Painkiller Already - Painkiller Already #382

Episode Date: April 19, 2018

This week on PKA, DRINKING EPISODE WITH TUCKER! And Kyle & Taylor get ridiculously shit faced... people talk about licking dirty feet, Woody's mom comes at Taylor and apparently Kyle is willing to beat and burn a pony to do some very dirty things. It's getting buck wild on this week's drinking episode of Painkiller Already and thank god we recorded it because Kyle doesn't remember any of this episode!

And we're live. Painkiller Ready, episode 382, your complete source for fitness, UFC, and hockey talk. Kyle? God, so many people just tuned away. Yeah, couple sponsors tonight. Dollar Shave Club, Smart Mouth, Casper Mattresses, and Archer Danger Island, from which we have a little clip.

This episode of PKA is brought to you by the all-new season of the FXX animated comedy, Archer, Danger Island, premiering Wednesday, April 25th at 10 p.m. on FXX. Season 9 centers on the semi-functional alcoholic seaplane pilot, Sterling Archer, as he navigates the mysterious and deadly world of Danger Island, located on the lush South Pacific island of Mitimotu in 1939. Along with his trusty co-pilot pam he must navigate quicksand cannibals super intelligent monkeys poison darts and pirates amongst other things watch the all-new season of

archer danger island wednesday at 10 starting april 25th on fxx that was a success all right so they can't hear the pre-roll but pre-roll but of course the audience and I can. We're good to go. Over at Archer, they did not trust us on our drinking night to be doing this on the loose. Dollar Shave Club does not give a hoot, but Archer wanted it done right. And Casper just doesn't know.

To start the evening, we decided we're going to front load a bit, be responsible. Everybody's got a shot in their glass. I'd be high in Skittle, but just so you know, I'm not faking. Oh, yes. This is like a little... Be careful with that. I'm not faking.

Oh, wait. You are not Wings of Redemption, my friend. We would never think that of you. Oh, that he replaced it with water? He did it. Wings did that. I would be hated. We were hated.

Because to the most part, we don't do it. And here's the worst part of it, is when he opens his grand gala. That's how air works when it goes into the bottle. Oh no, but it's a nice noise. The bottle has a certain acoustic. It's a foreign noise to me. Is everyone all poured up? Yes.

I'm ready. Alright. Cheers. Cheers. I'm ready alright cheers I feel like you should outline the general what we're thinking about doing here yes look at that face that's the face of a champion

oh no people are probably going to ask what's everybody drinking tonight so we did make sure everything is the exact same strength, even though it's not all the same shit. So Tucker's got Tito's. Kyle? I have Grand Gala, which is an orange liqueur made with VSOP brandy instead of cognac, which is what you get when you drink Grand Marnier. It's $20 a bottle for the size that Woody has, a.75 ml bottle, whereas

Grand Marnier is $38. Much better price, and it tastes better, and it wins the blind taste test between the two. Well, there you go. Woody has the same, and I have Lunazul Blanco Tequila. An excellent tequila, if you ask me. I agree.

It made my throat really hot right now. Walk us through what's happening to your body. Woody, tell us about your palate. Tell us about the flavor layout there. What are you tasting notes of? So I can taste that it's orange, but mostly I'm warm. I swear I'm already drunkish, which sounds ridiculous, right? But there's a sort of instant like, oh, fuck, we're not joking around with this.

It's like a placebo effect. You know, you expect to get drunk, so you're already like, all right, we're elevated. If people are somehow new to the show, if 382 episodes in, they're like, you know what? I'm going to give this thing a go. I'm not a drinker. We do a drinking episode every, like, year, year and a half. And that's literally the last drop of alcohol i had was the last drinking episode whenever that was and uh remind people how that last experience with alcohol went oh my god it ended with me

thankful that the tile on my bathroom floor was so cold as i vomited it was like right after that show was over i remember kyle was like hey taylor you want to play sue and i'm like yeah sure i'll have another drink or two and you're like yeah me too and so we hop on there and what he was like texting us in our group chat i'm like oh i'm vomiting and it's not making it any better when's this gonna end and it's like you're in for the long haul buddy oh it was bad. And it's bad. Kyle described it. He says, as soon as you drink it, you get like a warming feeling. And it occupies that hole in your soul where love is supposed to go.

Yeah. And I can see what he's talking about. It's just an – like it's as if it went down and coated me like an oil. It did. This is so reminiscent of like hanging out with somebody who's like, so I tried smoking weed for the first time. And you have no idea. It was just like, I was so warm and tingly.

And I'm like, yeah, okay, nice. Yeah, you're enjoying yourself. Well, hopefully this one goes better with nobody on there. Or worse. You know, I think the last one went really well. Yeah, why are we benchmarking it as a bad night if you throw up? That's just a consequence of a good night. This is just water.

They told me to down it to keep myself hydrated. Drink a glass of water with every two drinks. We'll keep you feeling good. Yeah. I think this will end well. It's a good enough metric. Fuck. Well, it's one of those things that I never really tried to follow until I went out with a friend of mine who was, like, 30.

I think he's, like, 35. And we're sitting there at, it was at X Games in Austin. So it was really hot outside. And we had been drinking the entire day. And it's one of those things where, like, you lose track of how hydrated you're supposed to be because you're still going to the bathroom every now and then. track of how hydrated you're supposed to be because you're still going to the bathroom every now and then so so he was like hey man you should try and do this whole glass every or glass of water every two drinks and i don't think i've had a bad hangover since and that was like two years ago yeah so much of it is making sure you've eaten something and then drinking a bunch of water

you're doing good woody we're five five minutes in how come no one else's face is red? This is just called a Thursday for me, Woody. This is not my first drink today, like I said. Kyle showed up in the chat and Woody was like, I have not had a drop since the last episode. And Kyle goes, I had a couple drinks earlier. To ease the day along yeah well Woody were you never a

big drinker back in like college or is this just something that tapered off I retired in high school yeah I started drinking at like 12 or 13 and I wrapped up at like 17 it's very mature I like that

you were just offloaded by a lot that's 12 that's like the way jim norton did it where he i mean he like quit drinking when he was like 18 he used to talk about it on ona all the time and it was like he'll still talk about it like he couldn't go back and have like one drink now which who knows maybe we're talking about yeah jim norton he knows himself better than i know him obviously but it's like i don't know when you meet someone who like quit drinking at like 18 it's like you didn't even know who you were at that time like you could have another drink right now and be like i don't know why i used to like this so much yeah not for me or you might go oh

i'll do this every once in a while okay or who knows maybe you would become a full-blown alcoholic because now it's kind of like in a shrine in your mind of, you know, oh, this is the great evil to avoid. But, yeah, that was always a little entertaining to listen to him talk about that. And it's like, what? You're talking about it like you were a junkie. Like you weren't a junkie. You don't even have liver damage. Do you mean him or I already came out?

No, no, no, not you, Jim. Jim. Okay, yeah, yeah. For me, I became an athlete around that time time and I cleaned up all kinds of diet stuff. I'd even drink soda or whatever. It's so weird. It was like the exact opposite. Like I was an athlete and then I went to college and I was like, holy shit.

Beer is great, guys. You know about this. Like who kept this from me? Oh, I did. Yeah. You guys get a load of this. You got you got to try this. The first thing I ever drank. Oh, I did, yeah. You guys, get a load of this. You got to try this stuff. It's called Budweiser.

It comes in a big can. The first thing I ever drank, ever, in high school was, because I didn't get started, like, what are you, in middle school. I drank in high school, though, and it was Bacardi 151. And one of, Bacardi 151, it's 151 proof. So what you guys, what you right now what he is 80 proof yeah so you and but I had no experience with alcohol and so my friend's older brother who was back from like college like he wasn't like eight years old enough or whatever he was like yeah you guys can do you know whatever you want I don't give a shit just don't bother me and I was like do you have like stuff to drink like we're gonna have a bunch of people over there if you're just setting up invitations.

And he was like, yeah, I got a bottle of rum in my closet. He's like, you good with that? And I'm like, sure. I'm a kid. I have no idea. And I'm like, yeah. And so I went back there and took a couple pretty big guzzles of it. And because I had no point of reference,

I'm like, man, alcohol's bad. Oh, ooh, ah. I feel hot. And I was, within 15 minutes, like I started to feel it, and I was feeling good. And I was like, I want this to continue. I'm going to go back in that closet and drink some more of that Bacardi 151.

I got fucking shithoused on it and i was so drunk i was just like okay but now i'm like i'm just gonna switch to beer because i don't want to get too drunk you're already gone dude like you've taken like five holes of 151 and you're a kid you know uh, that was a horrible first drinking memory. I also was appreciating how cool the slate tile was that evening. I've told this story before, but I don't know if everyone knows it. I was in seventh grade, so I was either 12 or 13 years old. And in Ocean City in the wintertime, because it's a resort town. In Maryland or New Jersey?

I'll make up a number. 75% of the houses are empty, something like that. And being complete assholes, we just considered the empty houses to be ours as well. So we broke into them and stole their alcohol. And we would bring girls with us and try to get them to do things. Yeah. And we did some shit. But I didn't get late or anything not at 12

but uh but um uh that's what we would do we would go to these homes we would steal their alcohol and as far as what we drank i don't know we called it a kamikaze which i've later learned is an actual drink but i thought a kamikaze was when you took a little bit of every drink so they wouldn't notice it was missing an irish garbage bag when you took a little bit of every drink so they wouldn't notice it was missing I call it a little bit of everything that's what we drank that was the worst like we would do that at my friend's place because his parents like this is also in high school where they had an awesome liquor cabinet but of course you can't grab one bottle and guzzle it down he'll be like where's my maker's mark oh you guys maybe you drank the entire thing and

forgot I don't know like no yeah so you just have like a giant like juice glass where you'd take like a little like third of a shot from everything and it was vile it was like yeah it doesn't always mix you're like I'm just trying yeah here's the thing I was such a i lived so far away from all the people in high school um like 45 minutes away that i never got invited out to the parties or when i did i was like well how do i like i i don't know people well enough at school that i could lie and be like mom i'm going to jay's house but i wasn't going to jay's house so um one night my friend locally was like hey man you know your parents don't drink a lot my parents don't drink a lot but

what if we combined our resources let's skim off the top and like uh my parents are gone you come over for a sleepover like your mom will be fine we'll play halo all night and i was like oh hell yeah so i i like got a water a plastic water bottle and i it was like not even halfway full of just a myriad of disgusting shit and that was the first time i think i was like 16 i was like this i we watched infomercials and my friend was like dude shaking your head is so heavy i was like okay he's like no you gotta try it it's really heavy it's about it that's all the that's all the fun we had i was yeah, infomercials were pretty cool. We were too drunk to play Halo. You were drunk enough to not appreciate it?

Yeah, I was drunk enough to not play the game you gave me there for. I was just like, this isn't that great. And then I didn't go back until literally college. And then I was like, oh, never mind. You know what I don't understand? I don't understand why kids don't make their own liquor. Now, I know why I didn't. I didn't know how. Are you kidding? You know how hard it is to distill it is it's so fucking easy that it's criminal it literally it's it's sugar a child

doing it it is it's sugar juice uh hot water and yeast right like yeah and you just put it in a bucket in a dark bucket but the problem is you have to put it you have to make it like when your dad comes out and you're just like oh this it's a science project yeah he wouldn't know you know put it in your closet put it under your bed whatever you know and the longer you wait stronger it gets you know you got some wine grade stuff so much easier to play hey mister and get a guy to get like go buy you alcohol oh yeah my friends have all played the hey mister the first time i got caught drinking and was going to get in trouble for it uh i left my phone like playing music or something like that and i got a text and my mom checked it because it was playing music for like outside of the pool where my friends and i were and because people were still coming over and so

she checked it and she came out and she was like up here! And I was like, something's awry. And so I went up there and was like, whoa, what's up? And she's like, you want to explain this to me? And my friend had texted me like, I'm on the way. I didn't forget to bring shot glasses this time, ha-ha, or whatever. And I was like, I don't know. We were only going to drink a little bit. And she's like, you tell all of your friends to go home right now.

And so I had to tell my friends to go and like, just sit in my room for a while and wait. And then my parents, my dad got home, they're going to give me a little talk. And it was like, they got home and they said, we're going to talk to you about this tomorrow. We're going to talk about, you know, to ourselves, you know, a little parental communal meeting over this. And then we'll talk to you about it tomorrow. And I was all right well i guess i'll just sweat this out and hope i'm not in too much trouble i'll be going to college in like a year i guess so it's not too bad they can't really get me the next day uh some things were you know came to understanding between my parents and it became clear that they were going to oh they came down and they're going to talk to me about it but the news they gave me instead was we're getting a divorce

well you were out of the hot seat so i didn't get in a lick of trouble i was like well i'm going to my friend's house then and they were like like, well, now I need some booze. It wasn't like this had been a long time coming. It wasn't like a huge, huge shock. But it was almost like a macabre feeling of like, man, that kind of sucks. But somebody is going to get to do whatever they want until college. No. Anyway.

So my purpose for drinking at 12 or 13 wasn't really to get drunk it was just to get somebody to touch my penis that was my main goal that was that was really what the all the alcohol was about to the problem yeah so uh so with that goal accomplished they're drunk i remember um like me my buddy and and his friend who was a girl i don't know i meant whatever we're like talking on the phone and this is old schools like three of us have our ear up by the phone and someone asked the girl how big my dick was now regular watchers of the show know that at 12 or 13 i had not ridden on the puberty train yet. Right? I hadn't visited the station.

And so I'm just like, fuck, they're asking how big my dick is. This is it. And she's like a sand crab halfway through burying back in the beach. And she goes, I don't know, like medium? And externally I was like, huh. But internally I'm like,

fuck yeah! Fuck medium, bitches! Medium! That's what she said it fits most people who's Mr. Medium now it's medium but I will advise you it is slim fit oh no holy shit

so that was my story that's funny alright oh Kylie didn't wait for us alright I didn't wait I did mine So that was my story. That's funny. All right. Oh, Kylie didn't wait for us. All right. I didn't wait. I did mine, like, right after the first one. Yeah, I saw Tucker go ahead, and I wanted to keep up. Oh, okay.

Well, I'm doing mine right now, then. Fuck. I'll be cruising. I just, you know, we all have to be on the same trajectory. I got worried. I'm going to drink as well over here. Man, that's tasty. I got to say, there's a bit of sugar in it,

and maybe that turns some people off, but this Grand Gala, I could do a commercial for this thing. Honestly, you already have done a commercial. It is tasty. Oh, yeah. It is delicious. It gets you drunk. It gets you drunk.

Samuel Jackson beer. It gets you drunk. It gets you drunk. Samuel Jackson beer. It's good beer. Why are you yelling? Oh, man. Say that again, Tucker? I said I would never... That's something that I would drink as a dessert over time.

Like I wouldn't... Are you telling me Kyle steered me wrong? No, he's shooting straight vodka, Woody. Yeah, I'm also not like... Like I wouldn't- What, friend gala? Or anything sugary. Are you telling me Kyle steered me wrong? No! He's shooting straight vodka, Woody. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm also not like- I'm also like not the person to ask. Yeah.

Okay, okay. I'd rather- well, I'd rather ten seconds of it being like a surgeon's room in my mouth and then nothing than it be like five minutes of like Willy Wonka nutting in my mouth. It's not entirely unpleasant. So I don't like the actual drinking of it. But the aftertaste is kind of a smooth, warm. Is it burning you at all? Or is it kind of like, oh, this isn't what I expected it to be.

It's really orangey. The latter, for sure. Yeah. Which is a great point. of like oh this isn't what i expected it to be it's really orangey the latter for sure yeah great point but like you've already gotten past the hard part it's only going to get tastier as the night go on that is dangerous i'm familiar with this effect yeah no what what is a hard shot in the beginning is an easy glug later on yeah this is like Shasta. Fuck. I like that vodka that Tucker has.

That is literally my favorite vodka. Is it because it's American made? Pretty cheap too. It's made in Austin. It's a handmade vodka. I know some people who know the people who own that company and they introduced me to that in like 2000 shit. I don't know, maybe maybe 2012 you can't see through this bottle at all no you can't it is opaque yeah this is uh i'm not i wasn't the type of person that would go out and buy

liquor by by name or like by anything other than well this doesn't look like bottom of the barrel and it's also not top of the barrel therefore Therefore I will purchase this new Amsterdam or whatever it was. But once I had this, cause they started selling them on airplanes. Like it was the, uh, it was Virgin, uh, America's like, uh, vodka of choice. So when you'd get a drink there, they'd always hand you Tito's. And I was like, you know, for an airplane drink, this actually tastes pretty good. Every single time I got on. So I was like, okay, let's try a regular bottle and then now in la every bar has tito's as they're like please buy our premium shit no gray goose no belvedere so they're on you or me yeah i definitely oh yeah i every every time it doesn't matter if a 6 a.m flight or an 8 p.m flight like i'm drinking on that airplane i get uh bloody marys if i'm

flying yes i i like that a lot uh i'm a big fan of that yeah bloody marys yeah i hate those i'm often flying early you know and that's the morning drink uh you know they look at you a little funny sir it's 6 a.m come on come on yeah I know you got it. Nobody has ever looked at me funny for ordering a Bloody Mary at 6 a.m. It's 10 a.m. somewhere. Maybe where are you going? Yeah, probably. So I got a couple of clips here, a couple of topics that have accompanying media. So there is the 750-pound woman who has married a chef,

and he is supporting her goal to become the world's fattest woman. If you're going to do it, it's nice to have a chef at home feeding you rather than... This is an old thing. No, she's married to this other chef. This was from 2012, so she's probably dead. Oh, she's dead now. Okay.

No, probably. She weighs 750 pounds six years ago. Well, what's her name? Susan Iman. She doesn't have a name. Just type monster. Just type glutton. She's got a Twitter, guys. Sloth. Oh, no. Our last tweet is from 2015.

Happy 4th, everyone. I hope you're enjoying a nice fattening barbecue feast like I am. TFW, your left side goes numb. I have a story about the Russian football hoolooligans who if i'm going to be honest are fucking terrifying yes they are to the i guess the there's a a big football game coming up there in russia maybe between them and the uk or england and uh you know they just had that whole spat with the the russians poisoning the guy and everything and all the tariffs and the UK buying back. Well, the hooligans seem a bit – I guess they're very political, the football hooligans. And their message to the English fans was, don't come here unless you want to die.

And you can see if you click this link and scroll down, they are literally training. And you can see, if you click this link and scroll down, they are literally training. They are literally training to attack people at the football game. One bragged, they should, quote, prepare to die. While another said, they'd better go to the gym and prepare themselves somehow. So these guys don't have a gym, though. They just sort of fight in the woods. guys don't have a gym though they just sort of fight in the woods uh you can see here he's got they've got tires around a tree and they're beating the tires as practice for this this whole thing that's their punching bag in russia i guess uh these guys are fucking terrifying

i mean i knew we'd swing around to fitness talk eventually i mean it's like straight rocky it's a tentpole topic wow look at this dude i can't man football hooligans are already pretty rambunctious i'll say russian ones there's just something about russian people where it seems like they always take it to the next level they've got exceptional lower body strength because they're always squatting in the chairs they've got explosive jumps look look that's a face of a lot of frustrated men at the state of their country and they're going to take it out on that other football fan in the tree and these are some fit guys it looks like how do you get the tires over the trees aren't there branches up higher you jump wait i didn't even think about trees get bigger at the top i know you put the

tree at the bottom put the tires on and then put that's it that's it literally one of the dumb you know they probably cut the tire they probably cut the tires you know they force themselves back together it doesn't matter you know they're they're beating tires in the woods is training you know i i wish you could zoom in and like is is that Habib Nurmagomedov? Yeah, he's out there with a bunch of tires. I hope they actually fight and it gets on video. Me too. Why do this? It's always on video.

That's their thing. For those who don't know, being a football hooligan is like a thing all around the world and all the countries. And these guys literally go to the football game with not really the intent of caring about the game, although clearly they do. They're there to do violence, and they're often caught with the weaponry that they bring is really interesting. It's sort of like, you know,

prisons have their own brand of weaponry because of the security and the lack of materials. Football hooligans have their own brand of weaponry due to security and, you know, the sort of damage they're looking to do. Apparently, they bring darts a lot. Darts. You can just, like, stab people.

Darts at people. No, they're doing, like, random violence against people. They want to hurl those darts into the crowd of English fans or, you know, Brazilian, whoever. Right. What assholes.holes yes that's a spirited thing you get darted you'll lose an eye maybe correct a tooth if it's against england who knows but like that oh well think about it the the if they get caught in a fight, in a riot, right,

you get a misdemeanor for maybe like being drunk in public and like causing a nuisance. But if you assault somebody, that's assault. But not in – if you do it at a sporting event, it's just you're out there rioting. You can get away with more. You get lost in the mix. Oh, yeah, you definitely can.

If it's a sports riot, you can get away with most things. A friend of mine, so back in 2009, 2010 or whatever, Mizzou won a big game against Oklahoma at Mizzou. And we were all there. And afterward, everybody stormed the field and tore the uprights out and they started parading it down the street. And my buddy was one of the first seven people there to to start running and of the i don't know tens and tens and tens of thousands

of people who did it he and six others were the only ones who got arrested because there's only so many cops like they pin one person down it's like hey the rest of you ah damn it they know i'm stuck with this guy now like i can't get up. So he got arrested and they ended up letting it go. Just because it was like, are you going to really do this? 45,000 other people. And he didn't even steal the uprights. He's like, I would not have stolen the uprights. I was just going to

celebrate. See, he wasn't even going to steal the uprights. He was just going to celebrate a victory. All right, get out of here, you scamp. It's not like Mizzou's going to win another big game. There's no risk of this. Let them have their one time. So this other video that I linked is

a man who was caught breaking into a school, I believe, and sniffing the girl's shoes. And the best part is that wouldn't be... Well, if you skip to 30 seconds into this video Yeah, I'll relink it just to have it up front center there if you go to 30 seconds here

They got him on hidden camera. I don't know why there's a hidden camera in this little girl's school But there is and this guy he looks he knows that he's up to no good yeah it's in japan or korea one of those squiggly letter countries yeah yeah oh my god i'm at 30 seconds do you want to watch this yeah i'd love to one moment please i'm fitting into the screen and i'm a little bothering this is like there's like people in the room with him. You know who didn't get caught? The guy who set this fucking camera. He's like, uh, security cam, duh. Oh no, camera 4 is on the news! Are we ready?

Yeah, we're ready. Take a code that they don't know 1 through 3! Ready, set, play. ...he's like, I think... I think maybe he snuck a few of the shoes to the bathroom, Nala baby. He's like I think I think maybe he was bathroom maybe but now he's like oh Yeah, that black boot She's got all fours and looking through the shoes looking for his favorite not any is good enough

I think he's rating him based on smell. Oh, I take it. This a hood for later That thing is like why you got a stuff it like it like if you were just carrying the shoes in the hallway Cuz he's leaving. He's gonna go fuck that fucking pair of Nikes bro. Look at he came out with a hood on. Yoshi, it's a fourth pair of shoes you lose in school this week. Hold on now. Are we even sure like what's illegal about this? Well, he stole the little girl's shoes. Are we even sure? Like, what's illegal about this? Well, he stole the little girl's shoes. I don't think he put them back.

I don't. He was borrowing those shoes. You know what? You're right. I don't know what the legal thing is, but there should be a legal precedent said, can we all agree? And then if everybody in the whole courtroom is kind of like, fucking weirdo, they're like, then it's settled. What's reasonable for this? We've got to work at adult footlocker.

