Painkiller Already - Painkiller Already #336

Episode Date: June 2, 2017

This week on PKA, the infamous Dick Masterson is on PKA and what a hoot it was, the guys talk about Dick's appearances on Dr. Phil and some of his other pranks, deformities that make you uncomfortable and "death by huge junk" kind of speaks for itself. Top 10% episode, sit back and enjoy the show!

Kyle nailed that. Alright, PKA episode 336. Our guest here is Dick Masterson. Kyle? Three sponsors tonight. We got Smart Mouth, Lyft, and MeUndies. It's MeUndies. Alright. It's MeUndies. So, we got Dick Masterson, someone I've wanted on the show for a fucking long time. He's got an excellent podcast over there, TheDickShow.com. I know not everybody's familiar with this shit.

Dick, first of all, thanks for coming coming on thank you guys for having me this is this is like a whale oiled machine watching three guys cooperate to make a podcast happen that's foreign to me only used to active sabotage on a podcast in constant conflict this is refreshing I keep that behind the scenes. There's just a real knockdown drag out before every show. Yeah. It took me a while from watching the podcast you used to be on, the biggest issues in the multiverse or whatever.

Yeah, that was it. It took me a while to realize that drama between you and Maddox and arguing, that wasn't part of the show. That was him not understanding things that you were saying. And it took me 10 to 20 episodes to figure that out no uh if you want to jump right into that I'll tell you that that podcast came about because we would have we would go out to lunch or whatever and uh we'd have those arguments and I was like look man I'm not having these arguments for free anymore we gotta put this on the internet and try to monetize it in some way because this is just a waste of time like I

don't get anything out of this I know he doesn't change his mind so it doesn't matter nobody does the last you ever meet somebody who changes their mind on something just give them a car like you know what I've totally changed my stance on abortion you're right here you can you the key. Here's the keys to my car. You take it forever because you're the best person in the whole world. I never do that. At the very least, if someone changes my mind, I wait a couple weeks and then take credit as being a changed man. It's easy to look down on abortion until you need a couple or three. And at that point, you're like well this is a right we need to protect we need to hold on to this like the the flag in one hand like your

rifle in the other and then the woman's right to choose just hugged with both arms yes a couple of mangled fallopian tubes in the middle it's very easy very easy to be anti-abortion until uh until you're in dire straits yeah and you're like well you know so i'm glad a couple scientists It's very easy to be anti-abortion until your entire straights. And you're like, well, you know, I'm glad a couple scientists forged this path. Yeah, it was scientists, I'm sure. You're right, it was scientists. I imagine beakers and lab coats figuring that one out. Yeah, we won't go any darker down on the abortion.

No, we can save that for at least an hour into the show. Yeah, you don't want to leave it at that. I got you guys off on a bad start, I apologize. Both hangers and tears. So the way that a lot of people come across you, at least on YouTube, searching Dick Masterson, it shows your old trolling of Dr. Phil, Tyra, all those old shows.

And this is in recent. This is like 2007, 2008? Like that kind of area. Yeah, that's 2008. Can you yeah can you walk us through that was like being on those shows and having to basically protect semi pretend with all the producers and all the other idiots on the on the programs oh my god so that's a it's a i could talk about that for hours um i have a you know i have a podcast i got a patreon behind it one of the episodes i just tell the entire story of dr phil um but that was plug little pluggerino there uh i had been doing the men are better than women website for a long time as a satire like i

think i think now when you look at it it's obvious it is. But it started when there wasn't even a Facebook. Like, 2005. People didn't, nobody knew what the internet was. Go ahead, what was that? To be fair, yeah, it also seemed to start, you were one of the original trolls. Not an internet troll. You were a television troll, sort of, right? But you're one of the original internet trolls, for sure.

Back before people could spot them. Nowadays, it's easy to spot the troll he's they're just hyperbole you can't believe how ignorant he is about a topic you're like oh let me set him straight but yeah the original i think trolling too used to mean there used to be more of a it used to mean something now trolling means you just act like an asshole and people get upset but when i at least when i least when I did it, I wanted people to be able to look at it and say, no, that guy's not an idiot. He's making people who are idiots react to it in such a way to expose themselves.

Because they're hiding, the idiots are hiding among us. Like pod people. And you can't argue with them because they argue just like normal people. You've got to bait them out into just starting to froth at the mouth. And that's when they start changing, like that Rick and Morty episode with the brain parasites. That's when they show their true colors. Like, aha, you are arguing with a cartoon character on the internet. You are the idiot. That's what trolling... You gotta give somebody a way out on trolling. There's always gotta be that little shred of disbelief in your trolling. You can't just go out and say... And just take the most horrific position on something possible just to piss people off. That's not trolling to me.

It might be funny, but it's not trolling. That's what trolling is nowadays, it seems. Yeah. Where it's just people who aren't ballsy enough to commit to a joke. And so they go, okay, if I make the joke under the auspices of trolling, then I have a free out when someone goes, that wasn't funny and it's not even clever. You go, well, I was just trolling. So actually, you're the fool for engaging me. And it's like, what? No, no, you just aren't confident and it's not even clever. You go, well, I was just trolling, so actually you're the fool for engaging me.

And it's like, what? No, you just aren't confident enough to make a fucking joke, so you hide behind your lair of trolling. Yeah. That's why I started doing this site. It was so rewarding to see people absolutely lose their minds. I had some article

on menarebetterthanwomen.com that was the most asinine article title possible was the top 10 reasons men are better than women. And it had 120,000 comments on it. People sitting there. This was back when that meant

something. It might still mean something. I don't know. That's a lot of comments. That was back when people were less hardened to clickbait. Because top 10 reasons men are better than women is the 2017 title of something yeah yeah as far as using something to like coax out an idiot um uh now i guess ex-girlfriend of mine bought me your book a year or so ago and we would have it out when people would come over just like not not you know coffee table just kind of on a shelf somewhere and it was it was guaranteed like i would forget

it was there because just another book on the shelf but every time girls would come over they would immediately notice it and if they were drunk they would open it and immediately expose the fact that they had no understanding that it was satire. They'd be like, look at this. Look at this whole chapter is called Women Can Barely Read? I'm reading it right now. This isn't fair. There's an infographic of a woman struggling to read.

And it's just like, God, you really don't get it? Well, you're really clearly labeling yourself as someone who can't take a joke and isn't fun to be around. So that's second level trolling. That was great when i just had the website um i bought the website because i worked at some startup company where uh it was right when domain names went from being like 80 bucks to 15 bucks i don't know i feel like an old grandpa telling this story like back in my day domain domains cost 80 dollars um so everybody in the office went on this offensive domain buying spree.

And I bought that one as a laugh. The same thing happened. My buddy, my life coach, every time we would get in new mixed company, he would drop that bomb. Like, hey, this guy owns menarebetterthanwomen.com. What do you think about that? Sure enough, somebody would always bite. There would always be a conversation starter. Yeah. Yeah. But did it help you weed

through people like if a chick heard that and she gave you a laugh or a certain response where you kind of like alright you've passed the first preliminary test it still does everybody's got weird reaction to it like tinder coming along made it painfully obvious the different stages of reactions women will have, and anybody for that matter, but specifically women will have to the website and to the book being around. Like there's the immediate recognition of it as a joke, the God tier. And then there's the, I'm willing to tolerate the joke. And then there's the, And then there's the, I'm willing to tolerate the joke.

And then there's the, I need to explain it in terms I understand. Like, okay, I can see how you're actually doing this. It's actually very feminist. All right, well, whatever you need to call it. It's a joke. So you're saying this happens when you meet a lady and she Googles your name to see what you're all about and she finds men are better than women.com or whatever? That is a point of peril. The bigger point of peril is when their moms do it.

Ooh. I dated one girl whose mom already knew about me because she was a huge Dr. Phil fan. Which was fun. Not going well from the start. I just watched a two and a half minute video of you Talking like faced it like in a private conversation seemingly with dr. Phil and he's just like well Why are you taking these positions like he just doesn't get it? Dr. Phil no no we're a troll cuz I like I saw him he's like people are gonna think this is a plant

But this guy is legit It was really weird Sorry, I interrupted you. what was the rest of the question that was really the end of it like i i want to know if dr phil was going along with it or where he is on the spectrum well and as it turned out at the end of the dr phil show which i was on for like five days i think when they aired it it was obvious that he would make the most money. He would make way more money from that than I ever could because all of my quotes were the lead-ins, like all the ads on the radio, which is like, you got to watch Dr. Phil to see what this son of a bitch has to say.

It was me saying a line that I would sit around in my, I had like a, lived in a frat house with two other guys being 25 years old and we would get shit faced and they would tell me what topic to use for my article that I would have to write that night. So I'd be like, all right guys, give me some, give me an article for men and women. I got to write it. I got it Monday, Wednesday, Friday. I got to write it. My roommate would say, uh, do, do all women are lesbians. Like, all right, My roommate would say, do all women are lesbians? Like, all right. I got to write that somehow.

So I would write it, post it. And that would, like, it was just, it was nothing. You never thought the internet was permanent then. Now you get shit on the internet. It's like piss in a swimming pool. You know that shit's not going away. But back then it was like, this is just, I'm just stapling this on a telephone pole in the middle of nowhere. It's never going to matter. It's never going to affect my real life.

Then I'm on Dr. Phil, and he's reading, you think all women are lesbians? And I'm like, fucking Jeff said that, Dr. Phil. Like, I didn't think that. And so I'm sitting there. I'm like, this is 60 fucking million people watch this shit internationally, and I'm defending my drunk idiot roommate. Like, there's another one, women don't believe in magic. The same guy. And I'm defending my drunk idiot

There's another one women don't believe in magic People would comment about how I'm an idiot because I because I'm saying that women think magic is actually real. That was the surreal moment where I felt like that. I felt like the man on the other side of the moon, you know, the loneliest man in the world, because I'm like, nobody else can appreciate the joke of this except for me. Are you married? I'm just hoping that you're married all this time. No,

probably not. No, I had a great girlfriend that we practically lived together. She loved it. Great, beautiful British girl. Very classy. But yeah, no, I wasn't married. I don't know how that rumor got started. Somehow if you google my

name like Google suggests says dick masters in space and then it will pop up married I'm like if so every single chick who's ever googled me that I've been dating the first question so are you married or what what's this about my god thanks Google thanks a lot for the continued cock blocking look that's all about people everywhere wondering if a man like you, if there's a woman attached to the most misogynistic man in the world. That's what that's totally about. That's the number one thing on their mind.

They're like, is there a woman who's on board for this shit? Because someone's reinforcing these ideas. I get that you're a public figure, but is that a thing that everyone worries about? Like if you're not known at all, people Google you and figure out what you're all about? Is that part of dating now? Yeah, that's definitely part of dating now. Oh, all kinds of shit comes up about me. Yeah, it's not.

Woody's gamer tag's daughter calls him out. Stuff like that will be top of the list. Yeah, but you don't have an article, Woody, called Women Take Candy from Strangers that says the top three ways to get what you want from a woman is to be rich or famous, insult her, and withhold attention. I'm going to check out my pop-ups. The best part of the way you did it was that you'd have ridiculous shit where you'd say, like, all women are lesbians. It's a fact. It's a fact it's a fact take my word

for it also the fact that women should be in the military are you kidding do you want them coming to your door with as a fire is burning and raging in your home and you'd be like oh my god that went from ridiculous to really accurate really quick yeah so i can't get think the whole thing is ridiculous but that's that's the best kind of trolling i think is when you say ridiculous shit but you pepper in just enough of reality that they can't discount the whole thing, but they have to pay attention. I think that's what makes it satire. I don't know if everybody's familiar with the modest proposal.

I forget, Jonathan Swift wrote it. It's one of the first real examples of that kind of satire. It's in the 1700s i think he proposed he has a modest proposal for fixing uh poverty in uh i was in ireland his modest proposal is that the rich simply buy the children of the poor and eat them and it's two it's two kills two two birds with one stone because it fixes poverty and overpopulation and a food shortage. And he says, like, obviously it's completely over the top

and barbaric and horrifying, but then he peppers in, like, real... It's like, no, but there's a real class structure. It would work, though. Yeah, but it wouldn't work. Here's why. Because there'd be much fewer poor people, and there'd be a whole generation less of poor people, in fact.

And all the poor people that remain are no longer poor. And the rich people, I mean, hey, they could afford a few babies, right? Yeah, that's so, you know, that's, I think that's a key difference for something being satire and just being like a joke. Wouldn't it work better if instead of eating the children, they just bought the children and then made them their children instead of reproducing it all? If the rich people let the poor people have the children and then they bought those children instead of having their own, wouldn't that? Then you've changed it from eating them to slavery and it's just kind of become... But wait, there's another aspect Kyle might be thinking of. What if it's possible that the rich people are rich because they're genetically superior and you were

just destroying the gene pool by having the poor people replicate or reproduce and the rich people raise them? Then you just see things... Okay, let's go down that eugenics path real quick. That's possible. Welcome to Painkiller already. Of course we're superior. I looked up Woody's Gamertag on Google

The type of heads are Woody's Gamertag Wiki Which has something to do with this show Woody's Gamertag Address Which docks me I suppose Woody's Gamertag Twitter And Woody's Gamertag Net Worth Your house is a Google location though

It is Somebody made it the Rape Squad Killers Headquarters. That looks nice for trick-or-treaters, I'm sure. We haven't had a single trick-or-treater. We had one trick-or-treater. He fled in fear. No one has ever...

Two years in a row now, we've bought... So I have a big house. And because of that, I buy the big candies, something that would be appropriate to come from the house, like the full-size Snickers and stuff. Like they worked the whole driveway to get there. You might as well give them a big payoff. Exactly, yeah.

They burned two or three Hershey's Kisses just getting through the fucking house. You've got to give those kids a fucking Snickers bar or something, or it's not even worth it. It needs to be. And also, I like trick-or-treaters. I want to see their costumes and stuff so hopefully they remember me and like oh that house looks us up. But we have never had a single person

walk up our driveway. I was thinking about taking the golf cart like to the busier neighborhood and giving them rides to the house but that seemed like pedo behavior and I didn't do it. Absolutely pedophile behavior do not do not take your golf cart to a neighborhood and uh requisition children do not do that we could

load up the bag it's like a gateway to a rape van it's a big windowless van like well i can't fit all these kids in the golf cart i meant i need something bigger than this what how about like tractor rides on a trailer like Is that pedo also? That way when a six-year-old falls off and goes under the wheels, they'll take everything you have. Don't do that. No matter what vehicle you use to pick up the

children, it's still creepy because when parents take their children to do a hayride, they go, alright kids, you hop up on there and you enjoy your hayride. We'll be right here when you get back. And they go on their little bullshit route and that's it like no parents are going to be enthused to see some freelance wagon rider out in front of their home requisitioning children to hop on board like it's it's just a real rough you know what give it a go give it a go let's see how this pans out yeah i don't think anybody's coming and and to be honest

the first thing would be that it's it's tagged as the rape squad killers, I don't think anybody's coming, and to be honest, the first thing would be that it's tagged as the Rape Squad Killers Headquarters. I don't get my candy or take my children to places called that. I do see how that's a drawback. We had the same kind of huge driveway, no kids ever. When I lived in that same house I was

talking about earlier, we'd never get any trick-or-treaters, but I'm the same way i i want to give the candy out i want to pretend to be in a norman rockwell painting like i want to live the dream of finally giving of being the person to give the candy out so i always stock up we never got anybody um my roommate that guy jeff he was he was like a candy fiend and also obsessed about fitness. Like he had anorexia big time. So after every Halloween, he would see the huge pile of candy

and have these like agonizing moments of himself. He's like, I just, I can't eat. I can't eat one more Hershey's Kiss. I can't do it. Okay, I'm going to do it. I'm going to give in. So every year I would buy more and more candy, knowing that we weren't going to give it away,

and just sit there and watch him for like a month beat himself up over the candy. He couldn't resist eating, because nobody else had a sweet tooth, so it was just his stupid ass. It is a little embarrassing, as an adult man, having your big vice be candy. Where you're like, oh god, nothing like a Twizzler to set me off. Really? Not a cigar or something? Twizzlers, okay. I think that's me. I would take a Twizzler over a cigar

or beer or anything else in a heartbeat. I try so hard to enjoy cigars. I only smoke them when I'm around other people smoking cigars. And everybody, I can't tell if everybody else is pretending that they're really really liking it or i'm not quite getting yeah they are the only cigars that i got really into a cigar kick uh uh at one point i i still have my humidor somewhere and all my cigar

choppers and all the paraphernalia that comes along i have a one-time humidor where's look at this i set it up once and then all the cigars go stale. Oh, well. This is my cigar lighter. So everything's in one. You've got a punch here. When's the last time you smoked a cigar? I don't know.

You get the punch there that extends out to punch the end. I think he dodged that question. He dodged that question. I should let him. I haven't smoked a cigar in a very long time i smoked some cigarettes with chis when i was in colorado um but yeah and 250 i was very into cigars at the time um and the the nicest ones that i've ever discovered are the uh they're about as big around as like your i don't know your pinky finger if you've got man-sized hands. They're like little cigarillos and they're cherry. I got them from Vegas and they were

like two bucks a piece and I really, really liked those more than like the $40 and $20 and $30 cigars that came in these presentation cases with wax literally melt. There was a wax seal on them that you had to break that was actually... Did you say cherry cigarillos?

Yeah, yeah. What say cherry cigarillos yeah yeah what uh what brand sugar swisher sweets they were not swisher sweets they were very they get a nice black and mild cream to wash it down with no i did not no no but i i tried the nicer cigars i just couldn't get into it i i don't have a taste for that it seems um no or wine i never really got into that either. I think I'm just looking for the ritual. Like, that's what I want. I want, like, a Barbie for men.

That's what cigars... Like, I want to buy all the clippers and the choppers, and I want to know all the details about the taste and the way they wrap the cigars, but then it comes down to actually doing them. Like, I don't want to smell like a cigar for two weeks thank you very much i'll pass so bad i remember being that you were have you ever gone to a cigar smoking like lounge or room or something like that where it's just full of dudes in there just obsessed with the smell of this big log of

moist tobacco yeah i have been there with my dad before and i was like 19. He was like, hey, come to this whatever. It smokes cigars with me and some friends. In your head at 19, you're like, wow, this is going to be like top businessman talking shop figuring the world out. It was just a smelly, smoky room with a lot of overweight white guys.

It was like, oh, this is kind of a really nice one in Florida once and there were hot chicks in there. I was shocked. It was like, this is kind of an interesting evolution. I went to a really nice one in Florida once, and there were hot chicks in there. I was shocked. It was like, this is like a... They were into the cigars. And they always got the big cock-sized cigars, and the girls were all over there puffing on those cock-sized cigars. And we're all over there like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

She could really puff on a cigar. They make cock-sized cigars? I think they only make cock-sized cigars i think they only make cock size cigars they may only make cock shaped cigars but like i said those cigarillos we were talking about those swishers yeah yeah i couldn't get into that and it was always obnoxious if you're at like i used to play poker a lot and there was always this one guy who was in our group of maybe 25 guys that I would recognize who would show up at the place to play he smoked a cigar and it would be the end of it would be like unraveling like the leaf and it would be like hanging off and he would be gnawing on it he'd gnaw on the back side of it until it was mangled and flat

and all chewed up and gristly and uh it just stunk. It smelled like moist leaves burning slowly down. And it was just two seats away. And it was just oozing stink the whole time. You always loved it when that guy was out of there. And I was like 12 years old. We were taking a flight. It's like a family vacation. And I was getting on the plane.

And it was probably fucking southwest where they just shuttle you in like cattle. And you sit wherever you can. And I sat next to this enormous piece of shit fat guy who had a cigar in his mouth. A giant cock-sized cigar, as Woody would say. And he was gnawing on it to the point that my mom was like, you're not going to light that next to my son, are you? Because I'm sitting way back there. And he turns and he goes, with it still in the corner of his mouth. He just rolls it. He just rolls it over in the corner of his mouth, he just rolls it. He just rolls it over to the corner

of the other side of his mouth. And he goes, oh, ma'am, I never lied to him. And he was like, what? So you just, he goes, I just like to chew them. So you just chew an entire cigar and basically consume it like some animal. And he did. Over the course of this

whatever fucking 14-hour flight to Hawaii, just chewed the entire cigar and ate it. He couldn't stop eating long enough that he took a non-food item and ate that. Think of how fat that is. I don't know much about this, but I can't believe that he consumed it. But I know that usually when they're chewing on them, because they're wrapped in Tobacco leaf you know they're absorbing the nicotine like straight into their mouth like like

What's sublingually right through the skin or into the end of the mouth so there? You know it's like chewing tobacco a little bit right yeah, and he had like the totally Schwarzenegger lights those things either You know the way like wildling teeth look in Game of Thrones where they like open their mouth And you're like what the fuck is going on like gray tinges and orange his mouth was like that but it was like 2006 i want to talk about bad teeth at first say has anyone else watched fargo season three not yet oh not yet so season one is excellent as everyone knows season two was a kind of a let down at least it was for um but it was it was competent um but it was good until the ufo hit that was like the first or second episode and i was like what what is this yeah i agree season three is quite good i'm about three or four four episodes in and there is a character

in there i'm not gonna give any spoilers but there is a scary british character in that an older man um who is anorexic so So he gorges himself at every meal and makes this gigantic breakfast. And then he'll go to the bathroom and vomit. That is bulimic. Bulimic, I'm sorry. Yeah, I was like gorging himself as an anorexic. I'm confused.

Carry on. And his teeth are all rotten and broken apart. And they are so scary. I noticed his teeth from the first scene. And I was like, what the fuck is up with this guy's teeth? And finally they explain it and it's like, yeah, those teeth are like as ugly as they are they're also intimidating.

Those are scary teeth. Well, you said he was British. Yeah, he's the main bad guy. I was fucking with the British teeth thing. That too. I just found a picture of him. I don't think this gives anything away onto the show. It shouldn't.

But if you saw on Twitter like, new politician comes out against or for Brexit, and that was the picture, you'd be like, yeah, that looks about right. That's about what I picture. It took me a while before I believed that guy nigel farage was a real person and not just like some stock photo beer drinker where yeah just choose him but yeah i need to watch far is the whole season out because netflix doesn't um so i i bought it

last night like i bought the whole season and there are five episodes out currently netflix doesn't do it that I know. I could be wrong about that. I thought it was FX. Where do you buy your shows? I bought this on my – I use Amazon Fire, so it probably came through Amazon. I'm not sure. Probably – I just – I searched Fargo 3, and for $25, you can buy the whole season, so I just did that.

And five episodes are out, and I'm really, really liking it. The main guy this season is Ewan McGregor, the guy from Star Wars prequels and a lot of other stuff. He plays two different roles that are twin brothers who are, not twin brothers, not twin brothers, an older brother and a younger brother who look very much alike, I think.

But one of them is very much balding with think. But one of them is, like, very much balding with, like, long, stringy hair and overweight. And the other one is an N-shaped rich guy with, like, a big, full head of hair and young and, like, energetic. And they're completely different characters who are opposed against one another. And at one point, he impersonates his brother.

It's a very good season. I'm digging it. Now, does he do a better job than the nutty professor of playing multiple people? I would hope so. The first nutty professor, I thought that was okay, right? Okay. But when was the last time you watched him? Yeah, back when Kyle was seven, he thought he put on a convincing performance.

He didn't even know that they were the same guy. Mike Myers is pretty good at that. There were a lot of people who even, like, remember the Austin Powers movies? Like, I remember a couple times being like, yeah, yeah, he's playing all those characters. Like, no, no, no, no, that's a big fat guy. Dude, Dr. Strangelove blew me away. Like, I thought that, I didn't know that was all the same guy until, I don't know, my 20s. I still am not quite sure

how many characters he's playing in that movie, and I've seen it twice. All of them, even the woman. I'm going to rewatch it tonight, then. I had no idea. I knew he was playing a couple because I was like, oh, man, that's him a couple times.

That's one of my favorite movies of all time. Even though it's black and white and everything, that's an excellent movie. Maybe it was just what I was doing when I watched it, but I like everything from that guy. It's good stuff. Do we have a topic we want to go to? Let's go to mine.

This one's kind of a winner here. We were talking about it pre-show a little bit. So there was a murder suspect in Florida, and he used the big penis defense and it worked for him. Let me see. He claimed that he choked his girlfriend to death during oral sex and to bolster his defense, his lawyers filed a petition to show his penis to the jury. And the medical... The medical expert testified that choking during the sex acts was unlikely, but they never ruled on the request

to put his dick on display. And I think the core takeaway is that's not the way he died, but that is the way that he thought that she died. Or it's at least the best defense that he and his legal team could come up with. I mean, that's probably the best way to look at it. They said the body of his girlfriend was too decomposed to tell if he fucked her throat to death. Oh my God. Where does this approach come

in? Is your dick too dumb to know there's a dead girl in the room? Like how long did this go on with him fucking this girl's mouth until he realized that she was decomposing? I need some more background here. It seems like he's saying, oh, yeah, I fucked her to death, and then a week went by. You know how it is.

I got busy. Got busy. So was this his alibi? Or was this the... Who's floating the theory that he had... that his dick was so big she choked on it in the first place?

It seems to be his attorney. No, the defendant. The defendant was insistent that she choked because of his... you said the attorney. His penis. His dick was unusually large and therefore a threat to her life, I guess. And then he had to show them and they said, no, sorry, it's not.

My dick has been declared a lethal weapon in 37 days. You got a class D license, bitch. You can't suck my dick without a trucker's permit or whatever the fuck gotta get your cdl to handle this you don't want me to drive on the road trip i have to stop every 80 miles and weigh you know yeah this uh but i mean really the picture of this gentleman doesn't betray someone who would be too concerned if he choked someone to death one way or another. Oh, that's not the first woman he's choked to death. That's a scary dude. That is.

You know what I bet happened is they knew they were going to get off, and this asshole was like, before they end this, can you put in a request to let him show me my cock? It's going to be fine. I promise you're going to get through this. But, dude, I'm hired to do it. Yeah, you're going to do this. You're gonna get... But dude, I'm hired to you. Yeah, you're gonna do it. You're gonna ask him if I can show my cock to the juror. And they eventually let him man. Very tactical.

I'm gonna have a hard time on the dating scene. We gotta get the word out. And juror number 13. She's looking nice. She's an alternate. Whatever. I feel like he'd have a little more swagger in this picture if it was true. And he actually did have a dick this big. He looks like a homeless Mike Pence in this one. Well, that's his mugshot, right? Yeah, he's a sleeper. He's a sleeper.

You gotta drop his pants today. Have you guys ever heard of the Shaggy Defense? The Shaggy Defense? Is it like the Big Penis Defense? It reminded me of it. The conversation's flowing this way. So the Shaggy defense is it like the big penis defense it just it reminded me of it the conversation is flowing this way i so the shaggy defense is based on the shaggy's a reggae artist and he had a single called it wasn't me and you guys might remember it like but she caught me on the counter it wasn't me she saw me banging on the sofa it wasn't me i even had her in the shower it wasn't not it's quite a long song so so anyway this it wasn't me

in the in spite of like overwhelming evidence has now been called the shaggy defense r kelly used it i was just looking it up he he did yeah when he pissed on that girl yeah that that young teen girl that underage teen girl that r. Kelly, I believe I can fly, pissed on. And recorded the pissing. Yeah. Kyle's right. They're like, yeah, R. Kelly pissed on that 14-year-old girl.

