Painkiller Already - Painkiller Already #369

Episode Date: January 18, 2018

This week on PKA, comedian Steve Hofstetter is back and he's promoting his book! Steve also recounts everyone with his story at the Murder Hotel and we find out that apparently, Taylor doesn't know how chickens reproduce...

already episode 369 it even started faster maybe with our guest steve hofstetter kyle yeah three sponsors tonight we got casper mattresses stitch fix and a brand new one mission u we'll be hearing more about each of them later on in the show but yes we have our good friend steve with us tonight yes let's get right into it this is one of the rare although all too common instances where something fucks up and you know we only went for like 20 25 minutes or something and we had to 17 17 minutes and so do you guys now want to go through all the same stuff we just did and say the same jokes and we'll 17 minutes of of pure gold no we cured woody we cured cancer and you lost it. If that was gold, then the platinum was how exasperated and angry Woody got.

No, that's exactly what I was referring to. That was what the gold was. Woody's computer threw a rod and he's just like, the video won't fucking play and it's stuttering and it's just not my fault. He's lost his fucking mind there for a minute. I think the reason we thought it was a half hour was because it was 13 minutes of Woody exploding. Well, it was 11 minutes of Woody exploding and then two minutes of him cleaning up the busted vein. Dude, he went full Mel Gibson.

There was only three minutes of Kyle ranking races by value. That was a bit we're never going to hear again. Well, we're going to circle back to that. We did lose a great deal of that. When he went full Mel Gibson, he started blaming the Jews. It was outrageous. You were supposed to blow me before the jacuzzi.

I was like, I was right here, and I did nothing. That Mel Gibson quote in those tapes, which if anybody listening, if you haven't listened to the Mel Gibson tapes, you are doing yourself a disservice. They are hilarious. But he comes off as insane throughout all of it, but when

he says, like, that you were supposed to blow me before the jacuzzi, I immediately gave him plus 50%, where I'm like, God, that is aggravating, right? There's nothing more frustrating than a promised blowjob never coming to fruition. You know?

Well, unless he was just worried about the order of events. You know, just the idea where he was like, hey, you gonna blow me before the jacuzzi? And she's like, sure. And then they went in the jacuzzi, and she's like, can I blow you now? And he's like, no! I said before! So this idea of blowing before or after the jacuzzi, I'm mixed on it. Because I've thought about

the whole massage with the happy ending thing. I might prefer a happy beginning, right? I just see that getting me into the mood for full relaxation, right? Like, this happy beginning and then lay down and enjoy the massage. That sounds better

to me. And she's got massage oil now. Yeah, that's a strong point. Why don't they just bookend it so you get a happy beginning and a happy ending? Is it the ending of the massage, or is it saying the happy ending to you?

And then like... No, it's when Woody's talking about being masturbated by the masseuse. No, no, I know, but I'm saying when they say the words happy ending, are they referring to the end of the massage? Like, it's literally the end of everything? Or are they saying, you have an orgasm, that's your happy ending, and then it could be different in various places in the massage. I think those masseuses who are into giving happy endings, they probably prefer it at the end, right? Or is it, and now I've never done this, but is it like massage with happy ending or is it happy ending instead of massage?

No, you definitely would get the massage too because you pay for like an hour of a massage. Okay, so it's like a combination platter. So I'm not well-versed on this, but my understanding is that masseuses who give happy endings are barely masseuses. That really you're just going in there to get jerked off. And that the massage is kind of crappy. Like you might get from an

unenthusiastic wife just saying. You don't think someone just being like ehhh is also good at releasing tension medically? Right. That's what I'm getting at. You're like, get the fuck out of this place. Do you like that?

Yeah. Licensed doctor. I don't know if you guys have ever gotten pressure points. Yeah, they probably didn't. They probably skipped a couple lessons and now they're using that secret trick to get ahead in the biz very competitive biz massaging but uh have you guys ever had a traditional massage yeah like a chef who's

only good at baking like they can't like they can't actually make you dinner but they're very very good at dessert like a baker yeah like a baker like a baker. I'm glad you said that. Like, uh, you know, someone that bakes. What's the word for that? But that's what I mean. It's a baker in the wrong profession, is what I'm saying. Yeah. Like, it's someone who's good at handjobs who's

incorrectly billed as a masseuse. That's what I mean. Well, it's hard to get billed as a whore. I mean, I guess it depends on where or what you've posted online. I guarantee it does. Yes, it absolutely does. I have gotten a traditional massage,

to answer your question, Taylor. I loved it. I went to this place that was like a spa retreat thing where you stayed in a nice room there. There's a nice restaurant downstairs. And you paid one flat rate and then there was a massage and then a sauna and it was incredibly

relaxing and a very attractive very tall blonde lady with short hair. She kind of looked like Lieutenant Yara from Star Trek The Next Generation. The security officer that they killed off in season two then replaced with Worf. Kind of looked like her and she had very strong wings.

Wait, wait, wait. Don't skip over that. I just love the idea that you're like, yeah, this really hot blonde, but forget all that. Remember Star Trek when they killed her off? Yeah. This is way more important. The blonde Star Trek. The black goose did get her.

The black goose did get her. Good call. But Kyle, what they do, right, is you go in, you strip down naked, and then you get under the black goons did get her good call yeah but kyle what they what they do right is you go in you strip down naked and then you get under the sheet there yeah and then they start massaging you oh yeah right so and did you did you know the rules the first time you went in like did you know to get all the way naked and everything i asked i was like you know how far do i strip down you know what's the procedure here i didn't want to i't want to, I didn't feel like it was awkward to ask, but I felt like- Yeah, you're like, and why didn't they bring you back for season three? I mean, you had a-

No, it was clear. She had the personality of a, just a wet towel. She was terrible. massage ever and i went in and the lady was like ushering me she's an asian lady and she didn't speak english very much she was older and she uh opened it up like opened the door and like put me in there and i was just standing there in like a very relaxing room so she all right well i guess she looked like wharf season six yes i don't watch star trek but sure whoever that is it looked exactly like war yeah uh and i went in i stripped down to my my boxers and i was like all right let's let's not overplay our hand or like act like we know what's going on i'm gonna leave these on and so i get under the sheet with my boxes on and she starts like doing the massage on the back and the legs and everything and then like

she didn't say like can you take your underwear off she like gave the bottom part of my box so these are like athletic boxer briefs like the tighter kind like compression shorts like all she did was like give a tug on them like just gave like a tug like uh take off and i was no no she didn't like a little like a little tug she just gave a tug on the underwear and just like, take off. And I was like, oh, okay, I guess this is what I'm doing here. And so then I swung my legs off to get off of the massage table to take my underwear off because I'm not going to stick my ass up and be taking them off like that.

Presenting yourself. Yeah, presenting myself. She politely looks away, and I get naked back under the sheet. And the face-down part of the massage is fantastic it was great I was so relaxed I almost fell asleep at like three different points and I was like don't you fucking fall asleep this costs money

you've been cognizant and you've enjoyed this like enjoy the relaxation and who knows what she's gonna do to you if you fall asleep like in pretentious yeah she could stab me or whatever yeah molest me she's not gonna jerk you all face down the flipping over onto your back. Oh, she's not just going to be like, there's a hole in the table. No, but when I flipped over onto my back, all it is is this little sheet covering your genitals.

And it's not a very good covering. You can see exactly what's under there. And you cannot, I swear to God, you cannot help but get an erection during this. And so, like, I didn't know how normal it was because I don't know enough about massages. And so I was sitting there, I'm like, oh, no. So the entire on my back part was like, don't get me. Can we go back for a moment? Because I don't want you to gloss over this.

Can we just go back for a moment where the part you're talking about, when an old Asian lady is touching you, you can't help but get an erection? Well, it's not like you're, like, eyes open, like, staring this chick down. Like, you're on your back, and it's just so relaxing. So in your mind, in your mind, she is no longer an old lady. It's not even that I'm an old lady. It's not that I want to fuck her. In your mind, everyone loses control of their junk and gets an erection. I don't think that's the case.

What it is... I've had a couple of massages, and I was not hard during my fall. Let me bolster this with a little bit of facts. I was laying on my back, and of course you take a peek down and you're just totally pitching a tent with this little fucking sheet there say I

I look down and I see my erection there's no I in boner there's no I in boner there's not a me either and so that was uncomfortable but like i i think that it was kind of exactly like that kyle like exactly you know there's a one in yeah and like so that ruined the back part and i was like thinking the whole time like god is this weird like is this really unusual like am i like why it was uncomfortable for me and then of course like

you know a couple minutes go by and the situation ends uh and i was talking to a friend of mine who's a massage therapist a licensed massage therapist and we were talking just this is like a week ago and i was like hey so i i gotta ask you is it really really common for guys to get erections during massages and she's like oh yeah pretty much 100 like i talked to my massage therapist pretty much all guys get an erection at some point during the massage i am the one percent you are the one percent and that made me feel a lot better i also though i've had so i've had a couple of massages i don't like them like i it was one of those things where like i had one i didn't like it and then i had and so it was so then was dating a girl, and we went to this spa thing.

We were in Tahoe, and she was like, oh, let's get massages. I'm like, I don't really like massages. She's like, maybe you just had a bad one. I was like, all right, I'll try it again. And we went to this higher-end place, and I was like, no, still shitty. I don't like it.

I find it uncomfortable. Is it the human contact? Yeah, yeah. Being that close to another sentient being. If it were a robot rubbing you, you'd probably be okay with that. Oh, and I'd have a huge erection if it was a robot rubbing me. I did some research on massage erections while we were talking. By the way, it was a visited link on your computer, but go ahead.

Why is this purple? Apparently, it happens. Wait, did you mean the link was purple or his erection was purple? 11 out of the 12 massage therapists said that if the client is displaying appropriate behavior, they ignore the erection.

One therapist said she had a zero tolerance policy for hard-ons um you can't control it though it's not like you're thinking man it would be fun to get an erection while getting this massage one because i said that fear of an erection fear of getting one is a powerful determinant another guy said that he thinks about his retirement planning to make it go away has you tried tried that, Taylor? I actually... That actually would make me hard, though. Yeah. See, that's the thing.

Oh, my Raphael Reyes maturing son. It's tax deferred. It is, it is. Damn it, this isn't working. New tax breaks for corporations I'm incorporated

I didn't play an active role in my business see to your point Woody I bet there is a big difference to those 11 out of 12 masseuses or whatever fucking survey this is on whatever google you did this is uh it makes there is a difference direction.com uh dot biz yeah that is it's uh because there's

definitely a huge difference between getting a boner and laying there being like oh god i wish this would go away and what i guarantee some guys do which is get a boner, and they're, like, writhing all over the place, like, trying to, like, cue some sort of, like... Pointing at Edder, slight hump. Yeah. Oh, I'm really tense. I'm really stiff right here. And they're like, hey, I left my clothes over there. And they just, like, point with their...

Yeah, right over here past my shoulder. My wife and I went for massages. It was her idea and i was like you know i'd be really more comfortable like if i got massaged by a woman like it'd be awkward for me as some dude would rub me down and i was like i'd be really more comfortable if you also got massaged by a woman i'd be really comfortable some dude was rubbing you down double standard but she agreed to it yeah i actually uh yeah i i think like i i've had i'm trying to think i like all of the ones i've had has been a woman not a particularly attractive woman i think maybe

maybe i'd be interested in that because then there's an attractive woman touching me which is which would be a nice feeling by the way all the reddit comments right now are like and a new feeling i'm just getting that out of the way uh but no like i think maybe i'd maybe i'd be interested in that but i've just not even even when it's something like you know if you're like hooking up with someone and they're doing the whole like flirty massage thing and i know it's amateur they don't know what they're doing even that i'm just like i'll give you a massage but get your fucking hands off me like i'm just not into that that's not i did a massage once on a disney cruise and basically you're supposed to fuck in the middle of it wait what

yeah so it was a it's billed as like an erotic cup and we vlogged the whole thing almost the whole thing but it's billed as an erotic couples massage you go there they massage you and your wife and then they leave and they're like yeah we'll be back in like 45 minutes so now you've got this room you're like what are we gonna do for the other 41 there's a jacuzzi there and there's a bed that's kind of like a porch swing that just like swings and uh we hung out of the jacuzzi for a bit then made our way to the bed did our thing and then like they come back around. Their timing was good. Look at their cameras

here. Is there going to be something on Pornhub with Jackie and I? This is Disney, by the way. I know! On the cruise ship! These are the people who aren't okay with bikinis. Right.

15 minutes after that masseuse walked out of you guys fucking... She was in a with, like, bikinis. Right. 15 minutes after that masseuse walked out of you guys fucking, you know, she was in a costume being like, woohoo, boys and girls! Like, that kind of shit. Like, you know, it's like, you were just watching somebody get a boner under a sheet, and now you know they're fucking

right in that other room. I also love that, I mean, cruise ships are big, but they're not big enough that everything is completely far apart from each other. So, like, it very well may be that on the other side of the wall of your, like, your, like, porn swing, there was, like, a children's swing. Yeah, like, almost for sure. The whole thing has got children's stuff everywhere. And there's a porch.

By the way, we're not indoors for this. We're like on a balcony with a swing and a jacuzzi. And there's like these solid steel walls. But all you have to do is look around and you can see like whatever's next to you. I don't know the next horn. You're also fucking on something that a million people have fucked on. Like this is something that it's like i i used to do um i used to do shows at the caesars resorts in the poconos like those ones that have like the champagne glass hot tub thing yeah and it was one of the i mean like the line that always got the

most laughs was i would always start off by going you know you know hey give it up for the wait staff and be like and also for the unsung heroes of the Caesars Resorts, the maids, because whatever fucked up shit you guys have been doing in your room for the last week, everyone else is also doing that in their room. Like, you have, you are fucking in the ghosts of sex past.

Like, it's disgusting. It's the same thing with hotels, just don't think about it. Oh yeah, so the last hotel I stayed in, you guys, we I used to travel in black, and I don't think... It's the same thing with hotels. Just don't think about it. Oh, yeah. So the last hotel I stayed in, you guys, we did a little riff on it and how what a mess it was. I pulled back the comforter, and there's, like, stains there, like fist-sized stains. But that's not the kind of thing that bothers me.

It's like, ha-ha. Fist-shaped stains. You think that's a stain? I could beat that. I'm here for 10 days. I've never gone to a hotel, pulled back the blankets, and seen a bunch of fist-sized stains, as you put it, and been like, this is fine. This is an okay place to sleep. No, I'd be like, excuse me, front desk, this is revolting.

I'm sorry, but this is unacceptable. There are fist-sized and shaped stains all over my bed. And they're like, wait, wait, wait, whoa. How big of a fist? Like a tall person or like a small person? We have less than three stains and you're not getting any better policy. Like a little fist or like the Infinity Gauntlet?

No, like it's a normal man-sized fist. And you see like clearly stains where the wet spot has been over and over, like an eroding thing. Dude, I stayed... If you looked at that scene with a microscope,

there's a whole civilization living in there. It's like that Simpsons episode with Lisa's tooth. And they're all little fists. They're all mutant fists. I did a show at University of Arizonazona and the the hotel that i was that i got put up at like i get to the room and this toilet had been stopped

up by the people before me i guess like there was other people's shit in the toilet so like i immediately went back downstairs and i was like hey hey can I get a different room and they're like why I was like Well cuz there's there's someone else used the toilet before me and like didn't flush And it's just been sitting there and the guy goes. Oh is uh is that bad? Yeah, yeah, it's fucking terrible. Is this what time do you get off work, sir? Oh in eight hours give me the keys to your house. I'm gonna go drop a shit in your bathroom. And then in eight hours, you can go and see how it's

festered. I disagree with the word quality and the quality in here. Alright? Well, in my class, there's a La Quinta down the road. Yeah. I actually measure the success of my career by the type of hotels that I've stayed at. Woody does not.

Woody does not. It's like the first year I was on the road, I just slept in the car and on couches and wherever the fuck I could find a place to sleep. And we used to... Oh my god, we had this whole scam going that we would do a show anywhere we could. Anywhere we could get up in front of a crowd.

And then after the show, because people come and talk to you afterward and after oh yeah where are you guys staying oh you know i got a friend from college who lives right around here and i would always refer to i would always say ah but she's kind of flaky but you know i'll hear from her soon and the reason i say she is because you become more trustworthy if like a a woman is letting you stay with her. And then eventually, like, oh, she hasn't called me back. Oh, do you want to crash with us? Oh, yeah, that'd be great. And then they make you breakfast in the morning and you leave.

And that was basically my first year on the road. Wow. That's a good strategy. Yeah, I still sleep in my truck. Hey, Woody, think of, you use this next time you go off with your pair of friends. You use this little thing and you can get a, just stay with them save that 38 how much are you making that you're not willing to that you're not willing to drop a hundred bucks woody is a multi-millionaire who who scoffs at spending more than 60 a night he stays in a motel room where there is literally the, he literally wishes he was armed.

They're so scary sometimes. You can, and it's one of those, it's not a hotel, it's a motel because you don't walk into a hallway down to an elevator and then go to a lobby and out to your car. You have protecting you a particle board door that is

about as sturdy as those Japanese folding paper walls. Anyone who wants to murder you at 3am, there's a reason murderers hang out there according to films. I actually had a murder at a hotel once. Really? Yeah, it's a bit of a long story, but can I tell the whole story?

Oh, if only we had four hours. Yeah, if only we had four hours. Okay, so I'm coming back to my hotel room. It's like, uh, this is in upstate New York. And I'm coming back to my hotel, it's like 1.30 in the morning. And there are, there are 52 police cars surrounding the hotel. That sounds like an estimate, but oddly specific. I'll tell you exactly why I figured it out. Well, first of all, there wasn't a moment in my head where I was like, this gonna work out great you know like i bet i bet the police are just having a party you know yeah ain't no party like the police party police party don't stop uh well because you can't call the police but anyway so uh i the reason i knew it was 52 police cars because they wouldn't let us in

and so i'm just standing outside the hotel the whole time and like just counting the police cars because what the fuck else am I gonna do and they come out the cops come out and well first of all the reporters told me what happened like which is also a sign like if there are ever reporters at your hotel

like they're never giving an award you know what I mean there's never there's never like the chamber of commerce is there but anyway so the hotels i stay at when someone's murdered it's not news the reporters don't even show up so uh yeah they told me somebody been shot and killed in the room below mine. And they were still looking for the guy. Yeah. Good.

Yeah. Not the one who was murdered. They knew where he was. But the other guy. The murderer got away. But anyway. So they come out and they're like, you can go back in now. And I was like, no, thank you. Why?

Well, why? Because I don't want to open up my door and see some guy on my bed being like, I don't want that shit. You know, think about it, if he got away, statistically, the safest hotel in that area is the one he just escaped from, right? That's a good point. Criminals never return to the scene of the crime. We just know they don't know who he was.

It's not like, oh, we know exactly who the murderer is. Like they're just looking for rooms being like, did you murder anybody? No. He's in a fucking linen closet waiting to strangle someone with a shower cap. He's just sitting in, you know, like, in one of those housekeeping bins, like, where they throw, where they put all the

dirty sheets. He's just under there. So, uh, no, I got, what I did is, uh, so the cops were like, well, why don't you go in just like you guys were and i tried to explain because i'm a wuss uh and i was like well i'll go in if you come with me like we'll go in together you know you a little bit first like you you have a look see i'll be right behind you you know i'll my stuff, I'll get the fuck out. And so I grab my stuff, like he went in with

me, he looked around the room, which by the way, they hadn't done yet, which I was like, oh, so all clear, huh? But you haven't checked the room? So I grabbed all my stuff, I got the fuck out of the hotel, and here's where it gets nuts. So I drove as fast

as I could away from that hotel. I was like, fuck this place. I'm leaving. I'm not going to be able to get a good night's sleep here. And so I go to leave and I only get 10 miles away before another cop stopped me

on suspicion of DUI. Well, driving drunk and fleeing from a murder look a little bit the same. You know, it's like speeding. They're both a little frantic. Yeah, absolutely. I get why he pulled me over. But he was a dick, because he came

over, and he did one of those, like, you ever get, like, the really cocky cop? Who just, like, yeah, who knows? He comes over, and he just goes, and how was your night going? You know, like, one of those. And he was not prepared for my response. Because I told him him i was like well

you know it's been kind of a bad night someone got murdered at my hotel and he like didn't know how to deviate from the script you know what i mean like he was just trying to like oh well the reason i i pulled you over uh you were speeding and you're driving erratically i'm like yeah as i explained earlier someone was murdered at my hotel so i'm feeling a little erratic and uh and like he just kept like trying to stick like he like all of his questions were prepared like he was just like where are you going to in such a hurry like he gave me that shit and i was like away from murder yeah away from murder it's pretty obvious while you're here could you check my trunk i heard a thump back there and i'm a little worried that he's hiding in the trunk i'm like yeah hey how

come you're not at the hotel like what the fuck you doing out here and he just kept he just kept like the dumbest question was he goes goes, what direction are you headed in? And I was like, the one we're facing. Like, we're on the interstate. I'm going west. What the fuck are you talking about? And so are you, in case you're confused. And then he was like, well, why are you going west?

And I'm like, because we're in upstate New York, and that's where everything else is. Like, I'm not. It's 2 in the morning. Vermont's closed. Like, where the fuck do it's two in the morning. Vermont's closed. Like where the fuck do you want me to go? You know, Buffalo.

Like, that's the only, like, that's the first place I know I'll find a hotel. And he gives me, he goes, you don't know where you're going to sleep tonight. Like he had forgotten what it just happened.

Like that was the problem. And I was like, yeah, I don't know if you recall from earlier, please tell me you really said that. Oh yeah how long have you known me of course i really said okay i was just like i and i was so pissed because at this point i'm not thinking clearly i'm not like i'm not gonna fuck with a cop i'm not i'm just like so pissed off that like he doesn't get it and so finally i just go someone was murdered in my hotel. I've done nothing wrong. I'm gonna go now.

And he just goes, alright. I think you just nailed the reason he wasn't invited to the murder investigation. Right. That was the Barney Fife of the local PD, right? They don't even let him put the bullet in the gun. He keeps it in his pocket over here.

His fear though is he's gonna get back in his patrol car as you're driving away, and he's gonna get some... There's been a murder of the La Quinta. Murder of the La Quinta. Suspect, huge forehead, red hair, Jewish. He's heading west on the highway. He's going to Buffalo. You gotta stop this man. I, uh, yeah, I think, like, he should, like, he should have asked me if I was the murderer. Right? Like, yeah, I, I think, like, he should, like, he should have asked me, he should have asked me if I was the murderer. Right? Like, yeah, like, I'm driving away quickly from murder. Yeah.

I'm sure you wouldn't mock him for that. You're horrible at this. Yeah, I just, I couldn't, it was just one of those things, like, you ever have a moment where you're so mad you're not, like, I had a thing in Atlantic City, I, on my 21 birthday, I went to Atlantic City. And I lost. I took $200 to gamble with, knowing that I would probably lose it. I lost $400. Like, that's how bad it was. How did you do that? You know, I had an ATM card.

Like a long tradition of gamblers before me. I'm a fucking idiot. And I lost $400, and I was really upset. And it's like 5 in the morning, and my friends and I go to this McDonald's. And there's a bunch of just, like, these fucking tough thug guys there. And, like, they put my shake down on the counter, and one of them starts to, like, take my shake. And I was just so mad out of my mind. I growled at him.