Train himself out of this fetish. Something. Anything. But yeah, I wouldn't want this man smelling my little boy or girl shoes. What do you think he was doing with those shoes when he got them back home that he couldn't do there in that room? Sticking his dick in them. No, I don't think he was fucking them. I think he was wearing them like a gas mask. them back home that he couldn't do there in that room. He was wearing them like, no. I don't think he was fucking them.

I think he was wearing them like a gas mask. I think you huff them while you masturbate. Oh, yeah. That's totally what he's doing. Oh, you're probably right. I feel like he could have handled that better. I don't think he was putting his dick in those shoes. That's why he was picking the smaller sizes. I just don't think that's the sensation you're going for.

I think maybe one of them is on his face like a gas mask. Like, he even takes the laces off and wraps it around his head. That's what I said. He ties it around. like a gas mask. He even takes the laces off. That's what I said. He ties it around. Like a fucking samurai. And then he's got the other one, and he's stroking it, but he's sticking the head between the laces, right? Getting a little friction going there.

I think he's fucking those Nikes. Fucking a Nike doesn't sound good to me. Don't knock it until you've tried it, Woody. When you assume you make an ass out of you and me. Fair enough. I'm not putting my dick in those Nikes. You wanna fuck the kind that have the little pump so that you can make them tighter? That's good thinking. Yeah, for Mr. Medium over here.

I meant, Mr. Medium. You get athletes' dick. You get athlete's dick That's good Yeah I mean shit I just don't see how you Like you'd have to bend your dick It would be uncomfortable

Or like untie the shoe all the way And then you're just fucking air I'm trying to get into the mind of this I'm really trying to We're talking strictly Then the sensation of putting a shoe up to your face is horrible.

That's awful, too. Woody's fine. My headset feels tighter. Japanese guy been fucking it. I love stories like this. It almost looked like the dude was looking at the camera

how little of a camera was that to those of you out there listening it was the fucking liberals Soros paid him to sniff shoes he was sniffing shoes to offset the fluoride in the water little known thing little kids feet sweat out a gland

a gland that goes away when you're about 11 I actually sell it, it's artificial of course we're not pedophiles here yeah those cameras are tiny you know those cameras are really tight they're literally the size of a postage stamp uh you can get them right off amazon or wherever you buy your spy cameras like it wasn't like it was like a weird angle looking from a corner like it was a perfect shot i'm guessing I'm guessing some shoes had gone missing, right? And they were like, who the fuck is stealing the children's shoes during nap time? It's got to be Mr. Miyagi over there who's clutching something under his shirt with a hard-on.

Like, let's set up a camera and find out for sure. Is it the guy who always walks around with lots of pairs of shoes? Well, that would be too obvious. We are dealing with a mastermind. I just imagine finding that pair of shoes. It's like finding a murder victim's body. Jesus Christ. All strewn out like a rape victim's body.

Strewn out. The laces are all akimbo the tongue is you can tell that imagine the investigators looking over it crime scene photos being snapped you tell he pulled the tongue right out the guys are there vomiting

he can't stand to see getting together rookie took out the insert too the entire race is completely removed. You could tell. He pulled the insole out while he stuck it between the laces, and he ripped the tongue clean out. Dear God, Mike.

What kind of man does this? We hear that many children complain of a sticky sock. man i wonder like i wonder how long this guy had been doing that until he was caught and how many people how many shoes do shit like that how many people get away with it did he come back for more did he did he multiple classrooms? Was he, you know, I got a lot of questions. You got to imagine that he's been looking for any and every opportunity to, you don't know if it's little girls' shoes that he's into, although it seems that way, or if it's all dirty shoes, or if it's women's shoes.

Like, it's one of the three. And I would like to think that with a fetish like this, it's oddly specific. Like, he'd be like, grown a woman's shoe? No, thank you. I like to think that he only wants an eight-year-old girl's sweaty pair of, like, gym shoes.

Yeah, he wants the veal of shoes. Exactly. Young, tender. They don't get too sweaty. Just right. exactly they don't they don't get too sweaty just right that's pretty fucked I bet there's a lot more people than you would think out there stealing children's shoes smelling them

because until right now I would have thought the number was was close to zero zero yeah there's there's there's porn for everything like literally everything so i have no no problem believing that there would be probably many more at least a dozen other shoe thieves oh yeah i don't know shoes are one or feet are one of the most common fetishes like of the i don't get that one i so don't like like i don't i follow a girl on instagram who does

like you know like like daily like dirty videos uh and you have to pay to be part of her instagram or her her snapchat i i don't pay i was i was gifted uh a membership by her she just she's like yeah she's like honestly you just need to see me naked, Kyle. That's literally what happened. Do we know who this gal is? Yeah, and so every now and then I look, and it's just like, ah, what? Why are – this is all feet? It's all feet today? Come on.

Yesterday we were outdoors masturbating, and the day before there was, like, bunny ears and a butt plug. And today it's feet. It's 2018 though i i think that i think that out of all of the fetishes all the things that i have i i know people do feet are just weird they're not gross there are so many gross things that i that i've had the misfortune of coming across on my many years on the internet yeah i just feet people are the most vocal ones like for whatever reason you go well what's your fetish and then somebody will always go but he likes feet like why is the feet so high up on the list here i i think it i don't know that it's that high i think maybe they're just not as ashamed as they probably

should be uh of their of their kink um because it's just first of all it's all, it's not that bad, right? Some girls have cute feet. I could definitely differentiate between cute feet and gross feet or whatever. Everybody knows what nasty feet look like. And I would suck a girl's toes. I have sucked a girl's toes, but I'll stick them in my mouth if they're clean. It'll be fun.

I've had a girl suck my toes. It feels really good. Shockingly good. It's literally like 50% as good as her sucking your dick. It feels good. It's kind of ticklish. It's not bad when a dog licks your toes. Put some peanut butter on there. See what's up.

Moving on. I'm pretty sure that's a crime in at least eight states. The feet fetish thing, like, I don't judge it. I don't get it. Yeah, I don't judge it. But, like, if a girl has, like, if it's something a girl's into

and she makes sure they're clean, like, exactly right before, and she's like, I'm going to suck your toes or something, I'm like, yeah, sure. If you want that, I'll do that. As long as I watch you use soap and water first. No, no, no.

And then I will carry you and not let you touch my fucking floor. I've known lesbian girls specifically that their thing was they liked licking dirty feet. Now that I will not abide. Of other girls. And I was like, how dirty? And she's like, the dirtier the better. That honestly sounds like a submissive thing. It is.

It absolutely is. It would be submissive a different way. Get tied up. Like an adult. She would walk around for days barefoot in the grocery store, out in her yard. She'd step and gross things on purpose. And then she'd be like clean them and i'd have to lick them till they were just shining and perfect and pink and i was just like that's

great that's great that's it's awesome that's what i like see oh i thought that maybe it would be like a little like a like sucking toes are just like mini dicks on your feet when you think about it. So that in that regard, someone put that against like an inspirational poster background. Penises on your feet. I mean, yeah, so I can kind of get like sucking. Yeah. Oh, no. Toe sucking gay.

What if you're sucking a lady's toes? They're not a lady right yes sucking toes isn't gay i just it's just confusing deep down i don't think i have an idea taylor you i didn't hear i don't hear anything you're saying sorry i muted myself uh i was trying to find other weird fucked up sexual shit and i've been watching a lot of uh this guy's content named mr medeker recently he is hilarious he's to thank for the pause loads uh discussion we had like a few months back and he does this series on deviant art and i'm not an artiste and so i didn't really know anything about deviant art but apparently it's not just a place where people make art. It's like weird ass fucking sexual fetishes like adult diapers. this friend of mine in my class wanted to be an artist. And she would always,

and she was the first person that ever told me about anime. And she always was drawing some shit. And I'm like, what is this? This is not a human. She's like, no, dude, it's anime. I was like, okay, cool. She's like, I'm an artist.

You should check out my DeviantArt profile. So on the school computer, I go to DeviantArt.com. And then she tells me, like I know her name, so I just search her name not her like screen name and like 50 of the images was just like like i like just really crudely drawn porn and i'm sitting there in the computer lab in fourth grade looking around

realizing that like this is all not where i want to be so i like close out and i ask her i was like is this wrong she's like no that's totally the website. Never went back, have not heard about DeviantArt literally until now, again. So the fact that it's still around is wild. If you're looking for a hoot, look up Mr. Medeker's channel, and he's got a whole series on DeviantArt shit, and

it's hysterical. But one of the, there's a fetish called Vore. I know about this. V-O-R-E. V-O-R-E. Like as in like, I guess like voracious or something. Yeah.

Like carnivore, like what you eat. Yes. Carnivore, omnivore, yeah. And it's a fetish about eating people or being eaten by people. I watched one of his videos about like a giantess thing where it's like a bunch of uh what he described as manlets a manlet fetish of you know wanting to be stepped like wanting to women to be like 30 feet tall and like step on you yeah and like we're just odd things like the kind of thing that like you'll read it and be like what the fuck and i've got a paragraph here on vor or a couple paragraphs i could read read it from dbnr uh and i to really drive it home you need to know

that when people are reading this and writing it more likely than not they're masturbating the entire time so this isn't for fun should we be you're welcome i haven't stopped yet you you better get it done before that whiskey i knew you i have this posture so here is uh this one is called uh a new technique on debian art under vore oh boy so what am i learning today sakura asked as she followed sunadi into her office oh no you'llsunade replied, licking her lips. They saw Shizun waiting outside Tsunade's office door. They're ready, lady Tsunade, Shizun said, bowing her head. What's ready, Sakura asked, confused.

Like I said, Tsunade said, leading her inside. You'll see. It's written by a Japanese guy, so that's why some of this is fucked. Also, this is terrible, right? Yeah, I'm really trying. I'm,'m like having to translate this in real time. They came inside, greeted by an odd sight. There were two men on the desk, arms and legs tied together.

Their mouths were gagged and they were dressed in nothing but underwear. Lady Tsunade, Sakura was even more confused now. What is this? Who are they? She asked, spitting out both questions. This is a new technique I'm going to show you, Tsunade answered, walking over to the desk. She picked up the larger man by the back of his neck, holding him in the front of her face. And these two are dinner. She said, smiling, not waiting for Sakura's reply. She subbed the man's whole head into her mouth, her lips closing

on his neck. She swallowed, her mouth widening over his shoulders. She grabbed her meal by the waist, using it to push him in. She swallowed again, reaching his chest. With another swallow, she pulled in his stomach. Taking a large gulp, her mouth slid over his waist. Seeing Sakura stare at her with a mix of shock and horror, she swallowed again, pulling in his knees. As her stomach began to expand, she swallowed his shins, reaching his feet.

Finally, she made the last swallow forcing him down sunadi let her groaning stomach hang out reaching about three feet ahead of her with a loud belch she returned to face her student so hick what do you think she asked rubbing her belly you you you sakura couldn't seem to get her mind around this everybody i'm gonna nut! Even the Sakura not liking it. Sakura couldn't seem to get her mind around this. Her mentor, who had just swallowed a man whole.

The outline in her stomach showed her it had actually happened. Then again, sort of the stomach itself. I wouldn't worry about him, Tsunade said, grabbing the other one. These two are on death row anyway. What a weird person writing death row inmates for consumption. I didn't read this whole thing first.

I just scanned it to make sure it was what I thought it was. She said, pushing the second one's head into her mouth. A few minutes later, he's going for two! A few minutes later, Tsunade felt the feet slide down her throat, her belly expanding to nearly six feet. She let her stomach settle before turning to her still dumbfounded student. Sorry, she said, patting her stomach.

That last one was for you, she chuckled, rubbing her shifting belly. What? Sakura shrieked, jumping back. I guess I can call for another. I doubt you can stomach two already, she said, stepping out for a moment to tell Shizun. In a few minutes, she returned, carrying a new man with her. She placed him down in front of Sakura, stepping back.

Go on, eat him, she encouraged. Sakura nodded, taking him by the shoulders. She forced his head into her mouth, shocked as her jaw moved to encompass his head. I'd be shocked too. Oh, yeah. With a swallow, she surprised even more as her mouth shocked as her jaw moved to encompass his head with a swallow oh yeah with a swallow she surprised even more as her mouth went around his shoulders with a little more confidence she swallowed again pulling in his chest gripping him by the waist sakura wolf down his stomach pushing him even faster with another swallow she took in his waist as her mouth moved over his

waist she swallowed again reaching the thighs she took a large gulp pulling in the knees and then reached his ankles. Like her mentor, she quickly swallowed, forcing the man down into her belly, leaning her head back, letting her massive stomach hang out, reaching about three feet ahead of her. The man's outline clear in her flesh. Wow, Sakura

gasped in shock delight. How long is this thing? When are you nuts? This is a chapter four. This is part one of 62. Wow, Sakura gasped in shocked delight. I ate him alive. She grabbed her belly, feeling over the huge orb of flesh. Looks like it, Tsunade said, her stomach begging,

beginning to churn loudly. You should go home, she said, going back to her desk. He's gonna take a while to digest. Sakura nodded, walking to the door. A few hours later, she was at her home Sitting on her bed Her stomach was somewhat smaller than earlier But still massive

Sakura was on the phone, calling Naruto Yeah, he picked up Wait, this is a Naruto fucking This is a Tucker seems to know about Naruto This is a Naruto fucking More I was like, why do all these names Sound so familiar Oh! Tucker seems to know about Naruto. This is a Naruto fucking war. I was like, why do all these names sound so

familiar? See, I don't recognize, I just thought they were all Japanese names, but I've heard of Naruto before, so I guess... So Sakura was on the phone, calling Naruto. Yeah, he picked up. Hey, I just learned a new technique, Sakura said excitedly. Alright, when can I see it?

Naruto asked. Oh, she said, patting her gut. How about you come over? hey i just learned a new technique sakura said excitedly all right when can i see it naruto asked oh she said patting her gut how about you come over i want to show you after dinner this is this is the girl that was that is degenerate as fuck who even thinks to masturbate to something like this is so wrong like first like it's so it's fantastic. Nobody's tits were out. No, there were no titties. And it's so fantastical as well to imagine that. I'm picturing tiny men. I'm trying to envision.

No, these are real people. Yeah, right? How do you consume a whole man? I'm going to type in poor on DeviantArt. I should have not done that without Sixer. So when you said that's... Oh, Litterotica has so much crazy stuff. A lot of these are like

animal people eating each other. There's some Pokemon doing it. Mermaid being by her alligator friend. Yeah, Chiz is saying that over on literatica there's a a lot more of these uh very similar fan fiction for those of you who don't know literatica.com has i don't know how many dirty stories on it thousands tens of thousands and the the categories alone will will shock you okay like like there are there are stories about every weird thing that you can imagine happening between human beings and

sort of human beings and animals and aliens and plants if you wanted to find a story about a plant raping a man right now i guarantee guarantee it's on Literotica. I guarantee there's a story about a plant raping a man on Literotica. I don't doubt it. I'm a little bummed that Literotica sounds degenerate. I'm bummed you guys don't have any fanfic. Oh, get out of here. You know which direction that would head.

Just stop. Oh my god, that one picture of Kyle in my guard is going to come up a lot. It's going to be Chiz's big head eating both of you. Oh, who's calling who big head? The pot called the kettle black. Kyle slid down Chiz's throat. He rubbed his stomach and said, yummy. And Kyle called Naruto. down chis's throat he rubbed his stomach and said yummy and kyle called naruto i am in a chis's belly and i love it there's a lot of kicker shakes in here

drowning in an unprocessed stat oh god like wings. Like, wings. Have you got wings involved with this, too? Like, I can envision wings eating a person, though, right? He pulled one banquet meal out of the fridge, turning away, deciding that's not enough. Turning back to find another. Someone posted a thing the other day. Like, I had went and looked up banquet meals. Not looked them up, but I saw them at the grocery store.

I took a snap and I sent it to the guys. They're like $1.23 a piece. And then someone was like, they're 50% off. Look. They were like, I can't do the math of what half of that is right now, but they were like $79. Wait. That's a pretty good bargain.

I've never had a banquet meal. I've had them before. Wings of Redemption eats banquet meals on stream quite a bit. Yeah, it's his go-to frozen dinner. I have to say that the only reason you're doing this is solely out of being too... You just have to really not want to put any effort into making your food because for in five minutes you can make better tasting meals for maybe 80 cents more like none of this is appetizing yeah make bacon and eggs instead of that it'd be almost as fast and so much better

so much better why can't you just you could microwave actual chicken tenders like if you really wanted to go that route. Get Uncle Ben's ready rice. Takes 90 seconds to make, and it's great. I got some Uncle Ben's in here, too. Or jambalaya. Jambalaya is the best flavor. Does it come with mechanically separated chicken and pork patties?

Uncle Ben's ready rice. Do you have to add any other ingredients to it? Not even water? No, nothing. And it's actually really good you just break it up tear the top part halfway and then microwave it for 90 seconds it's good right you lost me that's already a lot of prep compared to a banquet meal you literally open it up you put it it's less prep look at the banquet meal picture that i posted that is the most foul slab of anything I've seen. What a sad piece of meat that is. Look at it.

It's got the grill marks. They probably, people eating in FEMA tents eat better than this. Yeah, Wings has been on Lexapro, and although it technically hasn't kicked in yet, the placebo effect is in full swing. And he's been like... He hasn't raged. He hasn't yelled at anybody. I noticed the content has all dried up. Yeah. He lost his edge. This isn't even like beef. This is like

retired circus bear from Ukraine. This is a don't ask, don't tell. Here's 20 bucks. Let us ship this truck in. I'm sorry, Olaf, but you've ridden your last tricycle. I used to eat something like this as a kid. I'm sorry, Olaf, but you've ridden your last tricycle. I used to eat something like this as a kid. Me too.

Lean cuisine is what I used to eat. Mine was Hungry Man Dinners. Yeah, Hungry Man. It came in that same, like, that tray looks so familiar to me. I have a memory of, like, carefully pulling off the plastic film across the top. But, like, you have to read the instructions because sometimes the film doesn't come off one of the corners. Sometimes you just puncture the film over some things. Sure, or peel the corner.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And yeah, so I... Dude, Hungry Man dinners are not that bad. And I bake mine. Really? If I'm going to eat one, I bake it. They have a boneless chicken breast thing it's like two chicken breasts mashed potatoes and either a brownie or like some cinnamon apples

and some corn and stuff it's fucking tasty it's good it's not bad like it's funny to be like i'm gonna have a hungry man but i'm gonna take the 15 minute baking no no no 45 minutes it takes 45 minutes to bake holy shit shit. Just order food. Dude, a microwave is a chef's best friend, Chiz. Get out of here. I refuse to use my microwave. I hate it. I like it for popcorn and for

warming up leftovers. That's different. Yes. Love it. I don't guess. Sometimes if I'm in a rush, I'll do a sweet potato in there or a potato in there. It's like an hour in the fucking oven or five minutes in the microwave. Potatoes, there's certain products that are microwave okay. There's not much difference.

But I'm not going to put any meat. Yes, puppies. But I'm not going to put any meat product in a microwave and microwave it. That's gross. To cook it, no. I wouldn't do that. To defrost it, puppies. But I'm not going to put any meat product in a microwave and microwave it. Like, that's gross. Yeah, to cook it? No, I wouldn't do that. To defrost it, maybe. To defrost it, but then I'm going to put it in the oven or do something else with it.

Everyone knows meat belongs on the George Foreman grill. That's how we roll. Oh, my God. The George Foreman grill. Cook all that fat and flavor out. Let it drip into the pan and dispose of it wait i think i'm my dad used to make stovetop popcorn and it was amazing it was really good it was way better than bagged popcorn you're totally right i love it way more way more effort you know it's almost

like a cathartic thing though like on like a cold night or something and you have some popcorn like add a little oil in it you're like this will be fun i'll do that i didn't like the metal on metal scraping that's involved like it give me the heebie-jeebies oh no you have a plastic coated spoon or you get a popcorn uh maker it's just like a little tumbler and you just turn it slowly no it's like it came in like a little tinfoil frying pan you build us this isn't 1920 What are you talking about Jiffy Pop? Yeah, okay? Yeah, I am shake it and it goes So I know what you're talking about and then you cut it open and it's always burned You're like I can get a couple more pops out of this bitch. I can get this bigger.

I still get the Jiffy Pop. I really like the whole stove top thing. You shake it. The metal doesn't bother you at all? You're completely immune to it? It doesn't bother me. I have a gas oven. Maybe you do too.

There's the little platform that the pot would sit sit on top of somehow scraping that metal on the metal during the cooking process is like freaky to me yeah i can't imagine that you're the one doing it anyway when i was a kid yeah yeah right like like i don't like i know what you mean metal doesn't do it to me. Like feeling like paper, like rub up against other paper. I hate that feeling. Oh, no, that doesn't bother me. That one's not me. I used to eat – my brother had a friend. Licking envelopes makes – I'm getting like goosebumps right now thinking about licking an envelope.

My brother had a friend. Whenever he ate off a fork, he would put the fork against his upper teeth, and it would sound like unsheathing a sword. It would be like, eee! And that, like, that would have bothered me. What an asshole. Yeah, that would bother everyone. That is disgusting. Mine is the feel of, like, rubbing cotton balls together.

That's sweet. I don't understand that one at all. I could rub cotton balls together all day. I don't get it. I'm glad that you guys have something. It really makes me mad. Because I felt like a special needs kid or something when I was the only one. I can't even touch cotton balls.

I can't either. What am I missing about them? It squeaks and it sucks. I can't touch them. I could play in a ball pit of cotton balls and it would bug me. Just single cotton balls. No, I can't touch it. I can't touch it. It actually bothers me thinking about it. It bothers me thinking touch it. I can't touch it.

It actually bothers me thinking about it. It bothers me thinking about it. It's like watching someone vomit. I have no problem watching people puke. It's just that the only thing is that and like chewing on dry paper. Like put a wad of dry paper. It's just...

Imagine taking a manila envelope and giving yourself a paper cut. Put it between your toes. Yeah. It's just. Oh, imagine taking a manila envelope. Like give me some paper. And give yourself a paper cut on like the corners of your mouth. Like, like, like, right. And then go into a Mexican restaurant and eating chips.

Oh man. I'm trying to think of other shit like that, but I just hate, and I can't explain why I've heard that cotton ball thing before, and I've even tried it. I've been like, I wonder if I have that, and I've gotten two cotton balls and rubbed them together. I'm like, am I not doing it right? No, I guess I don't have this one. Paper.

Fuck that. Even lightly brushing paper a little bit. Really? Like, in certain ways. Not always, but since... Yeah, I can't relate to that one. I know. What did Kyle say?

I missed it. I'm working in an office? I'm all digital. We're paperless here. I printed something out. Somebody else go get it. Properly in years. Well, toilet paper is nice and soft.

Nobody just likes toilet paper. Specific toilet papers, right? Like airport toilet paper is nice and soft nobody just likes toilet paper uh specific toilet papers right like airport toilet paper one ply bullshit i don't know who scott is and how he's running that toilet paper company but it's scott scott is is lining his pockets with all that second ply money you know the person that manages to figure out a way to just get a little more like you know how ikea sells what is essentially cardboard like honey combs in between two pieces whoever can do that with toilet paper single ply toilet paper so we can have you know i want the airy separation between my hand and my ass but I don't need quad ply ribbed you know

you need a durable toilet paper you gotta it's gotta be strong so your fingers don't pop through wipe it till it's red that's how you know it's clean what if there were toilet paper gloves and you inserted your whole hand into a glove of toilet paper

why don't we just use bidets like the rest of the... Ah, get out of here with that. I love bidets. Because we're not poor. We can afford to use paper. Bidets are expensive. Yeah, no, I think I'm on the other side of that argument. I bet you save money over time if you have a bidet.

