Painkiller Already - Painkiller Already #381

Episode Date: April 13, 2018

This week on PKA, comedian, actor and host of American Ninja Warrior, Matt Iseman joins the guys and they all retell stories of Opie & Anthony, sharing their similar taste of dark comedy, then Matt shares a ton of really awesome stories about personally meeting and interacting with Arnold Schwarzenegger and after he leaves the guys discuss the latest drama before UFC 223 that involves Conor McGregor committing several misdemeanors and felonies by attacking... a bus. 

and we're live pka episode 381 with our guest matt eisman kyle yeah yeah a couple sponsors tonight squarespace and movement watches we'll get to those guys later on in the show there are links down below if you just can't wait but yeah let's get into it so we have matt eisman who you host the show american ninja warrior and i watch that occasionally and what percentage of the time when you see someone go up there are you like like, I have to really put on a face, but there's no fucking way they're completing it? Is it like 50 percent? It's it's funny. Honestly, I used to be much, much cockier about the idea that I could predict how people were going to do. idea that I could predict how people were going to do. And, you know,

other than if it's a, I mean, we've even last year, we had a guy 77 who got through at least one, maybe two obstacles who'd suffered a stroke. Wait, wait, wait. Did he have the stroke before or after? He'd had it before. It was amazing. I literally thought it was after the second obstacle. It was, we haven't had anyone have a stroke on the court, of course. Yeah. Honestly, the worst injuries we've had, I shattered my foot trying an obstacle, which is one of the probably top 10 worst obstacles or injuries we've ever had.

It's been shocking that, but usually most of the people, um, are reasonably fit and i've learned i've been surprised enough times to where i just am i am and usually i i just say they're gonna do better than i am so let me at least watch and see what happens can you make money as a competitor on that show i mean like obviously the winner winner makes something but yeah not not well this is where nbc loves loves uh loves loves this point we we don't pay anyone um we're starting to we're starting to pay them so whenever we do qualifying we don't pay we don't fly them to the city we don't put them up in a hotel and we don't pay them um there are bonuses if you're the fastest and we've added something this season, another way to earn cash that hasn't been announced, so I won't spoil it. But you can get $10,000 on the course.

And other than that, if they go to Vegas, they'll get like a stipend. But no, so no one's making money off competing on the show. People have opened up gyms and are starting to make some successes that way. But by and large, you know, for the most part, these are people who compete who are competing their their own passion. And when you again, it's the time that they probably sink into training or building a course or joining some of these ninja specific gyms i don't imagine there are a lot of people coming out in the black on it this is which is what makes it even more remarkable is the passion dedication and sacrifice not just time but they're not they're not making millions of dollars off this and we have a handful of ninjas who've been able to get endorsements

jesse graff is now Under Armour sponsored. She's done ad campaigns for them. Megan Martin does stuff for Athleta. Joe Moravsky, I think, has a deal with Macy's or something. But even still, I don't think they're moving into mansions. So it's amazing that they do it. As they progress from stage to stage, it should be like who wants to be a millionaire.

There should be an increasing dollar amount that's on the line and getting in the water and they lose it all or something like that. There are so many of those competitors that you see come up. You know the little vignette they run of their backstory? You'll see them and it's like, know i quit my job at the post office i sunk everything i have into this 24 000 makeshift uh office equipment and tires from the junkyard and like guilting me here taylor no they they like put sad music over it and i'll be like buying into it and then i'll be sitting like wait you chose to do this like well you know yeah no we did we had to get brian arnold was the guy wait, you chose to do this. Like, you know.

Yeah, no, we did. We had to get Brian Arnold was the guy who quit his job to do Ninja Warrior full time because he thought he was for sure going to beat the course and he didn't. And he's ended up making a living and it's gone unwell. He's part of the wolf pack. But some of those, you're right, it's a questionable financial investment to try to be a Ninja Warrior.

I don't think, you know, again, who am I to say I sunk all this money into becoming a doctor and quit that to end up moving out to Hollywood, which seemed like probably not the best financial move. Yeah, but you're still a doctor. Well, right, but I'm not using that. Worst case scenario, just go back to being a doctor. That guy's spotting post office. Very good point. He can't stumble back into TGIF Friday and put that flare back on.

They're going to be like, no, go jump on those tires some more, Bozo. That's a good office space reference. You've lost your tenure here. Yeah, no, we can't point this out because you guys are going to really make people question why they're competing on our show. Every one of the competitors is going, you right this is a this is a I was asking because I have some friends who I know could who could do well and I don't know they're they're parkour coaches for a living and I'm just like why don't they go yeah right yeah yeah it it it is one of those things of but but it makes sense in that case. If you if you have a gym or if you have a career, you go on there. And or if you're a trainer, you know, the best commercial you're going to have is doing well on the show.