I was like, and I, like, took the shake back. And the dude, I think he was just like, this is crazy, what the fuck, and they just, like, walked away. Because they weren't, look, if they wanted to beat me up, they could've, but I think they were just like, Jesus God. It was a lot of tough motherfuckers in McDonald's late at night.

That's where they hang out. It was, yeah, that's where all the toughest Asians go. Yeah, it was just, it was just one of those things where, like, I wasn't thinking clearly. If it was in the middle of the day, I would have been like, oh, I'm so sorry, sir. You can have my shake. Would you like me to buy your friend's shakes as well?

I'm not a tough guy, but I was just out of my mind at that point. I was just so pissed off and a little bit drunk and broke, and I just spent my last money on that shake. A little bit drunk, that'll do it that shake meant a lot to you everything to me you're lucky the machine was working I was like don't take my fucking shake but you've never come on guys you've never done anything

where when you look back at it you're like this was I could have gotten my ass kicked and I shouldn't have done that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, when I was in college, I was wasted outside of a bar once. And a friend of mine, it was wintertime, and so nobody was taking cover for this bar outside. And a so drunk buddy of mine convinced me. He's like, hey, nobody's standing out there. I bet you could go out there and pretend to be a bouncer and collect cover doubt in front of this bar. And I was like yeah i bet i could and i'm like no really go try it i'm like i'll do it and for like a few people i was like

oh id all right five dollars and then they gave me five dollars and then id like pretend you know this is a holographic key this is bullshit it's ten dollars and after a little bit of time and a little bit of money i was like this is stupid i should probably go back inside and stop fraud defrauding people and uh the next morning i felt really guilty about it where i was like oh a joke. Very cleverly. Yeah, very cleverly. Like,

when you, like, you could, you could really do that a lot. Like, this actually sounds like a wonderful idea. Especially if you have the,

you know, like in, I don't know if they do this everywhere else, but in New York City, in the winter, every place has that, like, they build like a booth outside of it,

so that when you open the door, it doesn't go directly into the winter. every place has that, like, they build, like, a booth outside of it so that when you open the door, it doesn't go directly into the winter. Like, so they have almost, like, a submarine lock, you know? Yeah, an airlock. Yeah, they basically have an airlock, and so they're not, they're, like, doubly not gonna see you. Yeah, like in Star Trek.

They're, yeah. Almost lost Kyle for a bit. Was that this show or the lost one i think that was this show it was the masseuse thing okay yeah but we had to think yeah i had to think about that for a second i'm trying to think of other things like that that i've done i bet kyle has a couple kyle come on there was that so when i when we were like 19 or something like that my cousin were driving and uh this guy was honking at it we're at a four-way stop the light turns green the guy just lays on his horn behind us and turn around and give him the finger you know like and i mouth

fuck you so he can read it and he's and and so i the reason i didn't go immediately at green is because there was a car coming that looked like he wasn't going to stop for his red light. When a light turns green, it means it's legal to go forward, not that it's safe to go forward. And I was being a responsible driver. And this asshole was like, with a really obnoxious – it wasn't the tap. It wasn't the – Honking is a language. Yes.

It was a get-the-fuck-out-of-my-way- way asshole kind of honk and so i you know i continue on my way i turn left and this guy continues honking he just lays on it and i turn around and he's like pull over pull over and i'm just like oh okie dokie and i fucking pull over into the parking lot of a pawn shop and both safest place well it was it was the most near thing it was like and so scott and i just jump out of the truck and rush this guy i'm going into his driver's window to get him scott's coming in from the pastor's side and he is aghast he's he goes i'm a judge and and we just go and then we go and we just run so he wasn, pull over, I want to fight you. No, he was.

He wanted to fight until he saw how serious we were about the fight. Oh, I thought he was saying like, I just wanted to tell you the traffic laws. No, but nobody would say, like, that's got to be made up. Like, who would say that? Who comes up with that? I'm a judge, and I decree that this is illegal! He totally wanted to rumble. If you were going to lie

about what you were... If you were going to lie, you would say you're a cop, right? Maybe you would just go to judge. We were just like, he might as well have produced... I'm a sitting U.S. Senator! I'm a town alderman! Shit, I don't know what our senators look like! I'm a shitty U.S. senator! I'm a town alderman! Shit, I don't know what our senators

look like! I'm a cop troller! If he had produced a fucking machine gun, we would not have been as scared as when he said, I'm a judge. We were just like, and we run away, get back in our car, and speed away. He showed up for a fight two-on-one,

and he doesn't want to do it. My story is... We've learned how to get a free $5 from everybody in the winter. Learned how to, if someone's coming at you and they're attacking you, just go, I'm a judge! Problem solved. So I'm driving home from

Florida to North Carolina. I'm exhausted. I'm super tired. And I figure I'll just go to Starbucks and get a coffee to kind of pep up. The thing is, I'm not really a coffee person. I don't know what to say. So I text my friend who is I'm like, Hey, I'm exhausted going to Starbucks. I don't know the language. Like, what do I ask for? And I'm like at the drive through kind of next to it waiting for his or her reply and um they write back triple shot something latte i don't know vende and but i had i know what to say so now i pull into the drive-thru lane the thing is i didn't really check my blind spot and there was a woman passing me on the left as you do

uh that i kind of cut off and she honks at me hard and long that's mean right so i flip her the bird and she rolls down her window and says you're an asshole and then i thought about it and i was like you know she has a strong point i was kind of an asshole right here so i just kind of shrugged my shoulders like yeah i guess i was and ordered my coffee. And you paid for hers, of course, right? No, he's an asshole. Ah, I forgot. You're not paying attention, Kyle. But yeah, that's where it ended.

I was like, yeah, this really was my fault. I had one about two weeks ago where I was on, I went on a date with a girl and I got a fucking flat tire. I took a nail in my tire.

And so we're driving. And this is in LA. And we're like the side of the fucking 105. Which is in a total shit neighborhood. And it's one of those things where there's no breakdown lane. There's like a breakdown bike lane, basically. It's like just wide enough where your tire is on the lane of the highway. And so, and, uh,

and it's actually, this was actually just after, I guess it was a little longer ago, it was just after, I, uh, I tore up my finger pretty bad, um, and so, like, I couldn't change the tire, and I just had to, and it was just a miserable day. Miserable, miserable, and I was like, well, this fucking ruins the date. There's no recovering from this shit. And so,

oh, I mean, look, we're stranded on the fucking side of a highway for a half hour. People have gotten laid in that situation. Uh, this was not that kind of a situation. Not this guy. Yeah, Jesus. I'm like, you know who's gotten laid?

I have no idea. So... It's still AAA shows up, so... Yeah, I'd be like, hey, let's, hey let's uh why don't we no because we couldn't even sit in the car because it was so fucking dangerous because like it's like partly on the highway we had to like climb up and sit on the fucking railing like on the dirty ass railing while it was cold out it was garbage anyway so the point is i have to drive home on the fucking uh on the donut on the spare and because of that you can't go more than 50 miles an hour and like even going 50 is a little bit you know questionable on

it so uh i'm getting right near where i live finally and i go to like i go to take the exit and there's a cab behind me and i've got my flashers on i'm driving 50 i know it's the highway but i've got my flashes on and the cab is just brighting the fuck out of me and i'm like hey nothing i can do man you know there's not like i'm just sitting in the car i don't know what to do so i go to get off the highway to go to my place he comes off the highway also brighting the fuck out of me slamming on his horn, like, just really, just, like, chasing me. Like, yelling at me in car language, you know? And, uh, and so then I go to make the turn to, like, go to my block, and he does too, and I'm like,

uh, this motherfucker wants to fight. And then finally, he just takes a U, he turns around, gets back on the highway. And I'm just, like, I was like, what the fuck? Like, how little in your life to get upset with someone? Like, I had my flashes on, you know what I mean? Like, there was no, like, there was, like, what the fuck? Like, how little in your life to get upset with someone? Like, I had my flashes on, you know what I mean?

Like, there was no, like, what else could I have done in that situation? That's the only tool that the car gives you. Absolutely. There's no, like, there's no, like, gobo on the back of it where you could, like, project a little thing on the road behind you that's, like, so sorry I have a flat tire. Like, there's nothing I can do. And so, like, all I, all I, I mean, I did what anyone would do, and I called the cab company and told on them. behind you that's like so sorry i have a flat tire like there's nothing i can do and so like all i all i i mean i did what anyone would do and i called the cab company and told on him i mean that's the i did what anyone would do i i left a yelp review yeah absolutely i i narked no i uh

yeah i hate i hate that shit when someone when someone acts like this is my fucking road. You know, and it's like, hey, we're all in this together, man. Like, this is... There's nothing you can do. So this man was arrested. He was caught with a bit of food in his pants that he had stolen. He had nine pieces of fried chicken, some mashed potatoes, two packs of hamburger buns, and a full rack of ribs.

Oh, this is a different guy. I thought you meant the guy who chased me. No, no. This is a different guy. No word yet if Wings will be able to return to his stream this week. We've got two of them in so far. There's going to be three. There's going to be three. Has there been two? This show, that's the first, right?

Oh, shit. Yeah. Damn it. You guys lost the first shot I took across Wing's enormous bow. Oh, that makes two? That's a good one. Yeah. This is an actual Florida man. He accused of stealing all this food and hiding

it in his pants. He looks like a nice guy. If I'm being honest. He was just hungry, right? Or he was gonna go trade that food for crack. Is that... What kind of crack dealer can you show up and pull a full rack of ribs out of your pants

and be like, yo, let's go. I don't do crack, but it's my understanding that the people who do aren't the most rational. And so maybe you show them a rack of ribs, and they're like, oh, I've been getting paid in cash so long I never considered. Like, I just skip a step. You guys just bring me goods and services instead of money.

I was in the mood for ribs. Here's some crack. Actually, yeah, that wouldn't be a good trade either way, because people who do crack are never hungry. Oh, that's good. Actually, but dealers could be hungry. It seems like a perfect trade because the crackhead has a good that has no

value to him, and the dealer has a good that is valuable to the druggie. He's out there hustling, so he's probably worked up an appetite. Exactly. Cut out the middleman. Well, shit. This is Cut out the middleman. Well, shit.

Yeah. This is working with the supply chain. By the way, I love this, that a quote on the arrest affidavit says that he, quote, removed a full rack of ribs from his waistband. I love that they use the word full. Like that it wasn't enough to just write removed a rack of ribs and like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We're talking like half a rack? Next vacation, I'm showing up with a rack of ribs. I'm going to see that guy hanging out by the ice machine all night long

and see what I can get in exchange. Don't go talk to the ice man. That's good for a stabbing. Why would somebody spend four or six hours standing by the vending ice machine? Because they're a degenerate with nothing better to do.

Wait, what is this? This is my last motel. There was a guy outside the room the whole time. The only like light was by the ice machine. It's like that Dave Chappelle bit. I'm selling weed, nigga. He's out there working. He's out there working.

That's why he's standing by the the ice machine all night long like he did he didn't need some ice or he's selling by now yeah he's not selling guys that's hotel ice yeah it's a street term for drugs yeah it's definitely a drug dealer like because he's hanging out there for ease of you know reception from his customers, probably. Hey, where you at? You know the worst motel in history? Yeah, yeah, dude, I drive by it all the time. Why are you there?

Well, cause I sell meth. Oh, where are you? I'm by the ice machine. Oh, cause you're selling meth? Yeah, I know, it's clever, right? And then you go and you buy your meth. His nickname is actually on the street. His nickname is Ice Machine. Ice Machine. That's a nice nickname to have actually like like if i i would be okay with that street name right if your nickname was ice machine yeah oh this i'm glad you brought this up i was thinking about this

like i don't know if you've ever done this topic before but like if you were in a porno what would your porno name be hmm how do you make a porno name? What are the rules again? Yeah, there are a couple different ways. People keep doing that with different rules. There was one this year that I saw. Your hip-hop name was Lil, followed by the first thing you bought after the New Year. And so some people could be Lil Drink drink and then some people would be like

you know little membership to Adobe cloud I'd be little Asian girl I'd be little shitty motel room I think I Yeah, little paper towels. Little gas. Yeah. Little gas. Little fuel. Little petrol. Or a little 87, depending on what type of gas you get. You know, that could work. The porn one is like, isn't it your first pet?

And then something about a street name, like the street that you lived on as a kid or something? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It is, because mine is the most unpoor name of all time. What is it? My first pet in the street I lived on, my poor name would be Irvin Smedley. Irvin Smedley? You sound like a banker. I sound like a bad guy

in a 1940s movie. Mine would be Max Caney. That's not bad, right? Mine would be... Max Caney. I'm trying to, right? Mine would be Max Caney. I'm trying to think of the kid I always thought was a kid. Oh, uh, Beans Sundance.

Beans Sundance is a fantastic one. Because Beans was the name of the dog. So Chiz is saying, Chiz is saying on the chat that, like, these are ways to get people security questions. Oh, that's funny. Yeah, like, I don't... Yeah. KT Zatara is a comic who has a great bit

about whenever he's on a date and a woman asks him something personal, he's afraid she's trying to get his password. Like she's trying to be like... His mother's maiden name. Yeah, exactly. Like, hey, what town did you grow up in? What town did you grow up in? Yeah.

I was going to say mine. Now I'm not going to. These two sound like security questions. Who was your favorite grade school? None of these are our security questions. No, yeah. I don't use mine. I would ask these. Yeah, but I use the custom one.

I always, like, make it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I never use the one. You put your own in. Yeah. I thought most people did that. Yeah, I always do that. Yeah, yeah. You could always use a custom one or, like, never used one. I thought most people did that. Yeah, I always do that. Yeah, you could always use a custom one or a weird one. I'll do...

What I'll do is, who is your childhood best friend? And then the answer in all one word is... Exactly, I had none. Yeah. Yeah, the answer is trick question. The answer is me.

Like, unrelated. But then you'll fool yourself where it'll be like, what's your favorite sports team? It's like, ah, I'm gonna put my favorite food. And then the time comes where you use it and you're like, fuck, because I didn't put my real favorite food, I put like a second favorite food just in case like two-layer protection.

Spaghetti? Fuck, what was I thinking in 2011? I've done it before what if your answer to both is blue jays? oh well, then you don't have a very good security question

you enjoy eating blue jays and a poor diet what if your answer to both is bears? I never eat bear but I hear it's tasty. I want to eat bear. It's what is your favorite food, what is your favorite sports team, and what are you most afraid of? Bears.

And your first sexual experience. Yeah. Oh, still bears. Yeah, all bears. Yeah. No, it's the same as my childhood friend. That's gay. I've had none.

Yeah. Did you guys hear about the Missouri governor? childhood friend I've had none yeah did you guys hear about the Missouri governor Taylor I thought maybe you'd be yeah apparently this guy right this guy seems pretty cool like he's an ex-navy seal he used to be a democrat he's turned republican which in my

head like everyone can like him at least a little and um or the democrats can hate him for turning. If you want. He was a Rhodes Scholar. He went to Duke. He's the first Jewish governor of Missouri. Oh, I didn't know that part.

It wasn't in the article. He's one of my people. So anyways, he's a great guy. Real quick, this ad. Can we watch his ad? Can we watch this ad? Can we watch this ad? This ad resonated so much with the people of Missouri that he skyrocketed.

I wanted to vote for him. Kyle was going to do what the Democrats do, hop on a bus, come here and vote. Tell me when you guys are ready. Jesus Christ. One moment. Ready, set, play. For too long, Missouri's been run by career politicians,

owned by corrupt consultants, high-paid lobbyists, and special interests. While they get rich, Missourians are hurting. Well, I'm no career politician. I'm a Navy SEAL, and I'll take dead aim at politics as usual. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. politics as usual. Oh, Jesus. I'm Eric Brighton. If you're ready for a conservative outsider, I'm ready to fire away. And as always.

I also love the idea that, like, how dumb are the voters that he is Navy SEAL shooting a gun, blowing shit up, and he's like, and I'm a conservative, by the way, just in case you didn't know. In case you guys were worried that I was, like, a real progressive Navy SEAL with a machine gun. I'm going to make it so this is the last gun left in Missouri. It's just me. I just love the idea. Yeah, he's just like, he does this this commercial and then the last line is like also i really respect transgender people like that's not what you're expecting he ran on a campaign of like wanting to clean up politics in missouri but now he's under like he's got charges like campaign finance fraud against him he ran on this idea that he was

like a wonderful family man and one of the reasons he's in so much trouble now is that he cheated on his wife but not just cheating on his wife like the the allegation the coolest part of the story is with this woman that he's fucking outside his marriage he was going to have her over and teach her how to do pull-ups oh so he blindfolds blindfolds her and, like, ties her to the period. Nope, nope. Give me a moment. I'm laying this out. Woody, there's a lot to unpack here. We can't just skip over the best part of just how

altruistic this guy is. No, no, no. I just... It says conservative Navy SEAL, but he didn't include teacher in that description. I know, right? Giver. Fitness guru. Hero. Yeah.

So. Hero. Not, with her consent, I should say. So this isn't like a rape situation. But he ties her to the pull-up bar. Oh, I thought the pull-ups were without her consent. And then he starts taking blackmail pictures of her. And says, if you ever tell anyone that we're fucking, I'm going to use these as blackmail pictures of her and says if you ever tell anyone that we're fucking i'm going to use

these as blackmail so that's how he ensured that she would keep the secret and my understanding of it is like wow like they were doing their bdsm thing disguised as pull-ups right whatever stupid excuse hey you want to come over new pull-ups oh you mean the kind where you tie me up and we fuck don't text that you bitch bitch! Like, you know? And he admitted to the affair. He's just saying, no, the blackmail shit didn't happen. Wait, wait, wait. But also, oh, because she, like, explained. She's like,

oh, this is how. But what I want to know... It's her ex... The woman's ex-husband brought it out, I believe. So what moment of inspiration did he have when he was like, look, we have a great deal of sex and she's naked a whole bunch and I could take photos of that or I could get her to come over and do pull-ups?

That seems like a reasonable thing, right? They actually didn't do do pull-ups? They actually didn't do any pull-ups. That must have been their code word for tying up and having... Yeah, that was their code word for transitional diapers for toddlers. They got their heart beating, but there was no upper body work involved. You know, I would have been so... Like, if I were her, I'd have been so like, but what about the pull-ups?

I thought that were going to work out. I could do cat hangs. Is this cool to you? Yeah. Well, that sucks. Hopefully he didn't actually do the blackmail thing because that would make him a real piece of shit. It sounds like a little Frank Underwood method to me, right?

Like maybe she was into that. I think we're judging this man way too much. He is a Navy SEAL, a conservative... Wait, what just happened? That one wasn't me. Taylor's internet. Sorry. I'm hardwired in. I should be fine.

It's the governor of Missouri. He's fucking taking you down a notch. Okay. So he wanted to come over and do pull-ups. Do you think that this was like he used the Navy SEAL thing, where he's like, hey, I'm going to train you to be a Navy SEAL. What we do all the time is we do pull-ups. But it's in the

desert sometimes. So you have to, it's real hot. So you have to take all your clothes off in order to do this correctly. Get naked. Get blindfolded. Even though I'm in the Navy, and that would mean I would be in water. But the point is, you get real hot, and then he convinced her to do it. Take her hands to the exercise rings. Not until you do your last set!

You know, it just, like, matters. By the way, pull-ups on exercise rings? Why wouldn't he have a bar? And why does he have exercise rings anyway? Doing pull-ups on exercise rings? Why wouldn't he have a bar? And why does he have exercise rings anyway? It's because they weren't doing pull-ups! Ah! This is like how I tell people that come over that my sex swing is a trapeze.

You know? It's like, oh, yeah, that's where I do my trapeze work. Yeah, yeah, don't worry. Yeah, with a dildo. Yeah, yeah. Ignore all those extra implements lying about. Those are dildos, but that's

not a sex swing. That would be ridiculous. I got the leopard print trapeze. What? It's because of my trapeze name. The Fabulous Leopard Twins. That's our partner. It was so funny when the contractors were putting in our carpet.

They saw the Sawzall with the dildo attachment on it. There wasn't a dildo on it. Wait, the what? So a Sawzall is a reciprocating saw that kind of looks like a gun. You pull the trigger in the back and it goes... And you normally use the saw things. But I put an attachment on mine so that you could then mount a dildo onto it jesus christ machines on a pussy and i didn't have

the dildo on it but i did have like the round ball attachment that the dildo slides over and that was sitting outside and they were out there looking at it like because these are like handymen right they have lots of tools they're they're contractors they're like yeah we've there looking at it like because these are like handymen, right? They have lots of tools. They're contractors. They're like, we've been looking at this thing for about 10 minutes. What in the world is that? And I was just like, ah. You're like, that is something that needs to be washed.

I was like, I don't know. I don't know what that is. Nobody touched it, right? If you guys touched it, you should just get checked out you know just uh you know just for your own sake just uh you know safety first you did sign that liability waiver right because i'm not responsible for okay good good good how receptive are women when you bring out a black and decker uh you know fucking sex toy 100 you know it first of all you don't just say

haha surprise bitch like that's been my mistake then also by the way yeah you also use the word uh you said like how receptive are women how receptive are the women that are already willing to fuck kyle it's a very specific a hundred percent like you gotta look at the venn diagram here of like women and uh insane people who aren't worried about their own safety and then that that crescent in the middle that is what's known as the wheelhouse these are enormous circles in my world my yeah by the way. By the way, that crest in the middle was in the shape of a vagina. It absolutely is. For Kyle. Yeah. Yes.

I have not encountered a woman yet who was not interested in getting machine gun attacked by my Black & Decker. It's a DeWalt, by the way, just so if anyone's out there doing any shopping. I saw some of you the other day. We're looking to do you know, you wanted your own because you heard me talking about mine and a lot of you were like, oh

yeah, I'll get the Black & Decker. I'll get the Milwaukee. Fucking don't cheap out on me. I'm a Ryobi man myself. Milwaukee's not cheaping out. Now we're into my wheelhouse. Lithium, ion, DeWalt, alright? Is this a Sawzall? Yes. Yeah, Milwaukee is. You know, I'm going to go against you on this one. I own a Milwaukee, okay?

This is a joke, alright? Let's not get too serious about this, goddammit. The Milwaukee's rotor! It's brushless, Kyle! Brushless. Fuel. I fucked up my finger on a circular saw. That's how I messed it up.

But I wasn't, I was actually building stuff, not just trying to fuck women in a weird way. You know? I was actually... Although, uh, building stuff tends to impress women, so maybe it's just all a piece of the same puzzle. I don't know.