And then he fucked her. Then he fucked the shit out of her. He statutorily raped her and urinated on her. He was a willing participant in that video. Statutorily rap her and urinated on her. She was a willing participant in that video. Statutorily raping, I said. That's pretty much sex with underage kids. But yeah, and then he peed on her. And then he just said it wasn't me in spite of overwhelming evidence.

The shaggy defense. Yeah. How did that pan out for him? Because I have no idea how that... He's still selling records. That's how it panned. Maybe he knows something we don't. That you can...

How to get away with peeing on little girls? Well, not the little girls part. Oh, the singing part. Maybe there's something to that peeing. Who knows? Water sports. You know, just like Trump's so into, of course. You know. So like Trump's so into, of course.

So he got off because the girl in the video also said that wasn't her. Of course she did. Oh, okay. She had to be so dumb to say that it was her. R. Kelly's over there. Tell them. They brought on to the court. They present 15 friends

testified that that was indeed her. And it was on video. But since R. Kelly said it wasn't me and she said it wasn't me, it got off. It was it. They shot it on VHS. Remember tracking on

VCRs? You had to mess with the tracking. It looked like somebody It was it shot it on VHS and the track remember tracking on on on VCRs you had to mess with the tracking It looked like somebody hadn't got a random just right it's all Grainy and stuff you could tell what's going on very I have it nowadays that just holding that on your iPhone They'd both be in jail. They'd be oh yeah birthmark. It'd still be a vertical video though, so Over there everything yeah yeah some high quality camera work you see today i i appreciate that when we watched those uh those turkish bodyguards beating up those protesters last week you know you you called it out that's excellent i suspect that was a real cameraman that was too good to be iphone footage it wasn't even

bouncy perhaps yeah oh he definitely had a stabilizer like like 100 he had like you know that that floaty thing that you have sure he had something like that going on because there was no like there was none of this or that it was all floaty i really appreciated him filming that whole turkish bodyguard versus american citizen fight that way because every time there's another fight where they're like oh huge riots and calamity in wherever the hell, and you see it and it's somebody's shaky camera, I get the feeling that like, you know how the battle scenes go in Braveheart

where you can tell it's just like a couple of guys swinging, not that fast, but the camera's like shaking so much and you're up and down and like it bamboozles you. That's what these riots are like with the camera. It'll be like four people fighting, but some guy's dancing around shaking his camera and making you feel like it's the middle of this giant melee. Sometimes I throw that shit in a video editor and stabilize it just so I can

develop a better opinion on it. Like usually it's like a cop shooting or something. Like the cop is screaming, like stop resisting. I can't tell what the hell's going on. Cause the camera's too shaky. Fucking premier pro warp stabilizer will fix it, and you can render a proper opinion.

Suddenly you see the cop needlessly jumping around. Stop moving! Stop moving! Sometimes, yeah. They are one to do that. Kyle, did you have a topic you wanted to cover? Which one would we like to go to? So I have a couple here. Texas approved hog hunting from hot air balloons big fan of that uh there's the

congressional candidate who body slammed the reporter last night and then i have and then of course i have that article about uh your buddy that we've talked about before this uh from the denver post here man in demonic clown makeup now accused in killing lived in a dark fantasy world friends say i just we can go i just realized why you called him my buddy because i have that clown friend because you have that insane friend who dresses as a clown yes why does he dress like a clown to bring joy to children i but he's now hold on now when you know pat adams dressed as a clown to entertain children that gentleman has many photos of him in public with other adults dressed as clowns and they're just

chilling by a scary van and stuff you know like they're not a kid he bought an ambulance and like redid it as some sort of zombie chasing vehicle uh and the straps yeah and he has like he has like brass knuckles tattooed on his hands and and he would wear his hair in like a 18 inch mohawk like he really committed in his day job he's got to do something with this mohawk and he he was uh he's outstanding clown really scary pretty like uh pretty fun looking small bouncy guy around like hanging out hanging out with kids or mime he's like six three and six three and massive and he's got like a six six six he like installs hardwood flooring for a living like he's kind of as far as you know okay what's this what's this powerful grown man dressed as a maniacal clown with an 18-inch mohawk who loves entertaining children.

Yes, yes, that's my friend. Hey, kids, I'm the Antichrist. Do you guys remember his clown name? That's not my clown friend. It's on the tip of my tongue. I forgot his clown name. He does have one, though. It's like Deadshot or something.

I forget. I really don't remember. Like, oh, fucker. I don't't know yeah it it wouldn't help my case but he's a really nice guy because like i i knew exactly what kyle was talking about when he said your friend the clown because i remember talking about the clown thing and us all disagreeing about because i don't know if you remember the story a few months ago, Dick, where it was just clowns meandering in woods near populated areas

and just like standing creepily on the corners of... Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was a huge thing and we were all disagreeing amongst ourselves. I, and I believe Kyle agreed with me, said that it's really creepy and that they were not trying to cheer people up. No. I mean mean they were cheering me

up i thought it was funny as hell that's fair the genuinely nice guy i'm sure but the the funny little thing about this is those scary weirdos to like go out and they're like a creepy clown just to be a creepy clown because it's it's fucking creepy um the people who dislike those people like turned on woodley's friends facebook group right like he was getting pressure and being like associated with the scary clowns you can't imagine why like not all clowns kind of yeah exactly that is facebook yeah so he was always like man these guys are giving clowns a bad name there's good clowns like me out there who are just you know being unfairly stereotyped right and meanwhile he looks scary as fuck he's like this is ah i wish i could get his name i'm

googling i wish we could get another picture of him because i remember when you were describing him to us i was really giving him the benefit of the doubt like like oh maybe he's scary in the same way that pennywise is scary but like a human where like he's just big and scary looking but he's got normal makeup no like look yes that's the look of a man who wants to scare children oh yeah I'm gonna be real like if that guy like comes to my window real quick at night like you just kill him no like what he's always like is like hey if there's a person in my house they don't get a talk into I don't care just bang bang bang bang that's the answer i'm not so hard-edged but if i see that guy that guy better not need run out of gas near my home because i see him and i am

immediately up into like up up to 10 i'm ready we're escalating things there's a monster outside i've never seen anything as scary as that man in real life that's all dressed like that then you can't be mad at people for not wanting to come near you, not wanting to reach out, not wanting to be sociable. Because you've already put up a wall that says, like, I don't know, it's like a built-in defense almost, of like, I'm a really sweet, kind-hearted, nougat-centered kind of guy, but no one will ever know it because I look like a rapist. His clown name is Punk, I found. I looked it up.

That's not so bad. No. That's not so bad. That's not so bad. It's more the outfit. That clown scare thing produced the funniest thing I've ever seen on black Twitter. On Reddit. You ever go to that?

Yeah, it's great. It was a picture of a tweet, I'm describing a tweet, a picture of a tweet the girl said, So are these like, are these real clowns or are they just people pretending to be clowns? And the guy goes, bitch what is a real clown? Like they got day jobs as clowns? Like are they making fucking balloon animals? Like, are you terrorizing the neighborhood still in the same shit? And I get her side of it.

Really? I don't see her side of it at all. No, I get it. Because it's the same way as, like, is this guy a real ice cream man? Or is he just luring children to their deaths? Like, some of those people don't have ice cream in there. And they're not real ice cream creams men you know in the same way a real clown is one who would like pop in for the birthday do the balloons make them laugh a not real clown is one who yes it evaporates

into the ether and a not real clown is one who just wants to scare people yeah i think yeah i don't like uh like what's the juggalo what is the name of that band oh yeah yeah the insane clown posse he looks like one of those folks if they're around that's probably an older Like what's the juggalo? What is the name of that band? Oh, yeah, yeah, the Insane Clown Posse. Insane Clown Posse. He looks like one of those folks. If they're around, that's probably an older reference. There are still juggalos. And even more shocking than the fact that there are still juggalos, there are still juggalettes or juggets or whatever they fucking call themselves.

There are hot bitches at those guys' concerts with their faces painted ridiculous and then naked. Out there with just body paint on or just a G-string on and pasties and stuff. Really hot chicks are into those two overweight, disgusting old guys with clown makeup on. It's shocking. I saw their appearance on the Stern Show. And of course, they like Detroit like scary hardcore rappers Right and this guy on the radio is like nah, you guys are fucking punks I'll come in there right now whip your ass and he's like yeah. Yeah, come on and he's like I'm here and they're like

Man, we're entertainers, right? We're entertainers putting on a putting on a you know, entertain fans and and we should have and Stern of course is putting them He's not the nice guy. He's like, well, we've got them downstairs. Should we bring him up? Should we bring this guy up?

Boys, you guys are hardcore. He doesn't know who he's messing with. Am I right? This is the insane clown posse. Oh yeah. Let's get him up here. And of course,

knowing that like these guys want no part of the random deep voice coming over the phone. Who's downstairs wanting them both. And they just random deep voice coming over the phone who's downstairs wanting them both. And they just totally reach them out over the phone in front of, I don't know what Stern's audience is, you know, 10 million people or something live. I googled Jugettes. Not all hot. Not all hot. No, not most not hot. It turns out Jugettes tend to have a sweet tooth, I would guess.

Oh, I see. Woody, you don't think this chick with fake vampire teeth and a tongue piercing at the top who has the biggest crazy eyes I've ever seen, you don't think that's hot? That's not your type? The one drinking the soda? The one who's gesturing to her tongue with her middle finger

and popping a squat on the very top in the high heels. The one in the very ladylike position? Yes. Don't see her. There is a tiny thing. If you click the Vice article, she's the one right there as you're looking. Oh, I see. She's got all spread eagle.

It looks like she's got that thing that people do where they sharpen their teeth. You've all seen Nat Geo. Yeah. They've got that thing where people sharpen their teeth. You mean they're fucking crazy? She's still doing that shit. She thinks it gives her strength and back.

I will say, though, she's not fat. No. You've got to have a restricted diet with those teeth right it had hurt like hell to eat fucking like nuts or anything tough right she's got to be on a liquid diet with i would imagine that the teeth are just open right like i've chipped teeth before and that chip is so uh sensitive right like cold water ice cream anything is just ah fuck and i'd always get those chips like fixed right away i don't think too much sensitivity is on this gal's mind no she seems pretty yes pretty occupied with meth she's like the meth takes care of that

100 i hate a pint ice cream like it's nothing no big deal yeah these are i just think the juggets were going to be a a classy group i just remarked that it's surprising that there even are juggets if you know anything about the insane clown posse and or their music didn't they get classified as like a gang by the fbi or something like that something like that one time i don't know if it went all the way through but like there's talk of it or something yeah, I felt I remember feeling really bad for them when it happened like oh, come on. We're FBI We're just making fun of them. You took it way too far You know now they just write a song about how they're a terror group or something that's that street creds they want that

Oh, I think along those lines Yeah, yeah, what would the insane clown posse something so stupid that you can't even believe it's a thing more street cred than like the fbi being like oh yeah we've labeled them a a danger to society and a terror cell like like the american isis yeah no that's the uh the westboro Baptist Church, right? You know, I always thought they were a scam. Like, I thought, I don't know if you guys, I don't know if anybody wants to talk about the Westboro Baptist Church, but I always thought it was just them going around trying to provoke

getting assaulted so they could sue. Really? See, your troll meter is too sensitive. Is it? You think they're that stupid? And they just go for, worst possible people to rub their religion in their face? Or not people, but the worst possible opportunity? You're making me self-doubt.

Now I'm wondering if my troll meter is too numb. How do they benefit from it, though? Because I thought that they're a family of lawyers. I thought that the guy who runs the church is a lawyer, and everybody under him is these scumbag ambulance-chasing lawyers, and they go to places where they know emotions are going to be as high as possible. They take fundamentalist Christian positions because they can, it lets them say horrific things, and then they wait to get assaulted and then sue.

That's what I thought. Because the other way, I mean, maybe my troll meter is uh as you say woody too on a hair trigger but i heard that once and it made it made sense to me that they'd be doing that i've heard that too i just linked an article about it where they basically just bait people and make money off because they are all attorneys there was some like youtube documentary from a few years ago that interviewed one of them like one of like the head ladies or something like that who is the one that like is on the screen being like bananas batshit crazy you know yeah the daughter and when they asked her questions about certain things like when they got into like

the legal part of interviews the the crazy person was not erratic anymore. It wasn't like, oh, well, I'm just, you know, the thing about that is you're going to go to hell. And you're not coming over here to my place and fucking gays or, you know, fags or whatever she was saying. Like, that part was gone. Yeah. The legal part came in. It was like, all right, I'm going to be careful about what I say and move it in this direction and that. And it was a lot more tactical.

And so I can definitely see where it's coming from when craziness turns off that scene. Yeah, Jeff Foxworthy's got to get him on that Do You Know the Bible show to see if they're actually Christian fundamentalists. Is that a real show? I think so. Do you know the Bible? I've only heard the

fifth grader thing. Let me see. I've got to look that up. Do you know the Bible better than a fifth grader? I can't be a show. Taylor, you could do well in that. I would definitely do better than a fifth grader in Bible knowledge. Yeah, boys. The American Bible Challenge.

Where will you see that? France and Missouri. Game Show Network's The American Bible Challenge. I would get my ass kicked. Setting records in its first season. The Bible-themed game show is a competition where contestants try to win money for knowing the Bible. Wow. I want to hear more about Dylan Lavelle at some point.

For knowing the Bible with Jeff Foxworth. Who would have thought? 2.2 out of 5 on iTunes Apple Store. That's not their demo. Hyper religious Jeff Foxworthy. Is he hyper religious? I mean he must be if he hosts a show called The American Bible Challenge.

I don't know because the Westboro Baptist Church apparently isn't even that religious. Maybe just a way to make money. I don't think Mr. Foxworthy is nearly as calculating as the Westboro Baptist Church. I'm sure there's still some blue-collar comedy money rolling around. Pat Sajak isn't a spelling bee.

Jeff Foxworthy is incredibly wealthy. Let's see what he's worth. I bet Pat Sajak can spell real well. Let's guess. I'm going to say Jeff Foxworthy is worth $22 million. I bet Jeff Foxworthy is worth $150 million. How? Numbers?

I'm looking. Taylor, Dick? I'm going to go $100. Alright. $130. I came in way low. $100 million. $100 million. What did I say?

I think you said $100 million. You said $150. Yeah, Dick said $100. That's good. Oh, man, look at this. If you scroll down on this richest page, look at that Bill Cosby picture. That redneck joke is a $100 million joke.

There's no denying that. He was producing that whole blue-collar comedy thing, right? That thing was huge. That thing was bigger than Jeff Foxworthy ever was. I remember when I was a kid, there would be a cassette of Jeff Foxworthy or something. You might be a redneck laying around. But when that blue collar thing took off, everybody was into that.

That was a big thing. It blew up Ron White's career. It blew up all those guys that were attached. Larry the Cable Guy. You ever heard Larry the Cable Guy's real voice? Yes. No, I don't. Wait, what is he?

He sounds just like a normal dude yeah he's accentuating the accent yeah big time i figured that but he doesn't he doesn't become like quaff and cultured all of a sudden i wouldn't think much more well spoken and and not a dummy at all um oh well i wouldn't think he's a dummy anyone who gets that successful parlaying the same three jokes in different orders has got a lot of talent that way. I never paid attention to the Kardashians. Now, this will come as a revolution. Some of those girls are a revelation, are very good looking.

There was a – they came – there were two of them in a thong on a yacht today. And one of them is in her upper 30s. And they were like perfect specimens. One of them is like a WNBA player. Like a WNBA player. Talking about Kardashian girls.

Which one? Chloe, I think, is OJ's daughter. One of them was a Jenner. Yeah, well, Kendall Jenner is Bruce's daughter. Comes from good stock. Good stock, whereas Khloe is OJ Simpson's daughter.

You probably don't know that. A quick Google search will prove that I'm correct. And the others are supposedly Kardashian's kids, right? Yeah, you're right. I don't know that. I believe if I was in a Kardashian that wasn't kim in the elevator i wouldn't recognize them kim on the other hand i you have to know her i think you're lying um the the real card yeah uh kim is very very short like like i see her i yeah yeah really short i saw her next to uh kanye

and their wedding picture and kanye is really short, I think. I bet Kim is 5'4 or something. What does it say on the internet that she is? I don't know. There's a picture of two of them standing next to Sloth from the Goonies. I found the picture I'm looking for. 5'3.

I'll have it queued up in a second. Yeah, that's what Kim does. She knows how to take the picture to get the ugliest sisters right next to her, so she looks better. Yeah. That's her move. It's almost like she positions herself like that so that you see that her face is the proper aggregate of what theirs could be.

But if you take the worst of the worst. You know when you do those things where they take the same half of your face and replicate it to make you perfectly symmetrical? And you're, like, you're either, like, wow, I look quite a bit better. Or if they do it with the wrong side of your face, you're, like, god, I got a fucking pointy nose. Like, that is exactly what this shit is. She's got her big fat... I bet she parades around the big fat sister all the time. Big fat.

How old is this link? I mean, I didn't check. check i'm pretty sure that like yes it's 2011 i don't know these girls that i'm i saw today they are like they are very fit are those the card this article is about her being fat this is this article is about her dropping from a size yes. Yes, Kyle. I googled which Kardashian is the fat one. Well, this article is about how Khloe lost a ton of weight. Yeah. Where's the after picture?

You probably saw Kendall. There's a picture in the Skype chat. The underaged one. Oh, tell me I just... No! One of them was like 39. Which one? I don't think that's accurate.

Kim's the oldest, I think, and I don't think she's 39. She might be. Let me... I don't follow the Kardashians at all. I think they're human. 38. Kourtney Kardashian is apparently 38. Kourtney Kardashian is apparently 38.

They'll be not famous anymore in just a few years. That's absolutely not going to happen. Increasingly nervous man says for the seventh year. They're too smart and they're too well represented. It can't keep going. Your dad is now a woman. It's going to go forever. It can't keep going, you know? I bet if you look... Your dad is now a woman. It's going to go forever.

Yeah. Until he decides to reverse and bail out on that. I bet Kevin Depp has a lot more money than Jeff Foxworthy. Did Bruce, or Caitlyn Jenner, get the dick cut off yet? Or is that the home base that will never be touched? No, no. I actually read that that happened somewhat recently. Maybe a month ago.

I think I read something about that. But initially, he stepped in. Damn shame. Yeah, I would hate to part with mine. I'm a big fan. You don't part with it. You just cut it off, turn it inside out, and stuff it back in. So it's still there. Okay, I would hate to part with mine. I'm a big fan. Well, you don't part with it. You just cut it off, turn it inside out, and stuff it back in. So it's still there.

Okay, I would hate to part mine. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. I would think, like, at that age, even if he's, like, all in on the I'm a lady, you know, I should have a vagina or whatever. When you're his age, you think he'd just be like, you know what should have a vagina or whatever when you're his age you think

you'd just be like you know what in for a penny in for a pound we're gonna finish this out with a dick because it's just too much i feel like too much at his age it might be easier to pass off yourself as a woman right like think about that the bigger one on golden girls right right she was kind of mannish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get deep into menopause and the women get a little more manly. Right? Are you with me? A little mustache.

Caitlyn Jenner could pull that off. It's not the old lady waxing her upper lip. And they're always wearing those shoulder pads anyway. See? Man's a thinker. That's true. Yeah, but not many of them have the frame of a six-foot-tall Olympian.

Olympian. See, that is the crux of this whole thing. Put that fucker on a box of Wheaties, and I know we all know that, but it's worth saying over and over and over again that that guy was on a box of Wheaties. He was an American hero. He was Woman of the Year. And now she is.

Woman of the Year is quite the accomplishment. And beautiful. And then I love the classic joke. Men are even better at being women than women. You know, it's funny. Doing the site for so long and the book, everybody always asks, what about transsexuals? From the very first time I doing the site for so long in the book the only like the everybody always asks

what about what about transsexuals like from the very first time i started this i like whoa yeah yeah but what about what about guys who turn into women what about that what about that like people are so fascinated by it you should say well there are some stupid men all right and that's my next book men are better than some so have you ever had to have a day job, or have you been an entertainer from the early days? I still have a day job. Being a bad guy on the internet isn't like being a bad guy in wrestling. There's no money in it. You put a book, I don't know, is anybody an author on this show?

Nope. Nope. I was a tech editor. Anyway. It seems like a big deal, but most books make a very small amount of money. My website was never one that any sane company would ever want to advertise on. So I just did it for the love of driving people insane. You would think that, like, Fleshlight,

like a product like the Fleshlight or the Autoblow, like a male masturbation product, that would be big on your site, I feel like, because those guys all hate women. They hate them. You capture that market, and I think that would be an excellent spot. I don't know if Dick is familiar with the Autoblow.

Taylor? No, I've never used the Fleshlight. Have you ever an Autoblow? We? I've never used a flashlight. We were sponsored by this thing called an autoblow, which is a mechanized flashlight. It's about this big around. You plug it into the wall and it has these beads.

Some plug that, bitch, it'll shut up. It's got these beads spring-loaded that wrap around your cock, squeezing like a pocket pussy that's then inserted which at the end of this act you'll have to you'll have to remove full of shame and walk down the corridor to the bathroom with like a jiggly silicone pouch with your jizz in the bottom and like quickly turn it inside out and wash it off in the sink when no one's around and they also when when you first get one you know because they sponsored us and so you know you try it and it's like you don't expect the

noise to be as loud as it is like you expect it to be like it's honestly like it's not going on on your dick yes you you turn it on it goes and then like and then like right towards the end obviously you need to up the intensity and so you reach around you and you go Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying Nying I'm having to turn that off and go. That's the worst part, man. The shutting all the tabs down on your browser. Oh, no. Get away from me. What was I thinking for this one? We're not sponsored by them anymore, so it doesn't matter. But I used it a few times and then just threw it away. Because I'm like, God, I feel awful about myself.

Yeah, yeah. I have mine, but I've lost the power cord. And I just show people occasionally to be like, look at this ridiculous thing that I did not purchase. It's $250 fucking dollars, and they sent me this jerk-off machine. Look at this thing. And they laugh

of course. It's ridiculous. And I'm like, no, you haven't even seen the best part. And you plug it in. Because it's turned on, of course. I was using it last time I had it out. It almost moves. It's so powerful. It's an impressive machine. If you're a very lonely guy out there and it's just not going to happen for whatever reason

I would recommend it I guess. It's $200. I would be okay with all of that but I cannot see myself ever cleaning up a sex toy. I let the dishes stack always for, like, weeks at a time until, like, okay, I got to carve out a whole day to get, like, a sex toy. I eat off of those. A sex toy isn't going to be any different.

It's going to be like, it's so disgusting. You're going to get an STD from your auto blow because you don't clean it up. For myself. That's how it started. People have mutated into a macro by phase. Kyle used to tell this story and I loved it. He would use the noise to establish dominance,

right? It's yin, yin, yin, yin, yin, yin, yin. If you open that door, you know what you're doing, right? Don't come in here surprised about what's happening. The whole first floor knows what's going down. Everybody was like, I'm kind of embarrassed by my auto blow you turn it on and everybody knows what's up am i right and i'm just like i like the noise and then they know what's going on it's like a it's like a it's like a loud ice cream maker like rapidly turning or something

it's heavy like if somebody burst into your room as you're using your auto blow and you need a weapon quickly if you just pull it off your dick grab the cord pull that out and use it like some sort of morning star you'll get a couple of good licks in and he won't want to be around as you're hitting him with a false pussy and if they don't know it's not a power tool yeah they don't know they don't know you splash them with that fucking pussy on the inside they're gonna run in fear anyway. You get that out and just turn it inside out and put your fist in it and make it like a grieve. And just be like, come at me. Inside out pocket pussy fist.

Nobody's going to deal with that. That's just like those YouTube videos where the guy goes up and picks a fight with this scary black dude on the street. And then when the black dude's like, yeah, let's throw down. Because he's like, that's how close he was to physical combat with just someone asking to do it. He's like, alright then, let's fucking go. The other guy strips down to a g-string, and he's like, yeah, let's go.

100% of the time, big scary guy will flee from g-string or nude homosexual tendency guy. Like, you don't need to be gay. That's why I say gay guy. If you're just ever in that tight spot where, like, this isn't going to go well, stripping down naked and coming at them like you want to be sexually, like, yeah, punish me.

It doesn't work in Trailer Park Boys. No, in Trailer Park Boys, you get fucked. Mr. Laney will tap that ass. He will pollinate. He will dress you up like a flower, put on his bee suit, and pollinate your ass in a sex swing right away. Yes, you will, Randy. You got the little stamen right there.

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Once again, that's MeUndies.com. Check them out. I like my MeUndies. They're super comfortable. I've washed them a ton, and they still stay together. I've got like seven pairs now. I just got these two. They sent them to me today.

And if anyone from MeUndies is watching this, I know I've said this seven or eight times by now but if you could just send me like regular black or gray or solid color underwear i don't need this and i don't need army men oh i love the army men i have that now i'm still wearing them there's one with like a hot kissy lips or something yeah i got those too. Yeah. It freaks me out a little bit knowing that like – I don't know why. Just like, oh, yeah, Taylor and I, we're like underwear buddies. We have all the same patterns.

I'm pretty sure that those patterns that Taylor is showing off there, they are the patterns of this month of May because I got panties instead of boxers, not for myself but for someone else, of course. because I got panties instead of boxers, not for myself, but for someone else, of course. And they are the same patterns, that polka dot tie-dye kind of thing and the army men. I like MeUndies a lot. I've got the boxers. I've got the boxer briefs.

And I like them both, and I usually don't like boxers. What's the pouch situation on these? I had an underwear buddy one time. I didn't pack enough underwear for this trip I was on, so I had to use some of his. And the pouch he had on these underwear, it made your package look enormous. Yes, please do that. I swear to God, I'm not just selling underwear.

It lifts it up and puts it on display, right? You're not hanging down anymore. You're attached to the front. And it turns out that's a way better look. I am twice the man I normally am in MeUndies. Yeah. That's the ad. That should be the entire ad. Take your junk.

Your dick's going to look way better in these underwear. I think the front should be clear. It's so impressive, right? I have some of those. I've got some underwear that have like an elephant on the front and he's got a trunk and you put your cock in the trunk and so it's just always down there moving.

A little uncomfortable, but hilarious. See, that's very funny, but it's also very silly. These, you get real support on your genitals and you get to look like an army man. And when you take them off at a gym or in public places, you get to look forward to immediately going, now don't pay no heed to this underwear.

I do a podcast and they send me these. I didn't pick this pattern. It's like, all right, we didn't ask. Can we run through fitness talk real quick? I don't want to drag it on like it was politics or something, but I want to do a round table. Taylor, you go first. How many pounds down you are?