Then people will want to come train with you. So for a parkour coach. But a lot of these people have ended up kind of backdooring that where they competed on the show, did well. And then said, oh, maybe I'll make money being a parkour coach or being a trainer or opening a gym. Yeah. I don't know. It seems like a lot of whiskey. It's a lot better to host the show than it is to compete on it

because I'm in Nashville and I'm going out for barbecue for the second night in a row, which none of our competitors get to do, I don't think. They seem to eat very healthy. I don't. Are there any game shows where it's better to be a contestant than the host? That's a good point. You're right.

At no point was Joe Rogan ever like, man, I wish I had a quart of donkey semen. You never know with Joe Rogan. He's probably like, you know what? That's great for brain development. I actually stole my isolation tank with a horse cum. That was amazing. It's funny you mentioned the donkey semen. I think it's what ended up that killed the second run of Fear Factor. Because at that point, the ratings were doing pretty well.

But every advertiser pulled out over that. And it's amazing now when when we watch how you know probably for charity they'll be the donkey semen challenge like drink a quart of donkey semen to help children with leukemia and now people will do it just put it on your facebook page as soon as your competitors have to swim through that stuff you'll know you've jumped the shark that's the end of the show now if they had a show where they're like, oh, you know, coming up next on ABC, so-and-so is going to drink a quart of Donkey Kong. You'd be like, this is benign.

I'm going to go watch something bananas on the internet. I don't know, man. I feel like that's- Once you've seen like chainsaw beheadings and things like that, like everything else, nothing gets to it. Yeah, but this was on like NBC, like in primetime. There's beautiful women drinking donkey cum. All right, you have to go to dark corners of the internet to find that normally.

And all of a sudden, it was just right there. Which dark corners? There's so many. It was right there. And I never wanted to be a donkey so much in my life. They were drinking it right from the tap. We should specify. Yeah, yeah.

They had no. Oh, they had these giant beer mugs of it. And it was. You know, what we didn't talk about was the really tough job is the guy who had to collect the donkey semen that they drank. That guy. The procurer. Yes.

The guy over there with blisters on his hands. Right. 60 cents a day. He's going through lube or jergens like crazy. The only guy winning in this scenario is the actual donkey. I don't know how much. What a strange game. The only way to win is not to play.

How many donkeys did they have to milk to get that much semen? Someone did the math. You guys might be a little young, but I grew up, you know, this was pre-internet. There were those rumors that went around, like Richard Gere. But it was Rod Stewart had his stomach pumped. And someone tried to do the math because they said it was like, whatever. I think how many men would have to ejaculate for someone to choke on? It's really spiral.

And actually, as a medical question, that was those are the things that are important when you figure out someone did it. I think it was actually you guys know. I don't know if you know Dr. Steve Weird Medicine from opiate anthony oh yeah um he always talks about fluids i think he actually did the math and calculated the average human ejaculate is however many cc's is that dog dead yeah he's a great day and all they do is sleep and run it would really depend if how many of the gentlemen had been zinc supplementing, because you could really load up. Or if Peter North is involved, it could have been just one.

I would cut your men in half. Or one more. Right. Yeah, I mean, it would have to be a lot of men in quick succession, because if you were waiting too long you're digesting it very good point you're digesting the calm of the past they all have to be around there's no way it's the same guy no way I don't think it would be because of a full stomach

I think at some point your body would just be like how quickly did this podcast start before we got to this topic this has to be a topic welcome to the show man right we we usually start with we just kick right off with the semen donkey come it has to be at least i bet 50 i bet you'd have to yeah yeah i'll tell you the your your question originally taylor was which show would you rather be the contestant than the

host i think there's there's like all right who wants to be a millionaire like it'd be really fun to go for that money whereas the host of that's usually some smarmy jerk and uh i always thought that like first of all it's the most capitalist show of all time but it's also like a bit quite trash but uh the price is right i would love to be on the price is right well how about the guy who calculated it who they were so suspicious they thought he was cheating yeah who'd done the math like figured out the games and cracked the code on it and ended up bidding within like 12 dollars won both showcases was the highest total ever and drew carrie called him out as a cheater essentially

on air and then they aired it anyway i I thought that guy, that guy was great. Wasn't there a show called Taboo Island or something like that? Temptation Island? Temptation Island. Didn't all the contestants get laid repeatedly? Well, that was, I think that was the first, you know, that, and now that'd be, again, that would be tame. So much of it is timing.

How a show like that, you know know essentially it's bachelor in paradise and how amazing was that to have that show get shut down with accusations of drunken rape in this hashtag me too era and then to have had such concrete proof apparently on tape that that that corinne was a willing participant that they then resumed production within a couple of days to have a network be so sure of it. That tape must have been pretty sound, right? She had to be and had to be obviously sober enough to be making coherent decisions because it's amazing how you just see networks. Then understandably in this climate, you would want no part of something like that. And for them to double down on it was, I would love to have seen that take. They should have called it Horror Island and just gotten it over with, right?