You segue from one to the other, you know? You know what women are not impressed by? Is becoming fucking furious because you can't find the screw that Ikea didn't put in the box. I didn't lose it, you know, and the last step as you're putting, like, the wheel

on the bottom of the chair or the desk or whatever. Oh, God. There is nothing that gives me a more visceral feeling of, like, just being mad as having to assemble something from Ikea or wherever else you assemble stuff from. hate it i bought a an

actual bed stand from ikea two months ago and i brought it home i opened it up and started to pull a piece of wood out and i was like oh this is gonna be an ordeal and so i just threw it in my closet haven't built it yet i've had it in my closet for two months. It's like, look, I do get the idea of how frustrating it is when they don't include all the right pieces because that does happen. And it's also frustrating. So you're saying your wife got mad

when they, like, as if it was your fault? I'm not married, but, like, no, no. They don't like that is what I'm saying. And, like, the missing screw thing, it's not that you're mad necessarily that they didn't put the screw in. You're angry because there's the possibility that you lost it, and it was

in there, and you're just a retard. And so you're mad at yourself, you're mad at the little stupid pamphlet where they have a giant pamphlet, and they have an entire set of Swedish instructions, and it's like, how many fucking people in St. Louis, Missouri do you think actually are reading these swedish ones just save some paper you know what i love i love that like so kyle is like making custom sex stool sex tools uh and woody is like discussing the merits of you know is milwaukee better and i'm talking about like

messing up my finger on a circular saw while building furniture and then Taylor's like ugh Ikea is so difficult I hate when this particle board comes unassembled and then I have to take 10 minutes and put it together but it's that 10 minutes that I don't I so don't want to do it like I know

that it's not that hard unless it's a missing piece then you get livid but it's just I hate that kind of shit but i have but i have a i have a car not a truck and so like it's good when furniture fits in it if you're buying something and i like i like ikea stuff basically what i do is like i buy a whole bunch of ikea shit and then as i build like uh like a piece i'll replace whatever the ikea thing is which is fine to do because it's like oh i can i don't need to sell this bookcase on craigslist it cost me 25 dollars like i could just i just throw this out away when i'm done with it yeah yeah absolutely and the best part is like when

you're throwing it in the dumpster or whatever all you gotta do is hit it hard it just falls to fucking pieces right like like ikea furniture after the taylor built it after like three years of use and wiggling a little it all those bullshit locking screws and particle boards start getting weaker and you can just, ah, and it just, it's really satisfying. Have you ever sold furniture on Craigslist? No. Yes. No, I don't want those people coming over. I've sold a washer and dryer on Craigslist.

The Asians. Oh, Jesus. the asians i love jesus the idea of uh like i love when people come over and it's like hey this hundred dollar desk i'm selling it for fifteen dollars and they're like can you do 12 it's like fuck off are you serious right now i when i sold a washer and dryer on craigslist this was years ago like i was just trying to get rid of them for the space and so they weren't bad dryers it's probably like new like i don't know like 350 a pop and so like 700 for the set or so and they were a couple years old but that's fine with a washer dryer and i was like all right they're they're like a hundred bucks a piece like like come and get them like i'm trying to get rid of these a A family, a Filipino family, showed up.

And I saw, like, in the distance, they were coming up in their truck. And I was like, oh, there's a lot of people in that car. Good, because I'm the only person here right now. And it would be a bitch for me to have to carry this, like, try and lift this by myself into their car. I watch as the smallest family in America files out of this car. Like, you know, there's six of them. Well, good, because then there's room for the washer and dryer well they're in a truck and there were six of them in like the cab in the cab it was like five women and they're Filipina Filipino whatever and so they're like a baby ten you know in a

baby well that came out later so they came with six left with seven you know what happened right and then no but then there was one guy and the guy that got out was maybe five one and fat as can be like the size of three of his daughters so he was five one in every direction five he was a sphere if you kicked him he would roll down into the cul-de-sac yeah he was five he was five by five yeah and so then i had to deal with the least helpful carrier of all time while like a couple of the the girls came to the other sides and like gave like lip service helping but it's like you're not you're not actually helping you're pretending to help

your fingers aren't touching the bottom of the washer you bitch and so i had to do that but uh yeah it is annoying when you give them a really good deal because they once they got there they tried to do uh uh they tried to give me 160 yeah after everything was in there and they gave me 160 and i was like this is 160 it's 200 and he's like yeah yeah no it's 200 and he's like oh and he takes it back out and gives me 40 more and it's like you fuck you were gonna try and play like an i don't speak english you read the ad i didn't put it in whatever language you speak so you know you know it's the numbers are still the same taylor it's like yeah and the numbers are the same yeah we're using arabic numerals here sir i had a couple i had a couple

that like may have like them buying the the furniture from me may have led to their divorce it was there was like i mean look, look, I don't know, maybe this is just their dynamic, but when I moved into the place I'm in now, in the, so in the other room, there's no, like, there's like a small closet. And so,

there was this giant fucking wardrobe taking up just a ton of space. And I'm like, I don't want this shit. And so, I put it on craigslist and i go come and get it if you can haul it it's yours not even not charging anything for it just come and take this fucking thing out of here and so these people come and the the woman's very nice and she tells me basically that like uh her mother's really sick and she recently moved in and they like they don't have much space.

And so they need like a wardrobe for her. And I want to be like, I don't care. That's all very nice. But get this the fuck out of here. And so they don't they don't come with anything like take it apart or haul it or whatever. So I take my tools out and I'm taking it apart for them. And they're just they just start fighting. They're just like yelling because they've had

wow this is taking so long is your for your damn mother and she's like well you know she lives with us we're trying to take care i'm tired of her shit you know and they're just like screaming at each other and i'm just like hey can you hand me the allen wrench if you get a chance because i'm really gonna get this thing the fuck apart yeah i'm like i gotta take this apart like i'm like you're doing to your marriage we have to dismantle this let me tell everyone about another piece of furniture the casper mattress casper is a sleep brand that makes uh expertly designed products help you get your best rest one night at a time casper products are cleverly designed to mimic human curves providing supportive comfort for all kinds of bodies.

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So start sleeping better today and get $50 towards select mattresses by visiting casper.com slash pka and using code pka at checkout. Terms and conditions apply. That's casper.com slash pka. Promo code pka at checkout for $50 towards select mattresses. I love my Casper mattress. It's fantastic. I sleep on it every night, and I have been. And I sleep on the same spot every night because you get into habits with where you sleep in your bed.

Where the stain is. And there is no dip whatsoever. If you looked at it, if you looked right across the top, it's still 100% flat. He actually plays pool on the top of his Casper mattress.

If I wanted to, I could. That's how flat and structurally sound these are. I described my last girlfriend the same way. Structurally sound. Flat and structurally sound. I actually...

With a fist size stain. I had... So I just played the Punchline in sacramento and that club is like in order to get there you have to like wind your way around an enormous mattress store like it's just and all the signs outside are for the mattress store like you you don't really see much stuff for the for the club at all and when I was there, I was joking about it. And I was on the Sacramento Reddit.

A ton of Redditors came out for the show. And so I posted a little thank you of like, hey, it was good to see so many of you. And I was like, hey, here's some clips I'm going to post, including when I ranted about the mattress store. And this one guy was just like, every fucking comic here wants to rant about the mattress store. It's like one out of every three weeks and i'm just sitting there just be like you go to you go to the comedy club 20 times a year is that a thing or

or did you just you just made that up you just completely made it like maybe you saw one other guy make that make a joke about that it was next to the mattress store and then you got like really upset and then and then had a rant online in order to make yourself feel better. Did it inspire you to come up with some really kick-ass mattress-related material, though? I actually was very happy with my mattress store-related material when I was there.

I thought it was a fresh take on the proximity to the mattress store. Yeah. What was it? What was it? Well, I mean, it wasn't that good but uh what's the deal with mattresses i basically made fun of the idea i mean you kind of have to like see it to really understand the the structure of it but i made fun of the idea of like how like

the first time i got there like the first time i ever went to the punchline i was like really excited to play it it's a live nation venue and and I was, like, really excited, and I get there, and I was, like, maybe it moved, maybe I'm in the wrong place, and, like, I see these two other guys, I was, like, hey, do you know where the Punchline is? And they're, like, yeah, we're actually going there to see you. And I was, like, not if I can't fucking find it, you're not. So, can you, and they're, like, oh, we've been there before, and so they, like, sherpered me in, and, uh, and, like, I, you know, know i get there and i don't see a comedy club i just see a fucking mattress store and i'm like are these guys gonna murder me here

like is this because what an easy way to dispose of a body inside of a mattress what better way to order from casper it's so much safer and then you know what it'll be much easier to find the punchline in the future because that store is gonna go out of business. Yeah, because of Casper. Can I get a Casper mattress? Can they send me one? I feel like I've been on the show for four reads now. That should be enough. They could, but will they?

We don't get free mattresses either. We just buy them. What? That's ridiculous. Would you have a coupon code, the PKA? Yes, coupon code PKA to save a little cash. When I got my like i ordered mine and uh i was like ah i deserve a king like i never had a king-sized bed before and so i ordered it fully not anticipating how big a king-sized bed really is and so when it came in a box i had

to carry it up multiple flights of stairs to get it to my place at the time. And that was one of the most difficult workouts I've done in my entire life. One step at a time. This thing weighs probably 150... It's so fucking heavy. But it's packed into that. I remember

getting it one stair up and being like, ugh. I could just keep the... I I could just keep the other one. I should just sleep on the other one. I'll use this as the next place. I'm like, no, you gotta do it. Then you have to go downstairs

and find the homeless guy and pay him in sandwiches. In my living room. I cut it open. Why did you open it in your living room? That's a terrible plan. Because that's where he lives. I cut it open why did you open it in your living room that's a terrible plan it was because that's where he lives in my only in the living room i cut it open in the living room and i expected the expansion of it to be much slower for some reason like i didn't expect it to be

like the last like piece of tape you cut off it goes boom and it just comes out and so like it knocked into something in the corner of the room and real quick i'm like moving my kitchen chairs and like moving something like god it's still it's just growing like it's too much room and by the end it slowly takes up your entire apartment it's like it just became that much bigger it's like a peep in the microwave this is something just this is something that like i am passionately annoyed about but not annoyed enough to do anything about like okay this country has a very like the ethos of this country is very like bigger is better you know we have giant fucking suvs and we have giant

food we have like all this stuff that's enormous and yet the the biggest size of standard mattress is a king and has been for a very long time like why isn't there an emperor like why is you know what i mean like why is there and i know there are custom there are custom mattresses you can get bigger mattresses but what i'm saying is that like why isn't there something that's like one step up one step up now yeah it's just an overlord mattress like why isn't there why isn't there the next step up from king why doesn't anybody need like they've got california king which is just a skinnier king that's longer right yeah which is just as stupid it's just a different shaped king yeah but i mean a king size you don't need any more room than that oh you can you well you're okay hold on a second have you been have you been i know

you're not married now now but but have you been married no then you're fucking wrong like the idea that you think a king is enormous is because you haven't been married is it because well maybe your wife is she a kicker in bed like she sleeps she sleeps and just... Stop. She was very skinny, all right? But, no, she wasn't expanding like Taylor's mattress. No, what I mean is that, like, when you're sleeping on a king with another person, you're sleeping on a mattress. Like, you say a king is luxurious, right?

Now cut that shit in half, and then that's what you have. And that's if they keep to their side of the bed. You don't let her sleep on the bed. You put her on the floor. I let them sleep at the foot of the bed, curled up like a dog. Yeah, long wise. Yeah, and that's only if she's good, right guys?

That's only if she's a good girl. Like on the office, when they're like, oh, what a nice little bench here. Yeah, that's actually, Michael's like, oh yeah,'s uh that's my bed i sleep here it's really small he's like no no i see i just curl up jan likes her space yeah all right so i was just talking to kitty and so my my friend kitty runs an etsy store and and on the on the etsy like sellers group chat block where all the sellers get together and gossip i guess this lady is explaining she makes these pendants like a necklace with a it opens up and people put photographs in there of

their loved ones you've seen these in movies and stuff often you'll have like you know the guy on one side the girl on the other or something like that shaped like a heart well this woman contacts her and she's like hey i would like you to make a pendant for me, but this is going to be like a joke pendant. It's a gag gift. And the photograph we want in it is a picture of our horse's cock. We have a stallion who is always getting erect at the most inappropriate times, and he has a massive don. Wait, what are the – because normally it's just the appropriate times. Yes, yes. Normally it's just like... Normally it's, you know, your husband's face or, you know, your wife, your children perhaps, you know, like your divorce.

Yeah, when you're showing them horse porn. That's okay. And the lady's like, yeah, I guess I could make a little gag pendant. Sure, send a photograph of your horse or whatever. And she's like, ah, see see that's the thing i i've been having a hard time getting him he hasn't gotten an erection lately and look here's the thing i i'm all alone today i'm thinking maybe i'll just go lend him a hand you know i'm gonna put the the video camera on the floor and i'm just gonna it's bigger than my arm when it's a wreck i

think i'll just go stroke the horse off and and do you think we can take a screenshot from the video that I filmed, and would that be good enough quality? This is not a real person. This is a real person. This is an actual thing that's happening right this second. This is Ken M. This is not a real person. That is so fucking weird. No no because it's the idea postcard it's a pendant oh then it's fine that's fine

we thought it was a postcard we we were we all thought it was weird because now we know it's if it's a pendant it's just something for yourself you like oh god i'm feeling down what's my horse's dick look like yeah i could go out and say hi to him but no i'll just look at my heart pendant and then the horse's dick is wearing one of her you know it's like a nice she gave the horse a prince albert piercing with just a little locket on the end whenever i see one of those in a porno, I'm really taken aback. Like, the Prince Albert piercing, like,

would you get that? Can you describe the Prince Albert piercing? Oh my god! Oh my god! How did we not? Tiz, link lots of pictures. It's a cocket. Cocket. It goes through the urethra.

So don't link pictures in the chat. through the urethra and then down. So don't link pictures in the chat. Is it a bar or is it like a pirate? Like a U. There are different ones, but it's sort of a U that goes in and it sort of goes in it, almost like a fish hook type of thing where it goes in and then hooks through and then there's often a ring there with like a ball attached or, you know,

something like that. So if the cock is upright would this thing be towards the front or like towards the belly button sometimes there are charms like based on what your interests are you know like there could be like a little baseball glove or you know like you know like maybe maybe like a like a sneaker because like your kids

you know take a little baby shoe maybe someone on the call knows a blowjob from a girl with a tongue piercing in my imagination not actually that mind-blowing should i not paste a picture of a prince albert dick yeah i don't by the way i don't care i was i was freaking out because we almost missed the term cock locket which i I shortened to cock it. I didn't care about the picture. Cock it.com! See, if you look at that piercing, it actually

looks really awful and uncomfortable. And it looks like it could get Where does your pee go? Do you have to sit down to pee now? Because if you remove that now you have two pee holes. Ooh, that is an issue why would someone do that you're mentally ill i never even considered that taylor you're absolutely

right yeah where do you pee you everywhere when you get one of these signing you have to sit down to pee i don't think they pierce your urethra they do it goes in the urethra and out that's what's going on there i assume so and i've done enough research so it legit like it you you the stream of pee goes right like i have a hard time peeing like after i've had sex because it like goes everywhere yeah that's normal i can't right and i'm saying i can't even imagine yeah i can't even imagine if you literally like you ever try to like uh squeeze a garden hose like it's a similar thing where it just yeah you put your thumb at the end of the garden hose you just put your thumb on the new

hole every time you pee to keep it coming out the correct way oh you know what I bet you pee faster like shotgunning a beer oh maybe you do that air flow it really helps it move that's smart that's a good line That airflow really helps it move. That's smart.

That's a good line. I don't know. What could the benefit of this be? Because I don't feel like you could have sex with this thing. The original Prince Albert, the idea was that he had his penis pierced in this manner, and there was a chain which attached to the piercing and went to the side so that he could like I'm going to stand up to demonstrate he wanted his penis

Can you move to your right a little bit? Yeah. So he wanted his penis to like always go like over here and be attached via the chain so the chain was attached under his garments of course and that way it would be pulled to the side. So it was like a lock?

No. Was he having an issue with hanging down? It was a fashion choice. It looked better if it was off to the side and not hanging down. Right, right. It was like a clasp, like the way that you'd put away a folding desk. There you go. It's exactly like that.

But if it was in his pants, either it's hanging down or it's to the side with your chain and horrible, gruesome, you know, piercing here, how does that help the style? Because it's still under his clothes. But you're avoiding the bulge that was normally created. I believe he's able to wear a higher crotch pant now.

No, you'll just see the penis over to the side. But no one assumed it was a penis, because why the fuck would there be a penis there? I thought you wanted to see the penis on the side. My approach to this whole thing is, can we get something bigger and better than my actual penis, right? Why not have a dildo off to the side? If it's a fashion choice,

maybe a log. If someone told you, hey, it's really in vogue to pull your dick to the side under your pants, but to get on this fashion train, you've got to puncture and permanently ruin your urethra. Sure, every pee from now on is going to be a thumb on the underside of it to hold the pee in. Nobody is going to do that.

It takes a real time to do it. I got it. I was right. I was absolutely right. Are you serious? I thought you were making most of that up. No, I was 100% right. I know things. The Prince Albert piercing is named after Prince Albert, who was the husband of Queen Victoria of England.

He was reputed to have had this piercing done prior to his marriage to the Queen around 1825. At that time, Beau Brumel started the craze for ultra-tight men's trousers. Because the pants were so tight, the penis needed to be held to one side or the other so as not to create an unsightly bulge. To accomplish this, some men had their penis pierced. To allow it to be held by a hook on the inside of the trousers,

this piercing was called a dressing ring. At the time, because tailors would ask if a gentleman's dressed to the left or the right, and tailor the trousers accordingly. Tailors, to this day, will ask you if you dress to the left or the right. Oh, yeah. I mean, you hang in a spit. Like, everybody knows. Every guy knows where they hang, typically.

Sure. But, like, I'm a left. Me too. Wow, what are the odds? Kyle, are you a left? Or do you tie your dick to the side with a chain? I'm pretty sure mine goes to the right, after years

of pulling it in that direction. You know? Kyle actually has a hook on the back of his pants where he tucks it through like the Ace Ventura. It's back there. He's sitting on it. Yeah, just constantly.

He just wanted some more padding when he sat down. Man, fashion is so weird. How could that have caught on? It didn't. At the time, it clearly did like fancy pants people who were like oh oh your pants are so terribly you know how it caught on it caught on because poor because poor people couldn't afford to do it that's how it caught on so like a rich person was like oh you know what identifies me as rich? This mutilation in my cock. I bet you peons can't do

that. And they're like, speaking of peeing on something, you're peeing everywhere, sir. Oh, these poles with their one pee-ho. Yeah, it's like, oh, it's like the sprinkler. Yeah. Give it to me. I think I'd rather have two

buttholes, right? It seems like you could poop better. That might be the way to go. To have two buttholes right it seems like you could poop better like that might be the way to go to have two buttholes there's literally an expression I need that like I need another asshole you couldn't be more wrong here think it through right like constipated days maybe I just need a

supersized asshole right maybe that would be the way to go like a nice horse asshole that's what you need you need a supersized asshole right maybe that would be the way to go like a nice horse asshole that's what you need you need a cloaca like i don't know what that is a chicken doesn't have a vagina or an asshole has a cloaca and that's where it poops out of and where eggs come out so it's like this does sound like you're selling me this taylor is this also where you fuck the chicken or that's where i thought I don't know about you. Yeah, I'm just trying to figure this out.

Look, I'm new to this. They fuck one another. Because it has a beak. They fuck each other in the cloaca. Which is so ironic because they talk about chicken head. Chickens don't fuck. They don't?

I don't know how chickens fuck. They just spring out of the ground! How are those in the ground? No, but they don't fuck the way we do. Come on, Kyle. Hang on, we gotta stop right here, because we're having a Wings of Redemption moment. Taylor, where do chickens come from? Chickens...

I should have clarified that. Chickens do have sex, but I've never seen a chicken... They don't fuck like that. Are you saying that they're asexual and they just create chickens? If you had one chicken, could you repopulate the earth from one chicken? You understand how- What is the purpose of the rooster?

The chicken or the egg is. You have just answered the oldest philosophical question. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? You're like, eggs don't even fucking matter. Eggs are for show. This is great because this would have actually known the answer to this because he had all those chickens in his back. Well, he used to.

As everyone knows, I could have 12 chickens out of my fridge right now. I just go leave them under a nice warm towel, right? And then three to five hours later, a baby chick emerges. That's how it works. That's how it works. I thought it was a chicken bumps into a wall, and then it becomes two. So they just, like mitosis? Yeah, absolutely.

You just hit a wall, and then it's like, ah! People sell organisms, people. I don't understand the confusion chicken it's gonna lay the eggs regardless but what does chicken sex look like is it like doggy style that's how I picture it yes no but the hen lies back the hen lies back on her back

the male props one leg up so you can get a good shot at the action you know you've seen this position. Yes, they do a doggy style. All animals do a doggy style. Kyle, Kyle, not all animals because I got all kinds of positions. I think chickens do.

The other option was some sort of clam, like very long penis that works its way to the other bird. If you had told me that, I might have bought it because ducks have that corkscrew thinking. That's what ducks do. If any of us... They stand next to each other bird. If you had told me that, I might have bought it, because ducks have that corkscrew thingy. Yeah, because that's what ducks do. I think if any of us... They stand next to each other and face each other

and the penis is looping around? No, they still get into a doggy-style position. No, that's how I do it. If any of us had said anything about this confidently, I think the other three would have believed it. I think so. Any one of us would have just been like, oh, guys, you are so stupid don't you understand

the chicken's penis is located in its beak so what happens is the female chicken lies down the male chicken that's why they call it chicken head because they go like this in order to fuck so the other three of us would just be like yeah that sounds right that's why they call it the pecking order it's very that may be the dumbest thing I've ever said on screen chickens don't fuck

and then just oh of course they do you retard oh that's funny Kyle you need to fix your webcam you know i bought a new webcam i haven't tried it yet it's a razor kayo i don't know if it's any good but it has a light so that i can have better lighting i just do the i just use the one that's on my laptop like i haven't uh but i don't i also don't do this all the time what that's what i do when I'm in a seedy motel

dude let's talk about the Trump quote from today I guess they were trying to figure out like how many people they should let in from Haiti and I don't know Costa Rica and a bunch of those other weird countries I don't think weird is the word he used

shithole country so if I have it right he said why are we letting all these people in from these shithole countries? Why don't we let people in from, like, the Netherlands, where I guess he had met with a Netherlander back then. No, he said Norway, which is part of why it makes it so ridiculous, because Norway used to be the shithole country of Europe. Like, that used to be the country before they discovered oil. That was a very, very poor country, and everyone else in Europe was like, we don't want any of these Norwegians, we want people from these other

richer countries. And then Norway is fucking loaded now, and it's gorgeous, and everybody looks like Thor and Giselle, and they were just like, we should have more of them come here. I mean, to be fair, when you see the kind of people who live in like Norway, Sweden, and Finland,

of course you're going to be like, send more of them over. They do seem like the master race, right? They somehow improve our genetic stock as a nation. There was a guy like 80 years ago who agreed. Alright, slow down with that master race talk. We are friends here tonight, okay? Hold on a second. Look, in our regular meetings,

in our regular meetings, I mean, I'll be right with you, my hero, but Steve was on the extermination how fucked up things have to be for Kyle to be the one to step in and be like whoa whoa whoa too much

race talk guys we're just warming up in our chat rooms Woody's username is zyklon b oh my god trump said why do we need more haitians take them out and just knocked a microphone anyway yeah he said take him out and um he just doesn't want haitians and i thought there were a couple other countries they were looking at gave me the news i thought that it meant that there was an audio clip and when it i found out that there's not i was my hopes were dashed a little bit but yeah still fucking hilarious and it's it's so wrong on so many levels but like the most wrong one is people from like nigeria and shit who are from those

countries and actually emigrate here or immigrate here like they they have higher college degree rates than people who are from here like they made it here because they're generally pretty smart and well educated well you didn't hear hold on you didn't hear the whole quote the whole quote he was like we don't need people from these shithole countries like Haiti and Mississippi and Alabama

Missouri and Wyoming and Montana and listed like 30 of the states that have but I heard it and people who watch the show a lot know that I'm not I'm not really pro-Trump but is he wrong?