Yeah, but that's like over time, assuming it doesn't break down and stuff. That's like saying you save money over time by like not taking the subway to work. I don't know. Fuck. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, man, your toilet paper budget would have to be bananas to quickly save money on a bidet.

I'm going to put this $5,000 bidet in on the installation and everything. And by the time my grandkids are retiring, that should come full circle. Assuming we're still shitting here. Yeah. Toilet paper, I don't want some revolutionary out. I don't want Elon Musk coming up with a shitty company and making some terrible

you know, this is fucking, you know, nylon space. This is what the astronauts use to wipe their ass. I don't want that. At all. I wouldn't want the food the astronauts eat, so I wouldn't want what they astronauts use to wipe their ass. I don't want that at all. I wouldn't want the food the astronauts eat, so I wouldn't want what they're using to wipe their ass either. I want heavy-duty, quality toilet paper. What are they wiping their ass with? They just...

They have to use a bidet. It's an air-sealed port, and they don't even have to use... Like, they lose sphincter control and gut ability to, like, push hard after a while because you just put your ass up to it and then a trace amount of pressure is applied sucks the shit right out of you i want that so bad this is this is in space that we're talking about yeah yeah yeah they just put their ass up to this port there's a little bit of pressure change

sucks the poop right out but that's why they have to like for the first like they don't talk about this for the first two to three months back, astronauts have to wear pampers. Because they don't have rectal control anymore. Is that true? Yeah. Or are you playing on my drunken gullibility? No, this is true. Which is only slightly worse than my everyday.

Just Google it, man. It's. He's Googling it. right let me just let me let me let me just let me just add read and then i gotta go take some out of the freezer before they explode uh guys your bathroom called it's time to give uh it's time to give it the cleaning it deserves get rid of all that junk that's lying around freshen it up with high quality products from dollar shave club members like me we get everything we need for our morning routine delivered right to our door dollar shave club has razor shave butter shampoo body wash toothpaste everything you need to look

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Dollar Shave Club doesn't. Dollar Shave Club does not offer that, but they can give you every toiletry you need straight to your door. Very high quality. You're going to look fantastic. Check them out. Can't recommend it enough. I mean, I have a beard, so I don't shave my whole face, but I use their razors to get up here so I don't get that really high beard that looks bad and the neck. So there you go.

I fact checked Taylor because I'm gullible and even gullible or when I'm drunk and, they do wear diapers in space, but not upon return. And they do use a butthole shop vac in space. I mean, that's why I said it because I'm very well worse than the shitting habits. Well, worst, very well versed in the shitting habits well versed very well versed

i guess that tequila's hitting me oh we gotta wait for kyle to get back because then we're a little bit overdue on on our next shot yeah two and a half minutes overdue is that that bad oh really i thought well i don't have the three minutes i guess i could uh yeah tucker has been been beating us i can't hear you tucker Well, I don't have the... Three minutes now. I guess I could... Yeah. Tucker has been beating us. I can't hear you, Tucker. Yeah, I'm muted. No, I was going to say, I was looking down at the clock going, yeah, we're about 16 minutes

overdue. No, it's because we started late. Yeah, we did some mic checks and stuff. Yep. That's okay, though. Started at 15. Okay, so now we can all keep track a little better so what is that you're drinking right there tuck uh it's just a non-alcoholic

ginger beer oh that stuff is strong i do not really oh are you mixing it with your like it's not like strong alcohol because no alcohol it's strong tasting it's like oh it's strong on steroids yeah yeah yeah but i'm not like, this is pretty much me for the episode. I'm not sitting here like a Coke going like, ah, I'm just drinking it. It's nice every now and then. What do you have there? What did I miss?

Ginger beer. Did we drink yet? We are going to drink right now for your shot. Ah, yes. So you're not doing like a Moscow Mule on the side or something with that ginger beer? It's like a delayed Moscow mule where I take the shot of vodka and then I mule it up for the next 40 minutes, you know?

So it's not one at all. No, it's not. Are we ready? Oh, yes. Oh, wait, I need salt on my hand. You're so spring break. Do you have a lime and everything? I do.

I have a cut up lime right here. Wow, that's a party. Oh, yeah. Just me. Yeah. Cheers, guys. Cheers. All right.

Yeah. You know, I just can't do tequila, ever. Tequila! There's no alcohol that I drink. Wait, I told you... I hate this gin. I told you about the... Was it with you guys?

The shit story of somebody who shit in my friend's bathroom? Oh, yeah. Okay, okay. I was just making sure i told you because i was like yeah the last time i was drinking really heavily was when this person shit in my friend's bathroom still happened did any more facts come to light no i i think they buried the lead and they said we're we're just not gonna have a party ever again like that and i was like okay fair enough so the world may never know it's weird i don't

like this drinking but i can see why people do like if i could just get over the fact that i'm always sick afterwards and i hate it going down in between drinks like ah this is why yeah you're like this this feels pretty good see there's a reason why the overwhelming majority of humans like alcohol well you can't put it in your butt. Yeah, you can't. Nobody actually does that. I mean, you can combine both of your favorite things. Have a bunch of sex and alcohol?

Hell yeah. They don't go in your butt, Kyle. They make those dildos. Oh, yes! You can pump it in while fucking yourself. Yeah, yeah. Now, that's a fucking party right there. That's literally a fucking party.

What? Chiz was over there like, oh, there's inhalable alcohol. Get out of here, pussy. Oh, the guy that vapes the alcohol with the compressed thing. You see that? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they're vaping alcohol.

Yeah, no, you're not a real man. Does that actually get you drunk? Does that really get you drunk? Yeah, of course. And you can vape it, and it's probably zero calories. Of course it's zero calories. You're inhaling it. You know there's got to be a problem with...

Don't bother me with your problems. But yeah, they super compress. It attaches to a bottle of wine or something like that. Or no, they give you a... Chiz, find the pitch, there's like an infomercial and you you pour it into this bottle and you pressurize it and then when you take it off obviously it vaporizes the alcohol so you inhale it and the guy's like yeah you got really drunk after like 15 drinks and i was like seems like a waste of alcohol if i'm gonna be honest it does

like i um they also had powdered alcohol which is like a thing for a bit where everybody's like oh you're gonna be able to sneak powdered alcohol everywhere and then like i watched a video of somebody actually doing it and it's like it it is so diluted so weak by the time you've like poured enough liquid in there to make it like a drinkable beverage that it's like like a two it's like a Utah beer. Like one of those 3% ridiculous. I don't know if you guys have ever been to Salt Lake City at the airport where you're a layover there or whatever, and you go to buy a beer because you have a layover,

and it's like same price. Same price as every other airport, just as expensive, but it's so watery, it's gross. I think they even put less bubbles in there. They cheap out on the bubbles? That's your theory? I think so. They're saving money on carbonation. Goddamn Anheuser-Busch. Carbonation is the devil.

Carbonation is the best. I wish every drink were carbonated. That's why I like LaCroix and not even just LaCroix, any kind of sparkling water. You know, I may have thought of something so fucked, not even just LaCroix, any kind of sparkling water. You know, I may have thought of something so fucked up that this doesn't exist on the internet. I was thinking of combining,

you know, those dildos that where you've got the pump. So that the dildo jizzes and combining that with alcohol, which, you know, you put alcohol in your butt, you get super wasted because it bypasses the liquor, the liver.

It, uh, it's just absorbed directly into the bloodstream. I can't find any evidence of anyone doing this online. Give the subreddit a week and we'll have someone. I'm really surprised that no one has done this yet. The new Tide Pod challenge. Yeah, that was funny.

It's not the same. One kills you and one is great. You get fucked and you get drunk yeah yeah absolutely wow yeah you can die but you get fucked in the butt that's not how i like to get fucked well well that can't be choosing that's just you you know there's a fifth of tequila in that cock you you work it till you get what you want. Beggars can't be choosers. At this point, I'm going to deal with the calorie consequences

and just drink it. Just drink it down. Because I do like the taste of most... Well, that's not true. I like the taste of beers. Beers are great, but hard liquor? None of it tastes good to me. None of your headsets are bothering you?

No. My headset always bothers me. That's why every single episode I have this one behind my right ear. My headset never bothers me. I love my Razer Kraken V2 TMs. They don't make headsets for Neanderthal heads like mine. I have a tiny head. They make them for big, tall heads.

You can stretch this thing up but nothing for the girthy among us yeah no luckily i'm not having that problem you don't have a medium head like me my head is very small very under average woody uh describe your your feeling right now since you're you're the the resident not not drinker among us, the healthier one in that regard. My palms are clammy. My forearms are somehow dry, but I think they're wet. My face is red, and somehow my headset, which I love week after week, feels tight. And I just have like a low-grade headache.

And it's hard to describe the warmth that exists in my throat and chest but that effect is real it's permeating isn't it it's almost like pulsating into different parts of your body and i didn't realize it but when i move around it turns out i'm drunk give yourself one of these what do you think the lean back thing is all of you should take a shot to catch up to me. I have already taken one more shot than all of you. That's true, but Kyle, let's take one to catch up with Woody. That is fair enough.

Wait till you stand up, Woody. Part of the reason that I was drinking ahead of schedule was every time Woody would take a shot, I was like, Jesus, that's like me in about an hour and a half. I really need... We're all gauging our drunkenness off of where Woody is. That's true. It's the only right way to do this

if we're going to be honest. Are your hands not sweaty at all? No. I feel like if you... Don't rub it on your face! I don't know. I was just looking for some sweat calibration device. Is your AC on?

I like to be a little bit cool when I'm drinking. I just opened the window. It's nice and cold outside. I'm pretty warm, but that's because we're over 80 degrees for the first time today, and I haven't turned on my AC yet. It was 90 degrees yesterday. It was 87 today, right now, I think. It snowed here last week. Okay, terrible. No was 90 degrees yesterday. It was 87 today right now, I think. It snowed here last week.

Okay, terrible. No, it's 66. Yeah, we never had winter. It was kind of weird. Last year we had like 20 inches of rain in the month of January and February, all this shit. This year it has been dry and hot. I miss my winter, man. Tell your grandfather I called him a northerner. A northerner a northerner i do not if i lived in la or any of the parts of california where you just have the same season all year round i don't think i would miss winter i've never lived in a place where you don't have winter but i would rather not have snow than deal with the fact that it was 30 degrees like last saturday 100 it's it's not that i miss winter it's not that i miss and when i say i miss winter i don't

miss snow i miss 50 degree days where it's a comfortable jacket weather and there's nothing negative about it and same with um same with the like like snow it's cool if i go somewhere that has snow for like three or four days christmas whatever but i don't want snow i don't miss it i miss rain but i don't miss i miss thunderstorms but i don't miss rain like i like occasional shit you're just trying to like uh like fall weather like at least fall weather here fall and spring yeah i do like fall weather when it's between like you know 50 and 60 for the most part all the trees change color and it's nice and pretty but then it goes to winter and winter sucks cock i'm not a i'm not i'm i very much i'm one of those

people that moved here and complains when it's like over 85 degrees but oh i feel like like one of the best places to live for weather and outdoors colorado colorado is in a desert like people think that it's not a it's a it's it's in a desert so they get very little rainfall as far as i know too much yeah but they still get winter it's kind of cold because it's you know higher altitude but they get summer and you can go and do like whitewater rafting and then you can go and do well thatwater rafting and then you can go and do well that's not that special you can do that most places and then you can go do like skiing which is special because i'm fucking ages away from anywhere where you can ski in this giant flat area in the midwest like denver denver colorado has on average 69 of of its days are sunny. And that is more than pretty much most cities.

Like Miami gets 70%. So Colorado or so Denver, like 90. That's a great question. Los Angeles, 73. Las Vegas is 85. So like Colorado is right there. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Can you look at Raleigh? What's like, yeah, it is in front of me let me Raleigh is 58 what about Atlanta where Kyle's at Atlanta is 60 what about st. Louis 56 last one can you do Philadelphia I me? Oh, I lost. Philadelphia. 56. 56. It is not always sunny in Philadelphia.

To be frank, like having. It's likely sunny in Philadelphia. Think about it this way, though. It's really easy to think, oh, only 56% of your days are sunny. But that means like half of your days, there's no sun. This isn't like partly overcast. these are like the majority is sunny so that's pretty gloomy when you get down there into the 40s and shit it is the only thing to consider is that it's not evenly spread right so like so i'm from where i'm from in new jersey is close to philly which is why i asked and you get a lot of sun in the summer

it's really pretty nice but then you go like nine months where it's 75 cloudy you know 75 of the days are not sunny and it's just it was a hardship for me to make it through uh like we're in uh i don't know if any of the areas you guys are in maybe kyle have tornado season no but tornado season like even if you don't get a tornado it just turns the whole sky like dark bluish greenish and it's just like a melancholy look like a gorilla's music video like no i know what you're talking about that like it makes sense i living in uh when i moved in the pacific northwest i kind of got that vibe. Everybody goes, oh, it always rains in Portland or it always rains in Seattle. It does.

It rains almost every day from like October to June. But it doesn't rain meaningfully. Like it'll sprinkle for a little bit and you're like, oh, it's spinning. And that's it. It's overcast the entire time, though. The summer is beautiful. But like the other eight months fuck that i had a girl from la uh hang out with me once here and this was years and years and years ago and i was driving her back to the airport and it was raining even hard by like

midwest standards like torrential pouring huge like like to the point where like there are like small rivers on the street like every it's not like you go through a puddle it's like the whole thing is that and she was freaking the fuck out like what like we need to pull over and wait for this to stop it's like well then we're gonna be pulled over till like three days from now because this is gonna keep happening and then it'll be really green for like three more days and then it'll snow again or some shit because this is the worst place in the world for weather because you don't even get in the midwest like if you complain about heat some cunt from you know miami will be like you don't know hot or from phoenix you don't even know man it's like oh mr zero percent humidity oh yeah woohoo um and then people if you complain about the cold people in fucking minnesota's like oh mr zero percent humidity oh yeah woohoo um and then people if you complain

about the cold people in fucking minnesota are like oh you don't oh listen here buddy we get just enough shit from every direction for it to suck but not enough for recognition just like the blues and the playoffs every year you don't get the draft pick and you don't make the playoffs that's how i felt living in Baltimore. I was like, we get enough snow that New Yorkers are like, fuck you. And then it gets hot enough that everybody in the South is like, nah,

you're not that warm. But it was always very uncomfortable on either side of the spectrum. You know, I had a lot of extremes on either side. Have you seen this, uh, this preview for Jason Statham's new movie? I haven't.

Is there music? There's almost always music. There's a there music? There's almost always music. There's a little music. There's a little music. You can just mute it. Let me find where the music starts. For the record, though, I feel like we really glossed over that 750-pound animal

we brought up earlier in the show. I'd like to get back to that at some point. She hasn't tweeted in two years, and I feel like she's dead. She's dead. She's dead. Was her name Susan? Suzanne Eman? Meg.

Oh, Susan Eman. Yeah, I linked her Twitter up there. Yeah, Miss Piggy. Yeah, the music starts at a minute and 25 seconds. It's somewhere beyond the sea. Somewhere waiting for me. That's a copyright claim. Yeah. Tell them. But we're good till a minute

25, so just maybe mute it at that point. Ready, set, play. So a lot of people that I've shown this to were like, ah, it's one of those sci-fi movies. This has a $150 million budget. Oh, shit.

Damn. I'm getting, like, um... Fuck, I'm going to have to think of the name of that movie. Methius? Yeah. Ah. Are they on Earth? Yes.

I said, begalodons! Jason Statham's gonna have to take out that Megalodon. I love Jason Statham. I'm gonna have to beat him to death with my bare hands. What you people discover is bigger than we ever thought possible. I'll beat him to death with my bare hands. It's a megalodon. It's a megalodon! That's why it's called Meg. I just put that together.

Alright, well I'm... Uh, you didn't, but I thought I was the slow one. Thank you for being here. Oh, too much pressure. Oh, my God. It's Megalodon. Mute it. Thank you.

So, it's got Dwight from The office uh rain uh wilson rain wilson yeah yeah i like this the dog the dog's like nope you know i was always a like megalodons are fucking metal but why why does jason say that i don't know this is this just reminds me of like sharknado but it's not or jaws but it's not it doesn't seem like biceps or lat development is going to help you in this situation at all that's what you think just wait he's gonna have to open a bunch of like doors that are failing he's gonna use a harpoon and probably stab him through the top of the mouth for the finish i'm going inside the belly of the beast.

That's what you don't understand, Woody. I don't understand. I'm very confused. I'm going to get my car from drive. It seems to me that Dwight could have handled this situation equally well if he's clever. There's going to be tools involved. Dwight's a pussy. Can I just say that if we're trying to, if there's a giant shark,

I know the Megalodon was not the size of a blue whale but let's just hypothetically say it was that would be the one of the easiest predators for us to like if there was just one that was terrorizing the earth i'm fairly confident in like 24 hours it would be dead yeah right you would think you could get it so they were supposedly from 60 to 90 so because Would you use death charges like submarines? Just a really big shark knife. Torpedoes? So sharks are made of cartilage instead of bone.

But the only fossils we have are their teeth, apparently. But they estimate this thing was from 60 to 90 feet long, which is fucking gargantuan considering the biggest great work. Dude, but when the biggest estimates like that like even as a kid i'd be like these people don't know entirely what they're talking about when i'd watch like discovery channel and be like and this animal lived between 50 and 150 million years ago it was like that's a that's an enormous window for you to guess within. And now you're going to tell me the taxology, I think that's the word, of the animal? I'm changing the topic a little.

But speaking of don't know what they're talking about, I circled back with my mom about your most recent Bible story. Oh, no. And she confirmed it was correct. Actually, she said it was pretty good. There were a couple minor qualms she had. One was when you told the story, I'm terrible with names. Who was the guy who kept saying, fuck it, I'll do some more because God gave him kind of a stubbornness? Pharaoh.

Oh, that was the Pharaoh. Yeah. Where he wouldn't let them leave. It turns out. Even when he kind of wanted to. The God, for the first three rounds, that stubbornness was his. And it wasn't until rounds like 4 through 12 or whatever

that God injected that stubbornness on him. Okay. I'm lost. You gonna throw down on that one? First of all, conceding that there was any point where God infringed on his promise of providing free will to his creations kind of proves my point but despite that early on in that story i'm almost fucking positive that the hardening of his heart started earlier than that

okay like it started early and like oh i'm in no position to judge who's right or who's wrong. Nobody. I will treat you as the opposition. She also said that when you told the story, you said that, I guess, were they Jewish slaves? They didn't suffer the impact of this. And she said that for the first couple of rounds, they did. And then God gave them a bye somehow. Well, she should know there weren't any Jewish slaves to begin with. So it's all lies.

That never happened. But she is wrong in that regard because when all of the water was turned to blood, the Israelites or Hebrew, Jewish, whatever water was not turned to blood. Well, my mommy says you're wrong. I mean, we can look at the good book and confirm right now. I do want to know who's right. I'm very curious because my –

No one's right because it's made up. We're arguing about – This is like we're arguing about Hansel and Gretel. Like, no, no. You see, the outside of the house was marshmallow. And you're coming back with, no, no, marshmallow simply wouldn't work. It would have to be a hard candy. They're gumdrops.

You would never use marshmallow for the exterior of a candy home. A poverty-stricken child in that era wouldn't have been able to puncture a hard graham cracker exterior home with just their teeth. That's absolutely right, Taylor. It would have to be some sort of a gingerbread door to provide passage for the children. Hansel and Gretel, they deserved what they got. Yeah.

Those dumbasses leaving food. I'll take that hard stance. I don't care all the haters that are going to come forward on Hansel and Gretel. I almost want to bring my dad in on this. I want to know where he's the one who goes to Bible school four days a week because they don't offer a fifth. He would probably be team hard candy on the outside.

Yeah, okay. I'm like almost... Or I was. I could be totally wrong. I'm almost positive that he was hardening the Pharaoh's heart even prior to the first engagement to make sure. And I am positive that the hebrews were spared from the ramifications of all of the uh all of the plagues so you know maybe she should come to

the church of taylor which is a tangentially relation related to the church of kyle can can she look it up is that possible thing oh is. He's got the internet. Chiz, are you connected to the internet? Chiz. I think what they want to know is at what point the Pharaoh's heart was hardened by the Lord God Almighty. And while you're at it, find out about that gingerbread house. Because they are equally relevant. Kyle keeps proposing candies that aren't even waterproof. I don't know where he's coming from on this.

Exactly. In all of the depictions that I have seen from the good book, a.k.a. Grimm's Fairy Tales, the outside of the house is often a marshmallow-y substance, and that just would not be... The rain would destroy it. You would have to put some sort of frosting on it to make it rain-proof, I would think.

You wouldn't eat hard candy. You would eat hard candy on the outside. Get that dude Vsauce on it. Hey, Vsauce, Michael here. So you may have heard that children hundreds of years ago were capable of penetrating gingerbread with just their teeth. But did you know in order to hold up a roof on a house that size, it would have to be

five inches thick? Now could a child's a house that size, it would have to be five inches thick. Now, could a child's teeth from that time penetrate that gingerbread wall? Today we're going to find out. No, because they're English kids and their teeth are awful. Oh, shit. Whenever we start arguing about whether the pharaoh's heart was hardened at point A or point B, we should stop and remember that we're literally arguing about what a gingerbread house was made out of. It's pretty much the exact same thing. I get so frustrated.

They're allegories! They're allegories! All right, here's a quick down of the key bit of the data. Three times, Yahweh said he hardened pharaoh's heart she's you haven't read the whole thing yet six times yahweh actually hardens pharaoh's heart seven times the hardening is expressed as a divine passive from yahweh as the implied subject pharaoh's heart was hardened by yahweh and three times we were told pharaoh hardened his own heart oh well there you go no that doesn't make sense because Exodus 8 15, 8.32 and 9.34 are way

After Exodus 21 where he actually hardened The heart What the fuck I don't know I don't know I'm gonna be honest guys Y'all motherfuckers lost me on this one Oh you don't know your bible like I do I guess No I went to church Every week and I don't know anything about

Hardening hearts I don't get how you guys who went to Bible school For so long the same way. I did didn't pick like some of it up to like how do you not remember? I didn't know that I went to church you know every morning. You know Yeah Get the fuck out of here. No, we went every... We really appreciate your devotion to the Lord.

We went seven days a week. There was communal wine, so why wouldn't you be there? And you know, you go to Sunday school. You were learning, so you can start your own church someday. Honestly, next time I quit with that VeggieTales propaganda. You know, I loved it. I did too. They put on the cucumber and whatever the fuck the tomato...

Archibald. Archibald the fucking... What is that called? Asparagus. Oh, those were good. You know, Chiz is right. That series still holds up. It teaches you how to live your

life. I live my life by that cucumber every day and what it told me to do. I bet you there's porn of VeggieTales. I just wonder if you could use VeggieTale lines to pick up Tinder chicks. There's definitely porn of

VeggieTales. Kyle, jump in and click on that one. Total failure. You're looking for Simpsons, Woody. I don't need the Lord to harden me. You make me harder than the Pharaoh's heart. You're sluttier than Jezebel, who was eventually beheaded. That's true.

Pickle Rick and Larry the Cucumber. I don't want to watch that. No, it's just a picture. There's no video. Bump that. Get that degeneracy out of you. Look, this is what modern day America has brought to us. Veggie Tales, Rick and Morty, porn, pickle, cucumber crossover.

