Painkiller Already - Painkiller Already #352

Episode Date: September 22, 2017

This week on PKA, comedian Steve Hofstetter is here and they all watch & discuss Woody's para-friend almost dying, Steve shares his great airport revenge story and then we look at an interesting game better known as "dead goat polo" all this and more on PKA!

There it is, PKA episode 252 with our guest Steve Hofstetter. Kyle? And our sponsors, SmartMouth, Squarespace, and DraftKings. Talk about them more later on in the show. There are links down in the description if you just can't wait. But yeah, just ease right on into this thing. How's everybody doing? Oh, just doing so good.

Steve, how close is I on your last name, Hofstetter? Am I on target there? Close? Off? You said it correctly. That's rare. It's Hofstetter. Am I on target there? Close? Off? You said it correctly. That's rare. It's Hofstetter, yeah. Can I start out with an apology?

Of course you can. I know it's different, but the last time I was on here, I said a lot of things about your Reddit mod, Legitimate Rage, and I said I did this whole thing about how

he lived in the sewer and he was like a sewer person and that like the reason he was there is because he doesn't fit in with society and I wouldn't have said any of that if I had known I found out later he actually this is embarrassing

he really does live in a sewer and I feel so bad when i found that out like when i found out that he actually does live in a sewer like you know like you don't call a fat person fat like it's just me like they already know yeah you know and i just feel like he was you know he was probably watching this from his sewer dwelling and you know stealing internet from the upstairs earth like the world where people like we're like respected people live yeah and and he heard me say that and it it just I think it just made him feel worse about his situation and I just I want to

I just wanted to start out by apologizing so he was sitting there in the sewer listening to you roast him just hearing that little like somebody else's toilet water dripping into his home that's a good comparison with the fat thing yeah I'm sure you would have been more tactful and not called him a sewer person had you known he was a real sewer person oh absolutely not and I also I wouldn't call it a home per se, but, you know, I just, I felt like I felt really bad about it. You know, like it's the, you know, it's why you call a fat person tiny.

You know, the, like, that's why the nickname, you know. And so I just, I want to, I want to apologize and I want to nickname him Person. Just Person. Just Person. No, that's not true, actually. Fuck legitimate rage. I still believe everything I said.

Hi, guys. I missed you so much. Yeah, how's it going, man? Good way to start. Poor guy. Just living in the sewer, getting roasted. As you're saying this, I'm picturing the Futurama memes. They have people that live in the sewers.

Do you need to eat Ninja Turtle stuff? I look forward to the high-quality gifs on the subreddit that are coming our way. I can't wait for people to draw Legitimate Rage's home. Here's the thing. He actually handled the roasting real well on the last episode. I was impressed. I think he was just happy to be mentioned, even though he was mentioned in not a very friendly way and what's incredible is so the pka audience i like the reason i keep coming back on the show i love

these guys because like i can't tell you how many emails i get that are signed just random about other subjects like just be like hey i'm coming to your show in Toronto. Fuck legitimate rage. Like, it's just been absolutely incredible. And I just wanted to say thank you for that. And so it's good to be back. Well, you better not do a show near the Ninja Turtles compound that he's living in over there.

He's definitely going to bring Leonardo, Raphael, and Splinter to heckle you. You know that's coming. It's very possible. The good thing is that Splinter actually died of old age at this point. Well, that's not canon. I don't count that. Splinter's still alive and kicking. No, there's no way he was alive.

Even as a child watching that, I was like, I'd seen Animal Planet. I'm like, Jesus Christ, there's no way he was alive. Even as a child watching that, I was like, like, I'd seen Animal Planet. I'm like, Jesus Christ, like, two years from now, Splinter is going to be old as the hills, and these turtles aren't even going to have hit puberty because they live for eons, like, hundreds of years. Yeah, good point. Like, they're going to go through a cycle. They're going to be on Splinter's, like, great, great, great, great grandkid, and he's still going to die before them. So a pretty macabre existence is it gonna be like you know how like uh when teams have mascots like the georgia bulldogs are on like their 18th bulldog or whatever it is auga yeah auga does not last long

yeah it's like that with the ninja turtles like they just have like they're like master splinter but it's splinter's great grandkid yeah that i never thought of because like georgia does parade that that poor excuse for a dog breed out there like they're like hey everybody give it up for the you know georgia bulldogs and that thing just i can't breathe i've never been able to breathe it's pretty awful like like i steve in case you don't know i'm in georgia and the thing is that like they name it they put a number on the end of ugga's name they're like oh yeah that's ugga 18 and it's literally like up there 18 or 20 now and a cool thing around here is if you have one of ugga's offspring like oh yeah those are ugga puppies that i've got over there and like i know people who have had the puppies uh and other interesting fact is his dog house on the sidelines

is refrigerated they're pumping cold air into that thing to like his dog house on the sidelines is refrigerated they're pumping cold air into that thing to like keep him alive on the sidelines long enough to bring him out let him do his lap and then right back into refrigeration so he doesn't just drop dead right there they're like hey everybody give it give it up for the latest affront to science this they should name the kids with numbers too like like Like, if Ugga18 had nine kids, you could say, hey, this is Ugga18.3, and it would be his third kid. Oh, like a software thing? Yeah, 18.2. Yeah, this is 18.2 here.

I got you. Well, the name is already just an abbreviation of UGA. God, we weren't creative. Oh, man, I just realized that. You just realized? I never paid attention to your mascot. I've only ever heard of Ugga right now. And I really only pay attention to college football enough

to fuck around with you when Mizzou and Georgia play. Are we playing this year? Because we've won our first two games. Our first game was like, I don't recall who, but one of those nothing easy give-me games that they always schedule. But then for the first time in decades, we went above the Mason-Dixon line and whooped Notre Dame last week. So that's a thing.

NC State lost its easy give-me game. So good luck there. I would be very impressed at UGA's win over Notre Dame if it had happened several years ago when Notre Dame was good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now they're not good anymore. That would have been worth a lot more. October 14th, Kyle.

I'm sure neither of us will end up watching, but we'll still talk shit afterward, depending on how it goes. Yeah, I'm a big bandwagon sports fan. That's just how I operate, and I'm completely unapologetic about it. I'm a super UGA fan right now. I've got my gear over there in the corner ready to put on at a moment's notice but the moment i mean the moment that they lose they could even fall behind in a game throw in the hat on the ground spitting on see you next year all you had yourself just kicked in the nuts over uh Falcons relatively recently.

That was so humiliating because you guys were there. I knew it was coming. I even said it. I wasn't like, no, no, we're going to lose. But I was just like, it's not over at halftime. So you weren't one of those people who started celebrating early? Because that was a lot of fun to see on Twitter like look i was rooting for the falcons but at the same time like i didn't have any skin in the game and so watching the twitter timeline of all these people in atlanta showing

pictures of them like dancing and like little videos and just be like atlanta is the best we're the best ever and then like just slowly be like hey guys it's still it's it's still good right and just watching him descend into sadness i knew that's the exact opposite of what would happen here in st louis if the blues ever won the stanley cup it would be the next day and people would be like well let's not get ahead of ourselves this could still fall apart still they might take it back take It could take it back. Is that a thing in any other sport other than combat sports? So John Jones tests positive on his A and B sample.

They took the belt away. They gave it right back to Daniel Cormier. He is now the champ. Good. Cycling. Can that happen? Cycling, I guess. It was real horseshit in the cycling though because you know

they gave it to another guy who was on drugs right yeah there was there was actually there was one year uh i think it was the floyd what's his name uh there was one year yeah floyd landis where i think didn't they give it to like the seventh place guy because it was just everyone tested what and then and then he ended up being on it too. Is that true? Yeah, the guy that they gave it to, they're like, alright, top six are all on drugs and then the seventh guy's like, oh, fuck.

This isn't ending with me. You're going to have to put your name on it. Nope, nope, this is going to end up going down the line. I think the eventual winner was just a guy watching the race. Who's the big guy? Lance Armstrong. It went to 23rd place if I have my stats

right on one of his years. And you know 23rd place is just like, well, I guess my shit was better than yours or thank goodness I ran out six days earlier. Yeah, that was his... And made it so that everybody was not on roids or blood doping or whatever it is you do in cycling.

Like he still would have won, right? Like he dominated for years and years and years when everybody was doing that. Or am I wrong? Was there a while where he was – Here's what I do know. I remember him talking to – it was another American. I forget the guy's name. But it was like one of his domestiques or something who supported him and helped him win.

And he didn't take as much steroids as Lance Armstrong did. And he was leaning on the guy's wife saying like, ugh, like I'm making up numbers, but like 40cc, 40cc, that's not the level of dedication. That's what's separating me from Matt Hamill or whatever his name was. You know, like we need this guy to pump up his roids to get to my level so that he can support. The team player.

Yeah, yeah. I'm in the gym every day taking steroids like a champion. Yeah, and there was a documentary on him. And so, yeah, no, I don't know. Just because they're all on roids, Lance Armstrong may have taken roids at a professional level while some of these domestiques supporting him are going to been minor level.

Who knows? Speaking of fighting, though, did you guys see the tweet? It got some pretty big exposure on Reddit that Andrew Tate posted. Did you see about this? This was amazing. Who is Andrew Tate, real quick?

Andrew Tate is some shitty fighter. It's a picture of him fighting i i mean that's his profile picture so i assume but he uh but he's verified so i guess he's somebody but he posted he said years of chess ice cold logic coupled with the harsh reality of professional combat leaves a human mind too sharp for liberal garbage like i get if he's conservative and he thinks liberals are stupid that's fine but the idea that his argument is that professional fighting is what made him smarter yeah that's not it and chess obviously look chess is a smart man's game but like professional fight the idea of like look i know all this stuff because i've been hitting the head a lot.

And that kind of, that shakes the brain juice free. It's possible that it did, actually. It does. Enlightenment is a wall, and you need to punch through it. You know, open your mind.

The brain juice is totally shook up. I just don't think it has the same impact that he thinks it has in 50 years you can literally beat sense into someone do you think that in 50 years like they're gonna look back at this podcast and be like this fucking redhead idiot didn't know you had to get hit in the head to be smart like that that's just become i think you're saying that's yeah i don't think that that's coming I believe in a world that that'll happen yeah we all remember professor Muhammad Ali

right astrophysicist genius he just got smarter and smarter as time went on if you look up like Muhammad Ali quotes like even just on like quote brain like you can find in the beginning the good ones you're like that's pretty good that's pretty on like quote brain, like you can find in the

beginning the good ones. You're like, that's pretty good. That's pretty good for a fight. And then you scroll halfway down the page and you're like, who's this guy? Like, when did this guy show up? Like the last one is him just going, I like milk. Muhammad Ali. My favorite breakfast foods are as follows.

With repeats throughout. Yeah. Like, all right, well, throughout not quite like a butterfly sting like a bee but here you're 82 trouble keeping soup in a spoon so oh it's sad is that what happened to Stephen Hawking is that why he's in that chair oh yeah you don't know he used to to do MMA. He has ALS. He wasn't very good. He was supposed to die so, so long ago. Because ALS, you usually don't live that long with it. But he's been trucking for how long? I always assume he's closer to 100 than he is because he lives in a chair. I want to get some other physicists on this show.

People who know the difference between him, black science guy, and other elite physicists. And let me know where he ranks because I have a theory that Stephen Hawking is benefiting from some sort of like disability affirmative action that like everything he says is fucking wrong.

He loses all of the bets he makes with the other science guys. All the like wild harebrained theories he comes up with get disproven. I think that he's actually not that good. That his books are full of shit, but everyone is like, he's in a wheelchair, just be cool.

So he's like the Vine star of the science community, where he's just popular? I think that's a black science guy. I think that Neil deGrasse Tyson isn't quite as... I mean, you don't don't i never seen him do that thing on a chalkboard i never see him writing out big equations or anything he's usually just breaking down complicated shit for normal people right he's the bill bill nye the science guy of

astrophysics i'm not sure that he's that's like his thing right he's like hey i'm on tv and i'm science literate that's a thing that like like you know how you can be illiterate and you can be math literate or whatever? He says he's science literate and he understands all these things, but he's not breaking any new ground. Are you talking about Neil Tyson DeGrasse? Yeah, that's it. Yeah, I don't know. I was like, I'm going to get close enough to help him.

That's right. I'm really just. Have you guys ever heard MC Hawking? No. No, I have not. You owe it to yourself. Is this a rapping? MC Hawking is a rapping Stephen Hawking-esque,

but the lyrics are brilliant. Does it use the machine, though? It's the machine. They also did a cover of Whole of whole lot of love which was a lot of fun but they uh like there's one that says uh like string you up around uh it was i think it's string you up around a big tree with a sign around your neck that says uh whack mc like it's it's decent like trash talk but then half of it's science and that's the part i can't quote because i don't know shit about they do other songs physics like like uh like rolling on the river

wheels keep on turning if you press forward if i'm stephen hawking i would drop all the theoretical astrophysics stuff and i'd be working on a cure for als right like I'd be trying to fix that That like that thing where his bottom teeth like jut out over his lips But then he loses it all that's so ambitious though Why does he just invite a better battery like wouldn't that improve his quality of life? He could talk longer He could wheel further The man lives on batteries

Just plug him in I mean he's been like Chiz said he got diagnosed at 21 with that so I'm on if he got diagnosed at like 62 or something I can see him being like you know what I've been doing space shit for so long I'm just gonna forge ahead

but if I had the brain he does at 21 and they're like you have ALS he's like alright fuck outer space fuck gravity all of this i'm putting all this genius towards what i have you know like why would you not if you're not even see i i'm much less optimistic that he can cure als if i'm 21 year old steven halkin today i would put my entire like master genius towards slaying pussy on Tinder. That's where all my effort would go.

Because there's a limited window here, right? This guy's not going to... At 30, he'll have a hard time getting girls. So at 21, he needs to hit the gym. He needs clever things. He's got to rack up some Instagram followers. He had ALS. He can't go to the gym?

Do you think that he is likely to... For now, he can. I'm hoping it's a minor... This is a progressive disease, right? What if he's on the treadmill using his tongue to like go forward? No, not at 21! So wait, do you see like his thing? It's like the end of Flowers for Algernon, where like he sees that he's like slowly decreasing, so he's like,

I gotta invent an auto swiper for Tinder. Yes! Yeah, exactly, exactly! Exactly! It's just a piece of raw chicken on a circle going fast on his phone. Your point, Woody, about him being the pop scientist and nobody has the heart to be like, hey,

are we gonna tell him this string thing doesn't make any goddamn sense? How much longer is he gonna be around? You wanna dash his hopes? We'll just pretend. It's hard to know because how many people out there would you like know if they were lying if they did say hey this doesn't make any sense you'd be like you don't know either none of us know there's a line in goodwill hunting theory where the math professor shows uh a lot of like reverence and respect for will hunting and he look, there's like five people in the world that can tell the difference between you and me.

Unfortunately, I'm one of them, right? That's where I am with Stephen Hawking. I don't know who the fucking Stephen Hawking, Neil Tyson Degrassi, or some other guy I've never even heard of or probably can't pronounce. Michael Clark Duncan, I mean, I don't know. Neil Tyson Degrassi. Ah, he's got that good Italian look.

I don't know, I don Italian look. I don't know. Names are not my thing. But, uh, I've heard other people say that. I don't know. Dude, his Twitter is so ridiculous. Neil deGrasse Tyson. He doesn't even just do stuff like,

well, you know, in Interstellar, when they were spinning around, it doesn't make any sense. And it's like, yeah, I guess you noticed that stuff, Neil. But then other things, they'll be like, did you know that a troll the size of the one they used to break the gate in Lord of the Rings wouldn't be able to stand under its own weight? And it's like, oh, who cares? Like, do you think you're blowing minds here? No, of course not. There are aspects of him that I enjoy, but every time he writes about football and he makes fun of it, I'm just like, fuck you. Because the way he makes fun of it is he's just basically like, a lot of people like this and I don't get why.

I'm like, yeah, people say that about science too, asshole. He was in wrestling. He should really focus on the head trauma stuff because I have this theory that the NFL is going to it's began its decline and it's going to keep declining over the next decade or so because so many parents are just not going to send their children into that battlefield of brain damage.

The more information we get, the more NFL player, as soon as Tom Brady in a couple years when he's drooling on himself and Gisele leaves him, everybody's going to be scratching their head like, maybe baseball? By the way, as a Giants fan, I'm now masturbating to the thought of that under the table.

Yeah, right? That was my statement when the Falcons were behind. I was like, that's Tom Brady. He can throw four touchdowns in the next quarter. We're not out of the woods, and sure enough, not even close. So this guy, here, I'll give you a link to it he wrote a big article on how nfl ratings are dropping like in a huge way i didn't realize this was true kyle mentioned it recently and it was news to me the thing is i hate his freaking theory it's that nfl ratings are down because the product is bad, and he's talking about

the completion ratio of quarterbacks and other bullshit. What? That doesn't seem like the reason at all. I gotta say, usually when I watch football, I

get very upset by the completion ratio, and then I become a tennis fan because they're so similar you were just looking for any reason to go to tennis right instead of yeah or nfl yeah um i think most football fans and i say this i'm in a fantasy league with like professional sports writers and most of us don't know what the fuck we're talking about so like the average football fan i don't think they'll be like, you know, completions are real down this year. I feel like it's getting real boring. What would all the misses?

I think a lot of people are protesting right now on both sides regarding Kaepernick. And then there are also a lot of people who just, like you said, just aren't their kids. Their kids aren't into it. And so they're not as into it because their kids are busy playing soccer like some asshole i've got uh yeah for me it's two things two things in particular one cord cutters like that's a big deal lots of people just don't have real-time tv anymore i guess they're both kind of cord cutter issues but yeah like the reason i don't watch hockey like i used to and the reason i don't like watch football because uh you know i don't have real-time tv like i used to the other thing and cord cutting does this to you it completely makes you intolerant of

commercials so like the nfl um if i have my numbers right it's something how long is a game like three hours maybe two and a half hours of game with 11 to 18 minutes of actual football happening? Yeah. Yep. People like court cutters? In those minutes, how low is the completion rate now? Strong point. Strong point.

Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Yeah, but I just can't tolerate that. Look, there's some – the announcers can make it good between the plays, but the fact that it's so built for commercials and they just commercialize it to a level, they abused people with commercials to a point where now they threw it away. That's what I think it is.

You should get the Sling channels because that's where I've got everything now. I've got so much shit on Sling and you can watch it live there and I record almost everything because I've got the DVR package and I just fast forward through those fucking commercials. Now that doesn't really apply to NFL because I've got the DVR package, and I just fast-forward through those fucking commercials. Now, that doesn't really apply to NFL because I like to watch my sports live.

Like, the most recent UFC event, I watched it the next day and pretended it was live. And even then, I'm like, I could just glance over at Reddit and know. Like, you know, this is kind of shitty. Like, the thing that also doesn't make sense about their, oh, it's the completion rate explanation is like, well, then how do you explain ESPN as a network having like tanking right now and doing so badly? Is it because of the completion rate of the network? Like, no, like people are just tired of like you flip on ESPN and you just want to watch sports highlights like that's all that you want. You just want to be like, hey, somebody hit the ball real good or they caught it real good or they took a nice slap shot but instead they're like

all right we're gonna talk about colin kaepernick and people are like oh my god like you're you're looking all of your best consumers in the face and spitting at them because they just want to see cool cool highlights and now we're going to the internet to watch gifs i actually stopped watching espn because i was i was tired of the NFL's completion rate. You were tired? It really just got to you that much? Absolutely. And I'm going to try to fix my camera.

Oh, that did fix it. Briefly. The Kaepernick thing is really big. I was listening to the radio, and they were talking about the situation with the Browns, where I guess maybe 12 or 13 players took a knee at a recent game and there are a lot of people who do not like that anyone who's ex-military anyone who's fought and died and lost or it's a friend who's in the military like like the way they think about the flag and what it represents is a little bit more potent than the average person and that makes up a huge amount of your sports fans. The same guys who are fighting

and dying for that flag are also sitting there through the commercials to watch people catch or not catch the ball, either way. The NFL demo in particular, I think Kyle's right. There are other sports with a different demo who might be more tolerant of it,

but in the NFL, yeah. People don't like that. If I was king of the NFL, yeah. People don't like that. If I was king of the NFL, I would get that stuff off camera. You know what I'm surprised hasn't happened yet? Because, I mean, I don't watch baseball because it's just so slow. And, like, I just prefer to watch highlights if I do watch at all. I'm surprised that some baseball player, because they need even more time between pitches,

hasn't just, like, taken a knee for the fuck of it, like, as he's adjusting his glove or something. You get as much time as you want in baseball. That's the thing. The pitcher can be like, hang on a minute. He can call in the whole infield and have a little powwow. I hate that. I love it because it's tactical. I like them.

No one's football, but they're on the clock. Fuck that. I like baseball. It's America's past time. Focus on that word, past time. It's America's past time. Focus on that word. Past time. It's when you don't have anything else to do and you need to kill three, four, five hours. It's past time

as in past as in it's dead now. Perhaps. I love those games that go like 18, 19 innings and you're just like, oh my god, they're running out of players. I'm always hoping that somebody who doesn't even pitch has to go out there and try to pitch. they're running out of players. Like, who are they going to... I'm always hoping that somebody who doesn't even pitch has to go out there and try to pitch.

Oh, that's a lot of fun. There's a... On the baseball Reddit sub, there's always an alert whenever there's a position player pitching. Really? Just because it's so much fun to watch. And as a Mets fan this year,

let me say that the highlight of the season has been watching our backup catcher pitch a couple times. How do they do? I'm not a big baseball... I'm not even a small baseball guy. So sadly, much better than the pitchers. Get out! They do okay? Sometimes. Often they'll like throw...

Because they're only throwing like an inning. So often they'll actually do well. Yeah. That blows me away. If you were to take a left wing in hockey and make them play goalie, it would be really funny. It would go terribly. It wouldn't work. And also, though, but here's the difference.

A lot of these guys aren't used to hitting, like, 60-mile-an-hour pitching. That's the Conor McGregor theory. Oh, he's so unconventional. Mayweather won't know what to do. He'll figure it out. That's how softball pitchers can strike out baseball players. That's a different reason. I thought it was because the speed was so different that you'd have to totally retrain your baseball brain.

Can I guess? The thing about off-speed pitches is it's not that a professional ball player can't hit a 60-mile-per-hour pitch. They totally can as long as all the pitches are coming at 60 miles per hour. It's a timing issue. The thing is when you're setting your timing up, your swing up for a 90-mile-an-hour fastball, and then the guy throws a pitch that's 60, you're already beginning your swing. You're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, and you're trying to stop, and you're like a fool. It's like a basketball.

That's also how it looks. Yeah. Does it really? Yeah. It's very cartoonish. They get all out of sorts. I watch these montages of MLB happenings, whether it's the fights or the trick plays. I can't remember the name of the pitch.

It's not just an off-speed pitch, but there's a specific pitch. Yes. Would you say it again? The Ephus pitch. The Ephus pitch is ridiculous. It's basically like it's someone tossing maybe at 40 miles an hour. You ever see like an okay ceremonial first pitch from like a bank executive in her 50s? That's what an Ephus pitch looks like.

It's not a pitch it's a throw and it's it follows you know an 88 mile an hour fastball so they're timed up for that and then this thing comes in at 55 and they look like fools but the thing about the thing that makes it difficult softball is the whole trajectory is different it's coming from down and rising up it's coming from low the release point is weird it's coming from down and rising up. It's coming from low. The release point is weird. It's hard to pick the ball up. These guys have been training their entire lives. The ball's coming from up here and it's going up to down and all of a sudden this thing's going down to up

and you can do weird stuff to the ball when you're throwing it that way. Also, the delivery's different, right? So Kyle's talking about reading the ball and its trajectory, but people read the pitcher, right? And they're not used to reading an underhanded pitcher. Totally true. The real trick is that everyone who ever tries to hit just guesses it where it's going to be. Just be like, I hope it's this way. I have a paramotor talk story and it's, I think, look, I don't do this every week,

but I think it's interesting. So do you know what a paramotor is at all? No? Here. Is that like a motor that's missing their arms? That's pretty funny. It's a fan that you fly around on. Oh, so like a very mini jetpack. Yes, but with a big parachute over it and a giant turbine on your back. Oh, yeah.

I remember the last time I was on, we talked about the clickbait title of the, like, I almost die when I'm parasailing or whatever the hell it is. I remember that. Yeah, so here's a picture of it, just to get you up to speed on the sport in, like, 10 seconds. There's a big butt fan on your back, a wing over your head. You run into the sky and you can fly around. Well, this is my friend.