I'll just pose the question wait morally wrong? obviously he's morally wrong but I'm not worried about that this painkiller already I'm, obviously he's morally wrong, but I'm not worried about that. This is painkiller already. I'm worried if he's actually wrong. Would it be better to have immigrants from Norway or whatever?

Because it doesn't really matter where they're from. We just want the best people, right? And so he's right in that there are some countries out there that are objectively shitholes. They are shitholes where Like, they are shitholes. Like, where nobody wants to live there. The people who live there, like, don't want to live there. But, like, if you get Kyle would say Ireland.

But if you, like, are getting people from Nigeria or Ethiopia, like, you're gonna get, more likely than not, higher educated people from there. Right? Well, did you see, hold on, did you see the tangent that Phil Mudd went on, right? Well, did you see, hold on, did you see the tangent that Phil Mudd went on on CNN? So, Phil

Mudd, I guess he's a correspondent for CNN, so he, well, I saw it because it was on Twitter, it was like, it was blown up on Twitter, where he went through this whole thing about how, like, and it was amazing, because he used the word shithole on CNN a whole bunch, and it's not like anyone can really get mad at him, because it's like, well, that is presidential.

He is reporting the news. Right. And so he just went off and basically was like, my family were Irish and Italian immigrants. And when they came over, their countries were the shithole countries. And then a bunch of Chinese people came over and a bunch of Japanese people came over. And when that happened, their countries were the shithole countries and he basically went through this whole thing about how the the people who have helped build our build our country at the time came from what would have been considered shithole countries and that's

what makes us so fucked up I mean maybe he's wrong the point that there are everybody knows that there are shithole countries out there that you wouldn't want to live in like would you want to live in. Like, would you want to live in Somalia? No, because it's kind of a shithole. It's insanely dangerous, and it's not safe. I also wouldn't want to live where any of the three of you live.

What a ridiculous comparison. Come spend 30 minutes. No, my point is, I wouldn't want... You think I haven't... I'm a fucking road comic. You think I haven't traveled? Oh, have you played Mogadishu yet? No, you fucking haven't. You're lying. I'm not saying I haven't traveled there. I'm saying I've traveled to where the fuck...

That's the same as those pirate countries where they sail out... I didn't say... Stop saying the thing I didn't say as if I said it. I'm saying... You know the way. I'm saying that I also... Look, given a choice, would I live in St. Louis over Mogadishu? Absolutely. Given a choice, would I live in L.A. over St. Louis? Yeah, that's why I fucking live in L.A. and not St. Louis. My point is that different people don't want to live in different places for different reasons, and I get that a lot of these places that he's saying, yeah, the situation is situation is kind of horrible there but we're part of why we we are part of why a lot of those economies are destabilized we're part of why like baghdad in the 1950s was fucking bawling have you seen pictures of it like have you seen what

that region looked like in the 1950s before we got involved too yeah well those iran pictures aren't 100 accurate because you'll always see those where they're like, back in the 70s, fucking chicks in bikinis walking around. It's like, well, in the very, very progressive urban area, yeah, but you go 20 miles out east and they're wearing the burqas. Oh, Missouri's the same way. Missouri's the same way. St. Louis and outside of St. Louis are very different from each other. Right, right. There's that place with the nice library parking lot, but then you go to Ferguson 20 miles away. st louis and outside of st louis are very different from each other right yeah there's

that place with the nice library parking lot but then you go to ferguson 20 miles away yeah the the idea like look it's a it's a it's a shitty thing and like the idea of we're supposed to be the country that like help we can't be the country that helps people and takes people in and also be the country that says we only want the aryan race which is basically no actually what you'd say is we want the best immigrants so like it doesn't matter where you're picking from if the highest quality person to let in is from nigeria he's like a chemical engineer or something bring that guy over you know don't know they're kind of doing that now and I don't know if they're wrong I'm afraid I'm going actually politics not comedy here but they're they're like DACA DACA is good right you know you know why because it's kids who were brought here who are either still students or employed who have a high school diploma

and something else oh no criminal records right oh I thought DACA was the name of one of the immigrants I apologize no it's the it's when they bring the kids in and then you know now if they i know what it is i'm being a dick if they meet these qualifications they get to stay and it's like oh i kind of like that instead of just like give us your tired your poor whatever why not give us your educated your overachievers you're tall you're good lookinglooking that you know they say they just say give us give us your well-rested your middle class Upper class why are you shooting so low? Why yeah? Why is why would a country want to bring in people who aren't gonna be productive and helpful like?

Japan isn't like oh bring that guy over here. He we need a little more diversity It's like now if you have first of because they speak Japanese there and not just monster movie. Which is part of what they're saying. Oh, fuck! Oh, bring us your Godzilla! Like, that was a great impression. You bring a shit! I get what you're saying, but the whole reason, the whole premise of the

do unto others idea is the, you know, it goes back to the reason most of us are here are because at one point, our ancestors, our forebearers, whatever the fuck you want to call them, the people with our genetics who fucked a long time ago, those people needed a place to go. And they were not necessarily the best of the best. They just needed a place to go. And then were not necessarily the best of the best. They just needed a place to go. And then that's why we're here. So the premise of closing the door the second you get into a room and not letting anybody else in, that's why it's a big move. It's been a few hundred years. Yeah, I'm okay with that

actually. No, no, I just want that. I don't want to close the door. I want to put a filter on it. Lock it. Lock it. Put the deadbolt. Shut the blinds too. No, you know what? Leave the blinds wide open so they can see what they're missing out on. The deadbolt. Shut the blinds, too. You know what? Leave the blinds wide open so they can see what they're missing out on. I like that. Kyle's door looks like, did you ever see I Am Legend?

When Will Smith barricades him and sells him. The gate comes down. That is to Kyle, that is Ellis Island. Absolutely not. Fuck Ellis Island. No, that should be where we bring them to get the lice off and then pick and choose and the rest go back in the ocean don't even put them on look i do agree with the idea of there should be qualifications to get in

um you know and that is why i am in favor of daca and that is why i think that is why i think deporting someone who's been here for 25 years and has never committed a crime and is paying taxes and is like Supporting their local economy and be like, you know, we've had enough out of you All the stuff you're doing that our citizens don't do, you know, I and that's why I think that that's pointless and stupid But at the same time like we do, you know It certainly shouldn't be judged based on what country you happen to where you're where your parents agree it should all be qualifications it should be if you're useful and you're going to be a productive member of this economy in our society who's going to you

know be valuable here then yeah it doesn't matter if you're from somalia or from norway but like there's no reason to just for the sake of it. We need more taxi drivers. Get over here. Come on. More taxi drivers. Those guys always have. They're always from somewhere, right? But that is the. They are from somewhere.

Yeah. Most people are. I was. So I did. I did stand up in Cape Town. And by the way, you talked about never been to Mogadishu. I've been to some shitty ass slums in South Africa. So fuck you with that premise.

Anyway. So. Wait, wait, Oh, big difference! No! Wait, but real quick, like, after the... Hold on a second. Have you seen the shit that's outside of Cape Town? You're talking about a big difference? Have you seen that? Oh, no, I'm just asking, like, how long did you traipse through the slums taking in the culture?

Or did you, like, just kind of look over the wall of where you were staying and go, Jesus! But I didn't even get out of the car. My point is, and obviously I wouldn't want to be there. But my point, anyway, the point is, so when I was in Cape Town, I was taking Ubers a lot because they cost like a dollar there. They're actually literally, there's a $2 US minimum. And most of the time, like it was only two bucks because I wouldn't have hit the minimum and so i was taking ubers there and i was talking a lot of the drivers because i was kind of fascinated by it and i also wanted to learn about the culture

because like i gotta do stand-up i gotta see what people relate to and like all these guys were you know there's one guy who was telling a story about how like he came from congo and he hasn't seen his family in 14 years and he's trying to get enough money to get them out and all this stuff and just this amazing work ethic and I'm just thinking to myself, well my opener was about how I don't like kids so how do I

just go up there, hey aren't kids the worst? I haven't seen my family in 14 years. Oh, I would do anything to see them again. Yeah, I should see them in real life. Thanks for coming, guys. Hard to be relatable. I would have to send many gorilla hands to get out of the country.

Many gorilla hands. Goddamn government made it illegal. So now I drive a taxi. Yeah. It was one of those things, one of the guys that I was talking to, just hearing him talk about work ethic, I wanted to just be like,

can I bring this guy into the States with me? Can I find a job for him? Because it sounds like he would be really good at whatever the fuck I asked him to do. Maybe, as long as you asked him to drive a taxi. Right? This was a guy that seemed like he would study. Or lop off gorilla hands.

Look, this was not the gorilla hand guy, okay? Oh, how do you know? Did you ask? I... Did you ask? You know what? It's my fault. My bad. I fall on my sword. I never asked whether or not he lops off gorilla hands with his sword.

So I don't know for sure. Oh my god. You know what I like about being on this show? You get in and you tell him where you want to go and I can just so picture him turning around and going, do you know the way? You don't get that meme, but you shouldn't because it's

fucking stupid. Do you know the way? There's nothing to get, right? There's absolutely something to get. I'm getting on VRChat tonight. I'm so into it now, now that I understand it and now that I've seen enough videos of it. So there's this thing called VRChat, Steve, where

these degenerates go into a virtual world where everybody's walking around as an avatar. And you can be pretty much anything imaginable. Like there's whole hordes of Hank Hills from King of the Hill. There's like a Hank Hill army? Yeah, literally a Hank Hill army. And they will surround you and interrogate you about what kind of grill you use. And if you don't say propane, they're like, get him!

And they just mob you, making awful noises. VR chat is like, someone needs to be studying it. Because you could learn something about the human race. This is the future. There are thousands of people walking around and just being real degenerate weirdos. And staying in character the whole time. It's bizarre. I did stand-up in VR.

We did a couple of shows and the first time they showed me what it was like, they gave me this little tour and all it is is I'm walking around their fake office building. It's nothing too impressive,

but the idea is they have this nice view and it's like they you know they're on like the 80th the 80th floor or whatever and you see like a ton of stuff you know and it's nice and you know so we basically have this virtual meeting because they're in san francisco and i'm in la and uh afterward i take the helmet off and i'm like just in the fucking VR closet they put me in and I realize like how much worse that is than the fake office that I was just in and I get like you get that emotion of a little sadness

you know a little bit like oh I wish I was still there and I'm here and I realize like I have a really good life like I'm really happy I can't imagine how easy it's gonna be for people to fucking disappear into VR like i wanted to do it in that stupid little closet and i have a good life i like if someone's not happy with what they're like with what they're doing they just come home from work and just fucking unplug or plug in i guess and then they'll just be hank hill for the rest of

the night yeah i i I really like VR. I haven't been playing it lately because I've moved and stuff, but there's a new headset coming out with better resolution. I think that's going to be big for that community because right now it's... Have you ever used it? You used it, right? You went into the Vive?

Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I've done the... They toured me in, like, universes and space stations and all that shit. Yeah, yeah. It's a little bit low res, right? The spatial sort of feel about being in another world is there, but if you look at something close to you,

it's like, ah, this looks kind of low resolution, kind of pixelated, kind of bullshit. So they're upping the resolution. I read 70%. Who knows if that's true or not. That'll be huge. That'll be huge. That'll be huge if it's going up. Because I think right now it's like 2160p or something like that.

Don't quote me on that. And that's low? It is when it's this close to your face. Like there's that pixel density situation. That's true. Yeah, and it's literally an inch. That must be why it takes such a good graphics card, right? Because any graphics card can run 1080p lately.

But you're running two 2160s in this situation because each eye is getting a different, you know, video. Yeah. Yeah. It's a lot of fun to just go in there. And I honestly, like, I've got to go do this VR chat because I think, think like interacting with that bizarre community of people yeah real hoot uh yeah that uh uh the the company that did second life

is like making a vr version of that oh man i've been and yeah i got a i got a tour from them on that one and that was just fucking crazy dude second life so all right first of all let me ask you're not in a Life, are you? You don't have a Second Life. You don't do that. Come on. How many times have I been on this show? Of course I have a Second Life.

No, I don't have a Second Life. It's the most pathetic thing in existence. Why is Second Life so much more pathetic than other games? Because it is online role-playing. Not about a fantasy world. Hang stick with me here this isn't like so when i play skyrim i might be uh an elf with a boat who's an archer and a mage and that is so much cooler than pretending whatever second life is they're pretending they're an accountant with a big house accountants are badass we've covered this they're like they're pretending like they are actual people with good lives it's the most pathetic thing ever it's

to like role play world war ii commando killing nazis for 10 minutes a night these people are spending huge amounts of real dollars first of all like like you can train you can it's a currency now like almost like bitcoin the second life currency it's they're they're spending their they're spending this time uh you know pretending they have like families and like people love them yes like that's i mean that's not like it's sad that they're in a situation where like that makes them happy but i get why it does like look kyle you gotta realize every one of us on this show is doing well right you're doing well you know you can afford 7 000 guns sure doing you you could you could use some of your guns to blow up the rest of your guns and still have a lot of guns so you're doing great yeah we're

all very fortunate here yes yeah so my point is that like it's it's someone who hates their job who hates their life who hates their family who just hates the situation they're in and it's escape it's the same thing it's the same thing as reading a book or watching a show it's them disappearing into something else and it's no different than like when people get obsessed with volunteering for their church or the local school board or whatever community organization. I'm not saying they're not, but it's human nature. It's what people are into. And by the way, so Chiz just said, but you're actually helping people in those instances. That depends what you're actually helping people in those instances that depends what what you're actually doing like there are people who are obsessed with like enforcing the school board

like the local traffic laws and shit like the people who are i haven't done second life or paul modders my impression of it is it's just people want to be part of a community and that circles back to what you're saying about being in the church or being in the school board or being whatever people are joiners a lot of us and they just want to be part of a community they want to matter there are two instincts in life and it is survival and mattering and it that's it those and survival can be survival of you or can be survival of the species or your clan or whatever it is but it's survival and it's and it's feeling like you matter and that everything that people do from being a complete and utter asshole and selfish to

being completely altruistic is all based on matter. Do we have the technical capabilities to play a bit of this video? You'd be asking Chiz. Chip? Chip's ahoy? I feel like I should tell everyone.

As we covered sort of briefly glossed over, the first 15 minutes of this show, it was stuttering and it was terrible and I was flipping out because I couldn't fix it. Whatever, it was bad. So I rebooted. I made the recording in code with my graphics card. Took some load off the CPU. Everything was great for about an hour and a half, at which point it just crashed.

Boom. Crash-a-roo. And Chiz denied for a while that he was actually recording it. He was supposed to be backing it up. And I'm like, Chiz, you're actually recording? Thank God you have a backup. And he's like, well, um, in a different universe or something. A little sneaky Chiz with that.

Yeah. So Chiz is producing this show now because my production crashed. The problem is you shouldn't have been trying to do this on your phone. Why didn't you say that before we started? I don't know. I've been using this computer for years. It's time for a new one.

Quick poll here. Quick poll here, guys iphone or samsung i have a samsung okay so i'm not on either side of the bed where are you steve so i have an iphone i i'm not like devoted to it i am used to it and so it's easier for me to use and like if i try to use a samsung there'd be a huge learning curve because everything's fucking different but like I posted I posted something on my Twitter the other day like

mentioning about like something about an iPhone like having an iPhone like in the joke it revealed that I had an iPhone and I can't tell you how many fucking people came at me like I had just told them that like i

was a white supremacist or like just the idea of like how could you not know this it's 2018 you know just freaking the fuck out and like i don't understand why people get so invested in the product that someone else has bought what the fuck do you care that i don't know what are they doing with their phones that's so important anyway they all make fucking phone calls send text messages and watch youtube videos right like they all do the basic shit but only the iphone lets you look like an alien no my phone does that shit that shit too when i went to go get a new phone like eight months ago or whatever like i was gonna i was just like oh maybe I'll get an iPhone this time, and then I was looking at it, and I'm like, oh, this is the one without a, without a headphone jack. No. Yes, you're right. No, I want a headphone jack, and the lady at the store was like, well,

actually, you, you plug this in, and it's a, it's, it converts it into a headphone. I'm like, yeah, it's a dongle. Like, it's in the late 90s. Like, that's so inconvenient. Like, that was literally my deciding factor. I want a headphone jack. The way you do that is you just have that thing plugged into your headphones. I will lose that and then I'll have to go pay $20 for another one.

People are like, oh, just get Bluetooth headsets. It's like, oh yeah, I won't lose those immediately. I will lose those for sure. I've got a Bluetooth headset. I love it. I've got the Parrot. The Parrot, okay. I think yours is better than mine. Mine was like $280.

Yours is like $350 or something like that. Or maybe more. They're incredible. What happens when Taylor takes his headphones out, he throws them. He takes them apart and throws pieces around the room. I'll never need these again! Oh, shit!

Let's watch this video, Chiz, and look at how pathetic these Half-Life people are. By the way, they're being trolled by this guy named Daniel from SL. What he's done here, just a little background, this Daniel guy who's streaming this live for all of his viewers, of course, has

interloped into their fictional biker club which is housed in a fictional virtual mansion and these upstanding virtual citizens in Half-Life are infuriated. Alright, let's give it a go.

I'll count it down. So I'm at 229. Yep. 3, 2, 1, play. give it a go. I'll count it down. So I'm at 229. Yep. 3, 2, 1, play. Is there a problem? Yeah, there is a fucking problem. You fucking personally threatened me, asshole. This is her fucking house, you dumbass. No, you don't seem to understand.

No, you don't. You've been banned from the fucking STEM. Yeah, someone gave me the TP. You're so full of shit, you motherfucker. And you threatening my wife Is there a problem or- Virtual wife Listen, prick, this is Chris in my house Daniel, you need to get out from upstairs and get back down

It's okay Well, in someone's private residence No, it's not me Hey, what is this place? Get out of that bedroom They're so mad Leave now, you little prick Could someone IM me the situation here? The situation is you and your buddy need to leave They're so mad. Wait, can we pause for a second? 3, 2, 1, pause.

I love that because of the animation, the big giant biker guy is just swinging his arms like, weeeeee! I'm gonna kick your ass! Like he's shy, you know, he's being coy. I like the pregnant woman. That's my

favorite part of it so far, is the pregnant woman avatar. She's really committing. In real life, she's barren. So in second life... In second life, she's as fertile as, you know, Mesopotamia. It's like in Game of Thrones. You know, Bran always dreams of walking.

You know, you always want to do what you can't do. Like, what do you want to bet that that big biker guy in real life is like, you know, 5'1"? No bet. No bet. 3, 2, 1, play. I know what way.

What the fuck don't you understand? Get the fuck out. Show up in my private house and your ass is grass, I'll just tell you. You piece of shit, and when I come back there, you're fucking in shit, man, I'm telling you. You are not allowed to go to people's private home uninvited. Wait, but why not? Why not? Common sense, fucker. Oh my god, are you fucking retarded?

What does it take? If you're not invited into someone's home, get the fuck out and stay out. Okay, who is Samerson? Oh, he's one of my friends. I invited him. You need to fucking leave and quit inviting people to other people's homes, dickhead. What you don't understand is that you're a fucking retard and you need to fucking leave and take your goddamn goons with you. They're my friends. Well, you're not welcome in this home, so fucking leave.

I was invited here. No, you were not. I love how calm they are he lied to you you're fucking retarded just shut the fuck up and leave he's sitting in the kitchen it's a pretty nice virtual house right we don't give a fuck what you like what you're gonna like is an ass whipping. You're in a private home, motherfucker. Shut the fuck up. Do they not know any other words? They seem quite nice, actually. Can they get him in game or anything?

Or are they just talking tough? I think they're just talking tough. I don't know. Can you fight in second life? Yeah, there's police, too. Are those pretend people? Like, pretend police? Yes, it's bizarre.

Wait, wait, wait. Can we pause? Ready, set, pause. Take a look at like the biker babe who's like 3'2". Yeah, she's great. Do you see her underboob hanging out? Yes, that makes her great. Yeah.

Okay. Those are guys. There's so much to talk about here. The idea of, like, threatening someone. Like, we're going to kick your ass when you can't. Like, when there's literally no way to reach this person, to know where they are. Like, what?

I'm siding with you about the pathetic thing right now uh the and the idea of her literally like all she's saying because this is a real human being on the other side of this like this is an actual person who's sitting at home or at the public library where she has internet you know just sitting there somewhere just using the word retarded a thousand times as if like each time she use it it's suddenly gonna have meaning and gonna have some big effect and he's gonna be like oh wait she called me retarded i'm sorry i'm gonna i'm gonna go you know this was all wrong i apologize i didn't mean to you have a lovely home i I'm very sorry. Yeah, the way that they could have got rid

of him is just being like, oh yeah, you're welcome to hang out. And then you'd be like, this is boring. I gotta go find somewhere where people are gonna get pissed. But he traipses into the Sons of Anarchy Tavern or whatever the fuck this is. Which, by the way, also, I love that the bikers

live in, like like a colonial yeah like they just beat up the fresh prince of bel-air and moved into his estate like yeah it's so pathetic they need to finish it they do right i was thinking that as well like this is pretty barren almost as barren as that six real woman womb. This is just the foyer. There's a lot more. I like that he goes into the nursery. Did you notice that? The room where he's like, hey, what's this room? It was a nursery where you would put like a baby or something.

There's a pregnant woman! I bet there's a creepy dude out there who's just always in that crib going goo goo ga ga. Ehhhhhhhhh. like he's just laying there pretending to be the baby and they pick him up and carry him around oh can we do an episode of

PKA from Second Life we absolutely could can we do that please I would totally be in I'll make a second life character i oh my god but can we make our characters that are all exactly like us so there's no fucking point of doing it i would love that a lot but i want to know no our second i want to be our bigger no our second life characters are bigger losers than we are in real life it's not like another

way yeah it goes the complete other way. I'm going to make mine, mine's just going to be a giant forehead. The whole character. My guy is going to be a character all of his income comes from pilfering bottles and cans and then taking like biannual trips to Michigan.

It's going to be a great character. The stage rate's outstanding! And that's all I talk about are the cans! it's gonna be a great stage rates outstanding and that's all I talk about are the cans you gonna finish that you finish with that got an empty there I was a poor enough kid

that my parents like my parents whenever we went to like a fairground or anything like part of our job I was you know I had three siblings and part of the job of the four of us were to go around and find cans and collect them so we could return them later. That was part of my childhood.

