like you know there's you get the same feeling about people i mean sometimes you're in a situation and you just get a chill and you just realize i got a bad feeling about this situation. I got a bad feeling about this guy. And you know,

what I find so interesting is this guy was literally conning those people. Like he was going into situations where he's surrounded by the people who engender that kind of fight or flight, I got a creepy vibe from this person. And he was winning them over. And I think a lot of it, you know, based on what he was saying, a lot of it is like the ability to profile people and understand how to get in with them, how to become accepted or feared or whatever your goal is, how to manipulate them. And it's, you know, it's sort of an instinctive thing. I mean, he just it's, you know, it's, you know, it's something that, like, I don't think it's something anyone could learn. You just either know how to do that shit or you don't. Most people couldn't even fool one group of people that long because you just slip up.

I can't even lie to my wife, dude. Yeah, or be like, hey, why you suddenly start to talking like a Mexican? Or like, they're like, oh, fuck, this is, you know, this is, you know, Diego Day. You have to start admitting to multiple personality disorder and explain to them that Carlos comes out sometimes. And hey, he'll get you some good coke but don't worry carlos won't rat you out he's just one of my personalities like here that's the scariest part about thinking if you're in that situation and you fuck up for him it's not like they could say like uh you know see you later diego you're fired oh i'm sorry i'm actually jose

oh shit they're gonna be like oh that was weird of him. Let him go home. Like, it's no. It's like you're done. Like, one strike and you're out from either side. Like, if you accidentally say, like, man, I really miss my dog back home in Maryland. And they're like, you've never been to Maryland. Uh, fuck. Oh, I guess his parents are from Maryland now. All right, tie him up.

Let's go see what's in Maryland, shall we? Like, that kind of shit. That is the level of, like, when he went undercover with the gambinos he knew where the headstones were for the people that he had picked out to be his parents if anybody put a gun to his head he could take you to the cemetery and show you these are my parents and and and you know he talks about like the the amount of thinking on your feet right and and improvising he talked about going to a diner he was going to buy a bunch of coke from um uh from some gangbangers right and and he got you know he goes to the diner he's supposed to meet two guys he gets to the diner and when they show up they're four guys and they go uh uh we you know

we our buddies in the car with it right and so he goes out and now there's two more guys in the car so now there's six of them and one of him, and he was only anticipating two guys. And they go, yeah, we didn't bring it. It's right around the corner at this house. We got in a safe house. Let's go there. And he just had that, like, I'm going to get killed. Like, if I get in this car, I'm going to get killed.

Yeah. But he also didn't want to give up his identity. Right. So he goes, oh, all right. Well, I got to I got to call the like he was portraying a Cuban. Right. And he goes, I got to call my Madrina, which is a Santorin priestess. I got to call my madrina, which is a Santorian priestess, right? Because a lot of these Colombian guys or, excuse me, Latino guys, some cultures practice Santoria, which is sort of a mystical sort of voodoo-y religion, right? Right. And these guys would go to their madrina and clear a certain location or a certain crime. I'm supposed to go to this place. Am I going to be OK? And they would like sacrifice a chicken and, you know, burn incense. And they would have this like little voodoo ritual and she would bless the event.

So he goes, yeah yeah i just gotta call my madrina and clear the new location with her and that they were like okay like that they respected that didn't set off alarm bells i gotta call my witch doctor and see if they approved the 7-Eleven around the corner. Goes into the phone booth, calls the FBI, and is like, they want to move the meat, and all of a sudden, you know, a van rolls up and a bunch of agents jump out and they bust everyone, and they open up the trunk, and sure enough, duct tape, guns, and the guy is copped to it. They're like, yeah yeah we're gonna kill him and take his money you know i mean like you know that that kind of like just having to think

on your feet sense the situation i get a bad there's a zero percent chance i would have been able to they'd be like hey come around the corner you know i'll give it to you there I'd be like I guess my fake Italian boss told me I had to get these drugs I don't want my life upset like a girl and run away you know like no I'm gonna wait in the diner yeah but no I would not know to summon a witch doctor I think it's gonna be I look hopefully it gets made and you guys get to watch it but it's it's a story that I just can't get enough about. It sounds like an awesome story. I want to see it.

Well, guys, I've got to go feed my kids, man. It's almost 6.30 here in L.A. I've got to go feed the critters, but this has been awesome, man. We really enjoyed having you. You've got some tour dates coming up, right? Yeah, I'm going to be at Mohegan Sun. I'll be at Comics at Mohegan Sun Casino in Elkisville,

Connecticut, March 16th, 17th, and 18th. And I'll be at Denver Comedy Works June 8th, 9th, and 10th. Awesome. Alright. Thank you so much.

I really enjoyed having you. You got it, guys. I'll talk to you soon. See ya. Alright, I'm going to you soon. See you. See you. All right. I'm going to slip in another ad read here, and then we can transition. I really enjoyed our guest. He was a lot of fun, huh? In all sincerity, I hope that show gets made.

That sounds awesome. Yeah, yeah. I like the undercover mafia stuff. Yeah, me too. This episode of Painkiller Ready is being sponsored by our friends over at Squarespace. Whether you need a domain, website, or online store, make your next move with Squarespace. With easy-to-use tools, you can create beautiful websites with Squarespace all in one platform. There's nothing to install, patch, or upgrade ever. And you can create a beautiful website or online store with an award-winning template.

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on all of that shit right like i i like i always like hearing that the guy who's making the silly voices and being goofy and shows like uh in the in the shows you know they're adults that they're not like some sort of fake individual that's not a real human being it's it's funny that he's like trying to sneak the dick jokes and stuff yeah he was great um i don't know what do you say he was a great guest i haven't had a lot to say tonight. I feel bad. I felt like the first half we were saving you. Now is when we need you. That's the way I was looking at it.

We're saving Woody for the second half. Whenever Taylor comes back, we'll talk about some paranormal stuff. I think maybe that had something to do with your illness. That's your theory? All right, we'll wait for Taylor to come back.

And I want to talk about the Nike hijabs that they put out there. You know what we could talk about while he's gone? I have a topic. So apparently the U.S. Marine Corps has a Facebook group. It's hidden. I tried to find it. Facebook groups are something I'm good at now because that's where all the paramotor people meet. And I could not find this Marine Facebook group.

Or if I could, I didn't have good stuff. They're posting nudes. They're pretty much getting their female Marine counterparts to have sex with them or pose or whatever. And then sharing these pictures for everyone who's not getting laid to fap too. And, uh, I,

I put on my detective hat and I, I started like looking around for all these naked female Marines, you know, cause it's for science for the show. And, uh, yeah, if you search for naked Marines,

there's a lot of Marine cock. And, you know, Google didn't come up with much at all. So, of course, I went to Bing, you know, where the nudes are found. And lots of naked dudes. Lots and lots of naked dudes. A few women in there. But I don't think I found this jackpot. But I should share the story. I read the CNN article about the female Marine who can't leave her house now.

Yeah. Is this about it? Yeah. be this is the la times but um yeah i don't i thought it was an interesting interesting thing to talk about and what's funny is like so i'm not that well versed in like marine law or anything like that but the ncis is after them now and uh apparently they're opening hundreds of lawsuits or whatever and the nci the mar are just like, come at me, NCIS. You can't find me. You don't know anything. They're totally banking on the incompetence of whatever the NCIS is. It sounds like the Marine Police Force.

And, yeah, I don't know. I thought it was an interesting story. Yeah, I don't like that at all. That's not cool. I like the girls who like to take naked pictures of themselves and put them up for us to see because they're into that. Right. This is the antithesis of that. I don't care for it one bit. Because, you know, it's messing up this girl's life. That's not cool.

You know, she was being the kind of girl that we all hope to meet. We should encourage, right? And she was punished for that. And even delving into looking for those pictures, I feel if I were to do such a thing, would justify such actions. And I shan't do it. I shan't. It's a sacrifice I made for the show.

I'll let Kyle do it for me. Yeah, I'm going to let Woody sacrifice his morals on behalf of me. It's a service I offer, it would seem. And then if you look, it's only like half as bad because someone else found it it turns out i really don't but when you finally find a naked woman who happens to be in the marine corps she is very much like the other trillions of naked women on the internet it's it's uh nothing that you they're just regular people yeah yeah yeah

you almost need like a beret or something so you're like, ooh, that is military-ish. Most of the pictures, they're like in semi-dress and they're like halfway out of their uniform or something, I notice, which seems like a foolish thing to do. To me, like the barracks, they're obviously – I feel like, oh, if I was in the Marine Corps, I would identify all this U.S. issue shit around the room. They've got the tits hanging out, and it says, like, Trooper 656-124-7892. It's like, all right, we know which Trooper's tits those are, just because you brought your face out of the camera. I feel like a girl could take a picture in the Duke dorms, and there's 50,000 people who can instantly identify, like, oh, yeah, that is the Duke dorms. That's, 000 people who can instantly identify like oh yeah that is the duke dorms that's you know this or that it's because there's like a bunch of weird like geometry people out there you know have you ever seen those posts on 4chan where people will say like hey look at my

uh gains or whatever and i have seen one recently stats i'm 5 10 i weigh 160 i do this that and the other and someone will post just being an asshole and be like, you said you were 5'10". I triangulated the doorknob. Given standard American doorknob height, since you said you're from America, you're no more than 5'3". And then it's like a fight of people doing that. And it's like, god damn. The guy would post his

work with like, he had a protractor basically. Yeah, it was amazing. It was so well done. Imagine if you could weaponize that autism in a different direction if you had that guy flying drones the war in the middle east would have ended years ago because he would have stayed after the guys you want flying drones are uh are the video gamers like i don't think so i think they might do that right didn't socrates crush at that we don't need the video gamers because it might do that, right? Didn't Socrates crush at that?

We don't need the video gamers because it's not like a video game. It's more like an RTS or something. More like a real, you're like, click, click. Yeah, destroy that. That's who you need. You need maybe the RTS guy because I don't think you're like piloting it in and doing maneuvers. You're more like, all right, fly this fucking flight pattern. Oh, you see a thing fucking go into holding pattern b which is like a zigzag circle that it makes that's hard to see or whatever it at x altitude okay release ordinance you know i don't think there's a logical

part of me that thinks you're right but uh a much more jovial part of me wants you to be wrong i want skills pushes the button and he like and like like goes down head first into the batmobile and i want them to be looking at the zombie leaderboards and be like dude here's an xbox controller now we need you to beat isis and and the guy's like you know it's just like oh yeah i've been training for this my whole life like i want drones to literally be like, are you an Xbox or a PS4 guy? Just let me know.

We'll give you the, our drone works off both. You want it to be like this, these old like Sega wheel things where you're driving it around in the sky. Like another reason I don't think it would be good is they also have video games, basically video games. If a drone's a video game, then they also have video games for brain surgery, where

they used to, it was more of a thing where it's like, alright, let's open that skull up, like you're unzipping a handbag, and then over time, they're like, alright, we can do this without ruining the skull and scalp, and so they make little holes, and so it's like almost, like the doctor will be using a controller to control teeny little instruments inside your brain.

And if you were like, alright, you could have Dr. Ben Carson, or you could have Dr. Ben Carson, or you could have Optic Scumpy, Scuffy, whatever his name is. I'm going to be like, give me Dr. Ben Carson. Give me someone who – No, I want you to 360 no-scope that aneurysm. 360 fucking make it happen, Scumpy. Scumpy. Is it Scumpy?

Is that his name? Oh. Yes, I think it is is it scuffy it might be scump i don't know i should know this point being sorry i have an actual doctor do it then optic whoever or or uh phase whatever the fuck like no i oh my god can you imagine the mayhem that would wreak on your brain is that they tried, like, quick ninja diffuse your brain tumor? Oh my god. I've got, like, I've got sunscreen on, and I keep, like, crying from laughing,

and the sunscreen keeps getting in my eyes, and it's burning so goddamn bad. Alright, so I want to talk about Woody's ailment, because it just seems like it's really corresponding with your flights, and I fear that perhaps while at altitude you've been exposed to chemtrails. Maybe you're inhaling some biological

or chemical agents while at altitude. You brought that up as a point. I'm noticing a very similar response to when I was in the Marines and I was personally targeted by camp. Yes.

Perhaps that's classified. Yeah, you've been real fucking sick for a hot second now. It's even sure it hurts my throat. I'm worse than I let off. Not like I could be burned alive and not care

or anything but I'm actually really good at tolerating discomfort you know it could be camping or hiking or whatever like if I need to sleep in a car if I'm sick I I kind of just like mind over matter minor discomfort this shit is really getting me down I didn't sleep last night um I slept two hours this afternoon but i literally was up all night if i like i'm trying to sleep and then like i'm coughing i'm it's not doing well and then the sleep apnea like i'll wake up in like six minutes or something and it's like well fuck you know that didn't work and uh and then this morning like my my mother-in-law had chemo treatment my dog got got badly cut on his leg.

