Painkiller Already - Painkiller Already #380

Episode Date: April 6, 2018

This week on PKA, Tucker aka IIJERiiCHOII is back and he shares his recent adventures, or lack of adventures, on Tinder. Then they share some poop stories from their lives and the guys discuss just how smelly can a lady's box get before you bounce out. What more did you expect?

All right. PKA episode 380 with our guest Tucker. Kyle? A couple sponsors, SmartMouth, GetQuip, and Stitch Fix. Check them out down below, especially SmartMouth. I think they set up a whole URL just for us. So go ahead and while we're getting started here, click that. See if you can crash that site.

That'd be fun. Yeah, let's get into it. SmartMouth.com slash PKA. Yeah. Give them hell. It's on their screen and probably in your description. But, yeah, they would think highly of us if you clicked on that so help me anyway anyway we've got we've got tucker yeah i'm

fucking back again you sound excited yeah yeah i know it's just a chore what is this like the night time i've been here no it's always good i heard that on a live stream, they were talking about Taylor's wild success on Tinder, which has impressed all of us. And you said that Tinder, that Taylor is a Midwestern treasure and you're an LA three. Yes. I'm still an LA three. I mean, like I'm, I firmly believe that there are tiers based on where you live, right? Like if you're in Montana and you're not diabetic, like you've got the world as your oyster. You're at least a six. Yeah, but I was walking down the street.

I just came back from lunch. I was walking down the street and the homeless people look better than me. And it's just like that's the competition I'm dealing with. You should go to West Virginia. Be like all 32, baby. All 32. Look, I have cousins and I don't even see

them, so you, Mary Beth, you could be mine. Tinder's not. I uninstalled that app for a bit. It was just detrimental to self-worth. Yeah, when I'm swiping, I'm usually on the toilet. It's a thing to do when you pass time or like in an uber and after a couple weeks

I was just like okay like I had like holy shit my uber driver just swiped left on me right like I'm looking at you So wait a minute it you had something invested in these girls like you're like, oh, I hope this one will swipe right on me No, no, i mean i tinder tinder is very it's like built for the type of person that you'd expect it to be like everybody there is looking realistically for either their absolute soulmate and their cancer and they would love to give you all their astrological signs or you have the people that are like i just want to fuck a little bit you know you have the women and the men you'd be surprised.

I've looked at my friends' Tinder, and it's just like, it's not that much better over there. You've got, like, the same amount of, like, fuckboys. I don't know how else you'd explain it. Oh, an insane number of fuckboys. Like, the girls I talk to, friends of mine who have Tinder, like, I'll think I'm, like, hot shit, right? I'll get, like, a lot of matches. And they'll be like, oh.

You know, and I'll see them pull up their app, and it's, like, you know, 3,400 matches. It's like, God, Dick is, Dick is so free. It is though. Dick is literally the freest element in the world. I learned from Dick in hydrogen. Dick is abundant and therefore has no value. Wait, wait. That's, I think you just solved Tinder's conundrum. dick is so prevalent that i don't have value anymore yeah like i just stand there and my opening line is like listen i'm really average in everything that i do like it's annoyingly so would do you want to hang out with me no no i want an asshole or i want like a really nice guy like i don't want like you know i don't want the joe i

don't want the oh you gotta get yourself better you want the Joe. I don't want the. Oh, you got to get yourself better. You're not average at all. Yeah. No. Oh, I'm aware of how many followers you have. Can you. So honestly, quality segue. There's this dating app called Raya, which is we might have brought up, which is explicitly for an application based app where you have to apply.

They check your social media. They check like how real world famous you are and they accept you. I got denied as well as a lot of my friends that applied. I don't even have an iOS device, which is what you need. Then I had a meeting with somebody, ran into somebody who actually co-created the app. He's like, yeah, dude, I'll green light you. Here you go. I was like, okay, cool cool hop on the app i swear to god it's like looking at the red carpet at the emmys and every single person there is looking to date an nba star an nfl star whatever so far in two weeks zero matches but we're keeping our hopes up there is

if you're in la3 what if you're a ray at two and a half i'm a ray of zero like like nobody goes on this app and it's like this kid plays video games oh that's me i'm like another hacker how'd this guy get in here it's like i'm tired of professional right right yeah nothing this peak physical form man with millions of dollars i want a guy who plays video games in his home like Like, that's what I want. I want a boyfriend I refer to by his gamer tag. Oh, shit. So did you get rid of your Jericho? They call me Jericho. That's your opening line.

I'm a tenth prestige in bed. You have no idea. Because I'll blow your walls out. I'll break your walls down. So you uninstalled it. Yeah. And for a while, which makes me think you reinstalled it. It is on my phone.

What's your, have you had any success so far? Or what do you qualify as success, given what you're looking for? Okay, so I have a very, very, like, non-specific story that I can discuss. uh, like non-specific story that I can, I can discuss. I, I, uh, had some slight success with somebody so much so that we were talking for like a solid month. And I was like, yo, like, come out, hang out with me. Let's, uh, let's hang out for a couple of days and I'll take some time off of work and we'll just, you know, you can stay with me and we'll see what's up. And like within 30, 30 minutes of picking, uh, them up, it was was just I already knew how big of a mistake I had made. Because like you really you know people and you can talk with them, but like you don't know what it's like to spend that much time with them.

Right. It's like within 30 minutes, I was like, oh, fuck, guys. Like I texted my friend and I was like, Chaney, listen, I need you to hang out with me every single day. Like I need you to take four hours of your day every day to give me some relief here, which she was like, absolutely fucking not. You, you sleep in that bed that you made, but like it was, yeah, it was a really terrible experience. What was your biggest complaint about this young lady? Like, like what was the thing about her that irked you the most? It's going to sound so bad because she was honestly very sweet. Like, you the most it's gonna sound so bad because she was honestly very sweet like uh very all right complaint number one still in school i i i know this is weird because i'm only i just turned 25

last week but like the thought of having somebody in school and like hearing the complaints about like coursework makes my dick fall off like the thought of having to like console somebody like yes i know tommy is not a good uh pa or ta and it's like really grading your homework harshly but like i got rear-ended by an uninsured driver i have real things to deal with like that's the level of complaint that i need i need you to be like i'm getting reamed in state taxes not like come on yeah i finished school when i was 31. Tucker would never date me. The ideal girl has these problems. She's like, yeah, yeah, algebra one is really tough. You know, I'm having a hard time.

Wait, wait, wait. Multiplying fractions. Wait, wait, wait. When did you learn algebra one? That was like middle school, Kyle. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Ideal girl. Now you're following along. Yeah, I dated a girl who didn't have coursework in so long.

I don't even remember. It's nice to, you know. See, because they have places to be. Their time is limited. You know, they can't be. No, their time is. They have so much time. Oh, there's cheerleader practice.

Dare. Yeah. You got to stay away from drugs. No. I mean, shit. It uh eye-opening because that was the first time that i actually like put effort into uh like like hey there might be something here where i could you know i could i could potentially see you more often i'm not ready to say like i could date you but like oh there's there's something here and uh the fact of the

matter is that she was very fixated on like like, two aspects of her life which were, for whatever reason, like, the most unattractive things. And it was school, like, school life. Like, very real normal drama shit that you go through when you're a female in college or high school. She was not in high school, by the way. Very much in graduate school. So it's even worse of a complaint for me to be, like, schoolwork. And then, um, and yeah,

and she just didn't have any, any interests outside of that. So like, I learned a lot about drama classes and operettas and how much her, uh, choreographer was a bitch and all this stuff. And I was like, great.

So let's talk about other stuff. It was a culmination. Talk about all the other women that they dislike in their life. It's always so interesting. I mean, yeah, it's obviously it goes both ways there are dudes they're like man fuck that guy but like this was a special case it's like god this reminds me so much of high school like i don't want this i really don't want this see back in high school the mistake of so you you texted this this woman for hey hold on i hung out with her in person for three straight days for the majority of each day so it wasn't't like I was like, hey, let me get to know you online.

Hey, come out here. Like, that's such a bold step. Like, I had my first meeting with her was in person. And the time I spent with her was pretty plentiful. So, like, looking back, there were some signs. I was like, well, you dumbass. Like, it was very, like, you don't need to. You could have just seen this coming.

But I, you know. Are you sure you're not being, like you don't need to you could have just seen this coming but i you know are you sure you're not being like well that's kind of rude am i sure i'm not being a you know just a little bit closed-minded a little bit of a chooser yeah yeah like i hear beggars can't be choosers yeah yeah well i i that's that's a shit thing to say i i i stop myself you know i i don't think you're a beggar by by any chance i i don't think you're a choosing beggar i know a choosing beggar but but i don't think you fit that mold. I was going to say a minute ago that back in high school, the coolest of the cool kids went to four proms. It meant that as a freshman, someone invited you to senior prom.

And then as a sophomore, of course, you're invited again. And then as a junior and senior, you can go on your own, even if you invite an underclassman. I've been to like 15 proms now. I'm the king of the castle, baby. That is ridiculous. That's very true, though. That's a lot of proms. Come on.

I just bought the tux. I mean, I was losing money renting the thing, right? Absolutely. You've got to be ready for me. You've got your stamp pass. By the way, by the way. This is your 10th prom, sir. Free parking. They're stamping that thing. By the way way this is your 10th prom sir free parking yeah they're

stamping that thing by the way this is an anthony kumia joke i have not been to a dozen proms anthony kumia look we love anthony he comes on the show occasionally been a while since we've been able to to coordinate things with his people man has people but as a 56 year old man he he went to a prom with a 17-year-old girl. And I'm not sure if that's the coolest thing ever or the scariest thing ever. It is not the coolest thing ever. Woody, I got to ask Woody here. Woody, when a man older than you, by a decade, comes over to pick up your 17-year-old daughter, what's your reaction? Well, I thought you were going to ask whether it was the coolest,

coolest for him, scariest for her. Even scarier for you though. I got to imagine like she's older than you just asked your daughter out. Yeah. That's seriously not going to happen. But if you're 56 and you, and for some reason you want to find a really young girl to be with,

like why go to all the way down to a high school prom? Can you find a nice low as you can I legally go I know but why can't you find like a nice? You know 27 year old girl. That's still like a 30 year difference almost ah that's 20s a used car watch Your life's basically over by 25. By 25, that's when girls go rotten. It's like a banana that you left out for a little too long. It's just like, I'm sure it probably tastes fine, but... No one's going to peel you.

No, no. There are pictures of this. Should we show the picture of Anthony Cumia with his 17-year-old date? Because... Yeah. Let's see it is such a creepy picture to look at because like you can see how the like the parents don't look entirely comfortable because if it's the picture i'm thinking of it's anthony then this

very very young high school student you know 17 or 18 i guess and then her two parents and i don't know how they could stand there and smile. I didn't want to dox the parents or show their images because they're the most shameful in all this. First of all, kind of a cute girl. Okay, look, he is, this is crazy. This bothers me so much. Look at the look on Anthony's face!

You know what? I'll tell you what's going through his mind right now. This is gonna be Exhibit A one day, isn't it? Yeah, this picture right here. This is fucking evidence. God damn it, how do I get out of this? Could I have that camera? Could I see that? Delete, delete, delete, delete. That's not what I'm seeing on his face. I'm seeing, like, a shit-eating grin.

Like, fuck yeah, look Like fuck yeah Look at me And look at what I have This is what I scored Hey good to be rich and famous Fuck this bothers That one the most recent one Is uncomfortable for me Cause it looks like store brand

Casey Neistat is standing next to The rest Like this is just so Good call he does look like old store brand Casey Neistat is standing next to the rest of it. Like, this is just so obvious. Oh, good call. He does look like old Casey Neistat a little bit, right? Look at the one of him in this suit. Like, the size of that suit, it looks like he's 8% through being shot with a shrink ray.

Look how long it is. You would think he'd have a suit that fits. a really rich guy he's a my suit is much nicer than this this is this is there's no excuse for this my suit is three times nicer than this his collar's even wrinkled he was wearing that suit that day he just he just left work and came to pick up this 17 year old girl in girl in his car, of course. I want to know the details. Was it in a 98 Civic? Did he spring for the limo?

There's no way I'd have ever gone to prom and not been in a limo. And I didn't know a girl who would like... I didn't go to prom with a limo, but it was just logistically a problem. I did go to prom in a limo because I dated somebody outside of school, so I went to four proms. I know. She was either a great thing or a really bad thing. Outside of school, did she have a radio show?

And how old was she? She was 57. No, no, no. She lived in proximity to me, so I knew her outside of school. She went to a different one. I went to her prom in a limo, and my prom I didn't go with a limo because I lived so far away from my school, it just

wasn't financially viable for two kids to ride in a limo by themselves. Oh, you had the prom at your school? I mean, the location was near. One prom was at Edgar Allan Poe's church. Weird. The other one was at M&T Bank Stadium, which is where the Ravens play.

That was her. It made sense with her, but going in a limo was basically a bunch of kids sardined into a small limo drinking non-alcoholic champagne spilling it on each other for like 25 minutes. That is not our experience. No, I had the opposite experience.

First year, we had a stretch navigator and we were playing that that um that r kelly song where he's rapping about no that's a different we were watching that video but but you know he's rapping about being in the stretch navigator and uh and it was yeah yeah it's a key to ignition ignition mama rolling that body got every man a new wish. Alright, anyway, and there was booze left in the limo from the previous degenerates who were in there. They were like, not like the bottles that came in, but they pour them in the fancy crystal bottles that are square and everything.

There was Crown and vodka in there, but i brought myself a big fucking bottle of vodka for the whole crowd so when we got out of that limo junior prom we were trashed how staggering how did you and and this is for all of you guys because for my my prom nobody drank until after or post-prom so school the school in an effort to cut down from drinking would host their own post-prom right afterwards and then there was post post-post-prom, which was the house party that started at like two in the morning and went till whenever. But like you would not drink at prom because our headmaster would greet every one of you and would look, you know, you got to think ahead.

What you do is you make sure that so the teachers chaperone the prom, right? Right. They got kids of their own. Make sure that kid is chaperone the prom, right? They got kids of their own. Make sure that kid is in your limo. And he is the drunkest of you all. No way a mother is kicking her own son out of prom. And she'd have to kick us all out, right? And in the second year, we had a 4D chess.

Yes, I'm impressed. Absolutely. I was ahead of my game. And then in the second year we got a stretch hummer and you know when you split it like i don't know i don't know if the girls had to pay for it but i think there were four couples in in each each group maybe three or four couples or something like that um i don't know if the girls paid i know my girl didn't pay um i know i paid her part but i don't know about the other girls. But anyway, yeah, prom was always fun. Dude, my stretch limo, so my junior year, being the first limo I had ever rented, it went really shitty.

Here's the deal. We were supposed to split it three ways, but nobody was renting the limo. We just all assumed someone else would do it. So eventually, I'm like, what? We don't have a – so I got it done. The thing is, all the good limos were gone. This thing, it's a stretch limo but it was shitty and old and on the inside one of the door handles literally didn't work so you had to

wait for the chauffeur to come out and get your door for you which you know you could play off but we knew and uh it was shitty enough that one of the couples was like i'm not paying for this limo and i'm like but you're you're reimbursing me like i already paid for this like you can't just not pay and it's like well i'm not it's like so we took him to small claims court i just got ripped off and it like to him he was taking like a moral stand but of course he just really just left me with the tab i didn't know that well yeah what a prick you can't be like like a third of the way through dinner and if you're paying i'll be like oh this steak isn't even good you

know what else is fucked up it's still in my head the chauffeur from that limo was good looking right and my mom is like oh look at the chauffeur he's gonna steal one of your dates and it's like you're supposed to think highly of me you know like thanks she's been tearing you down for a generation you know what she had lust in her heart and you know she committed adultery in her heart with that limo driver that's a sin those are the rules one of the ten commandments our limo driver uh limo driver actually ruined one of my proms because my date, her uncle, had been killed by a drunk driver, right? Very traumatic thing in her life.

Our limo driver takes us to the drive-thru liquor store, buys us all liquor. We give him a little cash. He shifts the liquor to the back seat. Then he has himself a beer while he's driving. She did not like this. Then he starts talking about, yeah, sometimes I make long runs from Atlanta down to

Miami. I just do a line of coke right off the hood of this son of a bitch. I'm good to go all night long. You know, a few weeks ago, we had Britney Spears in here, and a bunch of girls. You know her ass is fake, too? And he's telling us all these raunchy stories and stuff about it.

At one point, he's like, ah, I had some lesbians in there one time. They were all fucking each other. My prom date is livid. Ruined the whole fucking night. There wasn't even any making out, let alone sex. The night was ruined by that alone. Because my friend and I laughed at this joke about the...

It was funny. There was an adult and he was giving us alcohol. You laugh along even if he is talking about doing lines of coke off the hood of his limo while he drives you to your senior prom. This was her senior prom. In my area,

there was always drinking in the limo because I feel like it was generally understood the limos were to prevent drinking and driving. So they were kind of like, I don't know, a party bus? And that was the expectation that they would prevent people from driving. Taylor, if you're on Tinder and you see Kumia's date, let's just say she's 18 because I know

that's your mandatory minimum as they say 16 age of consent not in his state not ready to fight that one would she be a yay or a nay she's cute but nay thought so

is this a unique opinion here? When I'm on Tinder, my minimum is set to 21 because the thought of trying to field a day where we don't go to a bar or like we go out and have drinks is a pretty miserable idea for me. No. The minimum is 18. I want you.

I want to lay that out just turned 25 okay so 18 would be seven years younger than me um roughly 20 percent younger than me yeah 20 yeah big years the difference between 17 and 25 are huge yeah yeah so it's not like your mom is seven years younger than your dad i mean so i just the thought of of matching with somebody who's like 19 and she's like well i have class tomorrow and no we can't go to the bar to a restaurant that has carding because la has carding it's uh restaurants after 8 p.m on weekends sometimes it's like oh we can't do that i'm like i'm not even going to bother with you. That makes sense. Yeah. As far as if Tucker's looking to date somebody,

he's going to be going out to a bar, and he's going to have to wait three years before she can come along. Look, I drink a lot, all right? I'm not willing to give that up for you, okay? So you need to be able to kill yourself with me. He's not a disciple of the Church of Kyle. I'm getting this clearly. I'm not. i wait oh this is actually ties in really well i have never hooked up with anyone younger than me in my entire life

not even a day younger not even a day younger why do you think that is that's not a choice that wasn't like a thing that i'm like hey how old are you great let's go or like no i just i found out whether it was after the fact or during so that every single person I've hooked up with is either, at the very minimum, I think like two months older than me. I don't know why. You're going to have to turn that around or you'll lose your pew position. Those are rookie

numbers. Gotta pump those numbers up. Those are rookie numbers. Oh, that one girl that you were talking to, you said the first time you met her in person was obviously in person. that you were talking to, you said the first time you met her in person was obviously in person. You'd been talking to her on text or on Tinder for like a month up to that? No, I met her in person at this event for the first time, and we exchanged numbers, and then it went from there.

Oh, okay. So it wasn't... Okay. Yeah. All right. It was not a text or online first and then real life second. It was real life, then text, then real life. I feel like you're discriminating against the most impressionable group of ladies that exists.

It's practically racism. I... Ageism. Ageism. I know what it is. I'm just trying to make a parallel here. I'm just trying to really stoke the flames. This is the age group that you could parlay your Twitch and YouTube fame into something.

I would never. That makes – I would never. I can't think of a time where I've ever thought to myself, like, hey, let's leverage our social or public outreach in order to get sex. It's disgusting. I don't think it's disgusting like it happens. It's just for me, I just, I don't,

oh, you're saying I'm disgusting. No, no, no, no. He's mocking as if he would never. No, no, I just, that's not appealing to me. I don't know why. I'm saying it's a damn waste for you to not do that.

Kyle knows fully the influence that you need. Kyle knows the value here. Kyle was using Facebook like Tinder before Tinder was a thing. Before he quits that reach. Kyle was about to lay out something that I've heard before as i mentioned i want to hear it a hundred times i was a lifeguard right an ocean lifeguard at the time baywatch was a popular show and you're real fit and stuff and um i'm like man every girl likes us and an older guard explained

to me no no no no girls like you until they're like 18 or 19 and somewhere around that age lifeguard goes from like the coolest guy on this whole beach to what a fucking loser he's a lifeguard at 20 shouldn't he be interning at ernst and young or something like that and uh yeah so i feel like with your social media outreach, you can't reach down into the teens much longer, Tucker, not to hurt your feelings. I think I'm okay with that. But if you want to leverage, like, a Twitch following, then it's time to seize the 18-year-old now. Can we? No. I can, okay, to be blunt, like there are many instances every week where somebody who is either, somebody who either I have heard of or know of,

come into my chat who is a clearly single broadcaster and, you know, is just, is hanging out in there for, pick a reason. But it, you know, to me it kind of seems a little bit, it's only started happening now that i'm single these are boys or girls girls um with this brilliant pun broadcaster i did you not mean to do that oh i'm not that funny man i mean yeah but you're right that hey but i'm but um okay that like there's nothing appealing about using my position in a way that would convince somebody who otherwise might not be interested to like the old-timey gold miner who's down in his hole with a pick and an axe and he's looking over the horizon at the guys using the hydraulic hoses just washing the hill dry and the gold's just raining down in the bucket. It's like, ah! I wouldn't even want that gold. Pink!

I mean, you're not wrong. Yeah, I just, I don't know. Chris Rock's new comedy routine. People are like, dude, you can't put your picture on Tinder because girls will only fuck you because, you know, they think you're Chris Rock. And he's like, but I do want them to fuck me and I am Chris Rock.

Yeah. You're not using your tools tucker i even dealt a full hand of cards and you're only playing like two yeah i have how about this i have i have played my hand several times and and most of these times are not worth the effort and or uh possibly negative things that can come from doing that in a public space right like if i if i put myself out either privately or publicly as jericho right that opens me up to a a large list of things that could possibly be turned back on me even if it's just normal consenting adults being consenting adults like i want my leaked dick pic to be tucker's leaked dick pic not like jericho shows his dick you know i mean yeah does that make even remotely amount of sense it does

actually make some sense yeah yeah i still think like if you're hanging up to kyle's point is you're not wanting to go below 21 you can still leverage your fame for i'm not leveraged i will not do that i just that's not that's out of the question i just don't want to but if you were a a very successful financial advisor or something same age as you are now okay wouldn't you use that to kind of show how impressive you were like see look at this i've got a work ethic i've got a job that's going to be here for a while like yeah you can flex you can flex without being, I am important in the public space. Like, yes, if like I will take you out to a nice steakhouse and we will go to a nice club and I and we will have come to every like I can do the game. It's just that my first foot forward is not like I'm going to play you like a fiddle here.

Here's the list of things we're going to do. Like, I'd rather just slowly get there instead of like, here's all I can do. Who's ready to take some like you know what i mean yeah you don't have to do it ham-handedly where it's like oh you don't want to blow me well look how many twitter followers i have you bitch like you could just be like as an aside this is my career isn't this really neat oh that is really neat oh and this is the number of people who follow me oh so this isn't some you know weekend thing like a hobby like hiking like you're right legit like and that's very impressive and i and i

do all right uh example there was a music festival which i know the people that run it so i have uh all access tickets to that that is absolutely something that i have in the past and will in the future be like hey i'm going to this festival. Here's this all access pass. We're just going to roam around and do our thing and be the cool kids. Right. Like that's that's using my position in a way that other people can't. And it's also giving them benefit. But it's not like a heavy handed way of doing it. And it's also not directly tied into my job, but it is.