Right. I mean, that's what we're headed towards. It's funny. I just saw Ready Player One. And they make this whole thing about this oasis and kind of how you would go in and play video games. And we all know how it would devolve. Nobody would actually be playing a game. They would all be having that Demolition Man virtual sex.

Absolutely. The Demolition Man virtual sex looked terrible, though, right? It was all flashy and glitchy. It looked like you were being electro-rectally ejaculated or something. With Sandra Bullock, I'd be willing to do that. Yeah, that sounds okay so far. She was all right, right? I feel like I'd be emotionally scarred after that.

Right? Oh, not after Donkey Kong, but after a little virtual sex? It just didn't. Kyle, your standards are curious to me I'm numb to the donkey cum at this point well that was great when John Spartan goes we do it the old fashioned way and then pulls her in for a kiss

she's like eh bodily fluids right right fluids did you guys ever we were talking about game shows and which one would be better. This guy named, uh, Michael Larson of the show.

Press your luck in, uh, yeah, I remember that one. Yeah. Big bucks, no whammies. Yeah.

Big bucks, no whammies. And this guy, apparently this is before, you know, they thought that anyone would take the time to memorize shit. Yes. He memorized the patterns where the pattern would go.

And so he would watch and say like, oh, when it hits the free vacation at the top, that means next it's going to go to a $5,000 square and another roll. And this guy for like an hour plus was just sitting there. Cause you know, usually one person hits it. Right.

Maybe you get two in a row and then, oh, whammy, you lost everything. He would like say stop before or after he hit the button to stop it because he was just putting on a show. He knew exactly where he was going to put it. Just screaming, stop, stop, stop. He kept going. And like they went to commercial multiple times and they were like talking to the guy who was hosting it. Because like if you were really good at this game or really lucky, you'd make like six grand.

This guy was up to like $120 1984 yeah yeah what he did is he recorded the show they kicked him off he recorded the show on his vcr and he would watch hours of this shit and he cracked the code he was like oh it's not randomized at all it's a set pattern i love that well that's like pac-man right they figured out like those guys who who just spend enough time and i don't know if the pac-man was someone figured it out or if they actually went into the code and realized there was a pattern but i do love that that people will be that impassioned about it you know to to do that and and it's funny we actually so with ninja warrior you know we don't we don't tell them what they're going to face they don't get to practice but what happens is um ninjas will come out because we're setting up the course and it takes about a week to set it up and get the

obstacles in and so for like the last three days essentially the course is up and what ninjas will do is start filming it and filming we have testers going through and they'll film it and some of them will take photos and then try to recreate the obstacles in a local gym and start training and so what our stunt guys have done which is funny this was on their own this was not nbc didn't tell them to do it they started putting up fake obstacles just just to mess with them and then pulling them down um to get at them but again, it's like if someone is willing to do their homework or to come up with the – it's almost like they're the ones who are stress testing your game. And if you didn't see it – They're not cheating. They're trying harder.

It sounds to me like they're putting in the extra effort that these other people are not. But they're missing the point, right? But they're missing the point, right? What would you prefer to see if you're watching the show? Someone succeed triumphantly or fail miserably on the third to last challenge, right? I grew up watching MXC, Most Extreme Challenge, where the Japanese ridiculously dubbed over challenge show. I'm watching for concussions. Those are the good episodes when someone face plants does a full vertical nosedive into mud that they thought was three feet deep but turned it out to be three

inches deep and you just see the back of their skull hit their spine you're like oh that's a good one i'm laughing i'm laughing because again so i shattered my foot two years ago just a week ago we were in Dallas shooting. And at the end of the shoot, I'm a little loopy. And I try one of the obstacles in reverse and end up trying to do a backflip and just tore the ligaments in my ankles. No, no. It's just because we do back-to-back tapings at night so you're okay you've you and and it's it's akbar and i are there for you know eight and a half nine hours with like a half hour lunch break other than where you're just

you know it's very high energy obviously where we're yelling at it and so by the end of it you're you're exhausted and you're just kind of loopy you know because it's five in the morning you've been up back-to-back nights and and you're not drunk, so you, I just, I thought I could pull it off. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it just, it was, my judgment was clearly impaired, and you get around the ninjas and you watch, and you think, I can do that. You just watch it enough where you get a little cocky,

and then gravity takes over. That's totally true, because sometimes when you're watching that show, you'll see a dude who looks like, you know, chiseled out of marble. And you're like, of course I couldn't do what that guy's doing. But the other time you'll be like this guy, you know, it's Steve Whitaker from Nebraska. He's five, six, one 42.

Right. You're like, Oh, that guy made it. I could beat him. He can do it. Yeah. He works at a bank and he's just a teller. He's not even middle management.