And everyone just had shit to take care of. So it's not like I get to sleep during the day. And I'm really having a hard time. I've been to three doctors so far. And yeah, the most recent one thinks I have some sort of uh antibiotic resistant bacterial infection or something oh that's the worst that's gonna take a while to get over like not to be the the harbinger of doom and gloom but that's sort of like anything respiratory like it's in she thought it'd be two days she thought i'd be better in two days uh we'll see that would mean tomorrow um what did i'm sorry

did they give you antibiotics yeah they did yeah like a new exactly like here the super antibiotics the antibiotics if i don't take them with food i'll vomit apparently and the uh i have this inhaler and can we get the name of them i'm so curious i mean i could make it happen i'd love that downstairs antibiotics the uh the inhaler i take if i don't brush my teeth and eat afterwards, I'll get thrush. If you don't know what thrush is, it's like a mouth yeast infection. You're on steroidal inhalers. I'm on two inhalers.

I don't even know. I'm just doing everything I can. That's your anti-inflammatory. I'm really trying. Shit. I'm not sleeping. I go to the doctor they put this like oxygen sensor thing on my finger and they're all like oh like that that's not good and uh yeah like i'm not having

productive breathing and uh right wow that is something that you never want to hear the doctor you don't want to hear them say you know what your breathing isn't very productive because that's something you need you need all the time you're not getting much done with that are you again yeah apparently i'm breath stacking that's like a problem i have which which means like i'm on the stack completely exhaling exactly i'm not exhaling so then like this then like when i breathe the next time, it's just used air that's not very good. And you're getting less and less pure oxygen. Oh, this is so funny to me. I can still remember being a kid at a birthday party.

And there were balloons everywhere, obviously very young. So there's cake and balloons and all that shit. And the balloons weren't tied up in the air. This was near the end of the party. They were just a bunch of balloons laying around. And the only balloons that had ever been up in the air This is near the end of the party or just a bunch of balloons laying around and the only balloons that had ever been floating We're the kind in those foil, you know that you get it flora. I know where this is headed. Yeah bunch of balloons all over the ground and near the end, you know, one of the adults ripped one of the Mylar balloons and sucked it in and then did the Ilya boys and it was so funny

And so all the kids were going around On the ground and opening them and inhaling it. I remember watching the Ilya boys and it was so funny and so all the kids were going around and opening them and inhaling it I remember watching and I didn't do it I may have maybe I'm blocking it out but now looking back I'm realizing like they were inhaling old man breath. That's how Grandpa blows up the balloons. He's just hacking into them every time. Kyle blew up a balloon and then he gave it to me and said, breathe from this. I'd be grossed out. And I'm sure you would be.

Yeah, because there's a lot of moisture in there too. When you exhale. All right. So if you've ever been in a car, if you've ever been in a car, like, for an extended period of time, with it turned off, like you're hanging out in a car parked somewhere, like, the windows fog up, and that's from the moisture from the air you're exhaling over and over. That's why,

you know, if you're in the desert... And there's something going on. Like, you know, you've had pizza breath, right? So, what is that pizza breath exactly? Is there some sort of digestive leakage into you? Particulates. There is, right? Yeah. They're floating around, a mist pizza breath exactly? Is there some sort of digestive leakage into you? There is. There are pizza, yeah.

They're floating around, a mist of them, and I guess over time they sort of stick to the sides of the balloon and they just be there. But the problem is, they're sitting in the hot sun. So the sun comes down, it makes all that liquid spit that has condensed to the bottom of the balloon

like fucking vaporize again and go back into the air. So yeah, they're totally inhaling some sort of... That's how you get fucking tuberculosis or something right there. If you start coughing up blood, it's starting to worry me. You're sounding real bad over there, man.

You're on a rollercoaster of progress because a couple weeks ago, it was like, oh man, you're sounding rough. And then for the next maybe PKN, PKA, I i was like he's fine like he's he's as good as fine because it's just you you pretty much sounded fine and then now you've taken a very unexpected shamalan twist back down the pit and you're you sound like you're in more pain than ever are you even in pain or is it more just discomfort and restlessness and they're not even restlessness so tired you can't sleep i'm not breathing well i'm exhausted uh i have like shit to do sometimes too right like you know did uh so i just sort of

power through it and it's um it's been a bit of a hardship on me you feel weak oh yeah just have you read mono nucleate no i haven't had mononucleotide. It's like when you have mononucleotide, it's like a super long flu. I had that years and years ago. And it was honestly like a flu you could deal with because I didn't have it super bad. But even then, going to the store and lifting up a bag of groceries or a 30-pack of water or something, it's like this is not that heavy. But when you have it, you're just like, oh, this is like this is there can't be that much water in here is this heavy water our nuclear plants you know our refrigerator broke and uh so it just feels like we've been

shoveling the contents of our refrigerator like the refrigerator broke so we took everything in it and put it in the guest house refrigerator and then it started working again so we took everything in it and put it in the guest house refrigerator. And then it started working again. So we took like half of those things, like the things we're using all the time, put it back in the other refrigerator. And then the refrigerator was getting, like we bought a new one. So we took out this miraculously recovered refrigerator and emptied it so the new one would come in.

So yeah, I had been carrying like 30 pounds of juice and mustard and who knows what back like shuttling it back and forth between houses every day for the last couple of days and of course it's always like 11 30 p.m when we're doing it or something like you're sick and you're the dad and colin and hope are at the age where if you were my dad and you were sick there's a zero percent chance you would have been carrying or moving those groceries at all it would have been us like that that is hoping colin are old enough now that you can conscript to them yeah hope has stepped up fabulously like you know last night uh what did she do she fed colin she got him she had picked out his clothes

put him in the shower she ordered pizza so dinner was just kind of handled she has her own credit card now like everything just fucking done uh today when we had you know come like rush hour traffic not long before pka uh they had to get the dog from the vet because he had stitches and uh you know she whatever there she is driving for the next two and a half hours getting the dog from the vet and she's been great but um uh still just i don't know that must be awesome as a parent to get to that point where one of the kids starts driving and you suddenly realize like wow it sucks that uber was invented now because i just grew my own driver that i can now use for anything all the time like hey uh across, there's a lot of traffic,

and I've been busy flying all day in this wonderful house I provide for our family. And so you go pick up the whatever, Salsa Fresh, that place is that you like. I do like that place. You do it. You come back. I remember you talking about that.

She's been so great. I had to talk with her about it. I'm like, man. So for example, when my wife was pregnant i was great like i was just i don't know like i don't it seemed like i needed to be right so she couldn't tie her own shoes she couldn't pick up things off the ground whatever i was just she was basically handicapped and i stepped up and then i didn't realize this would happen but for like the next 15 years i got credit for that people were just like man like her third trimester came

around and woody was just the perfect husband you know i just like i just needed help like it wasn't that big of a deal three awesome months yeah that's like like an obscure record you broke in a professional league that isn't the most impressive record but no one's ever gonna touch it so it's like you got your own little echelon in history yeah like i i get i don't i don't know i guess compared to the other brother-in-laws or something i was just unquestionably helpful and uh well that might not be true i don't know that's what it feels like so uh um so this is like where hope is because right now we have um my mother-in-law

here and she's sick and hope has just been stepping up and being great hope hope turned out well i feel like it's funny because you're on youtube and you put yourself in a position to be criticized and uh um raising hope like i remember when she was like 13 or something we're kind of tight on her we were just loosening up the reins with things like going to the movies by herself and and whatever and uh uh everybody would just like oh my god you have a protective you're gonna get this you're gonna get that things are gonna go terribly wrong and and now she's at a point where like she's got kind of free reign you know we're treating her almost like she's the college kid she'll be next year

and uh and she got into unc which we're very proud of it's an excellent school and i just want to be like, huh, well, now the score is posted, doubters. You know, like, oh, you guys talking about how we don't know how to raise kids. We're raising some pretty fantastic kids, I think. It was weird to watch, like, when I was going to college, like, my parents were of the mind of, like, he's going to college. There's no point this year or so before for us

to be super strict and be like you can't drink you can't do these things with your friends where it's like if he's gonna do it he's gonna do it you know we can just kind of try and give him guidance it was the parents who locked their kids down basically for that summer before college where you'd be like hey caleb you want to come hang out we're gonna go have a bonfire whatever the fuck no i can't i gotta do pre-college prep and it was like yeah that's fucking high school we just finished it like let's hang out for the summer and those are the kids that went balls to the wall bananas more than anyone it's because they finally get a little bit of freedom and they don't just take it to be like hey this is just

another night drinking with friends you know obviously still go too much because you're in college but they take it to like danger town of like oh you know if weed was a lie then heroin must have been too or or all these things aren't that dangerous but yeah you're doing the right thing and giving her some more leeway so it's not just a collapse of freedom and subsequent implosion which happens so much freshman year because people are like oh my god these classes are so easy in high school they said it would be hard it's's like, yeah, of course. These are the ones you're supposed to get an A on so that three years from now, you can afford a C if you need it.

So many people ruin that for themselves. She's doing well. I have faith she'll be just fine. She really is. Sometimes we thrust the freedom upon her. Here's a car. You need this. I want you to start doing things on your own. Anyway, yeah, so here's a car. You need this. You know, I want you to start, like, doing things on your own.

Anyway, yeah, so she's got a – yeah, she's doing great. She's doing really great. And she's been pulling, for most of high school, a lot of extracurricular activities. She was doing robotics. She was doing the speech thing. And then she was doing – she's ranked, ranked like 32nd in the nation in speech or something it's really high it might be even the teens i fucked it up i think it's 13th and um uh and then she was the lead of the play and the play just ended and speech is like kind

of wrapping up all she has left is nationals and i'm like you know how's school going like it seems like you're like not trying as hard as you were before. And she's like, I'm crushing it. I've got a paper due on Monday of next week, and I finished Wednesday, the week before. She's like, five days. I never had that situation. If I had a paper due on Monday, then that was what you could expect from my Sunday afternoon.

And if that. And she just like, all her work is done. She's way ahead of schedule on everything. She just, without the extracurriculars, just like all her work is done. She's way ahead of schedule on everything. She just without the extracurriculars, just like crushing her time. She has an easy time with high school. That was a great feeling in any level of school where you finished like a paper or a project like three days before it was due. And that feeling was always so good leading up to it because you could like get that visceral panic from all your friends around you who didn't do it Yeah, even with that like dopamine drip of like oh feels so good to be done

It's still like didn't happen ever where it'd be like, okay It was like where you get so much satisfaction from fantasizing and thinking about doing it early that like you'd get that like Masturbatory fantasy out of the way where it'd be like wow Imagine me walking into lunch tomorrow and sitting with all my high school friends and being oh yeah that big project due next month done fanged it out last night no biggie and then like the thinking about having that conversation everybody going wow taylor that's impressive is enough for you to go i can wait i don't know why i didn't do better in high school like it would be that impressed tony robbins maybe like whatever tony robbins talks about this pleasure pain pain principle

pleasure pain principle and uh he's like everyone makes all their decisions based on you know the Tony Robbins. Maybe like whatever. Tony Robbins talks about this pleasure-pain principle. Pleasure-pain principle. And he's like, everyone makes all their decisions based on the pleasure and the pain that they'll receive from it. When you decide to go to the gym or not go to the gym, you're deciding, what do I like more? What's going to make me feel better? Will going to the gym do it or will just laying on the couch watching Netflix do it? Both can be pretty pleasurable. One's a little delayed, whatever.

And why is it I went through high school just fucking flagellating myself? What is it when you whip? Flagellation. Flagellation. Why did I do that to myself all through high school? I felt terrible about me. I nearly killed myself. I literally tried to commit suicide

mostly over the fact that I thought I nearly killed myself. I literally tried to commit suicide, mostly over the fact that I thought I had no future. Yet somehow, I'm making these pleasure-pain decisions to put off this work, to not do this work, to be a poor student, even though it was like wrecking everything about me. And it was hard to dig out of that hole. But somehow, I just... Because people are very very very pressured by instant gratification and it takes a little bit of self that's why like if you tried to explain to a dog through pictures or something like you could have one steak now for the entire cow in half an hour and if somehow you communicated it to the dog as soon as you said ready go it would eat the steak because it doesn't have the capacity for

it and humans it seems aren't that much better at it all the time where it's like you know I really should work out that's a lot of effort though and I probably won't see results in weeks months whatever I'll just you know this box of cheese that's can't make me that much fatter and that's pleasure right now yeah extra toasty pleasure extra toasty please never heard of this video can we oh yeah i was uh i found this on reddit and uh i think it was it i may be wrong i may be misremembering it yeah don't click it yet i'm cute at zero yeah yeah uh but um this was it may have been in a subreddit called JesusChristReddit that's like JesusChristReddit.

You've sunk to this new low. It's worse than what the fuck. This video began its life in the Watch People Die subreddit but someone made it a bit more jovial and added a bit of music to it.

Watch People Die? I can't wait. I'm queued up at zero. I'm ready, I guess. Ready, set, play. Watch this guy die. Watch this child going south and north. That's a well. And that's that!