So when she's like, well, how did you get this? Well, I know the artists. I know this guy. Here's how I know them. Right. You can like ease in the conversation. But I just don't want any first impressions or like second impressions to be remotely related to gaming or our industry for better or for worse. Just be like, you know, Drake is one of my fans.

Yeah. Yeah. If I were Ninja, I'd be like, so you remember, I don't know if you heard, but I played with Drake. Like I have his number. I'm going to give him a call right now. Like Taylor, can I ask you? Can you just give me drake's number how do you flex right like if you're talking to a girl on tinder or something and you want her to know that you're quite the prize what's your flex move oh i just tells a joke try and be funny and then make sure that the picture that's featured on uh you know

my page of tinder is literally me in a tank top showing off my body. You literally flex. You don't ever link PKA episodes, do you? No, because the content of this podcast is not conducive. Not conducive to one bit. I mean, but you think that my Minecraft Let's Play is conducive of sex? Oh, I'm getting a little wet right now. It depends on your demo, right?

No! I don't want to venture down here. Step one, Tucker. Move to Costa Rica, okay? Fill in the blanks. You know why. Or Brazil. Step two. Alright? You gotta lower that tender number down. 21 is just silly.

If you'll only date a girl if you can get her drunk, which is what I'm twisting your words into. You can get drunk at any age, Tucker. That Minecraft advice is great. Anthony should start a Minecraft channel. If he knew the untapped resource that it was, he certainly would. I want to save that joke and get him on the show. Yeah, he does play video games.

Yeah, he does. I just found this picture of Kumia, I think, at his actual high school prom. I'm pretty sure his date when he's 56 years old is actually younger than the girl he or at least younger looking than the girl he went to. Oh, that's not his high school prom?

I think that's his wife. Or was his wife. Alright, well, that's not his high school prom. I think that's his wife or was his wife. All right. Well, I Google not married. Kumi at prom pictures. He's got a little bit of ice Poseidon look in this one. You see,

he's, he's got a little bit of Al Qaeda in him in this one. Yeah. In the words of Colin Quinn, he looks like a back alley, Tunisian knife fighter. Name the blade of the west i saw a picture on uh behold the master race that's a subreddit that i'm a moderator on not really and i was like really no yeah you got to add that not really or

things get out of hand and i it was like a group of white supremacists meet you know and i looked at the picture for whatever reason i was just going through our all and i was like is that that's anthony cumia it's i had the senator chis i was like is this really a meeting of white supremacists he's like no no they're just making fun of him no they're just making fun of him they do that because you know he's a racist that's a that's a product of ONA subreddit because I'll pop in there and I've said it before, it's like the comments are probably the funniest place on Reddit as far as actual jokes where it's not just

derivative lists of puns and shit and they will take pictures of Anthony and post it on places like that and pretend he's like this you know, a grand wizard of the KKK and pick out just the worst pictures of him. what the fuck is this tucker it's pretty funny so so i all i did was uh i set my tinder to age 18 to 20 because

i've never been in that range but i've also forgot to uh to inform you guys that since i live in la anybody who is ages 18 to 22 in tinder uh uh is probably trying to be an actress and model or is like you know so this was the very first photo that i that came up um a uh someone who has who is 18 years old has a myriad of plastic surgery done as she looks like a cat person and not like not like not like somebody who would have cats but somebody who is trying to become a cat That's not a sexy cat either like it's like she's like a gross cat person like her lips are enormous and she's got those like Awful awful eyebrows that are like drawn on like as thick as my fucking thumb like like like you'd like like Rafiki just went Simba over her fucking forehead it's just a little is she though right she's young, and I don't want her life to be over.

No, no. Throw away a count. The lips are temporary. They will go right back. The nose job is not temporary. That's not temporary. Those lips aren't temporary. Those lips are not temporary.

She filled those with collagen. That takes like 10 years to wear off. Look, I'm not an expert. I thought collagen took like three months to wear off. I don't think so. It does not take 10 years. How long does collagen last? Look, I'm not an expert. I thought collagen took like three months to wear off. I don't think so. It does not take ten years. Chiz, how long does collagen last?

Google help, please. Chiz was injected throughout his entire body with collagen at birth. And look at him now. Hasn't worn off a bit. You know, we don't talk shit about people when they're not here, Kyle. He's right there. Okay, fair point. Fair enough. The point is, that's why my tinder my tinder

range is never going down there and that's the example one okay it's just no well aren't there plenty of uh girls in their 20s with those poofed up lips and the big you know kind of the tigery look i'm at there i i have a tinder gold is that what it's called where you can see when people like you when you haven't oh that's what it's called? Where you can see when people like you, when you haven't, uh, that's what it's called. Yeah. Is that what it, yeah. So I,

I know, I just, I don't know if it was Tinder premium or whatever. Uh, I had a, uh, four to six months for college in four to six months. Bullshit.

I mean, she has a Google date for us. I know. All right. Maybe this is, maybe this is, um, anecdotal evidence,

but I know somebody personally that has had it done four years ago, and they look the same as they did. So, like, maybe they get touch-ups, but either way, I, you know. They're not going away anytime soon. If you got a little touch of collagen, maybe four months, that is an enormous amount of collagen she's had ejected in there. Like, her lips are almost Kyle level. Almost. Some supple lips. Does she need a nose job? No, she has had a nose job. there like her lips are almost kyle level almost yeah i lips she needs another nose job that's the answer to your question yeah she needs to hit ctrl z on that

undo that yeah so tucker are you looking like, on your Tinder escapades, or are you thinking you can parlay something like that into a relationship? Is that what you're looking for? Or you're just looking for sex at this point? Yeah. No, I'm looking. It's more like window shopping where you're like, if I see something that's ideal, like, okay, maybe I'll go in the store,

and then maybe it's the right price, and then maybe we go for it with it. But, like, I'm not'm not like my sexual, my sex life is entirely done outside of Tinder. Like I have, I have had maybe five meaningful, like discussions, meetups on Tinder and none of them have budded in anything. It's just a lot easier in the real world. Does that, I feel like that's like a weird. No, not at all. It's way easier to go up to someone in person

and be funny than it is to do it via text when you're competing against 500 other guys sending one. I disagree. I would have thought text was easier. No, you get more time. You can't give your tone. You can't be snappy. If you're quick-witted on text, who's to say how quick-witted you are? Nobody knows. you got that message

four hours ago for all she knows you could have been sitting there feverishly no no no that's not right you know whereas in person you can kind of give a better feel for who you are like oh this this guy's entertaining he's fun to be around or real quick she can be like oh this is a creep i don't like this guy us funny dudes we thrive in the real world it's not about the the written world you know okay yeah the i mean it both are doable and both have their times i think sometimes it's just like you know what my self esteem is at an all-time low i need some tinder pussy to make me feel better there's definitely been some times where you just hit up somebody all right uh god this is gonna sound so bad i i was gonna say before but uh tinder

tinder gold right so you can see who's matched with you and i'm scrolling through and i'm like damn this girl looks short click on her profile she's a legitimate uh midget and i was like i'm just gonna send it i just gotta like see what the scenario is here because her bio says like not looking for hookups looking for long-term supportive relationship. Yes, I'm legally a midget. And I was like, fuck it, let's go. Aw, shit. Match with her. Wait, did she use the M word?

No, no. Actually, I wonder. Probably said dwarf. I'm going to have to look. But yeah, I don't know if that's the correct. What's the piece? There's so many PC things now. I think little person is the correct term.

Yeah, acceptable nomenclature. Is dwarf kosher? Yeah, dwarf is pretty common. But dwarf doesn't describe all little people. the correct name. Yeah, acceptable nomenclature. Is Dwarf kosher? Yeah, Dwarf is pretty common. Hi-ho, hi-ho, and off the work we go. They don't enjoy that at all. That's our slavery! Those Zupalupas weren't paid to make candy from sunup

to sundown. You're right, though. They weren't. Little stubby fingers work to the bone. Yeah, well, what ended up happening with the person? He unmatched with me immediately. I don't know why. Like, you know how it gives you a notification that we matched?

I went to go messenger, and it was unmatched. And I was like, was I a mistake here? Did she have second guesses? Did she see me? It was like, this guy would totally be doing this just for the laughs. Because I was. Was she like, ugh, not even 6'2"? Yeah, she's 6' even.

I can't hang out with that. But yeah. You got a really anticlimactic one. Are you telling us you got unmatched by a midget? I did. I don't know if i'm fat or sad about that you know man that would that would feel like a punch in the gut where you're like oh she'll just be happy that one of us normal height folks is taking interest and then she unmatched a bigger a bigger no what did somebody say i was streaming at the time somebody was like you're her chug jug to her mini, like a Fortnite joke, like Shields.

None of you guys play Fortnite. But I've watched enough streams to know. It was a really fun one. Somebody will laugh in the comments, I'm sure. Would you, so, have you ever gotten, you know, after a few dates with a Tinder girl, where you actually thought, okay, this has potential. Like, this could evolve. Or is it always, like, you fuck, and then you maybe fuck again, and then you're like, all right, it's time to, you know, make this a ghost town. Yeah, it's like a one or two, and then we kind of just, like, do the whole like uh and then like that just dies off yeah

maybe there is a long term out there but not not so far so what how are you putting yourself out there to these girls when you're messaging them i'm no harley harley's the you know the grand poobah tender apparently got all sorts of tips but yeah hopefully you're not actually saying i'm average in every way no that was a clearly a joke no it's it's more like i mean i i'm not that i hate the people all right i hate the idea that it's like all right you've matched now come out with your hardest most cold pickup line ever like clearly some interest has been paid here so you can just start at a normal conversation right like whatever there is in the bio and you just you can just talk about shit but there have been times where i'm like fuck it like i was playing uh super seducer which is this game by uh richard uh lamia lumia i can't remember or some whatever he's a pickup artist from the uk and he got all in all this controversy

because he made this game that was just a terrible horrible objectifying game that was hilarious and amazing to play and so one of his questions for picking up girls was he was sitting there and the girl's like oh I have a dog and he's like oh so you maybe we go to dog fight maybe you know we see how your dog fights with other dogs and I was like I'm gonna try that so i hit up this girl who had matches i was like so what are your views on dog fighting got no message for like a week and then comes back i was like that was honestly one of the funnier things anybody said and i just i'm gonna assume that it was a joke and i was like it absolutely was and like so we started talking and i was like i feel i feel as if you're it's like a catch-22 you lead off with a really funny one-liner and

either oh you read that somewhere online you're not that funny or that's so funny i can't believe you did that and i've already peaked and now i'm going to be a failure from here on out so like wow who hurt you oh man a lot of people man i work on the internet like a lot of people hurt me taylor would you would you match with the midget just like let's say it it's a midget that among midgets, and I use the M word because we don't have any of them listening in. As soon as one complains, I'll stop. Midget. You see a midget on Tinder.

She's among midget kind. Let's just say a six and a half, maybe a seven. A gaggle. Is it a six and a half of midget? Among midgets, yes. So she's not even a hot midget. She's just six and a half midget? Among midgets, yes. So she's not even a hot midget.

She's just a better than average midget. She's a nice looking midget. There's nothing gross about her. How tall is she among the other midgets? Let's just say she is four foot flat. No. Oh, that is a tiny little person. You're at Danny DeVito levels at 4'8".

Get out of here. No, she's four feet tall. She a tiny little person. You're at Danny DeVito levels at 4'8". Get out of here. No, she's four feet tall. All right? She's a little lady. All right? First of all, she can order off the kids menu. She can get the kids price at the movie theater. You're saving money right off the top.

Can't go to Six Packs. Do you match with this lady for the sole purpose of getting her to hold your penis while you take pictures? Ooh. No. Does it make me a bigot that I wouldn't go out with a midget? Yeah. A little pictures. Ooh. No. Does it make me a bigot that I wouldn't go out with a midget? Yeah. A little bigoted. Now, go out is kind of vague.

I don't mean that you date this lady for weeks at a time. You hook up with her once, maybe twice, if things go well. For a week, that's months in midget time. That's true. That's true. Because of the time dilation. They only live to be 12 to 14. That's true.

If you think about how the Earth rotates, Taylor's in a higher orbit. The age is faster. They're closer to the surface of the anatomic clock. We know that's science right there. Another midget fact, when you drop them, they always land on their feet.

They've got cat-like inner ears. Could you get your dick hard? Oh, yeah. I could. She'd grab your dick like this and that'd be the coolest thing you'd ever seen

before in your life. She's like, she's double-handed and she can't even reach around because of her tiny baby hands. Hang on, first of all, let me snap some pics of this I'm gonna send this to some other ladies down the road and they are gonna be blown away Right? When they see that Oh, this isn't my first rodeo

This is like the dating push-up bra It's a fake. It's a miracle bra dick pic. You're right. You just got a very small person. Come here with your little baby hands and grab this dick. Oh, I think that would be hot to me. That would be hot.

I would totally think I'd want to have sex with the midget. Yeah, baby. You know nobody else has been there. You would for sure do it, Kyle. You definitely go on a date with the midget girl. I would prefer to just get her over to my house at nighttime so that nobody, you know. Here, add an extra layer. You have to go get drinks with her for at least 45 minutes somewhere in public.

I don't know. It's up to you. Can I take her to— How about I just take her to Chipotle because I figure, like, she can just nibble off my burrito. No way she can eat a Chipotle burrito. She likes a little fall. She likes to eat it all. She's got the big thing. The hamster feeder.

Sure, I would go on the one date with her. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I mean, I don't want to be cruising around town with a little person in my car. I don't want to be installing a booster seat every time we have to go out, right? Do they have to ride in car seats in the front no they're not that tiny unless you get like a mini me size midget and that's a whole different question no we're getting into into banana town with mini me size midgets because if you've ever seen mini me next to other dwarves and midgets and little people they make him look like a midget. There are bottles of champagne bigger than

Verne Schroeder. He's two foot eight. Chiz just put in the chat. Two foot eight. I imagine that not only does he need to sit in a car seat, but he has to sit backwards. I know his agent. I know him really well. Verne Schroeder could suck my dick standing up under my desk.

His agent is also Dan Bilzerian's agent is also um dan bulzerian's agent and like i've hung out i've hung out with dan's agent a little bit and like i was always trying to hook up and get to get my picture with vern kitty got her picture with vern she was out there one time like when i wasn't and she got to hang out with him but i've never been able to meet him and i was such a huge fan of the austin powers movies when i was a kid like when i was in middle school like those were some of the first impressions that i was doing like doing the austin powers voice and the fat bastard and the the doctor evil and all that stuff and like i always wanted to meet him but i never got to those movies are actually incredibly iconic and they still hold up i watched a gold member a couple months ago and i watched it and i laughed

at most of the jokes i was kind of surprised because comedy movies don't tend to have that kind of stay power, but Austin Powers. Yeah. Austin Powers is so good. I love Mike Myers. I liked that little bit he had in, um, uh, in glorious bastards, you know, when he played sort of Churchill's aid and he's, he's briefing the, uh, the guy before he goes into Germany. Uh, I, I wish you would get more serious roles like that, because he killed that. He killed that. That was great. I like Mike Myers.

I think he's in a movie coming up. I just don't recall which one it is. I haven't seen him in anything for a while. That's probably the last one. He looks weird now that he's gotten old, to be fair. Does he look like... I'm going to have to look up and see. I don't care that much.

I'll just take a word for it. He looks weird. He looks kind of shiny, and his nose does a weird thing. I don't know. He looks weird. How about this, Kyle? You took the midget route there for a minute. Oh, yeah. You match with a gal

who's... What's a ridiculous height for a woman? 6'8". Oh, God. I don't know if that's a thing. I think 6'4". Are there women who are 6'8"? I'm God. I don't know if that's a thing. Like, I think 6'4". Are there women who are 6'8"? Like, I'm out of my league here. Like, even in the WNBA, I think they're, like, 6'4".

Chiz says 7'3", but, like, that's one of those... A woman who's 7'3 is, like, one of those anomalies where, like, they have, like, a gargantuan... What is it called? Gigantism? Yeah. Someone they're pituitary. Yeah. And it makes them grow, them grow all odd and wonky

and their bones aren't right. It's a rough life to have. I'm talking about just a naturally tall woman who's 6'8". She matches with you. You were willing to go the midget route. You seem to be interested in anything for the story. Anything for the story.

I would date any woman who was no matter how tall she is i don't care like like put throw a number out there i'm down as long as she's attractive you know she's pretty like like i don't i wouldn't want to date she's pretty just not fat she does need to be pretty and i i don't want to date like a uh like a six foot eight ugly chick you know like i would go if her body's banging she's pretty enough okay i don't think that's a bad body though it's all stretched out like like some sort of circus freak okay not banging but i don't know i i if if hypothetical single woody was looking for a one night stand

especially one of these once in a lifetime one night stands like a six foot eight woman all she needs to be is not fat no that's that's a hard no for me i would go out on a date i would go out on a date with with anybody for the like for the content homie you know for the for the story like that's just that's just good but like you know i i can only have so much control over my dick if i'm not attracted to you like we're not having sex. It's just not going to happen. So it's not. I'm sorry, but you've got to have some sort of quote unquote traditional attractiveness in you for me to be like, all right, now let's take this to step two.

Oh, I'd fuck this chick. I'd fuck this chick. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. But no, but she's like that's like, but she's good looking. I know she is. I'm just looking for six foot eight women.

Like, there's a limited, like, put that gentleman in orange. Put that gentleman in orange next to any human's photo, and you're gonna bump up, like, two points at least. I want that guy included in all of my Tinder pics. That guy looks terrible. I know, that's what I'm saying.

I know. Come on, guy. He's just some random guy. So what? So what? Fuck him. He's not watching. Fuck that ugly piece of shit.

Look at his fucking socks. Look at those fucking white socks pulled up. Those don't work. Oh, jeez. Those socks. That polo is at least a size too small Good lord And put an undershirt on it at the very least

So I don't have to see your gross old man nipples And brush your hair It must be windy as fuck there Oh wait it's not You just woke up and rolled out of bed This guy is scum Those socks are the Same sock that every type

Look at her feet Yeah they've got They're big They look well secured the same sock that every type... Stop. Look at her feet. Yeah, they've got nail polish on them. They look well manicured. They're bigger than mine. I mean, I really feel my seven foot tall girl has them. They're this wide! I'm still stuck on the dude. There's no shoes!

I was 25 pounds lighter than him when I realized, oh my god, I have to fix this. What's his problem? You have self esteem, I have to fix this. What's his problem? You have self-esteem. I want to know what people care about you. This guy gave up long ago. This guy's listening to either NPR or he's listening to old folk songs from Ukraine.

There's no in-between. He's listening to Gregorian chants. You don't think it's Toto's Africa on repeat? Do not ever talk shit about Toto. I agree with Kyle about that. Pick one. Pick one.

We haven't done a pick one in ages. 4'11 and 6'8. I'm going to go 4'11. Small is hotter than tall. I want them both. I want to do some weird shit with both of them and i i feel like you could swing that with this like like i need to sit down with both of these ladies over a couple of drinks and i i'm like i'm like 50 45 sure i could talk them into both of them coming home because i i feel like just just you

could have a two and a half sex looking like the bars of a cell phone oh this is great this would be this would be a night to remember right i mean it would it's just i absolutely would for either one of them the smaller one yeah hypothetical single woody would do either the smaller one is prettier but i feel like uh the taller one is more attractive to me yeah she's large and in charge yeah she knows that i bet that smaller one could beat the little one to death literally smaller one is the taller one is more attractive to me. Yeah, she's large and in charge. I bet that smaller one could beat the little one to death. The smaller one is the little one. The taller one, I think you meant. I mean, the big one.

Can you imagine how good the tall one's legs look laid out across the bed? Yeah, absolutely. Hanging up to the end. That's an unfeeling amount of leg. That's so much leg to deal with. She's got more leg than I do. If I had the taller one, I might bring her home to a cot or something. Just for the effect.

Here's a cot. Like one of those micro-homes in your backyard. Aren't we going to your home? No, no. The house out back. There's a tall house in the back. I want to make the most of this. We're going to fuck in my race car bed. She's really thin too. Like the tall one is very thin

like I noticed. Like she looks like she has a very small waist which I don't know much about enormous women but you would think that maybe they're more athletic by and large

but no. I think they're less athletic. I want to stick the little one into the big one she's not that big well she would be when I was through they're both very pretty oh god

you soak that little one in wet platinum she'll go in imagine I was into some weird shit what's that stupid winter sport that I was mocking and everybody got pissed off? All those goddamn Canadians.

Those Canadian bitches. You should not ever get mad at curling. Curling is so stupid. I want to curl, but with this girl soaked in wet platinum across a hardwood floor. I want to throw her. Look how little she is. I'll be honest. I would pay for that to watch that.

Midget curling? I would pay to do it. Let's get Ice Poseidon to do it. He'll do that shit. Yeah, he will do anything. Don't give him any more of my ideas. We're going to make this happen. We're going to find some little people to throw around like shuttlecocks.

And we're going to fuck them. That's bad. We're going to fuck them. The whole shuttlecock thing is an illusion, you know, to get them to fuck. Yeah, no. Height is something, like, with chicks, I really don't think about that much unless it's, like, on the crazy end of the spectrum, you know? Like, all women think about height for guys.

They all do. Like, it's the one almost, you know, universal physical requirement on sites like Tinder or Bumble or whatever. Like, it's not even, like, mustn't be fat. It's, like, you know, know 5 10 and up or 6 foot and up like guys i feel like unless you're below 5 foot or above 6 foot you're kind of in a happy range right like like 5-1 that's pretty short like 5-2 like that you know that's really short

like all right it's not going to be an issue all so what about amputees there's a really attractive amputee model who poses on twitter and shit not that kind of amputee I don't think it could I don't think I don't think I could have sex with somebody without legs

I think you've got it backwards it would be much easier to have sex with someone without legs they cannot escape you i don't think you guys are open to the possibilities right like forward cowgirl reverse cowgirl forward cat you know clockwise counterclockwise there are options here that that normal women don't have her maximum speed is 0.5 miles per hour she ain't getting away she's's not posing. She's trying to escape. It's a picture, but if it were video, you'd see those little things kicking.

It was kicking. The first thing I thought was like, I wonder what she swims like. There's a subhead for this shit. Dude, there was a guy with one leg. He's a collegiate swimmer. He had one leg, and everyone was like, oh, he's a collegiate swimmer he had one leg and everyone was like oh he's gonna

totally suck turns out it's almost as good three limbs like if you're missing one leg it worked he had like down to the knee he was pretty good but uh his kick his flip turn sucked and that's yeah i've told the story i remember this oh this just makes me feel bad for them we played basketball against this this team um not me as a player but like our team played and i was watching the game again in high school and they had a player with a flipper and the whole we had a group of fans called the rude crew who were like you know their job was to like you know get a little rowdy and be rude make a lot of noise they would bring noisemakers bottles with beans in them and stuff, and shake them at tense moments.

They'd sneak an air horn in occasionally, stop the play of the game on their own. They'd blow whistles. They started singing, Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightning. And it was the meanest thing I'd ever seen in real life up until that point, that it was dark. That was a dark moment.

That is pretty mean. You have to be a young age to start a public chant about someone with a deformity to their face. Yeah. To their face. Oh, man. A lot of these amputee chicks are fucking hot. I would 100% not even mind, I think.

Honestly, I wouldn't care. Yeah, I really wouldn't. I feel like I wouldn't care at all. Honestly, I wouldn't care. Yeah, I really wouldn't. I feel like I wouldn't care at all. Yeah, I don't have a problem. I would prefer for my gal to have all her limbs. I don't want to be gross on the end, though. You know what I mean? I don't want it to look like the end of a big hot dog.