41 as a teller. I could jump on the ladder thing and hook it up. In Japan, in the original show called Sasuke, which our show is based off of, the only guys who've achieved total victory are under 5'5 and under 150 pounds and some of them are pretty shredded but right right but uh one of the guys was a shoe

salesman and he was he's not doughy but you look at him and you're just like the he's he was an underwhelming Yuji Ureshihara this underwhelming physical specimen who is just, and who trains, but just doesn't have the genes to get shredded. And so he just looks like this little guy who sits in and plays video games all day, but is one of the greatest athletes who ever took on the course. The only guy who's gotten total victory twice. It's, it's absurd. And so again, it's one of those things where you see people, we've had some, you know, NFL players and Olympic athletes come out who are these more traditional built people,

and you think they're going to crush it and they fail on the very first obstacle. And, and so that's why I have no idea how anyone's ever going to do. I'm really hoping the best professional athlete that's ever done it. Like of like people in the Cam Wembley, Cam Wembley came out from the NFL who was a defensive end. He was on the Titans. And I think the only reason he was able to do it, he was in between contracts because usually they'll have clauses where they, you know, they can't do something that risks injury.

And he's six, four to 55. And he completed a city finals course in Miami in season four. I mean, he was on the salmon ladder, and it looked like the bar was going to break under his weight. We'd never seen anyone close to his size do well, let alone, I mean, of the professional athletes, the problem is most of them, A, don't have time to train, or B, have a little arrogance of, I'm an athlete, I can do this.

And you realize, again, you could, but so much of it is obstacle-specific training, you know, agility or grip strength or just learning how to do the warped wall. It's not something, but, you know, again, he's 6'4 and a ridiculous athlete, so he just took two steps and then leapt. You know, he's got probably a 40-plus inch vertical leap, just leapt up and pulled himself up. And it was one of those things of just someone who physically overpowered the course,

which was amazing. But that way, you know, the course has gotten exponentially more difficult as our ninjas have gotten better prepared. So when we look at previous seasons, what used to be difficult now would be, you know, we'd have like a, over half the competitors could clear it because they're prepared.

The Warped Wall used to be a hard obstacle at 14 feet. And now we had, you know, we had to raise it. And it's still something where, you know, we'll see a handful of people even miss, let alone not get up at all season long. See, like, it's my only opportunity. You need to pass this to the top. So when they do the Half Pipe Wall, you jump up, grab is my only opportunity. You need to pass this to the top. So when they do the half pipe wall, you jump up, grab it, pull up. All they have to do from there is run over and hit the buzzer.

Right. It's a totally physical challenge. But what if you added, not to like rip off Fear Factor, just one roach? You have to eat one roach before you can hit the button. And he's climbed the wall. He's just one roach before you can hit the button and he's and he's climbed the wall he's just one roach away honestly now peter would probably shut us down like those roaches have feelings too right peter right peter has lost its cloud it's amazing it'd be funny it'll be funny to see you

know at some point everything becomes obsolete and and in the same way you know i think we kind of came along wipeout was so successful but we were a little more serious version of wipeout and i think we kind of made them obsolete eventually something will come along and make us obsolete and it'll probably be something where the running man you know that's the running man so you know i'm on apprentice with schwarzenegger and we were airing in 2017 which is when Running Man was set and I pointed out to him I'm like, you realize you've become Damon

Killian and I'm Ben Richardson. I'm the Running Man. He was like, that's a good point, Heisman. That's a pretty good accent. What's so funny and not funny it's it's i i'm first of all i'm a pathetic ass kisser when i get around people like i'm a star i'm a you know i when

i'm a fan of somebody i'm a total fan boy and so like with schwarzenegger from the beginning i i i grew up you know predator commando terminator con, Conan, those were my Bible. And so I couldn't have been a bigger fan. And I just couldn't, you know, I was constantly quoting his movies to him. They're so quotable. They're so quotable. Conan, what is rest in life? To cross your enemies and see them before you and hear the lamentations of their women. All right, you don't get a race.

And so it got to the point to where I realized the only person who loves schwarzenegger more than me is him and so he loved it and so i was just with him at the arnold expo the arnold classic in columbus which no sorry about that no am i back um i was just with him and it right before i i go out on stage to introduce him, he goes, go make fun of me. And so he just has me out there doing him. And it was so much fun. He's a good sport about it. Yeah, he seems like a really nice guy.

I see him post on Reddit a lot, like in the weightlifting subreddits and stuff like that. I remember there was some guy who was really lanky. He was like 6'4", but like 130 pounds or something. He was talking about getting the courage to go to the gym and falling over and spilling the weights and how people pointed and laughed at him. And he's like, I think I'm just going to give up. And then Schwarzenegger replies to his comment.