Hahahaha! Oh man. You know what? Even if you die falling down a well, I wonder who they call to get you back out. Because someone's gotta get you. They just need a rope and a hook, you know? No, that's too insensitive they'd let someone repel the sure yeah i guess i don't know yeah that's uh i don't care

for that like dude there's stuff you know what i had a hard time so i watch um like no no no yes and i love that thing where like you like i don't know a truck hits something it explodes and somehow all the pieces of it manage not to hit the person you know people all skate miraculously out of a fireball or whatever exactly um but there's one call that had to hurt oh my god that is hard to watch i'm unfamiliar uninitiated oh like okay there's two guys and a girl girl puts her leg on like a two foot tall wall you know like maybe one or two cinder blocks and for reasons i can't explain one of the guys just fucking like curb stomps her on the knee and bends it backwards the fuck like like you or just like people doing things wrong like oh i'm gonna um

jump from this roof to this trampoline and then you know he falls to the trampoline and he doesn't get up again he's really hurt you know uh one guy did a trust fall and uh he's like watch i'm gonna do a trust fall right but he's not doing a trust fall like everybody else does where maybe like you stand behind me and promise to catch me no no no i'm going to do it from the top of a garage and it's your job to catch me underneath the catcher didn't seem to take this responsibility very seriously right the guy on the roof was like i've got total faith in this wonderful human the catcher was like a big fat strongish guy it seemed but he wouldn't even get in position to catch him like he didn't really figure out where he was going and when the other guy got

really hurt the catcher did it was just like oh you know because i could feel like yeah i like i really feel like yeah right like yeah you know you win some you lose some did you fucking buddy just fell off a garage onto the floor that uh that had to hurt is a tough one to watch there's not a lot of deaths i i feel like i have an easier time with watching people die there's another one called like fucking watching people die or something like that that's actually none of them are bad fucking die or something like that maybe that if i if i had it right and no it's never people dying it's like dog 16 dogs viciously attack man and then it's like they're all licking his face puppies and they're licking him yeah they're all laughing over there over how ironic is what they're doing yeah they're like the anti trend we flipped it on its head

exactly exactly we're hysterical it's not the same joke over and over, I'm sure. I don't take that bet. Jesus Christ Reddit. That was the right one, Kyle. There's not any pictures on this one. It's a lot of links to posts. That seems like a lot of effort. There's a lot of...

This is a weird website. They don't make original content on Jesus Christ Reddit. They find things on the rest of Reddit that are just like, oh, Jesus Christ Reddit. This is the new low you've sunk to. And then they cross-post it over there. Reddit's crazy. And it's huge.

I love it. It's so huge. it's i love everything about it um i at the the political nonsense the the trolling the shills how apparently rampant paid to post yes i mean i i read this expose on how the Russians are paying for it or whatever. Don't know what's true. And then, of course, the Donald feels like Hillary's got all these shills out there. I guess still going for some reason. And they're always combating them. And I saw...

I didn't talk about this on the show a couple of weeks ago, but I guess some YouTubers, no idea who, are paying to put their videos at the top of our videos. And then it's like, you know how YouTubers pay for shout outs and stuff back in the day? Now they pay for Reddit placement. And it's a really effective way to, like, maybe if you think you've got a winner like suddenly this video instead of your normal 5 000 views gets 500 000 views and it can launch your channel oh yeah you can buy like you can buy and farm reddit for so cheap like comparatively like you can put a banner out there on reddit like you can just go to the bottom and like quick advertise with us and look at what they do and it's like holy shit like i could get an insane amount of exposure for like what do you want to put down

30 70 a day or something for a campaign or whatever you'd want to run like it it would not be hard at all to gain really now that what i'm seeing is they're paying like 1500 and and reddit as a oh to get like prefer non-ad disclosed placement exactly it's organic yeah yeah it is for sure and um i i don't know the details of it but apparently reddit's like anti-manipulation systems are fairly sophisticated so it's not like i can just open up account and vote something up like they have to have like a rich user history to look like a real person so these guys would be like oh we've got like 1500 accounts. We can get you that many upvotes and all these comments in there.

And then that'll set a tone that, you know, kicks this thing off. And yeah, there's a way to like organically grow videos like that. And apparently YouTubers are doing it to launch themselves. And I don't know. I mean, really, there's no reason if you can pay 1500 or whatever and get half a million views on a video or even a quarter of a million views on a video extra like that's that's a great deal it's not profitable right what did that would be about three quarter million views ish right depending on the length of the video pay for

it steph we haven't figured out a way to game the world and just make infinite money. But it may be that sort of steak or cow sort of thing where like we pay a little steak today and we get a cow in a few years. I've never heard that, but that works great. Yeah. If your content's actually good, then like, cause I remember we used to do ads for other YouTubers on PKA. And some guys didn't get a big boost or anything like that. And then there are other guys. Remember Stone Mountain 64 or something like that? Yeah, he did well.

Yeah, he blew up. Well, it's entirely dependent upon what we're directing people to. You know, if two companies advertise this one of them sells shit pies and the other one sells delicious strawberry pies two for a dollar like it's clear who's gonna sell the most pies like it right it has it has very little to do with how good we are at advertising if there's a disparity between the two it has more to do with the quality of those shit pies that you were selling yeah like it's occurred to me. Let's say hypothetically I brought Woody's Lab into fruition. It's like, you know,

it wouldn't be the dumbest idea to get 10, 12 good videos in. Each of them is going to have 700 views. And then manipulate Reddit. And if the product is good, it'll be a good investment. Yeah, and nobody will mind that much. They'll be like, I feel a little

weird about being directed here in this fashion, but goddammit, he's on to something. Yeah, and nobody will mind that much. They'll be like, I feel a little weird about being directed here in this fashion, but goddammit, he's on to something. Yeah, right? Can you believe what he did with that thing? How vague. Intentionally. You just drop like 15, 20 grand and just own the whole video's

front page for like six hours until people are like, who the fuck is this? All these videos are stuck on 713 views. This was uploaded a week ago and unlisted. Yeah. So I know a guy, he didn't manipulate Reddit. This happened for him organically, but he got the same bump that you would if you did manipulate Reddit.

And I was like, wow, yeah, that shows how effective it can be. Reddit can be a kingmaker. I don't go to the videos section that much. But it's a default, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah, so if you're not even logged in, videos are likely to be the thing that you see. I was saying if you go to the video one,

you see not a lot of them, but everyone's... I'm sure there probably are. If I went there more, all those drama videos about YouTubers being upset with one another, it seems like those always find a way on there. And it really makes sense when you think about it, because it doesn't take all of Reddit to be interested in H3 productions to get it up there. You know, you just need a really hyper contingent of 8 000 people 6 000 people whatever to boost it up there and everybody else sees it so you really don't have to be an enormous creator like that and if you get something people care about i guess drama you're gonna naturally game reddit in a way it wouldn't shock me if the drama creators were i'm not accusing anyone in particular

but it's like if you said, you know what? It turns out the drama section of YouTube, not that moral. Oh my God. What was me? You know, like you don't say, you know, that it wouldn't shock me to learn that they do that or they've done that or something like that. Oh, hey, I wanted to mention this.

I meant to mention this i i meant to mention it last week and then i thought i'd messed up but now things have changed so i'm selling my 1080 graphics card because i'm making some upgrades from a 1080 yeah um so if anyone wants to buy that thing i already sold it once but now the guy is having to back out because it's not gonna fit in his pc case um so i So I'm going to relist it probably before you guys hear the show. But I think I made my eBay RSK

baby. Maybe RSK dash baby. No, you didn't. I did. Before it was like defaulting to an email address or something and I was like, well, let's just make it something so that people can find it if they're interested in getting this thing. But I'm only going to list one thing, but it's

that 1080 graphics card. I'm just trying to get rid of it, and I'm upgrading everything. So yeah, if anyone's interested in that, go buy it. We've got some Patreon questions. A lot of good ones. Yeah, I have those here somewhere. I can't change conversations, so I need it in

this one to click it. Yeah, I am getting here somewhere. Yeah, I can't change conversations, so I need it in this one to click it. Yeah, I am getting it to you right now. Whoa, Kyle beat Taylor in copy-paste. You know, just to celebrate this achievement, I clicked on Kyle's. While you pick out some fun questions over there, I'm going to tell everyone a quick word about Blue Apron, where incredible home cooking has never been more attainable. While you pick out some fun questions over there, I'm going to tell everyone a quick word about Blue Apron. All right. Where incredible home cooking has never been more attainable.

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The best way to cook, arguably. Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps. How long would you stand each other if you lived in a three-bedroom apartment man it wouldn't take long for there to be some problems and i'm gonna tell you right off that like like there would be there would be huge like like woody snoring frankly would would be it would be a thing like i would have to get that sorted out nobody wants to live with me i'm imagining like a sixteen,600 a month apartment right now. Right. We're imagining a small, reasonable one in like a downtown in a city.

So not there. Yeah, yeah. Like this is not a palace we're in. These are thin walls. I think the snoring would be a real motherfucker. I'm sorry. Hey, apologize to your family. They're the ones who need that.

I'm hundreds of miles away. You can't hurt me anymore. You can't enjoy a movie over Skype with me around. It was so funny. Chiz and Woody are watching this movie on Skype and Chiz whispers, he's like, yeah, can you imagine?

I really like the cinematography here. Watch this. It's one long uncut shot. I'm like, yeah, can you imagine? I really like the cinematography here. Watch this. It's one long uncut shot. And I'm like, yeah, god damn, this guy is good. This is the guy who's going to win the Oscar this year. And I hear. It's like Woody has fallen asleep in the middle of this movie. Like we just haven't gotten.

Woody's a big fan of open mouth napping. That's a very loud activity. I'm so sorry. On the Skype call when we're simultaneously watching this movie in three different locations, one of us would just go, just hoping that that

would wake Woody up, and he'd go, and then quickly I wanted to question him about what's currently going on in the movie. What do you think about this all developing? Can you believe that his wife is a Russian agent? Just to see if he'd be like, yeah, yeah, my mind's blown. Dude, I don't mean to divert too far from the question.

I want to talk about the sleep apnea for a second. I haven't talked about it much up until now because I was embarrassed. I feel like it's a fat person's problem. I guess people don't like look at me and identify, like, look at what are you so fucking fat? But, um, that's how I talk to myself in the mirror. Right. Right. So, uh, on the other hand though, it's like, it could be better. Right. And, uh, um, so, but like, i've got the sleep apnea of a 400 plus pound man like it's it's hardcore the i've been to sleep specialists lately and they see my results and they're like whoa like you have severe sleep and they go through the things i i think i i woke up something like 47 times an hour.

And they're like, mild is like 10. And then severe starts at 30. And you're at 47. Like, the numbers are way off. My blood oxygen drops to like 70 or 67 or something like that. Like you're scuba diving. Dude, it's real. Like you're climbing a mountain.

That's a very bad number and uh they're like you're not getting restful sleep and they just start listing all the problems that come with not getting the sleep that you should get like weight gain is one of them memory loss is one of them um like not healing quickly is one of i'm just like oh my god i am owning this checklist like i've got all these got all these things. And so I had this study done, and then they're like, you're going to have to be on a CPAP machine. I'm actually getting a more advanced one called a BPAP.

But I was like, nope, fuck that. Those things are stupid. They're gay. I'm going to be sleeping next to my wife with this thing, and I wouldn't fuck me. So I don't even know if I can masturbate. Like, does the one you've got, don't even know if I can masturbate. There's the one you've got,

like correct me if I'm wrong, like does it run all night like a nebulizer machine? Like is there a mini air compressor? I haven't seen it yet. The one at the, so what happens is you take a sleep study and they figure out if you need one or where you are and then they take another one and I'm going to mess up the pronunciation,

but it's like a CPAP titrationration test i don't even know this word and uh basically they've got like a real professional grade unit that can be a c-pap a b-pap and then there's a third one i forget and they can adjust it and it it's it's the one that they can make a thousand changes to to figure out what works for you the zz-pap so, it can replicate all the things that the customer might need. And, uh, it was super quiet. Like, I mean, you would practically have to put your ear on it to hear it. And, um, but I don't know what mine is like, you know, because all I know is like this commercial one that, that they use to help people with.

because all i know is like this commercial one that that they use to help people with so um um people are talking about this stuff being like life-changing like i've got friends of friends and stuff like that who were like oh it fixed everything and i the watch me no actors names after this like that won't happen but but like memory loss and like the healing and and i i i oh i was starting to say so i didn't want this machine because like like again but like memory loss and like the healing. And then I, I, I, oh, I was starting to say, so I didn't want this machine.

Cause like, like again, I wouldn't fuck me. So we went to an ENT specialist and I was like, can we like a surgery done? You know, like just fucking take my uvula and throw it on the floor or like whatever it takes.

And he looked and he's like, you know, like the surgery is successful half the time. And it's usually successful when, like, one person has a particularly weird trait. Like, oh, your tonsils are gigantic. We'll just remove those. And that's clearly the problem. And he's like, there's five or six things that can cause this.

He's like, you have all five or six. They're not all extreme, but, like, you get they're not all extreme but like you've got a little bit of everything so you're not a good candidate for surgery this thing already fails half the time on you it's going to fail i think you said like but you could like take care of one of those things right like you could be like all right these tonsils you know they're pretty large let's get those removed and see where we're at oh now you're only waking up 28 times or something like you could work is that an option or you know i thought of this too and and the the ent was like i'll tell you what if you were my brother

this wouldn't even be a conversation he's like you got to get the c-pad that's the direction that you need to go the b-pap in my case so um i don't know i feel like i could like you know what it is i talked about my testicular torsion injury from when I was 15, a couple of times here and there, uh, throughout my YouTube career. And it's helped a lot of people. Um, you know, it's not fun to talk about. Well, sometimes I have fun. I know Kyle doesn't, but, um, sounds rough. I, I kind of feel like if this thing works out for me and I tell people like, Hey, if you're having these symptoms and this is what's up and I bet there's people listening to this,

who's like significant other wife or whatever, or saying you're snoring is so bad. It's hard to live with you. If that's you, I'll let you know what this thing does for me. Like it might just be a miss or it might be life changing. And you know how they do like fat acceptance, bullshit movements where it's like,

it's fine to be 600 pounds as long as you're arrogant about it. You, you, yeah, you could do it, but actually helpful and be like, you know, you don't, no reason to fear. I look scary, but it's just a machine, you know. No reason to fear the boss. But yeah, that would suck. I might be beating this sickness if I was getting good sleep. I'm sorry, Taylor. You were saying?