Sausage. Like all squished together. I don't want that. Like those hot dogs with natural casings like yeah tied off at the end yeah yeah i don't want there to be a little bit of like extra skin like like like you know when you when you buy bread and it's like tied off and then the end of the bread bag is like all spread out and gross like i don't need that like look at this girl's leg i don't know what that is it looks like it hasn't healed quite well yet she's cute i guess

but she needs to i want to stick it in a pencil eraser and just round it off a little. Just give her like a big sock. I want to make it a little more pleasing to the eye. Would you suck it? She looks like she's having fun. She's honestly hella attractive.

Would you lick her stub if she wanted to? I'd prefer not to. that's not what i asked who cares what you want things are getting hot and heavy right like she just has blown you with incredible enthusiasm their slobbering her head is just going crazy her hair's flipping in the wind and you're just like oh my god that was that was crazy and you're about to segue into like stage three or whatever of your sexual endeavor and she's like she like flips that thing up to your mouth and she's like like it

like in like a husky sexy voice so she's just so she's touching herself she's like really into it now now when she sticks we're talking about this gal's one where it looks like there's like a bit of healing left to be done on the bottom point it It's going to taste like a penny. Do I have to lick the scabbing area, or can I kind of lick the skin? You have to tongue out all up in it. You have to suck as much as you can. It has to be very mucusy. What are you like, oh. No, no, no, no, no.

Kyle, you're misreading the room. Tell my young friend, not everything you do in bed is going to be your favorite thing to do in bed But you have these expectations Maybe the things you like Are not always her favorite things to do Good for the goose good for the gander Suck that leg Taylor If she asked me lick my ass

I'd be like fine That's what I was going to ask You eat her ass but you won't eat her leg Yeah sure of course But like I don't care how sexy she is you know that's what i was gonna ask you know you eat her ass but you won't eat her leg yeah sure of course but like if the i don't care how sexy she is or if she was not even an amputee let's say she has a really bad skinned leg with a with a big old nasty right she's a cyclist and she slid across the asphalt yes she's got that road burn uh and she's like oh lick my scab the thought of licking someone else's scab or wound is disgusting i'm sorry i would not a scab okay there's no scab it's healed i can't tell

i'm this is an imaginary scenario for you is it just discolored skin then that's all it is it's purple you don't know but but it's healed oh okay if it's healed then Oh, okay. If it's healed, then yeah, sure. You'll, you'll, you'll. Okay. If it's not an open wound, he's down. Good. Good. I would like to get the big chick, like the six foot eighter and this amputee and see, just see if we can get some penetration going with the stub. This is dark. Yeah, we're getting there, boys.

Honestly. He means put the stub into the large gal. You know, I'm not liking the direction of that. If I ever lost my hand, like from the wrist down, I'd be like, could you shape it into a phallus? Into a phallus. So then every time you go to the bank or something, you just have a dick hand. It seems like a good idea at the time. It is prehensile, so I can still write.

Oh, yeah, I know. And I also got this barbed wire tattoo on my bicep. You know I make bad decisions. You pull off your prosthetic hand, and there's just a dong there, right? You're just like, aha! That would be your go-to move, right? No woman could resist that. Oh, no.

You see, I'd rather use my actual penis. I saw a porno where the guy's in bed, and this lady comes hopping into the room, because she's only got one fucking leg, and she ends up lubing up her leg and fucking him in the ass with it. It must be a small leg.

I just don't even... Or a big ass. Man. Taylor, not everything you do is going to be your favorite thing. Open minds. Yeah, but that's such a gap between, you know, eat my ass or lick my pussy

and lick my scabby, you know, torn off leg. There's no scabs. I'm stuck on the scab thing. It's not like leaking pustab thing. It's not like leaking pustule wounds. It's just like it didn't heal super good looking. Yeah, now it looks

like an Oscar Mayer wiener. It kind of looks like she stuck it in the fire for too long. Got a little singe. It's times like this that I remember my mom watches the show. Oh, shit. Yeah, well.

She should be reflecting on her lust for your limo driver and like flagellating herself or something like that after a moment like this. Let me tell everyone about smart mouth. Ah, does your mouth taste slightly of pustules? Have you been licking the stubs of an enormous Ah, does your mouth taste slightly of pustules?

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Absolutely. Smartmouth.com slash PKA. And you guys, we've been spending this whole show so far in a roundabout way talking about getting laid. And there's nothing more important than having good breath. You don't want to show up. Because she can't smell that through the Tinder messages. Maybe you're a suave mofo and you've been very clever, like Tucker. And then he shows up and it turns out that he had a little too much garlic

or didn't brush after a Mexican meal he had the night before quite well enough and didn't use SmartMouth. He's not going to be getting laid. It doesn't matter if she's an amputee or not. So check that amount. There is nothing worse than rolling over in bed and just saying hey good morning and it just wafts into your face just like everything all the sin that you have consumed just hits you in the mouth it's just the worst it's awful could you put it on a vagina i don't i don't think that's recommended still or

no that's that's that's it that that's No, that's... That's trying to solve the problem in a very different way. General rule of thumb, just use mouthwash in your mouth. Ah! I guess. Releasing new products called Pussy Wash in the near future. It's just rebranded. I was listening to a radio show the other day, and they had a bit of a question between the guys on that show.

They were like, how many times do you go back to a chick when she has a smelly pussy before you call it quits just because of the smelly pussy? Zero. Have you ever encountered such a stench that it has... Now you're a begging chooser. No, you're a choosing beggar. Now you're a choosing beggar. If you're going to call it quits on the first smelly pussy...

I didn't say I called it quits in general. I'm just saying there is a general level of acceptance for hygiene, right? If you are going to blow me eggs you you should expect that i have my shit just taken care of down there it's just you can't where you should be blown right you're clean it's easier to clean a penis than a vagina though right like there are natural things that happen that might make a lady have a bit of an odor it's true it is true this is so far outside of the bound this was I have not my sample size is pretty large here this was this is

like deviated well outside the bounds of acceptance here this was a problem which I still remember on the show they agreed on three they were like the third time I show up and it's and it's smelly pussy like this isn't just a a bad weekend

this isn't just a bad weekend. This isn't just a bad time of the month or a bad hygiene day. This is a serial stinky pussy. It's hard to talk to someone about that. My sample size is pretty small. But that would be one of the tougher things to bring up.

That's how the show got so funny. The guy was like I dated the chick. It was smelly. It was so bad that I didn't want to have sex with her anymore. And when we finally broke up, she asked me, why? And I told her, no, no, no, he lost his erection while they were having sex. And she asked him, like, what is it?

Are you cheating on me? And he was like, well, I was cheating on her. But the reason I lost the erection was a smelly pussy and so i told her because your pussy stinks and she got all upset about it yeah man i feel like these are different like like i'm i'm very much in a similar where i had to fight to be like all right we're still going through with this but like there was no like i need to make it clear this shit was very not okay it was pungent it's like something like was it like almost indicative of a health issue you think not just that's what i'm saying skip the shower no it was not like like you have you know you generally have two stentions you have like the or like smells like the i worked

out i'm just like i'm an active person workout, which is not inherently bad. The musky smell doesn't bother me. Could even be a turn on. Yeah. It doesn't bother me in the slightest. It was not a musky smell. It was like, it was just something else. That's what I'm saying.

Like there's been some smelly decomposition. Something died. She was in the process of dying. Let me throw this out there. Right. And all right, here's my high school girlfriend i feel like i was uh hitting above my batting average with this girl right okay the thing is i locked her in like right after her braces came off and she had just singed her hair making

brownies right so yes yes this nine was like a six and a half. Pulled her in. Kept her for the next year. Yeah. Right. Hold on. Now, what if this girl with the stinky pussy just needs a little smart mouth in there or whatever it is you do with them? And you could buy low and then own high. You're dipping your dick in Listerine every time you fuck her in hopes that it'll cure the whole scenario. That's the kind of next level thinking this show needs. That's what the reservoir tip is for! Now I know!

What if she's only a tube of Vagisil away from smelling fine, and you find out that it was that easy, and you just didn't bring it up, and you're like, oh shit, well I lost this super hot girl. Maybe you could make it a bit of a fetish, right? Like if she's got shit breath, she'd be like, what do you want me to do?

I want to see you blow a tooth. Yes. Stick that toothbrush in your mouth and fucking pretend like you're sucking my cum. No, no, no. Two minutes. Two minutes. There's a timer. Don't stop.

Don't stop. Yeah, yeah. Now, all right. I want you to gargle my cum, but show me how you're going to do it with this Listerine. Yeah, yeah. Oh, with this smart mouth. Yeah, with this smart mouth. Yes, yes, gargle it.

No, no, no, the full 30 seconds. All right, now spit and repeat. But you wouldn't even have to be that overt. You could just be like, I'm going to grab some lube, and then all you do is lube up your dick with vagisil and she doesn't know what christ is vagisil some sort of like i i've never i'm not i don't have much stinky pussy background it's for a stretchy pussy you say no itchy scratch did you never see those commercials it's like if you have like a c commercials all right no i'm talking problems Cunt problems? I believe the commercial term is feminine odor. Yeah.

They should run with the whole it's hump day theme. Wasn't there an insurance company, a camel or something? Yeah, yeah. Hump day. Wednesday. Yeah, the Vagisil should have just jumped on that. It's hump day. They should have. Yeah, they Vagisil should have just jumped on that. It's hump day! I have to... Yeah, they have

because itch, they have because odor, and they have because dryness. So they've got a myriad of great Lucy products. They have wipes. I only say that because that's the only specifically vaginal product I know off the top of my head.

It couldn't hurt, right? Ask Gil. Oh, okay. Well, I don't know. Those top of my head. It couldn't hurt, right? Oh, okay. I don't know. Those are douche companies. I haven't used one of those either. I have to say, that's not my expertise. Nope.

I think context matters. You know? It does. If she's super hot and has a fixable problem, if she's super hot and has a fixable problem, if she's super hot and has a fixable problem, this might be like a buy low, get high kind of thing. Yeah, that's acceptable. This is not the case.

It was just kind of like a passing thing. It was just a mistake. The girl or her pussy? Both. Her mistakes. I don't like the idea of doing it after once because then you're leaving it up to a dice roll of whether or not it was just a

bad day of hygiene or maybe she went hiking and couldn't shower. But if she couldn't shower after hiking and she wants you to go down on her, that's also rude because if I got back from a hockey game and was like, man, I could go to be blown right now. If she said, go take a shower, you stinky

motherfucker, I'd be like, you know what? You're right. right i was being discourteous you know what my move is i'll tell you and and anyone listening to this take notes all right so oftentimes i have ladies drive somewhat long distances to come see me you know maybe two three hours they'll drive to my house and i'm thinking like she might perspire a little bit on the way. She might not be her freshest when she arrives. So I always pitch the idea while she's driving or before she drives that, you know what would be hot? Maybe we take a shower, you know, when you get here. See, that, and if you notice

that she's not getting the job done down there, you just help yourself. You literally wash her gear for your own needs. You know, you keep a little feminine wash in the shower. Just get in there and make sure everything's ready for. Are you soaping my pussy? Yeah, I'm totally into it. What are you going to do?

Leave? I have your keys and your leg it's in my bedroom and it's your driving leg good luck can't get home with alrighty over here in my bedroom hop back home, bitch.

As far as all of this terrible, stupid advice we've given that you shouldn't take, Kyle's is the one there that's actually good. If you're worried about it, be courteous. Be like, oh, it would really turn me on if we took a shower together. Because that way, you know, it... You just went right through it.

Also, they're fun. There's all this stupid, terrible advice. I'm going to stand by the not everything you do is your favorite thing to do thing. Yeah, that's also not terrible. That's true, but there's a difference between everything you do doesn't have to be your favorite and being courteous to your partner. Hey, honey. Look, when you go out on this date with little Billy, just remember, not everything you're going to do is going to be your favorite thing. This is what relationships are built on. Okay, but...

When you phrase it like that, it just gets bad. See, this is not a conversation that you tell a daughter, where you're like, you know, this is not... Or you tell your bud, and you're like, bro... Our viewership is like 99.5% guys and 0.5% li percent liars so we're fine

there's a couple of girls and there's that that lady there's that one transsexual person who posts on the subreddit occasionally and just yeah remember with the enormous penis so that would be a girl i think well if you ask her. Are they opt? I think they decide, though. They know they do. There's that Australian individual who lives life as a lady, but happens to have a bigger penis than any of us. So this is a weird segue. There's a music discord that I frequent just to find new music.

okay there's a music discord that i frequent just to find new music in that community there is a um a transgender person who um doesn't actually she doesn't really care how you refer to her but she prefers she you know first probably week i was in there she got drunk and just posted up this is like a very public discord, like 2000 members post a picture of her dick. And I'm just sitting there trying to find the song. And there's just a giant dick in my face. And I was like, okay, like, you know, we've all been on the internet. Why are you posting somebody's dick? She was just like, nah, this is mine. Like, okay. Oh Jesus. Is this like a thing? Is there like a higher trend of people who are transgender that have just colossal cocks? Is this like a weird confirmation bias?

We've been discovering that. Look, we discovered this years ago. I've got papers, OK? Kyle had the first paper published on this topic. I don't think you've seen my dissertation on Shecock. But if you had, if you'd read the 40 page brief, then you would know. We also did a whole show on this. We did a whole show on this

where we were looking at transsexuals on Craigslist and Backpage and we were remarking that most of them have 10 inch cocks. Like, more of them have 10 inch cocks than have 3 inch cocks. Yeah. Like, more of them have 10-inch cocks than have 3-inch cocks. By a factor of 1,000, right?

I mean, let's do a little Googling, right? Like, I got this. Yeah, I'm not Googling. I trust you, Professor Kyle. I think Professor Kyle has his book worked. Yeah, clickety-click, we're there. Let's do a little Googling. Oh, this Google search is only a click away.

You're in Los Angeles, right, Tucker? Yes, I am. All right, so we'll go to LA. Oh, no. Craigslist is such an interesting place, especially if you go to free stuff, like what people try to get rid of for free that you can just go and pick up.

I go there once a week to my local free stuff, and I'm always looking for something that I might find useful, like anything that's like, you know, I'll look at that. I haven't found anything yet, to be honest. I have a friend who started sending me pictures of people taking photos of the mirrors they wanted to sell on Craigslist because it's like, how do you take a photo of a mirror? I think this is like a big trend, but every single one is just like,

you know, how, like you can just hold the camera to the side and take a photo, but every one of them is like iPad turned sideways, like in a dirty house. It's like, Oh, I thought you were going to say, I really liked the pictures on Craigslist and other sites where someone is selling something that unintentional nudes, unintentional nudes when they're selling television sets, mirrors. Sometimes it's like a chrome kettle or something like that. And you'll see this person was naked when they took that.

Oftentimes it's nudes. Some people walk around their house naked. I think it's a kink. I think they like to slip in naked pictures of themselves around the internet. Ooh, that's hot. And they have plausible deniability of, oh, I was just trying to sell a mirror. Mirror's a little tough, but like a teapot of television. That's hot and they have plausible deniability of I was just trying to sell a mirror. Yeah Thinking about the return on investment

It's gonna be a great kettle for whoever purchases It's gonna be a great kettle for whoever purchases it. Yeah, that is interesting. Holy shit, Krebs just removed personals because of some congressional law. Well, I'm never getting laid now. What? U.S. Congress passed H.R. 1865, FOSTA, seeking to subject websites to criminal and civil liability

when third-party users misuse online personals unlawfully. Any tools or services can be misused. We just can't take such risk without jeopardizing all of our services, so we are regrettably taking Craigslist personals offline. Hopefully, we can bring them back on someday. To the millions of spouses, partners, and couples who met through Craigslist, we wish you every happiness. Who are those degenerates?

Yeah, who married their prostitute? Where am I going to find my trannies now? Is Backpage still up? happiness who are those degenerates yeah who married their prostitutes where am i gonna find my trannies now is back page still up yeah i was just yeah i thought of it well if they're okay but apparently they're liable for things like you can't have a website that facilitates illegal things i mean that just seems like common sense. But it's not... They're not intended to be illegal things. It's just that... But now they're responsible for facilitating illegal things. But now they're responsible for the misuse of their product

for illegal purposes, which doesn't seem fair. I definitely see where you're coming from. On the other hand... What if you used Xbox Live to groom a young child and go pedophile on them turns out you don't get away with that you know what I'm talking about and like is Microsoft culpable in that

scenario no of course not they're making a site for people to fucking play video games for just because if you're on Sea of Thieves if you're on Sea of Thieves looking for young pussy like that's on you you degenerate not you don't blame Rare for that you don't blame Microsoft for that you don't blame microsoft for that yeah because i started saying they're a telephone right like i could misuse my telephone and say or do terrible things with it but no one blames the

phone but i have a website or forum or for sale or classified ads and suddenly they blame the classified ads not fair yeah that is that is like nobody would blame sprint like if that same thing happened they wouldn't be like oh sprint needs to crack down on this pedophile like we don't know who all the pedophiles are like there are some i blame old people i i think that i know right you're thinking i'm hypocritical but if you're over if you're 45 or older and you don't get the internet yet you shouldn't be legislating the internet you know there are people who are 55 who made the internet right so we'll have some respect but the ones who don't know shit about it who you know like have someone else handle email for them are the ones making these laws i i will say that uh i watched a god this year has been so weird i watched a couple

like c-span streams of people trying to legislate either the internet or general digital media. And was pleasantly surprised to see that most of the heads of the committees and the majority of the committee were really well-versed, sometimes more so than I were. And the little things that ISPs have to do that, that like the companies providing the fiber, I don't know what to call them, but like the, you know, like the actual structure. Yeah, yeah. Those people, their role in this whole thing, which was a shock to me because I kind of assumed the same thing, like, oh shit, these guys are legislating from their intern, you know, typing emails and they don't use smartphones. That said, the vast majority of the congressional committees don't understand it. So it's like a very

small portion understand and then the rest who vote on it don't. That is encouraging because 10 years ago, it was Ted Stevens, something Stevens, from Alaska and he was the guy who came up with the the internet is a series of pipes and they get clogged. Series of tubes.

It could have been tubes. uh and he's like sometimes my email takes three days to go through because it's that clogged up and you know he just clearly didn't know what he was talking about he's making shit up and he was the top guy and hopefully it's better now it's gonna be a series of tubes i i heard uh one of those congressmen, they were in some sort of, I don't know, committee, and they were questioning a general or an admiral or something, and they were talking about Guam, which is U.S. territory, I guess,

with a big military base on it and stuff, and he was like, this is a congressman, he's like, is there a concern that if too much personnel are placed in the base on the west side of Guam that perhaps the island could tip over into the sea.

And the animal's like, no, sir, we do not foresee the island tipping over into the sea at any point at this juncture. Current personnel numbers stand at 35,000. Servicemen coming in at... Yeah, let's watch this. It's so...

I've never seen this. It's a. Oh, God. The audio quality is terrible. This is. Oh, God. It's from Georgia. Damn it.

Did somebody timestamp the actual thing? There's one from Missouri. Yeah. This is a Democrat from Georgia. How does a Democrat get elected from Georgia? He must be pretty good. There's a ton of heavy Dem districts, I would think. Atlanta.

All the places with people in them. All right, ready, set, play. This is an island that at its widest level is, what, 12 miles from shore to shore, and at a smallest level, or smallest... Use your words. Jesus Christ. Seven miles between one shore and the other. Is that correct? I don't have the exact dimensions,

but to your point, sir, I think Guam is a small island. It's about 24 miles, if I recall, long. Jesus Christ. 24 miles long, about 7 miles wide

at the least widest place on the island in about a narrow Minute trying to describe the dimensions of Oh shit don't get started to know have that figure with me sir I can serve under my way you if you'd like my fear is that your country island will become so overly populated that it will tip over and and and capsize. Capsize. We don't anticipate that. Look at him smiling. The population, I think, currently about 175,000.

And again, with 8,000 Marines and their families, it's an addition of about 25,000 more into the population. The whole island will become so overly populated that it will tip over and... He even, like, does... Like, you can't even lie, like, oh, you misunderstood. He does the whole motion. He's like, and it'll tip over. That is the most ignorant thing I have ever heard a human being say in my life. There's a

follow-up. I don't need to. The next one for autoplay on me is they ask him about his Guam comments. Is there I know it's over a minute long, but can we watch it just in case he's not Would you link it, please? Because I closed the window. Yeah, yeah. I'd be happy to.

Yeah, I'd love to hear this guy's explanation on that because there's no way you can talk your way out of that retardation. Does he have his hair dyed yellow? I mean, blonde? No, it's M&M. I'm going to give you another link that's time-stamped, because the first 20 seconds is exactly what we just watched.

Thank you. This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. And that's a feat. I mean, I do this shit once a week. Are we? Are you guys ready? Yeah, I'm ready. I watch all the Wigs montages.

3, 2, 1, play. There was some eyebrows raised and what was he trying to get into? Johnson's comment to an admiral that the island of Guam would tip over and capsize if the military stationed more than 100,000 Marines and their families there had websites like the Peach Pundit calling the comment epic stupidity.

CBSP Radio's Neil Bortz questioned Johnson's person about the comment. You are not going to try to convince me that Hank Johnson was trying to be funny with that admiral. I have no deal of him. Congressman told me he used a metaphor to explain that Guam's ecosystem and infrastructure wouldn't be able to withstand such a huge increase in population. You don't think Guam is going to tip over? Well, I mean, literally, no. I showed the video to John Evans of Stone Mountain. He thinks Johnson shouldn't lose any sleep over the comment. Because you know what you meant, and you knew you were just saying that to dramatize the point.

Tom Jones, tell two extra news. You know, can we just take... He did dramatize the point, god damn it. Why did they film the video with the mouse pointer in the damn middle of the screen for the news clip? I always think it's me. Now, that particular one was an Apple mouse pointer, but, but, uh, yeah. You know what's just as funny as all of that is that Mr. Hank Johnson is still serving as the U S representative for Georgia's fourth congressional district.

Jesus. Wait, what is Georgia's fourth congressional? I'm guessing it's a cab or something. A suburban County of Atlanta, East of Atlanta. Which one? It doesn't say. DeKalb County. I called it DeKalb. Yeah. God damn it. What do't say. DeKalb County. I called it DeKalb. Yeah. God damn it.

What do we know about DeKalb, Kyle? Nothing I'd say publicly. I've been there. I like that Guam guy. He doesn't pull any punches. It's one of those roll-em-up moments. Roll-em-up. Roll-em-up.

I can't tell if he's an idiot or if I'm looking at it through the blue lenses of, you know, Roll him up moments. Roll him up. Roll him up. I can't tell if he's an idiot or if I'm looking at it through the blue lenses of, you know, he can't be that dumb. Bro, if I'd said he was a Republican, you'd know what you'd have said. That's what I'm asking myself. Yeah, because I do aspire to be fair. I can think he's phrasing it but like there there's nothing that you could tell me to make me believe that that was anywhere humorous like his his explanation was so much more thought out and like well well versed but it even that seems shoehorned like yeah why were you asking about the exact size of the island 400 times

and talking about the width of it and doing this like it was the hand motions that really solidified it as like oh he he fears this caps he's not working on a type 5 for the comedy store he's like you know i believe we've all seen titanic you know and like to lead into are you afraid it'll break in half and the front will tip in could we perhaps spread the servicemen out over the entire perimeter of the island? That way they are distributed in a way that the island will stabilize and not flip into the ocean like Atlantis did once upon a time. At the very least, make sure every man, woman, and child has a life vest on at all times. Yes, yes.