I go back to my tabs, and frankly frankly that image of those two pickles making out isn't half as revolting as that goddamn banquet dinner. I don't know which one that was, like which dinner it claimed to be. Does it matter? That was like the turkey chicken and pork patty. That was chicken? No, pork. It's a mixture of the two taylor do you like like alternate biblical histories like when you see a movie or a tv show that sort of like

delves into that and like shows you a new spin on it i watched they can't be interesting yeah like i i have no opinion one way or the other as long as it's entertaining which one are you thinking of sure uh that that show where the you know that there's a part where you go back in time and you just see a man and a woman in a bed and she's like my husband won't be back for hours and they're they go at it right they're they're fucking yeah and uh it done and you realize this is jesus christ fucking this lady and his apostles are at the door they're like like, Jesus, we've got stuff to do. And he's just like, oh, he's getting dressed. He's like, that was great.

He's like, that was my first time. She's like, you were amazing. That was incredible. That was your first time? Yeah, yeah. I tried. I tried. And so he leaves and everything, and then of course

he's crucified. And so then a couple of the apostles come back for the childbirth. You know, she gives birth, and she's like, ah, yeah, here he is. And they're like, yeah, that's real good. And then they bash her brains in, right there. And they take the child. And then they've been, like, cultivating

the bloodline of Christ up until modern day. This is one of the storylines. Wait, what are we – Of what? The storyline of what? The Preacher. It's a television show.

Okay, okay. And so the main character of the show runs into this secret organization that, among many other things, has been cultivating this last bloodline of Christ, and he's like, would you like to meet the Christ child? And he's like, more than anything, would I like to meet the Christ child? All right, we're going to take you there. So they whisk him away from America to some convent, often Italy, like outside Rome Rome in some farmhouse that's actually a top secret facility where Jesus' great-great-great-great-great-grandson lives.

They go in the room and this figure is sheathed in darkness over there. The main character, the preacher, he gets on his knees and he's like, he's from Texas. He's like, all my life, I've been working toward this moment and Lord bless me. And then out of the shadows steps a literally severely retarded man with buck teeth who then proceeds to urinate on him and giggle because of all

of the inbreeding over the years, keeping the bloodline pure. It's fucking hilarious. It comes out of nowhere. You're like, this is supposed to be the big payoff moment where you get to see the Christ child, and he steps out and he's like, piss is all over him, and he's

like, ah, God! I guess bless me with your piss oh lord after the 70 Christ Child took a turn for the worst it's so good why would they how do you keep a bloodline pure I guess you just mate with his sister

I don't know how he could keep it pure though because he doesn't have any sisters or any other family unless he was just fucking his own daughters for the hell of it. Stop asking questions. Okay. This is a supernatural show in which a preacher from Texas has the mystical ability to command people to do what...

Well, I hold it to the standards of this other made-up book. Grimm's Fairy Tales? Those are pretty good. Grimm's Fairy Tales. Yeah, it's pretty good. Season 3 of Preacher comes out this summer I'm looking forward to it alright I'm calling an audible on a shot

because none of us are as drunk as we need to be at this point where we need to be a little better everyone she says damn straight thank you for the support there's a decent amount of this gone I'm gonna do a do a little You better. Bad people. There's a decent amount of this gone. I'm gonna do a do a little. Kidney?

I've been through a couple of these. Not today. No, not today. That's always whenever I wake up in the morning after if I do like a drinking stream over like eight hours or something like that, which in reality seems a lot worse when you wake up when you see your

half gallon of alcohol is half done, and you're like, oh, man. But it's over eight hours, so it's okay. You know? It's not the quantity. It's the pacing. That's true. Half of a gallon, half of a half gallon is a lot for eight hours. It's a lot of liquor.

That's a fifth of alcohol over a couple hours. A whole fifth of alcohol over eight hours is a lot. And we're getting there. Cheaper than therapy. That's true. And it only hits you years from now. And then you have just a couple years to regret it. Yeah, I still five five years before

i'm 30 which means that that's that's plenty of time which one of you is younger i tell you you're 26 i just turned 25 i'm about to turn 27 oh okay i turned 25 last month okay yes i'm only like two years older than tucker not not even that so thank god alcohol has calories because that is what holds you back from being a real degenerate. Yeah, because it'll be like, you know, a Tuesday or something like, man, a beer with dinner or something or a couple of beers would be really good. And it's like, ah, that's like adding three more sandwiches into the mix. That's really your your your limit, because sometimes I'll be like, man, I'm really hungry. But a good beer for lunch would really solve that so I can wait till dinner. See, yeah.

It's different for you because you have the issue of not being able to gain weight. Yeah, I can't put on weight. I've been trying. I overeat. And so I love to overeat. And so I can't drink whenever I want. And also I think it's better just to, for the most part, keep it to Friday and Saturday just so that you don't feel bad.

You're like, I'm making up for all that thousands of calories that you drank. You just got to put it in your butt. That's the clear answer. I'm not going to go down that road with you, Kyle. I'm not so go down that road with you kyle i'm not i'm not i'm not so hell-bent like the enjoyment in drinking is not necessarily getting drunk like getting drunk is nice but i enjoy the act and the taste of most of the alcohol that i'm doing i don't enjoy going out to a bar and being like we're only doing shots today like that's not enjoyable but

like if we're going out to a nice bar and they've got good drinks and I'm enjoying it, that's cool. So if you were like, here's a pill, it'll get you smashed, I'd be like, I'd rather not. That seems like it takes all the effort out of it. What are we linking here, Kyle? I don't know. Just ways to help Taylor along here.

Fucking Aeros Fountain. 7.6 inch lifelike squirting dildo ejaculating penis vibrator vibe. With suction cup. Female masturbation. Why not male masturbation? See, and so what you do with this is you put, I guess that purple thing is the, no, that's the battery charger. Where the hell is the liquid? Is it in the penis?

Yeah, you fill it up, and then I assume you just squeeze. Yeah, you got a little pump handle. This is, so not only are you drinking the alcohol through your ass now, now you're just penetrating yourself for fun in the midst of it. Well, you got to get in there somehow. What, you think this is better than a... I don't think we're looking... Are we looking at 100 milliliters of syringe?

With anti-plastic tubing? No, we're looking at Bonnie N-E-W-Q-W-E-W-E-W-S slash B1 vibrating 7.6 inch lifelike squirting dildo ejaculating penis vibrator vibe with suction cup for female masturbation. That was a really good read right there.

We're looking to get the calories out of We're looking to get the calories out of Taylor's alcohol intake. I figured out what we could do. He suggested putting it in my ass. Yeah. But I also I like drinking it. And I like going out with friends. You haven't even

tried the alternative though. And I can't be't be like man this is a fun night of drinking guys let me go to the bathroom again you didn't drink anything all night ho little do you know my pants is a little leakage and there's a reason that my fucking ass looks so poofy today. Can girls chug with their vagina? Yes, you can. That's going to cause all kinds of problems. Come on. Oh, Kyle, you're not thinking inside the box. Huh?

See? That was a good one. My mom works for some Baltimore inner city schools in the school district. And before she switched to kids with mental disabilities, she worked in a normal one. And one of the things that actually happened was a girl soaked her tampon in vodka for the school dance and put it up there and got really drunk. And then they had to send her to the ER because they were afraid that she would get alcohol poisoning because your ability to absorb toxins is much quicker and easier. Yeah. So I'm so thankful we had an expert on the topic in the call.

Look, you know, I knew there was a reason you invited me on here. So did she, like, dip the whole applicator in? No, no, no. And then just let it soak for a while and then get it all up there? That's actually a good question. I just assumed that she used one of the reusable applicators. Snopes! According to Snopes, this is false.

Oh, Snopes? You mean that site that was run by, what, that dude who cheated on his wife that he started the site with with a prostitute, didn't he? I don't know. How does that diminish his ability to determine whether vodka-shaped tampons are being used to get girls fucked up at dancing?

He's just trying to corner the market. I don't even bother researching this. I feel like my issue with it is wouldn't the tampons swell up and be kind of large if you were to soak it in? Yeah, exactly. That's what I'm saying. That's why you'd have to keep it in the applicator while you were doing it. Oh, that's what you were saying.

Oh, wow. But how absorbent is it in its compressed state? I don't know. I've never put a tampon in anyone's vagina. Well, this requires some experimentation. Honestly, I'm going to soak tampons and put it in my ass. You know what? I want you to tweet me when you do that so I can follow the real-time updates. Next drinking episode, let's get Cat Gun. You know what? I want you to tweet me when you do that

so I can follow the real time updates Let's get Kat gunned Oh my god, Kat Just saying Is she still doing her thing? Yeah, I think so Kat, I ran into her last year

How's she doing? I ran into her I know her as uh-huh how's she doing recently i ran into her you know i like i i know her as an acquaintance not anything more than that i thought maybe you were on top of the scene i know she's a twitch streamer oh no there's too many twitch streamers it's like it's very reminiscent of uh like youtube four years ago where it's like oh do you watch this guy no i don't watch this person that has a million subs because there's 400,000 of them, you know? Everybody's a big streamer now. Yeah, not me.

Not I. I feel like such an old man when I go to Twitch. I'm like, he's not even doing anything right now. He's waiting for 11 more dollars before he slaps this guy. I'll tune back in later that's how i feel i maybe the internet's ruined me like uh i like live stream highlights but live streams just watching steady they're not wall-to-wall entertainment for me i fucking love it i fucking love it i i like tuning into ice and uh and watching the just whatever the fuck he's doing you know like like

like some of this it's just so fucking crazy right like like when he has specifically he is a very unique case in the very the large sea of content creators yeah i i mean i watched filthy stream a couple days ago um i i enjoyed that he was streaming a little civilization 5 which hadn't seen him do in a while i I donated a little bit of money. That's what got me back into playing Civ recently, which, by the way, I'll make this quick, but if you want to play Civ V with me and my friends, do so.

Download the L-E-K mod, Lek mod, and come play with us because we need people to beat up on. You know who I'll watch if I catch him? Give you one guess. Wings? Wings of Redemption. of redemption if wings of redemption is streaming i'll tune in just keep it around and wait for him to start getting mad at people that's all i want see the thing is j squared is about to see his twitch uh career just plummet it's about to be ruined because he started taking antidepressants

and while they haven't technically kicked in yet, he is under this placebo effect. J-Squared is Geordie Jordan. That's absolutely right. Okay. You sneaky cunt. From henceforth, call him J-Squared, please.

Does he dislike J-Squared? He doesn't know about J-Ssquared because I just made it up. Ah, okay. Now, if you really want to make him mad, call him Richard. Because that's not his name. And he gets mad. And ask him who that picture is behind him, if it's his father. Everybody knows that people named Richard tend to go by Dick.

My uncle's nickname is Richard Boner. He recently said... I like that. That's really funny. I'm glad Chiz threw this out there because he also said yesterday he doesn't know if he's going to get the surgery on stream in Mexico. Wait, the way Chiz phrased that, he's going to get the surgery on stream in Mexico? No, no, no. He phrased it poorly.

He doesn't know if he's going to get the surgery in Mexico. Yeah, Mexico doesn't have any of that. We all know that. Yeah, I know if he's going to get the surgery in Mexico. Yeah, Mexico doesn't have that. We all know that. Yeah, I've lost my $5 to Woody. Woody bet that he would not get the surgery this year. I bet that it wouldn't happen this year. And by mid-April, Kyle's like, take your $5. Yes!

We're not even close to the end. It's not even halfway through. Woody's won the bet by... That was a fool. Jesus! Was that bad? Well, he has taken your... It's not even halfway through. Woody's won the bat by... That was a fool. Jesus. Was that bad? Well, he has taken your... He has taken your...

Oh, what was that? Oh, what was that song I recorded the other day that I sent you guys? Oh, um... Green Acres. Wing trailer is the place to be. Twitch streaming is the life for me. Waistband stretching out so far and tight.

He'll keep your money and improve his double wide. Oh, that is fucking good. That's actually pretty fucking clever. That's what has happened, folks. He is not getting that surgery. Watch. I guarantee within the next eight months,

he'll get a new Fucking floor in that trailer He'll get a new roof There'll be a new porch on that bitch Wings trailer is the place to be Twitch Streaming it's the life for me Waistband stretching out So far and tight

He'll keep your money and improve His double wide Wow Pepsi tight he'll keep your money and improves double wide wow i'm super impressed that you knew that off the top of your head kyle yeah it's uh uh you know i sing it for all my friends and family they're're very much into the Wings of Redemption lifestyle. So, yeah, everybody I know I introduce to Wings and all the Wings universe. It's like the Marvel universe, the MCU. But it's the Wings universe, you know.

It has Mr. Big, right? That's the one song. Yeah, Mr. Big takes that shit to trial. What? Takes that shit to trial. Big that i don't know big style okay the wings parody okay yeah that thing that had to be our peak that was like 40 000 views now great job i want to say who did it i don't think he would even care but i won't i guess until he like i know actually this person takes his anonymity very seriously. He just says he doesn't care.

I won't say it, I guess. But we all know him, and we really like him, and we're very proud of him. And we want more content out of him. Yes. That was cool. Who are we very proud of? I'm sorry, I missed it. The gentleman who did Mr. Big Shot, or whatever it is. Big Man, maybe? Mr. Big Guy. Mr. Big Shot or whatever it is. Big Man, maybe?

Mr. Big Guy. Mr. Big Guy. We're playing video games and I'll randomly start singing it and everybody knows exactly what I'm singing and they'll all start cracking up. I'm stuck in my head for a week. I swear to God.

I'm cleaning the pool. I'm humming it. Oh my God, it's so catchy i don't know what is the original song like what is it it's um i know it i don't know i can't name it mr blue sky or something okay yeah yeah it's it's and the thing is like part of my like i listen to a lot of music while i uh when i play video games and stuff and uh i listen to the um if you go on youtube i listen to music on youtube i don't know if that's a rookie that's weird as fuck why not though because everything's in play weird why is it everything's because for because the

myriad of other better streaming options available i don't know how they're better because like spotify i don't know how you're talking about like at home right like just looking at a new song you're talking about like in the car no i'm talking about literally right here like on my computer while i play video games i just go to youtube and like it's it literally already made me a mix like youtube automatically made me a mix of the songs that i like to listen to and i click it's it's over 50 songs i click play and it plays them it's all the music that i've ever listened to it's all my favorite songs and uh one of them is one of the things i like to listen to is from um guardians of the galaxy like like that you know that mixtape that

that he's listening to i love that and that exists on youtube as like a two hour long video and i listen to that and mr blue sky is one of those songs and so when i hear the original i just crack up i lose it i start songs and so when I hear the original I just crack up I lose it, I start laughing so hard because I hear the Wings of Redemption lyrics have you heard it Tucker, the Wings of Redemption version? No, I haven't heard the Wings of Redemption version, I've heard the original one

I wish I could play it for you guys we may have oh, the Wings video? I'm sure of it, yeah I doubt that he did the instrumentals himself and everything and it'll get picked up but it is amazing i i don't know i'm it's incredible what weaponized autism can achieve like you see that in every corner of the internet where someone will be like hey i'm looking for this or i want a video of that and someone will just inexplicably show up like four hours later like with that content it's like

what were you doing just waiting for some random to make a request before you went and let's stop by there ain't a mod inside inside it's so good it's so good the part where the account gets banned and now we're banned make a new account next day and it's so funny because that's literally what we do like uh we i'm not in there i watch anonymously so people don't know i'm there i I watch anonymously as well under an alias. Okay, yeah. You know, like the Butter Golem. I show up as the Butter Golem and give a little trolling.

Butter Golem's banned though, right? There's so many Butter Golems. You know, you just make another one. Jesus Christ, I didn't know. You know, you make the Butter Golem and he bans it and you're like, Butter Golem 2, bitch. It's been buttered up so long. It's not.

It's Golem. It's Go bothered so long. It's Golem. It's Golem, okay? It's not Golem. Golem is a character from Lord of the Rings. It's Butter Golem. I know it's Butter Golem, okay? I know, but your trolling right now is even bothering me. You trolled Taylor. Butter Smeagol gets in there

and he does work, alright? He goes in there and he goes for the heart. Me and... to be honest i've seen butter golem in action and i think that he goes too hard right and i don't mean like to mean too hard like if i was going for maximum effectiveness i wouldn't go straight to like the meanest thing i could think of like you you'd want him to think like this one's on the edge a little bit oh i build oh trust me like like i maybe i only link you or like share with you the meanest things i say but i build okay i build over the course of like 30 minutes you know you first you start off and it's very it's almost

even supportive right like like you know great stream it's they it's almost even supportive right like like you know great stream it's amazing what you've been able to achieve or the man as a man with so many disabilities you know like like it's a backhanded kind of thing right and then you go from there until you're the point where you're like insulting his mother or his father or something right like that right you really go for the man so saying that he's doing well for a man with disabilities is where you start the escalation yes right i would say that okay so you start you know three quarters of the way down the track you know i'm just trying to make chiz laugh you know you know and the other people in my little discord you know they all get a kick out of it we read whenever we're watching a wing stream we normally we've got our Discord private chat.

It's called... What's it called? It's like PKA Gaming chat or like Private PKA Gaming or something like that. Private PUBG crew. That's what it's called. Yeah, Chiz helped me out.

But whenever we watch Wings, I change it to whale watching. Jesus Christ. I'm not a part of this. I not i did see it one night whale watching expedition and all of a sudden everybody's like hey can i get in on the on the expedition like like people who don't even play pub t they're like oh i want in i want in i'm watching i was already watching they know they know what it's about. They get it. And, you know, we go in there. But like I said,

there's no new content. I hope he's doing help. You know, it seems... He says that he's not getting the surgery. Right? I hope I'm not spreading a false rumor, but I read it right on the internet, so... I trust it.

If he were here, he would would say i'm absolutely getting the surgery i'm waiting on my like doctors to to okay everything but the truth is they're never going to okay it because he's an incredibly obese man he's only declining right he's gaining weight week after week after week it's not like his blood work's gonna come back clean exactly like like it's almost as if he's the only one who wasn't aware that that he was obese and unhealthy he's like shocked by it he's like oh i'm not i'm not doing well i thought i was fine i'm a young man of 32 like like no no you're 32 years old and you're you're you're getting close to a quarter ton and and of course like surgery is a dangerous option that's why you're going with it because if

you don't do it you'll be dead by 40 right you know you're sort of cardiac 35 year old him that surpasses a quarter ton isn't going to do any better in this surgery no not at all um i watched some video the other day um This guy made a video about Wings, and I want to say it was 10-12 minutes long, and it was dark. I think he had a British accent. I don't remember what the guy's name is, but he's like,

this is Wings of Redemption. Professional e-bagger. And he broke down. You saw that. Yeah, he did one on Boogie too. He did one on Boogie, and I like on boogie and i like boogie a lot but that was a lot of i thought it was inaccurate with the boogie one a lot of it is his own thoughts and theories on stuff it wasn't like backed by research over here what what i'm sorry getting a bit drunk over here. You are. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. I definitely could be getting a little drunk right now. Here, we're about two hours in. Time for our next shot. Are you fucking kidding me? Taylor, I'm with you, man. Real quick, before we get to that, Kyle, I think... I need to do an advertisement.

An advertisement. I'd prefer we do this prior. And if you could double it up, that'd be great. I feel like I should do smart mouth now before I get so fucked that I can't even read it. Two ads and a shot. If you get too fucked by the end, I'll do the ad reads. I'm sure I'll... Bad breath is a gross embarrassing problem that impacts everyone at some point in their lives.

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valiant ad read. It was great. We can see that Kyle sleeps on his Casper. I'm sure Woody does. I sleep on it every night. It's fantastic. There, perfect. We all sleep on a casper mattress it's fantastic you never do the thing where you sleep in the same area for a long time and you

get like a divot in that area and then if you try and move you like roll towards that area throughout the night like on a traditional kind of spring mattress that sucks with this always level always perfect you can do that thing where you put a glass of wine on it and then jump, but I recommend you don't. That's reckless. So check them out. Taylor's coming off really sober to me. Does anyone else think he needs a double shot?

Taylor drinks on a daily basis. I feel like you just are coming off very drunk, Woody. No, Taylor drinks more than we do. That's what's going on here. It's tolerance. It's all about tolerance. You need to shelve it, Taylor. You're making us all look bad.

All right, let's. I've, you know, I'm not doing shots here, so I don't know how much I'm drinking every time. So I'm doing a good bit of one of these. A good? A good bit. I'm drinking less than Kyle. Kyle holds this thing up to the camera and I'm like

fuck I'm not going to do that I might not even get credit for medium yeah I'm uh I do a gulp every time it's not a contest or anything but my mouth is full I couldn't drink anymore every time I take a shot that's how it is when I peed

I used the wall to hold myself up. That's funny. We've all been there. That is a normal night. Isn't that the part that you remember? For me, that's the most memorable part of when I'm drinking is that moment where you're pissing and you're sort of

in your own head like, alright. Yes, it's the reset period where you have to tell yourself oh you you speak out loud you're like you're drunk you're drunk and you know it but you're gonna go out there because woody said i should all right you're drunk you're drunk but you're not gonna do anything stupid you're not gonna make a fool of yourself this time this time this time you're gonna make a fool myself again. Don't insult anyone. I'm not a lime. I'm just going to have to use the shitty end pieces.

No. Where you just squeeze the three drops in your mouth and you're like, ah. I haven't been even doing salt. Time for another shot, is it? Yep. For you two. For all of us.

Well, I just did one with you prior to you doing this is oh you don't have to tucker you've been drinking like a champ man oh i know i haven't been observing that that's fine really the audience will observe i have to i have to stand my ground stand your ground. That's the sigh that we all want to hear. I didn't mean to be argumentative. Why do you have luggage in your background? Jackie's leaving him. We didn't talk about it.

I really have to nitpick. It's the real reason why we're doing a drinking episode. Jackie and Colin actually just came back. They went to New Jersey to handle estate stuff having to do with her mother. Oh, that's much sadder than what I said. I don't even see the... Yikes. What a downer.

Jesus. Make something up. They had a lot of fun out there. A little vacation. Couldn't afford Disney World or Disneyland. They went to a Disney Area in New Jersey. Oh, let's watch Woody take this shot. I don't like smelling it.

I don't like this. All right, can I say? Woody, you are a champion, and you've got this. I'm not an alcohol expert or anything, but I watch this channel. I can't think of the name of it right now, but it's this small, bald guy who looks a bit like... And he does these liquor reviews. And the blind tasting of all of the orange liqueurs.

And when they got to this one, the Grand Gala, he was like, oh, it smells like ass. But when they tasted it, it sort of won the tasting for all of the brown-ish, orange-ish orange liqueurs. The only things that stood up to it were like Curacao,

which is a very blue, blue, which is a fairly expensive orange liqueur. So this is really the best tasting of the orange liqueurs, but it has a foul smell. I'm not a huge fan of the smell. I really am not my uh tito's is sweating on my desk and i'm worrying about my uh desk getting warped

because it's just been oh man the amount of condensation like yeah because i took it right out of the freezer like it's been in there for three days, and now it's just leaking. I got a desk where the entire desk surface is a mouse pad. Literally the entire desk is one giant... That sounds terrible to clean. It's a seven and a half pound mouse pad that's machine washable. That sounds great. Whenever I...

I haven't done it yet, because I'm careful, but if I ever spill anything on it, you throw the whole fucking thing in the washing machine. It's pretty cool. What are you talking about? My desk. My desk. The entire surface.

Oh, that's right. It's like a giant mouse pad. Yeah, the entire surface of the desk is a mouse pad, which is pretty slick if you ask me. I'm a big fan. Yeah, I like... My lips taste like Grand Gala. Your what tastes like grand gala my lips like yeah man there's a little extra on there like you save it interesting are you still enjoying or

actually this is a proper time to ask are you have you noticed a lessening in the bite of your drink and more just oh the orangey the orangey flavor is really overpowering more than the alcohol. I think I have, yeah. Yeah, you don't even taste the alcohol at this point. There's so much sugar in this shit, though. I'm barely tasting this tequila at this point, so that's not a good sign. This is a terrifying thing to realize. Oh, I can just do these all day.