And he had a bad day. Yeah, it doesn't look promising. That's what I like to hear. I'm ready to start at any time. Yeah. All right. So let me... I want this thing to fit in the screen a little better.

Hold on. I'm just doing a little getting ready. That's why I don't do sports like this, because a bad day at most other sports means like, oh, I went 0 for 4. So before it starts, he's on the speed bar, which means his feet are out, and it makes the wing kind of tip down a bit.

So anything that goes wrong goes like extra wrong. And that's all you really need to get going. So if you're queued up at zero, ready, set, play. Starting off strong. Yeah. Look at that speed bar action. Something's wrong. Look at that wing. action. Oh, something's wrong. Yeah. Something's wrong.

Look at that wig! He's... That is not coming back! So all of his strings are all like... Coiled up and he's spinning and he's spiraling down toward the water at like... 40 miles per hour. That's the reserve chute. Boom!

He hit the water so hard. Oh. So hard. Yeah. He hit the water so hard. So it's just really good that he was over water. I was just talking about that impact. Do you think he thought like... I should have just took it up

bowling so this is my friend just to put it out there oh by the way he's a good pilot he's a much better pilot than I am he's an instructor he's more experienced yeah yeah but but he flies an aggressive wing and it didn't go right man I almost it I want to play the last couple seconds for people just so you hear him. There. I did it. I'm so glad you guys were quiet for that. But, yeah, so he's flying along.

He hits speed bar. I don't know if the reasons why this happened are interesting, and we don't even know. But the theory is that there was kind of a temperature wall in the air, so it was like sinking over the water and then warm over the land, and when he hit it, it caused his wing to deflate because some of the air was going down and the rest of it was going up. And then it didn't recover from that deflation well at all,

and he landed in the drink. He threw his reserve, but he landed on his back hard. Here's the problem with a sport like this. I know how to hit a pitch because of how many times I tried and failed. Yeah. So how many times does this happen before you're like speaking about your friend in past tense? Yeah, right. Probably like twice.

It's good that he was over water. It is. I would have been for sure death if he wasn't over water, right? Like would have died. Injury, I think. Because he had the reserve. But he hit the ground at like 30 miles per hour or something like that. And on his back, it breaks his back. There's more to the story that's not in the recording he um so the number one

killer of a paramotor pilot is not hitting the ground he's paramotoring it's drowning it's drowning that's how people die they drown. And so he hit the water. And he can swim. But he's not like a surfer, competitive swimmer, one of those real water comfortable guys. So he got like two of his buckles undone. And then that's as far as he could get. So the number one killer in baseball is fastballs because one killed a guy in 1920 so that's the number one killer we have those stats beat in paramotoring

so you got like your sport should not have the number one killer your sport should not have multiple causes that are jockeying for position. Yeah, you know what the number one killer in every sport should be? Heart disease. People just cross the board. Like, that's what it should be. If it's so dangerous that it's, uh, what is the name of that South American sport? Like, pay, pow, wherever.

They have these big hook things. Oh, high-lie. High-lie. And they throw these ceramic balls at hundreds of miles an hour. That's another sport where there is a number one killer, which is playing that sport. 200 miles per hour, not even exaggerating. That's where the records are. It's insane.

200 miles per hour. And they're not throwing a Whipple ball or a rubber ball or a Superball. It's like you said, it's hard like a pool ball. It's outrageous. I didn't picture, hey, he's drowning in the water, unable to get his clips off to transition into high lie when this is going on in my head. You're talking about dangerous sports. You guys know about, I think it's called boozkashi or something. It's this sport where they have to spear a dead goat and use it as the ball.

That's not sporting at all to kill a dead goat. How is that more interesting than my friend drowning? How did we digress from that point? He didn't actually drown. It's false when he dies. So he got two of his buckles off. Yeah.

So did he lose his whole paramotor in the lake? No. He had kind of resigned. Like he thought, all right, this is the end. And then people came along in a boat and grabbed his paramotor and lifted his face above the water. So, oh, wait, he thought he was going to die? Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry.

Do you want to go back to your goat story? Yeah, actually. You take the goat and then you go toward the goal. You're on a horse at the time, which is what makes it a really difficult sport. I get so much shit for interrupting. I'm like fourth worst on this podcast. Alright, Woody.

I apologize. But not in the way of I apologize to legitimate rage. I actually mean it. Tell us how your friend should have died. Well, basically, they lifted him up, and then he, like, he had a special kind of knife. He cut himself out of the paramotor, and they put him on the boat, and they took him, and there's, like, an ambulance waiting for him.

And then police commandeered the boat, recovered his equipment, and they took him to the hospital. Somewhere, like, loading into the ambulance or driving to the hospital, he kind of regained his senses. Like he was a little bit of shock having hit the water and it just wasn't the best version of himself. And all they really knew is that he fell like 300 feet from the air with a paramotor. So they're treating him like he's really, really hurt. But in reality, he just had the shock of like a big experience in some cold water. So he goes to the ICU. There's like a trauma team, like ready to address all things that they didn't realize were wrong. And they get there and they're like, oh, I guess you're okay. And that's kind of how the story wraps up. He was completely

unhurt. And he just got his gear back today or yesterday. Was there anyone near the lake who didn't know he was paramotoring, who just thought he was a god that fell from the sky? I hope so. I hope so. Probably. See, there's a thing about paramotoring. You say, because it's so familiar to you, you're like,

oh, and they saw this guy paramotoring. If this wasn't a hobby that you did, and obviously we're friends, so I know about it, but if I saw someone doing that and I didn't have the experience of you, I'd be like, what the fuck? What's happening? What is that man doing up there?

He's going to get hurt. Is he sitting on a chair up there? What kind of jerry-rigged machine? A really low-budget Air Force is attacking us. That's how North Koreans drop in dropping their bombs one guy up there but they're water balloons and it's okay radio so so okay so it's a giant fan strapped to his back and so the the boat were these like people who knew he was paramotoring or whatever? He was paramotoring. He was just fortunate that they were there.

He described them as bros and they were on a pontoon boat. I think they were having some sort of like on the boat party. Yeah. And they saw him. And they were like excited. They're like, dead guy. Spring break's the best. I know.

Free paramotor, dude. Fall over the sky. Yeah. I also just picture the cops who, like, you said the cops commandeered the boat and took everything. I picture one of them just paramotoring around, just doing it like all the others. It's like, look what we got, guys. Get a paramotor. With one working.

Did you find a video of this did oh you did oh yeah yeah yeah because i'm very familiar with this uh this goat polo type sport it's really cool i think it was featured in a rambo movie one time it's an outrageous fucking sport i don't know very much about it but i think you guys are riding around on sure it's a kazakh sport which is where borat is from and so this could just be a skit that didn't make the movie. Keep it in mind. No, this is real. They also drink fermented mare's milk.

The Kazakhs are an interesting folk. I'm ready. Okay, are we watching this? Three, two, one, play. All right, a lot of gentlemen on horses and a dead goat. Pick up the dead goat. Oh, this isn't nearly as bad as the one I've seen. And now this guy's just running away with the goat.

This can't be funny for anyone. They're all on horses fighting over a dead goat, trying to get it in the circle. And then they get it in the circle and they all ride away like, Oh, that was a good one, Khadif. You really got a goat. Be like, oh, you're the goat. Yeah. I like that in Kazakh, they have GoPros on their helmets just like we do here. They can't afford us fucking football.

Kazakh, we are going to go play Goat Spear. Bring your GoPro. on their helmets just like we do here. They can't afford us fucking football. We are going to go play Godspear. Bring your GoPro. We put it on YouTube. We will show the people of the world how cultured and advanced we are. We don't need balls, pucks, or anything for our games.

Look at that! They were very disappointed when they found out that pigskin was a euphemism. Ah, totally were. They're watching football, and they're like, where is pigskin? It is actually literally made of a pigskin, though, right?

They used to be. Yeah, now they're not. Now they're like acrylic or whatever it is. That's why the ratings are dropping. Really? The football material. It's some sort of pussy ball that's not even... Nah.

I want the nostrils to be on the end of it. That's how we should have the pig snout with the nostrils and everything still on there. You know what kind of crazy trick plays you could probably do if you had the wind resistance? Oh no, and look. Manning there with the oinker play.

Yes, the oinker play. He's used the nostrils. Why is the announcer British of the NFL? What just happened? It shouldn't. I think there are big championships and controversies in this GOAT game. Like, Khadif inflated the GOAT prior to the game. All the money's gone off. It's like, what? No. in this goat game. Like, Khadif inflated the goat prior to the game. Over what he's worth.

What? No. Like, there's no, there's nowhere on, no, you know what they should do? They should have eaten the goat as energy prior to the game and made a ball from its hide.

Like, this, like, there's no excuse at this point in time to be using dead animals as the ball in a sport. Like, if you showed this to North Koreans, they'd be like, that's a sport like if you showed this to north koreans

they'd be like that's a little fucked up man like just use a football baseball something like baby american baby yeah it'd be easier to throw than a decapitated goat i saw a clip on cnn where there's an american reporter they're watching some korean kids playing like some sort of machine gun shoot them up arcade game two kids each with fake machine gun shooting the screen and And they're shooting Americans like that's the game and he's like you killing Americans because like yeah Well, I'm an American you want to kill me. He's like yeah He's like yeah, you're interrupting my game asshole This is our school.

They just launched another missile. But I love that we're able to get self-righteous over that, but at the same time, how many years or decades and decades were the bad guys in movies just whoever we were fighting at the time? All of the years? Yeah, all of the years that they had movies yeah they're still too lazy to replace russians a lot of the time where they'll be like oh we're doing a cia they just put russians in there fuck it kind of it kind of came back around

yeah if you stick with that trend long enough and you're you're bound to hit it's like fashion you know superman too like in in superman 2 when they when they like gave the uh the zod and his crew like they gave zod and her because the other guy didn't speak but they gave those two like random british accents because they were like they're different remember we hate different aren't we supposed to hate different and that's like these guys apparently they're from the British part of Krypton makes them a little high class yeah look down on the other tonight's I did that I was just thinking you wait for a long enough it comes back again

speaking of fat what shirt is this is it American ego Hofstede like what what the people give me a hard time about this shirt say was mine yeah it's a lot of it is this a Hofstetter shirt? Is this a Hofstetter? Do you mean Hollister? There's no Hollister.

Thank you. Thank you. That's what I was going for. Yeah, now you can't go with Kyle and Taylor. They will fuck with me all show long. But – Dude, I own a ton of Hofstetter shirts. Oh my god.

There was like a big thing. Like people were hating on – I have three of these. So get used to it, PKA fans. I think I of these. So get used to it, PKA fans. I think I look nice. I was sure to break it out just for all the people that don't like my shirt. Apparently, it was

fashionable for young children in the 90s to wear these, I guess. Yeah, also for guys that like young children for the 90s. Yeah, that too. Yeah, so Hollister is a, it's actually,

it's an LA brand and it was like a big, like a kind of California surf type of thing. Yeah, lots of, in the window

they'd always have some like ripped dude but a little, little homosexual with a posing. It's a bunch of, bunch of surfer guys all touching each other.

This is kind of ringing true. Uh-huh Like as Hollister was like and I was in I guess middle school That was like the shit to wear was Hollister and American Eagle and I remember walking in the mall to Hollister and not Understanding why like my dad or grandpa or something be like I'm gonna wait outside why like my dad or grandpa or something be like i'm gonna wait outside because like you walk in and it's just like kyle said it's a large shirtless 16 year old boy not wearing any of the clothes you're you know ostensibly going to be purchasing a mannequin or a person like a giant

person you know it depends on the mall yeah and then you walk in and you just get assaulted with that uh with that perfume spray i had a friend who works there in high school and he he like would get flashbacks when i'd see him at college and we'd be like on a break we'd get them all doing something and he'd walk by and he'd be like oh that smell dude that smell i had to go around every day at 4 p.m with a gallon spray jug of lysolol perfume. Like Lysol-like, but it was just perfume, and spritz it on everything. So he has, like, mall perfume spritzer PTSD?

Yes. He can't shop there anymore. That brings back so many memories. Do you remember those beaded surfer necklaces with the trendy sunglasses that were also for sale right next to the shirt? Oh, like those hookah shell necklaces? He has post-traumatic spritzer disorder. Yeah, he does. Yeah, that was the shit back then.

Post-traumatic scent disorder. They both were. Yeah, I guess I told my wife that all of my shirts looked a little stretched out and dumpy, and I wanted something new. And I thought I had two of these. Now I realize I have at least three. So, yeah used to it pk how old are you guys how old are you guys 13 you're 13 or you dress like it yeah so i'm also all right i'm 44 all right i'm 38 so when i was a kid like the stuff my older brother wanted is what i wanted so when I was a kid, like the stuff my older brother wanted is what I wanted. So when I was a kid, it was like, remember Ocean Pacific?

Remember OP? Before OP meant original poster. So the OOP and then members only and starter hats. Oh, yeah. Oh, God, I wanted a starter hat so bad and then what ends up happening because I grew up pretty poor and so what ends up happening is that like 5 years after they're cool

I see one at Goodwill and I'm like I'm going to get a real starter hat and then like nobody else gives a fuck is this my wife's midlife crisis like is she now dressing her husband like the guy she wanted at 13 years old? Maybe that's what's

happening here. If she starts frosting your tips, you don't know. All of a sudden, you walk in and the next person you look like Lance Bass. And she's got the no-strength patch down. I remember I'm younger than

Steve. I'm only 26. What was big when I was growing up in the late 90s, early 2000s, where now looking back, these are the most hideous things ever. But do you remember JNCO jeans? Yeah. Oh, JNCOs. Hell yeah. We didn't wear those.

We looked down on those people. I'm just – even the cool kids were all southern enough to look down on the JNCO stuff. Like that was considered some sort of like, I considered some sort of skater kid type thing. Like the big loose fitting stuff. Only either black people or skater kids wore that stuff. No, that wasn't the way it was here. I remember the JNCO jeans being cool. And I remember long hair being the shit.

And some people don't have hair that can get long without being ridiculous. My hair is not long at all right now. It's just i didn't put anything in it and it's fucking thick and so when i grow my hair out it gets curly and poofy and shitty and at like 14 like my mom would be like taylor please cut your hair it looks awful can i tell you guys you don't know what's in and now looking back at those pictures i'm like oh mom yeah one in your column you know can i tell you guys the worst i think the worst thing i ever did fashion wise because i couldn't even afford the dumb shit like i had i had like imitation jingos that weren't as big so like i guess they were better in that way but i had so in early years in high school like 14 15 years old i part i had a

side part because that's all i knew like i went to the barber with my dad and he was like give him a side part and i was like i don't know other choices so i had a side part and so then when i was 15 i was like you know what i'm gonna do something different i'm gonna rebel and so i just had them shave this part like just the part below the part. And I had the rest of it. Like a brain surgery. That's the fuck boy haircut, right? That's the head injury cut.

That's Steve. When your dog gets operated on. And like they shave like a part of your dog. That's what I looked like. I always feel bad for those dogs. Because it's like, you know the dog's not dumb enough to be like, you couldn't shave my whole body? Made me look a little better, you know?

My dog had that. And people would come up to me. Because my dog had that because he had a tumor removed. And people would come up and just be like, oh, you gave your dog a weird haircut. I was like, you don't know what the fuck this is? You don't know what a surgery dog looks like? He's very sick. Yeah.

He's dying. You made a really weird choice. Every dog hits an age where it's just a tumor bonanza. Have you ever met somebody's dog and they're like, this is Stitches. He's 14 years old.

And you run your hand on it and and it's just like Braille. And you get half of one cat on it. Like, oh, I'll take your one. Can we start a band called Tumor Bonanza, please? That'd be a good one. I'll shave the side of my head, and I'll be the front man. Totally pale and skinny. A few years from now, I'll rename one of my dog's stitches

just to fit. He's got scars and bumps. We'd always spend the money to get those dogs multiple fucking cancer surgeries. Like my mom's dog, Bell. All of her dogs live for an inordinate amount of time.

Like my mom and dad's dogs i should say like 16 17 years and shit like that because like i'll see people on reddit like especially cops they'll be like you know we're the dog's getting put down so the guy's carrying his dog and and all the cops are saluting and you know i'll start crying a little just from that fucking picture it's like a it's like double rule of cops saluting the service dog who's or the cop dog canine uh and he's carrying him in to murder the dog right and i'm always like jesus two thousand dollars and that fucker would live another 18 months maybe like come on like like like but it doesn't make a good picture it does make a good picture i guess like like that's why

pet insurance should be mandatory i actually so I have I have pet insurance I didn't even know what it was and my so my ex-wife got it like when for our dogs and I didn't even I was kind of like all right whatever this seems like a scam seems like you're paying them a lot of money and you know they don't cover anything and then so then I had it for this dog and he got a tumor in a couple of months. He got a tumor, then ate something off the ground that had a pod in it and got THC poisoning and gave him seizures. By the way, don't fucking blow pot in your dog's face. You sadistic assholes.

If you're listening, don't ever fucking do that. They're allergic anyway. So, uh, and then he got a colitis and an infection because of how he was being, you know, being treated. And this all happened at once. And you don't even know the mental disorders this thing is dealing with from all of that. Yeah. I don't even want pet insurance. I think if I just got a backhoe, I could take care of the problem equally effectively.

Well, it was like I get the bill and it's $12,000. And then, like, the insurance insurance it was $1,000 yeah And so I was like oh yeah, this is practice. This is a good idea now. I get it do you understand backhoes six grand? I think I think I have a plan Yeah, but you don't get you have to buy a whole nother dog And if you have to do that five times and you're buying quality dogs Then you just save money in the long run with the with the insurance right? Check the math we don't have a pet cemetery in your back oh mr. Woodworth the dog killer look at him out there bearing another one but I

love 15 years from now hopes kids are gonna be playing around in your yard and digging just randomly you're like don't dig over there That's buried treasure be like oh is it gold no, that's our dog named treasure There's also buried rubies. Yeah, you just go into a whole pun thing. You need to name all of your dogs after, like, precious jewels now. Sapphire. Oh, man. I don't care if it's a cat, though. Like, no need to use a cat.

I would never buy insurance for a cat. They wouldn't buy it for me. A dog would buy human insurance for me if it had the concept and the means. A cat. Yeah. Like, it would be like, no. A cat would get a insurance for me if it had the concept and the means. A cat... Yeah. Like, it would be like... A cat would get a backup. A little bit less if I need to.

I actually... I'll make sure my human's safe. A cat, it wouldn't cross its mind. A cat would buy insurance for you and then kill you to collect the insurance money. There you go. Yeah, it would. Cats are absolutely fucking cunts. I don't understand.

Like, people are like... People will self-admit that they're a cat person And it's just like you just admitted you're a douche bag You just admitted you're an awful kind of person like like like the dog is We have we have genetically bred these things to love us so much And that's that's why I like when people are like cruel to their animals or like when I see those animals left to drown in Texas or Florida just chained to a tree. It's so scummy.

There's a YouTube channel called Big Dawgs, and they did this clip where he went around dressed in a suit with a suitcase full of money, and then tried to buy people's dog. Like, tried to buy people's dogs,

and just to see what the reaction would be and so i was talking about doing a collaboration and because no one would sell their dog like that was the thing there was one guy who like said to his wife like hey he wants to buy our dog and the wife was like shut the fuck up so uh i had a theory though and so we might still do this i was gonna do a collaboration with him where we went around and knocked door to door and tried to buy people's cats and showed that people actually would sell us the cats like they wouldn't give a fuck you know what you get like two doors in and they'd be like how much are you charging 100 200 it's like no no no we're gonna pay you oh my god come in you know but that's true like if you're attached to a cat like if you're attached to a dog and someone's

like hey i'll give you i'll give you five grand for that it's like i don't care if that's a great roi on my dog it's like no like this is a family member whereas with a cat it's like if you were offered like a little bit of catnip right now to to cut my achilles tendon with your fangs you know you would do it it wouldn't cost you what would the number be for you do you have a dog i don't have a dog currently no who has a dog among you i have three dogs and woody i do all right what's the number what would you it depends on the dog i have i have one that i will gladly just give you he's got a free dog. And he's got a...

Which one's free? I'm kind of joking, but Buddy is clearly the least favorite dog. And what's funny... So my wife counts on the idea that he doesn't speak English. I don't know. He's a lab. Are they German? I'm not sure. But... She's always in front

of the lab being like, you are my least favorite. Ah, I can't wait for you to die. Those hips don't look good. These are things that she says to Buddy. And what's funny, Buddy loves you. Is she talking to Buddy or is she talking to you but looking at Buddy? I got good hips. Oh, my God.

Why did you limp around in the shop? She's like, oh, yeah, you're in your last leg now, boy. She's like, hey, Buddy, you should go paragliding again today. Nobody's in the Game of Thrones room doing lunges. No, these hips are great. She's talking about the dog for sure. I've got a great rotor movement. Buddy's sweet.

Like Hal said, these things are bred for ages. Buddy's also a giant pain in the butt. He's scared of everything. He's scared of the floor. It's hard to tolerate after a while. Is he playing just a giant game of the floor is lava? Yeah, and he appears to be

afraid that he's going to fall off the floor. Everything is like, it's ice, he's skating, he runs from carpet to carpet. He doesn't do well on hardwood, which is everything. They make little dog socks that have rubberized soles it's like a sock you put it over the dog and then it's rubber down there like we we've tried the socks kyle he doesn't even want to pay for insurance he wants to bury his fucking

dog in the backyard he doesn't like they made to buy socks they made little rubber things for his fingernails so that he could like get traction. He took them off immediately. He just started biting on them and such. Look, he's really sweet, but he has a giant pain in the ass. He cheeks his meds. That's one dog that Steve can buy from you. Okay. Kyle, I know your answer.

You have to answer as though it's one of the dogs that you like because I know that you would sell dac in a second yeah yeah if uh one of the dogs hates you the dogs that i love the most like oh man like what are their names you have to really think about it so say their name god i am thinking about i'm looking at his little face ah man i don't know his name was robert paulson yes it would be a lot it would have to be like a maybe a hundred thousand dollars because that's a lot of money see i would have to think like what are you gonna buy with the money and i'm thinking like like oh my god or like a porsche 911 you know and it's like shit i don't it i don't know it would it would be an inordinate amount of money more than more than you'd ever pay for a dog a hundred thousand dollars is hard to say i think i'd have to go higher than that and because there's part of me that's like i wouldn't

sell them for anything but then there's also part of me that goes well what if i donated a lot of that to animal rescue like what if he saved the lives of a ton of other dogs? What are they going to do with the dogs? And then it spent the other half on hookers and cocaine. What if I bettered the world? I'll tell you what, if one of those Chinese places that skins dogs alive and eats them

is offering, then no. You can't buy my fucking dog. But if some couple with a kid wants to buy my dog, that completely changes the scenario cuz like he'll forget me Yeah, maybe he'll forget me after a while. Maybe you won't maybe I could visit even you know Like I show up and be that be that like like like the no no no you're not allowed to remain friends Dad who like drives by that drives to the neighborhood and kind of waves at his kid

They can they make this like can they make this a sequel to Indecent Proposal? Oh. I'll give you $1 million for one night with your dog. Oh. Yeah. That'd be even scarier. What the fuck are you going to do to my dog? Am I going to want him back?

He's a boy dog. Yeah, man. To be real, Kyle, if someone offered you $50,000 for your favorite dog and they opened up a suitcase full of cash it was in it's in 20s because 50 grand wouldn't look that cool in a hundreds in a suitcase and so you're gonna have a hard time turning that down I turn it down now I love the dogs. Also, all four of us are in a position where none of us are starving. We're all doing fine. Woody is flying as a pastime, like some sort of weird Icarus. And so none of us are – I mean, yeah, would $50,000 or $100,000 help our lives? Absolutely. Would it change our lives,000 help our lives? Absolutely. Would it change our lives beyond the point of recognition?

No. And so that's also why, like, the money's got to be so high that you wouldn't even recognize your own life. It'd have to be lifestyle changing. It depends who's buying it. It really does. If it's that perfect scenario like I described where it's – Where you can play Little League with your dog still? Yeah. You could, like, coach your dog on his team dog's team yeah that's totally different i could see doing that

i'd cry i'd feel real bad but but like if it's like some sort of like we're not even gonna tell you what we're gonna do or if it's animal testing like we're gonna test cosmetics on your dog nah you can't have my dog you can't yeah fuck off your dog has a very weak chin. We're going to test contouring products on it. As long as you're not, like, pouring mascara in little bunnies' eyes, and you're just kind of beautifying them a bit, I don't have a problem with it. That's what I choose to imagine is happening there. Like, they're just putting lipstick on them. What, you think that they're, like, legit putting lipstick on a pig?