Jesus. Did you hunt for your own food? When was the first time in your life when you walked by a can and you were like, not today. I'm above this now. The second that my parents didn't make me do that anymore like the second that i was out of the house but yeah the idea of it was always and i remember like it was an exciting day when we would go to like the bottle machine place yeah and like put them all in and then the equivalent for me for that

later on in life was just the coin star yeah you knew you'd made it when you could finally toss an empty bottle into a trash can oh fuck yeah and i was like i just hold it i hold it and i just look at it and i'm like no more no more that's a nickel and then i throw it away a mexican coke bottle too that was seven cents i realize i'm like you know what i jump the gun and then i dive back in and i get it all sticky i'm totally down to fuck around with people on second life dude it's so goddamn pathetic that daniel from sl guy that's all he does he stays incredibly calm very monotone and he trolls these people who take these games incredibly seriously and some of the games i don't know much about half-life so I'm probably speaking out of my ass in that regard. But some of the games, like Second Life,

it's more like Half-Life. Those people actually have half-lives. That's what's going on there. But games like Rust, those people have invested thousands and thousands of hours of time into that game. And that's sort of the currency, if you will. But here, I think they're putting real money into that shit. I think the only reason they have that big house like that's sort of the currency, if you will. But here, I think they're putting real money into that shit. I think the only reason they have that big house like that, the guy was like, it's me and Chrissy's house! I think they

pooled their actual real world dollars together and purchased that mansion so that they could get the rest of their band of fake bikers to hang out there. That's so sad to me. Yeah. If you're gonna pretend to be something,

why go to biker? What is the appeal there? That's what took me out of Sons of Anarchy as a show. I don't know what the appeal of that is in real life either. Yeah. When I watched

Sons of Anarchy, I think I watched the whole series. Throughout it, it'd be like, God, you guys could really be running a much more smooth and efficient criminal enterprise if you didn't overwrite the last most of the world. Yeah, I don't know what's happening right now. We lost you. Hilarious, Taylor. I actually think that that started... Poignant!

That went into, like, land. But I really do think that there needs to be... Because the great thing about Second Life PKA is you could have like you could have rotating guests and like all come in at different points and see who their second lives are

I think it would be a lot of fun I think it's a good idea anything with VR I think would be cool although then we would all need like you know $5,000 worth of equipment for reality. Anything with VR I think would be cool, although then we would all need like $5,000 worth of equipment. I think I'm the only one. I'm definitely the only one who has

any. Do you have a VR sex swing or just a real one? Well, it becomes a VR sex swing when you make the girl wear the headset, so then it looks like Godzilla's fucking her, right? Yeah. Why choose Godzilla, though? You couldn't be the rock?

I like the Japanese voice. Are you Godzilla coming? It's a rib for your pleasure. Or are you that? By the way, that was Russian and not Japanese. No, it's not Russian. It's very hard.

I can't do the Japanese one. It's hard. I lean on Taylor for my Japanese accents. Kyle always approaches Russian. Yes. Woody always approaches nanotone. Woody's accents

are confusing. He has the nothing accent. This is my Japanese accent. It's so bad. I try so hard, too. And it's like, I'll even prep, right? Like, all right, all right,

I'll get to a Japanese. And then the second I start, I get this stage fright. I don't know how to say it or what to say anymore. It's just gone. Yes. Because the trick with it is you have to think of something to say

in the accent other than this is my blank accent. Of course, I'm being hyperbolic. It's not my thing. Kyle, I think you have something to tell us about. I guess.

And after that, very exciting topic, we're going to get into steve's book which i'm very excited yay can i go pee while you do the ad and then um absolutely you're gonna miss out on some great deals can i can i pee while i talk about my book because that'd be that might be great all right all right if you like a lot of guys you could probably think of a million things you'd rather be doing than shopping for clothes. Between the parking and the crowds at the mall and the endless browsing and lack of advice online, it's enough to make you want to rock that same t-shirt and jeans forever. Woody. But you can't.

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That's a big thing. Zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, zippy, z. It couldn't be less his fault. Yeah, we're just like, ah, this is my Taylor accent. Vroom, vroom, vroom, the boxy shirts. That's the laugh of someone who's very angry. He's going to beat the shit out of Rufus after this show. He's going to go out in the alley like in Clockwork Orange and just pummel him until he's paralyzed. Is Rufus his homeless person?

Yeah, Rufus is the old homeless man who lives outside. He has his own homeless person? Yeah, most people just get a pet, but he's from Missouri, back where that stuff is commonplace. Missouri. Missouri? No, no. I'm from the Missouri part. Yeah, I told you.

My grandparents are from the Missouri. Toity, toity, Missouri. Yeah. He pronounced the I. All of our governors and senators, depending on where they're talking, they go anywhere further than 50 miles miles south of st louis or kansas city and it's like i'm proud to be in missouri you know and then like up in the cities they're like and missouri a wonderful state like it's that same thing that hillary clinton did when

like she and obama remember that speech that she gave like black people she's like and we're tired of being put down by the man and it's like hillary oh she kept hot sauce in her purse or something i didn't know that holy shit oh the yeah it's your radio interview and it's she's on like a black radio station all the hosts are black you know it's and they ask her because she's going after that demo in this location and they ask her like wait what condiment do you uh do you like to use what's your favorite condiment or something like that she's like well i keep hot sauce in my purse and they're like really did you think that was gonna work she's like i hoped it would oh my god yeah she literally

it's it's uncomfortable to watch she so i i the only election I ever voted for her for was against Trump. I voted against her. I even voted against her when she ran for senator in New York. And which, you know, she was running against Rick Lazio, who was completely, you know, wholly unqualified. But I just hate the, she did this thing when she ran for senator where like she had been on record as being a cubs fan and she like started showing up to campaign rallies in a yankees hat and people were like because that was when she was still running against giuliani so giuliani dropped out of the race and giuliani was like a huge

yankees fan he was like at every game that was like his thing and by the way this is before we all found out he was completely batshit like this was when he was still just the guy who was like America's governor no this is when he was the mayor and he was just like you know fucking his

mistress in Gracie mansion and that was like the worst thing he did that was before he was just like, I did nine 11. I mean, uh, I nine 11 was good for my political. Fuck. Like that was before he did all that shit.

Anyway. So, uh, Hillary Clinton started showing up to rallies and Yankees hats. Cause Giuliani was Yankees fan and people asked her and they were like, Hey, aren't you, aren't you a Cubs fan?

Like, why are you suddenly Yankees fan? You just moved to New York and suddenly a Yankees fan? And she, like, had no good answer for it. And she was just like, oh, but I just love the great state of New York. And I was watching this be like, you fucking idiot. If you had at least thrown a Mets hat on, like, there's another demographic in New York that was being underserved.

Like, if you're going to lie, at least lie at least correctly. And so that's when I was like, if she's gonna lie about something this inconsequential, like, if she doesn't have the guts to just be like, yes, I am a Cubs fan, because that is who I grew up watching. But also, I respect the teams that play, you know, like, she could have just done that. She could have picked a different sport, right? She didn't declare allegiance for any other Chicago team. She could have been like, oh, I love the Rangers. You know, when I'm here going to Madison Square Garden, or I love the Jets

or whatever. I don't know what she'd say. But yeah, she'd have been like, I love the Jets. And then people would have been like, oh, she's a loser like me. The Bills? Like, New York has plenty of fucking teams. Like, she could have picked. It's yeah she picks

it was such a dumb it's such a dumb thing but it also like just showed me her character you know but that said i still voted i still voted her i still voted for her over trump in a fucking second aren't there way more yankees fans than mets fans in new york there are not that's what i thought okay well yeah there are there are but it also also, so many people are fair weather sports fans that, like, in that, so the Yankees had a dip before they, you know, before Aaron Judge, before anyone could have guessed that the guy who was monstrously huge could hit home runs. But, you know, before that happened, when it looked like the Yankees were taking a dip and the Mets were in the World Series in 2015, the Mets started eclipsing the Yankees in New York. Like, they had higher ratings for TV. They were selling more tickets, you know, etc. And all these stories sort of been like, oh, it's becoming a Mets town.

And then the Yankees were like, actually, we're not rebuilding. We're going to be in the playoffs again immediately. And then I was like, duh, fuck. Yeah, the Yankees win the series at will. That's how that fucking works. They were supposed to rebuild for a couple of years. We were very excited, and then it didn't happen. Wait, when's the last time the Yankees won?

Won the World Series? Yeah. Eight years ago? I'm going to call it right now. Yankees are winning the series this year. Well, I mean, they did just get Stanton. That's a fucking monster and that's not fair yeah 2009 eight years ago nailed it yeah yeah the phillies yeah it's time it's time

for them to do it again and steinbrenner's gonna ah let's win again and bring my calzone yeah the poor man steinbrenner yeah baseball is just too much too much wait I know you're a huge sports guy Steve yeah like will you sit down and watch the full baseball game and like be really into it the whole time or are you more like in and out kind of um the I actually don't watch a lot of regular season games on TV I rarely watch a regular season game on TV um you know I I like I like seeing the highlights and I like keeping up with it um by the way what do you have a home invader um so water uh so what a very what a nice home invader so uh i you know like i won't sit there and even when i'm at the game like i'll never go to a baseball game by myself you know like i'll always want someone to be there with to you know

hang out and shoot the shit and that's you know kind of part of that you know part i'll always want someone to be there with to you know hang out and shoot the shit and that's you know kind of part of that you know part of part of the fun of baseball is the you know is is doing it with someone i've never understood the people who just like go by themselves that's bizarre event yeah what are things that you do that you are comfortable doing by yourself like when you go to i know you're on the road a lot so it's yeah probably traveling a lot do you go into a restaurant sit down and like oh i go to i go to restaurants for myself all the fucking time even when i'm home like i have no problem with that you know i'm the same way yeah yeah and sometimes and it's funny because people are just like oh i don't want to go to

restaurant by myself what are what are these people gonna think of me it's like no one gives a fuck that you're there like what are you talking about no one's paying attention yeah absolutely absolutely not to me the reason i don't is like i'd rather just do it at home and be more comfortable and like watch tv and like have like a quiet i don't like the loud like ambient noise of a restaurant like if i'm not having a conversation with someone i don't want to be there like there's not a reason for me to be there i don't want restaurant and theorize whether these are the human traffickers or the people that were human trafficked and eat my food. Salsa fresh!

That's the commercial for it, right? Yeah. I actually, I overheard once I was in a coffee shop and I overheard this guy who basically he makes his living setting up immigrants with like they find towns that don't have like a

chinese restaurant and then he like brings people over to like they set up the business and that's part of the fee like the people come and they pay enough to start the business and for this guy to get a commission and then he brings people over and sets it up and that's like what he does and that also answered the question I've always had, which is like, how the fuck is there a Chinese restaurant in every tiny little town in America? And that's how. Because of that guy.

Because of that guy. Johnny Appleseed of Chinese restaurants. Some people say it's Adam Smith's invisible hand in economics. No, it's that guy. It's that guy, whose name, coincidentally, is also Adam Smith, which is weird. The ones who can't cook end up at the Asian bubble spa, Rub and Tug.

There's got to be somebody putting those everywhere. Laundry, that's another popular one. That's the Koreans. Oh. They have a monopoly on that. This is the part of the podcast that I can't say anything

lest I lose a lot of my work. Lest your dry cleaning come back very untidy. Oh, how did he say that to us? I just have to be like, I'm sorry, my headphones cut out just then. I don't know. We're going to talk about how the aborigines haven't evolved for the last 50,000 years. But you got a book, right? Oh, Jesus Christ.

That's the pre-bumper he wanted to that is your Aboriginal thoughts. I have a book and I had a publisher. Thanks for that. It's called Ginger Kid, Mostly True Tales from a Former Nerd. And before everybody comments on it, I know I'm still a fucking nerd. That's part of the joke. You're not original. Former.

Yes, that's part of the fucking joke. Anyway, it's a book. It's about, it's basically about being, it takes you through my high school years. And it's about, you know, a bunch of short stories about, you know stories about being bullied in high school and how I found comedy as a way out. And so it's a book that's kind of designed for anyone who's felt a little less than at some point, like everyone who plays Second Life, apparently. What's the title again? Because I want to look it up real quick. Yeah, it's called Ginger Kid, mostly true tales from a former nerd.

It's for pre-order right now. It comes out March 20th. And actually, what was really cool, and I don't know where it is because it fluctuates a lot, but when we checked this morning, it's already starting to chart on Amazon. And when we checked this morning in, like, the books about bullying,

it was the number one of books that haven't come out yet. So it was, I think, number 32 overall. But, like of of the ones that are like on their way out it was literally number one which i thought was real cool uh and i write and there there's like i went to high school with a couple celebrities and so there are some celebrity stories in there uh yeah there's a i had to change everyone's names i there was one short little story where i didn't have to change his name because it was just a compliment it's i went to high school with lynn manuel miranda and so uh like i just you know there's a there's a fun little story where i reveal that the person i'm talking about is him um but then there's a story where i actually uh someone pulled a knife

on me a couple times and that guy is a famous rapper now wow you'll have to tell us after the show well here's the thing Justin Bieber I changed his name but it's really fucking easy to figure out who I'm talking about paper towels

yeah little paper towels what a dick what a dick that guy is I know you don't want to burn any material from the book, but do you have any, like, previews of, like, a bullying tale? A harrowing tale? Yeah, I could tell

one of the stories. And, you know, it's clearly more, you know, written out in the book. But there was this girl I liked and I didn't do anything i didn't like approach her i didn't like literally i just sat kind of near her in class and like changed the subject whenever her name came up and like that's how people were like oh steve likes her

and so uh anyway she was in the popular click they actually called themselves the click like they named themselves the click and that's the thing when there's like a lot of like rich popular people they can name themselves like i remember like like you can't nickname yourself you know like we had we had a trouble when like ricky wanted to be rick and we're like shut the fuck up you're still ricky you know and so but the but these were people that were just like popular enough and and there were enough of them that they were just like we're the click and we're like i guess you guys are the click and so uh anyway like the the head of that click uh so her name uh her name for the purposes of this

her first name was scarlet and so uh anyway she confronts me in the hallway about you know that i i had the audacity to be an unpopular boy who existed near a popular girl and she confronted me and just dressed me down the whole thing just like you have no business you'll never get a girl like that just yelling at me for like five minutes and then there's this pause where like it's like my turn to talk and i'm like all right well you know i'm quick i could think of something right and every and by then like more and more the grade is just gathering around because it's like holy shit scarlet's murdering steve like what's happening here and it's like in the way of like a zebra documentary you know like when people are just

like this is the point where she eats the zebra. Yeah. And so I have this moment where I'm like, this is where everything's going to change. And I'm going to turn the power dynamic on its head because I'm, you know what? Fuck it. I'm not big. I'm not tough, but I'm quick and I'm funny and I'm going to do this shit. And I, with all the confidence in the world, like it was the best line ever.

She finishes and I go, frankly, Scarlet, I don't give a damn. No one reacts at all. Oh, that was good. It's a Gone with the Wind reference, but a Gone with the Wind reference is not really appreciated by the average 14-year-old. Probably not. Oh, and what did the silence after that feel like? The silence after that was quickly interrupted with people shrugging and walking away. You know?

Well, I guess the zebra did die, you know? Yeah, that was fucking... Here you can see the zebra in its death throes. The final trick. Misses, unfortunately. Here you can see the zebra referencing Vivian Leigh. Fucking terrible. Oh my god.

Yeah, it was awful. And so there was a lot of that. That's a shame. I wish they bought that. I wish the line went over well. Wouldn't it have been good? I thought oh my god. It's a much funnier story that you failed. If you'd given a good

Rhett Butler fucking pow POW right in the kisser and walked away. Maybe that would have done the trick. The thing that made it so bad was that I wish it was going to work. It was like when it came to me, I was like uh, motherfucker.

I got you. I even paused after Scarlet, as in, like, here's the knockout, you know, like, giving the villain a chance to, you know, and I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, and just, yeah.

Oh, man. Man, that is uncomfortable as fuck. I hope there's a lot of stuff like that in the book. I'm gonna pick it up. There's a lot of that. I like the cover art. The cover art's cool, too, yeah. Oh, thank you very much.

Yeah, it's like the whole premise of it is and there are some stories where I win and some stories where I lose, but it's about kind of finding what you're good at and leaning toward that. And the premise, I wanted to call it, my publisher wouldn't let me,

I wanted to call it, it may or may not get better. Oh, Jesus. And they were like, that's a little bit insensitive i was like yeah good point uh you know what howard stern wanted to name his book what i'm comp oh jesus are you serious yeah they wouldn't let him they were like um there's already another book by that name uh he was he was like yeah i know that's the joke i don't think he's gonna complain what's a publisher do for you steve nowadays like like you there's a kindle book you could do that without a publisher right it's also in hardcover but i mean they have a they have a huge marketing

arm so these are the this is abrams they're the people who did and it's under amulet they're the people who did a wimpy. And they're basically positioning this book as, like, the fans of Wimpy Kid have grown up now, and, like, this is the next step. And so the idea is, like, this is what high school is. And so it's, you know, and they get it to, like, they have contacts at, like,

everything from school libraries to bookstores and, you know, all that shit. And also they wrote me a check. So there are a lot of things that they can do. If you are an enormous, enormous, have millions and millions of followers, sure, you probably don't need a publisher, but at the same time,

they're a force multiplier. Whatever I can do promotion-wise, and I'm sure that a lot of why I got this book is because of my social media, but whatever I can do for that you add it to what they can do and they have a marketing budget and a team in place and you know all this shit that i don't have so okay yeah and they also the other thing they did was they made the book a

whole lot better like i i didn't really know how to do a structure of a book this is your first book right uh my first real one you know like i real one. I did one for National Lampoon and that was in between when two CEOs went to prison. So it was like... I caught that nice window. So that didn't really count. They actually

ended up not editing that book because the editor was editing for style and she was putting her own jokes in. And I'm like, I'm a comedian. I was hired to be a comedian. Your jokes are fucking terrible. And I was complaining. And I finally went to the publisher.

And I showed them the difference of two of the pages. And they were like, oh yeah, she's done. And they fired her. And they published it unedited. Which is probably a mistake. But still, they should have hired someone else. But my editor on this book was fantastic. And she really helped craft a narrative.

Like originally it was just a bunch of different stories. It was kind of disjointed. And she really helped craft the whole narrative where people could see like the growth. And there was a lot of like, okay, this is a funny story, but what the fuck did you learn?

You know, like what changed? And so, you know, I was, I was able to, i was able to uh to do that and there's a there's a story of when i when i learned i can't be a baseball player when i give up eight runs in a third of an inning yeah that was until then were you were you pretty yeah i was a pitcher uh i wasn't confident, but I was hopeful. And then I stopped being hopeful. And so there's that. There's also, like, I started, I was in a youth group, and I started getting, like, a little bit of popularity in the youth group. But it wasn't popularity of, like, hey, this guy's cool.

It was popularity of, like, this guy's good with meetings. And so I ran, so I, like, had an elected position. Nobody wants to fuck that guy yeah exactly they were like they're like oh this guy can organize these parties that the rest of us fuck at i'm like okay i'll do that you know the rest of us fuck it yeah so yeah so there was there was there was that and i uh so i ran i was vice president and i was like all proud of myself and then i ran for president and i lost and i was, really good at my job, and I lost to the standard, like, I promise a Coke machine in the cafeteria type speech. Like, it was someone else who had an elected position who was horrible at, and she ran, basically.

Her first line was, like, it was, like, I can tell you my qualifications, but instead of that, I got plans, baby. And immediately I was like, ah, fuck, I'm gonna lose. Like, this is populist drivel that I'm gonna lose. So it's, you know, takes you through all that stuff. I mean, if there's ever a time for ridiculous promises of soda,

it's to get elected. Because you can't do anything as a class president. You're still lower than the lowest janitor. I think you organize the prom or something, right? Even then, it's like you're going to organize the prom under heavy supervision. Yeah, you choose the theme song,

mostly. We want to release doves during it? Yeah. We want open bar and they're like, the prom's at 4pm. Okay. Can't do it. That wouldn't be there.

When we rented our limo for the prom, everyone met at this one girl's house. All the families and everything so we could all pose for pictures by the limo and everything together. There's like eight couples in our limo together. together so there's like eight couples in our

limo together something like that and um so eight families or 16 families or whatever the fuck you know it's georgia so 14 families something like that but it's also georgia so technically that was only eight families the joke and then and like as they um as we drive down the driveway leaving i'm like oh stop here by my truck. I need to get something. And I've got the biggest bottle of absolute vodka in existence under my tuxedo. It was like the promo one from the window of a liquor store. Yes.

It was like you would put it up on your shoulder and walk out with it like it's the water bottle from an office. Oh, like the Crystal Geyser guy? Yes. It was like the crystal geyser guy? Yeah. It was like, party's arrived! But we got in the limo and it was so cool. You know, a lot of limos have, already have like whiskey and a vodka bottle in there, like a crystal bottle that they'll pour liquor

into. They had like that much liquor already in there for teenagers, like ready to roll, like leftover from the last people. And we're like, holy shit, there's, yeah, that's Crown Royal. Who wants Crown? I got vodka, but who wants Crown? By the time we got to the prom, we were shit-faced.

All of us were fucked. But we had a couple, one of the teachers who was like supervising the prom, because teachers have to do that, we had her son in the car with us so we're safe as can be Ben stumbles in there hey mom fuck get in get in here come on come on come on like everybody

oh because if she if she nailed you guys she'd have to rat him out too yeah yeah she'd have to kick her own son out of prom and that's shitty how did the prom go? That fucked up. You know, it was fine. He has no idea. I remember, I was,

you know, I was a 17-year-old who could handle my liquor, even though I'm not a 30-year-old who can handle my liquor. We had one of the stories from the book was my mother had this way of, like, looking at things where she's like, how can I take this thing that we're doing and make it much more dangerous if we save a little bit of money? And so we had a school bus.

Everybody was bussed on these small buses because we went to high school in Manhattan, and we were from all over the city. And so it was bussed by region region like what neighborhood you lived in and so she called first she we had a directory of everyone in high school she calls every single family from Queens and it was like hey would you like to save a little bit of money by doing this busser and like so now every fucking family in my high school is like oh hey your mom called me like every single one from my high school yeah she can't get enough she keeps calling me and then uh the bus she ended up she ended up getting enough people for this bus but it was so fucking dangerous so the woman who drove it was a crazy person and then her nephew like he used to

pick us up like a half hour early and speed through traffic because there was some nurse he wanted to fuck on the bus like as soon as he dropped us off that was our that was our bus driver and so there was one day where he decided uh like someone threw a snowball at our bus and he was like and you know and so we're all yelling ah fuck you you know and he goes you should get him and we're like oh, ah, fuck you, you know. And he goes, you should get him. And we're like, oh, okay. You know, we kind of look at each other. We all run off the bus to chase this kid. He's running through the neighborhood.