Yeah, I am. You got sleep. I'm really suffering. And supposedly next week, I'll start on it. So we'll see what's what. I don't know. Everything's been running so slow, like scheduling wise, that when they told me that I'd have it in a week i was just like yeah

you're probably full of shit as usual but we'll see um well i i hope that all works out well for you yeah so anyway because because you're a real snore like like we we joke around about it a lot but woody snores very loudly like he's not the loudest snore i've ever experienced but he's on par with them you know what i mean like like like think of the loudest snore you've ever heard like it's about the same and i feel bad like internally i feel like it's my fault like like you can't do anything about it right like it's not like i was i supposed to like i don't know work harder like i don't know how to like not be a snore like getting mad at a sleepwalker yeah i've never been i've never been mad at it at all. It's like, he doesn't know.

He's just asleep. So anyway... It's not like you're farting in your sleep, and every night as we're bedding down, you're smiling like a fork in beans. They're like, I love these beanies. Dutch ovens. I like the chili kind.

I have an uncle that almost died from... Not almost. Yeah, he could almost died from sleepwalking when he was in his early 20s. There was a gigantic boombox on the top of an arm walk in the living room. He would sleepwalk and just walk around. I guess he would just grab things and try and move them. Then get bored of it and walk somewhere and like try and move them and then get bored of it and walk somewhere else and try and move things and he did that and this whole boom box fell and like cracked his skull while he was sleepwalking imagine a worse way to wake up than that and you can't even be mad because you did it to yourself like it's your own fault but it's not

your fault but man that's it when it hit him the head, it had turned on and started playing some music and all of a sudden he's just conscious in his living room middle of the night and he's been hitting the head in the middle of a dance party. Imagine how he's like, so take those old records off, or what? He just starts dancing Let the bodies hit the floor.

Let the bodies... What? Oh, so how would we do to the other department? While I would feel awful about it, the snoring would obviously ruin everything. They might play pranks on me that I don't take appropriately. I think we do a good job at a lot of things, though,

that maybe most people who share a... We do enjoy our time together. Sure, yeah. I think that once we add Woody's entire family in his bedroom though, it's going to be a little cramped. You know, because... This is a three amigos deal.

There's not a fam to tag along. Leave them behind? They got to come along too. They're living in his room. All of them That's good. Tim Taylor hosts Body for a month. What do you do? What do you do?

Help me find it. I'm going to commandeer this question a little bit because it needs to be a bit more specific because I'm imagining that I get to commandeer Taylor's body and he is completely unaware of it. I'm pointing my magic wand. I would be in your body doing whatever I wanted. You woulder Taylor's body, and he is completely unaware of it. Like, I'm, like, pointing my magic wand. I would be in your body doing whatever I wanted.

You would be in my body doing whatever you wanted. So you can do whatever you want. That's the situation, because then you know. I don't like that as much. And I prefer it if, like, I'm able to just go into your body, your brain just, like, goes on pause, and you wake up the moment I come out of your body and are alerted to the changes. Like a possession. Yes, exactly, like a possession. I was thinking more like Freaky Friday.

You're thinking more like The Exorcist. Yes, I am. But you're not on the inside occasionally peeking through the void and I'm like, Beelzebub will have you all. Your mother sucked cocks in hell. Taylor's like, get me out of here.

That wouldn't happen at all. You're completely out of it inside me. And I immediately begin the process of getting electrolysis or whatever on every part of my body of here like that wouldn't happen at all you're completely out of it inside me and i immediately begin the process of getting electrolysis or whatever on every part of my body and completely being you know that's where they like use the tweezers that have the electro they like they grab the hair and it like shocks through the hair and like kills the root and then they pluck it so the hair never comes back have fun putting yourself through that with all the hair on my body you know just it's your body.

I'm shooting up on heroin. Just do it. Do it. I'm riding the white dragon, baby. I'm out. I don't know. I just wake up and I'm bald. And I'm like, ooh, so smooth.

And then you all of a sudden pop back into your body. And you're just as smooth as a baby from the neck down. And you have a serious heroin problem see that would be the more upsetting part honestly this is the the newfound you don't know that you have a heroin problem you just know you have a problem that you're just like god damn i don't know what he did while he was in here besides the obvious. Your thing works for you. I was thinking more Freaky Friday where it would be a trade where I would just, you know, we'd like pee in the same fountain or we'd do something at the same time.

And it would switch us magically. And we wake up the next morning as you do. And you walk in the mirror and you have like the home alone aftershave thing. And my reason for it is that i have way less to lose than you do and so i would get in kyle's body and immediately start threatening myself who is kyle being like man me kyle myers i sure got a nice bank account here i think i might just transfer it all over to you I guess it is your money. Let's be fair and you'd have to be like, oh no, don't do that They'd be like I'll just sell the guns. It's not a big deal. I'll do that

Hey, do you think they would mind if I made a video on your channel where I just fired wildly and I don't know Open areas and then and then you know Kyle would have to be like, okay. Okay. I authorize you actually no I wouldn't have to I would have to because Kyle probably knows hit man I'll talk to him have him take care of me. I just live in Kyle's body from now on. You seem to have a, you know, you can eat more, not gain as much weight. You got a nice house, lots of guns to play with. No, but then I want to come back to my body, you know?

Yeah, you can go back home. Really, it would just be a way to try and trick you into me getting lots of things out of it. I don't like that. See, that's fraud. See, that's just fraud. No, it's not because I'm you. You're completely misusing your experience to be in a whole new self, to experience things in a whole new way. Realistically, like, the first things I would do is go, like,

you know, eat foods and, like, do things and see if they were different in any way because that's something no human being has ever been able to do, to experience ice cream, for example, in two different fucking entities this is the real answer here what you're saying now different maybe taylor's version of what chocolate tastes like maybe i eat chocolate ice cream as taylor and i'm like oh my god wow that's not what i that's better than any chocolate i've ever had in my life and let me well taylor's tongue is just flat out better than mine like he could taste things on a level that i can't or maybe it's smell or maybe like maybe i'm maybe just being in taylor's body is a whole new experience and i'm experiencing a common commonplace everyday thing in a way that's

much better or much more different maybe he can't taste for shit maybe i'm like oh god everything's so bland how can he take it you know it would be that would that be the interesting experience to experience the world and existence from another person's point of view. And also just being able to eat whatever you wanted all the time, and it's not you getting fat. It's someone else getting fat. The drugs. I'm not kidding about the heroin. I'd be shooting up in your butt.

I don't want to switch bodies with you guys. Your arm would look like a Normandy beach in Craters when I gave your body back. I want to switch bodies with Jackie. That's the thing. Maybe this makes me gay. I don't know. I want to switch bodies with Jackie and immediately we'll fuck. I'll try it from the other side. It seems gay, but...

No, it's not gay because you're a woman. The thing is with me, it's my wife. There's no secrets here. There's no whatever. It's a shared experience just from the flip side. It's all cool. The fact that she's your wife doesn't make it any more or less gay. It's the fact that you would be a woman making it not gay. If you turned into Jackie

and then had sex with another woman, that would be gay. Okay, just flip this around and now you realize that as part of sex, you're sucking dick. Yeah, but you're a woman. You like that dick? You've been jerking that thing off for years. You've been giving that guy hand jobs for the last fucking three decades. You're telling me that all of a sudden you suck it a little, now you're gay?

Like, I don't think so. You suck on! You make a strong point. Honestly, the real answer to all this is unless some demon or genie came to me beforehand and said, Alright, you're gonna switch bodies with the guy you do the podcast with in about a week, get all your affairs in order. Maybe change a lot of your passwords and knock yourself out so he doesn't get some drippy memory of everything. That would be better. But if you just wake up in the body of someone else, it would be blind panic.

And I think we all know that of just like very – I don't know. Actually, you couldn't have blind panic. You'd have to have quiet blind panic in your bed and then go out and see what the life was like. You'd immediately see the dynamic and be like, oh, okay. Let me look at my phone and see what's up. You have to try and do everything like, hey, everybody, yell your name as loud as you can

for fun. You're like, I have so much shit to do. No, you know what I would do? If I was in Woody's body and I checked his to-do list, he'd be like, build a shed. Yeah, I'm going to call someone. I'm going to pay the driveway.

Yeah, I'm going to call someone. Shine the lawnmowers. How many do we have? Four? I'm going to sell those. I'm not even going to use the last one. And then I'm going to call someone to mow the yard. I'm not going to call someone to do that. Well, I'm going to sit in my enormous giant screened

theater room all day and watch Game of Thrones is what I'll probably end up doing. And throwing away all those disgusting pickles that you eat by the handful. That would be something

that would be what gave me away. I found a product for you that's great for your sickness. They make pickle juice ice pops. Fuck off. Freeze these,

you know, it's like a popsicle in the little plastic sliver thing you cut off the top and you squeeze the bottom and the ice comes out. It's that but pickle juice. They got them on Amazon. On Amazon? Yeah, I feel like that'd be good for your sore throat. You could just

have yourself a pickle juice pop. I have spent about $6,000 on shit I don't want this week. I have a new hot water heater and a new refrigerator. And it's no fun to buy things that you don't eat. It's not now. I'm just where I was before.

My water's hot. If you spend money on something that's like that, that will give no reward on the other end. Like, oh, I have, usually when I purchase something, it's like, oh, I have this. I feel better. Like, ah, I got this thing. I feel good about it. I'm excited.

I'm going to go, like, through every one of these magic cards. I'm going to, like, mix these decks up. The next iPhone. I'm going to put my special scope on this gun, and then put my silencer on it, and then put a special stock, and then I'm going to go shoot it. Like, but you don't get that from a hot water heater. So I just numb myself to the whole process and the amount of money being spent and the whole thing. When I was buying that thing, she was like,

ooh, that's a good one, huh? And I'm like, I don't know. I didn't look at what it cost. She's like, you don't know what it costs? I'm like, $300 to $700, right? What am I going to do, not have hot water tonight? I don't care how much it costs. I know your Home Depot it's not like

you're going to shiftily like bump the price up to two grand I have to have the big one this guy really needs hot water tonight huh price of this item there's no point in telling me it's not more than I'll pay and no matter what you say I'm still going to pay it so just do it

ring it up our hot water heater I told you before I think even on the show that we had the issue with it not providing enough hot water the water was starting to fluctuate in temp and uh but the new symptom it developed is you could really smell gas like scarily so yeah so we um like i'm like can you come back tomorrow morning and swap this thing out and he could it was like yeah that's you know we were worried about getting through the night you know and uh like it just smelled too gassy we opened a window and then you have natural gas or propane and uh yeah so we got a new unit the next day and now we're all set and then the fridge yeah bro you just ended up with an extra fridge now you can now you should be looking at like frozen foods we had him take away the old fridge i'm pretty sure it was like on death's door oh man that was a that was a blown up waiting

that was a i was i was like god damn you just threw it away you know what you gotta pay to get a broken fridge in this market the broken fridge market you know bull bear or boar i'm to tell you right now. You can't put it in a broken fridge. You fucked up. My bad. Yeah, so I... I'm going to put it down with that. When I think of a broken fridge, I always want to take something like that

and use the cooling element to make something else. Maybe you could get the part that circulates the cooling liquid or whatever and run it through copper tubing on something and make some sort of thing that insta-cools a beer or a soda. What if you poured a soda in a tube and it ran through a snaky thing covered in those copper tubes of coolant and it would instantly take a room temperature beverage and make it ice fucking cold just in the process of going through the tube really quickly? We had a low-tech version of that we'd use at college parties it was just a giant ice shoot where you pour liquor into it and you put your head on it and uh even at the time i can still like go back to like the drunk 19 year old vision of what i was seeing at the time and someone being like hey Taylor Try a shot off with that and I was even drunk with like my beer and my shitty red cup in my hand I was like

Nah Like that's it was disgusting Because you're watching people Slobber on it and slobber on it and you just know that people are doing a lot of slobbering on it because it is made of Ice and so that people going up to it are gonna be like well if I leave a bunch of moisture people will just think It's melted water. No, it's just covered in spit little semi-refreezing spit in area that liquor is not killing the germs the ice does not kill the germs oh yeah ice kills germs the ice does not kill the germs kyle that's like uh it preserves the germs

it will keep them alive for 10 000 years don't listen to that guy he probably eats his fucking apple skins over there. Woody doesn't know what he's talking about. No, that is true. You'll suffocate the bacteria in your stomach. That germs die from cold. That did sound like a Dennis to Mac.

Mac to Dennis. I haven't watched the season finale of It's Always Sunny yet. I guess I'll watch that. I didn't watch the cricket one and I didn't watch whatever the most recent one was. Yeah, well, that's the season finale. Okay. Well, the ninth episode, I think, is called A Cricket's Tale or A Cricket's Tale.