No, no, of course not. What they're doing is going, how much of this lipstick could a three-year-old eat on accident before it dies? Let's feed as much as we can to this Doberman and see what happens. Absolutely. The idea of animal testing is just about, like, if we put this on this animal's skin,

will it die? And then they just write down, yes, it died. I would feel a lot better if I heard that we were testing cosmetics on foreign impoverished children than I do when I hear about the testing. Why does it have to be children, right? Can't it be prisoners or bad prisoners?

Because the children have never known anything better. You can't just yank some human being who's lived a life out and like, oh, now you're a cosmetic tester oh god no we're gonna braise your skin every day and drip what if i told you that this was actually part of trump's daca plan and he was gonna take the dreamers it's actually i gotta say it's probably a better job than l'oreal it's probably a better job than a lot of the ones that people are taking now like if you said to someone like okay we're

gonna test cosmetics on you or you could be an uber driver like i think a lot of people would just be like i did a quick scan to see if they were a sponsor this week oh we're seeing oh well how many uh how are you testing the cosmetics you know that would be a real question it might be better than being a driver like i woody is on to something with this prisoner thing not just any prisoners though violent offenders and they have to wear the makeup after it's been tested on them to like fuck with the hierarchy of the prison like i've got like uh like a high level gang guy or a neo-nazi or a whatever the names the other gangs are and you and their leader has to you know look like a doll all day and maybe maybe like let's not you know

you don't have to like really fuck with them you could be like hey you can draw a swastika on your forehead it just has to be with this particular shade of lipstick like it just has to be with you know with night out rouge or whatever the fuck they call it you know what that's fair that's fair you know let them express their creativity the way that they want to liberal softy i'm such a liberal allowing these guys to draw swastikas you know like the liberals would but it's it's helping businesses too because then l'oreal can be like look there's not a swastika burn on that guy's arm from where our night rouge you know you know whatever was there so you can you save animals you although all the job to a

every time i've ever heard of like a cult one of those makeup colors now, those makeup colors have gotten so slutty. All of them are just like, fuck me boots pink. It's all like that now. Midnight rendezvous. Oh, shit. Yeah. Or like the one at 2 p.m. rendezvous. Oh, what does that look like?

Dude, song lyrics. Here's a few names. These are real. the one at 2 p.m. rendezvous. Oh, what does that look like? Dude, song lyrics. Here's a few names. These are real. Mac, Underage Lip Glass. Wait, Underage? Oh, I'm familiar with that one. Yeah, it's called Underage Lip Glass, not Lip Gloss. Yeah, I'm on that same one, Chiz.

NARS, Deep Throat Blush. Deep Throat Blush? Yeah, it doesn't come off on the penis. Yeah, that's the... No, it doesn't. The SE Trophy Wife Nail Polish. blush deep yeah it doesn't come off on the penis yeah that's that's the no it's uh yeah nail polish trophy wife nail polish i think that's a good one because then like you know how like certain stores you know you'll walk into a walmart and be like oh this is the ethnic products aisle yeah you know like it'd be good where they'd be like, oh, this is the empty, I used to be hotter, and I'm gonna be an alcoholic soon aisle. You know? So you just know where to shop. Oh, yeah, tequila right here, holy shit. Look at this, Urban Decay Snatch Eyeshadow. Snatch? Urban Decay Snatch? That sounds like an STD. Urban Decay Snatch does not sound like a desirable anything yeah uh so it's just snatch

all these first things i'm saying are like this one is the brand is cheeky monkey and it's called the hot slut polish and it says hot slut and four different uh fonts on the on the container. Wait, do you, so it's for, it's like nail polish that Hot Sluts use, or is it for you to polish your Hot Sluts? It's Hot Sluts use this. Oh, I just picture like a trophy room where like this is all my Hot Sluts. Be like, oh, it's a Sunday.

I got to do some errands around the house. And you're sitting there with like a rag just like polishing your hot slut this one's called two-faced barely legal lip gloss oh really legal barely legal category like like i like the pornos when it's like the the girl's 17 when they start the filming but like the clock rolls over and they're like get her oh geez that's holy shit lives ruined where they're like happy birthday yeah exactly that's exactly what it is they fuck the chick on her 18th birthday like the moment she's legal uh yeah those are the best speaking of which i i did my research and watched the Ted Cruz porn. Did you guys see it by chance?

Yeah, that's good porn. I saw the GIF on Twitter. I couldn't find it. I asked the PKA subreddit for help, and of course they came through. It's the kind of thing they'd be good at. I wasn't even down for it, but

in the interest of science, I watched the whole thing. I can tell you the plot. I'm sure that's what everyone's interested in. There's a girl and her boyfriend, and the girl doesn't really get along with her stepmom. And the girl and the boyfriend start having sex. The mother comes back. She catches them in the act, and the girl is at first embarrassed or whatever, but the mom says, No, no, no.

We're going to bond over this. And then there's a three-way. Is there incest porn? That's not incest porn. By the way, it was a stepmom. I left that out. It's important. This is the thing. These old moms in porno

just look like regular porno to me. I'm like, really? Is she supposed to be the stepmom? They're not really in there too that's what i want i don't like see this thing they do on porn sites now because i don't think you can can can even claim to be fictional incest at this point so they say like brother and not in parentheses sister like blah blah blah do whatever they're gonna do i hate that you're ruining the illusion right like like what i if you find legit incest porn, you have to find twins!

I am tired of incest porn ruining all these things. You'll be like, oh, let me find a cool MILF category, and then you scroll and it's like MILF bangs son, daughter fucks dad, and it's like, who? What's wrong with this? Why are people so into incest? I don't get it. Why not just, like, fuck somebody else's mom. Be an adult. Not just that category It'll be like you I mean you can click you can click like doctor and it'll be like doctor fucks daughter You'll be like well why? The patient was there before fuck the patient. See that's what I think like I have to watch some of those cuz I'm like

Oh, well this thumbnail does look pretty good, and as I click it, it's like, they're not really related, so this is fine. Did you ever do that where you just change the narrative in your head? No. Like the same way that in Game of Thrones, like when you read the book and you say a name a certain way and then you hear Roy Detrice be like, and, you know, Asha

does this, and it's like, oh, that's not the way I say it. Fuck that. I'm not saying it that way. And you say it the other way. Like, that's not the way I say it. Fuck that. I'm not saying it that way. And you can say it the other way. Like, that's what I do with these porns, is you can't... By the way, what's up with you and not being able to pronounce names, idiot? Total off topic, and I want to go back to this topic, because I have more to say on it. But total off topic, why did Roy Detrice suddenly give Arya an Irish accent in book four? I don't know.

There's a lot of gaps But here's fingers towards them because in like book three or maybe it's book two because Catelyn Stark is still alive. Yeah, then she's Caitlyn Caitlyn and it's like you forgot how to pronounce her name like like like I It really throws me off. It does irk me that he because it's not like he says Catelyn once or twice really throws me off it does irk me that he because it's not like he says caitlin once or twice he said caitlin hundreds of times and then all of a sudden it's caitlin on the incest porn thing it's not just that it's prevalent it's not just that it's prevalent it's the most popular category of porn like if you go what i like to do to like find yeah i want the cream to rise to the top okay literally so what i what i do is click, like, most liked or best or most commented,

and then I'll even, like, to a subcategory of the month or of the year. And without fail, it's like mom fucking her son while the son's friend watches and records. And the mom's, like, talking to the son. She's like, yeah, he's a big boy now big boy now isn't he oh you're just like your father oh my god all right did you have this kid when you were 11 the plot line that makes no sense to me is this one it's when like the daughter is fucking her boyfriend and the mom thinks the daughter's sex skills are just not up to par so she teaches how to give a proper blow job or how to do anal or whatever it is that the

mom can do better than the daughter and it sets her straight it's just ah that's one of the ones that is because it's not related to you as the man there and so it's not incest on your behalf but like that's one i can picture if like you know you imagine yourself getting head or whatever and then the mom walks in just like oh stacy you're not sucking that cock like the way i suck cock and then she's like you're embarrassing me and you're like oh well mrs you know mrs mcgillicuddy may have a few good points all that happens in the ted cruz porn dude i left it out but the boyfriend was totally into the mom he was recording her like before he had sex with the daughter. And then the mom is like,

when the mom catches him having sex, she's like, oh no, we're going to have a threesome. And the girl goes, no, that's weird. And the boyfriend goes, you know, it's not that weird. That turned out to be ad-libbed, actually. That was not even part of the original. You know, it's going to go right down there with that full metal jacket scene.

Yeah. I have a theory.. I have a theory. So I have a theory. I have a theory as to why this genre is popular. Because the idea of being, suddenly having to live with, like, some gorgeous

woman who then wants to fuck you is, like, that's an exciting idea. So the whole, like, stepsister stepbrother thing. But, like, I would love it if instead of it being incest porn, could it just be roommate porn? Like, could we just have a genre

of, like, it's the same fucking story. It's the same story. That's what you're thinking of. I'm totally behind that idea. Yeah, babysitter porn is pretty prevalent. Like, you know, and I don't have to spell it out. You know, you got a babysitter porn is pretty prevalent. Like, you know, I don't have to spell it out. You know, you got a babysitter,

she's fucking smoking hot. This is a thing that happens. So there's tons of, like, guys who are 35, 45 years old, and they in fact have a hot-ass babysitter coming to their house every day, and they're just like, oh, like all built up over this, just in knots, because there's an 18-year-old hottie coming in and

bending over and stuff and then they get that release in the pornography it's they know also i mean and it it does it does have to do with like like if i was at if i went to the gym and saw like a really hot girl at the gym and then like the next time i'm watching porn i might be like let me look up gym porn. Let me pretend. The problem with babysitter porn is I feel like there's an undertone of child porn in it. They don't specifically define her as being 19. You're just like, oh yeah, I'm in high school.

Yeah. Yeah, they need little plausible deniability things, or it's like, yeah, I'm in high school. You know, victory lap. It was really awful at math. It's like yeah i'm in high school you know victory lap was really awful at math but i'm kind of stupid which is also why i'm falling for your advances why i'm legal so you'd like it in your porno if they if the guy carded the girl like like mid-coitus i like the way you're thinking oh no, no, but not mid-coitus. That's too risky. It should be in the forms they sign. Now, a kind of porn that's legit is there is mother-daughter porn where, like, there's an actual mom and daughter.

And they don't try to play it up like a fictional, like, scenario. They're like, ah, this is Stacy and this is Casey, her daughter. And they're going to be performing for us today with Big John McCarthy. And, like, you know, the guy comes in and bucks them both. The UFC ref. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I'd watch him in a porno. Double laugh.

Yeah, I'd be curious. Yeah, I'd like Big John to be in a porno. You know, he's got the name recognition. He's a big guy, probably hung. Right? And he's physical. I've seen him throw light heavywe weights like they're nothing. He could get one of those chicks and do that crazy move where you're

standing and she's got her legs wrapped around you and then he starts using her like a flesh light. Kyle, why do you think that that's crazy? That's not regular? Well, you need some serious upper body strength to be able to lift a whole truck. I do it one-handed. Kyle, you and I were raised very differently.

Steve is a gentleman. I'm a strong guy. How much do you weigh? I have built a pulley system. I mean, it's no secret. I have a sex win. I want to wait real quick. How disappointing would that be if Steve was talking it up like,

oh, yeah, I'm going to pick you up and we're going to do this and that. And then she comes to your house and she sees a series of levers and pull this tack and block system. Hold on. With five pounds of pulling pressure, I'm able to lift the whole. How much do you weigh? She's a

big mama. He's like, I'm going to need four wraps for you, baby. I cut your weight by 10%. I have four wraps for you, baby. I cut your weight by 10. I have to send her on the tree outside because I've never had such a girthy... I have an engineer behind me working the control.

Puppeteer? I'd be okay with all of that. The sex swing is pretty awesome because you can hoist the woman up to whatever level you want. It's a bit spring-loaded, so there's some bounce to it. You don't have to be putting all of the force into lifting her. There's a little bounce going on.

It's a real wonder of modern technology, although I'm sure it goes back. Can I share a thing that I found out last night? Yeah. Okay. So have you guys heard of the website Seeking Arrangements, like a sugar daddy website? Oh. Okay. the website seeking arrangements like a sugar daddy website okay so a friend of mine and i are writing a script based on the idea of like a sugar daddy like someone who comes into a lot

of money and who just does this so i open up the app i sign up for it i'm like let me see how this fucking works it's the amount the sheer volume of women on that app i'm like i was walking around today just being like is everyone in los angeles on this app like is like i was just like looking at hot women being like they're probably all on this app like how it's insane how many people anyway the point is it's it's fucking crazy and like so i was on it and i didn't even write to anybody i just on it looking around and i'm getting all these messages because basically this is the equivalent of like when i have a comedy show and i get all these messages from comics be like hey can you hire me to be on your comedy show like this is this is what they do for

a living so like all these women are just messaging like crazy and this one girl messages and it was like hey i'll come over uh do you have 200 and i'm like that's not sugar daddy that's that's just prostitute like that's just yeah that's a sting you're just yeah you're just a hooker no no that's the sting wants you to go to their place. If she's coming to your place, and she worded it in a way. That's true. Police are not allowed to arrest you in your own home for prostitution. That's a very good point. I forgot about loophole.

I worry about those loopholes. You always learn they're untrue. Cops can't lie to you. Turns out they can. It's a show the penis thing, isn't it? Here's another loophole. You can offer to pay her for nude photographs of herself, and if she's up for that,

no cop's going to take a picture of her snatch and show it to you. That's not going to happen. Officer Beaver McGurdy over there. So the first thing you ask for when you're hiring yourself a prostitute to come to your home, allegedly, you offer to buy some nude photographs. So can we assume this is something you've taken advantage of the nude photo

trick, or this is just something you're aware of? I'm aware of. I've only bought that one prostitute, that story I told you about her bleeding off the bed and everything. Kyle, I would like to subscribe to your newsletter. It's a bit anti-Semitic. I'm not sure.

Oh, Jesus. That's prettyic. I'm not sure. Oh, Jesus. That's pretty funny. This probably is. Just ignore that part and we'll be okay. You know, the cover art. It's great tips. Unfortunately, they're all in the shape of a swastika. They are.

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Yep. You guys know out there, we're all improving ourselves, losing weight, getting fit, being sexy. Healing bones. You've got to have good breath. Yes, healing bones. But you need to have good breath. Good breath when you're healing bones is just as important as good breath yes healing bones but you need to have good good breath when you're healing bones is just as important as good you want your physical therapist to like you

i legit smart mouth before pt because i'm gonna be talking to this guy for an hour straight like it's just a matter of good manners and hygiene it's a matter of courtesy like and like if you're setting yourself up for success you gotta to have great breath and this is great stuff i use it every day i never have bad breath i've said if you see me in public don't actually do this ask first but put your nose close to my mouth and you'll be like oh my god he wasn't lying that's why you treated me so awkwardly yeah but uh check that i have a i have a date tomorrow night and you had better believe i will be smart-mouthing right before that, because that's all it's going to take.

I'm going to show up. I'm going to say, you're buying dinner tonight, you idiot. And she's going to go, ah, that breath is just so good. Like, I got to know his secret, but I'm not going to give it to her right away. You know, I'm going to string that secret out. So, yeah, check it out, smartmouth.com. You won't regret it. And if you take things in that make your mouth dry

like cigarettes or cigars or maybe you're a coloradan and you smoke weed they have a dry mouth formula as well and i've heard from those who do illegal things that that it does dry your mouth how many states allow weed at this point oh like eight of them, right? Wait, hold on. Washington, Oregon, California, Colorado, Massachusetts. What other states allow weed? Do you know, Steve? I wonder what it is by population. I'm looking it up because I certainly don't know offhand. Oh, good.

Site will load in 20 seconds. Are you serious? How great for the show. No, I have this notion that a lot of the states that approve weed are like midsize and higher, right? California is obviously the most populated state. But I wonder if over half the population can smoke weed at this point. So 29 are medicinal or more. But sometimes medicinal actually means – like California – before California legalized it, their medicinal basically meant legal weed, you know.

Oh, I used to do a joke about it, about how like what medicinal means is in order to get pot, you need to want some. Yeah, right. That's your condition. Yeah. Okay, here it is. So where it's legalized for recreation, you got Washington, Oregon, Nevada, California, Alaska, Colorado, Massachusetts, and Maine. And for medical marijuana broadly legalized, which is basically meaning that they can go in and be like, I have trouble sleeping. And then they're like, okay, here's weed is Montana,

North Dakota, Minnesota, Arizona, New Mexico, Arkansas, Louisiana, Florida, Illinois, Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Maryland, New York, Vermont, New Hampshire, Connecticut, and Delaware. It is actually, if you just look at it as the map, it is very similar to the 2012 electoral map. Well, he did mention Alaska. Very, very similar. Alaska, you can do it for fun. Well, he did mention Alaska. Very, very similar. Alaska, you can do it for fun.

Yeah. I was just wondering because I feel like anyone who's against legal pot at this point is just on the wrong page. Oh, you're 100% right. By the way, so California was the first in 96 to have it, I guess, on the ballot. Alaska was 98 i like alaska alaska alaska is a great state because i feel like the kind of person who moves to alaska and because because what was it there before first nation people i know they don't like to be called eskimos or whatever the fuck but the eskimos or whatever they were living there like you don't get yeah the in. We don't let them vote anyway, right?

No, they get to vote. I mean, the polling places are probably super far away. I'm getting on. That's what the Iditarod is. They're all just voting. Oh, man. Alaska's like three times the size of Texas. That's crazy.

They don't get nearly enough credit on that map. I was also wrong about the population. Alaska, North Dakota, I think they were both on it. They're not populous states. I thought it was mostly heavy hitters, but anyway. A lot of them are. I'm so... We have so many uber religious

dyed-in-the-wool politicians here in Missouri. It's like they're just shooting themselves in the foot for no reason not legalizing it here we border more states than any other state in the country and none of them aside from illinois have it legal none of them have it legal for recreation so if we legalize it recreationally we'd be pulling in as much money as colorado like how can you not see that and be like let's do it we'll get people from fucking Iowa, from Kansas, from Louisiana, from everywhere. In terms of population.

So everything like Ohio, West Virginia, Maryland and north of those, like northeast of those, every single one of them is legalized. And then you also have Florida and California. and then you also have Florida and California, and then a couple other states that have decent big cities like Illinois with Chicago. So you add all that up, it is a vast majority of the country. I think population-wise, the only state with a huge population that it's illegal in is Texas, I think. I still kind of draw a line between the medical and the full recreational. I see the full recreation as the win.

And so I kind of, that's what I want everybody to get to. And still, that's the minority. But really, it's been such a landslide in recent years. It seems like it's going to come up on us pretty quick. A couple more election cycles. I think that within four to eight years it'll be

federally legal like it'll be just across the board and what was weird because for a while you didn't know what was going first gay marriage or pop like they were kind of going at about the same pace it was like a state here a state there and then all of a sudden it was like well you know a lot of the super conservative states like utah did that whole you know we're completely banning gay marriage and then they ruled that unconstitutional and it was the backlash to it that actually led to the legalization of it and so maybe that can happen with pot where like some states will you know put some sort of anti you know some sort of law that's not federally enforceable, and then boom.

It could be. There's just so much money to be made. It just seems silly. Obviously, they're making some prison industrial complex money, but that's kind of just spending money in a different area, where we could be making money that's currently being spent on the black market. People are going to be paying taxes. Charge it like like cigarettes put a sin tax on it like make money yeah have you been have you been in like the rural part of northern california where like the entire economy is pot no i haven't it's a little crazy because what ends up happening like i'm from born and

raised in new york city live in los angeles have toured all over the place, in a lot of cities where there's a lot of homeless people. And it's not something I'm not used to seeing in that town. Because what happens is these idiot potheads move to that town, being like, I'm going to work in pot, and it's going to be amazing. It's going to be so great. And then they just move there. And there aren't really a lot of jobs you know and the jobs that are there are like picking the stuff so yeah so then they just are

homeless there and like you walk there i stopped there to get gas i stopped there to get gas and i was like oh i'm gonna walk my dog while i'm here and then i was like get back in the car get back in the car it was just like it was like being get back in the car. Get back in the car. It was just like being an extra on Walking Dead. It was just all these zombie stoner people. Yeah, and they're just all begging and all

wandering. It's not good, but I don't think it's because I think it's because pot is still illegal in so many other places that it's still, you know, it creates this, I guess, badness. I ran out of words. I think people, like, they look at it the same way that, like, maybe someone looked at, oh, I want to go into the video game industry. You know, I'll be a tester, a video game tester.

Like, they didn't think about the fact that you're going to be playing, you know, Pink Puppy Princess, the same level for 12 hours trying to find glitches by running into walls and stuff. They think, like, you're going to be testing, is the M16 powerful enough? Lieutenant Gamer XX69? Oh, it is. I think it's really strong, you know, a little OP for me, but, you know, I'm really good. It's like that same thing with weed. These people were thinking, I'm going to test strains. There's going to be one called Matt Thompson OG or og or like some stupid nonsense but really yeah i i i was thinking

speaking of video games i was thinking about this yesterday the idea that like there there was a profession that is now gone do you remember when you got stuck in like Nintendo game, you had that option for like $4 a minute to call the Nintendo tip line. No, I didn't know. Yeah, there was like... Are they going to get you off? Like, yeah, hey there, having a little trouble getting through the level. Yeah, I am.

Yeah, princess. Show me the princess. It was basically, it was this, I think it was Nintendo sponsored, and it was this, like, you call an expert, an expert and they're like yeah gem is around the corner go go get the the gems in that in that tunnel and so oh that sounded sexual but anyway it was yeah it was just some dude some dude you know who worked at some video game line but the idea is like now when you can't get somewhere in a video game, you just look it up, and there's a thousand different 12-year-olds who have a YouTube video where they spend the first 10 minutes thanking you for subscribing. Oh my god, dude. I'd rather deal with the $4 a minute sometimes than when I'm trying to figure something out.

a minute sometimes than when I'm trying to figure something out and it's like hey this is the game king coming at you gonna take five minutes real quick and apologize for the lack of videos recently the gameplay you're seeing right now that's actually for something else I was playing with the future it's like oh my god oh my god you skip to the end and it's like and that's about it guys like you know hopefully that helped you and you have to try and like seek through it to where he actually gives the tip uh i promise i'll upload more consistently thank you chis that's like a exact carbon copy what they'd say yeah four dollars a minute they'd make some if i tried that i so this link by the way if you guys click on this link that chis put up that actually shows like the power line that was the

name of it yeah the in the 90s yeah in the 1980s the idea of working as a gameplay counselor for nintendo's power line service was a dream job for kids around the united states this guy's this guy's perm mullet combo i bet he's the one you really want right like like she doesn't know where jem is by the way the name of my next dog that guy he's the one that knows where jim is buried yeah by the way this i just had uh on that link what the fuck is that on that link suddenly it just went to like some shitty page like your computer is infected shit what did you just what did you what did you give me did it happen to you too kyle no i i closed it out but like like a moment ago i was i was on it for like a i was on it for like a

minute and uh i mean i have a i have a mac so i don't know if oh you're safe yeah no worries yeah um oh shit i don't know what the fuck that just was chiz if you virus my computer i'm gonna be so mad okay i linked a thing earlier that i'll relink it it's itink it it's literally one minute and 17 seconds long it's so satisfying basically this woman lets her dog shit on this guy's sidewalk and he's had enough of it so this is not the first time

that this has happened no and it's evident by the guys he lets the audience know this isn't the first time so when are we starting I'm ready anytime No, and it's evident by the guys. He lets the audience know this isn't the first time. So when are we starting? Just a second. I'm ready anytime. I'm not ready yet. The screen's changing.

The video, for anybody listening, is called Man Forces Woman to Pick Up Her Dog's Poop from His Yard. Okay, are you guys ready? Three, two, one, play. All right, calm down. Let me know if it's the same people. He's peering out the window and sure enough there's a blonde out there with a little dog on the phone yeah she's gonna go make worse kind of dog owner you can tell hey Dawn there's the shit on his sidewalk. Hey, listen. You were here last week and you let your dog shit on my payment.

The same you just did. You need to pick that up. Hold on, hold on. It's a chihuahua. I don't care if it's a chihuahua or a fucking Great Dane. It's hooding that is sketchy as fuck. I got kids in there. When I bring it and step in it and bring it to my house, the kids are rolling around.