We're running after him. And suddenly we look around and we're like, fuck, we're in the Grant housing projects. Like, that's Harlem. We're in the Grant projects in Harlem. We're like, we're going to fucking die. And so we just jet back to the bus. And he's laughing his ass off. Like in the, hey, you know these kids? I was in charge of your

safety. You guys almost got yourself killed. That would have been hilarious. You guys just chased someone into housing projects. Wasn't that the best little prank? So yeah, there's a lot of stories like that. I like that you guys had absolutely no reaction to that. You really set me up for success there

I appreciate it I never know when I can jump in without it going yeah I'm trying to think if I have anything similar there was nothing worse than having your first impression with someone at school be because your mom

contacted their mom beforehand they're like uh there was a girl and that was new to our school in high school and she was very cute and i kind of had a little crush on her and like when i introduced myself to her like i was like hey i'm taylor and she goes oh yeah my mom talks to your mom like she introduced me and i was like oh my god it's already over it's already over she undoubtedly said something embarrassing well I'll have my mom

tell your mom that I want to feel your boobs I'll just pass my mom a note in class I had a girlfriend that my mom got me wait what I gotta hear this i i was a wait was this a was this a doll i was a junior in high school and she was a sophomore and my mom was like you should go out with marcy like i have a friend whose daughter would be perfect for you

and i thought well like it beats what i have now which is nothing so I guess I'll meet her but I'm already dating Patty and I actually kind of thought there's no way my mom would have a friend who has a daughter who's cool enough for me and I met her and Marcy was beautiful and my mind quickly switched to

there's no way Marcy would go out with me why am I set up for such failure we went out for a couple months I took her to my prom fucker no I didn't but I would have I was willing slide a couple into the pocket

I don't know I definitely hooked up with her I definitely touched her boob I'm not sure if I got there what did he say I was talking was willing but the flesh was spongy and bruised. I'm not sure if I got that. What did he say? I was talking. I said that line from Futurama. The spirit is willing but the flesh is spongy and bruised.

So you definitely got a little tit touch. For sure. Maybe even more. But I definitely didn't have any sex with her. Oh, that's why we broke up actually. I've told this part of the story before, but... When you broke up because you didn't have... Okay, sorry.

I'm just trying to compete. Yeah, watch. This comes through. So in my high school, back in the day when pictures were printed on physical medium, everyone would bring their prom pictures to school the day like there's a promise on the weekend like by monday you'll have them developed and everyone would be like ah these are our prom pictures this is you know they talk about classes were practically shut down

the first 20 minutes of every class was people showing their prom pictures i had pictures of her the next morning and she had pictures of me the next morning both our parents took them as kind of a goof like look how exhausted they were somehow and i swear to god i'm innocent on this it got out that i claimed we had sex and that's why like i had pictures of her the following morning i didn't say that and i didn't do that and um she broke up with me for like pretending we had sex but i'm actually innocent. And that was the end of our relationship. And so here's the thing, though. You should have sex because double jeopardy.

You can't be prosecuted for the same crime twice. I can't argue with that. Well, Marcy, now that everybody believes it, how about we jump on down to the multi-professionals? If you're watching, Marcy, and I know you are, uh... Marcy, if you're watching, if you're watching, Marcy, and I know you are, because let's face it, things haven't worked out for you. So, ever since you left Taylor... Taylor, by the way,

a multi-millionaire. Yes, as far as you know. But married, right? You're married, right? Oh, no, no, sorry, not Taylor. Woody, I mean. Yeah, yeah. I was just telling Marcy to fuck Taylor. Yeah, I was like, I don't know where he's going with this, but I guess it's fine.

Yeah, like, I can't do anything anyway. Yeah. Do you have... Yeah, so... Jesus Christ. What the fuck? You can't just throw that in the comments and have a reaction to it.

Holy shit. He just wrote the worst thing anyone's ever written. Were you kidding or are you serious? Yeah, her life took a turn. Jesus Christ, we can't joke about this now. Oh, we can. I mean,

I mean maybe you can't say that there's a reason I put it in private maybe you were last chance Woody what'd you say I said maybe Woody you were last maybe that's when the life took a turn

after that rumor spread right maybe everybody thought she was a slut because you told people i tell anyone that yeah did you ever see what's amazing is that your life is basically did you ever see the pilot of 90210 no your life is basically the plot of that so i mean i guess you, I guess you guys are younger than me. So you probably wouldn't have seen this. So I was, I think, like 11 when that show came out.

So the pilot was he meets this girl at a party. This is Jason Priestley's character. He meets this girl at a party. They talk all night. And someone is like, hey, heard you got with whatever her name was. And, like, hey, heard you got with whatever her name was. And what happened? And he goes, you know, I did something that a lot of guys couldn't have handled. And that was supposed to be the...

And then everybody's like, oh, so you fucked? He's like, no, that was a cute way of saying we talked all night. But it just got around. And that was the plot of the first episode, basically. Except that probably worked out. In the end. Woody's situation did not. I gotta roll back

like three minutes. You said you maybe touched your boobs a little bit and you called that hooking up. I did, yeah. Hooking up is making out or more. No, hooking up is having sex.

It's a regional thing. Yeah. He's from New York. It's a regional thing. Hooking up is making out or more. Well, now we have a new subject for one of those straw polls. All right, everyone listening.

Hooking up means, A, hooking someone in their vagina or b as little as making out but to be fair kyle it doesn't necessarily around it's it's any kind of sex so i would say oral sex or anal sex or vaginal sex any kind of insertion of penis into a hole constitutes a hook up so is it that or is it anything more than making out? You're saying hooking up is third base or more. Which, by the way, is another conversation. What are the... What do you find the bases to be? Because some people have

really fucking weird interpretations of the bases. Yeah. I think the bases are... Bases are making out, boobs, pants, fucking. Yeah. Right? Yes. Some people do it differently. They do making out

pants oral fucking. Is that first, second, third, and fourth? How many bases are we working with here? Four, right? Yeah, but then there's also like... Okay, then there's a sacrifice bunt. Wait, what?

That's when you create your ejaculate. No, no, no. Sacr sacrifice bunt. Wait, what? That's when you premature ejaculate. No, no, no. And then that's over. Sacrifice bunt is when you move the runner over. So sacrifice bunt is like your buddy's making out with somebody, and then you are a wingman taking one for the team, and because of that, he can get to second base.

And therefore, so it's sacrifice bunt. That makes perfect sense. Okay. Premature ejaculation is a foul ball. No, it's swinging ahead of the pitch. It's the... Strike one. It's strike one. You swung before the pitch. I can see both working.

But what is... Is third base down the pants or oral? Some people think third base is oral sex. Third base is... No, that's sliding in head first. No. I've just seen that por No, that's sliding in headfirst. No. I've seen that porno. With the guy with the shaped head.

Third base is below the pants, is anything below the pants, and oral sex is sliding into third headfirst. Makes perfect sense. I don't like this defining of areas between the bases. It's too complicated. I'm not defining between the bases.

I'm using baseball terminology. You go to third, but you go to third head first. Therefore, you're going down on somebody. Taylor has a much more difficult... It's hard to get around the bases in Taylor's world. What? Because making out is first, right? Heavy petting is second because that's third in my world.

And then oral is third. That's not even a base in my world. And then oral is third. That's not even a base in my world. And then sex is... You know what, Woody? There aren't many triples hit these days. It's hard to hit a triple. You've got to get a real speedy... And an underage girl has some power.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Underage girl is people. Yeah, yeah. Hey, don't laugh. You coached a lot of Little League in your day. I've heard the stories. I've heard the stories. I've heard the stories. And, you know, sometimes you would just supervise.

You'd coach. You'd wave the guy on into third or whatever, you know. Get in there, little man. Please tell me, Kyle. Please tell me that none of what you just said are euphemisms. Absolutely none of it. No, no. I'm talking about Woody. Actual coaching.

No, no, I'm talking about Woody filming child porn, of course. And coaching the children along through their sex acts while he adjusted his focus. And my camera went in and out of focus as I twisted the lens so it was perfect. That was nice. Nicely done. Now that we're all on the same page. You've seen the butterfly effect, right? Look, head first slide is

very descriptive. You could use it for second base also. Right? What's grounding out? What is grounding out? Grounding out is from even going to first. So it's like a weak hit off the pitcher. Is it like you have to take a shit? That's when she gets her period

hey you know what that doesn't stop a real ball player you know what a real ball player goes hey there's a couple elements out here we're playing with a wooden bat I'm not going to be struck by lightning give it a go period is a rain delay that's all that is

no it's not even a rain delay you play through Taylor plays in the, it's not even a rain delay. You play through. Taylor plays in the rain. The field gets a little bit muddy. Like Woody's always saying to his girls, there's no crying in baseball. Wipe those tears away, you little bitch. It's important in anal.

My customers don't like to see that. You want to be in the other tape? You want to be in the other kind of tapes I make then wipe those tears away I think grounding out is you're trying to get to first and you're thrown out flying out means

you came closer you had a better chance grounding out means you didn't even get past a pickup line. You got like, introducing yourself and she made it clear immediately. That's completely striking out. No, grounding out is like you lean in for a kiss and she gives you a hug.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Do one of those. If she's passed out, it's a walk. It's the... A walk? That's stealing a base. That's stealing a base. That stealing a base So four balls is when you get your buddy in while she's passed out

I'm following Now I see what you're saying This is that New England stuff you're talking about There are baseball descriptions for everything What would ass eating be? What would ass eating be? Baseball descriptions for everything. What would ass-eating be? What would ass-eating be? Yeah, baseball terminology.

Playing for the Pirates. Playing for the Pirates. I was trying to think of a pun to do with dugout. Yeah. So ass-eating, I mean, it is a base. It is, but it's like, I think it's like a big a big lead off a third i feel like that would be where the shortstop stands right no that's between second and third no ass eating is after third if that's even after yeah you're right hey hey i got one i got one

a suicide a suicide squeeze is when you grope a dead girl. Oh my god. What is a suicide squeeze in baseball? I don't even know that. A suicide squeeze. That's when you got to get on the third. It's kind of like bunting the runner over, but it's a very specific circumstance. What's the infield fly rule? That's very apt. Well done. By the way, I also love you said when and not if.

Of course. You're that way. We're talking about baseball euphemisms for sex. She's like, hold up a sign like, stop! Kitty said that? Yeah. She wants you to pull back?

Ah, yeah. I'm not going to be able to get my chair sponsorship now. I ordered a badass chair. Maybe I shouldn't mention it, though, because there isn't any chairs. Can I talk about the chair that I bought? Should I? You're getting a chair sponsorship,

and you bought a chair? Don't worry about that secondary part, but I bought a Maxonomic chair. What's it called? I linked it the other day. I wish I was Herman Miller chair. Not at all. Honestly, I don't like the way this Herman Miller chair is. Look, I get that they're $1,400 and I'm sure they're incredible chairs and all, but I got this chair right here.

Yeah, this Max Nomic Quad Sector OFC Slightly Silver over on NeedForSeatUSA.com. Not a sponsor at all. I paid for this motherfucker. But I'm really excited to get it because my ass goes numb sitting

in the previous chair I had. That's because you're sitting on your dick. Yes. Because of your Prince Albert. Because of my dick. The Prince Kyle. Yeah, it's something like that. But no, I'm really excited to get this chair.

Yeah, I mean, this thing looks like a... This is what Captain Kirk sits in. The armrests have fingers on the tips. I didn't notice that until now. That's interesting. They're all adjustable and they move around and stuff. It's a gaming chair. They're like those socks that have toes in them. I like this.

Oh, you mean the shoes that have toes in them. There are socks that have toes in them. Do you wear those with the shoes that have toes in them, I guess? It would make a lot of sense, yeah. I guess you couldn't wear regular socks with shoes that have toes. I would not want to... To be them, I guess. It would make a lot of sense, yeah. I guess you couldn't wear regular socks with shoes that have toes. I would not want to... To be fair, I've never seen somebody

walking around the street in the toe shoes. But what is that supposed to be for other than making you look like a jackass? PKA Dan wears them. He's a huge fan. He's a giant shoe-toe proponent. And he says, something to do with getting back to Neanderthal roots when running and changing stride.

Oh, it does sound like you have to be a Neanderthal. Yeah, Neanderthal roots. No, Rogan says the exact same thing, and he talked about the stride and the way you place your weight when you run and stuff. And he went long and in-depth about how these shoes are better for running. Keep in mind, Joe Rogan has fallen for every scheme that's come across his desk. Hey, this is a new kind of pill that makes you really smart. And then some nutritionist will come on and be like, actually, that's full of sugar.

Well, you know, win some, you lose some. You like pot? I like Joe Rogan. He's great. But it's annoying when he does the whole, I'm just asking questions. Who's to say, who's to say, if just sitting in an isolation tank

high on mushrooms isn't as good as chemo? Who's to say? Who's to say? Well, no one, because all those people died of cancer. He died floating in that tank. He's skeptical about some things. He had that guy, I want to say the guy behind Blink-182 was in there a few months ago, and Chiz and I were watching it together live, I think.

Tom DeLong, I think, is Chiz's name. He was proven right, according to Chiz, which makes me really scratch my fucking head, Chiz, because he was talking about seeing parts from an alien craft that defied physics. And he was talking about having secret government meetings at an airport restaurant. I saw the UFO footage a couple weeks ago. It was eight blurry pixels on an F-18 sight screen. Now, I'll admit, I don't know what that was.

Maybe that was something. But, I don't believe the guy from Blink-182 when he talks about his secret government meetings and how they came to him because he can help get the word. I love how the conspiracy theorists see, like, high-res pictures of the Earth and think that it's all fake and that

it's flat. And they see, like, some low-res pixel in the sky and they're like, here's your proof oh the thing that's killing me by the way that we're talking about that is a thing like that is a thing I don't know if you've looked at that footage and read into that but the thing

that kills me now is that every time anyone sees a story that they don't agree with they will yell the words fake news and it's so frustrating like when I post shit on Facebook, like, every now and then, like, I posted a story where

it was this stupid thing that was going around. Like, this woman faked a pregnancy for nine months, and then it turned out she wasn't pregnant. And my take on it was like, wow, that dude didn't go to one fucking doctor's visit with her. Because if he had, he'd have known. And it was like, wow, that dude didn't go to one fucking doctor's visit with her. Because if he had, he'd have known.

And so, like, yeah, she's an asshole for taking him in, but he's an asshole for falling for it. Yeah, she's eaten a lot of quarter pans with cheese lately. Was she just getting fatter? Well, apparently there are these, like, medical things where when you convince yourself you're pregnant there are signs you show of being pregnant. But that said, like anyway I posted that and then someone was like, there's a fake story. I'm like you could google it, there are a thousand sources, there are interviews with the people. The footage was faked and it's like just because you don't want this to be true, you've just decided. And so the crying wolf is now the new crying wolf that's fair enough

sorry so the interesting thing about this ufo footage okay what i'm saying is what i'm saying is yelling that things are fake is the crying wolf like it used to be yelling that things are real it used to be faking things it was crying flipped. Oh, it flipped on its head. Okay, I know what you're saying. Yeah, what I'm saying is that now, anytime, and it's just like online or on Reddit, whatever, anytime, like, if I'll post something and someone agrees with me, well, that's a shill account. It's got to be a shill account, right? No human...

No, that's a Russian bot! Right, but meanwhile, if they agree with the person who's disagreeing with me, then they're a like-minded individual like if that it's it's that same kind of thing where it's like oh these 20 people who all agree and have a five-year comment history it all having nothing to do with them oh these are just all his chill accounts he's just been he's been waiting to make this point that jay bruce was a good free agent signing for the mets this whole time he's just been building this up for five years just for now and yeah that's like the long con absolutely

i'm just get those karma points a woman who believes she's pregnant will start to look and like exhibit traits of pregnancy apparently apparently it can happen well because some of it's psychosomatic and like your body the same way that like a lot of beating cancer is believing you can beat cancer. And a lot of a lot of like there is a great deal of like cells respond to that to that energy. I mean, this is not like some secret bullshit where you're like, there's not going to be any traffic because I don't want there to be traffic. It's not that, you know, it's not like, no, because i don't want there to be traffic it's not that you know it's not like no there's gonna be traffic because it's fucking rush hour you dick yeah you're not doing a vision board right but what i mean is like there it is true the same way that like you wake up that day when you're starting to get over a cold

and like you start to feel much better even though you're exhibiting some of the same symptoms as you were but you see it's on the you're toward the end and so then suddenly you start to get better much much quicker it's kind of like when a bunch of women work together and then slowly all their cycles hit up is that true it's absolutely true that's true i've heard it's not true also no and a lot of times that like i know my wife has taught that with her friends. And she would say yeah, I had two girlfriends. I would trigger Danielle and then Danielle would trigger

Christine. And it's like, well fuck, this is an event that takes a week. Of course it's going to be some kind of like, if anything you'll accept as proof that it happened, then yeah. Here's what I accept as proof it happened. There was a week where you did not go to the all-girls dorm when I was in college.

Like, there was a week where you just like, to the all girls dorm when i was in college like there was a week where you just like stay the fuck away plumbing is fucked dorm synced up not the whole dorm it doesn't happen with everyone it's not 100 truth it is a more likely to happen it's like people it's like when they're in proximity and you don't avoid because everybody else is avoiding it you know you go right into the dugout and hit a home run or something. Yeah. Should we use hockey terms? What are the hockey terms? What's icing? What's icing?

Icing is like really like people. Come on her face. Come on. Icing is clearly when you come on her face. What's icing? Because, okay, so because clearly there's, like in hockey, it's like there's a shot on goal and then there's a goal. And I guess there's an assist,

but like it's not, like with baseball, it's easier. Yeah, you'd have to do like penalty names for hockey. Like cross-checking or roughing or embellishment. Well, I know what roughing is. Oh, you know what embellishment is? That's when she's faking. Yeah, so that's a penalty for embellishment. She's got boots. And how do you get so that's a penalty for embellishment.

And how do you get the Lady Bing trophy? The Lady Bing trophy? You have to go down on her for a while. Yeah, it's for sportsmanship, right? If you just grab their pussy against their will, it's the President's Cup. Oh, damn! No, they have to let you do it, otherwise you don't get the cup.

Oh, that's a good point, yeah. That's pretty good. Very stringent rules. Baseball definitely works the best for it. Sorry, go ahead, Kyle. Watch the UFO footage, because I did find this fascinating, and this is not your standard bullshit fake UFO footage. All right, let me rephrase this. This is not your usual blurry VHS camera footage.

It's from an F-18 gun site, right? And you've got F-18 fighter pilots talking about this and confused by it. And it shows up on the radar from the aircraft carrier below, too. And so they're all very confused by this. And this is the video. Ready, set,

play. There's a whole fleet of them. Ready, set, play Dude, what the fuck is going on, bro? There's a whole fleet of them, look on the ASA Oh my gosh They're all going against the wind, the wind's 120 miles to the west Don't go all pink, dude 2004? That's not an LNS though, is it? I do have an LNS, yeah.

But if there's a... Look at that thing! It's rotating. Well, if one of the pilots said it. You know, I hear you, but it comes across as a little more credible, right? Because it's a pilot. It's not some goofus from some southern state. One of the things that fighter pilots... Part of fighter pilot training is this thing where they learn the silhouettes of every aircraft in existence

so that they can look at a glance and they can immediately recognize, oh, that's a MiG-21. Oh, that's a French Harrier. That's this. That's that. It's a big part of their training that they're able to recognize civilian aircraft and all of them. It definitely is a big part of their training. So this was in the air of San Diego?

Yeah. So this was basically like someone had accidentally released a SeaWorld balloon. It was a giant Shamu balloon. yeah so this was basically like someone had accidentally released a sea world balloon yeah i i don't know what that is uh you know um my my my bet would be on an experimental human aircraft of course um yeah i would i would the idea that we have like i shouldn't say we the idea that a lot of people have no problem believing, like, oh, well, this is clearly spacemen, but then they have a huge problem believing the idea of, like, no, this could just be a secret government project that, like, this pilot doesn't know

about yet because he's a pilot. Yeah. That seems way more believable. What do you got here, Chiz? Looks like you got some more information for us here. On the trail of a secret Pentagon UFO program. Jesus, this is a lot of reading. That's the same footage. The fact that it happened in 2004 makes me less excited about it. Because I'm like, oh, well, any alien probably left by now. Well, did you see that cartoon that was going around that was basically like,

you know, someone shoots up in bed and he's upset and his wife is like, what's wrong? And he goes, well, I know aliens don't exist because there's no way Trump could have kept that a secret. And it's funny because then during the Trump administration, suddenly this shit comes out that gets declassified about aliens. That would be

hilarious if just one day he was like, I'm tired of people from these shithole countries. Honestly, I'd rather get someone from Zyklad Z. Wait, when? Oh, fuck. Kits comes out and he's like, Mr. President, no, no, no. No, I'm serious.

That would be great. Well, it wouldn't be great because then you'd always be scared of aliens coming and attacking, right? But that would unite us. I've always said that. I've always said that the thing that we need as humans is someone else to hate. Me too!

Kyle, did we just agree on something? A hundred percent. Don't you have to come as friends? Oh my god! I'm gonna send you a Milwaukee fuck machine. You're weird. Next thing you know, he's only gonna kinda hate Jews

I guess they're people yeah it's I'm so glad that you have Steve one of the good ones Hoffs that are on the show yeah that's what I changed your Skype ID to so I know it yeah yeah three parentheses aroundesus uh what's the uh no but i do i want to talk about this more the idea that like the thing that okay like as a as a new yorker born or raised we were always told you know okay you make fun of jersey basically right like that's what we did we made fun of people from jersey haha Ha ha, Jersey people. But then you travel to Europe and you're somewhere in Europe and you meet another American. Where are you from?

Jersey. Oh! Next door! We're brothers! Smells here too, huh? Wow! Who would have known France smells just like the sewer you're from? Wow! It's the plumbing. They don't have any. What's your excuse, by the way jesus

you're really making this this point a difficult one to argue um no my what i'm saying is that like it is it's you bond with someone over there being an other yes like the reason like when i see a mets fan it's it's not like hey go mets it's like fuck the braves you know like that's or if it's a Mets fan, it's not like, hey, go Mets. It's like, fuck the Braves. You know, like, that's, or if it's a younger Mets fan that, you know, they're mad at the Nationals. But anyway, the point is that, like, you have that other to root against, and that's what brings you together. So if we get invaded by aliens or robots or whatever else it is, that's what brings us together. A hundred percent.

Like, absolutely. I mean, you know, that's what happened in Independence Day, right? You remember when everybody's like tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick like communicating with Morse code They're like the Americans have a plan. Well, right bloody hell time. What what what are they going to do? And like the Iraqis are out there they go did did did did did they've been using that shit forever? They don't get the did you just have to hope that they are That's actually their new system. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Upgrades! shit forever they don't we just have to hope that they are also ios yeah yeah yeah upgrades independence day speaking it had uh the the jewiest jew scene in the history of media and i know steve you probably remember he's like oh you'd be no without my son david oh yeah what are you doing over there playing the play yeah yeah my son david he does like and he he was the most over thetop ridiculous caricature of a Jewish man. But it also had a great line. It had a great line that was, like,

in favor of the Jews. No, in favor of the Jews, they had a great line where they go to pray, and he goes, but I'm not Jewish. And he goes, nobody's perfect. Nobody's perfect. Which was, like, a very... And that was one I watched that in i watched that movie in forest hills queens was very jewish like a lot of jewish uh people in the area and so like most of that

theater were like i i didn't like score one for the jews and i i've heard uh i heard patrice o'neill i think talking about how like it was bullshit that like will smith's character who's like the fighter pilot who just had applied to nasa and was surprised when he got turned down, that he's like, y'all did not shoot that green shit at me. Like, come on. That's not what he'd say. Oh, the idea that he wouldn't. He's like shucking and jiving in his F-18 fucking flying through the air fighting aliens. What did Patrice want him to be?