I saw that. A Cricket's Tale, something like that. That one was kind of sad. I didn't even want to watch it. I told Taylor that my thought process was it was much sadder than it was funny. They mess with the timeline in that episode, so it takes place throughout several of the previous episodes, if that makes sense.

Like, there's a lot of jumping around through timelines we've already, like, went through in previous episodes, which I liked a lot. That's fun. But, man, Cricket's life is such a sad, sad, sad story that I didn't laugh that much plus i don't understand why he has parkour skills that was never explained he just has them he first displayed them that was the funniest thing i like it and and the parkour score parkour skills are like

curiously helpful and he i think they i you know, but they recreated that scene from Aladdin with the bread and his parkour scores. One jump ahead of the bread line. One hop ahead of the van. Yeah. It was great. It was hilarious. He just runs away with the bread. I liked that episode. I guess

more than Kyle did. Street rat. I don't buy that. I've actually, I've had kulu going recently just kind of letting it play shit and i it went through uh i think i like finished the last episode of bob's burgers which is a show that like when i'm watching it i can't decide like i don't know why i'm enjoying it but it just like it has a vibe of enough adult stuff that it's a little interesting, but also it's a very happy-go-lucky universe,

and it's almost like a feel-good show. Just to have on the background a little bit, because this never gets that real, but it went over to Family Guy, and I haven't watched Family Guy in probably seven years. I was going through the seasons and being like, what the fuck? I don't remember any of this.

And I watched a couple, and I'm going to step back on my family guy mocking a little bit. Because I've called it complete shit for a while. But it really is just a lot of quick jokes. Of course, it's not in continuity. Like, it's just a different flavor, a different mood thing. It was like I wasn't in the mood for, like, I'm playing this Total War Warhammer game. I don't have enough attention to pay attention to plotline abc in a south park episode or or watch a real show about like plot lines and character development i can do this pop up enjoy a joke and like go back down

and not need to worry anything so yeah you don't need to you can watch three minutes of a family guy episode and get four jokes and be none the poorer for missing out on the other 18 minutes of broadcast. It always works that way. I like the show because of that. And I like the characters. And I like all the things they say. I'm pretty sure that Stewie is quoting Michael Caine from

1964 when he says, What the deuce? It's so many little weird references like that. i've been watching big love recently because bill paxton died so bill paxton died um i don't know two weeks a couple days ago yeah something like that and uh and i'm a big big bill paxton fan i really am i like a lot of his movies um and especially like the older stuff we watched uh uh aliens like the the anniversary edition with all the extra

scenes like we had already watched that right before he died so i couldn't go to that one so i went to big love which is an hbo uh series about a utah-based polygamist named bill henriksen played by bill paxton who runs a chain of like home depot style stores but they're his brand it's like henriksen henriksen home plus you know it's like he owns them and uh they're his brand. It's like Henrickson Home Plus. It's like he owns them. They're Mormons. They're LDS or whatever, Latter Day Saints. What most people don't know is that

they're polygamous. That Bill Henrickson has three fucking wives. He owns three houses side by side on the same block. He's got a wife in each house. He spends the night in a different house every night. And he's got like seven or nine kids, depending on where you're starting in the show.

And he has to keep all this on the down low because it's, you know, first of all, it's illegal. And because he's in Utah with so many other Mormons, they are really anti-polygamy. This is a documentary or this is a show? No, this is a hbo like comedy drama type show like it's there's some there's some heavy shit in the show and there's some really funny moments and it's it's an hbo series it's uh there's like five or six seasons it's it's pretty

fucking good the um he's uh he's got so much drama going on he's got his main wife uh who he's been married to like from the very beginning his bottom bitch and what happened with his bottom bitch is she got uh cancer and they thought that she was going to die and what i i hope i'm not offending any mormons out there um by you know interpreting your wacky fucking loopy lou religion but i'm sure they're not offended they probably didn't like that part but but they believe that joseph smith found some golden tablet tablets like a couple hundred years ago in like upstate new york and he was led there to dig and find them by the angel moroni and then he put him in a hat he looked in the hat and he read what the golden tablet said to another guy who dictated it all down that guy's wife if you watch the south

park episode said horseshit tell him you lost what you wrote and go back make him do it again see if they match. Went back, they didn't match. But that's what all these people believe in, this modern interpretation of Christianity. The Garden of Eden in Mormonism is apparently near Jefferson City, Missouri. It sure is, sure is. I've been there, not in Eden.

I believe, this is the part where I could be wrong about but I think that they thought and believed and probably still do but they always said that black people had the mark of Cain I think that that was their thing and it wasn't until the 80s or the 70s

that they started to have anything to do with black people and didn't look at them as people who couldn't make it to the afterlife and such. Maybe they still don't. They have to. No, they do now. They had to step that back.

They had to step that back. But the core of your religion is that when you die, it's not just the pearly gates and where all the good people are in here milling around amongst each other like it's a futuristic – like heaven's the biggest happening city in the galaxy. It's not that. You go to a celestial temple, a place in the afterlife that's you and yours. And so having a big family makes a lot of sense if you believe that. Like you need multiple wives to make lots of children so that, you know, you have a community of your loved ones in the afterlife. And the more the better the way that he looks at it. So his wife is dying of cancer, and their fear is that his children will now grow up without a mother.

So he says, well, you know, I'm kind of from this place where polygamy is practiced kind of under the table. It's not my thing, but maybe this could work for us. In this way, my wife gets to have input on who replaces her, who raises her children, and who will be with us in eternity. Because if he just lets his wife die and then he picks a new wife, then his bottom bitch is going to be rudely greeted by wife number two that she's never even met before when they get to heaven. So bring in wife number two. They get married. She's even a nurse. So she's treating the dying wife.

They expect her to die any day. She lives. She fucking lives. So now you treating the dying wife. They expect her to die any day. She lives. She fucking lives. So now you just got two wives. They're so religious, they can't divorce. And so it goes on for like maybe three more years. And he's like, hey, I want a third. And he adds like this 22-year-old hot chick named Margie to the mix.

So you have these three women who are all vying for his attention in different ways and being conniving and- What's this called? Where is it? Big Love. It's on HBO where is it big love it's on hbo okay excellent it's real good title turned me off because i've scrolled by it many times yeah and like yeah that's that's not my cup of tea more than likely watch watch like two episodes and you'll i promise you'll get hooked and intrigued by like the deceitfulness of many

of the characters like they have so much stuff going on under the rug. Everyone is hiding two or three secrets from everyone else. And you just know that at any moment, two or three of these secrets are going to bubble up, and it's going to be hell to pay. Now, of course, the biggest secret is that we're polygamists. This public figure businessman whose business would shrivel and die is a polygamist.

That's their big secret but they've got dozens of other ones there are people who have like credit cards who have like mountains of credit card debt they're not telling anybody about it um there are people who are having sex when they're not supposed to be there's all kinds of madness how many wives does he have to keep happy three he's got you know that story uh we were hearing earlier about the most successful fbi agent of all time yeah i bet you put him in a situation where he has to keep three wives happy he makes it three days before he willingly goes back and tells the italian mob like it was i'm not even cuban or italian i'm so

sorry like here's my wife i am in now because honestly been hanging out with you guys for a while this life looks dope i see why you do what you do you know i said you didn't take out my wives though like i'm when i'm gone i'll tell you what i took from the show because like i've tried to show this show to like girlfriends in the past and they're always like i'm not watching that show i see where this is headed because they always think that you're trying to suggest that like you're trying to add some more bitches to the mix right that's not it at all you watch this and you start to grasp the responsibility of having three households three families three women this guy is running ragged and at the heart of it you see in his private moments and in his moments with his like his equals you know the other men who are polygamists

that he goes to a group and talks with about how we're all doing. He's like, I just hope that I can be a righteous man who can be this example for them, and I want them to be happy, and I'm going to lead this example for my son. And he's got so much on his plate that on his way home from work, it's like 24 voicemails. And as he listens to one after another, he makes note and at dinner he's like going through his notes like make he's like memorizing things to say to everyone oh billy got into varsity he mentioned and when they get to dinner billy uh great job making varsity you know just go down this huge list of appeasing this is making me stressed out hearing about it he's always like that he's always stressed out like he can't get it up he can't get it up so he's on viagra because they're like he's fucking constantly right like like maybe if you have one wife you can take a couple days off and it's not a big deal even if she's insatiable

you could take a day off but he's got three and if you get to they're on a schedule so that like different wife every night so like if you get to wife number two and you're not feeling it that night well she might have just heard you banging wife number one the night before across the across the way she's like oh you can't get it up for me i'm not i'm what am i ugly i'm not good enough i'm not pretty enough so he's just popping 100 milligrams of viagra multiple times a day his doctor's like he's going blind from the viagra at one point, and his doctor's like, how much are you taking? He's like, 100. The doctor's like, 30, 40 milligrams?

100. How often? Two a day, sometimes three. He's just like, sir, a man your age is not a farm animal. You're not. Like a stallion. You're going to kill yourself.

He thought of Woody's dad. There's a guy who. You're going to kill yourself. Woody's dad. There's a guy who wouldn't hear that sort of thing. My dad. I don't know if I'm going to check that show out. That sounded stressful. I think I am going to check it out. I want to see it.

As his daughter who went on and she's kind of a Hollywood actress now, very pretty girl. You have to keep in mind his children range from an infant or you know he often they're always having new kids so like pregnancy to like his uh his daughter and his daughter's about to go to college his son is uh like varsity baseball in high school it's exactly what it is that's exactly what it is yeah polygamy should be legal as long as it's like everybody's it should go like both ways it should be legal as long as you're everybody's cool with it the problem with polygamy and and and this is a part of the show that i didn't really go into because the the interesting part that like i think that both of you could get into even if you're not into the relationship stuff is his father-in-law is this guy named roman grant who is the polygamy king. He runs this huge polygamy compound that's

so big that they're worth like $200 million because of all the money that's flowing up to him. He controls this huge enterprise because in polygamy, you can have multiple wives. He's the one who divvies out the bitches. I kind of don't want to hear more about this show. You're just ruining it.

You're just... Yeah, just like 20 minutes of all the stuff that you're gonna love like what if i did that to breaking bad like oh yeah and then this happens at season five and let me tell you about the ricin and like i haven't given you any okay it's really laid out like i think i'm gonna watch. I've been watching a lot of stuff you've been recommending. I watched, is it The Visit with the woman who's really good with language? I watched Ultimate Beastmaster. I'm on like episode seven or something.

I watched Cloverfield. First or the second? Oh, I've seen both now. I watched the second one first. So I watched the first one second. You liked it with John Goodman, that one? I really liked that. As a matter of fact, in hindsight,

I think watching the second one first makes it better because there's more uncertainty. Like, I didn't know. I didn't see the ending coming this whole time. Well, if I had watched the first one... You didn't know how it related to the second one. It's a completely different sort of if i had watched the first one like you didn't know how it related to the second one it's a completely different sort of attack where because in the in the second one you're looking at like an intelligent invasion and in the first one you

had like a cthulhu type monster crash some ghoul yeah but you see in the second one i watched all of it not knowing if there really was a thing outside yeah yeah yeah and that added like i didn't know if John Goodman, you know, okay. I haven't seen the first one. They're just, they're in this, I honestly don't know quite how they relate. I don't think anyone really does.

It was so bizarre when they named that second field 10 Cloverfield Lane. There was a lot of people on the internet being like, well, what is it going to be? How does it relate to the first one? So it's, I don't know exactly how it relates so i might check out this show too um we were talking about bill paxton earlier i it got suggested as a movie on netflix frailty it's a bill paxton movie have you guys seen that let me remind myself because i'll link it to you but it's basically about

a guy who's Bill Paxton is the father and he's got a couple of young kids and they live in a very rural area and I'm not giving anything away this is like literally the first shit that happens in the movie and Bill Paxton is of the belief that

God is sending him to kill demons and that demons walk all around us and they're just normal looking people and He it's his task to go kill him and he is conscripting his two young sons To come along with them because he's basically he'll find someone and be like oh that's a demon and it just looks like a normal Lady or something and he goes and he thinks it's his mission to kill these people and it's a whole story his mission to kill these people and it's a whole story about how you know the sun's doubt then becoming resolved and agreement and all the and then wavering it's really really good i don't want to give anything away on accident but frailty on netflix i guarantee that the only reason it's

up there is because bill paxton is in it and he recently died they do that is you know when you watch movies on netflix and you're like this is a bullshit movie and then you find one and you're like, holy shit, this is a real movie that I have not heard of and I'm fucking loving it. It's immediately rocketed up to my top probably 20 movies ever. It's so, so good and interesting. So check out Frailty on Netflix.

That perfect level. Bill Baxton was a young guy. He was like 50 or so. He was having a surgery. That's all I know. I don't know if it was... I like Matthew McConaughey. Yeah, I like him too. All right, all right, all right. All right, all right, all right. Let me do this fourth advertisement here for Wink.

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door. Try Wink and get $20 off, plus complimentary shipping right now when you go to trywink.com slash pka. That's trywinc.com slash pka that's try w-i-n-c.com slash p-k-a here's an interesting question i've been thinking about a lot of events for me have you ever had your fight or flight reflex activated if so which way did you go fight or flight and um i i've had a couple incidents now most of them I've talked about before, right?