You've been cheating? Good? Be honest. No, I've been doing pretty good with the eating. I'm trying to lose weight and get bigger at the same time, obviously, which isn't the easiest thing to do because of physics, but just muscling down enough of these shakes every day

is really getting to where it's the hard part like having to replace so many of what i want to eat every day with a vanilla flavor protein shake that's becoming more and more awful by the day like that that flavor some trying different shit i know you're doing that because you're yeah you're doing like weight gain shakes yeah i'll give you a suggestion that helps a lot with the monotony that comes with the protein shakes. Because like I can taste – I've stopped using milk, so I'm using water. And I can taste that watery taste, and it's just disgusting. But if you alternate flavors, I feel like if you go with chocolate for like three weeks in a row, chocolate – it's like when you say a word repeatedly and it loses its meaning and starts sounding funny in your head.

The taste becomes just disgusting. And if at first you were able to appreciate double fudge chocolate, now you're just dreading it. You know every nuance of that flavor and every texture and every clot that the powder is. Clot. Perfect word. That's what they call it. The clot. Less clots. So first of all, I'm going to get a good shaker if anyone's listening to this. When I was younger, I can remember choking down those clots of protein powder

because I didn't want to clean a blender every time I made a... But now I've got a shaker and it's got the top and the part of the top that just blends the clots out. But get two different flavors and that helps a lot because I've been alternating back and forth between chocolate and some kind of banana cream pie shit.

I accidentally fucking bought banana. I was trying to buy vanilla or some different flavor, and the assholes at Body Fortress or whatever brand it is, they make their, I guarantee they can't fucking sell banana, but they made a ton of it. And so they're just slowly, one by one, remove the banana bits from the graphic until it looks exactly like vanilla. And then people will accidentally buy it when they're just like just slowly one by one remove the banana bits from the graphic until it looks exactly like vanilla.

And then people will accidentally buy it when they're trying to get vanilla. And I did like a rube. Was it worse? It's just it's banana cream. I'm not doing that. I like banana cream. I wouldn't pick that over the vanilla I think. Although of course we're all when we think banana cream we're all I picture like a banana cream pudding or an actual banana cream

pie and of course we're talking about protein powder that you mix with water and then chug down at room temperature so it's it's never quite what you want it's got that froth in the top yeah i you know i switched to just like those what's that here the stella artois where you know they always take like that that that knife and like take the head off you gotta do that with your protein shake Yeah, I've resorted to just taking the powder and chugging water with it And I feel I feel like a drug addict when I do it like when I go to the gym with just that little one Single scoop of any tonneau to or whatever it is create used to be creatine I used to be pounding scoops of creatine, but it's evolved. Every time

I go in, it's something else. I gave up completely on mixing. The pain in the ass it is to scrape the inside of a plastic cup from all the protein was too much. I just said, you know what? I'm just going to do it in my mouth. No one's looking at me. I'm ashamed of myself,

but it's fine. There was a guy in high school. I remember he thought he was hardcore, and he'd take the creatine and put it between his gum and his lip like it was chewing tobacco. And we'd be in class, and I'd look over, and he'd go... And I'm like... What the fuck are you doing, bro? He's like, creatine. I'm like, that ain't how it works!

That is not how it works. And I don't know how it works, but that is not how it works. Well, I'm not old enough to buy a chewing tobacco. I've seen people make, oh, at that age they did. Like, yeah, like in high school, like everybody, like the rednecks, when I say everybody, like the kids that were in like woodshop and metals and automotive, where I like to go because those were fun classes to do. They all dipped and it was kind of, you just let it go because it's not like smoking where there's a cloud of smoke and cigarette butts as long as they have a pepsi bottle to spit into it's it's pretty on the down low and not bothering anyone at all so the teachers would just let it

go on that's still one of my fucking pet peeves because i have a number of friends who dip and i it it upsets me so much when i come across anything full of their fucking spit. You ever drink? Like after they've left. It's gross. They don't recognize how gross it is for some reason. My younger brother did it once and I watched. Oh, Jesus.

That's disgusting. Vomit? I did vomit. I did vomit. I got a little bit of it down, but I vomited so much that none of it remained. My dad has done it twice because my uncle chews tobacco and he had been spitting in a Dr. Pepper bottle that was in a car.

And it was a really hot day and dad's like working and he's like, ah, so thirsty. And I was like, I guess I gotta stop what I'm doing, just drop everything and go get something to drink. And then I saw that Dr. Pepper in the console of the truck and I was like, ah, I'll just have a bit of this and that's a little sugar that'll pet me up a bit and i'll get this

knocked out and then i'll go have some lunch this hot dr pepper that you're only drinking to like quench your dry thirst and it's spit it's tobacco spit and he's just i just bombing it up of course i want to finish the round table pal how, how are you doing? Pretty good. I'm about to stop the awful eating and all the calories that I've been forcibly consuming for the last two or three weeks and go on a much cleaner, lower calorie diet. I'm going to cut down to like 1,500 calories a day or something like that, bump my cardio up, and keep lifting. I think I'll be looking pretty good in about three weeks because I'm up to 186 pounds, something like this, when I weighed myself this morning. I'm up four or five pounds of sustained fat, I think. It's not water weight because it's not coming off anymore. I feel real jiggly. I don't feel like I look good at all, but I think that real jiggly. Don't feel like I look good at all, but I think that that's

a good tactic that I'm using by throwing on a couple extra layers of fat before I start this cleaning. You have to start with a solid slab of marble. I did a bit of shit before I started because I was at 181 pounds at 6'2", so it's

pretty skinny to begin with. We'll see how this goes. I'll definitely get big quickly, as I always do. I feel like I'm good at working out and building muscle. I feel like I'm genetically superior in that way because I'm white. Well, you're certainly better than women. Taylor brings up a good point. Most women, anyway.

I've been doing good. I lost two pounds this week. I had contemplated lying and saying one because I'm afraid that that's just like too high a bar to set for next week like let's take this extra pound i lost and stow it so that if i don't lose any next week i can just come back to the truth but i didn't do that uh i lost two pounds this week which is a first uh dick if you know you probably don't know i've been losing a pound a week for like eight weeks in a row now and until this week where i lost all right so i'm down nine uh A friend of mine, I won't make this paramotor thing, but he has a new wing. He wanted me to try it and tell him what I thought.

And when I went to pick it up, he hadn't seen me in weeks and said I look thinner. So that was nice. And I also started kettlebells. So it's fun. So I bought this adjustable kettlebell. You can take weights in and out the middle of it and change its weight. kettlebells so it's funny so i bought this adjustable kettlebell it like you can like take weights in and out the middle of it and change its weight i looked at so many adjustable kettlebells that i thought its minimum weight was 16 pounds and i knew that taylor had started with

25 this 16 pound weight had me sore and tired and i'm like fuck like that 16 pounds is like a girl's weight like this really sucks like i taylor's stronger than me that's just that's just what and I'm like, fuck, 16 pounds is like a girl's weight. This really sucks. Taylor's stronger than me. That's just what the deal is. But I didn't realize the gap was that. Turns out, the minimum weight on the kettlebell I actually bought was 24 pounds. So I was only one pound lighter

than Taylor started with. And for the first week, I intend to do Monday, Wednesday, Friday, but I did Tuesday, Thursday for the first week Because I'm 44 and that's really fucking old And you don't So you ease into it a little slower So next week I'll go Monday, Wednesday, Friday

And then after that we'll see where we are If we want to change the weight I thought at that age My good friend is that age, he works out a lot And I never hear about his gains I only hear about his injuries and they don't heal they just get cumulative right it's like ah now my knee and my ankle hurt fuck yeah i was doing bench and i you know i fucked up my shoulder and the other shoulder

you know it's doing okay and i'm like i never asked him how much he lifted because i i i'm just glad that he was there doing it and I feel myself easing into that lifestyle. I'm ashamed of myself for my fitness update. I've been drinking a lot and barely working out because now the shoulder has passed from this is a problem that is going to go away to no, this is your new life. Your new life is that – it's like now the – that one's not growing back, buddy.

That one's going to be like this forever, and you have to kind of adjust. Now I'm just going to be doing bicycle kicks at the gym. You talked about a shame to yourself. Like all my new – like I hit 211 today, right? 211 is the least I've weighed in. But that is a number that I should be embarrassed by and would have been just like two years ago. Two years ago

I flip off my scale. That's a thing I do. I hop on the scale and I'm like fuck you, right? The number that I'm excited about I would have totally flipped off not long ago. So this is not a victory yet. It's just you can't weigh 190 without weighing 211 on the way

i said i was doing good i don't know go ahead i was proud of myself at the gym today because i didn't do the cable cross exercise because i knew that it would fuck up my shoulder more and i'm like i'm sitting there going god but i just really want to get a pump in like no no no no just leave you've done your nothing's in pain right now it doesn't matter that the manager knows you were only here for like a half hour they don't talk about that when you leave it's okay just leave so i got in my car you know what you did you did a good job you didn't push it too hard and it's so like it's so opposite of everything else in my life leading up to this moment like it's always been like yeah Boom go what up everybody that 350 baby. Yeah now. It's like okay, so now

I feel like working out is like a book club for me Say okay good job good job. We did it and I don't really I don't know if we achieved anything achieved anything but we were here and i'm very proud of this so let's time to drive home we all at least pretended to read a book yeah i i always feel so guilty when i leave anywhere where there's activity like a ymca or a gym or anything and the guy who was working at the counter when you got there is still there as you're leaving and it's only been like 31 minutes or something you have to be like i'm actually just going out to check my car. Like, I'll be back like any minute. Unless something comes up.

I'm a very busy man. Something could come up offensively on the way there. So I may not be back. You know what? Actually, just punch me out. Just punch me out. Just trying to make something up. I don't know if there's weights or regulation.

It said I was lifting 200, but it didn't feel light. I'm going home to my weight. It's real. These things are all in kilos. There's no pounds on anything. I can't figure it out. I'm going home to my weight. They're real things are all in kilos. There's no pounds Today I don't know you weren't here you can see me here, but I Do an ABC So here at 8 are you here today? Yes ABC as far as you know and I

Thought that I was doing good with eating I I remember last night, something snuck through. I ate a bag, not a family-sized bag, just a regular, not a single-servey bag either. Let's be honest, dude. The full-size that should keep a family okay of pretzels for like four or five days. And I ate the whole thing last night. And I've been doing so fucking good up until that point. I haven't had cheese that's in forever and I yelled at myself.

I did some serious self-shaming this morning before I went in and I really got deep. I don't think pretzels are that bad. I feel like... So I was able to get a girthier grab and really bend over and say, what the fuck do you think?

And I could tell that I was truly ashamed because I wasn't making eye contact with myself in the mirror for the first part of it. Where I was like, what the fuck are you doing? Like a dog. Oh, you're just selling it down the river, aren't you? Oh, you've worked out seven weeks straight, never miss out. You're going to be the fat idiot who doesn't succeed because he has to have pretzels. Fat idiot has

to have pretzels, doesn't he? And I had to force myself to look myself in the eye. And that's a hard look. So i've been disciplined on my diet i've been very good i do get one cheap meal a week i haven't taken it yet this week i'm saving it for my camping trip but um i thought i was doing keto like that was what was in my head i didn't know anything about keto so i just read like the frequently asked questions and was like all right this is the way we're headed and uh it turns out that some of the things I've been eating, tomatoes in particular, are not keto approved.

They have sugar in them, and keto is like really anti-sugar. And so what I've been doing is some sort of cross between keto and just eating clean. And I don't – Tomatoes? Yeah, tomatoes are – That's bananas. Tomatoes, according to this webpage I read, are barely acceptable.

That's not where you're supposed to be. So I don't know if I'll go to – I think I might just keep doing what I'm doing and kind of eat clean instead of like – because I looked into keto more and it's like I'm supposed to be eating more from fat. And the theory is that your body gets burning fat and it just starts shitting and peeing and getting rid of fat, you know, head over heels. I don't know if I buy into that or not. It seems to be working for a lot of people. But if I just keep losing a pound or two a week doing what I'm doing.

Keep doing that. Yeah, right? Well, it's like every time I – It's not muscle, right? I'm lifting. I'm exercising. Please go. Please go.

I'll stop. Every time I see one of these like, well, This is the optimal way to lose weight. I think Yeah, I mean the way to have like your perfect specimen of body is just to starve constantly and then run for 20 miles a day Until the thing that you're hunting collapses dead from exhaustion so like what this weird alchemy you guys are just guessing this dead from exhaustion. So, like, this weird alchemy, you guys are just guessing this. Do you think if that tribesman who was running, you know, 10,000

years ago, the antelope, do you think that if there was a box of Cheez-Its sitting there in the savannah, he would have, like, just kept running? He'd be like, we do not eat this, we continue until we get the antelope and then we bring it back for dinner. No cob in this tribe, as long as I am in charge. It's like, no, of course, if there were tomatoes and Cheez-Its,

they wouldn't have bothered chasing the fucking antelope. They would have got diabetes. I feel like, so what we're doing, Dick, is we're hoping our listeners, or at least the ones that would benefit from it, are jumping on and exercising and eating right with us. And I feel like because I'm a host on this show that I should be like leading, like losing more than turns out being a host not a superpower it doesn't make

you lose fat it doesn't it doesn't help at all of this exercise other than being really accountable to a lot of people I keep hearing like story after story from our listeners I played with a guy last night on battlegrounds who lost 35 pounds and there's been multiple guys about lost 35, 45, 55 pounds. So that's more than nine? Yeah. Like lots of stuff like that. If you go on the PKA Reddit, there's a ton of people

who were talking about weight loss and success. So there you go. You can take – just take credit for that. Yeah, but those guys could have been like 800 pounds probably. You don't know. 30 pounds, nothing to them. You'd be surprised. You'd think.

I would be surprised if they lost – well, I don't know. I don't really 30 pounds nothing to them you'd be surprised I would be surprised if they lost well I don't know I don't really know how this works oh my gosh and I've said this so many times nutrition and fitness advice has changed so much over my four and a half decades that whatever's current just feels like bullshit

that's soon to be debunked as well this keto thing like oh yeah you want most you can eat bacon and red meat all the time, and your body will just pour out fat because it has more fat than it knows what to do with. And I'm like, I guess? Everything else has been horseshit up to now. I guess this will be horseshit in 2025.

It's just like a rebranded and slightly critique or slightly changed like in the early 2000s like atkins was enormous and then they were like how are people losing weight on atkins like they're still eating until they're full it's well i don't know idiot it's because they're cutting out a third of the things that are available to eat they're not eating carbs so of course they're going to lose weight like then south beach came along same fucking thing just a slightly different tweak of how much you're supposed to be eating, but still no carbs. And then Paleo came around, and then ketogenic came around. It's all just little twists on the same

low-carb thing. Those stupid juice diets. Oh, the juice diets are the worst. There's companies that sell a juice that you have to buy and sign up for, and you're like, yeah, just drink our juice, and you'll be fine. All of that shit. Oh, 100% Food, the sponsor we had that dropped us because we made fun of them too bad

all right i made fun of them too bad me it was a stupid product people though have apparently that's good stuff and not good tasting stuff that's different but apparently that's a good product that people are having success with like i read about it independently later on and i'm just saying that because they want sponsored us and dropped us for making fun of him my wife bill like so she got the chocolate and then she like sliced up strawberries and put it in there and like along the ridge of the glass i couldn't choke that shit down it was it was I don't know how to, how is something liquidy taste so powdery? It's like a milkshake that hasn't grown up yet or something.

Yeah, I think it's because they don't put like the emulsifiers that you might find in a normal powdered water kind of thing that help it like dissolve and like become a homogenous thing. They're all super natural and like no additives and stuff. So you're just mixing some sort of powdered food in with water and it just homogenous thing. They're all super natural and no additives and stuff. You're just mixing some sort of powdered food in with water and it just doesn't happen. It always tasted bad. The worst part,

the ones that I had, or at least one of them that I had, had these big seeds in there. Chia seeds. Chia seeds. I don't know what they are. I've never seen a... From real chihuahuas?'t know what they are. I don't either. I've never seen a chia. From real chihuahuas?

Chia. Is that what those are? That's what they taste like. It feels like I'm eating the seeds that make a chia pet grow. Probably. They were awful. And they don't dissolve, of course, because it's a big fucking seed that you can pick out and throw away. When you drink it, like the, you know, like if you drink chocolate milk, the last gulp of chocolate milk is all the syrup and stuff. It's the best gulp.

Well, it's quite the opposite with 100% food. The last gulp is like seeds and powder that didn't dissolve. You really got to work that one. You can replant the last gulp and grow a new shade. They got rid of our reviews. You remember how they used to have reviews up there of uh i think i said they had me quoted on there i said this shit tastes like quick crete and they took it down i guess it wasn't helping sell it's not the not what they were looking for. They gave me so many.

Because back in the day, I used to get most of the swag for the group. And I had like 144 bottles of this stuff. Now that I think about it, I could have made a patio if I wanted to, but I didn't think of it. You don't have to wait for the government to fix potholes anymore. Just take it on your own volition. Yeah. Damn, man.

100% food smooths? Nice. All the seeds float to the bottom and the top is smooth. It's great. Woody, if you feel like you're not living up to your host's responsibility for losing, you've got to pick your trademark muscle

group. Instead of trying to beat everybody number-wise, you've got to be like the traps guy or the tricep guy. The calf guy. Or the calf guy. I'm the curls guy. Are you?

Yeah, all day. That's the only one I'll do. I don't care what's going on. I can do curls forever. It will take a threat of arrest for me to do a leg day one time. But curls I will always do. I haven't told this story in like five years. But here's where it came from.

At the time, I was in like three ice hockey leagues. And I just have big calves like I always have. My fathers are way better than mine. But I've got like unusually strong calves and um I'm a computer programmer and this Indian guy comes up and he sits next to me he works in quality assurance so I assume he found a bug and he wants me to either fix it or delegate it to someone that works for me and uh um he sits down and he's not talking about work at all. He just says, your calves are amazing. And I'm like, what? Like, what is it?

He's like, your calves. They not wear shorts to work because they, it was like computer programmer privilege. And he's like, sometimes, like if you walk in late to a meeting or something, I just watch your calves as you take your seat. And then he wants advice he's like how did you get those calves I don't know I just I like I I walk places and play hockey and uh there is no

like real wrap-up to this story like the conversation didn't end cleanly he was just like yeah yeah those calves and and and like that's where it cuts and and since then my calves like if i live stream playing video games the chat will be like show the cab show the calves and i do i stand on the table show the calves and uh yeah still you still got them i want to see them now let me see what i can do i want to see the calves now. In my country we have legend of calves the size of yours. Sacred cow is a calf is very important. Alright, how are we doing? Oh don't let you fall.

Oh the fucking camera is just...hold on. I'm gonna lower both these. Always with the cargo shorts ready for battle. Those are powerful calves. Those are caber toss calves, man. Oh, you got the ass in the calf. It cuts up into an ass calf. I can only dream of having that.

They used to be better. You got that calf cleavage that people get where the muscle is so big, it's like, well, we can't stay here. Let's just kind of make a heart. We're going to keep packing muscle into this little space. So maybe that's what you do. My father's calves are way better than mine. I was walking behind him at

Disney World once and every fucking step. How old were you? Were you a kid or were you like an adult? Like 35. And I'm sitting here looking at his calves and every step they like unflex and reflex. So they're just like

right? Like every like and I'm just like oh my god like these are unnaturally strong calves. And like people like my calves but they are a diluted version like i've got mom mixed in there if i had my dad's calves they would be unbeatable get resentful about your mom's shitty calves like god mom look what could have been you fat sow taking a little bit of oh it's just she's a normal person.

Like you look up and he's giving you that look over his sunglasses. Like, take a look. Why don't you take a picture, son? His calves go all the way up. So that's my muscle group. Yeah, man. Post your calf gains just only do oh but one other issue like you you might feel the same thing sometimes but like you're on the internet you do something that is good right not great but like hey look i'm good

at this there's always a million people out there better than you Like if I start tweeting my calves I'm gonna get pictures back From people who are really extraordinary Who make my game look weak But Yeah anyway That's my muscle group That's true

When you get to like a critical mass Of any size listenership Or you know base or whatever No matter what you are working towards there's someone out there who is way fucking better at it yeah than you to the point that even when we post this fitness stuff someone in our reddit will be like hey been a fan of the show for a while here are my stats i'm 26 i'm 6'4 i decided to join in your fitness thing, you fat idiots. I went from 186 to 196. Shredded! God damn it.

I'll never even come close to that. It took him two months. And his calves look like the size of a Thanksgiving turkey. Two watermelons. It looks like he has a cramp, but he doesn't. He's just fat. Kyle, you missed it. Dick wanted to see the calves that got up on the chair Spun around

To be honest I had a strong feeling that was coming So I picked my spot carefully You missed out on something special there I was proud of myself today It's mixed I really go back and forth Today was the day I broke two pounds

This week Instead of just one. And I alternate from being happy about that to not being satisfied yet. So that's where I am. Just stay the straight and narrow, man. Like, who's that motivate? Tony Robbins.

Like he would say to do. Is that what he says? Have you ever seen him clap? Have you ever seen Tony Robbins clap? would say to do or is he what he says is he have you ever seen him clap have you ever seen Tony Robbins clap no it's like this it's like this fully open like fingers extending backwards weird like it's like an alien wearing an Edgar suit that watched someone clap and is trying to recreate it without practicing that's how tony roberts but like for a month for a guy whose entire life is dependent on motivation he has not mastered the critical tool which is applause you know what i think he's not good at he's not good at cursing like he has this new thing in his head like the power of profanity and and he talks to people and he throws in like f-bombs and

says shit and fuck and whatever and but there's a couple of things one he is not natural at it right i also listen to this guy gary v gary vandertruck some of you might know him he's a jets fan from jersey i think and and uh very good at cursing it just rolls off the tongue like an art form. Tony Robbins, fish out of water with these bad words. I can tell. I think that's the point. I haven't heard his speech but I bet he's saying something like when you curse it's attention grabbing.

The fact that he's so bad at it amplifies that. That is much like the Trump 3D chess theory. I think you were just seeing things that aren't there. This man is playing Hungry Hungry Hippos. And yet, both people that I've suggested, one of them is the leader of the

free world, and the other one's worth half a billion dollars. Okay, strong counterpoint. Clearly they just fell ass backwards into all this stuff. Playing 1D shoots and ladders. That's obviously what happened. You know, they don't have any marketables. I thought that Dick was exaggerating with this clap thing, but I looked it up and it really is.

Like he, like I just linked it here, he has no idea what the fuck he's doing. It's like he's trying to kill an invisible insect. He just fucking missed it again. It's like how our next Superman has sex because he's so powerful. Like, I don't know what to, I have to control every single moment of this clap. Or else I'll break my own... Or else everything in the room will be destroyed from a sonic boom.

You know, his clapping is weak, but if you go a little longer, like 10 seconds, his jazz hands game is money. You gotta be... Who does jazz hands alone? I thought that was a group activity. Right? No? No, I thought it was jazz hands.

I'm disappointed to know that he's an awkward cursor. Because that's like... It's like when you get... It's like when you're a kid and you get your friend's mom, like the classy one, to curse. Like, oh, you sons of bitches bitches like that one time she would do and you're like oh yeah we really riled her up like i don't want to think of her when i think of tony robbins that's the when she curses that's

when you log away nine years later this is the mom i go to when we want to drink somewhere you know that's she will be down with it yeah so uh new topic yeah all right so i got a guy here he didn't get away with it but so i went to night school for 12 or 13 years something like that and um i had a dream of hacking my grades. I worked with a guy, and I worked in IT, and he billed himself as this elite computer hacker. And I thought to myself, man, if he could just play War Games, that old movie with Matthew Broderick. Thank you.

And give me good grades, that would be worth so much to me. But this guy hacked into the University of Central Florida's computer and changed his F to a B, and he got caught. I bet he wishes he could just take the F. I bet it's not as easy as it was back in school where you just... Like to just shape that F into a B. Like, yeah, Miss Jones is a little clumsy this week. I had a friend. His parents were divorced right so his mom i guess she got the real report card but his father got a copy of the report card and his father was like the hard ass on this thing

so after his mom saw the no he took a photocopy of that report card and then he cut it out so he had he took like a b from his better class and put it on top of a C, or he'd take an A and put it on top of a C, and change his bad grades into better ones by using the same font because it was from a different part on the paper. And then he photocopied it, and he couldn't really tell, and he presented that to his father, and his father was very happy with the grades that his

kid was pulling in school when in reality he was just a cheater they didn't uh safeguard the the forms they used for report cards and midterms and stuff very well so i had a bunch of those and i would occasionally fill one of those out for someone really yeah just give him a new report card a whole new report card yeah because you took you had a thing that you took from teacher to teacher. And each teacher would then fill this thing in with what you'd done for her. And you'd take that home. So I just got this. That was your report card?

They just hand-filled it out and then you brought it home? Wow. Well, I'm sure there was somewhere there were records to back that up. But the thing that you took home to your parents was this report. It was, you know. Did they have notes in yours? Oh, yeah. I would say like Taylor is not double underlying paying attention in class.

He is distracting others. Yeah. Distracting others. Throwing items often. Like little things that they throw big hissy fits about in school. I didn't. I hated that. Did you have cond you have so many from my purse we had we had os and u for outstanding satisfactory and unsatisfactory conduct and i used to pull a couple u's every quarter i would

just be like really i'm that big of a dick that the teacher's like i think if you got bad grades they're more inclined to give you bad conduct along with it. Yeah, they were being addictive fucks, those 22-year-old girls teaching children. No shit. We had those, and I think for some reason those stupid citizenship grades were more important to my mom than I think the actual grades. Really? Like, if I brought home a not, like, I forget what it was. It was satisfactory, unsatisfactory. It was satisfactory, needs improvement, or unsatisfactory.

If I brought home anything in the not a perfect gentleman category, I would hear hell about it. I bet you did from time to time. From time to time, yeah. And I think it was just the teacher giving you a shitty arbitrary grade just to fuck with you like if they couldn't nail you on the grades because they had to hold everybody to a standard it was like i'm gonna give you i'm gonna fuck up your day with a u here how do you like that i bet that does happen a lot more with new teachers than you would think because there's

like a six-year-old in those classes you see that 21 22 year old chick teaching you and she may as well be 50 because you have no perspective but looking around now like when I would see like I see people obviously like five six years younger than me now becoming teachers and it's like you like you don't know how to pay taxes yet and you're gonna go teach these children and and like i'm also convinced that the only reason that i got any behavioral problems is because i was acting like a normal five-year-old boy like any it was like right when add was getting huge when i was about that age in the mid mid 90s where it's like fidget teacher like that first thing yeah yeah like uh riddle it was like, yeah, Ritalin was

big where they're like, hey, you know, Taylor's acting a little bit rambunctious and he has a lot of energy and he's not sitting down and reading this book about two friendly frogs with all the girls doing it. And my mom was like, well, he's fucking five. So yeah, we're not putting him on amphetamines.