I know that my real problem with drinking comes when- And that mixed drink, real quick, for the viewers that I'm drinking, there are two shots of these. No, you showed us at the start of the episode, maybe it wasn't on stream, but you said, hey, and my mixed drink, and it was a sizable portion. So you were not shorting your mixed drink. But yeah, I was going to say, that's just- Anyway, sorry, I jumped right in here. Are you having a mixed drink to compliment your shots? Yes.

Welcome to being an adult, Woody. That's how adults do it. I love that Tucker told me how to be an adult. Hey, Mr. 20 years older than me, you learned how to be an adult. This is how you handle the pain side. Yeah, this is... You be single for a couple years and you tell me how good this tastes.

You're going to be trashed in two hours at this rate. And that's the goal. That's the whole point of a drinking episode. We do one of these every other year. I scheduled a little thing at 10 p.m. tonight. So I was like, I'm just going to cruise into the bar, just like

sufficiently there, I just want you all to know this do you need a drink? nah, I'm fucking good I'm just really cruising you dreaded it all day, Woody I was looking forward to it I was too, are you feeling it now though?

are you like, ah, this isn't so bad I mean, both of the extremes exist in my head. Like, part of me is like, you know, this is kind of pleasant. I'm drunk. Like, it's a fun thing. Another part of me is like, my face is hot and this headset got smaller. You're making way too much sense right now. You're not nearly drunk enough.

Oh. We're getting there, though. Woody's being too logical right now. What? Woody, honestly, you're not slurring your words at all. You're speaking concisely there's you know you know when you're about to get like uncomfortably drunk when you start trying to say stuff and you slur but in your mind you're like why are you doing this that's so fucked up just say the words and you're like just forge ahead just come on just

just say the words i want what he's so drunk that that jackie dare not question him when he walks out of this room. He's sort of trembling a little bit in fear as she sees him stagger down the hallway. I'm Jackie. I want some chicken, and if you cook it on that fucking grill, I'm going to punch you. I want you to fry it on the pan in vegetable oil. Put some panko flakes on it. I'm going to be in bed. Time to talk about your fucking chili.

I would have went last week and got chili. It was three or four times better than yours. That was my favorite story I've ever heard when you were complaining about your wife's chili. That went semi-viral. It got like a quarter million views or something.

You just need to introduce her to better chili. That's really funny. I love it. Because that is a pretty funny clip of you ripping on her chili. And then the screenshot of your face as you look to the side and do like the... Oh, she knows. I love chili. I've made homemade chili in my slow cooker always always i made it with kevin's recipe from the office once uh like i saw it on binging from

the binging with the babish with babish it was like it's his name babish babish it was babish i've never watched a video ever. It's Babish. It's Babish. Yeah, and he did Kevin's chili from the office, and he, like, grinds. He, like, used a blender or something to, like, grind up the ancho chilies and stuff like that, and I was like, well, this isn't so complicated,

and I ended up making it myself. It wasn't great. It wasn't great. I've made better chili with just recipes and packs of flavoring. But you wouldn't have dropped five gallons of it on the floor of the office. That was fucking hilarious. That was hilarious. I swiped the chili for two days.

He's like, he makes, and he spills his whole, and he's like scooping it up with a middle of the lobes like frantically trying to be Like it's still good. It's still good because in his fat eyes it is still good Yeah, whatever little hair never hurt nobody you're not gonna see it in there Anything calls in an office floor Throw it away. It's an industrial carpet, too I don't know. Have you ever have you ever dropped something on a floor that is a known floor? So like the general vicinity that food is not normally dropped. So like maybe in your bedroom floor and you pick it up and like you can clearly see that there's like some less than acceptable accoutrements on that.

And then still eating it because that it's like it's like an 80 percent chance I look at it and i go as long as there's not like an extended hair on there it's going in my mouth yeah it's a little hair i'll digest it yeah but so so i've been cooking steak before um and uh and like like dropped a little bit of of that on the floor like i cut off... I'm drunk. How do you get steak on the floor? I don't understand that. That's my thing. Oh, I'm sorry. I interrupted you. Go ahead.

I cut a little bit of the steak off, and I was going to try it to see how it was, and I dropped it on the floor, and I was like, oh, that's getting eaten. That's absolutely... I think it depends on the quality. Did you sear it? Did you sear the steak?

I would have just put it on and just... That's actually right. I think it depends on the quality. Did you sear it? Did you sear the steak? I would have just put it on and just – and then it would have been great. That's actually pretty smart. Kyle is totally right. It depends on the quality of the food that you dropped. If it's a high-quality food that you don't want to miss out on, you'll rationalize it to get it back in your mouth. Yeah, no, 100%. If it's a low-quality food, you just throw it away. You throw the fuck away.

quality food you just throw the fuck away but if you've got like a nicely steep uh seared marinated uh like a bit of steak or something you're like oh i'm i'm eating that like like i you know how bad could it be also but i've eaten steak raw like you need to absolutely oh beef beef carpaccio just just raw beef yeah yeah tartar sorry not carpaccio. Yeah. I like it a lot. I'm not a big fan of beef tartar. I like it too. It's just beef sushi. And it makes you feel cultured, and it's cheaper than sushi. I have sushi in the refrigerator. I bought it to, like, eat. Not that.

Wait, what kind of sushi have you got? I've never had raw beef outside of my quest. It's good. If you have a very quality... I will only trust a beef tartar if I'm going to a place that I expect. A place that if I sue them, they will pay out, right? So when I do get it, though, if it's done well, it's a surprisingly good thing. Because if I get a straight rare or a blue steak, I'm like, that's a little too chewy for me. I need a medium rare, right? Do or like a blue steak i'm like that's a little too chewy for me like i need i need a medium rare right but do you like rare blue i like that sometimes if it's like a really

lean it has to be such a perfect filet mignon or else i can't do it no i like medium rare i like medium rare i want it i want a crust on the outside uh fontand or whatever you call it like i want the outside to be like – Crunchy. And to achieve that, you really need like a really expensive thing. They've got it like Morton's or somewhere like that where they throw it in like a 1,100-degree oven. It's like a 1,500-oven, yeah, and you just put it there and it roasts. It's great.

You can get that with not blue rare, but you can get that with regular rare for sure. Like a nice crusted outside and totally raw on the inside. But that's not – blue is like you microwave two plates and you put them together. Blue is like you slap it on the radiator for 40 seconds. I don't think that's rare. I'll eat it that rare, but I don't prefer it like that. I like it medium rare. I want it warm on the inside. I'm not a super judgy

person with the food people order out at restaurants but when people order steak and they get it well done yeah i do judge them partially absolutely it's like yeah all of the flavor that was in there is gone of all the things that have come out about donald trump the most damaging thing the one that you feel the the worst about him is the fact that he gets his stakes well done and puts ketchup on them. Because I'm like, I don't know anyone. I can't reconcile that. I can't reconcile that. You tell me about Stormy Daniels, I'm like, yeah, fuck her too.

You tell me about cheating on his wife, well, the bitch knew what she was getting into. You tell me about fucking making fun of some guy with some sort of uh like disability it was fucking hilarious he did on the apprentice 10 years ago i don't care about it but the fact that he gets his steak well done it's like ketchup what the fuck is wrong with you why would you why would you do that to yourself medium medium is the least cooked acceptable amount for steak. If you get medium well or medium well done. Well done or medium well. Well done is not good.

Medium is the least acceptable cooked. I will accept well done if you get it on a burger because ground beef is not kosher to eat undercooked. Because it's going through a processing plant with a bunch of different cows and shit, and it shits it out. Steak, on the other hand, all you're eating is the one cow, right? So there's much less likely chance of getting sick there. My father gets his burgers well done. And if he goes to a place repeatedly and it's not well done enough, he tells them to burn it. No.

Burgers are different., burgers are different. Burgers are different. I get my burger medium. Medium well. I get my burger medium. I don't mind a little bit of pink in my burger. Because the thing is, if you're ordering a burger from a place

that even offers the option, it's very good ground beef. Like Burger King isn't like, hey hey would you like that medium rare no they're like we're gonna cook the shit out of this so that we don't kill you because this is a bunch of retired circus animals so we're gonna cook this is australian circus beef we're serving you sir you you you want us to cook it well done do you know what do you want to know what acts he was performing three weeks ago? He rode the bicycle like none other. It was a year ago, Taylor. Medium is perfect for burgers.

I just don't like undercooked ground beef. It's just not healthy. I don't mind. But medium is not undercooked. Medium. Medium. I want a tinge of pink in my Medium. I just I want like the slight. I want a tinge of pink.

I want in my burger. I want somebody to be like, there's a suggestion there. I don't I don't care if you get it more pink. I'm just saying anybody who's like medium rare burger. I'm like, go fuck yourself. That's gross. That's like you're eating beef paste. Yeah, I wouldn't eat a medium rare burger. But honestly, like rare and medium rare are the two best for steaks yes oh

100 and that also depends on the cut if you're getting a filet rare is the best because you get all that flavor and that nice crispy outside yeah if you're eating a ribeye like if you're eating a ribeye something fattier then you need a little more heat a little more time to render it out i'm totally like medium medium rare is better oh i want some steak right now i know such thing as medium medium rare no i was saying medium or medium medium i was like there's a lot of precision in taylor's cooking i don't know you can medium medium rare if he doesn't know what it is i'm leaving god damn it uh i can i can right. So this ties into what Chiz does. So there, you guys, we've talked about it before. Wagyu beef, like certified A5 Wagyu. The surprising thing that I learned when I first had it was when I asked for it medium rare, the guy was like, no, you need this medium well. there's no other way that the chef will sell this to you because the marbling of the fat the fat won't uh melt in like and permeate the beef if you do it rare it's just going to be a chewy slab

of beef so the if you get like certified uh wagyu you should have it at a medium or medium well or medium at the very minimum shocked me had it. Had it, was blown away. But yeah, that was the chef's recommendation at 5.85. This is my next expedition in fancy foods. This is a Spanish ham that costs $700, although I haven't been able to find it for less than $800. Watch them cut it. Just click the video and watch them cut this It looks like they're cutting

I don't know Marble or something Like a stone or something So this pig Yeah right That knife has to be razor sharp Chiz will be all into this Because he's

Well he has a spanish passport so he considers himself a spaniard but uh this this pork uh these pigs are a very specific breed of pigs that are fed nothing but acorns uh which apparently makes the the meat taste much better and just one ham you know which i believe is a leg uh is seven hundred dollars and like i said i haven't been able to find it for less than $800. But I ordered a good bit of it the other day. I didn't order an $800 leg because I haven't tried it yet. But I ordered like $60 or $70 worth of like the meat.

And I'm looking forward to trying it. It looks incredibly delicious. Huh. Man, I'm drunk. I haven't been this drunk in a while. You're adorable. Yeah, man.er doesn't seem very drunk at all i don't know i'm i'm i'm very comfortable this is like a very nice uh like a thursday night drink like i'm very well prepped to go out after this also the reason that i said i forgot chiz was like yo you should postmate steak There's a steakhouse in L.A. that Postmates Wagyu beef.

I can order a $300 Postmates right now. Oh, shit. Dude, if I were there, we'd be getting that right now. I mean, we would, but I'm not going to do that just solely based on the fact that I know that steak will not be as good as I want it to be. It won't be hundreds of dollars. Type in the comments, like, the faster you get here, the bigger your tip is. I just ordered a $300 steak. Think about it.

That guy's going to be hauling fucking ass. You're right. It'll be here in 15 minutes. Wait, what is this you linked, Kyle? Spanish ham? Oh, is this prosciutto? This is the creme de la creme of Spanish ham. This is, like I said, this is the like like like creme de la creme of uh of spanish ham this is like i said this is the the very specific breed of pigs that is fed nothing but acorns like hannibal lecter is

breeding them uh and uh and then i don't know it's aged very fancily in a specific way and then uh jamal it's dry look at look at the marbling in this. I mean, that looks... Oh, that looks so good. I need that. I ordered some. Really looking forward to it arriving. I don't remember. It was $60 with shipping, I think.

Oh, man. That looks really absurdly good. I love cured meat. I like meat. I don't like the way cured meat looks, but I love cured meat. You know what I mean? Like, if you give me a charcuterie board where it's just everything,

I will be thrilled. Like, that's amazing. But, yeah. A charcuterie board. I haven't been to Morton's in a while, but this is really making me want to go to Morton's tomorrow and go get a... Morton's Steakhouse?

Dude, watching this Spanish ham slicing process is making my mouth water. Yeah. Morton's has a bone-in tomahawk filet mignon that's fucking top-notch. It's excellent. It's like maybe $70

for the steak. What is a tomahawk filet mignon? It looks like a-notch. It's excellent. It's like maybe $70 for the steak. What is a tomahawk filet? It's cold and it looks like a tomahawk. You know how a tomahawk is like a hand axe? How many ounces is the steak? Off the top of my head, maybe 13. It's a smaller steak. That's an enormous filet.

That's a big steak. No wonder it's so expensive. Let me confirm that. Dude, 13 ounces of filet will fill you up like an 18-ounce ribeye will. Like, it's just so much more hearty. That's what Wagyu is. I just linked it. The place that I was looking to that I could order from, $78 for three ounces of Wagyu beef.

But those three ounces, like I took my mom who had never had it before. And I was like, mom, you know, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta treat you right.

Let's let's split five ounces of Wagyu. She took like three bites and she was like, well, that's plenty for me. This is like, it's just so rich and unbelievable. I can't imagine five ounces of Wagyu beef? This is A4.

This is not A5. Five ounces is... Oh, no, I'm sorry. Whatever you were speaking of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. $102. Those cows better be getting blown every day. They better be getting everything.

What could you possibly do to make a cow more comfortable? And you know the cows in their own head. Maybe not kill it. Or like, you know what really sucks being here. Maybe let it live. I don't know. I mean, if I was a cow, that's what I'd ask for. They don't give it the old country or no country for old men treatment where they take that thing just done pretty close so does when he does that to that dude in that movie where he just

pulls him over as a fake cop and then puts that thing up there and boom pops him like yeah they make that device look so useful it was like there was he kills people he opens doors I've been meaning to rewatch that and all you have to do is carry around a giant air tank and no one will look at you sideways what are you doing with that? don't ask questions look at my haircut

I'm clearly a retard or a dangerous person and your bank should be on the second. He's so fucking scary. He's the epitome of like Javier Bardem. When he walks into like his boss's like office or whatever with that suppressed fucking Remington 1100. Oh, that's dope as fuck. He just fucking blows him away right there and then

the accountants they're like watching and he's just like ah he's like wait kyle have you ever used a silenced or suppressed shotgun yeah i haven't watched a video of yours where you did yeah i made one actually because i've heard that suppressed shotguns are actually quieter than the suppressed obviously the suppressed supersonic handguns that you use. Maybe not the subsonic ones. It depends on the ammo. If you use subsonic like slugs, like they make

slugs that go slower than the speed of sound, that is quite quiet. It's very quiet. But like regular shotgun shells it takes all the pop out of it and you don't need ear protection but it's still quite loud like somebody's gonna hear it down the road or whatever you know um what he had going on i don't know how to duplicate that that's he had like some sort of

custom-made big fucking crazy suppressor what i what i always used was a uh silencer co uh salvo 12 uh which is the the 12 gauge suppressor that they make uh very cool i don't know how much they cost uh they just gave me one but it's uh it's it's nice it's the production model that everybody uses and um but yeah that movie's badass he's using the shotgun he's using is a remington 1100 which is what i my first shotgun as a kid that's what it was and he's got a like a crazy, big cylindrical suppressor on that bitch. When he walks in that hotel room

full of Mexican banditos, the first guy, he blows his arm almost in half because the guy reaches for his gun. Then the last guy... You even see his arm swing incorrectly afterward after the shot hits. It's pretty cool. Then he goes into the bathroom

and sticks the shotgun in the shower and pulls the curtain and pew! Does he reload when he has to? I'm curious if they're accurate that way. He doesn't need to. He never uses more rounds than the shotgun carries. It holds like, I don't know, five. He only used like

five in the entire sign. I've become sensitive to that. He only used like four. When I watch a gunfight in Walking Dead a lot, I just can't. You know what the worst is? The worst example of it is, the first one that pops into my mind that I can remember,

the movie Anaconda. So the movie Anaconda has a lot of stars in it. It's got John Voight, Jennifer Lopez, and Ice Cube. And there's a part where they they're they're fighting off the anaconda you know that's attacking the boat and he's he's using a bolt action rifle which you know we all know how to use you know we've all played cod you know with bolt action guns you

cycle it every time and he's shooting it semi-automatically he's just going bang bang bang and it's so it takes you completely out of the moment like all right i was able to suspend my disbelief to believe that there was a snake that was like 60 feet long attacking your boat right now and it was hyper intelligent and you needed to fight it off with a weapon but as soon as that weapon starts like magically reloading itself i'm completely out of it it's such just horseshit. Or when I see, like, I watch Ash vs. Evil Dead and he uses a double-barreled

breakdown shotgun and sometimes he'll just shoot it multiple times in a row and they'll even insert a sound effect like from a pump shotgun. No, that's a double barrel. There's no pumping action.

It's kind of annoying. It's kind of annoying. It's like, you know, just do your due diligence when it comes to that stuff. You mean to tell me that Hollywood liberals don't understand how guns work?

It seems that way. Wait, hold on. Bullshit. I was used in a... Look, I've only been to a gun range once where I used handguns only in a very specific circumstance a while ago right and then when i got into vr there was this game called uh

hot dogs hand grenades and handguns or some shit like that right right so so kotaku made a review of the game talking about like how absurd it was to and like how dangerous and how the guy was bothered by how easy it was to shoot the gun and all this shit and how unint absurd it was to, and like how dangerous and how the guy was bothered by how easy it was to shoot the gun and all this shit and how unintuitive it was just terrible. Somebody made a video of my review and the Kotaku review linked together and posted on Reddit. And it got a lot of traction because I was just like, well,

I play call of duty. I guess I just put this in here. Where's the safety. There it is. I pull this one back. Wow, this could be used for gun safety. This is cool because nobody's at risk. This is a bolt action.

I think I pull this one back. Oh, it shoots. It works, right? It was a very normal thing. Yeah, if anybody is just picking up the gun and just firing a bolt action semi-automatically, I feel like that's at the director's discretion. I feel like that's such an absurd oversight. They're just bad at their fucking

job. They're just bad at their fucking job. Or that. Or they're just being lazy about it, and they know that the majority of viewers won't care that much. Wait! To be fair, this is like watching a Fast and Furious movie and counting the upshifts when they're on their 40th gear, and they're like, they're still dragging.

This is the longest quarter mile race I've ever heard. That matters to me as well. If you're in fifth gear, I'm like, wait a goddamn minute. Are you in ninth gear and you're still accelerating in the quarter mile? We're going into ludicrous mode.

Ludicrous speed. I feel like they're not necessarily idiot Hollywood liberals. They might just not be prioritizing that for accuracy. yeah i feel like they're not necessarily idiot hollywood liberals they might just not be prioritizing that for accuracy they might feel like there's a better story if a revolver has 12 shots i think i count how many shots i got yeah revolver shit pisses me off more than any other kind of gun shit in movies because at least i can kind of suspend my disbelief if i turn into a robot yeah i his modem is drunk oh i'm i'm sorry you're better you're back am i back yes yeah you're back i'm back okay i was meaning i i don't like it when i see like someone using a semi-automatic handgun and they shoot like 25.

But I can suspend that disbelief way more than someone who has a revolver and then shoots nine. It's like, do you think we're retarded? Like it's gone around the whole way multiple times now. I don't like that at all. It's just who cares? Like realistically, who cares outside of the very few people that are when i saw iron man we're in the u.s everybody knows how revolvers work all right well here's the thing when i watched iron man i got kind of pissed off because he was like oh i've

created a new element and then like put it in his chest and i was like well that's just not how any of this works and that was like well hate him yeah but i mean but even that i was like well that's just not how any of this works and that was like we'll hate him yeah but i mean but even that i was like i'm in high school i'm like this is just such a hard thing to suspend disbelief i get the same thing with the revolver too and the uh and the upshifting it's just like why you have to sell like why not just show them quickly we're reloading it like one half a frame like that you're telling me that that t Tony Stark inventing an element was the part in the Marvel Cinematic Universe that you thought was inaccurate? It wasn't the alien that's able to fly?

In the original Iron Man, yes. That was the part that I said, hey, you know what? I could see an alien opening up a wormhole, but I can't see you creating another element that was stable. Okay, fair enough. I didn't like even in the first one was like taking parts from a used Ford Escort and turning it into like, oh, if I just take the hood of this,

it's like, no, no part of that Ford Escort is worth salvaging. Nobody has ever said, I need to salvage this. And yet you've created a Superman suit from it. I need to salvage this Ford Esc escort or else the world goes to shit. Thank God they made this room that I'm trapped in full of a ton of parts

that couldn't possibly be useful for the task they've given me. MacGyver would always be locked in a broom closet with some bleach and bubblegum wrappers and C4 or something. If I just pour this, let me in here with a surface-to-air missile. Ha ha ha!

I can turn this into something useful. I can turn this into a service-to-service missile. And we might have software to launch it. He'll ride it like Fortnite. You ever see the Saturday Night Live, like, skit MacGruber? Yes, MacGruber! MacGruber. Yes, MacGruber! MacGruber! Yeah, it was sort of making fun of that fact that, like, MacGyver was always...

Wasn't that... Yeah, they made a MacGruber movie. That's kind of sad, but true. That series, when that dies, I'm going to be sad. That series is ripe for YouTube and internet consumption. Like, SNL as a whole. I know it still does very well on cable, but I just feel like it's on the out. When I was growing up, everybody talked about SNL every night.

Every Sunday, people would be like, so do you see SNL? I'd be like, oh, hell yeah. I don't think I've heard anybody talk about it in ages. I don't think it's going anywhere. Nobody watches SNL anymore. It's not going anywhere. They're ready. They absolutely watch it in the past that's not true compared to what they used to be they used to be like a cultural icon of that's what i'm saying

they're no longer that at all as far as you might be a little swayed by the politics of it because there are a lot of people who think like the the Trump depictions and stuff are must-see TV. I'm just talking about the actual comedy of it. All the SNL skits that I watch on YouTube, it's only the old ones that I'll actually bust out laughing. That are fucking hilarious. The new ones, I may get a titter at most out of it, but this just isn't as good as it used to be. I blame PC media. But really, I don't think they have the same crop of people to pick from.

With Netflix, with F2, with Amazon, with all those alternative media sites, people are able to go from... Because it used to be, you go to SNL, and then you prove yourself, and then you become a star. What you're saying has been the story of SNL for like 30 years, though. It's always been. It was so much better than the previous cast. It's very cyclical. There are definitely generations of SNL that are just shit.

There are time periods of SNL that are real shit. You're like, oh, this cast sucks. Nobody from this cast is going to be a star. And then you have, all of a sudden, they bring out a... They shit out Andy Samberg's era. Well, Andy Samberg really hasn't become a real star. You're right. Well, he's...

Dan Aykroyd or Chevy Chase or... Eddie Murphy. Yeah, Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy was on there for a little while. Gumby, that was fucking hilarious Chris Rock was on there there's a lot of guys that were only on there for a year or two, Mike Myers

Dana Carvey, guys like that I think it's cyclical you're going to see another generation of those guys Eddie Seabrook's done okay there's a girl on it now that I think does a good job he's done more than okay the girl? I don't know which one I want to say she plays Danny Seberg's done okay. There's a girl on it now that I think does a good job. He's done more than okay.