Fucking moron. That's so stupid. That actually passes internet is a series of tubes for me i agreed yeah it's got it yeah it does because this is something in the natural world that we should all be familiar with like you should know that an island isn't just on the surface you know it continues down to the seafloor right many we know how volcanic islands work i'm sure all of us here you know it's not's not a difficult concept. But the internet, on the other hand, unless you know a little bit about networking computers, the history of the internet, how it works, that it's just this big thing of networked

computers across the globe, like maybe you don't fully grasp how it works. We've known that islands were not floating bits of land since we first stumbled upon our first island as humans. Our island floats on the back of the giant sea tortoise. Yeah, but even then- We anger him, he shakes mightily. Even then they just misdescribed what was holding the island up. They knew there was something.

Yeah, but it's- It wasn't just free floating. No, and a series of tubes isn't even entirely wrong. If you're trying to really boil it down to a super basic basic thing not the worst way you could describe the internet right it's just like if you know if you look at fiber optics they're kind of tubes and you know they're connecting at these uh these junctions and uh and the traffic does clog them up i mean it's just wrong but like maybe at the server level you know maybe if they're passing the server and the server's having difficulties because of too much traffic that's technically a clogging you know? Maybe if they're passing the server and the server's having difficulties because of too much traffic, that's technically a

clogging, you know? Yeah, but his pivot was a 180 from flipping an island to the ecosystem can't handle that many people. Like, fuck. Yeah, not even close. Let's not turn this into any kind of defense of the series of Tubes Man, because that's also an idiot. I was just

comparing the two. But this is the dumbest part about it is thinking that an adult who has been elected a representative since 07 could think that islands just capsize. Well, he knows better now, I'm sure. I'm sure his age. Is he not worried about the UK? What about New York? Somebody told him about Manhattan.

You would think about that. God dang. If terrorists find out about this, they'll take Long Island out like that. Yes. Drive a bunch of ice cream. They just all move to the north side of Long Island. Boom. Gone.

Suicide scene. That's how they do. That's how they do. That's ISIS's next grand plan. Just to overpopulate the very corners of certain islands. Yeah, next thing Florida's gone, they'll break Florida right off the coast. Actually, you know what? Honestly, can we have them do that sooner rather than later?

You know, have you ever seen Escape from L.A., the movie where the premise is that there was a giant earthquake and L.A. broke off, became an island, and then they used it as a prison colony. It should have been Escape from Florida, right? Is that with Neil Plissken from a long time ago? Nate Plissken. Snake Man. With Kurt Russell playing him. It's the sequel to Escape from New York, of course.

Which was very good. Which was very good. Some nice titties in that movie. Did New York turn into a prison in that movie? Yes, it did. So now there were two prisons where our cities used to be. Yeah, Snake Plissken's a really cool character. LA is trash. The New York one is actually good.

And there's a really hot Latina chick who's traveling around with Kurt Russell throughout the movie. Huge titties, and she's showing them off. I remember after watching that movie, I always masturbate to those pictures. Go straight from Snake Plissken, Escape in New York, and she dies at the end, spoiler alert, to masturbating over her dead

remains, if you will. Let me find those pictures. Let's see. Escape from New York, Stick Naked. I need to know what material we're working with here. If you will. I like that little throw in. If you masturbate to her dead pictures, if you will.

If and you please. Oh, man. You're into what you're into. Yeah, and I'm not... I'm no bigot. That's where we're going to draw the line here. That's where we draw the line. Kyle's not a bigot in any corner.

He said he would have sex with a midget, many midgets. He'd have a two and a half some. Kyle. I got that. I liked it. Two and a half some. Would you have sex with somebody who was passing away while you had sex with them? Who was what?

Passing away like you have sex with them and then they die immediately after. Like how long? By the sex is so good, they just die. No, I'm just saying they are guaranteed to pass away as soon as you finish. All right. So now is this like that scenario from Fight Club where they're at the cancer meeting and that woman's like she's her head, her hair's all gone from the chemo. And she's like, I just want to have I've accepted that I'm dying soon, but I just want to have sex one last time. I I have lubricants and and and toys. If anyone's interested, like we talk about that kind of scenario.

I don't know. I want to go into like he told me to fuck her. interested, like, we talk about that kind of scenario. I don't remember this scene. Can you tell me if anyone fucks her? No, no one fucks her. No, she gets ushered off the stage, which, you know, but we can come back to that, but anyway, go ahead.

I don't remember this scene. No, I was just curious, because, you know, you said yes to everything so far. Like, you know, how far gone do they have to be before you're like, nah, I can't have sex with them?

Like, you'd have sex with a living person. What if they died halfway through? Is there a smell yet? No's uh it's the smell of fair game yeah like see like the way tucker phrased it as soon as you finish that's the dies yeah yeah yeah yeah that's not safe for the show but as soon as you finish, she dies. That would make you feel pretty responsible, right? I mean, I don't want to the horrible disease or whatever, but you're just the end. You just end it. Yeah. If she's going to die right after we finish, that's gonna be a hard pass because then you have a dead body and a lot of explanation.

See, we were having sex. That's why the semen is in the body. Oh, yeah. There's a lot of problems there. sex that's why the semen is in the body and oh yeah there's a lot of problems there huh uh yeah but if it was uh if it was the fight club scenario where it's like a desperate woman you know being oh you know i'm gonna die i need some dick before i go like i'm just i i just want something like you you definitely do that right yeah absolutely no condoms required either that's mother teresa ask okay i don't know if we're going to...

Well, she could be diseased, Kyle. I assume it's cancer. She's definitely diseased, but I don't think it's communicable. Yeah, we're foregoing the fact that you may contract something from this. Just Kyle's like, no condoms required, which in birth control was a clever thought. If you only fuck chicks who are dying, it doesn't matter if you have an STD. They're like AIDS. That takes like 12 years.

You might not want one yourself. What if you intend to live 12 years? You've got to live life on the edge. Come on, Woody. You're going to be a hospice fucker. You just roll around like... You know what? They should have those.

They should have hospice fuckers to be giving those people, you know, a nice little one last hurrah before they go. I feel like that fits in right right around. Like, I mean, that's a basic human desire, right? You know, you have you give prisoners their last meal. Why can't we give good, God fearing women and men their last fuck? Because they're not healthy and it's yucky. I swear this is the first one that's turned me. Death doesn't have a smell.

But it has a breathing pattern. You wash them up first. You hose them down. Roll them over. And you have your way god damn it. I'm an equal opportunity employer. Around here. That death rattle. Turn me on. And like, oh, that death rattle turned me on.

Death rattle is so not eternal. Fuck yeah, I can hear the phlegm. I know you'd be moaning if you still had the capacity. Yeah, see, like... Call me Dr. Kevorkian. Call me Dr. Kevorkian. Not everything you do has to be your favorite.

And if that poor gal with pancreatic cancer is just four months deep, you're going to sling her some dick. Make her last couple days better. Yeah, fair counterpoint. Yeah. And it'll be dick. Make her last couple days better. Yeah. Fair counterpoint, yeah. And like,

it'll be set up for your liking, the way that Black Mirror episode is where he has to fuck the pig, but they're like, alright, we'll have any kind of porn you want. You can have you know, you can take Viagras or whatever you need beforehand. You just gotta get the deed done. So now you've seen all the, have you seen Black Mirror? Oh yeah, that was

the first episode. That was the very first episode. Yeah, yeah. I'm aware. I've seen them all have you seen black mirror oh yeah that was that was the first episode that was the very first episode yeah yeah i'm aware i've seen him oh were you late to the black mirror train i might be mixed up i know kyle was i think kyle was yeah i watched most of those as soon as they came out there was one that i didn't watch because i watched the first few minutes and it was stupid and it wasn't the dog one the dog one was was stupid yeah i don't like to admit that black Mirror has any bad episodes because I'm a fan of the show, but that one, the robot dog, right? I love the Star Trek one. That's my favorite one by far.

That's the best episode. Now, you haven't finished the series, right? Yeah, I think I've seen them all. Oh, okay. Any anthology show, you have to take the good with the bad. It's not going to be a bunch of winners. Yeah. If it's a brand new concept every single episode,

you're... So I have a new show that I really think that I want to recommend to the viewers. You know, The Terror. The Terror is a show that is on AMC. It's in the 1850s, and these two British ships are going and exploring the Arctic.

I think they're trying to find some passage through the Arctic to the Pacific or something like that. It doesn't really matter because you find out right away they're not going to make it. And, oh, the Northwest Passage. Thank you, Chiz. Yeah, that's laugh-worthy because I didn't know that, you cunt. And so it's really – You're awfully hard. I've had a few drinks.

And so they get frozen in the ice up there, and then some shit goes down. It's got a couple of actors from Game of Thrones, the guy who played Mance Rayder, and the guy who played Edmure Tully, who the Red Wedding was... He's the one getting married at the Red Wedding. They are both in the show.

Mance Rayder is the captain of one of the ships, sort of the admiral of the two-ship fleet, if you will. And Edmure Tully is his second-in-command, who's very weaselly and always sort of undermining the second captain. The Terror is the name of the second captain's boat. And, you know, they're frozen in the ice in their boats, and they're sort of sending these parties out, looking to see if the ice is going to start thawing,

and they can get underway again, and some supernatural things start occurring. I want to ask, because I might not be the only one who didn't follow. What's the name of the show again? The Terror. Oh, okay. All right, and I was caught up. Yeah, yeah.

I think it's quite good. The first two hours have already been released. I believe they planned 10 episodes in in total did you say amc amc home of the walking dead maybe they have a new winner i well you know it's 10 episodes and then and then kaput you know it's definitely a mini series like like the you can see this there's no no... This is not open-ended. This is going to wrap up in eight more episodes. Like I said, the first two episodes are out. I think it comes out on Tuesdays,

I believe. I think I'm caught up on Walking Dead. What happened last time? Last time, Negan's troops, the Saviors, attacked the hilltop using their zombie-covered weapons. They infected some people.

They sort of lost the battle but kind of won the war, I suppose, in some regard because many of the hilltop fighters got sick in the night, turned into zombies, and went apeshit on their comrades. Does that not break the canon? It does. It absolutely does. There was a scene in season 2 or maybe season 3 where they're kind of going ape shit on some zombies on the highway. And I believe it may have been Andrea. She gets a little too caught up in the moment because she runs away from the group. They're trying to stick in a cohesive group and kill the zombies that are coming with their blades.

That was a time when making noise was just taboo because it'd it bring a horde your way They kind of change they kind of retcon that but Andrea gets a little out of out of hand as she stabbing these zombies Just rushing through them and she spins and cuts Rick with her zombie blood-laden knife, and he's just like whoa fuck that hurt, you know and Nothing is made of it at all But now of course if you dip your blade in some zombies blood that person's gonna die that night so yeah they they totally canon a while i mean they they broke canon uh uh spoiler when they killed uh killed off carl um because they survive until the end of the well well that's different right that that that's that's sort of changing in the comic that's sort yeah that's changing the narrative and they've

done that they did that as soon as they introduced daryl as far as i know there's been plenty of like characters that are that weren't in the comics or characters dying differently or one character's kind of standing in for another as you have michonne standing in for for um andrea andrea in some regard in the show but this this is different. This is sort of breaking the science of zombies. The continuity. Yeah, I got you. You know, like how you get infected, how the rules of the game are played.

We saw Rick literally get cut with a knife soaked in zombie blood, and I believe it was season two or three. Probably season three, somewhere in there. And now all of a sudden, like, everybody's dipping their weapons in zombie gook and it's it's a it's a death sentence when you use it against someone even their bullets that's one of the things like like even their bullets if they've been dipped in the zombie blood the people who are shot with those is that not like a problem

with i'm thinking of like 28 days later and shit isn't like i feel like my major problem with a lot of zombie films and stuff is the ability to keep that like like i have to suspend disbelief a lot of the time because it's uh i believe it's 28 days later where a drop of blood falls into the guy's eye from a crow from yeah and he turns and i was like well fuck that man everybody's dead like there's no way to protect against this shit yeah you get really in the face shield early seasons of walking dead i remember rick had like this like welders, not welder, but like if you're using a grinder, you pull like this plexiglass sort of face covering shield type thing that sparks out of your face. He was using one of those to attack zombies. And I like that a lot because I've always, you know, my friends and I like to theorize about how we handle an actual zombie.

And that's one of the pieces of equipment that we're like, yeah, you need that. Any membrane you need to cover, right? Like that's just if it's transmitted by – it's like AIDS but worse. That's why you can't fuck zombie bitches, which was a real letdown. You can just – you're going to die very soon. Oh, you wear a condom. Maybe if you wear a condom, you're all good. But you can't raw dog zombie bitches. They don't mind.

I mean they're cool with it and everything. But then you get zombie dick. Yeah, far zombie sounds like a mixed drink i always thought to myself and not to get too it does by the way and um it it is one but uh i always said like hey why wouldn't you just wear a full p like leather bodysuit from like for like uh uh no who the fuck is gonna bite through that oh that would be such a funny scene imagine if everybody's putting on their leather like suit and like everybody steps out

you pan from character to character they're all biker biker biker and then GIMP with a zipper mouth he's like why you don't have to fair why you don't have to fair that's true right the nipple chains and shit Is there a hole in the ass

I thought it would work It came like that You got a zipper crotch Like the whole nine That'd be great As long as you don't attack me from the asshole I'm fine There's a big port back there

I don't see how the ball The fuck is it called The ball gag even helps you It's just fashionable That's more in the spirit of it It's an ode to San Francisco We like it Fuck that show

I honestly want to quit talking about that show Because it doesn't deserve the words I heard Chael Sonnen talking about how Floyd Mayweather is basically trolling whenever he talks about doing MMA. And he's like, but he knows it requires words to dispel the very notion of it. And that's what he's counting on. It's like, yeah, we should just never talk about Floyd Mayweather fighting MMA because he's just a troll. He's trolling us. He's an actual real world troll.

Chael Sonnen talked about what He's not going to do that. He talked about what Mayweather needs to do to get into MMA. And he delivered the whole thing like it was serious good advice. He's like, first he needs to work on his grappling. Now he needs to understand what level

he's at. And I'm being serious here. He needs to go to like middle school and wrestle against like the 8th graders, the 7th graders. Because that's where you start. Work your way up. Maybe high school freshman. And that's probably as far as he'll get. And he delivered the whole thing like he meant it.

No way! This guy is a world-class athlete. This guy is the best boxer that the planet has ever seen. He starts with 12-year-olds? I don't know, man. Even that kid you wrestled a little too aggressively in Chicago. He seemed like he had some moves on him. He knew what he was doing.

Was he like 17? Yeah, that guy went to like a – I think his high school team won the state champion. Yeah, I was thinking when you were rolling with it, I'm like, I'm glad I don't have to wrestle that guy. I'm glad I didn't agree to this shit. He put my ass. I mean, from an armchair, because you guys are really into MMA, and I just like seeing people get the shit beat out of them.

It seems to me, especially in the fights that I see, a lot of them striking, huge part of half of the battle right but the you know if you if you put mayweather on the ground and he's not had any experience in you know grappling or at least in in actual wrestling how the fuck are you gonna you know scale that up to a world-class wrestler you're not you can't like it's just not possible i mean it is possible but and people underestimate how fast the shot is of a of a top level um wrestler or sambo guy or you know someone who's taking you down, someone who's coming in, grabbing you and throwing you to the ground. They underestimate just how fast that happens. I was watching the fight the other day with

fuck, who was it? It was the black guy who fought with the MRSA infection or whatever he had. Kevin Lee. Kevin Lee was fighting I guess it was his fight for the interim belt against Tony Ferguson.

Ferguson, yeah. And he was so goddamn fast, even with that staph infection, when he would wrap Tony up and take him to the ground, it happened in a fraction of a second. And Tony's one of the best in the world at preventing that from happening to him, and yet he's in, he has him, and he's on the ground so goddamn fast now like i said tony's great at defending that and even from the bottom he'd kill most normal men he's fucking dropping these elbows from the bottom on the top of kevin's head that like i just i would love to feel the top of kevin's head after that fight because i bet it feels like a roadmap of, of like pop knots, but, but still like somebody like, um, uh, Mayweather,

no fucking chance. Like, like he's not going to stop anything. I was, I was, I was pleasantly surprised with that fight by the way, because you know, it had to get called. It wasn't one on, uh, on points. It wasn't like the Pacquiao fight, which I was just so bored out of my mind. Like it felt like a it felt like a good fight, although it was, you know, I don't know anything about the sport. It was kind of like a slugfest. But I was under the impression that because he's been fighting for so long, his hands are just fucked up like Mayweather just is, you know, so if he doesn't have boxing gloves and stuff, wouldn't that also affect the ability to fight anyways? Absolutely. I've heard that i've heard that uh notion put forward many times because he's broken his hands lots his hands are very fragile they're brittle and you don't have all that cushion in the uh in

the ufc gloves you know he can't do it he's doing he's trolling he wants headlines he'll he'll fight in boxing again he'll fight somebody else i don't know fucking oscar de la jolla or whoever the fuck but he'll fight somebody maybe nick diaz like he'll fight someone in boxing you know oh you're saying bring somebody from ma over yeah maybe they do that again i don't know who he's gonna fight but he'll fight boxing again yeah that's good yeah yeah i'd be down i'd watch nick diaz fighter do you mean nick the big one or nate i mean nate i'm sorry yeah the one that gets the one shit i'd watch nick too i prefer nick i think honestly because it's been so long since we've Do you mean Nick, the big one, or Nate? I mean Nate. I'm sorry. The one that gets the one that has the ego. I'd watch Nick too.

I prefer Nick, I think, honestly, because it's been so long since we've seen him do anything. And, you know, he's just, he's almost legendary at this point because you've heard so much, like you've heard Rogan like tell his tale so many times. You know, he just wakes up. Then he runs a marathon. And then he swims for two hours. From Alcatraz to San Francisco. And then he swims for two hours. From Alcatraz to San Francisco. And then he smokes another joint.

And he does it all again. You missed the first joint in your telling of the story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He smokes a joint and then runs for two hours flat out. And then gets on a bike for an hour. And then he swims an hour and a half. He is an extreme endurance athlete,

and that's a big part of his fighting style. Let me ask this, and it's probably a stupid question, but maybe you guys have heard rumors or have some idea. Does pot at all help with cardio? Could it put you in a state where you don't think of the pain

or exhaustion? I don't see how any kind of smoking could help your cardio my my friend was very adamant in high school um that he he he would never play soccer i played soccer at a pretty competitive level he would never play soccer high but during practice he would always every single uh every single night he would go out smoke a joint and then come to practice with us. And in his words, he just said, like, when I'm high, I just kind of black everything out. And the only thing I think about is just playing the game, which I can understand.

Like, I can see that working. But I don't think that it gives you any advantage outside of just getting in a mental state to do a repetitive workout. I find it hard to believe that that would be a performance enhancer in any way i i do have a so the nick diaz has been caught i i don't know how the i'm not an expert in drug tests but according to joe rogan the level of metabolites or whatever they found in his meant he must have been high as fuck during one of his fights no during the testing he's smoking while he's pissing so apparently he entered the octagon this is how rogan tells

the story way high like uh an olympic level of highness yeah and um now keep in mind this is a guy who has uh like social anxiety issues so i put those together and i wonder like oh could he be a better version of him because he has social anxiety problems you know under the lights with the cameras and stuff when he's high sure i i can i can see that's more plausible than anything that i said i it you know just the fact that he's more comfortable performing when he is you know at a at a state that's more mellowed out like that makes sense to me a lot more so than like i smoke to train better okay also uh i because this is kind of on topic about a week ago i got into a rabbit hole watching um mma fighting specifically a documentary on this dude and i have to read his name fedor

emily emily emilia nanko this russian guy sure and his and his trainee because i watched this video of this like what looked to be like a six five three hundred pound mma fighter and this like looks like some guy you pulled off of the field like walking around and he just they he doesn't protect himself at all. He just throws punches and wins every fight. And so I watched like a 45 minute documentary about like this, like the Rocky version of Russia. And I don't think I've ever been so enamored by somebody who I've never heard of in my entire life.

Fedor is considered by a lot of people to be the best heavyweight who's ever existed. I like to go for Stipe, the current heavyweight champ, only because there's no cans. I'm really testing my knowledge here, but I want to say Fedor had like five or six good heavyweight fights. You know, he had maybe a crow crop or two, a nog, and I don't know, Barnett or something.

Like a couple. Everybody Stipe fights, heett or something. Like, Elliot, a couple. Everybody Stipe fights. He's had just as many, and he has three title defenses, which no one's ever done in the UFC. Gotcha. Maybe I'm just rooting for the current guy. In Pride, were they soccer ball kicking? Yes.

And stomping and stuff? Yeah. I like that. I like that a lot. What is that? That's when an opponent is downed, you can kick them in the face. Or when an opponent is downed, you can stomp them. He's just standing there, just beating the guy, just arms like this, just kicking him.

And I was like, oh my god, this is awesome. Russian Federation over here. I like that. You know, they have no elbows on the ground, though, I think, in Pride. Bizarre. That keeps it fair. Well, the thing is pride apparently the japanese audiences i'm sure there's like tens of people who really care about

this apparently the japanese audience really doesn't like blood so they would be much quicker to call off a fight because of blood you never see those guys with like real bloody faces then but in the american audiences love it and that becomes like one of the legendary fights of all times when people fight through that like fully bloody face but here soccer kicks are kind of like nobody wants to see you like kicking the shit out of somebody on the

ground it's not I think it's it seems like a dirty fight move yeah I think to American audience it seems like something that's sort of dirty that you shouldn't do. It's literally a phrase. Don't kick somebody when they're down. That's literally a saying that everybody knows.

So that makes sense. Meanwhile, Fedor is, it's time to kick. I just love it. All of his interviews, he's just like deadpan. I like fighting. He's just got that allure about him. I would love it if the UFC added soccer kicks, what they call them, kicks to the face after Lozon retires.

After. Lozon is fighting in a week from now on April 7th. Look forward to that. It's a huge night of fights. I'm definitely buying the card. Very pumped for it. I can't wait. I can't wait to see how the division changes when you see Habib fight

Tony. We're going to either learn or it's going to solidify one of these guys for sure. Like in our minds. Because Habib is put forward as the unbeatable kagastani eagle who wrestled bears at seven years old and and just cannot be stopped for the brutal ground and pound and or it's gonna solidify it's gonna either take all that away and you'll be like ah well look he fought a real world-class fighter and that one-dimensional fighting style

got taken apart he got embarrassed he got boxed out of his goddamn skull and then knocked unconscious with a fucking knee we're gonna see one of those things happen i'm very excited for that and for how that changes things with conor mcgregor i know you hate conor mcgregor now but i love him i'll never i'll never get off the conor train until he loses a fight in mixed martial arts that he you know like the the nick diaz thing is kind of a uh an aberration because of all because of many factors but until he loses in one of the divisions where he holds holds a belt i'm 100 on board with this guy that those are my bandwagon rules right i like the man i like his fighting style i like his attitude i i love it all and i fully expect him to come back and fight the winner

of april 7th uh fight here's what i expect because i don't think it's highly of him he will lose his belt this will open up the door for him to fight anybody because he's no longer the champion you don't have to fight the number one contender or somebody good and he's going to try to find a way to grab like mayweather or like he'll have aldo step up to 155 and it won't be a title fight or he'll just do some bullshitty goofus fight because connor's stopped being a competitor and now he's a showman i disagree with all that i think he's been training this whole time. I think he loves to train. I think he's addicted to training. I like to imagine that he's been rounding his game

out during this time. I feel like in preparation for the Mayweather fight, his boxing probably improved exponentially. His handwork improved really well. His footwork. I hope in this last, I don't know, year or whatever, since the Mayweather fight almost, that he's been working on other areas of his game, that he comes back with some high level jits or he comes back with some high level wrestling or something like that. I really love the guy. Most of these, like, look, they're not charismatic. He is the most charismatic of all of these mixed martial arts guys. And you want that guy to be the best at

the same time it's you want the guy who talks the talk and walks the walk and and and he's both as of right now but you got to start walking again or i'm going to start leaning toward a woody's gamer tag opinion of the matter i've seen like i was going to say every conor mcgregor interview obviously i must have missed one but i've seen so, I don't even think he's good at trash talk anymore. It's just, I don't know who you are, when he clearly does. I watched the guy rattle off the list of everyone in the weight class above and below him and their reaches, so he would know who had longer arms. And then, like, the number three guy in the world talks.