Yeah, Taylor likes smashing frogs with bricks in his spare time. So that probably didn't interest him very much. No, no, probably not at all, but that, uh, I'm so glad I never got put on that shit. I know people to this day, I'm sure all of you do, who got put on it, because you're all a little bit older than me, you didn't come up with the ADD medication as much, but

it's a real thing that that shit impedes your actual growth. Like, it was noticeable by the time you got into high school the kids that were on add medication throughout middle school and everything of course they're not eating as much they got no appetite they're glazed over all the time all of them you know with few exceptions were shorter than just the people who weren't on the medications i'm fucking convinced that has something to do with it i don't need any more height it's not going to impact my

height i'm already at my no... No one grows after 44. But if it ruined my appetite, it just shrunk me. Michael Scott, it's not fun though. You should 100% get on Adderall. It will make you more... I always say this on the show,

but it turns you into James Bond. It is the ultimate strip club drug, Adderall. You are more focused and more cool you into James Bond. It is the ultimate strip club drug. Adderall. You take it, you are more focused and more cool than you've ever felt. It's like it removes all the jitters from your

entire body and just slows down time for everything that you have to say and do. It's for a recreational drug. It's the only one that helps you. I'm so glad you brought up Adderall because I've been playing this. This is related, I promise.

It all comes full circle. I've been playing this PC shooter video game and 100 people drop into an island and you play until there's only one left. It's like Hunger Games. And if you're one of the last five remaining, it's really intense. My hands shake.

And I think that's a common thing from watching YouTube videos. Everybody's hands just start shaking and your heart starts racing. And I was just having a real tough time with that because it was happening so much. I took Adderall two days ago and played. My hands didn't shake.

Yeah. My hands didn't shake. It definitely helped. Secret weapon. Yep. Just mortgage little bits of your kidneys for those non-shaking hands so you can be better at your video game until that pans out.

My kidneys are racing my liver. At this point, I've got a death pool for which organ is going to shut down first. Yeah, I've never had that fun experience on Adderall. I've never been prescribed it, but in college, if it was like, hey, we've got a big test. We're going to study all night. Do you want to take one of these like yeah sure i'll give it a go like the whole time like i would just find myself like like the way they depict blacking out in tv shows where the eyelids close and then open and you're somewhere else and i would always be doing something very productive but it wouldn't be it wouldn't be studying like my my apartment it was spotless like like wow

someone comes in here and like yeah wow there's no dust anywhere spotless is in like what the dexter would have left it like after a murder yeah like that level of fucking spotless from it like it i don't know maybe it's not for everyone but it made me so fucking wired so hands sweaty i couldn't like i just had to be fucking moving my hands. It makes you want to clean? It makes me want to just be moving and doing something. Like I just I couldn't sit down and stop. Like when I was studying, I'd like pick up the book and start pacing around like I'm some fucking Baroque intellectual, you know, reading this shit.

I don't even know that I want Adderall. I just want to get the rest of my family on it, right? Like if my wife and kids like just had to fold socks and shit, that would be ideal for me. Dude, we can do this. Look, it's a matter of all of your wife's coffee. Yeah, right. I got a couple thousand milligrams upstairs.

We just grind this up, make a big pitcher of lemonade, and get the house clean. Yeah, if I'm like, Colin, what are you doing? He's like, ah, folding laundry. I can't help myself. That'd be fantastic. Colin will be folding that laundry like he's been working at Hollister for six years.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Yeah. This sounds great. That's actually, give that a go and report back. Report back? Do you know how that goes? I bet it would go well.

Do you want a new topic? There's another drug topic, kind of. I love talking about drugs. Yeah. As long as it's the fun ones. It is a fun one. So this guy has Parkinson's disease. The video, can you see the video?

It's Facebook, but I think it's wide open. Yeah, I've seen it. Okay. So this guy with Parkinson's disease is going to try cannabis for the first time. Are you guys ready to play? Oh, Dick, what we do is we queue up at zero. I know it auto plays. And then

3, 2, 1, press play. Ready? 3, 2, 1, play. Alright, for you audio guys, there's a guy with Parkinson's disease. He's probably 60, 50, I don't know. And he's got it bad. Oh, I thought the music that we're hearing,

that he could hear it too. And he was just jamming out. He's jamming out. He looks like a professional harmonica player in a lot of these clubs. They give him some sort of cannabis drop to take. he puts it under his tongue a tincture and then he's fine yeah hands aren't shaky and after one drop of this stuff his condition relaxes he can talk he's got the munchies i guess um can you believe that that's that's where that helped that dude so that's where i was coming from on this so people don't know i'm not a pot guy um but my

mind is open to this sort of thing do you buy that it might have done that or yeah can i ask are you not a pot guy or are you against pot? Do you think it should be illegal? The first one. I think it should be legal. It's just not for me. Okay. So you see that and you don't say like, because I look at it and I'm like,

that is either an absolute miracle or a little bit of bullshit. So do you think that he doesn't have Parkinson's to the degree that he's exhibiting, exhibiting in the early part of the video? So I don't know. I'm not a Parkinson's expert, but I understand Tourette's. Then I'll feel this.

And I understand that like, you can kind of like hold it back, you know, eventually becomes a compulsion that you can't resist anymore. And you go to the elevator and you freak the fuck out. Wait, but Parkinson's isn't... No, Parkinson's is a neurodegenerative

disorder, so it just means that you no longer have full control of your body. Yeah, it's just firing and you don't want it to. Your voice is shaky and you can't... You're still there and you want to be able to communicate correctly, you just don't have the capacity to communicate. Your brain's just misfiring. And so I think it was probably pretty spot on what they showed.

You do? It should be enough evidence, I think, to legalize this shit. I sent this video to my dad because my aunt... You know this video. Yeah, my aunt has really bad Parkinson's. Like, can't walk some days. She's got a brain implant that they stick a bunch of electrodes in your brain and then they

have a control panel because they don't know what's happening in your brain so they just put them in there and then they test out which impulses will slow down your Parkinson's and then you just hit that button

and after a while that button will stop working because it'll get too bad I sent that to him and the response I got back from them was that that guy happened to respond to it and that it wasn't so far advanced that like at some point it's some part at some point the Parkinson's gets so bad that you just you can't pull it back. Your brain's permanently degraded to a point where you cannot pull it back with something that is a snap of the fingers, like a tincture of pot. I see the children with the seizures. There was a study today that backed up that cannabinoid does treat those seizures like like there was a I'm sure no one's looking into it though. I mean I'll say that like it's

They're cutting open people's heads sticking wires in and I've never and I've seen a lot of studies on that But I haven't seen any studies on well. We just got a bunch of people high and kind of looked at what happened let's start there yeah none of those they need at least a couple of those like it's gonna be it's legal in California now right like recreationally or is it not I don't think it was passed though right I don't know where it is today I thought they was passing Nevada I don't know if it was passed in California. I don't know. Well, it's not going to pass in fucking Missouri for

a hot second. So I just have to hope that Illinois gets it done quick and then they'll have to legalize it or it'll just be a shit show on the St. Louis border. So maybe that'll work out. I just, I don't know. It's going to be an avalanche eventually. Where just everybody has to give in and do it

because they're going to lose out on too much revenue. Think of how much fucking money Colorado is making from adjacent states. Kyle and I went on a trip to Colorado earlier this year, went to some dispensaries and spent money, and obviously it's like a tourist thing now. It's insane. They made more from pot, I think, than

alcohol this year. It's bananas. For the record, I was on target. It passed illegalized in California. I think it was in the same election that Trump won. That was when it passed. Two wins! Two wins. Are you a pot guy, Dick?

Well, I'm a personal liberty guy, so by all God, pot,, whatever, whatever. I want to be doing all the drugs at the same time at all times. That's the cure for what ails me, which is life. So, yes, I'm definitely... I don't personally...

I don't like smoking pot just because it makes me very lazy and hungry. And I just sit on the couch being too tired to get up to go into the pantry to get the gallon size box of goldfish and then sit on the couch and pour them into my mouth um specifically to this video I feel like there's a whole school of of dark arts sciences that I wish were being researched more like pot'sOTS effect on the body, stem cell stuff, like all of the here so far unresearched spheres of medicine that seem like they could fix an awful lot.

I wish they were looking at. Stem cells could not ever be as impressive as they are in my current layman understanding of what they do where like in my head i have stem cells like yeah you just like fucking lose a finger just sticking in a van stem cells and you got a new one oh god damn that sucks a little bit cancer well we don't need that rib and piece of your lung anyway we got fucking stem cells shove it in like eventually they'll be able to do that is it grinder or stator or something like that where they rewire your like gene sequence and fix stuff that way like that that's a cancer cure and a cure for multiple sclerosis i think as well

they do what they rewire your yeah the grinder it's where gay men meet. Dude, Grindr was the first one that popped into my head. It's a high price to pay, but you know. What are you willing to do to cure your cancer? Get fucked in the ass, die. I was just reading about it yesterday. And basically, you've got these things about you that they say they can cure autism with it. That are just genetically incorrect. And then they can just re rewire you i'm way out of my depth here but it's pretty impressive they'll be able to fix existing people make that's pretty cool and then

you wonder like what can you go to the next step like can you reverse aging can you reverse like other defects i'm gonna be so upset if I'm like 76 and we're still getting this shit of like we're getting close like Like we're really getting close to making the average age 112 like how much is that gonna suck? You guys all are a little older than me. So I'll hopefully get a little more time but like they're like that's gonna suck You know, especially, you know, what do you mean? You know 56 years old like you know, 56 years old. Like, you know that it's winding down for you. Like, they got to really start getting those technologies.

I was actually thinking the other day. I'm like 44. Like, you can kid yourself and pretend that's not middle-aged, but I'll be lucky to make 88. Lucky. I don't have any grandparents that were 88, I don't think. Shit. That's 88 above average by that were 88, I don't think. Shit. That's 88 is above average by quite a bit, I think.

I am past middle age. I am two-thirds age or whatever the fuck I am. I was thinking about it. Three-fifths age. I had a birthday recently where I'm like, yeah, I'm quarter age. And I was like, well, not unless I plan on living to 105. And I was like, oh, shit. You're third age.

Yeah, third, I guess. plan on living to 105 i was like oh shit you're third age close yeah third i guess but like i'm saying i got like 40 ish years for people to figure shit out and at the very least like i'll get in on the early level of like futurama head in a jar thing i don't i don't get a really good robot but i get in five of the emotions on this. Do you want to upload your brain yet? I don't know. I'm 76. I think I'll wait for the next model. Are you sure? We don't know when the next model

is going to be. Fine. Put me in this janky ass. Sorry, we haven't worked out the janks yet with joy and contentment, but we've got sadness and horniness down pat. So enjoy yourself in this robot body with just your brain. Well, I can get it, I can, like, upgrade when you, when you invent it. No, you can't.

No. God damn it. All right, fine. Even then, when I think about it, it's like, eventually you're just, you're just gonna die, right? Because your brain is just gonna completely decay and fall apart, and you'll just forget who you are, and that'll be it. Unless they put you in a computer

in which case, is that even you? Really? I would let them do it just in case. Worst case scenario, I'm stuck in cyberspace in a horrible hellish torment for all eternity. But that can't be worse than nothingness, right? Probably. Might be worse. Sounds worse. Maybe.

I don't know. I hope Kyle comes back soon. I hope his fucking identity is gone. Yeah. I don't know. I hope Kyle comes back soon. I hope it's fucking interesting. We lost the guy. Yeah. Yeah. Usually he's back quicker than this. He's usually pretty on point with it. So I had another question for Dick about, so I know where you started out with the whole Dr. Phil and all that.

It was pretty obvious, at least in retrospect with what we know now in 2017 and how satires on the internet has gone that you were playing a character now you're obviously way less of that dick masterson who's going out you know being boisterous like that and ridiculous when do you feel like it kind of became just more i'm just gonna be me and whatever parts of dick are me so be it i'll tell you what i what i think about that um when it was when i first started doing men are better than women it was it was a very different time and i think that now real life has turned my actual real personality into the into an extreme satire like i think now i like just being a regular guy is offensive now.

Yeah. I don't know how I don't know how to quantify that. But I think a lot of people also feel like that. Like just just questioning, questioning a lot of the narratives that you see on television gets you branded, gets you branded like some kind of a blank of phobe um you know i i don't know that there's i feel like it's there's no there's no this isn't a country for old men and if you're like over 30 year old at this point um i haven't thought about it before but when i look back at it i see i i lot of... It seems very easy. Looking back like 10 years, I see some very clear... Like, who we thought were the good guys and who were the bad guys.

But I look around now, and it's like... It feels like chaos. Like, it feels like you could say the wrong thing at any time. It feels like there's no tactics that are barred. Like, it feels like you fuck up one time You're they're going right after your job and not only yours, but the people around you I mean, you know the drama surrounding a show like my girlfriend is a target for a job lynch mob Like people are calling her. She's a schoolteacher people are calling her school and trying to get her fired It's like give me it. Are you this wasn't this't, I didn't think it would get to be this bad,

but it is. And that's due to the Maddox kerfuffle, correct? It is, but it's also this, it's also this need to have a bad guy that people have. Like there's, there needs to be this, there needs to be this evil that people are fighting at all times. And it happens to be, I think it happens to be this this like oh like like the debate

came up is it okay to punch a Nazi and I'm thinking where the hell are there Nazis like it I I've heard about the KKK from from the I haven't heard of any actual KKK people like there was a joke on the Blues Brothers for God's sake but I hate Illinois Nazis but every day when I watch the news it's like all these Nazis are like where the hell are these Nazis you're talking about where do you why do you keep inventing this you guys are perpetuating this idea of extreme fascism uh to the point where i don't even know where this like i don't even know if you're trying to be satirical anymore but you've certainly uh you've certainly done it more than i ever did uh i wouldn't know how to satirize it anymore because i don't know

who i don't know who the i don't know who i would want to draw out anymore i don't know if that answers your question but it's it it's gotten very convoluted to a point where I don't understand it anymore. I forgot the question, but I love the answer. That's the only thing you could do now. You'd have to go completely the opposite, and you'd have to deride and vilify everything that is mankind, that makes men men. You'd have to make the things that most people are okay with the worst.

And I think that that might double back and show them the hypocrisy that they are a core part of their own belief system. But then you're banking on these people recognizing hypocrisy. They won't get it. That's what's fun. That's why you'll have male viewers even though you're shitting on

men constantly because men are smart. Smarter than women. That's what the fun that's why you'll have male viewers even though you're shitting on men constantly because they're you know the men are smart smarter than women that's what the first book was about that's true these are yeah it used to be like when i when i started it dr phil was a clown this was like this was real this the exposing reality tv was was all part of it. And it was a clear goal, but now it's just, now it seems like it's all reality TV. It seems like the fucking news is reality TV. Like, I watch the news, and these people are cartoons in a story that they're telling.

This isn't news at all. And at no point do they even try to justify it as being news um yeah i i don't know i don't know anymore maybe that's just maybe that's a result of no i know what you mean it's like they've people have already made up their mind on what extreme position they're gonna have and to rationalize that position there has to be a big enemy a big foe out there for some people that's a Nazi. And they just have to believe so hard that somewhere out there in Kentucky, there's a real Nazi

that I'm fighting against. Suppressing someone. Sieg, how? If you actually came to the realization of, yeah, there's no fucking Nazis, they'd have to be like, well, I'm being a little bit ridiculous, aren't I? I don't know about goose stepping. We did a little bird hunting last week, though. No Nazis in fucking Kentucky.

And the thing is, there's no organized hate. The organized hate groups, like Westboro Baptist, we were just talking about it. It seems like they're just trolling us. Whenever the news or anyone is perpetuating the idea that there is a big, bad foe of evil and that we need to be looking at it's like well what are they trying to distract us from i feel like we all yeah they do the thing where they describe the kkk for example as a group of like the kkk coming to charlotte and it's like you know you you're you're supposed to envision pictures of people like picking up their children on the streets and running inside boarding their windows windows. Oh, my God, the KKK is coming through.

We've got to be careful. And really, it's like 11 fucking losers marching through, being berated by every sane-minded person around. Being like, oh, fuck you. And they're like, well, what? We need to ensure the sustainment. What's our saying again? It's like, well, yeah, there's a bunch of fucking idiots,

like bad examples of society. Like, it's not a threat. Nobody takes them seriously. Yeah. At all. They're not in hiring positions, typically. Yeah. That's true.

You don't think there's a lot of cis admins in that group? Managers of cis admins. You can become attorney general. Senator. He's probably not a white supremacist. No, he's not a white supremac supremacist no he's just an asshole you can be an asshole without being a racist or a white supremacist that's what people need to understand is like we should hate assholes there should be a big group of people who just hate assholes of all colors and creeds those are the cunts of the world, the assholes. Like, you pick

and choose a whole group and demonize that whole group? That doesn't work. Maybe if we made the assholes wear, like, a modern day star of David. Like, what if there was some way that we could, once we've identified an asshole, if we could mark him in some way so that whenever he

goes forward in life and people encounter him, they don't take him seriously because they know, ah, you're an asshole. Oh, buying one of those up. I want a picture of an asshole with an emerald right here. Ah, the scarlet letter O.

Just the... Or just like give him a fidget spinner. So he doesn't have to walk around with that thing. They self-identify. I did not understand what that was until I looked it up. Do you guys know what that is? Yeah.

Oh, my God. I was explaining that to me like maybe a month and a half ago. They were like, oh, yeah, they're these spinner fidget thing now. And everybody's spinning them. And I was like, oh, okay. And I started looking into it more and more. And there are high-end fidget spinners, okay? Like there's plenty of like 10 $10 pieces of garbage they make things of precious metals and shit that are

hundreds of dollars it's outrageous it's just a silly thing it's that's I I don't want to deride all of you people out there who are sitting there right now spinning those fuckers in your dark little rooms but come on right I mean i played with one for like 10 seconds and it's still i want it back like i still think right now i'm thinking about that fidget spinner i touch going like man i wish i fucking heard that thing to spin around just for like a second i know it's wrong i know it's wrong to think that we had i saw one like so there it was in my house in in my living room. There's a fidget spinner.

And I'm like, Jackie, who bought this fidget spinner? With obvious detest in my voice. And then my daughter's boyfriend is like, oh, I bought it for Colin. I thought he might like it. You know you wish you had one. And I'm like, totally backtracking. Like, oh, yeah, it's great. Sure do wish I had one, too. So we

have a fidget spinner. It looks like a Batman single. It's like when you make... Have you ever announced your dislike for a dish before you knew who made it on a certain Thanksgiving or Christmas? Oh, my God. Those are like the words that you wish you could take back, where it's like, remember to try the green bean casserole, too.

And it's like, all right, let me grab my fucking turkey and this and that and green beans and you take it oh jesus i don't understand these are bad green beans and it's you know your aunt suzy's right next to you and it's the most uncomfortable thing of all time no see i don't i've done that and i had no problem with it and i and i fucking doubled down because people should know if there's a dish that they're bringing every holiday and it tastes like shit yeah double down like if it tastes poorly that's not a reflection on your character as a human being it's not even necessarily direct reflection on your cooking abilities it's like a part of her sense of self-worth is a green bean casserole well then we need to set some realistic

levels for that that is a sad life right now she's thinking a whole lot of herself if she thinks these are good green beans, because these aren't. They aren't. First of all, there's no such thing as a good green bean, alright? Just like a good Nazi or a bad Nazi, there aren't any. There are just Nazis and green beans and that's it. I'll tell you right away

if your cooking is bad, and I'll tell you exactly why, if I know, right? Like I'm not some gourmand, but if I taste if i taste it i'm like oh that's so salty it's awful it's inedible don't do that again like you need to hear that shit you need to hear that shit you need honesty in the kitchen the same way you need honesty in the bedroom and for the same reasons yeah but not with your aunt you make a strong point yeah sometimes with your aunt. Did you make a strong point? Yeah. Sometimes with your aunt. Sometimes with your aunt. Don't judge me. Don't judge me.

I'm not an aunt. Honesty is privilege. That's the definition of privilege. Just keep your honesty over there. I'm supposed to eat your green beans. You're going to get some honesty. I'll be the first one to let you know your food tastes like shit, and there's something wrong with it,

because it's not a direct reflection on you. It's a direct reflection on what you're trying to feed me. And I'm not gonna lie. I mean, I guess I've gotta be more brave in calling out shitty food made by family members on Thanksgiving. Like, see, like, your whole patent speech right here sounds great, of like, you gotta, you're doing it for their own good, Americans love to eat! We love to eat we love to eat thanksgiving you know and we gotta be honest but no it's just in real life it would just end up with one like an elderly aunt crying and everybody resenting you for ruining christmas i mean but not

next christmas right no actually next christmas you'd get a lot of like little notes in your cards where it's like ps thank you so much for bringing up those goddamn rancid greetings. Assuming Aunt Mabel makes it one more Christmas. Yeah. Assuming. Fingers crossed. The Christmases got smaller and smaller. When I was a kid, there were so many of us that we needed three tables, right?

We brought a second big table in, and then there was the kiddie table, right? This big fold-out plastic number. And there were so many of us there. All these grannies and great grandmas and like nowadays like most of the people are dead there's like eight of us left it's so much nicer my christmas shopping list every year it's shorter every year it costs less to like take care of these people at this point i buy two gifts and i'm good kyle you you have have so little adherence to traditional family norms. Traditional family days of celebration and whatnot.

I remember it was either Thanksgiving night or Christmas night that I got a text from you at 6.45, right around dinner time on Christmas, being like, hey, you want to play Company of Heroes 2? No, Kyle, I'm with my family. It's Christmas. And you're like, hey, you want to play Company of Heroes 2? No, Kyle, I'm with my family. It's Christmas. And you're like, oh yeah, I forgot. I just called my dad and told him I'm staying in

and playing video games. What a life. Yeah, we don't do that shit. Yeah, we never really, like, it's just not a big deal. I don't get it. I don't get what we're celebrating. Like, I have family members that I love and I cherish it. No, I don't believe that that even fucking happened probably and if it did he was just some con man or a wizard i'm not sure which i don't fucking care either it's 2 000 years ago there were probably so many cooler

guys than jesus he just had a good pr team that's all there was celebrating his birthday no not a bit no i just had it may 9th was my birthday i didn't do shit i forgot it was my birthday i didn't know until the happy belated birthday thank you yeah i don't celebrate anything um like i don't i don't get it uh thanksgiving you know i'll cook a turkey because that's the reason we cook turkey this time of year and that's the only time of year that i fry a 18 pound bird in my backyard it's just what we do but the rest of the time no no traditions no holidays and we don't get together what about anniversaries with girls you celebrate those no absolutely not i don't know when they come along um okay i don't know when they come along um if i get reminded it's like well what's the fucking point like i don't get it you'll get reminded

and i have any that that whole time like any what? Any rough forget anniversary story? It goes to anyone out there. But I was figuring since you have a hard and fast policy on this, this must have cropped up at some point in the past. I think that the girls that I've dated have all kind of like quickly gotten up to speed with like how I feel about that sort of thing. no bear it the whether or not i celebrate our anniversary or a holiday or b holiday has nothing to do with how i feel about you or that holiday or what that date means if we really boil it down it's just that i think that it's silly to do i don't get making this one day having more revelry on monday because two thousand years ago something might have happened and it didn't even happen around christmas we that's it's just a fucking pagan uh like winter solstice holiday that we moved christmas toward to like to to get more pagans

to become christians like all right neil degrasse titan that's enough about it'll take the two weeks off though right for god's sake just shut up if they ask yes dick where are you on christmas uh you celebrate like what makes you like Christmas? What makes it special? I love Christmas. It's just entirely about family, though. You know, I'll celebrate the shit out of anniversaries, too.

I want those blowjobs to keep flowing. I know how to celebrate the meaningless milestones to keep them happy. I got a big family, though. I'm a family guy. My sister's got kids. My parents live close to me. So Christmas comes around

and it really feels like the one time of year to just recharge and pretend like the rest of the world does not exist. And it's just us in a cave together. I don't know how you guys feel about it um that's what yeah i wish i could put it so well the us in a cave thing is a big deal to me when i was a kid

i didn't really value family when i was a kid going to family events was something i had doing me too or didn't want to be there uh now that i've grown some and then i've lost some too it makes you really value the ones that you've got. That's, to me, what Christmas is about. Sometimes I feel the opposite, though. It's like, man, I've lost a few of the ones I hate, but there's still a couple more family members hanging on by their

fingernails. Coming in all fucking shaky and shit. Somebody's got to put a bib on them so they don't get potato casserole everywhere. She made a dish, but we know she didn't really make it. Somebody else made it in her stead.

They do that shit where they put corn holders in their corn, knowing full well those little hands aren't going to pick up that corn and put it in their mouth. It's just the illusion that you're still eating the meal like the rest of us. Dad is going to cut your corn of cob in half, turn it on its end, and slice all the corn off the cob for you

so you can shakily shovel it into your decrepit old mouth. Now, I never had any... My great-grandma was so fucking annoying. I saw her once a year. She gave me a 20, and that was it. I'm not even sure she knew my name. What a bitch!

My dad's super annoying too. Same thing at 20 every year. Like, just had no, like, didn't like that lady. All my aunts and uncles were. My great grandpa was a super sweet guy, but he got two and a half of his finger. He was a Southern Missouri farmer, and he got half of his fucking left hand torn off in a thresher,

as fucking six percent of the people down there have happened to them apparently you know go into any gas station there's some dude with a missing finger figure and a half but oh god that was disturbing as a kid do you remember the first time as a kid you saw someone with a uh a malformation on their hand or like a just any kind of like i still feel? I still feel the same way I did then. You do? Just immediately with disgust and anger? I was about nine or ten years old. And I don't care if these fucking people hear that. Anyway, some people married into my family.

And they had a brother who had a birth defect. And his face was really messed up. And like twisted and malformed. Kind of reminded me of that scaling that the little girl has on game of thrones and his hands were just atrocious and he had a lot of surgeries on his hands to try to fix this and so like his fingers were like Weird like they were different lengths and like different compositions different numbers on each hand and like some toes in there They were not a matching pair of hands. He had two distinctly different malformed hands. One of them had like three fingers, and they were real wide apart,

and the other had like six fingers, and they were too close together. It was just gross. And I'm a young kid, and this is just such an abhorrent thing to me, such a turnoff, and my mom's like, yeah, you've got to go hang out with him. You guys are going to play today. You and him, and you're going to ride ATVs,vs and you're gonna go to their house and have a great time and i'm just like he's kind of a monster he grosses me out and to and his very appearance frightens me a little i'm not afraid of him the person but just what he is scares me a little i don't and of course i

didn't put it so eloquently i was like like, he's gross and he scares me. His hands freak me out. What if he touches me? And she's just like, no, no, you're going to go hang out with this little fucking weird kid. And it's just like, I just remember just the whole time just hoping he wouldn't touch me or anything. He got this huge fat chick pregnant with two kids. And that was it. I bet those kids are a goddamn.

He had three kids, 47 fingers among them. I just love being with him. When he finger bangs me, it feels like I'm with six different people. I went to high school with a girl. So I hadn't even noticed. We were seniors or juniors by the time I noticed this. And someone pointed it out to me.

We were talking about hot girls in our school and I'd listed her and she was, she was really pretty and everything. And they're like, yeah, but she's got that one hand. One of her hands was like a Trump hand. It was just like one third the size it was supposed to be.

And, uh, I didn't notice it. So what, it wasn't the hand that bothered me. What I started to realize was how often she hit it. Like, her whole, she was always kind of, like, tucking it under a shirt or, like, under an armpit or something. And it wasn't like her deformity was the Trump hand.