The girl? I don't know which one. Yeah, I want to say she plays Sessions sometimes, but she's funny in her non-political stuff, too. Melissa McCarthy? Yes, her. Yeah, she's done on the show. Melissa McCarthy played Spicer. Spicers, yeah.

I was just having a brain fart on the guy that I loved in SNL and so I typed in fat guy who died in the 90s Oh Chris Farley? Yes and Chris Farley popped up I had a total brain space total brain fart

because I loved Chris Farley He was a hoot But you know what he was that era of comedy that like i almost want to say dumb and dumber era where it's just like i am the dolt but like i am the dolt so well and so composedly it's it's i don't think we're ever gonna go back to that like i'm i really do miss i watch dumb and dumber you watch even watch um zoolander that era of comedy is not gonna come back for a while that whole like it's face value it's just funny for what it is

now everything's like uh not not that i'm saying i dislike it but like the george carlin or like the there's seven layers of this joke you can unpack this when you get home there's more funny to this just think about it kind of thing that It's not bad. I'm just saying that. I don't know. I'm fat and I'm loud. Cocaine! Alright, fellas. Call another audible. Time for another shot. I'm down with it.

Oh, fuck you. I gotta grab a mixer. We didn't talk about audibles in the pregame planning. You never talk about audibles. it's just something you call i don't know what it fully means i think it means when you change the play that your coach called for football but yeah i also only played football for two years so i don't know but i'm calling one an audible These are my favorite two. The fact that you can see his dress shirt

stretching into that diamond shape that it does when you're too fat for it to fit on different buttons, between buttons. It's hilarious. Let's wait for Tucker, and then we'll all do one again. I made a mistake. Are you sorry about me?

I made a mistake. I poured a Kyle-sized glass on that one. You got it, Woody. Woody, no one has ever accused you, or no one should ever accuse you of bitching out on these drinking episodes. No. The couple I've been on, you have gone hard.

I haven't seen him take a split dildo yet, so I'm accusing him of bitching out big time. Until you take it up the ass with Everclear, you're not a real man. That's just called being an adult, and you need to teach your audience that it's okay to say no sometimes. No, no, no. I think Kyle makes some valid

points here. It's also, you're a bitch, but it's okay to say no. You're gonna need Everclear in your butthole before. Do you know Everclear is illegal in some states? It depends on what kind. The 180 or whatever. Can I drink this?

Because I'm just smelling it. Yeah. Oh, sorry. Didn't realize this was a problem. I don't know that I had to wait, actually. Forgive me. You don't. You can just do this.

All right, gang. All right. OJ there? All right. Kyle, will you give me a cheers? Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna pour a drink. Whoops. Yeah, yeah. All right. Kyle, will you give me a cheers? Yeah, yeah, let me pour a drink. Whoops.

Yeah, yeah, let me pour. Yeah, I like a little OJ. Yeah, Tucker doing deconstructed drinks in his mouth. You have to swish it around to make it. No, I just got to make sure that my mouth doesn't taste all like a surgeon. Right. Well done. It smells fucking awful. I'm just really proud of you.

I am proud. Kyle, have you drank from that yet? No. This is the first time mine was bigger than yours. I don't mean to cock measure, because you beat me every time. I was going to say something earlier. The shot before this one, you held up, and it looked like

somebody had collected the backsplash from a urinal. That's a sizable one and a half, two ounce shot. That's a mouthful. I don't know if that one might be bigger than the one I just had, but it's in the same class. Honestly, they've all been mouthfuls.

Kyle has not been sissing out. No. Nobody here has been sissing out. No. Nobody here has been sissing out. Frankly, like I would say of anyone of anyone Kyle has been drinking, or just says I'm watching closely. But Kyle's been taking

quite a few doubles. So I would say of anyone, Kyle probably has the most alcohol in his system right now. Which is a prize. He'll let you win currently. Wait, wait. If I were to try to drive to Burger King right now, I'd kill three people on the way. And that's surprising because, oh, wait, no, you no longer live in a rural area.

That would have been a funnier job. Fox. Yikes. Are you okay? Oh, yeah, yeah. You should include a straw poll in who manned up the most. Put it in the description of your video. I hope they grade that on a curve.

I'll get my ass kicked otherwise. I think it should be graded on a curve. You haven't drank in a year? No, no, no. Woody hasn't drank since our last drinking episode, which was a year and a half, almost two years ago. Because it was like 100 episodes ago or so. I'm super – I feel special. And so if you're grading on a curve, Woody wins.

Woody absolutely wins this. I can't imagine. Because Woody is the only one, like all three of us, drink a couple times a week. And Woody does not at all. My flam tastes a little and Woody does not at all. I was like, that's very generous of you. 78 weeks ago. Thank you, Chiz. So that's a year and a third of the

way. This is honestly the most Woody, how do you talk to women? I just talk to the same one, really. It's just the same one. I've given her all the lines. Shrinking doesn't do anything for me anymore. Hey, I know it's politics. It's not even reliable.

But did you hear the latest Trump thing? No, what did he do? Oh, apparently Trump's doorman came out. Oh, this one, yeah. Yeah, his doorman came out. Okay, I don't trust anything a fucking doorman says. But regardless, let's suspend disbelief. This could be funny.

She said that he was not allowed to criticize the maid because the maid had Donald Trump's baby. And wait, and the only, and the credit to this, besides the he said she said was uh he was forced to sell his story to a national inquirement uh choir's own uh publisher he does have the records of this so it's not like ah i am now coming out saying this it's i received money

to not share this which is so pulled like a Schwarzenegger. Yes. What did you say to me? It's Schwarzenegger. Jesus Christ. He pulled a Schwarzenegger and did that. Yeah, they're saying Trump pulled a Schwarzenegger, which sounded right to me. But the National Enquirer did this.

It's called spiking a story. They bought the Playmates thing. I don't know what we're doing wrong. I'm not laughing at you. So the National Enquirer bought the Playmates story that he fucked, and then they didn't run it. So it's a way of, like, making the story not come out. It's called spiking it.

And apparently they did it with this doorman also. He sold the story to the National Enquirer for $30,000, I think. How would the doorman know enough? That's what I'm saying. How would the doorman know? See, isn't that interesting? It's like if the doorman knows enough, they have to pay him off. What about the lobby person?

Were they fucking on the lobby couch? Hold on. That George and Jerry were talking about? Maybe he knew the maid. Maybe the maid the maid. Have you been, have you guys, collective, been to New York enough to know the situation with doormen there?

Being a doorman in New York City is as much of a legitimate job as being like the front of house at any restaurant, right? I don't think of either of those at any restaurant, right? Well, neither of those. The front of house at a restaurant. I don't think of either of those as a restaurant. When I walk into Outback and there's a 14-year-old... I'm not talking about Outback. I'm talking about...

Kyle, when you walk into Morton's and the person that's in full suit gear... He's wearing a fucking tuxedo. Right, right. That guy is the guy that dictates the entire shit that goes on when you sit down right that guy's making a living off of my tips and he's getting paid well yeah yeah being a doorman in in new york city for better for worse is such a is as much a viable job

as being a gas pumper and yeah especially in trump tower right like that's expected it's as much a job as being a gas pumper okay where'd that come from hey that's a big deal and then i'm saying they're both jobs that don't need to exist but they exist okay yeah like they they sure you don't need somebody to open it for okay sorry i interrupted go ahead this dude watches opens the door and watches you walk in and walk out with every person that you ever enter that building with. So regardless of if it is a like Trump walking in with like a child on his shoulder, like this is little Timmy. I fuck this girl. She had him like the guy sees everything. So it's not necessarily about like how valid is it that this guy who opens doors is to be trusted?

It's just that he sees everybody that enters the building always so it's valid but it's also one of those like you can't totally know yeah you can't really you know i read that he was totally full of shit like his wife came out and said he's a routine liar he's a serial liar he was what this is such like an absurd and like stupid tangential thing to the main meat of whatever drama you're trying to get into like anybody who pulls this out is like well did you hear about the doorman like shut up just stop yeah like it's like there's so much grown-ups investigate the things that like let let those people do those things stop listening to the

doorman or the kind of interesting when the president of the united states has like an illegitimate baby from another person out there you know it's interesting but it's not interesting insofar as we all know that trump was like this beforehand that's the thing like with schwarzenegger it was a revelation i think yeah because it was like this is this is the guy who who works out a lot and is a champion and does this and that who knew that this guy learned anything from kindergarten cop it's that he's wonderful yeah that was boys have a penis girls have a vagina yeah that was schwarzenegger's character being brought down.

This is just like, even if it was true, I'd be like, exactly. So what? Like, this is understandable. What I dislike about it is there is so much shit that Trump is doing. There's too much shit! That is genuinely something I dislike. And then they'll be like, but did you know he fucked this person 20 years ago? I don't care about it.

Does that sway you? It's like, no, focus on that $1.3 million, or trillion, trillion dollar spending bill he just passed. Why are we waiting to trade for? That is stupid and bullshit and awful. Why are we doing this? We don't even have to go to the minutiae and the nonsense to get him. be like you yeah just saying you're someone who understands the economy and

you're so good at the economy i understand how to trick it it's great like you're so good at that and get you past this you sign that like did you see this wait my favorite i god i know that this is such a hot topic and i feel i'm feel my adrenaline's pumping talking about politics online. But no, I was laughing because I was sitting here and I saw pop up like Trump considering talking to other South America countries and Canada about unionizing against a trade war with China. And I was like, wow, some sort of trans Pacific part. That's something Republicans love more unions. I was like, that's such a weird thing that you are proposing. He's legitimately talking about reentering the TPP.

Is that what it is? TPP, yes, trans-Pacific partnership. I was like, wow, how weird it is that you would just pivot 180 and then do the thing you said you would. Like, if you're going to make any claims, you stick to them. He makes me an ass, and this is why. Like, when he pulled out of the TPP, I was like if you're gonna make any claims you stick to them like that is like me an ass and this is why like when he pulled out of the tpp i was like you were like i don't fully understand it but look it seems like all these deals we do poorly in so i'm gonna give

him the benefit of the doubt and then he turns around and is like nobody you should have done that i'm gonna go go with Obama's plan. I'm going to do exactly what I said Hillary would do. I'm going to hire this warthog. That thing Obama did, can I get back in? Yeah. Dude, apparently the China thing is going better than we thought because they're now conceding on a lot of trade points, which is good. Oh, I hadn't read that.

on a lot of trade points, which is good, but like his whole threat of tariffs is like turning off actual conservative people like myself where it's like, dude, you have a I have a trade deficit with my local grocery

store because I don't sell them any bananas. Like, it's not bad to have a trade deficit like by default like and he tries to frame it as though oh you're we give so much for buddy to china then they give to us yeah because we're buying way more shit than they buy from us like that that gap i believe is closing but you think that he's not appealing towards uh he's not appealing to to you he's appealing to the person that hears trade trade war and we're

gonna win it and they're just like yes they're not appealing to somebody who's like well i read anything about this and it was wrong like that he should be appealing more to people like me like mainstream saw this coming nobody could have saw this coming like there's there are way truly a mystifying experience. Dude, there are hundreds of times more mainstream conservative people like me who want us to cut taxes and cut spending, and that includes the fucking military. You mean like 1990s Republicans, old Republicans,

like the real ones before they got... Republicans, like the real ones. And old Democrats. Just everybody pre-1995 era. And even just normal people. We just got really far over on this side. It's just aggressively. You guys and your politics.

Can I change the topic? Yes, sir. Sorry, I was out. This is a little long, but Sailing La Vagabonde Got really interesting this week Nothing you said Did a shark eat the guy? If a shark ate the guy And the girl got naked

I would be very interested If a shark ate the guy And the girl's clothes Riley Who's the guy Had a spinal injury While they were trying to cross the Atlantic Ooh, I like that

Okay, maybe she's looking for someone else Maybe Elaina, a local man Who can walk around Elaina loves it Very dedicated to Riley But it's kind of scary And there's some tears For people that don't know,

these guys were guests on the show. They were really interesting. Riley fit in with the boys just fine, and Alina was horrified the whole time, which was interesting in its own way. She went to an island, and the men would hiss at me

and try to sexually attack me. That's just the way they are. That's how culture you know culture we gotta be we gotta be respective of it you know respectful of it you know i love that she's so nice and kyle tell me if you agree before we get into this video i'm gonna call another audible no we're all gonna take a shot that was about half an hour ago i just went outside and talked to kitty and she was like i was so drunk she was like let me take a picture of this this is for twitter she was like because i'm staggering around i'm gonna recall an audible and everyone's gonna hate me for this but the next drink is in eight minutes. Yeah, in eight minutes.

Can you take a breath? I was meaning to do this in lieu of that one, but okay, we can wait for eight minutes. You could do an ad. I just wanted to front load it so that we see the effects. I'm in desperation mode. I need to see it. Okay, Kyle, I'm going to choose just that. In 8 minutes

Final ad read then shot Alright What are we clicking I'm sorry I just linked it Okay I was like I feel so left out This is a 17 minute video Yeah yeah yeah I think if you get I'm expecting to get like 3 to 5 minutes in

We'll call it when we call it What a bold strat, okay? Yeah, she's pretty fucking hot right like like like well. I can't tell cuz I paused it like a good news She's a 10 She's she's she's definitely like an eight and a half or something you guys are gonna rate the girl I'm already the face is very pretty let's rate the guy Her face is very pretty. Yeah, let's rate the guy. She's a-

You know, a lot of one-sided shit. Alright, what's the timestamp? Uh, zero actually. The guy really needs to lose the mustache. Okay. Are we ready? Yeah. Yeah.

3, 2, 1, play. But what's the doctor gonna be able to tell me? Yeah, she's very- I agree with the loss of the mustache. Right? She has incredible eyes. Yeah, she's very pretty. Her- Oh yeah, she's cute as shit.

You're not seeing her at her best. You need to see her like... I don't even care! diving for clams or something. I would marry her! I love it. I love that. After this intro, they're gonna go right into what happened. Wait, are these people that are living on the sea?

Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, they literally sail around the world and make YouTube videos about it. That's their thing. That's amazing. They're seafaring homeless. Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm pretty scared of this. We've got a $90,000 boat, and that's all. We've got a $90,000 boat.

We can sail for $30,000 in a year! We're gonna keep it for longer. Alright, I'm sorry. If you're a subscriber, we've got to eat fish in it again. It's just another fish. So, maybe this is good, just so they can see, they're currently doing what's called a transatlantic crossing. And they're in like the here it is um really explained

broke my neck in brazil i wish but there's a long story about it but they're getting fucked up on the boat paralyzed do you not see that with his left arm i didn't notice he looks a little like Gollum Like imagine I could see you know had spinal surgery if I get a spinal procedure done Are you wanna go to Mexico? It's not to go That's good. Yeah, just you're sailing across We could slide right in here this guy's this guy's done and I freaked out again because the man I wish I'd kept my boat

same thing happened So if you guys haven't been able to follow this And I've got my neck my neck so if you guys haven't been able to follow this He has an existing spinal and sat down and I was like oh, no, and he was arguing on Alina and he hit his forehead and re-injured his spine He's boys all hooked up This I'm Feeling in my left arm again, I don't care at all. It's all about this really cute chick.

Honestly if he's paralyzed... SHUT UP! Oh yeah, I started working again but I don't know what's happening with my neck. Man, that feeling is still behind. Oh, I love when you cry, right? That's the hardest thing you can do. Oh yeah. Smile, cry. You know when you cry and your nose runs too? Does your pussy get wet?

Oh yeah, it's so- Jesus! We're about 350 miles out from Canary Islands. And the wind's blowing us towards the caravan. I wanna really scare the shit out of him, right? Like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, stop the video, Chaz. Yeah, we can stop. My question is, man, this is three minutes of somebody complaining about they sailing. Yeah. With a spinal injury. They sailing.

Like, come on. Yeah, these are really annoying people. They're not. I love these people. I liked them on the show. I love them on the show. Because she said nothing, which is the perfect trait for women. Jesus Christ.

And he talked a lot about, you know, alluding to things like fucking that great pussy on his boat. Right, yeah. Back on the island, I was moving with the best of them. There's no such thing as ripe out on the sea, yeah? I watch most of their videos, and I can tell you that when they're away from land, clothing is optional. They don't film it that way, but they let on.

I am uncomfortable slaying in cock, Woody. I need to have a special place to slay. That's because you're not a medium like this guy here. You're right. As a large, I have problems. I're right. I would walk around naked every day if it were allowed. I just don't care about him at all. Wouldn't you guys? He's the least interesting person.

I like him. That's not true. I just care about her and her titties, and I find her bizarre. You don't want to hear about those ocean exploits? I look at them through a different lens. I see just two young people making their own way through the world, and I look at them through a different lens. I see just two young people making their own way through the world and I root for them.

Nah. Really? Her whole defense of the rapey islanders and stuff. She's so... They have a trust fund. She's incredibly hot. She's incredibly what?

She's incredibly hot, but there's no way you could date this chick because she's so hot no no she's incredibly what i can't she's incredibly hot but there's no way you could date this chick because she's like so dim-witted because of like when you when you heard her like like like take on the whole fucking like like islanders being rapey oh as you still why they all kyle are you telling me the girl in her lower 20s doesn't understand the world no there's no fucking clue i don't believe that one bit i think she has a solid understanding i want to throw this out there for tucker and people who didn't watch the episode they were on um the actual truth is he worked on a oil rig where you can make a lot of money in like six months and then he bought a boat not even knowing how

to sail it just started fucking sailing around the world not knowing what the hell he was doing early on he met her at like a marina who also doesn't know how to sail and he's like hey you want to go around and figure this out with me and she was free spirit enough to be like yeah i do and uh free spirited is a fun way to say reckless and dumb so and she uh i think originally it was like, hey, you know, we'll sail. I hope I'm getting this right. We'll sail for like a week or two and see if we're fit. And they've been sailing for years now.

Well, I've got no other direction in life. So, okay. I'll just. She's like, take me back home. And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, we got drifted into the South Atlantic. So, they watched these things. I think Aldous Huff on this boat was mustachioed,

strange, eh? Go out into the open sea. Look at him, a smart guy. He's so terrible. I do? So she's a musician and kind of a creative sort. Of course she is. So she started making YouTube videos out of nothing, right?

Like we all did at one point. And got more and more popular. And he's kind of the captain of the sailboat, but not necessarily. Not the captain of the content. And she's the captain of the content. Yeah, that's all I care about. Like, he should just be holding the camera quite right now.

I feel like they're aware of what they do sometimes. Like, every so often, it'll be like, here's a shot of Elena buttoning up her trousers with a bikini on underneath I would rather watch her Masturbate than watch any Amount of sailing I would subscribe, donate

And I would never get the fuck out If it was just If it was just her masturbating Get this guy with a mustache To hold the camera like he should be I don't want him on camera at all. Book him on the show. Bring him back because they're sailing to America.

They'll have good internet. Only if she'll masturbate on the show and he'll hold the camera and not be on it at all. He was good on the show. Oh, you had him on the show. Yeah. I actually disagree. I think he was good on the show. I liked him.

Yeah, he was. So what happens when we get people on the show is some people can roll with the punches right and they're like yeah you're right midget on midget porn is hard to find and uh it was nice to have him who was really in his element and fit in with us just fine and her who was just horrified and disgusted by every conversation we brought up straight. We were in a hub together Yeah, all right and here we go with the next shot friends Corruptor and like put something weird in her butt all right Talk to her about Jesus. I know what he's gonna pour. I wanna talk to her about dildos that squirt alcohol. Jesus Christ.

We gotta get Woody drunker because Woody is hilarious. He's not nearly drunk enough. I know. Fuck you! Oh my god. I'm the most drunk and I feel bad. First of all, absolutely not. We've doubled everything you've drank. Woody, let me... Go ahead. I'm sorry. I was just gonna say we're all very impressed with

the quips that have been coming out of your mouth today. They've been top tier. You haven't even said anything. That's what you think till tomorrow. Yeah, you've been quipping quite a bit, and it's been good. I recall none of them.

Tomorrow morning, you're going to wake up and go, Oh, no. I made a fool of myself all right last video we're gonna do a quick shot we went sailing we we did a lot of things only got a hundred thousand views this week here's the latest pussy quarter million i'm just gonna say while you guys are all dealing with that, my biggest pet peeve are the people that record videos under the premise that they're trying to find themselves or like the people that are like, I'm backpacking for the next three years of my life. OK, and I will let you add read in a minute here, but I'm backpacking for the next three years of my life and I'm'm gonna vlog it off the backs of other people that give me money i hate that i love that i'm still watching that's what hypothetical single boy does he's cleaning the boat i don't care like you can only use one of them just run the ad i want to see the hot chick poop that's not the ad

elena he's drunk he doesn't really want to see you he probably does really want to see that he wouldn't have said it otherwise I bet they're tiny poops like a rabbit I bet they smell like roses I mean I probably not that bad you should probably play the ad oh right right is this the mid roll

yeah so everybody be quiet Woody's going to play a thing and then he'll let us know when it's done ready Yeah, so everybody be quiet. Woody's going to play a thing, and then he'll let us know when it's done. Ready? Oh, just quiet. This episode of PKA is brought to you by the all-new season of the FXX animated comedy, Archer, Danger Island, premiering Wednesday, April 25th at 10 p.m. on FXX. Season 9 centers on the semi-functional alcoholic seaplane pilot, Sterling Archer,

as he navigates the mysterious and deadly world of Danger Island, located on the lush South Pacific island of Mitimotu in 1939. While the rest of the world is concerned about the impending Second World War, Archer is only concerned on who's buying his next drink. Along with his trusty co-pilot, Pam,

Sterling must navigate quicksand, cannibals, super-intelligent monkeys, poison darts, pirates, and did we mention quicksand? Welcomeibals, super intelligent monkeys, poison darts, pirates, and did we mention quicksand? Welcome to the mysterious and deadly world of Archer Danger Island. Watch the all new series of Archer Danger Island Wednesday at 10 starting April 25th on FXX.

Alright. That was successful. Oh, there's a new girl. I'm still watching the Vagabond video. There's a new girl, Lily. watching the bad the vagabond video there's a new girl lily lily yeah lily's in there they got a whole bunch of liquor lily's getting all drunk i don't know what they're doing right now but yeah yeah i don't know like she honestly like like he their whole thing is kind of interesting that they sell the boat and that's what they do or whatever. That must be a really cool lifestyle. But I don't care enough to watch.

I really just care about the really smoking hot chick that he's got on the boat inexplicably, by the way. And what she's up to. And she's clearly like... Have you checked to make sure she's not like blinking in morse code on her videos yeah i i wonder i was about to say like i don't think she's retarded she cares so much for him she keeps she keeps saying sos so yeah my dog she wants sauce right like like but that doesn't mean that i'm a wonderful oh my dog loves me so much. I must be wonderful. No, he's a dog. Hitler's dog loved him.

Hitler's dog fucking loved him. Fucking Wiener Schnitzel every goddamn day. You know, he didn't care about the Jews. He was a German shepherd, right? He didn't even know that Jews were a thing. He didn't know Jews were a thing, right? It's not a thing in his world. Let's not pass any judgment on that dog.

I feel like... Oh, here's a topic that I've seen brought up. Tucker, you might be muted. Oh! Wow, I was like, man. Hey, I was like, yeah. Here's a topic people have brought up. They've been like, oh, Taylor,

your teeth look way different now so i got my bite fixed finally yeah yeah i got it totally fixed like so now like when i bite down like my jaw actually or my teeth rather like actually lock in place like it it stays in the same spot and what they had to do was go into my front like eight teeth and my back bottom molars and add like this composite shit where they put like a thin layer yeah they had fuck you fuck you freak oh freak they uh Fuck you. Freak. Oh, freak. So, like, you probably didn't notice because the viewers have only ever seen my teeth one way, but you can't tell through the screen as much. My teeth were ground down to shit. Like, apparently the normal amount of grinding and destroying teeth is a millimeter per 50 years.