Like the burglar that robbed my house all those times. When I finally caught him in the act, I confronted him. I hit the door on his fingers and yelled at the guy and chased him away. But I was real brave. There have been a couple other instances too, especially with ocean rescues and stuff where i uh i felt like i acted pretty bravely but i've had a couple others like um i remember i talked about a fight where that guy broke my nose that yorgie guy and um it's weird he broke my nose i've had it broken four

times i count this one as twice because it broke two places but um that night anyway it was my off button and uh like as soon as he hit me i didn't want to fight anymore but like i was really taken aback by how much blood i was bleeding and uh i felt like guilt over it for a while like i was some kind of coward like you know you watch guys fight through bloody noses all the time and it on this one day it totally took the fight out of me um i've had two instances uh once on a motorcycle like a long time ago in my 20s or something where i for some reason i guess i thought i wasn't going to make the turn so i just hit the brakes really hard and uh i ended up stopping in time and i think i would have made the turn if i just piloted it better but um i reacted the wrong way like i wasn't the

cool calm collected best version of me i was in the red and then there was another time i had paramotor when i was first learning and the motor went out and uh had my it was so early my instructor was still you know in the radio and had he not like said, you know, okay, this is going to be fine. You're lined up on the runway, you know, go flare. And like, had he not been in my ear talking me through it, I might have just froze. I don't know. And just glided to the ground and smashed or something. Like, so I feel like with people and like, there's any time i've i've been the real

brave perfect version of me it also depends what it is right like like courage by definition is when you're overcoming fear like you have to be terrified to be courageous like if you're if you're just not afraid then it wasn't that courageous you know like yeah like like and that's why superman's never been courageous sure right and when i think about you frankly when you go out there and save the people uh who are drowning or whatever like you don't have any fear you've got excitement you're like oh i get to go do my thing this is what i do yeah so you're not afraid so so there's no flight or fight reaction like what i've always experienced is if it's something like hanging out of a

helicopter or like going down a really steep something like hanging out of a helicopter or going down a really steep slide or swinging from a rope or being in a vehicle that someone else is piling, I really am not afraid of that. Or at least I'm able to master that fear. Basically, what I do is I say, look, being afraid of this will change the outcome in no way other than negatively. My fear here can only hinder me. If I focus and just try to make the best of this out-of-control, down-a-hill-in-a-thing situation, then I might make it out of it. But the worst thing I can do is panic and be terrified and freak out because then I lose control.

But if it's a different kind of scenario, I'm not getting a fight-or-flight reaction from those things is what I lose control. But if it's a different kind of scenario, I'm not getting a fight or flight reaction from those things is what I'm saying. But if it's something that's like major issues that are like real world life changing issues, or if I have like, I've had a lot of altercations, I go, I have a panic attack. I fucking have a panic attack. I go unconscious. I don't hyper ventilate first. Everything just, it's like when you stand up too quickly and you see stars for a moment, it's like that, but it doesn't get better. It doesn't get better. I can feel it wash over me from top to bottom. There's a cold sweat

and then that immediately burns off into a fever. And then I feel cold and tingly at all of my extremities and my hands and my legs things start getting dark from the outside growing in it's it the peripheral but it starts getting foggy how many times has this happened to you oh bunches of times i have lots of panic attacks not not not recently um i've had them before and like passed out outside on on concrete and like fuck my elbow have you ever taken anything for it um well it's not something that happens regularly enough to like you know to to to deal with it's it's literally like fighter flights uh type situations that trigger it it's not like tony soprano i'm seeing the uncle ben's rice and i'm like oh and like like falling out on the floor with the cold cuts it's that like if

something major happens if i think that like everything's melting down or like i'm about even if i'm if i'm about to get in a fight maybe even then i will i will completely have a panic attack i need i if and if i don't sit down i'm gonna fall down and it's not gonna be one of those like let yourself down to the floor slowly with like one leg and be like i just need to sit here for a minute i don't feel too good it's like i'm blind now i'm blind now where am'm blind now. Where am I? Three, two, unconscious. That's how it goes. You are exactly like these fainting goats.

Where you get startled and then if you scream at them, they just faint. Just fall over. Next PKA hangout or something, I'm going to open an umbrella at Kyle. Just see it.

Just disorient him. Man, that sounds awesome. hangout or something like i'm gonna open an umbrella at kyle you know i've never experienced anything like that of just passing out for no i've never had that happen four off the top of my head like it happened in court that time when i was like when i had the uh the the open weapon charge when i was 20 22 or whatever and uh the judge is talking about sending us to prison and fining us tens of thousands of dollars, and we're in the right. We had carry permits. We weren't doing anything illegal. We just opened carrying in a Walmart, permitted to do so, the whole

nine yard, and this judge doesn't know the goddamn law because the level of judge he's at, probate judge or whatever, he didn't even go to law school. He's like an elected official. You know? And I'm like, I've got all these printouts like 22 year version of me is coming in there like a matlock like like no we don't need a lawyer i got this handled like like i'll just explain to him hey we don't need i that's what i told my i'm like we don't need a lawyer i was like i'll take care of this and we get in there and i'm like and and i'm like i'm like no sir you your honor, you see here?

This is where the attorney general of Georgia, here's a quote from him from two years ago where he talks about grocery stores being permissible. How does Walmart not fall in with a grocery store? It's the same fucking thing. It is a grocery store. And he's just like, oh, that don't count there and this and that and i'm like would you read this paragraph and i could tell he didn't want to read it out loud and i noticed it i was like because there's a recorder over there recording everything down

and there's like multiple people up on the bench like he's not even like alone up there i'm defending myself before for these people and like they're assisting him and handing him documents and like whispering in his ear and stuff it's outrageous and i'm just getting more and more stressed and i'm scared i'm terrified because it's not going my way it's like he's being resistant to all this he won't hear my 22 year old version of this this 60 70 year old judge is not hearing it and i just go on and on with all this proof and finally i'm like can i can i get some water i'm like my throat is so dry and they go we don't have any water 30 seconds later i'm unconscious and there's a deputy on one side like holding my belt and my shoulder and my cousin is on the other side

with a belt and a shoulder and they're hoisting me out of the fucking courtroom into the back like alley area like behind the like the judge's chambers behind the judges' chambers. All of a sudden, there's hostess snack cakes and Coca-Cola on ice. They're pouring it for me. I'm just like, well, all of a sudden, we came up with some fucking beverages. Someone had a hidden

snack machine that we didn't want anybody to know about. I'm like, immediately, because that's the nature of this every single time. There's nothing wrong with me. My body just flipped its, you know, its switch. It's like, oh, voltage too high. We're fucking reset mode.

I flipped a breaker. That's what it's like. I flipped my breaker, and my body's like, oh, reboot. It just turns the breaker back on, and I'm just like, oh, instantly better. And so I'm like, what's happening? And they're like, the judge said he needs to look at that paperwork you brought and he needs to think about this some more and ask some second opinion so my brain goes oh we're good thank god we won um they go and the ambulance is on the way and I'm like oh I gotta go we got the fuck out of there as quickly as we

could and very embarrassed um got in my car and we're like driving away as the ambulance is coming in like a bat out of hell like pulls in two paramedics are running into the courtroom and i'm just like out of here man like this is no talking about the fight or flight response thing because i've got a good one that's more funny than anything i don't remember if i've talked about it but it's not strictly fight or flight. So my girlfriend in high school, we were on a vacation with my family. She just came along to the Dominican Republic. And we were hanging out on the beach, obviously,

and getting swindled by the fucking Dominicans who, you know, I'm walking down the street, you know, 16, 17, whatever, with my American wallet. And they're like, hey hey you want to buy this coconut for i think i bought a coconut from this large dominican guy for like six bucks there were dozens of coconuts laying around but he was accosting us and he's like six dollars for this coconut and it's like dude if you don't like five dude like take the six bucks like let me go like you're gonna stab me and i'm not confident enough to hold my own when there's i'm the only tourist

in this region right now and they also had boats the little canoes that you could take out there and paddle around obviously not regulated just some fucking dudes canoe and We rented it because my girlfriend at the time wanted to go out and do it and I was already getting stressed out because I'm the complete opposite of Woody when it comes to the ocean the thought of Just swimming out to sea for the fuck of it, just to see how far you can go, that makes my palms sweat. I'm so freaked out by the ocean of what could be there, like what the sneaky, whatever the fuck.

Like, I don't know, it freaks me out. And we were in there, we were paddling out, and I kept trying to like hold it in, to the point where it was embarrassing. Where like, I'd be like, all right, that's woohoo, 30 yards out, getting pretty far, right? Like, all right, let's rein it in and take in the sights and she was like no we need to keep going out let's keep going out and i didn't want to look like a bitch and so i just kept paddling out there spending

more time with my head behind me like oh my god it's getting so far away like the land is so like because my only thought is like if something happens and i have to swim back there is so much time for a monster to to seize me or for something to grab me from under the depths because i can't see yeah i'm a fine swimmer i'm confident in my swimming i'm fine with that just the unknown and we got out there to a point where i started to get like actual like sweaty and scared and like she was trying to be like upbeat she was just enjoying herself like oh this is so much fun we're seeing all this fun stuff what a neat place beautiful weather and i'm like white knuckling this fucking three dollar half broken or like can we go back can we go back and she's

like no we got to keep going so i went a little bit further and she started to rock the boat being cute with me cute and i lost my shit i ruined that canoe trip for her at that point because it wasn't like, Hey, settle down. You're going to dox in the water. It was like, what the fuck do you think you're doing? Stop. Stop fucking rocking the boat. We're going back. We're going back. Right. Give me your oar. No, you're not going to fight me on this.

Give me your fucking oar. We're going back. This is ridiculous. This is ridiculous. There's a pool at the hotel and there's no sharks in the pool. And you just keep going. There's a pool at the hotel, and there's no sharks in the pool! And then I just keep going. Oh.

Like, it was such a stupid thing to get so anxious over and, like, so stressed out. But, like, it was just, like, something I couldn't overcome. Of, like, being out there, it wasn't like I chose to get upset. It was just, like, that switch, I guess. Instead of me passing out and drowning, like, Kyle's body, I just hit a point of, like, this is bullshit, and I will not be dragged into this death swamp any further with you like I'm not anymore another fight response that I've had when I was like 14 or something there was a bully that I had an issue with he was much bigger than me and like he likes they always are I give you permission to beat him up. Yeah. Jim always

talks about likes to fight guys, douchebag who's walking around like, like a fucking walking boner and just wants to punch something. He was that guy. And, and just, just much bigger than me. And it wasn't like we had a regular issue, but we had an issue today. And for whatever reason, I said, ah, I'm gonna stand up to you. And I'm like, I shoved him, gave him the double palms in the, in the chest, even though it's his chest is up here. And it's like, ah, I'm going to stand up to you. And I'm like, I shoved him, gave him the double palms and the chest, even though his chest is up here. And it's like, ah, fuck you. I'm not going to take your shit. And he gave me one back.

And he's like, I'll kick your ass. But he wasn't completely confident. Like, I definitely rebuffed him. And he never gave me any more issues after that. But his threat was terrifying because he meant that shit. I had seen him do it. I had seen him beat up three different men, and they were men that he beat up.

He would walk up. I saw him one time walk up to this guy who was the biggest fucking guy that was, that was the biggest white guy that I knew, and he just, he's just smiling. They called him Smiley, and he fucking, boom, just decks the guy, and then he's just like, ha-ha, now we fight.

Like, he just instigates a fight with the big guy. And he's like, now we're going to roll. Let's go. Like, that was his deal. And so his threat meant something. And he scared the fuck out of me. But I pretended like I didn't. But I immediately got the worst diarrhea.

I was like, my body has to shit right now. Your body is hilarious in these situations. So I used myself as an altercation, walked to the bathroom with no permission. We were in like medals, like shop class, so very little supervision. That's why we were having the altercation. I went to the bathroom. I remember just shitting my ass off at school, which I had – it was the only shit I had taken ever in high school. I was like, today we shit at school because it was – and it was just like when I see –

The only shit you ever took in high school. Yeah, it's the only shit I've ever taken in high school because it was a man – It's so weird. And Joe Rogan has talked about this before. And it was just like when I see... The only shit you ever took in high school. Yeah, it's the only shit I've ever taken in high school because it was a man. It's so weird. And Joe Rogan has talked about this before. He was talking about this video where these two bears are fighting. And they're having this life or death battle, these two grizzly bears. And one of them just starts shitting.

Just shitting. Just shitting everywhere. Just explosive diarrhea. Just shitting. Because his body is like, we do not have energy to spend on digestion. Get it out! Into the claws or whatever, you know?

And that's exactly what my body was doing. It was like, oh, we're about to throw down? Time to shit, bro. That's because you were going to ink him. Yeah. Hair! You know, because it would have been a real whooping if i decided to take things to that level

i don't get like if we were to compare kyle to electricity like where he can sometimes black out i'm more inclined to brown out and it happened last year on my paramotor so i'm i'm coming in for a landing and i think everything's fine i've flown for like an hour at this point and uh it's not the very end, like maybe I'm 20 feet off the ground. I hop out of my seat. Now I'm suspended by my leg straps and they're buckled up wrong. So really I'm suspended by one leg strap. That's much tighter. And the other one isn't. And now instead of coming in for landing nice and straight, it's turning me, I'm landing on my side.'s all fucked up and like i'm um in the end i land but i kind of like take a knee and almost fall

forward maybe i do put my hands on the ground everything's fine but get your achilles though i turned it off it did turn off it so um but i'm embarrassed that i didn't nail landing and i hate that i knew that i had the skill set to handle this problem. I just wasn't the best version of me. Well, anyway, the turn of my buckle on my leg was routed wrong, but I didn't know that. I thought that the problem was because it was like caught under the keys in my jeans and just caused it to not hang right. So I was like, all right, no problem.