He's like, who are you? You know who he is. You just don't have anything clever to say. Who are you? I'm rich. Well, shucks. It doesn't go much longer. That's kind of been the last thing.

Those have been the sound bites that I've seen. Come on. He tore Aldo apart. All that stuff. What did he do? I run this town. He's talking about how he how he's afraid how he's been running from the belt every time he gets a little energy he high uh injury he hides

from me he goes on about um how he's aldo's daddy how he's talking he's disrespecting his country disrespecting his family tell him he's not a man tell him he's a chicken tell him that you know what i'm tired of talking trash talking aldo now Now I'm just going to nurture him. He's going to be my little bitch. I'm going to hold him and caress him. Did he say that? I don't remember that. Yeah, yeah. He's like, I'm going to hold him and caress him. Because come April 7th, it's all over and I'm taking that belt.

I don't know. When he's in that sit-down interview with the interpreter there, and he and he's like tell him i'm his daddy tell him i'm his daddy and the interviewer is like i'm not gonna tell him that tell him i'm his daddy and she's like in portuguese he says he's your daddy he's no he is not my daddy that's all aldo has he's like sit on my knee little boy come on sit on my knee i'm your daddy and he's like, sit on my knee, little boy. Come on. Sit on my knee. I'm your daddy. And he's like, ha-ha. There's some good stuff. I didn't give him enough credit. That is what the sport needs.

I'm comparing him to Chael Sonnen. And Chael Sonnen was great. You know, like, who is the man with the greatest charms and the biggest arms? Who is the guy? You know what they call it? There's a name for the greatest fighter. They don't call the greatest fighter in the history of the UFC the greatest of the time greatest fighter in the history of the sea they call him JLP Sonnen and like he goes on like that I ruined

it but he had lines he had prepared things he went Muhammad Ali and wrote poems so you jump in and then he'd be like kabo, and just end the interview right there. And it was great. He would go in and just – I know they talked about it beforehand, but he'd sit on ESPN and he would fight with the guy interviewing him. Not literally fighting, but he'd just be like, you're terrible at this. I'm giving you soundbites. You're ruining this. Is that really the question you want to ask?

Yeah, yeah. And he'd be so argumentative and combative during the interviews. And it's a bit, of course, but it was great. And he had a new thing all the time. Connor is 80% repeat. When it comes to your health, brushing your teeth is one of the most important parts of your day. Quip knows that. They've combined dentistry and design to make a better electric toothbrush.

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uh make it happen links down below it works great no matter what orifice you're using it on they work great i use my quip every morning to brush my teeth kyle and it works fantastic it's got those little rubbery things on the side of the brush itself that like scrubs your gum line and whatnot. It's very nice. Is that what we're calling it these days? That's what we're calling it these days, fellas. Still a sponsor.

So yeah, it's very great. Can't recommend them high enough. We've been using this extensively, so much so it's still in the package. I saved it for the show. I actually am looking forward to it. But this is what the toothbrush looks like, if you guys can see it. Can you turn it on and tell me the vibration power? And that thing that it's in is the holder. You flip it upside down and

place it in there when you're done. Looks nice on your countertop. Doesn't look, you know, gauche or nasty. I didn't mean to put you on the spot in removing it from the holder. Yeah, I would actually need to figure something out. So you want to pull the toothbrush out of the stand. Okay, it's taped in, so this will take a little ah or you can they don't they don't play they make sure it stays securely in there until it arrives and i don't woody didn't hold it up but

it shows up in a package that is way more aesthetically pleasing than you would think about for a toothbrush no in a standard way i don't know if you'll be able to hear it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Very high frequency. That is a flack-busting vibration. Yeah, that's one word for it. That thing is multi-talented.

Well, it's very nice. I recommend it. We're on the show again. I was waiting. I wanted to do the unboxing for everybody. What does it come with here? What a shit unboxing. I don't do a lot of unboxing. This is a whole camera.

So it comes with a tube of something. What is this for? Toothpaste. What is this for? I believe this is lubricant to keep the mechanism running. But there's another one. Yeah, it's a large toothpaste. Oh, okay. So this is two weeks of toothpaste and this is three months of toothpaste.

Yes, because you can't bring the big one on you on a plane. So if you want to bring your quip, you bring your travel toothpaste with you. Gotcha. They've got all your bases covered. Well, there you have it. Regardless of what Tucker said, I think the unboxing was fabulous. I think it was a smashing success. Tucker, they might be watching this. Words hurt.

No, I'm sorry. This is what comes with Quip. You get three months and two weeks worth of toothpaste and a vibrating toothbrush and you'll have fresh breath. And all of the oral care products that are promoted here are for use in the mouth. I always want to put them somewhere else, though. Kyle,

I feel like there's chis in the chat saying no, God, no. No, he doesn't mind. No, I've seen plenty of pornos. I've seen plenty of pornos where they use a ladies will use an electric toothbrush as a masturbatory device on their clitoris. That's not in the do not say.

No, it's not. They should work on that do not say section. Don't assume Kyle won't say it. Please explicitly write out what he cannot say. You know who wished they did that? 100% food.

You know, if you've got a crack in your sidewalk outside, add a little water, mix it up, and spackle it on in. Yeah, it goes on thick, doesn't it, Taylor? Absolutely. They didn't appreciate what a good job we did for them. This is all that's holding the foundation of my house together Those Canadian geese If they're causing trouble Just sprinkle that out there

Kills them quick It's a wasp deterrent Oh man They did not I hope we're not responsible for them going out of business no they went out of business because they were so anal about what you couldn't say that's right no that was the opposite of that because they said give your honest appraisal of the way it tastes and everything and i gave what some were saying was harsh a harsh appraisal of what it tasted what happened because it was a texture

thing more than the taste well it tastes like grit it it was uh it tasted like i remember the way i described it was raw dough the texture i remember you get to the bottom there was like flax seeds in it i was on this show i was on this episode this was the drink shit that you guys were talking about that was just like a molasses yeah i remember hearing it because we talked i wanted to talk about fucking soylent and it being actually consumable when when taylor had like the bottom of it unmixed i thought he hadn't tried hard enough right like like oh you know like taylor shake it no he tried really hard several times during the show and he's just and then it was still there it was it was pretty funny then what happened was this here's the behind the scenes on that we watched another podcast do their

advertisement it might have been rooster teeth and we went on to their website and uh i don't i don't know the rooster teeth people and i probably misattribute the quote but yeah it was like somebody would say like i was able to like power it down right that that was like an endorsement on their website like you know taylor said he was able to power it down and i was like all right all right these guys have a sense of humor we'll do a thing then it went over pretty big then i took that ad read and i uploaded it as an individual video on my website right and it got like another i don't make up a number 80 000 views or something like that and like they really got a lot of mileage i thought out of it but apparently pitching it as like sidewalk crack repair uh doesn't sell it and they they uh they didn't

advertise with us anymore no they did not like my pitch of this will help you lose weight because you won't be able to stomach it you know gee i wonder and then like it got lots of play on the subreddit and like you know people had fun with it i feel like next to my wife's chili, it's the second most famous food. I just clicked on this planetarian shit, and it looks like when you made those Chex Mix chocolate snacks, but instead you just ruined it

with all nasty shit. Sunflower chips from Sunflower Meal? Cheers, are these like a future sponsor? Because... They're called $10 for six packs. Chiz, are these like a future sponsor? They're called $10 for six packs. Planetarian sunflower chips. They're going to compare it to chicken nuggets, ground beef, and their sunflower chips. So the 100% food site redirects to this planetarians. I don't know if it's the same people or if they just bought the domain for its traffic i wish that we would stop uh i saw somebody um tweeted this it was a it was

a chef a youtube chef that i follow he tweeted um when can we stop this like uh clearly um clearly false advertising or not clearly but just you, you know, untruthful advertising where it was health chips. And it was like more, I, or more iron than five tomatoes and like all this shit. And he was like, well, first off, nobody's going to consume five tomatoes. And also five tomatoes have only 15% of your daily intake on iron. So like you're, you're padding your, it was like three cups of spinach, more vitamin a. And it was like,

well, that's like not any vitamin a, you know, but using it as like the healthy, healthy brand. So I feel like that falls into the category. Yeah. I was very selective with the,

the comparisons of nutrition and shit. If you're going to eat some unhealthy shit, like eat the, like don't drink diet Coke. Just like drink the real stuff and just don't be a shit and just not do that every day. Yeah, if I'm going to cheat with chips or something crackery like Cheez-Its, I'm going to go whole hog.

I'm going balls to the wall. I'm getting some Cheez-Its, and that's what I'm going to have. And I can't do that all the time, or I'll get fat. But I don't want to three times as often as that treat myself to a chip that is like, oh, well, this is a chip. But I'm not getting that dopamine hit of Cheez-It, of delicious cheese snack. We have sugar snap peas. I think that's what they're called. They might just be called snap peas.

But my wife is like, oh, if you have a craving for potato chips, try these peas still in their pod. It's not the same thing. Isn't that like a Brian Regan bit? So you like ice cream

and cookies. Have you ever tried lemongrass with soy toast? It's like, none of these things are similar. I always loved this bit where he's like the Fig Newtons. He's like, the serving size is two Fig Newtons. He's like, who just eats two Fig Newtons? It's like an incomprehensible small amount of Fig Newton.

And then he's talking about the hospital. We got an ER here. We got an ER here. We got a three Fig Newton eater. He's literally on the gas charge. How many did he have? Three? Doesn't he read?

Doesn't he read? I know people on the fitness talk every week, but it's been a while. I'm having some success with my lifting and diet. You know, whatever. My weights are going up, and that's encouraging to me. And my actual weight is going down. Not super fast because I think I'm putting on some muscle. But 197 is the best I ever weighed in, and I weighed in at 197 again.

But I think this is better than last year's. You're looking youthful. You're looking healthy. You know? Yeah, and lighting. Lighting, haircut. You're wearing the Hollister shirt. You're looking like a snack, Woody.

I'm looking fly. Not a day of a 30. Ready for prom. I like the – my wife picked out this one. No, it's a good shirt. Yeah. Well, I mean, go back and look. Like, do you ever go back to the episodes where you were at your heaviest?

And then kind of get a comparison there and be like, okay, it didn't feel like I'd done that much. But this is a significant difference. I posed for this picture with two famous paramotors. People wouldn't care. But the three of us are lined up. And it became like the one-year anniversary on Facebook. So it was like, hey, do you want to repost this memory? And I saw it and it was like, oh, I look so much better than that right now.

And it was made me feel good. Yeah. I just started going to the gym again a couple of weeks ago. And I'm not I hate lifting, but I love running. I love cardio. And I swear the hardest part is trying to convince yourself after like i go every other day convince yourself that yes you should go in and lift even though you feel like like i feel like my pecs hurt way more than they should but it's just you gotta get past that initial like yeah mom get over that hump it sucks so much it's

so much easier to stay in shape it sucks getting into shape you know start slower well you don't want to i started really slow this time around are you i'm bench pressing or not i'm pressing 40 pounds doing high rep low low weight but uh i mean my first couple workouts were almost a discipline in holding back because i um like i'm old and i have to start slow like the soreness you get at 25 lasts two days that would last for four on me. So I was like, you know, just start it slow. And, you know, like it doesn't have to be much. You just have to pop that cork out. And so I did that.

Anyway, I'm really happy with how it's going. That's good. Yeah, I'm glad to hear you're doing some weight stuff now, Tucker, because you've always been a marathon man. I'm a pool noodle, you know? I realize that that doesn't go very far. You walk by somebody on the street, and they're like, that could not raise a family. But maybe down the line, I can't carry two kids in my arms.

That could not. That's good. That's a good one. Man, that's what you think people are thinking when they see you. Or women are thinking, oh! That kid had way too much estrogen in his diet. What's going on over there? Yeah.

You haven't anything but soy? I love my Soylent. I've never tried a Soylent. Neither have I. And I don't... What is it? Soylent Neither have I What is it? It's people It's made of people

There's a movie From when I was a little kid Soylent Green And the earth is wildly Overpopulated and everybody eats this thing Called Soylent Green and at the end You learn that Everybody eats this thing called Soylent Green, and at the end, you learn that everybody eats this

ground-up people. No, I remember that. And someone made a product recently called Soylent. Was it just Soylent, not Soylent Green? They must have known! I mean, they had to have known.

This also, to my knowledge, wasn't this one of those weird cult movies that didn't actually gain very much traction, but everybody talks about it now? It was a big Charlton Heston movie back in the day. Oh, okay. If you know the director, then people obviously, like this is not. The actor, you know. Oh, okay. Sorry.

I don't know anybody. Oh, man. Charlton Heston's a classic. He did the Ten Commandments, you know. Was he the NRA guy, too? He was the NRA from my coat, you know. Was he the NRA guy, too? He was the NRA from my goat dead head. Was he? He was in Tombstone as well.

Near the end of Tombstone, they seek shelter in a gentleman's home when Doc Holliday starts coughing up blood from his tuberculosis. And it's Charlton Heston's home, his ranch, where they're taken in. Charlton Heston literally had the same job as that. I'm going to mess up her name. It would come close. Laura Dausch? What's her name?

Do you know? I don't know who that is, but Charleston Heston was sort of a spokesman for the NRA, I believe. Yeah, that's what she is. She's a pretty girl with long, dark hair. Yeah. Yeah, Dana Lash. Wait, the girl that's currently the NRA spokesperson? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I know her. I think Charleston Heston might have had that same job. Charles, what the fuck is his name? Help me. Give me a lifeline. I'm going to phone a friend. Charleston Heston. What did I say? I don't know. It was close. Charles. Yeah. Close enough.

The Charleston, like the Charleston Shuffle. Or a Charleston Chew. The great taste of Charleston Chew. The great taste of Charleston Chew. Oh my God, Charleston Chew. That was my favorite. No, there's something close. Anyway. Chew's the only one who laughed.

So an Uber with a self-driving car killed a woman. It was driving in the dark and it hit her. And Uber stopped its whole self-driving car program was a reaction to an over yes it was no i actually have no idea uh it was it was dark she they didn't they suspended they didn't like cancel everything they just kind of took a break right okay i think i thought nvidia stopped their um oh arizona banned uber from testing Is that where it happened, Arizona? It was in Arizona. I have some pretty strong feelings about, I mean, the car malfunctioned.

Like, radar should never, lighting conditions don't affect radar. Does it use radar? Is that the tech? It does. Okay. So, I mean, it just, or infrared or pick one and so lighting conditions should never be the case the woman was i believe she was jaywalking correct me if i'm wrong i'm positive you're right well and so yeah definitely for jay problem solved i mean i mean yes the woman

is not not at fault it wasn't like a routine thing and if i were the driver i think somebody released like the footage as if you, a human, were watching. Like you could have slammed on the brakes and it probably wouldn't have killed her. The self-driving car just kind of was like, there's nobody there. Let's just keep going. I mean. Oh, shit. This is great.

Let's watch this woman die. No. It's on Monday morning. It was right at the end. Oh, they stop right when the good part happens. But yeah, I mean, you can see here like... Can we watch it in sync?

What is this cow driving the car? Oh my god. Is that a man? Alright, are we queued up at zero? I'm at zero. Ready, set, play. There's no audio. Driving down the... Wham!

You know... You'd have never stopped in time You'd have never stopped in time She wasn't looking Or he wasn't looking She probably going by the hair It I think they prefer it Oh yeah everyone likes their own pronoun See their face get really big

See like that That was the same face that person makes When they see the five for five arby's sign i mean there's yeah i just i feel like there were there were multiple problems there but the majority of them land on the woman and the car like the guy who's operating it yes i mean they they i mean yeah there's three but i just feel like the guy who is testing the autonomous driving if this was a production meal a vehicle you're supposed to pay attention but like who the fuck the whole point of autonomous driving is not to pay attention right it's just there was clearly a an error either in uber software or like the the the sensors that caused the car not

to recognize there was a woman slowly walking across the street but why the fuck were you doing that it's like a very busy or like a big road it's not like how does she not see that car coming it's not like it didn't have fucking big lights headlights on the front of it right this is silly i thought when we saw this it was gonna be like broad daylight, and someone was just like walking through an intersection, and this car like came over a hill and hit them or something. No, it's the dead of night. No human being in the world could have stopped. I don't care if you're an F1 driver.

You're not stopping, swerving, anything in time to prevent that. The argument was that if he was paying attention, he could have slammed on the brakes. Somebody did the stupid-ass math like the braking distance of the car. And they're like, he would have hit the driver at a significantly lower speed. Probably still would have died. I think it was like 38 miles an hour is what the armchair physicist came up with. And it was just like, well, fuck then.

What do we like? Who do you punish? I mean, it was everybody. I don't know the level of punishment, but the guy who, or the person, we still haven't deduced that, who was in charge of watching the vehicle. I really thought it was a girl. Like, that's. It had like a. When you're storming the beach of autonomous driving, you have to be paying attention.

Like, you can't just be looking at your phone, letting it go about its business. Like, you're there because there are a lot of kinks you have to work out. Yeah, you're not supposed to be just chilling. But mean so i'm not going to defend him i'm just saying that overall it seems like the majority of the weight should fall on the person crossing the street not looking both ways and then the car's systems for failing yeah you're not wrong like that that that was not a crosswalk it's in the middle of the night. And she wasn't even crossing with that partial jog, like getting across quick. It was more of what appeared to be kind of a slow meandering

across the street. That was a really lackadaisical cross. I'm like, I jog and there's nobody around me. I just don't want to be standing in the street. I crossed the road very similar to that a week ago. And I'm playing it like Frogger. You know, you're on top of this. You know where the cars are. That person was, I don't know what they were thinking,

just meandering across a highway. Kyle, what do you see? Kyle, fill us in, bud. Is this show appropriate? He's really hunting. Oh, no. Skibbity bop!

We should have known. Nothing makes Kyle's face do that. I think it has music in it, though, right? It does. But it's him making music. So I only heard skibbity bop or something. I heard less than a second of it. So you're pretty sure this is copyright free? Why don't chis pre-watch this for us and because the first two seconds are not really

no problemo chis says okay are we watching i had never seen this before but when it really gets going i i was i was stunned by the talent of this individual making this video. We can't not watch it now. Everyone wants to know what Kyle just reacted to. Are we queued up at zero? Uh-huh. Yes, we are. I don't know what we're in for.

Ready, set, play. Skipping the button. Faggot. I really wanted to get this fucking surgery, man. I wanted it so fucking bad. It seems mean. It is mean. I just can't do it.

Wait, we're going to get past this part. We've all seen this part. It gets exponentially better. I wanted to fucking stream and have a good time. Maybe have a good game. Have a good time. Have a good game. I hate my life. This is hard to watch.

I thought this was going to be more fun. Kyle, this is literally... Kyle, we'll see. This is the source material. We... Now you see. You see. You see. Wait for it.

He's learning. Give up. I hate my life He's learning I give up Kyle's doing a jig for anybody not watching I just can't do it Kyle's doing a jig for anybody not watching. I just can't do it. That was like a minute and 12 seconds of unnecessary footage. Yeah. That was so much unnecessary footage.

That was just to set the tone as mean-spirited. Like there was no... He turned it into a musical instrument that's brilliant that's brilliant what a bar for brilliant in him to like seize the memes and make it part of his business right you know be like hey it's been a great stream but uh i need at least two controller throws so hang in there bop in there You know we're calling it a wrap Well they gotta give these guys something to go with You know what he recently revealed He has a stunt controller

He has a specific controller That gets thrown Do you believe that He's shattered controllers before Has he not just broken it On this show he bragged About how many controllers he broke But just recently I saw on a stream, he bragged about how many controllers he broke, but just recently I saw on a stream where he said

that he's never actually broke a controller, and then he starts producing all of them, saying how they're not broken. Well, I saw him pull out a specific controller, and he was like, this is the stunt controller. Whenever I need to throw a controller, this one gets the wall. For all your controller throwing needs.

Stunt controller. there's a business idea it could be nerf i got nerf controllers right have you guys ever been so mad you've thrown a controller no one time i have never thrown a controller never broken i have thrown my headset and comedic like for comedic value this one but like i've never i've never gotten so mad at anything that i'm like god you know i've told never hit a wall i broke a cup once i've never hit a wall either i just i don't know you have to really let go to do something like that i was having an argument with someone and i was drinking coffee and i we were outside and i threw a cup on the ground that's as close

to any of this as i've ever came i've never hit a wall i've never done something like that before yeah i um i this is when i first started we had a regular like crt like old school tube television and i upgraded to a flat screen i didn't realize that this particular one had terrible motion blur and i was so excited about a big flat screen and how it might help me and i played terribly all night long and uh that gap between like where i what i thought it was going to do for me and what it actually did to me was so wide i was so disappointed i threw my controller it didn't break but the batteries came out i've been mad enough during hockey before like if we like getting knocked out of the playoffs or

something that like like you know you've watched hockey where the goalie gets really mad and like takes his stick right and acts like it smashes it into the side of the net and it breaks but an nhl goalie will break it and go i gotta go get another one off the bench you know because there's a hundred of them for me like when you as a 16 year old break your stick in anger it immediately goes from like all right i feel better for breaking something to like oh no that was my good stick and these are like 200 and i'm 16 and so i gotta hope oh nope dad definitely saw me shatter my stick in anger okay well it looks like i'm going bargain bin hunting you know it's just like oh i'm not buying you another nice one if you're just gonna to break it every time you get pissed.

So, yeah, you don't want that. Chiz says we have to watch the gnome video. Chiz says we have to. It's a hard and fast one. Well, what are we going to do? The gnome video. What is this? It's just like the new meme. Google Blyat.

I think I have seen this. He says Wings should like this yeah actually i had that same thought and so i've seen this one and if i was wings i would think i would see the funny in it can we yeah i i watched a video of only using blade watching this video you got a kick out of it well there you go all right ready tucker are you ready i can't yeah i'm good i'm good ready set play from the people that brought you google home comes the stranger things smart home and it's just outside your window meet google gnome i'm a 450 pound dude that can barely walk okay no what's the weather like outside people keep asking me i have no clue what's

going on with the outside world right now he's right okay no turn on the hose i'm holding why okay no can i eat this lemon tree leaf i don't give a fuck what about this daisy you say another word like that you get banned from this channel please okay but i could eat it okay no add milk to my shopping list you're just gonna get bad now. You've asked the same question four times, man. I keep doing that. Sorry Okay, no, is this compost look look here I Shut the fuck up, dude. You're a little kid. So just regular trash then?

That was well done. That was good. What he said, like, shut the fuck up. You're a little kid, and little kid is like... You're a little kid. It was great. If I'm Wings, I like that one. Yeah. The prior one, I would not like. No!