He's like, oh, no, you already showed so much courage. You've already done the hard part that most people couldn't do. Get back in there and do it. And it was really cool. He's a force of nature. It's amazing. I mean, he just turned 70. Obviously, he just had the heart surgery.

But the guy keeps a schedule that, you know, traveling around the globe and the energy he has. traveling around the globe and the energy he has and like how much the guy is just relentlessly positive and a guy who refuses to take no for an answer, whether it's raising money for a charity or running for governor, whatever it is. And it's a guy when you're around him, it's infectious. But what's great is it's not like this Tony Robbins rah rah, which again, I, you know, I think is great too, but, but he's just, he's also a ball buster. Like, he is, and that's kind of the way, off camera, one of the things that I was really bummed that nobody got to see because the show kind of, you know, there's the business of the show

that you have to do when you're introducing these things. But when the cameras are off, Schwarzenegger was, with his buddies or with us, just relentless, ball-busting. And it was funny. He's such a funny guy. And what he loves is when someone finally gets up the nerve to give it to him. And so it's kind of one of those things like when, you know, you tease the girl you like.

When he's going after you, you're like, oh, this is kind of his way of saying, you know, you're good. You're good by me. You're a made man. And it was, I just, but still, anytime I'm around him, like at some point I'm, you know, my dad's birthday happened to fall on the day I was with Schwarzenegger. We're driving around and I'm like, would you mind just saying happy birthday to my dad? And he just starts singing, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you.

And I'm like, dad, that was short. He goes, birthday to you and i'm like dad that was short he goes that wasn't you i go that was short and you know my dad i don't think he was impressed but he could see how my my dad was not a big you know your dad's big trump supporter or something he's like hey when you've really made it you'll have trump just saying uh rating down i mean it makes sense that he would be really cool. Well, really into ball busting. Because what are you supposed to say back to Arnold Schwarzenegger? It's like he's won Mr. Universe or Mr. World.

Mr. Olympia. He's won everything. He's one of the biggest blockbuster actors of all time. He was a governor. Like, what can you really say other than like, you you fucked your maid and made a really physically impressive kid out of it wow he's gonna be in the nfl that's the one thing i've never said that that's the one i think that would be crossing the line but even like his friends that's what tom arnold top so uh tom arnold is is remained one of his really that's and that's the other thing I think that speaks volumes about Schwarzenegger

is when you're around him, you see the people he has in his life are friends he's had for decades. He's not one of these people who just goes through people and churns them out. He's got friends from when he was a kid who he stays in touch with, who he surrounds himself with, and Tom Arnold. And he said Arnold at one point arnold and he said arnold at one point tom um we he has a charity after school all-stars so arnold tom arnold was doing the auction and started making jokes about the maid in front of all these people and only tom

arnold could get away with it but apparently it was one of those things where schwarzenegger was you know he's still friends with him but but i think that's one of those ones where you gotta you gotta make sure you're in before you go to that one and i'm i'm not i'm not there yeah i just love the stupids i've heard tom arnold talk about arnold's parties and how he'll have all these exotic animals there you'll be like a house party and all of a sudden there's like an alligator literally in the kitchen. At a Tom Arnold party? No, at Schwarzenegger's house. I was just there.

It's the craziest thing because this alligator is still. And so you could go up and they're like, you can get a photo kissing the alligator. I'm like, you're fucking with me. And they're like, no, no, no, go ahead. And so I go up and I'm like right there. And I'm like, oh, my God, this is crazy. And then Johnny Knoxville, who's at the party, comes up and just like pokes me. And I'm just, you know,

just fucking the bitchiest noise that could have come out of anyone. But he does, like you show up, you'll walk up. Sometimes there's a camel at his house or a bison or a bald eagle. And he'll have otters in his pool. And this is apparently tame because he he he was a tank driver in the austrian army and at one of his parties he had his tank there and like you

could ride around in the tank i'm like that's that's the one i want but the tank now is like from like romania whatever the fuck so from aust. And you couldn't you couldn't you know, obviously, there are very strict rules about this and you couldn't get a tank, even though obviously this was just for his museum. But, you know, he was buddies with Bush. And so I think it was Rumsfeld or Cheney had to like personally sign an order allowing an exemption for this tank to be imported into America. But that's, you know, we're sitting there. I'm sitting with Schwarzenegger at the table and I'm next to his stunt double from True Lies. And he's telling me stories about how he nearly crashed the limousine in that scene with Jamie Lee Curtis. Nearly crashed off the edge of the bridge with Jamie Lee Curtis and James Cameron in the limo. And next to me, Schwarzenegger is talking about meeting Mikhail Gorbachev.