And my teeth were ground down well over two millimeters and so my dentist was like yeah so you have like the grinding that we would see in like someone who might be like 125 and i was like oh well that's not good wow i can't do the math but that's dude my my teeth were fucked like they like i't do the math, but that's too bad. Dude, my teeth were fucked. Like, I take good care of them, but that doesn't help grinding late at night because I night grind really bad because my teeth don't line up correctly. Like, my front teeth didn't go over my back teeth. They just lined up on each other. And so they're always looking for a new place to go in the night, and you grind hard as fuck at night

because the mechanism that tells you not to grind isn't active during the night. And so he went through, put all the tips and pieces back on my teeth that I had ground down to shit, and now I'm waking up for the first time in years. Years! In as long as I can remember. I just assumed everybody woke up in the morning with like jaw pain and like like a slight headache i feel so bad for you because i ground so bad and

now like that i'm i have teeth that bite correctly i'm like man waking up in the morning is like awesome like you don't have a bunch of pain like your jaw doesn't hurt he told me i have the largest masseter muscles of anyone he's ever seen and he's in the midwest in his he's in his 60s if lefty were here right now taylor what would you say to him i'd say i am i am so sorry for being such a cunt to you dude i i wish I could talk to him again just so I could say I'm sorry. I was such a cunt, such a needless asshole to him. You haven't had nearly enough to drink. Okay, I'll have another shot.

Because if you had a couple more drinks, you would know that Lefty's a crippled waste of time and space. Dude, the biggest thing i had against lefty at that point in time is that it was in when the blackhawks were in their like streak of greatness and i knew he was a chicago fan and that gave me so much anger where it was like i bet you didn't even care about him six years ago did you i cared six years ago you know and we sucked then too like but anyway yeah i would say that's but to the teeth thing like i i'm still looking i am so fucking happy that my that my teeth line up now like i i don't wake up a jaw pain like my the sides of my head

don't hurt in the morning. I don't know. It's one of those things that you become so accustomed to over years that you don't realize how big of a problem it is. Because my dentist literally took me into the side consulting room and was like, all right, right now we're on Operation Save Taylor's Teeth. And I was like, oh, that's not good. I'm going to be 27 soon.

That shouldn't be such an early thing. But I had ground my teeth down. Like, you know how if you put your finger in the back of your mouth, you can feel all the points on your molars, right? Yeah. I have none of those. It's just flat like a horse or something. It's flat.

It's like a horse. How often do you need to get them rebuilt they got my so like five years i had them do the composite thing at first uh just to make sure that it would actually work and fix my bite because these things will last between like a year and five years and all it is is a thin layer of shit over your teeth and then they rebuild the points that you ground down and so it's just a thin layer and then making your teeth the way they should be and would you beat a shetland pony to death with a baseball bat to fuck elena what make it 10 the question was clear i know the question i was just taken aback by this. And we're talking about the nicest, cutest Shetland pony you've ever seen.

Like, he's friendly. He's not one of those that bite or whatever. You're mistaking me for someone who would give a fuck about that. No, I would beat that pony to death with my fist, if need be. I would burn a Shetland pony alive with a flamethrower while it screamed and whinnied to fuck to fuck alina okay well i actually would too so i can't judge Kyle, what is something you wouldn't do to a pony? I think you should just come up with horrible things and ask me if I would do them because I can't think of anything. Would you fuck the pony? I would absolutely fuck the pony to fuck Elena right after.

Yeah, right after, right? Do I get lubed up? Yeah, sucking off that horse. She has to watch There's nothing you've said I would fuck Wings of Redemption In the asshole If it meant that I got to fuck Elena Alright I'm buzzing out

I'm trying to think of something tougher Do your best. She's not that cute, Chiz. Oh, man. She's very fucking cute. Look at her eyes. She's got great eyes. She's cute as fuck.

You know what? This is creepy, but I like it because she's nice. Anyone who wants to join me is welcome. Yeah, I got you, buddy. I fucking knew Tucker would. The worst about her is when she starts talking. From Concentrate, OJ? I don't agree.

Oh, no. I got this from an organic LA pop-up shop. Does it say not from Concentrate? Honest to good freshness is what it says. Let me make sure it says 100% juice. It doesn't say anything about not from concentrate. Then it's from concentrate. Hypothetical single Woody is Riley.

And she's a perfect partner. She learned to drive that boat. I don't care if she could drive the boat. Woody, you need to pump your brakes and stop saying about single Woody. This is all viewable. Hypothetical singleody has been a character on the show for five years He's a character we all yeah, I don't care if you sell a fucking boat like this really concentrate. I'm pissed All that means is that they just still it down I it concentrate, and then re-add water to make it juice. Would you fuck a mildly retarded chick, Taylor?

Like, she's got an IQ of 90. Hold on. Okay. No, 90 isn't retarded. That's why I said mildly retarded. Like, she looks like a lame. I had sex with somebody on the spectrum. So let me describe this.

Let me describe this. My IQ is 80. She looks like a lame, but she technically can't drive a car. Like she can't even drive a car because they won't give her a Bible lesson. And she's like, she's real fucked up. Right? Honestly, like her IQ is 80. Which 90 is not the cutoff.

Like 80 is more semi-retarded. Yeah. I would. 80 is more semi-retarded. Yeah. I would... I'd buy her a Happy Meal and do whatever I wanted, I think. Right?

I've had sex with someone... Oh, my God. So the Happy Meal is a seduction advice? I thought you were just being nice at first. No, I was being nice, but also she gets a toy. Pam, I'm so happy that you're with elena um you know we were elena we're so happy that you're with elena we was very afraid that she would be

taking advantage for some some bogan or some some bogan i don't know what that means but what do you mean a bogan is a derogatory air quote term for australian yeah oh okay i didn't know that that's like a chive if you're uh yeah chav what the fuck i know what i know what chance but anyway go ahead kyle yeah yeah well he's afraid she'd get hooked up with some bogan or some dirty maori or some moldy or something like that but nice to see her with a with a smart straightforward white fella like you we're happy do with it as you will you know from the us of a all three holes whatever you like you know take it out of your boat we you know do your thing you know you just just explore explore her body like she's the map in sea of thieves

just hit every corner you know fire cannons off holy shit she's the map see that exactly I would I would definitely fuck her

I wouldn't be very comfortable with it if she was a retarded person. Because I would, for my own vain reasons, I don't want to fuck anyone who's retarded. I'd fuck somebody with Asperger's. That's what she said. She's like, Taylor, give me your feed. Give me your feed, Taylor. I want it in my... Does she talk like that?

If she talks exactly like that. If she talks like that, then I'm out. Give me your feed. Do you not want to give me your feed? She's fucking retarded. No, I don't want that. If she's an actual retarded person, then I would prefer not to fuck her

because that seems pretty genuinely degenerate. I am way too drunk. There's no way I come back from this level of drunkness without a visit to sick town. You do. Woody, see, a lot of this is going to be mental

toughness. I'm being 100... No, no, no. I'm being 100% serious with you. There are times where, later in the night, you're going to be mental toughness i'm being 100 no no i'm being 100 serious with you there are times where later in the night you're gonna think i gotta vomit and if you have the mental toughness to say no you don't that's just you getting away from yourself you don't need to do that you're fine you will be okay name a story that you would fuck even though she was retarded. Wait, who? I didn't get that. Name a celebrity that you would fuck even though she was retarded.

Scarlett Johansson could be putting a square peg into a round block and I would fuck her. So Scarlett Johansson could say, hey, this is my friend, Payroll. I want you to take me on a boat ride. Yeah.

I'd put her on a floaty in the bath, tell her it's a boat, and then we'd get in bed. What's so hot about Scarlett Johansson? Oh, everything. Her face is. Oh, her face is perfect. Her body proportions are perfect. Like, she's not super thin. Right.

She's curvy in the way that, like, fat women try and pretend that they're curvy. But, like, Scarlett Johansson is actually curvy. Like, she's got a nice silhouette. Scar Jo? Yeah, Scar Jo. She's hot as fuck. So, she is my celebrity fuck. Did you watch that movie where she's completely nude in front

of the mirror and everything yes yeah it's good stuff i didn't watch the movie but i watched those clips uh she is really cute she is fucking hot really really super hot uh that dumb smirk oh oh i don't care about the dumb no i like her name and all you get is headshots. That's what I'm looking for. Go to MrSkin.com. Yeah, MrSkin.com. MrSkin.com is a credible website. I would love to have them as a sponsor so that we could delve into it. We still can delve into it. Isn't that just the site that tells you when people get naked in certain movies?

In movies and any media whatsoever, they have this whole contest every year where they have all these really interesting categories. You know, the Oscars has categories like Best Picture, Best Actress, Best Cinematographer, and stuff like that. They have categories like Best Rear Beaver. Or Best Frontal Nudity.

Another shot, fellas, because we're getting close. No way. I'm not. We just had a shot 19 minutes ago. Honestly? Wait. That was the last shot we had. Nope. It wasn't.

No, no, no. The fact that you know exactly the time to the minute, 19 minutes. I just looked at it on my screen. It's on my screen. Don't let specificity get in the way of our judgment. We just had a shot 20 minutes and 4 seconds ago. It's not hard to see. I just didn't realize that I was in on a man-made shot.

Shot right now. We're all doing it. Everyone, cheers. Woody, I'm waiting for you. I'm waiting for you to cheers. You're such a dick. Woody, you're fucking killing it. I'm too far already.

I'm going out after this. I have people that I need after this. So you totally need more liquor. Alright. No, no, no. Let's wait for Woody and I. God damn it, Tucker. I thought we were all going to do it together.

You're going to have to pour another one. I'm a lone man. I'm pouring a small one. I don't blame you. I will say, Tucker has quite the tolerance. It's very impressive. This really is impressive. Honestly, Tucker is like, what a bitch.

That was a good shot. But you want to know what? I actually like the taste of it at this point in the night. Wait, did you drink it already, Woody? I did drink it already. You're just the waiter. I did. You can check the tape.

Everyone knows I drank it. I'm not going to check the tape. I'm out of water. I feel like Woody didn't drink it. He's just saying, check the tape Everyone knows I drank it I'm not gonna check the tape I feel like Woody didn't drink it He's just saying check the tape Also your wife is the MVP I see her constantly bringing you Glasses of water I have to get my own water I've went most of the way through this

How much was this Wait wait wait let me guess 18 ounce. No, no, no. That's 24. That's a solid 24. One and a half liters. A gallon is 48, and a gallon is 1.5 lead to O's.

I have killed. 50. I said 48. It's 50. Nice call. I might not be drunk enough, because I just realized my wife is coming to get me more water. I asked for it. It's 50. Nice call. I might not be drunk enough because I just realized my wife is coming to get me more water. I asked for it. She's coming? That's nice.

And I'm looking at Scarlett Johansson nude pics, and that might be a disconnect. It's her sitting in front of it. Imagine Faith walking in here like, what are you doing? Matt, what are you doing? Jackie, it's just for the time. It's for the memes, Jackie. It's for the memes. Yikes. Wrong name there.

Did we play that? I'm sorry. Did we play that ad? Yeah, we're all caught up on ads. We're all caught up on ad reads. Okay, so we're all done with the ads. Is that the case? I'm pretty sure, yeah. We got a post-roll one.

Oh, of course, we have a post-roll on this episode. If you want me to do it, I'll do it for you, Kyle. No, no, it's done. I just have to play it. Yeah, the people over at FXX were not... They really thought ahead.

They were like, we would like you to pre-record these advertisements. And so I pre-recorded the ones for FXX yesterday. It's Archer Danger Island. This isn't really an ad read right now, but I'm kind of talking about what the deal is. I guess it's Archer on an island.

I think he's still in his coma's dream sequence. Dude, I'm just glad that Archer's coming back because even though I loved the first few seasons the most You loved every season I've loved every season of Archer and I think it's going to be great that they're coming back with more

So Jackie walked in and I flipped off a tab that was filled with pictures of Scarlett Johansson She should know she should be looking another tab that was filled with pictures of scarlett johansson and i didn't know it until she left no it's fucking on after pka tonight like go go put on your fucking black widow costume fucking i want to see some cult wheels i want you to punk at

least twice and then let's get into it do you know about uh clicking the bottom right hand corner of your task bar uh on windows 10 if you scroll all the way down to the bottom right hand corner task bar there's a little line you click it and it minimizes everything i wonder if if i do that obvious i don't know everybody's frozen but me it's a real thing it exists i've been uh tweeting live updates to our level of drunkenness and i'm now drunk enough that I don't think I can continue that. I knew you had, because my Discord is all talking about your updates or whatever. My tweets. Hey, everyone. Mercaderka on Twitter.

Follow me. Yeah, get on his Instagram, too, because that helps him get there. Are you guys really putting in work on this Instagram bullshit? Well, let's see. Dude, my Instagram – The bigger Taylor's Instagram gets, the more bitches he can sway to trust him because if you've got a really big Instagram, you know, 80, 90,000 or something like that, there's no way he can be a creepo, right?

There's a way. That's the kind of guy you can go over to his house in the dead of night. Tucker, will you give me a diagnostic on my Instagram? Yes, I will. What is a diagnostic? First off, I love the first photo. Oh, yeah. I'm jacked as fuck.

I love your prison outfit. Man, you as a whole you is so different from you as a head up Skype call. Yeah. Your Halloween photo, you look like a snack, Taylor. Oh, dude, I got technically molested that night. Wait, your Instagram is like six photos old. Do you like the one of me photoshopped as Vladimir Putin riding a horse? That's the one that I was talking about.

I said, wow, that's like a fabulous photo. You've got you as Putin on a horse, two hockey photos, Halloween, a photo of a water bottle. You photoshopped into what looks like the fucking. Are you really in the Martian? Martian, yeah. Whatever that is. And then two pictures of eggs on like a paper plate. You didn't see what the egg was.

I said I was eating off of a free-range vegan tray. Alright, thanks. I appreciate the fact that you're going to that joke. You gonna live? Of course. What? Go on with that joke. You got to live? Of course. No, I was saying that Kyle.

What? You got the hiccups? No, I mean, what was on that sandwich aside from? This water is warm. If you don't follow STL underscore Taylor on Instagram, you are a bona fide faggot. I can't get behind that one. Instagram. You are a bonafide faggot. That's me. I can't get behind that one. You are a bonafide bundle of sticks gay person who I don't want to associate with. Taylor, would you flex for us on the show so I can compare it to your Instagram version of you?

Would I do what? Flex for us on the show. I want to see a front double bye. A front double buy? It's a single buy. I won't do that on the show. You have to follow me on Instagram to get that.

You want to follow Taylor on Instagram because Taylor uses that to parlay himself into pussy. So every thousand followers he gets on Instagram is literally an extra himself into pussy. Alright? So every thousand followers he gets on Instagram is literally an extra grade of pussy. If you don't follow STL

underscore Taylor on Instagram, you are inhibiting my sexual progress. I wish that was the way it worked. That is the way it works. How many Instagram followers do you have? I could see yours100 those are rookie numbers gotta pump those numbers up i only have 10 posts tucker how many two of them are me photoshopped into vladimir putin images

tucker what do you got do you have an instagram yeah uh 353 000 dude tucker if you don't shout me out and tell people to follow my shout outs they only like you absolutely do you need to do it tucker has 353 000 so if i know anything about tinder he's i swear to god i'm not saying we put this podcast together and you don't shout me on instagram. I'll find you and I'll probably Tell you out I feel like I get like legal ramifications like sponsors were coming back. Who is this Taylor this guy? Taylor's one step away from like PKA 140 Taylor. He's like I swear to God you cunt. If you don't shut me up, shout me out. No, Jericho, you're a fucking cunt and I fucking hate you. If you don't fucking shout me out! Oh my God.

Okay. Don't do it on the ground. Yeah, my spit, of course, everything inside of me tastes like Grand Gala. I came in a chick's... Yeah, I believe my cum would get you drunk at this point. I came in a chick's mouth the other day and you drunk at this point I came in a chick's mouth the other day and she was like it tastes vaguely like orange

that makes sense to me no um lovey touchy drunks here no not lovey touchy at all mostly drunks who are concerned about their social media following I have a job I have a job, alright?

I have a job that I need to keep up. Alright? Coming on here is a threat to my livelihood. He's the opposite for many people. I know, but for me, it's very much I'm like, oh no, what are we going to do today? Are we going to talk about the cripples? I can to talk about the cripples?

I can't talk about the cripples. Oh, not the cripples again. And the retards. The crippled retards. I can't even say that word. Oh, my God. We're fucking retard cripple faggots. No.

I was at the grocery store today. I was driving up to the grocery store. I was just going to get some bread and milk and some other bullshit, like random shit. And, you know, they've got those, like, hash marks where it's like oh this is for people walking only you know you have to stop over the crosswalk yeah i think and there was a man who weighed i'm gonna guess 500 pounds in a like electric scooter and the scooter didn't have the power to haul his enormous girth so his wife or late friend whatever was towing him like a mule wait are you kidding me like i'm like i'm like i'm not making this up like she's towing him like a mule she has both of her hands

behind her pulling like loving it like on the front of the scooter. There's like a like a like a basket, like a cart to put your groceries. And she has both hands on it, towing him like a mule. And and I have to stop to like wait on them to like get past me to their fucking car. So I'm just sitting there, you know, put on the brakes or whatever. And I looked to my left and there's a black guy there sitting on the bench. And he looks at the fat fuck and I look at the fat fuck and then we both look at each other and I've got my sunglasses on, but I just like raise my eyebrows so, so high that like you can tell. And we both crack out, crack up laughing, like looking at each other

and like, like pointing at the fat guy it was such a it was such a fucking brilliant moment of me and this random stranger both just just just laughing at this freak of nature making his way across the the crosswalk it was it was a good day it i was having kind of a shitty day you know i had to go like run a bunch of errands i don't like doing that i go to the bank and like change rent like change my mailing address and run a bunch of errands. I don't like doing that. I go to the bank and change my mailing address and do a bunch of routing number bullshit and I'm paying some taxes. It's boring.

It's no fun. But when I got to mock a fat man with a random stranger at the supermarket today, that really perked me up. Made me feel good. I hate fat people. I hate them. them okay because i see in them my own weakness like all i see in my own gluttony to be fair it's like if i ate everything i wanted to i would be

fat if you could exterminate one group of people extermin exterminate them from the earth, any race, any creed, any religion, any way you categorize people, whether it be a professional. Cashiers that move too slowly. People who like mayonnaise. That just happened? That's your, like, I must rise up and fight the cashiers. Woody is hard on the cashiers, but they're making minimum wage and he's usually filming them. Fuck them. They're giving me attitude.

They look at the things I'm buying and judge and then key in something and fucking piece by piece move it. That's my group. I've been there. That's not the case. Which one

would you eliminate? Who would I eliminate? Do you need to think? Because I have mine. I'm going to start with mine. I eliminate bottle service comped females and I'm sure

there are males in that area, but as somebody who goes to clubs often... Don't have to pretend. There are males in that area, but as somebody that goes to clubs often... Don't have to pretend. Aren't they mega hot? There are males in that area. No male has ever asked backwards about himself in bottle service. You're right.

There's nothing that is as unattractive as somebody who acts like they belong in bottle service. Like, you don't belong there. None of us belong here. You should have... Carry a sense of, like, self-worth. But every time I stand in the line for a notch party outside his house and i have to hear the 13 people in front of me go well brett said he got me in like while i wait with my very real entry uh for them

to sort it out with the bouncers like those types of people, the bottom-feeding cretins that try and suss their way into any formidable social event, they can disappear. I would be very happy. I don't understand. Did we change from bottle service to something else? I mean, they're the same type of people. The people that act entitled to enter an area of exclusivity

because they're attractive and they know somebody who is already in that space. Kyle, you got it. You awake? Hello? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. It's all good.

What did you say? Where you were going from, Mirka? I was trying to keep Kyle from falling asleep on his goddamn gaming chair. Yeah, Jesus Christ, Kyle. You guys have been head down. I felt like I drank too much. Maybe. Did you?

No, don't ever let that stop you. Yeah, Kyle, it's all mental. Just because everyone says, you have a problem, you're drinking too much, it's all the time. Don't let that stop you. Oh, my god. I am two shots past already getting sick. I don't know, man. You just don't seem drunk to me.

I feel like you haven't gotten... You've made no sexual advances toward Melaina. You're not belligerent. You haven't made any racial or sensitive remarks. I'm actually really happy that all of this has not happened. You haven't called Tucker a faggot yet.

Thank you for that. That's four for four. That's true. I haven't called anyone a faggot or a cunt at all yet. Much to my delight. I'm trying to have a social presence. Taylor called Tucker a fot, I think.

You definitely did. That was more a throwback than an actual malicious statement. She is ranked the drunkest. Gotta swear to God if I'm number four. It doesn't go by a mountain drink. It goes by drunkest. God damn it.

Tucker's in fourth. Kyle Taylor, Woody Tucker. Wait, are you sure? I think it's Woody Kyle, Taylor me. Thank you. I think you're quite wrong in that regard because you are clearly an alcoholic

because you have helped with us. I didn't think that this was going to be like a... No one's smudging anyone. I didn't think this was going to be like a... No one's judging anyone. I didn't think this was going to be a sit-down where it was like, oh, Tucker, half the man. Tucker, this has all been a long-form ruse to sit down.

I'm 150 pounds off alcoholism. I knew it! I knew it! I'm going home! It doesn't look that impressive at this point. That's $400? What the fuck? You sound different. Well, then let's all take another shot.

Does it sound better or worse? Everyone, everyone. Oh, look, Vine. I forgot I have it. Your mic is this one. Yeah, man. This mic is... Look at Woody.

I thought it would look the same. Wait, wait, wait. Real quick. You guys use Shure what mics? This is a Shure... SMB58 or whatever the fuck. Taylor uses that. I think I'm going to get that next.

And this is the RE20. AT2020. That's a good mic. That's my favorite mic. The OG. And the Line 6 UX2 from like eight years ago. All right. Well, enough of fucking mic talk.

All right, faggots. Yeah, a little throwback. Wait! I know you're willing to pour another one. We have a high speed vehicle. No, no, no. Salt water is lube. Alright, let's do another one. Alright, another one, and we go.

And I know Woody, you won't be doing this as well. Drink, drink, drink, drink. What do I have? Fuck, I fuck Elena with a saltwater lube? Woody, Woody, pour that shot. Saltwater lube does not work. Damn, Kyle's taking big shots. I'm taking pussy shots.

That's the whole point is that it doesn't work. It's going one way or another. I have just made called a high speed chase This is a pussy shot, I'll do a little bit of this The guys walk about 10 miles an hour The guys walk about 10 miles an hour This is super shitty What?

This is the lowest speed, high speed chase I've ever seen This is the lowest speed, high speed chase I've ever seen Where's my water? Don't even click One thing that I do enjoy while living in LA one thing that i do enjoy while living in la is the fact that uh oh y'all motherfuckers are adorable uh we got 20 minutes i think we should i think we should mix it up it's honestly shocking how fast the time has gone by since we're drinking hey i feel like we should do this every fucking show.

I would rather not do this every show because I'm pretty fucking drunk. Catch me in 2020. Honestly, if you close your eyes, it's not so bad. I feel like it's been 20 fucking minutes. I feel like you guys need to start drinking more alone. We made fun of fat people. There was a guy who smelled shoes. And then we talked about wanting to...