Take the keys, put my jacket in pocket and just fly again the next day. Next day, same thing happens, right? Because it wasn't the keys, the buckle was routed wrong. And I'm like, all right, Woody, you said you had the skill set to handle this. You just need to be asymmetrical on the brakes as you come in and encounter it. Here's your chance. Big shot. Nail this landing. It's happened again. And I felt really good because I did. And I just needed a little more experience to be the clear-headed best version of me. And that like going into the red or going into the yellow is something that like I kind of actively work on, whether it be like motorcycling or paramotoring or what have you. to actively work on whether it be like motorcycling or paramotoring or what have you um an area i talked about in my last video my friend at uh the zombie air force base where i sometimes fly brought

out a dueling tree for a pistol kyle knows this and uh so i get up there and i there maybe there were six of them all six of them i hit them in a row like i'm a big shot and uh it's like yeah i'm not a great shot or anything but sometimes i usually hit what i'm pointing at and then uh i'm going against this army guy and he's like all right let's like do a competition and we lay out the rules for the dueling tree that we made up and he's like i'll go one-handed and you can do whatever oh my god i couldn't hit shit i couldn't hit a fucking thing now that i'm in competition against another guy and there's like stress and like if i had done what i did in practice i would have there would have been handling i think but yeah oh that's

absolutely true that's true with it like like i've uh that that my my shotgun suppressor like i remember we were in that field and i'm out there throwing three three skeet up getting them and i'm like all right we're ready to film i'm tuned in right i couldn't hit fucking shit i can't i do and the thing about it is like when you've got with that shotgun with the suppressor on the end it's so heavy and there's a there's a motion to like throwing the skeet and shooting them where i'm holding the gun right i throw them and then i let the gun fall down and then i sort of catch it with my left hand as it's recovering from the throw and go and so there's this repeated movement like this with your left hand of catching a heavy gun and and lifting it upwards and then being steady immediately going into a stance that that i had done 80 fucking times in a row and i'm just like i don't

know if we're gonna be able to do this i don't know i just don't know too much practice i couldn't fucking calm down and that thing it's so hard to shoot with that yeah you can't get it your side picture's weird so when i see these people miss an actual combat i think woody if you're half the shot in competition that you are in practice are you a quarter the shot you know in against bad guys like i can see like sometimes i see guys i saw a video two people on either side of a pool table they both had like seven rounds in their gun no one hit each other they're just ducking and popping up like opposite, opposite a pool table. You would, like, how do you miss someone from four feet? But sure enough, they managed to miss, like, seven times.

Both of them ran out of bullets. I knew someone who had gotten in a gunfight outside a bar, and the bullets were in his car. They were shooting into his car at them. They were just feet away, and he was returning fire out the window, and the windows were rolled down in the truck, and the bullets were coming through the door and shattering the glass and making it spray up and out. He's just like, the glass was fucking spraying everywhere, and I couldn't see anything. I was just emptying the fucking clip, and nobody hit anybody.

They both just fucking emptied their clip, and then he just sped away, and they just called it even. It was even. Live to fight another day right he's got body work to do the other guy probably needs to buy some new pants like i uh but yeah so i i that concept of like going into the yellow or going into the red like that's i know somehow the fight or flight thing sparked that in me yeah that shit sucks i hate i hate having those i um i kind of enjoy working against it you know now you know i don't want to have repeated gunfights but like the other stuff like the motorcycle the paramotor and like sometimes i go to a motorcycle turn and i'm like all right this is a little faster than your comfort zone but you know what to do you know look where you intend to go take your turn smoothly use

proper throttle control and your bike can do a lot more than you think it can i love those moments when fear makes time slow down a little bit and you get to be that super version of you for for like a split second are you have you had this like like where the adrenaline makes makes your perception of time seem to slow just a little bit i'm not sure where you feel like the puck's coming way slower than it is and then you watch like a game tape replay and it's like that shot only took a tenth of a second to get there but it feels like you're like i'm moving all my stuff correctly it's almost like you're focused on so much stuff that it slows it down like the focus yeah your your perception of time completely changes like like in that moment

with all that adrenaline your brain is focused on that one thing and and everything slows down just a little bit so you can be a little bit better version of you whereas if you're in the dmv and they shoot a puck at you you're just gonna get hit because you're not you're not ready your adrenaline is very low yeah dmv i wonder like like what kind of performance enhancer adrenaline is because you know it's always used to you know bee sting, allergic reactions, and stuff like that. But is there anyone who's ever used it as a performance enhancing drug of some kind? Between rounds two and three in the octagon, they just pop it in your leg and see what you got. It's really, really short term though, isn't it?

Okay, okay. With adrenaline, you'd have to knock him out in like 10 seconds. I don't even know how long it would last. I have no idea. Let's say it's 10, 20 seconds, right? There are races that go that long. 20 seconds is a 50 meter free in swimming

and it's 200 meters in track and field. Yeah. So... I don't know. Maybe adrenaline makes you... Like shaky? in track and field. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe adrenaline makes your... If it makes you shaky... Oh, I lost you. You got roboted in there for a sec.

Oh, everything seems fine. I was saying, I wonder if it makes you shaky or if it makes you not as coordinated or something where you have more raw power diverted to the limbs but they're not quite as coordinated. Maybe your muscles burn out faster or something like that. Who knows? I bought those canisters of air the other of oxygen the other day to to sort of test their performance enhancing abilities i've been uh i've been testing to see

if i can hold my breath longer with them and uh doing like like not like powerlifting yes i think i can but it could be a placebo well just like 95 can of oxygen right so like like like I'll just I'll take like a bunch of deep breaths from it and then hold the last one and it feels I could be wrong could be a placebo but it feels like oh this might when usually when I hold my breath and I start like running out of breath it starts as like it feels hot right here in the center of your chest and that burning kind of flows outward from the center. And that burning starts off more cool, it feels like, to me, in maybe my placebo mind, or maybe because oxygen really does... How long can you hold your breath just standard-ish?

I didn't. I haven't done it recently. We did this a long time ago. Yeah, there was a whole controversy, because you didn't like the way I held my nose or something like that. He was like, all right, I'm holding my breath. It's just like, do I have to do this the whole time? Yes. Do I have to like...

You need to do it underwater. Well, just any solution that shows that your mouth is... If it's not underwater, it's bullshit. When I get underwater though, my heart rate goes up. To me, that's the only way to do a breath check thing. Because you could just hold it and I feel like there's a natural flow

whatever the current in the room is that's giving you something that water doesn't like by osmosis just like there's some flow maybe you're taking micro breaths I don't know Kyle I want to say this I don't think we mentioned that we're doing a Patreon hangout. Did we?

We were supposed to say that. We didn't mention that because... We weren't going to say the specifics. But the thing is that... Here's the thing. There is a Patreon hangout coming very soon. Check your messages. So be checking your Patreon email and your email so that

you know when it's happening we don't want to tell exactly when it's happening because then people who aren't patrons might somehow find their way in but if you are a patron uh and it's time for the monthly hangout um it is uh so just be aware check your email and your patreon messages because sometimes the patreon system fucks up and it's not necessarily on us because we have no way of knowing that it messes up until all of a sudden only one of you shows up for yeah yeah there were there are people who thought that we weren't doing them when i guess patreon is supposed to send you a message on the patreon system as well as copy it to your email and some people didn't get the email but if they

check their patreon message they would have seen it there and anyway so we're telling you now check your patreon messages because there is a hangout coming up very soon and i think we should keep doing this so that people um don't yeah so that everybody knows yes the people know to check their messages yeah yeah and if anybody else is interested in you know coming hanging out with us for for an hour or so a month it usually goes much longer than an hour because i honestly usually we kind of double it you know i it's supposed to be an hour we call it an hour it you know i can imagine a scenario where you get limited to an hour but it hasn't been an hour in like a year hour and a half yeah um i have a good time though i like meeting you guys and i'm always all i'm almost always and very impressed by you guys but like

when you guys come in and we start talking to you it's so rare that some guy is like even boring oftentimes you're all you're almost all interesting and you're almost all winners that's what i've noticed from the people who hang out with us in patreon you're laughing taylor i'm telling you you're sure one of these you'll see i believe you guys are fucking they and they're like, well, I'm taking a little time off of college right now. And at first you're like, to do what? And he's like, well, I started a software company. I'm just writing so many apps right now. I hired five guys.

They work for me also. They're Korean though. Really cheap. And he's like already started an empire that he's running. But I'm going back for my degree, though, because I need that. Because I'm doing this internship in Switzerland this year, and it's always something like that. They're always making tons of cash. Oftentimes, these 19-year-olds have three employees or something like that.

And it's always stuff that when you hear it, you're like, oh, yeah. No matter what happens, you're probably not going to get automated out of this career or something like that they oftentimes have these cool backup things like i want to say that a guy wrote me like three days ago he's like woody i've started a um you know an enterprise here i have passive income of and then he mentions how many thousands per week it is and uh i'm like running through the math to figure out his annual salary because that's the number that I relate to best. And it's like, this is a great annual salary. This is a top 5%, 3% annual salary. And this kid's age is under 25.

And he's like, I just want to talk to you about my options. And he just wanted to get some time with me about how to handle this success that he's having. And it's just like, yeah. And there's a lot of guys in the Hangout who are like that. And it's because it's $50 a month to do the Hangout level thing. And it's like the Disney cruise I went on. I'm like, yeah. I went on this Disney cruise where people sailed across the Atlantic ocean from like Spain to Africa to Florida. And there's a certain kind of person that has that kind of freedom and money

to do it. And I'm just like, how are you like, you people are all magicians. Every one of you, like it, you just like take ocean cruises around the world. That's what the,

the hangout has like a similar kind of weeding out. It's interesting. Very cool people. So, so yeah, hangouts coming. So yeah, if you're a patron, That's what the Hangout has, like a similar kind of weeding out. It's interesting. Very cool people. So, yeah, Hangout's coming. So, yeah, if you're a patron, get on board for that. Yeah. Anyway, yeah, so I didn't want people to miss it again and get the impression that we didn't do it.

Let's see. What can we talk about now? The Nike hijab. Do you want to talk about that? Nike has made a hijab. I saw a picture today it said it's got a woman wearing the hijab and it's got the little Nike squish on it and it says Nike just do it and then at the bottom it's it's it's it's like a an asterisk and it says if your husband gives you permission no no no that's the asterisk

was added by, like, but the woman wearing the hijab and the just do it, that's like Nike's fucking that's Nike shit. And what do you think about this? I don't like it. I feel like the hijab is some sort of a backwards sort of, like, shackle that

is placed upon women. Absolutely. It would be no different than, like, I don't know, I guess I can't say that. You know absolutely it would be no different than like i don't know like i guess i can't i can't say that um you know it'd be no different than any of the other things that might be used to i don't even understand what you're comparing yeah i'm not good it's good that you don't i don't want to go there um i don't like it though i don't like it because i think the job is wrong i just don't like it because it seems like the only time like the argument you always hear from people is like oh they they like it they don't mind like it's part of their culture and they enjoy it and it's like yeah it would be part of their culture

and then they'll compare it to be like you know women in the united states are you know objectified even worse people in the muslim women in those countries think that women here have it bad because they're paraded around with no clothes, walking around like sluts or whores or whatever word they'd use. And it's like, well, that's not a fair comparison because women in the U.S. can be like, I'm going to wear a pantsuit today. I'm going to wear a bikini to the beach. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that. They can do whatever they want.

There's a distinct difference from that. And it would be akin to in the United States being like people going around being like, oh, your skirt is too long. We're going to cut that off of you. We're going to make it so you're more revealing. Like it's just like most of the people who are wearing these aren't doing it of their own volition. They're doing it because social ramifications would be enormous. And it's just something they're not allowed to do. They are oppressed.

Like it's not something that you should be encouraging i don't think trying to make it like fashionable where some woman wearing a hijab now you it's got a nike brand on it you what do we now think oh she's fashionable she's got a taste for fashion like no like she probably still wouldn't wear that if unless she had a husband or some man or social structure in her life that was forcing her to so it's just gotten a bad taste in my mouth i'm kind of with you like so there's a part of me that gets where people are coming from when they defend like the you know islam or whatever they it's like look i i'm just trying not to put rules on you if that's what you want to be then you be that but at some point it's like no no no no You can't just be that and accept it as okay, right? And I use this example all the time. In South Africa, when there was apartheid,

no one said, yeah, you just be you. I'm not judging, et cetera. Not for one second would they put up with black people and white people not being treated equally. But you go to the Middle East and men and women are not treated equally. And it's like, well, it's cultural, you know, that's the way they like it. I don't want, who am I to meddle in what you should be doing? Like,

look, women can't fucking drive cars. You know, like that is, and you know what, Woody, they don't even want to drive cars. Like,

as a matter of fact, they, they, they really like being chauffeured around. It's way easier. They can't go to the mall without a brother or a husband escorting them, but I'm sure they don't want any kind of free. They don't mind that because why? Obviously they want to spend time with their family and it's or a husband escorting them, but I'm sure they don't want any kind of freedom. They don't mind that because

obviously they want to spend time with their family and it's just a good family. See, you can defend it in any rigmarole way, but at the end of the day it's like, okay, so if your reason for saying this is a good thing is that some women enjoy it, and that's even already specious.