Just be like, it is inappropriate that you shot that green thing in my general direction. I've been trained a great deal. Like, humans are humans. It doesn't matter. The same way that I speak very, very differently when I'm at a pitch meeting with a bunch of execs as I do when I'm on this podcast. Oh, yeah. Me too. I feel like if we're going to go by realism, it would just be

like, fuck, fuck, fuck, son of a bitch. This is fucking ridiculous. Fuck. I would have preferred that. Now, I like when he punched the alien out. He's like, welcome to Earth. That was sick. He punched the alien. And again again Patrice in its exoskeleton head

brilliant comic, very very funny miss him a great deal, wish he was still with us however, that's the issue in that movie that wasn't real that's the one you can't be pulling threads out of Independence Day like aliens

I thought they did a good job with Independence Day. I think Bill Pullman is president, probably. I loved that. I loved Bill Pullman as president. That's not that bad of a movie. I watched that shit. I love that movie. Don't get me wrong. That was great. That speech is inspiring.

It really is. I want to watch it. So I was 13 and 14 when it came out. And I said, I'll admit, and like I said in the book, I was very nerdy. I didn't know what the fuck I was talking about. And I had a moment where I was talking to my brother about how great the movie was and was telling him to watch it. And he was like, I don't think it's that. It can't be that good.

And I'm like, no, it's so good. And I literally said the words, Willith is the best actor of our generation he did not let me forget that for years this is before ali this is before we knew you know his work in wild west cemented that come on he did a good ali, right? That's my point. Maybe I was predicting it, just based on Independence Day and Fresh Prince. And Men in Black.

But the idea of... And look, Will Smith, he's great. I like him a lot. I like a lot of his movies. But the best actor of our generation, not only is it wrong, but it's so fucking pretentious to say. I feel like Seymour Hoffman. There may be a few others that might be a little bit better. not only is it wrong but it's so fucking pretentious to say and i feel more hoffman you know there might have been there may be a few others that might be a little bit better

he's not making the short list quite frankly i mean you know he's the guy that blows shit up and and makes jokes yeah i'm not barking personal who do you think the i know kyle's answer daniel day lewis right yeah yeah it's daniel dayLewis. Who you once said was the finest American actor of all time. I made one fucking mistake! You didn't know where chickens came from! Get off my back! The man does accents so well, you believe whatever he says he's from.

He's like a French dress designer in his new movie. He's such a good actor, you believed he was American. I did. He does an American accent so well. I want for no one else to succeed. He's incredible. I love that.

Yeah. Who's the best? I mean, we just lost one. Seymour Hoffman? No, I don't mean lost in that way. I mean lost in the Kevin Spacey way. Spacey's a great fucking actor, but he's a shit.

He'll make his own indie film. He's also a pedophile, apparently. He's a garbage human. He's just a little pedophile. I wish he needed money, because you know, if he needed money, we could get him in our indie film. He would play Woody the younger years. When you were coaching... He's like 10 years older than Woody.

Spacey? Spacey's like way older. He's a great actor though. He could play young. He could play young. It'd be alright. A little CGI. You want to go back and watch right now, given the spacey stuff,

American Beauty. It makes it way creepier. Creepy as fuck. That movie's already super creepy, but going back now, you can also think like, oh, it's a girl that he's interested in, so she's actually a no-real girl. And she's fucking hot.

Yeah, but he's gay. He is gay. He chooses to live his life as a gay man. He chooses to live his life now as a gay man. Do you think that was the worst deflection of all time? Of all time. Of all time.

I can't imagine a... Even if he had said, even if he had come out and said like uh you know i'm really embarrassed by my past i was fighting against something and i didn't believe i was ashamed of who i was and i it caused me to act in a lot of inappropriate ways i was gay and i was hiding it from myself and you know when he went through that way people at least would have been like, okay, I guess sexuality is a confusing spectrum and what he did is horrible.

But I think that would have been much better than just being like, by the way, guys, I'm gay. Poof. And like, run away. Which is basically what he did. Yeah, he's going to need a new career. Speaking of new careers, Mission U is a one-year program that gives you the skills and experience needed

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You were coming to us as just a big fuzzball that entire time. Like I was telling the tale of how I was victimized by the Catholic Church. Yeah, except it was a plug for your sponsors. They don't need to see me. Is that in their term sheet? It's absolutely not. plug for your sponsors. They don't need to see me. They just need to hear me. Is that in their term sheet? It's absolutely not. They're just like,

Kyle can read it, but we don't want to see him. I don't know what's up with the camera. Is your lens dirty? It's on autofocus. You're on autofocus. It's as simple as that. Well, it is on autofocus. You're right, but autofocus has been more reliable. Yeah, this has never happened.

It's probably the way I got it set up. I'll move things around. Could it be dirty? It could be. Is your lens as dirty as you? This show. There was an icing incident that I was live streaming earlier in the week, so perhaps a little bit of icing.

I had to put that together, what icing was. Yeah. Oh, yeah, a little thumbprint. Yeah, I didn't actually touch my hands. Oh. Yeah. Okay. Good, because it just got fuzzy again.

Yeah, that's because my hand got close and it started focusing. Yeah. Oh, my God. Did you read this to-do list? Taylor needs a new internet. Kyle, turn off auto focus on camera and auto adjust on microphone woody new computer steve new head hey i just need to order the new head the problem is is that i got the iphone head and all the samsung people

got real mad at me samsung head dude i looked up that whole period menstruation sync up thing and pasted it in there. Apparently, women's periods are just always kind of changing and not being on a perfect regular 28-day schedule. So what they misinterpret as syncing up is actually just a constant moving around. But isn't it moving around toward each other? Not according to the bulk of the studies today. Oh, so this is like old wives shit yes ah yeah now we know better if you take like it's an event that happens like so much right like a quarter of their lives is on their period and all they have to say is like yeah i kick off steve yeah i guess you know the odds are pretty strong that one of us will be like kick off Steve. Yeah, I guess. You know, the odds are pretty strong that one of us will kick off the other.

By the way, I don't like how you just gave me my period. My bad. I didn't mean to kick you off. But how does it kick it off? It doesn't. They're just timed. It just smells irony in here. It's like, dude, if each of these things last a week and there's two of us,

the odds are very strong that either I'll be the week before you, the same week as you, or the week after you. Yes, yes. Well, I was thinking, like, they all, like, come out of the different bathrooms in the house. Like, you two? Yeah, yeah. Like, at the same time. All right. Wise tale.

I have some of our AMA questions from our patrons here. Some of these are shit tears. You don't want to just do period talk all night long? Some of these are shit tier. Some of these are shit tier. This is what your question is. Would any of the cast go for a ride in a two seater nitro top fuel dragster?

Would love to see this happen if you're a real thrill seeker. First of all, you gatekeeping weirdo. Come on. It's not that big of a deal, first of all, you gatekeeping weirdo. Like, come on. It's not that big of a deal, first of all. They don't go that fast. They go a couple hundred miles an hour on a straight line for 10 seconds. What are we doing here?

I would do it in second line. Yeah, of course I'd do it. We'd all do it. Yeah, we'd do it. A nitro top fuel dragster. They go 300, right? Yeah, the ones with one seat, but this is some sort of magical two-seat nitro toptop-fuel dragster. Kyle goes,

quit it with your gatekeeping. They're not even that intense. You want real intensity. Shoot hogs from a helicopter. Yeah, that's true. That's awesome. I love shooting hogs from a helicopter. That's a lot of fun. Yeah, we'd all do that, of course.

Yeah, I'd give it a go. A movie you love that's a shitty movie. I yeah we'd all do that of course um yeah i'd give it a go a movie you love that's a shitty movie i've got point break on the top of my head oh the original oh man it is it's kind of that chicken i find that chicken that really hot do you yes right yes i remember watching that and then having to like do some research on that bitch like let's let me get a that is a woody chick kyle that definitely has a high testosterone does girl from she's into like guy shit oh she's so fucking hot i noticed that right away while watching the movie in the movie she is okay in that individual movie like this this chick did Nice, raspy voice. She aged like a... You're talking about Laurie Petty? Yeah. She did not age well.

Also, wasn't she the one in League of Their Own? Didn't she play the sister? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, so here's a picture of her from Point Break. She's got kind of a Demi Moore kind of thing going on with the short hair and everything. Later on in life

things went downhill. She aged like like a roast beef sandwich. She just needs longer hair and then she could look like a regular 40-some year old woman. Right? I mean she was always very

like... I mean part of why she played the part she did in that movie was because she was playing a dude-ish person. I think she gets topless. Let me see. Point break. Topless. I think if you give her long hair, she doesn't look

like she did in the 90s, but she looks fine. Yeah, I mean, is it a little unreasonable that you expect someone who was born in 1963 to be hot right now? She looks fine. Yeah, I mean, is it a little unreasonable that you expect someone who was born in 1963 to be hot right now? That would make her 54. Yeah. Cut her some slack.

She is... She looks fantastic for 54. Yeah. Fair enough. In any case... I love that you're just like, ugh, this isn't the kind of 54-year-old that I want to fuck. A movie that's horrible that I like,

it's actually like a series of movies. Have you guys ever seen Cube? Yes. Terrible. All of them are on Netflix, and they are trash. The worst, worst horror movies with the goriest deaths.

Hypercube 2, Chiz, is also terrible. None of them are good. I like Starship Troopers a lot. Yeah, good one. Although, that woman's boobs were disappointing. What? A little saggy for you? Yes.

I was happy to see them. I'm going to look up Starship Tro see them what we really wanted was the brunettes tits yes it's a damn shame she scored so highly on that fucking entry exam because we'd have had her in that intramural shower scene

she'd have died though no way that chick made a good grind oh were they huge? I don't remember her having giant tits. That's her name. I'm missing it. My answer to that is almost anything with Jackie Chan.

Or Chuck Norris. I was a big... My dad and I used to watch... What was the one... What was the one with Chuck Norris when he was in Brooklyn? Fuck. What was it? Because you're in LA,

do you sometimes feel like you need to be kind? Because you could bump into whatever celeb? Oh, you mean like on a... Oh no, Charles Bronson. That's who I'm thinking of oh death wish uh yeah i've seen every death wish oh my god yeah that was i think it was death wish three was the one that

we were just like what the fuck is this even like there was one part where they were just like this woman can't go get groceries without getting raped. And they just accepted that as part of what it was like to live in Brooklyn. Yeah. That's kind of how you made out Harlem. But anyway, it was... Well, no, no, no. You don't run into housing projects

in the fucking 90s in Harlem. But anyway, especially threatening someone you know we weren't just going to get groceries at our home we were chasing a kid you don't go grocery shopping in the 90s in Brooklyn here's my

favorite scene from Death Wish 3 can we watch this real quick this is the best scene second best scene the best scene I think is when they're messing with his car and he goes out and is like what are you doing? And like we're breaking into the car. What's it to you? He's like it's my car They try to beat him up and they just guns them all down, but this is the second best scene

All right, everyone queued up ready three two one play Ready? 3, 2, 1, play. Just eating some ice cream. I like the high fives. Yeah. Oh, and he's got a camera to, like, lure them. Yeah, he's got bait. By the way, great product placement.

It totally should have been a cannon. It totally should have been a cannon. And you're about to see one. Yeah. Look at that gun! Fucking auto mag! Yeah! Jesus! A cannon, I get it, I'm slow but I got it.

He doesn't even want his camera back. He doesn't even want the ice cream. He's dumb. Yeah. Yeah! I love the idea that they're just like... Yeah, he just murdered his thief. Yeah, we all hated that hoodlum asshole!

Keep watching, keep watching. Because the gang members are going to talk about this, and their reactions are kind of... They killed the giggler, man. Giggler? He was the Giggler. His name was the Giggler? Yeah, yeah. Because even when he saw the camera, he was like,

and then took off running. Because the Joker was taken. Oh, yeah, that would have been a copyright infringement. Yeah, watch some Death Wish movies. Basically, who's um Space Nat Jeff Goldblum is the bad guy who never gets it if I remember correctly from the first movie he come

he and his gang like rape uh I think the character's name is Paul Creasy uh the Death Wish character I watched this when I was like a kid he's always always all of his girlfriends wives daughters they all get raped it's happening all the time and like and uh and so so like his daughter gets raped his wife gets raped so his

death wish so death wish isn't about him it's about the women he dates a little bit because he's motivated by the rape and like like he's a he's a big wig architect and he goes down to texas to do like this architecture planning for this big housing development. And he befriends this good old boy Texan, and the guy takes him shooting because he'd never been before. And at the end of the trip, he's like, I got you a gift here. Don't open it till you get back. And he gives him a fucking handgun. And so when he gets back, he starts becoming a vigilante killer, just wiping out the scum in New York.

Those are great movies. I love them. And he's so old. Even in the first one, he's way too old to be a vigilante. By the fifth one, he's jogging in sweats like he's Rocky, but he's like 73 or something like that. That's how I felt about Han Solo.

Death Wish 6 is about him wanting to be taken off of life support please all right so this is from the ama am i the asshole so while i was dating my now ex-girlfriend she started taking birth pills, mainly to help with acne and periods. As you might imagine, this led to more, and in my opinion, better sex. However, a relatively unknown side effect of birth control is it can mess with the pH of vaginal fluid, making it more basic. There isn't much that could have been done until her body adjusted to the birth control naturally and balanced the pH back. Now, usually, i love going down

on her it's a nice way to show affection it's pretty hot and she really liked it but when i went down on her after she started taking this birth control my tongue got burnt i thought like this for a week she got pissed at me i didn't want to go down on her until her ph balanced back she said we could use a dental dam which probably would have prevented the recurring incident but i want to go anywhere near there with my tongue again didn't cause our breakup but it didn't help should i have manned up and dealt with it or am i in the right for refusing what was once a delightful activity first of all you call that a sourpuss second of all you shouldn't have to lick anything that tastes bad third of all IUD uterine

that doesn't help and if that doesn't help you go IED IED and then there's no pussy that's Arab birth control right there I'm sorry you cut out for a second Arab birth control

Arabic birth control. La la la la la la la la la! So, uh... Humans can't get goats pregnant. Good God. Am I gonna have to bring up that fucking sport with the goats again?

Oh yeah. Forgot about again. Oh, yeah. Forgot about that. No, don't make me mad. This guy is not an asshole, but if she was wanting it so bad that she was like, we could just use, like, a dental dam or something, like, you should have done it there. Like, just use the dental dam if she wants it that bad and move on. Just don't feel pressure to get a nun ton. I do understand the idea of, like, look. Alright, I cut up my finger on a circular saw.

It was six weeks ago. I haven't used a saw since. You know? I'm not going near that fucking circular saw again. You shock the banana, the monkey stops reaching for it. Exactly. And, yeah, and, like, look. I don't know if you guys can see this well on this.

This is six weeks later. All right? Nice. And so it was pretty fucked up. And my point is, there's probably, I'm sure, am I going to slip with the circular saw again? Probably not. Am I immediately going to want to go back to what hurt me so much? No.

So if this guy was literally, like, he couldn't talk right for a week, that's not saying like, oh, it was kind of smelly. That's him being like, I'm injured. I literally sustained an injury about this, and so I understand. Can you answer me that? Because you would think that if it's so acidic that it's like

I thought it had switched back to acidic. No, it makes it more basic Chiz just wrote she masturbates with habaneros then she needs to douche because the vinegar should counteract all the issues

I've been in this situation like a little job you know when you go to PF Chang like a science project you know when you go to PF Chang and they bring you like here's the vinegar in case it gets a little bit too spicy just have a little pf chang style shaker of vinegar apply that to the vagina you know like when you go to pf chang's and then you have to go down on the hostess because she won't bring a mongolian beef otherwise i mean this is brilliant though finally we're using some science to solve this issue you know

why you know why this hasn't been thought of before? Because scientists don't get laid. Right? They're not on the case. Oh, actually, hold on. I made a joke about that once. So my dad was a chemist. And there was one day... I didn't fall far from the tree. And there was one day where I went into his office and he was showing me his company mainly worked with silicone and so there was one day where they were working on testing fake boobs and so they basically were testing them for like light and

heat properties and so they had them all lined up along the windowsill and they literally had to go through and just be like good good good good and i of course make the smarmy joke if i go how do you know you're a scientist how do you know what boobs feel like and he goes well you're here aren't you i was like yeah fuck all right i have a video i fucked your mom right well that's like he just implied it yeah kyle you look desperate go ahead ahead. First of all, I can't show this on the show. So anyone who's responsible for that, you shouldn't look at this. However,

you want to queue up at 3 minutes and 10 seconds. Any of you who want to watch this at home, go to Pornhub, and you want to find, there's the title of the video. It's called Requested, comma, Gaping, and she misspelled gaping, there's the title of the video. It's called Requested, comma, Gaping,

and she misspelled gaping, there's two P's, Gaping Pussy Fizzes with Baking Soda and Vinegar Experiment. Oh my gosh. Yes! That's right! You gotta mute it too or something. Is that PVC pipe in there? I don't know what exactly

that is, but you could play the audio from this. There's nothing gonna... Why not? Yeah, it'll just sound like a third grader's science assignment. Yeah, this audio will be good. Yeah, what a lovely woman that she did here to a special

request. Are you kidding me? No, I'm not kidding you. Ah! Why is this in my eyes? Why is she putting so much baking soda in her eyes? She's not fucking around. Can I use the extra baking soda for my eyes? Because I do not want to see her.

Please tell me this is like vinegar or something. It is. Are we ready? Are you watching already? I'm already watching. Yeah, I'm at 407. I already went away. Oh, you can't do that. She keeps going back with the spoon. You got enough in there. So let me describe this thing to the audience.

Hold on a second. First, describe her. She looks like the old woman from Something About Mary when he accidentally watches the wrong. It looks like it feels good. It's a really good description. She's really enjoying it, I think. So basically, her pussy is a gape right in the camera lens, and she has what looks like a section of two-inch PVC, inch-and-a-half

PVC. It's hard to say. It's probably a device made for gaping vaginas and putting things in them. It's the Gapo 2000. The Gapomatic, and she has scooped in at least four tablespoons of baking soda, and now she's adding vinegar

by the bottle full. She's just squeezing it in there, and she seems to really be getting off on it. She's like oohing and aahing as it fizzes like a science, like an elementary school science experiment volcano. And she just keeps adding more vinegar, and she's like, she just smiled

now with the ugliest tobacco-stained teeth you've ever seen the worst part of it is afterward she then takes that vinegar and then and then uh puts it into a salad dressing which i think is real gross she has a whole fucking series of these all right requested brutal pussy torture making myself moan and whimper and i see she's got an egg beater you know like a wire egg beater she's shoving it in there requested sliding a stick of butter into my pussy uh requested torturing my pussy with a brush with bristles all the way in requested a whole stick of butter in her pussy who no this is made up she's making up what she wants to do and saying sorry i was requested

you know what this is this is like uh this is like a radio DJ being like, well, you know, we just got a new request on the line. It's this song that we were going to play regardless. And we're just making up that there was a request. My little nephew's band, go, go get them. Let's play it. It was Alka-Seltzer makes my pussy fit. I know it. I spotted it.

Oh, that's an ugly pussy too. It is gaping. Here's another one. Requested. I don't think she, that's an ugly pussy too. It is gaping. Here's another one. Requested. I don't think she... I actually don't think she misspelled gaping. I think that word is supposed to be gapping. That needs to be... Yeah. Requested. Golf tea in my urethra and deep finger

fucking my pussy. Extreme. Requested. Alka-Seltzer makes my pussy fizz with six Z's. She's really enjoying this. I'm subscribing. This is fucking disgusting. Aw, pussy.

Yeah. I clicked over to the one that you suggested, Kyle, and she was putting some sort of implement into her pee hole, and I clicked off of that because I don't care. It's a golf tee. That's a golf tee. Oh, I'd love to see some golf tees for boy pee holes. It's a golf tee. That's a golf tee. Oh, I'd love to see some golf tees. Do you know what that's called?

It's called sounding when you put things in your pee hole. That's right. And people actually are into that. Can you imagine something more uncomfortable than something going into your... Those people must love the hospital where they're like, oh...

It's super painful. I did it when I was like seven with a What do you pull splinters out with? Tweezers. Jesus. No, Kyle, we're all here for this. He's so

insane. I've heard this story before. Why did he do it? It'd be funny if you were like, what do you pull splinters out of your penis with and you're like nephews I mean tweezers your nephews fingers

so wait there wasn't much to it really I put it in not very far like a centimeter and it hurt and I pulled it out and said never again I'm glad you learned fast to this day I just keep shoving it in there. It still hurts.

You know that phrase, there's a first time for everything? Not the shit I'm unwilling to do. There's not a first time for me shoving something in my urethra. Ever. By the way, how fucking bored were you at 7? Go out and play catch.

They locked him in that room in the dark, and all he had was a tweezer. No one else ever experimented like this? I know there's at least like 5% of our listeners like, yeah, yeah, for me it was a Q-tip. Didn't like it.

I don't know any, maybe I haven't asked my friends the right questions, but I don't know anybody who's ever tried that. Here's another poll that Woody's going to lose. Every poll. Yeah, this is another. Another poll that Woody's going to lose. Yeah, do a straw poll.

An anonymous one. What percentage of you have stuck anything in your pee hole? Yeah, the answer is .0. There's one guy. There's one guy out there. I'm going to stack my own side. And it's Woody. There'll be one voted.

It'll be Woody. If there's two, then we found Woody's alt account. Yeah. God, that is so, so awful. So awful. And so are these videos. My God. Oh, I love that video.

As soon as we talked about that, I was like, I know someone's done it. As soon as you think something up, it's like when you come up with those little inventions or whatever. You're like, oh, why has no one ever done this? And you Google real quick, oh, they did in the 80s. It was like the Pet Rock, but it just didn't work or whatever. I knew as soon as I thought of baking soda and vinegar and pussies that someone's done it, and they videotaped it, and then they uploaded it to the internet for everyone to watch. I'm gonna go back to that later. I bookmarked that.

Jesus Christ. I did not like that video. I loved that. Yeah, no. I mean, you can go to any number of porn videos, and it'll be like 2 million views for like some like amateur thing that video had like 4,000 views because nobody requested it was requested some guy is watching it on repeat oh this oh the same guy who wanted me to put you know

a volcano he also wants to stick an unsalted butter crammed up there. I want to see the butter. I'm going to go back to that one specifically. Can we, Kyle, in comparison, what do you think of Second Life people now? In comparison with her? In comparison with the people who are requesting her to do that.

Oh. I think that they've just got a kink or whatever, and they're like, yeah, bitch just keeps sticking weird shit in her pussy. Like, we type it, she sticks it in there. Like, that feels a bit like power. Yeah, you think it's a bunch of people just being like, think of the weirdest thing. Guys, think of the weirdest

thing. What if you put my botanical in there? Yeah, that'd be nuts, right? That'd be back in. It'll be clean because it's bacon, toad, and vinegar be nuts, but I'd bring it back in. I'd bring it back in. It'll be clean because it'll make you throw it in vinegar. Yeah. Oh, man.

That can't possibly be good for your vagina. Ah, it's fine. I saw this porno one time where the girl is in sort of a... She's suspended. She's got sort of... Her legs are... I don't know if they're bound. She's kind of in a sex swing.