You know what I mean? Okay. Okay, so you need to pick it the fuck up. I don it to my house, the kids are rolling around. Oh my god. You know what I mean? Okay. Okay, so you need to pick it the fuck up. I don't think so, I'm not picking it up. Listen, you're gonna pick it up or I'm gonna knock your junkie boyfriend the fuck out. You knock your junkie boyfriend, I love that, cause he's like, yeah, this is... Really? Pick it the fuck up.

Oh my god. She looks at the boyfriend like, you gonna let him talk to me that way? He's like, he said to pick it up. Oh, there's no... Do you guys have the fucking ad over it? Get the fuck up. Yeah, man spits a freestyle. Oh, she picks it up with her bare hands. Oh, this is so satisfying. Get the fuck out of here.

Get the fuck out of here. What are these people? Game over? Get the fuck out of here. The junkie boyfriend. No, he said it ain't over. It ain't over. She's like, this ain't over. He's like, yeah, it ain't the fuck. Get the fuck out of here. The boyfriend totally was The junkie boyfriend? No, he said it ain't over. It ain't over. She's like, this ain't over.

And he's like, yeah, it ain't. Fuck. Get the fuck out of here. The boyfriend totally was a junkie. He was just fucked up out of his mind, like looking bleary-eyed, like could barely even keep his eyes straight. And he's like, oh, he told you to pick it off. That guy was thinking for a second.

He's like, did I shit in public again? And eventually he's like, oh, thank God it was the dog. That was a clever tactic, right? Like, you pick that up or I knock out your junkie boyfriend. Because, like, I don't know. First of all, now it's two people trying to convince her to pick it up. Second, he doesn't have to deal with the whole hit a woman thing, even though she's clearly the asshole.

All the junkie boyfriend did is pick a wrong friend. Yeah. I mean, like, it ended as good as you can expect it to end. But, like, if he didn't have the punching bad junkie boyfriend there and he had to say, like, I'll punch you if you don't get this shit up, like, then it would have been on BuzzFeed as, like, toxic masculinity. It's not our job to pick up shit. You've ruined society or like whatever the fuck.

Work with me here. If the junkie boyfriend's not there, what do you do with this woman? Do you pick her up and put her? You throw the poop at her. You stand in the way. You don't let her by. Either you pick it up or I'm going to put it up. Pick it up.

And I'm not going to put it in a trash can. It's going on you. And I would pick that shit up and smear it. I'm feet away from my sink and some antibacterial soap she's somewhere on a sidewalk way away from her house she does not want that shit smeared across her back and that's what's coming yeah butterscotch is gonna be your new color bitch if you don't get back there and pick that up you guys do you guys know about do you guys know about the thing that happened to me in the airport with the dog shit no this was this was

the most this story went so crazy viral like i was getting google alerts in like languages not the languages i didn't know like languages that google couldn't translate like they were like we don't even recognize what this is so okay so uh i was walking through i was walking through an airport do you want me to do like the basic story or the whole thing with Flourish? Because now I tell this on stage. Do the thing with Flourish. Yeah, let's get the A-plus version. All right, here's the A-plus version.

So I'm in an airport. I'm in LAX. And I was in a good mood, which I'm not normally in an airport. Everything in an airport sucks. And then I'm walking through, but I'm excited because I'm going to Japan. And I had never been in Japan. And so I was very excited about it. then i'm walking through but i'm excited because i'm going to japan and i had never been in japan and so i was very excited about it so i walked through the airport and this woman i just see this woman letting her dog shit in the airport like the dog just taking a shit in the airport and the thing is the woman isn't noticing she's

actually got her back to the dog she's on facetime and so some guy sees this and is like miss your your dog like politely and the woman looks away from the phone looks at the guy looks back at the phone and goes some people are so rude which yeah we're all like oh this woman dies today you know but she started the woman starts to walk away like just leaves it there and so someone else sees this it was like miss you can't just leave that there you've got to clean that up and she says oh they have people for that which my reaction to that is if you've ever said that about cleaning up after yourself we should all fuck you up because they got doctors so i am now guarding the shit. Like that's my new job because I'm part of the story.

You know, like if once you see it happen, if you walk away, because if I walk away and someone walks into it, it's my fault. You know, like I saw it there and it's my fault. So if someone like because you don't walk through an airport being like, oh, there's no shit on the ground. You know, like you walk through an airport and you're just like, oh, Cinnabon. You know, like, that's all you do. So, maintenance comes over, they clean the shit up. And I was like, okay, it's finally over. I can go to my gate, I can be happy, and I can go to Japan.

But this woman was at my gate. So, yeah, she's also going to Tokyo. So, most people are avoiding her because she's doing now something even worse. If that wasn't bad enough, she was also listening to music without headphones on. Man, she dies today. Yeah, absolutely.

That's worse than the dog shit. I agree. We don't need you to be our airport DJ. They're playing smooth jazz. They got us covered. I picture her car parked across three spaces with just paint on the bumper from the tricycle she hit you know just like a total asshole and so most people are avoiding her but i sit down next to cruella and i decide to have a little bit of fun i say are you going to London on business? And she says, I'm going to Tokyo. So I say, I'm sorry,

but that flight's moved to gate 53C. This is the flight to London. So that's fun for a lot of reasons. The main one is I wanted to give her that panic. Like I knew it wouldn't last, you know, like, but you know that panic when you think you're wrong, that like self doubt. Yeah.

Like every time I've checked into a hotel and it takes them one extra second to find hofstetter i'm just like is this hotel even real you know like that yeah like that panic and i figured she would like get up and she would like check the monitor and the monitor would say tokyo you know or she would talk to the gate agent and the gate agent would say, yeah, this is the flight to Tokyo. Or she would look around the gate and see that everyone except for me was Japanese. There were all sorts of clues that it was still going to Japan.

But instead, she just left. She just got up and left. Didn't thank me, which I thought was rude, but just left. And then i got on the plane and then i don't know i don't know what the fuck happened because yeah well she she wasn't on my flight and i know that uh for two reasons one because like i would have seen her i was sitting toward the front of the plane i do

very well now i was sitting in front of the plane and uh and she didn't walk by but also we were delayed 20 minutes and so if you've flown enough like that's not the plane waiting for her because like it's not a fucking carpool like we're going to japan you know it's that's if you check a bag and then you miss your flight they have to take the time to take the bag off the plane. And that takes about 20 minutes. And so everyone is sitting on the plane, like, a little bit, you know, you get that annoyed, like, why are we in the tarmac for so long? And I'm, like, you have no idea what I just did for you. Like, you have no idea.

Like, I'm not the hero you deserve. I'm the hero you need. just did for you like you have no idea like i'm not the hero you deserve i'm the hero you need and so finally uh oh and i also i know two more things um i know that uh i know lax very well um i fly out of there about once a week uh there is no gate 53c oh yeah that was the middle center to the end of one of the terminals c terminal yeah 53a or b and then i'm sure she'll just look around and try to find c um and uh i also uh know that there's only one flight from la to tokyo per day oh shit oh that was the one that I was on. Oh, shit.

I don't know if they rebooked her onto another airline. It's possible. They could do that. They do that sometimes. But I hope it was United and they beat the fuck out of her. Right? I hope so. Dude, United would not play any shit with dog poop on the ground.

They'll send in a couple green berets. Beat the fuck out of it. Come in, assassinate the dog, slam the phone. You think this is fucking Delta, bitch? Yeah. I, when that happened, I was, so I got on the plane

and then I wrote up the story and I posted it on Facebook and it did well and someone was like, oh, you should put this on Reddit. So I put it on Reddit and then I went to sleep because it's a 14 hour flight and then I woke up and it was the number one thing on Reddit and it was

that show because it talked about Tokyo when I landed in Tokyo for that show we were at 30 people past capacity because just everybody wanted to know what the fuck happened. That's hilarious.

It's an insane thing. That's awesome. Then there were all these internet detectives who would do things. They would be like, you can't bring a dog on a long-haul flight. Then someone else would be like, actually, here's the link to Delta's website where it says you can.

They're like, shut up, that's here's the link to Delta's website where it says you can. And they're like, shut up. That's wrong. It's on Delta's website. Yeah, there are Reddit detectives who want to find out if you're legit or not. Where did you post it? Because it sounds perfect for petty revenge. I posted on ProRevenge, actually. Oh, there you go. Yeah, I posted on ProRevenge.

And then it was funny because then someone was like, you know, I didn't even believe you were on the flight. Where's the picture of your ticket? And so then I took a picture of my ticket with me putting the middle finger up over the ticket. And then that same guy was like, well, that doesn't prove anything. I was like, but that's what you asked me to do, you fucking dick. It's because they just, like, anytime you tell any story that is outside of line with usual experience, there's always someone on the internet to be like that's oh that happened i bet it's like that's so annoying at the end of the day

if it is a made-up story that we're reading we're all getting a laugh we're all having fun with these internet stories like you don't have to do the whole you know oh did you really throw a tantrum at the cinnabon and do this and that. It's like, maybe not. I'm the opposite. No, I love it when, like, OP's full of shit and they get busted for telling the stupid story. Like, Quit Your Bullshit comes in, they link it up with proof. But your bullshit's fantastic. But, yeah, but the person who just writes

the comment of, like, that r slash that happened, that's so dumb because it's like, it wouldn't be a good story if it were very easy to believe like if it were something where it was just like you know i went to the store today and uh i wanted to buy eggs and it turned out they were out of them not a good story yeah and then it's believable be like or that happened they always have eggs you dick but i do like it they still would do it yeah when

someone like whatever when when someone gets proven to be a liar and it's because the reddit detectives have accurately broken down the facts i get a big charge out of it there are different ones like yeah quit your bullshit some of them like i agree with you woody and like if someone's like hey i'm a neurosurgeon and you're totally off on this one the real story behind this research is blah blah they just make shit up and then someone's like hey i'm an actual neurosurgeon here's a picture of me at work next to my neurosurgeon equipment you don't know what the fuck you're talking about like that is the kind of quit your bullshit that i like here's one

i don't mind the silly story i got into this because I have lots of spare time right now. And I'm watching people who live out of vans on YouTube. There's a whole genre of people who just converted, like, I don't know, old fucking vans, VW campers, whatever, into places with kitchens and stoves and bathrooms. And they live out of their vans. But the thing is, some of these people don't live out of their vans. They just pretend to live out of a van. but the thing is some of these people don't live out of their vans they just pretend to live out of a van and and they loser it's great living in a van down by my house yes no like like like oftentimes the pretenders are really beautiful women right so they'll be like beautiful women surprisingly like well kept up, living in a van.

And it's like this is my lifestyle of high adventure and travel. And they're like, fuck you. I live at like 149 Rose Street and you live with your mom. And I see you there all the time. That's my favorite quit your bullshit genre. My favorite quit your bullshit moment was there was someone who posted a picture of themselves four weeks pregnant and it was clearly just a basketball and a shirt like it was ridiculous and so all of these people were writing things and they were kind it was like on her facebook

so it was people who knew her and they were writing things like you know hey um a baby wouldn't show like that at four weeks. You wouldn't even start showing until months in. You're not pregnant. And then the girl replied because they often double down, which is amazing. And the girl replies and she goes, you don't know what my baby's like? That's incredible. The best one I've seen. This is from star trek recently there was a girl who posted uh this is my sister she died in nine

on 9-11 oh i saw that one that was so never forget and the image is katie perry when she's like 18 years old or something and somebody's like um that's katie perry and they're like no that's my sister wasn't she beautiful and it's no no no stop doubling down here's the google image results for young katie perry but that's a meta joke clearly that guy knows he wasn't trying to get attention of oh this guy's poor sister he was doing that in my head at least to put a feel-good story on there and make a bunch of people look like idiots for mindlessly being like, Hey man, that's so sad and it really makes you think. And then later it's like, ha ha, you all just voted for Katy Perry.

You're giving that person too much credit. Because that person would have, at some point, when they were called out like, that's a picture of Katy Perry, he would have been like, yeah, I know. I was fucking with you guys. Not be like, shut up, my sister's beautiful. They always said she looked kind of like Katy Perry, he would have been like, yeah, I know. I was fucking with you guys. Not be like, shut up, my sister's beautiful. They always said she looked kind of like Katy Perry. Maybe I give them way too much credit. This one I just posted

is one of my favorite quit your bullshit because it was a 4chan one that's just, it becomes mean. And it's this guy who's in, who's ripped and in good shape and standing there by a doorway and he says he's 5'8 and it's this guy who's ripped and in good shape and standing there by a doorway. And he says he's 5'8". And it's just obviously sports fan commenters being like, there's no way in hell you're 5'8".

Your belly button is clearly lower than the doorknob. Doorknobs are a standard height. My belly button is eight inches above the center of my doorknob. And they do a whole kind of geometric analysis. If you scroll down. Holy shit. And then they do. Look at that. If you scroll down. Holy shit. Look at that. This guy's comment.

I mapped out the 3D space of this image using a linear perspective overlay. Blue equals your position on the X axis. Purple is the door position on the X axis. Green is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Red is just perspective lines. You can see how every line in the room matches up to help you visualize the 3D space. Your value button is at least two inches lower than the doorknob. Again, doorknobs are standard height.

Using my 6'1 frame as reference, you are roughly 10 inches smaller than me, putting you at about 5'3". Before I'm autistic, I'm just bored. Yeah, like fucking Archimedes replies. Hey, bro, you can't even look through the peephole, first of all. Oh, that's a good point. That's true.

This is incredible. But wait, doesn't this only work if you know the height of the camera? Oh, I guess you do, because it's a selfie. Never mind, my mistake. Yeah. Because I was...

Yeah. But, I mean, I don't know why. Like, I can tell just from looking at that. I'm not smart enough with geometry to go through the math and figure out his actual height. But if someone sent me a pic like that and is like, I'm 5'8", you're like, ah, let me go stand by a doorknob real quick. And be like, ah, no, you are not.

I could definitely have you stand whatever he is, about a foot and a half in front of the door, hold the camera high enough, and then make it look like you can't see through the peephole. Maybe. But for any of us, you'd have to do a real goofy angle to do that. You'd have to really aim it at it. Yeah. It can be very satisfying. It is. It's definitely

great when people do that, but the thing that I don't like, and I think that this is where I agree with Taylor on this, is I don't like when people just go, no. Those are people who live uninteresting lives. Those are people who have never done some cool shit before and gotten into some nonsense. A lot of people called bullshit on it because they were saying, oh, it's too well written.

And I'm like, well, first of all, thank you. Second of all, I'm a, well, first of all, thank you. Second of all, I'm a professional writer, you dickbag. The idea is, it's not like, oh, all these amazing details happened, and it's like, no, I picked out the important details

because that's what a fucking writer does. And so, the people who... It had just happened. The smell of Cnabon and dog shit was in the air i peered in my left and left cinnabon and dog shit was actually the name of my high school band but the uh yeah just just the idea of i i hate the the concept of like there's no way that can be true it's like well why not because it isn't it's like do you have any expertise that's why i do love

you know what what he was saying about when it turns out hey i happen to be a neurosurgeon and you know and then you get the expert in the field who can totally wreck the part that's that's great and the real experts that correct them are always like the fake experts on reddit at least always have like paragraphs and paragraphs of explanations and then the debunking ones are always much shorter and it's because it's like oh it's because that guy's a real doctor and he's got shit to do he doesn't have time to be like oh let me go through all your little mistakes here he's like yeah i got a patient who's got a you know brain hemorrhage right now so i don't have enough time to respond to your bullshit i gotta get my hands washed and get in the game.

You know where I have fun with that? When people hate teachers. I see it on the internet a lot. Like, oh, they're overpaid. They're complaining about nothing. Oh, my God, working with kids is the easiest job in the world, etc. And it's like, you know what? There's no teachers posting on here right now.

Have you noticed teachers don't spend their day on Reddit or internet forums or whatever? It's because they have to actually... Just their whole fucking summer. Their summer, yeah. Okay, granted. But not their day. Not their day. Unlike a computer programmer, they don't just take micro-breaks all day long.

Oh, yeah. But the big difference is the person, like the fake expert, is usually a dick like they're usually very condescending very smarmy and then the real expert is not there's anything wrong with being condescending or smarmy it's kind of a thing but the uh the real expert is always like actually here's what happened you know and it's just very calmly and confidently explaining the situation

yeah whereas the fake expert is like i have to i don't remember what comedian it is but he was talking about how like if you go to like a real doctor and they say like hey you really need to lose some weight and uh you know you really get this under control because you're gonna get diabetes you know and you go no i don't i'm healthy at this weight it's fine like a real doctor is going to go huh all right okay i i did what i have to do i told you what i went to school for and gave you my tips i'm not going to like sit here and be like well you really need to understand the severity like no the doctor's like okay yeah yeah but that's never what it is in in the in the fake internet world which it's so annoying i don't

ever go through people's... I have before when I've been suspicious, but you know how people will go through posting history, and someone will be like, hey, I'm a garbage man, and let me tell you what, the stink never gets something that you're used to, and then you go back through it, or someone

will post and be like, really? Because last week, you were a 17-year-old girl who was pregnant and couldn't get an abortion because of this and that. And the week before, you were an architect, you know, who worked in imports and exports. Sorry, wrong account. Art family here. This is my daughter's.

I had a situation. I had a quit your bullshit happen to me where a friend of mine is a singer. And so I follow her instagram and so do a lot of other people because she's a professional singer and like there was a photo she put and i wrote a comment on it as we do sometimes and so there was this fake account for her like follows me because i guess she follows everyone who comments on it and follows me and is like you know hey this is my real private instagram and you know blah blah blah and so i write back and i go actually i spoke to you this morning and i already know what your private Instagram is. So, like, whoever this is, you should really stop this because this is a fake profile.

So then she's like, oh, no, it's really me. So I go, okay, then tell me how we met. And she goes, oh, dear, which also dear is a very, like, someone trying to speak English who doesn't speak English. Like, you know, my dearest, she, she goes, Oh dear, I'm a celebrity. I don't remember everyone I meet without realizing that like, this girl is basically like a sister to me. Like we're very close. And so, uh, she goes, if we're, she goes, if we're such good friends, uh, how come you don't have a picture of us?

And so then I just send her a picture of us. And I just like, delete this now. And she didn't reply. So then I posted on Quit Your Bullshit, and it went up to the top. So then I posted her a link to that, and I said, delete this now. And then she deleted all the pictures.

That is a really good one. Yeah, and that's funny that you recognize the, oh, dear. Like, golly gee. I didn't at first. That was something that on the Quit Your Bullshit people were pointing out, where they were like, this person lives in India. She's one step away from saying there was a problem with your Windows account.

Would you please do the necessary and post a picture of us yeah do the needful the needful thank you yeah that's what it is do the needful and post a picture of us oh i had such a i had such an uh an accidental shitty moment with uh like first world problems i ordered a i ordered a new uh shotgun mic uh from amazon it was $350, like real top of the line, nice mic. And they send me, by the same brand, they send me an iPhone mic that's like $50. And I was like, well, this is not what I ordered. So like I do the whole, you know, call up, return thing. They're supposed to come pick it up.

It's like two weeks later, UPS does not come. So then I take it to a UPS store and they're like we can't ship it back it has to be picked up I'm like you're goddamn right it has to be picked up so then they're like well you have to change that with Amazon and you have to arrange that it's a drop-off now instead of a pickup so I'm like fucking great great and meanwhile I'm not getting refunded for this I don't have my mic I want want it. So I call up Amazon and, you know, I get through to the, you know, the call center in Denver or and I'm talking to her. And like I tell her this whole thing and she's like, well, has to go through the process. I have to go back home. I have to print out the thing. She can't even just send the store something with a phone.

I have to go back home, go to the U.P. It's a whole fucking annoying thing. They've given you an errand and a day's wasted exactly in an errand that i shouldn't have done in the first place it was their fuck up and so then i go all right can you at least give me a credit toward the mic that i'm gonna like i'm gonna rebuy and she goes yes we'll give you a five dollar credit. Back in first class again. Boil me. One and a half percent. So then I said I was like, I'd like a $25 credit. Figuring that's not too much to ask for but at least enough that it doesn't make

me feel like a dumbass. So she goes I'm sorry but all I can give you is the $5 one. So then I say which is really bad I I say, well, what's your time worth? And she goes, what? And I said, well, this is taking a couple hours out of my day now. Do you make more than $5 an hour? And she goes, no, I don't.

And I was like, like it stopped me dead in my tracks. And I was like, wait, what? And she was like, she's like i don't i was like okay i don't know if you heard me correctly you make less than five dollars an hour and she goes yes i do and i go you're not in denver are you and she goes no i'm not i was like i'm very sorry i'm'm sorry. And then I asked for tech. Keep the credit. She was listening. I was like, look, this is not my

I wouldn't have said it if I knew that you were in Bangalore. I had no idea. I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. She was covering up the mic, talking to her friends. Who does this big spender think he is? You know? Meanwhile, I'm complaining because I bought a 350

fucking microphone like yeah right she's yeah and she's like that is my rent for a year you know and i'm just i'm just like shitting on her i felt so bad but it's nice to be able to shit on people i sometimes i wish it like shitting on people you're gonna have to draw that out here's the story this is a long time ago emotionally what i wasn't there but my wife who was seven months pregnant at the time with my with my daughter went to visit like her her high school's best friend and they went back to her house and stuff and her mom's a bitch like there's always a bitch she was nasty to her whatever and uh she sees my wife and goes oh that's a shame turn around right and she has my wife seven months pregnant turn around and she's like it's you were always like so thin you were like the thin one and uh oh right

she's pregnant i know She's just like. She's like, did something happen that maybe you gained all this weight? And I was like, I can't believe it. And let me real quick specify this because I picture Jackie as pregnant. Because you know the difference between you see a woman who's very fat and you're like, she's probably pregnant because she's got big arms that are fat and everything. I bet Jackie, when she was pregnant, had a normal sized female body and then just a big belly like healthy women look when they're pregnant Right, like she was a healthy looking pregnant person She had put on some body fat, but whatever seven and a half months pregnant. That's gonna happen and

And she lost it all afterwards didn't take long, but I wish I was there I was like honey if I was there I'd asked her to turn around I just said what a shame it was that she turned out the way she turned out and I'd have asked her to turn around. I'd have said, what a shame it was that she turned out the way she turned out. And I don't know if that would have worked out or not. Like, at least I have a person growing inside me who ate too many burritos. Fucking whore.

Like, to this day, I'm still like, it's a level of rudeness that you don't encounter. What's her name? I don't know her mom's name. I just know her friend's name. It won't take long to find out. It's an interconnected world we live in. It's a good point. Oh, look at Kyle's eyes light up. We are gunny-sacking to a pretty big stream here.

That was like 18 years ago. Yeah, I'm the moderator of Our Petty Revenge. I enjoy this shit. Are you really? No. I love that stuff. My favorite that I've done to somebody was, uh, I was at a, I was out of the club many, many years ago. And, uh, before I realized that those are stupid. And, uh, I,

I was there with a buddy of mine and, uh, he like walks by this really hot girl and he just was like, she, he just smiles and goes, how you doing? And she just goes like, no. And walks away. And I was like, yeah, exactly. I was like, look, there are ways to just, first of all, in that she could have just kept walking. Like that's the easiest way to say no, to just move on. But the idea of like, I have to assert my dominance and show you that i am so much better than you so she didn't i mean it's not like i was with him when that happened like he just tells me the story he comes back over he tells me the story and so she doesn't know i'm with him so i walk over to her and i walk over and just do a double take and i go oh my god, what a blessing. When is it due?

And she probably wasn't receptive to it. Oh, she just, I mean, she stopped and she didn't know what I was doing. Like, she didn't, like, it was one of those things of like, because she clearly doesn't look pregnant. Yeah, yeah. But there's that moment of like, wait, do I, what the, like, she's, she probably spent a lot more time trying to figure it out

than just on the way home, that whole night probably laying in bed being like, she's, she probably spent a lot more time trying to figure it out than just on the way home, that whole night, probably laying in bed, being like, what did, what did he mean, why did he think I was prepped? What was I doing? You know, and just giving that, giving that doubt of telling, she's just, she's an anorexic now. Yeah, probably, but she fucking deserves to be.

Yeah, she probably looks much better. Yeah. Look how hot she is now. All gaunt and athletic looking. Holy shit. Not athletic. I think on the show, we've gone to those pro-anorexia sites before and looked at them.

Does that sound familiar? There are pro-anorexia sites where girls will talk to each other and be like, hey, I'm getting really hungry. What should I be eating? And they're like, oh, if you just eat pine cones, it goes right through you and it doesn't have any calories, but it fills you up. And they're giving each other multivitamin advice.