And you're just like, like this guy, the, it's just ridiculous to think of, of like all that he's done in the, the world impact he's had. Um, is fascinating it's great it's great cells in like one of the areas that he's made it right in is like a success like if you become a governor you're pretty successful if you become mr olympia you're pretty successful if you you know star in what a dozen blockbuster movies like and like his third role was you'd have a like his third role was Conan. His third role was like Conan the Barbarian. Ah, don't forget Hercules in New York. That was the real breakout role. But it's

amazing because he was like, I want to be a movie star. And they're like, no, you're going to be the bouncer or the bad guy. He's like, I'm going to be the star. So he, third or fourth role was Conan. I'm not saying no to this guy. He's just enormous. You know who they were considering as the Terminator before? O.J. Simpson.

O.J. Simpson. And they turned it down because O.J. was, quote, too likable. The 80s were a different time. Isn't that amazing? Who was that? They said it was Howard Cosell interviewing O.J. Simpson and Bruce Jenner. There's a photo of him between those two. And it was like, and somebody put the meme was something like, I've seen the future and you guys aren't going to believe what happens.

Fucking O.J.'s a scary motherfucker. Like, although I say it all the time. I'm like, look, he's a double murderer. Okay. You know, he's a scary motherfucker. Although, I say it all the time. I'm like, look, he's a double murderer, okay? And a terrifying individual. But boy, is he good in the naked gun. Great in the naked gun. He kills it. That man could do slapstick.

That makes up for one of the murders in my eyes. It is. It really is amazing when you... And again, to look at the life he was leading to that point and and then to get away with the double murders only to screw it up like you're out. You you you did it. You got away with it. And then you commit another crime and end up in jail. It's it's these,

who would believe it? If it were a movie, you, you, you just wouldn't, if he, if he wouldn't believe it. If they told you like,

we're going to do a new spin next, next season, you're going to have a co-host. It's OJ Simpson. Well, so, you know, I,

I love Anthony Cumia and, and Artie Lang. And, and when the juice was released, Anthony was like, You know, I love Anthony Cumia and Artie Lang. And when The Juice was released, Anthony was like, I would give him a show on this network tomorrow. Yeah. And it was one of those things where I'm like, I'd probably listen to at least the first episode. I mean, you feel awful saying that. But at the same time, we have this morbid fascination. Hey, I didn't know Nicole.

All right? Let's get real here. I don't know. I didn't know nicole all right let's get real here like like i don't know i didn't know ron goldman like like like i you know i hey hey they were running around town with that man's money they were fucking in his house uh he shows up one night the damn near beheading that put it over the edge yeah well i mean like he said in that interview where he fake confessed he just got a little carried away and blacked out. And when he came to, there was blood everywhere. You know, like it's tell me you haven't had a Saturday night like that.

He won the Heisman. Let it go. See that man run. Come on. He's got his bad. Well, that was when I moved out to L.A. I moved out in September of 99, so it was still relatively fresh. And I drove a white Ford Bronco, which was fantastic to be driving around the L.A. highways in that.

Really good to pick up a girl in a white Ford Bronco back then. Yeah. I saw one on the Internet. It was a white Bronco, and the license plate says not OJ. That's good. That's good. I shouldn't see. I wasn't smart enough to come up with that. It was. Yeah. Yeah. I would. I'm fascinated by OJ Simpson. I would like if like if he did an interview now or if he had his own show, man, he had his own show. I would watch that shit relentlessly. It's it's what they said where we're you know we're getting to this point of what's next we we you do get so dulled when you

can see anything on the internet of the the shock value just what you were saying how the donkey come whatever seven years ago was you know enough to get a show off the air and now you know probably like a 16 year old would do it on a YouTube channel and get a million hits. It would go viral as the Donkey Kong Challenge, right? The Donkey Kong Challenge. It would just be repeated again and again by everyone. Or autism. Or autism.

Right. I don't even get it. This is actually a program to identify the autistic people drinking cum. We're very literal. Yeah, it's amazing, I'm sure. drinking cup we're very literal yeah it's amazing i'm sure i'm sure it's only going to as we look back in 40 years i think that to figure out what what will entertain us what what will surprise us or shock us i mean you know the idea that you can you can watch videos of people people's lives ending yeah and on the internet and to think and and it is like those beheading videos those

isis batting videos if you've ever made the mistake of watching one of those those are things that are so haunting and yet probably kids you know i'm sure like we used to watch faces of death if you remember that movie where 99 of it was fake but they had one that was like a train crash killing a family or something and yeah it was I remember those things would like scar me. It would scar me. And now you can look up anything on the internet. I remember when bum fights was really edgy. We would go and rent bum fights and watch the bums fight.

And then of course there was an offshoot of that called the bum hunter, which was this guy who would dress up like Steve Irwin, do his best Australian accent. Right. And literally stalk homeless people in back alleys. Oh my God. He's got a camera crew with him with lights. It's the dead of night.