Wait, we didn't make fun of the original fat person that we never went back to. Oh, she's dead. She's dead. You can't make fun of her. What was her name? Suzanne. Hey, Chiz, can you go back and find that?

I need to see if she died or not. She's dead. Basically, hold on. The premise was that she married a chef and the chef was furthering her ability to eat so would you in would you ever marry somebody with the intent to make them the fattest person in the world which i already know the answer is no but like what kind of men what kind of mental state do you need to be in where you're like, yes, let me help you. I mean, obviously.

Maybe if the fat person was worth a little bit of money and you were trying to fatten them up until they died and then you could collect that money if they died. But then they got like. That's the premise of that dude's video. That dude's video about who? I don't want to say. That's why i asked yeah yeah i saw that video too that was pretty mean as it was a boogie yeah yeah this guy made a video the same guy who made uh the video about wings made a video about boogie and uh it was all about how like he proposed his idea was that boogie's wife was like married him on the you know with the sole idea that at some point boogie was going to die very sooner rather

than later and then she collect his monies uh such as they are and and then all of a sudden he gets the bariatric surgery and he's not going to die. He extends his life by easily a decade or more. And then she divorced him. And that was his whole premise for that video. He also made a Wigs video, which is much more funny and not quite as sad. I didn't quite enjoy his Boogie video as much as I did his Wigs video.

Every time I see Boogie, I'm surprised how much better he looks. Agreed. I saw Boogie, he looked better, and then that happens like five more times since then. And it's like, oh my god, like, he's still getting better? He's gotten to the point where he

looks like a normal morbidly obese person who you would see in a store. No, no, no, I'm being serious. No, I'm being serious. Like, he... No, I'm being serious. He looks like a...

He looks like a normal, really, really fat person that you would see in a store. I'm sure he's so proud hearing this right now. No. I'm reacting to what I'm saying. I'm the only one of the three of us that tweets encouraging things to Boogie when he loses weight.

I think so. I think so. He does his best, but even now, he's still a big fat fatty who needs to lose weight. But he's doing his best. He's absolutely doing his best. And he's lost a ton. He's absolutely doing his best. And he's lost a ton! An insane amount of weight!

Kyle's trying to get in. Please, I'll be quiet. We're Spooky fans here. We support him and the things he's doing because we know plenty of fucking disgusting fatties who don't try and who claim to do things and they don't do them. Which disgusting fatty are you?

Weeks of Redemption, because he's a fatty piece of shit. But then there's Boogie, who's like, you know, he's manned up. And there's no other way to say it. I think that's the perfect way to say it. He's manned up. And he said, you know what? I'm not going to die at 40 years old. I'm going to live a normal lifespan i'm gonna get my shit in order i'm gonna fix this addiction i have to food i'm gonna if surgery

is what it takes then then by god i'm gonna get my fucking stomach cut open fucking go through like a life challenging surgery and get it done that's not a bad thing nobody's not a bad thing boogie lost 30 pounds 50 pounds before the surgery he recognized his own um you know addiction weakness whatever you want to call it and like what he said he lost a large amount of weight i thought it was 50 pounds maybe it was 30 it was a very big amount of weight more than like most people ever lose in their entire lifetimes you know we all get chunky every now and then like oh shit i gotta cut this uh down and we lose 10 pounds 20 pounds 30 pounds i lost uh kyle we're we're losing quality content here kyle what is the point how woody is looking

no no i don't want to talk about it they're all just you know a shot oh i thought i thought we were slipping into fitness talk for a second there. We're doing another shot. I was dodging it. We're doing another shot. Oh, fuck you. We just did a shot.

I don't even know how long ago. that's not true. We're just doing another one. I feel like I'm going to vomit if I take another one right now. you're just being a bad person at this point. We just had a shot. I'm going to, uh,

hard pass as somebody who's taken a lot of shots. I'm just going to. Jericho, I swear to fucking God, if you hard pass on this, I will fight you. I mean, I can do it. I think belligerent Taylor is my favorite Taylor. I have to order pizza. But I'm like a thousand miles away, so suck a dick, Taylor.

I'm in fucking north carolina i really do you'll be sober by the time you get here i'll think about but taylor yeah what would you do to fuck elena would you would you fuck queens you don't have to finish you just have to stick it in you have to put it in his rancid butthole no one would ever know. Okay, alright. I don't want to stick my unit into any degenerate asshole. But

I mean, that chick is pretty hot. So I I would suck her toes. No questions asked. I would suck those salty sea toes. Oh, I'd suck her toes. No questions asked. I would suck those salty sea toes.

Oh, I'd suck her salty sea toes for fun. That's not even hard. Put it in Wing's butthole. All right? Wings is here now? Wings is the baddest pirate you've ever seen. He's on the boat.

The baddest pirate you've ever seen. And Elena looks the boat. The fattest pirate you've ever seen. And Elena looks at you and she says, look here, if you put in that big fat fuck's butthole over there, I'm all yours. You can do whatever you like with me. You can put it in all three holes. You can

share me with some dirty black... No. No. I'm not going to fuck you. You have to finish this butthole. Would you fuck wings? Shammy with some dirty black... No. They're never coming back. I'm not going to fuck Wings. Would you fuck Wings to get that access to her three holes?

Kyle. Kyle. Would you fuck Wings' MRSA hole to get access to Elena? Do I get to wear a condom? Would you fuck his regular hole? Roll a dog.

Wings of Redemption's Mercer wound. Because I will strap rubber and I will fuck Wings of Redemption's Mercer wound. This is fucking revolting. I want the pus.

I can't even lie. This is gross, guys. Fucking horrible. I want the pus. I can't even lie. This is gross, guys. It's fucking horrible. Stop! I want the pus to be accumulating on my balls. I want there to be a ring of

around my cock. Alright? Pus! Pus! My window's open, by the way. My neighbors can hear this because they hang out in their backyard. You have neighbors? All around my cock. I would do it

if I get to put it in Molina's asshole. This is horrible and I hate you for it. It's literally terrible. Yeah, she's fucking hot. I don't care. It's not gay. It's not hot I don't care it's not gay It's not gay if I put it What's the matter with it being gay It's 2018 if you don't suck dick you're gay

I'm not sure that's how it works I love that Tucker comment On the Stern show About whether Ronnie Mund is gay Or gay-ish Or not at all because he likes to take it from a strap-on, right? And some of the guys are giving him shit, and some of the guys are like, ah,

that's fine, whatever. But he likes to take it from a strap-on from his... By the way, he's like 60, I'm going to say. Maybe 63, 64, 65. Honestly, hold on. And his friend is like 28 or something like that. Like a third his age or something like that.

Very close to that. And he likes to take it from strap on. And he talks about, you know, he likes to shave his asshole and all that stuff. And they're like, oh, that's gay-ish at the very least. That is a toughie. So a girl fucks him in the ass? Can I float this idea? When you're 60 plus,

there's not a lot you haven't done. Right? Who am I to shame you for getting fucked in the ass? I mean, I guess I can't judge you that hard.

I'm not gonna... Is it suspect? If, if your thing is being fucked in the ass, you are a gay person. No, that's not his thing. That's a thing that he did. That's a thing that he has done. I feel like you can run the gauntlet on your sexual experiences, and then it's like doing you did the main quest right you have the you have the side quests now I like the way you're thinking that

yeah that that does make some sense okay why do you why are you do you... Why are you... Why are you looking into the bottle like that? What is that going to solve? Oh, I'm looking into my e-cig. I was trying to measure how big a dent I put in this bottle. It doesn't matter.

I put a couple shots into this bottle, but still... Like... This is... It's pretty much nothing nothing look at that yeah it was like like i drank pretty much this entire fifth of uh of tequila alcohol throughout this yeah i i wish i could wait are you saying you drank a fifth that sounds like a lot look at that yeah it is a lot shit weren't you giving me shit for drinking a fifth earlier? I have literally drank in a fifth.

No, no, no. I was giving you shit for drinking a handle. Is that whole bottle a fifth? This is half a handle. No, no, no. Exactly. Half a handle is a fifth. Half a handle is a fifth.

So you've drank an appropriate amount compared to me. I've drank pretty much this entire fucking bottle of tequila. This is 1.75 liters. So Taylor's is half what yours is? Exactly. So I have a fifth. No.

No. That's like a Mickey. What does it say on the front? It's not filled up to the... 750 milliliters? Yes. Oh, it is a fifth. Yeah, you have a fifth.

Okay. So you have a fifth. That's the equivalent of we just drank all of that. So you drank one of these? Yeah. I drank pretty much an entire one of these on the show. You drank a lot more than me. Welcome to it.

Well, you may have drank more than me, but I think I'm as drunk as you. No, no, no, no, that's 100% certain you are way drunker than I am. Kyle has five bottles of Glengala set off to the side for after this. Kyle, how many bottles do you buy at a time like when you go to shopping why are you why are you shilling this uh liberal owned what happened to tucker's camera oh wait what happened to my camera that's what i was asking oh there we go i'm back welcome i must have hit a hot key i uh well it would be insane to buy more than one bottle at a time. Or would it be efficient?

I buy one bottle at a time. I get the big bottle, which I think is for kind of a, I don't know what to call it, move. But I get the 1.75 milliliter uh bottle this big motherfucker right here taylor and tucker is there a crazy alcoholic name for that like a fifth or a handle handle is it called a uh a flipper jig like what the fuck is called a handle because it has a handle wait this is the little bottle tucker did you drink as much as is down there right now on this show? No. Yeah, yeah, I did.

Wow. Holy shit, dude. That's a lot. That is a lot. That is a fucking shit ton. I thought I was keeping up with Tucker. I'm clearly not. I don't know.

That was the be all end all was people like, the only person you need to worry about is Taylor. And I was like, all right, as long as I keep up with Taylor, we're all good. I think I've had about eight or nine shots, something like that, because I've been drinking doubles all night. I'm very much Kyle we took another shot while you were gone

we did you left because of that shot we didn't take a shot don't be a faggot take it don't be a faggot for all my PC fans don't be a bug over

for all of our PC fans Catch up cunt I had such a hard time pissing in the toilet I was like don't miss There's no one to help you here I'm worried about You must clean this up yourself Yeah I don't have my maid here.

This is no good. This is all on me. Dude, the fact that you think that the amount of alcohol you drink is impactful on your testosterone level, it's ridiculous. The only thing... It is truly...

No, no, shut the fuck up. It is truly the water you drank From your own tat That ruined you Do you know that? Do you know that it ruined you? My gut is the only thing that keeps me sane

Woody, if you were gonna get your testosterone Checked tomorrow I did it already Cause, I know you did Just the fact that he knows He's getting his testosterone checked I did it already. I know you did. Just the fact that he knows he's getting his testosterone checked and he's hesitant to drink any of our labeled bone broth is upsetable to me. You know, I'm trying to run a business.

He claims that he knows. Oh, I care, and I do not care the entire way. Kyle right now is leaning his head back because he knows he's about to have to take a big drink of something really alcoholic in order to recognize this bias. A real man leans back and now he's taking water. I don't appreciate that. A real man drinks his Fiji water before he takes his shot. I love Kyle drinking what he needs to drink. Kyle, why are you going to do it?

Ionized. Alcoholic. This is the drunkest I've been since. Kyle, I'm hearing you explain how you're being a faggot right now that's fine that's that's a okay i'm sorry okay hey you want to if you want to be a faggot on the internet that's fine you're gonna drink that alcohol if you need to drink it i feel like i'm not discriminated against. I'm not convinced. Kyle, Kyle, you're going to be a faggot.

Just take it anally. You got it. Butch Yarket. Butch Yarket. I don't care what aspect you use to take it. Kyle, as somebody who is BC drink your drink I get this one guy here Taylor butch again

drink your drink as a heterosexual male you should drink that I feel like I don't need another drink but I will drink it you're gonna drink another drink, but I will drink it. You're going to drink another drink. There.

I will drink another drink. Oh, my God. Apparently, I ordered a pepperoni pizza. Some sort of ridiculous podcast that people don't listen to. It's not fair. I want to see Woody. No, fuck you. We drank while you were gone. You're catching up. All right, uh, Woody. Um... No! Fuck you! We drank while you were gone!

Honestly, Woody, Woody, hold on. You're catching up. Alright, it's fine. If Woody doesn't wanna do it... Look, if you're able to put together these coherent sentences, I'm just not impressed, okay? Oh my god, stop faking, you fuck. Just butt-chug your drink. I, I will, hold on. As a guest, I will just say, let the viewers decide if Woody has prevailed and has taken enough drinking to match the rest

of the group. It's fine. Just let the viewers decide. The viewers are hard on me. Taylor, Tucker, Chiz. Viewers decide. Another shot. Chiz is our only viewer right now, and currently he has us rated as... Wow! I haven't shot porn

and then tucker or excuse me me and then taylor and then tucker and then woody as woody as the least drunk of us all that is that is really gonna put me i interpreted it differently. I think he has Tucker. That is not fair because I am fucking wasted in fucking English. So it's Kyle, Taylor, Tucker. I got to pull it back. I really fucked up. You're right. That's not fair at all. I'm fucking wasted.

Let me ask you a question. You look at text on your screen. Does it wiggle around? No. Then you're not as drunk as me. Oh, then yes. What I know for sure is that I can't get from here

to sober in a friendly way. No, you're going to get from there to sober in a vomity, shitty way. In a regular, normal way. Did you deserve it, faggot? Yeah, I guess so. sober and a vomity shitty regular normal way i don't condone this is what i'm gonna call you now you know my nightmare you know my nightmare shit what's your nightmare my nightmare is having to explain to a full journalistic like panel

on like why i i i like sat here on this on this panel and had to allow this derogatory terms i like we're like so at uh i forgot it was bad five yeah four hours into your aggressive drinking episode woody said the f word how did you experience that and i was like negatively you didn't react negatively you laughed wait you mean what i said faggot and we didn't all address it you're right and i said i was drunk and it's just rough man i'm just trying to be pc chis would do me a solid? Would you come up with the title of this episode all by yourself? Call it a bundle. I've been so scared of having to think about that.

Are we taking shots or not? Yeah, we're taking shots. You're right. Thank you. Give me one second. I'm going to grab a chaser. Kyle. Kyle.

Think of the content think of the Instagram videos I don't care I don't get paid for the content this is like a flat fee you know you know it doesn't matter three two one that's four hours man so so sorry we they're all drinking Anyways all over me down a little bit It doesn't seem to be on me. Oh, it's on my pants. Yeah, it's been on my pants for a while. I drank poorly.

Yeah, I did too. My hands are sticky. It's okay. It's alright. Alright, alright. Here's the plan. Here's the plan. I've been live tweeting the whole thing.

And we're all pretty fucking drunk. Alright, I'm going to tweeting the whole thing. And we're all pretty fucking drunk. All right. I'm going to play the post roll, and then on the show, we're going to come up with the title. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. So quiet, please.

Post roll coming. I can't believe it's time. Be quiet. Okay. Post roll is playing. This episode of PKA is brought to you by Archer Danger Island. Watch Archer navigate the mysterious and deadly world of Danger Island as an alcoholic seaplane pilot in the all-new season of the FXX animated comedy.

Wednesday at 10, starting April 25th on FXX. Oh, the post-roll was only 14 seconds. Yeah, it's real short. There you go. Yeah, it's real short. All right. So clearly Kyle is fucked up as shit because his head

is moving in a very unnatural way it's fine dude Jericho also a little fucked up but not too fucked up I feel like he's more on my level yeah we're solidly in the responsible area I drink like every other day but when I drink I drink like

like two or three shots or something like that I get a nice buzz on When Kyle drinks he goes for keeps Is what he's saying Yeah I get a nice buzz on and then I watch a movie Or I eat a meal or something like that I never go beyond Like buzzed as fuck mode

Like I never go to drunk We're still recording I'm working on the title. Yeah, we're still going. Jericho, did I spell your name right? It has like six I's in it. I don't even know. It's I-I-Jerry I-I-Co. I-I.

Figure it out! I don't really care. People can find me out. Search results. So I spelled it right, but I don't really care people can find me out search results so I spelled it right but I didn't capitalize it right I think FYI all lowercase oh I did capitalize it right

Chiz you dumb cunt no I like the all lowercase can we take a minute and talk about what a faggot Chiz is I like the word friend I feel like minute and talk about what a faggot Chiz is? I like the word friend. I feel like the way you call him a faggot, you're not stressing the dirty ethnic part of him enough.

We spend a lot of time talking about that Spanish fucking faggot Chiz and how much we fucking hate him because of his... I don't hate Chiz. ...conceited bullshit. Chiz hates Faggot. Just because I'm Italian, that I'm not white, and I don't care Chiz. Conceited bullshit. Chiz hates Tent. Just because I'm Italian, that I'm not white. And I don't care for that one bit. I don't like it either. I am white.

I'm a white person. Yeah, I'm Scotch German. I don't like the way he talks down to me. I'm German and Irish. I'll say this. Kyle and Tucker are white, but Taylor's not as white as us Taylor has He's typing white power

White power And I'm just like what the fuck man Like come on I'm German But I'm not I'm a normal white person Ah normal Yeah Yeah I'm a white person.

He said he would own my ancestors and I didn't like that. I swear to God, if PK is my career downfall, I swear to God. That's okay. Sicilians are not white. They're the niggers of Italy. That's not true!

That's not true! Sicilians are not white. They're the niggers of Italy. I said it. That are not white that is lies and that is bullshit and that is nonsense tons of Sicilians are not black and I'm not black either

you're the black of Italy I'm all white god chiz you cunt. Okay. I've taken a first pass at the title. I think you should call it... No, you said it again, Chiz. Dude, you're from fucking Spain. How are you talking shit on me when my ancestors are from Sicily?

Wait, you think Spain's lower than Italy? No, I'm saying how is he talking like he's some highbrow guy when his ancestors are from Spain and mine are from Sicily? I feel like you're both admitting that you're not on my level.

We're probably not. I wasn't expecting that. You're not going my level. We're probably not. I wasn't expecting that. You're not going to be as white as me and therefore you're some sort of... Aren't English generally accepted as most white? Mostly quite, yeah. But I'm Germanic. I meant the most white.

The pinnacle of whiteness is English. No, no, no. Germanic, baby. They get sun like once a year there. Ah, you've never been to Germany, apparently. And neither have I. Am I actually, I think. Neither have I.

Do we like the title? I haven't seen the title. Taylor v. Woody's Mom Wings Update Licking Dirty Feet. I think the first two are garbage. Really? Also, uncapitalized my j also i think it should be dirty feet uh i think it should be man we really didn't like get into stride until the last oh wait the title doesn't even mention it's a drinking episode i should say drinking episode Dirty feet And then do like

Trump Wait why are we laughing I missed the funny No I think Taylor V Woody's mom Is a keeper Alright so let's do Drinking episode

Dirty feet Taylor V Woody's Mom. It was licking Dirty Feet. It turns out that Woody's Mom is wrong. We looked at it. She wasn't.

No, she was wrong. She was wrong about one portion, but not the other. No, she was wrong. Bread and milk. You watching that? Alright, I think we have the title. Pussy's enormous.

Last episode Tucker We ended the episode Last episode with Tucker We ended the episode and Tucker stepped away And he didn't know the episode was ended But it was cut We weren't recording anymore It was such an alarming thing

Tucker steps back and I'm like So Tucker you hate the niggers Is that right And he was like recording anymore it was such a alarming thing tucker steps back and i'm like so tucker you hate the niggers is that right and he was like well i don't want to say that wait did we stop recording no we're still recording we've been done recording for a while that's not even true i'm recording recording right now. Are you serious, Woody? Yeah, we're recording right now. Oh, are we? Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Oh, Christ. Well, then those things I said earlier were a joke. But, you know, he dropped the hand bombs, and Tucker's just like, oh, my God. He didn't know. It was so beautiful to watch his reaction to the disgusting N-bombs. The funniest joke you guys will never see. Yeah.

Well, I mean, you just heard about it, so that's good enough. Well, so this was a drinking episode. This is what happens when we do that. Maybe we could do another one next week. That's a terrible idea. No, I can't. That's a no from your boy. Fucking bottle boys.

We can go again next week. I need to drop my water. I don't want to do another drinking episode for another year and a half. Say that now. What a wonderful. I enjoyed the episode. this whole episode was wonderful i think that if you uh take this and you move it towards a a regular thing you should have air quotes we should have a uh a game show type vibe to it you know a little like who wants to

be a millionaire? I believe cheers for coming unprepared. I literally pitched two games during the episode. They were bad. They were bad, but they weren't good. I appreciate your effort

very much, but you know, they were bad. But you know, we could look at more games. You know, we could spend some time on it, you know,

days at a time, you know, figuring out games that could be fun. We didn't talk about the 700 pound woman We didn't talk about this bitch This show's gonna be on for a couple minutes. I'll be right back. That's alright, that's alright. I hope she dies in the house fire.

You know, I hope you shit yourself while you're- I hope there is a fire. I hope nobody dies in it. I fucking hate it. I won't abide it. Kyle! Chill the fuck out. What the fuck is that? What the fuck out it's great i fucking hate that shit which part woody or um no no just the person acting like they're degenerate behavior is somehow acceptable in some sphere

out there. It's not. You're 750 pounds. You are an animal. You are an animal that we should watch as some kind of fucking research shit. You are disgusting.

You have not figured your shit out. You are a disgusting animal. And I fucking hate you. You know what's not disgusting? Don't even talk about it. This woman is disgusting. Subscribing to anybody that promotes this podcast. Look at his back.

Look at him walk. Look at him walk. Dude, nobody has ever promoted PKA. Ever. Like, even people who loved it here are like, hey, you know, we really had a lot of fun here and then we're out of here.

This is alarming for me. I want to go into therapy after doing this and seeing you guys. I want to go to therapy after doing this and seeing you guys. I want to go home and be like, all right. So I drank a lot, and then everybody got ridiculous, and I'm still here being PC. So I peed, and consequently, I walked there and back. No, it's just that I'm 100% sure...

I'm not going to go from here to silver peacefully. I'm positive. I've been here before. Wait, wait, wait. Do you have fucked up at this point? Like, in your head? Can I coach you?

I'll tell you what, I had to use my hands to guide myself through the doorway to make sure. Well, then. So, listen. If I'm in your position, my next move is a tall glass of water and eight to sixteen chicken tenders. That sounds pretty good.

Do you have chicken tenders in your house? Yeah, I do. How many banquet meals do you have at your disposal? I understand. None, but I've had chicken tenders. Do you have chicken tenders in your house? Yeah, I do. How many banquet meals do you have at your disposal? I don't understand. None, but I've had chicken tenders. Do you have banquet meals in your house ready for this? I think I will eat food now. It sounds like both a good and bad idea.

I don't even feel like you're not a hunter. I swear to God, you need to eat food. Yeah, it helps absorb the the alcohol and ignore all ignore that Alex Jones and Vladimir Putin Chicken tenders on a big no it's no Putin. It's all me you throw that bitch in there It's great drink water from here on out. You throw that bitch in there, it's great. Drink water from here on out, you're going to be fine. I promise.

You don't have to throw up when you drink heavily. It's just there when you don't prepare. Can we stop now? Yeah. We've already stopped recording. No, we haven't. All of your aggressive, racist bullshit has been on camera. Which is why I say I don't condone anything that has come on this podcast.

Yeah, I don't either. Tucker's been typing me stuff to say, and I didn't want to say it. Especially his n-bombs. Well, frankly, Kyle, I'm not entirely interested in what you have to say. And so, Woody, I would say you and this right now. Painkiller already, episode 382, the drinking episode. Wonderful episode.