Kyle or Woody, you guys remember other aspects. Yeah. They give each other positive affirmations because it's hard to get that outside of other people who have the same mental illness as you. A lot of things. If you're white supremacist, you've got to go to a certain website to get positive affirmations. Like, oh man, I love what you did with the skinhead

and all that swastika behind your ear. You're killing it. In the same regard you know these chicks who are 85 pounds and have a target weight of 79 they gotta go to a particular website to get those i actually uh so i have i have an eating disorder um but it's not it has it's not anorexia or bulimia by the way what he's expressing just like wait what now um it was because it was because uh when i was in high school and i got bullied a lot i would go to the nurse's office to kind of like get the fuck out of class and i would convince myself i was sick and it got all this it

fucked me up to believe to like make me believe that like i was sick when i wasn't and so and by the way let me say this if you're it like for anyone who says they have an eating disorder and they're like yeah i put my finger down my throat i'm like you fucking amateur like if you actually have an eating disorder you could just throw up whenever you want but anyway uh so one night when it was the way i got over it was because i went to a message board and i hated the other people on the message board and so like yeah i went one night it was real bad basically what it means is like anything that would make a regular person nauseous it would make me throw up and so i would just have to get to

sleep and try to like get through it and so one night i couldn't get to sleep i'm on the road i'm like i'm stressed i have to wake up early and so i go to uh so i go to this message board i was like maybe there's help for me and there are all these fucking idiots just being like, just wanting attention. Just being like, oh my God, I have, what is it? Anorexia. Like they don't even know what the fuck they're talking about. They just want to be part of that. And they want attention.

Yeah. And I'm just like, I'm not these whores. Like I'm not one of these people. And like literally like that night, I was like, I'm doing these whores. I'm not one of these people. And literally that night, I was like, I'm doing much better now. Yeah, you shamed yourself out of your eating disorder. Every time it gets bad, every time I'm fighting it,

I just read a comment. I'm just like, I'm not these fucking morons. And yet you're still a liberal. Yeah. I would think, you know still a liberal. Uh, yeah. So? I would think, you know, trafficking among that sort, maybe you'd get a little disgusted with some of the stuff you read over there sometimes.

Wait, I don't think that these girls were liberal. No, of course not. All black people are liberal in Kyle's world. Right, it's a disease, right, Kyle? It's a... They're dumb. Is it hereditary, or are you born that way?

Environmental, right? Because the colleges do it. I think if it's hereditary, it's the same as if you're born that way, right? Yeah, can you pray the liberal away? Oh, God, I hope not. You hope not? You're not going to have Pence coming in? Oh, my God. You hope not. You're not going to have Pence coming in with a couple of free wipes.

I see all these people wanting to find a way to get Trump out of office, and it's like, do you know who Mike Pence is? There's a guy who actually has his shit together and has scary ideas. Right now, you kind of got a bumbling guy over there like, oh, yeah, he's still focused on the wall. They were talking about the wall today, and he's like, oh yeah, but it's a fence, but we're going to look at four different kinds of fences and find which one keeps them out the best, and that one has a meat grinder on the other side. I kind of

like it. This was more like a door, but we got the idea from Call of Duty Zombies. It's got a meat grinder, and it just goes straight to the purina plant uh no he's trying to tie it to the docker purina spicy dog apparently he can work with the democrats on daca but he wants to like get the wall into the the agreement and that's his you

know give a little take and and by the way kyle uh i i do not consider myself a liberal i'm progressive and there's a big difference because because liberal i think is you know the the height of that ideology like the extreme of that ideology is like anything goes and we are to love everyone like the height of liberalism would say like pedophilia, you're just born that way. And the height of it would say like, you know, well, we can't be mad at these Nazis because of free speech. Like I'm someone who's like, I just want things to be better in the future. I agree with both of those things, though. I'm a libertarian.

And I believe both of the things that you just said are most likely true. First of all, I think that hate speech is free speech up until the point where you're inciting others to do violent things, and then it's not so free in my book. And, well, no. You can say I hate these people. I don't even consider them people. And you can also say I hate these people so much what we want to do is mail pipe bombs to any senator who's not agreeing with us. And that's a totally different thing in my personal book. And also with the pedophiles,

who would want to... I think they are born that way, but that doesn't mean we should tolerate it. That's what I mean. Yeah, but it's not. Could we allow child sex dolls and watch animated child pornography?

As long as it does not... Oh, this is really interesting. Can we have child voice actors in the animated child pornography? Have you ever seen Japanese porn? They do a good job of it regardless. I don't know how old those ladies are, but Oh no, Masuki!

It's always a child porn. I've never seen Japanese kiddie porn, no. As long as their stage parents are stealing all the money they get paid for it, absolutely. I think that's real important. Do most people think that pedophiles weren't born that way? And that they're just, like, evil?

Because I think a lot of people think they're born that way. I think most people don't think about it. I think most people just go, touch kids bad. Yeah, as you should. As you should. And it's such a gut reaction of disgust and hate that just like like like you know anyone who says oh i'm a i'm a i could never hate anyone it's like what about pedophiles oh well fuck them it's like yeah we all have no don't fuck them don't fuck maybe do give them a taste of their own medicine how do

you like it give you a little friendly touch i i don't know. I just don't think anyone would electively be a pedophile. No one's making that conscious decision. It's not as if they can't get pussy, and so they're going to molestation. I love the show, by the way. The reason I enjoy PKA

is because we've really covered everything. We've already gotten to the pro-pedophile talk. We're only two hours in. We're already on this. No, I actually do think that there's... I believe that there are three... Because every generation is more progressive

than the one before it on something and so what's going to be next i i often wonder like okay what what's the next what's going to happen in 50 years where they're going to look back at us and be like these these fucking simpletons aside from the whole like punch yourself in order to be smarter thing um i the three things i believe are we're not going to drive um food's going to be completely different and we're going to understand mental illness in a way that we don't right now and understand crime in a way that we don't right now now i don't know how that's going to happen but those are the mental illness one especially we're going to figure a lot more about that attitudes arounditudes around it will change. There are

some people who say mental illness is an illness. You have to train it. You even have to work at your mental health in the same way that you work at your physical health. There are workouts you do to make yourself mentally healthy like get away from screens, get outside, get some sunlight in you, have social interactions, things that bring you towards mental health. But I swear a lot of employers if you told them hey i need to take a mental health day adios they'd be like you are such a bad worker you know you can't do that unless you're the postal office and then they're like yeah take as much time yeah right hey go do some target shooting and that what you like Yeah, go have fun.

Your crossbow club. Another thing with the mental health is they've already even figured out more and more in recent decades about how mental health is so tied to physical health. Where they'd be like, oh, you're feeling depressed. You just have to think your way out of it. And then it's like, no, you can take physical

measures like running and getting in shape and eating better and sleeping more and that in turn is going to impact your mental health so it's not just necessarily you have to think your way out of this it's like there's a lot of tangentially related health things that maybe aren't specifically mental that you can do to improve your situation but the confusing the thing that i think is going to confuse it is the people who who are pretending to have things wrong with them in order to feel included yeah like there there are people like i was talking about the fake eating disorders yeah yeah the fake the fake eating yeah it's called

loser no the fake uh munchausens i think yeah that it's you know that's the formal name uh the there's like i was talking about like the idea of the fake eating disorders, but it's the people who, like, okay, have you seen the communities of the people who believe that they are animals? Yes. We're not talking about furries. Not furries. That's like fucking a mascot.

I mean, like, the idea of, like... Like, I'm a foxkin. I identify as a fox. Or I'm a... That's where the attack helicopter meme came from. We're like, I have an attack helicopter meme, kin. I identify as having two 80mm cannons. We help fire missiles in an infrared targeting system.

And I believe that those are people who just haven't found the way to get positive attention. And so they're just, you know, and the same way that like the I'm pregnant, here's a basketball woman. Like, what's your end game? You know, are you going to like, are you going to write about your harrowing story about losing it at some point? Oh, I had a miscarriage.

And so I think that. I had a miscarriage in the time she looked like Katy Perry it's so sad and so I think that there are people who like there are so many genuinely depressed people out there and it's something that we need to we do need to change our viewpoint on and it is really frustrating when someone goes

well why don't you just be happy you should just be happy yeah you shouldn't you should just be happy but at the same time then there are all these other people who are like i'm depressed too right guys and like they they're not actually suffering from depression they are just sad and so it does like learned uh like learned helplessness with it too to people who are like mental illness is just like physical illness it's like having cancer or this or that and it's like well you can't necessarily like work out or eat healthy or sleep better and get rid of cancer but like hey you know you you can well yeah you could maybe I don't know but once you have it

I have it but if you do that with mental illness you really could pull yourself out of it to some extent but people they associate that, some people can't, a lot of people can. But it's like, it's almost, being depressed is almost like a position of power because it's like an unfalsifiable way to place yourself in a victim group, you know? And so I think that is why so much of that happens, where people who are genuinely fucking depressed are, you know, they probably get aggravated. Where they're like, oh, you're not depressed, like you just get sad sometimes. That's exactly what I was about to say. There's been plenty of times in my life where I've been really depressed.

I'm not doing so great right now. I'm not going to worry you motherfuckers with that shit. We're at a fucking comedy show here. You boo-boo bullshit pussy. Get out of here with that. Fucking keep it to yourself, rule one. Rule two.

That's where we need to get away from, Kyle. I disagree. Second wall workout. Do some push-ups. Go for a run. You'll feel better. Your brain's gonna flood itself with all kinds of endorphins and chemicals that make you feel better.

Eat some chocolate. Do some push-ups. Jog a mile and get some pussy. It'll fix just about every mental illness just you'll feel better you'll yeah i'm resubscribing to the newsletter this is like you try and like be like the most depressed person out there go out get laid do your best and after your you have sex try and frown try and be like oh that wasn't because it sucked like, no, you're going to be happier. You're going to feel better. I don't know. I've had

good sex or afterward I've been like, and I'm not even depressed. Look, the Virgin Islands are virtually destroyed right now. Set your tender to there. Offer a couple of those flat rate plane tickets to Missouri or Atlanta or wherever you may be.

You'll get all kinds of pussy. The Virgin Islands need a new name because they just got fucked. Fuck! One-liner stolen joke. Oh, never mind. I take it back. You stole it. Well, I admitted it. Does that help at all? Yeah, she really shumered that, Woody. I saw it on Reddit.

I don't know. I'm trying to think of other stuff that's going to be totally changed in 50 years. I disagree with your food one. I think that if anything we're going to come up with better ways to make even higher quality food.

It's not the direction we're trending though. I mean, we love beef and we love meat and all this stuff. And maybe eventually it'll become socially normal that you can grow meat in a lab or something. But I don't know. I can see a big kickback to that of a bunch of Alex Jones-type people. They're putting fluoride in your beef at this point, folks.

It's something you can't avoid. Did you hear Alex Jones say they were drugging Trump? I loved it. This is what he said. He said, it's well known that all presidents are drugged, but Donald Trump is such a bull of a man, it's taking longer to take effect, but they're putting drugs in

his Diet Coke, and it's by like 6pm or so. By 6pm, the drugs kick in, and that's why he starts babbling on the microphone around then. That's why at 5 in the morning before it kicks in, he does all this tweeting. He knows that Tom is on here.

So who's drugging Alex Jones now? He didn't specify his name. Alex Jones, self-medicate. I hear. I listen to Rogan a lot, and especially today, I can't remember his guest, but they were talking about how he hunts and eats all of his own meat. He had Tom Papa on

today. It was a very good show. Rogan does this? Yes. Rogan hunts and kills all of his own meat. He goes out, elk... Is that what happens when you get syndication money? It's cheaper because you can go out with a bow and kill an elk

and have hundreds and hundreds of pounds of meat. I went to the butcher the day before yesterday it was like 50 for one two three four like six or seven steaks like whereas you know but you can go out and kill an elk and have a hundred pounds of meat or more i don't know how much actual meat you get out of a giant elk but they're huge oh you can like if it's a big big elk you you got to get at least 80 pounds out of it. And that's a lot, a lot of, uh. It's gotta be more, it's gotta be hundreds of pounds, because an elk is like a thousand or something. Elks are massive. 250 pounds, not of meat, though.

Like, there's a lot of bone and organs and shit in there. Of meat. Like, it's a massive animal. Chiz says it, it's in writing right there. 250 pounds of meat. Oh. Alright, I trust Chiz. I love it.

If it's on Skype, it must be true. Hashtag ChizFact. Hashtag bullshit. writing right there 250 pounds of meat oh all right i trust you if it's on skype it must be true hashtag bullshit bar slash that happened with no investigation just to say it but yeah he's he's like yeah you know you don't get any more uh uh organic than that and he he makes a great point so there's the conservationist part of it, of course. If you're not whittling these numbers down, then they just explode. I love the fact that it's a good one to throw at anyone who's anti-hunting. There are more white-tailed deer in the country

now than there were when Columbus landed. They're overpopulated. Well, there are also a few more people. Is it because there's fewer predators? It's because we killed all the predators. The wolves, the big cats. We whittled the bears down. They don't have any predators anymore to eat the fawns when they're little and stuff.

So the population just exploded. And now that population is running in front of your Mercedes out on the highway. Nobody likes that. So kill them and eat them. They're killing people in car accidents. That happens all the time where you run into a deer and it comes in through your windshield and decapitates you. But the deer is just being a conservationist.

That deer drags back the human. And you know how much meat is on the average suburbanite driving a Mercedes? It's a chewy meal. It's a chewy meal. 180 pounds. I like to think there's a deer podcast right now

saying, fun fact, there's more humans in America right now than there are when Columbus got here. It's okay to jump in their cars. I just want there to be a deer podcast no matter what. I'm going to do that this year. I'm going to kill a deer and I'm going to do it with my bow too. I've said on that.

I've been shooting my bow a little bit in the backyard. I'm going to do that this year. I'm going to kill a deer, and I'm going to do it with my bow, too. I've said on that. I've been shooting my bow a little bit in the backyard. I'm sharpening up. I'm going to kill something with my fucking bow, and I'm going to eat that bitch. Well, I mean, I think that's pretty green because you're using it, and I'm sure, yeah, it's way better. I actually eat every part of the animal when I order a dish from my local Thai place. Like, I eat the whole thing. I don't let any go to waste. I'm very green.

It's all assholes and lips. Yeah, and I do clean my plate. Like, today at lunch, I get a bowl of soup before I had my lunch. And, like, the lunch comes, and I've got, like like maybe a third of the bowl of soup left and like the the server comes over and starts taking the bowl away i'm like what the fuck is this have you ever slapped their hand i swear to god i've done that yeah at my time place it's fun it's it's more funny than mean right because i'll be like like you know she brings soup and i'm like i guess you like the soup i didn't hit her i pretended to hit her and uh everybody liked it

including the waitress i just was mad at the idea of of like look i didn't order this soup to pass the time till my entree got here like i ordered the soup because I wanted to eat the whole fucking thing. I wasn't like, hey, can I get two-thirds of a bowl of soup? But if you could put a useless third at the bottom of the bowl, I'd really appreciate that. Just to make the others easier to get to with the spoon because it'll be higher up. I really believe that serving sizes are one of the things that makes us so fat. Because it's just my psyche that I clean the plate. If,

if, as long as it's not nasty, if there's something, if there's green beans on there, I'm not gonna eat that shit. I don't need anything green, but, but anything else on there,

I eat everything. I eat all the meat, all of it. No, I don't eat anything green. I like count salad, but I mean, she's all green M&Ms.

That's like, that's not a longterm strategy, kyle like you're gonna have to break into the green eventually but like exactly on your point they do i know i guarantee steve knows about this because he probably reads the players tribune and all that kind of stuff like where athletes will write passages about like and for the nhl ones because that's the only sport i really care about it's usually someone from like czechoslovakia or russia or something and one of the blues best players tarasenko wrote one and one of the passages there spoke to exactly what kyle said where he's like i go to restaurants here in america and they give you soup as pre-meal that is not the pre-meal

and so they bring me more and more and more and it's like yeah that's why we're fat that's why this guy's in the nhl and i'm trying to lose weight because he eats some soup and he goes that's a meal and we eat soup and go ah the promise of food to come and he also this is also a guy who like probably has twice the calorie diet that we do just to stay in shape and he's like it's still too much he's a little excessive i i gotta say like when i when i tore like when i was in europe it was hard to feel full because like the portions were so small that's psychologically you think or physically even i think physically i mean i've gotten used to i'm also a big guy i'm six foot four so like i do and i have a fast metabolism so i do eat a lot um i've had comics i've toured with who have like made fun

of the idea of like i get hungry more than anyone that they know like where i'm just i wake up in the morning i'm like hey you want to get breakfast and it's like i'm still half asleep like yeah but i've been awake for 10 minutes so i'm hungry so like and i realize i do have that but at the same time i think it is a there's there's that whole uh psychology i god i did a bit about this i think when i first started about the idea of like you don't get dessert till you finish your meal so like not only are we rewarding people for overeating but the reward is pie yeah like like how fucked up is that and but it is that we're trained we're trained that way so see that kyle left are we doing an ad it's like a whole uh yeah we were supposed to

we were supposed to do it 26 minutes ago well this one this one will count more yeah it'll be it's anticipatory people are looking forward to it now but But, yeah, I wish I had the problem of not being able to, because you're obviously not a heavy guy at all. Like, at the end of the day, like, you don't eat as much as, or maybe you're very active. That could also be possible. I'm not very active. Not very active?

Some people have higher metabolisms. This is the exercise I do right now what i'm like on this podcast you get some wrist movement with writing yeah i have you know what i do uh i i will say though i am right now heavier than i've ever been and i'm not fat at all but i'm like i i call it spudge like a stomach pudge the little like the little lowercase b of a torso. And like, and I have that in a way I've never had it before. And I think it's just I'm getting older. You know, I'm getting older. So the metabolism is going as quickly. I'm not as active as I was. And also, like, I've been working really fucking hard this year. And so like, I'll do Yeah, you know what, I pushed myself on

this tour, I deserve some ice cream. I'll just have some ice cream today and then the next day it's like i had a tough day today also so i'm gonna have some more ice cream and so it's one of these things where i'm like all right i gotta i gotta start working out at some point because it's at some point i'll be 50 or hopefully it beats the alternative um but at some point you know my metabolism will really slow and I'll I have been skinny for so long I wouldn't be able to deal with the identity of not you know what I mean

that would be a weird thing to me like I wouldn't even know how to handle that you slowly convince yourself that like alright so I'm not as skinny as I was, but I'm so close to that. And then you gain a little.

I think that's where I am right now. You gain five pounds more and you're like, well, I was close to close to that. So that's like being close to that. And you gain five more pounds and you're like, yeah, yeah, all right, all right. So you know what? Your body gains and loses like five pounds in a day.

I'm probably the same weight as last year roughly you know and then after a while it's all right all right let's settle down and lose 30 pounds yep that's the way it goes is it's always a slow roll of like usually like months of of just constant treats of like oh you know i live by myself but i eat like a family let me buy this costco goldfish container you know and hey cheez-its are on sale they're never on sale at costco they're always on sale at costco i'll take advantage of this you know like and then over what if they change it they're not on sale anymore i've always used that logic and i buy low sell. If they could charge 20... You know, if I was in Irma and I went into Walmart

and they were charging $30 a box for Cheez-Its, I still would have walked out of there with a cart full because I'd be like, these could be my last days. I'm eating what I want. I want my last days to be covered in orange powder. There's like two bottles of water and then

a cart full of Cheez-Its. You have your salt to cheese it ratio or water you're buying stuff to make you thirsty in a hurricane maybe ever use cheese it's in cooking now you can you can grind up the cheese it's and bread your chicken in it and bake the chicken I've done with regular cheese it's I'm not done with Doritos before. Come on, find interesting ways to enjoy them. That you can pass off as healthy. Have you really done that?

With Doritos, though. Not with Cheez-Its. I'm sure it'd work. Be cheesy chicken. Yeah. Like breadcrumbs, but Cheez-Its. Exactly. Cheese crumbs. Let me tell everyone a bit about squarespace this episode of painkiller ready is sponsored by our friends over at squarespace whether you need a domain website

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So get started with a free trial at squarespace.com slash pka, and you'll get 10% off your first purchase. That's squarespace.com slash pka. Begin the next move in your career with Squarespace. Check them out. Everybody leaves for the ads. I was going gonna go but i'd leave you here alone yeah go ahead really you want to do the cow show i don't think we've ever left kyle alone ah it's too late you have i went real dark it was rough now's the time to talk about depression. It's just you and I.

No, much darker than depression. Jesus Christ. Child murder and cannibalism and all kinds of awful things. I was watching this thing about the serial killer today who built his own hotel as a murder mansion. And he had all these secret rooms where he could like, Oh, I saw that story. The wall would spin and he'd come in and grab you. And he,

he had all these awful ways of killing people. He'd locked them in like a bank vault type situation and just watch them suffocate. There were, I think, I believe there were 28 corpses finally found when they like outed him and like searched the place. Is this real life? This happened? Absolutely real life.

Yes. A hundred percent. This is not a, I don't recall the exact date, him and like search the place is this real life this happened absolutely real life yes 100 this is not a i i don't recall the exact date but i'm gonna just guesstimate it was in the 30s or 40s somewhere in there that seems like the time when this was uh there was no ruby way of killing people no yahoo ratings you know you could get away with this had to be pre well actually i don't know in the same way that like if you make bad reserve parachutes, you don't get any bad reviews, maybe that's true with this hotel. Don't get any good ones.

No? It was before TV. That was the problem. Yeah, they called it the Murder Castle. His name was H.H. Holmes. It was a hotel of horrors, is what they call it here. That's what H.H. stood for? It says it has gas chambers, its own crematorium.

Oh, jeez. Wow, oh my god, here it says one of America's first serial killers, and it's rumored to have dispatched up to 200 victims in his specially built castle. Now, I read that there were 28 bodies found, so perhaps he cremated the remainder, or maybe he was just

cremating, you know, but this says he was hung, or hanged, in 1896, so a little bit earlier than I thought it was, in Chicago. I wonder if you can still visit this place. Yeah, that's nuts. I wouldn't want to. There's a diagram here of, like, how it all

worked, the hanging secret, he killed them in weird ways oh so they're doing their chis just said they're doing a movie oh shit about it yeah dicaprio's playing him what oh yeah what's that the devil in the white city fuck yeah man now that i hope he gets another oscar that sounds like some powerful shit i saw that Day-Lewis, who's like my favorite actor, his most recent thing, it's like Paris fashion in like the early 20th century. It's like who the fuck cares about Parisian fashion in the 1940s or whatever the hell. This, however, is something I can get on board with.

I hope it's dark and a little scary. Yeah. Yeah. I took, when I was in London, I did a London, they called it the Secret London Tour. And you basically learn just about, like, all the murder history of London. Like, all the crazy shit. It's great. It's easy to forget, like, how young our country is compared to the rest of the world, especially the rest of the world especially the rest of the world in general and you know like i always hear about oh this pub has been here since the 1400s or the 1300s even you know 600 700 year old

structures and it's been the same thing since since literally the middle ages and it's you know here it's like oh yeah it's a it's a hundred years old it's 80 years old i'm i'm here near atlanta everything got burned down in the civil war so everything is is younger than 130 years old. I'm here near Atlanta. Everything got burned down in the Civil War, so everything is younger than 130 years old or so. That's actually why that's, I think, the best argument against the existence of ghosts. The idea that if there were ghosts,

there would be pubs in London that would just have a thousand of them. This is the ghost of the little girl that was murdered here, and this is the ghost of the other little girl that was murdered here, and this is the ghost of the little girl that was murdered here And this is the ghost of the other little girl that was murdered here This is the ghost of the little girl that that one murdered here How would you live in like modern-day? Mongolia and China and shit and just all the victims of Genghis Khan until the Hun are just spooking everybody like there's just too many ghosts

For it to be real they if they were real and they messed with us, it wouldn't be a thing of like, oh my god, there are ghosts. I need to do some research and figure this out. You'd call your local ghost constabulary or whatever and they would come take care of your ghost. Wouldn't you love that job?

I watch Supernatural with Sam and Dean, the brothers who travel around dealing with ghosts and ghouls and goblins and demons and such that would be the best job ever as a kid i loved ghostbusters so much because i not because just because it was cool and i love murray and akroyd and all those guys i love the idea of that profession the idea of going and hunting ghosts and capturing them and enslaving them potentially in some sort of an underground lair or whatever. I remember in school I even had the ghost

trap. You stomped on it and it sent the thing flying out like the ghost trap. Teacher confiscated my fucking ghost trap. Bitch. You should have known better. That's what she said. Do you think that she said do you think that the do you think that the

the liberals would be like what about the why would you imprison the ghosts what about the ghost rights yeah they would absolutely be be be be yeah here's the thing ghosts are white so it's a conflict now that would be true true. They'd be like, you stopped being black the second you died. You're part of the problem. Why are you wearing those sheets? I'll tell you who else wore those sheets. Ghosts aren't real.