Who knows what the percentage of women who are Muslim out there who wear it because they enjoy it versus wearing it because they know that they... Who knows what percentage of those North Koreans we see screaming and crying in the streets actually believe in the great leader, right? It's like glorifying the shackles of a slave.

It's a bit analogous to that, right? It's just this object of restraint. There were probably a very small percentage of slaves who liked their situation, who said, you know what? Life is so simple for me here. I just work on the field. I never have to worry about food, clothing, et cetera.

Right? And then assigning that, you know, 0.5% and say, you know what? Some people like it. These other ones, I'm sure they're fine too. Maybe they still don't know how good they have it or whatever that they used against uh making slavery illegal is that people who were proponents of slavery would say it's actually better for them they like it they wouldn't be able to handle themselves it's best that we just keep control

because we all know that they couldn't possibly be members of society alongside us normal folk like that was an argument they fucking used against slavery. And it's like, and you look at that now and everybody sees immediately, yeah, that's fucking bullshit. Of course, that's bullshit. Or you could say, look, when slavery ended, there were a couple who sort of stayed on that plantation. Said, I don't really know what to do next. Suddenly I'm homeless and hungry. And can we just keep this deal going until I get on my feet?

They didn't all just immediately run away and start businesses you know so so yeah yeah but that I don't know the whole thing is it's people are trying I think just like

everything people try and make it more dicey than it is because people desperately try and defend uh the hijab in a lot of reddit forums and whatever where like if you see stuff like a like a thread on reddit about it it'll be people like totally being like well a lot of people you know they they're fine with it they actually enjoy it they customize it and bedazzle it and it's really a part of their personality i mean women wanting to do their hair and show that off what culture does that exist in aside all the others like that's crazy why would they want that like it's yeah i don't know it's just a bad taste in your mouth because you know that most people wearing those are forced to wear those but someone said hey i this. My idea of femininity is not wearing a bikini.

My idea of femininity is something different. I'm struggling. And it was like, all right, I get that. I get that. I can see how somebody wouldn't want to wear a bikini. I would feel very exposed in a bikini. Don't know why I'm okay in a swimsuit, but whatever. I hear where you're coming from.

But you don't wear a European-style swimsuit, do you? No, no. Exactly. I did when I competed, but... If Southern Baptists... What do I do now? Right, right. If it was like a new thing...

What are you comfortable with now? If it was a new thing coming out that, you know, the Southern Baptist Church, you know, was going to be like, you know, we need to get back to our roots. Women will all wear bonnets. Exposed hair is not allowed. That is tempting. And it is we need to keep ourselves pure of those thoughts. So, you know, do your part to make sure that the men aren't so tempted by your uncovered head that they molest you or something. Everybody would immediately go, yeah, no,

fuck you. Not gonna happen. You can't do that. You do see that with Mennonites, right? They wear those little hair covering things. They're sort of dressed Little House on Prairie style. Why do they get a pass? Why do they get a pass?

Amish have integrated themselves into the modern world better than any closed sect, cult, whatever you want to call them, on the planet. They are the antithesis of the fucking Taliban and the Muslim evil, the ISIS out there, groups like that. The Amish are over there just doing their own thing, right? Farming, living in the old way, not giving anybody any shit. They see pornography and lust and rape and murder and violence and evil everywhere they turn their their eye but they don't think that the answer to that is cutting heads off they think the answer to that is staying true to what they believe

and and just living that life right yeah i would assume you're not savagely beaten or punished when you dare to remove that bonnet i'm just saying that well i know we all know but like also look you can leave the amish religion right you can get shunned and stuff like i get that there's issues with the shunnings and they have but yeah have you seen that that documentary about like how young amish have that period where they choose whether they want to go into the modern world. The one I saw was a little faked, I think, but there might have been a real one too. The one where he ends up, like this kid had went away from the Amish place to live, I don't know,

with some other hooligans who had also left, and he's playing PlayStation 2, and he owns drug dealers' money for pot or or something so he has to flee back to the amish like place and he's in like a barn i think he was either a barn or his bedroom but i want to see a barn with a 12 volt battery hooked up powering a playstation he's out there sneaking some ps2 with a fucking 12 volt and he's like it's not the one i'm having to come back the one i saw was like a reality show where they had i think two boys and two girls and they would like take them to Vegas and show them the lights and they'd be like totally shocked and amazed at it. Then they'd take them somewhere else and like take them to a wine tasting.

I don't know. I'm making it up at this point. You've heard of Amish. And it turns out that these people had like, most of them had, they weren't in that year. They decided to leave. So they were Amish people,

but like, Oh, this is an Amish person that's lived in vegas for four years pretending to be blown away by the lights and that was the fakery although it was the amish people what did i what did i oh have you ever seen amish mafia which is an extremely fake show well i just happened episode of that and it made my teeth when i was in l.a one of the ladies who was working on that movie also worked extensively on Amish Mafia. She was a higher up.

She made decisions. She was a dom. Yeah. Well, no, no. She was explaining to me how fake it is and all the horse shit that was in it. Yeah, we did, Woody. And just talking about how horse shit it was, basically, and how they made it all up and just trash TV.

So here's a question for me. Woody, how come you started doing YouTube when you already had a family and a full-time job? When you talk about the early days, it seems like you had two full-time jobs. What was your reasoning at the time? I think he's on the right track. I didn't actually have two full-time jobs

unless you count one of them as YouTube, at which point, yeah, that's how hard I worked. Like I had two full-time jobs. I don't know. I think I had a lot of success early on and it was funny it was that starter success like oh my god like i made a post on reddit saying they were talking about weapon balance or something and cod 4 and i was like hey i made this video and i instantly got like that went from like four subs to 42 subs like i got 38 subs in a pop and that felt like

such a huge win like people loved it and um you know then i think i did made a couple more videos did a thing with wings and i was just succeeding at it and that kind of bred a passion for it and uh you know i eventually i initially started the video i've said that 100 times to play with hutch i just wanted them to know me so i could play video games with him and uh but the reason i kept at it was because i guess it was intoxicating to be successful at it and um uh yeah i remember i got a machinima contract and they were like monetizing my personal channel and after the first week i like sort of ran the math on like how much money i was going to make over the course of a year and it was five grand and i was like yeah i remember this i remember us doing this all together and

wings by far had the superior numbers yeah and it was very frustrating i think probably to you as well it was like motherfuckers making nine grand a month like why am i not making that yeah and i realized like because wings was when wings at the time was much bigger than me he was making more videos and he was getting more views per video but five grand a year like i was like i thought i was something and five grand a year you know i i was a senior software architect at cisco like i wasn't i was making money. And five grand a year was not changing anything about my life. I was like, so what I need to do is make daily videos. And daily videos, I mean, that was just the ticket.

One, of course, I went from a video a week to a video every day. That's like seven times as many views. And then two, i think it just became easier for people to get into what i was selling because every day they could get a fix whereas like say what i've done with my vlogs this year when one pops along every three weeks it's not like people are like oh you know i can't wait for when i get home today my routine includes a woody vlog like that you know you got to have a little more consistency so uh yeah the daily vids worked out for both of us and i just kept doing it because i was so

in love with success and um you know it's easy to be motivated when things are rocking like that yeah when you're getting a lot of responses and activity it's like you want to keep going and it was so positive too like i'm i would say that my YouTube comments are pretty positive right now. You know, I've always gathered, it seems like more than my share of people who want to fuss. I remember there's one of these questions is about Kyle reading the ads or something. And the reason Kyle, I used to read them at first if people don't remember. And I asked Kyle for help because I used to make the PKA background, the red thing that you guys are looking at now with the ads on the side. And it took me a little while.

It was just like a big kind of rush to create the little rectangle 16 by 9 thing and line them up. And people would give me – there would be like 40 comment threads on Reddit and stuff talking about it being a pixel off. They'd take the show and they would put guidelines on it and say that this ad was literally one or two pixels bigger or shifted compared to the other ads.

And I'm like, my goodness gracious, the smallest imperfections. And Chis took it over. He does a better job than I ever did. So my pre-show responsibilities are a little lighter now than they used to, but Kyle just kept on reading the ads. But anyway, the comments on my videos were really positive, and the growth and, like, everything was just going so well,

it makes you want to do it again the next day. So that, I think I answered the question. Why did I do it? Yeah, that's why. And then at some point, I guess I asked my wife, I was like,

you know, make more on YouTube than I do at work. Like, do we just not work? And someone once said like, you are as lazy as your wife allows you to be and um uh she was like well how about this how about you make two videos a day and then like we wouldn't even miss the income from work and i was like okay i can do that and i did for a while i made two videos a day no

one really does that like i don't know anyone made two videos a day no one really does that like i don't know anyone making two videos a day gaming or any other um like genre of youtuber if they are they're not working as hard on it as you did they're like they're like hey here's to me at the mall yeah later sponsored by sketchers it's 85 grand for that can you believe it i watched a video the other day it was a cooking video and i'm like i was learning how to cook um uh like this braised i made this beef stew thing where you like braise this huge chunk of beef and then you you like put in a slow cooker all day with potatoes and carrots and shit and i got to the end of the video and she goes keep in mind

to use like whatever kind of like detergent in your dishwasher use these because it gets all the stains off and nothing will stick on and i'm like whoa and i looked at that and it was like 1.8 million views and i was like she got fucking paid like she just made some serious money over there i was i was immediately happy for i was you know i'm not gonna buy your fucking detergent but like i'm glad you got yours over there. You taught me to make my beef stew. Yeah, I never lined up with the money-hating thing. When I see people, I watch the Motovloggers a lot,

and the Motovlogging community is very out there about, like, hey, get your Woody's's gamer tag brake fluid cozy and and it looks like a beer cozy but it goes around this little brake fluid reservoir and uh you know get your t-shirts get your keychains get your whatever and they just pop it right in the middle of the video like like randomly almost and uh you know it's just their money streams are really out there really obvious they never disclose that they They have relationships with the parts they're installing. And I still don't have any hate for it, and other people don't hate it. But back in the gaming, when I was in there, my God,

Keemstar made probably six or ten videos about how I just did it for the money. And he would try to whip up various facts and stuff. And that was- He was making those videos for free, of course. So he might've been, he was always like monetized, not monetizing. He was struggling to- Well, he had a goal in mind.

Yeah, well, that's true too. But yeah, it was just poison to have a profit motive and you know one of those things like if i say hey kyle why'd you get a camaro and you say oh well you know i always dreamed of having a camaro i really like fast cars i uh i don't know like it it fits in my garage just perfectly and chicks dig it and then someone like just picks the reason oh you got it because chicks dig it and you're like no all those things were true that's what my motivation was like it was like yeah you know i i really like it i get to meet people i still really enjoy like the access like it i feel like i could pop on a podcast like i popped in that motors blog going a while back and

um if i pop in a twitch stream or something you know people want to talk to me like that stuff is really intoxicating it i think i'm using that word right it's it's makes you want to do it um and then and then it made money too and uh and then i felt like subs would just be like aha see it is the money one that's the truth behind it and uh if you're like no no no the money is great like i don't mean to act like i you know chuck's even now like if you got extra send it my way i'm pumped well it's never too much yeah right yeah but um uh you know at the time they would just be like aha see it really is because of this and they'd pick my actual motivation when in reality there are half a dozen motivations it felt good to be uh just to be thriving yeah so we'll call it a wrap yeah yeah i really enjoyed the show i thought i thought it was a lot of fun i really enjoyed our guest um yeah um it's probably the

show happens it sounded good yeah me too there's probably some links or something down in the description for where that guy – I want him to have what he's going for. Remember he said Rogan, he can just say here, then there will be a swarm of fans everywhere in the world. I hope that John gets that too. Yeah, yeah. So stuff in the description. Very funny too.

Check out what he's doing. And – Sponsors below down there. Those important, of course, course patreon all the pk merchandise um so many important links so many like you know these are life or death links delicious links down there um and thank you for listening clicking on the links makes your penis longer i enjoy i enjoy talking to you guys let me ask you when you guys do the show do you ever consider the masses who are listening to it?

Do you ever picture them perhaps? Or do you just try to imagine a conversation between the three of ourselves but try to make it a little more entertaining? How do you approach the show quickly as we close here? I'm just curious. So Joe Rogan has this concept of economy of words. And if someone takes 500 words to say what someone else could say in 50,

then they haven't done a good job, right? Privacy is the soul of wit. Thank you. So see, I think you just did it to me. And so when I tell stories, I think to myself, Woody, are you doing this in a straight line? Are you telling this right?

Are you going? And I just want to make sure that I'm not dancing around too much and not crushing it. I feel like I'm not crushing it right now. And that doesn't help. Yeah, so that's the kind of stuff that runs in my head. Yeah, episodes. Yes. 325.

325.