It was her whole, like, body posture and stuff that hit it that sort of caught my attention after I learned but think of how big your cock would look in her fucked up hand yeah right grab it can't even get you to hand around it can you ha hang on just hold let me let me get a few pictures of this these are gonna really pay dividends in the future no get that other hand

out of there. Finally, a woman that uses two hands. One and a half. Finds those photos on your phone. You're doing 18 years for child porn. It's totally natural, Kyle, by the way, what you said. I don't want to be around him.

It grosses me out it freaks me out because we're only like what a few hundred years removed from where that guy would have been like not just not allowed to come over for a play date but like excised from the community dashed upon the rocks you know he got born it was too like fucked up hands to be like well somebody is not going to be useful on the plow, and we are already a little short on food. And so playdates are going to be the least of your worries, my little short-lived friend. It's just that's the way it would go.

So it's natural. It's only now that we've got so much dope shit in the Internet and Hot Pockets and Pringles and all the good stuff that we can afford to keep these fucked-up hand people around. I remember another time I encountered a person with a deformed... They should be grateful. They should! They should take our score.

Think about where you'd be 800 years ago. We used to burn you, Pifu, because we thought you were demons. Ha! Best case scenario is you make it to 12 and they go, alright, push the plow and you fiddle fuck around with it for three minutes before they go,

well, this is 12 years of wasted meals, wasn't it, fellas? All right. Good for a laugh, though. I mean, come on, let's go. I met a guy with a flipper as an adult, and I wasn't pre-warned that he had a flipper. That's unfair to you. I know.

It was horseshit, and it was intentional. It was intentional, and they was intentional it was intentional and they were watching me to catch my reaction to shaking a flipper and and and we're just standing there and i haven't noticed it and you know there's like 18 guys there and i'm like the main one that everybody's there to deal with and like he's the other main one because he owns everything and as he's just like yeah i'm big john jimmy joe or whatever the fuck and he like offers me this penguin flipper and i grabbed that fucking flipper and shook it happily but i on the inside i was screaming i was screaming oh god did it rub off on me will mine turn like that now is it contagious

that's the big fear right the contagious part of it it's not contagious it's a birth defect are you sure what level of surety do you have how many hands I don't know I was in India a few years back toilet situation is right

well I wiped my ass with this hand next thing I know look it's a fucking flipper now it's the same thing with like have you ever seen somebody with bad meth mouth yeah like it doesn't it won't translate to you but i always find myself kind of like like biting my lips and like turning them in almost like like protecting my teeth because it's just natural you look at something like that and you're like that's not the way it's supposed to be and i hope mine's never like that. I hope I never have a flipper hand or little black

nubs from meth teeth. Let's segue meth mouth into an ad. Well, I'll talk a little smart mouth. Bad breath is nasty, embarrassing, and a major problem in both the boardroom and the bedroom.

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at which point the two liquids combine and activate. The sulfur eliminator gets rid of existing bad breath, and the activator releases billions of zinc ions, which bind to germs and block the germs' ability to consume protein and produce smelly sulfur gas for up to 12 hours. No sulfur gas, no bad breath. If you want to solve a real problem, you need real science, not a minty cover-up. Nobody wants to be the guy with bad breath, and now you never will be again. Find SmartMouth at Walmart, Walgreens, CVS, Target, Amazon, or wherever you shop. Or visit them online at SmartMouth.com and get an in-depth analysis of how SmartMouth is able to deliver such an incredible result. Remember to use offer code PAINKILLER when you visit smartmouth.com for free shipping today.

Yeah, offer code PAINKILLER for free shipping today from smartmouth.com. It's an incredible product. I use it every day, day and night for years. I never have bad breath. We were talking about fitness stuff. If you eat a bunch of protein, your breath's gonna smell bad, and so this is something you

definitely need. Make sure, you can work out and be in the best shape of your life and drive a nice car, but if you smell like asshole, nobody wants to be around you. And nobody wants to bring it to your attention either, because it's really uncomfortable to tell somebody that they smell like garbage. All that working out is for waste if you still can't get laid. It's for

nothing. With Dick saying that he's been falling off the working out wagon, maybe drinking a little too much, get rid of that booze mouth. With a little bit of SmartMouth. It'll take care of you. Is that for real? That thing cures bad breath? Yeah, it really does.

It really is better. You know what? Go ahead. I'll goof it aside. It is totally in a different league as the other mouthwashes like yeah when you're done with it uh you can i find that i can taste things better like because i

feel like it's gotten all the scum and like bacteria off my tongue like like like things taste better after i use this stuff um when i use it i try to use it every morning after i brush my teeth but sometimes i just forget but then there will be a time after lunch or something, especially if I eat onions or garlic or something, and I'm like, I can taste that my breath is just rank and nasty. And I'm like, oh, this is going to be great. I get to use smart mouth. And I'm going to

immediately tell what it's doing, because before you put it in there, your mouth tastes like cat shit, and then afterwards it's like, this is how it is supposed to feel. The worst thing about that breath is... No, no, I won't talk.

It's how much effort I put into not speaking at people's mouths and noses. Whenever I'm talking to somebody, it'll be like a side. I'll talk over here and they if they'll try to like hear my, it's like a dance that you

do. But then when I'm talking to somebody and they just come head on and they're like, Hey, I got to tell you about this thing. Like, Hey dude, uh, you're, are you, you're not, are you aware of how talk? Like, I want to sit them down and show them like a fifties Are you aware of how talk... I want to sit them down and show them a 50s-style presentation on how speaking works. Look, dude, you're expelling poisonous gas out of your mouth, so try to vent it in another direction. Audio works differently than the poison that you're spitting at me

from the depths of your bowels. Well, yeah, and if that's a problem, this will take care of it for you. Yeah. So SmartMouth, check it out. Hey, one more quick plug. The PKA Hangout is coming up. So if you're one of the Patreon guys, then check your messages. Yeah.

That's a thing. Yeah. Check out the Patreon, PKA Patreon. For $10 a month, you get to have the show as soon as we get it uploaded, as well as the video for PKN, which is very nice. And you get to suggest your AMA questions, which I have here. Yeah, I want to ask this one to Dick. They say all three of us, but who is your dream guest on your podcast and why?

Oh, my God. Donnie Trump Jr. Trump's kid. I want to know, because I know, I want to ask him if he saw his dad's dick growing up mm-hmm I want to ask him what his that like I want to ask I want to I want him to walk me through the emotional because I don't trust Trump at all I could have Trump in the studio but I know he'll just bamboozle me and lie to me yeah like I absolutely gigantic. Yeah, like I know that within

five minutes he'll be grabbing me by my pussy, but if I get his if I had his kid in there I think I could really get some insight into the man. I think Eric Trump might be more likely to betray. Right? The one that he doesn't love. He's just too beautiful.

He's like an angel. I'll be bamboozled by him as well I feel like Eric Trump will come in and his whatever weird like blonde features will have like a there'll be two cherubs floating around there's the Nazi we're talking about Eric Trump looks like Hitler's eugenics

programs rejects he looks like what happened when they like mute when they bred three generations of blonde people together and some of them came out all mutated and fucked. That's Eric Trump. Man, he's got a. Yeah, he's the guy that came out in Hitler. They're like, here it is.

A hundred percent Aryan mind. He goes, ah, maybe just a little bit. Not German. This is a very, very gummy. You see, we need to tweak it a little more. Ah, we went too far. That's funny. Definitely Johnny Jr.

What about you guys? That is a good one. I used to say Joe Rogan. I don't know if he's my guy anymore. I feel like he's almost detached from everydayness. He's kind of gotten to be an A-lister in my mind. He is. He seems compuls compose middle ground to me i don't know if that resonates with you guys but it seems like he's just always right down the middle on everything he does tend to do

that yeah yeah i i only i can't know for sure though because i only watch the podcast of him where i notice the guests i and I think it's good. You don't get very much Rogan, though, right? You get Rogan asking questions of the guests and not so much the guests asking questions of Rogan, which is what I would love. I oftentimes just don't care about his guests. I'm just watching it because I like Rogan a lot, and I find his life fascinating. How he got to where he is and all the steps that he's taken along that career path it's really impressive and he's a bit of a renaissance man then in the way that he excels at so many different kinds of entertainment this despite the sort of jock meatball kind of

exterior that he might exude he's also he's a stand-up comedian he's a writer and he's a he's a he's a stage performer and he's also he's also like the guy that that does the announcing for the ufc not because he's he's a color commentator and he's also the guy that does the announcing for the UFC, not because he's a color commentator and he's great at that, although he is, but because he's so steeped in it. He's got a black belt in taekwondo, I think, black belt in jiu-jitsu, lifelong commitment to martial arts while doing all that other stuff I already mentioned. His last special was excellent. We all saw it. It's great. What freaks me out about Rogan is it appears that he spent nearly his entire life doing what he feels like doing.

And somehow that made him tens of millions of dollars, right? Most people, if they do what they feel like doing, are homeless. Most people spend most of their day doing shit they don't want to do. They wake up. They drag their ass to work past the dumpsters into the big concrete and glass building i might be projecting a touch and and it's just like soul-sucking half to do right but his whole life appears to be want to do and how he pulled that off is shocking he like surprises me with shit where like when

like the ones i watched of him recently the jordan peterson ones those are really interesting but it How he pulled that off is shocking. He surprises me with shit. The ones I watched of him recently, the Jordan Peterson ones, those were really interesting, but it was mostly just the guest going on monologues because Joe knew to be quiet and let him answer his questions. But when Joe does talk, it's annoying sometimes when he'll be so spot on about something where he's like, yeah, this XYZ about fucking feminism or this nonsense or politics is ridiculous. You're like, yeah, Joe, that's a really astute point. I don't usually think of you in that way.

And then I'll be like, all right, well, I've been taking my mushroom genius sport medicine. And it turns out that crushed up cow feces with, you know, random bright colored forest shrooms is the way to true enlightenment. I just take that. I get in my water, salt bath tank, close it up, I get real high, and the world makes sense. It's like, but now I don't know what to think about what you're saying. If Trump came out and was like, I've given it a lot of thought, I laid in a bath for six hours, not a drop of light, trust me, I do it many times, ask anybody about it. I've decided not to bob syria

like even if that's what i wanted like nothing to do with syria be like yeah but that's not how i wanted to know that someone arrived at a conclusion yeah like when george bush mentioned that he like talked to god and god told him he needed to go into iraq or something or like when when ben back during the campaign as much as i like ben carson you know he's he's he's using the bible to work out his tax plan, right? Yeah. You know, and I'm just like, that's not, I really was hoping that you would have went to an economic journal of some kind.

Not the Old Testament. Fuck. And then I think, God, I hope you're a liar. Yeah. It's like. Yeah, I hope you're not really like that. I don't know. I like Sleepy Black Doctor because for exactly the reason that he's not in it anymore.

So you can just kind of look and be like, ah. Now he's just running the housing and urban development. I think he gets his own plane, doesn't he? Is that one of the jobs where he gets his own plane? I'm going to check this. It's the slowest plane they got. It's a Cessna it it's a paramotor it's one of those like go green goes on repurposed vegetable oil from

thai restaurants uh i don't know I don't have a perfect guest. I would say if I actually picked one, I think I might even be selfish. I'd probably pick some big NHL former player or star that I wanted to talk to. And then the current one, I'd pick Vladimir Tarasenko for the Blues because I'm from St. Louis and it's my number one team.

But he's also Russian, and so I would not expect a high deal of reciprocation in many of the answers where it'd be like, Vladdy, what were you thinking when this happened on the game six against the Hawks 2015? We knocked them out in the first round. It is a team effort, and we do many things to...

Repeat the question, please. It'd be like... It'd be like,, alright, thanks anyway. You know who else I would love to get? The Iron Sheik. Oh, he's great. He's crazy. He's screaming about breaking necks for a half hour. Well, don't they faggot!

He doesn't really call people faggots anymore because I think someone whispered in his ear that's not flying anymore. We're okay with the gays now and everybody kind of is and you have to get on board with that. I mean, you're already, like, an Iranian muscle man here to beat people up. You're a hard sell, okay? Let's tone down the homophobia.

When he's on Stern, like those old interviews where he's just out of his mind, like going crazy and, like, screaming at someone in the studio, they can be entertaining, but I kind of feel sorry for that guy. I wonder what's going on in his mind. Look at his Twitter feed! He's going crazy. His Twitter feed doesn't make any sense. I followed him for a while, and for the first

three to four days, I'm like, man, he's got one committed intern to make this look real. And then I was like, no, this is just this man going crazy. Matt from Demolition Ranch, do you guys know him? to make this look real. And then I was like, no, this is just this man. You know who I'd like? Going crazy. Matt from Demolition Ranch. Do you guys know him?

Yeah. You've probably seen his videos. He's got a couple. He's got a daily vlog now where he shows himself and his family. But he first got big by running a gun channel where he'd shoot things on his ranch. And he's also a veterinarian. FPS Russia?

That guy? That's me. That's Kyle of uh is similar to fps russia though and um uh i don't know i watch his stuff now and then i don't watch every video he puts out but i enjoy his content he seems like a neat guy so he might be my current dream guest i'd like a billr. That'd be great. That'd be really cool. Yeah. Dick, you knew that Kyle is FPS Russia, right? With all the guns and whatnot. I think I've probably watched that more than any other online video, except for those gallon-smashing kids.

You know, that's not a bad thing to be second to. I've watched that guy break his elbow so many times. What does he do he throws the gallon of milk up you know the the asshole kids who would like walk through grocery stores and some dick behind him would be filming and they'd be walking with a big jaunt with a big thing of milk and they pretend to slip and throw it in the air and when you throw that milk in the air it comes crashing down explodes milk all over the place for the mentally handicapped

janitor to come deal with what happens a lot of the time is they get a little too gumptious in their in their throw they over commit and they genuinely fall hard and there's one where a guy severely hits his head and i hope he's permanently troubled by it and there's another where a guy just guaranteed shatters his elbow it's one of those falls where it's like yeah yep that's fucked that's fucked but these are all different people It's not one guy just going from different store to grocery store Okay, it's like it was a trend like the ALS challenge So it's only three people. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they have a little prank comedy team

They owe that it's not high art No it's not high art no it's certainly not high art it's like one step up from the knockout game you know which is not art at all that's just assault as we speak Pittsburgh is in route to losing to Ottawa

the game is tied I just know that they'll lose you just know they'll lose I hope they do. I don't want Pittsburgh to repeat, but I think they're going to. Well, are you a hockey fan at all, Dick? I've listened to your podcast for years, and you've never mentioned it. So, silly question.

No, even living in L.A. I know we've had multiple Kings victories in the last, what, five, ten years, but I still know. I love it. It's my favorite. Besides baseball, it's my favorite sport to go see, but I'm not going to pretend like I follow it. How are you guys liking our Rams that you stole this past year?

Send them back, man. We don't. Nobody cares. No matter how many posters they put up in the liquor store about the frigging Rams being here nobody cares all we wanted was the raiders and we're never gonna get them back you could send all the teams we get the la we got the la cowboys and we wouldn't care all we want is our our freaking raiders back but we're never gonna get them they're gone forever we're gonna have to take a monorail to get them now

that does suck yeah i hadn't considered it like that but wait when did they lose the raiders how many years ago is that a lot huh here's one word it's sad the way you put it it seems like they should make that happen probably oakland's happy but people here just hated that asshole Kroenke who owned the team, who basically just makes it so that teams suck for the purpose of profit. Where, you know, NFL teams, sometimes you make way more money not making the playoffs, which is totally not the way it works in NHL or NBA, where you want to make the playoffs and make that money.

But he owns the fucking Rams, who after they won the Super Bowl here in St. Louis in 2000, have sucked cock ever since. Ever since they lost that Super Bowl to the Patriots. He owns the Colorado Avalanche, the NHL team, who were so bad this year that they did worse than teams who intentionally tried to tank in previous years. And the whole time, Colorado was really giving it their all. You know, they were that bad. He owns fucking Arsenal, the soccer team, which I don't know anything about but it's somewhere overseas and i've looked up on their forums and they're like oh this guy's not too great is he you know wherever the fuck wherever the fuck it is australia england uh i don't know it just pisses

me off that someone's like a multi-billionaire he married into the walmart fortune so a billionaire who married into an even bigger billionaire family. Cunt. Like, if I owned a sports team, I would just be a maniacal billionaire who bought players willy-nilly from all sorts of nations and made it like my Sims game. I wouldn't. Once you beat that reality of richness, I don't care about

making more. I mean, they're all that, aren't they? That's the point. You're competing against other guys who are exactly like that. I think i like that the billionaire married into a billionaire's family like i it's the mistake my father made right he diluted the calves right this guy didn't he just combined it and they have billions and billions sorry mom i didn't mean to say you were a mistake because you try too much interbreeding and you end up with fucking king charles gums or prince charles gums and and that whole look of the royal family over there which isn't great for the most

part the people who marry in are very attractive because they get to be kings and queens and princes and princesses it's like living in a fantasy land which makes me laugh like anytime you see like some smug person on twitter who's from England, and they're like, oh, it's absolutely charming watching these yanks attempt to politicize about, like, their culture, and it's like, you have a fucking queen! Like, it's the past! Like, it's hundreds of years ago! You have a queen! Like, you, until that family's not in their palace anymore, and you can't use the excuse of, oh, it's lots of tourism like no who cares keep the palace get the people out like you don't need actual kings and queens i don't know it's just you could charge people to be the king and queen for a day that's what they should do you should that's what disney would do yeah that's a great idea the fucking royal experience as soon as that that old queen lady dies and and she can't be around for much longer right she's ancient.

That's what they should do. I'm glad she got at least one more president, right? I'm glad she got, like, you know, you see the pictures with her all the way back to, like, what, I don't know, Johnson or something. At least she made Trump. And heck, if Trump only lasts, like, 200 days, she might let another president.

She was in World War II. She might meet Pence. Yeah, we got to get Pence in there in a hurry. She's so old, she drove a truck in World War II. Yeah, we got to get Pence in there in a hurry. She's so old, she drove a truck in World War II. Did she really? Yeah. Man, that's wonderful. She was in World War II.

Yeah. There's like five Americans left from World War II and the Queen. Yeah. I actually kind of like her a little more knowing that. Yeah, and then you hear that story. She drove a drove a truck i guess and so she was able to drive which you might think is a pretty common thing but i probably not so much in english royalty in the ladies maybe probably not having to drive themselves around a lot you wouldn't think i bet very few of them drive themselves

around even the men yeah so when the saudi i think the south the king of saudi arabia came and you know women can't drive cars there and the queen drove the drove him around like the estate and everything and apparently she drove really fast and scared him nice i like her more now too yeah yeah but once she's dead like we should start renting that seat out by the day when are they going to put a stop to it though is what i want to ask. Eventually, they have to say, like, all right, the king-queen thing, we've been killing it for so long. Good for us. Great history.

All right, no more of that, though. We're moving back. No, they love it, man. They vote on that all the time, but they vote that they enjoy, like they're proud of having a royal family. Huh. Yeah. Well, I mean, more power to you.

Here's an idea. ponder this one do you think it's ever possible that in the future they revert back they're like oh man pop the country's so out of whack that we're in three wars right now like like you know that everything is everything is going bad for the for for england let's give the king a. Let's go back extra and give the pope a run at it. Wasn't he like a powerful leader? This pope has no balls. He's not conquering any foreign lands.

No. Yeah, this middle of the road pope, condoms is fine now I suppose. Also, you know, abortion, yay or nay? Who's to say? It's like, you're the fucking Pope!

You're the one who's beating on the planet with a line to God! You're the one who says, so tell us! He's like, eh, whatever! Hey, people, trust me, I wear a little hat, you know, makes me look relatable. It's like, not at all, man. Not at all. I wear a little hat. You know, it makes me look relatable. It's like, not at all, man.

Not at all. In your bulletproof car. I don't know. I'd rather hang out with this pope than the last pope. The last pope. The one who looked like an evil emperor? Yeah, he looked like an evil emperor. And not the kind of evil where it's like, he's probably a nice guy.

Like the kind of evil where it's like, I bet he touched little boys. He literally looked like the evil emperor from star wars like palpatine like like he looked like that guy i think that was his name like he was a scary fucking guy he abdicated right he was like i don't want to be pope anymore and they came up with this guy right yeah is he still alive yeah he's still alive i'm sure we'd have heard about it if that guy died. Pope Benedict XVI. They always have a tagline. They're like, Pope John, the merciful,

Pope Billy, the green. What's he going to be? The quitter? The guy who couldn't commit? He quit after a year, two years? From 2005 to 2013. I take benedict the interim that's what they're called yeah but the guy before him john paul ii had it for like almost 30 years so it's a pretty it was like as a child yeah yeah for my i i don't know if't know if there was a pope before him in my life.

He was just always the pope. It was weird to me that popes changed. Yeah. And he was supposed to be an interim pope. John Paul... Really? The guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was supposed to get in there, and either he was going to abdicate or he was going to die quickly, but he held on forever. That's what I heard. I don't know. I just read the headline yeah john paul i died like a month into his papacy and so they were just like all right

well fucking john paul ii hop up you know get in there and that you know that substitution ended up lasting like 30 years it's like a sports story where they're like you know all of our you know our left tackle's really injured and all the rest of them died in that plane crash we need you in there coach like uh you know ma'am the first woman to play left tackle get out there you know a new show on fox and then they it does all right and that's it then she's suddenly in the league isn't that a show check out where the baseball wasn't that Peyton Manning? Yeah, I guess it is kind of Peyton Manning. What are we watching here? So pause it at zero. Don't watch it in advance.

The key thing to know before watching this video, because I didn't realize it until halfway through, there is a woman in this video who chooses not to be carjacked. Are you guys ready? I'm ready. Ready, set, play. Alright, so clearly something's gone awry. That white car

is hers. That dark car? Yeah, this guy's taking her car and he's got it behind the wheel. She's on the hood. He's trying to accelerate and then break and throw her off and his accomplices are in a dark car. He just gives up, gets out there's lets the car roll into

the fucking intersection I think it's an automatic so it's just you know going oh she and that lady good for her oh yeah that was the stupidest thing I've seen I like this part. It's telling to me. Yeah. Where she got out and sat down. She leaned over like maybe she was sick or just relieved or exhausted or something. Like the adrenaline dump was there. And then she sat down. It's at least partly like, oh my God, I fucking did it.

Like I kept the robbery away. But the other part of you has got to be thinking like like oh my god i fucking did it like i kept the robbery away but the other part of you's got to be thinking like oh my god if that guy was in a sour mood or maybe had a red bull this afternoon ran off and i would be dead like that would have been the end of me and then i would have been the person who died for their fucking subaru outback there's a video there's a video where this guy's on the hood of the car just like that and they're going down the highway at speed and another car pulls up to them on the interstate or whatever he's like rolls the window down and looks this guy on the on the hood he's like call the police and they're like way ahead of you man you've been on that hood since exit four like

like a will that's the stupidest thing i've ever seen that that lady did like like if anybody's no credit for bravery no credit no no that's stupidity that's complete stupidity that's what bravery credit it was it was brave but it was there are lots of brave things that are also stupid cousins yeah they're are cousins. Yeah, they're very much related. So bravery is when you overcome your fear of something and do it anyway. Totally did that. You could have the same exact description, right? What if you're afraid to jump off a building and your friend's

like, nah, dude, you'll make it. You'll make it. You overcome your fear and jump to your death. Were you brave? No, you were stupid. A little of both? Exactly. When my buddy Ted told my friend drew as we were driving down the highway that's just you can't shit out the window of this moving tahoe he said he said i absolutely can shit out the window of this moving tahoe and so he did and it was brave

it was also stupid so covered the whole side of the car and poop because you don't think that through as you're like yeah poop out the side of the window we're on a fucking highway 40 going 60 miles an hour as you don't think that it's just like dumping a bucket of paint out the window it's just gonna go straight back for logs in that scenario well this this 17 year old wasn't on the fucking paleo diet. A lot of Mountain Dew and Funyuns. It was a greasy ride. It was like the return on a sprinkler.

Just straight up liquid. Vomits bad, too. Yeah, I vomited through that window that time. Joe was, I don't know who was driving when I was drunk. Joe was driving. Yeah, and I puked going like 60, 70 miles an hour, and it was just – you could just see it atomizing and like going everywhere, all over the car, all behind us.

I adjusted the side view mirror because – either because cars were shining lights in me, or maybe I could see you or I couldn't see you. One of those I wasn't happy with. And Joe still holds a grudge years later that he didn't get like the perfect Facebook photo in the side view mirror. I'll better call Saul like framed of you vomiting. He really wanted that shot. That was a lot of drinking I did that night.

We went to the Tilted Kilt. I don't remember what that town's called. It's outside of Chicago. No, it wasn't Joliet, though. We went to a neighboring town, to the Tilted Kilt. Everybody was buying me drinks. That's the thing. Multiple groups of people.

They were just in front of me on the table within sitting at the bar for like 10 minutes. There was like five drinks for me. And I already had one or two, you know, because I'd gotten there and immediately been, here, have one of these. And it was just like, there's like a shot of Jameson and like a vodka Red Bull.

And then there's a Jaeger bomb. And then there's just a big ass like 32 ounce beer and i'm already sipping on one so i gotta like kill this beer so that i get to that one before it gets warm because i'm not gonna drink it warm and it's it i got so drunk i remember being in the toilet just like sitting on the toilet with my pants on just looking at the floor being like i have ruined this fun night already. Like, we just got here fucking 35 minutes ago. There's eight hot waitresses.

Half the fucking TVs in this sports bar are playing nothing but your videos, and you were fucking drunk in the bathroom. You have fucked this night up already. Did you have like a thought in your head, though, where you're like, wait, I can puke and rally. It's still so early.

I can get all the poison out and go back out and just eat a bunch of chicken fingers and get myself back. By the time that I had gotten a grasp on how big of a mistake I had made, we were still going uphill with the drunkenness. It hadn't plateaued and I was like, oh, this plateau is bad. It was like, oh, I'm getting drunker and I feel awful. That's why I don't drink anymore. Because every night was like that. Every time I drink, it would just be to excess. I would get to that happy place and I'd be like, oh, I could get a little happier though.

One more would make me double as happy. And it's like, oh, too far. It's like that game where we used to play in school where you slide quarters toward the edge of the table and you try to get them as close to the edge without falling off as possible. I played that game every night with alcohol and never won. I always think you're going to win that game.

Yeah, I very rarely hit a happy spot without hitting a sad spot afterwards. It's pretty much the reason I don't drink because it's always a net loss. For a backstory for Woody's drinking history, Dick, what are we, on a rolling average of a drinking episode every two years now? Like, we just never do drinking episodes. And the last time we did one, Woody really fucking went hard and actually was drinking, like, getting drunk, and we finished the show up, and, like, me and Kyle afterward

were like, hey, you want to play some, you know, Age of Mythology, Company Heroes, something? And we were both pretty drunk. We're like, yeah, we'll get on there and play. And we were like, I wonder how Woody's doing. And we got, I think, a text from Woody saying, the coldness of my bathroom floor feels so good. And he just had been laying there for hours. We're like, oh, that sucks.