Our existence is so boring without things like that. It's fun to believe in in and the the otherworldly or the supernatural it's it's fun to believe that that's out there and i know it's it's stupid i don't what is your what's your most out there belief that i actually oh that's what you actually believe in um so so like there have been a lot of like government conspiracies that have just come out like the gulf of tonkin um a lot of this there's been there's documentation to prove

that our government gets together and does nefarious shit that has global consequences so i i don't feel like it's out of the realm to start believing in things like harp or start believing in things like uh maybe our government potentially met with some extraterrestrial once or twice maybe Maybe that happened. Maybe it's, I don't think it's out of the realm of possibility to believe that there is some sort of global cabal running everything and our presidents and prime

ministers are kind of secondary to that. So that's probably it. Like big overarching government conspiracies. I know people always say, well, oh, the government can't keep a secret. They can't keep oh, the government can't keep a secret. They can't keep this secret. They can't keep that secret. There's different factions, though, right?

And we always hear about the Skull and Bones and little organizations like that. I think when you are really in on a secret, if you're going to be one of the guys who's let in, they make you do some fucked up shit so you don't talk. You have to go in. In Skull and Bones, there's the whole masturbating and the coffin thing and all that

gross stuff they do. I bet if you're keeping a secret like Lizardmen, you gotta fuck a baby. Like, ah, here's your baby. God damn it, you couldn't even get me a girl baby? Nope. You gotta fuck a black male baby. That's the luck of the draw for you. That's all we could get.

We bought it from Planned Parenthood. Yeah, that's what makes it bad. By the way, when you say that HAARP is real, do you mean like the Home Affordable Refinancing Program? I do. I do. No, I mean the – I can't recall exactly what the acronym means, but it's like high atmospheric something or another. It's the idea that there's a real thing where the government has these gigantic, powerful radio apparatus. And the idea is, the real explanation is something about studying weather phenomenon or something like that. But a lot of conspiracy theorists believe that they can use it to trigger weather patterns across the world and use it as a weather weapon.

And they go back to things like... Like in the Smurfs. I'm not familiar with... Exactly like the Smurfs in Gargamel, yes. in the Smurfs. I'm not familiar with... Exactly like the Smurfs in Gargamel, yes. But the idea is it's some sort of weather weapon that could be used to

trigger a more powerful storm or a monsoon or perhaps divert them. High frequency active auroral research program. So, you know, stuff like that maybe. Not necessarily... Not necessarily heart for me. I don't believe in that one because it just doesn't seem like...

It seems like we would have diverted that fucking hurricane on the way. We'd have created a high-pressure system in front of Harvey and just made it get away from Texas, right? Like, if the people in power right now would certainly want to protect Texas, I guarantee it. Now, if there's one headed for San Francisco, hell, I'd soup it up. But it's headed for Texas. I feel like we'd have just created a high-pressure system.

Well, maybe it originally was headed for Mar-a-Lago. Oh. Because bear in mind, Irma didn't hit Mar-a-Lago, right? At first it was. It was going to, and it didn't. And then it hit the West. Oh, maybe you're right. And Trump hates Ted Cruz.

This is all the facts I need. I'm sold. I'm sold on this. The most afterthought I believe is that there are overarching government conspiracies where there are only maybe a couple dozen higher-ups who know about this shit, but they're doing something to keep these guys quiet. We're all in on this. We're all dirty.

They all dirty themselves so that I'm never going to reveal that you're in on it because i would expose myself so badly like the catholic church now taylor what about you ridiculous things i'm trying to think of something more specific like if it's a government conspiracy the one like the moon landing doesn't make any sense going for more like paranormal yeah oh paranormal oh okay paranormal i don't know i i don't really buy any of that really like conspiracy stuff like i believe he landed on the moon i believe all that but the one and this is based off very very specious uh youtube research but the whole kennedy assassination there had to be more to that. Like that one, like these fellows making the YouTube videos, they seemed like they knew their stuff. They didn't seem like super obsessive, obviously.

But I'm joking. They're obviously like hyper obsessive about it. And yeah, I could see that as far as conspiracy theory. But paranormal, no, there's just nothing that compelling with paranormal because it's like what i've never experienced anything paranormal i went to church all the time as a kid and every time like someone else that was a christian is like i can feel the lords you know here today i'd always be like did they speak in tongues at your church no they didn't oh they didn't do uh tongues at my church that's i think it's. Oh, man. They didn't do tongues at my church. I think it's

called Pentecostal. But they didn't do that tongues thing at my church. But I went to a friend's church once when I spent the night at his house, and I was maybe like nine or something. And they took me to church the next morning with them, and they went to one of those churches. And it was just like in the middle of the sermon. The middle of the sermon, the guy would be like, and that's why I'm talking about the Beatitudes today Matthew 5 and I was even at the age of 9 I'm like oh my god I've heard this one before and then people would just stand up at least one lady did right in the middle But other people did while they were singing but she up got in the aisle and then just started doing like home

I like how the she was who would had a potato. Oh, yeah oh my god like just nonsense to a child that's to it we're like what is everything okay like is that are we all right and then the preacher of course is like oh and sister she's feeling the lord right now preach it out preach it out you know and that's and that's what it was like that's what tongues is supposed to be it's supposed to be a language that only you got on why you said out and annoyingly in public because jesus never ever said when you pray go in private and do so between you and the lord those who pray in public are are are are hypocrites like the pharisees and the sadducees jesus didn't say that there wasn't a whole part of the fucking gospospels about that. So does that make sense? Yeah, I've experienced the tungsten a lot.

The church that I grew up in, that was a, I wouldn't say a commonplace thing, but maybe, oh, I thought he was going down. But maybe like two or three, every second or third Sunday, some old bald guy would fucking stand up and he'd be all sweaty and he'd be holding his hands in the air and he's feeling the lord and he'd just start spitting gibberish and i'm it would scare the fuck out of me as like a seven or eight year old i'd be like oh god that guy's possessed this is literal possession we're talking about because i've seen the exorcist at an at a young age i and i'm just like oh this is a lot like fucking possession are we sure it's not a demon talking to him right now? Like, how would we even know? How would we even know? I would love to interview those people right afterward and just be like, could you tell me, could you say that again? Like, could you?

Or just like have a tape have like show them a videotape of them doing it and just be like now over here when you were going over again was what was that the lord there yeah i as a kid like i had a very um i i feel like i was thinking of it like an intelligent person would i i was, you know, I asked, I was like, what's that? And my mom or whoever, my grandma, whoever's with me, she's like, they're speaking in tongues. That's the Lord talking through them. And I was like, well, why can't we understand it?

Oh, that's just a language that we can't understand. And I was like, well, why don't we record them and try to get, you know, like a linguist. I didn't say a linguist, but, you know. They figured out the slang on, motherfucker. Like, let's do this. I was like, maybe that's Latin, you know, like a linguist. I didn't say a linguist, but, you know. They figured out the slang on, motherfucker. Like, let's do this. I was like, maybe that's Latin, you know? Like, maybe, you know, because I'd seen The Exorcist,

and there was the part where, like, a little girl speaking in Latin, you know, a language she couldn't possibly know, and she's saying it backwards. And so I had that little background knowledge, and I was like, shouldn't we record Mr. Davies over there, the school janitor, and see what he's jibber-jabbering about? Like, maybe it's important.

Maybe he's warning us about something. But no, it's just him seeking attention and being ridiculous. You know what I'd want to do is go to church, a church like that, pretend to be religious, and learn just enough Elvish from Lord of the Rings that I can speak a few lines in it and see if that

plays. See if they really are like, wow, this is... Of course it will. Nobody's going to go, that's elvish! You know? That's the language of Mordor you speak. Don't bring that evil here. Are you speaking the black tongue?

Oh, no, no, no, no. That's why it got so dark and shady around here they uh one of the churches i went to as a kid they did this thing where like the entire sermon you'd be sitting there in darkness like with just normal light on and obviously it's sunday morning so there's lots of light and then at the end of the sermon like in the middle of one of their songs they'd like of course this church is so fucking nice because they got all the money that they need and they just like raise these giant shades on like the 50 foot ceilings and let all this sunlight in at the end and it's meant to be like this oh and the lord is with us

what a beautiful day and it's just like man this is like so calculated and borderline manipulative to do it like that like i remember when remember when I was maybe 11 sitting in a, this was a different church, but someone had broke in and they destroyed their projector. And this was an enormous, enormous church. So this projector was, you know, and this was late 90s. Like, they asked for $20,000 to pay for a new projector they're like it's a shame that that you know some ruffians came in and did this or whatever but you know we're passing around the

plate and rest assured we're gonna get this back as soon as we can it's like even at a young age i'm like is that really the priority like we couldn't you know just get a regular overhead projector for a while maybe help some poor people or something? No, no, no. You need a $30,000, $20,000, whatever, mass projector so that you can do the same two chords while singing the same three songs. Yeah, and the idea, like... Maybe what they needed was an MP3 player.

No, that doesn't exist. Well, for $20,000, maybe. That's what's making it happen. no that doesn't exist well for 20 grand maybe i feel like you'd have insurance in that situation well that's a good thought actually a church buying insurance is almost sacrilegious when you think about it you know what is a little fucked up so i think it was jim caviezel that played jesus christ and the passion of the christ maybe um when he's filming the sermon on the mound speech he's up there you know preaching to all those hundreds and hundreds of extras he got hit by fucking lightning like are you serious

yeah when you when you hear stuff like that it's it's like did god do that and then you're like well he lived oh well that was his freak lightning then because god would have hit him god wouldn't have missed. He'd be dead. Yeah, God's not sitting up there like, fuck, I can't do it in a row. There's rules against striking twice. Dude, North Korea just launched another missile over Japan, like three hours ago.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I mentioned that earlier, I thought. Yeah, over Japan, similar trajectory, it seemed like, to the previous one they'd done. Are we getting numb to this? Like, yeah, sometimes North Korea does that. The Japanese aren't getting numb to it. When it happens, they blare the sirens and everybody shelters in place and everything. It's got to be scary to be in Japan. I'll tell you what I did a couple weeks ago just to kind of check on it and see what the deal was

if this whole North Korea thing was affecting the VRBO prices in Japan. And so I specifically looked at that island that the missiles keep going. Vacation rentals by and I specifically looked at the island that the missiles have been going over and you could get like a three bedroom

really river view pimpedped-out place. It was like $125 a night. Dude, if you get some video of a missile passing over and put it on YouTube, you'll make money on that trip. You're right. Also, if you die, the life insurance alone will be worth a lot of money. Ah, man's thinking.

I don't know. Are we numb to this? Is Japan going to do something about it at some point? We'll move first. I don't think Japan will move unilaterally unless they get hit with something. They might do something then. But we're waiting on the Don to make his move. That's what's going on right now.

I try to be unbiased. Probably don't succeed very much but this is just tough situation like i don't if i'm president i don't know what the right call is people are good people bad people a lot of people are going to die if you make a move on north korea it's tricky my my opinion still remains that that like the best move is to take kim out like like i don't know i know that the aftermath of that might be scary but it can't be as ridiculous as what we currently have which is you know a dictator trying his best to get an ICBM with a hydrogen bomb mounted on it so they can get his way, geopolitically speaking. So kill the guy. Kill him.

How good are we at that? Because I'm not quite sure. It seems like there are other people we've wanted to kill. Saddam Hussein comes to mind. Gaddafi comes to mind. Gaddafi comes to mind. And we don't get to do it that cleanly, right? Because there's a part of me that thinks, aha, no, no, no. We have laser satellites up there just waiting to zap anybody at any time, any time we want to. But that's never how it goes down. We don't quite have the intelligence to find them and kill them. And you can't just send six Navy SEALs in and expect success, it seems. We'd also have to kill the entire family. It's not like – this isn't Joffrey and Tommen. It's not like the next in line is like a sweet young kid who just wants everything for the best. We don't know that.

It's just another – If I kill Steve Hofstetter, maybe Steve Hofstetter Jr., or whatever your brother's name would be, takes that as a sign that you have to shape up. Stop giving the fans ideas. No, I'm not suggesting that you do it with a laser bomb.

It may have to be more intricate than that. I always hear that the North Koreans have all these agents in South Korea, sleeper agents, who are waiting to do mischief. They're waiting. If the war starts, they're already in South Korea placed working as tailors. I was going to say tailors. Who the fuck's a tailor anymore?

They're having dashers. Yeah, yeah. My mother is a tailor. She sewed my new blue jeans. They're ready to poison water supplies or attack electrical grids or whatever the hell their mission may or may not be why don't we have some guy in north korea who's like pouring kim's tea or something who could place bombs everywhere the uh you know when we're trying to get very hard i'm sorry you had more to go but like apparently that's a black hole you can't

really get sleeper agents in there you can't invade it in the same way that you can in, like, I don't know, Austria. Because Austria has relations with everybody else in the world, and people come and go, and you just learn another language and you're ready to go. Have you seen The Dictator? I think that James Franco has figured this whole thing out. You need a James Franco

slash Seth Rogen duo to go in there. They hate us because they ain't us. I'll tell you who the man to pull the trigger is. I'll tell you right fucking now. It's Dennis Rodman. Dude's like 6'8". He's a muscular guy. Be like, Dennis, you go in.

You fucking snap his neck. We're going to pull you right the fuck out. You hit this beacon. SEAL Team 6 is coming down. They're going to fast rope you out of there. You're going to be safe. You got to break his neck. You got to take him down. What're going to fast rope you out of there. You're going to be safe. You've got to break his neck. What about this for a plan? Hear me out.

Dennis Rodman snaps his neck and then he puts on a disguise and walks around amongst the North Koreans undetected. That's what I would do. I bet we do have sleeper agents there, but the best way to get away with lying is for everyone to believe that you're a terrible liar. You know? Like, that's the way to get away with stuff. If they believe, even, like Kim Jong-un,

like, there's no way they could get in here. Like, we're too inculcated in our own little area of the world like that's what we would want them to believe like we wouldn't want to be bloviating in the news like we've you know we can infiltrate them anytime we want because then if anybody was in there then they're like oh well it's time for me to clean house you know i'm not sure if you're right or if you should have said that in an alex jones impression because one of them like either you're on to something or that's crazy conspiracy. I don't know.

We've got more men in North Korea than they have North Koreans. They say millions are in camps. It's not true. Look at any single one of those satellite photos they have on top. There's no people there. No people. Look at a picture of Pyongyang. No people. It's a complete conspiracy. We've been owning North

Korea for decades at this point. And it's only a matter of Pyongyang. No people. It's a complete conspiracy. We've been owning North Korea for decades at this point, and it's only a matter of time until 45 gets us under control. That sounds like something he would say. That was amazing. That was really good. Thank you. He's a fun guy to watch

compilations of. That's the only solution that I see, because we all know the reason you can. They got those artillery pieces they say there's gonna be there's at best a 45 second warning is what we would get if they launched an attack so like there's no way to do anything about it uh because of the conventional weapons but but he's racing toward an icbm that's it's good just no good it's no i i for whole life, I've lived in cities that people want to bomb. And, like, I kind of envy. Detroit.

Yeah, there's part of it. You like it. They're like, let's bomb it and see if anybody notices. Where just the idea of, like, I'm from New York, you know, born and raised and lived there for 30 years. And I live in L.A. And, like, these are places where I'm like, yeah, they're probably going to aim here. There's part of me that's like, what if I

just lived in Rolla, Missouri? Is Rolla a place? We already went through this. The problem with that is our nuclear armament is often housed in those locations, so of course they want to hit our population centers, but if you're dealing with a Russia or a China or something like

that, then they're also going to want to hit our nuclear arsenals as a preemptive thing to prevent us shooting them. And those are all housed in the bullshit places of our country, no offense. The flyover states, as they're known. No offense to those of you that live in the bullshit places. Yeah, you know, Taylor and

anyone. Oh, you mean the part of the country that provides all the power and food? Eat shit. Yeah, I wonder why you've got so much free space to throw it on. Pistachios and a couple of solar panels. Free food provides all the food. I live in California.

That's where most of the fruits and vegetables come from. No, you guys mostly make pistachios and almonds and luxury foods. But they're good almonds. You don't make corn. You don't make beef. They're very good almonds. I think they make tomatoes in the winter.

Those shitty tomatoes in the winter with no flavor? Thank California. Without us, there'd be no guacamole. Very little guacamole in this country without us. Say goodbye to your avocado. I love guacamole very little guacamole in this country without us yeah say goodbye to your avocado i love guacamole i was like on the exact same position of steve a couple weeks ago being like man i'm glad i live in st louis they're not gonna bomb st louis and then chiz being the perennial buzzkill was like actually missouri is the prime target given how many nuclear silos

they have there and he lent he linked me a like multiple articles just showing like see you can get bombed here and then also there and then that's another bad one it's like really like but they're not gonna hit us you're right they are gonna go for la or something like that because he's a show woman if you have one bomb like he does then yeah if russia might go for you but north korea would for Steve. Yeah, you don't spend your one bomb. You don't waste your one bomb on Taylor. You take me out first. No.

Yeah, you definitely take Steve out. If Kim Jong-un is a listener, you know. If. If. Obviously he listens. He's a patron. Keep just firing those things into the ocean. He's a huge fan. Dude He's a patron. Keep just firing those things into the ocean. He's a huge fan.

Dude, about the patron. So if people don't know, what happened is like two or three weeks ago, we were in a Patreon hangout and a guy said that I wasn't ever going to heal from this broken leg because I was too old and something else. And I got really mad at him and I gave him a hard time. I think I said that he was struggling with obesity and losing his hair. Anyway, so...

This is what the fans pay for. Yeah, it turns out you're right. Because the next time we do a hangout, it overflows. We have to do another one the next day. One of the patrons told me that if I don't berate him, he will feel like he didn't get his money's worth.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Like, just talk. I don't know. I didn't even put two and two together. The room was overflowing. We bought the bigger package so we could hold more people.

It wasn't enough. And like Kyleyle said we did another one the next day and cut down on repeats so that we had room for all the people and it turned out it was because i gave this one guy such a hard time everyone was interested they wanted to see me be an asshole again yeah so it was a blessing in disguise our patreon is linked down the description below uh so we did we did like we did a hangout this saturday i think we started at two and i think that the last person left at like 7 p.m so i i think i think it had five hours in that one and the next day i want to say it started at two and went to like seven again it would like 10 or 11 hours of hanging out with you gentlemen uh over the weekend you

could definitely got your money's worth. Yeah, we promise an hour. It's never an hour. But it's usually not seven. You said gentlemen. Are there any women? Not yet. Sometimes a gentleman will bring his girlfriend. We've had a couple girlfriends off to the side

of the camera hovering in the background. If there are any women who would like... Chiz just said not since 2014 yeah if there are any women who would like to be in the hangout it's free for you just just contact chis he'll work it out i'm gonna cover your spot that's how it's free you know just just come on in we we'd love to have a female in there for the other dozen guys to to oogle over it'd really help our numbers out. We'd appreciate that. I looked.

Since I stopped making gaming videos, my percent of women that watch my channel has gone from like 96 to 90. Well, the guys went from 96 to 99%. So literally, if you're a girl watching this show, you are the 1%. You are the 1%. So occupy Patreon. That's so funny. I mean, it's so weird because we have such a female friend on the show. Unless they have ugly pussies at which place.

Get the fuck out. We had a black person in there too. So don't act like we don't attract all kinds. There was a black gentleman in there. so so so don't act like we don't attract all kinds there was there was a black gentleman in there he i he was my favorite this week my two favorite from this uh this week of course we had a regular group of guys hedge fund dude a lot i liked hedge fund guy a lot he had some cool stories um i i really liked uh the black guy though because he had the story um woody stayed for like three hours or something but and and then on the first day The second day I stayed all night You absolutely did

And on the first day we were getting ready to shut it down And then Woody left and then I just stayed I stayed another two or three hours or something like that And the black guy told this story about getting drunk In Panama City And he Goes back to his friend's apartment Goes to take a shit

And then he blacks out. And he's like, I wake up, and I'm naked in the bathtub, and my other friend who doesn't own the apartment is standing over me, and he immediately starts saying, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. And I'm like, what's okay? What's okay? And then I look around the bathroom, and there's shit everywhere. There's shit on the – I never even opened the toilet seat there's shit on top of the lid there's shit on the floor there's shit on the walls in handprints that look like they were clawed like someone was clawing with shit hands to escape trying to escape there's shit all over in the bath water and he's like it's okay everybody poops everybody poops he's like

so i get out of the bathtub and i go lay down and i i wake up the next morning i'm like ah and then it hits me the shit i forgot all about the shit i'm like what happened to this shit my friend's like it's okay man i cleaned all that shit up nobody will ever know about it and i was like that's the best fucking friend i've ever even heard about mmm like a body cleanup level that's above that like you could go me this guy had a heart attack in my house let's drag him outside so he's technically outside when he had it and I'm not culpable in any way all right I guess but you shit yourself everywhere and you're on your own dude you are on your own that guy is going to ask him to kill for him eventually he's

got a chip to call in right like oh my god favor to call in a real big one i wonder after hearing that story i wonder why you don't have more female listeners it's so strange it is by the way i will say this i have probably you know five people per show ever since i started being on the show come up to me and say hey i heard you on pka never a woman and it's not going to happen not a single one the guys they're very nice they're very nice you know and they're very excited by it and i get you know and i get people all the time like when i do live streams asking me when i'm gonna come back on the show but like never never a woman not one time that's not the kind of audience we draw they are a non-vocal minority um almost non-existent you might say

i have a tinder. You guys tell me. So essentially it's this. Taylor has all these Tinder stories. And I've been married for 22 years. I don't know, a long time. So I obviously can't participate on Tinder for real. But what if I went on there as a puppy, right? Like a female puppy.

And it's like, hey, hit me with a funny joke. Give me your lines. And I did the whole thing catfishing as a puppy. Is this okay? There are lots of people doing this already. There's a lot of catfishers. Or catfish, I guess. Also, what a way to try to get on Tinder without your wife being upset. What a clever way to be like, because it's for a bit, right?

I would be attracting guys, too. Clever. All right. Clever way to be like, because it's for a bit, right? It's just for a bit. I would be attracting guys, too. Hey, honey, I'm going on a date tonight with this female CPA. It's all a bit. It's all a bit. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, I hear where you're going with that. But I would go on there, and part of the thing would be how I'm a bitch, right?

Because I'm a female dog in this thing. Because also, I think the guys are the ones that bring the funny lines like you know that do the funny openings and stuff and i would get like the rest of life yeah yeah right so that that's the idea i go on there like as a girl that you don't know what i really look like because i'm a puppy and the guys hit me with lines and we see if i'm anything funny or you're gonna get our our desperate desperate guys that might be good uh who don't get swipes from actual women and the only reason i would say not to do it is that there's some poor schmuck out there who is at the end of his rope he's just like i can't even get laid through tinder are you shitting me am i that undesirable and then he's gonna find out that he got catfished by a

millionaire in north carolina for a bit and maybe he's going to find out that he got catfished by a millionaire in North Carolina for a bit. And maybe he won't figure it out. But that, I don't know, that could be... He's like, I was just trying to fuck that puppy. Yeah. Finally thought I found my niche on this goddamn app. I think I'm going to do it

and we'll see what it gets. I don't know. I had someone message me the other day. I had someone message me the other day day and every now and then like i'll reply just for the screen grab to make my buddy laugh and so i had someone messaged me the other day and her open was hello beautiful soul and i replied and i said that's like opening with a guy in a wheelchair saying nice legs. And no reply. Definitely no reply. I had another one.

I only swiped right on her because her name was Tape. T-A-P-E. I swiped on her. This was when I was in I forget where. Somewhere off into the world. I swiped on her i met i matched with her and so then i took the screen grab uh and i sent it to my buddy and i just

had a text and i said things are about to get sticky and then he opened up the picture and it says you matched with tape so like it's just i use i do i do shit like that on it i had uh a girl that mess or that i it was one of those where if you, you approve them and they'd already approved you, it goes like, Oh, you got a match. It was one of those. And I,

I wasn't paying that much attention just going through and I saw it and I went there and I looked through the pictures and it was just pictures of underwear on a bed. I was like, I know what it is. And I was like, there's nobody like there's nobody in these pictures. And I messaged them like, hey, you a ghost?

And she was like, ha ha. Honestly, though, I'm just trying to sell used underwear. And I was like, that's great. I hope business is booming. And then I just haven't responded. I'm sure she's out there selling underwear to gross men who buy underwear from strangers. See, that's ridiculous because you couldn't even see what she looked like. See, you can go on Reddit and find one of these Reddit pours, and you can find the one you like the most and get her underwear.