The musical half of it is borderline, but re-showing my lowest low that's not as low as low really i think that's as low as low what's lower i mean lost a syndicate with m16s on bog yeah keep laughing fgot. He said that to me. I know, that's why I thought it was so bad. Oh, did he? He did not treat me well, yeah. And I said something like,

it's okay, Wings, we've all been there, or something like that. And he misheard it. Do you remember how it went exactly? He said, keep laughing. Yeah, and and he was like i don't know he's like no i'm not trash or something like that i i forget he thought i insulted him but i was actually being very nice to him and uh and i think i might have laughed like like a nervous laugh or laugh at all or diffuse the tension exactly and he was like keep laughingaggot. And I even forgave that.

Oh, Wings, we've all been there. You sort of said that to him after he called you a faggot. Chiz has it time-stamped here. See, I wasn't here for that PKA. I was in Seattle at PAX. And so, yeah, this will be fun to actually experience this on the show. Wait. Oh, my God. I love this. At one point, this will be fun to actually experience this on the show. Wait. Oh, my God.

I love this. At one point, this is my favorite. I don't know if the timestamp will miss it, but someone sends a message and his gamer tag is you just rage quit. Just wanted to point that out. I'm pretty sure it was at the beginning or closer. This has 100K views on some randos channel. I love it. This is one of the copies that has 100k views on some randos channel, I love it. This is one of the copies that has 100k views.

Yeah, this is a monumental gaming moment in my mind. In my life. Ready? Wait, are we time stamped it? Yeah, we're time stamped. Ready, set, play. Wings, did you spawn in? I broke my controller. I said I know it sucks and he missed and

he says no I know he says no I don't fucking suck yeah and then he fucking breaks it oh my god you're in there with redneck Oh my god. I forgot all about that He just said fuck you Why the fuck you stream that shit That's history We had streamed the whole pka Right so I to over talk about redneck says i'll play redneck is a much better player than me and i know that i'm about to get like demolished on stream but i'm trying to

change the topic four wings as a favor yeah please go please go Please go. Please go. He's saying please go, but I don't understand that he wants the stream to end. I'm like, I'm going. In my head. We're using the same stuff? Yeah, we're using the same stuff. Please cancel the stream. I don't give a fuck.

Please cancel the stream. I do not want to hear these fuckers talk. Alright. Okay, guys. To help out my friend wings here I'm gonna I'm gonna end this class you're classic Woody and I'll see you guys next week I think so oh wait the rooms in you know what we all right I'm gonna cancel the stream I'm gonna cancel the stream wings asked for it and uh sorry about that have a good night everybody i hope you enjoyed the show and uh have a nice day peace there we go it takes a second turn everything off back in the day. I don't remember why. I love the fact that you just didn't turn off your notifications.

So that whole tense moment is, COD Modern Warfare 2 sent you a message. Yeah, that was a really big deal in the COD community at the time. Because Wings and Syndicate were both enormous. Wings was huge. I saw a youtube video recently and it was like top three biggest dramas ever in like call of duty history or something like that that was number two i was number two yeah i think number one was um was when i fly

called out the other guy oh yeah raw instinct and then got called masturbating yeah yeah i don't think they mentioned the masturbation thing but they mentioned like like his take to his video like calling him out and it was such a well-done video you know comparing what he did to what t-mart was doing they made that the number one i believe i can't believe i was just going to talk about the actual drama that blew me away because raw instinct would t-mart would work very hard to come up with jump spots and stuff like that. Raw Instinct would copy his titles, his thumbnail style. Like T-Mart had almost like a branding with a particular font and color. So if you saw it, you'd be like, oh, that's a T-Mart video. Raw Instinct copied that.

But that's bad. When it got super bad, T-Mart would do like a house tour. So Raw Instinct would do his house tour as well. And, you know, like he'd introduce you to his dog or whatever, like a house tour. So Raw Instinct would do his house tour as well. And he'd introduce you to his dog or whatever, like a car tour. And he just started copying no matter what. I swear, T-Mart could be like, pat my head, rub my belly, and the guy would come up with a similar video. It got almost mocking he copied him so blatantly. Yeah, that was absurd

and it was it was frustrating i'm sure for for t martin because like people didn't know that and then like i i'm sure there were people who thought that t mart was the one copying him because if the videos are played on the same day you can't necessarily tell like oh this one was went up at noon and then this jackass uploaded his at 4 p.m. You can't necessarily tell that. The other part of it, I don't know if people still have this mindset, but back in the day, it seemed almost like you were entitled to your related views. If someone likes your video and then the ones on the right are also by you, then you might get four or five views because you made a good video.

One video could get you that much. And if you looked at like watch a T-Mart video, a lot of the related were like camouflaged Raw Instinct videos. You know, they'd be slipped in there. They look like they're from T-Mart. They have a similar thumbnail. They've got the same titles. And they're just sort of it was like he was stealing Longtail from T-Mart. Yeah, he was.

I mean, that was that was a big problem. That dude put himself through college off of Trevor's back, which is crazy. He didn't know that's what he did. You know, but I think we need to have a where are they now? YouTuber's edition. Let's get raw instinct. I fly X jaws. Fucking let's get I mean, let's just get all the people.

I love this idea. I want to see where everybody's at. Like, where did the... Blade? Uh, who else is big? I saw White Boy literally two weeks ago at the Ready Player One Yeah, at the Ready Player One review or, uh, premiere thing. Which was nice, because I legitimately

hadn't seen him in ages, but like I just want to know where everybody's at that isn't currently doing this and has never dabbled again in in gaming or youtube could be cool i could behind the channel it would be like a behind the music yeah yeah behind the channel she says that's hey somebody fund this let's go a part how much could it cost i don't know you're gonna have to pay these people like hey come out come out like your darts. We're all involved. We'll give you a Best Buy and Control Freak discounts. Control Freak

discounts. They still do that? Yes. Two pairs of Gunner optics for one hour of your time. Let's go. I talked to Sam just a couple days ago. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I talked to him on Twitter a little bit. How'd that go you know he's doing well he's doing his thing he he was uh he was talking about some you know he was

wanting to do some sort of a trip or something like that with some with some other people we know uh you know i like sam oh yeah he was on like gosh that might be a year ago now, right? Probably a year and a half. Yeah. Oh, you guys had him on? Yeah, we did. It was nice that he,

I feel like I want to say, I'm looking for a better term than set the record state straight because he was on like the time before that. I'll call it three years ago, whatever it was. And he didn't put his best foot forward in that show. He came off a little bit crazy. People theorize that maybe he wasn't completely sober show from one thing or another.

And, but he was on more recently and he was pretty normal guy. Yeah, for sure. So let's see, we did the Uber thing. Fuck politics. Woo. Games. We did the Uber thing. Fuck politics. Woo!

Games. I really came prepared for a drinking episode. I wish I was drinking. We can, we can, we can. I absolutely came prepared for a drinking episode. I just got to go to the bathroom. We can open it up. Taylor, go drink some mouthwash or something.

Go drink some smart mouth. There. Go drink some smart mouth. There's no alcohol in smart mouth. I have. I don't know if I have any alcohol. Cooking wine. Because I was on a vacation last weekend, so I was drinking a bunch, and I wasn't in the. I was hoping we weren't going to do it this week. Vanilla extract.

What happened was this. I don't even know where I heard the rumor of a drinking episode. It was either the subreddit or it was from Kyle directly or something. Maybe whatever it was, I was like, I'm not in. That's right. Kyle mentioned it, and I was like, I don't want to be in. I'm fighting so hard to lose weight and add muscle and stuff like that. I was like, I am not going to ruin myself one of these nights.

But in an effort not to be a total piece of shit, I came prepared for all these like games that might be funny with drunk people and uh i can be drunk in i can give me 30 minutes i will be blacked out it's just we have to we have to set the right i have to go to the bathroom and get some water i bet there's trace alcohol in this LaCroix. You know, I read a tweet. Oh, it's got some bite. I read a tweet. Some fucking, some dude tweeted

that LaCroix tastes like if you were drinking water and somebody in another room yelled a specific flavor out. Like, right! And you were just like, shit. Yeah, it does kind of taste like grapefruit. It is one of those things where like,

if it wasn't labeled on the side, I'd be like, do I taste, do I taste fruit? Yeah, is it? You're like, oh no, it's on the side, I'd be like, do I taste fruit? Yeah. What is that? You're like, oh, no, it's on the can. It's almost a Brian Regan thing. I look and it tells me.

It tells me what to taste. How long would it take you if your life depended on it to get some alcohol, Taylor? 20 minutes. I mean, I'll be plastered by the time you get back. That would be three hours into the show. I mean, I could... Well, let's see what... I'll throw on some pants and go get some alcohol.

I don't think we want to lose Taylor on this show for 20 minutes so that he can... Aaron, no. Yeah, so that the last 30 minutes or so he has the beginnings of... I'm surprised you don't have any emotion any emergency alcohol what do you do when you get the shakes just uh go to the lacroix yeah i don't have anything uh no alcohol right now that's wild i think i've been i think i've been in that scenario once and it was completely i'm like i was shocked i didn't know what to do. So I just delivered

alcohol. I live in LA. It was really nice. That'd be nice. 20 minutes. Rufus would bug anyone that showed up near my house with alcohol. And so that would be Rufus is a homeless gentleman who lives nearby. Oh really? Give me a swig. He doesn't live anywhere, frankly.

Why don't you go ask Rufus for some? Give me a swig of that. I'll come back and we'll have a stab wound episode i mean what what rules or i guess stipulations do we want for our actual drinking episode we all need to be drinking something similar so yeah i think the important thing is that they all be at least be the same percentage of alcohol so everything i drink is 40 alcohol by volume except for like my yeah 80 proof um so like i i really like um this orange liqueur i've been drinking this grand gala it's uh it's fucking delicious um but i've also got some um is is everybody is everybody of so you're you're all similar heft like none no there's not a huge

discrepancy here there's not a manlet among you, right? Yeah, we're... If you all drink together, you're all a dull man. But probably the lightest weight, if that makes sense. Yeah, you probably are. I think Kyle's gonna

drink us both under in this upcoming one. He's been training. I've been training hard yeah and sometimes in the morning and do it two days okay and i forge your head again tucker does that shirt refer to boogie 2899 no uh it's a uh it's a friend of mine who runs a clothing company for specific

not specifically but like does a lot of music stuff I get like Rockhampton who's like a rap collective yeah and then I have gotten a boogie I know you don't that's why I explained it I've gotten a boogie reference before but the more that I wear it I'm like

god damn it it's just a smiley face guys it's my friend's brand like yeah the boogie reference before, but the more that I wear it, I'm like, God damn it. It's just a smiley face, guys. It's my friend's brand. Like, yeah. Okay. Not boogie. All right. Here's a silly topic. The last thing you purchased online, you now have 20,000 of.

How awesome did your life just become? Awesome or awful? I've got 100,000 pounds of whey protein. Holy shit. Let me see. Let me look. What did I last order? thousand pounds of whey protein holy shit let me see let me look what did I last order wow I have a hundred thousand

um uh earplugs for like music I have a hundred thousand of them I have a hundred and twenty thousand vacuum seal bags damn none of these are I think Taylor set up 120,000 vacuum seal bags. Damn.

None of these are... I think Taylor set up... Taylor's got the bulk to open up a protein shop. He said he could do something with it. I don't really know... You got one brand choice, one flavor. You don't like strawberry body forges? Get the fuck out of my store. You have chocolate?

I said get the fuck out. If it was one order before i would have uh 200 000 hand warmers like the kind that like uh like they just they rust yeah you know they last like eight hours i'm going up there we're just gonna put all the hand warmers on the ice with them like what's inside that package it It rusts, right? I don't know. Isn't it like iron oxide or something like that? Yeah. Like when it gets exposed to the air, some sort of magic chemistry.

I just wonder, are they flammable? Can you make a sparkler out of them? I don't know. I bet they say not to try. Yeah. If I was in order before, I would have 600,000 feet of 3M Velcro. Which, if we have 600,000 feet, how many miles is that? I don't know, but it sounds like that's 11, 113 miles of Velcro. Do you know what you could do?

I'm thinking of some sort of zombie apocalypse planning You know like The tough part is getting all the hooks on the zombie But we've got the fuzzy part around the compound No no no It's different It's like 3M on one side So you stick it to your wall

And then it's velcro Like the hooks on the other side So I have a soundproof booth I use it to hang my lighting and shit so i have the the the velcro on the on the soft foam or on the soft uh whatever and then the hooks on the so i have no idea are you living in an apartment in la yeah do you have homeless people outside? Yes, a guy actually shit on my doorstep two months ago, and then I had a homeless

guy that I had to ask to move so I could get into my apartment this morning. It's not that prevalent. When you ask a homeless guy to move, it's not a big inconvenience. They just slide the box. They've got lots of homes. I didn't ask him to relocate his home. That's what moving is.

He was just literally sitting at the door to my apartment complex. I was like, I need to enter to go to my apartment. Can you please relocate five feet to your left? It's not bad. I do want to move. I like it here. It does smell like piss every morning. Do you feel like working in entertainment, LA gives you some advantage?

Cause sometimes people collab. It does. I would say that my value is a lot more in the, um, in the sense that, uh, West coast time is where everybody all media and marketing and a lot of game companies work off of, um, any studios production wise for any commercials etc on the west coast whether it's la or san francisco that's where i'm bouncing back in between um and then i'll like youtube and twitch are san francisco and la exclusive so like

the longest that i ever have i do a lot of day trips where i fly to san francisco in the morning and i fly back to la at night. Like that's really attracted to me versus flying from Maryland where I'd have to spend a day traveling each way or take a red out way back, which sucks. So, um, it's expensive. It's stupid. I hate it. And I don't have to live in LA if I didn't want to, I could live out in North Hollywood or some shit, but I like where I live. Um, but I would never move off the West coast while I did this. Okay. Yeah. Pretty good. So the drinking episode, what are we going to agree on? Because it's got to be something similar.

We could do it this upcoming week. All you have to do is 40% 80 proof so you can get vodka. You can do your alcohol of choice. That's a very normal ABV. And then I've done quite a few of drinking things i know woody hasn't drank in a while but like realistically it's just you gotta pace yourself you're doing four hours i probably would i would probably avoid doing shots for things you know yeah until like well we'd have to make a rule of like all, shots start after three hours or after two hours. Yeah, two hours. You don't want to ruin the show with all of us, you know, falling asleep.

But Chiz is saying, same ABV, and if you do mixed drinks slash cocktails, you make them on camera, which would mean, you know, you have your glass or whatever, and then you pour the shot and put it in there. Oh, is he worried about people cheating? Yes. That's so unfair, because, like, we know Kyle That's so unfair because we know Kyle's not cheating. We know Taylor's not cheating. And by God, if I haven't earned your trust by now, people,

there's hardly been a fucking drinking episode I don't vomit after. We haven't seen the vomit. That's true. Just ask for it because it would be easy to come up with i uh yeah no i i i think i'm just worried i think he's worried that you're gonna come back with a a white russian that's mostly white and uh and you're gonna get all get all tipsy on cream again that again fuck you there's no way i got all tipsy on cream ever i uh i i and my feelings are hurt at this point i have always come through for every drinking episode i i may not drink next episode but i tell you what i won't do i won't lie about

it i'm i'm pretty good that way tell me i would i would i would front load your episode i would i would i would do um drink drink like we have to drink if or when statements, whether you're doing like a 50-50 or do something kind of fucked to get yourself to the point where it's like now it doesn't really matter if we're all going exactly drink for drink.

You know, spend like two hours. That's a bad word. We have to drink. Oh, I'm sorry. just said i said i was prepared did i say that i don't know you did say you were prepared to drink only taylor taylor's the only one not with alcohol i highly recommend 10 minutes i just had to buy him i highly recommend this this is grand gala it is a it's 20 bucks a bottle which is 17 cheaper than grand marnier uh it is an orange liqueur made with uh vsop brandy instead of cognac which is what uh you've

got mixed in the grand marnier sounds really sweet it's sweet yeah it is sweet uh like like and i think that would be woody's preference it does have a little burn uh as it goes down if you like get drunk off of straight. Yeah, I'm just drinking it straight. You know, I just I just put in a glass and I drink it. I don't want to mix this with anything. I have no problem with that. I just like I have I have Hendrix gin, which I love my gin and tonics because I'm an old white woman. And then I have a monkey shoulder, which is like that's pretty good.

And then I have Tito's vodka andodka. I have no problem with vodka. I drink it straight. I drink it in mixed drinks. I don't know why I like vodka, but I love it. It's just great. I don't mind it. It's the most neutral, whatever, kind of hard alcohol for me. I'm fine with tequila too. Tequila, vodka,

I don't really care. I don't like the way gin tastes. Gin tastes gross. Fuck tequila. It is the one I don't really care. I don't like the way gin tastes. Gin tastes gross. Fuck tequila. I can't. It is the one alcohol that I really wish I could get behind because, you know, in SoCal, everything is Margaritaville. Everything is, you know, flamboyant and flashy. And I walk in Vegas and everybody's got these refreshing looking boats of alcohol. And I'm just like, I'll have a vodka and soda.

Thank you. Like, it just hurts me. You know, I want to enjoy it, but I can't, I smell tequila at a bar and I have to like step away. It's bad. And I've never had a bad moment with it. I almost always choose beer when given the option for the same reason I like this stuff so much. I just like carbonated beverages way more.

I carbonation is great. Yeah, I can't drink. Ooh, what is that? Ooh. Oh, have great. What is that? Oh! Have a little bit of that and give us a tasting. Tell us the notes. I can't... That sounds great. I can't do non-carbonated, like Stout's and shit.

My beer needs to be carbonated. I'm getting some vanilla. A lot of oak. That's all I'm really able to detect. And alcohol. Don't drink Glen Libet 18 out of the bottle. Pour it in the glass. This is definitely higher alcohol.

Yeah, this is 86 proof. This was like a $120 bottle. I got this for a potential drinking episode. I've sampled it a bit, I guess. Then next week, I will make sure I have alcohol in the house. Just in case. Where's your guys' guest next week? Actually, I don't know if you want to leak that. I don't know if you want to leak that.

I don't know if you want to leak that. She says the week after. I wonder who's the week after. It's probably Filthy or someone. Filthy is my first guess. Well then, Woody, would you be down for two weeks from now for us

to all do a drinking episode? I don't want to commit on air it'll be fun what i'm thinking to myself is this i should i should buy alcohol so i have the option on game day yeah and all right so you know we're gonna do it then on the wednesday before you're using my fitness pal save yourself like an extra 400 calories or something for like four drinks or whatever and then the day of eat your normal amount so you don't have an empty stomach and the day after just chop off like an extra 400 calories too so that you don't feel like you set yourself behind at all or four or five hundred calories like however much you think you might

drink aggregate yep okay so i do not like strong alcoholic drinks like that sip of glenn libbitt was a little much for me but But this is Grand Gala. Like you can literally. You know, Kyle, that's the second thing you said that I'm going to write down. Grand Gala? No D? Can we get some? Why have you guys not gotten any like, I mean, I know that alcohol sponsors are tough.

Grand Gala. But I know that they're. No D. Oh, Grand. Grand Gala. Kyle, is there something else I need to know? Like, is there more than one Grand Gala. But I know that they're... Oh, Grand. Kyle, is there something else I need to know? Is there more than one Grand Gala? There's only one Grand Gala. I've been watching this YouTuber who does

mixed drinks and blind liquor tastings. And this one, their orange liqueur tasting, it beat Grand Marnier. It beat Curacao. This is $20 a bottle. It's very cheap. A guy at the liquor store recommended it to me when they didn't have grand marnier it it beat curacao uh this is 20 a bottle it's very cheap uh a guy at the liquor store recommended it to me when they didn't have grand marnier and he was like i ship it and i was like well that's kind of what i'm looking forward to something i just you know

putting a rocks glass and sip and i really like it's quite sweet there is a you'll you will taste some alcohol and there is a burn associated with as it goes down. But if you get like an orange Fanta to chase it with, I guess, like especially if you're shooting it, you're all good. I really like it. And it gets you drunk. Orange liqueur. Are there like a bunch of other things or do they just make orange liqueur? There are, as far as I know, they only make orange liqueur.

Orange liqueur. There are a lot of orange liqueurs, though. I threw my bottles away. I had, I was drinking something called Harlequin last week. That's a little harsh. I've heard of it. And Grand Marnier is $37 a bottle. Very beautiful bottle.

And it's cognac instead of VSOP brandy. But I prefer this. I used to drink Grand Marnier. But since I discovered Grand Gala, it's $17 cheaper per bottle. And it's tastier to me. It's sweet. It tastes like orange. It's good. You guys like orange. It's good.

So you guys definitely don't want to do beer then? Beer is a lot of calories, A. And beer is a lot of volume. You're going to be pissing the whole time. And it takes me a while to get drunk on beer. I'd have to drink four or five beers to get drunk. I could do it in two beers, Kyle. Yeah, right?

The pee argument is pretty compelling. We'll be like, oh, new topic, but real quick. I'll do it if we all use pee jugs, because I think that adds a huge... Hard alcohol it is. I'm going to have a catheter going out the window. Dude, honestly, I think that's

hilarious. If we all use pee jugs, I will do beer. I'm not interested in that. I don't want to be holding a big jug of pee drunk. And we compare the size. No, we compare the sizes of our jugs at the end of the show. And the one with the most pee wins. Oh, that's how you do a drinking episode.

There's an area where I think I might win. We're going to be stacking ourselves beforehand, like drinking bottles of Nestle. God, what is this? Really, really clear. It's not. I'm on vitamins. Oh, my God.

It glows in the dark. You guys would be very entertained. We all pick any kind of 80 proof, 40% standard alcohol. It can be tequila. It can be vodka. It can be Kyle's liqueur. No matter what it is, it just has to be that 40% alcohol. And then if we want to do the whole pour it on screen, we can.

We can always do that. I think I'm just going to follow Kyle's lead with that drink. He seems to know what he's talking about. I think that there's so much sugar in this drink that if you look at the rim of the bottle, that's sugar. I know. That's what's bothering me this drink that if you look at the rim of the bottle, that's sugar. I know. That's what's bothering me. That looks like a hangover already. Yeah, but Kyle knows what I like.

I think I'm all right. You hydrate. You hydrate. Now, I will admit, the first glass of this, I kind of shudder a little bit. I'm like, ooh, okay, that was alcohol. But I mean, I'm drunk right now. The second drink is much milder. And by the third, you're just like.

You're just tipping them back, boys. Back when I did drink, that's how I felt about the schnapps. Like I'd have a peach schnapps. And it sounds similar to what you're talking about. Like there's a burn, but you're like, you know what? Actually, I get the peach out of this. Or this one tastes like licorice. I feel all warm inside, all happy.

That hole inside of me that I normally can't fill Seems Full right now Of course, it feels full And warm What are you guys going to plan to do to Fill out, are you just going to go topic by topic And go in, because I feel like

You need a good schedule to ease in You know what We should He wouldn't do it, but what would be awesome is if ChizMC, do you remember how he did episode, might have been 250, and he came with some games and stuff prepared? It would be

cool if he did that. You could just send your list of games and stuff to Chiz, and we could play those. Yeah, I could help him get started. I didn't do a great started so this is so sweet the serrano can go fuck itself oh i like the serrano this is so sweet this is so sweet that like i don't like it like it's that fucking sweet it's a it's it's not a true amaretto from what i've read and i don't even know what that um but but it it's it's like

candy like it tastes like candy it's a little gross it's a little too what the – but it's like candy. Like it tastes like candy. It's a little gross. It's a little too sweet for me. It's like sweet cherry and almonds mixed. Like it smells like candy even. But this is only 28% alcohol by volume, which is 56 proof, of course. It's – I would – oh, why would you swish it?