Because you really paid the piper. Oh, I threw up all night that night. Yeah, I don't do well. And then the fans were all like, Woody didn't go hard enough. It's like, you assholes. I was sick for like six hours. I pretty much fell asleep on my bathroom floor.

Six hours? Yeah. I just periodically puking in my bathroom. I mean, to be fair, you had at least four drinks. That's not true. What happened was, that was the show where the first 90 minutes got the recording broke.

So I drank Kyle's best effort, that mead he tried to make. And then we had to start the show over. And I don't know what else I had. There was maybe some clue involved, but I definitely drank a whole bottle of wine by myself, which to me is a massive amount of alcohol.

Like it's not something I've ever done before or will do again. And yeah, I'm not a half-asser so much. The way that that episode worked is Kyle made, what was the name of it, Kyle's Best Effort? Yes. Kyle's Best Effort Cinnamon Apple Moonshine. That's what it was. And he made it, and he shipped it out to us,

so we'd all have it for the drinking episode. And we all had a big jar of it. And like 90 minutes into the show, we've all polished this off, and we're feeling pretty drunk. And Woody has to tell us like guys I'm so sorry but the recording failed we're gonna have to do so restart drunk yes yes and so restart the show drunk you've noticed we do a girthy podcast defense yeah oh man yeah we should use the big podcast defense. Yeah, oh, man. Yeah, we should use the big podcast defense.

Oh, I just put that together. I'm sharp as a marble. It took me, like, 20 seconds. Like, oh, yeah, the first topic of the night. It doesn't work for everybody, but it worked for some people, and it happens to work for me. Are you guys big on the cherry, the moonshine cherries? I've never had those.

I'm not familiar with this. They're like a jar of moonshine with cherries soaked in it. Oh, yes. It comes in a mason jar? I thought you might have, Kyle. Yeah, you can sit there and just eat cherries and get hammered.

That's what I did. I ate all the cherries. And one time I bought a jar of it and I took a blender I put like a couple scoops of ice cream in some chocolate chips and all of the cherries got drunk off that ice cream it was so good I'll need to check the fact but I'm pretty sure that's not keto friendly no the cavemen had ice cream they would get it out of the same way they got the bone marrow. It's just... If they had access to ice cream, they would have eaten it.

Like they wouldn't have stuck to their guns. They didn't have principles. They're savages. Yeah. Oh, so Pittsburgh still tied on the verge of losing, but still tied. You're going to jinx it, and Pittsburgh's going to win. You know, I don't think what I say and how they do are actually related.

No, no, it is, because I talk about the Blues every year, and every year they fucking lose. They've been a franchise since 1967. Can't win a goddamn Stanley Cup. Absolutely ridiculous. Just a perennial failure upon failure upon failure every year. Oh, why don't you just like the Cardinals?

Because baseball sucks! Oh, it's so boring. It takes forever. Alright, new topic. Who, fictional or weird, or fictional or real, is hot in that weird, gross-but-I-do-you way? Is this one of the patreon questions oh um

oh shit maggie gyllenhaal so maggie gyllenhaal is real fugly uh she's got an odd face it's real weird i don't know who she is but is she from uh the the secretary oh. That's not who I have. Go on. Okay. She's Jake Gyllenhaal's brother. Anyway, that helps at all. And she's a little odd looking. She's unconventionally attractive. But, yeah, I definitely would. Watch The Secretary if you want a real steamy show.

It's her and is that guy's name James Spader maybe? spader maybe he was the guy on the office who played robert california yeah um he he's her boss she's the secretary and and he introduces her to like this bd um it's this this bdsm sort of lifestyle where where she's subservient to him in a sexual way and uh it's really hot it's it's it's a good fucking movie maggie chillenhall really yeah yeah you like she does for you I don't know no it's not that he asked for like unconventional weird-looking girls that you're still into I guess yeah but you could get it up for Maggie Gyllenhaal oh yeah of course millionaire actress yeah I could probably handle that money doesn't do it I don't know how rich she is Money definitely makes people better looking Jennifer Carpenter's mine the the chick from Dexter the sister

Oh, oh from criticism of Emily Rose that girl. She definitely has a weird face. Yeah But totally not really, you know, let her know the hypothetical single Woody would hit that I was thinking through Hear this Let her know that hypothetical single Woody would hit that Pass it through Helena Bonham We'll hear this Would you want her to pretend to be a cop Woody? Now Woody here's the question What if And then this actress from Dexter

Is like well I'd like to give me a little Gamer tag like is there a moment Where you're like I could just make The break right here go on a separate turn i could just go and make a left turn right here in life and i could be jennifer carpenter's husband i i would not do it no yeah okay i gotta stay the course well i'll let her know that you're not in it for the long haul then she's gonna be a little fling for you so i'm not sure how interested she's going to be even that could change for you, so I'm not sure how interested she's going to be. Even that could change the course.

No good. Helena Bonham Carter. Ah, very hot. She, of course, is in all of them. She's got a weird face. She has a very weird face. She's got a weird everything. She's got a good body, but I feel like when she blew you,

she'd want to have spiders or cobwebs around or something odd. Who is this? She's a Halloween decorations year round kind of gal on a bottom card. And she's like one of those that have candles lit. So if you've seen what's the movie with Brad Pitt and

Edward Norton? Fight Club. If you've seen Fight Club, she's the chick that they or he is banging however you want to look at it. That's also going to support groups and doing that sort of thing. She's also Bellatrix Lestrange

in the Harry Potter movies, and she's, of course, in everything that Tim Burton does, because I secretly think he's fucking her, the same way I think that Tarantino probably sticks his dick in Uma Thurman every five years. Oh, yeah. At least between her feet.

It's that time again. Time to earn that money, bitch. Like get those feet over here and jerk my cock off with them because I can't get into what he's into. He wants those big feet like jerking his cock. But you want to bang Helena Bonham Carter

like as the Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland, right? Yes, absolutely. I wouldn't. I thought that was a given. I wouldn't do it anyway. The pumpkin head, the three-foot head in the little body. Yeah, that's the way.

So here, the top-rated comment on this question was Leela from Futurama. Okay. Yeah, but she's not real. And if you saw her in real life, you would be very off-put by that eye. Imagine an eye that big on your face face and you just want to

like poke it and you'd see like glistening and reflections in it no no dice no i'm not buying that that is a cartoon and she is voiced by katie seagal who is who was the you know the the wife from married and with children she was peggy yeah or uh uh biker lady with giant tits in sons of anarchy okay okay if you're going on with fictional women here. The chick with three boobs from Total Recall? Sure, for the story. Absolutely. She wasn't that hot, though.

I've seen that movie a lot of times. She gets machine-gunned just a few minutes after you meet her, if you recall. I didn't think she was that hot. And I was really let down when they made Total Recall and there was... Wait a minute. Was there a three-titted woman? I don't think they showed the nipples.

There was a six-titted woman in the remake. Get out. Three tits is not... It's a three-titted guy. Is there anything like that that applies to computing power? Is it because in this era you'd have twice as many titties as from the 80s? That makes perfect sense.

Yeah, more is boob law. What do you say about Tilda Swinton here? This picture I just linked. Let me see what you got here. Oh, yeah, I find her very attractive. So she was in – she's really androgynous to some extent, but I still find her attractive you got to go back through her body of work if you will and and see like like she's had moments where she

she's really attractive in these movies uh that that picture she's at her most androgynous i feel like but i was gonna say in this picture she looks like you know the actor who plays pippin in lord of the rings yes she looks like if you put him on like hormone replacement therapy in this replacement therapy yeah well i would'd put Pippen on hormone replacement therapy. Well, I would too. I'm a huge fan. He's a little guy anyway. I bet he's tight as hell. That's actually camera tricks. He's just

a very... I'm just not 3'10"! No, do you? Yes, it's sports perspective, of course! Did you ever see the... I know you've watched all the extras in Lord of the Rings because you like it as much as i do if all those clips where you saw like their little midget uh like their dwarf counterparts come onto the screen like that was oh didn't that feel weird like their their extras like i'd rather not know that there are actual dwarves about and just

believe that it's all you know movie magic yeah and that it's not like some guy who turns around and has like a grumpy you know midget face who's very angry all right cut bring in the midgets yeah like why do you use midgets with they said with the digital effects you could do anything yeah but they scream in pain for real when we throw them down the staircase. You can't do that with digital effects. Give them a good shove. Let's go. They're incredibly cheap, too. This is Pippin 3.

It's like that guy who had the magic act where the cat would get on the dog's back and then the mouse would get on the cat's back. He's like, what are their names? He's like, Jim and Joe. What's the rat's name? He's like, oh, we don't bother naming the mice. They never last long enough. River Song from Doctor Who. Oh, yeah,

of course. Very hot. I don't even know who that is. She's not that hot. She's got a giant fro and she's older than his typical girl. Well, I mean, not her not her age i think all of the the uh the doctor who chicks are hot um i liked that one with the gap in her teeth i like the uh the black one i like the little punky blonde one i liked uh amy pond the redhead probably my favorite um

all the doctor who chicks are hot i like i i really really like it because like star trek was something i watched a lot as a kid and as a horny teenager too like i have all of these crushes from star trek like uh mariana syrtis i think is her name probably pronounced it wrong but she's latina and she's the counselor troy on star trek the next generation um she's got prior nude work so i'm very familiar with all of that um i remember reading like this fan fiction of like dr crusher fucking counselor troy and i was oh yeah fucking yeah it's just uh all of the star trek chicks of course jerry ryan uh seven of nine um jolene blaylock she was freaky in the sheets right jerry ryan seven nine didn't he didn't yeah that's what i was telling you last

time is like i think there was controversy she was dating this politician and it came out that they were going to like sex clubs and stuff and like he would force her to have sex in public and she was very not into it sure sure he would force her to yeah yeah yeah i'm sorry every weekend we go and we do it it's like wait so he'd force you every week yeah yeah and we'd hang out with all my friends. Like, she was totally into it. She just said that, you know, when this whole scandal came out. It's amazing looking back at Crusher and Troy

to see what did it for me, like, before porn on the internet ruined me. Dude, go back to the HD Star Trek stuff. You've got so much camel toe now that they didn't know that they were filming with those old cameras. Now, if you want to really get some classic camel toe, I've said it before, but go back to the original series.

And there's so many inappropriate wardrobe choices. Uhura alone shows booty constantly. Uhura's always tall. And they do this shaky camera thing. And then you see Uhura just wore a short skirt, like literally a mini skirt with bloomers on underneath it. And that would ride it up, and you'd see a little bit more of her ass than they intended. Happened all the time. And Kirk's, of course, always fucking hot chicks.

Green bitches and all kinds of titty dresses where it just slid down the middle. And the titties are just jumbling everywhere with sheer fabric. And lots of camel toe. Good stuff. I could spend hours just masturbating furiously to that. You could spend hours talking about it. Oh, yeah.

That's why I like the auto blow. It takes over when Mother Nature gives up. And you just turn up the volume on the show, and you don't have to worry. You don't have to deal with the as you're getting off. I like to wait until Picard is like, number one, engage.

And then I turn it on. And then if there's some point where he's like, Wolf, I deny it, Mr. Wolf. I'm like, oh, yeah. You really get into it that way. All right, time for an ad read. You do. I'm going to tell everyone about

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Awesome, Lyft. It's the new way to boost your income. Everybody's a little capitalist. It's cool. I like the new economy. I'm down. They figured out that carpooling doesn't work so none they'll just give you a little give you a little grace mm-hmm yeah uh oh how do you get on those shows how did you get on dr.

Phil how did you get on I forget the other one I saw today you are Tyra. Dr. Phil hit me up. So I was I was just like a jackass on the on the Internet with very a very small following. And they were doing Dr. Phil was doing one of his house of judgment things where he got like five lunatics to live in a house for a little bit. I didn't know anything about it, but they called me up out of nowhere and said, hey, come on the show. I happen to be doing the book. I happen to be releasing the book like in a couple months. I said, yeah, all right, sure, that sounds good. I found out later that they had a guy, they wanted to get like a bunch of extreme viewpoints so a woman who hated men um they had a chick who

hated ugly people but she wasn't that pretty they had like a guy who hated everyone who was like the most normal of the whole group um they had a black they had a black girl who hated black people. So she was doing a Chris Rock stand-up routine non-stop in the house. And then they had a guy who hated women. But the guy they had in there was a real asshole. He really meant it. Not like me. Totally different than me.

Real jerk. No assholes around here. Let me tell you. Abrasive. Costing. You should see his website uh uh so they they they called me up and they had like a bunch of psychologists i guess call me and do these little interviews for like two hours a pop and i could tell immediately that

they were trying to they were trying to fill me out to see if I was either a lying and joking and full of shit or or b whether I was it was okay if I was full of shit as long as I could keep it up so they were like because they're trying to make a tv show like the last thing that they want is a guy to get in there and just start giggling like a little girl and it's like oh it was just a big scam uh so uh they did that for a while and the shoot date was in like a week from when they called me like two weeks from they called me like oh yeah we had a guy in here he was a he was a huge piece of shit we kicked him out as immediately when we found you um and they're like you can do you can do whatever you want when you're in here we want you to live

exactly like you live in your real life it's like okay i had to go to la yeah i thought like oh so i can like work i can i can go to work if i want and like dick you can do we want you to be you i was like all right looking back on it i see how stupid it is that i would take that for anything but just lies because they're like they're producers like i didn't know anything about ho at all at the time. I was just some stupid software programmer working up in the, the boondocks of Valencia, California. Um,

but now knowing what I know now, it's just producers just lie constantly. Uh, and all they want to do is make the TV program, but I got in there and then it was just give us your give us your your uh give us your computer give us your phone give us everything you got um and we're gonna with you for a week um you know and try to try to try to make our narrative so at the end like you could see their questions as we went through the week going from

So at the end, you could see their questions as we went through the week going from asking things to set you up for softball incendiary statements. Like, so what do you think the worst part about women is? Like, that was day one. I was like, oh, man, I got this. I got this. I got this. Then day five, it was like, what would you tell your mother if she were here? And it was like, what would you tell like this, this?

And it's like, would you tell like this this is like oh my god like this is this actually I know this is just like a joke but this is getting kind of hard to know because I know you guys are gonna cut this you're gonna cut this like I'm like I like you won and I would rather kill myself than look like dr. Phil like I got to show this fuck the world I gotta show this to like my dad and my friends. And if it looks like Dr. Phil won, I am gonna get made fun of for the rest of my life. You're not getting this out of me.

Like, so, it was like turning, it was like being a politician, like, just lying and reframing and twisting everything. Oh, I reject the premise of your question. Let me tell you where you're, Let me set you straight about women. My mom's kind of a dude. She's stupid.

She did that. Never mind. But it was still people trying to make a stupid reality TV show. So they got their clips out of it. How quickly was the illusion shattered? Or did you have any illusions going

into it that it would be honest at all i'd never watched the program um i never watched the show i thought uh i i underestimated how many people it takes to make like bullshit television it's like a it's like a lot of people like dozens of people they set you on dr phil they set you up in in rooms where they have like you versus your opposite like the this is therapy by the way it's you versus your opposite and they've they've got a one-way mirror and on the other side of that mirror they've got psychiatrists and producers just watching you. And like every once in a while, they'll come out and throw out an incendiary topic for you to talk about. And like the whole house, the whole Doctorville house is like a like a fun house where every part of every wall can be pulled away.

And then like a three hundred thousand dollar camera will appear and start tracking you from a guy like you've never seen this. You're just you're talking with somebody like normal and then it'll be like, shoot in this jet. This is where did you come from? That was a weird the whole the whole thing was surreal. Down to like, the last day when everybody else was fixed because everybody else caved like they they they march you from place to place they make they force you to repeat until like until you they've got the story that they want but i was the only one that wouldn't do it i don't know why just because i had a book just because i didn't want my friends to make fun of me not joking that's what drove me. I'm not joking. That's what drove me through the whole thing is like, when you get out of this, man, you can't tell these, like you can't narc on yourself.

You've got to keep this going because your friends are going to make fun of you when you get out of this. Like you got into this. You've got to bullshit your way out of it. They can't do anything to you. Just like, just find that little hateful center in you and hold on to it tight. And let them take everything else. Deny it, but just keep repeating the thing.

This is the mantra from B for Vendetta. Everybody else remembering this? Is it? Is it? I'm remembering Last Man Standing with Bruce Willis when he's getting beat. To my hubris, I brought in DVDs I thought I was going to watch while I was in the house. I brought in pajamas. And then you get in there. Of course there's no DVD player.

There's not even a fucking window because it's a casino of emotion. That's it. There's nothing in there. No TV. No music. Nothing. There's one book to read in the Dr. Phil house, and it's How to Lose Weight by Dr. Phil McCaw. A fucking cookbook written by the fattest man on television!

And he's the whole fucking house! And dude, six days later, when it was time to leave and they played, the producers, God bless them, it was time to leave, they played Here Comes the Sun, and I music hit my ears for the first time, I thought I was having an auditory orgasm. It was like I had never felt... When I watch people defect from North Korea, and I see them cry and break down, I'm like, I fucking know what you're feeling, you bitch. I've been there too. I know exactly what you feel like. I know what you're feeling, you bitch. I've been there too. I know exactly what you feel like.

That was the height of my hubris, but they come out of nowhere. The producers come out of nowhere to try to break you down for the entire time. I forget what the question was. It was a weird experience, and it's like that's how the sausage is made.

The Dr. Phil house. That's hilarious. That's incredible. was a weird experience and it's like that's how the sausage is made the dr phil house that's hilarious that's incredible i bet they really had to like i know you forged ahead and didn't give him with it but i bet they had an actual internal meeting after that where they were like all right we've got to make sure that nobody pulls this ever again no no let me tell you first of all they made money on the whole thing. So if anybody's having a meeting, we need to get idiots like this. After that, they started going for lunatics.

Like, the cash me outside shit. After me, they started trying to get fucked up stuff because they're like, this idiot, it doesn't matter if he's fake. Like, everybody's watching to hear this fucking moron make an ass of himself. They sent out this questionnaire before we got into the house. And it was, like, it was the dumbest of all the questionnaires I've ever taken for work or anything in my life.

It was the dumbest questionnaire I've ever seen in my life. It was, like, name, address, what's your favorite color, what's your greatest fear? And I remember feeling like, what do you mean color what's your greatest fear and i remember feeling like what do you mean what's my greatest fear uh why do you guys like what is this what is the value of this uh question number three who is the least who would you hate to have dinner with the most what would you most hate i was like oh okay i i know what this is this is like do my job for me the producers want you to make their show for sure enough. I put shit like heights I'm afraid of spiders. I'm afraid of and I found out later that they had this whole skydiving thing planned for me

Dr. Phil had the skydiving day planned for me that they wanted to make me skydive so they could get footage of me Pussing out and like loop that in with the rest of i don't know the psychotherapy uh but they changed at the last moment because they said he will not chicken out like he's not gonna do this guy is too this guy's too fucked this guy's too he's too deep into character we can't admit it skydiving mission because he'll just do it he'll just do it and make it funny oh yeah yeah they were right that motivation of not wanting to be mocked endlessly by your friends strong is more powerful than love oh it's worth at least nine pounds so far it will it will do so many things just the thought of like am i gonna get shit on by my friends forever yes all right well then i

need to make a lifelong change here my dad sister, my sister would have made fun of me forever for thinking, for being out of my element, for being in over my head. It would have been way too embarrassing. How many brothers and sisters do you have? I just have one sister. One sister? It's too many. How did Tyra compare to Dr phil from that perspective was it tyra banks i love her she's beautiful but uh she's got in her audience she's got three people holding up uh gigantic poster boards with like interesting questions to ask her guests because she can't do it on her own and she ignores

all of them so you have the worst television on the planet like i'm sitting there because i'm but by the time i got to tyra i was like oh let's let's go bitch here we go here we go i know how to do this i've just i just knocked dr phil's ass out and by the way on dr phil i got a mysterious call from a from a guy who worked on the show who he's like he called me up and like right before christmas he's like hey is this is this dick yeah man who the fuck is this he's like hey man i'm not supposed to get your number i'm not supposed to have your number but i'm a guy i was a pa on on dr phil i was one of the camera guys i got your number and i just want to say when you were arguing with Phil like in the back it was

like because we all fucking hate him it was like it was like watching the Super Bowl like watching you guys argue we were like yeah every time you nailed him with a point I was like oh yeah okay cool so I'm going into the Tyra thinking it's going to be an environment like that um but it's like but she's she's very sweet I guess i don't know but what looking at so i'm i'm going in there and i'm reading all the cards that they're trying to show her are the questions to ask like ask him this this will really fuck him up ask him this i'm like okay i got an answer for that i got an answer for that i got a funny answer for that i hope you know this and she's she's just pulling questions completely out of her ass. Like, oh, what kind of girl do you like? And I'm like, what the fuck?

What kind of question is that? What? All of them. I don't know, Tyra, you're really, this is TV for you? Like, I just wanted to stand up in the middle and go, this is television? This is what you're doing with your name? I mean, what are you even doing?

You're taking up an hour spot from who? You've been doing nothing? Doing nothing, that's what you ask? This is horse shit. This is horse shit. All these people here are relying on you to make good television. You're blowing it. She said that.

This is good TV. I should have said that. Yeah. They probably would have edited it out. They probably wouldn't have aired that. Yeah, that part might not have made it on. But six months later, you get a call from some random PA. Dude, when you told Tyra.

Nah, she's probably got a team of sycophants over there. She might. The weird network of sycophants is crazy. But, you know, they're producers, so they hop around from show to show. I talked to a bunch of them after the fact, after they moved on from film. Because they got a high turnover rate on that show. That seems like such a ham-handed, silly way to intro you with questions. Back to the Dr. Phil thing you were saying of like, what's your biggest fear?

Who do you not want to have dinner with? How retarded do you have to be to not know you're being set up with that? Like if you put, like day one, you'd walk in and be like, oh, surprise to chauvinvinist Dick Masterson, he's gonna go have a dinner in the snake house at the zoo with Hillary Clinton! It's like, oh, his biggest nightmare, what a rage thing, he didn't see this coming. Like, no, of course, of course. Like usual, you're overestimating people, because two of the chicks put they didn't want to have dinner with a nudist, because it would be so reprehensible to them. They didn't want to have dinner with a nudist because it would be so reprehensible to them. A nudist showed up. They lost their minds and they sued CBS about it for like fall.

They won and got the episodes wiped from the earth. So I have a bounty of a thousand bucks for anybody who can reproduce those and find those episodes from me because CBS had to legally remove them from syndication. So yeah, basically everybody fell for it. That's out there somewhere. It's on a DVR. You know it is. It's just like those bitcoins. Just like those bitcoins on that hard drive out there

somewhere. Also somewhere are the lost Dick Masterson files. Yeah, and they're worth half a bitcoin you can find them i'll pay you or by the time this airs probably a sixth of a bitcoin all right all right yeah i saw the bitcoin someone out there that's great yeah someone's making i i think i read that like a hundred dollars what was the number it was some some menial amount of bitcoin like in 2007 was worth 70 million dollars now or something yeah it's about a thousand bucks of bitcoins in 2010 it's worth like 36 million dollars now of currency that doesn't exist i read

the top part of the wikipedia page for bitcoin like six times trying to understand what the fuck is going on and what this is and who's who's to gain who's solving these puzzles and whatnot and at the end of every single paragraph i'm like i i'm just gonna continue to use cards and cash i have no idea like and then like we were talking about it just the other week and none of us have any idea we're like i guess you mine it like an like uh you use the internet which is a series of tubes so it's a plant into the mining apparatus and then you just churn through like what but at the end of it does it go like ding like a like a easy bake oven and you're like oh my god my bitcoin's here like yeah what do you and then what do you do with it do you go on amazon Amazon and they go, I'm sorry, we don't take your ridiculous cryptocurrency.

You're going to have to buy weird porn on the dark web with this or an assassin. What else are you going to do with that shit? I have no idea. You can buy anything. You can convert it to dollars. Well, yeah, that's not as funny an angle, though, as an assassin. My bad.

I was talking to my girlfriend about it. She said the same thing. Like, well, how hard are these puzzles? I'm pretty good at puzzles. So hard that your computer would take 170 years. Fundamental misunderstanding of the nature of these puzzles. If you, honey, were a supercomputer,

you could probably knock one out in a few weeks, probably. We went on that for a while. I think at the end of it, we all knew more about Bitcoin than when we went in. For me, visualizing the math problem helped. Like I said, a marker board full of those things. And once you get this far through, you've uncovered this much digital currency. All I need to know is, do me the math, so I missed it, right?

I missed the time to get in? Okay, thank you, moving on. Yeah. Cause like, I feel like now we must be in kind of peak Bitcoin, right? Or we're past the point where you should have purchased it. Cause now, what if you drop a grand on one of these fucking Bitcoins and then three weeks from now they go, oh yeah, that whole whole thing well it was really an experiment and now a bunch of economists are giving ass backwards pseudo-scientific explanations like oh hindsight's 2020 but i actually saw this coming for six months prior like whatever the fuck those actual coins now

trump did his own cryptocurrency it's trump coins ah fuck, didn't see that coming. The puzzles are almost impossible. They're the best puzzles. Everybody says it. I've asked people to do a lot of puzzles. Yeah, the pads start off every morning with a Sudoku. We think it gets our veins sharp. He was very resistant to it. He has come around.

You know? Oh, man. Yeah, Trump coins. coins who knows maybe that's the thing trump coins i'd invest in that cryptocurrency yeah i'd buy at least one just to have so in like i don't know 40 years you could you could show it to someone by that point it might be worth millions i got lots of campaign buttons that i got at that uh campaign rally or whatever i went to uh it was it was shitty that the weather was bad. He got delayed flying in and was like two and a half hours late. His plane was doing circles. And otherwise, apparently...

Donuts. He calls them donuts. He does call them donuts. Does he? Yes. I bet he does. I'm choosing to believe it. I lost my whole train of thought i was gonna get the button assigned i was gonna sign my button but it didn't work out if he hadn't been late he'd have been able to sign the button i was very late oh dude i got my hat signed by trump on the uss indianapolis in long beach harbor and i had to chicken wing so many reporters.

Like, I posted, when he was done with his speech, I posted up on the opposite side of the dais, just because it was empty and I could see where, like, he was, where his handlers were taking him. So I was like, all right, motherfucker, I'm going to get, I'm getting this thing signed. Like, I don't care. I'm either getting dragged out of here or I'm getting trumped.

This was in the early days. This was during the primary still Mm-hmm. So I pose you've been drinking a bit, right? Oh, yeah, I Had I had my Popeye's strength like that So I posted up there and they start screaming at him and they're coming around and I'm like Boxing them like I'm trying to like divert them and pretty soon. It's like it's like a a flood of of humanity just sweeping me away and all I had was I was flopping my hat around and I thrust it at him as like in the middle of a sea of microphones I thrust my hat at him and he happened to grab it and I was like he was signing and I was like hey hey I got right in his face for some cuz I was like, hey, hey, hey, I got right in his face for some because I was drunk And I said hey, hey, hey, hey, you gotta win you

And I was it was like I knew it came out wait like way more aggressive And he gave me he gave me a look like are you fucking crazy? And I knew I had fucked up, but I was like, just stay the course. Don't apologize. Don't apologize. No. And he gave me a look like, uh. And then he gave me another look. He's like, oh, OK.