So why would you want to buy it from an invisible woman? Yeah, I don't know why. I don't know the appeal of buying underwear from a woman. Yeah, but like, how do you leave that? One day at a time. One day at a time.

How do you finish there and then go wash your hands or like the next morning after getting out of the shower, you're brushing your teeth and you catch your own eyes in the mirror before quickly averting you know I had there was one girl I was talking to her probably you know back and forth messaging for like 20 minutes and then she does the whole like sugar baby thing like she does the whole like you know cuz I was like oh yeah you know we should hang out you know come by come by my show tomorrow and uh and she does the whole like oh you know uh

if you you know like maybe you buy me something or like whatever it is and i was like oh no thanks and uh she's like why not and i was like well because hookers are obsolete now that Tinder exists. Yeah. So best of luck to you. But it's like, why would you buy porn now when it's all just free? Exactly. Like, she's out there on the corner store trying to sell milk. And there's a million other stans going, free milk, yeah, free milk. I want to hear Kyle's take on this, though. It's much more attractive than this other milk.

Kyle pays for porn? What's up? I've got a Naughty America subscription because of their VR and 4K content. I mean, if you go to a regular porn site, we've all got nice monitors, at least 1080p or better. But you rarely find true HD pornography. It's like no amateurs are shooting with an iPhone. I don't get it. But if you go to Naughty America and I put it on my 4K monitor

or even my 1440p monitor, it's a startling difference. You see like goose pimples and stuff. It's just better. And if you're going to do VR porn, then you really don't have any other choice. I think that these porn sites are creating a false scarcity.

They're taking this 1080p porn shot on even an iPhone and dumbing it down to 360p so that people pay for the premium content. I hadn't even thought about that. Alex Jones should be on this. It's bullshit! There he is.

They take the HD footage, they make it SD. That's how they get you. All of these girls have been on the Lolita Express. I get what you're saying, Kyle, with the super, super high quality and HD and all that. I've never done the VR thing. When I visit your house, I'll try it.

What a wonderful guy. Why are the handles so sticky? Where's the auto blow? I know you've got the auto blow somewhere. Steve, do you know about the auto blow? I don't, but I'm pretty sure I figured it out just now. It's a cylinder about this big around, maybe 9 or 10 inches across. about this big around,

like maybe nine or ten inches across, and it's a series of these spring low, it's like those beads that used to be in those little beads, there you go, there's a thing right there. Basically, you plug this thing in and put it on your cock, and it yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank, It's loud. See, Woody demonstrated

one on low. I always just go straight to high. There's no... Come on, bitch! Maybe you add a little motion in with it to counteract with the stroking. It's a modern

day masterpiece. All your neighbors are like, he mows his lawn every day. The grass is really long. You stake your claim. Everyone knows not to open that door, right? They might walk on you masturbating by hand, but when they're down the hallway

hearing the yang, yang, yang, yang, yang, they know, turn around. Hey, is it time for an ad now? They like being sandwiched around these topics. You've been waiting since February 6th. Football

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to play for your shot at $1 billion on week one. The contest is totally free to enter, so why wouldn't you try? DraftKings, the game inside the game. Eligibility restrictions apply. See DraftKings.com for details. And this leads me to my next topic, which is hockey season is coming up.

And of course, DraftKings. Yes, it is. DraftKings applies to all sports. I'm widely known as the biggest hockey guy on the podcast. That's true. I don't know about that, but hockey is coming nonetheless. And I think this would be very interesting

for us to compete against one another and see what we can do. Now, I don't know if we're going to set some sort of bet, some sort of a shame bet, perhaps. I enjoy those very much, much more than monetary gains. I'd love to shame one of you by beating you at this sport

that you both love so so much i think i can do it i'll put the research the man hours in i'll do whatever it takes i'll even cheat i don't give a fuck so so let's uh i say the cheat i'll cheat out here so if uh i think if you're out there there in the audience go sign up at draft kings uh i think that uh especially as soon as hockey season starts. When does it start, Taylor? You would know. I have no idea. The first game of the season for the Blues is October 4th, I believe. So it's coming up. A couple weeks away. A few weeks away.

You want to sign up now? Go ahead and get in the system. You can play a little football. But I think we're going to have a hockey fantasy hockey competition among the three of us and perhaps among any of you. Yeah, I think we could get fans in it, right? Totally down. Yeah, so we could set up

some... I'm new to this, but yeah, there'll be hundreds or thousands of people in it. I don't know how this works and we'll play. That would be awesome. That would be. Yeah, that'd be fun. I'm sure Chiz would do it too. I'm sure... Steve knows a lot about sports. He'd probably be good. I might do it um and there

is one specific fan of yours that would definitely want to beat me at something he'll be so angry if he doesn't but that's a very good idea kyle you're gonna have to look up all of the players in their i think you're gonna have a problem getting all the russians and eastern europeans straight because there's not a lot of vowels to work with All of the players in their... I think you're going to have a problem getting all the Russians and Eastern Europeans straight because there's not a lot of vowels to work with. You should have a... You should actually, like, have... Invite all of your guests.

Like, all of your past guests. Have, like, a rogues gallery of people who have been on the show in the league. Chiz, jot that down. Reach out to all guests that we've ever had. For episode 352. This could take a while. Yeah, but I've been on three of the episodes.

So there are only 49 left. At most. But I like this idea a lot. I like the idea of competing against you guys. We'll see how many of you guys out there listening want to take part in this thing. And if we get enough, we'll get a dozen, a two dozen, three dozen, something like that, maybe

we'll even throw in some sort of I don't know, maybe we all toss in a little cash. Maybe there's a way to facilitate that on the site. We'll see how it goes. I don't want to do anything illegal or anything, but we'll make it interesting is what I'm getting at. Maybe the winner gets to come on the show for a few

minutes or gets a free hangout or gets something like that. I have a cool idea. I'm going to win this by a decent margin. Big talk. Let me explain why.

Fantasy football is every week. You change your players once a week. Fantasy hockey, every other day there's a game and there's a lot of injuries. And I guarantee you're gonna forget and leave people in who are injured and that's gonna be what gets you. I may not have

the best lineup, but you're not gonna remember all the players. Here's an issue I have. I'm gonna be watching these games. I'm gonna be steeped in fucking hockey. You're getting fucked. I have an actual conflict here because i'm sitting here asking myself like do you want to avoid every penguin because some of them get a lot of points but clearly they suck so so what's the play here

like i don't want crosby on my fantasy do you want mcdavid yeah everybody's gonna want conor mcdavid for that first pick. Or maybe Crosby. Those would be the two obvious ones. But if Woody picks fit first and doesn't go for Crosby, you bet your ass I'm grabbing Crosby. He's never had a bad season. He's going to. He's getting older, although he still can't grow a beard.

He's 30. Yeah, he's about to break. That's when it happens. Okay. Crosby's about to break downhill. No, that, okay. I really hope you do that,

Kyle, and that you're following it and that you're intense because you do have that personality where if you get into this competitively, I have no doubt in my mind, you'll be watching games for real and coming with, and you'll, and you know what? Much to your chagrin after a few games,

you're going to start to really like watching it. This is so hockey. This is so hockey this is so please love my sport is like a hockey cliche yeah he won't like it no i don't i don't want hockey to become too big as to where it becomes like the nfl or nba and they have to be like oh you have to wear pink socks for breast cancer and oh there's also this is a fucking uh children who have been raped tonight stand up in silence and have your evening ruined for this. Like, hockey should stay in the fourth place.

There's a kid rape night? I'm saying that they have. Well, no, not like the way you said it. It's child rape awareness. It's child rape awareness every time the Flyers get their mitts on Crosby. Unless it's on the scoreboard, eh? That's just child rape awareness. Every time the flyers get their mitts on Crosby. Oh, it's on the scoreboard. Hey,

shut up. We'll see. I hope that you go for like all Philly players and like halfway through the season, you're like, this is a bad idea. Turns out a lot of these guys play the same position. Yeah,

I actually, I actually like drafting players on other teams because it mitigates my disappointment when my team's loose yep i would definitely draft like patrick kane or you know jonathan taves or someone speaking of i think this is going to be awesome because i think a lot it especially if you're one of the 50 patrons like you might as well sign up it's free to sign up and everything so like you're going to get to hang out with us every month for several hours

and this will give us something fun to josh each other about and have a good time about. Definitely. Silly game. I could totally see that British guy not paying any attention to hockey in the hangout. Winning. Oh yeah, and winning that could be. I did

for the end of this season season I did a Game of Thrones death pool and that was really fucking fun and I definitely want to do one for the final season I did I was one death away from winning I didn't think about

Benjen that might not even he was already technically dead so i think yeah but no no it's still it's still counted because basically what we did is we took there were like 45 main characters left and we just took those and you know you just get to pick 10 of them and then you get points depending on who dies sooner the sooner your person dies the more points it's worth but next year i'm going to do it so that the fewer people, like, the more people who pick

your character, the fewer points it's worth. So, if, like, you pick Arya and she dies, people are like, ah, fuck, nobody saw that coming. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who does everyone know is going to die?

Who's left that everyone knows will die? Everybody thinks Cersei's going to die. Everybody thinks she is going to die? Who's left that everyone knows will die? I already think Cersei's going to die. Cersei's dead. Jaime's dead. Bronn's dead. Mountain's dead. The Mountain's dead. Mountain's my number one guy.

Jorah, I think. Jorah's dead. Fucking the black guy with no cock, he's dead. I don't know. I think Grey Worm might make it. Grey Worm. Oh, Grey Worm. I'm stuck on Reek. Yeah, Beric Dondarrion's definitely dead.

Yeah, I think that I don't know about the main three, Tyrion, the Khaleesi, and Jon. It's hard to pick one of them to die, but shit, I think the Khaleesi's probably going to die. I like that Azor Azai mythology and the whole sword through the heart to temper it and everything.

I'd love it if Jon Snow had to sacrifice her to win the battle or whatever it took. I could see Tyrion dying just as a fuck you to the fans, but here's the thing. This show's no longer, in my opinion, based on George Martin's writing. I like that tweet from George

where he's like, ah, they were asking him, what do you think of the show? And he's like, I don't really have time to watch anymore. And then a few weeks later, he's tweeting, ah, they were asking him what do you think of the show? And he's like, I don't really have time to watch anymore. And then like a few weeks later, he's tweeting about The Last Kingdom on Netflix, that show that we watch. Which is a really long show, right? It's clear George is not, that to me says

I don't really like what they're doing to my fucking work. I'll keep collecting those checks. I'll keep accepting that producer credit. But they're not doing what I want to get done. So I don't think that they're going to kill... I don't think George Martin's working anymore. I think he's watching TV and jerking off and laying in piles of money like the Breaking Bad meme.

Well, he releases chapters occasionally. He's working. He's just not Stephen King working. He's not. It's a different level. He's a slovenly guy. But look, I'm going to forgive him anything and everything because he's created the second best mythology that's ever...

Third best, if you count the Bible, that's ever been written. It's fucking great. Lord of the Rings? Lord of the Rings. Tolkien is the man. Tolkien is the man. That beats everything. The man invented his own languages that actually work. Yeah, I prefer Game of Thrones. Oh, no, no, no. man that beats everything the man invented his own languages that actually work yeah i prefer game of thrones i think no no no lord of the rings is uh that is the foundation upon which

so many fantasy shows are built okay i hear you although there's not many lord of the rings characters that die and i knock it for that but i mostly knock it for its super detailed boring storytelling that that's my issue with lord of the rings it is a chore in the book though i am well yeah i'm just meaning like the lore itself like the story the the how the end like how like what you're saying right now the the the minutia of the books where it's aggravating because they'll spend forever on a feast or something stupid or the way uh you know elaborate pillars are holding up a chair. And then he'll just breeze by the Battle of Helm's Deep. They will spend a page detailing

what the soil is like that they're walking on. And that's not an exaggeration. They'll do a page on how rocky it is, how dark it is, how slippery it is, stuff like that. Just sort of laying it all out there. And if you're trying to enjoy a story, I find that it turns it into a chore.

But if you're talking about the lore of it, that adds so much to the – like he didn't just say, oh, this is Middle Earth, and they speak languages. It was like he obsessively made languages for each race. He made different stylistic choices for all the different races as far as clothes and their economic pursuits and everything. It's just so in-depth. Our very idea of what an elf is is from that. Our very idea of what dwarves are and stuff.

He created these characters that live on in hundreds and thousands of years. It's fair to say that. All that's true, but I read the Lord of the Rings book like I read the Greyjoy chapters. Yeah. Like in just like, I really don't care about most of these characters. Fuck off.

I've said it before. It's an act of discipline to make it through those books. That is a perfect example of a movie series that is better than the books. Yeah. Game of Thrones, the books are better than the show as far as Game of Thrones is concerned,

but I don't think there's any argument that the Lord of the Rings books are not as entertaining and captivating concerned, but I don't think there's any argument that the Lord of the Rings books are not as entertaining and captivating as this. I don't know. There's story structure. There's a number of things that the show changed that story structure helped it. And also, you don't have 8,000 fucking years

on the Greyjoys that we don't give a shit about. And even, because look, I saw the show before I read the books and all these people were like, just wait till Dorne. Just wait till Dorne. And then I got to Dorne in the books and I was like, oh, fucking boring desert. Like, the Dorne chapters were terrible.

You know what the most interesting thing about the Greyjoys is? The reason that I'm really fascinated with the Greyjoys and the Iron Islands? Whenever the Greyjoys first got, you know, in the lore, whenever they first got to the Iron Islands, there was Greyjoys first got, you know, in the lore, whenever they first got to the Iron Islands, there was a salt throne there, a gigantic salt throne, which suggests the existence of, not just

giants, but an intelligent race of giants that is a whole new race of beings within that universe. Which I would love to read about instead of the fucking Greyjoys. I agree. I agree. Also, Harry Potter, like Chiz mentioned Harry Potter, and I think maybe he was doing that as like a slam about instead of the fucking Greyjoys. I agree. I agree. Also, Harry Potter. Chiz mentioned Harry Potter.

I think maybe he was doing that as a slam against Lord of the Rings because he's like, Harry Potter is greater than Lord of the Rings. I really like Harry Potter. I like that universe it created. I started reading those books when I was maybe 10 or 11 or something like that. So I was at a perfect age to just consume them. And I think at the time maybe there were five books out of the seven and so I consumed those five books in such I I just remember sitting

there and just going through them and being sleepy and tired and like falling asleep and waking up and opening the book again and going right back into it I went through them faster than I've ever read anything and then as much as a nerd as I as it makes me feel like i was at the midnight releases for the books for the books i was waiting in line like like of course you know i was in line for halo 3 i was and i was in line for for plenty of stuff like that but i was in line for harry potter uh five uh six and seven the way i remember it. And I loved it. And I remember reading all fucking night. Like, the night it came out, I was like, well, I'll sleep all day. That way, tonight,

I'll be, like, up. And I can fucking get halfway through book 6, or whatever it was. I really enjoy that universe. I watched Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, and it was garbage, though. I don't think I've waited in line for anything to come out, ever. The only line I waited in, I've waited in line for anything to come out ever.

The only line I waited in, I can think of like one of those lines on the street, was season two of Last Comic Standing. Like that's the only, that's the only, and I shouldn't have because I didn't know that the show was fixed at the time. So like, it was, it isn't anymore. So it was under the't anymore so it was under the old producers where like everybody

who competed already had like an existing deal and like even that the three people who moved on from the city I was waiting in none of them were on the line with us and none of them lived in that city so I was in Nashville just because I was touring at the time

but anyway it was oh Chiz is mad at me because I said on the line instead of in the line. Fuck you. There's a line, imaginary line on the street that I was standing on in order to be in the right place. Okay, so I've just never – and there are a lot of things. I'm really excited for the next iPhone because my 6 is a piece of shit and I've been holding out. Like, my 6 has died. But I'm holding out because I didn't want to be the guy that buys it a week before it fucking comes out.

But, like, I'm not going to stand in line. I'm just going to preorder it and they're going to mail it to me. Yeah. I don't get, like, people who wait in line for new phones when they come out. Oh, yeah. line for for new phones when they come out oh those are always the people that end up getting the phone that blows up or that sucks or that if you hold it in the wrong way remember like the first i don't remember what iphone it was but i got it uh pretty early on and you had to like hold it with two fingers but not touch a certain area yeah we just drop a call that was the floor

and you like accidentally hold one area and be like, fuck, fuck! They never fixed that. Oh, it's no big deal, guys. Just put a rubber band on top and you're solid. That's not true. They made something called a bumper that around the whole... It's like a case now, except that it didn't have a back.

So if you dropped it, it was protective. And then, of course, you couldn't... Because what happened is there were two antennas. I'm a little mixed on this. Maybe one was Wi-Fi and the other was for the like uh cellular cellular thank you that's what i'm searching for and uh but if you touched both of them like with your fingers it would bridge them and make them both not work so they gave out free cases more or less but it was a bumper so it just went around the whole edge but i'm looking forward to the iphone 10 like i'm kind of down for it but the thing is this like all the revolutionary changes

to me it seems are done the low-hanging fruit like when they first put a compass in the phone they have some sort of electromagnetic compass that's in there it's like no dude you don't get it gps's are going to get 40 times better previously they couldn't tell what direction you were traveling, so they had to wait for you to go somewhere and assume that was forward. Now that there's a compass in the phone, they really get that you're turning and faster. Then they put a barometer in there, which seems small, but it ties into altitude and GPS. Accelerometer. They're outrageous.

Yeah. So they did a lot of cool things. The platform got better, and then all the app world goes in there and they, they take advantage of this platform and things just explode. So what did they add this time? Like there's better graphics, the face recognition. So the face,

but you write them, but that's not a thing that like every app developer is going to leverage to turn into something better. I don't think that's just for unlocking it. It's also very dumb because now a cop can go through your phone. They just point it to your fucking face. That's interesting. Yeah.

But the thing that I thought was stupid, because a lot of people, that was something I definitely agreed with. Or someone you're with can wait for you to fall asleep and just fucking unlock your phone i didn't think of that yeah which is shitty but um the one thing that i thought was stupid and again progressive bleeding heart but when people were like oh so so Muslim women who cover their face can't use that feature? It's like, no. But also, like, they can't use makeup. They're not allowed to drive or go to the store. By the way, you can still enter a password.

So it's not like they can't use the phone, but they can't use that feature. Right, they can't use that one feature. Here's issue can i jump in with the facial id so here's a normal use case for me i've got i don't my car doesn't have like great phone integration so i have one of those little clips that goes on your air conditioner vent and what i do right now like let's say i want to unlock it and pick a song i put my thumb on it and then i you know do the thing if in the future i have to either like put my face in front of it so it picks me up or take it out of the clip and point it at myself for it to unlock yeah or enter the password which is pretty like a pretty distracted driving type thing like that that's i really will miss the thumbprint open. You made a silly face as you were getting it set up,

so you're driving and you have to be like... Look, a couple kids are going to die in accidents, and that's just the price we pay for technology. Yeah, probably. Here's the feature I want. Kyle's got something. I want to lie the phone down. I like it when phones have a little stand

so that you can have the phone stand up for you. I would like to turn the phone horizontal. A little stand kicks out so it's facing me. And it laser displays some sort of image of a keyboard in front of me. A full fucking size keyboard that I can

type on. And I can... Like a keyboard that's holographic is displayed on the table in front of the phone and I can seamlessly interact with that and use it like it's a computer. That's coming on the 11th. That won't work. It will be actually harder than just typing on your phone, because without a tactile response, like without being able to feel the difference in the keys, you're just going to be, you know, chicken pecking the way that you would, like, the way old people type. Like, there's just, yeah, that wouldn't work. I don't think that. And another thing to think about with this facial recognition, eventually, you know, what if you want to tweet something that you think is really funny?

And it's like, this is, you know, 10 years down the line in 1984 times. And it goes like, citizen citizen you've been attempting to tweet hate speech your picture has been sent to the local authorities and it just takes a picture of you then you get suspended and then you're like oh i guess well i guess i'm going to jail because i because i i tweeted out some hate speech or what is now hate speech you know in 20 2027 so you know that's facts, people. I didn't make this up just now. Thanks, Alex. I could see something

like that happening. I picture myself getting the new phone and then six hours later being like, well, my life didn't change at all. Well, I... So, when the new MacBook came out, and it was very expensive

because it had this new touch bar thing, and I wanted the new one just because it's got a better processor. I just wanted a better fucking processor, and you have no choice because the only thing you have is a touch bar, and you basically are paying an extra $1,000 for this thing with the touch bar, and I have disabled the touch bar because it's so fucking

sensitive and you can't change the level of sensitivity to it that like i can't tell you how many emails i sent accidentally because i wasn't done typing them and one of my fingers passed near the fucking touch bar and then it was like, he's done with this. Let's just send it out. That's the touch bar doing that? So, my computer is constantly reloading a browser page. I have the same one with the touch bar and everything. Or going back.

I'm typing. That's exactly why. It's the touch bar? How long has this been happening that you didn't figure this out? New topic. It took me about a day. No, I didn't figure this out? New topic. It took me about a day. No, I didn't think it was. Here's what happens.

I know that when I type, often my left pinky rests near the top, past the keys. That's exactly where the fucking touch bar is. And so it often hits whatever. And that's where they put the main key so i changed my touch bar so that all it is is what the keys that used to be there and still i accidentally brush the brightness and i accidentally brush the sound and a fucking itunes track starts playing and like all that shit and there's no there's nothing about this that I've been like, that was convenient. There's no part of this touch bar that I have enjoyed. Yeah, I'm totally with you.

There's never been a scenario in which I thought the touch bar was better. I do hope that sometime they'll leverage this platform and there'll be useful shit on the touch bar. Hasn't happened yet. I don't even have any ideas on what could make it better. I wish it did this. But yeah, so far it's been a total loss for me.

One thing happens, when I go full screen in a YouTube video, what would be the escape button gets like triple sized. So it becomes really easy to exit full screen when you want to. That's about the only upside I've found so far. But yeah, I'm hoping I can modify it in Chrome to just remove, back forward and reload, because I don't use those and I hit it all the time, I guess.

By the way, the Indians just set the record for the most wins in a row. 21? By 22 now. Because that's the most in the majors, not just the American League. And they just did it by, they were down to their last strike in the ninth. They tied it up, and they won in the tenth. That's fucking ridiculous. That's pretty neat. I just wanted to throw that in there

because I just got the little text alert. Are they in first? I know it seems like they should be by now but I read that the Redskins were in first. The Redskins are in first. I meant the Red Sox. Oh, you're saying like the best record? They're in different divisions. But who has the best me think. Oh, you're saying like the, like the best record and they're in different divisions.

Does that, but who has the best record? Oh, so you're saying like, yeah, the Dodgers still have the best record in baseball. Okay. Even though they're fighting to give that away.

The Indians are way ahead of the Red Sox. The Indians have the best record in the American league by looks like four games over the Astros or three, four games over the Astros. Or three. Three games over the Astros. And in the National League... So they have the second best record in baseball. The Dodgers are still a few games ahead of them.

But, I mean, like three games ahead of them. So the Indians, unless all goes wrong, the Indians will probably pass the Dodgers for the best record in baseball. And that is, and those are things. This is compelling. Yeah. The only reason I knew that is because I just happened to check the baseball standings

today. Otherwise, I would have had no idea who was doing well and who was. I know the Cardinals aren't having a good year because everybody here talks about it constantly.'re doing they're doing better than they thought they would be doing actually the cardinals are doing okay it's just everybody here has such high expectations every single year that if they're not one of the best teams it's like oh we're just we just suck it's like that's also by the way the whole fucking thing of cardinals fans saying that they're the best in baseball over and over again is very fucking annoying i hear i i see that i mean i'm not a huge baseball fan so

you know i've never heard my friends who are baseball fans who are pretty much all my friends uh say that but i have gone to like our baseball before just to get a feel for the culture and i'll see like espn stories and like score stories, and it'll be like, another four reasons St. Louis baseball fans are the best in the game. And even reading it, I'm like, oh, don't do that. Don't make us look like that cunty. Yeah, it's very cunty. It's extremely cunty. It's a little cunty. If the dental dam fits.

You must acquit. Oh, God, what kind of a murder story would that be? Dan Fitz. You must have quit. Oh, God. What kind of a murder story would that be? That's how they find who's guilty. That's a disgusting method. The OJ story really took a turn. Yeah, it did.

This is an Ask Reddit topic. I was going to bring up something new. What is the one fetish you will never understand? Sounding. Sounding is inserting things into your urethra. Oh, that's a good choice. Wow, that was quick. That's a good answer.