Because I want to like fully taste it i would i would suggest you you guys should adopt the uh a quiet power hour where you have to take a sip from your drink every minute for an hour now this is usually done with beer and i believe it comes out you're supposed to do a shot of beer every hour i believe it comes out to like six and a half beers like it's a lot of beer at first you're like haha dude, and then like halfway through like oh my fuck But that's that's where I would go with it a power hour is a shot of beat Well, it's not an hour. It's a shot of beer every minute for a hundred minutes And it is we would be pissing our brains out you would die so like too much and no piss jugs no beer

We're not doing we're not doing piss jugs no beer we're not doing we're not doing piss jugs so we're not doing beer i know what the audience it's a shot of beer a minute every minute for an hour it's like six beers in an hour which is a lot very drunk it's quite drunk you're saying too many beers for an hour that's an aggressive we did a different thing back in the day you try to drink you didn't have to do it on the hour, but you had to average 24 beers in 24 hours. Yeah. Okay. Wow, I could easily crush that one.

I can do that. It sounded easy to me until I tried it. It does get really hard. It depends the kind of beer, too. If you're talking Bud Light or Bud Select, that's easy. But if it's one of those double- hopped eight percent ipa lover then then yeah that's gonna be that's who i am and you'll feel like you know death warmed over the next one let me let me let me do it uh an ad read i'm here represent stitch fix don't do this do you want me to read

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know his secret i'm ready that toothbrush and that rinse it's going to make him and look at his shirt it's so fitted that's a guy who can have a family this guy looks like he has a 401k this he's building towards retirement. So, Kyle, with your, I guess, burgeoning alcohol collection, are you trying new things and then being like, Nope, and that's to the back of the cupboard to try something new, like DeSarono and shit? DeSarono was a big mistake.

I wish I hadn't gotten this. Did the review channel like it? Is that why you got it? No, I was just in the store and it sounded like a good idea. It looked good. It's got a cool bottle. This is very heavy glass. I don't know if there's a way to translate that

through video, but this is very, very heavy. Much heavier than even this. I don't know. This is actually a crazy heavy bottle. Like you can see the bottle of the Glenlivet. This is a $120 bottle of scotch here. I got this because Tony Soprano drinks this, and I was like,

I want to drink what Tony Soprano drinks. I want to be Soprano. Right? And I've been learning more and more about scotch. I think I would prefer it with a bit of water. They say that opens up the flavors, and I could definitely use a little bit more flavor profile in there. It's a little bitter. It's a little bitter for me.

Maybe some ice would be nice. Or as Michael Scott said, a little Splenda. A little Splenda. A little Splenda. I've never tried Glenlivet 18. I've had McAllen 18, and that's very good. I've had McAllen 25. Big fan of that. I've got someallan 18, and that's very good. I've had Macallan 25. Big fan of that.

I've got some friends that are really into scotch, and it's expensive, and if someone else is paying for it, I'll certainly drink it. But this was the nicest bottle of scotch at my liquor store, and so I picked this up. Like I said, honestly, Tony Soprano had an effect on me, on my buying decision, and I wanted something kind of, Tony Soprano had an effect on me, uh, on my buying decision. And I wanted something, uh, you know, kind of nice for the show. If we were going to be drinking like straight alcohol or straight shots or something like that, this is kind of nice in a rocks glass with some, definitely with some ice. If you're going to be drinking fancy stuff, just rocks glass.

Like what does that mean? Yeah. Like, uh, this. Yep. Like Mad Men. Exactly. Okay. Yeah.

Like that. Yeah. But, uh, yeah. Exactly. Okay. Yeah, like that. Yeah. But, yeah, if we're going to be doing that, then I need to get something fancy, too. I have something fancy. We have rocks glasses and something, some sort of decanter that would be perfect for this. Some sort of decanter? You know, what I'm kind of interested in right now is absinthe. So the idea that. It's like licorice. I like licorice. It's is absinthe. So the idea that –

It's like licorice. It's black licorice. It's ass. Dude, I love Jägermeister. I love Jägermeister. So I can drink that straight like it's soda. So gross. Like literally I would – like Jäger bombs are just tasty to me and delicious candy.

are just tasty to me and delicious candy. But I was, you know, there was this, what happened was a lot of wine companies got together and hired some legal representation to badmouth the Absinthe brands, various brands. And they put forward this idea that the wormwood content in it was hallucinogenic as well as poisonous and that it should be banned. So they literally banned absinthe in the United States. It was only unbanned in 2007.

But in reality, the way you drink absinthe, the way you prepare an absinthe cocktail is pretty interesting. It comes with a spoon. It doesn't even look like a spoon. It comes with this weird like cake knife type thing in the box and use a very special glass for absinthe basically you you pour yourself like two ounces of absinthe you put a sugar cube on top of this piece of metal over the glass and you drip cold water ice cold water through the sugar cube adding sort of a sugar sugary water uh mixture to it like three ounces of the water to an ounce of the absinthe and it changes colors when you do this. It changes from a clear to like a pale green because of, from what I understand, because

of the oils and the plant matter that's within the absinthe, it turns green. And it's a very strong drink. It's like a hundred, it's like a, or sorry, it's like 160 proof, right? It's up there. It's not 160 proof, but it's it's like a hundred it's like uh or sorry it's like 160 proof right it's it's up there it's not 160 proof but it's way up there it's like 140 proof i think it's like 70 alcohol or something yeah it's very strong um from what i understand it it's it's you know it's a strong it's a strong fucking drink that's probably not what we want to do here but i'm kind of interested in it i'm thinking about getting some i also like sambuca you know i i like those weird tasting alcohols like when i go to an italian kind of syrupy yeah it is i don't mind

that this is honestly like like i i'm recommending this to woody because it's kind of syrupy like like i i mentioned it before but you can see the man look at the show it's just that about like i i am very much on the um it needs to be clean and and it just needs to go down and I need to be like, yes, this is alcohol and that's fine. Maybe that's why I like vodka and gin so much. I can't do Tito's. There you go. I always just go Tito's. Huge fan of Tito's Vodka.

It's made in Austin. I found it first time in Chicago like six years ago. The guy that I was hanging out with, his friend owns a big portion of Tito's Vodka. He was like, look, my friend owns this company. They just started out. It's his handmade – maybe it's organic. I don't know. It's his handmade vodka that they're making.

It's fucking delicious. It's just great vodka. It's very good vodka. It's pretty reasonably priced. It is. It's like – it's in the middle between you got your Grey Go goose and your belvedere which i'm not a huge fan of it is what it is but it's kind of like uh the but the i mean if you don't want to go that far it's like 30 for a handle new amsterdam is like 19 for a handle and this it is great like good budget vodka

that's not going to kill you. Put it in the freezer. If you're of newly drinking age, that way you can handle it and you're not going to kill yourself. It's great. I'm trying to find the vodka that I prefer. I like Patron Silver or like any kind of clear tequila. I don't like the gold kind. The gold kind is gross. So what you want to do whenever you're buying a tequila is you want to make sure it's 100 agave yeah which means that it's actually 100 tequila the reason that so many

people are turned off by tequila is because they start off with it with jose jose cuervo right and jose cuervo is only 51 tequila it's 49 grain alcohol you're getting blasted on grain alcohol when you drink that stuff that's why God. That'll make my butt bites. Exactly. That's why you get a headache. That's why you get these blackout memory loss sessions. Also abusing it, drinking too much of it, of course. But I like Don Julio.

1800's okay. Don Julio's all right. If I'm going to drink it, that's what I prefer. I can't stand that entire entire market sorry or jose cuervo especial like that one is 100 agave tequila like and you will taste the difference immediately if you drink a an act it's literally the difference between drinking tequila and drinking not tequila like so so just enough to be legally you could label it this is not like um this is not like champagne being like no you can't call it champagne because the grapes aren't from france this is label it this is not like um this is not like champagne being like no you

can't call it champagne because of grapes art from france this is like it's like a huge difference between what you're getting what you're drinking sparkling wine tastes like fucking champagne don't let anybody tell you otherwise but to me it does yeah but this oh yeah don't drink just regular seven dollar a bottle off the rack jose cuervo get Get Jose Cuervo Especial. It has to say 100% agave on the bottle, or don't drink it. And it's delicious. I love tequila. Just don't drink it. There's like four brands, or five, I bet there's a ton more brands,

but between, you know, that shitty, barely legally tequila and Patron, which I haven't bought Patron in a long time, but I know it's expensive. It's because of the marketing. You can get better tequilas for cheaper. Did I? Sorry, I feel like this is relevant.

Was I on the show last when I talked about, oh, my God, no, I'm going to forget his name. There's an actor, and I swear to God, there's an actor that just sold his tequila business for a billion dollars. Ocean's 11. Ocean's very, very prominent. One of the main guys. Clooney. George Clooney's tequila brand just got sold for literally like a billion dollars.

He's one of the, and there was like a list of market growth for alcohol. And tequila is so far above the next three that it's disgusting. It's like tequila, vodka wine beer it's like unbelievable uh and yeah i was so shocked to find that tequila was such a market share and was growing so fast tequila is the wave everybody's gonna drink tequila um this is my this is my favorite tequila this is cabo wabo i've seen this in the bars yeah okay's good tequila. It's $35 a bottle.

Damn, that's expensive. I accidentally clicked under $21. It brought me to their soda shop. That's funny. Is there a law that if you make tequila, you have to have a wood stopper and font that looks like it came off of the first font site you found? Yeah, some of those sparkly Mexican skull heads. Right and then it has to be tin foil around the bottle it's like you know

you look at like a like a gin or a vodka like vodka is very like european and gin seems to be like well put together hipster stuff and then tequila is just like i found this font for 12 dollars here we go yeah Yeah. I, um, I don't know. Just wants to know your favorite kind of Hendrix. I do like Bombay Sapphire. It's good. Um,

I, I like Hendrix a lot just cause again, my, my, my liquor, um, shelf is also an aesthetic shelf. It's next to like my clock and shit. So I want to have as stupid as it sounds.

You'll understand kids. I want to have like good looking bottles up there. So Hendrix has have as stupid as it sounds. You'll understand kids. I want to have like good looking bottles up there. So Hendrix has that nice, like black bottles. It looks interesting. It's visually appealing. Yeah. That's what we go with.

The only kind of gin I know of is bee feeder. And that is a pretty cool bottle. Bee feeder is also good. Yeah. You know, the, the British like soldier or whatever marching around, I think.

Yeah. You can, uh, we could get our own, uh, spirits made. There's a, they're all pretty many, many of the spirits are made in the same distillery, Missouri or somewhere like that. Like, like you can go through their laundry list of mixes and you can like combine, you can be like, ah, well I want the, I want an agent cherry and I want you to combine it with, uh, this, this other whiskey and, uh,

I want you to call it PKA whiskey and other whiskey and i want you to call it pka whiskey and they'll just do it and they'll bottle it up for you that sounds like a limited run thing is uh both accessible to you guys i've i've looked into it i wanted to do a limited run with a beer um just like a 300 500 bottle thing which is super easy for a major uh independent distillery to do but it's something you guys should look into because you can brand it yourself you can you can do taste testings you can find the thing that you want to do but yeah it's it's dope it's a it's a good idea yeah what chis is saying there's kind of funny i was also looking recently at how to make mead uh which is honey alcohol you. You mix honey, water, and yeast

and you wait, basically, a couple weeks, and you get booze. The longer you wait, the more the alcohol taste mellows out, apparently. You get less of an ethanol and more of a honey liquor. I found that kind of interesting. You can do that with anything, though. You add

brewer's yeast to any fruit juice and sugar, and you make alcohol. Have you guys ever brewed your own alcohol? I brewed my own beer for a video. It was a terrible decision. Wait, what about Kyle's best effort? Well, that wasn't brewing. That was mixing grain alcohol with sugar and, you know, apple cider and stuff.

I'm talking like real brewing. No, I've never tried have you it was yeah i did it for a video um it was a expensive long messy process that i'm sure could be refined over time for an adult that yielded some really terrible beers that got me very drunk when i so like it was it was just like one of those things i was like i'm glad i did it i will never do this again but it was a nice experience that took two months to make, but it was, it was cool. Like seeing the whole process. I think I would be down to try brewing or not brewing, but, um, uh, doing, making like a vodka or distilling some sort of real alcohol versus a

beer. Have you ever had, have you ever had really high proof beer yes it's not good no it's great wait wait hold on my favorite one of my favorite beers i'm not gonna say my favorite my one of my favorite beers is dogfish head 120 minute ipa it is a uh 18 percent alcohol volume beer it is uh delaware brewing company and now I know you're like, oh, my God. It is really, really smooth, really good. The 90-minute is accessible pretty much anywhere in the U.S., and it's my favorite beer. Does that mean something, 90-minute, 120-minute beer? It's how long you're actually moving the hops around in it. Probably wrong in that regard, because you have to boil um your your mix

so it's just a longer yeah your mash so it's just a longer process but i mean dude i used to live with lithuanian guys and they drank lithuanian russian beers and oftentimes they're 10 to 15 percent alcohol by volume and they come in these like liter bottles, glass bottles. They're literally like, this is your night. Here you go. Yeah, this is your night. And they would drink two or three a night. And I was just super lightweight.

And I remember my friend, it's, taste it, Kyle. It tastes like caramel. Do you taste the caramel? And I'm just like, look, look, look. No, no, I taste taste bitter i taste bitter and burn drinking bees and it became like a catchphrase around our apartment kyle finish your beer

because i would never finish one there would always be like a third of it left and it had gotten all warm from like the ambient heat from my hand like going through the bottle. And meanwhile, they'd be on their second one. Oh, those were terrible. I was not a fan of that. If you get higher than like 8 or 9% on beer, I think it just gets kind of gross. This is why I like 90 minutes. Drink wine.

Just drink wine. Dude, wine is awful. What? I never drink wine. I don't like wine. I've gotten into wine recently wait we've talked about this solely because of my meat and cheese addiction yeah you have to pair it you have to pair it with a food i got this aged white cheddar what am i gonna drink with it oh the wine that i don't like but i'm gonna love with this it's like oh my god yeah sierra nevada bigfoot's not bad as well yeah i can drink like a dry uh red if i've got

like a like a delicious salty juicy steak or something that bothers me so much the website pops up with a um with the exact date that you are required to uh be born by in order to enter and it says confirm you were born before this date it was 97 right i was like i clicked on it was like oh shit wait a minute. I remember 97. That's when Clinton was in trouble. I remember that shit. March of 97. I'd just beaten Pokemon Blue.

Really, it's just like, what the fuck? We were discussing the stained dress that day. Fuck. Weird. Being an adult is wild. What's up with you woody uh i've been an adult for a long time i know i mean what he was thinking that when he was like 1980 i was thinking about 97 too i was like god i don't know i was i graduated high school in 91

so 97 i was like i probably had no i didn't you graduated high school in 91, so 97. I was like, no, I didn't. You graduated high school exactly 20 years before I did. Hmm. That made you 25. Wow, that's so zany how that works. Yeah. Wow. So we're settled.

All the same hard alcohol. We're not doing beer because we're not abiding by the piss chug i will i will i will obtain the alcohol i do think that there needs to drink a log on saturday not on the show i do think that we need to have a um and i oh i didn't realize it was yeah i guess i'm jumping in to the drinking episode because it was unfilled. Oh, I didn't understand that. That's the case. You're the guy two weeks in now?

I didn't either. I just... Yeah, Chiz says I'm confirmed. All right. I'll come on in two more weeks. Look, I think since it's a drinking episode, maybe we add, you know, a fifth person, right?

We're all going to be drunk. We're going to be fucked up. It's going to be incoherent garbage. It should be Chiz or Wings. It should be Chiz. Wait, Wings is going to be drunk. We're going to be fucked up. It's going to be incoherent garbage. It should be Chiz or Wings. It should be Chiz. Wings is going to fake drink. He's not invited to the drinking episode. It shouldn't be Wings because then the whole episode

is about Wings being Wings. It should be... My daddy drank and now I can't. My grandfather died of cirrhosis of the liver. My other one's an abusive alcoholic. Don't be a pussy. It's for the show. I think somebody... That's one way to go about it.

Yeah, like, I mean, I think four might be sufficient. And having Chiz as kind of the arbiter. Chiz wrote, Chiz wrote, if Wings is on, then remember Taylor and Lefty? It'd be like that, except Kyle and Wings is on, then remember Taylor and Lefty? It'd be like that, except Kyle and Wings.

Taylor, you know this, so I'm sort of saying it at you rather than to you, but I go back and I watch the drunk Taylor episode. 141, I know it. All the time. That's scary that you know your episode. Only one of them. I was at my girlfriend's house, and the internet was's i was at my girlfriend's house and the internet was just not working it was going out rapidly i'd get on i'd be up for three minutes to be all

fuzzy so i was just like ah sorry guys i i can't do it this week i'm so sorry and internet just wasn't working but we'd still sat down and watched the show because i believe it was a live episode i think it might have been i i don't remember was at Lozon's place but in any case it was fucking hilarious because Taylor had been drinking all day he was drunk when he got the call to ask if he wanted to be on P he was like I guess

I mean I can't go anywhere at this point so might as well I mean be right here on this couch anyway yelling nonsense so might as well. I mean, be right here on this couch anyway, yelling nonsense. Might as well turn the camera on. Why not? And just shredded Lefty to a pulp. And Lefty took it well, I thought.

He did. He was very kind about it. I felt really bad the next day when I was like, oh, no. Oh, I was a real cunt. You messaged me the next day i think you texted me maybe and you were like that is literally the drunkest i've ever been yeah it's because this poor guy like every uh or like you know i i was drinking with friends and whatnot throughout the day day drinking and then you got on after a day yeah and so and it was a drinking episode and so i was like you know if i was like three drinks but

less than what i was when woody texted me it would have been like this isn't a good idea but it was like i may as well keep this rolling you know and then yeah i was just i was super rude and unpleasant to to lefty yeah you know what you are you're a faggot that's what you said lefty would talk right and you'd get going for like 10 seconds and taylor's like shut the fuck up fucking faggot oh my god you are such a cunt and lefty was he was really pretty professional i'm gonna replace you and do like three times the job you did and i can walk i'm about it this is this is really we're really getting up to that point, guys. My favorite line, I forget. I suggested we do a drinking episode.

And there's two now. Taylor's like, Woody, every episode I'm on is a drinking episode. It was great. And then I think I described Taylor as like a little bit drunk or something. And he's like, Woody, you're so adorable. A little bit. I was tanked yeah yeah total wasted yeah that was that was regrettable i lefty really did handle that very as well as anyone could have been expected to because i was i was absolutely just just vicious and mean it sounded like you believed some of it right like it sounded like there were

you know how sometimes the truth can come out when you're drunk i think there were aspects of you didn't like that he had the spot or and that that's possible it could have been like some of that mixed in i think probably a lot of it also is when you're that drunk and being boisterous and you say something outrageous and you get a laugh you're like i found the button for this evening i'm emboldened by this i'm all out of brain waves and ideas i found something i could hit you know and just do that okay to be fair no i was gonna say to be fair the last episode I was on I went and re-watched it I was like oh my god I had just gotten a care package from Razer

where they gave me a bottle of mead 13% alcohol by volume beer and I was just sitting there drinking everybody's very sober by the end of the episode I'm just screaming at the top of my lungs like stop 1% I just watched back I was like oh my god yo we gotta really like reel

this one back in next time but yeah see well then this upcoming drinking episode will hopefully have no screaming at one another oh no I'm going to yell at you oh I'm letting loose I've been holding back for far too long I'm gonna get out

the other thing was you did you streamed that episode that That was so unnecessary. It was just, it was scary for me. There was a lot of like, I was in my home turf. I was like, I'm not sure where I can go with this. We're making like, like jokes

that Twitch would ban me for, but it's not my channel. So I'm just laughing along. Is that okay? What are those notes of? Kyle was shown his feet. At two hours and 40 minutes, we're going to have the airing of grievances. These are my grievances. These are the things I hate about you people.

And instead of saying them here, I just write them down. I usually tear them up, and I let go of my anger that way. But I'm going to let it all fly. We really should. This page is you. This page is you. No, I just have one page. No.

The rest are chis. Well, this will be fun. I'm glad Tucker's going to be on for that. Yeah, I figured. I was like, hey, if there's a spot open. Are you still at the drink on Twitch or is that shit gone but this is not sharia law or whatever the fuck it is i don't know where i got that yeah you can drink i can say fuck my viewers i hate them all like there's no nothing changed the only thing that changed is they were clarifying that like you still can't be a douche like don't

show your feet right you still can't show your bare feet do we want to talk about it do we want to talk about the thing that happened what happened i'm super interested now the feet thing yeah you have to tell me because now i'm like invested wings so people are always trolling wings right they're trying to get him to like slip up fuck up and they were like wings show your feet We want to see your lymphedema, which is apparently a swelling of his feet because he's... So they know that he has a condition with his feet, and they're expressing

curiosity in it to get him to show them. Bro, he whips out that foot, and it's not all sexy like mine is here. You've got some good mobility there. You've got some good foot mobility. I call that pedicsterity. Yeah, that's actually pretty clever. She's found some good mobility. I call that pedicsterity. Yeah, that's actually pretty clever.

I can shoot a pedicsterity. I'm going to watch this link. All right, we need to watch it and sing. All right, it's two minutes. Can we, hold on. Can I, can I, can I speak? I think we could skip to 30 seconds. No, you need the very first second of the video

because then you don't get the fart. Okay. Jesus, I don't know what's coming. Are we ready? Yes. Three, two, one, play. Yeah! Is that a Wings-related fart?

I get random dick pics, too. I'm just trying to interact with my phone. I'm not trying to, like, I don't know what to do. I've become a dick connoisseur at this point in my life. This is funny. Can I show you my feet? I guess. I mean, like, it's kind of hard for me to like get my feet.

I've seen this. I'm just saying I've learned that from you. Took his sock off. Wow, this is a fucking process. By the time he's done with this maneuver, he's out of breath. Look at that. Look at that! LOOK AT THAT!

Would you let a girl suck on your toes, Chris? Look at that big toe. That toenail was that fucking long. My feet are in bad shape, man, right now, so probably not. Just cut your toenails! I didn't even notice the toenail was long. Oh. I doubt showing your feet is banned on Twitch.

Daggers. Yeah. How's that? How's feet against TOS? It's against TOS. Yeah. See, they trolled him into showing his feet because they wanted to report him.

Yeah, but he should know that he's probably not actually in danger. Tucker, you're an expert. If the Twitch mod is out there, they're asking to see the edemia on my feet, not the sexual way. In my experience, it's humans who make these decisions

and they know the difference. Are we talking over? Are we ending the video? I don't know. I'm still playing. What's your sweet cola and Pepsi? Well, they have two different tastes. Coca-Cola is a little less sweet. Pepsi is more sweet.

So like Pepsi, if you drink it for a while, Pepsi tends to get, you lose the taste of it because your taste buds become overwhelmed. Whereas Coke is smoother. His taste buds got overwhelmed in 1992. Never recovered. is smoother his taste buds got overwhelmed in 1992 never recovered should we pause it or is i think it's i think i think we're done yeah it's done um yeah so yeah i'm asking you tucker it's against terms of service or tos of Service. But I've always found the Twitch mods to be humans who make judgment calls, not algorithms who screw things up.