You're just too hammered. And he gave me an affirmative. And he's like, yeah. Yeah. He gave me a nod. And he handed my hat back. And I was like, boom. That's it.

Who wants to fucking touch me? Yeah. That's it. Who wants to fucking touch me? That was awesome. That whole campaign. There are gonna be so many movies. We just lived through this. So I feel like we're all like yeah, yeah, so Trump won last year. This is gonna be talked about for a century. Like some crazy... Donald Trump winning the presidency and the way he did it and everything that's attached to that is a big deal. I think it's going to be talked about for a long time.

There's going to be a lot of movies made about this. There's going to be books written about this. We're just started. We're at day 120 or something. Good times. Every little thing he does is news. I just saw him shove the Prime Minister of Micronesia out of the way. Montenegro. Out of the way. I know, Montenegro.

Out of the way. Hey, I'm up here. I love his body language. He's like, fucking, let me get up here. Motherfucker, what's your GDP? What's your GDP? He's like a kid on call. What's your KD, bitch?

What's your KD? What's your GDP? Huh? Huh? They don't even calculate that shit in dollars. That guy just got into NATO. It was his first NATO conference ever. And Trump fucking alpha'd him like an asshole.

That was Trump's first. You've got to keep that in mind. He can't be letting some bullshit country get up in there in his spot. No one would be talking about it. They don't give clear stubs. I feel like he has no idea about a lot of those little countries that are in

those groups where they'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like,

and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like,

and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like,

and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like,

and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like,

and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like,

and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and he'll be like, and He goes in there knowing a lot of that shit. What are the big points Mr. Trump, he names like three countries. Trump is what happens when a low information voter becomes president. Britain, England, the UK.

It's all the same country. He is Kenny Powers. Yeah. he is kenny powers yeah i'm not trying to be the best at exercising but has woody or taylor i'm asking you in a weird way ever watched um that that that show with kenny powers what's it called i'm i'm vice principal or something like that i don't know the original one hired baseball player point out this tired baseball player? East, down, and down. East, down, and down. I've seen that.

I've seen some of it. I like that a lot. You know what's a real fucking jip? And if anyone who has seen it, you'll remember this. His girlfriend or love interest, I think her name's April maybe the whole time. Yeah. I can't think of that. Huge boobs the actress has.

There's an episode where she pulls him out, and it's a body double it. Those are her titties. I like that though Really? I like that. They kept him secret and also gave you a little bit of boob Okay some other person's Let me follow up a dick on that then do you watch Game of Thrones at all no I don't know Okay, well never mind that cuz Daenerys the lady who's the dragon lady who everybody's always talking about her tits She's refusing to show her tits anymore, and so she She showed him again. Yeah

Pushes all the the urns down she burns everybody alive in the whole building burns down and that she comes out naked Topless all sooty and stuff. That was her... That's her Mortal Kombat finishing move. She just creates a big fire, everyone burns and she walks away. She's done it once. Once?

Yeah. Okay. Well, then I guess I'm counting the time she was on the pyre. I need to... The amount of money I waste every year to get fucking HBO Well, then I guess I'm counting the time she was on the pyre. I need to... I can't... The amount of money I waste every year to get fucking HBO for this one show is retarded. Like, there's no other show on HBO still that I like.

Like, Veep, now, that used to be pretty funny, I thought. Not anymore. Silicon Valley, I thought that was hilarious the first couple seasons, and then I guess they changed writers or something, and now it sucks. And other than that, it's just just the old shit that I love, like Band of Brothers.

I'm sure a few fans out there will hook us up with an account so that we can get on board with that free HBO game, because it's not offered in my area. I'd happily pay for it, but I can't. I don't have a cable provider to input. There's no Cox Digital Media here. I need you to slip me those details

I need you the email the password and such and you know, I don't do anything nefarious with it I won't even give it to say I'll give it to Taylor. Okay, I'll give I'm not gonna give it a woody though I mean, it's not that far but I just need to I need it you I got you betrayed my confidence Seven years ago when I gave you HP or six years ago when I gave you HBO Go password. I gave it to like one person. I gave it to Kitty. Okay, well then you gave it to like.

Oh, Kitty gave it to me. That's where I got mine. I got mine from Kitty. And she said, don't give it to anyone else. And I didn't. It was unbelievable. That account. It was the family of a guy I played on his hockey

team in high school I got it from someone who was about ten generations down to where my buddy Mike was like oh you know HBO go dude take this this is Billy's account I'm like Billy Billy that I haven't talked to in four years and then immediately I'm like oh well you know Kyle and friends need this too because they want to watch Game of Thrones. It got to the point that I think I think we were the reason that HBO was like, we got one. You could click on a brand new show and it would be it has exceeded the number of allowed streamers. Uh huh. Uh huh. Try again later. And it had to be quick on the fucking gun i'm telling you there

were so many nights where my girlfriend and i would sit down at the at the tv at like i think it comes out at 10 but i'm not sure at like 9 45 we sit there and start sitting and the screen is on the page where you click watch um but but but but but it's watch on the previous episode because the new episode isn't even there to look at. Like, its channel page with the description and the thumbnail of whoever the fuck isn't even there yet. So you're just constantly refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh for, like, the last three minutes

up until the turn of the hour. And then it's like, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play! You have exceeded the number of approved viewers on this. And I'm like, I can't go any faster than that. No human can. I'm doing this like as it starts

and it can like four people can watch simultaneously not even close I know I always have to wait with you in real time where I'd be sitting at home like I know fucking Kyle's sitting there right now and then you text me I got it and it's like okay well you and two other people across the Midwest you know there are hundreds of us trying to find this shit like oh god that was fucking annoying I wish they would just make it easier to watch Like well they tried so they so they put out HBO. I get them a bit confused. I think HBO Go is what we want That's what you need if you have what you get if you have a cable subscription to tie into but HBO now is not

HBO now it's HBO later. That's what it should be called. Because you don't get to watch HBO Now. You get to watch HBO Later. Okay? The show comes out, and you're like, okay, let's wait a few days until they put it on there, and then we can watch the recording of it

on HBO Now. It's horseshit. Yeah, it should be called HBO when HBO is good and goddamn ready. Yeah. When they are good and goddamn ready to give you the content, then you get it.

But until then, no. If someone will share this with me, I'll do whatever you want me to do. I certainly won't give it to anyone outside. A good way to give Kyle a message is to send it to me on Reddit. And then I will pass it on to Kyle. The same is true if you have any packages you want to get to Taylor.

I've still never gotten those packages that showed up. I burnt them. Did you really burn my packages? I literally burnt them as part of a video to make an example out of people who treat me like your messenger. So I got gifts sent to me to Woody's house, and he just burned them. Yeah, I hope you don't play that shit. No, no, zero tolerance. Exactly, yeah.

I don't know why, but I really didn't like it. It genuinely hurt my feelings. I go out there. At the time, I was on the subreddit interacting with fans every fucking day right every day probably not a comment existed on that on that subreddit that i didn't see and uh and then i give up my address and this and that and it's like you know if these other guys don't want to interact with you you don't send it to me who does so that i'll send it to them who doesn doesn't? That's not how it works. That was what was burning in my head

when they sent stuff to me. Taylor froze. Was it in color or made a noise? Say that again? Am I good? Yeah, you are good. Wow wow both teams scored since i last looked and it's still tied but now it's two two what are they playing hockey oh yeah it's uh pittsburgh versus ottawa the winner goes to the stanley cup and uh pittsburgh is impending doom, it appears.

I hope so. Yeah. I hope so. Someone needs to win. Didn't Secretariat win that last year? He did. He did, yes. He did. And now he's been breeding ever since.

All right. I got a topic. Attorney General Sessions charts course back to longer drug sentences. He wants to take people to the top end of the mandatory minimum sentencing laws. Well, he knows what's right. Not in this case. A little bit of Alabama justice. That's what this country needs.

If there was one thing to make me turn my back on Trump, it is the Sessions going after drug shit. He could have ignored it. He could have eased it. He could have been a big talker and just not done anything. But if those guys go after drugs, it's going to be the end. That's it's our insane war on drugs.

It has cost us so much money and so much human life, so many human hours. Uh, it's, it would be a huge disappointment. And our war on drugs, of course, creates those billionaire despots down South of the border.

Like there's no reasons for us to know about a guy named El Chapo. All right. The only reason we know about that fucker is because of our war on drugs that made him a billionaire made him more than on the planet whole thing like we created that path for him to be like oh well there's a beautiful little power vacuum here i think i'm gonna take advantage of it you know like we set it up for him yeah cocaine's worth shit you know what cocaine's worth like in columbia if you want some cocaine it's not worth shit it's not worth every every like uh every step you take north of columbia that cocaine is getting much much

much more valuable every time you get to a country higher the closer it gets the united states it's it's like twenty thousand dollars a kilo right like it's roughly ten thousand dollars a pound or something like that. But when you're in Colombia, it's just pennies because it's not worth fucking shit. It's not worth anything. You think people in Colombia do a huge amount of coke because it's so cheap? Probably not, right? Because I think maybe in the US, especially in the 80s, it was kind of a prestigious thing. A lot of Wall Street guys were doing it because it was expensive probably as much as because they liked the high.

Whereas there, it's this incredibly cheap, random thing like caffeine. Is cocaine as popular as it used to be with Adderall and with ADD medicine coming back? Cocaine is coming back. I've noticed that. There wasn't any coke when I was 20, but by the time I was 25, 28 and there, there was coke everywhere. I can never get a vibe for how dangerous a drug is. When I was in high school, I didn't do drugs, but pot, of course, is popular.

Pot's always been popular. But what's, is it LCD? It's not, LSD. LSD on little paper tabs were very popular. LSD is one of the safest ones. And mushrooms were very popular. I think mushrooms, I just read recently, is the most safest. You've heard that too.

Yeah, they were ranking the drugs by the per capita visits to the emergency room. Like how many people tried it ended up in the ER. They need to also, in in that count have things like ridiculous visits like if somebody gets really high on pot and they show up like i feel like you know my eyes are gonna fall out they're so dry and they're like get out of here here's some visine like that shouldn't count against pot you know yeah like it was just somebody freaking out there's never been a marijuana death ever yeah it should be medical people who got high and did stupid stuff and died. But it's not like you overdosed on pot.

So when I was a kid, LSD and mushrooms on top of pot. Now I feel like it's cocaine, pot, and opioids maybe? Those are real bad. Like Vicodin, cauliflower. What's cauliflower? What did Rush Limbaugh call his drugs? Cabbages. Cabbages, sorry. I need some more cabbages. You know that's why his hearing went right, it was from the opiate.

Can you imagine how hard it was for Rush Limbaugh to take a shit for years? That guy was so wild. heart it was for rush limbaugh to take a shit for years and eating as much as he does like it must have been a grueling endeavor every day he's preparing to end that three hours i imagine him on like a hover slide like job of the hut and he just gets schlepped around shucking down mexicans staying where he went like a wet spot i could tell he's been there how bad is cocaine for you? Because during its comeback, when I was a kid, they acted like cocaine was heroin. Like it was, you know, they had...

It's very addictive, and it will fuck up your heart. You can inject cocaine. You can make crack cocaine. We had a guy come to my high school that could put something through his nostril and out the other side apparently cocaine and burnt the middle out yeah septum yeah that's from i saw somebody on jackass do that with a condom oh you know what that's a good point to the coke use actually you know that actually doesn't make sense but no drug is as dangerous as tobacco and alcohol that's the like the most dangerous drugs are the ones that are completely legal.

Tobacco, alcohol, and every single prescription drug that they just gin up out of a computer and then patent and say, here, this will cure your depression. Oh, it makes a bunch of people suicidal. They were already depressed. You can't blame me. Yeah.

Like all the ones that are illegal and funding the enormous war are just, like, either a competitor to, you know, everybody. Like, the weed, the war against weed is, it's funded, it's fundamentally racist to control Mexicans and blacks who were way more into weed because it's free and a different kind of high than liquor and a competitor to and hemp is a competitor to like you know everything like every kind of textile we got so we got to wipe this out and then you got all the like you got all the the fun drugs all the like uh uh mdma l uh lsd who are just like nobody's gonna fight them because it's just a couple people doing them but they're not dangerous and it's still frustrating to hear yeah some of those things are just mind expanding they just give you an experience with no negative side effects or or or they don't make you a you don't lose control of

yourself the next day you're not a crazy person now you don't have physical symptoms and even with the cocaine like it requires cocaine abuse to get that nose thing that's years of heavy use that most people can't even afford right because it was very expensive back then i had this you guys remember that casual friend in high school let me do this real quick. And we went off to college. And then after our freshman year, we find ourselves back in our hometown. And he said that he did a ton of LSD, that he flunked out of college, and that he was catching trails. So now he's working construction. And if you'd hit a nail and it would fling off in the direction, he'd see it five times, like Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom.

He attributed that to the LSD at least temporarily fucking his brain up. I've heard about stuff like that. I've also heard... I remember it was either a video or a teacher that told me during class where they were like, ecstasy makes holes

in your brain. I'm sure everybody's heard that. The example was like where it's like the example was like it's like taking an ice cream scoop and and pulling out a chunk of your brain when you use ecstasy and then when like you meet people that have done ecstasy and they don't have big scoops of their brain missing you just start to do the thing that kids do where you're like well maybe heroin isn't that bad maybe it was just a bunch of a big kerfuffle that these you know sticks in the mud are talking down i'll give it a go south park dealt with this best right like south park did

a marijuana episode yeah cheesing i did i remember the speech at the end where they're like you know what marijuana is not that dangerous for you but it makes you okay with being bored you do that too long and before you know after a while you realize you're not good at anything. That was like the South Park speech. I was like, oh, that seems like an accurate representation of the dangers of too much pot. Yeah. Well, there definitely are. The dangers of too much ice cream are much worse, though. The dangers of too much ice cream are much more shocking and disgusting.

Maybe pot and ice cream go hand in hand. Would you rather be addicted to pot or addicted to ice cream go hand in hand. Would you rather be addicted to pot or addicted to ice cream? Pot, probably. Yeah, pot for sure, because ice cream is going to... You can hide your marijuana addiction as you're going out and about throughout the day. A little smart mouth

and you're out of town. Yes, a little smart mouth. Yeah, but you get addicted to ice cream and people are going to start noticing. That's the difficult thing, more than are going to start noticing. Yes, that's true. That's the difficult thing, more than other addictions about food addiction, is that you can't even lie and say, like, yeah, it's been going better. Like, you know, I'm making better decisions. I'm really taking some time to cook and do meal prep.

I'm very into meal prep now. And it's like, no, you're not. You're not. We can see you lying. You're lying to me. Five years without too many No, you're not. We can see you lying. You're lying to me. Five years without too many calories. You can see. That pendant don't mean shit, bro.

You're 400 pounds. If they're big enough, they lie. What's the most annoying addiction? That's what we need to... Because I think it's CrossFit. CrossFitters. That's a very prevalent addiction. And it's under the guise of health, right? But it's very annoying.

Do you have a bad experience with a CrossFit person or people? I've only had bad experiences with CrossFit addicts. Like trying to proselytize to you? No, they're just very proud of themselves. I don't know. I don't have anything beyond that. They like their way, and they don't think yours is quite as good. They always want to talk about, like, what they're doing.

They always want to preach, like Jehovah's Witnesses. The way that they do pull-ups, it irrationally bothers me. Really? If you go on YouTube and type in, like, CrossFit pull-ups, they, like, basically turn their body into a worm and wiggle their way up. Back and forth, back and forth. It's more like shaking.

It's more like sitting than pulling. And it's like, no, none of those counted. You cheater. You're just using the energy of your legs to swing yourself up over and over. Have you seen the video of the guy who counts them? There's a CrossFit guy and and he's doing the worm, and he's kind of got this rotation going on his pull-ups, right? But the guy grabbed the video with his own voiceover,

and he's like, zero, zero, zero, zero. None of those are pull-ups, zero. They had a push-up contest on the howard stern show where they challenged their uh their audio engineer who was a really out of shape guy stern basically bet him that i don't i may have the numbers a little off but stern basically bet him that he couldn't do 10 push-ups 15 push-ups whatever it was ten thousand dollars he's like you can't do it look at you you can't i know a long time ago i might have seen this. Was it Scott? Yeah. Scott the Engineer. Yeah.

Scott the Engineer. Yeah. So they're going to see if he can do it, right? So he's working out for a short period of time, a few weeks, two weeks, three weeks, four, something like that. And he's got this silly trainer who's got him all pumped up. And the trainer is like – they're all chanting when he finally starts cranking him out. And so nobody – oh, no. It's tumultuous. Everybody screaming there's noise everywhere you can't tell what's going on and scott is cranking these push-ups out

but they're not real push-ups he's not going all the way down he's not coming all the way up it's horseshit and there's a referee there but he's just some punk kid with a striped shirt and a and so he gets them done he cranks out like 17 or whatever in the allotted time. And that was like enough to win the bet. But they're all like, no, those didn't count. And he's like, I did them. They count. He's like, you go back on this bet.

He's like screaming at Stern. Like, don't. You go back on your word. He like screams back at Stern. Everybody's like, whoa, whoa. And eventually Stern paid him off. But anybody who saw Scott know scott the engineer cannot do 10 real push-ups much less 17 he had casey demonstrate what a push-up was supposed to look

like yeah yeah he could do one here was like radu this weirdo that had him doing like ballet and instead of just doing push-ups like okay you can do one today let's see how many you can do tomorrow he was just having him do like weird exercises to build up to it there's no way to win when you try and bet your friends like i bet you can't do 20 pull-ups i bet you can't and navy seal someone on push-up 29 will start being like the j Christ of analyzing mistakes and weaknesses. And he didn't quite straighten up there. That doesn't count. Again, there's no way to win those fitness bets I've found.

Scott's was so bad, though. I hate Scott the engineer. Although at this point, I don't like Stern anymore, I don't feel like. Really? That's a big change. How come? I felt like that for like a year now because of that Marcy lady who came in, who wrote the book, and he treats her like a guru.

She comes in. Gary had been asking Stern for a bigger office for years. Gary, his producer, who's been with him for like 30 years or something like that, always asking Stern for a bigger office. Marcy comes in. She's given Gary's office, made the producer of the show. Gary keeps the title and did not be humiliated, I guess, but gets moved into another office. Stern's got a new producer?

It's this Marcy lady. She's a huge influence on the show. That's why you don't have Gary the retard. That's why you don't have the gay effeminate voice from Stern or the black voice from Stern or any of that non-politically correct stuff from Stern. That's why you don't see Stern going after celebrities as much and giving them a hard time. That's why you don't see

Gilbert Godfrey on the show. God, he was the best. Of course. Gilbert Godfrey. I remember there's this call where Gilbert Godfrey's the host, and this Jewish lady who had, like, her parents were in the Holocaust calls in, and Gilbert's a Jew. And Gilbert's like, ah! They cooked him in the oven, you parents!

You know, he's just like, no mercy, like, pull out Connor a kike and stuff, like, just to rile her You know, he's just like, no mercy, like pull out Connor a kike and stuff, like just to rile her up. And she's just like, melting down. All of that's gone. So Marcy comes in, gets Gary's office, immediately gets the office made bigger because she wants a bigger office.

Lots of meat. And just the content of the show has changed a lot. Like, I don't, I like the celebrity interviews sprinkled into my insanity. I like the celebrity interviews sprinkled into my insanity. I really enjoyed when we'd get, I don't know, Gary the Retard involved or any other whack pack. Ronnie the limo driver.

I think Ronnie's a real piece of shit in real life. Dick's like, yeah. If you just ask Ronnie, how's your day going? He just starts here with I'm a cunt like how dare you ask me how am i what is something wrong my day like you don't think i can have a good day i have good days all the time what's wrong with me that i can't have a good day why are you so concerned about my day you know and you're just like you're a real piece of shit

ronnie um and i also think like i'm since you're a a Stern listener and most people don't know who these people are, I think that who's the – oh, fuck. What's his name? Stuttering John. No. Who's the whack packer who's the big, fat, 400-pound guy? One-hand Philip. I think High Pitch Eric is a complete character. Yeah, I'm just making him up.

I think that High Pitch Eric is a complete fraud. They had a medical expert come in one time, and she was like, oh, yeah, what high-pitched Eric has is blah, blah, blah, blah. It's when your vocal cords stay like this for your entire life, and that's why his voice is high. He can't help it. And that's just a lie. Complete fabrication. And you can hear him on the – Do you think he's doing a voice?

I know he's doing a voice because when they punished him by putting him in the fart chamber with Will the Farter farting in his face Like 15 octaves or something Not like when you in I know you can inhale helium and your voice gets higher you can also inhale argon I think don't do that kids you might die and your voice will be deeper and it was inhale Argon, I think. Don't do that, kids. You might die. And your voice will be deeper. And it was almost, it was like, I don't think he's inhaling enough methane from this man's ass that his voice is changing. Like, this isn't physics. It's Tim not able to carry on with his character.

Like, the air he's inhaling is actually thicker. I mean, it's the change of the reverberation. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's not the case. So what I see here is, like, this guy can't keep up his fake accent, fake character while he's being farted on continuously by this freak of nature um the farting guy he doesn't fart he doesn't go he is continuously with these disgusting farts and then he like gets into a position to like basically his asshole gapes open and he intakes huge amounts of air into his asshole and then he expels it and he does this

repeatedly and rapidly so it's just long disgusting that's not as bad as a real fart in the same way that like i would rather somebody fill their mouth with water and spit it all over me than actually vomit on me you know like it's not actual ass air it's just ass air adjacent like it's not actual ass air. It's just ass air adjacent. Like it's very briefly ass air. I saw a Stern episode a long time ago where he was like competitive farting or something like that. And somebody pooped. There was a little mishap. Yeah. The one where they had the guy come in and get vomited on.

Like he was into that. That's what he liked. We call it Roman chicken, I i think which is a misconception because we found out you know that based on the vomitorium thing where people thought that that was a place where people couldn't vomit but it turns out that's just the exit of the fucking coliseum that's a vomitorium but anyway yeah they had the guy come in lay on the plastic and this chick fucking like like throws up on him and he's getting off on it of course he's like yeah throw up on my body and then stern is gagging over there and stuff.

That's what I want to see. That is the Howard Stern show. And I've said it before, but I'll say it again. When they sent Gary the retard to the moon in a cardboard box, and he was so retarded that not only did he believe he went to the moon, but he got scared. Now, that is radio. They got Gary the retard to the moon in a box, and then they had to extract him.

They were like, oh, we better bring you on back to Earth so you don't get any more skin, and we don't have a retarded 40-year-old man crying on the air in front of 15 million people. There's a razor's edge between appropriately mocking a 40-year-old retarded man and going too far. I'm going to the moon! I'm going to the moon! I'm going to the moon! That's what he was saying. That's accurate. That's not mockery. Wow.

I was always more of an ONA fan, and that died, too, a couple years ago, which sucks. I need to try Old Stern, because everybody only talks good shit about it. Oh, yeah, man. It's the best. It's real good stuff, and you know like the the cast and crew and characters and recurring guests and the whack packers it's you feel like a part of unity to some extent you'll be listening to him or i'll be listening to him driving and it's like oh yeah that guy's on the phone i know

that guy's whole life history and all the things he's done and why is a cunt will there be another radio star or is it time for podcast stars oh it's podcast time now radio's done radio is done terrestrial radio certainly done um and i don't know it seems like there's a lot of politics over at the satellite radio like i mentioned oprah having a channel but have net having never been on it there's plenty of people who are like that it's kind of weird but i think the podcast yeah for sure yeah also the it used to be the issue with podcasts back in the day it was kind of the planning involved you know like if i was going to go on a drive and pick the this american lives i wanted to hear and stuff like that now it's all streamed and everywhere you go pretty much has you know cell phone connection there's just no reason to limit yourself as a consumer with SiriusXM anymore.

Where you'd be like, oh, you know, I'll just get this. No, you can have anything at the touch of your fingertips easily on demand. You don't have to wait for a show to start. You don't have to deal with Sirius's shit. I bet three years, Sirius is gone. I don't think so. They're growing. Three to five, they're not. Post-Stern, it's going to be a weird thing.

Stern kind of turns any kind of business model upside down as far as they're concerned. It's hard to feel them out and see if that is a successful thing because Stern is there doing what no one else could do. He brought an audience and just instilled them.

And there are millions of them. I think it's 30 million subscribers. It might be 20 million. But I think they hit 30 million not too long ago. He buoys them up so much that they can talk to advertisers or whatever. And be like, yeah, we got 30 million listeners. And it's like, OK, but if you're not going to advertise on Stern's show, how many are going to listen to it?

Because if they're on the music stations, they do what every person I've ever seen who had XM do, and if a commercial comes on with music, you hit your next selected thing, you'll make your way back. Whereas if you're advertising on the Bebop and Tom show or whatever the fuck, how many people are listening to those two? Is it just an enormous sum on Stern and then them implying that that is the whole base?

You've got like $20 million on Stern and then like $10 million scattered everywhere else, I bet. Or the disparity may even be even bigger. I'm processing this, and I think it's better. I'll tell you why. Let's go to music, right? Do you think podcasts are serious or better? I like the model of podcasts more. Podcasts are serious or better.

I like the model of podcasts more. So if you go back to the 80s and you're talking about music stars, they sold CDs and tapes and cassettes and shit. And that was like what they did. And only the tippy-tippy top of musicians could make a living in this, right? Only the very elite. And then they would do outstandingly well. You know, the Kanye's of the day would be like Billy Joel or Cyndi Lauper or whatever, Michael Jackson.

You go now, selling CDs and shit, that's not really a business model. But anyone who has any kind of following can get some kind of business model around this. You can be a tiny little reggae guy or folk singer or whatever. I like Frank Turner. And there's a

career for a guy that's not the next Michael Jackson. There's a career for a guy that's not the next Michael Jackson, right? There's a career for a podcast that has, you know, whatever, 150,000 people listening to it, 500,000 people. I don't even think we have hundreds of thousands on the audio side. But anyway, there's a career for a podcast that doesn't have to be Howard Stern. You don't have to be, it's not like it's Howard, Opie and Anthony, and then nothing. Yeah. Right? Yeah. There's room all in the middle. Who's the rapper we have on?

Do we have Big Wax on? Herbal Team? Yeah. I get them mixed up because they were together. But anyway, I really like his songs. I don't know that he would have had

a career in 1980 because you're either Kanye or you're washing dishes but he has a career now and I like that I like what like you know this generation business model is like it's the platform right like you've got your own platform you don't have to deal with some record label of some or so something like that where there's just tons of corruption and those same type of producers that it's it's because they're in television right? We're not hoping Sony picks up this podcast.

We have a platform and we can go straight to them. Just the Donald Trump model. I like it. You go right to the consumer with your message. Don't let CNN and their fake news filter it. No, no. Straight to the people. CNN beat Fox in the ratings.