I agree. It's a great answer, but holy shit. Why is it called sounding? Because you make horrible sounds when you do it. What is it called when they had you make horrible sounds when you do it. What is it called when they had that tool to find water underground? Is that sounding also? It's a sounding rod, right? Divining rod. I don't know where I got that from.

Here's the thing about sounding. They make specific implements for sounding, and they're like these stainless steel rods that are different sizes because I guess you stretch your urethra over time. So, like, just like dildos, there are many different sizes, and they start small, and then they got big ones. But that's not what I usually see when I'm on 4chan or Reddit or wherever I'm perusing.

Or in a sounding implement store. No, what I see in the sounding implement store. No, what I see... What I see... In the sounding district. I see horrible things stuck in there. Like, I've seen, like, a plastic fork inserted handle first all the way down to the prongs. Why did you do this to yourself?

And here's the worst. I've seen a woman's finger with, like, nails just stuck right into the head of a cock and yeah that's the kind of gift that you stumble upon on reddit when you're I mean on a on fortune just like like and before it's one of those things you can't even look away before it's happened like like like sometimes I'm just scrolling on 4chan just leave her something interesting something funny something I was just sitting there be like I'm just trying to find some good anti-Semitic memes.

Where are the Hitler Pepes? Where are they? And all of a sudden, there's a gif of some guy's head being pulled back, and then his throat is sawed off real quick before I can look away. I'm like, ah, there went a chunk of my soul. There it went. I just made another horcrux. It's out there in 4chan world now. But then, by the same regard, you'll see

penis and a woman's fingernail with some red polish, and she's just diving right in, a knuckle deep down the head of a cock. And it's just like, nah, I couldn't get on board with that. That had better feel incredible. That would have to feel so good. That would have to be the best feeling in the world

to ever even get on board with some shit like that, and I cannot understand. I would shit on a woman's face long before she'd stick her finger in the head to ever even get on board with some shit like that. I would shit on a woman's face long before she'd stick her finger in the head of my cock. The top rated comment was scat. That's one I'm not down for either. I don't think

there's anything sexy about it. That's exactly what I would have said. The idea of someone... I think I would less rather... I don't ever want to shit on somebody else but i would do that before getting shit on oh of course oh yeah that's your question but are you supposed to smear it or do anything with it or like it's really not for me no you bring what do you bring like a like a dog bag oh tell me more shit and then you're just like

let me just you know clean and then you tie up the bag, and you throw it out. And let me give you a little more for home. If only that girl had done that, her crackhead boyfriend would be safe. What you do with the shit really depends on how into scat you are, because, like, I remember way back in the day when, like, me and Fightboy

and, like, two or three others were watching. Where is this headed? It's that wild night. Yeah, well, we'd play this game where we'd sit a laptop down and five of us would sit in front of it. Oh, I remember this. Yeah, Taylor was part of this game. And we'd sit there and one of us, we'd take turns

picking the most vile video we could find on motherless.com or something like that. And then everybody watches and there's a judge behind the laptop and anyone who flinches has to take a drink and it gets, so like you find like bestiality or you find like scat or you find like something that's really going to shock someone to get them to flinch. And so I found this video of a man lying in a bathtub and he's got goggles on.

He's got, he's got like swimming goggles on. And the camera is focused on his face. Like this is the frame. I'm making it with my hands, but it's, you know, it's his face pretty much zoomed in. And then the shit starts falling on his face

and his open mouth. And he's chomping it. He's... Oh, that's where it got intolerable. Kyle, you're saying... Real quick, Kyle. You said falling out of her asshole. I would say tumbling out.

Because this was an already open asshole, and the poop was just coming out as fast as gravity would allow. Like it was tumbling out like potatoes from an upturned sack. He is thumping at it hungrily like a kid from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory who's sitting under the malted milk ball machine. He's just like, om, om, om, nom, nom, like Batman. Just gobbling it up. Greedily gobbling up this shit.

This diarrhea. And it's a weird consistency. Like, it's not all. It's a mix. Some of it will come out like soft serve ice cream, like a steady flow. And then in between, there are plop, plop, plop. Like hard chunks followed by a little gas so it like splatters all over him there's there's hard chunks there's

liquid chunks and he's he's a kid in a candy store he's so happy that this is happening to him it's a little more like meta about this event is uh as it was going on, like me and Whiteboy and Trevor and all the rest of us didn't know much about Motherless or E-Fucked. And so anytime we were having to like look for another video that was gross, Kyle off the top of his head would be like, Hey, do a firefighter piss in public part three? No, no, part four, part four. And it's like, if you put four part four and it's like put that in and it

was like and at the time i wasn't nearly as as good of friends with kyle as i am now this was like five six years ago and i remember sitting there like halfway through that game we were all pretty drunk and just thinking in my head like who really is this guy and this was it was just it was just baffling and we did this in the hotel lobby of a Marriott. Oh, my God. You did this in public? Yeah. Public-esque.

Yeah, they kind of take over the lobby. This is a paintball trip? Yeah, we were nine feet away from the free oranges. That reminds me of when I was in college. I was hanging out with a guy like i just met him you know it's like we lives down the hall and we're kind of friendly and we decided this is like early days of the web when like every and so every student got their own like little student web page and one of the other guys like his roommate had left the page open like his you know so we're

like oh we're gonna make him a web page and we're gonna like write embarrassing shit on it yeah and so then and we were like just like oh my likes are and we just were ran just making stuff up and i had a note like i just made up and I just go www.assbandit.com And it's a fucking visited link. I pulled I pulled the name of it out of nowhere, and it's in purple Purple like what the fuck just happened here, and I was just like backing away slowly from the computer Did you check ass bandit just to see no I never checked out All right, well you know what? It could be different from what it would have been

in 97. What is it? I'm sure it's different than 97. The owner of this website has not put up any webpages yet. Please come back later. Damn. That's a good domain name. Chiz just said, no, those porn people buy 20-year domain packages.

Get us assbandit.com. That is going to be the new home of PKA. Hey, and check out our sponsors. Visit our forums over at assbandit.com. Can you imagine, like, we meet somebody in real life, and we're explaining our podcast, et cetera. Well, hell, I'd like to do business with you. I'm into marketing. What's your domain?

Well, it's assbandit.com. That used to really happen with emails. People didn't have emails and professional emails and all that stuff, so they'd be like, well, what is... So what is your email? It's like

sluttyflirt69 at AOL.com. And that was just, that was the only email they had. They had to give that up. Be on resumes. Your email is benstillerfaggot69. Well, I made it before I met you. You guys seen that? By the way, if I could, if I have contributed anything to this show and the canon of PKA, it will be that the website will be AskBandit.com forever after.

We should. We'll scoop that up. There's a celebrity. Look at that. She's already looking at domain information for buying AskBandit. That's amazing. Registered in 99. See, yeah, it would have beened in 99. See, yeah.

Would have been different in 97. Oh, contact Joe Farber. We have to find Joe Farber. That's your friend. That's your buddy. You don't remember Joe Farber from college? You lived down the hall. You guys were friendly. Celebrity armpits is a

kink that people are into. There's a subreddit for it. Alright. What the fuck is wrong with us You ever lick a girl's armpit get the only oh, it's the word. Oh, yeah, I don't lick armpits I'll lick an armpit just like I like making girls are comfortable so like sometimes I'll go like go right in and get the freak them the fuck out That's always fun. But strong enough for a man, but made

for a woman, they mean it. You can't taste shit for a day and a half. Chiz, can you enter this into evidence for the future charges? And then he licked my armpit. And it's going to be your voice all garbled and it's like, sometimes I just like freaking him out, you know.

Kyle's mischievousness didn't end there. You know, whatever the next thing is. I give him a honey ear. That's when I wait till they fall asleep and just drizzle honey into their ear canal. Oh, jeez. What else do you do? I do back breakers, skull crushers. I love it.

Is that me? Oh, it is me. I'm sorry. I was auto-playing a video. My mistake. A page has been up for like two hours now as a potential topic in case we hit a stall point. And it just auto-played a video. What the fuck? It's not... What page? It's a stall point, and it just autoplayed a video. What the fuck?

What page? It's a CNBC page, actually. It's about Bitcoin dropping. I both caught CNBC now. Anywhere with autoplay videos, I don't go, which means I'm very soon going to be relegated to a small corner of the internet. Yeah, so Bitcoin's dropped.

It says 8%, but I think in general, it's dropped from like 4 600 to 3 500 what is 3 400 according to this coin desk and uh yeah that's like wait that's a huge drop yeah 46 to 34. yeah that's a really big drop and uh we had a guest on a couple weeks ago saying that he had done really well in it so hopefully he got out when it was high who the heck knows i have no idea i like i i was thinking about this i had this conversation in my head like oh you know what do i say about bitcoin investing you know is now the time should we strike while the iron's hot because it just dropped by a third or is it going to keep dropping i mean these guys from lehman and stearns or something wherever whoever it was, just said, like, this is worse than tulips.

People are dumping thousands of dollars into this for literally fake nothing. Well, I mean, I think that's why it went. That's why it dropped, though, because all the because Jamie Dimon came out and was like, this is fucking stupid. And then all these people were like, yeah, I guess so. And they started selling it. Or they were afraid that it was going to drop because he said that. And then that's self-perpetuating. Okay.

I might have my history wrong. I thought it was dropping and then he sort of piled on. But I could be off on that. I'm not really sure. But here is my actual investing advice. And this is stolen from Warren Buffett. Invest in things you understand. Like Warren Buffett, perhaps the best investor of our age, of any age maybe.

I don't know. But he famously went decades without buying anything that was tech related because he's like, I don't get it. I can't tell you if Intel is going to continue its domination. He doesn't know. He's not a tech guy. But I understand sugar water. I'm going to buy Coca-Cola. That was Warren Buffett's thing.

That's how I feel with Bitcoin. I don't own any Bitcoin. Obviously, I missed an opportunity there. As to whether or not today is the right day to get in no it's not you want to wait for world war three which is just around the corner folks the dollar is going to be weak we're going to be looking for a new currency we're look we're going to war with north korea and it's gonna be fucking nasty like i don't see any way to avoid it we got donald trump as our president we got got Kim Jong-un running that place. He's barreling toward a hydrogen bomb on a fucking

intercontinental ballistic missile. That's a big deal. It's going to trigger an awful catastrophe. That's coming. Wait for that and you're going to be good to go. By the way, Jamie Dimon said that when it was at about 4,200. So it was already down 400 uh not really i mean no

yeah but it had been going down it had been going up and down a bunch and then after he said that in two days it dropped to 3200 okay yeah so my advice on bitcoin is if you get it and you think it's smart then do it like it get it as in like if you get it and you think it's smart, then do it. Like get it as in like if you understand it. If you don't understand it, that's how dumb people invest. But also, I had a situation where like someone owed me 600 bucks and they were like, I don't have it, but I have it in Bitcoin. And I was like, fine, just fucking give it to me in Bitcoin and then I'll just exchange it. and i was like fine just fucking give it to me a bitcoin and then i'll just exchange it and so he did but because of the way bitcoin works sometimes your exchanges your number your fucking account number changes without you knowing okay and so like it depends on what

exchange you use and so like i had him send it to me at this one where they had changed all the account numbers and so someone else just got my 600 bucks and i reached out to the account like you can do with cash with a bank you can go hey that wire transfer went to the wrong place can you reverse it and they'll go oh absolutely and because i wasn't saying give it to me i was saying give it back to the person who sent it yeah and instead the bitcoin place was like doesn't! Doesn't work that way. It's gone. Yeah. That seems like a not good way to run a financial system, or a currency, rather.

Unless you think that's an advantage. Unless you think being untraceable and untrackable and irreversible is what you're looking for in a currency. Is it untrackable? Well, I've heard CIA stuff, but that's one of its Well, I've heard CIA stuff, but that's one of its features, I'm told.

Yeah, you could have anonymous accounts. I do agree with you, the idea of like, hey, I don't know this well enough, so I'm just not going to do it. Yeah, whenever I'm purchasing something over on assbandit.com, I only use cryptocurrency. You don't want anybody knowing about that. Definitely crypto. Yeah, yeah, that's important. Any Japanese? You don't want anybody knowing about that. Definitely crypto.

Yeah. Any Japanese? You don't want to bandit the asses. Yeah, you don't want to bandit the asses publicly. So, it's important. Choose to write anything interesting here. No. He wrote like a page.

These guys are part of the ether and partner association the second biggest cryptocurrency lol china just china plus jpceo equals drop bitcoin pile on while low write it back up this is what the venezuelans have done with their hyperinflation it's going oh good let's take advice from venezuela on economics they're doing great they're not eating dogs in the street right now she is well no but i think what he's saying is the leaders are doing it yeah the the people in venezuela who can afford bitcoin or are all bitty bitty bitcoining so he has some some he says the people who are knocking it have a motive and there are people who seem to be in the know who think bitcoin's going back up i don't know I don't know this is the I have this is like the scene from always sunny in Philadelphia when they say the burn the

trash and it makes stars like what Jesus is really I don't really know if you would be saying is right or not but I do know that like I can break even on this stuff and sound right but I'm ready for some good shows to come back on. There's nothing to fucking watch right now. South Park just came on last night. Did it? Yeah. Are you shitting me?

Yeah. Okay, I got to get on board with that. Man, I love South Park. Last season was a down season, but it's completely excusable because they thought – here's what they thought. They thought, of course, like everyone did, that Hillary Clinton was going to win. And their whole season was to be based on Bill Clinton as the first husband. They had all this whole storyline about Bill Clinton as the first husband and the shenanigans he'd get into. Is this fact or theory? Come on, why would I make this up?

And all of a sudden Donald Trump wins. I still don't know. Yes, it's fact. And then Donald Trump wins. it's fact you can start googling if you want i'm asking i just wanted you to know not it could have said oh no i have a source on i don't know and the dumb trump wins and they've got to go down they've got to like make it up as they go along with very little time and it really careened the the season into not so great land but but i've got high hopes for this season. I think it's going to be good.

I hope it's good. I really want it to be a Randy heavy season. Because Randy's become my favorite character in South Park over the past few years just because he's, I don't know, he's always the one doing the silly, ridiculous

old school South Park shenanigans stuff you know where I don't know I just I like it I like seeing Randy getting into things like when he gets so into cooking because it's such a juxtaposition from his character of like a borderline alcoholic idiot geologist and then he also just loves cream fraiche and cold you know it's called the flight and it's classy and he just knocks a bunch of beers into wine and then she cusses it all down but this one uh this isn't giving anything away because it's fucking south

park but the thing he's into this time is flipping houses like on hgtb and so of course you know you get like those funny lines of like uh randy saying things about home construction and stuff that you would only know if it was they were like super super into it And of course he does so I don't know I have I have higher hopes for this season than last season because you're right last season went off the fucking rails like by the End it was like what what's happening, and you feel a little bit bad for him because it's like well Not really though because they shouldn't have planned out after the election I mean actually that's just the risk you take when you make your show

week to week. It was about so many different things. There was the member berries, and then there was the hidden advertisements, and then there was Hillary Clinton's coming in, and it just had no focus. And they had also made a season that was supposed to be one big arc, and that's something that they're not doing

this year. You're going to have a lot more one-off episodes that focus on individual things, as it was in Seasons Past. And I think that's a better formula for that show. The season before that was a big arc. And now that you say it, maybe that's why I didn't like it either. It was the one with the PC guy. And they kind of went all season.

Yeah. I didn't enjoy that. And I think, in hindsight, it was because of the big arc. The thing that South Park was always good at and I like serial arc yeah they always the thing that south park was always good at and i like serialized content but the thing that south park was always good at because in their universe it's supposed to be like and then you find out that they were monsters the whole time you know like there's a lot of that stuff yeah and you know and it's i like them taking shots serialized i like them taking shots I like them taking shots weekly at whoever stepped out of line

maybe that's your old alumni friend Martin Scorrelli or Martin Skrillex I didn't talk about this but I went to high school with Martin Scorrelli and he was a

piece of shit wiener back then. Look, I sucked in high school. I was not exactly, you know, I say not exactly. I was not remotely cool by any stretch of the imagination. But, like, I look back at what he was like. And I didn't know him well. But he was three years younger than me, I think. But two or three.

But I look back at what I remember of him, and I look at what's going on now, and I go, yeah. Like, there's not even a, like, I can see that. There's a, oh, absolutely. That is what that person becomes. You know, you add in a couple of years, you know, of not feeling important despite making a lot of money and that's how a supervillain gets made.

Is there anything that jumps out at you that you remember from high school that might have been a clue in retrospect? When he started selling sandwiches for 600% more when the kitchen ran out of food. I wish I had that story. I just remember him being,

I remember him being a wiener that didn't fit in. And like, I was also a wiener that didn't fit in. But what you do is you find what you're good at. And then you do that thing. You know, there are plenty of us that were bullied. There are plenty of us that were outcasts. But what you do is you become an adult.

He is just the older version of what he was. That's it. I'll show you. I'll be the only one with Wu-Tang's album. He's just a little shit. Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothing to fuck with. Ain't that right?

That was one of my favorite Chappelle Show bits when they was like the Wu-Tang Clan investment firm. And you had all those old people like, Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothing to fuck with. All those 60, 70 year old men and women. Man, Chappelle Show was fucking hilarious.

I love his specials that he put on Netflix. And is Chris Rock's special out yet on Netflix? I know that Netflix purchased like a couple. Netflix paid for like two hours from Chappelle. And I'm guessing maybe they're getting two hours from Chris Rock. And I think that they've got the thing with Jerry Seinfeld that's coming out it's like jerry before jerry or something to that nature is that stand-up or is that like jerry sitting in a chair remarking on his past with clips interspliced i i don't know

but i'm not interested either way because i never thought jerry seinfeld's stand-up was at that top tier of fucking funny. His show is what was incredible. I don't know. I'm telling you, for the last time, it was a great fucking special. That was some very, very fun stuff. And I also love, he had some simple, he had such simple stuff, like the idea of when a bird flies into a mirror,

wouldn't it, because it thinks it's another room, but wouldn't it at least try to avoid the other bird? I think so. Fucking brilliant. I've told this before. I used to work at Cisco, and every year they'd have these annual meetings that employees would go to. And we'd get really excited because they're usually big guests, and they really teased Jerry. We didn't know who it was going to be. But they're like, this one's a big one you don't want to miss this meeting this one like it's not mandatory but you should come to this meeting just for the big guest turned out to be jerry seinfeld and he didn't really tell lots of funny

jokes or anything you could tell it was like i'm only here because they gave me a basket full of cash and you know i'm willing to give up 30 minutes for that. But what was great is he was wildly disrespectful to our CEO. CEOs in a big company are treated like superheroes. People like the whole offices are cleaning their desks when they hear he's coming around. Everyone just – you practically want to throw rose petals under his feet,

and they go so bonkers over it he gave jerry seinfeld one of those flip cameras because cisco had just bought them and uh he's like oh yeah thanks and like he didn't like it he wasn't interested in it he handed it to somebody else like in front of everyone like here you're gonna have it and uh yeah like imagine like i wouldn't do that like to my aunt at christmas but he did it to our ceo on a stage and it was i don't know it was brilliant we all fucking loved it like no one talks to john chambers like that but jerry did he didn't give a fuck when you when you, the idea of someone who has nothing to lose is phenomenal. Yeah.

Like, you, I mean, well, I'd say nothing to lose. He has everything, and that's why he doesn't care if he loses something. I guess that's what I mean. He just didn't respect his authority, right? Like, I get that. I remember every now and then when I took my kid to, like, elementary school, they'd get mad at me because if it was rainy, the carpool line would be so

long. I'm like, fuck it. I'll just go where the buses go and drop you out. This teacher is reprimanding me like she has any authority over me. I'm fucking 38 at this point. She's like, you can't park here. I was like, well,

clearly I can. It's working great where's your tow truck bitch yeah yeah you know it's time for me to go now and she's like you can't be doing this and it's like i don't know the line over there was super long so it's really in my best interest and that line's best interest that i'm not in it and that that was my line of thinking i'm gonna head off now and i did and there was nothing she could do in middle school my uh my cousin went to the same middle school because as i did because we're in the same county and everything but that didn't last long because uh gator got into a a fight at school or something like that and in his defense it was one of those fights where like someone else a fight with him, and he finished the fight. But, of course, both kids get the same punishment, which, to a parent's eyes, is the greatest injustice ever. He's like, my son did exactly what I teach him to do on a daily basis.

This is what I told him to do going in here. And he got into this big argument with the principal. And my uncle is like, how about I whip your ass? How about I whip your ass? will we both get the same punishment maybe i'll just start a fight with you won't we both be equally culpable of course he didn't use culpable because we're from down here maybe i'll just start a little fight with you right now whip your ass and we'll both get in the same amount of trouble right maybe i just will and he's whoa hang on a minute he's like backing out and it was a big show because he didn't do it in like a private chamber or something he did it in

like a under the breeze way while everybody's leaving school and everybody saw this go down so the end result was gator ended up going to another county to finish up his education i just love i just love that the only takeaway i have from that story is that his name is Gator. Well, his real name's Scott. But it doesn't matter. His nickname is Gator. His name is Gator. I didn't go to school.

I went to school with a fucking supervillain who didn't name himself Gator. I named him Gator at one point because I was watching that Will Ferrell movie, The Other Guys. And Will Ferrell's past was that he was a pimp named Gator. And my cousin always had so many, like, girlfriends that it was like we compared him to that guy. There was this one point where, like, he was like, I'm thinking about getting all my bitches to, like, get my name tattooed on their left titty. Like, then I could have, like, the cult of Gator. And then everybody would know whose Gator's bitches are.

And I was like, this is pretty crazy, Scott. He's got to buy into this anyway. He's like, oh no, no. I got two bitches already said they do it. Oh my God. Those are not the women who are going to birth your children.

That's why he's got so many. Gator's bitches better be wearing jimmies. If you've got a bunch, then the quality doesn't have to birth your children. That's why he's got a bunch of gator's bitches better be wearing jimmies. If you've got a bunch, then the quality doesn't have to be that high. I am really glad to not be from where you're from. You're missing out on so much material. Fair point.

That's what I come here for, Kyle. You could be on that, what is it, the Redneck Comedy Tour? A different Steve in a different universe. Oh my god, yeah. I'd still be wearing a vest. It would just be the only thing I was wearing. It'd be a denim vest.

Yeah, just a denim vest with no shirt on underneath. Just a high-end wife beater. You said that, and I'm like, why doesn't he wear pants? Yeah. All right, that's probably a show. Oh, one last thing. So on the subreddit, someone made a thread,

because I named last week's episode a top 10%, and it turns out that I'm backlogged on calling them top 10% by 28 episodes. I could call 28 episodes in a row a top 10%-er, and then I would have three more to go because that's about 10% of 28. So there's no right to complain in your eyes. No, I'm thinking about doing it. I'm thinking about for the next

28 weeks in a row calling them all top 10%. That would be funny to me. Steve, tell them where your stuff is. You can check me out on my YouTube. It's youtube.com slash thehofstetter. I also have a gaming channel at

just slash stevehofstetter where I do a gaming channel at Steve Hofstetter where I do a gaming series where I narrate Grand Theft Auto as if Franklin is hosting a public access show where he teaches people how to drive. I like that. I've been watching a lot of your Heckler stuff.

I really enjoy it. I went down the old YouTube rabbit hole and i wasn't i honestly wasn't specifically looking for you i was looking at for like i typed in like hecklers getting owned and of course you're the man as far as that that goes i saw some i saw carlin coped out of his mind like going after some guy in the crowd that you don't even see he's like i hope you get raped in the fucking ass you blowjob piece and just blowing up on some guy uh i saw a bunch of them and then of course

you get to your shit and and your stuff is great because you sort of like cut into the footage you're like and at this point i would say let's let him have it and so i really enjoyed it yeah thank you well people want to see more of that check out my youtube or you just put my name any social media and uh for people watching this, wherever you're watching from, I have a tour that's going to over 150 cities next year. So if you want to get tickets, go to stevehoffstetter.com. You can buy tickets for your city now, and I'll see you there. And if I'm not coming to your city, it's because you live in a stupid place.

I wonder if I live in a stupid place. We'll see. That's awesome. Check out all of Steve's stuff. And Kyle, do you have anything to... You can check out our sponsors down below, of course. There's Smart Mouth Squarespace and DraftKings.

You might want to sign up for DraftKings right away. Use our code and everything. Promo code PAINKILLER because we are all going to be competing very soon. I'd like you guys to get on board with it. It'd be fun if there were lots of us. Very cool. PKA352.