He's like, all right, there's a big buck over here. All right, everyone stay down, stay down. He could get violent. And he literally attacks a homeless man. And the guy's like, what are you doing to me? He's hold on there big fella it's all right we're not gonna hurt you and he zip ties the guy up like duct tapes his hands behind his back he's like all right on camera yes total felony on camera and the guy's like what are you doing to me why who are you people hold on there big fella this one's getting rowdy he's like on the guy's back and he's

like gets out a tape measure gonna take a few measurements here he measures the guy's forehead circumference he's like oh 16 inches all right all right yeah just gonna mark you here now calm down calm down and the guy's struggling he writes like a number on the guy's face with a with a sharpie marker and like and there's another guy over there with a clipboard. He's like, take this down. And he's like taking down the measurements, just like someone would do that for Steve Irwin when he had a big crock. They're like, all right, 17 feet long.

Oh my God. And then at the end, he's like, all right, we're going to turn you loose now. It's all right. Go back into the wild. It's horrible. It's wrong. And it's hilarious.

And it's hard to admit. Like, you watch it and you're entertained by it. It's, I sometimes do feel guilty. And you're kind of just like borderline kidnapping, likely a combat veteran. This poor, likely mentally ill combat person who now is going to have nightmares. Like, someone zip tied me.

Like, sure they did. Sure, we're aliens, right? Never believe him. That's the thing. He's going to go the next someone zip tied me like sure they did sure we're aliens right ever believe him that's the thing he's gonna go the next day and try to extend like tell this tale and they'll be like the crocodile hunter right after you last night you know years ago how dare you disrespect his family but then one guy will like look over him and see the number and be like yeah yeah 16 yeah and 16. He got me last week. And you're number 31, so he's amping it up. It's amazing how you go online to watch, like,

an Aladdin video or something, and you end up watching The Bum Hunter or Behead. Like, it's just the YouTube sinkhole that just, this downward spiral you go on when you're just clicking videos late at night. It's amazing how inevitably it or a lead to porn. One of the two gifts of death you'll see, like on somewhere like Reddit, where it'll be like that's not the name of the forum. Yes, definitely. But you'll see like people dying. Some guy gets, you know, falls off a bridge and you see him land and it's just a gift of that.

falls off a bridge and you see him land. And it's just a gif of that. And you'll scroll between, for me, a hockey score, a guy dying, and then a cat trying to catch a bird. And you don't even slow down anymore. You're just like, that wasn't even a good one. He died for nothing. He's going down.

You think about it for a second. You're like, God, if I would have seen that when I was 10, that would have been pretty numbing. would have ruined my day we need to address that youtube you wonder you right you wonder like the the fact that children do have this access to anything and that no matter how good a parent you are the fact is if they have internet you know they can they can see these things they're growing up differently for better or worse i don't know i don't know what the impact will be probably for worse yeah probably right they're like the children in the walking dead they're growing up very different than uh than than their forefathers did i will tell you for me i know i i spend way too much time on my phone like social media how you become a slave to it and i and i know like at night

like when i put it down and and i feel, I physically like feel my eyes scrolling. I can feel like that urge to check it. And I'm like, this is so unhealthy for me. And to imagine while your brain is still forming to have this constant stimuli, like where you don't have to go out and entertain yourself. You just have it in the palm of your hand constantly. This thing that can entertain you to no end rather than having to go out and be creative i i look at how it's i mean it's a tool you know it's how you use it and if you have discipline i don't have discipline so i'm on it way too much but i i i do fear for our for our next generation

uh i mean like if there ever were a power outage. No, go ahead. Just sitting here struggling to have internet in a hotel, and I'm like, what the, what is this? How am I supposed to, wait, I should be on Instagram right now. I can't go Insta live, this is awful. One of the worst things that happens to me, if I'm off it for a while, right, I'm not on Reddit or Facebook or what have you, it's like, huh huh four hours has gone

by i bet there's something new you know right i wonder what happened while i was gone well it was ari shafir made such a good point when uh i don't know if you remember he released two specials and one of them he he he mentioned another comic by name who he didn't like and people were calling for his head and i talked to him and uh i'm like you know how did you how did you handle that because we all see people who who end up in the barrel on you know kind of kind of the end of a social media mob and you know what i did i took my phone and i went like this and i walked away from it for a week and by the time i came back someone else was in the crosshairs and i just moved on

and i thought it's such a good lesson how we feel how you know you you you feel oh my god someone's yelling at me and you're like well now they're not now they're not i'm i'm only if i'm giving them that that opportunity and it's it's funny how you you see people get drawn into it, to trolls, and so many trolls, I think, are just looking for attention or whatever, and they see a response. And you see it, like you see these people like Artie Lang or Anthony Cumia, who often will, some of them love to engage trolls,

and you're like, you're only inviting this bad behavior when you do that. You're just making it harder on yourself. Did he call out the girl who had one arm? Damien? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he did. It was brutally funny.