So did the other network, whoever that is. MSNBC. Fox is third. Well, this is primetime ratings, not all day. But MSNBC was first, CNN was second, and Fox is now third. And Sean Hannity, who might be their top guy, Hammer Tucker, is now taking an abrupt vacation because this advertiser

is leaving him. Because they started leaving him. Because he's drumming up the fake news thing. It's the Sethh rich thing they're all dropping off bigly to put it that way like they all like cnn msnbc cbs all their news ratings going down and fox especially noticeable because obviously bill o'reilly leaving is like an enormous blow to them but i don't know it's i i kind of get a little dropping i feel like msnbc is rising you don't say that it's it they're not rising into like woohoo territory they're just not like the others dropping so much has suddenly put msnbc in the game but they're none of them are doing

well by by a standard of news and so it's i don't know don't know, I like seeing all those big titans of news kind of struggle because they know that they're feeling it. They are afraid of the internet. They're so terrified of all the grassroots content that can be created on the internet that's even better than what they do, more genuine than what they do, more relatable. Like, they're scared.

The problem is that the grassroots content, look, the Donald subreddit, I don't know if this is a conspiracy. Literally infiltrated by Russians. There's fake news. What? Yeah, and they're reposting stuff that's made up all the time. The Donald subreddit went wild for that

Podesta child porn thing in the basement. It's literally infiltrated by Russians? Yes, that's a thing. The mod team? Not the mod team, the posters. So there were Russians visiting there. Yeah, there's Jerry, Stephen, Adam, and Sergey. They manipulate the votes

and upvote things. This is like a thing that's been done. They're buying upvotes. they jump on fake... Like that Seth Rich thing that's going on right now has been debunked by Polifact, Fact Check, Snopes, and one I hadn't heard of called Pointer or something like that. They're all owned by the same paper. Are they? Those are all, yeah, Politifact, Snopes, they're all like, all of those, I mean, this is just my feeling about it, but those are all owned by somebody, and that somebody has an agenda. Fox News had a guy saying the Seth Rich thing was real that also came on Fox News and said there are gangs of lesbians raping schoolgirls.

It happens. Wearing pink with pink guns. I have, look, every night, every night, just before I tuck into bed, I get on the internet, and I find at least two, sometimes five or six videos of that going down, okay? I have watched hours of content of these lesbians raping these women. I enjoy the content thoroughly, and I am a subscriber, okay? It's my favorite website. I like the porn where it's like... When Kyle watches this website,

and when Kyle learns of this news, it goes yang, yang, yang, yang, yang, yang. I like the sorority hazing videos where the new sexy pledges are having to eat pussy to get into gamma, gamma pussy eater. Do they ever take you out of like by saying stuff that you know no college girl pledging would ever say where they're like oh

yeah i love the taste of that pussy and you're like god damn it no you should be saying but i have to go study for my midterm or something you know i don't have time for all this pussy eating or like but to circle back to taylor's, the problem with everyone choosing internet news is people just choose their favorite news, and it's not necessarily vetted as true or false. It's the same thing as TV news, though. Conservatives go to Fox, liberals go to CNN, or far liberals go to MSNBC or CNN at this point. When MSNBC blows a story, there's repercussions for that. It's a big embarrassment. People remember that time that CNN had the people acting like they were further

apart than they were at the Boston bombing. People remember right now Fox doing Seth Rich almost as a diversion away from the Russian story. But they get away with shit too because like Oh, go ahead, Dick. But when YouNeverHeardOfMe.com completely invents a story then

just you know another one fires up later so i guess woody i want to know there's a i think there's a difference between like political news where it's either where it's like partisan biased news one or the other and i agree with what you're saying self-selecting news is an issue yeah and then i'm i'm thinking like when you look at um the main mainstream media i guess to me surely there's a bias that you can never that you could that you could never stay on television because i'm a conservative guy and i get i get everything i have i don't have any ads. Everything's Patreon-based. And I feel like I pay a penalty for not going with the mainstream media voice. I don't know if that makes sense.

You had something akin to that happen to you with UCB. Yeah. I guess you used the Seth Rich example specifically. Do you think that should not have been broached by Hannity and that advertisers should have pulled out? So here's the Seth Rich background for people that haven't heard it. Seth Rich was working in the DNC. I think it's known that he's the one that leaked some of their emails, although I'm not sure about that part. It's not known? Okay, so it's suspected that he's the guy.

I was going to say what the controversy is is that during the time that they were looking at him as being that guy, apparently he left his shady apartment at like 4am and was murdered. And they don't know who murdered him. Was he robbed or not?

I thought I remember saying he wasn't robbed. They said it was a robbery, but nothing was taken from him. Yeah, I've heard that too. It's a bad robbery. Yeah, right? But there were other similar crimes in that area recently. It's just a bad place to be. It's D.C.

It's not the good part of D.C. The hive of scum and villainy. Yeah. And he was outside. I think it was literally 4 a.m. And he got shot and not robbed. I don't know. So that's the deal with him.

And there's no evidence that points to really anything. They don't know what the scoop is. His family seems convinced that he was just robbed and murdered like everybody else did his family speak yeah his family has asked fox to stop politicizing this to stop running this story they feel like it's fake news um where can i read that i want to but his family also has been assigned a handler by the dnc to speak for him as that's my understanding this guy appeared out of nowhere yeah i'm not saying it's wrong just i haven't heard it it's hard to keep up with

everything but um but there's the seth rich i try to present both sides of it you know and it is a little if they're looking at this guy as being the leak and then all of a sudden he dies like that's a little scary right and um yeah uh but the seth rich thing isn't compelling to me like to me what happened is yeah like the russian story really heated up right flynn was literally a foreign operative paid by the turkish government and the russian propaganda arm advising trump for uh policies that would help turkey you know like trying to like he was a full-on like double agent foreign agent type guy And he's registered as a foreign agent. This isn't controversial. He registered as a foreign agent. Retroactively at the time.

Well, what about the Russian thing, though? To be fair, I think Russia and Turkey would be opposed to one another. I don't know. So the story is heating up because Trump fired Comey, and it's all anybody's talking about. And all Fox talks about is Seth Rich. Like, oh, well, the Democrats did that. And that I think most people looking at that felt like it was a diversion tactic. I just like there's so little that has like hard evidence to it and so much that's just lying and implying in the space. Like there's I see there's as much evidence that Seth Rich was murdered as there's actual collusion with trump and putin

like there's there's not there's so much implying and this anonymous source maybe said this no confirmation okay well that story is actually not that good anymore we're gonna just have a new one there's a new anonymous source that we're gonna report on from a leak okay well that one didn't go there's a new one now we're gonna do that. It's just like they're trying to bamboozle you like they do doctors when they give a kid a shot, where they just throw balloons out and they throw tissues, and then they give the kid a shot, and the kid's like, oh,

there's balloons still. And they just keep looking at it. I see it like that. The doctors were so much better than mine. And I do see the Seth Rich thing as a, we don't want to talk, we're kind of diverting a bit. Because I just, I don't, I talk, we're kind of diverting a bit. Because I just, I don't, I see that as

compelling as the Russia collusion, which is not compelling. That was a conspiracy theory last year that got reinvented as the Russian stuff got super hot. It had more credence last year, to be fair, because people don't just drop dead, and then all of a sudden this guy who seemed to be in the middle of

all this stuff, and possibly could be this leaker, you know, and he's just murdered. It's like, wow, man, this sounds like what goes down in Russia, you know, when you hear about this political operative or this opponent of Putin all of a sudden. Oh yeah, last night

somebody tried to steal his car, and I guess that 70-year-old politician put up a fight, you know, and... And in the end, they didn't even steal his car, and I guess that 70-year-old politician put up a fight, you know? And in the end, they didn't even take his car. But then the emails showed up. Yeah, usually carjackers don't use nuclear, polonium. Yeah, they stabbed him in the leg with polonium, and that's how they're stealing cars nowadays in Moscow. Oopsie.

They give you the polonium two weeks later, they take your ride. they give you the polonium two weeks later they take your ride yeah but this this russian thing like the memcon thing that you know comey kept memos of the uh of the conversations with trump and then i wish i could remember the details just another it was like a second time do you think do you think there's a russian conspiracy with trump happening i mean okay so the way you say that is hard to do. No, no, sure, sure, sure. But the, so here's, what? I'm doing a show, you know I'm doing a show. It's Russia. It's where Drago's knocking in the door.

He's going to come kick his ass. I'll plug it in tonight before I go to bed. Plug it in in the server. Don't you better answer when I, that's it, Arnold. That's not how I'm rushing it. They all know not to bother me. I'm supposed to break you. So, she wants to

charge a battery. I'm not trying to trick you. So, here's what came out recently. It appears that it looked like there was a memo from the Democrats that said that when Bill... Who did Bill meet on the tarmac in that plane?

And the attorney, when Bill met Loretta Lynch, that was going to take care of all this email problem. Right. Yeah. And Comey saw that and, and felt like he had to get out in front of the story. This was all just,

I learned of this recently. Comey wanted to get out in front of that story and say, look, this thing's still ongoing because he didn't want the appearance of what the DNC people were going to say, which is, hey, we took care of this. The story, it's over, it's buried, et cetera. Comey felt like there was no option where he could do nothing. He was either combating that memo where the Democrats were about to say this thing is done, don worry about it or right you know the other the other way which is like conceal it and uh he felt like there wasn't an option he opted

against concealing it anyway it turns out that memo wasn't from the democrats it was planted there by the russians right this has been like laid out there and uh and fbi sadly bought it so that is why comey went out and sort of pushed back against the memo was forged. It was a memo that, you know, they did meet on the tarmac. And that was Comey's explanation for why he read. He even said like, yeah, that was when I knew. Well, apparently it was the memo that said, hey, this tarmac meeting has solved all of our problems and coma. And it was so now we're about to say that the email controversy is over and the investigation's done. So Comey was like, oh, now I have to come out and say the investigation's still ongoing.

We're looking into the Wiener thing and what have you. But to be fair, the only reason that he had to reopen it is because he closed it so badly back in June where he basically had to say, well, yeah, she broke the law. But I just invented a standard of intent and she didn't meet that standard of intent and so she's good closed up and then it came out that well this really isn't done like i want to know if you if you think russia is after something like you know we all play these like these games of like you you guys did this and we did this like i want to know like what you think r is after, I guess. Is that a fair question?

Yeah. I mean Trump literally is the guy that removed this anti-Russian plank in the Republican Party. I'd have to Google to find the details. But I looked into it and like it was literally like he said it with his own mouth. Like it wasn't just his handlers or his people. Trump is much more pro-Russia, right? When they come out and they say, Trump, you're tied into Russia. His response isn't no, I'm not.

It's, hey, I think it's good to be friends with Russians. I think, you know, like, why do we have to be enemies? Which I'll say is a reasonable question. I don't know. Obama literally ran on a Russian reset like five years ago, and there was no, ah, there's still our mortal enemy, which is something that I don't like. Well, Obama didn't have, like, foreign agents working as his national security advisor. which is something that I don't like with a lot of conservatives today where they pretend that

I don't like when conservatives today, or people on the right, I should say are now pretending like Russia is our good buddy that like, ah, it's just Russia or Saudi Arabia I remember you and I

you told me that when Hillary was Secretary of State we sold much more weapons to Saudi Arabia. And I was like, let me fact check that. And you were right. Right? Now, Trump is selling 112 billion? I don't know my numbers. A fucking ton.

A billion with a B. Weapons to Saudi Arabia. So far. It's a huge deal. I don't know maybe there's something about this that I don't understand right you know everyone says Saudi Arabia is obviously like a huge state sponsor of terrorism they're not our friends and then they get in there learn something I don't know and change their mind right maybe they're I'd like to know what it is really because you're right it is so convoluted where we all know that they're bombing yemen and they treat their citizens like shit and they're

incredibly prejudiced towards women and any non-muslims like they and not even like just muslims like the right kind of muslim like they're and we still give them tons of weapons and at the end of every day it's you know ah well you know we got to deal with them so i would want to know what that actually is all about. The right kind of Muslims. I stepped out to pee, and I came back at an interesting time. The good ones. That's what you're talking about, eh?

Yes, exactly. That's what we're talking about. Some of the good ones. We figured it out while you were gone. We figured out the whole thing. Yeah. The whole Middle East peace process is secure. Well, someone better get Jared Kushner on the line. He he could use a little little pick me up right about now uh yeah i i i don't

know you know like you're conservative right i feel like it seems that is like 80 of the issues that seem clear-cut to me the republicans have been on the wrong side of it you know like net neutrality comes to mind you know who's not for net neutrality to me must be people in the in the pocket of comcast you know like i mean i'm not for net neutrality either but i want to hear your point on it like i i know i'm in the minority of that uh i know i'm in the the minority of a lot of these issues but i'm i'm but I'm not the kind of person that thinks that me screaming about something will make it happen. So I'm way more interested in hearing what you think about this. The issue with net neutrality for me is it's modern day

free speech, right? And there's two parts, capitalism and modern day free speech. If suddenly certain sites like YouTube, which shuts people down or demonetizes videos for being the wrong topic, if it gets a preference over Vimeo, like maybe YouTube, you get all the bandwidth you possibly want on your phone. And Vimeo, it charges against your cap, right? That's a thing that people are doing. If you have that, then suddenly YouTube is the only voice that can reach people. And then there's a free speech issue here. The other issue is capitalism. If you have a brilliant idea and you want to start the next Amazon,

but there's a fast lane to Amazon on Comcast and a slow lane to Dick, then now we have an issue with an unlevel playing field and new people can't be entrepreneurs. And who's to say that you're suggesting a situation where the guys, the bigger platform, the bigger, more rich group of people is able to secure fast and speedy service to their domain. But look at the other side of it. Maybe we can ensure that the people that we disagree with, and by we I mean whoever's in power, don't get a voice. It's like, oh, well, we don't even want your money.

Keep your slow internet. Maybe Comcast doesn't want those people's money. You know what I mean? I don't like that at all. I think it kind of goes back to what you've said before about, like, I don't like it when people limit my Second Amendment, so I certainly don't like it when you limit my First Amendment. Like, either one of them.

Like, any of my rights, really. You know, just leave me the fuck alone. The second one protects all of them. Yeah, I hear you. Well, I mean, it does if you go shoot a guy at comcast but the i mean and you can see kyle's a huge supporter the other thing we talked about with the drugs right i don't i i look at it and i'm like why are the republicans on the wrong side of like locking people up forever for drug offenses they're they're it's taking a portion of our population making them dependents instead of making that entirely on republicans like i i agree with you that's bad but putting

it all on republicans is kind of ridiculous when the 90s when that really amped up the war on like clinton amped up the war on crime as well like it wasn't just a thing that was instituted and then you know uh just kind of continued and we ignored it. It's been amped up. We spend so much money. We waste so much fucking money on that shit. And we could be making money if people would just buy pot legally. Clinton would be better, but you had to go back to presidents to get to him. The most recent one was Obama.

Jimmy Carter was there too. And he backed down too. And the mandatory minimum thing started under Reagan. So I feel like this is something we can comfortably pin on Republicans. Oh, yeah. Nixon started the pin on Republicans. Oh yeah. Nixon started the war on drugs. Reagan continued. That's like a Republican thing. And Sessions is going to march it right into the goddamn

Yeah, that is ridiculous with Sessions. I'm not a fan of... I mean, I didn't vote for any of those guys. Gay marriage. Although gay marriage seems like a settled issue. I look at that and I'm like, man, why is this even a close call? Like, why are you picking on people? The Republicans are on the wrong side of that.

There are other issues that are more complicated that I barely understand. Gay marriage, everybody was on the wrong side until it was popular. Bernie Sanders was pro-traditional marriage in 2007. Hillary was. Hillary was. Obama was. Not even that long ago. His first term. There's degrees, though.

There's people who say, I support traditional marriage and then do nothing about it. And then there's people who are actively going and trying to make it so that restaurants don't serve gay people. You are right. Obama flipped and said my...

That say you can't serve at restaurants? It was literally the... That's the... that say you can't serve at restaurants? No, I hopped two fruit pancakes with the wrong way to get the hell out of here. You'd have to come in this IHOP bunch of sausages, wouldn't you? Two fruity! You ordered two fruity! Get the fuck out of here!

It was the wedding cake. You tried to face panic! It's a real thing. It's the wedding cake. They wouldn't make the cake for a gay marriage. Business owners should have the right to refuse service.

Business owners should have the right to refuse services, but there are certain protected things, and sexual orientation and race and a few others are protected against that kind of discrimination, and I think it's right. In which chance you don't have to pay ladies. Yeah, I don't think you should be able to demand service

from any private business owner. I think you should have a right to refuse service to anyone, because all that's going to happen is they're going to go out of business. Time. It's your time. If someone can come up to you in the street and say like i want to have a conversation with you no get away from me no for any reason no like make me a cake no it's my time i'm trading you i'm trading my time for this no yeah i hear you and i've made that same argument over time right like like like forcing me to serve someone is kind of a kind of slavery paid slavery

but but you know take it as you will. The way that they do it now seems to me to be the closest to appropriate as possible. You can't keep black people out of movie theaters or restaurants or whatever. You can't keep gay people out of your establishment. You can't keep Asian people.

These are all self-correcting problems. Yeah, none of these happen. Find me a restaurant in the US right now. Find me a restaurant in the US where they would make a stand about not letting black people in a restaurant. Nobody would do that. They did that until it was made illegal.

There were segregated restaurants. There were water fountains that people couldn't use. And then they made a law against discriminating based on race but do you think that this is the same culture as 1960 it's not at all like the the fact that like to pretend that a business is gonna start and be like we only make cakes for white people like we're white people white on white cakes no play because sexual orientation is the modern day racism, right?

It's gay people that they've mostly won their battle, I think. But those are the ones that are, if anybody, is still on the front lines of being not served by businesses and such. It's just it's annoying that people pretend like this is an enormous issue, that if you allow this, that suddenly all these business owners are going to turn away from their capitalistic wants and desires of making money and running a business and suddenly allow bigotry to seep into their hearts and be like, actually, I don't want brown people's money. I want clean, white, crisp dollar bills in this establishment only. Like, no, they're going to do whatever is best for the business. And if they don't, that's going to spread immediately and people will not go to that establishment like if i find out that the fucking qdoba near me or something is turning away mexican and black people i'm not gonna go there and most people won't once it gets traction but saying that like

only one in ten stores is going to be racist or or you know discriminate against gay people doesn't change the right. There's a moral argument for me. Even if it's 1 in 10,000, like, all right, but where is the right side of this? And to me, Republicans anyway are on the wrong side of right and wrong. Let me ask you something. What's the moral argument for scholarships for college?

I'm not for it. I'm not for it. I'm not for it. I feel like... I'm having a hard time balancing... You know what I'm talking about. White men and Asian men are penalized from getting into college. Yes. Asian girls too.

They have the highest scores. I could give them an education. The tightest. The tightest scores. uh yeah i i don't so to some extent like a temporary giveaway on some things right you know if welfare only lasted one year i might be okay with it uh trump's budget has these big cuts to medicare and medicaid and i want to be like well how much of that is to combat disability fraud? Because I'm pro combating disability fraud.

It's just the new welfare, right? I don't want people doing free rides. I'm okay, but I've got family and stuff. They work their asses off all the time. And they're supporting someone else. That doesn't seem right. Free scholarships. I feel like college should be something that's a little hard, that you kind of

work for. If you gave it away like you did high school, then people would coast their way into it. It's actually shitty to give, to be like, alright, well, you know, black people, you only need, you can get a 200 point bump on your SAT scores

so usually you wouldn't be allowed into uh but he was talking about scholarships that's what i'm saying like like and then they would get a scholarship for it or whatever i'm talking about lowering qualifications to let someone in is actually damaging to the people that you're letting in because that person comes in they're not prepared for that level of academic rigor and they get in there they fail and they're like well fuck like well i've been told that you know i'm a victim all the time, and I guess I was. I failed.

But really, they probably would have crushed it if they went to a school that was more in line with their academic rigor. You're not wrong, but the reason I really agree with you is the Asian guy that didn't get in because that spot was taken by a less qualified person. Like, that's not fair. It should be a meritocracy. That's my sense of right and wrong. Oh, the meritocracy. That is the worst. That is and wrong, you know the meritocracy that is the worst That is a four-letter word to me. That is the word I think everyone deserves a congratulations from making it like four and a half hours before talking

Yeah, because the meritocracy was coined by a guy who was Michael young who is specifically using using as a derogative. Really? I didn't know that. Yeah, the word, the meritocracy, was called the meritocracy, Michael Young, I think. It was that people who test into a certain sphere would be the ones who rule us. And a lot of the mechanisms that uh a lot of the mechanisms that were in the book to get you to propel you into that that ruling class exist today in my opinion um but they took

it they took it to mean merit meritocracy means like you've you've achieved and you have something you have something to show for it but that's not what it that's not what it meant in the first place and I still don't think it does but I'm too drunk to what meritocracy means between my ears is like I'm most closely associated with athletics you know the guys that are in the NBA the guys that are in the NFL NHL even Sidney Crosby got there because they were good at one point not anymore of course in the cases any Crosby got there because they were good at one point. Not anymore, of course, in the case of Sidney Crosby. But, you know, everyone got there based on merit.

And that's how college acceptance should be. So that's where I am on that. I'm starting to feel the other way. I'm starting to... Maybe education should be free and healthcare should be free. I just think... I don't think we and healthcare should be free. I just think...

I don't think we're ready for it yet. I don't think we are. I've gone back to this two or three times about that utopian Star Trek universe where you don't have to pay Captain Picard. For those who don't know, Captain Picard doesn't get paid to be the captain of the flagship. He didn't get an income.

No, he does it because that's what he wants to do and he loves it and he's contributing to mankind and all sentient life, I guess, in the galaxy or whatever the fuck. We're not ready for that, though. Like, nobody would move if it was made in pain. No, you're right. Put the people in charge of the post office and the VA in charge of all of it. It's going to go great.

It's going to go swimmingly. The DMV, have you ever walked into a DMV and had it not be a well-oiled machine? I challenge you. It's always the highest quality folks working for folks. Isn't it weird that no politician has ran on that platform alone? Look, I went into the DMV last year and I was treated poorly by everyone there. The trains will run on time. One politician can run on that.

My daughter, yeah, misleading. politician on that my my daughter yeah miss levy my daughter got her license recently if you didn't get to the dmv before lunch they close at five before lunch then you would just never get your test in time it was like by lunch it was five hours backed up you roll in there at 1 30 they're like just come tomorrow there's no way we'll get to you in the next three and a half hours and it's like a mental note of like oh okay that guy's where it ends and so even if it's like 440 and you're the guy in line they'll just pretend that they're doing other shit or they just won't pretend that they're doing other shit because they're not going to get fired taylor's made the argument on health care a couple times that most people get it through

their employer and i looked at the numbers 49 of people get their health care through their employer which by the way is the largest largest 49% of people get their healthcare through their employer. Which, by the way, is the largest group. It's just all the others combined, including uninsured is 51%. Oh, you were right then. Most people do get their insurance from their employer. No, the largest group it's not most, it's 49%. Okay, but there are separate

groups each getting their insurance from somewhere and the largest is those who get it from their employer. So most of them get it from their floor. No. Not a larger, not 51%, not a majority of the 100%. Yeah, that's what it would take to be most people. Because the people who get it the other ways are also people.

I disagree. That's not how most works. Yeah, yeah. I'm changing how most works. Isn't that 100 people? Most people get it from their employer when compared to all the other ways that people get it. That's not how most works. That's how I –

If the top percentage was like 25, it wouldn't be most either. Are there people in that group that didn't have insurance? Yeah, 9%. So of people that – okay, so we get rid of that 9%, knock it down to 91. Oh, now we're crunching numbers. But the 9% still need insurance. Who have insurance. Who have insurance, get it through their employer.

Vilify. All right. Who have insurance. Who have insurance, get it through their employer. Vilify. All right. So now you know 49% of people who – Most of them. 49% of people get their insurance through their employers.

But the thing that's important to me, and this is kind of personal for me, is that if you're not – if you can get insurance outside your employer, right? When Obamacare came through, they said, oh, you can't deny people based on childhood issues, right? So I have a special needs son. Dick probably doesn't know. So I was able to leave Cisco and buy my own insurance and start businesses, right? There's my YouTube channel. There was Woody Craft, et cetera. I was able to be an entrepreneur because I wasn't handcuffed to my employer.

It's anti-entrepreneur, anti-capitalism to say that you need to be a wage slave if you're going to get insurance. No business should get a write-off for paying for your health care. I mean, that's like having businesses, having companies pay for your health insurance is only, is giving the worst people on the planet the ability to negotiate for you when it comes to health care. I absolutely hate that companies can write that off. I don't think they should. I think they really should.

It's a business expense like any other, right? It's a part of your benefits package. It's part of your compensation package. It should be tax deductible. But that was negotiated. I think every single person should be in charge of their health insurance. I don't think companies should be I think every single person should be in charge of their health insurance

I don't think companies should be able to just buy it outright and write it off because they don't give a fuck about you but there's it's a competitive advantage to offer a good benefit plan though right it is I don't think they should be able to write it off because they're paying

that's they're giving it to you they shouldn't be able to write it off because they're paying that's they're giving it to you they shouldn't be able to write it off as an as a health insurance expense they should be this is just money i'm giving this guy if it's twenty thousand dollars in health care that i'm giving this guy a year that's what i'm paying him for salary i'm not i don't get some kind of special health insurance um write off the way it it works, they write off your salary too, right? If they gave me uniforms, they'd write that off

as well. Business expenses are business expenses. Then I don't know what I'm talking about. What are you drinking on over there? I'm curious. I am drinking Red Breast. What is it?

Is somebody's phone near their thing? Does everyone hear that or just me? I am drinking Redbreast. What is... It's a pot still Irish whiskey. Is somebody's phone near their thing? Does everyone hear that or just me? It's gone for me now. Yeah, all right. So everyone heard it. So Redbreast, is that whiskey? Redbreast, Irish whiskey.

Yeah. Huh. I don't drink men's drinks at all. Oh, not so much. Whiskey, Jack Daniels, Southern Comfort. These are all things that boys drink, and I'm not into it. I like Southern Comfort. It's like pretend whiskey.

Really? Yeah, it's super easy to drink, and it looks the same. I can drink Crown Royal. What is Crown Royal? It's whiskey. Canadian. Canadian I can drink that I can sip on that it's not too bad like I love to sip on fireball like some invalid yeah I like drinks with lots of crushed ice in them pina coladas daiquiris that's my yeah things things girls like I would prefer something sweet, too. I think.

But I just don't like the alcohol to begin with, so it's just a no-winner. Right now, none of them work for my diet. I'm trying to cut. I'm down nine. I've got, like, 21 to go. Yep. All right.

PKA, episode 336. Dick, tell them where we find your stuff. You can go to dick.show, thedickshow.com. Make sure you put the the in. It's very important. You're going to get a twink. It's a small world ride, but with twinks, if you go to dickshow.com.

Is that true? Go to patreon.com slash thedickshow. I'm there, too. I got a bunch of extra shit there like you guys probably do on your Patreon. Awesome. Check Dick out. Alright. PKA336. Thank you very much, guys.