For better or for worse, people want, and this goes to Reddit or Twitter, people want Twitch to simultaneously be a robot that uniformly enforces rules without context, as well as humans that enforce rules with context wings should never receive any problem for that right of course not no you won't right there was nothing wrong with that no but people just as quickly go and say hey this guy showed his feet too and got banned why the fuck so it's like a very vocal uh group on either side saying actually i think it's the same group they just want to fuck everything up you know they're just the group that wants uh twitch to apply a very clear set of rules uniformly across women and men because that's

their whole platform and then the fact that nobody should ever be doing a uniform ban on feet showing just because like i've shown my feet on stream um recently like as in a year ago but like it wasn't it wasn't intentionally suggestive to be like hey look at my feet you can beat off to these it was like i'm my feet are in the shot okay like that's the case so uh you know it is what it is. They weren't the focal point. People weren't, you know, donating like, oh, he's going to show his toes. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Why would he get? I kind of like the way Twitch does it.

I do, too. But, I mean, you could go both ways. I like the way Twitch does it because it's humans doing it. And they have the right to say well in context this is not bad but at the same time that leaves it open towards abuse like a human could also say well fuck that i have preferences i mean it's a double-edged sword right yeah sometimes they feel like dr disrespect gets away with things that other people can't because he's such a big shot and i don't know if that's true or not um oh yeah here's the thing so tucker's smart to stay quiet right now because i think twitch

wisely enforces things even if it happens off platform you know like it so what terms of service have explicitly stated that you can be banned for off-stream um interactions whether it's disparaging another broadcaster or doing things that may bring negative attention to twitch which i like no no no i don't think i i like that a lot you shouldn't be a twitch streamer and then use your youtube and twitter platform to break all the tos but so long as you're fine while you're live streaming there's no trouble no like you can't cause beef and create problems for twitch just by doing it somewhere else like here's the way that i view it from like a a professional platform twitch is a school right

where you can do things within the confines of the rules at school but if you go and stab somebody outside of school and there are consequence there are consequences for that like the school may think that you're a threat to the safety. You're not allowed to go here anymore. I mean, this is such an absurd example. But I'm just trying to state that I am okay with Twitch denying people the ability to make money on their platform solely based on the fact that they have a history of negligence and disregarding rule sets on other websites. That seems like a smart business decision as well as a smart PR decision. If Alex Jones was like, I'm streaming on Twitch now, Twitch is going to be like, no, you're not allowed to make money on our site. Right. Like that. That seems reasonable. So I'm not against it. It's just the only people that are against are the ones that are continuously towing the line, which I also sympathize with them, because at the end of the day, it's just the platform exercising its rights to say no,

but it sucks when you get banned or you get punished for something that happened completely outside of the jurisdiction of the website. Yeah, if I start shit with someone on another platform constantly, then Twitch should be able to say... That also won't get you banned, by the way. Starting shit with someone? able to say that also won't get you banned by the way starting i am i am very confident and this is this is a personal uh expression of opinion i'm very confident that if i said uh fuck jake paul who is now trying to stream on twitch he's a garbage human he's a menace to society all this stuff and you publish this video and then somebody clips it and sends it to twitch i will not get punishment for it because there's nothing really terrible about that.

They're trying to lock down on the incredibly extremes, right? Like the people that are going out of their way to harass somebody on Twitter and Facebook, right? They're trying to like really push. They're trying to lock down the extremes and keep the normalcy there. So I don't think that anybody who's a decent human is going to have problems. It's just solely those people out there. Does that make sense?

Yeah. And also, I saw what you said, but he actually didn't. Oh, that's his story. Yeah. I mean, they're different. Like, you guys had Ice on the show. If I streamed with Ice Poseidon on my channel, my channel would get banned because ice is a for better or for worse. Like he is not allowed to appear on streams on Twitch.

I think that's a stupid rule, but that is a rule there. That seems to be more in line with like the negativity that i see with these rule changes not that this was ever a rule that wasn't enforced in the past i feel like there's a lot of people that have been banned preemptively but uh it does you know am i crazy i thought ice's ban was like set to expire like he could come back if he wanted to i don't know i they the way they treated him at twitchcom uh the last year probably not ever gonna let him back on the platform they banned him from streaming from uh the actual show floor specifically because in his words he was not streaming on twitch he was streaming on

youtube a different platform which is shit but uh look amazon isn't people like to call out twitch for like being this sjW company from San Francisco but in reality it's a normal corporate environment that Amazon has taken over like it there's go anywhere else and you're gonna have the same level of rule enforcement in the real world okay all right I know nothing about Twitch. I'll go with this. We'll see where it goes. What's something embarrassing that you're willing to admit?

Man, see, now I have to separate my embarrassing moments from the ones I'm willing to admit. Right. I have a... I shit outdoors at the Botanical Gardens when I was 17 on a school field trip. There's a really nice Botanical Gardens here. All right, well done. This is it.

This is the one. So basically the tale was... I think I've told this on here before. If it was, it was a long, long while ago. So we were on this field trip and it was like me and you know you're walking around it wasn't very structured it was kind of like you know an end of the year kind of thing of like i just enjoy whatever shows and what's going on walk around with your friends talk chat enjoy the the pretty summer weather and i was walking around with a bunch of my friends and i was like i just got that like gurgling in my stomach of like oh man i got to shit right now right now like i didn't get like the warm-up you know yeah colon prod where it was

like a little like no it was just straight like i'm gonna shit my pants i don't get this taken care of and so like i saw one of those gazebos or whatever that usually has bathrooms in there and and i i like uh clinched butt jog it over there and they're both out of order both of them are out of order they're they're like the doors to the point that like the doors are open because if it was just out of order and the doors were closed and everything and it wasn't stuck open i would have went in there and just dropped a shit and like left like an i'm sorry note to whoever i would have to clean that up but i was like written in shit and so like i written in shit and then and so i was running written in shit and so like i written in shit and then

and so i was running around like looking for somewhere like desperately like there was no other gazebo there was nothing like it and this gurgling is happening it's not like i can i can muscle it down like no this is going to happen and so i see a giant willow tree you know where all of the willow branches are hanging down enough that it kind of provides you a curtain inside the willow tree and so i was like this is happening this is gonna happen right now I'm gonna shit my pants I'm gonna have shit run down my leg and so I run into the cover of the willow and I get right next to that tree and I just fire out a shit as fast as I can and then like after I've shit I'm like I'm well

no here's that. I was like, oh, I don't have anything to wipe with because I don't carry toilet paper around. I'm not weird because I shit under a willow tree. And so shit there and then like stepped out of my shoes, took my socks off and then like put my socks, my sock over my hand and use that as a wiping apparatus. And then just like pull it inside out and toss that to the side, use my other sock because it was a, it was a two sock wiper. And so then I take both of my socks. I just leave them there next to this pile of shit under a willow tree,

put my shoes back on with no socks and just walk out and then do the thing where I try and put my distance between myself and the crime to where like you know i put my head through the curtain the nature's curtain and i kind of like quick jog over somewhere else and then try and reconvene with friends like oh hey you see that guy shitting under the willow tree looked a lot like me huh that didn't say that but but yeah that that's something embarrassing i'm going to i had a similar thing happen to me like two years ago. Are we all going to go into this? So I'm flying my paramotor and I'm in this Icarus race, right?

And in the first leg, during the first leg, unavoidably, I pooped myself a little bit. You know, just a fart that I should not have trusted. You know, that's short. And this is a problem, i'm i'm in the race and i um at this point i'm only like 80 sure that i have a problem right turns out i run out of gas on this leg i land in the middle of a cow field right and i'm just all by myself alone in the middle of a field a good like two miles from uh from the nearest road so i'm like i check it out and indeed my underwear has signs of poop right we have a problem here now i thought this was a great move sacrificial underwear right now my underwear is my toilet paper and uh so i i i poop in the field right

with all the other cow patties and i leave my underwear right there next to it i don't know like it's a gift for some farmer yeah and uh but then this was my brilliant move i have a paramotor and a wing and there's so much to carry that i decided to make two trips and i move it like 50 yards away from the underwear and poop that is mine and uh on the way back there was like somebody came with me like i was flying with this woman and like we go to get either the i guess it was the wing i don't know and it the whole time it's just like don't look over there don't look over it's only like 150 feet away a pile of poop and the underwear says woody and my boxers and i'm just like oh yeah all right so i gotta let's start walking back you know let's face it the other direction and uh and i got away it

was the perfect crime well done you gotta think you gotta think fast when the poop's coming out yeah i feel like i feel like they're like we're on the topic of poop. So I really can't think of anything that I'm like, oh, my God, that was super embarrassing. But when I was in seventh grade or sixth grade, I believe. No, I think it was seventh grade. I was in French class and I trusted something that shouldn't have been trusted, but it was silent. So like only I had known the mistakes that I had made. Right.

Like I'm sitting in my own shit and you know, you get that waft and you're like, soon everybody will understand. Like soon the world will know that it was me. So I'm like, Hey, Mr. Gilmore, can I go to the bathroom? He's like, yeah, I like get up and Imore can i go to the bathroom he's like yeah i like get up and i walk away go to the bathroom hold on my pants i'm like oh shit like yeah definitely definitely should have done that go to the bathroom everything's fine now i'm left with the soiled pair of underwear in my middle school the class had let out so like we're in between periods there's just everybody's walking i have to get to my next class or else I have to be like, yo, I was in the bathroom. I'm sorry. Walk in late.

So seventh grade Tucker hung his boxers on the coat hook on the back of the stall thinking, well, who would ever be so bold to do such a thing? Let's just hang it there and just walk away. Like, if you throw it in the garbage can, maybe people will be like, oh, this guy's trying to hide it. So I just fucking put my

underwear up on the back of the stall door, shut it, and walked away. Go to the bathroom, all this stuff. But you weren't trying... They can't discover my mischievousness. No, no. It was just it was it was just that that people would never like expect me the quiet kid to hang his underwear loud and proud shit stained on the back of the stall door and it was also we had halls so it was like eighth

grade hall at the top seventh in the middle and the bottom was sixth grade i was in seventh grade i'm getting on the sixth grade door. Next day rolls around, nothing happens. I'm like, oh my God, I was safe. A full week goes by and then we have assembly. Last but not least, we need to remind students that if you have an accident, you should throw

your underwear in the trash. You should not hang it on the back of the stall door. Everybody starts laughing. I'm cracking up too because I'm like, that's my shit but nobody knows. Everybody's trying to figure out who it was and I swear to God they pinned it on some poor kid

in 6th grade and I did nothing to stand up to him. And he was the shit kid. And I just sat here and I was like, you're the real shit kid. I'm the shit kid. But yeah sat here and i was like you're the real shit kid i'm the shit kid but yeah seventh grade was rough but yeah i just i hung i don't know it would have been so much easier to throw in the trash and put paper towels over it but me i was just like let me just hang it up here and run away wait oh my god speaking of shit i just remembered i was at my

friend's housewarming party two weeks ago um it was like a day drinking thing from 1 to 9 p.m and i swear to god this is outstanding and um i show up at like 7 p.m it's like a comfortable amount of people everybody's comfortably drunk this is a esports event so there's a lot of esports professionals red bull uh riot games etc and i go to the bathroom there's somebody in there like i open the door and there's uh riot games etc and i go to the bathroom there's somebody in there like i open the door and there's a girl peeing and i was like okay lock the door i'm sorry that i walked in on you and i stand by and you know she comes out i'm in a conversation a couple other people go in and then i go in and i open the door and it's raining out in la for rarity

i open the door i'm like jesus somebody tracked so much mud into this room and it's raining out in LA for rarity. I opened the door. I'm like, Jesus, somebody tracked so much mud into this room. Like it's like, like the whole floor looks like, like, like mud water, right.

And there's shoe prints and everything. So like I stand really far away and pee into the toilet on the left side. I'm like, okay, whatever. And I hear a knock on the door. I'm like, yes,

I'm in the bathroom and somebody, and then my friend whose house it is goes, somebody shit on my fucking floor. Is it on the door I'm like yes I'm in the bathroom and somebody and then my friend whose house it is goes somebody shit on my fucking floor is it you and I was like no and then I wait and I go is this shit and he goes yeah and I'm like oh

god so I like yeah flush the toilet put my dick in open the door I'm like this is shit this is not like mud cause it didn't really smell bad because the fan was on. No, it was shit. So I helped clean out this, the bathroom floor. It's a nice house. Hovered in shit.

Like, like it, like there's, there's droplets from the toilet. Like, how could I have not seen this? There's droplets from the toilet. Like somebody shit. And it was a mistake. And they started running and it followed them. And I was like, oh my God, this is terrible. So I'm like, we're mid cleaning up and I go, okay, we just have to confirm because there's a bunch of dogs that are in this house that we have to confirm.

Is it a dog that shit here or what? We open up the trash can and there's a pair of pink underwear in there. And I'm like, there is a female in this home that has shit on your floor and is probably still here. I have to go. I have to go. Probably still here. It's like a scary movie. It's like, someone killed Diane.

And they're still here. Bro. Dude, all you have to do is find the girl not wearing underwear. All right, everybody. Bottoms off. We're going to find the shit man so i tweet and i'm like it's not even 7 30 p.m and somebody shit on my friend's floor we have like big speakers and a microphone because it's like a house party i'm like bro we i like you have to let me on the

speakers i have to ask like who's shit on the floor he starts for you guys like you can't like all my bosses are here all All their girlfriends are here. Like, what if it's my boss's girlfriend's shit on the floor? And, like, my boss goes home and finds out that I publicly humiliated his girlfriend. So we just zip it up. I cleaned up somebody else's shit on somebody else's floor. But you know it was that girl. That girl.

It was a girl. There were multiple women. But not the one that was there that you walked in on. No, there were other people that came in while I was in my conversation. I assume that it was that girl, but I also wasn't paying attention. I was drinking. There was somebody in the five people or so that went in there that shit on that floor. My biggest worry here is they shit and there was a clear leaking pattern towards the door.

So they like shit took their underwear off threw it threw it away shit and then like leaked on the way out so i'm like you have to have a skirt you have no underwear this narrows it down there were like four girls with skirts the girl that was shitting also had a skirt i think it was her still and i swear to god everybody else who went in there because she had the fan on and there was like it smelled like soap was probably like it's just mud from the rain because it was raining really hard why would you get so freaked out by a poop be like i gotta get out of here like no it's like no you're in the right place i'm just saying like yeah like you think she was on the way there there were towels there i thought to

myself like if i were in your position and i shit would shit, wipe all the poop up with the towel, put it underneath the sink and run away. I would hide it like a fucking murder. Like, what the fuck? Who leaves the floor covered in shit? Like, what if you exit and there's a dude there or anybody standing there waiting for you to go to the bathroom? Like, how do you pass that off? Oh, somebody drug mud in there. Stinky mud.

Dude, what a weird. It's got corn in it. Yeah, it was too weird. I completely forgot about that. I blacked it out. That's hilarious. I can't. I don't want to ever remember that.

That was terrible. That's great. Kyle, do you have an embarrassing poop story to add? I've already told mine, right? Like, I've only got the one, you know. So I really don't have a bunch. I'm usually able to handle my business, you know. Poop in the morning i really don't have a bunch i'm usually able to to handle my business you know poop in the morning and you don't have to you have some sort of

scarier who uh who like keep track of how long it's been since they poop themselves they're very friends do you have oh yeah yeah yeah he had that thing yeah yeah he knew every time he'd shit himself yeah it was really it was pretty funny yeah and it wasn't high numbers it's like oh it's been 21 days now yeah just a terrible diet yeah just had to shit so bad and i get in a taxi and i'm just like oh yeah take me to 21st street now and he's like like just as he's at the part where they park he's about to pay he just dumps a full load in his underwear right there and he's like like just as he's at the part where they park he's about to pay he just dumps a full load in his underwear right there and he's like oh no rush now no rush now i'm just done i really don't remember the last time i shit myself like in my head the last time was when i was sick with the flu and like there was and i was in my

car my my mom was driving me home from someplace and like I was like mom I have to throw up out the window so I threw out the window but like you can't control yourself when you're puking so I was leaking out both ends oh that's terrible and the worst part is she has to drive me home 20 minutes while I'm wallowing in my own shit. Just like leather seats. At least it's not cloth. I'm sorry, Mom. Yeah, at least it's not cloth. But I was crying.

I'm like 17 years old. I'm so sorry we all have to go through this, including me. Some friends of mine were very into poop-related antics. And it was a snow day once, like earlier in high school. But one of us had our license and his mom had like a suburban or a yukon one of those big tahoe kind of cars and so we were all driving around in there and this guy drew was like i gotta take a shit so bad and you know people have been drinking and whatnot and it was like just do it out the window and it wasn't like we were on a back country road somewhere you know off the grid we were on

highway 64 like a main main highway here highway 40 i guess and he stuck his ass out he like was in the passenger seat in the front, like craned his ass out from the open window, like holding onto the luggage rack on the top to stabilize himself. And people are laughing as he's about to poop because you don't think about the physics of it. You're going at least 50 miles an hour,

probably closer to 40, given that it was a snow day, but you're going quick, 45 miles an hour. And we imagine it's just going to be like a couple at least 50 miles an hour, probably closer to 40, given that it was a snow day, but you're going quick, 45 miles an hour. We imagine it's just going to be a couple of shits, and then onto the road. Tap the side of the door, maybe.

He takes his big, watery shit, and immediately, the wind, when it was whipping by, just paints the side of this Yukon in shit. And my friend, he was driving his mom's car and was like, oh, oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, dude, fuck, oh, we got to like go to the car wash or something.

Like, is it that bad? And he's like, it's not that bad. There's just some shit on the side. There's like shit all over my mom's car. So let me pull off, clean it up and with the pressure washer thing the car wash uh with uh just a hose you know while they're while their parents weren't home yet and uh so yeah that ended up being a one-time one-time thing that same that friend who was driving that car really disliked his neighbors.

He did not like his neighbors one bit. And you know those electrical boxes that are out in front of a house a lot of the time, like the green electrical box you see there? He, like, midnight or 1 a.m. I wasn't around for this. Like, went over there with some of our other friends and just took a big steamy shit right on top of this uh this electrical box and overnight it froze and so it was just frozen partially solid partially liquid shit on this electrical box and he told me yeah and like two days later i saw mr johnson out there with this big

broom getting it wet trying to scrub the shit off and like at the time i'm like that's hilarious you know i'm a kid too but this is pretty fucked man purposefully shitting on other people's property but i so when i was in like i want to say the third maybe the fourth grade my mom was teaching special a special ed class and at the time i had no social awareness so when she said that she was taking the special ed students to the tennessee aquarium i was like oh can i fucking go you know and she's like i guess you know let's ask your teacher if you can get out of class today so she goes to my third grade teacher she's like hey uh can i go on the field trip sure yeah i guess you know yeah have fun in the aquarium so i go on the aquarium with a busload of retarded children

On the way back First we stop To eat lunch right And we pull off the road at like a rest stop We choose to eat lunch In the area where everyone walks their dogs So every retard Stepped in dog shit

And gets back on the bus Now the bus smells like dog shit and gets back on the bus. Now the bus smells like dog shit. But that's not the end of the story because Tiffany Jones, yes I remember Tiffany, shit herself about a quarter of the way back to Georgia. It's a three and a half hour drive.

We had, the teachers had to be like, everyone just lower your windows down just lower all of the windows down on the bus the smell will go it didn't no it doesn't it was just the smell will go in four weeks it was just the poop here it was just whipping the smell of tiffany jones-filled drawers throughout our nostrils all over the bus. You'd be like, alright, alright, I think

all I smell is dog shit now. No, no, no, that's Tiffany! No, that's Tiffany! Oh, God! Oh, what did she eat? Oh, God! Oh, poor Tiffany. It was like gummy bears and Funyuns! That's a retard diet. And you know what else? She was retarded.

And so I assume she still is, barring a remarkable recovery. And so she didn't just take enough of a shit to relieve the pressure to make it to a bathroom. When it was coming out, she dumped the whole payload onto the floor of that Georgia State bus. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. She was like, all or nothing, baby. That's how I shit. Just let it fly.

And she filled her shorts up. I didn't see them, but I guarantee those shorts were brown. There was drippings coming down her thighs. It was a fucking disaster. I'll never forget that smell. I feel like one of those vietnam vets who had to hide in a pile of corpses for hours while the gooks came by and bayoneted the bodies and i just laid there in my friend's guts and bile that's how i feel driving back from tennessee

aquarium to georgia with timothy jones shit filled pants a couple of rows up from me. Oh, a couple rows up! Even worse, you're in the back lot. And because every single window is open, it's just made a cyclone of shit wind. Yeah, it's whipping around. That's hilarious. Oh, my stomach hurts.

Well, you know what? I love poop stories. Embarrassing thing you're willing to admit, topic did turn into something. I feel my stomach hurts. Well, you know what? I love poop stories. The embarrassing thing you're willing to admit topic did turn into something. I feel good about it. Well done. Holy shit. Yeah, that was a good one. That drinking episode in a couple weeks, that'll be fun. No, it won't.

It'll be terrible. It'll be fun for the listeners. It'll be good. Yes, for them. And not for you vomiting on the cold, cold floor afterward. Oh, my God. the cold floor is comforting you know there's nothing like hugging the porcelain throne and feeling really good about that cold cold toilet seat all our bathrooms have this like stone tile thing on the floor and it's perfect for

putting your cheek on right it's great every once in a while you flip when you've gotten that one tile too hot. It's like, shit. It's like, I've thrown up so much, I should feel better by now. It's like, nope. You're just throwing up the water that you're trying to use to recover. I love high school. High school? That was last year.

Yeah, it was three weeks ago for me. I'm just trying to take the high road here. This is why you need to lower that age from 21 to 18, my friend. Go right back. No. No, I'm going to stay away from the youth. I'm going to maintain the 21+.

I like it. It's done well for me. Not a lot of legal issues. Come on, man. Prom 2018 is going to be a ball. I've been asked to several proms, and I've said no every time. I've been asked to proms, and I'm tempted to say yes. I don't even know if they're girls.

They just want to bring Woody's Gamer Tag to the prom. I'm like, that sounds like a good time. That'd be fun. It sounds a little pedo. Like now. As I process it. I know what I want. And prom is not any of that.

I just feel like if I brought, I don't know why I chose this name, Liam Neeson to the prom with me. Everyone would know it wasn't like some. Yeah. Gay older guy right no i'm not but like no one's gonna think that maybe they will all think that it's weird but i don't know to me i'm like it's so ridiculous no one believes that they just it was a goof

look at alan like he brought that old guy with him. Yeah, I know. And the old guys get a little handsy. Did you notice? Yeah. No, they'll be like, that fucker can dance. Say what you will about him. He just keeps doing the running man again and again. He showed up on some sort of flying contraption. He must be a cool guy.

He asked me if I wanted to go tandem. But he wants me to face him. I don't know. No, don't face me. It's better the other way. I was going to ask Tucker to pimp his social media, but he's not here. It is.

Well, fuck him. Follow him on Twitter. Yeah, follow Tucker on... It's iijericoii on Twitter, and it's also that on YouTube. And hey, if you're a young lady, Jericho needs some pussy. Yes, he does. And if you're a young man who's passable, Jericho needs some pussy.

Oh, I thought you were going to aim that at me. I was just like, here it comes. Here it comes. Check out all of our sponsors. You definitely want your Quip toothbrush. You want your smartmouth.com slash pka discount. And keep your mouth clean with your Quip as well. Give us a quick.

And then Stitch Fix. I'm sorry. To make sure you're looking fly with your very clean mouth. Links in the description. All right. PKA episode 380.