So she's in like the Y formation. Legs very widely spread and sort of torso de-elevated so that the vagina is higher than her head is. And the guy takes an entire, I think they call them a magnum of champagne, you know, the big bottle, and he upends it. It's open, you know, the cork's been popped, if you will. He upends it into her pussy and then starts rapidly fucking her with it and of course this shakes this shakes the uh the the champagne up so it's rocketing back out of her vagina as he does it like like really profusely just going everywhere that one is a fucking classic i really enjoy i i'm refining that when i was like 13 and being like what a hoot

ah where do you what a hoot what a hoot this looks like a great time these people are having i missed you guys we had this lame surfer dude on last week every time we'd start making fun of Ugandans and how they would trade a glass for one glass of clean water. He was not a fan of what we were having to say. Not a fan at all. Oh, I'm not either. I just know better than to try to disagree.

Yeah. It just makes it worse. It's like the Second Life people. If they just let him hang out in there... Oh my god. Can we go back to that for a second? The idea of, like, yeah, the idea of, you know, you're coming into someone else's home.

Does anyone know how it works? Like, can you just walk into any property, or did he have to find an invitation? I think that he had, like, found an exploit to get in there, and that's one of the reasons they were so surprised and angry that he was in there. That you need, like, a digital invite of some way to get in there and that's one of the reasons they were so surprised and angry that he was in there that you need like a digital invite of some way to get in there because he like he hacks the games that's one of his things that he does he cheats but he doesn't cheat to

like win at the game he cheats to make people infuriated at the game i like this guy yeah yeah he has some much more comedic videos um that especially if you're into gaming at all like yeah you're rolling but the way i have a i do uh i do a gaming channel did i ever tell you guys about driving with franklin no i don't think so so i do this series where i basically i drive around in gta as franklin and then i narrate it as if he's got a public access show in los santos so it's a very like and he's very calm. He's like, welcome to Driving with Franklin. I'm your host, Franklin.

And then, you know, like one of them, he was like, we're going to teach you how to buy a bike today. Oh, here's the bicycle store now. And then he just goes and, like, runs over a bike. So it's shit like that. It's very dumb. It's a lot of fun but the first the for the first time i'm doing a new one i didn't realize there was the

the comedy store is basically there on sunset and so what i did is i went to the comedy store like as trevor on the roof with a whole bunch of fucking guns and crazy shit and just had this standoff with the police at the store and I'm playing the video that I was on stage while it was happening and I'm just doing my set in the background I'm just playing the clip from when I was on Ferguson

it was just a normal set and in the background he's blowing up helicopters and shit and I introduced the clip with just like yeah you know i was at the i was doing comedy club last night and there was something weird going on outside but there were security cameras so i'll just show you and then it just cuts to it so but that's basically my my extent of gaming like i don't know i don't know a ton of shit but it's a lot of fun

yeah i um i've been gaming for for a long time like time. And the YouTube gaming scene is so bizarre. And this whole VR chat thing, there's these weird subcultures of people who are just on there all night, just being weird. And these guys all look like Knuckles from Sonic the Hedgehog, and they live in a VR world of Uganda, and they all do Ugandan accents,

and they all say, you do not know the way. And they they live in a vr world of uganda and they all do ugandan accents and they all say you do not know the way and they mob people in a mob and whenever they find a character in that virtual world who's like a hot girl like an anime princess or something they're like this is a new queen this is a new queen spit on the fake queen and like eight guys who all look like little red knuckles are going like spitting on the fake Queen and let's watch it's it's absurd. Again? Yes!

I'm gonna watch. Oh my god. I'm queued at zero. I'm loading hold on. Yeah. Alright. This is such a ridiculous meme. Shut up.

Shut up. Alright, tell me when. Shut up. Shut up. Three. This has five million views. Yes, it's very popular. 3, 2, 1, play.

Do you know the way of the devil? Do you know the way of the devil? Do you know the way of the devil? Do you know the way of the devil? Do you know the way of the devil? Hi John, big peepee. What? Everyone you see is a real person. This is so... What?

You are an evil man! Commander. You are the new commander. Commander? What the fuck? I think you know the way. I think you know the way. Mr. Uneducated Man. Are you the queen?

She is our queen. Everyone shut up. The queen is in the kitchen. Winnie the Pooh. Winnie the Pooh. Everyone shut up What the fuck There is only one queen. There cannot be two queens. You are the fake queen. You are the fake queen. I ain't joking. The queen take this penis. Do not move.

This is... Won't you see the way in your Buddha? It's confusing. Oh my god. My Buddha. My Buddha's this is the way. This is the way. Liberty Lady. This is the way. This is definitely the way.

This is the fucking way. I'm out. I don't mean of watching this. I mean of society. I'm done. Looking at this, I... You know what? Nothing matters to me anymore. I'm now an anarchist.

This meme is so popular that I was playing PUBG today. I don't know if you know what that is. PlayerUnknown's Battlegrounds. It's a first-person shooter where everyone drops in a battle royale type situation. We're playing in this squad mode where there's me and three of my friends playing against squads of four and uh i kill this guy in a building and he's he's like

crawling he's knocked out was what the game calls it and during this time he could be resuscitated if his teammate gets to him in time or i could finish him off and so i go to a chat mode so that he can hear me and i'm and i and i immediately i'm like you know beg for mercy and he begs and I'm like take your clothes off and he strips down naked I'm like do you know the way and he's like yes brother I know the way and I'm like oh my god well then you may live like it's that this is that big already late late like it he's like he's like I have Ebola and I know the way. Oh my god. The one you showed me initially,

it wasn't this video, it was a different one, it had like 12 million views or something like that. I'm getting a VR chat very soon. I'm going to be one of these Knuckles characters. I try so hard to

create art, you know? And to write and produce videos and TV. And I just... I'll never produce anything as great as this. And I just... This is it. I gotta kill myself. It's organic. You can't...

This was created by millions of little organisms just float this is this is like particle physics all right you can't just think this up it has to happen oh my god this is physics it's so good i fucking love it i fucking i've been watching these videos all day um just laughing my ass off do you not feel like you get the gist like after no it's funny to see because all right so there's different ones there's one where that it's a it's a whole mob of hank hills right they're all hank hill from king of the yeah exactly and one guy is fairly good at doing the accent he's like oh what kind of grill to use boy and the guy's like um uh propane only propane and someone's, he is a liar. He uses electric.

And Hank Hill goes, get him! And then literally 15 Hank Hills who all look identical start mobbing him with flailing arms. Going, oh my god. And the guy's just covered in this mob of tentacle arms and Hank Hill faces just staring at him blankly. It's a bizarre world, and I want to be part of it. And you're going to hop on right after this, I bet, and show us them when you win. It's free! It's free! It's free with a $5,000 setup!

Oh yeah, you need a $700 peripheral and a you know a 2500 computer and in the vr then you're in so there's no barrier of entry whatsoever none no there's like a hundred thousand of those things out there at this point though maybe more maybe 200 i don't know i i i i like the vr shit it's it's fucking fun. It is really neat. Next time we go somewhere, I'm going to bring all of my shit with me. Because I don't think you've ever experienced it. I've never done it. That would be a lot of fun. How old do you think these people are?

You might think those are children. And some of them probably are. But there's a plethora of grown-ass men there. Late 20s, early 30s. It's just so expensive. This isn't a toy, really. Sharon, I'm going to be late for the meeting tomorrow morning. plethora of grown-ass men late 20s, early 30s. It's just so expensive. It just seems... This isn't a toy, really. Sharon, I'm going to be late for the meeting tomorrow morning.

Yeah. I have stuff at my accountant's office. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Okay. Bye-bye. Okay, brothers. Alright, brothers. Do you know the way? This is what I will do all night. And click at people. It's so silly.

I get most memes. I get why they're funny and why they're supposed to be funny. When you showed me this initially, I get it more now with the backstory of what it is. But when you showed me the video first, I'm like, but what's the funny part? Why do they have Ebola and they must show you the way and you are my queen and all that shit it's like well that's just out of racism i think yes yes yeah i believe there's a vr world called uganda from they hail so the queen part is racism it is a queen in uganda well the idea the idea that like to them this is what Uganda is. I have

a friend who is one of the smartest, most successful, incredible people I know and he grew up in a hut in Uganda. He knows the way. Does he have Ebola? You need Ebola to know the way. Well, yeah.

I don't look at this and go wow what a peek into ugandan culture like i just go you know what no i mean you yeah i knew that i'm saying like that's but i think that's where it comes from it comes from the idea of like wouldn't it be hilarious to say we're ugandan because aren't those people savages like i think that's where this comes from i think it's more like it's a very funny and novel accent. I don't know these people's hearts, but I do know it's a funny accent. Yeah, but I mean the idea of spitting on... And I'm not saying they hate people from Uganda.

I'm saying it's like the ignorance of racism. You know what I mean? Oh, the clicking is actually kind of racist. Yeah, that's what I mean. It's not out of hate. It's out of racism. You know what I mean? The clicking is actually kind of racist. Yeah, that's what I mean. It's not out of hate. It's out of ignorance. What if they pretended to be American? What would they do and would it be racist? What do you mean?

That's what I always do. It's like, hey, you're mocking someone's culture and therefore it's bad. And if they were to be like, hey, I don't know what Americans do. Eat cheeseburgers, maybe? Yeah, be fat, eat cheeseburgers. They would probably do some Southern shit.

If they're like, we're all fat and stupid, huh? And just said that over and over again, there'd be part of you that'd be like, hey, we're not all fat and stupid. Stupid is an American stereotype. But the gun thing is definitely... I think stupid absolutely is an American stereotype. I'm not thing is definitely best true. I think stupid absolutely is an

American stereotype. I'm not saying it's true, but I'm saying it's like... Why do we fucking rule the world? Wow, that sounds like a jealous person speaking. Seems to me like a couple of sour grapes. Americans are so dumb. Isn't it weird that they dominate the tech industry? Well, but... Yeah, but what do you think about military? In most

measurable categories, we actually are not even top 50 but uh definitely economy well you're comparing our economy and happiness index and education and like all that other stuff and so like in our education system does not rank high when it comes to countries with similar things and i'm not saying we're dumb i'm saying that like that is a stereotype that i've run into when i travel around the world like the idea of like a stupid american you never heard that yeah that's because they cheat i don't really care either way i mean now granted they mainly say it after they they mainly say it after they see my act so it could be it could be slightly affected it's a little skewed but no But no, I've definitely heard that. There's even a clip where

I clap back at a Canadian who, like, I say I was from America and she boos me. And I was like, what don't you like about Americans? And she was like, oh, they're ignorant. And I go, are they ignorant enough to boo someone based on where they were born? And so that was a fun, that was a fun thing. But my point is, like, that is that is a stereotype I love Canada, I love Canadians but the only reason you're not the 51st state is because we don't feel like conquering you it's true it's not worth our time

we don't need a North Minnesota we got enough of those fuckers down here we don't need to go up there and be getting it all Vancouver is amazing I've never been to vancouver but i hear it's great yeah vancouver is awesome if i had to live in any country that wasn't the u.s nobody tell trump or they'll be in some shit heard a lot of people say we could have 51 states i say why stop there

i say we take canada split it up into five, make it even 35. You know, there's not many more. And then we invade Puerto Rico. We could give them Puerto Rico. They'd have a place to vacation. We'd take Vancouver. Everything's cool. I don't think they're going to make that trade. You want to trade Puerto Rico for Vancouver?

I do. Yeah, I also want to trade a Ken Griffey Jr. rookie card for nothing. I mean, Puerto Rico's pretty fucked right now, right? Yeah. It has potential. Hey, think about it. It's a fixer-upper, right? The only reason Puerto Rico is so bad is because it's not Puerto Rican.

If we showed it with Canadians, maybe it'd be fine. Could we have a show on HGTV called Flip That Territory? All right, so me and my gay brother, we just got here. We're going to flip Puerto Rico. Hey, the whole fucking island just got pressure washed. It's clean. Oh, jeez. Yeah.

If we do the show of Flip That Territory, I think they're going to have to bring in a specialty electrician. It's probably the most important person on the show. Elon Musk, special guest star. Oh, yeah. If we could trade one state for an equally sized state or country somewhere else, because I guess we have to include countries because most states in the U.S. are the size of European countries. What trade would you want to make?

Wyoming is huge and it sucks so let's trade right wyoming for like ah all of scandinavia norway yeah yeah it's probably well i need to like look at the size comparison for wyoming because i know it's gigantic and like half a million people live in that enormous what happens to the people that are there do they they then become citizens of Saskatchewan? What do they become then? They just go to Montana or something. Taylor has it. Alaska for most of Europe. That's not bad.

I don't know why I said Taylor. There's a lot of natural resources up there though, right? And the strategic importance of being right there across the street from Russia. Isn't Montana bigger than Wyoming? Europe's across the street from Russia. Isn't Montana bigger than Wyoming? Europe's across the street from Russia. The natural resources like natural gas

and oil replaced by sun. I say we trade Alaska and look at that overlay of Alaska on Europe. We could get France, Germany, Switzerland. I particularly like that it doesn't take Spain because who wants that? I don't want Spain anyway. We get a little bit of Italy, the, Switzerland. I particularly like that it doesn't take Spain. Because who wants that?

I don't want Spain anyway. We get a little bit of Italy. The northern part. No, you see that part that's going down over Greece and Albania or whatever? Just shift that to Italy. Yeah, just move all that into the places we like it. Also, look at all that shit that's over the water. You guys don't want any of Africa?

Yeah, we could reform this. No, no, Africa's fine. Why not? Why don't want any of Africa? Yeah, we could reform this. No, no, Africa's fine. Why not? Why don't you want any Africa? What country would you see? Is it because of the Africans? No! It's not good land!

What are you talking about? It's full of incredible natural... That's where the diamonds are from! That's where the Kimberly Diamond mines are from. They're all like gold and the uranium. They've also got cool animals. They're all like gold and the uranium. They're full of fucking natural resources. I actually... I love that we look at this through the lens of civilization.

Civilization. It's exactly like that. They have cinnamon and the morale is fantastic. They have cinnamon. And the two-star happiness. Four points. I actually would... I mean, you're right in terms of if you want to go to a place richest in natural resources you do go to Africa

which is why Africa has had a problem for so long because that's what Europe did they basically were like let's rape this land and their people they look like a hardy bunch I bet they could be employed

why would we pay them Nigel we'll chop their hands off if they don't work that was uh those were the Belgians I think right who did the rubber hand thing it's a common industry well the thing that, I mean,

it wouldn't have anybody left to pick the rubber. You cut their children's hands off. Yeah, but who's the next generation of rubber pickers? You make them make more children. We can work around all these problems, Taylor. Children are an infinite resource.

I don't think that's how right. I don't know enough about children to disagree. I'll tell you what, a one-handed child is a better rubber picker than a two-handed child, because that one-handed child has a lot to lose! They lose one more hand

and somebody else is going to have to wipe your ass. It's like the chickens. They walk into a wall and they become two children. Chicken lays the egg, grows into a chicken, then lays another egg. That's why there are no male chickens. I love this. I love this.

You had such a wings of redemption mode and I love it. It was so fucking stupid. That was the dumbest thing I've ever seen. As soon as it came out, I'm like, oh, how am I going to backtrack over this one? That was so fucking stupid. Why did I say that? Chiz just goes, ever seen a chicken dick?

I guess we can make a request to that Pornhub lady. A request. Someone wanted to see me get fucked by a chicken. Or ducks have the nastiest penises. They do. Yeah. They're like a skinny little like...

Oh, this says... Hold on a second. There's a YouTube that says why chickens don't have a penis? What? Wait, who made a YouTube video about that? Uh, I don't know. It says...

Oh, because male chickens and birds do not have a penis. Little or no phallus. They reproduce through internal fertilization. What? Does that count as fucking? I'm going to have to look this up. We may have jumped the gun here. I googled

how do chickens have sex and it came up with a YouTube video of a chicken fucking a shoe. How do chickens have sex? Let's just watch a video of a chicken having sex. Chickens having sex is a YouTube video. It says rooster inseminates the hen. Yeah.

It's not very exciting. Oh, well, here's a nice video of it. 25 seconds, so it's good. He's not a stamina kind of guy. 25 seconds. Are you sure he doesn't fuck a shoe in that one? Oh, you're right. He fucks a shoe.

There's a video that says, how do chickens reproduce? And the person in it is wearing this, like, giant pink. I'm gonna send this to you guys I mean I'm because wait hold on you guys you guys have to see just the beginning of this video is good enough I'm sending it just this character as a huge another again this is a person who got up one day and said I'm gonna wear to wear this. And I'm going to wear this for my YouTube video about how chickens reproduce. And it has 120,000 views. Oh, I bet Becky's a good gal. It's her homestead. It is.

All right, stop with the intro, Becky. Let's see the chickens fucking. Hold on. No, but you got to see the intro. Wait, where are you? where are you on the video I have it if you're curious it's this video

named several clips of my chickens mating and at like 7-8 seconds you get a fantastic view wow so I guess the girl gets on the ground, the guy bites her in the back of the head and fucks her doggy style.

First I have to see an ad for Wix, apparently. It's not like fucking. It's just like a little deposit. It's hard to tell with all that wing flapping. Hop on and then immediately off. So it's like seven seconds in? Yeah. I'm very confused. so it's like seven seconds in yeah

I'm very confused it looks like he's doing the middle of her back it takes half a second yeah where's the bird dick I think he just puts his leg in her I don't think you're much of a biologist. She goes,

I love the narrator. Do you want to put on a show? What the fuck is this? The woman seems to be getting off on this. Wow. I skipped ahead to 328. There's some good videography in this in which one? the one I sent?

how do chickens reproduce yeah yeah was it 328 you said? yeah yeah they just takes them about a third of a second

just a little squat on top and that's it well the more you know knowledge is power about a third of a second. Just a little squat on top and that's it. Well, the more you know, knowledge is power. So, uh, here it is. Oh, they make similar noises to what I make. Just nice sensual clucking. Yeah.

Oh my god, the next time I have sex with someone, I'm going to ask her if she wants to do it chicken style. Yeah. Oh my god, the next time I have sex with someone I'm going to ask her if she wants to do it chicken style. Yeah. She's like, what does that mean? I'm like doggy style, but I last half a second. That's exactly right. Yeah. That's my favorite style of sex. I always do it chicken style with my gal.

It takes me half a second to pause it, and then I walk around disinterested with a jerky neck around the room for a little while. And I give her a couple of vicious pecks until you find another chicken. Jesus.

Well, you know, we all learned something today. Especially you. I learned that you can literally burn your tongue from a pussy that's too sour. And you won't be able to talk for a week. Basic. Too basic. If you, yeah, if you, so if you fuck a basic bitch.

If you fuck a basic bitch. Kyle, were you about to dispute that and say that's not true? I thought that the case he described was that the pussy was too basic because of the birth control, and then when she went off the birth control, it, like, reversed and went... No, no, no, no. He was saying that, like,

until it got used to the birth control. Ah, okay. I can read it again. A relatively unknown side effect of birth control is it can mess with the pH of vaginal fluid, often making it more basic. There isn't much that could have been done about it until her body adjusted to the birth control naturally balancing the ph back so it made her

too basic it appears yeah um by the way uh when i send when i send this show to my publisher to be like hey i'm out there promoting the book uh i'm just going to clip that segment, if that's cool. Why? For the volcano vagina. Yeah, I'm just going to be like, hey, I was on this show, and they wouldn't give me footage of the rest of the show for some reason. Don't Google. Please don't Google. No, don't Google it.

How long did it take you to write the book? Oh, it's a parody show of what actually terrible people would say. Yeah, exactly. How long did it take you to write the book? Oh, it's a parody show of what actually terrible people would say. Yeah, exactly. How long did it take you to write the book? From the time it was conceived as a full idea until it was done was about six months. Okay. And part of that was because they gave me very strict deadlines where they're like,

you need this draft by this day. Because once I did the first draft like the changes weren't crazy it was really well and it's all it's all like short stories it's all like 2 000 word stories basically and so it was like doing about 30 of those and so i just for a month i was like i'm just cranking one of these out a day you know i'm just gonna sit down and write a story and then some days i couldn't and some days I'd do two or three. But the goal was to average one a day and just get it done. And that's kind of how I did it. Nice.

I get another one of these questions in here. Someone asked me... Oh, yes, of course. I wanted to... Steve, I noticed a little sign there behind you. What's that about? Oh, like my diploma, you mean? No, no, no. Underneath the diploma.

Above the devil thing, underneath the diploma. Oh. Oh, this. Yeah, it says fuck legitimate rage. Ah! Always keep that. Yeah. I didn't do that, though. It came with the house. That makes sense.

I think I got something right here, too. I'll probably hate it, though. It came with the house. That makes sense. I think I got somewhere after, too. Wildly hated men. You know, I like a little bit of continuity. Do you know what I love about you not asking me that until the way end of this show? Is that, like, the common refrain from people who are, like, mad

at me about the whole fuck legitimate rage thing, which also, love pka people so much it's it's almost like uh like we identify each other in the wild like whether it's a comment on reddit or like someone coming to a show and the first thing they go they'll just go fuck legitimate rage and i'll go sewer person and then like we know each other you know and so uh i love that like but the most common complaint from the people who don't like it is they they do the uh beating a dead horse and then they use the same dead horse memes ironically that they've used a thousand times yeah and then they make fun of your forehead yeah yeah absolutely

and uh and so i love that it didn't come up it's just been sitting here this whole fucking time and i wonder how many people i'm very curious in the comments how many people noticed it before you said anything yeah on the version that i recorded that is gone and lost and crashed while you guys were talking i zoomed in on it and put it like across the whole screen without any mention of it yeah but that won't be a part of the show yeah yeah i like i like i wanted it to be subtle i mean the developers of the house before I bought this place wanted it to be subtle they're big fans of the show

even though I've lived here since after I first did the show but the point is that look I just want to say I actually want to say Legitimate Rage has been cool about the whole thing yes which I appreciate I just want to say, I actually want to say legitimate rage has been cool about the whole thing.

Yes. Which I appreciate because like most people who live in a sewer would be upset. They're a sensitive bunch. I think it's because their skin has been eroded from all of the toxic fumes. That's it.

So when they say thin skin, I mean imagine having none at all. All that basic bitch pussy juice. I don't the only one that wants to see like a ninja turtle porno where they fuck the uh the reporter uh unfortunately no right like she was always super hot i i saw you know i was producing reddit today and i and i saw like a nude of her what was her name april o'neill april o'neill yeah so nude of the actress What was her name? April O'Neil. You saw a nude of the actress or of the cartoon? The cartoon. Was it Ninja Turtles, some parody of Deadpool?

The fluid that turned Deadpool into a super person turned the Ninja Turtles into super turtles. The guy that taught Deadpool how to fight... Oh, Daredevil it is. The guy that taught taught deadpool how to fight oh daredevil it is and the guy that taught daredevil how to fight was like stick or something and the guy that taught

the turtles were splinter so they're not a parody but they exist in the marvel universe and the ooze is uh is canon within the marvel universe that's that's it went into the sore and turned the turtles into ninja turtles and it turned daredevil into daredevil and look the point is woody woody the point is whether or not kyle's gonna fuck april o'neill all right don't don't don't go off topic here we need to know if kyle's gonna fuck a cartoon i would if i could maybe vr maybe in VR. And then everybody will spit. You'll be fucking her and you'll be like,

Jesus, do it. It's radical. God damn it, you got me to do it. You the real queen. Yeah, well, thank you, Steve. Say goodbye to that book deal. Thank you. Thanks to Steve Popstead for coming on the show Check out his book And check out our sponsor Stitch Fix

Commission U and Casper Links to all of those things will be down in the description below Very good