He's like, I met this chick in LA. She's got one arm. I knew she had two arms. She was just as annoying then. So her annoyance to arm ratio has skyrocketed. Also, she smells. You know that fat people smell? Not all of them have it, but some do.

And she has it. It was brutal. Now her left side folds are even worse. And I love Ari. I think he's such a funny and fearless comic, and he's great. And he's willing to risk consequences. It's great that he's finally sober. Yeah.

Is he sober now? No, no, no. Oh, yeah. No, he's a drug addict. I'm like, he's... All those guys. Well, did you see'm like, he's all those guys. What did you see? Like he hijacked the skank fest, the announcement of it, like Luis J. Gomez and worked and was like, you know, Sunday night at midnight.

We'll announce it. And Ari was part of it. So Sunday at like 6 p.m., he goes, hey, skank fest is coming on these dates and stole the thunder out of it. is coming on these dates and stole the thunder out of it and you know it's probably one of those things where it ended up getting more publicity because people were like oh i can't believe ari did that lewis are you mad and and it ended up drumming up more publicity but i thought it was it was just like such a a perfect ari move like of course of course lewis j what did you expect? He is hilarious. But all those guys are. I like, it's funny. My comedy is very clean and innocuous. And that's kind of who I am and what I'm comfortable being on stage.

And I always think it's like, you know, be authentically who you are, who you're comfortable being. But I really enjoy like Shafir or doug stanhope or or jim norton or or you know and i and i i ferociously fight for for comics like that it's it's as someone who makes a living with words again as a comic i think i i don't go anywhere near the line i don't go anywhere close to it i'm'm very innocuous. But I see the importance of protecting anyone who makes a living with words and why I always think when comics turn on comics or say this topic's off, you know, I'm like the South Park, either everything's fair game or nothing is fair game. Yeah. And I think that every single person, whether you do a podcast

or whether you're an actor, you know, should be defending when comics come under fire for a joke it's a joke and and whether it's the idea of of jim norton has said this that you could portray a rapist in a movie nobody thinks you're actually a rapist but if you make a joke that is clearly satirical you're not advocating rape you're trying to make a joke people will will take you at your word because it you are this you you happen to be a character they don't take it as art and i just think it's one of these mistakes that when when people don't fight for that freedom of speech we all everyone loses podcasts all all that And, and the idea of exchange of ideas suffers from it. So it always, it, it, it, I, I never understand that why, why people don't support

each other, particularly comedians to say, you know, Hey, we, we, we really need to protect this freedom of speech because if we lose it, it's just gonna rapidly dwindle. Yeah. We're big fans of Jim Norton and Kumia and Artie and all those guys. Jimmy is so quick. Jimmy is so quick. That's the quickest mind I've ever seen on anything. When he's on

a podcast or a radio show, the way he just instantly has the punchline to interject into a conversation it's hilarious it's incredible listen to old ona clips on youtube all the time especially the patrice ones yeah me too and then you know patrice and uh and jimmy bantering and whatnot with oh my god like it was great it's such a shame that show fell apart because of twitter yeah it is and in a way

it's you know now jimmy and sam uh have their show on i guess op now has his podcast but i will say i i never got to go on uh ona uh and and see it live but to sit between arty and anthony now and arty who you know is sober i i hope i or at least doing well, but is still. I feel like Artie and Anthony now have that same rapport that Anthony and Jim had, where Kumia, for someone who's never done comedy, I put Kumia up there with Norton as just a rapid-fire mind. When I sit there between Artie and Anthony firsthand, I think I'm quick. I think I'm quick. I think I'm funny.

And I am, I feel like the slow kid in class where I'm just, my mind can't keep up with how fast, I say Jim Norton, Kumia, Lang, and Jay Moore is the other one who I've seen, I think, who are just the fastest machine gun minds where there's nothing you can throw at them, where they can't go back and forth, back and forth. And it was already. I already was making Howard funny for years. Already was over there feeding Howard jokes like like, you know, they had a system where he could slip them electronically over to Howard like like he's feed. And he was he's such he's so smart. He knew the system there. He knew what they were doing as a show.

Yeah. You would hear him almost start to like be the funniest one in the room and then stop and let Howard be the funniest one in the room. It was just really smart guy, which is a skill, too, which is a skill, too, to be able to not only have a joke, but to have a joke that someone else can tell. to not only have a joke, but to have a joke that someone else can tell. And you guys know the timing of it. And I love listening to Jimmy and Ant talk about that, how there is, you have, it can be a half second. And if it's too late, the joke falls flat because the audience or whoever we've caught up. But that's the thing is when they're always faster than you and you're listening, you know, particularly as as as you guys, you guys get it when you when you talk about this and you see it and and to see their minds work that fast is it's like a beautiful mind that that thing of.